#and realized that those are Tarot cards.. which made for an interesting idea~

[shslpunkartist99]

I think Tarot card Leaders are cool so go for it!

Yeyeyyeyeyeye~

[sixthwater]

Hello all! I was finally able to do the pac I wanted to do! So, today we will be looking at shadow traits that you might be unaware of, and some advice as to how you can healthily integrate them into your life. Hopefully this will be helpful to those that read it! So let's get into it.

(Left → Right / Pile 1 → Pile 4)

Decks Used: Horror Tarot, Abadoned Oracle, Tarot Familars, claves astrologicae, Seed & Sickle

Disclaimer | Pinned | Paid Readings

Pile One

Shadow

Cards: X of Wands, II of Swords, Strength Rx, Judgement, King of Wands (The Hanged Man), The Cyclist Rx, The Beast, The Curse

You try to carry everything on your back, very resistant to relying on others or asking for help, whether you realize it or not. When you weight the pros and cons of a situation, subconsciously you’ve already decided that in the end you’re just going to solve the issue yourself. Strength in reverse usually stands for a lack of willpower or can point to insecurity. The inability to rely on others around you and showing off the bravado (KoW) or exerting yourself beyond all means (ToW) can be thrown into a warped mindset of what strength and resolve means. I don’t think you’re doing this on purpose (re; the topic of this pac) but it’s probably sourced from past wounds or traumas that made you believe you can’t rely on others or were shamed into relying on yourself. There’s also this idea that going through these trials are going to empower you or make you a better person in some way. Like people who have those ‘been through the fire and flame’ stories but they turned out okay, and life doesn’t have to be this way. Sort of like ‘who am I if I can’t even handle this’. There’s a possibility of overworking yourself as well or being apart of grind/hustle culture because there’s a lot of skeletal/bone imagery and I know this is a horror deck, but there’s actually not a lot of skeletons in here. So you might be prone to working yourself to the bone in order to prove a point to yourself or others. With The Hanged Man sitting at the back it’s interesting because usually that means a change in perspective or taking a breather but it’s like your decision making just circles the drain? The man is caged up, so it feels like the perspective can only go so far out before your decision is made, and even in the Two of Swords the person is buried already, so ‘the grave is made’, right? So you’ll ponder what paths to go down but ultimately they all end up leading back to you dealing with everything alone, even though that doesn’t have to be the solution. Under that we have the Queen of Swords and she comes off as more independent and sharp in this deck, kind of like the gaslight girlboss energy, you handle shit alone. With your oracle cards, there’s definitely a feeling of being shamed or punished over something in your past and now there’s extreme fear if you don’t have complete control over the outcome. Some earth energy (Virgo, Capricorn) and a little bit of air but I can’t pinpoint it honestly. Sisters Are Doin It For Themselves and Do It Like A Dude started playing. It’s repeating everything I said so I won’t go into much detail, but looking at the imagery there’s a lot of stuff going on around the head, and then the last guy is tied up; think the eight of swords. The Curse deals with feeling trapped or having constant misfortune. Meanwhile the other two cards deal with underlying aggressive thoughts but the mental landscape is a bit of a hell. The only thing that stands out is The Cyclist can sometimes be a bit of an escapist, which lines up with The Hanged Man. It tells me that you’re a bit more aware of the source or issues surrounding this, or someone has pointed this out to you but you don’t really have a grasp regarding how to control it. Really all of this is coping with not having people lash out at you for things out of your control, for the most part, but it’s manifesting negatively since it’s having a bad influence on your health and mental, so let’s move on

Integration

Cards: IX of Pentacles Rx, II of Swords Rx, VII of Wands Rx, The Devil, Last Quarter Moon, 1st House, Basil, Wisteria

Retrograde by Cartel seems to fit this section. You probably could’ve guessed this advice but: you need to fold in on some of your beliefs, trust people, and try out some different avenues when it comes to problem solving. There’s nothing wrong with being a powerhouse or being independent; but when you struggle to go to those around you it can be detrimental to relationships and also yourself. It’s kind of silly because they’re basically showing you one of the ‘marry for money’/lack of independence cards in this scenario, so it’s like…yes. Go rely on people. You don’t need to always go out and study fifteen different topics to solve every issue that comes to you, maybe Suzy can solve this problem because she already knows enough about it so you have one small thing off your plate today. She won’t kill you. You need to really give yourself some time to go through all problem solving or just toss it and start over because it’s not helpful for you right now. You can slowly ween yourself off in ways that you just break up the task and you still do a little bit but you need to get to a point where someone else helps you. Completely. It’s okay. That’s why we all exist together on this planet, we cannot solve everything on our own, there’s a reason why we are all different and excel at different things or have our own little quirks. Even these shadows of ours can be useful to us sometimes. It would be recommended that you take a closer look at yourself and whatever issue(s) caused this and figure out your trauma response. Even if it’s not a trauma response, something is making you go to drastic measures to prove yourself to only you at this point. If journaling is beneficial to you, break it down step by step (issue > your feelings > your reactions > how you act today > work backwards > etc). If not, pay attention to when this attribute jumps out. Why did it do so. What caused it. What were you feeling. Trivial events might trigger us and we won’t realize it until hours later, it happens more often than we realize. At my old job I had a SV who reminded me of my mother and I didn’t realize why I clashed with her so much until I realized her interactions with a CW of mine (who reminded me of my younger self) triggered me every time. If someone you’re not so fond of have particular characteristics and someone else happens to do them, you might be reacting out of protection without realizing. You’re just being encouraged to do some self-reflection so you have an idea of what’s upsetting your internal balance. it’s also to gain more self-control and understanding of yourself. So in this case, The Devil is pointed more towards obsession with yourself. Besides that, be more open to assistance, take paths you don’t usually travel down, dip your toes into the energy of The Fool a bit more, but like…mentally. Absolutely try to embody the energy of The Empress during this time though, take care of yourself more.

Songs: Sisters Are Doin It For Themselves (ft. Aretha Franklin) – Eurythmics, Do It Like A Dude – Jessie J, Retrograde – Cartel, Lucid Dreams – Juice WRLD

Pile Two

Shadow

Cards: The Lovers, Queen of Swords Rx, Six of Cups, IX of Pentacles Rx, The Star (The Empress Rx), Ink, Blasé, Blessings Rx

Okay before I even pull cards the energy is very excited to get going lol Exact opposite energy of Pile One. There is a feeling…there’s a rush of different messages, the oracle will pinpoint it but someone is very heavy here. Right now there is a mourning of an ex or ‘what could have been’, and constant verification for the situation? Checking transits or readings to see if things will change or if you were right about the person, that’s what a lot of this energy feelings like. Moving on from that, in general it feels like a big open wound, I feel like I got this energy before in a previous reading so welcome back? With The Empress as the overall energy, especially with its imagery, it’s a very heavy feeling in a sense that you know it’s looming but you don’t feel like you have anything in your power to stop this insecurity or fear. Or control? Over this fact. Anyway the cards — there’s just a lot of strong emotion here. We don’t have The Devil, but we do have a lot of cards speaking towards feeling strongly and then The Lovers, which deals with feeling passionately to the point of obsession and the lesson is to learn balance over time. While The Queen upright in this deck speaks to being more cold and harsh, in reverse it speaks to lashing out in fear to cover up for what she lacks. The main issue here is that you guys are very sensitive, which is never a bad thing, but considering the combination it’s like you suck up issues that hit you and then they bubble and boil within you. If you can’t come to a solution it eats you alive and you obsess over it, not in a mercurial way but you’re just easily affected by the external world. Using Abbott Elementary as an example; Gregory (although pretty dry) obsesses over the principal position in the beginning. When he finds out it was compromised he basically spirals for almost two episodes and doesn’t know what to do with himself until he gets guidance. That’s what this energy feels like. You just feel things deeply. It feels like Scorpio or Pisces — or hey maybe you have Saturn in Pisces since that’s relevant soon hiiii~. So there’s a constant need for reassurance or looking for guidance and feeling lost and frustrated. Again there’s a small split where there’s some of you who are very/easily affected by love. I’m not feeling the hyper independence like Pile One, it feels more like scarred by previous relationships or worried by not having had a relationship and if it’s something about you, and it results in this ‘but look I have such and such so I’m fine!!’ mindset, when under the surface it’s eating you alive. Okay oracle cards…interesting. Had to pull one more and we got Viewing in reverse. Shufflemancy is also very strong right now. This is going to be a bit difficult to explain but; you have tumultuous energy and right now you’re aware you’re out of balance but you’re not sure how to get back in tune with yourself. It feels a bit like you’ve given up because it’s a bit hard or there’s no point. Yeah this feels a bit Plutonic/Scopionic. You are constantly going within or doing shadow work but you feel like you’re not seeing any changes within your life that reflect that — or you may not even be aware of it since shadow work is usually related to intense murky changes and sometimes that’s just…not always the case. So it feels like straight apathy and an attempt to make drastic changes to your life in order to bring some excitement back but it’s not doing anything and you’re running out of ideas on how to fix the issue or the hole in your chest that you can’t seem to reach? It doesn’t feel like you’re doing anything extreme or dangerous but like maybe changing jobs, moving, getting tattoos — things like that. I think we’ve laid the groundwork down so let’s get to the integration.

Integration

Cards: VII of Wands Rx, The Sun, X of Swords, V of Wands, Sagittarius, Cancer, Feverfew Rx, Buttercup

Beautiful. You need to see the darkness before you can see the light. What I mean by that is you need to purge whatever emotions you’re feeling right now before you can get back up and face another day recharged. It’s difficult to try and keep throwing darts in the dark to see if something will work when you’re running on empty. Sometimes you need to just go for a walk without any destination in mind, sit at the beach and take a breather, or literally just cry it out in bed for an hour or two. That’s okay. Let things go so that you can enjoy something for a minute. You need to nurture yourself first so you can get back up in the first place. Since I mentioned you seemed very sensitive, you guys might be sensitive to the music you listen to as well. Unfortunately there is some truth to that. Songs like Sweet Thing by Rufus & Chaka Khan would be very beneficial for you during this time since they’re soothing and there’s nothing to throw your mood up or down, just to stabilize it. There’s also a small message of reaching out to those you haven’t spoken to in a while. For this one you’re probably going to have to sit on it for a minute to figure out who it is, I always have to. That’s the point. The main message is to get in contact and to share some warm words and converse with them, sharing this energy will not only energize and soothe you, but them as well. It’s not supposed to force you to get socializing, but it’s to remind you that there are people out there that care about you, even if you aren’t always talking. It’s also reminding you to keep those you don’t always speak to in your heart as well. Reciprocal energy, basically. It helps a lot more than you think. Besides that, when you have the energy again, you need to know when to pick your battles and have a little fun. Don’t take things too seriously. Your lessons really is about balance and figuring out your internal alignment. Five of Wands usually talks about disagreements over petty stuff, I also see it as siblings bickering. This combined with Sagittarius? You need to balance out that sensitivity of Cancer with the light-heartedness of Sag. These are conflicting energies so I chuckled a bit when they both came out, but again: balance. It’s okay to feel, but don’t drown in it. It’s okay to be a little crazy and take some risks, but don’t have your life revolve around it so you can ‘feel’ something when you’re actually shunning all of your emotions away in the process. Ultimately you shouldn’t give up on your resolve or that resilience (know you love seeing that word) that’s gotten you this far. That’s not the point, but you do need to figure out when to pull from…which tank? If I were to give you a visual, I will not be using two wolves. Let’s say you have a sensitive highly reactive tank and a risky move first think later emotionally depleted tank. You have to figure out how to have a give and take between them, is how you can integrate this shadow and not feel like you’re being dragged throughout life. Trust me, it’s a lot easier said than done, but you learn with baby steps. Especially when you turn them into metaphors or visuals like that.

Songs: The Glamorous Life – Sheila E., I Just Don’t Care That Much – Matt Maeson, Call My Name - The Unlikely Candidates, Pure Love – Hayley Williams, Semi-Charmed Life – Third Eye Blind, Move – Little Mix

Pile Three

Shadow

Cards: Page of Cups, Ace of Swords Rx, The Tower, IX of Pentacles, VII of Cups Rx (King of Pentacles), The Plant Rx, The Viewing, The Specimen Rx, The Cat

You tend to get ‘lost’ easily. It’s like trying on different hats before realizing it doesn’t fit or you don’t like it. I can’t help but notice the Page of Cups is stuffed in this box and the figure in the Seven of Cups popping out of a cup looks like the figure on the Nine of Pentacles. There’s a lot of…being lost in the woods, or trying to have your feet fit shoes that are way too big or small for you. Your view of what you are or where you want to go feels clouded but it’s fueled by wanting to be secure. Which is understandable. However at the same time you undermine that because you’re constantly changing hats, or at least you want to be and that leaves you either feeling emotionally unfulfilled or with a tight customer service smile. With this specific Tower it’s like you’re pretty well aware that something needs to change but you want to make sure all your ducks are in a row before it falls, which is not the point of the card. It also feels a bit like you make sure you’re just safe enough to get away without any scars, which still isn’t the point of it being upright because it’s supposed to make you understand why it got taken away in the first place. I haven’t pulled the oracle cards this early for anyone else but I’m curious. Okay yeah I figured. Fueled by stability and security but you’re blocking yourself from going after either a passion or fulfilling whatever life mission you’re put here to do. Considering the current state of the world, it’s not so easy to say ‘oh just go do what you wanna do’ because we do have bills, unfortunately for our guides or ancestors we do have to hit certain requirements before we can throw caution to the wind. Anyhow, pretty sure you’re at least aware that you’re not where you need to be. Not sure if you know what your specific path is, but you know what you’re doing isn’t it. You could be avoiding it due to a fear of failure, rejection from society or parents, any sort of external reaction, or you’re just simply not ready yet — but if you’re wondering why your life might be fluctuating or giving your so much resistance this might be partially why. As someone who also needs to have some sort of stability, I’d never tell someone to just quit and go for it, but you should give some thought as to what’s holding you back or some thought as to what gets you excited. What would you not mind waking up in the morning to go do. For example, I had a former job surrounding kids that for the first time in my life, waking up at 7 AM was not a problem, I was actually excited to go to work. You need to figure out what that is for you if you don’t know what it is yet. You are someone who is not made to just have a job, sort of like Pile Two but the energies are significantly different. With these cards, The Tower is making a bit more sense. Some of these talk about external issues causing friction, and there’s a figure hiding Within a fully intact tower while there’s a storm going on outside. So absolutely I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the issues stated before is what’s holding you back. However, you should keep in mind that you have The Viewing (dealing with ancestry guidance) and The Tower here — even though this is a shadow integration reading, it’s going to happen sooner or later. Hopefully you don’t take this tone as scolding, I’ve dealt (still dealing actually) with this same issue and it’s not easy at all. Speaking of which, let’s get moving.

Integration

Cards: II of Swords Rx, Page of Swords, The Devil Rx, II of Wands Rx, Virgo, New Moon, Dandelion, Buttercup

Simple messages, ‘Just stop caring and don’t give up on your dreams’ thank you thank you so simple. In a way, they’re right. They’re not saying to throw out all of your precautionary tendencies, but you might think too much. Worry too much about the world around you and how those might react to you. In some capacity, it’s reasonable and necessary, in others it’s really not. Some people need to fall away or they’re just not relative to what you’re doing so why do they matter. I’m under the assumption that a good majority of you have been wanting to do something for quite some time so I’m going to speak from that perspective. You need to loosen up and let your worries go. Sometimes it’s better to move first without thinking, which should balance out the qualities you already have. If you don’t have every single aspect figured out, that’s okay, laying down the most important groundwork will be good enough for you to land on your feet and you can figure out the rest. However you have a tendency to flit around so you don’t have to make big or bold decisions, which is what they want you to stop doing. The Page of Swords holds a key and besides being innovative and energetic, this points to you already holding the answer but being afraid to open that door. You have Virgo here which stands for organization, planning, details, etc. Dandelion basically is repeating everything that I spoke of in regards to making a move, not standing there twiddling your thumbs. Whatever you’re thinking of, I think you sort of got started or you have the idea in your head but you’re scared of taking the plunge. Look back at it and loosely plan it out. If you need to step away sometimes and come back, that’s fine, but you either do it or you don’t. What you’re doing needs your full commitment; not in a sense that you immediately go full time but you can’t just half-ass it. I’m sounding like a mom because I used to get this message. You need to be consistent if you go through with it because you’re clearly passionate about it. If it’s not perfect on the first try, it’s fine. If people have critique’s, it’s fine. Hell if people don’t like it, as long as you’re not spreading hate speech it’s fine! You’ll never know if you don’t try right? Flowers never bloom if they’re not cared for Pile Three. Are you going to care for your dream or no, it’s all in your hands. I’m not sure if this’ll be a completely different path since this isn’t really an energy check, but in some sense you will gain some emotional satisfaction and sense of wholeness within yourself. I also notice that you really didn’t want to give any songs during the entire process. It could be that some of you’re really not sure where you’re going, which is completely okay. You could try checking out some readings regarding careers or life missions, or if you’re able to just try out a bunch of hobbies to see which ones bring you joy. However most of these cards point towards implementing your plans and they’re all active, so I think that’s only a few of you. I believe in you Pile Three.

Songs: Where Did The Party Go – Fall Out Boy, How Far We’ve Come – Matchbox Twenty

Pile Four

Shadow

Cards: Page of Pentacles, The Fool, X of Cups Rx, Justice Rx, King of Wands Rx (Ace of Cups), The Infant Rx, The Egg Rx, Blessings Rx, The Madwoman

A feeling of abandonment that you try to avoid facing. The fact that I want to avoid getting serious is kind of confirming the overall energy here but I’m going to try to not get affected by that. The energy feels like when early childrens TV always had that one episode about the kid who acted out in class and everyone thought they were just the class clown for no reason but they had their specific explanation behind it. You tend to either act out or do reckless things but I don’t think you realize how it effects those around you? Like you’ve experienced instability within your life so when you throw yourself into more or do something ‘a bit funny’ and others are annoyed or worried and frustrated with you, you’re confused as to why it’s a big deal. There’s also a small feeling of not fully — it’s like offering promises or commitment but getting cold feet at some point or not really being there? It feels like the Aquarian stereotype, full stop. I’m sure a good amount if not all of you have experience an unstable, or unfavorable at the least, childhood and that has resulted in you closing your emotions off from people. What I mean by that is you will be social you’ll be open and engaged, but people don’t really know you. They wouldn’t be able to name what moves you what your biggest fear is — things like that. It’s a form of self-protection. This causes friction because those who think they’re close to you will feel slighted when you don’t reciprocate that energy, and I mean you won’t necessarily feel any need to soothe them, so you can come off as very selfish or like you’re prioritizing yourself. It also feels like you’re looking for something or someone to help heal broken pieces of you, not in a worrying way, but in a sense that we’re all looking for our soul family. I think you can sometimes be a bit too dependent on this idea, while also holding parts of yourself back? Why is this another Scorpionic pile and why are you so complicated to explain lol. It’s part: you’re looking for people who understand you because your background is harsh and difficult to explain, you’re looking for people to be yourself around, you’re looking for deep connections because you never really got those. All of this, mixed with the natural self-defense of holding yourself back, makes it seem like you’re only trying to use people when you know more about them than they do you. Which obviously makes you feel some type of way so you shut down on them. Yes. Sometimes it’s a bit of just needing to feel intense emotions so you simply just do something risky. In general, there’s an imbalance but that can be stated for any shadow reading? Oracle time. Okay the first two just shot at me hi. Yeah, there’s an avoidance of facing issues stemmed from childhood. The first two cards speak of being unfavored, but after a hard search the solution to their problems can be found. Blessings also speak about falling out of favor with people. It’s kind of just repeating what I said and I don’t want to sound like a broken record. Madwoman speaks to the reckless behavior but makes sense as to why I wanted to add She’s A Rebel so badly. Infant and Egg also speak to children being abandoned & creations not being able to be contained, again. Same story different cards, so let’s move on to helpful messages.

Integration

Cards: II of Wands, III of Swords, Queen of Swords Rx, Strength Rx, Sagittarius, Aries, Bracken, Chamomile

Be vulnerable. Easier said than done, but that’s how you need to work with this. The strongest card I think you have here is Chamomile with Strength. It’s asking you to rely on any bonds that are already there and solidified. Who do you feel most comfortable with? I’ll rephrase that even to who knows the most about you? Have you thought about being vulnerable with them or are you willing to break down a few more walls. I’m also being called to tell you to let yourself seek out music as a safe space. There might be some artists that have music that reaches parts of your soul that some people just haven’t been able to yet. Now obviously I don’t mean lean on them in a parasocial way, but finding these artists or songs would be very helpful at some points to help soothe or make sense of some emotions. You also just generally need to face your wounds and be okay with…not being okay. Also small signs of going to therapy or something like it? Maybe not literal therapy but if there’s something that’s very therapeutic to you or if you have something that could help break down these issues, then do it. It’s like you need to make connections between your actions and your childhood, I think you’re just simply not aware as to why this is manifesting the way that it is. There’s also a possibility that there will be someone coming in to help you through this, and you need to get better at opening up. Regardless, the same advice applies; don’t clamp up, be honest. This isn’t to say like…spill your whole biography or anything. But like…if you’re not close to someone don’t imply it, if you do feel close to someone, let them know, etcetc. Aries and Sag are known to be very blunt. One without thinking and one without caring. You need to take on those energies when it comes to these issues. It’s funny because I think you overthink without…intending to? It’s precautionary measures. Like I said, you protect yourself before others can hurt you, which is a form of overthinking in a way. Which is not what these two signs tend to do. This is very random but tea and nature might also just help to relax you a bit. Green Tea, not black. Make sure you get sunlight as well. Walks at night are nice but the sun vitalizes you and changes your perspective (something something science). All in all, you need to be proactive with yourself in regards to your background and your emotions, and you need to work on being more vulnerable with people over time. Baby steps.

Songs: Just One Yesterday – Fall Out Boy, Give Me Novacaine/She’s a Rebel – Green Day, Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe – Kendrick Lamar, Hard Place – H.E.R.

[rexaleph]

It's spring, I suddenly have desires and care about perfume.

Once again this is not the post I've been sitting on (the fruit one), I just thought abt roses again. The idea I'm coming round to is that I maybe I really started off on the wrong foot with roses and florals in general years ago by trying Amouage's Lyric Man and Reflection Man. They're two widely beloved what I'd call "feminine style" (not lavender or geranium) florals marketed at men, and represented the kind of androgyny I was comfortable with at age 25 or whatever. 25 y o boys ofc is like not at all the age group Amouage tends to be interested in appealing to lmao. So really not getting along with those two perfumes might have prejudiced me against flowers, and only by ciruitously exploring things i'd see spoken of as atypical florals and each time thinking "yeah, but I wish this was prettier", did I realize that my thing about not liking flowers was another story I told myself about the kind of person I am, and those need to be torn down with extreme prejudice.

So in my rose post from 2 years ago I mentioned that really Mendittorosa Le Mat belongs in the lineup of known roses, but I didn't think of it as a rose because I guess I didn't know what those were.

Or the issue was probably that I didn't spend enough time with it, because Le Mat opens just not smelling of rose at all. The vibe is potpourri, dry flowers and herbs, which is I think what immortelle does. It's a controversial note I feel like a lot of people don't get along with, and I won't say I love it in the opening of Le Mat. However I can see it being necessary to the middle stages, as it slightly recedes to make room for a sweet high-pitched rose, framed by dense scratchy spices. I'm a clove hater because clove usually overpowers most other things for me, but here I couldn't actually pick it out. Nutmeg, pepper and patchouli I can see, very dry, earthy, a little bitter and sour (immortelle again I think), but sweeter and friendlier as it wears on, though it never stops feeling rich, dark and complex. I think Le Mat is what I want a rose to be: a big statement. Gorgeous, heavy, romantic, the association for me is actually pre-raphaelite art - opulently pseudohistorical, where it makes me feel a little silly for falling for what it does. If I could have one this would be my Mendittorosa, and it might also be my one rose. Which is funny given how previously I said that abt Rose 31, its polar opposite. However! Even in the other rose post I was very frustrated with the vibes on that one, the whole luxury minimalism thing is repulsive, whereas Le Mat is aesthetically irreproachable.

The bottle of course is gorgeous, love the little crate with the tarot card it comes in. I so badly wish Mendittorosa made small beautiful bottles, even 50mL, but ideally like 30. Le Mat at least comes in a 10mL travel spray, which I want to get eventually, but it's just not the same. Perfume is already such a stupid thing to spend so much money on, and I like to be kissed when I'm getting fucked. I'd pay like twice the price per volume if I could just get something that looks like their 100 mL bottles in a size I'd have a chance at using up. But also I could see living with Le Mat the way I do with Vierges et Toreros now - as my one big bottle of a beautiful, loud, truly beloved perfume alongside a parade of more or less interchangable trial volumes. Which is another thought I've had - it's really not justifiable while I still have VeT because they speak to a similar mood for me. "We have VeT at home" is a thought I have every time I start wanting all kinds of things (leathers, animalics), and if I ever run out I'll be so tempted to replace it with like 5 different bottles.

So given that I can't quite justify Le Mat I've been looking around for a bold rose that would fill a void the shape of which I don't even really know, and settled on trying Masque Milano Love Kills for 3 reasons. 1. Their Russian Tea is one of the leathers I would really want if I didn't have VeT, 2. They make small sizes, 3. There's a Freddie Mercury song with that name, mostly considered embarrassing 80s trash, but I love it.

Sth very silly about "W. Shakespeare" to me, but whatever. So because of all the circumstances I really want to like Love Kills but idk that I do. In the opening it has a strange stinky sour musk note that puts me in mind of Byredo M/Mink (not even body odour but like... raw meat or blood, not rotten but on the way), which I enjoy a lot in concept, though maybe less so in practice. There is a weirdly textured quality to it, a cottony feeling in the back of the throat. Reviewers call Love Kills a cold metallic rose, which might be what I'm interpreting as blood. Smelling my skin up close in the first half hour or so I only get the strange bloody musk, but I just walked through the area where I sprayed it, and what hangs in the air is a very straightforward rose scent, which is also what I get smelling my arm at a distance. The rose starts out sharp and sour (geranium?), but turns sweet and straightforward quickly enough. I wore it twice last week: first very carefully bc of the intense opening and it was fully gone within a couple hours; the second time I put on a couple sprays and halfway through the day I ended up with a syrupy, a little lipstick-like rose scent clinging mostly to the inside of my clothes. Which like, another thing I want from my rose is intensity, and especially with that name Love Kills going meek and generic really feels like a letdown. Still, I'm happy to have a straightforward rose to go to in place of both Rose 31 and Moschino Toy boy (which I have reconsidered btw, it's not half bad when applied with a light hand), and I kinda like how it has the weird agressive opening and then turns attractive and easy to wear in a best-of-both-worlds way.

But it isn't what I wanted, not that I know what that would be. Anyway, Portrait of a Lady.

She's a lot. Very aggressive scratchy opening, patchouli-forward, bitter and waxy up close, but intriguingly sweet and complex when wafted over from further away. The early mid-stage triggered a strong association I couldn't immediately put my finger on and turns out it was the wine accord from Liquides Imaginaires Bloody Wood . Feels like blackcurrant/raspberry (juicy tart) + patchouli (bitter earthy) make for a fruity-tannic red wine effect, very cool! (Next to each other the two aren't actually that similar, Bloody Wood straightforwardly smells like wine on purpose, much lighter and not that much of a rose, though I should really revisit it more purposefully). As it settles, Portrait of a Lady becomes much friendlier and sweeter, and more obviously rose-dominated (a theme for all of these). The dry spicy borderline cacophony (clove, cinnamon, sandalwood, patchouli) recedes, incense becomes noticeable for the first time. The rest of its wear time it is a very attractive sweet incense-rose, much closer to the skin. This is the stage where I can see all the stories of people like getting compliments from strangers and being followed around in public. This is what the drydown of Lyric Man wanted to be but actually successful. I won't say I buy the hype 100% but Portrait of a Lady is for sure very beautiful. It is also very much in the vein of Le Mat to me, but ofc makes for kind of a silly replacement because it's like 1.5x more expensive. Though tbh I really like the Frederic Malle 10mL travel sprays bc they're not an aesthetic downgrade from the big bottles. I actually just bought Une Fleur de Cassie as a birthday present to myself because I wanted a floral for spring, but make it strange and melancholy, and got the little PoaL sample along with it (and a couple more things) because I happened to be thinking abt roses at this time. It's good to know that so far I like Portrait of a Lady but I'm gonna have to spend some more time with it, and especially consider it in comparitson to Le Mat. FIrst thought is they are redundant but I like Le Mat more.

Here I was gonna talk abt ELDO's Hermann A Mes Cotes Me Paraissait une Ombre because I'd brought it up in the old rose post as sth that I just didn't recognize as a rose alongside Le Mat, but it still doesn't feel like a rose lol. It's a cold tart peppery wood to me, nothing to do with what I'm looking for wrt roses. Something to revisit for another rose might be Bloody Wood, iirc what's left after the wine impression fades is a faint woody rose, but when I was comparing it to Portrait of a Lady yesterday I didn't even catch that stage before it was fully gone. Longevity is kind of a known issue with Liquides Imaginaires, especially with the interesting fruity ones I was looking into (Bloody Wood, l'Ile Pourpre). I also really want to try Talento by Mendittorosa, seems like it's the exact opposite of Le Mat (cold and airy) from the same house so that's interesting, and Santal Majuscule by Serge Lutens for hopefully another dry subdued woody rose. Also I smelled Byredo Blanche and Diptyque L'Ombre Dans L'Eau in a store once each, found them disgusting and both gave me a headache, but I'm super curious if I'd feel different if I were to test them now. I haven't managed to come around on Lyric, and the two of them are also hugely popular "clean and fresh" roses, so who knows. Like generally having a rose perfume is not a huge priority for me, I'm just excited about learning to appreciate a family of scents that's still new to me after years of exploring perfume.

[pluviophil3-in-a-forest]

What I’m about to say is meant for any witches, pagans, and any of the like who are beginners, advanced, or those who lie in between (and for people in general):

The internet and social media, while it’s fun and can benefit people through different ways, is a fast-moving platform that is very difficult to keep up with. It is highly influential, knowledgeable, and ridiculous.

I was going through some witch-related photos, posts, etc that I saved for future reference and I realized how there is still a set image of witchcraft no matter how much people say otherwise. From what I see (this can be different for others), it is a constant in someone’s life and people can feel certain energies around them.

Personally, that is not what it’s like for me, and maybe it’s because I’m still not that experienced. Life keeps getting busier and I cope with it by not making much use of my time. And I’ve never been able to understand all of the energy stuff, y’know? Like, I can feel tension in the air and the general vibe of the room, but it’s very difficult for me to tell whether or not I’ve changed the energy in the room.

Maybe it really is practice and stuff, but I often feel pressured with everything I see online. The moment I try doing some general stuff, such as reading tarot cards, I immediately tense up and feel stressed. My heartbeat quickens as if I’m about to have a panic attack; it’s safe to say that this is not what’s supposed to happen. This is where you gotta find what works for you. And a very important thing to keep in mind is that you will not immediately find what that might be. There will be a lot of trial and error, which always sucks.

I just got a random idea. For those who are going through similar struggles, how about we try working through them together? I’ll begin to post what I’m doing and how I feel about it, almost like an online grimoire. Y’all might relate to some of those things and we can talk about it and junk, y’know? Maybe not ‘cause life, but it’s an interesting idea to consider. Let’s see if I follow through.

But yeah. Thank you if you read this far. I hope this made some of y’all feel a bit better about your practice. See y’all later!

[internationalastrologyfederati]

Top Facts About The Best Astrologer In USA

An astrologer is a person who tries to predict your future and character using astrology. Based on a person's birth date and an interpretation of the celestial bodies at the time of the event and their positions at birth, an astrologer gives predictions about what to expect in the future. Astrologers offer predictions about how a person's personality and life choices are influenced by the "stars." The best astrologers also possess the following traits: patience, intuition, the capacity to speak openly about their feelings while exercising some restraint, and a commitment to God. We can refer to the astrologers who possess these characteristics as expert foretellers. In this article, people can heighten or augment their understanding of the world class yet amazing and world famous astrologer in USA or the best astrologer in USA.

Best Astrologer In USA

Astrology assumes an infinite and purposeful intelligence that penetrates the skies and the earth in a vast symphony of meaning rather than the worship of a single godhead or leader. The Latin word religio, which means to connect, is the word's root. One must first complete a course at a respected college or institute to become a professional astrologer. One can work as a numerologist, palmist, tarot card reader, and other professionals after completing the course. A person can start their own consulting business with the right resources and expertise.

Even though the art of interpreting the stars to learn about our lives has been around for thousands of years, it is still incredibly misunderstood. Although reading editorialized horoscopes in publications is amusing, it doesn't fully express the significance of this useful tool we can use to get around in the world. In actuality, astrology gives every person the ability to, in some small manner, take charge of their lives and, ultimately, realize their unique destiny.

The truth is that astrology is only based on how the universe appeared on the day you were born, despite what those who don't believe in it frequently assume. A birth chart, which is the primary tool in astrology, is made using details about your time and place of birth. The chart itself is a representation of the constellations, stars, and universe as they appeared at that specific time. So it makes fitting that astrology is also known as Jyotish, which means "science of light" in Sanskrit. which type of lighting? the planets' light that touches down on earth. The obvious ones, the sun, and moon, as well as all the other planets, are included here. This science shares some similarities with the type you presumably learned in school, even if it is in no way mystical. It is merely predicated on the universe's known objects, thus there is nothing particularly surprising about that. Online horoscope reading is a popular pastime for many people who find it to be amusing. Astrology is much more than just a passing interest.

Karma and rebirth play a major role in Vedic astrology. The idea that a person's spirit departs from their body after death is widely held. The subconscious mind, which includes all of a person's memories, sentiments, emotions, wants, experiences, and, of course, their collected karma, travels with the soul according to Vedic tradition.

[bitchybasementninja]

Jungkook / FS connection

Disclaimer: just for fun and tarot practice. Don't take anything too seriously.

I decided to do a reading for Jungkook and his future spouse / soulmate/ twin flame. Basically his end game romantic partner. (specifically for this life time.)

I know I said in Yoongi's I didn't know if I would do other members, and I still don't know if I will do everyone, but I felt like doing a reading today so I took out my BTS self-made oracle cards and shuffled them asking if any of their FS were open to me reading their energy. The first two to come out was Yoongi and BTS as a whole at the same time which I was like lol ok one person and not Yoongi. The person that came out next was Jungkook, hence the Jungkook and FS reading.

Decks I used: Tarot de la Nuit, Ascended Masters Oracle, The Animal Wisdom Tarot, Moonology Oracle, The Good Tarot, Indigo Angels oracle, and romance angels oracle.

They are definitely not together. I don't think that is a surprise to anyone. They both still have a ton to work through. Anyway, let's get into the reading.

They both had A LOT to say. Cards kept just flying out left and right, so this reading is more bulky than Yoongi's. Both Jungkook and FS (or at least their energy) wants to explain in detail whereas Yoongi and his fs were more concise lol.

Top cards are always Jungkook and bottom cards are always FS (until a few at the end, but I'll explain what cards go to who)

Jungkook's current energy:

8 of pentacles (rev), 10 of swords, The Lovers, Ace of Cups

Jungkook is on the love struggle bus. You know how the members always talk about how Jungkook didn't like to share and was selfish, but eventually opened up more and became more caring? It's the same with love except he's still struggling with it. He's not at the beginning of his journey figuring out love and what it's all about by any means, but it's not something he's putting a ton of effort into right now, so he's not moving along very quickly.

He's kind of grappling with the ideas of infidelity, break ups and the sadness that comes with all that. Whether that means he is dealing with that himself, or has caused that, isn't clear, but he is at least thinking a lot of about those things as Concepts. With The Lovers he is also thinking about all the choices that can be made with love. There are lots of possibilities and so he might still be very curious about relationships and love and how to choose the right person.

He is very enamored with the beginning of relationships and starting relationships (whether this be in the physical or mental or spiritual) that is currently something he may be dabbling in. Again, it could just be an idea, or he could very well be getting into relationship and then quickly getting out of them and dealing with the sadness that comes with that, not realizing it may be his own non-effort that is causing it.

FS current energy:

Ace of swords, The Hermit, 5 of swords (rev), Justice

FS is really trying to figure love out too, but in a different way than Jungkook. They are talking about it, self-reflecting on it, thinking about "breaking up, getting back together, and forgiveness/revenge" all as concepts and fairness in relationships. This may be stemmed from their own past relationship where there was a lot of breaking up and getting back together, or just a thought they are having.

Honesty is very important to them in love, and treating others well. There is a chance they are actually looking for revenge or justice because of the 5 of swords and justice cards energy.

It is interesting that infidelity is something Jungkook has in his energy, and they are thinking of revenge and justice. There is a chance they are both going through similar experiences of trying to have relationship and failing because they don't actually understand what it is to be in a relationship lol. Both seem to have a lot of thoughts about what love is, but no real grounded concept of how to make it work.

What do they need to do?

Jungkook: Health and Healing, Clear and Shield Your Energy, Open Your Heart to Love

Okay, so in part some of his problem stems from his career (duh). Health and Healing is obviously about healing past hurts or physically. He needs to take care of himself, BUT Clear and Shield Your Energy gives it a whole new light. BTS are very healing for a ton of people and they put a lot of their energy into being healing presences for people. Jungkook is known for pushing himself past his limits for the fans on a physical level, but he does it on a spiritual level too. He sees the hyung's like Yoongi and Namjoon being able to help people and he does it too, but he doesn't protect himself the same way they do. He doesn't hold his boundaries (or maybe even have any) and this is true on a spiritual level.

In fact, it may be something he doesn't consciously understand he's doing even. Like, consciously he is happy and giving and having a great time, but his energy is being pulled on by so many people and absolutely drained. He would do even better (the thought that Jungkook isn't even at full capacity is scary lol) if he shielded himself better. Then again, this would probably piss a lot of people off because a lot of people are probably living off of his energy.

Anyway, after that he would simply need to open his heart to love. Right now, again for obvious reasons, he isn't very open to it. There would be a lot of problems for him and BTS if he was in a relationship, so once he feels more comfortable then he can open his heart and things will get moving.

F/S: Yoga

lol. Basically just chill is what I feel like this means. Do yoga, exercise, take care of yourself and grow yourself spiritually. This person will get everything they need through furthering themselves spiritually. But specifically with Yoga.

It makes sense because Jungkook is a very physically active person, so his FS probably will be too. They feel the best and like they can connect to themselves, their mind, and spirituality with Yoga and that's what is going to bring them more clarity in the long run.

I'm only saying this because of the next part of the reading, but I think this person has a lot of chaos in their life. They might have a very active social life and be kind of all over the place, but Yoga is the quiet time (while still being active) that they need to make their life make sense and will help them push through to a better understand of themselves, life, and love.

What comes after they fix their problem?

This is when the cards really started flying lol.

Jungkook: 6 of fossils (pentacles), 8 of branches (wands), Spirit of Freedom (The Chariot) (rev), 7 of fossils (rev), Master of Suspension (Hanged Man), and Seeker of feathers (Knight of Swords)

Just like how he learned to share with the other BTS members, he will learn how to be very supportive and generous in love once he shields his energy and opens his heart. It will have his full attention BUT now he is trying to move too quickly. He's almost obsessed. He wants love and he wants it NOW. It's kind of like the same drive he has to be the best and win competitions, except now that energy is focus on finding love.

The problem is that's not how love works. His impatient attitude will only leave him with no rewards. He may rush into relationships, but they won't be good. Love cannot be rushed. He will probably be so adamant about finding it that he will end up with partner that will bore him. That's something Jungkook cannot stand. Therefore, slowing down and testing the waters before he deems himself to be all in will be the best bet at finding what he truly wants. He needs excitement (mostly intellectually) in a relationship and he cannot settle down with someone without it.

F/S: seer of branches (page of wands), Keeper of Light (hermit), Angel of Alchemy (Temperance), 9 of branches (wands), 4 of shells (cups) (rev), 7 of feathers (swords)

The FS will go back and forth between being adventurous in love and the self-reflection of the hermit. They will definitely be getting into relationship and breaking up a lot. It is this cycle that will teach them that love requires patience (whether it be in a good relationship, or in finding the right relationship). They seem to jump in to relationship quickly and jump out just as quick lol. They need balance and once they can find that (possibly through Yoga and spiritual growth from before) they will find a new understanding of love.

Self improvement is very, very important to their journey. Working on themselves and making themselves better is the number one thing they need to focus on. They will eventually come to understand that love actually takes hard work. It is nothing like the relationships they have had where they jump in THINK they are in love, and then break up. Once they see that, they will begin to realize the real problem with their old relationships is Trust Issues. This may be their own, or that they are doing things to give other people trust issues.

Moving into Union:

Jungkook: New Moon in Aries

Once he figures out he needs to test the waters and get to know someone a little bit before jumping into the relationship everything will be fine. BUT you better believe he is still waiting at the starting line doing stretches. The second he thinks he has found the one he is going to full speed toward them. He's ready to take whatever actions he needs to to make their relationship a reality.

F/S: Void-of-Course Moon and New Moon

Lol. Don't do anything. He is coming. He's literally running at you. Just chill and let him. Meditate, Yoga, Manifest and that's it. He is ready to do the actions. While I think this person might actually be spiritual in some way, I think they do like to take actual action a lot too, but it's not necessary here. In fact, this person may be more likely to get into the wrong relationship again if they try to make something happen which would just make the union with Jungkook take EVEN LONGER.

When They Meet (Union):

First meeting is Jungkook left, FS right, together middle.

Jungkook: Health

He may be doing something for his health when they meet. Or he will think FS looks really healthy. I guess they would look that way after doing all that Yoga for years. Maybe they will talk about food and how they take care of their bodies, or work out routines. Either way, it definitely makes Jungkook interested in them.

F/S: Archangel Michael

This is why I believe FS might be spiritual. Meeting Jungkook will feel like a divine experience given with the help of Archangel Michael. He helps people let go of fears and puts them on the right path. Perhaps this person has given up on love to the point where they have asked Archangel Michael to lead them to their soulmate and he leads them to Jungkook. Speaking to Jungkook, even for the first time, might be very comforting in the same way Archangel Michael's protection is.

Together: Nature

They might make plans to do something out in nature together, or meet in a place with nature. It would make sense if they were working on health or something. Maybe meeting through a workout class type thing? lol.

They feel very natural together. Maybe in the way nature is beautiful, calming, and exciting, that's how they feel about each other? They want to explore the outside world together.

This is upon union. These cards are a little intense, so bare with me.

Jungkook: 10 of Fire (wands), High Priestess (rev)

He's going to instantly freak out. He may think the relationship is too good to be true. He will try to hide his true self because he's sitting there thinking he's not good enough.

I think despite him being ready for the union, actually being in it is so different. He's scared of getting bored, scared of commitment and scared of not being enough even if this person is as interesting and amazing as he believes them to be. He may also be stressed because he's scared about what other people's reactions will be. He likes this person enough that he eventually wants to marry them (hierophant in the middle was pulled as a clarifier) and they eventually stabilize, but the beginning is hard for him.

Again, the high priestess reversed energy will only be in the beginning because he wants to appear perfect and cool, but eventually he will realize that he can be the real him with this person and they still think he's great.

F/S: 5 of Air (swords), 9 of Earth (pentacles)

There are two scenarios with this first card. The first one is the relationship gets revealed way, way, way too soon therefore "fights, conflict, tension" are present because ARMY finds out Jungkook is in a relationship and all hell breaks loose (more on that later) or it's a personal issue.

Jungkook and this person may have a lot of fights and tension at first, but nothing super serious and nothing that is bad enough for them to break up (obviously). It may just be there way of figuring each other out or even keeping it interesting. The 9 of earth is all about high standards and balance between independence and love.

This person is very independent its safe to say, and they want to make sure they can still be themselves while being with Jungkook. That may cause them to be a little more antagonistic in the beginning in the same way Jungkook is trying to hide himself. They want to make sure Jungkook doesn't have a problem with them just being them. Once they realize he likes them just as they are then they will stabilize and move toward the more traditional and stable Hierophant energy just like him.

Views from the Outside:

I didn't specify between close friends finding out vs outside world finding out so I imagine these three cards encapsulates all of it. Army, BTS, Family, Friends, and general public.

Ace of Air (swords) - The truth, very similar to Justice energy, Honesty, and breakthrough. Others may see that they communicate very well with each other. Some people are going to see: THIS is the truth. THIS is the kind of person Jungkook likes. They will even appreciate how honest this couple feels. It's very balanced, very fair. Jungkook and his FS are quite literally equals in the eyes of these people.

(and then here comes trouble lol)

Page of Fire (wands) (rev) - These people are throwing TANTRUMS about this couple. (hate thread after hate thread) Lots of hasty opinions. Possibly on both sides. (this also makes me think this person might be a celebrity) It won't just be "Jungkook is too good for FS" but also "FS is too good for Jungkook" I think. LOTS of false info spreading very, very quickly. Tabloids like crazy. People speculating like crazy. The news travels like wild fire.

9 of Water (cups) (rev) - These people will be behaving like snobs, super arrogant, and probably using those types of words to describe either Jungkook and F/S. They will obviously feel very entitled and as if they know what the outcome of this relationship will be. "This person could never make Jungkook happy" "They will end in disappointment." but really these people are the ones who are unhappy and disappointed that these two are in a relationship.

3 of Earth (pentacles) - I feel that this along with the Ace of Air will be more like the truth of the connection and what people will see when they get over the fact that Jungkook is in a relationship. They have amazing team work and collaborative energy. They may even work on some stuff together after getting together. There energy matches each other very, very well and there is equal effort on both sides. People will be able to see their ability to work together and understand their connection upon that.

The Truth of Their Love:

Romantic Feelings, Let go of Control Issues, Playfulness, Attraction

Worry not friends! Jungkook and F/S are very happy no matter what goes down.

Romantic Feelings are very much there. They find their time to sneak off and have their moments. They enjoy exploring their connection from the very beginning all the way to the end. Romance will always have a place in their relationship.

Let go of Control Issues is probably because both might be perfectionists in some way or another, even when it comes to their relationship. Both partners seem to have issues stemming in not wanting to feel too tied down and wanting to freely express themselves and live their lives, so I feel like the connection flourishes when both are making sure they are living to this standard.

Playfulness is important just as I said above. They cannot feel too tied down. Their relationship does it's best when both are being playful and light-hearted. This couple needs to have fun together to thrive, and they make sure to make time to do just that. Definitely roasting each other, pranking, acting completely childish and silly with each other. That's part of what they love about being together.

Attraction is there from the beginning and carries out through the entire relationship. I get the sense that this couple is one of those couples that somehow learned how to make every day of their relationship feel just as exciting as the first day. They might never leave the honey-moon phase, or at least find ways to keep exciting each other and keep each other on their toes.

Jungkook and F/S are cute, but honestly they sound so exhausting. lmfao. BUT for them it is perfect. I couldn't see Jungkook in any other relationship besides one that caused him to constantly be on the move. He will find someone who can keep up with him, and maybe he will be the one having to keep up with them.

[teacupcollector]

Loki And His Follower - Part 2

Part 1

Series Masterlist

Summary - When Loki's time on Earth is interrupted by a sudden voice in his head, everyone around him are suddenly suspicious. In order to determine that he is not a danger to those around him with his constant talking to himself they send him to a secluded location in a disguise. What happens when he meets a young woman who is also a  magical practitioner  and has been speaking to Loki all along.

The voice he has been hearing sounds louder then before. That was what woke him from his sleep. It is early morning the sun just rising with the sky turning a beautiful baby blue. The birds chirping and the crisp, cool air seeps it's way through the blankets This felt much different then waking up in the compound. He was normally greeted with the sound of Steve waking him up for "training" which was more like "I am making sure you are still in your room not causing trouble." He sits up looking around the room, the blanket falling from underneath his chin down to his lap. He looks around the loft area taking in the sights. His dress shirt,  pants, suit jacket, were all neatly folded at the bottom of the bed while his dress shoes were sitting on the floor beside the  wardrobe. 

His suit case was moved to the floor before he went to bed that night. He removes the blanket from his body fully placing his feet on the hardwood floor. He pauses for a moment to listen to the voice that has been inside his head. Whoever they are, they are not talking to him directly at this moment. They seem to be talking to themselves and based on the tone of their voice they seem nervous. "Please have this food be good for them. I have no idea what they like." The voice says. He decides to ignore it for now and stand up. The chilly air doesn't bother him at all since he is cold resistant by being a Jotun something he still despised about himself. He walks over to his suit case after making the bed, something he became accustom to since his time on Earth, and putting it on the bed unzipping it. He had only slept in his boxers the night before so he decides to get  dressed instead of looking indecent in front of the cameras, wherever they are he doesn't know quite yet.

After some time he has put his clothes away in the wardrobe and has gotten dressed in yet another suit despite the fact that he will most likely not see anyone the entirety of his stay. He climbs down the ladder and crosses  to the other side of the cottage to the kitchen. Once he gets there he realizes something, 'I don't know how to cook...' He finds himself feeling slightly insecure, he has the feeling that if someone was watching him they would be laughing right now when he comes to his realization All he can hope for is if this mysterious voice gives him food from wherever they are. He turns around walking back into the living room toward one of the tall bookshelves. His fingers glide over the spines of the books as he reads the titles. When he finds one that peaks his interest  he removes it from the shelf and goes over to the couch  finding a suitable spot and begins to read. His reading was interrupted by steady knocks on the door. He lets out a silent sigh as he stands up and walks over to the wooden door opening it to see someone other then the Avengers standing there with a wide grin on their face.

This is the first time you have ever done this. Your family was very Christian and very strict. The first time you ever heard of magic was a long time ago when you went to a carnival with your friends at the time. You got your fortune told and you were interested by the vast amounts of colorful cards which you later learned were tarot cards. You began your practice in secret collecting books and writing in journals but never have you ever tried worshiping a God other then the one your parents wanted you to. You learned about candle magic and offerings, you read about different Gods from all sorts of religions and practices, you did your own day to day readings, and you would like to say that you became a decently experienced practitioner. That only expanded when you moved away from your life in the city you lived in out into the forest. You enjoyed foraging for plants, you had your own vegetable and herb garden and you were finally confident enough to aim your practice towards the various Gods you were interested in. Norse Mythology  is what interested you the most. The one god you read about the most was named Loki he was the God of Trickery and Mischief. You enjoyed the occasional tricks and pranks and you thought he would be good company. When you first lit a candle to him nothing major really happened. Until recently the flame of the candle would flicker and grow to nearly impossible heights. You spoke and prayed, you learned how to read the soot stains on the candles once they burned down fully. You were very happy to learn that maybe this God is listening to you! It gave you comfort to know that someone was on the other side. As of right now though you are worrying. The energy changed in the forest when as you were foraging the sound of a car on the dirt road caused you to hide in the shrubbery. It went up a gravel drive way which lead to a cottage which was vacant when you moved in, from what you could tell there were multiple people in the car. Being neighborly as you are you decided to trek your way back to the smaller cottage you lived in a mile or so away. You always made sure to stay within your property line which was divided by a small stream you frequented to forage the plants that lived around there. As you made your way home you notice the suns position. It was much later then you anticipated so it will most likely be dark by the time you went to go greet your new neighbors. You decided that tomorrow morning you will make your way back toward the gravel drive way and give them some homemade food. That is why now you find yourself murmuring  and talking to yourself as you pack foods that went from veggies, to fruit, to mainly desserts that you enjoy. You placed everything into a basket or two and then placed it into a small red wagon that you use to carry your various plants, herbs, and magical tools for when you decide to practice in the forest. You are clad in a pair of denim overalls, a (F/C) striped sweater some boots and a small straw hat. Your (H/L), (H/C), was styled the way you liked it and as you tighten your laces you make your way through the forest, across the stream until the neighboring cottage comes into view. Your knuckles wrap on the wooden door with confidence. The door opens to see a very attractive man standing in the door way. He has piercing green eyes, and is wearing a black suit with matching dress shirt and tie, he has a well defined jaw line, and beautifully white toned skin with curly, light brown hair. His aura radiated power and confidence his face stoic and waiting for you to say something.

[yourwitchmama]

Full Moon on Samhain, October 31st: The Hunter’s Blue Moon With Horoscopes

For the first time since World War II, people in all parts of the world will be able to see the Oct. 31 display. Samhain's full moon will be a blue moon. What is a blue moon? A blue moon occurs when there are two full moons in one month. We are halfway between the autumn equinox and the winter solstice, a turning point in the season when we prepare for the cool months and shorter days. This is also a point in time where we turn our focus inward. How are we doing in our relationships? How do we feel about ourselves? What do we have to learn from our shadow self? This full moon falls under the sign of Taurus. Since the sign Taurus is powerfully rooted to the earth, this will be an ideal time to preform earth magick. Take this time to reflect on the magick and mystery of nature. This moon, though in Taurus, will inevitably shake things up in your life where things have been stagnant. Below, I am going to touch on the influences of this blue moon on each sign. Remember that it is important to know other signs in your chart, because it does affect your main sign.

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

You may feel as if you want more attention or prosperity for the work or energy you have been putting out into the world. You may feel like you are fading behind the scenes, or maybe you aren’t getting close to desired achievements. This moon will reveal why you are feeling this way, and will bring you the boost of creativity you need in your life to move forward in what you are wanting to do. Meditate this Samhain, have a bonfire if you can, and add herbs and incense to set the mood. You aren’t alone, there are many spirits, for this is the most spiritual time of the year. If you are looking into spellwork, doing a spell on boosting creativity and insight on how you can get things done is going to be highly effective on this full moon.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

There are two polar ways you will be feeling during this full moon. You may feel overly excited and you may want to go all out with the decorations and costumes. Do it! This full moon is activating your inner child, so don’t feel weird if you have an urge to trick or treat or watch a kids movie. If people give you weird looks, so what! You want free candy! In turn, you could be feeling bleak or depressed, stuck on your past and how you were robbed of your childhood. Don’t let any of this get you down. Inner child work is going to be very beneficial this Samhain. You will easily see into your past, and if you don’t have clear memories, feelings will guide you through your inner chid work. Nurture yourself like a child, but don’t coddle yourself. You are allowed to feel however you want, but like all things, in moderation.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you have been feeling stuck lately, look forward to a burst of inspiration and motivation. It might come out of nowhere, but you will feel ready to take on a new project or feel motivated to get things done that have been sitting for a while. You may feel inspired by those around you, or spirits could be putting subconscious information into your head that will inspire you. This is a highly spiritual time for you, and you will benefit from doing manifestation spells during this full moon. Remember to not take too many things on at once, and little steps are what you need to take to get where you want to be. Use this motivation to make a vision board.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You might feel like you are financially tight this year, which is understandable. Know that you are worth much more than you think you are, and you can get a job that you might not think you can get. If you couldn’t get fun decoration or a costume, don’t be upset! Samhain isn’t all about superficiality, it is about connecting to the other side while the veil is thin. Write down what you should be spending your money on vs. what you should not be spending your money on. Focus on what you can do to really save money, even if it is a few cents, it adds up. Consult your ancestors on what to do about money. You could use a ouija board (please use the proper precautions when doing this) or tarot cards to do this if you do not have the ability to talk directly. This is also a good time to cast money spells.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You are going to feel much more energized than normal, but don’t let this scare you! You aren’t manic, you are extremely excited and ready to take the day, no, year on. This energy will be intense since this full moon is in Taurus, but it will not be a bad intense. Choose wisely where to put your energy. This is also a good time to examine the rules you set for yourself, and try to see if there is anything you need to change. Try to step out of your comfort zone, and realize that you are capable of much more than you think you are capable of. This is going to be a good time to think about all of the things you are capable of doing, so write down ideas for yourself and focus on each idea, exploring the possibilities that are available to you in this life. Charging crystals or any magical items will be highly effective for you on this full moon. Hold whatever you want to put energy into, and tell it what you want it to do. Let your items soak up the full moons rays all night.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You have been wanting to explore your creativity more and open your mind to something new. This full moon is a perfect opportunity for you to get lost in your thoughts, take a magical bath, and curl up with an interesting book. You may want to watch horror movies or halloween movies from when you were a kid. This will bring a lot of inspiration and energy that you can harness for your creative journey. Any blocks you will be having will clear with this Samhain blue moon. You will be able to come up with new ideas and break out of your box to explore new creative things that you can thrive in. Crystal magick is going to be the best way to harness this creativity. Use crystals such as lapis lazuli, jasper, blue lace agate, herkimer diamonds, and tigers eye to help boost your creativity. You will also get signs from spirits as to what you can do, so look out for any symbolism or repeating numbers this Samhain. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You are feeling upset that this Samhain isn’t going to be a normal one, but that isn’t stopping you from indulging in the Samhain spirit. You may feel lonely or like something isn’t right, and that can lead to depression. Call some friends and talk about your hopes and dreams together, and delve into spirits and ghost stories as well. The goal of this Samhain Reflect on your ancestors and their accomplishments, and how they may affect your DNA. You are a collective being of all of your ancestors, so look at what runs in your blood. Know that you are not alone, and your ancestors and other beings are around you in spirit. You can talk to them, though you may feel crazy talking out loud to the air, they can hear you. You may receive signs that they are there, like something falling off a shelf or a knock on the wall.

You should focus on divination, talking to your ancestors through candle scrying, ouija boards, and pendulums.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

This year has made you restless and ready to get things done. This full moon is going to amplify those feelings, so you may feel frustrated that things aren’t going back to normal. Luckily, the stars are aligned for positive change, so making a move now is going to land you in the right place. Try to get some of that pent up frustration and energy out by carving pumpkins, making a vision board, deep cleaning your house of any residual energy hiding in the dust, and anything else active you can think of. If you play an instrument or sing, do that to your heart's content. This Samhain, focus on your higher self and try to take advice from it. If you get tired from all of your physical activities, sit down with a good book or watch a movie that brings nostalgia and motivation. 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You may feel like your world is upside down, and you don’t know what to do with it. You could be feeling depressed that this Samhain isn’t going to be normal, but know that you are not alone, spirits are all around you. Try to connect with them to get rid of that loneliness. Try scrying, ouija boards, and pendulums to connect with those beings around you, you will feel less lonely. You also might feel that this year has been against you, and you are stuck in a rut. This full moon will give you inspiration and motivation, getting you out of this rut with new solutions to old problems. Journal and try to figure out what you need to do to get out of this rut. You can try automatic writing to see what spirits are trying to tell you to help you as well.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your highly empathic feelings have been hurting you this year, and you might feel sorrow from the deaths, fires, riots, corruption, and disease. Your highly sensitive heart needs a break, and this Samhain, you will get it. You may feel more empathic than usual, but focusing on what you can do to help yourself is going to be important. Go for a walk under the moon, take a long bath, watch some movies, and indulge in good food. You will learn how to feel for others without it harming you, bringing you motivation to help the world by donating, praying, and getting active in your community if you can. It is important to cleanse and cord cut this Samhain, focusing on taking negative energy out of your space and inviting healing energies in. Cut yourself off from negative people and thoughts with cord cutting. It will also be helpful if you place bowls of salt water around your space (don’t do this if you have animals or a way to get animals out of the space you are putting the bowls in) to soak up the negative energy. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You are fully immersed in the autumn spirit, embracing your birth month to the fullest, and revving up for a full on Samhain. It won’t be like other Samhains, but you don’t care. You are going to make the most out of this holiday, and it will bring you satisfaction and coziness like no other time of year. Watch nostalgic movies and embrace the colder weather. Drink some hot cider (you could add a little spiced rum if you are about that life) or smoke a little thc (if you are about that life). If you haven’t set the mood yet, what are you waiting for? Go get a cheap tiny gourd if you are out of money, and try to carve it. ANY squash will do, so don’t feel upset that pumpkins might not be in the cards because of the price tag. Have some pumpkin soup, pumpkin pie, candy, any kind of food that will get you into the fall mood. If you don’t have fall room spray, boil some sticks of cinnamon in hot cider, the smell is heavenly. Spiritually, focus on your shadow self, and try to communicate with the spirits around you. Make sure to use black crystals for protection.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You are feeling EXTRA spiritual this Samhain. You may not even feel like yourself, but that is normal to experience on the most spiritual day of the year. You are more psychic than usual, so divination is going to be highly accurate and easier to perform at this time. Give out free tarot readings, read friends who don’t know what tarot is, chant, drum, sing, and get fully immersed into the spiritual side of this Samhain. You might feel to magickal to participate in more materialistic things, so make this Samhain your own. There is no right way to celebrate. Let the spirits guide you in your actions, and maybe do some rituals if the inspiration strikes. 

Get a psychic reading here

[zeldasayer]

Futile Devices — Chapter 5

A Javier Peña/Call Me By Your Name AU

gif by @pascalplease

Javier Peña x Reader

Summary: Everything has changed since your father’s book with Javier was rejected, just as you and Javier were getting close.

Warnings: SMUT — age gap (reader is of age), inexperienced!reader themes, gagging, praise (use of “little girl”), vocal Javi, squirting. Angst. 18+

Masterlist | Chapter 4

——

Vita Murphy was born on April 9th 1963 in Milan, Italy to American architects Connie and Steve Murphy, who met your mother by chance one afternoon at a market in town. Taking a liking to Connie, Daisy invited her and her husband to one of their legendary parties. Your mother and father loved to entertain and invite interesting people into their home for cocktails and Daisy's delicious cooking. Your parents celebrated every holiday, birthday, or life event they could think of, any excuse to dress up, string lights through the fruit trees in the back yard and drink in excess to your father's extensive record collection. As a child, you missed most of the parties, having been put to bed just as they were taking off, but when Connie and Steve arrived to your mother's 35th birthday after meeting in the market, and saw you sitting alone at your piano, Connie knew that next time she would bring her daughter.

Even at 13 you felt the pull that Vita had. You watched as she floated around your home, seeming even more comfortable in it than you were, stealing sips of wine and hors d'oeuvres before noticing you and asking if you had ever had your tarot cards read.

"It's my favourite game." You spat out nervously unaware.

Vita just smiled with a nod, "Yeah. Mine, too."

And from then on, you were inseparable.

"She didn't cry, she sang!" Connie always said about her daughter's birth. "It was the happiest day of my life."

Made in her mother's stunning image, Vita had the most incredible large eyes and long blonde hair she cut only once a year. Connie knew at a young age that her daughter was special, as a believer in the universe and the infinite lives a person could have, she knew her daughter was an old soul put on Earth to love and protect the new souls, the tired souls, those who were born somewhere and didn't know why they were born there. She knew it would be quite the burden for one girl, but she saw it quickly in her daughter that it was what she was meant to do. A healer, a listener, someone who understood what many feared no one ever could. Vita attracted those who needed her, and in that, unfortunately led to a large turnover in friendships. Vita was used to strong, short bursts of complete female unity, where she loved you undyingly and provided the support that you needed to pass through a difficult period of your life. But not with you, there was no passing through with you. Not even during your extended stays in the United States or even now that you are gone most of the year in college, could your friendship be weakened.

"It's because you were siblings!" Connie exclaimed in a tipsy state on a summer night long ago. "In another life."

"Do you think?" Vita asked, turning to you.

You believed in Vita and her mother's cosmic knowing, and relied on it more than you were willing to admit. "Of course."

"You were brother and sister." Connie said before taking a sip of her wine, and going quiet.

She always goes quiet — one moment she will tell you how your whole life is going to be and the next, just as she's about to get into the details, she switches off without any explanation, claiming she "doesn't really know this stuff, anyway."

It always makes Vita roll her eyes, because she knows that's not the case for she is just like her mother. Vita saw everything and found people she couldn't read extremely frustrating. Vita has this otherworldly understanding of people and a patience unmatched by anyone you have ever met. She knows how devastating it can be to be seen, but how crucial in life it is to not only be understood, but accepted. Vita also knew how often you spent up in your head, in your make believe world where nothing could hurt you. How your lust for life was so consuming it left you unable to move, too afraid to start because it always felt like you were doing it on your own. Your best friend once told you with tears in her eyes that she wished she knew what planet you were from so you would have the peace of mind that you weren’t completely alone, and you thanked her because sometimes that is enough.

Vita is the human embodiment of home.

So why can't you tell her what is going on? Why does your throat close up every time you want to talk about Javier in any capacity? Why does your throat close up when you think about Javier at all? A part of you wants to run barefoot straight to Vita’s house and up to her room, beg her to help you understand your own emotions. Why are you so enamored by a man who always makes it so hard to breathe? How he manages to make you so hyper aware of your movements, yet he isn't even looking at you. How he's never there when you want him but you would drop everything to be close to him once more. You would drop everything just to be what he wanted again and it makes you sick to your stomach. It's like watching yourself at 15 all over again, when you believed the most important thing you could be was desired. Hell is the mind of a fifteen year old girl, and you thought those days were gone forever.

The tension in the house doesn't make it any easier. You and Daisy tiptoeing around your father and house guest. The quiet meals, that used to be your favourite parts of the day now leave you cold even in the relentless summer sun. You spend most of the time, sitting across from Javier, staring at him. Waiting for him to look at you so you can ask him what's wrong with your eyes. To let him know that he can come to you, that you want him to. But he never does.

Christian and Javier lock themselves away in the library most days and your mother tells you they still haven't come up with anything new. You're startled every night when you're woken by their raised voices traveling through the halls and you hold your breath until you hear their roaring laughter and you know they must be drunk.

You don't see Javier much these days, but you don't see anyone for that matter. Resorting to lazy floats in the pool by yourself or reading alone in the cool living room to escape the heat. It feels as though, if you can't be around Javier you can’t be around anyone at all and sometimes you can make that make sense but most of the time you ignore the irritating notion that you may really be going crazy.

But what was supposed to happen? Javier would fuck you and realize right then and there he couldn’t live without you? It’s so embarrassing because it’s true. You can't talk to Vita because you're embarrassed to admit you wanted to be more and tonight after another lonely dinner where you might as well have been eating alone — you dumped your dishes in the sink and slipped out to the back gardens for your abandoned childhood swing set. And you finally cried.

“Fuck!” You scream up at the sky and you kick your legs back.

As you create your momentum, swinging back and forth you can’t help but succumb to your own erratic emotions and you wonder why it has to be this way. Why can’t you just be happy with what you have? Why must you always need more? Why is it so goddamn exhausting to keep yourself neutral? You’ve never felt sad, only despair. Never angry, only full of rage. You’ve never been embarrassed, you only know humiliation. And you hate to think this way because you always search for your brain for a time you were truly happy, but you always come up empty.

Something is always missing. Something is always missing and you’re always alone but you can’t even be upset because you do it to yourself.

It feels like you’re taking the world on by yourself simply because you are. Because you feel like you need to, this is your burden and yours only. You must suffer to be rewarded for one day you will be able to walk in the sun and be alright.

But to what end? When will you be rewarded?

You want it to be Javier. Just being close to him feels like the reward. The energy you feel just sitting next to him, those eyes you want to swim in, the perfect angle of his nose and the voice that drips from his lips. It must be him, but he won’t even talk to you.

You spend the evening locked in this thought, the concept of the reward — you can convince yourself it isn't real but your heart aches for it knows it is the truth. Which is why Javier is so difficult. He is the one and it makes you dizzy with excitement, but you’re not sure if you can trust it. There is this pull of doubt at the corners of every thought because he still doesn’t know you. Though he could. If he just said the word, you’d spill every story, every thought, every idea you’ve ever had. How you long for more. More life. More love. More sex. More understanding. To truly be alive, not just living. Who could understand that better then him?

——

You like the way the cold ground feels under your bare feet as you walk back up to the house in the darkness. You feel lighter, now that you’ve cried and the house that sits quiet and empty is suddenly comforting. This is your life, your home. Javier is just a tourist and he should be so lucky to exist in the same space as you. But maybe this is you just channeling arrogance as to not be so sad, focusing on what he’s missing instead of your desperate need for him to actually see it.

“Claude?” You hear from the living room at the first creak of the wooden stairs.

You tiptoe through the corridor and into the living room to find Javier taming his fluffy hair with a yawn. Your jaw tightens.

“I’ve been waiting for you. I fell asleep.” He says and you just stand there, crossing your arms over your light blue summer dress. “Can you come sit?”

Shit.

“I don’t know Javi, I’m tired.” You shrug.

“Look, I just want to apologize.” He says, standing up and turning toward you, “We had sex and I haven’t spoken to you since and that’s fucked up. I’m sorry.”

Your eyes widen, but he doesn’t see because he looks down like he’s ashamed. You believe him. Gliding across the living room, you watch him in his usual ensemble — tight black t-shirt, soft cotton pants and his thick black framed glasses, and sit back down with him, on your side.

“It’s just everything with this book, I’ve never felt this kind of anxiety.” He says, his eyes cast down, resting his head on his fist propped up by the top of the couch.

You nod for you understand, but it hurt. “You didn’t even look at me this week.”

“I know.” He sighs, “I know, but I really am sorry. Please believe me when I say I’ve missed you.”

You look up at him, biting your cheek to contain your excitement.

“I miss you even while we live in the same house.” He says, looking away. His hand fidgets against his knee. “If you’re not at breakfast, or you spend your day here, reading in the living— I miss you when you aren’t around me.”

You wish there was a way to burn these words into your brain so you could have them at any time, to hear his voice say these things to you. This validation that he has felt the same after these long, horrible days of practically ignoring each other.

Bringing your hand to his cheek, you turn Javier’s gaze back to you, and study him as you feel the fine hairs of his beard under your fingertips. He looks tired, even behind his glasses you can see the deep longing for rest in his eyes. You don’t think he’s used to rejection either.

Javier leans into your touch with a soft hum and you could almost lose your breath from the tenderness. You want to hold him, bury your nose in his hair and tell him to rest with you. Just laying together, his big body between your legs and head on your stomach, until the inevitable rising of the sun. You can hardly bring yourself to imagine how beautiful Javi must look by the light of the morning.

“Come here.” You whisper, though it’s barely audible, as you rise up on your knees so you are flush against his side, looking down at him. Before you kiss him, Javier kisses you, and your hand floats down from his cheek to wrap your arms around his glorious neck.

Javi wastes no time, his one big hand dragging up your spine to squeeze the back of your neck, holding your against him. And with the other, letting his thick fingers dig into the soft flesh of your ass. You can feel the desperation in his skin, and you want all of it, this exquisite juxtaposition of feeling both safe in his arms but that he could also crush you with his desire.

What was life before this? Before Javier’s thick moans into your mouth, his heavy wet finger tips tracing. He takes up all the air in the room and you don’t stop him. He is everything.

You break off the kiss for a moment and remove his glasses. “I missed you too.”

“I’ve only touched you once, but I have spent every day thinking about you. Kissing you. Having you.” He says, pulling you impossibly closer to him. “It’s all I’ve wanted, every day.”

“Why didn’t you tell me.” You ask, and you can’t help the confused look on your face but Javier doesn’t respond. You search his face anyway longing for something heartfelt, like he was locked up in his head, consumed by his feelings for you, like you were. Instead, he kisses you again. Swallowing any upsetting feeling you’ve had since you’ve touched him last.

Kissing Javier is a soft pleasure all in its own, but you want more. More skin. More contact. To ache around him again. To show him how much you truly missed him.

“Let me take care of you.” You whisper, your palm trailing flat down the man’s chest. You get lower and lower, kissing along the beautiful exposed skin of his neck, dragging your hand down the soft black fabric until you reach the drawstring of Javi’s pants.

“Are you sure?” He asks, and you feel his body stiffen as he looks around.

You nod, pushing your legs out from underneath you so you’re laying flat on the couch, your face practically in his lap. “Just relax.”

Javier lets all the air escape from his chest as you pull on the pants and he lifts his hips so you can get them down his thighs.

He watches you with heavy eyes, his mouth falling open as you kiss up the underside of his length, hardening under your lips. Swirling your tongue around the tip, you rest your head on Javier’s lower abdomen lazily, feeling him grow even more in your hand as you stroke him.

“Shit..” He says through his teeth, smoothing your hair back out of your face for you.

You continue to take your time teasing him. Humming in delight as Javier can barely contain himself, thrusting up into your hand shamelessly. He keeps his eyes closed, hands in your hair and you can feel the relief radiating from him. He was desperate for touch.

“Oh, Javi.” You coo, as his head falls back on to the couch, fucking up into your hand and you swear you can hear him whimper. This feeling of power over Javier is absolutely intoxicating, to feel so disconnected from him all week then to have him almost pathetically trying to relieve himself with any bit of human contact you’ll allow him.

“Look what you do to me.” He growls. “Fucking your ha-and...”

Javier reaches around, taking his length from your delicate grasp and pushes you lightly into his pelvis.

“You’re so fucking — soft.” He grunts, tapping his throbbing head against your lips before dragging his cock along your face.

You smile, letting him. Revealing your tongue for a moment to tease him once more.

“Thought you wanted to take care of me.” He says, his voice tight and you feel his hand in the back of your hair as he continues to run his length along your face. Grinning as his grip tightens, he doesn’t hurt you, it’s just about the control.

“I do.” You moan, as Javi softly pushes and pulls your head in a rhythmic motion, just hovering over him.

“Open your mouth.” He mumbles and you do what you’re told.

Javier motions your neck down, pulling you slowly over him, taking just his head in your mouth. “Is this okay sweetheart?”

“Mhm.” You whimper around him, your thighs involuntarily rubbing together, searching for some kind of relief from the arousing pull of his voice.

“Yeah? F-Fuck your pretty mouth.” He grunts, thrusting up slowly, stretching your lips to accommodate his thickness. You close your eyes, focusing on the fullness, calming your breath to take him.

“Stay just like this.” Javier sighs, his other hand tangling into your hair to keep you in place and you hum in agreement. Then he thrusts — quickly like he’s actually fucking you and it comes as a surprise but the moan that drips from his mouth almost instantly is enough to make you squeeze your thighs tighter. You have never felt a high like this, being exactly what Javier wants.

You dig your finger nails into his thighs as he takes you, a blunt, bruising force to the back of the throat and you can’t help but gag.

“That’s a good girl.” He says, “Taking my dick in your hot fucking mouth. I love that sound.”

You gag once more and Javier pulls out to you gasping. Spit suspended from your mouth to his cock and you watch it for a moment before grinning up at Javi.

“You’re so fucking cute.” He shakes his head in disbelief, wiping the saliva from your mouth.

“I’ve never done that before.” You smile, looking down slightly embarrassed as you wonder if you were even any good.

“You keep saying that...” Javi’s voice trails off as he pulls your dress up to knead your behind. You love having his hands on you, playing with you. “But you’d never know...”

You try to suppress your satisfied smile, flattening your palms around the base of Javier’s shaft, you take him back in your mouth.

“Fuck...” he exhales long and slow, grabbing a rough handful of your ass before pushing you down on to him, taking him completely down your throat and keeps you there. Your eyes water, and your leg kicks out before he lets you breathe again, coming up for air with a cough you look up at him and he looks down at you like the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

——

Javier pulls you back up against his side, and he looks up at you as he’s slumped down into the couch. You wrap your arms back around his neck, fluttering your fingers through his hair and he nuzzles your chest, pressing his lips into your skin. You wish he was like this always, soft in your arms.

Javi hooks a finger into the top of your dress and pulls down, freeing your breasts, nipples hard in attention and he takes one in his mouth. Your cradle his head as he sucks on the buds and you let your own fall back slowly, relishing in the feeling of his tongue and his lips, the brushing of his moustache and the digging of his nose and how sweet he looks in your arms. This is too much, you’re going dizzy.

Javier helps you pull your dress over his head and his lips quickly return to your nipples. His big warm hands squeezing your bust harshly, alternating with his teeth scraping the sensitive flesh and completely pressing his face into your chest. Even as you climb into his lap, on top of him completely nude, his tongue doesn’t give up until you pull his face up to yours for a kiss.

He tastes like everything you want to drown in and it’s heady, like a force you must fight before it completely consumes you, but you don’t want to.

“Fuck.” You gasp, grinding your hips along Javi’s length, desperate for more.

“Oh, god.” He chokes, dropping his forehead to your shoulder. “Are you going to fuck me this time, sweetheart?”

“Yeah..” You whine, reaching between your bodies.

“Yeah? You’re gonna bounce that wet little pussy on my dick?” His voice shakes into your neck, and it’s such a contrast from his stern “Get on your bed.” from days ago.

You nod, kissing up his jaw in this sudden codependency, his need to feel every inch of you as you both fall back into the couch.

“Relax, Javi. Let me do this for you.” You coo, sinking down on to him. You hum from the incredible stretch and Javier groans right into your ear.

“That pussy is so fucking tight.” He says, out of breath. “Don’t move.”

You obey him, stilling in his lap and Javier lifts his head from the safe space between your neck and your shoulder and he looks up at you.

“What if I just held you here like this.” He says, almost to himself, his hands coming up to your ass. “Stuffed full of my dick and I didn’t let you move.”

“Javi...” You whine.

“Would you still be my good little girl?”

“Javi...” You whine louder, your chest feeling like it’s going to collapse, Javier’s fingers digging into you and he gives you two small thrusts.

“You love being my good girl, don’t you?” Javier whispers, pushing your hair behind your shoulders.

More than anything.

“Yes.” You gasp.

“I know you do.” He says, guiding you slowly up and down. “Just sucking my dick made this pussy a dripping mess.”

“I love it.” You groan as the sound of your skin against his gets louder as you work your hips for him.

Javier looks a moment away from possession and it just fuels you, for you have him where you always want him and you want this to be the death of him.

You still again, but only for a moment to steady yourself as you get up on your feet.

“Shit..” Javier sighs, before he turns you both with your arms wrapped around him, his back now against the arm rest and his legs straight out along the couch. “There you go, baby.”

You reach behind you, finding your balance with your grip on his knees and you pull your hips up.

“Oh my fucking god.” Javier gasps, running his hand down his face and you push your hips down slowly, watching him and in this moment he is really yours.

Fighting through the burning in your arms and your legs, you give him everything you’ve got. Mewing in the pleasure of seeing him underneath you like this, needing you like this. Submitting to the grinding of your hips and the wetness that aches around him. You wish you could see yourself on top of him, your chest bouncing, skin glowing in sweat so he knows exactly what he could have, whenever he wanted it.

“Your pussy is so fucking pretty.” Javier says, his thumb dragging across your mound and down to your clit, that is begging for attention and the moment his fingertip grazes the sensitive nerve your legs clamp together. But he doesn’t stop. Even as his length falls from your body from the increased height of your hips, Javier’s hand doesn’t retreat from the soft thighs it’s wedged between. Circling your clit over and over, your arms buckle and you hold your breath. You thought you had the power but even on top of him you’re just putty in his hand and he knows exactly what to do to make you sing.

“Are you going to squirt for me again?” He rasps, his other hand pushing you down into his lap. “I want to watch this pretty little pussy squirt all over me.”

“Put it back.” You gasp, trying to force your legs open.

“Yeah, baby? Do you need my dick?” Javi teases, pushing at your thigh to open up for him again. He finally eases his dizzying pressure on your clit and holds you just above his pulsing head, slick with you. Running his tip along your folds, you try to sink down on to him, but he keeps you suspended.

“Beg me.” He demands. “You know I love the way you say my fucking name.”

“Please, Javi.” You whine, grinding your hips into nothing. “Please, I love your cock so much, give it to me.”

You push yourself up and fall forward so your hands are on his chest, “Please, Javi. Make me squirt again. Only you know how to fucking do it”

“Oh, fuck.” He groans, pushing up into you sharply despite your yelp. “Anything for my good little girl.”

Javier pulls you down, flush against his chest, still clothed against your’s nude and he wraps his arms around you. He smells like amber and fresh linens as always. Summer. A sunset. The breeze off the ocean and wine. Safe.

His grip around you tightens as you inhale him, pounding up into you as he finds your ear, and his voice is like syrup, “I’m going to take care of you sweetheart. Going to make this pussy cum. You tell me okay? I want to see it. Want to see you fucking soak me. Don’t by shy, my good little girl. Give it to me.”

“Fuck, Javi.”

“You’re so fucking incredible. Taking my big dick in this perfect little pussy. Let go, Claude. Cum for me, angel.”

You groan lewdly and Javi’s hand comes down on your mouth.

“Shh. Shh. Shh.” He warns, and you sigh into his palm. Angel.

This pace is overwhelming, and as he’s restricted your limbs there really is nothing you can do but take it, trying to keep your thighs from clamping together every time Javier brushes that incredible spot within you. Your moans getting longer, from an even deeper part of your throat every time. Your core twists and tightens as he brings you there, unlike anyone else ever has.

“Javi, now!” You exclaim, barely recognizing the screech in your voice and Javier pulls out. His lap wet with you.

“Oh that’s a good fucking girl.” He says, kissing the top of your head as you fall to his side. “That’s so fucking hot.”

Your house guest’s impressive length twitches in his hand as he strokes himself, his nose buried in your hair as you nuzzle his chest in hazy delight and he keeps whispering, “Fucking you is such a dream. You make it so hard not to just nut in that tight fucking pussy.”

You hum, lifting our head up and kissing him softly. “Cum for me.”

“Yeah?” He swallows.

“Please, Javi.” You sigh.

“Where?” He asks, stroking himself harder.

It takes all your strength, but you slip silently off the couch and on to your knees. “On my face.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” He says, getting up quickly.

Javier takes your chin delicately in his hand, stroking himself with vigor with the other, and you display your tongue for him, feeling the weight of his cock on it instantly.

“Such a good girl, letting me cum on your pretty fucking face like this. I don’t deserve you. So fucking— pretty.” He groans, with everything left and in this moment you have him, again.

——

You wake in your bed, and you know it’s late because you’re hit by a wall of heat followed swiftly by disappointment when you realize you are, once again, alone. With your arm spread out at your side, you know you are going to be met with nothing but empty sheets and you still feel it at the pit of your stomach anyway.

You sit up with a sigh, back to normal you suppose. Another day of existing separately, but together with only your lost puppy sense of self and a fascination for this man to sustain you.

Then you see him. Javier leaning up against your balcony door with his coffee, wearing only his pyjama bottoms. He hears you stirring and looks back with a smile, “Good morning.”

——

Tags: @pascalisperfect @thefinalgurl @we-are-like-a-timebomb @ssppoorrkk @headsindreams @kehrite @nerdyknightwritersblog @tangledlove27 @chipotle-pour-moi @jokersdoll @zea-is-amazing @someplace-darker @kaylaylaylayla @spacenerdsebby @forever-rogue @fionnthebandersnacc @colourmeinblue @longitud-de-onda @dogsinspace @spitmillk @staellula @crazinessgraveyardsandcartoons @leo-moon @mandoandyodito @bonkybaaarnes @sadthotsonlylove @ah-callie @astrolo-galaxy @lockedoutofmyotherblog @hayley-the-comet @boybalm @casjason @mrsparknuts @blushingwueen @ignimbritetcax @benakenalove @fioccodineveautunnale @exrebelshocktrooper @pascalisthepunkest @sav-a-nna @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa @solarwars @cumberbitching @rae-gar-targaryen @tabalugax @lokiaddicted @roxypeanut @ezraslittlebirdie @thisainttheway @none-of-your-bullshit @mand0-l0rian @assaultsofthought

Love, Zelda

[luverofralts]

Post Arkhelios

Abe is dying having to live with his deteriorating family. It seems like forever since he's been happy...it feels like forever since he’s seen Roman. With his parents’ marriage falling apart, he’s been thinking a lot lately about his own love life. Arkhelios is a small place and there weren’t a lot of gay or bi teens to date. There was Jorah, but he was way too young for Abe, and for whatever reason, Abe had always felt the Durant kids were like distant family to him. It would be creepy to try think romantically about them. It also didn’t help matters that if things kept going like they were, Jorah might soon be his step-brother.

Now that the Durants are unfortunately a fixture in his life, Ulyssa some times texts him about life at boarding school in exchange for dirt on her parents. She especially thought he’d be interested in knowing that Roman was having a huge falling out with his family, which was keeping him from coming home to stay with them. Abe couldn't blame him for that, Ulyssa was doing the same thing, and god knows Abe would have left by now if he had somewhere to go. College is still in the distant horizon, and Salem hasn't been impressed with the results of Roman and Ulyssa's recruitment drive, so appealing to Salem likely won't get him out of Arkhelios either. Still, it couldn't hurt if he were to go to the Bellamys and ask if they had a way to reach Roman. Salem had stopped paying for Roman's phone, and the school itself was so old that payphones were too much of a modern inconvenience for the school to bother installing.

Roman's room was still perfectly unchanged since the last time Abe had been there. There were a lot of good memories in this room. Memories of stolen kisses, of pulling off Roman's shirt only to accidentally put it back on inside out later, of his heart racing when Salem called them down to dinner while they were still tangled up in Roman's sheets....why had things gotten so bad between them? Was Abe just idealizing the past, or had he really given up something special when he let Roman leave?

Visiting Roman's empty room had only made things worse for Abe. Now he would have to go home to his miserable family alone. Or so he thought until he ran into Wanda downstairs. Wanda had always been kind to him, and Roman actually seemed to like her as an aunt. In fact, there was a secret Roman had told Abe about her that Abe was desperately hoping was true. Witches and magic were real occurrences in places outside of Arkhelios; Roman was even learning a bit of it at school where witches were abundant and placed in positions of power.

“W-Wanda,” he stammered, “I don't want to be rude or anything, and I'm not going to out you to anyone...I was just wondering if you could maybe do me a favour?”

It barely took anytime at all for the hall to light up with an unnatural glow, leaving only a silhouette of a human shape. Once his eyes had adjusted, Abe could make out the undeniable features of Roman's shocked face.

“Abe? Wanda?” he asked incredulously. “You teleported me here?”

Wanda laughed.

“From what I hear, you certainly couldn’t pull that off yourself.” Her tone was playful, but Roman’s expression fell.

“No, I guess not. Just another thing I’m failing.”

Abe didn’t let him say another word. Roman was in his arms again. Something good had finally happened to him. Wanda left the two alone with a smile, and a promise to help Roman get himself back to his dorm when he needed to.

“I’m so sorry,” Roman sobbed against Abe’s shoulder. “I’ve been such an ass.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Abe cried. “I shouldn’t have let you go in the first place. Everything here is just terrible without you.”

“Everything at school is terrible. I’m barely passing, my parents have forgotten me, I was so cocky when I left that even Ulyssa won’t talk to me now. I thought I was going to be important, but it turned out that I was really nothing at all.”

Abe smiled.

“You’re something to me.”

Morty was suddenly interrupted from his cat nap by two very noisy teens. Omar’s bed had been abandoned when he moved out, and that room happened to have a lock installed on the door. Morty wasn’t sure what those two were doing, so he watched impassively for a moment before readjusting himself against a pillow and drifted back to sleep.

Abe and Roman held each other in Omar’s old bed until Morty’s constant staring unnerved them into moving to Roman’s catless room. The single bed was smaller, but it’s not like they hadn’t used it several times before. Eventually though, the two had to face reality and talk things out.

“I want to come home,” Roman declared. “Ulyssa is really happy over there, and maybe she has a shot of bringing people to Arkhelios, but even Grandpa has given up on me. I’m not good at any of my classes, and I kind of burned a lot of bridges when I first arrived.”

“It can’t be that bad, you burned a lot of bridges here too, and you were doing just fine.”

Roman laughed.

“Grandpa tried to marry me off to a straight prince when I wasn’t useful anymore. I can’t even be dumped off on someone properly.”

“You would make an awful consort,” Abe said. “But maybe you don’t belong with a prince. Maybe you could belong with me? Seriously this time, no cheating or running off to marry straight princes.”

Roman looked surprised by the offer.

“Just so you know, I’ve slept with Ulyssa and made out with Jorah. If we’re going to do this, I guess you should know that. ” Roman shook his head. “I move to a different country and still only hook up with people from Arkhelios.”

Abe nodded. He’d assumed that much.

“Just so you know, sometimes I hear voices in my walls, and I think my house is haunted.”

“Ookay.” Roman was intially baffled by the admission, but he’d seen a lot since leaving Arkhelios, and the world in general was turning out to be very different than he’d thought it was. “I guess no hooking up at your house then.”

“You know my Mom would kill you if she ever caught us,” Abe laughed. “The only thing my parents can agree on these days is that they really don’t like you.”

Malika pretended to be surprised when she walked into the living room and caught her grandson snuggling with that Chun boy. Very little happened in her house that she was not aware of. It was one of the benefits of being a tarot card reader. She would keep this to herself though; Salem was already too hard on their grandson. He was far too stubborn to realize that pushing Roman too hard would just push him into the arms of Abe and the Helios family. Subtlety was what was needed here.

“Roman! You’re home! What a surprise! I hope everything is okay at school.”

The boys all but jumped away from each other at the sound of her voice, and she sighed. Who did they think they were fooling exactly?

“No, everything’s fine,” Roman stammered. “I was just practicing my homework for magic class by teleporting here and Abe was just walking by, so I invited him in to catch up.”

Abe was beet red, and Malika saw the beginnings of a small hickey on Roman’s neck when he turned his head to look guiltily at Abe.

He must have inherited Omar’s stupidity. Even Kamalani could lie more convincingly than this.

“How wonderful that you’re progressing so well in your studies. Abe, would you like to stay for dinner then?”

Abe bolted up and looked towards the door.

“No, thank you,” he replied quickly. “I think my mom is working late, so I should help my dad make dinner.”

“Of course. “

So the Chuns don’t know about this little romance either. Interesting.

“Thanks for the visit, Roman. I hope to see you again soon!”

Abe walked as quickly as he could towards the front door. When she heard the door close, Malika hugged Roman and then beckoned him to take a seat next to her on the couch.

“Have I ever told you that I once almost dated Abraham Helios?” she asked.

Roman looked appalled.

“Abraham? Gross, what could you possibly see in him?”

Malika pulled Roman closer to her in a motherly embrace.

“He was very attractive as a young man,” she replied. “He had so many ideas and such great potential. When I was your age, I thought for sure that we would get married and shape Arkhelios together. But then he betrayed me like young people sometimes do, and gave himself to nearly any girl he met. When I met your grandfather, I was a little older and wiser, and I knew that we could build a life together instead of following teenage hormones.”

Roman froze in place.

“Abe and I are just friends, “ he lied. Why was everyone in his life so against him dating Abe? He was a Helios through his mother, but that should hardly matter. Still, better not to make his grandparents even more disappointed in him at the moment. Maybe if he and Abe could make it until they were in college, they could finally tell their families to leave them out of their grudges.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Malika said warmly. “The people we love as teenagers so rarely stay in our lives as adults. Friendship is what usually endures over the years. When you’re an adult, I’m certain that this will make sense to you.” She winked and pulled Roman into an even tighter hug. “Now go get Wanda to send you back before your grandfather comes home.”

[twdmusicboxmystery]

American Revolution Theme - Part 1: Beth’s D.C. Spoon

So, this week I’m going to talk more about a TON of symbols we’ve connected to the American Revolution Theme. These are always exciting to uncover because it shows how these themes—many of which have stumped us somewhat for years—are finally coming together. These were conversations we had over weeks, so I’ll definitely be breaking them up into chunks for you. 

Take it away, @wdway! 

@wdway:

We've all been looking at Beth’s spoon for 6+ years and I know I, like so many people, thought it was an indication that Beth would show up in Washington D.C. Suddenly, looking at it the other day I realized the spoon could be telling us Beth will be part of a Revolution.

I would have never gotten this had it not been for the connection @twdmusicboxmystery made to the Swamp Fox and the story of Greene and the American Revolution. Where the spoon says “Washington DC,” I'm now looking at that realizing that Washington may refer to George Washington, the leader of the American Revolution. The D.C. stands for a coda, a repeat. Beth will be a part of a new American Revolution.

I started remembering how we have seen pictures of George Washington in the show. I know s5e7, Dead Weight in the cabin with the Governor, as he came through the door, there is a portrait of George Washington. I always thought it stood for the city of D.C. That it represented where they would end up.

We've also seen images of the Washington Monument on Fear (also in TWD when they first got to Washington in 5x11). Actually, if you look at the handle of Beth’s spoon, I think that might be the Washington Monument. There have been lots of hints. We’ve just always read them differently.

I remembered a painting that tptb released a rework of a famous painting substituting the characters from TWD that was done several years ago and I have searched @twdmusicboxmystery’s archives, but I cannot find the painting. Here's the original.

(I can’t find the TWD version of this anywhere, either. But like the Thanksgiving painting they’ve been using the past few years, they used this and replaced all the people’s faces with characters from TWD.)

I remember we thought it was a little strange why they would do this painting with characters from the show. Now it makes a lot more sense. I believe that Rick replaced George Washington but I can't remember who the other characters replaced. I'm especially curious who replaced the person in red, because I believe that will be Beth in the new Revolution. Here's what I found in the description of the painting. It speaks of the different people representing the different American population and then it goes on to say that some believe the figure in the red coat and black scarf may represent the women that fought and died for freedom.

So, it might be another female character like Carol but ultimately, I believe it is supposed to be Beth. Remember the red cape in Beth's prison cell. Another painting that Beth has been a substitute in was DaVinci's Last Supper. Jesus and Mary Magdalene both wore red.

Another image would be that Beth is associated with wolves and the famous story of Little Red Riding Hood who obviously wore red.

I believe the lady in red represents Lady Liberty. The reason I say that is because in my search after I read about this figure information on Lady Liberty popped up. One of the earliest versions of Liberty was the Roman goddess Libertas which description sounds an awful lot like the Tarot card of the Empress. Another image that popped up under Liberty was this one and I gasped when I saw it and thought, “Oh my gosh, I think I'm on the right track here.”

Remember this from TWB? (We saw it near Iris in a tent in one of the episodes.) I remember us having a discussion about how we believed that she represented Beth and yet we didn't know anything about the Revolution storyline at that time.

I'm about to take you down a side tunnel and this one is also so very good. In the episode Still, after Beth picks up the spoon, she looks over and sees Daryl stuffing jewelry and money into a black backpack. And now that I think about it, it's Daryl who initially carries the backpack on his back next to his red rag hanging from his back pocket. Red and black, the colors of Liberty.

So many things I want to point out. To start with, the pattern of the rug is diamonds a Beth symbol. Daryl is leaning over a dead walker wearing a watch. There is also another watch in the loot that Daryl is shoving into the bag, along with gold jewelry, pearl necklace a water symbol, also a military one because of the famous Naval Base, Pearl Harbor.

If you enlarge the picture so that you can see the bundles of money, they're all $20 bills, turned so we only see what most people consider the backside of the $20 bill. I'm embarrassed to say I didn't off hand know what the back of a $20 bill was. I definitely knew Andrew Jackson is on the front, so I took out my wallet and pulled out a $20. On the back was the White House.

Here a side note about the $20 bill that I found out when I Googled for more information. In 1861, the 20-demand note (what it was called) had on the front side, the Goddess of Liberty holding a sword and shield and on the back was an abstract design printed in green.

(Now back to the present $20.) My first thought was White House, white=Beth. You might be surprised at this, but I have watched the episode Still a number of times through the years, haha. I know the ending very, very well, as does everyone else. I remembered that Daryl and Beth used one of these bundles to burn the Moonshine Shack down and it was Beth who actually lit the match to the bundle and Daryl who throws it.

I guess I actually did pay attention in school so many years ago because it hit me like a ton of bricks that the White House was burnt down by the British in the War of 1812. Not only the White House was burned but also the capital and the Library of Congress.

Was it a coincidence that they used a bundle of money featuring the White House to burn down their dwelling? I think not.

Did I hear you ask the question is there anything significant about the fact that Andrew Jackson is on the front of the $20 bill? I'm so glad you asked. The answer is yes. This is something I remember from American history and the fact that I live in Tennessee and that Andrew Jackson’s home is within 30 minutes of where I live. You can't grow up in Tennessee without knowing some of the history of Andrew Jackson.

First let's start with a little brief history of the War of 1812, which lasted more than that year. This is my non scholar way of telling you about the War of 1812. After Great Britain had won the war with France and had taken away Napoleon's power, they decided to go back to the colonies and see if the first round was just a mistake because they were the dominant power. They were the British Empire.

One of the last big conflicts before the British finally realized they were dealing with the wrong people was the Battle of New Orleans. The British wanted to dominate the Mississippi river and if they could do that, they would basically be taking over the territory on the other side (the West), but first they needed to take New Orleans.

The British didn't think it would be a problem because they were a great force and the Americans led by Major General Andrew Jackson, were a small ragtag army made up of militia frontiersmen, slaves, Indians and pirates.

That's right: pirates.

Jean Lafitte was a pirate who ran a smuggling empire. The actual battle only lasted a short time, even though the British had a huge force. They fought the Americans the old-fashioned way, by simply marching forward, whereas the small force of Americans who were made up of people had to count every bullet were sure shots. In 30 minutes the British lost 2,000 and Andrew Jackson’s army lost fewer than 100.

You're probably thinking that was kind of interesting but what does that have to do with the storyline in TWD? This is just my guess, but I think there will be 2 wars or 2 revolutions that will include Rick and Beth. The first one will be against the Commonwealth and the second the CRM in the spinoff.

Back to Beth’s spoon. I thought occurred to me about the dinner scene in Alone where Daryl is eating the jelly and it has always been an odd scene. People have talked about it off and on for years how he's very obviously really over playing the eating of the jelly with a spoon.

The question occurred to me though, could that spoon be Beth's Washington D.C. spoon? Granted, there's no way to know for sure but it's an intriguing thought, isn't it? If in fact one of the meanings of the spoon is what I stated above, that the spoon hinted there would be a coda, a repeat of a fight for freedom similar to Washington's American Revolution, then the sharing of the spoon would be indication of the sharing of the storyline that they would be an equal part of the fight to overthrow a corrupt system and give freedom to the good common people that are still out there.

One of those definitions that I read about a coda is that it is a repeat that eventually brings a satisfactory completion to the piece of music. In reading that, I realize that the coda spoon is an indication that Beth and Daryl since they both are connected with the spoon both will be part of the satisfactory completion of the TWD story. It means that we will see Beth before the series ends.

We can tell that there's some type of twists in the spoon on the handle shortly above scooped area we think of as the spoon, it looks to be the same place that we see it on the first 2 shots featuring this spoon.

Again, no true proof but it does tend to give some credence to the idea. This gives another importance meaning to us seeing the spoon in Leah's shack. It points to the fact that we're about to see a coda.

READ PART 2 HERE

[gatheringbones]

I had a writing question if this is ok! You’ve mentioned writing landmarks and things you’ve had to immerse yourself in and reference points your writing needed, quite a bit. I was wondering how you went about finding or identifying those things? How you knew what you needed/where to look/how to apply it? if you had any thoughts or tips. I’ve been thinking about that a lot when I get stuck with something in my work. I hope this week is treating you well.

had to sit on this one a bit because I had to come up with a way of phrasing "leaning into and analyzing what makes you feel unbearably excited about your story will always lead you in the right direction" in a way that made sense. so here goes.

I tend to think of landmark images as the ones that come to you when you've put some work into sketching a rough sort of outline of what the characters and setting are going to look like and what sorts of story arcs you have in mind and are struggling with how the hell all of these things are supposed to fit together. Usually none of these elements feel particularly set in stone early on, especially when you've never told a properly long story the way you're trying to now. You might have a character type in mind, maybe a setting. There's a handful of other works you're blatantly stealing from and you hope nobody notices. You have an image or two, completely detached from any larger connected story, like two tarot cards dealt at random. Nothing in these early stages feels permanent, and it can be very hard to actually generate a plot from any one thing you come up with, because there's very little to actually connect them without context. And things go on feeling this malleable and hard to get a hold of right up until one afternoon when you're plugging away at some jumble of fantasy nonsense you have no idea how to turn into a proper story and you figure most of the time your characters are getting from point A to point B on standard fantasy horseback and that's when some voice in the back of your head starts griping about why does it always have to be horses in these sorts of books, you've never cared about horses in your entire life and you're not about to start now, so it feels like such a chore to write out the whole process of picking out everybody's fantasy horse and doing hours and hours of dreary research on care and feeding or whatever that you don't actually want to do but you have to because it's fantasy and fantasy means horses.  And then you think, "Man, what if everybody was going around on dinosaurs, I used to love those dinotopia books, why did everybody forget how cool that art made them feel" and then suddenly you have this visual of your crew of adventurers swapping out horses altogether for one patient stegosaurus with a very elaborate saddle situation who can fit all six of them on her back at once, and there, that's your landmark. The thing that does grab your interest; the thing that you want to be true about this world because that's what's going to make this world interesting to you. That's the only way any of this works. You have to be compelled and interested by the details that you include, because otherwise you're sinking all of this time and effort and energy into something that isn't interesting, and most likely punishing yourself for feeling completely unmotivated to write something that bores you, which is just mean. 

So you've got something that you don't know to be true (but at the moment you hope it might be) like Daisy the fantasy stegosaurus, and from this moment on words like "good" and "bad" are unhelpful and inappropriate. What does Daisy do? What sorts of characters come to mind when you think about the function she serves in the story? What kinds of situations occur to you once you swap out six boring fantasy horses for one slower, older grandmotherly lizard with painted shell plates on her back and nail polish on her toes? What do the paintings mean? Who painted her toes? Who repairs her harness? What happens if she gets injured, or too cold? Is she a normal sight for other people, or is she singularly bizarre? If brainstorming and answering these questions fails to interest you and fails to lead to more details that make you feel engaged and enthusiastic— if it isn't interesting— take that as a sign and move on. But if the presence of this landmark leads to the discovery of more interesting elements that are all connected to this one point, you're giving those things the power of shared context. You're breathing life into what you're doing. You're writing something for you.  

Daisy can still vanish; it might turn out that she doesn't need to be there at all. Maybe while you're mulling over whatever bauble you've come up with that catches your interest you think of something connected to it that blows it clean out of the water, and that's your new landmark. I rode concepts and motifs as far as they could take me based entirely off of the fact that they felt like the only way I could tell a story that kept my attention. Back when I first started last October I was reading that book about lesbian nuns and I became absolutely enraptured with that motif, which I took off running with until one day quite recently I realized that nearly everything that had to do with that initial idea had been bled from what I now think of as the story— everything else had evolved to the point where I didn't need it anymore. I didn't regret a word of it; what was important was the time I spent convinced that this was the only story I wanted to tell out of a whole host of others I didn't. Flexing that muscle grew easier and easier over time as my ability to lean into what made me feel interested and excited increased— I could come up with "better" images (read: more interesting, and with more links to other established elements) the more I practiced it. If this one thing were true, then a whole host of other things had to be true as well, and those things could be winnowed and refined until they were the most interesting versions of themselves possible— to me, the person writing it.

What’s something you want to be true? What happens once you decide that it is? How does it make you feel? 

[hillbillyoracle]

The Hermit Reversed: Navigating Involuntary Isolation

I'm not a big fan of the term "community reading" personally. I don't feel like can give a quality reading for just anyone who might read a given piece. Or at the very least it doesn't sit right with me, feels presumptuous. So I’m experimenting with what I think of as "tarot sermons" - filtering the lessons of different tarot cards or combinations of cards through other literature, media, and my personal experience. Let me know if you want to see more.

I'm working on a tarot devotional for the Hierophant at the moment. In writing this devotional, I've been thinking deeply about not only what the Hierophant is but what the Hierophant is not. That got me reflecting on what separates it from other religious figures in the Major Arcana, especially the Hermit.

Most don't seem to think about the Hermit as a religious figure. Most folks seem to emphasize their solitariness. But when I pulled up definitions to make sure I understood what hermit means, most of the ones I found denoted that hermits practice isolation as a religious discipline. This got me thinking about who religious practices are performed for - are they performed for the divine? are they performed for the benefit of a congregation? are they performed for the self?

As a lot of folks who follow me know, in late 2016 I began having intensely painful health problems. Over the next year they grew worse and I was effectively housebound. I left my degree program and searched for work that would allow me flexibility in hours and the ability to sit which proved near impossible.

As the months passed and people stopped replying to my applications altogether, I noticed something else - my friends had begun to disappear as well. Folks I had traded letters with for years suddenly dropped off, friends who had been happy to come over before stopped taking me up on my invitations, and many friends stopped replying to me on social media as well. To this day, I don't know what sparked the near total collapse of my social circle but it coinciding with the realization my condition was going to be chronic did not escape me.

I was very alone.

Part of what I turned to during this time was tarot. One way I found to connect with people was to offer tarot lessons. At the time I'd been reading cards regularly for about 9 years. Teaching people how to read the cards helped me feel like had value at a time when both friends and the institutions I'd been a part of had decided I did not. This blog was, in fact, originally a way to type of notes from the lessons I'd given a few students. I clung to it. It gave me a reason to wake up and at least jot down some notes in the morning at a time when I could do very little else. I started to see myself as the Hermit, toiling away alone in the pursuit of some deeper insight.

I wish I could say things changed, that I made new friends or my old friends came back but in actuality I'm still seeing the steady decline of my social circle. People get busy or they move away or they just straight up stop replying.

It doesn't bother me too often these days but this afternoon the dam broke.

I looked up on the fridge and saw that every Christmas card we had received this year was for my partner and something in me just snapped.

For those who don't know us personally, my partner invests very little into her social life and is still much beloved. She never really starts any plan but always seems to have an invite to something. Every year, despite the fact that almost no one I send cards to even acknowledges having received one, I try writing a newsletter, printing pictures, and sending off cards to as many people as I can. She'll assemble some too but it's largely an effort I spearhead.

So to see that not only had no one even texted me they'd received one, all the cards coming in were for her - it just stung deeply. The quiet "what am I doing wrong?" tape that usually clicks on when I notice our social circle inequities quickly became a very loud "what's wrong with me?"

Because when it comes down to it, I'm tired of being told not to take it personally, that people get busy and forget to say something. When you send 20 cards and get no response back, when 20 people are just too busy, it's tough. Like my own parents didn't even text and they're effectively retired. Because it's ever just that one time either. I've spent the better part of the last 3 years trying to find volunteer opportunities I can do and hit wall after wall. I tried to arrange something fun every few months for the first few years of being homebound and regularly had no one show up.

Isolation is never just once.

That's part of what had me reflecting on the Hermit as I was trying to sort through my feelings. Isolation, when chosen, is a discipline. Isolation, when inescapable, is a prison.

A Buddhist nun I enjoy listening to, Ven. Robina Courtin, often says "If you can do something, do something honey, but if you can't, what are you going to do?" She has used the example of a woman she once read about. The woman and her partner were hitchhiking. The person who picked them up then went on to commit a murder, and pinned it on her and her husband who were both sent to prison. The woman had the realization that she was not going to make it in her current headspace so she decided that she was a monk and her cell was where she would carry out her devotion.

I've often read reversed cards through the lens of getting stuck - how might the person in this card get stuck? I tend to read the Hermit reversed as someone who has gotten too focused on a pursuit or someone who is, to their detriment, determined to do something by themselves.

But it clicked for me that maybe another way to read reversed cards is what happens when someone is put in this role involuntarily? How does the issue they resolve result in the card in it's upright form?

For the Hermit reversed, what lies at the core is a painfully deep disconnection and the only way out of is acceptance.

As soon as I was able to calm down and started to think - "okay if this is my life, what am I going to do about it?" - so many paths began to appear. If things aren't working well with humans who are alive, maybe humans who've passed on would be more open to forming relationships. If humans aren't interested in being my friends right now, how can I befriend the birds that live in tree outside my window? Or the tree itself?

It as only through acceptance that I could broaden my idea of what a friendship could look like. I do think, at the end of the day, humans are fundamentally relational. But I'm less sold on the idea that we require human relationships to function. I think it helps for sure. But in their absence, other relationships are still available and a focus on human relationships can cloud out our relationships that already exist with our surroundings, the land, and our ancestors. This realization suddenly made me appreciative of the solitude and instantly I felt that sense of uprightness restored in me.

My relations don’t send cards, they send blessings. And I have proof of them.

So if you're facing something similar this season, where you're not only involuntarily isolated but near others who highlight that experience even more, I hope this can be catalyst for comfort. What does acceptance allow you to see that you never would have otherwise? How does that acceptance restore you to your full devotion?

[stygiusfic]

if the hades characters were a tarot deck

I saw gorgeous art on twitter of a few Hades characters depicted as Major Arcana cards and, because I’m a humongous tarot nerd, I started thinking about who would be the best fit for each Major Arcana, based on their personality and character arc. Unfortunately I can’t draw well enough to do my ideas justice, but I hope it’s interesting to read!

Some minor spoilers for the events of the game up until the true ending, since character arcs are mentioned.

The Fool - Zagreus, setting out, damned be the consequences. Someone ready to take the first steps in a new direction, thinking only of what they stand to gain. The traditional fool shows a traveling youngster, maybe a bard, happily walking forward, not realizing or caring that he's about to walk off a cliff, because he's focused on the sky and the vistas before him. There is a dog at his heel, trying to keep him back, but he ignores the warning. Zagreus doesn't care that "There is no escape"; he is determined and does not lose sight of his goal.

The Magician - Chaos. This is a card of luck and creation, of forward momentum. You have made plans and now it's time for action. With the resources at your disposal, you enact change upon yourself and the world. There is a certain whimsy to this card that I think fits Chaos very well too, though I was tempted to place them in The Hermit, symbolizing the guidance they provide.

The High Priestess - Nyx. This card signifies the serene wisdom that comes from intuition and introspection. It's a card of deep, profound knowledge. The answers we seek are sitting inside of us, in our minds, our bones, they are truths we can feel, and those are what we must follow. This is Nyx urging Zagreus to pursue his desire to find his mother, and supporting him in the endeavor, because she knows as well as he does that he needs it in order to move forward.

The Empress - Persephone. The Empress provides; her generosity is built upon effort and careful cultivation in order to achieve the goal. Plus, harvest symbolism runs deep in this card. She ran away once, but once she returns, we see her trying to settle into her role as a mother and, once again, a Queen, and trying to be kind as she wants Hades to be.

The Emperor - Hades. In its reversed aspect, this card symbolizes a leadership that can be almost tyrannical in the way it lays claim to the loyalty of others and the rigidity and unfairness of his rulings. This fits his rulership and his intransigent attitude towards the members of the House and the Shades who enter compacts with him. His rule over the Underworld is absolute and, on occasion, stifling.

The Hierophant - Athena and, to a lesser extent, the other Olympians. This is a card of traidition and institution. In many cases, it can be an oppressive card of rigid rules that restrain our growth, but sometimes it can be interpreted as a calling to become part of an institution and seek a purpose. I'm going with that reading, with Athena lending her support to Zagreus' cause because they are family, and family stands united (family, too, is an institution). And she believes she is calling him to Olympus, which is its own hierarchy separate from the Underworld.

The Lovers - Zagreus in between Meg and Than. Mutual desire, a healthy partnership where all parties have their needs fulfilled. In some cases, it can represent a choice between two paths when you've come to a fork in the road, which works as well if you decide to choose a single romance. Alternatively, this could be the choice between reciprocating their feelings or staying friends; regardless, the relationships are positive.

The Chariot - Hermes and Charon. Healthy motivation, willpower, a sense of drive and certainty. Why not make this a card of Hermes delivering souls to Charon's "chariot", his boat? This is a card of purpose, of knowing exactly where you're going and heading there. The professional associates seem like a perfect fit for it.

Strength - Theseus and Asterius. In the way that traditional Strength cards picture a woman subduing a lion, I picture Theseus standing behind a sitting and relaxed Asterius, with his hands on his shoulders or mane. Theseus is as insufferable in death as he was in life, but we see him having realized some of his mistakes, starting with killing the Minotaur and then rescuing him from Erebus in death. Strength represents the courage to face your shortcomings and learn from them in order to move forward.

The Hermit - Sisyphus and Bouldy. In truth, Sisyphus would have been a good fit for Justice as well, as a character who pays penance for the atrocities he committed, but in the context of the game we often find him chilling during a break from the Furies’ wrath, and spending quiet time with Bouldy. The Hermit is a card that urges us to take time to be alone with our thoughts and reflections and use that to become better people, which Sisyphus definitely has, because oh boy, he was a piece of work in life.

Wheel of Fortune - The Pool of Styx. This card represents the ever-shifting nature of our lives; sometimes, we are on top of the world, and then we fall and are crushed by the wheel, only to rise again. Fortune and misfortune are temporary. Is there a better symbol for RNG? That being said, I would have chosen The Fates for this if they were in the game, because they're very closely tied to this card, for obvious reasons.

Justice - Erinyes. Balance, fairness, cause and effect. Good things happen to good people, and similarly, bad things happen to bad people. The Furies punish the worst of mortal sinners for the crimes they've committed.

The Hanged Man - Hypnos. Sometimes, you can feel stuck in life, and you just have to ride it out and accept it and do the best you can. Think of Hypnos' running commentary whenever you get killed. "Have you tried not dying?" And, "My brother never talks to me". And he fell asleep on the job again, and he gets scolded all the time. But the little dude is happy to just hang in there, make his lists and vibe. He does his best with what he has and I love him.

Death - Thanatos. Obviously because of the card name, but beyond that I think this card really fits Thanatos' journey. Death is a card about change, a deep change that can be painful because of its magnitude but is often necessary, and brings with it a new beginning. I think Thanatos is forced to reassess a lot of things when Zagreus decides to leave, and the change he goes through as a result puts him in a better place by the end.

Temperance - Euridyce. Temperance is a card of calm and balance, and it is the last of the virtues in the tarot; together with Strength and Justice, it brings the virtue of Prudence, which is the highest Platonic virtue. Following after the upheaval of Death, Temperance is the reassurance that despite the changes, the core parts of ourselves, what makes us who we are, will remain throughout it all. Despite the challenges, we thrive. Do I need to copy-paste the lyrics of "Good Riddance" here or are we good?

The Devil - Achilles. I picture him in this card as the most raw version of himself, the angry and afraid self that clings to the most harmful influences on him. The Devil symbolizes oppressive forces in our life that we are nevertheless loathe to part from, such as addictions or toxic relationships or negative emotions. Achilles is chained by his pact to Hades, separated from the man he loves and the happiness that he could find there, but more than that he is chained by his fear. He is consumed by regret that Patroclus died because of him and would rather imagine Patroclus happy in Elysium than confront him and his own feelings. When he decides to "risk it all", he is breaking the chain of that fear.

The Tower - Orpheus. In the deck I saw on twitter, he was assigned to The Fool, and that would be appropriate for the Orpheus setting out to the Underworld to rescue his wife, but when the game starts we see an Orpheus that is broken, standing in the wreckage of the consequences of his actions. The Tower has fallen, taking with it everything that seemed true and reliable about oneself, and we are left to question who we are in the wake of that destruction. He loses his will to sing and is listless and depressed. He is too swept up in the pain of his failure to move forward.

The Star - Dusa. This card is a light in the darkness, a moment of encouragement to move forward in the wake of a catastrophe like the Tower. Dusa's bubbly manner always puts a smile on my face, and I think she's perfect for this card. There is also the reversed meaning, which is that sometimes you can lose track of yourself and you need some time to recenter yourself and decide what your next step should be, which happens to Dusa as well.  

The Moon - Patroclus. This is a card of reflection (look, he talks to himself a lot), and it can be a warning not to let yourself be led by your fears and anxieties. It's a card of dreams that encourages you to listen to your gut and not be swayed by the fears of others or your own. Very little is illuminated by moonlight, but we move forward even so.

The Sun - Cerberus. The best boy(s) is clearly a big source of joy for Zagreus, perhaps the most comforting constant in his life in the Underworld. The Sun brings warmth, a moment of joy and reprieve and the opportunity to bask in what makes you happy. If you don't pet Cerberus first thing after you return to the House of Hades, you're playing this game wrong.

Judgment - Zagreus and Persephone in the garden. As one part of the journey comes to an end, a higher purpose calls to you, and you should heed the call. That is why so often, in decks that borrow the imagery of the Rider Waite Smith tarot, this is depicted as people rising from their graves at the sound of the angels' trumpets. This is a card of consequences, of reaping what you have sown. At the end of his trials and tribulations, Zagreus finds his mother, but that is only the beginning. The road to reconciliation of all those problems is still open. (If you wanted to be funny with the rebirth themes in this card, you could just put Skelly here, for shits and giggles. That dude just keeps coming back, and he’s definitely receiving some of the energy he put out into the world if his eternal fate is to be a punching bag).

The World - The Olympian Feast. The World is the real culmination of the journey, where all the effort made so far pays off and brings a moment of contentment and completion. The Underworld and Olympus fixing their relationship over Hades' best wine feels like a good fit for this, aside from being the conclusion of the game's story.

[cuebooks]

Warning: This will be a long post.

I got this lovely idea from, @lifewouldbebetteronmars so thank you!

I wanted to do a tarot spread about Alastair Carstairs and Thomas Lightwood’s relationship, so here we go! You can find their post here.

I made it small because my cards are not the most family-friendly, so I apologize. The Tarot deck is The Dark Wood Tarot (shadow deck). Art by Abigail Larson.

The cards are:

Moon (Upside-down), High Priestess (Upside-down), and Strength (Right-side up). It is also Alastair, Thomas, and their relationship in the same order.

How I’ll talk about the spread:

What I agree with and what stood out to me in green. My thoughts will be in blue. My reasoning/source in purple. What I’m iffy about in pink. Quotes in bold. I’ll explain the card’s meaning and then what called to me in the card itself.

Fair warning: these cards aren’t bad, but I find it very peculiar and powerful that these are all Major Arcana cards, and yes, I did use the full 78 cards which is why it is weird to me. Thankfully, I had a signed bookplate by Cassie so I got to put that near my cards and hope that they picked up her energy.

For The Moon or Alastair Carstairs’s part in this pull:

Meaning of the upside-down or shadow Moon card: “Mania, deception, and mental illness. Crossing the line into madness. Unable to find the line between sanity and insanity. Blurred vision. Entrapment. Obscuring the truth. Blaming outer circumstances for inner turmoil.”

A lot of this sticks out to me with the return of Elias, the stress of Cordelia’s wedding/her leaving, and the new Carstairs baby.

“Mania, deception, and mental illness.” This can be a result of stress for when Elias returns, or from an outside source like Charles, or just life in general, but I can easily see Alastair headed for a mental illness. Especially with Cassie saying in the TMI news source live that he does some crazy things, but that could also just be him happier and more open.

“Entrapment.” You guessed it— Elias! Surely with the person that you resent and spent your childhood covering for being back plus not being able to leave the house as often since your high-risk pregnant mother is at home would feel like entrapment to you. Also, entrapped by how he is trying to apologize and show he changed like Cassie said (in the live), but the merry thieves not hearing it (and letter game) probably doesn’t help with his mental health or his entrapment, and he may feel very down on himself for it. Especially, being isolated in a place that doesn’t make you feel especially great is probably not great for your headspace when you just got out of a toxic relationship and the person who fully knows about your father is off making her own life and about to be married. (I’m not throwing shade at Cordelia. She deserves all the happiness in the world I’m simply saying it is probably hard on Alastair too.)

“Obscuring the truth.” Elias is back and I’m sure he’ll still show either drunk tendencies or questions will arise with where he has been, what happened, why he is here now, and so on. Alastair will most likely have to either lie and explain why to keep his past lies undercover or explain in general what has been happening with their father. This may also arise if Sona has a hard pregnancy and Alastair tries to shield that their mother is in pain from Cordelia.

For The High Priestess or Thomas Lightwood’s part in this pull:

Meaning of the upside-down High Priestess card: “Self-indulgent and self-centered. Narcissistic. Obsessed with the self. An exaggerated sense of importance. Excessive need for admiration. Lack of empathy. Distrust and the inability to follow one’s own inner voice.”

“An exaggerated sense of importance. Excessive need for admiration.” This sticks out to me because of the snippet where he wants to go on patrol despite the recent killings; so he wants to do something. He wants to be important and help keep people safe. And the admiration just stuck out to me, but I don’t really have a reason. Maybe now he doesn’t want to just be just the kind friend?

I highlighted “lack of empathy” because healing from a family member— or anyone’s— death can make you kinda hole up inside yourself, so him losing interest in others and being less empathetic I can see happening but with his natural nature trying to help people and always being there I can’t. So I’m at odds on this one. This could also be how he seems to care less about Alastair in the snippets which would make sense, but I think is more from anger and a feeling of betrayal than a lack of empathy. Especially because then he does apologize to Cordelia about his joke so it is still a toss-up to me.

“Distrust and the inability to follow one’s own inner voice.” Cassie has said that he has self-doubts and will learn to not idolize people and in the recent live said that we would see how Barbara’s death affects him and his sister in COI. We know Thomas has insecurities from snippets, how the characters view him, and how Cassie talks about him and his nature, so I think this will definitely be seen in COI. I also think it will be explored in his POV maybe/hope so. Overall, I do think he has a lot of self-doubts. Maybe from not being able to save his sister or simply because, but this gives me a reason to believe we will see more of this and his journey to self-love which I’m always a fan of.

The Strength card or their relationship in this spread show:

Meaning of the right side up Strength card: “Gentle control. Inner wells of power. Stable body. Sound mind. Fortitude and unwavering sense of self. Knowing when to apply pressure and when to release it. Character and resiliency. Effortless action. Recognizing one’s power. Your energetic birthright. Stoking your inner fire and transforming your reality.”

So a lot of things here for me. Thomas we know is insecure and so is Alastair. Thomas with his position of being the ‘kind one’ (said by I believe James?) in the group and Alastair with his heritage (said by Cordelia about why he dyes his hair) and being in London. So with this card, I think it means those insecurities will either be helped by their relationship or explored and helped in this book due to “Fortitude and unwavering sense of self.” So I expect/hope for some good healing and a sense of self since we do know Alastair is trying to become better and change his habits. (Said by Cassie and seen in the letter game). And a sense of self growing in Thoms and him overcoming his self-doubts, learning who he is (including possibly that he is gay and figuring out his feelings) and learning who he is in his friend group, out of it, and after his sister’s death.

“Know when to apply pressure and release pressure” speak out to me because of the ups and downs of their relationship which is less than stellar at the moment— from Paris, to London, to the ball, to the letter game, and to the beginning two chapters of Chain of Iron. But with Alastair not being around them in the beginning he is releasing the pressure and trying to figure himself out, but later, due to snippets, we see they talk. So maybe by then, we’ll see how the pressure or course of their relationship is handled. But this implies, to me, that throughout COI their relationship will be thrown through some loops whether as a couple or as a friendship in general.

“Gentle control [...] resiliency.” are big to me because Cassie has said that both of them (but in different ways) are learning who they are. Alastair with finding himself and breaking old habits like his Tarot Card, The Hanged Man, means. Thomas is learning to not idolize people and to heal/moving forward with Barbara’s death. So they are gaining control of themselves, what is going on in their lives and they are going through it. Being resilient to what life throws at them. And Gentle control because both these boys have honestly tried to help people and control things in their life for their whole life, so it makes sense that their relationship would be controlled by both of them.

“Transforming your reality.” For this ship to happily sail (since we know Alastair does not want to live in the closet all his life thanks to Charles in CoGold) and Thomas to come to the realization that (to our knowledge) he is gay or into men— their realities will have to shift. Coming out to their families and themselves and the world in general. Their lives will change. This is if they come out or want to and to what extent. So of course coming out affects your reality.

Overall:

I don’t think these cards are bad at all. The cards speak to growth and lessons for our boys individually before they can work together. Thomas has to learn that he is important, and needed (like everyone else in the world) and find out who he is. While Alastair has to change some things, help himself and find himself, build some bridges, and get through what is about to be thrown at him (yes, I mean Elias). I’m hopeful and happy with these cards because it seems like they will grow and we’ll get to see a stable, strong relationship in the end. (Due to the strength card). But before we see them together we have a lot of growth needed which is fair because these are teenagers.

If you are still here, THANK YOU SO MUCH! If you have any questions, notice mistakes or want any clarification I’ll be happy to help.

[crapitskizaru]

For Everything. (X Drake x Hawkins)

Summary: Drake cannot bear with the past mistakes catching up to him anymore. He receives a Tarot reading from his one and only friend among the Beast Pirates. 

Warning: Wano setting so possible spoilers. And after catching up with most of the anime...I just had to do this. 

The small room was shrouded in darkness. Only a single source of light remained - the man observed as the trail of smoke curled upwards from the candle.

He was scared. The cold fear crawled underneath his skin and confused his senses. He tried to reach back into his past, to remember what led him to this miserable point. Not many memories were left to conjure up in order to answer the persisting questions.

A quiet voice in his head kept reminding him that the end draws near, that death lurks even in the shadowed corners of his room, waiting to pounce and take his life.

The man didn’t want to die just yet. Not one person would remember him fondly if he did - he needed more time to fix his mistakes. The main issue was, however, that for a single mistake in the past he had to spend years in the present, desperately trying to turn it all around.

His eyes landed on the open journal on his desk. If he died now… There was a chance someone might find his notes and read about the crimes and sins he regretted more than anything in the world. He could try to persuade his own self that he was used, manipulated, forced to kill. But it certainly didn’t persuade his aching heart.

Should he tell him? Tell him everything? But what if he turns on him, and Drake will be left with enemies on both sides of the conflict? That would serve no one.

He swiftly got up and started pacing across the room. The most disturbing thought was the one that kept telling him there was no right thing to do. Both the Marines and the forces of the Emperor were committing to the wrong ideas, their hatred for each other only adding fuel to the fire of the looming war.

How could everyone be so short-sighted? Serving vicious men in power with only their own interests in mind. But then again, Drake shouldn’t be the one to judge. Everyone else must have had their reasons to do it, just like he did.

His cover will be blown, sooner or later. And then he will be left on the utter mercy of the Beast Pirates, no longer of any use to the Marines.

Drake closed the journal. He had to tell him. There was no other choice. Like an enslaved animal in a cage, no matter which side he turned to, there was always the cold steel of bars in front of him. And so his heart led him to the only path left to take - towards one sole friend; a friend he was going to lose at the end of that same night.

Gripping the journal, he left his room. No explanation or reasoning came to his mind, but he kept going. If he stopped now, he knew he wouldn’t find the strength to try it again - and so, he kept going.

Already, the shadows of the night seeped through the windows of the corridor. The Land of Wano had rarely been at peace, but at that moment it seemed like the whole world was calm, preparing for slumber.

Drake stood before the door, wondering where to start the conversation. Should he confess everything right away? Or paint a whole picture first? He figured that a start with a knock on the door should be the best option.

Before he raised his hand, the door opened.

“How long are you going to stand here for?” Hawkins asked. “I almost started placing bets with myself. So far, it’s been at least five minutes.”

“You’ve seen me in your cards?”

“No. Your shadow was visible from under the door.”

“Oh.”

Drake sent him a quick glance. The flowing hair he never got to touch, the piercing eyes, the regal expression on his face - merely looking at him was becoming painful.

He tightened his grip on the journal. With all the sweat he was producing, it was more than possible that all of the ink will get washed away soon.

“Drake? Can I help you?”

“Hm? Oh right. Yes. Yes, you can. Please.”

Hawkins bowed his head. “Very well then. Come in.”

You will hate me before this night ends, Drake thought, entering the cabin.

It was a lot brighter than his own, he had to admit that. At least two dozen candles were lit, placed on every possible surface - the floor, the chest of drawers, the windowsill, and the huge desk in the middle of the room, covered with piles of documents. Drake wondered how it was possible that they still hadn’t caught on fire.

It felt cozy and comfortable, at least in comparison to his own dark, lifeless, austere excuse for a cabin.

“I’m guessing you want to know what the cards say.” Hawkins sat behind the desk and gestured for Drake to take the chair across him. “Took you long enough to finally ask. It’s not like I charge for it, you know that.”  

“Actually, I’m here for something else-”

“Sit down.”

Drake sat down. Annoying his friend needlessly before he even starts to confess would only make this harder. With a sigh, Drake slid his journal across the desk, unable to look Hawkins in the eye.

“What’s this?”

“A matter I came to you with. It’s…I figured it’d be easier for me to write it all, rather than say it out loud.”

“First, the cards.”

“But-”

“Draw three. Left hand.”

Drake sighed again and drew three cards from the deck. The very same deck that he’d seen in use so many times - when Hawkins used his power, the cards glowed in creepy blue and usually meant bad news for either the enemy or Hawkins himself. Drake wasn’t very fond of that deck of cards.

“The Hierophant. Reversed. The Hanged Man. And the Knight of Pentacles.”

“You don’t seem happy with that.”

“I’m rarely happy,” Hawkins murmured, frowning. “You carry a lot of guilt and shame. Your actions don’t correspond with your values, which causes you to be at constant war with yourself.”

An awkward silence took over.

“Is that it?” Drake asked after a while.

“No. The Hanged Man means you’re stuck in a situation you desperately want to get out of. Think of it as being locked in a cell. In order to escape this stagnancy, you either have to make a firm decision or try to make peace with yourself. Let the events unfold, and maybe the cell door will open unassisted.”

“So you’re saying… When I’m locked in prison, I should just wait long enough and the lock will unlatch.”

Hawkins sent him a tired stare. “No, that’s not it. I’m saying if you try to calm your inner conflicts or attempt to solve some of them, your path will appear on its own.”

“What if I’m unable to do that?”

“This card right here-,” Hawkins continued without an answer, patting a card with a depiction of a knight on a black horse. “- could mean your difficulty in expressing emotions. One of the reasons for that might be a problematic relationship with your father figure.” A short silence followed that statement. “The card also paints you as a reliable, patient, and loyal man. I don’t know about the loyal part…”

Drake felt the tips of his ears catch on fire - the heatwaves suddenly erupting throughout his whole body made him consider taking off his leather jacket, but he discarded that idea at once.

“…since you’re a former Rear Admiral turned pirate, but I’d say the rest is accurate.” Hawkins looked him in the eye. “You are reliable. You don’t back away when a fight turns out to be inevitable. I know I can count on you.”

It was at that exact moment when Drake started regretting his choice at confessing. How could he admit treason to his one and only friend? Under his heavy stare, Drake felt worse than he had for a long time.

“I think you overestimate me,” he whispered.

“I think you underestimate yourself, Drake. And downgrade your morals.”

Drake shifted uncontrollably in his seat, making it screech. “You don’t know a thing about my morals.”

Hawkins smirked and quickly shuffled the cards. “Draw one. Right hand.”

“Listen, I didn’t come here for a lecture.” Drake stood up with haste, suddenly filled with determination. “I don’t fully…grasp the idea behind those cards, or the power you actually have over them. But I’m almost sure those pieces of paper can’t help me. At this point, I have no idea what can. I will be going now. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

He reached for the journal, but Hawkins grabbed it first. His red eyes were calm but cold; tiny candle flames reflected in them, giving him an unearthly look.

“You seek help. You came to me, and since cards are my biggest asset, I’m doing my best to guide you. But it won’t bear any results without cooperation from your side.”

Drake’s hands gripped the back of the chair, knuckles turning white from strain. The man locked his eyes on one of the candles until his vision blurred, and the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding released slowly.

“I’m not judging you, Drake. I would be a fool and a hypocrite if I did. We all make terrible mistakes. Let me help you fix yours. Now, in the present,” Hawkins paused. “Draw a card.”

He couldn’t back out now. He couldn’t lie to his friend anymore, not after what he’d just heard. This was the only way. Drake drew a card from the very top of the deck. Immediately after his touch, it started glowing in blue.

Claiming back his previous seat, Drake stared at his colleague, trying to imprint his majestic features in his mind. After all, he wasn’t sure whether he’ll see those flowing hair ever again. Or that tattooed cross on his neck. He had always been fond of it.

The blue glimmer accentuated the sharp lines of his face, now furrowed in silent focus.

“I’ll be honest, you’re starting to freak me out a bit,” Drake said.  

“You drew The Lovers. Reversed.”

“Doesn’t sound too bad.”

Hawkins lifted his gaze and started absent-mindedly fiddling with one of the flames. His fingers caressed them as if they radiated no heat, and then, with one swift movement, he extinguished the light.

Drake watched a smudge of smoke travel all the way towards the ceiling.

“You need to accept that your present is the result of the choices that you’ve made a long time ago. Embrace your past. Only then you will be able to move forward.” Hawkins paused as if considering whether he should continue or not. “It’s also a rather strong indicator of you harboring feelings for your colleague. What’s most likely to be stopping you from engaging is fear. But don’t worry-”

Drake raised an eyebrow. Who in their right mind wouldn’t worry after all this information?

“- it’s not an unrequited love.”

Silence veiled the room once more, but Drake had no interest in disturbing it. Quite frankly, he wasn’t sure what to say.

Eventually, after most of the flames had died down and the wax stiffened on the candles, he stirred. He almost forgot about the true reason he came there in the first place - it was high time to get it over with.

“You may count on me during our battles, but I know you don’t fully trust me. It could be your cards hinting or solely your intuition…I want you to know you’re right for being wary of me. I came here to confess. And to apologize, if you’ll allow it. Everything is in the journal.”

Hawkins crossed his hands on his chest, leaning back.

“Everything? You wrote down your mistakes, both past and present?”

“Yes. My current…” Drake wavered, then gathered his composure. “- situation as well. It will most likely come to light anyway, but I’d rather confess it myself.”

“Good,” Hawkins replied nonchalantly, lifting up the journal. “I need you to watch closely now.”

So Drake watched. First, the man weighted the notebook in his hand, as if measuring its worth. And then he directed it over one of the flames, causing it to crackle and catch on fire.

“Wait, what are you doing? I want you to read it all. I need you to know.” Drake sat up straight, grasping the edge of the desk. “I can’t lie to you.”

“Then don’t,” Hawkins muttered, fascinated with the bright flame engulfing the papers in his hold. When it almost reached his fingers, he threw it on the desk. “Start again with me.”

The fire slowly turned the white pages dark and withered. As only ashes remained, Drake lifted his gaze.

“The desk could have caught on fire as well, did you take that into consideration?”

“I’m sure you would have come up with something.”

Drake wasn’t sure what to say. A simple ‘thank you’ wouldn’t suffice in this case. So instead, he reached out across the desk and touched Hawkins’ fingers with the tips of his own in silent gratitude. For everything.