#and realized that i've kinda been lying to myself for years

[foxstens]

thinking about it.... i did in fact grow up playing games

i don’t know why i keep thinking of myself as someone who didn’t grow up with games and is a casual gamer/new to gaming. i guess it might just be because the games i grew up with nobody ever mentions, and the games most people grow up with i’m just getting to experience now. i also didn’t grow up with any consoles or anything to play games on besides a pc, which definitely adds to it. but the thing is, i /did/ actually grow up playing games and have been playing games for most of my life. and now i’m going to talk about it.

for some context, according to my mom we first got a computer when i was like 6 yrs old, so around 2003-2004, which i don’t remember at all and i have no idea what games i might have played on it. probably stuff that was already installed since i wasn’t yet computer-savvy lmao. what i do remember is our second computer, which we got probably around 2006 and used for like 10 years, until i started college.

i remember some of the games i played on that quite vividly. hercules, tarzan, jazz jackrabbit 2 which kinda scarred me for life, and both me and my mom played a lot of luxor and shanghai ii dragon’s eye. idk for how many years i played these games but i do know i never actually finished any of them.

then i just stopped playing those, probably because i got into winx club which then took up all my free time and also introduced me to browser-based games, which i then went on to play for a good few years. i played all sorts of things on shockwave, miniclip, agame, friv, girlsgogames. 

around the same time i got introduced to farmerama by my cousins and spent way too much time on there, like i’d actually rush to finish my homework so i could harvest my stuff on time oh mygodddddd. i still have that account and check in occassionally, though it’s mostly lost its magic by now.

in high school my time spent gaming got drastically reduced bc it’s when i got into 1d and tumblr, but i still played a lot of temple run and pou during classe. at some point i also got introduced to transformice by my cousin, which i spent way too much time on and got really good at. then i got to watch my other cousin play ori and the blind forest as well as one of the assassin’s creed games, probably the first

this was in my last year of high school, and i got into ori myself but for some reason didn’t do so with assassin’s creed at the time. at the time i was into reading so apart from ori i mostly just played online games while listening to audiobooks. i also played need for speed most wanted 2005 at some point, i loved it a lot and spent a lot of time on it though i never finished it. 

it’s in college that i started actually looking into pc specs and what games i could run + which of those games would actually be up my alley. i didn’t think i’d like it but after i saw hollow knight recommended all the time everywhere, i finally tried it out and could run it perfectly though i did drop it the very first time i tried it. 

so i guess that’s really what got me into gaming as i do it now, but i have in fact always been a gamer. and not a very casual one tbh. 

[kuiinncedes]

c:

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for pretending to be deaf to avoid talking to strangers?

ok so this all started when I (20nb if that matters?) was waiting at a train station. Just sitting there no headphones or anything. And this guy comes up to me and starts asking me something, but I couldn't hear what he said because the station was too loud, so I raised my eyebrows and pointed to my ear. He looked surprised/apologetic, mouthed "oh, sorry" and walked away. I was kinda confused for a second before I realized I must have accidentally implied I was Deaf to this guy.

So yea, totally harmless exchange, it was actually kinda funny. But then I found myself doing it again, and not at all by accident.

(To clarify, I am a fully hearing person, but I've been learning ASL for several years.)

The second time was on the bus. Some guy was just chatting with what appeared to be a couple across from him about something going on in the city (I wasn't really paying attention) and suddenly turned to me to get me to join in on the conversation since I was right next to them. Normally if something like this happened and the people seemed friendly I'm happy to chat, but I was just tired and not in the mood. Almost on reflex, I looked at the guy, furrowed my brows, and signed "sorry, Deaf" real quick. (Again I wasn't wearing headphones or anything, if that made it more believable?) It worked. the guy continued on talking to the couple and not me.

Now every once in a while if a stranger tries to talk to me and I don't want to engage (usually people at my college asking me to sign petitions or come to bible study, or people asking me for money, stuff like that) I'll sign "sorry Deaf" and shake my head or even go so far as to ask if they know ASL. It hasn't failed me yet but I kinda feel weird every time.

If I ever did this and ACTUALLY came across someone who knows ASL and they respond by signing, I would tell them I'm not actually Deaf. Or if anyone saw me doing this and asked about it I would explain. But AITA for lying to strangers?

What are these acronyms?

[kittyoverlord]

Queer Converts at Chabad?

It's more likely than you think.

I'm putting this together because as someone whose practice tends more "traditional" (for lack of a better term), and someone who is very obviously Queer, I have found myself relying on Chabad every now and again, and have some tips for how to interact with the organization with minimal stress. Hope this helps someone.

For those who don't know, Chabad is the "missionary"* branch of Chasidic Judaism, an ultra-Orthadox Jewish community which holds some of the most bigoted beliefs you'll find in Judaism. At the same time, Chabadniks are some of the nicest people that you'll ever meet.

My first experience with Chabad, I had just started learning about Judaism in college and had very little context about the wider Jewish community. During Sukkot I happened upon the local Chabad's sukkah in the middle of campus, and decided to pop in. They were holding a learning session about the meaning of the Lulav, and through a line of questioning I learned for the first time about Family Purity (Nidah) laws, and I piped up, "What if you're gay?" To which the Chabad Rabbi kinda stumbled over his words and said, "Well, simply put, you can't be gay." or something to that affect. I said, "Oh, ok." very calmly, realizing what I had walked into, thanked him for the Pizza, and respectfully left.

I've also had some good experiences with Chabad. There's a local Jewish festival in my town every year, and the last time I went I visited both of the Chabad booths (one for the university, and one for the general town). I can't remember which, but one Rabbi wrapped tefillin for me, while the other Rabbi only offered to the cis men who walked up after me. I found myself surprised, but glad to fulfill the mitzvah, and we had a brief conversation about Jewish practice and being true to oneself. His words were very measured, but were neutral, not antagonistic.

This is just to give you a bit of context of what you may deal with at a Chabad house.

Today, on the last(ish) day of Sukkot, I needed to go shake a Lulav and eat in a Sukkah. I couldn't build my own Sukkah this year due to my health, and had also been unable to plan ahead to register for any local events. As someone who has struggled to connect with my local Jewish community becuase it's very spread out vs. where I converted, I don't have any connections with local Jews who may have their own Sukkahs. Hence, I turned to the last possibility, the everpresent Chabad.

I googled around and found the closest Chabad house, found an email form, and sent a quick email inquiring about stopping by to use the Sukkah. I also had a back-up house closer to the liberal bubble I grew up in where Chabadniks are more likely to keep their homophobia on the DL, but I couldn't find an email for them, so I was gonna call the next morning. However, I received an email respose right away and quickly was able to set up a time for me to visit their Sukkah.

Fast forward to today. The Rabbi was very pleasant and I was able to observe the mitzvot of the lulav and dwelling in the Sukkah, so mission accomplished. I had planned on what to say regarding my queerness - "Yeah, I live around here, I just tend not to fit in to many local congregations." which went fine. What I was not anticipating was the very pointed questions to determine how Jewish I was.

I had been thinking about what I would say about this after seeing this post from @vaspider. So I hit him with the "I started practicing in college where the Jewish community was really close together." We walked around it for a bit but he was practiced and ended up eventually hitting me with the "Are your parents Jewish?" then asked me where I converted. While I have little love for Chabad, I didn't feel comfortable lying to him, so I let him know that I converted with the conservative shul where I lived at the time.

The reason he was asking me such pointed questions is because he was trying to determine how much effort it would take to work me into the Chassidic community. If I were born Jewish, he would just need to convince me to strengthen my traditional practice and be a nice heterosexual woman. As a convert in another denomination**, he would need me to convert again with a Chasidic Rabbi before I could be fully incorporated into his shul.

Luckily, I was somewhat prepared for this possibility, so I wasn't taken totally by surprise. And I didn't really feel insulted - I know he subscribes to a very specific idea of the world that is fueling his actions.

I was also very consious to not offer my hand to shake, and he didn't offer his. A lot of Orthodox people observe a practice of not touching people of the "opposite" sex, and I didn't want to extend my hand only for him to refuse it. I wasn't trying to be stealth, but have a full beard, and wasn't sure where he would land on that.

At least after all of that he still had me shake the Lulav and gave me some noodle kugel to eat in the Sukkah. That's all that I wanted.

TLDR: Chabad has the reputation it does for a reason, but if you go in with a very specific purpose and knowing what to expect, they can be a valuable resource. They want you to fulfill the mitvot, so if you can put up with a bit of awkwardness and proseltyzing, it may be worth it to you. Of course, it may not be, this is just to provide some info for other Queer Disabled Jews who find themselves in need of a Jewish space in a pinch.

Edit: I told my Rabbi (who hates Chabad) about this and basically summed it up as, "I feel like a carry a little of your spirit every time I interact with Chabad, because I think I'm fueled out of spite. Like, 'I'm going to fulfill these mitzvot, even if you don't want me to.'" and he loved that. My Rabbi is the best.

If spite is what gets you there, use what works lol.

*I'm calling them missionaries because that's the closest term I could think of, however their goal is not to make non-Jewish people Jewish (that's prohibited), their goal is to make already Jewish people more Orthodox. Not that they'd turn away someone trying to convert.

**Jewish groups that vary by practice are more commonly referred to as "movements" as at the end of the day a Jew is a Jew so even different movements will respect eachother, but of course there's always exceptions and I just didn't want to use the word "movement" over and over again, so denomination seemed like a sufficient synonym.

[oatmealcrisp-freak]

Yuuri Katsuki has Bullied Kid energy.

Yuuri : Don't you dare see me as weak or perceive my vulnerability. Please comfort me and reassure me. I'll be constantly afraid of your reaction if I inconvenience you. Nothing scares me more than the people I trust lying to me. I'm more competent and at home in the face of people's scorn than in the face of their genuine love for me. The idea that anyone could see me as desirable is baffling. The world sees me as little more than dirt and I don't disagree with them. I am going to make them eat their teeth with their words or so help me I will set myself on fire trying. Just watch, I am the most beautiful woman in town and you will rue the day you underestimated me. How you like me now?

Victor, thinking he'd been dumped by the first person who'd made him happy in a very long time : I see this, I respect this, I am going to use the hell out of this. Hey. Hey fatty. Watch me pry the thing you love and use to cope with your feelings right out of your fingers until you lose weight. kinda reminiscent of what you did to me :) kinda sorta you know just a lil bit. You don't know what eros is? Okay, now you're just making fun of me.

Victor, after Yuuri had his katsudon eros realization : ...JFC he actually literally doesn't know. I. Uh. ...Huh. Well. Uhm. Okay. Maybe that means he doesn't get OTHER things too. He. He genuinely doesn't know what he did to me. He probably didn't even do it deliberately. Okay. Okay? Okay. I can work with this. THINK OF THE JUICY SUCCULENT PORK, BABE. ...I can't fkn believe this.

Victor, several episodes later when Yuuri reveals he literally doesn't remember the banquet: ...Well shit. The past year of my life has been a lie and I might be an asshole. Hm.

I've read some fics where after Yuuri's ED gets triggered and he crashes hard Victor looks back at all those early comments and goes 'I didn't mean it that way babe you're hot when you're fat and you weren't even that fat it was just that it could be unsafe for your joints to skate in that condition' and sure okay I get wanting to minimize the blow and Yuuri is adorable AF when he's heavier and i still enjoy those fics for the most part but

I disagree with that fully and completely cus nah, Victor's a petty lil bitch who can be cold and ruthless and isn't afraid to hurt people. Is he also warm and kind and loving and doing his best? Yes. He contains multitudes. But he was absolutely aiming to hurt, because he was hurt.

Yuuri, meanwhile, who's been bullied for a great majority of his childhood but has complete faith in Victor and unwavering confidence in his honesty - especially when that honesty fits his world view - that he has an entire Victor shaped blind spot : Eh? Pfft. He wasn't bullying me, what are you talking about? He was literally telling the truth. :/ I mean really, he was taking care of me.

Victor, falling to the ground and clutching his stomach with a groan because ooouuugghhh guilt-nausea : Y-....Yuuri.....

Yuuri : I mean Yurio can be a bully but that's just how he shows he cares so :3 Nah haha, I've had waaaay worse, trust me, lol

Yurio : ....I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of?

Victor, convulsing :

I think Yuuri can absolutely pick up on when Victor is being dishonest with him and poking his sharp little fingers into the sore spots, but more on an intuitive level that he doesn't know how to make sense of logically, so he just accepts it and moves on largely without comment a;dlkf he'll probably figure it out like fifteen years down the road when he's older and wiser and one day he squints at his husband and goes "...huh, okay" and then never does anything about it anyway because he loves Victor and forgives him and also Victor's hot when he's being mean so

[ddesanta]

Alright, i didn't have an intention on writting about this topic in this blog but i need to talk about something kinda personal which i'm not ready to say it in front of my family and friends yet.

I've been labeling myself as bisexual for 6 years with a big preference of women and a very small preference of men. I think about dating a woman everytime since i realized i was bi. But after years of carrying that label with my heart, i started to realize that i don't see myself spending the rest of my life with a man like getting married and having kids with him. I really see myself doing all of that with a woman. I don't see myself having s*x with a man because it doesn't s*x*ally and romantically attract me at all and i'm not interested on kissing a man either. But i really see myself sleeping and kissing with a woman.

Like, i see some men who look great but they don't attract me deeply (like a oh-i-would-kiss- and-sleep-with-him feeling) but when i see a pretty woman i feel more s*xually and romantically attracted to her.

I came out to my parents 5 years ago as bi and they reacted well and i appreciate it. But now that i realized i don't feel anything of a man (he can have a good aspect/beauty and that's it though) but i feel everything of a woman, i feel like i probably have to come out again as a lesbian and i'm figuring out if that new label fits with me.

Now that i think about it, I've been lying to myself and also to everyone (my family and friends) with my bisexual identity. Because i'm not even interested and neither excited for dating a man but i feel all of that for a woman.

I don't know what to think about all of this.

[hollister-mc]

A rant/dump about my current MHA project, I avoid spoilers for the current arcs

Yall I'm literally ill, I've never had a show impact me this much, I've never had characters affect me this much. I stopped watching mha during the Eri arc due to personal shit, like me moving and just losing motivation to watch. I still consumed the media, like fanfics, or honestly chat bots, but I just didn't watch the show anymore. (still havnt but I'm working on it)

I have a long-term fanfic that I've been working on for like... years at this point. It's longer than The Great Gatsby currently. I flip-flopped forever on the main ship, and even if it was going to be an x reader. I think I've ultimately decided that it's going to be Bakudeku/OC. And I need yall to understand why.

I originally started this fanfiction years ago as kinda a crack fic. It was a self insert of me and my best friend at the time. We were twins I put us into the series. Of course, we started it cause we simped for the characters. I wrote it, and she would give me input and ideas, but I ultimately did the main work, which was fine, I was the writer. Our friendship slowly faded, and so I slowly stopped writing. I was hurt for a long time, we were best friends for like 8 years, and she gradually stopped talking to me after she got into her first relationship.

The fic was abandoned for a long time, until during a trip to go see my other best friend across country. We talked about what happened with my old friend. At one point I told her about the abandoned fic I had, how I had started the fic for fun for us, and we had sort of a plot line for our characters, but of course nothing serious, as my ex friend just stopped giving me input and ideas for everything. I told her it made me sad, but overall, I was just bitter from what my ex friend had done. My long-distance friend looked at me and said, "Why don't you just turn it into your own? Redo it. Consider it like a personal revenge." And that my friends, is what sparked a flame in me. I reformed everything, I actually developed lore, I made characters, storylines. In doing so, I realized the main characters were no longer me and my ex friend, but two completely new characters. I won't bullshit you, the main character used to be me, but she, Iris, has completely transformed into this new character. That's why I decided to make it an OC fanfic instead of reader. I put too much work and soul into her, there was no way to portray her in a vague light, enough for anyone to put themselves in her shoes. I worried for a bit, cause I know a lot of people don't like OC stories. But I personally never turned away from OC fics unless the characters personality was too much for me to focus on and insert myself into. Cause I won't lie. I read to escape my reality, most of the time, I put myself into the main characters' shoes. So I figured, I probably wasn't the only one. In the end, I'm doing this for me. If people enjoy it too, then damn that's a plus.

Another thing I want to be clear, yeah I started rewriting this story as a way to express my upset at my ex friend, but truthfully, it's no longer like that. When I think about what happened with my friend, sure, I'm still bitter sometimes. But for the most part, it's become a part of my past, theres nothing I can do to change anything. I've worked for the past few years writing, drawing, and just daydreaming about this story. Im not lying to you when I say there isn't a day that I don't think about it at least once. I haven't been able to write lately, and it's been killing me. I moved out for the first time in my life months ago, and before that I was so busy and worked to the bone I had no motivation to write, even when the thing I wanted to write about consumed my waking moments. I'm still exhausted, but goddamn if the new episodes and Manga chapters haven't grabbed me by the metaphorical balls and twisted. I won't go into detail for anyone who isn't caught up, I gave up on trying to avoid spoilers.

I think my biggest hesitation is the fandom, and potentially backlash. Is that I'm no longer the teenager that started this fic. A lot of people don't like that, and will probably see it as weird that I'm making a fanfiction based around teenagers, especially the romance part. But honestly, I don't care. I started loving these characters when I was their age in show, and I'm sorry that they don't age like I do, but unfortunately, for us all, I still have an unhealthy attachment to it. So we're just gonna deal with it. The other side was the question of ships. I bounced back and forth for a long time on if my OC was going to be with Deku or Bakugo. It was hard, cause my initial thought was 'fuck it, both' but I hesitated cause poly ships, especially like that, aren't common or popular in fandoms, or taken seriously like I want this fic to be. Recently in the fandom I've seen how much popular the Bakudeku ship has gotten, and I finally decided to say fuck it, and just go with my original idea. So this fic will not be a love triangle, well- honestly it'll have juicy dramatic parts, but I'm going agaisnt the norm and saying fuck it, they all love eachother. I myself am not poly, (at least I think? Idk I'm unlabeled, the only poly relationships I've ever thought about being a part of are with fictional characters lol) So it won't be perfect and maybe not entirely accurate. If anyone who is poly wants to give me advice I'd be open and appreciative of it. Now that, that's all out of the way...

I'm going to give a summary of my plot, and i want to know if you guys find it interesting.

In a world where humans are given superhuman abilities, the norm, quickly changes. This world is not black and white. Prejudice and discrimination never truly leave humans, if it's not one thing, it's another. And in this world, if you don't have a quirk, or if your quirk is seen as undesirable or... potentially dark in nature, then you are immediately singled out and ostracized.

Our main characters, Iris and Ivy Blackwood, are born into an unfair world, where they are ultimately dealt with a hand that is hard to burden. Being the children of famous pro heroes is one thing, it's another when said pro heroes are constantly in the eye of the public. A scandal happens every week, it seems. You can't go far in research without seeing someone question the pro heroes' motives. Forsythe and Natalia Aphelion-Blackwood are powerful people, with powerful quirks to match. What sets them aside is the nature of their powers, powers that aren't normally seen as heroic. In fact, the whole blood line is filled with ominous powers, shadey actions, and downright morally questionable choices. When these two families married together, the media burst. Obviously, it was a quirk marriage. The only thing was they just couldn't prove it. When the twins were born, everyone waited in baited unease. Just what the hell could these bloodlines produce in power? Surely it couldn't be that bad...

Ivy's quirk manifested shortly after her twin, sprouting fox ears and tail(s) her quirk was Kitsune. Similar to her father's shape-shifting quirk, but of course had stark differences. Iris, on the other hand? Well, let's just say she won't be stepping into churches anytime soon... At the ripe age of 5, Iris Blackwood sprouted, wings, horns, a tail, claws, and red eyes to match. This girl was given powers seemingly from the devil himself. Her quirk? Demon. The nature of her power is unknown, the extent? unknown. No quirk specialist stuck around to figure out just what the hell she could do, but from the brief research done, it's believed the girl is able to do whatever a demon can do... What an odd analysis, considering no one really knows what that can entell.

Iris was forced to keep her abilities under lock and key, with great luck she's able to hide her physical features. The rest of her powers, she doesn't know, and she honestly doesn't want to find out. She's trying to become a hero, what kind of hero has a power like that? The twins' parents put them on a path, one that was built and prepped long before they were even born, what a burden to put on children. Iris wants to defy all odds, to show the world that she's not her quirk. It doesn't matter if no one believes in her, not even her own parents. She has her sister, her twin, someone who's been by her side since birth. Someone who will always have her back, that will never change... right?

This story is one of betrayal, manipulation, all kinds of abuse, moral questioning, and even questioning of one's sanity... but it's also a story of friendship, trust, found family, love, and the indomitable human spirit. This is the very definition that sometimes, your family can end up being the ones you share no blood with.

Okay, so tell me, does that sound interesting? I hope so, cause these characters, this plot, has been on my mind for years nonstop, it's something that needs to be told. And I feel like a lot of people can relate to some of the things in this fic. I'm currently rewriting the first 6 or so chapters, cause once I picked up the story again long ago, I just kept writing from where I left off, so the first chapters aren't adjusted to the new direction the fanfiction is now going. It's going to be Canon compliant but not perfectly, it will have its own arcs and storyline, and of course, depending on how the show finishes, I'll have to adjust. But overall, I love the plot of MHA, so I don't want to change too much. I appreciate anyone who supports me with this. Thank you guys a lot. Stay tuned.

[deathofacupid]

successor | p.p.

summary: you realize that you don't want to be like your father; follow in his footsteps. you have a different want, a different need from him. but you find the perfect person to take your spot.

lemme know ur thoughts

okay this one was okay kinda did it while i was supposed to be doing review packets for the midterms

word count: 1.4+ words-ish

it was never anything i'd ever though about. 

fashion was a hobby and that was that. i'd take over my dad's place as ceo, straight out of high school, right after two years of shadowing, end of story. 

no questions, no discussion. and that was fine, right? no biggie. it wasn't like i'd cared.

but, oh, that was then. 

this is now.

midtown is a school for science and engineering, but this year our theme was "openmindedness". every senior year, which was mine this time, different schools from across the world came in to share about their school and provide information. 

now, since this year was all about having an open-mind, they didn't just have stem-ly, ivy league, big brain/smart science schools come.

but they had other things, too. like fine arts. 

including the fashion institute of technology, one of the best. and you know, just for fun, i applied as early action. 

i didn't think i'd get in. but the fact that a staring at bold text that reads "congrats!", i stand corrected. 

like, okay, wow, way to chuck that in my face and send me flying. plot twist in my life that is already enough of a dumpster fire; now i have to re-think my entire future because my heart is doing happy/uneasy flips in my stomach and i can't figure out if this is good or not?

god, i used to be so indecisive. now i don't know. 

i may have contridicted myself here. 

why don't i ever know anything? this is a re-occuring problem. 

over the last year or so, i've been getting more serious about my future. y'know? like, this is happening. i'm adulting. 

i don't want to be adulting. 

because, damn, it's not hot. at all.

...whatsoever.

fashion, for so long, has been the thing that makes me happy. it's been the one constant in my life. i mean, 90% percent of the clothes in my closet were designed by yours truly. 

and a career in that? that sounds like heaven, it's too good to be true. 

but now i have a chance. this is my one-way ticket into this whole thing. 

on the other hand... what would i tell my dad? i'm his only kid. who else would take of the stark thing? i'm supposed to be his successor. 

but on the other, other hand, i don't want to be his successor. i want to be a designer. i can't do that from a fancy desk in a fancy tall buliding with fancy people who carry around fancy briefcases and make words longer by turning things like "because" into "the particular reason for the circumstance". 

oh my word, i'm having a mid-life crisis at 17 years old. 

no, no, no panicking. peter would know what to do. he always knows. 

he's like yoda, but 17 and a spider.

y/n: help 

y/n: i'm gonna die if you don't get here

arachnikid: what's wrong?

arachnikid: babe are you okay??

arachnikid: the dots went away

arachnikid: why did the dots go away???

arachnikid: don't move

arachnikid: oh my god oh my god oh my god

arachnikid: i'm coming i'll be right there

maybe it was sadistic slightly to watch peter panic like that, but part of it was amusing. in less then a minute, my window was pulled up and a huffing spider crawled into the room.

"hi, baby!" i chirped, letting him grab my face and examine me.

"i- you- what's wrong?" he panted.

"i need some of your old man wisdom."

peter was quiet for a moment, "huh?"

"i'm going through a mid-life crisis."

"wait, but- you're 17."

"yeah."

"jeez, you really scared me."

i shrugged, "yep. sorry 'bout that. that's on me."

"uh-huh," he glared at you, flopping down onto my beanbag and tossing his mask aside. 

i paused, trying to figure out how to word this. finally, i settled on; "i don't want to be the ceo."

he was absolutely dumbfounded. and i didn't blame him. what sane person would want to pass this up?

so i tried again, walking over to my laptop. "uh, okay. you know how, like, all those colleges came to our school?"

"... yes?" peter said, not sure where this was going.

"and there was this really awesome fashion one, yeah, babe?"

"...yes? oh- oh my gosh. you wanna...? go there?"

i pulled up the acceptance letter. he gaped, "wow! you- you're in! why didn't you tell me? this is awesome!"

"you aren't mad?"

he furrowed his brows, "no. why?"

"because i'm wasting my life?"

"no, you're doing something you love. and that's worth everything. also, i kinda had a feeling this would happen." he strided over to my closet, pulling it open and gesturing to what was inside of it. 

"do you even realize how good you are? because, angel, lemme tell you, you are amazing at this. it's freaking crazy. and the fact that you tailor most of you dad's suits? that says it all."

i blushed, but my short-lived happiness was quickly replaced by fear. "what about my dad? there's no way-"

"he wants you to be happy. this is your happy. he'd never take that away from you."

"really?"

"of course."

"but... who else would do it, then? i'm his only kid."

peter came over and briefly kissed my lips, "i'm sure he'll find someone."

i grinned; i'd already found one. 

-

i inhaled rather dramatically as i stood in front of the big door. what was i even going to say? 

oh, well, i'll cross that bridge when i get there. 

okay, i'm kind of already at that bridge but it doesn't matter. 

i only knocked once before entering, catching my dad tinkering out of the corner of my eye. 

"heyyyy... dad, i- uh, whatcha working on?"

"hmm? oh, just upgrading this. i was gonna add some-"

"that's really cool. i have to tell you something."

he looked up, squinting at me, "i swear, if peter got you preg-"

"no! no, of course not! god, dad. we use protection, and i'm on the pill."

"wait, you've been having sex?"

"okay, i think we're getting off topic."

"from what?"

"the stark industries. i-"

"oh, yeah, i'm so glad you'll be working with me. like father, like daughter. too good."

"no- what? that's- that's not where i was going with this."

"then what?"

i sucked in a whole lot of air; 

 "igotacceptedintothecollegeofmydreams,well,it'sonlybeenmydreamfor,like,lessthanayear,butwhatever,andiwantotdofashionandnotthisstuff."

"um, slower maybe?"

i drew in a breath, "i don't want to work for the industries. i want to do fashion. and i got into this-"

"what? you don't want to be ceo?"

"yeah," looking down at my shoes, i felt shame creep up my neck. had i said the wrong thing? i should've kept my mouth shut. i just fucked this up.

i glanced up to see him press his lips together, and then lean against the table, folding his arms. my dad sighed, "well, i know that once you've set your mind to something, you're pretty stubborn about it, and i guess that may be on me," he added with a chuckle. "but is this something you're sure you want to do?"

"well, yeah. it's my iron man."

"okay, what?"

"sorry, bad comparison. i just meant that, well, this is what i love to do. it's my everything. you know that, right?"

"i had a feeling." 

"you aren't mad?"

dad came over beside me, pecking my hairline. "'course not. i'm happy. happy that you told me, because now you won't be stuck doing something you don't like your whole life." he then ran a hand through his hair. "so what now? i gotta find someone else then. young, like you, i guess."

"can i help?"

"sure, i mean."

"cool. i picked one."

"already?"

"yeah."

"uh, background search? like all of that?"

"oh, i already know their background."

"yeah? who?"

"you know him. rather well, really."

"i do? jeez, just tell me, peanut."

"peter parker."

-

it was my 5th anniversary of my line, which, by the way, totally took everyone by storm. as far as i knew, everything was going great, and the bright dimond ring on my left hand told me just that. 

stark industries was written off offically to peter, just last year. currently, they were working kind of side-by-side, and that would be until my dad retired. 

i tied the bow on a small-ish white box, smiling to myself. 

in it were two things, yet to be presented to my husband. a positive pregnacy test and a strip of paper that had multiple sonograms on it. 

yeah, i was my dad's favorite girl.

but pete was his successor.

and y'know what?

i couldn't be happier about it.

[aaa-battery-not-rechargeable]

sending a confession?? Of some kind??? It's kinda long sorry.

Lately, for the past few years, I've been questioning my sexuality. I can appreciate people's good looks, but for men specifically, I felt ill at the thought of even dating them. Naturally, the next thing in my young brain that made sense was that I was a lesbian. Which was fine at the time, but I realized that I felt the same way with them, too. Not to the same extreme, but I didn't really fully imagine myself loving them romantically either. If I ever thought that my attraction to someone could lead to a relationship, I felt sick regardless of gender. At the time, I didn't know that being aromantic was an option. So I spent the later years forcing myself in the box of being either lesbian or bi, thinking that if I somehow believed hard enough, I could be like my peers. Into men (Since I was a girl) or being into women (since I have to like someone, right?). After learning about aromanticism, I finally felt like I could understand a part of myself. Of course it wasn't without difficulties. I still felt so alienated from my friends, who kept talking about romance and boys, trying to get me into the conversation. Even family started bugging me about when i would find "the one." I kept brushing them off, but I felt so lonely that I thought going back to lying to myself would fix it. Even now, that I fully accepted that part of me, I still think sometimes that something is wrong with me. But looking through tags, blogs, videos made me realize I'm not alone. So I'm getting better about it. Sorry for the long ask, I felt like getting it off my chest to someone who didn't personally know me. You don't have to respond or anything if you got this far, I just thought you were a nice person to do it with. :3

thank you for trusting me with your story, anon <2

i think it's an experience a lot of aros relate to, so you're not alone at all in your journey. i'm so glad you were able to find an online community of people like this

i hope it's okay that i post this, i just think it's something people may benefit from seeing, maybe this will help someone else realize they're not alone either

godspeed and aro appreciation <2

[actias-android]

So I heard through the grapevine a bit ago that there's been some certain people with an axe to grind for whatever the hell reason I can't fathom considering I haven't talked to them in multiple years going around saying, 'lol Nevi doesn't know shit, he's basically kin-for-fun, he thinks you can just say you have a kintype because you want to be a thing, how stupid is that.' Like, I must be doing something right if I've got hate-followers letting me live rent free in their head, and given who it was (no I'm not sharing) I'm personally flattered that they dislike me so much. It's a good sign.

And if you thought I was going to refute that, no, fuck the law, you really can just be a thing because you want to be the thing, but there's also a lot more nuance in that than certain people are giving me credit for.

It starts with trusting people, and that includes yourself. You have to trust people to know what they want. You have to trust people to know why they want something. You have to trust them to make accurate statements about themselves in good faith, even if they might later conclude that they were wrong or that their situation has changed. (You also, as a corollary, have to trust that a situation can in fact change, and why wouldn't it? Things change. Identities fluctuate. That's just life.)

Obviously this doesn't include trolls, because they aren't making a factual statement, nor are they acting in good faith. But it does include people whose criteria for judgement may not match yours. It also doesn't mean that you cannot ask constructive questions, or offer other ideas.

I sincerely don't think it's possible for someone to really, wholeheartedly want to be nonhuman if they don't have some kind of connection to the type in question to begin with. Wanting to be a thing is a major symptom of being the thing. You don't claim an identity because you don't see yourself in it, you claim it because you do. And if you feel you're nonhuman enough to say that you're nonhuman, and not be completely lying, congratulations! You're nonhuman. It's literally that simple.

This also doesn't mean that it's impossible to realize you're a kind of nonhuman that you aren't excited about. That happens. I legitimately was not very interested in fae and even now I don't feel much kinship at all with other fae. It's whatever to me. But I still see myself in that as an identity and I still want to say that I'm fae. I can say that I am and I feel truthful, or I can say that I'm not and I feel dishonest. That's literally enough right there.

You also don't have to claim labels that you don't want. Nobody has to be otherkin. That's just a word. Nobody has to subscribe to the entire ideology, and make no mistake, it is a heavily prescribed ideology, with a ton of social and cultural norms. You aren't obligated to follow them if you don't feel like it. You can just not do that. On the flip side, because forcing labels onto people is shitty, nobody is otherkin unless they say they are and actively adopt that label, which hilariously enough makes being otherkin entirely, 100% voluntary. Go figure.

But at the end of the day, if you can say, in good faith, that you are this or that or the other thing? You are. That's it. That's the whole bar you have to step over and it's not high. There's no way to conclusively prove or disprove someone else's entirely internal, subjective experience anyway and that's fine. You can just say you are a thing, and you are the thing. Boom. Easy.

Assuming that I'm out here proclaiming that people are allowed to invent falsehoods for shits and giggles kinda says more about the person making the assumption than it does me. Nobody is saying that, but go off I guess. I'm saying that if someone really, sincerely feels it's true, and they want to assume this identity as a result, then yeah, it's true, because that's all any of us are working with anyway. All the 'proof' in the world amounts to a fuckin' hill of beans, in which the beans are various little thoughts we've decided to see patterns in and assemble in a certain way. That isn't different regardless of if you just got here or if you're the grayest of muzzles. Nobody's got shit over each other, here.

(Also maybe if we haven't spoken in years and I'm still coming up in your conversations as some kind of bogeyman who is simultaneously too stupid to live and yet also somehow menacing your identity with my big smart mouth words, you may be sorely in need of a thing called 'a life.' 'Cause that's kinda sad and I guarantee I'm not thinking about you.)

[frankieunscripted]

Process by Sampha (2017)

Welcome to the first (actual) "Music Monday" post on this blog. Today I want to talk to you about Sampha's debut album Process because his voice is probably the most angelic I've ever heard - and I decided that YOU need that in YOUR lives. Since many of you who stumbled upon this blog are familiar with a few things in hiphop, you might recognize his voice from different rappers' songs like Kendrick Lamar's Father Time (I could cry everytime someone puts this on) and the later released I'm Better (which was scrapped off of the album, but is SUCH a bop), Drake's The Motion and 4422 (which of course are only worthy to listen to because of Sampha, because Drake does jack-shit on these tracks - what else is new?) or Kanye West's Saint Pablo. Sampha was also featured (for three whole lines, I'm so mad) on Travis Scott's MY EYES and did not get mentioned in the song's title (same goes for Kanye and Drake) which frankly PISSES ME OFF, because his voice has such a big recognition value, of course I can tell it's Sampha. Just tell me from the start! Speaking of features though, for those of you who are more into Dance/Electronic rather than RnB/Soul, you should listen to SBTRKT (who kinda introduced me to Sampha), as Sampha features on a shit ton of SBTRKT's songs.

Anyway, about the album itself:

Plastic 100°C has to be my favorite off the album - it's such an atmospheric, dreamy intro for this beautiful project-, right along with Reverse Faults, Blood On Me, Under and Kora Sings. His songs are so ethereal and still feel real (wow, that didn't explain anything, did it?). Reverse Faults is literally on my list on full on academic lyrical dissection as if analyzing a poem because of the metaphors used in it:

Mandem's just said "took the shape of a letta an' slipped myself undaneath yo doo"!

(so to any of you poetry-cuties who might not be into this type of music: read the lyrics as is if you want some nice, sleek poetry, thanks)

The most well known song off the album would have to be (No One Knows Me) Like the Piano - a great song to demonstrate his talent on the keys as well as on the vocals, and it's a great example that shows off how personal Sampha's lyrics can be. But as with many artists/albums the most popular songs aren't always "the best" (what even makes a song "the best" of the album and isn't that totally subjective?)

What Shouldn't I Be? closes the album off just as well as Plastic 100°C opened this ethereal portal into a world full of sun rays shining through thick, white-ish grey, but incredibly fluffy clouds, making little rainbows reflect in soapy bubbles of dreams and melodies. It's so soft and delicate, almost as if the song itself is putting you to rest, stroking over your head and assuring you it's still going to be there when you wake up tomorrow. And as your eyes fall shut slowly, Sampha's soft vocals and the warm melody fade out.

With a runtime of about 40 minutes, I'd consider it a light meal - it's more than just a 20 minute snack, but it's not as tough as a full on 1,5 hours dinner. I use the album to ground myself and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a comfort album of mine. I honestly wish Spotify had an option to check how many times exactly you've listened to an album/song over the years, because there've been nights with this album on repeat for hours and I'm still not tired of it.

This is the album I tell people to listen to when they realize they like Sampha's voice in the rap features he's appeared in and don't know where to start. This is the Sampha album I will always come back to. This is the Sampha album I love with all my heart - the album I still have to buy a vinyl of and someday tell my grandkids about when they ask me about good, calming, soft music to reflect to.

[jayjamjary]

light and/or L for 6/9/25?

I'm alive againnnnnn! So I can finally answer this.

Okay so I wrote a lot and don't want to make people scroll a mile at least on mobile to get past this post so answers under the cut lol. I hope you like long winded paragraphs.

Also here's the thing I'm doing this from.

L 6, I've stolen so many of his mannerisms and my posture is worse for it. His moral code (made pretty clear in L Change The World) is one I like as well and reading that book helped me consider a lot of my own moral codes that are still kinda works in progress probably forever. I'm also rather logical with a side of social awkwardness and bluntness like he is. Obviously I'm not as smart as him (I don't know if that would even be possible????) but I know a lot and I'm good at analyzing information (except when it's social information. I can't read faces I can't read tone and I suck at understanding neurotypical people's behavior). I've also taken martial arts lol but just taekwondo not the capoeira-esque thing he does. Oh and I'm snacky. I operate best on too much sugar but also then I sometimes start shaking.

Light 6, Sometimes I have to stop myself from thinking I'm above everyone else. I only get in that mindset occasionally though, like once every few years and then I just have to humble myself by remembering I'm not that cool. I've just always been really good at school stuff, and, especially this year while taking AP Bio, it's hitting me that I'm Really Good At Some Stuff Compared To My Peers. Like top of the class and I do not study and I do almost all of my work last minute and then I draw on the notes in class when the teacher is lecturing. I'll keep thinking I'm going to fail a test or something and then we get it back and I'm the top or near the top of the curve. It's odd. Anyway, aside from academics, when I was younger and first watched death note, like Light, I also didn't understand how his method was bad. Because I was like 14 and hadn't considered morals much at that time. But I've been there so I understand. If I had that kind of power and hadn't had the opportunity to analyze his methods from and outside perspective, I could see myself doing something quite like what he did. Oh also, when I was little (like ages 5-12 maybe), I was a manipulative bitch. I've lost my edge though because. I can't read people and also I'm not terribly good at producing the correct tones myself anymore :p plus I'm smarter now and realizing lying willy nilly all the time isn't the best tactic. Oh, and right now, we almost have the same haircut. My hair's a little shorter on the side but that's it. K even have brown hair too.

L 9, that's a really interesting question to answer. I would think so but only under some conditions. He would have to minimize screen light (like from computers or phones) while I'm trying to sleep. Like cover the screen and his head in a blanket and block out the light from the rest of the room or something. Then uh he would need to share his yummy little sweet treats because they look yummy. If he doesn't want to share he just needs to learn which ones I don't like and get more of those. Which should be easy because I'm very picky (I don't like most chocolate, I don't like most cake, I don't like most pastries, I'm picky with cookies, etc.). I would also appreciate if Watari came along sometimes too. In L Change The World, L takes pretty good care of himself alone, but that was a crisis situation. In a normal situation he may be more inclined to let stuff slide for being able to work longer and I don't want him forgetting to shower or eat or sleep or anything. I could try to take care of him myself but idk if he would listen to me and idk if I would always have energy.

Light 9, Could I be roommates with him? Yes. Would I want to be? No. Well maybe. If we're talking Light with no Kira I think it'd be okay, but if we're talking Light with Kira that's a solid pass. Light with no Kira is a pretty okay guy, and I feel like he would learn to respect me even if he initially looked down on me for my generally alternative style and lack of social skills since I'm pretty smart and stuff. Not only do I think Light with Kira would be judgier but also I don't want to deal with his rehehehe shit. I don't want to live with a roomate who's constantly plotting and scheming and all that.

L 25, ahhh I watched death note for the first time like 4ish years ago so I barely remember. I think I liked him a bit, like I thought he was silly, but I was weirded out by how many shots of his feet rubbing together the anime had.

Light 25, once again, I remind the reader that I was young and dumb when I first watched the show so don't judge me here. I agreed that the world is a trash fire sometimes and I was pretty on board with Light's methods of dealing with that. I thought he was kinda an ass but that was it.

Thank you for asking me the silly questions and sorry for taking so long to get to them lol.

[mybrainismelted]

A.U.gust 2023 - Day 25, Vampire

@gallavichthings

It turns out that despite his promises otherwise, letting your drunk of an uncle/father turn you into a vampire does not actually cure bipolar.  

Sure, it makes the stretches of good days longer, but that means it also makes the bad ones longer too.  And guess what?  Vampires can't absorb mood-regulating drugs by swallowing them.

At the time, it seemed like a good idea - after all, this would let us fulfill our promise to be together forever.  And the first 50 years were amazing.  We were together, we were happy, we were in love.  That's about when we realized that I wasn't actually cured.  And a manic vampire is not a pretty sight.  I'm ashamed now to admit the amount of chaos I caused.  He stayed by me though, tried to keep some of my worst impulses under control.  And it only lasted about 2 years that time.  

Then of course the inevitable downswing.  Depression is a real bitch for a vampire.  Staying in your coffin (yes, it's cliche, but Mickey likes the symbolism of it) for a year is kinda gross.  But still, he stood by my side, forced me to drink some blood he brought home whenever he could, and stayed in our coffin with me every day.  Because he loved me.

But that was a long time ago.  My swings started happening more often, and lasting for longer.  When I was in between them, I could see the frustration and despair building in his eyes.  And this time.... this time by the time the downswing came, he was gone.

I'm not sure how many years I've been lying here now.... not able to move, not able to feed myself... I'm sure I am wasted to nothing, but I can't even get up and step into the sun to end my pain.  I think that maybe this time I will lie here forever.  Alone, unwanted, and unable to move.

                                   ***********************************

It's been so long since I've seen him.  I miss him every single day.  But those last few years of his mania, he didn't seem to notice if I was there or not.  It broke my heart, but I had to leave.  I had to figure out a way to keep living.   I don't know what his mental state is now.  Is he still manic?  Is he depressed and alone?  Maybe he is finally himself again and we can talk.  I dread what I will find, but still my feet carry me forward to the home we have shared for so many years.  Is he even still here?

"Ian?"  I call out, hoping desperately for an answer.  I move slowly through the rooms, noticing that everything is dusty and looks like it hasn't been disturbed for years.  My heart breaking, I head to the lowest level, knowing the chances are slim that I will find him there.

When I see our double-size coffin still in it's place, my heart flutters - alternating between hope and despair.  I moved forward, slowly lifting the lid, and fell to my knees when I saw the horrible sight within.

He is so thin.  Just skin and bones at this point.  Leathery and pale, his glorious red hair fragile and matted. He's not moving, doesn't seem to realize I'm here.  I'm not even sure if he's alive.

"Ian?"  I whisper, reaching out to stroke his hair.  At my touch, his eyes slowly fluttered open.  He looked at me like his eyes wouldn't focus, and then suddenly they snapped to my face, and a low "Mick?"  was mumbled. "I'm here my love.  You should know by now that I will always come back to you." I admitted.  "I'm sorry I was gone so long, I was trying to find you help." I reach in and slowly help him to sit, and pull a bottle of blood from my backpack where it's been kept warm.  "This will help, and when you are stronger I can tell you what I found."  Slowly I help him drink, seeing the slightest bit of colour return to his face.  He is still so weak, but I'm here now, and everything will be ok - I finally have the answer and know how to cure him.  We really can be together forever, and be happy.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA For not telling my girlfriend I wore glasses as an accessory and not because I needed them?

So context for this, I met my (genderqueer 21) gf (tgirl 22) when I was 17 and her 18, and right before highschool, I got my eyes checked because I thought glasses might help me with my double vision. It did not, but they gave me glasses for a very slight blur in my vision that I had. I got them and kept them because I thought, "Hey! I like how I look with these!" So I wore them even though I didn't really need them. During highschool I ended up meeting my current gf through a long distance poly thing that went sour and ended with me and my current gf pulling out and becoming monogamous together.

Now the thing I didn't realize is, since I didn't have any friends during highscool, she was the only person who met me when I wore glasses, so she was under the assumption it was something I always needed.

When the pull out with her and I happened, I was living out of a motel for 4 months and when my family finally got access to our home again, I ended up losing my glasses in the giddy rush of having my own room again. I told my girlfriend about me not having these glasses anymore, and (to my memory) nothing was made much of it.

Now, cue to the current day (rather a few weeks ago), I've moved in with my girlfriend, and we've been living together for about half a year now. We're laying in bed, her drunk and me just sleepy, and she asks me, "How have your eyes been without your glasses?" I thought it was funny to think about my times in glasses, so I basically told her "oh I've been fine! I mostly just wore them for looks and didn't really need them :)"

That seemed to take her aback and after a bit of a pause she starts to say that me wearing glasses without needing them was an act of dishonesty, and ended up drunkenly rambling about my lying about my emotions (I do the whole "I'm fine" when I'm upset a lot because I'm very apprehensive to talk about my feelings) and connected the glasses thing to that. I, sober, told her openly that I didn't realize the glasses thing would be a big deal, and that I was sorry that it upset her. After that she kinda just fell asleep, so I just figured that if it bothered me still, I could talk about it in the morning.

So it did bother me, and I asked her if she remembered "the glasses conversation" from the previous night and she said she didn't. I felt a bit relieved, and I talked about what she said as if it was something we could just laugh off together, but that wasn't the case. She told me about how she always connected me with my glasses, before we met IRL she knew me as wearing glasses, she drew me with them, and how me just saying i didn't need them gave her the impression that it was all a lie, and it made her upset on that part. I was surprised that this was an issue, and told her the same as what I told her last night, and that I would've told her they weren't necessary I'd she ever asked me back then. She just shrugged it off and told me not to worry too much about it, that she still loves me, that sort of thing and we dropped it.

I feel guilty though, but also confused. I can see I might be the asshole, but I'm confused as to why this means so much to her. I can also understand if this is just a her thing, she's dealt with a badly cheating partner before me and I can see if this might just be a nervous thing for her.

TL;DR - I wore glasses when I met my gf while not really needing them that badly, and lost them before I met her IRL and moved in with her. GF feels like me not being clear that glasses were unnecessary was me lying about myself

What are these acronyms?

[lielove]

dairy entry ; hoshino ai's twelfth birthday.

the caretaker read off the names of all the children who had a birthday this week. it was so monotone and boring, i could tell that she didn't care at all... some of the other kids smiled and clapped when they heard their names... or a friends. but nobody did that for me.

but that's fine, i wasn't expecting them to anyway.

there was a small, round chocolate cake this time. the caretaker said to make sure all the birthday kids got a slice but, as usual, the kids just run up and take it. she doesn't do anything to actually make sure that the birthday kids get anything, and the cake is too small.

i didn't get my slice again this year. but that's fine, too. : )

dairy entry ; hoshino ai's thirteenth birthday.

it's my first birthday working under strawberry productions as an idol. there's only four of us in b-komachi right now; watanabe, nino, takamine and myself. nino seemed a bit annoyed at the whole thing, but the other girls were nice.

director ichigo bought a big cake... it said "happy birthday ai" in big letters.

this is the first time i've had a cake just for me.

i split it with the girls, but i was able to take the rest home with me. it was shaped like a strawberry, and tasted like it too.

after we ate cake the girls gave me some presents, watanabe's gift was my favorite. ✰

diary entry ; hoshino ai's fourteenth birthday.

b-komachi had a mini concert today, so i spent my birthday performing with the girls. director ichigo still brought a cake, he sliced it and let us have some after the meet and greet.

so many of my fans brought me gifts and wrote letters... i've never had so many people care about my birthday... care about me. i'm going to take the time to read them all when i have some time off.

these people... they really love me. i'll have to keep lying to them so they'll always see me as their picture perfect star. ♡

maybe a day will come where i can shout "i love you" out into the crowd and mean it, that'd be nice.

diary entry ; hoshino ai's fifteenth birthday.

the people at lala lai are nice.

they were just as... no, maybe they were even more enthusiastic about throwing a party for me than director ichigo was. is this how life at the theater always is ?? i'm still pretty new here but everyone is treating me like i've been there for years already. it'll take some getting used to... but i can just lie my way through it so nobody realizes, eheh.

i had to step away from the party for a bit.

i found a boy standing outside when i did, he was smoking a cigarette and looking up at the sky. i think his name was hikaru ?? i've met so many people since i came here... it's hard to remember everyone... and i've never really been good with names.

he's got a memorable face, though. so i don't think i'll forget him.

i don't even think the rest of the theater group realized that i spent the rest of the party out there with him. ✨

diary entry ; hoshino ai's sixteenth birthday.

i'm staying the night at hikaru-kun's tonight.

spending the entire day with him... feels kinda romantic, aha... ♡

i was able to get a reservation at that nice restaurant, we've got a private place tucked away for ourselves there, no one should bother us at all, and it's all thanks to that director for helping me find restaurants and places where we could keep meeting in secret.

i haven't been able to tell him i love him and mean it, but i do like him a lot... it sounds kinda silly when i write it out like that.

but being his girlfriend, and calling him my boyfriend. it's nice.

i think today is going to be a really fun day.

diary entry ; hoshino ai's seventeenth birthday.

it's my first birthday since the twins were both... now that they're here i don't think i could ask for a better gift. they're so small and cute... just looking at them makes me so, so happy.

miyako and director ichigo stopped by with a small cake and a few necessities, he gave me a small bonus as a birthday gift... he didn't have to, but i think he did it so i could have more to put towards my kids.

i've gotta do even better as an idol so i can keep seeing their cute smiling faces, i want to give them the best life that i can... as their mother... i'm all they have, and i have to give it all i've got.

diary entry ; hoshino ai's eighteenth birthday.

i think miyako tried to help the kids make a birthday card for me, it was the first thing i saw when i woke up this morning. it's a little hard to make out but it's cute... i'm going to put it up on the fridge anyway. i'll have to thank her later for that.

today i have a photoshoot at nine, an interview at noon, and i'm going to be a guest star for a radio station from three to five. that's how most days have been recently, though.

i'll probably ask director ichigo if he can pick up a cake that we can all share once i'm home, the kids probably shouldn't have sugar so late at night but... it's a special occasion so i think it'll be okay, just this once.

diary entry ; hoshino ai's nineteenth birthday.

the filming for that was the start is still ongoing, but i think it might wrap up soon ?? the cast and crew threw a little party for me for my birthday. it was sweet of them. i had fun, but i was really looking forward to getting home... i picked up some board games to play with ruby and aqua the other day... spending some time with my family is all i want for my birthday this year.

i've been so busy that i've spent more time out of the house than in, i know miyako is taking care of the kids but... as their mother, i should still make sure to spend time with them, too.

diary entry ; hoshino ai's twentieth birthday.

b-komachi is going to be performing at the dome today. director ichigo talks so highly of it... i wonder what it'll be like. there'll probably be a lot of people.

he said he was going to get some of the nicest champagne he could find and we'd have a toast once we gets me back home after the show. does alcohol taste good ?? i don't really see the appeal but... i'll still try it. he seems to really like it, at least.

there's front row tickets for ruby, aqua and miyako. as long as i can see my kids in the crowd then i'm sure i'll be shining just as bright -- no, i'll shine even brighter than usual.

[cemetery14]

me comparing akashi to billie songs : )

the time has come for me to rant about why almost all of my akashi playlist is billie eilish, sometimes im bad at wording my thoughts and i just wanna go "yknow that one billie eilish lyric? yeah thats him"

idk why i just really relate music to whatever in into at the moment, like obsessively

a couple are just gonna be vibe based but some will also be very detailed 0_0 im just gonna go in order of my playlist

i dont need to explain myself on this one but,,, he literally had a "nah im gonna be the bad guy" moment

"I had a dream I got everything I wanted Not what you'd think And if I'm being honest"

akashi winning everything and being perfect at everything and realizing that it brings him no joy

"It might've been a nightmare To anyone who might care"

"Nobody even noticed I saw them standing right there Kinda thought they might care"

'kinda thought they might care' this song really makes me think of akashi in teiko and realizing that none of the miracles care about him the way he cares about them, and none of them tried to help him if anything they made it worse

"I tried to scream But my head was underwater They called me weak Like I'm not just somebody's daughter"

"And it feels like yesterday was a year ago But I don't wanna let anybody know 'Cause everybody wants something from me now And I don't wanna let 'em down"

"If I knew it all then would I do it again? Would I do it again? If they knew what they said would go straight to my head What would they say instead?"

i love that last line for him 'would i do it again' 'what would they say instead' if only they knew how fragile akashi was would they have treated him differently? would akashi have wanted them to treat him differently?

"I used to float, now I just fall down I used to know but I'm not sure now What I was made for"

"Looked so alive, turns out I'm not real Just something you paid for What was I made for?"

akashi struggling with his own identify after being used by other his whole life

"I don't know how to feel But I wanna try I don't know how to feel But someday, I might"

"When did it end? All the enjoyment I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend"

akashi going from loving basketball to just seeing it as another thing he needs to win at

"Think I forgot how to be happy Something I'm not, but something I can be Something I wait for Something I'm made for"

this song makes me think of akashi and mayuzumi :>

"I'm getting older, I think I'm aging well I wish someone had told me I'd be doing this by myself There's reasons that I'm thankful, there's a lot I'm grateful for But it's different when a stranger's always waiting at your door Which is ironic 'cause the strangers seem to want me more Than anyone before"

i bet akashi has a hard time making friendships with people his age, or just friendships in general

he deals alot with people older than him, like teachers and im sure his dad already had his talking with business partners and such

"Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing And maybe that's the reason every sentence sounds rehearsed Which is ironic because when I wasn't honest, I was still being ignored (Lying for attention just to get neglection) Now we're estranged"

neglect neglect neglect akashi is a victim of neglect, GIVE HIM ATTENTION OR HES GONNA ACT OUT

"Things I once enjoyed (ah-ah) Just keep me employed now Things I'm longing for Someday, I'll be bored of"

akashis love for basketball being twisted into just another thing hes expected to win

"I'm getting older, I've got more on my shoulders But I'm getting better at admitting when I'm wrong I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor To keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure 'Cause to be honest, I just wish that what I promise Would depend on what I'm given (not on his permission) (Wasn't my decision) to be abused, mmm"

'im happier than ever at least thats my endeavor to keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure'

THIS LINE AAAAAAAAA this is how i would describe akashis character post birthday over, i just think it perfectly encapsulates him and how hes doing

"They're gonna tell you what you wanna hear Then they're gonna disappear Gonna claim you like a souvenir Just to sell you in a year"

akashi being taken advantage of

"I'm overheated, can't be defeated Can't be deleted, can't un-believe it I'm overheated, can't be defeated Can't be deleted, can't be repeated I'm overheated"

kinda vibes based but it makes me think of akashi and how he constantly has to be ON for interviews or just interacting with people he knows since hes extremely popular and how overwhelming it must get

"Did you think I'd show up in a limousine? (No) Had to save my money for security Got a stalker walkin' up and down the street Says he's Satan and he'd like to meet I bought a secret house when I was seventeen (Ha) Haven't had a party since I got the keys Had a pretty boy over, but he couldn't stay On his way out, made him sign an NDA, mm"

"You couldn't save me, but you can't let me go, oh, no I can crave you, but you don't need to know, oh-oh"

"At least I gave him somethin' he can cry about I thought about my future, but I want it now, oh-oh-oh Want it now, mm-mm-mm You can't give me up"

"Did I take it too far? Now I know what you are You hit me so hard I saw stars Think I took it too far When I sold you my heart How'd it get so dark? I saw stars Stars"

vibes based but like, heavy vibes

being rich and popular at such young age like EVERYONE knows akashi, having rapid success at such a younge age must be crazy

i also have I Didnt Change My Number, Therefore I Am, and You Should See Me In A Crown but those are mostly vibes based

i love you should see me in a crown for akashi, pretty boy on a power trip <3