#and probably struggles the most with mental health

[drdemonprince]

I don't think about this a lot but your conversations are: trans and cis dudes made me remember that one of the most violating experiences I've ever had was being sexually harassed by a former therapist who is a fellow trans man. This was before I knew I was autistic and on top of him regularly making inappropriate comments about my body (which at the time I brushed off bc I thought he was just trying to gender affirm / hype me up and failing to see the line miserably) I realize now he was probably autistic himself and didn't understand he was making me extremely uncomfortable. He also didn't know what to do with me as a client bc I was apparently too self aware and also made inappropriate comments about my exgirlfriend at the time calling her a bitch when the situation was incredibly nuanced and she was struggling with her mental health. This dude is the reason I find therapy triggering and have avoided it for almost 7 years despite probably needing the support. All this to say, trans guys can be just as bad as anyone else at perpetrating harm, and some of the most sexist comments I've heard in my life have come directly from trans guys I used to befriend.

Yeppp we are human beings with multiple positional reasons to veer into transmisogyny! and a lot of people go into working as a therapist because of things lacking in their own social-emotional lives or out of a desire for soft power that can play out some gnarly ways i gotta say

[therestingplaceof]

You found 'Moldy Diary #4' under a pile of sand!

Read 'Moldy Diary'?

[ No ]

[ Yes ] ◀◀

" PROPERTY OF: THE JESTER !!! "

press > to flip page

" 27/05/409

aaaaaahhhh I've been in a creative rut lately or something

everything sucks and I hate it here

28/05/409

the creative rut is still going strong. I tried to do my makeup this morning and it sucks!! big time!! am i just ugly or something why does nothing look good

29/05/409

heyheyheyheyheyhey i did it

i look so good!! I'm the best i dont know why i ever doubted myself!!!!! I'm the best at makeup

30/05/409

im the worst at makeup. i hate myself and im ugly and nothing works and AHHhaGHHGHHGHGHGRRHGHR im going to do something ill regret later

01/06/409

uhgghh........ i totally regret what i diddddddd...................... never let me do that again. :((

[7millionheartemojis]

"i can take care of myself" <- girl who absolutely fucking cannot

[grapejuicegay]

A... rather personal defense of Pran

I've seen a lot of people being confused about Pran's behaviour and rather upset by him. But like @waitmyturtles said in their review, "I see Pran dealing with something really complicated." Which, yes. That's what this post is about. I just don't think it's about Singapore.

It's about Pran's OCD. I think there was a consensus last week with the way Pran talked about it that it was a recent diagnosis. And I think this episode just confirmed that for me.

This is where the personal part begins - I was diagnosed with OCD in 2020, in the very first few months of covid. When I told people about it I got about the same response that we had to Pran - it's not surprising but it's good that it's an official diagnosis now.

Such a diagnosis is almost a relief when you get it because suddenly a lot of things start making sense. But it also comes with a very fun challenge - learning to deal with it. Because while you understand why you get so much more anxious and overthink more than most people, you're also suddenly more aware of your thought patterns. You have to be, to find a way to work through them, to not give into the intrusive thoughts. But looking at the intrusive thoughts is one of the best ways to let them take over. You do have to look at them though, because you have to learn to recognise them. Because you cannot deal with them until you do. It's a rough cycle.

I was a few years older than Pran when I was diagnosed, and in a very different place in my life. The pandemic that we didn't know a lot about at that time looming over our heads did not help my anxiety, but the lockdown gave me something really special - time and space to work through it all. I wasn't in college so I didn't have the constant looming threat of deadlines and figuring out my future in that very moment. I also didn't have the very unique set of stressors Pran lives with - friends and family from whom you're hiding a relationship that if revealed could potentially lead to very severe consequences, consequences that in the past have been the worst of his anxieties come to life. Nor a relationship to maintain while being overtly aware at all times that this is not the kind of relationship your partner would really want, that they're only in this because of you.

And there is the sacrifice of it all. There is the thing that keeps coming up again and again - that Pat does so much for him. That Pat helps him all the time, that Pat's sacrificed so much for him, that Pran isn't sure he's good enough or ever will be.

Add to that the regular reminders from Pat that he overthinks. They're meant in a very good way and they do help in the moment, I'm not denying that at all. But it's also a fact that Pran struggles with. It adds to his concern that he's a burden on Pat with the way he thinks, that Pat has to do so much work because of Pran's brain, something Pat had no say over (something Pran had no say over but it's harder to see it like that in the moment).

I've had my diagnosis for the past 3 years now. And it hasn't been until the past year that I've finally started feeling confident in myself and my ability to regulate my anxiety, to finally start feeling like I have control over my brain. Because as much as knowing the diagnosis helps, the work you have to do afterwards is no joke.

So yes, Pran is going through something very heavy, but it's not the prospect of going to Singapore (I don't believe that exists just yet, but it's coming soon). Pran is in the process of figuring out how to make his brain work in his favour instead of actively against him. He's learning to rely on people when he needs to while fighting off constant reminders that he's a burden.

And we've seen Pran make a lot of progress. Any points at which he talks about being anxious are progress. Any time he lets himself be upset is progress. Any time time he says any of his worries out loud (even if he can't say them directly to Pat yet), he has fought his way through who knows how many intrusive thoughts to get to that point. And in the same regard - he probably feels guilty about having Pat say "I can't live without you" first. Because he's likely just as aware that Pat has done so much for him that this is just another thing he's adding on top of that.

But - and I think this is very big - he knows that he needs Pat to say it first, to give him permission to feel this, that this isn't too much for him to ask for. This is him asking for help to express himself when he feels like too much. It helps them both in the long run. And I do think it's a very important step to get what we saw in ep 12 - a Pran that demands love, that demands to be babied. This is him giving himself permission through the hardest part of learning his diagnosis.

I love that we get this between ep 11 and 12 because with this ep 12 also becomes a hug, a way of telling us things may be rough for him but he gets through it. He'll get where he needs to be, wants to be. Just give him some time. Because just like with the parents, sometimes time is just what you need.

[soft-puppy-boyfriend]

At the anger stage of realising I have childhood trauma

[dandyshucks]

i get slightly annoyed when people make community posts that tell ppl to stop doing xyz and use the phrases "they're a FICTIONAL character, theyre NOT REAL" to justify whatever theyre saying because:

1) everyone knows that already, we're all aware these are blorbos from our media;

2) if someone is genuinely struggling to grasp that because of a delusion or similar, a forceful reality check is only going to cause harm rather than help;

3) it just feels so needlessly patronizing;

4) most of the time whatever I see people complaining about is either smth that I never see anyone doing or if it is smth somebody is doing then the block button is a very quick and effective fix for the issue (or even a quick convo w the person in DMs can resolve issues!)

(granted I keep my following circle very small and probably miss a lot but if i can do that then perhaps... perhaps other people can do it too fhfkdl like just prune back whatever u dont like seeing! unfollow or block as needed!)

[13eyond13]

honestly number one tip for everything like blogging or making friends or whatever is just make other people feel genuinely valued and seen

[robocops-a-christ-allegory]

Somebodys gonna have to tell professors you cant actually be like pro mental health for students and then dock peoples grades for not showing up to class.

[mental-skillness]

"This is gonna be my last pack for sure. I'm gonna taper myself off," i say, three days before i get someone to buy me a second pack

[eternally-tired-cryptid]

I feel like every time I look at someone and go "is x normal" they look at me like I've grown a third head bc no it's not

I rlly need to stop functioning under the assumption that anything abt me is normal

[mikurulucky]

Well after watching Don Hertzfeldt's World of Tomorrow film again (the first one rather), and being that I'm STILL not technically done with my Johan et Pirlouit hyperfixation, I came up with a rather interesting and angsty au/futureverse setting for Johan. Well, not futureverse in the classic sense, but more of a sci-fi futureverse/au/idk what.

The setting is over 1000 years ahead of our current time period. Time travel might not be a thing, but human cloning technology has become close to a perfected practical science. And knowledge about neurology, memories, and dreams have dramatically improved to the point where humans have figured out how to extract memories and dreams from neurons. And eventually, extract memories from even long dead neurons.

A scientist in Belgian Wallonia managed to find a way to clone an ancient person found in an archeological dig under a local man's farm and found a way to transfer his original memories into the clone, medieval language knowledge and all. No small feat, almost miraculous considering how delicate the brain is as an organ. But once he's all grown and able to interact with others on his own, she goes all lab rat on his ass and her assistant's like "Man, just because we cloned a human from the past doesn't mean you get to treat him like this! He's a person, not some museum exhibit!"

And then she rescues clone!Johan from the situation, and now he goes from homesick for his original time and home, coping with the people he loved being long gone, to eventually accepting his extended lifespan and just wanting to be treated like a human being. The assistant later realizes Johan is her many times great grandfather, his title of chevalier being the same as her surname after looking at her geneology. Through her experience in linguistics and being a college language professor, he manages to teach him modern French, and after many years, when his time draws to a close, he asks her not to clone him anymore and to let him rest after living his second life.

He even shares some stories about his past life. Him dealing with Peewit's singing, his brief romance with a princess, some details the assistant didn't even find in any medieval manuscript that detailed his escapades.

"This has been an interesting life. Much different from my last. VERY much different. So much has changed in 2000 years, it's hard to believe it's been that long since I last left this earth. Thank you for everything."

Basically, a tragic yet bittersweet story about how a past human with his memories still intact reacts to being in a foreign time and place. About feeling drastically out of place and frightened, and then making new memories with new people and new things. Coming to terms with the fact he might never return to his old time and loved ones again, and becoming comfortable with making new relationships. About the horrors a clone of this sort would've gone through if it was possible.

Lotta emphasis on memory here.

[no-144444]

family issues-l.norris (no.4)

---------------

---------------

pairing: lando norris (no.4) x fem! sky presenter! reader

summary: lando (and his mum) are there for you during a difficult time.

---------------

P1. Pole position. Incredible. 

“Well done,” you smiled, hugging him close as he entered his driver’s room. “You did really well.”

You could feel his smile against your neck. “Thanks baby.”

You stayed there like that for a moment, just holding each other, then he pulled back with a big smile on his face. “OH! My mum is here, you can finally meet her!”

A part of your heart sank, and another part lifted. You’d met a good portion of his family and they were all lovely. It’s just that every time you met a part of his family, he wanted to meet a part of your family. You’d been dating for a year now, and up until 2 months ago, yeah, he could’ve met your family. But then… they decided to go no-contact with you. They just told you not to call or visit anymore. You weren’t their daughter anymore. Whatever, that was fine. Your parents were emotionally unavailable due to your sister’s mental health issues, and your sister didn’t treat you well at all. You were the glass child. 2 months ago you’d gone to dinner with them and your sister brought up all your ‘happy memories’, but all of them were moments without you, or moments where you were the joke. You’d gotten upset at them, and apparently that was all they needed to kick you out of the family. So much for love. So much for blood. Lando couldn’t make it to that dinner, and he was so upset that he couldn’t. He was worried your parents thought he wasn’t serious, or that he was dodging meeting them, but you told him not to worry, that they’d meet ‘another time’. Now, you were out of chances. You didn't tell Lando about the fight or everything that came after, he’d been struggling enough with his own mental health without you having to burden him with yours. So, you just swallowed it and told yourself you’d tell him over the summer shutdown. Then, Lando was having so much fun that you didn’t want to ruin it, so you decided you’d tell him after Singapore. Probably. Maybe. 

“Awesome!” you smiled. Even you could tell you didn’t sound right, too pitchy, too awkward, too surprised. 

He raised an eyebrow. “You alright?”

“Fine,” you nodded. “Where is she? I want to meet her.” 

He nodded, still sceptical but obliged you and led you to his mother. Cisca was warm and welcoming, funny and kind, and just a good person. You saw so much of her in Lando. He was beaming as he watched you two interact, so happy that two of the most important people in his life got along. You spent the whole afternoon together as Lando went on with his duties, chatting about your lives, sharing stories about Lando and yourselves, you even got to see some embarrassing baby photos of Lando.

“So what about your parents? Do they ever come to the races?” She asked, a big smile on her face. 

“Well, no actually. We don’t talk much,” you chuckled. 

She raised an eyebrow, the same way Lando does. “Really? Lan told me that you were quite close with them?”

You sighed. “Can I tell you something? And you can’t tell Lan.”

She nodded and took your hand. “Of course.”

“2 months ago my parents disowned me. Lan has been begging to meet them and I have no idea what to tell him. I feel awful about it, and I didn’t want to add to his stress so I just keep lying to him telling him they’re busy. I just feel so… guilty,” you admitted. 

She sighed. “You poor girl. It's awful that you have to go through all of that on your own.” 

“Well, it’s not that bad,” you chuckled, trying to lighten the moment.

“It is. And that’s ok. It’s ok to be upset,” she smiled warmly. “I know my son, and he has not shut up about you since he met you as a sky presenter 2 years ago. Lan is a family-oriented person, and he’s just excited to be a part of your family and have you be a part of ours. He’d want to be there for you, the same way you’re there for him.”

You could feel yourself tearing up. You’d never had someone be so kind to you, never had someone treat you like a daughter. “Thank you,” you smiled sadly. 

“And anyways, your parents suck, you can be my daughter now,” she smiled.

And you definitely cried. But, they were happy tears. You’d found your family. 

---------------

After your eye-opening conversation with Cisca, you decided you’d come clean to Lando. As you two entered your room he wrapped his arms around you and kissed your cheek. 

“How was my mum today?” he asked, his voice deep with tiredness, and eyes heavy with sleep. 

“She was amazing, we had a bunch of fun,” you smiled. “Can I talk to you about something?”

He nodded. “‘Course baby.”

“It’s about my family.” 

Lando woke up slightly, sitting on the bed as you stood between his legs. “Alright.”

“2 months ago, after that dinner I went to, they cut contact and disowned me. It was up to my sister why and well, we know how much he hates me. So yeah, I have no family anymore, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just didn’t want to burden you with it.”

You looked at Lando and his face was a mixture of anger, guilt, and upset. He cleared his throat and his grip around your waist got tighter. “Number one, I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s fucking shit and your parents don’t deserve you. Number two, you will never ever be a burden to me. Ever. You’re the most important person in my life. I love you Y/n, more than anything. I always want you to come to me about things that are happening and how you feel. Number three, fuck your family, you’re my family, alright?” 

You chuckled sadly, running your fingers through his hair. “Right. Thanks Lan, I love you.”

He smiled. “I love you more.”

“I feel it,” you smiled. He stood up and kissed your cheek. 

“Seriously, I’m here for you, always. Never forget that.”

You pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I know. I won’t.”

---------------

navigation for my blog :) (masterlist)

[merigoldaround]

I'm finally going to get my album, probably early next week (this time it didn't take two months). It's funny how such a little thing can cheer you up a little, I really needed this today.

[ooc-miqojak]

Have you ever wanted to stop existing?

Super Angsty RP Questions!

"Oh, right for the metaphorical throat, hm?" There's a bob of her horned head from side to side, and a small shrug, "I was about to say no, but... really, the whole 'lost my soul to a demon' thing happened because I kind of did just... give up. I was haunted - frankly, I'm still pretty haunted by the shit I've been through - and I couldn't handle it. A friend - and former lover's - warlock of a mother had me captured, and tortured by her Sayaad, to get back at her son. No one ever even... checked on me, after that; never stopped to ponder how a paladin suffering mental trauma already, now tortured by one of the Legion's most effective torturers, might be affected mentally." That seeming ever-present mischievous grin evaporates almost without notice - a certain grim determination set in the soft moue of her lips, and a distant look in that fel-gaze, before she's back in the moment, and a wry twist of lips is quick to banish the ill humor as if it never was. Boots kick up on the table, and there's a soft puff of breath in a sigh, "And then they blamed me when I ended up in the clutches of another demon - one that had been preying on me while I was drug-addled and traumatized. There was no peace, even in private... and since drugs were basically the only thing that chased the myriad hellish memories out, that didn't help me much, either. The men I cared for left me for other women, on top of feeling a bit trapped in my own mind, so... yeah. I did, once, feel that way. Then I went through torture so heinous that my entire soul was warped, and who knows if I'll ever get to stop existing, now." Here, there's a laugh that's... still airy - if a bit manic - and a run of a long-fingered hand over delicate features, a sigh falling from her lips no sooner than her hand does, as well - the woman herself leaning in, as if conspiratorially, "The real lesson here? Fuck it. Fuck all of it." Both hands come up, palms up, "Laugh, fuck, drink, smoke... do as you please. Bad things happen no matter what - so what's the point? Why not? Chaos is the natural order of things, and at rock bottom, I decided to stop fighting that."

[flagellant]

Hello, tumblr! I mentioned this in my stream last night with my friend and collaborator @lakemojave, but here is the official tumblr announcement: I've started a fundraiser to pay for GAS that I can't afford on my own.

I...try my best to appear pretty unflappable on this site, because my online persona relies on that. But about two years ago I was harassed by TE/RFs and no matter how much I tried to forget or get over it, there was a comment that a 17 year old made towards my appearance the has probably been the most devastating thing I've ever felt, and ever since that insult I've grown steadily and steadily more disgusted and anxious about my appearance--specifically my hair.

As an AMAB trans person, I'm of course going to experience male-pattern baldness. Even in cisgender men, more than 75% of them experience some form of heightened anxiety and dysphoria due to hair loss or fear of it. I don't know how those numbers change when talking about trans people, but I can't imagine it's not even higher.

In the interest of full transparency at the cost of, frankly, my pride: I have reached the point in my dysphoria where I am growing to be borderline suicidal. I've struggled with suicidal ideation since I was a young teenager, but this is the first time in over a decade that I've reached a level where I am terrified what will happen when it gets worse.

And so with all that said, I've started a fundraiser on PayPal to try and raise money for my gender-affirming care. Y'all might remember me from the Great Soy Sauce Conspiracy of late December of last year, and maybe also how I stopped working on the project due to mental health reasons. I remember how kind all of you were when I was struggling with living newly on my own trying to afford food and things like convection plates, and it's my hope that I could rely on you all to help me again.

With that said, I've made the decision that if I am able to fulfill this fundraiser's cost...I'm going to pick back up The Mysterious Appearance of Miss Appleton and finally finish it once and for all...in video essay format, because that feels most appropriate to me. I think I'm going to be ready for it this time.

If you've read this far, thank you so much. If you need it, though:

TLDR: I need to get myself gender-affirming surgery because i'm getting real close to suicidal over my dysphoria. I've made a fundraiser for it. If the fundraiser is successful, I'm going to finally finish the video essay for The Mysterious Appearance Of Miss Appleton. Thank you for your time and your help.

[kerink]

the thing that's been most surprising to me with mouthwashing so far is how little empathy people are willing to extend to curly. and i don't mean this in a piss on the poor way, i'm deeply saddened and genuinely confused by it.

when i first played the game i was at one of the lowest points i've been at in a really long time. my mental health is bad my physical health is bad. i experienced SA a year ago and was recently diagnosed with cancer. i have 2-5 doctors appointments every week with various specialists.

all the while me and two of my doctors are talking about if i need to make a career change that's going to best support my poor health and improve my overall well being. and my family and friends struggle to understand, because i have a doctorate and a good job and live on my own. everyone looks at my life in awe, and they don't understand why i'm unhappy. they tell me so every time i try to explain it.

so when i played i immediately identified with curly. here is a man who's deeply depressed, having hallucinations, trying to reach out to his best friend for support but just has his words thrown back in his face, doesn't want to burden anya with his stuff because she has her own stuff and he wants her to lean on him, he has all these responsibilities and people look up to him and rely on him and have these ideas about him. the highest wrung of their ladder is the lowest of his, and they have no way of conceptualizing why or how he's unhappy and dissatisfied. before the reveal that he's innocent, i completely understood why he attempted suicide.

and then he develops a new disability.

when jimmy goes to crash the ship, he uses curly's unhappiness to try to convince him a murder-suicide is a good idea, and it works. it buys jimmy enough time to get to the cockpit and crash the ship. curly's too in his own head to realize what jimmy meant because jimmy distracted him with how bad his life is. it isn't until the sirens start that curly snaps out of it and it clicks for him what jimmy's done.

i'm not going to re-litigate the issue about if curly could have done more for anya because i've said pretty much all i have to say on it already.

but we really need to highlight that in addition to his lack of tangible choices, he's sleep deprived, deeply depressed, and hallucinating. this is not a man in his right mind making his best choices.

and over and over again i see people refusing to extend him any empathy, to call him a bystander. does a man who says he'll do anything to help and who wanted to be there when anya broke the news and who does his best to play liaison between anya and jimmy sound like a bystander? he let anya keep the gun case! he knew having it would help her feel better!

how good of a friend have you been when you were in your pit of despair? how much were you able to pour into others when your glass was empty?

anya wanted her and curly's support to be reciprocal. if she has enough psych training to do the evals, and having been thru nursing school, she's probably well aware that she and curly need to both be pouring into each other if either of them are going to be any good to anyone. but curly is so determined to defend and protect anya he won't confide in her, despite the fact it's running him so thin that he almost takes jimmy's bait that suicide is a good idea.

i don't think we need to absolve curly of his responsibility. i don't think we should over look his role as an enabler. i don't think we should discredit or discount analyses of his failures. but i'm so tired of people actively avoiding getting in his shoes, getting in his head, reflecting on how they've acted in the past when thinking and feeling similar ways. our worst moments don't make us monsters.

it makes me so sad. and frankly it makes me feel like all the times my family hasn't understood when i've tried to reach out. curly is screaming in agony and just like jimmy we're just trying to keep him quiet because it's too complicated to deal with.