#and people want to know why i kept my silence for seven months

[icaruspendragon]

If you are serious about the tgc rb, I hope to see start a change of tune on Twitter. You are one of the largest influences on the spn fandom. It is very clear to many of us that you weren’t ready for apologies. Your words are the right ones for the moment, but it’s very plain that your true desire is vengeance. It’s not as if anyone can say anything, and it’s true you have a right to be bitter and reject apologies, but you’re also ringleading this, you’re setting the tone, and where it’s headed is scary. Whether your intention or not, you’re replacing the cult. Good luck.

all i did was tell the truth. all i did was end the silence i was scared into for seven months. all i did was share how i was bullied and abused by people i thought we’re my friends. all i did was say i thought everyone was capable of change. all i did was finally, finally stand up for myself. all i did was support the more than DOZEN other victims who finally felt like they too could share their stories.

all i’ve done all week long is share what i’ve been through. is own up to the shitty things i did while being abused. is talk to the people who hurt me. is forgive a lot of the people who hurt me.

what a vile and absolutely insidious thing it is to suggest that i’m replacing the person that abused me.

do not mistake my kindness for meekness.

if this is something you truly believe, if it’s something you’re truly worried about, come off anon and let’s talk about it.

because contrary to whatever picture has been painted of me, i’m not out for vengeance or ruin or revenge.

i’m out for justice. i’m out for truth. i’m out for accountability.

i’m out for peace, finally, for me and so many others.

[reallyromealone]

Title: god what have we done

Chapter: prologue

Fandom: Encanto

Characters: Encanto cast, unnamed characters

Fic type: angst to romance

Pairings: Bruno x reader

Warnings: male reader, reader insert, omegaverse, darker Bruno, homie is 7 feet tall, Bruno is jaded, kind of an ass, reader just wants to smooch him

Notes:

Summary: Bruno can't shake an Omega who has declared them to be the perfect match

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Bruno raised an eyebrow at the Omega infront of him "you're not here for a reading?" He asked with disbelief dripping from his voice, taking a drag from his cigarette mid sentence with barely a fuck to give the Omega who had a look of determination.

"Don't you want to see the love of your life or some shit?"

"I don't want to know my future"

"Everyone wants to know their future"

"Not me" (name) shrugged and the Alpha scoffed "bullshit, you will eventually and some way it will be my fault"

(Name) Wanted to be annoyed at the alphas attitude but he knew better seeing as people come to see their future and throw tantrums when they don't get what they want, could you blame him? "I came to bring you this" in his hands was a jar... Of ajiaco?

What game was this?

What was the Omega playing at?

Then it clicked...

Well time to nip this at the bud.

Bruno sighed and stood, a towering seven feet tall and having to lean down to look at the other "and why would a little Omega like you want to come all this way to bring me this?" (Name) Was unwavering at the glowing green eyes and slight stubble on the Alphas face "I wish to court you"

Well wasn't he forward?

An Omega asking an alpha out like this, unheard of in this backwater town-- his mom would have had an aneurysm at the concept of an Omega breaking courting traditions but she lost her mind at basically anything so Bruno didn't care much about her thoughts and opinions.

But (name) of all people asking him out like this?

Bruno knew who (name) was, a male Omega was rare, (name) being the only one in town and had countless suitors chasing after him and yet this little thing wanted to court him?

Was he trying to piss his parents off?

He almost chucked at the other but he wasn't going to entertain his delusions.

He was no fool, especially to pretty omegas like (name).

And so the words came easy off his tongue.

"No" Brunos voice cold and clear, taking another drag of his cigarette while standing back up and looking down at him as he was nothing but instead of a teary eyed Omega, he saw determination "I was expecting you to say that, I'll be back tomorrow! Save space for lunch!" And with that the omega wandered off, the Alpha scoffing before putting out his cigarette with a glare.

He felt this omega was going to be a headache.

And (name) was apparently a man of his word.

Everyday like clockwork he harassed the Alpha with delicious treats and meals, annoying him with conversation and frivolous nonsense.

"So what do you do for fun?"

"Smoke"

"I like to read and recently I have taken the hobby paper folding... I found a book about it in the shop"

"I don't care"

"You do anything today?"

"No"

"I just helped with my parents shop, my papa is planning on opening a cafe so people can read and have a nice drink and snack" Bruno didn't know why he let the other go on and on but he did, going through half a pack of cigarettes before (name) was gone for the day, always leaving food and a recent development; a paper creation that be left for him.

There was a collection building in Bruno's den.

He didn't know why he kept them but he did.

These days turned into months and before he knew it.

(Name) Was worming his way into the others life like a parasite.

It was late, (name) and Bruno sat in comfortable silence and the Alpha hadn't realized so much time passed when (name) slumped against his shoulder, sleeping contently and causing the Alpha to freeze unsure what to do.

But his alpha instincts had other plans, gently putting his head on his lap while petting his nape.

God what was he getting into...

Maybe he should see his own future...

Rip the bandaid off...

But Bruno didn't want this... Whatever it was to end, deep down be knew he was beginning to care for the Omega and begrudgingly...

He knew he wanted them to stay.

But he knew better...

He knew that (name) would come to his senses.

It was just a matter of time.

(Name) Stared up secretly while Bruno was lost in thought, not quite asleep yet but he just wanted to admire the other before he succumbed.

The Alpha was so pretty... Slightly scruffy with his curly hair up in a bun with a bit of his bangs framing his face, always wearing that green poncho that (name) had learned was quite soft... And those eyes.

Oh how he could stare at those eyes for hours.

(Name) Closed his eyes once more and cuddled into him....

He wouldn't miss this chance to be close.

And that night was the best sleep (name) and Bruno ever had.

Bruno sighed as he lit a cigarette in an alleyway while everyone celebrates Juiletas wedding, the whole village in attendance as people danced and sang. "I don't think I could convince you to a dance, could I?" (Name) Asked with a slight teasing in his voice and the Alpha glanced at him bored "when the mountains move, I'll dance with you" the Alpha blew smoke in (name)s face, the other coughing slightly with a glare "so why are you hiding from your sisters wedding" (name) leaned against the wall beside him, the Alpha towering comparatively "I have no interest in this shit"

(Name) Hummed and pulled out something wrapped in a cloth from his jacket pocket and unwrapped an Empanada and took a bite before offering some to the Alpha, standing on his toes to get it to the others lips, Bruno raising an eyebrow at this "what are you doing?" His voice bland and slightly confused "I haven't seen you eat yet!" (Name) Huffed and the Alpha rolled his eyes before taking a bite, the food was fucking delicious but he was not about to admit that. "So...?" (Name) Asked hopefully and Bruno leaned down close, lips barely brushing before speaking "I had better" a bold faced lie that Bruno would never admit, seeing the others pout made him chuckle. "So why are you in an alley way with me hm? It's not proper for an Omega to be with an alpha while unmarked"

"It's rather dangerous, Omega" Bruno continued when the other looked confused "left alone with an alpha, anything could happen" it was an attempt to scare the other off but (name) just stared at him with blown out pupils, completely calm "you won't hurt me" (name) said simply and cupped the others face when it got close enough "oh? And how could you be so sure?" Bruno huffed amused, subconsciously leaning into the others touch "because you had countless times where you could have taken advantage of me but you havent"

"Many alphas would have taken any second to take advantage of that but you turned me away at every courting attempt, you don't care about my secondary gender... It's one of the reasons I fell for you" (name) admitted before kissing Bruno's cheek "and I'm in this alleyway with you because you're the only one at this party I want to be beside"

Bruno released the other from his hold, a look of uncertainty in his eyes towards the Omega who looked at him like he hung the moon.

"(Name)? There you are~" a slightly slurred voice called from the alleyway entrance, (name) visibly freezing at the sight of his most persistent suitor while Bruno could smell the faint scent of annoyance from the Omega "oh? And you're with the town's monster? How... Unique" Bruno glared at the other with a venom (name) didn't think was possible. "So Bruno, how is life? Cause more people misfortune? See someone having a miscarriage? Curse an old woman with the death of her husband?" These were things that Bruno had seen prior, things that made the village view him even worse, blaming him for the death of an old man and a baby who didn't have a chance to take their first breath.

"(Name), sweety" the suitor said getting closer and (name) could smell the alcohol on his breath "it would be in your best interest to get away from the likes of him, nothing but tragedy follows Bruno Madrigal" reaching towards (name) to get him away from Bruno but a large hand slapped it away.

Bruno looked murderous "I suggest you go back from which you came, wouldn't want to find out you lose your hair in the future, no?"

The suitors face morphed into one of anxiety and anger but turned away none the less and the two were left alone.

"You can't even do that, can you?" Turning around (name) looked around for the alpha but Bruno was no longer standing there, just (name) and the lingering scent of Bruno.

like that, Bruno was gone.

And (name) was by himself.

(Name) Tried to visit the Alpha the following morning, the Madrigal family watching with saddened expressions when (name) was rejected each and every time "he takes time to open up, give him Patience" Peppa said softly, worried clouds forming over her head while (name) smiled sadly "I know I can be quite forward with the things that my heart desires... I just... When I look at him it's like the world rights itself..." His voice wistful and so loving, it hurt that Bruno kept pushing him away... He knew he should accept that the Alpha didn't want him but he just couldn't step back...

It felt like fate to be with him.

So (name) came by every day and sat infront of the door, chatting to the Alpha about his families book store and even reading from the book he brought and when he had to leave, there was always a basket of treats for the Alpha.... But it seemed the only ones who enjoyed them were the rats.

"At least you enjoy them" (name) whispered to a rat that crawled from the basket, carefully lifting it into his hold "do you know what he's doing up there? If so could you give him this note?" The Omega carefully tied a note to the rat, surprised when the rat seemed to understand what he was conveying before running off.

Bruno's space was destroyed, the Alpha sweating and scratching at himself. He got too close! He got to close to (name), he could have hurt him!

After visit three, Bruno read his future with (name) and...

He saw (name) crying.

Alone and crying, holding a pup... Their pup.

And on his finger was a string...

He knew (name) was his soulmate...

He knew it but he didn't want to hurt (name) the way he would if he pursued the relationship.

But could he change fate? The future was set in stone was it not?

"He came by again...?" He could hear the omegas voice faintly travel through the vast room, his voice calming to his ears but painful for his heart.

This was for the best.

It had to be.

[dumbbitchenergy17]

Where the Wild Things Are - Chapter 8

Chapter Seven: Because of You

Plot: Wild men or monstrous infected creatures, the world is wild and ravaged by Cordecyps but some are raised in it and flourish becoming a wild thing.

Word Count: 5.4K

Pairing: Joel Miller x Platonic!Teen!Reader, Ellie Williams x Platonic!Reader

Warnings: canon-typical fighting/violence, injuries, harsh language, joel actually cares :0, just fucking sad shit tw: trauma from abusive mother, description of child abuse

—————

I cannot cry because I know that's weakness in your eyes. I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh every day of my life. My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with.

Joel and Tommy returned soon after you passed on the question. They expected some resistance or some smart comment but you accepted the meal with a noise of thanks and eyed the medicine Joel provided but took it regardless.

Ellie was quickly berated by both Miller brothers to understand what the sudden calm behavior came from and clearly, the young girl had something to do with it. “I just talked to her?” That was her response and it was the truth. A single conversation with the young girl that didn’t involve scolding or harassment about being seen as ‘normal’ in Jackson was what occurred. Ellie worked at your pace not pushing you to reveal everything and treated you like a human being, not some wild animal that the people of Jackson think you are.

Whatever you took knocked you out leaving you sleeping throughout the rest of the day only to awaken nearing sunset with a healthy meal Ellie had gotten from the mess hall by Joel’s orders but she did sneak some desserts in for you to eat. The environment and relationship that was changing from your near-death experience started to become more noticeable. You still kept to yourself, your bedroom and the stables your sanctuary from all that was outside, you hardly talked to Joel this instinct that keeps you at a distance from the man, Tommy it was more of him talking to you but you would add your two cents in and were so rigid when he would appear at the stables at random times to check in on you or to bring you something to eat.

The only person you would really ‘close’ to was Ellie. You started eating some meals with Ellie just the two of you and she would fill the silence by talking about whatever was on her mind with you speaking at times, she would hang around the stables and help with the horses when she wasn’t at school or hanging with Dina and Jesse. She took you to some places she would go with her friends and there was one interaction where you met Dina and Jesse that didn’t involve you beating someone up or trying to kill them when you first met them. It was awkward with you standing slightly behind Ellie just staring at the two teens as they tried making conversation with you either responding with grunts and nods or not even saying anything. But when Ellie would speak to you a few short sentences would come out but directed to her.

Despite being close to the younger girl and interacting with her friends you kept that boundary with the Millers and yourself. No matter how many times Tommy would invite you over for a ‘family’ dinner you refused.

“I’m not in your family.” And that’s how it would end, no amount of begging or offering of your favorite meals would convince you. Why would you have dinner with people who claimed it was for a family when you had no relation to them?

The cold was only getting more colder entering the final month of the year before spring would soon come. Making sure all the horses had extra hay for this chill in the air especially the two colts that are Dakota’s. Once they were situated you went out to do some last-minute things only to be interrupted by the appearance of Ellie petting one of the horses Shimmer.

“What are you doing here?” Your tone may have sounded cold and threatening to others but the young girl knew otherwise.

“Just wanted to see if you’re done here. I need help moving something from Tommy’s to the house.” She says rocking on her feet it looks like she just got out of school her pack still strapped to her back.

“Why can’t you get Dina or Jesse?” You question grabbing feed from some of the older horses petting Red in passing, “Because the two of them have this dinner date thing—blegh.” She says rolling her eyes and making a gagging noise.

“I thought they broke up?” You were very confused by the two’s on-and-off relationship, “Yeah they are doing this date to see if they want to get back together. Come on let’s go I need your help and everyone else is busy.”

Adding the remaining food in the large trough outside all of the older horses' section you move back inside grabbing your coat and throwing it on. “Fine.” Ellie pumps a fist up in the air with glee as you take your time signing out in the log and writing some notes on items needed. Ellie rocks on the heels of her feet,

“Come on let’s goooo.” She groans and you follow the girl out of the stables trying to take the quickest route to Rancher Street. Normally you would take backstreets walking through the few wooded areas only to walk through the main streets when completely abandoned. The awkwardness from the lingering stares from people as you follow the younger girl like a shadow keeping close by but distant enough that people seemed to move away when the two of you came near. It didn’t bother you, you weren’t looking for companionship or kindness from these people you didn’t know them and they didn’t need to know you.

The family street appears as the two of you pass by the house you reside in towards the other house containing the younger Miller brother and his wife and child. Ellie bounds up the porch steps letting herself in holding the door open for you to follow. You hear the door close behind you and the sound of voices further into the house but you can’t make it out.

“Tommy we’re here!” Ellie calls out and Tommy responds with an ‘Over here!’ and the two of you enter more into the house. You should have noticed something was off with Ellie’s almost nervous but excited energy. When the two of you turned the corner and saw the dining room you stopped in your tracks. The table was set for dinner food was already prepared Tommy held his son on his hip bouncing the slightly fussy baby, Joel sat on one side of the table already nursing a glass of whiskey, while Maria entered with what you assume was the final piece of the dinner.

“Great you guys are here come sit food is still hot.” Tommy gestures as he places his son into the chair designed for the baby before taking his seat at the head of the table. Maria moves to sit beside her child the baby separating the couple. Ellie already throws off her pack and coat taking a seat beside Tommy leaving an empty seat between Ellie and Joel. You still haven’t moved staring at the display.

“Come on kid, food’s gonna get cold,” Tommy calls out to you and your eyes slowly move from the table to the man. He carries an almost hopeful smile on his face as the others stare at you waiting for you to join in their family meal.

“What the fuck is this.” Void of emotion and sharp edge to your words. You were cornered the air was thin and a pit in your stomach made your insides churn.

“Hey, language,” Joel calls out in a warning tone, especially before the young child. Your gaze snaps away from Joel to Ellie who looks anxious about the growing tension, “You said we were just picking something up from here.” Your throat felt tight and a tingling sensation fills your fingers flexing them trying to gain feeling.

A sheepish look covers the young girl, “You wouldn’t have said yes if I asked. You never said yes before. So I thought this would be the best way to get you to come…” Her plan which everyone else seemed to be involved in had backfired horribly.

“I’m not hungry.” Your response is short already rejecting all of this: this idea, the meal, the people, everything. You didn’t want this. “You haven’t eaten since lunch and that was hours ago.” Tommy brings up having been the one to bring lunch for you just a simple sandwich not filling enough to miss dinner.

“I’m not eating that.” You shake your head sending a glare to the meal before you. Though the smell and appearance of it once made your mouth water and crave it you only felt ill looking at it.

“We can get you something I’m sure we can mix something up real quick. It would be good to all sit together and talk about how our day has been anything just a nice family dinner.” Tommy tries to convince you but it was that one word that made you want to hurl.

“I’m not part of your fucking family.” You hiss taking a step back, “I don’t want this or you or anyone.” You wanted to bolt you wanted to be back in that cabin maybe you should have pressured them more to put you out of your misery back then or maybe not fought as hard against those raiders.

“Why can’t you just accept our help or the fact we care about you?! Sure the world is fucked up but you don’t need to hate the small amount of good that is left,” Ellie stands taking a step towards and a frustrated look crosses her face. “If some shit happened to you just talk to us but don’t fucking act like your the only one suffering. You don’t want a chance to be a part of a family that cares for you again be my fucking guest.” It was like a punch in your gut and if there was any food in your system it would have left your stomach. Your gaze snaps to the three adults each of them with ranges of pity.

Fucking pity.

They saw you as someone weak.

Some broken little thing that needed fixing.

Your gaze pauses briefly with Maria’s, the understanding of how hard those words affected you. She knew the truth she knew why you were cold-hearted your life focused on yourself and everyone else was your enemy. The look of a mother who wished to comfort a child. Why hadn’t you ever received that look? What made you so different that she could never give you that look? It made you fucking sick.

A metallic taste floods your mouth from how hard you are biting your cheek. The weight on your chest felt unbearable just having them stare at you. You don’t even think you could respond unless it was to throw up. It was hot and uncomfortable in that room and it only seemed to rise in temperature. Your vision just seems to tunnel black creeping in from the side.

Fuck you can’t breathe.

You probably could have ripped the door from the hinges from how hard you swung the door open. A loud crash as the door slams against the wall but you don’t even care. Numb feet trip down the steps the coldness of the air heightens as you rush away. The people inside that house their voices fall on deaf ears. You couldn’t hear anything. Blindly letting your body guide you somewhere finding the familiar clearing that was introduced to you by Ellie. Where you sat awkwardly to the side just observing the trio of friends laugh and tell jokes. They tried to include you but you just shook your head listening in as you picked the dirt under your nails. Your chest screamed for air that it desperately needed. The blood spills freely from your mouth staining the snow a crisp crimson. You hold onto a tree with one hand hunched over gasping for air surprised you haven’t buckled over.

Why didn’t she care about you?

Why didn’t she love you? She could have at least pretended for your sake.

And why didn’t he stay? Did he care that little that he didn’t want to try?

Was she right? Just a bastard child to a bastard father.

“Kid?” Your eyes darted spotting the couple standing a few feet away from you. Maria holds her son in her arms the baby is sound asleep wrapped up. Tommy takes a step forward and you react taking a stumbling step back swiping your mouth ridding the blood that paints your lips and a bit of your chin. “You’re alright..” Tommy stops holding his hands out like he’s talking down some rabid animal.

“Tommy,” Maria calls out to her husband who glances back as the woman moves forward, “Go tell the other I got her…give us some time to talk. Girl on girl.” She says before looking over at you who watches the interaction with cautious eyes. Tommy hesitates just for a moment before taking his son and leaving the clearing until it’s just the two of you. Maria heads swiping some snow off the log that substitutes as a bench taking a sit before patting one end. You don’t move keeping your distance.

“You don’t have to might be nice just to sit and talk.” She says warmly, not an ounce of disgust or even remotely upset with your actions in her home. You shuffle forward but sit on the snowy floor a good foot or two separating you. “Ellie is sorry for what she said, though I’m sure she’d feel even worse if she knew how hard those words hit you huh.” She speaks not expecting you to respond. Finding more interest in the snow your gloved hand tracing shapes in the snow.

“Is it the fact that you don’t want to have dinner with us or you’ve never been given the opportunity to have a normal meal with people?” Maria saw the way your gaze snapped to her before darting back to the snow avoidant of the adult’s gaze.

You’re not even sure you’ve had a decent meal in your entire life. Even being here in Jackson you’ve eaten the bare minimum to survive. Why would you indulge yourself in the luxuries of a homecooked meal or even fresh food? You didn’t deserve it, a stranger in this place. No reason for them to feed you well enough until they can throw you make in that cell or perhaps turn you over to the raiders.

“It’s not fair.” You mumble and Maria looks down at you not rushing you to speak, “You live this great life, a perfect little family in this perfect town. Nothing is wrong with you.”

“Not everything is perfect. We’ve all lost something…some more than others. I hav—had a son, Kevin,” Maria falters slightly and you can hear the sudden sadness lace her voice as you look up at her, “He was only three on Outbreak Day. Tommy has lost people he’s cared for, same with Joel and Ellie. It takes time to come to peace and some just never get over it.” Maria says a sense of peace despite the fact of losing a child.

“It still hurts but the pain gets easier but it never leaves. Some days are better than others. I can only be grateful for the life I have now and knowing my little boy is in a better place.” Her voice gets all choked up and she swipes away a stray tear from he misty eyes.

“I’m sure he knows he is loved.” You say softly and she nods looking down as a few tears fall but she takes a moment to compose herself.

“I’m sure in another world both my sons would have known each other. I’m sure in another world your mother would have loved you the way you deserved to be loved.” She says and you’re not sure how to react.

You’re not sure you could ever imagine a world where she loved you. To hold you in her arms like you were fragile glass. To read to you stories about far-off lands of heroes fighting to save the day. To soothe your tears and heal your cuts and scrapes you gained for having too much fun not from getting beaten and burned by those around you. To care about your interests and the things you enjoy. To be funny and make you laugh so hard you cry. To hold your hand when you are scared and protect you from the nightmares and fears that couldn’t hurt you. To make you a homemade meal to sit at a table and talk about your day and just be together. Maybe you would have a day in that picture. He’d come home from whatever job existed before the Outbreak Day, complain about the long day but happy to come home to his daughter and wife.

“I don’t think she’d ever love me no matter what world we lived in.” You wonder what kind of person you’d be in a different life but you believe that some people truly can’t change. Maybe this apocalypse truly brought out the real side that people had hidden in a normal society. “I’d rather have her lie to me. To at least act like she wanted to read me stories, to hold me on the cold nights instead of sleeping by a barely working radiator, to have my father be in my life and not just a string of drug addicts and horrible men, to tend to my wounds from bullies instead of learning how to stitch my first cut at nine, to just sit with me and a goddamn table and talk to me! To treat me like her kid...her fucking daughter instead of some bastard child!” Your throat grew more tight and your vision more blurry. It was anger a hatred towards her. You were jealous of all of those people who had good parents. A father in their life. A mother who loved them. You got neither. You wanted that. You craved it.

“I just wanted a mom.” You gritted out a burning in your eyes until you felt something run down your cheeks. Raising your hand see wetness appear on your gloves before turning your attention to Maria who looks at you sadness covering her eyes. Harshly rubbing your eyes to rid the tears and scowl though not a very good one. “Doesn’t matter it’s stupid anyway.”

“It’s not.” Maria defends against your statement, “You deserved someone to care for you and she failed you. Not you. You deserved that life you wanted and she failed to give that to you. She failed at being a mother. You didn’t fail as a daughter.” She says and it’s quiet between the two of you. A mother who wished she could’ve given the world to her first child but was given the chance to try again and a daughter who gave all she could’ve to a woman who was meant to be a mother and given nothing in return. Maria stands up holding a hand out for you. It’s a moment before you accept her hand though it’s not the action of helping you stand but telling you something deeper.

A mother caring for a child that isn’t even hers.

The walk back to Rancher Street has a new energy and a different feeling. You can’t describe how things changed between yourself and Maria but it did. As the familiar view of the house you occupy with Joel and Ellie comes into view a guiding hand rests on your shoulder and you’re brought away to the house that is Maria and Tommy’s. “Why are we going over here?” You ask confused maybe Joel and Ellie were waiting in their house. But they would have been waiting in their home for you to return.

“Just trust me.” She says and while a part of you, the part that screamed at you to run and hide. To reject this adult’s trust, you didn’t know her, she could hurt you, you don’t know her intentions. But you still followed after her until you reached inside the house that remained empty no sound of Joel or Ellie. Coming around the corner is Tommy and their son held in his arms. “You’re back.”

“Can you go sit at the dining table for a moment?” Maria asks and you nod trailing over to the dinner table to food still set and waiting for someone to eat it. You could hear some muffled voices a whole room separating you from deciphering the words between the couple. The couple returns with the male holding Liam as he places the baby in the highchair. The child babbles at his father before Tommy pulls away heading off to the kitchen with Maria. The baby seems in their own world before he makes eye contact with you and you feel locked in its gaze. A staring contest between a teenager and an infant. Pinned under the child’s innocent gaze unable to react. You weren’t sure what to do. He seems to see something you don’t do before giggles fill the room as it laughs at you. Maria and Tommy return the couple smile softly at the sight.

Your gaze snaps to Maria and Tommy, “I don’t know why it’s laughing at me.” The worried expression only causes the child’s laughter and babbling to increase.

“Well, Liam seems to like you so I don’t think you need to worry about him giggling at you,” Maria says before serving generous portions of food onto a large plate and covering it to keep the food all warm. She gives the plate to Tommy who collects his son and the two head back out and you watch them leave. “Where are they going?” You question as Maria grabs a new plate and starts filling it with a spread of the food placing it at one seat and grabbing a new plate she looks up at you.

“What would you like?” She asks and you look at the food, then the plate, then at her a look of confusion. “What?”

“What would you like to eat? There is chicken, a mix of vegetables, and mashed potatoes with some gravy we also have some leftover cookies but those can be for dessert.” She explains pointing at the different options before you. It hit you hard in the chest what she was doing for you. “You don’t have to stay, I can serve you and you can stay here and I’ll eat somewhere else or you can sit somewhere else in the house if you feel more comfortable.” She reassures you willing to work at your level. To just sit at a table and talk.

“You can choose.” You say fidgeting with the gloves on your hands feeling hot from the layered clothes. She does a spread of the options giving you the option to try everything with portions you would never serve yourself. It was too much food that you didn’t deserve. You weren’t sure you’d ever seen this much food just for you in your life. Maria settles down going to get started on her meal when she looks at you sitting across from her staring at the meal unsure where to start or if you even could. Maria stands up grabbing her plate, “Come on.” She grabs your plate and drink follows after her as the two of you leave the dining room finding yourself in the family room. Maria places her food on the small table in front of the couch gesturing for you to follow.

“You can sit on the floor or the couch whatever you prefer.” She says before moving toward the television to set something up. You sit on the ground your plate of food resting on the table at your chest your legs crossed under the small table. “You can start eating if you’d like. Don’t wait up for me.” She says over her shoulder and the hunger you’ve been holding back has you digging into the meal. Rich flavors and the weight of the fresh warm meal a great feeling in your body. A pleasant sound fills the room as light shines from the tv. Maria sits on the couch her plate resting on her lap as she starts to eat as the film begins on the screen.

“This is one of my favorites.” She says and the film plays and you’re sucked into the story reading the title of the film with wide curious eyes.

“The Lion King? How can a lion be a king?” You say looking back at the older woman, “Just watch the movie.” She says and you return your attention to what’s on screen.

You ended up moving up onto the couch around the midpoint, the food filling you up, and when Maria said that you were allowed to have more servings you declined so full from that. You weren’t sure how you got so invested in the film, feeling a deep sadness and shock when Mufasa died. To be invested in the characters Timon and Pumba a crack of a smile listening to their jokes. By the time the credits came it wasn’t shocking from the full meal, the film, and just the exhaustion from the day's events you drifted asleep your cheek pressed against the arm of the couch your arms acting as a pillow.

Maria got to work quietly cleaning taking your plates to the kitchen and started to pack up the remaining food leaving leftovers for them but having some to give to Joel and Ellie. With the leftovers in hand, she glances at you still asleep on the couch the dim glow of the TV shines on your features before she quietly exits her home to fetch her husband and child.

Joel wasn’t sure what to say or do when you returned. Given Ellie’s outburst that quietly turned to guilt once you fled his brother’s home, they went out looking for you. Looking back at their home, then the stables all the while comforting the young girl who was filled with guilt for the harsh words she had spat. When Ellie suggested a location the young introduced the older one to they ran into Tommy with Liam who reassured them that Maria had you and they were talking things out and to return to their home.

Joel wasn’t expecting Tommy and his nephew to appear at his door with what looked like the meal they were meant to eat. Still, he questioned where you were but Tommy reassured him that Maria was providing her dinner and it would be better to make it a gradual approach involving you in these things. He could understand that, you kept to yourself eating meals alone in your room or at the stables when someone would bring you something, you came and went with little to no warning. Sometimes late a night he had to really strain his already bad hearing for the front door to quietly creak open and even quieter footsteps travel around the first floor before retreating to your room. So the four of them ate the meal Maria prepared in Joel’s dining room. Ellie hoped to apologize to you but for the time being, was able to distract herself with Tommy’s son. Now that it was truly dark and a meal would be over when another knock came at the door and it was Maria with leftovers he couldn’t help but feel slightly frustrated.

“She fell asleep after dinner. Tuckered out from the day.” Maria says while trading the leftovers to Ellie for her son. Joel nods his fingers holding the loops of his belt, “Well myself or Ellie will come over in the morning to collect her.” When he said that he saw the look Tommy and Maria gave each other clearly he was out of the loop with something.

“What is it?” A hint of concern in his tone. “Joel..” Tommy starts not sure the best words as Maria takes Tommy’s hand giving it a reassuring squeeze, “We’d think it might be better if the kid stays with us.”

Joel wasn’t sure how to take that news. Did you ask to stay with them given the events of today? Was it something he did before? “I’m sorry what?” The words didn’t seem to register.

“We just think it might be good for her to be in a more family-oriented environment,” Tommy says and Joel sends him a questioning look, “The hell does family-oriented mean?”

“Joel come on, she stays practically locked up in her room and if not she’s at the stables until she has no choice but to come back. Ellie talks and tries to spend time with her but seriously Joel do you know one thing about her? You both are busy anyways with Ellie in school and you with your patrols she’s left with nothing to do.” Tommy says and Joel feels like this is an attack on his skill of taking care of a child. His hand rests on the broken watch around his wrist. He raises Sarah all by himself with the help of Tommy but it is just him and his babygirl. Then there was Ellie he would say he is raising her well for an ambitious spitfire of a kid. Tommy’s words hurt him and the image he had of being a good parental figure but it shined a light. He saw Ellie as his daughter his kid to protect and care for but in the beginning, you were some brat shoved in his hands as his responsibility now but he couldn’t explain this need to watch over you. Though he did it while keeping a 15-foot pole separating you both.

“You said you couldn’t do it cause of Liam why the sudden change?” Joel wanted to find an excuse just the tiniest one so he could claim he was the better fit but he had no clue why he wished this. The old him would be rejoicing and letting them take you off his hands.

“That’s because we didn’t know her. All of us needed to learn to trust her and we do. She’ll be around at least one of us when with Liam and this might be the first step and getting her out of her shell,” Maria says “She’s been through a lot Joel and she’s only now wants to talk about it. She needs normalcy in her life. I don’t mean this in a wrong way but you and Ellie still live and act like you’re out there fighting to survive.” Now that riled up the older Miller. Sure he kept to himself spoke when only necessary to do his job then returned home to do it all over again but things were different now. Ellie and him had things that they never had out there and being here was their fresh start from everything that has happened to them.

“Tommy.” Joel looked at his brother hoping he would try to defuse the situation and maybe reconsider but he didn’t. “Did you even ask her? Do you really know her well enough to know what’s best for her?” He sounded spiteful a bite to his words.

“Stop it,” Tommy’s voice curt to his brother and his wife, “We just came here to tell you she’s going to be staying with us. Not fight over who knows her better. If she wishes to return to stay with you she’s more than welcome to.” It’s quiet between the three adults before Liam begins fusing and it’s too late for the baby to be out.

“Look you’re welcome to see her. We’re not keeping her away from you Joel but if you really think she’s better off with you. Put some goddamn effort in getting to know her instead of treating her like some stranger.” Tommy says before delivering his brother a pat on his shoulder that was meant to be comforting but only felt like a mockery. The family retreats back to their home as Joel closes the door a weight in his stomach as he stares at the woodgrain on the door.

“Joel?” Ellie’s voice makes him turn from where he stands to find Ellie standing in the living room. He was sure she heard their conversation but didn’t but in. “Is she not staying with us anymore?” Sadness laced her features and it only added more guilty weight to his gut. This wasn’t something he could give some hopeful response that things would be better but he truly didn’t know. You’re decision would be up to you and it may be his fault for not putting in an effort.

“I don’t know kiddo…I don’t know.”

Where the Wild Things Are Tags

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[satansapostle6]

fire and ice | james cook

Cook’s interest is piqued when an old childhood friend moves in across the street.

Warning: Mature themes/language. Drug use. Sexual content.

part one.

part two. the system.

“Oi! Tiff!”

Tiffany Wheeler turned around as she headed home from school, realizing Cook was following her, naturally.

“Cookie,” she remarked.

“Going home?” he asked her.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“Me too,” he said with approval.

He walked by her side as they went in the same direction, heading back towards their shared neighborhood.

“Did you catch what that assignment was?” he asked her. “JJ had me distracted. Pulled a chocolate out of my ear. Don’t know where he found a chocolate…”

“Sure,” she nodded with sarcasm.

“What do you say, Wheeler?” he asked hopefully. “Help out your best mate? For old time’s sake?”

“Yeah. Whatever,” Tiffany scoffed.

“Alright!” Cook exclaimed enthusiastically. “Fuck yeah!”

Tiff just smiled as she walked, fully aware of Cook’s behavior.

“So, since you won’t be a good mate and shag me, how do I repay you?” he wondered. “Spliff?” he offered.

“Don’t love it, if I’m being honest,” she said as she plucked a cigarette from the pack she was holding and stuck it into her mouth as she lit it.

“Vodka, then?” he guessed. “Drugs?”

It was Tiff’s turn to give a mischievous grin, satiated by the offer.

“You’ve got a deal, mate.”

“Alright. Sorted,” he nodded, happy with their arrangement. “Come over to mine, then?” he invited her insistently.

“Yeah. Sure,” she agreed.

She objectively observed, somewhat fascinated, as he pulled out a spliff, loose somewhere in his pocket, smoking it out in the open as they walked home together. Tiff quickly realized that Cook constantly had to be doing something; if he was talking, he had to be loud, and animated.

If, for some reason, he wasn’t talking, he had to be active, running, or jumping, or otherwise doing something, like flicking or punching something. Cook had the mannerisms of a primary school student; he just needed to feel excited. All the time.

He found that he surprisingly didn’t mind Tiff’s silent, aloof demeanor, because even if she wasn’t speaking, she was always listening. And he liked to be listened to. Cook felt that Tiff had a unique way of fucking with people. It wasn’t in anything she said or did; it wasn’t in anything. Nothing about the way she would just stay there in silence was inherently wrong, or offensive, but just something about the space that she took up could make someone need more from her.

Cook kept rambling and raving throughout the entire walk to his house, secretly needing for Tiff to actually join in. She was speaking, of course, and fully engaging in whatever topic they had currently landed on throughout the entire ordeal, but she never brought herself up to his level and ranted or raved herself. She was almost always level, and cool.

“Say, Tiff,” Cook said as he sat down on his bed, passing her a half full bottle of vodka. “How come you moved back here?”

He remembered Tiffany Wheeler had moved away from Bristol just before their fourth year of primary school. At seven or eight years old, he had actually been quite disappointed when he didn’t see her that first day of school.

“My dad wanted to be close to the family again,” Tiff replied, searching her pockets as Cook held his hand out for the pack of cigarettes.

“Any reason why?” he asked curiously.

“You remember my brother, right?” she said as he took a cigarette.

“Yeah! Andrew, right?” Cook lit the cigarette. “What’s he up to?”

“He’s dead,” Tiff said matter-of-factly as he just stopped for a moment.

“Oh. Fucking hell,” James Cook remarked, seemingly genuinely taken aback. “When?”

“A… A few weeks ago,” she cleared her throat. “Or a month ago…? Honestly can’t remember, exactly. The funeral’s next weekend…”

“Jesus. Rest in peace,” he mumbled.

Tiff just nodded appreciatively. This was much more recent than he would’ve guessed. He began to feel guilty for his casual attitude, knowing he wasn’t exactly great with these things.

“How’d he die?” he asked, optimistically hoping for something standard like illness, or perhaps an accident.

“He killed himself,” she told him, seeming as if she was trying to spare Cook’s feelings more so than her own, which he found peculiar.

“Oh…” he thought awkwardly. “Was it peaceful?” he hoped.

“Car exhaust,” she informed him, as his face slowly twisted into an uncomfortable grimace. “Choked on exhaust fumes.”

“Oh.”

This certainly did not sound like a very ideal death to Cook, not that there really was any such thing.

“It’s alright. I can talk about it without turning into a weepy twat,” Tiff promised him.

Cook looked at her for a moment, nothing mischievous or teasing behind his eyes in that moment as he just nodded, silently conveying his unspoken apology for his general behavior.

“You know I, er… I remember Andrew. Sort of,” he offered. “He was a couple grades above us… Always trying to make friends with people. Drawing them pictures, and shit,” he recalled, taking a rough swig of vodka.

“Yep. That was Andrew,” Tiff nodded pleasantly. “Definitely Andrew.”

Cook did what he could to help, handing her the bottle as she accepted it gratefully, downing a decent amount of the foul-tasting alcohol as Cook handed her his cigarette.

“He was your best mate,” he said.

Tiff nodded. “Yeah,” she agreed pleasantly. “He was.”

Cook felt awkward and aimless in the heavy conversation, despite the fact that Tiff seemed complete fine. He took another long swig from the bottle, starting to really feel tingly in many different ways, between the spliff and the vodka.

“To Andrew,” he dedicated the thoughtful act of alcoholism.

She smiled, taking the bottle, compelled to drink more.

“To Andrew,” she echoed.

“Do you know why he killed himself?” Cook asked, past the point of knowing whether or not that was an appropriate question to ask.

Tiff strangely appreciated it, never having been asked that in conversation about it before.

“Yeah… I think so. Sort of,” she provided.

She thought for a moment before responding.

“He was… He was troubled. Fucked around with pills a lot. Like, a lot. I mean, I did too, but… He was just different. Like he knew that’s how it would all end, sooner or later,” she sighed. “I guess he chose ‘sooner’.”

“That’s right shit,” Cook shook his head.

Tiff nodded in agreement, finding his take almost profound in its own way. “Yeah. Yeah, it really is.”

“Was there something you think made him do it?” Cook inquired. “Like, something that set him off?”

“Oh, yeah,” Tiff nodded with certainty, a certain bitterness or irony to her tone. “Yeah.”

He listened silently, something he rarely did for anyone, curious to hear the answer.

“He, erm… He was spiraling, after college. Barely passed to begin with. It was all drugs and weird pastimes, every day. Sometimes he’d be gone for days at a time… Mum was at her wit’s end with him… She just didn’t know what to do,” she explained. “Hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she was the one to off herself.”

Cook still listened intently as she spoke, pondering on every word. He could tell this was a very recent and painful chapter in her life.

“Anyways. My brother. He was doing some really questionable shit, with really questionable people… It was fucked up. And I mean, fucked up. This guy, Seb, he used to party with? Rumor was, he would get fucked up on acid and do some crazy shit. I mean, like, dead cats crazy.”

“Jesus,” Cook thought, surprised at his own reaction.

“Mum had enough… She gave him an ultimatum. Either get his life together, and go to university, or get a job, at least,” Tiff recalled, “Or… he was out of the house,” she concluded.

Cook sat with this for a moment, not responding, just thinking as he tried to process. It took a considerable amount of silence, but he seemed to understand finally.

“So, Andrew…” the words strangely hurt him to say. “Your mum said he had to get his life together, so he killed himself?” he provided.

“Yep,” she nodded.

Cook gave her a funny look she’d never seen from him before in the short time she’d known him as an actual adult. It was almost a look of sympathy.

“Andrew… He would’ve rather have killed himself than try to live a healthy, functional life,” she admitted, an unimaginable pain in her eyes.

Cook truly had no idea how to respond.

“It’s fine,” she added quickly, her tone changing. “It’s whatever. My own brother would’ve rather have killed himself than stop doing drugs.”

“I’m sorry, Tiff,” Cook said after a pause, “If I’m being completely honest… I only got to talking to shag you.”

He waited guiltily for a response of any sort as she just looked at him for a while, fully aware of his patterns. Cook half-expected her to get uncomfortable in some way, or scream, or yell, or throw him out of her home, but she did no such thing. He watched in awe as she didn’t even seem to bat an eye at the confession.

“I figured,” she said, prompting him to wonder if this was all she had to contribute.

Completely flabbergasted, Cook began to spiral as he tried to communicate with her.

“You—You did?” he asked cautiously.

She nodded emptily, no longer worried about being allowed to attractive people. He still found himself praying she wouldn’t punch or disembowel him.

“Of course I did,” Tiff responded indifferently. “Most people only hang out with me because they want to shag me.”

“Yeah, I reckon so,” he said regretfully, a guilty expression on his face.

“But it’s okay,” she said, reading him easily. “I have a system; I always hang out with people at least three times. If they leave by then, then I know they just wanted to shag me.”

“But… what if they’re playing the long game?” Cook geniunely wondered.

“Well, at that point,” she thought. “If I want to shag them, then, I do.”

A large grin slowly spread across Cook’s face as he shifted the mood back to lighthearted stupidity.

“So, what if I’m still here after the third time?” he proposed excitedly.

“Then I’ll know you’re an idiot,” Tiff concluded.

-

part three.

[starrieshq]

The Great Coming Out [Heronchild]

inspired by @heronchildlove

Enjoy!

James had just managed to kick his pants off and into the corner when his parents decided to walk in.

Matthew immediately slammed the door in their faces, his face flushing several shades darker.

“Oh!” He could hear Tessa exclaim.

“Erm, we’re sorry.” Will called through the wall. After a moment, the two heard pairs of feet head away and down the stairs.

James' heart hammered in his chest, breathing heavily as he tried to calm himself down. They were bound to find out eventually, but they hadn’t told them yet. Under other circumstances, maybe he would have, but as James turned and looked at Matthew, he saw his face in his hands, his shoulders slightly shaking.

7 months. They had kept it a secret for seven months. Of course, they hadn’t been the most discreet.

Multiple times now, Thomas and Alastair had caught them making out in the training room. Lucie found them in the library, Anna was in Matthew’s flat when it happened, Christopher had seen them in the club room, and even Charles knew about them.

“They know.” Matthew said quietly.

James sat next to him and reached out to embrace him. Matthew leaned in, and James buried his head into the crook of his neck, inhaling the scent of sandalwood. His arms went around James’s waist, and he could feel Matthew’s rapid heartbeat against his chest.

After several moments, James stood up.

“We should probably go talk to them.” He said.

Matthew sighed.

“Just as it was getting good.”

James chuckled, as they put on their discarded clothes.

As he buttoned up his shirt, he thought about his parent’s reaction to him and Matthew. He wasn’t too worried about whether they were supportive or not, as they had been some of the first people to openly support Thomas and Alastair’s relationship.

He just didn’t want them to see him differently. Sometimes felt that if they had known about this part of him, the part that deep down knew why he hadn’t fallen in love with Grace or Cordelia, the part of him where he knew in his heart that he could never truly love a woman.

But this wasn’t a part that was new. It was a part that was a secret. Until now, that was.

James glanced over at Matthew, who was lacing his shoes. His gaze lingered on him, taking in the messy hair, the rumpled appearance. The figure was indeed Matthew Fairchild, but he knew that Matthew would be mortified if anyone else but James saw him in a state such as this, anything less than perfectly coiffed.

Matthew turned around and saw him looking, and smiled.

“Couldn’t look away?” He asked teasingly.

“Not even if I tried.” He answered truthfully.

Matthew grinned, but not without his face flushing slightly at the compliment.

After several minutes of affirmations and deep breaths, James and Matthew began to make their way downstairs.

They found Tessa and Will in the drawing room, having tea, Tessa looking content and rather slightly smug whilst Will looked utterly perplexed.

“Yes, I understand that.” Will protested. “But how could they think that we wouldn’t notice them missing for well over two hours?”

James cleared his throat.

His parents spun around and saw them.

“Why hello, my son.” Will greeted him. “Hello, Matthew.”

Matthew had the grace to look slightly ashamed.

“I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Herondale, I wa-”

“There’s nothing to apologize for.” Tessa said firmly.

Matthew lapsed into silence, but only for a moment.

“What?” He asked.

Tessa gestured to the loveseat, where they sat down as Will reached for his teacup. After a moment, Matthew hesitantly held out his hand towards James, who gladly took it. Matthew looked hesitant, so he squeezed his hand to reassure him.

“To be rather honest,” Tessa said slightly hesitantly, as if unsure how to proceed, “We…knew. To an extent.”

James raised his eyebrows.

“Really?” He asked.

“Jamie,” Will said affectionately. “Despite inheriting my brains and good looks, you can be dull at times. You never seemed to be able to shut up about Matthew.”

“You were always rendezvousing around with him, you always were writing letters about him,” Tessa continued. “By the Angel, you even blushed every time you came out of your room with Matthew.”

“It was really quite obvious.” Will finished.

James and Matthew sat in stunned silence for a moment.

“Then why didn’t you say anything?” Matthew asked, his voice unusually uncertain.

“We knew that you’d tell us, eventually.” Tessa said, setting down her cup. “We just wanted you to be ready when it happened.”

James nodded, his heart close to bursting. Matthew hesitantly smiled at James, who returned the favor by squeezing his hand.

“That went better than expected.”

Matthew collapsed on James’s bed, letting out a sigh of relief. James sat next to him, running a hair through his blonde silky locks.

He grinned and pulled James on top of him, snaking an arm around his waist.

“What-”

Matthew covered his mouth.

“Let’s pick up where we left off, shall we?”

[ash5monster01]

Only Thing Left to Live For

Pairing: Charlie Dalton x FemReader

Warnings: grief, loss, mentions of suicide, comfort

Summary: Charlie Dalton never came home for the Holidays, you’re friendship stuck strictly to summer time, but when he comes home in the Winter you’re ecstatic until you find out exactly why he’s home so soon and you’re the only thing left to comfort him during his time of grief.

word count: 2964

Masterlist

You were camped out by your bedroom window, eyes staring at the house across from yours. You held a book in your hands but you had yet to open it, you were afraid that if you took your eyes away for one moment you’d miss evidence that what you had seen earlier was real. Three people had exited the Dalton’s vehicle and you knew the color of the champagne brown hair anywhere. But he never came home for Holidays and if he did it was much to early for school to already be out. So was he only a figment of your imagination, your dreams messing with your reality?

You weren’t sure how long you were sat by your window when the front door of the house finally opened. And there he was, bundled up in a hat and scarf, shovel in his hand, and 100% not a figment if your imagination. You leapt forward, as if getting closer to the window would make it easier to see him. You had never seen him in the Winter months, his skin was a shade paler, and the hat on his head much different from the messy uncombed look he kept in the summer. Seeing him in the snow for the first time was almost romantic as small snow flakes fell down and he moved to start shoveling the driveway. You waited a few moments to see how he moved, and enjoy the idea of him in the snowy months which up until now was only something you could imagine and had never seen.

Yet the longer he was there the more convinced you were he was real and quickly you bundled up to go and see him, your excitement overflowing. The scrape of his shovel on the ground was too loud for him to hear you approach. As you got closer your heart rate sped up at the thought of seeing him much sooner than you had anticipated.

“Charlie?” the boy looked up, brown eyes meeting your own, the shovel stopping almost instantly, and creating a silence that surrounded you both.

“Y/N, hey” his eyes were different. They weren’t full of mischief like they usually were and instead they were a cold shell of grief, so much hurt behind them. The thought scared you a little.

“Hi, I thought I saw you come home earlier. I just wanted to make sure my eyes weren’t deceiving me” you told him and he forced a smile but that was not the Charlie you knew. The one you knew would have a flirtatious comment matched with a smirk but instead the boy across from you seemed lost in a way.

“Yeah, it’s me” his sentence was short, and you started to feel uncomfortable that you had been holding the conversation when that was usually his job.

“I didn’t think Welton let out for the Holidays this early” it didn’t go unnoticed the flinch as you spoke this sentence.

“Yeah, we had a few last minute changes” his voice was cold, his mind obviously distant even though he stood right across from you. And it didn’t go unnoticed that he had yet to smile and Charlie always greeted you with a smile.

“Well, I’m glad you’re home. I would love to catch up. My parents are going to be out for the evening, I could make us some dinner?” you offered and Charlie looked at you, really stared as if he couldn’t decide eating with you would be a good idea.

“Sure, just let me know a time” he finally decided and you started to feel nervous around him and not the usual good nervous you did.

“Seven, I’ll see you then” you grinned, and he nodded, no other emotion on his face, before focusing back on the shovel, and filling the air with its scrapes. Confused he didn’t bid you goodbye you made your way back across the street and into your home.

Now knowing you had a guest for dinner, and that it was Charlie 6 months sooner than you had expected him, you started to panic. Suddenly the house wasn’t clean enough, all your dresses were too last season, and any meal you made wouldn’t be good enough. But at some point you ran out of things to clean, you settled on your navy blue dress with white pearls, and the only ingredients you had in the house meant dinner was beef stroganoff and nothing else. But as the meal was finishing up cooking, and the dining table was set for two, you became embarrassed of what Charlie might think. Yet you didn’t have much time to stress since a knock sounded at the door. Whipping your apron off you rushed over to let him inside from the bitter cold.

“Hi” you grinned at him, admiring the snowflakes that sat on his lashes. He walked in slowly as he removed his scarf and you shut the door behind him.

“It smells great” he spoke, all of his personality still missing.

“You’re just in time, I just finished cooking” you told him as you led him to the kitchen. He took a seat as you grabbed the food to set some servings on your plates. His eyes noticed the half drank wine glass on the counter.

“I didn’t know you drank?” you looked to where his eyes were and became embarrassed all over again.

“Rarely, only to soothe my nerves” you spoke as you went to put the glass and bottle away.

“No, bring it over here. We can drink together” stopping in your tracks you grabbed a fresh glass and brought it to the table. Setting the clean one in front of him you gave him a good pour before refilling your own.

“I hope you like beef stroganoff, I didn’t have ingredients for anything else” you said as you looked at the simple meal you had placed in front of him.

“You were nervous?” Charlie ignored your comment about the dinner, focusing on your excuse for the wine. This comment from him was normal, the only thing missing was the suggestive tone he would use to say it, so instead the sentence felt way to empty for it to make your heart beat.

“Well yeah, I don’t have many guests for dinner and I didn’t want to make a fool of myself” you spoke, not letting on that he made you nervous in general.

“The stroganoff is perfect, better than any prep school food” he finally said and you smiled as he quickly took a bite.

“How was this past semester, Nolan still strict?” you found yourself asking because you always did when he came home from school. But again the boys body went rigid and he chewing stopped.

“It was like it always was” Charlie struggled with the words, obviously unclear of what to say.

“Well that can’t be true, your Mom told me you took quite a liking towards english, and your grades were better than they had ever been” for the first time since approaching him this morning the smallest smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

“We had a new english teacher. Different than any teacher I ever had, I actually looked forward to going to his class” you took noticed of the word had but chose to ignore it considering the tiniest glimpse of the Charlie you knew was sitting there right in the corner of his lips.

“I love english, it’s nice to see you found a passion for it also” you told him, realizing Charlie had changed a lot in the past few months you hadn’t seen him.

“Yeah, I used to think all those poems you liked were silly but now I enjoy them. I actually write some of my own” your eyebrows rose, shock flowing through your body. Charlie willingly writing poems, now this couldn’t be true.

“You write poems? I don’t know if I believe it” you started to shake your head and suddenly he laughed. It was short and quick but it warmed your heart and the cold shell of the Charlie across from you actually had real emotions for a moment.

“It’s true, I even joined a secret club dedicated to reading poems” Charlie hadn’t felt anything since he left school. It’s as if Neil dying killed any passion he had left at all. But here, talking to you, he felt something. Something small but enough to remind him there was still some good in the world even though it felt as if it was all gone.

“Now that sounds like fun, can I join or is it for Welton members only?” you asked, a bit excited at the thought Charlie found something to be this into.

“No it’s for anyone. We call ourselves the Dead Poets Society, we’re real romantics” Charlie rose his eyebrows suggestively and you laughed but felt your heart swell because there he was. This was your Charlie, the one you knew.

“I would love to attend a meeting of this Dead Poets Society” but then his eyes stopped shining, the smile fell from his face, and he shrunk back down in his chair. “Is everything okay Charlie? You don’t seem like yourself”

“That’s because I’m not” you noticed the water well up in his eyes and suddenly clear as day you realized this Charlie that came home was broken.

“Charlie, it’s me. You can tell me anything” but you weren’t sure that was true anymore. He rarely wrote you this semester and he always wrote you. Maybe this Charlie had been around for a while.

“My life is a mess Y/N. I’ve lost so much, I’m not sure what to even live for anymore” your stomach twisted at his words. The Charlie you knew lived for adventure, trouble, romance, and experience. Now the one in front of you didn’t see anything good in the world anymore.

“Charlie, what’s going on? What happened?” you reached across the table for him, taking his hand into your own, your heart breaking at the sight of him so lost.

“Neil died Y/N” you gasped as you tightened your grip on his hand. You had met Neil the small handful of times he was actually allowed to visit in the summer. Never enough to get to know him but you did know he was Charlie’s best friend. The one person he relied on when he went back to school. “He killed himself and the school is blaming it on our English teacher, they wanted me to sign a paper saying it was true but I couldn’t because it isn’t true. They kicked me out and now I’ll never see any of my friends again”

“Oh my God” tears fell down the boys cheeks as he finally admitted all of this out loud. He didn’t get to say goodbye, he didn’t get a chance to tell Keating how much he did for him, and he had been alone with his parents who had been so disappointed in him that he bottled everything he was feeling up until he could’t feel anymore.

“I don’t understand how for the very first time in my life I felt like I was actually living it ended like this” you quickly stood and rushed over to his side of the table. Falling to your knees beside him you began to rub his back because this Charlie had every right to feel the way he did. He lost a friend, and in the wake of all of that he ended up losing everything else.

“Charlie, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry this happened” you wanted to cry for him as he turned into your embrace, crying into your shoulder. You were the first person to comfort him since everything had happened. Since the moment he got the call about Neil he had to comfort everyone else and when his parents got there, they were too mad at him for getting expelled to comfort him over the loss of his friend.

“He was so young Y/N. You should’ve seen his smile the last night I saw him. He had so much to live for” he gripped onto you tightly as you continued to rub his back. You had never seen him break down like this before.

“Charlie, it’s okay. I’m here and everything is gonna turn out okay” you told him as he continued to hold you in his embrace. At least he still had you. Through it all at least he could always rely on you and now he just had to pray his parents wouldn’t send him somewhere far away because right now the only thing he could handle would be staying with you.

“I’m sorry I ruined dinner” he muttered into your neck and you shook your head, pulling back to look him in his eyes.

“You didn’t ruin it. I missed you and even though you got expelled I’m ecstatic to have you here” you told him with a soft smile and he chuckled as he wiped his tears away. “I should’ve poured you a bigger glass though”

“Finally being able to talk about it is comfort enough” he told you and you returned to your spot at the table. He instantly missed the feeling of you in his arms and made note to stay as close to you tonight as possible.

“The wine will still help” you offered as you picked up your glass. He picked up his own and looked at you with a curious expression. “To Neil, who was so full of life that not even life could fulfill him. And to you Charlie for being strong despite all the trauma the past few months have brought your way. Life will go on and you’ll feel guilty but soon, one day you’ll wake up, and it won’t hurt as much anymore. Then when you feel guilty for that you’ll have to remember that Neil would be proud that you tried to live your life as best as you could despite it all”

“Cheers” Charlie’s lips quivered as he spoke but he clicked his glass with your own and took a sip as he fought off the tears. He cried every night since Neil passed and he was so sick of crying.

“To you Y/N, for always knowing the right thing to say and being the first person to comfort me since I lost my best friend. And for being the one good thing about being back home. Then hopefully you’ll finally let me kiss you tonight” you both laughed as he did his own toast and clinked your glasses again.

“You’ve had the opportunity to kiss me since we were fifteen Charlie, I was never stopping you” you told him and just like that, slight mischief appeared behind his eyes as he smirked beck at you.

“Yeah, I stopped myself because it would hurt that much worse leaving you 9 months out of the year” he told you and you tilted your head as you furrowed your eyebrows together.

“And how well did that work out for you?” you asked and he chuckled, feeling much lighter since everything was off his chest now and he could feel normal being himself around you.

“Well I still missed you like crazy so apparently not that great, the only good thing about this semester was having the Dead poets to distract me from how much I wanted to see you” you both had never been this honest with each other but as of right now you had your entire future laying ahead of you and maybe for the first time you both actually had the choice to have each other in it.

“Well I missed you like crazy too, it feels like a fever dream having you here with me” you told him, finishing off your glass of wine.

“Well get used to it, because I’m sticking around” he told you and you shared a smile before you both finished your meal together. But sadly your parents would be home soon, and you could only spend so much time holding out a meal to stay together. So soon enough you had to walk him to the door.

“I’m glad you came” you said as you helped him into his jacket. He turned and smiled at you as he pulled his hat on his head and you smoothed out the front of his coat.

“Me too, I needed this” he said and you smiled as you looked up into his brown eyes that actually held a little more life in them than they did when he first got here.

“Let’s hangout tomorrow after school, we can go see a movie or something” he smiled and nodded as he started towards the door.

“Oh wait, I forgot something” he said as he turned back around and you gave him a confused look but before you knew it his lips were on your own. You gasped slightly as he tilted you back and kissed you hard. He kissed you like his whole life depended on it, and you could feel every thank you and how much he had wanted to do this behind it. Your body felt like jello and you didn’t think you had ever been kissed like that. Quickly he pulled you back upright and broke his mouth from your own, breathing heavily as he looked at you.

“Goodnight Y/N, I’ll see you tomorrow” he whispered and you nodded, unable to speak as he walked back to the door and slipped outside. You stood there, still shocked he had actually kissed you, and you were sure if you moved you were bound to fall.

And holy shit Charlie Dalton kissed you.

[666writingcafe]

The Confrontation

Author's Note: I thought I'd make things more dramatic by having MC be the one that passes out after the trip to Thirteen's cave. Also, the following scene takes place at the Demon Lord's castle as everyone anxiously waits for MC to recover.

Lucifer

The air is tense. Diavolo has gathered everyone in the sitting room for an urgent meeting, but no one seems to want to speak. It's as though they're afraid that their words will further harm MC.

"So, Lord Diavolo." Thank goodness. Asmo has broken the silence. "You're going to explain exactly what's going on, right? That's why we're all here, isn't it?" Diavolo sighs.

"Yes. It's time for everyone to be on the same page. We've kept this secret for long enough."

"We?" Satan repeats. "You mean, it's not just you that's been hiding things from us?"

"We've merely kept a promise," Barbatos chimes in. "Nothing more."

"What in the hell are you talking about?!" Mammon shouts.

"There is reason to believe that MC's power is gradually destroying the three realms." My brothers are stunned into silence. I don't blame them. I reacted similarly when Diavolo first told me.

"MC reached out to me a few months ago," Diavolo continues. "They told me that they believe there was a connection between a recurring nightmare they had and strange phenomena taking place in the human world. They kept track of the dates and noticed that there were some that didn't connect to anything there. So naturally, they wanted to know if similar phenomena were occurring in the Devildom."

"As it turns out, they were," Simeon adds. "The Celestial Realm experienced strange events as well, and all of the dates MC recorded corresponded to something that occurred in one of the three realms."

This statement causes the room to erupt into chaos. The only people not yelling at Diavolo, Barbatos, and Simeon are Beel--who simply stares forlornly at a random spot on the wall--and Belphie. I should be surprised by the latter's reaction, but I suppose that he used his mental connection with MC to put the pieces together.

I wish this wasn't our reality. The possibility of losing MC has kept me awake more times than I'd like to admit, and if I didn't promise myself I'd remain sober through this, I'd be drowning in Demonus right about now.

As it is, it's hard to keep my composure as I watch everyone I care about fall apart like this.

"Enough!" The single word cuts through the arguing and causes everyone to look towards the entryway. MC looks a little pale, and they're using Solomon as a slight crutch to keep them upright, but at least they're alive.

"I would advise you all to watch your tone, because they haven't done anything wrong," MC warns once they have our attention. "I'm the one that has requested secrecy. Not Diavolo, not Lucifer, not anyone else, me."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Asmo and Luke ask simultaneously. The two of them exchange sheepish glances before Asmo adds,

"We would have been more than willing to help you, MC. You didn't have to keep this from us."

"Yes, I did. If everyone knew, it would have been harder to make certain decisions."

"What decisions?" Levi asks, making MC sigh.

"I shouldn't even be alive. Between my ancestry and my pacts with all seven rulers of the underworld, it's a miracle I haven't spontaneously combusted, let alone not caused irreversible damage to the three realms." MC briefly pauses as they steady themselves. "The problem is that my power is very hard to control. Even after all of the studying and training I've gone through, it still overtakes me rather easily. It's quite dangerous."

"Last time, MC was knocked out for a few minutes," Solomon recalls. "This time, for a few days. It's very possible that the next time might take them even longer to recover from, and there may come a day where they might not wake up at all. And that's just them. All of us are susceptible to the effects of MC's power."

"So, what do we do?" Asmo asks. "How can we help MC?"

"According to my research, there are only two ways to fix this issue: find a magical object strong enough to suppress the impact of MC's power, or have them revert to the state they were in when they first arrived to the Devildom."

A magical object...

There is only one capable of doing the job. Problem is, I would have to admit that I gave it to her after I got cast out of the Celestial Realm, which would cause even more drama.

Plus, would she even have it still, or would she have thrown it away or destroyed it after our relationship ended?

My train of thought gets interrupted by the sound of a blade getting unsheathed. Turning my head towards the noise reveals Solomon holding a dagger.

No. Not a dagger. The dagger. The one powerful enough to sever pacts. Once that gets used, we will never again be bonded to MC in that particular way.

Where did Solomon find it? More importantly, how long has he had it?

[walker-extended-universe]

The Stork Dropped By, Chapter 1

Relationship(s): Micki Ramirez & Cordell Walker, Trey Barnett & Micki Ramirez, Trey Barnett/Micki Ramirez

Tags/Warnings: Alternate Universe- Canon Divergence, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Secrets, Confessions, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Other tags to be added, Tags may change

Summary: Micki returns to Austin with the news that she's pregnant with Trey's child. It's a shock to everyone involved, especially Trey. How will this change the story? And will it be for the better, or would it have been better if she'd never returned?

Written for @augustofwhump prompt 2: Cry for Help

A/N: This first chapter takes place between 3x03 and 3x04

Taglist: @theladywyn, @ihavepointysticks, @klaatu51, @itsjessiegirl1, @neptunium134

------------

It was nearing midnight and Cordell wasn’t anywhere near sleep. He should at least try, he knew. Just laying down and closing his eyes would do his body a world of wonders even if he never made it to dreamland.

And yet, he stayed awake.

He stayed awake, quietly wandering the house, waiting for sleep to come to him. Eventually, he would be exhausted enough to fall asleep and then he’d wake up with his alarm and pretend he got more than 2 hours of sleep. Rinse and repeat until he was cleared to put his badge back on and then he’d have a reason to be sleep deprived.

Out of nowhere, his renewed sense of paranoia was rewarded with a knock on his door. Frowning, he checked his phone. No alerts from his camera, no missed calls from James or Cassie. Who on earth could be bothering him at this late hour?

Grabbing a gun he hid in the entry table, he went up to the door and discreetly checked the peephole.

Of all the people that might have been on his doorstep in the middle of the night, Micki Ramirez was the absolute last person he expected to see. She was turned away from him, her profile barely visible in the fisheye of the peephole. Even with that distortion, he could tell from her stance that something was wrong.

When he opened the door, she turned back toward him, her hand resting on a large baby bump.

“Hey, partner,” she said casually, as if they’d run into each other at a cafe instead of her turning up on his doorstep heavily pregnant in the middle of the night. “Can I come in? It’s chilly out.”

It wasn’t, but he stepped aside to let her in anyway. “Uh, yeah. Do- Do you want something to drink? Or eat? I’ve got leftovers in the fridge…”

Micki made a face. “I’ll take some water but I shouldn’t eat anything right now. My appetite’s been all over the place and Baby doesn’t always agree with the cravings.”

Cordell nodded. “Well- Uh, why don’t you sit down and I’ll get water for both of us.”

Micki smiled and took a seat on the couch. He kept glancing at her while he poured a glass of water for each of them. It had been months since he’d last seen or heard from her. After she left, he got a few weekly updates on how things were going with her moms, than there was radio silence.

Had she been in contact with Trey? Did Trey know about this? Why did she come here and not to Trey? Why didn’t she give warning she was coming over? Why come now and not after the baby was born?

Cordell shook his head. He had too many questions and Micki wouldn’t answer them right away. Slow and steady was the way to handle this.

“Here we are,” he said. “So…. What brings you here at this time of night?”

“Oh, you know, I was just in the neighborhood….” She sipped her glass. “Not that you believe me when I say that.”

“Not really, no.”

She sighed. “Look, I really don’t want to talk about this tonight. I’m seven months pregnant, both Adrianna and Mercedes are telling me to give it up, but I can’t do that and I don’t have anywhere else to go. I don’t need to stay here forever but-”

“Micki.” Cordell put a hand on her knee. “I know you’ve been gone for a while, but you’re still family to me. You can stay here for as long as you need. It’ll be an adjustment but we can make it work. I just need to know what you need. Is the father in the picture at all?”

Micki stared into her glass. “I haven’t told him.”

“Why not? Is there a problem with him? Is he not… committed?” Why else would she wait 7 months?

“It’s not that,” she muttered. “I mean, he probably would be willing. He’s a great guy like that. But…. We broke up before I knew I was pregnant and I don’t know if this is really his problem anymore….”

“Micki, this is his kid we’re talking about. Even if he’s not interested in helping you raise them, he has an obligation to help support you. If nothing else, you can get child support out of him and Liam will help if he-”

“Cordi, it’s fine,” she said. “I know I should tell him, but…. He’s got a life now. I don’t know if I wanna blow that up.”

He could empathize with that. “Well, I think you should at least give him the chance to step up. And if he turns out to be a dick, you know you have a place here.”

She smiled. “I know. Thanks.”

He let the silence hang for a few moments before he asked “So, who is it? If you don’t mind me asking.” He totally wasn’t fishing for information so he could track the idiot down and make sure he fulfilled his obligations.

“It’s….” She chewed on her bottom lip, her first real sign of distress all night. “It’s Trey.”

“It’s… Trey? Trey’s the….”

Trey’s the father and you didn’t tell him. Trey’s the father and you haven’t spoken to him in months. Trey’s the father and he’s currently training to be a ranger. Trey’s the father and you told me first.

“Walker?” Micki looked up at him nervously. “Is everything okay?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, everything’s fine.” Cordell cleared his throat. “So, when are you going to tell him? I can invite him over for dinner and-”

“NO!”

Cordell startled and backed into the arm of the couch. “Wh-”

“No! Just- He can’t know yet.” Micki sniffed and started rubbing her eyes. “I-I know this is a lot to ask of you but- I’m not ready to tell him yet. Just- The way we left things off… I-I don’t….. I don’t even know what I’d do if he-” A sob bubbled out of her and Cordlel couldn’t understand what she was saying.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he soothed, leaning forward to hug her. “You know I’ve got your back no matter what. We’ll- We’ll do it your way, okay?”

She hiccupped and nodded. “Th-Thanks, partner.”

Once she calmed down, Cordell helped her up the stairs to his bed so she could get some rest. Then, he crept down to his office and started making a plan. Trey or no Trey, Micki was probably going to be here for a while and he would be damned if she didn’t get every ounce of support she needed and then some.

—-------------

Trey smiled as he stepped into the bullpen. For all that he’d waffled around joining the rangers when James offered, he was only more certain of his decision as he got closer to the end of his training. Soon, he’d be one of these fine white hats, taking down the toughest criminals Austin had to offer, making a real difference.

He walked over to the joint desk with his two favorite hats and leaned over the front. “Hey, you two. Anything interesting happen while James was giving me my 80th mock interview?”

Cassie grinned. “No, not really. Just paperwork. Lots and lots of paperwork. You sure you still wanna work here?”

Trey laughed. “It can’t be worse than when I was at Sacred Heart. I swear, I had to fill out a form just to take a bathroom break.” He glanced over at Walker, who was being weirdly silent. “What about you? Anything new on your end of the wire?”

Walker glanced at him, then quickly looked away and shook his head. “Nope. Actually, I think I ran out of pens. I should go get more. I’ll be back.” He got up so fast he almost toppled his chair and sped off down the hallway.

Trey frowned. “What’s his problem?”

Cassie hummed. “I don’t know but….” She picked up a cup full of pens next to his computer. “It ain’t writing utensils.”

He sighed. “Is it just me, or is he avoiding me? I feel like every time I walk into a room he’s running away.”

“No, I’ve noticed it too. I just… Don’t know why.” She shrugged. “Maybe he’s still dealing with all that Gray Flag stuff and he doesn’t want you to know. There’s nothing that man hates more than psychoanalysis.”

“Yeah, maybe….” Trey shook his head. He just couldn’t shake the feeling that something else was going on. But, he couldn’t do anything unless Walker decided to talk to him again, so he pushed it aside. “Anyway, wanna grab lunch today? I wanna try out that new taco place on Broad Street.”

Cassie grinned. “Sounds like a plan.”

—-----------------

Micki sat at the table and sipped on her mint tea. “Thank you, Abby. I feel like my stomach’s always in knots.”

The older woman chuckled. “Having a baby kicking around in there will do that to you. Speaking of, have you thought about names?”

Micki shrugged. “No. I know I should but…. I don’t know. It just feels like I’m labeling the kid before I even get to see them for the first time. I haven’t even asked to know the gender yet. And I was never the kind to dream about baby names so….”

Abby nodded. “I understand. Luckily for me, I had boys so I had lots of family names to pick from. Maybe we can get you one of those baby name books and you can just flip through and come up with a pool of names you like so you can pick when you feel ready.”

Micki smiled. “I’d like that.”

“Course… It might also help if you had a second opinion.”

Micki looked away. “I know,” she said quietly. “I just… I can’t right now.”

“You’ve been saying that for two weeks,” Abby said pointedly. “I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. It’s your choice when you tell Trey. But have you thought about how unfair this all is?”

“Unfair?”

“Well, for starters, you’ve put Cordell in a very uncomfortable position. Trey’s going to start working at Ranger HQ soon and he’s in and out of the office all day with training and preparations for that. And, in the bigger picture, you’re not giving Trey much of a chance to make his own choices. The baby will be here in less than two months and he has to decide how that’s going to affect his life. I know you won’t tell him because you’re afraid of what he’ll say, but not giving him the chance to say it won’t make anything better.”

Micki slowly stirred her tea. “I know. I know that. I just…. I don’t know.” I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t know how I’ll survive if he rejects me. I don’t know how I’ll live with myself if he puts his life on hold for this. I don’t know what I’ll do if it all falls apart.

“I know, dear. But you’re going to have to figure something out soon. You’re not the only one in this picture, and I don’t mean just that baby.”

“I know,” Micki said softly. “I’ll call him soon. I promise.”

“I’m not the one that needs your promises.” But Abby still smiled and pat her hand. “And we’ll be here for you regardless.”

“I know. Thank you.”

“You’re more than welcome.” The oven beeped and Abby got up. “Do you mind being my taste tester? It’s just some apple crumble.”

Micki smiled. “It smells great. I’d love some.”

While Abby plated her snack, Micki decided she’d call Trey that weekend.

It had to happen sometime. May as well be on a day when she’d have an excuse to lay in bed after.

[grey-rambles]

Of First Loves and Second Chances

Chapter Two

Words: ~5.5k

Warnings: Some swearing, but nothing else so far as I can remember for this chapter

Notes: Chapter two!! This chapter is the first one that I worked on about a month after Techno had passed, so if there’s inconsistencies in tone, that’s why.... Should I make a taglist for this fic? Do enough people want that for it to be worth my time?  Please let me know.

< Previous Chapter | Next Chapter >

Masterlist | Requests

Seven Years Ago...

It had been a couple of weeks since Techno’s abrupt disappearance from your meeting place, and everything had gone back to normal starting the next day. You had almost forgotten about the whole thing, to be honest.

On your way out the door to run some errands down in the market (and maybe pop in to visit Techno at his family’s bookstore...), your mother called out to your back from where she was seated in the parlour, “Oh, darling, hurry back! We’re having dinner with your betrothed's family tonight, and you need to look your best!”

You whirled around to face her. “WHAT?! You chose someone? And you didn’t even think to tell me in advance??”

You mother smiles slightly and takes another sip of her tea, apparently entirely unbothered by your outburst. “Well, darling, it is traditional for it to be kept secret until everything is set in stone,” she says with a small laugh, “Plus, have some faith in your father and I; we think you’ll be quite pleased with our choice.”

Staring at your mother for a moment, taking in her secretive (and somewhat smug) expression, you determine that she wasn’t going to break and tell you anything, so you don’t even bother to try. You turn back around and continue out the door.

Heading towards the market, your thoughts are racing to the point that you barely register your surroundings. Almost on autopilot, your body makes its way to Techno’s family’s bookstore, where you step inside and immediately make your way to the desk at the back.

It isn’t the figure you expect that greets you at the back. Fairly recently, Techno’s dad had brought on a young man, Alex, to assist the family in running the shop, and it’s him that’s standing behind the desk when you walk in.

“Um,” you begin hesitantly as you approach, “is Techno around?”

He shakes his head. “Nah, the whole family’s out today. Said they had some big event to get ready for or something.”

Silence falls for a moment, awkward and stifling, before Alex continues, “Can I... help you find anything?”

You shake your head, turn on your heel and walk out, trying to keep frustrated tears from welling up in your eyes. As you go about your errands, your thoughts ricochet wildly between two trains of thought; who your betrothed-to-be was, and what special event Techno’s family could have been preparing for.

Your parents knew you well enough that there’s no way that they would have gone with Jeremiah or Marjory, right? You had certainly complained about the two of them enough. Although... both of their families were fairly wealthy, which would have made them more appealing candidates. Caleb or Matthew wouldn’t be so bad, you supposed, and neither would Josephine or Lillian, although you had never been friends with or spent much time around any of them. The only person you could imagine enjoying spending the rest of your life around was currently missing....

Actually now that you thought about it, what could Techno’s family possibly be getting ready for? To your knowledge, there were no special events going on in town today, no celebrations at any of the temples. Techno was an only child, and you knew for a fact that it wasn’t his birthday, nor his parents birthdays. Could it be his parents’ anniversary maybe...? No, that wasn’t until the fall. A mystery indeed....

Shaking your head to clear it of the spiralling thoughts, you set course for home, errands now complete.

Upon arriving inside the front door of your home, you were approached by your very frazzled looking mother, who immediately chided you for having been out so long, before thrusting you into the bathroom to begin getting ready for dinner. A part of you wanted to snark back that it was only 1pm and that there was no way you would begin eating before six, but you didn’t think that it would be received very well, so you kept it to yourself.

After bathing thoroughly in the bathroom, you proceed back to your bedroom, where your mother has laid out some clothes for you to wear. You put them on slowly, grimacing at the fancy fabric and high collar, so unlike your usual comfortable attire. Taking a glance in the mirror, you’re comforted to find that the clothes fit well, and compliment your colouring; if you can’t be comfortable, at least you look nice.

Your mother enters then, and you allow her a couple of minutes to fuss over your appearance before you shrug her hands off. “It’s not gonna get any better than this, stop it.”

Your mother lets out a sigh, eyes misty. “I just want everything to be perfect for tonight, Gods, my little one, all grown up,” she sniffles, “Now come, darling, let me fix your hair, it’s in a right state.”

You suppress the urge to groan, taking a seat at the desk in the corner and allowing your mother to get to work.

Time passes by both incredibly slowly and far too quickly, and before you know it, you’ve been polished top to bottom, and your mother is leading you down to the parlour to meet your new fiancé. Your father meets the two of you outside the doors, a broad smile overtaking his face at the sight of you.

“You look wonderful, my dear,” your father says, “He’ll be blown away, I’m sure.”

You take a deep breath, steeling your nerves. “Let’s just get this over with,” you say, and your father obliges, pushing open the door. You file in at the rear, gaze on the floor. One last deep breath in, and you bring your eyes up to look at your future head on.

Your heart stops.

“Techno?”

Because that was certainly who was stood before you, looking a little awkward and uncomfortable in his formal wear, his parents flanking him on either side, much like your own were doing for you. His hair was styled in a much more intricate braid than usual, jewellery glinting on his throat and wrists, and his plain poet's shirt was topped with a waistcoat of brilliant blue. That the colour complimented your own attire was not lost on you.

“Uh,” he began awkwardly, all eyes on him, “surprise?”

You could do nothing but stare in shock at your best friend in all the world, and also, suddenly, your fiancé? A static sound filled your ears. Everything was suddenly overwhelming, the scent of dinner wafting from the kitchen, the feel of the high collar around your throat, choking you, the sight of those red eyes.

Feeling nothing other than the urge to get away, you turned and bolted out the door.

Hearing the shocked cries of your parents behind you, you pushed your body to move faster, to get further away from the overwhelming situation you had found yourself in, body moving almost on instinct out the front doors and into the street, towards the only place you had ever felt truly like yourself.

Seeing it come into view, you begin to slow. Walking the last few yards, you collapse to the ground underneath the tree atop the hill, legs like jelly. Eyes gazing over the river unseeingly, mind reeling, you finally allow yourself to begin processing what had just happened.

You weren’t necessarily... unhappy with your parents decision. The biggest thing, was that Techno had kept it from you. Or had he not known either? He certainly seemed to know ahead of time with the way he had responded to your shock. You trusted him completely, and tradition be damned, he should have at least let you know that his family had put in a bid! Did he not trust you to keep a secret?

A few minutes of silent contemplation later, you hear familiar footsteps approaching behind you.

“Thought I might find you here,” Techno’s voice comes gently from behind you. You keep your gaze resolutely forward, on the last vestiges of the sunset on the river, as he walks up beside you and has a seat. You deliberately move a little further away from him once he’s seated, still keeping your eyes locked on the water, and he sighs.

“I take it you’re unhappy with the situation then?” Techno asks, voice uncharacteristically serious, “I can ask our parents to call the whole thing off if you’d prefer. I just thought you might be happier with it being me than some stranger that you--”

“It’s not that,” you interrupt him mid sentence, still refusing to look at him.

“Well, what is it then?” he says, exasperated. “How am I supposed to fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong?”

Finally, you turn to face him. “You knew.”

He blinks, clearly not expecting the conversation to go in this direction. “Uh, yeah?”

“You knew, and you didn’t tell me? I’ve been agonizing over this for weeks! Did you not trust me to keep it a secret?”

“To be fair,” Techno says, awkwardly scratching at the back of his neck, “I didn’t know that the bid had been accepted until this morning.”

“But you never told me that there was even a bid in the first place!”

“I didn’t want to get your hopes up okay? If I had told you we were bidding, if I had given you that hope, and then someone else won, you would have been crushed! I didn’t expect things to move so fast once everything was sorted out, I thought I’d have a chance to let you know privately before the official first meeting!”

At your stony silence, he continues on, far more emotional than usual, “Look, I’m sorry for keeping it from you okay? But you just... you seemed so sad and stressed out when you told me about the whole thing, that I thought if I could convince my parents to bid, then at least there was a chance you wouldn’t end up marrying a stranger that you weren’t even sure if you liked.

“And besides,” he continues on, a little quieter, a little more steady in tone, “my parents were starting to talk about looking for a match for me too. It just made sense to suggest you-- at least I actually like you, which is more than I can say for pretty much everyone else our age around here. And I think--” here he pauses and takes a deep breath-- “I think that I could learn to love you. Like, romantically. I don’t right now, but I think that I could, if you’d give me the chance.”

You stare into his eyes, and find nothing but open honesty there.

Looking away, you mutter, “Alright, fine. We’ll give it a try.” You can practically feel Techno relax next to you.

You scoot a little closer to him, your sides almost touching now. Still looking at your lap, you begin to fiddle with the lace edging on your sleeve as you speak again. “I think I could too. Fall in love with you, I mean.”

Techno puts a hesitant arm around your waist. “Th-that’s good,” he says.

A comfortable silence falls over the two of you for a time, as you lean your head against his shoulder and return your gaze out over the water. After a time, Techno shifts around beside you and moves to stand, offering you his hand once he’s up.

“We should be getting back, it’s almost dark and I’m sure our parents are worried.”

You sigh, but knowing that he’s right, you accept his help to stand, then the two of you stand and begin to make your way back down the hill and towards your house.

After only a couple minutes of walking, Techno clears his throat, prompting you to look over at him. Refusing to meet your eyes, with cheeks flushed a very fetching shade of pale pink, he awkwardly forces out, “You, uh, you look. Really nice. By the way.”

You feel a matching flush spread up your own face. “Oh, thank-you. Um. So do you.” He nods stiffly in return, and you lapse into silence.

Nothing else is said as Techno and you make your way through the city back towards your home. You’re walking so closely together that your hands are brushing every few steps, and after the third or fourth time this happens, you take the initiative and simply grab hold of his hand, lacing your fingers together. You assume that he mustn't mind this, seeing as he didn’t say a word against it when you had first grabbed his hand, and the fact that when you had looked to him to confirm it was okay, you found his face flushed red.

About a block away from your house, Techno abruptly stops and tugs you into a secluded little alcove. It’s dark, only illuminated by a single lamp and a couple dim lights from the surrounding houses.

“Tech? We’re almost back, why did you stop us here?”

He fiddles with something in his pocket for a moment, eyes downcast, before abruptly thrusting a small square object towards you. “I just. Here.”

Taking it from him slowly, he continues on, almost seeming nervous. “It’s traditional to do this in front of family, but I thought you might like something more private. Once you take a look, I can put it back in my pocket and we can pretend that you’re seeing it for the first time once we get back. I just... hope you like it.”

Suddenly, you realize what this is. Slowly and with bated breath, you open the small box. Inside, as you expected, is a ring. Taking a step towards the light to see it better, you give a small gasp when the piece of jewellery is illuminated.

It’s made of silver, gleaming under the light of the lamp. In the centre sits a moderately sized ruby, vine like protrusions surrounding it in elegant swirls. The ruby has a small chip of diamond on either side, nestled in the twists of the vines. On the inside, you can see an inscription, and you tilt the box further into the light until you can read what it says; “For my Starling”.

Techno walks up behind you, appearing relatively nervous. “Alex—you know, the guy who my parents hired to help at the shop? Well, his dad is a silversmith, so he helped me out with making the mould and casting it. I designed it mostly by myself, with some input from Alex and his dad, and--”

You cut him off. “You made this for me?”

“Uh. Yeah? It’s traditional to gift a ring for a betrothal, but if you’d prefer, I can take it back and recast it into a necklace or something.”

“No!” you exclaim, clutching the box to your chest, “It’s beautiful, I love it.” Thrusting the box abruptly into Techno’s hands, you say, “Put it on me, please.”

His eyes widen. He takes the box from you and pulls the ring out of the cushion it had been resting on. The ruby glints where the light hits it; it almost matches Techno’s eyes.

“Are you sure you don’t want to wait until we get back for this part?” Techno asks you, “Our parents might be pissed that we went against tradition and did this without them.”

“Screw tradition. I’ve never wanted to wear a piece of jewellery more in my life, and if you don’t put it on me in the next ten seconds, I will rip it from your hands and do it myself.”

“Okay, okay. Message received, loud and clear.”

Techno gently takes your left hand in his own. He slips the ring onto your ring finger, where it sits, smooth and cold, against your skin. You take a moment to admire the way it looks against your skin, before a thought occurs to you.

“Hey Techno?”

“Yeah?”

“If you didn’t know that your bid had been accepted until this morning, how come you have a customized ring?”

It’s hard to tell in the dark, but you think he blushes again. “Uh, well. I was kinda planning on giving it to you regardless of who your parents chose...?”

This startles a laugh out of you. “What do you mean?”

“Well, like I said earlier, I can’t really see myself with anybody else in this town, so if your parents had chosen anyone other than me as your betrothed, I was going to ask you to run away with me. We’d get married in the next town over, and never have to worry about it again.

“Thankfully,” he’s quick to add when he sees your expression, “it didn’t come to that, so all’s well.”

And with that, he grabs your hand again, and practically drags you out of the alcove and over to your house. His ears, the only part of his skin you can see, are crimson in the lamplight.

Your parents are less than pleased with the whole situation, both you having stormed out earlier, and the fact that Techno had given you the ring without them present. Listening to your mother rant about “the gall of you young people, besmirching tradition like that”, you catch Techno’s eye from across the room, where he’s getting a similar talking to from his own mother. He rolls his eyes subtly, and you have to suppress the urge to smile.

Once everything has died down a bit later, you find yourself seated next to Techno on the drawing room couch. Moving close enough that your arm is pressed up against his, just barely, you look down at your ring again. The ruby almost dances in the firelight, and you think to yourself that you’ve maybe never been happier than in this moment.

Looking forward to your future, you were excited to spend the rest of it with Techno by your side.

It’s a shame you only got a little over nine months before everything fell apart.

The next couple of days pass in a blur of packing. Niki, a bubbly young woman who works for the army, has been by your side throughout, helping you to organize everything that needed to get done before you could leave this place behind. You were very grateful for her help, certain that you wouldn’t have been able to accomplish half of what needed to be done without her assistance.

Throughout it all, you had seen only glimpses of Technoblade. He was busy helping them break down the main military encampment, Niki explained when you asked her, which you supposed made sense, but that didn’t mean you had to be happy about it. He stopped by briefly each day around noon hour to check in on the progress you were making, but with so much going on, you didn’t have any time to exchange more than pleasantries with him.

There were so many questions that you had for him, namely, what had happened to him after your separation, but this was far too public of a venue for you to even consider asking him about it, so you resigned yourself to waiting until you could be alone.

On the dawn of the fourth day, you found yourself out of bed as the sun was rising, just as you had been instructed. The few personal belongings that you couldn’t bear to be without were packed into a small bag waiting by your feet.

You could see a horse approaching in the distance, though it was still too far away to clearly make out who the rider might be. After a couple more minutes of waiting, it became apparent that it was Techno, and you felt your stomach swoop.

He urged his horse to stop in front of you, before dismounting and shooting you a grin.

“Good morning, Starling. Are you ready to leave this place behind?” At your nod, he offers you a hand, which you don’t hesitate to take. He quickly helps you up into the saddle of the horse, getting your feet situated in a set of stirrups, before vaulting himself up to sit behind you.

You feel your face flush as his body settles against your back, pressed tightly together from shoulders to hips. Techno reaches an arm on either side of you to grab the reins, effectively boxing you in, and you feel your blush deepen, suddenly glad there’s no one around to witness your departure.

“All set?” he murmurs in your ear. You can do nothing but nod as goosebumps rise up on your arms.

Techno urges the horse into motion, and soon you’re trotting through town at a decent clip. Having never ridden many horses before, you’re having a hard time not getting jostled around too much, and it seems that Techno notices this, because he once again leans in to speak into your ear.

“You need to let your body move with the motion of the horse. Stop trying to hold yourself so rigidly, just relax.”

Taking his advice to heart, you slowly relax back into him, until you’re leaning your back quite heavily against his front. It is more comfortable to ride this way, you’ll admit.

You can hear the smile in his voice as he says, “There you go, that’s it.”

Pretty soon, you’re hitting the edge of town, and Techno urges the horse into a canter. The countryside flies by around you, turning quickly into woods, before you come into a clearing where the military camp had been.

The last of the tents look to be coming down upon your arrival, and a few men call out greetings as they pass by, though no one stops to chat. The whole place is alive with noise and activity; it’s a little overwhelming.

Techno navigates the horse through the chaos to the centre of the encampment, where he dismounts quickly and hands the reins to a passerby, before offering you a hand to help you down. You miss his warmth against your back immediately.

Just as Technoblade opens his mouth to speak, a smaller figure scurries up behind him and jumps on his back, screeching, “Surprise, bitch!!”. Techno barely moves with the impact, only to let out a long-suffering sigh.

“Tommy, get off of me.” He jostles the boy a few times until he jumps back down to the ground next to Techno, grinning broadly. “Go grab Phil and Wilbur for me, there’s someone I want to introduce you to.”

“No need for that mate,” a new voice pipes up from behind you, and two more strangers come and join your little circle, “We’re already here.”

“Is this them? The infamous Starling?” The brown-haired man peers at you curiously, almost uncomfortable in its intensity. You shy back from his unwavering gaze, just a little.

Techno must notice your discomfort at the scrutiny, because he’s immediately stepping over to you and pulling you close to his side. “Wilbur, back off. You’re making them uncomfortable.”

Suitably chastised, the brown-haired man takes a step away, raising his hands defensively. “Sorry, didn’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable. But you can’t blame me for being curious, ol’ Techie here has been talking about the mysterious Starling for years!”

“Don’t call me that, please,” Techno sighs out, already seeming done with this interaction, “before I regret deciding to introduce you in the first place.”

The others all laugh. You take a moment to observe their appearances, and it’s with a start that you notice that the shortest of the group has absolutely massive, black-as-night wings protruding from his back.

Noticing your stare, the older man smiles and says, “How’s it going, mate?”

“You have wings,” you blurt out, then cover your mouth, mortified. Across from you, Tommy breaks into snickers, which abruptly taper off after getting a glare from Technoblade.

“Yeah, I do,” the man replies, an amused grin on his face, “I’m Phil, by the way. Official advisor to his Royal Majesty here.” He gestures with his head towards Techno, and your eyes go wide.

“Wait, what?” you whirl around on your old friend. “What does he mean, Royal Majesty?”

Techno looks decidedly awkward now, bringing a hand up to scratch the back of his neck. “Um.”

“Did he not tell you?” Wilbur asked with a laugh. At the look of confusion on your face, his manic grin grew even wider. “Oh, this is too good!”

“I was going to tell them,” Techno protested, “But everything was happening so fast, there just wasn’t a good time...”

“Tell me what?” you demand, growing irritated with being in the dark. Pushing out of Techno’s grip, you whirl around the circle the four of them are standing in; nobody makes eye contact with you. “Will somebody please explain what’s going on here?”

Techno takes a deep breath in and takes one of your hands, looking you in the eyes. “I’m the Emperor of the Antarctic Empire,” he says seriously.

You let out a short laugh. “No you’re not.”

He blinks. In the background, Wilbur snorts into his fist, only to be promptly elbowed by Phil. Tommy, meanwhile, just looks confused and slightly offended.

“But... I literally am though,” Techno says slowly. You shake your head. Do they really think you’re dumb enough to buy this?

“No seriously,” he says, holding out his hand. There, on his finger, sits the insignia of the Royal House of the Antarctic. The boar’s head etched in gold gleams in the early morning light, and you suddenly feel quite faint.

Looking up to meet Techno’s eyes, you see in their depths mostly fond amusement, but also a hint of... uncertainty?

Taking a deep breath in and giving Techno’s hand a squeeze of reassurance, you utter the words, “Technoblade. What the fuck.”

Tommy bursts into laughter behind you.

“How? How is this possible??” you continue on, ignoring the antics of everyone else present except for your betrothed. He seems uncomfortable with the scrutiny, but still you press on. “What on earth have you been up to since I saw you last?”

Techno chuckles a bit. “It’s kind of a long story.”

“I trust you’ll tell it to me sometime,” you reply, and he nods to you in affirmation, a hesitant smile on his face.

“Let me introduce you properly to the three stooges here,” Techno says, pivoting around to face them, arm dropping back around your waist.

“You’ve already been introduced to Lord Phillip Craft, my most trusted and closest advisor.” The winged man gives you a little wave and says “Please, just call me Phil.”

Gesturing his arm out to the tallest among them, Techno continues on, “This is Lord Wilbur Soot, my head diplomat. He helped secure the peace deal that granted us your city without siege.” Wilbur smiles at you and extends a hand to shake. When you take it, he instead brings the back of your hand up to his lips for a kiss.

“Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” he says with a smirk, eye-line fixed not on you, but on the man standing rigidly next to you.

“Wilbur please,” Techno says, long suffering. At these words, the man’s smirk only widens. You pull your hand away, face blazing, and tuck yourself more firmly into Techno’s side.

“Moving on,” Techno begins, only to be interrupted by Tommy’s exclamation of, “Yeah, my turn, bitch!”

Unperturbed by the interruption, Techno continues on, “This is Tommy Innit--”

“The absolute biggest man ever!”

“—my personal valet.”

Tommy wilts at the description. “You make me sound so uncool, man!”

“It is an accurate description of your job, I don’t see the problem here,” Techno replies. Despite the callousness of his words, there’s a small but undoubtedly fond smile on his lips.

“It’s lovely to meet you all,” you speak up for the first time in a while. You would have said more, but you’re interrupted by the arrival of a man on horseback.

“My Lords, Your Highness,” the man says, bowing as best he can from on horseback, “the camp has been broken down and your carriages are ready if you’re ready to head for home.”

“Thank-you,” Phil says, “we’ll be right over. You’re dismissed.”

The man bows again, casting a curious gaze over you as he rides off.

Techno turns to face you. “Shall we go, then?”

You nod, and your group begins to head towards the edge of the clearing, where two carriages await.

“Can I ride in with you, Techno?” Tommy asks, wide eyed, hanging off of Techno’s arm. The man in question barely seems to notice the added weight, moving along with his eyes forward and a look of fond exasperation on his face.

“No, Tommy.”

“Aw, but why not? You wouldn’t mind, would you?” Tommy turns his big, blue eyes onto you, and you feel yourself being swayed.

You turn to Technoblade to say that you wouldn’t mind, and he rolls his eyes at the look on your face. Turning back to Tommy, who’s looking on expectantly, Techno says, “Fine. But if you pester them too much, I’m kicking you out.”

Tommy cheers, throwing his hands up in the air, and you can’t help but smile at his antics.

You get loaded up into one of the carriages to wait while the others finish up some last minute preparations before you’re off. Techno slides into the carriage across from you, Tommy throwing himself onto the seat next to him; you assume that Phil and Wilbur are riding in the other carriage.

Tommy keeps up a nearly ceaseless stream of chatter, while Techno busies himself with a hardback book he’s pulled out from somewhere. You can’t help but smile at that—some things never change.

Tommy spends the next couple of hours chatting to you about life in the Empire, and about all the places he’s seen while traveling with the Emperor. He talks a little about how he came into service of the Royal House, though it’s fairly obvious to you that he’s skipped out on some of the details, and a lot about his two best friends back at the palace and the antics that they get up to.

Other than disputing some of Tommy’s wilder stories with a snort or a head shake, Techno remains silent, eyes focused on his book. It’s obvious that he’s listening, however, due to how rarely he’s turning the pages.

Tommy’s come to a natural pause in his rambling when his eyes alight on something on your lap. Lightning quick, the boy leans across the carriage cabin and picks your left hand up to examine it.

“Yo!!” he exclaims, eyes alight with excitement, “Your ring is sick!! Where did you get it? Is that a real ruby?”

Technoblade’s head snaps up from his book. The ruby glints in the sunlight, just as bright as the day you received it, and he stares at it with a strange look on his face.

“You still have it,” Techno says blankly, almost seeming surprised.

You blink, uncertain. “Of course I do. I never take it off.”

Tommy looks between the two of you, visibly confused. He opens his mouth as though to ask a question, when the carriage abruptly shudders to a stop. Wilbur peeks his head through the window, saying, “Time for lunch!” brightly, before vanishing from sight again.

After retrieving some bread and cheese from the cook’s wagon, you retreat again to the safety of your carriage. As you’re finishing up your meal, Techno once again joins you. This time, instead of sliding in across from you, he sits stiffly on the bench next to you, arms just barely touching, and you’re instantly transported back to your parents' drawing room on that night seven years ago, back when you first received your ring.

Leaning further into Techno’s side, you rest your head on his shoulder and twine your fingers with his. He relaxes minutely against you, and pulls his book back out from a pocket in his cloak. As he’s opening it up, Tommy pops back into the carriage, and makes a face at the sight of you.

“Wilbur! I’m riding with you guys now, these two are being all gross and shit!”

You feel Techno huff out a laugh, before he finds his place in the book and begins to read aloud. Shifting around to get more comfortable, you end up nestled under Techno’s arm with your head on his chest as he leans against the side of the carriage; he never falters in his recitation during this, voice remaining even and soft throughout.

You close your eyes and allow his words to paint the picture of the story on your eyelids. This, accompanied by his heartbeat and the gentle rumble of his chest as he speaks soon lull you into a state of drowsy contentedness.

As you allow yourself to drift off to sleep, you once again think to yourself that, much like the night of your betrothal, you’ve never been happier than you are in this moment.

I hope you liked it! The next chapter will be up around the same time next wekk! So, that’s Sunday evening around 5:30pm EST. All feedback is appreciated :)

[vampiricgf]

also feel like dropping some crazy kita lore this morning because ive been ruminating on my upbringing or lack thereof the last few days

it's really damaging when nobody wants to tell you the truth about yourself as a kid. I knew there was stuff that was different about me and the way I lived, obviously, to kids around me growing up and I don't think adults really understand how much that bothers you as a kid

and obviously when you're a kid other kids are mean, it's just the way it is, but hearing jabs here and there about like why you don't have parents and why that makes you a freak really does harm you growing up

if everyone around me hadn't treated my parents like some big clandestine mystery it probably wouldn't have gotten as bad as it did for me. like I was showing symptoms of my mental illness as early as ten years old, which is a little crazy to think about, and everyone around me dismissed me as a "problem child" an "attention whore" or "just a bad kid"

the damage it did hearing that over and over is something I can't even describe properly. and when you're that young you don't have words like "mania" or "major depression" or even "suicidal ideation" to help people really understand what you're feeling. I was legitimately suicidal at the age of ten years old and it was scary because I had no idea why I was feeling that way or what it even was which just added to the strain of it and the endless loop of "acting out". like I would have episodes and they would call the cops on me

I was manhandled and thrown in the back of a car by officers no less than seven times. that did even more damage. a little ass girl screaming and crying out of desperation asking for her mom and the first instinct is to put hands on her and throw her in a car? like anyone with a brain can see that isn't productive in a situation like that but it is what it is

then as I got older it became more extreme, like with the arson charges and b&e. I didn't give a fuck because nobody gave a fuck about me. And then when I was 13 I landed in front of a judge that remanded me to counseling. that was the first time anybody looked at me and was like "no something else is going on here and it needs addressed". the deal was I attend counseling, zero missed days unless I was sick enough to be in a hospital, and then come back before the judge at the set time and if they said I made significant progress I wouldn't go to juvenile detention and I could get my record expunged at 18 if I stayed out of trouble. it also helped nobody was hurt during my little building burning

so my ass was at that office every single thursday for ten years. the mandate was only a couple months but I kept going for ten years. because that therapist gave a shit about me, the first adult in my life to do so

our first month of sessions were spent in complete silence. I didn't say one word to her for an hour every single thursday for a month. I was beyond resistant and defiant. and I'm sure any other therapist would've just pushed it down the line and said im not dealing with this off you go but she didn't. she was basically as stubborn as I was and it paid off because after that first month I started talking to her and then I never stopped. I kept that appointment slot faithfully despite being shuffled around from different homes that was my one constant and it was something to hold onto

idk but I think there's a lesson in there somewhere about taking kids seriously when they're very obviously having issues and to not write them off over and over because all you're doing with that is reinforcing that nobody cares about them or what they're going through and they will spiral just the way I did. and about telling them the truth. I know a lot of people thought they were sparing me some sort of pain by not telling the truth about my parents being in prison for things like dui, drug offenses, and violent murder but it wasn't doing me any favors in reality. I could've come to terms with it and probably moved on. sure my illness would've manifested sooner or later but I don't think it would've happened in quite the same way or with so much inner and outer destruction if I had known because usually during those extreme episodes I'd be sobbing about just wanting my mom while destroying shit. I knew I had one, but I didn't know anything about her and it was a real pain point for me

so idk tell your kids the truth about shit, you don't really know what someone can or can't handle and you could be fucking them up even more by keeping secrets

[parkswritessometimes]

Why did you Save Me?

Egotober day 6: Doctor I promise the story is related to the prompt!

TW: Mentions of Suicde, hopstial, sucidal ideation, slighty relgious talk

a03 link

“Why did you save me?” Those were the first words Chase said since the incident. Seven full days of silence and anger. He refused to let anyone touch him, ripping his hand away from anyone who tried to touch it. He glared at every doctor and nurse that were just there to do their job. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be anywhere. He should have been dead. He wanted to be dead.

Thousands of words flurried through his head. None of them with a hint of kindness. Words of hostility towards those who saved his pathetic life, words of disgust towards himself, and words of sorrow for his friends. But in the end that one sentence kept coming back: “Why did Henrik save me?”

Chase watched as Henrik froze. He turned around to try and meet Chase’s gaze, but Chase’s eyes turned back to the itchy gray sheets he was draped in. He couldn’t meet Henrik’s eyes. He knew they would be filled with kindness and tears. Two things of billions Chase didn’t deserve. He deserved to be dead, a fitting punishment for the hell he had created for anyone who dared enter his life.

“Because I love you.” Henrik replied “And because I do not think you want to be dead. I think you want relief.” Chase swallowed the lump in his throat, forcing the guilt farther down. He hadn’t felt emotions in so, so, long, how dare the first emotion his brain muster up be guilt. He wanted to be angry at Henrik more than anything. How dare he save him when he deserved to die. Every God in the universe answered his prayers for relief with one answer: Death. The universe wanted him dead. How dare Henrik play with the Gods' will.

“I want to die, Henrik. Please just let me die. I can’t-I can’t do this anymore. I can’t.” Bile crept up Chase’s throat, burning his heart. He was exhausted. Feeling was too much. Thinking was too much. Breathing was too much. Existing was too fucking much.

All of Chase’s thoughts stopped as Henrik threw himself onto Chase, holding him tight. He couldn’t remember the last time someone gave him a hug. A beautiful genuine hug. His best guess was the last time he saw his kids, nearly eight months ago. The dam finally burst and the flood waters rose up to Chase’s eyes.

“Chase, Chase. I-I am sorry. I need you here. I need you here with me. I don’t care if that’s selfish. Let me be selfish, Chase Brody.” Soft, careful hands ran through his greasy unkempt hair. Every movement was delicate and calculated, designed to show how much Henrik loved his little brother. Chase grabbed Henrik’s coat with what little strength he had, burying his head into Henrik’s blue scrubs.

“I-I want this to stop. I want-Fuck, Henrik.” Chase sobbed. “I can’t-I can’t keep doing this. Please just-just make it stop. Make everything stop!”

Knowing, kind hands cradled his face, as a forehead rested against his own. Henrik’s breath smelled like cinnamon and tobacco, such a disgusting, beautiful, familiar scent. Chase closed his eyes as Henrik’s thumb dragged over his cheek. Hot silver tears rolled down Chase’s pale skin onto the horrid blankets.

“I will do my best. We-We will get you a therapist, the best in the country. And-And new medication! We will-We will get you anything you want, anything you need, it is yours.” Henrik breathed, wiping his own tears away. Chase nearly choked on his emotions. Anything. His brother would give him anything, would do anything just for him. If they thought that it would make him feel better, give him just a smidge of joy it would be his. He didn’t deserve these people in his life. He didn’t deserve their kindness.

“Henrik I-” Chase’s voice cracked. He broke Henrik’s heart, what on earth could he do to pick up the pieces? “I-I am so sorry. I am sorry. I’m sorry. Please, I can’t-I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you.”Chase scooted over as Henrik shifted his body next to him. Warm arms pulled him close to Henrik’s chest, as nibble fingers rearranged the wires. Chase clung to Henrik’s hips like it was the only thing keeping him safe from the coming storm.

“You-You need to learn how much you mean to me-to us, Chase Brody,” Henrik whispered after a few minutes of silence. Chase looked up at Henrik’s gray eyes, they were absolutely exhausted. Twelve days of Chase in a coma-like state, then another seven of silence and anger. There was only so much that the poor doctor could handle.

“I-I, Henrik-” Chase started. How on earth do you respond to that? He knew his brothers loved him, but love was conditional. You had to be perfect, you had to bury your emotions. Smiley Chase, happy Chase, that was worthy of love. Depression Chase, sad Chase, that was unloveable, deserved to be thrown onto the street.

“I know-“No. No, you don’t. We-We love you more than anything Chase. Jackie is almost always outside or out on the window watching over you. Marvin is in a cleaning and magic frenzy preparing for your return.”  Chase shot a glance to the window, silently hoping that Jackie was just right outside like Henrik said. He deserved an apology and a bone-crushing hug more than anyone in the world.

“He isn’t here” Henrik chuckled as Chase buried his head back into his chest. “I sent him home. Been outside that window or that door for so long now. He deserved a rest.” Chase nodded silently before readjusting his position. Jackie always overworked himself nowadays. He deserved the biggest, best nap the galaxy could give him. Hopefully, Marvin would give him the good blankets for once.

“Henrik?” Chase murmured, breaking the silence.

“Yes, Chase?” Henrik hummed back.

“Thank you, for giving me another chance.”

“Yes, well, that's what good doctors are for.”

“That’s what good brothers are for.”

prompt by: @tracobuttons

[alwri-tes]

Chapter 3 of Splintertown, a free excerpt.

Chapter 3 

Kainma

Kainma was much lighter without her bags, which made walking easier, but it made having hope much heavier and harder. It wasn’t long before she realized she’d need water, and fast. 

Don’t panic just yet. There’s still plenty of thriving plants and animals around, so that means water has to be around here somewhere. 

Right?

“Do you know where water is? Water nearby?” Kainma asked the rat, who was still trotting beside her. It was sniffing a lot, and its little mind was very curious about the surroundings, so Kainma got the feeling it might run off on its own soon. That saddened her, but she tried to bring herself to accept it. 

The rat sniffed again. 

“Yes, water this way.” The rat jerked its snout straight ahead. 

“Good.” Kainma felt relieved she was on the right track. 

“Are there other rats nearby?” Kainma asked after a long pause where they walked in silence. 

“Yes. Why?” The rat asked. 

“I just wanted to know if you felt isolated. Because I do.” 

“Why?” 

“I have seen many plants and animals since leaving that town, but no people so far. It feels bad and strange, to see none of my own kind, or almost any sentient life all night so far.” Kainma was beginning to find it easier to translate her thoughts to the rat.

The rat sniffed the air again, then its mind rippled with an emotion Kainma couldn’t fully translate, but felt something like amusement. “You will not have to wait much longer.” 

“What?” 

Then she heard the footsteps. 

A person was approaching, and fast. They were too far away to get a clear sense of their thoughts, and their mind was a guarded one. 

Kainma felt a stab of panic. She took a deep breath and strengthened her mental wall. She took another and straightened her shoulders. She made sure her long claws were visible. 

The person was within her sight now. They were tall. Muscular. A dreameater. 

Some of her fear dissipated at the fact that they were the same kind, but she was still tense. She hoped they couldn’t tell. 

“Are you lost?” The person’s voice was raspy. 

Why are they TALKING TO ME- 

“No.” Kainma kept walking, avoiding eye contact. 

“All right.” The stranger said, satisfied. They paused, then said: “Don’t go to Splintertown.” 

“Will do.” Kainma muttered. Then she shot them an uneasy look. “What’s Splintertown and why should I avoid it?”

“You haven’t heard of Splintertown? Makes sense. Its real name isn’t Splintertown, and people didn’t start calling it that until recently. Don’t know what it’s real name is though. It’s this town where they hate nocturnals. It’s not even subtle. They won’t let you in, and if you end up there, they won’t let you out. My sibling’s friend had to spend a month in their jail. Do you know what a jail is?” “Yes.”

“It’s awful there, all the unkempt dream-plants covering all the buildings at night. But the humans there refuse to change, especially since something real bad happened involving a dreameater- what was it, like seven months ago? I don’t know. So-”

“Is it back that way?” Kainma asked, pointing behind her in the direction she’d come. 

“Uh, probably, if my memory serves me right.” “Oh.” Kainma said, putting the pieces together in her head. “Why’s it called Splintertown?” 

“Cause the place is splintered. Messed up. It’s been, like, cursed by a demon of some sort.” 

A demon? Kainma remembered all the stories she’d been told over the years. Translucent things that floated in the shadows of stalagmites and bit at the feet of people who walked by. Creatures that pretended to be painted on the wall, only to try and suffocate you when you turned your back. Batlike things that whispered horrible things to you in your sleep. 

The stranger seemed to sense her panicked thoughts. They don’t have demons like those up here, kid. Most demon stories I’ve heard are worse, I daresay. Stories of demons that take the form of a malevolent mist and fill up your mouth and nose and eyes, taking over your body. A couple communities I’ve run into up here believe that the souls of people who weren’t buried properly become demons.” They paused. “That’s why some folks are- why they have a lot of negative feelings about vampires. Think they’re demonic.”

“Oh.” She paused, digesting this information. “So what demon cursed Splintertown?” 

“I don’t know, and I hope I never find out.” They chuckled awkwardly. “But it must have been awful.” 

“So, stay away from Splintertown and demons. Got it.” 

The two of them walked several more feet in silence, until a small fork branched off the main road Kainma was taking. The stranger departed onto the smaller forked path without a word. 

“Can you smell what is that way?” Kainma asked the rat. “Water?” 

“No water. Just animal smells.”

Kainma mulled over the advice of the stranger as she watched them leave. Could that town really have been cursed by a demon? 

It would explain all the nightmares. 

A demon curse causing nightmares. It almost sounds made up. Almost. I’m in a place where a giant glowing orb moves across the sky every few hours, plants are bigger than people, and people who make mistakes are put in stone cells. Anything is possible up here. 

Against her better judgment, she mulled over the demon more as she walked. Was it a malevolent mist like the stranger had described? Was it something else? A giant batlike thing, or were those only exclusive to the caves? Was it like those four-legged furry things she’d run into? Was it a giant spider? 

That last one felt the most ridiculous, but it also felt strangely plausible at the same time. Kainma couldn’t stop a mischievous smile at the thought of the angry guard and the mayor being chased by a giant spider. 

Her mind upped the ante, and she imagined the angry guard, the mayor, and some of the townspeople who’d chased her being eaten alive by the spider. At the thought of the angry guard screaming for mercy, only to have their head ripped off by a pair of huge fangs, her smile grew.  

[sunmoonandeddie]

and he kissed me right here

pairing: modern!bucky barnes x reader

word count: 6,100

summary: I've always been sure that all I ever wanted was a glamorous life.

warnings: Cuss words, mentions of the Afghanistan war (Bucky is a veteran), angst, happy ending, cheesy romantic confessions, age gap

a/n:  This is based on the song 'Stars and the Moon' from Songs for a New World! It's the first one shot in my musical series! This is written in first perspective, but there is no physical description or use of a name in this!

Twenty-Two

I sighed as I tossed a few more dirty plates into the dish window, wiping my brow. After a shitty dinner rush and an even shittier rush around two in the morning consisting only of drunk ass college kids looking for some sort of carb to suck up all the alcohol in their systems, I was ready to go the fuck home.

“Sweetheart, you head on home now,” the head chef insisted as he watched my head nod slightly as I tried my best to fight off sleep. “Ain’t nobody comin’ in before Melissa gets here. No point in you staying on your feet any longer.”

Louis was a godsend. At sixty-seven years old, you’d think he would rather be anywhere but a diner at almost four in the morning.

“Nah,” he had said when I’d asked him a few months after I’d first started. “My Ginny died a few years back, and since she’s been gone, I don’t really have the stomach to sit around that house all alone.” He had laughed, but there’d been a deep sorrow that had come over his deep brown eyes. “Kids are worried, but… Sleeping the day away is better than laying up at night staring at her side of the bed…”

“You sure, Lou?” I asked even as I headed for the back room where all the employees clocked in and kept their possessions in their own little cubbies. I did my checkout in view of the security camera, just like always. I didn’t want anyone to be able to say I stole anything.

Everyone who knew me knew that I wouldn’t, but I’d worked at two many places where the girls tried backstabbing each other and sabotaging everyone else to get them fired.

Though people were a lot nicer in Louisiana than any of the other places I’d lived.

Louis chuckled as he set a to-go box in the window, nodding towards it. “Mmhm. Long as Buck is getting you home safe.”

I gave him a joking eye roll as I took the to-go box gratefully, grinning at my name written in all caps with green Sharpie on top. “You know you don’t have to make me dinner every night.”

“Yes, I do,” he said, shooting me a look. “How else do I know you’re getting enough food in you, huh?” He pointed his rag at me. “Now you go ask him to get you home. Tell him I said he can clock out, and that he’s supposed to text me when he sees you safe inside. You better not say you’re gonna ask him again just to walk yourself home.” The old man shook his head as I headed for the back door, muttering to himself, “Damn girl thinks I’m gonna believe she’s feeding herself good enough when she’s risking her damn ass walking home alone.”

Despite the fact that I’d put off asking for Bucky Barnes’s service, I really did appreciate how fiercely Louis cared about me.

It had been a real long time since anyone had cared so much.

I hesitated at the back door of the diner, my hand resting against the cool metal.

What if he said no?

Granted, he most likely wouldn’t. But what if he said yes, and he secretly thought me some dumb little girl that couldn’t take care of herself?

What did I care if he thought that?

“I don’t care what he thinks of me,” I huffed as I straightened my shoulders, holding my chin a little higher.

“Stop talking to yourself and get going!”

I jumped in surprise, before shooting a glare in the direction of the kitchen. “Stop listening in on my private conversations!” I demanded before storming outside with new found vigor.

Only to freeze when Bucky looked up from where he was sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette.

God, he was handsome.

“You okay, doll face?” He asked, his New York accent a sharp contrast to the southern drawls you were used to.

“Um… Y-Yeah,” I said faintly, glancing back at the door that I’d come in from. “Um… L-Louis wants me to ask you… Can you walk me home? Or give me a ride? I don’t… I don’t know if you drive…”

“I do drive.”

“O-Oh. Okay. Great.”

“But I don’t have my car on me.”

I peered at him curiously. “Oh. Um… I can just walk by myself. I don’t wanna… I don’t wanna be a nuisance…”

He stood up, tossing his cigarette to the ground and stomping it out. “Don’t be ridiculous, darlin.’ Come on. I’ll walk you.” He shoved his hands in his pockets as he began to head for the street. “Besides… It’s a real nice night.”

“Oh…,” I said in surprise at how ready he was to be of service. “Okay. But only if you’re sure.”

A faint smile graced his lips as he glanced at the ground, letting out a faint chuckle that rumbled deep in his chest. “I’m sure, darlin.’ But you gotta lead the way.”

I was surprised by the rapid pitter patter of my heart beat as we walked side by side down the street, the chorus of ‘Yellow Brick Road’ getting stuck in my head on a loop.

Bucky was an enigma that I found myself wondering about more often than not, but I always ended up talking myself out of going there. After all, he was an older man. A much older man. At least fifteen years older than my own twenty-two years, or something along those lines, not that he looked it. The man looked like some kind of rugged Greek god. Like Hades if Hades was born in the eighties. His dog tags clinked together under his shirt as we walked, his metal prosthetic glinting in the moon.

“So how did you end up in NOLA?”

It took me a moment to even realize that he was talking to me, my heart skipping a beat and my face going hot in embarrassment. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked.

His bright blue eyes flickered over to look me over. “How’d you end up in New Orleans?”

“I actually don’t know,” I snorted, avoiding his eyes as I kicked at a few broken up pieces of asphalt. “I just… Picked a bus ticket and ended up in one of the Carolinas. Then I picked another bus ticket and ended up in Minnesota. And then I picked another, and another, and another, and then I actually just… ended up here.” The months I’d spent alone on those Greyhounds felt both so long ago and also like it was just yesterday. “The diner was the first place someone recommended for food that’s good but cheap, and as I was eating my mountain of cheese fries, I saw the flyer that said they were hiring. So here I am now…”

“Huh,” he said, his brows furrowed. “I didn’t take you for the type of person to run off on your own… riding buses all over the country…”

Head tilting to the side, I gave him a long look. “You didn’t? What kind of type did you peg me for?”

Bucky gave me a long look, a single brow raised as though silently telling me that I jumped to conclusions. “Just that jumping from place to place can take a lot outta someone,” he said slowly, his voice low and soothing. “Hell, if you were my girl—” He broke off as his cheeks flushed a pretty shade of pink, his long hair falling in his face.

I swore my heart had stopped inside of my chest, and I swallowed thickly around the lump in my throat. “Oh?”

He rushed to try to correct his wording. “I-I just mean, a lady should be comfortable. And if I had a g-girl like you, well… You’d never want for anything,” he stammered, stumbling over his words like a flustered school boy. “Hell, I… I’d give you the stars and the moon…”

I was shocked into silence, staring up at him like he was the sun itself. “Bucky…”

“No, no, don’t say anything. I… I know that was a lot,” he insisted quietly, unable to meet your eyes as he stared up at the shitty apartment building you called home. “Hell, you probably don’t want a gross old man hitting on you.” His metal hand, glinting in the low light of the street lamp, reached up to brush against my cheek for just a moment before it quickly dropped. “Just let me walk you home each night so I can make sure you’re safe, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I breathed out, unable to take my eyes off of him as he took a few steps back.

There’s a somewhat playful smirk on his lips as he watched me stumble up the steps, continuously glancing back at him. “Goodnight, baby doll.”

“Goodnight,” I said, barely audible before I finally headed inside.

Bucky kept his word. He walked me home every night, and honestly, there wasn’t a moment that I wasn’t thinking about what he had said, about if I was his girl.

What if I was his girl?

But… with that meant I’d have to give up the life I’d dreamed for myself. I wanted luxury, to never worry about bills or where I was gonna get my next meal or if I could afford to buy the nice work shoes or if I could only get the cheap ones that would fall apart in three months and then I’d just be right back where I started.

I wanted the life that celebrities lived. Hell, I wanted to go to parties on the same yachts the Kardashian-Jenners did, even if I couldn’t fucking stand them.

And with Bucky… I wouldn’t have that.

“So why’d you go on the run anyway?” Bucky asked one night as we sat on the curb, eating ice cream in the Louisiana heat. “I know you told me how you got here, but you’ve never told me why.”

“You’ve never told me how you ended up here or why either,” I shot back, nudging his shoulder with my own.

Somehow the age difference seemed non-existent as we sat there. Honestly, I felt like we were just a bunch of dumb teenagers, shooting the shit and enjoying each other’s company.

Bucky took in a deep breath, his shoulders sinking in a way that made it look like he had all the weight of the world on his shoulders. “I was over in Afghanistan for a long time,” he admitted quietly. “When the war first started, I was 19. I had no idea where my life was going and I had no options except my dad’s mechanic shop. So I enlisted with my best friend, Steve. The one I told you about.”

It’s completely silent except for the sound of an occasional car horn off in the distance.

“Neither one of us knew what we were doing. We realized very quickly that we had no reason being over there, but… but there was nothing else,” he said, swallowing around the lump in his throat. The ice cream he was holding was melting in his trembling hands. “I didn’t know how to do anything else, so I stayed. Steve moved up in the ranks, but I stayed pretty low… I didn’t mind. Kinda liked being the older guy all those young kids could talk to, could rely on… Because they were just like me, getting into a fight that wasn’t theirs because they had nothing else.”

My heart was shattering inside my chest as I scooted a little closer, my knee knocking against his as I tried to give him some sort of silent comfort. He’d been through Hell and made it through.

Bucky let his head rest against mine, his eyes closing as he breathed in the scent of my perfume. “They eventually moved me to some kind of specialized team… Called us the Howling Commandos. I found out that Steve was heading it and he picked me to be part of it. That’s how I met Sam, because he was on some sort of similar team with the Air Force, except it was just him and his friend, Riley,” he continued, taking a bite of his chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. “I am proud to say that I didn’t kill a single person while I was over there. I just couldn’t. Hell, they’re people just like me, terrified and unsure of what’s going to happen.” His lips pressed against my forehead, letting it linger. “But then about five years ago, I was on a mission with the Commandos, Sam, and Riley, and… this bomb went off while we were playing a game of soccer. I wasn’t even in a fight. That thing took my arm and it took Riley.”

Tentatively, I let my fingers find his, holding his hand and squeezing reassuringly.

“Sam decided to come home with me.” There was a forlorn look in his eyes, as though he was right back at that game of pick-up soccer. “After losing Riley… he couldn’t find a reason to be over there. And then Steve decided to stay, and hell, he’s still over there, leading that fucking team…” Glassy baby blue eyes finally found mine, the both of us doing our best to not cry. “I couldn’t face my family for a long time, so Sam asked me to come stay in Louisiana with him and his family, and I haven’t left since.”

“Have you gone to see your family?” I asked slowly, almost like I was scared I’d frighten him if I spoke too loudly, like a wild animal. “Let them know where you are? That you’re safe?”

He turned to look at me, his baby blues shining. “You worried about me, baby doll?”

“I can’t help it,” I said honestly, unable to tear my eyes away. I hadn’t opened up to someone like that in so damn long. “I can’t help but worry about you.”

The way that I felt about Bucky absolutely terrified me, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. It snuck up on me, like a train coming around a bend.

I hated it.

“What do you want out of this life?” Bucky asked on one walk home, his arm linked in mine. He’d become so much more… tactile. If anyone took a moment to look at us, they’d think we were a couple on a romantic stroll.

Perhaps we were.

But I couldn’t help but grin as I looked up at the sky, taking in the warm air. “I wanna live like how the movie stars do… I want a big house on the beach and twenty cars and a yacht and… and…”

He looked at me long and hard. “And you never wanna have to worry about where your next meal is coming from, if you’re gonna have a place to sleep at night…”

For some reason, I’d felt a bolt of panic over whether or not he’d understand. Whether or not he’d think differently of me, but I should’ve known that he wouldn’t. Hell, he knew me better than anyone else.

“You understand,” I said quietly, my hand squeezing his bicep gratefully. “I want to live how the other half lives for once. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”

A small smile graced his features as we shuffled along. “There isn’t. But… What about love?” He asked.

“Love?”

“Love.”

Love.

Could I even have love? Did I want it?

“I don’t know if there’s a lot of room for love in my plans,” I admitted after a long moment. “In my experience, love has always just been a lie. A word used to manipulate and eventually abuse.”

Letting out a snort, he let his fingers tickle down my tricep until his fingers intertwined with mine. “I’d show you it’s not… I’d show you what real love is,” he said. “I’d give you every part of me, give you all my strength to help you grow into who you wanna be, even if I don’t particularly care about being famous or rich…” He brought my hand to his lips, kissing my knuckles. “I’ll give you a love story, a life, that’s a million times better than any recycled Hollywood plot… I’ll give you the stars and the moon, if you would just let me.”

I hated the way that he made my heart beat faster, the way my breath hitched. “Jamie,” I breathed out quietly, the two of us having stopped in our tracks to just… take each other in. Live in each other’s presence for a moment. “I…”

“You want a big life… one a lot bigger than little old me,” he said simply, shrugging. His blue eyes were so honest, so loving. So warm. A warmth I hadn’t ever experienced before. “I know. But that doesn’t change that I’m in love with you. And if you ever change your mind…” Bucky reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card, pressing it into my free hand. “This is where you can find me. I figure it’s time for me to go home.”

We’d come to a stop in front of my building, and I was shocked at how tight my chest felt. My eyes watered as I stared at him long and hard. “Jamie, please… I⏤”

“Don’t say it. It’s okay,” he insisted as he cupped my cheek, letting his thumb run over my skin as though he was memorizing it. “I just want you to be happy, darling. You got that?” His lips pressed to my forehead, letting it linger. “Go get that life you’ve been dreaming of.”

Twenty-Three

I left New Orleans the next day, grabbing a bus ticket after throwing all of my belongings into my old duffel bag. It was time to move on.

But God, did it hurt.

I didn’t stop crying for weeks, fighting the urge to go right back to Louisiana and tell Bucky to take it back, to get him to beg me to stay with him.

But what kind of life would that leave me with? Working in the diner day after day? Never getting anywhere?

But you’d have James, a voice inside my head reminded me snarkily.

Then again, he most likely wasn’t even in New Orleans anymore, if what he said was true when he gave me the business card of his father’s mechanic shop. Was he really planning on going home to New York City?

A few months later, and I’d worked my way all through the southwest to Santa Fe, where I met Pietro.

My heart was pounding as I pressed in the familiar numbers, having memorized them from the business card now soft and faded from how often I held it in my hands like a lifeline. “Come on… Pick up… Pick up…”

“Barnes Tires and Motors, this is George,” a man said in a gruff voice when he finally picked up. “How can I help you?”

“H-Hi, is James there? James Barnes? Bucky?” I stammered out, hands trembling so bad that the old payphone was almost rattling.

There was a pause, and then muffled talking away from the phone.

And then I heard it being picked up. “This is Bucky,” he said.

It felt like the wind had been knocked right out of my lungs. How had I gone so long without hearing his voice?

Breathing in sharply, I tried to figure out the words to say. But my throat was dry and it was like I’d suddenly forgotten the entire English language.

That was all that it took for Bucky to realize it was me. “Baby doll? Baby doll, is that you?” He asked quietly. “I…” He took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “You don’t gotta say a thing, sweetheart… But just know that if you’re in trouble or you need help or… or anything at all, you better call me…” His voice wavered, as though he was fighting tears just like I was. “God, I miss you so much, baby doll. I love you.”

I love you, too.

I hung up before I could actually say the words. “God, I’m so fucking stupid,” I whispered as I leaned back against the wall of the gas station I’d found myself at, rubbing the heels of my hands into my eyes.

My dumb ass had decided to wander from the bus station, and I’d walked over a mile away. Unless I was staying in Santa Fe for a bit, I’d need to start making my way back.

“You okay?”

In my distress, I hadn’t even heard the rumbling of the motorcycle or noticed the handsome man making his way to me. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” I said even as I wiped my nose with a pathetic sniffle.

He eyed me for a long moment, his eyes roaming over my figure. “You hungry? I know a great little place nearby. My treat.”

And well, I was never one to turn down free food.

Even if that ‘little place’ ended up being a food truck.

“You know, when you said it was a little place, I didn’t picture it having wheels,” I said teasingly, licking salsa off of my lower lip. “Though, it is the best food I’ve ever gotten from a food truck before.”

“Oh, come on. This is the best food of all time!” He laughed, shaking his head.

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” I snorted, finishing off my flautas.

Pietro looked at me long and hard. “So, are you gonna tell me what the hell was going on to have a pretty girl like you all teary eyed?” He asked, his head tilting to the side.

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “Was this your plan all along?” I asked. Wiping my hands off on a napkin, I did everything I could to avoid his eyes. “Get me all fed and then question me?” But at the same time, the thought of being able to finally talk to someone about it was so appealing… After a long moment of hesitation, I finally gave in. “I fell in love with a man, and he let me go because he knew that I want a life he can’t give me,” I said. “And I was a bitch who didn’t even tell him I love him back when he said it to me.”

Pietro took in a deep breath, slowly letting it out. “Damn. You really are a stone cold bitch, aren’t you?”

“Hey!” I indignantly threw a chunk of tomato at him, glaring. “I just opened up my heart, you dickwad.”

“Dickwad?!” He said, blinking at me in shock. “No one’s ever called me a dickwad before.”

I raised a single eyebrow at him. “Maybe not to your face, but they definitely have.” He gave off the vibe of a fuckboy, of a really, really bad fuckboy.

“Well, since you’re running away from your feelings, how about you spend a week or two with me on the road?” He asked with a grin.

I couldn’t help but blink at him in shock. “What?” I let out a laugh, pulling one of my legs up to my chest. “Do you throw that line out to every girl you meet? Or am I just special?”

Pietro threw a chip at me, and I barely managed to dodge it. “No, I don’t. But… You remind me of me. Needing adventure. A life bigger than four walls and a fence.”

Instinctively, I wanted to snap back that sometimes, four walls and a fence could be an adventure, could be the biggest life there was, as Bucky’s face flashed across my mind.

But I couldn’t do that. Not when I wasn’t ready to face the truth myself.

“Come on, sweet cheeks,” he teased as his foot hooked around mine. “Just think of it. The open highway, a rhythm beneath your feet… Nights full of passion and days of adventure…” Pietro’s voice was deep and husky, as though he was trying to lure me in. “No strings… just warm summer rain soaking us to the bone before we find some cheap motel to huddle down in…”

Plastering on a smile, I stood up and brushed myself on. “Thanks, but… I’d rather be drinking champagne, and the quicker I get to LA, the sooner I will be.”

He let me go with a kiss on the cheek and his cell number pressed into my hand, with a promise to come and pick me up the second I rang.

And despite how sweet he was, how wild and funny and charismatic, there was only one man I wanted to call.

Twenty-Four

I sipped at my martini as I sat at the rooftop bar, absentmindedly watching the television that was mounted on the wall as people droned around me. I’d been in Los Angeles for a year, and I’d spent my time finding the best places to find a husband who could give me the life I dreamed of.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, it took connections to build a career, and the best way to get a foot in the door when nepotism was so rampant was by marrying someone in the industry.

My silk dress was the most expensive thing I owned, something I’d saved up for months for, had skipped meals for. And fuck, was it worth it. I could feel the stares, the lingering gazes on the little bit of thigh that was exposed by the slit in the dress.

I’d already turned away several men, able to tell just from their expensive watches and cheap suits and shoes.

It was amazing how all the up and coming finance bros thought they fit in with the truly big dogs.

“Well, hello, gorgeous.”

I turned to see who was speaking, my heart skipping a beat when I realized who I was speaking to.

The world famous (or infamous) director, Tony Stark.

“Hello, handsome,” I said smoothly, my lashes fluttering innocently as I took a sip of my horrible drink.

I fucking hated martinis. Always had.

But ordering a martini was more sophisticated than ordering a frozen strawberry margarita.

“Is this seat taken?” He asked as he motioned to the empty bar stool right next to me, even as he was already sitting down. “Let me buy your next round.”

“I can’t think of anything better,” I said, feeling as though my dream life was already in reach.

Twenty-Eight

“Tony, where are you taking me?” I laughed as I let my boyfriend lead me to the private dock at our Malibu mansion.

Well, his mansion. I just happened to also live there.

It had been a whirlwind of a year since I had met Tony, and he’d bought me that second round. He’d taken me all over the globe, anywhere my heart desired.

But I made sure to avoid New York City, though he never understood why. I would never tell him.

Not when I was so close to my dream. I could practically taste it.

“Come on, come on. I have a surprise for you,” he said, keeping his hands over my eyes. He was sure to keep me from tripping and busting my ass, thank god.

The ocean waves were so comforting as they hit the shore, a sound I’d gotten used to over the past year.

He finally brought me to a stop, quietly telling me to keep my eyes closed. “Okay,” he said finally. “Open them.”

My eyes slowly opened, adjusting to the bright light of the California sun. But I was more shocked by the sight of Tony on one knee in front of me, holding out a box with a sparkling diamond ring in it. “Tony?”

The ring was the size of a fucking meteor. It was easily the biggest ring I’d ever seen.

“You know, I never thought I’d meet someone like you,” he said quietly, his dark eyes shining. But his voice was steady. “Someone who understands me, who doesn’t expect me to change into someone I’m not. You accept me as I am, and that’s why I want to give you the world.” He couldn’t help but grin as he nodded to the right. “Starting with that yacht you’ve always dreamed of.”

I hadn’t even noticed that there were two yachts at his private docks instead of just the one. The new one had SS Princess emblazoned on the side, and I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh… Tony…”

“So, what do you say?” He asked, bringing my attention back to him. “Will you be my wife?”

“Yes.”

Thirty-Two

Swallowing nervously, I looked down at the business card in my hand for the millionth time, the stock paper soft from how often I’d looked at it in the past ten years.

Hell, just how often I’d looked at it in the past six should’ve made it fall apart by now. Not that I didn’t have it memorized.

I’d finally ended my marriage after being miserable for so long. I’d gotten my yacht, my fancy houses, my career, all the jewelry that I could dream of, and none of it made me happy. Tony and I… never grew. And I never dreamed. Every day was the same, and every day was torture as I realized that I didn’t have the one thing that actually mattered.

The garage in front of me was busy, music blasting and the sound of men shouting to each other as they worked.

Suddenly I felt absolutely ridiculous wearing a Chanel dress and Gucci heels, an Hermés bag on my arm.

BARNES TIRES AND MOTORS was lit up along the top of the shop in bright red letters, though the lights in the ‘r’ of ‘motors’ were out.

I felt like a fool. I had wanted the life I had so desperately that I gave up everything for it. I got the movie star life, my name on billboards and my face on magazines.

But it wasn’t ever enough.

My heels clicked against the blacktop as I slowly made my way towards the front area of the shop, bells clinging above my head to let them know someone was there.

“Can I help you, ma’am?” A man asked as he came around the corner.

He looked so much like Bucky, it punched the air straight from my lungs.

“H-Hi. I’m looking for James Barnes. Is he here?” I asked after a long moment of hesitation. There was no way that the man was Bucky, but I didn’t doubt he was related.

The man raised his brows, wiping his hands on a rag. “My son’s in the shop. I’ll take you to him.” His full head of hair was white, his thick facial hair matching. Even with all the wrinkles on his face, he was a handsome man. Holding open the door for me, he led me into the loud shop, some eighties rock song blasting over the speakers.

I couldn’t help but smile as ‘Rock You Like a Hurricane’ by Scorpions came on. It was one of Bucky’s favorites back when we worked in the diner together.

“BUCK! YOU GOT A VISITOR!” The man shouted, causing several people to look our way.

My cheeks felt hot as I avoided their gaze, hoping they wouldn’t recognize me. I didn’t want to be a famous movie star anymore, a celebrity that had to beg for scraps of privacy.

My mind went numb, my heart stopping inside my chest as he stepped around a gray Ford Escape another man was working on.

He was even more handsome than he was the last time I saw him.

“Can I help y—” He broke off, his blue eyes going wide when he realized that it was me. “Hi.”

All of a sudden, everything I’d planned to say flew out of my head. All of the eloquent words I’d strung together were gone. And I just proceeded to word vomit.

“Did you know that, uh, when you marry someone you’re not in love with, you won’t… you won’t grow into it?” I asked, my voice shaking. “Um… I married a man who could give me a life I thought I always wanted, and he just… sucked.” Eyes stinging, I fought back against tears. “And I thought that all I ever wanted was the life I have now, was the life movie stars and the Kardashians lived. But… But I hate it. I hated every second I was away from you.” I let out a weak laugh, unable to stop the tears. “I wanted to turn around the second I got on the bus in New Orleans, but my stupid stubborn ass didn’t. I should have. I should’ve gotten off and just run right back to you because I… I love you, James. I always have.”

The garage had gone almost deadly quiet, and my heart sank when I realized Bucky looked almost frozen in shock.

“I know that I shouldn’t have showed up like this,” I scrambled to say. “But I… I’ve been trying to get my divorce finalized for two years and I finally did, and I kept telling myself that once it was done, I’d never hold myself back from what I really want ever again. From who I want. If… If you want me.” My face felt like it was on fire, my hands shaking. I shook my head as I took a step backwards. “What am I thinking? There’s no way you’re not married. I… I’m so so—”

Before I could finish the word ‘sorry,’ Bucky had closed the distance between us, his hands cradling my face so gently. He held me like I was made of fine crystal as he kissed me. He kissed me like his life depended on it, like I was the one source of oxygen.

And I kissed him back just as fiercely. “I love you. I love you so much,” I breathed out in between kisses, unwilling to let him go as my Hermés bag fell into the dust and oil on the concrete below.

Bucky smiled into the kiss, his arm wrapping around my waist to keep me pressed to his chest. “I love you so much, darlin.’ God, I’ve missed you…” His nose nudged against mine as we finally broke for air, both of us breathing heavily.

My knees felt like Jell-O as I held onto him. His grip was the only reason I hadn’t fallen to the ground already.

“I’m sorry I was a dumb twenty-two year old,” I said, snorting as he stole another kiss.

“No… Don’t be sorry,” he insisted, his fingers massaging my scalp as our foreheads pressed together. It was like he was scared to stop touching me, like I would disappear at any second. “You were young… You had to go out and make your own mistakes… I’ve just been waiting for the day you were ready.”

All the years apart melted away and all that remained was the two of us, two souls so intertwined that there was no way to truly separate us.

Our lips were half molded together as I said, “I’m never leaving you again. I promise I swear on everything…”

My heart almost stopped inside my chest as I heard someone clearing their throat, looking to see Bucky’s father staring at us with his arms crossed over his chest. “M-Mr. Barnes, sir…”

He gave a crooked smile that was so reminiscent of Bucky that I couldn’t help but grin back. “The Mrs. will wanna know if you’re staying for dinner.”

“Yeah,” I said as I looked up at Bucky, toying with a strand of his hair. “That sounds perfect.”

Later that night, Bucky and I laid in his bed, a mess of bare limbs as his fingers ran up and down my back soothingly. “What do you want from this life, baby girl?” He asked absentmindedly.

Humming, I traced shapes on his bare chest, sometimes pressing a kiss to where his prosthetic met his shoulder, on the tender scar tissue. “You.”

A grin tugged at the corner of his mouth, despite the already mischievous look on his face. “Really? Not even the stars and the moon?” He asked teasingly.

I knew he’d give it to me anyway, give me all that he could. But I was sure now that the only thing I wanted from this life was his love. “Not even the stars and the moon.”

[gretagolden]

like friends do | sam kiszka pt. 2

sam kiszka x fem!reader (or oc if you’d prefer)

summary: seven months after admitting his feelings for his best friend, sam returns from tour to discuss what happened between them the summer before | word count: ~4.1k

warnings: nothing much, a small bit of cursing.

notes: likes, reblogs, replies, interaction in general etc. are always appreciated! i hope this lives up for those who wanted a part two, thank you for your patience! if you want to join my taglist, just send me a message or an ask and i’ll gladly do so!

Sam didn’t know why he was shocked seeing her there, as if he hadn’t gone exactly because it was her favorite bookstore. It made him freeze in his place; he hadn’t gone home for the holidays and now that he had returned, it had been nearly seven months since he’d seen her. There was snow on the ground and the sky was grey, she looked like she always did in the winter – washed out and tired. Still, somehow, she looked peaceful, as if she accepted the deep set dreariness that came with pulling her black peacoat out of the closet every year with grace. She was still beautiful, and Sam was still in love with her. 

He tried to seem casual standing at the opposite end of the long bookshelf she stood at, pretending not to notice her as though he wasn’t desperate for her to catch his attention. At the far end, she smiled into the book she was pursuing discreetly, knowing the game he was playing. Sam feigned a clearing of his throat eventually that made her look over to him with a tilt of her head, turning her attention away from the book as she shut it carefully.

“I heard you were coming back to town.” She addressed him, smiling at him with a hint of mischief.

Sam let him himself get a good look at her as he nodded, watching her movements meticulously as she put away the book as if he was trying to convince himself she was real. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

She shrugged, sighing deeply, shoving her hands into the pockets of her coat. “It's been forty-eight hours, you know how much I hate looking desperate.”

“You’d rather me be the desperate one?” He asked 

She shook her head, “You’ve never looked desperate a day in your life, Sammy.”

Sam hated the fact that he couldn’t read her, hated that he didn’t know if it was a joke or something deeper, more problematic, in her words. If she wasn’t her, he would’ve thought that maybe it was an insecurity betraying her and bubbling at the surface. “Josh would disagree,” he offered instead.

She cracked an amused smile, “And when has Josh ever been agreeable?”

He returned his smile, and the pair fell into silence. Realistically, this is where they’d say their goodbyes and get on with their days. This was what other people did, you run into one another at a store and make enough small talk to appease social conventions. Other people didn’t have their bodies frozen in place staring at one another. Sam refused to tear himself away from her again. They weren’t other people.

“Do you want to – I don’t know – are you available? It’s nearly lunchtime, isn’t it?” Sam asked. He didn’t know why he was so nervous, she was his best friend, and he knew it wasn’t unrequited, but it had been so long. She’d made him a promise, but he understood how weird his life was, he’d understand if she hadn’t of kept it. She agreed, looking at him in a reassuring manner. She knew what he was anxious about, she wanted to reassure him there was no reason for it. “The diner is still shit?” He felt seven months of weight and anxiety lift off his chest. “Perfect.” 

He held the door of the bookstore open for her as they left, and she waited for him on the sidewalk to join her before they made their way across the block. They walked close to one another, arms of their jackets brushing against one another discreetly. Sam had the urge to reach out and hold her hand. He restrained himself, instead he asked: “So?”

“So.” She repeated, staring down at the cracks in the sidewalk as they walked. 

“Any boyfriends?” He asked, squinting out of borderline embarrassment over the question, hoping to just rip the bandaid now. If she said yes here, it would break his heart with pity before he got his hopes up any higher.

She laughed at this, shaking her head with a smile. “No.” She answered simply, turning her head to glance at him in a way that made his heart race in his chest. She nudged him in a playful manner, “Any groupies you’ve become partial to?”

He shook his head without a sense of irony, “Aren’t even any groupies that I’m impartial to.”

She let the meaning of the words wash over her, like some sort of all consuming wave had randomly rushed through the street and swept her up forever. She swallowed harshly, nervously. “You’re being serious, then.” She concluded, “there were really no girls?”

Sam nodded, every inch of his body on edge. “Ask Jake. It made me insufferable.”

“How are you then?” She asked, trying to steer everything back on track. She had been prepared for a lot of things, most of them the worst case scenario until another, even worse, case scenario would find its way into her head. It had been a long seven months. Nothing like this had ever crossed her mind. “Other than being insufferable, I mean.” 

“To be honest, it’s hard to stand here and be this close to you and not kiss you.” Sam confessed. He allowed himself to look at her, try to register what she was feeling. She raised her eyebrows, as if to say well, and a tight smile formed across her lips. She nodded once, slowly. “How are you?” He ventured to ask.

They were stopped at a crosswalk now, waiting for the street light to let them pass. She appeared lost in some thought, and then she turned to look at him straight on. “It’s hard to stand here and be this close to you and not cry.” She inhaled sharply at the last word, as if it was just as surprising for her to say it as it was for him to hear it. She didn’t mean it to be cruel, or necessarily even emotional, and it wasn’t – just honest, simple. 

“I don’t know if that’s supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing with you.” Sam admitted, brow furrowed. He wanted to hug her, but he wasn’t sure if she would necessarily want the same thing. 

She shrugged as the orange hand blinked away to the white crossing figure. “I don’t know. Sometimes I miss you so much it hurts.” 

Inside the diner, they sat at the long and narrow counter that faced the window out onto the street, bodies close enough without having to look each other in the eye. She disappeared away from their seats nearly immediately, leaving Sam to stare at the patterns of the table in between quick glances behind his shoulder to watch her order from the counter. When she returned, he gathered enough courage to look her way as she sat down. 

She sighed gently, and then nodded to the coffee cup in her hands, “this was the last cup of the pot – they’re making more for you, it’ll be out soon.”

Sam wore a curious expression on his face as his attention moved from the coffee mug to her face, “you remembered how I take my coffee?”

“I remembered your entire order, Sammy, cream and sugar and chocolate pancakes aren’t witchcraft.” She brushed off her next comment as quickly as she said it, “and anyways, it’s easy when it’s the same as mine.”

Sammy frowned. Her comments were slight, but he recognized them — the underpinning of herself. Like she wanted to make herself palatable by being both everything at once and nothing at all. The nonchalant disposition was a deflection if anything, and it hit and dug at whatever was really brewing at the core. She wanted to seem detached, like nothing bothered her – to protect herself, he supposed. That’s what hurt him, really, the fact that she felt she felt like she had to protect herself from him. They had the same order at the favorite restaurant they shared, and yet she still felt as though she had to shield a part of herself from him. 

“You don’t have to live in a state of impartiality, you know.” He told her, “You’re not difficult to love... I don’t know why you make it so hard on yourself.”

She nearly winced, like he’d poked her in a bruised rib, just in the right place and just barely sharp enough to hurt. She stared out the window, her hands wrapped around the mug. She was avoiding looking at him, but she could feel his gaze on her in her peripheral vision. She shrugged, “So you won’t, I suppose.” 

Sam huffed slightly, a deep sigh of bewilderment, “Haven’t you got it in your head yet that I worship you?”

She focused on the heat of the mug in her grasp. Sammy was just being grandiose, she told herself, that’s who he was. She shook her head dismissively, “There’s no need to do that.”

“I know.” He reassured her, nodding slowly with a swallow of his throat. He appeared as though he was deep in thought. “But if there was, I would.”

He said it so casually, so much so like it was just simply a fact of his life, that she didn’t know what to say. She almost felt guilty, though she couldn’t exactly put her finger on why. She knew any words she could try to say would just get caught in her throat. When a strand of Sam’s hair fell away from his face, she reached up to tuck it back behind his ear and only realized what she’d done when he looked at her curiously. She felt self-conscious at the blush that she could feel creep across her cheeks even though she thought she could feel him lean in just the slightest bit to her touch. She looked away again, and pulled her hand away from him. 

The waiter arrived with their food then, setting down a pot of coffee to refill, handing Sammy a pre-made mug and placing their plates in front of them before disappearing into the kitchen. She reached for the coffee first without thinking, refilling her mug only to realize when she’d put the pot back down that Sammy had reached over to up her pancakes after he’d done so to his own, an old habit he’d picked up from the time she’d broken her wrist and had never stopped afterwards. Her own nostalgia betrayed her, the corner of her mouth tilting up into a smile as she watched him pour the syrup over her plate absent-mindedly. 

It was only when he’d set the syrup container down and raised the side of his thumb to his mouth to swipe off the syrup that had gotten on it that he looked up to her and caught the look in her eye. “What?” He asked, pulling his thumb away from his mouth with a look of confusion until he realized, “oh, shit. I’m sorry if that isn’t okay anymore, I wasn’t thinking —“

She shook her head, eyebrows furrowed, cutting him off. Without thinking she interrupted him, “I almost went, you know.” She looked at him carefully, biting her lip down in between her teeth out of anxiety. 

“What?” He asked again, now frozen. His hand fell from its grip on its coffee mug. He knew what he thought she meant, but no — his mind was just playing tricks on him, surely not —

“When you asked me to go with you,” she said the words like they each weighed something tremendous, confirming Sam’s thoughts. She could feel his eyes analyzing every atom of her face. She frowned, at herself mostly, “for a split second, I – I thought about saying yes.”

“Oh.” He nodded, and she watched as the expression on his face morphed to match hers. His lips formed a thin smile, weary almost, as his eyes threatened to glaze over before he blinked them back. “And I suppose that's your way of telling me you’re in love with me?”

He partially meant to pass it off as a joke, if the serious tone in his voice hadn’t betrayed him. In all the years he’d known her, he never imagined she’d be the type to willingly admit feelings anywhere, let alone sitting at the counter of a public diner where people had a full view of them on display as they walked by outside. He was trying to give her an out, a rope to pull and banter off of. Instead, she studied the pattern of his sweater and the small specks of linen fuzzing out from its soft material. She leaned into him again, the side of her head nearly resting on his shoulder as she leaned into him. She nodded if only a fraction and closed her eyes as if she could barely handle it herself. She whispered just loud enough for him to hear, “Too much to function.”

He reached down to the edge of her stool and pulled it as close to his as possible so that they were as close as they could be. She reached for his hand under the counter gently, intertwining their fingers and pulling their hands into her coat pocket. They stayed like that, hand in hand in her coat pocket on her lap, as though it was a sacred secret between them and no one else to see. His thumb ran over her knuckles for the rest of the meal until they were ready to leave.

She waited outside the diner as Sam paid the bill he insisted on picking up at the counter. She watched the cars drive by as she leaned against the wall, bundled into herself as much as humanly possible. She stood up when the bell above the door rang and he walked out to join her, sliding a beanie over his head as he greeted her with a smile, “There you are.” 

She smiled back at him, the sweet smile he missed everyday while he was gone. “I wouldn’t have gone anywhere else.”

“Can I walk you home?” He asked, mostly as an excuse. Her apartment was a brief enough walk she could’ve done it with her eyes closed, but he wanted to anyway. Maybe he thought might get a glimpse into her living room, perhaps that at least still stayed the same. 

They were standing next to each other, backs to the wall besides the window of the diner. She nodded, “Is that what you want?” She looked down at the ground by his feet, studying his Blundstones.

“I want you.” He admitted, and he hoped it said everything: yes I want to walk you home, and I want to come inside with you, too, and I want you to tell me every second of what you’ve done since I’ve been gone because even though I’ve been all over this world that still isn’t as interesting to me as you are. 

She didn’t know why Sam made her feel the way he did, or what had changed between them when she’d stopped denying it. She had the sudden urge curl up inside his sweater, tell him he was all she wanted too. She didn’t know why she couldn’t, why her tongue felt like sandpaper trying to get the words out. She felt like she was grieving something, never mind that he was standing right beside her. Something had shifted, like she had to relearn how to love him again in a way that he was also privy to and not just within the internal adoration she’d held for him in her mind. She’d watched online — the entire tour, as people fawned over him, grasping at mere seconds of his presence. Was she not any better? The tension between them was something different now than it had been before. It was tedious and daunting, like a wall she was dreading to climb in fear of what was on the other side. She felt on edge around him, and it was a new feeling; one she hated.

She nodded and they walked the short distance together in a silence that felt like it teetered between comfortable and contemplative, and it was strange how exposing silence could be to the vulnerable. 

 At one point she’d broken the quiet to tell him, “I’m sorry.”

The words made Sam’s mouth flicker into a confused frown, “For what?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged, “A lot, I guess. Everything.”

“Stop that.” He insisted softly, reaching over to brush back some of her hair from her face carefully. 

She gave him a weak smile with an unreadable expression in her eyes. She thought maybe he was reading her mind, she was always convinced he could. She used to think that he knew everything she was feeling without her ever having to say it. Stop that, he was telling her, stop tearing yourself up inside over nothing. He knew why she was saying sorry even if she couldn’t articulate it. They didn’t say anything else. 

When they ended up at her front door, she didn’t even register pulling out her keys until she realized Sam had retrieved the extra key from its hiding spot. 

“Thanks.” She said, though she felt positively useless and ridiculously for being in her head. She watched him unlock the door and open for her to enter. She did so, and he followed her – just over the threshold. Sam shut the door behind him.

“Of course.” He handed the key back to her, and then awkwardly shoved his hands in his pocket. They stood staring at each other in silence for a time before finally Sam gave in, “What are we doing here? – I mean, what is this?”

She looked at him with a genuine expression, and then cast her gaze quickly to the floor. She shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Right, okay.” His voice was devoid of infliction, an overcompensation to try to hide his disappointment and confusion. “I’ll see you around, I guess.”

At first all she could do was nod, numb and bizarre feeling. He started to turn around and began to walk back towards the door and in a split second she reached out for his hand, “Don’t say that. It’s been months, Sam, the last thing I want is for you to —“ She finally got a hold of him and the quick contact of it made a pull of resistance that tugged at him and made him stop to turn around. She didn’t drop his hand, “at least hug me will you?”

He sighed, there was a unique kind of longing and sadness in his eyes. She could hardly look him in the eye and face the equally sad and desperate look on his features. He pulled her hand into him and wrapped his arms around her, “What’s wrong?” His cheek was tucked in against her head, and she could feel his voice in his hair. “You have to talk to me.”

She slid her arms through his, clasping up and around over his shoulders. She held him tightly, like she was afraid he’d disappear if she didn’t. “I’ve missed my best friend.”

Sam rubbed his hand against her back, like he used to when they were younger and she had a bad day. “I’m right here.”

She shook her head, and then, as if it explained it, said: “You didn’t come home over the holidays.” She didn’t pull away from the hug, too scared to have to face his reaction. She felt stupid over it, and worse – insecure. But it was the truth, they’d been walking on eggshells for months and when he didn’t come home, she figured he’d grown tired of it and resolved she hadn’t been worth it.

She could feel him still at her words, brows furrowing as if she wasn’t making any sense.  “What?”

“You didn’t come home – I thought you, well, I guess I wasn’t sure what you were thinking. I thought you’d changed your mind. There were all these photos of you on tour, and it looked like so much, and I just figured even if you hadn’t changed your mind, I had at least slipped out of it.” The admission tumbled from her ungracefully, full of stutters and trip ups, she hadn’t moved from Sam’s arm but she felt out of breath as though she’d ran a marathon, “I didn’t want to bother you. I didn’t want to wait at the airport for you with bated breath and then look like a fool if you’d come home only to have changed your mind… And then you didn’t come home at all.”

The idea of her greeting him at the airport infiltrated his thoughts so overwhelmingly he thought it might never leave. She wouldn’t have looked like a fool. God, that’s all he’d ever wanted — to walk off a plane and straight into her arms. 

Sam pulled back from her, staring at her face with clear confusion on his. “We talked after the holidays?” He’d spent everyday thinking about her – to him, the idea that she could ever slip his mind was ridiculous, even though he’d never have the courage to tell her that. Perhaps she thought the same thing, perhaps that’s why they were standing in the predicament they were in now.

She didn’t know how to explain it to him; she shut her eyes as if not being able to see him was some kind of shield even though she was still standing right in front of him. She knew it wasn’t fair, she’d been the one to convince him to go without her. But fear compounds, she’d gotten it in her head that she’d doomed herself.

“I thought you were letting me down easy.” She tried to keep an even temperament as if to not betray the way it really had made her feel — the amount of time she’d spent beside herself in worry overanalyzing every choice she’d ever made, “I was trying to salvage the friendship.” 

“I was being cautious.” Maybe he’d been overly careful, he realized, but he’d memorized every word she’d said in his bedroom that night. Everything he had done had been to honor that. She wasn’t one to want a lapdog, he wanted to give her space. “You make me nervous, that’s all.”

“You never get nervous.” She protested lightly. That was the one thing she’d always known about Sammy, his self-assuredness. 

Sam chuckled softly, shaking his head, “Yes I do.” He insisted, “I’m nervous now.” 

She studied his eyes, the shades of brown and honey blending together within them, “I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”

She swallowed. His eyes flitted down to her lips, and she knew he was going to kiss her. Even then, it hadn't prepared her. It was a gross underestimation to compensate for the way she felt that was so intense and all-consuming she didn’t think there’d ever be the words for it, but she liked the way he kissed. His hands cradled either side of her face, the pads of his thumbs on her cheeks and she clung to him, one hand grabbing his forearm and the other in his hair. It felt like waking up to the window open on an early spring morning and the soft glow of a favorite vintage lamp all the while feeling like it could make the earth stand still. Even in the summer, when it had been desperate and messy, it’s been like this; Sammy was all that mattered. 

 He broke away a fraction, enough for her to whisper, “you good?”

He laughed through a breath, “more than.”

She stepped back, suddenly aware of how close she was to him. She laughed with him, flustered.

“I’ve got a set of keys to the lake house, you know.” He says, an unfamiliar bashful shyness settling in him. He cleared his throat, “No one ever goes up there this time of year.”

“Right.” She responded. She bit at the inside of her cheek, attempting to curb her hopes.

“If I didn’t know any better I'd ask you to come with me.” He told her, fancying himself clever at the recall of what he’d told her the last time he’d seen her. A smirk fought it’s way onto the corner of his lips, “and, obviously, like a fucking idiot, I’d want you to say yes.”

She smiled at him, “This time, I would.”

taglist: @highdefkiszka​ @weightofdreamz​ 

[beels-burger-babe]

A Little Voice Told Me - Pt.2

Poly! MC Summary: Words hurt and leave their scars. MC learns this the hard way after hearing some not-so-nice whispers about them while on a date with Beel. How are they supposed to be the partner of the seven lords of the Devildom when they just don't measure up? Part 1: HERE, Part 3: HERE ***Good Golly!! Y'all really like the angst, huh? Here you guys go. Cry your hearts out and enjoy! - B*** Beelzebub woke up the rest of his brothers early the next morning. While most of them attempted to flip him off or threaten him at the initial disturbance, all it took was him saying that they needed to talk about you for them to shoot out of bed. In a matter of minutes, all of them, except Levi, were seated around the breakfast table. "If we're talking about MC, why aren't they here?" Satan asked while poking at a piece of fruit. "I don't know about you, but I personally don't feel right talking about them behind their back." Belphie scoffed and laid his head in his arms. "It's not like we're gossiping about them or anything. They were acting off last night, and Beel thought we should discuss what we're gonna do about it." Beel nodded, "They pulled into themself halfway through the night, and was upset but kept brushing me off whenever I tried to talk to them about it." Mammon huffed and crossed his arms. "Maybe they just didn't feel like they could talk to ya about it," he rose to his feet and began to walk towards the door. "I'm the first! I'm sure I can get it out of them, easy peasy! I'll just head in there and-" "Mammon, sit down!" Lucifer hissed. Mammon grumbled under his breath but did as told. Lucifer sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "We've talked about this. Stop bringing up the whole 'first man' thing. MC is in a relationship with all of us. Not just you." The second-born pouted and stabbed an egg with his fork.

Lucifer rolled his eyes at his brother's antics and looked back at Beel. "Something clearly happened during the date. Do you have any ideas at all at what it could've been?" Asmodeus stirred a swirly straw around in his drink. "I mean, I would be pretty upset if I spent three hours of my evening at a barbaric sporting event too," Asmo chuckled and smirked. "The only good thing about sports is that you get to see all those rippling muscles of the athletes in action." Beel scowled at his brother took a bite out of the omelet that was on his plate. "It wasn't because of the game. MC loves coming to my Fangol games and was having a blast with me until halftime. Something had to have happened while I was gone." Asmodeus opened his mouth to counter the statement when Leviathan came rushing into the room carrying his laptop. Lucifer raised an eyebrow at the sight, "What have I told you about devices at the table?" Leviathan shot him an annoyed look as he plopped down in one of the chairs. "This isn't about table etiquette. This is about MC," he looked over at Beel and Belphie. "I think I have an idea on what may have caused them to start distancing themselves." Everyone perked up in interest at the news; each one of them eager to know what was distressing their loved one so much that they felt like they couldn't talk to them. "Well are you going to tell us, or are you just going to sit there?" Satan quipped, his anger beginning to get the better of him as he sat on the edge of his seat. Levi gave him a flat look before he typed a few things on his keyboard. "I was doing a raid last night trying to keep my mind off of what might've happened with MC and decided to ask my party members about it," Leviathan's expression darkened as he began to explain. It was clear to everyone that whatever was said, wasn't taken lightly by the otaku. Rather than reading the conversation out loud, he turned his laptop screen for all his brothers to see. Leviachan: Gaaah! I just can't focus on the game tonight. My partner came back from a date tonight and has been acting kind of sus. There's definitely something bothering them, but they refuse to tell anyone. Ruri-Chans-Husbando: Dude, you're talking about that stupid human right? Why are you even with them? You shouldn't give a Normie like them the time of day. Waifu-Addict: Exactly! Listen, we've all been talking and you need to drop that whore. They're totally just using you and your brothers for your titles and power. The demons read in horror and rage as the chat room filled with messages from the members of Leviathan's party all saying similar garbage about you and degrading you in every way they could think of. Satan stood up and began to pace near the table as he used every inch of his self-control to keep himself from lashing out. "I want names, Levi. Who are they and why do they seem to think it's okay to talk about MC like- like that?!" Satan snarled as he curled his hands into fists. Levi tsked and crossed his arms, as Lucifer took the laptop to look more closely at the messages. "You say that as if I haven't already used my 'title and power' as Grand Admiral to have my men collect and imprison them. They're at the navy base waiting for us to get our hands on them as soon as we sort this whole mess out." Belphie growled, now sitting up and wide awake. "Get our hands on them is right. No one gets away with this shit," Asmodeus glared at the computer as though it had just dyed all of his clothing brown. "Rotten brats. They're all just jealous of stunning MC. Ugh, Diavolo, haters are the worst." Beel pushed his plate away from himself as he frowned deeply. "As disgusting and horrible as this is, what does it have to do with MC getting all quiet during our date?" A low rumble came from Lucifer as he handed the laptop back to Levi. A fiery hatred was burning brightly in his eyes as he gritted his teeth. "If a bunch of anti-social shut-ins are going around talking about our dearest MC like this, I believe Leviathan's point is that others probably are."

"Ouch. I wasn't going to say it l-like that, but yes," Levi winced and continued, "MC probably overheard people saying something about them. I mean, if people said that crap about me I'd probably hide in my room and not come out for months!" Mammon, who had been surprisingly quiet during all of this, had a very serious expression on his face. "Right, and we don't want MC to go through that. For Diavolo's sake, they've left alone to overthink this enough," Mammon stood up and headed towards the door again, Satan hot on his trail. "I'm going up to there to talk with them. Ya'll are welcome to come with, but you ain't stoppin' me." "Actually, Mammon, you're not. We should wait until MC comes to us," Lucifer interrupted. An animalistic snarl tore its way from Satan's throat as what little self-control he had snapped. Wrath incarnate lunged himself at Lucifer, grabbing his older brother by the collar of his cloak. "Are you serious, Lucifer?! You're seriously putting your stupid pride first, now?!? MC needs us!" Lucifer growled and pushed Satan off of him as he stood to size him up. "No. What they need is to not feel pressured to open up when they aren't ready! We can't make them feel like they can't come to us!" Mammon scoffed from where he stood in the back. "Oh, cause that's perfect logic! News flash, oh wise one, They ain't gonna come to us if they're thinkin' they're a burden! But you wouldn't know anything about that would you?!" Lucifer's eyes widen and he took a step back in shock at the statement. "What is that supposed to mean?" Mammon and Satan both opened their mouths to put Lucifer in his place when Beel all of sudden cleared his throat loudly. All three of the angry demons turned to snap at him but froze as they saw you standing in the room behind them. They instantly straightened themselves up gave you their full attention. The air seemed to lay still between you as everyone waited for the other to make the first move. As with almost every situation, it was Mammon who broke the silence. He took a step towards you. "MC, I was just coming to get you actually. There's somethin' we all wanna talk to you about." They could hear your breath catch in your throat as you took a step back. Panic filled your eyes the moment the words left his mouth. "O-Oh. I, um, I was actually just going to grab an apple and then head off to RAD for class. M-Maybe we can talk afterwards?" Satan frowned as you walked past him towards the fruit bowl. "MC, it's the weekend." You stopped mid-step. An uncomfortable tension filled the room as the obvious excuse was exposed. The brothers waited for you to move, to speak, to do something to give them any sort of sign for what you wanted them to do, but you just stood there, still like a statue except for the tremors in your hand. "Come on, Darling," Asmodeus spoke softly. His face clearly showed the hurt and concern that was coursing through him. "Everything's alright, I promise. We just need to talk about a few things." The brothers had thought of a number of ways you could've reacted to them confronting you. Lucifer thought that perhaps you would snap at them and distance yourself further. Mammon, Levi, and Asmo expected a few small tears followed by a cuddle session. Satan imagined a slightly more dramatic telling, like something from one of his novels, that ended him being your hero and massacring all those who dared speak ill about you. Beel thought perhaps you could talk over a bunch of comfort foods that allowed you to remain calm and feel safe. Belphie had hoped that perhaps you hadn't believed what you overheard, and the two of you could laugh at how idiotic even the idea of them not loving you was. But you, breaking down into tears, sobbing the words "I'm sorry" over and over again? None of them had expected, nor were prepared, for that. ***Apparently this is now going to be a three-part series. This part was interesting to write. I fully believe that if the brothers were in a poly relationship with the MC they would definitely bicker and argue about

who knows MC best and who had the better date whenever MC isn't around. Honestly, they probably have a score chart 😅 I hope you guys liked part 2! Keep an eye out for part 3, where MC finally opens up to the boys and we have some hurt/comfort times \uwu/ ***

[pettyrevenge-base]

Lie about having COVID to take six weeks off while I do your work for free? I’ll throw an all-office party to announce where you really were.

Mid-pandemic my boss disappeared.

Just as we were gearing up for our most challenging, time intensive, project in the last five years, he dropped off the face of the earth.

We kept working for a week or so without him because everything was virtual and the virtual work world was still so new, we didn’t really need him. We were delegating tasks ourselves and completing things on our own. We spoke to coworkers maybe twice a week.

But some decisions were beyond our discretion, so we could not move forward on those aspects of the project until we received a response from him.

After about 7-10 total days of silence, we called his boss’s boss, who informed our team that our boss had COVID so wasn’t able to work right now.

We took that at face value of course sent him letters of well-wishes and didn’t bother him with work stuff, or ask why he was able to notify his boss but not us.

Three weeks go by. Still not a word. We’re beginning to discuss amongst ourselves whether or not he’s maybe died. We’re terrified and horrified and so concerned. We’re contemplating calling his extended family. We’re sending flowers and care packages to his apartment.

Meanwhile, the project has descended into chaos because no leader was appointed in our boss’s stead, so we are forced to navigate several layers of bureaucracy in order to accomplish most anything at all (whereas in the past he would’ve just signed off in real time.)

Around week four or five one of our coworkers suggests he doesn’t really have COVID but is instead using it as an excuse to take time off. We all jump all over our coworker, asking how he could insinuate something like that, and lamenting about what a tragedy our boss is probably living through. People were chilly to him for days after that.

Week seven. We’re undertaking a letter writing campaign to upper management demanding an acting boss be appointed while ours is recovering. The project is a month behind schedule. We’re all working overtime every day, sometimes on weekends, without extra compensation, just to keep up with the cluster fuck of the boss’s sudden absence.

Week eight. He finally reappears, logging into a morning meeting as though nothing happened. He looks well rested, well fed, and has a tan. Not at all like someone who’s just come out the other side of a six week respiratory virus.

He says something quickly to the effect of “Yah, that was brutal. Glad to be better and glad to be back. Let’s get to work.” But doesn’t want to talk about what happened or answer any of our questions like, “Were you in the hospital?” “What was it like?” Etc.

Fast forward to about four or five months after this. My sister sends me a promo for a fairly new reality show (I’d never heard of it but it’s on a major platform) and says “Isn’t this guy a friend of yours or something? I swear I’ve seen him and you together.”

I watch the trailer for this show, and lo and behold, there’s my boss. Participating as a contestant on a reality TV show.

It did not take long for me to put the pieces together and realize he took extended leave to go on TV (that he knew he wouldn’t otherwise get during this massive project) and lied about it under the guise of a vicious disease that nearly all of us had lost a loved one to.

I sit and stew with this information, unsure of how to handle it. I know confronting him won’t get me very far, but I can’t just do nothing, right? I’m not close enough with any of my colleagues to discuss this with them and trust that they wouldn’t run off and send an all-company email about it.

So I slept on it a few nights and then the opportunity fell right in my lap.

I got an email from corporate encouraging teams still working remotely to plan “virtual social functions” to keep a collegial culture going and to stay in touch.

Among the suggestions were: game night, trivia, and… watch party.

With the premier of the show only a couple weeks away I got busy telling everyone how I’d been meaning to get into this show, and it’s so enticing and exciting, basically laying the groundwork to guilt them into coming to an impromptu virtual watch party off-hours.

I offered to get special shirts made up and send them to each person’s house. Whatever I had to do to get the attention of corporate.

Finally, I sent an e-vite to all my boss’s bosses, and any other members of corporate I could justify inviting without making a total ass of myself.

Because this is entirely virtual, my boss is unable to overhear any of the chatter. He doesn’t realize I’m hyping up this show and he doesn’t realize I’ve planned a watch party for it. I wasn’t inviting him unless he had the balls to explicitly ask about it.

I was hoping he wouldn’t have heard about it at all! Not until afterwards. That was really the only way this could work.

The night comes and I am screensharing the show to a whopping 64 people. A huge chunk of my department. Many members of corporate had showed up because I was the only person stupid enough to buy into their virtual social work party scheme, so they felt pressured to support it.

I was holding my breath, hoping this would go my way, bracing myself for some kind of curveball. But there wasn’t even that dramatic of a buildup. Right at the outset they introduced the premise (which included the contestants being in a covid-safe bubble in an exotic location!!) and gave a brief overview of each contestant.

As my boss was introduced, right down to what he did for work, and I could see people register delight and surprise… then go blank… just before sliding into confusion and rage.

The chat took a drastic turn from “Oh my goodness!” And “I knew him when!” And all sorts of pithy jokes to a brave member of my team (or perhaps one just pushed a tad too far by all the extra hours he pulled in this douche’s absence) sent the message, ”Wait, when was this filmed?”

My audience dropped from 64 to 58 to mid-30s, and by the time the episode was over it was just me and the other 15 core members of the team.

One asked if I’d already known, but some members of the team are very close to the boss, so all I said was “Well I definitely do now.” And wrapped up the call pretty quickly after that.

Perhaps one of the best bonuses is that you could already tell from episode one that the character arc the show assigned to our boss was “bumbling idiot”. He had his true colors on in full display and some production-massaging upped them to the 11th degree.

Boss was fired. My good buddy was promoted to his place. I am an office legend now (especially since no one is 100% sure whether or not it was intentional.) And it was all so satisfying that it was almost worth the dozens of hours of uncompensated overtime that led to it.

Source: reddit.com/r/pettyrevenge