#and now that I’m in a really good time in my life. it feels weird to revisit an old coping mechanism as a hobby now
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hiii😊 I kinda have a few questions about curly’s mom Ngl and maybe his dad. I think my first question for his mom though is….is she racist or just a toxic boy mom or both. I also kinda wonder like what makes her like jimmy so much. Then about his dad. Ik we don’t really know much about him but I just wanted to know like does he likes us at all or more than the mom. I also kinda want to understand curly and his mom’s dynamic. Like when it comes to the toxic boy mom is she trying to see the husband she wants in curly. Because it kinda just came to point where is like these weird boy moms are kinda grooming or being weird with their son. Or is it more of just she’s jealous like jimmy but they aren’t jealous in the same way. I guys my class question is just why did curly’s mom and dad and how did curly take it. Also sorry if this is a lot😭 happy holidays 🎄
author’s note hi! thank you for your ask. this is a long post and i don’t want to clog up the feed. so click ‘keep reading’ to keep reading lol.
content good luck captain
ok so, here’s the long answer to your first question 😭 as you’ve probably noticed i am a black writer and make it my purpose to write for readers who look like me. the mouthwashing fandom is still so new and i haven’t really seen any black reader stories for curly (or really anyone) except for @grimmsbride who i’ve seen writing for curly and daisuke (check them out!).
because i still want an audience to cater to (and i don’t know what demographic i’m actually pulling from my fics), i would say yes and yes to your question about curly’s mom in good luck, captain. i could definitely see her being prejudice to reader if they’re poc and is most definitely a toxic boy mom. whatever the case is for you, she’ll never really see you as the best fit for her son.
as for jimmy, i’ve mentioned he grew up with curly in happy birthday, jolene. she just sees him as another son just based on shared history and proximity. he’s family.
i haven’t thought much about curly’s dad and just now realized i probably should have included him and his reaction to the tuplar crash in best wishes, curly. i feel that curly really favors his father and i hinted in dream of fish that his mom doesn’t really like that. as it’s been previously mentioned, he lives in australia and had most of the custody over curly. i imagine him as a really chill dude who’s really really funny and charming and likes to explore. he’d probably get remarried to someone who shares his humor and sense of adventure. when reader and curly are dating, she’s only spoken to mr. curly a few times over facetime or skype. but he likes you and accepts you as his son loves you tons. he let curly propose to you in his home.
i would say that during the events of best wishes, curly, he didn’t come visit you in person as it was hard for him to handle the loss of his son but he did call from time to time. even when curly came back, it was still tough for him to see his son but he still maintains a relationship with him.
curly respects his mom but there is a limit to their relationship. he did go to school in australia and came to stay with her on breaks - he didn’t get to see her all the time and as he grew, he tries to maintain a healthy and balanced relationship with her. he got closer to her when he decided to go to college in the united states and she really takes advantage of their proximity. i wouldn’t say she’s grooming him. she left a marriage that she felt wasn’t perfect and would lonve to be involved in curly’s decisions when it comes to who he’s in love with. sometimes she’ll suggest the daughters of her friends from work or church bc she thinks they’ll fit in her idea of what curly’s family and future should look like.
over time, i feel that she would be jealous of reader bc she got the family that mrs. former curly wanted.
mr. curly and mrs. former curly just fell out of their rhythm. they were high school sweethearts and had the perfect white picket fence life and it just didn’t work out one day. after countless arguments, curly’s dad decided to file for divorce and mrs. former curly signed them in a heartbeat. obvs curly was confused and heart broken as his parents did a good job hiding their issues and he couldn’t fathom why they would separate. having to go back and forth between continents was stressful at first but it became a routine for him.
and no worries about the length of your ask. i appreciate your interest in good luck, captain! happy holidays to you too!
#captain curly#curly mouthwashing#captain curly x reader#curly x reader#mouthwashing x reader#curly x reader mouthwashing#black yn#black reader
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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goodnight tumblr
Fair warning the ramble in the tags is long af
#Quick thought before I drop dead from tiredness#I love my friends#and I kind of#I really love my life right now#Which is weird bc it’s actually really stressful time and I’m not really doing well but#I have friends#Good friends#and my blog#and I feel like a person again#I feel like I’m finally getting back to ‘me’ if I hadn’t been ‘best friends’ with a toxic bitch#She basically shredded my self esteem#Two years of that shit messed me up man#Not to mention my mother#But I think I’ve gotten to the point where I’m able to separate that shit from who I actually AM yk#And man I fucking love my friends#Both on and offline#But irl/in school friendships were something I was struggling with#And#yk it was fucking worth the wait#I love them so much#im so#fucking fucking glad I know them#Yeah#Of course I’m petrified of losing them like everyone else#But for once I don’t THINK I will#I’m not going into this with some morbid sense of doom#My ‘six month expiry’ date is not gonna expire bc im manifesting my way thru this shit#Anyway goodnight sorry for the ramble
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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might be tmi/dark, but kinda have come to the realisation that a lot of my problems, and why i’m like this™️, is because i genuinely thought i’d be dead before now. either bc i have been dealing with major chronic depression, since i was a kid, and the fucked up ideations that come with that. or from having severe medical issues in my early twenties. basically, i just thought i was gonna die, and i’m not and it’s weird to deal with
#being 25 and not having your life be the way you want is one thing#but also dealing with the fact that you thought you’d be dead before you were 18 is something else entirely#bc it’s just like ‘now what?’#and it’s not like i don’t still suffer from depression#like i literally have a depressive disorder#and so every time i get through one and i’m still alive it’s kinda wild all over again#bc i genuinely don’t really know how to live? i don’t know how to exist?#and i keep having to relearn every couple months#and it’s a weird way of going through life#also i became disabled a few years back and i had to not only adjust to being alive#but being alive in a completely different body#one that doesn’t work the way it used to and having my whole life changed#and it completely fucked me up#and continues to fuck me up like fucking every day#so again just ‘now what?’#and this year has been hard for me#and i don’t know how to react to the new year bc i don’t know what it‘ll bring#and i wanna be positive but i can’t help being anxious#even if it’s good it feels bad#if that makes sense?#idk i have a weird brain we know this#i also somewhat have a fear of death despite it all which let me tell you does NOT help matters#but yeah sorry for all the weird talk#now back to your regularly scheduled gwen#(i disappear or i post weird shit and no one knows which it’s gonna be)
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I started writing again recently and I’m going to add that back as a part of my personality
#writers on tumblr#buzzing#I was such a huge writer for most of my life#like ages 9 to 18. I stopped when I started college bc I couldn’t find the time/inspiration#but I have so many emotions right now and I’m drowning in free time and I need a creative outlet#I wanted to pick up something like painting or drawing or other art#and I tried so so so hard over the years#but I couldn’t make a habit out of painting/art. it didn’t feel as rewarding as I liked and I still had no inspiration#I tried to learn a new cheaper instrument#I played flute throughout middle and high school and I honestly really miss it#but I rented my flute from the school. because a real flute is#and it’s hard to justify buying a new one. plus I’ve fucked my lungs up now so I probably wouldn’t be able to play that well anyway#and I tried to learn guitar and bass guitar. and guitar was fun but it was my roommates guitar and I moved away :(#but whatever#writing was an escape for me during a really hard time in my life#and now that I’m in a really good time in my life. it feels weird to revisit an old coping mechanism as a hobby now#but I am so so so afraid of the political situation right now#so back to writing we goooo
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Hello! I watched your speedpaints on repeat when I was in middle school (like 6 years ago) and sometimes still go back and watch them for the sake of nostalgia and good music. I just wanted to let you know you’ve touched my life and left a print, thank you 🤍
Thank you. So so much. For sending me this??? The me who made all those youtube videos. Doesn’t exist anymore. Life got harder. In so many new and horrible ways. And that like. Spark to create kinda died. And also I had more important shit to worry about all of a sudden. But. Knowing that it left on impact on someone enough to send me a message. Years after I’ve stopped making them tho. Idk.. that means something.. I appreciate you didn’t forget about me! (/my videos lol. I kno u don’t kno me. My vids and art feel a bit like. An extension of me tho? In a way. But I kno that it’s not a 1:1 thing. My art an videos express thoughts ideas and feelings of mine. But they are not. Me. Just lil slivers of me.. Tiny lil portions from specific moments in time.)
Sometimes it feels like those videos were just a flash in the pan. A brief moment of attention and fame I didn’t grab onto hard enough… and now the moments long gone. but. I didn’t rlly want to grab onto it, I just wanted to make fun videos. And show off my music taste lol. And express. The music videos my brain would create in my head into the real world. And then I got too busy w real life kicking my ass. (Ps. life has now stopped kicking my ass!! It’s gotten better. Just. Not the same as it was before) Maybe I’ll get back into it one day. If I have any new ideas. Once I get stable and know what I’m doing. And get like an iPad or something so I don’t have to wrangle w my laptop lol. But yeah!!! Srry.. I’m rambling a lot.. this message just made me emotional ok! I’m being openly vulnerable in turn hopefully that’s not too weird lol. I’m happy my videos had an impact on your life!! That means. A fucking ton. Like. Words cannot properly express the weird happy feeling that gives me in my heart. Thank you so much!! For real!!! Srry for getting all in depth about my life again this message just!!! Struck an introspective chord w me!!!
#like.. god damn#I guess it’s like… when I think about back then. and now. it’s weird. it’s so so weird#but this rlly! made me really happy to read!!! Srry if my reply is inarticulate or weird I’m bad at words and this is like a complicated#emotion to express without getting way too sappy and introspective and vulnerable#so I gave up on not being sappy and introspective and vulnerable to try and express it!#but I probably still didn’t do it 100% properly lol. hopefully u get the idea tho!#so yeah. thank u lol#I hope u have a good life dude! from: the guy who made those vids u liked…#time and life are so weird.. I hope we all get to have good life’s. u ask person#me. anybody reading my tags. anybody not reading my tags. idk!!! I just hope shit goes well! and we can get thru the bad times!#and have a good time. bein alive. to the best of our abilities…#ok. I’m gonna shut up now. this has gotten sappy and emotional enough ghghg#thank u.. again… Srry for goin off in weird tangents my brain just felt compelled#I have comfort nostalgia vids I like watching too. that just. mean a lot to me. I’m happy. that my videos can give u that feeling!#assks#sorry that’s my tag for. responding to asks. I promise I’m not calling u an ass#idk why I made that my tag ghgh- lil me was fuckin stupid lol#I say that w affection but I def was ghg. ok now for real for real shutting up! thank u again!
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You’d think that with all this bike riding and lifting children off the floor that I’d be even more hungry, but no; I have the appetite of a little tiny bird???? The fuck
I don’t like it
#Maybe the bike riding is jostling my stomach too much… if my stomach is jostled I don’t want to eat#Or it could be the ADHD meds#idfk at this point#like yeah technically I’m hungry and know I need food but I don’t feel like eating. I’d just rather not. It’s weird#because I used to be the opposite: I wasn’t really hungry but I’d just keep eating until I got sick#eating mention#appetite mention#Maybe I’ve just been eating too much all my life.#Because the only two times I’ve had serious nausea or gas pains was after I ate the amount of food I used to eat#And it’s not like I’ve lost any energy; if anything I’ve gained some energy#(not right now because I stayed up until 12:30 AM after riding and walking 9.3 miles total— on my feet all day long)#I used to eat a LOT; like a 6’5” 400 pound lumberjack or something#uh Paul Bunyan type portions… like a big BIG man#of course I’m 5’4” with kind of a slight build so that was always very weird to me that I was able to do that#How I am now makes more sense; but at the same time I don’t like being like this at all#Because I’ll inevitably go from “slight” to “sickly” and I would really like to continue fitting into my pants#because pants are expensive and it’s extremely hard to find ones that are of good quality and feel comfortable#food discussion#food tw#weight mention#Here I am telling the kids “You need to eat! Take a bite!” and then I get home and act like a total fucking hypocrite#Maybe it’s burnout
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#so it’s late and I’m intoxicated and interested in sharing a secret that sober me would prefer I not share#but she needs to be more vulnerable and right now in this time the alcohol helps#just as a precursor- I’m a lightweight so I really haven’t had that much and I’ll be fine in the morning and also#my partner has a weird schedule and once or twice a week we like to have a drink or two and play video games or watch a show together#lately it’s been baldurs gate but tonight it’s coop stardew#anywayyyy~#sober Becca is too shy to say that she’s struggling a lot right now#I’ve been hiding myself away for a LOT of reasons for quite a while now and focusing on being the best mother/partner/homemaker I can be#but this has been detrimental to my friendships and spiritual life#as far as friendships go I feel like since I haven’t had the capability to be a really good friend to anyone since everything happened with#happened with dad*#that I shouldn’t be allowed to have friends at ALL#because if I can’t put 100% effort into my friendships even when I’m struggling I don’t deserve friends at all#but I have 3 very little kids and I’m pouring every last ounce I have into them#so maybe I can kind of have a pass and maybe I can have a friend sometimes?#as a treat?#because I love my family very much but sometimes I don’t feel like I’m a person within the family#especially during the holidays I feel like I’m merely playing the role of ‘mother’#idk…#this is rambly and doesn’t make a ton of sense#basically I’m wondering if I’m allowed to be lonely sometimes because being a mom is hard and lonely#or if I have to suck it up and wait until my kids are older to get to be a full person outside of them again#btw- this has nothing to do with them#my kids are my sunshine on the most cloudy day#they are so beautiful and wonderful and I am so happy I get to know them and guide them in life#it truly is a privilege#apparently I’m too long winded lol I just started talking about each of my children and what I adore about them#but it was too many tags and tumblr said no lol#oh well jsyk I’m crying rn because they are my pride and joy and even if I never have another friend again they are so so worth it
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more tagsposting because i’m having tweetable thoughts and i can’t tweet rn
#can’t tweet (not allowed) (twitter break) (i have a problem about that app)#i hope that like. it’s clear how much i’ve grown/changed in the last few years#i hope it’s not just visible to me#i feel like a totally different person from who i was in 2020. which was when a lot of my online friends actually got to know me better#and it’s so crazy to think of what i was like at that time. i was SUCH a baby#and there are some mistakes i’ve made that still fuck me up to this day 😭#so ig like. hey if we’re friends i feel really weird about that time in my life and in our friendship 😭#but at least in my view of myself a lot has changed for me internally. and some of these things are good!#crazy how you learn as you get older#anyways#this actually probably isn’t something i would tweet now that i’m thinking about it#but anyways. yeah reading my old journal is really insane#and i hope im still someone you think is cool. maybe more so now idk
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I was so obsessed with being a better friend to him that I didn’t realize he wasn’t trying to be a better friend to me
#like I would have breakdowns about how I never feel like I’m enough for him no matter how much I try#and now he’s mad at me for why? for having the same concern as his bf and questioning a psychiatrist?#I really just don’t understand and I honestly will never be a good enough friend for him#was I a perfect friend? absolutely not I definitely had my faults and still do I mean it’s near impossible for me to message anyone first#and that bothers him and plenty of other things tbh because we became friends at a weird time in my life that I barely remember now#so like no I wasn’t perfect I wouldn’t say I was good tbh but I was and always will try to be better but why don’t I get the same treatment
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#feeling weird#because I’m 26#my last friend is getting married this weekend#so I’ll be the only single one#and I really don’t have any desire to be in a relationship right now and people just don’t get that??#I like being single#it took me so long to get to a place where I’m comfortable in my life and comfortable with myself and I just want to enjoy that for now#people keep asking me when I’m going to get married#well one I have to find a partner first#but they don’t seem to think about the fact that I’ve been working my ass off in school to get a really good job#and now I’m focused on working so I can get a new car and a house#marriage is not a priority of mine right now#and whenever I tell someone that it’s like their brain short circuits#I’m tired of hearing of having to explain it or having people seem like they feel sorry for me because all my friends are married and#starting families#I don’t understand why people can’t just get that not everyone needs to be in a relationship all the time#and not everyone has the same priorities in life
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there’s no way to express that people keep randomly reaching out to me to talk daily and at length and keep pushing for my space in my life and i really don’t need or more importantly WANT that politely there’s no good way to say that politely
#personal#it just sounds awful! and it makes me feel kinda bad!!!#but people keep like contacting me and just#i’m responding but not reciprocating? if that makes sense? and they’re not doing anything bad by trying to make new connections#and if i really don’t enjoy talking to someone i should just tell them#but it’s not even that i don’t like these people or talking it’s just the frequency and again no good way to say#hey! i’m not really open to expanding our relationship rn. ur fine i like you fine but im dealing with a lot and dont need anything new in#my life in the moment. like no good way to say#and also i hate the ball being put in my court. you came to me. i wasn’t seeking anything i was just here#and then with several of these relationships from their end they want to vent or talk about something that needs real consideration#like art criticism or saying what i like or again venting and other stuff#and it’s like man i am. drinking heavily. i’m having breakdowns bc im not sure my mom is gaslighting me on purpose#i have a full#time job i routinely do OT for and a million other things#i don’t want to be anyone’s rock rn#at least not anyone who’s not a close friend or family#cause if it was any of my besties asking hey can you come to my house so i’m not alone :(#i’m on my way that’s barley anything#girl from high school i had one class with who i have never hung out with uh. no#i don’t want to go to ur house after a 12 hour shift#and there’s a very mean question of like. do you have friends ur closer wirh?#not even judging just like we are not close. do you have closer friends?#and then it’s hard to do replies bc like how are you graham ! how’s life!#i don’t feel comfortable telling you the intimacies of my life and struggles rn#but i can’t give the basic good and you bc you are actively asking for more than that#so i have to think of an appropriate response ask you back and now it’s a vent session about ur life#and then so much is put on you for something you didn’t ask for#like this girl replied to my insta story like can we play iphone games again :(#as much love as i can muster we are grown adults i was just at work. just send the game!!!#i know i’m the weird one here it’s just. a lot of people want relationships with me and i’m tired and don’t need or want more at the moment
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#man this isnt the worst i’ve ever felt or the loneliest i’ve ever been or the most scared i’ve been#but this is the loneliest i’ve felt in ten years and everything else has just stacked higher and higher into mountains of shit#and i’ve gotten better at handling it. a lot fucking better. but this is so fucking hard without the support that i intricately weaved and#maintained for the sake of my own fucking survival. but i got too comfortable and#idk im just scared of what comes next. i feel like i’ve burned everything that could’ve been anything and so now I just hope I can find#something new that I hope I fucking won’t destroy. idk i don’t think i’m the one destroying these relationships though. i know i’m#destroying myself and my own life but i dont think the relationships were my fault dude. i’ll go to the fucking moon and back for someone#i care about. i just can’t do that for myself. but i try and i try and i try for the people i love. and it seems like it doesn’t do shit.#i have no control. i dont even need control but i need to be a part of the fucking equation. i can’t just be a punching bag for fucks sake.#but it’s too much the second i’m anything but.#thank fucking goodness for the friends that i can really rely upon…god i just wish there were someone in the right time and place to help me#fuck. ugh whatever man. i just need to fix my shit and live my own life. this isnt the loneliest i’ve ever been and i can’t use friends as#a crutch#okay im done now. dont read this btw im really weird rn and just needed to type
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#every time I call someone my best friend they turn into a fucking problem that just hurts me and makes me sick#is it me? am I doing something wrong? am I not supposed to have close friends?#or am I just such a fuckup that by being myself it’s inevitable that I’ll ruin my friendships?#kissed my bro on the cheek last week when he wasn’t doing too great and in my mind I was doing it just as an extra way to be encouraging#and show my support and that I’m here for him cause tbh I’ve done that with plenty of other friends and it ain’t no thing#but after a week of wondering why he’s been distant and not wanting to be around me when I’m saying I just need some time with a friend he#finally admits that he thought that was weird and out of line. so I gotta backtrack and try to explain myself but now all the stupid little#pieces be fitting and I realize that he’s probably been misconstruing me wanting time with him as thinking I’m gonna try to flirt with him#or something else fucking dumb like that. despite the fact that that has never been the case and he knows me fundamentally as a person and#should know I wouldn’t ever do anything that could make either of us cheaters even incidentally. plus he’s basically like a brother to me#and I have an AFAB partner so it’s not like I’m trolling for cock anyway and he knows that too. but now I gotta go back through every#interaction we’ve had since that happened and analyze whether or not I was weird or awkward or inappropriate in some way that he could be#upset about at all. and also act like everything is fine and keep it pushing like normal and police every future action to be safe too#because of course he can’t just be straight up about anything or tell me if something bothered him no I gotta play a whole ass fucking#guessing game. and now I also can’t trust that my best friend who is supposed to know me so well won’t take things I say/do the wrong way.#can’t trust that my best friend won’t see me in a poor light now because it’s clearly been affecting the friendship#and like totally that’s my bad I overstepped a boundary I didn’t realize was there but you should have just fucking told me at the time#instead of pulling this shit and giving me anxiety and blowing me off and making me feel like shit#can’t rely on him or trust him or anything and what’s the fucking point of even having a best friend if this is what happens? I’m at the end#of my fucking rope right now so stressed and anxious and no matter how much I try to talk to him or anything he just brushes me off and#won’t let me explain or get my feelings out or anything else. but hey at least I was around for him the other day when he needed somebody#good thing I was there to keep him from going back to drinking or something else stupid and could help him out. cause that’s what really#matters right just being able to help somebody else when they need it even if they don’t reciprocate and are actively hurting me instead of#just being there for me as a friend. guess we try again tomorrow huh? what else can be done I suppose. just get to suffer and be riddled#with anxiety and stress and depression eating away at me and ruining my fucking life. can’t even enjoy the Olympics or anything else because#I’m stuck overthinking this dumb shit. just want this to be over and things to be back to normal. wanna stop being upset about this shit and#be able to let it go but I don’t fucking know how and I can’t keep losing friends because it’s killing me#personal
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