#and it’s hard to justify buying a new one. plus I’ve fucked my lungs up now so I probably wouldn’t be able to play that well anyway

[riot-grrlboy]

I started writing again recently and I’m going to add that back as a part of my personality

[skaterukedbt-blog]

Diary Card 2 (03/30-04/05)

03/30:

So, I still didn’t give J this URL yet, but I had bigger things to worry about. M went dark (probably?), and I might have been one of the last people to hear from her. When I told J about how hard this was for me, she said that she was angry for me. I guess I don’t understand why though. I mean sure, it isn’t fair for M to just disappear, but I can never get angry at her for that. I know that she’s a person who needs to be alone sometimes. I know that I’m a person that’s willing to wait for her to want people again. I wish I could just make J and A see that M could hurt me a thousand different ways and I would still only see that thing inside of her that I can’t walk away from. She could ghost out a hundred times and I would still search her out. Maybe she knows that, maybe that’s why she always gets back to me when she’s ready to. Sitting through group without answers was torture though, I kept checking my phone and messing with my necklace. I’ll need to apologize next week probably.

03/31:

Apparently B and R, the friends that met in the hospital, have decided to move to CA today and get married in a few weeks once P and I have the money to go out there to witness the wedding. I’m really happy for them, and I’m really hopeful that everything will come together for an epic CA road trip. More good news: I heard from M, and I felt like someone stopped squeezing my lungs. We actually talked on the phone, and I missed her voice so much. It doesn’t matter what we talk about, I can close my eyes and just listen to her talk forever. But she said a lot of things that indicate that we’re both at similar points right now, with wanting to get our lives together. She’s thinking that she’s coming back to the states soon, but not to TX. I didn’t remind her of that evening on her back porch when I promised that I’d follow her anywhere if she’d let me. But if she decides that she wants me to join her, I think we could enjoy the Pacific Northwest. If she doesn’t, then I think that she could enjoy the Pacific Northwest, and I would enjoy her happiness. I’m just so happy that I found a way to contact her and she was able to spare a few minutes for a call.

04/01:

Today felt like a very strange day, but it was still good. The weather finally cleared up which gave me the chance to actually go longboarding again, instead of just watching videos and reading tips online like I was reduced to for the last two days. I started my day by rearranging all of my furniture so that I could move the chair closer to the window so my cat could see out better, which actually made both of us happier. I’ve always bought light (cheap) furniture for this reason: nothing brings me more peace than making a space feel totally different on a whim. I also got to play the ukulele, which I might be slightly improving at. I’ve been thinking about increasing the amount of time I practice daily from 20 to 60 minutes, because that’s really where the most progress starts to happen for me. Plus, it’s therapeutic, so I might as well spend more time doing it. I’ve been thinking a lot about money today too, so I’ll post something about that before I go in to work so I can get that out of my head, it feels like it might be the most effective thing to do. 

04/02:

I got off of work at 9, and I’m going back in at 6 to work a double. I’m so tired, that even trying to longboard and practice ukulele were total disasters. I like money, but I remember now how it felt when I was working two jobs and didn’t feel like I actually existed anymore.

04/03:

When I got out of work a little past 8 this morning, I was so freaking ready to leave SNS. I worked with one coworker, D, who I got off to a really bad start with, I actually complained about her twice. Those complaints were justified, but she made an effort today to try to connect with me and get back into my good graces, so I’m giving her another chance. Working a dinner shift always makes me kind of bitter though, because I usually find myself doing most of the dirty work while everyone else just collects their tips and texts their friends. In all honesty though, I’ve felt that way at a lot of jobs, and that’s why I’ve always liked working third shifts. If I’m going to do all of the work, I might as well get to do it my way and enjoy some peace and quiet. Anyway, after I got off of work I still had to go wash my work uniforms to go back to work tonight, so I ended up napping at my grandma’s house, which I hate doing because I hate being there when C is there and I love my grandma, but I hate how she tries to help me with my laundry. I like my stuff washed a certain way, I like using the laundry products I like using that don’t irritate my skin, and I like folding my own clothes because she doesn’t fold right. I love her, but we’ve never agreed on laundry. After I finally got home though, I got to take a very earned shower, have a good ukulele practice, watch some longboard videos, and then went to bed for a few hours. Also, today at one point M sent me the kiss/heart emoji, which made me transcend to a new level of queer. I’m trying not to read too much into it.

04/04:

Today has been a particularly challenging day for me. I was okay at work this morning, but I don’t know how much I like the grill cook that’s moving from second shift to my thirds. He’s helpful, but he’s entitled, and he’s pushy. Yeah, I appreciate you bussing my tables, but I didn’t ask you to, so don’t get up in my shit about how I should learn how to do the grill. Motherfucker I already do your shakes, and jump on fry station when I have to. We can help each other, but I’m still service and you’re still production. We get paid differently, so no, unless I’m going to make your $10/hour, I’m not about to go sweat over a grill on top of all my own work (and the stuff I help out with that I actually don’t have to). Plus, he made F feel like he was taking too much of my time, which didn’t sit well with me. Whatever, I got back to my house, and my sister begged me to go buy her McDonald’s, and I did, even though I was exhausted, and then still treated me like shit when I got back. I don’t think it’s asking a lot to not have to hear every line of dialogue on her shitty shows and her talking shit to the cats when I’m trying to sleep, especially because I always try to be so fucking quiet when everyone else is sleeping. I woke up pissed off, and not well-rested, so I drove around (actually out towards Holt, I guess now I autopilot towards therapy). Of course, I got back from my drive, and my sister immediately starts asking where I was, I told her not to fucking worry about it, she asks why, I told her I was pissed off, she escalated the situation, and I went upstairs until I had to go back to work. I had issues this morning too with my eating, I want to stop again. I might stop for a few days just until things calm down. Or I’ll just eat on plasma days, and not the other ones, or go back to just protein shakes. I don’t fucking know, I just can’t handle eating right now. I was doing okay with it but shit’s fucked lately. I want drinks, a spliff, and to know what the hell is going on with my life. I’m so frustrated. I haven’t been able to skate most of the past week, I’m stressed out, I’m lonely, and jesus fucking christ would it kill someone to just sit quietly with me for once, instead of the other way around.

04/05:

Today when I got off of work, I made going on a skate a priority, seeing as how I was losing my shit all night. I told S that if I could just work all day every day, and only be off for therapy, I would be so happy to never go back to my house. I definitely had a lot of anger going on, and it hit a level that was no longer work-appropriate. I not only half-assed punched a wall twice (I say half-assed because I could have hit a lot harder but really just needed to get some aggression out on the metal trim guards), but I threw a ketchup bottle in front of A. Not at A, but it definitely went past him so he witnessed that little outburst. I wasn’t angry about the ketchup though, I was angry about my life, and the ketchup wasn’t helping. I know he told one of the other servers he was on the phone with, so I guess I hope that it doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass, but I’ll deserve it if it does. The morning skate helped though, because even though it was pretty cold, the weather hadn’t turned rainy yet and I got to be outside and explore a little farther into the neighborhood. There’s something about going a little too fast and being a little too unstable on a board that just really calms me down and empties my mind. I didn’t wipe out, but it���s the feeling of coming close to losing your brains and not that washes away the petty crap. The rest of my ride was pretty flat, but still demanded full attention. I also got some uke practice in. The yousician training is starting to get a bit more challenging, and I haven’t upgraded yet to have more time to practice their stuff because I’m cheap, so I’ll need to find some more videos or something to supplement that. Besides that, I ended up getting called in to work because the same girl I always cover for called in again. I was a bit upset because I had just settled in with Orphan Black, but I guess it’s more money, and a reason to leave the house.