#and now people want me to be open and honest and emotionally available

[extradimensionalsystem]

the desire to be the kind of person that can love myself vs. the absolute shame i have over the nature of my existence as someone born and raised into such horrible evil groups

[curseddollfaye]

toxic baby daddy! toji x reader headcanon

ᥫ᭡ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT! ty! please let me know what you think! ^.^ requests are currently open!! ᥫ᭡

masterlist

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:· ੈ✩‧·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:· *ੈ✩‧₊˚

- you meet him through a friend of a friend. Your bestfriend Moonie insisting that you need to find someone! Although you had no issue in the looks department by any means. Men that tended to try and get your attention were just..meh. You knew what you wanted in a man and none of them could provide you with that.

- well, until you met him of course. you remember clear as day. Sitting in a very expensive restaurant where you were told to meet him at. Glancing around you expected a middle aged man to be your date. Probably expecting you to open your legs just because of where he planned to dine you. hah…

- and then he walked in , tall. 6’1 to be more precise. green eyes bore into yours as soon as he walked in. a scar decorated the corner of his right lip. and god was he muscular…so muscular. your legs might have squeezed shut instinctively

al

- if there was video recording of your face the entire night you might as well have the ground open up and swallow you hole. hearts practically taking your pupils face. you learned so much in such little time. his grin was surreal, the way the veins in his hands popped out whenever he grabbed hold of his steak knife to cut into his food.

- “So tell me a little bit about yourself sweetheart, I love hearing a pretty woman talk”

- safe to say you were a goner pretty quickly.

- and the feelings were mutual between you and him. you had him with your heel in his chest from the get go.

- long story short, you ended up dating not too long after. you learned about his ex wife who tragically passed away. you learned that he had a son named Megumi who was just shy of 3 when you met him, you learned Toji was a very wealthy business owner. Casinos and Clubs all across the country.

- He was older than you, but that didn’t bother you one bit.

- you ended up getting pregnant after two years of dating.

- splitting up wasn’t on your bucket list. But a few months after your daughter turned 3 months you had found some pictures hidden in Tojis wallet as you were grabbing his card to pay for family’s take-out dinner. His ex girlfriends face decorating each and every one of them, and her tits staring right back at you.

- a huge argument ensued. “Tch…come on baby. ‘Yer overreacting over something that doesn’t need it…” as soon as the words left his mouth he regretted them. your tear stained face was something he will never forget. Your beautiful smile replaced by something close to betrayal. To be honest Toji didn’t know how he would have reacted if the situation was flipped. He knew he fucked up. He just didn’t really know how to say sorry.

- he did feel bad. All they were, were just some silly Polaroids he meant to throw away after finding them in some old box in the garage.

- sure she was naked but it’s not like they turned him on. gross. only you did that to him.

- all night he tried, to no avail.

- “So you’re just not gonna eat because ‘yer mad at me? Don’t be ridiculous doll face” He scoffed a laugh and shook his head.

- “Hmm, fine then. I guess Rin and I will just eat alllll those stupid little candy snacks you like so much”

- “Ya think these cookies are expired? Wouldn’t want your man to die now do ya baby?”

- “go to hell Toji” you had slammed the door right in his face. you didn’t know what had hurt more. the intimacy of them or the way you had pushed out a 7 lb baby out of your vagina 3 months prior and were a wreck emotionally. your body and mind adjusting to having a tiny baby to look after. as well as a energetic 5 year old.

- he lets you go. because he doesn’t want you to be unhappy. even if it eats him up when you tell people you’re single.

- Or when you post your little thirst traps on Instagram (they’re just pictures or videos you post of yourself but Toji begs to fucking differ; you’re beautiful. they’re all thirst traps to him. he knows how men think)

- really you should have known better given his reputation of being a little bit of a player. but your heart outweighed the negative. oh well.

- you live and you learn…right?

- wrong.

- because even 2 years later you still let him fuck you. I mean who wouldn’t? He laid it down on you and you needed your fix even as a single mother. Who better to get it from than your asshole baby daddy?

- he doesn’t fuck anyone but you, states “ best pussy I’ve ever had. Why would I need someone else? Tch…silly girl”

- “fuck yeah…take me baby…heh…You like that? Hmm? Look at yourself in the fucking mirror and tell daddy how much you love his cock stretching out this tiny pussy sweetheart” fuck him and his big add hands holding your hips as he plows you from behind. unforgiving pace as he reminds you who you’re always going to belong to.

- still provides for you although you’re not together. Not only because he’s still batshit crazy about you and in love with you. You’re the mother of his child. Kids if we’re being real. Megumi loves you to death and you love him. He would never take that away from the both of you, which is why every month without fail an additional 300k is wired directly to your bank account. which is just spending money for you because he takes care of everything anyways… ‘the least he could do’ you have to mumble to yourself when the guilt eats you up of the outrageous amount of money he spends on you.

- Not that he would miss it anyways.

- generous and gorgeous

- is a DILF personified.

- watching him pick up your tiny daughter and press smooches all over her chubby cheeks when he comes to pick her up sends you into a spiral

- thoughts of giving him another one enter your mind for a sec…

- before you damn near concussed yourself from how hard you slapped your cheek to get rid of them.

- stays the night at your house often (when he feels like it) “You don’t want the kids to miss their daddy do you?” He throws you a stupid lazy grin.

- Which leads to nasty dirty fucking whenever the kids are tucked in their respected rooms and asleep.

- the next morning you find yourself in a situation when you’re date knocks on your door arriving just as planned to take you out for breakfast.

- A bouquet of flowers in your dates hands a smile graces his lips.

- When the door swung open and he was greeted with a bare chested irritated Toji. It quickly disappeared. Sweats hung low on his hips and his hair messy from last night’s activities. He fucked you so good you forgot how to walk.

- Toji blinked at the man standing in front of him. Of course Toji always made himself at home in your house. Not because he paid for it, but because if anything in his eyes you were still his. “You got lost on the way to jackass city or something? You know what time it is?” Toji grimaced in annoyance. Yawning lazily and scratching his bare chest. A lighter and a pack of cigarettess held in one hand.

- “Um..” your date watches as Toji smacks the red pack against his palm before taking one out and placing it in between his lips. Hands flickering the lighter as he heats up the end of his cigarette and take a drag. Toji’s green eyes locking into his.

- He figured out what the fuck was going on and he didn’t like it one bit. “You walk up these steps, ringing and knocking on the damn door while my kids and my woman are tryna sleep…” Toji blows the smoke in the poor guys face and flicks the ashes into the floor. A grin permanently on his face before he continues. Muscles flexing as his jaw clenches.

- “You must’ve lost ‘yer damn mind kid”

- Putting out the cigarette on an ashtray outside that’s sole purpose was just for Toji’s use. The door closes in your ex- dates face.

- Safe to say you don’t even remember you had a date and didn’t need a reminder when your date blocks you off his phone and deletes your number.

- toxic baby daddy! Toji who curses at himself and keeps himself up at night when he thinks about how badly he fucked it up with you. because throughout everything he still loves the hell out of you. you’re perfect in his eyes.

- and he’s determined to get you back.

[girltalkcollectives]

🦋 Learning to say NO: how I finally stopped being everyone's emotional support human (and you can too) 🦋

Ladies, we need to talk about something that's been weighing on my heart lately. You know that feeling when your phone lights up with yet another friend drama, and your stomach immediately ties itself into knots? When you find yourself giving advice at 2 AM while your own life is falling apart? When you're everyone's shoulder to cry on, but somehow can't find a shoulder for yourself?

Yeah. That was me. The designated therapist friend. The one who dropped everything to be there for others. The one who felt guilty for even thinking about saying "no."

But here's the thing: being everyone's emotional support person was slowly drowning me. And I bet some of you know exactly what I'm talking about.

So today, I want to share my journey of learning to set boundaries without feeling like I'm somehow betraying the entire universe. (Spoiler alert: the universe is doing just fine!)

The Breaking Point

It hit me during a particularly chaotic week. I was juggling three different friend crises, trying to meet a school deadline, and hadn't done laundry in… well, let's not talk about that. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and honestly? Pretty resentful.

That's when I realized: by trying to be there for everyone, I wasn't really there for anyone – especially not myself.

The Uncomfortable Truth

Here's what I've learned: Setting boundaries isn't selfish – it's necessary. It's not about building walls; it's about creating healthy doors that you can open and close as needed.

Some hard truths I had to accept:

Other people's emergencies are not automatically my emergencies

Saying "no" doesn't make me a bad friend

I can care about someone without sacrificing my own wellbeing

People who truly love me will respect my boundaries

The Baby Steps

Starting small was key. Here's how I began:

I stopped responding to non-emergency texts immediately

I learned to say "I can't talk right now, but can we catch up tomorrow?"

I started being honest about my capacity: "I love you, but I'm not in a headspace to give advice right now"

I designated specific times for deep conversations instead of being available 24/7

The Surprising Results

You know what happened? The world didn't end. In fact:

My real friends totally got it and started respecting my time more

I had energy to actually help when it really mattered

My anxiety decreased significantly

I started sleeping better (who knew setting boundaries could be better than melatonin?)

I finally had time to work on my own growth

The Plot Twist

Here's the beautiful irony: by setting boundaries, I've actually become a better friend. I'm more present when I am available. I give better advice because I'm not emotionally exhausted. And most importantly? I'm modeling healthy behavior for the women in my life.

The Ongoing Journey

Look, I'm not perfect at this yet. Sometimes I still slip into old patterns. Sometimes guilt still creeps in. But I'm learning that it's okay to be a work in progress.

To all my fellow recovering people-pleasers out there, remember:

Your worth isn't measured by your availability

"No" is a complete sentence

You can't pour from an empty cup

Someone else's lack of planning isn't your emergency

Your mental health matters just as much as everyone else's

Moving Forward

If you're reading this and feeling seen, know that you're not alone. Setting boundaries is hard, especially for us women who've been conditioned to be nurturers and caretakers. But it's also one of the most powerful forms of self-love.

Start small. Be gentle with yourself. And remember that you deserve the same care and consideration that you so freely give to others.

[affectiondeficitdisorder]

NOBODY WANTS THIS... least of all me

by Ethlie Ann Vare

Funny story. Back in my hopeless romantic days, I was always writing love stories. Sometimes this was hard to do, as I was pigeonholed as an “action-adventure” screenwriter. So I would write a cop show and have the detective fall in love with a suspect, or a victim. The con man had to fall for his mark. The bounty hunter fell for his prey. When I wrote for the science fiction series Gene Roddenberry’s Andromeda, I had a space ship fall in love with another space ship. Seriously. They were the ship’s android AI avatars caught in a Romeo and Juliet story called, naturally, Star-Crossed. 

I just watched it again; it’s available on free TV channels like Pluto, Tubi and Philo. It’s not bad, if you can stomach VFX circa 2001. But boy, can you tell it was written by a love addict! Everybody is horny for everybody, and love is always at first sight. “When I look at you, my breath catches in my throat and my heart swells in my chest until my ribs hurt,” says Gabriel, the handsome humanoid avatar of one spaceship. “I don’t want to live without you.”

They kiss. Romantic music plays. They kiss some more. They Matrix themselves into the mainframe and have virtual sex. “I’ve never felt like this before and I don’t want it to end,” says Rommie, the beautiful humanoid avatar of the other spaceship. They pledge their intention to give up their livelihoods, if not their lives, for one another within hours of that first kiss. 

Now, I don’t want to say my dialog did it — as sincere as it was at the time, what with me being so enmeshed in my fantasies of true love — but the actors playing the lovesick avatars, Lexa Doig and Michael Shanks, ended up falling in love themselves. They’re still married to this day. It was a real life Hollywood Ending. 

Lexa and Michael, if you read this… you’re welcome. 

But I’m not the lovesick puppy I was in 2001. If anything, I have become the anti-Hollywood Ending lady. I’ve written magazine articles about it. There’s a chapter in LOVE ADDICT: Sex, Romance and Other Dangerous Drugs about it. I’m the one warning you that a romcom for a love addict is like a Budweiser ad for an alcoholic: It makes something look really, really good that has the potential to be really, really bad. The beer commercial shows the pretty people in the bar laughing, not the drunk puking in the bathroom the next morning. The romcom shows the meet-cute and the wedding chapel, not the bruised lady filing a restraining order six months later.

Which is why I had to be dragged like a dog to the groomer to Netflix to watch Nobody Wants This, the hit series about the star-crossed mismatch between a handsome young rabbi and a sex and relationship podcaster… a blonde, not remotely Jewish podcaster. They’re not exactly the AI avatars of opposing warships, but close enough.

I didn’t want to like it. I really didn’t. But I did. So why did this work for me when I am so resistant to the cultural trope of the romcom? Probably because the series is written by an actual shiksa who is married to an actual rabbi. It feels real because it’s about real people, who are honest and open with each other and confront their feelings like real people, just with snappier quips. 

“My biggest fear is a bad facelift,” says Joanne, “but I think I'm realizing an even bigger fear is this: that I will become emotionally dependent on a guy who will one day realize that I'm too much and break my heart.” Who hasn’t felt like that? (Not the facelift part, dear one. You are perfect and will never age.)

You know the old line “love means never having to say you’re sorry?” It’s bullshit. Lovers are not mind readers. These guys apologize all the time. They make mistakes, they take responsibility for their mistakes, they make amends, they move forward. What a concept!

Kristen Bell plays the smart, funny, wildly insecure agnostic Joanne; Adam Brody plays the sensitive, spiritual, emotionally available rabbi Noah. The series was created by Erin Foster, wife of Rabbi Simon Tikhman. And while I’m sure she never crossed herself in synagogue like Joanne does — actually, I can’t imagine any adult living in Los Angeles being that clueless — Foster is using the stuff of real life to make her comedy. 

She’s using her own marriage. She’s using her creative relationship with her real-life sister. And I suspect she’s using the lessons she learned from watching her dad, music industry powerhouse David Foster, marry and divorce five times, give or take a time. (Yes, his current wife is younger than his daughter. Yes, I used to play a gossip on E! Entertainment Television’s The Gossip Show.) The relationships in Nobody Wants Thisfeel healthy. These days I like healthy, especially when it’s funny.

In the chapter of LOVE ADDICT where I talk about the way pop culture glorifies love addiction (and I was part of the problem!), I wrote: “I’m not lobbying for pop songs with lyrics like ‘Oh, baby, I love the way you communicate’ and ‘Rock me with your integrity, daddy, all night long.’” But maybe there’s a place for that, too. As long as it has a good beat and you can dance to it.

Nobody Wants This has been renewed for a second season. I will be watching. Join me.

[bestofsophieturner]

I agree with you and anon. But as I understood, Sophie is not dating anyone yet, she is single, but open to new relationships. It seems to be from one of Sophie's representatives: https://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/inside-sophie-turners-dating-status-after-peregrine-pearson-pics/ https://pagesix.com/2023/11/01/entertainment/sophie-turner-keeping-her-options-open-after-kissing-aristocrat-report/ And to be honest, I think since she was in England back since April, and since the divorce, she seems happier, I think Joe was putting a damper on her mental health and she only realized it when they were apart, but she thought that if they move to England everything will change, but Joe is so narcissistic and selfish that he doesn't want to change and compromise, he wants people changed and compromised just for him. I am glad that she is free from him and her daughter too and I hope that Sophie will have more custody and the children will live with her all the time and see Joe sometimes, he is a bad father who only wants to use them.

Hello !

I don't know if it's from her representatives. But from my perspective, it makes sense that she's not dating for now. I mean, she's divorcing and she must have so much on her mind right now. It must be hard to be emotionally available for a serious relationship. Well, it's only my thoughts. Maybe I'm wrong.

About Joe... The way the whole thing happened doesn't sit well with me. First, they signed a document to buy an house in July. Then, not even two months later, he filled for divorce. And he did it while she was in UK filming. It's a shitty move. And everything he said/or did about/to his exgirlfriends came to light again. There's definitely something wrong with the guy...

I did notice the media are still trying to paint Joe as the doting father and Sophie as the bad mother. When the sun posted this picture of Sophie kissing Peregrine, the picture has been taken 4 or 5 days ago. And with the picture, they shared several pictures of Joe walking the children for Halloween. And I was like "seriously ?" This didn't work before, why did they think it could work now ?

Well, I just hope they will leave alone. I just want peace and happiness for Sophie.

[mydysfunctionalvampirefamily]

Stop, I cannot. Miles put so mu h thought in Johnny's room. 😭😭😭😭 The clothes, the posters, the cassette player.

Oh Wynn, your dad's flannel.

Someone talked about Miles's haven like the tower Caleb made in critical role. And I can't unsee it now and it makes me so emotional! These two emotionally stunted idiots telling the people they love how much they care about them. 😭😭 I will never be over this.

Of course Wynn, the most emotionally available one in the group recognises exactly what this is.

Britta's closet nest, and not getting out of it. 😭 Baby girl.

Ira, sir. 👀 We are getting some deep feelings and lore from you.

I have to be honest, I am unsure what the aster is exactly.

"you're not bad for a tremere," compliment of the highest order from Johnny.

Oh no, what's going on with Miles??? Why does he feel like part of him is left in the chantry??

Super casual, slacks and a button up. 😂 I love that that is the most casual Miles can imagine getting.

Oh no the mental attack!! Poor Miles, that sounds awful, the mirror.

Wow Miles being honest and open about the psychic attack, personal growth, even if he is so casual about it.

If Wynn and Johnny compliment you, you know it's true.

It's moments like this I remember that Wynn studied psychology.

Why is Delgado in new York?

Traitors within the sabat? I have a feeling that is quite rare.

Neil!!! Oh no. This is bad.

Okay but why does the Miles and Britta talk have such strong dad talks to his teenage daughter after she has been dumped by the love of her life energy?

Lmaoooo the rest has been talking about Neil being missing, and they haven't even tried calling him??? 😂

Whethers and Johnny talking to each other is always such a delight.

All the emotional unavailability Miles keeps for himself, he is so good with the others. 😭

👀👀 Talking about the prince dying and Miles becoming prince.

Why does Neil keep running into people he wouldn't remember?? 😂😂 Also at those two really being vampires now.

A mortal?? With the sabat? 🤔

Also how do they know Miles is a diablerist???

Ohh a mortal being piloted around by a vampire. That makes more sense.

Lmao Lucida is a badass.

Wait Reiss got promoted in all of this???? No!!

What is Reiss's angle? He is just such a fucking shithead. Saying Ira did so good and telling them about Eden. I hate that he is so smart about all of this. I just want him to die.

Also congratulations on the promotion! I guess?

Now look at this boy, telling the truth despite it all. That is some wholesome snitch energy.

Wait so Ira needs to take Eden?? Lmao good luck taking her away from Wynn, you're gonna need it.

[laniakearose]

A letter

Hey man, do you have some free time this week? That morning at your place left a bitter taste on my tongue and a heavy feeling on my shoulders and I can't shake it off alone. I really need to talk to you.

First, I want to just ask you to hold space for my feelings as I did for yours, because you know I am not in a good place, too. And I have a lot shit that I am dealing with and I need to deal with in the near future.

I am not the one to talk about what this is or could be, as you know, I feel like I am disconnected from everything. But I do know how our last meeting made me feel.

You told me how you felt used until something else, something better comes along - funny, that is exactly how I felt that morning. I don't know if you consciously or subconsciously projected that on me, but that is exactly how it felt. You left me confused. Because the night before you told me many lovely things and the most important one is that you felt safe with me. And I appreciate that.

But then you brought up the other girl. Which is fine, we are not in a relationship and you did what I asked you to...You've been honest. So, thanks. But I realised something about myself. I cannot be there for you emotionally while you're figuring out how you feel about other girl(s). I cannot be both your therapist friend and your friend with benefit.

I am a high value woman and I love and respect myself. And I demand respect from people I am involved with. I don't know if I said or did something that triggered you, but I felt you pushed me away that morning. You pulled me close that night, then you maybe saw the real me and not just a fantasy, and you pushed me away. That is how I percieve it.

You said some things that cleary put a veto on a possible relationship between us. It's not often that I think about having a real, commited monogamous relationship with you in the future but that is what made me feel that you are just having sex with me and having slow evenings, funny conversations and craving cuddles with me because it's the only thing available right now. Not because you see me as a real person, with real feelings. Not because you like me. Just because you know I'd show up.

Seems like I can only be that emotionally invested with the person I am sleeping with if they are also my partner. Not just a fuck buddy.

When it comes to real monogamous relationships I am like you. It's only us, against the world.

But seems like the thought of it triggers you. Because you said you could never date a bi girl, because you'd feel inadequate. I understand. And I don't think you can change that. I don't know. And you also compared me to your ex. That made me uncomfortable.

It hurt. Like I said, I don't want to use people, I don't want to use you, while I figure my shit out and I don't want you to use me, either. So, would you like to put a pause on this situationship and explore other options?

I don't want to see anybody else. But I have a lot of pain I need to process, plus the break up, plus the move. So... I don't know. I don't think I have the capacity right now, to deal with more complicated emotions. I really like you. That morning really hurt. I liked how you opened up to me the night before, but I hated how you pushed me away after.

I really cherish our connection and I think it's rare.

At least for me. The compatibility, the chemistry...everything. Maybe you just don't feel the same. And that is okay. But it's not fair. I don't wish more pain to you nor myself. And I don't want to feel like a dealer of cheap dopamine.

Maybe it's the wrong time for us, again.

What do you think?

P.S. Thanks for listening.

[lostinthewoods1991]

Little Everyday Lessons

A few days ago, I was talking about teaching, to a few guests at home. I've always told people that I'm not cut out for the job. I still struggle with many aspects of it. However, something has changed. To my own surprise, I've grown to like my job. I had to go away and do something that felt utterly meaningless, to arrive at this place where I perceive teaching very differently. I don't know if age has anything to do with it but earlier, I was constantly worried about how my students would perceive me. To be honest, children used to like me, though I considered myself a bad teacher. But, their liking wasn't of much help when I used to feel like a child myself. I would always find myself struggling internally, trying to live up to everything I thought must define a teacher. More often than not, I'd feel as though it was a performance. Today, when I stand facing a class, I am aware that I'm seeing the people in front of me, as much as I am seeing myself through their eyes. My insecurities become an indistinct chatter in the distance. I'm more focused on them than on myself. It's a simple shift of perspective but it didn't happen overnight. I am aware that I still do not fit the conventional standards of good/bad for a teacher. I used to be very apologetic about it. But now, I don't feel the need to apologise much for the things I say/do from a true conscience. Coming back to my conversation with the guests, I was told how I must assert my power more. How teaching is a mind game. How teaching is about not showing one's vulnerability. How teachers are not even necessary, given all the information in the world is readily available to children. So, we must impose on them the idea that we are needed. Honestly? Since when did teaching become so much about oneself? About power? About manipulating children into seeing you a certain way? About playing with their feelings? About reducing them into effective puppets in your hands?

I have so much more to learn but if I know anything, it's that the role of a teacher is definitely not about cramming heads with information. Textbooks, especially in subjects like literature, are only gateways, aren't they? You can claim you've done justice to the subject only if you leave the gateways open for them to walk through, only if you encourage them to perceive alternate realities, to be critical and questioning of narratives, to be empathetic and sensitive, to be kinder human beings. I don't think there will ever come a time when teachers aren't needed but I'm not sure how many teachers can call themselves good, in this sense. I know I still have a long way to go before I can call myself a good teacher. For now, all I know is, as a teacher, I refuse to be anything other than honest. I don't want to pretend I know more than I do. I don't want to play mind games. I don't want to intimidate my children. Instead, I want to be vulnerable and human. I want to be able to make mistakes. I want to be able to apologise if I've hurt them in some way. I want to be able to challenge their ways of thinking, but I want them to feel free to question me if I say something outdated. I want them to feel emotionally safe with me. So no, I do not intend to "toughen myself up" to be taken seriously as a teacher. I'm aiming for the opposite. I only want to be a softer, humbler and kinder human being. I don't know how far I'll succeed, but I think it's worth trying.

[eliink]

(𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒆𝒏𝒔𝒆)

Why do I feel like every time I try my best, I still fail? I'm always there for people I truly care about, trying my best to be a great friend for them. But do they really appreciate me? Do they appreciate me because I truly helped them, or because they just appreciate that I can free my time for them every time they needed me? I am emotionally, mentally, and physically available for other people, but for myself… I don’t know. I tend to sacrifice everything for other people without thinking if they truly deserve it. I hate that I care too much and get attached, even though I don't have to. I always say I could easily detach myself, but when it comes to the actual situation, I just couldn't stop crying anymore. Yes, people come and go, but why? Is my presence not enough? Or is there something lacking in me? I am known as the jokester, energetic, and as an emotionally intelligent person, but when it comes to dealing with my own shit, I always fail. I am proud of myself for giving good advice to people, but applying those in my own situation is more difficult than it seems.

I never take the risk because I know if it fails, I can't deal with the consequences anymore. Maybe one of the reasons why I still haven't found someone for me yet (although it's not that important) is because I'm the problem. I don't want to risk something. It's not because they're not worth the risk; it's because I overthink too much. I can't focus on the present moments with them; I tend to overthink our future and the uncertainties that might happen. I stop myself from taking the risk because I'm scared that my past will just repeat itself.

At this point, I don’t know how to love someone anymore. I focus too much on loving and empowering myself to the point that I don't need someone with me anymore. But the real thing is, I also need to feel genuine love from someone that I never feel from my mom, dad, siblings, and family. I don’t know who to love anymore because of my trauma. I generalize all the boys that come into my life now. "They're all the same. Them caring about me will also pass as well as their feelings." My mind is stuck in the saying "prevention is better than cure"; for me to prevent getting more attached, I'll just distance myself even though it hurts me. If that shitty situation happens again, I don’t know who to ask for help anymore.

Why can't I just have a fun talk with somebody!? I always bring up some depressing shit that might bore them, and then they think I'm emo or edgy. I know most of my friends told me that they can be there for me 24/7, but I can't just vent everything to them; they have to deal with their own conflicts too. So what now? Why can't I just live peacefully and leave my past in the past? I swear to God, my life is just a cycle of bullshit experiences that happen to me over and over again. Can I avoid it? Am I manifesting it to happen again? Is this another challenge from God for me? Is it my fault? Is that why it's happening again? I don’t know anymore. That doesn't mean your friend is always there for you; you can vent anytime. Give boundaries and respect their time too. If you take too much, they might judge you.

When will it be my turn to be their priority and to be loved? I want someone who thinks that we both deserve each other. I don’t care if we don't have similarities as long as we can make and build our relationship together. As long as we help each other grow, I'm okay with it. As long as we're both honest and trust each other, I'm okay with it. Is this too much to ask?

______________________________________________________________

I will be making more rants series coz it helps me to unwind and pour all my emotions through writings. This is how I handle my feelings, instead of covering my face with a pillow, sobbing, ranting in front of my 3ft. bear, I just open my notes or get a pen and paper to express what I feel. This really helps me. Sometimes I look back at my notes, read it and I feel a satisfied that I get through that with a little pity for myself since I've been through that phase.

[keonaskrises]

I'm not in a krisis right now... At least I think I'm not because usually there's more mental turmoil . Right now is just looming exams which usually brings on the usual fear panic stress anxiety but nothing too out of the ordinary for this time period 😋

The closest thing I have to a dilemma is that I'm ata crossroads of wanting love - the idea of it I believe - but also being profoundly emotionally unavailable, or unwilling to be very available.

Andy argues that it's just a matter of meeting the right person, and to be honest I agree. But I do think it then sets a high standard in my mind of what this person should be like. Not in the sense that I want this person to have "everything" but just highly specific to me& what I like.

So perhaps my greater issue is am I holding out for feeling very strongly about a very specific person and is that ok? Or should I just take things as they come and give people a chance

The thing is I'm not very good at liking things I don't like, especially not with romantic feelings about people. If I get to the point where I like someone, the downbadness of it all is inescapable... I think recently that has made it a deterrent for me to actually feel open (again not that I've really had the chance to tbh).

Conclusions

I have a specific standard

I'm not going to worry about whether this specific is too hard for any person to reach

Im going to try and stay open to getting to know people as genuine friends first & if I like someone's vibes I can possibly pursue that vibe

Work on myself 🤡

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

055 of 2023

Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally or mentally unstable?

Yeah, my first ex. It was tough.

Be honest: are you clingy?

No, I need my space. But I enjoy other people’s company, as long as I know and trust them.

Have you ever had bronchitis?

I haven’t.

What was the last thing you purchased?

Train ticket to Oostende. I travel a lot recently.

Your most treasured and precious photo? (post or describe)

Probably this one:

Have you ever had a reptile for a pet?

No, and I’ve never been interested.

Have you ever seen any of the Great Lakes?

Never been to the US nor Canada.

Ever swam in a river?

Not swam, but I was in the river.

Coke or Pepsi?

Coke all the way.

Are you afraid of the dentist?

Very much so.

Did you attend Sunday School as a child?

No, there’s no such thing here.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette?

No, not even tried.

Have you ever been pulled aside by security at the airport?

Never been at any airport.

Who was the last person you cuddled with?

My husband, but it was two nights ago.

What is your favourite seasonal candy (only available at certain times)?

I’m not a candy person.

Do you know anyone who is fluent in a second tongue?

Yeah, myself. And basically everyone who lives in this area. Our language is Dutch, but we all speak English as well, and many of us also speak French.

What is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen and who did you watch it with?

I don’t watch movies.

How would you feel if your significant other (or possible partner) told you they dislike having sex, but do so with you to make you happy, even though they personally think it’s a chore?

Well, I am that significant other. Better ask my husband how he feels about it :P but honestly, I’d be relieved if I wasn’t the only ace in my relationship.

What stories are an absolute must read for your children/possible future children?

Not planning any children, thanks.

What are some of your favorite monologues?

What?

What breed was the last dog you saw?

I don’t know, something small, noisy and very annoying.

If a bug is in your car, do you kill it or try to push it out your window?

I just open the window and let it fly out.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t around but their phone is. Do you look through it?

Nope, I trust him. I’m allowed to do it, but I feel no need to do so.

Who’s the biggest whore you know?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

Do people ever think you’re older/younger than you actually are?

Younger, even much younger. I’m often being mistaken for a teenager, but I’m actually in my 30s. Maybe if I grown a beard, it’d be different :P but my facial hair is nothing to brag about, honestly.

What is your current status?

Upper working class and married.

Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?

Yeah, on the right side.

Have you ever had a life-threatening injury?

Yeah, I suffered brain haemorrhage.

Do you prefer an ocean or pool?

Ocean, hands down. The sea man always returns to the sea.

Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth?

I don’t. I should be more considerate.

Do you wish you had an older, protective brother?

Very much so. I’ve always wanted an older brother.

If you could seek revenge on someone would you?

Yeah, but I would use my intelligence to do it.

Would you ever get a tattoo?

I have two. I’d love another one as well.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?

We’re married, so what’s the question?

Have you ever liked anyone that was in a relationship with someone else?

Kind of. But it wasn’t anything serious.

Do people ever compliment your eyes?

It’s the most frequent compliment I hear.

Who was the last person you hung out with?

My husband.

Have any of your exes ever given you roses?

No, but they knew I didn’t want it. Nielsje has given me tulips, though. It was very nice.

Do you think your last ex ever thinks about you?

I know he does.

Have you text voted for an American Idol?

Wrong continent, sorry.

Have you ever run out of gas?

Almost. We were passing Antwerp and we had to go into the city to look for a petrol station.

Would you rather have salad or french fries for a side dish?

Fries ate not French, and even though I like fries and I live in a country that is known for them, I’d rather like salad.

Ever been to California? Did you like it?

Never been to the US.

What’s your favorite thing about the town you live in?

Beautiful architecture.

Are you boobs real?

I’m afraid I don’t have any boobs.

What’s the best Valentine’s Day present you’ve ever received?

We don’t celebrate it.

Could you date someone who has been only your friend for a long time?

I’ve only dated guys who were my long time friends. I can’t do it the other way around, I don’t date strangers.

Which one of your relationships was the shortest?

My first ex, six months.

Which was the longest?

My husband, 5 years and counting.

Have any of your exes told you they regret breaking up with you?

Yeah, Nielsje. But we both know it was the only way.

Favorite boy’s name?

Joris.

Name one of your friends’ children:

Davanie and Xavi, if I remember well.

Do you know any twins?

Yeah, I have two coworkers who are twin sisters.

What’s your favorite country song?

I don’t listen to country.

What age did you lose your virginity?

I was 24. Late, but with the right guy.

How far away is the closest Walmart?

Like... the whole Atlantic Ocean apart?

Chick-fil-a, Taco Bell or McDonald’s?

I don’t know the first two, so it’s a logical choice.

Did you ever get an allowance as a child?

Yes, but very small.

Pizza rolls or bagel bites?

I don’t really know either of these.

What kind of pets does your grandmother have?

My grandparents are deceased.

What’s the last show you really got into that you have to wait for the next season of?

There was some Polish one, I’ve been waiting for season 2, but it got cancelled :(

Have you ever witnessed a car accident?

Yeah, many times on German motorways.

Sprinkles or frosting?

Muizenstrontjes all the way, but I don’t really use it.

Do you like mushrooms?

I do, but only certain kinds.

How old is your youngest sibling?

She’s 27, gonna be 28 soon.

Do you like painting?

I’m not good at it, so no.

Have you ever been swimming with dolphins?

No, I haven’t.

What kind of soda is your favorite?

Coca Cola.

Penguins or pandas?

Pandas, if ever.

What’s the name of your pets?

Victoria and Suzanne.

Regular or pink lemonade?

I don’t know either.

Does anyone in your family have a birthday in February?

Yes, my aunt who is the sister of my dad.

Are you into anime?

No, I’m not.

Pizza or nacho Lunchables?

What are Lunchables even? Never heard of them.

Have you ever been inside of a courtroom?

Yes, as a witness.

Which would you rather have, twins or triplets?

Neither.

Have you ever been in an ambulance?

Yes, after I suffered that brain bleeding.

Snakes or spiders?

Spiders.

Do you know how to braid hair?

Yeah, and a few months ago I discovered I can still do it, even with disabled hand. It was a little yay.

Do you believe in aliens?

We’re all aliens.

Did you ever catch crawfish or frogs?

Yes, frogs.

Ever drink from a garden hose?

Never, it’s ew.

What was the last computer game you played?

I don’t play computer games.

Can you count to 100 in another language?

Yeah, in about 10 of them.

Who gave you your first kiss?

My first ex.

Who was the last person you went on a date with?

My husband. Years ago.

Is good grammar attractive?

It is.

What are your full initials?

J. S. de J.

Would you ever let your grandma set you up on a blind date?

Neither of my grandmas would ever have such ideas.

Do you believe “Once a cheater, always a cheater”?

Yeah. It’s one of the things I wouldn’t forgive.

Why did you last cry?

30 years ago because I was a baby and it’s normal for babies. I hate this question.

Would you feel hurt if your last ex is in a relationship?

No, I would be actually happy for him.

[itssoinevitable]

Hiii 👋 I just wanted to say I’ve been a fan of your blog since the good ole Downton Days and I’m so chuffed you’re a ACGAS fan too! Tbf right now the fandom is super down in the dumps (me included). How are you remaining so positive since Audrey x Gerald development in the Christmas Special?

Hi Anon! Thanks for your message, and happy holidays! So nice to hear from our old Downton Abbey crew again, I think a lot of us migrated here.

To be honest, there are a few reasons I’m not worried. (Sorry, it’s long).

1) Because I honestly love Siegfried and Audrey as friends and surrogate family. Their bond is special and beautiful, whether or not it ever becomes romantic. (Although I hope it does). They are life partners, involved in all the most important parts of each other’s lives. They have coparented Tristan (and James and Jess), they’re each other’s confidant and source of comfort. That’s special in and of itself.

2) Because I actually think they’re playing the (really, really) long game with them. I could be wrong, but that seems to be what the writers are doing. It seems quite intentional. 3 years on screen together may seem a while for some, and I suppose she’s been his housekeeper for around 7 years so it feels like ages. But imo, the best slow burns imo are the ones where you’re never quite sure if they will or won’t. It’s the little crumbs they leave scattered here and there, it’s the longing looks and angsty build up that makes it so delicious tbh. I just hope they get renewed for enough seasons to see it through. (Plus I am a Carson & Mrs Hughes fan, so 3 seasons doesn’t feel that long! Lol)

3) And lastly, because I don’t actually think they’re ready to be together yet. They’re still in the process of getting there.

Siegfried has probably had to longest way to go, in terms of being emotionally ready to realise, admit and accept that he has feelings for his housekeeper. In Season 1, he opened himself up to intimacy and the possibility of love again. He did that with Dorothy and then Diana, (although who knows why she’s been such a non-entity this last season. Maybe the actress wasn’t available?) And now, at the end of S3, he literally just resolved one of his biggest character arcs - his complex relationship and feelings for Tristan (and even then, only with a lot of encouragement and support from Audrey). He’s emotionally levelled up.

Now, I think it’s Audrey’s turn. Gerald befriending her/ pursuing her has allowed her to imagine she could be with someone again, after leaving her husband. It helps her relationship with Edward is also on the mend, since that’s been a source of so much guilt and pain for her. As for her feelings toward Gerald, they do seem to have deepened somewhat suddenly. I know some people said it felt very out of blue considering she had friendzoned him. But maybe she liked him all along and simply didn’t feel she could be more than friends, much as she wanted to. Or maybe it was brought on by the war, and him moving away. Either way, I think he’s a good man, simple and uncomplicated, which is just what she needs as she’s testing the waters of romance again. I think he’s also serving as a catalyst for Siegfried to realise the depth of his feelings for Audrey, which is v exciting imo.

Siegfried is also a good man, but things with him are as ever, more complicated. Their status as employer and employee, and long time friends also raises the stakes a lot more. Considering she’s a lot more self-aware, I think Mrs Hall knows she might have certain feelings for Siegfried (seemed a bit disapproving / jealous of his relationships) but I don’t think she has considered it could go anywhere. I feel that this budding relationship with Gerald will be pivotal in a shift between them. It might motivate her to get her divorce from Mr Hall, and resolve that source of pain from her past, too.

TL;DR All that said, I think they’re getting where to need to be, and I think we should enjoy the journey. It’ll be all the more sweet if and when it happens.

[obeyme-kaidii-writes]

Belonging

Mammon x gn!MC

Words - 4606

Content warnings - lots of angst, insecure MC, Mammon is an ass at first ‘cause he’s a tsundere

Prompt/inspiration - self indulgent comfort piece

Summary - That one time when Mammon’s tsundere tendencies broke your heart.

AO3

You had been so stupid. So foolish. So naive.

When you first met Mammon, he took your breath away. You had never seen someone just so...beautiful. It was an honest to goodness love at first sight moment, something that you didn’t even believe possible until then. Yeah he seemed a little harsh, but you convinced yourself it was just because he was shy and easily embarrassed. As soon as he got to know you better, you were sure he’d calm down a bit and open up to you.

It was slow going though. Just when you had started thinking you had finally managed to become friends with him, something would happen that would send you back to square one again. For every step forward you took, you would inevitably take 3 steps back.

But after a while, things did eventually seem to be going your way. He’d come over for movie nights. You were allowed to hang out in his room. He no longer stuttered out excuses when he would walk you to and from RAD. You had started to feel comfortable. Like maybe everything in your shitty life up until now might have actually been worth it because finally, FINALLY you had someone who genuinely enjoyed being around you.

Until today, that is, when you were not-so-gently reminded of your place.

The night began like any other Friday evening - a movie night with Mammon, Beel, and Levi. Everyone had gathered in Mammon’s room, snacks were plentiful, and you were getting to sit next to Mammon. As the movie progressed, you casually adjusted your position so that you could hold his hand. But as soon as your palm touched his and he realized what you were doing, he pulled back and yelled at you.

“What the hell are ya doing?!”

If it wasn’t for the look on his face, you would have sworn he was embarrassed. Instead, there was no doubt in your mind just how disgusted he was at the idea of you touching him. You didn’t notice when the movie was paused. Or when the lights were turned on. All you could see were his eyes boring into yours. Looking like he wanted to vomit on the spot at the very idea of having ever been close to you.

“Umm...I...just…” you stumbled over your words, unsure what to say. What could you even say? He knew you had tried to hold his hand. And that’s all there was to it. You made a move, the wrong one, and he rejected you.

“Sorry...I’ll umm...just go…” was all you managed to finally get out, as you made a mad dash to your room. Your cheeks were burning with shame, and tears pricking at your eyes.

How could you have been so arrogant? Thinking someone could actually be interested in a person like you. This wasn’t your home. These weren’t your friends. They weren’t your family. You didn’t belong here. You didn’t belong anywhere. You had let yourself get comfortable, indulging your delusions and fantasies and ignoring all the many warning signs that you weren’t actually wanted here.

Even though Mammon was your official Guardian, the rest of the brothers still did their part to make sure you survived your year in one piece. And you had mistaken this courtesy as actual kindness. If anyone had been nice to you, it was out of obligation or pity. You were so desperate to believe you had finally found a place of your own that you let yourself be tricked into thinking demons would actually care about you.

You should have known better. It’s not like you hadn’t had this experience before. People who tolerated you and then at the first available opportunity cut you from their lives. You knew there was something wrong with you, there had to be, for as many times as this had happened. But since no one stuck around very long at all, you honestly had no idea what that might be. If someone would have just told you, you would have fixed it.

By the time you had made it to the safety of your room, your tears had already started to fall in large, heavy drops. You didn’t make a sound. You were too numb to even sob. You just laid down on your bed, facing the wall, and cried. If you could even call it crying. It was more like tears just poured from your eyes. You didn’t even know it was possible to cry that many tears, yet here you were - soaking your pillow, unable to stop the flow.

At some point, you had managed to get your breathing under control. And then, even your tears dried up. You turned to lay on your back, staring at the ceiling and trying to figure out where you should go from here. You still had to make it through the rest of the year, and you had to find some way of doing that peacefully. Maybe if you talked to Lucifer he would assign you a different Guardian? You didn’t really want a different Guardian though, but you doubted you would be able to emotionally handle spending any more time with Mammon. Especially since every time you closed your eyes you could still see that look on his face.

After weighing your options you decided the only thing for you to do really was to put on a happy face. You’d be polite to anyone that talked to you, but you were going to be smart this time. You were going to keep your distance. Not just from Mammon, but from everyone else too.

There was no point in giving yourself the chance to believe you actually could make any friends here. Doubtless it would end up the same way. So you were going to do the minimum - go to RAD, come back to your room, and stay in your room until it was time to leave for RAD again, only leaving with the exception of meal times. No more movie nights, or gaming tournaments, or shopping trips, or restaurant tours. You were just going to keep to yourself and...survive.

————

Breakfast the following morning was oddly quiet. Beel, Mammon, and Levi kept exchanging looks, but you pretended you didn’t notice and just focused on your meal. You had found a comfortable sense of numbness since the previous night, and had now more or less come to terms with the fact you weren’t wanted here and had gotten carried away.

Lucifer had needed to head out a bit earlier to attend a before school meeting with Lord Diavolo, so you asked if you could walk with him instead. He raised an eyebrow at your unexpected request, but thankfully didn’t ask any additional questions. Of all the brothers he was actually the one you were most comfortable with at the moment. Probably because you never had any doubts about the fact he wasn’t overly fond of you.

When classes had ended for the day, you realized that you would need to walk home with Mammon. But after a full day of perfecting your “nice” smile, and mastering how to behave “politely” without taking things personally, you felt better prepared to handle it than you had that morning. Mammon seemed nervous, blushing and fidgeting most of the way. Any other day, you would have asked him what was wrong, but now you were committed to keeping your distance so you ignored him.

Once you arrived back at the House of Lamentation, however, he finally started talking to you before you had a chance to hide away in your room again.

“Uhh...about last night...I…”

“It’s fine, Mammon,” you said, smiling your best, bright smile, “I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.”

“That’s...I was jus’ surprised is all…”

“Then I’m sorry for surprising you.”

“So umm...do you wanna...try again...maybe…?”

For the briefest moment, your smile faltered. You were quick to correct it, but of course Mammon noticed that split second of hesitation before you answered.

“No thank you. It was nice of you to offer though. But I don’t think I’ll be going to movie night anymore, so you really don’t have to worry about me.”

“Huh? That’s not what I was...this wasn’t about the movie…!”

You gave Mammon another perfect, reassuring smile before leaving him in the entryway, flustered beyond belief at what just happened. He could understand that you might not have known what he was asking right away, but to say you didn’t want to go to movie night at all? That seemed like a bit of an overreaction. Not to mention the fact that the entire conversation just seemed...weird. You were smiling too much for one thing, and he really didn’t like it. He enjoyed making you smile, but this just wasn’t right.

And he couldn’t just let that go.

No sooner had you sat down at the table in your room to begin on your assignments, than the door was flung open as Mammon barged in. You stared at him, stunned, unable to grasp why he had followed you to your room. When he saw you looking at him, he once again got flustered, but was quick to recover this time - he was on a mission.

“Look I know I yelled at ya and all, but that ain’t a reason to skip movie night. Who's gonna feed Beel? Or make sure Levi doesn’t put on those weird anime movies with the tentacles and shit?”

“I’m sure you’ll manage. You had to have worked things out somehow before I arrived. You don’t need to try to include me,” you replied, turning your back to Mammon so you could focus on your work.

“Movie night was your idea! Ya can’t just quit!”

“I said it’s fine,” you could feel your frustration building in your chest. You had wanted to do this peacefully, but Mammon was so stubborn, more stubborn than you had anticipated given his reaction to you yesterday.

“It ain’t fine!”

“Leave it alone, Mammon,” you snapped, stopping what you were doing as you tried to calm yourself down again. You weren’t going to let him get to you. He’d wear himself out and lose interest eventually. You just needed to be patient until he realized he didn’t have to entertain you anymore.

“How can I leave it alone? I’ve said worse stuff to ya before and you haven’t acted like this.”

“I know when I’m not wanted. It’s fine.”

You weren’t about to open up and confide in him all your worries and fears. Even if he was asking out of politeness, you knew he wouldn’t really want to hear about that stuff anyways. He barely tolerated your physical presence, there wasn’t any way he’d want to be burdened with your emotional baggage too.

Mammon was silent for a while after that. He didn’t know what to say, or how to explain. He knew he had fucked up. Badly. It wasn’t that he didn’t want you next to him. He did. More than he’d care to admit. Which was actually part of the problem. He didn’t want to admit he cared. Because admitting he cared would mean you could reject him. If you weren’t aware of his feelings, then you would just be stuck with him, and that was good enough for him. It had to be.

At least it had been up until now. Now, Mammon feared if he didn’t say something, anything, he’d lose any chance at ever talking to you again.

“...I wanted ya there…” he finally whispered, so quietly you almost didn’t hear it.

“You don’t mean that.”

“Yeah I do!” he said, much louder than he had spoken before. Couldn’t you tell he was trying to say that he liked you? That he enjoyed your company? Did you really have to argue with him about it?

“...whatever,” you said with a sigh as you began to open your school books.

“Hey! Listen to me will ya!? I’m trying to say I like you!”

You flinched at Mammon’s sudden declaration.

“And you expect me to believe that?” you replied, your tone laced with venom. You knew what was coming next - his inevitable backpedaling that he always did. Where he made excuses and belittled you and made sure to crush any hope you may have had that he actually liked you in any capacity because the idea of anyone thinking he actually had a soft spot for you was apparently absolutely appalling.

“Why wouldn’t you?! You should feel honored and…!”

“Why wouldn’t I?? Seriously?? You’re asking me that?”

You turned in your seat to glare at Mammon, angry tears gathering at the corners of your eyes. Did he seriously think so little of you that he just expected you to believe whatever you told him?

“I dunno Mammon, maybe it’s because ever since I got here you made a point to remind me what a burden I am and how much trouble I cause. Maybe it’s because you constantly dump me on your brothers to avoid your responsibilities. Maybe it’s because every time I try to be nice to you, you push me away and make me feel stupid for even trying. But hey, what do I know? I’m just the dumb human, right?”

By now your tears had started to fall, but you couldn’t even be bothered to dry them. You finally had the chance to get everything off your chest that had been building since you were dragged down to the Devildom and you didn’t feel like stopping anytime soon. Your rational thoughts had long since flown, and all that was left was your extremely hurt, angry, emotional self that was bound and determined to make sure Mammon knew just how much pain he had caused you.

Mammon, for his part, was completely dumbfounded. Personally, he thought he had been doing alright trying to get to know you. He wasn’t used to people actually being nice to him for one thing, so he was always so suspicious whenever you were.

But what he hadn’t realized though, was how genuine all your advances had been, and how much he had hurt you in trying to protect himself.

“I-I-I…”

“I’m not the sort of person anyone likes. I know that. So whatever joke it is you’re trying to pull, just stop it already!”

“I ain’t messin’ around!”

“What are you not understanding here??” you yelled, slamming your hands down on your desk as you stood up to face Mammon, “I don’t connect with people. I’m never the one that gets picked. So just stop it ok?! I don’t know what Lucifer threatened you with…”

“He didn’t threaten me with anything!”

“Oh please, like you actually want to spend any time with me.”

“Of course I do! That’s what I’ve been tryin’ to tell ya!”

“...you don’t mean that. No one ever means that.” You crossed your arms, hugging yourself tightly, averting your gaze. Your anger had started to fade and all that was left was an overwhelming sense of sadness.

“Why do ya keep saying that?”

“Because it’s true. It’s just what happens. Whatever it is that lets people make friends, I don’t have it. I always think I do, but it never works out. So why would this time be any different? I just...I can’t do this again.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because I love you!” you shouted, having finally reached the end of your patience with Mammon’s endless questions. This wasn’t how you had wanted to tell him. But you didn’t know what else to say at this point because nothing else seemed to be getting through to him.

Cautiously, Mammon took a step forward. Then another. Until he was standing right in front of you. You kept your eyes trained on the ground, refusing to look up. You didn’t want to see the look on his face. Not after you had just confessed to him. It had been bad enough when he yelled at you for holding his hand, and you were sure seeing him now would kill you.

But, Mammon didn’t force the issue. Instead, he slowly reached out for your hands, carefully twining your fingers together as he lowered his head to rest it against yours.

“...do ya mean that?”

“Of course I do,” you mumbled, “But it doesn’t matter. It never matters. I’m not good at this stuff.” You rubbed your fingers over Mammon’s hands, playing with his rings as you tried to distract yourself from the conversation you were having. Your heart was hammering in your chest, and you were so nervous you couldn’t stand it. It almost didn’t seem real to you, to have him standing so close to you, willingly touching you. Perhaps that’s why you weren’t shying away from being honest about your feelings and why you were letting yourself touch him like you were. If it was all only a dream, it didn’t matter anyways.

“It matters to me...I like ya too. A whole lot. And...I’m sorry for makin’ ya feel anything different. It’s just…” Mammon hesitated. This was the most honest he had been with another being in centuries, and his instincts to pull away and run were still strong. But you had been honest with him, and after all the hurt he caused you, it was probably the absolute least he could do.

“It’s just...I know how it feels. Ta not be wanted. And I uh...didn’t trust ya at first. I thought...you would be like my brothers and were just mocking me…”

That last sentence made your heart ache and you lifted your head slowly to look at Mammon. His eyes were closed now, but you could see the tears gathering at the corners and the dampness of his lashes. It was clear to you then that these were his true feelings, and not something he was sharing easily. Without a word, you released his hands, slipping your arms around his waist to pull him into a hug. He flinched at the sudden contact, but didn’t waste any time returning the gesture, wrapping his arms around you and hiding his face in your shoulder.

“I’d never do that,” you replied.

“Well yeah, I know that now.”

“I think you’re amazing, you know? I always have fun with you. And I like spending time with you. When you’re not acting like I’m the plague,” you teased, turning your head slightly to catch a glimpse of Mammon’s face and the faintest hint of a smile that tugged at his lips.

“S’rry. I think yer pretty amazing too. You put up with me an’ my brothers for starters.”

You laughed softly at his reply, feeling his arms tighten around you as he hugged you closer.

“Do you umm...wanna watch a movie…?” Mammon asked, hopeful that you’d take him up on the offer so he’d have a good reason for staying with you a little longer.

“Yeah, we can do that. I didn’t get to finish the movie from the other night.”

You pulled away from Mammon to grab your laptop from beside your bed, before climbing into it and making yourself comfortable. When you looked up, Mammon was still standing awkwardly in the middle of the floor, blushing furiously.

“Oh. Do you not want to sit here? Sorry! We can…” you started to ramble, terrified you had made him uncomfortable again and already messed up everything that you had just seemed to fix.

“No! It’s uh...not that...umm…” Mammon said, moving to sit on the edge of your bed, “Do you umm...wanna try...ya know...holding hands…?”

You blinked a few times as you processed Mammon’s request, staring at his outstretched hand that he was offering to you. Was this what he had been trying to ask you about after school…?

“I mean! It’s fine if ya don’t want to!”

“Wait!” you grabbed his hand quickly, before he had the opportunity to pull it back, “I’d like that. A lot,” you said, your cheeks heating up in embarrassment, “Can I ask you something?” Mammon nodded as he scooted back onto the bed so that he could sit next to you, “Is this umm, what you were trying to ask me about earlier? When we first got back?”

“Yeah,” now sitting comfortably beside you, he adjusted his grip on your hand, lacing your fingers together and allowing you to snuggle up next to him and rest your head on his shoulder. He was nervous at having you so close, but at the same time, he didn’t think he had ever felt more relaxed. There was a certain comfort in knowing that you felt the same way towards him and weren’t going to chase him off for wanting to be near you. He still had a long way to go in the ��open and honest” department, but at least with you he didn’t have to hide his feelings any longer.

As the movie played, Mammon found himself struggling to concentrate. You had said a lot of things earlier when you had been so upset that he hadn’t been sure what you meant, or how he was supposed to respond. One thought in particular kept echoing in his mind that he really felt like he needed to address - that you didn’t feel wanted.

“Hey, do you umm, think we could talk?” he finally asked. You paused the movie and closed your laptop, nervous to hear what he had to say.

“Sure,” you replied meekly and Mammon gave your hand what he hoped would be a reassuring squeeze.

“I guess I just want to make sure you know that I want ya around. I know I can be a bit of an idiot at times and don’t always think things through...but that’s how I feel. And I know my brothers feel the same too.”

“Thank you. For telling me.” You could feel your throat tightening and you knew you were probably close to tears again, as if you hadn’t already cried enough today.

“And I’m gonna prove it to ya, you know? The Great Mammon’s gonna show ya just how special you are.”

A small smile spread across your face as you snuggled closer to Mammon. He nudged you gently with his elbow, which only made your smile broaden, and you nudged him in return, causing him to laugh. It didn’t take long for a full on tickle fight to erupt, which only stopped when Mammon had managed to successfully pin you to the mattress. Realizing the position he was in made Mammon’s face flush, but he didn’t move, and you simply looped your arms around his neck holding him in place with a hug. He carefully lowered his body so he could wrap you up in a hug of his own, as you buried your face into the crook of his neck.

You had been so certain earlier that you’d never get a chance to have a moment like this with him. And part of you feared if you were to let him go, he’d leave for good. But no matter how tightly you held him, Mammon held you just as tight. He too had been waiting for this for a long time and wasn’t about to let you go any sooner than necessary.

—————

The following morning, Mammon was already gone by the time you woke up. The realization stung, but you tried to focus on the positives and pushed those thoughts aside, determined not to let yourself jump to the worst case scenario before you had even eaten your breakfast. You quickly got yourself ready, and made your way downstairs, taking your usual seat at the table. Mammon had yet to make an appearance, so you focused on your food, anxiously waiting for him to join you.

When you heard the dining room doors open, you quickly snapped your head up, smiling as Mammon made his way into the room. He locked eyes with you, grinning, but as soon as he noticed that his brothers were also watching him, he averted his gaze and your heart shattered.

Of course, you thought, how could you have forgotten? Just because he admitted to liking you in private didn’t actually mean he would treat you any differently. The thought made your stomach churn, and you had to fight the urge to dash from the room, choosing instead to return your attention to the food on your plate. This was going to be so much worse now that you knew he was aware of your feelings, you thought, blinking back tears.

Shit.

Mammon had reflexively looked away from you for the briefest of moments when he had become aware of his brothers staring. But almost immediately he had stopped himself and looked back at you to offer you a smile. It hadn’t been quick enough though, and he only caught sight of your face as it fell and you attempted to hide your disappointment. He really hadn’t meant to hurt you. Especially not so soon after the two of you had finally opened up to each other.

And now what was he supposed to do?

Well, there really was only one thing he could think of - Make ‘em jealous.

Taking a deep breath, Mammon walked to his seat, nudging his chair over until it was right next to yours, before finally sitting down. You looked up at him, stunned and confused, and he flashed you his usual cocky grin, which only made your heart leap in your throat. Just what was going on? you wondered.

“Ooo Mammon, you’re sitting awfully close today,” Asmodeus teased.

“What’s it to ya, Asmo? Ya jealous?” Mammon, quipped back as he started serving himself some breakfast. He could feel you staring as you struggled to wrap your head around what was happening, and he smirked, shooting you a sideways glance.

“It’s just not fair that you keep hogging them all to yourself. The rest of us should get a chance to sit next to them too.”

“Enough. It’s too early in the morning for this sort of nonsense,” said Lucifer, sighing as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You know, dear brother, you’re going to get horrible wrinkles if you don’t get more rest,” replied Asmo, shifting his attention to Lucifer.

Mammon turned to look at you, not at all surprised to see that you were still staring at him in shock. He looked down at your lap, and you followed his gaze as he opened his right hand, palm up, and offered it to you. You stared at it for a few moments, before finally sliding your hand into his. You looked up at him again, only to find that his cheeks were now a very deep shade of red, one that spread all the way to the tips of his ears. He was clearly not prepared for how...different...it was going to feel to hold your hand when surrounded by his brothers, and you couldn’t help but smile at him.

He was quick to turn his attention to his breakfast, and you did the same, occasionally sneaking glances at Mammon as you ate. Mammon could feel your eyes on him, and while mildly embarrassing, also made him ridiculously happy. Up until yesterday he had been so afraid of making a move in your direction, he hadn’t even stopped to think of the possibility of you actually accepting him. And now that he was holding your hand, he was determined to never let it go.

[insurrection-if]

Hello! The premise of the story seems really awesome ☺️

If we don’t lock in a route with any of the main ROs, will we be able to keep a “relationship” (sort of) with any of the minor ROs if we pursued them previously? To be honest, the Minor ROs caught my eye first 😅 but all the ROs seem amazing tho! just… Dearil and Retriever 🥹 kinda wish they were main ROs 🥲

Also, can we ask RO-related asks? Scenarios, reactions etc. And what about NSFW asks?

Have a nice day luv 💛

First and foremost, I am absolutely open to RO-related asks: scenarios, reactions, or whatever it may be! (´∀｀•)

I am open to NSFW asks as well but, in full honesty, they will probably take the longest for me to answer. I'm not sufficiently experienced with NSFW writing, and so I may be a bit more hesitant (embarrassed) in releasing those as quickly as other asks. (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ��) So, if one is sent, please do not fret if I take a while to respond!

Now, moving onwards . . . I sympathize with your desire for the minor ROs. (´ω｀) The very reason the minor RO dynamic exists is because I wanted Curadora to be an RO so badly yet, due to events in the plot, I feared people would feel upset / cheated by her route. I made her a minor RO instead, but then remembered a certain dynamic with Dearil in the pre-interactive version of Insurrection: HAWKS and thought "hey, let's give him the same treatment!" . . . and then there was Retriever and Lempo who were supposed to only have available one-night stands . . . and it accommodated for a certain element of the Mishka-Fyodor plotline . . . and then during the writing of the Origins chapter it felt so perfect for Bones too . . . ah, my heart!

If an MC has no locked-in romance, extra romantic / sexual content will be available with the minor ROs. Though a locked-in MC can be flustered by / return flirtations with minor ROs early in their official route, an unlocked MC would be able to act further in these interactions as it would not then be cheating.

I would say Curadora would be the closest to feeling like an RO in this type of route with Retriever as a close second; yet it would still be less content overall compared to the official ROs. There might also be some drama with Retriever when a certain faction is formed and an old heartache of his resurfaces. Curadora, maybe, could have an open-ended possibility of something much more permanent and on par with the main ROs in the future . . . just likely not within the main narrative. And with Insurrection: HAWKS now being interactive, I might consider allowing Retriever's dream of a wedding to come true. It's not all so set-in-stone quite yet!

Lempo would become more emotionally invested in her relationship with the MC, but wouldn't value it any more or less than her other relationships . . . excluding Boar who she adores dearly, and might develop a slight bias towards as time progresses. She would be pleasantly surprised (and grateful) that no one has claimed her delightful MC all for themselves.

Bones would come to tear down his walls more so than he would with a locked-in MC, and there would be more opportunities to gather a taste of a true relationship with him, but his convictions are likely to ultimately win over his desire for the MC. Poor MC will be caught in a game of tug-of-war as he pulls them in only to push them away just as harshly.

And Dearil . . . I pity the poor soul caught in a a full-on relationship with him. It might be worthy of a Bad End (or good, depending on what one is into), haha! An unlocked MC would have much more room to entertain, encourage, or accept his advances - and it would make Dearil all the more dangerously infatuated with them. Dearil would also take it as an opportunity to toy with them more since he no longer has to be concerned with any serious competition. The MC should expect some very offended looks from a heartbroken Uriel.

Mishka's minor romance can only be unlocked by MC's locked-in with Fyodor, so they are the exception. Maybe if enough attraction points were gathered they might make a passive comment that vaguely reveals their momentary interest in the MC, but nothing more than that.

Overall, relationships with the minor ROs would be quite non-traditional and maybe a little hectic. （　´ ∀｀）

[twordytings]

Hi I’m having a rough day. Can I request a fic where Bucky and Steve give the reader cheer up tickles because she had a bad day? Thank you

Backbone

(Steve and Bucky x Reader)

Summary: You’ve been having a pretty rough few weeks, but there’s always two people that are always there for you; whether you like it or not.

Word Count: 1,859

A/N: Sorry I couldn’t complete this the day of, but i hope this makes your day better than it already was! This does get a teensy bit deep, since I was speaking from personal experience (hence the trigger warning) but I want you guys to know that if you’re ever having a rough day, or ever just need someone to talk to, I’m always here! Please please please don’t be shy to send a message my way!!!

!TW! - Hints to ED

You came home from school, lugging yourself through the door and going straight up to your room, not even bothering to greet Bucky or Steve, who were sat in the living room. They noticed that you didn’t say hello, since you were always so excited to come home to see them, so they were a bit confused to say the least.

It’s impossible to make a long story short at this point, but to speak in broader terms, you hated yourself. It started when you were at school one day; your teacher, of all people pointed out a part of you that you never thought was a problem: your weight. The same day, after you came home, you looked at yourself in the mirror and couldn’t help but think about everything else that could’ve possibly been wrong with you.

You ended up finding flaws in yourself that you’d never even dreamed of having. Your hair wasn’t like the pretty girls at school, your waist wasn’t as thin as the model you saw on social media, your freckles didn’t look as cute as that little girl you met the other day, your face wasn’t as chiseled as the woman in the TV show you were watching, and your thighs... there was no gap between them. It was as if you were being hit by a bunch of waves nonstop; and now you were drowning. It got to the point where all you would consume each day was a cup of iced coffee and gum, but you still weren’t satisfied with how you looked; wearing baggy clothing and avoiding meals with the excuse of having a lot of homework became a normal routine for you. You were physically and emotionally exhausted, and honestly just wished you could hide inside of a shell for as long as possible. Unfortunately, you didn’t have a shell, but your room would have to do.

You slung your backpack off your shoulder and roughly ripped your shoes off your feet, immediately crawling under the covers of your bed. It was nice, being in your own space, until you heard a knock on your door. You groaned at the sound, hoping whoever it was would leave after your nonexistent reply; but yet again, another knock.

“Ugh. Go awayyy!”

“It’s Steve. Can I come in?” he said as he poked his head in a bit.

“Well you already opened the door so... yeah I guess.” you said from underneath your covers, body covered from head to toe. Steve smiled a bit, walking over to sit beside the lump in your bed which was you.

“You wanna tell me why you’re upset?”

“Uh uh.” you responded, still under your sheets.

“C’mon take that off your face I can barely hear you-” he said as he ripped the sheet away from your face. You sat up in annoyance, seeing that Bucky was now walking into your room to join in on the interrogation. You subconsciously rolled your eyes, not wanting anything to do with the two at the moment, but you knew they weren’t gonna leave you alone until they knew exactly what was up with you. Bucky walked to the side that Steve wasn’t on, but sat next to you on the bed as well.

“You okay doll?” Bucky asked with concerned look on his face.

“Guys, I’m fine. Just had a rough day is all...” you said as you looked down, fiddling with your fingers. They looked at each other in worriment. What you didn’t know was that they’d noticed your behavior over the last few weeks. It wasn’t hard to; you had gone from a happy go lucky teenager to a quiet mouse in a matter of a couple days. Steve took hold of your fidgety hands, wanting to cry at the sheer sight of how much they were shaking before he had grabbed them.

“No. You’re not fine. And that’s okay,” as he looked you straight in your big doe eyes, “but we need you to be honest with us, okay?” He had never looked so concerned before. You obviously knew what you were going through, but failed to recognize that they were probably petrified for you as well. For as long as you could remember, Steve and Bucky were always there for you; whatever problem you had, they fixed; if you were troubled by something or another, they always cheered you up. It was probably eating them from the inside out, not knowing what was going on with you. You played with his hands a bit, looking at him and then Bucky before you started to explain.

“I... I hate myself.” you said as your voice already began to crack, tears threatening fall. The two looked at each other in complete and utter disbelief, but let you continue without interruption. “Everything about me... I’m just so ugly!” you were crying now, not bothering to wipe your face off in front of the two. “I’m not as pretty as all the other girls. I’m a waste of space.” You’d been numb for so long that it actually felt good to cry.

“Hey hey hey! Don’t say something like that about yourself!” Bucky interrupted, a bit furious at the fact that you could even fathom such a thing about yourself, but keeping a calm tone with his voice nonetheless. He scooted closer to you, wiping your tears off with his bare hands as he swiped his hand off onto his shirt, not caring if it got dirty. “Y/n,” he said, pulling your face by your chin so you were looking at him, “you... are beautiful. Every single thing about you-”

“Even my freckles?” you interrupted quietly. He chuckled in pure adoration.

“Especially your freckles, sweet girl.” he affirmed. He was upset at the fact that you weren’t joking with that question... that you were genuinely asking, not even a smile grazing your lips. Steve, on the other hand was tearing up a bit. He was the more sensitive one of the two, for obvious reasons. “Do you understand what I’m saying? The way that you’ve been avoiding your meals and wearing our clothes all the time... it needs to stop.” You guiltily looked down once again, reflecting on how bad it actually was. This gave Steve a bit of time to collect himself as he took you into his lap, holding you how he did when you were much smaller, although you still fit in his arms just how you always had.

“Hey,” Steve said, looking down at you as you looked up at him, your nose a bright red from all the crying, “there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you look. I don’t know where you got that idea from, but that doesn’t matter now... what matters is that you are the most adorable girl on the planet, and you don’t need me or anyone else to tell you that. The way your nose twitches like a bunny when you’re nervous, how your tongue sticks out a little when your super concentrated, and your cute little laugh...” he said, following with a few pokes to your stomach, making you giggle for just a second, but it was enough to provoke him into a full blown tickle attack, cuing Bucky in to help him. Tickling you silly was always their sure fire way of cheering you up - in this case, lightening the mood as well - so you couldn’t say you were surprised. That isn’t to say you weren’t in agony whenever they did it.

“wahaHAHAHAIT GUHUHUHUYS!” you yelped, kicking your legs out as they moved from spot to spot, not even needing to hold you in place since you were already wedged between them.

“Steve, why’s she laughing so hard?”

“Yeah y/n what’s so funny over there?” Steve quipped.

“IT TIHIHICKLESSSSS!” you screamed in frustration, batting at their hands to no avail.

“Yeah it’s supposed to... duh.” Bucky teased, earning a few aggravated whines from you. The two had paused as if they could read each other’s minds; you were confused as to why they stopped so soon, but it wasn’t for no reason. They both had evil grins plastered on their faces, which told you that they weren’t done yet.

“Okay y/n...,” Steve started, his hands resting on your stomach, “do you want raspberries or-”

“NONONONONO PLEHEASE NO!”

“you didn’t let me finish! Or... do you want ribs?” Bucky snorted at the awful proposal, but went along with it regardless.

“Uhm... is neither an option?” you said hopefully.

“It’s either one or both...” Steve stated seriously, noticing your eyes widen at the ultimatum, almost breaking character at how your eyes began to dart between him and Bucky.

“Better hurry up y/n... time’s tickin’...” Bucky chimed as he pretended to tap a watch on his wrist.

“I’m not choosing!” you said, attempting to sound as angry as possible, but they saw right through you.

“Ladies and gentleman... we have a winner!” Bucky announced in a deep voice. “Miss y/n wins both raspberries and ribs!” Steve snickered at Bucky’s voice as he was amused by his performance, but looked back at you straight after.

“You ready?” he said all too softly as he menacingly hovered over you.

“Please dohohon’t!” you begged, nervous giggles pouring out of you.

“Sorry bug but you brought this upon yourself...” Steve shrugged as he spoke half-heartedly. You braced yourself as the two dug in, Steve taking care of the raspberries as Bucky shook his hands into your ribs. You shrieked so loud, they were surprised you hadn’t broken a sound barrier.

“STAHAHAHAHAP!” you screamed. They had figured you were pretty tired considering you’d just gotten home from school, so after a few more minutes of their fun, they decided to let up. You immediately curled up like a slinky as they stopped, wrapping your arms around your body to protect yourself from any more unexpected attacks.

“Oh relax... we’re done, I promise...” Steve laughed. “...as long as you start eating, correctly.”

“Cross my heart.” you vowed as Steve stood up, satisfied with your response. Bucky smiled at you sweetly, lifting up your curled form onto his lap this time, kissing the top of your head as he held you tightly. “I love you guys... and thanks for making me feel better.”

“Love you too lil sis...” Steve said as he leaned down to kiss your cheek, pinching it once before he went to leave the room.

“We love you more than anything, sweet girl.” Bucky said softly. It would take some time; gaining the courage to eat full meals and wearing your own clothes again, but you knew that with Bucky and Steve, you’d be just fine. You were upset that you hadn’t talked to them sooner, but it was better late than never. They were your rock, and you were their pride and joy, and you knew that they would rather die than allow you to feel so terribly about yourself. It might be sappy to say, but you would never change the relationship you had with them for the world; that was one thing you knew for sure.

[dornish-queen]

GQ MEXICO - PEDRO PASCAL 2021

It seems that Pedro Pascal is in all possible universes. Here and there. In the past, in the present, and in galaxies far, far away. Today, the actor is considered the great entertainment reference and one of those in charge of saving a franchise that seemed lost. Enough reasons to talk exclusively about discipline, gastronomy, creeds and how he traumatized his father in 30 seconds.

The RAE defines 'creed' as the set of ideas, principles or convictions of a person or a group. For example, by creed, one can leave his country and be in exile. It happens that one can leave the loved one behind. Or simply live in another reality. And also one can put on a helmet to pretend never to take it off again. If that is the path to follow, the creed says that it must be done with the profession of faith and without stopping to look. Turning the pages of the script for The Mandalorian , the Disney + series that revived passion and nostalgia for the Star Wars franchise , Pedro Pascal came across this definition in every dialogue and moment, and reflection carved his way.

More than two decades have passed since the Chilean-American, Pedro Pascal, began his acting career and today, named as the great reference of 2020 , he misses the theater and it still hurts him not to have the discipline to exercise and maintain a diet sana while acknowledging the irony of having the best year of her career in the midst of one of the worst in recent history. But even in physical solitude, the man who carried the best-selling Christmas baby rescues many positive things and shares his vision of the universes he has traveled through, his passion for distant galaxies and how to traumatize your family with a simple scene of TV. In an interview, the Mandalorian of Latinamerica.

IMDB named you the 2020 benchmark in entertainment, a year in which the world took refuge in fiction. How was living your best time locked up and what do you rescue on a human level from it?

The strength of family relationships and friendship. For them, we endure this physical loneliness. I do find it ironic that in 2020 I received projects so well received by the public, although they were carried out before the pandemic and their impact was during it, and that year I was isolated and alone. But I must emphasize that this loneliness is a privilege when many people had to continue working, surviving and maintaining the functioning of the world. We only had to be alone, but they more than that and you must value it too.

Among the activities you have missed, how much do you miss the theater?

Much indeed. It's something that I miss the most and being with people without being afraid. See a play and return to those experiences of being with people doing and living things in common. That is what I need most, in addition to my loved ones.

Disney fully entered streaming and its strong letter has your face, what do you think of the discussion of platforms against movie theaters?

There are incredible things in streaming and many people develop great projects that they did not have access to before. The diversity of voices is gaining ground and it is important to recognize that opportunities grow exponentially and boundaries change. It is incredible the availability that we have to very well made content and how creative people can share their work in different ways. But I also want to be honest: limiting the experience of watching content only on our gadgets or at home is a mistake that affects the stories we can tell. You have to achieve a mix of opportunities and challenges.

You jump between the fictional universes that mark the last decades until you reach the universe of universes. What is your first Star Wars memory and how do you summarize the essence of this legendary story?

For me, Star Wars is nostalgia itself. It is one of the primary things in my memory, of my childhood. I came to the United States with my Chilean family when I was less than two years old and one of my first memories is going to the movies with my dad to see the saga ; it becomes one of those romantic childhood things that opens your mind, so imagine how special it is to participate in this project. I think the creators of The Mandalorian perfectly understand this nostalgia and that power, and they managed to count on that element as a great ally for the world of Star Wars and I couldn't be happier to be part of it. (From which we expect the third season The Mandalorian)

The Mandalorian exploits the power and nuances of your voice, did you have that letter on your resume?

I didn't know I could do it, but I resorted to my theater preparation, which was very physical on all levels and feelings. There are elements that have to do with and that are essential to create a role, and they teach you that the voice is something primary, something you have to start with and you cannot hide. Now I have learned much more about the importance of that, and how to use it economically. The body also has to do with that, because something very subtle communicates something. In The Mandalorian , I had a great time figuring out how to do it, they gave me the opportunity to develop it in different ways. The opportunity to be very intense at it.

What happens to the ego when someone works under a suit and a mask?

In the conversations about the project, before doing it, we were communicated the idea and the concept of the entire season , so I clearly understood what it was. I wanted it to be the most powerful version of what they were trying to accomplish, so there was no point in involving my ego, you know? It was already very clear what the project meant, so I knew about the character , the piece that it represented for him and the opportunity that it was for me, so I was only focused on executing in a better way the part that touched me in everything this. In the theater, I worked several times under a mask and it helped me develop the experience.

It seems that The Mandalorian has a very theatrical base ...

Exactly, and thanks to the physical experience of working in theater, doing a play a few times a week, discovering how your body and your voice communicate , being part of a whole image, and how you will tell that story visually, I achieved this character. I never imagined that it would be something I would have to use on such an important Star Wars project .

On the list of entertainment greats, there are names like Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, do you think John Favreau should be added to the list?

I think your name is already included. Without a doubt, it is in that category and it is incredible. His vision fascinates me. I remember an episode in the second season , and I had some boots and I walked so much in the snow, it stuck to them. He figured it out, so he talked to the art department about the kind of boots you need when you're out in the snow. They approached me and gave me new ones that fulfilled the idea I was looking for. He noticed it in an instant. It is such a wonderful detail and it is repeated to scale in every session with him. He thinks of absolutely everything and his vision of the use of technology is admirable. He is someone who makes you feel motivated and always sees how to achieve the goal.

One of the reflections in the series is on how and under what circumstances a man can break his creed and way of life. What makes you break with your beliefs?

I think that you must follow your heart so as not to regret anything; Although sometimes it brings pain or conflict, deep down when you look back, everything is worth it because it was what you heard in your heart. I am very afraid to deny that feeling or not to attend to it. I am 45 years old now and I cannot believe I have a finer philosophy. Make it more disciplined. It's ridiculous, but I'm trying to accept that I am and it's all I can say, "follow your heart." Although, you know, I'm not on a good diet yet, I still have trouble sleeping or exercising.

Still good at Chilean empanadas?

Yes, I couldn't stop. And also how good that I do not live in Mexico City because I would only spend it eating. I could move my whole life to defe just to eat.

I want to deviate and ask you, with whom did you see the chapter of your death in Game of Thrones and what traumas did you cause in your family?

For me, no trauma. I separate myself well from the characters , although I fully understand that if I were a Game of Thrones audience and loved that character, it would make an incredible impression on me. Thank you that it was not. I had to interpret it and there was a model of my head to be crushed that way with the tubes and the fake blood, you know? Me lying there, with pieces of my meat, it was funny in the end. But not for my family. For them there is nothing funny but traumatic. My dad's voice changed completely when we saw the episode, he turned around and said: “I didn't like it, Pedro . No, Pedro , not this ”.

The media found similarities between your villain in Wonder Woman: 1984 and Donald Trump. When playing a character with characteristics like this, do you humanize him or do you understand him?

The project had nothing to do with the former president. They always told me that my character in Wonder Woman: 1984 was emotionally messy, and I took that and took that as far as possible. Instead of creating it with images or certain inspirations from life, it was more to work with what was on the page. Personally, what made sense to me is the size of the story that is being told and there is always more, and we all want more. Creatively, if this makes sense, that meant "blowing her out of the park." Connect a hit with the character and be committed to telling his story faithfully, in a way that was true to me. So all the exterior elements found their way.

What a way to start 2021 with the theme of the Capitol ... How do you perceive that moment?

I am not a politician and it is not that I do not have an opinion about this type of event; however, it is not necessary to state the obvious. My opinion would be very simple compared to that of a person who studied this, who knows how to act in these kinds of scenarios; I believe that I am next to the majority who experienced this, which is the logical result of what we have experienced during these years and we are all horrified . It was distressing to see this violence.

If you had the monolith in your hands, what would your wish be?

My wish would be… it's impossible, really (laughs). I think it is to be together again, with less fear and that people have the opportunity to connect.

What is your position on the reality that Chile has experienced in recent years and how has the relationship with your country been since exile?

It is something that I am developing and I continue to do in my life, trying to understand that it is my home. To be in Chile is to be at home, but my life has been very nomadic, living different things and having many influences; so it is strange, I do not feel with the title of a complete Chilean identity nor with an American one.

Neither here nor there?

In a sense, but I'm also completely both. My parents are Chilean , my brothers were born there before my parents traveled, and I came back sometimes because my family is very large; in fact, my parents came back. It has always been there, it continues to develop, and it will be a part of me. I don't know if it answers your question, but it has a lot to do with who I am.

What is your relationship with Latin American cinema? Are you interested?

Much, it has invaded me in life like American cinema. The movies that I carry in my heart, seeing something like Y tu mama was also something that changed me; I also love the work that comes out of Chile , and the only thing I can say is that it is a cinema that needs more access and projects.

Today you have a comedy with Nicolas Cage on the door, can you tell us something?

It's my first shot at comedy , as a complete story within the genre. Speaking of American influences , in the 80s I saw all the films where Nicolas Cage appeared , he came into my life and it's great to be his partner after seeing all his performances.

How is the relationship you have with the comedy genre?

I love it, I have done a lot of comedy in the theater, what happens is that in film and television issues , I was always part of drama castings . And in the cinema, you go where the doors open; Although I identify with one or the other, I think that being an actor , one goes and does what one has to do. Comedy is something unique, it is very challenging because it must be very real to be funny, you cannot hide or use normal tricks. I was very excited to have this challenge in front of a camera.

Finally, Pedro, after going through so many fictional worlds, literally, what do you dream about when you sleep?

I dream that my bathroom is dirty, that I haven't done my math homework, that the oven is on and all that stuff. Sure, there are times when I close my eyes and see myself in all these projects , although my conscience is with the anxieties of the day that you can imagine.

Without a doubt, Pedro Pascal is a particular type .

English Tranlation: Google Translate

SOURCE:  GQ MEXICO