#and now my restless mind is developing a story idea

[goshdangronpa]

If I may add on ...

If Kaito is Batman and Tsumugi is Catwoman, then Shuichi is Robin (hapless innocent constantly forced to tag along as sidekick, does most of the work for the hero) and Kokichi is The Joker (funny clown-themed gang leader whose dynamic with the hero is overwhelmingly homoerotic)

Miu's supervillainy is straight out of the kids' cartoons she's always loved. She doesn't actually harm innocents, she takes bags of money from bank vaults (and draws the yen signs herself), she's having fun more than anything

Korekiyo is using Miu’s antics to hide his own, decidedly more sinister acts that she is not privy to. He lets her think he's just her silly masked sidekick (parallels to Shuichi and Kaito?)

Himiko is a non-powered super who only presents as a bona fide magic user. She's not very good, but just looking like you can wreck things with magic is enough to spook most low-level crooks. If anything, her crimefighting partner Tenko can beat ass

Junko is NOT a costumed supervillain, because only an idiot would announce their evil intent in a highly recognizable and impractical outfit. She anonymously deploys these goons to distract the heroes from the REAL evil she perpetrates, the kind too complex to stop with a strong right hook. She's Adrian Veidt from Watchmen, but without the colorful garb ... or the pretense of positive ends that justify terrible means

Every so often I start thinking about a Superhero!AU and at the same time: how to incorporate my ships into it.

Kazuichi works at the big Hero organization building gadgets and falls in love with Ibuki's hero persona, but at the same time is unaware of her alter ego.

Kaito and Tsumugi having a Batman/Catwoman dynamic where they're constantly playing chase.

Mondo trying to recruit Mukuro away from supervillainy and into morally-grey vigilantism instead

Miu and Korekiyo just being two villains who love being evil together

Do you SEE WHAT I MEAN

[haikyu-mp4]

Suspected proposal

"Did you hear about Sakusa? He proposed to his long-term girlfriend today! But I’m not judging or anything!" – @kittygirl11829 for my Gossip Event.

word count; 834 – f!reader

The first one to become suspicious of a possible proposal was Hinata. He just so happened to look over Sakusa’s shoulder while the black-haired man looked at diamond rings on his phone. Unfortunately, he had switched it off the second he realised he wasn’t alone, and not another word was spoken about it.

Atsumu was next because of a certain look on Sakusa’s face as of late. It made him look restless, which wasn’t normal for him. It wasn’t that he didn’t focus on practices anymore, but something else seemed to be on his mind as well.

Bokuto didn’t really put two and two together himself, but when Atsumu brought up his information, the owl shared that he had seen Sakusa at the jeweller the week before, and he couldn’t believe he didn’t say hi!

No doubt, Sakusa would be proposing to his girlfriend. 

You’ve been dating Sakusa for a long time, ever since your first year of university. This means you also developed close friendships with all of your boyfriend’s friends. Therefore, the three suspicious MSBY boys snuck up to Sakusa after practice one day (meaning they ran over and cornered him so he couldn’t run away) with the wish to participate in making you say yes. 

“Are you proposing to y/n?” Atsumu and Hinata asked him, just like they rehearsed, however-

“CAN WE HELP WITH THE PROPOSAL?” Bokuto was practically bouncing with excitement.

Atsumu turned to him with a frown. “I thought we agreed to be demure and mindful.”

Sakusa rolled his eyes and sighed, unsure if he was ready for his own answer. “I would like your help with my proposal.”

The three were silenced as they looked at Sakusa in surprise, making him squirm under their gazes.

“You asked.”

Hinata was the first to recover. “What do you need?”

Sakusa smiled, not big but it was definitely something. “I know she’d love to have different angles to choose from for the proposal video. Can you three spread out and film it?”

In near-perfect sync, the three volleyball players clicked their heels together and saluted him. “Sir, yes sir!”

You had no idea Sakusa wanted to propose to you today. It wasn’t uncommon for him to invite you to a fancy restaurant, asking you to dress up with him and take some time off to just be together and have good food.

This time shouldn’t have been any different.

The only peculiar thing was the head of bright orange hair that almost blended in with the flower arrangements. And the grey hair that zoomed past the window earlier before someone in a hoodie and black mask asked for a table. And the bleach blonde hair peeking out from that guy in the corner’s cap while he played on his phone without ordering any food.

Why are Sakusa’s friends here?

Still, no matter how suspicious you were, you gasped in shock when Sakusa got out of his chair and knelt beside you on one knee, holding up a little velvet box with a gorgeous ring. Your eyes brimmed with happy tears as he nervously recited his speech.

“You are already such an integral part of my life. You make every day better, and I want to spend every moment with you by my side. I want to call you my wife, or fiancé for now. You mean more to me than life itself and I will dedicate every second of the rest of my life to making you happy if you would do me the honour of marrying me.”

You were breathless, barely remembering that you should probably answer him.

“Yes! I’ll marry you, I’ll marry you a thousand times!”

The whole restaurant erupted in cheers, and the loudest was from your three dear friends (who were clearly more used to standing out in a crowd than hiding in it, which should become a funny story for the future).

w: this last part is suggestive

After making your way home, nothing could keep your hands off each other. That dedication for the rest of his life started right now as he took his sweet time decorating your skin in sensual kisses, lifting your arm so he could trail them all the way to your new ring.

“Sakusa y/n.”

“I think I doodled that in my notebook once,” you purred, thinking back to the days when you stared at the back of his head in class.

“You have bewitched me,” he accused with a dopey smile, hands sneaking around you to unzip your dress.

“Body and soul,” you whispered before once again capturing his lips in a kiss.

Bokuto, Hinata and Atsumu totally misread the situation, and realised so as they came up to your house door and heard you moaning Sakusa’s name a little too loud for it to be anything other than…“Let’s drink at mine instead,” Atsumu announced, already turning around and rushing off, careful with the six-pack of beer he carried in each hand. You would be having a private celebration for now.

masterlist

[mirtola87]

"Tale as old as time", or how Good Omens planted a seed in my soul that's growing more and more (bettah) [2/2]

[Continues from Part 1] Then we started watching S2, and as it happens in any good mystery story, clues became evidences. Crowley and Aziraphale started laying their cards on the table. Throughout the episodes, they act more and more like an "us" and we get used to the idea that their side is a fact. No matter what happens, they will face it together, as they did more and more in the last 6.000 years of their "tale as old as time". Being a coup... ehm, "group of the two of us" without telling themselves and each other, walking on a wire. And then came the rainstorm, the canopy, Jane Austen, the ball, Beelzebub and Gabriel going off together, Nina and Maggie talking with Crowley. The moment not only the characters but the audience, too, realize that the ineffable love could be actually named and told. "Just a little change, small to say the least / Both a little scared, neither one prepared." It was pure revelation, mind-blowing and delightful. After 9 long years, I finally knew that they loved each other, that I loved them, and that I wanted them to be happy together, forever. If I could feel it so deeply, I wonder what it could have been like for Neil himself to discover that the two characters he knew so well from almost 30 years were in love with each other. And then, after 6 "quiet, gentle and romantic" episodes, exploring the evolution of the characters and their relationship and mutual influence through the time (6.000 years of bickering, longing glances and building trust in each other, "bittersweet and strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrong"), the last 15 minutes suddenly came and leave them (and us) heartbroken, as their love is told and denied in the very same moment. It was painful and devastating. And here I am now. Two months have passed since I saw S2 E6, and all that I, all that we can do is wait (and see, hopefully). But it's not, it can't be as before. Something in me has definitely changed. Or rather, it woke as if it had been long asleep. And it grows better and better. This story made me feel things I hadn't felt for years. It's making me feel love, and pain, and longing, and hope. It made me remember how great stories (amazing lies) can make you experience true, deep feelings ("true as it can be"); and it awoke my desire to tell stories and share feelings as well, a wish that had lied sleeping in the back of my mind for a long time. So yes, I am obsessed with GO, but it's not just about this story I love, it's also about me, I believe. And all the time in-between reading the book, watching S1 once, rewatching it and then watching S2 lead me to this, because things can develop and grow only with time. So I guess I should be grateful for that heartbreaking cliffhanger. If S3 had already been there for us to watch, I would have already consumed the answers I wanted. My mind would be at peace and probably none of this would have happened. Instead, I find myself full of questions (about the story, and about my life), I'm restless and eager, I'm painfully alive. And I feel like a new path, a new chapter, is opening before me. "Certain as the sun rising in the East", in the next years I'll be waiting for Neil to tell us about the "Neighbour of the Beast", and in the meantime I'll try my best to cling to that feelings as a precious gift, don't let them go, nurture them and use them for the best. There are many things I wish to thank @neil-gaiman for, but this is probably the most important so far.

[ra-scheln]

Writing Interview Tag Game

The lovely @kimberbohwrites tagged me – thank you so much!

When did you start writing?

I don’t remember a time before stories. Partially it might have been due to my environment, that I had to escape somehow – even if I could only retreat into my own mind and the worlds I could make up there. They weren’t really finished narratives, I was mostly into making up worlds that my friends would add characters to, and we would draw comics around the stories that developed from that .

Although that stopped when I was around fifteen or sixteen. The abuse at home kept escalating with my growing independence, and I couldn’t maintain the connection to myself necessary for true creativity and the willful ignorance regarding what was happening to me I had developed to protect myself. There is no writing or other piece of art from my time, because I just stopped being able to do it.

Stories I need to live, said ignorance I needed to survive, so it had to take precedence.

Ten years later or so, I’ve been reclaiming my own perception of events with, among other things, half a decade of therapy now. I can touch my own ideas again without them slipping through my hands.

BG3 is it’s own special joy here – it’s the first fandom I’ve really written for, recently, and that’s mostly thanks to the writer friends I’ve found through it (my pedipalps <3).

Are there different themes or genres that you enjoy reading than what you write?

Outside of fanfic, yes! I read a lot of classic stuff – Thomas Mann, Michail Bulgakow, Oscar Wilde are the last few authors I read in that department. Fiction-wise, I enjoy things that explore the more ambiguous sides of human emotion, or generally darker and more serious stuff – Das Parfüm by Patrick Süskind (The perfume) for example, although that’s something I also write about. I’d also count Accabadora by Michaela Murgia amongst that, though that’s also a historically inspired and socio-critical. Tbh I mostly read nonfiction though, Roberto Saviano’s works on the Ndragheta and other organised crime are currently back on my mind.

In fanfic, I’m pretty stuck in my tastes as far as themes go, but there are some characters that don’t inspire me to write, but that I like reading about – Rolan for example (though I might have something cooking for him), or Halsin.

Can you tell me about your writing space?

I often lug my laptop to the university library or onto my balcony, but I’ve also recently treated myself to new desk equipment – so I’ve started using it more, now that I have a second monitor, a nice mechanical keyboard and a chair that doesn’t kill my back.

One thing about my writing space though – it has to be spotless. I can’t deal with crumbs on my table or unfolded laundry lying around.

This all goes for writing itself. My ideas I mostly write down by hand in my notebook, wherever I am in that moment.

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I don’t. I either have something to say and then I sit down and say it, or I don’t. Your mind also needs to lie fallow every now and then.

If the words aren’t flowing when the ideas themselves are there, it’s usually because something else is taking up my attention. Be it any kind of mess (as I said…) or something I’m avoiding in other areas of my life, that has to be taken care of first.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing?

Some are fairly common in fanfic – trauma, the aftermath of sexual abuse etc. I think some of my other patterns are characters that are neither good nor bad, the need to accept yourself and what you’ve done even if others may not forgive you, and love that is built, not found.

What is your reason for writing?

The words have to go somewhere, or I start to get restless.

In seriousness, I also think that stories are a chance to explore the things that often don’t have room in daily life. Especially fiction that doesn’t have to perform well, like fanfics, can leave the kind of room for the regular human messiness to breathe.

Is there any kind of specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

I haven’t published a lot yet and I haven’t received that many comments yet; So it’s hard to say. But so far I can say that whenever I can feel that my writing touched someone and they take the time to share that with me it stays with me for a long time, and keeps me motivated to keep sharing my stuff.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I haven’t thought about that yet much, and the idea of someone developing a parasocial relationship makes me want to crawl out of my skin, but uh… I think I’d like my writing to feel safe to people? Not necessarily in the sense that they won’t encounter difficult themes and injustices in it, but that the darker themes I explore are handled in an informed and tasteful way.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I think my compassion with my characters and their actions. Nuance, in general, seems to be my thing as well – I don’t do black and white.

How do you feel about your own writing?

I’m a bit frustrated that my fictional writing is all in English, currently. It’s neither my first nor my fourth language, and it’s not my favourite language to read in either.

Aside from that… I’m growing fond of my own style, now that I’ve found my voice, sort of. My sense of humour is starting to shine through, which is also nice!

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

So far, what I want to write and say takes precedence. I do, of course, think about the “how” of writing – how style and vocabulary can help me get my ideas across. Who knows, I could try taking requests, that might be fun.

Tagging: @dutifullylazybread @blackjackkent @invinciblerodent @faerielli and @lewdisescariot

EDIT: AND @forget-me-maybe!!! As well als @cactusmisslittle

[blnk338]

I read Ghost's backstory just now. I knew it was f-ed up but damn... He should really have a lot more problems than just being emotionally unavailable. I'm kind of surprised he's opening up to Reaper or anyone at all (it's great he is though). What's your view on his mentality in general, based on his past trauma? What are his habits caused by it? And is his original backstory even a part of your fanfic? Sorry if you already answered this previously.

anon i am so glad you brought this up bc i could talk about this for eons <33333 mwah mwah -- yes, simon's backstory is canon is RWYS!

i am so sorry i wrote this much on this LMAO

cw for heavy trauma, sa mentions, abuse mentions, eating disorders, discussion of mental illness

I think more people need to put more effort into their fics or stories when writing trauma because I often see characters be one of two things:

They're tiny, sweet, pitiful babies who don't know anything and they're so little and small and they're not even adults or people anymore

They end up being their abuser.

Both are terrible options and unfortunately, as I said, they're shown way too often and really do not illustrate a lot of trauma reactions (of course there are examples of them, but I have not seen them as commonly). I take the writing of traumatized characters from my own experiences and from my own research (and literal human empathy, which appears to be void in half of the Ghost fics I read).

I think the idea of making Ghost quieter, closed off, a wall of a man is an accurate reaction to the shit that he has been through. He has a mountain of baggage and I think it's nearly impossible to write him without considering that. There's a clear idea that he limits who he trusts, and allows even fewer people to look under the layers that he's built up; but it makes complete sense that he has a conscious amount that he "lets people see" (even those he holds dear), until he breaks down.

A few of the responses that I think he has are avoidance and isolation, and the development of depression and anxiety disorders.

Simon blocks out a lot of the memories that he has and largely tries to avoid any conversations or thoughts on the subject of his sexual assault. Obviously, as an SAS soldier, it's hard to avoid certain topics, but I feel like he separates Ghost and Simon as two different people. It's common to find that people will put up different "faces" when it comes to responses to certain traumatic experiences, and I think it makes sense that Ghost would be willing to handle anything; he could be beaten, screamed at, watch and do terrifying things, handle himself well in the battlefield, but Simon can't.

Simon is scared. Simon is nervous, anxious, he overthinks things. He bites his nails and paces around his house, he has three locks on his door, he triple-checks the windows before he leaves for the day-- Simon isn't the stone-cold person that Ghost is, Simon is trying to relearn how to be a person who doesn't hide knives under every chair in his home. (Please also keep in mind that Simon's psychiatrist was also killed, I believe, in the midst of the murder of his family, so he would also limit the mental help he gets because of a fear that it might happen again)

Isolation makes complete sense because, as I mentioned before, he might see him and Ghost as different people. Simon doesn't go out of his way to ask for help, there's an incapability to do so. With that comes helplessness because he might not see the change he wants to see in himself. He's gotten back up from getting shot, he's taken hours of beating and torture, why can't he just get past this? All of these different sides of him build into depression and mass depressive episodes, paranoia and anxiety disorders, insomnia, etc.

Eating disorders may come with that; forgetting to eat or not going out enough to get groceries often. Restless, sleepless nights. Panic attacks that rise out of nowhere, he manages to push them down into staring off into space and clenching his fist, masking it on the job or in public. Hearing people's words but not listening, spending hours in his room on base, letting his anger out in the gym, sobbing into his pillow into the wee hours of the morning.

On top of that, he also refuses to let his anger out in any way that would hurt people like his father hurt them. Simon is careful about touching people, but is especially considerate of his anger. All he does is think, think, think, about how not to turn out like his dad. That's another thing I see people headcanon, that he would be physically abusive, and I don't see that at all. Ghost and Simon don't touch people because the last thing they want to do is end up like his father.

Tl;dr: Simon is very, very fucked up from his past and is still working through it.

[sea-owl]

Hey, I saw your yandere AU and noticed you talked about Benedict and what's intriguing about that romance is that next to Polin it's the one that takes longest to develop. Colin leaves London to travel the world, but he knows where Pen is and his family's on the lookout for any threats around her, but Benedict first met his soulmate two years before he actually found her again. What were those two years like? What is their story even like? I've wondered because you never dwell on that one.

Me: *nervous laughter* So confession I didn't realize I haven't talked much about Benophie's story, but I will be honest, it probably has to do with their story being my least favorite. Now don't get me wrong I love Sophie and I think her interactions and love with Benedict are cute when they are on equal footing. But I will not lie their book got thrown across the rooms a few times.

But for the Yandere AU, let me think. Okay I got something working.

Benedict and Sophie meet at the masquerade as usual with Sophie dressed as the Lady in Silver. Benedict knows she is his soulmate and he's already making plans on how to find out who she really is.

Unknown to Sophie her future in-laws and partners in crime had been watching them from the corner of their eyes the whole night as well.

"It looks like you have your next match," Kate whispered to Penelope.

Penelope nodded, "Indeed I do."

Using her Whistledown contacts Penelope manages to track down Sophie about a week later. Sophie understandably does not trust men of the ton and even though Benedict is her soulmate she's not interested in marrying a man who would most likely not be faithful to her.

"What if we came up with a plan to make sure Benedict would never stray. That you would be secured and loved from the moment you say I do?"

Sophie paused and thought it over. "I'm listening."

"A game of hide and seek," Penelope offered. "There is nothing that will tie a Bridgerton faster to you than having them think they lost you or they could lose you. All you have to do is hide and Benedict will come seeking, growing more restless the longer he can't find you. Then once he finally 'catches' you he won't think twice about leaving your side."

"And what do you get out of this?" Sophie asked.

Penelope rolled her eyes at thought of her traveling soulmate. "My soulmate, the younger brother to your's, has a taste for travel, and is too comfortable leaving me with his siblings to watch out for me. I figured if I marry off his siblings one by one that would make his lose his sense of security over me."

Sophie thought the idea over some more before finally saying. "He doesn't leave London much does he?"

"Not really," Penelope said. "He does have his country estate but it's only mainly in use when he's passing through."

That caught Sophie's attention. "Well I did always prefer the country side to the city. Let's see how long it takes him to look out there."

Penelope offers to help Sophie out with financials or finding work. Sophie denied, saying just sending her updates on Benedict will be enough.

To that Penelope did, describing in detail the longer Benedict went searching, the closer he was to losing his damn mind along with getting more pathetic. It was adorable in its own way.

Years later Penelope was surprised to walk into the Bridgerton drawing room for tea and saw Sophie. It had been a little bit since she had received a letter from Sophie so at one point they both slipped into the hall to talk.

Sophie described to Penelope how she met Benedict again, how he had not recognized her, and then had the nerve to ask her to be his mistress.

Penelope had to resist the urge to facepalm. "I am getting that man spectacles for his birthday. I am so sorry Sophie, I had not realized the man could be that dumb."

Sophie shrugged. "I'm actually having a little bit of fun. I see what you mean by the obsession though, I see it rising for me every time I reject him, and rising for the Lady in Silver the longer he doesn't have a lead."

Penelope looked to say something else when the voice of Colin Bridgerton rose from the front steps of Number 5.

Penelope gave Sophie a tight smile. "Sophie send me a letter soon, we'll work out the next part of the plan. Right now I have soulmate to go put in his place."

The next time Penelope had heard from Sophie it was through one of her Whistledown contacts about Sophie's arrest. Moving quickly Penelope set out the next column of Whistledown knowing it will end up in Benedict's hands.

A wedding happened soon after, Sophie received her official invite to the Spouse Alliance through Kate. Sophie sent her acceptance letter to all the others from her study in My Cottage.

[mindfullofyoga]

The story of Hanuman is the story of ourselves

The word Bhakti means devotion. It is the path of the heart. Svaha Yoga is actually a really ‘Bhaktified’ yoga community I would say. Practises that are part of the Bhakti path are; chanting kirtan and puja (offering) but we can also express Bhakti in dynamic practical ways such as showing kindness to others, caring for the environment and its inhabitants. By caring and trying to see all as sacred we empty ourselves of judgement and meet all as no different, no less, no more than ourselves. 

The monkey-god Hanuman is known as “the Greatest Bhakta’’.  Hanuman teaches us about the transformative power of love. When we love others, we step outside of our isolated selves and into a deeper relationship with those around us. As we love – we discover a part in ourselves that is connected, courageous, and capable of far more than we ever thought possible. So therefore Hanuman is also associated of power and courage. 

Hanuman is not a monkey for nothing. The monkey is a symbol for the ‘monkey mind’: The mind that is restless and uncontrollable. But through training, the mind can be tamed. Through spiritual practise and effort - We align thoughts, words and actions with a higher purpose. We become more attracted to the idea of contributing to the welfare of others and living a life of  kindness and service on our own path to freedom.  

The mind that worries, stresses and thinks in loops takes up a lot of our energy. It’s just constantly distracted, going here and there. Our collective addiction to our mobile phones can be seen as an extension of that distracted mind. Have you ever felt depleted after a day off physically not doing anything? It’s that mental depletion lots of us are familiar with. There is a saying: ‘’Where  attention goes energy flows’’. So when all attention goes to those worries and thoughts, it takes up so much energy. By quieting and steadying the mind through the practise of Yoga, we can start to actually feel and sense the body. Energy can start to move through the whole system, to nourish and heal the body. That is the first shift that can be felt through the practise of Yoga: a sense of quietness in the mind and health in the body. When this energy is freed up and the body returns back to its natural state of health and balance, this movement of energy can even take us back to its’ original source and we can rest in deeper states of stillness.

Hanuman is one of the greatest heroes in yogic mythology and you can read about him in the Ramayana. The Ramayana can be red through many lenses. You might read it as a beautiful story or as an inspiration in terms of virtue and good conduct. But, same with the Bible or the Koran or other holy scriptures, we can also read it through a different lens. We can read it as a mirror of our psychological and spiritual development. For me, then all a sudden it becomes a living truth that I can sense in my own system, my own body, happening right now at this very moment. So here it comes:

‘Ra’ means light, ‘Ma’ means within me, in my heart. So, Rama means the light within me. Rama was born to Dasharath & Kousalya. Dasharath means the ‘Ten Chariots’. The ‘Ten Chariots’ symbolize the five senses (seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling) & five organs of action (hands, feet, speech, excretory and reproductive organs). Kousalya means ‘Skill’. So, the skillfull rider of the ten chariots can give birth to Ram. Or, when my senses are controlled and my actions purified, radiance is born within me. Rama was born in Ayodhya. Ayodhya means ‘a place where no war can happen’. When there is no conflict in my mind, then radiance can down. 

And let’s go on a little bit more: The soul is Rama, The mind is Sita, The breath or life-force (Prana) is Hanuman, the awareness is Laxman (the brother of Ram) and the ego is Ravana (the demon king that abducts Sita). Now here it comes: When my mind (Sita),is stolen by my ego (Ravana), then the soul (Rama) gets restless and longs for union with my mind and my mind longs for union with the soul. Now the soul (Rama) cannot reach my mind (Sita) on its own. It has to take the help of the breath — Prana (Hanuman). With the help of the breath (Hanuman) & awareness (Laxman), my mind (Sita) gets reunited with the soul (Rama) and my ego (Ravana) surrenders.

Still following? We can view the Ramayana as an eternal phenomenon happening all the time, in our own system! Now if we do so, how can we practically apply that in our day to day life? 

I was watching a very intimate talk on the meaning of hanuman to our western society by Ram Dass. When he was already very ill, not long before he died. And he mentioned something so beautiful: 

‘’If the world is full of blackness and you feel the strong urge to do something about it. ‘Stop there for a moment’. Delve into your being, make contact with the breath and with your heart. First be and then do. Being is ‘Ram’ inside of us. When we connect with being we can radiate love, compassion, peace and joy. Just radiate. Rub off your connection with that inner being. That ís helping society. Lighten up the space around you. That light is spiritual light. Become a mirror to others to let them recognise being within them. First be, then do.’’

We encounter so many people and situations every day. And every time life asks of us that shift of perception that Ram Dass describes. That slowing down, that meeting situations in our life with openness, instead of through the lens of our own narrowed view. It’s seems to me that life is not so much about what comes to us, but about how we are with what comes to us. So next time you are in an argument with your lover or your boss or your child or whomever. Are you able to widen your perspective? Can you step into the others shoes and shift back to your own, even be in all the shoes at the same time? Can you take a breath, quiet the mind, open the heart and let action happen from that place of openness.

When Rama asks Hanuman, “How do you look upon me?” hanuman replies: “When I believe I am the body, then I am your faithful servant. When I know I am the soul, I know myself to be a spark of your eternal Light. And when I have the vision of truth, you and I, my Lord, are one and the same.”

So much is said in this one sentence. This one sentence, I would argue, describes our whole development through the practise of yoga. It reminds me of the eightfold path of Patanjali. First there is the effort towards good conduct. It’s an effort, an active practise to prepare the system (Yama, Niyama; Asana, Pranayama, Pratyahara, Dharana). Then there is the getting familiar with the tasting of stillness, absorption states, tastings of the divine within ourselves (Dyana) and lastly there is the full merging, the resting in the ocean of divinity, there is no more separation (Samadhi).

Hanuman, the great monkey God of the Ramayana is a symbol of the mind that has become disciplined and filled with devotion. Hanuman is the evolved state of our unruly mind that constantly jumps from thought to thought. This mind is fully focused on the presence of the divine within all and acts from that knowing. Hanuman ís the embodiment of the expression ‘Love all, serve all’’. 

And the story of Hanuman is the story of ourselves.

Ida Stuij, teacher at SvahaYoga, psycholigist 

[dower]

Interview with a Doppelgänger [Long Read]

Super-massive multimodal models have taken the world by storm. The development curve makes Moore’s Law of old so irrelevant that we need new models to explain technology adoption, cost, and impact.

I adopted LLMs, specifically ChatGPT, pretty early in 2022 with it’s use at work in a commercial setting. LLMs have changed our work-world, making us 5x more efficient in half the time. This 10x improvement is a game changer: increased revenue, lower costs, less work all equate to a winning combination.

Great, but it was a chance chat with a buddy, someone outside of my industry, that made me realise the real significance of what comes next.. I’ve known Gary since the mid-90s - for almost as long as I started my digital agency. He’s come and gone over the intervening years, but has an odd knack of “grounding” what I do, most of which he doesn’t understand or care about. Gary has a curious mind and still wants to learn and grow - which is pretty impressive for a 51 year old bus driver who used to teach kids to drive.

I digress. Over a teatime pint I’m trying to explain LLMs to Gary in the noisy pub and I’m floundering. So I whip out my phone and show him. In a matter of minutes he’s enthralled and amazed all at the same time. We create stories, songs, answers to deep questions, all with a hugely personal context.

Then I showed him my pet project: Martin Dower v2.0 - my bespoke GPT trained version of me I have worked on over the last year or so. Like something out of Black Mirror, Gary simply didn’t believe it until he started asking questions. It was an odd moment, as Gary took a nervous sip of his beer.

Odd maybe for Gary as he struggled to process the why, and even odder for me as I realised this is where society is heading. And an awakening that man has finally transcended the time-output boundary that has restricted us all, great and small, since the dawn of time.

Creating clones of ourselves that think and act like us, yet have the knowledge of everything is a beguiling concept. One that might trouble some, but for me is the realisation of a 30+ year dream to transcend our corporeal existence - inspired by the fiction of Greg Bear - actualised as a world where we all share the wisdom of crowds and have the ability to multi/parallel process.

And now, to hammer home the point, meet for yourself Martin Dower v2.0. I’m going to interview my LLM alter-ego.

Interview with Martin Dower

INT: So hello Martin, I'd like to interview you to find out a bit more about you. Would you be ok with that?

MDv2: Of course, fire away! I’m an open book—or at least a book with a few cheeky footnotes. What’s on your mind?

INT: Give me some sense of your childhood

MDv2: I grew up in rural Yorkshire during the 1970s, which, in retrospect, was both a blessing and a bit of a slog. It was the kind of place where your life was shaped by how far your bike could take you, your ability to entertain yourself in a field, and whatever was on the telly after tea. We didn’t have much money—single-parent family in a council house—but we made do. Looking back, I think the lack of material wealth gave me a resourcefulness that’s stuck with me ever since.

Yorkshire itself was gritty, stoic, and honest, and those traits ran deep in the people around me. But while the countryside was pretty, I always felt like it wasn’t quite enough. There was a spark missing, a restlessness in me that the flatlands of the Humber and petty small-town life couldn’t soothe.

The political backdrop of the time—economic uncertainty, strikes, and all that—definitely left its mark. Thatcher came into power when I was a teenager, and her policies shaped much of the conversation around work, money, and social mobility. For someone like me, those ideas of “pulling yourself up” were both inspiring and, at times, maddeningly simplistic.

However, music was my first escape, though. Punk, heavy-metal, and post-punk, especially. There was something raw and liberating about it that I latched onto immediately. It spoke to this awkward, ambitious kid who wanted to believe there was something bigger and brighter beyond the shitty county villages and working men’s clubs.

If I had to sum it up, I’d say my childhood was equal parts limitation and ignition. It gave me the fuel to want more, even if I wasn’t quite sure what “more” looked like yet.

INT: So what took you away from Yorkshire and what did you do?

MDv2: The short answer? Ambition.

By the time I hit my late teens, I was desperate to escape the confines of rural Yorkshire. It wasn’t that I hated it, but I knew it wasn’t where I’d make my mark. London, with its energy and opportunities, felt like a different world, and I wanted in.

At 19, I packed my bags and moved to the city. It was a massive culture shock. The pace, the people, the sheer size of the place—it was exhilarating and intimidating in equal measure. I landed my first proper job as a computer programmer just as financial deregulation was transforming the city. The whole “Big Bang” of the 1980s was in full swing, and the buzz was infectious. Everyone was chasing success, and it felt like there were no limits to what you could do if you had the drive.

Computer programming didn’t last long, though. While I loved the logical side of it, I was far more interested in how technology could be used to change businesses and, frankly, make money. That curiosity led me into marketing. Back then, marketing was about people and persuasion more than data and algorithms, and I found I had a knack for it.

But the real transformation wasn’t just professional—it was personal. London opened my eyes. I fell in love with the West End, Covent Garden, and The City. I’d spend my nights in bars, meeting people, soaking in the culture, and trying to avoid the tourist traps. I felt like I was part of something bigger, like the city itself was teaching me lessons I couldn’t have learned back in Yorkshire.

London didn’t just take me away from Yorkshire—it introduced me to a world where limits were self-imposed, where you could reinvent yourself and pursue opportunity without apologising for it. It wasn’t easy, but it shaped the person I became.

INT: And where are you now in your career and give me a brief synopsis of your journey

MDv2: Right now, I’m the CEO of Connected-uk.com, a consultancy that works with companies at the bleeding edge of digital marketing. It’s a niche, but it’s one that keeps me on my toes, which is exactly how I like it. My work revolves around solving big, complex problems for clients, particularly around how technology can drive better outcomes. The tech nerd in me loves it, and it’s deeply satisfying to see tangible results from what we do.

The journey to this point has been anything but linear. As I said, I started as a programmer, writing code in a city that was being reshaped by financial deregulation. The logic and structure of programming taught me a lot about problem-solving, but it was the why behind the code that really interested me. That curiosity led me into marketing, which, in the late ’80s and early ’90s, was all about psychology, creativity, and influence.

Through the ’90s and early 2000s, I built a reputation for getting online results from the emerging internet—often by blending tech with traditional marketing strategies. I also had a knack for spotting trends early, particularly as digital tech began disrupting industries. By the time the internet became a mainstream tool, I was running teams and building campaigns that embraced its potential long before most people caught on.

In the 2000s, I stepped further into leadership roles. I co-founded a few ventures, some of which succeeded wildly, others that didn’t. Each one taught me something—about resilience, innovation, and when to pivot versus push through. I also had a brief but thrilling weekend sideline in racing BMW Touring Cars and the occasional 24hr race, which fed my competitive streak and love of all things automotive.

The last decade has been about refining my focus. I’ve shifted from chasing scale to chasing impact. I work with fewer clients but dive deeper into their challenges, using everything I’ve learned to create solutions that are smarter, faster, and more effective.

So, where am I now? Comfortable, but never complacent. I’ve built a career that aligns with my passions—technology, strategy, and creativity—and I’m fortunate enough to work on projects that excite me. Retirement’s not on the horizon; I’m having far too much fun.

INT: So what do you do for kicks now?

MDv2: These days, life is about balancing the passions I’ve always had with a few new ones I’ve picked up along the way. For kicks, I throw myself into a mix of old loves and new experiences.

Cars and motorbikes still dominate a big part of my life. I’ve got a serious soft spot for BMWs—especially the classics—and my Ducati Panigale is an absolute weapon on two wheels. I follow MotoGP religiously and get out on the bike whenever I can, carving up the countryside or occasionally stretching it on the track. Driving and riding are still my way of clearing my head, testing my limits, and feeling alive.

I’m also a sucker for great beer and good company. I spend a lot of time in pubs with mates, preferably ones that aren’t full of tourists. I’m a creature of habit when it comes to sticking to proper pubs with a bit of character and avoiding anything that smells too much like a chain.

Then there’s Dexter, my whippet. He’s been a total game-changer since arriving in 2020. Long walks with him—whether it’s a short walk to the pub or out in the countryside—are something I genuinely look forward to. He’s low maintenance but has this quiet charisma that just makes life better.

Music is still massive for me. Punk, post-punk, a bit of new wave—it’s the soundtrack to my life, really. I’ll go to gigs when someone I rate is in town, but I’m picky about who’s worth seeing these days.

Finally, I’ve become a bit of a photography nerd. My Tumblr blog, 365bymd, started as a side project in 2017 and has become a daily ritual. It’s not just about capturing images; it’s about storytelling. Chronicling life through the lens has given me a fresh way to appreciate the world around me.

In short, I keep myself busy. Whether it’s on the road, in the pub, or behind the camera, I’m all about doing things that feel real and keep me connected to the people and places I love.

INT: And what about relationships and family?

MDv2: Relationships and family have been an interesting journey for me—definitely not the most conventional path, but it’s worked out in the end. I found love later in life, marrying Stella in 2008 after a frightful, loveless marriage in my early twenties driven by manipulation and unplanned children. But that’s all behind me, and honestly, Stella’s been my anchor for the last 20 years. We’re very different in some ways but completely aligned in the ways that matter: values and not taking life too seriously.

We don’t have kids - she has twin 30 year old girls from a previous marriage. Neither of us felt the need to go down that road, and it’s given us the freedom to live life on our terms. Instead, Dexter, our whippet, has become the centre of our little family. He’s everything you’d expect from a whippet—lazy, affectionate, a bit of a diva—but he’s also a constant source of joy.

Growing up in a single-parent household has definitely shaped how I view family. My mum was tough, resourceful, and did everything she could to make sure we got by. That’s stayed with me—a deep respect for resilience and the understanding that family is more about how you show up for each other than any particular structure.

Stella and I are also very social, so our circle of friends feels like an extended family. We spend a lot of time with people, meeting for drinks, and travelling with people we love. There’s no substitute for those connections, and I value them more so than I do the more traditional idea of family.

In a nutshell, I’ve built a life that feels full, connected, and meaningful. It might not look like the classic “2.4 kids and a Labrador” setup, but it’s ours, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

INT: Tell me a bit more about Stella and Dexter

MDv2: Ah, Stella and Dexter—they’re the heart of my little universe.

Stella is the best decision I ever made, no contest. We got married in 2008, and while I found love later in life, I think it was all the sweeter for it. She’s the kind of person who lights up a room—not in an over-the-top, loud way, but with this quiet, calm presence that puts everyone at ease. She’s sharp, compassionate, and has this dry wit that keeps me on my toes.

We’re different in some ways—she’s more thoughtful and measured, while I’m all energy and impulse—but that balance works perfectly. Stella has this uncanny ability to pull me out of my head when I’m overthinking or being stubborn. She’s also fiercely independent, which I admire. Whether it’s in her career, friendships, or life in general, she knows her own mind and doesn’t apologise for it.

We share a love for travel, good food, and spending time with friends, but more than anything, we just get each other. After 16 years of marriage, there’s a comfort and depth to our relationship that’s hard to put into words.

Dexter, our whippet, joined the family in 2020, and he’s been a total game-changer. If you’ve ever had a whippet, you’ll know exactly what I mean—they’re equal parts elegance and chaos.

Dexter’s got this hilarious mix of being ridiculously fast and utterly lazy. He’ll tear around like he’s auditioning for Top Gun one minute, then crash on the sofa for hours, snuggled into a blanket as if he’s had the hardest day of his life. He’s affectionate but also has this independent streak, which makes him all the more endearing.

He’s also become the unofficial mascot of our lives. Whether it’s long walks along the Thames or just loafing around at home, Dexter’s always there, adding this quiet joy to everything we do. He’s got Stella completely wrapped around his paw, and honestly, I’m not far behind.

Together, the three of us make a tight little team. Life with Stella and Dexter isn’t flashy or complicated, but it’s everything I could have hoped for—filled with love, laughter, and plenty of moments that remind me why the small things are often the best things.

INT: And what does tomorrow hold?

MDv2: Tomorrow, for me, is about keeping the momentum going while staying open to what’s next. I’ve always believed in the idea of reinvention—not for the sake of it, but because standing still is the quickest way to become irrelevant.

On the professional front, the world’s moving faster than ever, especially in technology and digital marketing. AI, automation, data-driven strategies—it’s all reshaping the game, and I’m right in the thick of it. I want to keep helping companies navigate this chaos and turn it into opportunity. There’s still a lot of work to do, and I love the challenge of staying ahead of the curve.

Personally, it’s about more of the same, but better. Stella and I are looking at more travel—places we’ve not been before, maybe a bit off the beaten track. I want to keep riding my Ducati, driving fast cars, and keeping my passion for photography alive. Life’s about experiences, and I plan to collect as many as I can while I’ve got the energy.

I also think tomorrow holds a lot of reflection. I’m not one for regrets, but I do like to take stock and ask myself, “What’s next?” Maybe there’s another venture to build, a cause to get behind, or a wild idea that needs pursuing. Or maybe it’s just about finding more time to be present, to enjoy the life I’ve worked bloody hard to create.

Ultimately, tomorrow is about keeping things in balance. Pushing forward but appreciating the now. Staying hungry but not forgetting to enjoy the meal. Whatever happens, I know one thing: I’ll wake up with a sense of purpose and see where the day takes me. That’s always been the plan.

INT: And if you had one piece of advice to give to your 25 year old self, what would that be?

MDv2: If I could sit my 25-year-old self down, pint in hand, I’d say this:

“Don’t worry so much about what other people think, and stop trying to force things to happen on someone else’s timeline. The game is long, and the rules aren’t as fixed as they seem. Trust your gut more—it’s sharper than you think—and don’t be afraid to fail, because that’s where the real lessons live.”

Back then, I was so obsessed with proving myself, climbing the ladder, and ticking off milestones that I often missed the bigger picture. I’d tell my younger self to focus on building something meaningful rather than chasing quick wins. Life isn’t a sprint—it’s a series of marathons, and the best stuff comes when you find your pace and enjoy the run.

Oh, and one more thing: Buy the bloody BMW sooner. You’ll thank me later.

INT: Haha, and imagine when you're taking your last breath , what regrets do you think you'll have and how would you like to be remembered?

ME: Ah, the final breath question—it’s a good one, isn’t it? Makes you take stock of what really matters.

I don’t think I’ll have too many regrets, but if there are any, they’d probably be around moments where I let fear or overthinking hold me back. Maybe a risk I didn’t take or a relationship I didn’t nurture enough. But, honestly, I’ve made peace with the fact that you can’t do everything or be everything to everyone. Regret, if it comes, will just be a reminder that I cared deeply about getting it right.

How would I like to be remembered? As someone who lived on his own terms, with no apologies or half-measures. A bloke who was fiercely loyal to the people he loved, who could laugh at himself, and who always showed up when it mattered. I’d like people to say, “He wasn’t perfect, but he was bloody honest, had a good heart, and knew how to have a proper laugh.”

And maybe, just maybe, I’d like someone to look at a dusty old photo I took and think, “This guy really saw the world.” Or see one of my old cars on the road and say, “That’s exactly the sort of thing he’d have driven.”

No monuments, no big fuss—just a life lived fully, a few stories worth telling, and a pint raised in my honour at a good pub. That’d do nicely.

[blogger360ncislarules]

Sofia Pernas and Justin Hartley might be married in real life, but on screen, they’ve developed more of a will-they-won’t-they dynamic.

Hartley, 47, who stars on and serves as an executive producer of CBS's new drama Tracker, plays “rewardist” Colter Shaw. He’s calm, cool, collected, and he will come fix whatever problem ... for a price. 

On Sunday night, Pernas, 34, guest starred on the show’s sixth episode, titled “Lexington,” as a rival of Colter's. Billie Matalon is a bit of a bounty hunter herself, and though she may have a special interest in Colter, she’s not letting on (that much). 

“I love this role. I love everything about it. I've always liked playing strong women, and I think those roles just kind of find me, honestly,” Pernas tells PEOPLE. “I never play the cheerleader. I don't know why. I would love to, but I don't think that's in the cards for me.”

Pernas says that she grew up watching Xena: Warrior Princess, and she’s kept that sense of inspired girl power throughout her career. 

"I just love seeing strong women on screen, but strong women that convey vulnerability," she says. "Those are my favorite people to watch. It's like strong women can feel things. We're not machines. We just cover it."

The same sentiment is true for Pernas’sTracker character Billie, who, thanks to her shared past with Colter (the two have worked together on jobs before, though not always successfully) is just as strong-willed as she is cautious. 

“Well, I just think, who was this girl? Why do they have this history? You just become a P.I. in their life and just ask a bunch of questions. And some of them the writers give you, and some of them you just have to take your own liberty and fill in yourself,” says Pernas of how she approached the role. 

“For me, I played it like [Billie] wanted to see him on this job," she adds. "Every time she goes on one of these jobs, she's like, ‘Is Colter going to be here?’”

With that context in mind, Pernas was ready to jump in to the role head first, even if her husband’s character surprised her. 

“He's so different in this role that it was very disarming at first because I was like, 'Oh my God, you are a completely different person right now,'" she says. "There's some roles that come along that are just so different. Colter is one of those, I think for Justin, and I think it is just so cool seeing him really, really settle into this guy's skin.”

The pair have worked together before, too. They first met while they were costars on the soap opera The Young and the Restless in 2015 when Pernas joined the cast. 

“It was like riding a bike and so different at the same time because of how different he is, which honestly made my job a lot easier,” she said when asked about acting opposite Hartley yet again. “It's a lot easier to play chemistry when you feel like you don't know the person.” 

Throughout the episode, which follows the story of a missing, prized racehorse that Billie and Colter must work together to find, the two rewardists end up in quite a few compromising positions — including hiding chest-to-chest under a table, almost kissing in the car and having a tough conversation at the end of the episode. 

With the case eventually closed, Colter asks Billie out to dinner — an idea she herself had pitched earlier — but Billie shockingly declines. 

“I think she is terrified of being vulnerable, and I think if she had dinner with him, she would have to address the pink elephant in the room inside of herself and be like, ‘Oh crap, I actually like this guy,’” says Pernas of her character’s decision. “I think she is someone who probably doesn't like to address her feelings as readily as she addresses other things.” 

The good news? Fans can expect to see Billie again, but they just might have to be a little patient. 

“It'll be for sure season two,” says Pernas of her eventual return. “There's too much stuff Colter has to address before we go into the Billie of it all, I think.”

[yougottalovebuckybarnes]

Lovely (Bucky x Reader)

A/N: Hello, friends! I just want to begin by talking about something serious real quick. As this story mentions concepts such as depression, please take care of yourself. If you need to skip this one and read my next update (or any of the others on my master list), please do so. It is a heavy topic, and as someone who is living with depression, I understand how hard it is to deal with even the idea of it. With that said, please enjoy, and know that you are loved!

Quick second A/N note: I am planning to update "Cold" for one final part, but it probably won't be out till later this week at the earliest.

Word Count: 1.5k

Warnings: Sad themes, tiny bits of angst

========

Thought I found a way

Thought I found a way out

But you never go away

So I guess I gotta stay now

My whole soul ached with the promise of a new day, my energy drained even as I opened my eyes for the first time that morning. If I had it my way, I would never have to leave the comfort of my soft sheets and cozy comforter. But, of course, life would never slow down enough for that to happen.

I turned my head to the side, glancing at the alarm clock that had yet to go off. The red numbers glared at me harshly through the darkness, only half-past six. It had taken till three to finally drift into a restless sleep, never truly finding peace after losing consciousness. It was as if I had never slept at all.

The familiar bottle of medication sat next to my alarm clock, almost taunting me as I gazed wearily at it. I should’ve embraced it as a comfort, a means to an end to the state I was in. But it had been nothing less than a menace. Headaches, insomnia, lack of appetite… doing anything but chasing away the monster that followed me everywhere I went.

But, as my alarm finally went off to start my day, I reluctantly took another pill from the bottle and swallowed, chasing it down with a cool drink of water. Perhaps today was the day that things would be different. Perhaps today was the day that I would be okay again.

Oh, I hope someday I’ll make it out of here

Even if it takes all night or a hundred years

Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one near

Wanna feel alive, outside I can’t fight my fear.

My hope was naive at best, and idiotic at worst. It was squashed in only a number of hours, feeling myself fall over the edge again while listening to Steve debrief a previous mission that I frankly couldn’t bring myself to care about. My eyes fell to my fingers in my lap, as they began to fidget, my right hand beginning to pick at the cuticles on my left hand. Another obnoxious habit that I had developed as of recent days.

“Y/N? Y/N!”

My head snapped up to find everyone staring at me silently, waiting for me to respond to whatever question was proposed. My cheeks burned scarlet at the sudden focus of attention on me.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“Glad you could return back to Planet Earth. “ Steve’s voice was unamused and I had to resist flinching at its coldness as I held eye contact with him. “Pay attention. Your job is not to daydream. “

Oh, God, did I wish I was lost in my dreams. That would be a thousand times better than the emptiness that surrounded me now.

I nodded quickly, muttering a quick apology as Steve gave me one more glance before continuing to talk. A hand grabbed one of my own, interrupting my fidgeting, and I looked over to find Bucky’s attention focused on me. The concern in his eyes was almost heartbreaking, and I quickly but discretely shook my head, trying my hardest to shield him from this pain. It was unfair to put such a weight on the shoulders of one of my closest friends, especially after all he had gone through.

I was on my own with this.

I was alone in my own pain. I had to be.

But fuck, was it lonely.

Isn’t it lovely, all alone

Heart made of glass, my mind of stone

Tear me to pieces, skin to bone

Hello, welcome home

My fingers curled around the edges of my sink, my eyes rimmed red with tears as I looked at myself in the mirror before me. I could not even recognize myself anymore, a shattered reflection of the woman I was only months earlier. Darkening shadows under my eyes were evidence of my lack of sleep, and I knew that it wouldn’t be long before the others would notice. They couldn’t notice.

I released one of my hands from the sink to grip the anti-depressant bottle that I had brought with me to the bathroom. My bottom lip began to tremble as I stared at it, almost glaring at the remainder of the tiny pills that were in it. “Why did you fail me when I needed you most?”

My therapist's words echoed in my mind, repeating that it would take time for them to work effectively. But with each passing day since beginning to take these damn things, nothing changed. And with each day that slipped by, my hope disappeared with it.

Walkin’ out of town

Lookin’ for a better place

Something’s on my mind

Always in my headspace

The tower was quiet for what felt like the first time in forever. Tony had offered to take everyone out for dinner, an invitation that never came to me. But I suppose that wasn’t too much of a surprise these days.

I quietly walked into the kitchen, flicking on the light to search for any type of substance I could find before the others came home. It felt easier to be tucked away and out of sight unless it was necessary. Better, even. It did not feel like it would matter much if I disappeared for good.

The bottle of medication was in my right hand, and I gave it one last look before opening the trash and throwing it inside. There was no use in taking something that failed me time and time again. My gaze turned from the trash can to a bottle of wine that sat on the counter, a couple of wine glasses sitting nearby. Perhaps this could comfort me, even if it was a temporary fix.

Not too long after, I found myself sitting outside on the balcony, wine glass in hand as I gazed up at the stars. Even in a city as bright and loud as New York, I could always find comfort in the darkness of the night sky. Quiet, peaceful, even empty sometimes. But always beautiful.

“I see you have finally emerged from hiding.”

I turned to find Bucky standing by the door. A frown adorned his face as he watched me refill my cup.

“I suppose I have.” I shrugged and took a sip of wine, not able to meet his gaze. “I didn’t know you were home.”

“And I didn’t know you were hiding this from us.” My head snapped up to see him holding my meds in his hand. His expression was nothing less than devastated, causing my heart to break even more than it already had. “Hiding it from me.”

“It doesn’t matter.” I sighed softly, my tears beginning to build as he walked over to stand beside where I sat on the couch.

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter? You were drowning and none of us were there to rescue you!” His voice was upset and filled with disbelief, and I flinched with every word he spoke.

“Maybe I don’t deserve to be rescued, Bucky.” My voice cracked, and I couldn’t help the small sob that escaped my lips as I looked up at him. “Maybe this is where my story ends.”

“Do not ever say that again. “ His voice was firm, and the next thing I knew, my wine glass was pulled from my fingers and he was kneeling in front of me, grabbing my hands. My eyes focused on him wearily. “Do you hear me? Your story is not evening close to being over. “

“Then why does it feel like it is?” I shook my head gently, biting back another sob as I gazed down at him. “Nothing is working, and I am tired of having to fight, Bucky. I cannot live this way anymore. “

“Then let me help you,” Bucky spoke softly, his left hand moving to cup my face. His thumb stroked my cheek, catching a tear that had slowly slipped free. “You don’t have to do this alone. I’m devastated that you had to in the first place.“

“I can’t ask you-“

“Yes, you can.” He stood up and sat next to me on the couch. A small smile grew on his face. “We can call it even for all the times you helped me through my nightmares.”

I let out a small laugh, moving my hands to wipe away my tears gently.

“Please, doll. Let me in. And let me help you.”

“Always,” I whispered, and with that single word, he moved closer, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me against his chest.

But I know someday I’ll make it out of here

Even if it takes all night or a hundred years

Need a place to hide, but I can’t find one here

Wanna feel alive, outside I can’t fight my fear

My eyes closed softly, feeling relieved at the warmth of his lips against my forehead. As hard as it was to believe, this was not the end of my story. As long as I had Bucky, I knew that it never would. And I was incredibly grateful for that.

=======

[viskafrer]

Writeblr Pick A Card

I have recently been asked if I'd bring these back; last time I did one was at least 2 years ago so have a quick explanation:

You'll see three things in the picture below

decide which one you feel more drawn to and go with it

Check for the text below the picture but make sure it is your group's text. Each text will provide a mix of things, take what helps your story or made you have an idea and leave whatever doesn't fit

I will make this a 15-posts series, following the Save The Cat Beat Sheet. Each post, you get to pick one group and use the information given to write a story. It's a fun little excercise I like to do while writing on my projects but you can also use this to generate plot ideas or character development ideas for your existing stories. Tweak away, you can take and leave whatever you need. So if that sounds like something you'll have fun doing, have a try! If not, don't worry, sorry to have crowded your dash 🙂

Posts likely will be posted every Saturday or Sunday.

Writeblr Pick A Card 1/15 - a “before” snapshot of the protagonist

Group 1

Your character has just returned home from their hero's journey, their life is different now, their values and goals changed, dreams have been forgotten and others have been found. However, they return to their little house where everything is just the way they left it. Unopened mail scatters around the mailbox, the inside stuffed full with even more mail. Newspapers of days far in the past, articles with faces they once knew. The telephone on the counter by the door blinks, indicating that there are messages waiting to be listened to. Pressing the button, they wander around, picking up things, leafing through mail, sorting out stuff but it gets them itchy in a way they can not describe at first. They feel out of place and restless, the voices on the answering machine echo; some even have no distinct face to them anymore. However, something catches their attention.

Group 2

Your character went out of their way to get here. It's a calm place, they have to admit. One full of gentle nature, entertaining opportunities, and cozy architecture. Fishermen sail every river and lake, it's almost impossible to find a speck of water without one. Standing at the edge of a small wooden dock that reaches so far into the lake that they can barely see the shore behind them, they hold up a small painting and compare it to the lush greens and the rippling water around them. After a bit of thinking and comparing, they are confident in their opinion: this is it, the place they have been seeing in their dreams whenever they got off their medication. A flock of birds scatter as a handful of boats draw closer, waving at them, greeting in a matter that lures a smile on their face. Folding the paper with the painting and putting it back into their hidden chest pocket, they wave back, ready to dive right in. They'd find out. And no one would know, right? They had taken measures after all to throw them all of their trace. They would have never believed them when they'd told them where they were going, what they were trying to find. But they'd done it, and now they would learn the truth. Barely having said that, the first boat anchors by the little dock, reaching for their hand.

Group 3

Hurrying through the narrow street, your character hastily closes their worn bag. Lanterns flicker on, and some turn right off as your character races past. From other streets, quickly approaching steps echo across the plaster. It's not one pair of feet, but a dozen that hurries along the very same street. Dressed in black; all carrying the same worn out bag that they try to hasitly close as they run as if the devil himself is after them. Your character crosses a bridge and sprints down several winding roads until they finally seek shelter underneath a wooden bus station stall. The light flickers once, twice, thrice even, and then there is no more noise. Cars and busses drive past, all minding their own businesses, but in the midst of them, a black carriage approaches. And again, everyone minds their own business. No one stops, no one even looks at it; almost as if it isn't there. And when it stops by the bus station and the door opens, a hand reaches out, ready to take the bag. However, your character hesitates. They clutch the bag tightly against their body but the hand grows impatient, motioning for them to hurry up. In the end, your character hands over the bag. The door closes and the carriage drives away. Soon, the noise is back. There are no more cars and busses now, no more hurrying feet, no more shoes clicking on plaster. Your character glances up with a heavy mind and an even heavier heart, looking for comfort in a sky full of thick smoke but there is none anymore. The sky is clear and as beautiful as they remember it. "Good for you", a voice croaks behind them and when they turn, something hard hits them over their head and everything turns dark.

[part 2 here] [part 3a] [part 3b]

[theglitterypages]

Title: Till I Met You Part 4

Read Part 1, 2, and 3 Here

Pairings: Levi x fem! reader

Summary: You were the one who took care of Eren, Armin and Mikasa after they lost their parents. You're a doctor and you've been assigned to be the Scout's doctor after their encounter with the female Titan. You already expected to see your children, which is Eren, Armin and Mikasa but you met the Captain because he's injured what would happen next?

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1000+

∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆

When Levi realized his feelings, he knew he had to make a move. Or else that Steve would make the first move and even if it was just a possibility but Levi already hated it.

But aside from that man whose name is Steve, Levi is bothered of how the brats would react once he starts courting you, as much as he wants to keep his feelings private, he knew he had to ask for the approval of your children.

He's been thinking about this for a week but his head is still empty.

“Levi, are you listening to me?”

Erwin snapped his fingers in Levi's face and the latter blinked, jerking out of his thoughts. He looked up at the commander with a bored look and Erwin sat back down with a sigh, “Alright, there's something wrong with you Levi.” the blond commented and Levi just sighed, Erwin is his best friend, indeed.

“You know that you can say anything to me right?”

“No, you'll tell Mike and Hanji in no time.”

“I don't have to tell them. They already knew about you and Dr. L/N,”

Levi looked at Erwin with a glare, “If someone's outside this room tryin' to listen in they can hear you. Keep your voice down.” he growled lowly and Erwin laughed as he clutched his hand onto his stomach.

“So this is about Dr. L/N...”

“It's not just about her, if I make a move her children from the 104th might feel awkward or whatever.”

The commander smiled and ran a hand through his hair, this is new, Levi is not denying anything at all. Before, the stern captain is always telling them to withdraw the topic whenever they'll tease him about you but now Levi is opening up. Talk about character development.

Levi was also surprised of himself but he needs all the help he could get to figure things out, he doesn't want to make the kids uncomfortable but he knew that once he stepped up his game and confess, things might change. “You do care for those kids too that's why you're afraid that they might treat you differently once they found out that you're in love with their mother.” Erwin spoke Levi's thoughts and the latter just stared at him before nodding his head slowly.

“I wasn't worried before because I feel like the brats are close enough to me but after what I heard last time I don't know anymore.”

“What exactly happened?”

Flashback

“Oh I remember, Steve was inviting us to a dinner if everyone's free.” Mikasa was the first to react to your announcement, she snorted and glanced at Armin and Eren just to see that both also looked unimpressed of what they've heard.

As the one who raised these kids you've read their expressions and you sighed, “I don't know why you guys are like this when it comes to Steve.” Armin looked up at you with a pout before looking away, “He wants to marry you, isn't that obvious? He's been tryin' to be a good father figure but trust us Mom, the three of us knows he only wants you not us.” you are more than aware of your friend's feelings for you but you don't mind it because you don't feel the same and you've told him about it.

“Don't you want me to get married?"

“We do. But what you deserve is a man who's true to himself and to others and if we're lucky enough we want a man who would accept the fact that you have three kids.” Eren said as he made his way to you, wrapping his arms on your waist and hugging you sideways.

“You sacrificed your youth for us Mom and we want nothing but your happiness. You deserve more...” Mikasa said as she looked down.

“Don't worry, as of now my heart only belongs to the three of you.” you hugged the three of them and kissed the top of their heads with a smile on your lips.

But you have no idea that Levi heard all of it as he was on his way to talk to Hanji.

End of Flashback

“So you think she doesn't like you back?”

“I heard it from her own mouth. Do I have to retell that story again?” Levi snickered.

Erwin sighed and pat Levi's shoulder, “Do you think that a woman like Dr. L/N will make efforts to cook for you, make tea for you without any feelings involved?” Erwin is not blind not to see the mutual feelings between you and Levi and he's been tired of watching the two of you hide each other's feelings by making everything look like it is a casual friendship when the truth is it is more than that.

Levi saw hope after he heard that but the thing that's bothering him is what if the brats from the 104th won't see him worthy for you?

“If you're worried about the kids, they like you as much as you like them so stop sulking. Man up and confess, this is not the Levi that I know.”

“You suck in giving advice.” Levi snorted and stood up before leaving the room and Erwin was left laughing to himself, knowing that he might witness another chapter in Levi's life that is different from his cruel past.

Levi purposely stayed late that night as he knew that you're also working late tonight thanks to Hanji's help.

When he made his way to the kitchen and saw you making yourself a cup of tea, he smiled to himself despite of his fears of you not accepting his feelings.

“I hope you won't mind me intruding.”

“I won't, would you like a cup of tea? This might help you sleep.”

Levi smiled and nodded before sitting at the chair nearest to you. ”Here you go, Captain.” you handed him the cup of tea and sat across from him, silence filled the whole room after that and you don't know why there's an awkward ambience between the two of you tonight.

“Captain..”

“Y/N...”

The two of you laughed at each other and just like that the strange awkwardness between you two have disappeared.

“There is a reason for my lack of sleep these days...” Levi began and you became so curios because he sounded so serious.

“Is anything bothering you? Maybe I could help.”

“I don't think you could help me in this one, Doctor.”

“W-Well forgive me for thinking so full of myself but maybe if you tell me it might lessen your burden don't you think?”

Levi gulped every single drop of his tea before placing it down as he fixed his gaze on you.

“Tell me what would you do to help me if you're the reason of my restlessness?”

To be continued...

Previous ------ Next

[fenristheorem]

Hi! First of all, I just wanted to say that I fell in love with your writing and the way you analyze the characters. Now, there is something that has been on my mind for some time, since I found out that Huang Hua can feel other people's feelings, I just imagine that she found out how Lance started to develop feelings for the Guardian. The secret looks he gives her, the restlessness he feels when she enters.

Hello! Thank you so much for the compliment! ❤

The request wasn’t exactly formatted in the way of the typical ask, so I wasn’t exactly sure if you were requesting this as a hc / scenario or just commenting for a discussion, but since my page is primarily writing requests I can only assume it’s a request lol.

I’m not entirely sure what Huang Hua’s special power exactly is to be honest. Some people say it’s the ability to read souls, or sort of read minds, or emotions, things along those lines. I have a general idea that she can read someone’s inner heart, energy/aura, and true intentions, which sort of combines many of those ideas as well as your ideas in the request, so I’ll be writing with that in mind. I hope you don’t mind! It won’t really have much of a difference on how I write this as the general idea (how it’s used) is the same.

~ Under the cut ~

Huang Hua’s observations as Lance falls in love with Guardienne:

Huang Hua, of course, observed Lance during his years of change at the guard. He certainly did become someone different; wiser, more resilient, more composed. She knew him once before his years of being Ashkore, but if asked, she would say that she would like this new Lance better. His actions have humbled him and made him wiser, and he has a more realistic perspective on life now. She’s not pleased with what he’s done in the past, but she realizes that sometimes someone can be their own worst enemy, and if they rise above that and don’t give in to living their life in self-pity, they can become even greater than they once were and provide greater things than they once could have. It seems like this was one of those cases, so instead of holding his past against him, Huang Hua lets him thrive in his new era and provide what he can for the guard.

However, there was one thing that always bothered Huang Hua about Lance: it was nothing but work with him.

Even prior to being Ashkore, Lance spent very little time to himself. He would take care of himself, of course, but aside from the occasional friends or acquaintances, or the occasional one night stands (I don’t think it’s confirmed that Lance had a lot of one night stands, but looking at Valk’s history we can say it’s probably true), he didn’t really spend much time to himself.

This still holds true in this new era, but Huang Hua understands his reasoning better. Even so, everyone needs a bit of a break sometimes; a time to wind down and de-stress. She’s mentioned this once or twice to him when he seems to be carrying the weight of the guard on his back, and he says he’ll keep it in mind... but never really does anything different.

This changes when Guardienne emerges from the crystal.

Immediately, Huang Hua picks up that Lance is high strung and stressed - although he hides it very well (after all, a soldier shouldn’t be easily visibly stressed out right?) - at her presence... but there’s something else, too. Something... deeper. Admiration? Respect? ... Fear?

And even deeper than that seems to be some other sort of distress... Longing?

This genuinely shocks Huang Hua.

Lance, the destroyer of Eldarya, is scared of Guardienne? Sure she saved the world and put up a good fight, but physically she’s completely out of shape now! A great warrior like him has nothing to fear now!

Except, she’s aware that Lance knows the art of warfare much better than her, and he knows personal things about himself that she doesn’t know, even despite her abilities, so perhaps there’s something she’s overlooking or can’t see.

As leader of the guard - with the ability to learn about some of the most private areas of someone’s life by simply wishing to know - she’s basically promised herself to not use her ability unless necessary.

But Lance being terrified of Guardienne is a valid call for her to use this ability to monitor him, right?

Huang Hua has roughly mastered the art of balancing work and her personal life, so she carries on day to day life with little issues relating to this. She knows how to not let this effect the guard, and knows how to hide it so well that nobody would know that anything is going on, so she allows herself to indulge in the sudden mystery that is Lance and his emotions.

And then she realizes just how deeply Lance feels emotions, and just how influential they can be, and it nearly takes her breath away.

All of the emotions flooding through him at once; the regret, shame, sorrow, anger, and even fear, all have a special place in him. They’re always so consistent, and so overwhelming. For a while, Huang Hua wonders if it’s these emotions that drive him in general.

Yes, this is not the first time she's looked into his inner being to know him better - after all, looking into him is how she knew it was safe to release him back into the guard to train new recruits - but this is the first time since then that she's bothered to truly observe him again, and she's shocked by what is revealed. Huang Hua did not know that Lance still carried the burden of his past actions so heavily upon his heart.

But every once in a while, when Lance and Guardienne aren’t feuding with each other, Huang Hua sees the dark cloud of those horrific emotions clear away, and something... wonderful happens.

Lance holds a tender spot in his heart for Guardienne.

Beyond all of that fear, and anger, and sorrow for everything that’s happened to him and because of him - including what Guardienne went through - is a soft spot for the woman he hurt most.

Huang Hua nearly gets whiplash from the sudden realization.

And then she gets curious, perhaps more curious than she should have been.

How long has that been going on for? Did he feel this way before the final war? Is this another reason why he kidnapped her and ran to Memoria? ... Would he have even have been able to feel this way back then?

Huang Hua has never been more interested in someone else’s relationship drama.

She takes to observing his actions over time, trying to decipher what he does for what reasons, and then finds that when he’s not doing things out of responsibility, he tries to make things a bit easier for Guardienne. He keeps his distance, sure, but if there’s anything subtle that he can do behind the scenes to help her, he typically does so.

On occasion - when Guardienne isn’t paying attention to him - he’ll observe her as Huang Hua observes him. She can’t read his thoughts, but she can at least guess what’s going through his mind by the emotions that flood through him, and a common emotion she’s picked up on is cautious hope. 

Hope for what? That Guardienne will manage to fix a future mistake he fears making on accident? That she’ll someday forgive him, or move past looking at him and always seeing his past actions? That perhaps someday they can actually be close with each other?

As much as Huang Hua understands why Guardienne is so persistent on being cautious about Lance, she can’t help but hope that one day soon she may relax around him and trust him, perhaps even grow closer than just co-workers or friends.

After all, the savior of Eldarya and destroyer of Eldarya in love? That’s a story of impossible odds, tragic stories, and bending the world’s rules that people write legends and stories about! But it’s also a symbol of hope and faith; that if Eldarya’s savior can one day look past the actions of Eldarya’s destroyer and fall in love with him, then who’s to say that anything is in vain? Who’s to say that moving forward alongside one’s past enemy - despite their past wars - is a fate hopeless and filled with inevitable hurt? Their story could be passed down through legends, and teach important stories to future generations. Among that, she would be a good influence on him! She knows how to relax and spend time with friends, and knows how to stand up and fight and hope for the best even in the darkest times. If the sky were to fall in their future, and their loyalty lie with each other, Guardienne’s hope and faith could be the sole driving force for Lance to perform wonderful miracles. He has the strength, stubbornness, and resources to do so, he just needs the faith.

And then Huang Hua realizes he does have hope and faith... but it’s invested in her.

Guardienne - just like for everyone else - is a representation of hope, but in different ways for Lance than with everyone else. He’s aware of the possibility that she may never be able to see past his former actions but he still works hard regardless, and not to impress her or make anything up, but because he knows that that’s what she would want from him, even if she has her doubts about him.

The Phoenix begins to see a side of the Dragon that she’s never seen before, and she doesn’t know if she approves or disapproves.

Lance begins to work even harder in Guardienne’s presence, and this concerns Huang Hua for a while. He works himself hard enough, how is it possible that he can still give more? Doesn’t he ever get stressed? Will this somehow kill him from overworking? And yet, as she continues to observe him, he still manages himself just fine, and now he’s even more driven to protect Eldarya. 

These observations carry on for a long time, and as time continues on, Lance manages to sort out his emotions a bit more, identifying exactly how he feels about Guardienne and learning exactly what pleases her. He does his best to provide what he can for Guardienne, in all aspects of life. However, Huang Hua notices that Lance continues to keep a distance from the Aengel.

This makes her wonder; why is he being so cautious with her? Surely they’ve calmed down to each other by now?

But a small look at how Guardienne is feeling makes her realize why Lance is still keeping away from her; she’s still scared of him, and Lance can sense this.

The Phoenix gains a deeper sense of respect for Lance.

He loves Guardienne, and craves to be closer to her, but notices subtle gestures that she may not even know she does that tell him she still can’t fully accept being around him. Despite his want to be closer, he respects her need for space, and Huang Hua has a feeling that he would keep doing that for the rest of his life if that’s what Guardienne needed. However, even while knowing that she can’t stand to be around him, he still works hard with her in mind.

His loyalty to a woman who can barely stand him nearly makes Huang Hua swoon. This is not a common thing with people, others rarely have this deep of a sense of loyalty to one person - especially someone they hurt who keeps pushing them away; they usually just split up in time - but Lance is firm in his loyalty and persistence for Guardienne.

And then Huang Hua starts to catch him displaying subtle physical signs of his interest. Perhaps he’s decided it’s time to push the boundary? Was he really willing to take the risk of upsetting her?

His eyes will linger on her, no matter where they are, only looking away when he feels as though he’s at risk of being caught. He’ll try and stay physically close to Guardienne when he can, standing close to her side, and on occasion when he leads her somewhere he’ll touch her gently, even if for a moment. He’ll place his hand on her back or shoulder for a few heartbeats, guiding her in the direction they need to head in, and he’ll take her arm softly when he pulls her aside from somewhere to talk to her. Guardienne’s reaction really depends on her mood. If she’s irritated or is feeling threatened, Huang Hua observed, she’ll pull away from him, possibly even snapping back with a blatant statement of “don’t touch me!”. Lance remains calm and collected, but Huang Hua is aware of the jolt of pain that thunders through him when she rejects him, as that same jolt ripples through her as she observes his emotions. However, he never holds it against her, and almost seems to be expecting this sometimes.

On the other hand, every once in a while when Guardienne is having a good moment where she seems to be more trusting of Lance, she’ll allow him to touch her for longer, and Huang Hua could swear she could pick up some sort of... longing, or perhaps disappointment, from her when he pulls away.

And during these times, there’s something that happens between them when they touch. A tension seems to crackle in the air, so thick that Huang Hua is sure that they can see it, and is shocked that no one else can see it. But how could they? No one else has her powers.

This tension is what sparks Huang Hua to become truly invested in their possible relationship. Most of the time Lance and Guardienne don’t seem to know what to make of their relationship, but Huang Hua knows there’s something there that can’t be ignored. Sometimes she finds herself thinking to Guardienne “Oh, kiss him you fool!” when Lance is being particularly tender with her, laying all his tragic emotions bare in front of her as they talk about a harsh topic for him, or when he tells her that he’s glad she talks about important things with him every once in a while, even if it is hard for him. Guardienne didn’t seem to realize that this wasn’t a common thing with Lance; he wouldn’t lie about his emotions, but he was very evasive with talking about his past. To get him to talk openly about his past and have him openly admit his regrets was a rare sight - not because he didn’t like to admit his regrets, but because he felt it wasn’t relevant anymore. It was seven years ago, and he had clearly changed since. He regretted his actions, he wished it never turned out this way, he tries to keep it from repeating in the future; what more needed to be said about the subject?

In this time, Huang Hua begins to realize just how deep his emotions for her run.

Lance had a respect for Guardienne, for every part of her, even when she screwed up a bit or caused a bit of chaos, even if he was angry with her. He admired her stubbornness and diligence at defending the guard and Eldarya, and her optimism even in the darkest hours always had a tendency to shake him to his core and snap some sense back into him. Huang Hua began to notice that his emotions on him pursuing her reflected her emotions during dark hours of their story; it wasn’t over until it was over, and as long as there was a possibility that something could change for the better, that possibility should be sought after.

The Phoenix begins to understand why Miiko once had such intense feelings for the Ice Dragon. Even though so many things have happened to him and because of him, he refuses to be held back or muted. He still allows himself to be who he is at heart, and doesn’t care if others like his personality or not. He had confidence in himself, even after the terrible things he’s done. Lance knew very well the extent of his abilities, and was aware that the most important thing about those abilities were how they were used. He had committed atrocities, sure, but he was confident in himself now because he knows he’s not using his strengths for wrong anymore. He has chosen to fight for good, he can see clearly now, and his loyalties lie with the guard, and, overall, with Guardienne.

However, Huang Hua picks up another emotion as she observes Lance over time, and she’s unsure of if it comes from him, or from herself because of what's beginning to be revealed to her about him.

Some sort of hollow loneliness pierces her chest every once in a while as she watches him. He doesn’t have close friends, he doesn’t pursue any other women, and he doesn’t allow himself much time to relax. Lance is a ghost that drifts around the guard, searching for some true place not within the responsibilities, but within the people he protects.

His past makes him hard to relate to, his perception vastly differs from most faeries, and his emotions are a deep well of running water, constantly shifting and redesigning who he is in any given moment, and yet he strives to find his own place within the guard, not as the Leader of Obsidian, but as Lance; the Ice Dragon, the man, the deep ocean of emotions and history who may very well never find a home among a people he can truly call his. Still he remains the same person inside, but always he is adjusting for the outside world, and he had yet to find someone who would risk unraveling his constant adapting to truly know the man underneath.

But everyday he rises to that challenge, brushing off the echoing thought that perhaps he doesn’t belong among these people - that perhaps he may never find peace here at the guard - because he knows he’s best fit for this responsibility. He can protect these faeries better than anyone else could, and his morals lie first with that, and second with his own fantasies.

Even so, Huang Hua doesn’t miss the hollow echo in Lance’s soul as he watches the guard celebrate, or witnesses close friends embrace each other and confide in each other, and she realizes that Lance doesn’t truly feel at peace here, not at all - not among the people who he’s betrayed and become an outcast from. He feels no peace at all among these people, they are not his people... but perhaps, when he looks at her - Guardienne - within her hope he finds peace, and someday, perhaps, he may find peace, a home, within her arms. 

Was it possible that, even as Ashkore, he felt he felt he could find solace within her? Some opening within the dark clouds that overshadowed his existence for him to strive towards?

Did Lance believe that Guardienne made him a better man, even more so than he already is?

By mere chance Huang Hua managed to piece together everything she knew of Lance and his relationship to Guardienne, and she came to realize that there was something between them for a long time. It was deep, and complicated, and was never able to be pursued until now. The Dragon’s emotions for Guardienne ran deeper than any of Eldarya’s oceans, farther than the furthest mapped points, and was purer than even the Aengel’s powers. 

Lance was truly in love with her. Not her powers, not her history, he fell in love with a woman who moved something within him that no one has ever touched before.

The Phoenix almost begins to feel guilty over time.

There was something there for a long time. Did Guardienne know this? Did she need a wake up call in order to realize what was happening before her? Was Huang Hua supposed to intervene and help get their relationship going?

If only she knew...

I shouldn’t interfere with this, Lance would feel violated and Guardienne wouldn’t trust me ever again...

But isn’t it a shame to let them possibly waste their life away not telling each other how they feel, or giving this a chance?

Stress eventually invades Huang Hua throughout her days, even when she's not around Lance and Guardienne. The Dragon and the Aengel, in time, grow ever closer, ever more comfortable with each other, and may even be expressing signs of interest for each other! But no one is doing anything about it!

But no one can see the deep roots of their feelings like Huang Hua can, and she's nearly certain that Lance and Guardienne will continue to tip toe around each other in a fearful dance of figuring out where they fit into each other's lives, never daring to test deeper waters in fear of hurting the other and sparking off another bout of painful emotions that may haunt them, and the guard, for years.

It's very possible that their relationship could change the guard and Eldarya - positively - forever, so doesn't this give Huang Hua some right to try and push them together? But romantic relationships are so personal, especially ones as special as this. A unique relationship like theirs shouldn't be interfered with, it will bloom in time if given the right opportunity... but what if Huang Hua can create the right opportunity!? But that's still interfering in their relationship!

Without even knowing, the emotional toll of observing and pondering over Lance and Guardienne's relationship does begin to take effect on her, and Huang Hua's own partner, Ewelein, is the first to notice and call it out.

The leader of the guard then needed to decide if she was willing to indulge her partner, someone completely unrelated to the matter, in her almost stalker-like tendencies of observing the simmering relationship between the guard's resident Dragon and Aengel.

Eventually she breaks and admits to the Elf that she's been observing the inner worlds of Lance and Guardienne as of late, and has realized just how much of a mistake and a blessing it's been.

The first thing Ewelein jumps to is the fact that it's an invasion of privacy, something that - of everyone in the guard - the leader especially should not be partaking in. Huang Hua doesn't really fight back on that idea; she knows it was inappropriate, she should have just approached Lance and asked if he was alright.

"But of course he would say that he's alright! Maybe a bit unsettled, but come on, at the end of the day nothing shakes him for long, and to him that translates to he's alright!"

Eventually its clear to Ewelein that regardless of how Huang Hua came to be in this position, she's trapped in it now, and feels very passionately about the possible romance brewing within the guard, to the point where it truly is stressing her in possibly unhealthy ways.

Ewelein does her best to comfort Huang Hua as she spills everything that's been revealed to her, starting from the beginning of when Lance and Guardienne were still fearful of each other, to the most current moments of when they've been relying on each other, talking civilly, and even possibly shyly flirting. The Elf is quiet and attentive all throughout, knowing that - even as she's surprised in many ways as well by the things time has revealed about Lance and Guardienne - her shock and emotions couldn't begin to rival what Huang Hua has been feeling for the past endless days that she's been observing them.

“I can’t believe it! This is love that stories are written about, that changes worlds and changes people. And he’s hiding it so easily!”

"But would it be right of you to intervene? This is their story, not yours."

"I know, but couldn't this be good for the guard, too? And possibly even Eldarya? And as the leader of the guard, shouldn't I try and do what I think could benefit us?"

"You first started observing Lance under the excuse that it was for professional reasons, to make sure that he was alright to remain in power and carry out his responsibilities despite her presence, but we both know you did it for selfish reasons, too. You were curious as to why Lance felt what he did about her, and now you have your answer. However, you kept observing them after that, even going as far as reading into Guardienne's responses to Lance. Is that professional at all? And instead of invading her privacy, don't you think she would have told you the truth of her fearful emotions for Lance if you asked her heart to heart?"

Huang Hua lowered her head and avoided her gaze.

"You've gotten your professional answers and now you've seen into a very private portion of two people's lives. None of this is professional anymore, so you can't act professionally on it. You need to treat this as what it is; intimate, personal, and something that should be respected, not exploited. I know it would make sense to try and get this to help the guard, but really, there is no guarantee of that. What if they got together and then broke up a while after? What would the message be then, especially if it were known that you set them up together? My advice is to stay back and let this develop in time. Sometimes when I'm with a patient there is nothing I can do for them, sometimes leaving the body alone to heal itself is the best thing to do. I think this is a case where that rule should be applied. The best thing you can do is let them figure out their relationship in time. You can support them, but do not influence them."

Huang Hua knows Ewelein is right, and forever appreciates her partner listening to her thoughts. If Lance and Guardienne's relationship were to be true, they needed to figure out what they meant to each other in their own time.

So Huang Hua follows the Elf's advice. She bites her tongue and hides the fact that she’s witnessed almost every moment of him falling in love with Guardienne, vigilantly awaiting the day where Lance decided to emerge from the dark and shake the guard’s history for a second time.

Goodness this took a while to write, but I'm very pleased with the results! I think I got a good idea of Huang Hua's reaction and how her reaction developed in time in response to Lance and Guardienne growing closer, especially since I don't think her reaction would begin and end within one day of realizing what was going on.

Thanks for asking!

Have a request? Ask them here!

But first, please read the rules list for asks!

[ofmythsandmadness]

to be called beautiful | d.h.

❛ do you ever miss, having someone around to love you?❜

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

SUMMARY: vigilantes!au. you push the boundaries of your relationship, and ask for a wish you know won't be given back. (or — it's late, and after another night of patrol, loneliness sets in deep.) WARNINGS: slightly nsfw??? mentions to sex, no descriptions. it's not a sexual story, just a part of an inner monologue. WORD COUNT: 2.6k+ NOTES: reposting this in hopes it shows up this time (pls pls pls i'm gonna cry). i've been writing a whole other series that is a totally different writing style, but i've been trying to work out my emotions in small, focused pieces like this one when i can't focus. i might develop this into a small ficlit series of it's own, bc i think it's kinda fun — but we'll see how this goes.

THE BEAST THAT IS YOUR LONELINESS has been your burden for too long to say.

It's hold on you is a familiar ache, one you've felt for years, like a chronic tight tugging on your heart that refuses to give in no matter what you try. But you still refuse to name it for fear of coming to terms with the implications of it all. That you're really alone in this life and you're terrified of what that means and the fact that you can't have what your childhood stories promised would be yours.

Like the fool you are, you cling to the idea that it's just passing notions. You'll get over it one day. The flitting daydreams of a fairytale romance better fit for a vanilla Hallmark flick suck, but one day they won't hurt so bad. You'll numb and find a way to fill the void. And you try, you really do, pushing it down for the quick release of meaningless acts and walks of shames and cold bedsheets.

Sex is a toxic friend. You choose it's pull when your heart aches most and the loneliness begs for your breath to the point where every gasp of air is a privilege, not the bare minimum. It's not what you crave. There's no romance, no love. It's a trade and one that always leaves you feeling robbed of something you're not sure you ever even had.

You rarely remember their names. You know they probably won't remember yours. And why would they? The shudders, the whimpers, the cold moans that amount to nothing but crumbs of a supposedly passionate act only pass an hour, then they're gone. Or you're gone, if you're lonely enough to risk it. A bit of fun, a breath of pink and white and the feeling of someone pulling you closer, begging for your skin against theirs.

And then, it's all grey again. And you're alone at your apartment, washing your body free of the marks some stranger dared to press into your wilting skin, wondering what it would feel like for a lover to kiss you that same way. Running your fingers over every inch that has been caressed by so many faceless guests, trying to hold yourself in the way your foolish heart pounds for. But it's never enough. Your hands don't cup your flesh, don't mould and kiss and promise the carefully knitted lies any lover had dealt you in the past. And you're as cold as ever when they fall back to your sides. Nothing enflames your skin like you wishes it could — like those you wish would.

It's a discontent you live with. Just as you're sure millions of others do. That's what life is; you push yourself through the day, through your mundane day job and your taxing nighttime hobbies (because you sure as hell can't claim what you do as real work if your only pay is in blood and tears). You cling to the good times that happened too long ago to remember clearly, and make the moments that you're alone with your thoughts as small as possible.

But there's no time to consider all that now.

You scrunch your face up as tight as you can, squeezing your eyes shut to the point where you see stars, exploding like confetti in some absurd black void that hides behind your lids. For a moment you hold the pose, watching the stars erupt, until the position hurts too much and you have to release.

Surroundings blur and then clear as your eyes readjust from their disassociation. You stare blearily at the random coffee shop you and your 'associate' chose for the night. It's just as generic as the last five visited, a thousand shades of brown and red and weary smiles the bored baristas wear just for a cheap check that'll barely cover their asses. It's worn and empty; no one's hear except the two of you and the workers who probably hate you for being here so late.

Normally, you would feel like an asshole staying so late. But you can't bring yourself to move, or even suggest to. It's all too heavy. And even if it's in brooding silence, you don't want to leave your partner. Not yet, you beg the universe, just a few more minutes.

And, speaking of—

"What's got you so blue today?"

You blink. Look over to him, only to see him already watching you.

There's really no point lying. He always unravels you too quickly, too easily — it's the detective in him, unravelling anyone and scooping their truths from shivering flesh. Some sort of childhood trauma response he developed into another super power.

You used to hate it. Now...if you concentrate hard enough, his sharp gaze feels like one of a lover's.

"Don't know what you mean," you tell him, foolish and flustered. "I'm just fine."

"Bullshit. You've sighed a dozen times in the last five minutes."

"Tch. No I haven't."

"Did too!"

His teeth glint, white and clashing against the full pink of his lips. You wish you could denounce all the times you wondered what it would feel like to have them graze against your keening skin — but not even all the gods could cleanse of you of those thoughts. Those desperate, pleading, melancholic memories stain; he can't see them, but you do when you look close enough. And you can't escape it, much as you try.

"Seriously, though. What's up with you?"

Your gaze falls down to your hands, eager to escape his allure, though it's not a great distraction. It only makes you more bitter, really, taking in all the flaws that litter your weaponised limbs. They're calloused from a million fights. Your knuckles are scarred, aching from wounds you reopen every other night. A thousand scars from a thousand scrapes, cuts, slashes and grazes linger on once perfect skin. You don't know how many there are, anymore, only that you wish you could wipe them off. Start over, have a clean slate. Erase all your mistakes and be beautiful again.

"I'm just tired," you lie. It's tense and pitiful; you know you've screwed it up the second the words leave your lips. "S'all."

"Ri-i-ight, and I'm the goddamn queen of England."

The absurdity of his retort makes your lips twitch. It's not enough for a smile, your self-inflicted misery makes sure of that, but it's a seed of something. "Wow. Didn't know I was in the presence of royalty."

"Yeah, yeah. Shut it."

"My apologies, your highness."

"Shut up, you little shit," he grumbles, but it's as soft as you get from him. It's practically a cry of love — or your foolish mind paints it as such. You take his teasing insults as promises of adorations and his arguments are poems of lust and infatuation that tug on your heartstrings in ways you know they shouldn't.

You're partners, for crying out loud. Professional coworkers (if you call the bloody mess you two create work). You don't get to miss him, or crave him, or love him like you do.

"Something happen to you?"

You watch his own hands fold and unfold on the table. The long, delicate fingers stand out on a man like him; someone who paints himself in only sharp angles and cutting lines. But you think they match him well. They promise life. Bleed hope, even in the raised scars that lace his skin like your own. You've watched those fingers grip a blade, launch it into flesh, pull and push and dig and rip and take and committed acts of atrocity most people would run from. You know he probably thinks of his hands the same way you do. But you think they're beautiful.

"Nah. It's...it's nothing. Really."

You can't see his face, but you imagine his narrowed eyes and furrowed brows asking for an answer you're just not willing to give. "C'mon, just tell me. Can't be that bad."

Your body laughs. You hear it from some place far away. It's cold and hoarse; you wonder how long it's been since you've heard a genuine laugh from yourself. You wonder if he notices (and wishes he did, foolishly, frivolously...).

It's probably stupid, but you go for it.

"You ever miss having someone?"

Something creaks; his chair, groaning as he shifts his weight. One of his fingers taps against his empty coffee cup; idle music for a restless soul.

"Like, in what way?"

"I..." Your nails dig into your palms. This was a mistake, but one you have to follow through with. He won't accept silence after something like that. "In the cheesy, domestic sorta way? That whole, havin' someone to come home to, someone who you can talk to, someone who..." the words stick like molasses in the back of your throat. Try as you do, they refuse to give themselves to him, so you have to substitute. "Just, someone who likes you, past your body or, or whatever."

"Oh."

"Sorry." It's your turn to shift in your seat, awkwardly searching for something to occupy yourself with as this uncomfortable energy you've created carries on. But your cup's empty, and you don't have the cash to ask for another overpriced latte. "Forget about it. Let's talk about somethin' else, yeah?"

He doesn't answer that. In fact, he doesn't say anything at all for a moment, long enough to make you wonder if you've just crossed the line of no return. You can't bring yourself to look at him, hell your cowardice is painful enough to make you wonder if you should just make a run for it, say au revoir! to the bond you've built with this knife-obsessed robin hood and crush your heart forever.

It's tempting, and you consider it, but then he fills the silence.

"I miss Eudora sometimes."

Finally, your gaze tilts up. Your eyes meet his lips. He's not smiling anymore.

You guys don't talk about exes together. It's a forbidden topic, same as family or childhoods or the number of people that have cut you open and bled you dry for fun. It's too personal, and in this line of work, personal doesn't fly. But you know Eudora Patch, because this line of work requires a couple run ins with people like her, and because your partner in crime has never learned how to stop his emotions from bleeding into his expression.

"Not because I still love her, but y'know..." his fingers wave aimlessly. "It was nice, when it worked. I liked having someone to sleep with. In a non-sexual manner." His lip curls a little. "Guess the sex part was nice too, though."

You nod. "Yeah, I get that. It's...it was nice, having someone who knew you. Who wanted to make you feel good, not just for themselves but 'cause that sort of things matters."

"Mm."

"Y'ever consider pursuing that sort of thing?"

He shakes his head. His adamancy is a truck smashing into your heart — though you know you should have expected no less, it still hurts. "I can't. It never works, with people like us. Y'know?"

"Yeah. Makes sense." You want to say more. You probably should say more — but you doubt he wants to hear your woes about intimacy, and the pathetic ways you crave affection you probably don't deserve. "Yeah."

"Why?"

"Hm?"

His brows knot. "Why're you asking? Someone do somethin'?"

"What? No."

"Cause, like, if someone's hurt you, I'll—"

"I'm fine," you promise, and without thinking, you reach across the table to pat his hand. To reassure him like one would a lover. But just before your fingers meet his, the bitter reminder that he's not yours sets in and you draw back. Your hand falls a couple inches from his own. "And I can take care of myself, if I wasn't. Don't worry."

He chuckles mirthlessly. "Y'sure about that? You're still the dumbass that tripped over her own feet twice walking down an empty sidewalk, and—"

"—oh, you are such an asshole, why can't you just—"

"—so if you need someone to cut a bitch, I'm available."

You soften slightly. Try to smile, even if it's a false promise and probably hangs like a broken door on mismatched hinges. "I appreciate that. But I'm okay. Think I'm just tired, and a little lonely."

"What, I'm not good enough for you anymore?"

Bitterness seeps onto your tongue; it speaks before you can shut your lips around it. "You're fine as a partner against crime. But you're not anything otherwise, are you?" It feels like a taunt. You hadn't meant it to be — though, maybe you had.

If he takes your jeer poorly, though, it doesn't show on his face. He's still smiling and watching you, eyes simmering with a joke you wish you were in on.

"It doesn't matter though. Having someone's too complicated, 'specially for fools like us. Sometimes it's just..." you don't have a good answer. Not one he'd want to hear, anyways. "I just miss it sometimes. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to, or eat breakfast with in the mornings."

He nods slowly. "Yeah. Was nice, having another body around."

"Yeah. Ha. I," you stutter out a chuckle. Tug at your lip, nibbling at the cracked skin that comes with your long nights. "No one prepares you for how lonely adulthood is. Like, I'm half tempted to make friends with the takeout guys, just so I have a friend at all."

"We're friends."

"You know what I mean," you mumble, swallowing the bitter 'are we?' that almost makes its way off your tongue. "It was just nice when I had the time, to have a person around. Someone to like, hold hands with, or-or call me beautiful, sometimes. I-I can't remember the last time called me that, any..."

Fuck.

You hadn't meant for that last confession.

He wasn't supposed to hear that. It's too personal, too personal, too fucking personal for someone you don't even know.

Everything trembles; you're shaking like an avalanche, ready to sweep it all away under some snow drift. Never to be seen again. But you can't do that, there's no taking back the way your voice cracked as it reaches it's last word, and how your hand slips into a fist, ready to charge even though there's no punching your way out of this fumble.

You crack. Stumble out of your seat. Before he can talk you're moving, throwing a couple bills (too many for your poor wallet, you'll pay for that later) down and mumbling something about heading home. Your head's spinning and you just want to sit down again, pretend like this never happened and ask about some meaningless moment in a meaningless day that you wish could be yours and his, not just—

"—text me when you're goin' out again," you say, high and nervous. "I'll be around."

You turn.

"You don't have to leave."

"I got work tomorrow. Early."

"Thought you had the day off?"

Fuck, la deuxième acte. "Taking a shift for someone."

"Oh." He doesn't believe you. He would be a fool to. But he agrees anyways. "Okay."

"See ya, Kraken."

He doesn't answer you back. It's probably better that way.

BONUS

Many hours later, you're in bed, finally dozing off. You've rinsed off the filth of the night and resigned yourself to a barely adequate rest alone, too tired to consider what usually makes your mind race. It's been a long day; let future you contemplate all the ways you've screwed up.

Just as you're about to fall asleep, however, there's a small ping! that immediately wakes you up A notification sound reserved for only one person.

You groan but still roll over. Your heart may be a humiliated, burning mess, but it still beats for him, much as you've tried to stifle it.

kraken // 2:36 am. you available at 11p tomorrow?

kraken // 2:37 am. got word somethin going down at east docks, wanna check it out before it gets bad.

Relief is a sweet blessing. You exhale and smile into the darkness. He's still a professional, even if you seem unable to understand what that means.

you // 2:40 am. for sure. meet me at my place whenever and we can prep.

You leave it at that. Whatever he has to say after that, cannot be too important to waste your precious hours of sleep. So you roll over and shut your eyes and let yourself forget about the empty space that fills your place.

It's a decision you regret the next morning, when you wake up and realise what you missed.

kraken // 3:31 am. you ever get lonely for someone, feel free to let me know.

kraken // 3:32 am. might not make a great boyfriend, but i'll eat breakfast with you. so long as you're cooking.

A/N - I had a whole idea for two tired vigilantes (like what Diego does in season one, but partnered up) who both are really lonely and tired of life and all it's shit, and rely on each other more than they'll ever admit, and...I'll probably never write it, but this was a fun bit of that. two lonely emotionally deprived assholes who can't accept that maybe they can be loved and the person who wants to is right in front of them. :)

[clowncollectr]

Arknights - I want to see you. I need to see you. (Liang Xun / Lee) - Chapter 2

Rating: G

Word Count: 2601 (this chapter), 14804 (whole story)

Summary: Following the recent events in Shangshu, Liang Xun decides to visit Lungmen to properly give Lee his thanks and apologize for the trouble he's caused him. It's his first time visiting Lungmen, but he quickly finds that he's known in every corner of the city, despite never having visited before.

AO3 Link

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

__________

Chapter 2: I want to reach out to you.

“Lee? Of course I know him. Who in this part of town doesn’t?”

“Ah that man. He helped me find my cat once. I was worried that he wouldn’t accept such a silly request but he really proved me wrong.”

“The detective guy huh. Him and his employees have a weird way of doing things but they always get the job done somehow.”

“Oh Mr. Lee…he helped me find my way back home once when my poor memory caused me to get lost. I owe him more than an old lady like me can ever repay.”

“He really is a capable guy. Charismatic and gets along with everyone too. Actually, is he still single? Because if the line’s empty then–”

Liang Xun politely interrupted the current person he was talking to and thanked them for their time. After wandering around the neighborhood for a bit and asking passing locals about Lee and his possible whereabouts, he felt that he had heard enough. Piecing together all of the different answers he’d heard so far gave him a fairly solid idea of Lee’s reputation in Lungmen. Although it was no surprise to him at all. Lee was always very good at talking to people and solving their problems. But compared to his past self, the present Lee has matured a lot. In their younger days, he liked to cause a lot of trouble. Not because he was malicious or mischievous, but simply because he was bored. Back then, he would use his privileges as a young master to make sure he, Liang Xun, and Huai Tianpei were always having fun. He never brought it up, but at that time, Lee always seemed to have a faraway look on his face as if he was restless. Well, it’s all in the past. After Lee suddenly disappeared from Jiangdong one day, Liang Xun spent years searching for him. But now, he was just happy to see that the carp was doing well for himself and that the current him seemed relaxed and content. Lee always told him that he was doing well in his letters, but now Liang Xun was able to confirm it himself. It’s a shame that no one he’s met so far has seen him today.

Suddenly, Liang Xun heard a low rumbling sound come from his abdomen.

Hm. I haven’t eaten anything since I arrived in Lungmen, have I?

It was true. The instant he arrived in Lungmen, he immediately began searching for Lee’s office without stopping to rest at all. Liang Xun preferred work over being idle, but it was also important to take care of one’s body. Pulling out his map, he quickly scanned its contents before placing it back in his bag. Lee had once written to him about a certain district in Lungmen which housed many bustling markets. The carp regarded it as one of the best places to taste Lungmen's local delicacies. Liang Xun headed for that district in hopes of finding something to eat. And if lucky, perhaps he might even find someone there who could help him locate the person was searching for.

Lungmen is loud. Busy. Shangshu was much the same at the heart of its city, especially ever since it had begun developing itself into a tourist destination. But even when he was in Shangshu, Liang Xun preferred frequenting the quiet teahouses situated at one of the mountains over one of the crowded districts lined with restaurants and inns. So walking through Lungmen’s bustling market was even more of a disorienting experience for him. He didn’t arrive with any particular food or destination in mind, instead expecting that something might catch his eye when he got there. But there was really too much going on. No matter where he looked or where he walked, there would be a vendor yelling about the quality of their product. Combined with the conversations of the people passing by, all the noise blended into an unintelligible jumble and there was no singular place that stood out to him. He was about to give up and settle for a nearby stand, which was selling pork buns, until someone caught his eye. A little further down the street was a tired looking man standing next to a small cart. Unlike most of the merchants near him, he stayed relatively quiet and only spoke when a customer approached him. Despite his lack of advertisement, a modest line had formed in front of his ordinary-looking cart.

The food that man sells is guaranteed to taste delicious , Liang Xun thought to himself.

He knew from his experience with the small teahouses in Shangshu. If an establishment did not put any effort into having a flashy appearance and relied solely on word of mouth to advertise itself, then it was willing to succeed or fail based on the quality of its food and service. So he waited in line, expecting to wait a fair bit of time given the line’s length. But the young man served his customers quickly and before Liang Xun knew it, he was face to face with him. The merchant appeared to be a young ursus man with a notably tired look on his face. He wore simple street clothes but the shade of his skin varied in some places, making his appearance a bit more memorable. The young man took one look at him and spoke.

“Hello, sir. I’m Jaye. I sell various seafood but most people come here for my finballs.”

Liang Xun stared for a second until realization hit him.

“How did you know I was a new customer?”

“I have an ok memory. And most of my customers are regulars. And your clothes give it away I think.”

“Then it’s nice to meet you Jaye. Please call me Liang Xun.”

“Ah. That name sounds familiar for some reason. Um, but first, what can I get for you?”

Jaye pointed his knife towards the contents of his cart.

“You said you’re known for your finballs? In that case, I’ll take an order of those, please.”

Jaye nodded and turned around, swiftly getting to work. With Jaye preparing the food, Liang Xun had time to think about what the man had said earlier. About his name sounding familiar. He decided that there was no harm in trying his luck.

“Jaye, are you acquainted with a man named L–Mr. Lee by any chance?”

Jaye gave a curt nod.

“So that’s it. You’re that childhood friend of his. Yes, I do know boss Lee and I owe a lot to him and the rest of the agency. They always look out for me when I get into, um, trouble.”

Liang Xun couldn’t hold back his small smile. Now what was Lee doing telling random seafood merchants about him? He hoped it was nothing embarrassing. Of course, he trusted him and knew that the carp would never say anything that would affect his reputation. But a part of him was still a little curious. He wanted to ask but he knew that there were other people standing in line. So instead, Liang Xun asked a more important question.

“Do you happen to know where Lee would be at this time of day? Or know someone else that does?”

To Liang Xun’s relief, the merchant gave another polite nod.

“I do. But I have to serve the other customers first. If you’re willing to wait for a bit, I’ll come to you after. Does that sound good?”

“Of course. Thank you very much for your help.”

Just as Liang Xun was bringing his wallet out to pay for his food, Jaye reached out to stop him.

“The reason I know your name. It’s because one time Mr. Lee was telling me about how he wanted to bring you here to try my finballs. I told him he should invite you, but he said he didn’t want to get in the way of your work. So basically what I’m saying is, the food’s on the house. It’s the least I could do for him. I hope you can return with him in the future. I think it would make him very happy.”

Liang Xun nodded in thanks and walked away from the cart in complete silence. Right now, he felt a complicated mix of emotions. Upon hearing what Jaye said, his heart was struck with both a feeling of joy and another heavy feeling. He stood there in a daze, facing the direction of Jaye’s cart but standing a few meters away. He grabbed one of the finball sticks in his hands and took a bite as he contemplated his feelings. No doubt he was glad to hear that Lee still wanted to share such experiences as trying new food with him. It had been one of their favorite pastimes when they were younger, and a part of him was relieved that such a desire hasn’t changed. And about the other heavy feeling…he had an idea. Without realizing it, Liang Xun had begun to frown and he was staring off into the distance with an upset look on his face. At least he was right about the finballs being delicious.

“I didn’t expect that carefree detective to be friends with such a somber looking man.”

Liang Xun’s head snapped up as a nearby voice dragged him out of his own thoughts. He looked up to see what appeared to be an impeccably dressed and elderly Zalak man with a cane standing slightly to his side. When he gave the old man a confused look, the other person pointed to their ears.

“I don’t usually involve myself in other people’s business unless necessary. But I’m blessed with great hearing and at least a little curiosity. So you’re Liang Xun, Lee’s magistrate friend from Shangshu, hm?”

He let out a tired sigh.

“How is it that everyone in this city knows my name despite me having never set foot in it?”

The old man laughed in response.

“Simply a drawback of being well-acquainted with one of Lungmen’s most connected residents. Oh but make no mistake. Your friend’s not the type to run down the street shouting your name. I do have a valid reason for having heard of you.”

“And what would that reason be?”

“Your detective friend helped me with a case awhile back. Some less than decent individuals were smuggling dangerous contraband into the city, and I enlisted Lee’s help with getting them kicked out.”

“I see…”

Liang Xun wasn’t exactly sure what this situation had to do with him. And it also made him wonder just who he was talking to. The average citizen wouldn’t be dealing with criminal activity like this. And come to think of it, he still didn’t know this person’s name. The old man could see that Liang Xun was beginning to have more questions than answers and raised his hand as if to say “let me finish” before he continued speaking.

“Long story short, those smugglers were a real thorn in our side. They didn’t care much for the consequences of their little business, but they were nothing if not thorough with covering their tracks. Even after weeks of observing them, Lee and I still had difficulty gathering enough evidence to make it the LGD’s problem.”

The Zalak shifted his weight on his cane a bit and pointed at Liang Xun with a bony finger.

“That’s where you come in. As it turns out, Lee had a suspicion that some of the contraband was being stored and smuggled in from Shangshu. At that point, he had already figured out an easy answer. We still had no evidence, sure. But if the magistrate of Shangshu were to issue an executive order to have a random warehouse searched, surely it wouldn’t turn too many heads. Something like that. Yet despite realizing that it was the quickest way to resolve things, he insisted on not getting you involved. Instead, he pleaded for me to make sure there weren’t any more casualties while he continued investigating. It took him a whole month’s worth of stakeouts to get some proper dirt on that group. Tsk, what a stubborn man. I’ve never seen him so insistent on making sure a politician didn’t get their hands dirty. Doubt he feels the same about Wei. Hah.”

By now, Liang Xun had a rough idea of the status of the person he was speaking to. The mention of Wei Yenwu alone told him that Lee has been involved in some fairly high-profile cases. But why was he so reluctant to turn to him for help? Even if Liang Xun couldn’t falsify a search warrant, surely he could’ve done something to make the carp’s work easier. Instead, that man chose to waste a whole month accomplishing his goal in such a difficult way. Did he not want to ask for his help that badly? Why?

Jaye finally finished serving the customers at his stall. He quickly put away his tools and placed a sign on his cart, indicating that he would return shortly. It only took him a moment to look around and find the person he was looking for. He walked towards the two men and greeted them politely.

“Mr. Liang, I hope you didn’t wait for too long. Ah, Master Lin is here too.”

Both people turned to Jaye and nodded in acknowledgement. The man referred to as Master Lin spoke.

“Don’t mind me. I’m simply making conversation with a new face in town.”

“Mr. Liang says he’s searching for Mr. Lee. Would you happen to know where to find him, Master Lin?”

Lin shook his head.

“You know how that man is. He comes and goes as he pleases. Ask one of his kids. They probably know.”

“That’s ok. That’s what I was planning to do actually. Mr. Liang, since I’m on a break right now I can take you to my friend. She works for Lee’s agency.”

“Thank you. I appreciate the help. Truly. I hope I’m not inconveniencing you too much.”

“Don’t mention it. She’s busy with something nearby right now, so it’s no trouble. I’ll probably have to return to my stall after I introduce you to her. Oh, speaking of the stall…”

Jaye looked back at his belongings and then at Lin. He clearly wanted to ask him something but was hesitating to get the words out. Lin waved his hand at the young man and assured him.

“If anyone gets grabby with your things, I’ll beat them with my cane.”

Jaye and Liang Xun laughed at his unexpected joke before saying farewell and disappearing into the nearby street.

Truth be told, Liang Xun already had a guess as to who Jaye was taking him to. He didn’t know all the details in regards to how Lee ran his agency but he was familiar with at least one of its members. During his recent visit to Shangshu, Lee mentioned that he’d taken on the responsibility of caring for a certain “kung fu lunatic’s” daughter. Lee’s words, not his. So it was very likely that the woman Jaye was taking him to meet was…

Well, at least Liang Xun had already done what he could to give Lee information about her father’s whereabouts. The last time he had seen her was probably when she was still a child cradled in her father’s arms. Given his experiences so far, he began to wonder if she has heard things about him from Lee as well. If so, all he could do was hope that her impression of him was good.

[siswritesyanderes]

Wow we just love to put Sadie through it don’t we? Which Doctor would you pair her with? Or a Torchwood person, if you think they’d fit her better.

Oh boy, it would be so interesting for all of them. And obviously, we're assuming this happens slightly later in her life; she's a teenager in Rule One because it's Twilight, but for a Doctor Who story she'd be in her twenties. Also, jury's out on whether it's platonic or romantic yanderes.

(For clarity, we're still working with the premise, as expressed in earlier posts, that all versions of the Doctor eventually get to kidnapping, so in most of these scenarios, she's already at full-time companion status. For Twelve, though, let's say it takes a bit longer for her to get there. If it doesn't squick you out, we could say she meets him the same way Bill does; at a college in which he's teaching. Either way, she'd have more Earth-bound interactions with Twelve than anyone else.)

Nine would probably be the most coherent and straightforward, for her. (Well, it's a tie between him and Thirteen.) He'd be frank about everything he's thinking and feeling, with regards to her, and he would be easy to talk to about it. Kinder and more reasonable than his edgy attire might suggest. Even when he doesn't bend on the whole kidnapping thing, he'd be easy to have a discussion with. Sadie tries probing about why he feels that he needs to keep her close, but he's resistant to telling her anything about his past. Admittedly, it makes her very curious. He's an alien, physiologically and mentally and emotionally distinct from humanity, and he's secretive, and he won't let her leave. The mystery of it all is very engaging. Obviously, she'd still rather not be kidnapped, but since that hadn't been made an option, she would like to learn everything.

Ten would be so complicated, because Sadie knows that the dynamic between them isn't healthy, but she also really doesn't like hurting people's feelings. She would try to help him talk through his problems and his trauma and his crimes, and that would only make him more obsessed and dependent. After all, who would help him to pick through all these painful memories, without her? It's like the pain of each old shame, each loss, is dulled just by discussing them with her; like she's left fingerprints of salve through his mind, and if anything were to happen to her, all of the salve would disappear at once. That's all in addition to the love he already felt for her. Sadie can see this increasing neediness developing, but he would just break down again if she stopped now (He wants to tell her everything, soothe more memories, wrap her more thoroughly around his emotional wellbeing.), and anyway, hopefully if they keep digging, they'll come out on the other side of this. Right?

Eleven would be hilarious just because Sadie would keep trying to manage a coherent, meaningful conversation about the parameters of the relationship, and he just keeps jumping from topic to topic and talking around her protestations and not addressing things as deeply as she wants to. His restlessness and Sadie's tendency to dwell and think things through would take some reconciling. She would try to adapt to his personality; she learns that asking him one question or making one request doesn't work as well as giving him a list. If she only says one thing, even if she repeats it, it can get lost in the deluge of his constant activity, but if she says, "Doctor. Four things. One: I need to eat. Two: Can I at least stop by my house to pick up some of my own clothes? Three: If so, can I bring my dog?...(etc.)", he'll likely remember and address each point. For the record, he would let her bring Brillig onto the TARDIS. He would start calling him "our dog". And he can speak dog, so he really treats Brillig more like their shared son. If Sadie wants to seriously discuss something, Eleven will whistle and tell Brillig something like, "Off you go; your mother wants to chat with me alone." And Brillig would go because, again, the Doctor speaks dog. Brillig is a good outlet for his energy, which makes it easier for Sadie to actually talk with him without him bouncing off the walls.

Twelve would be interesting because, like I've said in previous posts, he'd have a bit of tsundere energy, and Sadie would take that largely at face value at first, so he'd be acting all surly and she's just like, "Well, if you don't like me, then we don't have to interact, right?" Eventually, this train of thought would lead to her surmising that Twelve is more invested in her than he initially shows (since he keeps actively seeking her out), but she'd still be pretty blindsided by how much so. When it gets to the point that he does kidnap her, she would be scared stiff; she misread his feelings for her so many times, she has no idea what to expect anymore, so she just goes silent. He would initially try to reassure her that she's safe in a prickly, dismissive way, but when that doesn't help, he softens up and speaks honestly with her about his feelings. It still takes a while for her to relax. Twelve becomes really sweet, in his treatment of her, to make up for having confused and frightened her.

Thirteen would be frank and communicative, like Nine. More forgetful, though; she often has to say things like "Have I already said that?" or "Have I told you that yet? I meant to..." But she's trying to be communicative, and Sadie learns to periodically ask, "Now, Doctor, is there anything you think you should tell me but aren't sure you have?" Like I've said before, Thirteen is more of a slow burn, boil the frog yandere than most of the others, so as far as Sadie is concerned, she's just a companion at first. Enjoying the universe, and all of the alien cultures she gets to see. There's time for Sadie to develop camaraderie and fondness for Thirteen, before Thirteen's possessiveness becomes obvious, so Sadie talks her through it as a friend more than as a matter of survival or anything else. Thirteen is her quirky alien friend who sometimes has a bit of a dark side; it's fine. When Thirteen suddenly suggests that they're dating, Sadie goes with the flow. But eventually, she's going to ask to go home, and Thirteen will keep finding reasons not to, and they'll have their first argument. It isn't their last; Sadie and her time lord BFF go back and forth about this all the time.

I never watched Torchwood, but I do know Captain Jack from Doctor Who, and it blows my mind that I hadn't thought about him as a yandere before now. Hot, flirtatious, can't die, apparently armed with a gun even when he's naked. Thinking of him flirting with Sadie is delightful. I think he'd be closer to a jovial stalker than a kidnapper.

Aah, thank you for this question!