#and now im worried i tried to do too much
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starring: eddie brock x male reader x venom
request: hi!! can i request a eddie brock/venom x male reader smut where eddie finally introduces reader to venom and venom canāt help but let all his dirty thoughts about what he wants to do to reader out. iām talking bondage, breeding, ass eating (ikyk his tongue goes crazy)
warnings: smut, monster fucking, freaky!venom, HUGE DICK VENOM, unprotected sex, creampie, ass eating, cum eating, ball and dick cleaning i guess
as much as eddie did NOT want to introduce you and venom, the pestering was getting a little to much from the both of you so he decided finally it was time, calling you over to his apartment and slowly letting venom come out from his shoulder, a floating head connected to a tendril coming out of your boyfriends back was weird but you've seen weirder.
"y/n meet venom and venom meet y/n" eddie says "pleased to eat you y/n" venom says without mush of a filet, your ass was nice looking and he wanted that "pleased to eat you to venom" you shake one of his tendrils and immediately wipe the sort of slime on your pants.
"i like him, he has a sort of humor" venom says out loud "venom" eddie tries to stop him from starting to embarrass him "don't worry i think you're kinda cool to venom" you say with a laugh "your lips look really nice can i cum on them" he blurts out unexpectedly "well that's enough talking from you v" eddie tries to get venom back inside his body but he takes over instead.
"well i mean if you want to but im not against it" you smile to show off your lips more the symbiote "when eddie told me about you i thought i wasn't going to like you but now that you're here i want to do so many things" he says and eddie already knows what this is going to turn to so he tries to stop him but venom is just to strong, staying in control for just a little longer.
"oh pray tell more" you scoot closer to him "well i want to eat your delicious looking ass, i want to fuck you till you cant think, i want to cum all over your pretty face, and i want to make you my boyfriend" he says all in one breath with a complete smile through it all "well we could do some of those things today" you say getting on his lap.
who would've thought you'd be so open to getting fucked by an alien but hey who am i to judge (you people would let a fox fuck you aka nick wilde but hey i would too) you're quick to start making out with him, his long tongue exploring your mouth and making it's way down your throat, he was surprised to see you had no gag reflex which had his mind running.
eddie watched from inside as you lubed up venom fat cock with your saliva and slide all nineteen inches into you "haha i told you the human could fit me eddie" venom cheers as you bounce up and down on his long shaft, an obvious belly bulge poking out from your stomach and sort of in your chest, but venom still knew you were a puny human so he took it slow with you.
letting you rock your hips back and forth of his cock until he could feel himself cumming, and listening to your moan about how you love venoms' big dick so much had him aching to fill your pretty ass up but the things is, is this safe like symbiotes can cum a lot and like i mean A LOT so like will this hurt you?
meh i guess there's only one way to find out, unloading his pent up cum into your stretched ass that was unable to hold his cum in you for to long before it was spilling out, you looked a little out of it but you were a live so that counts for something "now how about we try that other thing" you ask with a weak grin on your face.
venom flipping you over and shoving his long tongue down your hole to lick the excess cum out while you cleaned` him up down below, lick the cum from his fat balls and making sure his cock was all nice and shiny, eddie just had to watch as you slutted yourself out to the alien but he's not gonna lie he was kinda turned on by it all.
"can we keep him eddie" venom asks still face deep in your ass "id love to stay plus i cant really walk so" you chuckle and for some reason just hearing you laugh made venoms cock throb, he doesn't know why but maybe it's a sign to go again
taglist:@mailmango @spermeboy @ghostking4m @gayaristocrat @addictedtomalepits @staarb0y @crispysoup318 @its-ares @gargoylesworld09 @znerac
#venom#venom x reader#venom x male reader#x male reader#x male y/n#gay smut#x male smut#gay#x male#male reader#bottom male reader#venom symbiote#venom x you#eddie brock#veddie#eddie brock x reader#eddie brock imagine#eddie brock x you#eddie brock x venom
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ALRIGHT LADS MERRY CHRISTMAS ITHACA SAGAāS OUT HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS
(Spoilers under cut of course)
1. The Challenge
PENELOPEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! RAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
NOT HER SEEING THE STORM ODY RELEASED AAAAAAAAAAAAA
IāLL BE HERE BUYING YOU TIMEā¼ļøš„šŖ
OUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANNA ATE THE VOCALS SHE SOUNDS GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!
I KNEW IT!!!!! I KNEW SHEāD BE SINGING āWAITINGGGGGā I KNEW IT IN MY HEART AND SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Hold Them Down
WHERE IS HE INDEED!!!!!!!!
Oughhhhhhhh ayronās voice is making me FEEL things rn he makes it so hard to hate antinous š (this sentiment will not be held for long)
āHold him down ātil the boy stops shakingā āonly the ocean and I will knowā okay idk if Iām insane or ovulating or something but like antinous is kind of a freak for telemachus like heās a little too sensual about killing him idkkkkkkk
Okay okay now it is SUPER easy to hate antinous FUCK when heās describing what heāll do to penelope I got chills bro thank god heās dead š
Again I HAVE to reiterate how AMAZING ayronās vocals are in this song HE GIVES SUCH A GREAT PERFORMANCE!!!!!!!
3. Odysseus
Ohohohohooooo daddyās home
The electric guitar thatās how you know youāre fucked
āI come back and find my palace desecrated, sacked like Troyā THE GASP I LET OUT AT THE NAME DROP!!!!! SICKENING!!!!!!
When he called telemachus āmy boyā what if I started crying
āI. Have had. Enough.ā CHILLS!!! CHILLS MOTHERFUCKER CHILLS!!!!!! ASKFJKSJFSKHFKSHDKFH WE HAVE WAITED SO LONG FOR THIS!!!!!!!!
THE ENSEMBLE SINGING āODYSSEUSā IN POLYPHEMUSā TUNE!!!!! HEāS THE BOSS NOW BITCHES!!!!!!!
āHeās aiming for the torches!ā JUST LIKE SCYLLA!!!!! ODY IS PULLING A SCYLLA!!!!!!!!!
āYou donāt think I know my own palace? I built it.ā STILL ONE OF THE HARDEST FUCKING LINES IN THE MUSICAL BRO THAT SHIT MAKES ME INSANE!!!!!! INSANEEEEE!!!!!!!!
OPEN ARMS MENTION!!!!!!! We are NOT greeting the world with opens arms lads itās fucking over. I love the way odysseus says ānoā without ANY hesitation, heās so tired of this song and dance HEāS HAD IT!!!!
TELEMACHUS!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYYAY!!!!!!!
I wasnāt expecting him to relish in the bloodshed like he does in the odyssey because thatās just not how he is in the musical but itās nice that he at least tried to stop them! You go little wolf!
āWhere is he?ā Being used to refer to both odysseus and telemachus is killing me slowly
āMy mercy has long since drowned. It died to bring me home.ā AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
FUCK DUDE!!!!! THAT WHOLE SECTION IS A FUCKING BANGER JAYāS DELIVERY IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE I CAN FEEL THE RAGE IN MY BONES MAN THIS SHIT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!
The use of ādrownedā is SO CLEARLY a reference to poseidon Iām going to throw up
The screaming. All I hear are screamsā¦
Fuck dudeā¦ justā¦ fuuuuckkkkkk
4. I Canāt Help But Wonder
Iāve daydreamed so much about the father-son reunion Iām gonna cry
Ough poor telemachus finally meets his father and he can only worry about if heās worthy enough to live up to odyās legacy. And THE FIRST thing ody does is tell him how strong he is FUCK ME DUDE ššš
āUsed to say Iād make the storm clouds cry for youā obvious reference to his whole shebang with poseidon
āUsed to say Iād capture the wind and sky for youā WINDBAG MENTION!!!!!!!!
āHeld you in my arms prepared to die for youā something something I see you draw your final breath, something something get in the water, something somethingā¦
āMy son, Iām finally home!ā THE WAY YOU CAN TELL THEYāRE HUGGING HERE BECAUSE OF THE SWELL OF MUSIC ARE YOU KIDDING ME ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW????? OUGHOGOUOGOGOHOHGHHHHHH
THEYāRE HARMONIZING IM GOING TO SOB IM GOING TO COMMIT CRIMES!!!!!!!!!
ATHENA!!!!!!!!!
My god odysseus learning ruthlessness and athena learning empathy and then uniting and realizing that, while empathy should always come first, unfortunately the world we live in sometimes we have to use ruthlessness in order to survive. And the best we can do is foster future generations that hopefully will not have to go through the same terrible things we have. Oughā¦
āThereās this girl I have to seeā Iām like 80% this is referencing that cut song where ody asks athena to help him court penelopeā¦ I hope Iām right because Iāll cry if I am
5. Would You Fall In Love With Me Again
Iām tweaking our rn btw in case you were wondering
The instrumentals are so beautiful I literally CANNOT
The door opening sound effect is so simple but so effective alisjfkshfkshdidjjd
Once again I need to express how much I truly believe the odyssey is a metaphor for ptsd and how it changes a person and the relationships they have
ODYSSEUS SINGING āWAITINGā YOU HAVE TO STOP I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH š
Fuck the chorus is so beautiful I donāt even know what to say about it Iām so overwhelmed with emotions. Ough. Justā¦ odysseus on his knees begging to be loved the way he was, and penelope knowing her answer only if she can really trust the man in front of her. Fuckā¦ what the hellā¦
The olive bedā¦ THE OLIVE BED!!!!!!!!!!
Once again I need to emphasize how ETHEREAL annaās voice is!!!!!!!
THE JUST A MAN INSTRUMENTALS JORGE YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME!!!! ITS NOT ALLOWED!!!! YOU CANT FUCKING DO THAT!!!!!!
Theyāre harmonizingā¦ theyāre singing āI love youā and theyāre harmonizingā¦ I. I need a momentā¦ I just.. give me a secondā¦ please can I have some time to myself? I just really need toā¦ die, I thinkā¦
The final words of epic being āI love youā I am literally going to end my own life ITS SO BEAUTIFUL
This song makes me want to rip out my still-beating heart and eat it bloody and raw. In like a good way!!!
shoutout to the only straight couple ever. I love you odypenā¦
And thus, our journessey comes to an end. Itās over but itās not over and I think thatās the only comfort I have right now
Now do youāll excuse me Iām going to go lay face down in a creek forever
#what. the. fuck.#LADS ARE YOU SEEING THIS?????#THEY JUSTā¦ DID THAT?????#STRAIGHT UP????#I literally canāt believe this musical exists were truly blessed to experience something like this I am being so serious#this shit is so crazy man#in like a good way#I donāt even know what Iām saying anymore my brain is mush#fuck#Iām going to collapse into a pile of dust#epic the musical#epic the ithaca saga#epic the musical spoilers#epic the ithaca saga spoilers
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Chapters: 15/22 Fandom: The 1975 (Band) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: George Daniel/Matthew Healy Characters: George Daniel, Matthew Healy, Ross Macdonald, Adam Hann, Carly Holt, Jamie Oborne, Charli XCX (Musician) Additional Tags: Equestrian, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Past Drug Addiction Summary:
āWhy the hell is Matthew Healy riding Carly Hannās horse?!ā George exclaimed, flinging open the door to storm into Jamieās office, taking care to make sure the door was shut again behind him. He was surprised Jamie was even out so early, sitting in front of the computer with his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose. āHeās bad fucking news, Matthew Healy?!ā George said, shaking his head as he ran his fingers through his close cropped, bleached hair.
#allylikethecat#all the king's horses#equestrian au#happy friday#happy friday!#matty fic#gatty#fanfic#fanfiction#keep it kind#sorry i'm posting this so late in the day#i had to have a meltdown about pop's issues and beg my retired vet to come out of retirement and talk me off the ledge#pop is fine btw#or at least he will be#but ive been a mess about it lol#anyway! let me know what you think!#im not sure about this chapter#i combined two from the outline into one#and now im worried i tried to do too much#but we shall see!#let me know what you think!
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i miss herā¦
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soonā¢ļø#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up āere and since itās still äøęā¦ todayās tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? thereās no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only āare ghosts real?ā#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean iāve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my familyās finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasnāt respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) heād get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost whoād just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#heād occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didnāt happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the å§åØ (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc itād be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. āhow did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways itās been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it butā#and so thatās the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this äøę thoughā¦#b u t !!!!! tomorrowās date on the lunar calendar says itās an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! soā¦ maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream monaās new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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Pre NC nights, with his Bakker scouting group.
#cyberpunk 2077#cyberpunk photomode#cyberpunk2077#cyberpunk vp#masc v#I waited SO LONG for night and then a sandstorm hit and i just couldn't be assed anymore#his hair is getting changed back - i don't dislike the lighter blonde i just liked the other more#tried to keep the other guy a bit anonymous because i just used e3v cause im lazy and don't know how to do any customizing of npcs yet#so much time spent carefully putting a mattress in the back of the truck and you can't even see it#this took so long to do i started absolutely hours ago but im always so worried about lookign like im copying i was worried#about posting it tonight#but i spent so long i need to post these now or i'll picck it apart and get mad about them xD#my vp#vibes of ivan#too punk to fuck (cyberpunk)
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Okay this one might be a bit of a weird thing to discuss (and will be much less relevant if thereās a time skip on Remnant) but I wanted to talk about Ruby and Oscarās height difference and how much it means to me in light of this recent episode.
Iād like to start this off by saying that Iām actually (conveniently) Rubyās height. One source is saying 5ā4ā and ones saying 5ā2ā and Iām about 5ā3ā, and something Iāve been noticing a lot recently as I accept that Iām done growing and this is my permanent height is that thereās always going to be something that intimidates me about the majority of the population. As much as I want to think that Iām a confident, capable person, it really takes away from your confidence when you have to look way up at someone to have a conversation with them. On top of that, Iāve noticed that 1. People tend to get really close to me when having conversations, much closer than Iād like, possibly because theyāre trying to make up for the fact that thereās about a foot between us that wouldnāt be there normally, and 2. This is a problem, because a) itās intimidating to have someone larger than me get in my personal space, and b) it just makes me so much more aware of how much taller they are because I have to really lift my head to look at them, only to see them looking down on me.
My point in saying all this? The last few volumes have been really leaning into that with Ruby. This happened a lot in V 7, where Ironwood would be framed as looking down at her, and it really jumped out at me in this last episode with that one shot after Jaune yells at her and sheās left staring up at him with tears in her eyes as he gets up in her personal space.
This scene to me really highlighted how small Ruby is compared to most of the people around her who are supposed to be equals to her-Jaune, Ironwood, Qrow, Robyn, Clover, any of the ace ops-but not Oscar. Oscar is one of the few characters in the show that Ruby is taller than. And speaking from personal experience? Itās so much more comfortable interacting with people who donāt use their size to physically intimidate you (even if thatās not at all their intention).
I know realistically, Oscar is probably going to get taller than her (and when that happens I will find it cute) but right now itās just so incredibly important to me and really serves to (once again) emphasize how good Oscar is for Ruby and how much his very existence supports her and takes stresses away. In a world where ticking time bombs like Ironwood, Jaune, and the ace ops can turn on her and use their size as a weapon, Oscar canāt (and wouldnāt) do that. Oscar has Rubyās back, and she trusts him in a way that I donāt think she trusts anyone else in the show.
#rwby#rwby spoilers#its weird how the volume with literally no canon Rosegarden stuff is doing so much to back it up#at least for me#rosegarden#ruby rose#oscar pine#to clarify I tried to word the post in a way that got this across but Iāll say it down here too#im not talking about *everyone* when I say Ruby is small compared to people#obviously we have weiss and nora and even blakes not that much taller#im specifically referring to the people who are supposed to be on the same level as her power wise but in that one small way are higher up#hehe puns#and not to worry my fellow Rosegarden shippers Iām not advocating against the Ruby realizes that Oscar is taller than her scene we all want#im just saying I like the way it is right now#mine
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idk who needs to hear this but period underwear is a godsend and if you can access and afford it, you should get some. it's way more comfortable and less nasty to deal with than disposable products
#ive been wearing thinx for about a year now#and this one brand i got a five-pack off amazon from called neione(?) for lighter days that can pair w other products if needed#it depends on ur flow and what u get. right? it's annoying to look around and see how many brands on amazon#are like. not actually meant to be worn by themselves to bleed freely in#i don't currently own enough pairs that i never use disposable products at all anymore#but i usually only do like. one day out of my cycle on average#and that day im always like 'ew gross'#it's much more comfortable not to have to worry about it not to mention better for the environment#if u live in the us then they sell thinx at target and ive seen them at cvs too#if u dont wanna buy online#anyway im just sayin!#if uve been thinking about taking the dive and buying period underwear this is your sign#tales from diana#menstruation cw#the only annoying thing is that a lot of brands also cant go into the dryer (including thinx) (that was one of the reasons i got neione)#anyway it's great. i would never switch back to only using disposable products#and im far too much of a wuss to try cups. like far far too much#i just ordered a heavy-flow two-pack from a brand i havent tried before (tiichoo) and theyre boyshorts#bc one of the most annoying things about the heavy-flow thinx isnt that it doesnt absorb enough#but if u sleep in them. depending on your position and gravity. they can still leak (in the bikini cut)#hoping that a boyshort cut will solve that problem#<3
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Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)
#text post#Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh#it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao#but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon#not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so#doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer#(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here#and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like#dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already#and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else#like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo#and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him#i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like#yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut#since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together#but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her#more than i am now#i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday#to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money#aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now#he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass#and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here#but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens#and even if he listens he probably won't believe me#sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao
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writing poetry sometimes feels like you gotta cut yourself open to express it idk smear all your organs all over the page and hope somebody else reads something beautiful. is that like divination the way it's expressed in various places and things? I dunno. poetry never slides off your skin like water off a duck's back. it's from within I think. sometimes you have to tear yourself apart to get at the words and sometimes it just wells up from within and gushes out. always from somewhere deep inside. sometimes it's difficult and horrible and painful but the alternative would be worse. sometimes it's from sheer joy that must overflow into words. I think that's beautiful personally. skin splitting from joy. it happens, I think, to us all at some point. or maybe I'm just a creature of extremes. maybe that online test I did because a friend recommended it is true. it said my symptoms were high. I don't know. maybe it is true, maybe it's not. I read a book once where there was a character named Nathan Hill-and-Dale, and while I'm not nearly as extreme as he was portrayed, in my extremes, I know I'm a fairly volatile person. funny, for most people who see me IRL seem to think that I'm fairly calm. nope, I'm a volcano. watch out, even when I'm apparently calm I might blow up one way or the other. one of my residents' family members said today that I was young and bubbly and she was glad to see it because happiness is the prerogative of the young. a part of me wished I told her. I have actively tried to kill myself once; I have come extremely close to the same actions countless times including yesterday; I would sooner hurt myself than others; if I had my own choice I would simply starve. of course I didn't tell her. sometimes I think I'll never get better. at this point I would consider it a very high chance that I will either die by suicide or end up in hospital following an attempt. not now, of course. but despite my fierce love for my course it has stress associated with it and I think that it's very likely that no psych help on earth would fix my mental health enough for that not to be an option mentally in this short time. I think it's possible to recover from all of the things I struggle with. God help me, I hope it is. the real question is whether I will survive long enough to recover from them. and the answer? I know not. I was reminded of a past interaction with the boy today, where he called my name - I turned - his grandfather, a photographer, was waiting to see if he could get a decent photo, for we were at a church conference and he was trying to get photos everywhere. they were laughing. I could not help but laugh. that memory is tainted now, for he would not look at me now, let alone try to pull such a stunt again. I don't blame him. I don't blame anyone for it. I wonder what would happen if I blocked all my friends on discord; who would seek me out? part of me hopes people would, another part hopes they would not. sometimes I just want to be left alone to curl up and die. it would be easier. so much easier than living, and living, and living. I tried writing poetry just now. it felt like trying to cut myself open, I couldn't get the words out. it only made me feel rather wild. I'm desperate for change, for something. something. what is that something? I don't know. did you know I'm a sadist? I would not in a public place express the thoughts that led me to that conclusion. but I am. I wish I wasn't. there's an obvious solution to that. quick, and easy. so easy. too easy. I tried writing poetry, and then instead of writing anything coherent, I wrote this.
#tw suicide#tw suicidal ideation#tw sh#personal#puddleglum hours#tried writing poetry and the very act of trying made me desperately want to harm. i think i'll break my streak today. all the things have#been so bad today. not so much the individual things as they all stack up together. almost the worst most constant dysphoria ive ever#experienced. coincided with eating new stuff which was scary. weighed myself yesterday on dad's recommendation and found out i *believed*#id gained like more than double what i *did*. feel so disgustingly fat and heavy tho why can't i just stop eating. why is everyone#prolonging my existence. serious question. this includes myself. whats the good. im tired but not. and oh so disgusted with myself.#weak. stupid. failing. only a fool talks like this. oh but don't worry im safe. safe enough anyhow. oh look nothing's real that explains#something. but i am safe. aint me as gonna commit suicide today. don't worry about me. im ignorin my friend who's worried about me bc she#has her own struggles. im not gonna ad to them at this point. selfish enough i am already. ive been choking on disgust all day even through#my jubilation over reaching a fourteen day streak. funny i literally don't care now. gonna break it. unless i'm too coward to do otherwise.#i ought. i ought to do other things too. i don't know how long i can keep on going like this. pray for me.
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i just had cute small talk w a white gay barista but im afraid i came off as arrogant
#they looked lesbian asf idk#they asked how my day was so far and i decided to say something other than fine thanks for once#so i was like āi just had a morning class and now I'm pretty tired hahaā#and they were like oh? what class? so i responded 'spanish :]'#basically they asked if i was any good and i was like umm. uh well i have to take a certification exam to prove fluency in the next year#so i hope so! :P#and they were super stoked and then they asked about other languages i speak so i talked abt that briefly#basically they kept seeming interested and praising me and i felt really awkward so i was like omg u draw or paint right#and they were like ??? howd u know#and i was like haha i got a vibe ^_^#and they were like... :D that's a good thing right? and i said well yeah ofc that's so cool! and then they told me theyre an art his major#and i was like woaah sick#but basically it was sweet and i felt like i was getting way too many compliments at 10:15 am like way too early for this#im just so worried i came off as self centred or like overly self assured about my intellect#but also why do i gaf. why. some white ass barista who i see every so often is not going to give me a job or be the love of my life#also THEY ASKED!!! i just answered. i also tried my best to ask abt them as much as possible...#agh i hate talking next time ill jsut politely smile and say good thanks āŗļøšš»#like i always do..#z.post
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i hope the new superman is soooo good that it reintroduces superman back to the world on a big-ish scale and gives everyone a good story and gives back some good classic characters to truly love and that the music is great and that it reminds everyone (everyone) what superman is really about
#truth justice and the american w- [gets shot with a kryptonite bullet] no iām jk#but i just remembered that itās called superman LEGACY bc itās gonna focus on both of his parentsā¦. IM SO EXCITED#immigrant superman on the big screen for real mr gunn donāt fucking blow this for us#give us a kind wonderful complex superman#and please let this movie kick any dudebro who tries to claim superman as a paragon of (toxic) masculinity directly in the nuts#AND ANY DUDEBRO OR PERSON AT ALL WHO THINKS SUPERMAN HAS TO LOOK GRITTY OR DARK OR QUE LOS CHONES NO SON REALĆSTICOS O WHATEVER THE FUCK#GIVE HIM HIS RED CHONES GIVE HIM HIS SILLY LITTLE MY MOM MADE IT FOR ME SUIT#LET HIM BE RIDICULOUS LET HIM BE SILLY#HEāS A SUPERHERO FOR CHRISTS SAKE HEāS THEEEEE SUPERHERO#SUPERHEROS ARE INHERENTLY SILLY!!!!!!#let the whimsy into your soul you will be happier for it!!!!!!!!!!!#bluebird.txt#anyways i am absolutely asking for like way too much from this movie#and i donāt expect much from it as of right now#but itās far away enough that i can hope and be excited without worrying too much if itās gonna do my boy justice#so#yeah#new clark kent and lois lane dropped :]]]]]]#also can we get a jimmy olsen can we PLEASE GET A JIMMY OLSEN#now the question is whoās gonna play jimmy (PKEASE LET THERE BE A JIMMY WE HAVE BEEN DEPRIVED OF LIVE ACTION JIMMY FOR TOO LONG!!!)#and whoās gonna play perry white and THE KENTS WHOāS GONNA PLAY THE KENTS!!!!!!!#superman#david corenswet all my hopes and dreams are riding on you no pressure though /hj
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does anyone have advice for getting into stardew valley because i have tried. multiple times. to get into this game and actually play it because i DO like it!!! i have gotten sucked in a few times, but i never make it too far :( i feel like i just get overwhelmed by everything that you could do and seeing other people be so far ahead in their own saves that i just. idk. feel discouraged? i know the answer to this is probably to just play the game and do whatever because if its my first save it doesn't really matter what happens but still
also i think another part of it is just not knowing everything i should do right off the bat like i would with any other game i enjoy playing like fantasy life but i guess thats a given since i haven't played much of it
most rational thought: "i don't know everything about this game and what to do how am i supposed to play this good... :( at least in fantasy life i know what to do :((" (i have had fantasy life for like 8 years so of course i know what to do)
#man its always the 'other people have done this before me' and whatever thoughts that paralyze me from trying new things#i know the only way to really like. solve my problem is to just go and play the game at my own pace and not worry but man is it hard to get#over that paralysis#like. there's just so much to do. people have done so much in this game but im new to it AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i think i've tried playing this game like 3 separate times so far and never get too far#like first i got it on my ipod probably in like. 2018 (didn't get very far)#then i bought it on my switch about a year or two ago? (also didnt get very far)#now im trying it again and. man#i really want to like this game but my brain has to do the most normal (/s) thing ever and be like#'but i don't know everything about this game like i do with (insert game i've had for a long time) therefore i can't play it'#gonna need my brain to .. shut up!!!!!!#yeah idk i guess i'll just try playing again at my own pace and see what happens from there#because maybe the issue is that im just not a stardew valley enjoyer and leave it at that#though idk. i enjoy seeing other people playing the game its just when it comes to making my own save that i falter a bit
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today and yesterday have been a bit better than any days have been in a long time (since this current depressive episode started). i still frequently have suicidal thoughts, but they are less constant than they have been. iāve been able to get some schoolwork done, which is a huge improvement. i know this is all good, but i feel kind of weird about it. i want to feel better because feeling really shitty sucks. however, i think because i really want to kill myself, i donāt want to get better. i really just want to die, so i donāt want to be able to take care of myself and do things.
#idk#although i am still worried about this exam i have tomorrow because the last time i took an exam i answered one question#and could not stop thinking about killing myself/imagining it#i think not having the pressure of needing to do all my assignments before the semester ends really took a lot of stress off my shoulders#for awhile one of the reasons i was having trouble doing any schoolwork was because#whenever i tried to think my mind would wander to suicidal thoughts. also because i just didn't have the energy#just in a weird spot because i know that normally i would be able to do these assignments in time but im not my normal self#i also feel so silly for caring about my grades and classes when i really want to kill myself. like that shouldn't matter to me.#the thing is that i know i can't kill myself and if im alive i have to pass my classes because my parents are paying so much for my educatio#i've been eating a little more too. but again it's that whole i don't want to give my body what it needs to survive#idk. my main goal was just to get through the semester but now im thinking about how i go forward after that#tw: suicide mention
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I often times find myself wondering when interacting with people "am I doing this right?'"
It used to be even more often, I probably was really anxious about it back then. Now... not so much? I still find myself worrying a bit. And especially trying to find the correct "answer" or action to say or do. But. It's not really by any fault of my own. It's just what's expected of me in social situations doesn't always come naturally. So I'm awkward. But idk. While I'll always probably try to find the right answer for things, I'm a bit less worried than I used to be. And I suppose that's something good in a way.
#normal#oh. i dont have to be like this. i can do something different#who the fuck am i really.#diary#personal#i honeslty didnt even think this would turn out to be positive. like. i thought its be a bit more down.#but idk. despite knowing im probably doing a lot of things wrong. im still a bit happier this way.#its been a long while since ive just done things that are more true to myself and now worried about the consequences. so its kinda nice#idk. obviously in places like work i mask much more. but at a coffee shop. or talking with friends. or even alone in my bedroom -#i do it much less. i used to be so self-conscious. i wouldn't even dance alone in my room. its strange to think thats -#just how much pressure society exibits. its impressive really. id try not to do things incase it wasnt#i think in a way the internet really saved me from a lot of that. yeah it probably exasperated some of my problems but it also helps too?#i can find communities and learn about things i love even if i dont participate.#i suppose its nice just knowing#and thats opened up a lot of avenues for me. like. knowing i dont need to be in a relationship. that i can collect stuffed toys.#that i can be obsessed with something stupid. just. a lot of small things like that? it sorta takes off that huge pressure to conform.#idk. i used to be so fixated on conforming and participating. and my mom quite litterally taught me to.#she always used to tell me about how when she had to move around she had to make consessions like that.#or how she didnt like it either just talking with the girls or whatever. so i sorta just thought of it all as normal.#so i just tried more and more and more to press myself into a mold without ever really caring what i liked. or thought#like. i knew what i wanted. but that wasnt right. so i id just. cut off bits n peices of myself.#i remember being oh so frustrated thinking and its so odd to think of now.#because now i just am. and even when im sad im happy. its peaceful really.#really though. being able to label things. and figure out stuff about myself and psychology and everything was amazing#im really glad ive both changed so much - yet really not at all at the same time#i still like the same things i did when i was 6. im still exactly the same at my core tbh.#but im much different from who i was in my teens. to me it really feels like just accepting who i always was.#and like. letting myself be who i was and am. i am me and thats sorta that?#idk. im just philosophizing myself yet again. but i also really enoys doing that XD
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im literally so tired but i dont know if i can sleep right now
#i didnt try but im so worried about my girl#shes pretty high right now and seems stable so shes probably fine#she like doesnt wanna move too much#not fussing about being in the xl dog cage. making it easy on me#not bothering her stitches (she has cone on but i will get coverall tomorrow)#(i tried MAKING one but idk if this will work and Hope isnt being a model for me)#(i dont wanna fuss with Olive especially when shes being docile so i think her high in the big donut cone will be fine until tomorrow)#but i DO worry that she'll in the middle of the night start kicking her stitches out#fuuuck ....#shes always very stitch-considerate but this is an unprescidented amount and length of stitches
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I love to talk but I rly do feel like we have to be talking for a minimum of 8 hours straight before I feel like I can even begin to rly broach things on my mind or that have been bothering me a lot that I actually want to talk abt without being vague or deflecting or omitting or lying and if the conversation takes a break at any point it resets back to 0 and its still nice regardless but.
#we're all just desperately chasing each other around for a semblance of connection in this cold bleak world#but unfortunately due to the relentless crushing pressures of capitalism we also have to work so no time for that#man. sorry just frustrated n miserable now. wish i was capable of feeling close to other ppl wish i could give other ppl that connection#but instead we're just ships in the night passing by or whatever#and i have to settle with not rly being known or wanted or important in other ppls lives and its forever. btw#bc even if ppl do think they know me or do want me around or i am important to them in some way.. the specific torture labyrinth i call#home is constructed in the most elegant and precise way that im incapable of believing them to be sincere anyway#so thats all on me! if I tried harder and made more of an effort to communicate with or trust ppl i wouldnt feel this way!#but i dont so better luck in the next life i guess! this is why i dont think abt this shit bc it makes me want to kms#whats even the point man#dont even worry abt me im fine just need to fucking vent bc i dont have time to allow myself to feel anything bc i have plans tmr#so i need to go to bed early. and ill just try my best to keep distracted forever so ill never need to face how pathetically desperate#i am for any kind of emotional intimacy whatsoever and also physical contact but im not normal enough to fulfil any of my own needs#yeah well. its my life that i have to live and im the one making it this way. digging my grave and lying in it innit#its fine tho bc they make repressed fictional characters that i can project onto instead of confronting any of my issues#so ill just be here in my labyrinth doing that. while everyone else gets to see sunlight and grass and whatever#im just so tired i dont want to do this i want to pretend i dont care and dont need it and maybe itll become true. its too much for me#let me know when they need me to pilot the jaeger and drift with someone and thru our mindmelding i can finally achieve intimacy and trust#well anyway. that was embarrassing. hope it works out for everyone else#hope my flatmate gets her ideal life w our other old flatmates and finds a convenient way of discarding me from that like they want#except im going to make it as difficult as possible for as long as i can for them to get rid of me bc im selfish and want what i want so.#my obligate parasite ass. or whatever. im going to throw up if i keep thinking so thats a good place to stop and go to sleep probably#.vent#dont interact im being stupid as fuck and dont care just leave me alone thanks
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