#and now i'm stressed about so many things

[guzhufuren]

Hey, I've noticed you've been pretty quiet lately and I hope you're doing okay. I know we're not friends or even mutuals so I'm sorry if I'm overstepping by messaging! I hope the world will treat you kindly and that you can find comfort and support if you need it 💕

hi sweetheart wow this is so genuinely nice and kind of you, thank you so much for caring to the point of reaching out

i'm on the way there! i will be okay, hopefully soon. it's not serious, i just had a medium sized break down after receiving a very negative comment on something i made, in mix with a bit of unrelated loneliness and yearning on top of that, plus many many 4am drowsy what-am-i-doing-with-my-life regretful thoughts that i have had in the last months swimming up. like for my unwellness history it's really only about 6 points on the scale where the maximum is 10, so not big. i turned all social apps off but couldn't shake off the distress caused by that one stranger on the internet being unkind to my project, despite knowing they were misunderstanding and were also not in a state to understand at all, so i was kind of confused about what's up with my brain and why it can't move on

and it was a good choice! because after being only with myself without any internet distractions for the first time in years, figured out in just a day that mood swings have been back for a while, over one month at least (so anger issues weren't totally Yunho's fault actually bless him), some other parts of mental health worsened too

got a grip on myself, went to my doctor, got back on meds, now i'm sleepy every minute of waking hours while my body is getting used to them again, but it's gonna be fine. received advice on how to write a mood log, turns out very helpful as additional treatment to keep hypomania and anxiety under control. i even started working out, doing memory exercises and preparing my exam notes tentatively, which is so hard and scary, oh my god, but i must. job search is even scarier but i'm working myself up to finding a good one with little, very very very very tiny steps but they are moving

in the first day of self made quarantine i rewatched the queer korean show Love for Love's Sake that cured me from depression for a while and from any possibility of suicidality for a lifetime last year. it didn't work the trick again, because i'm really not living in the best or even just calm psychological environment to let it do its magical healing thing the way it should, but it did give me new clarity and make me intensely cry some shit out, so that was also very nice

accidentally found the best fic ever and it brought me so much very needed comfort in the past week. it's sweet, funny and stress free. like a warm blanket. or a cup of vanilla cocoa that makes your cold toes tingle in winter. or a hug from the love of your life. first atz and woosan fic to enter my hall of all time longfic favourites. very rare honor but it deserves it completely

also found a bunch of bloggers who post videos of the ocean in Thailand, some even stream the beach 24/7. it's so cool, i watch it in the evenings for short periods of time. helps making it bearable to just survive here a little bit longer until i am able leave

i sort of of really like that when i don't spend 12 hours a day on the phone doing mind-numbing scrolling or posting, there is so much free time to do cool stuff? i have kinda felt like i can be back on here for a couple of days, but i still freak out a bit for two reasons. first, that bad comment is still hanging there and it still makes me too upset to open notifications or my own blog page, which is ridiculous but that's how my dumbass unwell-brain-made feelings are. so i will see how that goes away and i get over it like an adult. second, i'm scared to be sucked back in the addiction to the colourful little hellsite app so i usually end up throwing the phone away in panic after 5 minutes of the app being open. maybe i will work up to it more gradually, don't know, let's see how that goes too

thank you again my little treasure, i will happily take that kindness and comfort you offered here as you are a part of the world. and you can message without worrying anytime, no mutualship or officially labelled friendship necessary. i'm very cool with small amount of interactions, just not big on chatting online one on one for long and don't enjoy it super much. and also with how often i see you around we are considered friends for sure. so thank you again for being so sweet i really am so grateful to you for this, one hundred friend hugs in return

[mediumgayitalian]

jackie we miss you!!! hope ur doing well!!

okay HI GUYS i am finally for the first time in months looking thru my inbox. i am doing this while the gr 5 class i am supplying for goes wild around me lol. they have a free period and they are Noisy kids.

SO. hiatus! i did go on a hiatus. i did not announce it because i did not rly intend to bug off, but i got cramped at work and then i was just tired all the time and i wasn't writing and anything i WAS writing was awful, and i lost confidence, and i stopped writing for months. it was heartbreaking! it has made it harder to enjoy the beautiful world around me.

BUT! ive nearly finished my first year of teachers college and i have made so many friends this year and have been able to, for the most part, handle my stressors with some degree of tact and maturity, and most of all i missed writing like a hole in my side, so regardless of whether or not i feel like i CAN still write i have returned.

now. will this daily posting thing last?? i don't know. i don't want to make promises, because i'm genuinely not sure. i am not as lonely as i was when i first started writing and i have other things now to fill my time and mind; i have fewer ideas now that i'm not dumping one hundred percent of my creative energy into making stories. i would like for this to last! i would like to finish all the fics i started last year and maybe even start some new ones; i would also love to be able to write all 100 prompts of the 100 ways series. that would be cool. for now the goal is to keep posting, but i'm not stressing myself out about it. if that makes sense.

what about fic rec fridays?? will they return? well, that i'm actually not too sure about. one of the biggest reasons i've been so bereft of ideas for the past while is because i haven't been READING anything. i'm not sure why! i've read the actual series a few times in the last year but fanfiction -- and i mean any fanfiction -- hasn't been able to hold my attention, for the first time of my life. it's kind of devastating and i'm not sure why but i really truly hope i get over it soon, because i know everyone has been writing and doing amazing things and i want to be involved (all this to say -- if you have any stellar recs, i'd appreciate them! i'm having trouble finding stuff on my own). right now i'm just re-reading stuff from years and years ago; if i start regularly reading fic again i will start recommending things again.

a very long, rambly message to say: hi everyone! i've missed you! i'm excited to be back, and thanks for being patient with me!

[thranduel]

this post has been in my drafts for a while and i started writing it before finn said this at a recent convention, but i'm posting it now because he mentioned E.T. again and has confirmed several times now that there's no love at first sight and that mike was basically fascinated by el because she has powers + is the only girl that’s given him attention. even lucas says this in the show:

anyways, in the stranger things worlds turned upside down book from YEARS ago (here is a photo of the page), finn says this about mike and el: “at first, he finds this girl and treats it like ‘oh i discovered something really cool’. then he kind of realised halfway through the second episode [that] this is an actual girl. it’s not E.T. it’s a person. he’s never even really talked to a girl, and now he’s teaching a girl to talk. i think he’s just drawn to her because one, she’s the first girl that’s ever had interest in him, and two, he has crazy interest in her and what’s going on in her brain”.

also, even without finn saying it himself more than once, we already knew there wasn't any love at first sight in the woods because...

sometimes i see people defend the 1x02 scene and say “mike only said this in front of lucas and dustin to sound cool because he was embarrassed about bringing a girl home, but didn’t mean it”, but he literally directly tells el this exact plan to her face IN THE SAME EPISODE 😭 he did mean it. this is a stranger to him and his best friend was missing, which was his priority. the next day when it’s just mike and el in the basement, he literally tells her to go to the front door and ring the doorbell and reassures her his mother will know what to do. this is the same plan he shared with lucas and dustin.

also, these screenshots show that he did get angry at her many times because he was so worried about will and he even says “lucas was right about you all along”, and again, lucas and dustin weren’t in the room here, so he wasn’t just saying that to impress them - he meant it. he was truly upset, angry and scared and his emotions were even more intense because of how worried he was about will.

and let me make this very clear - i’m not sharing this stuff to imply that mike doesn’t love el. i am very aware he does love and care for her as a person and they eventually do grow close. i’m just pointing out hypocrisy, lies and contradictions in the writing and making it very clear that mike’s monologue was not completely honest. parts of it didn’t even make sense and he only exaggerated and said those things in the moment because he was stressed and didn’t know what else to say, and it’s just frustrating seeing people act like it was the most “beautiful and romantic love confession” when it wasn’t, for SO MANY REASONS.

[aprillikesthings]

So I think about Catra and Adora's first time a lot.

Like, okay: first of all, they've wanted each other for how long? How long have they both been lying to themselves and/or other people about how badly they desire each other? I'm sure it started when they were teenagers (ha, and I love how many canon-based fics mention this, that at some point the locker room/showers became a source of mutual, unspoken torture), but at least they were friends then, able to rough-house a bit, and Catra could sleep at Adora's feet.

But then The Sword happens and they spend multiple years apart--and still unable to resist chasing each other in fights. Because fighting is still better than not seeing each other at all, right? But then the portal happens, and they stop even seeing each other.

And those weeks after the Cat gets Saved, the start of them flirting and teasing that's not hidden in taunts and fighting ("did you just jump in fire for me?"), and now there's tons of casual touching ("yeah Adora, concentrate!") but Does it mean something else? Does it? Does it? DOES IT? The agony of not knowing, the risk of being wrong--we even see Catra have that meltdown about it!

The relief and joy of finding their love and desire reciprocated!!!

BUT

I know some people think it takes them weeks or even months to work up to having sex, and I get why. I know I'm in the "it was a few days, tops" camp. But I understand why people disagree.

Because holy shit, the combo of "I've wanted you for as long as I've been capable of wanting" and "our first kiss saved the universe," that just puts so much pressure on their first times being good!

First times are stressful enough!! Do they want this? Am I any good at it? Is this how they like it? Is this how I like it? How do I ask for them to do something different? Is my body what they were expecting or hoping for? What if I'm so nervous I can't enjoy it? What if I take too long to come?

So for Catra and Adora it's also "what if I've wanted this for this long, and then it's Bad/I do it wrong/she doesn't like it/we're not good together"

But also "what if our first kiss saved the universe....and then everything after that sucks"

Add Catra's fear around vulnerability and Adora's desperate desire to please while never thinking of herself and things can get tricky! We can be honest about that! They're both going to struggle with wanting things, with asking for them.

Which is why I think the two most likeliest scenarios are: One, "impulsively go for it the moment they get enough time alone," just to push through that fear all at once--but also because if things are in fact good right away, and then the next thing is good, and the next thing--I just can't see them stopping.

(It's also why there's just SO MANY fics where their first time is "kissing that gets desperate and leads to grinding on each other's thighs," because god forbid they not be in physical contact with as much of each other's bodies as possible)

Or two, working up to things paaaainfully slowly because they're so nervous, and at each step going "okay this is good, we can just keep doing this for a while"

Besides, let's be honest: it is fun to imagine them just making out for an hour lol

All that said! I do think they once they've had sex a few times and get comfortable, they'll get relaxed and playful about it. And then they're not going to be able to keep their hands off each other for a while, aaahaha

Anyway. Here's a long-ass but great meta post I didn't write about how She-Ra is an entire cartoon about queer desire that's still appropriate for kids.

[bigsoggyboots]

Ephemeral

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Cowgirl!Sev × Black!CityGirl! Reader

random disclaimer: sorry I dipped for like 2 weeks. I encountered major writers block for the first time and went through a stressful 2 weeks of school. Now I'm sick, had to miss a day and a half of school, and wrote this. You could probably tell what I was reading to have me make an idea like this LMAO.

wc: 774

cw: mentions of drinking.

I referenced so many songs I have to put a list:

SAY SOMETHING - TWICE

Brave - TWICE

Green Eyes -Erykah Badu

Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You - Erykah Badu

SAPPY - RED VELVET

an: I said a lot already but the image below is one i edited using Picsart for the first time. It's free to use lol.

“Who woulda’ thought..” Sevika's words brought you away from the scenery before you. She still looked ahead, gripping your hand a little tighter. “..that all I needed was a city girl to show me this.”

You looked ahead, at the rain you both couldn't bear to look away from, then back at her. “Show you what?”

You saw a smile creep on her face before a chuckle left her. “How to find contentment in the mundane.” You blink in surprise. “You think I ever sat and watched the rain with anyone else?”

You turn and feel the blush fill your cheeks as you watch the rain she was talking about. You hated when this happened; when you'd get flustered and grow acutely aware of every sensation. And fortunately so, Sevika did that to you.

Since the day she reeled you in on her horse to now in the early foggy morning on her porch swing.

God, it's a love-hate feeling.

You knew she was watching you, those perfect steel eyes swallowing you whole. She was waiting for you to say something.

‘Please say something you blundering fool.’

“I know the feeling,” You smile, your gaze meeting hers. Neither one of you looked away. “I hadn't known something like that until I met this girl.” Sevika grimaced at your words, the huff leaving her making you chuckle.

“The work I had to do was long, hard, and exhausting. Day in and day out, I did damn near the same things. Wake up, eat, feed the animals, do chores, sleep, repeat.” You saw the way her face softened. You'd be lying if you said it wasn't heartwarming. “I was bored of it all.”

She gripped your hand a little tighter, egging you on. She scooted in closer. Maybe a wrists length away from you now. If you weren't so desperate to kiss her, you wouldn't have calculated that so fast.

“Then there was this one night in the barn. We both got drunk as shit, and she told me all her secrets that night.” Sevika forgot about that. She thought you did too. You told her the day after you did. Liar. “I don't think I'll ever forget that night. The blush on her face, the open wrinkly shirt,” Your eyes trace around her lips. “the smeared lipstick on her lips.” You played a dangerous game there and Sevika chuckled at your bravery.

“Anyways, the night was boring. But, for the first time, I loved it.”

The rain picked up and so did Sevika's smile. You've never seen her so open with you, and the comfort that it brought you was better than any touch could ever give.

“I wanted to live in that night for the rest of my nights. I've never wanted to drink with anyone else but that country girl.”

The rain filled the silence the two of you didn't bother to disturb. What else more could be said? 3 years of feelings were just spat into the air. You couldn't feel simultaneously more uncomfortable and so proud of yourself.

Yet, you both still held the same distance. You feel the shaking in her hand as she forces her hand to still.

Why is she shaking? Why is she waiting?

Then it hit you.

She's waiting for permission.

“Kiss me? Please?” Your voice comes out in an embarrassing squeak. Her lips encapsulates yours before you can even think.

☆

Southern drawl soothes you, puffy lips infuse you, and Ms. Cowgirl can't take her eyes off of you. Nothing but you.

Sevika's too good to be true. You wish you could remember how many kisses were being exchanged, out of either happiness or lust, so you could possibly keep it somewhere in the back of your mind.

“You're smotherin’ me.” You joke as the dogs bark. Even they grew tired of your sappy shenanigans.

The sun peeked out now, the sunrises glow decorating itself on you and Sevika's complexion. It was beautiful seeing how the sun creeped on your figures.

Sevika didn't bother to say a thing, pressing one more quiet kiss to your collarbone. While you stared ahead, Sevika kept her gaze to you. Her laugh was mischievous, prying your gaze away for a moment.

You feel something being placed on your head, and as you felt the object, you realized what Sevika was missing.

Her hair was free now, a little ruffled with small fly-aways; and now she could hardly contain the smirk forming.

Ephemeral was this moment. In your mind, you took a million snapshots as she said her next words.

“You're mine beautiful. And I'm yours. Ain't nothin’ gon’ change that.”

☆

[hl-obsessed]

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[wardingshout]

revstar tegakis

[yeonjune]

Yeonjun about the strain he felt while preparing for his debut solo project ✙ "GGUM" MAKING FILM

[skrunksthatwunk]

EXTREMELY REAL MOMENT FROM HIRANO HERE

[sciderman]

I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

[call-me-copycat]

I just need to be told "You Can Do It" right now.

[babehog]

Since I've become aware of my intrusive thoughts the worst aspects of them have shifted a lot. I still don't feel comfortable talking about what specific intrusive thoughts I do get because I know that there are people who cannot fathom living with thoughts like these that you can't control.

[emometalhead]

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[halogalopaghost]

[averlym]

no one would notice if i ever vanished // if bodies could sustain // this never-ending army // like blood pumping through a vein

(click for better resolution!)

:OOO hello. anyway since these are all posters i'd have in an ideal world or smth and i'd like to store the high res versions somewhere,,, here's the google drive folder for them? hehe ''

close up!

[thesmokinpossum]

Eh chat, how long you think this laptop still got?