#and now i'm stressed about so many things

[katiascraft]

𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋ "Maybe i should've told you i miss you. But i don't know if you feel the same" | OP81 ✧₊⁺

parings: oscar piastri x singer!reader

summary: your insecurities lead to lose the love of your life, but destiny always play its worst (or best) cards for you. in the aftermath of it all, two souls become one (again). or that's what you'd like.

inspired by: gracie abrams music ⤦

⟢ ‘almost said I miss you’ EP: tracklist

➥ track 1 - mean it

➥ track 2 - stay

➥ track 3- I miss you, I’m sorry

word count: 6k.

warnings: angst. and a little fluff. mentions of insecurieties, trauma and depression. not a native english speaker so there could be (so many) erros. not proofread.

MASTERLIST

「 ✦ The ticking clock ✦ 」

You took a deep breath. Your hands were shaking and your stress levels were at their peak.

“You are always picking fights, y/n. I'm tired, "Oscar said, clearly annoyed. Is not that you always fought or had a toxic relationship, no. but lately, things got harder between you two. Stupid fights now and then. Dead silence that creeps you out everytime. Coldness was the new dynamic you had going on. And it hurts.

Everyday hurts lately.

“Oscar, I'm not always picking fights. For fucks sake, just wanted to know why you are so cold all the time to me!” you didn't want to raise your tone but desperation never took the best out of you. He was shocked, his head disapproving. Probably done with all of this. Done with you. You didn't want to admit it but maybe it was true. 

“I'm not being cold to you, y/n. I already explained it to you: I'm tired. My job it's complicated enough to come home to be even more complicated. Just stop” he said leaving the kitchen, leaving you behind hanging in your words. That made you so you followed him down to the living room. 

“Oscar, don't leave me talking alone, please! Why do you always have to run away? I have feelings actually you know? I would love to express them to my lover so we can have a proper conversation, what do you think about that?”

“y/n, bullshit. Don't act like I'm a monster who doesn't listen to you. If i didnt we wouldn't have this argument. Stop playing the victim for once. You don't hear me out either anyway” he gritted his teeth trying not to follow you down with your anger. He didn't want to raise his voice towards you. 

“Playing victim? You're an impossible oscar. I only asked you a fucking question, what did i do wrong for you to ignore me and act so cold? And you said you're just tired and that's bullshit” you were so angry by now. Offended. Hurt by his words. Hurt by the fact you were happy once and now everything is falling apart. You never hurt this deep before. 

“It's not!” he couldn't anymore with all of this. He didn't want to raise his voice but you made him feel exasperated. “You see? You don't trust me! Im telling you im just tired and you say its bullshit and then you play the victim card that i dont listen to you and im a fucking monster? I see how things go now. I'm done” he didn't even want to look at you. He just sat on the sofa looking at the floor. But you heard what he said under his breath. What you were most scared of what’s happening. 

You started crying out of desperation, anxious that all of this was gonna end right there and then. You just left him there and went back to the kitchen as if that way he wouldn't see nor hear you crying. You just couldn't keep talking or being around him. Your heart was sinking.

He sighed frustrated and stood up sprinting to his studio and banging the door. You gasped hearing the door closing so violently. No that he noticed what he said. Nor that he cared you thought he didnt care you anymore, that was for sure. 

(...)

You haven't talked to Oscar since yesterday. He didn't sleep at your shared apartment. He said he didn't want to see you. That hurt a lot. Your heart was already broken. You didn't know what to do anymore. You've been on this rabbit hole for several months. You didn't understand what broke between you or when it was. You felt confused, lonely and scared. What would your whole life be without him? Once, you only wrote love songs because what you felt for him was beyond what your body could handle so you needed to take it out. Now, you didn't write anything for months. You felt too much sadness, it felt like you didn't feel anything at all. Just emptiness. 

You were playing with your food, not really that hungry that you thought you would be. Another night alone without him. Would life be like this when he gets rid of me? I don't wanna leave. 

The doorbell rang. You frowned, not sure who it could be knowing it was almost 10pm and I couldn't sleep (just as yesterday and every time you had an argument with him). You looked through the little visor of the door seeing your boyfriend was back home. But telling from the look on his face, things wouldn't be better anyway. You opened the door after taking a deep breath not sure if you would survive another fight. 

You two just looked at each other for a few seconds. Probably analyzing how you were feeling now that 2 days have passed by. Neither of you smiled. Not that you had the energy or a reason to anymore. You moved from the door so he could get into the apartment and closed the door once he was in. 

“Did I wake you up?” he asked quietly. You swallowed hard not knowing what to say by this point.

“I can't sleep since you are gone, so. No, you didn't” you didn't want to sound cold, especially after you fought because he was acting like that with you,but you felt like shit and didnt have energy to pretend you were okay with it all. You felt miserable. He nodded without saying a word and looked at the floor for a moment. 

After a moment of really uncomfortable silence you broke it with something you didn't even think would slip out your mouth “are you seeing someone else, oscar?” your words cut through him as if they were sharp glass pieces just thrown directly at him. 

“What?” He was surprised and hurt that you thought about him like that. You shrug.

“I mean, it's not that you don't kiss me anymore, so.and i think you're not tired because of your job, i think you're just bored of me, tired of me, done with me” you sat on the kitchen table again. He followed you there but stayed standard. He was confused and hurt now. 

“When did I ever say that to you?” he was tired of all of this, for sure. But he wanted to make things work with you. He just didn't know how to.  It was hard for him to understand you, but he was trying. He finally sat in front of you staring at your plate. It was full, you kept playing with your doodles, pretending to eat like you used to. He felt so guilty for all of this. He knew at that moment. That he broke you. He didn't know how or when but he did. His face softened in sadness.

“You said it. You said you were done and you know what? I get it. I mean, it's not as if I am easy to love. I know I'm complicated and a pain in the ass for everyone so I wouldn't be surprised if you found someone else that makes you happy for real and you don't wanna tell me out of pity. I'm ready to hear it though. Just say it” your voice was empty and plain no emotion detected just numbness. He didn't want to think it was too late. It Has been a long time since he has seen you like this. At that time it wasn't him who made you feel like it. 

“I didn't mean to say it, y/N. I Was tired because of work and fighting with you. I don't like fighting with you. I wanna make things right, please. I wouldn't ever do that to you, you know it” he explained desperate for a moment. He wanted you to believe him. But your face didn't say anything. He couldn't read you and made him scared. You looked unbothered, way far gone now.  

You shook your head “i know you mean it and i know you are tired, but i don't think you really want to be with me anymore” your sincerity cut like a knife in both of you. Like, you over thought a lot about it but it still hurt. He was lost and didn't know what was going on anymore or was going through all of that. “You didn't deny it either” you continued.

“I'm not with anyone else, y/N, please” he cut you off with his deep voice, kind of cracky now. 

(...) 

You just didn't know how you ended up moaning his name once more. His mouth is in your centre. His hands are grabbing your tights. Your fingers on his hair.

How easy is it, right? To love someone. One moment, you destroy them.. Then, you fix them with makeup sex. Making them see the stars so they forget how shitty things are. So that pleasure it's more important than gentle affection. Always pretending to be sane then doing insane shit like this as if memory didn't exist when it came to you and him. As if feeling him inside you was the only thing that could fix your mind. That it was the only way to communicate properly. As if it was your love language, then ignore each other. 

His hands of your body grabbing you as if you were about to break and he was trying to keep all of your pieces together. As if he could save you or your relationship that was already 10 feet down buried. He would like to think sex could fix it. That it was the best way to communicate if then you didn't trust him. He was hurt and you didn't trust him. You were hurt because he didn't love you anymore. Unfortunately, your minds couldn't agree. You were the love of his life, he wanted to help and make you trust him. But you just didn't, you already convinced yourself he didn't love you anymore and that everyone was better than you. He wanted a team when you just wanted to run away from him. Or from yourself?

「 ✦ Destruction ✦ 」

“I'm done with you for real, y/n! Everytime an important day comes for me, you just like to ruin it!” He was mad as hell. Fed up with all your bullshit. 

“You really think I do it on purpose? oscar! “ He left the room so you started following him around your shared apartment. “I wouldn't if you didn't ignore like you always do! I don't know what to do anymore! Nothing seems enough for you!” you started crying out. Your heart couldn't take it anymore and this time it felt different. So much different than any time before.

“Why is it always my fault? Why am I always the one doing something wrong? The only thing you do is complain about me and then you just want me to kiss you?! You are insane!” His words cut you deep, so deep you thought they cut you in half and you were nothing anymore. You couldn't breathe for a moment. He called you insane just the way your parents made you feel your whole life. Maybe they were right after all. You deserved all of those years in a psychiatric hospital. You deserved even when he

 was the first one to say your parents were monsters and you were more than okay. More than normal. More than lovable. How ironic, right?You wanted to laugh but couldn't. You just couldn't move. 

Oscar realised what he said. He knew when he saw you. He felt terrible at that moment.

“Look, y/n i-” you cut him not wanting to listen to him anymore. 

“Dont talk” you said shaky under your breath. You had to sit down on the sofa because you felt you were about to faint. In shock - a lot of moments of your relationship replayed in your head. How could someone who said he loved you more than anything and anyone, end up thinking just as your parents? It was your fault. Of course it was. How could you ever think someone would love you? You were miserable. How can someone love a miserable person? 

Oscar started breathing heavily and he had to sit on the floor trying to calm down. He is always so collected and rational, these kinds of feelings he had never experienced, not even with his ex. 

“We can't be together Oscar, I make you miserable. And you're right. I'm insane, how could someone love me right? No one wants to deal with my bullshit, not even myself” you said quietly. His throat closed for a moment. He remained in silence for a few seconds processing your words. You didn't look at each other, you couldn't. Guess this was it. How sad, right? Oscar started crying realizing what was about to come.

“I promise y/N, I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it that way. You aren't hard to love, actually the opposite. But yeah, i don't think this is working for us anymore whether i like it or not” he said wiping his tears away of his face as he could. 

You nodded even though you didn't hear a word he said. It was over. Your life is over.

「 ✦ time heals it all, right? ✦ 」

It's been exactly 8 months and 25 days since you and Oscar were not together anymore. Yes, you had a countdown. You created it to see how far you’ll survive because you didn't believe you would last this much. You thought your life was over and for a few weeks it was. You didn't get out of bed. The break up depression, i guess. Your friends suggested you go back to therapy because they were really worried about you and your mental health. They knew how much Oscar meant to you: he was your everything. And to be honest, that was your first mistake going into the relationship with him. 

You shouldn't have made him your everything because you were nothing suddenly when you left. You didn't know who you were without him, what you liked or what you would like to be. All of your future plans had him in them. There wasn't a future without him. He was everywhere in your life. You shaped your destiny around him. You wanted to get married and have kids with him. And you never wanted to be a mother but he had changed that until he was gone. 

You couldn't go back to dating. You tried but failed every time. You were a little too afraid to get hurt again. You had to work through your insecurities and traumas first. There was a lot of your history that needed to be let go. You needed to go through really ugly times in your past to find some perspective. Forgive yourself, putting yourself first, understanding yourself. You just worked on knowing you and becoming the person you always wanted. 

And you grew and changed so much. You felt proud of yourself. You started writing again. Creating was the best way to mourn your relationship with Oscar alongside your old self that left him. To mourn that part of you that is gone forever. Creating was what kept you sane all this time. What brought you back to life. You wrote so many songs about him. Blaming you, blaming him. Blaming the universe for not putting it easier on you. 

So music, once again, saved your life. 

Oscar’s life changed drastically. Not only by the fact he didn't have you anymore on the paddock to cheer him on, but also he didn't have you in his apartment to share his life with. He missed you everyday he woke up to an empty bed. Mourning what you had changed him forever. He blamed himself for not knowing how to get to you, how to understand you and be able to help you through it. So he started reading about psychology to learn how to understand people better. He wanted to improve his emotional intelligence. He knew that maybe you wouldn't be there anymore, probably forever, but at least he could be better to the people around him. 

He didn't date anyone. His way of mourning was trying not to think about it occupying his space and time with work and training and racing and reading. He couldn't do anything else.  

He always found himself not being able to think, wondering where you were and especially how you were. After that night, you went to cero contact. And he knew it was the best, but he couldn't get you out of his head yet. He felt guilty knowing that he can understand your needs better when it's a little too late. He just wished to press rewind and do it again but the right way this time. He knew it was impossible and that dug a hole in his heart. He knew that it would be there forever. You were the love of his life. He really thought he couldn't love anyone that way, ever again. You were a force of nature for him. Blowing him away every single time. 

You never went back to races. He knew how much you adored the sport and how in another life you would have loved to be an engineer. You dreamed of one day to see a woman on the podium. You actually sponsored two girls from F1 Academy. The boys didn't see you again either. Actually he knew you did see lando a few times because you two became really close during your relationship, but lando always lied and told him that he didn't see you. He knew Lando was trying to be a good friend. He even tried to introduce Oscar to some girls but it never worked. He tried though. But he found himself thinking that he was kissing it was you. It was heartbreaking to see. He was kind of stuck on you. 

So he decided he would take his time to grow and figure out who he was by himself. Find comfort in his own company. Doing dates  by himself. He found it cringe to call it that way but his therapist insisted on calling it that way so he could deprogram himself from you and anything and everything related to you. 

He was proud of himself though. He was doing alright again, actually enjoying his job, his friends, and his own company. He even won races, he did podiums and everything he dreamed of. But still, he hoped you didn't feel like you needed to leave to let him shine. He wished you were there every time to hug you and shower you in  champagne. 

He really missed you in his life.

「 ✦ Too far gone, don’t know where we started ✦ 」

So here you were more than a year later at the Azerbaijan GP 2024. The Mercedes team invited you as a star guest so you came with your friend because alone you would have died. Actually, before coming to the paddock you had an anxiety attack and if it wasn't for your friend who made sure you felt safe and okay to go, you would’ve been on a plane back home. It was the first time since you broke up with Oscar you felt okay enough to be able to go through it. You were invited by different teams at least 15 times now. But you always lied and said you couldn't make it. You just needed to stay at home or the studio writing as far as possible from oscar and anything related to him. But you went through all of that with your therapist and she said that if you liked the sport and you really enjoyed races or anything related to it, you shouldn't let Oscar or the thought of him or what happened, deprive you of it. 

It was sunday, you preferred not to come on friday or saturday just because there were more possibilities you would bump into him. And you just weren't ready to see him. The race was insane so far. Actually, Oscar was doing more than okay. Your heart was pounding, you could hear it loud and clear. Your best friend held your hand all the time in that garage so you don't forget she’s there for you. And that you’re okay.  You knew you shouldn't be afraid of him because he was an angel. But you were scared of yourself and how would you handle that situation. You came to terms that actually, everything that happened between him and you, it was that your insecurities just made everything so toxic that he couldn't handle it all. It didn't feel good when you realised that but it is what it is. You didn't know better and forgiving yourself for that was the hardest part of the process. 

You squeezed your best friend's hand, it was the last lap. Your heart is almost out of your body. You are wearing an old Oscar hoodie. You really liked it, plus you came here looking like shit in your opinion. You didn't even brush your hair nor that you needed it like before, now your hair is super short. Everyone in the garage was watching closely and before you could actually process what you ‘ve just seen. Your friends shouted “omg” in unison not believing what they saw.

Destiny had its twisted ways to be honest. Osca won the race. he won. You were just shocked. 

You were here and he won, like, what are the chances of that to happen actually? First race you’re back and he wins. and in that way. Your friends hugged you. 

“Holy shit that 's really insane shit” Nikola said, watching the screens at the garage. 

“We need to go guys, i don't wanna see him, please” you didn't know why you started to panic like that. Sonny looked at Nikola and just got you out of there. 

At the Mercedes hospitality you felt safe while the celebrations were held. There was no reason or chance Oscar walked into the Mercedes building, right?  You were drinking some coffee with you girls trying to focus on the conversation about any other driver but Oscar, just around strategy and stuff. You were trying really hard but you couldn't stop thinking about the fact that maybe he could come into you any time. Now that you see destiny hates you. 

“y/N, you okay bestie?”Sonny tried to get you out of your drawing though by touching your arm so she could catch your attention back to reality. 

“Oh yeah, I was just thinking,” you said, adjusting yourself on the chair. Nikola looked worried. 

“y/n, we can go if you need to. We don't want you to feel uncomfortable, okay? Just tell us” she said, comprehensively describing the situation and her friend's feelings. You licked your dry lips.

Before you could answer her someone interrupted you. 

“y/, is it you?” that. Fucking. Voice. Your friends’ eyes widen as surprised as you were. You turned to the voice to find, in fact, your ex boyfriend watching you so confused. You were speechless for a moment. He looked so pretty and sweaty. His eyes are shining brighter than ever you have seen. 

“Oh, hi oscar. Yeah, it’s me” you tried to play it cool but to be fair, you felt the butterflies on your stomach just like the first time you met him at that  birthday party you didn't want to go to. But luckilyyou did. Destiny is always playing dirty for you. Or geniously. You didn't know anymore. He smiled widely.

“Oh, wow, hi, yeah. I didn't know you were coming” he said nervously. Your friends looked at each other noticing. 

“I was invited by George, actually. I almost didn't come tho. How crazy, you win right? You did an amazing race. "You were surprised that you could even have a proper conversation with him while your heart was hurting out of anxiety, nervousness and butterflies were everywhere. 

Oscar Felt his chest tighter. His stomach was happy to see you, he knew. “Thank you,” he said sweetly. You looked so pretty under the light of the Mercedes building. You were his hoodie, your favorite, but he didn't know if it was appropriate to mention it. Your hair was so short and looked so beautiful on you. It actually made you look prettier. Your face was the face of an angel, he always thought that. But with that haircut it only intensified your perfection. He felt stupid. Just like the first time he saw you at that party he wasn't even invited directly. Destiny always played on his favour with you, until that night. He didn't even want to remember it. You looked so different yet you felt the same. Your perfume was the same, he knew. It’s the one he gifted you on your 6 month anniversary. You used to celebrate each month. 

An awkward silence makes its presence between you two, not knowing what else to say or comment. 

“Congrats oscar on the win” sonny tried to save you from misery right there capturing oscar’s attention. He smiled gently, thanking her and nikola. He recognized them and gave them a hug. He seemed happy to see them. You smiled remembering your nights playing uno and drinking wine and baking canela rolls when winter break came around. You Missed him more than you’ve ever thought you would. And something inside you just felt exactly the same you always felt with him. He altered the chemistry in your brain so easily it was kind of scary. 

“Hey osc! Zac wants to talk to you! What are you doing here?” Lando Norris came into the building as well. He was your friend. when he saw who Oscar was, he grinned. “Hey, bestie, whatchu doing here?” he said happily, giving you a comforting hug. He was genuinely surprised because you didn't even tell you. He suspected Oscar was here because George told him you were here. He can't keep secrets. And he knew it was George because he was sure Lewis didn't even know you. 

“George invited us,” you explained after he stepped back.

“Okay let's go, great to see you girl. Hope to see you around more often "Oscar said while looking directly at you in the last sentence to then disappear dragging Lando out of the hospitality. Your friends looked at you and you looked at them.

“I need a whole vodka bottle down my throat right now” you sentence, making them laugh. But you didn't. You felt scared of what you felt a few moments ago. 

(...)

New year is here. You were invited along with your friends by lando to his beginning of the year party here in Monaco. And oh you knew Oscar was gonna be there. Of course, he is one of his closest friends also.

This time you felt more calm and collected around the fact you were going to see him again. I think being drunk was the thing you were thanked for. If something felt rare,you would drink straight vodka or tequila and the problem was solved. You didn’t even have to think about it. 

Your friend helped choose the sexiest dress for you. It was a satin white little dress with broderie endings. Pretty subtle but at the same time suggesting. Just how you were. Angel face, dirty minded. Problem was you couldn't date people because of the Oscars. Because since you saw him those seconds in Azerbaijan, you couldn't stop seeing his shiny eyes and beautiful smile every time you close your eyes. You didn't interact all of this time, you didn't even follow each other on social media. 

Mystery drove you I guess. And who could blame you? It was Oscar Piastri, the one you had to forget. But I just couldn't. You missed his touch, his breath, his voice, his lips. 

Your friend took you out of your thoughts telling you they needed to go to the bathroom. You Followed them around the party up to the toilets. They got in but you decided to wait outside because the music was just so good you wanted to enjoy it. You always wished you could write a party song but it isn't your thing at all. Nor you didn't have the personality for it. You were too deep of a person. You needed to cut deep. Be someone to suffer along with. Or at least that’s how you perceive yourself as an artist. 

“y/N?” not that voice again. That damn voice. Though this time you were waiting for it. You looked up to find a drunk Oscar in front of you. You were breathless for a moment. How can a man become so much hotter in just a year? You smiled at him feeling your strawberry lip gloss. 

“Hoy, osc. What’s up?” you said easily. The alcohol made it easier actually. When he smiled you almost died. You Adored his smile since that party you didn't even want to go to. You thought you fell in love with him just right there. Just right here…?

“I was looking for Danny, have you seen him?” he said normally, ignoring his heart, almost skipping a beat when he saw you in that short white dress. He hoped not to be drooling in your face. Since he saw you again, he couldn't get you out of his head. You were everyday hunting him. He wanted to text you but he wasn't sure if he should. You seem so happy now, he didn't want to ruin it. He convinced himself that probably the best for you was staying away from him as much as possible. At the end of the day, he was the reason you hurt, right? Or he wanted to believe that. 

For a moment you watched his lips talking to you. His drunk voice always turned you on. But you couldn't show it. Not anymore. You looked back at his eyes. Half smile on your face while shaking your head “no, i didn't. Iwas waiting for my friends that are in the bathroom” you explained and he nodded. 

“Well, I'll keep looking then. See you around” he told you to go back into the crowd to look for his friends. Hesaw the way you looked at his lips. He had to be the stronger one. It was better this way. As much as he wanted to eat you out right there and then.

He hurt you. He didn't understand you. He didn't deserve you. He made sure to protect you from himself. Even though all he wanted was to be with you.

「 ✦ the (your) truth is out ✦ 」

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liked by sabrinacarpenter, user456, landonorris and 1,543,678 others

yourusername: i'm so excited to finally tell you our biggest secret! my new ep 'almost said i miss you' will be out february 14 <3 (trying to resignificate the date lol) these songs are really important to me and i can't wait till they finally become yours. thank u to the bestest bestie in the worl for guiding me and helping me through it all, it wouldn't have been possible without you. and you guys for the support, you don't know how much you mean to me :,) thank you for listening to my music since day one. i feel so lucky! see you in a few weeks :D

tagged: sabrinacarpenter, y/nhq

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sabrinacarpenter: so proud of you baby, my fav artist forever. just keep smiling! it's so beautiful to see you happy <3

nikolabff: we are so proud of you gorgeous! the prettiest songs I’ve ever heard 🥹

sonnybff: girl you always serve, thank you for sharing your art to the world I admire you like crazy. So proud of you baby, I love you <3

user489: 'trying to resignificate the date' WHY AM I SOBBING AT WORK

User99: THE TRACKLIST 😭😭😭😭😭

↳ user87: “I miss you, I’m sorry” I CHOKED

user45: it hurt

user12: so excited

landonorris: can`t wait for the world to cry their eyes out just like i did when i heard them :( (it still hurt and I cry before falling asleep)

↳ nikolabff: bro same 😭😭😭

↳ maxverstappen: babygirl

↳ landonorris: get outta here 😡

georgerussel: I know who will cry listening to this

↳ danielricciardo: @/oscarpiastri

↳ landonorris: @/oscarpiastri

↳ sonnybff: guys knock it the fuck off

hattiepiastri: so prod of you girl! Can’t wait to listen to it!

↳ user67: NOT HIS SISTER OMG

↳ user08: I don’t wanna be delusional but girl you

don’t help

↳ user134: they NEED to get back together I don’t

wanna suffer anymore I know Hattie

wants it too 😭

user1: I’m not alright knowing these are for oscar tbh IM DEAD and I haven’t even listened to them yet

taylorswift: and artist of the year goes to…

olivirodrigo: my day to day inspiration

user975: I love girls supporting girls

user56: @/f1gossipofficial is there something about this you’d like to share????

「 ✦ The aftermath - february 14 ✦ 」

Oscar was back to the UK training for the beginning of the new season. It was the coldest winter he experienced. He got back home from mclaren hq. He took a hot shower to warm himself. His apartment was silent. It felt empty for the first time. Like something was missing. He went straight into bed. He wasn't that hungry anyway, but he was tired indeed. 

“Hey, listen to it. I think you need to” 

He saw his sister Hattie's notification pop up on his screen confusing him abit. He went into the messages app and opened his sister’s. When he did he understood what she was talking about. A knot on this throat formed. It was y/n ep. Guess he now understood taylor swift’s exes. It’s hard to date a musician ust because of the aftermath of the relationship. 

“Just do it. You will understand why once you did” 

Another message popped up on this screen and sighed heavily. Probably his sister was right but at the same time he was scaredas fuck. He opened it on spotify, she looked as pretty as ever on the cover of it. ‘Almost said I miss you’ - that was the title and only had 3 songs. By the names of them he suspected it was about him but he tried to believe they weren't even though his sister already told him that they were. He decided to listen to it in order.

He took his headphones from his nightstand so he could hear your voice clearly. All over his head. Cutting deep into his fiber. 

The first piano tiles started playing and his heart was already sinking. Hearing her voice so raw and close and clear sent shivers down his spine. He heard every single word you said. It described perfectly that horrible and forgettable night you broke up. Hearing your voice crack broke his heart into a million pieces. It wasn't even half of the song when he started crying. He knew what he said under his breath that sent you both straight into hell. He felt so guilty about everything. He really just wished to talk to you. 

When he started to hear the second song he knew it was about that race you went. He hoped to see you in the next one, and the next one. But you didn't go again. The lyrics were so real his skin felt every word. 

When he heard you saying that you felt sorry his tears streamed down his face more violently. He didn't recognize this person. But you always had this effect on him. With you he was a feeler, one that felt way too deeply. Unlike the person he shows to people. You always knew the real him. He couldn't lie to you. Even though you thought he would cheat on  you. He would never. Hearing you wanting to hold him broke his heart. Why did you both have to do this the hard way? Why didn't you just be happy with each other? He really missed you. He missed everything about you. Your presence around him. He was his best version with you. Now he feels like a ghost of who he used to be. 

The last song just ended him. 

‘Do you remember being happy together? I do, don't you? Then all of the sudden, you’re sick to your stomach. Is that still true?’ he whipped his tears the best he could. 

You never called her or told her you missed her. But he guessed you would have liked it like that. 

‘everything i know brings me back to us. Everywhere I go leads me back to you’ he felt the same. 

He didn't know what to do. He had a battle inside him. He promised himself he would stay away from you so you could be happy just like you deserved. But at the same time he wanted to be happy and he knew you made him happy. He was happy with you. 

“So? Call her please oscar. You both deserve to be happy and figure things out along the way, together”

Hattie read his mind. Her text just in time when he is back into the silent apartment. The empty and cold apartment that once was full of laughter and music because you were with him. He missed you so much. He missed hearing you play guitar rumbling words then writing them down. You hugged when he was back home, you cuddled in bed when he was sad, your perspective on things. He missed every detail about you.

But was he ready to come back to you?

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ ∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ ∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

author's note: SO I DELETED IT BY MISTAKE AND I HAD TO REDO IT :(((((((( i've never been this sad but I hope you like it anyway. (This like a 2.0 version) it's the longest fic i've ever written and i love it sm :,) oscar piastri i deeply love you.

idk if I should do a part 2, should I?

also shout to to my international friends nikola and sonny, you girls at the best mwak mwak 💌

don't forget to like, reblog or comment! and follow me so we can be friends :3 (and drink mate together)

[daenysx]

Hi! This sleepover has come just in time for finals season! I Hope November isn’t treating you too badly. Could I request 10:30 (pm) with poly!wolfstar?

I was thinking maybe reader is overwhelmed trying to manage schoolwork and the approaching holidays and the boys help her unwind? Unless you have something else in mind which is totally cool too!

10.30 PM | POLY!WOLFSTAR

"sorry, but i'm still thinking of my essay."

sirius looks at you with a cute pout, you wanna kiss it off his face. he's dramatizing things now, but deep down you know this is not a very nice thing to say. they've been trying to distract you since dinner.

"i'm sorry." you say with a frown. "i'm trying, but it's just- there are so many things to do, i just wanna catch up."

"we know what you mean, dove." remus says, he rubs your thigh with slow fingers. "you're right to be nervous, but it's not like you'll be very productive even if you start your essay right now. you need to rest."

"you know, there's this lovely thing called procrastinating things until the deadline, maybe you can try that for the first time." sirius teases. he's wearing a thick jumper, his chest looks broad and soft, you think maybe you can crawl in there like a cat.

"actually i'm procrastinating, but that's even more stressful than the actual work."

remus pulls you from your shoulders and his mouth finds your forehead. he kisses your frown off. it's actually really nice to be away from your laptop for an evening.

"don't listen to him anyway, sweetheart." remus says. "at least one of us needs to be a responsible person."

"that hurts me, dear moons." sirius puts his hand on his heart. "i think you should make it up to me."

"kiss!" you clap your hands. remus lifts his head, his eyes sparkle with cheekiness.

"that's the least he can do."

"come closer then." remus says. "i can't move."

"if this is making it up to me, then why am i doing the entire work?"

his words get cut at some point because remus has a long enough arm to pull sirius to himself. it's absolutely attractive, the way he holds you on his chest with his one arm and pulls sirius gently with the other one.

sirius gives him a sound kiss, you smile. their chemistry warms your heart.

"that was really hot." sirius admits. "you are forgiven."

"thank you."

they somehow manage to distract you. you don't think about your eesay anymore, you only crave to be squished between them in bed as they coax you into sleep. remus looks at you with a fond gaze.

"i'm gonna fall asleep, i think." you say slowly. remus keeps rubbing your back.

"that was the whole point, angel girl." sirius whispers. "we were trying to trick you into sleeping early."

dreamer girl sleepover ♡

[zippidi-dooda]

You smiled, reminiscing as you watched the stoic male scribble away at his desk. He dipped the nib into the dark jar, each swirl of the pen trailed by shimmering ink. His fingers were never dotted with mess and sleeves pristine.

For how many pages you'd seen, lines neat with dotted eyes and crossed 't's, his tilts and formalities were ever familiar.

You couldn't even keep track of how many you'd recieved.

But you did remember adoring them.

"Hey, Rollo? When am I getting my next note?"

"What?" He raised a brow, turning over his shoulder to look at you.

You padded across the wooden floorboards, placing your hands over the back of his seat.

"A letter. You never responded to my last one."

He set his pen down, shifting to better face you. "What's the need? Anything that needs saying can be done in person now that we're in the same house."

"Well, yeah," you sighed, "but you enjoy them don't you? No one really sends letters nowadays, it feels romantic."

An attempt to cover his blushing face was stopped by your hand on his.

"... it was simply for ease. Hand writing keeps one enriched. Besides it's safer." He turned back to the table. "Your meal's been prepared in the kitchen. If you favor something else, tell me, I'll only be a minute."

Your eyes watched him for moment, tracing the creases in his robes, the rare stray strands out place in his silvery hair, the light hitting him just right to envelop him in a warm glow.

Then you leaned forward.

Your arms wrapped around his shoulders, nose nuzzling into the soft heat between his chin and neck.

To say he was caught off guard would be an understatement. He practically jumped at your intrusion, tired eyes snapping down to you.

"What are you doing!"

You chuckled nuzzling deeper, "you've been working for a while, let me keep you company."

An uncomfortable noise buzzed in his throat.

He looked at the wall in front of him, a slender hand pressing over where your arms crossed.

"N-no ... that's alright. I just need to sign this before sending it out."

"What's it for?"

"... my parents."

You perked up, eyes looking up at him. "Parents? How sweet. You know, I don't think you've mentioned them much before ...."

He reached for his pen again. "Yes, well ... I do not see them much. Though, they're happy I'm doing well and write me often. Honestly, they worry too much."

You positioned your head on his shoulder, scanning his letter.

"Will I meet them someday?"

He flushed once more, eyes squinting shut. "I'd rather not. They'll probably put up more of a fuss."

His eyes drifted to his ruby ring on your finger.

A pause.

Then he sighed again.

"Though I suppose now's the safest time to tell them about about our ... predicament ...."

You straightened up, smiling.

"I think we should invite them for dinner."

"What!" He pushed back his chair. "Y/N we cannot do things on a whim. There are cues and expectat-"

"Oh, it's your parents, Rollo. If they write you I'm sure they'll be happy to actually see you again."

"Y/N, there are times where-"

You cupped his cheeks, squishing them to form his lips into a pout. "I'd like our son, daughter, or whatever, to know at least your parents since they can't know mine. And I'd like to know the people who created this perfect gentleman in my hands."

His nose twitched as you squeezed his cheeks for emphasis.

He desperately wanted to roll his eyes and storm out to make his own point, but instead he breathed deeply and looked to the side.

It wasn't that he didn't want you to see his parents, if circumstances were different he would've rushed you to them the instant you'd eloped.

But he didn't want to see them.

It was the reason he was so far away in the first place.

He couldn't stand to see them after all that had happened.

And he was certain nothing good would come out of it.

They'd tell you about ...

Well, the less you knew about him or his family the better.

Besides, focusing on the two of you and what was to come was best right? Yes, best to avoid adding stress factors to your soon to be unprompted hormones.

He pried your hands from his face and stood, "We'll see about invitations."

"I knew you'd come around! And I think-"

He wrapped his free arm around you, hand on your hip as he guided you away from his papers, "yes, yes, let's worry about keeping you in safe condition, those plates aren't going to clear themselves."

You chuckled, leaning into his arms as he led the way.

You both knew he had nothing to be so fretful for, but his readiedness regarding your well-being just made you feel to warm inside.

You couldn't think of a single thing about him there was not to be fond of.

... but he could

<< Prev | Next? >>

[rourouxiaobao]

MXTX FoodZine 2024 \o/

My MXTX FoodZine 2024 fics are finally live!!! On my AO3, that is (they've been live via the official Zine channels for a while now, just that I was overseas, and then fell sick with Post-Trip Flu).

I contributed 2 fics and 3 recipes for this year's Zine! I was supposed to contribute and 3rd fic (collabbing with someone else's recipe) but time and stress really got to me and I couldn't get it done (to my standards) in time. I'll save it for next year's Zine! :D

My contributions: - MDZS fic + 1 recipe (there are 3 recipes in this collab) - TGCF fic + recipe - Recipe for a SVSSS art collab Info for each contribution below, along with page numbers for where they can be found within the digital Zine! For the fics, you can click/tap on the header or fic cover image to be directed to my fic!

Accusations of Murder (And Other Sibling Things) [MDZS Fic]

Relationships: Xue Yang & A-Qing, Jiang Yanli/A-Qing, Song Lan/Xiao Xingchen Tags: Yi City Fam, Siblings Xue Yang & A-Qing, Sibling Shenanigans, Are You Really Siblings If You Haven't Accused Each Other Of Heinous Crimes At Least Once, Sibling Love Language Is Accusing Your Sibling Of Murdering Your Pet, But You'll Also Die For Them, And You'll Absolutely Murder Anyone Who Fucks With Them, Just Sibling Things, Food Fic, MXTX FoodZine, Suppportive Bro Xue Yang, Coming Out, No Hurt All Comfort, Sibling Bonding, Modern AU Summary: Something is bothering A-Qing and Xue Yang, in his capacity as her insufferable responsible big brother, decides to do something about it.

Bribery with food and unfounded! accusations of murder abound. Pages: 110-115 (Pg110 GhostySword's recipe; Pg111 DJ's recipe card; Pg112 my recipe + DJ's art; Pgs113-115 my fic) Please check the post-fic notes for DJ's and Ghosty's socials!

One Man's Trash Is Another Man's Grocery List [TGCF Fic]

Relationships: Hua Cheng/Xie Lian, He Xuan/Shi Qingxuan, Shi Qingxuan & Xie Lian, Hua Cheng & He Xuan, Jun Wu/Mei Nianqing Tags: Food Fic, MXTX FoodZine, Modern AU, Xie Lian's Absolutely Trash Luck, Xie Lian's Absolutely Trash Cooking Skills, But If There's No Cooking Involved It'll Be Okay Right, In Sanlang We Trust, Getting Drunk, Drunken Shenanigans, Hualian, Beefleaf, Hangover, Meetcute or Meatcute, Undergrad Extracurricular Activities, Getting Together Summary: Through the capricious whims of fate, Xie Lian (someone who can and has burned a pot of water) finds himself registering to be a member of his new university's Cooking Club. Worst still, he has to bring a dish to the annual party for first-year students!

Will the help and advice of his new (best?) friend Sanlang be enough to help him whip up something that won't result in disaster to his kitchen or the local hospital's emergency department? Pages: 229-236 (Pg229 my recipe; Pgs230-236 my fic; Pg236 Misty's art) Please check the post-fic notes for Misty's socials!

Triple-Choco Cookies [SVSSS Recipe Card]

Recipe: Me Art: Inu [inuthe3rd @ Tumblr | Twitter | Instagram ] Page: 53

What Was The Dropped Entry?

It was the SVSSS fic for Li's (chefyli909 on Twitter) Ice Cream Mochi recipe. It's a MoShang fic (with background BingQiu). I had Grand Plans to do a fic for each MXTX-verse. Idk why I keep trying to murder myself lol. I guess with Inu's recipe card, I technically do have an entry/contribution for each, but still... ^^;;;

All that said, please check out the whole Zine for excellent MXTX foodie works by many awesome and talented fanwork creators! ^u^

And many thanks to the MXTX FoodZine team for their hard work and incalculable effort in coordinating yet another year of excellence! I'm so glad to be part of this fantastic Zine once again!

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

By now, we've reflected on all the good things about Louis and Clementine's relationship, what they overcame together and why they are so very good for each other, etc., but I'm wondering, just for the sake of inquiry, what kind of roadblocks do you see them running into? It's hard to imagine, but every relationship has problems. This is considering the comics aren't canon (they are, but for the sake of this question pretend they aren't! thanks CJ).

Oh, I imagine they have couple squabbles here and there. Y'know, one has a shitty day and is snappy, or they say something they shouldn't have and it causes an argument. Maybe they run into another raiders situation and that causes some stress.

Even though Louis and AJ have bonded and are on good terms at the end of TFS, I could see him being a "roadblock" again at some point based on a choice he made that Clementine and Louis have a disagreement about... but I think what's important, and what makes me adore them so much, is that I think they want to work things out.

If they can overcome Marlon's death, they can overcome anything, y'know?

Again, I think this is another thing that we acknowledge but don't really stop and think about like... Marlon was Louis' best friend. His best friend of many YEARS. They knew each other before the walkers came.

Marlon knew what Louis did to his parents, something he feels immense guilt over, and still wanted to be his friend... and I think that meant a lot to Louis. Marlon was their leader. Louis trusted him wholeheartedly and was the only one who never, ever saw him as pathetic. He believed in Marlon, he always trusted him because he thought Marlon would never betray him like that.

Like... Louis loved Marlon! He loved him like he were his own brother, that's how close they were!

And then Marlon killed Brody, tried to kill Clementine, pointed a gun at Louis' face when he stepped in front of her, and admitted to giving the twins to raiders AND THAT HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN.

And then AJ killed Marlon.

So not only did the one person in the world that Louis thought he could trust betray him, but then he was killed right in front of him and there was nothing Louis could do about it. He couldn't stop it, he couldn't get closure, nothing...

But Louis did forgive AJ, and he apologized to Clementine, like... excuse me if I struggle to imagine them breaking up after that, or running into any roadblock they can't overcome.

Even from Clementine's side, she adores Louis! She saved him because he's too important to her! She forgave him! Not only that, but she understood why he did what he did and she still wanted to make things work with him! She trusts him with AJ! They challenge each other and grow together! She finally has a partner who wants to build a better life for her and AJ!

All of that to say yes, I think they'd hit some roadblocks or issues in their relationship, but what matters is that they overcome those things together.

[hl-obsessed]

.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[yeonjune]

Yeonjun about the strain he felt while preparing for his debut solo project ✙ "GGUM" MAKING FILM

[averlym]

fairest of the fair

[sciderman]

I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

[call-me-copycat]

I just need to be told "You Can Do It" right now.

[disposal-blueeee]

halloween thing i drew for an art trade with @cherry-207 ! she asked for edgar and scri dressed as angel and devil . you can see her part here !

edgar vargas belongs to jhonen vasquez

scriabin belongs to @zarla-s

[sainz100]

a few Carlos moments from the 2024 Azerbaijan GP

[fromemotoangel]

if anyone cares have an angel and vic anecdote because i miss her! when we got home on the 19th we were all really tired, we lowkey weren't even thinking about dan and phil at that point because we desperately needed rest. i think at this point everybody else was in the middle of changing or packing. vic was just sitting on the floor folding something and i was compelled to tackle them. a second after we both simultaneously realized that we Did The Thing and we started laughing hysterically about it (because it was funny and also we were exhausted). and in our fervor vic knocked our heads together and hit their nose on my forehead. it was still red the next day. i have been rotating this moment in my mind since friday because pinof day and that was So fucking funny

[lovesodeepandwideandwell]

Made the exquisite decision to go do the workout path in the woods on my way to the airport, except doing this woke up my muscles and bodily awareness which in turn reminded me that my hamstrings are so flourishing it's not comfortable to sit with my legs out in front of me. So that's fun.

[aniseandspearmint]

Watching people in certain fandoms go nuts about their fav pairing maybe possibly going canon and its kind of baffling?

Like, why do y'all NEED that? Back in my day we happily shipped characters that never even MET in canon! Characters from entirely different media even!

Like, you do you, but pinning hopes (and mental health from the tone of some of the posts) on a ship going canon just seems so strange to me.

Remember fandom is supposed to be FUN and not stressful.