#and now i would just really love to see an introspective piece on these two characters

[gigilberry]

if i were to eventually write a jetara slice of life, feel good, minimal angst, whisper of the heart au fic would anyone be interested?

[slytherinshua]

RUBY OUT OF CONTROL

genre. fluff. brief angst(?). friends to lovers. steven universe au (post steven universe future by a few decades). nicholas is half-gem half-human like steven :D warnings. yn and nico arguing (before the fic starts). nico produces some fire accidentally. just two flustered friends in love with each other. not proofread. pairing. half ruby!nicholas x fem!human!reader. wc. 2k. request. no. a/n. i need to write more steven universe aus fr why is this hitting so hard skdjks. net. @kstrucknet

You had never really fought with Nicholas, at least, never like this. You’d been best friends for years since you met one Summer at an ice cream parlour when you were 16. It seemed like fate when you started talking and bonded immediately. He lived only 5 minutes away from your house with his dad, so seeing him every day started to become routine. 

He said he didn’t really have many friends, besides some gem buddies. You were his first human friend, but you didn’t find it unusual. Gems had assimilated to human society for a few decades since the infamous Crystal Gems created Little Homeworld. You’d had some fun conversations with a few introspective sapphires and a rambunctious peridot yourself. You were always curious to learn more about them, if you ever got the chance. 

Over the years, Nicholas learned everything about you, and you thought you knew everything about him too. You had never expected him to be hiding such a big secret as… this. He was half-gem himself. A rarity, even since the population of gems came to Earth. As far as you knew, there had only ever been one other; Steven Universe himself. 

It wasn’t the fact that he was a half gem that made you upset. You were always ready to accept Nicholas for whatever he was. But the fact that he hid it from you for so long had you confused, and regrettably, you had let your hurt emotions lash out at him. To make matters worse, in the heat of the moment, your feelings for him had slipped out in a messy spew of upset rambling. You weren’t ready for that— neither was Nico. The result? He hadn’t texted you in 3 days.

You were a bit scared to reach out, and too busy overthinking and beating yourself up about how you reacted to even think of how to make it up to him. He deserved better than his closest friend starting an argument when he was vulnerable. It was so easy to see now that he had probably been scared to tell you for years. Of course it was a sensitive topic; and now you had fucked it all up by making it about yourself. 

It was painstakingly clear now that you could put the pieces together. You were almost surprised you had never suspected him of being a gem before. You’d sometimes spotted over the years a hint of red peeking from under his hoodies or t-shirts. And you often wondered why he didn’t like swimming, or wouldn’t show off his muscles like other teenage boys. He was obviously in shape, you’d seen his arm muscles enough times to know that at least.

The red mark you always spotted wasn’t a birthmark, or skin irritation, or acne, but his gem. You felt so dumb for not putting the pieces together earlier, and even dumber for not being gentler with him. But, after the third day of stewing in your regrets and sorrows, you decided enough was enough. 

You were going to apologize to Nicholas at the very least, and hopefully, he would put the argument behind you (and forget about your stupid confession). You really didn’t want to lose your best friend after almost 8 years. You didn’t care about the secrets or even your feelings for him anymore. All that mattered was saving the friendship and seeing him again. 

So, you bravely walked out the front door and started the dreadful 5 minute walk to his house. You hoped he was home. Chances were high that he was. He had never been one to get outside on a Saturday morning when he could be lazing around in bed instead. When you knocked on the door to his house, his dad answered it. 

“Y/n… You looking for Nico?” He asked gently. He looked tired, and you were sure it wasn’t just because it was 9 am on a Saturday. You hoped you hadn’t hurt Nicholas that much…

You nodded, “Is he home?” You were surprised at your own ability to regulate your voice. Although you were seconds away from crying in reality, you tried not to show it to Mr. Wang.

“Of course, of course— he doesn’t go anywhere on a Saturday. I was hoping you’d stop by, actually. Nico’s been having a tough time for a few days; I was hoping you’d be able to cheer him up.” You tried not to get too disheartened by hearing that. You didn’t have the heart to tell Mr. Wang that you were the very reason he must have been having a hard time. He opened the door wider for you to step inside. When you did, you were met with the distinct smell of smoke. 

“Is something burning in the kitchen?” You asked immediately, assuming that your knock on the door had distracted Mr. Wang from cooking his morning breakfast or something.

“No, that’s just… Nicholas.” 

Your eyes widened in confusion, but Mr. Wang merely ushered you towards Nico’s room, backtracking to hand you a small fire extinguisher before allowing you to knock. You didn’t have time to ask why in the world you would need it, before he was knocking on the door for you and then disappearing to a different part of the house. You gulped nervously before forcing words from your throat. 

“H-hey, um, Nico? It’s me… If you don’t want to see me right now, that’s okay, but… I wanted to say I’m really sorry for the other day. I shouldn’t have reacted like that and—” 

The door swung open, and Nico’s dark eyes and red hair came into view. He was in a loose t-shirt, and you could notably see his gem poking up from the neckline. Now that you knew about it, you couldn’t help but stare at the shimmering jewel. You forced your eyes back up to meet his, though.

“—I hope I can make it up to you.” You finished quietly. 

Nicholas sucked in a breath, pulled you into the room by your wrist, and shut the door. Neither of you said a word, and you avoided eye contact with him or even looking at him, surveying the room as a distraction instead. 

“Are you aware your bed is… on fire?” You whispered, not sure whether to be alarmed or not about it. There was already so much else going wrong that a small flame in the room somehow wasn’t your biggest worry. Now the fire extinguisher that Mr. Wang had handed you made sense. 

“Uhm… yeah. Sorry about that.” He awkwardly patted out the flame with his hand, but soon another one sprouted. Flustered, he tried to smack them with his pillow, but as his face grew redder, the flames only grew.

“Is it from your gem?” You took a guess, fairly certain that the fire wasn’t of natural causes. 

“It happens when I’m… angry. Or flustered. Or when I can’t think.” He explained softly, a pain and confusion to his voice. He gave up on the flames, knowing that they wouldn’t catch on anything else in his room. 

“I see. Are you angry at me?” You asked, hoping it wasn’t the case, but with no justification to blame him if it was. You deserved it.

“No. I’m not. I don’t blame you for reacting like that. I was the one hiding something so big from you for so long. I think it’s just cause I’m overwhelmed. I can’t really get myself to stop thinking about 3 days ago.” 

“Me too.” 

“You meant it, right? That you like me?” He dared to maintain eye contact with you, anticipation and nerves bubbling in his chest. They manifested themselves as little puffs of smoke surrounding him. 

You were embarrassed that he asked about it right away. Part of you hoped he would forget you ever said anything, but you supposed there was no way to go back and unsay it. 

“I did mean it. I still do. I’m sorry for the way I reacted, but I promise it was sincere when I said that.” 

It was almost as if you could see the relief wash over Nicholas at your words. The room, which was quite hot when you came in, noticeably cooled in temperature, and the flames on the bed died down. 

“Thank you.” Was all he said, yet the emotion in his voice cut deep into your heart. He took a seat on the bed, and you followed suit. Soon, both of you were shoulder-to-shoulder, sitting in silence. But unlike when you first came in, it was a comfortable silence. A familiar silence. The kind that usually happened naturally whenever you spent time together. But still, something had shifted. There were still unanswered questions to get to— you were both waiting for who would be brave enough to address them first. You took your shot first.

“So… I assume you’re part ruby, right?” 

He nodded, “To be honest, I don’t know much about my gem. My dad tells me stuff about my mom sometimes, but I still feel disconnected from it. Rubies are pretty weak. They used to just be low-ranking soldiers for Homeworld. That’s the capital gem planet out there in space. I’m not sure why or how… I came to be. My dad won’t tell me much about that. He’s a little sensitive when it comes to the whole… self-sacrifice thing.” 

You nodded along to his explanation, all of it making a decent amount of sense for what you knew already about gems. 

“Can I see it? Do you mind?” 

Nicholas could see the sparkle in your eye, filled with curiosity and wonder. He smiled— he always loved your excitable fascination with new things. This reaction to his gem was one he infinitely preferred. He pulled the neckline of his shirt down a bit, revealing the entire gemstone. It was even prettier when you saw it up close. A dark rich red colour with glints of shimmer and sharp cut edges just below his collarbone. 

“Can I…?” You asked softly, hesitant to touch the gemstone without his approval. A cute flush of red covered his ears and cheeks and he nodded, eyes following your hand as it made gentle contact with the gem. He could feel his heart beating faster in his chest at the contact, his suppressed feelings for you growing to an uncontainable size. As if it was about to spill over. As if he was about to do something that he might regret. 

You looked so beautiful, admiring him and his gemstone like he was the most precious thing in the world. He had never felt precious, or like anyone cared about him in this way. His dad loved him, but he could feel how he missed his mother every time he looked at the ruby. Other gems found him unique, and naturally compared him to Steven, only to get disappointed once they realized he would never be as influential or powerful as the legendary diamond. 

But the way you looked at him was different. You didn’t see him as a replacement to his mom, or falling short of a living legend. You just saw him as Nicholas. Nothing more, nothing less. He was the same in your eyes; still your best friend, still the boy you had a massive crush on, still the most important person in your life. 

The feelings exploded, just as Nicholas feared, and a small spark lit under his hands, producing the smallest of flames.

“Oh my god—“ You laughed, eyes travelling down to the flame and then back up to his face, “Are you flustered right now?” You were smiling so fondly, giggles escaping past your lips in a hypnotising and beautiful way. He was frozen— all he could do was stare at you, his face turning a deeper shade of red as butterflies swarmed and his heart raced from your presence. 

And then he felt your lips kissing his cheek softly, and it broke him out of his trance. You still had that same smile on your face. A mix of adoration and amusement towards him. And there was a particular glint in your eyes, as if teasing him, telling him to make the move and kiss you properly. The chance was laid out right in front of him. Who was he to let it run away from him?

↳ &team taglist (bolded could not be tagged): @eternalgyu,, @kpoprhia,, @weird-bookworm,, @candewlsy,, @blossominghunnie,,

@chiiyuuvv,, @seunghancore,, @sobun1est,, @bananabubble,, @talkingsaxy,,

@talking-saxy,, @nicholasluvbot,, @hursheys

[the-monkey-ruler]

Which translation/adaptation of JTTW is best for beginners? Besides maybe Dragon Ball (doubt it counts)

Heh yeah I mean it’s a great anime but I don’t think you would have a good Xiyouji experience per se. Usually, I see Dragon Ball used as a gateway for people to THEN read/watch Xiyouji content but like it doesn’t really have much Xiyouji plot wise even if the characters are homages.

I would say that if you want an ACCURATE Xiyouji experience then you can choose between three shows. That being the classic 1986 which is many people's first Xiyouji experience as the cast is so iconic you see these designs in dozens of movies and their influence in future performances. The second is more family-friendly but still one of the most charming and fairly accurate portrayals is the 1999 Xiyouji animation, I would say far more younger people's first piece of media and without a doubt the best Xiyouji animation series thus far personally. That last I would suggest is 2011 Xiyouji series which is one of the more newer shows and I would say I would that if you want more modern effects and humor than this might be a preferance to the 1986 version. They both have their own charm but just depends on what you are looking for!

Now while these are the most accurate there are some Xiyouji media I would still recommend even if they take far more liberties.

This without a doubt being the 1996 tv series. This is portrayed as more of a drama but between the characters and the pure HEART AND LOVE that is in this show that you will be falling in love with the characters. It vaguely follows the Xiyouji monster of the weak formula but taking far more time to humanize each enemy and having our main cast overcome not only physical obstacles but also their own emotional obstacles as well. Fantastic show. Another is Chinese Odessey (please note this is a two part movie)! This does NOT follow the journey at all instead more of an introspective of the character Wukong. This is more of comedy but this is a cult classic as one of the first romance films with Wukong to show him as more of a complex hero which was a deviation from how he was portrayed in media for years as this point. This movie is silly but it is actually very heartfelt and makes you feel for these characters's plights. If you don't know Xiyouji I would say you will be confused, but you can fall in love with these characters anyway! Whil I can't suggest Dragon Ball I can suggest another Son Goku from My Son Goku! This is a Japanese production but the animation is so fluid and the characters are not only charming but there are some heart reaching scenes in this very cute art style! I would say give this a watch if you enjoy anime but also can appreciate angst even in a cute style.

If you are looking for more just great Xiyouji movies that you can pop in and a fantastic one is the 2015 Hero is Back! This was the Wukong come back animation-wise since 1999 and a lot of people first Wukong in the big screens! Does take liberties story wise as we don't see Sha Wujing or any of the journey really, but the HEART and soul of Sun Wukong is there. Another great one is just watching the first and classic 1961 Havoc in Heaven! This was the staple of Wukong iconics for decades and even now you see this Wukong in commercials! This is just a beautiful art style and without a doubt charming and feel good vibes. This one is surprising but actually Nezha Reborn where Sun Wukong actually makes a cameo appearance, but I hear so many people got into Xiyouji just cause how much they love him. So while it's not Xiyouji I would say give it a watch if you are a die hard Sun Wukong fan.

There is also Monkey King Reborn which while less known I still think is wonderfully popular and shows both great animation and also how all three characters of Wukong, Bajie, and Wujing interact in a movie. There is also Monkey King 2 which I know that usually I would say which the first movie but honestly the second movie is my personal fav. You don't miss much without watching the first as the second starts right at the begging of the journey and we are introduced to some of the best designs for these characters in my opinion. This last one is kinda of a hit-or-miss but Conquering the Demon! This one follows Sanzang as a demon hunter in a loosely based story of him finding his disciples, each more monstrous than the last in a dark-comedy! If you enjoy Stephen Chow films then you know what kind of humor you are going to get but it is new take on Xiyouji films in a unique but still entertaining manner! They really make you feel for Sanzang as a character and one of the best humanizations of him really as a man still learning about the world himself.

There some other that are great but I would suggest more on a second watch or if you know the story more! Saiyuki / The Great Alakazam was the first eng dub saiyuki piece of media that came to the USA and still had a lasting influence with the beloved character Rinrin! There is also Monkey King 2009 that only looks at the story BEFORE the journey, adding so many elements to Wukong's childhood and his relationship with the Six Eared Macaque. I would also suggest the Monkey King Netflix Movie as while it is fast-paced it really makes you understand how dangerous but also how complex Sun Wukong is. I think it was a charming movie so give it a watch!. Last is Immortal Demon Slayer! This movie was based on a web novel that was extremely popular in the early 2000s which was based off Chinese Odessey funny enough! This is a movie I would suggest if you know Xiyouji already but it such a tragedy I have to share if you love angst.

If anyone wants to share their what was their first Xiyouji or their favorite Xioyuji please let me know!

[mochatune]

I really love your characterization, I feel like you're really true to the source material whenever possible ❤ you're good at making cute moments without sugarcoating the unpleasant parts of characters!

I'm curious.. how would Peter/YB react to the reader confronting him about not actually loving them? Reader having been very accepting of him and having a sort of revelation when his Perfect Boyfriend facade slips. (I mean he'd absolutely just cut his losses and go full murder mode but I think it'd be interesting if he actually had any level of introspection.)

If the goal was to flatter me then it worked, like shit, what a beautiful compliment 😂❤️ I got you rn. There is a lot of ways to interpret this hc so I’m hoping what is written is what you were asking for.

——

- Peter had a lot of red flags you’d had looked past. He was perfect and went above the bar when it came to past men who had entered your life. He remembered your birthday, the anniversaries, even those cheesy days like national hug day and he spared no expense into making it special for you even when there was nothing to celebrate.

- this was honestly a big part in why you were so accommodating when he was less than savory to be around, you yourself are surprised with how much of a pushover you were in the past. Guess it shows just how low the bar is for you.

- things eventually just started connecting as you got to know him. The possessiveness being a big part, it felt like ever since getting to know him your social life sort of…. changed. It suddenly felt like there was less time for the other people you cared about, even your family wasn’t spared when it came to him. Everyone was a challenge for him.

- neither of you really ever really established a relationship, you always thought you two were just really close friends I mean … sure there were some moments where it felt like something more but it wasn’t something you were barely even beginning to consider after past relationships left you feeling drained. You were okay with this sort of situationship for the the time being you just hadn’t noticed how much he had really wanted.

- He was always the guy there for you to talk shit with when you were frustrated or the shoulder to cry on, he was practically your best friend ever since Lucy had passed. You still blamed yourself for everything despite no consecutive reports on the case for months now but hey atleast you had someone to help you grieve and move past the tragedy that had happened at that diner. He was always there for you, he said it himself and had done more then enough to prove it through his actions towards you.

- one day he just changed. It’s like the guy you’ve been building trust with for almost half a year now just turned around and showed you a side he’d been forcing himself to hide from you.

- suddenly seeing those eyes that made you feel like prey, it was weird and quite frankly you didn’t like it. You didn’t like how he was treating you like a piece of meat, like any other guy would. It felt like you were beginning to see him for who he was.

- all a guy had done was catcall you, it wasn’t anything. You ignored it and kept it pushing like you always do but he just couldn’t let it go.

- he didn’t do anything, not while you were watching anyways but you saw that change in demeanor. He’s done it before though it was always a flash of an emotion you could not name, it always intimidated you but never for long as he was back to his same old lovable self.

- he sort of just dumps everything on you, everything he’d been keeping in all those nights working up the nerve at the mere thought of embracing you as more than just a friend. All those times you had cried to him but not because of him, it infuriated him that the relationship he’d been making up in his head since practically forever with you was nothing more than a mere delusion he’d created to cope with never actually being with you. That was going to change. Tonight.

- he knew, he just knew you wanted to be with him as much as he did with you so when you told him you were put off by his behavior and that you did not feel for him even a fraction of what he felt for you, hearing that “you wanted some time away from him” threw him through a loop. Not a pretty one either.

- those eyes again, the ones he has flashed at the man earlier. The ones that had you feeling helpless. A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

- it was like a gust of wind when he grabbed you with all his might, a meaty vein pulsing trough his forearm and the eyes of a killer gaping into your soul. A screaming fit paired with it, words along the lines of “why can’t you just accept that you love me” the words of a delusional freak that you know in your bones you should have never even given a single benefit of the doubt. That all this time that gut feeling in back of your mind was true all along.

- you’re in so much distress that it’s all a blur. The over-exertion of your muscles trying to fight back against the agonizing grip of a grown man paired with the ringing in your head from the screams, the wet on your face from the spittle of the man screaming intensely in your face. There’s a thud and suddenly everything is just black.

- you find yourself with a pounding headache and foggy vision bound against a soft surface, most likely a mattress. You try to move but you find your wrist cold from a handcuff keeping you fastened against the bed post. Everything from last night comes back and you’re reliving everything, a panic attack hits you before you calm down again having hope that there may be a way out of this.

- your captor, the person you thought you’d see comes walking in with a slight hop in his step. Almost as if last night never even happened, he has a tray of food. You aren’t sure what it is but you know you want no part in it immediately readying your voice to try and talk your way out of this predicament.

- there’s a stool by the bed your bound to, he sits on it and puts the tray on the bedside table right by your head.

- he tells you good morning in a sickly sweet voice you wish you’d never hear, almost as sickening as the deep purple bruise left on your arm after the mere grip put on you last night.

- you don’t offer a kind response back (who would let’s be honest) but it doesn’t seem like he minds. That flips a switch when the next words fly out of your mouth, almost as if you didn’t even think about who you were talking to before you spoke.

- nasty words continuously come out of your mouth begging him to let you go all the while barking like a chihuahua as if you were trying to hit a nerve. Who could take anyone seriously while they were tied down though?

- he laughs it off, this is why he loves you so much. You have a quality that can’t be copied, your spirit is so pure to him. He can’t help but communicate how much he loves you with a breathy voice and an ethereal stare.

- you’re next words were your biggest mistake, the ones that sealed your fate. You just couldn’t say you loved him back.

- his reaction, it’s not as bad as last night but still terrifying nevertheless. He understands it’s a process in a relationship but to spout such nonsense is enough to rile him up all over again.

- he’s more than offended at being told that he doesn’t really love you and only like the idea of you, you’re more than that to him. You’re essence, the mere presence of you is enough to blow him away. He huffs it away with a smirk, you don’t mean that.

- you’re too weak to fight the cloth clogging your airways, the all to familiar blackness coming back into the corner of your eyes slowly drowning your vision in it as your brain goes numb.

- begging to leave it just won’t work, he knows you really love him and that you want to stay here. You just need time and he’s more than willing to take care of anyone else who seems to think they knows what’s best for you and him.

- just like he did with Lucy.

- overall the guy is fucking delusional, say goodbye to the possibility of him having even a single moment of clarity when it comes to you.

[stoopid-turtle]

made-up thoughts about dd's thoughts

Hi there! I warned y'all that I might post more and I've been watching SDC so I wanted to compile my massive load of DD thoughts. Apparently, I think about dd a lot.

I've struggle with how to organize these thoughts because they're so scattered and there are just a whole bunch of them. So I decided to center them around moments I think about a lot. Not necessarily fun dd moments, though some of them are fun. But just...moments that I feel tell me a lot about dd.

As a disclaimer, I'm making up a bunch of nonsense about dd as a person, but I don't actually know him and you shouldn't take anything I say seriously. I'm very likely to be wrong about most of it. In fact, if dd somehow managed to read this humble post, he would probably roll his eyes. And you know what? It would be an honor for him to have done so.

There'll be a few posts. There are three others in drafts right now, though I may combine two of them. We'll see. But I'm starting out with this one just because it was done first.

I'm at around ep 8 of SDC4, and I think the only way to watch subtitled versions of SDC5 are by downloading an app that Google won't let me download because of region restrictions (and then paying a subscription fee). Needless to say, I probably won't be able to watch SDC5 anytime soon. :(

(those episodes are sooooo looonnngggg)

There's an episode in SDC4 when the captains have picked 4 leaders to start off their teams. They put together a rehearsal battle to show the other contestants the captain's style and help make decisions during the next recruitment segment.

DD picks 4 top dancers as his leaders. These are fantastic dancers, specifically battle dancers. And they do horribly in the rehearsal battle because they're not used to dancing routine, there are no choreographers so while their performance was highly technical, it wasn't really entertaining or meaningful, and the team itself just didn't cohere because these are all people who specialize in battling alone.

DD has a little meltdown while his team loses, and it's kinda uncomfortable to watch. He says in a debrief with his team afterward that he's one of those people that likes winning (which, yeah, duh, DD).

I think a lot about DD's initial strategy. It seems straightforward. Get the best dancers. Have the best team. Work hard. Win.

DD's not a deep thinker. I don't mean he's stupid, because he's actually pretty smart and quick to pick up on things. But he just doesn't see the need to introspect or dwell on things. He strikes me as the type of person who might go through some difficult event and come out the other side wanting to just move on because, "It's in the past. Why bother thinking about it?"

(I think he is getting more introspective as he gets older, as evidenced with his performance of Like the Sunshine. I think that's typical as one ages though)

I'm also struck by the feedback he gives as a captain. He usually makes pretty detailed comments about the technical aspects of the dance, and sometimes, with the more thematic pieces, he'll just outline the story of it. He's pretty literal and straightforward in his thinking.

In any case, dd stands out among the captains for his emphasis on winning. The captains of the other teams cultivate a family atmosphere and often make an effort to emphasize having fun over winning (dd emphasizes fun...as long as his team is winning). The other captains will break down in tears when they have to eliminate dancers, and they'll give nothing but praise to the dancers.

DD is the prototypical "not here to make friends" competitor (though he does actually make friends). One of the most common comments dd gets from dancers or judges is that he works really hard and is a perfectionist with his technical performance. (As a fangirl, I love hearing other people remark on how impressive dd is. I'm all like, "Damn right, that's my bb!"). Dd has high expectations of himself and of the dancers in his team, and he'll criticize the dancers if he feels they fell short.

It's not mean-spirited but it is blunt and is something that the other captains don't do. DD will point out mistakes and be outspoken when he's disappointed with a performance. He also doesn't cry when he has to eliminate someone. He obviously doesn't like doing it, and I do think his style of doing it quickly without the anxiety of drawing it out is kinder. But it also fits in with his decisive, direct way of doing things.

I think about this all in connection with the bts of gg saying he prefers men without makeup. DD gets incredibly defensive, misconstruing what gg's saying as a slight against idols. It's a funny bts, because gg's clearly trying to pay dd a compliment, but dd doesn't even realize this because he's so caught up in defensiveness.

But the defensiveness tells us that dd's felt belittled and looked down on for his idol background, I think especially in some of his hobbies and other activities. Professional dancing, motorcycling racing, skateboarding. His being an idol has made people not take him seriously (I think that's what happened at the beginning of SDC3 when dd got the fewest towels of all the captains from the start).

I think that can be frustrating because dd's initial interest as a teen boy was dancing. I don't know all the decision-making that went into him going off to get trained by Yuehua as an idol, but doing so ironically made it harder for him to get respect from the professional dancers that he admires.

That's why dd works so damn hard, often to the point of overwork. He's demanding of his team just as he's demanding of himself. This is a guy who puts himself into the hospital with how much he works (and then forgets about it afterward). He's wearing himself out in trying to prove himself, and I'm glad that he recently actually took a day off when he was sick. GG's a good influence.

This all takes us to another DD moment, one that is more fun to watch, and that is dd's whole thing with the waacker, Xiao Bao. During a battle, Xiao Bao touches the back of dd's head, and dd immediately stands up and grabs Xiao Bao, keeping a hold of him even as he tries to dance away. Then there's some minor waacking and, um, lip-licking from dd.

When asked at hotpot, dd explains that he was trying to get Xiao Bao to run out his time by keeping a hold of him so he couldn't dance. By touching him, Xiao Bao had challenged dd and dd responded according to street dance rules. DD seems confused by others' confusion because it's self-explanatory to him.

It is just...so very dd to be so single-minded about a thing that he doesn't even realize how incredibly gay it looked. Just, immensely fantastically gay. (I'll get back to this in another post, but I'm focusing elsewhere here)

Honestly, he's sometimes come across as being on the spectrum, though that may well be me overidentifying with some traits. But he has his special interests and while he may be generally quiet, he will start happily rambling if asked about motorbikes or legos or skateboarding (or if plopped down next to gg). He's incredibly fidgety and has a weird thing with stroking tassels.

I know people on the spectrum are more often associated with sensitivity to lights and noise, but there is variation in that. Some folks tend towards the opposite and end up being thrill-seekers.

Some of his mannerisms and social interactions ping me as spectrum-y. During the "JC's fake butt" bts conversation with the rest of the cast, gg characterizes dd as the type to bluntly go up to JC and ask him about the fake butt. He's probably not wrong.

In the bts, dd also has several moments of not being properly romantic by gg's standards or of being a little mean to gg and then apologizing later. This may be more of a young man thing than a spectrum thing, though. IME, guys that age are more prone to that sort of thoughtless behavior than guys who are older.

In any case, dd's reputation as aloof is surface-deep, as seen when he's comfortable with people. He's able to joke and play around with others once he warms up to them. I know gg is often seen as uniquely able to soften dd up, and I do think dd is distinctly more affectionate/playful with gg. But it's a difference in degrees. DD also seems comfortable with the other DDU hosts, with his UNIQ brothers, sometimes with the other SDC captains (though not as often), with certain dancers (like Bouboo and Yang Kai).

Heck, Yang Kai even lampshades this in SDC S4. The captains are recruiting their team members and they send gifts to the dancers to woo them. Even though Yang Kai is a definite joiner on dd's team, dd sends him a framed photo of the two of them from Yang Kai's win the previous season. He also gifts Yang Kai a charm for his newborn son. Yang Kai is touched and he comments that he wouldn't expect these gifts from dd because dd just doesn't express his emotions like this usually. (I wonder if dd had some help in choosing the gifts, because all his gifts are incredibly thoughtful in a very uncharacteristic way (sorry, dd))

So, yeah, I have so many thoughts about how dd shows him feelings. I'm not super-attached to the autism spectrum thing, so don't take it too seriously. Hell, don't take any of this seriously. I've never met the guy. I'm just wildly extrapolating from translated glimpses of him.

[bite-the-bloody-hand]

6 SONG SOUNDTRACK (Part 1 - DISCO FUNK)

@chaosteddybear tagged me in the following game and the autism won. I decided to make an extra challenge for myself: a themed playlist with 1 'outsider' or anachronistic track that still fits the overall vibe. We begin... with Disco Funk.

PREPARE YOUR BUTTS

Rules: If you're tagged, make a new post with links to music and/or lyrics describing the following: 1. An event that defines your character's past 2. How your character sees themselves 3. How others view them 4. Their closest relationship (platonic or romantic) 5. A major fight scene 6. End Credits song

Spotify Youtube Music

1. AFRO CUBAN BAND* - Something's Gotta Give -

Dreams have done their share of dying love cries out but no one hears - oh, Something Something's got to give We can't, We can't go on like this

Is it a little on the nose? Sure. But a midnight revelation that he simply couldn't continue his life as it was going put Zell on the road to discovering his own path. He aches for the hurting, broken world he was brought into; he may not have the answer for fixing things, but he has to try something. Even if he's unsure of himself, even if he's convinced of his own fragility, he can fake strength if he can get out. He can't do anything while locked away in a Hellknight compound in Lepistadt, so he goes. And so it goes...

2. ARTIE SHAW - Nightmare - (Instrumental)

The problem with having an unclear sense of purpose and underdeveloped, poor self-esteem is that it can lead one down a path of introspection that keeps one in a spiral. Zell is an outsider when he isn't a rebel, never fitting with any authority and rarely synchronizing with any group; uncomfortable in his own body even when he's done everything he can to feel like himself. He desperately wants to solve the conundrum of connection - even when he's successful he has doubts that haunt him, especially in the lonely hours in the night.

(It's called Depression but they haven't invented therapy in Golarion yet)

Why this is the Anachronistic Outsider - Zell himself is a man out of time... even he doesn't know how old he is or how long he spent in Areelu Vorlesh's "care."

3. DEODATO - Also Sprach Zarathustra (instrumental)

I'm being a little bit of a shit with this; historically the misinterpretation of Nietzsche's Zarathustra have been that the title character is a teacher of doctrine/great leader/himself the 'Übermensch' he urges humanity to become. The actions of someone who wishes not to speak to the masses but instead live his own life of contemplation - and if he ever leads, to do it by example - often get twisted into fanatic parasocialization... if that isn't the life of the Knight Commander I don't know what is. Plus, this is just a bop.

4. EVELYN "CHAMPAGNE" KING - Shame

Ooh-ooh, it's a, oh-oh, it's a shame (Shame) oh-oh, it's a (Shame) mama** just don't understand Oh, how I love my man (shame) It's a, oh, it's a (shame)

Falling for someone when you already don't like yourself a whole lot can be hard, but it's much harder when nobody else likes the someone you love. Sometimes you just have to whip around and be assertive: the real shame would be abandoning what you have. Especially when it's this good.

5. C.J. & CO - Devil's Gun***

Get a new direction Well, well, well another resurrection Well now don't wait hesitate Or it's gonna be too late Flames are getting higher Got to jump out of the fire

I felt this fit as a big combat piece for Azata path especially; deeply anti-authoritarian theme about bringing together the community and avoiding the Devil (literal, figurative, and so on) and rebuilding? Yes please.

6. FRANCO MICALIZZI - Stridulum Theme (Instrumental)****

I wanted to close us out with something that felt a little magical and strange; this is a longtime favorite that really fit the bill.

TAGGING~ @Rlainarin @thedosianexplorer @arendaes I'm pretty sure two of you have already been tagged so feel no obligation, naturally.

*Had to transcribe the lyrics here myself so I'm not 100% sure I got them on the mark. Frustratingly I think this group only did one other track, which was the b-side for Something's Gotta Give. Real bummer, I love what I've found.

**Mama in this context is 100% Irabeth. She does NOT approve of this obviously farcical union. She's watching Arendae like a HAWK .

***YES, OF COURSE I played this during the Mephistopheles fight, who do you think I am?! TBH it was a real close call between this and Stayin' Alive but Devil's Gun won out for thematic reasons.

****I've had this track on Zell's playlist for a long time simply because I love the sound. It's the theme to a truly bizarre 70s Italian horror flick called The Visitor / Stridulum that's worth catching if you're curious. Free on youtube via the link.

[saphig-iawn]

Day 11 of Turning me into Me

So in light of yesterday's writing, I discovered a shop that I would never have expected to see in my town. An actual witch shop. I think the owner was out to lunch when I went so I couldn't look inside but I really hope to go in there soon. While I don't practice I've felt great comfort and support around women who practice witchcraft. There is a comfort and warmth those people emanate that I can't help but find myself drawn to them. They present this defiance and nonconformity that resonates with me. I'm not sure if I'd ever practice practice, but there are enough rituals in my life that I probably do but don't realise it. I must admit that getting a cat has made me feel more comfortable in my home so perhaps I am a witch. I'm going to try and see if I can catch them open tomorrow. A good witch needs a good dress after all.

As I was writing this I saw a wonderful post by @mechacringegirl that I reblogged that really resonated with me, so I think its worth me writing about when I knew I was trans.

So like @mechacringegirl wrote, I didn't always know I was trans. I feel that there's an overriding narrative that there needs to be this felt incongruence between yourself and your self, but that wasn't me. 2018 was the year I realised I was trans, in that I had a label for it. The word transgender existed to me but I had a whole knotted bramble mess of feelings that made that label unknowingly inapplicable (which I'll explain later). What cracked my egg was two separated moments. The first was a dream. I came out to my girlfriend and she was so happy and supportive and she even named me in the dream. The second was playing the game Endless Legend. I was happily minding my own business until I encounter a minor faction within the game, the Sisters of Mercy. Righteous warrior women who champion the trampled and oppressed. The image of their leaders and their warriors just struck me so hard in my chest. I felt my chest compress, my heart expand. I felt so overwhelmed that I cried. When I look back now, they embodied so much of femininity that I wanted. This moment made me realise that my dream wasn't a one-off. It took me 3 months to tell my girlfriend about it. I was so terrified of losing her, but she was so supportive but she laughed at her dream self for naming me Tiffany (if you ever meet me, you'll see I'm not really a Tiffany kinda girl).

From then to now has been an incredible journey of introspection and reflection. There is so much to talk about, but I want to focus on that big bramble knot. I've met a few lovely girlies on here and we've talked about this and found kinship and appreciation for one another so I feel it only right that I share these feelings in here in the hopes that it finds someone like me when I was trying to wrestle with these feelings. In short:

I was terrified that my feelings about myself and my gender were a fetish.

During my teens, I discovered that sneaking on feminine clothing made me feel different. Arousal was a part of it, but the overwhelming feeling was one of it being forbidden, or wrong (btw young Saphi, that was gender euphoria you were feeling too!). That lead me to discover very powerful NSFW content that had all manner of transformations. Genderbending, dollification, dronification, bimbofication, it was all there when I was discovering this, and I got sucked right in. Every piece of content I absorbed I always found myself wanting to be the subject of them. I wanted to be the hapless dude who became a pretty woman in a dress, or a guy who wronged a witch and got cursed to become a doll. If the outcome was a woman, I wanted it. But the feelings I was feeling were so much more than arousal, there was a deep yearning in my heart and I just thought that was me being horny for that content. So as 2018 approached, I would flit between feeling I was not cis and also feeling that I was just a crossdresser or a force-fem fetishist. From 2018 onwards, I would inflict deep hurt on myself by twisting genuine feelings of gender euphoria as a fetishisation. But some time a year or so ago, I encountered an incredible post from a transwoman who struggled like I did.

She talked of how she was infatuated with genderbending and transgender erotic content. She would get aroused wearing fem clothes, she would incorporate genderbending into her sexual life. But then after a while she had something click deep within her. She realised that the reason she was consuming so much of this content and envisioning herself as being a part of it was because in that world, someone else was making the decision to transition for her. If she was strolling down the street as a guy and a witch magically turned her into a woman then it wasn't her 'fault'. She was exonerated of the consequences of becoming a woman. She could rock up to work and be all "You'll NEVER guess what happened!" and it would all be fine. I was dumbfounded... it all made sense now. Why I wanted to be a turned into a doll in one bit of content, or forced to be a cute cheerleader in another, it was someone else making the decision for me.

Now, that kind of content appeals to me for what it is, which is all about power dynamics and such. Ever since then, I have never doubted my transness, and it has helped me embrace the sexual nature of my new self with not even a pinch of shame.

[animehouse-moe]

The Ancient Magus' Bride Season 2 Episode 15: Needs Must When The Devil Drives I.

Perhaps a slower episode than usual in the front half, this one dives head first into our two caregiver pairings of Elias-Chise, and Alcyone-Philomela. It's really great to see how they approach each and how they interact with one another, so I have a lot to talk about.

Let's start off with Elias! I love his character progression in this episode once more. Just the subtle things like how he says to "reach out to him if anything happens". While he does justify it by the fact that humans are frail to him, the sentiment of Elias attempting to care about another person is absolutely there.

Even better is Simeon's comment about music. Elias shows interest in it, and then extrapolates it to relate it to Chise, and not in just a simple manner. It has him pondering the question "what does Chise like? What was she like before me?". It's an outstanding development for two reasons.

Firstly, it shows Elias' ability to look inwards in retrospect and apply the ideas that other people supply him with to other friends or people close to him. Secondly, during that introspection, it's not just "I wonder what kind of music Chise likes", rather, he uses the initial idea to further expand on Chise as a person, rather than something that comes to mind as an association. It's really really great stuff that shows how Elias is growing and developing as a person.

Similarly, but also somehow different, we get Alcyone in this really great sequence.

I really like the direction through this sequence because it accentuates Alcyone's purpose. Other people do exist, such as Philomela's parents, but all that Alcyone sees is Philomela herself. Is it because of her purpose as an artificial fairy, or is it the beginnings of something greater, similar to Elias? Personally I feel like it's the latter, which I'll explain in just a bit.

First though, this scene of Alcyone looking at Philomela. It's just really pretty, and the depth of field is a nice touch to help viewers understand that Alcyone is only looking at Philomela.

Anyways, why do I think that Alcyone is more like Elias than unlike? Well, it's Elias himself in their conversation. He himself states that he can't stop answering Alcyone's questions, and I think the reasoning is obvious as we begin a two part parallel. Elias sees a version of himself in Alcyone. I think it's a great idea to explore that comparison, especially because the two are currently isolated from the outside world.

And then there's the whole Philomela and Chise piece, which was great. Here though, they explicitly state (or I guess show?) that Chise sees herself in Philomela despite their differences, and that a lot of it is about finding a way to save her past self by helping Philomela. It's very interesting, and ties directly into Chise's struggle with selfishness in a way that might not directly present as that.

And then there's the whole Rian-Isaac breakdown which is really great. We could see glimpses of the tension here and there with Rian interacting with Philomela finally, but the breaking point was really well done. The idea of "two sides of the same coin" comes to mind with the pair, so I'm really excited to see what goes on now that Philomela has been properly added to the mix.

Though I should add, Rian's disposition towards Philomela is very interesting. It's childish, I would say. He's frustrated that the friend he once had is essentially no more, so he takes it out on the version of them that stands in front of him.

The latter half of this episode just brings a lot in terms of breakdowns as it prepares to build things up alongside the mystery of the book swirling around the college.

While the first half might be a touch dry, the second half is incredibly full and rich, sporting great sunset-dyed visuals and surprisingly solid character animation in some sequences.

The book might be the focus of this arc right now, but I'm nearly exclusively focused on the characters because they're just so damn well written.

[eldritchpluto]

Ghost Quartet Set Ideas

Ok, for context, I’ve been thinking about a set for Ghost Quartet for 3-4 years now . As much as I love the sparse staging of the original show, I’ve always been curious to see how the show could be translated to a different style of production! Also I’m a sucker for big complicated sets.

An important disclaimer. I’m not a set designer in ANY sense of the word, I’ve just been working in school/community theatre for the past 4 or 5 years as an ASM, an SM, or shift crew guy! I’m fully aware that most of this is very unrealistic or even impossible. I just wanna nerd out!

Alright, let’s do this.

Firstly, my idea staging would be a type of thrust stage. I think the original production (and many that came after it) saw how beneficial a more immersive staging would be. This is a very intimate story in many ways, so taking advantage of that is a great idea. However, I’m thinking of a slightly edited version because it works a bit better for my vision.

It would be similar to this above stage, but would have a much wider back part more close to the dimensions/sizing of a smaller proscenium stage!

Then, the set itself! The set would be largely situated in that back part of the stage, and would take the form of what looks almost like a dollhouse. (Again, probably not practical at all, just let me nerd out here)

The house would be a very typical “family home”, and I would want much of the style of furniture to match the vibe that other productions have captured. The photo below has what I’m looking for! (And this is from the London cast I believe? Idk if it was their real set or something just from this one video, but either way!)

The set being a house is very very central to a lot of the thematic ideas I want to go for with this staging! I’m not fully set on what rooms there will be, but the rooms/set pieces that are important to my “vision” are a staircase, a bedroom, an attic, a kitchen, and to hopefully have a piano of some sort in there. Otherwise, nothing is set in stone.

Lighting would be rigged in a way that would allow for the possibility for just any one room is fully lit at a time! But also the whole house could be lit as well. Also, with the returning idea of stars in this show, I’d love to have small LEDs on the back wall of each room, which could be controlled to light up as stars, even in rooms that are currently dark!

Ok, with the basic set idea out of the way, let’s focus on WHY I want it to be staged like this. Firstly, it’s obvious one of the main themes of this show is family, or just in general, deep connections. On top of that, all of these stories and people are connected in some way! So, having it set up like this would help emphasize how all of these stories, no matter how big or small, are a part of each other. One of the main ideas is having each storyline based in only one or two rooms, allowing them to still feel separate, and to create a visual distinction for each storyline.

Now for the REALLY fun part!! Talking about how I would stage this. I’m not going to go through every single song (although I do have thoughts for all of them), but I’ll focus on the big ones!

All of the songs that take place “out of” the story (I mean not fully, but you know what I mean) are outside or the house. These would be located on the thrust part of this stage. Firstly, this is to frame our quartet as our storytellers, and kind of our framing device into this all. They’re a more introspective group, so they are outside of it a bit. On top of that, it gives them more chance to directly connect to the audience. Songs with this would be “I Don’t Know”, “Any Kind of Dead Person”, “Four Friends”, “Prayer”, and “Wind and the Rain”!

The songs involving the astronomer will take place in the attic. He’s always looking up at the stars, and is using the high vantage point to see it all. Also this is a bit of a stretch, but having him here makes sense because he’s kind of “hanging over” the story. During songs like “The Telescope” and “The Astronomer” the LEDs would be on in the other rooms to simulate the stars.

I think the Usher storyline would take place in two side by side bedrooms? Maybe just to help separate the stuff with Lady Usher/Roxy compared to stuff with the younger cast of Family Meeting. I also just have some ideas for some specific blocking that could utilize two side by side rooms!

Here’s where it gets fun! I very badly want “Starchild” to take place in a stairwell. Here, Starchild is in the house, it should be connected to everything else. But, despite being so close, she can’t enter any rooms. She’s stuck. A part of the house, but never one that any sort of family spends time in. Also because I’d love to have family pictures in the stairwell, which starchild can look at, but it’s only reminding them of the family they’re separated from.

Subway!! I see the subway storyline as our “connecting piece” of the show. It’s directly referenced in the other storylines very often, and it’s very much a turning point for Rose’s character. So, instead of having Subway be concentrated in specific rooms, I think each “archtype” in that storyline gets their own room. And as they’re mentioned in the song, the light of the room they’re in flashes. I have a very very specific mental image I’m having a hard time describing, but it’s there!

I want solider and rose to take place in the kitchen, and the kitchen has kind of a bar stool situation? Just fits the vibe. Also because I’d love to have the honey just come from a kitchen cabinet, that’s oddly funny to me.

My ideas are the least developed for the tango dancer storyline, but I’d love for the room it takes place in (likely a living room) to have a piano!

My ideas are similarly murky with the camera shop, I’ll figure it out :(

Ok!! Time for my favorite staging which is, of course, “Hero”. This is the point where Rose is reflecting on everything and sees the entirety of her lives. I think this song would start on the outside of the dollhouse, but as it goes on, she begins walking through the house. Before, during specific storylines, characters wouldn’t leave their designated rooms. But now, Rose walks through it all, finally seeing the whole picture. She can also interact with props from other storylines!! I would want this moment to be really big, and for it to shatter a lot of the norms set by the staging thus far.

Ok, I’ll stop my ramble there for now!! I understand this is super unrealistic, but I wanted to say my ideas anyway! I love this show more than anything, and I’d do anything to work on a production someday. I would just love for the set to also lend itself to the major thematic ideas, because I think it could be used in a way to strengthen the show.

If you’ve gotten this far, thanks for listening to my ramblings!! Feel free to send me any ideas if you have them, or if you have any questions/clarifications! I’d love to talk about this :D

[gwynbleiddyn]

Kerros Rook asks!! 2, 14, 15, and 27!! :D

from fifty questions for Rook!

2. How did Rook get the nickname? What do they think of it?

hehe slightly answered in this little snippet

in short, Kerros was a familiar omen of trouble around Skyhold, particularly for those who liked to leave their things lying around unattended. he had sticky fingers as a kid - entirely a trait inherited from his grandfather, Rion would insist - and usually ended up with pockets full of other people's trinkets, which would be duly returned to their rightful owners by a very tired Warden-Inquisitor arriving late to another war table meeting.

it's not that Kerros had particular favourites in Skyhold, but Varric was the worst for leaving things out - rings, quills, mechanical cogs and pieces presumably from previous iterations of Bianca - all shiny, all intriguing, and all found their way to Kerros' pockets sooner or later. Varric cottoned on quickly, and it became something of a game where Varric would leave things in places that were progressively harder to find, and eventually, Kerros would return with the prize. they had to dial it back once Cullen spotted Kerros scaling the scaffolding inside the tower, and Varric wound up granting the nickname of Rook - not because rooks are known as particularly prolific thieves (they aren't, at least not as much as magpies) but because they're resourceful little bastards, and Kerros never failed anything he set his mind to.

Varric hopes that continues to be the case now.

14. What does Rook see when they look in the mirror?

a handsome little devil

no, really, Kerros isn't very introspective - at least, not yet. in the grand scheme of things he's a young man with the world at his feet because his father put it there, like a coat to save him from the muck and the mire. his scars are few and his doubts even less. the mirror has not warped his face yet, and he sees nothing other than what he is: rogueish, charming, and laden with Rivaini gold.

and yet, "you have your father's eyes" is an echo somewhere in the glass, like a trapped moth in a lantern. illuminated, but at what cost? Kerros doesn't see Rion's failures for what they are yet, so that echo is simply a doubt that has not come to pass. whether or not it will remains to be seen, depending on how Veilguard ends imo. i like leaving it up to the story, especially given how tied up it is in Rion's past choices.

15. What’s the first thing people notice when Rook enters a room?

he's hardly a withering wallflower, and i think he makes a point of standing out as his own person in a subconscious effort to distance himself from Rion's legacy.

in particular, Kerros paints his face, his neck, his hands -- anything visible, shaping it to his liking. plain hands suddenly become pieces of art, adorned with golden rings, and people have to look at them to notice the lovely dagger in his grasp, held out like a pointed offer. similarly, a red-painted neck makes people double-take, is that blood? no, just paint, but now they're looking at his face, and he's talking, and oh, he's actually quite charming.

he just wants you to look at him, to take notice. the paint works well for that. he'll let you make your own mind up about him, but first, you must look.

27. When was the last time they cried?

like two days ago, probably, about something completely inane like he thought too hard about nugs and how ugly-cute they are. crying is just a normal expression of feeling for him tbh he's not emotionally stunted and he has big feelings about a lot of things all the time, he's just very good at juggling that with his image when he needs to -- because he's learned from some very compartmentalized people in his life.

[silverfoxstole]

Paul McGann: The latest twist in his tale

He's spent his career thinking on his feet, so it made sense to improvise his latest role, he tells James Mottram

Published: 20 October 2006 in The Independent

Every autumn, Paul McGann is given an annual reminder of his greatest role. Living in a university town like Bristol, "you can set your calendar by it," he says. "The new student intake has just come in, and they've drunk their first grant cheque and seen Withnail and I... and I know when they've seen it. They usually holler across the street." While Richard E Grant's flamboyant drunk Withnail was the character blessed with the lion's share of memorable quotes, McGann's more introspective "I" still had his moments. He grins at a recent reminder. "The other day, some kid had chalked on the pavement outside my house, 'Perfumed Ponce', with an arrow pointing to my front door!"

Now 46, it's refreshing to see McGann is not precious about the fact that his finest hour has just been commemorated this month with a 20th anniversary DVD. "It's actually very satisfying," he admits. "I can safely say, 'If I'd never done another movie, it would've been all right.'" Still handsome, with his Byronic brown curls, there's a sense of genuine gratitude in his soft Scouse accent. The son of a factory worker and a nursery school teacher, perhaps it's in the knowledge that a working-class childhood in Liverpool does not always lead to such a grand career as acting. The Catholic-raised McGann knows he's been fortunate: accepted into Rada, he got his big break in 1982 alongside his three brothers - Joe, Mark and Stephen - in the West End rock'n'roll musical Yakkety Yak.

"We all wanted to be movie stars," he recalls of his youthful days. "When I was a kid, about 11 or 12, we used to try and bunk into local cinemas to see X movies. Who doesn't do that at that age? This would've been 1972. Maybe an older kid would buy a ticket, then go and open the fire door and we'd watch this film until we were all thrown out. You'd see some hammy old thing, but now and again you'd see a great film - like Klute or Five Easy Pieces. I remember watching Jack Nicholson, maybe not understanding what he's up to but thinking I'd love to do that. He was engaging, charismatic - I was rapt!"

McGann was never going to be the next Nicholson, even if winning the lead in Alan Bleasdale's 1986 BBC drama The Monocled Mutineer boosted his profile. Unlike Grant, he never really made it in Hollywood. "What do they say? It's better to regret the things you have done than the things you haven't," he notes. When he did get cast in major productions, he spent most of his time on the cutting room floor. Almost entirely excised from Steven Spielberg's Empire of the Sun, he saw his part for David Fincher's Alien3 truncated to an almost unintelligible degree and then he was unfortunate enough to appear in Queen of the Damned, the ill-fated follow-up to Interview with a Vampire. "Careers are what they are," he shrugs. "They don't make any sense at all when you look back. We're not in charge of them."

Fate certainly seems to have had a hand in McGann's CV. A knee injury in 1994 forced him to cede the lead in ITV's Sharpe to Sean Bean. Two years later came his one-off turn as Doctor Who, following on from Sylvester McCoy in a US pilot that was set to resurrect the series but ultimately never picked up because the ratings weren't high enough. "We made a pilot that didn't work," he says. "And it didn't work because it wasn't good enough." But given the success of the current revamped show, does he have regrets that he's likely to be remembered - in his own words - as the "George Lazenby of Doctor Who"? "It's impossible to regret. It could've been very different. I would've been there for five or six years... and I'd have earned a shit-load of dough. Life wouldn't have been the same but it didn't happen."

If there's a suspicion that McGann is not ruthless enough to play the Hollywood game, not least because Withnail and I anointed him with a cuddly image, he has set about changing that with his latest film, Gypo. An entirely improvised piece about immigration, he plays Paul, a racist father-of-three living in Margate. Trapped in a loveless marriage, Paul is the vilest character of McGann's career, beginning the film by violently objecting to his daughter bringing home a classmate who, it emerges, is a Romany Czech refugee. "I had to be prepared for him to be irredeemable," says McGann. "He is unremittingly miserable."

Fed on a diet of tabloids and Talk Sport, McGann says his character belongs with the "huge majority of these little Englanders with their easy assumptions. At one point, he talks about Africa being a big county - that's about the level of him." He adds that he didn't want to make him like some "Alf Garnett cartoon" and he doesn't - though he confesses to the fact that director Jan Dunn only came to the set with "broad notions" for the scenes. The rest was up to him. "There wasn't a script to discuss," he says. "That brought me out in a rash, to be honest. That was one of the reasons I thought I had to do this. I couldn't think of any proper, intelligent excuse to turn this kind of challenge down."

Telling the same basic story from three separate perspectives, Gypo is officially the first British film to be registered as a Dogme movie. Given that this manifesto, devised by the Danish director Lars von Trier to purify the film-making process by using only original locations, natural light and so on, is over a decade old, it might seem rather after the fact. McGann nods. "I entered it with a mixture of open-mindedness and healthy cynicism. I mean, they're having us on aren't they? Some of that stuff... c'mon! The more dubious claims for the process about truth and nebulous ideas about authenticity. I mean, what's that about? Films are artifice. We're telling stories on film. At the same time, when it works, there is a real tough immediacy and spontaneity to it, and a punch."

Both frank and funny, McGann is the perfect pub-mate - not least because he is so self-deprecating. Noting that his short-lived time playing Doctor Who has nevertheless given him a place in the show's pantheon, he recalls meeting legendary Time Lord Tom Baker. "We were in opposite voice over studios," he says. "This guy in the sound studio told me he was in, so I went and met him. He didn't have a clue who I was! I found it rather refreshing. He was very charming. He just thought I was some kid off the street. So I thought, 'Let's just leave it at that.'"

Yet as chummy as McGann is, it's doubtful if he'd ever fully open up - at least in interview. Dubbing himself "a miserable bastard at the best of times", laying bare his soul is unlikely to make him happy. Of his brothers, he says, "We get on OK. We get on fine." The last time he worked with them was in 1995's Irish famine saga The Hanging Gale, which the quartet conceived themselves. "The biggest obstacle is getting us all together," he grunts, when asked if he'd consider working with them again. He's better on his sons: 17-year-old Joseph is musically gifted, "one of those swines that can play any instrument", while 15-year-old Jake "has been making funny noises" about following his father into acting.

Such reticence can be easily traced back to the mid-1990s, when McGann had his one uncomfortable brush with the limelight. Caught in the street kissing Catherine Zeta-Jones, his co-star from period piece Catherine the Great, by a photographer, it caused a minor scandal and the press descended upon him and his family. While Joseph and Jake "were really spooked by it" - to the point that they now hate having their photograph taken - McGann admits the gossip "rattled" his relationship with his wife Annie, a former assistant stage manager turned interior designer. "I felt like a kid who was being bullied," reflects McGann.

Since Gypo, McGann has done what he's always done, and worked steadily. He recently completed the lead in Poppies, a film about a playwright who becomes obsessed with the fact his grandfather and two great uncles were killed in the Battle of the Somme that will receive its premiere in November at the Imperial War Museum. And he is currently filming a short produced by Zoë Ball entitled Always Crashing In The Same Car, reuniting with Grant for the first time since Withnail and I. "It's good when we're together," says McGann. "We're still mates. Our kids know each other. Very occasionally we're together in the same place - and then it's difficult to pay for a drink. I like that."

'Gypo' opens today

[xbittersweetnightshadex]

Now Entering a New Era

❝There exists an abandoned post from the beginning of this year – one that lamented on a great deal of things I have experienced in this life, that mourned the way the world once was and acknowledged the robotic wasteland we reluctantly occupy today. It was authentic and raw, but my resilience would hardly let me work on the piece for more than a few moments at a time without returning to the projects I’d promised myself I’d complete before the year is through. And while the aforementioned topics are still worth talking about, I would like to save them for another time and another post and, instead, take a moment to celebrate some of the successes that have come from that resilience. But first, a little history.

Where to begin… I started running my own show quite a long time ago, driven by a passion for creation I’ve had my entire life. During college, while wrestling with a lot of health issues and processing a lot of trauma, I started offering freelance art and design services online. It went as well as it can in a saturated market. To supplement, I found a passion in fragrance – candles, soaps, incense, oils – which overlapped just the right amount with my pre-existing passion for the metaphysical. That went even more well than freelance had, and before I knew it, I was making a little extra from my two favorite hobbies that I could put on top of my income from the job I was working at the time. I had thought about it then, going all-in on it, making it official. But then there was more trauma that seemed to hit back-to-back. A broken heart. Death. Abuse. Abandonment. A stalker. A pandemic. More death. And that’s just scratching the surface, but on top of it all, our entire social sphere shifted. Beauty was scrubbed from existence in favor of profit and function. Algorithms changed in favor of corporations. All that great stuff.

My progress came to a complete halt. My social media and websites stopped receiving traffic. No traffic meant no gigs, no sales. Many of the people I knew had become completely unrecognizable. I fell off the radar. I alienated myself. I found a new job, one I hated that I had hoped would bring me the acceptance from my loved ones that it ultimately did not. Still, I did it – the life thing everyone expects you to do. I worked hard, like I always had, despite what some people in my life may have you think. I have always worked hard at everything in my life, because my life had always been hard. It still often is. I aged prematurely only to find out that adults are a made-up concept that give children a sense of comfort that someone has it figured out when no one really does. I’ve made my mistakes, too, but it’s learning from them that makes you more “adult”, I guess. Not everyone does that.

Then in this robotic cycle of working, cooking, cleaning, existing, as I felt the last of my authenticity slipping away like sand praying for better friction during high tide, I stopped and asked why it had to be the way it is. What happened? Where had everything good gone? More importantly, can we get it back? Truthfully, I still don’t fully know the answer to all of those questions, but I know it starts like everything else does: Slowly, at first (then later, if you’re lucky, all at once). I also know it won’t change at all if we do nothing and keep pretending that this is normal, fulfilling, and how things have always been. A topic for another time.

Anyway, I kept working – because that’s what you do, I’m told – but I also started working on a couple of other things. I started trying to pick myself back up again, trying to be social again, trying to reignite the spark inside me that had gone out. It’s been a lot more work than the proverbial “work” we’re encouraged to do, but this year, after a lot of introspection, something seems to have switched back on within me. I’ve stopped caring as much about what other people think, because I can see what other people’s thoughts have done for the world we live in right now. I’ve started moving things around, taking a lot of risks I otherwise wouldn’t have, and as of now, I am officially the owner of my own business.

And actually, one of things I wanted to ask today was for the help of friends, family, and strangers who would like to help me offset some the start-up costs. Licenses and legal fees, initial inventory and manufacturing needs, marketing and advertisement, packaging and samples, and much more that I’m sure I am not thinking about at the moment. My goal is at least $5,000 to put into my business account to cover anything that isn’t made up in sales and subscriptions by the end of this year. If you’d like to contribute in any amount, you can do so here.

It’s extremely appreciated, but not required, and not really the point of this update. The point is to celebrate where I am today. I’m not where I want to be quite yet, but I’m somewhere meaningful. Just yesterday, I finished a big project for my YouTube channels. I’m in the process of writing three books. I’m working on new artwork for my websites, for prints in my art shop, for an oracle deck I’d like to publish. This year, I learned the basics of Greek and front-end development and WordPress. I learned how to belly dance, how to do splits. I’ve made so many things – art, literature, beautiful but functional designs. I’m learning how to do handstands and accounting and painting with acrylic gouache. I’m still struggling with time management, but I’m getting there. I’m going out more. I’m doing my best to live life at a time when doing so is difficult for just about everyone. And it may not be as exciting as getting accepted into Harvard or as comfortable as a desk job, but it’s fulfilling and it’s fun and it matters because it clears the path for a different direction for the world than the direction it is going right now.

Life is hard. This current cultural climate is harder. I don’t plan to make it more difficult on myself. I plan to change the world for the better – alone, if I have to. I’ve always had unattainable utopian visions for this place. As of now, I’m acting on them. Come my next update post, I’ll have a lot more to share – a new and revised checklist, as well. Until then, lots of love and all that jazz.❞

🖤 This post is also available on my blog. 🖤

[nightmaretist]

TIMING: August 20 PARTIES: Marcus @thenavysealkie & Inge @nightmaretist LOCATION: Short & Stout Brewery SUMMARY: Inge sits down across from Marcus. They end up staring at a piece of abstract art, and interpret it in their own, personal ways. They chat for a while after moments of introspection. CONTENT WARNINGS: Child death

The Short & Stout brewery had soon become a favored space of Inge, who liked a place where she could sip a fair few beers but didn’t like coming across her students while doing so. It was sweet, anyway, to come here after a walk in the woods. She’d collected a fair few bits and bobs, to file away in her collection of naturalistic bits and bobs — it would be of use in a future piece, one that only existed in her mind for now.

With a Pepper Up Stout in her hands, hiking boots still on her feet, she moved through the brewery before letting her gaze fall on a piece of art above a little nook. There was already someone sitting there, but Ingeborg had never let that stop her. She looked at the painting for a moment. Mixed media, that she liked. “That must be new,” she said, pointing at it with her glass. A small bit of beer fell on the table. “Oops! Sorry, let me get that —” Placing her glass down and sliding in the boot, her eyes trailed to the painting once more before she got a tissue to wipe the liquid up. 

She balled the spoiled paper up and pushed it to the side of the table. “I just need a closer look to that piece of work, if that’s okay. If you mind the company, just say so.” Inge looked up again. “What do you think of it?” 

Despite his more affluent upbringing, Marcus didn’t really know much about fine art. He and his father were much more focused on studying sports and war history, and didn’t take a lot of time to appreciate much else. Still his mother loved it, and he now found himself regretting not studying a subject that he could have connected with his mother on. As he leaned back in his chair and sipped on his drink, it was the same one he had been sipping on for the past 40 minutes, he studied the painting above where he sat and tried to understand where people found the deeper beauty. 

It doesn’t even look like anything, it’s like somebody just slapped a bunch of colors on a canvas and called it a day. I could do that, Marcus thought to himself. His thoughts were soon interrupted, however, as he heard a woman’s voice behind him talking about the piece. He saw the woman spill a small amount of her drink on the table, some of it splashing onto his arm. 

The woman then decided to sit down right next to him, which wasn’t unwelcome. He definitely appreciated the company. However, she soon asked him what his thoughts on the piece of art were, and she definitely seemed to appreciate it more than he did. Now, he could have had an honest conversation and tell her it just looked like random globs of paint, but didn’t think that would get him far. Besides, having an intellectual conversation about the piece might just teach him a thing or two. 

Marcus swirled his drink thoughtfully before saying “I find their color choice and line work to be… pedestrian.” He did his best to emulate his mother and her rich friends when they went on their art tours. “How about you?” 

It would be a source of shame for Inge, if her art ever came to hang in a place like this. Not that there was anything wrong with the bar itself, but there was something about your pieces being bought just to be looked at by people intending to get drunk. No, she preferred to sell to more fine dining places, if she had to. Besides, one of her pieces would look absolutely out of place here.

Still, that didn’t mean she couldn’t enjoy some of the art that arrived in more mundane places. And this was a nice piece, truly. Abstract, but clever in a way. Even from where she sat she could see the different techniques, not just the acrylic paint but the other materials used. Was that some rotan? Her eyes narrowed. It had potential, Inge thought. Like a bored housewife had made it who could do so much more — but maybe she was just projecting now.

“Pedestrian?” Her gaze redirected to the stranger and she took a large sip of her drink, mulling over that assessment. “Gotta politely disagree with you there. It’s easy to glance at, sure, not the most complicated — but it’s hardly pedestrian. Accessible art is great, you know? This is abstract in a way where people can get into it. Plenty of ways to interpret, and, if you ask me, excellent use of color.”

Swing and a miss Marcus thought to himself. At least he gave it a try. Maybe he hadn’t made a complete ass of himself? Judging by her reaction it didn’t seem like a completely uninformed take, just one that she disagreed with. He figured it shouldn’t be hard to recover. Still, she definitely seemed to know what she was talking about. 

“Oh of course. It’s very… colorful. I like how the brush strokes really cover the canvas. I suppose you’re right, accessibility is always a good thing, right?” Marcus looked more closely at the piece. The colors definitely seemed to represent something but what? Was there meant to be a clear answer? Was that the point, that there was no point? Or that there were multiple points?

Marcus didn’t really know how to interpret the piece. Not wanting to put his foot in his mouth again, he asked “and what’s your interpretation of it?”

The best thing about art was its subjectivity. There was no such thing as bad art (though there was such a thing as bad artists, Inge thought) at the end of the day, even if a person might dislike a piece greatly. Some of her work had been met with lukewarm reviews, but there had always been at least one person who had gotten enjoyment out of it. Disagreeing with a stranger on a piece of art in a bar was fun.

She gave a nod of the head, “Certainly. And that’s not to say that there is art out there that’s meant for more intermediary or expert art observers, but still! A Rothko here would be out of place.” 

He asked for her opinion and her gaze moved from the canvas to him. “I see a mother and her daughter, perhaps faintly. It’s such an easy concept to interpret in a multitude of ways, you know? But there, the larger and then —” Her finger moved to another blob of paint, “The smaller. The rest could be whatever. I’m not sure yet.” Inge looked at him. She had no idea what the artist’s intention had been and didn’t care for now. “What about you?” 

Marcus, predictably, had no idea what a Rothko was. An artist? Some sort of alien species? Then she gave her own interpretation. A mother and her child. While he could certainly kind of see what she was talking about after pointing out the different sized blots of paint, it seemed like a stretch. Still, the woman next to him certainly seemed to derive more meaning from the piece than he did. And he had to admit, seeing it from her perspective definitely allowed him to actually make some sense of the piece. 

Figuring he couldn’t steal her answer, he decided to come up with an interpretation on the spot. He always considered himself a more literal person, so interpretation of abstract thought and design weren’t exactly his forte. He swore they should use these pieces to replace Rorschach tests, because of all of the different answers people could give you. He analyzed the piece very carefully, looking for something. 

He suddenly remembered tagging along with his mother to art galas when he was a young boy, trying to distract himself as she talked to her snobbish friends about one technique or another. Still, he did remember what was discussed, and could use a thing or two from those discussions. It also helped that he took an art appreciation class in high school, which could give him a few more tools to interpret with. He got a C in that class, but still, good enough.

“The different sized blots of ink could also represent growth. One person, but at different points of their life. The interesting thing to try to figure out is, which way are they growing? Positively or negatively? The light colors towards the top of the canvas can represent happiness, but is the subject growing towards or away from the light?” 

Once he started, he just sort of kept going. He had decided on an interpretation and his brain just sort of ran with it the rest of the way. And the best part was he didn’t pull any of it out of his ass, he was speaking genuinely about it. He was impressed with himself, and he turned to face the woman next to him hoping that he had impressed her as well.

Interpreting art was something Inge could do for an incredible amount of time. Sometimes she’d use the astral plane to her advantage, making her way to galleries in the larger cities of the continent to stare at the art and make them fit her own vision. There was no error to be had with interpretation. Sure, the academic world would say there was such a thing, but she found it all rather elitist. Art was for the viewer. 

And even when people spoke complete bullshit, it was still somewhat thought through. That was why it nice that there was no plate next to this artwork: there was no title to go off, no artist’s name to Google for context. Here it was, this singular piece. Not the best she’d ever seen, but intriguing. Of course Inge saw a mother and a child, because she saw mothers with children everywhere except in the mirror. In the mirror was only the mother, childless.

Without the other knowing it or her, she’d given him a piece of her soul by offering his interpretation. So she could only hope the answer he’d give her was as truthful as hers had been. “Interesting, I like that. The lightness could apply on my interpretation too, if you don’t mind. Maybe the child is moving forward, further than the parent.” 

Inge took a long sip of her drink after that statement. “Whether it’s growing towards it or not is all up to you,” she said. Art was also freedom. Maybe she’d paint again, when coming home. “Or maybe it’s teaching us that there is no use in putting value on growth. All growth can be good and bad? Hm. Makes you think.”

He almost couldn’t believe it. Here was Marcus having an intellectual conversation with a complete stranger over what certain flecks of paint on a canvas meant. Although he had to admit that he found himself to be very engaged in the conversation. Maybe he had an interest in this sort of thing after all. His interpretation really just sort of blurted out, he barely even thought of the words before he spoke them. Perhaps it was him projecting his own experiences and emotions onto what he saw on the canvas. He figured that probably lent credence to his suggestion of using modern art as Rorschach tests.  

He thought of her interpretation of the child moving beyond the parent, and thought of his own mother and father. He was finally able to get in contact with them, assured by William that the brass presumed him to be dead and were no longer making efforts to find him. Not that Marcus trusted what he had to say, but figured he wouldn’t risk coming to Marcus and boldly making his presence known if he felt there was a risk he’d get caught up in some military manhunt. They were relieved to have the confirmation that he was alive and well, but never really had their doubts. 

“My son drowning at sea?”, his mother said. “Honestly I had to fight to keep a sad expression on my face when they came to our door to say that.”

“What were you thinking?! I thought we told you not to be so careless, that pelt is your lifeline! And you let somebody steal it?” His father was not quite as warm about the situation. 

They expressed sympathy for his situation and relief that he was, relatively speaking, okay. He missed home, and once again he saw himself projecting himself onto the canvas. The child grows beyond the parent. Here he was, brave new world. Uncharted waters. Still unsure, is this growth more good than it is bad? Or is it an even split?  

He looked at the woman next to him again. 

“I definitely know what you mean. Life isn’t a perfect black and white. It’s a collection of grays. Who’s to say the light is even a good thing?”

She kept thinking about the mother and child herself, thinking of little Vera in her then-mortal arms. Inge’s world had been so limited back then, in that house she shared with Hendrik — her center of the universe had been nothing but that bundle of joy. And she had loved her, deeply, and she had worried for her, deeply.

Vera had come from her (and Hendrik, but he mattered so little to her, that brutish and horrible man) and had made a life on this world that was her own. Inge knew she hadn’t been the best mother, that there had been a distance forced between herself and her daughter because of her own selfishness, because of her transformation into something more-than-human. Like the shapes, they stopped standing together at some point. Vera had left and Inge had not begged her to stay, and somehow it had made things better between them.

Because when Vera had gone her own way in the world, attending university and bursting with ambition. From a distance, her daughter had been so admirable and beautiful. From a distance, Inge could at least see that Vera would have a better time than she had in her twenties, even if she would one day outgrow her.

Perhaps that’s what the stranger was getting at. Maybe Inge was the smaller shape, infinitely young whereas her daughter’s body grew older than her own ever got to be. Sometimes, the child outgrew the mother. 

She downed her drink, raised a hand to order another round, “You want one, too?” She didn’t often get filled with remorse or grief, but it hit her now. Inge reshifted her focus on the words the other had spoken, nodding. “We need both. That’s the truth in art as well as life. No use in things being good or light when there’s no bad or darkness.” She extended her hand, “I enjoyed this. My name is Inge.”

Marcus could see the woman in front of him was deep in thought. Maybe this was starting to take on a personal meaning for her too, just as it had for Marcus. Maybe she was thinking of her own parents, and her relationship with them. He hoped that that relationship wasn’t strained in any way. 

“Yes please, I’d love another round.” Usually Marcus didn’t drink much when he went out, but tonight he decided to have a few more than usual. 

He shook the woman’s hand, “Marcus” he replied back. “Very nice to meet you, I’m definitely enjoying this conversation too. It’s crazy what you can take away from just some shapes on a canvas. I think I might’ve misjudged it a little at first.”

He found himself curious about the woman next to him. He knew what his personal connection to the piece was, but what was hers? 

“So, what’s your story, Inge?”

After ordering both of them another round, she returned her focus to the stranger in front of her. His face soon gained a name and she smiled. “Marcus. Nice to meet you.” Funny, that he admitted that he’d misjudged the painting. Inge was glad to have pushed his mind a little, and found herself attributing it all completely to herself.

Her fingers splayed on the table, awaiting another drink and nodding. “Exactly! People are so quick to disregard abstract art, and though there can certainly be pretty shit pieces out there, it does challenge you more to look further than a renaissance painting. Which are interesting to analyze too, but leave less room for personal interpretation, hm?” 

He asked for her story and she wondered what he wished to know. Of course, there was no chance of her actually telling a stranger of her past – delving in the twisted youth in a post-war country, admitting that she was actually nearly eighty rather than a sprightly thirty-something – but still. “My story, hm? Tonight, I’m just here for a drink. Besides that … I teach art, I make art and I’m a bit of a traveler. What about you?”

Ah, so that would explain how she knew so much about art and interpretation. She was a teacher after all, she must have studied the subject extensively. Suddenly Marcus felt much less…uncultured. 

“I’d love to see your work some time. I’m a bit of a traveler myself, kinda have to be when you’re in the Navy. I’ve been all over but never really got to enjoy many of the places I’ve stopped at. I’ll tell you the Persian Gulf is beautiful, and probably a lot nicer when people aren’t trying to drop bombs on top of you.” He chuckled a bit, trying to throw some humor into a confession he admitted was pretty dark. 

He couldn’t help but notice that there was still a bit of mystery. For tonight, just here for a drink. I guess he could say the same for himself. He decided not to press his new acquaintance for any further details. He had learned that if somebody doesn’t talk about something readily, it’s for good reason. 

“Nowadays, I do maintenance at the lighthouse, keep an eye out for any stranded ships or drowning swimmers. Figure I should put my good swimming ability to good use.”

“Who knows, maybe you will be able to soon. There’s always two pieces of mine on the campus, though,” she said, not saying out loud that she was in talks with MuertArte, as it would certainly count as jinxing it if she were to say she was in talks with them. Inge smiled, still, “I’m more of a sculptor myself, though. Less abstract, too.”

Ah, the navy. A little disappointing, she thought, and not just because the navy tended to work on the sea which Inge despised due to its high salt levels. “Ah, I tend to avoid locations where people drop bombs on me personally. Not joining the navy has been very useful in that goal thus far.” She chuckled. 

When she was about to ask if he was in the navy now – and if so, why the hell he was in Wicked’s Rest – he revealed himself to work at the lighthouse. “Ah, so no more bombs, hm? Just all the other weird stuff this town has to offer.” 

She took a long sip of her drink. “Are you not too high up to rescue any drowning swimmers, though? What happens when you’re up there and someone starts screaming for help? Do you run down all those stairs? Or … slide like a fireman?”

Marcus was pleased the woman next to him joked back with him. He always used humor to make light of his experiences at war, and some people found that to be in poor taste. It always felt like they were trying to be offended on his behalf even though he was the one who made the joke in the first place. 

“Not joining in the first place is good advice, where were you 12 years ago?” Marcus said, gesturing towards Inge with his glass. 

She had a point about his ability to rescue drowning swimmers. A normal person wouldn’t be able to dive from those heights and swim efficiently enough to rescue someone drowning. It would be far more likely that they’d end up drowning along with the victim.

“We had a pretty firm ‘no man left behind’ policy on my ship.” Except for when it came to his own overboard occurrence of course, although their lack of investigation was to his benefit. “If somebody went overboard, every man on that ship was trained to dive down from a great height safely and retrieve their comrade from the water. A lot of the coastline around Wicked’s Rest is much less forgiving than the smooth surface of a ship, but I make do. I actually went to the state finals in high school for high diving!” Surprisingly, he hadn’t won. He made it to the final round but his father encouraged him to tone things down a little so as not to appear too good. As a result, he took home second place, which he was still pleased with, but always had a hint of bitterness over not getting to enjoy his championship. 

“Do you get many students?” he asked her, changing the subject

Where was she twelve years ago? Drowning her sorrows in other people’s nightmares. Sick with grief in Europe. Wishing she was human for the first time in decades just so she could sleep for a while, close her eyes and drift off. But that was hardly a suitable answer. To explain that she’d had an adult daughter who had died then — well, it was a little too much baring of the soul. Revealing, too. Inge didn’t look like someone who’d had a child in her thirties.

“Italy. I was an artist-in-residence in the north, it was quite lovely.” Not an entire lie. She’d been going by a different name then, her art had been ugly in its rage. Grief bended and collapsed time, sure, but so did immortality. Inge took a long sip from her drink. Fuck this question. “A lot colder than you might expect.” 

She was glad he went on about diving from large heights, the distraction it offered from her own past (which was often romanticized and thought of highly, with some exception like now). “Ah, sure — but a lighthouse, is that not much higher than the largest diving board? I’m not sure, I haven’t gone swimming in quite some time.” She missed swimming in the sea. The few memories she had of the ocean as a mortal (going to the coast with Hendrik and Vera for a week during summer, getting sunburned and salty) were vague, and yet she longed. Shit, she was getting nostalgic. “That’s cool, though. What’s the highest you’ve ever dived from?”

Inge nodded. “A fair few. I don’t just teach sculpting, and a lot of them like to take an art class even if it’s not their major. Seems we all need some art, hm? What'd you go to college for?”

Marcus wasn’t really expecting her to answer where she was 12 years ago, he meant the question rhetorically. Still, traveling around northern Italy couldn’t have been easy, even with all of the charm that came along with it. 

“Well, if you’re going to practice your artistic skills, I’m sure the home of the renaissance is the best place to be!” He had never toured over there personally, he never had a reason to. But he had been along the mediterranean once and could agree that the view was breathtaking. 

“You can dive from surprisingly high with the right technique. You can see videos online of people jumping off of high rocky cliffs taller than the one the lighthouses sit on, you just have to land properly. Also, I do climb down a bit to the ground before jumping, that cuts down on height a lot.  I’d say the highest would be from a cliff face back home, also one that was home to a lighthouse. That must have been 150 feet up. I ended up so deep underwater, I thought for sure I’d drown.” Marcus added, trying to come across as if he actually could drown. 

“I started college going for my BA in History, but ended up with a DO instead. Meaning, I dropped out.” Marcus clarified awkwardly. It was a sore spot for him, as his parents wanted the college route to work for him. He could still feel the sting of their disappointment when he told them. They were afraid when he chose to join the navy instead, fearing for his life and the secrecy of his own identity as well as that of his family. 

“Ah well,” Marcus said after a pause. “College isn’t for everybody, right? I still did okay for myself. It sounds like we both did.” And with that Marcus tilted his glass towards Inge’s, signaling an impromptu toast to both of their relative success.

Something, unbeknownst to her, had gotten lost in translation. Inge didn’t think herself prone to such things, however, and thus she didn’t think further than to consider the other’s question strange and forward. That it caused her to do some bitter reflection was on him, too, she found.

“Certainly, though I’m not fully sure if it’s the most inspiring place I’ve ever been,” she said, and it was said a little smugly. Being well-traveled was something Inge was glad for, even proud of. Italy had been where one of her favorite exhibitions had been, when her work had represented Switzerland. That had been twenty years ago, though, when life had been different. It was pre-Vera, rather than post, which was how all of life was separated. Everything was pre- or post a death. Her own, Sanne’s, Vera’s. They were the pillars of her existence.

She nodded at the explanation, “Sure, but isn’t there rocks under a lighthouse, right? Isn’t there a large chance you fall onto those rather than into the waves?” It would be thrilling to dive from such a high place, Inge thought. Maybe she should seek more exhilaration through human adrenaline-chasing ways. Not by jumping into the ocean, though. “ A hundred and fifty feet, holy Jesus!”  She let out a laugh. “That’s impressive. Must’ve taken a while to come back up.” 

He was right, of course: college wasn’t for everybody. Inge found the confines of academia stifling at times, even as a professor. She wasn’t intending to return to teaching when she’d inevitably ditch this town and find something else to do. “ It sure isn’t. We rely on those pieces of paper too much.”  She had learned most of her skills through other means, anyway, even if going to university back in the day had been freeing. She lifted her glass, tilted it towards him, “It seems we did. Cheers to that.” 

Marcus had grown to enjoy the conversation, but felt the night was getting late. 

“I agree. Some papers with our names on them and some fancy titles or letters next to our name don’t define our worth.”

He found the statement a bit hypocritical of him to say. After all, isn’t a soldier’s value tied to badges and ranks? Was the hierarchy there any different than in the drudgery of academia? Maybe they had experience in more similar fronts than he had initially thought. The top brass of the military could share many similarities to a university’s administration or board. 

Marcus raised his glass and met his new friend’s toast. 

“Cheers. To happiness, success, and new friends. Interesting how a piece can get people talking and bring them together, isn’t it? I guess that’s part of the beauty.”

She nodded in agreement, “Exactly,” she said, placing her glass back on the table. “Art is a great equalizer, even if people want to act all high and mighty about it.” Inge thought about her current job and how annoyingly elitist academia could be. She’d trade it for something else soon enough.

She took a long sip from her drink, finishing the glass and letting the empty vessel rest against the wood of the table. “It was nice to meet you …” She waited to receive his name, and then extended her hand to make the introduction official. “I’m Inge.” 

The hour was getting late, though — at least it was for the non-nocturnal humanoids, and with drinks finished, it seemed the meeting was coming to a natural close all the same. With names and even more personal things exchanged, though, Inge was genuine when she told the other, “Thank you for your company tonight. I’ll see you around.”

[kvetchinglyneurotic]

Answer the questions and tag five fanfiction authors you know!

Tagged by the amazing @asteria-argo

1. How many fandoms have you written in?

One! Or two if you count original fiction as a fandom. Or three if you also count the couple of sentences of Black Sails fic that I'll hopefully get around to expanding into a full fic at some point.

2. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

I started writing The Hedgehog's Dilemma on August 2, 2023, so about 9 months. Before that, I exclusively wrote original fic from ages 8 to 22.

3. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

Read, because reading is fast and writing is slow.

4. What is one way you've improved as a writer?

For a long time, I had a terrible case of writer over-complication syndrome, a thing I made up just now: every story I planned somehow ended up with 5+ different story lines which were at best loosely connected and each had their own cast of characters and sometimes world-building. As in, I once put "character goes to space and turns into a demigod(?)" and "ethics of dealing with a slow-acting zombie plague where people gradually transform in to zombies over the course of ~10 years" in the same story, then got overwhelmed and never wrote it. I still have a bit of this tendency, but I've gotten much better at axing plotlines that don't need to be there in the planning stage.

5. What's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

I don't know how weird it is, but I did spent more time than was probably reasonable trying to figure out what type of houseplant Higgins had in his box of office supplies in 2x02. I also found out that there are multiple record-breaking balls of twine in the US (largest ball of sisal twine by a community; largest ball of sisal twine by one person; heaviest ball of twine; largest ball of nylon twine) and figured out the route Ted and Beard could have taken on a road trip to see all of them.

6. What's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

I love the long, detailed type with quotes and literary analysis, but I also love the ones that are clearly just someone's instinctive reaction to the chapter, like the person who commented "oh no" on chapter 5 of THD.

7. What's the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

I don't know if anyone's noticed, but I love writing time loop/other time travel stories, and I honestly think it comes from my background studying history. One of the main ideas in history is of contigency: that events aren't the product of a single cause but rather of the confluence of many other events interacting in a specific way. Time travel in general and time loops in specific, where the characters restart each time with a clean slate, let me play around with the cause and effect in stories in a way that I really enjoy.

8. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

I struggle a bit with fluffy, slice of life-type stories where everyone's mostly happy and everything's basically going well, which is why Flightless Birds is actually the fic that gave me the most trouble.

9. What is the easiest type?

Occasionally I'll write these short, introspective, sort of stream of consciousness fics where it's a bit ambiguous what's going on and the narrator's usually having some degree of a bad time — think All I Have (And a Little More) or Ephemera.

10. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

I'm currently shopping around for new writing platforms in anticipation of losing access to the university's Word license after I graduate. I'll probably go with LibreOffice since it's free and works decently well.

11. What is something you've been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

Basically any Black Sails canon divergence fic because of how many moving pieces there are in the plot. I floated the hypothetical on here a while ago of what would go differently if season 1 Flint magically got end of season 4 Flint's memories because I'd love to write something with that premise but am daunted by figuring out an answer to that question.

12. What made you choose your username?

I am not good at naming things, so my ao3 username/username for main, the-sea-anemone, was basically me being like "what's a cool animal? Sea anemones, I guess? Username acquired." kvetchinglyneurotic comes from the fact that I initially created this side blog to complain about the ending to Jamie's arc with his dad, and also from the fact that I was in the hyperfixation stage where you think about the thing a solid 90% of the time while also being like. okay I do actually have other things to do so can we please focus on that instead.

I'm not sure who's been tagged yet so I'll go with @thirteenemeraldcats @jamietarttsnorthernattitude @sighonaraa @abubblingcandle

[garden-ghoul]

Okay here finally is the music meme @blotthis tagged me in. I don't know what Spotify likes are so I tried to approximate them by listening to a bunch of Bandcamp albums someone on cohost recced a while ago. I chose my favorite song from each album, in order I have them bookmarked. It's been a fun exercise in reshaping my mind to a diverse set of aesthetic paradigms so I can try to understand what each musician sees in their own music. That said. Some of these I'd be reccing anyway.

Points At Head from This Year I Lose My Mind by 2 Mello. Music that makes me wish I had more genre vocabulary. Energetic, funky, hiphoppy I guess?? Jazzy. Has kind of a C2C/Destroid vibe. We're grooving. I like this album.

Oh My God from Shabrang by Sevdaliza. Dark, breathy, synthy. Sevdaliza does fun stuff with autotune and other vocal mods as well as having a lot of great beats. Honestly I'd love to hear more of her unmodified voice in this track because she's a great vocalist. This is a good album if you want to get kind of chill and introspective and weird.

Owens from Little Robert Hutton by Curly Castro. One of the slower starts on a very maximalist album. Curly Castro is doing some fantastic collage here; I like how he plays with samples, clearly pulling from classic DJing on vinyl. I don't know enough about modern rap to compare the vocals to anything but Doomtree, RIP.

Withering Fire from Still as the Night, Cold as the Wind by Vital Spirit. Okay, I will confess I'm not enough of a metalhead to be able to distinguish any of these songs from each other. But as far as I can tell it's a good example of the genre, and if you need some big dramatic texturey noises this album is here for you.

Rock from Ez Minzoku by Foodman. I was having a hard time picking a song from this album, because a lot of it kind of sounds like someone mashing a midifighter loaded with the Earthbound soundfont. The album is hit or miss for me but as soon as I heard Rock I had to put it on this list. An exuberant electric guitar chiptune that's just weird enough for me.

The Mystery (Dilla's Still Here) from Beat Konducta Vol. 5-6 by Madlib. This album only has two songs you can listen to without buying it but on hearing this one I immediately started digging for his first album so I could listen to more of his music. More fun with samples; this is what I might call chillhop if I weren't so aware how boring most chillhop is. From Wikipedia's page on him, no-one's really sure how to categorize him because he's fusing so many genres.

The Great Mist Within from The Great Mist Within by Auriferous Flame. See I said I wasn't enough of a metalhead for Vital Spirit but actually I am a metalhead now. I really like Auriferous Flame's chords and I am gaining appreciation for the textural nature of black metal. I didn't make it all the way through any of these songs but I would if I were just leaving the album playing while I draw.

Son of Man from Rice Field Silently Riping in the Night by Reiko Kudo. I feel like this is one of the best tracks to show off how Kudo thinks about sound, with the different instruments kind of detuned from each other. This whole album is sort of like a distorted reflection of "normal music." Despite occasional loud honking noises it's pretty chill. I enjoyed the description of the recording process at the bottom of the page.

Dance Now from The Forever Story by JID. If you listen to one hiphop album this year, it should be this one. Every single track is a flawless gem with no missing pieces and nothing unnecessary, so the specific song I picked is just the first one I really started jamming out to. Very slick but not overproduced, fantastic beats, fantastic rhymes, wonderful vocals, great instrumentation. I can't coherently talk about the vibe of this album, just listen to it.

Cruise Control from 2000 by Joey Badass. As you may have noticed, I tend to be into chill wavey hiphop, which is why I chose this song off 2000. I really like the outro, it has a classic jazz piano thing going on. This is a hard album to review because I think I'd be more into it if I hadn't just listened to THE PERFECT ALBUM. Ah well. It's good.

[midnightcreator12]

Your “Lone Turtle and Hunter” story is rattling around in my brain again, and I am getting all sad about how Leo probably won’t get to meet any of the Clones that Chula fought with, as they are all probably dead or Order 66’d by now. The thing is, I feel like maybe some serious bonding could have happened, because the Clones were made exclusively to fight in a war, but so were Leo and his brothers!!!

If Leo got to interact with the Clones, it might force some interesting introspection about what his life might have been like if Splinter hadn’t thwarted Baron Draxum’s plans. What would the turtles have been like if they had been raised as soldiers? What would the Clones have been like if they weren’t? It might also raise some interesting comparisons between the Clones, who were mass produced, and the turtles, who were the first prototypes. If Draxum’s had held onto the turtles, would he have made more like them? Would they have been the template, or a rough first draft with MANY changes made to the next iteration (thus implying that they weren’t good enough)?

Just, I think if the Clones got to meet the turtles, there might be some recognition between them as manufactured life that was created solely to cause destruction. Given that the Clones probably won’t be around to do any of this, I wonder if Chula will start to have some of these thoughts if/when she finds out more about her Foundling’s origins?

I just really love your story! <3

Yeah, Leo is not going to meet the Clones anytime soon. But I agree that the Clones and the Turtles have quite a fair bit in common, in terms of their creation anyway.

If I DID have Leo meeting the Clones, then that definitely would have been brought up at some point. Like, Leo asks questions, of course, learns about why the clones were made and is like 'oh! me and my brothers were kinda supposed to be that too! But our dad kidnapped us so we ended up not doing that.' And that would probably mess with a few Clones a bit, with them being like, 'you can just...not be an instrument of war? even if that the whole reason you were born???'

I am gonna jot that down for the non-canon short stories I wanna write. So, not a full deep dive into that but a fun little story of 'what if Leo ended up in the Star Wars universe right after the Clone Wars started' kinda deal.

Chula kinda knows Leo was made with the intention of being a soldier (from bits and pieces of conversations the two have had) but she doesn't want to bring it up. Mostly because thinking about it makes her wonder if she should have just kidnapped Astra and the 244th and ran into Wild Space at the beginning of the war.

She see Leo, bright and happy and free to be himself and can't help but think 'I could have given that to my kids.' And she was already a bit mad at herself for not putting her foot down with Astra and saying 'Forget your duty to the Republic, they haven't done a thing for you. We're kidnapping the 244th and building a farm in Wild Space.' But she hates that she didn't even more when she sees how happy all the turtles are.

It solidifies her resolve to get her Clone kiddos away from the Republic once she gets home, and drag Astra away from it too, kicking and screaming if she has too!

.....I mean, we all know that's not happening, but Chula can have that little fantasy for now.

Anywho! Happy you like the story! And feel free to drop into my askbox anytime! Always happy to talk!