#and now i do struggle with reading books
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just learning there may be a chance I have dyslexia and just never knew
#growing up i had all of the dyslexia problens in the way of writing and spelling#(and a bit in pronunciation of words)#with pronunciation i would switch up the sounds in my head for example for remote i would end up saying merote#and when i was writing i would often randomly capitalize letters that way i could see them better (most D and B)#or i would capitalize ALL of the letters#i remember crying in kindergarten because i could only write my name in all capitals#i also remember my dad screaming at me because i wouldn't write in lowercase when i was supposed to#(he made me write out all of the lowercasr letter then write them in uppercase)#i still struggle with this a lot i even do it when I'm typing but it's most prevalent when I'm hand writing notes for school#i also have a hard time spelling things even if i know the word REALLY WELL it can be a word i write or type every day and i can still#stuggle with spelling it#but the thing is i never had any problems with reading things in my head (not out loud though that was hard)#in fact i had a 12th grade reading level when i was in 5th grade#which is why i never thought i was dyslexic since i had a friend who was dyslexic and had a very hard time reading#and many educators and people when they think of dyslexia they think or just not being good at reading#when that's not really the case#and now i do struggle with reading books#i often stare at book pages reading the same sentence over and over trying to comprehend it#i even do that with fan fic#and it's annoying#the only reason i read fan fic more is because it grabs my attention and it seems more worth it to struggle through than a boring book for#school that was written 100 years ago :/#anyways yeah. crazy shit abt me.#imagine if i have autism and ADHD and dylexia and dyscalculia#also i juat mixed up all of those fucking letters in adhd
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[now entering: the OPINION ZONE]
the way i feel about Booktok(tm), as a phenomenon, or maybe more as a weird miasma that is seeping through every bookstore i enter, is that we don't see eye to eye. i'm sure it's got a lot more variation and diversity than whatever weird takes bubble up to the surface for my tiktok-less self to stumble upon - mostly i just feel like my motivation for reading books is different than theirs. there is the occasional overlap in the Books I Enjoy / Big On Booktok venn diagram (which makes me feel very weird about those books but that's for me to sort out), but i cannot personally Trust a booktok recommendation, if that makes sense. either way, it's none of my business what other people like to read, and i think me and booktok can peacefully coexist in each our own spheres. (if all of this is completely incomprehensible to you i salute you and envy your peace of mind.)
anyway, a very fascinating discussion that keeps showing up recently is the phenomenon where popular booktok influencers admit to skipping paragraphs that are too long, or only reading the dialogue of a book, or performing shock at a printed book containing Too Many Words Per Page. what fascinates me is not so much that it is happening (though it DOES fascinate me), but how much people reacting to this struggle to explain exactly Why it's so aggravating.
like, i feel like the obvious takeaway is that these people are monetizing their alleged joy of reading, and then... don't? even like to read? that the consumerist aesthetic of Being A Reader is more profitable on a video platform than doing the due diligence of reviewing books properly? that the content machine marches on and if you're too slow you'll fall behind??
INSTEAD the discussion seems to center around the good old "oohh nooo people read BAD BOOKS instead of GOOD BOOKS and IT'S IMPORTANT TO CHALLENGE YOUR BRAINNN or else the MEDIA LITERACY....." and i'm sorry but i think this has been a moral panic for as long as we've had literature. media literacy has never had a golden age that i'm aware of. there's always been trashy romances that authors pump out on the monthly for easy consumption. capitalism is gonna value profit over quality for as long as it's in charge. people who read for fun are gonna read what they're gonna read, and they're gonna read it in the way they enjoy reading. i agree that reading Good Books is deeply fulfilling! but that is my personal and subjective experience that not everyone is going to share.
i think the reason i feel weird about the insistence that you Must, at least occasionally, Challenge Yourself while reading is that... i'm exhausted in my brain. too exhausted to challenge myself for fun. maybe it's a burnout thing. i really really get looking at a paragraph and finding it simply too much to absorb right now. my main method of getting through books these days is in audio format, even if i would personally prefer to read them visually (they'd stick to my brain better, i would see how names are spelled, sudden POV switches between paragraphs would be less confusing). but reading a book in text form is taking me weeks at best - unless it's a special kind of book that i can't help but devour immediately, sleep schedule be damned (which is another toll to pay). some books are just too complex and need too much focus for me to enjoy right now, so i keep having to goldilock my way to what feels Just Right. some books, i'm sure i'll get back to later. some i've made my peace with never picking up despite the fact that they feel Obligatory (my apologies to lord of the rings. i've Tried and i just can't do it). so like i GET IT. sometimes reading is too much.
what i Wish the discussion was more about, was instead finding ways to read that's enjoyable for you. there is literature and screen plays that are Only Dialogue. there's graphic novels. there's audiobooks and e-readers that let you change the font sizes. there's lots and lots and lots of fanfiction that's literally just banter and smut. there's no shame in reading what you enjoy! there's no shame in spending months on the same book! but i suppose it's not as ~Aesthetic~ as purchasing 10 editions of the same book series on amazon dot hell!!!!
#reading books in and of itself is not a moral virtue. it's just a thing u can do#thank you for journeying through the opinion zone with me. now leaving#also personally i can't even imagine skipping a paragraph in a fiction book and that's part of my exhaustion tbh#i remember telling a therapist how i struggle to move on to a next page unless i feel like i have sufficiently absorbed Every Single Word#and i keep getting stuck a lot because of it
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i miss having energy to do stuff
#uni stuff used to be so easy for me and now i can barely write#it takes me ages to do basic assignments#im procrastinating so much#im no motivated to draw at all#i can just do super simple doodles and i even struggle with those#and its not as fun anymore#and i cant read#i have 40 pages to finish this book im really enjoying and i just dont read#jeez#i can barely focus when i watch tv shows or movies#WHATEVER#going through a flop era or something#sorry this got personal#ah eto bleh#axel talks#ILL GET BETTER or something
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Headcanon that Legend’s ears are actually slightly longer than everyone else’s because of his rabbit form!
Ooooooo!!!
I like this idea. His nose wiggles too!
#pinky replies#anon heacanons#no recollection if I've used this before#nor do I think I'll remember to use it again#but I'm using it now#also my brain feel completely scattered right now#thank you for your patience when it comes to me answering asks#I've been struggling to find motivation for anything other than reading my new books
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looking through my goodreads and the last 5 star book was from september 2023 ol-<
#(it was still life with bones by alexa hagerty btw..... man that was so good. why can't we do that again.)#i did read a couple of good books that i gave 4 stars to last year but also there's just an ocean of 1 and 2 stars....#but why i ended up here was that last book i finished made me feel. weird#because it crammed its fingers into so many of my squicks all at once#and i was like. okay. maybe i want to read something life affirming now#but then i was struggling to remember if i've ever liked any of these cozy types of books#and the answer is no!!!#book chatter tag
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idek why but this is Peak Romance(TM)
#the ending of Emma! is so warm and so funny#and so good#every emotional beat is so true#I also love the part where Emma learns that Harriet is engaged and she’s so overflowing with happiness#because one of her two obstacles to happiness has been removed#(And she’s working on the other obstacle her dad)#and it says she has to move around and talk to herself and laugh before she can be around anyone again#and I just—-aksjsjjsjdjdjdjd#I love it SO much. I have experienced that before!!!#just times where the overflow of happiness makes you so giddy and almost foolish you have to be alone#ALSO. I’ve been reflecting because years ago I read a piece of literary criticism that said that Emma never learns or changes#she’s Sad and forced to face the consequences of her Actions for like one afternoon#and then everything she wants to happen happens#and she gets to sort of just dance away with a sparkle in her eye#and the criticism was like ‘good for her but this is not a journey of change or growth’#and I’ve always been haunted by it because there is something true about it? Emma is still Emma is still Emma#and also because when I teach it I sort of have to be like ‘Emma has changed! and feels bad about stuff!’ because that’s just kind of#how you have to do it with teenagers/and/or it’s what THEY say#and I can’t contradict them but it doesn’t feel exactly true either#and I don’t know. it’s sort of hitting me this time around that there is just a deepening of Emma’s sweetness#in the second half of the novel and that’s why it always feels so warm#like. with Lizzy the change is so big you can absolutely feel it! it’s undeniable and it rocks her entire (internal) world#Darcy’s letter forces a change in her worldview. in her views of her family and her sisters and Wickham and Jane and just everything#but the box hill scene isn’t that with Emma —but it does pierce through …. something#some kind of flippancy maybe? coldness? she IS more likable in the second half of the book#and yet she is no different. idk I’m struggling to name it exactly#maybe it is a kind of growing up. it never feels quite as simple or as obvious as ‘now she has learned and will never do it again’#I actually think Emma will do it again a LOT lol (the small joke about shipping Mrs. Weston’s daughters with her nephews that Austen makes)#but it’s like—-the lifeblood of her heart has started flowing differently—if that makes sense#she crosses a threshold on the drive home from Box Hill when she sits in the back of the carriage and cries silently
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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There's so much I want to write and so much I want to read, but I can't fully engage with much of anything right now and it's killing me😭
#so many fic ideas! i thought about a zuri x farah one with zuri doing her hair#and them talking about their experiences regarding their hair and how its perceived#i wrote my general thoughts down on it and it would be !!!#so interesting!!#(especially since things concerning race aren't really... there in game ig - and idk if i want it to be for a variety of reasons)#(but exploring it with them could be !!!!!!!)#i thought of a mini series of zuri and adam going on drives together as their relationship progresses#i also wanna write something with zuri and bobby after the events of book 3#with bobby seeking her out with more genuine intentions than he does in book 2 and contrasting the two#i wanna write a few scene rewrites just for just#and there are so many fics i wanna read! i've missed so many of them and they all seem so interesting and fun#but i am suffering💀#i'm in a different country for an extended period of time (for me at least) when i really didn't want to be#(travelling in general isn't really for me - not when my parents 'plan' it)#i'm struggling to sleep because it's not my bed and i am constantly aware that its not my bed#all my energy is going into being as okay as i can be while counting the days until i can go home#(and i know as soon as i'm on the plane i'm gonna feel like this wasn't so bad so i dislike that it still mostly feels like it is)#and i forgot to take the pill for days now so my period just started for the second time this month💀💀#make it stop PLEASE#this ended up being a more personal rant but like UAUSGSH#i just need it to be over#chichi.txt
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"i dont care if people who havent read the books get spoiled for the show" <- words of a person i now want to bite and yell at
#BE FUCKING NICE#A LOT OF THEM ARE CHILDREN??? THEY EITHER HAVENT GOTTEN AROUND TO READING THE BOOKS BECAUSE THEY DIDNT HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO YET#OR#ADDITIONALLY IT IS 2023. THE WORLD IS DIFFERENT AND MEDIA IS BEING ADAPTED FOR NEW GENERATIONS#TRY HOLDING SOME WONDER AND JOY IN YOUR HEART AND THINK ABOUT HOWW FUN IT IS TO EXPERIENCE A STORY FOR THE FIRST TIME#STOP SPOILING SHIT ON PURPOSE IT MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT CRIMES❤️#literally dont be a spiteful dick and stop ruining things for fun or because you want to gatekeep and have a superiority complex#fuck uou i would personally give ANYTHING to get to experience this story for the first time again#and watching people ruin in in real time for people experiencing it for the firdt time. i hate you#ypure all extremely selfish and shortsighted for doing this whole 'yeah but the books have been out for forever.. :/' bs#absolutely giving yourself away as a fucking clown with no ability to gain anything positive from shared joy. get well soon#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson#pjo show#percy jackson show#pjo tv show#eeanpost#ALSO THE FUCKING AUDACITY FOR THE FANBASE OF A BOOK SERIES ABOUT KIDS STRUGGLING WITH LEARNING DISABILITIES TO YELL AT PEOPLE FOR NOTREADING#DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YPURSELVES ???? WHAT THE FUCK??? THE STORY IS MORE ACCESSIBLE NOW. THAT IS A GOOD THING. HTJSJJTJFJG
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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts
#toy txt post#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW#its very silly of me#imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad#even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i#listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary#i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a#different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound#so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy#ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate#feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed#*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it#which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting#sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same#i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic#OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about#different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject#needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP#ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE#WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE#SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR#ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT#anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess#(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill#deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts#and the subject
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uh oh i can feel myself getting bogged down in the perfectionism sauce again... i need to write smth stupid and self indulgent ough
#rimi talks#it also does not help that my head is so FUcking hurty rn but that i slept too much and now i cant sleep more#like now im just bored of sitting here going aw my head hurts :(#why is being in pain sofucking BORING i ask you.#(thinking abt all the fics i could write) man it woudl be so cool if i knew how to write#<- i say this bc im struggling with words rn. which is a problem bc i would like to write rn. bc im bored. however .#like what else can i do with myself!!!!!! my eyes hurt!!!!!!#can't play video game bc moving images hard. can't read book bc eyes hurt. can't do podcast bc audio processing is Shot.#i COULD sit here with my eyes mostly closed and type but i cant THINK good????#which i mean i can still do but its frustrating to constantly feel like i can't think as well as normal. ugh#chronic migraines when i fuckign get you#BUT i guess having a migraine is a great excuse to write something silly and indulgent that doesnt require much planning or thought#so if i can just figure out what that somethign is. that might be a potential boredom cure
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fates saw i was getting too powerful (making too many memes) so they decided to strike me down for my hubris (my phone died from overheating because i forgot it outside)
#it's been two days?#i think#anyway if i can't get it fixed#i might struggle with making memes as easily and obsessively#as i did all these months#i've read like four books in the last two days#i don't exactly miss my phone#but i do miss being able to take photos of my dog whenever#all i do is take naps and read books now#fortunately i had already transferred all my memes and files to my laptop#cause i'm a paranoid mf
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!! DRUMINDOR SPOILERS IN TEXT AND TAGS !!
Listening to Drumnidor as a Hadrian girlie is not easy. My god they're assassinating his entire character and taking away his life purpose right in front of us! They're reducing him to a stupid comic relief character with no depth and no real influence on the people around him (to a greater degree than they ever did before) and they're taking away all his greatest achievements and attributing them to someone else to fit the plot! His main character status has been revoked and he's now apparently merely a supporting character in someone else's story. Please, everyone, a moment of silence for my blorbo 😔🙏 Rest in peace mr. Blackwater. At least they let you pull some impressive-arse sword moves, you looked really cool... but I am so sorry they did not let you be a practising hoe in this one 🥀
#riyria#drumindor spoilers#sorry everyone i am about five and a half hours into the audiobook and i just reached a conversation between hadrian and arcadius#and i want to fucking jump out a window#why is mjs doing hadrian like this???? what's even his fucking point in the story if it's gonna be like this????#literally and what is hadrian? chopped liver etc etc!!!!!#someone who is also reading the book please talk to me or help me see how i am misinterpreting this#i just want hadrian to be taken seriously and be valued and i want him to actually achieve something that is not just helping royce on his#journey to becoming a better person but yeah i guess he can't even have that - the one thing they kind of let him have in the other books#i am literally becoming a worse person as i listen lol#And listening to Drumindor as a Hadrian/Royce shipper is even harder!#lol#I'm sorry everyone#I can't even make any jokes about this point you'll just have to read the book yourself and find out.#i want to adopt hadrian out of that story my god i swear there is someone who cares about you and values you#crossing my fingers that the remaining 14 hours of this book is different 🤪🤡#(at least gwen is nice to hadrian and i love that we get to see them bond/see more of their friendship#it's so jarring though bc she actually treats him as an adult#and not as an idiot)#like am i losing my mind???#was it always like this????#was it different because there were other characters around to interact with???#i want to cry because i am so frustrated lol#as i reread my tags i must say it could also be that i am projecting my struggles onto him LOL#because my life is really bad rn in a suspiciously similar manner ...#either i'm a hadrian fan bc he's just like me fr or oh god i'm literally just misinterpreting everything and its not that deep#but i want him to also get the opportunity to be that deep :( ok enough tags now sorry everyone so sorry everyone#fellow hadrian fans what do we think#enter the hivemind (the replies to this post or my inbox/messages) and let me know#and royce fans what do you think about royce in this book?
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someone please flush my brain, change my battery, or whatever, i just want to be able to fully focus on things again and feel some energy in this strange body i inhabit, i want to be able to enjoy things
#in my teens i used to do so many creative things#i wrote stories and poems every day#did photography wherever i went#studied topics in great detail just for fun#read countless books#and today i struggle to write more than a sentence#doesn't matter if it's work or uni papers or anything else#can't focus on anything anymore#always feeling drained for idk fifteen years now#how am i supposed to bear that#when i know life can be so much more fulfilling#personal
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reading easier level books with the open dyslexic font is actually making reading fun again 2 me
#realizing things abt myself rn#have i always struggled this much to read 🪿#honestly actually yes because i remember struggling in middle school too even if it took me a few days to plow through pjo and hoo books#i’ve been trying to finish the atlas six for two years now but the writing is sooooooo. sometimes too#girl i really do think i’m dyslexic … i’m like 90% sure my mom is in some way too#anyway fourth wing fun :) finally picked it back up again on libby!!! happy i bookmarked it because whew i had to check it out again#for the first time since august#anyway no one make fun of me . i know how weird ppl are about books other people read for some reason#also i have the autistic fear of being perceived#anyway <3
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No guys you don’t get it grrm announcing the dunk n egg show means he’s confident he can write more of those books soon and he’s not going to do that until twow is done wich means he’s close to getting it done and it’s coming out tomorrow. Trust me
#.txt#in my delusion era ❤️#no but fr I am actually kind of hopeful that we will get twow soon#idk maybe it’s just bc I’m still a relatively new fan but#idk he seems optimistic? like he’s actually getting work done#he’s finally solved whatever plot point he was struggling with for so long and now all that’s left is the easy part#I know this for I have seen it in the flames#but seriously what’s the use in being like ‘ohh we’re never getting that book’#you’re just making yourself sad#I don’t think the ‘pretending I don’t care about it so it gets done faster’ strategy is working guys 😭#btw i still haven’t read the sample chapters bc I wanna go in raw. that’s my delusion level#if I do read them you know I’ll have given up hope 😔
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