#and now i do struggle with reading books
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just learning there may be a chance I have dyslexia and just never knew
#growing up i had all of the dyslexia problens in the way of writing and spelling#(and a bit in pronunciation of words)#with pronunciation i would switch up the sounds in my head for example for remote i would end up saying merote#and when i was writing i would often randomly capitalize letters that way i could see them better (most D and B)#or i would capitalize ALL of the letters#i remember crying in kindergarten because i could only write my name in all capitals#i also remember my dad screaming at me because i wouldn't write in lowercase when i was supposed to#(he made me write out all of the lowercasr letter then write them in uppercase)#i still struggle with this a lot i even do it when I'm typing but it's most prevalent when I'm hand writing notes for school#i also have a hard time spelling things even if i know the word REALLY WELL it can be a word i write or type every day and i can still#stuggle with spelling it#but the thing is i never had any problems with reading things in my head (not out loud though that was hard)#in fact i had a 12th grade reading level when i was in 5th grade#which is why i never thought i was dyslexic since i had a friend who was dyslexic and had a very hard time reading#and many educators and people when they think of dyslexia they think or just not being good at reading#when that's not really the case#and now i do struggle with reading books#i often stare at book pages reading the same sentence over and over trying to comprehend it#i even do that with fan fic#and it's annoying#the only reason i read fan fic more is because it grabs my attention and it seems more worth it to struggle through than a boring book for#school that was written 100 years ago :/#anyways yeah. crazy shit abt me.#imagine if i have autism and ADHD and dylexia and dyscalculia#also i juat mixed up all of those fucking letters in adhd
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[now entering: the OPINION ZONE]
the way i feel about Booktok(tm), as a phenomenon, or maybe more as a weird miasma that is seeping through every bookstore i enter, is that we don't see eye to eye. i'm sure it's got a lot more variation and diversity than whatever weird takes bubble up to the surface for my tiktok-less self to stumble upon - mostly i just feel like my motivation for reading books is different than theirs. there is the occasional overlap in the Books I Enjoy / Big On Booktok venn diagram (which makes me feel very weird about those books but that's for me to sort out), but i cannot personally Trust a booktok recommendation, if that makes sense. either way, it's none of my business what other people like to read, and i think me and booktok can peacefully coexist in each our own spheres. (if all of this is completely incomprehensible to you i salute you and envy your peace of mind.)
anyway, a very fascinating discussion that keeps showing up recently is the phenomenon where popular booktok influencers admit to skipping paragraphs that are too long, or only reading the dialogue of a book, or performing shock at a printed book containing Too Many Words Per Page. what fascinates me is not so much that it is happening (though it DOES fascinate me), but how much people reacting to this struggle to explain exactly Why it's so aggravating.
like, i feel like the obvious takeaway is that these people are monetizing their alleged joy of reading, and then... don't? even like to read? that the consumerist aesthetic of Being A Reader is more profitable on a video platform than doing the due diligence of reviewing books properly? that the content machine marches on and if you're too slow you'll fall behind??
INSTEAD the discussion seems to center around the good old "oohh nooo people read BAD BOOKS instead of GOOD BOOKS and IT'S IMPORTANT TO CHALLENGE YOUR BRAINNN or else the MEDIA LITERACY....." and i'm sorry but i think this has been a moral panic for as long as we've had literature. media literacy has never had a golden age that i'm aware of. there's always been trashy romances that authors pump out on the monthly for easy consumption. capitalism is gonna value profit over quality for as long as it's in charge. people who read for fun are gonna read what they're gonna read, and they're gonna read it in the way they enjoy reading. i agree that reading Good Books is deeply fulfilling! but that is my personal and subjective experience that not everyone is going to share.
i think the reason i feel weird about the insistence that you Must, at least occasionally, Challenge Yourself while reading is that... i'm exhausted in my brain. too exhausted to challenge myself for fun. maybe it's a burnout thing. i really really get looking at a paragraph and finding it simply too much to absorb right now. my main method of getting through books these days is in audio format, even if i would personally prefer to read them visually (they'd stick to my brain better, i would see how names are spelled, sudden POV switches between paragraphs would be less confusing). but reading a book in text form is taking me weeks at best - unless it's a special kind of book that i can't help but devour immediately, sleep schedule be damned (which is another toll to pay). some books are just too complex and need too much focus for me to enjoy right now, so i keep having to goldilock my way to what feels Just Right. some books, i'm sure i'll get back to later. some i've made my peace with never picking up despite the fact that they feel Obligatory (my apologies to lord of the rings. i've Tried and i just can't do it). so like i GET IT. sometimes reading is too much.
what i Wish the discussion was more about, was instead finding ways to read that's enjoyable for you. there is literature and screen plays that are Only Dialogue. there's graphic novels. there's audiobooks and e-readers that let you change the font sizes. there's lots and lots and lots of fanfiction that's literally just banter and smut. there's no shame in reading what you enjoy! there's no shame in spending months on the same book! but i suppose it's not as ~Aesthetic~ as purchasing 10 editions of the same book series on amazon dot hell!!!!
#reading books in and of itself is not a moral virtue. it's just a thing u can do#thank you for journeying through the opinion zone with me. now leaving#also personally i can't even imagine skipping a paragraph in a fiction book and that's part of my exhaustion tbh#i remember telling a therapist how i struggle to move on to a next page unless i feel like i have sufficiently absorbed Every Single Word#and i keep getting stuck a lot because of it
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i miss having energy to do stuff
#uni stuff used to be so easy for me and now i can barely write#it takes me ages to do basic assignments#im procrastinating so much#im no motivated to draw at all#i can just do super simple doodles and i even struggle with those#and its not as fun anymore#and i cant read#i have 40 pages to finish this book im really enjoying and i just dont read#jeez#i can barely focus when i watch tv shows or movies#WHATEVER#going through a flop era or something#sorry this got personal#ah eto bleh#axel talks#ILL GET BETTER or something
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Headcanon that Legend’s ears are actually slightly longer than everyone else’s because of his rabbit form!
Ooooooo!!!
I like this idea. His nose wiggles too!
#pinky replies#anon heacanons#no recollection if I've used this before#nor do I think I'll remember to use it again#but I'm using it now#also my brain feel completely scattered right now#thank you for your patience when it comes to me answering asks#I've been struggling to find motivation for anything other than reading my new books
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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"i dont care if people who havent read the books get spoiled for the show" <- words of a person i now want to bite and yell at
#BE FUCKING NICE#A LOT OF THEM ARE CHILDREN??? THEY EITHER HAVENT GOTTEN AROUND TO READING THE BOOKS BECAUSE THEY DIDNT HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO YET#OR#ADDITIONALLY IT IS 2023. THE WORLD IS DIFFERENT AND MEDIA IS BEING ADAPTED FOR NEW GENERATIONS#TRY HOLDING SOME WONDER AND JOY IN YOUR HEART AND THINK ABOUT HOWW FUN IT IS TO EXPERIENCE A STORY FOR THE FIRST TIME#STOP SPOILING SHIT ON PURPOSE IT MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT CRIMES❤️#literally dont be a spiteful dick and stop ruining things for fun or because you want to gatekeep and have a superiority complex#fuck uou i would personally give ANYTHING to get to experience this story for the first time again#and watching people ruin in in real time for people experiencing it for the firdt time. i hate you#ypure all extremely selfish and shortsighted for doing this whole 'yeah but the books have been out for forever.. :/' bs#absolutely giving yourself away as a fucking clown with no ability to gain anything positive from shared joy. get well soon#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson#pjo show#percy jackson show#pjo tv show#eeanpost#ALSO THE FUCKING AUDACITY FOR THE FANBASE OF A BOOK SERIES ABOUT KIDS STRUGGLING WITH LEARNING DISABILITIES TO YELL AT PEOPLE FOR NOTREADING#DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YPURSELVES ???? WHAT THE FUCK??? THE STORY IS MORE ACCESSIBLE NOW. THAT IS A GOOD THING. HTJSJJTJFJG
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uh oh i can feel myself getting bogged down in the perfectionism sauce again... i need to write smth stupid and self indulgent ough
#rimi talks#it also does not help that my head is so FUcking hurty rn but that i slept too much and now i cant sleep more#like now im just bored of sitting here going aw my head hurts :(#why is being in pain sofucking BORING i ask you.#(thinking abt all the fics i could write) man it woudl be so cool if i knew how to write#<- i say this bc im struggling with words rn. which is a problem bc i would like to write rn. bc im bored. however .#like what else can i do with myself!!!!!! my eyes hurt!!!!!!#can't play video game bc moving images hard. can't read book bc eyes hurt. can't do podcast bc audio processing is Shot.#i COULD sit here with my eyes mostly closed and type but i cant THINK good????#which i mean i can still do but its frustrating to constantly feel like i can't think as well as normal. ugh#chronic migraines when i fuckign get you#BUT i guess having a migraine is a great excuse to write something silly and indulgent that doesnt require much planning or thought#so if i can just figure out what that somethign is. that might be a potential boredom cure
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fates saw i was getting too powerful (making too many memes) so they decided to strike me down for my hubris (my phone died from overheating because i forgot it outside)
#it's been two days?#i think#anyway if i can't get it fixed#i might struggle with making memes as easily and obsessively#as i did all these months#i've read like four books in the last two days#i don't exactly miss my phone#but i do miss being able to take photos of my dog whenever#all i do is take naps and read books now#fortunately i had already transferred all my memes and files to my laptop#cause i'm a paranoid mf
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me, stupidly and weirdly resistant to listening to audio books vs reading a physical book for no real reason: man i wish there was a way to like, read a book while i crochet like i do with tv shows and movies and podcasts
#toy txt post#my reasons are irrational you dont need to try to talk me into it. i KNOW#its very silly of me#imagine how much reading i could get done. but alas. Feels Bad#even listening to a more. uh. Story type podcast or fiction like nightvale was a bit difficult to start for me. i like nightvale now i#listened. but i worry that is clocking in my brain as an Exception 😔 maybe it would be easier if i tried some nonfiction books? scary#i also struggle with single host podcasts apparently even tho im also ehhhh on the kind where the structure is the host Interviewing a#different person everytime? maybe it would be okay with a nonfiction audiobook tho cos it would be getting read by a narrator and not sound#so much like a guy ranting into a mic which makes me feel a little insane. altho propaganda doesnt necessarily always sound like a guy#ranting into a mic so idk. i could probably make it through if i can find a nice book about like. parasitic worms. i could tolerate#feeling like im falling into sigma male affirmations videos for worms i think. wormffirmations are allowed#*to clarify i dont listen to those but listening to better offline makes me feel like im morphing into the kinda guy who does and i hate it#which feels unfair cos he is RIGHT and the podcast is good but i need there to be like a cohost there to break the tension of the Ranting#sometimes he has guests on? but its not quite the same#i think the format i like best is either like 2 or 3 regular cohosts discussing things within a specific topic#OR. 1 host whos like infodumping to the other host who knows nothing about the subject. OR. 2 hosts info dumping to each other about#different aspects of the subject. OR. 1 host who brings on fun guests to infodump to them about a subject. and then obviously the subject#needs to intrigue me. ex. sawbones well theres your problem (I HATE THAT THIS ONE IS BEST EXPERIENCED ON YOUTUBE😭 I WANT THEM TO JUST DUMP#ALL THE SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST SOMEWHERE AND I CAN CHECK IN AND FOLLOW ALONG THAT WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE MY PHONE SCREEN ON THE#WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!! but. im listening for free so its unreasonable to demand more of them BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE JUST COPYPASTING ALL OF THE#SLIDES INTO A BIG BLOG POST ISNT THAT MUCH MORE EFFORT THAN EDITING A WHOLE YOUTUBE VIDEO? WAAAAAH. THEY DONT NEED TO BE TIMESTAMPED OR#ANYTHING JUST THROW EM IN ILL FIGURE IT OUTTTTTT#anyway. also more than 3 hosts is really pushing my ability to keep track of voices.#anyway: sawbones wtyp tpwky behind the bastards scam goddess#(which is true crime adjacent but focuses mainly on scams and isnt copaganda and laci is funny and cool)#common descent pod completely arbortrary maintenance phase if books could kill#deep sea podcast has more bringing ppl in to interview them about shit than i personally enjoy but i put up with it cos i do like the hosts#and the subject
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I got a massage bar at the start of the week and honestly, I didn't expect it to fill my head with thoughts of using it on a really submissive dad's best friend Bucky 🙈
Because I imagine he doesn't really relax very often. His life gets busy, things are overwhelming sometimes and he rarely takes the chance to let himself decompress. There would be some small self-care wins though and the day he does his first face mask with you probably stands out in his head as one of his favourite days ever.
But I love to imagine him fresh out of the shower with his hair still slightly damp while his body is dry. He's laid on his front on the bed, wearing just his underwear, scrolling on his phone and you know it's been a long week for him.
He seems content now though, not that you can really see his face. The gentle arch of his back is so inviting, your brain reminding you of how it feels to trail kisses down his spine while he lies like this.
He's been so tense all week, you hardly know where to start. Breaking off a little piece of the massage bar and letting the fragment soften in your hands gives you some time to decide a course of action. Do you begin with those broad, tense shoulders and work from there down or do you want to start on the small of his back and work your way towards his neck?
As the solid butters melt with your body heat, filling the room with the scent of patchouli and vanilla, you decide to work from his shoulders down. You know you've made the right decision when you hear his content sigh at the gentle kisses you litter across the bare skin of the back of his neck.
"What are you doing?" The hint of a smile on his face carries in his voice while you settle on top of him.
"Nothing. Relax." The shea and cocoa butters in the bar have melted into a much slicker consistency, allowing your hands to glide over the broad expanse of his strong shoulders with very little resistance. You touch him gently to begin with, spreading the oils over the top half of his back before pressing heavier to work them into his skin.
His shoulders are as tense as you expected them to be but it doesn't take much to relax them. Your fingertips sink in to the soft flesh where his neck curves into his shoulders, rubbing in small, concentrated circles.
"That's nice." He hums, sounding truly relaxed. There's no rush with this. It can take as long as he likes. You've got all night to appreciate the man in front of you and you could happily spend every second just touching him.
It's fun to play around with the pressure of your touch. With one palm planted on each side of his spine, your firm, languid strokes up the length of his back drag soft gasps from his parted lips. Your fingertips moving in gentle circles however, draw a contented hum from his throat. The kind of hum that makes you want to cradle his head to your chest. He thrives off affection like no one else and it only makes you want to give him every ounce you can muster.
The most delightful sounds he makes come when your fingernails dig in while you trail the length of his back. He's always enjoyed the soothing feeling of a gentle back scratch but with each scratch, you notice how he subtly grinds against the mattress with a quiet moan.
He's forgotten all about his bad week at work, that much is clear.
"Baby, please." It's barely more than a whisper but you couldn't have missed it. He's done with the back rub and that's more than fine. You take take the spot on the bed beside him while he turns to lie on his back, noticeably hard beneath the underwear that you quickly discard.
Precum leaks from his tip and he appreciates that your hands are still slick more than you could ever know. One firm pump of your hand, rolling your palm over the tip is enough to make him gasp. He's neglected his own need for far too long.
"F-fuck." He groans, beginning to thrust in time with your hand movements, fucking himself into your fist. It's erratic and needy and the light blush to his cheeks gives away that he's embarrassed about his lack of self-restraint. Not embarrassed enough to stop though.
"God, you're pathetic." You tease, lost in the way the degradation makes him tense up. He gets off on this and so do you. "I bet you couldn't last if you were inside me right now."
His breath catches in his throat because he knows you're right. Hell, he's struggling to last right now. There's no expectation for him to last forever this time around though. You know he'll be able to offer you a whole lot more once he gets this out of his system.
"N-no. I couldn't. I couldn't last." He's so beautiful and he doesn't even know it. You notice that he's even more beautiful with streams of his cum rolling down over your fingers, desperate sobs tumbling from his lips and his over pleasured groans hanging in the humid bedroom air.
Afterwards, the man seems boneless. He's content, melting into the bed and once you've had a chance to clean up, he pulls you in for the softest kisses.
#becca's thots#becca writes spice#dbf!bucky#sub!bucky#dbf!bucky smut#dbf!sub!bucky#I got 5 books yesterday and now I'm struggling to pick one to start with#I started 'the diary of an oxygen thief' last night and the hatred I have for the speaker already is incredible#I think I might start 'The Rachel Papers' tonight#and as soon as I sit down to read#I pick up my phone#and before I know it I'm looking at houses on property pal#I'd found one I liked but it sold this morning 🥲#part of me wants to be an adult and get a mortgage and a house and do adult things#and part of me doesn't want to be tied down yet#so I'll just keep looking online#and dreaming of the house plants I could get for Belle to knock over#I'm way too excited to use that massage bar though 👀
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someone please flush my brain, change my battery, or whatever, i just want to be able to fully focus on things again and feel some energy in this strange body i inhabit, i want to be able to enjoy things
#in my teens i used to do so many creative things#i wrote stories and poems every day#did photography wherever i went#studied topics in great detail just for fun#read countless books#and today i struggle to write more than a sentence#doesn't matter if it's work or uni papers or anything else#can't focus on anything anymore#always feeling drained for idk fifteen years now#how am i supposed to bear that#when i know life can be so much more fulfilling#personal
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reading easier level books with the open dyslexic font is actually making reading fun again 2 me
#realizing things abt myself rn#have i always struggled this much to read 🪿#honestly actually yes because i remember struggling in middle school too even if it took me a few days to plow through pjo and hoo books#i’ve been trying to finish the atlas six for two years now but the writing is sooooooo. sometimes too#girl i really do think i’m dyslexic … i’m like 90% sure my mom is in some way too#anyway fourth wing fun :) finally picked it back up again on libby!!! happy i bookmarked it because whew i had to check it out again#for the first time since august#anyway no one make fun of me . i know how weird ppl are about books other people read for some reason#also i have the autistic fear of being perceived#anyway <3
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No guys you don’t get it grrm announcing the dunk n egg show means he’s confident he can write more of those books soon and he’s not going to do that until twow is done wich means he’s close to getting it done and it’s coming out tomorrow. Trust me
#.txt#in my delusion era ❤️#no but fr I am actually kind of hopeful that we will get twow soon#idk maybe it’s just bc I’m still a relatively new fan but#idk he seems optimistic? like he’s actually getting work done#he’s finally solved whatever plot point he was struggling with for so long and now all that’s left is the easy part#I know this for I have seen it in the flames#but seriously what’s the use in being like ‘ohh we’re never getting that book’#you’re just making yourself sad#I don’t think the ‘pretending I don’t care about it so it gets done faster’ strategy is working guys 😭#btw i still haven’t read the sample chapters bc I wanna go in raw. that’s my delusion level#if I do read them you know I’ll have given up hope 😔
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currently so unable to be alone with my own thoughts that im 10+ episodes into a podcast about the vampire diaries, a show i have never watched
#i read the books when i was a teenager tbf but they are so different it doesnt even count#i have made two attempts to watch the pilot and ya girl is struggling. i feel like maybe you had to be there#im enjoying the podcast though#every now and then i briefly entertain the idea of doing a flash rewatch podcast but it would just be me talking to myself#also i would run the risk of having non-fandom people speak to me about the show and i am so not up for that lmao
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kotarou maghni ai thank GOD i literally sighed an audible sigh of relief
#i was so scared. one fear. whether or not the. unsavory figure is still involved or not with ace? i uh. still will never use it regardless#because i dont do subscription only software orz#BUT MAGHNI..... HELL YES#im really intrigued by them. we havent heard a WHOLE lot but i enjoy the engine noise they have its like#somewhere between cevio's 2.0 vocoder and like some world based resamplers#and the systems look like they jack all the things i enjoy about SV and OU (voice color systems - multilingual - etc) which is what i want#all vocal synth editors to do LOL jk jk.... but not really joking at all#but im already excited to maghni this is great. i really fell for audine#she has this really sweet enunciation i really like. very beautiful in the very sugary rnb pop tune answer book#also maybe big al is gonna be there someday. hi big al <3#this rules man i was hoping voisona/cevio or MAAAYBE diffsinger because i had written off sv and maghni as options#(im not sure why. i think it was just because it was a bit of radio silence for a bit there that i wasnt sure what was going on with it)#but im glad it was maghni. im so ready. im so so ready#now i dont. totally know whats going on with them. ive always struggled following their press stuff#which im realizing now is just because the colours they chose on their website is really hard to read for me LOL#so i havent. the slightest idea of when this thang is even gonna be launched or if anyone knows a general ballpark#but i am excited nonetheless <3
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no no no this makes perfect sense to me @bonefall
#better bones au#moss meows#how do i make a meme of this#once again i am SO glad i didnt read DOTC past the 2nd book in middle school because like#aside from all the major fucking problems this arc has#younger me fucking loved tall shadow back then. easily my fav character from the arc.#so it kinda kills me now in the present to see how badly the narrative treats her and how it constantly demonize her disproportionately#yeah fuck you for struggling to lead because you're grieving over your brother#the SECOND family member she loses now mind you#fuck you for killing someone in self-defense after you're forcibly tossed into a crowd of cats trying to kill your entire group#man...... im bitter
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