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23/08 | 2:42 wita
I refuse to heal
I refuse to feel
I refuse to settle down for less
I can't trust you. I hurt my self by not trusting you.
Sorry Kim, I love you but.. I don't need a man who doesn't know himself I don't need a man who can easily throw away his life I don't need a man who can't be better and proved me wrong to not believe in him so that'll makes me wanted him more than i ever had.
Kim, I don't do this cheapy dramas about girls, and alcohols thingy.. I'm not 18 (bcs when I was 18 I also didn't take those kind of dramas) It's not me pushing you away, it's me wanting you to know yourself because I need that so that I know if I can trust you again or not.
Just let me know when you're finish playing around.. And if you do, just don't say it and also stop saying I love you (i'm sick of guys who tells a lot of those words but they're act the other way around) instead, just prove it (not to me directly) but by doing an improvement to your life.
You know what? I thought you're different..
Well, you are.. but eventually, you're not different enough. For now.
-August, 2023
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18/07 | 6:32
My head is in a dark cloud.
It’s been so hard for me being here. Far from you, far from my sisters, far from ayah apalagi bunda.
No one hug me now, kim. Here.
This whole long distance relationship is tiring. Besides, I don’t think that my hands are a good hands in handling relationship.
I guess, I’m just tired.
Let me rest. Let us rest. But also, Let’s not get distracted, and still be focus on what we’re doing. Okay?
I think it’s just me, homesick, and lonely in someone’s island.
You know I love you, Always have, always will 💙
🌞 - July, 2023
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17/07 | 13.23
Pain Is inevitable, yet suffering is a choice.
🌝 - July, 2023
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17/07 | 03.03
“The Break Up”
You asked for it today, you asked hard. You insisted. You forced, you pushed, and you bent. You tried so hard today.
I’m not going anywhere, i’m staying and there is nothing moving me anywhere else besides here. I’m writing here with feelings, anger is here next to me. Kinda reminds me of writing in see you letter game.
I’m writing here because you’re not listening, you’re just pushing. Just the reason you created see you letter game. So when you reed this, this is what i was trying to say; i just want to stay, because i love you, because it’s better than leaving, because it turns me into a better man, because it helps me, because i grow, because i want you to see, because you are Her, because you love me, because you matter, because you deserve me, because i want to, because you’re the ONE i want, because you the daughter of Jack Purwa, because you work hard, because God loves you, because you have your sisters, because you’re smart, because you have those eyes, because you helped me, because you were an abang-abang, because of your friends, because you love my mother, because of you’re mind…. I can keep at this all night, because it’s you.
If you really want to know the real reason,
I don’t know.
I can’t leave. “Once i’m in, i can never get out” -you. That’s what i signed up for.
🌝- July, 2023
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11/07 | 04.14
G
“Go ahead, write, or not at all”
J
“Okay”
“I just wanted to call to avoid any miss communications that might make the message un clear.”
“I apologize gor the inconvenience i caused, you’re right… i’m being paranoid…
Even thought i thought i wasnt, since i was calm but just had grudge that was tickling.”
G
“I’ll ask you once again”
“Should I ask him to talk to you so that you could believe me?”
J
“No need Kim”
“I’m a fool for you, but yo probably already know that from me; taking college, fixing my carrer, saving up my money, initiating in projects, trying to find every single way to get back to you”
“And i thankyou, for once me being a fool made more people happier than ever”
“I’m here for you, as simple as that.”
“I mean it when i say [let me know however i could help]”
“You could let me know, and i’ll definitely try and manage…
Atleast i would have a heads up, and try to prepare things that i could to help you out”
“Even if it’s leaving you alone and letting you have some good personal time”
“You know me better than i do”
“You know my potencial, you know what i can do, You know how to control me…”
“Have i ever been annoyed when you use your strings on me?”
“I’m here to grow together. If your fertilizer is personal time, and i’m starting to take too much of it,
You know you can easily warn me..”
“and that’s not being this[selfish bitch], because you’re never like that to me”
“Nothing but grace, care, and appreciation has always been coming from you…”
“You know i’d do anything for you to be provided with what you need”
“Then try being honest, try suffocating me with challenges and demand, i always say “ask me anything, anything at all” still remember the old days when you try and ask me questions”
“Anything at all Kim”
“And you might not want me in that plan, but yeah. You can use me”
“But I can be your tool, i can be anything you want, just letting you know i’m here”
“Been helping you since you hated even a single drop of help from me”
“You have it all Kim, You can do whatever you want in the end, i’m just here trying to help at the very least give you a genuine smile on your face”
“Give you a hand, that’s always at your disposal”
“Like what you said earlier today, “give an impact””
“Now i’m confused because from your explanation, all of the things you’ve appreciate me doing seems to be something i did wrong”
“All of those thankyous and baby!!! And awwws”
“I don’t know which actually indicate that i’m not ruining things”
“I know i can be dumb at times but i always try to be aware of your condition and not bother you”
G
“Since mxgp aku blm pernah lho kim gak ketemu org dan gak kontakan sm org at least 3 hari”
J
“Ada aku rungsingin kamu?”
“Yeah i didnt, because you used your strings and it actually helped made things better. You keep warning me that your busy, you give me pointers that help me avoid being dumb”
“And i know how easy you did that, “i can make any guy say yes to me””
“And you did, you made me try to occupy my self, you made fight to fill in the time that you cant give to me, you made me to this jason. The guy that turns out to be better than all the past jasons”
“Is that really being selfish when i get things done and still can satisfy my girlfriend”
“That’s me Kim, “just the guy i want” -my princess”
“Just wanna be “the guy you want””
🌝-July, 2023 11/07 | 04.14
G
“Go ahead, write, or not at all”
J
“Okay”
“I just wanted to call to avoid any miss communications that might make the message un clear.”
“I apologize gor the inconvenience i caused, you’re right… i’m being paranoid…
Even thought i thought i wasnt, since i was calm but just had grudge that was tickling.”
G
“I’ll ask you once again”
“Should I ask him to talk to you so that you could believe me?”
J
“No need Kim”
“I’m a fool for you, but yo probably already know that from me; taking college, fixing my carrer, saving up my money, initiating in projects, trying to find every single way to get back to you”
“And i thankyou, for once me being a fool made more people happier than ever”
“I’m here for you, as simple as that.”
“I mean it when i say [let me know however i could help]”
“You could let me know, and i’ll definitely try and manage…
Atleast i would have a heads up, and try to prepare things that i could to help you out”
“Even if it’s leaving you alone and letting you have some good personal time”
“You know me better than i do”
“You know my potencial, you know what i can do, You know how to control me…”
“Have i ever been annoyed when you use your strings on me?”
“I’m here to grow together. If your fertilizer is personal time, and i’m starting to take too much of it,
You know you can easily warn me..”
“and that’s not being this[selfish bitch], because you’re never like that to me”
“Nothing but grace, care, and appreciation has always been coming from you…”
“You know i’d do anything for you to be provided with what you need”
“Then try being honest, try suffocating me with challenges and demand, i always say “ask me anything, anything at all” still remember the old days when you try and ask me questions”
“Anything at all Kim”
“And you might not want me in that plan, but yeah. You can use me”
“But I can be your tool, i can be anything you want, just letting you know i’m here”
“Been helping you since you hated even a single drop of help from me”
“You have it all Kim, You can do whatever you want in the end, i’m just here trying to help at the very least give you a genuine smile on your face”
“Give you a hand, that’s always at your disposal”
“Like what you said earlier today, “give an impact””
“Now i’m confused because from your explanation, all of the things you’ve appreciate me doing seems to be something i did wrong”
“All of those thankyous and baby!!! And awwws”
“I don’t know which actually indicate that i’m not ruining things”
“I know i can be dumb at times but i always try to be aware of your condition and not bother you”
G
“Since mxgp aku blm pernah lho kim gak ketemu org dan gak kontakan sm org at least 3 hari”
J
“Ada aku rungsingin kamu?”
“Yeah i didnt, because you used your strings and it actually helped made things better. You keep warning me that your busy, you give me pointers that help me avoid being dumb”
“And i know how easy you did that, “i can make any guy say yes to me””
“And you did, you made me try to occupy my self, you made fight to fill in the time that you cant give to me, you made me to this jason. The guy that turns out to be better than all the past jasons”
“Is that really being selfish when i get things done and still can satisfy my girlfriend”
“That’s me Kim, “just the guy i want” -my princess”
“Just wanna be “the guy you want””
🌝-July, 2023
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19/04 | 04:32
God bless “Her”
Bless Her with all the grace in the world
Bless Her with all the things She has ever dreamed of
Bless Her with health
Bless Her with knowledge
Bless Her with experience
Bless Her with all Her needs
Bless Her with opportunities
Bless Her in Her work
Bless Her in fortune
Bless Her in misfortune
Bless Her in Love
Bless Her in Her relationships
Bless Her in the future
Bless Her in the present
Bless Her for Her Past
Bless Her for every hard work she does
Bless Her for the amazing things She’s done
Bless Her for existing
Bless Her for Her patience
Bless Her and Her family
Bless Her with everything She deserves
And please put me in that list, that list of what She deserves. That list of all the best things for Her. I’d die for the opportunity to be part of it.
🌝 - April, 2023
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I know i’m gonna Marry You,
Now i know, i know for sure. Unlike no other.
That’s all i want. The chance, the chance to see you with me in the future. This is no challenge, yet a voucher. One as long as i keep and preserve.
I’m sorry i broke this one, and i owe you a better one. A new life with all the things that you ever wanted. Thank you for the chance to repay you.
🌝 - April, 2023
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01/03 | 20.39
Just wanted to talk to you via writing, feel like i need it also because feeling a neumonic feeling, even though it’s different from how it was.
Relating to my old self, that guy you thought would tangle your tongue between his teeth. I kinda feel like him again, to be honest. Even though i feel more comfortable of being vulnerable around you and to you nowadays.
Be prepared, your baby’s bout to get a bit whiny.. (hehe)
Also hope this can entertain you since (i’m writing this with a mood of going out on a date with you or maybe see you letter game vibes)
I feel like him(younger me), i feel less than you, unable to obtain, contact, catch up, maybe even deserve. Honestly doubt towards my self has been growing, maybe i don’t communicate it enough(my bad) but yeah it’s been growing, that worthless feeling i felt back then.. it’s back. Wouldn’t hurt to catch with old friends(feelings) i guess (hehe)
This feeling it drives me and i know it, maybe even it’s part of your plan for us. Not surprised if it is (you are that smart)
Currently feeling this makes me happy and sad at the same time. Usually it just drowns me in doubt and sadness and just creates the self victimizing jason you’ve met before. But yeah, kinda makes me glad because it reminds me just how far that doubt brought me and just how much you’ve convince me of my self.
Truth about my answers for you’re “pernah kepikiran ga waktu awal sama aku?” questions, is that “no” i’ve never thought i’d develop this far especially with you involved. I’ve never thought i’d find Her, was optimistic, yes, but not realistically. (Wkwkwk)
And now it’s back, but i’m not gonna forget the parts we built together, the parts i actually “did it” i made it Kim! I grew, became better! Just like what you said… :)
And of course i wouldn’t forget the mistakes that brought me here, the valuable lessons i’ve learned and you’ve so amazing understood. That’s part of why i’m sure you’re Her, no one in their right mind would try to understand me until this far. I’m aware i’m a lot o handle and god i’d do a bruno for you(grenade)
Honestly i know just how grim and messed up i’d be if it wasn’t for you. The things you did. How you did it. God i am addicted.
I’d go fucking crazy without you.
(Walau sudah)wkkwkw
I’m sure i wanna marry you, (younger me) just doubts if i could or not. I’m belive that you’re Her, but turns out having that concept for years, i never developed the mind set that i deserve Her or not.
You(Her) are just so perfect, turning me on my self since the desire to fucking be the best for You(Her) is fucking killing me. But thank God i’m not dead already. I get a chance to be with You(Her) the one thing i want most in life. My Holy Grail. Literally nothing is able to stop me from getting it, a true paradox in my life. Needing and wanting while also doubting.
*just scrolled up this text, you probably don’t know when you have the time to read this (wkwkwkk)
I wan’t to be with you, with all the risks and the challenges. I am truly aware of, God i pray for all the determination in the world to let me deserve Her, truly deserve Her.
Melody, Sis, Keep Her self safe for me. Need your hands on this one, i did it sis! I found her, just have to figure out how to take care of her the rest of my life. I told you she’s real, we both believed in that huh.. she’s there, maybe give her a hand if she needs it *she’s got a thing for independence so don’t over due it. I’m sure you understand. She’s a keeper isn’t she? She did it all Sis! All i believe you would. Kinda scared though, your brother thinks he’s still not enough for her. I Could use a hand in this.. i’m serious! You know she’s the one too right?!
I wish You were here.
You’d probably know what to do, i just had to take you place huh? Could it be the both of us? I miss you… i really need your hand, i need a hug.. not many are hugging me nowadays, they expect the strong me the best of me. I need you. I’m sorry for being silent for quite some time. I want to come see you ASAP i think i could really use that. It’s hard, i could use some pointers from you. She’s the closest thing to you, and now she’s out there far from me, guard her for me.. please…
I’ll come for you Kim, just like “see you letter game” i’ll be back for you, i’m yours, all of me. You showed me i could, then i will.
I miss you Galliley Cikal Ayu Caraka and i love you. Just as much as i love my self turns out.
🌝 - March, 2023
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7/12 | 18:20
“Be the best and get all the best on earth”
All;
- used to refer to the whole quantity or extent of a particular group or thing.
All = Whole Quantity,
You’re not my whole world Kim, i still got my family, my Mom, my nephews, my job. With the extent of you, a task God brought upon me.
Remember “be the best and get all the best” to me, is to have an amazing life above this boring activity we all call “living”.
- Mustang
- An amazing garage
- My dream automotive collection
- A “fuck you” amount of income
- Doing cool things related to sex
- Being a high powered man
- Having an amazing body
- Becoming one of the coolest uncle
- Having 0 issues financially
- And more…
All of that is way to hard to achieve by my self, more so with someone incompetent. I need competence, if you are competent. Then you can do anything that you can think of. Including deserving me.
Competence is beauty.
Competence;
- The ability to do something succesfully or efficiently.
[Amsal 31:30] —
“Kemolekan adalah bohong dan kecantikan adalah sia-sia, tetapi isteri yang takut akan tuhan dipuji-puji.
That’s the partner i desire. A key to “All”, a key to,
“Be the best and get all the best on earth”
🌝 - December, 2022
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6/12 | 2:10
Here we go again,
Hello my insecurities! Lately you’re just running around in our relationship. Thank God my partner is him!
So he could help me with fighting you back. But, yeah I should admit that, I’m still kinda feel worthless for him. I mean, yeah.. I know he did couple mistakes, but that’s the thing! Because he did that, he make some astounding progress. He developed with a speed. God! It makes me scared. Either takut karena takut dinikahin, atau takut makin gak worth it buat jadi the woman besides him.
Kim.. I don’t know, I really don’t think that I’m beautiful enough to be yours, to be your partner. Okay, I have my other value, but.. there must be tons of woman out there who has a brilliant mind with a very pretty face.
I mean like, you still got time to explore things and relationships, so that you really believe that I AM the one you want.
Kamu kan gatau kim nanti mungkin diluar sana ternyata ada cewe yang lebih mendekati with the idea of ‘her’ dibanding aku.. if you’re talking about the checklists that I’ve checked, yaa siapa tau diluar sana ada yang sama-sama bisa check full kyk aku, tapi lebih cantik dari aku.
Honesly, it’s always hurt whenever those words came out of my mouth, because yes, I don’t want it, but objectively speaking, kalo ada cewe yang bener bisa menuhin semua ceklis itu tp jauh lebih cantik dari aku, ya aku juga suggest you to be with her..
I mean, look at me, and look at you. Everybody says that you’re looks like a prince since you were child, but me? Nah, I have this standard indonesian girl’s faces. Yes, I have a beautiful eyes, but the rest? They are so-so.
I just want you to be the best and get all the best on earth.
🌞 - December, 2022
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11/09
Sun shining, birds chirping, your voice in my ear.
You never fail to make things more beautiful then they are.
🌙 - september, 2022
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09/08 | 00:54
Kim, I'm so sorry for making you cry. Because I'm not strong enough to tell you in person because the pain from my past is still exist, apparantely.
I've told you that having a long distance relationship is quite hard for me. I don't know if you could understand how 'hard' that means, but for me.. It is THAT hard, baby..
Once I let my guard down, you guys are easily makes it hurt again.
I thought it's gonna be easier with you but hell, it's not.
I still that stubborn, selfish but wimpy bitch. I've told you once that I could treat my bf as my toy and food. When I say its mine, no one can touch it! But yeah, I guess you're a person.
Even tho I work my fingers to the bone, if you're the one who 'stupid' then I can do nothing, right? Like that 'Jogja Tragedy'
I know the simple logic that you guys has, and also, I understand how's the complicated logic and feeling that girls out there works. So, that's what makes me upset.
I've told you many times, "Girls can be crazy, if you let them to", with you, still responding her more than once, she'll take it as a 'yes' but in a cool way. Makanya kenapa tmn km kemarin blg kamu jual mahal.
Kalo mau nolak, sekali aja. tapi teges. jangan tanggepin lagi.
I'm not talking about the 'PAP' kim, it's you making a grey territory. Kalo menurut km gaada gunanya being nice to her, then don't. I've met a loooot of guy who treated me like that kok. Sedingin itu. Manner less? Oh, 100% dong. But after what he did, I don't even have a courage to even talk to him anymore, unless I have like very very important thing to say.
Kan kalo dari cerita kamu, dia insist berulang kali, dan kamu masih nanggepin. Bahkan kamu nengok, dengan dalih 'checking on her' itu tolol kim. Percaya sama aku, dia gak berpikir km beneran nolak itu, dia mikirnya km males aja, bukan km males sama dia. Apalagi dengan km nengok, dia bisa build up her logic (dengan data yg km blg bahwa dia cewe2 centil) dengan mikir 'tuh kan nengok, mau juga difoto kan lo'. Sounds crazy? Oh yes, we are kim. Aku yg bukan cewek 'gitu' aja pernah ada kok di posisi itu, apalagi yg emg karakternya kyk gitu.
But baby, please... please... make it clear...
Just tell me, how you wanna be noticed there?
Such a good guy and humble to everyone? Or a cool man but also humble? Or what?
What's your objective?
If you're already knew, then tell me..
So that I can prepare my feeling to get any information that related to those people that I dont know.
Kalo emang kamu mau humble, jd aku bisa spare jealousy aku, aku bisa gak usah marah kyk td, knowing you not refusing that hard to the girl.
I was mad at you because you've told me that you have zero interest of having a convo with a girl, and if it necessary, you'll be mean.
But it seems like you didn't brave enough to be mean to a girl. Is it bcs of manner? or collage reason? or what? I don't really understand.
Okay, let's simplify..
Gini deh, kamu bayangin aja kalo aku ada di posisi kamu gimana?
Kamu bete ga?
Jadi aku masuk ke sebuah instansi, aku udh blg ke kamu kalo "i'll be mean to guys yg menurut aku gak penting kim. kyknya juga aku gabakal banyak ngobrol dan ngerespon mereka deh. cewe2 aja paling cuman segelintir yg jadi tmn aku"
Lalu pas acaranya, aku lagi duduk santai, dan ada cowo yg emg caper dan dia ngajak foto,
Nah, ada 2 pilihan nih;
aku nolak di ajakan pertama, pas dia rewel ajak kedua kali, aku sengaja ignore him and just play with my phone
aku nolak, blg males, lalu dia insist, aku jawab lagi dengan jawaban sama, lalu dia maksa dan sengaja foto aku diem2, terus aku noleh ke arah dia, yg ternyata dia foto
Aku gasuka. Tapi, in your point of view.. kalo kamu jadi orang ketiga yg ngeliat perlakuan aku ke cowo itu, akan lebih terlihat mana yg bener-bener penolakan?
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09/12 | 04:52
“The more chances you give a man,
the less he values you. Because if he
valued you, he wouldn't risk losing his
one chance.”
This whole paragraph played with my pride.
First things first i agree with the stupidity of men.. Also me my self as a man..
Yes we’re risk takers, some more than others, and some less..
But most of us are just cowards with a huge pride, and now i know how annoying that could be… yet if we get rid of the cowardness fully, we become bad people, with no compassion whatsoever…
Cowardness here i believe is sense to indicate that what we’re doing might be something too risky or might endanger us..
As men, we need to control it, use it as an indicator.. never let it be the decision maker, because two things can happen…
Fear of the situation / Fear of losing pride
Two situations i find we men have difficulty in figuring out.. for one Point triggers instincts and the other triggers emotions, and those two things should work together but not to be codependent of each other..
Otherwise, you’ll be too sensitive and react too responsively without actually detecting with your instincts rather or not it is actually endangering.. and that’s why men make decisions in a wimp…
Yet i can’t blame them(including me), we’ve lived life feeling like we’re the ones to run the world yet it’ll all be nothing without women.
Women’s value is within them, not defined by howmany chances you give a man..
For my mother has given me chances more than i can ever deserve. I have never looked at her differently.. and that those not meen i can mess things up whenever i want… with the knowledge that she’d always give me a chance..
If what mother taught me was wrong, she loved me.. she has her best interest for her son.. and any mother would do the same for her son… but she’d never think that her value would decrease for it isn’t a value(satuan), it can’t be called upon a quantity
I believe Someones worth never decrease or increase, but develops, to the best form for your character.. if it is defined just by amount of chances you give someone…
That’s like you’re putting your life in their hands, and in this case.. stupid men…
Women are more than the average human(men) you have your selfs and that we men don’t have. Writing this will hurt my pride, but i have to be honest. Men will never be anything, and will never be worth anything if he did not value his woman.
For a man may make mistakes, but those that don’t value their woman don’t value them selfs.
Kim, this is me.. I’m young, forgive me for being born in 2002 for i would love to be born earlier so that maybe, you wouldn’t have to go through this.
For i have learned that if I don’t value you, that means I don’t value my self.. i hate to learn and realize this in the middle of our relationship.. maybe it would’ve been easier if i had realized it earlier…
I have miss valued my self that day that i doubt my self that i am the best.. and just operated out of doubt and fear…
i spent some time reading the bible..
That’s where this is coming from… needed some talking with my Almighty “Dad” :D
I have learned my self awareness of my own value will effect the way i perceive your value. But please know that you giving me chances isn’t changing a thing of your value as long as i fix my own self value everytime risk losing my chance..
I lied to you, and kept it.. not valuing my self that I’d be lying to my self when I’m keeping it from you… destroying you will destroy my self..
Efesus 5:28
“Demikian juga suami harus mengasihi isterinya sama seperti tubuhnya sendiri: Siapa yang mengasihi isterinya mengasihi dirinya sendiri.”
(King James Version)
“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”
Surprisingly loving a woman kinda defines rather a man loves himself or not.. for that i thankyou, i really appreciate that you are here.. giving me a chance to love “my self”
P. S. Sorry about the husband and wife bible verse, they didn’t have boyfriend and girlfriend in that time..😅
🌙 - Dec, 2021
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24/05 | 03:22
Hold my hand,
keep me close,
interlock our eyes,
and come walk through all of it with me...
🌙 - May, 2021
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