#and now i am getting compliments out of the blue. so proud of myself

[worldofgoo]

wen people like my dragons ☺️

[bbluesrreality]

It’s so fun and cool that I’m an exhibitionist that gets to show myself off and be praised for being hot for a living. Genuinely, I am so proud of myself and it makes me feel good about my body and I’m so so so glad I’m in a position where I feel safe enough to do it and have a good support network around me to keep me from some of the more worrying and potential highly consequential vulnerabilities of certain areas of the industry I’m in and actually have fun with my work and feel creatively fulfilled and not have to take up every sometimes shitty offer that comes my way and get followed back and flirted with by some of my biggest crushes ever (and maybe actually DM and meet them in the future…) and “meeting” new hot people every day and all the love and support and now that my terrible horrible no good very bad year roommate is gone I actually feel fully comfortable doing my sex work job where I live!!! Very exciting.

My life is crazy. I can’t believe this is literally me using my degree. I can’t believe my pussy makes me rent plus some. I wish it made me more but that’s just a work ethic and consistency thing at this point. School cost me so much, it’s going to take a long time to be gainfully employed but this is a start and it’s a fun start and I present well, even lightly conservative people tend to like me upon introduction even with the blue hair if I play my cards right, so I don’t think this job will actually close off future employment opportunities I’m likely to seek. It may be where I live and the crowds I frequent but I’ve never gotten a bad reaction to saying “Oh, I’m uh, I’m a camboy.” When people ask “What do you do for work?” And Gen X loves to hear things like “SEO optimization” and “Intrinsically motivated” in interviews. I don’t even need to keep it totally off my resume tbh. And I really have learned a lot of a skills and a lot about learning and a lot about people and a lot about motivation and a lot about myself and a lot about what I want in this line of work.

And a lot about the various angles of my body and divets and bulges in my muscles and niche kinks on the internet and new ways trans people manage to be beautiful perverts and sensations in my holes and compliments that make me blush.

I hope to live a long and happy transsexual life with many phases, many looks, many skills, many friends, many lovers, many tragedies, many meals and tattoos and sex tapes and sexual favors and platonic favors. If, god forbid, something were to happen to me, I want it to be out there that I don’t want my porn deleted. (As of now)

Everything is political. My body is political. Trans bodies are beautiful and I love them and I want them to be seen and demystified in all forms and I know I am only one form, a relatively normative form at that, but making what a naked trans body looks like accessible to the adult public feels politically important to me. I sometimes bridge a gap via “genderfluid” expression codeswitching in my work to help show somebody that they can be attracted to somebody who is feminine in one second, and masculine in the next. It is my attentive study of a vast amount of queer media (read: gay shit) that allows me to do this improv crowd work, lol, on my streams, and my media production experience that allows me to bring it to life with some quality in my horny short films as a one-man production team. I am not a doctor but my body and my trans joy is in part the result of advanced medical research, that was only fought for and made available to my generation recently, and is in danger of belong revoked for those who have it again now in my country after the last election. The nazi’s first book burning was medical literature on transsexual healthcare. The visibility of my little cock is incredibly important to me. His right to reach the eyes of every one who wants to feast upon him. For this trans guy to continue to have the right to be who he is and do as he pleases with his body happily and with safety. My body is political and I want its legacy to live on forever and inspire the transsexuals and transgender people of the future. The internet is forever right? Make it forever. Share me forever. Look at me forever. Love me forever.

I feel currently, and yearn to continue to feel, a huge amount of joy in sharing the things I find beautiful about myself and hearing them affirmed by strangers who often become vulnerable themselves to me in return- sometimes not, but sometimes there profile has their name in it, their kinks, their post or reply or like history, all of the people they follow and maybe links to accounts on other sites. Sometimes they feel so compelled to feed as close to me through the internet as they possibly can and send me images of their genitalia. Some of these pictures are poorly shot.

This is a huge amount of information and trust that thousands of people lend to me on the daily and I take that seriously. I try to be straightforward about how I’d like to approach the worker/client relationship and not mislead anybody outright about my role in the interaction, but I also have a lot of fun making use of my generally warm and friendly and open-minded personality and allow people to ask sometimes invasive or insensitive questions about, usually trans healthcare somehow but always a slightly different question somehow with patience, understanding that I’ve been used to this language for my entire adolescent and adult life and that I have selected into a position where I am “meeting” people, frequently, for whom I am the first trans person they have interacted with. For my brothers and sisters and more I owe them the grace of Madonnaesque patience. The amount of times I’ve heard some variant of “I just wanted to let you know I’m straight and I’m into you…. What do you think of that?” Like… what do you expect me to think of that????

But if one man finds himself, if one questioning person looks at me and feels not only the type of attracted that says “Oh I want to fuck him” but also the attraction that says “Oh… I want to BE him” I will have done my job. And supportive, loving, adoring, encouraging comments outnumber the offensive or ill-mannered ones by soooo much. I know it’s really hard for a lot of people, especially millennial content creators I’ve seen who have experienced hate trains and hate waves, (I haven’t really because I try not to say very much controversial stuff on twitter, at the expense of not really feeling like I weigh in at all on some issues that are really important to me, that I may be able to erm, influence my audience about I guess) to filter out negative comments but aside from when I’m live on CB, I haven’t really run into that problem too much.

I read it, I feel it, I can usually let it go. I feel well equipped to manage a number of questions about surgery, language and semantics, identify and trans manners and respect, chasers and how to try to date trans people ethically, accepting shifts in sexuality and not externalizing fear and pain about that onto trans people or invalidating them due to it, my favorite. Genuinely, I’m experienced with this one and turning people gay is my KINK that’s my SHIT I LOVE that it gets me HORNY have a whole life changing realization for me. Yeah I did that. You’ll never forget me now. You’ll learn so much more about yourself and the word now. That’s so exciting. I’ve liberated you. And I will liberate more. Insanity!!!! That’s so powerful!!!! I love it!!! I love my job!!!!!

[kenniecrazyface]

HUGE Venting below cut just fyi. (This is mostly for me to try and write my thoughts out)

⚠️ALSO please don’t engage; I’m not trying to seek validation. Again, this is basically journaling. Sometimes, you just wanna put something out there to be heard, not responded to, ya know?❤️‍🩹

This is hilarious since my main thing is just “funny random” shitposts lmao.

I am a failure. I am below EVERYBODY else. I always make sure to remind myself every morning I wake up, and every hour of the day.

So much to say but I’m not good at writing stuff. Ig what’s bothering me right now is that things are suddenly just FLOPPING on Twitter. Idk if it’s because people are migrating to blue sky, the algorithm, or what.

(And the thing is, I am AWARE of the fact that it’s dumb to base your self worth on “internet points and likes”. But my whole life has ALWAYS been about numbers; weather it be OCD, getting the right number on the scale when I was at the peak of my Ed, or followers/likes.)

I know I make a ton of just, shitpost stuff, but sometimes I WANT to at least try and make something actually meaningful. But everytime I do, nobody cares about it. Maybe I’m damned to only be the “funny person” It definitely tells me that I am the absolute bottom of the barrel, and I am instantly humbled. Feeling even a little bit proud of myself, or thinking something I made looks ok feels WRONG. I am NOT talented. I am NOWHERE near as good as actual artists, and I never will be. I am unworthy. Maybe I’m destined to fail. What did I do wrong to never be able to taste success? At least I know that my reward at the end will be great.

I put a lot of time into it even if it doesn’t look like it. Hell, even the shitposts can take hours sometimes. ADHD is hell, and I believe it’s gotten worse as time goes on. (I DO try to get help for these things btw, but I can’t trust therapists) I see BEAUTIFUL masterpieces people make, and they say “oh this took 30 mins!” And I feel dreadful. I used to be able to do that, but idk what changed. Then all I can do is degrade myself to the point of panic attacks or tears.

Drawing is like, my only “talent” if you can call it that. That’s why even if I want to, I can’t bring myself to give up on it. I WANT to be good at it so bad. People compliment sometimes, but I know it’s fake. There’s no way I can be “good” at this. But I can’t even tell if I’m good or not. My brain distorts my art the same way it does to my body in the mirror. The only thing I have to gauge it is those damn numbers.

It seems like ALL hate i have for anything, I direct back at myself. If something bad happened to me, I definitely deserved it for SOME reason.

I may be a lost cause, but at least I can try and bring other people up. And that’s what I do. That’s why I never like sharing these bad thoughts, I never want to hurt anyone. I don’t want ANYBODY pitying me. I’ve been told I’ve been a huge help sometimes, but it’s so hard to accept that ANYTHING good can come from ME.

Maybe things will change someday. The world feels hopeless in so many ways rn. But if anyone is reading this, I promise things will be amazing for you. You have potential and a bright future ahead of you. And I envy you for that. God bless.❤️❤️❤️

[rustingcat]

tagged by @inkedroplets who tagged me in a few things now, and I forgot to answer some of them. Shame on me, but thanks for the tag, darling:)

1. What sort of content do you create, and what is the thing you’ve made that you’re most proud of?

I started with art, then began writing, then started animating, and recently uploaded a fanvid 😅

I'm proud of them all because they are all part of the progress 😌

2. What fandom(s) do you create for?

Supergirl. I'm counting my Sadie/Saskia vid as supercorp.

3. What is your current favourite ship (or brotp if you prefer), and how controversial is it?

Supercorp. And apparently a lot of people don't like them because they hated supergirl? (At least according to tumblr tags in polls. But those people also accuse them of being too straight...)

4. For your answer to question 3, are they canon?

They are in my heart. Also, I feel that their last conversation was as close to canon as they could get.

5. What was your first fandom, and how old were you?

I was deep into Harry Potter for a long while in my life. That's what got me into fanfiction and tumblr. I still have a sweet spot for what it represented to me in my childhood and the stuff I took away from it despite the actions of some extreme lady.

6. What is your most unhinged fandom creation to date?

My Twilight Au fic 🤣

Was written as a parody, but somehow ended up being way too wholesome.

The power of pasta is my one crack fic, so there's also that.

7. Do you remember what started you off creating fandom content, and if so, what was it?

I was an avid consumer for years, but it was all thanks to the Supergirl fandom that I dared to try and create something. I was in the process of coming out and accepting myself for who I am, which, despite being in a very open and accepting environment and family, was really hard on me. Both the show, and especially the fandom, were what helped me not only to come out but also to see it in a positive light. It made me understand the meaning of pride, and I am forever grateful for that. That's why I decided to dedicate my time to creating stuff myself as thanks to this amazing community and to do my best to keep it active.♥️

8. Do you let people you know in real life see your fandom creations?

Some, yes. I have a few friends who know I write, but had not read any of my stuff. I have a few I share my art with, though.

9. How do you feel about fanworks of fanworks? Has anyone ever made something based on a thing you made?

Someone wrote a fic based on my art a while ago, and I'm still excited about it!

10. What feeling do you most often try to evoke with your creations?

Depends on the content. Each piece has its own purpose. I try to aim for fluff, but I've been told I accidentally write a lot of angst... oops?

11. Has someone ever paid your work a compliment (in any form) that has stuck with you, and what was it?

I'm always excited when fandom friends tell me they like my stuff. Or just anyone in general. It just warms my heart.

12. What’s your favourite thing someone else has made that you’ve seen in the last 24 hours (and link it if you can find it again!)

Have you read the most recent space log update? It's pretty cool...

13. Give a small sneak preview of something you’re working on right now (eg a couple of sentences of fic from a WIP, a gif set theme, a small piece of a larger picture, whatever you feel happy to share)

"Alex, you're saying that as if we're not literally standing at the entrance of a school for fairies." Kara said as she rested her hand on the handle of her large blue suitcase.

"Fair point."

"It is ridiculous, isn't it? Like, fairy collage, it just sounds so…"

"Bizarre?" Alex raised an eyebrow as a small chuckle escaped her lips.

Kara sheepishly nodded.

"Well, yes. Very. But that's our lives now, I suppose," Alex shrugged and shoved her hands in her jeans's pockets.

"You mean my life. You're going to badass school for ass kicking," Kara teased her sister.

Because apparently I'm not done making AUs based on questionable IPs.

And a bit of my card game AU:

Lena was the one to drag Andea to sneak out of school for a change. Only unlike her best friend, Lena didn't drag her out to a party or to drink alcohol, but instead to the local game shop where she could learn more about that mysterious game. Andrea wasn't as excited as her, but reluctantly agreed (if only to get out of trigonometry class). Fight for Justice, while being a bit too cheesy, Lena couldn't deny the strange allure of the name. She was fascinated to learn the different ways the game could change from moment to moment, the various objectives one can approach to win the game, and she couldn't help but absolutely adore the art on each and every card.

14. Have you ever seen/read anything made by the person who tagged you? If so, what was it and what was your favourite thing about it? (pick a favourite if there are several)

Rich girl with issues is a masterpiece, and you should all go read it!

15. Do you leave comments on fandom works, and if so how would you describe your comment style?

I try to always comment, and especially on stuff I like. I don't think I have a specific style tho😅

16. How many works in progress do you currently have? Will you finish them all?

I have about 12 that I actively started, but more that are in the concept phase. Ideally, I'll finish them all eventually.

17. what’s the longest it’s ever taken you to finish a fandom project?

It's been almost 2 years since I started The Art Of The Game. I'm close to the end, but it's been a while...

18. Describe the thing you made most recently in a way that is technically true, but also completely misleading. Link the thing if it’s published!

The hottest new trailer for the film we all have been waiting for;)

19. Do you ever engage with fanworks for a fandom you’re not in? Which one(s) and how did you get into it?

I feel like a foreigner when I see stuff from other fandoms, and I usually don't know enough about it to interact with it.

20. Recommend a fan work from your fandom to your followers

@awaitingrain has some really amazing artwork with adorable chibi designs! I'd recommend checking out her stuff!

Suggested tag list, but there are no rules here, follow your heart.

@eqt-95 @fazedlight @autisticlenaluthor @snowydragonscave @missluthorwillseeyounow @luthordamnvers have fun;)

[a-teacup-of-golden-cracks]

tw this is a trauma post but it's also a narrative I'm proud of. Suicide and self harm (mental and physical) will be mentioned.

To help those who aren't me understand, I think in part in references since it is both easier and more fun than creating original thoughts.

(1): reference to the videogame Omori

(2): reference to the movie The Dark Knight (take a guess as to why I like and relate to the joker)

(3): reference to a song I like (in order, HOPE by NF, Somewhere I Belong by Linkin Park, Love the Subhuman Self by AISHA, Arc System Works, and Jamison Boaz)

(4): a random saying I heard and enjoyed

“No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes. No one knows what it's like to be hated, to be fated to telling only lies”

“Behind blue eyes” by The Who

Welcome to the nonsensical abyss of my mind, you've been here as long as you can remember (1). By reading this you're getting to see my thoughts without translation. Nothing here makes sense to anyone except me, I make references others rarely understand. But allow me to tell the story of how what you see now came to be. You wanna know how I got these scars (2)? “I spent years of my life holdin’ on to things I never should've kept, full of hatred, years of my life wishin I was someone different looking for some validation.” (3)

Middle school was a special sort of subtle hell for me, it stole things without me noticing. First it was my feeling of impervious safety when a kid laughed at a genuine heartfelt remark I made. Then it was my trust that friends would never betray me and always respect me when they wouldn't stop making jokes at my expense. Slowly, steadily I descended into paranoia and loneliness, and thus my contentedness with life was stolen. The ax forgets yet the tree never does(4).

A secret hidden issue that I only found out this year was that the ADHD meds I needed to take to function may have been causing the paranoia to start with. I still don't know how to feel about that, that all my issues and trauma might stem from something that's not even real.

Once I started high school it became more and more apparent that nobody liked me. At least not for very long. I never learned to function in middle school so I was still struggling with what everyone else already knew and mastered. Giving a compliment and sexual harassment, would you like to know the difference? I would've but nobody told me until after I'd been punished.

Intent vs impact, I never intended to hurt anyone yet my impact was that I did more often than not. So I cut off the things that hurt people, removed them from my mind. Who needs humor? Not me if I can't use it right. Who needs to give compliments? Not me if I can't say it right. Who needs to hug people to show affection because it's your primary love language and you want to show everyone how much you like and appreciate them? …… not me…. if I must…. to not hurt them…

You see where my inner pain starts now? Where the scars in my mind begin? There were two things I could never bear to cut and slice away, my name and my kindness. Most trans people change their names to align more with their gender but I decided no. I am done changing things for other people to accept me more, they never do. My name is Daniel and it's the sum of my entire being. If I am non-binary, or a woman, or some eldritch horror that everyone fears and that has lost every shred of humanity because of the things I've endured, then my name represents all of that. It's not my issue if people make a poor assumption about my name because of what they think it should be.

Maybe I don't even want to be human anymore if all that humans have shown me is hate. All throughout high school it was nothing but hate or dislike shown to me, barely any kindness outside of my family. So I isolated myself from everyone, to avoid those who hated and to not burden my family with my issues. I'd handle it by myself like I always had in the past and I'd be ok.

I was not ok.

I was rageful. I was tearing myself apart more and more and more internally, only my desire to never hurt anyone kept me from tearing the school down brick by brick with all the students inside it. But maybe… could it be I was the exception and the problem? Could it be I'm the one who deserves to hurt for the pain I've caused? Should I hurt myself? And so I tried once, a good solid punch to the forehead that didn't make me feel any better and never tried again.

The pain I deserved wasn't physical, it was mental and so I gave myself infinite mental pain. What an idiot I was for giving that compliment when clearly in retrospect it was sexual harassment, what a dumbass I was for saying that joke, looking back I deserve to lose my entire friend group over it. Maybe I'd be better off if I didn't exist anymore if I caused more harm than good and could never seem to learn or improve. The thoughts I had then… and sometimes still now… it's so hard to remember that looking into the past makes everything obvious in the worst ways possible…

But there was a light eventually, someone who told me all that was wrong. Someone I met online and will never see in person, someone I messed up horribly with and yet she still forgave me. Thank you infinitely June. You showed me that monsters can be good.

So I steeled my resolve and used my rage at myself to look inward and outward and found that I was being mistreated and misunderstood. I shouldn't kill myself to not exist or hurt people because I would improve and I could make others improve. So I stood at the very last meeting in front of the whole school and spoke the truth of my mind with as much respect and rage as I could muster. So much pain and anger and hate and sadness I'd endured and I showed all of it to the entire high school of 300 people.

I've never felt more satisfied in my life than when the headmaster of the school himself asked if there was anything he could do for me and I said no. I've never felt more proud when I met with him two days later and asked for a neurodivergent support group to be created for the middle and high school, and he said yes. Half a year later my brother told me that the headmaster stuck to his word and did more than I asked. I never felt more vindicated than when I was told by my only friend that he'd heard people making school shooter jokes after I stood up and told my story.

And so I started to heal. My humor, I did need that. How could I be happy if I could never make myself laugh? My desire to give joy and be kind, I needed that. How could I not fulfill the purpose in life I'd made for myself? My ability to hug and love and be happy with others, I needed that. Desperately. “I want to heal, I want to feel what I thought was never real, like there was somewhere I belong.”(3) I just needed to find better people who understood. I reconnected with my family and told my pain and tried in every possible way to show how sorry and sad I was for cutting them off. I couldn't stitch the old bits back onto me but maybe I could grow something new. Something I wanted and I loved, for me.

I can never fully heal, that's why you see the holes in my form, but I've incorporated them now, so that they help me as much as they hurt. I carry on and love my subhuman self, accept me for me and go back to being with humans (3). I give them the kindnesses I can but only after I do that for myself. This is the kindness and respect I give to me, the biggest change I made, because I deserve it as much as everyone else. Now close your eyes and you'll leave this dream (1).

“But my dreams, they aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be.”

Behind Blue Eyes by the Who

[finniestoncrane]

Heyo finnie!! Congrats on 1500 I'm so proud of you! I hope you have fun with this event and don't burn yourself out! You deserve nothing but the best! 💚💚

Anywho, I'm here for a blind date..., I've never been on one before but always been interested lol.

So...I know you already know like probably WAY TOO MUCH about me (more than you cared to EVER know lmao)and we're kinda similar hehe BUT I'm gonna try and describe myself for you anyhow lol

I'm a 24 year old woman who is often described as thoughtful, wise, and genuine. If I'm not writing, I'm drawing or vice versa. I'm usually creating or working on something! My interests often vary but they're usually centered around cartoons and comics! I love video games even though depending on the console I'm shit at them but enjoy the concepts and art that goes into them nonetheless! Basically I'm a socially anxious mess of a nerd that's trying her best lmao.

Hope this is decent enough that was really hard🥴😂

💜 blind date 💜 the kitchen is now closed! 🔞minors dni🔞 • masterlist • kofi link • tag: finnie1500 (to follow or to block) a/n: there were so many options i could have picked from ri but i knew in my heart EXACTLY who to send you on a date with💚

"Hello, and welcome to the Vill-Inn! Your date has been here getting things ready. I hope you weren't in the mood for soda and burgers, because he's ordered tiny sandwiches and a pot of tea for the table..."

As you approach your table, your date stands up and takes off his top hat, holding it in both hands in front of him nervously as he introduces himself.

"It's so wonderful to meet you! I'm Jervis."

You can tell he's impressed that he's made it through the whole sentence without stammering, and it's hard not to offer him a warm smile in return for his charming grin, punctuated by his protruding overbite.

He's quick to try and get to know you, but equally forthcoming about himself. And he mentions repeatedly how nice it is to have someone who is so polite and attentive, willing to give him so much attention.

Jervis is also extremely interested in your writing and art, especially taken by how creative you are. Like you have invented worlds to escape into on a whim.

"Why, you could have created as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

And when you broach the subject of Lewis Carroll, he's entranced by your knowledge, how much you know, how bright your eyes are when you talk about it. Which by the way, don't think he hasn't noticed your blonde hair and blue eyes. You'd make a wonderful Alice, truly. And though he wants to compliment you, he really is struggling to find the words.

"You do look marvellous, my dear. But I'm finding it difficult to put it into words. I think I could, if only I knew how to begin."

When you blush at his words, so poetic, so charming, he's completely besotted. Shy, unaware of how magnificent you are? It would be very easy for him to swoop in and claim you as his own.

For what feels like forever, he listens, eyes wide and holding his chest, as your tell him about your love of comics, games, and cartoons. Wonderous, joyous hobbies, escapism with whimsy, something he is familiar with himself.

The wait staff interrupt you though, and you realise that they're cleaning up around you. You wonder how long you've been talking, commenting on how it feels like only a moment you've spent with him. It's silly, but you tell him you hope that you haven't talked too much, or wasted the time to get to know him more as he was listening to you.

"If you knew time as well as I do, or how deeply intrigued by you I am, then you wouldn't talk about wasting it."

[nashdoesstuff]

! welcome to my blog !

BEFORE YOU READ:

I STAND WITH PALESTINE. ZIONISTS, GET OFF MY BLOG.

DNI LIST: queerphobic folk, terfs, supporters of @/calcium-cat, people who use religion as a reason for bigotry, zionists/supporters of israel, racists, nazis/neonazis, aspec exclusionists, islamophobic folk, white supremacists, ableists, pedos/zoos, nsfw blogs [i’m a minor and don’t want to see these, nothing against y’all], bigots, extremist antishippers [e.g y’all that participate in callouts, go to askboxes/comments to yap about why proshipping is wrong], irl folk that i didn’t give auth to see/int w/ my blogs and overall just assholes in general. don’t talk to me please and thank you

i absolutely love shattered dream and i understand that some people don’t like his character but if one of those reasons/the reason why is “he canonically cannot exist!!!!1!” please don’t talk to me lmao. if you know who they are you’ve been digging in the utmv fandom and you should know we’re BUILT on fanon content so. stfu you guys actually make me upset

i’m also cringe asf and i’m quite proud of it, so if you’re here to tell me i’m cringe you’re 100% correct and it’s a compliment <3

greetings! i go by both nash and ashara, and i run this blog! i'm a multi-media creator, who ranges from writing, drawing, and crafting. a lot of people know me for hosting the dream tournament alongside others in the future.

i have an unset post schedule and mostly just reblog, but you'll see me posting original content every now and then!

click on keep reading to know more about me :]

~ ABOUT ME ~

i'm a creator of which specializes in the UTAU community and various other miscellaneous things. you can find a brief description of me under my tag on my blog page, but here i am in detail!

~ my name is nash/ashara. ~ i'm enby and go by they/them pronouns! [i may like pink and dresses and heels and makeup, but that doesn’t do anything to make my gender identity any less important. please don’t invalidate my identity because i depict myself in feminine fashions please and thank you] ~ i'm a proud puertorican and speak both spanish and english. ~ i’m neurodivergent and have an anxiety disorder so if i act strangely i promise it’s nothing against you, just let me know as i just may be panicky </3 ~ my time zone is EST [Eastern Standard Time]. ~ my birthday is on the 27th of october! ~ want to help me reach some personal goals? consider checking out my notes goal post! ~ a proud shattered dream supremacist, i selfship w him and i am self-declared his ultimate fan <3 ~ when i say i love shattered i love them. they’re my entire personality btw. literally the character i wish i could talk to irl btw. [you see them a lot here just warning you now /silly] ~ i have various otps, my main few being shink/dark drink [shattered x ink], bleam/dreamberry [dream x blue/swap], the ineffable husbands, dreamling [morpheus x hob], and kross [killer x cross] ~ i love all alternative genres and rock! although, i’ve been listening to a lot of chappell roan recently :] ~ i have a bit of an addiction to hot chocolate and sweet tea. ~ i’m a debate and theatre kid! ~ i'm an infp! my dominant function is introverted feeling. [Fi] ~ once you get me hooked onto something, you will not know how to get me to shut up. ~ i do not identify as a proshipper, nor do i support ships deemed as ‘proships’, but i will not stand for heavy ship discourse or harass those who do. i will stand up for proshippers getting harassed for shipping what they want to ship. i believe fiction is fiction, and those who wish to express it with proper warnings shouldn’t be harassed by people who don’t like their art/content. fight me. ~ i try to keep my asks open, but if they get out of hand anons will be turned off and/or i'll just close them.

what are my tags?

i typically do not check my tags, but anything i post and/or affiliate myself with you'll find under the tag of my username [#nashdoesstuff] or #nash's shenanigans [this tag is used for my original posts.] i also have my fandom tags! ↳ #nash's ineffable obsession is my good omens tag! [check #good omens, as well] ↳ #nash's spiderverse addiction is my spiderverse tag! ↳ #nash's tremendous tunes is my music tag for anything music related, including artists [like gorillaz, lovejoy, tally hall, etc], musical theatre and more! ↳ my utau tag is #utmv stuffs! ↳ my doctor who tag is #nash’s time in the tardis! for any friend or mutual interactions, look for #friend!! or #mutual!!

if there is any content you want me to see, tag me! [@nashdoesstuff]

do you have any more blogs?

i have my swap!cult au ask blog, @swap-cult-au! for any info on that au or asks for its characters and/or story, head there. i also have an account explicitly for tournaments. this account is @nashdoestournaments. feel free to send asks about any of the tournaments i host there! i have a roleplay blog for some of my characters, which is @nashs-au-rpblog. if you want to learn more about my ocs and characters, head here! my oc vou has a separate ask blog [@ask-vou]! do ask them questions there <3 also related to ocs, crest and his group has their own askblog, @ask-crests-gang! feel free to visit the castle if you’d like :)

do you have any characters?

yes i do! i have vou, my main shattered!dream variant and rêve, a positive guardian incarnate who’s apart of a universe me and my pal @/denieatsart share. i also have crescent, or crest, who is my main nightmare variant. i do have more characters of which i plan on publicizing in the future. [p.s., you should totally ask me about them /gen/silly/nf/np] the aforementioned ocs have tags! to look for them on my blog, search “#renevou!shattered”, “#rêve”, and “#crest” or “#crescent”!

oh also i have a main sona. here they are if ya wanna doodle em

aside from characters, i have the primary fic series i’m working on called the doctor and his demonic companion, following a heartbroken crowley becoming the doctor’s companion. the opening fic is yet to be finished, but you can find it on my ao3!

what about the dream tournament?

right now, the dream tournament is on hiatus until i get the motivation to host it again. the dream tournament is an annual event i host. it is a recreational bracket made to determine the best utau dream au of that year. the original one was hosted on this account, but now it had transferred to my tournament account. i answer asks about the original tournament on this account, but otherwise everything goes to the other account.

if you are looking for brackets and results on the first polls, refer to the announcement post. if you are looking for content on the original DT, refer to the Dream Tournament Masterpost, which contains all fan-made content for the event. you can also search the tag #dream tournament to find all content made for the tournament over time!

do you have a discord server?

though i don't have a personal server, i do moderate [with the help of @/consumeroflemoans and other community mods] a small utmv roleplaying server that's open for all to join! the join invite is right here if interested <3

here are my fandoms!

~ undertale mv [utmv] ~ good omens [fuck gaiman!!!] ~ doctor who ~ chappell roan ~ david tennant in general ~ mlp g4, i guess! ~ our flag means death ~ the sandman [fuck gaiman!!!] ~ my ocs? other fandoms i like [inactive but enjoy] ~ ddlc ~ will wood [tapeworm era and post tapeworm era only] ~ maaybbeee fo:e? backburner for now ~ tally hall and its associated projects ~ gorillaz ~ the spiderverse ~ avatar: the last airbender [atla] ~ harry potter [fuck jkr‼️] ~ musicals like hamilton, wicked, heathers, six, bettlejuice, dear evan hansen, mean girls, etc.

i usually don't associate myself with anything aside from what's listed here. please don't request content from me that are from unlisted fandoms.

thanks for slipping by, and enjoy your stay on this chaotic side of tumblr called nash's blog!

last updated 1/24/25

s!dream dividers by @/sister-lucifer. other userboxes except for last 7 not mine

[steddieas-shegoes]

Hey! Once you get this, you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. Then you have to send this to ten of your favourite followers. (Only if you want to, of course!❤️)

Sorry it’s taken so long to get to this!!!! @steddiesmuttyseptember has kept me much busier than I planned and I’m over here running low on brain cells by the time I’m done doing what I gotta do for real life 😂

Thank you so much for sending this to me, you know how much I appreciate you and your never-ending support! ♥️ I’ve done this before but I don’t remember what I said so if I’ve said all this before, oh well.

1. My event planning organization on here. I love doing it, and I’d say I’m at least halfway decent at it by now 😂 I like running events that inspire people to write, especially if it’s their first time posting or participating in an event, or if they’ve been struggling and were inspired by a specific prompt.

2. Being the cool mom! I’m not scared to say it! Idk if it’s just because I’m 5-10 years younger than most of Liam’s friend’s moms, or if it’s just because of who I am as a person, but Liam tells me some stories and I’m just amazed. Like I let him doodle on his homework and his hand because he’s 1) a very good artist and 2) not hurting anything and his friend said her mom once took away her tablet for drawing on her hand in pen. Like??? In pen??? That washes off??? Girl be so for real. But anyway, I’m pretty proud of the fact that I let Liam experience being a kid.

3. My sports photography has gotten better this season 😂 I am Liam’s hockey team’s media person (this is not a paid job I’m just dumb as hell and volunteered) and I don’t even have a decent camera. But I do have a basic concept of editing images to make them look like they’re professional. And also the coach hardly plays half the kids so I have to get creative getting pictures of them.

4. I try to put one physical thing on these lists because I’m always very harsh on myself with that stuff, so I’ll say my eyes. They are blue as fuck and it’s my most complimented feature by a long shot. I get the “are those real?” question often. Babe, I’m half blind and if the sun is even slightly out I need sunglasses; They’re real 😂

5. My bang fic! Does this count? I’ve been working on it for so long, it feels like a part of myself at this point 🤣 I’m really proud of it. It’s the first time I’ve put so much work into outlining something, writing something, editing something, etc. The fact that it starts posting Friday feels unreal.

Thank you so much again ♥️

[typingdyslexiaisathing]

Waking Up To An Angel (Trigun AU Royalty) fanfiction part 4

content: Breakfast with King Nai and Prince Vash brings up multiple topics of importance. With Marsaili adding to the discussion despite her amnesia. Established relationships. Casual talk. Talk about politics and change. Setting up character introductions.

Prince Vash took great care with helping me out of the tub and into a huge towel. His arms cradling me in his lap as Agrias and Alma saw to getting me dried off. We soon chose to place my hair in a simple braid to keep it out of my way. Which Vash insisted on doing himself as my twin ladies in waiting chose my outfit for the day. My angel kept humming the same tune as he worked on braiding my hair. Which had me ask with soft words, "You must really love that song."

Vash paused to then chuckle openly. "Yes. I do. It was a song my adopted mother used to sing all the time. Rem just loved that song and would sing it whenever she was happy. So I got to hear all the time and every single day." My eyes closed as I heard the love and grief in the words of this angel. His hands soon working at pinning the braid into a bun at the back of my head. "Rem may be gone. Yet I know she is smiling at us whenever we make a good moment last or show kindness to others. So I give my every effort to be kind and patient with those in my care." I felt the weight of those words to reach my hands up and take his fingers in mine. "Vash. You truly are an angel at heart. Those who I have seen so far hold great respect and love for you. I am sure Rem is proud of you."

I felt the wetness against the back of my neck as Vash went quiet. So I turned myself around to hug him tight. Which he gave back just as tightly before he sighed against my neck. "Marsaili... Thank you... But now that we've got your hair all done, we should move to getting you all dressed up and ready for the breakfast with Nai." I nodded for Vash to lift me up and carry me into the bedroom. Where Agrias and Alma had set out a dress done in white and dark green. The top holding fluffy long sleeves for the bottom to be simple. With Vash setting me onto my feet to then steady me as I struggled to keep my balance. Which had Agrias frown as Alma brought over my undergarments. The one lady sighing to shake her head. "As I feared. Vash. You will have to stay right where you are. Marsaili isn't able to balance well enough to stand on one foot for this. Keep your hands to her waist and let her lean back into you." Vash nodded for the towel to fall away from me. Making Vash freeze to then give a hard gulp of noise. Which had Agrias and Alma look highly amused as I looked up at him. His whole face was a deep red as he blinked to then look away from me in haste to stammer out, "Sorry! Sorry... It's just... You're so gorgeous and I feel so lucky to... Well... I mean..." I caught on to smile and take the obvious compliments and implications with warmth. So I didn't tease him as Agrias and Alma helped me get into my undergarments and underdress with Vash helping to keep me balanced.

I was soon in my full dress to have Alma give me a careful twirl for Vash and Agrias. Both of them smiling and clapping for a knock to sound at the bedroom door. So Agrias literally just shoved Vash over so he would look like he just entered from his own bedroom. The door to the hall opening for a man with blue hair and simple robes to enter. His gaze looking us over to then frown with vehemence. "Honestly. What is Prince Vash doing in Princess Marsaili's room when she has not yet fully dressed?" Agrias bowed the same time as Alma for Vash to get that nervous smile on his face again. So I answered for us. "But I'm as dressed as I'm going to get. Especially when I have no real reason to be wearing any shoes in my own room. So who are you to judge or question such, may I ask?" the man blinked a few times as Vash and my ladies in waiting went quiet. Yet my answer came when King Nai walked up to stand beside the man and speak. "This is Legato Bluesummers. My personal advisor and the current overseer of the royal council. He's also my closest friend and someone you tend to endlessly enjoy antagonizing."

I looked from Nai to Legato and back again. A vague sense of familiarity drifting up to then float away from me. So I shook my head to then give a bow to King Nai and his advisor. "I'm so sorry. But I don't remember you, Legato. Perhaps that is a good thing for now." Legato looked shocked for a fraction of a second before a mask of stoic wisdom overtook his whole being. Shaking his head to simply state with rich tones, "I have no reason to hold a loss of memory against someone in recovery from such a terrible injury. But I would insist that you not push yourself or do anything dangerous or bold for the next few weeks. We've already got enough to deal with as it is." Vash moved to soon stand beside me and wrap an arm around me. While Nai and Legato entered the room in full for several servants to bring in trays of food to the circular table. With Agrias and Alma bringing in chairs from Vash's room to then sit themselves at a little table to the side of ours. I was going to ask them to sit with us. but then I lost the chance to say much when Wolfwood came into the room at a brisk jog. Looking like he was in a hurry to dust himself off and smile at us with that smirk of mischief. "Nobody in the lower ranks of the guard have made a peep about Marsaili waking up. Neither have the castle staff or the merchants on the main streets. But there is a new rumor that we've called in Joyce for her to try waking Marsaili with witchcraft. Something I've had little to no success in squashing from spreading around."

Legato closed his eyes as Nai rolled his with emphasis. While Vash went pale to grit his teeth as Wolfwood walked up to take a seat at our table. The servants pouring tea and setting out plates of food as Nai rubbed at his eyes a moment. "Once again I will have to deal with the inquisitors over a ridiculous rumor about our Joyce. It's highly vexing that someone keeps spreading such lies about her." I nodded to then look down at my plate. Which had wheat porridge with honey and some cinnamon on it. As well as sliced apples and some grapes. While the men all had rye bread with cheese, eggs, and bacon as well as pear compote. Which had me frown as Vash sat himself next to me and took a gulp of his tea. Legato began his delving into the meal by saying a prayer of patience for the oncoming day. Which I felt everyone mimic before I added a few words of thanks and hope for some good weather. But soon Wolfwood paused to then smirk at me. "I know that look anywhere. Marsaili. What's bothering you." I felt my face heat a little as I looked around the table. "I just... Was wondering why I got something different than the rest of you. But I shouldn't be so picky about what I get to eat. It's rude of me."

All four men blinked at me to then have three of them smile that warm and knowing smile. The only one to not smile being Legato as he answered me. "Joyce made it very clear to start you off with easy to digest foods. Since you haven't really been eating solid foods for two months straight. Mind you. Agrias and Alma were able to coax you to drink tea and broth as well as special herbal tonics their cousin sent over from the seaside. As such, you need to take things slow and get used to heavier foods in slow increments. Honestly, the fruit might be pushing things in my estimation." I understood the sense in that to nod and have some of the porridge. Which tasted heavenly but was really thick to swallow. So Vash leaned in to help me by holding my cup of water for me to drink. His words sweet and full of love as he told me, "Slow is best right now, my pearl. I would hate for you to end up getting a stomach ache just after waking up. But I promise we will make you a good meal of your favorite things once you've fully recovered."

I thought about that to then say with direct boldness, "Okay. But I want for Joyce to be with us when we do. She's been helping me recover and we should show her our support and appreciation. It wouldn't feel right otherwise." Nai smiled at me to nod his head as Wolfwood chuckled to take a huge bite of bacon. So Vash hummed his pleasure to then give me a kiss on the cheek. "Yes. That's a fantastic idea. Even if she tries to insist she isn't worth the fuss. I agree that Joyce should be included in that celebration. In fact..." Vash turned to Nai to get that thoughtful tone to his voice. "I move to place Joyce as our head of medicine at the college next to the castle. I know there will be upheaval over having an old woman as the head of any school. But Joyce is the most knowledgeable healer in the entire region. With the next best one being the cousin of Agrias and Alma we met. Many other nations have come to realize that gender means little when it comes to learning and skills. So we should show our willingness to accept such change in this way."

Legato looked like hit bit into a pebble to then sigh. his words holding barely contained patience. "Prince Vash. Such would be a rather drastic motion to enact right now. Especially with the rumors of witchcraft being in the mix. Joyce might end up becoming the center of a kingdom wide scandal. One that would give our political and territorial enemies a prime means of sabotaging the court and our efforts to maintain order." But Nai closed his eyes to then nod. His tap on the table sounding much like a gavel hammering into the wood. "Or we openly challenge this baseless rumor with our move to have Joyce as the head of the medical college. With adding several dozen women to the list of teachers and students on top of it. Cementing our intention right out the gate. As well as promoting other skilled women we know into better positions and overseeing their careers. I know for a fact that one woman is more than capable of being in the elite knights brigade. She's sitting in this very room."

I went wide eyed for Agrias to give a long sigh of air as Alma squeaked out loud. Which had Wolfwood grin with pure delight as Agrias groaned in her seat. "You sadistic opportunist. I already told you that I want to stay at Marsaili's side as a lady in waiting. not be out in the barracks swinging a naginata around and getting slammed into the mud by asses without tails." Legato choked on his tea to cough and sputter as both Wolfwood and Vash burst out laughing. While Nai just smiled to keep his gaze to Agrias as she waved a hand in the air. Her words pointed as she stated, "You can put my name down into the hopefuls for the brigade. But I will return every bruise and bump I get from proving myself on you during training matches you hold with them. Only warning you get, Nai." This had Wolfwood pause to then go quiet as Nai nodded his head. Only for Vash to ask with some thoughtful warmth, "Then I want to put down a name for a teacher here in the castle. Someone who is exceptional at gardening, cooking, and the trade of an apothecary." Wolfwood stilled to then blush as he said the name for me. "Lemme guess. Lady Margaret Joanna Adelha Mathilde. The last living heir to the Mathilde clan of the neighboring ally nation and extended family to the much fabled Currier clan that Agrias and Alma are apart of by adoption. How did I know you'd be looking to have the Currier clan coming back here on a more official capacity?" Vash grinned bright as the sun as I paused in having more water. My words shy as I asked, "Would someone explain to me what and who you mean?"

Nai and Legato spent the rest of breakfast telling me about the Currier clan. How they are from the mountain regions of the neighboring allied nation. With the Lady Mathilde being the last member of a clan from a small island that was part of that same nation due to most of the clans of that kingdom dying out. The head of the Currier clan was a man by the name of Eugene Xavier Currier. Who was the cousin of Lady Mathilde's father. How she had lost her parents at the age of ten to be brought under the protection of Earl Currier to also have been given the title of Countess. She was also the prized student of a close friend of Earl Currier. That being a Baron by the name of Claude Zander Gaugain. Who was the apparent hopeful to be taking over as the head of the military school Nai had been having built close to the castle grounds. Vash also went on to tell me how we had met all of them years ago during the search for a marriage prospect for himself and for Nai. That Eugene had brought his own daughter Magdeline while Claude had escorted Adelha. All for them to make a huge impression on Nai, Vash, Wolfwood, and the people of our nation with their kindness and compassion. There was also rumors that had sprung up that Vash or Nai would be choosing to wed either Magdeline or Adelha as the months during the search for good matches went on. Yet they had instead forged alliances and trade agreements between their nations instead for Vash to sweep Marsaili up and right to the altar. A feeling of nostalgia washing over me as an image came to mind. That of a woman with cascading waves of silver white hair and a sculpted face. Eyes of the most striking azure blue. Yet she was smiling at me to pin a rose into my hair for me as she told me to charge ahead and claim my prince. That Vash would do the same to follow my lead to a future together. The image drifting away as I came back to the now.

All the men had finished their meals to look highly satisfied. With Vash looking down at my own plate to look worried. "Marsaili? Is everything okay? You only ate half of the porridge." I looked down to see he was right. But I simply had another bite to then smile at my angel and answer. "Just pacing myself. You all did tell me to take things at a slow pace." Legato got a split second look of amusement before he got up to turn away from me and speak up. "She really has lost her memory. Since the last time we suggested something that made sense, she was adamant at not following advice. In any case. I will see to finding the members of the council for us to inform them of our decisions. Agrias. You will follow Wolfwood to be outfitted with suitable armor for your position in the brigade. That will not be up for anyone to debate in my book. Especially when you've won a dozen combat tournaments already. Skill is what matters. They need to have that truth firmly set in front of them." Agrias gave a sigh to then stand and let Wolfwood escort her by the arm out the door. While Nai directly pointed at Vash to then point to the bed. "As for you. Vash. You already told us you plan to stay with Marsaili indefinitely. So I will just bring the paperwork for you to sign later. Today, you are going to help Alma with Marsaili's therapy. But don't overdo anything."

Vash nodded to then wait until Legato had walked out of the room. Then he just scooped me up and into his lap to cuddle me a bit. Which had me smile and hum in sheer delight as the kitchen staff moved to collect the empty plates and cups. Nai smiled as well as Vash grinned at me to say with pure love, "Gladly. I will make absolutely sure that my pearl takes things slow."

[sweetmusingss]

Charles was loving where the conversation was going with the two of you before Oscar walked up and he wanted to smack the guy for being the biggest cock block ever. "Oscar..," he said a little tensely. "I didn't know that you were here," he said softly, wishing the guy was far away from the two of you now. He was enjoying flirting with you and he was feeling like he might get lucky with you tonight. But he couldn't have you getting distracted by falling into conversations with others.

Oscar shook your hand, trying to ignore the electricity that he felt from just shaking your hand. Apparently he was so deprived of a woman's touch that even a handshake was enough to get him excited. He desperately needed to get laid, hating that Lando was right. "It's nice to meet you, Renee," he said, his cheeks turning slightly pink as you complimented him. "Thank you.. P3 would have been better but Charles outperformed me today," he said, not even noticing the way the man was smiling tightly at him.

I could tell that Charles was not very happy about Oscar coming out of no where and taking my attention, especially based on the way the conversation was going, but there was something about Oscar that I liked. I didn’t want to ignore him or tell him to come back later so Charles and I could finish, I wanted to talk to him. “You both did quite well… I’m sure you were behind him by some crazy fraction of a second. I don’t know how you guys can do that math… I was horrible at math.” I giggle, smiling at him and looking over at Charles and giving him an encouraging smile, wanting him to know that I haven’t forgotten about him just because Oscar was here, looking back over at the Australian. “Do you want a drink? I’ve been trying to practice my Italian so ordering drinks is my job tonight.”

-

"You definitely do, baby. I love getting dressed up with you and I especially love a night out that is for celebrating you and your wins," I say, it having felt like so long since we had gone clubbing to celebrate a win of yours. "I am gonna have to do something really special for you when you win your fourth championship. I am so damn proud of you. You fought like hell this season. And when I drunkenly ask you to marry me in Vegas, please let me down gently," I giggle softly, knowing I was going to be even more overcome with emotion then. I was so proud of you and truly so happy to see you succeed. "I will ask Renee and Charles if they want to come tonight and of course the team definitely will," I say to you. I hadn't even thought of inviting Lando because we hadn't really been talking too much lately either. I adored him but the past few weeks had been intense and I was always going to have your back above all else.

“Do not propose to me in Vegas, I told you that’s my job and I might just do it myself so don’t my moment from me!” Max sticks his tongue out at you, laughing and squeezing you tightly again as he continues to hug you. Max nodded when you said you’d ask Charles and Renee, knowing they’d be there even if Charles was a bit pissed off with his result, and he was very appreciative of that. But it did hurt his heart a bit to know that his other best friend wouldn’t be there. He tried not to let the whole Lando thing get to him, but today it was just obvious that Lando was not happy for Max and was not going to reach out with any congratulations and that really sucked. Max always said congrats even when he was mad with the outcome, but he was older and wiser than Lando, apparently. “I can’t wait to celebrate tonight with you, baby. I can only imagine what sexy blue outfit you’re going to throw together to entice me with all night.”

[starscreamuniverse]

MAY AND JUNE 2024 EVENTS

June 15, 2024 Saturday 4:07 A.M. here in QA nakaduty ng night shift while typing this blog entry so ayun, I just want to share here in my blog mga bagay na I have experienced this May and June 2024, Last May 20, 2024, I can’t forget this because it boost my confidence ,never in my thoughts I will receive this kind of compliments from a foreigner and its a Lady okay hehe, So galing akong evening shift then the next day is morning duty, so 2 hours lang tulog ko, I am assisting this lady at work and 3 sila, and out of the blue she just asked what’s my weight? Sabi ko mga ganito, medyo surprised ako nun, then she said Good daw and then pinakamalupit na sinabi niya is You’re so Beautiful , like insist niya talaga. Then yung may kasama niya Happy lang while talking to me, then ang respond ko na lang ehh You’re Beautiful also. After nun, It made my day talaga kahit puyat ako, Usually Cute lang ang compliments na narereceived ko so this is something new to me, coming from a perspective of a stranger. Of course, I view myself pretty or beautiful as form of my Self-Love, pero iba ang feeling pag random, out of the blue they will say it to you without me trying. Kaya to this Lady, Thank you : ) You Brightened up My Day that time : ) Kileg in a different perspective.

May 22, 2024 ayun after 3 yrs removed na din si Braces ko and yung old Jocket Crown ko na dalawang tooth yun upgraded ko na sa Zirconium Crown, of course sponsored by ME : )

May 25, 2024, nagconsult ako Kay Doc Fathima, for my Impacted Wisdom tooth. Sabi ni Doc, I look young daw hehe : )

June 02, 2024, nakuha ko na yung clear retainer ko : )

June 06, 2024, 3 days sick-leave Ito, This is the day ng wisdom tooth extraction, 1hr and 30mins tinagal ng procedure. Grabe yung 3days na ito, as in buti na lang tapos na, hirap na hirap ako kumain at mag-open ng mouth. Tapos need na soft-diet lang. Yung 1st day ko ay nag-Laundry pa ako nun. Binuhat ko pa yun from 1st floor to 3rd floor kahit bagong bunot ako nun. I am proud of myself na I am able to take good care of ME, nakaready naman lahat ng need ko before the surgery like the antibiotic, pain killer at mouthwash, pati food na din, like banana, yogurt and ice-cream.

June 07, 2024, nag-order ako online ng Steam Iron dahil yung 6 yrs Kong Sharp Steam Iron ay nag-retire na, Thank you Sharp for being there for me : ) June 06, ng gabi gusto ko sana mamalantsa nun, then while trying to plug Hindi na siya gumagana. So madaling araw browse browse na ako, thinking anong brand bibilhin ko, so ayun Philips brand nabili ko look alike ni Sharp Iron. I am just so proud and happy for myself for taking the decision na bumili na lang ng bago agad kaysa mag-msg ako and mang-Hiram, may mahihiraman naman ako but I don’t know why, It’s me, being Independent mindset kicking in, na ayaw ko mag-rely ganun and mang-bother ng iba. When I Decided to order the next day, I feel so matured in a way : ) Like a I feel na I choose the right decision ganun. No need to bother people for that thing :) and the fact na I am still in Pain and swollen, kasi kakaremoved lang ng wisdom tooth ko nun.

June 13, 2024 Thursday, so ayun after a week may follow-up consultation ako Kay Doc Fathima, Pang-night shift ako nito, so 6pm umalis na ako house then punta clinic, I dressed up casually lang, but I think may dating yung get-up ko, kasi pag-pasok ko pa lang sa reception inassist agad ako, then Mabilis na check-in , then Paalis na ako nun, I think Pinag-kwentuhan Nila ako ang narinig ko lang is para siyang, so I don’t know anong karugtong nun, hopefully positive naman, but I think it’s positive. So Ayun, nakita na ni Doc ang healing ng wisdom tooth surgery ko, may konting swelling pa, then may dalawang holes sa gums ko now, but it will take 4 weeks to close, new tissue will form. Then ayun, hirap ako mag-open ng mouth like small opening lang, shock si Doctora, tinuruan niya ako mouth exercise para maopen ko widely yung mouth ko. Masakit siya kahapon, but now okay na, hirap na hirap ako i-brush yung tongue ko before kasi di ko maopen yung mouth ko kasi masakit and maga. Sabi nga ni Doc if ever napabayaan ko Ito, ganito na daw forever buti na lang may follow up consultation ako, then sa 7days ko nastock ung food sa hole ng gums. Binigyan naman ako instruction ni Doc like sa right lang ang bite pag kakain. Then irrigate ko using syringe then mouthwash and brushing na din. Basta overall consultation and experience ko kay Doc Fathima as a patient, 10/10, nagagalingan ako Kay Doc, kasi well explained niya regarding sa case ko, then mag-advice pa siya sa akin how to gain weight keme, sinasabi nga niya sa akin Hindi ko line Ito pero, eat daw ako mga egg ganun, eat more daw eklat. Now na naiintindihan ko na Lord Kaya that time na Hindi matuloy tuloy sa Pinas itong wisdom tooth extraction ko 2 yrs ago, Kay Doc Fathima pala talaga ako nakadestined magpa-bunot at covered pa ng Insurance at may Sick leave pa. Unlike if natuloy sa Pinas, consume yung vacation leave ko plus personal expenses pa siya. Galing talaga ni Lord : )

Then after ng check-up Kay Doc, punta ako grocery, I am so happy lang for myself kasi yung laman ng grocery cart ko Hindi na pero junk food, I am really trying to be healthy and get healthy talaga. For ME, MYSELF, SELF-LOVE : )

So ayun, finally nailabas ko na din mga thoughts ko in my head, I feel so satisfied right now, and I must admit, for the past 6yrs na nandito ako sa QA now ko lang naeenjoy yung SOLO Lifestyle ko, Ewan ko, basta nabibili ko naman mga needs ko and sometimes wants din. I will make a separate post about it hehe, So ayun, Thank you Lord, for all the blessings : )

[youngcroissantturkeyworribler]

Today is my B-Day. I'm 25 now. A whole quarter. A quarter of a century.

Honestly, I have nothing to show for it. I'm just a depressed layabout with nothing going. Not finance wise, not relationship wise, not even a real life friend.

I've always somehow cried during my birthday, never in a good way and I happened on this one too, when I thought I was getting over it; not looking forward or dreading it. Just accepting that it's going to happen. The day is almost over with 1 hour and 15 minutes left of it.

I did nothing like always, I didn't do the tasks I set up for myself. My parents are sweet, mom made me one of my favorite home-cooked meal and my dad got me a small chocolate cake with chocolate icing and Blue Bell ice cream. We planned to actually celebrate my birthday this upcoming weekend. My two older siblings called me, wishing me a happy birthday including my niece and younger cousin. It was going good.

I happened to come across a snippet of an episode of The Office right when I started to ask myself, "Why do I feel this way about myself? My parents, my family, my past friends, gifts and school? Why? I have their love. Why is that not enough for me? What is wrong with me? It not because I'm ungrateful. I know that the love is there, but why am I not feeling it. I feel like part of it has to do with imposter syndrome, but that not the only thing. That it not the main reason behind all of this even from a very young age when I was in elementary. What is it?"

Pam from The Office had a gallery and is very anxious about it and is her boss comes in and compliments her for it and even ask her about the pricing for her work.

"I'm really proud of you."

Pam hugs her boss and says, "Thank you."

It fucking had me crying. It fucking made sense. It all clicked into fucking place.

PRAISE. PRAISE. PRAISE. PRAISE. PRAISE.

That's what it was. That is what it always has been. Nothing else. Down to even my subconscious mind. That is what it is.

I needed the good grade in elementary and to be a good friend to my friends, all for praises and inclusion. I'm a good kid with good friends. When we moved over 30 minutes away from school and friends. Transferring to two different middle schools and high schools. New sets of friends and teachers. I had to be on top of my grades even more no excuses and be an even better friend to my friends cause I was going to leave them whither I wanted that or not. But it was always for grades and praising by teachers, parents, even strangers.

I was so proud to find out I was going to the Early College Academy at South Ridge for my high school years. I was going to get an accociates degree before I get my high school diploma. I am smart. So why was I fucking it up. Why was I on academic suspension and left at the end of my sophomore to go to a regular high school with now two nervous breakdowns? Why?

The friends I did made in high school didn't stay for more than a school year much less being one outside of the classroom. New grade new friends. New grade new classmates. No school and no friends. For the longest time I had boxes of my stuff packed up ready for us to move again.

Nowhere feels like home. Not even my own skin and body. I lost it all. I lose. It's done and over with no satisfaction. No praise.

It's over my birthday has passed with me crying. 7 years I've been out of school with nothing to show for it but an average high school diploma, no friends to call, just another weirdo hermet looking for something that isn't there. Was never there to begin with.

Without praises I lose myself. I add facts into conversations, subconsciously looking for praise. That I am good. I'm a good student, child, sibling, aunt, cousin, patient. I knew I stayed away from relationships of the romantic kind for fear of my depression, ptsd, adhd, looks, trauma, and attachment issues. Who would want to date me. Why would I want anyone to go on and deal with the process of being in a relationship with me. I am a romantic because that's what gets the relationship going and that what keeps me to myself too. That's my escapism is fantasy, x reader, x s/I because there's is no one who in a sound mind would want me.

I will never be an option to anyone, not even I would choose me.

I'm tired of changing or hiding myself for praises.

I don't know who I am.

I don't know what I want.

I am tired of fixing shit people have done to me to find some type of healing.

I tired of being a fool to hope or of love.

I tired of being scared of others.

I am tired of myself.

And it was my birthday.

[allbark-no-bite]

Sit Still || Elvis Presley x reader

summary: you wonder how Priscilla was ever able to give up Elvis, because he’s got you falling apart on his fingers. literally

warnings: 18+ smut, it’s pretty filthy

word count: 3k

author’s note: thank you all so much for 300 followers. all of the love i’ve received is incredible and i love each and every one of you. please, send requests!

I lose Elvis in a whirl storm of guests and reporters, the Colonel parading him this way and that to shake hands and smile for photos. He had kept a close eye on me for a while, holding me to his side with an arm around my waist, pressing proud kisses to my hairline whenever anyone asked after me. But as the night wore on, I'd begun to linger behind more and more until the Colonel had finally urged him away from my side, dragging him to the next throng of cameras to be shoved in his face. Though reluctant to let go of me, I'd pressed him on, saying I would be just fine on my own for a while. Which was true, I was more than happy to watch him, all bright and brilliant smiles as he greeted those that he needed to and graced others with his presence.

I smile quietly to myself when Elvis lets out a hearty laugh from across the conference room, his eyes sparkling as he firmly grasps another man's hand. It was obvious to anyone that he was made for this life and all of it's glamour. It was likely that he hardly even noticed the lack of my presence after a few moments, too immersed in the bustle of what the Colonel like to call 'snow business'.

Now alone, I am finally able to breathe. Though I enjoyed the privileges that came along with being the girl on Elvis' arm, at the end of the day, I was not made for mingling with wealthy men, smiling, and carrying on small talk and nonsensical conversations for hours on end. It was truthfully exhausting and overwhelming.

"It gets easier, you know. You do get used to it."

I turn in surprise, looking to my side, not having expected to be spoken to. Of course, I knew that I wasn't alone in a room that was already full, but typically without Elvis by my side, I could usually get a moment or two of peace.

Priscilla smiles faintly at me in amusement, speaking again in her usual gentle manner. I'd never heard her speak louder than a soft murmur, and the delicacy fit every bit of her timid personality. "You're doing well though. Not many ladies can have such class."

Adorned in a elegant baby blue pant suit, the young woman is standing just a few feet away, as though undecided on whether or not she was going to approach me. I relax my shoulders, emitting a relieved chuckle at her compliment.

"I have big shoes to fill," I admit.

At my openness, Priscilla takes the unspoken invitation to join me, and we stand together, surveying the room. "I think you're doing just fine."

Now that we're shoulder to shoulder, I look over at her. I had only ever met Priscilla a handful of times. Most of them were because of Lisa, for holidays, but she'd been pleasant company each time. Her once jet black hair is now a fair brown, and her makeup light and natural looking—my own hair is long and dark, much longer than it's ever been, and my eyes are accentuated by thick strokes of eyeliner and dramatically applied smokey eyeshadow. She's possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life, but just from the few moments in passing that I had spoken to her, it was obvious that it was her wonderful personality that Elvis had once fallen in love with.

We stand together quietly for a while, watching Elvis and his entourage from across the room. There's a cluster of young girls about him, all abiding for a second of his attention, and he gladly entertains their antics, tugging them close for photos and charming them with his smooth southern drawl. That was something I was still getting used to. There would always be girls. I just had to trust I was the only one.

Priscilla follows my gaze. There's a sort of sad smile on her face. "If you can take the heartache, he's worth it... But you know that," she relents.

I nod and bite the inside of my lip, willing away the surge of hurt and bitter feeling of betrayal that threatens to resurface. Because I know he is worth it despite all of his flaws and the hell he's put me through.

"He was the most fun I ever had," she says fondly.

Although her comment is nothing shocking—I was aware that there would always be unresolved feeling between them—it still sparks another inkling within me, one that I have shoved away many times. It was beyond me how Priscilla had seemingly managed to give him up so entirely. Elvis had consumed every part of my life, so much to the point that I knew it would be impossible to ever rid myself of him completely. And so a part of me still wondered if she was fooling all of us. Priscilla knew how to play a part, that I was certain of.

"He's doing okay now," I blurt out, having felt the need to say it, but instantly regret the words when they come out my mouth. "I–I mean just that he's gettin' better, you know... He's off the pills—for the most part... He's happy," I manage to conclude.

Priscilla just smiles warmly at me, that sad, distant look in her eyes. "I know... Good for you," she says softly, and it sounds genuine. Regretful, but genuine.

We lapse into heavy silence again. We're quite the pair, the two of us. The only women who had ever successfully captured Elvis Presley's heart.

The night goes on around us, but the animated and lively ambience of the room never dies down. At some point, well past midnight, Elvis manages to finagle his way out of any more politicking and makes his way over to me and Priscilla. There's a cheerful smile on his face, which only brightens when he spots Priscilla standing beside me.

"Cilla!" he exclaims while wrapping an arm around my waist, effectively pulling me to his side, and leans over to greet her. Priscilla graciously offers him her cheek to kiss, and he does so in stride. "The two of you girls aren't causing any trouble now?"

Priscilla smiles tightly after he's pulled away, her hands clasped together neatly in front of her. "No, just chatting. [Y/n] is wonderful company."

Looking down at me and then back to Priscilla, Elvis squeezes my hip affectionately. "The boys and I are about to sit down for a drink. Why don't ya join us, Cilla?"

I'm sure that at some point in her life, if Elvis had smiled at her like that, Priscilla wouldn't have been able to tell him no. But those days were in the past.

"Oh, I really can't stay. I left Lisa with the sitter, and I need to get home," she explains. "It was good seeing you, Elvis." Priscilla places a delicately manicured hand on my arm. "You too, [Y/n]." And then she's gone, leaving Elvis and I to ourselves.

The moment Priscilla is out of sight, Elvis is all over me, hands on my hips, cupping my cheeks and kissing me sweetly over and over again. "Been missin' ya all night, sweetness. The Colonel had me rubbin' shoulders with all the big names from the press, and all I could think about was you and this little skirt," he says.

I laugh, happily accepting his sudden onslaught of attention. Elvis had always been like this since we started dating, extremely touchy and affectionate, even in public. It didn't matter who was watching, he wasn't going to hesitate to slide his hand down to cup my ass in front of anyone, especially not at his own party.

"Well now I'm all yours," I promise, kissing his full lips once more.

He hums, chasing after my lips even after I pull away. This time I'm not quick enough, and he catches my bottom lip gently between his teeth, pulling me back in for another long kiss. I swallow back a groan. I'm sure people are staring at this point. That kiss seems to satisfy him enough, and so before it gets out of hand, he draws away, leaving my cheeks flushed.

I whine. "Elvis—"

"EP! C'mon, we've been waitin' on you for ages," Jerry calls from his spot at a large round table, one specifically reserved for Elvis and his entourage. Sonny and Red are kicked back around the table as well, which is situated in one of the further corners of the room, allowing for as much privacy as possible in the crowded space. It was often customary for Elvis to take to his inner circle at the end of the night, settle down and enjoy a cigar since he didn't drink himself. However, tonight, I was growing impatient having to share my boyfriend.

I whine when Elvis' large hand presses on my back to guide me towards the table. He stops in his tracks, laughing when he looks back at me. "What's gotten into you?" he grins. After taking in my flushed cheeks and pouted lip, his grin only grows. "Lord. Baby, don't you go lookin' at me like that. It'll do things to a man."

I crinkle my nose, jutting out my lip even more. I don't even have to say anything, he knows exactly what that look means. And the effect it's having on him is obvious. Elvis groans softly in his throat, readjusting the fit of his trousers. He eyes me and then the table. "Baby, please. Can't ya wait jus a lil' while longer?"

With the eyes of the Mafia still on us, I decide it best not to make a scene. Begrudgingly, I sigh and allow Elvis to lead me over to the table. As we approach, Red stands up, excusing himself to free up a second chair. I take the seat beside Elvis, smiling politely at Jerry and Sonny. I had come to love the men of the Mafia, they were like family to Elvis. And because I was Elvis' girl, they cared for me just as much. They learned to read me and my moods just as they did with Elvis, and  tonight they could tell that I was, in fact, not in the mood. Therefore, tonight, they keep most of their conversations directed towards Elvis.

The men's amiable chatter drags on for close to an hour, occasionally rising to an unreasonably loud volume when they roar with laughter. Chin rested against my palm, I listen with mild disinterest. Another ten minutes passes by until I decide that I have been patient long enough. Discreetly under the table, I nudge Elvis' calf with my foot, trying to get his attention. When he moves it way, unaware of my intentions, I huff to myself. Similarly, he's too caught up in his conversation with Sonny to notice when I kicked my shoe off. While keeping a bored face, I slide my toes up the inside of one of his spread thighs, stopping when I reach his crotch. That gets his attention.

Grunting at the contact, Elvis has to maintain his conversation in order to play it off. His hand grabs my foot under the table, squeezing it as if to say, 'behave'. Slightly vexed, I tug my foot back and he releases it. I wait for their conversation to mull on a while longer before I try again.

This time, Elvis doesn't release my foot. Instead, he scoots out his chair and turns to me. "On my lap, baby doll," he instructs. "And sit still."

Immediately subdued by his outright admonishment, I remain sat in my chair, my cheeks flushed an embarrassed pink. "I didn't—"

Elvis raises a brow at me. Jerry and Sonny exchange amused looks. When I realize that he's not giving in, I quietly get up and smooth out my velvet skirt, situating myself on his lap. With me now straddling his thigh, Elvis returns to the conversation.

"Now, as I was sayin', boys..."

Their conversation drags on for another half hour; however, my previous boredom has evaporated into heart-racing arousal. Elvis' free hand had disappeared under the table and my skirt a while ago and is currently toying with the fabric of my panties. Every so often his thumb will rub along the thin cotton, the contact just enough to send arousal pooling to my panties. The game he's playing is torturous.

My body tenses when he grazes the edge of my panties. Immediately, Elvis pulls away.

Instead his arms stretch out to either side of my body, and he clasps his hands around the edges of the table, caging me in like a feeble rabbit, it's tiny heart racing in the face of an unknown and impending doom. My body is a paradox within itself, both frozen with mortification and yet so hot to the touch with arousal that I'm sure I appear feverish.

His drawling voice is just beside my head. "Thought, I asked ya to sit still?"

Through the cloudy haze of my desperation, I can hardly answer. I make eye contact with the two men sitting across from us. Jerry slides back in his seat, cigar dangling from his fingertips as he watches us. His legs are spread wide, becoming comfortable as he settles in to enjoy the show. "Aw c'mon now, EP. Don' tease her."

Sonny has taken on a similar position, lounging back lazily as he plumes smoke from his mouth. He just chuckles and waves his hand as to ward Jerry off, well aware of Elvis' antics. "Eh," he mumbles from behind his cigar. "Leave 'em be."

Elvis nuzzles his nose into the space just behind my ear. His slightly parted mouth breathes out, washing over the tender skin at the crook of my neck. "Look at you now, sittin' all pretty fo' me," he croons sweetly. I imagine that his hooded eyes are partially closed with what can only be described as a look of nothing but pure, lust filled intoxication. "You don't mind, do you, darlin'? Sittin' here while we talk?"

I can barely swallow, my tongue heavy in my dry mouth. My mind is foggy, any coherent thought I'd ever had lost within a thick cloud of fog. There's nothing but my body, hot with arousal, and Elvis all over me. Everything else, the buzz of people surrounding us, a distant murmur. Somehow, while my head is swimming farther and farther away, my blown pupils lock with Priscilla's.

She's standing at a distance across the room, hidden amongst the chatter of people, watching the whole debacle unfold in Elvis' hands. Her hand is frozen around the door handle, obviously on her way out. Her gorgeous blue eyes hold mine as I struggle to keep hold of myself. Something in me panics, worried about what she might think, but I find nothing sinister nor judgmental in her stare as I first would have expected. All I gather is that of sadness and pity.

And that is when I finally see it all at her level. I finally get it. Because she got it. She understood what it was like to love Elvis Presley.

Even as Elvis' ex wife, Priscilla had expressed nothing but respect and well wishes for both Elvis and myself. At first, I had expected some resentment from her on my behalf. Because even though she had been the one to end things between them, it must have been undoubtedly hard to give him up. But she did. And that was the one thing that I had never understood. Until now. Even after all the hell he had put her through, she would always love him. Because Elvis was like a drug, all consuming and addicting. And Priscilla had decided to give him up before it killed her.

Now, this was her looking into a mirror and finding me in her same position. Priscilla could never bring herself to hate me because she was me—had been me. She was once the shy eighteen year old sitting on his lap, suffocating in his love. Her unwavering stare holds me captive until finally I have to looked away.

"Huh, darlin'?" Elvis hums against my ear, and bounces his knee, as though prompting me to speak. A whimper escapes my throat as the fabric of his trousers rubs just the right way between my legs. I must have missed the question because the two men across from us are looking at me expectantly with amused smirks on their faces. Although they many not know exactly what is going on under the table, they know Elvis is being a tease.

I nod and hope that it's an appropriate enough response. Sonny chuckles behind his cigar, but it must be the right answer because the mens' attention returns to talking. I sink back in relief.

"El," I whine.

Finally taking pity on me, Elvis lovingly kisses the shell of my ear. "Wanna come on my fingers?" he asks with a soft chuckle. Flushed, I nod. Under his breath, he groans something along the lines of, “God, you little minx...”

With Jerry and Sonny lost in their own conversation across the table, Elvis slips his hand back underneath my skirt and pulls aside my panties. I bite my lip to prevent a strangled moan from escaping me as his two fingers slide through my wetness, and he pushes them inside me without hesitation. While I attempt to pull myself together, Elvis is content to puff at his cigar, half listening to Jerry across the table. After a while, his patience becomes comically unbearable. I clench around him. Without warning, his fingers curl to stroke my velvet walls, and my legs tremble around his thick thigh.

When I lean back against his chest, unable to hold myself up any longer, the position gives Elvis just the right angle, and his fingers slide deeper than before. Although my body is too weary to even bother with a reaction, he knows he's found just the right spot, and continues the ministration of his fingers.

I can feel my arousal dripping down my leg, and I know it's making a mess on his black pants; though I doubt Elvis could care less about that. While I'm struggling to remain coherent with each stroke of his large fingers, Elvis is leisurely enjoying his cigar. Only his soft and mumbled praises reveal his mind is elsewhere. “So good… Fuck, baby.”

Another slow drag of his fingers, and the contrasting coolness of his rings sends me tumbling through an orgasm. He pulls me through it, still rubbing my walls through the aftershocks. Now overly sensitive, I almost cry at the stimulation.

Jerry eyes us from across the table, an eyebrow raised in amusement. “Ya okay there, [Y/n]?”

Thankfully, Elvis pulls his fingers away.

“Oh! Yes, I’m fine, Jerry. Just a little tired is all,” I answer with a soft smile, thinking I’ve reassured him. Behind me, Elvis is sliding his fingers out of his mouth with a pop.

[gucciwins]

Actors on Actors 

Y/N Belmonte and Pedro Pascal rave about each other's past projects and speak of what to see next for them.

Word count: 2670

A/N: Hi friends! It certainly has be awhile. This is an extra part to my story Love on Tour. This new piece is an insight to her acting and what her future looks like as she speaks with a friend. I chose Pedro Pascal because why not! and because he's great. Also because he's part of the Latinx community :) So please enjoy, I had fun with these. Remember if you want to see something about Bel and Harry just shoot me an ask <3

The Chilean and Mexican duo are one you have not had the pleasure of seeing on your screens, but that changed today (electronic devices for now). When Pascal and Belmonte were placed in the room together, they hugged like family and began chatting like old friends. That's because they were. They met at a party–that's all we got as neither of them could stop laughing long enough to tell the complete story.

Pedro Pascal and Y/N Belmonte got photoshoot ready. Pascal rocked a pastel pink suit that was tailored to him perfectly. While Belmonte wore a loose-fitting velvet green suit that complimented Pascal well. Each photo together ended with a laugh as they worked to make the other laugh. It was clear by how easily our photographer captured their photos how much they enjoyed being in front of the camera. Belmonte stayed behind the scenes cheering on Pascal as he was directed to each new pose. Pascal did the same but went up a notch, going full dad mode, screaming how proud he was and "to work it." It's safe to say these photos will become everyone's favorites.  

Pascal was quick to rave about Y/N Belmonte's acting and how she has a foot in every door for just about everything. Not Marvel, Belmonte was prompt to input. That reigns true, she doesn't say if she's auditioned or if she's been offered a role, but we're all waiting for the day another Latina graces the screen. Salma Hayek and Xochitl Gomez have got it covered, but hey, I'm sure Kevin Feige has a way to get my number if needed. Pascal laughs, stating he'd personally make a new role for her in his series, The Mandalorian. Belmonte assured him she could get her own roles, but she appreciated the offer. 

It was apparent they were big fans of one another. They went back and forth complimenting their latest work but also their earliest. It's easy to say you're a fan, but they clearly have a strong love for each other. 

Belmonte: The Mandalorian was a captivating series because your acting relied heavily on your voice and the emotion you had to convey. We went from a stoic Mando to seeing him care for Grogu as a father would. Going to the ends of different galaxies to protect and save his child. I was in awe because you did stunts and wore big armor, but the impact of you as an actor could be seen in your character. And with a third season coming, I feel honored to see you act. 

Pascal: Stop it. I'm serious. I'm twenty years your elder, and yet I feel that I am learning from you. The grace you hold—I swear you've probably had it all your life. The way you speak of me, I feel that I talk of you whenever I hear your name brought up, and if I'm not in the conversation, then I'll insert myself because I love talking about you with others. 

Pascal: She sings, dances, acts, and directs! What can't she do? 

Belmonte: Knit, it seems. Somehow everything I make ends up too big or too small. 

Pascal: Or has a weird hole somewhere. My sweater is a mix of this royal blue and light pink. 

Belmonte: In my defense, I ran out of yarn. You love it, though!

Pascal: I do. I do. It's made with love. You picked up knitting for your anxiety, right?. 

Belmonte: As much as I love acting, sometimes scenes require so much from me that I need a way to calm down, and focusing on my hands and a pattern is a way I found that helps. 

Pascal: It's important to look after ourselves. It might seem odd, but I agree. I can't knit, but it works for you. Just sitting in silence can go a long way. 

Belmonte: Self-care is underappreciated. Oscar taught me this fantastic breathing technique, which works wonders. 

Pascal: Speaking of, we share a common friend.

Belmonte: Oscar Isaac. 

Pascal: He's just marvelous and unforgettable. 

Belmonte: So funny. Always has me in tears, that man. I miss him.

Pascal: Moon Knight, that was brilliant. 

Belmonte: I was in awe. I knew he was great, but he just shined. I love his duality as an actor, taking on a role and making it his own. Marvel for going in a different direction of storytelling. Very beautiful.

Pascal: I visited him on set.

Belmonte: Me Too! 

Pascal: Not that Marvel knows.

Belmonte: I was never there. 

Pascal: We should have dinner or lunch or anything together.

Belmonte: I'm living in London now when I'm not busy filming, so if you or Oscar offer a guest room, I'm there.

Pascal: You're family. The door is always open. 

Belmonte: Pedro, I will cry. Stop.

Pescal: You are, pequeña.

Belmonte: I remember you invited me to a family barbeque, and I showed up with my chicken salad even though you specifically said not to bring anything. I was like, I can not show up empty-handed, and I know everyone raves over this dish I make. 

Pascal: My family raved about the dish for ages. They still do. Think a cousin of mine proposed that night. 

Belmonte: He did. He cried when his mother said no because he was only ten. I felt at home when I walked into your family, and I'll always be grateful because your family treated me as one of them.

Pascal: That is because you are part of the family. Remember when you introduced me to your boyfriend, I think he was scared.

Belmonte: H was nervous. I hyped you up so much, only for you to tease him for not bringing you some of his nail polish or sweaters. 

Pascal: It's nice. I will never say no to gifts. 

Belmonte: He was so red. I hadn't seen him blush that much since when we first started dating. 

Pascal: I did receive a package, though, with lots of his items. I was pleased. 

Belmonte: H asked me for your address, and I told him he didn't have to, that you were only joking, but he assured me he wanted to. A gift, he said, for being so kind to him and always looking out for me.

Pascal: I'm glad he didn't listen to you. 

Belmonte: He usually does. 

Pascal: Do people know who you're dating? Or is this just ominous?

Belmonte: People know, I'm assuming, and if they don't, I'm sure they'll just google it.

Pascal: Good old google.

Belmonte: Should we go back to speaking about your movies and shows? I've got lots to say.

Pascal: As do I. 

I feel your work speaks for itself. You're booked and busy, and I'm in awe of you. 

Belmonte: Pedro—

Pascal: No en serio. The rolls you take range differently, and you make them each your own. For example, you worked with a dialect coach in Queen Gambit's because of your accent and learned Russian. That's not easily done. You learn from those around you and treat everyone with the utmost respect. A testament that you're someone who surrounds herself with good people. 

Belmonte: I'm not crying, but if I were, that would be totally okay. I appreciate that; I really do. I admire you. I love seeing you on the big screen. That Hispanic culture is being represented. You're also very loved by the fans and the ladies. 

Your IMDb speaks for itself. You take rolls that don't fit any mold, which is fantastic. In Wonder Women 1984, you got to play a villain, but he was also a father. The duality you showed for the two greatest needs he was searching for were apparent, and that film ending speaks for itself. 

Pascal: Each character comes to life as soon as that camera rolls, and I just want to honor our writers and team. 

Belmonte: When I work on new projects, I always enjoy speaking with the screenwriter because I want to see their character's vision and what more I can do to make that a possibility. 

Pascal: I'll speak on this briefly because I can go on forever if you let me, and I know you won't, but your show, The Dance of Life, was one of the best. Taking that chance on a script that was based entirely on grief and allowing you the opportunity to put everything you have in there only made you better as an actor. I remember recommending the show for Oscar to watch, and he called me in the middle of the night, cursing my name for showing him the show. It's how Y/N met Oscar, actually.  

Belmonte: That show was healing in the strangest of ways. I'm no stranger to grief, and it wasn't until I experienced it did I realize that it's not linear or has specific rules one has to follow. I was allowed to bring that into the set and spoke with the writers and teams about what worked and didn't. To have them listen and appreciate what I was saying reminded me of the importance of this story. One of my proudest works to this day still.

Pascal: As did the world because that earned you your very first Emmy at twenty-three, making you the youngest to receive the award. 

Belmonte: You say that like a proud dad. 

Pascal: I am. Not your dad, but proud. I took you under my wing, and I'm here to support you in whatever way, knowing your life story. I feel like I'm repeating myself, but I'm very proud. 

Belmonte: That means–that means the world. For so long, I thought this industry would swallow me whole and felt that I'd have no support, but the support I have found is endless, and I'm grateful. This role opened many doors for me, and I will forever be thankful. 

Pascal: Are there any roles you miss? 

Belmonte: I don't miss the characters, but the crew. I feel like I make friends everywhere I go. For example, Alex is a costume designer I met on the set of my second film, and now I'm the godmother to his child. Frances was the head of engineering, and we meet up for coffee every time I'm in Atlanta. Helene is a beautiful friend who always helps at her daughter's bakery when she's not on set as a personal assistant. Taking the time and getting to know the crew makes for a great and safe work environment. 

Pascal: Remembering names and something about them is a joy because you see them for months on end, so of course, you want to remember them. It's essential that we're all on the same team. 

Belmonte: My mum always told me that kindness is given freely, but respect is earned. 

Pascal: Wise words. Mothers do seem to know best. 

Belmonte: Very true. H's mother is someone I go to for a chat sometimes when I need that extra support or unbiased view because I know she'll tell it to me straight. I'm thankful for that. 

Pascal: I'm glad you have that. If she ever gets sick of you, give my mother a call.

Belmonte: Doubt it, but good to keep in mind if she's ever too busy for me. 

Pascal: As if. I drop everything I'm doing when you call. 

Belmonte: Even when you're reading a script. 

Pascal: Even then, it means you're saving me from work. How do you practice remembering the script? I feel like my methods have changed over the years. 

Belmonte: I'll read the entire script when it's given to me, and then I'll go back adding notes for myself or others sometimes. When I first started, I'd memorized the entire script, and being so young, I felt like I had so much to prove. Knowing the script helped, of course, but knowing line for line doesn't allow for that element of not knowing what's coming to get yourself in your character's mindset. Now I just practice with others, and it seems to work well. My boyfriend practices with me. 

Pascal: Does it go well?

Belmonte: Nope. He is the sweetest. He's also an actor, got two films under his belt and two to be released this year, but I feel he's genuine in his acting, which isn't bad. Not at all, just that he acts with his heart on his sleeve. He allows himself to wear his character's emotion authentically because he hasn't differentiated the difference just yet. He is not good at lying, which is why his work is so excellent because he's giving himself away. 

Pascal: He's genuine. That's amazing; I will take notes when I see his films. 

Belmonte: He's a beautiful actor, but it's clear we have different styles. 

Pascal: Don't worry, this is just his side job. This field is yours, always has been.

Belmonte: Pedro! It's not even that. I hope he continues auditioning because he has so much potential, and I want everyone to see it as well. 

Pascal: He'd be perfect for a RomCom. 

Belmonte: He'd love that. 

Pascal: You'd love it. 

Belmonte: A true joy that would be.

Pascal: Cast him and you as the leading love interests. I'll be your father. 

Belmonte: And Oscar? 

Pascal: Your other father or a weirdly involved uncle. I don't know, we'll write him in somehow.

Belmonte: Someone, please begin with the script. 

Pascal: Contact our managers, please! Once it's ready, we're on board. 

Belmonte: You're wrapping up filming The Last of Us soon. 

Pascal: I am. It's been a great experience. The cast and crew I've had the privilege of working with had become family. It's important because you spent so much time with them and now we're all saying goodbye. I hope to see them soon or even work with them again.

Belmonte: Do you have something lined up next, or take a break and see what happens? 

Pascal: Roles aren't falling in my lap, Y/N. 

Belmonte: What!? No–

Pascal: Era una broma. Relajate. 

(It was a joke. Just relax.)

Belmonte: Pedro, I will call your mother after this. 

Pascal: No, I do like taking breaks. Sometimes I have something lined up, but this was over a year-long production. It's a series I am really proud of, and I feel like I deserve a break. You seem to go year-round. What were you working on early this year?

Belmonte: Foe in Australia with Paul Mescal, with whom I've had the pleasure of working. Finishing up the last few days of The White Lotus. 

Pascal: See what I mean, booked and busy. But you like it, I presume?

Belmonte: I love it. I love the go go go moments, but I have come to realize that I do need breaks in there. My boyfriend was a big help in developing that. I love having a reason to slow down because work is not everything at the end of the day. 

Pascal: He's got a fabulous job. 

Belmonte: It's something unique. We'll get you out to a show, promise. 

Pascal: The most important news dropped, I feel, was you being announced as Princess Irulan in the sequel of Dune. 

Belmonte: It was…it was very competitive. I thought I wouldn't get it. I was sure the call would not come, and to my shock, not to Viola, my manager; she was smug, stating she knew I was perfect for the role. We're set to begin filming at the end of summer. So I'm glad to look forward to that.

Pascal: The waiting is scary, I understand, but congratulations. The cast is already so excellent, so adding you on feels perfect. 

Belmonte: Everyone is kind, sent welcoming messages, and called me. I already feel very welcomed and am excited for what is to come. 

Pascal: What will you do now? 

Belmonte: Now? Get some lunch. My boyfriend is picking me up, you're welcome to join. We can practice his Spanish some more. 

Pascal: Well, I can't say no to that. 

thank you for reading!!!! if I tagged you is because I love you and you're part of this lovely stories tag list :)

taglist: @alienorknight @harry-is-my-sunflower @myfavfanficsever @springholland @michellekstyles @harryismyfwend @japanchrry @onlyamylee @golden-hoax @itsmycorneroftheinternet @thurhomish @thelovecayon @dontworrysunflower @shawnieeboyy

[helloalycia]

The Wrong Lifetime — Ten // Wanda Maximoff

chapter nine | story masterlist | main masterlist | wattpad | chapter eleven

author’s note: okay so this was supposed to be published yesterday but (if anyone cares lol), basically, i finished my last year of uni two days ago and so yesterday was the first official day i had that i didn’t have to do work, so i spent the whole day playing video games 😂 but it’s here now, so i hope you liked it!

Approaching Y/B/N's study, my annoyance returned when I remembered how he acted only an hour before. I didn't bother knocking as I let myself in, seeing him loosening his bow tie and looking out the window.

"What the hell was that?" I snapped instantly.

He sighed, yanking his bow tie off and throwing it to his desk. "What was what?"

I crossed my arms to contain my frustration. "You know what, Y/B/N." He continued to play dumb, so I watched him with a frown. "Why are you so against me getting published? I thought– I thought you'd be proud of me. It's all I've ever wanted."

With a scowl, he looked the other way. "I'm the writer, Y/N, not you."

His words created an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. Jealousy was a disgusting look on him, one I never wanted to see.

"No," I said, uncrossing my arms and staring daggers at him. "You're not the writer. I am. You only got noticed because of me!"

"Shut up!" he shouted, finally meeting my eyes. "You don't get to do this! It's not about you!"

"Yes, it is!" I shouted right back. "For once, it is about me, Y/B/N! Because this is my chance to do something I love."

He rolled his eyes, getting riled up all over again. "And that's another thing. Why the hell are you putting silly ideas into my fiancé's head about making money? Are you trying to make me a fool in front of my in-laws?"

I squeezed my fists together, narrowing my eyes. "They aren't your in-laws."

"Oh, you know what I mean!"

He didn't deserve Wanda. He couldn't. She was too good for him.

"Sorry that your masculinity is so fragile that you can't let your fiancé do something she's passionate about," I said through gritted teeth.

He glowered down at me. "You need to butt out."

I smiled bitterly. "Maybe if you didn't start on Pietro for no reason, I would."

He scoffed. "Please. That man is only trying to get into your pants."

I don't think I'd ever wanted to strangle my brother as much as I did right now. Did he really not believe in me? He couldn't accept that maybe I'd earned this on my own accord? Thankfully, unlike him, I could contain my emotions and managed to swallow down my anger.

"You know that's not the case," I said with a dangerously calm voice. "You should talk about your soon-to-be brother-in-law with some respect."

Y/B/N sighed, moving to sit at his desk. I followed him with my eyes, unable to recognise who he was. I hadn't dubbed him for the insecure type, but I was being proven wrong many times tonight.

"I don't want to do this right now," he said quietly, sinking his head into his hands.

I uncurled my fists, fed up. "It's already been done."

He looked up, but I didn't wait to see his face. Maybe he wasn't the brother I thought he was.

—

"Honest opinion," Wanda said, before revealing herself from behind the curtain. "Nice or ugly?"

"Nice."

She smiled brightly, twirling around in the dress she was trying on, before going back behind the curtain to change into another one. She'd invited me over to hers to hang out, which meant watching her try on a bunch of new dresses and getting excited over each one. I wasn't complaining.

"So, that first book," she picked up from our previous conversation as she changed. She was referring to Y/B/N's first published book. "That was really you?"

"Yep." I pulled my legs up onto the lounge sofa and leaned on my hand, elbow propped on the back of the seat. "I mean, it got edited of course, but the initial manuscript was mine."

"Wow," she commented. "That must have really sucked to hear everybody praise it when it was actually yours."

"It did indeed."

She came out from the curtain wearing a dress that wasn't particularly nice looking. It had a baggy torso and slim legs, making Wanda look very unflattering. And that was saying something – she could pull off anything.

"Nice or ugly?" she asked, hands on her hips.

I squinted, tilting my head and trying to think if I should lie or not. Her blue eyes peered down at me intimidatingly and I knew I couldn't find it in myself to lie to her.

After a moment, I released a breath. "I'm sorry, love, but it's kind of ugly."

She chuckled, giving me a knowing smile. "Good. This was a test. Means you're paying attention."

"Wow. You think I'm just sat here for fun?"

She didn't respond, but an amused smile was on her lips as she headed behind the curtain to change yet again. It was quiet as she was changing, before she spoke up again.

"You know when we first met? And you showed me around your room?"

"How can I forget? You thought I was jealous of my brother," I quipped with a smile.

I could imagine the eye roll she was giving me. "That was before I knew you wrote half his stuff."

Stifling a laugh, I nodded even though she couldn't see me. "Okay, go on."

She sighed. "I told you how I fell in love with that first book. How I fell in love with the words. And the person who wrote those words.”

"I remember."

She reappeared from behind the curtain, this time wearing a stunning floral blue sundress. It fell off her shoulders, revealing cream-coloured skin and a well-defined collarbone. I smiled softly, overwhelmed with admiration for the beautiful woman before me.

"I'm glad it was you," she said, and I suddenly remembered we were in the middle of a conversation.

Her eyes sparkled brightly as she smiled my way, and then her words sank in and my heart fluttered with adoration.

"Me, too," I breathed out.

She held my gaze for a second longer before looking down at her dress, pressing her hands over it. "So. What do you think? Nice or ugly?"

I raised my eyebrows with astonishment. "Wanda, you look absolutely beautiful."

Her shoulders relaxed as her eyes flickered to mine. "So, I should keep it?"

I spluttered, "Duh!"

She laughed, before approaching me and sitting beside me. Leaning her head on my shoulder, she pulled her legs onto the sofa and sighed contently. I wrapped an arm around her, resting my cheek on her head.

"I'm glad you'll finally get the recognition you deserve, milaya (darling)," she said, lifting her hand to intertwine it with mine over her shoulder.

With an entertained smile, I held her hand firmly. "Maybe, love. I haven't said yes."

"Oh, you'll say yes."

I pressed a kiss to the top of her head, revelling in the warmth her body created as it pressed to mine. We had no concerns that somebody would catch us since nobody was home and the servants knew not to bother us.

"So, what was the book actually about?" she asked, playing with my fingers.

"Huh?"

"The book," she repeated. "I've heard Y/B/N's take on it, but what about yours?"

At the mention of my brother, I rolled my eyes. We still hadn't spoken since our argument and I wasn't exactly in the best place with him right now.

"It doesn't matter," I mumbled into her hair.

She used her elbow to nudge me gently in the stomach before grabbing my other hand and wrapping it around her waist.

"I like hearing you speak," she said softly. "And I love the way your mind works."

My cheeks flushed at the compliment, but I appreciated her words. She always had such an effect on me and I'd come to only care about one opinion nowadays – hers.

"Okay, I guess..." I sighed, subconsciously pressing my fingertips to hers. "The book is about a man who loses his wife to his own ignorance, right?" She hummed in agreement, so I continued. "Y/B/N always talks about how it's about a man failing to appreciate his wife, but that's not how I intended for it to be perceived."

Interest piqued, she sat up straight and turned around to face me, leaning her head on my chest and looking up with curious eyes. I smiled down at her, pressing a kiss to her nose, making her scrunch it up adorably.

"It's supposed to be about the wife discovering that she's her own woman and that she doesn't need her husband to be okay," I continued, holding her gaze. "It was her own self-discovery that pushed them apart, as well her husband's stupidity."

Wanda's lips curved into a gentle smile. "I like that interpretation a lot better than his."

Licking my lips, I breathed out through a smile. "You're biased, dear."

Her eyes flickered to my lips. "Maybe."

I chuckled before closing the gap between us, connecting our lips in a short, sweet kiss. She relaxed against me before smiling as we pulled away.

"Ya lyublyu vas (I love you)," she whispered.

I always loved when she spoke in her native tongue. She sounded so at peace when she did and it warmed my insides.

"I love you, too," I whispered right back.

She grinned, carefree, before turning to lean on my shoulder again. I held her, enjoying the silence that formed between us. Her presence was always enough and I never wanted anything more. But I knew Wanda and I knew that she couldn't stay quiet for too long, so something was definitely up.

"What are you thinking?" I asked quietly, not wanting to startle her in case she was too deep into her thoughts.

She sighed. "It's stupid."

I smiled. "I doubt that."

It went quiet and I assumed she didn't want to share, but then she played with my fingers again as she spoke.

"I was wondering what it would be like if we were able to get married," she murmured. "With the dresses and walking down the aisle and the rings."

I laced my fingers through hers, the thoughts having crossed my mind at times, too. It was nice to think 'what if', but it was also a dangerous game.

"The wedding cake would have to be chocolate," I played along, not wanting her to think she couldn't talk about it.

She snickered, loosening up in my arms. "Of course. And the colour scheme would have to be red."

"Definitely," I agreed, knowing she wouldn't have it any other way, "...it could be somewhere small but comfortable. Surrounded by nature, maybe."

"Yes. With flowers all around us and the sound of birds tweeting in the trees."

A comforting smile crept on my lips as I closed my eyes, imagining it in my mind. What a beautiful day it would be.

"I'd force Pietro to be the ring bearer," she added as an afterthought, and I laughed, chest moving up and down with her on it.

"He'd hate that," I pointed out.

"Exactly," she said with a mischievous hum.

I rolled my eyes playfully. "What about afterwards? Where would you want to live?"

She scrunched her face up before settling with, "Somewhere remote. Away from people. Maybe a nice cottage somewhere."

Nodding in agreement, I said, "We could have a beautiful garden in the back. I'd do my very best to make it perfect for you. And you could paint whatever you wanted there."

A considerate smile tugged at her lips at the thought. "Yes! And we could get a pet. I've always wanted a pet."

"I guess we could... what pet do you want?"

With no hesitation, she said, "Chickens."

I looked down at her, quirking a brow. "Chickens?"

Looking up at me, she stared like it was self-explanatory. "They're cute and they lay eggs. Think about it. Fresh eggs for breakfast every morning."

God, she was so cute. I smiled, squeezing her hand. "Chickens it is, love."

She got excited as she tugged on my hand. "You can finally get a study of your own!"

"And you can get your own studio," I added, making her grin.

"And I'd keep it sparkling clean."

I laughed, shaking my head. "Don't lie, Wanda."

She rolled her eyes, though wore a humoured expression. "Okay, maybe not..."

"You can keep it as messy as you want," I promised her, as if it was actually going to happen and we'd get what we wanted.

The dream was so vivid in my mind that it could have been a memory. Wanda and I living together, peacefully and without hiding... if only we weren't in the wrong lifetime.

"I like to pretend that you gave this to me," she said after an unsettling silence fell upon us, raising her left hand for me to see. She wiggled her ring finger, the silver band and emerald gem glinting in the light. "It makes me feel better."

I swallowed hard and forced a smile, intertwining my fingers in hers and bringing them to my lips to kiss gently.

"Technically I picked it," I reminded her to lighten the mood, but it didn't work.

A sad smile appeared on her face. "Maybe in another lifetime, we could have met in a world that allowed this."

My smile faded into a frown at her words. Like I said, considering the 'what if's' was a dangerous game, and we'd already played too much of it.

"You're going to marry my brother soon," I said quietly, the realisation hitting me. "This– us, will have to stop."

She sat up and turned to face me, eyes looking between mine as she shook her head. "It doesn't have to."

I rested a hand on her cheek and she leaned into it, kissing my palm. I savoured the feeling of her lips against my skin.

"What we're doing isn't fair on either of us," I said reluctantly, afraid to say what we'd avoided for as long as our relationship lasted.

She frowned. "I'd rather have you like this than not at all."

My heart ached because I knew she was being genuine, and the truth is, I felt the same. But that brought me to our next dilemma.

"It's not fair on Y/B/N either."

She tensed her jaw. "The world doesn't want us together, Y/N. They're the ones who forced us to be like this."

"Like what?" I asked with knowing eyes. "Cheaters?"

Her eyes glossed over and it broke me to see her so hurt.

"Is it really cheating if I never wanted to be with him?" she asked with a shaky voice. "If I'm only acting out of duty? If I never loved him?"

Realising I'd saddened her, I moved forward and pulled her in for a hug, running my hand down her hair and to her back. "Sorry... I didn't mean to make you upset."

She sniffled and I felt her tears soaking my shirt. "Don't talk like that... I don't want to lose you."

I swallowed hard, nodding into her shoulder. "I don't want to lose you either, Wanda."

But I knew that deep down, we couldn't hold onto everything we wanted to in life. Deep down, she must have known that, too.

—

"...and this is where we write up the contracts. It's where we'd write up yours if you say yes."

Pietro grinned cheekily as I gave him a knowing look. He was showing me around the publishing house – a proper tour, not just me lurking around on the few visits I'd been here for Y/B/N – with hopes of convincing me to sign a contract with him.

"Pietro, you said you wouldn't be biased," Wanda warned, and I gave her a grateful smile as Pietro chuckled.

"I'm sorry, I can't help it," he apologised, though he definitely didn't mean it. "I just really think you'd be a great fit here, Y/N. I already have editors willing to work with you based on the few pages they've seen of your work."

I raised my eyebrows, startled. "Wow, seriously?"

He nodded. "Most definitely. As I told you the other night, you're talented. And with my help, you can be successful, too."

A smile fell on my lips uncontrollably. A real editor wanted to work with me. Woah.

"I'm gonna get some coffee," Wanda said, squeezing my shoulder. "I'll get you both some, too." She wagged a finger towards her brother. "Don't pressure her whilst I'm gone."

He raised his hands in defence. "Okay, calm down, sestra (sister). I'll be fair."

She lowered her finger, shot him a final look, then smiled at me before leaving for the café next door. I chuckled at how cute she was and how much she cared before returning my attention to Pietro.

"I won't pressure you," he said to me, perching on the edge of an empty desk. "I just want you to know that you'd be well looked after here. I wouldn't let anyone talk down to you, nor treat you with disrespect because you're a woman. I don't condone that here."

I relaxed at his words, offering him a grateful smile. "Thank you, Pietro. That really means a lot."

He returned the smile before his gaze moved over my shoulder. Smile fading, he cleared his throat awkwardly and looked away. I turned around, curious to what had caught his attention, and then I saw Y/B/N standing in the doorway, looking around for something. His eyes eventually fell on me and he perked up before heading our way.

I hadn't spoken to him since two nights ago after dinner. He'd actively avoided me, too and I wasn't complaining, having still harboured an unexplainable anger for him. What was he doing here?

"Y/N, hey," he said awkwardly, stopping before Pietro and I. His eyes flickered to Pietro before he asked me, "Can I speak with you?"

Instinctively, my jaw clenched and he seemed to notice as he shook his head quickly.

"Not to argue," he clarified. "Just to talk."

His eyes were pleading and I couldn't find it in myself to deny him. He was my brother after all, we couldn't argue forever. Nodding wordlessly, I smiled apologetically to Pietro before following Y/B/N to a quiet side of the room. My eyes ran along the many employees working away at their desks before falling to my brother before me.

"What is it?" I asked, maybe a little too harshly, but there was no going back now.

He frowned, eyes flittering around nervously. "I want to apologise for my behaviour the other night. I shouldn't have acted how I did."

I hugged myself as I shifted my weight between my feet. "Okay."

"You were right," he continued, finally meeting my eyes. "You deserve this. You've always been there for me, helping me with my writing when I needed it. I should have reacted better, but I let my jealousy get the better of me."

My mouth opened, surprised at his apology.

He offered me a sad smile. "The truth is, Y/N, we both know you'll be the more successful of us both. And you'll be so preoccupied with your own writing that you won't be able to help me anymore. And it was selfish of me to think that first, but I did. And I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. I'm your big brother and I should've been better."

Chewing on my lip, I let go of waist and straightened up, nodding slightly. "I– thanks. Thank you. For telling me that."

His shoulders relaxed as he nodded. "Also, you were right about what you said about Wanda. And I'm going to apologise to her first thing."

My expression softened at the mention of the girl who'd only ever been good to us. "She's seriously talented, Y/B/N."

"I know."

I nodded, stepping forward and resting a hand on his shoulder. Looking between his eyes, I only saw regret and I knew he was being genuine with his apology.

"You're forgiven," I told him with a small smile, before pulling him in for a quick hug.

He returned it and I felt relieved to know he was supportive. I didn't see a reason to not accept Pietro's deal now... everybody I cared about was okay with it.

"Wanda is here by the way," I told Y/B/N when we pulled apart. "She's just getting some coffee for us."

He nodded and we returned to Pietro, who gave me a concerned look. I smiled reassuringly and he relaxed before looking to my brother with a smile.

"Hey, Pietro, sorry for what I said last night," Y/B/N was quick to say. "It wasn't cool. I know you're not like that and I shouldn't have even thought it, let alone said it."

Pietro was one of the chillest people I'd met as he offered his hand out to my brother. "No worries, mate. Bygones."

They exchanged a handshake before my brother glanced to me.

"She's really good," he said to Pietro. "You'd be lucky to have her here."

My face heated up as Pietro nodded in agreement. The two of them looked to me with proud smiles and as uncomfortable as I felt with the attention, I was grateful to have their support.

"I know," Pietro said. "All she's got to do is say yes."

"You haven't said yes yet?" my brother asked with disbelief, before slapping me on the arm playfully. "Y/N! This is your chance!"

"And it's a big decision!" I reminded him.

He looked like he wanted to say something, but then I caught sight of Wanda over his shoulder and perked up. She smiled my way but then noticed Y/B/N's presence and proceeded with caution.

"Hey, I got you both a coffee," she said, giving Pietro his and handing me mine, but her eyes were searching mine with worry.

My hand brushed hers as I accepted my coffee and I squeezed it reassuringly. She seemed to believe me as her lips twitched into a small smile before looking to Y/B/N.

"Hey," she said to him quietly, biting her lip.

He glanced to me for encouragement and I gave him a subtle thumbs up. This seemed to help as he wiped his hands on his trousers before looking to Wanda hopefully.

"Hey," he finally spoke. "Please can we talk in private for a moment?"

She nodded, humming in response, and followed him to talk.

"Match made in heaven those two," Pietro said sarcastically, and I tried not to laugh, but damn was it funny.

"Look, I think I've made a decision," I said after a moment, feeling my heart speed up at the realisation of my next words.

"Oh? And what is it? Will you let me publish you?" Pietro asked, quirking a brow and watching me with an excited smile.

Well, there was only the future to look forward to now.

I grinned. "Yes."

[ficninja]

A Beautiful Night Indeed

So I did a thing...

I wrote a Penelope and Colin fic! I haven't written anything in so long that I seriously surprised myself. I just couldn't help it, I've become so obsessed with them. I wanted to post it here for anyone interested in reading. It's an extended scene I guess, a wish fulfillment if you will, of what I wanted to happen after their dance at the Vauxhall Ball in episode 01 "Diamond of the first water."

Pairing: Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington Summary: Colin is protective of Penelope after Cressida spills her drink on her. Colin doesn't want to let go of Penelope's hand after their dance. Colin is confused about his feelings and Anthony calls him out on it. Colin wants more than anything for Penelope to trust him

A Beautiful Night Indeed

It was a beautiful night. Penelope had arrived to the Vauxhall ball a half an hour early with her Father and sisters. They were just in time to see the lighting of all the torches surrounding the expansive gardens right as the Sun began to hang low in the ever darkening sky…

Standing near the orchestra dining area, watching the dancing begin, Penelope looked around avoiding being spotted by one of her sisters. She was surprised when she heard Colin say her pet name.

“Pen…” Colin approached Penelope. He never had trouble finding her in a crowd. He was constantly captivated by her stunning red hair. Her hair beckoned him like a glowing fire, his eyes always drawn to the beauty of the permanent sunset. She was standing alone expectantly, he surmised she was looking for someone.

“Colin…” Penelope sighed adorably which made him smile to himself. She had the cutest voice, he had always thought so.

“I did not know you would be here.” Penelope was pleasantly surprised to see him. His height towering as he walked closer, making her feel small and delicate by comparison.

“Sorry to disappoint.” Colin teased, causing her to smile. She was never able to resist this pull he had on her.

“Have you seen Miss Thompson?” He inquired. Miss Thompson had many suitors and Colin supposed he should try to get to know Penelope’s cousin a bit more, lest his interest wane.

“She is ill.” Penelope informed him, a bit dispassionately, her smile faltering. “My mamá had to stay home with her.” She continued. “Papá had to chaperone.”

Colin looked over his shoulder to see Mr. Featherington enjoying a refreshment and in an animated discussion, completely unobservant of his youngest daughter.

Colin turned back to Penelope giving her his complete attention, the inquiry into her cousin’s whereabouts fleeting. He did not like that she was vulnerable without her Father’s gaze on her.

“I’m quite enjoying the fact that he is here.” Penelope’s smile picked back up and Colin recalled that she enjoyed spending time with her father… away from her neglectful mother.

Mrs. Featherington should be there as well, Colin thought to himself. This was Penelope’s debut season. What mother, wouldn’t accompany a daughter as sweet and innocent as Penelope everywhere?

“Mamá would never allow me to wear a dress like this.” Penelope’s smile brightened the darkened garden even more. “Not yellow enough, I think.” She giggled self-deprecatingly.

Colin had taken note of how especially lovely Penelope looked that night. Although it was hard for Penelope to look bad, given her cute face and enchanting hair, her mother seemed to be trying to detract from her looks with every yellow frock she forced on her. He would acknowledge that according to Eloise having a nice face and pleasant hair should not be considered an accomplishment. But given the lack of genteel stock in Penelope’s lineage, it was indeed a glowing accomplishment in contrast to her older sisters, at least according to Colin’s preferences.

Before Colin could genuinely compliment Penelope’s dress, Cressida Cowper appeared and interrupted their conversation. Accompanied by her entourage of ninnies, they pushed between he and Penelope.

“Mr. Bridgerton...” Cressida’s voice really grated on Colin’s nerves. “I believe you owe me a dance this evening. And I only have one more space remaining on my card at present.”

“How convenient.” Penelope observed, her words so softly spoken that Colin almost… almost didn’t hear her. But her tremulous voice carried over to Colin. It was like a melody… a song only for him in contrast to Cressida’s.

Cressida thrust her dance card out to her side and simultaneously spilled her drink on the front of Penelope’s dress. “Penelope, I did not see you there!” Cressida feigned shock.

Penelope gasped in sheer mortification, turning away from them as the blast of cold liquid slid down her chest. She looked down to check her dress, thanking heaven that the drink was clear and would not stain. Penelope felt heat color her cheeks and her eyes began to water. She was so proud of the way she looked that night and to have this happen to her at Cressida’s hands and in the presence of Colin no less, she thought she would pass out from the humiliation.

Colin glared at Cressida. How dare she attempt to injure Penelope’s person with that drink and right in front of him. He thought to himself, if Cressida was not a Lady and barely one at that… His anger peaked at the mental image of what he would do. His nostrils flared at her before he turned his attention back to Penelope.

“I’m afraid I cannot offer you that dance, Miss Cowper.” Colin’s voice barely remained courteous. “I am to escort Miss Featherington, to the floor.” His decided rejection of Cressida caused Penelope to turn around, astonished.

Penelope’s blue eyes, glossy with embarrassment, met his. Colin had a fierce look on his face. Determined he was, not to allow anyone to mistreat her in his presence. He reached for Penelope's gloved hand, slipping her tiny feminine satin-clad fingers through his larger masculine ones, as he glared once again at Cressida before escorting Penelope away and onto the dance floor.

Colin spun Penelope into position just as the spirited dance started. His fingers glided across the brocade material along her upper back. Her soft tresses skimmed across the back of his hand… This was one of Colin’s favorite dances and he smiled down at her excitedly. Penelope was an amazing partner. The embarrassment caused by Cressida eased from her eyes and she matched his enthusiam for the dance. The eager smile on her face as he spun her around caused an ache to invade inside his chest. The protectiveness he felt moments ago seemed to increase ten fold and everything inside of him wanted that smile to remain on her face for the rest of her life.

When the dance ended, Colin found himself irrationally thinking of a reason to keep Penelope's hand in his. An illogical impulse, given it would be improper since he was not officially courting her. The reminder to himself, that he was not in fact courting Penelope Featherington, but had expressed an interest in her distant cousin caused him to be inexplicably confused and annoyed with himself. The annoyance he felt was upsetting to him and he clenched his jaw in vexation. Just as he was about to convince himself to let her go, the announcement began…

“Ladies and Gentleman, a most extraordinary event is about to take place.

Right this way!

Come! Come!”

Colin looked down at Penelope just as she gazed her startled blue eyes up at him. Just looking in her eyes soothed away his baffling aggravation. He smiled at her mischievously as he pulled her along side him continuing to hold her hand. Definitely not letting go of her now.

Penelope was delighted that Colin wanted to continue their time together at the ball. The way he looked at her during their dance… she knew it was just a result of his protective nature. She believed he was genuinely outraged by Cressida’s behavior toward her. But his continued attention made her heart soar, even more than usual, just from being around him. A sort of magic seemed to envelop them, almost as if Colin was finally seeing her as a woman and not like a little sister. Penelope worried that the let down from reality settling around her again would break her heart irreparably.

“Come along, Pen. We must not miss this most extraordinary event!” Colin continued to grin at her as he pulled Penelope along.

Colin spotted an open section near the edge of the crowd and stopped there. It was a bit darker there, secluded away from the torches, and he couldn’t make out everyone around them. He tugged Penelope a bit closer in front of him as more people surrounded them.

He noticed that she trembled a bit, so he leaned down near her ear. “Are you ok, Pen?”

Penelope was looking forward to the show, whatever this would be, but she had never been quite comfortable with the dark or with surprises.

Penelope felt Colin squeeze her hand and she looked up at him. His blue eyes warm with concern. “Yes, I’m ok. It is just a bit scary is all.”

Colin smiled at her then and her heart skipped a beat. “Everything will be ok. I’m right here. I would not let anything bad happen to you.” And she knew, she could feel that Colin meant it.

“Do you trust me, Pen?” He asked, holding her gaze fervently.

Looking into his eyes so close to hers was intoxicating and Penelope began to feel a little unsteady on her feet. She swayed a little as she answered him. “Y- Yes, o-of course I trust you, Colin.”

Colin noticed that she stuttered a bit, but she seemed to get her bearings.

“Good.” Penelope’s assurance that she trusted him, did something to his insides and Colin felt unbalanced.

The announcement picked up again…

“It is with great privilege I present Vauxhall’s newest spectacle of illumination. Feast your eyes above and allow all that is radiant to overwhelm you!”

Penelope squeezed Colin’s hand just as the lights illuminated all at once above them. They were surrounded by the glass bulbs! The brilliance was magnificent. The sudden amazement caused Penelope to step back into Colin. His chest cradled her head and his other hand, that wasn’t holding hers, grabbed her waist to steady her.

The MC continued,

“Wonderful Light! Thank you!”

“Its alright.” Colin murmured softly into her hair. She smelled like orange blossoms. Colin could not keep himself from breathing her in. He wondered if it was just her hair or if she smelled of the fragrant flower all over her body. The hand holding her waist moved unconsciously to the ends of her rosy hair, his fingers delicately caressed the softness of her strawberry locks. Colin’s mind was muddled, he closed his eyes in contentment, memorizing the texture of her hair. He couldn’t think straight. He had to stop himself from dropping a kiss to the top of her head, the need to be a comfort to her began to outweigh his reason.

Penelope thought she imagined Colin’s fingers in her hair. The closeness of his body to hers was heady… She closed her eyes briefly, relishing in the warmth of him behind her. She inhaled at the pleasure of her current situation. She’d never been this close to Colin. The electrifying heat of his body pressed against hers was causing her to be incoherent. She began to breathe in shallow pants, her breaths coming quickly. Unsettled by her reaction to him, she moved away from him, letting go of his hand.

Colin felt the immediate loss of the warmth radiating from Penelope’s body pressed along his front. When she dropped his hand and moved away from him, he felt the grimace on his face and heard the growl in his throat. Desperate to have Penelope near again, he grabbed her hand and turned her to face him.

“Pen…” Colin spoke her name, not knowing what else to say, but also needing to stop her retreat from him.

Penelope looked down at her hand grasped in Colin’s, realizing that her glove had slipped off. “Oh…” was all she could say. The moment felt unmistakably intimate, him holding her hand again, this time bare.

“I’m sorry.” Colin apologized when he realized he’d unintentionally removed Penelope’s satin glove. “Allow me…” He bent down and retrieved her glove from the grass, her bare hand remained cradled in his the entire time.

His expression mischievous again, as he rose to his full height. “I guess I’m to keep it as a favour now.” Colin teased Penelope. He needed to take away the self-consciousness he saw in her eyes.

“Are you going off to battle then?” Penelope teased Colin back, unable to resist his ever present charm. She could think of no other time a lady’s favour was given.

“Well, there seems to be a fight for refreshments. And as a Gentleman, I will gladly enter the fray to procure something to drink for you, Pen.” Colin folded Penelope’s glove and slipped it into his inside jacket pocket finally letting her hand go reluctantly.

Colin looked down at Penelope adoringly. He couldn’t help himself, stepping closer to her, he whispered. “Wish me luck in battle?”

Penelope knew Colin was teasing her again, but he made her breathless. “Good luck.” She smiled and then she bit her bottom lip. “Promise me that you will return it me?” She looked pointedly to his chest where her glove rested inside his pocket.

Colin could only focus on the lushness of her mouth as she bit her full bottom lip, he was beginning to feel dizzy like he was spinning… spinning out of control. “You trust me, don’t you, Penelope?”

“Of course, Colin.” Penelope didn’t recognize her own voice. The huskiness of it, she couldn’t control as Colin inched even closer to her.

Colin bent down, next to her ear and whispered. “Good girl. Stay right here for me. I’ll be back.” He leaned in close enough that he smelled her intoxicating hair once more before he pulled himself away from Penelope and then walked toward the refreshments.

As Penelope watched as Colin walked away, his tall regal form a feast for her eyes, she noticed his brother Anthony walk up to him.

Colin was taking deep breaths to regain his composure as he walked away from Penelope. He felt a hand on his arm and turned to find Anthony with a stern expression on his face. He followed Anthony’s gaze to Penelope.

“She’s so young Colin… you need to try harder to conceal your… baser interests. Stop touching her so much. Don’t forget yourself. Penelope is a proper lady.” Anthony scolded Colin.

“I was not… I did not… for you to imply…” Colin couldn’t even form a sentence in his defense as twisted as his insides felt by his brother’s insinuations.

“Imply?” Anthony continued. “I saw. Your hand on her waist, apart from dancing. Your hand in her hair. The caress of her bare hand… and this could have been in the view of half the Ton. It is a wonder her father did not come looking for her and witness these improprieties or I would be making arrangements for you to court Penelope Featherington properly!" Anthony’s eyebrows raised in admonishment. “… and not expressing interest in her distant cousin.” The distorted expression on Anthony’s face spoke to how he felt about Colin’s fleeting interest in Miss Thompson.

“It will be a miracle if this is not in Whistledown tomorrow and I am not forced to have to make an offer on your behalf myself.” Anthony continued to reprimand Colin.

“Anthony, I would never do anything to scandalize Penelope!” Colin declared passionately. He could not even conceive of hurting her that way. He found that the thought of Anthony having to make an offer for Penelope’s hand on his behalf did not scare him and that lack of apprehension caused him uncertainty.

“I know that you would not, Colin. And I am not suggesting that you are. I am saying that your feelings... unacknowledged... for Penelope are maybe getting in the way of your… sensibilities where she is concerned.” Anthony pointed out.

“My feelings… for Penelope?” Colin was so confused. Penelope was his friend. He had not meant to be improper with her in any way. But he had begun to acknowledge in his mind and body that Penelope was becoming a woman… in every way. His reactions to her may very well be putting her in danger from him.

“Yes, Colin. I have eyes. I see you clear as day. You may not be ready to admit to or are even aware of how you feel about her. You do have feelings for her, not just emotionally, but now physically as well and you need to think about what you really want long term. Penelope has… developed a lush womanly form. Her curves are tempting to you, I see. Miss Thompson may be more mature and more able to handle your… physical interests right now, where as you would have to wait a while for Penelope to be ready for that.”

“Stop! Stop right now, Anthony. Speaking about Penelope in this way is improper and I will not engage with you any further on this.” Colin found his fists were balled up and his anger, at his brother was a tangible thing in his mouth… a vileness that he could taste. Anthony’s criticism of how he had handled Penelope and even more his comments on how her body had developed the curves of a woman, the kind of woman that Colin realized he was irresistibly drawn to, would be his undoing.

“See, you did not even mention Miss Thompson. Your irascible temper with regard to any perceived slight of Penelope…” Anthony spoke to Colin’s unexpressed feelings for Penelope, again. “All of that emotion… that is about Penelope Featherington.”

Colin clenched his jaw tightly and rolled his eyes at the truth of his brother’s perceptions. He balled his fists against his side as well.

“I am not telling you what to do, so do not look at me like that. I am merely pointing out that if you keep carrying on like this over Penelope and you keep finding yourself behaving in the manner in which you have tonight, you will not be in a position to make a decision. It will have been made for you. Does she not deserve for you to truly choose her? And loathe that I am of a match between you and Miss Thompson, I do not want you to have to contend with hurting her either.”

Colin took a deep breath before addressing his brother again. “Penelope is dear to me… so dear that I - I treasure her and our friendship. I would never hurt her intentionally, brother. That is all I’m willing to say on the matter. I do not wish to discuss Penelope with you any further here like she is the topic of some common gossip. I shall escort her back to her father, after the fireworks are over. Colin declared and then walked off, feeling immensely frustrated.

“See that you do, Colin.” Anthony called after him as Colin disappeared.

Colin turned from the refreshment table and spotted Penelope immediately again. His eyes seeking her siren hair. She had remained just as he had asked her to. A good girl for him she was indeed.

When Colin finally returned to her with refreshments, Penelope’s bright expectant blue eyes found his troubled ones.

“Is everything ok, Colin?” Penelope asked softly. “I saw you speaking with your brother…”

Colin smiled at her slightly as she drank her lemonade. He could not help it. She was so sweet, the most kind-hearted person he had ever known aside from his mother. Her concern mollified him. His anxiousness over his conversation with Anthony slipped away easily in her presence.

“Penelope, your dress is lovely tonight. I wanted to tell you that before Cressida showed up.” Colin could not help it, even after being cautioned by Anthony of being improper with her, he inched closer to her and took her bare hand in his again.

“Thank you, Colin.” Penelope sighed. The warmth of his hand surrounding hers made her breathless again. It felt almost as if Colin did not realize what he was doing.

“May I ask, how it came to be this rather fetching shade of pink and not yellow?” Colin teased her again. His eyes sparkling at her. They now looked the exact opposite of when he arrived with their drinks.

“Well, I was allowed to choose the color for myself, rather than mamá.” Penelope admitted. Her cheeks brightened to a beautiful shade of pink.

“You did well, Pen. It looks exquisite against your sun-fire hair and makes your porcelain skin look like the finest silk…” Colin looked down at her feeling inebriated, his voice betraying his ardor. His stomach flipped when he noticed her licking her pink lips before she spoke his name on a melodic sigh, again.

“Colin…” Penelope couldn’t believe he had actually described her that way… passionately… his voice filled with longing.

Colin raised Penelope’s hand to his lips, just as the music started for the next dance. He kissed the back of her fingers of her bare hand and Penelope was startled at the softness of his lips on her. She did not know what to say… She could not form words. All the breath had left her.

“One more dance, Pen? Before the night is over.” Colin requested. His eyes never leaving hers and her hand securely grasped in his. He didn’t have an excuse for his continued behavior with her and he found he didn’t care to continue to contemplate.

“I’ve never danced this one… in public.” Penelope admitted. She was so unnerved by Colin’s continued attention she would have agreed to anything at that point.

Colin smiled down at her, playfully. “Do you trust me, Pen?”

“Of course, Colin.” She assured him again on a sigh. “But this one is… what if I miss a step?” She was doubting herself and her ability to actually move after Colin’s kiss on her fingers.

“Penelope Featherington, you are an amazing dancer. You will be fine. He pulled her closer to the dance floor, but waited for her acquiescence. Colin looked her over as if he couldn’t bear for her to refuse him. "Please do me the honor?”

“Yes, Colin.” She smiled brightly at him. Her smile more luminescent than the globes of artificial light, her eyes sparkled more than the fireworks display. She even rivaled the stars that night as he spun her around and around on the dance floor.

It was a beautiful night indeed.