#and now all the sensations are just bad
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#yesterday was my first bad pain day without grunkle stan Ever#because i got him right at the beginning of developing chronic pain#my hands hurt really bad and before i could just pet him#didn't take fine motor control but mostly it was a good sensation#hands hurting is really debilitating. and like. uniquely frustrating#the things i do to make myself feel better mentally when i'm feeling bad physically require my hands#EXCEPT petting my cat. i could pet him and feel good and he was a good sensation while every other sensation was bad#and now all the sensations are just bad#i miss him so much
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does anyone else find heart palpitations just. extremely unpleasant? like i know theyre not ~bad or anything but i still Hate having them
#idk it just freaks me out having my heart thump so noticeably#been having p bad heart palpitations all night (idk if its a period thing or what. i assume it is?) and it suuuuucks#also my heartrate has been SO high lately#like my fitbit has been saying my avg resting is like?? 75???#when normally its abt 60#and usually theres a rly obvious drop off when im asleep vs awake#but now my heartrate is high even while sleeping???#bp is still low tho#n im definitely still potsy lol#its just. weird#i dont like it#i hate strange heart-related sensations#very disconcerting
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Ben is so multitalented so proud of him.
#jack of all trades boy#its fine that you're the weakest spiderman and get your ass kicked so often#i wouldn't trust any of these freaks to cook a nice meal or drive somewhere and fix the sink#none of these fuckers know french#ladies and gentlemen he's the whole package#he sews he cooks he drives he thinks he's very funny he looks sensational in tights#he's dabbling in magic now which- bad for him but thats just another thing that he can do#he gets himself into a lot of trouble though so get him an airtag
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Many many irl things are happening at the moment that’s why I’ve been gone for so long terribly sorry for that 💀
#also my brain has been shit. so. :)#yeahhh#kinda been feeling like….hmm how to describe it.#the thing that immediately popped into my head is that awful kinda painful feeling when you have a numb foot#and it’s in the middle of waking up so you don’t wanna move it because the sensation is so awful#that’s kinda my mental state right now#nice not being on social media at all very much. constant stream of discourse and bad news about the world was fucking with me too lol#everything’s been generally feeling like dragging my feet through a bed of nails. I’ll try to be fully back soon but I don’t know when lol#I guess this is me majorly isolating myself in a way? who knows 🤷#just. low energy basically#anyway#I do have art to share#which I will once I get my brain together 👍#by the way. before I go back to sleep and forget.#did I mention that I was going to participate in art fight this year? because I am :)#anyway I’ll gather up art when I wake up and dump it all on your sweet babby heads 👍
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The good news is I accomplished my mission of buying trousers, the bad news is my knee is SUPER unhappy about it
#i bought cargo pants and a pair of sort of weird stretchy pants that are not smart Exactly#but are visibly not pyjamas so i will feel fairly comfortable roaming around in the world in them#also a big soft jumper#then my knee started complaining so i had to leave#it was feeling unstable and i was getting stabbing pains and.. sort of a pulling sensation in the back of my knee#i think it’s scar tissue. i had a lot of muscle fibre tears in the back of my knee and also in my hamstring#and my physio used to break them down with a massage gun but i don’t go to physio anymore because i’m ‘supposedly’ okay#maybe i could buy a massage gun. or like.. what can i even DO about scar tissue moving around in my body#don’t say ‘do your physio exercises’ i already know#oh i also decided to celebrate a month of sobriety by ordering weed cake. i don’t want to hear about it#look i was never planning on coming off it permanently. i just wanted to save money and fix my tolerance#now i’ve got all my bank shit straightened out and my tolerance is probably back to normal#girl when i tell you i was eating 100-200mg gummies and they were having no effect#it was BAD#oh in other news my spanish textbook arrived today and i thought i was just getting the book#but the 4 audio cds and a transcription booklet are included as well?? slay#i even have a working cd player for once. this is awesome#personal
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It is fucking amazing how often I have to unfollow people for bodyshaming others related to their choice to shave or not. And the fascinating thing is that this judginess is ALWAYS aimed at women. Men who don't shave? Fine. Men who do shave? Also fine. It's their body, they can do what they like with it, right?
But as soon as we're talking about women, suddenly it's totally okay to prescribe what they ought to do about their OWN bodies. I never used to see this many "women shouldn't shave" posts here, and the recent uptick is concerning to me.
I understand that it's rooted in a pushback against patriarchal norms that pressure all women to remove their body hair. And I fully support that. But you've gotta understand that if you react to these norms by saying "women should all shave? actually no, women should NOT shave!" ...YOU'RE STILL BEING SEXIST. You're still saying that women "should" do something different with their bodies because YOU think they ought to.
It's absolutely wild to me how often internalized misogyny can be revealed by simply asking oneself "If the genders were switched, would I be saying this (in any context except as a joke)?" And if the answer is no, then... maybe don't say it.
Freedom is always more revolutionary. Letting people make their own choices is always more revolutionary. If you react to someone's attempt to enforce a certain standard by attempting to enforce the opposite standard instead, you are not on the side of freedom.
#i'm thinking of so many people when i make this post#i'm thinking of trans girls who are so excited to shave because it makes them feel happier in their bodies#i'm thinking of Black women who often have a different approach to “traditional femininity” than white women do#for reasons that are related to historical racism and are way too complex to get into here (and also none of my business cuz i'm white)#i'm thinking of neurospicy folks of all genders who can't handle the sensation of body hair (but only the women get shamed for removing it)#NONE of these people should have to justify or defend the choices they make about their own bodies#and none of them should be made to feel like a bad representative of their gender for something as trivial as hair removal decisions ffs#and i say this as someone who is fully hairy all over right now#(i can't handle the sensation of leg hair under leggings or trousers)#(so i have to keep my legs hairless in winter to avoid going insane)#(but right now it's summer and it's hot so i'm not wearing anything on my legs most days)#(and that means i can let the hair grow free and wild)#anyway please do not reblog this one i'm just venting#the lack of consistent thought... it's wild#mfs out here calling themselves 'feminists' and then in the same breath enforcing certain beauty standards on women#p.s. my apologies for the gender-binary language in this post#i was aware of it at every moment but this post is largely 'women vs. men' oriented so in the end i decided to leave it#definitely not meant to be exclusionary in any way#cosmo gyres#text#tag rant#i guess most of the people reblogging these 'women should never shave' posts are probably terfs anyway#so i suppose it makes a convenient block list. sigh
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I'm so grateful that my autism has sort of mellowed out as I aged, and that I'm less sensitive sensory-wise. because it's just so... I don't know, embarrassing? to think back on every meltdown.
it's embarrassing because everything hurt so badly, but it's not something I could talk about because it was all just mountains out of molehills. it's like having a breakdown and screaming over a paper cut, it's hard to even talk about without it sounding incredibly silly or making myself sound oversensitive and pathetic.
#personal#actually autistic#one example I'm thinking of right now#is I recall one morning when we were getting ready for school#and my mom was doing hair spray for herself#and she asked if I wanted some#but I never even heard her and she thought she heard me say yes#and I'm normally fine with hairspray#but it was such an unexpected sensation#and it was so painful honestly#like not physically painful but just incredibly distressing#like in that moment nothing else mattered because this was my entire world and that world was pure panic#and I remember spending the next twenty minutes aggressively brushing out my hair#even when my scalp started to hurt I kept frantically trying to get it back to a Normal Texture#and it's such an embarrassing memory because it was literally just a tiny bit of hairspray#and I was CRYING and frantic about it#and my mom couldn't really understand why I was upset. she thought I wanted it anyways#and that's just one scenario of many like it#something tiny would always hurt me so bad. and obviously nobody understood because it was tiny and stupid#it's just my silly cringe childhood where I was a pathetic aggressive crybaby about nothing#and to me it was all incredibly painful and nobody truly understood
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sorry for taking ages with down then left. i have lost all confidence in my writing style and i'm trying to clutch at the remnants of it with desperate trembling hands. you know how it is
#i still feel really new to writing fiction. it's not my thing and never has been. it doesn't flow or click like academic writing does#i'm still trying to figure out what works and what doesn't. and i have no idea how to go about doing that#all i know is that what i've written over the past few weeks has been genuinely fucking awful#not in a 'talking myself down to try and be humble' way just genuinely really bad. i'm not back in the swing of it yet#the last fic i posted was fine. i'm really happy with it. but it was very different to dtl#dtl is far more vulnerable and personal and introspective and rambly. it's more like writing a journal than telling a story#and i've cut myself off from my own emotions for the past few months so that i can work more effectively#and now its like oh i need to access the sensation of being a living human again. where did it go. i'm just a vacuous cavern
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how are my mutuals doing
#not fandom related#personal log stardate#i was busy the last few days writing a report for class. on friday i spent 9 hrs w writing 😬 im drained now from the past few days#exams start in 2 weeks so i basically have to spend all my free time studying starting from today ugh#ive been on T for a little over 2 weeks now haven't noticed any changes so far except maybe some ~sensations~ considering voice and#bottom growth. my throat has hurt a bit for a few days but i might also just have gotten a cold. i feel however like my voice is a little#deeper right after waking up and trying to speak deeper than my usual speaking voice has become a bit easier. i have to put effort into it#though. also bottom growth idk if the sensations are just a usual phase of sensations dowm there that i sometimes get anyway#or if it's actual bottom growth. i could be imagining the voice and bottom growth stuff. that's how tiny the changes in sensation are#still it makes me euphoric 😁#i haven't talked to my family abt trans stuff again and there's a slight tension between us that im not sure what to do w#but im seeing my therapist this week to discuss all of this#i don't have any health updates bc i haven't seen that doctor again yet my next appointment is in april and since I didn't get a call from#them i suppose nothing is urgently bad so i hope it's all just fine but ill hear abt it in april
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So. I had been listening to a song and thought, 'Huh. This is going on for a while, isn't it?" So I checked, and.... hm.
#I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD HAVE A 37 MINUTE SONG#WHAT THE FUCK DEFTONES????????????? also long tags i start rambling about random stuff. as I do.#listening to their sophomore album. not as much a fan of it as some of their other stuff but it's still fun#i've really enjoyed exploring their discography more#even though I don't pay much attention to the lyrics#some music is mostly about lyrics to me but others it's just vibes#this is vibes to me#it is good noise!!!!#rather than something I'd take time to really listen to on a lyrical level. no meaning I really care to pick apart as of right now#Their lyrics seem somewhat sparse and like separate trains of thought anyways rather than cohesive stories within a song#not a bad thing at all!!!!! I like it. just an observation#but again I am saying this after liking a few main songs and only just now diving deeper into the discography#so maybe i'm entirely wrong!!!!#but it is somewhat shattered and meandering rather than start to finish like your bluegrass. not the linear storytelling aspect to it#not at all to say they're meaningless though because they aren't#just a bit more vague or winding and fractured about how they deliver that meaning I guess.#but again I can vibe with that#i do think a lot of rock songs tend to put more emphasis on emotion and sensation over story but that's a whole thing i won't get into#partially because it's past 1 am#but also partially because I don't have the actual intelligence on the topic to back myself up. it's purely anecdotal#just something I noticed#which could very easily be skewed by the type of music I gravitate towards within the genre for all I know#but again. 1 am. not the time to dissect the theoretical... uh.. methodology i guess? of how I would go about measuring that.#it's soooo interesting but I am not well versed enough to really discuss it BUT I WANT TO BE#goddamn it I wish I had been more. uh. well in high school. I would have loved the analysis stuff#shakespeare actually is very fun to read!!!!! but that gets into a whole other thing i have about how schools tend to teach stuff like that#they suck the fun and theatrics out of it#and it's the fun and fascination that drives kids to want to pick it apart and think about it.#but again. whole other topic. goodnight i am cutting this off here before i keep going about random shit
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#Bad night.#So ive mentioned my hyperawareness a lot lately#which is formally called ‘Sensorimotor’ or ‘Somatic’ OCD#and basically it involves episodes where I become overly hyperaware of natural bodily sensations#and my primary focus is breathing#so for the last 4-5 weeks it’s felt like someone’s squeezing my lungs and chest#for the first 2 weeks I was hyper focused on manually breathing#and now it’s that horrible chest tightness and associated anxiety that’s killing me#it’s just#…it’s really shitty#And tonight especially has been horrible#….yeah! that’s all. rant over ;u;
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I know the executive dysfunction that comes with writing papers and with approaching deadlines but please write the essay!!!
im struggling with the same thing please write it!
you’re so sweet for caring ty!! im on it im on it (reluctantly) no worries<3 i hope you‘ll be able to write yours too, good luck! xx
edit: just realised you probably meant you’re struggling with the same thing in general and not acutely lol nonetheless..wishing u well<33
#I’ve just unlocked this new sensation last year that whereas ive def used to procrastinate everything to the last minute#the adrenaline that came with the approaching deadline and the anticipation of the consequences should i not make it#eventually made me write kinda rly good essays#and nowadays im like yea i rationally know that i better do this task bc i rationally know the consequences are Bad™️ (it's my last#essay ever too it would be sooo unwise to get expelled now lol like ik that) but like….. the feeling of panic+adrenaline is gone#like i reeeallly do not emotionally care abt it at all#which is just weird and just makes it very very very hard for me to actually sit down and write lol. guess it's la dépressione#but anyways thank you for this msg<3333#me#ask
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man we have been living in this body for over two entire decades you'd think by now I'd understand what half the sensations i feel MEAN
#i have been feeling Vaguely Gross and Uncomfortable all day for no apparent reason#and usually my tactic with that is tackle basic human needs first and then go from there#but those didn't work so i was just kinda vaguely uncomfortable all day#finally figured it out just now. nails are too long and hands were uncomfortable. that's it. just need to clip my nails.#the other day i was struggling to figure out what the Bad Sensation was bc it was Acting Different Than Usual#usually being really hungry just makes us disassociate but we got weirdly panicky instead#and usual Panic Fixes didn't work so we were Stuck Confused for like two hours until we finally considered eating#and like every time this happens when we finally find the Fix it's like. woagh. +20 hp. immediate better#like could we maybe start speedrunning the whole figuring out part and get right to the feeling better--
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My roommate hotboxed our dorm room. Can't have shit in Massachusetts
#im all for weed smoking but she kicked me out for hours to hang out with this guy and now our room smells bad#and my Shoes Are Wet thats not her fault but its contributing to the over-all Too Many Sensations#i just wanna lay in bed man now ive gotta stay in the common area (at least i could get my phone charger)#mike says words
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What is it about externalizing one's emotions that makes it so [vague hand gestures of annoyance] mmmmrrreh? I'll think about something for months or be really bad off and not shed a single tear about it, but as soon as I start telling my best friend or my partner, the waterworks just start up. The fuck is up with that and can it stop also
#our little lives don't count at all!#there are a LOT of blanks in my memory from when my depression was really bad as a teen/young adult and yet#I distinctly remember wondering constantly what was wrong with me because I cried so very little#even in the very worst of it I remember not crying and wondering what was wrong with me.#sorta the same now. I don't cry when alone but as soon as I start telling my loved ones... boom. the tears start up.#it makes me feel AWFUL. number one crying is just a Bad sensation and physically draining#but also it is so so SO embarrassing because I genuinely do not enjoy any part of crying.#people say that it is cathartic and that they feel better after. COMPLETELY unrelatable. I feel infinitely worse.#[sigh]. there is just a lot going on in my brain and life recently. everything feels piled on with little relief or rest. got me thinkin.
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casually spiraling and dont think there's anything i can do about it at this point anymore. i wanna just give up and let myself spiral.
#something something alcohol disclaimer#what is it about depression that has a siren call no matter how well you're doing. why would i ever think it's more comfortable and safe...#been in denial for a bit now; thinking that even if i was sad i was at least dealing wtih it better than i would have in years past#that i'm just normal sad - normal ups and downs. that i was in 'control' and wouldn't fall as Low™️ as being more than 'normal sad' again#i know where things changed for me back in feb and i've been trying to 'get back to myself' since then but i keep falling flat#i've been so terrified of going back to who i was before i was doing so well and yet i feel like it's happening#i'd never done so well for so long and thought i was somewhat safe#thought i had more awareness and coping mechanisms to handle inevitable sad times in life#but almost half the year is passed now and everything is one step forward and either one or two steps back#i'm trying so hard all the time. i work hard at myself#and for what? just to get to many more nights like this where i feel like i'm not trying at all and want to let myself rot?#like the garbage i feel like i am?#i'm either spinning my wheels or getting worse. and i feel like thinking that itself is a bad sign and is hould be fighting that thought.#but it's an observation...#sometimes it's so relieving to just give up#my heart hurts and i keep getting teh anxiety tummy of constant butterflies/the sensation of zero g#every minor thing feels like the end of the world#i want to sob and drink and cvt/burn and shop and smoke weed and drive 100 mph and eat an#anyway thanks for coming to my emotional rampage if you've read this far lolz uwu#*throws self into kink for psychologically relevant catharsis & comfort*#personal
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