#and nothing of her with extremely sharp teeth or looking super angry or at LEAST covered in blood

[luminiera-merge]

every time you draw an angry murder lady blushing in anime maid outfits or fluttering her eyelashes at the camera submissively or whatever instead of half covered in blood like she naturally should be an angel loses its wings

[chaotic-tired-cat]

world walker to date is one of my most favorite fanfics ever. it's so well-written! not too op, with real difficulties and plot, but still light-hearted and funny! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 i hope life smoothens out for you so we can get an update of this awesome story! :D :D :D

Aaaa thanks Anon!! This ask made me super happy - I'm glad you like World Walker and that it hit the right balance between angst and comedic moments (tbh that's one of the things that's really hard to get right). Things are still hectic but as soon as they're not that chapter is getting finished!!!

Since it might be a while, have a post-World Walker scene from the pov of a couple civilians. It was written to try out Cryptid as Izuku's hero name (/^o^)/

(Note: this scene isn't canon to World Walker and was written before I knew how the story would end.)

“Why do you even think this is going to work?” Yua hovers around Mariko’s efforts in the Denny’s parking lot, careful to avoid stepping on the complicated design taking place under Mariko’s second piece of chalk. The first one was sacrificed to ward off a raccoon. They specifically chose to do this after midnight for the ambiance, but Yua is starting to have second thoughts.

It’s very dark, and they’re both fem-presenting teenagers with emitter quirks in a deserted part of town.

This is not a good place to be.

“I got the pattern off a hero,” Mariko assures her. “You know how I was in the gym when Uravity's fight hit school, right?”

Yes, and Yua is trying desperately to forget the worst day of her life, thank you.

“Uravity and Cryptid dug me out, but it was weird, because he drew this symbol on a piece of the roof and it just- stayed. In the air. Even when nothing was supporting it.” Mariko pauses, beaming at the magic circle that’s mostly made of lines and squiggles to complete the aesthetic. One of the symbols doesn't look right. It slides out of focus, and Yua carefully steps back, because hell no.

“How is that supposed to help us summon a ghost-”

“Finished! Start filming, hurry, hurry, hurry!” Mariko drops her piece of chalk as Yua scrambles to swipe open her camera. Before Yua can stop her, Mariko has drawn a pocket knife, cut the pad of her thumb, and is smearing blood on the unsanitary parking lot ground.

Delightful.

Her hand is going to get so infected.

That’s right about when the air above the circle tears itself apart.

Mariko shrieks. Yua almost runs, then remembers herself and makes sure her phone is pointed at the sliver of starlight shining out of thin air. She knows her horror film tropes. Whatever they released into the world is taking them first, but she can at least get a video account to warn people of what they did.

Eaten by a demon or some shit. That’s a bomb-ass obituary.

Pro Hero Cryptid crashes out of the portal, one hand protectively wrapped around a bowl half-full of salad. His Uravity sweatshirt mostly obscures Froppy sweatpants, but Yua is more alarmed by the fact that Cryptid looks surprisingly human. No needle-sharp teeth, no starlit eyes. Spinach flutters to the ground around the hero in a gentle shower of greenery that nestles in his curly hair as if adding to the foliage. He stares blankly at them, then at the scribbles under his feet, before pointing a truly pissed-off look at the sky.

“Are you serious?” Cryptid yells at the city skyline. A spinach leaf falls off his shoulder. “Right in front of my salad?”

“Holy shit,” Yua whispers, and discovers that she can, in fact, be more embarrassed than the time their teacher made the whole class sing ‘Happy Birthday’ while she stood in silent mortification on a chair. “We summoned him.”

Mariko claps both hands over her mouth to keep in her laughter, eyes wide. “We really did.”

This seems to draw the hero’s attention back to them.

“You two okay? Yes? Nobody’s hurt? Oh, thank goodness.” Cryptid stabs a fork into his vegetables, shoves it into his mouth, and makes grabby hands for the chalk. Mariko passes it over with a potent mix of awe and glee.

“I am so sorry,” Yua breathes.

Mariko sniffs. “I’m not.”

“And I’m glad to be summoned,” Cryptid finishes with a sunshine-smile. He’s very… human. The wrinkled eyebrows he directs at Mariko’s chalk art do not resemble the otherworldly creature that showed up during All Might’s last battle. “Better for me to be dropped here than for y’all to get… hm. Yeah, this is good.”

Hm?

Hm??

What does ‘hm’ mean?

Yua reaches over and frantically swats at Mariko’s sweatshirt in an attempt at telepathically communicating her many, many feelings concerning accidentally summoning a hero into this godsforsaken Denny’s parking lot.

“How did you find a stasis glyph?” Cryptid mumbles around his fork.

“Copied it from you. My quirk lets me mimic actions if I see them without blinking.” Mariko peers around his shoulder at the lines taking form.

“That’s such a cool quirk,” Cryptid tells her instantly. “Do you need a clear line of sight? Is it only capable of copying real-life actions or can you use recordings? Oh, are you limited to your own flexibility and strength, or is this a mirror skill instead of a mimic? You could use that for anything, it’s a very adaptable power.”

Yua cautiously edges closer to give the camera a better angle at the ground while Mariko preens. “What are you even doing?”

“Editing. Here, look- right there, you tied it down with intent contrary to the meaning.” Cryptid shuffles over so she can see and points out a circled section. He smudges out the blurry patch.

Mariko watches eagerly as the hero replaces it with a mishmash of lines that Yua can actually make sense of. “I don’t understand any of what you just said, but hell fuckin’ yeah, you funky lil’ cryptid.”

“Oh, sorry. I get called whenever the void gets angry, and this is the language it speaks,” Cryptid says, like this makes sense. He taps the lines eagerly. “Put a stasis glyph on the ground and continents will stop shifting, which is a whole lot of bad news."

"Uh huh," Mariko says. Yua swats at her again, because there's no way she understands and going along with this for entertainment value alone is going to get them into some sort of horror movie B-Plot.

Cryptid just looks amused. "Next time you need to experiment, use a paper base instead of the concrete. It’s safer. And- is that blood?”

“Maybe,” Mariko says, partially as a dare for him to say anything because she isn’t really the type to listen to anyone, regardless of if they’re a hero. “It worked, didn’t it?”

“Huh. Yeah, you got me there.” Cryptid puts his bowl of salad on the ground and fishes around in his Uravity sweatshirt for a tiny med kit.

“Where’d we go wrong,” Mariko asks, like they are ever going to try this again. Yua hisses for her to stop and is ignored with the extreme confidence of someone determined to keep making the same continuous mistake until success is summoned through stubborn willpower alone.

“You didn’t need to hurt yourself.” Cryptid bandages her hand, slips away the medkit, and says gravely, “Blood never brings anything good.”

“Holy shit,” Yua repeats as Cryptid takes a bite of salad and goes right back to his art project like this happens every other Tuesday. Mariko glares at her, but honestly, this is the wildest thing.

The hero keeps saying things.

“Not to lecture either of you, but it’s a bad idea to mess around with unborn languages without supervision.” Cryptid hands back the chalk and takes another bite of his salad. “This stuff can blow up in your face. So, can I escort you guys anywhere? Because it’s a little dark and this isn’t exactly the safest part of town.”

That’s about when Yua realizes something under the spinach is glowing.

[unsteadygalaxy]

all is soft inside

Mirage doesn't really think any Legend really, definitely cares about him for him. Not for his skills or his assets for a team- him specifically. But Bloodhound... Bloodhound is different.

And that confuses the hell out of him.

Also posted on ao3 at: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26475064/chapters/64513456 

you are here at chapter 1 | next

A/N: I’ve made some revisions to the first three chapters! I think they flow a little better and I’m finally happy with them.

Update Feb. 2, 2021: Hi again! I just wanted to make a quick note in light of the release of Pathfinder's Quest. I started planning and writing this fanfiction before the lore book came out, so this fic will not align with either of their canon backstories. I absolutely loved the book and the canon backstory we have for all the Legends, especially Pathfinder and Bloodhound! I won't spoil anything, but you guys should absolutely get your hands on a copy as soon as you can. Enjoy!

1. i bear a shadow

The row of glasses set out on the counter are mocking him.

Come on, Elliott, he thinks, that’s dumb. He picks one up and starts to polish it. Cups are inanimate objects. They don’t have feelings. But the water spots on each glass seem to stare at him like little eyes, scrutinizing him, and yeah, mocking him. 

“You could leave me alone, you know,” he mutters, and he feels dumb for speaking to the open air. There’s no one in the bar- it had closed forty minutes ago, and only Elliott remains. But an empty bar plus an on-edge Elliott is a recipe for disaster, because his thoughts tended to wander.

And they are not wandering to the best of places tonight.

His thoughts are lingering on his mother, and he knows he isn’t doing himself any favors by dwelling on her. He knew her Alzheimer’s had been getting worse for months, but there was no way to prepare himself for what happened the week before. He called her every couple of days to check in on her- he’d been doing it for almost a year. When she had picked up the phone, she had seemed distracted and upset, but the worst moment of all came when she asked him who he was. 

‘Oh, Mom, you’re- you’re such a jokester,’ he stammers, his heart dropping straight into his stomach. ‘Ha, yeah, that was great. Good one. Anyways, Mom-’

‘Mom?’ she asks, and her voice is confused on the other end of the line. ‘I’ve got kids? Well, damn! Would you look at that?’ She laughs, and Elliott has to force himself to laugh with her, because his heart is churning in his stomach acid and he’s one hundred percent positive that if he didn’t, he’d be crying. 

He hasn’t told anyone, of course, because he doesn’t really know how to. How do you casually bring up the fact that your mother doesn’t remember you anymore? A cynical side of him whispers, Who would care anyway? But he pushes that away, because he knows he’s cared about.

He hopes he’s cared about. 

It’s not a secret that he’s been having a hard time in the Games lately. He’s been distracted and fuzzy-headed and frustrated, and he doesn’t think he’s broken top 5 in at least a month. The pay hasn’t been as consistent either, and while Elliott is managing, the margin between his income and his bill for his mother’s memory care was alarmingly small. He feels like he’s in a constant state of panic. If he wasn’t winning, if he wasn’t making as much as he needed, how would he-

The glass in his hand cracks and promptly shatters, sending water stained shards onto the counter below. One shard catches a ridge of skin as it falls, and Elliott swears profusely. The blood blooms across his skin, and the pain accompanies it. A sharp hiss flies from between his teeth, and he grabs a towel. He presses it to the fresh wound, grimacing as he stains the fabric.

“That looks painful, Elliott.”

Mirage whirls around to see a certain masked hunter leaning against the door frame, arms crossed. Bloodhound meets his gaze, or so he assumes; he can’t see their eyes behind their goggles.

“Hound! I, uh, no, what are you talking about?” he blurts, scrambling to hide his hands. “I’m fine, totally fine! More than fine, in fact. I’m totally peachy! How about you?”

Bloodhound sighs. “Elliott, please do not lie. I saw you injure yourself.”

“Lie? Who, me?” Mirage scoffs, though his insides have become uncomfortable with shame. Bloodhound’s sudden presence made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, and he’s still waiting for his body to calm down.

Bloodhound sighs once more. They shake their head and pull a bandage from one of their many pockets and approach the bar swiftly.

“Really, Hound, I’m fine!” he insists, backing away from the bar. “Don’t worry about me, I can just go bother Ajay or something-”

“Elliott.” Bloodhound’s voice is commanding, yet gentle. “Be still.”

Elliott’s knees promptly turn to jelly.

Bloodhound takes a seat across the bar and removes their gloves. All thoughts of his mother forgotten for now, it strikes Elliott that he has never seen Bloodhound’s hands. Or any other part of them without their gear. Silvery scars stretch across their hands in spider web patterns, and their fingers are calloused and worn. 

“W-What happened to your hands?” Elliott stutters, before he can stop himself.

“That is a story for another time,” Bloodhound murmurs, their voice soft and quiet through the modulator. “Please give me your hand.”

Elliott does not press the matter. “Uh… hold on.” He pushes the spotted glasses aside and offers his bleeding hand. Bloodhound takes it gently. They cradle his hand in their fingers as though he is something valuable and precious, and Elliott’s cheeks redden. He finds himself feeling extremely glad he didn’t trim his beard this morning. 

Bloodhound guides him to the sink from across the bar, and turns the knob. They place his hand under the faucet and begin to clean Elliott’s wound. Their fingertips ghost across his skin and a silent hope forms in Elliott’s chest before he squashes it. Whoooaaa there, buddy. You barely know Bloodhound. Calm down.

Pain lances through his palm, and he flinches. Bloodhound notices this, and they say something in their language that Mirage does not understand.

“What was that?”

“Fyrirgefðu mér. I am sorry.”

“Oh. Don’t worry about it,” Elliott replies. “I’ve had worse. Much worse. In fact, this is the most boring la- lacer... injury I’ve ever had! Super easy to deal with, and-”

“Elliott, please,” Bloodhound says firmly. “You are allowed to feel the pain you bear.”

Mirage falls silent, shame and frustration rising in his chest. All of his emotions feel turbulent, roiling, volatile. The words bubble out and over like an exploding bottle of soda before he can stop himself. 

“No offense, Hound, but who are you to tell me anything? I don’t know a damn thing about you.” He jerks his hand away and wraps it back up in the towel, cringing slightly as his hand meets the old blood. “You’re this mysterious badass who always makes the top five in every damn match you play. How could you know what disappointment is like?” He turns his back to them and picks up the broken glass, then tosses it angrily into the trashcan to his left. “Who do you even have to lose? You don’t talk to any of us. You barely show up here. Why are you even here right now? We know next to nothing about you. Hell, I don’t even know your name! How am I supposed to trust you outside of the arena, much less inside?” HIs words are angry and bitter, and he spits them out like bullets firing from a gun.

“You think I do not know pain?” Bloodhound’s voice is quietly angry. Mirage stops in his tracks, and the shame washes through his stomach once more. “You think I have not lost anyone I love? You think that because I am successful, I do not know the meaning of suffering?”

“No, Hound, I-”

“That is not my name!” they exclaim, and for the first time, Mirage is afraid of the person standing in front of him. “My name is Bloðhundur, and you will address me as such.”

“Bloodhound, look, I-”

“I have known verkur of the deepest kind,” they snarl, standing up from the bar suddenly. “I have seen horrors that will haunt me for the rest of my life, horrors that would keep even the robot andskoti up at night. You think you are the only one to know suffering and anguish?” They scoff, and deftly slide their hands back into their gloves. “You think you are entitled to my story? To my identity? No, Elliott. That is a right few have ever received.”

“Bloodhound, I’m sorry. I didn’t think-”

“And therein lies the problem.” A pause. Then, “The presence of success does not mean there is an absence of pain. The path to victory is fullur af sársauka. Full of pain. Even outside of the arena.”

And with that, they leave as quietly as they came, leaving Elliott alone with his thoughts once more.

[poor-wifi-uwu]

Veil ch.2

The Jiangs... discuss. The Triad Alliance fares no better.

Wei Wuxian tapped his fingers against his elbows, afraid any more visible movements would break the delicate atmosphere in the room. He had never thought silence could be so loud and sharp, unsettling like nails on glass.

He can practically feel his sister’s rapid heartbeat as she tries to maintain her serene smile in the tension. Jiang Cheng just looked down, afraid to meet his mother’s eyes lest he can’t give her a satisfying response. Wei Wuxian had never seen him so still and tight, not missing the delicate tremble of his fists clenched in his lap. Uncle Jiang and Madam Yu had gone from dumbfounded blustering to outright glaring at each other.

Without raising his head, Wei Wuxian cast a glance at the crumpled letter lying pitifully on the floor between them all.

It never ceased to amaze him how much damage a single sheet of paper could cause. 

The last thing anyone expected was for the Gusu emperor’s personal guard to come all the way into the enemy capital just to deliver a letter. They couldn’t imagine what contents the letter might contain to go to such extremes. Judging by the specially bred royal courier falcon they left before returning to Gusu, whatever it was required a response. 

It was addressed to Wei Wuxian.

After checking it over for any traps, the royal family stared at the letter for a few minutes, debating whether or not to open it. Finally, Wei Wuxian snatched the letter and cut it open before he could talk himself out of it.

Wei Wuxian is a genius, but no matter how many times he read the letter he couldn’t make sense of it. As Wei Wuxian’s face got more and more confused, eventually Jiang Cheng couldn’t take it anymore and grabbed the letter for himself. A moment later he made this choking sound like a dying cat, face growing red from outrage.

Jiang Yanli looked worriedly at the two, holding her hand out hesitantly, “A-Cheng, could I see it?” When he doesn’t react, she gently slips the paper out of his stiff hand.

Jiang Fengmian and Madam Yu move to stand beside her as all three glanced down at the paper with interest. Through his confusion, Wei Wuxian found their changing expressions kind of funny. Jiang Fengmian had this indignant scowl as if watching some pig eat his prized cabbage. Shijie’s smile kept getting wider as her jaw clenched. Madam Yu was like a living lightshow with how many different colors she was going through. I mean, it’s shocking and all but isn’t this a bit much?

It’s just a marriage proposal.

And really, it was a godsend. Within that letter was an offer to end the war in exchange for Wei Wuxian’s entry into the imperial harem. 16 years of war, over just like that. Remembering the Yiling incident Wei Wuxian had to shake his head. This emperor sure was an interesting guy.

Wei Wuxian downed his cup of wine before setting it down firmly with an audible thunk, shattering the silence and whipping everyone’s eyes in his direction, “Well, I can definitely say I did  not  see that coming.”

Madam Yu bristled, “Speaking with such a tone!”

“Wei Wuxian, this isn’t the time to make jokes!” Jiang Cheng shot an exasperated glare at him.

Wei Wuxian lazily swirled the drop of wine left in his cup, “Why not?” Without moving he lifted his eyes up, “Aren’t jokes common in a celebration?”

Jiang Cheng choked, “Cele—!”

Jiang Yanli took a nervous step forward, “A-Xian, I understand where you’re coming from, but I wouldn’t classify this as a celebration exactly…”

Wei Wuxian raised an eyebrow at her, “Why not? All we have to do is send me to Gusu for one night to lie down and look pretty and the war will be over!” Before even Uncle Jiang could process the words Jiang Cheng whipped his head around,

“Absolutely not! Forbidden! You must stay a virgin till you’re thirty!” Wei Wuxian choked and raised a bemused eyebrow at Jiang Cheng, who was flushing red at his slip. Refusing to look in Wei Wuxian’s direction, he glared at a corner of the wall and bit out, “Anyway, you’re not going. Rejected!”

“Okay, look, it’s not like I want to get married either!” Wei Wuxian huffed, “But think about it, we can’t pass this opportunity. 

Madam Yu scoffed, “Of course we can’t, so send Yanli instead!”

Wei Wuxian jerked up, “Madam Yu, the letter is addressed to me.”

Jiang Cheng follows, “And what about A-Jie’s engagement with that Crown Prince Jin that you were trying to restore?”

She glared at Wei Wuxian out of the corner of her eye, “Well clearly that’s out of the question now that the Jin are on the other side!”

Jiang Yanli looked down, “Mother…”

Seeing his sister’s distress Wei Wuxian defended, albeit reluctantly, “Now I really  really  hate to give the peacock any credit, but he did nope himself out of the war from the very beginning.”

The Jin did not throw even have of their war resources into the Triad Alliance, mainly because the other half belonged to Madam Jin’s faction. Having been lifelong friends with Yu Ziyuan growing up in the Meishan Duchies, Madam Jin would never harm the Jiang Kingdom that she had married into. No one knows exactly why the arrogant crown prince Jin Zixuan would pass up such an opportunity to best his longtime annoyances Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng, and end his engagement with a woman he proclaimed unworthy of him. Rumors say he even directly refused to participate to his father’s face.

Wei Wuxian looked at his sister’s crestfallen expression at hearing the news. At least he got that last one.

Madam Yu turned to fully glare at him, “It doesn’t matter. We can no longer rely on a marriage with the Jin, so Yanli should go to Gusu. We’ll have that Wen girl prepare fertility medicine. Whatever the Lan are planning, once she gets pregnant her place in the imperial family will be secure.”

We Wuxian stood up and faced her, “Shijie is not just some bargaining chip! Besides, the letter clearly asked for me. Chances are it’s just a concubine position, too low for Shijie!”

Yu Ziyuan grit her teeth. No one ends a war for a concubine. She seethed, “Even concubine is too high for a servant like you!” Regardless of the number of wives, the first wife always has an advantage.

The doors slammed open as Wen Qing stormed into the room with a pissed off scowl, “Who are you to speak to him like that? Wei Wuxian is the only thing keeping this country afloat!” Once she reached them Wen Qing put her hands on her hips, Wen Ning quietly closing the doors behind her, “And don’t speak about my medical skills as if they’re some kind of commodity.”

Yu Ziyuan bristled, “And who are you to speak to me like that?! Insolent, have you forgotten the debt you owe Yunmeng for saving your lives?!”

In response to her angry shout, Wen Qing just shot her a cool glare, “I know my debts, unlike you. Yunmeng did nothing, it was Wei Wuxian who saved us.” She narrowed her eyes, “If anything, I distinctly remember you protesting his decision.”

Yu Ziyuan eye twitched as she sputtered, too angry at the audacity to form words. Wei Wuxian whistled lowly in his mind. You really have to admire Wen Qing. There are few people in the world willing to speak in such a way to Madam Yu, especially with the difference in power. MianMian is pretty feisty too, having grown confident in the face of authority since defecting from the Jin Kingdom. Suibian hasn’t listened to Madam Yu a day in his life, and A-Qing is a fearless little devil. Actually, even Wen Ning has defended Wei Wuxian to her face before. Then there’s...

Wei Wuxian blinked. Huh. now that he thinks about it, aside from his siblings his entire inner circle stands up to Yu Ziyuan. Ah, those crazy bastards. Wei Wuxian can’t imagine where he would be now without their support. Probably in an even worse place.

Maybe he wouldn’t have made it this far at all.

Jiang Cheng tried to bite back at her but was quickly shut down, never quite able to handle such a strong-willed personality. Instead he trained his glare at Wen Ning, who trembled behind a pillar with the confused eyes of a bullied hamster. 

Wen Qing sent him a warning look before schooling her face into its usual professional expression, “And I don’t think the question should be who will go, but if we accept.”

Jiang Fengmian nodded with a pensive expression, “I find it odd that Gusu is requesting A-Xian, the commanding General of Yunmeng’s army, for the marriage. They must know how outrageous that is?”

Wen Qing nodded, “Could be a power play. It’s not Gusu’s style, but the Jin wouldn’t hesitate to push their luck to take advantage of a situation.”

Wei Wuxian retorted, “Maybe if it was from Lan Xichen, but this letter is from the emperor himself. Lan Wangji doesn’t participate in these kinds of mind games.”

Jiang Cheng crossed his arms with an annoyed grumble, “You sure seem to trust that Lan Wangji quite a bit.”

Wei Wuxian shrugged his shoulders, “He’s never given me a reason not to.”

“Yeah, and he’s never given a reason to believe he might want a truce either.”

Wei Wuxian put his hands on his hips, “Well he’s given one now. And we should accept while we still have the chance.”

Jiang Cheng clenched his jaw, “And why would he even offer a ceasefire when they’re at such an advantage?”

Wei Wuxian grit his teeth, “Does it matter? Look, if this were the Jin or the Nie then I would be just as skeptical, but even now the Lan are sticking to their strict war etiquette. Scheming is not their forte.”

Jiang Cheng snapped, “Well it’s not like they’ve been so strict with their allies, have they? Gusu has gone along with the Jin and Nie’s actions before. Maybe they didn’t make this scheme themselves, but what’s to say they’re not just going along with it again?!”

Wei Wuxian tried to calm him down with an easy-going grin, “Say whatever you want about the other Lans, but Lan Wangji is a super stiff, rule-abiding fuddy-duddy. If he wanted to attack me to break through Yunmeng’s defenses, that guy would just charge me from the front in a one-on-one duel.” His smile settled slightly, “He’s never been the kind of guy to want a war. Maybe he wants it all to be over as much as we do.”

Yu Ziyuan scoffed at his naivety, Jiang Cheng following with a rebuke that had Wen Qing bristling with fury. Jiang Fengmian tried to pacify the two, only for Yu Ziyuan to quip about his pacifism. Soon the entire room had gone out of control, with everyone yelling over each other.

Wei Wuxian began to feel nauseous. They don’t have time for this! Can’t they see this is a golden opportunity? Why are they acting this way?!

Wei Wuxian took a shaky breath and grinned, ignoring Wen Qing’s concerned gaze, “Guys guys, haven’t we had enough already? This kind of chance doesn’t come by often. A marriage goes both ways, it’s not like we get nothing out of this. Besides,” his smile faltered for a split second, “what will happen if we don’t accept it?”

Jiang Cheng scoffed, “That makes us sound desperate.”

Wei Wuxian’s grin fell as he clenched his fist, “We are desperate.”

Jiang Cheng looked like he got slapped. Giving the other’s a quick glance, he leaned in to whisper, “If you just use that book, we’ll win in no time!”

“If I had known a treaty was coming I wouldn’t have used it at all!” Wei Wuxian whispered back with a glare.

Jiang Cheng got fed up, “Well you did!”.

Wei Wuxian froze.

Jiang Cheng glared at him, “All those years, all that sacrifice, just to give up like that! What did everyone die for then?!”

Wei Wuxian snapped, snatching the letter off the floor and shoving it in Jiang Chengs face, “THIS!  This  is what they died for: a way out of this damn war!”

Jiang Cheng knocked Wei Wuxian’s hand away, “And we can do that while winning! Just unleash hell on that damn Triad and this war will be over soon!”

Wei Wuxian glared, Or it can be over  now !”

He looked around the room, at his family getting ready to argue back, at Wen Qing’s complicated expression, at his other friends hiding behind the pillars with worried faces, “This war can end  right now , no more bloodshed, no more sacrifice. This is our best option right now and you all know it! This isn’t the time to let pride or hatred cloud our judgement.”

Jiang Cheng bit back bitterly, “Yeah, and it’ll end with our loss!”

Wei Wuxian sighed is disbelief, “Oh my god Jiang Cheng, how is it after all this time you still can’t see the difference between them winning and us losing!” He looked back at Jiang Fengmian, “We’re not signing the country away, it’s basically a truce. The Jiang family will still rule Yunmeng. At the very worst we’ll become a vassal state and pay taxes or let them in our ports for free or something. No matter how low the Lan  might  choose to go, it’s better than where we are now, and it’s much better than where we’ll be if we continue.”

Jinag Fengmian furrowed his brow in worry, “A-Xian, you don’t know that. It is dangerous to assume another’s intentions. What if this is a trap to get you alone and surrounded once you reach the capital? Even if you don’t believe Gusu would do such a thing, how about Lanling?” His voice took on a stern tone of finality, “A-Xian is too trusting, do not be so naive.”

Wei Wuxian couldn’t take it anymore, “And you all should stop fighting!”

The room froze.

“Every day, every damn day of the Yunmeng court’s infighting has led to this situation. How many times have we heard we could’ve won had we just cooperated with each other? How many times did court members make bad decisions just because a person they didn’t like agreed with the right option? Even now, in such a desperate situation, with such an obvious decision, we still can’t agree!”

Jiang Yanli tried to pacify him, “A-Xian, this kind of important decision, how can it be simple?”

Wei Wuxian bit his lip to stop from lashing out at her. Jiang Yanli has been the most understanding so far, her only reservations were with him being asked for specifically. Taking a calming breath, Wei Wuxian looked in her eyes, “Shijie, this war can only end two ways. When we accept this truce… or when one side is wiped out.” his eyes flicked to Wen Ning and Wen Qing for a moment before returning to gaze out at the Jiang royal family, “There is no decision to make.”

Seeing Jiang Fengmian’s complicated expression, Wei Wuxian shoulders slumped with the weight of his sigh. His fingers tightened around the letter in his hand, “Besides, I’ve seen the emperor’s signature and know a forgery when I see one. He signed this. And even if this is some grand plan of the Jin’s, the Lan are infamous for their rules. This is a binding agreement. As long as I reach the Cloud Recesses, they must honor it.”

Jiang Yanli looked down with a small frown, “...But does it have to be you?” Biting her lip she turned pleading eyes on Wei Wuxian, “A-Xian is a General! A leader, an inventor, a free spirit… A-Xian has so much ahead of him, while I can’t do anything. As a princess I have been prepared for this my whole life, so why does A-Xian have to be the one to give up everything?”

Wei Wuxian gave one slow blink, “Lan Wangji is a man of few words.” He met the Jiangs’ confused faces, “He would not have bothered to specify otherwise.”

And with that he turned to leave, only to be stopped by a whip striking the spot in front of him, “Who dismissed you?”

He turned his head sideways to look Madame Yu straight in the eye, “Did I ask to be dismissed?”

Then he took the time Madame Yu stood in shocked outrage to storm out the doors, his friends running after him.

The walk back to his room was quiet, no one knowing quite what to say. The marriage proposal, the arguing, Wei Wuxian’s slip… where do they start? Should they even start... or just let it go?

Meanwhile, Wei Wuxian was berating himself for losing control. Of all the times he needed their full trust in his decisions, and he had to be so emotional. He can’t have anyone doubt him at such a critical point. Wei Wuxian grips the door handle to his room tightly.

It feels as if his life has been nothing but critical points lately.

His room suddenly feels so nostalgic, knowing he’ll never come back here. He wonders if his family will preserve it, or if Madam Yu would repurpose it for something.

He sat on his bed softly.

Feeling himself sink into the mattress, he looked down to notice the bulge of a second futon over his mattress. He stroked the bulge with trembling fingers. Shijie must have set it up for him to rest after sleeping on rough cots for so long. Knowing Jiang Yanli, she must have gone through many kinds to find just the right one.

He wished he had the chance to try it.

Savoring one last moment of comfort, Wei Wuxian hopped off to go pack. He ignored the concerned eyes that followed, maintaining his nonchalant facade. He rolled up his clothes silently for a few moments, taking solace in maximizing his bag’s available space for another journey to a far-off land he doesn’t want to go to. The routine is more numbing than comforting, but anything that calms his pounding heart is welcome.

He turns to look for his shoes, only to see Wen Ning having silently crouched next to him, holding them out to him. He huffs in thanks, only for MianMian to sit on the other side with his writing materials, pointedly not looking at him. Wei Wuxian responds with a wry grin. Soon everyone is helping him pack, the room settling into a comfortable, if melancholic, silence.

Wei Wuxian is opening his travel trunk when Wen Qing asks almost in a murmur, “Are we going with you?”

He doesn’t pause his work, eyes trained on the various knick-knacks inside as he replies equally somber, “No…”

Wen Ning turned pleading eyes on him, “But Young Master…”

Wei Wuxian just continued to pick through for things he could fit in his travel bag, “No, Wen Ning. I need you guys here to take over for me. Anything could happen in the few days until the wedding, and then I’ll be a concubine in the inner palace. I don’t know how much freedom the emperor will grant me, so I need to make sure things don’t collapse while I’m gone.”

MianMian bit her lip, “How are you so sure you’ll be a concubine?”

Wei Wuxian paused his packing and looked up at them, “Because I’m a man.”

It took only a moment for them to understand.

With Gusu’s solidarity at the foundation of their advantages over Yunmeng, Wei Wuxian’s group had collected extensive intel on the inner workings of the Cloud Recesses. One of the ways the Lan prevent infighting is by setting strict rules for the inner court.

The emperor can only marry once, and the heirs must come from the official wife. Any concubine’s children are taken away to be raised as members of the clan in a communal setting to avoid any negative influences from the ambitious women.

By marrying Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji would essentially be cutting off his own royal line.

Wei Wuxian mused as he continued packing, “At best he’ll make me an Honored Concubine so we can have the wedding. A marriage ending a decade-plus long war needs to display some credibility after all. Official Lan ceremonies have to go through certain traditions to be counted, so it’s not technically breaking any rule.” he huffed a humorless laugh and muttered, “But Lan Wangji has always been a straightforward stickler for the rules. If it says one wedding, then he’ll have only one wedding, Lan traditions or not.”

Looking through his trunk one last time, Wei Wuxian gave up on finding his medicine bag and turned to slump against the bed frame, “Besides, I’m the enemy’s commander. I’m the last person they want seeing the Lan’s inner workings, so this is the only way they can ban me from engaging any politics without breaking their rules against discrimination.”

Wen Qing furrowed her brows, “And you’re still going to go?”

Wei Wuxian looked up at the ceiling with a sardonic smile, “Do I have a choice?”

No one spoke after that.

 Lan Wangji clenched the sachet in his sleeve as the dignitaries from the Triad Alliance sputtered in disbelief at his decision. The slightly worn fabric and almost fraying embroidery bringing him comfort in the face of this foolishness.

He made the right decision.

16 years is too long for a war, especially for such a pointless one. These people have the audacity to argue there have been much longer wars before, as if that justifies anything.

He almost regretted informing them of the marriage proposal, if only he wasn’t absolutely sure it was necessary. Although Gusu is the leader, Lan Wangji recognizes the respect that is owed to the Jin and Nie due to their alliance. Even if they are getting on his nerves.

The Jin are sitting with their jaws on the floor, eyes running through the bounties they were after and how this will affect their rewards. Nie Mingjue is holding back his outrage, confused why they would quit when they’re so close to the finish line. Nie Huaisang, who is always brought to these meetings for some reason, keeps opening and closing his fan nervously with a hidden glint of excitement.

His brother is the picture of grace and serenity as always despite dropping such a bombshell. His eyes quickly flicked to Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao, before facing forward again.

The tension was mounting among the audience in the room, but Lan Wangji himself was calm. Soon everything would be over and a new era would begin. His ears burned a bit red as he stroked the sachet. An era he hoped to lead with Wei Ying by his side.

“Are you out of your damn mind?”

Lan Wangji paused his ministrations to face Nie Mingjue. He stood strong in the face of the emperor’s attention, but Lan Wangji could see the rigid posture indicative of nervousness. Nie Hauisang went pale and looked like he was about to faint as Lan Xichen turned around to ask for leniency. Lan Wangji would not hold such an outburst against someone in a situation like this, he had always detested that in other rulers. Instead he just raised his hand in pardon and motioned for the king to continue. 

Nie Mingjue uncrossed his arms and argued his case, “Why call for a truce now? We’re this close to winning. I would think Gusu more than anyone would be pleased to finally conquer Yunmeng.”

Lan Wangji blinked, “16 years is enough.”

Nie Mingjue narrowed his eyes, “And with 16 years of work, why give up when victory is just on the horizon?”

“Is it?”

The room froze. Of... course it is? Just one look at Yunmeng’s state is enough for anyone to know. Jin Guangyao took the lead to speak, “Your Highness, with all due respect, it is impossible for Yunmeng to win this war.”

Lan Wangji closed his eyes, “ ‘Do the impossible.’ ” The audience blinked at him as Lan Wangji opened his eyes, “Yunmeng’s most treasured belief.”

Nie Mingjue bit back, “What Yunmeng believes and what they can do are completely separate.”

Lan Wangji thought of a sunshine smile in black armor, “Our opponent is not Yunmeng.” He spoke purposefully to the room, “Wei Wuxian.”

Nie Mingjue but back his retort and clenched his fist. What could he say? They’ve been fighting this war for years and yet the enemy is still holding on no matter what they do, all because of one man. A near impregnable defense and a terrifying offense, Wei Wuxian is a one man army with a genius rarely seen in history.

How many times have they heard the only reason Yunmeng has not won is because their court is a train wreck? How many times have they feared the smallest rumors of Wei Wuxian overthrowing the crown and taking charge?

Uniting a divided army, executing insane strategies perfectly, managing social programs, and still somehow having the bandwidth to pop out ground-breaking inventions left and right. Fucking monster. Had Nie Mingjue known about him earlier, he would have adopted the bastard as a Nie prince.

“...Tch!” the Nie King downed his cup of alcohol.

Instead he’s an enemy, somehow the worst enemy the battle-worn Nie Mingjue had fought to date. He should have looked more deeply into the rumors of him and the Yiling Patriarch being the same person. Especially with this last battle.

He lifted his eyes sharply.

But Wei Wuxian is not a monolith, and it shows the state of Yunmeng that they have not rallied under his banner yet. No matter how powerful he is, he’s just one man. A man not even given the honor of his adopted family’s name, no less. Despite holding back three nations by himself, there is only so much Wei Wuxian can do alone. And he told the emperor as such.

Lan Wangji was silent for a moment, stroking the fabric once more as he reminisced, “... The Elephant Formation.”

The Nie delegation flinched. Their country was famous for its use of beasts, and the army was no exception. One of Nie Mingjue’s favorite tactics was to have elephants stampede through the enemy ranks. Either they get crushed or they break formation and enter a panic, unable to group together after having lost their place. That is, until Wei Wuxian noticed how the elephants seemed to only charge in a straight line. So he created a strange new formation where the soldiers step into the spaces between the elephants when they charge. No matter how narrow they made the spaces, even to the point of endangering their own elephant riders, there was always just enough room for the Wei soldiers to slip through. Eventually they had to discontinue the elephant charge method against the Wei army. It was a huge blow to Nie Mingjue.

Lan Wangji narrowed his eyes at Jin Guangshan’s mocking smirk, “The Spring Book incident.”

The entire Jin delegation turned red in shame and embarrassment as Jin Guangyao’s smile faltered. What a humiliating memory…

The Jin relied on numbers to win oftentimes, always a looming presence on Yunmeng who had fewer soldiers than even one of the Triad. And so, Wei Wuxian, with the enthusiastic spirit of a lunatic prankster, devised a scheme to lower that threat. 

As most of the soldiers were drafted, they didn’t really want to participate in the war. So Wei Wuxian had a collection of porn books spread throughout the Jin encampments with instructions on how to fake an illness to get sent home written into the dirty talk in the speech bubbles. He even made sure they contained some high quality content so people would keep them hidden. No man would be willing to give up his porn in a barrack. 

Droves of people were able to leave the army with those instructions until the Jin finally had to ban the sickness policy. Unfortunately, that kept the truly ill soldiers with the rest of the army and disease spread rampant. It was an absolute disaster…

Nie Huaisang choked back his laugh behind his fan. Wei-xiong always knows how to make things interesting. He was lucky to have saved a copy of the full collection. For  historical purposes , of course. And if Nie Mingjue noticed his slip up, well, he was too busy grinning at the Jin to say anything.

Lan Wangji huffed. Only Wei Ying could be so bold and brilliant, yet in such a way you don’t wish to praise him.

The emperor reveled in the memory of Wei Wuxian’s cheeky grin when Jin Zixun confronted him about it. Shameless.

His ears burned.

Then the emperor grew somber as he realized how long ago that had been. How long since he’s seen that youthful energy in his beloved. He looked down, “... The Mountain Pass…”

The room sobered up instantly. That maneuver was a crowning example of Wei Wuxian’s ability to do the impossible.

With a good portion of its territory consisting of mountain ranges, the Gusu armies are masters of navigating those peaks. And being so dangerous, only a fool would challenge Gusu in a mountain battle. Wei Wuxian was one such fool who got himself trapped in a dead end with only a narrow entrance that was quickly being overrun my Gusu’s forces. Lan Wangji himself had joined against the wishes of his brother and uncle.

He knew it would be dangerous, but Lan Wangji had to ensure Wei Wuxian’s safe return to Gusu, albeit as a prisoner of war. He was filled with complicated feelings as he rode through the mountain pass, glad their battles were over yet mourning the loss. So confident were they, that when the Gusu forces could only look around in confusion at the empty clearing. Lan Wangji instantly put up his guard, surveying every suspicious pebble when he heard his name being called. Whipping his head around, he caught the small silhouette of Wei Wuxian waving emphatically at him just before the small tunnel collapsed with a rumble, followed by the mountain pass they entered through. It didn’t take long for the emperor to quell everyone’s panic, but the impact of having been bested in their own territory hit the morale of the Gusu forces more than any number of casualties could.

As it turned out, Wei Wuxian had planned the entire battle. Making use of the Gusu Empire’s pride in their mountain tactics, he had led them into a trap. In a show of pure grit and will, Wei Wuxian’s loyal soldiers spent weeks secretly tunneling  through  the mountain with a new drill that had Jin Guangshan salivating at the impact it would have on the mining industry. Choosing a location hidden behind a spike jutting out of the ground, it would be impossible to notice without prior knowledge. While the others were preparing for an ambush from above, Lan Wangji realized their goal was a delay tactic to turn back around and recapture the border towns left unprotected and without command.

Animal combat, scheming, mountain ranges, in each case Wei Wuxian had bested them in their own specialties. And these were just a few of the stories of the General’s many feats. No matter how dour, how unlikely, or even how many losses he suffers in between, eventually Wei Wuxian finds a way.

And with that latest battle, why would the future be any different.

Jin Guangshan tutted, “A cornered rat has the sharpest bite.”

Lan Wangji clenched his hands.

Jin Guangyao noticed Lan Xichen’s frown and smiled up at Lan Wangji, “Your Highness is correct.”

Lan Wangji turned to face him, suspicious eyes hidden by his headdress. Jin Guangyao pretended not to notice the pressure, “General Wei Wuxian is a wildcard that cannot be underestimated. Removing him as an obstacle using a treaty would be the best decision.”

Nie Mingjue clucked his tongue at the Jin’s cowardice. Leave it to them to change stances with the readiness of a fickle woman. Jin Guangyao just continued smiling, “However, there are many ways to go about this, including a regular treaty. And Wei Wuxian is loyal to a fault towards the Yunmeng royal family. He would go along with whatever they decide, so why a marriage with the General specifically, when he’s not even a true member of the family?”

Lan Wangji narrowed his eyes, “Lianfang-zun’s meaning?”

Jin Guangyao narrowed his eyes as he smiled, “I mean no offense, Your Highness. I simply noticed how Your Majesty’s decisions regarding the General have been rather… unusual.” 

The hurt and confused look Lan Xichen sent his way had Jin Guangyao stepping back, “Forgive this one, Your Majesty. This most recent battle has me fearing the return of,” he looked up,”the Yiling Patriarch.”

The room broke out in whispers as Lan Wangji slumped imperceptibly in his seat. Nie Mingjue rested his head on his clasped hands, “...That green fire hasn’t been seen since the Sunshot Campaign.”

Lan Wangji felt nauseous. Green Fire, a powerful volatile substance that could even burn on water. When lit inside a shell, it forms a destructive bomb that leaves a devastating impact… on both sides. Rumors say it was discontinued for being too unstable to mitigate the risks for its users.

How desperate did Wei Ying have to be to resort to something so dangerous?

Lan Wangji clenched his eyes tightly, hoping to block out the arguing court. 

When did their competition of skill become a desperate bid for survival? At what point did Wei Ying begin to dread their meetings?

When did Lan Wangji lose sight of his purpose for all this?

He remembers his first meeting with Wei Ying as Emperor and General. He looked so tired. No matter how well Wei Wuxian may have hidden it, Lan Wangji could see it in the dimness of his smile, in the absence of mischief in his words. He looked thin. Not enough to affect his prowess in battle, but too much for Lan Wangji’s liking. He wished to offer him a meal, had Wei Wuxian not been so wary of the tea. Wei ing didn’t even seem to notice it was the favorite blend of the Yunmeng royal family.

He cannot imagine the pain Wei Ying must have felt to hand over his precious family ribbon for a fault not his own. Lan Wangji berated himself for ignoring the clear distress Wei Ying showed for the split second before handing it over. Had his uncle not known of Canse Sanren, would Lan Wangji have ever learned its meaning? How many other times had he hurt Wei Ying without realizing?

Jin Guangshan’s voice snapped him out of his reverie, “That is why that research should be handled by Lanling, which has the most resources to accommodate its dangers.”

Lan Wangji narrowed his eyes, his radiating fury quieting the room, “A person’s property is not for others to claim.”

He directed his attention at Jin Guangshan, “What is made by the General, belongs to the General.”

Entrusting a group as arrogant and opportunistic as the Jin with such dangerous research was irresponsible at best. They don’t care who has access to it as long it profits them, as evidenced by their new research technician who had been busy making a nuisance of himself in the corner by harassing their youngest attendant. Lan Wangji pretended not to see her smacking his shins with her pole.

Despite being a king Jin Guangshan backs down, intimidated, “Your Highness, we were only discussing the dangers of such inventions. Given His Highness, Prince Lan Xichen’s agreement that the remainders of the Yunmeng army were best left to Lanling’s supervision, it follows that Lanling would be the most suitable for such a serious matter.”

Lan Wangji tilted his chin up, “A discussion between friends equals an imperial decree?”

The Jin King faltered, but Lan Wangji did not give him the chance to recover, “There have been no discussions concerning Lanling. Lord Jin made his neutral stance clear to retain access to Yunmeng’s ports. It is Lianfang-zun who belongs to the Triad.” Jin Guangshan flinched.

Aware of his brother’s growing irritation, Lan Xichen stepped it, “No worries, everyone. The details of the treaty will be discussed in length with the Jiang delegations once the matter of the marriage has been settled.”

Nie Mingjue turns toward him, “What makes you think that Wei Wuxian would even agree to this ridiculous offer?” A wild troublemaker like him, managing the inner court as Empress? He’s more likely to view it as a prison than the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity most would see it as.

Lan Xichen smiled at him, “The General is a smart man who has shown courtesy in even the most dire of situations. With things as they are, he must want an end to this war as much as we do.”

With a final huff from the Nie king, Lan Wangji dismissed the court session and retired to his pavilion, leaving the hosting to Lan Xichen.

When he returned to his rooms, Lan Wanji immediately took out the blueprints drafted of the Red Lotus Pavilion. Already on their seventh iteration, the emperor wanted to ensure his Empress would feel welcome and happy in his new home. 

The layout of the complex is different from the rest of the Cloud Recesses, and strange for a noble in general. Wei Ying is known for his inventive nature, always tinkering with some idea. Sometimes things explode. Although his uncle would balk at something so uncouth, Wei Ying would surely appreciate a workshop or three. Lan Wangji has no intentions of stripping his Empress of his hobbies. 

A lotus pond is without question. However, the Empress must not be seen without proper dress, many of the changes have been made with the pond’s swimmability in mind. The question now is which breeds of Lotus to insert: the lavender of Lotus Pier, or a red to complement Wei Ying’s style? Or maybe a random selection of many exotic varieties to entertain him?

A puff of laughter made Lan Wangji whirl around to meet Lan Xichen’s teasing smile, “Oh my, will there be an eighth iteration? At this point General Wei may not have a place to live by the time he arrives!” his eyes formed crescents, “Ah, or is that Wangji’s plan?”

Lan Wangji’s ears burned hot, “Brother.”

Lan Xichen leaned over to look at the scroll, “Ah, how accommodating. Uncle will surely be furious once he sees this. Best to build the foundation quick before he can protest!”

Lan Wangji hid the scroll against his chest and turned away, “Brother.”

The prince just chuckled and relented, satisfied for the moment. His smile settled after a few moments, “...That arrangement with A-Yao, I am sorry for not notifying you first. The three of us were debating the best ways to manage Yunmeng to have a plan ready to present when and if the time came. We hoped to avoid any unnecessary conflict so we could begin the recovery process quickly. I did not expect King Jin to take it as a promise.”

Lan Wangji didn’t turn around, “Brother meant no harm.”

Lan Xichen smiled sadly. But you’re upset about it regardless, aren’t you?

His little brother had never felt threatened by Lan Xichen, nor did Lan Xichen plan to threaten Lan Wangji’s power. He trusts his brother, and will always support him. So the only thing that could be upsetting him is…

He walked to stand next to the emperor, “We had that discussion not long before General Wei revived the Green Fire. Does Wangji believe it might be related?”

Lan Wangji was silent for a moment, “Wei Ying has history with the Jin.”

Lan Xichen looked down, “I see.”

The emperor turned to him and reiterated, “Brother meant no harm.”

Lan Xichen sent him a grateful smile, before turning to look out at the scenery with a thoughtful expression. The two stood in comfortable silence, listening to the sound of the rustling leaves in the gentle wind. After some time, they began to quietly discuss the decor of the Red Lotus Pavilion. 

An attendant came while they were debating whether or not to include a napping bed in one of the workshops.

The courier falcon had arrived.

[freezingwintah]

Echo Flower

Echo Flower Part One

This was an incredibly stupid idea and he knew it; in this world the notion of love was idiotic. Every monster searched for a reliable partner out of convenience, not feeble feelings. Feelings were for weaklings.

The only LOVE they get is Level of Violence.

Not that Sans had high LOVE to begin with. Were it not for his explicit brother's threats to other monsters, he'd be dead. Something like this is not allowed, it only shows off one's weakness. Weakness others could exploit and his bro – Boss would get more angry and bitchy at him for being so damnably pathetic.

He was pathetic. Why would a strong monster want someone like him? And they were hardly friends – seeing as friendship was only between equals in strength, they were more or less acquaintances.

Walking to the waterfall, Sans pondered if he had a masochism streak or death wish with this utterly stupid idea. He navigated like a drake, looking for the ideal little blue flower. In a corner near the entrance he found it. Sans plucked it from the ground and the echo flower was his. With it, his plan was set in motion.

He went back to Snowdin, the echo flower hidden under his hoodie. It would be too embarrassing to walk with it and having to explain to Boss, who would only beat him up for having too much free time with trifles, so it's for the best.

Sans traipsed past home, librarby and then he stood by the front entrance of Grillby's, gulping down, taking in the full horror of this fucked up idea. What could happen? At best, Grillby will dust him. At worst? Boss will have a bitch fit and beat him up senseless for being, well, Sans.

He went for the back door, looking around. No one was to see this. He unzipped his hoodie little and picked up the echo flower, bringing it close to his mouth. Sans mustered up his courage and whispered the words to the flower. He flicked it and hearing his voice saying those words was... frightening. Especially in this world. Welp, it's done. Whatever will happen will happen.

Sans slid the echo flower under the door and retreated, running from Grillby's like his life depended on it.

The skeleton hid his burning face from any onlookers.

He's done it. He's really done it!

That'll show Boss, saying he has no spine!

Racing to his home, he slowed down. Boss was talking with Undyne and they saw him. Each threw a glare at him and Sans passed on another talk about being lazy and were it not for his brother bla bla bla... And Sans was out of options on where to go. He can't go to Grillby's now because of... that and going home would mean going by Boss and Undyne and their snarky insinuations were annoying. Nah, what's some random snark? He'll pretend like usual it doesn't hurt him, play it cool. It was Sans's self – defense mechanism of sorts.

"Hey, at least say hello, freak!" Undyne's voice boomed at him and he snapped, his eye glowing. Sans wasn't present with his mind. It wandered to that tiny flower and so he missed a well – aimed punch connected with his cheekbone.

"Urgh!" Sans grunted. The punch was from Boss, showing off his "brotherly love" for all who were looking and Undyne who grimaced. Sans put out the glow in his eye and walked inside the house, shutting the door.

Sans went to his bedroom. The usual treatment from the Captain of the Royal Guard was no biggie, but it hurt on an emotional level. The little skeleton knew. He knew of the kill or be killed unwritten law in Underground and the survival of fittest. He should be thankful for Papyrus looking out for him in his own way, but sometimes, Sans just wanted to lie down and fade away from this existence he hated.

And sometimes, he just lost himself in the complex person that was Grillby, wishing for something more than being acquaintances. That flower harbored his will – and hopes.

But he had no high opinion of himself. Grillby was a powerful flame elemental and every powerful monster wanted to gain the flame for himself/herself. If it's not meant to be – then it's not.

Sans delved into nightmares induced sleep – all in which Grillby turned him to dust without mercy.

Echo Flower Part Two

Grillby's shift for today was finally done and he send all patrons home. He didn't see one in particular tonight. He always came and 'tis was unusual for the skeleton to not show up. He locked up the front door securely and then remembered to check the back, in case.

There, he was met with a single blueish tiny flower resting on the doormat. Grillby glared at the flower sceptically. He knew of the flower's function like the rest of this rat - hole called Underground. What's so super secret it had to be conveyed through a freaking flower? He preferred face to face contact, but so be it. He knelt down and poked the flower. The words were too quiet – he didn't make it anything. Was this someone's idea of prank? The fiery elemental picked up the blue flower and brought it closer, poking it once more.

"roses are, like, red and stuff,

violets are, you know, blue.

i'm not super awesome with words,

but, whatever, i totally love you."

The voice sounded similar in a sense, but he couldn't pin it down because of the whisper - like tone. The message itself was brave. Whoever the monster was, it was scared of rejection, apparently and chose echo flower to say it for themselves. It's not like Grillby wasn't interested in someone, but the "one" was painfully unaware and too dense, exactly the type to get dusted for LOVE and the person would never be his, considering the family background. Not without a bit of persuasion – at least. He's never given it much thought, though. Let's confront this mystery admirer first.

Grillby's face formed a deceptive smile. He brought the echo flower to his lips. "Meet me here tomorrow night, when the clock beats ten." He opened the back door, locked it and put the flower down so the tip was showing and the other one could find it easily. With a huge grin he headed home.

It would be interesting if the admired turned out to be the one he had an eye on for a long time.

Sans woke up the next day, yawning. Boss was super angry this morning and left in a hurry. The smaller skeleton shrugged it off and went to front door, fishing out the keys and locking the house. Like anyone would dare to break in the house of Captain of the Royal Guard, the almighty Papyrus...

Fuck it. He ought to check the back door at Grillby's. He walked (dragged his feet) more or less to the brownish building. Some patrons were inside and he saw the unmistakable silhouette of the fire elemental himself behind the bar. That reassured him somewhat and he sneaked off towards the back.

His eyes snapped at the bluish tip of the flower sticking out. He grabbed it and pulled out, observing. No burns, no nothing. Did he... he flicked the petals and it spoke in Grillby's sexy deep voice. "Meet me here tomorrow night, when the clock beats ten."

Sans dropped the echo flower, his heart rate picked up in excitement. He ran away before he was seen by someone like Undyne or god forbid Boss, snooping around the suspicious back door.

The abandoned flower was getting snowed on, wilting.

Sans waited impatiently for the hours to strike ten. At 9.55 he ignored Boss's threats if he kept falling asleep at his post and showed him the middle finger while walking to the door. He is the older brother, dammit. "i am going to grillby's. don't bother looking for me." The younger brother snorted. "Ha! Like I would. I hate that greasy place."

The smaller skeleton rolled eyes at his brother's logic and walked the decisive steps to the meeting point of his destiny. On the way, however, the skeleton was confronted by a mob of angry female monsters. He made a few steps back. "Well, well, look what we have here. Were you looking for this?"

The drunk bunny bitch held out the tiny blue flower. "Oh, you thought no one saw your bravely stupid act? We are always watching you. It's not enough for you that your brother is looking out for your useless shitface, you need more, don't you? Well, guess what..." She dropped the echo flower and stomped on it, squishing it to a unrecognizable pasta. "I am afraid your little meeting will have to be postponed. Forever." She said menacingly, nodding towards her lackeys to block his escape route from all sides. Sans gritted teeth, activating his magical powers. The drunk bunny bitch giggled. "Oh, this is rich. The weakling wants to fight!"

She hurled her magic attacks at him and others joined in. It was like playing dodge ball with sharp knives instead of balls. With low HP like he had, it was only a matter of time before he ran out of magical energy or jumped into a stray swipe of sword of spear. He knew he wasn't good in fights – and summoning the blasters was extremely magic – consuming.

His eye flared red, gathering his last remains of energy to summon as many blasters as he can. Drunk bunny's attacks were becoming more relentless and it took too much concentration to evade...

A spear was aiming at his chest and Sans had nowhere to go, nor he could. His eyes widened in fear, then suddenly a flash blinded him. When he reopened eyes, in front of him was the one monster who wore black suits and it fucking suited him, no pun intended once.

Sans wasn't expecting him here. Grillby dusted one lackey and others scattered to the winds, afraid of the rising temperature and flaming magic everywhere. "Hey, rabbit bitch."

Drunk bunny bitch looked dumbly at the fire elemental. "I'll give you this warning only once. If you decide to attack my best patron out of whim one more time, I will destroy you." To prove his point, he melted the snow at her feet and she jumped back from. Tears trickled down her face. "But he's not worthy of a monster like you!"

"That is my decision, not yours or anyone else's. Now run before I change my mind." She ran away crying, but none paid attention. Sans put out the magic in his eye, overwhelmed with Grillby's presence and closeness, no fucking bar counter between them. The fire elemental turned his attention to the skeleton, dimming the flames to normal. He reached out and Sans waited for an obligatory punch from Grillby for being a weakling that can't handle a few losers and he closed his eyes.

Grillby was appalled to the skeleton's behavior, touching his head and patting. "Are you unhurt?"

Sans's twitched eyes open in awe of Grillby's kindness. "i am f-fine." He muttered, flustered all of sudden. This was unlike him to be flustered, this must be due from Grillby's calming effect he had on the skeleton. "Come. We have much to discuss."

The purple elemental grabbed his hand and Sans's face burned up. Grillby threw a grin in his direction before looking around. The "fight" with the bunny and her goons didn't go unnoticed – also the little chat and holding hands. Grillby stared a hole into the fuckers who dared to intrude into his private matters and each went on their way – better than being grilled to death, yes?

Grillby's was closed – it was after ten o' clock after all – but Grillby wanted to have a serious heart to heart conversation with Sans and he had not patience for more delays. He turned the key in keyhole, turned the door handle and let in the skeleton. The purple flame then promptly locked the door afterwards. He didn't need more interference.

Sans took a moment to look around. It was different from usual. No one was there and it added to the ambiance of intimacy. The booths and stools empty, only source of light was Grillby himself. The flame monster drew closer, closer... and Sans was overcome with unknown feelings, backing away towards the locked exit. Grillby laughed. "By all means, make yourself comfortable, Sans. I am not going to do anything, we will just talk."

He nodded, embarrassed. Grilbby saved him in the square. If he wanted to dust him, he would have done so. Sans sat down behind a booth and Grillby went behind the counter and picked the usual – a bottle of mustard and for himself a shot of whiskey, setting them on the table and taking a seat opposite of Sans, giving him some space to adjust. "Here, your favorite."

Sans thanked him and drank a bit, keeping a curious eye on Grillby who didn't touch his whiskey. He propped elbows on the table and stared intently at the skeleton who sat the condiment bottle down, feeling the awkwardness oozing in the room. "That echo flower, the poem, your voice. Tell me, was it you or did someone play a prank on us both?" Sans shook head. "no! it was my idea. i've been meaning to ask you for longer than i care to admit that i want..." His voice died on him and Grillby leaned closer, picking up the scraps Sans left. "You want me." He stated calmly and Sans looked away. This was too embarrassing and too mushy and those fluffy feelings tugging at his SOUL...

The fire elemental sighed shortly and Sans was getting perplexed at the kind behavior he was giving off. No one was ever kind to someone, it always had a catch. The life itself in Underground was a catch.

Grillby was observing the bashful skeleton he adored for much longer he cared to admit as he was fidgeting on the soft cushioned seat. Grillby took the matter into his hands. They have to move to next step, no more dancing around the fire.

He took a sip from the whiskey and grabbed hold of the startled skeleton's chin, bringing them closer. Grillby took him by surprise, judging from the overly flustered adorable blush on Sans's cheeks.

This felt so right, so good. Serene. Sans moaned a little into the heated kiss, his head was spinning from the experience. When they finally parted because of the stupid need to breathe, Sans could swear Grillby was blushing, too, but it was hard to tell with him being a purple flame. Did flame even blush?

Grillby tore him from the semantics of fire and blushing when he sat over to him and scooted him into his warm embrace. "Stay the night at my place, Sans."

Said skeleton laid head on Grillby's chest, tracing up the muscles of his flame. Something about spending the night with the one he loved set his heart on a freaking flame. "Did anyone ever tell you how hot you are?"

Grillby laughed and Sans firsthand felt the rippling of the flame's chest. "Flirting already? Careful, you might get burned." The fire elemental said playfully and Sans giggled. "it's so damn cozy. i never realized how cold the weather is in snowdin." Grillby hugged him more fiercely. "I don't want to move, but it'll be better sleeping on a proper bed than on a sofa."

Sans groaned into his chest. "five more minutes, grillbz." He said quietly, the tone of tiredness sticked out.

Grillby gave in. "Just five more, Sans. Then I will carry you to my house."

Sans didn't answer and the fire elemental glanced at him. He was softly snoring, contently, snuggled to him. Grillby smiled at him. Sans is his from this day and he'll straighten things out with anyone who would hurt his to – be partner – be it even his abusive brother. But that is for another day.

Grillby kissed the top of his skull. "I love you."

Sans something murmured from his dreams, a wide smile spreading on his face. For the fire elemental himself; this was a moment of rare respite. And what better than to spend it curled with his skeleton?

They stayed there longer than five minutes, but Grillby relished the peaceful night and he would enjoy many more coming their way. He and his skeleton.

[gochigalore]

Seven Days - A GoChi Fanfic Series for GoChi Week.

Day Five: Envy

Poor Gohan.

He was part humiliated and part furious. It must have been such a traumatic experience for him to come home to see his parents naked on the couch where they all sat after many hours of their fornication. Not to mention that the living room was covered with Goku’s um... “mess”.

Goku Immediately offered to clean it up since it was his doing...well his and Chichi’s doing. And Gohan happily obliged. Of course their biggest mistake was leaving then alone again to clean it...before they heard more cries of their carnal pleasure. Bulma sent them to their room to let them folic in the bedroom as much as they pleased which she admitted she should’ve done in the first place. Their own condition is that they must do it quietly since Goten was home. And to everyone’s surprise the were quiet for the most part. Aside for the occasional moan every now and then or the occasional pounding of bodies slapping against each other that was heard at certain points. Thankfully, Bulma had brought over one of her cleaning inventions to help clean away all of the cum and sanitize the entire room. And even then nobody wanted to sit on anything. The room may be clean the sins of Gohan’s parents will never wash away.

The Fifth Day.

To everyone’s relief, the Lust Day Phase was finally over and they no longer had to witness Goku or ChiChi fooling around like horny teenagers or hear them either. Videl was helping Gohan cool in the kitchen trying to prepare pancakes for everyone while Bulma was reading in at the kitchen table. Pan was cooing gleefully in her high chair with Goten playing with her. It all seemed like of everything was almost normal again...that is until Goku and Chichi came limping into the kitchen, their bodies sore from their countless hours of steamy love-making. Both were groaning In agony as they took their seats. ChiChi had it the worse; she was walking bowlegged while limping and holding her aching back. Goku was a bit better shape, but he still had a pretty bad limp and his pelvis was extremely sore.

“Woah...you guys look terrible!” Bulma commented on her friend’s physical state all while having a coy smirk on her face. “You guys have a rough night?”

ChiChi and Goku blushed horribly at Bulma’s teasing.  ChiChi was especially embarrassed by this. She was always raised as a pure heated girl who wouldn’t do the types of naughty things she did with Goku that day. Her face would grow as red as a tomatoes each time she thought about it. When they were told how they soiled the living room it went a little like this:

“W-We...we did that!?!? Oh Kami I’m soembarrassed! I wasn’t raised like this! Oh what will father say?”

“You mean I made that mess with ChiChi?Cool!”

“Goku!”

“Very funny...” ChiChi sneered painfully. Adjusting herself in her hair. “Ow ow ow ow.” Bulma gave a small chuckle. “See I’d told you, you guys would bang yourselves dry.”

“We...we’ve should’ve listened to you...” Goku leaned over the table. “I never lasted that long before. It was fun but I feel like I’m paying the price for it now.”

“Can we please change the subject please?” Gohan impatiently jumped in. Talking about his parents sexual adventures was more than he could bare right now.

“Right. Right. So what’s for breakfast?” Goku’s mood instantly improves despite him still being in a lot of pain. Videl arrives at the table with the the frying pan in hand and delivers a couple of her fluffy homemade pancakes onto his plate. “We’re having pancakes!” She smiled. “And don’t worry there’s enough for your hearty appetite. Thanks to Bulma’s multiplier machine.”

Breakfast much like the earlier part of the morning played out just as normally. Nothing was too out of the ordinary or too odd. It was like the perfect family dinner ChiChi was striving for the first night of Gohan’s arrival. Everyone’s got along fine and had a pleasant chat among one another. After Goku finished this 20th helping of Videl’s pancakes he officially declared himself stuffed.

“That was great Videl! Thanks!” Goku tried to stand but the sharp pain hit his lower back and which causes him so sore back down. “Be carful honey!” ChiChi warned sweetly, rubbing his back softly. Goku tiles his head and smiled back.

“I’ll be fine sweetheart don’t worry. Anyway I really need to head back to work. With our little...incident. A couple of things got ruined so we’re going to need a some money to replace it.” Gohan raised an eyebrow at his father. “You really think you should be working in this condition right now? He asked skeptically.

“Oh there’s isn’t anything to worry about. Just need to take a Senzu bean and the pain will be all-“

Goku stopped when Gohan interrupted. “That’s not what I meant. I meant with the Cardinal Fruit side effects stuff. We’re still on the fifth day.” Bulma sat up in her chair and joined in. “Actually, Gohan. Maybe today is a good day for your father to work?”

“Where are you going with this, Bulma?” ChiChi quizzed. Bulma gave a small nod in her head preparing the words she wanted to say. “I’m thinking if Goku is out farming and away from you and everyone else maybe the effects wouldn’t be so strong. Plus the effects only seems to be extra strong whenever he’s around you, ChiChi. Day Five is the Envy Phase Day. And I don’t think there is much is going to happen today. Thank Kami for that!  I...don’t even know what is here for you to be envious of.  But we’ll just have to wait and see.” ChiChi and Goku looked at each with worried expressions. They wasn’t entirely sure if this was a good idea. But they decided to give a try. They both nodded in unison and in agreement.

Later that day.

Goku, who was feeling much better thanks to the Senzu bean and was about to head of to work when Bulma screeched his name across the hall. “I have a bone to pick with you!” She yelled. Goku turned around and faced her. In her hand was a pink and white scarf that she was waving in his face furiously. “Is something wrong I was about to head off to work.”

“Yes there is! You ruined my favorite scarf with your filth the other day! Now I can’t get your nasty love stains out of it!” Goku scratches the side of his face with his finger nervously. It didn’t really occur to him just how damage he and ChiChi caused with heir love fest.. “Wow I’m sorry, Bulma.” He said meekly with a anxious smile.

“Oh you should be sorry. This was a gift my sister brought me two years ago. Now I can’t wear It anymore!” Bulma stomped her foot as she threw the scarf down on the ground in her anger but then Goku rested a hand in her shoulder and gave her a look of sincerity. Just then ChiChi, who was also feeling better thanks to the Senzu bean decided to actually start the laundry this time. She was walking past the living room doorway, her ears perked when she hears Goku’s voice.

“I didn’t know okay? I’m really really sorry. Tell you what I’ll buy you a new one!”

ChiChi walked back into living room and sees Goku touching Bulma’s shoulder and giving her a sincere look. Then...

Flash! The effects began to kick in.

Curious to where this would lead she stood there and watched them. “I mean it’s not the same but I guess I can accept it.” Bulma mumbled as Goku pulled her into a hug. “I’ll make it up to you I promise. We go way back and we’ve known each other a long time. It’s the least I can do!”

ChiCh was grinding her teeth and tightened her grip on the laundry basket in her hands, witnessing her husband for over 20 years in the arms of another woman, one of her closest friends no less. She had seen enough. Enraged, she stormed off with neither Goku or Bulma noticing her as they released from their hug.

Meanwhile at work, Goku was doing his usual tractor work. Everything was going smoothly until ChiChi pops in front of his drops of view, with her arms crossed. In a panic, Goku slams on the breaks immediately causing the tractor to have a studded stop that it almost shook him out of it. He jumped out of the car to go see her but her death stare instantly made him regret leaving the safety of his tractor. He gulps as he approached her slowly. He knew he did something wrong but he had no clue what it was.

“Hey ChiChi? You’re at my job again?” He asked, his voice trembling. “Let’s just cut to the chase, Goku!” ChiChi barked “i want to know what where you doing with Bulma this morning.” Goku blinked in confusion.

“What do you mean?” He asked innocently. “I mean I saw you all over her before you left for work this morning.” ChiChi dramatic pointed her finger at him. “No I wasn’t” he protested desperately. “I’m not even sure what your talking about.”

“Maybe this will jog your memory: ‘We’ve known each other for a long time. It’s the least I could do’.” ChiChi mocked Goku in his voice in an insulting manner. The insult rolled off him however as he began to ponder on what she was saying. “Oh you mean when I hugged Bulma this morning? That was because we ruined her scarf her sister gave her when we spoiled it with our love and she was super angry about it.”

“Sure. Likely story.” ChiChi turned away rolling her eyes. “I’m telling the truth ChiChi!” Goku innocent face was all that ChiChi usually needed to see he was telling the truth but with her under the spell of the Cardinal Fruit it was no use. She just stood there pouting as Goku took his box of produce for the day and head off to town to deliver them. “I’m about to go drop these off. I’ll see you later I guess.”

“Oh no you don’t! I’m coming with you just so I can keep my eye on you!” ChiChi ran beside him. “

You don’t have to do that, ChiChi.”

“Why? Are you too embarrassed to be seen with your wife?”

“No it’s not that at all. Why are you acting like this?

“There’s someone in town you don’t want me to see, isn’t there? Possible another woman? You’re having an affair, aren’t you!”

“ChiChi! What are you talking about!?!!”

The conversation when on like his the entire time they walked into town to the produce store. ChiChi soar out accusation after accusation while poor Goku was clueless to what was talking about. Once they got there ChiChi stood idly by as Goku handed off his box over to the proud store owner staring daggers at him. Goku shelf a chill as he could feel her leering at him from behind his back. ChiChi also had other things in her mind. On top of worrying that Goku was cheating she began to think about all the accomplishments he has done in the span on their life together. All the good he’s done. All the places he got to go. And now that he has a more successful job then her. And that one time he brought home an astonishing amount of Zeni.

Why couldn’t that be her?

Why must he be the successful one when he didn’t even want that in the first place? If he had his way he’d be off in a far off land training again. Her watching him just made her envy fester. She knew she shouldn’t be jealous of her husband, but she couldn’t help it. Her instincts too over and she marched up to the two who was making small talk.

“Hey are you two done? I want to go home how?” ChiChi spoken icily before walking away. Goku sighed as he said his goodbyes to his employer and ran to catch up with is wife. “Listen Cheech I don’t know what I did to make you so mad at me, but I want to make it up to you.” Goku said.

“Oh like you want to make it up to Bulma.” ChiChi remarked rudely just as her eyes landed in a small perfume booth. Her face scowl lessened as she made her way over there with Goku behind her. “Oh you want want of these smelly things? I can do that.” Goku eagerly beamed.

ChiChi ignored him and turned to the clerk. The clerk smiled at ChiChi and spoke in a tone as your typical entrepreneur. “And What brings such a lovely lady like yourself here in this fine day?”Goku face fell flat at his remark then....

Flash!

“What did you just say to my wife?” Goku towers of the stand threateningly. ChiChi cut her eyes at his sudden display of masculinity. “Oh please Goku the man didn’t mean it.”

“Yes I didn’t know you two were married. My apologies.” The perfume clerk bowed as a form of his sincerity. Goku watched intently as the salesman was showing ChiChi various perfumes. He felt himself fuming at the way he grabbed wrist and sprayed some of the samples on the back of it. His jealousy grew as ChiChi laughed every time he spray tickles her skin or whoever she laughed at one of his bad jokes. It was to the point where Goku was fed up.

“Alright time to go!” He gritted his treeth as he yanked on his wife’s arm but ChiChi stiffest against him. “No! I’m not finished yet.”

“Yes you are!” Goku’s voice was beginning to raise but ChiChi finally piled her hand from his grasp. Goku realized that he didn’t have a good grip on her. “Look main if the lady doesn’t want to go, you shouldn’t make her.” The salesman came in rather peacefully but Goku wasn’t having any of it.

“I think you should mind your own damn business.” Goku snapped. “This doesn’t concern you!”

“Goku!” ChiChi yelled in surprise.

“Don’t you have some other’s man’s wife to hit on?” Goku continued.

“I swear that’s wasn’t what I was doing at all.” The salesman spoke up in defense at first but then he got bold. “But I’m pretty sure your wife wouldn’t mind a more gentler fella coming onto her then a barbaric control freak like you.”

Big mistake.

Goku, in a fit of rage raised both of his fists and slams it down into the table braking it in half and breaking all of the glass bottles that was filled with perfume. The man fell on his news morning the loss. of all his profits. Next, he throws ChiChi over his shoulder while she protested aggressively and flew back home away from any other guy that could possibly hit on his woman.

But things only got worse when they got home...

[itshigh-boop]

Greetings! May I request a fic with Writing Prompt 111 about HanMei? (Mei seeing and reacting to Hanzo’s Ultimate for the first time?)

You sure can! I’m sorry if I went a lil overboard with this - but I really liked the idea and got carried away! Either way, I hope you like it and thank you for requesting HanMei!! I love this pairing so much ❄💙❄– ( Prompt 111: “ You have… Superpowers? ” )Getting to Lijiang from Antarctica had been such a long and arduous trip, the climatologist barely had the energy to run when she found out she was being pursued. Making use of her new invention, she made it as far as she did by mostly creating icy barriers and patches of slippery footing in their wake to deter them from trailing her. “Ha!” she smiled triumphantly as she turned and aimed, creating an extremely well-timed, thick and curved wall of ice that intercepted what could have very well been an opportunity for them to grab her. Mei-Ling pointed her blaster once more, considering creating another layer to her barrier. Lifting the contraption, she pressed the trigger mechanism, only to feel it shake her in hands with a loud rattle. “Ai ya!” The climatologist shook her creation, hoping that it would still have a bit of life left. However, a glance down at the fuel meter quickly let her know that her last icy wall was the result of her last fuel reserves. The telltale sound of cracking ice alerted her to how much time she had left before her barrier would shatter and allow her pursuers to continue. With a frustrated whine, Mei-Ling placed the blaster back into its makeshift sheath at her hip and turned to begin running again.“Snowball,” she panted as she ran, each heavy pound of her feet against the ground sending her closer to the eventual crash she’d experience when she no longer had the energy to spare. “Go. Please. You know the message I recorded with you? The coordinates I had you download?” When she received the affirmative digitized chatter from her companion, she nodded. “Good…no matter what…you must get to Winston…pass him the data we’ve collected…we need…to…”“She’s over here!”Mei-Ling grit her teeth, urging herself to run faster, if not just to give Snowball a chance to leave the area safely. She turned a sharp corner and into a dark sidestreet, hoping to make as many detours as possible. She rounded corner after corner until eventually finding herself face to face with a tall, cement-brick wall, the crude and chipped graffiti mocking her helpless situation.The little droid floated out of his spot on her empty fuel tank, hovering before her. What she took as a sad noise and the droop of his ‘eyes’, Mei gently stroked her thumbs over Snowball’s visor. “You’re my only hope now, Snowball.” She ushered the droid to float toward the sky. “Go!” she whispered, nodding to him once and then turned around as the thuds of combat boots swarmed her senses. “What is that you want from me?” Mei-Ling asked as she turned, managing to muster up the courage to sound and look angry with the unwanted guests. “You’re either a valuable research asset or a dangerous liability, Zhou. You’ve got two choices: come quietly, or you can die here.”Mei-Ling blinked away the hot tears that sprang to her cinnamon colored eyes. This was unfair. Even now, she looked down at the empty fuel canister for her blaster, hoping for some kind of miracle. “I don’t know who you are but I have something I must do.” Her fingers clenched around the blaster as she glared at the soldiers from beneath her lashes. “And I won’t stop until it’s done.” With a simple nod from one of the chasers, all their weapons were now focused on her. “I’m sorry to hear that. But you were in Overwatch -  you knew the risks.” I did know, Mei-Ling thought. hoping that Snowball was safely on his way to wherever from Winston had made his broadcast. This was the least she could do for the world - to ensure that her friends’ deaths weren’t in vain. She closed her eyes tight and with a shaking sigh, wondered if she’d be reunited with her teammates in just a few moments. The flurry of bullets that she expected never came. It was both an instant and an eternity passing as a new pair of footsteps reached her ears. There were confused and angry shouts and the once still evening breeze suddenly picked up in intensity, tossing her hair about. Faint sparks of electricity seemed to dance around, peppering at her cheeks and rousing her to open her eyes. Just as she did, a blue glow filled her vision. Then, a powerful and proud shout, in a language not of her homeland resonated off the narrow walls of the alleyway. “Ryuu ga waga teki wo kurau!”Mei-Ling felt more than heard the shaking roar that followed the shout. Dragons had always been an important symbol of power and luck with her people. To actually see one (no, two), even the ever positive and creative Mei-Ling Zhou was questioning her remaining sanity. The dragons were transparent but radiated a fierce blue light, their scales shimmering like precious gems and their entire aura sparked. Yet, as their maws gaped open, as if to swallow anything in their path, Mei-Ling felt safe in their wake. Their brilliant light consumed the soldiers, and as they approached, their bodies passed through her body, filling with her a rush of energy from her temples down to her very toes. The raw power she’d seemingly only been touched with was enough to lift the breath from her throat. Mei-Ling sank to her knees, the bout of energy from earlier instantaneously gone. When the winds had died down and the alleyway became dark and dingy again, she dared to open her eyes. “Mei…?” came the digital voice of Snowball, flaring his voice box with an intonation of concern. “Snowball?” A relieved laugh escaped Mei-Ling’s lips and she smiled as the droid chirped, nudging her cheek affectionately. “How are you here? I thought you left…”Footsteps approaching her had Mei-Ling on her guard, quickly lifting her head, only to find that the soldiers were all now strewn about, seemingly unconscious. Stepping over their bodies was a man who, in her very honest opinion, appeared no less intimidating than the unfriendly men who’d chased her down…but there was a calm on his face - sharp features capturing Mei-Ling’s attention and that had her feeling not so on edge as before. The most eye-catching thing about him being the large bow he held in his hands as he approached. When he was close enough, he leaned down, offering a gloved hand to her. “Are you alright?” he spoke in English, though with a slight accent.It was much better than her own, anyway. Mei-Ling blinked and eventually took his hand. “Uh…I am fine. Xiè xie…” Bringing her hands up to fix her glasses, she swallowed the small lump in her throat. “Who are you?” she finally asked. “And how did you manage to find me?”The stranger’s shoulders tensed, eyes glancing to the side. “I am no one important. I was simply passing by the area when your droid found me and alerted me to your situation.” “My droid?” she repeated, turning to look at Snowball who flashed the words ‘danger’, ‘help’, and ‘follow’ across his visor in red lettering. Mei-Ling felt a small rush of heat rise to her cheeks in a bit of shame. To think she was so ready to just have it all end when Snowball was trying to save her. “I see. You didn’t have to follow him…but I thank you.” She inclined her head and back slightly in her gratitude, designating someone having saved her from certain doom as worth a bow.“Ah, please,” the man stated. “You do not have to. I was simply…helping someone in need,” he finished awkwardly. “In any case, you are unharmed and that is what matters.” That seemed to be the end of the conversation. However, there was a pressing issue that forced her to speak. “Ah, I know this may sound strange but please, I must know!”She took his blank stare as permission to continue. Biting her lip, she hoped that this question would not sound as nearly as foolish and insane as it did in her head. “Do you…you have superpowers?” Had the curiosity not been burning something fierce, Mei-Ling would have giggled at the sight of his serious expression fall into one of confusion. “Super…powers?” the man questioned. Mei-Ling fiddled with her glasses once more. “It’s just…I may just be hallucinating, but I could’ve sworn I saw…dragons. Two blue dragons, looking like they came from you after you shouted.” Her brown eyes scanned the area, refusing to look at his face as she continued. “I am a scientist and I just cannot think of any sort of explanation for what I saw.”A few moments of silence and her savior let out an exhale through his nose, shoulders slumping. “It would be a difficult thing to explain, one that I am not truly comfortable discussing with a stranger,” he admitted. “But I assure you…I do not have…superpowers…” The word appeared to physically cause him tension as it left his lips and she couldn’t help the tiniest grin that graced her features. Instead of laughing, however, she rubbed at one of her eyes, suddenly extremely tired. “Well, even if you don’t have super powers,” Mei-Ling began, only now realizing how silly her question was. “You still saved my life.” Contemplating her next inquiry, she shrugged her shoulders, smiling. “Would it be too much to ask for your name?” Surely he could do at least that? The last time she’d held a conversation this long was…technically nine years ago. No matter how strange the circumstances, her desire for a connection, even if temporary, was intense. He appeared to finally relent. “Hanzo,” was all that he answered with. “Hanzo…” Mei-Ling repeated, trying her best to say his name as intended without her own accent. “My name is Zhou Mei-Ling.”Hanzo nodded, glancing over his shoulder and then looking down at her. “Would you like me to escort you back toward the markets, Miss Zhou?”“I would like nothing better. Come on, Snowball,” she called to her droid companion who floated gently along with the pair as they stepped over the bodies of the mercenaries and walked out of the alleyway. “Hanzo,” Mei-Ling repeated as they walked, causing him to look at her in question. “I will remember this moment,” she smiled at him.“Hm.”

[lopithecusfanfiction]

A Life So Changed: Chapter Twenty-Seven

Author: Lopithecus Pairing: Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne Rating: Explicit Word Count: 2747 Alternate: AO3, fanfiction.net Author's Note: Just as a warning, this chapter is kind of graphic in the beginning because… you know… fear toxin.

Chapter Twenty-Seven:

Blood. There’s blood everywhere. Bodies are piled up in the room. The stench is nauseating. The air is acrid. Bruce’s heart pounds in his chest wildly, his sweat drips down into his eyes, and he can’t breathe in enough air. His limbs are shaking and there are tears rolling down his cheeks, combining with the sweat drops there. The bodies that are piled on the floor are the bodies of his loved ones; Alfred, Dick, Tim, and Damian. Jason is there too, getting beat up by the Joker, his fifteen-year-old screams echoing in Bruce’s ears.

“Stop,” he begs the Joker and the clown only laughs, bringing the crowbar down again to strike Jason in the head. The fifteen-year-old screams once more. “Stop!” Bruce wrenches forward but is stopped by some force. He looks up and sees his wrists are bound to the ceiling by vines. It must be Poison Ivy. She and the Joker must be working together.

“Brucie,” someone says in a singsong voice and then there is a monster standing in front of him. It’s an ugly thing with grey skin and protrusions all over its body. The teeth are sharp and stick out of its mouth, drool running down the thing’s chin. “How are you feeling, Brucie?”

Bruce wrenches at the vines again to no avail and Jason screams once more. “Stay away from me.”

“Oh come on, Brucie, don’t you want to say something to the camera?” The monster laughs and points at something. When Bruce looks, all he sees are snakes with glowing eyes that are watching him intently. “All the people of Gotham can see you now, Brucie.”

He hears gurgling and looks around the monster to Jason’s beaten body. “Jason!” The boy is dying, he can tell, and the Joker laughs.

“What do you say Ol’ Bats? How about we kill the brat right here and now?” The Joker pulls a gun out of his purple jacket.

“No! Leave him alone, you sick son of a bitch!”

The Joker only cackles and aims the gun. “Bruce… save me…” Jason coughs up blood, looking him straight in the eyes.

“I’m trying,” he says as he feels more tears and sweat drip down his face. “I’m trying.” He pulls on the vines again, still to no use. Then the loud, deafening bang sounds and he watches as a hole is ripped through his son’s chest from the bullet. “No! Jason!” He glares at Joker, his heartrate spiking even more. Somewhere deep, deep in his mind he thinks that if he doesn’t get his pulse under control, he could have a heart attack. But he can’t concentrate on that small little voice. Not when he had just witnessed the Joker murdering his son. “I’m going to kill you!” He spits out, pulling as hard as he can. He doesn’t budge.

“Poor, poor Brucie. I wonder what he is seeing right now,” the monster says but not to him. He says it to the snakes and they hiss as if they are laughing at him. “At this rate, that poor baby he has there isn’t going to survive the fear he is feeling.”

Bruce’s eyes widen and his breath hitches in his throat. He slowly looks down at himself, to between his legs, and his heart stops at what he sees. Blood has soaked through his pants and is dripping down his legs. Bruce starts to hyperventilate, his heart going a mile a minute. “No,” he says quietly at first but then louder. “No. Help me. Please,” he begs the two monsters in the room. “Help.”

The one monster who has been talking up to now howls. “Not until your family pays the ransom.”

Bruce looks back to the bodies on the floor. How are they supposed to pay a ransom when they are dead? What kind of ransom do such monstrous beings want? Again, he looks down at himself and when he sees the blood still there and only getting worse, he sobs. “Please don’t let my baby die.” He can’t breathe, his chest hurts, and he’s hot and shaking.

“Now, now Bats.” The Joker walks up to him. “Your baby is here and fine.” Bruce looks at what the Joker is holding and immediately throws up at seeing it. He’s holding a new born baby girl who has no clothes on and is extremely pale. There is blood all over the baby with some dripping out of her mouth. The eyes stare lifelessly up at the ceiling. “Would you like to hold her?” Joker asks with a snort that turns into a convulsing cackle. Bruce throws up again.

He hangs his head, tears dripping out of his eyes and he is coughing due to the lack of oxygen combined with the vomit. “Stop,” he whimpers. “Please stop.”

Suddenly, a loud crash is heard and when Bruce looks up, Joker is gone and is replaced with a flying creature with glowing red eyes. The thing growls and attacks the two monsters, the things shrieking in fear and trying to scramble away. It doesn’t take long for the creature to finish them off by ripping their hearts out and turn its attention onto Bruce.

It walks closer to him slowly and Bruce pulls at the vines desperately. “Stay away!”

“Mister Wayne, it’s Superman.”

“Stay the fuck away from me!” he screams, wrenching his wrists until they sting with the action, the thorns on the vines digging into his flesh even more. He feels the blood drip down his arms but he still pulls. Finally, with one last effort, the vines give way and Bruce stumbles backwards, falling to the floor. “Get back!”

The creature kneels in front of him as Bruce tries to scramble away. But his arms and hands are numb, poison from the thorns most likely, and so he doesn’t get far. “Bruce.”

The creature reaches out towards him and Bruce slaps the clawed hand away. “Don’t touch me.” His eyes dart back to his family’s bodies, to Jason, and then lastly to the baby’s. He crumbles and sobs loudly, hiccups coming in between his struggles to breathe.

“Shh.” The creature crawls closer, bringing his hand up and holding something shiny. He sticks it into Bruce’s arm and Bruce pushes away but the creature has a hold of him now. “Shh, it’s okay. It was just a sedative. It’ll make you sleep.” Bruce continues to struggle to get out of the creature’s grasp but can’t seem to budge it. It must have super strength then. “It’s going to be okay, Bruce. I’ve got you.”

Bruce’s breathing slowly calms down and his heart stops beating so rapidly. His shaking stops and so does his crying, his eyes getting heavy. When he looks around groggily, he sees he is in the air. A spike of panic flashes in his chest but the arms that are carrying him tighten. Bruce looks up. The creature is flying him somewhere but he’s too sleepy to do much about it. He struggles to keep his eyes open, his instincts telling him to not fall asleep when in the enemy’s arms, but it’s a losing battle. He finds himself drifting off and soon, the world falls away from his consciousness.

*~~~*

Bruce wakes with a start, heart pounding in his chest. He tries to sit up but hands on his chest push him back down. He struggles against them but the hands are stronger than he is. Bruce panics, opening his mouth to yell at whomever or whatever is holding him to let go. But then he hears a familiar voice, soothing and low. “Bruce, Bruce, it’s okay. It’s me, Clark.”

He looks to the side and sees Clark sitting there, concerned look on his face. “Clark?”

Clark smiles shyly at him. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

Bruce’s heart is still pounding a mile a minute. “I’m sure you know.”

Clark shrugs and then nods, biting his bottom lip. “They gave you the fear toxin antidote but it hasn’t taken full affect yet. You shouldn’t hallucinate anymore at least.”

Bruce nods, his heart spiking. “Fear toxin.” He swallows, feeling tears swell in his eyes, worry overcoming him. “The baby?”

“It’s… too early to tell but the doctors are running tests.”

Bruce’s heart sinks and the overwhelming fear bubbles back up inside. “Can you look at her? Listen to her?” He blinks and the tears roll down his cheeks. “Please Clark.”

Clark nods and his eyes travel to Bruce’s stomach, concentration furrowing his brows. Soon, they raise and Clark’s eyes meet his once more. “She looks and sounds fine to me but Bruce, I’m not a doctor.” Bruce nods and bites his bottom lip, trying to overcome the fear he is feeling. The only problem is, even with his immense amount of training it’s no use against fear toxin. “Bruce, she’s half Kryptonian. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

“I don’t want to lose her Clark.”

Clark grabs a hold of his hand and squeezes gently. “I know and I don’t want to either. But there’s nothing more we can do right now.”

Bruce nods again, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. “I know. I’m just… I’m scared.” Clark squeezes his hand a second time. “Those two men that took me, what did you do to them?”

“Well, they were threatening not only my best friend but also the omega carrying my child. What did you think I did to them?” Clark says with a slight, angry growl that is directed towards the two kidnappers.

“I saw you kill them,” Bruce says quietly at first and then opens his eyes, looking Clark in his. “I saw you kill them.”

Clark’s eyes widen and he shakes his head. “No, I definitely didn’t kill them. I wanted to but I knew that was just my alpha instincts directing me. I only knocked them out by beating them up… badly. I think they are going to be in the hospital for a while but they’ll live.”

“And the news?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t been watching it. All I do know is that there are some news stations parked out front of this building,” Clark says.

Bruce is about to respond when the door to his hospital room opens, causing Bruce to jump. Clark immediately lets go of Bruce’s hand, clearing his throat. “Okay, one coffee for Clark. Dude, I know I already said this but you take a lot of sugar in yours. Are you sure you don’t just like the taste of th-” Dick stops mid-sentence, eyes snapping to Bruce. “Oh, Bruce, you’re awake.”

Dick walks fully into the room and Jason, Tim, Damian, and Alfred follow suit. Clark clears his throat again, getting up from the chair. He takes his coffee. “Thanks Dick.”

Damian approaches his bed. “How are you feeling Father?”

“Um… better.” He eyes Clark who is now avoiding eye contact.

“So, is that all those two guys wanted? A ransom?” Tim asks, sitting in the chair that Clark had previously occupied.

Bruce looks away from Clark and to his son. He shrugs. “That’s all they told me before they drugged me. They liked the fact that I was pregnant.”

“Yeah, about that,” Jason begins, leaning on the far wall. “The public knows about that now. You’re not going to be able to hide it anymore.”

Bruce nods in understanding. “But you had a contingency plan for this right?” Dick asks. “You always have one.”

“Not always,” he says. “And I don’t have one for this. Not a completed one at least. I have been thinking about it though.”

Tim takes a sip of his coffee. “And what did you come up with?”

Bruce is about to answer when, once again, the door to his room opens and reveals the doctor. “Hello, Mister Wayne. I’m Doctor Ansley.” They shake hands. “I’ve been going over your test results for you and your baby. The antidote seems to be working very well.” Bruce didn’t expect anything different. After all, he’s been dosing himself with variations of the fear toxin antidote for years now, having to accommodate every time Scarecrow changed the formula. “Though you will feel some effects of the toxin for a few more hours at the least. However, I don’t see any permanent damage made by it on you or the baby. I will make sure to let your obstetrician know, though, that way he can keep a look out for any signs of the toxin having affected your baby during your checkups.” She jots some things down on a clipboard. “You’ll be released in about an hour after the antidote has had time to work a little more. Other than that, you and your baby are perfectly fine.” She smiles at him and despite the toxin, Bruce feels relieved. “I suggest you get some rest in the meantime.” Doctor Ansley looks around the room at everyone. “That means everyone must go, I’m afraid.” She then leaves herself, giving them all time to say goodbye.

They all nod and then turn to Bruce. “Hey, we’ll see you later, okay Bruce?” Dick says, patting Bruce’s legs. Bruce nods.

“Don’t worry, Father, I will take care of those annoying paparazzi outside,” Damian says as he raises his fist.

Tim places a hand on the young child’s shoulder. “I’ll take care of them, Bruce.” Damian glowers at Tim, sticking his tongue out at the omega. “Get better soon, Bruce.”

Jason and Alfred nod their farewells and then they all leave. Clark lingers, shuffling on his feet, and looking to the floor. “Clark?”

He looks up, small smile playing at his lips. Bruce can’t tell if it’s real or not. “So, what is your plan?”

Bruce shakes his head and smiles back. “I’ll tell you later.” With a nod and a bigger, more amused smile, Clark turns to leave. “Clark?”

Clark turns back around. “Hmm?”

“When I get released, would you take me home?” He shrugs. “I don’t really want to have Alfred do it this late at night and the boys have been on patrol all night and need sleep.”

Clark shuffles again, fidgeting with his shirt sleeve. “What about Oliver?”

Bruce looks at the time from the clock hanging on the wall. “Ollie is currently on a plane back to Star City.” Clark perks up at this but before Clark can ask questions, Bruce continues. “Just for a few days. He has a board meeting to go to and the Green Arrow needs to make an appearance.”

“So he’s coming back then?”

“Yeah, at least that’s what he said.”

“Bruce?”

“Hmm?”

“Why are you so happy with having such a long-distance relationship like that? He lives on the other side of the country.”

Bruce shrugs. “I don’t know. He makes me… happy I guess.”

“But you and I are closer to one another than you and Oliver even if we don’t live in the same city or state.”

Bruce chuckles. “But you and I aren’t dating, Clark.”

Clark’s eyes widen, as if he’s surprised by Bruce saying that. He shakes his head. “I know, I was using it as a friendship example. Wouldn’t… I mean…” He rolls his eyes. “Wouldn’t you be happier with someone closer to you?”

“We’re both rich, Clark, we can literally see each other whenever we want. It’s not hard for either of us to just get on our private jet and fly to each other’s city.” Bruce narrows his eyes. “Does this have something to do with the baby? Is that why you are so adamantly against me and Ollie being together?”

“No,” he says quickly. Then Clark deflates, sighing heavily. “No, it’s just that I want to make sure you’re making the right decision.”

“Of course, I am,” Bruce says even though he isn’t entirely sure it’s the truth. “I love him,” he lies.

Clark nods. “Okay then.” He swallows and rubs the back of his neck. “I’ll drop it for now on. As long as you’re happy.”

“I am. Clark?” Clark meets his eyes. “Are you happy?”

Clark doesn’t answer right away and instead stares at him, biting his tongue inside his mouth. Then he says, “I better get going before the doctor comes back and yells at me for still being here. I’ll see you in about an hour.” Clark exits the room then, before Bruce has the chance to say anything else, leaving Bruce to stare after him.

A/N: I'm pretty excited for the next chapter. I think you all are going to like it. ;) Thanks for reading!!

[soovaryit]

I have to put my hands up and say that in general I am terrible at self-care. I'm definitely getting better, but when you've been in a negative mind-set for a long time, it is very difficult to recognize your own needs and when you're being self-destructive. The way you take care of yourself is going to be completely individual to you but I wanted to share some of my struggles and triumphs that probably a lot of people can relate to.  

At the point in my life where my nutrition came solely from supernoodles and wine, I would have rolled my eyes at the concept of self-care and dismissed as self-indulgent bullshit. For a long time I would read self-care posts and the positivity and simplicity of them would make me angry. I find a lot of them so reductive (i.e. the ‘just love yourself!’ ones) and some verging on abelist, with strict exercise routines and diets being at the forefront of you supposedly making yourself feel better. I am 100% not discounting exercise as a way to make you feel better – it does. But there are lots of different ways to love and take care of yourself and for me, I knew it wouldn’t be as simple as clicking my fingers and changing my attitude or getting on a treadmill.

 So anyway, the past few months I have been thinking about the importance of keeping yourself happy or at least stable by thinking about what you need from yourself and others. I could do a hundred posts on this and probably will. Firstly I’ll start with something I’ve always been guilty of doing – numbing. I’m gonna mention Brene Brown here (because I can’t go a day without talking about her). One of her great quotes from her talk on shame is ‘If you numb the negative, you numb the positive too’. And she is bang on about that. 

Everybody does something to numb reality, whether it's drinking, drugs, obsessing over exercise, excessive shopping... there are literally so many things that we do to push negative feelings to the back of our minds. I wish I was one of the people who would exercise to do that but nope. Mine has pretty much always been alcohol. And don’t get me wrong, I love alcohol, and in moderation it can be totally fine and it didn’t used to affect me in that much of a negative way, but it does now and that was something I needed to address. I used to question why I was miserable and never really looked at my own behaviour. I thought I drank to feel better like everyone else and what was wrong with that? When you're on a variety of pain meds and hormonal treatment there is so much wrong with that. Everybody knows alcohol is a depressant. So when you have underlying feelings of depression that you try and cover it up using a depressant, shit will hit the fan at some point. It’s hard to not have a crutch for when you feel like you need to escape reality, but sometimes working through the shit you’re ignoring will actually make you feel better (once you get through the hell of doing it). I still drink but I’m trying to do so in extreme moderation, and more importantly only when I actually want to and not just to socialise. When I feel like I just want get off my face drunk, I can now identify its usually because I’m stressed and/or miserable, and something I find super useful is to make a list of good, healthy things you can do when you feel really low. Even if they don't make you feel better at the time, they will contribute to making you healthier and happier in the long run and can be your go-to’s instead of something you know will be damaging. Some days I roll my eyes at my own list and decide I can't be that person today but generally it gets me through. I’m not gonna put the whole list here but it’s pretty simple things i.e. replacing bingeing on sweets to bingeing on fruit (sometimes this actually works and its pretty much a miracle on my part). Also, simply preparing to feel terrible is part of my self-care routine (that sounds more bleak than its supposed to). For example, I started my period yesterday and it's the worst pain I've had in a loooong time. The feeling that I could pass out at any minute is back (literally get black spots in my eyes and spin out if I move too quickly), my legs are almost too heavy to move and it feels like there are hot, sharp knives stabbing my abdomen. It was vaguely manageable with nefopam and a coffee (do not recommend but I didn’t sleep well) in my system but after a hazardous food shop that involved me leaning against a wall for a number of minutes trying not to black out, 2 hours later I am back in bed, hot water bottle in hand, gritting my teeth. 

 The difference today is that I feel prepared for this mentally. This is the first month that I have ever felt that way, EVER. I used my amazing period app to track my cycle so I knew when this was coming. I made sure I had lots of healthy food in the house, not many plans for a few days and had enough painkillers. I also try and get washing and cleaning done and make sure I have enough money to get cabs if I need to. It sounds trivial but these simple, seemingly unimportant things can really help when you feel horrific and the smallest task seems unachievable.

In general, paying more attention to your own behaviour and thoughts will tell you a lot about the ways you can make yourself happier. I liked to ignore mine because it was easier. Drinking heavily didn't make me happy, getting involved in pointless situationships (big fan of that word) didn't and working 3 jobs at once definitely didn't, but rather than take a step back and think about it, I carried on until I burned out and would look for external sources of blame. I felt like it was easier that way and to be honest it was, but ultimately, it left me in a state.

In terms of relationships, both platonic and otherwise, I was guilty of putting others needs before mine as well as worrying about the impressions I was giving off, rather than how I actually felt in myself. You can't give anything to anyone when you're running on empty and will often end up making both your situations worse and more negative, so concentrating on your wellbeing first is super important.  When people had suggested I think about my own behaviours and needs in the past I would think literally HOW?! my mind is like a never ending vortex of negative thought patterns that I can’t control. That’s where therapy is your beeest friend. It can be so so difficult to access therapy for many reasons and I appreciate that, but it’s usually worth the wait so try your best to stick with it or start the process if you haven’t. Anyone with a long term condition should absolutely have it because trust me it would have affected you in ways you didn’t think possible. Contact IAPT or Mind for more info on it.

Today I had my last counselling session with a wonderful lady that I have been seeing for the past few months. I equally dreaded and looked forward to each session and every week thought about how much easier it would be to stay at home. We would talk about difficult, upsetting and super personal problems in these sessions but nothing made me emotional until the last one, where she told me she had learnt a lot from me and could see the amount of strength I had from holding on to negative feelings for so long, and now seeing them as empowering.

It really took me by surprise that I didn't cry until she complimented me and said something positive, not only because I am a crier (anti-depressants kind of put a stop to that tho..), but because that to me revealed just how much of a negative opinion I have of myself. I found it easier to talk about difficult experiences and times when I had failed or felt worthless but couldn’t receive one compliment from someone who knew all the ‘bad’ things about me without struggling to believe it. That seems ridiculous and just convinces me further how important it is to keep yourself happy and acknowledge your achievements.

If I had read this a year ago I would have rolled my eyes and thought it was stupid, because I was stuck in a destructive rut that was easy to be in. I never in a million years thought challenging my own behaviour and working through situations that made me feel uncomfortable, rather than avoiding them, would make me feel positive and empowered. I don’t necessarily have any solid tips for self care, neither do I want to be preachy and pretend that I’ve figured it out and wake up everyday feeling myself (I don’t). But I have learned to wholeheartedly respect myself, just as much as I would anyone else. I’m comfortable in being alone and value my body and my mind where before I absolutely hated them. I don’t exercise a tonne and I watch too much TV but ultimately, I like myself, and recognise that all I can do is improve at a pace that feels right and accept the bad days.

‘Loving yourself’ is difficult. It takes time, work, strength and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. But you can start with paying attention your own behaviour and needs, as well as the behaviour of those closest to you (sometimes self-care involves cutting toxic people out so bear that in mind). Do what you need to do to feel at peace with yourself, and never let anyone put you down or make you feel weak for doing that, because it is crazy hard. Next post I’m gonna write a list of the super simple things I did to start feeling better but right now I have to eat a lot of chocolate and roll around in agony.