#and not like weird folks online that like me but normal ppl that have to perceive me existing in public

[lottieratworld]

feeling rly unsexy and ugly rn idk why

[pumpumdemsugah]

Why do folks act like you can only acknowledge sex-based oppression and the reality of human sexual dimorphism if you want trans folks to die? Why are we acting like white folks made up ‘male’ and ‘female’ when every human culture knew what a male and a female was before colonialism existed and patriarchy has existed way before white supremacy did? Why?

It makes me uncomfortable bc you’d get labeled as a terf for saying this but the average irl person that isn’t chronically online holds these beliefs and still believes in trans rights and uses preferred pronouns. Hell, I have two nonbinary friends who recognize the reality of sex and sex-based oppression. I personally both recognize sex and believe that trans women have a place in our fight for women’s liberation. So like. Why are folks on the internet acting like it’s impossible? What is going on around here? Because I saw a (19 year old) person say ‘sex based oppression isn’t real socialization isn’t real yada yada yada that’s white colonial bullshit and if you believe otherwise then kill yourself’ and my eye twitched.

and it gets on my nerves bc most of the ppl saying this shit are Westerners! If they went to a non-West country and said this shit, I bet my left tit that they’d be looked at like they’re insane!

These people can say this for the same reason they hate radical feminists but recommend radical feminist Audre Lorde, they don't read or comprehend, they regurgitate talking points and see Black women not as academics or peers but tokens to invoke without knowing what they believe. It's arrogance, self righteousness and anti-intellectualism mixed together. Non-western cultures now all have the same ideas about gender that all support whatever some white American says. I think what's crazy is how incredibly racist the entire thing is and ahistorical. It's shrunk the experiences of everyone else so white western losers can feel more complex

I do not trust white people that bring up Black women to talk about gender in the modern sense because they always get racist and make shit up

Social media has melted everyone's brain so much everyone is making extreme claims grounded in wish fulfillment . Online liberals are acting and pushing the idea that sex is fake but the Blacks are just built different with one body plan. Please ignore that because human beings spend most of our time in Africa, African people have the most genetic diversity compared to every other group in the world . White people think complexity only applies to them. They did this before with race science and they're doing it again. Educated white people without expertise are making shit up

Male & female is fake but big negro bone is real and that research about bones, race and osteoporosis, I've read it, it doesn't say what online people say it does, you're just racist. It's projecting body insecurities onto Black women as inherent qualities of our bodies so their white body is normal and a problem that was a them thing is an us thing but this isn't racist and demeaning. Online liberals want us to be a permanent Other so they feel normal then claim it's solidarity not racial hierarchy by another name. The dehumanisation of enslaved Black women is brought up not to talk about slavery but to Other the bodies of dead tortured Black women and ask the living ones to agree because they said magic buzz words. Online people don't bring up slavery to talk about what white people did but to add sex characteristics they want Black women to have and rewrite history. Slave master didn't think Black people felt pain so performed surgery without anesthesia on enslaved Black women that needed to be held down because someone that needs to be held down commonly is a sign she doesn't feel pain. Slave masters knew they were chatting shit.

Talk about how WOC don't fit the gender binary because of white supremacist dehumanisation has become talk that our bodies are wrong and weird and that's why. The blame for shifted from white people's racism to, of course the non-white have wacky body plans. Do they even think we're people? Conservatives and dumb dumbs acting like the sexual dimorphism in human beings is extreme ( it's not ) and that's why male and female artistic gymnastics is so different. Not training or history and using it as a cover for mockery and sexism so now regular men are challenging actual female athletes ( and losing ) under the delusional being male is enough

The online left and right are so are stupid about this but everyone ends up affirming centuries old ideas about race and women. What's annoying is people that say sex is fake aren't being truthful, it's fake for white people as they transcend language but the crudely made Others, we're bigger and badly made and that's why they're normal. Solidarity though

Why does it need to be explained that Blackness isn't a sexed quality or characteristic ? It's unbelievably offensive. None of these people are as intellectually curious as they claim they are. None of them have read anything about slavery, colonialism or feminism. They saw a post.

[genderqueerdykes]

heya

i can't sleep because my sexuality in relationship to my gender has been bothering me.

im transmasc, but genderfluid. not just boy/girl genderfluidity, it's all over the place. and i feel like i identify with being a gay man sometimes, and i also go through periods of feeling like a masculine lesbian.

i know how controversial this is and it breaks my heart because i can't figure out what to do. i know my identity should be for me, but i don't want to make people uncomfortable if i come off as a boy who's a lesbian sometimes.

also i feel intense imposter syndrome over this when i switch around. but it undeniably makes me feel like myself when i say I'm a transmasc genderfluid bi lesbian, which makes me feel good of course. i just wish i could stop feeling bad about it

is any of this normal and is there any other genderfluid ppl with complicated relationships to their sexuality? i feel alone here i guess

love your blog btw makes me happy and validated when i read what you and your followers have to say to people 💖

hello! thanks for stopping by!

i think it can be very easy to work ourselves up and over think things when it comes to how people will receive us in queer spaces- online queer spaces have been needlessly hostile over the past few years, mostly due to the relative anonymity and virtually zero consequences for being harmful and rude. it's okay to get scared sometimes

it may seem 'contradictory' or 'controversial' but it isn't that uncommon to go from identifying as a gay man to identifying as a masculine lesbian! genderfluidity means your genders can be. whatever. there's no set rules, and it's okay if your attraction changes when your gender does. mine does, as well. abrosexual and abroromantic may suit you

you don't have to pass any tests or anything like that to be successfully seen as genderfluid, it's okay if you change to be whatever, whenever. i always identify as a butch lesbian & a femme gay bear, all the time, no matter how I feel or who is fronting in my system. while some cishets may not get it, most queer people i explain this to say "oh yeah, i totally caught that vibe"

it can be scary to have "Strange" identities, but the meaning of "queer" is literally "weird" and having a weird identity falls right in line with the community. you're allowed to be a transmasculine lesbian, and you are even allowed to be a male/boy lesbian- there is no actual cosmic rule stating that lesbians cannot be men, partially men, or be genderfluid and be men sometimes

regardless of how others perceive you, you know who you are. you are the arbiter of your lived experience, and while someone misinterpreting you can be painful and inconvenient, it shouldn't define your experience. if people don't understand, keep going til you find the ones who do, and the ones who try to. even if people don't "Get" your gender, there are a lot of folks who will respect it, anyways, and you deserve that

hope that helps and makes sense. take care of yourself, good luck out there. there are no rules when it comes to be genderfluid. genderfluid people are encouraged to fuck with gender, rules, roles, presentation, etc. and it's only natural that a genderfluid person will have identities that "conflict" when approached through a non-queer lens. identities don't have to "make sense", they are mostly comprised of feelings !

good luck out there! feel free to stop by again

[inchidentally]

I know wives and gf talk isn't for everyone so asks under a cut - and I hate the term 'wag' so I'll start tagging these 'f1partnertalk' for those who want to bl!

right??? and the fact that in his Australia tourism type video with her he refers to her as his 'partner' which to me is both him being socially minded but also respect bc by that time they'd been together 3 and a bit years!

and exactly !! on the one hand he's not using her as a status thing of 'look I have a gf' but he's also made the very smart decision (and I think this was the Webbers influence) of not having her be a secret or a mystery. her acc going private is pretty normal for F1 gfs who aren't using their profile for business but the fact that he casually reminds people about her and that she'll like certain content posted about her or them is enough to stop anyone thinking she's 'fake' or whatever. there were some feeble attempts to claim they were broken up just bc she didn't go to many races but when folks pointed out she was in final year of uni for a very difficult degree it died down.

gotta say though - and this isn't in reply to you it's an aside about comments I see - I find the straight people thing of jumping to theories about marriage for long term relationships SO weird. it's like there's this ticking time bomb for het relationships lol. it's esp weird since they're so young and his career requires him to be so selfish (his and Lando's words) that I'm like how do ppl see that and leap to them marrying buying a house and planning kids when they not only don't live together yet they also spend most of the year apart??? sure they're super mature and stable for their age but who I am now and who I was during hs and college has been so incredibly different! I couldn't imagine making that huge a commitment esp if I had an all consuming career like Oscar does. I just hope those comments (however well meaning) don't reach them bc that feels crazy over-stepping and would be so awkward to read.

these asks I felt like went together really well lol

(this is the post anon refers to) oh anon. idk if you've seen them but have a look through here to enjoy Oscar's 8-year little crush on Lando and I think it's safe to say that Lily will at least have had an inkling about it.

and the thing is that being physical just isn't Oscar's way even with Lily which if Lando was at all hmmmm about then he'll have seen that pretty early on. as anon listed above, Oscar shows his affection for people by including them when he talks about his life (which Lando also gets!) also acts of service and signs of respect (which Lando also gets!)

this is me projecting here but idk the way Oscar talks about the boarding school guys he's still friends with and his friends back in Oz but doesn't post about them or have them to many races just makes me think that Oscar decided very early on to just avoid the distraction of sharing himself on social media apart from memes? he's never wanted to establish any kind of online persona and he got really solid a levels as a backup in engineering if F1 didn't work out so he's never planned to be a public person anyway.

where I'm going w that is that Lando will absolutely by now have learned all of this about Oscar. Oscar will like and respond to content about Lando but most of what Lando gets from him will be the acts of service and signs of respect. which is exactly what Oscar does with Lily, his family, Mark, etc. Oscar's own content will be about generically positive stuff re McLaren and the occasional funny post (like P1,P2,P6?). but the people he considers his most inner circle will stay largely off the map. which lbr is what Lando himself does with a lot of his closest friends! especially since his fame began to grow he's stopped posting a lot of those people and we only hear them bc he mentions seeing them. Lando is Oscar's little long harbored 'crush' and Lily is his long term gf. I feel like if that's obvious to us then it def will be for Lando :)

so we can count ourselves incredibly lucky that Lando being Oscar's teammate means we get as much of a window in on them as we do <3

[ddejavvu]

hey Mei! Big fan, could I get 3, 6 and 10 from choose violence?

3.) screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

one time this stranger things fan was writing an anti-billy post and they wrote that he only had fans because he was white and conventionally attractive and then said that they wished his actor would have been a POC 'so that everyone would hate him'. super fucking weird, like, why are you wishing that an actor would get harassed by a bunch of racist weirdos online 😭😭 you're 100% allowed to dislike characters (especially ones that were intended to be the antagonists) but don't fantasize about a world where their actor suffers bigotry just because you don't like the character. p sure they apologized but i mean all internet apologies are a fat load of dogshit so

edit: oh they also wished that his actor was plus-size for the same reason. 'i wish he was fat so he had no stans' OH ! okay.

6.) which ship fans are the most annoying?

the jily vs. jegulus folks. there is so much animosity surrounding shipping in the marauders fandom in general but whenever i see jegulus stans beating up lily for no reason, or jily stans being 'subtly' homophobic in regards to jegulus, it pisses me off so much. just ignore the content you don't want to see and don't waste your breath complaining about it to people who won't change their minds because of what you're saying.

10.) worst part of fanon

marauders time again! some fics have become so famous and normalized that they're 'canon' now, and authors are criticized when they try out different interpretations of the characters. ppl will call remus ooc if he's not an asshole now and i will never forgive atyd for turning people against og fandom remus. there could be such a beautiful balance of both and i miss it </3

choose violence

[bugs-in-the-dirt]

ayo does anyone else have, like, a combination of Alice in Wonderland Syndrome and Visual Snow Syndrome? do ppl usually have one or the other?

so, like, AIWS for me is usually only visual distortion. i've always described it like the world around me looks like its throbbing/pulsating. i've noticed folks seem to describe it like things are simultaneously black-and-white extremes, like for example:

feeling enormous like the Big Friendly Giant but also minuscule like Thumbelina

the space around you is both vastly spacious like a large empty gymnasium and cramped as hell like trying to fit yourself in a dollhouse

objects or people seeming really close like you're seeing them through binoculars or a zoomed-in photo online, but at the same time insanely far away as if you needed to yell from across a football field for them to hear you

even tho i never explained it as simultaneously opposing extremes, it's still exactly spot-on. i remember it only ever happening at night for some reason, and usually after i stare at something for seemingly too long and start to feel self-aware of perceiving reality. i recall as a child seeing the walls on the opposite side of my bedroom simultaneously or rapidly zooming in and out after taking in the size of the walls and focusing too hard on their connecting corners. when i looked away to try and make it stop, if i saw anything remotely rectangular or having flat edges then it would start occurring with that new thing in my sight. it usually stopped if i focused on something round, oddly enough. the worst part of these episodes for some reason was when something incredibly small felt like somehow it encompassed the entire universe? i totally forgot about that til i saw someone's reddit post mentioning it.

though there were nights where it would be so strong and constant it was horribly frightening - floors and walls would start moving like an unstable treehouse balancing on a singular weak limb, rectangles would lean into trapezoid shapes, the ground feeling like a wobbly conveyer-belt. it helped to walk out of my room during those worse episodes, though sometimes i'd walk into the bathroom and still feel like everything was spinning. walking during this time usually felt like time was moving unnaturally fast like is was on x4 speed or smth, but at the same time it felt slow since i was aware it wasnt actually sped-up movement.

that's when i'd start dissociating a bit and see a blurry hallucination of colorful hand-drawn sailboats? it was actually extremely soothing in comparison to the panic-attack-inducing distortion of reality around me, providing a gentle PBS Kids aesthetic of a visual that sailed smoothly across a cutely animated ocean. then when the vision disappeared everything would be normal again. this still happens with me today, which sucks, but the remembering the sailboats and isolating myself in a dark room helps remove all visuals that could possibly be distorted.

then of course Visual Snow Syndrome- i never had any idea what this was, the first time i saw it i was 3 or so maybe? i was, again, about to go to sleep when i saw colorful static making up the entire world around me. that night i was convinced they were an infestation of bugs? but no one else could see them? eventually i just randomly assumed it was this weird ability where i was sensitive to and could see molecules and atoms? but no apparently its a weird fuzzy neurological deviation. the thing about it tho is that wikipedia says the world tends to appear blurry when the static is visible, but my vision stays completely clear if not clearer, i just feel more aware of the visual static thats constantly in the background (its a lot easier to see in the dark or on a plain flat space that lacks luster and texture).

anyways, i've no idea if its common for folks with AIWS to also have Visual Snow Syndrome as well?just thought i'd share my experience with them in case someone else out there is feels they relate and is confused about it.

oh, and here's the reddit post i found that talked about AIWS - they articulate it so perfectly, i was amazed to see someone explain these symptoms that i've had yet had no understanding of what the heck it was:

[minty-leafy]

ik tumblr has a lot of folks in the LGBTQ+ community so...

hey guys um, how do you know if ur aroace (or at least asexual) or just have commitment issues, or am i both

im 19 now, and i HAD crushes in primary sch (7-12) that i later realised i never liked them, they were just like my biases or eye candy, i would act shy around them, or do things i dont normally just for them

in secondary school (13-16), when all my friends were saying theyre jealous of couples and want to start dating, i felt nothing, i always think abt whats the point of dating, i rather hang out with my close friends, marriage doesnt appeal to me, and s*x disgusts me (but i enjoy reading smut?) every time they see a couple in public or online, they will feel jealous and salty that they dont have one, and im just there laughing at them (i purposely point out couples to them even hehe)

in poly (17-now), esp this past year and a little before that, ive been thinking if i just have commitment issues instead, because the thought of having a relationship scares me, like the label of 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' just gives me a big NO, im scared i lose feelings for the person, i had 'crushes' before but they never lasted more than half a month, it either disappears after a while, or immediately vanishes the moment i dont see them anymore

i realised the trend of my 'crushes' in poly is that they treat me nicely, like a gentleman, and i immediately think like "wow i like them", but it never lasts. when i think i like them, i try to think of us tgt, but i cant, like it feels very weird, and i cant imagine kissing them on the lips

these thoughts came out because this guy likes me, and literally our entire friend group knows, like he's not hiding it, and so our friends ship us, but when i think abt what if we were tgt, again, its just impossible, not sure if i just dont like him, am aroace, or have commitment issues. when i try to think of us doing couple things i cant, but i can freely do those with my girl friends (like hugging, holding hands, gg out 1 to 1, im a highly affectionate person, i love physical affection from close friends, be it guys or girls)

as i said before, im currently 19, and ive been singlr all my life, idk whether all these thoughts are because ive never experienced dating before, or am i just too young to confirm my sexuality?

TL:DR

19F, aroace or commitment issues, single since birth

loves physical affection and would do it with close friends no matter the gender

afraid of the term 'boyfriend'and 'girlfriend', cant imagine dating anyone, dont know if i just haven't found the one

doesnt get jealous and wishful looking at couples, never felt butterflies in stomach or heart beating fast over ppl i thought i liked, weirded out by kisses on lips (even on TV), gets repulsed by the thought of s*x

[sidneyfirefae]

Hello!! I'm Sidney (she/fae). Welcome to my blog!

This is just my personal blog so it doesn't really have a theme or anything, just me reblogging stuff that interests me or feels important or is funny, etc. There's also an about me section further down, but first off, I wanna make sure to say this is a welcoming and safe space for:

TL;DR

All genders/gender identities (neopronouns/xenogenders included)

All romantic & sexual orientations

Intersex folks

Neurodivergent folks & mentally ill folks (if and when the distinction is important)

Self-diagnosed folks

All systems (traumagenic, endo, tulpa, etc)

Disabled folks (physical and mental disability)

Fat, plus-size, and other non-dominant body types

All religions & spiritual beliefs

All ethnic/cultural backgrounds

Kink

Furries

Probably forgetting some but will come back and add

Longer version

Queer folks!

This includes all members of the LGBTQIA+ community/communities outside of the Western episteme around what is considered "queer". Neopronoun users, intersex folks, ppl who are xenogender, and probably a lot of other things I can't think of are all welcome.

Neurodivergent & mentally ill folks!

Brains are Weird and the range of human experiences with said brains is very broad. There's still so much we don't really know, but I know to be kind. Self-diagnosis is valid! We are intimately familiar with the gaslighting and systemic/financial barriers involved in the diagnosis process and that diagnosis is not nearly as simple a thing as it's made out to be. People who self-dx have almost always done vast amounts of research into themselves and their experiences. Mental illnesses count as ND, as we have definitely experienced with OCD (although that's hardly the only exquisite flavor of brain sauce we have going on). It's still important to distinguish the two and be mindful of the nuance, especially since people's relationships to their own minds vary greatly.

Systems of all kinds!

Whether that be traumagenic, endo, tulpa, or any of the many other kinds of systems, plural folks are all welcome. I'm part of a traumagenic system myself and can only restate the previous point that Brains are Weird. Plurality is a broad spectrum and can be both healthy and not; in our experience, having each other has been critically helpful and we can't imagine life without each other. Syscourse is ... a lot and we try to avoid it, and I think ultimately it falls into the same issues any sort of excessive online discourse does, which is forgetting to account for diverse lived experiences and the real people experiencing them. Don't fakeclaim people.

Disabled folks!

Mentally and physically disabled folks, spoonies (or users of other systems) and all. No matter your needs, no matter how far you stray from that terrible concept of "normal", you have a place here. I'll do my best to be as respectful as I can, but there's still a lot I don't know about, so I apologize in advance and thank you for bearing with me. We identify with the label of disabled, but our experiences are unique just like everyone else.

All ethnicities/racial backgrounds!

Just like everything else here, this should go without saying, but I just want to be clear. We have studied anthropology and the history of conceptions of race/racism, and we know how ridiculous it all is. We're all just people. We are POC, but our experiences are only of our own ethnic background, and we're always trying to learn more about other cultures and experiences.

Religions of all sorts!

Any and all religious/spiritual beliefs and practices, so long as they are not used to harm people. We're not religious, but we also know that religion and identities that have historically been targeted by religious institutions can and absolutely do co-exist. Like a lot of things here, we're not very knowledgeable about many religions, but we hope to express nothing but respect and curiosity.

Kink!

I'll admit I don't know much about kink -- I'm aspec and an incredibly romantic sapphic with OCD -- but just because I don't personally vibe with the incredibly kinky stuff y'all be getting up to doesn't mean it's wrong in any way. Sexuality means different things to different people, and as long as it is explored consensually and healthily, there's nothing wrong with it. One of our system members is quite kinky, so I know firsthand that mutual understanding and acceptance of varying sexual preferences is absolutely possible. I'm also not a furry and don't entirely get it, but y'all are lovely and just as welcome here.

There's probably a lot I'm forgetting, but when I remember I'll make sure to add it. Basically, don't be a bigot. People are people, and I love you all.

____________________

About me

Howdy! You can call me Sidney Firefae. I'm a grey-ace nonbinary sapphic trans woman who uses she/fae pronouns. I'm part of a nameless system with a range of interests, and consequently I'm currently the only one of us who uses tumblr.

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I know there's probably stuff I've missed, hopefully I remember and can come back and add it.

Have a nice day!

[beyonceisstraight]

The thing that truly gets danced around is that the connection between dopamine dependency as a term and social media is that people are trying their best to frame it as an addiction. So they use this language that's ridiculous to the point of being hyperbolic. The social media addiction narrative, from my perspective is two things. The world has been set up by the adults with jobs to depend heavily on social media and kids who are just following suit are seen as having something wrong with them, because they're not living the childhood the adults who created and populated social media had. The second thing is that the world is so fucking miserable that the instant gratification, connection, cheap entertainment, accessibility, community, guidance etc is going to pull more people in. When I was my most teenage depressed you couldn't pry me away from my computer. My family was shite but online, i could be entertained, relax and make friends. I went through a phase of being agoraphobic around the same time and spent all my time online. Miserable and lonely young people don't have anything.

And when you look at stuff like child povery being on the rise it makes perfect sense that "social media addiction" happens. There's a weird feedback loop present as well where teens are pressured to look attractive while being bullied for being normal ppl by both peers and adults. And the natural outcome for a child in that situation is to seek the approval from the source. Dopamine dependency is a way to avoid confronting and unpacking all of this. It blames individuals without having to hold a mirror to the structure of society. It also lets folks avoid the fact that all of this shit developed unchecked. Because the internet started being taken seriously 15 years late. So the grown ups fucked around and the kids are continuously finding out.

Not to mention the evangelical spin on this. They are such a large group of people that puts so much effort into not understanding and accepting their children, and the wider world around them. The steps from social media addiction to the devil is talking to your child through the computer are quite short. And that's part of the encouragement to call feeling happy your friends liked your work, or post, dopamine dependency.

I get the impression when some people say "dopamine depedency" they normally mean "instant gratification", but they can't actually say that because it makes it difficult to solely malign forms of gratification they think of as grotesquely indulgent, and not, you know, the forms of gratification they personally enjoy.

[illnessfaker]

do you have any resources on OSDD? like more in depth than just the diagnostic criteria, i'm very familiar with those, i guess more...people talking abt what it feels like? I have cptsd and I've been noticing things very similar to what you described in your post for a long time now. I thought I had DID for sure a while ago, but I was also actively manic/psychotic, so when that calmed down I assumed I had just been delusional. But the identity disturbances and dissociation persist. I don't think it's DID now it's osdd if it's anything but I'm wary of saying that for sure and rly would like some i guess more descriptive accounts of how symptoms are for someone with it. Sorry if this is a lot/you don't have anything of that nature, I'm glad to hear you're figuring out your own multiplicity and hope the understanding helps you in your healing process!

firstly, thank you for your kind words 😊

@/this-is-not-dissociative has a lot of info about did/osdd-1 (and other dissociative stuff) as well as having did/osdd-1 vs. dissociation in bpd/cptsd - though it's possible to have did/osdd-1 and bpd/cptsd of course - and did-research.org talks about osdd-1 a little bit (especially vs. having full-blown did). these are probably the best resources i can point you towards even though they don't contain many personal accounts. the first blog is staunchly against self-dx iirc and there's a lot of "you should speak to a professional about this" but u know how it is (at the very least they provide a lot of info and resources on how to go about doing that, it seems.)

some posts in particular that may be informative/helpful to you (there are probably many reasons to dislike this blog but it's what i've found most informative so yeah):

anp and ep, + an explanation of structural dissociation and how it models ptsd, cptsd, bpd, osdd-1, and did.

anp and avoiding trauma

an example of did vs. osdd-1

parts in bpd/cptsd vs. osdd-1

parts in cptsd vs. osdd-1 (this mod "kevin" has osdd-1, by the way)

parts vs. fragments vs. alters

alters not being easy to recognize

identity confusion vs. identity alteration

( read-more bc this got long despite it being past my bedtime lmao )

the problem w personal accounts of stuff and did/osdd-1 is presentations of these diagnoes will differ from person to person, sometimes greatly. contrary to media depiction they're also covert disorders by nature - they're psychological coping mechanisms for intense distress, and part of those coping mechanisms is being ignorant to the fact that your sense of self is fragmented / there are parts of your sense of self that are attached to trauma. i know of several folks who were initially diagnosed with osdd-1 but then later re-diagnosed as having did because the severity of their situation was very effectively hidden from them by this dissociation.

( another problem is that ppl are flawed and can give bad/wrong info on how stuff works or trends can give the wrong impression and unfortunately that's very common w did/osdd-1 spaces online. e.g. u don't have to know the name, age, etc. or know who's "fronting" or whatever with elaborate tagging systems and pages on ur blog with said info abt ur parts or "alters" to have did/osdd-1. worrying abt that stuff too much can worsen dissociation. )

it's not common for someone to have did/osdd-1 and for it to be obvious to themselves or others (who don't know what to look for, that is). this is why no small number of folks with did/osdd-1 are seemingly well-functioning on the outside since different dissociated parts often serve "everyday life" purposes such as going to work/school and these parts are the ones disconnected from traumatic "materials" as they're called. part of the reason why i'm wanting to conceptualize my experiences as osdd-1 is due to the fact that my default state (the "host"?) is emotionally dissociated from my trauma - i know it happened, but it seemed like it happened to "this body" rather than "me" and i don't feel anything about it until i get triggered. "apparently normal parts" that handle everyday life are usually trauma-avoidant or separated from the trauma like this in some way.

that being said, i'm still not totally sure if i qualify for an osdd-1 diagnosis or not tbqh. my situation is most like the "some individuals with OSDD-1 lack both amnesia and highly distinct parts" mentioned in the page i above linked (but yesterday and this morning/afternoon i was convinced i did - go figure). i'd been researching did/osdd-1 for a while (not necessarily because i thought it was what i was experiencing) which is part of what helped me come to terms with having experienced dissociation for a long time, and i thought up until like...the other day i definitely didn't have it. i came to believe i had some weird bpd/cptsd/szpd-like situation where emotional states had been "locked away" in boxes that i rarely touched as a defense mechanism against psychological distress. i also had a metaphor for my "emotional part(s)" as it/them being like, (a) ghost(s) that follow me around and aren't evil but occasionally "wrap their hands around my throat" to remind me that they're there.

then i saw someone w an osdd-1 diagnosis talk abt how they have parts whose "job" is to "feel sadness for them" as a defense mechanism against that kinda distress and then i was like...huh. and then i thought about how seeing my parents again felt kinda weird and distant. and that's kinda what tipped me off, despite having a pretty unstable sense of self and dissociation issues for a while. the "seeing my parents" thing is somewhat more major, because it felt different from my "default setting." thinking about it is uncomfortable and weird.

ur gonna have to do a lot of reading, tbh, and doing it in moderation is probably a good idea since thinking too much abt dissociation can trigger it. another thing is that conceptualizing yourself as having did/osdd-1 when you don't actually have that experience can worsen dissociation/identity issues as well so u gotta be careful abt how u approach it. but at the same time, cptsd and did/osdd-1 have mostly the same treatment methods anyway (and technically u gotta have cptsd to have did/osdd-1, not as like a diagnostic requirement really but a "you have to be traumatized from long-term traumatic experiences at a young age" sense) so many resources abt did/osdd-1 may be helpful to u regardless of whether you "have" them or not.

i can't tell u how to differentiate between symptoms of psychosis and did/osdd-1 (the blog i mentioned may have posts about that topic - there's two in their master-posts but neither were particularly helpful i don't think) since afaik i'm not psychotic but i wish you luck!

[flyingcatstiel]

1of2 Tired of metas blaming executives / defending writers. Writers can write horrible endings. Proof - GOT, HIMYM, Lost etc. Executives didn't force those bad endings. Reading all these conspiracy theories feels like I am listening to Trump. Executives are homophobic but ok with incestous ending? I asked my SO (who never watched SPN) to watch SPN final with me. I quote him "didn't you say they are brothers. It almost looks like they are going to kiss - Ewww - is this what you want me to watch?"

2of2 Even if we look at bottom line - Executives - apparently don't care the fact that Destiel was trending FIRST world wide - in middle of pandemic, middle of historic US elections - such free publicity to gain more viewers and money - but they care about incestous endings which grossed out lot of people. I wish these metas and conspiracy theorists stop baiting people and stop defending writers. Even before covid - Dabb had intended for this bad ending with proof that only 30% will like it.

Oh, nonnie. If you have sent this just 2 days ago, I’d be there with you, all salty about metas defending writers. Today tho, after going through some serious posts about the CW involvement with the show, about Russian market, about professional dubbing practices I have my thoughts in different order. 

So, from what I’ve seen so far (barely past midnight November 26 in the US as of writing this). Jensen went to re record audio stuff for 15x18, most likely Cas confession scene. Now we have info from Latin America (2 separate dubs)  that Dean actually reciprocated Cas’s love declaration and only after that The Empty took Cas. Nonnie, this changes everything. The first thing so many viewers noticed and commented on was the weird way the scene was cut and how little emotions Dean showed. The running gag on twitter was that Jensen is homophobic and Misha strong-armed him into that scene. Non shipper said that it was platonic love declaration from Cas, coming out of nowhere. But most importantly, we, shippers were robbed from proper celebration of our ship going canon. After 12 years of sticking with the ship, they still took it from us. This is totally on the CW shoulders.

But also, this means that destiel was at some point greenlit by the executives to be reciprocated in canon. Until someone at the CW backpaddled in late September. The writers are not responsible for this, they are victims of these changes as well. Dean’s answer changes the emotional beats of several scenes in 15x19 in addition to the scenes that were cut. 15x19 has that strange montage at the very end which most likely was added to cover cut scenes, say like Lucifer, Jack and Cas scene in the empty? Because if Misha was in 15x19, that would mean that the prank call was never meant to be his last contribution. I mean, the disrespect to the fans, the writers and Misha, all in one episode.

And then there’s 15x20 which looks so weird that a lot of fans immediately said that it is a butchered episode. Thing is, we have no idea what kind of script was written pre covid, how much it was changed and when, and how much was cut out from filmed episode. I’ve seen posts sayin that the script for 15x20 was still in rewrites when they finished filming for 15x18. Which is very, very late for a shooting script. I personally think that Dean’s death was the thing Jensen disliked so much, but even then - we don’t know how it was framed in earlier scripts and how they arrived at that horrific scene in 15x20. 

I’m not saying that SPN writers are the most amazing TV writers out there, and I look forward times when we will be able to discuss all problematic stuff SPN is filled to the brim with, but. We just don’t know what exactly happened in the SPN writing room and how much executives meddled with it. COVID happened. Nothing of this is normal. This is why the most important thing right now is to pressure the CW for some answers. Look at them throwing Misha under the bus today. That tells you bunches how well they know fandom and how to manipulate us. 

Now about that incestuous scene, aka Dean’s death, and why homophobic executives would be OK with it but not canon destiel. Under the cut we go, mostly for space reasons. 

Ok, this is so funny but I actually just finished writing my second answer about wincest in 15x20 and had problems posting it and that’s how I learned that we broke tumblr and destiel went canon in spanish. Here’s my post, check it out bc I’m not repeating it  here. 

I think wincest, aka incest between two able bodied, adult male brothers is something casual viewer outside the fandom is not even thinking about. If it was sister/brother deal with intimate embrace, people would notice faster. But two masculine, 6 ft tall macho dudes during the death scene? Nope. Here comes plausible deniability which viewers also use to ignore anything “funny” between Dean and Cas. I’m glad that you and your partner noticed incest vibes, but, I’ve see plenty people even in destiel fandom being fine with such scenes between Sam and Dean. I’ve seen some destiel fans saying that they really loved 15x20, so, there are viewers out there for whom it worked. 

Now let’s look at the bottom line. TBH, I’ve no idea where to look? Where is the projected revenues for a show that is ending? You say that Destiel trending during pandemic is a proof that our fandom is huge, but. No one knew that we had such power! And trending on twitter is not something that translates into money easily. And it happened 2 weeks before finale. There’s no time to change finale anymore. I personally think that destiel fandom has been shrinking for past couple of years, since so many folks left due to bad writing and queerbaiting. But they came back for tweeting. At this point destiel is bigger than it’s fandom. I personally think that the CW would have benefited from canon destiel, but they made different call.

I agree with you that in general, fandom should not defend the writers so much and ought to be more critical about the stuff they write, but today, November 26, 2020, the game is happening on completely different plane. I’m pretty sure that we got a butchered finale, and I’m very much inclined to believe that it is somehow connected to their efforts to promote The Walker show. Maybe Dabb’s original finale was really bad, but show me the script then. If destiel was supposed to be reciprocated, then they might have gone overboard with bro love in Dean’s death scene. Only now, when destiel was one-sided, that scene becomes very wincesty seemingly on purpose. A good creative writing, in it’s finished form, is a very tightly woven fabric. You pull out some threads, you unravel whole fabric. And that’s what 15x20 is. 

2 days ago I’d be roasting metas who defend spn writers, today I want to storm the CW. (pitchforks anyone?) Destiel shippers were robbed, queer love story was censored, this should be the focus of or anger today, not the writers or actors. We can do both - demand truth about the Cas confession scene and roast original Dabb’s ending if we ever get it. 

ETA - after writing this up, I checked out some posts by blogs who debunk all conspiracies, including Spanish dub. They sound very convincing! But in that case we have to talk about long term queerbaiting that was taking place on this old CW show till the very last minute. Cas was used in promos for 15x17 he was not in. They (ppl who make promos) deliberately used Cas barn scene from 4x01 in those promos, then actual barn in 15x20 promo but somehow it is shippers who are delusional? Don’t start me on Song of the day. Angel with a shotgun for 15x19? What was that about? After 15x18 there was no official goodbye to Cas which made ppl to watch finale. Like? Even if the Spanish dub gets officially debunked by the CW and not some random blogs, we are left with the fact that destiel fandom was gaslighted during the last stretch of s15. And not only by writers.

And if this was the finale they so lovingly crafted and deemed to be good, where are the celebration of the SPN ending? Why we had to watch documentary before the episode? Why 15x20 was so short? Why Canada watched the episode first (and leaked spoilers online) They filmed after quarantine, the script had to be the usual length. And so on, fandom has been through all the things that didn’t match several times already. PITCHFORKS -> the CW

[sjweminem]

hi dennis! i noticed that some of the blogs who send/reply nsfw asks r minors! i dont want to censor u & i hope this doesnt come out the wrong way bc im in my early 20s too & i know that bandom mostly consists of kids. i know u dont know who ur interacting w most of the time and i remember reading that ur uncomfortable with that kind of interaction so i wanted to let u know. i dont want u to stop making posts bc it's ur blog but i thought a lil heads up on who messages u would be important to u!

i do appreciate the gesture, i try to keep track of people’s general ages and don’t follow kids anymore myself but also the vast majority of folks who follow me aren’t my mutuals and lots of them interact w me/my posts so it’s a recipe for ppl to slip thru the cracks. and god i remember bein a kid and doing everything possible to access some Grownup Content.....i should probably mention more often since i get lots of ppl coming and going that my blog has been flagged as adult for 5+ years for a reason, and i can’t/don’t want to sift thru everybody who hops on board, and like i said i remember being in my teens and i know yall are gonna do what you want but i DO ask that any replies/messages (even anon) don’t get explicit, cuz i don’t wanna unwittingly do to you what weird folks knowingly did to me at like 14/15. even when you don’t find an issue with it then one day you’ll grow up and understand why they shouldn’t have interacted like that w you.....

tbh i can’t recall anything like. vulgar i’ve responded to lately but maybe you and i just have different bars for what counts as nsfw interaction, and how much leeway to give high schoolers. like for me the major specific thing i don’t want kids trying to engage me in is discussing dirty concepts/stories/thoughts/etc, or asking questions that would prompt that kinda response (either fandom related or regarding personal lives), since that’s specifically something other folks HAVE appropriately come to my blog to do for like as long as i’ve been here. that’s not the only application, i just think it’s more effective to point out clear examples for do’s/don’ts than just say “don’t say anything dirty to me” bc it’s both too subjective and removes responsibility from me personally. 

i know it’s a vague concept but to hopefully clarify my standards and what i hope from everyone else online i’ll try to explain what i mean more....under a cut bc it’s long and boring:

the standard i have for interacting with minors online basically comes from both my experience as a younger party, particularly with my cousin who’s been almost exactly like a sister to me for my whole life, and is 7 years older than me, and relationships w younger coworkers. regarding the former, we’re both only children but that lifelong relationship exposed us to the range of normal jokes and conversations among older and younger siblings. from the latter, i developed an ever-present real-life standard that translates into my online behavior.  for instance at the hospital job i held for years, we had a lot of high schoolers come in for a few hours every evening, and this squad of 16/17 yr old girls i got like....honorarily inducted into at 22 yrs old were some of the funniest fucking people i’d ever met, and we joked the same way, i knew they were smart and aware, but if talk turned to their own sex lives or whatever that’s when i’d step away (except to get lecturey and overprotective and they would make fun of me). if my input was wanted in some way that wasn’t for advice or understanding then that was the line, so that’s what i carry online bc i have a sense of what normal joking and talking looks like among varying ages. 

like if some 17 yr old replies/messages me sumthin like ‘juicy buttwhole 👅💦💦💦’ that’s something i would first of all laugh at for real with my real mouth, and register as something akin to regular younger-older sibling behavior, and probably reply to w britney_spears_yeah.gif. but if something doesn’t seem like just a silly (or even terrible bc i have Disgusting youths who torture me w their digital words) but self-aware joke or statement, and instead gets too detailed and personal and hoping to yield something other than my standard sarcastic and/or tongue in cheek reply, that’s when i don’t touch it. i actually don’t respond at all bc i don’t want to draw attention to this provocative statement made by a kid who didn’t know any better

lastly i know i come off more ambiguously online than irl, so for everybody if all else fails just read my reply in complete deadpan monotone and if it makes sense that way you know it’s just my standard way of talking 98% of the time and doesn’t go any further than that

[mallowstep]

@towheetails

Tbh I imagine it’s because Warriors targets a younger demographic. I’m not saying it’s JUST young ppl/teens with these uh… questionable takes, but the current intended audience of the books really grew up in a… How to phrase it? Internet purity culture? Current Internet culture in general has really skewed some things for some folks

I’m not a wordsmith so I can’t really find the way I want to phrase this exactly but I feel like a lot of their developmental social experiences online revolved around who’s the most woke, who deserves to be cancelled for xyz thing the did or said. A lot of “the people who are RIGHT vs the people who are WRONG”. It doesn’t leave much room for nuance or moral ambiguity without immediately painting those shades of gray as “you’re just a bad person”

i mean yeah, you're...pretty spot on.

i've been fiddly with words because i can't quite say the right things the right way, so pardon if i'm a little terse and/or unclear.

there's a HUGE rise of puritanism on the internet in a way that HORRIFIES me. i was talking...possibly on my main? about this, because i was catching my friend up on what fandom is like now, and uh. it's crazy. you leave for like. five years.

i'm no expert; my online experiences are marked by avoiding discourse as much as possible and i'm not a psychologist by any measure, so i don't want this to come off as anything more than, "one person sharing their opinions," but...i don't disagree.

i've noticed that people need to justify WHY they dis/like certain things. "i dislike this ship because it's abusive." and it's like...no, it's not, and you can just dislike it. that's allowed. and i did some thinking about that, and the conclusion i came to is it's all tied to a normalization of harassment in a way that's honestly pretty horrifying. and it's like, i don't know, i don't really ever want to TALK to someone who thinks harassment is okay, so i don't really have any level of insight into what's going on, but i feel like...

you end up in this weird situation where because you need a REASON to dislike something, things you dislike need to be morally wrong. and if they're morally wrong, liking them needs to be morally wrong.

[which is a big product of puritanism.]

anyway, so if liking them is morally wrong, people who like them are bad people. and we harass bad people now.

but i got off-topic because i have a lot of feelings about this and i think it's really harmful to people, especially kids. i could spiral out endlessly from here, but i do want to get to my point eventually.

my point is, and like. fictional characters are OBVIOUSLY different from real people. if you want crowfeather to die in a hole, that is your god-given right, and i will defend that right. go for it. i'd rather you didn't go off about it in my inbox, but i will defend your right to want that and to talk about that. i believe in you.

so like it's not like...morally bad to say "crowfeather deserved to be killed." i think you are CLEARLY wrong, but hey. your right to say it. your right to write as many fics where he gets the death you think he deserves, or draw it, or make fansongs about it, the world's your oyster, please do.

but.

i get the sense that some people believe his actions WERE bad enough to deserve death. and...that worries me. because you're going to go out into your life and meet people and yeah, fictional characters are NOT real people and i presume the vast, vast majority of people who think crow should die encountering a person like crowfeather are not going to say or even think, "you deserve to die," like, no. no that's not how this shit works.

[nb. i used crowfeather bc it's an example on my mind but i'm aware there are better examples.]

BUT i do think it's a PRODUCT of the same drive that makes so much harassment okay, that makes bandwagoning/dogpiling okay, that makes kids afraid to step out of line with some imagined paragon of virtue.

idk if i'm even still really making sense, but it's just...very. odd. to see a community behave like this from the outside. and i worry for the kids who are learning these thinking patterns, because it can be hard to change that later, as an adult.

idk. i don't have a big takeaway, just that i think you're right and i worry sometimes that people are going to grow up thinking what they like to see in media must fit some virtue paradigm and that people are good or bad and...

it's all puritanism, all the way down, and it worries me.

damn guys i dont think cheating deserves being sent into a place after you die full of murderers. who could. yknow. murder you. because the worst thing you ever did was cheat. (im not saying cheating isnt bad but im saying its better than something like. yknow. being a baby killer)

yeah thank you

like

um

i don't like to speak of the fandom (tm) too much but like...y'all gotta get your priorities straight uhhh people were calling for crowfeather's death on here a while ago.