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#and not all of them have wings now!! only some do
varpusvaras · 3 days
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Dick had many soulmarks.
Not as many as someone would've thought, probably, with the amount of friends that he had, but still many. They adorned his forearm like jewelry, circling around his skin in intricate patterns. Every single one of them just as beautiful as the other, just like the people they belonged to. Dick thought every single one of them as a blessing.
He had done so especially after the first two had faded away.
They were still there, of course. Nothing could ever truly erase a mark on someone's soul, after all. Not even death. Dick would've been even more devastated if the marks would've disappeared with his parents, even if sometimes looking at the now liveless marks hurt.
They had hurt, physically, when it had happened. When the bodies had hit the ground and Dick's heart had been ripped into pieces, the marks had burned, searing hot white pain latching onto him, pulling at his skin the same as his heart.
Not that Dick had really noticed it, then. He had been hurting too much otherwise to really care about it in the moment.
He had latched onto every new mark with all of his heart afterwards. It had hurt, when Bruce's had appeared, as it made the white, faded color of his parents' marks stand out even more, but the joy had been enough to chase the hurt away. Alfred's had not hurt nearly as much, and with his friends, he had simply been happy.
Dick would've never said it out loud, but he did have favorites. His parents', even faded. He didn't think anyone would blame him for that one. Bruce's, in a sense, as it had been the first live one he had gained.
His absolute favorite, though?
Jason's.
Jason was...different. He wasn't his parents, nor was he his caretaker. He had no obligations to Dick, even if obligations did not really affect the formation of the marks. He wasn't Dick's friend, either, not the same way anyone in the team was.
He was Dick's little brother.
And Dick would've given him the world.
Jason had been ecstatic when the marks had appeared, and, to be perfectly honest, so had Dick. They were such beautiful marks too, the lines twisting around themselves to form images of wings in flight, shining when light hit them just right, every new angle bringing out a new detail.
"Birds of a feather, right?" Dick had said, grinning wildly. "That's what we are, Little Wing, and the marks know it."
He had ruffled Jason's hair, and Jason had grinned back at him, and for that moment, Dick had been able to forget everything else. No argument or hurt had mattered even in the slightest.
It had just been Dick and Jason, in their own world, one that was only for them.
---
Dick was exhausted.
In a good way, for once. If there was a good way to be exhausted. Maybe saying that he was exhausted in a better way was more correct. No one was hurt too badly, and the day had been more or less a success. All things considered, at the very least.
He missed home. It was maybe a stupid thing to say, Dick knew that so many people back home would've given everything to go to space, but Dick was tired. He was tired of being the leader, tired of seeing his friends get hurt, tired of failing in some way every single day.
He missed home. Even if things with Bruce were not perfect, everything was still much simpler back at the Manor, at least compared to this. Alfred would be there, with his gentle yet firm words and reassurances, and Bruce, even when Dick wanted to mostly scream at him, was still a familiar presence in a familiar space.
Jason would be there, too, talking Dick's ear off, making the house lived in, making it feel like an actual home.
Dick just wanted this whole thing to be over already, if he was being completely honest. Today had been a good day, all things considered, and all Dick wanted to do was to faceplant on his bed and sleep without too many worried for once. Sleep and hope that it would bring him closer to getting back home.
Of course, he couldn't do that, not just yet. Even if no one was hurt too badly, he needed to make sure that everything was in order, make sure that they had all they needed, make sure-
One moment he was thinking about all the things he needed to still do, and the next he was on the ground on his hands and knees, being torn to pieces and burned alive.
There were voices around him. Someone was touching him, hands warm on his skin, tilting his face up, but Dick couldn't see who it was. His heart was beating erratically, like it was trying to tear itself to shreds and out of its place. It burned, searing hot, white pain, that had turned him into a human torch.
Distantly, Dick knew that he already knew this pain.
He got a breath in to his burning lungs. Then another one. He was still on fire, but he could see again.
Kory was right in front of him, holding his head. Dick was mostly on the ground, now, laying on his side, only barely holding himself on his elbows.
He had no idea when he had gotten there.
Kory seemed to notice that he had come back to himself. Her face relaxed ever so slightly as his eyes met hers.
"Dick?" She asked. Her voice was low, and she was clearly trying to keep it soft, but it was still pinched with worry, just like her eyes. "Are you alright?"
Dick didn't know what to say to her.
He knew he wasn't injured, not badly at least. He knew that, but he didn't feel alright, not in the slightest.
The pain was still there, curling around the edges of him, his skin feeling like embers that were still smoldering, even though the fire had gone away. He couldn't feel his arm properly, and Dick wondered if something had-
Suddenly he felt cold.
He pushed himself up, ignoring how shaky he felt. He almost fell down again, and Kory tried to put her hands on him, maybe to push him back down or to help him up. Dick didn't know, and he didn't have the time to stop and figure it out.
His suit was on the way. Dick tugged at it, then dug his teeth on the sleeve and ripped the seam open with force he hadn't known he possessed in his jaws, and he dug his fingers in it again and continued ripping the sleeve off of his skin.
There were voices around him again, someone's hands on his shoulders, but Dick didn't pay any attention to any of it. He needed to get it off, he needed to get it off, so he could see, he needed to get it off so he could see-
Jason's mark was gone.
It had been between Bruce's and Alfred's, golden and warm and brilliant, wings in flight, and it was gone.
Dick tilted his arm, tried to catch it in light, like he had done before, to make it shine like it always had, and-
It was there.
It was still there.
Faded.
White.
Dead.
Just like his parents.
The fire burned again where his heart should've been, freezing cold, hollowing him out from the inside.
The world disappeared from around him as Dick screamed.
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jazeswhbhaven · 2 days
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Falalalala, Michael is Sold~ (Christmas Miracle Card Spoilers|Summary)
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Howdy there lovelies, sorry it took me fucking forever to drop this, I've been distracted with Amy and Sitri (which I still need to finish out the last parts of that lmao) But, alas here we go with seeing how things play out with this bratty, brother-complex angel being sold at an auction... To view the prologue parts for the card I already went over HERE YA GO <3
If you've already saw all of that, I'm jumping right in. Same format as Raphael's Summary. As a reminder since the angels are paid banner only per PB's warning I am only allowed to really just paraphrase and heavily summarize his card story instead of the usual reacts I do.
Enough of the boring yapfest let's go lol
First I would like to thank my friend for continuously sharing card content with me. I wouldn't be able to do these things without such blessing, ;w;
Second, I would like to let the public know Michael was my fave at first due to aesthetics only. The pretty black hair, the one wing on the side of his head, but goodness doesn't he have some demons in him. (I want this to be a joke and a literal thing because..)
Anyways
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We lead in with Michael being pissed off that he's having his body shown, and everyone is infauted with his skin describing it as porcelian white. So marks show up very easily.
I like the continued theme that every seraph does not show their body to anyone but God.
The bid was high, like 55 million. Makes sense Tarataros is rollin' in dough.
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Some important things to note for Michael's card is that unlike his brother Raphael, he made a lot of expressions each time he was touched.
Instead of cursing and vocally trying to say anything, his body is simply reacting as he's thinking about how he shouldn't be showing ANYONE this and that MC needed to be stopped.
We still have the elements of "non-consent" but it seems it's different with Michael. He's wordlessly threatening everyone's demise but he doesn't put up as much of a fight.
MC ofc is getting turned on by everything he's doing
The guests have started masturbating in their seats (imagine being that one person just wanting to be there for the auction and your neighbor just starts jackin' it/flicking the bean. lmao)
Oop. We're punching them in the stomach again. I think that's going to be a reoccurring thing for Gabriel too.
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This is interesting...Michael slumped forward? I don't even think Raphael did that. I wonder without his powers poor Mike is possibly the weakest? He seemed to be the most powerful aside from Lucifer.
Michael is and has been getting turned on by the way since MC started touching him. He doesn't understand, but I'm like...my guy you almost came when your brother plucked out your eye I know what you are....
Now I don't remember if Raphael was branded, but Michael is branded for the auction. His halo starts glowing around this time too. Again I know what you are.
Also, Michael is so pissed off and horny random objects are shattering and he's basically crying buckets. Also his emotions are affecting the weather too. Neat.
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Alright so now he's really upset. He doesn't want MC to touch his cock because it's only for God to see and touch. He was not doing much before but he's definitely putting up a fight now.
Even auctioneer was like "Uh head for the decks folks he may cave the walls in on us" and everyone was like "Nah, stfu" like damn ya'll really want that angel bussy.
So as common theme of sounding continues...as you guessed Michael gets a metal rod stuck in his pee hole and well he's losing his mind ya'll.
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I bet he would like being called a good boy by his favorite person...
Anyways, after all the poking and probing from MC it appears that he only needs the rod stroking the inside of his cock for him to get to his climax. Nothing anally is being done to him for his story.
So after he cums he basically leaves in a beam of light. The other devils came on him too. They say though that he left wordlessly he stared at MC as if he wanted to say something. Interesting.
Though that's over and done with, basically the end of the story are the devil's bidding on MC's tormenting as if that's something to bid on lmao but Mammon was like yah 10 billion and it's being donated for the end of the year party in MC's name. What's cute though is that MC is referred to as His/Her Majesty along with Mammon. It's like his citizens shipped them already.
ANDDDD that's all folks. That's Michael's Christmas Story. If you want my blunt opinion????
5/10
I'm sorry ya'll, this card story wasn't really worth the money for Michael fans. It falls short in terms of what's done to him, he kinda just sat there for the majority of it until his cock was touched, and he just kinda poofs back home without confirming any feelings whether negative or positive towards MC like how we see in Raphael's card.
However, I did like the elements of Michael being able to withstand being touched and stayed still for the most part. This has me believe something that I will explain in my theories below. Also in adore mode you can play with his tiny head wing, like pulling on it and such. Wings are sensitive I imagine so it's a fun element.
THEORY TIME
I want to say that I think Michael didn't put up much of a fight because to him any other part of his body being touched, though it hasn't been touched by anyone before...is not that big of a deal to him and perhaps he's had these feelings faintly but just didn't push himself to explore that any further.
Now also, we note that his chastity belt was not removed by MC. I feel that the reason this did not happen is because Michael has 0 feelings for MC and thus the miracle didn't extend to that possibility. Now to compare with Rara's card...maybe during the event he started feeling things for MC, curiosity, and some kind of need for them, in that moment perhaps he felt as if this is what God wanted for him so he gave in 110%.
Michael resisted feeling that way for MC, because he simply did not want those feelings. He just wanted to experience being in pleasure only. Because perhaps...those feelings are deep for "someone else" that keeps getting implied ._. But anyways. That's more for those who ship that to go about, I personally do not lol (brother complex is brother complex)
I also think that perhaps the relationship between MC and Rara is meant to build more than the other two seraph angels. I'll just have to see Gabe's card and see what we're working with. I do not have a prologue for him because he was in the Nightmare Pass only last time....I wonder how they will pan out his story and what differences I will notice.
As always thank you lovelies for tuning in ^^ see you in the next react <3
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fandomxo00 · 2 days
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imagine if…reader is Logans daughter in a different universe but he dies when she’s very young and becomes the next wolverine at like 14 or something. And Wade being Wade brings her the “worst” wolverine and they have like a emotional reunion together 🥹🥹 (maybe dogpool can have a little cameo lol)
note: Writing about Laura cause I love her sm all she wanted was to be with logan just wanna protect her and not really writing in the pov of Laura but the reader but hope you enjoy 💕
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Laura had been devastated at Logan's passing. She hadn't even know the man long but there this sense of understanding that she had with him. They were made as monsters. You were a much younger version of her mother, when they met in the void when she was only 14, she looked up to you and you protected her the best you could. You tried to give her the life she deserved but it was rough when you were both exiled from your timelines.
But when Laura looked at you she saw her eyes reflected back in your own and she felt safe. You raised her the best you could, you knew that missed her father and everything that their relationship could have been. Little did you know that a random guy in a red suit and an annoying voice would Logan back into her life.
Though Laura explained that this version of Logan was grumpier than hers. He drank a lot more and complained a lot for someone who was living for free on your couch. Laura was now 19, she worked at the diner with you. If Logan didn't find a job in the next week, he could find somewhere else to stay. Though you don't think Laura will allow that. You have a rather weird relationship with Logan.
You had gotten pregnant and had Laura in your world, endured the torture of being there and having your daughter taken away with you. You never met Logan but you had his child. Sadly, you also had to feel the loss of your Laura when Piece killed her right in front of you with adamantium bullet before shooting you. Luckily, they hadnt shot you with an adamantium bullet, because Laura's blood had been in your DNA since you first got pregnant with hers. You were able to heal but she wasn't.
You had wished every day for years that it was you instead but you were fortunate enough. But then you found her again and you swore with your life that you would do anything for her. Even let her deadbeat dad lay on the couch, no matter how many times he walked around shirtless or smiled over at you didn't mean anything. You watched Logan's walls crumble as his daughter slowly tore the through the rumble and started bonding with the man. Even getting him to bake with her, you had smiled getting a picture of the two.
Then one night she had a date, he was surprised when he saw a young mutant who was nonbinary. Laura glowed as she looked at them, Logan tried to do the whole scary dad thing, but wound up just nodding and letting them go. The two of you sat at the couch, a joint passed between you as you spoke lightly into the night. Opening up about your past as your inhibitions lowered and the two moved closer to each other.
At some point his lips wound up yours his hands on your waist while he cradled your head in his hand. Your lips slotted with his, as your hands gripped his shirt. The two of you pulled away breathless before taking it back to your room.
A week later, Logan got a job, he also started sleeping in your bed. The three of you grew close as a family and you've never felt more full in your life. But eventually Laura wanted to spread her wings and wound up moving into the X-Mansion. She came to visit the two of you frequently and always came to hang out with her younger siblings.
tags:@ohtobemare @jessjessmarvelandhp @chronicallybubbly @delicateholland @bubblegumholland @mega-kittyglitter-1
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l0stfoster · 2 days
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I wanna know more about the harpies they interest me so deeply ‼️
HARPIES TALK TIME!! They're some of my favorites to think about. I'm gonna re-post the little bits of info about them from the original post ab Cursed here, just so this can be like a little collective master list of Harpy info :D INFO BELOW THE CUT BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON!!! If I add more info about harpies I'll likely edit this post
- All the greaser Harpies look out for one another. It doesn't matter if they're not from the same gang, or if their gangs have tension; you look out for one another. They may necessarily not be each other's flock, but it’s natural for them to stick together. - They flock together as much as they do because a harpy escaped Tulsa once, completely disappeared, and it set all the east side harpies into a panic. They can't leave Tulsa, so it's better to always have a connection to ensure you won't HAVE to leave. - The harpies love to play fight. They will absolutely beat the shit out of each other and then grab lunch as if nothing happened. All of the harpies have bird habits too. Most of them sleep on their stomach because catching your feathers underneath yourself when sitting up hurts. - Gifting culture and flock marking with feathers is a huge thing for them all. Almost all harpies have feathers from other harpies, though the symbolism with those isn't for flock marking and stands more as a general display of loyalty. - All harpies have an inherent aversion/fear of cats since felines are a pretty big predator to birds. Even harpies of birds of prey or the birds you'd traditionally see that go for cats have that built-in instinct to avoid. (Little fun fact, they're not fans of Umbra, and Paul abuses that. He has let Umbra gnaw on Tim's feathers before out of spite) - Not a single harpy can see glass, they're all victims to the DX windows. - Pretty much all of them can enter torpor willingly as well. Some do it more often than others, it's a preference thing. - Most of the harpies can't fly well in rain, it's just difficult in most weather conditions that aren't clear skies. However, bad weather doesn't stop them from trying; it just means there's an increase in broken bones and hurt birds for a day. - All of them can chirp, coo, whistle, copy voices, etc. Certain harpies are better at it, as the kind of bird they are makes it either easier or harder. The Shepards are a good example, being black vultures and all. Vultures don't have voice boxes and usually make low growling sounds instead of other noises. But since the shepherds are harpies and not full birds, they can make normal bird chitters and such but it’s raspy because they’re not really supposed to be able to make those noises. - They're very territorial by nature. - They generally don't eat bird meat for cultural reasons, but every now and then the birds of prey and scavengers do. It's sort of in their nature to be uneasy about it, though, and they're not fond of watching people eat bird meat either. - They all have hollow bones, so they're pretty damn light. - A lot of them affection bite. - One baby harpy gets adopted by pretty much any harpy in the proximity. Two's sister was a victim of every Harpy taking the chance to fly with her, preen her, etc. It's like that motherly thing where moms will whip around if they hear any child yell "mama", only it's that the harpies will be up and arms the second a baby harpy makes a sound. - On that note, though, the babies get bulled (lightly) for their goofy-looking wings. Mostly the ones who look like blended cotton balls as babies. Some baby birds are REALLY ugly. - They have a really good sense of smell and even better eyesight. I would not want one of them hunting me down. - Their talons are hella sharp and their nails usually get sharp as fuck too.
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someverygaymoth · 3 days
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So, so, so— afterdeath to destructivedeath pipeline, yeah?
With little teensy Goth.
Reaper meeting Error and romancing him and all of this, Error slowly beginning to love him, because he loves Error despite the fact that he's not Geno anymore, but moreso, he starts to feel guilty for lying to him. He feels guilty for knowing Reaper's coffee order, his favorite snacks, remembering them all after all this time, guilty for having spent a lifetime with him, that he simply chose to ignore.
He sits Reaper down and talks to him about it, lost of crying, lots of careful kissing, lots of promises and boundaries laid out.
It only seems right to Introduce Error to Goth, now. But, Error is so nervous. So scared Goth won't forgive him for disappearing, even If he couldn't help it. (Goth is like 6 or 7 now) Reaper talks away all his fears, reassuring him and comforting him, and they come up with an idea...
Reaper: hey kid...
Goth: dad's home!!!
R, scooping him up in a big hug: hey dove!! Hi! Sorry, work was long today... And I had to go and get someone...
G, curiously: get someone? Who?
R: in a second, dove.
He laughs, before thanking Blue for looking after Goth today. Reaper walks over to the couch and sits Goth down.
R: you know how I met someone special, a little while ago?
G: yeah, you met somebody you love!
R: yeah, yeah I did. Just like I met your Papa, and loved him.
G: oh.
R: you okay?
G: you don't like to talk about Papa.
R: no, no, I just... Miss him sometimes. And that's not a bad thing. People, they come and go. And sometimes they come back. Sometimes they don't. But, if they come back... Things are always different.
G: why?
R: well, people, they change. And grow. And sometimes, to change and grow, you have to be away from people. Even some people you really love.
G: like... How Papa went away?
R: yeah, like how Papa went away...
G: ...
R: Goth, do you know how caterpillars become butterflies?
G: oh, yes, they... Make a cocoon, and go in it, and then they become a butterfly!
R: that's right! But, it takes time for caterpillars to become butterflies.
G: how long?
R: weeks, sometimes.
G: gasp that's forever!
R: snickering yeah, well, people are just like butterflies. But going into their cocoon to grow... And change... It takes even longer. It takes years, sometimes.
G: years? But... That's so long... Won't they get sad?
R, tearful: they get very sad sometimes, yes. But we need to be sad to grow, sometimes. Your Papa, he went away because he needed that. And he was sad without you, and me, and the people he loved very very much. But, that's what he needed to grow and change.
G: he... He did? So... He became a butterfly?
R: yeah, he's... Very different now. He doesn't look the same. Just like a caterpillar doesn't look like a butterfly. And he doesn't act the same, just like Caterpillars don't fly and butterflies do, and his name is different, just like a caterpillar is called a Butterfly when it comes out of its cocoon. But one thing stays the same, do you know what that is?
Goth shakes his head, frowning
R: he is still your papa. And your papa loves you, more than anything in the whole multiverse.
G: do you promise?
R: it's not my place to promise.
G: oh...
R: do you, want to see him?
G, looking nervous: ... Are you sure...?
R: sure about what, dove?
G: that... Papa still loves me.
R: I'm never been more sure of anything, bud...
G: I... Want to see him.
R: Error, you can come in.
The door opens, and Error hesitantly steps through. He looks to Reaper first, and when his eyes fall to their little souling, tears come to his sockets.
Error: Hey, dove.
G: Papa?
E, walking over: yeah...
G: you're... Like a butterfly now?
E: yup, just like a butterfly.
G: do you have wings like dad now?
E, snickering and sniffling: no, not quite... I look pretty different though.
G: your skull is all better!
E, outright crying now: yeah, it is.
G: do you feel better now?
E, sitting down on the coffee table: I feel all better now.
G: ... Then... Why are you crying?
E: because I missed you... And I missed your dad, and... I'm happy I'm home.
G: are... Are you going to leave again?
E: no, I'm never going to leave you again.
G: do you promise?
E: cross my soul, I'm not leaving you again. I promise, little dove.
Error holds out his pinkie in a gentle offering, smiling a little.
G: your hands are colorful!
They take the offered pinkie and the promise is sealed.
E: yeah, they are.
G: ... Can I have a hug?
E: yeah... Yeah, always.
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vi0let-writes · 3 days
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Alright then, may I request Cyno, Xiao and AlHaitham. S/o pranking them, you know that one period prank girlfriend do on their boyfriend?, telling them to go by her some pads with wings. To see what they actually get for her (like would they actually understand the assignment or actually got her pads with Chiken wings thinking that's what s/o meant) or even told them to buy non-existent feminine products for example "help me buy the Super Jumbo Tampons with Wings✨✨✨" that kind of stuff. This is just crack request, wanting to trick these innocent stoic guys hehe~ 😈😈😈 this can be a modern au if you want
The dividers I used are here
thank you SM for the request!!!! This is such a silly idea! There is a screenshot of the messages for each one, and then a written part below, so make sure you don’t miss that!
characters: Alathiam, Cyno, Xiao
includes: Crack, fluff
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Alhathiam
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“I’m home” Alhathiams voice sounds as he walked through the front door. He made his way into the living room, where you sat on the couch, reading a book. You looked up, seeing your boyfriend with a shopping bag in one hand, and a takeout box in the other.
“oh! Did you get me food too? You’re so sweet!” You cheered happily. He rose his eyebrows confused.
“yeah, the wings you wanted?” He confirmed, his face obviously filled with confusion. You paused for a moment, before realizing that he misinterpreted the request, you then started crackling out in laughter.
“y-you.. thought I mean.. HAhAhaHa! Chicken wings?!” You wheezed out.
“what..?”
“let me see the pads you got.” He nodded, handing you the package over. “Baby, look, here on the package, it says ‘winged’ that’s what I meant” you giggled, taking one out and showing him. “Here, these flaps wrap around to keep them in place.” He looked utterly embarrassed.
“yeah.. I knew that.. I- I.. uh just wanted food..” he tried to play it off.
“it’s okay! I’ll go get these put away and then we can cuddle and eat these!” Alhathiam nodded, ears still red.
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Xiao
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“Love” a voice suddenly appeared behind you, causing you to jump.
“Xiao! Hi” you sighed out. He fell into your arms, face hiding away from you.
“I’ve failed you..” he grumbled out. “I couldn’t find the feminin product you requested.” You laughed, feeling kinda bad.
“it’s okay sweetie, I was just joking with you! Now I feel bad…” you ran your hands gently through his hair.
“what.. why? I went to 5 different places,people staring at me rummaging through things, and being sad for a silly prank? You have no respect for the Adepti..” he huffed, letting go of you and crossing his arms.
“no Xiao! I’m sorry.. come here, we can cuddle.” You apologized. He just rolled his eyes.
“fine.. only for a bit. I’m a busty person.”
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Cyno
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Cyno trudged through the front door, and to you in a hurry, 3 bags in his hands. When he came bursting through your bedroom door, your eyes widened in concern.
“Cy, what?” You questioned.
“I’m sorry, I took so long because I went to like 10 places trying to find the ones you mentioned; but I couldn’t… so I just got a bunch of them, you could stack them!” He reasoned, putting the bags down on the bed, revealing MANY boxes of pads. Your eyes widened again in surprise, before you laughed.
“Cy, you don’t stack them for one, also I was pranking you..” your smile was wide. He was quite for a second.
“oh.. haha, darling, I left work! For a prank?!” He sighed. ”what? You could have said that you were working!” A frown appeared on your face.
“hmm, it’s okay, but what do we do with all of these?” He motioned to the pads.
“I’ll use those eventually.” You bummed out a response. “Why don’t we play TCG to make up for it” Cyno pondered your proposal.
”I suppose I could take the rest of the day off”
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Hope this was good!
you can leave requests in the “ask me anything”
my list of fandoms is pinned in my blog.
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Can I please request Nyx being a wing man for Cass?? 🥰🥰
Haven’t written for Cass in fucking ages…
Wingman
It was the annual ball one that Rhys loved to hold because well the man even if he was kind, deep down had that inkling to be a little show-off. It came from pride in what he had built. From general love for his people. For everyone who had built Velaris, turning it from just a city to an actual home. So these balls were open to everyone. The house that the high lord possessed was open to his people.
Cassian usually held back. If anything he let himself act like the guard of the house watching over everyone. Not that he expected someone to steal anything or break into a fight. It’s just his nature. Until Rhys had practically shoved him out of the house and into the back garden flowing with people. That’s where he had been ever since. That’s where he had caught a glimpse of you. That’s when something strangely unfamiliar rumbled in his chest.
“Mother, I’m a creep”, he mutters under his breath, pulling his eyes away from you as he tosses his drink back. Trying to keep his attention fixed on anything else. Anyone else? And then he’s back at square one as his eyes on their own accord find you. Moving across the garden to sit down. Smiling at the people on the dance floor. “Uncle Cass”, the voice of his nephew howling is however the only cure for now as he glances at the little boy half running half flying towards him. A proud smile forming on his lips. “What’s my troublemaker up to now”, Cass catches Nyx mid-air, tossing him up, earning a big belly laugh from the boy. “Got cookies”, Nyx giggled as Cassian slowly put him down, kneeling in front of him. “Cookies, hm… care to share?”, the general smirks watching as Nyx looked around, before pulling a cookie out of his pocket, making Cassian let out a laugh. A laugh that had caught your attention and as if his body had noticed that his eyes drifted to meet yours.
“What?”, Nyx asked, “What are you looking at?”, the boy glanced around too, not too keen on losing his uncle’s attention. But with your sparkly eyes watching him, Cassian couldn’t seem to string any words together. Captivated. He was captivated. “Uncle Az likes her for smooches”, now that’s enough to make Cass once again snap back to Nyx, “What?”, but the little boy only smirks before he’s off. His little feet carrying him fast through the sea of guests. All Cassian manages to do is grunt a quick no before he too tries to get to you.
Tinny hands pull at your dress making you look down. Purple eyes glancing up at you. “Well, hello there”, you muse. “My uncle really like you, he had drool on his face, going this”, the kid rambles on, before making a droopy lovesick face. You bite your lip, trying to stifle your laughter, “Really?”, “Mhm, he’s silly like me but he’s the best”, Nyx nods eagerly. “Well, your uncle sounds sweet”, you reach out to push some of his messy curls away from his face. “Can you be my girlfriend so I can annoy him?”, he asks but before you can say anything a firm voice booms behind you. “Nyx”, it’s more of a grunt than anything, “We don’t go harassing women, buddy”, and Mother strikes you, the moment you turn back you see the same male who had caught your eye. You knew him. Everyone knew him but… nothing prepared you for that real deal. “Is that why you were staring at her? He was staring at you”, Nyx nods along, way too proud of himself. “Mother, have mercy”, Cassian grunts into his palm before turning to you, “I’m sorry he's having a sugar rush, should have taken the cookies away”. But you simply cannot be anything but giddy as you watch them. “I can introduce you to Uncle Az, he also…”, but before he can say anything else Cassian cuts in, “No one is introducing anyone to anyone”, he shakes his head, “Get gone you little devil”, Cassian pinches Nyx’s side making the boy let out yet another mischievous laugh. “Uncle Cass and pretty lady will nice hair sitting in the tree…”, the boys sing songs making a couple of heads turn his way. “Don’t you dare finish that”, Cassian warns him but Nyx only grins deeper before shouting, “Kissing!”, and then he’s off, running as if his life depends on it.
Cassian watches him for a moment, composing himself before turning to you, “I’m so sorry, he’s not usually like that”, but he’s met with you softly chuckling. “He’s quite a character that one”, you mutter, lifting your head to look at him. Cassian takes a deep breath in, “wow”, he mutters. His hands reach up, wanting to brush over your face but he halts, stopping himself, “Sorry, you’re just so pretty”, he breathes out, making your cheeks turn crimson in a heartbeat. “General are you nervous?”, you muse. “Don’t pull rank on me, love, I’m a sensitive soul”, Cassian presses his hand to his chest as if he were wounded. “I can tell from the way that boy ripped you to bits”, you chuckled softly, making Cassian grunt, “He’s my sidekick but sometimes I doubt he’s actually on my side”, “Well, he did his wingman duties didn’t he?”, you shrug watching him. Cassian nods along, “Yeah, I guess he did. Cassian by the way”, he offers you his big callused palm. “Hm, and I was hoping for Uncle Az”, you shake your head biting your lip. “Now that’s plane insensitive, love. Don’t tag team with the devil”, Cassian whines with a laugh. “Y/n”, you press your way smaller palm against his, “But the pretty lady with nice hair works too”. You both chuckle, shaking hands, “I will find even more creative nicknames for you, sweet cheeks”, he winks your way before offering you a new drink.
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jackoshadows · 5 hours
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Firstly, why is it that Sansa can only be praised by comparing her to Arya? Secondly, in what world is Arya physically strong and more than Sansa?!
The masculinization of Arya Stark by tradfems in fandom has become so commonplace that I suppose many of them imagine this is how Arya and Sansa are in the books:
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In case folks don't know this: ARYA IS TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN SANSA! She's the younger sibling!
Anyone who has read a Jon POV chapter should know that Arya is a skinny, little girl. Jon specifically makes a small, lightweight, thin sword for Arya to handle.
And Arya … he missed her even more than Robb, skinny little thing that she was, all scraped knees and tangled hair and torn clothes, so fierce and willful. - Jon, AGoT
Arya has been on the run for two years, hunted by Lannister men, a slave put to hard physical work and starved for food.
She spent the rest of that day scrubbing steps inside the Wailing Tower. By evenfall her hands were raw and bleeding and her arms so sore they trembled when she lugged the pail back to the cellar. Too tired even for food, Arya begged Weese's pardons and crawled into her straw to sleep. - Arya, ACoK
Often as not, she went to bed hungry rather than risk the stares. - Arya, AGoT
"Lommy's hungry," Hot Pie whined, "and I am too." "We're all hungry," said Arya. - Arya, ACoK
Arya watched them die and did nothing. What good did it do you to be brave? One of the women picked for questioning had tried to be brave, but she had died screaming like all the rest. There were no brave people on that march, only scared and hungry ones. - Ary, ACoK
I knew we should never have left the woods, she thought. They'd been so hungry, though, and the garden had been too much a temptation. - Arya, ASoS
"An inn?" The thought of hot food made Arya's belly rumble, but she didn't trust this Tom. - Arya, ASoS
Rabbits ran faster than cats, but they couldn't climb trees half so well. She whacked it with her stick and grabbed it by its ears, and Yoren stewed it with some mushrooms and wild onions. Arya was given a whole leg, since it was her rabbit. She shared it with Gendry. - Arya, ASoS
The biggest toms would seldom win, she noticed; oft as not, the prize went to some smaller, quicker animal, thin and mean and hungry. Like me, she told herself. - Cat of the Canals, AFfC
We have the contrast of Arya having to trade some carrots and cabbages they picked from an overgrown garden to get some food and the innkeeper complaining about the lack of lemons to the sumptuous 64 dish feast in the Vale with a 12 feet tall lemon cake made especially for Sansa.
Anguy shuffled his feet. "We were thinking we might eat it, Sharna. With lemons. If you had some." "Lemons. And where would we get lemons? Does this look like Dorne to you, you freckled fool? Why don't you hop out back to the lemon trees and pick us a bushel, and some nice olives and pomegranates too." She shook a finger at him. "Now, I suppose I could cook it with Lem's cloak, if you like, but not till it's hung for a few days. You'll eat rabbit, or you won't eat. Roast rabbit on a spit would be quickest, if you've got a hunger. Or might be you'd like it stewed, with ale and onions." Arya could almost taste the rabbit. "We have no coin, but we brought some carrots and cabbages we could trade you." - Arya, ASoS
Sixty-four dishes were served, in honor of the sixty-four competitors who had come so far to contest for silver wings before their lord. From the rivers and the lakes came pike and trout and salmon, from the seas crabs and cod and herring. Ducks there were, and capons, peacocks in their plumage and swans in almond milk. Suckling pigs were served up crackling with apples in their mouths, and three huge aurochs were roasted whole above firepits in the castle yard, since they were too big to get through the kitchen doors. Loaves of hot bread filled the trestle tables in Lord Nestor’s hall, and massive wheels of cheese were brought up from the vaults. The butter was fresh-churned, and there were leeks and carrots, roasted onions, beets, turnips, parsnips. And best of all, Lord Nestor’s cooks prepared a splendid subtlety, a lemon cake in the shape of the Giant’s Lance, twelve feet tall and adorned with an Eyrie made of sugar. For me, Alayne thought, as they wheeled it out. Sweetrobin loved lemon cakes too, but only after she told him that they were her favorites. The cake had required every lemon in the Vale, but Petyr had promised that he would send to Dorne for more. - Alayne, TWoW
Arya was already a little, skinny girl smaller than Sansa when they left Winterfell. She has been worked to the bone, sleeping rough and gone hungry. Again, by what logic is this Arya supposed to be physically strong and more than Sansa?!
There is this idea that's often pushed where Sansa is some dainty, fragile princess while Arya is this strong executioner henchwoman and it's just so tiresome and toxic.
Arya is also not Brienne! They are two different characters. If you want physically strong warrior types to compare to Sansa, there is already Brienne. Arya is the smaller, younger sister. In canon and logically, it's the taller, bigger, elder sister with access to good, rich food who would be physically stronger.
The Stark looking Starks tend to be slender and quicker compared to the bigger, stronger Tully looking Starks.
He was of an age with Robb, but they did not look alike. Jon was slender where Robb was muscular, dark where Robb was fair, graceful and quick where his half brother was strong and fast. - Bran, AGoT
The biggest toms would seldom win, she noticed; oft as not, the prize went to some smaller, quicker animal, thin and mean and hungry. Like me, she told herself. - Cat of the Canals, AFfC
"Can't you guess?" Jon teased. "Your very favorite thing." Arya seemed puzzled at first. Then it came to her. She was that quick. They said it together: "Needle!" - Jon, AGoT
Arya was always quick and clever, but in the end she's just a little girl, and Roose Bolton is not the sort who would be careless with a prize of such great worth. - Jon, ADwD
This is one of the reasons for why Jon Snow is so protective of Arya Stark - he certainly doesn't see her as some physically strong warrior type, despite gifting her with a sword. He's scared for her because he knows that despite how clever she is, Ramsay can kill, rape and torture her - she's 'just a little girl'.
Arya deserves to be protected, same as Sansa. She is not there to be anyone's henchwoman, she does not have super strength and she is certainly not physically stronger than Sansa.
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autisticandroids · 4 months
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CASTIEL: Stop. What's the point if you don't mean it? You fear me - not love, not respect, just fear.
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a godstiel pity party. i'd like to thank an anon i got way back in february of 2021.
#spn#vid#spnamvarchive#so fun fact i started making this more than a year ago. got it 90% done. and then was like no this isn't working#i will come back to this later.#it turns out that i needed to make some videos about cas and angels (the love club + help i'm alive amvs)#in order to make this one. anyway this video is about french mistake robert singer voice season six#i really struggled with it because i could NOT find the thread until i realized that it needed to be literally godstiel pov#it's about love and desire and jealousy and hurt and omnidirectional rage <3#it's about the fact that cas is so utterly dependent on dean for his self-image - however dean sees him that's it#it's about having a moment of reflection about lashing out before you do it but doing it anyway#it's about taking cruelty and dishing it out#and crucially. it's about being pregnant#mpregpocalypse#fun fact: i made a post about working on three season six amvs all the way back in nov. 2022#and only now have they come to fruition (this one + love club + metric)#anyway. have you heard that cas is obsessed#the thing is i do kinda want to add some specific director's commentary here. like the first verse is about cas being like.#incredibly deeply emotionally vulnerable to dean. as in: his emotional state and self-image is totally dominated by what dean thinks of him#and if dean is mad at him. and then the second verse is about... dean upsetting him and him responding to that by Killing Everybody lol#like he has a moment of reflection ['certain regrettable things are now required of me' + killing rachel] where he's like i've 1) also done#bad things and 2) i feel bad about it so maybe i will regret Killing Everyone. but then he does it anyway due to everybody keeps turning#on him. i feel like the rest of the amv is self evident. i guess i should note that 'share a paradise' is about how both of them have#a nostalgic view of the early days of their relationship when it wasn't Like This lol. but everything else i think is self evident.#oh and the reason the other angels flash onscreen with their burned wings at the end is i'm EVOKING the image of cas' wings burning. even#though it doesn't happen. i'm evoking it
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butterflieswhisper · 2 months
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looping echidna beastlife gif from trying to figure out toonboom
#based loosely off the bird who keeps taunting my cats through the window. brown headed cowbird who will sit there#and flap it's wings and yell until the cats show up and then it starts pecking at the window and jumping back and forth in front of them#weird bird.#it's done this for like two years now i think#anyways. sound it makes when it fluffs up is vaguely similar to echidnas birdsong soundboard noise thing. so. yeag#whisp whispers#my art#ALSO. ANIMATION PRECOLLEGE IS SO AWESOME. IM SO. AHRHRHNFMDM GET ME OUT OF HIGHSCHOOL PRLESDRRRE GIVE ME AN ART TEACJER WHO CARES ABOUT ART#it's so awesome here. toonboom access!!!! this is so awesome. guys toonboom is so awesome. not to turn a hobby into a job but like i was#genuinely kind of sad when i didn't get to go to school over the weekend it's so awesome here. who was going to tell me college doesn't suck#miserably all the time. like it's a precollege but still this is so ??? so much better than anything i've done in the past 8 years#<-except for fine crafts one i miss u fine crafts ...... not even a fine arts credit. but it was a nice class#anyways point being. hm. maybe i could animate for a job. i used to think about it but hs art magnet is so bad guys it's so bad .and i#was like hm this sucks actually. also like worst period of my life but that's unrelated . but this is so. nice? and im DOING things and i#feel like i'm learning??? god i hope dual enrollment goes well maybe i will be able to make it through college...#im so. this is so awesome. precollege animation 2-week intensive thing i love you i love you i love you#BTW GUYS DID YOU KNOW ALL AUTODESK PRODUCTS ARE FREE AS LONG AS UR IN ANY SCHOOLING. MAYA. FOR FREE. FOR AS LONG AS ENROLLED IN ANY SCHOOL#AND THEN SOME !!! i don't even like 3d modeling that much but. maya for free??? that's awesome. that's awesome!! anyways#rambling. i think i missed all normal tags. uhhhhhhhhh#beastlife#<-oh no i only missed that one. awesome. guys i love it here this is so. arbrnsnnm i love you figure drawing. i'm having fun!#with charcoal!!!!! i thought i hated charcoal but this is like !!!!! so aweosme ?????? i'm#this is so awesome. this is so awesome. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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theflyingfeeling · 10 months
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fic talk in the tags 💝
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toytulini · 3 months
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i feel like the makeup standards are not necessarily going to get Worse, just. stay the Same. "raised by sephora and ulta" christ alive yall act like this shit is new. as if this hasnt been the standard to blast young girls with makeup ads and shit via magazine and tv and imposed beauty standards anyway. the only real difference is like, idk, accessibility of tutorials for how to apply it well
#toy txt post#spoken as. a no makeup bitch#altho i have also been accused by a terf of wearing a pound if makeup for wearing. visible lipstick in a selfie. and that was It#the actual Beauty Standard has largely stayed the exact fucking same of like making your skin texture as fake as possible#that was the standard back then too but it was harder to achieve /know how to do it cos there werent tutorials the same way now#also yes sephora and ulta are evil and all that but like the same amount theyve always been.#yall really acting like these imposed beauty standards being exposed to children is like a new unique tiktom thing thats never happened#before. and yall blaming instagram are no fuckin better. this has been happening The Entire God Damn Time#also theres something rubbing me about the way this is getting talked about. 'she did all thos other arbitrary bullshit except this#One Thing! the discrimination against this one thing is awful!#and like. it is. but i feel like we could address that while also maybe stepping back a tiny bit further and questioning these arbitrary#standards of professionalism too while we're at it#why does she have to have a blazer either? why do the earrings have to be understated#why do the colors have ti be bland and boring? why does he hair have to be a natural color and gender conforming ?#etc etc etc#like if we're accepting all that other shit the ppl upset about this could acknowledge she might experience similar discrimination for say#very obvious goth or punk-y makeup or anything a little too far outside the bounds of the acceptable beauty standard#everyone is pissed about 'eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man' but theyd be saying nothing if she was discriminated for fuckin#big wings and black lipstick bc well thats Obviously not professional standard makeup. okay?#if we change how we look at professional standards of dress and makeup as a whole to include Fucking Freak Bitches#then it would be a lot easier to include No Makeup in there as welllllll#idk#im a no makeup bitch with blue hair whos only ever worked in warehouses so they didnt give too much of a shit about my lack of makeup#or blue hair as long as i didnt show up in like flip flops which is a Reasonable dress code bc its got an actual fucking reason#(safety so you dont lose your goddamn toes to a box or a grate or some shit) vs it makes the office corpo bros sad#anyway idk if you have the privilege to get away with it i think you should dress weirder in the office to get them used to weirder dress#maybe instead of Suddenly going No Makeup sort of slowly lessen the amount so its not a Sudden change or smth#again: if you have the privilege and job security to get away with it#also also also: easier to get away with if you were to say. mask. js. they cant get mad at schrodingers lack of lipstick
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flowering-darkness · 6 months
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hi ari i do have a question - how do u imagine the giratina wings would work .. like would they be solid .. trying to imagine lunadri cuddling with the wings in the way
Hello friend!!! Thank you very much for this question ^-^ (I apologise for how long my answer ended up becoming ;w;)
To answer your questions/comments succinctly:
The wings work a bit weirdly because they're to do with the original Giratina, which I'm saying was Reborn-Shiny because so is the Arceus (I think). ..Don't ask me how she got tied up with it in the first place.
They are more spectral than properly solid, but you can still feel them (putting your hand through them will make it feel numb though, and it also feels weird to Adriana, so perhaps don't do that). They look more solid when she's in a New World.
We can work around them! It basically just means Luna can't hug Adriana from behind without needing to take them into account, but.. everything else is theoretically on the table. So, I like to think that works out ^-^
Okay, now for my actual initial very long-winded response to this.
Hmm.. I will admit that I hadn’t considered this. I think it would make sense if Adriana’s wings were at least somewhat non-solid, in that, like.. most things can pass through them, but with some resistance, to the point that you can probably push something through them quite easily, but if you just sort of threw something at them then it would probably just lose too much momentum and fall. Adriana will feel it if something goes into or through her wings, though (at least after they become fully apparent, which happens after the Giratina quest in postgame. Specifically:
Only Anna is able to see Adriana's wings to begin with, similarly to the other traits she perceives others as having (like Taka's own wings or Cain's pitch-black eyes), and Adriana cannot see or sense them whatsoever. However, Anna never properly specifies what they actually look like, just insists that she has them.
After becoming void-kissed (so, after the Glass Workstation), Adri starts very vaguely being able to sense her wings occasionally, and they also start sometimes appearing in glimpses in her shadow. Other than that, no-one else can see or sense them, though Luna definitely does her best to accommodate them from here on out, regardless. It still isn't clear what type of wings they are. (Note that it's after becoming void-kissed that Adriana starts being able to perceive others as Anna does, so this means that this occurs with the exception of herself.)
Whenever she is confronting Umbral Trainers or Anomalies, Adriana becomes more aware of the presence of her wings, but is generally too caught up with what is going on in the moment to properly dwell on it like she wants to - and most New World areas are so shadowy that she can't really tell if they're constantly there in her shadow or not.
The moment her wings finally become visible and tangible to everyone is the same moment in which Anna starts mistaking her for a doll of Lin's - after she catches the original, Reborn-Shiny, Giratina that Zina sealed beneath Byxbysion. A comparison of this false perception versus the new truth is given below:
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From this point onwards (which.. admittedly isn't that much more of the story, but still), Adriana's wings are spectral in the normal world, but fully-formed and solid whenever she's in a New World space. This is going to be my explanation for why they appeared solid during those old grand finale renders I made ages ago, but fade out on her other sprites and renders.)
It’s probably quite a strange sensation, both to Adriana and to someone else if they stuck their hand through them; I quite like the idea of anything that goes into or through the wings feeling very numb, rather than necessarily hurting or anything. They feel more solid, and the sensation is more intense, as you move closer to the part of her back where they look like they emanate from. I like to think the wings are solid enough (to Adriana at least) that she tries to take them into account when moving around, but also intangible enough that nothing can really affect them, necessarily - so, like, you couldn't grab them and use them to pull her towards you or anything, and she would also be able to put her back against a wall without too much issue (it might just feel odd to her). They also don't interfere with her clothing, thankfully. Such are the conveniences of spectral energy.
So, with all that said.. I do think that Adri’s wings would need to be taken into account to at least some extent when cuddling with Luna. However, it is not as much of a big consideration as it could be, simply because the two of us are already used to considering things when we cuddle, like making sure we don’t scrunch up our skirts for example. Adriana can also curl her wings fairly freely after they become fully apparent, so that helps, and they aren't that big to begin with (smaller than the ones Anna sees Taka as having, certainly), so that also helps. For example, I like to think that she would be able to lift them both so that Luna is underneath them, if we were both on our sides ^-^
Sorry for going on such a tangent there, oops ;w; I hope that this is still alright as an answer for you, friend! Thank you so much again for sending this in, it really means a lot~
#I think it could alternatively be interesting if the wings were only present when adriana’s pokémon are present or something#like how some pokémon (marshadow/xerneas/etc.) have in-battle and out-of-battle formes that are cosmetically different#as that would be a decent explanation for why they aren't on her overworld sprites but are on her VS and trainer sprites =P#plus I think it would be fun to sort of.. see her out in town somewhere and not think she seems like too overpowered of a trainer#and then you make it through charous hall. and the champion's busy. so you get to face the shadow champion. don't worry it still counts#and all of a sudden as the battle begins she gains a presence you would expect from a powerful champion but had yet to sense from *her*-#and you suddenly spot these spectral *legendary* wings behind her. which.. were always there? surely? yet only *now* do you *see* them#that sort of vibe perhaps~ where it's not really clear whether or not they *are* there all the time or not#anyway sorry that was a tangent#heart of the void#selfshipping#love: dark dreamer (luna)#..vaguely#selfship: void‑kissed (luna/adriana)#and most prominently (because I *keep finding things to say about her apparently*)#self‑insert: soul‑touched (adriana)#of a city reborn (pokémon reborn)#out of the inbox#selfship asks#clara tag!#info posts#i tried to work on this about four separate times today#but because i had such bad signal it just kept deleting the progress i made#so.. now that i'm back home it can hopefully sort itself out
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gibbearish · 1 year
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speaking of terraria ive spent the last few days grinding my way through it for the first time in i think like over two years and i forgot. so much but also im doing SO much better than before
#i put it in expert mode too and ive only ever done normal previously so its. wild ive gotten as far as i have as fast as i have#im already in hardmode#AND IM ON CONSOLE DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THESE CONTROLS SUCK ASS ON CONSOLE#it was hard enough on pc but now it's just silly#on pc i was a yoyo main but thats basically impossible on console so now im sword as fuck#nights edge my beloved 💖#or for some bosses im ranged and just. pray i can sort of aim good lmao#some shining day ill get a good gun and chlorophyte bullets and then wont have to think about it at all#but as is theres abt a 0% chance of me beating the mechs so we're back to grinding for now#plus i got harpy wings literally like an hour into hardmode so uhhhhh pretty fuckin good!!#i have gotten. so much better at dodging the wyverns than i ever was before#i think before i just avoided them until i was powerful enough to immediately kill them but this time i was like.#give me your fucking souls of flight right now i need wings NOW#and the harpies were the easiest thing for me to grind#its a 1/200 chance to drop‚ i think mine took like 350 to drop but thats still not bad#i just slapped down a space platform with a blue candle and called it a day#the fully surrounding damage from nights edge is so fuckin crucial though dude ive gotten swords that are technically higher damage already#but they just Cannot Compete with me being able to just. Not Let Things Touch Me At All#also the harpy wings are . ridiculously good for how early you can get them provided youre willing to grind a little?#i think every other time ive just gone through the ranks of em the way youre supposed to w like#and angel/demon ones and working my way up? but i was just like. hold on harpies are here all the time i could just. zool#zoop*
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stellarstarryyy · 1 year
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Man it sure would be cool if rp accounts would stop spamming in fandom tags! It would be so fun if they didn't bury all new content under like 20 posts about their oc going through the horrors!! It really would be cool if tumblr let me block people who spam in fandom tags without breaking the tag itself!!!
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gor3sigil · 3 months
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Before starting T, when I socially transitionned, I was surrounded by radical feminists who saw masculinity as gross and inherently evil, something to avoid, something to make fun of, something to destroy. The other transmascs in my friend group, sometimes, told me that they didn’t knew if they really were non-binary or if they just were scared shitless of saying “I am a man”. Because they saw this as a betrayal to their younger self who had been SAd and abused.
I saw many of my masc friends and trans men around me hate themselves, not outing themselves as men because it would imply so so much, it was like opening the Pandora Box. Even when we were just together, talking about our masculinity was always coated with bits like “I know we’re the privileged ones but…”, “I don’t want to sound like I have it bad but…”, “Women obviously have it worse, but last time…” and we were talking about terrible traumas we experienced while taking all the precautions in the world in the case the walls were a crowd of people in disguise waiting to get us if we didn’t downplay the violence we faced, or like crying and being upset and being traumatized and afraid and scared and to say it out loud would make us throw up the needles we were forced to swallow every second of every day living in our skin.
Most of us weren’t on T yet, some of us were catcalled every day and harassed in the streets or in abusive relationships nobody seemed to care to help them get out of because they were “strong enough” to do it by themselves.
I was using the gender swap face app and cried for ours when I saw my father looking back at me through the screen. The idea of transforming, of shedding into a body that would deprive me of love, tenderness, and safety, was absolutely terrifying. I knew I couldn’t stay in this body any longer because it wasn’t mine, but I also knew that if I was going to look like my dad, my brother, my abusers, it would be so much worse.
5 years later and I’m almost 2 years on T, and almost 2 months post top surgery.
I ditched my previous group of friends. I was bullied out of my local trans community. But let me tell you how free I am.
I was scared that T would break my singing voice: it made it sound more alive than ever.
I was scared that T would make me less attractive: it made me find myself hot for the first time in my life.
I was scared that T would make me gain weight: it did. But the weight I put on is not the weight I used to put on by binging and eating my body until I forgot that it even existed. It’s the weight of my body belonging to me, little by little. The wolf hunger for life.
I won’t tell you the same story I see everywhere, the one that goes “I started going to the gym 8 times a week, I put on some muscles, I started a diet and now I look like an action film actor”, in fact if you took pictures of me from 5 years ago vs now I’d just have more acne, I’d have longer hair and still look like I don’t know what to do with myself when I take selfies.
But the sparkle in my eyes, my smile, tell the whole story way better than this long ass stream of words could ever.
I want to say some things that I wish someone told me before starting medically transitionning.
It’s okay to take your time. It’s your body, it’s your journey, if you don’t feel comfortable taking full doses and want to go slow, the only voice you need to listen to is your own. Do what feels right.
If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to ask for support.
Trans people are holy. Everyone is. You didn’t lose your angel wings when you came out because you want to be masculine. You are not excluded from the joy of existence, from being proud of yourself, from being sad, from being scared, from being angry. The emotions and feelings you allowed yourself to feel while processing what you experienced when you grew up as a girl and was seen as a woman are still as valid as before. Nobody can take that from you. If someone tries to, don’t let them.
It’s perfectly normal to grieve some things you were and had before you started to transition, like your high soprano voice or even your chest. Hatching is painful. You can find comfort in things that don’t feel right, so making the decision to change can be incredibly scary and weird and you deserve to be heard and supported through this. Wanting top surgery doesn’t make the surgery less intense, less terrifying, less painful to recover from. When it becomes too much you have the right to take a break and take some deep breaths before going on.
You don’t have to have a radical, 180° change for your transition to be acceptable or valid or worthy of praise. Look at how far you’ve come already. It doesn’t have to show, you’re not made to be a spectacle, you’re human and it is your journey.
Oh, and last thing, you know when some people say “Oh this trans person has to grow out of the cringy phase where you think that you can write essays about being trans or transitionning or just their experience because it’s weird” ? If you ever hear this or see this online, remember all the people whose writing you read and, even if they were not professional writers, helped you more than any theorists did ? If you want to write, do it. It won’t be a waste. It can help people. Or it won’t, and even then, if it helped you, that’s enough.
Love every of my trans siblings, take care of yourselves. You deserve the world.
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