#and never getting any relief
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y’all I finally got my official adhd diagnosis today and I’m still too excited about it to sleep
#maple rambles#medical misogyny is so fun#watching three males get diagnosis’ over the phone in under a week#and having to say the same thing to doctors and psychiatrists for years on end#being told it’s just anxiety or depression#and never getting any relief#grinding my face into the same blatant symptoms for ages#I’m so relieved#my diagnosing psychiatrist tried to tell me adults grow out of adhd in the same breath#it was wild#I verbally corrected him#literally if you type do people grow…#into google one of the first results is out of adhd#and literally every article that comes up says no#lmao#he also tried to tell me we didn’t talk about my childhood at my last appointment#I corrected him on that too#and after he found out who my new doctor was I could hear him deflate#she’s a woman who takes no shit#even with me#she’s given me stern shit before for generally forgetting things and not looking after myself#shit I deserved don’t worry lol#anyway#I’m still experiencing the dopamine high#can’t sleep#might work on my jinx figure for a bit
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I've never seen fanart of the 60's series "The World of Wooster" before (which makes plenty of sense considering almost the entire series is lost), so I thought I might as well remedy that for myself at least with this little linocut. They're clearly having a species of tiff or row but it won't last long!
#linocut#relief print#blockprinting#printmaking#the world of wooster#jeeves and wooster#dennis price#ian carmichael#carmichael also did an audiobook of 'jeeves in the offing' many years later and kept the bertie stammer 🙌#he was onto something with that one. the headcanon that keeps on giving#anyway i'm getting sadder and sadder over time that i'll never see any more of this series. is this how the classic whovians feel?
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Horrible new theory about Runaan's shirt today.
-no, not the new one, the one he lost-
He's still got his green assassin shirt here on the balcony, and vest too:
But by the time Gren is thrown into the dungeon a couple days later, it's missing.
Runaan's also sporting bags under his eyes because he'd been kept awake all night, enjoying Viren's frustrations about losing Harrow and also getting denied the crown of Katolis.
So. About that missing shirt.
I can't think of too many things worse for a guy who wears four shirts at once than to have them all taken off while he's badly hurt and manacled to the wall, and then be tickled half to death all night long, on his birthday.
#tdp theory#tdp angst#runaan#tw torture#tdp spoilers#i thought i was done getting horrible details about the dungeon torture but nooOOOoo#claudia looks guilty in the second pic too#she knows#imagining her chopping up a leaflynx and setting its ear fluff on a tray for her dad to use on his prisoner alongside other fun ingredients#okay gnight dad have fun torturing the elf. he deserves it!#and now she has to remember what she's done and she's not enjoying those memories#tbh i can see why she is drawn to aaravos#he tells her everything she's done was right and correct and she shouldn't feel guilty for any of it#WHEW what a relief huh terry it's all okay i've done nothing wrong ever in my life i'm golden#terry: babe i do love you but maybe let's try this one again#final thought: if runaan stays awake all night on his birthday it should be for sexier reasons than dungeon tickle torture okay#runaan was already broody but the man may never laugh again now
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I’m sure the misery wraiths are a creature of hell in the same way that demons are (a naturally occurring creature) but for some reason the idea that they are formally human souls who have been in hell for so long they’ve lost the shape of themselves, and thus becomes a part of the environment fascinates me. Like imagine you’ve been in hell for potentially centuries, tortured and suffering, driven mad by guilt (as I believe guilt is a necessary part for being in hell in the sandman/dbda universe canonically) unable to grow and change. I feel like that most people would eventually begin to warp and change into something unrecognizable. It may explain their lack of “purpose” too, as they don’t necessarily seem to have a function as far as I can tell, other than being a very inefficient guard dog perhaps. Anyway I think it would be an interesting metaphor for how people trapped in torture and abuse without an opportunity to grow and change become worse and more monstrous than they were previously
#the misery wraiths as a sort of dark negative of the love and support given and received by the main dbda gang#bad people who were never able to get the support they needed without any hope of relief#anyway this is fairly rambly but it is interesting to me#dead boy detectives#dbda#dbda meta#meta is a strong word here lol
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do you ever think about how Ohkubo extremely casually dropped the fact that Spirit & Kami were teen parents & then proceeded to never expound upon that fact or bring it up ever again despite it explaining a whole lot about them & Maka
#I think a big part of why I'm so attached to/interested in spirit as a character is because he objectively has A LOT going on in his life.#but because he was created to fill that stock pervy comedic-relief anime side-character archetype we never get to see any of it examined.#or even brought up at all for the most part#like spirit apparently comes from a long line of death weapons who despite having been loyal to lord death for generations are never ever#mentioned & who spirit himself never mentions despite carrying on the family tradition (although he's not unique in that regard tbh)#at 12-13 years old he becomes stein's weapon partner & in his own words it became “[spirit's] job to control [stein].”#another kid with a laundry list of mental health & behavioral issues that spirit probably wasn't super prepared to help “control”#(personally I think that this “job” of spirit's was a duty he took upon himself rather than something lord death necessarily told him to do)#then just ~5 years later he 1) loses/rejects said weapon partner & probably best friend after some really major boundaries were crossed#2) becomes a husband & father at just 18#(& in his own words a broke 18 year old at that. another point towards him not being in contact with any family if they're even alive)#3) becomes technically one of the most important people in the world once he ascends to being a death weapon.#not necessarily in that exact order but certainly in quick succession.#& then we fast forward to canon & spirit's at best a guy who drinks way more than he probably should & at worst a functioning alcoholic#who's only A MONTH into being divorced for his habitual infidelity & is in the really weird position of being the primary caretaker of his#daughter who (rightfully) hates him despite him having zero custodial rights over her.#& imo he seems to have no friends in death city before stein & the other death scythes return despite generally being a people person.#like. spirit is kind of the epitome of should've been at the club lmao#soul eater#spirit albarn#kami albarn#meta (kind of. not really lol)
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oh nuts. a life experience has given me a new layer of perspective on Cas's homosexual declaration of love to Dean.
recently I had occasion to tell a person I had feelings for them knowing full well they didn't feel even a twinge of the same thing for me. while the whole thing was a decidedly unpleasant experience, I kept laughing at myself internally bc I didn't want to say "the happiness is just in saying it" like fucking Castiel over here. (we don't need to talk about it, it's fine.) (I am happier having said it and it's kind of bullshit, but I digress.)
because the thing is, the happiness isn't in just saying it, right? the happiness is in the having. I made a whole TikTok "proving" that the Empty didn't come for Cas when he confessed his love, but rather when he realized Dean loved him back. even for Cas, the happiness was in the having, not in the saying, however brief it was.
and I've always been one of those people who rolled their eyes at the whole concept. why would the happiness be in just being, in just saying it, if it's right there in front of you to have. and then it hit me like a tonne of bricks (as I was washing my kitchen counters).
Cas really didn't think he could have Dean.
at all. in any capacity. he really, truly, and honestly felt to the depths of himself that Dean did not have any twinge of similar feelings, that this really was a Hail Mary shot-in-the-dark. and I think me, personally, really didn't understand that about Cas. that his belief in his love being unrequited was that unshakable.
something else I've been pondering is how audiences have so much more empathy for fictional characters who share traits that IRL they find objectionable and unappealing. but the thing is about fictional characters is that we follow them around in their most private, vulnerable moments. we see Dean mourning Cas when he dies, literally killing himself because he can't live without him, but it's so easy to forget that we're the omniscient ones here.
Cas never knew.
Dean's whole thing was pushing him away, keeping him at arm's length, making it seem like whatever heroic thing he does for Cas he'd do for anyone. he downplays how important it is for Dean to share the Deancave with him, to show him his favourite movies, share his favourite songs. he acts like the things Cas does for him don't mean that much to hide how much they do mean. he uses "we" whenever he even gets in the vicinity of expressing a feeling. "We were worried." "We're glad you're back." "We needed a win." "You're our brother." The audience knew the difference. We saw how he'd clench his jaw or swallow hard or make a face that said "God, I'm being such an idiot". Because we saw him in those little moments. We got to see the cracks in the mask.
but Cas never knew.
the self-hating angel of Thursday was never going to think it was all a way for Dean to protect himself. obviously, that's the delicious tragedy of it all, but what I think I realized at the end of all that is Cas confessing his love to a Dean who didn't love him back wouldn't have worked. Because the happiness really is in the having. If happiness was just in saying it, then The Empty would have come before Cas even finished getting the words out of his mouth.
so Cas's plan wouldn't have worked if Dean didn't love him back.
this is just me yapping on about my own nonsense, but I do think it's really interesting. there's contentment in "just saying it". there's freedom and relief and an unburdening. I think one can argue that it makes being happy in the being easier. there is certainly some joy in telling a person you think that highly of them. but true happiness?
nah.
true happiness is always going to only be in the having. Cas didn't understand the difference until he experienced it, and by then, it was too late.
#beautiful and poignant messages in the 2005 CW cult classic dark fantasy show supernatural that they did by accident#like they literally showed how wrong cas was to believe that happiness ISN'T in the having aaaand qed dean loved him back#spn meta#destiel meta#castiel meta#mine.txt#destiel#supernatural meta#spn#supernatural#meta#messy thoughts#lol sorry for the tmi but i needed the lead up okay#i'm fine i knew#i was very much cas in this situation no hope of any other outcome#only he was wrong lmao#I think the way Cas scrunches up his face after Dean's 'don't do this Cas' is almost like that bittersweet regret.#that 'oh. if only we had known this sooner. if only it wasn't too late now.'#AND IT'S A LOT YOU GUYS#i do wonder if cas wouldn't made a different plan with different information#personally i don't think he'd've gone out like that if he understood that dean loved him too#like he saw the love in his eyes. but part of me thinks it was relief that this didn't make dean hate him.#but sometimes it's just bad writing and we can't ascribe conscious thought to an out of character decision lol#but i think after everything cas would've fought for the thing he never thought he could have#which is why in my fix it fic wip that i'll finish someday cas is like okay well. gotta get outta here now and kiss my mute coconut lol#i love them so much
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You alive?
Hardly-
Right now I'm knee deep in projects that I'm trying desperately to catch up on :')
3 are private/personal projects that are on a time limit so I'm doing my best to blast through them so I can work on the project that I really want to work on which is Moon Malfunction-
But then another comic project just got added and I usually brush these ones off as I have been doing recently but this one is important and I really wanna do it but I'm so caught up with everything else that I have no energy to work on it and to make things worse its been EXTREMELY hot where I live and I cant handle any level of heat so I'm melting on the couch trying to get these projects done but I have no energy with this heat and I ju
#my response#I realize I've never actually properly addressed those projects with you guys#mostly because they're personal and I thought they would be done by now#anyways I'm mentioning it now-#I have 3 big projects that are taking all my time and energy#any posts that I have made recently have been quick stress relief drawings to get me back on the horse-#I'M FINE BTW!#Dont worry this is stressful but they are wonderful projects and well worth my time and effort#As soon as they are done and this SUDDEN COMIC PROJECT is done my FNAF au will be back in focus :) 👍
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One last store update! After this I will begin sending emails to a subscriber list.
You can input your email of choice for my shop newsletter into this google form here.
A quick summary of some things:
I was unable to finish orders by printing their shipping labels by today, despite what I said last week, because of health issues that had to be addressed instead.
More of my product order was messed up, had enough items to fulfill every order but I’ve been left with ZERO extra stock on a couple items to put into my shop after.
I got enough interest in the Halloween keychains and stickers so I will be making them.
Full explanations below ^^
I have now packed every single order and reviewed all of their contents. However I was unable to send them out today as at some point last week I became very unwell. I’ve been going downhill for a while but it has never gotten to this degree this fast before. I still don’t really know what caused it and so I had been unable to pack over the weekend and couldn’t get all the shipping labels printed for them today.
I will be printing these labels out and taking chunks of the orders to the post office over the next few days.
But the more I’d packed the more I’d realized more of my product order had been messed up. I had ordered extras of everything and yet some of the products that I ordered just BARELY fulfilled every order — I had to use some of the initial samples to fulfill every order but rest assured they are the exact same as the products in size and quality. I have exactly ZERO of some products left over for shop stock when I’d ordered 10-15 extra of every item (as well as TOO MANY of some less popular products that didn’t need all these extras) which sadly means a few items will not be in stock when I open the store back up. I may put discounts on the unwanted extras I received because of this.
While I would expect by default to receive the products in the quantity that I ordered, I also understand that I ordered hundreds of products all in one order, and that is only one order that is being fulfilled out of the many other orders they get daily. I myself did not count out every single product to check because of the sheer amount of everything that was ordered — I had ordered over 500 keychains alone to fulfill the preorders and the entire order has taken up a full room when all spread out. But I still did not count beforehand and would only find out once I’d run out of a certain product, so I accept this is partly my responsibility too. This should not happen again as I never expect to make an order this big again, I had only done this for shop startup, and I will be making another order to restock these products. But it’s still sad it happened.
I apologize for this and I appreciate all of your patience once again. I am explaining all of this as I believe you are owed information about what is going on seeing as you’ve put money into this, and I myself said they would all be sent out by Monday. I just want to be transparent ^^
And one last thing — many of you wanted Halloween merchandise, so I will be moving forward with that! (I’ve decided they will not be glow in the dark though, as I’d have to make every vibrant color instead transparent for the glow to come through, and I believe the designs would suffer too much without these colors)
I have ordered from this manufacturer multiple times before over the years and they’ve always gotten it right with more reasonably-sized orders, so I am confident these will not have the same problems as this preorders period has.
Thank you again very much for your support and understanding up to this point!! <3
#I don’t know how long I’m still going to feel like this#basically it’s heart issues#at first I had thought I’d reacted really bad to caffeine in headache medication that I’d taken#because I cannot have caffeine#but it had never done that to me before and it’s been lasting for longer than caffeine would even be in my system#and maybe it still was the caffeine I don’t know#but for now#I do not know how long things will be like this#I can’t carry anything heavy or walk or stand for long periods of time right now#so I will have to take the orders in chunks over the course of about three days with some help probably#I promise I’m not pushing myself though I take breaks the moment I feel like I should#I’ve been getting help and this is a health issue I’ve already been trying to address and my job thankfully gave me some relief#so I’ve just been resting for a few days and thankfully have a head start on managing this#I do apologize if any of this has been disjointed or disconnected concentrating does not come easy right now#thank you all for your patience thus far it means so much to me
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even the dogs!
#lifesteal#lifesteal smp#vitalasy#planetlord#princezam#itzsubz_#animation#animation done for stress relief purposes. somewhat successful. probably never getting more finished than this but if it does i'll just#post it again or something#i love animation so much it feels the most like a direct expression of emotion on my part out of any art form... and i'm finding that i#need to not plan animation out in advance as much as possible which is kind of true with all art and even writing because the fun part#is getting to realize the idea and as soon as the idea is recorded sufficiently i'm like Okay i'm done now#anyway i like season 4 vitalasy very much. the way his mind works puzzles and vexes me it's awesome
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Heyyyyyyy it's way late and I shouldn't be trusted to say shit buttttt
Ena means so much to me if she existed when I was a kid I would not be half as fucked up as I am today she is just like me frfr
#mod ichika#proseka headcanons#you could replace ena with any other pjsk character tbh but rn im like. really resonating with ena as a girl who had depressive episodes and#it never manifested in palatable ways for people i was aggressive and shit and i felt like an asshole because i didnt know why i was so#oh shit i accidentally deleted half of my tags idk what i said but#i wouldve ugly cried from relief knowing that a character experiencing the same thing as me is still seen as cute and deserving of love and#friendship and that things got better for her and that theyd get better for me too
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!
#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING#IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN#HA#MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF#and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders#that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self#ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief#a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?'#tone “No!” of disbelief#and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it.#that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me#and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.”#was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf#anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally#now i see what the past several months but especially especially#the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January#were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong#...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not#a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side#and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like#i rationally say I trust them to have and do.#and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha#they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y#anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet#trauma evolution#shh katie#personal#my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic.#add to journal#abuse
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#dark netflix#eva's world#erit lux#apocalypse family#1888 gang#shitpost#memes#i posted this#even though eva's world is the one that received more attention there's still a bunch of things that they didn't show#i will never get over of Egon as a traveler#they show it one time and pretended that i didn't wanted to know everything about it#also all the characters that we never saw in their eva's world version#i'm gonna suposse that they all have bangs#s3 barely showed any interaction between the four and somehow I can't stop thinking about them#claudia was the leader and the only adult they have in their lives#jonas was everyone's favorite sad boy#the two of them learned sign language#elisabeth was the little one and she was adored by all of them#noah and his 1920s boy attitude was somehow the comedic relief of the group#they were like a sad sitcom and i'm sure they felt less sad because of elisabeth#claudia and elisabeth were the smart ones of the group#noah and jonas were smart too but they also were noah and jonas#they were like a family#i have no proof but no doubt either#poor agnes was born in the 1888 timeline and also had so little screen time#maybe baran and jantje realized that 1888 was the time period when magnus x franziska did something apart from loving each other#and inmediatley discarded the possibility of showing it because they went like “nope doing something onscreen defies their whole purpose”#i will always sound crazy talking about how beautiful Bartosz and Silja's love story is when they only have four scenes#this show had a weird 50something having to take care of a group of teenagers in the 19th & 20th century and decided not to elaborate on it#this show is so iconic
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things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs
like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something
#her pain doesn’t seem to be too bad now that she’s got pain relief so idk what’s stopping her from sleeping#she won’t even lie down unless i’m sitting next to her. she just sits there staring out the window#her pupils are also taking up her entire eyes and have been all day#that’ll be a side effect of the medication and maybe the lack of sleep? but it won’t be making her feel any better#she can probably barely see at this point#like imagine you’ve been awake for 2 days after surgery and you’re in a lot of pain and haven’t eaten since before surgery#and are also on strong painkillers. and you also have no idea what’s wrong with you or why everyone’s doing things that hurt you#bruh your brain would be COOKED. there’s no way she has any idea what’s going on rn but she’s clearly feeling terrible#personal#like i think she’ll be ok in the long-term but she’s gotta somehow get through all these immediate issues#last time something like this happened she stopped drinking and never started again#not eating or sleeping don’t have workarounds as simple as putting water in her food#it really doesn’t help that there’s so much other shit going on rn#i’m doing a whole bunch of stuff with my phone and computer that’s taking a lot of work#but also my sister’s going on a long overseas trip that she’s leaving for tomorrow#so the combo of dad and sister coming and going constantly and also like 6 random deliveries for tech stuff in the last 2 days—#has the dogs really wound up. so georgie’s been howling at absolutely everything#and it’s rainy so my clothes aren’t trying and they’re hanging on a rack hooked on the hallway door so the door can’t close#which puts one less door between my room and the dogs so they’re waking me up every time anything happens#and i sleep during the day so that’s ALL THE TIME. i’ve had like 8 hrs of sleep between the last two afternoons#my sister always has so much random life stuff she wants to talk about and was getting really annoyed that i wasn’t very receptive#like ‘im about to go away for 3 months’ sorry i know its a big thing but i can’t just reschedule peach’s medical emergency
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#today my grandparents were over#and my grandma mentioned that my cousin's best friend and his long-time boyfriend are getting married tomorrow#and my grandpa started talking about it with my mom#and what he said was 'you know i don't have any problem with that.#i've never met a person like that who wasn't perfectly nice. they're great people.'#and my mom said something like 'yeah and that's just the way of the world now'#and grandpa said 'well actually that's always been the way it's just now they're able to be open about it'#in such a pleasant proud way#like he was just genuinely happy that queer people are able to be open and be themselves#and i nearly broke down crying#because i've always been too afraid to ask#but it is a relief to know he wouldn't hate me if i ever got up the nerve to tell him i'm bi#anyway#personal#also#in case it matters#this man is 91 years old#and i'm very happy to know this is the way he thinks
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musing in the tags about the view two years out from my hysterectomy and the shifting nature of neuropathy. i asked my PT for recommendations/resources pertaining to pain science and that's been a very helpful lenses to have. i'm still not back to normal, will never be unmarked by this experience or return to my pre-op self, but my baseline has been gradually increasing over the last few months, and it feels good to look back on the last two years and say "i have no idea how i managed to function while living with that, but i did!"
#meatsuit renno#chronic blogging#ctxt#at first post-hysto pain was a deep burning ache#and eventually that lessened on my left side and settled in for the long haul on the right#after a couple weeks it had started to feel like a small carnivorous creature scrabbling and gnawing at the inside of my abdomen#nestled into the hollow of my pelvis and reaching up with its raking claws#about 6 months in and the creature still chewed occasionally but had shrunk to the size of a tennis ball under my right incision site#it clamped its jaws down and went to sleep and i perpetually felt like someone had pinched a fold of my insides with a large binder clip#this constant awful twisting tug every time i moved that kept me from straightening up or breathing fully#this is about a year into recovery and my original surgeon has blown off my requests for follow-up treatment three times now#i carried on as best i could. fatigue and brainfog getting worse & worse as the pain wore on unrelentingly#about a year and a half into recovery it worsened again. searing lancing pain like i'd been impaled on a piece of white hot rebar#couldn't hardly move. couldn't think straight. couldn't sleep#finally checked myself into urgent care & then the ER just to try to get someone anyone to take me seriously and help me#finally got a referral to a new surgeon who immediately pinned it as extreme neuropathy#started gabapentin end of december last year and the relief was immediately#i never thought i would welcome the gritted teeth vice grip of my little feral pain creature#but when i felt the molten spike slide out to be replaced once more by its worrying jaws#the intermittent spark and fizzle of that pinching squirming pain was a dramatic improvement#then i started PT in march and slowly so slowly the creature's hungry grip is loosening#it still clamps down occasionally. maybe once every week or two i'll have a day when i just accept#that there will be a horrible little creature chewing on my right side from the inside#but nowadays with the gabapentin doing as much as it can and an exercise routine i must stick to religiously to supplement PT#the pain is more of a little pearl of dark matter shifting around under my skin#it's incredibly dense. the heart of a black hole of disabling agony. all that white hot fury condensed into a slick heavy marble#as i recover some of my strength and energy i can feel my body coating it in nacreous layers to minimize its influence#my hysterectomy was 2 years and 4 days ago today and i feel like i can finally finally say i'm beginning to truly heal#i suspect i'll always carry this pearl in my side like shrapnel. product of damaged nerve tissue that went untreated for far too long#i wish my original surgeon had been more competent more attentive less lazy & indifferent to my pain. but i still don't have any regrets.
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