#and my writing confidence and joy came back after years of just... not having motivation

[amywritesthings]

I have to start planning my 2022 Favorite Fanfics list.

[lets-try-some-writing]

I've been meaning to write up something like this for a while, but I didn't have the confidence to do so for fear of sounding selfish and or ungrateful. So before I begin, let me say this now. I appreciate every single one of you lovely people who have taken the time to read, like, reblog, or comment on my work. It has been a joy to see my efforts appreciated and I adore the fact that my work has given others such inspiration and entertainment.

Now with that said, I will be taking a step back from Tumblr for the time being.

I will still pop by and reblog things and perhaps write things over the weekends if I feel like it, but beyond that I intend to try and hang back for a while. I will post things that I've been working on and keep updating my favorite AUs as I feel the motivation, but I won't be involving myself with requests as much. The reason why I am doing this is partially because my life is about to get rather hectic, but also because I've found myself feeling underappreciated here. I love to write, but writing has become both a coping mechanism and my work all at once. I want to make something that will inspire and let me know that it has inspired. I spend all day studying and writing helps me calm down after a long day. It's a comfort, one that I felt like sharing the bounty of.

But after being here for almost... two years now? I suppose I am just a tad upset. I put an extraordinary amount of effort and time into my work, and I hate to see the things I put so much passion and love into get glanced over and ignored. Writing has consumed me in a way, and as much as I love it, unless I am going to earn something from my efforts here, I am finding it hard to keep going. The things I really want to write more for are not seen, and my notes show that things I found very little joy writing are the things that get the most interaction. This isn't to say that I am not grateful for those of you that have looked over what I make, but I feel as though I am screaming into the void most days I post here. My work dies in its cradle because Tumblr itself doesn't seem to promote reblogging fanfiction.

I get more interaction with one chapter over on Ao3 than I do over here for over twenty posts. I find more fulfillment with one well meaning comment there because at least I know that my work will be saved and it will be found by others one day. Here though? Things vanish into the ether as quickly as they came into being. So yeah, this is my little vent post. I am going to take a little break and step back as much as I feel the need to. The desire to please isn't healthy for me.

Thank you for reading this, please stay safe and hydrated. My inspiration be with you in your craft.

[tanmitasu]

お久しぶりです。。。

Well I am supposed to be updating this blog, first of all, let me get out of the New Year greetings with this: 明けましておめでとうございます！

I apologize if I did not update it as much as I could, I wanted to talk about realization and truth of learning. First of all, I am a slacker in my own thoughts, I have desired to try physical classes since I feel that I am stuck doing so much self-learning 🥺, so I was toying with which classes would suit me (I actually took an actual class many years back before I enter university and this said teacher killed my motivation), so I decided to bite the bullet here and try this school because I was hoping to go for their weekday day classes (The cool thing is that the building feels like a James Bond film), so before Christmas weekend- I decide to go for a placement test to see where am I.

Sooo I, being overly confident be like yeah all my Japanese customers and associates said I can speak Japanese well (Do not be deceived by the comment 上手です) and I got this, which I got humbled pretty quick. Like really, which I have to nurse my ego that I am yes, I am willing and the tester be like uhm girl- you need to go basic which I am like yeah, and we decide to try you on that trial class before Christmas, and man it was a humbling experience because the changes are sudden and here am I, wanting to make friends and perhaps partnered with the worse person to bounce off in your speech (Well I do not have friends, so, unfortunately, I was partnered with that lady who could barely speak English with me), and I was nearly in tears, with me being unable to cope with the pacing that I was doubting myself if I could do, because some are so good and I, who self-taught myself for 3 years plus- become awkward and actually struggle.

So yes I was humbled again-big time, so I found myself alone and if not a little upset about my progress- then I decided to chat with an online friend, and she shared about how lonely her experience in learning Japanese and understood the struggle, and that moment I recall a panel in Haikyuu which Akaashi got over his head during one volleyball match and saying how jealous they are seeing the game- which I could relate- I feel like an anxious mess. However I decide to look at Kita's backstory and this came to me, which I am like Kita holding his captain jersey in my head going "Does this count on the result side of things?" , like I began to question myself- and this made me realize that I am so focused on the results that I forget to work on the present.

So cue me last Saturday, entering my first class- this time chatting with a friend to share my anxiety and I told myself about that experience which an epiphany came to me, that I held myself with high standards that it sucked the joy of me actually learning, which I can say that my 先生 be like are you alright, as she caught me packing my bag slowly after class, and I was like I struggle with particles in the Japanese language, that she took the time to write down the particles which I show her the document which I work. And what she said to me, is to slow down which I did not realize that I was simply hurrying because of my anxiety to be the best, which I could be myself (This is something which I am trying to undo but it is too ingrained in my brain), to just have fun. I am so concerned about the process that I forget to be in the present, just like Kita himself, to enjoy what I am doing. (She sorta reminds me of Takeda-sensei, the head teacher for the Karasuno team, and I am like Hinata per say).

But yeah, I am still a work in progress, letting go of the people-pleasing aspect and just being myself- I even got a better partner to bounce off of my conversation, though he is struggling as much as I am (minus the awkwardness).

Here is to new things to come and hopefully, I can be truly myself

[archangelmacaron]

I woke up painfully early again, so I guess my New Year's musings can go here.

It's really strange to think about how, not even a year ago, I wasn't writing or drawing at all. I hadn't seriously sat at a keyboard for years, and hadn't picked up a pencil for even longer than that. I always loved writing, but I just didn't feel like I had much to say. I've always felt confident in my ability to write fanfiction believably, but original stories seemed so far beyond me. I tried to write something once dealing with my grief of losing someone important to me, but even then, the problem was I was too focused on what other people would think of it--and this was before the word 'problematic' was thrown all over the internet. 'Is this character too mean? is this one too much of a 'mary sue'? She's sixteen and he's an ancient fae, is that too much of an age gap!?' (Even back then, it was a human-inhuman relationship, although the characters were all human-looking--something I'm a little bored by now, if I'm honest!) I really didn't get very far in this... and I'm almost positive I unthinkingly deleted all copies. My biggest mistake was I felt I needed to write in order--so of course I'd get stuck! I think it was Calvin Wong who said, drastically paraphrasing, 'painters don't start by always painting the top left corner blue, why is writing different?' I cannot explain what a breakthrough it was to understand that I didn't have to write scene A, then B, then C, etc--I could write scene D or even M or Z, whatever came to me at that moment, and go back and loop them together--or discard them if they no longer fit. There really are no rules.

My other major breakthrough was realizing I didn't want to write about human relationships. I actually can pinpoint when that occurred, after playing a few seasons of Noel TMF, I started to feel hungry for something, some specific story with specific dynamics, but I couldn't say what. After being unable to find something that hit that spot, I realized it was up to me to create it myself. I sat down one day and started to write for myself only. I never intended to share it with anyone, and that was very freeing--especially as literally all of my artistic work for years was made to be shared, it didn't have meaning otherwise. It's not really an art form I would do 'just for me.' Noel wasn't the only inspiration here. A few years ago, The Ancient Magus' Bride came out, and I cannot overstate the impact that had on me. Chise and I went through almost the exact same thing which just blew my mind. I cannot describe how cathartic it was to read the words 'I don't forgive you' about such a situation. Watching her learn and grow and become happy meant so much to me, and while back then, I would never have considered myself capable of writing such a story myself, now I know it's what I want to do. I want to help someone else, the way that helped me understand recovery is possible no matter what you've been through, no matter how cursed you feel. Sometimes, I do still feel cursed, it's like people drag that curse back to me, like I can't escape it--which was why I was struggling so hard this month. I had to understand that the familial relationships I craved my entire life were not the familial relationships I was ever going to have, and let that dream go.

And so, I set out to write my own stories of healing and understanding and mystery and just a touch of horror. And I haven't been able to stop since. I'm not sure if, by excitedly looking forward to writing every day, to write something that 'hit the spot' I was seeking, that I trained myself into needing to write every day--I know that's how it worked for drawing, a habit is much more important than motivation! I think the final reason I write so much is, well, you! The support and enthusiasm from this handful of people who read my stories, starting with fanfic, and then actually caring about my original content, has blown my mind. The burst of joy I get from reading a comment--any comment--is one of the best feelings of my life. Even a 'like' on a post excites and inspires me to keep sharing, and even thinking that I'd like to reach more people for whom my stories 'hit the spot.' This is long, so maybe my art musings can be done another day. Or maybe I can go back to work on writing, after all, I really love it now! Thank you again for all your support. That matters, far more than you might think. I hope I keep creating things that make you smile!

[urwendii]

Oh I'm adding to this because I went through this a few months back.

After knowing rather good engagement on my first fics, I was hit by a sudden drop for the Sequel and all others recent works.

And i kept comparing myself to the other works in the fandom and mostly some fics i really liked who still showed strong engagement by the fandom, while my kudos had plateaued and i was getting comments by 2 or 3 people max. If any.

It hurt a lot and it brought a lot of jealously and envy bc damn it I was there too and it seemed the fandom were now only focusing on these 5 or 6 authors.

I took down my fic in the end, then another and another and in the end, it killed all joy to write about that specific ship. All in all, it poisoned a lot of my happiness in the fandom in general.

It's a complicated situation when you are part of a fandom that is proficient in writing fanfics, and is also subjected to the short attention span of some casual watchers. Aka my first fics were written a couple months after the show and therefore enjoyed more exposure (even if I never managed to hit the popular threshold I was nonetheless extremely happy with the response.) So it becomes hard when half of the readers move on, I was struggling with writing in general and then posted a couple of chapters that got no immediate attention.

It's heartbreaking and as I said I was in direct view of the fact it was not the case for others. Fandoms are like that. It's a brutal reminder that it's all about finding a community you can exchange motivation with, uplifting you.

Sadly for me in that particular fandom I never got that. (I will now confess that A lot of this is also self perception and RSD. I did interact with a few persons, but I never was part of the big communities that flourished and therefore remained apart.)

Looking back, I should have done things differently, I should not have looked up that much to others that are more successful/popular because it's the only road to self disappointment where you forget about your own accomplishment.

Write for yourself they say. OK so I do that now. I am completely rewriting the fic I deleted and will not post it until I am sure I am ready to deal with whatever the answer is going to be.

Comparing yourself with others is natural there's no shame in that. But it should not come at the cost of your self love and confidence. And definitely not let it poison your interest for the topic you used to write.

It came to the point (and I have never said it to anyone before) where I was getting panic attacks just thinking of opening ao3, seeing others chapters getting more kudos, seeing people who used to interact on my fics commenting on others but not mine. I cried more than once. I hated half the fandom. I hit rock bottom.

It's a hard battle. And I think some of us are less equipped to deal with that than others.

That was barely two months ago.

Now I have found my little corner, with a small rarepair and a small handful of people who enjoy it as well. One day I might come back to the big ocean but for now I'm happy to be back swimming in a pond.

My only advice to this is such: if you're feeling wronged or you think it's unfair your fic is not getting recognition. It's NORMAL. you created something and you are in the rights to expect a response.

BUT. If it becomes something that impact your creativity or life in general then it is time to take a step back. Allow yourself this. Its self care. Don't do like me and try and try until it all falls apart and you end up having to move on from something that brought you a lot of joy last year because the mere thought of facing self perceived failure/embarrassment gives you anxiety.

Take a step back. Allow yourself one day to be angry/sad/ashamed. It's healthy. But the next day? You take a deep breath, go outside a bit, hug a tree then refocus on the joy of creating for yourself. It's not easy. It's darn hard. I know. But it's worth doing this.

One last thing, i am fairly competitive so online creations are already a double edged sword for me. And along the way I think I got used to having attention and took for granted the ones I always had by my side.

And to echo OP, now I have relearn this and I am so grateful for my best friend who is always supporting and reading me (despite not even being in the fandom. Seriously Aryn, real MVP ❤️) and I have a couple of other friends with who I love sharing silly niche headcanons.

Having a rarepair reset your need for online clout.

Now I'm happier. Far happier. Actually, I felt blown away that 5 whole people left kudos on a fic that was the 1st of its ao3 tag.

I don't really have a miracle solution. I think in the end, when things get bad for you (aka negative emotions toward your published writing) the only answer is this one:

Sadly you can't force people to care and pay attention to you. Life is unfair. Your work is as good as the ones getting popularity. Find a handful of people who will support you (perhaps offline even - not necessarily irl but friends outside your fandom?), relearn to find joy in little things and don't underestimate the benefit of going offline for a while.

any advice about how to deal with posting a fic and getting radio silence? I know ppl aren’t owed engagement ofc, but I feel embarrassed at having spent so long on something no one cares about, and although I liked thinking about the characters and fandom before (and was considering writing more about them), now I can’t think about it without feeling that overpowering embarrassment 😭 part of me wants to delete the fic, but that would mean having to open ao3 and look at it again LMAO

sorry for the venting, I know this is probably a me problem, but has anyone else felt this, and if so, is there any way to make this pervasive shame go away??

*hugs* This is a very painful thing to experience and there isn't really any way to make it just go away, unfortunately. However, you can reflect on it a bit, when you're ready to.

Writing and posting are separate activities. If you've enjoyed writing the story but you haven't enjoyed posting it to the Archive, you can always continue writing just for yourself. This may or may not be something you'd enjoy - you know better than I do whether some of your enjoyment came from the anticipation of a reaction to your work.

Try to analyze where your embarrassment is coming from. Is it worrying that your story was poorly written? A lack of a reaction doesn't mean that the story is bad. Being unpopular doesn't mean it's bad, either. If your story is good to you, then it's a good story.

Is your embarrassment from feeling like you were "caught trying." Is it a cringe at the idea that you put effort into something that someone else doesn't (appear to) find valuable?

Is it actually embarrassment at all? Are you feeling a different kind of hurt instead? Did you hope that someone in particular would read your story and now you feel ignored? Did you hope to be embraced by your community and now you feel shunned?

These are difficult questions that I'm asking and you might not want to think about them right now. That's okay. You don't need to if you don't want to. You can definitely delete the fic and pretend it never happened. Or you can log out of that AO3 account and create a new one and never look back. Maybe you just need to take a week or a month off for a hiatus of sorts and when the ache isn't as bad, you'll be able to face it all again.

When I felt this way, it was because I felt like I'd put something into my community and that I'd been ignored. But since that time, I've found one person who gives me all of the community support I used to get from an entire fandom, and now when I post something on AO3 I don't actually need a response anymore. I get all of the fun and excitement and validation etc from my conversations and RP threads with my best friend.

Once you've got a little distance from the pain of this moment, try to figure out what it is that you were hoping to get and then figure out how you can get it. Maybe it's through posting fic to AO3, but maybe it's not.

Let's see what others can suggest. This is not something you're experiencing alone, anon. So very many of your fellow fan writers have experienced this too ❤️

[ivesambrose]

*·˚༊ Mini Messages for May 2022 ༊˚·*

1. 2. 3.

Take a deep breath and pick a gif 💚

To book a personal reading with me DM or email me at jovescorpioreadings@gmail.com with your name and query 🌙

If you enjoyed this reading or any of my pick a cards and would like to support me you can drop a tip here

Gif 1

There's a space of your own that you envision for yourself that is so sacred. It's yours, just yours. Even if you may or may not have it at the moment of reading this you know it'll be yours. This month makes you realize that you already have the skills you require to manifest and achieve what you had set your heart on for quite some time now.

I see your expertise in something helping others out too. You problem solving / giving advice or a possible solution to others. People trusting you a lot in general. "he/she/they is legit. I'll trust their insight over anything."

There's a focus on downtime, retreating and recharging as well. I see some of you going back to reading for leisure or taking up something to learn as a hobby but getting really into it. I see less screen time, less scrolling on social media and more gathering knowledge.

Focus on meditation, slower workouts (pilates or yoga) and just being detached in general. I almost want to type that you have absolutely no fucks to give anymore and in the best way possible. You have realized something crucial so you feel lack of stress and even there is something to be stressed about given the retrogrades or something else you're just simply choosing not to give it energy anymore.

Lot, I mean a LOT of intuitive messages in dreams and a romantic prospect attempting to connect with you.

The less you chase the easier things are. I love this for you.

Placements : Virgo & gemini (moon or rising), Earth placements specifically.

Gif 2

An opportunity is offered out of the blue. Someone's advice or a friend's / loved one's well wishes indeed came true. You weren't expecting it but now you're so ecstatic that you suddenly got this particular thing. You almost feel like a kid who got an A+ in a test and your favorite teacher looked at you proudly while handing it back.

This month you'll realize where your potential lies in your life, career as well as love. A very, "I will only live once what the fuck am I doing?" attitude kind of takes over. Try not to be too reckless however because you will end up feeling overwhelmed.

A lot of you are on a spree of visualizing and imagining a thousand different possibilities and opportunities. Maybe some of you are newly single too but you seem excited if anything.

A lot of writing down ideas, plans, stories, scripts, scribbles, doodles, recipes even etc

Maybe starting over isn't that bad after all.

Placements: libra, aries, water signs, air placements.

Gif 3

Faking your confidence till you make it. I see that you're very nervous with something your nerves are getting the best of you. You might feel stuck at doing something technical when you would rather be doing something else? You want to dream a little bit, you maybe even want to star in a movie, collect your cash and leave.

I see you wanna go. I keep getting the vision of a foot on an accelerator. This city doesn't feel like home to you does it? You feel a bit alone in your journey with only a very close few who get you.

I see you collecting stuff for later this year, I'm not sure what and likely this will be something specfic to you.

Some of you saving up for a concert where you meet your new friends? This one was specfic too.

I sincerely sense a lot of you want to feel excited for things again especially after the last 2 years. You want to celebrate occasions and meet new people. Something about autumn and Halloween is also coming up. I feel this month will just be about finding bits of yourself that you lost touch with, finding the drive, motivation and joy in things. I also heard, "I know I'll get out of here. I know where I wanna go."

This month, know that if you can envision yourself somewhere then you're gonna be there no matter what. Persist in that vision.

Placements : Fire signs, leo (moon and rising), cancer moon specfically.

[velvethopewrites]

want to know more about 'Chef’s Kiss' please :)

LOL My little H/G cooking competition fic that could. (Or in this case, “should of” because it remains unfinished and dying on the vine). (This answer is also for @foreverginevra since she also asked about it. 🥰)

My desire was to write another AU with Harry and Ginny, because Moving the Goalposts was such a fun time, and since I love all things cooking show! I thought it’d be fun to make them be two competing chef’s - Harry, with famous parents and so much to prove - to himself and the world, and Ginny, the come out of nowhere-learned it all from her mentor- not-even-a-real-chef-feisty woman who catches his eye.

It was all roses and hearts and smooth writing until I actually had to describe them cooking food. And British food, to boot. Alas. I do still want to finish it one day. The first part spilled out of me and then…it didn’t. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Here’s a snippet:

“So, you’ll cruise through the sauces and soups, and will definitely ace the main dishes.” Sirius paused and stared at Harry’s paperwork. “The only thing I’m worried about is the dessert final. Baking has never been your strong suit, Harry.”

Tonks snorted next to Sirius as she drove through the busier-than-usual traffic of Godric’s Hollow. “Don’t know why. He excels at eating it.”

“Hilarious, Tonks,” Harry said from the backseat, his eyes staring out the window but not seeing anything. He wasn’t really paying attention to Sirius. They all knew he was ready, and they all knew he’d place in the top five before the end of the day. Harry wasn’t confident about much, but he knew he could cook and cook well. And he could bake fairly decently too, no matter what his godfather implied. Remus smiled next to him and touched his arm.

“All right, Harry?”

“Yeah, just…thinking about Dad and Mum.”

“That’s natural, I suppose,” Remus said quietly. “This is the competition where they met, after all.”

Harry nodded. He didn’t need reminding of that either, but it was nice to think about. His parents had met each other at this very competition, some 31 years ago. The competition had just been making a name for itself, and James Potter had entered it on an utter whim – motivated by his best friend (Harry’s godfather) to go and try to ‘show up all the stodgy old chef’s knocking about’. James had failed miserably of course, having only been an amateur cook, but he’d met Lily Evans, one of the other contestant’s sous chef and the rest, as they say, was culinary history. At least, for them. His parents had fallen hard for each other and had their first kiss over a chocolate soufflé that James had, invariably ruined by laughing too loud. Or at least, that had been Sirius’s spin on the tale until Harry was old enough to realize the whole thing was bullocks (about the soufflé falling at James’s boisterous laughter, not his parents falling in love).

Fast forward some 28 years later, and Harry was about to enter the very same competition.  He was also pretty sure he’d win it as well, bringing pride back to the Potter family name. Because cooking, unlike most things for Harry, came naturally. It was the one thing that when he was doing it, he didn’t feel like he should be doing anything else. It was that simple. From the time he could hold a spatula and help Sirius with the morning eggs, he’d adored it. He loved creating new dishes, and trying odd and strange combinations that no one in their right mind would think about putting together. Serving people food he’d made especially for them was one of Harry’s favorite things – to see the look of joy and happiness on their face as they saw their favorite dish – it was everything.

It was one of Harry’s greatest heartbreaks that he had never been able to serve something he’d made to his parents.

[angelamajiki]

Hoi, can you please write a yandere Tamaki x reader (smut) fic? I'm not sure how descriptive you want me to get, but I do have a childhood friends sort of idea. Like they're friends as kids and after he moved he's been obsessed with seeing the reader again.

PARINGS: Tamaki Amajiki x Quirkless! Gender Neutral! Reader

CW: yandere, noncon, kidnapping, incel tamaki, dom tamaki, degradation, gender neutral reader, choking, tentacles, cutting, bone breaking, facefucking, inappropriate use of quirks, painplay, tamaki is a Mean Boy

AN: here she is, mean dom tamaki!! this has been requested for a while, so enjoy :) <3

Tamaki never stopped thinking about you since he was forced to leave you all those years ago in middle school. He didn't want to, but quirkless students such as yourself almost never entered U.A., even in general studies. Having known you since he was a small child, the boy was heartbroken when the two of you separated ways, vowing to become an incredible hero for you.

All his training was motivated by you, becoming strong for you, becoming enough for you. Everything he did was for you. Not that you knew that, he hardly spoke to you after his entrance exam. Tamaki wanted to make sure he was guaranteed to be worthy of your love and affection, so he did what he does best and hid in the shadows

But that was just the thing, Tamaki never forgot about you, not even for a second. The more he grew into his feelings, the harder it was for him to even look at your contact name without sporting a hard-on. Your Instagram hardly did you justice, but God, weren't you blossoming into a beautiful young woman.

Time flew by to his graduation from the hero course. Tamaki finally mustered up the courage to invite you, hoping that he could finally confess and share the celebration of his debut as a pro with the one he does it all for.

You were ecstatic to see your two friends again and more importantly, you were proud to introduce your boyfriend to your childhood friends. Tamaki couldn't say that he shared the same joy you did.

You just had to go and ruin his day, didn't you? Everything he worked for, everything he did for you was for naught, seeing you hold that bastard’s hand so gently. It should be his hand in yours, not that oaf’s. Was he even a hero? He wasn't good enough for you, not like Tamaki was.

Tamaki worked to be yours, you just needed to see that

———— •

“Thanks for inviting me over, Tamaki. I haven't seen you in so long, I missed you!”

Tamaki locked the door to his apartment and shuffled in after you. It was now or never.

“Yeah, there's actually something I've been wanting to talk to you about.”

He sat on the couch and patted for you to sit next to him. Once down, he put a hand on your thigh and looked in your eyes with a flushed expression. How cute, his ears still went red when he was embarrassed.

“I’m in love with you.”

You were at a loss for words, feeling the tension become heavy and awkward.

“I don’t know what to say. You know I’m dating-”

“Say...Say you’ll be mine! I did everything for you, I worked so hard to be worthy of you. Don't you see that?”

Tamaki grasped your hand in his, squeezing it right as he came in close to your personal space. He had a hopeful smile on his face, but the look in his eyes scared you.

“Listen, we haven't talked in years Tamaki. I got over my crush on you after you stopped talking to me, I'm sorry.”

His eyes searched yours as tears welled up in them as his grip tightened.

“I-It’s not fair! He doesn't deserve you, I do. I-I wanted to become a hero for you. To protect you.”

Letting out a sigh, you untangled yourself from his grip and stood up, pushing his hands away when they reached out for you again. “I think I should leave, Tama.”

“You’re a whore.”

His confidence startled you.

“Excuse me?”

His anger was evident now as he gripped you by your biceps, wildly shaking you as tears fell from his eyes

“How could you do this to me!” He spat, shoving you back down to the couch. “You're mine; you belong to me. He's just a worthless quirkless boy with no future, just like you!”

Tentacles sprouted from his fingers, wrapping you up tightly and suctioning off your clothes until you were naked before him. One prodded its way into your mouth to gag you as he spread your legs.

He was sobbing on his knees in front of you, pressing his face into your thigh before biting into your skin roughly enough to draw blood.

“I could have given you everything, bunny. A future, my love, a family, but you betrayed me. You're nothing more than a cocksleeve for me now, a hole for me to use and abuse, you two-timing bitch.”

He pulled his cock out and began to stroke himself, continuing to leave bloody bite marks all over your thighs, letting his anger get the best of him.

“I could have been so good to you.” He sobbed, pressing kisses to the marks and lapping at your blood. “Why did you do this to me? You fucking whore!”

His sobs only got louder as he continued to leave marks on your body, leaving a bloody trail in its wake while his tentacles constricted you completely. One of them wrapped itself around your throat and squeezed while he got up from the floor.

“I’ll make sure you never forget who exactly it is that owns you.”

Using his free hand, he manifested a swordfish’s head and began to carve his name into your stomach. He took his time, watching you writhe and scream in his grip while dragging out the pain.

“Hurts, doesn't it? This is nothing compared to what you've done to my heart.”

Once he finished his work, he retracted the fish and continued to stroke himself off over you. The tentacles continued to squeeze you to the point where you could feel the blood being cut off your limbs.

“I should break your legs so you can’t run away from me. W-Would you like that bunny?” He sighed happily at the thought, biting his lip as he watched you struggle.

Whining and whimpering, his hand worked even faster when he heard your muffled screams of pain from his tentacles dislocating your knees and ankles. His hips jerked in his hand when he saw you shake from the pain, finally going lack in his clutch.

“Y-You sound so cute when you’re in pain, sweetheart. Can you scream some more for me?”

He worked another tentacle into your mouth and watched as they face fucked you, leaving your lips swollen and split from the sheer stretch of the tentacles.

What happened to your sweet, shy Tamaki? The one you fell in love with all those years ago? And yet, here he was, slicing you open and breaking your bones for having a boyfriend.

“Oh fuck, I-I’m close, bunny!” Tamaki whimpered, fisting his cock fast as he positioned his hips over the cut of his name. “I love you! Oh my god, I love you so much!”

He cried, spilling his seed all over the open wound. The poor boy came buckets and saw stars from the most intense orgasm of his life. He panted, retracting his tentacles as he came down from his high.

The gravity of the situation hit him hard once he saw your mangled, broken body in front of him. He whimpered out apologies as he kissed you, doing his best to stop the bleeding from the shallow wounds he gave you.

“‘M sorry, bunny. I went overboard, I-I didn’t mean to!” He whined. “Don’t worry; I’m going to take care of you. D-Don’t move!”

Collecting himself, he ran out of the room to get his first aid kit to dress the wounds. He intended to let everything scar, but he knew he had to treat it quickly.

You, on the other hand, laid still on the couch, hiccuping and sobbing at the loss of your first love.

[millenniumblog]

[ID: A chart describing the core values of each of the nine Enneagram personality types with YuGiOh characters correlated to each of the types.]

YuGiOh Enneagram Analysis, Part #1

Please note that this is the “boring” informational post about Enneagram with the Types listed and explained as well as a few other things. The next post is what has the actual, in-depth character profiles promised!

Introduction & Motivation

Over the past several months, I have been trying to analyze my strengths and weaknesses as a writer and learn more. I have been writing fanfiction since I was a little kid, making my first FF.net account in 2003 when I would have been twelve years old. Even before that, I was a lurker and wrote fics to share with my childhood best friend on paper or floppy discs.

YuGiOh came into my life at some point shortly thereafter. I know this, because I spent my thirteenth birthday in a comic book shop, mostly watching some of my male friends play the trading card game. I had some of the cards, but I was never much of a player, unable to keep up with the seemingly rapid rule changes. Besides that, I was always way more interested in the story and characters than I was in the card game. I remember I even wanted to call “YuGiOh cards” “Duel Monsters” instead to make it seem a little closer to tween-y LARPing.

Eventually, I gave up on collecting cards or trying to ply the game. I felt that while my male friends didn’t mind me being around when they played, they weren’t extremely interested in helping me learn or keep up. I felt I had other strengths, so I started carrying around a notebook even more than I already did. I started my fledgling forays into online fandom. And YuGiOh was a big part of the beginning of that.

I can’t remember posting any YuGiOh fic in particular, and I’m sure that if I had it would make me cringe now. What I do remember is reading some and also spending a lot of time lying on my bed, headphones plugged into a small purple stereo, listening to the first of the two American-released CDs with YuGiOh-inspired music on them. In particular, the last three tracks were pieces of music from the original score composed for the 4Kids dub, which is - for some reason - different from the original Japanese music.

During that time, I would fantasize and conjure my own YuGiOh plots in my head, most of which were focused on the Ancient Egyptian and more spooky, spiritual, and horror themes in the show. I was really fascinated with the reincarnation angle, though my understanding of and opinions on how that works have grown with time.

Years went by, and I didn’t think about YuGiOh much at all. Then, something happened in 2018. I don’t know what got in my head, but it was like all the joy I once found in thinking about the YuGiOh characters came back in a giddy conversation with my childhood best friend. Then, for a little while, it wouldn’t leave me alone.

I started writing for the fandom then, and after several detours, I’m trying to get back in the groove of it.

My approach to the tone of YuGiOh-fanning is that it’s a bit serious, but it’s also with a tongue placed in my cheek because of how incomprehensible or silly the plot can be on a meta level. Sometimes, it almost brings tears to my eyes by being so over-the-top about something that, in the real world, would make no sense at all. But the drama, in the context of the universe, somehow rings true.

I think that’s all owing to how most of the primary characters are just... really freaking great characters.

It has often puzzled me. Like, did Takahashi do all this layering on purpose? Is it really there, or did earnest fanon just make it seem like it? And, as a person, I am always here for a good fan-and-canon symbiosis.

This post is going to be, from here on, an effort to match the YuGiOh characters to the 9 Enneagram Personality Types. I am writing this for my own benefit as I continue to work on my pet YuGiOh fanfiction project, It’s Always Sunny in Domino City, which is a mixture of YGOTAS-vibes-and-concepts taken seriously and a sincere take on fanfiction for the actual canon. It’s dramedy about a sizeable chunk of the main cast a few years post-canon with some canon divergence such as the Memory World arc not yet and possibly never-happening. If that sounds like something you’d like, I would humbly request you check it out!

Either way, this will be an in-depth character analysis cheatsheet for all of the characters above, based on my observations, opinions, and feelings. I invite discussion, but it’s fine if we need to agree to totally disagree!

If you are interested and enjoy what’s below the Read More and in the coming second post, then you are welcome to utilize the character analyses to aid you in your own fanwork!

Enneagram

What is Enneagram, and why am I using it?

Enneagram is a personality categorization system that one might compare to the somewhat better-known MBTI. However, in the words of excellent writing-advice YouTuber, Abbie Emmons:

MBTI shows us how we behave.

Enneagram shows us what we believe.

I will be referencing Abbie’s video Using The ENNEAGRAM To Write CONFLICTED CHARACTERS and her free Enneagram-cheatsheet, available in the description of the linked video. Whether it’s before you continue reading or after, if you’re interested in writing, I would highly recommend you check out her channel!

The Enneagram system has nine basic personality types that overlap and interact in really interesting ways. It is not a hard science, and it’s not a horoscope. Instead, it’s supposed to be “based on conventional wisdom and modern psychology.” All I can say is that with every set of characters I’ve tried it with, it works! Once you get the hang of it, it feels kind of like ~✰~magic~✰~!

Below, I will list Abbie’s simplified definitions of each of the personality types, in order:

Type 1: The Reformer

The Rational, Idealistic Type:

Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic

Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective

Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced

Key Motivations: Want to be right, to strive higher and improve everything, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.

Type 2: The Helper

The Caring, Interpersonal Type:

Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive

Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved

Basic Desire: To feel loved

Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.

Type 3: The Achiever

The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type:

Adaptable, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious

Basic Fear: Of being worthless

Basic Desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile

Key Motivations: Want to be affirmed, to distinguish themselves from others, to have attention, to be admired, and to impress others.

Type 4: The Individualist

The Sensitive, Introspective Type:

Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance

Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)

Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer."

Type 5: The Investigator

The Intense, Cerebral Type:

Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated

Basic Fear: Being useless, helpless, or incapable

Basic Desire: To be capable and competent

Key Motivations: Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment.

Type 6: The Loyalist

The Committed, Security-Oriented Type:

Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious

Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance

Basic Desire: To have security and support

Key Motivations: Want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward them, to fight against anxiety and insecurity.

Type 7: The Enthusiast

The Busy, Variety-Seeking Type:

Spontaneous, Versatile, Acquisitive, and Scattered

Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain

Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilled

Key Motivations: Want to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain.

Type 8: The Challenger

The Powerful, Dominating Type:

Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational

Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled by others

Basic Desire: To protect themselves (to be in control of their own life and destiny)

Key Motivations: Want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation.

Type 9: The Peacemaker

The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type:

Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent

Basic Fear: Of loss and separation

Basic Desire: To have inner stability, "peace of mind"

Key Motivations: Want to create harmony in their environment, to avoid conflicts and tension, to preserve things as they are, to resist whatever would upset or disturb them.

Now that you’ve seen all those, what do you think your favorite character is? In YuGiOh or anything else! It works great for original characters and even yourself and your loved ones.

The actual Character Profiles will be in coming post(s), but continue reading if you want me to explain more about how and why the Enneagram is a great personality typing system. #nonspon, or whatever.

The Enneagram Chart

Now, you could just go to the Enneagram Institute’s page on How the System Works, but below I’ll cut it down to only the parts I’m interested in and explain those in a way that helps me.

Unlike in astrology or MBTI, which are both more restrictive in different ways, the relative position of each type matters a bit on the Enneagram chart, because it can be used to visualize a lot of things about a person!

The Basic Chart

The Types are shown in a clockwise fashion with “1″ in the 1 o’clock position on an analog clock. The interior lines mean things, but I have trouble reading it without further delineation.

Centers of Response

Below are two small charts, displayed side-by-side. (If it’s too small, try right-click, open in new tab!)

The chart on the left shows the three “centers.” The “centers” indicate the first ‘processing language’ a person would use to respond to stimuli.

Type 8, Type 9, and Type 1 respond first based on instinct (primal, gut-feeling). If you want to go Freudian, this is from the id.

Type 2, Type 3, and Type 4 respond first based on feelings (social or personal desires, the heart). If you want to go Freudian, this is from the ego.

Type 5, Type 6, and Type 7 respond first based on thoughts (analytical rather than emotional, the head). If you want to go Freudian, this is from the superego.

Remember that, of course, every single type and person engages their instincts, their emotions, and their thoughts at different times and to different degrees, and some of these are learned or changed behaviors. This is about what their innate drive toward that would be.

Likewise, the same “centers” can also be used for the chart on the right. You will notice that all three of these are defined by what is typically considered a negative emotion. This is because this is about a person’s instinctive, not particularly conscious emotional response when they are backed into a corner and deprived of something that is core to the needs of their personality type.

Type 8, Type 9, and Type 1 tend to respond to a threat to their psychic well-being with anger/rage.

Type 2, Type 3, and Type 4 tend to respond to a threat to their psychic well-being with shame.

Type 5, Type 6, and Type 7 tend to respond to a threat to their psychic well-being with fear.

Stress vs. Growth

We all know that there are times when a person isn’t acting like themselves, for better or for worse. Usually, “You’re not acting like yourself,” means that a person is behaving badly. Of course, it’s way easier to withdraw and bristle and defend rather than growing in the midst of adversity. However, it is certainly possible to experience character growth in response to experiences, good and bad. Unlike a lot of other personality typing schemes, the Enneagram has a way to display and predict what stress and growth do to a person.

The Enneagram never suggests that any Type is an island unto itself. Every person contains multitudes, but a person’s Type is likely to remain relatively stable throughout their lives, once they have had a chance to develop any personality at all. This means that when a person is stressed or growing that they do not become the type they emulate. Rather, they are more highly expressing that aspects of their personality that reflect those drives and desires but in a way that is either fraught, sickly, or unwell (in the case of stress), or aspirational, flying-high, and incorporating the hard-lessons into who a person is going to be going forward (in the case of growth). The latter, especially, isn’t a sustainable mode, while a stressed person can become more entrenched in their bad habits and defensive coping mechanisms.

Stress

Note the white, directional arrows. Each number has an arrow point pointing to it and an arrow leading away from it. The point indicates that this is the stress manifestation for the Type at the origin of that arrow. The origin of each arrow indicates the Type being described.

Confused? Let me finally give you a YuGiOh example.

When I was trying to identify the Types of the characters, defining Marik was difficult, because he has a “Yami,” or Dark Side, which has its own personality and will but which is not its own separate soul or person than Marik himself. Rather, it’s a kind of fantasy/magic-assisted personality splintering where Yami Marik is a full manifestation of the negative traits Marik needed to embody to survive.

So, for reference:

When stressed, Type 1 behaves more like Type 4. 

When stressed, Type 2 behaves more like Type 8.

When stressed, Type 3 behaves more like Type 9.

When stressed, Type 4 behaves more like Type 2.

When stressed, Type 5 behaves more like Type 7.

When stressed, Type 6 behaves more like Type 3.

When stressed, Type 7 behaves more like Type 1.

When stressed, Type 8 behaves more like Type 5.

When stressed, Type 9 behaves more like Type 6.

Alternatively, you can use these sequences to follow the stress lines:

1-4-2-8-5-7-1

9-6-3-9

Growth

Think of the above-explanation in reverse.

The sequence:

1-7-5-8-2-4-1

9-3-6-9

As a Type 1 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 7.

As a Type 2 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 4.

As a Type 3 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 6.

As a Type 4 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 1.

As a Type 5 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 8.

As a Type 6 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 9.

As a Type 7 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 5.

As a Type 8 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 2.

As a Type 9 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 3.

Wings

The final thing to know about the Enneagram chart for my purposes is about wings. The wing of your personality traits accounts for the complementary and contradictory aspects of your personality. They are the inconsistencies that make you human, predicted and jumped in. Typically, a person is not thought to have both possible wings but one or the other. A wing is one of the two adjacent Types to yours, the number before, or the number after, and it is annotated, for example:

Type 1, Wing 2: 1w2

Type 1, Wing 9: 1w9

Link to Part 2 Here!

[kiribaku-queen]

Valentine’s Day

Pairing: Bakugou x reader

Angsty, a tiny bit of humor

Word count: 2.7K

A/N: I guess you guys like angst?? It’s not as angsty and heartbreaking like how I imagined it in my head but I hope you guys enjoy this one a lot more and the new series will be out on Monday! Also, sorry that this came out a day later. I got admitted to the hospital YET AGAIN so that’s the reason why it’s late.

Summary: You absolutely hated Valentine’s Day. Nothing like a day to remind you how unattractive and unwanted you were by the entire male population. But will all that change this Valentine’s Day?

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The loud, annoying tone of your alarm startled you awake. You picked your head up with heavy eyes and immediately turned it off. Plopping back down on your pillow, you groaned.

It was that time of year.

Valentine’s Day.

The worst day of the year, where you hated being reminded of the fact that no one liked you. Time and time again, year after year after year. No one has every confessed to you. You’ve never been in a relationship. You’ve never been given chocolates on Valentine’s Day. You always felt unwanted and unloved during this time of year. And you exactly knew why.

Momo Yaoyorozu.

Your gorgeous cousin. The smartest, prettiest, most down to earth person in your entire family. Everyone fell for her. And you couldn’t blame them. She really was like an angel sent from heaven. Down to her looks and her personality, she had it all. But it didn’t help your ego that Momo sat right behind you in class. So during this time of year, her desk would be stacked with chocolates, presents, hand written love letters from all ages.

You didn’t want to say you resented her… but you did. God, you were jealous. Was it hard to just ask for at least one letter? All you needed to feel better was one person to show you affection and maybe then, you wouldn’t feel so much hate and jealousy. But no matter how many times you prayed, each year was the same. And it was going to be the same this year too.

 You arrived to your class, only to see Momo already being bombarded with boys. Boys from our class, boys from the next class over. Even some of our seniors are here to shower Momo with unconditional love. And it was only the start of the day. There was more to come.

You maneuvered your way to your seat, forcing people to get out of your way. You plopped down in your seat in an annoyed way, praying that class would start soon. But all these people around Momo and them confessing their love for her, you couldn’t help but think badly of yourself. Were you really that unattractive? What did Momo have that you didn’t. You both looked similar, considering that you were both blood related. But she just drew all the attention. No matter where she went or who she met, they always fell for her.

You glanced back at her and she was all giggling and happy. Of course she would be. It would be nice to be on the other side for once. Just once. To know that someone out there might like you. Then maybe you had a chance at love. But you can only dream. What is she going to do with all that chocolate anyway? Momo was never a fan of desserts but she can’t reject anybody either.

It was already halfway through the day and you swear time couldn’t go any slower. The teacher dismissed themselves off for the next period so everyone had a few minutes to take a break. During this time, most students went to the bathroom or went to talk to their friends in other classes. That’s what Momo and a few of her friends did. Not you. You stretched your arms in your desk and just waited for next period to begin. You were about to lay your head down on your desk when another student made his way up to you. A male student. With chocolates in hand. Instantly, your heart skipped a beat.

He was walking right at you. There’s no doubt about that. And it was clear to see that he had chocolates in his hands. Was this your time? Did someone finally find you attractive enough to have feelings for you? You straightened up in your desk as the guy approached you.

“(y/n)?” he called out your name. You bit your lip in anticipation. He bows his head down and extends his arms out to hand you the chocolates. You could literally feel your whole mood being lifted off of your shoulders and happiness and joy filled your body. But before you could say or do anything, he said something that made your heart sink right back.

“Can you please give this to Momo? I couldn’t bring myself to give it to her after seeing that massive crowd this morning. But I thought if I gave it to you, maybe I have a better chance at catching her attention. So please send in a good word for me!” he begged. Ouch. That hurt like a bitch. That whole thing about you feeling happy and having this whole bad mood being lifted off your shoulders? Yeah, that came straight back down tenfold. You got your hopes up only to be crushed in the most humiliating way.

“Yeah… yeah, I can do that,” you say, snatching the box of chocolates out of his hands. Oblivious to your behavior, he beams at you, thankful that you were ‘willing’ to do this favor for him. Your cousin comes back to see yet another Valentine’s gift waiting for her.

“Some guy wanted to give you this while you were gone,” you inform her. She was looking at the gift curiously. Then she smiles with her perfect, gorgeous smile that everyone falls for.

“Thank you, (y/n)! Goodness, I don’t even know where to put this one,” she talks to herself, looking around where she could put the little guy. Her bag was already filled with gifts. Her desk had no room. There was a pile of presents at the foot of her desk and you knew that there was still more coming. And guess what? This happened several times throughout the day, in between classes. Guys would come up to you, knowing that you were Momo’s cousin, and ask you to give her their love letters and small gifts. Guess you’ll only be know as Momo’s cousin. You couldn’t turn them down, no matter how annoyed you got. You just needed to get through lunch and a few more classes until the day was over and you were free. God, how you wanted this day to end so badly.

  “Just do it.”

“I will.”

“Now.”

“I’ll do it!”

“She’s walking away!”

“I SAID I’LL DO IT!” Bakugou yells at Kirishima, gripping the letter in his hands that was already crumbled by now. Bakugou was stiff in his stance. No matter how much Kirishima and Kaminari tried to push him and convince him to walk up to you, he would.not.budge.

“C’mon. You did not stay up all night writing this letter to not give it to her,” Kaminari kind of laughs at the blonde for his uncharacteristic-like behavior. Bakugou looks up at you for the hundredth time that day, watching as you gracefully walked down the hallway. He was so stunned by your beauty that he was frozen in place. And by the time he knew it, you already disappeared around the corner.

“Aaaand she’s gone… way to go,” Kirishima pat his best friend on the back. Being the hot head he is, you’d assume he would do everything with confidence and be straightforward, even if it wasn’t in a romantic way. But something about you just made him freeze. You made him completely forget about this façade he puts up around people. You do something to him and he knew it wasn’t normal. He’s never felt like this before so doing anything so… cringey was foreign to him. Plus, he’s never had to go after girls because they are always the one to come to him. He was pretty popular, even he was surprised. Why would anyone like him? But it didn’t matter because the only person he was looking at was you. Now you were gone and out of sight and now he’s frustrated that he was too chicken to just hand you this damn letter.

“Tch, maybe I won’t give it to her,” Bakugou decided to give up. Now that really wasn’t like him. Kirishima and Kaminari looked at each other and smirked. If he wasn’t going to give it to you, then they were going to give him motivation to make him want to give it to you.

“Well if you’re not going to confess to her, maybe I will. It is the perfect day for that,” Denki said aloud, emphasizing each word to get through Bakugou’s thick skull. Oh, he heard it all right. Loud and clear. And he didn’t like that one bit. Anger and irritation started to bubble inside him. So much that smoke started to appear out of his fists.

“Ha?” Bakugou questioned Denki. He wanted to make sure he was hearing correctly. Almost as if he was challenging him to say it again.

“I said, I’m going to confess to (y/n),” Denki rubbed it in his face. That was it.

“I’M GONNA FUCKING KICK YOUR ASS!” Bakugou blew up, explosions coming out of both hands. Mind you, the letter was still in his hand. He just used his quirk. He just blew up his love letter to you. The ashes of the letter fell to the floor and collected in a pile on the floor. All three just looked down in silence. Hours of hard work. Of writing then rewriting and rewriting again. Crumbled up papers that were lazily thrown at the trash can and even more burnt paper filled his floor. He spent hours overcoming his embarrassment and poured his heart and soul in this damn letter only for it to be sat in a pile of ash in front of him.

“Kaminari Denki,” Bakugou said his name, low and menacing. Denki couldn’t look up. He refused to. Bakugou looked up with murder in his eyes. “Run.” “Okay.” He whispered in a small voice and bolted down the hallway with Bakugou right on his tail.

“Wait, Bakugou!” Kirishima yelled out after the two, pulling out his phone. “I took a picture on my phone! Come back!”

  The next half of the day was just like the first. Multiple guys came up to you to give Momo their presents because they were too shy. It didn’t faze you anymore. When you returned from lunch, you were the first to enter your classroom and was ready to sit back down. But a note and a small box were laying on top of your desk.

You approached it and took the letter in your hands. There was no name on it. But why was it sitting on your desk?  Could it be for you? No way. There’s no way you were falling for that again. You didn’t want to raise your hopes only for them to be crushed by dudes you didn’t even know. Not worth the heartache. Although, there was a slight possibility that it could be for you. Curiosity almost got the better of you and you almost opened the letter to see if it was actually addressed to you, but then you glanced at Momo’s desk. In such a short amount of time, her desk was covered in Valentine’s Day gifts. It was so much that you couldn’t fit another thing on there.

Then it hit you. Someone probably put it on your desk because there wasn’t any more room on Momo’s. That had to be the case. Bummer. Ignoring the slight ache in your chest, you gently laid the letter at the very top of the stack, turned around in your chair and waited for class to start.

Bakugou, Kirishima and Kaminari were all peeking through the window to the classroom to see you receive the letter. Bakugou, being the embarrassed, stubborn boy that he is, couldn’t bring himself to physically give you the letter himself, so he opted to setting it on your desk. At least he was still giving it to you in some way. But as soon as you flipped the letter over, he knew he messed up.

“The name, the name! You forgot to write her name!” Kirishima panicked, smacking his forehead with the palm of his hand.

“If it wasn’t for dunce face over here then I wouldn’t have rushed and forgotten to write her name!” Bakugou blamed the blonde next to him. As if he didn’t feel like an idiot then, you put the letter on the desk behind you. You thought someone mistakenly put the letter on your desk when really, it was for you!

“Kirishima!” Bakugou nudged him and he was already on his way. Sneaking past you in a nonchalant way, he swiftly secured the letter in his hands without anyone noticing and returned to the boys. Bakugou snatched it away, his heart racing. Time for plan two.

The bell rang and you could cry of happiness. The day was finally over and you couldn’t wait to get back home. You spent the whole day secretly anticipating if someone would come up to you, but it never came. You saw it coming but you didn’t think it would affect you that bad. Typical Valentine’s Day. You walked to your locker, which was coincidentally right next to Momo’s. It wasn’t hard to spot where your locker was because of the hundreds of love letters covering her locker. Were there that many people at your school that admired only one person?

You raised a brow when you saw a letter taped to your locked. Really? Momo’s locker is definitely crowded with other letters, but there was still room at the bottom for more. You frowned, took the letter and taped it back up on your cousins’ locker. There. That wasn’t so hard. You gathered your things quickly and headed home, finally.

The three friends were now hiding before the corner, waiting until you reached your locker. There was no way you could mistake it now. It was fully on your locked and Bakugou wrote your name on it. What could go wrong? Oh no. Bakugou squinted. The more and more he looked, the more he could see your name was missing. No, he definitely put your name there, he was sure of it. That was when he realized that he taped the letter on the wrong side! The side of the letter where your name was, was facing the locked instead of the other way around. Idiot! He got so nervous he made such a critical mistake. Another fail, once again. But third time’s the charm. When you walked away, Bakugou took it upon himself to take back his letter and chased after you. After two failed attempts, he was not going to let it happen again.

Bakugou chased you out of the school building and onto the school grounds, right by the gate.

“Oi, (y/n)!” Bakugou called out your name. You jumped at the sound of your voice and turned around. The wind blew your hair out of the way like a move and the sun was hitting you just right that Bakugou’s cheeks turned pink. He jogged up to you until he was only a few feet away.

When you saw that THE Bakugou Katsuki was talking to you, you felt your voice get caught in your throat. Oh god. Your name came out of his mouth. He was talking to you. This was unreal.

“Here,” He extended his hand out and gave you a letter with a small box of chocolates. You were excited to see him at first, but when you saw what was in his hands, your heart deflated. You were tricked yet again. He was going to ask you to give it to Momo and of course, you’d say yes. You take his gifts and give him a fake, half smile.

“Yeah, I’ll give them to Momo for you,” you tell him. You turn around but Bakugou grabs your arm and spun you back around, shocking you.

“Why would you give it to Momo?” he asks. That left you confused.

“Isn’t this for-“

“It’s for you,” he interrupts you. You stare into his eyes to see if he was joking. He was being dead serious. Then, your heart started to beat again. He liked you. You. Out of everybody in that school. You. He found you beautiful. Funny. Easy to be around. Down to earth. Momo was everything you were and more. But Momo wasn’t you. And he chose you.

[mightbewriting]

So I came to W&H and B&E in an odd way. I'm a long time Dramione fic reader who like many of us doubled down on in 2020 to find comfort in a bananas year. I kept seeing W&H on everyone's rec list, but for whatever reason kept putting it off. Then I heard about the prequel and decided to wait for that to be finished, read it, then do W&H. But once it was finished, I saw you recommended W&H first so I was like okay I'll do that. I struggle with impulse control but am trying to do better so when I saw the audiobook for W&H I was like perfect, I'll listen rather than read that way I won't gobble it up in a day. Ha well that did not work, I listened to the first 3 chapters (at that time those were the only chapters they had recorded) then instantly ran not walked to A03, reread said chapters, then continued on. At Chapter 4 of W&H, I thought hmm maybe I'll read them simultaneously. I continued that way maybe through Chapter 13 of B&E and Chapter 7ish then fully committed to W&H first. I cannot imagine reading these fics in real time because reading them in full, back to back was the most intense glutenous binge and it's taken over my life in the best way. I have been living in your fictional universe for the past two weeks. I started a list of all the parallels and callbacks and eventually had to call it because they are innumerable. I'm awed. In literal awe. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Your writing - the individual words of your vast vocabulary, the way you string said words together into hilarious, heart breaking, heart stopping, beautiful, and visceral feelings is astounding. It's hard to explain but even good writers (and/or an intriguing plot) sometimes do not create an overall immersive feeling. But the feelings your words evoke are all encompassing and truly universe building. Like it's not just the wording or the plot or the charters but all of it together come to make something even greater than the sum of their parts. Your writing, your universe of W&H, S&S, and B&E live in my mind and heart and in an embarrassing amount of screenshots of passages on my phone and in voice memos to myself as I don't have anyone irl to fan girl with. When I think of your words and the world you built, I'm reminded of a Taylor Swift lyric: "it cut deep to know you, right to the bone". That is how I'd describe your writing's effect on me, but in the best way.

Your brain's capacity to plot, plan, and flawlessly deliver W&H THEN B&E? Idk how you kept all the threads and plot points and moments and timelines in check. My head aches just thinking about how you wrote these stand-alone but also inextricable works of art. Like how does one's brain function in such a level? And it's especially telling in B&E because we knew where we were going but I still gasped, screamed, squealed, giggled, had to put my phone down, clutched it to my heart, fist pumped, stopped half way through just for a minute to breath and take it all in, and overall looked and acted as an utter idiot during each and every chapter because while I knew where we were going I also had no idea! I'm just floored you managed to keep us at the edge of our seats with a prequel? Who does that? You do!

The texts in the final chapter of W&H devastated me, literal chills. I think about that daily. It's exactly what H and we needed. Just like a reminder of what they went through. It reminded me of Chapter 41 of B&E. Like a summary of where they had been and where they are now.

The other thing that rattled in my brain is the motifs of choice and time, life kind of boils down to those two things huh? But choice especially. It's funny because choice is so prominent but at the same time how W&H and B&E give off soulmate vibes even though this is not a soulmate fic (also are the rumors true...?!) because despite time turners, breakups, and lost memories, they always come back together. But more on choice: it's just as Draco says - in a million scenarios he'll always choose her and he feels lucky she chose him just once. But of course with W&H, she does it twice. And she does it in both timelines of B&E, and of course that's the problem when Draco realizes he has not done the same hence heartbreak 1.0. And just god - he wants her to have a choice with the potion, a choice with her memories, and stops the timey wimey madness by realizing he's taking her choice (and in a way H started it by taking away his choice and leaving the first time). And then those parts about how he chose her, she chose him, but they could not chose each other. This motif, these callbacks. I'm flabbergasted. It's just hitting me now that you extend the choice to us as readers - we get to choose whether H get her memories back or not.

Theo in all your Wait and Hope universe, but especially S&S broke me. Blaise asking who is taking care of Theo when he's taking care of everyone else? Theo's literal and figurative demons? Yikes. Those were unpleasant looks in the mirror for me. I'm glad Theo has his Blaise. Where's mine haha? Also just shout to your underrated Blaise. The fact that he might be my favorite of the Slytherians in your stories says a lot since he doesn't say a lot haha. But he packs such a punch in all your works.

Okay, after singing your well deserved praises and fan girling and marveling at your works (god this is so long, I'm so sorry!), at long last my ask. I still cannot get this out of my head: what did Theo mean in Chapter 1 of B&E when he suggests to Draco “I know that. Maybe you could—tell her some of—” some of what? I zeroed in on this as soon as I read it and it's been rattling in my brain ever since.

um. hi? holy shit. i dont know how to process this. i am resisting the impulse to cringe away from the level of praise happening here because i really need to learn how to take a compliment but oh my god? i am not...this is just...wowzers. you are very literally too kind to me. i have melted into a puddle of feelings in my reading chair here. 

so, first things first: thank you. these are some of the nicest things i’ve ever heard about my writing and i can guarantee i will come back to this ask when I'm feeling like i suck and need a motivation boost. i can’t deny...it feels really nice to know that at least one person out there caught and appreciated some of the insane attention to detail i forced upon myself lol. so thank you. truly, thank you so much for saying such amazingly kind things that have short circuited my brain!

and im sure my friends at @etl-echo-audiobooks will be over the moon to know that their recording work was such a hit! your trajectory reading these stories is so fun and hilarious and probably the most unique reading experience i’ve heard so far xD

also, please be advised that your analysis on choice in these stories is probably going to live in my head rent free for the rest of my life. i feel seen, you know? you just...picked up what i was putting down and it feels really nice to know that it worked for you! 

and ok. your question. that little dash of ambiguity i was planning on leaving open ended. but let it be known i can be plied with compliments. i can’t just *not* give you something in return for such a lovely and kind and thoughtful dose of joy you had absolutely no obligation to give me today. 

so, in my mind, after draco’s house arrest ended and before he went abroad for his mastery, he and theo had an extensive (most likely drunken. also blaise was probably there too) night of reflection where they kind of just looked back at their childhoods and the war and the history of blood purity and just sort of went: “what the fuck?” i imagine draco probably confided in theo that when he went abroad, he planned to just try and pretend like none of it mattered, to see if that was really true. and draco probably kept him updated via owl (even though draco did not write enough and theo had feelings about that) so that by the time draco returned and we have theo asking that sort of trailing question, the implication at the end is “what if you told granger some of your realizations about it all?” so...not all that exciting? but there you have it!

in conclusion: thank you! you are too kind! i appreciate your thoughtful commentary SO much! i’m so happy you enjoyed these stories. and i hope the explanation of what theo was going to say wasn’t too underwhelming.

[interstellarrambles]

Hi! Love your writing! Would you ever consider doing a Billy Hargrove x plus size reader? Maybe the reader is shy and nerdy so the party are always hanging around her, she's like an cool older sister to them. Billy finds the kids annoying because they're always around the reader when he tries to ask her out. Thanks!

heya love! very sorry I took my time with this but I wanted to make it perfect as a chubby girl myself. I really hope you enjoy it, this is probably the longest piece I've ever written, it's like four in one. solis x

pairing: Billy Hargrove x female plus size!reader

fandom: stranger things

warnings: bullies unsurprisingly, nothing terrible, abusive families, domestic abuse

fourth time lucky. bh.

the three times billy hargrove tried to ask you out, and the one time it actually worked.

hair pushed back, cig hanging gently on his smiling lips and jeans sprayed onto his muscular thighs; Billy Hargrove looked almost delectable as he stood, leaning against your lockers and waiting for you to show up. this had become a regular thing since you'd first started hanging out, and though the other teenagers of Hawkins couldn't work out why Billy would want to hang around for you, he couldn't care less. whenever he needed someone real to comfort him, and show him he was worthy of love and affection, you were there. you made him feel more alive, and that made him breathless ironically whenever he was around you. touch starved was never a word Billy would ever associate with himself until he met you. no matter how many girls had laid their hands on him, he needed none of them as much as he needed your touch.

already this afternoon, Tommy had tried to pull him away, promising him a girl at his party later on, but Billy simply shook his head and remained where he was. you were due a free period right now, and he wanted to skip and go hang out before the end of school when he'd have to pick up Max.

it was through Max and the gang that the two of you had met properly for the first time, and though she'd hated his insistent flirting, she had to admit that she didn't mind hanging out with you more. suddenly less boisterous and cruel, whenever he was around you, Max noticed how Billy would change. he loved how much you cared about the gang, even if he could never work out why you cared so much.

caring and sweet, yet undeniably outspoken and confident: it was something Billy loved about you - you had the capability to show so much love, perhaps because of experiencing a severe lack of it, but on the other hand, you still stood up for yourself and protected the ones you loved fiercely. your years in high school before billy had been ridden with cruel taunts and bullying because of your appearance, hence why you began hanging out with the gang, but since he had joined, people quickly learned not to mention you in the wrong way. whether it was the love he felt for you in his heart that motivated him to dish out bruises and broken bones in your honour, or the way you always patched him up after and kissed his bruised knuckles as a thank you, he wasn't really sure. in his heart, he knew it was a mixture of both.

Billy had been too caught up in his thoughts to notice you coming around the corner moments before, but when he heard your laughter bouncing through the corridor, he knew it was you. gazing on in adoration, he watched as you walked towards him, your boots hitting the ground quicker when you noticed him waiting. your smiles and soft skin just visible from your clothes made him nervous, and though he wasn't accustomed to the feeling he'd put up with it if you were part of the deal.

"hey princess, been missing you," he smirked, removing his cigarette to talk properly. up close, he made a note that you were wearing one of his old shirts, one he had left at yours one night after a fight with his father. the bitter memory of his injuries was somewhat sweetened by the memory of you kissing his wounds and holding him. he hoped you'd find comfort in him too.

"hey Billy, thanks for waiting," softly smiling back, you pressed your hands against his chest and pushed him back so you could open your locker. as you touched him, gentle but firm, his muscles tensed noticeably and he felt his heart race a little faster.

"so uhh, I had something I wanted to ask you doll," his demeanour quickly became less relaxed, and you felt yourself fill with nerves. a blush spread across your cheeks when he called you that pet name, your imagination getting the better of you. imagining him whispering, groaning that pet name in another predicament completely made your skin feel hot to the touch.

right as you nodded and he went to continue, one of the gang cleared their throats in an effort to get your attention.

you chuckled as you watched his face quickly drop. behind you stood the gang smiling up at Billy, half scared, half amused. the way you'd yelled at him in the past for even laying a finger on them made him too scared to dare do anything, but the threat remained in their minds.

the kids muttered between themselves as you and Billy took a step aside. you tried to keep your head straight as you watched his muscles tense and the st christopher bounce against his chest, but you still felt slightly dizzy. with you stood against the lockers, him mere centimetres away, your mind was racing and you just hoped he couldn't tell.

"princess..." his tone was a mix of warning and pleading, and made your hair stand on edge. Billy knew the kids wanted to come and hang out at your house, since no one else's parents would allow it. but Billy wanted you to himself for once, and when it came to you, whatever Billy wanted, he usually got. perhaps not today though.

shaking his head, Billy knew he'd lost the battle when you smiled and tilted your head at him.

"okay, but they're gonna have to make it up to me at some point," he stated, loud enough for the whole corridor to hear, turning to you with a smile, he whispered, "and so will you doll."

a few weeks later, you found yourself sat on the bleachers in the school gym, watching Billy practice. confident, proud and talented: Billy knew he was good at basketball, better than anyone else on the team, so he enjoyed the moments on the pitch. it was one of those moments where Billy felt good at something; it was something he could be proud of.

lighting up with joy, his face was always a wonder when he noticed you were watching, and it made your stomach fill with butterflies. though you were sure the guys on his team would've said something about you hanging around, you were also sure he'd shut them up. it made you nervous being in a room full of boys that had made your high school experience suck, but the occasional smiles from Billy were worth it.

the mainly quiet gym, hour long practice and shirtless Billy were all more than enough to convince you to attend every practice he had, using the space to revise or study (or spend your time gazing at the boy of your dreams). as well as this, Billy always rushed through showering and getting ready afterwards to take you to a local diner, where the two of you would hang out and waste away the evening with jukebox dancing and milkshakes.

having the privilege to be in the presence of post workout Billy was something you'd never stop being grateful for, because his bad boy act usually dropped during these times. buzzing with energy, he'd grab your hand while he drove down the endless country roads and tell you stories of running away, making a new life. his eyes would electrify, and you'd both lose track of time, playing his music way too loud and dancing badly.

hopefully, today would be no different. you both had a big test the next day and you had revised so much your brain had turned grey and blurry. Billy needed a pick me up too, since his home life had been worsening, so you vowed to make tonight memorable for him. planning ahead, you'd packed a bag with a blanket and some snacks, hoping to find somewhere to stop and have a fire.

as you finished going through your notes one last time, the coach blew the final whistle indicating practice was over. after receiving a wink from Billy and waving back to him gleefully, you began packing away your notebooks and headed for the car park, where you'd wait for him.

by the time Billy joined you, his hair still wet from the showers, you were freezing, your jumper not quite shielding from the bitter mid spring air. immediately, Billy picked up on this and before even greeting you his jacket was wrapped around your frame. it made you nervous sometimes, since his clothes weren't as baggy on you as they would be on other girls, and this threatened to wipe the smile off of your face.

"sorry I took so long doll, Steve was giving me shit," although his face showed obvious distaste for Steve, his eyes still softened at the sight of you in his clothes: "you look gorgeous today y/n, even better with my jacket."

blushing, you hugged him silently, chuckling to yourself when he slipped his hand into his jacket pocket to reach for a his lighter and cigarettes.

"there's no surprise," swinging open the door for you, he simply ignored your remark, so you continued, "what's the plan for today then?"

Billy had also wanted today to be special. he'd thought it over and over in his mind, trying to think of something good enough, a way to ask you out properly that suited you, showed you how much your deserved. he thought he'd come up with a pretty good idea, but it would have to be a surprise for now to make the reveal even more worthwhile.

"well babe, that is a surprise, you'll have to wait and see," he teased, a smirk rolling around his lips, sharing the space with his lit cigarette. hopping into the seat next to you, Billy began driving away from Hawkins high school, his palm resting gently on your thigh. a small affection you had grown to love, the feel of his palm against your skin set your body alight almost and you had to fight the smile threatening your lips.

Billy eventually let you know he needed to pick some things up from his house before you could set off together to do whatever he had planned, claiming he'd left something at home that morning. therefore, when his Camaro rolled up the street to his house, you settled into the seat, not expecting to have to wait long before he'd be back.

with the weight of his denim jacket on your torso, you fiddled with the seams of it, adoring the way it swamped your body even if you knew you probably looked ridiculous. tuning out to the situation, you knew Billy wouldn't invite you in at all, so you busied yourself organising the front seat of his car, something he'd probably kill anyone else for.

living with his father, there were certain things Billy was sensitive to, things he could piece together pretty quickly to decipher the situation. so when he saw the lights of the living room illuminating the house and heard the stern voice of his father hollering through the house, it set his body on full alert. he knew pretty quickly it had something to do with Max, since she had told him not to bother taking her home, saying she didn't want to wait until practice was over.

Billy figured he could buy perhaps another half hour to drive you home and pretend like everything was normal; the outcome would be the same regardless, he'd be blamed and punished for whatever stupid thing his step sister had decided to do.

hands shaking, Billy returned to the car, his lips pressed tightly together as he gripped the steering wheel white knuckled.

realising the tension coursing through his body, you slowly placed your hand in his empty one, holding it on one of your thighs. only moments before he'd been touching your skin with a completkely different emotion racing through his veins. he'd been overtaken by excitement and anticipation, wondering whether he'd finally be able to kiss you tonight and hear you call him yours properly. fear and adrenaline had replaced this now, and anticipation for a completely different evening set his heart beating off time.

his eyes trailed over to you for a second, a silent acknowledgement, a thank you for showing him the love he needed. whether you were good with words or not, it didn't matter since he probably wouldn't hear you over his heart pounding.

keeping him grounded, the warmth of your hands around his and the soft of your thighs held him in place; reminded him there was good in the world.

"I... Billy I wanted to say something, and I don't know if now is the right time," you started, regretting the words as soon as they left your mouth, but not being able to stop once you'd started, " you mean the world to me, and I..."

the words got choked in your throat, and though his eyes remained on the road, you felt the car pull over so he could focus on you. it was so fucking embarrassing to Billy. tonight of all nights, when Billy was planning to ask you to be his girl, his little sister had decided to sneak out instead of riding home, and got caught. his dad was furious and now Billy was livid with Max again. but most of all, he was embarrassed that his home life was so fucked up, he couldn't even take the time outside of school to ask you on a date.

processing the words you were speaking to him wasn't really working in his overactive mind, and you could tell. reaching with your hands, you held his face and as you spoke, he watched your lips shamelessly

"I'm sorry it's like this Billy. I wish I could do something. I just want you to be safe."

Billy didn't have anything in mind to respond to your sympathy with, so he simply leaned into your touch one final time.

"you should get going. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning. my dad..." he trailed off but you understood clearly.

miserably reaching for your bag, you leaned over to him and kissed his cheek before clambering out and making your way up to your house. butterflies still fluttered around your stomach at the small moment of bliss, having him so close yet so far, even if the moment was horrifically tainted.

Billy traces his fingers across the shape your lips has branded into his cheek and smiles softly for a second, forgetting himself in your love.

today, Billy had noticed something different about you. adorned in one of his borrowed band shirts, a confidence seemed to radiate from your skin, and though he didn't know what had provoked it, he was determined to keep it there.

glittering with amusement, your eyes widened as he stole your book from your hands and took the seat next to you. in the cafeteria especially, many wondered why Billy Hargrove, the legend, would sit with someone quite a bit lower down the social ladder. even so, his presence, along with the faint smell of cigarettes and aftershave, followed you in your lunch periods and you were eternally grateful. you loved spending your lunch times listening to him complain about Steve and Tommy, and you loved how he'd listen intently to your ramblings about school, home and whatever work you were doing.

whenever Billy wasn't with you, cutting remarks would haunt you like a second shadow, and though you were big enough to deal with it yourself, it was nice not having to.

as he winked at you and dropped your book back into your lap, your heart swelled a little and you didn't quite notice one of his teammates walking by, so when his voice cut through your moment harshly.

"hey Billy, I didn't realise you were trying on the fat girl? c'mon there's much better-" the boy didn't quite get to finish his sentence before Billy had him against a nearby support, clearly furious.

gripping the lapels of his jacket, Billy practically growled, "I suggest you shut the hell up before I beat your ass," before dropping him, realising the staff members had caught on to his out burst. as well as the rest of the students, whose eyes quickly landed on you, shaking and visibly embarrassed.

pathetically whimpering as he crawled away, the boy avoided your path when he noticed you snatch your bag and make a run for it. breathing hard, Billy quickly grabbed his jacket before chasing after you as you hurried outside, gasping for air. your cheeks felt like they were on fire and you couldn't help but wish it didn't have to be like this.

you cursed his athletic nature when he caught up to you almost immediately, whispering "hey, hey don't cry babe, don't cry about him, he's an asshole," over and over while pulling you into a hug.

until he mentioned it, you didn't notice you were crying, fat tears making his sweater soggy. glittering again, this time your eyes struggled to meet his when he pulled away to speak to you.

"I'm so, I'm sorry you had to do that for me Billy, I," you started in between wiping the tears away on your sleeve. wrapping his jacket around you, he smiled and replied "it's no problem, I just wanna see you smiling girl, that's all. I just lose my temper when they say shit like that because I just..." before he managed to finish his sentence, you took his hand, already half expecting but not quite believing what he was about to say. trembling but warm, strong; his eyes dropped to your hands intertwined and you were somewhat shocked to see a blush forming across his cheeks.

"I wanna look after you forever y/n. hate seeing you upset, you're too important to me," Billy couldn't believe he'd copped out with such a wishy washy answer, but it satisfied you. you knew what he really meant behind his words and you felt the same, which was why you pushed yourself into his arms again and kept your face pushed against his neck for longer than before.

the cold bite of his metal jewellery against your skin mixed with the faint smell of his cologne made you almost light headed, overtaken with love and light swarming your insides, but with his arms around your waist, there was nothing but safety to be felt.

smiling against his skin, you whispered loud enough for only him to hear,

"you're important to me too Billy, always will be."

perhaps a month or so later, Billy stood against his Camaro, a cigarette painting his lips with grey smoke, watching as you ran over to him. smiles exchanged from a distance as usual, he couldn't help but notice yours was bigger than usual and he wondered why.

knuckles clenching when he saw Steve and the children close by, following your heels, he felt worry wash over him and he became gripped by the though that Steve had perhaps made a move. Billy had always gotten the idea that Steve was interested, since you hung out more than average friends due your shared love for the kids. it could've also been a sense of masculinity that Billy had always felt he needed to uphold - Steve had been the king once and what would stop you from seeing that he was better for you than Billy would ever be?

Billy had never had to deal with feelings of insufficiency before, and he wasn't quite sure what to do. washed away as quickly as they had arrived though, he felt himself calm when you came closer and fixed his collar for him. his breath fanning against your neck as you reached to unfurl the collar, his warmth enveloped you and it took everything in you to hold back.

blissed out from just that moment, Billy took a few seconds to realise there was something in your hand before asking, eyeing the kids behind you.

"there's a fair coming nearby!" El butted in, earning a ruffle of her hair from you and a slight smile from Billy - he had to admit she was cute sometimes.

"and obviously, we're going," you proposed, half asking, half demanding.

Steve smirked at the way you placed a hand on Billy's chest, unconcerned at the glare he received from Billy as a result.

"I'm off, come on kids, you can come to mine," Steve announced, giving you a smile that just reeked of 'tell him you pussy'.

a few goodbyes were said and hugs were given, and then you were alone with Billy, Max clambering into the car to give you a minute. perhaps even she could sense what was going to happen.

Billy simply raised an eyebrow having clearly worked out there was something on your mind.

"Billy, I've been wanting to say it for a while and I wasn't really sure how you'd react, but," hot, red and fast, Billy could feel his blood pulsating as the words tumbled from your lips, but he couldn't stop looking at them.

"I wanted to know if you'd go to the fair with me, as more than just friends? I get it if not, but I like you a lot and it's kinda..."

before you could finish your sentence, Billy was asking if he could kiss you, ignoring everyone around you.

soft, warm and comforting, his lips against yours convinced you you had no reason to be nervous. the kiss quickly deepened, your hands laced through his hair and his settled on your waist.

"God I've waited too long for this," he whispered into your neck.

[uomo-accattivante]

I recently came across a bunch of press articles and photos about Oscar Isaac that are so old, they appear to be out-of-print and pre-date social media. Considering they were probably never digitally transcribed for internet access, I’m guessing that the majority of current fans have never seen this stuff.

Even though a lot of these digital scans are challenging to read because they are the original fuzzy news print, I think there some gems worth sharing with you guys. Over the next several weeks, I will transcribe and share those gems on this page. Hope you enjoy them!

Let’s start with this fantastic 2001 profile piece done before Oscar was accepted into Juilliard:

South Florida’s rising star isn’t just acting the part

By Christine Dolen - cdolen@herald.com

February 4, 2001

As fifth-graders at Westminster Christian School in Miami, Oscar Isaac and his classmates were asked to write a story as if they were animals on Noah’s Ark. Oscar turned in a seven-page play – with original music – from the perspective of a platypus. Then he starred in the production his teacher directed.

He hasn’t stopped expressing himself creatively since. Today, Isaac is one of South Florida’s busiest young theater actors, and certainly its hottest. And not just because he’s a slender five-feet nine-inches tall with an expressively handsome face and glistening brown eyes.

Since making his professional debut as a Cuban hustler in Sleepwalkers at Area Stage in July 1999, he has played an explosive Vietnam vet in Private Wars for Horizons Repertory, a pot-smoking slacker in This Is Our Youth at GableStage, another Cuban on the make in Praying With the Enemy at the Coconut Grove Playhouse, the entrancing narrator of Side Man at GableStage, a Havana-based writer in Arrivals and Departures for the new Oye Rep and, most recently, a young Fidel Castro in When It’s Cocktail Time in Cuba at New York’s Cherry Lane Theater.

Beginning Wednesday, he’ll be juggling five roles in City Theatre’s annual Winter Shorts festival, first at the Colony Theatre in Miami Beach, then at the Broward Center for the Performing Arts. But that is not all: During the two weeks he is doing Winter Shorts, he’ll also be playing dates with the punk-ska band The Blinking Underdogs (www.blinkingunderdogs.com), which features him as lead singer, guitarist and songwriter.

Oh, and he just got back from auditioning for New York’s prestigious Juilliard School of Drama.

All this for a guy a month shy of his 22nd birthday.

Sure, you could hate a guy who’s that talented, that charismatic, that transparently ambitious. But the people who have worked with Oscar Isaac don’t. On the contrary, they’re all sure he has it – that magical, can’t-be-taught thing that transforms an actor into a star.

Playwright Eduardo Machado, who put in a good word for Isaac at Juilliard, says “he does have that star quality that makes your eyes go to him. It’s great that someone with that talent still wants to train.”

“He has a star quality that’s rare in a young actor,” adds Joseph Adler, who directed him in Side Man and This Is Our Youth. “Without a doubt I expect to be hearing great things from him.”

‘I JUST LOVE CREATING’

Isaac, who also makes short films, can’t say exactly why he was attracted to acting. He just knows it makes him happier than anything, that it’s what he was meant to do. And he’s been doing it since he was a 4-year-old putting on plays in his family’s backyard with his sister Nicole.

“I just love creating, whether it’s music or films or a character on a stage. I love taking people for a ride,” he says. “In Side Man, every night I would love being that close to the audience. I felt like I was talking to 80 of my closest friends.

“I could feel what the audience was feeling.”

His powerful, mournful-yet-loving monologue near the end of the play, he said, “worked every night. I knew it would get them. I’d hear sniffles.

“But it had less to do with me than with the atmosphere [created by the playwright and director].”

You could understand if Isaac, surrounded as he is by praise and possibility, had an ego as burgeoning as his career. Instead, he channels the positive reinforcement into confidence about his work.

“He has such a charm and an ease onstage, but he’s very modest,” says New York-based actress Judith Delgado, who shared the stage with Isaac in Side Man. “He’s hungry. He’s got moxie. I was blown away by him.

“He saved me a couple of times. I went up [forgot a line] and that baby boy of mine came through. He’s a joy.”

FORGING HIS OWN PATH

The son of a Cuban-American father and a Guatemalan mother, Isaac was never a stellar student. But he found ways of turning routine assignments – like the Noah’s Ark story – into creative challenges.

His science reports were inevitably video documentaries underscored with punk music. He acted through middle and high school, though he had a falling out with his drama teacher at Santaluces Community High in Lantana over his misgivings about a character. When she refused to cast him in anything else, he got his English teacher to let him play the dentist in Little Shop of Horrors his senior year.

His skepticism about authority and love of playing the devil’s advocate have long made him resist doing things the usual way. His post-high school “training” consisted of one semester at Miami-Dade Community College’s South Campus (where he met his girlfriend, Maria Miranda), touring schools playing an abusive character in the Coconut Grove Playhouse’s Breaking the Cycle, and working as a transporter of bodies at Baptist Hospital, where he absorbed the drama of people in emotionally intense situations.

“It was the most magnificent dramatic institute I could’ve attended,” Isaac said. “I was able to observe the entire spectrum of human emotion, people under the most extreme duress. I was mesmerized watching the way people interacted with each other in such heightened situations.

“I learned everything about the human condition, and it was real and harsh and brutally honest.”

Yet even given his propensity for forging his own path, something nudged him another direction while he was in New York making his Off-Broadway debut in December. Walking by Juilliard one day, he impulsively went in to ask for an application. Though the application deadline had passed, Isaac persuaded Juilliard to accept his, noting in his application essay that most of the exceptional actors he admires had acquired “a brutally efficient technique” to enhance their talent by studying at places like Juilliard.

Though he won’t know whether he has been accepted until the end of this month, his audition last weekend went well, he says. He did monologues from Henry IV, Part I and Dancing at Lughnasa, adjusting his Shakespearean Hotspur to a more fiery temperature at the suggestion of Michael Kahn, head of Juilliard’s acting program – though not without arguing that Hotspur wouldn’t be speaking to the king that way.

Isaac, not surprisingly, loves a good debate.

Adler, GableStage’s artistic director and a man who is as liberal as Isaac once was conservative, savored the verbal jousting they did during rehearsals for Side Man.

“He knows exactly how to pull my chain,” Adler says with a laugh. “Intelligence is the cornerstone of all great actors, and he’s bright as hell.

“He has relentless ambition but with so much charm. He’s very hard to say no to. He has incredible raw talent and magnetism that is very rare in a young actor along with relentless energy, perseverance and ambition. I see his growth both onstage and off. He’s mature in both places.”

Part of his growth, of course, will necessarily involve dealing with the rejections that are part of any actor’s life. His career is still too new, his string of successes solid, so it’s anyone’s guess how failure will shape him. But director Michael John Garcés, who picked him for When It’s Cocktail Time in Cuba after Isaac flew to New York at his own expense to compete with a pool of seasoned Manhattan actors for the role, believes his character will see him through.

“Oscar is realistic, but he’s so willing to go the whole nine yards,” Garcés says. “He didn’t go out when he was in the show here. His focus earned the respect of the other actors, some of whom have been working in New York for 30 years.

“He hasn’t had a lot of blows yet, when the career knocks the wind out of you. But he has talent, determination and focus, and if he has perseverance – my intuition is that he does have it – he could achieve a lot.”

FAMILY TIES

His father and namesake, Baptist Hospital intensive-care physician Oscar Isaac Hernandez, couldn’t be more proud. (Isaac doesn’t use the family surname in order to avoid, in his words, being “put in that Hispanic actor box.”)

“I’m ecstatic that he’s probably going to be going to the most prestigious drama school in the United States,” he says. “School will help him focus his energies and give him discipline. He’s got the raw material and the drive.”

Isaac’s mother, Maria, divorced from his father since 1992, is a kidney-transplant recipient who acknowledges that she’ll miss her son if he moves to New York. But, she adds, she wants him “to live out his dreams. He amazes me every day. He calls me every day. I’m very proud of him.”

Even the other guys in The Blinking Underdogs are fans of Isaac’s acting, though it could take him away from South Florida just as the band appears to be, Isaac says, on the brink of signing a recording deal (it has already put out its own CD, The Last Word, with songs, lead vocals and even cover photography by Isaac.

“Oscar’s the leader of the band, a great musician who amazes me and motivates us,” says sax player Keith Cooper. “I’ve been to see every one of his plays. He’s a phenomenal actor.

“I completely buy into his role in every play. As close as I am to him, I forget it’s Oscar.”

His South Florida theater colleagues credit that to Isaac’s insatiable desire to learn and grow.

Gail Garrisan, who is directing him in Donnie and One of the Great Ones for Winter Shorts, observes, “It’s not often that you find a young actor who is willing to listen and who doesn’t think he knows everything. He loves the work.

“He really brought the young man in Side Man to life. When I saw it in New York, it seemed to be the father’s play. When I saw it here, I felt it was his [Isaac’s] play.”

Oye Rep’s John Rodaz, whom Isaac calls “the best director I’ve ever worked with,” gave the actor his first important job in Sleepwalkers at Area Stage. They met when Isaac came to see Area’s production of Oleanna and the actor, knowing Rodaz ran the theater, introduced himself.

“He has so much energy and such a sparkling personality,” Rodaz says. “He knows how to move in the world. He seems to take advantage of every situation in a good way; he’s not a cold, calculating person who’ll stab you in the back.

“[But] he wants it so badly. Everything he does, he’s the leader. When I was 21, I was taking naps.”

Rodaz coached Isaac on his Juilliard monologues and found the experience energizing.

“I got chills just watching him. That happens so rarely. I was so exhilarated when I came home that I just had to go out and run. You just know he’s got all the tools.”

Christine Dolen is The Herald’s theater critic.

###

[quillandink333]

Scarlet Carnations ~ Part IV

BotW Link X Zelda ~ Detective AU

Rating: T

Word Count: 5.1k

WARNINGS: death, murder, loss, trauma, blood and gore, terrorism, organized crime, self-harm

Summary: Inspector Zelda Hyrule, assisted by the faithful Constable Link Fyori, is infamous for cracking the most confounding of cases in a town dominated by crime. Her latest assignment is to solve the murder of her own godmother, Impa Sheikah, the late CEO of Sheikah Tech. Incorporated, while staying under the radar of the dreaded Yiga organization.

Part I • Part II • Part III • Part IV • Part V • Part VI • Part VII • Epilogue • Masterlist

It was nine o’clock in the morning, two days after I’d made my arrest, and Paya’s trial was in its opening stages. I was watching from the gallery. Normally, as the one running the investigations, I would be the first witness to take the stand, but today, for whatever reason, the lead prosecutor, Urbosa Sigatur, planned to summon me second after Auntie Purah. Urbosa was far from a stranger to me, however. She and I had collaborated on several cases in the past, and she shared with me many of my own ideals. She’d once even known my mother before her untimely demise. And so I decided not to question her judgment, however unconventional it may have seemed.

The prosecution’s opening statement had been based on the fact that the stolen Sheikah Slate, along with a bloodstained bullet, had been found in the defendant’s room, which, until recently, hadn’t been searched as it had been deemed irrelevant to the case. With these conclusive pieces of evidence, she’d stated, the defendant had been charged with both the theft of the Slate and the murder of its owner, Impa Sheikah.

The stolen object was the most central piece of evidence in the prosecution’s case. It had once been a target of my own immense interest, even before its theft. But that had all changed following its recovery. The riddle, though having been solved by means of professional reprogramming, still made little sense to me if any. “Carnation” was its answer, according to Auntie Purah herself. Much to my dismay, the secrets that the riddle had supposedly kept hidden had turned out to be nothing but my own fantasy. Every last piece of data that had once been stored in the Slate had been deleted, meaning the possibility of proving a motive for its theft was next to nonexistent. The only thing left in its memory was a diary entry, written by Auntie Impa the day before her murder. This in itself, however, held the potential to serve as a lead to her killer’s identity, at the very least.

The diary entry, as projected onto the courtroom wall by the Slate, went,

“Today was the first day of Zelda’s holiday visit. It is hard to believe that the last long term visit she paid us was already over a year ago. We have all missed her dearly. She seems as interested in my sister’s work as ever. It brought me joy to see the two of them bonding over their shared passion once again.

“However I must admit, I would still love for her to also spend some quality time with Paya some day soon. I sensed some resentment coming from her directed at my dear granddaughter. Perhaps it is something to do with that boy. Either way, it seems their relationship has hardly changed since she left the nest.

“I cannot say for certain whether anyone will ever be able to read this, but I have faith that Purah will figure it out. I am no good with machines like these, but I believe in her. At any rate, I hope she is the one who gets to read this message, but in the event that it happens to fall into the wrong hands, I will sign off here.”

With this, the prosecution’s argument, though a bit scattered across several different points, seemed sturdy enough so far. That Auntie Impa had seemingly known that her life would be taken the following night after writing her final message, combined with the fact that she’d received no threats from the outside world up until then, was one of the strongest pieces of evidence in our arsenal.

Paya’s defence lawyer, one Revali Twii, had made several attempts to dismantle her argument by claiming she had no possible way of knowing whether or not the victim had received a threat from outside the estate by phone. These attacks were easily deflected. As a foreigner to this city, Mr. Twii had been unaware that, thanks to the Sheikahs’ company, household phones here were all equipped with recording devices. Naturally, Ms. Sigatur had already listened to each recorded call since a month before the murder and had detected no discernible threat in any of them.

And yet in spite of all that, the argument shifted heavily in favour of the defence when it then carried out his cross examination. With how confidently Urbosa had stated her case, I never could’ve imagined how easy it would be for the opposing side to shatter it into countless, tiny pieces.

Mr. Twii’s primary line of questioning was a solid one, to say the least. He concurred with my deduction as presented by Ms. Sigatur that the parlour indeed was not the true scene of the crime. However, he claimed that the real crime scene could not possibly have been the defendant’s bedroom either. His basis for this was the gunshot. Paya’s room was in the same hallway that the sleeping quarters of the current witness, Auntie Purah, as well as myself, were in. Mr. Twii had her testify about the sound of the gunshot that she’d heard. In addition to the fact that it hadn’t seemed loud enough to have come from the very next room over, she’d only heard it once: from the parlour.

No doubt he intended to question me about the same thing when the time came for me to take the stand. I’d been itching to speak my mind and set things straight so badly that I’d had to cross my legs just to keep myself from getting up too soon by the time court was finally adjourned for a half-hour recess.

Now the prosecutor and I were together in a private room reserved for witness prepping. Normally I did just fine testifying on my own, but in this trial, everything was at stake, and I couldn’t seem to stop my heart from racing no matter what I tried. Thankfully I had Urbosa here, and simply talking with her had done much to calm my nerves already.

“You’re originally from out of town too, aren’t you?” I noted, thinking back on her performance.

“That I may be, but unlike that lawyer, I’ve spent enough time here to know of the perils this city is facing, and who’s been holding it together in spite of all that.”

“Right.” My lips rested against the curve of my index as my leg bounced restlessly underneath the table. “That schmuck really doesn’t have a clue, does he?”

“No, not likely. Though he’s quite the formidable opponent, I must say.” She leaned back in her chair, looking pensive, but not the least bit agitated. “My case took quite the beating out there.”

My heart rate was starting to pick up again. “You don’t think you’ll...lose...do you?”

“Who, me? Lose?” She let out a hearty bout of chuckles. “Young lady, are you quite sure you know who you’re speaking to?” I returned her laughter halfheartedly, unable to shake the foreboding feeling lying at the pit of my stomach. Urbosa cleared her throat, preserving her calm smile. “All jokes aside, I wouldn’t worry even if we do end up losing this one. The true criminal is still out there somewhere, and there is no such thing as a perfect crime.”

“I suppose...” Perfect crimes may not have existed, but neither did perfect investigations. If they ruled Paya out as a suspect, then only one other, “safe” option would remain.

“Alright, out with it. What’s on your mind?” Her hand had landed on my shoulder as she’d reached across the desk, over my half empty glass of water. “And why are you so set on getting Paya convicted, if I might ask? Sibling rivalry is one thing, but this is...”

I avoided her perceptive gaze, staring intently at the latch on my bag. What could I possibly tell her? “It’s just,” I stalled, eventually settling for a vague, “I’m running out of time.”

After a long pause, she leaned back, letting go of my arm. “I see. Well, whatever it is, know that I’ll be on your side no matter what, little bird.”

Oh, if only she’d known.

“So to sum up, you were outstandingly negligent in your investigation of the defendant’s bedroom.”

My jaw unhinged at what I’d just heard come out of the attorney’s mouth. I’d just finished giving him an explanation of my findings in as much detail as I could, during which time he’d been surprisingly polite, until now.

“You likely saw the Slate along with the bullet and made your arrest right then and there. You didn’t even stop to consider the possibility that you hadn’t found all there’d been to find in that room, did you?” I opened my mouth to respond, but he cut me off again. “In fact, I’m willing to bet you didn’t even attempt to look for the murder weapon.”

“Excuse me, Sir,” I retaliated with chest puffed up, “but my team and I searched the property from top to bottom, repeatedly, for two whole weeks, and—”

“Yes, I am well aware. However, you failed to complete a thorough search of this so-called ‘true crime scene’ before you arrested Ms. Sheikah. Do you deny it?”

I was floundering for words. Why bother questioning me if he merely intended to cut me off and answer his own questions? “I-I...”

“Objection.”

All eyes fell upon the prosecution. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

“The defence is harassing the witness, Your Honour.”

The judge gave a slow, considerate nod of his head. “Objection sustained.”

Twii gave Urbosa a subtle but unmistakable side-eye. I thanked her silently. “Speaking of the murder weapon,” he continued in his signature, holier-than-thou tone, “I have here Exhibit F: a list of traits possessed by the elusive firearm responsible for the victim’s life.”

This wasn’t good. The list in question had been compiled by the prosecution based on traits of the fatal wound revealed by the autopsy, as well as other traits shared by the two bullets that were found at the estate. It contained information like its .38 caliber and that it had likely been fired twice at point blank, to name a few examples.

“My question for you, witness, is the following. What did you find during your ‘investigation’ regarding the weapon?”

This was fine, I kept telling myself. He still had yet to present the most fatal piece of evidence in the record. “As I’ve said before, none of our searches turned up any sign of it, other than what’s listed on that piece of paper you’re holding.”

“Is that so?” The sarcasm rooted in his voice had me sweating bullets. “In that case, Ms. Hyrule, I’d like to turn your attention to this passage here at the bottom.”

That was “Inspector Hyrule” to him, but of course, he couldn’t care less for such trifling things as common decency.

But when I read over the passage at which he was pointing, my throat closed up.

“Allow me to read it aloud for the court.” He snobbishly cleared his throat. “And I quote, ‘The murder weapon and the circumstances surrounding it strongly suggest an Octoric M&P revolver,’ end quote. I’d also like to add that this particular model is favoured by the district bureau of police, who issue them out to many of their detectives for self-defence.”

I gritted my teeth, annunciating each word as I spat, “Get to the point.”

The smarmy bastard was hardly even phased by my unmasked hostility. “Now, now, Ms. Hyrule, you’ve no reason to worry,” he waved off. “After all, I have no intention of accusing you.”

When he spoke that last word, my heart stopped, and deep down, I knew it was over.

“Firstly I wish for you to clarify a few things for me, as you were one of the first to discover the scene of the murder when it happened.”

I gave a slow, strenuous nod, losing strength in my knees by the second, but standing my ground all the same. “Go on.”

“The defendant showed no sign of having a gun on or anywhere near her person when you arrived, correct?”

“Correct,” I lied.

“Good. Now that we’ve established that the defendant was unarmed, I’d like to present another piece of evidence.” He laid out flat a second sheet of paper on the stand in front of me. “Exhibit H. This is part of a record kept by the precinct where the witness is currently employed, alongside the rest of her team. It details a list of the firearms given out to detectives each day, as well as the time when each one was issued and when it was returned to custody at the end of its designated officer’s shift.”

And there it was. I’d known all along that it had only been a matter of time until he’d bring out this piece of evidence, but, evidently, I’d failed to prepare myself mentally for this. Perhaps a part of me had hoped not to be on the stand when it happened. All I could do now was hold my peace and pray that it wouldn’t get worse from here.

“This page corresponds with the day before the murder. Now, Ms. Hyrule,” he addressed, summoning a swarm of butterflies in my stomach, “I’m sure you’ll recognize this badge number here. Would you please read it aloud for me?”

I swallowed my nerves and did as he’d requested. “FB7732Z438LL.”

“Thank you.” He flashed me that shit-eating grin of his. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the number belonging to one Constable Link Fyori, the witness’ very own investigative partner.” A few whispers drifted through the gallery following that announcement. “One who reads this will also notice that, after his revolver was issued out to him the morning before the murder, it was never returned to the precinct’s custody thereafter. In fact, it is still missing to this day.”

With this, the whispers grew in number, creating a din of distrust that had the attorney smirking from ear to ear.

“Objection.”

The whispering dissipated. Twii’s shoulders sagged as he hypocritically shot Urbosa a look that said, “What now?”

“Mr. Twii, how is this relevant? Unless you have definitive proof linking Constable Fyori to the crime, I see no point in bringing it up.”

The judge gave a pound of his gavel with a bone-chilling shake of his head. “Overruled. The court will allow the defence to continue, provided that it has good reason.”

My mouth fell open, and so had Urbosa’s.

“Thank you, Your Honour. I was just getting to that, my good prosecutor.” Now even she seemed on edge. The tension in the air was thick enough to cut through with a knife. “I may not have proof as things stand currently. However, that is about to change. You see, I have reason to believe that our witness here is covering for someone.”

The courtroom broke out into an even louder din of murmurs, as if I couldn’t clearly hear each backhanded remark the members of the gallery were making at my expense.

The pounding of the judge’s gavel echoed throughout the room, and the whispering ceased once again.

“You must be mistaken.” I stood as tall as I could with how close my legs were to giving up on me. “I happen to be one of the most trusted detectives in the force. Why do you think I was put in charge of this case despite being one of the first on the scene?”

“Ah, but that, dear witness, was your superiors’ fatal mistake.”

Damn that solicitor. “What do you mean?”

“Although my client has elected not to testify to the court, she has let me in on a certain piece of information—one that I believe will make the jaws of everyone here drop to the floor.”

Surely not. Surely even she wouldn’t dare stoop so low.

“Inspector...” The attorney looked me dead in the eyes. The air was suffocating. “What do you have in your briefcase?”

Everyone was staring at me and murmuring amongst themselves, more raucously than ever before, like I was the one on trial.

“N-No, it’s—it’s not what it seems,” I wavered. Then mustering my shattered courage, “You!” I pointed my finger at Twii. “Prove to me that the defendant wasn’t lying. I demand to see proof!”

But my demands were met with silence. Even Urbosa was looking at me with cold contempt and disappointment.

“Bailiff.”

An officer appeared from the sidelines. He seized my bag.

“Wait, stop!”

I tried to wrest it from his grasp, but he was too strong. I watched helplessly as he opened it up, reaching in and revealing the murder weapon for all to see.

“No...!”

“Bailiff, what is the number engraved on that weapon?”

He seemed to recite the number in slow motion, twisting the knife with every digit. “FB7732Z438LL.”

“No, please!” I screamed. “It wasn’t him, he’s been framed! Please, Your Honour, you have to believe me!”

Amidst the roar of the crowd, I saw the conclusive shake of the judge’s head. With a pound of his gavel, he said, “I hereby order the immediate detainment of Link Fyori under the charge of first degree murder.”

I met eyes with my partner but half a second before I saw him be dragged out of his seat with brute force.

“No!”

“As for this witness, she shall receive her sentence after being questioned by the police for the concealing of evidence, contempt of court, and perjury.”

I cried out when an overwhelming pain shot through my arm. My family watched from the gallery in either horror or disgust, or a mixture of both perhaps. I tried with all my might just to get the bailiff to stop hurting me, but it was futile.

“Your Honour, just a moment please.”

With the judge’s approval, the man’s grip on my arm lightened up. The one who’d spoken had been none other than that wretched defence attorney.

“Inspector, if you don’t mind, I have one more question to ask you.”

I held my breath, bracing myself. Though there wasn’t much he could say at this point that could possibly make the situation worse.

“Why?” he finally asked. “Why did you feel the need to conceal such a critical piece of evidence?”

My entire face boiled over with heat. I looked around, taking in the courtroom’s atmosphere, and my whole being was filled to the brim with indescribable anger and shame. Barely able to swallow the charged whimper lodged at the cusp of my throat, I choked out the words, “No comment.”

The trial had ended while I’d still been in the middle of interrogation by my own peers. I was lucky enough to get off with a fine, but it was because of that hour-and-a-half-long lecture that I only found out about Paya’s “not guilty” verdict after the entire courtroom had been cleared out. This was no surprise to me, of course, but still a disappointment, to put it lightly. What was a surprise was that no one, not Paya, nor Auntie Purah, nor even Urbosa, had bothered to wait for me.

That was fine. They could think whatever they wanted of me. I’d simply have to redeem myself by proving Link’s innocence in his trial.

It was to this end that I made my way to the district’s Centre of Detention.

When Link appeared behind the iron bars of the visitors’ room, he was already sporting a worn and faded prisoner’s uniform, surely having just undergone an interrogation of his own. Though, from the looks of him, his had been considerably more thorough than mine.

I cleared my throat. “Hello, Link.”

“Hello,” he replied.

Deathly silence filled the air. The harsh ticking of the clock on the wall behind me was slowly starting to crawl under my skin.

“They, uhm...didn’t go easy on you, eh?”

He shook his head, eyes wandering without aim.

Why did it have to be so hard to talk to him sometimes? He’d never been so unapproachable back in our days as teenagers. Though now, I supposed, recent events were only making things even more difficult for me than usual.

“Look...” I took a deep breath, shifting in my seat. “I’m sorry. Alright? I couldn’t cover for you forever. They were bound to find out eventually. Please, don’t be upset.”

“What? Zelda...” His demeanour morphed from listless to urgent, almost apologetic, as he struggled to find his voice. “Why would I be upset with you? I never asked you to cover for me in the first place.”

“I know.” Now it was I who couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes. “I just knew that you couldn’t have possibly... I mean, you would never—”

“I didn’t.”

He’d caught me with my mouth hanging open, when he’d cut me off.

“I didn’t kill her. I promise you.”

Of course he hadn’t. It was obvious, even though the revolver had borne no fingerprints and, with the gloves that he always wore, he wouldn’t have left any. What motive could he have had? He was an amnesiac, and even if he hadn’t been, he still wouldn’t have had a reason to kill my godmother.

I took out my pen and notebook, the only things left in my case that hadn’t been confiscated. “Tell me what you know, Link. Everything.”

A beat. Then he straightened his posture and began to explain his side of the story. As it turned out, my intuition had been spot on. This whole mess was the design of the Yiga organization. Link told me about his encounter with them before the murder. They had blackmailed him into surrendering his revolver to them, after which he would never see it again.

Though, even without a hint of deceit in his tone or manner, I had questions about the means by which the Yiga had blackmailed him. He had virtually nothing to lose. Didn’t he?

In any case, I honestly had considered showing him the gun that I’d found on the scene that night, but somehow I’d had the distinct impression that he’d known nothing about it, despite the very object in question belonging to him. I’d thought perhaps someone from the organization had switched out his weapon for another without his noticing. It was no secret that even the police bureau was infested with their ilk. In the end, I hadn’t been far off the mark.

The whole time he spoke, he had his head lowered, hair falling in front of his eyes, as if something were holding them back from meeting mine. Then he muttered, “When I had my encounter with the organization, I...remembered.”

His limited annunciation meant I had to take a moment to decipher the syllables of the last word he’d uttered. Then they sank in. “Wait. What? You mean you...” It felt beyond strange to even speak the words after so long. “You got your memory back?”

He lowered his head further. Was that a nod?

My mind went back to what he’d said to me on that one occasion in the office, not long after this whole mess had first begun. “Link, you...” My hands curled into themselves around the strap of my satchel. “All this time...why didn’t you tell me?”

“I couldn’t,” he pleaded. “It would’ve been a hindrance to the investigation.” I hated to admit it, but he was right. Dropping that bomb on me would only have thrown my conscience deeper into its already tangled web of turmoil.

Amidst all the questions swirling in my mind, one suddenly appeared, eclipsing all the rest. “Why did you disappear back then?”

At this, he finally looked up and met my gaze. But when he did, his eyes were wide, almost trembling. His look seemed to cast the whole room into a great, looming darkness.

“Oh, it’s...it’s okay if you’d prefer not to talk about—”

“No,” he exclaimed. “I must.” But the way his shoulders came up to meet his ears and how rapidly his chest rose and fell told me it wasn’t going to be an easy story to tell. “It was the Yi—” He choked on his words. “The...organization.”

There it was again. The name of the group I’d been chasing without rest ever since their appearance eighteen years prior. “I knew it...” I mumbled without thinking.

He steeled himself, then continued. “That day, my father was picking me and my sister up after school. Normally we would’ve ridden home with him in his automobile, but that morning, he and I had planned to surprise Aryll by getting...I think it was ice cream, on our way back. Anyway, we decided to walk home that day. But...” His face darkened yet again. “But then...”

Pressing him for more details would have been beyond cruel. I could only imagine the horrors that those blackguards had put him and his family through. “How many of them were there?”

“I’m not sure. All I know is that they had us outnumbered.” I nodded along, without thinking, as he continued his tale. “They were all armed with what looked like military grade shotguns, and they wore those masks with the inverted Sheikah family crest... I’ve always known that I’d seen that image somewhere before.”

No one knew why the organization had chosen this symbol for themselves, though I personally suspected it to be a show of opposition.

“Anyway, after they sh...shot father,” he struggled, a hand coming up to his now quavering lips, “they must’ve felt threatened by Aryll and me, because the next thing they did was...shoot her, too.” The way his tone had started to oscillate and how his face had drained itself of colour made my stomach churn. His anguish was so clear, it was devastating. “One of them had said something to the ends of, ‘We can’t have you scamps telling on us.’ But before they could...’shut me up’ as well, I fled.” Another pause. He kept on breathing. “I was too terrified to notice which way I was going. The whole time I ran, they kept firing at me. They were too reckless to aim properly, though, mind.”

“Well...that’s lucky, at least,” I tried. This was met with a sigh of reluctant agreement. “Still, how did you make it out of that with your life?”

“They stopped chasing me when I made it out of the back alleys and into the open,” he explained. “I suppose they couldn’t risk revealing themselves.”

Now it all made sense. Seven years ago, when he’d vanished without a trace, it was as though he’d never even existed in the first place. No one could get in contact with him or his family, and yet, no one batted an eye about it. It had seemed I’d been the only one who’d thought of it as anything less than perfectly normal. Just like when my mother had lost her life.

“We never had the chance to get ice cream that day.” He looked all but ready to burst into tears with that sentence. That was the moment I realized, no matter how drastically the last seven years of hell had changed him, there was still a fragment of that playful, hollow-legged sixteen-year-old left deep in his dark, forgotten core. If there was a way to bring that bright-eyed child back out into the light, I would find it, even if it spelled my demise.

Even so, there was one thing left that had yet to be explained. “What about your amnesia?”

“Ah...” His brow furrowed in thought. “I don’t know what caused that, to be honest with you.” He seemed to be racking his mind, but to no avail. “By the time those thugs finally gave up, I didn’t recognize my surroundings. I remember trying to find my way home, but I suppose I just ended up getting myself even more lost from there.” It was no wonder. The street names in this town were of little help in navigation, and it wasn’t hard to understand why he might have been apprehensive to ask for directions in such a bustling and hostile environment, especially after what he’d just been subjected to. “So I fell asleep in the streets that night,” he concluded with a shivering exhale. “The next morning, I woke up without the slightest notion of who I was.”

My heart took a plunge at the thought of his young self curled up in some alleyway, like a baby bird who’d fallen from the nest. “It must have been some sort of mental defence mechanism,” I conjectured. “That’s the only explanation I can come up with.” He slowly nodded his agreement. “After that, then, I suppose the rest is history.”

“Indeed...”

The visitors’ room fell into a deep, reflective silence, one nothing like that which had had me gasping for air moments ago. I watched the weary feelings of dread swim in his once bright blue eyes, tearing him apart.

He’d spent five whole years in that cold, cramped ward without even a name by which to call himself. And now we were back where we’d started. He may have regained his memories in the end, but at what cost?

I no longer felt the need to hunt down those who had wronged me. Now, my only desire was to slip between the bars that stood between the two of us and whisk him away to a far off land, where no one would ever hurt us again. But I pushed the impossible daydream aside. Even if escape were an option, we’d only be running straight out into range of Yiga fire.

“After your trial tomorrow...well, at the very least, I’ll lose my badge,” I smiled waywardly. Then, letting it fade and rolling my shoulders back, “Until then, I swear, I’ll do everything within my power to prove your innocence. Then we can go out for ice cream together.”

His eyes shimmered with unshed tears when he looked up at me then. Now that I thought about it, this seemed like the first time I’d ever seen him come close to crying, even in the time before the incident. Of course, he’d seen me in tears countless times back then. I wondered if he remembered them.

“Zelda...?” My name had started to leave his lips with conviction, but weakened on its way out. “There’s...something else I should tell you.”

“Anything.”

Just then, I caught him straightening out the cuff of his black-barred sleeve, concealing the fair skin of his wrist, out of the corner of my eye. “Never mind.” He again cast his gaze downwards, muttering an inaudible, “It’s nothing,” under his breath.

[script-nef]

Fluff alphabets | Hinata Shouyou

Others: Kageyama, Oikawa,  Tsukishima

Category: fluff

Affection: How affectionate is he? How does he show affection?

Hinata constantly wants to be holding you in any way available to him. He shows his love for you through countless kisses, hugs, texts, phone calls—just about anything.

He’s not afraid to proclaim his affection for you on live TV or in interviews but that subsequently means a lot of articles are written about you. Every single one of them is about how much of a doting and loving boyfriend is.

Baby: Does he want to start a family?

Yes.

Children between you and him? Of course he wants them! He’ll wish for them to be carbon copies of you because you’re the best person he knows and by his logic, that means his children will also be the best!

Thanks to his experience with Natsu, he’s skilled in taking care of babies and showers them in endless love. Would spend all of his spare time with you and the kids and every other parent will be envious of you.

Cuddles: Does he like cuddling? How often does he like hugging?

Hinata leaps at any chance to be around you.

He’ll use the most trivial excuse or reason to hug you: you look down, I’m hungry, your hair was flying around and you looked pretty, I wanted to check if your shampoo changed and whatnot.

You pointed out that since you’re going out with him, he doesn’t really need an excuse you cuddle with you. That made a lightbulb spark and now he just attacks you with surprise hugs whenever he wants.

Date: What is a typical date?

Exploring hidden corners of the city. This boy cannot sit still and requires physical activities or he’s going to go insane with the amount of energy that stockpiles.

He would scour them online or get some recommendations from friends when visiting their cities, or even his fans in the form of comments. It would mainly be cafés/restaurants or trinket shops so he can buy you loads of presents.

Experience: How much has he dated before? How does that reflect in this one?

He was an adult when he met you and he went out once or twice before, but it didn’t go for very long. This relationship with you is the longest yet!

He learnt bits and pieces from his previous relationships like how to treat your significant other and what not to do when dating, but it’s mostly useless since he’s somehow very intuitive in this area.

Fight: Do you fight often with him? How does it usually end?

Fights are incredibly rare, nearly none each year. The fact that you’re both so understanding and kind plays a factor. 

He also hates fighting with you because he believes every moment with the person he loves needs to be happy, even though that’s unrealistic.

He’s incredibly stubborn and will argue with you if he thinks he’s right. The fight can drag out for days but you eventually reconcile through talking and spend the rest of the day cuddling.

Gentle: How does he treat you?

Hinata isn’t gentle, despite popular beliefs. He’s driven by his emotions way too much and won’t realise when he’s putting physical pressure on you. Of course, he’ll back off once you say it.

Once he realises you’ve been saying that a lot, he’ll try to restrain himself but it doesn’t work. The second he sees you it’s just “!!!! [Name]!!!” and all control is chucked out the window.

Hand: Does he like holding your hand? How often?

When walking down the street or relaxing in the house, his hand is always glued onto yours. He uses it to tug and maneuver you around crowds and streets to arrive at your destination quickly.

Sometimes he draws little characters or writes with his thumb on your hand and asks what he wrote. It’s always things like simplified versions of your favourite anime characters or “I love you”

Impression: What was your first impression of him?

“Who is this absolute sunshine and how can I love him?”

Hinata tried to help you find your way after you were lost but he’s directionally challenged as well so… In conclusion, you spent around an hour walking aimlessly around the town. In that time, you somehow fell for him and asked for his phone number first. 

Even though it was obvious that he was as lost as you, he did his best to calm you down and led the way with unearned confidence which stole your heart.

Jealousy: Does he get jealous easily? What sets him off?

This boy cannot feel jealousy. At least in the romance area.

His heart is too wide and pure for any ugly emotions to rear their head in. If someone is constantly around you he’ll think “[Name] is so popular! I’m so happy everyone knows how cool they are!” and that’s it.

He’ll get kind of pouty if you say Kageyama is cool in front of him though. Hinata knows Kags is incomparable in volleyball skills so it’ll set his competitive fire even stronger.

Kiss: Is he good at kissing? When does he kiss you?

He likes innocent pecks all over your face whenever the mood strikes him. He doesn’t kiss deeper than that voluntarily. Sure, he’ll do it once you say it but not by himself.

He presses longer ones to your lips when he’s absolutely elated and cannot express his emotions in any other way. 

Love: Who said “I love you” first? And when does he say it?

Hinata said it first with such ease and energy. Like it was something obvious and common.

It was as he was leaving for his morning jog and you called after him to take a jacket. He kissed you on your forehead and yelled “I love you!” as he was slipping out of the door. It left you dumbstruck and frozen from your spot until you melted with a blush.

It was, of course, returned when he came back with tons of kisses and hugs.

Memory: What’s his favourite memory with you?

The moment he saw you after winning his first match with you watching from the crowd. His head snapped to you as soon as the last point for the match was won and you had the most dazzling smile on. 

It just filled him with such joy and happiness to see that you took the time out of your busy schedule to watch him. His heart basically just exploded when you hugged him afterwards and gushed about how amazing he was flying around.

You came to plenty of his matches after that, but nothing ever beat that rush of exhilaration he felt from the first time.

Nickname: Does he give you a nickname? Do you have one for him?

You have plenty for him: sunshine, love, tangerine, cutie, Shou, my light and more cheesy ones in private. He once asked you why you don’t call him those ones in public in front of all his friends and teammates while listing them off which basically killed you.

Once he realised that it was slightly embarrassing, he exclaimed that he loves hearing the nicknames in your voice and you should never be embarrassed. But he still understands if you don’t want to call him that.

His nicknames include shortening your name or adding “-chan” to the end of it.

Open: How open is he about his feelings?

So open. Hinata will shout how much he loves you from rooftops and mountain peaks if he feels like it. He never lets you doubt his love for you and constantly reassures you

The first time he mentioned you by “I’ll be back in time for dinner, [Name]-chan!” before running to the changing room made everyone double-take. After that, even when he received a scolding, he always says “I was able to perform better because [Name]-chan was cheering for me!” or something like that

PDA: Is he fine with PDA? How far can he go?

King of PDA right here, does not give a damn where you are. If you’re next to him and he wants to hug or kiss you? Then you’re going to receive them affections, there is no escape.

A private room of a restaurant, in the middle of a busy shopping centre, in a couple’s seat in the cinemas, nothing matters to him other than you.

Quirk: Habits or something he does which is unexpected?

Likes hiking in the afternoon. He started it first because the rough terrain would be a good workout for his leg muscles and help him in volleyball, but eventually does it whenever he’s feeling restless or bored. He’s super thankful that Japan is like, 70% mountains and tries to visit a new one every week.

Begs you to tag along because the scenery is wonderful and he wants to share it with you. Hinata wasn’t lying when he said the sunset was beautiful, the view is stunning.

Sometimes brings a picnic basket whenever you’re feeling a little down and feeds you a mountain worth of food while watching the sky change into red and orange.

Relax: What activities do you do with him to relax?

Playing video games together, often competing against each other.

Hinata received a variety of popular video games from Kenma a while back and is determined to clear all of them. He spends hours and hours of free time with you, glued on the sofa with you on his lap. It doesn’t really last though, since you wiggle and squirm so much during Mario Kart.

It usually starts in the afternoon until dinner, just hours and light competitiveness and fun. The loser usually has to clean up after the meal is finished.

Support: How supportive is he of your dreams? What do you do for him?

He’s like a serotonin boost that even being around him makes you feel more energised and motivated. Whenever you feel wiped out or exhausted, he’s right there to say positive things and encourage you to finish the assignment which is causing a massive migraine.

When you’re done, he’ll have some chocolate and warm tea to help you relax.

You pack him cute lunch boxes if you have time in the morning and put sticky notes of loving messages in it. His teammates get jealous when they see him giggling and texting you a response. 

But the best way to support him is to attend his matches and cheer for him.

Talk: What does he like talking about?

He loves talking to you about the experiences he had overseas. How different and free Brazil is, how lively and funny everyone is. Or the new players he met and trained with when he has practice matches against them.

He loves it when you talk about your childhood and all the things you went through before meeting him. There’s always something new to find out about you and he won’t stop until he knows every single detail about your life.

Umbrella: What’s his favourite weather/season?

Hinata’s favourite weather reflects his personality: a warm summer’s day. Not one of those unbearably hot and humid ones but one where the cool wind blows and the sun is pleasantly warm on your skin. 

He uses these days to go on a walk around the neighbourhood with you, mostly ending with a stroll around the park. Of course, he slathers on sunscreen on the both of you because safety first and he really needs to get rid of the remaining suncream from Brazil.

Vaunt: Does he like showing you off?

Hell yes, this boy flaunts you to everyone who’s willing to listen. Why wouldn’t he? You’re literally the best person he knows!

Not obnoxiously like “[Name]-chan is better than anyone else!” but more of a fanboy style. For instance: “I went to one of their presentations secretly and they were so eloquent and perfect, I can’t believe they’re dating me” like he isn’t one of the most sought after athletes in the entire country.

It’s to the point where his fans can recite facts about you and it leaves you confused.

“Shouyou, why does the public know all these things about me?” “Ummm…”

World: Where does he take you for vacation?

Definitely Brazil, specifically the same city he spent two years in. When he arrives, he’ll try to introduce you to all of his friends and acquaintances with the biggest smile.

He acts as a tour guide and shows you all the hidden favourite spots he found in his time there. Also teaches you some Portuguese and learns Spanish with you.

Of course, playing beach volleyball takes up a large amount of time over there. You joined in a couple of times even though your skills were considerably lacking than the other side.

It was mainly just for fun and experience (and ogling at Hinata ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))

X-ray: What happens when you’re injured or sick?

This is painful—because of his memory of The Fever, he always tries to keep his body in tip-top shape. So your concerns of him overworking himself or falling ill get reduced to a minimum.

If you’re the one that’s sick, then he’s by your bed 24/7, ready to do anything you want or need. He calls up Iwaizumi and his teammates for advice and writes everything down, following it to a T.

Yearn: How much does he miss/pine for you when apart?

So damn much. This boy misses you the moment he steps into the plane and texts you until the flight attendant tells him to put the device away. It’s mostly heart emojis and selfies so he can look at them while flying.

It becomes a ritual that no matter what, no matter the difference in time, you have to call each other at least 3 times a day. It doesn’t have to be meal times but it has to be at least 3 times.

If not, he’ll be sad for the rest of the day and sulk the entire time he’s off the court. Eventually, his teammates all call you to please help this moody wing spiker.

ZZZ: Does he have sleeping habits?

Fidgets and moves around a lot in his sleep. Always wakes up in a different position and he’s so confused and disorientated. 

This kind of makes it hard for you since you sleep together so the solution was: buy a king-sized bed. It was like a whole new experience.

It works well until he once pushed you off. Your yelp woke him up and he apologised so much and nearly cried even though you were laughing and said it was okay.

[iwachans-beefyarms]

Hey everyone! Ok so first off, I’m really sorry for being hella inactive, it’s been a rough few months with exams and stress and seasonal depression HAHA but i’m better now! Unfortunately tumblr decided to delete a lot of my requests so I’m opening requests up again, so please feel free to drop by!!! This was a fun story to write, and I personally really love Sakusa’s character. I was heavily motivated by @sachiwrites‘s take on his character so hope I did u proud >.< I was also gong through a really stressful time while writing this so I thought it would be interesting to see how the reader’s own stress and depression would affect her relationship with Sakusa, someone who already had his own setoff problems. Anyway, hope y’all enjoy!

Original request: Hiiii ! lately, sakusa stole my heart >< so iy would be nice of you to write something about him !! Like something angtsy but with a fluffy end please, love me some emotional rollercoaster ride ^^

Truthfully, Sakusa Kiyoomi was indebted to you. He was acutely aware of how difficult he could be to handle. In fact, he had fully prepared himself for a life of solitude by the time he graduated from middle school. Who would want to spend the rest of their life with a person as complicated and fastidious as him? More so than that, Sakusa could not fathom having to care for another person so intimately. While he would like to pretend that his reasons for never taking interest in the pursuit for a lover were entirely born out of his insecurities about himself, the truth was that he was honestly just entirely too selfish to bother with a committed, loving relationship. He was not prepared to nurse any potential lover if they ever fell sick, or to have to go on spontaneous and wild dates just to please them. There were too many compromises that made a healthy relationship and Sakusa was not interested in making any of them. Life was too much of a burden as it already was; there was no need to worsen the weight of it.

Which is why he was so surprised when you whisked into his life, dancing up a storm in his heart. When he had first met you, he was utterly and completely blown away. He had been alone at the back of his school’s building trying distressingly hard to slow his breathing. He was panting-- no, hyperventilating. It was a panic attack of course, something he had gone through many times in his life, and something he thought he should be used to. However, the frequent occurrences of this attack on his lungs did not prevent him from feeling like he was on the edge of death everytime they came. This is it, this is really it. He heard himself think, his inner voice booming against the walls of his skull. In his crouched position, he saw the movement of feet through his peripheral vision. Too preoccupied to care, he ignored the actions of this unknown person and continued to focus on getting his breathing back on track. He noticed them, a girl maybe, reaching into her bag and pulling out a small bottle. It looked like… sanitiser maybe?

“Hey, eyes on me okay?” She spoke, her voice coming out muffled and soft against the loudness of his own heartbeat. Stressed and confused, he looked up at her as she carefully applied the liquid on her hands. Her thorough and smooth movements somehow helped him as he realised his vision had started becoming a lot less blurry. She came down to his level, and gently took his hands into hers.

“Breathe, 1, 2, 3. Exhale, 1, 2, 3. Come on, I’ll do it with you,” She spoke again, her voice confident and commanding, as she rubbed small and firm circles around his hands with the bud of her thumb. They stayed that way for nearly twenty minutes before Sakusa’s breathing finally came down from being erratic to somewhat normal. He was still panting, but he could think clearly now and he no longer heard his own heart beating in his head. She had stopped holding him by then, thank God. When he finally mustered up the effort to speak, all he could say was, “Who?”

With a small smile you replied, “Y/n! I’m in the class next to yours and we’ve never really met but I remember seeing you around quite often, Saskusa.” He was quite surprised when he realised you remembered his name. In all honesty, he had never seen you before. Maybe he had but he normally couldn't care less about other people. He didn’t even remember the names of some of his own classmates so why would he bother with a stranger next door? Still, she had been kind enough to help him. Not only that, she seemed to be aware of his phobia and had accommodated to it, which was incredibly moving for him. In that moment he felt the rare feeling of gratitude grow in his chest.

“Thank you, you must be really attentive to have known to be so careful,” he whispered, voice still raspy.

“Not really, it’s kind of obvious,” she laughed nervously, as if she was trying not to offend. He wasn’t offended.

“Anyway, see you around!” She said cheerfully, after a couple of awkward minutes. “Don’t be a stranger,” she added while walking away. He didn’t bother gracing that with a response.

Your persistent personality was a catalyst for your friendship. The daily greetings and small-talk had forced him to get to know you better and, interestingly enough, he was not repulsed. He found out about that new book you were reading, and actually enjoyed it when he decided to give it a read. Also, it was a pleasant surprise when you told him that you used to play volleyball. So, your conversations grew longer and meetings became more frequent. Soon, he was meeting you after school on days he didn’t have practice and even spending his lunch breaks with you. You started to inch closer to him and began leaving soft, subtle touches on his skin. You were obviously trying to be discreet, but he was a person who was so painfully aware of everyone around him that of course he noticed. The surprising thing was that he didn’t mind. He knew you were hygienic enough for him to be comfortable so he began to let himself enjoy your affections.

When you confessed your feelings for him, he was not surprised. He knew from the beginning that you had a little crush on him and he even found it quite adorable. Had you asked him out a few weeks earlier, his answer would have been a hard no. However, getting to know you over the past few weeks had really changed his entire mindset about relationships. For the first time in his life, Sakusa felt like he could open himself up to someone. You had been kind enough to cater to his obsessive and exhausting personality. You were also completely comfortable with taking things slow. Above all that, you had an absolutely endearing personality. It was as if fate had intentionally sent you his way after torturing him for the past years, and he wasn’t one to let blessings like this slip away. So, when you confessed your feelings for him, he was not surprised. But you were, when he said yes.

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Dating Sakusa was going to be hard and you knew that from the very start. You weren’t naive, despite what your boyfriend might have thought. You paid him a lot of attention during the earlier stages of your friendship. You knew what he liked, what ticked him off, his pet peeves and at that point you could even tell his emotional state just by looking at the way his eyebrows moved when the rest of his face was covered by a mask. You also knew that the effort Sakusa put into your relationship was unparalleled to everything you had done for him. But, that was what you had signed up for. He had enough problems on his own trying to deal with the world with his own personal struggles so you strived to make life just a little bit easier for him.

However, after a certain point, you had to come to terms with the fact that you were your own person too. You were human too. It was easy to forget about yourself when you had been so invested in another person. The most difficult part of it all was being unable to see the fruition of all your efforts. You knew deep in your heart that Sakusa loved you. He let you kiss him, touch him and even let you sleep in the same bed as him at times. Despite that, you felt incredibly lonely in your relationship. Interacting with Sakusa started feeling almost burdensome. While your relationship had been quite a ride, built by reckless passions with bursts of feelings like joy, anger and love, you couldn’t help but feel a sense of staleness develop after a while.

It started very slowly. School had been getting ridiculously hard and Sakusa’s practices had been getting more frequent. Engulfed by the stresses of school, the two of you had gone nearly two weeks without properly speaking to each other. While Sakusa had seemingly remained unbothered, the realisation of that had completely shocked you. How could you go two weeks without any interaction with the person you loved, and not even notice it? The thing you felt most guilty about was actually the sense of peace you had experienced over those two weeks. Blindsided by your adoration for Sakusa, you hadn’t realised how draining it was being around him. When the two of you would spend time, you rarely ever took care of yourself. You’d clean the table for him when eating lunch at school because he absolutely refused to eat at those disgusting cafeteria tables, and would rather die than clean it himself. Hell, you’d even do a thorough cleaning of your own house just so Sakusa could come over and spend time with you. That, coupled with the natural angst that grows in you as a hormonal teenager, had caused you to grow more and more irritated with him.

Things you had previously found endearing about Sakusa now made your skin crawl. Even as your interactions grew less, you found yourself wanting to cry out in anger everytime he asked you to wash your hands before touching him. It was incredibly frustrating because all you wanted was some affection, and your boyfriend, of all people, couldn’t give that to you. It hurt because you had foolishly believed that if you could convince him that he was capable of being loved, he’d grow to be able to reciprocate those affections. But you were starting to feel scammed.

“Sakusa, do you want to go to that cafe I’ve been talking about?” You had asked one day, hoping to salvage your sinking relationship. He had to have noticed the drift, right? He’d want to fix it too, right?

“Huh? I don’t really feel like it…” He shuts you down just like that. Your hands are intertwined, as they usually were when you went home together, but for the first time, you untangle your fingers from his.

In hindsight, you realised that not all your feelings had been caused by your dysfunctional relationship. You had suspected that you were depressed months ago, but the problem had never been serious enough to warrant any major action so you ignored it. At least, that was what you told yourself. As time went by, it became nearly impossible to ignore. You couldn’t do your homework, you couldn’t sleep and eventually your appetite began to vanish. The rejection you felt from Sakusa had further sent you down a spiral of self-doubt. You hated yourself for being so selfish and you figured that maybe the reason Sakusa was drifting away from you was because it was you who wasn’t enough, not him.

It didn’t take long for your guilt to morph into anger once again. You had made no mention of your fractured state of mind to Sakusa, but it would not have taken a genius to figure out that you were not okay. Friends and teachers had approached you to check on you but the man you loved with every fibre of your being had never once mentioned anything to you. The two of you went about your days as you normally would. Little kisses hello and goodbye had become almost mechanical, and you cried yourself to sleep every night. You knew you should seek help soon, before it became even worse but you couldn’t bring yourself to overlook Sakusa’s indifference towards you.

You couldn’t brush your teeth. You stood in front of your bathroom mirror and furrowed your eyebrows at your reflection, toothbrush in hand. Why…? It’s just… move your hand…? It had been two days since you last showered. It physically hurt you to move and all you wanted to do was go back to bed. Still, being the responsible student you were, you went to school. You were late, none of your homework had been done but hey, at least you showed up. You knew your boyfriend was disgusted by your appearance because he had been avoiding you like a plague. You didn’t blame him, you looked as hideous as you felt. It felt like the end of your relationship was nearing and you shocked yourself with how relieving that felt. Maybe if you stopped seeing each other you could start feeling at least a little less miserable. Again, at least that was what you told yourself when you messaged him about wanting to talk.

When the two of you met at the rooftop where you had so often shared meals, the atmosphere was tense. It didn’t help that the afternoon sun was unforgiving and the air was humid. Your disheveled state in the heat made you want to claw your own skin out but you settled for subtly digging your nails into the palms of your hands. You had planned the conversation out thoroughly; first ask him how his day was, then let him down easy. The last thing you wanted to do was hurt him. You knew how difficult getting into a relationship was for him and you didn’t want to completely turn him off from ever dating again.

Yet, when you saw the unreadable expression on his face with his fingers impatiently tapping the sides of his legs, your anger triumphed any semblance of civility you had planned.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Your words come out much softer than you anticipated but your voice shook. You could tell he was surprised by the way his eyebrows shot up.

“What do you mean I --”

“Shut up and listen, where have you been? I needed you, do you even care?” You were obviously crying at this point but Sakusa remained stunned to silence. “Screw you, Sakusa. Seriously, screw you,” you interrupt, your emotions clearly messing with your vocabulary.

“I’m your girlfriend, not your maid. I’m not just there to clean up shit for you! I have a life, I have feelings and I have been so miserable and you haven’t said anything,” You’re rambling but it was hard to stop once it started. You felt your vision blut from the tears and felt the snot running down your chin but you didn’t care. If Sakusa couldn't handle you at your worst then he sure as hell didn’t deserve you at your best. You continued your rant and poured your heart out to him. Unwittingly, you express your grievances about your own state of mind to him. You had wanted to keep your condition to him a secret for so long but there was no turning back now. He deserved to feel guilty, to hate himself for being such a terrible friend.

“I warned you about setting expectations. I told you that I’m not that guy. Why are you surprised now?”

His words seemed sarcastic but the genuinity in his voice as he responded triggered you. He wasn’t even trying to be hurtful, you knew that much. It was the fact that he hadn’t even tried to change for you that really broke your heart. Even though you had told yourself that you didn’t feel anything anymore, that the break up would be a relief, nothing in your nearly two decades of living could have ever prepared you for the heartbreak you felt in that moment. Seriously, it felt like your heart was about to fall from your chest, and you had to physically clench your fist against your chest to keep yourself from falling apart. You weren’t crying anymore, and there was nothing left to say. So, you walked away, and Sakusa didn’t bother stopping you.

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Sakusa Kiyoomi was indebted to you, this he knew for a fact. You had forced him out of his shell and had inspired him to be better. He never knew he was capable of doing something even as trivial as kissing, but with you he had been able to open himself up to so much more. Hell, he had had sex for the first time with you, something he had previously been unable to even fathom. It wasn’t just his comfort zone that you had expanded, you changed him for better. He was less cold towards others and he learned to appreciate the little things.

He remembered going to the beach once while you were on a date. He hated the sand in his shoes and he didn’t even want to think about stepping into the ocean. But, you had begged and begged for weeks and he eventually had to give in to you because, although he would never admit to it, seeing you smile made his heart flutter. You had forced him to take his shoes off and stand in the sand with you. With your eyes closed and hands raised, he watched you smile radiantly at the sky. He was transfixed, staring at you because how could someone be so beautiful and full of life?

“I love the feeling of the sun on my skin, it’s like being kissed by the sky don’t you think?” You had turned to face him, hands still in the air. Your words took him by surprise because Sakusa had never really seen the sun as anything but a source of humidity and a catalyst for disease. But the way you looked at him, the way your eyes sparkled; he couldn’t help but love the sun a little more from that day.

He really did love you, even if he wasn’t the best at showing it. So when you started getting dull, he noticed it immediately. He probably noticed it even before you had. The problem lay in the fact that he had no idea what to do. He figured, if you really needed help you would ask. But he knew that was just a pathetic excuse to avoid any kind of confrontation. Sakusa, for all his self-confidence, was incredibly insecure about his relationship with you. He never expected to cultivate such intense devotion towards you, but he did. And his biggest fear was that one day, you’d realise you were worth so much more than Sakusa could have ever hoped to offer.  You were perfect and ethereal. Everybody loved you and it was almost like the sky became brighter when you were around. As the days went by, he found himself becoming more and more blinded by you. You had inspired him to get help, but he held himself back because of the fear that if you ever did grow wiser and left him, all his efforts would have been for naught. Truly, Sakusa believed that he would never love anyone the way he loved you, ever. The fear of losing you frightened him more than anything and he was too afraid to change any aspect of your relationship in case it ever disrupted the balance the two of you had created.

Things had started to change when you grew darker over time. He saw you deteriorate with his own eyes, but he couldn’t do anything. He didn’t want to do anything. He told himself it was because he was afraid of hurting you even more, but Sakusa felt deep down that it was his selfishness once again preventing him from ever going out of his way to care for someone. He reasoned that you were smart enough to have no expectation for him, that you knew he was a self-centred prick. But seeing you cry in front of him had really sobered him up. He hadn’t expected it to hurt so much when he saw you clutch your shirt as you fought back tears. When you walked away, he tried so hard to move towards you, to stop you, touch you-- anything, really. But his feet were grounded and all he could do was watch. Sakusa was nothing if not proactive, and he knew he had to do something quick, before the damage done was irreversible. With a quiet sigh muffled by his mask, he leaned his head back, face tilted toward the sky and let himself get lost in his thoughts.

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It had been two weeks since you spoke to Sakusa. You knew it was over but there had been a small part of you that had hoped he would approach you and you would both talk things out until everything went back to normal. Of course, that did not happen, and you were not surprised either. As much as you would like to believe in the romance of life that the media often tried to feed you, you were a realistic person who knew better than to have faith in some fantasy that only existed in your mind. At the same time, you were also, unfortunately, just a teenage girl whose heart refused to listen to her brain. Which was why, when your doorbell rang at 10pm that night, your heart skipped a beat in hopes that perhaps Sakusa had finally come to his senses and came to sweep you away.

What was more surprising than the fact that even after two weeks you still held some lingering hope that your ex-lover would come back to you was the fact that, indeed, it was him who stood at your front door. For a solid few seconds you could not move or say anything, as you took time to process the vision that was presented before you. Sakusa was wearing casual clothes and he sported his usual mask. However, it had been pushed down to collect at his neck, and you were gifted with the image of his whole face. His dark curls fell gracefully over his forehead and you noticed a slight sheen of sweat. Had he run here? What could he possibly want from you that was so urgent?

“Hello? Anyone home?” He asked. It took you a moment to realise he had just cracked a joke. Regaining your composure, you retort, “What the fuck do you want?” If he was hurt by your outburst, it certainly didn’t show.

“Look, before you say anything, please hear me out, okay?” He asked softly, taking a step towards you. Instinctively, you backed away. There was something different about him but you couldn’t place a finger on what it was exactly. His gaze on you felt stronger than ever, and he had a determined glint in his eyes that you had never seen before. You also noticed his posture. His shoulders were rolled back and he stood tall and proud, like he was so sure of himself. Whatever the source of his newfound confidence was, it made your heart hurt a little bit. You had been an absolute mess after the break up, while he had clearly been thriving.

“Sure. Whatever. Spit it out.”

“I love you, and I’m sorry for being such a jerk. I know I should have said this much earlier but I didn’t want you to think I was being insincere. I had to do something to prove to you how serious I was being,” He started, a small smile creeping on his face. You stared at him blankly, not understanding where this was going.

“Are you proposing…? Because I will say no!” You blurt out, panicking slightly. He blinked at you a couple times, obviously puzzled by your outburst. Then, he laughed. A full blown chortle. It was a rare Sakusa laugh that you had only witnessed a couple times before. With a big, bright smile, he shook his head and responded, “No, dumbass. I’ve been seeing a therapist.” The revelation was shocking, to say the least. But, before you could interrupt, he continued.

“When you left after our argument I realised how much I had been taking you for granted. I’m not good with expressing myself but I knew enough to realise that you’re the best damn thing that could have ever happened to me. You see, I knew this for a long time, I just don't know how to tell you. I don’t like people and I find relationships exhausting but with you, for the first time in my life, I want to try harder. I didn’t want to lose you. I spoke to my mother and she offered to take me to see a therapist. She had asked me before but I never felt the need to see one. But after our fight, I realised I had to grow up. I still generally hate people and I still don’t know how to say what I’m feeling. And I sure as hell still hate germs but, I’m willing to work towards getting better. For you. You deserve at least that. If you’re willing to take me back, I’d be lucky to have you with me while I do this.”

He ends his speech with his eyes still looking into yours, as if he was analysing your reaction. He had clearly rehearsed this, you could just tell. It was honestly quite cute and heartwarming because you couldn’t think of any other time Sakusa had tried this hard with you. Your chest swells with affection you had been repressing for the past couple of weeks as you grabbed his shirt and yanked him down to your lips. The kiss was sweet, and a little salty from the tears that escaped your eyes after his little speech. Sakusa wasted no time wrapping his arms around you as he pressed your body closer to him. You had become an expert at reading him since the start of your relationship and you could feel just how much he had missed you from the way he held you during that kiss. Pulling away, he let his hands slide up your arms and cup your face.

“Does this mean you forgive me?” He asks, breathless.

You weren’t an idiot. You knew things were going to be far from peachy. But for him, you were willing to risk the sun and the moon. You tell him this by taking his hands into yours and leaning up for another kiss.