#and my mums crying because. he said she wasnt supportive?

[chainsawworld]

???? My mum just barged into my room to have a cry because. My brother wants to dress up as a clown to his own party and doesn't really want to explain that to her?

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas, reg kin anon here

(cw/tw for medical stuff, including cancer, chemo, and the side effects of such)

so ive now been living away from home for like 2 weeks (woo!) but im visiting home this weekend to pick up a few more bits and pieces (and tbh to visit my cats ♡)

my sister messaged when she found out (i assume our parents mentioned it? i never told her) to warn me that since i left, our mother had had another chemo appointment and has now lost most of her hair, so that i wasnt caught off guard when i got home and saw her, and also that shes v tired all the time and doesnt eat much anymore

first of all - this was a big surprise to me that she'd tell me this because shes really not a sympathetic/gentle person?? but when i spoke to my father he never said anything about it so im v grateful she told me beforehand

secondly - since moving out, ive sort of let myself forget about the cancer? if that makes sense? its been kind of 'out of sight out of mind' yknow? and im so afraid to suddenly be faced with very obvious signs of her illness because im honestly very comfortable living in denial until i cant anymore

so now im listening to 'soon youll get better' by taylor swift on repeat and trying not to cry over it because as much as i dont have a good relationship with my mother, i dont want her to be sick, and even though i know it will happen i don't want her to die. i think it wouldve almost been easier if i had stayed home this whole time, because then her decline would sort of be slow enough where i wouldnt notice so much? whereas now in my head shes going from still being quite healthy to being really sick and i dont want to see that

i feel like that makes me sound like a bad person too. like im almost considering just not visiting between this upcoming weekend and christmas just so that i dont have to watch her get worse, and that makes me feel like shit both ways

also so much for not having a breakdown bc i had to stop twice while writing this to have a little cry 🫠

Hi hon!

I'm so sorry that things with your mum aren't going well. I want to remind you though that however you're feeling about this is okay and valid. People handle illness in so many different ways and no way is the right way.

I do want to give you a very gentle and loving reminder, though. You mentioned maybe not visiting until Christmas. I understand the desire to not visit and it's extremely valid. But if you do decide not to visit, I just have to ask..is Christmas guaranteed? I don't want to pry or bring up possibilities that could be impossible, but with cancer, time can be a huge factor. Not visiting is still your choice to make, and I support you if you make it, but make sure you make an informed choice, you know?

I'm so sorry and I can't even imagine how horrible this is to go through. I'm sending you so much love and I'm so proud of you for talking about your feelings <3

[guiltriddencorpse]

i will be 17 in 5 days.

and i feel like a loser.

i havent got my licence. i have one friend. (not an exaggeration, i have social anxiety and am generally introverted so i dont really like people but i still get lonely) i am homeschooled but will be doing schooling for a year longer than my peers. i am behind in so many subjects. i feel like im still 12.

its just not fair. nothing is fair.

you dont get to do this to me. you can not leave me. how can you, when i am crying, begging you not to leave me and issuing an ultimatum where i will tell your friend if you dont promise to stay, say "it will break him if he knew." what about me? why are you shielding him, and not me? why. why are you saying that as if i am not breaking. how can you continue to make suicide jokes. continue to say that you wont be around in november. that you wont 'be around then' or 'wont have to worry about that'. they arent funny. not so close and not when there isnt even a punch line. what am i meant to say? do you truly think i am so cold and callous that i could be laughing? the first person to seek me out. the first person to be so patient and kind. the first person to want to help me. thats not something i could even crack a grin about.

you dont get to do that. you dont get to say, "a little girl isnt meant to feel like she should be dead" as if i havent felt the exact same way. as if this topic is completely foreign to me. as if, in the past 2-3 years i wasnt actively then passively suicidal. as if my cousin wasnt very actively trying to die. yet you still look me in the eyes and say that its just gonna happen? you arent even gonna try to pull away?

no. no child should feel that way. but i did. i felt that way. i was verbalising such issues when i was 8-10. should i kms? should i? because that seems to be the solution for your own problem.

how can you continue to 'care' about me but continue to plan your own death? you dont care. you dont love me. you are playing with me at this point. you are stringing me along. this isnt fair.

you prod at my empathy. teasing remarks that do bother me. dont you understand? no one understands. when i try to express my hyperempathy, i am told i am too sensitive, teased for being soft, it drains me. when i do my best to shut that part out, ignore it, im mean, blunt, rude and many more.

dont speak to me with such a condescending tone. do not look down at me. i am sick of being looked down upon. i know i am not better than you, probably not even an equal. but you all make me feel so fucking small. like a pest.

i dont understand. i cant trust anyones words. its infuriating. i tell people to trust my words. i dont do insincerity, and yet they always try to look for a deeper meaning. i try to follow my own advice but fhen it bites me in the ass because now theyre upset at me for not noticing i upset them? i asked if they were mad, they said they were fine. i trusted that, i had already made it abundantly clear that i trust what you say, that i dont push 'no means no' so how fucking stupid can you be to get angry when i dont push? and what am i meant to do? tell them? tell the person i love that sometimes they make me cry? not because of their actions directly, but because i beat myself up over tiny interactions that they probably dont even think about?

everything is too much and not enough.

i have to make plans for my birthday all while knowing shes gonna khs.

i have to see my support workers

i have to be patient for my little brother.

i have to regulate myself

i have to be helpful for my mum.

i have to remember things about other people

i have to read social cues

i have to feel for other people.

i have to. otherwise i feel so awful. i feel like i killed their family, send a photo to the new york times, with the caption 'go fuck yourselves'. i feel like i want to throw up my internal organs and clean them with bleach before putting them back.

but im tired

i am sick of being kind

i am sick of being understanding

i am sick of making ezcuses

i am sick of being empathetic.

i dont want to hurt anyone, but i just dont understand anyone. i end up just panicking.

i cant help you. ok?

im sorry. i just really cant. im not gonna talk you off the metaphorical ledge. i am trying, but when its too late. dont call me, yeah? i dont want that. dont leave me shit, dont write me anything. just let my memory of you fade. i 'wasnt meant to know'? yeah, and how was that gonna work? you think i'm a toddler with no object permanence? that once you died i would just completely forget? 'i wouldve found out eventually' and you say that you know but you wont have to deal with it? that hurt. im fighting everything in me thats telling me to run. to put some distance in place. i suppose i just couldnt give enough. maybe if i were more confident, more dominant, more something, i couldve helped. but i cant. every suggestion is shut down. or the reply is "sometimes its not that simple".

you are content with this end. i dont have the strength the convince you not to go. i said that i could change your mind. thay was a lie. i cant. i cant even try. i dont even lnow why i am still alive. you have a plan, a way of going. and you genuinely sont want to live. nothing i brang up changed your mind.

M. you are going to ruin me. i hope i never get this attached to someone ever again.

[frosnpls]

cw vent,, doin bad tonite lads

idk if i have PMDD or if it's the SAD or if it's the work stress or if it's the state of this country and the fact that I'm slowly losing hope of both living independently/being able to afford such as well as ever being able to ever begin to transition properly or just whatever the fuck but man im not having a good time

i keep thinking lately about how ive never been able to catch a break and like sometimes i feel like im blowing it out of proportion and that its not fair because i do actually lead a fairly privileged life but also like. i was literally bullied at the age of THREE by my nursery teacher because she mistook the clear signs of my neurodivergence as misbehaviour. i struggled through school because nobody noticed i was neurodivergent and the people who did didnt want to admit it. i developed body dysmorphia by the age of like 8 iirc. i was bullied throughout all of my childhood and struggled so badly because i didnt have any support in place because somehow nobody noticed the very clear signs of adhd and autism. i lost my teenage years to severe bullying which caused permanent trauma and then lost the four years of my life after finishing school to essentially becoming a carer for an abusive suicidal boyfriend and then spent months after his death blaming myself for "not doing enough" when i had literally become a recluse because i was afraid that if i went out he might need me and i wouldnt be available. this year was the first year i think ive ever actually felt Right because i felt like i had myself figured out and i was doing what i wanted and i felt free and i just. i think theres an element of grieving for probably like a good sixteen or so years of my life where i was consistently traumatised by something and had no chance to find myself as a person

i feel consistently selfish for it but i just want someone to see how much im struggling and acknowledge it yknow like. offer some help or take care of me for a bit. i dont understand why but im in this role of a protector and caretaker for others and whilst i want to look after people and i care so so deeply about the people i do look after id also like to be looked after occasionally, you know? like. the day my cat died my partner was there and i got out of bed and my mum gave me the news and i went downstairs and i held her and i went back to my room and got in bed and started crying and. my partner put their arm around me and said he was sorry and i just curled up into them and cried and i genuinely think its the most ive ever felt cared for in at least my working memory

when i was younger sometimes my dad would try to comfort me when i cried and when i tried to explain why i was crying he would say "oh, [deadname]" in this really sympathetic tone and i remember always hoping he would do it when i cried because it made me feel like someone was actually acknowledging how much i was hurting and there came a point where he stopped saying it and idr if it was just because i was getting older and it sounded condescending or if it was at the point where i started hiding from my parents when i was upset because i didnt want them to worry but there was a period of time where i would actually miss that exclamation every time i cried even though i wasnt coming to my dad for comfort

i want to ask for help and seek help and comfort and be vulnerable enough to let people know i need it but also theres people who rely on me and i worry that if i dont seem positive or up to it they might think they cant come to me and i want them to be able to come to me i really do. then also i feel like if i bring my hurt to others all im going to do is upset or inconvenience them and i dont want to do that

im just trapped because i dont want anyone to worry about me but also i kind of do and it makes me feel so selfish like why would anyone ever want people to worry about them but its just in that way that like. iwould maybe just like to be asked if im alright before ive expressed that im not. i would like someone to notice that im quieter than usual or that i dont seem as enthusiastic or upbeat as i do most of the time and ask how im feeling. even that makes me feel selfish though and i hate it because i know realistically that isnt selfish but equally any normal person would just seek out the comfort they need right?? but i cant because if i initiate it then it means im annoying someone or upsetting someone or taking up someone's valuable time

i dont understand how i can be both looking after others, taking time to check on them and make sure theyre alright, give advice and welcome people in if they need me, and then also at the same time feel like the world biggest dickhead if i even dare to think about asking for the same from someone. or refusing to take my own advice. i need a mental health break from work desperately and my partner keeps telling me this as well but i keep refusing because we had 4 staff members off sick this week and if i went off as well it would make things hard for them. i just cant,, prioritise myself

im tired of england and im tired of the world and im tired of having to figure out how im going to manage to exist in the way i want to one day and im tired of feeling selfish for desiring human contact and im tired of waking up before the sun's up and im tired of feeling sad and not understanding why and im just. im just tired

[kaleidoscopic-quiddity]

things i really loved about episode 10

(in no specific order because i can’t choose a single favourite thing) 

the fact that homophobia is still nowhere to be found in bad buddy! i was worried it was gonna become a thing in the plot now that the parents have found out about pat and pran but i was happily surprised. i know stories about homphobia and the real lived experiences of mlm are both important and relevant, and absolutely deserve to get told, but its just nice to see a queer story that’s still engagingly  dramatic without needing to use bigotry to create said drama 

ink and pa getting together!!! congratulations lesbians i am so proud. i was kinda worried that inkpa would remain as just a teased relationship that would never actually come to anything but im so happy that bad buddy took the plunge and had them explicitly state their feelings for each other, and in the cutest and sweetest fuckin way possible 

pa’s coming out scene with pat. i love that a big deal wasn’t made of her sexuality, no ‘have you always liked girls?’, no ‘ but i thought you were straight?’, just pat being a supportive big bro and telling her ‘you like anyone you want’ 

bad buddy once again subverting old and tired BL tropes by having the whole ‘unsupportive parents find out about their sons’ relationship’ bring pat and pran closer together, not split them apart in a dumb last minuet breakup for extra drama

speaking of the parents: chai was the underrated king of this episode, whilst i do thing he couldve done more to support pran and stand up to dissaya, i love that he was aware of pat and pran’s relationship and was chill and supportive about that, especially since in the BLs its usually the father’s who are the most vitriolically homophobic 

korn blatantly fucking flirting with wai, i was laughing my way through that entire scene and im so happy pat and pran’s friends are finally getting along 

pat declaring his love for pran in front of the entire architecture faculty, we stan a lovestruck himbo 

all the fucking allusions to marriage/engagement this episode??? like i see you  👀 you aint subtle  👀

bad buddy clowning on dumb BL tropes yet again by directly making fun of the ‘they’re in love but are actually secretly brothers thing’, i just love how clear the production and actors are about how they find stuff like that just as stupid as we do

pat and pran’s visit to the high school being interspersed with ‘aw babe you had a crush on me? thats so embarrassing’ ‘we’re dating’ ‘still’ vibes, i completely love how even tho theyre together now pat and pran still love teasing each other and competing over sily things like who fell first 

god i know it was a heart breaking scene but pran breaking down in pat’s arms really speaks to his character development, the fact that he no longer feels like he has to hide his pain and that he willing lets himself be supported by someone who loves him, i was also totally crying

also!!! pat’s silent tears? the way he was clinging to pran just as tightly as pran was cling to him?? the head/neck caressing? the ‘lets get away from here?’, my heart hurt so much i was literally clutching my chest 

the fact that wai finding out pa already liked someone (and that that someone was a girl) wasnt used to create another jealously plotline or to make wai into a sexist/lesbophobic/incel antagonist but was instead a comedy beat was so relieving for me

pran standing up to his mum had me cheering out loud, hes literally come so far in these 10 eps

and the fact that what she’s done to him, plus the fact that she hit him, wasnt played off as just ‘oh thats how asian/strict parents are’ or ‘well it wasnt even that hard of a slap’ but was instead clearly shown as something serious and genuinely detrimental to pran 

he was only there for one scene but korn stole this episode for me, literally every moment hes on screen is hilarious and drake brings such a fun energy to his character 

pran’s love song!!!! nanon’s singing voice is so beautiful and im betting now a complete version of the song is going to be used during a big romantic moment (perhaps a proposal???) 

its little thing but the way that ink, a taller and older upperclassman giving gifts to pa and flirting with her is very clearly shown as cute and flirtatious and well received by pa, not as a creepy or predatory behaviour, bad buddy rlly said ‘we’re gonna have our sapphics be just as dorky and sweet as our main boys’ 

the fact that dissaya and ming’s dispute wasnt over a bad break up, or being cheated on, or some other lowkey sexist reason (crazy ex gf trope anyone?) but instead was about a very real issue that effected dissaya’s future 

and, the fact that all of that is not used to excuse how she treats pran or to try and suddenly make her ‘sympathetic’ or ‘understandable’ in her awful parenting

this one’s technically episode 11 but pat asking ‘can i kiss you?’ is genuinely so important to me. itd be so easy to have a big dramatic scene where pat pulls pran into a surprise kiss and the music swells and blah blah blah but instead its shown that even in well established relationships consent is not only still important, but can be very sweet and romantic too 

[peralta-guaranteed]

ok ok i have a random headcanon prompt!! what about amy really really wanting for breastfeeding to work because everyone says it's the best including her family giving her all the pressure but it turns out it just doesn't work for them.. how would she handle it

(oh noo 😭 that thought makes me so sad... They fought so hard for bébé I want Amy to have the newborn experience she dreamed of having! But it's pretty realistic...)

Going home from a doctor's visit has never really had a positive connection for Jake, to be honest, and their many saddening appointments during their trying phase did not help with that. (Of course he went along to all of them, even if they sometimes only needed Amy there. They were in this together, after all.)

This latest one really is not much better. It's another one where he wasn't actively needed - but he's glad he tagged along. If only to be the designated driver and babywrangler while Amy sat with the consultant. She'd had problems with breastfeeding, which the books said would be pretty normal for a first time mom, but she'd still wanted the opinion of an expert.

Well, she'd gotten that opinion now, and it really wasnt an uplifting one.

"You don't seem to have enough milkflow for the baby to really learn how to feed. We can prescribe supplements, and there are a lot of home remedies to increase flow, but it might not change anything. I'd advise getting the baby used to formula as well, to be on the safe side."

Amy looked so forlorn in the backseat, playing with Mac's perfect little foot to keep him entertained during the drive home. She hadn't really said anything ever since they left the doctor's office, and neither had Jake. He didn't feel like he was in any position to add something of worth to that particular topic, anyway.

She only spoke up once they were back home, Mac already asleep from that exciting venture outside of the apartment he'd called his homebase for the past two weeks.

"I can't believe my body is failing at this whole motherhood thing again." She laments. "It's really just not meant to be, is it?"

"Hey, don't say that." Jake pulls her into a hug that she only half returns. "Your body did an amazing job growing Mac so perfectly and bringing him into the world."

"I just... Maybe it's old fashioned or archaic, but I really wanted to breastfeed. It's important."

Jake isn't sure if that's really 100% true, but he's not going to question a woman about what her body is supposed to be doing, least of all his wife. So he does what he does best instead - looks for the silver lining.

"Hey, the doc said there's stuff that can help. We got those hormon supplements. I'm gonna buy every damn thing that has fenugreek in it tomorrow, and those teas and stuff too. We'll make it work."

"But what if it doesn't? Mac's already not latching right, and he needs to feed so much more than he does, and it's going to make him sick and-"

"He's devouring the special newborn formula they gave us at the hospital like it's orange soda or something. He's not going to starve, babe. We'll get him used to normal formula when it's time, too."

"Okay." Amy sighs again, leaning out of the hug and staring towards the nursery door, where Mac is snoring away and will probably wake up hungry soon enough, screaming for... Well, either the boob or his bottle, whichever works. Jake still has a hard time really understanding what's so bad about formula milk - if it exists as an option, it can't be that bad?

"My mum always said 'breast is best'..." Amy almost answers his unspoken question while she slumps onto the couch.

"I know you like those kind of mnemonics, but just because it rhymes doesn't make it true." He gets an appreciative glance at the fact that he remembered the word mnemonic, but its still not enough to make Amy smile again. "In the end, I think whatever keeps our little boy healthy and happy is what's best. Not what your mom or anyone else says."

Amy nods, still staring sadly into nothing. Jake sits down next to her, grips her knee and gives it a soft squeeze and a supportive smile as she leans back into him, her head on his shoulder like she so often does to steady herself.

"You're right, I know you are. I can just already hear the whole clan telling me off for 'not doing it right'. Like they did with all the pregnancy stuff already."

He hums, his hand sliding from her knee to her thigh and rubbing there gently.

"Remember what I did when they started that, though?"

At that, Amy stifles a little giggle.

"I remember some very long rants from you and debates in group chats. And once during family dinner. Didn't you tell my brother that unless he gets pregnant himself, he really shouldn't have an opinion on what my uterus does or how I handle it?" She vividly remembers the little gasp her usually so stoic dad did at Jake's very medically-informed word usage. He definitely got some good kisses as a reward for that.

"Yeah." Jake nods. "So if they start again, I'm just gonna double down on that."

She kisses his cheek, finally smiling just a little bit.

"My knight in shining armour." She quips, but there's hint of true appreciation in the joke.

"Anything for you, babe." He grins back. "And for Mac, too, of course."

The aforementioned seems to have heard his name, because there's a very obvious whine from the half open nursery door, which they know is going to evolve into a cry any second. Jake pats Amy's thigh to tell her to stay while he's already getting up.

"We're gonna work it out one way or the other, babe. And if nothing works - look at the bright side: that just means I can take over all night duties if need be. I know how to warm a bottle now, after all."

Amy smiles properly as she watches him walk away and then re-emerge with a only snuffling, not crying infant against his chest. She really couldn't have asked for a better father to her children, she thinks as he still hands Mac over with "Wanna give it a try anyway? “ and she nods.

They're gonna try. It worked itself out the last time, too. Whatever it takes.

[adowbaldwin]

Baldwins Secret - Part 15?

It was easy to pick up the sound of Baldwins blood boiling, even as a witch without vampire senses "Baldwin" she knocked on the door and cracked it open "can i come in"

"Only if you are here to tell me you are leaving" he hissed

She came in, glass of red in one hand and a handkerchief in the other swaying in surrender "I come in peace with offerings"

She toddled over, passing him the glass as she used his shoulder for support sinking down onto the ottoman "Are you really going to force me out in this state? Matthew had to carry me up the stairs"

"He cant come here" he gritted out "im just about coping with the idea of any of you here, let alone him"

"I dont know what happened, because you wont talk to me, but do you honestly believe Matthew or I would leave my children with Jack if we didnt have full faith im him?"

"Your children arent beautiful unmated vampires" he snapped back

"So you just roam the streets harrasing everyone you meet? What, before i came along Matthew was some uncontrollable nut job?" She was becomming rather impatient "what happened to the man who was trying to marry off his daughers to every wealthy little boy in Rome?"

His jaw tightened "that man you met Diana died along with Antonia"

"Jack is our son, so if he isnt welcome here then neither am I" she seethed "Nor is Rebecca, seen as she has bitten you more then Jack has. Maybe you babysitting her once a month is not a good idea"

His head shot up in shock "What?" The moment of hurt flickering across his face was enough for Diana to dig the knife in

"No, no. I cant expect you to babysit her with such an awful violent streak. Perhaps Chris and Miriam will be good replacements"

The glass shatered in his hands "Chris?" The vein was popping on his neck "MIRIAM?" he barked

"Jack is my son Baldwin, he is no more of a risk to your daughters then a fucking splinter so get over whatever it is making you hate him" she used her mum voice, stern and even. Suprisingly it worked.

"How much do you know of Anthonys time in Egypt?" He spoke softly, eyes glazed

"With Cleopatra? Probably the same as everyone, tragic love story, they both comitted suicide when they were bested by Octa-" the look of his face had her stopping mid sentance "the other guy"

"I followed Anthony to Egypt. There was no questioning that choice, it was easy. He was my oldest friend, my brother in marriage" he cleared his throat "Philippe warned me, begged that I stay in Rome and i just laughed it off. Because who ever invisioned that Octavian would best Anthony? No one. Absolutely no one. Then things started to go wrong. They died and I was branded a traitor" the little drops of blood fell from his eyes and he did not even bother to cover it "Octavian said it was a mercy his soldiers had left me my daughters for the crime i had committed" he swiped his hands over his cheeks to rid himself of those bastard tears "i cannot describe to you, going back to my home seeing my wife and sons slaughtered. She was pregnant too, a few months" he looked away, eyes squeezed shut "Cyrus, Evander and Garrick. Evander was perfect you know, such a good boy. Garrick was a fucking little terror but what i wouldnt give to hold him one last time" Diana was lightly crying, Matthew who was not so secretly eavesdropping felt sorry for him for the first time in 1500 years. The pain of losing a child was unbearable, but three? "I never disobeyed Philippe again after. He sent me to Britain then" he looked to Diana, begging face ridden with hurt "I cannot put them at risk. I cant"

She sniffled "Im sorry" it was all she could say, becuase what else was there to say? She could neither bring them back or relate to his pain "It wasnt your fault you know"

"It was, my arrogance caused me my family. If i could go back i would drag Anthony home by his ear and make him beg for forgiveness. Make him leave that poisonous wretch" he knew in the depths of his soul nothing would have made Anthony leave "Philippe forbid me to avenge their deaths. Thats what hurts the most now, knowing i could have but did not do a thing had i of just ignored Philippe one last time"

"You need to read Antonia's letter" she took his hand in hers, a firm reassuring squeeze "when she handed it to me, she said you would need to hear her voice. I think you need it, as closure"

"I will read it when you and Matthew fuck off down stairs" he turned his head to the door "Repeat any of my history to anyone brother and you will be visiting my wife and sons"

Diana rolled her eyes "always nice to see you two getting on so well"

[thecringefailintherye]

Oliver! (1968) Live (re) watch!

i have already seen oliver!, but not in ages, so i decided to watch it again, enjoy

very long post warning

fuckin hell these opening credits are LONG

i love the fact instrumentals of songs in the movie are playing

i have chocolate popcorn, apple lucozade and oliver! on, life is good

yes i know mark lester is oliver ive seen this like 20 times can i watch the film now

OH ABOUT FUCKING TIME

god is love

IS IT WORTH THE WAITING FOR IF WE LIVE TILL 84 ALL WE EVER GET IS GRUELL

i forgot how much of a banger food glorious food is

LOOK AT BABY MARK LESTER 🥺🥺🥺

ads in middle of movie be like

its harry secombe!

AMENNNN

oliver gets bullied the movie

look at this poor kid

MOREE????????

oh yes oliver i love this song

O L I V E R

poor kid

without any bannister yikes

the one who named him........O-L-IV-ERRR

oh were outside now

olivers just been kicked out oh shit

but on the plus side he has a cute ass hat on

BOY FOR SAY AL

look at oliver 🥺 he deserves better

SOWERBERRY MORE LIKE SHITTERBERRY

theres a severe lack of thats your funeral and i shall scream

noah claypole more like noah clayprick

“perhaps... if i had a tall hat?” BABEY

HES GOT HIS TALL HAT ON YES OLIVER

oliver said dab on them haters from your old gaff youre a funeral advisor now and theyre still homeless

DONT INSULT HIS MUM FUCK YOU NOAH

YES OLIVER KILL HIM

yes stuff the nine year old in a coffin and sit on it well done

"OLIVAH ??" "Yes im here: ((("

ITS MEAT!

oliver deserves better man 

im gonna cry and were like 25 minutes in.

ik its not mark singing but whoever it is CAN SING WTF

i want to give him a hug

OH SHIT HES RUNNING AWAY

hes in the lettuce

LONDON YOU MADE IT !

yes oliver trains exist

DODGER!!!

whach you starin at aint ya ever seen a toff

the beak

look at lil jack wild

me more hintimate friends

cockney accent™️

the artful dodga

CONSIDERR YOURSSELF AT HOEME COSNIDER YOURSWLF OEN OF THE FAMILY !!!!!!!!!!

im sorry i love this song

look this scene is awesome, but it would be COMPLETE with charley oh wait he was demoted to extra and everything interesting abt him was given to dodger

he should have gotten the nobody tries to be ladeeda or uppity bit I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

this cast is BIG

okay i am a Charger Enthusiast but do we all agree there is something oddly homosexual about oliver and dodger in this song

note how dodger is scared of the police FORESHADOWING

ive taken to this SO STRONGITSCLEARWEREGOINGTOGETALONG

how many extras is this ???? yall better be gettin paid

its dodga comin up

this set is sraight out of the book i love it

CHARLEY MATE IM SORRY THEY MADE YOU AN EXTRA 

“oh not again” does dodger just always show up with random workhouse kids 

ah yes fagin the character whos still a negative jewish stereotype

more and more big cast

THESE SAUSAGES ARE MOULDY! (am i going to freak out whenever charley does anything because i love him? yes)

stfu drink your gin

is this a laundry?? no fam 

THE BEST FUCKING SONG IN THIS MUSICAL

IN THIS LIFE ONE THING COUNTS

sorry if i dont add to this until pick a pocket or two is done bc its a straight banger

this song is EVERYTHING 

hard at work lol ok

did he make those himself??? no

couple a wipes

EMBROIDERED THEM??? no

petition for all oliver twist adaptations to refer to charley as master bates like the book and for him to have actual lines and not have his actor switched at least three times

i dont even now who charley is at this point because his actor is switched many a time im just gonna say purple blazer kid is charley

anyway charley bates supremacy

whos bill sikes??? NO

fuck bill all my homies hate bill

rum tum tum is a banger

go bed now

take your hat off in bed dodger

movie fagin has rights

fagin leaving where will he go

BET IS THAT YOU

FUCK OFF BILL NO ONE LIKES YOU 

NANCY NANCY HES HERE !!!!!! bet deserves everything and more ily 💖

NANCYYYY!!!!!!

its a fine life more like its a banger

wheres all of bets lines gone

bet 🤝 charley (being demoted to extras)

its not funny anyore bet.. bet girl please sing youre the best fucking thing about this song

such a happy song about domestic abuse

THERE SHE IS THATS MY GIRL BET I FUCKING LOVE YOU

bullsye rights!

i hate how this movie made fagin more symathetic but he’s still a “greedy jew” stereotype

oliver?????

at this moment fagin knew he fucked up

nancy you deserve better than bill

oh hi dodger forgot you existed

and the rest of you except oliver

ah yes charley “sausages” bates i missed you

THESE FUCKING KIDS THEY ALL LOVE BET AND NANCY MY HEART

im a regular gent i am. no dodger you arent

why is “permit me to assist you across the road” so fucking funny

pov dodgers back on his bullshit so you have to pretend to be a horse and cart for him

not “sir artful” 😭😭😭

anyfink for youu

WHAT FISTICUFFS???!!!

i feel sorry for the child extras man theyve prob had to film this scene like ten times

THESE KIDS CAN SING

 the boys dancing with eachother is too fucking wholesome i love this

again, movie fagin rights

weed riissk lifee and limmbb

you promised we could go see the angin!!!!!

ats on boys time were off

THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG

HOW COULD WE LET HOW COULD WE FORGET OUR DEAR OLD FAGIN WORRY!!

mate that aint single file did you not hear him

am i the only one who can hear london bridge is falling down in the back??

our pockets hold a watch of gold that chimes upon the hour!!! a wallet fat an old mans hat!!! the jewels from the tower!!!

WE KNOW THE NOSEY POLICEMEENNNN

dodger and charley (i am SURE charley is purple blazer kid even if havent seen this film in ages) are GETTING INTO THIS

oliver 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

movie fagin rights pt 27238227

DODGER OLIVER COME ON!!!!!!!!! alright dude chill

ARE YALL SEEING THIS SHIT, I WAS RIGHT, I TOLD YOU THAT THE LAD IN THE PURPLE BLAZER WHO SINGS “a wallet fat an old mans hat” WAS CHARLEY BATES AND GUESS WHAT HE FUCKING IS. I WAS RIGHT, PURPLE BLAZER KID IS CHARLEY YOU CAN LEAVE NOW

no dont were only an hour in

three kids on the back of the omnibus what will they do

dodger and charley said be gay do crimes

ah shit now look what youve gotten us into dodger

IT WASNT EVEN OLIVER IT WAS CHARLEY AND DODGER GO AFTER THEM

are dodger and charley straight up framing oliver for a crime they commited while also helping him escape

yes they are why are we surprised 

i hate to break it to you dodger but hiding oliver in a meat sack doesnt work

OLIVERS ON THE ROOF????

charley and dodger got oliver into this mess and they are not going to get him out

WHY DIDNT YOU LOOK AFTER HIM????? right calm down fagin

how could i help it :((((

no bill!

stan nancy

“two other boys stole it” no shit

BROWNLOW !

run bitch run

right intermission time now

AND WE’RE BACK!

entr acte

who will buyyy

strawberry girl is carrying this

oliver owns my heart pt 278983728938728

this is a banger wtf

okay its done now right

right?????

UHH BILL???? DODGER???? BITCH WHY TF ARE YOU HERE

have bill fagin nancy and the boys been stalking oliver???

NO SHE WONT FAGIN!

shit.

fuck bill

this scene is far more sadder when you think of how the boys have just seen the only woman they see as a mother figure been hit to the flo or, im not crying, you are

as long as he needs me :(

FUCK YOU BILL

rose maylie is that you?!

look at lil oliver!!

BILL FUCK OFF

i hate bill

“look at his togs! he’s got books too!” charley and dodger are my emotional support kids

anyway have i mentioned i hate bill, bc i hate bill.

I REALLY REALLY HATE BILL

even fagin aka the guy whos keeping these kids as pickpockets has more morals than bill

WE STAY CALM!!

no bill i havent heard a dying chicken

act one was just childish antics now we have THIS

fuck bill

YOURE TELLING ME THE BOYS WATCHED THAT????

jack wild is a banging actor. he genuinely looks terrified 🥺 

this film.. 

a mans got a heart hasnt he?? yes you do!!!

a full song dedicated to movie fagin rights?? did i ghostwrite this?? probably

banger

ithinkidbetterthinkitoutagain!

villains theives and nine year olds

MR BUMBLE?????!!!!!!!!!!

fuck bill pt72898376728909878199

bill youre traumatising him

cmon nance do something!!

also completely forgot abt this but uh does monks exist in this i forgot bc we have had no mentions of him yet

nancy tell him who bill is!!!

bullseye deserves better

uhm what is going on

bill sikes more like bill yikes

oliver what are you doing

BILL TERRIFIES ME

FUCK

omg oom pah pah????

leave oliver alone bill hes like nine

oh banger

OOM PAH PAH THATS HOW IT GOES!!!!!!!!!

just asking are nancy and bet lesbians bc they look it

COULD IT BE OOM PAH PAHHHHHH

god i love this song

IT SHOOOOOWSSSSSS

its the same oom pah pah

“She was from the country but now shes up a gumtree she let a fella feed her then lead her a long” foreshadowiinnggg

OOM PAH PAH! OOM PAH PAH! OOM PAH PAH!

nancy is so fucking smart

getting the whole pub singing and dancing to smuggle out oliver? clever

fuck

bill.. no.. bill.. bill????

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKC

BILL GET OFF HER

NANCY NO

HE STRAIGHT UP COMMIT MURDER AGAINST THE NICEST CHARACTER

BROWNLOW DO YOU NOT HEAR NOTHING

nancy deserved a better death than to be killed by bill fuck bill

EVEN BULLSEYE HATES YOU BILL

ARE THEY ACCUSING BULLSEYE OF MURDER

FUCK YOU BILL

movie fagin rights + fuck bill combo?

youre telling me fagin had an ESCAPE ROUTE??? AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HOUSE THING??? THE WHOLE TIME???

BILL DONT KILL THE CHILD

BILL

fuck, well. #

“WHAT DO I DO!?” “LIVE UP TO YOUR NAME, DODGE ABOUT”

ten quid says dodgers been caught

oh no all fagins shit is gone

BILL DONT KILL THE CHILD PT 2

FUCK YOU BILL

GOD I HATE HIM

OLIVER MATE ARE YOU OK

never have i been so happy to see a character die

rest in shit bill

hi dodger thought you got caught n went to australia 

god, this film is so fucking good.

reviewing the situation 2.0 goes hard

MOVIE. FAGIN. RIGHTS!

FAGIN YOU CAN BE A GOOD MAN YOU KNOW YOU CAN

DODGER??????????

IM TOTALLY NOT CRYING RN

FAGIN NO DONT TAKE IT

FUCKING PLOTTWIST

IT MADE IT LOOK LIKE FAGIN WAS GONNA GIVE THE WALLET BACK TO DODGER BUT NO

once the villain you’re the villain to the end

i completely forgot abt this scene since i’ve been reading the oliver twist book and in that dodger gets arrested and fagin gets hanged but here they get away?

god this is bittersweet

I THINK WE’D OUGHT TO THINK IT OUT AGAIN!!!!!

thats where the film should have ended, i get olivers the main character but it ending on dodger and fagin walking out into the sunset is such a pleasing ending man

oliver gets his happy ending abt time

YES CONSIDER YOURSELF AND BE BACK SOON (THE BIGGEST BANGERS IN THE FILM) CREDITS SONGS!!

well.. that was a journey and half

[ahurumustdie]

Did you tell your mom that it/it’s pronouns aren’t your preferred? Maybe they said that because they saw other nb people using it and thought you were like in on it. Like I think it’s really important to remember that it/it’s pronouns aren’t icky, disgusting or degrading as these are pronouns that some actually find very validating and is their preferred identity. I think making a big deal out of being called “it” is a little terfy but I know that’s not your intent. Please just be more open minded in the future

hello anon, i am perfectly aware that it/itself pronouns are not icky and that there are nonbinary people who prefer those pronouns, and i think that’s awesome of them.

however, as an out trans man who’s pronouns are he/him and who was called ‘it’ by my angry mother, and who has been called an ‘it’ multiple times growing up whenever i did something weird or annoying; i was very hurt and upset by what she said.

i think you should remember that everyone has different reactions and feelings towards things and that eventhough i wholeheartedly support the use of it/itself pronouns that doesn’t stop me from feeling shitty when i am invalidated as a person just because i didn’t take out the rubbish fast enough. 

i also support the use of she/her pronouns, but that doesn’t mean i enjoy being called ‘she’. 

i appreciate you taking the time to write this ask and attempt to educate me, and i can understand what my post may have looked like from another perspective; but it wasn’t a dig at nonbinary people, it was me crying in my bedroom after my mum hurt me and didn’t bother apologising. 

-

P.S. my mum has only recently heard about they/them pronouns (half of my friends are enby so i explained it to her), her calling me ‘it’ wasnt an attempt at being progressive, she was being a dick.

[rockets-and-raccoons]

My mum knew when I was really young that I wasnt straight. Not that she consciously recognised it. I was the child she constantly told that love was love. I could love whoever I wanted and that was okay. I was the child that was constantly told by my parents that gays deserved rights and that they would always love me no matter what. I was the child they excitedly told when gay marriage finally became legal.

I grew up repressed with severe internalized homophobia issues. To the point where to this day I still severely struggle with it.

My grandad doesnt believe in gay rights. He thinks it's a phase. That these people are ill. The village I grew up in was very Christian. Being gay was wrong. It was disgusting. Gay people needed serious mental help (ironically half the people my age that grew up there have turned out to be part of the lgbtq+ community).

I went to high school in the neighbouring city. Where everyone around me talked about how disgusting being gay is. The fear of a gay person in the changing rooms was talking about constantly. Gay adoption and marriage was considered wrong. Liking people of the same sex was considered disgusting and uncomfortable.

I was terrified everytime I had to get changed for pe. I was terrified to just look at other girls. And it didnt help that the majority of my friends were boys. I didnt spend much time with girls. The one girl I was good friends with- was suddenly the source of rumours. Everyone at school knew before I did. Talked about if before I accepted it.

She's gay.

I denied it. I didn't believe I was for a second. Did everything I possibly could to prove I wasn't. And yet for my last 2 years at school everyone made jokes about my sexuality. Told me I was gay and in love with my friend. (Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. I refused to process my emotions properly back then.) They joked about how I was only straight until I was horny. That I was so obviously gay. But it was a joke. A mocking thing that made me feel so horrific that I did awful, horrific things to prove everyone wrong. Things I have to live with, that i hate myself for. Just becaus every time someone suggested I might be gay, all I could think of was 'it's so wrong.' 'Its disgusting' 'its cruel to children to be raised by gay parents' '1 in 5 people are gay, I sure as hell hope it's never going to be me' 'nobody wants to be gay, it's an illness.' 'I cant be around gay people, they make me uncomfortable' 'they'll stare at you in the changing rooms' 'they'll force themselves on you'

I still cant share a bed with another girl without being terrified. I cant be in the same room as another woman getting changed - I havent had to deal with PE in a decade. Havent heard those whispers in a decade.

Every time I become friends with another girl I'm terrified of what will happen when they find out I'm gay. I can't connect with them properly.

And sometimes. Sometimes I just truly hate myself. I hate the fact I find women attractive. That I'd rather spend the rest of my life with a woman rather than a man. Sometimes, often, I still find that disgust curling up in my stomach.

It doesnt matter that I dont live there anymore. That I now live somewhere so open and so easy to accept everyone and anyone. It doesnt matter that I've admitted it to myself, my family, and my friends. That I tell people so easily, I'm gay.

I'm still terrified of what would happen if people from my home found out. I still hear their conversations. Their mocking words. I still feel the effects of their homophobia. And sometimes I still wish I could pretend I was straight.

I was lucky to be born into such an open and accepting family. But by god, I wish I'd been brought up where I live now. I wish I didnt lie in bed hating myself so much at times. I wish I could be at peace with who I am. Rather than wishing I could go back in time and somehow change myself.

I remember telling my mum I was gay, and her not understanding why I was so distraught. Because 'you should know by now I love you no matter what' - and I didnt know how to tell her society, my friends, our community, were all going to despise me. Hate me. Tell me I told you so. I told my dad minutes after he said he wished his daughters were gay bc he hated dealing with the heterosexual drama and boyfriends. He couldn't understand why I was crying, because he wanted gay children. He had told me my whole life he would always love me no matter what. I was free to love whoever I wanted. And I didnt know how to tell him the world made me feel like I was disgusting and wrong and my existence was even worse than that of rapists.

And my grandpa, who I dont get on with, who doesnt really like me, who I was sure hated the gay community (and he has since admitted that if it was years prior he would have disowned me over sexuality) emailed me to tell me he was proud of me, that being gay wasnt wrong and he had been wrong about how he felt about the lgbtq+ community.

My grandad still thinks I'm going through a phase.

My best friend came out to me in tears, telling me he wished he had known we were both struggling, so we could have at least had each other.

When I finally told my other friends. There was no 'I told you so's' suddenly talking about sexuality wasnt a thing. It was a taboo topic nobody wanted to deal with. The girl everyone joked I was in love with, slowly disappeared from my life.

It's funny until it's true. And that's when you really realise the jokes were really, truly jokes. They didnt believe what they were saying. They just enjoyed the rise they got out of you.

And when I think about being a teenager. Despite the fact its ten years long. The only thing I can truly remember is the internal and external homophobia. Everything else feels hazy. The good times. The bad. It's all a fog that's over-taken by the self-loathing that I still carry.

I wish I could tell my teenage self that it gets better.

I wish my parents would believe me when I tell them I dont blame them for living where they did. We couldn't afford to move. They loved me, they love me, and that's what matters.

I wish I hadnt spent so long chanting 'I'm not gay' before bed. Because I knew from the age of 13, and spent the rest of my teen years in denial. Telling myself I was wrong.

But then I see my sister. My sister who is 10 years younger than me. Who had a big sister come out when she was just 8 years old (I came out at 18, yet spent a further 2 years trying to prove I wasnt. I came out too early. But I figured myself out. Accepted myself more, with the help of my family, and my best friend). She has grown up with more progressive media. Has moved to a more progressive place. Hell, her school has an lgbtq+ club. She has one (1) straight friend. She came out as bisexual at 12. But the older shes getting she thinks that her male crushes were caused by heteronormality and she thinks she might be gay. And shes open. Shes proud. Shes unapologetic in who and what she is.

I think about my self hatred. My self-loathing. About my internalised homophobia. I think of every night I spent lying in bed thinking 'One in five people is gay, it's not me. It won't be me. I'm not gay.' And I look at my little, wonderfully, unapologetically herself, little sister. And I think, that every struggle I've ever been through is worth it. If she gets to feel proud of herself because I've come out. Because my parents had to move bc of me. Because I've done everything I can to support her. To love her. To pretend to love myself for who I am in front of her.

Every day I struggle, I think to myself she doesnt have to. I'm one of the last millennials. She's gen z. And shes not my kid. But theres such a large age gap that I feel that generational difference. And I can't have children of my own. And suddenly, I find myself understand what my parents mean when they say that their suffering was worth it whenever they see us gain something out of it. Making things easier for someone you love, for someone so young, it makes it almost feel like it was worth it.

That trauma is going to stay with me. But my coming out too early, is what had my sister questioning her own sexuality. And it happened early enough in her life. She was questioning it before she hit her teens. She told me she knew she liked girls before she hit ten. But she wasnt too sure what that meant. And she wa worried because biphobia in our family is bad. But the we moved away. And she was watching adventure time and steven universe. And I was suddenly openly accepting myself and flirting with girls. And making jokes about my sexuality. And she came out. So young. So proud. And my parents were accepting of her bisexuality (albeit worried about how the rest of the family would react). And I did what I could to support her. Buying badges and flags and taking her to pride. And now shes come out as fully gay and I'm so happy and hoe safe she felt her journey has been. That at 15 she isnt scared to tell her friends (and they're not afraid to tell her). At 15 she might actually have a girlfriend. And shes been to pride. Goes to pride.

And I am so, so proud of her.

I would love to go back in time and tell myself that it's okay to accept who I am. But I cant.

But my sister grew up knowing it was okay to accept who she was. And my coming out helped my best friend accept who he was.

I didnt have any lgbtq+ friends growing up (that I knew about). There were no clubs. No tv shows. My only support was my mum and my dad.

My sister has a club. She has our family. Her friends. Her school (no awful changing room comments. No snide remarks) She has an open and accepting community. I feel so relieved that she'll (hopefully, pls universe, be kind to her) never have the same experiences I did.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Since no one talks about it and everyone is hellbent over "good parent Asmodeus" I wanna know your take on the abuse and manipulation asmodeus did on Magnus... Both before the show timeline and during it it is a simple request no pressure hbhby

hoo boy okay let's buckle up for this i guess. warning for emotional, psychological and physical child abuse ahead everybody, stay safe

seriously im halfway through writing this answer now and this got very very dark so like if these are triggering to you, please skip this one

okay so as all abusers i think that asmodeus was a master at using Magnus' previous trauma, ie his mum's and stepfather's death, against him. Magnus had just lost the person he loved most, almost been murdered, and killed his abuser, as well as losing everything - he couldn't support himself and i have the feeling that he was so terrified after his stepfather's murder, so convinced he was a monster for it, hell, he still is even in show canon, he might have just fled. and then we have a homeless Magnus living on the streets, guilty and terrified and utterly alone

and he's convinced that his mum's death is his fault, his stepfather told him so, said he was a monster, a demon, and that's why she had killed herself. and then he murdered his stepfather, thus, in his head, becoming the exact monster his mum feared. his mum was right. he was a monster. a murderer. a demon. he was everything he feared and she hated him and she was right to hate him, too-

and i think asmodeus deliberately waited until he was at his limit to show up. i mean he's gotta have been keeping tabs on Magnus, he was his all powerful son after all, his heir, his weapon. there's no way asmodeus didn't know exactly what was happening, and i think that he deliberately waited until Magnus was within an inch of his life, exhausted, starving, almost depleted of magic, shivering and cold and crying alone on the street, before showing up. so Magnus wouldnt question him. so Magnus would feel indebted to him. so Magnus would feel like he needs him

and when he does rescue Magnus, boy, he makes this whole show of taking him somewhere safe, giving him plenty of water and endless food, covering him in blankets and getting him nice feeling clothes, cleaning him - just the most and best of everything, to really emphasize the difference, really make it seem terrifying to ever be away from him again, when clearly, without him, he was nothing

and asmodeus would have explained it all to him, say that his stepfather was right, he was a demon, like asmodeus was. Magnus would be so scared, "he tried to kill me," and he'd be almost flippant about it, "oh, mundanes. it's what they do. they hate us." he'd thwarp what happened with the stepfather deeply in Magnus' head, make it seem like his stepfather's abusive behavior was normal, just what they always did, and that magnus' anger over it, his righteous anger, born of fear, and the need to survive, was an overreaction. the proof of his demonic heritage - of the evil inside of him. proof that he was the same as asmodeus, that he should turn his back to his humanity

and Magnus is confused, and hurt, and scared, because simultaneously his stepfather was bad and tried to kill him and that is proof that he can't trust mundanes and that asmodeus is all he has- but he also didn't hurt Magnus all the other times before, he never mistreated him, all these times he hit him or his mum and called them dirty and disgusting, no, that was nothing much, that was normal. it was magnus' anger that was out of place, proof that he was a monster, was a demon, was like asmodeus. should stay with him

we know that asmodeus wanted Magnus because with his magic he could have even stronger power blah blah blah so im guessing that asmodeus' plan was basically to train Magnus, bring him to his side, wait until he was mature and strong, and then try to defeat Lilith? so for that to have you know not happened Magnus would have to have banished him when he was still a kid, but anyway, that's another can of worms and I'll get to that (probably)

so he needs to turn Magnus away from the mundane world, make him want to come to edom, possibly convince him that he cant be happy in edom because Lilith wont help him, and then have him kill Lilith? and so he has to convince Magnus that mundanes are bad, going to hurt him, and that he doesnt belong with them, and so that's the narrative that he builds, normalizing his stepfathers' behavior, reminding him that even his mum didnt love him, because he wasn't a person, wasnt human, and they'd never love him as he was, and he didn't love them, either. no matter how much magnus' heart ached for his mum, and his friends, and his dukun tutor, asmodeus kept telling him that he didn't love them, couldn't have, because he was a demon, and they were beneath him. and if Magnus asked too many questions, got too confused, fought that idea too much, he'd lash out, scream, almost burn Magnus wirh the terrible dark fire of his magic

and Magnus was terrified and would hide, and he'd be like, oh, my little thing, I'd never hurt you, don't you see? that was just my magic, of course i wouldnt hurt you, im not like them. and then hed hug a trembling, shaking Magnus, who had no idea what was real anymore

eventually this started to intertwine with ideas of royalty too - you are too good for them, Magnus, you are a royal, you have a right to everything your heart desires, and they treated you like trash. you have to forget these stupid mundanes. they're beneath you

and he definitely made Magnus kill/hurt more people, possibly threatened him, said that he needed to get stronger, to stop caring so damn much, because Magnus has always been kind, and eager to help, and ultimately good, and asmodeus needed to destroy that. so he pushed and pushed him, told him that he was weak if he didnt do what asmodeus said, and that asmodeus would do it himself. that he'd leave him again, and how would that be, huh, being homeless again, would his precious mundanes have mercy? would they care? no, they'd leave him to die and spit on his face, and yet here he was, pitying them. like a whiny, weak baby, not the royal asmodeus expected him to be

and if Magnus still didn't quite manage to satisfy asmodeus, because he took too long, cried too much, pleaded too much- then he'd get punished. i think that punishment came basically in the form of magic depletion/exhausting him. Magnus is freakishly good at holding back from magic depletion, has sustained his magic and pushed way past his limits many times throughout the show, sometimes for full uninterrupted minutes. i think thats why. because asmodeus "trained" him to be able to, with his punishments

he possibly used that as an excuse - since you insist on being so weak, we have to make you stronger. so he'd make Magnus use his magic for hours at a time, no breaks, until he was shaking and trembling and crying with the effort, and then he'd leave him depleted and exhausted and have him recover on his own. that's what you are without magic, he'd tell him. nothing. do you understand now? why you can never be like them? do you want to end up like this for the rest of your life? I worry about you, Magnus, i really, really do. kill this stupid sentimentalist mundane side, before it kills you.

Magnus said, without magic, i feel like i dont matter. And don't get me wrong, i think the show made it pretty clear that magic is a part of warlocks, that without it they are incomplete, unhappy. but the fact that he specifically said i feel like i dont matter makes me feel like this is something that asmodeus drilled into his head. without magic he was nothing. and he really wasnt, because that's all asmodeus wanted him for

magicless Magnus? asmodeus despised him. for the whole time he was recovering from the magic depletion, asmodeus could barely spare him a glance. he was cruel about it, too. what? aren't you happy that you're like these mundanes you love so much? I'm just treating you as such. and then, when his magic started to come back, when he managed to do a trick- asmodeus would change completely. smile wide. hug him. that's my boy! and it would seem like asmodeus loved him, and everything would seem okay. when he had magic, he mattered, he was important, and asmodeus loved and took care of him. when he didn't, asmodeus wouldnt even touch him, wouldnt want to eat with him, would barely talk to him

so the prospect of losing his magic was terrifying, and sometimes Magnus would plead with him, please, dad, no training, i promise to be good, i dont want to be without my magic. and asmodeus would say why are you so worried? it's just training. and Magnus would say, because i always end up without magic. and asmodeus would snap, well, you aren't supposed to, do you think I'd push you over your limit on purpose? you were supposed to be able to handle it, but you aren't, you're weak. why do you think i get so disappointed? i want you to be strong, Magnus, like you're meant to be

that was always what he said, too, in canon. when he gave Magnus his pretzel, he said, for your strength. he didn't care if Magnus was well, or happy, or if he fucking liked pretzels. only that he was strong. and that is definitely a trope here

anyway! at this point asmodeus is already telling him about going to edom, about how he'll be safer there, away from people, happier. and Magnus is terrified, because he doesn't want to be away. he loves people, and most of them arent bad. he loves food. he loves music, and art, and architecture. he loves seeing the world. he loves learning languages and seeing new animals and plants and cultures. he doesn't want to be away from the world. he doesn't want to be with asmodeus

and asmodeus, of course, has carefully kept from him that other warlocks exist, that theres a warlock community out there, because if he knew that, then he'd have an alternative to being with asmodeus, even with his whole mundanes will always hate you blah blah blah speech. but there's only so long he could keep this from Magnus, right? he can feel other people's magic through the ley lines, they can feel his. it was only a matter of time.

i think it was ragnor, honestly, the first one he met. ragnor who told him, kid, there's a life out there, we're alive and we're many and we're happy, and we're there for each other. there's an alternative. and Magnus could cry with relief, because he didn't want to be with his dad anymore, but he was so terrified of being alone and on his own again

so he throws himself into studying, telling asmodeus that he wants to know about demonic magic to go to edom. and he learns about his weaknesses, and what a banishment is, and how to do it. and so when he's about to hit his maturity, he tells asmodeus he wants to visit. and because portals dont exist yet, he has to make this whole elaborate thing- and he tricks asmodeus, sets a trap, i dont know, and instead of simply taking them there, he banishes asmodeus, and stays

and so he goes and finds that weird british old man, and asks him if he can go to the warlocks' place. and ragnor chuckles and tells him that the world is the warlocks' place, that they're everywhere, that he'll teach him. and so he takes Magnus to meet other warlocks, and join the community, and start working. he still loves mundanes, and plus, after all the bad he feels he's done for them, he wants to help. so he lives among them and makes friends with them and dates them and works among them and gets wealthy, and grows, and he's somewhat happy, even if most of the time he has to hide what he is, even if he still feels lonely and bad and like a monster, a killer, a demon. but he got rid of him, and he can, maybe, become something else, if he tries really hard to find his humanity again, and make up for his mistakes, and the pain he's caused

i think asmodeus is responsible for most of the guilt Magnus feels, for a great part of his immortality blues - after all, thats what most clearly separates him from mundanes, makes him different, unable to be a part of their world - and for his feelings that hes a monster. he tells alec he hopes alec doesn't think less of him because of his father, because a part of him still believes that being asmodeus' son makes Magnus like him. he says he's ugly and dark, because asmodeus convinced that's all he could ever be. he has a huge resistance and pain/exhaustion tolerance because of course he does. and he tries to sacrifice himself all the time because hes convinced that he doesnt matter and doesn't belong, that no one would miss him because they cant love him, because hes different. and that was all definitely planted on him by asmodeus, and later watered by camille ofc

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas: Bamn! And the kid is 4

Also on AO3! 

TL;DR:  Izuku gets hits by a de-aging quirk and it turns out hes always been super cute.

izuku gets hit w a de-aging quirk back to like,, age 5-8

angst + fluff + dads happens

izuku, iida, bakugo, kiri and all might are getting groceries

not a great team for shopping but its like, just post internship pre cultural festival so its no a disaster

all might is there to make sure they dont do something stupid or get lost. he was kinda hesitant to go with them because he cant protect them anymore but they are little heroes! so they should be ok, right?

w r o n g

the villain attacks katsuki just outside the store, the only one of them that doesnt have a licence, izuku takes a hit for him and he and iida quickly take the villain down while kiri protects the bystanders

then izuku collapses and bakugo is ready to yell because if izuku takes one more hit for someone hes going to be the hit

all might runs over because even though its still dangerous he has a hero license (bc it hasnt been cancled yet because no one wanted to be the person to do it) and thats his s o n. iida is calling the people he should be calling

all might finds just, this tiny tiny green freckly mess in izuku's oversize clothing and he wants to cuss up a storm because FUCk hes liKe 6

bakugo runs over because all might looks like hes going to cry and hes not ready for that today and he sees this horrifically familiar face. he he does swear.

izuku looks so lost but he sees bakugo and he lights up!!

"kacchan!! youre so tall wow!!! so coool!!!"

and bakugo is going to scream bc f u c k hes so annoying and adorable. bakugo tells izuku that he is normally his age but got hit with a quirk that made him small and hes!! so excited!!

hes rambling about how cool the quirk is and wondering how long it lasts and how it works and allmight is just shell shocked still

"young bakugo, should we tell his mother?"

",,, inko is in america chasing down her husband to divorce him. i dont think she needs this shit right now"

"understandable"

kiri comes over bc whats happening? and he shrieks a little and hugs izuku

izuku is very lost but hes giggling bc kacchan's cool friend likes him, so maybe kacchan likes him now! bakugo is like "fuck why do i feel emotions thats wack"

so iida, having just reported what happened and now on the phone to aizawa walks over to tell aizawa everyones status. he and sees izuku and goes dead silent

"iida?? iida whats wrong?"

",,, hes,,, so s m a l l "

"wAiT WhAt"

"like,,, shrunk?????????"

"no sensei like,,, hes 5"

just a loud "F UUCK" as aizawa hangs up to run over

ok but they are all awkwardly buying the food bc they really need to get food, tiny izuku or no

and so izuku is with bakugo and allmight while the others do the worlds fastest grocery run

and izuku asks all might "mr? is your quirk being really tall? because thats super cool if it is!!" and bakugo is dying because what the fuck does all might say to that

"no my boy, im actually quirkless!"

"oh,, sorry sir"

"why are you sorry?"

"i dont know, but thats what everyone says to me when i tell them so i think its bad?"

and he just mumbles

"kacchan said i could play with him again if i got my quirk but i never did. do i get my quirk now? is that why we have cool friends??!"

and bakugo is going to cry bc all might looks so sad and he cant deal with that

so iida and kiri have bought all the crap and they are waiting out from with this tiny bubbly kid who they have to hold hands with or he Will run off to go look at stuff

aizawa shows up in the school car (,,, driven by mic because he cant fucking drive) and izuku is like OH HI

and aizawa is like ",,, hello?"

and izuku sees mic too and he thinks for a few seconds

"are,,, you two the new heroes that just started? from that really cool sports festival!!! i heard you from my preschool!!"

and bakugo is cackling be he fucking remembers that

and aizawa is red and nods and mic is like TINY CHILD WHO ARE YOU because aizawa didnt tell him what was going on

izuku is like "hi im midoriya izuku! please call me izuku!!" and mic is crying bc??? baby boy??

so they get an update ab the villain, apparently the quirk lasts for 2 weeks and allmight is caught between happy bc Tiny and sad bc My Boy??? he says how long it lasts and katsuki groans loudly

"bakugo?"

'AUntIEs iN aMEricA For 3 WeEKs"

"shit"

in the car all might has to hold him because aizawa didnt think this through and there isnt a child seat, so izuku is playing with all mights fringe because its long enough to be in his face and allmight is cry bc its his boy!!!!

they are up front because iida and katsuki need to talk to aizawa about whatever is going down with izuku. kiri is just there for moral support honestly, he is still pretty lost

izuku is asking present mic all these questions about his quirk ands all might is legitimately impressed at the control mic has because h looks like hes 30 seconds from bursting into a screech of joy at this tiny boy but his voice is just a little louder than normal

mic is singing a song in english

and izuku says "thats a rude song! my mum said so!" in perfectly understandable English and katsuki l a u gh hs

"I WAS WAITING FOR HIM TO SLIP UP HAHA"

and mic, cackling bc hes worked it out had to pull over for a sec

all might is red because hes been swearing in english the whole time oops

aizawa is like "Um????? whats happening"

katsuki, through tears : this little shit has known english his whole life but he didnt want more english homework so he just pretended he didnt through middle school and forgot to admit he could when we started UA

izuku looks lost bc what did he do?? mic is saying sorry to this tiny child for singing a rude song, iida is ab to have a stroke

mic and izuku chat about mics quirk in english happily and they pull up to ua and izuku is like wAIT WHAT. bakugo is cringing bc howwww do they explain this

present mic and aizawa, 0 clue what going on "its UA. you go to school here."

"oh, did i get into gen ed? is that why kacchan is my friend again?!!"

"youre in the hero course with me, brat"

and izuku looks upset and aizawa is lost because what kid cries when they are told they get to be a hero

"dont be mean, its rude to lie"

"why would i lie?"

when izuku says hes quirkless bakugo and all might look like someone kicked them

aizawa is like "wait,, quirkless?" and izuku looks at him confused because evryone knows izuku is quirkless

"yeah,, i have the toe thing-y."

and the kids face crumples

"does this mean i cant go into UA now??"

mic picks up the kid before he can start to cry and says "of course not! i bet youd be a great hero, quirk or not!!"

aizawa and mic are giving all might and Bakugo a Look because they look so sheepish

kiri and iida are lost because izuku Very Much has a quirk, it explodes him

all might all but pushes everyone through the gate and aizawa and mic are just staring at him because they Know hes not spilling something

anyway, eri comes to visit!! bc izuku is small!!

she calls him deku and izuku looks sad bc kacchan only calls him deku when hes mad at him and izuku just whispers "you can call me izuku please?" and eri is like "YES IZUKU HI IM ERI HELLO"

izuku is very happy

hes still like, wearing a shirt dress basically so aizawa gets momo, who has a little quiet "HES SO SMALLL" scream in the cupboard, then pops out to make him a onesie. izuku asking if it can be allmight and momo is like “OF COURSE IT CAN YOU LITTLE MUNCHKIN ID DIE FOR YOU”

izuku gets this massive fuzzy onesie and hes like !!!” yourequirkissocoolallmightiloveitsoftthaNKYOU”

momo just hugs him because hes so tiny and cute oh my lord

eri and izuku play heroes!! eri is lemillion and izuku is all might and they are defeating the great villain Kirishima

kiri wasnt warned he was the villain. he just has these kids yeeting on to him and hes so lost

all might and bakugo are trying to make a child sized dinner. they are working together bc if they pretend they are doing something important maybe aizawa wont kill them

aizawa is just,,, glaring at them. he hasnt moved from the corner of the kitchen. bakugo is getting nervous, all might is trying not to spit blood into the food

its like, 4pm? and izuku and eri are sleepy but they are Big Kids so they dont need to nap. all might and bakugo are trying to finish the food before they fall asleep bc god damn it they worked for this

aizawa is trying not to smile but they are so goddamn cute. izuku is cheering because they made katsudon

"kacchan how did you know this was my favourite!! youre so coooolllL!!!!"

bakugo, suddenly feeling crushing guilt: yeah,, im,,, awesome

aizawa is like, walking slowly towards all might and hes scrambling to think of something to spare him from his wrath

bakugo : OH YAGI WERENT YOU ALL MIGHTS SECRATARY

izuku, crying: OH MY GOD

yagi, crying also : thankyou bakugo i owe you my life

izuku is asking so many questions aizawa has to remind him to breathe

please tiny izuku is very fond of aizawa but no one has any idea why bc the dude is scary

"eraserhead sir, when can i see my mum?"

aizawa, suddenly wishing he had kurogiri's quirk: ",,,,you seee"

ok but like, just for a little pain

"it'll be like a sleep over, ok kid?"

"you really want me to stay? most kids wont let me even play for a little while, so no one sleeps over. i can stay home without my mum if you want! i dont wanna bug you,,,"

aizawa, feeling a rush of fondness for this terrible child "no its ok, stay here. youre a good kid"

baby izuku clumsily braiding aizawas hair bc his mum taught him

consider: baby izuku and shinso

baby izuku is on a need to know basis bc there is a traitor somewhere. shinso is just minding his own business and runs into a giggling curly boy

and hes like ",,, who are you???"

"im izuku!!!"

shinso just looking at him and groans

"of course its you. its always you"

he picks up izuku and takes him to aiawa. izuku is patting his hair happily

"i found the gremlin"

"hi eraserhead!!!"

"thank god

izuku makes him help with his hero notes because he doesnt know kanji yet. izuku is just telling him what to do while shinso does as hes told, trying not to smile

[solarsystem69]

Hi 😊 for the system asks how about 🤫: Any Funny System Stories? 🥰: Any Wholesome System Stories? 🎨: Any Hobbies That Everyone In The System Enjoys? - c (The Union)

(Some of this is text convos i’ve had with ex-best mates and some is nsfw cuz funny stories for us generally are rude in nature lol nothing too explicit just weird flirting really) 

we used to make lissie and max dance together and lissie is like "hes an arse but i like to dance so okay" and max is like "fuck off" he dances with her anyway. so like yeah. then we are listening to music and we're like "Dance with lissie" and hes like "no" and so lissie is like "just go back to your lonely tower then, you downer" and hes like "Fine, i will. I will go.. all alone... to my bedroom" like thats hmmm. so once hes gone, lilly is like "Thats an open invitation to you to come to his room to bone" and lissie is like "lol no... wait... is it??" and doll face is like "oh definitely  " and so we send lissie off to find out whether it was in invitation to bone or not. and in our front room we have screens. a main one for the outerworld and some other ones for different rooms in the inner world castle. and so i tap the screen cuz its a little sketchy to use. but anyway, lissie had been upstairs for a while so were worried he killed her  but we see what went on. Lissie went to his room and knocked on the door and he answers. and hes like "I thought you told me to go away." and shes like "Yeah but i didnt think you would and then lilly said you gave me an invitation to join you and bone so.. i just..." and hes like "You came to take me up on my offer to bone?" smirk and shes like "Ugh no. you're an arse and youre rude and obnoxious" and hes like "Oh please go on, im very flattered rn" and shes like "it wasnt a compliment. ugh i hate you." and he like " actually you dont. you like me " and shes like "what no ew" and hes like "You do. i can see it and i understand why. They are all the same downstairs and im not like them" and shes like "Woah, dont you dare say they. they are all individuals" and hes like "Yes. but theyve all got strong morals and good hearts. and youre bored. so you like me" and shes like "ill kick your ass okay. those things are good things to have. youre a jerk" and by now shes like gradually moved closer to be 'intimidating'? and hes like "oh really?" smirkyness and shes like "Yea. youre just so mean and arrogant and you are such a bad person, you need to be--" and hes like "Say it, baby. i dare you." and shes like "..Punished.." and then bam hes practically throwing her on the bed and like ......... so thats when i turned that screen off. so like hilarious in hindsight but at the time. shooketh.

Doll face and lilly integrated (merged into 1 chick) which makes sense because doll face is too emotionally stable but impulsive and lilly is too emotionally unstable but logical. they didnt choose it and it is fairly easy now. or easier. doll face (loved them so much but ) was wayyy too impulsive. always making decisions for the worse but were fun which would have been fine if they actually cared but they didnt. thats okay. they were young. and lilly was lonely and needed to care a little less about her past. and idk. but its deffo for the better. yeah they were family basically anyway so i think shes really happy about it tho sometimes they do look in a mirror like "Wow. now ive got no dick and some small tits". i mean lmao. she really does focus on the small boobs thing. and we're like "they are average 🙂 " and shes like "No. easy for u to say tit-anosaurus rex"

Also, Nate almost called one of our ex-best mates mum’s a milf. 

(ugh going through old messages to mates to see if i can find more funny stories ad accidentally came across trauma ewwww miss me with that shit)

Wholesome... hmmm. we have plenty of sorta funny, interesting stories. Oh actually yes. I know. Okay, so i sorta just am always stalking around the inner world so i see almost everything. But this starts in our front room (like our fronting room but our living room, its genius ik)  we were listening to music (or Nate was) and Fox decided to come dance in the fronting room to the bops and me and Lilly saw them dancing very saucily together 😏 ya know. So we laughed and left. So we're listening to music on the way home and Lilly, Fox and Nate are in the room. And its all chill and then Nate starts flirting with Fox and Fox is all blushing and looking down like "Idk what to do rn" and Lilly and I are laughing and then Fox slightly reciprocated (as a joke probably...) And now Nate jas him basically pinned against a wall. Not physically just like with his intense eye contact. 😂 its hilarious. Lilly is threatening to go get Lissie because she was like "You two dicks aren't going near each other." And Nates like "What gives you the right to declare where my cock goes?" 😂 like wow. And Lilly was like "Oh I'm just going to go get Lissie then" and Nate was like "No no. Don't do that." Cuz Lissie really has the right 😂😂. Nate asked Fox to kiss him and Fox said "No..." 😂 savage but then you make my balls so blue from heathers came on and I'm dead. Fox: Sorry. Its not you. I just can't.. Nate: Okay. You don't have to. Lilly and me: *Sad eye contact cuz we know why Fox doesn't want to kiss anyone* Fox: *Kisses Nate on the cheek* Nate: *Blushes adorably- breaking his bad ass persona* Nate: you know not all sexual stuff involves kissing. Uh. If you don't want it to. Fox: *giggles quietly like a lil twink* I don't want any sex though. As pretty as you are, I just don't want that. Nate: *is absolutely crushed* Yeah. Okay. But I need some cock so imma head out and try to gain some pride. Lilly: I've not built the village in this innerworld yet so.. Idk where you're heading out to. Nate: *sighs so deeply* I'll be in my room then. Stay out. Fox: Sorry. I didn't mean to egg him on at first only to deny him. I just thought it would be fun and then I thought even if it did lead to sex then it wouldn't matter because I don't mind and then I remembered that I did mind and I don't want that. Lilly: *hugs Fox* that's alright. He'll get over it. He's tried it on with all of us atleast once and we're all women. I would've saved Fox from Nate only He didn't look like he wanted to be saved. at this point in time, our innerworld was still being built by lilly so we all were sleeping in one room, with the littles. and i witnessed the sweetest thing. So I was doing the final checks to make sure everyone was in bed and since Nate doesn't want to sleep with the Littles anymore (they can be slightly irritating) I had to go find his room. He's in a tower room. Its not got a bed and it's freezing but hey no loud children. And as I'm about to turn the corner I see Fox knocking on his door after clearly being there for a while debating whether or not to because Nate told us to stay out. Quickly Nate opens the door and immediately as he sees fox, puts his hand on Fox's arm gently (how sweet. Hes not usually gentle) and Fox is all: I'm sorry. I just couldn't kiss you. Just recently with the bad things and the kissing involved in the bad thing. And Nates all: its okay. I shouldn't have put pressure on you like that. I'm so sorry. I understand. And he's hugging him. Like and kissing his head and hes like "Is that alright?" And fox is like "Yeah. Its nice." And squeezes the hug tighter. So sweet honestly. And then Nates like "I know I'm really sexual and that makes you uncomfortable a lot but you know I would never want you to do anything you didn't want to." And fox is all like "I'm just so scared that I'm never going to be able to kiss anyone ever again because I can't get over that time and I really want to forget it." And Nates hugging him really tight and cuz he's taller, he can rest his chin on Fox's head. And im still watching cuz I'm weird and entranced by these confessions. And then Nates like "Do you want to come in?" And Fox is like "No Littles tonight?" And Nates smiling nicely and is like "No I get nightmares and I don't wanna wake them up. And theyre annoying as heck." And fox is like "I know what you mean. Yeah I'll come in." And Nate leads Fox in by his hips gently. *fox and lissie talking bout feelings* Lissie: what's wrong, my sweet? Who hurt you? Fox: *Wiping tears away* no one really. I'm fine. I don't even know why I'm crying. Lissie: Its okay to be sad sometimes. Fox: I'm not sad. I'm nothing. Just numbness. Lissie: that's worse than being sad. Tell me, sweetie. What happened. Fox: I asked Nate to be my boyfriend. I mean, I was kissing him and I didn't get any flashbacks even when I was overthinking and remembering. Nothing and it was so relieving. And I asked him. And he said he had to go for a walk. Lissie: Oh darling. It'll be okay. He loves you. Fox: Does he now? sigh I just love him so much. I love him more than you approve of. I love him so much I don't know what to do. But in not what he needs. He wants physical love and even so, he cant handle commitment. And I know that you don't want us together so you'll get your wish but I need him. Ive never been so relaxed and happy. Lissie: That's true. I've never seen you so happy as recently. I'm glad Nate could bring that to you but I don't approve, no. But if you're going to be together, I will support it. I will encourage happiness, that's a promise I can keep. I'm not disapproving to make it impossible for you to be together, in only disapproving so you have to prove to me that you two can make it. If you two make each other happy, I will be there for you no matter what. Fox: Thank you..... They spoke more but I didn't listen. After strictly avoiding Nate for three days, Fox finally has the courage to face up to him. As the group exit the cozy dining room, Fox weakly holds on to Nate's elbow. Obeying, Nate stares at the ground, clenching his jaw. "I'll start, I suppose." Fox forces out, false confidence strengthening the statement. "I-I'm really sorry that I asked you out. Of course, you wouldn't say yes. That's fine. Completely fine. And I'm really sorry that I made you uncomfortable with me. I really do like you though. Like love really. And even though you don't feel the same... I can't just be your friend. We can keep trying but it will just make us both miserable. We're just lucky the others are giving us time to figure it out instead of just getting rid of us for being dramatic." Fox rants,  getting out of breath and manic toward the end. "I have never heard you say so many words. Are you okay?" Nate smiles charmingly, concerned. "No." Fox answers honestly, a tremble in his voice. Suddenly, Fox is embraced by warm, strong arms. Wriggling further into Nate's warmth, Fox breathes in the boyish scent of Nate. All sharp and smooth. The arms tighten around Fox's shoulders. "I love you too. You know this. I'm sorry that I've been... Not great recently. I just thought we could both use some space. The village... It's the next thing to be built. But I-I don't just want it there for sex. I wouldn't do that to you. I just like the people they're interesting and good friends. You're the one I want. They're nothing compared to the beautiful complexities of you. I hope you'll accept my request to be your boyfriend." Nate excruciatingly slowly spills his soul, hands rubbing the back of Fox's neck how he likes it. Fox freezes, slowly pulling away after a few moments. "You... I'm sorry, what?" Fox whispers, teary eyed. "Please let me be your boyfriend. I'll beg on my knees, I swear. I'm so sorry. I've never been so lonely as I've been without you. Please come back to me." Nate practically sobs, hands reaching up to cover his face. "You actually want to be my boyfriend? What? No... That can't be right... Right? What?" Fox, ever the articulate bean, mutters, completely confused and shocked. "Yes. I want to be your boyfriend. I won't have sex with anyone and I won't hug or touch anyone else I swear. I miss you so much. I hate everyone else so much. I need you." Nate falls to his knees, taking Fox's hand in his and pressed his lips to the soft skin as he rambles, tears falling down his face. "You absolute idiot. You moron. You complete fool." Fox sighs, rambling random tiny insults, before falling to his knees and taking Nate's face in his hands. "I'm so totally in love with you." Fox mumbles, pressing his forehead to Nate's. a couple weeks later: they sang a love song together. 😩 I literally cried. Nate on his guitar and Fox singing. Ive never seen him so relaxed and happy. Ahhh. I wanna cry I'm so excited. 😂😂😂 these boys will be the death of me. theyre both the biggest drama queens and they so gay.

im so sorry that was so long but their relationship created so much drama between us bc we didnt know if it would work out and theyre the most wholesome boys, except nate but well he has his moments. softest boiis uwu. 

Everyone in the system likes to sing and play games and read. Fox mainly likes to write and stuff but Evan is also knows for her nice stories on wattpad lmao. We arent very active, so we dont do much sport but we do like badminton and we used to do a running club. Evan likes baking, where it stressed me tf out. i cant even crack an egg right. only Evan draws really. Our main hobbies are minecraft, eating unhealthy foods and sleeping :) 

[single30smumtobeviaspermdon-blog]

This Is Me -33,Single,Mummy to be Via Sperm Donor.

So today is my first ever blog post. So I will introduce myself and why I wanted to start a blog.

My name is Jessica, I’m 34 this year,been single for the past 8 years. I’ve dated guys here and there but never anything long term,my friends would say I was a “ProActive Dater” and I  always seem to be the one who gets burnt, I’m finding the guys I’ve met dont really wanna settle down,or just be dating just me, or they have been married or in a long term relationship,had kids and dont want anymore. So it leaves me to where I am now?

When I was 26, I was told I had the early signs of cervical cancer,at the time I was recently single after a 6 year relationship ended, I felt my whole world would be over, as only the year before my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 mestactic breast cancer and was only given 18 months to live

.After 7 years of surgerys,check ups every 3-6 months then being told I may not ever have children, I could never get too “clucky” as I didnt want to get my hopes up.It wasnt until October 2018 I got my results back after a 12 mth clearance to be told, its completly gone...The shock and emotion I had at the time I broke down and cryed with joy as I never thought this rollercoaster would end and my specialist did tell me if it came back,It would have resulted in a hysterectomy.I felt it was a gift from my mother,(She lost her battle to cancer in July 2017,after 7.5 yrs fighting)

You could say after I walked out of the doctors surgery that day, I walked out with a new lease on life, I started to think more about the future and what I wanted for myself. I became clucky and thinking to myself wow I can become a mum.. But I’m 33 and single and nothing on the horizon and just tired of dating,the lies and bullshit you have to go through.So I was thinking alot of friends who are married with kids,ones who are single parents on there own and doing it well and looking at the chance of doing IVF.

I was telling an old time friend about my plans to be a mum and was looking at doing IVF, then she had told me about a Australian site a friend of hers is on where there are donors willing to help people out. Her friend is in the process atm. So I added the site. I also remember seeing on tv a few yrs ago this site helping people becoming parents. I joined the group seen what people write or donors wanting to offer there help  etc. It amazed me really, there are kind people out there willing to help peoples dreams of parenthood come true.

So a few weeks past,my holiday to Bali on my own came up, this was my chance to relax and really think if I’m gonna do this and also cause my depo shot was now due (contraceptive). I weighed up the Pro’s and Con’s and decided Lets do this, I’ll be 40 by the time Mr Right may show up and sweep me off my feet then it will be too late to start a family for me. Plus I’m just done with dating right now.Whilst I was away I was scrolling the doner site etc and I happened to see a doner ad which caught my attention. Hes new to the whole thing as am I . I wrote a comment on his ad and said, I’d be looking at the end of the year, as I’m waitng for the depo to wear off and get periods again etc. I really didn’t think I’d get a reply as it seems to far away and there were already comments to him.

I woke up the next day and BOOM..There was a reply from the donor to my email,saying he would be interested to help possibly and wanted to know more about me etc and care to chat. I couldnt believe I got a reply, He told me he had over 10 offers and He only wants to donate twice. I didnt know how my chances would be really..After a few days of chatting and expectations of how it will be done etc,he told me he wanted to help out. It all has fallen into my lap easily so far.So its been 5 weeks since I’ve come off my contraceptive and feeling all the withdrawal symtoms.After being on the depo shot on and off over 10 yrs I havent had a period for 3 years, so now its the waiting process at the moment. I have been reading womens post to help get your body on track so I’ve just started taking a pregnancy tablet to take daily to help me along and get my body ready. And I’ll be booking in to see my doctor to let them know about my future plans and see how everything looks.

So I’ve told some close friends and a few work people my plan and desires of being a mum and how I’m going to do this by a sperm donor. Alot have been positive and supportive,I have a great friend network around me, but there has been a couple who have there own veiws, some are set in old school ways thinking you have to be married and be 2 parents to have a baby,some are weirded out with the way I’m going to do this with someone I don’t know or just seeing if I’m ready for this journey? I think some also forget how old I actually am?

The reason why I chose to do it this way via a donor is because my child will have the name of the person who helped me create them,not just from a lab where you get very limited information on doners. I also will be going to meet the donor soon and catch up and make sure he’s the right fit and has the same intentions as I do. I have a friend who will come and give me there advice too. Soo thats everything in the works and is up to date as of now, so I will post when I have updates and journey progress. 

I really just wanted to do a blog to help not only myself but also women in the same positon,where there single and wanting to be a mum and are gonna do it on there own via sperm donor and show yes they can do it on there own and do a damn good job.

This will be on my progress and also on life as my days are never to dull

Till next time :) Stay Tuned!

[hiccps]

hey guys, im syre n im 21 from australia rip which is why i am here so late bc my ass just woke up (lets ignore the fact its 3pm) anyways this is the first time i’ve rped in a while so im rly excited n u know i love rps that arent set in the u.s so im super hype for this. this is very long n a real Mess so pls hit me up for connections, this poor child needs a good bff bc their life has gone 2 shitz n also come b my friend my discord is syre#9813

[ JOSEPHINE SKRIVER ] — oh SHE/THEY ?? that’s just LUNA ROMERO, the TWENTY THREE year old GENDERFLUID that just graduated from nyu with a degree in CHEMICAL AND BIOMOLECULAR ENGINEERING. around campus, they were known as the QUIXOTIC, probably because they were really LOYAL, and also pretty IDEALISTIC but they’re actually a lot more than that. they’re coming to curacao in hopes to LIVE LIFE ONE LAST TIME. i wonder if they’ll accomplish it before they leave. 

death tw, shooting tw, depression tw, suicide attempt tw

serafina alegría lucia romero de luca born in rosario argentina

she was raised by her uncle who was only 18 at the time she was born and her grandmother

her uncle called her luna as a nickname because he said she was born on a full moon n she always lit up like one whenever she saw him

her father, who was only barely 22 was always away working to provide for her and her brother and rarely had time off to see them since he was working at the mines

her mother ran off when she was quite young, she can barely remember her face but her uncle says that her mother ran off to study in the U.S since she had her when she was 19 and her brother when she was 16

when she was about 7 years old her grandma had moved to the U.S permanently so she was raised just by her uncle who eventually moved her and her older brother cesar to new york when she was 10 years old

they lived in jackson heights since there was a lot of argentines there

up until she was like 13 she could only speak spanish but her uncle made sure that she studied and did her homework and he made sure that she spoke english to her brother and all her friends and only spoke spanish to him and her grandma

as she got older, around the age of 10-15 he had to work a lot more and she relied on her older brother more often

she used to follow cesar around and played soccer on the streets and followed after his friends

she was a “tomboy” and often referred to herself as a boy as well

but she also loved cooking with her grandma and said she was a girl whenever she was cooking

her brother used to tease her but she always responded that she can be both a girl and a boy n he never really argued with her

soccer was something she genuinely loved and she was also always good at math since it was the same when she was at school in argentina

n she missed argentina a lot so playing soccer in the streets with her brother reminded her of playing soccer in the streets in rosario

*shooting tw, death tw: when she was about seventeen, she was being walked home by her brother from school, they had gotten caught in a crossfire of a drive by shooting

her brother had pushed her to the ground to protect her and had gotten shot in the process and eventually died of his wounds

she was really broken from his death n felt like she didnt know who she was since she lost a huge part of herself

she fell into a deep depression n never really properly grieved his death

she lots someone who protected her and her uncle was still away for work

she pushed her grandma away and secluded herself from everyone else n she even deferred her first year of university

she felt like her brother and uncle abandoned her and she wanted to rebel so her uncle would come back

she wanted him to visit her n stay n look after her

she started going out to parties and skipping church which shocked her deeply religious, catholic grandmother

she was getting high, neglecting football and sleeping around

there were days where she didnt come home at all n eventually her grandma told her uncle who ended up moving back in to deal with her

he understood what she was doing n he promised that he wasnt going anywhere as long as she got her life back on track

but they still found it hard to address the fact she was depressed n would go days just staying in bed sleeping

both her grandma and uncle didnt want to admit that she had depression

she struggled with it throughout her university years on top of the burden of studying as well as not dealing with her brothers death

SUICIDE TW** she did try to take her life when she was 22 coming up to the anniversary of her brothers death but her uncle found her n rushed her to the hospital

from that day he tried to educate himself on depression n was always looking at different ways for her to cope n even took her to a psychologist

he put all his attention on her mental and physical health n was always worried about keeping her alone

which is why he was slightly hesitant but still overall supportive abt her going to curacao. he did suggest that he come with her smh so that they’d go to argentina at the end of the trip to visit her dad

but yeah thats all i have for her

PERSONALITY + FUN FACTS

shes very open about things that dont have to do with her brothers death like family life, where her parents are, genderfluidity, sex life, love life, soccer, body you name it, her depression but not where it stems from

she plays the piano!! her fave piece is kiss the rain by yiruma

super idealistic n it was also ingrained by her uncle?? she used to always say she wanted to marry her uncle n he always reinforced it like no one is ever going to love her like he does n if inevitably, someone does pique her interest she has to promise that she wont settle for anything less than the best n shes gna be with someone who loves her almost as much as he loves her

she wants to pursue soccer professionally n play for argentina’s womens football team!!

up until her brothers death, only a few people called her luna n her grandma still refers to her as serafina but after his death she only went by luna

she comes from a deeply religious catholic background btu shes more spiritual n only goes to church to appease her grandma

idolises lionel messi, a true argentine treasure

her great grandparents from her dads side moved to argentina from spain n her grandparents from her mums side moved to argentina from italy

she is left handed n left footed

her position is right wing n considers herself 2 be a playmaker

huge nail biter

identifies as panromantic pansexual

she can speak 3 languages, english, spanish n portuguese

loves to dance, gets real rowdy

huge drinker, can knock down 5 shots just for pregaming

adopted a cute lil chow chow named brutus in honour of her brother

aesthetics: hiccups, nipple piercings, canola fields, drinking cold water on a hot day, tripping on a flat surface

yall know my dude is supporting argentina for the wc

huge fc barcelona fan (has nothign to do with messi)(it has everything to do with messi but lets not get into it)

loves the beach n water in general

also loves full moons

swears like a sailor

loves seafood, allergic to prawns though

her favourite romance movies are before sunset, eternal sunshine of a spotless mind, when harry met sally & pretty woman

that being said she feels like she n clementine kruczynski are the same person

wanted connections: 

best friend: they were best friends as kids and maybe dabbled into feelings but decided ultimately they’d stay as best friends [ alvaro ]

best friend 2: basically ride or die, fuck shit up together, cry over shit together, fight people for each other [ evie ]

best friend 3: 

roommate: [ isa ]

ride or die: [ cindy ]

frenemies

love n hate banter relationship: [ ingrid ]

ex gf/bf/partner: 

ex bestie

neighbour??

dorm room roomie

[mental-health-advice]

Submission about abuse

(this might be long, sorry) near the end of august, i was going to LA with some friends and my dad was driving there. we were talking and he mentioned that he used to make me drink my own throw up when i would throw up into a cup of green juice. my friend said that it was abuse. i later privately asked if it really was abuse, and she said it was an “unusual form of punishment”. ever since then, i’ve been wondering if i was abused. back when i was in seventh and eighth grade (im in 9th now) (1/?)

i used to be *very* afraid of going to my dad’s (my parents are divorced. on wednesdays and thursdays my dad picks me up, on mondays and tuesdays my mom does. every other weekend im with one or the other). i didn’t know why thoufh, i just was. one memory that stuck with me ever since i was younger, was when my dad was drunk. according to him, he was always drunk. he asked me to use the water that came from a nug, not the fridge. i didn’t listen and used the refrigerator water. he somehow (2/?)

found out and grabbed me buy my shirt, lifted me up, spun me around the room and slammed me against the wall. he then told me to go to my room, and i ran upstairs crying. he apologized later and i genuinely accepted it, i think. anyway, well ever since i learned that the throwing up thig was abuse, ive been struggling. it wasnt bad at first, i was just trying to figure out if i was abused or not. but then somehow, as time went on, it got worse. i started dreading going to my dad’s more and (3/?)

becoming more afraid of him. he always yelled all the time, and he was aggresive when he did. he was also (mildly) aggresive when he was drunk, he scared me. even if it wasnt physical abuse, i was (and am, maybe. idk) verbally abused. i started escaping to my friend’s house so i wouldnt have to be with him, but that got harder because she got mad at me for it. and then became harder when he forced me to work for seven hours straight, no break or anything. he was very harsh, and it made (4/?)

things worse, i began to read a lot of stuff from abuse survivors, and realized i related to all of them way too much. i read something saying that if you were abused at a young age then your brain was most likely going to repress the memories, which i realized my brain mustve done. because i didnt remember anything at all, except for one or two thingd, but i was still somehow dealing with trauma from it. my dad has actually admitted that he did abuse me, but i still feel like im being (5/?)

dramatic. i reallt want to remember everything, and its so frusturating that i can’t. do you think theres anyway i can? im really sorry that this is so long, and this might be too much so you dont have to answer, i just had to vent

Hi darling,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with this. It can be tough to face the knowledge that you’ve been abused and deal with all the feelings it brings up. The same goes for trying to remember everything that happened but being unable to. It must be really frustrating!

The things you do remember really aren’t okay, and I definitely agree with your friend that your dad was abusive towards you. Being drunk isn’t an excuse, and I think it’s not exactly good parenting to get so drunk around your little children either. But I can understand that at first you were more okay with everything that happened and you accepted it more, because back then it felt normal for you. You didn’t know better, so you didn’t think anything was wrong. Looking back to it now you do see it was wrong, so now you’ve got a bunch of memories that you suddenly have a lot of feelings about, which is really hard.

I promise you that you aren’t being dramatic! The things you describe count as abuse, and if even your dad has admitted he was abusive towards you, he definitely was. Your struggles are valid, there’s no need to doubt yourself <3 Just because you don’t remember many occasions doesn’t mean they didn’t happen , as you say yourself it’s possible you repressed these memories and your dad has admitted to being abusive. That’s the proof you need that some things happened. It’s frustrating you can’t remember it all happening! On the other hand, there’s a reason you repressed these memories- they were too difficult to cope with at the time. Recovering them will be really tough, so I’d highly advise you not to try and do so without the help and support of a professional! If you see a professional, I think at first you’ll see if you can recover the memories through regular talking therapy. If that doesn’t seem to help, there are other options, such as EMDR or hypnotherapy.

I truly hope you’re able to surround yourself with a great support system, as you shouldn’t have to deal with all of this by yourself. Whether or not you’re able to recover some memories, this understandably is difficult and you deserve all the help you can get. I don’t know how close you are to your mum or how your parents separated, but maybe this is something you can talk to her about as well? She knows your dad really well so she might have some input. If you feel like this is something she might not be neutral or unbiased in due to the way they separated for example, then it might be better to ask her support in a different way, but she can still be of support for you! I hope that this was at least a little helpful. Let us know if there's anything else we can do to help!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful <3 Love Pauline