#and my job obviously but thats just an inconvenience

[lindscys]

bold statement incoming : i'm gonna be here and do things and actually be present today <3

[the-kneesbees]

you cant seriously expect me to choose between ap art- something related to what I'm gonna pursue after highschool, and band- a seven year long commitment that I do with all my friends. thats not fair. no one else has to make a decision like this. everyone going into medical or business are talking to guidance counselors about what courses will help them best with their future. I'm being forced to choose between two things I care about. its not fair.

[heyheydidjaknow]

Maybe it's just fuelled by bias, but I never interpreted L as a virgin or completely inept when it comes to physical affection. i mean i agree with the idea that he's not the most experienced, but idk i always held the notion that he would view sex, arousal, etc as [within the context of not having a partner] just an bodily inconvenience that could be ignored until it couldn't, or even just a way of stress relief that he'd either take care of himself, or resort to a one night stand (under a different alias, in an impersonal setting and most likely never contact them again).

i think in terms of physically affection he'd understand it phonetically - for lack of a better word; like when children are learning to talk, and instead of understanding the right pronunciation and meaning of words, they just know what it sounds like and know roughly how to use the word. L understands what affection looks like, he knows usually when it's expected and how to mimic and adapt to his partner's wants, etc. but he doesn't understand fully (either from his childhood, or his analytical nature) that physical affection is just a common thing that happens for the sake of it, and instead thinks it happens because x and happens in the context of y. if that makes any sense what so ever.

idk. this isn't a slight against you btw, i like the way you write him and i think you're the best person to dump interpretations of him if thats ok.

I agree with aspects of this but I’m still going to argue because it’s fun to do that. Obviously this is a perfectly valid way of interpreting the text but what’s the point of sharing opposing viewpoints if not to discuss and contrast them?

I’m going to mark his whole thing with Misa as one of my biggest points for L being somewhat into sex. We see him enjoying her hypersexual ads, he responds to her kiss on the cheek like someone who understands and is somewhat comfortable with physical contact and when he’s confronted about the obvious ickiness that is his restraining Misa he does seem genuinely off-put when Misa calls him a perv, which means he at the very least seems to understand how it could be construed that way. I agree with your point to an extent that in practical terms all things sexual would become something like a chore but I think that would just be the way that a lot of things would get if your mind is singularly focused on a task for extended periods. He just does not have a lot of time to take time to enjoy that sort of thing the same way he does not have time to enjoy eating a proper meal without working.

I agree with the general physical affection thing to an extent— that he would be naturally inclined to make it a bit more clinical and follow more linear reasoning— but I don’t imagine that a person whose job it is to watch and understand people would not also put together that physical affection is just a social need that people typically have. To not be able to understand that much— that touching someone can and is a mean in it of itself— seems like a huge oversight on his part if that is the case. And, again, he does respond positively to physical affection, so I don’t think he’s necessarily unfamiliar with it; even going beyond the cheek kiss, he has no issue holding hands with Light and Misa in their circle thing, and doesn’t react negatively or as if he’s startled when Aizawa grabs his shoulder during the whole Sakura TV incident. This leads me to believe that he has enough practical experience with being physically touched to not be weirded out by it or not know how to respond to it, which is why I’ve always hinted at the idea that his childhood did have a lot of normal person on person interaction in it to explain this discrepancy.

[goldenempyrean]

can you write something supercorp where lena has to do a public announcement but is obviously sick and is doing a bad job at hiding it bc shes sneezy and sniffly? Please 🙏

Working Too Hard

〚 Notes - This request was super super cute and I had fun writing it :D Im still super open for requests too, I might update my prompt list later today! 〛

〚 Pairing - Supercorp 〛

〚 Summary - After buying Catco Lena has to announce it to the public - just her luck that she ends up sick on the day of the announcement 〛

〚 Wordcount - 1700 〛

〘 Check Out My Masterlist! ��

〘 Part 2 〙

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Lena Luthor, CEO of L-Corp and scientific genius. The last thing anyone expected of her was to buy CatCo Media. 

Yet, here she was, the day of the announcement. Some might’ve expected her to be beaming with excitement or enthusiasm. Any two would be a normal reaction to such a big day but excitement was certainly not the emotion was she currently feeling. 

Sat in her brand-new office, Lena sniffled and rubbed her red, irritated nose with a tissue, crumpling it into a ball before tossing it into a nearby wastebasket. She had been dealing with this cold for a couple of days now, and it seemed to be getting worse at the most inconvenient time possible - much to the worry of her girlfriend. 

Her head was pounding, and her nose felt like it was on fire. She sniffled and reached for another tissue, but to her dismay, the box was empty. "Of course.” she muttered to herself, frustrated at her lack of preparation. She rummaged through her desk drawers, desperately searching for any spare tissues, but to no avail. Just great. 

The press announcement was scheduled to start in just a few minutes, and Lena knew she couldn't delay it. CatCo's employees were already gathering in the conference room, and reporters were waiting downstairs.  

This deal was significant for both L-Corp and CatCo, and she didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially not the CatCo staff who were looking forward to a new beginning under her ownership. Not only that, with her the weight of her last name constantly overshadowing her work, it was imperative this went as smooth as possible.  

And so, she stood up shakily, trying to collect herself despite feeling so under the weather. Her vision blurred for a moment, but she steadied herself on the edge of the desk until the dizziness passed. She knew she had to just make it through this announcement, and then she’d be swiftly taken home by the blonde Kyrptonian who was anxiously waiting to dote over her. 

The large double doors of the conference room sneaked open as Lena quietly came in - she wasn’t one for making scenes - the room was packed with bustling reporters from across the city and she tried desperately to land on Kara’s soft familiar eyes in the crowd. Lena had no such luck however, not with all these people constantly moving, but she did see the hurried form of her assistant rushing over towards her. 

“Are you sure you should be doing this, Ms. Luthor? You don’t look well at all. Should I call Kara? I think one of the security guys pulled her aside for a moment.” She said, nodding over towards the front of the stage where Lena recognised Alex in her DEO issued security vest talking with Kara. So thats where she was. 

"I'll be fine," Lena managed to say with a forced smile, trying to hide the severity of her illness, “Everything will be fine.” Her tone wavered a little, almost as if she didn’t quite believe herself there. 

“Lena!” The worried voice of Kara was instantly at her side as she approached the stage, “Sorry I had to talk with my sister for a second there. Are you feeling any better than this morning?” 

She shook her head. Kara had tried so hard to convince her to postpone this morning, but the Luthor was stubborn, and she muffled a hoarse cough before replying, “Kara, love. You don’t need to worry so much, it’ll be fine…” She shivered, a sharp chill running down her body – her low cutting shirt did little to ward off the cold. 

The blonde sighed, taking off her thin cardigan and pulling it around her shoulders. There wasn’t much more she could do. Maybe if there weren’t so many people, she would’ve just flown her home there and then. “Just... don’t push it. I’ll be right behind you.” Kara whispered, taking the Luthor’s hand as they both stepped on stage before the Kyrptonian took a few steps back to let Lena have the podium. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here today," Lena began, her raspy voice in stark contrast to her usual confident tone. "I'm here to announce that L-Corp has officially acquired CatCo Media. We believe that this acquisition will lead to exciting new opportunities for both companies and revolutionise the media industry." 

She tried her hardest to focus on her prepared speech, but her congested sinuses made it difficult to enunciate her words clearly. Not only that but every word she spoke felt like a struggle, and she had to suppress several sneezes that were threatening to escape. Which worked…for about 30 seconds. 

"Hh'uhh… hih'schhh! Ehh'tschh!" Lena's face scrunched up as she stifled the sneezes, her cheeks turning slightly pink from both the effort and embarrassment. 

Whispers started to spread among the audience, and Lena's assistant discreetly handed her a glass of water. She took a sip to soothe her throat and continued, attempting to maintain her composure. But as she spoke, her voice grew progressively weaker and more congested. 

Kara stepped closer; concern etched on her face. "Lena, honey, if you’re not up to this we can reschedule. People will understand.” 

"No," Lena insisted, her voice wavering. "I can't… hh'uhh… afford to postpone this. It's… important."  

With some heavy reluctance Kara left her side and Lena continued to soldier on, determined not to let this overshadow the significance of the announcement. But the more she spoke, the worse she felt. Her nose was running, her head was spinning, and her body was growing weaker with every passing moment. 

Just as Lena was about to conclude her speech, she let out a sudden, powerful sneeze that she couldn't hold back any longer.  

"Hh’hhiii…Hh’iishieew!" The sneeze echoed through the room, and Lena's shoulders slumped as she tried to catch her breath. Kara was by her side in an instant, keeping her steady arm wrapped around the Luthor’s waist.  

“You’re okay, you’re okay.” Kara whispered as she saw the panic settling into her girlfriend’s eyes as turning her head to avoid her lips being read, “Sweetheart just wrap things up now, you’ve done more than enough here now.” 

The audience was now fully aware of her condition. Some looked concerned, some sympathetic, and some even suggested calling off the rest of event but Lena raised a hand, signalling that she had a few more words to say. 

"I apologise for my condition, as you can see from this spectacle I’m just as human as the rest of you." she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper but it earned a small chuckle from the crowd, "I am truly excited about this acquisition, but it seems my body has other plans. Rest assured, though, that CatCo is in excellent hands, and I will ensure its continued success." 

With that Lena turned away from the podium, straight into the waitings arms of Kara who carefully helped her down. The room was filled with a mix of applause and sympathetic murmurs, and Lena could feel her cheeks burning with embarrassment as the blonde ushered her back up to her office. 

“You did so well love.” Kara whispered one they shut the door behind them before reaching out to move the several stray strands of hair which had fallen out of place and in front of the Luthor’s eyes, “Oh baby, you’re really burning up here, aren’t you?” She whispered, as her hand moved to press against her forehead. 

“Do you think they accepted it?” Lena mumbled in reply, her feverish head still swamped up in work. 

“Of course, they did, you made everyone proud out there today.” The blonde gently soothed her nerves before nudging her back to the prior conversation, “Should we get you home then love? Come on, I’ll fly us just this once.” Kara didn’t like to use her powers for personal reasons but flying was the fastest way to get her home. 

As they stepped outside, Kara noticed the chilly evening air. She gently wrapped her red cape around Lena, providing her some extra warmth, and then scooped her up into her arms with ease.  

Lena snuggled closer, resting her head on Kara's shoulder, finding comfort in the warmth of her super-powered girlfriend. 

Kara's flight back to Lena's apartment was swift, and she gently landed on the balcony. She carefully carried Lena inside, making sure not to jostle her too much. Once in the living room, Kara set Lena down on the soft, plush sofa, and Lena immediately sank into the cushions, her eyelids heavy with fatigue. 

"Stay right here, love. I'll get you some water and a few blankets," Kara said, her voice soft and soothing. She quickly went to the kitchen and fetched a glass of water, along with a couple of blankets from the bedroom. As she returned to the living room, she saw Lena already lying down, her eyes closed. 

Kara couldn't help but smile at the sight of her girlfriend looking so vulnerable and cute, even in her current state. She gently draped the blankets over Lena, making sure she was warm and comfortable. Kara then sat down next to her on the sofa, stroking Lena's hair tenderly. 

Lena stirred slightly, mumbling incoherently, and Kara couldn't make out what she was saying. But it didn't matter; she knew Lena was exhausted and needed rest. The Kryptonian leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Lena's forehead. 

"Just sleep, Lena," Kara whispered. "I'll be right here, watching over you." 

Lena's hand weakly reached out and grasped Kara's, holding it tightly. "Mmm, 'ove you," she mumbled drowsily. 

"I love you too," Kara replied, her heart swelling with affection for the woman before her. She stayed by Lena's side, keeping a watchful eye as her girlfriend's breathing gradually steadied and deepened, indicating she had finally fallen asleep. 

And a watchful eye she kept indeed. Throughout the rest of the day Kara stayed back her side, ready with soothing words when fever fuelled nightmares plagued her dreams or when fits of coughing left her unable to rest. Through it all Kara was there, holding her close and never letting go. 

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[strawberriesancreamdrpepper]

hi guys, big update

okay, I haven't posted in awhile, but I think I'm starting to get an idea of what i'm going to be able to do consistently.

here's what's been happening.

the biggest update I have is... I bought a scale!! this has been a long time coming, I don't know how many people understand how long I have been waiting to do this. I haven't had my own scale since maybe beginning of 2022, this is big. I've been waiting or considering buying one since maybe november of 2023, a long time. I was suspicious of where I could buy one without my parents finding out, since I am 14, but I managed to find a way. since i've been considering buying one, i've known I would not be able to buy one online, it would have to be in person. the question is... where? because cvs or target or anywhere that sells them is not a place i'm able to access without bringing my parents, but recently (literally 2 days ago) I was looking up where I could buy one, and it said there was some in stock at a job lot, literally down the road from my house, and across from the gym I go to. so, I cooked up the perfect plan. say i'm going to walk to the gym, while I'm there say i'm going to pick up some chocolate from job lot to use to bake, buy a scale plus chocolate to cover my tracks, and slip the scale into my backpack. so I mean yeah that's basically what I did. I did have some trouble getting it into my backpack, so I had to take it out of the box and stuff it in there, and it made my backpack a weird shape, but I managed to get it into my room, hopefully un-suspiciously and now... I have my own scale. I feel so... powerful. like omg. finally. Im so happy. my logic for buying one now, not yesterday, not a week, a month, a year ago, is because i've usually had access to one at least once to twice a week but that's all going to change when I start school, first because I will be getting home at 5pm, and my dad leaves after I do for work so I cant before school, and he usually sits in his room after work after I get home so I cant weigh after school either. and, my mom is having surgery so shes going to be sitting in the room the scales in 24/7 for basically 4 weeks, so, I literally cannot deal with not weighing for 4 weeks are you kidding. (also shes completely fine don't worry! its a really easy procedure for a condition that's not life threatening in the first place. I know it sounds like I'm being selfish in thinking that the surgery is just an inconvenience for me not to be able to weigh myself but, it is simply that because its not really a very big deal. anyway, she will be okay, and the surgery should greatly improve her life so, all is well.) thats the first reason, the second is that I figure in order to truly become a full anorexic I need to be able to obsess over my weight very closely, and again that's not possible unless I have a scale I have access to at all times. so, I have a scale. AHHHH!!! I'm so happy you have no idea, again, i've been patiently waiting for this, for a chance I'm able to buy one safely without my parents finding out, for so long. and i've tested it and it works and I'm literally just on such a high from this its going to make such a difference and so improve my life by so much. okay so obviously a very short explanation, sorry, I didn't have a lot of time.

other than finally buying and having my own scale (seriously, finally, God) I have cooked up a perfect diet I will be able to follow. okay so I wanted to keep it basic, high enough to be sustainable, but low enough its considered unhealthy for my own peace of mind, so here it is:

1000 calorie limit (absolute limit) so usually I will do 700-950 range. i will accept like maybe one day a week where I do 1200 limit but if its over 1200 I will probably use my lax tea or try and purge it.

for exercise, I am on a cross country team that meets 5 days a week, one of those days being an actual meet. I want a step count of 10-15k if I don't meet it by the time I get home I have a treadmill I can use to meet a minimum of 10k, there is no exceptions of this even on weekends, because, obviously, small things make a difference.

for water, I want a minimum of 1 liter of water a day, this is absolutely necessary for digestion and just general appetite suppressing.

I think when I start school I will ban breakfast, maybe have some tea before school if absolutely necessary but it's just unnecessary calories. i've recently been into actually paying attention to macros outside of calories so I want 40g of protein and 15g of fiber on my lowest days. those are slightly exceptions because not everyday can be perfect but that's my goal.

I want abs once a week just because and other than that cross country should cover my bases until november.

sleep is so so important so I want 8 minimum good solid hours a day and no exceptions for that.

so that's the diet plan as for general weight goals, heres what's happening. right now I'm no heavier than 120 I think that's like me bloated. I want to lose about 2 pounds minimum every week, so about 8 pounds a month, however I want to make my goal 10 pounds a month, but 8 is minimum. my ugw is 80 pounds so I have roughly 4 months before I meet my goal weight. so that's why my goal date to be at my goal weight (see I'm so cool for rhyming) is december 31st. I, moony-likes-water, am officially making the goal that I want to be 80 pounds on december 31st. so, it would make sense for me to say, September 1st I will be 120 max, October 1st I will be 110 max, November 1st I will be 100 max, December 1st I will be 90 max, and December 31st I will be 80 max. is this unrealistic? let me know in you guy's formal opinion. Google says the max healthily is 8lbs a month, but im not really doing it super healthy? so maybe 10 is realistic? to ed girls is 10 a month normal. tell me, please.

so generally, once schools starts hopefully i will be so distracted by starting highschool and being stressed out I will forget to eat! also, the good thing is that after my mom has surgery my brother is... also having surgery. my brother is ftm and is getting top surgery! I'm super proud of him for finally making this big step in his transition, please wish him luck, also... my parents will be soooo busy taking care of him, they wont even pay attention to me so I can peacefully lose weight without them even noticing. this is it guys, I'm finally going to do it.

binging is obviously a huge problem, but I know that I have control of myself enough to not. I am in control of my body and of my actions and I have the sense not to if I put my mind to it. so, if I really ever get a bad urge, I am required by the law of my good friend ana to scroll through pro Tumblr for at least 10 minutes so that I can be serenaded by the voices of angels telling me it'll be okay. so it will be fine, I know, I KNOW, I can do it. why?? because I've done it before. i've lost 25 pounds before I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

ANYWAY, all that being said, I will be updating hopefully very often seeing as how Tumblr is a great community and resource so... if you want to then please follow along with me! we CAN reach our ugw ik that if I can do it you can so WHO'S WITH ME!!!

that's all for now, I'm going to go sleep with my new scale under my pillow and whisper sweet nothings into its ear. goodnight and good luck!!

[goremet-chef]

godd my sibling is such a dick sometimes

we are two very different people yknow, theyre out applying to jobs in person and im too scared to leave my own house for anything more than a car ride or maybe going out to eat. i have pretty cripping arachnophobia like i would say it controls my day to day life. i have certain routines i go through that i always do when im leaving a room, coming up the stairs etc in terms of like. spider scanning to make sure theres no threat cuz like

in my head it is a threat, but not for the reasons youd think. ive never been afraid a spider was gonna hurt me (unless its like. a widow or something else fucky but i dont see many venomous types). the biggest threat for me and my wellbeing is if it touches me or not. i cannot let them touch me under any circumstance because it makes me want to like. rip my skin off or some shit. i wont be normal for a while if one does (which unfortunately has happened so thats how i know)

this is a pretty big inconvenience for me obviously but apparently its also a huge inconvenience watching me deal with it cuz they complain all the time about how my fear makes no sense and how its not that big of a deal. i know its irrational! its a PHOBIA. i know it doesnt make sense but at the end of the day i still feel it and the fear it brings so maybe stfu!!!

being argued with over my own fear is so. like they start speaking as if they know better than me "the spiders arent going to touch you" yeah not if i can help it! i have really bad luck with spiders tho and i can guarantee they probably will if they could. the way they act around me its like im a magnet bro. if theres one on the ceiling i will never walk under it because it WILL fall on me, thats happened several times. kill them as soon as you can reach on the walls cuz they will fall and crawl on yr bed or floor, etc like. DO NOT try and tell ME what a spider will do, i know what theyll do and im hardly ever wrong. when you spend as much time as i do looking out for them and watching them, you get a good feel for their behavior.

daddy long legs are the worst for me because of their. extendo reach thats more touching capability!!! theyr fucking massive in my eyes because the legs count, comparing their legspan to other spiders its very obvious why theyd be the ones i justcannot deal with. plus they are CLUMSY they fall so much i hate it

and then my sibling was CONFUSED??? as to why i couldnt kill the ones we were seeing myself. was genuinely confused when i said that i have a hard time killing any spiders because i get nervous before i swing and sometimes i fuck up just based on nerves alone. like why is that such a shock how can you barely fathom that if someones nervous theyre gonna hesitate and mess up a bit, its so.

im tired of explaining myself all the time, but i keep doing it over and over cuz they seem to forget that one of my defining characteristics is my fear of spiders like. they all know about it they never fail to complain about it and theyll be like "but thats so inconvenient for you to do this extra shit just to avoid a spider" yeah! it is! i wish i didnt feel this way at all, i wish i could be normal like them, but im not

its one of those things where like. as much as you dont like to hear about it or see me deal with it (for some reason), this is something that will ALWAYS be harder for me to handle than it is for them so theres no reason for them to be complaining. they arent the ones who miss out on things because theres a spider in the way

ik this all sounds silly probably but its very genuine and controlling fear for me, they think its voluntary. what a fucking joke, you think id voluntarily live like this?

[the-changelings]

Disclaimer: all names (not not ages!!) have been changed for privacy.

This is long af so I'm adding a readmore. it's all background info. I haven't even got into the baffling part yet. lmao

relevant characters:

Anna, 23, store manager

Becky, 37, shift manager

Frank, mid-40s, shift manager

Me, 27, assistant manager

Anna has been our store manager for about 2 months. She was hired directly into the position as she has manager experience from her previous job.

Becky and Frank have been with the company for about 6-8 months? I think? it's a bit fuzzy because I had to do most of the training for them while short staffed and also new to my current position (and to full-time work). both of them were hired as managers directly.

I have been with the company for 4 years and know all the systems, policies, and types of people who choose retail jobs pretty well. I started as an associate, then became a manager, and now am essentially the assistant manager of the store. I ran the store for 2 months when our previous store manager quit unexpectedly without finding a replacement.

Our company treats all managers the same in terms of the power structure, except that store managers can access some things other managers cannot (such as the hiring system). Store managers are also expected to do the schedule, but all managers technically have access.

ok. with that out of the way, let me tell you a little more about my coworkers.

Becky is...having some issues. obviously I don't want to completely blast her on the internet, but that's just the truth. I have never met a person who attracts as much drama as this woman. she needs a therapist like 8 years ago- not least so she can drop her no-good ex who causes injuries every time they interact. A customer has accused her of day drinking (apparently it was on her breath), she takes extended lunches frequently because she falls asleep on her couch in the time it takes to microwave her lunch, she has allegedly verbally cursed Anna out on the phone (obvously this can't be proven). She is so anxious about not inconveniencing customers that she rushes through things and makes mistakes that make everything take like 5x longer.

I trained Becky. I know that she knows how to do all the things she needs to do in her department, because I taught her all of them several times. Important to note that she has some disabilities that mean memory takes longer to solidify, and I've been fine working with that. I'm happy to teach the same things over again as long as she is getting better at them!

The trouble is that Becky isn't getting better at them. I know she can count. I know she can do a return, or a warranty swap, I know she can print daily reports. But she doesn't. She asks me where the same parts are every week, and when I tell her, she says "oh yeah, I was gonna say-" or "oh yeah thats what I thought" every time without fail. We have a labeled map of where all the parts are. These are problems she can solve herself, but she either can't or won't and at this point I'm not sure which it is.

Frank has different issues. He always smells vaguely of weed when he comes in, he also never really remembers how to do anything (despite having been shown repeatedly over 6+ months), and getting a hold of him outside his hours is nearly impossible. That last one is mostly fine, by the way, but it is important. If someone doesn't want to be available outside of work hours, they have that right. Can be a bit inconvenient when we are trying to get a shift covered, though.

Allegedly, Frank is a bit of a hothead, though I haven't personally witnessed this either. He apparently cursed out another coworker when they were closing together, in front of customers. As far as I know, no formal complaints were made, and we don't have cameras so there's no proof of this either (the other coworker tends to exaggerate and play the victim, so another layer of complication).

I have seen Frank lie about what services we do and do not provide, what parts we do and do not sell, etc. He won't even check. It's wild. This has improved somewhat over time. I have also seen him approve tills over or short by ridiculous amounts and not even tell anyone. He knows the policy (email one person up to a certain $ amount, email and additional person for any amount higher), but he's only followed policy like twice. again I cannot tell if he can't figure it out or just won't bother.

Anna is quite young, and very new to her position. She is a quick learner, but much like with the others we haven't had the time to dedicate to teaching her everything due to being understaffed at most locations. Another store manager (34 years and counting!) and our district manager have been helping, but can only do so much since they have a lot to keep track of as it is.

The schedule is the main sticking point for most people when it comes to Anna. Our scheduling system is a pain to use and the requirements for each day vary (and often don't actually reflect when we need to have more people). She's doing her best, but everyone has different requests for their schedule, not everyone has accurate availability listed in the program (and either can't or won't fix it), and some people literally will not work with other people.

Anna is also not a huge people person. She does have the typical young woman level of people-pleasing to overcome, but she is blunt and to the point and a bit sassy as well. She is generally confident in her decisions and her previous manager experience is serving her well (at least in my opinion). The other main issue people have with her is the bluntness- some people describe feeling unheard (and thus undervalued) due to her responses to issues, others feel she is bossy and disrespectful. I have not had these issues, but I can also come across in these ways at times, so I think our brains have some similar inner workings.

I have spent a lot of the last 8 months trying to build bridges between my coworkers, by explaining what I'm seeing and trying to refrain issues they have with each other. I have tried to encourage everyone to talk to each other and make an effort to understand each other well enough to at least be polite. I tell them they don't have to be friends, but we do work together and it would really help everyone if they can get along enough to not actively avoid one another or fight.

I appear to have underestimated how difficult this is for people in their 30s+. At least these specific people.

something unsettling is happening at work.

actually it's more frustrating and also baffling, but those two don't go together great imo?

I'm not even sure how to put it into words but I will try. after I grab some lasagna.

[wornoutmouse]

Baby Daddy Shigaraki fanfic pt2

It was a miracle that no one questioned the name put down when Shigaraki had to sign the birth certificate. You summed it up as fearing for their lives but it could be many things you try to convince yourself as the reality of your new life truly set in.

The after birth pain, though constant, was numbed whenever you looked down on your son's face. He had yet to do anything more than sleep, much to your annoyance. And was aggressive when breastfeeding  much to Shigaraki's enjoyment, "Just like his father." 

Dabi was the second one to hold Daiki after Komugiri but the look of horror on his face when you fully released the baby into his arms was one that deeply concerned you. "It's breathing." He whispered to you eyes wide.

You signal for Komugiri to stand close behind Dabi just in case he really lost it. "Yeah Dabi.....he is breathing...cause that's what living things do." 

Time skip

You sigh as you finally set Daiki down inside his new bed for a nap. His small face looked so delicate surrounded by soft lavender blankets. His whole room theme was a soft purple as preferred by Komugiri. 

You closed the door till there was only a sliver of light coming in just in case he woke up again, then you headed to your living room. 

Shigaraki sat on the couch shirtless and flicking through TV channels. "Why are you still here?" You ask as you walk to the kitchen to find your tea. "What do you mean?" You stir four teaspoons of sugar into your coffee. "I got Daiki under control, you don't have inconvenience yourself."

Tomura flicked through the channels once again. "You and Daiki are not an inconvenience, you're both my responsibility now." You release the spoon causing it to clink loudly against your ceramic cup. "I don't want you to force yourself to be here, you've obviously proved that you don't really want to be apart of this."

"Y/N come on now this again?!" "Yes this again!" Shigaraki groaned scratching idly at his neck. "I've already missed the hidden trailer off Daiki's life I'm not going to miss the prequel sequel." You groan softly, "Stop talking in video game terms you know I don't understand!"

Shigaraki stands up and walks to the kitchen now leaving only the island separating you. "Look you can hate me all you want, I don't care, hell I'm used to it. But you are not keeping me from my son." You shudder at the tone Tomura spoke at.

There were very few times when you've heard this voice and luckily it was never directed to you. This voice meant that what he said was final and he would not go back on it no matter who got in his way. "I would love to have you in his life Tomura, but I don't want what comes with it." You finally say, making Tomura throw his hands up in defeat.

"What do you expect me to do woman?! Make him tag along on "Bring your child to work day?" You turn away trying to contain your annoyance in fear of waking up the baby. "I'm giving you one chance to get your shit together, don't mess it up." Behind you, you could hear the steady steps of Tomura retreating, "And I'm giving you a chance to see how stupid you're being right now."

Before he completely walked away he stopped, "I am going to check on Daiki since it seems like he's the only one that appreciates my efforts."

Once you heard the familiar creak of Daiki's bedroom door you let out a breath you didn't even know you were holding. "How did I get like this?" 

It of course was on a Saturday, as all good stories do. You were working a waitress job at Denny's as a way to earn some pocket money for your first year in Japan. 

"Table 3 we got your Bourbon Chicken skillet, Fish and chips, two waters, and a cherry sprite." Your say setting down all your items before walking to the booth next to them. 

"Hello welcome to Denny's, what can I get for you all tonight?" Dabi at the time, had a nonchalant hand over Twice's mouth most likely to stop his internal bickering. Komugiri was navigating the kids menu with a then 15 year old Toga. Spike ordered some Fish and Chips as per usual and Shigaraki was starting at your tits.....

Shigaraki was staring at your tits.....

He was STARING- I think you get the point

"Hey birthday bitch what are you ordering?" Dabi said snapping Tomura back to the present. "Uh.. get me a steak skewer." Dabi gasped, "I spent all my time and hard work scrounging up money and you get a damn steak skewer for your birthday?!" 

The five stages of grief came over you internally as you had been standing there way past your recommended time. "If you guys aren't ready to order, I'll just come back-" 

"No no no, we are ready. Can we get chicken on a stick with a side of grapes and fries for the young lady. Steak and eggs for me...Dabi? Dabi leaned back simultaneously releasing twice. "We would like a 3-egg omelette-with some cock!" 

You didn't get paid enough for this.

"I'll get you the omelette but I'm afraid I'm out of stock for that last part." You smirk, putting down the orders so far. Dabi snapped the menu shut, "Do y'all have chicken tenders?" Dabi asked, looking at you hopefully. You nod and he fist bumped Twice for some unforeseen reason. 

"Uh get crusty over there a Supreme Sizzling Skillet." "Wait why can all of you get chicken but I can't?!" You wrote down the orders and glanced at Shigaraki who was now looking directly at you as if you held all the answers. "Okay for drinks?"

   As you got off work, you took the back alley entrance to the bus stop. "Hey." Your scream and toss a punch into the darkness effectively making skin to skin contact. "Ow what the fuck?!" "What do you mean what the fuck you're the rapist!"

Shigaraki's signature light blue hair appeared from the shadows almost glowing from the dim alley light. "Rapist? No, I'm more on the lines of stalker." You stand there for a moment rethinking your life choices. "Yeah okay well I'm going to go-" "Wait!" 

You feel half of a hand grip onto your wrist stopping you in your place. "I uh... Think you're cute and, ah crap what did Dabi tell me to say?!" 

As he mulled over his choice of words you hesitantly reach into your purse for pepper spray. "Uh I was wondering if I could get to know you?" He finally ended off staring at you expectantly. You looked back at him expectantly.

"I know this seems creepy but I'm not exactly good at talking to people that are not my friends so you're kinda boss level interaction." For a while your stare at each other as the cold fall wind blew past the two if you. Giving up, you sighed and pulled out a price of paper, "Look, if I wake up tomorrow and none of my underwear is missing and window is not mysteriously open, I'll give you a call, but don't expect it!"

And he didn't expect it. To your surprise, you never found any ominous signs of entry into your substitute home, and he never 'conveniently' showed up at your job. 

Even so, the very fact that you called him was during a moment of weakness. You were extremely home sick and you had just moved into your new home that was only equipped with a fully furnished bedroom and a microwave. 

When you heard the hesitant knock on the door you quickly put your cup of noodles down and opened the door. In your face was a rose...a single rose in a pot. 

Thats different

"It was short notice and it's not like any flower places were open.... So I stole it." You gingerly take the plant into your hands, "It's the thought that counts (?) Come in." You shut the door behind him and set the plant in the kitchen. 

"You must forgive the dryness of my home, I just moved in so there isn't much going on." Tomura hummed as he felt his bones relax as the warmth of the house filled his body. You stared at each other for a while, awkwardly sweating back and forth. Finally, you both opened your mouth to speak up.

"I didn't know I'd get this far so.."

You blink at each other before you double over with laughter. "Uh okay, well how about we watch a movie, get comfortable. The TV is in my room so I hope that doesn't bother you." 

You put on Wall-E for lack of better mood as Tomura hesitantly settled on your plush bed, hands clasped tightly between his thighs.

You two watch these movie in silence and shared popcorn. It wasn't awkward silence though, it was needed. A unspoken message saying that you both acknowledged that this was weird but it was a good weird. Both of you were willing to give it a try.

"Hey pass the popcorn." Tomura said blindly patting the air in front of you. "No you've ate most of it already!" You opted to keeping the bag as far as possible. "It's good popcorn now hand it over." You continue to resist but he was more stubborn.

Unable to think of any other way to save your beloved popcorn you clench your eyes shut and deliver a small peck to the tip of Shigaraki's nose. 

Almost as if shocked, he slides away holding his nose gently. You huff with airy laughter at his flushed face, "Told you, this is my popcorn." 

You smile softly at the memory wiping away a stray tear from your face. "One chance... I'll give him one chance."

You tiptoe to Daiki's new room and peek inside. It was too dark for you to see inside so you opened the door completely. You blankly look into the empty room before falling to your knees. "SHIGARAKI TOMURA I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" You scream into the night air as you glared into the baby less crib.

"Man are you sure you should have him here? He's still a newborn and nothing's baby proof, hell this is a bar so it's far from sanitary!" Dabi said glancing into the baby carriage. Daiki sleepily gazed up at Dabi and babbled. 

"Y/N and I are going through a small set back so I decided to give her some space." Tomura unclipped Daiki from his carseat and picked him up holding his head in a four fingered hold. "We decided to give her some space isn't that right?" He cooed at Daiki who gingerly hit his nose.

"Dude stop, seeing you with a baby is giving me the creeps." Shigaraki glared as Dabi took a shot, "Ignore your uncle Dabi he's just mad he's not as cute as you."

Komugiri was washing dishes until a shiver went down his mystical spine, "I feel a disturbance in the force.

[steponmepinkjun]

oh my sweet jesus

i just found out about your post saying that you get overstim. by super loud noises

AND DAMN-

MY WHOLE LIFE I THOUGHT I WAS JUST A BITCH SVACHABSFAB

because my mom would often talk to me over the vacuum cleaner while i was doing something else, i.e. doing my homework while playing super low classical music AND I WOULD JUST SHUT DOWN COMPLETELY

I FELT LIKE A BOMB READY TO EXPLODE, i would get this almost like rage feeling and i obviously didnt want to make my mom feel bad by asking her not to talk to me at that moment, so i would just bottle it up.

(so thats why i thought i was just a grumpy teen aka a bitch vsjscsbsva)

thanks sara <33

Honestly if I hear too many noises at once I INSTANTLY become a huge bitch lmfao and for like 80% of my life, I thought I was just annoying and dumb. And at first it was really hard to ask people in my life to be considerate to those needs, because it's super inconvenient for them (it's really not, they just think it is, like it's not hard to not scream across the house when I'm trying to do my taxes) , and I know that it seems like it makes no sense. It was hard to describe how there is a Right Time to talk to me or that if I get really overstimulated and don't have the time to go off to someplace quiet and come down slowly from it, if I'm forced to keep being in that environment that's overwhelming me, I will continue to get more and more frustrated and make more and more mistakes with whatever task I'm doing until I reach a breaking point and I either completely freak out or do something stupid. That's how I got that second degree burn over my entire dominant hand, I was trying to prep four different components of one dinner dish while there was music playing and then my roommate kept asking me questions and distracting me and then the smoke detectors were going off for no reason and I couldnt stop everything to calm myself down so I got so flustered that I grabbed the handle of a pan that'd been in the oven for 20 minutes with my bare hand and ended up with a $500 ER bill. I often would have to hide in the fitting rooms at my last job to try to calm down when handling more than one customers incessant neediness would make me feel like my head was going to explode. If I'm trying to do a task and someone derails me, I genuinely get overcome with a psychotic rage that makes me want to rip their eyeballs out lmfao. It's why I hate crowds, and why grocery stores make me so anxious and grumpy, and why I have to pause the movie if you wanna make a comment or observation about what we're watching, even if it only takes ten seconds. And also why if I'm in a bad mood already, ANY noise that I cannot control, like someone's chewing or breathing, will make me RAAAAAGE, like one time at work I was having a horrible, horrible fuckin day and a customer 50ft away sneezed in the otherwise empty store and my first thought was, "DO YOU FUCKING MIND?!?!" like cracked out of my mind angry that this man sneezed audibly in my presence lmfao. Coming to understand that anger is the easiest reaction my brain can muster that will likely force me out of an environment that's overwhelming me, and that I don't actually want to be mean or yell at the people I love when I enter overstim, helped me deal with it a lot better. But it's a challenge, for sure, cause most people really don't get it and aren't motivated to try.

[cedjizy]

ONLINE ESSENTIALS FOR ONLINE CLASSES

My reflection or what i have learned by this infograph that i made is that education is very important for us people because it is the time that we learn new things or discovery new lessons and so that we could be able to do it when we will be applying for a job when we will grow old and my content is about the needs and requirements of the students for online classes and i learn here that we will need gadgets a cellphone will do or a laptop or a PC and it would be nice and so easy if yiu have strong conmection and an updated browser for your browsing idea and you’re software must be reliable because in online class there is a lot of assignments to do and it has many files that you will take and pass so a good software will save the day for you and thats what i have learned or my reflection from my infograph. The content of this inforgaph is about the online essentials specifically the needs and requirements of the students in the new normal. On the upper left corner it clearly shows the first requirements of the online class essentials wich is the updated web browser this requirement lets the students understand the importance having their browsers updated. This in fact prevent inconvenience. In the upper right corner you can see the second requirement wich is called preferably a laptop it doesnt mean that the student should get or shoudl buy a PC or a laptop for their online classes this requirement is just a suggestion or a recommendation that one should buy a laptop or get a laptop if they have enough money to spent but any gadget will do. The following requirement is called the computer peripherals i believe the name or the title of this requirement that this is already understandable then for the next requirement which is a good, reliable computer obviously you wound mean a good and reliable computer to avoid inconvenience for the online class. For the last requirement it just as the other requirements that one should have a necessary software for them to be prepared for the online class there are many more essentials for the online class but these is just but five important requirements for the students in this new normal.

[bringing-myself-joy]

Content warning ⚠️ Child Abuse, PTSD, Self Harm Mention

I’ve been having a lot of ptsd related issues recently (specifically revolving around my family which hasn't happened in a while)  and I’m not really sure what's triggering it for me.  But now episodes/dissociating/panic attacks are happening frequently enough that it’s been affecting my general mood which is inconvenient in so many ways. And I’m having trouble not snapping at my parter over silly things.  He’s very understanding thankfully, and I’ve spent many years trying to work through my anger and other emotional issues so more often than not I catch myself, but because so many of those issues are caused by this trauma specifically its harder to keep my head straight right now.  Especially since my family is still very much a part of my life and will be for the foreseeable future, whereas other issues I’ve had with abusers I was able to eventually remove them entirely from my life. I’ve been stupid anxious and it makes it hard to make art or eat or sleep or have a conversation without crying or yelling. Idk what I’m gonna do.  This past month I have been trying out a CBD tincture I found and it has been helpful, but its just not enough. For it to really do the job I’d have to dope myself up to the point of sedation, which I’ve done in emergencies but I can't just live like that obviously. Thats one of the reasons I stopped taking Xanax, I don’t really like feeling that way. I’ve also ended up burning myself a lot over the past week or so which is really not great.  I haven't cut, but its not like this is really any better.  And it’s weird because I haven't burned myself in almost a decade.  Wow as I was typing this post I’ve just realized the burning is probably because that was one of my main forms of ‘sneaky’ self harm when I was a kid during the time frame that I’m having flashback issues with now. Thats one of the main reasons I still post personal things on here, it lets me think about it and make enough sense of it to tell my therapist about it.  I dunno its just so exhausting. I really hope I snap out of this soon. I don’t have time for this.

[sup4l3e]

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

[fuck-customers]

My store is a dumpster fire waiting to explode

So this story has been one that has been slowly building over the sevenish months that I have been there, so this is going to be a very very long one, I apologize in advance. TLDR at the bottom.

I'm writing this cause I saw a recent submission about a p**s****, and just... need to get this off my chest. 

So we opened this store late last year, and I was absolutely ecstatic at the time. The job had gotten me out of 45+ hours food service job which had left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted, and it was working with pets, so obviously it has to be great right? Well not so much.

It started out okay, I liked the people I worked with, but from the start we had issues. It was clear that there was (and is to this day) a breakdown in communication between managers and the different shifts. The people who trained me (as a shift leader who has the authority to open or close the store) were from outside, and apparently didnt do a very good or thorough job. For months after that the manager or assistant manager would say that I was doing something wrong, or forgetting to do something which I had never been shown or even told to do at all. Has this gotten better in the last seven months? No, it has not. In fact I am still not fully trained for the position I am supposed to be in, and was barely half trained for most of it. But I wasnt even the worst off, because the assistant manager at the time, N, wasnt fully trained either. 

Now that might not be a big problem during the first few months, everything is still shaking down and people are getting settled, right? Well turns, out corporate needs our store manager, Ill call her R, to manage TWO STORES, at the same time. 2 hours apart from each other. So store manager splits her time between my store, and the store two hours away which ends up in a four hour commute for her because --  guess what-- they dont even pay her for a hotel. So now the store is managed by the not fully trained assistant manager.

During those few months where R was gone, I had a rough time. Money was missing several times from drawers or safe, things weren't getting done the way they were supposed to, daily paperwork wasnt signed, and R blamed me and the other shift leader,  A, for not doing things the way they were supposed to be done. Except we were never originally told how things were supposed to be done.

Well R finally hires a manager for the other store she was helping to manage and comes back to discover that the store is in chaos. On the outside everything looked fine, but all that paperwork that hadnt been done correctly? It had built up to months worth of issues that needed to be corrected, and she was behind on everything. 

Around that time she finally realizes that the problems we were having werent my or A's fault. It was the assistant manager N. Turns out, she would show up for work and just sit and do NOTHING. Basically expecting the closing people, aka me and A, to do everything that needed to be done. And the stuff that apparently only she knew how to do (because she hadnt trained me or A even though it was also something we were supposed to be doing), was getting delayed by several days. All while she left exactly when her shift was up, got there late in the mornings, and generally was just sketchy about work over all. A and I believe that that money that went missing several times was her doing as well, because after she left, it magically stopped happening.

But since R and N were friends, there was no consequence. In the end, me and A basically had to make up for all the missed work on N's side, because R refused to fire her. She wrote her up a few times, had some "discussions," but eventually N left on her own. It came out after she left that N was a compulsive liar, who had told lies to just about everyone at the store, from tiny ones to massive ones. 

So now the store had lost the (half-trained) assistant manager, and we still had to fix all of her messes. So R decides to promote A (which is good, A is a great worker and more experienced than I am) to assistant manager. At this point I was hopeful that everything would calm down and start to settle.

Surprise. That didnt happen.

Instead our store manager got PROMOTED, to a sort of district manager. So then she was only going to be at our store for TWO DAYS of the entire week. She had just made A assistant manager, so she had barely any training, even though they did some speed training for a week or two.

At this point I still wasnt even trained to take in shipments, meaning the only two people in the entire store who could process incoming freight were R and A, even though we get daily shipments. We were still trying to fix the issues and things left behind by N. It was an absolute nightmare. 

But it still gets worse. Because thats when we learned that one of our associates was leaving at the end of the month. I dont begrudge her for it, but it put a squeeze on everyone. Because despite common sense where if you lose someone you hire someone new to replace them, that didnt happen. We started with about 7 total workers, four of which were management, three of which were cashiers. We had lost one of the cashiers early on, N was gone, and R was there two days a week (most of which was her panicking about paperwork and store stuff), and we were about to lose another cashier. But still R hadnt hired anyone new. And after the one cashier left, our last remaining cashier let us know she would be leaving as well.

Of course, R panics. At that point she was down to four workers, including herself, and one of them about to leave. She finally starts the hiring procedures, but because she is so busy, it takes her WEEKS to hire anyone.

For about a month, it was basically me and A running the store. they scheduled me at 39 hours (so they wouldnt have to pay me for full time), and expected me to cover any shifts people called out, or come in early, or stay late. I was (and currently still am) the only shift leader for the store. And I am STILL not fully trained. 

About two weeks ago, R finally hires some people. One of them literally quits after two days, and then she suddenly starts hiring a bunch of people. So now we have four new people we have to train, one of which they decided after a week would be a shift leader. But because she hired all of these new people at once, she's cutting my hours to 20 hours or less. So after all my hard work, after all my sticking through, I havent gotten a raise, and instead my hours have been drastically cut, and it doesnt look like R has learned anything at all. 

I dont even think I would realize how bad it is, if it werent for the fact that R has had to beg help from other stores. And those from the other stores, would ask me questions about the store, about things that needed to be done which I couldnt answer. They looked at me in complete surprise and befuddlement, because it was simple things, basic things which I should know. But dont. 

There is honestly, so much more that I cant even begin to start going through because its such a f***** mess. I was trained how to open the store over the phone, and trained on things at most once or twice with supervision before sent off to figure it out alone.  I still have questions because I havent been fully trained after SEVEN MONTHS. I've been scheduled outside of my availability multiple times, and have covered all but two shifts I have been asked to cover, even though the ONE day I asked if someone could cover me cause I was so sick I could barely talk no one took my shift. There is so much confusion because there is no communication between shifts, I walk in after a few days completely unaware of whats happening or needs to be done. I dislike calling R whenever there are issues because she always snaps when she answers the phone and tries to get off as soon as possible and I feel like Im an inconvenience. 

So yeah, Im done. I have been for months but Ive been trying to stick it out as long as I could. But Ive put in my notice, and Im hoping to find something better. At least now I know what red flags to look for.

TLDR: Corporate keeps putting way too much on store manager, it trickles down to literally everyone and everything in the store, no one can fix it and now all but one person who opened the store are leaving.

[pedestrianversee]

lmao lmao lmao literally every time i went to my therapists i was always complaining about how i just wanted to fucking die and none of them took me seriously. i had one psychiatrist tell me i wasnt depressed because i dressed nice, then ordered blood tests and told me i had low vitamin d and thats why i was sad and told me basically i was faking and to get over myself. i get that low vitamin d can make you emotional/feel depressed but it wasnt even that low and even now when its a normal range i STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT so honestly fuck that doctor and i hope her practice goes under and she loses her fucking license for being a quack. oh yeah she also gave me a shit ton of adderall which is already a triggering drug for me bc my abuser abused it bc she was convinced i had add bc i said once that i SOMETIMES have trouble concentrating in class. i told her i was having panic attacks on it (i took one pill and i thought i was dying it made me feel awful) and she fucking UPPED THE DOSE. ugh fuck her she had the personality of a dead fish and looked like one. idk what i shoild have expected from someone with a freud bobblehead but yknow.

literally because of this asshole i dont shower/brush my teeth before i go to the therapist. and even still the past two i had kept telling me i wasnt that depressed i was just stressed out over moving to a new place and adjusting to adulthood or whatever even though i was fucking telling them i was suicidal every day and was struggling with staying sober from alcohol, starving myself and sh. every issue i had they would dismiss it. i am struggling so bad with flashbacks, nightmares and trauma. i am not coping well. all the emotional responses i've learned as a result of trauma are pushing everyone in my life away from me. i am risking losing all the relationships i have because of this shitty disorder and NO ONE WANTS TO HELP ME. no one fucking cares. i am screaming and begging and explaining things right in front of these so called professionals and they all fucking ignore me!!! they change the subject, try to get me to focus on something else, or shrug it off and tell me i'm overreacting and just stressed out and need to practice mindfulness. my diagnoses have changed so many fucking times im not even sure if im mentally ill or just a hypochondriac and maybe i just dont deserve to have relationships with anyone and am,destined to live in some assisted living facility for the rest of my life because i clearly cannot handle being an adult. i am suspicious its because im afab that they're not taking me seriously but all the therapists ive seen have been cis women and im still fucking treated like this. why me. what am i doing wrong. am i really such a fucking inconvenience that even for people whos literal job is to help others im just Too Much so they wanna feed me bullshit and send me on my way. im seeing another therapist and im fucking terrified the same thing is going to happen again. if it does im just gonna fucking kill myself. i cant do this anymore. no one cares. no one wants to help me. i obviously am not worth the time.

[carnivalsoration]

Cronus Gets Tortured, and then Learns Some Stuff about Boundaries and Identity

I’m going to start all this off with an ooc description of things, because this gets pretty intense in bits. A tldr with added trigger warning, if you will. 

Ringleader messages Cronus about being an insensitive prick regarding the ‘gutterblood rights’ post, then the conversation moves on to lusus death (a la, what was going on with Meulin at the time, though she’s not mentioned directly at all), how wasteful Alternia is, and then on to torture. During that talk, there’s a lot of mentions of parent/animal death, then referring to people as objects that can be disposed of, in an abstract sense, and then obviously, Harming and Killing people, for Fun and Dubious Amounts of Profit. 

Ringleader convinces Cronus it would be no big deal to torture him for a bit, and doesn’t take no for an answer. (Manipulation, coercing, lack of respect for boundaries.) And then they meet up! Cronus is waterboarded, Ringleader is way lighter about it than he really should be, primarily in the confession he forces Cronus to make, and then they make out! Weird, but these two are who they are.

Cronus presses more, hoping for sex to happen. Ringleader says no. Cronus says ‘but whyyyy’ and Ringleader gets pissed about it. A conversation about consent and rape occurs, that leads into highblood standards, respect, and who Cronus wants to be and what he values. 

This is a Very dense log, y'all, with a lotta intense stuff. Two kinda shitty people meeting, and one of them trying to make the other Less shitty, with some admittedly poor judgement. Overall, a Dubiously happy, or at least thought provoking, ending.

Anyway! If that sounds like you would enjoy reading it, read on! If not, you now know a general plot synopsis and can avoid reading it while still knowing all relevant details! If the chat log appeals to you but the roleplay itself doesn’t, you can read that too! 

carnivalsoration honk

vwarlordvwanderlust hey there, babe!

carnivalsoration :o)

vwarlordvwanderlust vwhat's up?

carnivalsoration i will make out with you if you promise not to reblog that gutterblood pride post again.

vwarlordvwanderlust see, THIS is a bold and innovwativwe method more people should try.

carnivalsoration hahahahaha is that a yes

vwarlordvwanderlust you also could'vwe just asked. but too late, no take backs. hell yeah.

carnivalsoration hahahahahahahaha

vwarlordvwanderlust (also that's a joke. there are take backs. it's all just jokes. )

carnivalsoration good boy, thats a good ad on

vwarlordvwanderlust haha. i do my best.

carnivalsoration :o) i could explain why i don't want you to say it, if ya wanna hear it or you could guess, since i'm kinda curious

vwarlordvwanderlust i just figured it vwas annoying. you specified that particular post, and not the vword, is it the vword.

carnivalsoration it's the word and the implication it's. it's just the whole thing, brother the whole damn thing

vwarlordvwanderlust yeah? vwhat implication?

carnivalsoration for you this is an inconvenience for a bit. for other people, this is their life. you don't earn the right ta use that word by your glorified lowblood tourism

vwarlordvwanderlust huh.

> So he's not *that* Alternian. 🤔

carnivalsoration > Ooo motherfucker.

do ya get what i mean? you can't have pride about somethin that you're not even really a part of.

vwarlordvwanderlust it vwas a joke. but yeah for sure, OBVWIOUSLY.

carnivalsoration and what about it is funny? like, can you just explain it to me?

vwarlordvwanderlust it's okay to not get jokes.

carnivalsoration no, i wanna get it.

vwarlordvwanderlust it's just a dumb lowvblood thing people say, you knowv, that i'm saying, because i'm kinda a lowvblood, for nowv.

carnivalsoration huh. and that's... funny?

vwarlordvwanderlust > This is the worst thing that's ever happened.

i mean. it's just one of those things.

carnivalsoration aight.

vwarlordvwanderlust look they can't all be vwinners!!!!!!!!

carnivalsoration you reblogged it though, you thought it was pretty good

vwarlordvwanderlust vwe all havwe different tastes. anyvways.

carnivalsoration yeah. what would you do if ya lusus died?

vwarlordvwanderlust > Weird foreplay but okay. > Clowns.

be sad.

did you vwant a longer ansvwer, or did you just leavwe.

carnivalsoration oh, oops. i got distracted. but like. how much would it change your life

vwarlordvwanderlust a lot. but i mean. i'll need to leavwe him anyvways.

carnivalsoration fun fact. i killed my lusus

vwarlordvwanderlust oh. vwhy?

carnivalsoration cuz that was the tradition at the time. indigos wouldn't get orphaned before adulthood on the condition that when they became a subjug, they'd kill their lusus themselves. and so that's what happened. i hella slaughtered him. it was a mess hahaha

vwarlordvwanderlust haha. yeah.

carnivalsoration i'm just talkin at this point

vwarlordvwanderlust vwhy? i mean don't get me vwrong. i lovwe our talks.

carnivalsoration i just ponder things sometimes. i'm old, i got a lotta memories to peruse what's your alternia like?

vwarlordvwanderlust big question, chief. dunno howv to ansvwer that.

carnivalsoration how often do people murder their lusus

vwarlordvwanderlust i don't knowv. probably not a ton. seems like a vwaste.

carnivalsoration hahaha remember what i said the other night? alternia likes nothin quite so much as waste

vwarlordvwanderlust alternia is cutthroat and efficient. may not alvways be pretty, but hey. it gets the job done.

carnivalsoration hahahaha. wrong. healthcare that involves replacing limbs instead of mending. killin people for any old thing and raisin all new people, like i said. you coulda imprisoned them and got free labor. killin reproductive failures. because you can still make THEM work. that ain't efficiency.

vwarlordvwanderlust that's efficient! you don't need to deal vwith upkeep if you toss a thing in the garbage vwhen it breaks, same vwith people. mm.

carnivalsoration efficiency is using a tool as long as it's useful. killin other planets rather than enslaving them. using lowbloods as fodder in just the stupidest ways. you could have them maneuver big heavy things or control animals at the front line or whatever. also. mechanical limbs cost a lot in upkeep too, just as a bonus destroying rather than fixing is just a thing. it's all brute force casual sadism, gloating over enemies rather than just offin em. imagine all the hot babes that were offed cuz they broke an ankle. or cuz they were kinda stupid once or they puked killin somethin the first time, which is another way alternia wastes life. beaurocracy is a HUGE waste of time plus it makes ya wanna beat your brains out with the stack of paperwork ya have to do land and sea trolls in competition, which wastes highblood life on dumbass feuds underfeedin slaves and workin them to death way before their natural lifespan. food ain't that expensive

vwarlordvwanderlust evwery system has SOME flawvs.

carnivalsoration yeah, but alternia's is that it just loves waste it fuckin can't get enough of it fuck, i tortured and killed thousands of people when i coulda tortured them and then put them to work .... probably hundreds of thousands.... i wonder if i broke a million

vwarlordvwanderlust vwell. i assumed that vwas, you knowv. pleasure, not business. but vwe all havwe flavws.

carnivalsoration oh, it's both. the fact i did it for fun doesn't change the fact i was definitely expected to do it

vwarlordvwanderlust vwell the system gets stuff done.

carnivalsoration oh, the number of troll screams i heard... the number of crimes confessed.... so many confessed to crimes that we found out they didn't even commit! just to make the agony stop

vwarlordvwanderlust the probability of false confessions is actually ovwerplayed by certain rebellious type groups, it's still mostly good intel.

> You should know, you consume imperial propaganda religiously!

carnivalsoration .... i .......... i tortured them myself all the time three a night, at least for centuries there is a LOT of false confessions a LOT of time wasted researching the falsities

vwarlordvwanderlust is it most of them?

carnivalsoration oh yeah. like 70% of the info you get from any one person is likely to be false. sometimes more, sometimes less, and about 90% of the time, the truths they do tell aren't worth your time to even pursue

vwarlordvwanderlust so vwe need to be more selectivwe in vwho vwe torture and vwhat vwe ask.

> Bold of you to say we, there.

carnivalsoration i'm kinda curious where you got the info about how false confessions are overplayed OH SHIT. I SHOULD HELP YOU GET USED TO TORTURE SOUNDS

vwarlordvwanderlust okay the tone of those tvwo messages is vwildly different.

carnivalsoration i just get excited sometimes

vwarlordvwanderlust it's pretty common knowvledge used to counter rebel propaganda. the real number is like 1%. ...here, i mean. i'm not accusing you of lying. hey, maybe our timelines are different.

carnivalsoration hey, if you're so sure, i bet i could do non-destructive torture on you and get you to confess to something that isn't true.

vwarlordvwanderlust that sounds bad and not fun!

carnivalsoration one hour. it isn't even that long. plus imagine how impressed people would be to know you can withstand torture

vwarlordvwanderlust > You start typing: "okay this is vwhy evweryone assumed you're a serial k" > Hm. That last one is a good message, though.

you don't think i can.

carnivalsoration i don't think you can

vwarlordvwanderlust you're the expert, i guess.

> God it would be so fucking impressive though.

carnivalsoration but i don't know for sure, since timeline differences. i don't wanna spread false information, specially if it helps rebels

vwarlordvwanderlust > GOD THAT'S SUCH A GOOD POINT.

okay but it's gotta vwait six nights.

carnivalsoration how come?

vwarlordvwanderlust not because i'm putting it off or anything, because i'm in a rustie body.

carnivalsoration why does that matter? the people most frequently tortured are lowbloods and i did say i wouldn't damage you. no knives, no electricity, nothin

vwarlordvwanderlust huh. yeah, i guess so. vwhat'll you do?

carnivalsoration waterboard

vwarlordvwanderlust so not to be ovwerly critical but like.

are you going to cause BRAIN DAMAGE. this seems vwild.

carnivalsoration i'm an expert, would i cause brain damage in one of my friends just for kicks? look up how long the average rustblood can hold their breath. gimme that long. not even an hour, just a little bit

vwarlordvwanderlust one to tvwo minutes... vwe'll say tvwo. or three or vwhatevwer idc. you think this is THAT bad???

carnivalsoration yeah

vwarlordvwanderlust > If this guy ends up torturing you to death, even the like one person who'd care, wouldn't care after reading this conversation. This would be a dumb fucking decision. This is so stupid, you'd absolutely regret this, there's only one answer you could plausibly give.

yeah, okay.

carnivalsoration aight. i'll give ya new coordinates

vwarlordvwanderlust not gonna be a cool outdoorsy forest vwibe for this torture sesh? hahaha

carnivalsoration we could move it to inside in my block and then make out

vwarlordvwanderlust nice!

carnivalsoration right?? you get tortured, come out fine, and then get to make out. what a fuckin nice night, right?

vwarlordvwanderlust okay it's not the night you think vwill happen though. you're just humoring me. but you're vwrong, so

carnivalsoration i'll make out with you either way

vwarlordvwanderlust it vwon't come up, haha.

carnivalsoration :o* [coords.txt]

vwarlordvwanderlust > Swoon.

😘❗

vwait.

carnivalsoration :o?

vwarlordvwanderlust okay no this isn't me pussying out i promise it's just. my transportalizer pass is for like. me. so is my id. saness and mituna and people just like. got here, though.

carnivalsoration mmmm. aight, what's ya coords? also tell me where a big bathtub is

vwarlordvwanderlust okay, sorry to be all annoying. oh uh. okay yeah.

carnivalsoration chill out, i ain't fussed

vwarlordvwanderlust > This is rough, on account of, you know. Being kicked out of your hive. But it's probably best not to do it there anyways, so off you go, trespassing on abandoned properties to scope out the bathrooms. Eventually you find something good enough, fairly recently vacated, and send coordinates.

> This is going to be cool.

carnivalsoration > Fucking Arrive! You are trying not to be too excited about being able to torture someone, but you're still pretty hype. You have all the things you'll need. Plenty of water to waste, a cloth to wrap around his face, your recording app open on your phone to record when he isn't looking.

vwarlordvwanderlust > You're only about as nervous as you were before you went hunting (and that turned out so great).

> You grin and wave. This time, you lack any purple in your outfit, and your eyes are red, and you don't have fins, but you look basically the same.

"Hey there, doll. Howv's it going?"

> It's not stalling if it's just a little bit.

carnivalsoration "Pretty damn good so far. You aight gettin your clothes wet, or should we take em off?" You raise eyebrows at him a few times. Waggle.

> Don't be too eager, Makara.

vwarlordvwanderlust > You pull on your shirt, thinking about no just kidding it's always good to take off your shirt. You're vulnerable enough without taking off your pants, though.

"This alright vwith you, doll?"

> You can eyebrow waggle with the best of them. Hitting on people is good.

carnivalsoration > Touch a tit. "Nice." Hitting on people Is good.

> You pull out a scrap of fabric and smile. "Lemme blindfold ya, brother." You're thinking about things that are ridiculous enough that it'll make it funny to confess to but that he won't be offended about later.

vwarlordvwanderlust > Nice.

> See, the thing is that this is such a good and valid sexy scenario if you forget about the torture that's definitely going to happen.

"Sure, yeah."

> You cooperate with a nervous laugh.

carnivalsoration > Blindfold: On. You make sure to adjust it just right, so he can't see you. "I'm going to lead you to the tub now," you say, softly.

> And you do, gently, and telling him to mind the ledge. All you really need is a drain. And water, of course. But you've got that.

vwarlordvwanderlust "Gotcha."

> It's surprisingly disorienting, being led around a fairly unfamiliar environment blindfolded, even for such a short distance. You're already feeling a little nervous about this.

> Maybe the professional torture guy who got people to say stuff that went against their own interests knows what he's talking about with regards to torture?

> But maybe you're just an unstoppable badass. Probably that second one.

carnivalsoration > You lead him in and direct him to lay down. You're very calm and reassuring.

> And then you try to place your camera on a ledge so it peers down at Cronus, get in the tub on top of him to pin him down. You'll try to grab his wrists, place them above his head, grab them with one hand. And one of his horns too. You'll narrate your actions the whole time.

> Damn, indigos are strong when you're a rustblood, him actually resisting you is a bit like him resisting really fleshy iron.

vwarlordvwanderlust > You cooperate, maybe metaphorically dragging your heels a bit, but, oh, no you aren't, fuck this dude is strong.

> FUCK this would be hot if it wasn't for this.

> You're a little wiggly, but not like you're necessarily trying to get away (not that you could), more like you keep wanting to look around.

> It's a lot harder to keep your face casual without the reminder of eye contact, for some reason.

> It's just a couple of minutes, though! It's fine! You Have Never Been Calmer.

> (It'd be really funny if your light hyperventilating made you pass out before he did anything. Funny for some people, at least.)

carnivalsoration > Oh how fucking precious that is. He's so cute, and he doesn't even verbally object. Plausible deniability!

> You grin a little bit where he can't see. "Your three minutes starts now."

> You pull out a gallon jug of water from your dex and start pouring it over his nose and mouth. It looks so ridiculous for being as effective as it is, considering it quickly starts to feel like he's barely keeping his head above water.

"Cronus, did you make me a cookie?" You ask down sternly at him. Not loud, not aggressive per se, but definitely authoritarian.

vwarlordvwanderlust > Blblbr?!?

> Okay this is bad actually.

> You thrash a little, reflexively, but don't get far. You try to shake your head but, uh, can't.

"No--?"

> Boy the water sure just keeps happening. It's a good thing your body inherited reflexes to not breathe water, or this would have been over very fast, since you'd already be coughing it up onto the floor.

> This is a really bad thing but it's not for very long. It's fine!

> The nice thing about being tortured is you're too distracted to worry about keeping a straight face.

> The bad thing about being tortured is all the other stuff. :(

carnivalsoration > Oh, hey, he didn't immediately submit. That's fine. Patience is all you need. The water keeps up in a steady stream. "You did, didn't you. Don't lie to me, you did make me a cookie. Didn't you?!"

> A forceful tone of voice and persistence is all you need. Soon he'll be too disoriented to do much more than choke and agree with you.

vwarlordvwanderlust ==> Cronus: choke and agree with him.

> This was a terrible idea!

> (Wow, Cronus, if only there was any way of knowing that.)

> Your panicked failing gets a little more forceful, but not any more effective.

"Stop, yes--"

> You're dying, he's killing you, you're going to drown here and nobody will ever know what happened.

carnivalsoration "And just what happened to that cookie, Cronus?" You accuse. "Did you fucking eated it??" Oh messiahs bless, saying that with a straight face is so funny. So hard.

"Don't you dare fucking lie, did you Eated my Cookie?"

vwarlordvwanderlust > You already said yes! You really will definitely die at his hands. AaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA

"Yes, I did, stop,"

> Your lungs don't feel right, but you don't know if there's actually water in there or if you're just freaking the fuck out without haviing gills, so it feels different.

> Glub glub,

> When you get back in your right mind, you'll be mad. This is the dumbest thing imaginable

carnivalsoration > Okay, now to get to the aftercare portion so no one thinks you're evil or whatever.

> You stop pouring water, captchalogue the jug, and get out of the tub. Then you help him sit up, lean forward. "Alright, now. Cough. Get it all outta ya."

> ..... Grab your phone. Fuck you hope that recorded the right angle.

vwarlordvwanderlust > Water, water everywhere, the last thing you're ever going to feel is water-- no water.

> You're shivering, and coughing weird-- you don't know enough about this to know if it's normal for torture weird, though.

> When he gets you into a better position, you cough up a little more water than might be expected for someone else who this happened to. Probably you just tried to breathe a little more than most people.

> When you're a little less full of water, you   go for the blindfold, if he hasn't taken care of it already. Seeing is good.

carnivalsoration > Oh shit blindfold, better hide the phone! Captchaloguing is so convenient for slight of hand stuff.

> you help him with the blindfold, very helpfully, with no ulterior motives whatsoever, and then give him a little pat on the back.

"You did pretty well! Didn't beg, don't think you cried. Still definitely confessed though."

vwarlordvwanderlust > You're tearing up a little bit now, but it's probably just the coughing, because you don't feel anything about this. It's basically no big deal.

> You glare at him, looking about as threatening as a half drowned kitten.

"You tried to kill me!"

> You sound vaguely hysterical.

carnivalsoration "Nope, you weren't even close to death. If i had tried to kill you, i got a billion other different ways to do it and there'd be no try about it."

> Pat him a little more. Its okay dear Cronus, it's all okay.

vwarlordvwanderlust > Rub at your eyes with one hand and try to take deep breaths, the way you were taught to instruct a charge to do if they flipped out.

> If you actually thought it was an attempt on your life, you'd be running, for all the good it'd do you. You still think it got closer than he's saying, but.

"I'vwe gotta stop givwing myself chances to look like an idiot in front of you."

> You sound calmer, but not, you know. Calm.

carnivalsoration > You laugh a bit, waggle your brows. "I like idiots, if that helps." It probably won't. "Anyway, my respect for people ain't based on the sorta thing that you seem so down on yourself about, so you're basically in the clear on that front."

> Not on several other things, but what can ya do. If you're ringleader, try to be nice anyway.

vwarlordvwanderlust > 'You didn't look like an idiot, Cronus', would have been the correct response, but he tried.

> Hhhhhhh.

> You haul yourself shakily out of the tub.

"Thanks, babe. Good looking out. Excellent. Appreciate it."

> You look at your hands, remembering the ineffectual struggling, and shiver. But in like, a cool and nonchalant way, totally.

"Man. Rusties are, uh. Vweak, huh?"

> Not that you could necessarily beat twelve feet of clown in an arm wrestling match normally, but still.

carnivalsoration > Oh good, he actually got that little bit of empathy you tried to make happen. Yes, he is weak as a rusty, and that's how they feel all the time!

"Yeah. Bones are more fragile too. Pretty nuts, ain't it? I barely even felt you struggling."

> How much can you hammer things home before you make it obvious? .... Let's give it a try.

"Browns and yellows ain't much better, ya know. They kinda have to do whatever we want em to, one on one, unless they got real good psionic control." Which means Mituna can't easily say no to what you do, Fuckwit. .... If only you could say those words out loud. Can't seem too sympathetic, though, you're supposed to be a mean Alternian who is being nice to him for some reason.

> Plus or minus some waterboarding.

vwarlordvwanderlust "Haha, better to be on the other side of that one, I'vwe gotta say."

> Lowbloods are weak and it's funny. Not that you sound all that amused right this particular instant, but you'll be back to normal soon enough.

"Not an especially controvwersial opinion,  I knowv. Anyvways! That's good, I guess. Makes things easier to handle."

> Now you're into the fucking with your hair stage of emotional recovery, because it definitely got all messed up.

carnivalsoration > Hahaha yeah, better to be a coolblood, outnumbered a hundred to one. That's a good side to be on. Ha. Ha. Ha.

> You watch him fix his hair for several moments before you proceed to just. Fuck it up again. Ruffle ruffle ruffle.

"I won the bet. What do i get as a prize?"

vwarlordvwanderlust > Pout at him.

"C'mon, boss, vwhy you gotta be like that?"

> It's pretty fucking wild how this guy actually literally tortured you, admittedly at your request, but you're so willing to be his friend.

> You smile tentatively at the question, a far cry from your typical cocky smirk.

"I dunno, big guy. Vwhat do you vwant?"

> It COULD not be a come on, except that you kinda. Lick your lips and waggle your eyebrows. Just a little. A smidge. It's probably really casual.

carnivalsoration > You like teasing him, and you laugh when he pouts. "Ain't my fault you look cute with mussed hair."

> And then he licks his lips and waggles his brows in a way that reminds you of yourself, except that you like to go overboard with it like it's a joke so that people can brush it off without the whole thing being hella awkward.

> You chuckle a little more, tap his nose. "I'll save my spoils for another time, hmm? In the meantime, though."

> Bend over, pick him up by the ass, and just give him a big ol kiss on his lips.

vwarlordvwanderlust "Yeah, you really think it looks alright?"

> Preen. You're incredibly fucking vain, which is pretty obvious considering your everything about you, and you appreciate being called cute. Even if tough would be preferable.

> OH THIS IS A VERY GOOD THING!

> Kiss back with just a little more enthusiasm than technique, though it isn't like you're terrible. This is a good night. You should probably put your shirt back on eventually, but it's not a particularly high priority at the moment.

carnivalsoration > Oh, boi, you're always the teacher and the experienced one. Otherwise you might be annoyed to be in such a position yet again.

> .... Grope his ass, tho, check if its doin alright, and see how quick he is to learn how to make out good.

vwarlordvwanderlust > You relax into it before too long, less tongue aggression can only improve things.

> You're basically only alright.

> You nip at his lips with lowblood-dull teeth, and grin when he gropes you. You don't want to take your arms away from their position over his shoulders, or you'd return the favor.

> Nothing bad has ever happened to you and everything is great.

carnivalsoration > Oh, teeth always get a good reaction out of you, inexperienced or no. Son of a bitch, you didn't want him to actually have Power over you.

> .... Whatever.

> How long can you keep him entertained with just. A lot of making out.

vwarlordvwanderlust > :D

> Cronus Will Remember That.

> Who doesn't like teeth, though, really.

> Oh, so fucking long. For all that you claimed to be all about the orgasms earlier, you sure are happy to keep doing this!

carnivalsoration > You'll keep going for at least like five minutes. He's getting so into it, you half expect to feel something wiggling against your chest.

vwarlordvwanderlust > YOU'RE getting a little squirmy, but at least you're not an adolescent anymore, so nothing's happening downstairs. That he can feel, at least.

> ... This is really good but like. Maybe. You don't need both hands to hold yourself up.

> You try and reach for his crotch, but don't stop making out.

carnivalsoration > Your eyebrows actually raise at his bold move, and you pull away a couple so you can look at him. And look down at the reaching hand.

> Your bulge is Definitely not out.

"Lookin ta escalate, brother?"

vwarlordvwanderlust > You didn't think it would be, neither is yours, but this is how you get stuff to happen! You do it!

> You stare blankly at him.

"No, vwhy do you ask?"

> You may make some questionable "jokes" about lowbloods, but your deadpan delivery is pretty good.

carnivalsoration "Cuz I'm not!" You say, with a smile and a single fingergun.

> For quite a few reasons. One of which is that you're not really In The Mood. Another, you have to ask Saness for permission.

> But, most importantly, you want to hold that particular bit of encouragement for later.

vwarlordvwanderlust > ?????????????????????????

> You look a little crestfallen, but mostly baffled.

> Maybe being tortured and then crying about it and coughing up water at someone isn't overwhelmingly sexy.

> No, that's probably not it.

> You roll your eyes, but withdraw your hand, and prepare to go back to making out.

carnivalsoration > That's fine. You are gonna just make out a while and think ya thoughts.

> How long can he even go at this before he gets bored...

vwarlordvwanderlust > Not THAT long, as it turns out. A couple minutes later, you pull back.

"Okay but are you sure?"

carnivalsoration > Bitch.

"Would I say it if I wasn't sure?"

vwarlordvwanderlust "Maybe?"

> Your wide eyed innocent look isn't nearly as cute as you'd like to think, especially when it's about wanting to get in someone's pants.

"I'm just making sure, you knowv, people can change their minds, and that's okay if you ask me."

carnivalsoration "If I want to fuck you, you'll know. Because I will tell you, and then I will do it."

> Your voice isn't so friendly now.

vwarlordvwanderlust > Jeez, some people are so touchy. You'd raise your hands in surrender, but you're still a little worried that he'll drop you.

"Yeah, got it, good to knowv! It's good to be clear on stuff."

> ...Hm. Are makeouts even really the mood anymore? Why do actions have consequences???

carnivalsoration > You sigh, roll your eyes. "If you say no, what the fuck do you expect people to do? Ask you again, just to make sure?"

> Time to put the boi down. Things aren't that fun and he ruined it by being a shitheel.

vwarlordvwanderlust > :(

> This sucks.

> You pout, and the whine in your voice is definitely really cool and adult.

"I mean, I vwouldn't expect it, necessarily, but I vwouldn't make it a big deal..."

carnivalsoration > How fiercely do you have to glare to give him the full picture of the disdain you have for that whine and those words? You give it a shot for fucking sure. That is a hell of a nasty look.

"You think I'm makin a big deal out of it? I could be so much more overt with my anger and annoyance, motherfucker, I could make a real big deal outta it. My body is mine, my consent is mine, and I can do with it as little or as much as I mother fuckin please, do you understand me?"

> You step up on him with that last little bit, to loom over him. You are not pleased.

vwarlordvwanderlust > HhhhhhhHHHHHHH MAN IT'S NOT AS SEXY THAT HE'S BIG ANYMORE ACTUALLY.

> Wilt under the weight of that glare+loom combo, abruptly stepping back, hands up appeasingly.

"Hey hey, yeah, I get it."

> What's that last part you always forget? Oh, right.

"Sorry!"

> God this bastard is scary. You just want him to like you, this shouldn't be so hard!

carnivalsoration "What do you get? Tell me the lesson you learned. Don't just repeat after me, tell me why what you just said was fucked up."

> you are still looming.

vwarlordvwanderlust "You'd vwin,"

> Not probably a particularly promising start, but goddamn, this sure is the guy who tortured you VERY RECENTLY, huh.

"I get it, you can do vwhatevwer you vwant, I got it, that one vwas my bad."

> You may be the seadweller, but he's still more experienced than you, and four fucking feet taller. You stumble back another step, grinning nervously.

carnivalsoration > Ooh this motherfucker

"That ain't the POINT," you growl. "Try again. I got faith you can get this lesson. It ain't about me, it's about you."

vwarlordvwanderlust > It's not like he's pursuing you, and you feel like if you keep backing up you'll hit wall, which would really not help with the feeling safe thing, so you stop. Even though he growls, and it's fucking terrifying.

"I vwas annoying and pushy? And shouldn't be?"

> Your rising inflection makes it clear that you're definitely guessing, but at least it's an educated guess.

carnivalsoration "There's more to it than annoying." But you seem a little satisfied by that answer. "There's a lot fuckin more to it. You were pushy. People don't like bein round pushy people who don't respect their decisions. And that's the fuckin problem. You didn't respect my decision."

> How do you really drill this into him, you wonder...

vwarlordvwanderlust > Now you're a little defensive.

"I respected your decision! Look, I'm not doing anything nowv, am I?"

> Everyone always assumes the worst of you just because of all the things you do and say, and the person who you are.

carnivalsoration > Your expression gets tight and angry before you sit on the edge of the tub and put your head in your hands for half a second.

"Cronus Ampora," you say, softly. "Have you ever met someone who's been raped?"

vwarlordvwanderlust > What's. Your head snaps up to look at him, and you flush maroon, suddenly angry and upset, but still nervous. Off balance.

"I didn't-- I don't-- that doesn't havwe ANYTHING to do vwith this!"

carnivalsoration "Why not? Haven't you heard about all the people who said no, and then said yes reluctantly because they felt there would be consequences after. Or because they were pressured? And then they got fucked. When they didn't want to be. Someone's hands defiled their body and someone's bulge made them hate themselves. Have you never heard of that?"

> You look at him with deadly seriousness.

"So. Tell me. Have you ever met someone. Who has been sexually violated?"

vwarlordvwanderlust "... No. I mean, not. I don't think that's. That doesn't *happen* here."

> That kind of... crime? It's probably a crime sometimes. But it's not a Beforan thing.

> That's one of those big scary Alternian things.

> You've never heard of anything with a yes involved being called rape, though.

> You fuck with your hair more, no longer meeting his gaze.

carnivalsoration > You reach over, grab him, tug him towards you to make sure he looks you in the eyes.

"It happens everywhere. Everywhere anyone wants to have power over anyone else, or everywhere anyone feels they don't have to pay attention to the wants of anyone else."

> You look at him for two long moments of silence.

"If you ever want to meet a rape victim, keep doing what you did there. You'll make one. Violence doesn't have to be bloody or involve kicking and screaming to happen. Don't let it happen while you're not paying attention."

vwarlordvwanderlust "That's not..."

> You trail off kind of weakly.

"I vwouldn't make people do any-- I vwouldn't make people do that."

> You are, in fact, processing what he's saying, but it doesn't really sound like it, maybe.

"I'm not-- I'm a good guy!"

> The looming sensation of realizing the consequences of your past actions threatens to encroach on your feelings, but you beat that shit back with a stick. This was a rough enough night already, he doesnt need to basically call you a terrible person.

> Your voice is small and tentative when you speak next.

"Isn't it like. Important. For highbloods to, uh. Take things. If they vwant them, and they're tough and can havwe them?"

> You sound like you're trying to remember something from class, not like you're actually making an argument.

carnivalsoration > You watch him, watch expressions flit over his face as you let your words sink in. His question is an important one to figure out how to answer, you can't just say whatever comes to mind.

> It's a few moments before you respond.

"Taking things from others because you have the ability to doesn't change that it's stealing. Fucking someone because you can doesn't automatically make it consentual on their part. Conquest for someone is still torture for someone else. You can't be a good person and a victorious person at the same time, if you hurt someone to get there. People don't like someone and fear someone at the same time."

> You look at him seriously. You can't treat him like a kid, you can't treat him like a dick who doesn't matter. He's an adult who can make his own choices, and they are choices that will define him.

"You choose who you want to be. What you want to do with your power. Every choice you make opens some doors and closes others. You have more doors you can go through than lowbloods do, but but inevitably, you will define yourself by your actions. And you will define the opinions others have of you by them, and by what you do with the choices you have and the results that come of them."

> You hope he's getting the full power of your words. You definitely phrase them like they're important.

"You can take whatever you get your hands on. But shit like 'respect', like 'fondness', like bein liked, cannot be taken by force. It cannot just happen. You put effort into it, into the thoughts of feelings of others. Fear is easy to win. Disgust is easy to win. Easy to keep. Trust is what's hard to win, hard to keep. And, to me, hard things are generally worth earning."

vwarlordvwanderlust > He had you going for a second there. A while, even. You were listening with rapt attention, wide eyed, but.

> As persuasive as he is, as smart as he seems, there's an obvious hole in his argument, and he can't have missed it.

"People lovwe and fear the empress. Evweryone does. She vwants it all and she takes it, and she has it! I'm not trying to put myself on her levwel, but she's the trollish ideal."

> God, but you want to be liked.

"Do you... really believwe all this stuff?"

> You don't know what his motivations would be if he didn't, but.

carnivalsoration > You nod gravely at his question. "I speak the truth I've discovered through pain and trials, and I mean every word of it. Now, I want you to tell me something, and I want you to be thinkin real hard about yourself and about all those people you hang with."

> You raise a wry eyebrow. "Do you, personally, love the empress? Like you do, say, yourself. Or your lusus. Do you think all of your friends do? Go through em one by one, in your mind, see if you can find one that you think might not. You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to. But I want you to be true to yourself, at the very fuckin least."

> You'll let that sink in for a moment, while you watch him.

vwarlordvwanderlust > You think about Mituna, broken and shoved into a padded cage by her policies, and grimace. . Other examples filter up through your mind more gradually, but his is the most salient.

"Vwell... evweryone respects--"

> You think about the fact that he was even broken in the first place because he was protesting her policies, biting the jeweled hand that fed him. He got what was coming to him, though...

> Your mouth settles into a stubborn line

"...Evweryone SHOULD respect the empress, if they're decent. Right?"

> Making such a tentative, heavily conditional statement at all in an argument, let alone then asking for confirmation, should probably be a sign that you're not really feeling it.

carnivalsoration "What is the difference, I wonder, between respect of somethin dangerous, like not playin with fire, and respect of someone's opinions because you value their input and believe they would value yours."

> He's so stubborn and so panwashed by all that propaganda, but he's slowly coming to important realizations that will shape him. And you're proud of him for it, it's sure not an easy thing to do.

"Decency is subjective. You gotta ask yourself what you think is decent. Gotta come to the conclusion, yourself, what you value in a person. Convictions are personal. I want to know what yours are, when you think about what you value most in a person."

vwarlordvwanderlust "You don't need to believwe someone vwould vwalue your input to respect their opinions. Eridan doesn't givwe a shit about anything I say, but he's a good kid and he knowvs lots of stuff."

> Mmm. You feel weird about all this. It's another elaborate test, and you've failed every single one he's given you before it.

"Vwhy do you vwant to knowv?"

carnivalsoration "Oh, but tell me if that makes you less likely to have meaningful conversations with him. Like the one we're having right now."

> Feeling weird is a normal part of this process. It sucks though. You don't like it either.

> You give him a wry smile at his next little question.

"Because I want to respect you, for your own sake."

vwarlordvwanderlust "Sure, I guess."

> Not that that proves anything.

> Hm. You look at him, really look at him, trying to gauge his sincerity.

> You continue to suck at that. Fortunately, you just assume he's sincere.

"I guess... Loyalty. Passion. Honor. Ambition, and uh, success too. It doesn't matter if you don't succeed, haha. Bravwery. The usual?"

> You don't sound especially certain, but then, it's not a question you've had cause to think about much. Not explicitly, at least.

carnivalsoration "I don't wanna hear about the usual. The expected answers. Those are buzzwords, words everyone likes and likes to think about themself. I want to hear somethin that could be individual to you. You ain't everyone. You're you. You got your own shit to bring to the table and I wanna hear what Cronus Ampora, specifically, values."

vwarlordvwanderlust "I don't..."

> This is a Big Question. Him first.

"Vwhat vwould you say, someone asked you that?"

> You have literally no clue. Maybe his answer will be inspiring.

carnivalsoration "I value people who have conviction but are open to change. I value people who respect thoughts different than their own, and can learn from things they don't experience. I like people who will hear me talk about my gods and not dismiss everythin I say. I like people who are thoughtful about their enemies as well as their friends. I like people who get angry. And I like people who can control their anger. I respect people who have knowledge but don't assume they know everything. I respect people who have been through shit but still know not to apply what they know universally, without context. I like people who are different from me."

vwarlordvwanderlust > Well, at the very least, you sure get angry.

"Vwowv, that's. A lot."

> You jam your hands in your pockets and look to the side.

"I dunno. I just. Like people vwho like me."

> That's the dumbest and truest thing you've ever said.

carnivalsoration > Welp, that didn't Quite work.

"What makes you dislike people?"

vwarlordvwanderlust "I guess I don't like it vwhen people..."

> 'Are mean to me'. Shit. You need a different one.

> Kick at the ground. This is so complicated.

"It's obnoxious vwhen people don't care about anything at all. There's so much *stuff*, and some people can't be bothered to pay attention to any of it. This is vworse than the torture, because it's making me face howv boring I am. "

> (Just kidding, you won't actually face that for a good while yet.)

carnivalsoration > You hum, consider him. "You're not boring. Not really. You're just... Not finished. You're like an artist and your canvas. And you've got all your outlines set up, but there ain't any color yet."

> Better continue on before he gets offended, delicate little shit. "Still, that's important, that thing you just said. You don't like people who don't care. So it follows that you're drawn to people who do care. Does it matter, to you, what they care about?"

vwarlordvwanderlust > Rude.

> But yeah, it turns out dicking around on a guitar all night and fantasizing about killing aliens doesn't actually lead to much growth as a person.

"Yeah, passion, like I said."

> You think for a second.

"I guess... I mean, it's best if they care about shit that's interesting. I mean, I don't vwanna hear some nerd go on about model trains for hours. But I think caring about something enough to dedicate yourself to it is cool."

> You're kind of opening up again, even though this isn't exactly something you're used to talking about. You don't feel like you're on the edge of a wrong answer, though.

"Art, especially, though. Art is so..."

> Useful? Important? Nah. You fold back into yourself a little.

"It's neat, at least. I guess being interested in something practical is better."

carnivalsoration > You like that, like that he can see the value in giving a shit about things he doesn't care a lick about. Your expression has been steadily softening, and now you smile a little at his words. He's doing great. Keep going, Cronus.

> And then he says something a bit down again, a bit Alternian Standard, and you have to reach back for what he was so close to expressing. Something genuine about Himself.

"No, tell me more about art, brother. I wanna hear your thoughts. What excites you about art, about music?"

vwarlordvwanderlust > You laugh a little.

"You're biased because you're a clowvn, but yeah, sure."

> You fall back into the subject with little encouragement, seemingly forgetting that this is the Big Scary Alternian Mentor Guy.

"Art is... Good art, to clarify, because there's a lot of shit out there. But art is beautiful evwen vwhen it's ugly, because art is honest evwen vwhen it's fake. All art tells a truth about the artist, y'knowv?"

carnivalsoration "I do know. I like that about art, I like knowin about people through what they do and how they do it."

> You don't mind the clown stereotyping. Just this once. It's true enough anyway.

"And what do you think your art says about you?"

vwarlordvwanderlust "Vwell, if you havwe to ask, it must not havwe been saying vwery vwell!"

> You take that in good humor, though.

"I guess my public stuff, the newv music, is mostly about me being cool and tough and a loyal citizen. But subject isn't the same as message... It probably mostly says howv self centered I am."

> Candor!

> You do talk a lot about yourself in your songs.

carnivalsoration > You laugh a bit as well. "Well, the message I get and the message you intend can be two separate things. Art is individual even to the observers of it. But I think that comes across pretty well."

> You think it comes across that he's lonely and desperate.

"What about your private stuff, then? The stuff where you are the artist and the intended audience?"

vwarlordvwanderlust "Vwell, I mean, that stuff's privwate."

> So's your vent blog, but this guy has that too.

> You stare off into the middle distance, because it makes you look cool and deep.

"I guess it mostly just says that I'm sensitivwe. Major character flawv, but sometimes the babes lovwe it, so it's a mixed bag. It's all about heartbreak and abandonment or vwhatevwer."

carnivalsoration > Oh fuck. Oh fuck it's so hard to not laugh at him sometimes.

> You keep back the chuckles and feel glad that he's staring off into the distance like a nerd.

"So you feel abandoned? Misunderstood?"

vwarlordvwanderlust "Sure, yeah. I mean, it's not like people stick around."

> For Some Reason.

"Nobody really gets me, and nobody really cares to try. I guess you do, and San."

carnivalsoration > .... And That's about all the focus you're willing to have with this conversation.

"Well, me and saness are gonna do our best. So. Ya know. Try not to make it too hard on us."

vwarlordvwanderlust "I'll do my best."

> Grin, setting aside your Dramatic Melancholy for later.

"I like you guys, you're great. Vweird, but hey, vwho isn't?"

carnivalsoration "Who knows. No one I wanna chill with."

> A few seconds of looking at him.

"Hey I got shit to do and I can't really do it in this busted up hive."

vwarlordvwanderlust "No, yeah, I vwas just about to ask if you vwere ready to dip."

> It's time for lots of introspection, followed by promptly discarding all the conclusions you come to that feel bad.

> This was. Something. Lots of things.

"Do you havwe your owvn vway back? San did."

carnivalsoration > You're not sure he actually was. You're just a little tired of dealing with a wiggler.

"Yeah," you motion to a bracer very similar to hers. "I'm pretty good on transport. Catch ya later?"

vwarlordvwanderlust "Seeya around, boss."

> Fingerguns and wink. God you're charming. Time to go.

carnivalsoration > You disappear! Bye bitch.

[boratanical]

Could u post a list about what u wish for Loona or like an opinion list about them (yk what u write in your tags n all), bc I think u have ya shit toegther about them and yeah it's interesting

ooohhh anon u rlly an intellectual 

so basically since they are a big group i think it would be best for loona to function in a similar way to seventeen and wjsn 

lowkey ban the whole subunit thing now kajflsdkfj subunits are part of their predebut era and i think they should stay there since they are making subunits seem more significant in loona without bringing the backstory thats suppose to come along with it (seventeen and wjsn have units but they dont rlly push it like how bbc has done with loona)

get rid of the assigned posing (even tho its kinda smart at some points) i think its stupid and awkward that the girls always have to be in that position and it seems more of an inconvenience 

also like way back i made a post abt this but idk if its still on this blog but for the assigned posing spots i concluded that basically heejin is always in the middle bc shes center, kim lip acts more of a leader so shes in the middle, and yyxy are also in the middle since they are considered the most popular subunit

the whole script/uniform thing with loona needs to go i h9 it so much its so unnatural - which includes having the same uniform but diff colors for performances (its so cute but for like only a week tho) , letting the girls wear more casual clothes when they do variety shows, radio shows, otw to music shows, etc instead of the obvious coordinated outfits (which also make them look like they wear the same thing to every event), letting the girls post whenever they want on ig (like how red velvet do) and not have their captions look obviously edited by staff, and more that i cant think of all the top of my head

!!!!! i want bbc !!! to not be afraid !!! to break routine/consistency/uniformity !!! they are a company that should always be finding what is in best interest of the group !!! and they should try to work with other ppl !!!! outside of their already established bubble !!!

even tho i love loona’s relationship with their choreographer (they gave him notes and a cake on teacher’s day uwu) he rlly aint giving them the best choreo and it just stunts loona’s dancing potential. i rlly want them to work with wjsn’s choreographer bc they know how to do good choreo for a big group!! 

when loona did seventeen’s choreo they seemed more in sync and more composed compared to when they do hi high and it just suited them more so yah!! diff choreographer pls !!!

i know as of now they are still developing the whole loonaverse and i rlly enjoy it but i hope they can stray away from it in the future for a bit and not force the whole concept of loona on just that cause then it wount let them try new things (like how exo and the whole superpowers/exo planet thing took a break in 2014/2015) 

i rlly want them to work with other mv production companies!! ofc i love digipedi and digipedi has done justice for loona but i wanna see a loona mv by vm or shin heewon!!

when they release a whole album i want them to have like solos or duets or unit songs in them but instead of like our usual duets and units its different (so like instead of a 2jin duet we would get jinsoul and yves duet song and instead of a yyxy song it would be yeojin, gowon, and chuu in a song together - similar to how seventeen and exid do in their albums) 

give more content!!! loona tv is nice but its only a minute long and we dont even get it everyday akdfjalsdkf so maybe a reality show or letting the girls do vlives whenever (like how fromis_9 are doing) would be rlly fun for the girls and the fans!!

better line distribution!! im pretty sure bbc kinda undervalues like half og the group’s vocals and ends up pushing a lot of it to the stronger ones which fucking sucks cause it looks like bbc doesnt have faith in them :(

favoritsm !!! needs to stop!!! just bc heejin is the first girl!!! doesnt mean she needs to be !! in the center for everything!!! they have given her the most lines, the most center spots, and the most screen time without being able to adjust its effects on the other girls!! i dont mind her having the center position i just think bbc hasnt done a very good job with how they handle it !!!

h9 to say this but even mnet shows are doing better with this then bbc!!! even tho they have centers who are entitled to their earned center position, they do not shove it down our throats!!! just bc they are centers doesnt mean they need the most of everything!! 

ioi, wanna one, fromis_9, and izone have pretty decent distributions that fit with their roles (main vocalists have the most lines, rappers have their fair part, dancers get a focus part, etc) - bbc literally could care less !! 

im just mad that 1/3 got shit alkdfjalksf

also its obvi that bbc likes heejin, kim lip, jinsoul, yves, and chuu more than the other girls they know that those girls are the favs within orbits and its also a coincidence that those girls also are the the stronger vocalists :/

better teaser pics plS if we get more bleached mugshots immA screAM 

i want more galaxy and more floral fantasy !!! dats the good stuff!!

this is rlly all i can think abt rn cause im kinda in a food coma but yah anon if u wanna talk more abt this then dm LOL