#and most of the other half are contradicted by my life experiences

[tuesdayisfordancing]

Fics where people force garbage “sleep hygiene” techniques on their insomniac friends my nemesis.

[funkle420]

*takes my last adderall so i can finish all my work in one day*

*finishes one (1) assignment*

*gets distracted and spends the rest of the day hyperfocusing on delicious in dungeon again*

[notmeowse]

That AMA marks the end of Dragon Age.

In my opinion.

I'll start by saying that I have played all 3 of the previous games repeatedly, I've loved the series for 15 years, more than half my life. These games inspired me to become a writer and they've shaped a lot of my tastes and interests in shows and writing -- to say they were formative is kind of an understatement. Don't want to go on and on about how much I loved them, that's not the point here.

I didn't care for Veilguard for pretty much all of the reasons people have already discussed at length on Reddit and Tumblr. The writing is comprehensively bad, the romances are easily the worst Bioware has written by pure virtue of having the most cookie-cutter pacing and shallow characterization I've seen across their games, the lore has been shafted in every direction, and the nuanced storytelling and roleplay I came to expect from the series has been taken out back and shot in the head.

All, apparently, in the name of a "clean slate". It seems to me that, rather than familiarizing himself with the existing lore of the game he took the creative reins on, Epler clearly had a vision for Dragon Age (or perhaps a different IP entirely) in his head that he decided to transplant into the game (and possibly Trick? But they've said so little beyond defending their work that I can hardly theorize what direction they were coming from). That being a sanitized, wildly self-contradicting, morally absolute shitshow focused on distancing itself from the previous games as much as possible. Now, I know it's unrealistic to blame one person entirely, and I don't blame him entirely. Corinne was there. Trick was there.

But if it wasn't already evident from the numerous interviews Epler's given on the game as well as his participation in the Q&A's (while the actual lead writer of the game has been completely absent in not just the marketing, but in most fan-related interaction pre and post-launch outside of BSKY), this AMA seems to have confirmed, more than anything else, that Epler doesn't understand the game nor does he understand its audience. Neither does Corinne Busche, who despite being Game Director for only the last two years of development, has been answering lore questions a) like she has any fucking clue and b) like she thinks Dragon Age is a cozy-gamer IP, meant to appeal to people that want uplifting stories with uncontroversial characters, morally upright heroes, and unquestionably evil villains.

So as of today's AMA, I think I've finally had enough. We're just outright retconning the lore in Reddit AMA's now, I guess. Among other things. I'll provide a few examples, just so we're all on the same page.

This was part of Epler's response to why Solas didn't have his cult following in the game (insert "We Kind of Forgot" meme here):

Solas' experience leading the rebellion against the Evanuris turned him against the idea of being a leader. You see it in the memories - the entire experience of being in charge ate at him and, ultimately, convinced him he needed to do this on his own. And his own motivations were very different from the motivations of those who wanted to follow him - he had no real regard for their lives or their goals. So at some point between Trespasser and DATV, he severed that connection with his 'followers' and went back to being a lone wolf.

The fact that this (the not caring bit) directly contradicts the writing in the actual game is absolutely INSANE to me, moreso than the lack of Solas's spy network (which he apparently carried with him for 10 years only to conveniently drop right before the ritual? Because he clearly had them research Rook?). But in regards to the not caring -- here's a line from Solas's memory of killing Mythal in Veilguard, which. I'll get to Mythal in a minute:

Why should I not tear down the Veil, and bring back immortality to all the elven people? They deserve it!

Which is it? Does Solas care about the people he's saving (the venn diagram of people he's saving vs. the people following him is surely a circle, i.e. elves) or not? Does he even care about the spirits trapped behind the Veil anymore or is it just convenient to abandon them and have him only care about elves, now? What happened to saving The People? What happened to him not identifying as an elf in his conversations with a Dalish Inquisitor? And what the absolute fuck happened to him wanting to bring back the magical marvels (that the ancient elves did in fact achieve) that were greater than anything we see in Thedas today? Here's what Epler has to say about elven magic, now:

I do agree that the elves have had their place in the sun at this point. [...] The thing about the Evanuris is that, ultimately, they were able to take a very specific type of magic and shape it into doing what they wanted. But even their understanding of magic was only skin deep [...] Even the magic that Tevinter wields, the magic of the Southern mages, is different from what the Evanuris used. The magic of the Evanuris is powerful but it's sterile, and it's constrained. So while the Evanuris have made magic work in a way that's more predictable and understandable, it's not the only kind of magic out there, and even then, I'd say they understood it at a very surface level. People were confidently describing how the natural world worked back in the 16th century. Very few of them were right.

First of all, Tevinter has been stated in previous games to have clumsily adapted ancient elven magic for their own, but they did adapt it. To the point where even Solas is surprised that Corypheus achieved effective immortality -- by binding himself to a dragon the same way the Evanuris did. So, cool, more contradicting the lore here. "They understood it at a very surface level" you mean when all of the magic of the Fade wasn't locked behind the Veil? You mean when magic flowed freely through the world? What do you mean, Surface Fucking Level? The entire point of the Dalish elf culture is what they lost; this wasn't the ancient elves thinking the sun revolved around the earth, the Veil was their fucking Library of Alexandria burning. Oh my god. I still cannot believe he said this.

And how have the elves had their day in the sun? I'm sorry, was Arlathan not given to... the Veil Jumpers? Instead of the Dalish? What happened to all the Dalish clans in the south, who had no infrastructure when the world was apparently blighted to hell? I guess they're just gone now! They've had their day! The story of the Dalish and the Evanuris is over (also confirmed in this AMA), and it apparently ends with the final snuff of the candle that is their culture. Congratulations, Chantry, you've won! Only took two genocides and a double blight, but we're done with the Dalish now! We get your mind-numbingly superficial factions instead!

What happened to Mythal, by the way? What happened to "She was betrayed as I was betrayed, as the world was betrayed! Mythal clawed and crawled her way through the ages to me, and I will see her avenged!" What happened to the reckoning that will shake the very heavens? John's answer to this:

People grow and change over time. Mythal's essence - and in particular, the fragment of her spirit that Morrigan carries, that she got from Flemeth - is not the same Mythal who he knew millennia ago. Centuries of living in this world and being around the kinds of people Flemeth found herself around - the Hero of Ferelden, Hawke, the Inquisitor - changed her views, and made her realize her own culpability in turning Solas into the kind of person he is now.

Oh, right, okay. So she was pissed for like a thousand years, got her big speech about the impending "reckoning" out 10 years ago, and then she just chilled out because the last 3 heroes were neat people. What a fucking joke. And yes, here is the confirmation that the Evanuris story is over --

The story of the Evanuris is done - the gods are dead (or imprisoned) and Thedas is in a state of flux and uncertainty. I imagine that whatever happens next is going to be a surprise to everyone, including the people of Thedas."

So I guess Mythal's reckoning is never coming. One of the most fascinating characters in the series, shrouded in mystery for those first 3 games, PROMISING US a blaze of glory, only to fizzle out in this one. Again, and I can't emphasize this enough, for Epler's clean fucking slate. And we've not just tied up her story, but also the Veil and the Blight:

When Solas bound himself (or, depending on your ending, was forcibly bound) to the Veil, it severed the connection that the Blight had to the waking world. The reality is that the Veil has been leaking ever since the Magisters first entered the Black City, and the dreams of the Titans gave it its terrible and awesome power. Now that the Veil is fully repaired, the Blight lacks that motive force, and being so close to the epicenter of that change has stripped the Blight in Minrathous of its vitality. It's calcified now - dead - and Bellara/Neve no longer suffer its effects. If they'd been anywhere else, further from that epicenter, it would've likely been different and they still would be looking for a cure.

So the Veil is permanently fixed now because our half-dead Dread Wolf bound himself to it (a decision I still don't understand) and that somehow fixed every single hole ever poked in it. Fully repaired. No more holes, no more "Veil is thin here" because tons of people died in the same spot, nope, we're washing our hands and leaving it (and the spirits) behind us because we've wrapped up both the series-long Veil storyline and the blight storyline in a big red bow.

And Epler tells us Solas not only bound himself to the Veil but fixed it entirely in one fell swoop, no ritual required, just a little slice to the hand. Again, all in the name of a clean slate, so any future installments or media centered around Thedas can turn away from this story.

Then there's this. What we can expect from future installments, I freaking guess. The aforementioned roleplay getting taken out back and shot:

Q: "What lead you to the decision to step away from active conversations with the companions as in previous Bioware games, where you can initiate them at any moment and ask exhaustive questions?"

John: "For us, because of tech limitations, it became a choice between exhaustive investigate conversations, or letting the companions move more freely around the Lighthouse. With the kind of experience we were going for, one where seeing the team grow around you is paramount, we felt that seeing them interact in common spaces (and in each other's rooms) made more sense."

Literally confirmed that they chose companions moving freely about the cabin over ... interacting with them outside the handful of cutscenes we got. Who in their right mind would think this was a good call in a Dragon Age game? A series that quite literally prides itself on complex character interactions and storytelling? So they could... sit in different places? Are you kidding me?

They don't see an issue with the game's reception. They don't have any interest in addressing or responding to criticism. They're either happy with their choices or EA's got a gun pointed at their heads, I'm honestly not sure anymore. I used to believe the latter was true, but looking at both Epler's and Busche's responses today, I'm inclined to believe the former.

So I think that's it for the series. Not that I thought it was going to get another game after this, but on the absolute off chance it did, what would be the point? The best stories were ruined. Anything left they have to tell is going to read a lot like Veilguard -- superficial, morally absolute, flagrantly disrespectful to the lore, and delivered in a very poorly written package.

[gay-dorito-dust]

You loved coming to the lake early in the morning before everyone else.

It gave you a sense of privacy and some quiet from the usual chaos that was camps half blood, not that you’d complain as you’ve been here since as long as you could remember, it was the only place that was safe for people like you and the only time you left camp was for quests; which were few and far between but it wasn’t like you were out of other things to do in order to pass the time.

Your most favourite thing however was to sit at the waters edge of the canoe lake and just listen to the sound of waves lapping up against the shore, or to the chorus of birds that were hidden within the tall trees, leaving you to guess where they were exactly within them. You even loved the smell of the early morning, you loved it even more when you could feel the biting cold of it nipping at your skin, along with the dew collected on grass soaking your shoes and clothes.

You loved how at peace you felt knowing the rest of camp was resting, knowing that they were safe but there was one thing you loved above all else…

‘Hey there sweetheart.’ You felt a familiar warmth press itself up against your back and a weight upon your shoulders as his arms made themselves at home on your waist.

And that was getting to experience these moments with Luke Castellan.

‘Hello you.’ You said softly as you leaned back to look at him, only to see that he was only smiling back at you with soft brown eyes, it never failed to make you feel as though you were living some fantasy whenever you were with the head counsellor of the Hermes cabin, you could curse his name as many times as you wanted but it didn’t change the fact that you come alive at his touch and become devout to him and only him.

You hated yourself for how easily you melted against him but you couldn’t help but cuddle yourself further against him as to hog his warmth for yourself against the cold early morning breeze. It seemed as though Luke had similar thoughts in regard to this as he only encouraged this by keeping you cuddled up to him, pressing a kiss to the side of your head. ‘Someone’s feeling a little clingy this morning?’ He teases and you only burrowed your head under his chin, shoving your hands into the pocket of his hoodie to wake them up.

‘I might’ve forgotten to grab a jacket before I left my cabin.’ You replied groggily as you press a kiss to his neck before looking out at the lake, which was now clam and still enough to look like a massive mirror as it reflected the sky above almost perfectly.

‘So you’re trying to steal mine? How rude.’ Luke asks as he lightly pinched your side, making you laugh as you halfheartedly try and swat his hand away, only for Luke to grasp your hand and intertwine your fingers with his own before raising it to press a kiss to your knuckles.

‘You’re too warm and comfortable…and did I mention warm? So how can I not want to use you as my personal heater?’ You asked playfully as Luke laughed.

‘That’s all I am to you? A heater?’ Luke asks as though he was offended, even though you knew that he would be more insulted if you didn’t come to him for warning up, you still remembered how Luke refused you to wear anything but his hoodies whenever you told him that you were cold. The Hermes boy could be infuriatingly cute when you least expect it, but he never failed to make life as a demi-god somewhat even more tolerable, even if he could also be a pain in your ass.

‘You’re the one who said it not me.’ You chuckle as you found your face aching with how much you were smiling because of him and him alone, you swore like had magic within his fingers. ‘But then again I don’t see you being mad at me cuddling up to you on the colder days, so how can I take you seriously when you tend to contradict yourself constantly.’ You add with a chuckle but that didn’t last long as Luke lifted up his hoodie and brought it over your head so that you were trapped between his chest and his hoodie.

‘Luke!’ You exclaimed as Luke only laughed at your expense.

‘I thought this was what you wanted sweetheart, being warm and all.’ He says as he felt you get comfortable under his hoodie, holding onto his waist as your thumbs caress his sides soothingly. He did look under the collar of his hoodie and immediately smiled upon seen how close you were to falling asleep on him, but Luke wasn’t going to complain as there was no better way to start his day then having his favourite person find comfort under his hoodie.

‘It’s your fault for being this warm and perfect,’ you murmur, ‘you completely throw off my entire day as all I wanna do is stay here with you and leech off of your warmth.’ You add as you felt Luke hold you tighter through the hoodie as he then proceeds to rub up and down your back, not helping make anything better as it only made you feel even more sleepy then you originally were, you assumed the cold early morning breeze didn’t give you any moment to focus on anything other then how you really should’ve brought your jacket with you.

Luke hummed as he made a face of thought, not that you could see it, and smile to himself as he knew you were right like you always were. ‘That’s true but I’m not seeing you complain either.’ He retorts but you couldn’t think of anything to reply back with as Luke pretty much had you where he wanted you, in his embrace.

You loved coming to the lake early in the morning but you loved spending time with Luke and being allowed to be in love with him even more.

[timesomewhere]

in honour of the West End's next to normal closing today I've finally proof-read my 'things I noticed/general thoughts' post that's been sitting in my drafts since I saw it earlier this month. it's very long I'm very sorry.

Act One:

it was really fun watching this show in September given that there's two references to it in the first song

I adore the monologue about the pills that Dr. Fine gives during 'Who's Crazy'. it's rhythmic and funny yet also unnerving. It's such a quick and impactful way to summarise what Diana has been through for the past 16 years

Gabe does a 'one of your French girls' pose on the kitchen counter under the cabinets during 'My Psychopharmacologist and I'

Jamie Parker made direct eye contact with me during the last part of 'Who's Crazy' and it was one of the most intense experiences of my life

I might just be dense but I don't get the point of the neon sign that says 'Fine' which drops down during the Dr. Fine scene. Initially I thought that then one would drop down saying 'Madden' during his scenes to help people differentiate between the doctors but then it didn't so it just feels like a weird extra prop

speaking of random props, shout out to the iPad on the table in the opening scene which Gabe pretty much instantly takes away after telling Diana that she shouldn't obsess over tragic news stories and is then never seen again as far as I remember

Dan in the flashback scene being such an optimist about Diana's pregnancy and the future they're gonna have together... soul-crushing

Caissie Levy's 'I Miss The Mountains.' Holy Shit.

I love how Diana and Gabe are the only characters who sing on/stand on the table. it's as though it's this extra dimension of the house that only they have access to and it's a really neat and subtle way to show that they relate to each other in ways other characters don't

'It's Gonna Be Good' is so underrated. Jamie Parker's somewhat genuine optimism becoming optimism-through-gritted-teeth is incredibly acted

The way Jamie delivers the first line of 'He's Not Here' is devastating. the heaviness of that moment as you feel the audience around you realising what's just happened is something I'll remember forever

Gabe body-blocking Dan from Diana during 'I Am the One' is such good staging. People talk about how Jack Wolfe plays Gabe with a lot of layers and a lot of simultaneous contradiction and this song is one of the best examples of that. how Jack manages to project a character who is goading his father and protecting his mother at the same time is beyond me

also Jack has maybe half-an-inch on Jamie which obviously isn't something the actors control but it does makes Gabe seem just that bit more threatening when he's getting in Dan's face

for the first part of Superboy and the Invisible Girl when it's just Natalie singing, Gabe is actively laughing. He's totally unperturbed by her efforts to make herself seen to her mother. it's only when Diana replies, particularly when she says "you're our little pride and joy, our perfect plan" that you see his face drop and you see him trying to figure out a way to stop her from getting Diana's attention which then results in him kicking her off the melody in her own song

"I'll hurt you" being directed at Dan and "I'll heal you" being directed at Diana as Gabe gently touches her face gets me so bad. but the most painful part of 'I'm Alive' for me is when Gabe looks at Dan as he says "I'm the perfect stranger who knows you too well." that's the first time you realise that perhaps Gabe doesn't just impact Diana, and there's something much larger at play

Caissie and Jack W's voices harmonising on 'Catch Me I'm Falling' was one of my favourite parts of the whole show. Their voices are so magical together and their mother/son chemistry is incredible

The 'I Dreamed A Dance' into 'There's a World' sequence is one of the most tragically beautiful things I've ever witnessed. I went into the show knowing what Gabe was trying to achieve during 'There's A World' and yet Jack's voice is so beautifully haunting you totally forget you're supposed to root against Gabe in that moment

Jamie Parker's 'I've Been' is some of the best acting through song out there. Interestingly my friend and I had very different interpretation's of what Gabe's horrified reaction to the blood meant. I viewed it as him being upset about what he convinced Diana to do - he doesn't like seeing her hurt. Whereas my friend saw it as him being angry at himself that she didn't manage to follow through, meaning that he has failed to regain control over her life

'I'm no sociopath, I'm no Sylvia Plath. I ain't no Frances Farmer kind of find for you' is one of the best musical theatre lyrics of all time. I genuinely don't know why I Miss The Mountains is the 'big song' known from N2N over 'Didn't I See This Movie?', it's just so good

Natalie's 'She trusts you!' line is heartbreaking, I was basically watching that entire scene through my fingers because of how high the emotion was

Act Two:

'Pfizer's woman of the year' will in fact be peak comedy every time. Eleanor's delivery is *chef's kiss*

Gabe having just one line in 'Wish I Were Here', and that line being 'Wish I were here.' Yeah. I feel very normal about that.

Natalie's line of "Can I hide my stupid hunger, fake some confidence and cheer?" being pretty much exactly what Gabe has done throughout the entirety of act 1

"And you're not a scary rockstar anymore" got one of the biggest laughs at both of the shows I went to

Dan's desperation during 'Better Than Before.' He is simultaneously trying to cajole Diana into remembering and get Natalie to be more positive. This one song really highlights how he's being pulled in a million different directions while trying to hold it all together and Jamie portrays that so well

Aftershocks. Wow. The way the last word of each line echoes throughout the theatre is great sound design. I've been in exam halls louder than the audience during that song. Holding a room that captive as a silhouette is quite the feat Jack Wolfe you will always be famous

"I don't know where the fucking pieces go" as Diana pushes things off the table as if there's a real jigsaw there that she's rage quitting and choosing to give up on is such a nice detail

"Have you talked of your depression, your delusions and your son?" The gasp in the theatre both times was sickening

the response of "good' in reply to "name?" when technically that was part of his name as they are the "Goodmans". I don't really have a point here I just think it's neat

The 'It's Gonna Be Good" reprise was one of my favourite Dan/Diana moments. Caissie and Jamie are really pushing each other to their emotional limits and they handle it so well

The first "Why stay?" is so fragile as Diana sits against the kitchen island. Also interesting given that Dan and Gabe will also sit against there later when they are at their lowest point in the story. The idea of the characters crawling to the 'centre/heart' of the home when they are at their weakest

"This is one old game that I can play so well" is the line that has stuck the most with me throughout the show. Jack's delivery of it while striding across the kitchen table - seemingly totally invincible - is crazy.

how Caissie manages to deliver "you shrugged and said that no one really knows" with humour and desperation at the same time is amazing

When Gabe and Diana stand on the table and if they let go of one another they'll fall. yeahhhhh.....

Gabe's realisation that Diana isn't going to give up on getting better. Totally collapsing in on himself and beginning to cry. How you manage to feel bad for him after all the destruction he's caused is wild

Diana's "maybe I'm tired of the game" relating back to Gabe's "this is one old game that I can play so well"

the lyrics in 'Hey #3' clearly reflecting things Diana has done, Henry cutting Natalie off at "bleeding in the bathtub"

"I am the one who'll heal you" being said to Dan not Diana this time

"Why didn't you go with her?" is the most devastating line in the whole musical I said what I said. Jamie's delivery of it is heart wrenching

the drums and bass kicking in for the loud part of I Am The One as Gabe becomes desperate to be seen once again

Jack and Jamie's acting in this moment is so intense. there's a moment where it's genuinely feels as though only one of them can make it out of the interaction alive

Jack's emphasis on the word 'loved' in the line "I am the one who loved you" nearly killed me on the spot. how somebody can deliver a line so desperately while remaining pitch perfect is unfair

Natalie coming in to kiss Dan's head at the start of 'Light' like Gabe kisses Diana's in the first scene. I'm such a sucker for a gut punching

the "And are they real?" line about Diana's parent's from Henry gets such a loud reaction from the audience. Some people laugh immediately, some people clearly get shocked out of their sobs. so good

In conclusion, this is my favourite musical of all time and I'm going to be so annoying waiting for the pro-shot to come out

[moonshynecybin]

Hi, new to motogp and i’m a sucker for friends to enemies to lovers and relationships drama and pain so obviously i love marc/vale, i am also think marc is fascinating, but I haven’t found much info detailed info vale’s smear campaign against him/his media savvyness/his entire personality, like i think i grasp the bare bones but, are there any tumblr essay that are required reading to you? Also any good posts about this arm injury (aside for the documentary that i will be watching this weekend)

i love arm. ummmm his documentary is pretty much the story. like the central conceit/plot of the whole damn thing is to chart this latest operation on the injury he sustained in jerez 2020 its GONNA give you most of the information on that. now, that being said. marc is a liar sometimes, so i'm gonna try and gather some resources that might give a better idea on where his arm is NOW, because its something he kind of contradicts himself about !

simon patterson interview with The Race podcast: shockingly candid tbh. i think lil homie was having a bit of a crisis. standing on the edge of a cliff facing down possibly the end of his career. what if the move to gresini sucks ass kinda moment. couching his chances this year pretty aggressively. he ALSO says some stuff about how fucked up his arm still is that hes since tried to mildly walk back cuz hes funny. anyways because im insane i transcribed it:

SP: Did you have to switch teams this season? Did you have to change to something that gave you more of a chance to win after the last few years after how difficult everything has been? MM: Yeah, of course if I change teams its because it was something that I need. And yeah, of course it was a risky movement, but at the same time it was a movement thinking on my career, not on results in a short time. Its like thinking if I have the motivation, if I’m competitive again. You know, I had— three years ago, four years ago I had a very big injury, a hard injury in the arm. And yeah, now its working well, but still is not— I mean its the arm that you open four times. If you ask to a doctor, of course its performing in a good way, but its not the same arm. But I have many question marks inside my head. So, the best way to answer to myself is— do what I want. And yeah, its a risky movement. Why? Because the comfortable movement is to stay where I was, with my people, with my friends, with a big salary, the project. But I decided to jump to a new project and at the moment we will see if I can answer the many questions that I have. SP: It sounds like the reason you did it, the questions you have to answer are all for yourself. It's not about– MM: No, no no no– it's just for me. Because for me— I say many times in my interviews— if I don't feel competitive– and competitive doesn't mean win or win, it means be in that top five top six, and yeah five four podiums, five four victories. Win a championship is super difficult. And especially it becomes more and more difficult when the years are passing and the younger [people] are coming. So the life is the life and every athlete has his moment, and then step by step it goes down. But yeah I need to feel again competitive to continue with my career.  Especially these last four years, has been, I mean– has been a nightmare, but is like it has passed super quick. The other years I was competing. I mean in the last four years I’ve completed half the championship, because I had many injuries, so now I need to find this stability, this pace. To start to create again a good base to fight for some races to the top positions— this is my intention. But to fight for the championship? This is something that still I’m not ready for. SP: You said that you learned a lot, during all of this. Is there things that have made you better? Are there things that youre gonna come back now with like new skills because of the experience? MM: No. I will not be better than before. Because– Yeah, maybe I have more experience, but before I was 100% in physical condition, and I was fresh. People say ‘No, he will come back stronger.’ When you have an injury, of course it's— injury is an injury. When you have an injury like two, three years, you lose the rhythm, you lose the feeling sometimes. And then it's super difficult to repeat all those things. But especially because your body— I mean they say the body is super smart, it can adapt. The body is super smart to adapt to new things, but it also is smart to remember what’s going on there. So yeah. I will be different, maybe— but not better.

theres also this similar quote from jan 2023:

theres also this recent statement from mat oxley talking about his arm and his sort of. show no weakness when it can be used against you philosophy

SO. following with that observation. he's started also kinda. being more noncommittal and vague in interviews/presscons now that he senses blood in the water. show no weakness expose no underbelly type stuff. so theres this in preseason which is actually around the same time as the patterson interview where he's still couching it a bit but hes also very adamant that his arm is working:

and then the BIG change comes around mugello this year, when he was fishing HARD for that ducati 2025 seat and changed his tune uh. QUITE a bit:

finally just some posts psychoanalyzing his ass about arm/injury, MOST of which are fairly recent. here, here, here, here, here, and here. ive also aggregated some recs for content good for learning about him in general here! go with god

[beemovieerotica]

trying to find like 1 buddhist temple near me to go to and braved reddit to find commentary on different sects and it's such a cesspool of both completely unaware hypocrisy and "all religion bad" shit.

the way americans talk about modern buddhism is like "it's such a cult...they require membership dues...and they get political sometimes...and the leaders are really charismatic speakers" as if. as if every community center doesn't have rent to pay. and makes commentary on society at large. and the people they choose to speak are probably good speakers. every christian church in america also does all these things. like if these are the requirements for a cult then every religion also does this and so of course the other half of the reddit comments go "and THIS is why all religions are cults!!"

I feel like I have a pretty good radar for cult behavior after matrix bullet dodging at least 2 in college and these people online are specifically talking about the sect my grandparents & extended family are in. and it's weird because the complaints are primarily philosophical in nature, like "they communicate with the spirit realm!!" and idk how to emphasize to people that it doesn't strictly matter how weird you think a belief system is, that's not what makes something a cult. it's whether or not the cult subsumes the person's life, isolates them from non-participants, forces an emotional dependency, deifies and makes unimpeachable a still-living leader, and/or requires an ever-escalating financial stake. the average evangelical church ticks off most boxes in this list, the temples they're talking about don't do any of these things, they have esoteric takes that at best will get an eyebrow raise in conversation.

like it's not terribly surprising that american ex-christians are put off by the idea of people connecting with their ancestors and deceased loved ones because of its contradiction with both atheism and the christian afterlife - and I wouldn't lump it in with spirit medium grifters since people are literally not being paid for this service. it's just really odd sifting through all of the commentary because I absolutely agree that any religious group can turn into a cult, I don't think buddhism is immune to that at all, I don't think any belief system is at its core immune to becoming an isolating force in someone's life - but it's just wild seeing these sects being but through a Good Religion purity test that no christian church would pass just based on the surface level strangeness of their beliefs versus the actual identifiers of what a cult looks like.

but anyway that's a long tangent. the temple that I'm looking at is not part of that sect but a different one, it's the only one within reasonable driving distance with an up-to-date calendar of events and responsive staff, and I'm feeling very cunty right now and I'm seeing that is has had concerns raised about it in the past of being "too political" "too fast-growing" "too aggressive in recruiting" and I simply love placing myself in circumstances and then telling everyone about the drama I find. that is worth jotting down. I'm going to record all my experiences and report back, and if I do end up in a cult, y'all will be the first to know - and if it's an unremarkable place with a normal staff, you will also know. I would preemptively rate my cult susceptibility a 3 out of 10 - but looking at this temple I'm going to say it's a 2 out of 10 because everyone there is white and I'm put off by overly-enthusiastic white people.

[sky-kiss]

Raphael & Jaheira: You All Meet at an Inn

A/N: I had to get an intro out of the way before proper sassing down the line. And apologies, I'm out of practice with writing.

R & J: Let's be honest, his taste in wine is so much better than hers

Like many of his kind, the devil was a series of contradictions. 

Handsome but not striking. Languid, but only on a cursory inspection. A more pointed observation would showcase the taut muscles in his shoulders and thighs, hinting that the lazy rolling motion of his wrist was intentional rather than instinctual. And, perhaps most importantly, despite the ostentatiousness of his garb, rich blues, reds, and golds, which demanded attention and respect, few of the Last Light’s patrons truly saw him. 

Jaheira did not fault them for the oversight. The High Harper noted it with a world-weary amalgamation of affection and exhaustion. Few prey animals noticed the hunter until it was upon them. Man and beast were not such disparate creatures. 

She shifted, rolling her shoulders to alleviate some residual tension—the aches that never seemed to properly fade these days, which had faded until only a decade prior. She should turn him out. And aye, much like the aches, even a decade ago, she might have done something about his presence—but where was the harm? He stuck to his corner and played his games. 

In the darker stretches of the night, his attention shifted away from the lance-board and his books towards the door. The devil waited. 

Jaheira waited, too.  

The devil lifted his head, eyes flicking from the Mystra piece to the Harper. He made a show of it, eyes widening, lips turning up in a smile—noticing her, seemingly for the first time. She snorted, arching a brow. He shrugged, expression relaxing into something more neutral and more genuine, motioning to the seat across from him. 

“You know, I rather wondered which of us would bring our little dance to its close,” he began, voice warm and rich. His lips twitched, expression colored with so many masterful little notes—presumed intimacy, natural familiarity…they might have been old friends meeting for drinks in any alehouse. Easiness and charm…the domain of all his kind. His eyes glittered in the firelight. 

The half-elf sunk into the chair, holding her arms out wide. “Shall we continue circling each other like coquettish maids?” Jaheira waved him off. “Who has time for it?”

“Certainly not you, High Harper. All this,” he motioned around them, attention flicking to the window and the shadows just beyond. “Resting on your shoulders…such a weighty calling.” 

“You offer to take it from me?” 

“I wouldn’t dream of it. You are so…uniquely equipped for these travails.” 

Jaheira snorted. “Let us call it experience—hard won over many years of life.” She tipped her head to the side, regarding him closely. Without a room of distance between them, she could appreciate the more minor details of this mortal form: wrinkles near the corners of his eyes, hints of sunspots across the back of his hands, and streaks of gray brightening otherwise dark hair. He felt fully manifest in a way so many of his ilk failed to recognize—the little things grounded an illusion in reality. “Come, tell me what to call you. In my head, it is ‘devil this, devil that’...tedious.” 

His eyes widened. “You shall have to forgive this lapse in manners—it’s the setting, you see. One really isn’t at their best.” He mimed a bow, someone still regal despite the confines of the chair. “I am Raphael—very much at your service.” 

“A pleasant name! Well-suited to this pleasant face.”  

Raphael hummed. With a snap of his fingers, the lance-board disappeared. In its place, a bottle of brandy. She did not recognize the label’s language. “A devil in your house, and yet…we are rather blase.” 

“Do not take it personally.” She ghosted her fingers across the table. “Gods of death, demon princes…after these things—” his muscles drew taut, eyes narrowing as she spoke. “ —your feathers are very pretty, but… you make for a much smaller bird.” 

To his credit, Raphael laughed. He poured them each a glass of wine. As if in concession, he took the first sip—no poison. Jaheira bowed her head and followed suit. The wine’s bouquet blossomed across her tongue—rich and deep, a hint of cherry and leather giving way to softer, more subtle notes. It reminded her of Calimshan—pleasant evenings before the true weight of adventuring settled on her shoulder…when she’d been young, Khalid at her side. 

The knowing glint in his eye said he’d anticipated such a reaction. A smaller bird, perhaps, but cunning. I have survived so many years, his gaze said, and I have thrived for good reason. 

“To walk so freely on the Prime is no small thing. And you do not seem the sort to bind yourself to the whims of mortals…” she tapped her chin. “A cambion, then.” 

“Are we to trade parlor tricks, my dear? Shall I ask if your house qualified you as a ‘princess’ or a ‘lady’ in Tethyr?” 

“A lady, though my youngest will argue that point till she is blue in the face.” Jaheira held up her glass in salute. “Do not take offense—it was a compliment, one mongrel to another.” 

Raphael chuckled. “One mongrel to another.” The cambion sighed, relaxing back into his seat. He stroked his chin, fingers teasing across the whisper of stubble—not quite a day’s growth, perhaps a matter of hours. A testament to his dedication and vanity—over the past week, he’d never moved from his seat by the window. “Shall we be honest with each other, ladyship?” 

“It depends. Will honestly not make your skin itch?” 

“You wound me. I am a paragon of virtue to friends and clients both. And the honest truth is I am awaiting a favorite distraction of mine.” He sipped his wine again. “I dare say they might even solve the lion’s share of your problems. Interested?” 

She hummed. Jaheira settled more comfortably in her chair. “Sing me your song, lovely bird. Perhaps…we may yet benefit one another.”

[kisspromptsforthelovesquare]

Kisses under an umbrella

One last kiss before I sacrifice myself/risk it all for you

Jumping on the other kiss

“I thought I’d lost you” kiss

Detransformed but still pre-reveal kiss

Romantic sewer kiss

We just won/lost an akuma battle kiss

“In case we don't make it out of this alive" kiss

“I just found out your identity and I don’t think it’s physically possible to keep my lips off your face now” kiss

Formal kiss

We're platonically cuddling on a chilly patrol night when we're making each other laugh so much we spur-in-the-moment kiss

Sleepy/half-asleep kiss

“I forgot you’re dating my other identity” kiss

Someone’s hanging upside down kiss (aka Spiderman kiss)

Blowing a kiss

“Someone claimed to be dating you and I couldn’t contradict them” jealous kiss

“Your suit’s in the way” kiss

“Your suit’s not in the way anymore!” kiss

Someone just lost their memory kiss

He/she just said yes kiss

"Kiss it better" kiss

Celebratory kiss

Kiss for the camera

Kiss they think is secret but actually lots of people can see, or getting caught kissing

Forehead kiss

"Did you know that kissing is good for hiding in plain sight, because it makes people uncomfortable so they look away?" (aka fake out make out)

I got jealous how you smiled (politely) at that civilian who was obviously (except to you) flirting with you

Kiss on a dare

André got akumatized again and he's leaving couples alone kiss

True love's kiss worked before let's try it again kiss

We need to make our fake dating look convincing kiss

Hello kiss, or goodbye kiss

Distracting your injured partner from pain while you patch them up kiss

She mixed up her words and asked for a kiss by accident but he just went with it kiss

“It’s not fair that you remember kissing me and I don’t” kiss

“I need you to stop punning for like FIVE SECONDS, so I’m going to occupy your mouth in a different way” kiss

The akuma is a huge Ladynoir shipper and it's the only way out kiss

“Sure I’ll help you practice confessing to Buttercup” kiss

“Thanks for saving my life” Ladrien or Marichat kiss

Anywhere but the face kiss: hand kiss, wrist kiss, shoulder kiss

One corner of the square kissing to prove another corner isn’t dating kiss

You were going in for la bise and I read into it kiss

“I’m/You’re using a different miraculous today” kiss

Spin the bottle kiss

“I know I said I wanted to keep our relationship a secret but…” kiss

"What do you mean you're moving away?!" kiss 

Welcome home kiss

"I want my first kiss to be with someone that I love and trust, but it's not that I'm IN love with you or anything hahaha no way" kiss

Kiss you to sleep, or kiss you awake

"Distracting you while you're trying to do something because I want attention" kiss

"Oh no, you made me fall in love with you" realization kiss

"Kissing your forehead/cheek while I thought you were sleeping" kiss (bonus if the 'asleep' person was actually unconscious and the kissing person is all "please come back to me.") 

Kiss during Second Chance

Anniversary kiss

“I thought this was just dancing, so how did we start kissing?” kiss

“We just fought and I’m mad at what you did, but I want you to know I’m not mad at you” kiss

“You fell asleep on public transport and I’m waking you up at our stop” kiss

“It’s been years since we’ve seen each other and I didn’t know what happened to you because of secret identities” kiss

“Reunion” kiss but one of them has the kwagatama ability to talk to the other through reunion and their lips can’t even touch because one is a ghost :(( 

Winning a bet kiss

Drunk kiss

Soft kiss after wrapping them in a blanket

Kiss on an old injury

“Our friends are trying to set us up, haha, let’s humor them” kiss

Sneaking into each other’s room kiss

“I’m pretty sure the grimoire says something about kissing, but I’m not sure exactly what. Want to help me experiment?” kiss

Apology kiss

Kissing while using one of the suit power-ups

“We’re both so busy that we’ve barely seen each other in days, so we should make the most of it” kiss

Kissing under the mistletoe

Kissing in a car

Identity reveal kiss

“Let’s recreate our first/favorite kiss”

Kissing backstage after a fashion show

“We should be focusing on this battle but, wow, you are extra distracting today” kiss

First kiss, or last kiss

“I know it’s the worst possible time for a kiss but…”

Failed kiss or interrupted kiss

Kiss as a confession/to show you how I really feel

Post-reveal pre-relationship kiss

Kisses that tickle

“We found our way back to each other” kiss

Soulmate kiss

Everyday domestic bliss kiss 

A kiss to comfort

“Why exactly are you kissing me?”

“Oh yeah? What are you willing to do to get a kiss from me? 😏” kiss

Accidental lip contact during la bise

Kissing in a disco

"What's the difference between le bisou and la bise? Hmm, let me show you..." 

“Maybe this will jog your memory” kiss

“I was going for the cheek/forehead and I missed 😳” kiss

Sealing a pinky swear with a kiss

"Will you marry me?" kiss

"I just love you so much, I can't help it" kiss

Fake dating kiss

A safe for work “not safe for work” kiss (like they’re standing on a forklift or something - what were YOU thinking?)

Interrupted by kids. Or a hamster. Or a kwami. 

 "Miracle cure brought you back" kiss

“Here’s your present” kiss

A kiss that promises forever

---

More info below:

I hope you wanted a long list of kiss prompts for the Love Square this Valentine's Day! What better way to celebrate a day of love than with our favorite lovesick dorks. 🥰

Use this list however you want. As an ask game, a challenge to draw or write every one, or just pick your favorites!

(For more fun, here's a random number spinner that you can set to any number you want.)

Feel free to use any version of them you want, too. Multimouse, Cat Walker, Dragon Bug, Chat Blanc, or stick to the original four-cornered square, if that's your thing!

Tag @kisspromptsforthelovesquare and we'll reblog. Marinette and Adrien's love for each other is forever. Just like the offer of reblogging. There's no time limit.

There's also a collection on AO3. Feel free to post there instead/as well.

Have fun everyone! Go and make them smooch!

Thank you to the wonderful @ladyofthenoodle for the header, and for our Discord group with their kiss suggestions.

[agentearthling]

absolutely nobody asked for this but I really wanted to share my thoughts on Ethel Cain's new album Perverts. it hasn't been out for long but this album already means so much to me and I haven't felt this seen in such a long time. it took a while to articulate why but I've figured out how each song speaks to me. I know this album is about Hayden's thoughts on the concept of "The Ring, The Great Dark, and Proximity to God" but this is just my own personal interpretation and relation to the tracks!

01: Perverts

this started the album out really strong (and dark) with a distorted rendition of the classic hymn "Nearer, my God, to Thee" which was one of my personal favorites that I heard and sang all the time growing up. this was followed up with one of the most unsettling things I've heard in my life - the constant buzzing and droning that continuously gets more persistent as a muffled voice repeats "heaven has forsaken the masturbator" that had my religiously traumatized self sitting on the edge of my seat. This song - including the lines "no one you know is a good person" up to the end line "it's happening to everybody" captures terrified and guilty eleven-year-old little me so well that I genuinely have not been able to listen to the song in its entirety a second time. it perfectly emulates the feeling I had when I knew without a doubt that my every move was being watched and judged by a divine entity. absolutely terrifying. masterfully well done.

02: Punish

the lead single! I do know what the song is literally actually about - and I can promise you I don't relate to pedophilia - but when I hear it I can't help but relate it to my personal experience of growing up queer and religious. "I am punished by love" is such a powerful line that I thought (although probably worded less poetically) often as a teenager and even now in my early adult years. any affection I felt - whether it was purposeful or not - was wrong and I was desperate to find a way to remove it from me through any means possible. even the line "only God would believe that I was an angel, but they made me leave" representing how I felt forced to leave the church... ugh. a little too on the nose. I love this song

03: Housofpsychoticwomn:

I'm not entirely sure how to put the way this song makes me feel into words. as the song literally says, "maybe it's not meant to be explained. maybe it's not meant to be marked down in words." this one is really personal to me. I guess instead of going into detail about what I call the "empathy epidemic" or abusive "love," I'll just say that love is something that we all crave but sometimes when it comes, it turns out to be the most terrifying and harmful thing of all.

04: Vacillator

everything about this track just blows me away. the lethargic instrumentals, Ethel's beautiful voice, the lyrics...wow. because I find Housofpsychoticwomn relatable, I definitely find this song relatable as well. the indecisiveness and hesitancy to enter any kind of relationship (romantic or platonic or otherwise), being willing to give away everything you have except for what others actually want, the contradiction of "close the door, let me in," and, of course, the famous "if you love me, keep it to yourself." is there a greater fear than the fear of letting yourself be known and being rejected anyway?

05: Onanist

this song is about masturbating. without a doubt. I know I've already talked about religion when I was discussing the other songs, but I love the way this song portrays the self titled onanist as someone who desperately wants to know God and be close to Him, but ends up giving up. Too much is being asked of them and they give in to their "worldly desires." the song sounds AMAZING also.

06: Pulldrone

the first half of this fifteen minute long track are spoken word, listing the "12 Pillars of Simulacrum," which are described as the different ways that humans try to reach God. the second half is a constant buzzing, droning instrumental (Pulldrone.) Each pillar - apathy, disruption, curiosity, assimilation, aggrandization, delineation, perversion, resentment, separation, degradation, annihilation, and desolation - seem to have unpleasant consequences. it's a reminder that no matter how hard you try, you will never be good enough to reach your goal. (But that's just how I interpreted it)

07: Etienne

almost completely instrumental, this song features melancholy piano and guitar, with an ever present static in the background. near the end, there is a spoken outro taken from a sermon tape. it tells the story of a suicidal man who tried to end his life by running continuously night after night in the hopes that he would have a heart attack. despite his best attempts, he did not perish, but after a week "he felt so good that he didn't want to kill himself anymore." as someone who has had a couple near death experiences, this song and it's outro spoke to me. I often mistake myself as an invincible person who is seemingly incapable of dying, and I tend to view it as a guarantee (or a curse, depending on how things are going) it's a sad story, but it's also quite hopeful.

08: Thatorchia

forgive me if I'm mistaken, but I think this song is about death and ascendance. it's also completely instrumental (excluding some humming), similar to August Underground and Televangelism from Ethel Cain's album Preacher's Daughter. this track is INCREDIBLY haunting and although I haven't died yet, listening to this makes me feel like this is exactly what I'll be hearing when I inevitably do. and I don't think that would be too bad.

09: Amber Waves

I know this song was available for a while on SoundCloud before this album came out, but it's still got to be my current favorite song off Perverts. I love the way the lyrics and message are melancholy - using an unhealthy coping mechanism to try and distract yourself from your failure and inadequacy - but it still sounds so comforting and hopeful. this perfectly captures how it feels to find solace and familiarity in something that is ultimately harmful for you. the lyrics, the beautiful instrumental, and even the spoken closing line "I can't feel anything" really encapsulate the inability to break out of a masochistic cycle when it's all you've known and therefore familiar and comforting to you. I fucking love this song. this entire album is a masterpiece.

[yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt]

I am Never Not Thinking about Comic Ambrosius y'all

This mf was clearly so obsessed with Ballister, constantly showing up to "thwart" his plans without ever seeming to take it seriously, seemingly just as an excuse to be around him. He acts like a bratty thirteen-year-old with a crush who never got taught to express it properly.

He seems to live in his own little world, where he and Ballister have this silly little Nemesis relationship that's just a part of a game instead of the deeply fractured and tragic thing that it was. Presumably because it's easier to deal with than the guilt.

In the prison scene, he seems to completely ignore when Ballister basically tells him to shut the fuck up, continuing to reminisce fondly as though they're still friends. I really feel like he lives in his own little reality half the time. Living in a little world where they're playing a game of cops and robbers and they're still close deep down, even if he isn't doing it consciously, is a lot easier than acknowledging his guilt and the pain he caused someone he loved.

I think this is the reason he didn't apologize for so long, and also the reason his memory is so shit even before the head injuries. He legitimately cannot remember exactly what happened at the joust. He wanted so hard to believe it was an accident, to live in a world where it was an accident, that his brain created a false reality and erased the parts of his own memories that contradicted that. He didn't even realize that he hadn't apologized. He is horrified to receive that information. His brain constructed a reality where they had already made up, even though he knew they hadn't. His memories got so jumbled between his imagined and true experiences that he just assumed he must have already apologized, because he was sorry, why wouldn't he have?

I'm not trying to say that he was struggling with psychosis, he knew what was and wasn't real. But his brain dealt with guilt and trauma in very disorienting ways, choosing to ignore or erase truths that hurt him.

I can't imagine what their healing journey must have been like. Imagine trying to un-fuck the thing you fucked up the most in your entire life while also learning how to exist without the ability to walk unassisted, and possibly also recovering from brain damage, dysmorphia from your face getting shredded, and a myriad of other injuries. I cannot imagine the self-worth of someone who is being cared for by the person they love the most, who they irreparably hurt, while also feeling like a burden because they are newly disabled and can't yet take care of themselves.

Also it makes me sad when people talk like Blackheart would hate/be cruel to him post-comic like he wasn't willing to die/kill his friend to save him. He'd give him a ton of shit all the time probably but he'd also protect him like a wolfhound change my mind okay I'm done thanks for coming to my Ted talk

[aotopmha]

What are your thoughts on the whole Mikasa's new family thing? As a normal person with some romantic experience, I think it makes sense for her to have a family and not be stuck single on a dead guy for life. As an AoT fan who can basically not separate her from her 'Eren' rhetoric, it feels like a twist... or dare I say, betrayal? I wish we had a bit more padding to the ending, because it seems these things were wrapped up very quickly, and besides the literal deaths, I feel like my girl Historia and Levi got such bitter endings...

This is quite a few questions so I'm answering them in a list:

1) I really like Mikasa moving on because from the framing of her final moments in the story and the passing time in the extra pages and credits, I feel like she had a mourning period and then was able to move on and start a new family, something she always wanted. And I think earning that ending is at least some (and an appropriate one) reward after what she went through.

2) She has always loved Eren, but she has also punched him in the face when she thought he was doing stupid shit and being hot-headed. She threw him in chapter 1, punched him in the face in episode 2, is perfectly capable of making her own decisions without him, which was the point of the first half of episode 6. As much as she loves him, her attachment has actually comparatively little to do with him and everything to do with the death of her parent(s) figure(s) twice in a row in the span of a year when she was a child.

(Episode 6 in the anime, chapter 5 in the manga.)

Her attachment to Eren has caused a bunch of issues and is her biggest "flaw", but she has never been a *doormat*, which is what so many people read her as and I disagree with.

The decision to kill Eren was made by her when she saw families and children suffer because of him, something she can deeply relate to and works to prevent.

(Chapter 48)

Mikasa isn't a crying damsel, she's a warrior who went through some pretty tough shit and is reacting accordingly.

She will fight when she needs to fight and do the right thing when she needs to do the right thing.

3) Pacing was actually probably the biggest issue I personally had with the manga's ending, but the anime pretty much fixed all of it in my eyes. Mikasa's feelings for Eren, though, and vice versa was one of the most obvious things about the entire story from start to finish, so you've got a disagreement there as well. From the moment you see the subtle blush from Eren in the flashback, the trope became really clear to me and nothing onward from there really convinced me otherwise because Eren never had any other relationship like that in the story, no other love interest characters or characters framed in relation to his character in the same way.

4) Likewise, I think Levi probably had the best ending out of every single character in the story. As much of a pyrrhic victory as defeating Eren was, he got his revenge and kept his life. He got the most strongly defined closure he could get in context of the story.

5) What I agree with you on is how Historia was treated, though I'm not sure if for the same reasons or in the same way. The final arc basically destroyed her character and the anime equally did not even mention or even have a nod towards any of her defining moments as a character or her important relationships (because I suspect Isayama just could not figure out how to write her in this context in any other way).

In my eyes, she went through one of the best, most strongly defined character arcs in the entire story, but all we got from it was a metaphor for the birth of a new world... through a clearly gay-coded character. It's pretty awful and contradicts the theme of freedom her character is about and embodies by the end of the Uprising arc AND the general ideas of freedom the story is about, but I choose to put it in its own awful box and reluctantly close my eyes to it.

I think her arc was about her finding out what she wants and no longer living in a role and I think the entirety of the final arc went against that.

I've gone into why Historia's arc is awful in many other asks and posts, so I don't feel like reiterating it all right now (I have a tag for her character and pretty much all characters, so if anyone is interested, you'll probably find my detailed thoughts looking around there, but, yeah I think it's pretty awful even if you don't see her as gay-coded.)

Thank you for the ask!

[sludgefriend]

I have spent a grand majority of my life experimenting with myself. Here is a list of everything that has ever worked. This is the ultimate taking-stock.

-Always find reasons to laugh at and take joy in your own failures.

-Try to always treat failure as a learning experience. Endeavor to fail differently each time.

-Nothing is ever that serious. Take life in stride. You can always come back from loss of any kind.

-Attempting to be perfect is a worthless endeavor. Nobody likes a perfect person. Trying to be a perfect person is a miserable experience.

-Know things. Know what restaurants are good. Know what’s good on their menu. Know where events happen, and when. Know people.

-Know what you like, and try to know why.

-Find something to be curious about in every single human being. Everyone has some mystery and intrigue if you look closely and patiently enough. Engage with people that you think are boring. Engage with people that you think are annoying. Engage with people that you don’t think you like. Engage with people that you hate. If you can, try to find something to love about every person that you meet.

-People are simultaneously and constantly extremely simple creatures and infinitely complicated ones. If at any moment, you find yourself believing one of these things and not the other about any given person or group, you have fucked up immensely, somewhere.

-Do your best to live up to your word. If not for the sake of others, for the sake of yourself. You are only as reliable as the promises that you don’t keep. To others, and yourself.

-Try to always make a decision when given the option. Even when you truly do not care. Making decisions will help you to gain a better understanding of yourself, and will grant you agency. Consistently outsourcing decision-making to others will rob you of these aspects, and can become a selfish act if done too often.

-Be selfless, but don’t be an angel. Be selfish, but don’t be a devil.

-You’d be surprised at what people will give you if you’d only just ask. Fuck around. Ask people for things you don’t feel like you deserve.

-95% of the time, fear, anxiety, and all other emotions in their family are completely worthless. They will invariably gate you from some of the best things in life and rob you of joy. They are ancient emotions that (usually) fail to apply themselves properly to a modern world.

-Anger can be a valuable emotion, if employed properly and in moderation.

-Love is the only virtue. Indifference is the only sin.

-Symbolism is the most powerful tool in your arsenal, in any given situation. Employ it at every given opportunity.

-Contradiction is also very powerful. I won’t elaborate any further on this.

-People crave genuineness. Especially now. Speak what’s on your mind, as honestly as possible, as often as is appropriate.

-Don’t be afraid to wait and think before responding. A genuine response to conversation will always, always be better than half-hearted and immediate compliance.

-Don’t spend the time during which someone is talking trying to figure out what you’ll say next. Let it happen naturally. Pay attention to what they’re saying.

Continued…

[misscammiedawn]

I want to talk a little about Suicidality. More importantly, how to talk to those experiencing it.

This is a heavy topic, though. It's under a readmore.

Massive content warning for suicide discussion.

I am of the firm belief that we need to talk about this. Not talk around it or signal how bad it is as this will not enable people the space to discuss without judgment. It's a tough topic. I think about it ALL THE TIME and never talk about it. It just keeps the thoughts in my head. I want to speak. I don't need to be heard. I just want to speak.

When I get really bad and start relapsing I spiral hard. Sometimes that spiral will push me away from loved ones, sometimes it'll trigger a bout of picking at emotional wounds that have scabbed over but more often than not I seek sources of comfort that do not require other humans.

Sometimes I talk to therapy chatbots so I can spew my emotions out at someone who will not be burdened or remember it-- this is for when I know it's a temporary storm and I need present relief without permanent consequence.

Sometimes I look online for messages that can ground me. Those "reasons not to die" inspirational videos and I typically close them the moment they make broad and reaching assumptions.

"You're loved"

"You have so much to offer"

"You're important"

Because they do so much harm to me. I don't know if they do good things for other people but I am fully cognizant of the fact that these people are shooting empty platitudes into the air. Which means when people who do know me say these things, I cannot fully trust that they are not just saying the words that society have conditioned them to say to people in pain.

When someone says these lines are they offering perspective that my mentally ill irrationality has left me blind to or is it telling me what they think I want to hear?

Every time a perfect stranger who has never known my life or my heart tells me these things it makes those words and sentiments weaker.

I can't speak to any experience other than my own. But I am a contradiction. I've passively desired death continually since I was a teenager. I have lived more years with the desire to end myself than I have with the desire to live. Over half my life since a turning point that opened a door in me that can never be closed.

I'm not going anywhere. The Event also instilled in me a lifelong commitment that I will never do to others what was done to me. I refuse.

But it gives me a perspective that makes the struggle all the more painful to me.

I desire and detest the final exit.

So the guilt trip doesn't work either. I know how it makes people feel. I've lived that. The thought of doing it to another person makes me... feel like shit. Which just feeds that evil dragon that whispers dark secrets in my ear. The more I am guilted, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the weaker my resolve becomes.

So if you cannot positively or negatively influence a person with the potential of regrets and appeals to emotion. What can you do?

The obvious answer is listen.

That does help.

But I'd be a hypocrite if I took my worst impulse and fed it into a ELIZA chatbot and preached for other people to listen. Clearly I am denying those in my life the opportunity to do that for me, half because I know the pain of hearing someone talk about those topics and half because, as mentioned, I do not wish for permanent consequences to temporary emotions.

The other step is that I am desperate for someone to condone it.

If I could go back and have an honest to god conversation about things, with the people who instilled this hatred of suicide into me. I don't think I'd try to change things. I'd just want to hear why, understand it and say "I really wish you wouldn't, but I understand why you want to."

PhilosophyTube's episode on the topic has been sitting rent free in my head for years.

It's the simplist and most powerful phrase in the english language, I think: “I understand how you feel.” I've been up there. I've flown that mission. I fly it a hell of a lot. And you're not necessarily bad or broken inside just because they're sending you up. So you fly safe, Cosmonauts. - Abigail Thorn

I don't want to kill myself. I don't want anyone to kill themselves. But all of the talk, all of the activism, all of the push for suicide prevention. It focuses on stopping a person with a desperate desire to escape their circumstances, their pain, their existence and it asks them to not act on those desires.

There's no version of events where the desire itself is treated. Even when a person has no drive to follow-through, the desire doesn't truly go away. Decades of therapy, better life conditions and reasons to live haven't made it go away for me.

At my worst, I research it. Run the numbers. Live the fantasy. The information I got from ethical exit resources lives with me. I know exactly what to do, what to buy from Wal-Mart. On one hand I feel empowered by the fact that I have control in that I can do it and I choose not to. Some days that gives me comfort. Other days I curse 2020 Camden for researching that forbidden knowledge and burdening us with it here in the present.

A hard thing I had to do recently in trauma therapy was write down the full list of actions I'd take and send it to people I love so they could recognize the steps if I started to take them. That flooded us with shame. Also inspired some of the need to talk about it.

But still, I don't really regret poisoning myself with the knowledge of how to do it, even if it most certainly is a detriment to me.

Because "I understand" is just a sentence. "I've been there" is just a sentiment.

What gets me through. What helps me survive?

It's feeling like I have a choice and that when I'm hurting and desiring to scratch that itch, I can ask myself "do you want to go to Wal-Mart?" knowing full well I'll get that sharp and angry "NO!" in reply.

Because there's something else I learned in that "forbidden research".

One of the doctors who was involved in activism for Canada's MAiD laws (and was imprisoned for helping people attain The Final Exit) was on a podcast talking about their view on euthanasia and when they feel it is inhumane to let someone live. They spoke about the cruelty of keeping someone in suffering tethered to life for the comfort of the surviving family and noted that guilt was not a good motivator and would only cause further knee-jerk reactions and defensive behaviors.

So he told a good story about someone who he helped.

"Can you imagine having one more happy memory?"

The person at the end of their life spoke about the pain they were in, the way their mind was giving in on them, the sad faces surrounding them all of the time and the fact that all the memories of vibrance and life were being replaced by this slow downward spiral as the months dragged on. There were joys of seeing loved ones and there were comforts and conversations and then... dying became routine. Expected and inevitable and there were no more fresh and beautiful experiences to be found in the process of dying. Only pain.

When the patient knew without a doubt that they would never have another happy memory to enjoy before the end they said they were ready to go and no one around them could argue.

It was a bittersweet story but it stuck with me.

2001 was the first time we acted self-destructively. We have had spirals, even since hearing that story in 2020 (one even started us writing this post), but I considered hearing it while on the edge of the knife to be the moment I reaffirmed the knowledge I'd never do the deed.

2001-2020 our motivation was in pain. In knowing what it's like to get that call from the hospital. To have to be buzzed in to the mental ward to visit the shame-filled loved one who needs all of your love and understanding and you silently ask yourself "is it selfish for me to feel hurt? Who will even comfort me in this time?" to take responsibility and be strong when everything is falling apart...

I can't. I won't. Never. Never EVER.

That kept us safe for a long time. But it made the storms so hard to weather and it made that thought at the back of our head insist "we'll do it eventually"

In 2020, when we knew we were an hour's shopping trip away from the edge, that story gave us something to dream. "Hey, idiot, we're working so hard to transition. Why would we give up now?" and, yes, the process of transitioning damned near killed us... but it wouldn't always be hating ourselves and feeling like the journey was impossible. We could climb Mount Celeste. Just give it a year. A month. Another day.

Can you still imagine us happy?

If you can, then live another day. Just carry on. As long as you can imagine a world where you have one more happy memory it's worth the pain of today.

I don't know if this will strike everyone the same way it did me. But it helped. So much. In a world where all the creature comforts like concerts and cinemas were stripped and we spent weeks and weeks alone indoors going quietly crazy and growing terrified of a hostile world that was about to see an attempted insurrection in the near future, it was so easy to be consumed by darkness and give in completely...

And I think we've done okay. Fine enough. I doubt life will ever live up to what was hoped or imagined. Things will always be a struggle. Things will always be tense and hard. But there will always be moments. New happy memories. I owe the me of yesterday the smiles of today and I owe the me of tomorrow the ability to experience those smiles.

I don't need to be told I am loved, I am valuable, I am all the things that my illness refuses to let me believe.

I just need to know that I have experienced happiness in the past and it's not impossible for me to experience it again.

That'll keep me going.

[rulerzreachf4n7]

I'm trying to say this in THE NICEST WAY possible, toxic shippers have the stupidest reasons for not shipping Huntlow

Heya! Now before I go into this please know I AM NOT a toxic/force shipper, I am not forcing you to ship Huntlow, simply just telling you why your reasons don't make sense and contradict to the canon versions of the characters of the show, and with that let's go

Reason 1: it's not possible for Hunter to trust Willow after Below possed him and in general

Oh. My. Fucking. Titan...Im just going to automatically assume you've never watched Any Sports In The Storm, that one part in Reaching out, Labyrinth Runners, Clouds On The Horizon, Kings Tide or the entirety of s3, I'M LITERALLY TRYING TO BE NICE BUT YOU ARE ACTUALLY FUCKING STUPID, Hunter trusts AND CARES Willow by first, in reaching out, giving her his penstegram account to chat, saving her from getting hurt in clouds on the horizon, yes, it's wasn't actually Luz, it was an illusion, and in the same episode Willow tried to save Hunter (or so she thought it does matter if it's actually Luz it just proves she cares about Hunter) and when Luz got captured by Kiki she was very anxious and hurrying everyone to get to Kiki to save Luz, yet again, don't come at me with just because it was illusion doesn't mean she dosent care about Hunter, she thought it was him, she cares about him a lot cause she was in a hurry to save him (or so she though it was him)! Hunter was comfortable and trusted her to cut his hair in thanks to them, in the same episode he wasn't uncomfortable with Willow holding him after the possession, in for the future HE LITERALLY SAYS HE CARES ABOUT WILLOW, NOT JUST GUS, WILLOW TOO, he comforted her after her breakdown and saved her and Gus, Willow trusts and cares about Hunter in ending of for the future by holding his hand (pinky promis?? Idk what to call it lol) and literally said "Thanks Hunter, you mean a lot to me to" which Hunter replied "yeah...sure, no problem"

Reason 2: they head canon either Hunter, Willow, or both of them as aroace, asexual, or on the spectrum

Oh. My. Titan, did you like know aroace/asexual people can like STILL DATE??? you completely misunderstand the meaning, just because they don't experience ALL ATTRACTION dosent mean THEY WON'T EXPERIENCE ANY, you know what "little to none attraction" means, it fucking means someone who has a bit, A BIT, NOT ZERO, THERE'S STILL A PIECE OF ATTRACTION THEY CAN HAVE FOR SOMEONE, I'm literally trying not to be as toxic as possible but people have the most fucking stupidest reasons

Reason 3: you ship Lunter/huntric/huntmira/boschlow/ect

Well that's fine, but those ships don't make sense in my eyes but I won't write an entire paragraph on why it doesn't make sense (I'm doing it after this post lol 💀💀) and also boschlow is literally toxic pookie it's not the enemies to lovers you want Boscha literally bullied her, if you think that's chemistry you're fucking stupid and never seen the entirety of s1

And hehe silly reason I'd like to add!!

Reason 4: they're bland, don't go well together, rushed, and have no chemistry

Oh my fucking Titan, OMG y'all! Did you know you could uncancel you're own show?! NO YOU CAN'T DUMB FUCK, it was rushed because it WAS FUCKING CANCELLED, SORRY POOKIE DANA CAN'T DO NO SHIT ABOUT IT, it's not like you can get rid of all the episodes and make it hunlow themed, sorry, we can't get all the things we want in life, and by saying that it wouldn't work by the first impression in ASIAS is stupid, sure Willow made a bad first impression but Hunter seemed mildly phased by this other than just being a bit spooked out and startled, and NO, HE DIDN'T JUST DEVELOP A CRUSH ON HER ON SPOT, sure, he could think Willows pretty, but that doesn't mean HE HAS A FUCKING CRUSH ON HER, and people saying that it's not a "half a with Hunter" because Hunters a grimwalker dosent make any sense, may I remind you this was made before hollow mind, he's still convinced he's a powerless witch by Belos lying about it to him, he thinks he's a half a witch while yes looking like a witch on the outside despite having no bile sack, and he doesn't seem to think as himself as weak like Willow does on the other hand, eh, I wouldn't mind if they took out the half a witch, and btw it's not supposed to be a romantical aspect it's supposed to be a similarity, people have also said she's only there to comfort him, even though that's apart of Willows personality, SHE'S THE RELIABLE ONE, LITERALLY SAYING IT IN FTF, she's supposed to comfort people, supposed to be the person everyone rely on, but thats not just her whole personality, based around her reliability, she's so much more than it! People say they think they're both better off as friends in their opinion, it's totally fine! I don't give a shit really, but if you're going to state a reason why you dont think a ship is realistic, then at least watch all the episodes they're in and use some common sense at least! It's the bare minimum!

And that's all!!! I hope you understand and if I made any incorrections please let me know!! I really hate toxic Lunter and huntric shippers, or shippers in general, they just make up excuses instead of saying that huntlow isn't their type of ship or they ship something else, but if you're a multishipper you're totally cool! (Even considered being a multishipper hehe)

[shadowshrike]

Dark Side of the Spawn

So I decided to scrap a much larger analysis post because I think there are only a couple other people interested in how Astarion can be interpreted as an evil character with some redeeming qualities, regardless of his major choice regarding ascension. There's a lot of interesting stuff buried in various corners of mutually exclusive dialogs or missable scenes that can make for a unique experience which I don't think many have explored.

However, I can't resist sharing one line you might get in his epilogue during the Spawn ending for those who like the ending but also prefer a darker Astarion.

Astarion: Oh no, people can be quite meek after seeing you murder their former master. Astarion: And if they do step out of line, it just takes one or two brutal examples to remind everyone else of their place. Astarion: I'm not a tyrant, I do care for their well-being, I just can't afford to show weakness.

There are three things I find really fascinating about this:

It's a line that would sound completely at home with a villain like Gortash. Pretty much any powerful, evil noble who is tyrannical but willing to justify their behavior as 'for the good of their people'. Astarion also says that their ruins are 'no palace, but maybe someday it will be' which, combined with this, can sound ominously like he's fashioning himself as a new sort of dictator of orphaned vampire spawn.

It shows him as a man who, when given any power, will abuse it, regardless of ascension. He might genuinely not recognize that's what he's doing when he's making 'one or two brutal examples to remind everyone else of their place' because his life for the past 200 years has been following a master who only modeled similarly cruel discipline. He's had no time to personally grow or discover himself before being thrust into leadership (ironically, kind of like Halsin, and we know how that went). Keeping monsters in line requires being a monster, and Astarion isn't afraid to do that. Leading through fear, pain, and feigned strength is all he knows.

Spawn Astarion does much more rationalization and talking around his questionable behaviors than his ascended version. Lord Astarion is unmistakably evil, yet nothing he says about his plans sounds half so foreboding to me, perhaps because he's so unapologetic about his 'hedonism, clandestine deals, and the occasional disappearance' to 'build up my influence over those who matter'. The spawn version needs to hedge that he's not actually a tyrant because he 'care[s] for their well-being' (something heard from many a horrific authority figure), that anyone being eaten by a vampire is 'on them' because the spawn only eat people who attack them (directly contradicted by his idle dialogue 'If I get back and they've killed another gnome, I swear - someone's getting impaled.') or that he only murders the 'right people' which means no one cares in the Underdark (which given the warring drow clans and overwhelmingly evil races down there, doesn't exactly inspire confidence).

Note that this dialogue does not appear in every version of the epilogue and includes a lot of inferences, so this isn't me saying, "Spawn Astarion is definitely this way" or anything like that. Enjoy your soft, sweet, happy endings with this character. It's undoubtedly the intended reading of most of his possible epilogue lines.

I just think it's neat that they left in some tidbits for those of us who prefer him as a fundamentally evil-aligned character. Terrible people can be victims, too, after all. I like having the option of telling a story that says someone doesn't have to become 'good' to be worthy of helping within the bounds of 'goodness'. Also that taking someone who's been enslaved and tortured for 200 years and then making them responsible for 7000 people the second they get free, while also losing a handful of other freedoms, might have some unfortunate consequences.