#and most days I'm fine with that. I can find some silly interest to lose myself in and not think about it. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

amymbona · 2 months ago

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hi, i.. think i already sent you two asks. this ideas are weak, i guess. or rather, second one is okay, but it just needs some correction!! maybe you'll scroll through and find it from 🩷🤍

just now thought about a relationship with the professor! patrick. this's probably not just fluff, but also angst!!

i absolutely cannot imagine Patrick as a professor of mathematics or physics, although it seems to me that this would give him a certain charm. professor of literature, law, biology (always talks about the processes occurring in nature, we walk through the zoo and he tells me interesting facts about animals. all i can do is nod and smile for him) or in general, the most canonical is p.e teacher.. a new teacher comes to your university, he's so cute, so fit, and all the girls on your campus are talking about him on your campus. it becomes almost annoying when they know who patrick zweig is and his past. they set his photos as their phone wallpaper when he was younger and write 'patrick's fan' in their status on social networks, omg how sweetly sickening they are 🙄 you have thought about what they saw in him or.. are they really just going by his cute appearance?

one sunny day, most of the people skip class, bc p.e is last on the schedule, so you and a couple of nerds who need A for the semester are left with him. but he wasn't upset in principle (really?), so he let everyone go, but something makes you stay, support him, although he seemed to say that everything is fine. you chat, and then maybe he invites you for a cup of coffee, and he really seems nice to you? no, no, you can't fall in love with him like other girls

so you develop some relationship, although what a relationship, more like an affair. he constantly says that this is an open relationship, and no one should know that you are together.

but when you say you'll leave him, he promises to confess to everyone, to the whole world, that you're his, and like a fool you believe, you believe that it will be so. you sleep with him, you eat with him, you laugh with him, but you're nothing more than a affair.

then you will break up, but what can their meeting bring after years? 🤭

TOO MUCH BUT N YOU. SORRY I'M TOO SILLY PATRICK'S GIRLIE AND I LOVE WRITING A LOT, EVEN IF IT'S COMPLETE NONSENSE 🤩🤩

🐦‍⬛ raven.

Professor Patrick is very important to me, mainly because I believe Patrick is one of those characters, who shines in high tension scenarios. He doesn't do casual, he doesn't work in something simple and imagining him as someone who's balancing on the line between morally right and wrong feels so so so true. And I think that this particular scenario screams angst. Spectacular, give me fourteen of those.

It starts pretty innocently - if you can really call a friendship between a teacher and a student innocent at all - but he likes you for two reasons; you're smart and you don't drool over him like the other girls. And this is exactly what makes your relationship develop. A mix of mutual respect and deep understanding, but also the excitement from doing something you probably shouldn't and Patrick's deep desire to be the dominant one.

It's a night here and there at his place, a free class spent in the warmth of his office, and his suit jacket over your shoulders when he offers to take you home. It seems almost too good to be true, but there are also things you barely discuss. You two don't get into arguments often, but when you do, it's far from tranquil.

Patrick is unfortunately way too consumed by his position of power, constantly staggering between that "it's an open relationship" bullshit and threatening to expose you for... wrapping him around your finger? He's afraid; for his career and place in the society. But he's also afraid that he might lose you, and he doesn't want that. And considering that it's Patrick Zweig we're talking about, he doesn't know how to communicate his feeling without getting (un)intentionally manipulative and gaslighting you into staying with him.

If he could, Patrick would probably tie you up in his bedroom and forbid you from leaving because you're his and he doesn't want you anywhere else. But since he can't, he's reduced to simply blackmailing you and then buying you flowers as an apology. And you... Do you love him? You think so.

He is the type of man that you've always longed for, as wrong as it may sound, but he's not too far from a modern version of problematic gothic antagonists. Tall and handsome, unrealistically clever, dominant and all that shouldn't be messed with. Exactly the thing that pulls you in.

Sometimes, you question whether to give him a taste of his own medicine. It wouldn't be too difficult to deem him a manipulative asshole who jumped on you every time you wore a short skirt. When you present this idea to him - during one of your arguments - some plates fly across the room and shatter behind your back, you two are at each other's throats but then get lost in the sugar costed toxicity that blends between you two, and all attempts to reason with each other are long forgotten.

You go to your next lecture with a silk scarf wrapped around your neck because nobody should be allowed to see your hickeys, and Patrick knows he shouldn't opt for a short sleeve when all that decorates his arms are the scratch marks your nails left there. And it's back to the usual again, he drives you home, slips his tongue down your throat as a goodbye and offers to pick you up tomorrow morning.

#🐦‍⬛ anon #patrick zweig #patrick zweig x reader #patrick zweig angst #ask

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rottenbrainstuff · 2 months ago

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Don't you guys love it when I unearth the most random unrelated niche bullshit and then ramble about it incoherently for you all to read?

The latest thing giving me the dopamine hit atm is a silly otome game called Love & Deepspace, details of which mercifully hidden for you below the cut:

A friend of a friend recommended this game to me and it's turning out to be surprisingly fun. I'm impressed by how little content is paywalled or monetized. Like, I wouldn't mind dropping a little money on the game cause I'm enjoying it, and I HAVE spent a couple bucks here and there on items, but it doesn't really give you a huge advantage in the long term over someone who is playing it for free and that’s kind of surprising. (My god though this game is fucking chonky. If it keeps needing to download stuff I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to play….)

Unlike some other otome games where you have very clear relationship paths with the focus on one single person, here you develop relationships with everyone sort of all at once. I know some people like that, but I personally don't prefer it - it seems even in video games I am too monogamous to have multiple boyfriends at once. I started out focusing on Zayne, cause the older and more serious kuudere character is the one I tend to like in the silly games like this, but then Sylus popped up and now I have abandoned Zayne, I'm so sorry babe, it’s not you, it’s me.

Sylus is very much giving me vibes that the devs all had a design meeting and said "oh the girlies really fucking like Astarion from BG3 right now, why don't we make a copy of that, we could make him the tsundere criminal antagonist character or something?" One of the audio stories has the MC teasing him about looking/acting like a vampire and that's so funny, the devs absolutely knew what they were doing. Hilariously, one of the Sylus-specific custom titles you can win is a nickname I used to have back in the dinosaur days when I was in college, and I find that endlessly amusing. I like how he complains you're in the way if you get too close to enemies in combat - I will choose to interpret this as protectiveness, and it suits me just fine anyways cause I can't fucking dodge properly, and prefer to shoot shit from a distance.

Sorrrrry but I find the english audio way too cringe (particularly Sylus' VA?... sorry) so I have been playing it with the japanese audio. (because I understand a little japanese, and perhaps because I want to shame myself for not practicing at all in the last couple years) I'm sure the japanese audio is no less cringey to native japanese speakers, but the point is that *I* cannot tell. And you see, it increases my vocabulary of useless words I will never need to use - for instance this week I learned the word for "gun". I also like to note the translation choices where the audio and the subtitles don't match up, I find it interesting, like little easter eggs. In this case my understanding is the game was released in Chinese first, so instead of comparing a translation to an original, I am comparing one translation to another translation, but I still find it amusing. (Pie the fox is called “six dumplings” in Japanese)

I enjoy the little details... Sylus is very good at the card game and I can almost never win, Zayne is ridiculously easy to bully into swapping cards and I almost never lose. Sylus sucks at the crane game to the point where it's ridiculous (or maybe I just have bad luck???) but Zayne cheats and uses ice and wins a lot - myeh I dunno. It's cute, I'm easy to please, it's making my brain happy.

The fine details of the story are a bit incomprehensible and the interface takes a little getting used to. I do appreciate all the moving parts here, the story and the collectible content and the combat and everything, but it's a little bit humorous how all the bits don't overlap tidily, for instance I am getting event-related texts that are giving away spoilers for things I haven't learned in the main story yet. And Sylus' separate chapters popped up I think after I finished the ... second main story chapter? And it begins with mentions of a serious disaster that happens in the main story that I hadn't read about yet. It's funny though, just funny. I just got access to protocores and now everything is a million times more complicated. I have no idea why dumb shit like this releases the dopamine in my brain but whatevs. I dunno. If you found this post through a tag search feel free to jabber at me about this game, these little niche things I find, I have so few people I can talk about them with. Every once in a while I will holler my thoughts out into the void here. Blah blah blah. Etc.

#love and deepspace #Sylus #otome games #the brainrot is real

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se7ens-oc-heaven · 1 month ago

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question about the Skeld crew! what are their favorite tasks to do aboard the ship- for the Impostors too, if they *must* do a task what do they choose?

Mweheheh... all the impostors have to do tasks too >:3c - partially because they blend in better that way in context of storytelling; and partially because when there's only one crewmate, things are gonna go all over the place real fast otherwise xD so I went ahead and answered for all of them!

Guinevere (Captain White)

prefers more administrative tasks overall due to habit as captain and also they're less strenuous.

Charting course, calibrating steering and other helmwork is especially preferred as it gives her a sense of control

enjoys shooting down asteroids when she gets the chance. They're a de-stressor for her.

hates comms work, it puts her on edge knowing she's now an impostor and could be found out if she had to directly interface with anyone in the process.

Jeremy (red)

likes cleaning vents. He finds funny stuff and sometimes also his friends are in there! :)

loves 'simon says', it's musical and involves pressing buttons!

may like stabilizing steering if it involves messing with the controls. He can pretend he's steering :)

hates standing still for medical scan, and dislikes tasks like data 'loads that involve him running all over the ship for abstract reasons. He gets power diversion conceptually so that's fine but data uploads don't feel like something that needs done in a tangible way.

Ciar (black)

is autistic and humans are special interest (/silly wording), so they enjoy most tasks on principle of "it's a Human Thing!"

some tasks are sensory overload for them (eg fuel) so those aren't as great.

not good at tasks just because he likes them :(

Xanth (Yellow)

he doesn't mind shooting asteroids. Sometimes he pretends they're crewmates.

mystified by the circles in electrical. It's surprisingly effective in keeping him quiet for a few moments.

can never card swipe successfully and loses his temper over it.

hates cleaning out vents? (Gross ig???? I'm always learning new things about this weirdo it feels like)

dislikes emptying garbage chutes (loud)

Ursa (Brown)

the less she actually has to do, the better.

downloads, sample check are good. Also emptying trash.

she would enjoy medscan if she could actually do it without raising suspicion. (Rosalia fakes the data for her)

Sky (Cyan)

he likes emptying trash but also fucks around with it by yanking the lever up and down for fun.

surprisingly enjoys cleaning O2 of leaves.

don't make him do wiring. He'll do it no complaints but he never matches them. He prefers to be "creative" with his matchups.

he can't do card swipe and will stand there all day trying. You have to pry him from the console if you need a turn.

honestly most any task you set in front of him is "he'll do it but Poorly" even if emotionally he's engaged because he makes minigames out of everything lmao

Rosalia (Pink)

excels at card swipe and loves showing off - Especially in front of Xanth.

dislikes handling fuel refills - it's grimy.

not as great at shooting meteoroids - her reflexes aren't the best

Enjoys snooping during download tasks and checking out files if anything grabs her eye

She'll also actually study the medical samples closely, she's intrigued by them

Thanks for the prompt!! I had fun considering how each would feel about different tasks hehe

#and tbqh if anyone wanted to know about what any of them thought about a task not mentioned feel free to ask!#I had thoughts for each task for most of them but I only listed their notable likes/dislikes to keep things shorter #blablablah #ocs among us #among us #guinevere #ciar #xanth #jeremy #sky #ursa #rosalia #shyyren #prompted #ocs qna #ocs

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hearthomelesbian · 5 months ago

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i would love to hear more about your mia project if you'd like to share.. ^^

!! absolutely!! i would love to talk about it :D thank you for asking!!

mia fey: ace attorney is a fan game i was working on, based on the period between mia breaking off from grossberg's law office and phoenix's first proper case. I have 4 cases planned and a rough overarching plot (though i'm still ironing out the details 😅). i was thinking a sequel would be fun too, but there is so much work i need to do for even the first one!!

phoenix is the co-counsel for the most part, in a sort of transitionary state between how we see him in turnabout memories and how he is in the first ace attorney game. i've been working on a detective lana theme (you can here the work in progress here) and doing some sprite editing! i have phoenix and detective lana done, as well as a younger maya started ^-^

we start the game with mia's first case out on her own, nothing incredibly interesting, but a quick one day case to get her and phoenix's relationship established. she's still settling in to her new office, brand new charley gifted, when phoenix shows up looking for work. she's kind of reluctant considering the last time she saw him, about a year ago, he ate decisive evidence, but he begs her to just take him for one case. when phoenix proves he's actually got some raw talent, she decides to give him a chance (despite the fact he keeps calling her chief...). he asks why she left her last firm and she brushes him off, but it leads us to...

case 2! a flashback to mia's final case with grossberg, and with edgeworth prosecuting, it's doomed from the start. their client is on the stand for a crime they didnt commit, but with redd white pulling the strings, it's an uphill battle to try prove anything. with grossberg wrapped around his finger as well, mia is left with just the detective on her side, an old friend from school: enter lana skye!

pre-SL9 lana is the happiest we've ever seen her, enjoying her work as a detective and obviously attracted to mia... intellectually, of course! this case sets the baseline of their relationship - honest, flirtatious, with a genuine connection. a bit of fun in an otherwise discouraging case, lana tries her hardest to help mia find the truth.

when they lose, grossberg clearly holding out on her, mia calls it quits. despite the loss, her and lana managed to find a crucial lead, and mia starts fey and co. law, determined to find the truth without anyone else getting in her way. she calls maya down for burgers (and to give her some evidence to hold on to), and the case ends on a hopeful note.

case 3 is a bit of a silly one ^-^ and the only case where i've got an idea of the case and not the overarching plot around it. our defendant, a younger desiree delite (though that her last name isn't yet) is accused of art theft, and her girlfriend diana key (or di for short) is adamant she would never do it. di ends up being (correctly) implicated, but her partner in crime takes the fall. the case being art based gives phoenix plenty of opportunity to be judgy about the art involved.

case 4 comes around and phoenix is out of the picture, stuck in exams. mia has maya for the week when a case pops up that she has to take. it has redd white written all over it, and their brand new chief prosecutor is on the opposing side.

lana is closed-off and distant now, avoiding mia as best as she can except in court. we find out she hasn't been answering mia's calls since SL9. mia corners her for answers but gets nothing out of her other than "ema is doing fine". mia gets an incredibly hard won victory despite evidence appearing seemingly out of nowhere whenever the prosecution needs it, adds the new evidence against redd white to her collection, and sends maya home with it, more determined than ever.

i'm sort of torn with a potential game 2, because i love being canon compliant, but the protagonist dying before she gets to take down the guy she's been trying to take down kind of sucks as an ending... perhaps game 2 builds up to the final case being an alternate turnabout sisters, where mia lives and gets to work together with phoenix to take him down? i would love to see mia introduce maya and phoenix, and clue him in on whats going on with redd white... mostly im just excited to explore the relationship between mia and all these characters she never really gets to interact with... maya, lana, young phoenix, maybe even pearl and morgan? i would love to do a kurain case... there is just so much potential there!!! mia fey rftaa would also be fantastic, though it's so long i wouldn't want to rehash it all as it would probably go down pretty similar LOL

here is some of the art i've done for it already ^-^ winking lana is a favourite of mine, and i gave young phoenix a trucy-esque bounce animation! i'd probably edit some of this now, i was working on it a fair while ago... but still cute!! and here's the lana theme wip - i tried to adapt ema's theme the same way that turnabout sisters is adapted for mia, maya and pearl! i've also put a little bit of mia's theme and gumshoes theme in there, but its definitely a wip still ^_^

thank you for asking about it!! it was a lot of fun to think about it again even if its a project on the back burner for now. i would love to come back to it someday!!!

#elliot lore #mf:aa

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eastwindmlk · 11 months ago

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Hi! Amnesia for the WIP game? 👀

Excellent choice! This also comes with a little background because technically I've had this laying around for give or take five years. And the plunny keeps hopping by every once in a while. But I'm never quite sure where I want this story to go and now it lives in limbo between my WIP folder and my graveyard.

Set in 7th year. James gets into a quidditch accident and loses part of his memory. Specifically people, only remembering bits and pieces but unable to connect them to the figures he finds at his bedside. Lily teams up with his friends and teammates to try and restore what was lost. But can they? Or is their friend forever changed.

There isn't much written but I wrote the opening paragraphs. So, there you go!

It wasn’t entirely out of the ordinary to find Lily Evans roaming around the hospital wing; she had taken an interest in the art of healing when her father had gotten ill. The matron had gladly taken her in and had the redhead help out. She had seen potential in the girl with her gentle disposition, deft hands and proclivity for potions. She could be a great healer, if she chose to pursue the path once she graduated. Though her visits in the past three days had not been to shadow the nurse and help out with the people that needed no immediate attention. No, she had a purpose this time.

Quidditch was always a tricky time and usually one or two students would end up needing some ointment for bruises or the setting of a bone. It rarely ever ended in blood. Though this game was bad. Lily had been there from the moment James wrapped his lucky scarf around her neck and said something silly to the moment that the teachers helped carry him in, bleeding from a bad blow to the head. The Gryffindor girl had busied herself with fetching towels and shooing away the people that had no use being there. Even if it broke her heart to see the pain in their eyes as they peered across the ward to the closed curtains and the stained uniform that lay discarded on the chair.

It had been three days since they had rushed in here and Lily had been by his side for most of it. The boys and her trading shifts to make sure that someone would be awake when he would finally open his eyes. So, there she sat on the uncomfortable chair that had become her home, flicking through some sappy romance novel Mary had brought her. She was deep into a chapter that was probably not meant for the eyes of a teen when it finally happened. In a whirl the raven haired boy sat up, looking nine shades of green and about to empty his already empty stomach.

The book fell on the ground with a dull thud as she guided him back into the pillows. If he only took a moment to breathe it should be fine. Taking a deep breath herself she found his glasses and put on a smile, despite the fact that her heart was hammering in her chest. “Very funny, Potter.” She replied as he asked who she was, taking the water from his bedside and setting the glass to his lips. “Drink this and slowly sit up. I’ll go get the nurse.” She mused, shaking her head a little as she slid off the bed convinced this was just him taking the opportunity to play a prank, as usual. She never could have guessed that there was nothing funny about what was about to be happening.

#jily #jily fanfiction #my wips #the wip game #omg i got tagged #asked and answered

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sugdenlovesdingle · 1 year ago

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

thanks for tagging me @im-overstimulated-and-im-sad

I love wasting time with these things when I'm supposed to be writing 😉

How many works do you have on AO3? In total 262, for tarlos 24 (and counting)

What's your total AO3 word count? 642,739 (holy shit)

What fandoms do your write for? at the moment just 911 lone star/tarlos, but I'm kind of looking into RWRB/firstprince, and depending on a certain mister R. Hawley, I might get pulled back into emmerdale/robron

What are your top five fics by kudos? I'll stick to tarlos for this or else it'll just be 5 robron fics Austin TX first responders week - TK and Carlos have to give a talk about their jobs at a school for Austin's first responders week. Filling in the blanks - a post episode/missing moment of Owen finding out what happened to Carlos in 4x04 See you later - Marjan going to say goodbye to a still recovering Carlos before she leaves in 4x05 - kind of a missing moment It started with a concussion - a meet ugly with Carlos literally running into TK while chasing a suspect Love and Lou - The Lou fic! Vet!Carlos AU meet cute with a little help from Lou I and II

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Not as often as I should. I never know what to say other than "Thank you" and i just end up reading the comments 50 times over (and i save the emails from AO3) and I'm like I LOVE YOU PERSON LEAVING A COMMENT ON MY SILLY LITTLE STORY YOU MADE MY DAY - but only in my head because i don't want to seem too weird. Idk - I overthink things.

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I don't do angsty endings. Though PS I love you is a little bittersweet I guess. TK getting a letter from Gwyn on his wedding day.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? All of them! I need a happy ending - always. But I suppose it was 'earned' the most in California where they both Go Through It before they get their happy ending.

Do you get hate on fics? I haven't on tarlos fics but I did get a hater on one of my anti chas robron fics once. I just deleted the comment.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Not really. I've tried... but it's just not for me.

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? Not really. Unless you count the tiny blink and you miss it RWRB reference in Swing swing.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not as far as I know.

Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope but I've translated fics from German to English for a friend yeeeeeaaaars ago - for Luke/Noah from As The World Turns

Have you ever co-written a fic before? I have, several. For Luke/Noah from ATWT way back in the day. it was an Experience™

What's your all time favourite ship? I can't pick just one!

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Undercover Carlos - I really want to finish it but I'm so bad at multi chapter fics. I'm bad at planning and I lose motivation and everyone else loses interest. I'm going to try get back to it when I'm done with my flufftober fics (so somewhere next summer or so 🙃)

What are your writing strengths? Dialogue for sure. and cutesy oneshots.

What are your writing weaknesses? Describing stuff. Translating the "picture" I have in my head to words on 'paper' is The Worst. Also planning and plotting a story - I tend to make stuff up as I go (which is why I suck at long multichapter fics)

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? Don't do it unless you speak the language or know someone who does who can check it for you. Google translate is NOT your friend. A few words here and there (like the Spanish terms of endearment in tarlos fics) is fine, you can't really go wrong with that, but for more than that you need someone who actually speaks the language.

First fandom you wrote for? Luke and Noah - As The World Turns

Favourite fic you've written? For Tarlos I had a lot of fun with my Lou fic that I mentioned earlier and The perfect costume has done some interesting things to my insta algorithm, and The power of a muddy dog was fun because I like soft!TK with Buttercup. But all of my fics have *something* that makes them *special* to me.

If you've read all this... I'm impressed lol

tagging: @noxsoulmate @carlos-in-glasses @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @lightningboltreader @bonheur-cafe @sanjuwrites and and an open tag for whoever feels like doing this because I never know who to tag!

#tag games #tarlos #tarlos fic

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c0rrupted-mov · 1 year ago

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dr3 chiaki for the ask game?

CHIAKI CHIAKI CHIAKI CHIAKI CHIAKIIIIIIIIIII

i kinda don't distinguish dr3 and sdr2 Chiaki becuse I close my eyes at the part of the canon that says she's dead lol. it's my world and my rules she's alive and well ok

favorite thing about them

Her passion to her hobby/talent. I relate to that a lot and also find it a very interesting quirk of hers. Like other ultimates don't really lose their sleep and food to do more photos or cooking or else. Other than Ryota and that's why we kin him too. Idk makes me wonder why Nanami is the way she is

least favorite thing about them

Here's two 1) The way fandom treats her. She gets SO much hate and for what? She just wanted to play her silly games all day and have friends :( The "mary sue" treatment like yeah she's not the best written character in the series but she's fine! It's not a crime to not have a detail backstory or character. it's sad we don't have it, but it doesn't make her awful. Oh and I HATE the "waifu bait" thing!! The fact that Kodaka said in the interview that he made a character with similar hobbies as him is not the same as waifu bait! I can relate to this feeling of his and see nothing bad with it. She's not just a pretty looks and "uwu gamer girl" (she doesn't fit the stereotype at all imo) and those who think otherwise didn't really pay attention to her. And 2) How little focus she has despite her role. I wish dr3 spent some time developing her character and story. We know very little about her life before the events! And it's sad! Her behavior gives a lot of food for thought of why she's the way she is and I would love to see more canon material about it. Esp if we consider that in canon it's the real Chiaki. Not focusing on her as a person was a big mistake

favorite line

From sdr2: "Nagito can you please be quiet" like yes girl!! So epic of her. AND THE WAY NAGITO IMMEDIATELY SHUTS UP FDKGMJ. And "How should I lure out Nagito? No, acting sexy won't work..." like girl why was it the first idea you had huh?? Huh?? huuuh??? 👁👁👁👁

From dr3: "I wanted to play games with you... One more time..." and her whole near death speech in general. like GIRL YOU'RE DYING AND YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SHOULD SAY SORRY?? Let me hug you T^T I had to rewatch that scene for this and it breaks my heart everytime. ON A BRIGHTER NOTE it's not a line but a k.o she gave Hanamura even tho she was affected by the soup. It was so badass of her like YEES GIRL SHOW HIM!!!! #HanamuraSlander

brOTP

So many honestly... Hinanami and even komanami, her and chihiro and her and sonia... I feel like she would get along with a lot of people

OTP

Komanami 100%. Nanami canonically has always been the only person in their class who didn't hate Komaeda at every point of the story. She has always shown compassion and support to him. While also not approving of his wrong actions and doing her best to show him that there's other way. That he can be their classmate and friend too. There's part in her dr wiki page that says "Even self-deprecating Nagito Komaeda understands that Chiaki would always invite him even if no one else would" LIKE?? And people still say that they canonically hate each other??? I'm sure they were friends in dr3

nOTP

Hinanami lol. Sorry to every hinanami lover here but I don't see the chemistry at all. And I just feel like the impact they had on each other hits stronger if you think of them as friends. At least it's the way I see it lol. Don't think it's bad tho, it's definitely nice. Just not my cup of tea

random headcanon

Autistic!! It makes SO much sense, the most making sense thing possible ever. Gaming is also her coping mechanism and a way to hide from outside world, that feels too unpredictable and scary to her

unpopular opinion

Things i said in "least favorite thing about them" and also does headcanoning her alive and giving her more character traits and more detailed story counts? idk. Also there's no way she's as skinny as in canon

song i associate with them

"Apparently there's a cheat code for happiness" eng cover by Milkychan. Because I heard in a first Nanami edit I saw back in 2019 by an editor that since long deleted their videos... They greatly inspired me to edit too. Other than that it also fits her. The way she also interprets things in life as in video game. I can see her understanding key elements of happiness at life as some video game achievements or boosts klhgbn

favorite picture of them

One apple tall

#thank you for the ask!#I love Chiaki i love talking about her lgkhbjklhb #nana #ask game

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nothing-but-dreamy · 3 years ago

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HC: You telling Nyx you could imagine having a family with him

A/N: This is written gender neutral! It really suits everyone

Words: 1.390

Pairing: FFXV!NYX ULRIC x GENDER NEUTRAL!READER

Warnings: some angst; fluff

- Overall, Nyx would be both scared and happy when you tell him you would like to have a family with him; he just has problems to deal with the information properly

- back in Galahd, after finding the right person, Nyx would have settled down some day, raising a little family, being a loving, caring dad and husband; playing games with his kids and building a strong bond with his partner to challenge life together

- but now, things have changed; Nyx' home is destroyed and with it a bunch of his dreams he had had formerly

- then, you showed up in his life; turning grief into new hope; bringing back the color into some of the dreams that already have turned gray; you alone are a miracle; how it was possible for him to be this lucky; but you give him strength, safeness and love as he needed it the most

- one day, after you two were dating for a while, you admit that you can imagine having a family with him;

- Nyx is speechless; sure, he always was the family-type of guy but ... now? As a Glaive?

- because he doesn't respond, you take it as rejection; you feel disappointed because of his reaction but you disguise it with a smile that shall reassure him while you feel something break inside of you; not much, just a little bit like a tiny crack

- Nyx is the type of guy you always searched for but you never found until now; everything feels right and perfect and pretty early in your relationship, you already can imagine him with a child - your child - no matter how silly this picture was after this short of time, you could feel it was something you would like to have with him

- of course, you have considered his job as a Glaive, that was the reason why it took you so 'long' to bring up this idea, at all, knowing what his arguments would be

- but as Nyx stays silent, just staring at you, you know you did something wrong; you regret it, not just because you feel hurt, rather because you haven't considered the idea that it might be no topic for Nyx anymore after losing his whole family

- Nyx sees your sad expression and how you try to hide it with a smile before you change the topic quickly to brush the idea off as just something randomly

- but he knows it wasn't something random; he saw that you were serious with your idea; the thing was, you have taken him so much by surprise that he had no idea how to react properly because his mind went blank

- for him, as a Glaive, life could end quickly; to have you in his life was already luxury he wasn't sure if he should allow it to himself - but a family? That was a whole different level

- the night of the day you dropped the idea, Nyx can't sleep. At all. He lies next to you, watches you sleeping peacefully, beautiful and cute as always; this time, added to the question why he even deserves you, he also is pondering about your family idea

- of course, he can't get it out of his mind, he already loves the idea but he's still surprised that you would want that with him; he sees himself as far away from being perfect for that with all his nightmares and flashbacks; and still, you seem to see him as worthy

- but the main reason Nyx is still awake is because he can't forget your disappointed expression as he just had stayed silent; even in his own mind, it must have been the cruelest thing he could do to you

- so, even if it is just four in the morning, Nyx has to wake you up; he has to talk to you; to apologize; so, he strokes softly over the skin of your arm, slowly becoming a bit stronger in his moves to wake you up

"Wh-what's the matter?", you whisper sleepily, rubbing your eyes as you see Nyx' face in front of you.

"YN, I... Can we talk?", Nyx whispers softly.

"Talk? Now? It's the middle of the night, Nyx...", you point out before you close your eyes again to drift back to sleep.

Nyx shakes you once again, with more urgency in his voice, "Please, YN."

You yawn before you open your eyes slowly again, "Okay, okay, I'm awake. What is it?", you ask but as you see his insecure glance, your mind becomes quickly clearer.

"It's about earlier. As you... As you said you could imagine having a family with me-"

You cut him off, once again regretting saying it at all. But now, you also fear it might be a deal breaker for your relationship, "Oh, that... Yeah... Listen, Nyx, forget it.", you whisper, avoiding looking at him, fumbling with the blanket, "It was a stupid idea anyway mostly, because I haven't thought about your past. Please, just... Just don't break up with me because of what I have said.", you plead desperately.

Nyx watches you in shock. He had no idea that his silence would have had this kind of effect on you. So, Nyx cups your face with his hands, forcing you to look at him before he kisses you deeply to show you what he always failed to put into words. After that 'said', he leans back to look into your eyes, "I won't leave you. Never. I couldn't. I have no idea what I should do without you, YN."

You feel that tears are building in your eyes and you're too tired to stop them, "But you were mad. And I was thoughtless."

Nyx slides even closer to you, feeling how your hands are searching for him. As you embrace him strongly, he relaxes a little bit, knowing that you still trust him and what he will tell you, "I wasn't mad. I... I- I was scared.", he admits awkwardly.

You frown, searching something in his soft blue eyes but there is just honesty, "Scared? You were scared because of what?", you ask confused because Nyx got barely scared of something.

Nyx chuckles softly, "I'm still asking myself why I even deserve you and then you want a family with me? Considering everything, that would be too much to ask for for me. Even if I already fell in love with the idea. And beside that, what if I fail as a dad? What if I fail you? I mean, are you sure you want that with me? My life isn't steady enough. I'm already scared to lose you...", he breathes, resting his forehead against yours with closed eyes.

Your heart hammers in your chest by his words because he shows so much vulnerability like never before. But you also smile softly because this was him. No matter how good things are, no matter how sure he is that you stay with him he will always fight to keep you by his side. Slowly, you're tickling Nyx' neck to calm him, "You know, you would be a great dad. You already care so much about everyone around you. There's no way you could fail as a dad or me at all. And I... you don't have to be scared. I didn't mean to start a family right now. I just... for some time, I have this picture in my head and I thought it would make you happy to know that.", you explain softly, showing him the sweetest smile you can produce.

Nyx leans you back to crawl on top of you, "You have no idea how happy you make me with this idea. You make me happy and you know what? I'm already addicted to your idea. I would love to start a family with you. I'm sorry for making you sad.", he whispers before he kisses you longingly.

You are melting underneath him and suddenly, sleep is of no interest anymore. In this night, Nyx and you are sharing a different kind of love, a deeper one than ever before. Nyx takes his time to make it up to you for making you sad and you enjoy the affection this perfect man gives you, realizing that you are pretty fine with the fact that you don't have to share him anytime soon.

#final fantasy nyx ulric #ff15 nyx ulric #kingsglaive nyx #nyx ulric x reader #nyx ulric #male reader #female reader #gender neutral reader #gender neutral fanfic #fluff #angst

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beelzegrub · 3 years ago

Note

can I request what would happen if we summon them while we're on human realm bc we missed them so much but lose so much blood in the process I don't really know I'm a sucker for these kind of things. thank youu!!

EDIT FROM FUTURE OP: This ask has been sitting in my drafts for months half finished and I finally found the motivation to finish. Anon, I’m so sorry for the wait. You’re a sweetheart ❤️ I was only able to do the three eldest though and I’m so sorry!!

Um hello??? I love this so much thank you!!! I thought it was kind of silly to go through all of that at the end of season 2 to just.... not use it so I’m excited about this!!!! (Sorry if this is too angsty my brain got super pumped about this and took off.

PS the request said “we” so I used a reader insert type of style. Hope that’s what you were looking for :)

MC Summons Their Demon, but at What cost?

Trigger warning!!!! Self harm/blood

How long had it been since you’d seen the him? Weeks? Months? Who knows. They all blended together after while. All you knew is that it had been too long. Why was this all so tedious? Solomon had promised to teach you the summoning ritual as soon as you could handle it. Why hadn’t he done so? Did he not trust you? Was he purposely keeping you away from the them? Surely you were strong enough at this point. Enough with the waiting. You wouldn’t sit around and any longer! You needed to see them. You needed to see him.

You flipped messily through book after book. Solomon had given you many to study for your apprenticeship. There had to be something about summoning in one of these!

“Hmm..”

You carefully read through the worn pages of one of the larger and dustier tomes. Something about this one called to you. You zoned out as you took in the information on the pages, following context clues until you found what you were looking for. The images drawn on the page seemed foreign and surprised you. A summoning circle? You had expected as much, but the repeated mentions of ‘sacrifice’ and ‘blood oath’ seemed ancient and outdated. You couldn’t help but notice there was no mention of sentimental possessions of the demon you were trying to summon as well. You were sure none of the brothers would suggest a summoning if it were dangerous though...

Out of options and out of patience, you gathered your courage and set up the ritual to the best of your ability. Things seemed to match the books instructions, at least. All that was left was the blood. You stepped into the middle of the circle and closed brought a sewing needle to the top of your finger. The book hadn’t specified the amount of blood needed, but it was better to start small, you reasoned. You closed your eyes and pricked it, quickly squeezing a single drop of blood into the center of the circle, and said the name of the person you had been desperate to see.

Lucifer

The day of the summoning, Lucifer had felt this nagging sense of danger from the moment he opened his eyes. He was so sure it was one of his brothers about to cause trouble for him once again.

Lucifer spent the day preparing for the worst. Had Mammon stolen something of vast importance? Did Levi buy another piece of cursed media? Surely Beel hadn’t eaten a poisonous dish??

That evening, tired from being on edge all day, he had retired to his study, hoping some music would help calm his nerves. He settled into his chair and closed his eyes.

Then came the pull.

It had been ages since he had felt a sensation like this. When was the last time someone had tried to summon him? Hundreds of years ago, it had to be. And it never felt as strong as this force pulling him now.

There had once been a cult of devil worshipers who sacrificed many of their members for a chance to pull him to the human world, quite surprised to find out their sacrifices had been in vain, considering Lucifer wasn’t interested in a bunch of worthless humans. But even then the tug hadn’t been this strong. Sure, he could still resist it, but the strength of it still left him awestruck. Who had the power to call to him like this?

“Lucifer!”

His blood ran cold. Immediately, he stopped resisting the call and gave in, allowing the summoning to take place.

You had done it. Lucifer was here! The strongest and most fearsome of the seven, and you had Summoned him to you. Your heart swelled when you though of how impressed he’d be when he found out you had done it all on your own. Would he praise you? Would he tease you? Would he tilt his head and smirk, then ask you if you had really missed him that much?

You smiled softly, looking up at him. The look on his face wasn’t one of pride. His eyebrows had furrowed and a frown creased deep into his face. Was he angry at you? No... you had seen his anger many times. This wasn’t it.

“MC....what have you done?”

He cradled you softly in his arms. Wait. When had he picked you up? You looked at your surroundings, the fear in the pit of your stomach ever growing. Where had all this blood come from? You had only pricked your finger! Lucifer’s hand touched your cheek, pulling your face back to him.

“Don’t look.”

You had no choice but to obey. You simply didn’t have the strength to move anymore.

“I’ve called for help, it’ll be just a moment, MC. Just keep your eyes on me.”

Lucifer’s voice was soft and soothing, and you felt your tired body relax into his hold.

“I did it... I brought you here... I did it...” you closed your eyes, a smile on your lips.

“MC, keep your eyes open. Look at me. MC! MC!”

Mammon

That day had started out much the same as always. Mammon, still sore from last nights punishment, groaned as he slumped into his desk at RAD. He rested his head in his arms against the desk, and glanced at the seat that used to belong to you. Obviously, you weren’t there, but it didn’t hurt to check....

“MC is still in the human world, Mammon.”

Mammon jumped and sat up straight in his seat, his cheeks red from being caught.

“I know that Belphie! I was just-just uh zonin’ out! MC’s old seat just happened to be in the same direction!” He stuttered out an excuse.

“Just call them, Mammon. I’m sure MC would be happy to hear your voice.” Oh great, now Beel’s getting involved too. He knew his brothers meant no harm, but all this talk about MC was getting him riled up!

“Fine! I will! I’ll call MC tonight! and you two AREN’T invited!” Mammon laid his head down once again, this time hiding his face, not wanting his blush to show a second time. Tonight he’d finally hear MC’s voice again. And he could blame Beel and Belphie for the call!

Come dinner time, Mammon had just about run out of patience. His head kept telling him to wait just a bit longer, but something in his heart was yelling for him to quit dragging his feet.

“I’m going to my room and NOBODY better interrupt me, ya hear?!” Mammon stumbled to his feet and started marching to his room, six pairs of eyes staring at him questioningly. He only made it a few steps when he felt it. A tug. He closed his eyes and swayed on his feet, dizzy from the force of it. This was a summoning, wasn’t it? He had felt it plenty of times from those damn witches, but something about this was different. He turned around to look his brothers again, a look of confusion on his face.

“I...think I’m bein’ summoned.”

Levi snorted and crossed his arms. “I’m sure you’re guilty of something. Better just get it over with.”

The rest of the brothers mumbled in agreement.

Except Lucifer.

Lucifer quickly pushed out his chair and hurried to Mammon. Something was wrong. A simple summoning wouldn’t have this effect on a demon of Mammon’s stature.

The pull came once again, stronger this time. Mammon winced and held his hand to his aching head. Lucifer’s hand came down to rest on his shoulder

“I don’t know how long I can resist this. Somethin’ isn’t right. Lucifer, what’s happening to me?” He looked to his brother for help, and found the rest of them had gathered around as well, a look of concern on all of their faces.

“Someone call for Diavolo and Barbatos. Mammon, hold on just a few more moments.” Lucifer commanded.

Mammon would have agreed, if not for the voice that rang out clearly in his head, calling his name.

“Mammon!”

Mammon’s eyes snapped open and stopped resisting the pull, hearing the shouts from his brothers disappear as he followed the call.

“Mammon! Mammon! Mammon Mammon Mammon! Please!” You couldn’t keep this up for much longer, you knew it. You had fallen to your knees moments after the initial call. You could feel every drop of blood flowing out of the pin prick on your finger, but you didn’t dare give up. You had come this far, and you wouldn’t give up now. Not until you had to.

But you didn’t have to. A flash of light blinded you momentarily, and when you could see again, there he was. Standing there was the Mammon. Relief flushed through your entire body, and you stopped pouring your magic into the spell. Utterly exhausted, your body came crashing forward, landing in front of his feet.

Mammon quickly slid to his knees on the ground, picking you up off the floor and resting your head in his lap.

“You....Are you okay, MC?” Mammon tried to keep his voice even and steady, not wanting to scare you, but his hands that held too tightly and his body that quivered gave him away.

“I am now.” You answered quietly, unsure if it was true. At least Mammon was here and holding you in his arms. Things would be okay as long as he was with you.

“You...You idiot! Stupid! What the heck were ya thinkin’!? Can’t you see how much blood you’ve lost? This isn’t how you’re supposed to be summoning us! I’m gonna kill that damn sorcerer!” Mammon felt his blood boil with each second that passed. How Could Solomon have allowed this?

You softly squeezed his hand, not having the energy to yell for his attention. Immediately, he stopped, looking at you questioningly.

“Solomon didn’t teach me this. He wouldn’t. But.... I just couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to see you.” You answered.

He frowned deeply, more troubled with this answer. You had done all this just to see him? He felt a lump in his throat form. “I would have come to you. You didn’t have to do this.” He pressed his forehead to yours, closing his eyes to stop any tears from escaping.

You cupped his cheek, returning the affection he so rarely showed. “S’okay. All that matters is you’re here now. I just...need....to rest....a little...” Your eyes fluttered closed, feeling at peace and calm in your love’s arms.

Panic. Once again, Mammon’s eyes snapped open. He placed his hand over yours, trying to gently coax you into opening your eyes once more.

“Not yet, you can’t yet, MC. We have to wait for help to come. Come on, wake up.” He knew his brothers would come. Someone would come. They wouldn’t let this happen to you. He wouldn’t let this happen to you. “MC!” When gentle touches didn’t work, he got rougher, shaking you and yelling, desperate to see your eyes open.

“Enough playin’ around MC! Wake up! WAKE UP, DAMMIT! Wake... Wake up...You have to..... Wake up....”

Leviathan

To say that Levi was missing his MC was like saying humans like air. Is it true? Yeah, but kind of an understatement. Humans needed air to live and breathe, and in his eyes, you were air. It’s no secret that Levi wasn’t exactly popular. One might even say it was well known that he was a dorky loner demon, if they were feeling particularly sassy. Being a loner has it’s advantages, like having more time for gaming and anime binging, but it sure is, well, a lonely once you’ve had someone to share your passions with. And once that someone is gone, their absence weighs heavy.

So yes, Levi was missing MC. So what? Everyone was missing MC. Why wouldn’t they? His MC was a ray of sunshine in a world of darkness. Ugh. That line sounder way cooler when the hero in his latest otome had said it. Of course his thoughts couldn’t sound that cool. But that’s not the point! Levi figured he had no right to complain about MC being gone, because he was just a gross, annoying, worthless otaku. He didn’t deserve to miss them. He was lucky he got to spend as much time with them as he did, really.

But nobody could blame him for thinking these thoughts, right? Thinking about how much he missed the way MC would cram themselves as close to him as possible to get a look at whatever mobile game he was playing was harmless. So was remembering all the nights they’d spent binging anime and then realizing the sun was up, smiling sheepishly at each other and promising not to stay up so late next time, even though they always did. Okay, so maybe thinking about the way they looked when they were fresh out of his shower, smelling of his soap and shampoo was less than innocent, but what was he supposed to do!? Leaning your damp head on his shoulder and curling up close to him like that! Doing things like that is bad for an otaku’s heart! You might give them hope or something...

Enough was enough! He didn’t have time to be obsessing over how much he missed MC. It was taking time away from his one and only true love. “Ruri-Chan, you’d never abandon me right? No, I know you wouldn’t. You’re not like that.” Levi began speaking to his latest figure. “Not to say MC IS like that! No, of course their not! They didn’t have a choice!” He stuttered out a quick fix to his hurtful words. He was glad they weren’t around to hear, but it still felt wrong to say. He was quiet for a minute, staring at his floor in shame. Slowly, he lifted his eyes back to the figure. “Do you think they miss me like I miss them?”

And then he felt it. It had been so long, but he knew this feeling.This was a summoning, wasn’t it?! Based on the intense tug he felt, it had to be a super powerful sorcerer or maybe a group of basic magic users? Honestly, he was flattered. Someone wanted to summon HIM? No, They must have made a mistake. Surely this summon was meant for one of his brothers.

Leviathan was so lost in his own self pity he missed the first two calls of his name. The third one, sounding so desperate and pleading, snapped him out of his funk in an instant. He knew that voice. Without hesitation he let the summon take him, and there he was. He was finally reunited with MC.

But it wasn’t supposed to be like this. When he finally saw them again, he was supposed to feel elated and whole again, not like a piece of his heart was ripped right out of his chest. But when he locked eyes with them, surrounded by blood and their eyes looking glassy, that’s exactly what he felt.

“MC! Oh no. Oh no.”

Levi. He was here. He had to be. You heard his voice and felt his presence, felt his arms circle around you and cradle you tightly against his chest. But why couldn’t you see him? And why did you feel so… empty?

“Levi? That’s you isn’t it? Why is it so dark?” Had the candles all gone out? No, even before you lit them, you remember it hadn’t been this dark. Something was wrong.

Levi inhaled shakily, holding back the sobs he desperately wanted to release. “MC, what are you talking about? I’m right here! Can’t you see me?”

Like a bolt of lighting, the realization hit you. It wasn’t dark. The candles hadn’t gone out. It was your eyes.

“No, Levi. I can’t. I can’t see you. I can’t see anything.” You shakily reach your hand up, frantically feeling around for your love’s face. Leviathan’s usual timid nature word have normally had him reeling away, but in this moment, he had no reservations as he helped guide your hand to his cheek. His lips trembled as he fought the urge to scream.

“MC…. Why would you do this? You’ve lost so much blood… and.. and your sight? I’m not worth this. I’m just a useless otaku! It isn’t fair!” His tears began to flow, the guilt of it all was ripping him apart.

You closed your eyes and smiled as you remembered the many faces of this man you had called to you. “It was worth it. I did it because I love you, Levi. I need you. After all, what good is a Henry without his lord?”

#obey me #shall we date? obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me mc #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #reader insert #tw self harm #tw sewing needle prick #tw blood #this was way to long winded I overdid it

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asherlockstudy · 4 years ago

Text

Uncomfortable close-up to their Valentine Newlywed answers

Since Rhett was a tad reluctant to compliment Link sincerely I decided to use my psychoanalytical skills (anyway whatever) and seek the underlying honest answers they wanted to give. This could be a bit much at times and perhaps you shouldn't read if you are not a Rhink shipper, that's why I used a cut.

"What he loves about me" Link's expression is a little confusing - maybe an attempt at doubt or self-deprecation but it looks to me more like the embarrassment of the blushing bride.

"I love your..."

Who wants to bet that the first thing that came to Rhett's mind was ass but then he changed it to the first word that came to his mind after ass? A-ccent. Like, there's just no case accent was the first thing he thought because Link's accent isn't even that strong at this point. When Link got surprised at that, Rhett simply replied that he was trying to find something funny. But even so, like I said earlier, Rhett does love Link's accent. I am sure he is fond of it, he finds it adorable. And let's not forget he said "there was so much he could choose from"!

Link looks disappointed that it's not his guess, his eyes. An interesting thing here is that although he used a personality trait for Rhett, he expected / hoped for this physical trait for himself. But don't feel sorry - Rhett has talked about his baby blues and has even gone to the ridiculous extents of planning to make a blog exclusively for Link's eyes. So don't worry; it is known that Rhett at least acknowledges the beauty of Link's eyes. At least. And Link was expecting this from a place of knowledge and not as an attempt to be silly-sappy.

Things Rhett thinks Link loves about him:

voice (Link will later say he loves his laugh and this is close, he's also enchanted every time Rhett sings so...)

height (Link once said he is attracted to "people of extreme heights")

hair (we know that)

beard (lie detector test)

giving spirit (lol totally)

creativity (they've talked about this many times)

eyebrows (if Link has said he likes Rhett's eyelashes then liking his eyebrows is certain)

Rhett was guessing from a place of knowledge too.

Rhett then said he loves stories of Link's grandma doing weird things with him and I don't like being the weirdo to spell out the weird thing but Rhett's interest in that is vaguely associated to his weird mind being always in the gutter. I don't mean it turns him on of course but he loves hearing weird stuff that border on creepy. You know it's true. Sometimes he's like that. Link took revenge for the accent joke with the psoriasis.

Wow we saw some Rhett teeth. Link answered sincerely with a super cute "I love your laugh" but Rhett just said "I love the sound your mouth makes when you don't chew". Oh well. Link regretted being sincere and Rhett, after some good laughter, defended himself by saying "he (Link) walked himself into it". This makes exactly zero sense and I am wondering whether he meant Link walked himself into it by choosing the vulnerable / sincere way. Or if he just didn't know what he was talking about.

Rhett then asks for the next answer to be complimentary. He then repeats he has strong feelings about Link's accent. Again, I believe this! In a positive light. IDK, I do believe this. Link said he has strong positive feelings for Rhett's car which I found weird like Rhett because I thought it was established Link has the better car of the two. Who knows, maybe he lied about the positive thing. Unless he connects it in his mind with memories / experiences.

Link's guess a little later:

Link: If I wanted to, I could easily... start over.

Rhett: Start over?! Like, whole life?

L: ...Yeah, just like, get a re-do.

R: Huh.

L: And I would be like "Really? How?"

R: Mmkay. I said "If you wanted to, you could easily kill me".

Okay, this gets a little deeper. I think what initially Link meant was a joke about starting over regarding his relationship with Rhett. Rhett didn't get that and asked him if he meant his whole life. Link considered that "mmyeah..." and realised it wasn't that far off from what he meant, all jokes aside. Link does wish he could start over and redo many things in his life. This surely has A LOT to do with their religious upbringing. And maybe how it affected Link's choices. Stevie's laughter is so out of place sometimes. Rhett does not laugh and tries to rush this moment. Rhett's answer about Link killing him is not exactly weird or offensive or mean as I saw some people consider it. It shows, maybe subconsiously, several things; Link's intensity, Rhett's pliable nature especially to Link and it might be more indicative of how Rhett feels about Link than anything else, at least in this video.

And then, out of nowhere, or maybe so it seems to us, Rhett goes ballistic against everyone. He starts complaining about those complaining when they didn't give each other heartfelt compliments. Link joked he agrees with them. Rhett attempted to let this slip although it angered him. The crew laughed with Link's joke, meaning they kinda sided with him, and Rhett turned basically mad at Link.

He accused Link that he did the same that day and Link entirely deflected the conversation. All I'm gonna say is that don't think they don't communicate with each other about how they approach certain situations. I wonder if at times they misunderstand each other or one changes opinion suddenly and leaves the other hanging. Link tries to stop Rhett from going on but Rhett is unstoppable at this point.

You might say Rhett was straight out mean right there and I sure was like "whoa where did this all come from, man" but mean is not a reasonable explanation. He was angry and his words show he is in a pressured state. Unless you tend to have mood swings, which Rhett doesn't really have as far as I know, you don't go from all cutesy and mischievous to furious in milliseconds. Except if there is an underlying suppressed cause. And you may ask, okay does he feel pressured to say a compliment to Link? Is this such a big deal? Well, yes and no. I don't think Rhett meant "we're not gonna hold hands" or "compliment each other" when we ask it. I think we know what he means. I think he's talking about the - well, in his words - elephant in the room. The actually serious consideration that there is something more there. The expectation that it might get revealed at any point - whether intentionally or unintentionally. Rhett loses control at that moment, which is why Link, who knows him well, warns him to not go there but Rhett still does. And again, you might say: well, no fan asked them to kiss or to confirm anything! We asked them simple stuff that can be normal between platonic friends too. Yes, but there is something we don't take often into account. The mythical crew. The mythical crew are actually the ones who monitor closely what the fans believe, want and prefer to watch. This means that the crew has to inform and discuss with Rhett and Link how much they are gonna please the audience and in what ways. Which means that a crew of 50+ people have an elaborate opinion on what fans think of Rhett and Link's relationship (next to their own opinion of course) and this has to be communicated with them face to face. In short, Rhett and Link have their privacy invaded not only by the fans but by their employees and, moreover, they are forced to always have fun with it and take it lightly. Again, you could think: well, they could forbid any rhink reference to the crew from now on. And you would think this WOULDN'T make the crew MORE suspicious at this point? All I am saying, they are fine when they make rhink insinuations / jokes voluntarily but most of the time is forced upon them by both the fans and employees and this can be uncomfortable at best if they are just friends or tyrannical if there is something more there that they still keep for themselves. So, Rhett's frustration comes from a deeper place than being expected to give a compliment. If I were in their place as I imagine it (I could always be entirely wrong) I would feel like a muppet trying to balance all my reactions towards thousands of people, with several dozens of them being paid by me to scrutinize me and order me how exactly to act!

There is a cut following Rhett's vent and you can see that Rhett is trying to calm himself down.

He speaks to himself, mumbling "yeah alright yeah ok ok" and by the expressions I can tell he acknowledges he lost control. That doesn't mean he regretted what he said - just that he said more than it benefits him to say and apparently he said a lot more in the unedited video. Kudos then to Link, who actively tries to calm his friend down and make him feel more comfortable.

This might be unpleasant to some but from his stance I conclude that Link agrees with Rhett or at least understands him. He was just wise enough to not say it out loud. Link first warned Rhett to not speak and then stayed quiet as Rhett was venting. After the cut, we see him trying to help Rhett calm down and relax and he characteristically invites Rhett to focus his attention on him and find something he really loves about him. This is not a complaint - Link is smiling and is warm to Rhett. What he essentially does is trying to help Rhett forget he is being watched by thousands and his every word is weighted, which of course is Rhett's main problem. He just says "forget about them and focus on me and just say something you love, it's all good". I just love Link here. He's supportive and caring.

The next question is what Link loves when Rhett blanks his blank and Rhett is trying to picture it-

I have no doubt Link loves that. The ear thumbing, I mean.

So, then I am adding the stills that redeemed Rhett in the fandom:

But not to be that person, it's obvious that Rhett plays it up a ridiculous lot. And not even to appease the angry fans but probably to make fun of their anger. That's why Link laughs with his face and his answer "I love remembering the time we met".

This doesn't interest me at all. Instead, I am much more interested in Link's nonsensical answer "I love remembering the time we died" because what?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Link tends to say occasionally stuff that doesn't make sense but I don't think he would pass on the chance to say something even remotely meaningful in an opportunity like this and especially regarding his relationship with Rhett. Link clarifies: "...when we died. This is heaven". There are two possibilities and only two: a) this makes ZERO sense and it's the worst and most pointless joke ever and b) this is symbolic or something only Rhett could understand. Rhett does not dismiss this as stupid or silly with his usual done look. He asks questions about it and they discuss at length about how it happened that they died and why they went to heaven since it seems they killed each other. Well, it's because they killed each other in the exact same time with a prod-like tool and they escaped Good Ol' God's (in Link's words) notice. Okay. I'm just leaving this here and you can all draw your own conclusions. Personally, I am torn between a symbolical death and rebirth when they left their religious selves behind and death being used as a well known old metaphor of a certain physical state. It would work even more if it was both. Or Link was just talking nonsense. Let's not exclude that. So yeah. That's all I had to say................

#rhink #rhett mclaughlin #link neal #gmmore #good mythical more #don't read if you don't like rhink #mythical corner #mythical

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whumpmatsus · 3 years ago

Note

So you can, nice.

I been wandering if you could write something about a painful love triangle between iromatsu and a new neighbor they have met and become Friends with.

She is like the epic older sister type, but with some depression and emptiness. Best if her name was Irusu. She likes to pet the sextuplets.

ichimatsu happen to fall for her thinking she is similar to him and karamatsu falling for her strong personality thinking it was beautiful.

however when karamatsu realized that ichi love her too and saw how close they are. he had a emotional battle with himself not knowing if he should choose his happiness or his brother's, in the end he chose what he thought is the best for them all and immediately give up on her and start avoiding her not knowing that the girl actually have a crush on him (lot of details, ik)

eventually the girl got hurt from Karamatsu action and blamed her foolish messed up self.

Ichimatsu who know the girl's feelings get into a fight with karamatsu and they got injured both physically and emotionally.

I don't know about the ending tho, you can write whatever you want I'm only here to give pain to my heart.

It's a bit long so take your time and don't overdo it pls, love ya💙

ahahaha sorry, was the request "yo girl how much emotional Iromatsu shit can you fit into less than 3000 words?"

... the answer is literally all of it

this was fun, Iromatsu fighting hurts my heart but also I love it, that angst is delicious :D

I made the ending vague in order both to let people imagine their own ending AND to set up for a possible sequel if anybody wants one!

love ya too, I hope this is good for you *fingerguns*

For the first time in a long time, Akatsuka Ward has a new resident.

For the first time in an even longer time, she’s been hanging around the Matsuno sextuplets as if they’re her only friends.

As far as anyone else knows, that might be the truth. No one ever sees her with anyone else aside from the times she happens to work, and the brothers all seem incredibly fond of her, so there’s really no reason to find anyone else when she has six new friends.

Irusu is maybe a strange kind of young lady, but no stranger than the rest of Akatsuka’s inhabitants, to be fair. Around the sextuplets, she doesn’t really rest in making sure they’re all taken care of and happy.

She accompanies Osomatsu to the pachinko parlor, often putting her own money into the machines so he can play. She sits next to Karamatsu on the roof, listening to him play guitar and singing along. She collects magazine articles about idols and proudly sets them into Choromatsu’s hands when she comes over. She brings over food for Ichimatsu’s cats, giving little kissy noises as she feeds them. She always offers to play baseball with Jyushimatsu, even though it always leads to exhaustion later. She displays an incredible willingness to star in selfies with Totty and makes him laugh with silly poses.

And if she’s not doing any of those things, she’s got one of their heads in her lap, stroking through their hair. More than one fight has broken out over who gets to be petted the most on any given day.

All in all, they love having her around. It’s been so long since any of them had a real friend outside the family who treated them so kindly.

Is it really any wonder at least one of them ended up falling head over heels for her?

… Actually, is it really any wonder two of them did?

Neither of them is sure who fell first, though they’re not sure it really matters since they can’t really call ‘dibs’ on a person. All they know is that Ichimatsu is drawn to the similarities between himself and Irusu, sensing a kind of heavy-weighing sadness and darkness inside her that’s not unlike his own… and that Karamatsu is pulled in by her strength and kindness, in awe of someone who can be so brave even when she’s suffering herself.

For the month or so after Karamatsu became aware of his little brother’s feelings, he’s been wrestling with his own heart. What kind of horrible older brother would he be if he stole the affections of someone Ichimatsu’s heart is also pining after? Can he even set aside his own selfish emotions when he’s never quite felt like this for someone before?

The whole thing is just awful. Often as brothers they would playfully fight over Totoko, and yet this is… different. This isn’t Totoko. It’s Irusu. It’s someone that one of them might actually have a shot with.

What is he supposed to do? For once in his life, he wants to step up and have a chance, to not immediately give in to his generosity and wanting his little brother to be happy. He wants to be happy. It’s a shame that he does want Ichimatsu to be happy, too. At the very least, he doesn’t want his happiness to have a hand in Ichimatsu’s pain.

He thinks too long and too hard. Every cheesy romantic line that he aims at Irusu and every time she smiles at him ― it’s getting more difficult to take. Every time she caresses his head. Every hug they share.

Every time he notices Ichimatsu tense up whenever Karamatsu flirts with Irusu. Every time Ichimatsu clenches his fists when she’s charmed by something Karamatsu does or says. Every time he looks angry and insecure when she calls him ‘Irusu boy’ and proclaims herself ‘Karamatsu girl’, even if it’s probably just a joke.

Those are the things he thinks he notices more than any of Irusu’s reactions.

He wants so much to be selfish, to not care how his brother feels. The unfortunate truth is that he does. More than anything, he loves all of his brothers, Ichimatsu included. If something he does is going to hurt one of them, then he doesn’t want to do it.

So last night, he did something that he didn’t truly want to do. As Irusu was leaving, he kissed her hand and told her, in a rather solemn tone devoid of his usual theatrics, “Ichimatsu would probably like it if you asked him out.”

With that, he felt like things were in place. He would keep his distance from her, Ichimatsu would get a chance to be happy with her, and… Karamatsu was sure he would find someone else eventually. The biggest problem was that in order for it not to be so painful for him, he would have to try to avoid Irusu as much as possible.

No more hugs. No more being petted. No more pretty smiles in his direction.

It’s only been a few days of it by this point. However, it’s not easy. Even though he thinks this is the best thing, that he’ll stop craving her attention at some point, right now he still wants it. Losing the closeness they’ve all become used to is one of the worst things he can think of, and it’s happening, and he’s so sure it’s the right thing…

It just sucks that the right thing can hurt so badly.

At least his little brother will have a shot at happiness.

Ichimatsu, on the other hand, is pissed.

He’s sure he must have been this angry at some other point in his life, although he can’t really remember this kind of fury burning him up from the inside. It’s probably been a while since he felt anything other than a boiling of annoyance.

He has a hard time with Karamatsu, that much is for sure, but he knows Karamatsu well enough. The man is a goody-goody, or at least he pretends to be, so he’d never do something like, say, step on Ichimatsu’s toes over a girl they both like. That much is certain.

Except the issue with backing off is that in the process, he’s managed to lodge a big, painful arrow in Irusu’s feelings. That is something Ichimatsu can’t just ignore or let slide.

Why would he do this, anyway? If he was going to let Ichimatsu have a chance with her, fine… how come he had to just start brushing her off, though? What, does he think he can’t even be friends with her in order to let Ichimatsu shoot his shot? The hell is wrong with that dumbass?

This is where his dangerous nature comes in handy, at the very least. He can’t act too scary around Irusu or he risks her being afraid of him. Karamatsu is another story.

Which is good, because he thinks his big, stupid brother needs a scare to make him realize what the hell he’s doing.

Not only is he taking away Ichimatsu’s chance of winning Irusu’s affection fairly, instead of being the ‘runner-up’ like he’s been his whole life, Karamatsu is also hurting her. She’s talked about this to Ichimatsu, and she thinks that this is somehow her fault.

She thinks she’s too messed up and Karamatsu has just lost interest in her, that she did something which turned him off. The way she buried her face in Ichimatsu’s shoulder, mumbling tearfully that she should have known Karamatsu couldn’t possibly like her the way she liked him, is a memory he thinks is going to be burned in his mind forever.

He’s mad at Karamatsu more than he’s ever been in his life. He thinks he’s doing a nice thing stepping aside and trying to give Ichimatsu a chance, but if it hurts Irusu, he doesn’t want that chance. It matters what she wants more than anything, so if she likes and wants Karamatsu, if it’s putting her in pain to have him treat her dismissively, then Ichimatsu isn’t going to just stand by. He’s gonna do something about it.

Of course, perhaps he could have been a little more composed about it than to simply walk up to Karamatsu and punch him in the face. That said, nobody ever accused Ichimatsu of being subtle.

The hit was hard enough to leave his hand aching, so as soon as it connects, he pulls his fist back and rubs at his knuckles. It hurts, yeah. There’s more important stuff than that right now, though. He stares down at his brother, who’s on the floor trying to recover, and for a long moment, doesn’t do anything except glare.

Karamatsu, meanwhile, is pinching his nose shut in an attempt to stop the bleeding from being punched in the Goddamn face without any warning. To say he wasn’t expecting the blow would be an understatement. Even when he gingerly draws his hand away with a wince, everything still throbs. “Ichimatsu, what the hell was that for?!”

“You’re an ass,” Ichimatsu hisses, taking a step closer. “You think I need your fucking pity, huh? You think the only way Irusu would choose to go out with me is because you gracefully bowed out? You’re full of shit!”

Karamatsu is on his feet in a few seconds, only to just barely catch another fist thrown at him. His arm shakes with the muscle strain of holding back his little brother’s ire. “What are you… are you angry at me for taking myself out of the running?! Any other time, you’d be eliminating the competition yourself!”

Ichimatsu throws a punch with his other hand, though it’s caught just the same. There’s too much rage and adrenaline flooding through him, and Karamatsu can’t hold him back forever. “You think you’re doing me some kind of favor?! That’s just so like you! You’ve gotta be the hero right? You stupid, chūnibyō loser! You’re the saintly big brother and I’m the pathetic jackass and you’ve just gotta help me!”

“Wha… h-hey! That’s not what I think or what I’m trying to do!” It’s starting to become difficult to keep a grip on Ichimatsu’s hands, so in a desperate bid for some space, he shoves Ichimatsu back… maybe with a little more force than he may have used otherwise. “I care about you, Ichimatsu! You deserve to have a chance, and I know she likes you, and I just thought… if I allowed her to focus on you, I wouldn’t distract her!”

Ichimatsu ends up flat on his ass, although he’s back up in only a second. “You didn’t distract her, you motherfucker! You hurt her feelings! Who cares if she likes me?! She likes you! But as usual, you had to go and fuck everything up for everybody because you were trying to ‘help’!”

This time when he lunges forward, Karamatsu is ready and they end up grappling like two bucks locking antlers. Nobody really has the upper hand unless one counts that Ichimatsu is putting a little more physical force into it; the emotional toll it’s taking on Karamatsu is obvious, though.

“She never told me anything about that!” His arms quiver as he tries to plant his feet so that Ichimatsu can’t just brute force his way through this fight.

“Should she have had to?! You said she likes me, but she’s never said that, so you could obviously read her to know she likes me! You couldn’t tell she likes you, too?! And so what?!” Ichimatsu rocks forward in an attempt to knock Karamatsu off balance. “Even if she didn’t like you that way, you think blowing her off like you’ve been doing wouldn’t hurt a friend?!”

He winds back and goes in for another punch. “You’re not a good person! You know what you are? You know what I see when I look at you, what everyone else sees when they look at you? A stupid, painful, selfish, sorry excuse for a big brother!”

Something about those words makes Karamatsu freeze. The hit lands full-force, kickstarting the bloody nose that had just stopped a moment ago. Sparks dance around his insides, prompting him to gain back awareness enough to reciprocate the blow.

Before either of them know it, they’re rolling around on the floor, kicking and hitting each other and shouting the worst things they can think of.

“Excruciating bastard!”

“Antisocial asshole!”

“Self-centered, holier-than-thou shitbag!”

“Emotionally constipated, ungrateful bitch!”

“You don’t deserve to be anyone’s older brother! You don’t deserve to be anyone’s brother, period! You deserve to be alone, because nobody should ever have to deal with you and your fucking tryhard bullshit!”

“Oh, and you’re so easy to deal with?! All any of us do is give and give and you don’t give us anything in return! Being an apathetic misanthrope doesn’t make you interesting or special, it just makes you an edgelord!”

“Edgelord, huh? Must run in the family, because you’re even edgier than I am!”

“Maybe, but at least I don’t shut everyone out and act like my brothers don’t love me!”

“Oh, you’re psychoanalyzing me now?! Fuck off! Actually, just die!”

“Is that what you say to everything?! You die first and I might consider it!”

“Great! I’m glad to die! I’ve got a noose and a beam all picked out! As long as I get to choose how you die, I’m ready when you are, asshole!”

“Please! As if I’m going to let you do something like that! What the hell is wrong with you, Ichimatsu?!”

It seems to be the turn in that direction that causes the two of them to start to lose steam. The decline is quick as all the anger between both men crystallizes into fatigue and anguish.

Karamatsu rolls over from where he ended up above Ichimatsu, and Ichimatsu lets his whole body go limp. They lie there for what feels like forever, breathing heavily, covered in new bruises and scratches and flecks of blood, too tired to fire any more shots at one another.

They lie side by side, and when Karamatsu looks over, he sees through his own blurry vision that there are tears in the corners of Ichimatsu’s eyes.

His heart leaps into his throat.

He doesn’t know how else this could have turned out, but it’s undeniable that things have gone way too far, as they always do with any of the sextuplets.

“Ichimatsu…” He reaches for his little brother, only for Ichimatsu to pull violently away and curl into a ball. It hurts, mainly because he knows that’s what Ichimatsu does when he wants the entire world to leave him be. This time, it’s Karamatsu’s fault.

“Fuck off, Shittymatsu,” Ichimatsu mumbles. It’s through experience that Karamatsu can tell he’s starting to cry; that break in his voice might not be evident to anyone except his brothers. “Whatever you’re going to say, I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t care.”

Karamatsu huffs. “Well, you should care. We can’t do this shit, Ichimatsu. What’s wrong with us? It’s not normal for brothers to fight like this. We just beat each other up. Over a woman. … A stunning woman, but―”

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Ichimatsu interrupts. “Are there rocks in your Goddamn head? Do you really think this is just about Irusu? Don’t pretend this wouldn’t have happened at some point even if she never came into our lives. We’re fucking losers who don’t know how to get along and she’s just the latest thing we’re fighting about. We’re both shitheads. Neither of us deserves her.”

Well, at least they can agree on that.

Despite the fact that Ichimatsu doesn’t turn to look at him, not even a little, Karamatsu keeps a hand on his little brother’s back. That Ichimatsu doesn’t push him away or scream for Karamatsu to get off is a good sign.

Although, there aren’t enough good signs to just magically fix this. There’s still so much wrong with the entire situation and nothing is going to tie it up with a neat bow.

They lie next to each other in silence for a long time. Gradually, the tension starts to drain out of Ichimatsu’s body, the more seconds tick by without Karamatsu moving away. His muscles continue to relax until he’s bled out of fury, until he realizes that he doesn’t wantto be mad at his big brother.

The anger isn’t just going to vanish from either of them. It’s not going to disappear because they don’t want to be angry at each other. Their exhaustion bringing true feelings out of the shadows, however, is better than making believe they would prefer staying angry.

“I’m sorry,” Karamatsu finally says. His voice is smaller than usual and breathy and sounds cracked in half by the time he speaks up.

At last, Ichimatsu rolls over onto his back with a grunt. “… I’m sorry, too.”

Karamatsu sighs and shifts his hand away to give his younger brother space. “We really are a couple of pathetic creatures, aren’t we?”

“Yep, we’re shitty.”

“The shittiest.”

They both fall silent for another moment or two. This time, it’s Ichimatsu who breaks the quiet. “What… do we do now?”

There are too many thoughts swirling around Karamatsu’s head. And he would assume in Ichimatsu’s head as well. Everything is tumulting around in an unorganized mess, too much to put together any kind of real plan.

What do they do about what,anyway? About Irusu and who gets to have a chance with her? About their own broken relationship?

Neither of them really knows what to do about anything.

“I think,” Karamatsu hums, “we should patch up our wounds before anything else.”

So Ichimatsu nods.

It’s not going to solve any of their real problems, but it’s as good a place to start as any.

#Osomatsu san #whump #Iromatsu #Karamatsu #Ichimatsu #OC #emotional whump #violence #love triangle #angst #MMMMMMMMMMM Y'ALL TASTE THAT??#FRESH ANGST RIGHT OFF THE ANGST VINE #THESE TWO HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH EACH OTHER #MAYBE THEY NEEDED TO SCREAM AND BEAT EACH OTHER UP #at least it's over! ... for now anyway XD

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gyll-yee-haw · 4 years ago

Text

Chapter 1

Professor!Jake x Reader

Series information

Series masterlist

---

I would write you a poem, my love.

(For you - Passenger)

---

You drove home feeling like the most stupid person who has ever lived.

You felt like a child who didn’t know teachers had a life when they weren’t in class.

Like he only existed in your daydreams when you couldn’t see him.

Like he waited all week to come alive to you every Tuesday.

Since when did Mr. Gyllenhaal has children? He never mentioned them.

He’s not married. You paid too much attention to his hands to miss a detail like a fucking golden ring.

This is not the 19th century, though. Maybe he just had a girlfriend. Maybe he was divorced.

It didn’t matter to you. It wasn’t about what you saw, but the realization that he loves or already loved someone else that killed you. And you were so angry at yourself for feeling like that. You had loved other men before him. And he was probably... 10 years older than you? Maybe less, maybe more. But it was pretty obvious he had his own life.

He was nothing but a teacher you were supposed to forget in a few months.

Maybe that was it. You would prepare yourself to lose him as the semester ended, but you weren’t ready to do it now.

When you entered your apartment, you didn’t feel like doing anything. All you really had to do was wake up from that stupid fairytale.

---

When you heard your alarm and opened your eyes, you wished that any kind of miracle had happened and it wasn’t Tuesday. Maybe you slept for 24 hours straight and it was Wednesday already. But you checked your phone and it said it was Tuesday.

Then you thought about skipping class. Only for a day, it wouldn’t hurt...

But what would happen the next Tuesday? And then the next one?

Sooner or later you would have to see him again. So it would be better to just end this quickly.

---

You got to college early to find a seat in the back. If you looked as terrible as you felt, you didn’t want Mr. Gyllenhaal to notice.

You sat there in silence, opening your book at a random page, so you would look busy and no one would talk to you.

“Hey.” Wes interrupted your inner drama after a few minutes. “I almost didn’t find you when I arrived, why are you sitting here?”

“Headache.” You lied. You knew Wes already thought your crush was ridiculous, if he knew all the pain you were going through at that moment, he would probably want to punch you. And you knew you deserved it.

“Well...” He sighed and took a seat beside you when he heard the bell ring. “It’s gonna pass real soon. There he comes.”

When you looked at the door and saw Mr. Gyllenhaal walking in, your heart started to hurt again. So you decided to look at your book, at the floor, at anything but him for the next couple hours.

But you couldn’t help it... you started to pay attention to his clothes, to his bag, checked his left hand again, anything that could give you a clue about his personal life.

And your head started to wonder way too far. You wondered if he ever had his heart broken. How many women had the privilege to be touched by him? What did they look like? Was he a good father? Something inside you told you he was a great father.

---

When the bell rang, you felt relieved. Now you would have an entire week to heal. To forget about him completely.

“Are you feeling better?” Wes asked, grabbing his stuff to leave.

“Yeah.” You lied again.

The class was getting empty really fast, or you were grabbing your stuff really slow, cause silence soon filled the room. You thought there was only Wes and you left, when you heard Mr. Gyllenhaal’s voice say:

“Hey, Y/N. Can I speak to you for a second?”

A shiver ran down your spine. You looked at Wes and he was just as confused as you.

“See you later, then?” He shrugged as he started to walk towards the door, while you mentally begged him to stay. If this all happened last week, you would be beyond excited. But right now, you just wanted to run.

When you realized it was only you and the professor left in class, you grabbed your bag and approached him, looking at the floor.

“Are you okay?" He asked, sounding really worried. “You didn’t seem to be able to focus today.”

“I’m sorry, professor.” You gave him a weak smile. “I’m just tired. But I’m fine.”

“Really?” He insisted. “You sat pretty far from me, but I could see that your book was on the wrong page.”

“I didn’t sleep well.” You felt the shame deep in your stomach.

Shame for both the way you acted in class and the way you acted the day before. Shame to be standing in front of him at that very moment wanting to cry like a woman who had just been cheated on.

He didn’t believe your words. He didn’t fully understand why he felt like he knew you that well, but he simply did. So he thought for a second before saying:

“Come with me.”

You weren’t sure why, but you followed him outside. If he was going to give you a “disappointment speech” or ask you to try harder next time, he would simply do it right there, so what was he going to do?

He led you to the garden near the building's entrance and looked around when he stopped.

“You’re not gonna tell anyone, will you?” He asked laughing a little.

You had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. He didn’t know what was going on inside your head at that moment. You just wanted to push him away screaming YOU. YOU. YOU. YOU ARE MY PROBLEM. But you just shook your head.

He opened his bag and started looking for something. When you saw a pair of scissors in his hand, you swore you couldn’t get any more confused. He used them to cut a rose from the garden.

“Come closer, let me show you something.” He smiled and you approached slowly. “Give me you hand, but be careful.”

You offered him your hand and he gently placed the rose on your palm. Your eyes met his as he did that and you melted, wondering if he ever showed up at someone’s house bringing them flowers.

“Today I was telling the class about the challenges of teaching Botany.” He told you. “Did you hear that part?”

“I-” You tried to remember, but you really didn’t hear a word he said that day. “I’m sorry, I don’t think so.”

“It’s fine, I’ll tell you now, then.” His smile never left his face, and he was talking to you the sweetest way he could. “We grow up listening to music and reading poetry and if there’s something artists like to talk about is flowers, right? Maybe that’s why we don’t pay attention to other structures that are just as beautiful... well, at least for me.”

You chuckled and it warmed his heart. He knew there was something bothering you that day and he was glad he could get your mind out of it for a minute.

“And it also makes people call those structures by the wrong name.” He continued. “For example, we only think roses have thorns because society believes ‘prickles’ isn’t a poetic word.”

“So... today’s class was a manifesto against social conventions? Sounds interesting.” You joked. He really made the atmosphere a little lighter. “Let’s be real, there aren’t too many pretty words that rhyme with prickles.”

“Okay, the poets are forgiven.” He laughed. “But my students don’t have to rhyme during the tests.”

“Good point, sir.” you shrugged.

“Please, just call me Jake.” He asked.

“Jake.” You nodded. It sounded silly, but it was some kind of new intimacy for you not having to treat him with formalities, even though you knew he never liked them anyway.

There was a moment of awkward silence and you tried your best to keep your eyes on the flower, because you could feel that his were on your face.

“So...” He cleared his throat. “Like I was saying...”

He proceeded to explain the difference between thorns and prickles. You really tried to pay attention this time, but your mind drifted away and focused on the way his hand softly brushed yours as he tried to show you the things he was talking about, using the rose in your hand. You also couldn’t stop wondering why he was doing all this. He had just said all of that in front of 50 students, but he realized that one of them wasn’t listening, so he decided to do it all again. It would be so much easier to not fall in love if he wasn’t so good to you.

“I mean...” He interrupted your thoughts. “I couldn’t give you all the details I mentioned in class earlier, cause I don’t want you to lose your entire break, but I hope it helped.”

“Mr. Gyl... Jake.” You were still not used to this new intimacy. Or at least, what you wanted to believe was intimacy. “I honestly don’t have words to thank you. But you know you didn’t have to do this.”

“Can I be honest with you? About the reason why I did this?” He sighed. Your heart started to beat faster, even though you tried to keep your expectations low. “I know many people are in my class exclusively for the credits. So, I don’t really care if they learn something or not, it’s their choice. But I know you’re different. I enjoy reading your essays. You’re very creative and perceptive. You know... there’s like... a group of 5 or 6 students that I would love to work on a project on my lab with. And I can’t have the number one of them missing a single detail.”

His number one. If only he knew how badly he was hurting you by saying nice things. You had to hold back the tears and decided to hide your emotions behind a joke:

“So... what am I supposed to not tell anyone? That you stole a flower from the garden or that you have a ‘number one’?”

“I guess we have two secrets now.” He laughed. “See you next week, Y/N?”

You nodded and handed him the rose.

“Keep it.” He smiled. “I can’t keep any evidence of my crimes.”

With that, he put his scissors back in his bag and walked away after giving you one last smile.

You looked at the rose and felt a single tear rolling down your cheek. It was so unfair to be special to someone for the “wrong” reasons. You knew the reasons you wanted to be special to him for were the actual wrong ones. But you would let him torture you with his own reasons forever.

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Taglist! (Pls let me know if I forgot someone, I'm not a very organized person... or if you still want to be added!)

@lady-evans @shay-vaughn @sogothiamdead @paosesposts @baby-haz @billyspotato @gyllenhaalstories @lexie-wayland @gaymysterio

#jake gyllenhaal #jake gyllenhaal x reader #jake gyllenhaal x you #jake gyllenhaal fanfic #jake gyllenhaal x y/n

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spencers-dria · 4 years ago

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The First of Many

Someone To Stay Ch. 10

Spencer Reid x fem reader

Content Warnings: *Mentions of alcohol/drinking

Y/N POV:

You roll over in bed to glance at your phone to see it's 11 AM. It feels nice to sleep in with no alarm. After putting on your glasses and slippers and finally dragging yourself out of bed, you stroll into the kitchen and pour a bowl of fruity pebbles. You put a music playlist on the TV to play in the background.

It has been almost a week since your talk with Spencer. As much as it hurt you to see him broken in that way, you felt honored that he trusts you enough to share that part of his life with you. Talking about trauma is never easy. You should know.

You think over some of the things you said to him. Spencer's entire job involves profiling people and reading every tone, every bit of body language. You are sure that he most likely noticed changes in you as you spoke about coping with trauma, but you're grateful he hadn't felt the need to prod you with questions. He had become your best friend here, but you aren't sure you're quite ready to bare the darkest parts of your soul to him.

Suddenly you hear a knock at your door, not caring if a neighbor or maintenance worker sees you in your pajamas, you stroll towards the door and swing it open. You rub your eyes under your glasses to make sure you're seeing correctly. Spencer is standing in your doorway, a sheepish smile on his face.

"Y/N I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up! I just assumed since it was 11..."

You wave, brushing off his comments. "Its fine, really. I actually wasn't asleep. I was eating a late breakfast though." You suddenly become very self-conscious, and its not just because you're in your pajamas. Spencer had seen you that way on the trip. You realize as you stand in your doorway that you're wearing a tank and tight fitting PJ shorts and your bear paw slippers. Your hair is a giant mess. You have no makeup on, which you usually relied on to conceal your less than perfect skin. You never really outgrew acne, even in your twenties. You were also in your glasses. Basically, you felt like a hot mess, somewhat like Princess Anna waking up on coronation day. Even though your movie nights had been casual, you always tried to be at least somewhat put together without looking like you tried too hard.

"Umm come in" You step aside as you cross your arms over your chest, your gaze staying on your feet.

"Sorry you had to see me like this. I thought maybe it was just apartment maintenance. I can go change real quick..."

A look of genuine confusion spreads across his features. "I don't understand. See you like what?"

You gesture to your entire body. "Like...this! I'm a complete mess, Spence." You try to keep your face down to conceal the redness growing on your cheeks.

Spencer shakes his head before letting out a small chuckle. You glance up, confused as to what about this he could possibly find funny. He better not be laughing at you, seeing as you are embarrassed enough as it is.

He shakes his head, smiling. "Silly girl."

Spencer reaches down and brushes a piece of hair behind your ear. "You always look pretty."

The voice of Mama Cass singing Dream a Little Dream of Me fills the air between the two of you. There's so much tension and you don't know where it came from. Usually you're really comfortable with Spencer. But you definitely feel butterflies in your stomach as the two of you lock eyes.

You definitely can't hide the blush heating up your face now. It seems like he is just now processing what he's said and done because his eyes widen as you see his face turn red as well. He lets out a cough, breaking eye contact and staring down at his shoes as he begins to fiddle with his hands. Your gaze lingers on his hands for just a moment before you turn on your heel and head back towards the kitchen table to finish your cereal.

Spencer follows you, hesitantly, leaning against the kitchen counter. There are a few moments of silence before he finally says "I was at a coffee shop just one block over. I had something to ask you so I thought I'd just stop by."

"Like I said before, you are always welcome Spencer. So what is your question?"

"It's probably stupid. You are more than welcome to say no. I probably would if I were you."

You laugh and roll your eyes. "Wow you're really selling me on this, keep going."

"Well... the team they uh, well sometimes they go out for drinks. If I don't go along they never let me hear the end of it. I usually end up sitting b-by myself while they all head to the dance floor. I j-just thought...I thought maybe you might..."

Spencer looks up, surprised to see you smiling and nodding enthusiastically.

"I'd love to. It's been a couple weeks since I've seen everyone. And honestly I could use a few drinks myself."

A toothy grin slowly grows on his face as he bites down on his bottom lip. He does this all the time but for some reason, today, you find your eyes staring at his lips a little too long after he's done this. Wow, he has really nice lips. Like reallyyy nice lips. How had you never noticed? I wonder if he's ever kissed anyone. He's in his thirties, surely he has. But he hasn't really spoken about past relationships. Then again neither had you.

You accidentally held your gaze on him while completely losing yourself in this train of thought. You are brought back to the present by Spencer calling your name. Your eyes quickly dart up to meet his as you realize just how far down the rabbit hole you had allowed your mind to go. You shake your head quickly, pushing these thoughts far away. It's hard enough to find a really great friend who will stick around that you can trust. You had no intention of screwing that up any time soon.

"Sorry! I'm really tired. I guess I just kind of zoned out there for a second." You quickly explain before returning to eating your bowl of cereal.

"Well I guess I should get going...I'll see you tonight?" Spencer starts to head toward the door.

"Wait! Why are you leaving?"

"Oh well I just though, well...I don't know. Are you saying you want to hang out?"

"You're my best friend here Spencer, of course I want to hang out!"

Before long the two of you had the Goblet of Fire ready to go on the TV with an array of snacks strewn across the coffee table. You noticed Spencer didn't sit on the far end of the couch this time. Instead, he sat almost on the middle. You decide to sit next to him, looking at him to make sure he's okay with it. He only gives you a smile, seemingly okay with this new arrangement.

By halfway through the movie, you had somehow ended up sharing one of your large fuzzy blankets and you had scooted close enough together that your head was on his shoulder. He hadn't said anything but you were fairly certain his breathing had changed as you'd done it.

The two of you had never been very touchy so you're not sure what had brought out this side of you today. Your thoughts start to wander again. Maybe it was the compliment he'd given you earlier. Spencer had never called you pretty, but hearing him say it gave you all kinds of nerves. You hadn't really thought about Spencer in that way. It's been years since you'd had a crush on anyone. You've forgotten what that even feels like. Surely that's not what this was. The two of you were just close. It's not like he'd ever be interested. He was a literal genius, an FBI agent, not to mention he was gorgeous. He could have any woman he wanted. Why are you even thinking about this! You don't like Spencer. Geez Y/N, get it together.

After the movie ends, you sit up and look at Spencer. "Do you need time to go home and get ready or will you be ready to leave from here?"

"Oh, I think I'm ready. I can leave and come back if you like?"

"That's silly. You can just wait here while I get ready, unless you have somewhere better to be" you jokingly raise your eyebrows and shove his shoulder. He fakes like he's been hurt, causing you to giggle. Ugh, why are you giggling? You sound like a lovesick schoolgirl.

You quickly stand up and head towards your bedroom before turning around to Spencer. "You are more than welcome to and food and drinks you find, and you can look through and find something on the TV if you'd like."

You take a quick shower and throw on a robe while you fix your hair and make up. You pull out a curling rod. You had a balayage done to your hair earlier that year, so curls really did look best, making the dark to blonde even more blended. As you look through your closet, you decide to pick an outfit that will give you a bit of a confidence boost. You pull on a spaghetti strap snug fitting maroon, velvet dress. It's a little lower cut than you usually wear, but it comes almost to your knees, keeping you from feeling like you've exposed too much skin. The back dipped fairly low, with the top half of your back covered in a piece of lace. After slipping into some strappy black sandals, you look in the mirror and admire the way it accentuates your curves. You'd been blessed with more booty than chest, so luckily you don't have to worry about showing an inappropriate amount of cleavage around Spencer's coworkers. Your legs also looked even more long and slender than usual. Yep, this was the perfect outfit.

You check your makeup in the mirror once more. Dark lipstick with smoky eye shadow and long lashes. You did this for yourself. You liked being able to feel a little bit sexy every once in awhile. You weren't dressing for anyone else. That is what you keep repeating in your head, and you will keep doing that until you believe it.

You take a deep breath to calm your nerves before stepping into the living room. Spencer is lying on the couch, reading through the book from your coffee table: Edgar Allen Poe's Complete Works. He's so entranced in the book, he doesn't notice you enter the room. Once he hears the clack of your heels across the floor he finally glances up and does a double take. Eyes wide, he opens his mouth to speak but just shuts it again. You can't help but think this was the reaction you had hoped for. Why were you dressing to impress Spencer? Maybe it's because he thought you were pretty when you were at your worst. You wondered what he would think when you put on your best. Based on the growing redness spreading from his face and down his neck, it's fair to say he liked what he saw. You could have sworn you hear him whisper a "wow" under his breath.

"I feel like I'm underdressed now." He finally speaks up.

"You look fine Spencer!"

"Fine? Fine can't compare with...with this!" He gestures to all of you.

You decide to play dumb. "I don't know what you're talking about. I just threw on a dress I thought would fit in with the atmosphere" You shrug. You want to tell him he looks more than fine. That he always looks fantastic, but you decide to keep this to yourself.

"There's nothing wrong with the way you're dressed, but if it bothers you that much I can help." You step forward and look him up and down, trying to figure out the best way to do this.

"You clearly know what you're doing," he laughs. "Go ahead."

"Ok first take off the sweater vest."

Spencer removes his black velvet-like blazer in order to remove a grey, patterned sweater vest. He's left in a dark purple button down with a matching tie, black slacks, and dress shoes.

You step closer and reach out to touch his tie, hesitating for a moment.

"May I?"

He nods for you to go ahead. You remove the tie and undo the top two buttons on his shirt. You then grab his blazer and help him to slip back into it. Lastly, you move your hand up to ruffle his hair a bit. You step back to take in the whole look.

"Well?" he asks.

You roll your tongue to the side of your mouth, biting on it as you try, very poorly, to hold back a smirk. You're impressed with your finished result.

He looks...hot. NO! Stop...nope. We're not going there. He's your best friend. That's all.

He must have noticed the way you've been eyeing him and the look on your face, because he is slowly turning a deep shade of red.

"See for yourself" you say as you lead him over toward a mirror.

After looking over his new appearance, he smiles. You can tell he feels confident like this. Confident Spencer is something you wish you saw more of. You're glad you could help him to see that he can be attractive. You wish he knew that he always has been.

"Come on pretty boy" you say, imitating Derek as you lead the two of you downstairs.

Luckily the bar is well within walking distance from your apartment. When you open the door to step outside the cool night air hits your skin, causing you to shiver a bit. You immediately feel a soft warmth enveloping your arms and shoulders. You look up to see Spencer wrapping his blazer around you. If any other guy had done this, you would certainly make assumptions, but Spencer was such a kind-hearted guy, you know he's only trying to be a gentleman. You give him a quick smile of appreciation as the two of you start to make your way to the bar.

When you finally walk through the doors, you make your way to a corner booth where you see some of Spencer's team...or your friends? You suppose they've really become your friends here. After greeting Penelope, Derek, and JJ each with a hug, you and Spencer walk up to the bar together to order drinks. Spencer orders water, which doesn't surprise you, but you've already decided that he needs a little help letting loose.

"Would you let me pick out a drink for you?" you ask, giving him your sweetest puppy dog eyes before he has a chance to shoot down the offer.

He sighs as though annoyed but his smile says other wise. "Fine, but go easy on me please."

"Two rum and cokes please, and make mine a double."

The two of you make your way back over to the rest of the group with your drinks. You listen to the four of them chat about some recent cases they've worked on. The topics don't bother you much, as you've always found that line of work intriguing. Since you're mostly listening, you finish your drink fairly quickly before Penelope speaks up.

"Enough work talk! I came to dance. Who's with me?"

Finishing your final sip, you slam the glass down on the table. You stand up to join her. "I'm in!"

JJ stands as well. "Alright, lets go, ladies!"

You hand Spencer back his blazer and look to him and Derek, waiting to see if they'll join.

"I'm feeling a little sore after that take down the other day. Maybe I'll join when I'm s a few more drinks in," Derek says.

"I'm okay for now." Spencer sees your hesitation when you realize he wont be joining. "Its okay though! Go and have fun." He gives a smile to let you know that he'll be fine. "Plus I have Morgan here to talk to for now."

"That's right, pretty boy!" Derek laughs as he throws his arm around Spencer, messing with his hair.

You laugh at the two as you turn to join the girls on the dance floor. You're grateful that those two have one another. Spencer is an only child and Derek seems to act in a big brother role. You know that it's good for him.

As you make your way to JJ and Penelope, the DJ is playing Now or Never by Tritonal. You are so grateful for a place that has good taste in music. EDM is just another one of many genres you enjoy. You and the girls are belting out the words together: "I'd rather have one night, than nothing foreveeerrr!"

As the beat builds you pick up your pace on the dance floor, giggling and dancing around with your friends. The beat finally drops and you're jumping and letting loose. You haven't had this much fun in a long time. Towards the end of the song, your gaze lands on Spencer. You notice Derek has left him to flirt with a girl over by the bar. He brought you along so he wouldn't be alone, and here you had left him. You make your way over to sit next to him after ordering two shots. You sit down next to him and slide his over towards him. He catches it as he raises his eyebrows at you.

"C'mon, you're gonna dance with us! I figure it will probably help if you drink to loosen up a bit first."

Spencer stares down at the shot in front of him, clearly questioning whether or not he should go along with this.

"You don't really have to, Spence. But I thought I'd at least try. I don't want you to have to be all alone over here. And I think you might actually have fun, if you gave it a chance. Plus, I can't dance at all! So you'll be fine as long as you stick with me."

This causes him to chuckle. He looks up at you. "Thanks, Y/N. I do appreciate it. I think everyone else has just kind of given up on asking me to join. But since you care enough to try I guess it's the least I can do."

"Woo! yes! Okay...bottoms up?" You look to him as the two of you clink your shots and down them in one quick motion. He seems to struggle a bit more after, since he doesn't do this often.

You hear Dirty Sexy Money comes on and your eyes light up with excitement. "Yes! This is a great song! Come on!" You grab his hand and lead him out to the dance floor.

You can tell Spencer is a bit unsure of himself still. You grab both of his hands and start to move him around, just trying to get him to loosen him. Both of you can't help but laugh. Neither of you are actually dancing well, just goofing off and having fun. Alcohol leaves you with more confidence than usual, so you're singing the song out loud, not caring who hears. You feel your confidence building even more. The problem with drinking is, you tend to get a bit flirty. This is usually directed at the nearest person, and it's usually the worst possible person. You begin to stop caring who's watching or how you're coming across. The song makes you feel sexy and you want to have fun.

Your dancing changes from silly to sexy as the chorus begins. You've got your hands in the air as you do body rolls. Your hips are swaying with the music. You're not sure how they got there, but before you know it your hands are wrapped around Spencer's neck. He looks so attractive to you right now. Your eyes stay locked on his as you sing the words of the song. You're feeling even more bold so you turn your back to him and grab his hands to place them on your sides. You shimmy down towards the ground and back up again. You feel him tighten his grip on you. You turn around to see a wide-eyed Spencer. His face is beet red and he's sweating despite not having danced much. You know that if this was bothering him, he would have walked away. The alcohol is keeping you from caring how this will affect your friendship afterwards. All you can think about is now. His words, his actions today, HE had made you feel confident and sexy. In this moment, you wanted him to know that. You're too buzzed and too busy taking in how good he looks to notice his eyes dart down to your lips, not so differently from what you had done earlier.

The thick tension in the air between you is quickly dispensed as the song changes. As Last Friday Night comes on, you pull Spencer over to the rest of the group on the dance floor, which now included Derek. The five of you end up singing and dancing around together, but you and Spencer can't help but stealing glances when the other isn't looking. Neither of you can forget what happened earlier. The other three share knowing looks.

As the night comes to a close, the group parts ways. Spencer opens the door for you as the two of you step outside to head back to your apartment. Most of the walk is made in silence. He passes his car outside your building and walks with you all the way back to your door. After unlocking it, you turn to him to say goodnight. Once again, your eyes land on his lips, one of his many wonderful features. You find yourself wishing you could kiss him, but your logic tells you this would not be a good idea at the moment. You are aware that your judgment is clouded. So instead, you pull him in for a hug. He buries his face in your shoulder as he whispers "Goodnight Y/N" next to your ear.

You rush inside and close the door before you have a chance to do anything you regret. After getting ready for bed, you are surprised to hear a small alert from your phone. It's a little late for anyone to be texting you. It's Spencer.

Spencer📱I had fun tonight. Thanks for making me try new things. :)

Y/N📱Me too! And good because I have a feeling that was a first of many haha

You fall into your bed, crawling under the covers. It feels comfier than usual, but you know it's because of how tired you are. You take in the feeling of the slick sheets against your skin and the warmth the blankets provide. You fall asleep with a smile on your face, remembering all the events of the night.

A/N: Thanks for reading this far! Y'all are awesome! Let me know what parts you like best!

Have a wonderful week loves 💖

#Spotify

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xanderwithanx · 3 years ago

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Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

#long post #diary entry

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