#and meltdowns cause distress mentally so

[slugass]

CW/TW: Rant, Ableism, Sanism/Saneism, Ableist Language (mostly censored), Mentions of Intrusive Thoughts (no specifics), Mentions of S/H (brief), Swearing, Mentions of Violence, Brief Arson Mention,

how fans and writers treat chaotic/violent/creepy/"unhinged" characters (pre-existing or creations of their own) ;(((((((

so fucking sick of people, writers, and fandom treating how much of a "lvnatic" or how "ins^ne" or "unhinged" or "deranged" a character is like mental sickness is a charming silly lil funny quirky "teehee VIOLENCE and MURDER!!! bwahaha!!! :3333 XDDDD/eeheehee *says the creepies thing evar* :) hehe ur gonna diiiie *grin*" trait to gush over and laugh about

and not a thing that causes legitimate suffering. It makes me angry and uncomfortable.

I am mentally ill and autistic. I am not a "kooky" ins^ne "lvnatic" with cartoony pinprick eyes whose "kookiness" comes from being unapologetically dangerous and fun at the same time because i'm so "cr^zy" and "l00ny". I don't burn down houses for teh lolz XD and fight god with wide goofy grin on my face.

I am a human being who has to cope because my mind is playing tricks on me all the fucking time. I don't listen to the thoughts in my head telling me to do horrible things. I have meltdowns, I harm myself when I'm stressed, and I want it to stop.

MY MELTDOWNS, MY "INS^NITY" ARE NOT SILLY FUNNY ENDEARING TRAITS. THEY ARE NOT A PART OF WHAT MAKES ME FUN AND GOOFY. They cause me actual distress. I do not enjoy having to deal with intrusive thoughts, having destructive meltdowns, harming myself, "going ins^ne". those are all distressing to me.

Please stop romanticizing and sterotyping mental illnesses. Stop boiling down being mentally sick to a zany "hee hee hoo hoo violent and dangerous mweeheehee so fun and whimsical!!!!!1" character quirk. Stop treating stereotypes about mental illness like charming silly aspects to gush about when discussing or making a quirky chaotic character.

DOING DANGEROUS/WILD SHIT AND HAVING FUN ABOUT IT DOES NOT EQUAL BEING MENTALLY ILL. VIOLENCE DOES NOT EQUAL MENTAL ILLNESS. SAYING CREEPY SHIT DOES NOT EQUAL BEING "PS/CHO".

[signanothername]

Can we have a more in depth look into how you think Dream and Nightmare experience autism and how it affects them?

YESSSSS LETS GOOOOO!!!!

Ok before we start this ramble, I’d like to emphasize how important the time period Dream and Nightmare grew up in, it was a time period in which anything mental health related was immediately connected with “demons” and “possession”

I like to say that the twins are masked Autistics a lot, but in truth, I like to think they both started off without masking their Autism at all, they never saw anything wrong with the way they behaved (cause there indeed wasn’t anything wrong), they were comfortable with who they were and how they behaved, it was their normal in a world that saw it as abnormal, but it was when the villagers started getting in the picture that problems started

Nightmare experiences his Autism through his special interest in learning new things and reading books, hyper empathy, isolation, avoiding eye contact, semi-repulsion to touch if he wasn’t the one to initiate it, understimulation, extreme difficulty in understanding his own emotions (and by extension, difficulty in expressing them), generally being blunt, brutally honest and direct, and selective mutism, Nightmare mostly stims by repeating certain sounds or phrases and humming

Dream experiences his Autism through his special interest in nature (especially flowers), precious stones as well as sewing, difficulty understanding social cues, selective mutism, extreme sensitivity to bright lights (he has a love/hate relationship with the sun) and loud noises, overstimulation, low empathy, and learning difficulties especially when it comes to language, Dream tends to stim by flapping his hands or stomping his feet

Both the twins perfer to follow a routine, however, Nightmare tends to plan his days carefully, and finds any change in his routine extremely distressing to the point it can cause him to experience a meltdown if he couldn’t think of a quick solution

Dream finds a change in his routine distressing too, but his reaction is a bit milder, he tends to get anxious and starts stimming to calm himself down all while he works on a way to get his routine back on track

Speaking of meltdowns, whenever the twins are extremely distressed, Nightmare is more likely to experience a shutdown while Dream is more likely to experience a meltdown, that doesn’t mean the opposite can’t happen sometimes, but it really depends on the situation

Then the villagers came and abused Nightmare into masking his Autism, using his Autistic traits as an excuse to demonize him, made comments about how he must be “possessed”, meanwhile they abused Dream into masking by making sweet tainted mean spirited comments about any behavior he exhibited that felt “abnormal” to them, they’d say things like “honey, it’s rude not to look someone in the eyes when speaking to them” or how he should “use his words” when Dream felt like he couldn’t

Both Nightmare and Dream internalized such comments deeply, and started subconsciously masking their Autism, they were children at the time after all, and especially after the apple incident, Nightmare truly believed he might be a demon or at least possessed by one for centuries after, cause for so long Nightmare couldn’t find a logical explanation in his beloved books for why he behaves the way he does

The word “Autism” never even existed back then, Nightmare spent years of his life researching for any logical explanation only to hit a dead end each time, and now that he’s out in the multiverse seeing how many people don’t really exhibit the same behavior he and his twin do, he was trying desperately to reassure himself that he can’t truly be a “demon” considering Dream exhibits the same “abnormal” behaviors (it rarely made him feel better about himself), even as an adult, the thought of being a “demon” distresses Nightmare so much that he sometimes experiences a meltdown cause of it

Nightmare eventually gives up trying to understand himself and instead starts consciously masking his Autism, he starts forcing himself to look people in the eye when he speaks or spoken to, he stops himself from stimming, he forces himself to speak when he’s overwhelmed, he starts hiding his love for his special interest (he has an entire big library of books yet he’d force himself not to spend most of his time there), he stops isolating himself and forces himself not to avert from anyone touching him, all to appear “normal”, all while it’s physically painful and emotionally draining to him

Same thing with Dream, except Dream never consciously masks, it’s all subconsciously, he forces himself to make eye contact, he stops stimming when people are around, he forces himself to act “normal” when he’s overstimulated, he forces himself to speak even when he feels like he can’t, he hides his special interest and puts on a mask of empathy even when he can’t truly understand/ tune in with the pain or feelings others experience but rather only able to understand their pain in a logical manner (and it makes him feel so damn guilty, cause Dream loves to help people, he thinks that he should be able to feel sad when others do), he pretends to understand social cues when in reality he only mimics how others act in social situations, he blames his learning difficulties on “time constraints” and how he simply doesn’t have the time to sit down and learn

Sometimes both the twins’ masks slip away when they’re extremely overwhelmed, other times, they let their masks slip when they’re alone, and it only adds to their stress cause they feel a sort of fucked up guilt and shame over not acting in a “normal” way, other times it’s a guilty pleasure, they almost reached a point in which they think their Autistic traits are some sort of privilege, punishing themselves if they mess up by not giving themselves the relief of letting the mask slip when alone (like forcing themselves not to stim)

The fucked up truth is, their masks also really impairs them socially, cause sometimes they get anxious thinking about being normal, that it might distract them or cause them to lose track of things

And even when the centuries passed by and science developed and changed and the idea of demonic possession became outdated and mental health became more prominent, and the word “Autism” came to be, neither twins really know they have Autism, neither of them even know what Autism is, Dream doesn’t have the resources to understand what it is, and Nightmare gave up trying to understand himself a long time ago to realize he’s not demonic for it

Will they eventually know about it, understand themselves better and get the support they deserve? It’ll probably take as many years to undo the damage done but I like to believe they do

A kinda part 2

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

thinking about transfem metal sonic again bc she’s like. the most transfem character in fiction whos not in any way actually transfem or coded transfem like it’s entirely unintentional and that’s what makes it so interesting to me. bc like her entire Thing is identity issues she was built to emulate, surpass, and be a superior version of sonic which like. we can talk about eggman hating sonic so much he literally made a better version of him as his own child another time but besides that metal's entire life has been being forced to fill the expectations placed on her to Be someone she can never be. and this is something that causes her a great deal of anguish! she literally has a mental breakdown over it it’s something that’s clearly traumatic and distressing to her bc she can’t do it! defeating and proving herself superior to sonic is something inexorably linked to her, and both cause her nothing but misery and are both very literally dehumanising towards her. she clings to them, bc she has nothing else and it’s the only path that she’s been allowed to even consider, but they don’t make her Happy. she wouldn’t be so fucking angry all the time if she was happy! but it’s what she’s literally been programmed to believe she wants even though chasing that ambition provides her no joy or relief.

and in sonic heroes, the pressure makes her snap. if she Has to fill the mould she’s forced into, then it’s the outside world saying she’s doing it wrong that’s the problem, because she Has to be perfect, right? metal sonic is the golden child out of all of her “siblings”, and while that means she’s not outright going to be destroyed by her father and faces much less verbal abuse and marginally more affection, it also means she’s forced to uphold the perfect image her father sees her as, else she fail and face the same treatment she’s seen her fellow badniks go through. and that image she’s always tried so, so hard to force herself to fit is that of her father's magnum opus, his masterpiece, a superior version of his enemy. and to be superior to sonic she has to Be sonic and so if everyone says she’s Not they have to be the ones in the wrong and not Her she has to be the real true superior sonic and she has to Prove it.

but the thing is, not only is she forcing herself into performing the perfect role set on her- one that’s specifically masculine- she also reinvents Herself. this is something in heroes a lot of people miss, but neo metal sonic isn’t an upgrade From Eggman to her (and also came After her breakdown, she did it Because she felt she couldn’t Beat Sonic And Therefore Be Him if she stayed the same) her neo form is entirely self designed, and it was done all by her own hands. neo metal sonic is probably the closest we can get to how metal actually wants to present herself to the world, that’s Literally just named to be the New Her, and. ma’am this is a goth girl.

like. not only is she Literally Wearing A Skirt, not only does she Literally Have Eyeliner, she's also designed in such a way it looks like she’s wearing clothes, which feels silly to bring up until you remember sonic anthro characters almost universally only wear clothes if they’re female. and neo metal sonic straight up has hatsune miku sleeves a belt with a flowy skirt and leg warmers but with spikes. like it’s already fem as shit (in a emo edgy fourteen year olds oc way) but like i'm pretty sure by mobian standards this is about as feminine as a murderous robot can reasonably get. and while obviously that doesn’t = gender, metal specifically presenting as feminine in her idealised form she designed herself, while having a meltdown because she’s unable to Be A Specific Boy and is having an identity crisis bc she’s miserable trying to chase that is… like, that’s just a closeted trans girl innit. like this is Very Obviously not the intended read but like… it’s an extremely obvious and resonant one?

metal is, canonically, a scared teenager. as in, she herself says that she was scared Before her transformation. she’s mentally like 15 afraid of failure with an abusive and neglectful father figure suffering from psychotic episodes brought about by golden child burnout. like that’s not how it’s phrased in a 2003 game rated 3 and up but that is like, objectively what’s happening in sonic heroes she’s very open about her motives that’s just canon. which doesn’t make her Trying To Burn A Toddler Alive in any way not absolutely horrible like people forget how excited she was to murder a group that included Multiple small children in it brutally she’s fucked up. but her issues with her identity are more tragic than anything. her being dehumanised and treated only as A Superior Sonic broke her. and when she finally is able to express herself in any way, she's able to present as, well, a very edgy teenage goth girl but in robot form! she’s a fucked up and evil person but she’s also unable to be her true self and she’s scared and frightened and alone. and she’s not incapable of good! she Did sacrifice her life for shadow in rivals 2 like she can care for people she’s not inherently evil she’s a Person just one that steals your IP address. but what Makes her evil is sticking to a path and presentation that makes her evil.

tl;dr: canonically transitioning would have saved her (this was not an intentional story decision they just accidentally made her ideal form goth girl hatsune miku before hatsune miku was even an idea)

[nicksbestie]

hi!! if you’re still doing requests, can i have a chris sturniolo x autistic reader in which reader has a habit of misplacing or losing things, but on a particular she keeps consistently misplacing losing a lot of things that she loves or that she needs and it all results in her having a very bad meltdown in which chris helps calm her down and eventually comforts her in the process?

Meltdown - C. Sturniolo

Summary : You're so lucky to have such a caring boyfriend who knows exactly how to help you in moments of distress <3

Warnings : Meltdown, emotional overwhelm

Word Count : 805

Pairing : Chris Sturniolo/Reader (romantic)

A/N : i loved this req!! neurodivergent reqs are amazing, please keep sending them <3 reminder that ableism is not welcome here!

There were a lot of tendencies that you loved about being neurodivergent, and a lot of the time, you didn’t view yourself as any less than the average person, but there were always a couple traits that really frustrated you when it came to living as an autistic person.

You hated losing things. Not knowing where things were made you very anxious, but unfortunately, you couldn’t seem to stop doing it. No matter where you placed things, or how many times you reminded yourself that they were there, you always managed to end up losing them. 

It was like your brain just blocked out the part where you moved them to a different location, or when someone else told you that they’d put them somewhere else, and you couldn’t find them for hours after that. It often caused you incredible frustration, especially if you’d lost more than one thing at once, and sometimes fueled you to the point of tears. You hated how much this happened to you, but you had no idea how to go about fixing it in any way. Luckily, you were very supported by your boyfriend, who was always good at finding things. 

A lot of the time, he had been the one that moved the lost items, or the one that had seen you move them, and kept a mental note of where they were because he knew you would more likely than not, forget where they had been placed. He had quickly become an expert in keeping those situations from escalating into meltdowns, but sometimes you were just so upset about not being able to find important things that there was nothing he could do except help you find them and just comfort you the best that he could. 

Unfortunately, one of those times was today. You had gone out to run errands, and Chris had come with you, even though it was just a grocery store trip. He often came with you, picking out a bunch of random food for both him and his brothers, some for videos, some just for fun. Because of this, he often wandered into different aisles than the one that you were in, thus going out of your sight. However, you had always remembered what aisle he was in, and he had always texted it to you just in case you forgot. But this time was different. 

Chris had walked away to go to the bathroom, leaving you standing by yourself while picking out the things you needed from that aisle. You weren’t concerned, he had done this before, and always came right back, so you kept moving, grabbing things off of the shelves and putting them into your cart before turning into the next aisle over. Time continued to pass and you tried to brush off the anxiety that was beginning to roll in, but after fifteen minutes and no return of your boyfriend, you couldn’t help the freaking out that was going through your mind. You began taking longer breaths, trying to relax, and moving through the aisles around you to find Chris, but when you had gone through four of them and couldn’t see him anywhere, you couldn’t deny the tears filling your waterline. 

Chris was arguably the most important thing in your life, and the feeling that you had lost him was too much for you to handle at any point in life. He wasn’t responding to your text asking where he was, and this only fueled the anxiety even more. The tears in your eyes had started falling by this point, still moving between aisles and hoping to see his familiar figure. 

Chris had no idea that you were panicking. His phone had died while he was in the bathroom, and he had gotten distracted looking at some of the weird flavors of donuts and Oreos he’d seen on a small stand. It wasn’t until he heard soft crying near him that he realized what had happened, and immediately ripped himself away from the display, turning around to see you wandering between aisles, wasting no time in getting to you and pulling you into a hug. 

Feeling the way that your shoulders shook against his body broke his heart, realizing the effects of what he’d done, despite it being unintentional. He whispered comfort to you, not caring about the people that had slowed down their walking to stare at the couple having a moment in the middle of the bread aisle, only focused on you. Apologies flew through the air along with promises to never leave you, and he refused to let go of you. He led the rest of the grocery trip, getting everything you needed for you, pausing every so often to wipe tears off of your face or to kiss the top of your head.

~ taglist : @blahbel668 @mattsgirlfrieeend @69isabella69 @mayhem-72 @iculdstealurgf @iluvm4ttsturni0l0 @sturnioloslife @heartsforkarina @nervousrebelglitter @sturniclo @elliegrace-7 @mattsturnioloisbae

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[aidenlydia]

hey ho!! the 09 simon sh anon here (what a weird title. anyways) first of all, thank you for replying! didn't know you hc simon as autistic, which makes him, in a way, even more relatable to me <33

i have another question, this time about simons and johnnys relationship. you mentioned that johnny helps simon cope, especially with his aggression / sh. do you have any specific headcanons how simon does that? do they have any specific rituals for when simon starts struggling? and also, the other way around, when johnny starts struggling with his OCD and depression?

cw: self-harm

Oh boy do I have a lot of thoughts about this. But first some definitions for those who are unfamiliar:

Autistic Meltdown - a intense response to overwhelming stress or dysregulation, leading to loss of control over behavior and difficulty calming down. Common signs include crying, yelling, rocking, pacing, dissociating, intense stimming and aggressive or self-injurious behavior (hitting, biting, kicking).

Shutdown - a form of meltdown where a person becomes extremely still, silent and withdrawn rather than outwardly aggressive.

Stimming - repetition of certain physical movements or vocalizations that autistic people use to calm themselves down or express their feelings.

Intrusive thoughts - unwanted thoughts that pop into one's mind without warning, at any time. They're often repetitive and can be disturbing or distressing.

Obsessions - intrusive thoughts that are hard to manage, get stuck in one's head and have a negative impact on daily life.

Compulsions - repetitive things one feels they have to do (mentally or physically) in order to reduce distress and anxiety caused by obsessions (to make things feel right again). One might know that it doesn't make sense to carry out a compulsion, but is unable to resist doing it.

I think the first step is being patient and not judging each other.

The way Ghost feels during and after a meltdown is complete loss of control, accompanied by shame. That's why SH is so easy to fall back to. It re-establishes some sense of control, which can be both a relief and a punishment at the same time.

Similarly with MacTavish, when his intrusive thoughts get the better of him and he starts spinning his wheels (getting stuck in compulsions and increasingly agitated) he knows he's both out of control and unable to stop it while probably being judged if witnessed.

It boils down to not being understood and feeling like everyone thinks you're crazy. Your self-esteem and sense of belonging take a massive hit. But having someone witness you at such a low point and support you through it, without thinking less of you afterwards, already makes a huge difference.

I don't think MacTavish knows he has OCD, he's probably only aware of the stereotype (obsession with being clean and organized) and thinks of his own symptoms as "a weakness" he needs to hide and overcome by sheer willpower to be able to keep his job and the respect of his colleagues.

Ghost isn't blind to it, he notices a lot of MacTavish's quirks and insecurities that others don't. He takes them seriously, wants to understand and help.

Part of MacTavish's depression is connected to his OCD - it makes him very anxious and tired. If anything goes wrong his depressed mind will find a way to blame himself and his compulsions get worse in response to his new intrusive thoughts/obsessions. Anything can become an obsession and the excessive misery caused by it makes him feel even more depressed. And on it goes.

At first Ghost falls into the trap of wanting to help and relieve MacTavish of some of his distress by accommodating one or more of his compulsions - it seems to make him feel better. However the more you give into compulsions, the stronger they get and end up making the symptoms worse in the long run.

The key to truly support MacTavish is to help him resist his compulsions. Ghost learns firsthand that endorsing the behaviors does more harm than good, including giving reassurance, which is a common symptom of OCD (and the most heartbreaking for both parties. It feels like a rejection to MacTavish and Ghost feels so mean for doing it, but it is for MacTavish's own good).

You can read more about it here: If You Love Someone With OCD, You May Need to Stop Reassuring Them That Everything Is OK

Of course Ghost can still validate his feelings, recognizing how upset it makes MacTavish and remind him to be patient and compassionate with himself while also staying consistent in his encouragement to keep resisting. Instead of trying to make the distress go away, Ghost helps him to accept it and ride it out together. Sometimes while in the thick of it they resort to distraction (doing something else to take his mind off it, which isn't exactly the best go-to coping skill) and physical affection (for emotional support). During a crisis situation Ghost will usually fold and let him give into a compulsion, he still has to learn how to deal with those.

Another thing that helps MacTavish a lot is when Ghost starts telling him about some of his own intrusive thoughts (everyone can have them). It makes him feel less alone/more normal, helps him open up more about his worries and reaffirms his belief that Ghost doesn't think he's crazy or a bad person. Remember, he doesn't know he has OCD yet.

I'm not sure Ghost would know or even suspect he has Autism either, autistic afab kids don't fit the "typical" stereotype and are often overlooked. He probably got called weird and off-putting his entire life, as well as being bullied without even realizing it. He only knows he isn't like the others and prefers to be alone because everyone understands the world and communication in a way he just doesn't.

He embraces his weirdness instead of hiding it, doesn't care if people think his mask is corny or that they should keep their distance from a freak like him. He's tired of not being understood, so he isolates himself and doesn't try to change anyone's mind anymore.

Nobody really gets him until MacTavish. He tends to leave a negative first impression; being perceived as rude, aggressive and disrespectful because of missed social cues. His meltdowns are mistaken for childish tantrums or manipulation. MacTavish can tell he's definitely odd, but he appreciates Ghost's straightforwardness and blunt honesty instead of being offended by it. Ghost responds well to MacTavish because he needs very clear and direct communication without it being condescending and patronizing, which MacTavish is naturally very good at. No mind games, no reading between the lines.

It's also why Ghost doesn't mind taking his mask off in front of him, not only does he trust MacTavish enough to be vulnerable, but he doesn't fear being off-putting or having his facial expressions (or lack thereof) misunderstood. They are similar in that regard, MacTavish has resting angry face and is often mistaken as aggressive, intimidating or confrontational because of it. Ghost sees there's a much more sensitive and thoughtful man underneath the hard exterior.

MacTavish doesn't have much experience with meltdowns, but can tell Ghost isn't escalating on purpose. It starts with Ghost showing signs of anxiety - pacing, rocking or becoming very still and quiet. He tries to calm himself down by fidgeting/stimming, bouncing his leg, grinding his teeth or biting at his lip. Sometimes he will ask repetitive questions, seeking reassurance, or become increasingly nonverbal. He is easily frustrated and has difficulty communicating or expressing himself clearly.

Meltdowns can be triggered by many things at once, a mix of distress intolerance, emotional regulation issues and sensory overloads. Meaning lack of sleep, stress, too many unexpressed emotions, change in routine/big life changes, too much noise, being touched too much, bright lights (that's why he wears sunglasses), too much smell, not getting enough air, ect. It can be completely overwhelming.

MacTavish responds by staying calm and quiet, not talking over Ghost and moving slowly. Any additional stimulus makes the overload worse. He gives Ghost space, doesn't touch him without permission and never punishes him for "losing it" during his meltdown or afterwards. He gets Ghost into a safe, quiet room or place until it's over. Things that help Ghost calm down is silence, a cold compress on his forehead, noise canceling headphones, laying down with the lights out and MacTavish's entire weight laid on top of him or something cold to drink.

After meltdowns Ghost feels exhausted and either needs some time alone to recharge or becomes very clingy for a while. He often doesn't remember what exactly happened and is very self-critical, but MacTavish won't allow him to be ashamed of himself or engage in his typical SH behavior, opting for calming affection and distraction instead.

If Ghost's urge to SH is coming from a place of anger they tear paper in little pieces together, go for a run or exercise. If it's from sadness they hold each other, listen to music, let MacTavish massage him or get out into nature. If it's from feeling numb, he's allowed to flick an elastic band on his wrists or hold ice cubes.

To prevent a meltdown or SH the trigger needs to be recognized early enough to be either removed in time or given a coping strategy. They develop a code sign for Ghost to use when he feels unstable, so MacTavish can help him regulate or get him away to somewhere quiet where they can properly communicate. The more Ghost trusts him, the easier it is for Ghost to communicate and disclose his distress. When Ghost becomes nonverbal they either write or speak in sign language to navigate the situation.

After leaving the military they struggle more with their relationship and gain a deeper understanding of each other by finally getting diagnosed. They end up going to therapy together where they learn how to properly manage MacTavish's compulsions and get him treatment for depression. They develop relationship strategies and identify Ghost's meltdown and SH triggers as well.

I think this is a good place to stop for now. Perhaps one day I'll get into my DID Ghost headcanon/ideas, but my fingers hurt from typing so it will have to wait lmao

This is a continuation from a previous post

[the-nysh]

Oh Meryl.....:') This will be a longpost commentary on the events of Trimax vol5 & 6 primarily from her perspective, so let's get into it!

Alright, so remember the foreshadowing in Meryl's line about seeing Vash's 'entire enigmatic past' from Trimax vol3?!

Well in Trimax vol5 all that becomes true! When getting 'touched by an angel' directly connects her to Vash's memories through contact with his feathers, she gets a front row seat to personally SEE, feel, and experience ALL the worst pain and trauma Vash has endured over his functionally immortal lifetime of horrors!!! Bearing witness to just how heavy a burden of sorrow and torment he's suffered carried with him that she's always wondered about; now she knows the full context of everything.

From witnessing his lone struggles as a younger child first learning how to use a gun, grinding through all his bloody mistakes, losses, and failures, to the worst calamity that he, as a transformed nonhuman 'gun' himself, became capable of unleashing on the planet: the terrifying destruction of July itself.

As Vash regains his lost memories of July through a meltdown of grief, regrets and revelations of his own (how firing his power inadvertently killed everyone he knew and loved), all at once, his pain while reliving those horrors of the past resonates to become her pain. (Remember this for vol6!)

And just to grab a mic to reiterate, Meryl is only a normal human woman here, with no special powers or superhuman training to prepare her how to handle any of this! (This disaster exceeds her realm of expertise!) She’s also the only one who gets to see, understand, and resonate with the entirety of Vash’s pain and feelings on such a direct, private, and literally mind-melding intimate level of connection. (Linking the human with the inhuman/monstrous.) So of course she’s terrified! Being thrust into such an unprecedented dangerous situation, witnessing inescapable horrors beyond human comprehension, AND by getting a very real demonstration of Vash’s power (on the verge of exploding out of control) and his transformed inhumanity RIGHT UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL!  

So it’s truly a testament to her mental fortitude and resilience that she didn’t just break from the information overload or succumb to the level of despair and terror right there--no, she bravely keeps her wits about her, and despite everything she remains on Vash’s side, shooting first to defend him (aiming right for Legato using the gun she picked up from Zazie's corpse) as the one who breaks the multiple-way stalemate between all their enemies instead! GO MERYL!!!!

(It's why this moment's probably one of my top favorites in the whole manga!!! ;o;) Cause the entire time, even while under severe mental distress, crawling through the rubble with his powers and feathers surging everywhere, Vash had kept her safe and physically unharmed within his wings, and then her first action upon surfacing was to take charge to protect him in turn!! I love it; cause even during such a dire emergency and all the mental stress she's put under while in the heat of the moment, her faith and dedication (to fight without hesitation at his side) still aim true~

And even after Legato critically pushes the crisis from bad to worse, to the point Vash is provoked into almost firing his Angel Arm in feral-retaliation to stop him (holy foreshadowing of their future duel!) with Meryl literally stuck in the middle of all this chaos (while shocked, powerless, and terrified--bless her heart) as Vash struggles to regain control of himself...

(Note: even Wolfwood was blown back by the surging energy, but with Meryl literally RIGHT THERE under Vash, it's amazing she didn't get hit being that close to him.) ...she STILL doesn't run away from him once the dust settles, and is in fact the first one to approach him in concern to ask if he's ok after...

(So whew, a relieved round of applause for Meryl remaining strong in the active face of so much strife!!) The immediate aftermath of this whole experience gives her the tangible proof and perspective from Vash to understand and fear that Knives--as his twin in power but having the actual intent to destroy the world behind it, is fully capable of ending humanity's future.

Of course, the experience doesn't also leave her unscathed without any lasting mental scars to cope with...as Trimax vol6 so graciously shows us how things will always Get Worse before they can get better...

Where sure enough, she's already having difficultly sleeping with night terrors and loss of appetite--it's honestly no surprise the terrible experience has given her symptoms of ptsd she'd be made of something unbelievably superhuman if she weren't affected, and consulting with Wolfwood unfortunately doesn't offer her anything (helpful) she doesn't already know...(cause at this point, she's literally seen more of Vash, especially the amount suddenly exposed to all at once, than Wolfwood could possibly know how to advise her on. He's still struggling with plenty of his own fears vs loyalties towards Vash himself.)

Only that he stresses the importance she weighs her options now to make the decision to quit her job while she still can (a choice and the freedom to 'get out' that Wolfwood comparatively doesn't have under direct orders from Knives) to remove herself and Milly from getting further involved with Vash--specifically the life-threatening danger he poses as a living weapon (despite his best intentions and character as a person!) set to explode with the firepower to raze the world--if Meryl values her life.

But truly, how does Meryl feel about that? What does she value and care for more, that'd be most important to her--her life or her job? Is following Vash (surveilling him for 'risk management') more than just a job to her at this point? What about her feelings towards him as a person--the man she already knows, vs her need to reconcile with the truth (that he's not even human!) that she didn't know until just recently. Is the level of imminent danger and risk she's putting herself into, now that she fully understands how dire, truly worth it (for him) this time? And if she still truly cares for him, does it even matter what he is? Despite any pros or cons and conflicting feelings about it, which will ultimately remain the stronger reason compelling her choice to stay?

Whew! She has many things to evaluate and consider going forward, especially if she wants to continue at his side. (And as Wolfwood stresses, continuing puts Milly at risk too, so that's even more weight/responsibility to balance on Meryl's shoulders.) Including processing the very nature of her fears--to identify what it is that truly terrifies her (is it truly Vash or something else?) before she can hope to face or overcome them. Before this biggest hurdle tips the scales to debilitate her resolve or outright prevents her from continuing her job at all. For now, she thinks and relates back to the firepower she gained when she first fired a gun...

And ah, HERE IT IS, she recalls what's scared her the most from her own past memories: "I gained the power of death at my fingertips. It was terrifying." Cause the first time she ever shot a person and realized the weight of the power she holds, she hated it. Shocked, collapsed, paralyzed, coming undone in the streets, closing herself off from others, regretting her action terribly... It was all too much. (Sound...familiar to the guilt and regrets of someone else we know? Meryl's shooting style is also notably non-lethal...because she too doesn't like to kill! When her first time wielding 'death' with her Derringers upset her this badly that she needed to adjust to be able to continue her job that required arming herself with this type of power...)

So remember when she resonated with the pain of Vash's memories? Seeing when he first struggled learning how to use a gun too, and all the blood and loss that accompanied it? However...his experiences didn't just end there, with only his first time shooting a person.....cause the first time he shot his real power (without him knowing what would happen) he caused the destruction of an entire city, killing everyone he loved in it! He didn't just 'gain the power of death at his fingertips,' he literally BECAME it, armed with the power to end the world. Hating and regretting his action so terribly, the catastrophe traumatized him with amnesia and led to a full-blown meltdown in grief and despair once he finally remembered. With Meryl there, witnessing and feeling all of it along with him. (His pain became her pain; his trauma became hers...)

That the sheer magnitude of wielding that kind of terror, as an intrinsic, inseparable part of himself (unlike a handheld gun you can choose to put down; he can't), let alone carrying the fear of it going out of control again if he's not careful, is indescribable. And if Meryl can now understand the gravity of that in relation to her own gun experiences (when the memory of firing her Derringers was already enough crushing weight for her to fear) then as the peace-loving person she knows him to be, who's always tried his hardest not to kill anyone, the crushing multitudes she knows he must feel now upon recovering his memories filled with so much death unleashed by his own hands must be unbearable. Feeling precisely just how much MORE terrifying and overwhelming the burden must be for him. It makes her wonder HOW can he still even bring himself to pull the trigger?!

Just look at Meryl's collapsed posture, it's the same she felt in her own past experiences...only this time it's directed in relation towards him--almost expressed in his place for the crushing weight he must feel. She's outright screaming/crying/bawling for him in empathy for the pain he must feel every time he's forced to fight and shoot someone with so much baggage behind it. Oh Meryl....:') (This is probably the strongest we've seen her cry for him...and it certainly won't be the last she cries in concern to relieve the pain of his burden.)

And Meryl, watching him fight on regardless, becomes struck and speechless for another reason, as she realizes how much his incredible strength and fortitude allow him to push past his unbearable pain to continue his job: "I felt...his determination is even stronger than the regret he carries."

Which is true, for the same stronger feeling that compelled him to stop at nothing, despite being on the verge of total collapse bearing his regrets of July, when he grit and forced himself to continue on his mission to save her from the Dragon's Nest. :') This is how he does it; how he continues to fight for what's important. (And yes she was that important, as the thought of losing her like his loved ones at July, is what fueled his determination back then to keep going.)

However, the struggle is never easy, as Vash, for his own part, masked behind his new goggle-edged glasses and kind Rem-like smiles 'as usual,' has not been coping well behind closed doors at all. (That Meryl could even sense an air of unusually 'off' distant/detached/avoidant behavior from him that she asks Milly about it.) We see him immersing himself in thousands of rounds of (non-lethal) target practice til his hand bleeds, and when drilling that level of focus + exposure isn't enough to take the edge off, he visits a church during service to hear a sermon on forgiveness...only for him to deem it hopeless there's no possible release from his sins when he can't even forgive himself, and there's even evidence he'd been drinking in not-quite-so savory (healthy or responsible) ways--unsettling even Wolfwood that something's uncannily off with him. (All being different attempted coping methods to drown out and escape the pain of his past regrets, but even Vash knows it's impossible now to forget...)

So all it takes is one slip-up when he's depressed off his game for everything to tumble into a trainwreck... Where Meryl seeing him block a bullet with his powers (instead of his usual self-aware dodging?) triggers all that terror to come flooding back into a panic attack.

Where it's truly unfortunate (and oh it hurts...) as an accident, something involuntary--a messy, instinctual reaction completely beyond either of their control. Cause Meryl didn't anticipate her ptsd to manifest and incapacitate her like this! that a single flash of his feathers would remind her of Everything--of all the worst horrors those powers are capable of when unleashed, the weaponized death and terror it represents, and the very moment she felt and experienced all of it while trapped powerless and panicked to do anything... No no no, returning to that headspace is horrible; it's all still too fresh to relive and TOO MUCH trauma for a human like her to bear; she couldn't help coming undone in the streets in a far worse way than she's ever had before (and I don't blame her.)

And Vash didn't mean to publically out himself as a nonhuman 'monster' to everyone either, when tensions were already high following Knives' mass murders for them to link the same culpability towards him, while he's still struggling to get a handle on his newly awakened powers too--ohshit indeed when they suddenly manifest and the truth breaches containment freaking everybody out in a witch-hunting mob of scorn, fear, misunderstandings, and hatred. (Ouch...)

What's more, Vash probably didn't even know Meryl had seen his memories, or had been affected by his trauma to such an overwhelming degree--since the transfer happened more as an autonomous side effect of his powers activating rather than anything he purposely intended....(once again, unintended consequences beyond his control; he never meant to cause any of this harm!!) So from his perspective he probably doesn't fully understand how to interpret her distress (apart from the crowd's?!) or know what to do to help. Cause reactions from strangers are one thing to bear, but if he sees her reaction to him--and his nonhuman display, as anything like theirs...then it's so much worse cause it's Meryl, who's known and been with him since the beginning. She's someone important he cares for...and now she's hurt and visibly scared from yet again another mistake he can't undo. ohno ohno he knows he messed up...

(Plus poor Milly has no context to understand what's wrong, or why Meryl's so upset either, since she'd been knocked out during the later parts of the Dragon's Nest to know what happened. So now she's alarmed and concerned trying to process why everything's suddenly gone to shit, anchoring Meryl the best she can, while shaken by the pain and cruelty Vash endures in such a situation masked with a smile...)

Despite the stones thrown by the crowd (nooo~) Vash's first priority concern is to run straight over to check on Meryl...

*And here's where I scream bloody murder* Cause that single flinch--from reaching towards her with that arm too, probably hurts him more than any of those stones thrown at him in hatred and revulsion that he's a monster. Cause to him it probably reads as a perceived rejection from Meryl (noooo~), and the amount he's hurt from realizing he's the one who hurt her this way....ohhhhh his crushing guilt must be heart-shattering...;A;

But there's no time, as before Meryl's even ready to speak or clarify how she feels, the choice she previously had on whether she wants to leave or stay is taken from her as Vash is the one who's forced to leave her instead. :')) The only thing Vash can do is repeatedly apologize as he runs away he can't even say goodbye--Wolfwood has to say that for him...and admit to Wolfwood how much he 'really feels like crying.'

(And once again poor Milly, left with no other explanations, can only read how much his pained empty mask of a smile has broken...)

What sucks even more, is knowing how much Meryl had already empathized with his pain (she could already feel that strongly for him!) and being in no condition to explain herself or her fears to him, once her panic subsides, she's bound to feel that much more terrible with guilt from realizing how her reaction (especially her flinch) had unintentionally hurt and pushed him away....leading towards a bad result she simply couldn't help and had no power to change...what a disaster.

But is someone as usually brave and tenacious like Meryl going to let that be the end of it? Broken on a disastrous parting and painful misunderstanding (she never meant to 'reject' him!!!) she literally had no say over? What of her brand of determination--especially towards what she feels (and decides) is most important, becoming stronger than the pain and regrets she carries? (Just like Vash! Can she find it within her to continue, or start over, inspired just as he does?)

Her struggle now becomes finding that strength (even a driving belief) to tentatively (re)build that trust and acceptance between them towards recovery. To endure, fight, and conquer those horrors to bridge (reconnect) the gap between the human and monstrous that separates them. (Especially if she truly cares and wants to do it--for the sake of what Matters, for what'll make the effort Worth it.) It'll be huge and seemingly insurmountable for any other person bearing the same strife she carries, but you can do it Meryl, I believe in you~~

[tinydefector]

Hi its me again, feeling a bit in the dumps today so was wondering if you could do any bot of your choice comforting gn!reader after a fight with someone they're close with? Reader thrashed their room and hurt themselves in the progress bcz of the stress and the bot helped them calm themselves down from their panic attack, praises and comforting words.

I had to check your rules if this sort of thing was allowed or not. Srry for the inconveniences!🎀

AFTER THE STORM

Worm! You're always welcome ^^, I may have sped off to make this. It'd not as long as I was hoping to make it. I do hope you enjoy it. Make sure to take some time for yourself, and if you're hurt physically, please make sure to see a doctor.

And I don't have a lot of things I won't write, but please take care of yourself

Rung x human reader

Word count: 1.4k

Warnings: mental health, slight injury

Request and ask open, read pinned post

Rung masterlist

__________________

Rung's audials perked up at the sound of chaos emanating from one of the suites. The clattering of objects being hurled and the echoes of raised voices filled the air, causing confusion and concern among the crew. It wasn't long before Skids, with a determined grip on Rung's arm, forcefully dragged him towards the suite's entrance, attempting to explain the situation. “Had a fight or somethin, could over hear em while I was in the vents, but your the best with this kind of situation” Skids states. 

As they neared the suite, the commotion grew louder, the sounds of distress and frustration mingling in the air. It soon became apparent that the source of the disturbance was the human onboard the ship. Rung's spark sank with empathy as he realised that they were having a meltdown, their emotions manifesting in the destruction of their surroundings. The room had become the unfortunate recipient of their turmoil, bearing the brunt of whatever happened.

As they reached the suite's entrance, Rung took a deep breath, steeling himself for what lay beyond the doors. With a gentle nod to Skids, Rung stepped forward, his voice soft and reassuring. "Thank you, Skids. I'll take it from here." He approached the door, his spark filled with worry.

Small sobs leave their lips as they curl up into a ball beside their bed blanket wrap around their body. "Go away!" Rung's spark ached as he entered the dimly lit room, his optics adjusting to the smaller space. The sight of the human curled up in a ball beside their bed, their body trembling with sobs, tugged at his empathetic nature.

He took a cautious step forward, mindful not to intrude further into their personal space. Rung's voice was soft and gentle as he spoke, understanding the need to approach with care. "I'm here to help, but only if you want me to be. I won't leave you alone, it seems you have had an eventful night” Rung found a spot nearby to sit, positioning himself at a respectful distance. 

 “Can you list five things you see around you? It could be a pen, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings” He asks ever so softly, moving closer to them. “ my bed, my blanket. Your optics, my hands and your glowing stuff” they stutter thought sobbed breaths. As Rung adjusted his position to sit on the floor, he noticed the human's need for closer comfort.

 Their head pressed against his chest, seeking companionship and a sense of security. Without hesitation, Rung gently lifted them into his lap, cradling them with a comforting embrace. He carefully wrapped the blanket around them again, he can feel something wet against his leg, as he presses a hand to it and brings it up to his optics for examination. It's blood from their foot, he lets out a shuttered vent as he holds them closer. 

“ four things you can touch or feel.” He states again this time, slowly rocking them back and forth against his chassis his optics flicker down to watch them as he discards his glasses off to the side. “My blanket, your chassis, my foot bleeding, you.” They call out their answers again, They slowly wipe tears from their eyes as they look up into the bright blue glow of rungs eyes and chest. 

“You're doing very well, I'll have a look at your feet soon, I need you to be able to talk to me though, just a few more I promise,Three things you hear. This could be any external sound.?” Rung's tone carried a genuine concern, a sincere desire to be a source of comfort for the human. He knew that sometimes injuries happened when things got too heated. 

“The Ship, my heart, your Voice” they call out, eyes closed as they press closer to him. 

“Two things you can smell.” He asks again, continuing his small line of questions. They take a deep breath trying to smell the amount of mucus that had built up from them crying and their  nose running “ the Polish you use, and WD-40?” They ask almost confused, it makes Rung chuckle. “ yes it's similar, I use ot to make sure my joints don't Cease up, also helps prevent rusting” he replies while running a thumb against their face wiping the tears away. 

“One more my dear, a thing you can taste. What does the inside of your mouth taste like, gum, coffee?” The soft blue glow from his optics and chest served as the only source of light in the dark room, casting a gentle illumination that seemed to envelop them both in a comforting embrace.

“Salt” they take a shaky breath, they have settled down as Rungs cradles them. 

"I'm here with you, my dear. Take your time, allow yourself to breathe. I won't rush you or push you to share more than you're comfortable with. Just know that I'm here to listen, to support you. May I?" He asked while gesturing to their foot. 

They move slightly, letting Rung have a look at the injury, he can see the cuts from glass but they don't seem to have anything stuck in it which is a relief. "Oh my you have done yourself a good one, well get that checked my First-aid” Rung hums, his voice a soothing presence in the room. He lets them move again, they snuggle up close to him again, the soft hum of his spark seems to settle them. 

 "Which one of the bots sent you?" they asked softly, their voice filled with curiosity and vulnerability. Rung's optics dimmed slightly as he gave a small, wry smile. "Ah, the ever-inquisitive mind of yours," he replied, his tone gentle yet laced with a touch of amusement. "It was Skids, my dear. He recognized your distress and sought to provide you with the support you needed." Rung's voice held no judgement or criticism, only a simple acknowledgement of the truth, Skids had been the one to bring him here. 

"I must say, though," Rung continued, his voice filled with warmth, "I'm grateful that Skids got me here quickly” His words carried a genuine sincerity. They lay against Rung, pressed against the centre of his spark chamber watching the dancing blue light. 

"Rung... am, am I a bad person?" they asked, their words filled with uncertainty and self-doubt, the weight of their emotions pressing heavily upon them. Rung could sense their reluctance to delve into the details of what had happened, their desire to shield themselves from the pain it brought. He respected their need for privacy, understanding that some wounds were too raw to be immediately shared.

His optics filled with a mixture of compassion and determination as he responded, his voice gentle but firm. "My dear, no one is inherently good or bad. We all have moments of darkness, moments where we question ourselves and our actions. It's a part of being sentient, What matters is what we choose to do with those moments." Rung's words carried a depth of wisdom.

"You are a complex being, my dear," Rung continued, his voice filled with reassurance. 

As he spoke, Rung gently tightened his hold on them. “Are you feeling up to facing Ratchet or would you rather be one of the other medics?” he asked while pressing his chin to the top of their head. 

They lay there for a moment debating on what to do. "Can... Can you take me to Ratchet? I stepped on and broken glass, I don't think I'll make it there with everyone looking at me" they whimper while clinging to him.

"Of course, my dear," Rung responded softly, his voice filled with kindness and understanding. "I will gladly take you to Ratchet, no more tears now sweetspark."

With utmost care, Rung shifted their position, ensuring they were still cradled securely in his arms. He knew that their injury required attention, and Ratchet was just the medic for it.

"Let us make our way to the medbay," Rung suggested, his voice soothing and supportive. "I will shield you from prying optics as we navigate the ship. Pull the blanket over your head if you need to. " As Rung carefully rose to his pedes, cradling the injured human in his arms, he made sure to shield them from unnecessary attention. With a determined yet gentle stride, he navigated the corridors of the Lost Light. “your stronger than you believe you are my dear and I'm very proud of you” he states while walking 

[imagine-darksiders]

Okay okay, so I know you’ve already done the horsemen’s reactions to y/n being cursed into a child, (it’s one of my favorite imagines btw it’s so cute lmao) but going a step further, what would their reactions be if she was hit with a curse that temporarily turned her into a whole baby. Like chubby cheeks, baby giggles and the works. I can see death absolutely being so done. And war would be on the verge of a breakdown after one day.

Death: Poor Death... As if you weren't already the cause for enough of his stress. Luckily for you, however, the coldest and harshest of the Four Horsemen is... something of a pushover when it comes to babies. Especially if that baby happens to consequentially be his one and only human friend. As soon as he realises what happened, he has to keep himself from flying into a meltdown, for your sake, if not the sake of his pride. He's a little smothering, but speaks to you as if you're still an adult. If he ever manages to turn you back, he really hopes you won't remember how often he'd let you gum curiously at his fingers whilst he watched on with a fond expression hidden beneath his mask.

Strife... Well, this is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because this is about the funniest, cutest thing he's ever seen in his entire life, but it's a curse because now he's the sole Horseman responsible for a tiny, vulnerable baby Y/n who has absolutely no self-preservation skills nor any motor functions.... At least you still seem to find him funny.

War is immediately reluctant to even hold you, worried to death that his titanic strength and size will make him even more hazardous to you than he already was. The Horseman is, nonetheless, forced to keep you secured in his palm at all times, because apparently, you have a habit of wandering off and nearly giving him a heart attack. He makes a mental note to apologise for every time he'd ever given his eldest brother trouble when he was nephilim youngling...

Fury would lose her mind with distress. She's the last being in the Universe who should be taking care of a baby. She immediately tries to hunt down a maker, preferably one with magical prowess so she can kill two birds with one stone. First, every maker she's met has been stupidly protective of humans, especially human younglings. And if she can find a shaman, they should, in theory, help her get you back to your normal state.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hey I dunno if you’ve gotten this before but. Do you have anything on autism and DID/OSDD? Specifically resources or accounts and such (since I’ve seen the positivity post)

I struggle with emotional dysregulation, big memory issues (huge chunks of childhood and adolescence missing, forgetting things constantly, dissociating emotions from memories, etc,) frequent daydreaming/spacing out/dissociation, that type of thing (and a bit more that’s a little too complicated to explain in an ask lol)

I’ve always kind of figured it was just part of me being autistic (I’m professionally diagnosed and definitely very autistic regardless lol), but I’ve recently gone down a bit of a rabbit hole relating to plurality and now I’m wondering if it could be a symptom of DID/OSDD instead/as well (I was originally looking at something else and stumbled into the tags somehow. The original thing that led me here was foxes. I think. And then I had a bit of a panic as I realized how some of the symptoms were VERY close to some of my experiences. Especially the memories.) but i also can’t tell if it’s just some sort of brain fog(???? Is that the correct term?) / alexithymia / Unknown Autism Trait 3 that nobody ever talks about and is difficult to find any sort of explanation or resources for. And my brain protested and had the equivalent of being on the verge of a sobbing meltdown or mental overload of some sort when I tried to think about stuff relevant to the topic so I don’t think it’s going to be of much help to me right now.

obviously not asking for diagnosis or to self diagnose at all (since. I understand you cant really do either of those /lh /nm) but I’m curious if any of you know of any resources relating to this specific type of stuff? I feel like I’d go insane trying to find any info on it. (And also I don’t think my brain would want to cooperate if I asked it to because it basically shuts down, gives me a headache, and turns to a pathetic wet sobbing cat whenever I try to think about the possibility so I doubt I’ll be identifying as anything anytime soon but. I want some stuff to think over at least.)

hey, we also are autistic and have dissociative identity disorder. unfortunately, there isn’t really too much research on the overlap between autism and complex dissociative disorder diagnoses at this time, that we know of, but we do think that autistic people may have a higher likelihood of dissociating and developing a cdd than neurotypical people.

we really love mike lloyd’s work at the ctad clinic, and he has an insightful video on the intersection of autism and dissociation here:

here is an open access paper by katherine e. reuben and ayden parish on dissociation as a symptom in autism - it’s an interesting read and wasn’t too difficult for us to parse:

also, here are a couple life experience pieces by folks with both did and autism:

our own autism has contributed to our trauma history in how we were treated, formed attachment, and understood the world as a child. for our own system, our autism and our did are inextricably linked. we are certain that many other autistic systems feel the same.

if exploring this possibility for yourself is causing you great distress, it may be for the best to put this off to the side for now until you have reached a point with more stability or a greater support system in your life. please don’t overwhelm or cause yourself harm by looking into this possibility on your own, if it is unhealthy for you.

if you are in therapy or have a mental health professional in your life who you trust, this would be an excellent thing to bring up to them. though hopefully these resources can help you get started learning about this topic if you have the spoons/ability to do so.

we are no medical expert or research professional, but we are happy to talk more about our personal experience of being both autistic and a did system if anyone would be interested. best of luck to you, anon, with figuring this out. we know how confusing and challenging it can be!

[lunarlegend]

vent post.

i'm really fucking sick of the way people use the internet to diagnose themselves with autism.

i used to support self-diagnosis because mental healthcare is extremely flawed, and i understand how difficult it is to find a good therapist/psychologist (not to mention how draining the whole diagnosis process can be). i also understand that there are legitimate reasons for not wanting an official diagnosis, because of how prevalent ableism still is, and how disability is treated in many places.

however.

this current trend of using autism as the latest "uwu i'm so autistic" internet craze is unacceptable, and it's drowning the voices of actual autistic people.

social media has taken all the "cute", "endearing", and otherwise "pretty" aspects of autism and left the rest, so us real life autistics (whose autism is DEFINITELY not always pretty) become overshadowed in our own spaces and get treated like we're weird for displaying actual traits of autism that aren't just "really liking a character" or "getting startled by a loud noise".

i got professionally diagnosed with autism in 2001 at the age of 12, after years of my parents being told i had "emotional problems" because no one knew how else to explain my "temper tantrums", which were actually intense autistic meltdowns that i'd have every time plans got changed or something caused me to get sensory overloaded.

i would lose sleep, tossing and turning in my bed to the point of tears, because i couldn't stand the texture of my flannel pajamas on my skin. i would endure hugs from my mother that were supposed to be comforting, because her light touches actually caused me pain.

i was constantly dragged around, forced into situations that made me overwhelmed and uncomfortable, and then blamed when i became so upset i couldn't calm down. things that most kids would enjoy, like a daytrip to an amusement park, overloaded my senses to the point where i couldn't sleep afterwards because all the lights and sounds and smells would stay stuck in my head for hours.

and that's not even when it got "bad". because as i got older, i started having shutdowns instead of meltdowns. shutdowns meaning, my brain would go into lockdown mode as a defense mechanism, and i'd lose my ability to speak or make eye contact with anyone. this happened anytime i was forced into an uncomfortable situation, and i had absolutely no control over when i'd be able to talk or look at anyone again.

and guess what? all of this came right along with my special interests, and social awkwardness, and all the "cute" parts of autism that the internet loves to romanticise. because actual autism is distressing. it causes you to be misunderstood and isolated. it causes adults to not know how to care for you or react to you. it causes you to hate yourself for no reason, because obviously you must be the problem.

i'm happy to say that, as an adult in my 30s, i no longer feel ashamed for being autistic, and i've long since forgiven myself for the ways i had to survive when i was younger. but i still get sensory overloaded. i still have to avoid certain textures, certain places, certain smells. i still hate to be touched. i still suck at socializing (even though i've become REALLY good at faking it).

the difference is, i have control over my life now, when i didn't before. and i can prevent myself from becoming as upset as i once did. but a lot of us aren't so privileged. there are plenty of autistic adults who cannot care for themselves, and who still experience meltdowns and shutdowns the same way i did when i was a child. because autism isn't pretty. and it's considered a disability for a reason.

all of which is to say, i'm absolutely fucking tired of seeing the word "autistic" thrown around like any old adjective in half the profiles on this site. if you actually think you're autistic, go talk to a professional. if you decide not to seek a formal diagnosis after that, fine. but at least you got an opinion from somewhere other than a fucking tiktok video. and if all you're going by is a fucking tiktok video? then you're probably not autistic and you have no right to go around describing yourself as such.

[writinghotchner]

Twas The Night Before Christmas...

fandom: criminal minds pairing: emily prentiss/aaron hotchner rating: E words: 2,106 tags/warnings: no warnings, mentions of christmas and baking, dad girl!aaron, cute family fluff, slightly distressed emily

Click below to read, or read on Ao3!

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for Aaron and Emily's 1 year old daughter who was wrecking havoc with the kitchen cabinets. Her new favorite thing was to stand in the kitchen and slam the cabinets repeatedly squealing the loudest, happiest squeal imaginable.

As soon as Charlotte was able to stand on her own, all she wanted to do was slam anything that had doors. The cabinets in the kitchen once had baby-proof locks on them all but Charlotte quickly let her parents know just how much she hated those dang contraptions, so Aaron removed one from them just so she could slam it closed in happy bliss. They'd easily admit to enjoying hearing her laughing screams over her angry ones any day.

Emily stood in the kitchen trying her hardest not to have a complete mental breakdown as she desperately tried to finish baking cookies for Dave's big Christmas party. Dave took on cooking the actual food and Emily had volunteered to bake some goodies since baking was more her forte than actual cooking.

Between the loud commotion of her daughter's gleeful screams, the very loud repeated slamming of her kitchen cabinets and forgetting where she put her grandmother's famous cookie recipe and having to do it completely by memory, she was on the tail end of an overstimulated meltdown.

Just as she was about to grab her phone and call Aaron to see what was taking so long at the store she had sent him to (she already knew- it was Christmas Eve, the stores were probably packed with last minute shoppers), he came barreling into the house covered in snow and quickly throwing out an apology.

Charlotte only stopped slamming the cabinet doors once she heard her father's voice and quickly pushed herself back onto her butt so she could crawl over to her mother. Emily was rounding the kitchen island to get to the oven when her daughter latched on to her leg and helped herself up by bunching Emily's pajama pants into her little fists and babbling 'ma ma ma ma' over and over again until she was picked up.

"Hang on, baby, I need to check the cookies real quick," Emily told her as she shuffled her feet slowly across the floor as to not knock Charlotte down. Aaron nearly sprinted into the kitchen, setting the brown paper bag full of Emily's requested items onto the counter.

"Sorry it took so long," he apologized again. "There were surprisingly a lot of people at the store fighting for what small amount of things were left on the shelves."

Emily hummed a response, letting her husband know she heard him but didn't say anything further. Charlotte still clung to her pants leg still yelling for Emily to pick her up. Emily closed the oven door after quickly checking the cookies and then picked up her daughter who then immediately almost launched herself out of her mother's arms to get to Aaron. Emily quickly tightened her grip on her before she could fly out of her arms which only caused Charlotte to yell. Aaron stepped up to them both opening his hands up for his daughter who squeaked as she clambered out of Emily's arms to get to his.

He watched his wife sigh and close her eyes. Her tongue darted out of her mouth to quickly wet her lips. Aaron reached over to grab her wrist, running a soothing thumb over it. "Go sit down and take a break. I've got her and I'll keep an eye on things in here."

She quickly leaned over to kiss him on the lips and then eagerly left the kitchen. She all but ragdolled onto the couch throwing her head back against it and closing her eyes. The kitchen wasn't too far away from where she was, but far enough away that everything was quieter. She sucked in a deep breath to collect herself and relax. She loved her daughter, but this stage of banging on everything and constantly screaming for one of her parent's to pay attention to her was driving her mad, especially since she'd been home all day with her and didn't have a lick of time to herself- minus the whole thirty minute nap that Charlotte had earlier in the day. It was nearly 9 pm and Emily wasn't sure how their daughter was managing to stay awake with so much energy after only having such a short nap.

She was quickly knocked out of her thoughts when she heard the cabinets slamming again. She sighed with a chuckle when she could hear her yelling 'da da da da' over and over again and Aaron playfully yelling over the slamming doors.

She was about to abandon her semi-quiet alone time when she saw Aaron out of the corner of her eye. He stepped into the living room with Charlotte under his left arm like he was holding a football.

"The timer for this batch went off, do you want me to put them in the containers and put in the next batch?" He dramatically bounced their daughter which caused her to full on belly laugh, he legs flailing wilding behind him.

"Yeah, go ahead, I'm right behind you."

"I got it, you can stay there."

She stood up anyway, playfully rolling her eyes at him. "I still have to make the brownies." To which he easily responded, "I can do that, too."

"I know you can, but it's hard to do all of that when you have a one year old glued to you, trust me." She reached her arms out for her daughter and Charlotte giggled loudly as Aaron pretended to drop her. "Mama!" Charlotte yelled reaching out for her, her whole body shaking in a giggle fit.

"Oh, mama can't save you!" Aaron cackled. Keeping her side-ways under his arm, he bounced off to the kitchen, the small amount of hair on her head bouncing with her father's exaggerated stomps.

Emily followed laughing at their silly antics. Aaron maneuvered Charlotte right side up so that she had her legs around his back and chest, and his arm underneath her butt. He pulled the cookies out of the oven and began putting them in the containers on the counter. Emily joined him, helping him with the lids since he was one-handed. As soon as Charlotte saw her, she started crying for her and kicking herself out of Aaron's arms.

"Whoa, Char. You're gunna fall if you keep doing that," he told her as he quickly used both hands to grab her. Of course that didn't stop her, she kept kicking her feet and yelling for Emily until she finally stepped back and let Charlotte practically fall into her arms.

"I got this," Aaron told her again, nodding to the cookies on the counter. She stood back, not really having a choice as her daughter clung to her chest. She pressed her face into Emily's neck, wriggling her nose as if trying to burrow into her mother's skin- a tell tale sign that she was getting tired.

Emily held her close, resting her cheek on the top of her head. "Are you ready for bed, sweet girl? It's been such a long day, hm?"

Of course, Charlotte protested. "Okay, okay." Emily chuckled. "Do you want down?" She tried to lean down to set her feet on the floor but Charlotte clung tighter to her and whined.

At that, Aaron turned around opening his hands back up to his daughter. "Wanna help daddy put the cookies on the baking sheet?" She grunted a mean noise, adjusting herself in Emily's arms, hiding her face even more in her neck.

"You've had mommy all day. Can I have Charlotte time?" Charlotte pulled back slightly from her mother to look at Aaron and whined another angry noise, this time with a playful, albeit, mischievous smile on her face.

"Okay, fine. Can I have mommy time? I haven't seen her allllll daaay." He stepped up to his wife and quickly pecked her on the lips, leaning over their daughter to do it which caused Charlotte to take her foot, plant it directly on his chest and shove him away.

Emily snorted a laugh. "That's not very nice, Char." Charlotte only giggled.

Aaron tried again, this time purposely smooshing Charlotte between them, his arms circling around Emily and slightly squeezing. "Mommy and Char time it is, then." He kissed Emily again and then kissed the top of their daughter's head. She didn't protest this time.

"Want me to put her down?" Aaron asked, his arms still around them. They began to slightly sway. Charlotte let out a small yawn, rubbing her face into Emily's chest again, her eyes drifting shut.

"If she'll let you."

Aaron pulled back and took her out of Emily's arms easily, the toddler quickly giving up the fight to stay awake. Aaron hugged her to his chest, kissing the top of her head again before kissing Emily again.

"Be back in a few," he told her and then disappeared out of the kitchen.

Emily busied herself with placing the cookie dough on the baking sheet and putting them in the oven and then starting the brownie batter. She was putting the last of the cookies into the containers and shoving the brownies in the oven when she heard her husband walk back into the kitchen.

"She go down without a fight?" She asked closing the oven door and turning to face him. She leaned her back against the counter while she used a towel to wipe her hands.

Aaron chuckled. "She kept asking for you, but we managed."

She smiled at him and he was quick to step up to her, kissing her once again and pulling her into a proper hug. "You okay?" he asked.

Emily hummed thoughtfully. "Yeah, it's just been a day. She only went down for a thirty minute nap around noon and she's been an energizer bunny ever since."

"I'm sorry I couldn't come home sooner," he tells her almost sadly. She huffs a laugh. "It's not a problem, honey."

"I know, but I know what it's like to be alone with her when she's in her full on energizer bunny mode. Remember when you went out with JJ and Penelope a few weeks ago and I was only here with her for three hours? I almost called you crying."

She full on laughs at that which causes him to smile. "Are you tired?" She asks him suddenly. He cocks an eyebrow at her. "Why?"

She lets her arms that are around his neck fall to his chest. "We can finish this up and...go to bed." She licks her lips, pulling her bottom lip in between her teeth.

"This your way of asking for baby number 3?" Aaron wiggles his eyebrows at her. She slaps his chest. "If you knock me up with baby number 3 any time soon, I'm kicking your ass."

"Promises, promises," Aaron says, stamping his lips to hers again.

" Oh, Jack called earlier, wanted me to tell you Merry Christmas."

"Ah yes, baby number 1. He having fun with Jess?" She leans her head down on his shoulder.

"From what I can tell. She got him a new bike and gave it to him early so he's been outside most of the day."

She hums. "That explains why he didn't answer his phone when I called him this morning."

"Boys and their toys." He says, pulling her even closer to him, giving her a small squeeze.

They stood like that for a while before Aaron pulled away. "We have a few minutes on these brownies, why don't you go get ready for bed. I can finish up in here."

She tried to protest but he untangled her from himself and nudged her towards their bedroom. "You've been on your feet all day, go get in bed." He nudged her towards their bedroom, swatting her butt playfully as she sauntered away.

"I can't promise I'll still be awake when you get done." She says over her shoulder.

"That's okay," He tells her. "I can have fun without you."

She turns at that, bursting into a loud laugh.

"That's not how baby number 3 gets made, honey." She throws a quick wink and smile at him before she dips inside their bedroom, closing the door behind her.

Aaron stood in the kitchen dumbfounded and desperately trying to speed up time so he could get these brownies put up and make his way to his wife.

[wormeats]

hello gay autism website, advice for meltdowns and burnout?

preventing meltdowns and dealing w them if they occur, recovering from burnout after a lifetime of masking and smaller burnouts until i pushed it for too long and this time i feel broken but also learned more about myself ?

i havent intentionally self harmed in 2 years, and quit nicotine like 2 months ago so those are some long term core coping strategies i lost maybe also making stuff harder, but it was good to quit those ofc

it just gets scary bc during a meltdown it feels like i Need to Scream and/or Run and/or make myself feel pain/hit myself or hit something else (but i stopped doing that bc once as a teen i broke my wall and it was embarrassing and bad, and a few weaks ago i fucked up my hand punching a tree full force) (it always ends up being Harder and More Damage than i thought at the time, mayb adrenaline, but adds to scary) but the worst is that during the worst ones I feel a very strong urge to hit my head against shit as hard as i can, and i try to redirect to Anything Else bc that feels Dangerous so i used to punch my legs a lot and give myself hematoma bad bruising, more recent ones ive screamed into stuff to muffle, scratch my skin (another past coping mechanism of sh F), and bite myself so hard i feel my teeth about to connect and tear a chunk of meat out of me so i get scared and stop

it also is really hard or impossible to communicate and really hard to think so its more stressful if i am causing distress to others and want to calm down when i cannot calm down

it feels involuntary, like if i dont scream ill hurt myself and if i dont bash my head in i have to punch my legs or bite myself

at a certain point, i probably just have to let myself have the meltdown and know i will be okay after, but it scares people also if i cannot communicate that to them and am in lot of visible distress

advice ? any pls

im struggling a lot and have been this entire year

probably started burnout around october and thought it was a depressive episode (maybe a lot of my past depressive episodes were burnout and being too depressed to do shit let me rest, but this time i couldnt afford to be depressed bc i need to work to live and afford shit and etc etc even tho still not doing shit i need to like acquiring insurance and doctors, it feels impossible i am just trying to survive each day. how the fuck do you get doctors and appointments if u are too mentally unwell to do that. i cannot afford to be hospitalized either i need to keep working and have money to live)

any advice ? sorry for essay, ty if you read, shit is so hard rn

[celabi]

I feel like I should put a TW here but I don't know what terms to put specifically so I'll just say I talk a lot about the negative aspects to autistic special interests (specifically really intense ones since I feel like special interests don't get shown in this sort of light much even though it is absolutely an experience that comes with autism?) , mentions of dizzy spells, sleep deprivation, fainting, lack of eating (not intentional/not eating disorder related), overall bad living habits, meltdown mentions, minor mentions of self injurious self-soothing stims, honestly near the end this just becomes a word vomit of me obsessing over Scara with an autistic reader in general near the end because genshin and this man specifically have an absolute chokehold on my poor weak autistic ass and 90% may or may not be my personal experience lmao bye- I probably missed some TWs but like just know there's a lot- I don't know I am going insane lmao

Okay so I know the consensus headcanon wise with scummy Scara is that when it comes to the reader doing things or asking for things his spine is essentially the equivalent of a wet tissue some left on a counter and forgotten about but like- What if he were in a scenario where the reader doing whatever they want was an active detriment to their own health?

Like the main idea in my head since it's an issue I myself suffer with really greatly is like what if he was with an autistic reader who experiences extremely intense special interests and forgets to perform basic tasks like eating, showering or even sleeping as a result of their interest being so intense and unmanaged? Cause it's like on one end bro wants to be supportive towards them and their interest, especially if like they've mentioned that they bring up the thing so much because they're autistic and it's their special interest, no way in hell is bro gonna skip the chance to be seen as an ally to the reader in that sense. Bro would probably yell at the fucking sun like an absolute mad man for making everything so bright and overstimulating if his poor darling ended up being overloaded by it and had a meltdown- But on the other he's watching them develop intense dizzy spells and like seeing them struggle to take two steps to the couch or to a chair while dazed as hell and whenever it's brought up they're just "Oh it's fine, I was just up till 6 in the morning last night because I was doing something related to my interest-". Or like he'll ask them when the last time they ate a proper meal was and they'll just "Oh I forgot I had to do that" or "Well I ate a chocolate bar like a day ago so that should be fine right?" And bro is just internally panicking like "No that is not fine how are you even alive?????"

And it's like he can't just cut the interest out completely since it's basically integral for the reader to have their special interest fix daily otherwise it can be really detrimental to them mentally and he doesn't wanna put them through that distress but like it's not like he would be able to like introduce them to a healthier routine either since like Motherfucker does it look like he knows what a healthy routine is?

Like bro is literally just out here like

"Babe I love you and I'm glad you're passionate about something but please, please go to sleep it's almost 7 in the morning I'm worried" he says knowing full well he was probably playing Valorant or something and would probably end up pulling an all nighter- Don't question how he knows they were up, it's definitely not like he's monitoring them through some cameras he managed to set up in their room

"Sweetie please tell me you ate something yesterday- Wait what do you mean you skipped dinner last night???? No a packet of chips doesn't count, You're lucky I happened to bring some extra leftovers" yes he probably invited himself over to make them a proper meal tailored to their preferences after this 🥰

The reader has an incident where they end up fainting while doing basically nothing cause their body was just done and Scara's immediately invited himself over for the week just to make sure they don't have any other complications or episodes- Probably even offers to bathe with them just in case they end up fainting while in the bath or shower-

Also not related to the health negligence but still on the topic of him with an autistic reader I love the idea of him letting the reader like scratch and claw at his arm (he doesn't care since he already does it himself) whenever they're experiencing a meltdown just so they can like get the "self-soothing" from it without them doing it to themselves- Although he probably struggles with giving them space when they need it- Also bro probably feels so fucking bad in the early days of like learning how to help them out when they're having a meltdown when he finds out him constantly asking questions about what happened made it worse for them since they can't physically speak in that state and asking questions just draws their attention to that and makes them feel even more helpless and overstimmed than before- He had his heart in the right place though :(

And God forbid if anyone makes an offhand comment about the reader acting a little "weird " socially bro has a whole "Uhm actually they're autistic you dick-" essay ready to go even if the person was nice about it- Qnd God forbid they did mean to mock them, bro is immediately on offensive mode even though he'll probably end up getting his own ass beat-

He probably doesn't care if he has to help them cut their own food because they struggle with the actual motor function required to do it properly- He'll happily do it for them- If they're in public and he has to do it he doesn't care, if anyone wants to give him or god forbid his darling weird looks then they can mind their own fucking business- Maybe he'll have to remember that person for later, just to make sure they get the memo-

ALSO assuming he's also autistic (hahaha not me projecting myself on him at all lmao) the dynamic is just the "Me and the autistic bad bitch I pulled by also being autistic-"

I don't even know if this is comprehensible or if I've just gone insane lmao- I nearly fainted at work yesterday because I stupidly stayed up till 4 in the morning playing Genshin because I have yet to manage my intense special interest towards it yet and my brain is scrambled to all hell- No thoughts, head empty, Only Genshin and Scara with his autistic bad bitch reader-

Also tried to make this open for anyone else who has autism too but it's probably really heavily injected with my own personal experience because I don't know how else to like talk about those things so like- I tried to make it open but it's difficult-

👀👀👀👀 wow I loved this so much it’s so interesting <3333 he just he just he just 🥹🥹🥹 trying to help reader while also trying to help himself r ahhhhh “bae go to sleep it’s 3 am” but he’s also awake and can’t sleep ahh in love. He’s always reminding you to do things he knows you would have looked past on, like showering and sleeping , and he’s no cook, but will whip up 5 course meals when he knows you haven’t been eating 🥺🥺

[asukamood]

Target Syndrome (EX)

***

Hello everyone! So, I’m currently in the process of writing the next part of BTH as I’ve noticed a lot of you have taken a liking to that series (I have as well, torturing Hacker is just too much fun for me) and I realized that you guys would be very confused concerning some aspects that I am planning on placing there.

The reason for that is I’ve changed and added a lot of headcanons to Hacker’s backstory (like, a lot) such as a fictional disease that I am going to present right now.

This post is an explanation post, it might not be the most entertaining thing ever and I am quite sorry about that, but I can hardly think of a way to explain the subject in a story like I am going to with the psych ward episode.

Anyway, enjoy?

***

What is Target Syndrome?

It is the name given to the disease caused by a soul malformation. It is a rare disease, having only 300 000 cases registered in the multiverse ever since it was first discovered in 1925. Its name stems from the shape the soul tends to take in most cases.

This disease affects both the physical and mental health of an individual, the severity of said impact depends on the stage reached by the individual.

How are individuals affected by the disease diagnosed?

The shape of the individual’s soul is both very useful to detect whether an individual is affected by the disease and how far the disease has spread. Since soul screening often requires magical equipment, universes whose inhabitants lack magic have a difficult time to accurately diagnose patients.

(Note: Patients are often misdiagnosed as depressed or anxious.)

Besides soul screening, no accurate method of diagnosis exists.

What differentiates the stages from another?

Stage 1: The patient's soul is a usual heart-shaped organ. The only difference with a regular soul is that there is a visible white outline inside of the heart. At this stage, the patient is hardly distinguishable from any regular individual. The only thing that could distinguish them would be the unusual pang of pain one would feel sometimes. However, these pains are bearable and are mostly overlooked.

Stage 2: The patient’s soul is an upside-down heart; the presence of the white line can still be seen. The pains that were mentioned earlier get worse by this stage. They get so bad that it is not uncommon for patients to be rendered unable to function properly because of these. They may also display constant signs of distress or general discomfort. Some of their limbs may also cease to function properly temporarily.

Stage 3: The patient’s soul will be shaped like a round target, the white line now more prominent. The pains are now (almost) constant and unbearable, being so bad that patients affected by this pain can be heard screaming or passing out. They will show themselves to be hostile to most people, as well as hot-tempered, defiant and defensive. They are more likely to engage in dangerous behaviors for both themselves and the people around them. Severe signs of distress including, but not exclusive to, self-harm, suicidal tendencies or frequent meltdowns.

Stage 4: Their entire body will hurt as if they were burned alive. They would not be coherent enough to say anything intelligible or be aware of their surroundings. In that state, they do not, or rather cannot, react to external stimuli. Medication does not have any effect on the pain felt by the patient. After 12 hours, the patient succumbs to the disease as their soul, distorted and broken, is unable to provide enough energy to keep their organs functioning.

(Note: There are “in-between” stages that mix the symptoms of two different stages.)

What are the causes of the disease?

Its origins are unknown, though it is not a hereditary disease nor a mutation of a gene. A correlation between the soul state, the body state and the production of serotonin and dopamine (and other hormones of this type) has been established. However, the exact cause and effect relationship between these factors have yet to be determined.

Does a treatment against the disease exist?

No, currently, no treatment can cure the disease. However, reverting a patient to a preceding stage is possible thanks to a consummation of specific dosage of anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety medications.

Although, this method is rarely employed as the administration of a different dosage than the recommended one threatens the patient’s well-being. This applies to other medications as well, including painkillers.

The environment in which a patient is kept also seems to have a direct effect on the development of the disease. Without the aid of medications, it is possible for a patient to revert to the previous stage if the environment they are in is in favor of recovery.

***

Hacker is affected by that disease no matter what AT or AU is used.

Relevance to BTH: During the first two posts of BTH, Hacker was in Stage 1. From Hurt to According to plan, Hacker was in Stage 2.5, closer to Stage 3 than Stage 2.

Relevance to BTH-2: ---

[eternallyanxiousandstressed]

Major Tea Update

Okay, I need you all to be prepared to be absolutely pissed off. I mean, filled with rage levels of pissed off, because that's where I'm at, even if I have to also continue being totally and completely pleasant.

So, some time after Ratboy allowed me to have Luke by myself, unsupervised for the time I was driving with him, Ratboy filed a protection order AND a CPS case against me.

Ratboy says my suicide "threats" (me telling him I was going to kill myself and actually meaning it) were coercive control, which is considered domestic violence. Gamers, this is my state's definition of coercive control: "Coercive control" means a pattern of behavior that is used to cause another to suffer physical, emotional, or psychological harm, and in purpose or effect unreasonably interferes with a person's free will and personal liberty. In determining whether the interference is unreasonable, the court shall consider the context and impact of the pattern of behavior from the perspective of a similarly situated person. 

Now, suicide threats or attempts are considered examples of coercive control, but see, it has to be used to cause him to suffer physical, emotional, or psychological harm. Um... Mine were legitimate actual mental health crises. I have messages with a crisis text line showing that for some of these, I was actively in a mental health crisis. I have psychiatry appointments talking about my suicidal ideation. I went inpatient to a psych hospital multiple times. Mine were not "used to cause another harm". Therefore it doesn't fucking count. Whatever, that'll be easy to prove with my texts to the crisis line as well as my medical records from my psychiatrist throughout that entire time.

Now the CPS case? He claims that I threatened to kill Luke. I have never once threatened to kill Luke, ever. In fact, I've straight up told Ratboy that I'd cut my own hand off before I hurt Luke. During my postpartum depression did I have thoughts of hurting Luke? Yes. But I was seeing a psychiatrist about them and actively working with her on it. And I haven't had those thoughts since, well, I was no longer in emotional distress because of Ratboy. Anyways, this will also probably be easy to throw out with the simple fact that, if he was concerned that I was a danger to our son, why did he allow me an unsupervised visit with him? Because, if he was actually concerned I would hurt or kill Oliver, letting him go with me unsupervised would be negligent on his part and well... That won't look good for him.

Anyways, CPS, without interviewing me or my family or even contacting me at all, has made the recommendation of no unsupervised visits, which pisses me off. How about you actually interview the person accused to figure out the whole story before you just side with the people accusing. Especially right in the middle of a custody battle.

But, if he wants to play dirty and lie, how about I play dirty and tell the truth. Ratboy was a neglectful father for the entire time I was taking care of Luke. Up to the point where my own brother watched Ratboy ignore Luke while he was screaming to play video games. My brother's exact words (just with names changed): Yeah while we were packing he was "taking care of Luke" while he played his games and Luke was just having a meltdown

I can also bring up all the times he refused to help me with Luke while I was so exhausted my legs tried to give out. And when he did, I didn't actually get to sleep because Luke started screaming and would just scream for 10 minutes straight and Ratboy didn't do anything. Not even when I suggested he feed him. I go out and I feed him and guess what? Luke calmed down!

Anyways, meeting with my lawyer on Monday to discuss where to go from here. She said she wasn't worried and that we could handle it so I'm going to try not to stress about it. I'm just gonna be completely and totally pissed off that he's stooping to completely lying now.

[unnervinglyferal]

It's more tied to the fact that psychosis or whatever the hell my brain has been hitting me with since like August hits when I'm here in my bed at night, sometimes in the middle of my sleep, like, it literally wakes me up in the depths of the night just to fucking make me experience suicide-inducing levels of existencial dread and horrific sensations previously only known to maybe G-d and other bodyless entities.

I'll be here laying still trying to get some G-d forsaken rest, which is something we all need to survive and function like sane human beings -at the maximum extent some of us can- and my mind will decide it's the best time ever to make me go through mental acrobatics that involve me being unable to recognise that I exist, that others exist and that no, actually, the world will not disappear the minute I go to sleep or even die, and you guys are your own individual beings with your own consciences, the problem with that is that you don't really have anything that proves that to you. I lack tactible proof that you guys are as real as me, and that you guys have your own private currents of reality, because you can't prove that kind of stuff, it's stuff that seems obvious in perspective, but you don't really ever get to see it yourself, because most people don't need that type of proof.

Anyways, that's not the only problem. Alongside existencial doubt and dread and horror, I have to face physical sensations that don't make any sense. Yesterday night I got woken in the middle of the night by a sense of incredible vibrating violence against the world, and it was not like, just an emotion, because the insides of my nails itched with hate. My hands feel like, heavy and lightweight at the same time, and I get such an intense mental fog. It's terrible. It's a feeling so terrible it makes me, the 18 year old adult fucker, go to sleep on the same bed my parents do hoping it'll leave me alone. It's a feeling so overwhelming that my mind instantly decides that dying would be a viable option for instant release, as in the sense of euthanasia. It's embarassing, it's distressing, it's agonizing, it is unsustainable.

I don't even know for sure if it's psychosis, but I call it such because I've considered that it might be like an anxiety attack or a meltdown out of overstimulation, but it feels different that any of those things. It's mental anguish that came out of years of sadness, depression, fear and loneliness. It woke me up in the middle of the night one random day and it hasn't left since.

So far, I can only seem to wait those out when they happen. Not like I have any other choices. I can't seem to find any triggers that I could avoid to avoid causing them in the first place, though it's not like something that hits you in the middle of sleep without any seemingly plausible reason it's the kind of thing that can be avoided at all by any means. Just one of those situations you gotta grit your teeth through, before you figure out what exactly it is or where did it come from or if it's curable at all.

And that's why I'm scared of going to sleep. The mind works in ways. Not sure which, just ways.

You need to get somewhere peaceful. Somewhere that you've got peace of mind and you can rationally trust that you're safe. I'm not going to say "feel safe", because you're not going to feel safe anywhere for a long while no matter where you are, but somewhere where you can tell yourself that the part telling you that you're in danger is wrong, and trust that it's true.