#and maybe they meant well
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A Thing Happened. I Want To Complain About It. I Don't Want To Talk About It. I Want To Cry. I Don't Want To Cry. I Have Feelings. Actually No I Don't. This Is Not A Huge Bad Thing I'm Just Tired And Emotional BTW
#anyway someone commented on my post about my worries about the sabezra hate when the ahsoka show comes out#basically saying 'op i get it but its not healthy to treat yourself like glass just block and move on'#'block and move on' NO! the WORDS! the MEAN WORDS! they STAY IN MY BRAIN#like... have you never experienced the haunting sickening day-ruining feeling of having people hate on you and on things you love#is this just a nerodivergence thing or what#and maybe they meant well#but i made that post on a BAD DAY after having BAD FEELINGS and things were BAD and i AM getting better at letting stuff go#it was a vent post about the mean fandom and the paragraph at the end was KRIFFING HYPERBOLE#not a sign to tell me to toughen up#like k well sorry for wishing the world was kind i guess.
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Long distance besties. This definitely happened after the third movie (source: trust me bro)
Based on this
#anyways time to yap in the tags 😋☝️#but first ummmm lemme just tag some shit#how to train your dragon#httyd#httyd hiccup#hiccup haddock#hiccup horrendous haddock iii#toothless#httyd toothless#ok i think that its done#anyways this definitely happaned after the dragons left like just trust me bro 🙏🙏🙏🙏#omfg i wanted to make this with hijack as well cause lol. do you get it. they're long distance LOLOLOL#maybe i will make it who knows. is it weird to make the same art trend with different characters??#OH WAIT FORGOT ANOTHER TAG#hicctooth#is this the duo name for them#or is it called#hictooth#doesnt matter. what matters is that theyre literally the definition of platonic soulmates bro#like wtf i love them#sorry for making them look miserable i didnt meant for them to look lile that 😭😭😭😭#omg with that being said#BROOOOOO I AM NOT GONNA DRAW DRAGONS ANYMORE IM DONEEEEE HOW DO YOU DRAW DRAGONS 😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏#anyways first attempt do you like it. SAY YES RIGHT NOW#if you read this much till the end you need to kiss me rn muah muah muah#also say i did a good job at making them look like cookies like#say it rn#okie bye byeeeeee#I FORGOT TO ADD HIS BRAID IM GONNA KMSSSSSS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#omg i failed
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pvp civ nation...... this aint much but pls take my contribution for this series bc im going insane i love hate this man so much get him out of my head
#senart#pvp civilization#pvp civ#I'LL MAKE A PROPER ONE I SWEARR I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT OF MYSYSTEM FIRST#if it turns out he gets a bad ending in ep 6 i dont think i'll be ok like#he deserves a good ending . or a villain arc at least. he deserves to go batshit crazy after how everyone treated him#ALSOO the chekovs gun video journal device thing?? The excessive 4th wall breaking?#Is it just me or does jt feel like evbo is gonna lose his memory/already lost his memory and was sent to the wood sword lvl with tabi#or like . Idk?? It feels kind of truman show ish. Well maybe not that but its just the vibe im getting w the way that everyone has their-#-own secrets. How the diamond swords seems to know who evbo n tabi is. How princezam knows about the diamond swords#and then theres also parrot whos just?? Weird overall?? Idk whats going on w him but i need to know his backstory wdym u think evbo will-#-hate you if he knows what you did??#ANYWAY BACK TO THE VIDEO JOURNAL AND POTENTIAL MEMORY LOSS.#I dont want jt to go that way (mostly bc i dont want to see evbo suffer more than he already did) but it rlly does seem like its heading to#that direction w the way that it also has become a way to narrate what he went through (ie when the ep shows his attempts to beat the-#gold sword lvl but hes narrating it from the future. from his video journal. where he already beat the lvl)#im going insane#Wait also what i meant by the truman show vibe in relation to the excessive 4th wall breaks it makes it sound like pvp civ is just a -#simulation#wait i just remembered its the matrix not that mb umm#anyways.#empty chattering
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Human Bill! I wanna put him in a microwave
Bonus-ish: Really liked the flats on this one!
#In my mind he is like physically 30-35. The Axolotl (praise) just gave him terrible case of baby face#He only has the 2nd friendship braclet in the first one because it takes YEARS for Mabel to trust him enough to give him one#first is maybe from Ford and doubles as a location tracker. Not sure yet. And Bill gets a little Missy dialogue as a treat.#these were meant to be calm down doodling to take a break from some background heavy stuff I gotta finish. but then I got carried away#I love when Human Bill designs are fat. defo Inspired by 1spooky2me! I adore their bill. as well as MANY other beautiful designs ive seen#gravity falls#GF fanart#fan art#fanart#bill cipher#human bill cipher#human bill design#human!bill#human bill au#handyman bill ajacent I suppose#implied billford. But trust. Ford is making terrible decisions here#ford pines#stanford pines#grunkle ford#my art#artists on tumblr
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ultimately i think my insistence on aro positivity honestly is as much a political stance as a personal one.
when i say aro positivity is crucial and that i dislike doomer-ist posts that express sentiments like 'I hate being aro so much I wish I was dead instead’ it's not because I don’t think there can and should be a space for negativity and acknowledging self-hate, or the many ways being aromantic can really suck sometimes. i find that to be very important!
that being said. there is smth here about how self-hate posts are sometimes just arophobia that we inflict on ourselves. and when we put that out into the ether it (intentionally or not) can become arophobia that we inflict on other members of the community. i think there absolutely needs to be a place for negativity and the expression of anger and frustration and self loathing even - these are all good things to talk about because these are things that we experience. that being said, it can also be genuinely upsetting and triggering to people to have what is essentially arophobia shown to them and then have that be validated by other aspec people. your personal thoughts can affect your wider community on a level you may not anticipate. and i understand it i truly do! it took me so long to be able to recover from accepting being aroace - it threw my entire world off kilter and made me question everything about my place in the world.
but my insistence on aro joy and positivity is because ultimately i do believe that building is at the core essence of it all. that ultimately discussions and the purpose of community should be about construction, not destruction. and this is both a personal and a political stance. talking about how much you hate yourself and cultivating online discussions/spaces where negativity about aspec identity is the main and only theme is destructive - if that’s where we let the conversation end. these thoughts can and should be used as a vehicle to look for a path forward!
joy and positivity create a space where the focus can become on forging a path forward, on construction, on community building instead of tearing ourselves and others down with negative thoughts. it’s not productive or healthy when it stops at a place of negativity - it becomes actively destructive to the essence of community.
and i do think that this is especially poignant considering the fact that being any kind of queer, but especially aromantic (and/or asexual) means forging a path for yourself and making your own happiness where there is no obvious way forward. our communities exist mostly online (right now, anyway), there is little recognition of our existence in the real world, the effects of amatonormativity are both pervasive and actively dehumanising, and there are legal, economic and social structures in place actively making our lives more difficult. yes that all sucks! it’s good to acknowledge that. we need to in order to change it. but more importantly, that’s not the end. we are still here and our happiness, our future is for us to determine. even if we can’t change the laws or society, loving yourself and understanding aromanticism as a political identity (as well as personal), as a radical worldview, and as a protest against amatonormativity is essential for both community and personal well being. the personal is political.
tldr. i guess my point is that as a community, we should focus on building, improving, and nurturing ourselves and each other (construction) as opposed to destruction. we should recognise aromanticism and asexuality as political identities as well as personal ones and rely on community and self-love in the absence of anything else as a form of protest and political power. destruction (the recognition of everything that is wrong) is essential as a starting point - but where do we go from there? we rebuild.
#aromantic#aro positivity#aspec#aroace#aro#aromantic joy#arospec#when i saw its important to 'love' yourself - pls understand i am in no way trying to exclude loveless aros from this#that was just the easiest way to express what i meant! when i say 'love' i mean positivity/respect/happiness. etc. i just used that word bc#it works for ME which is why i said it. but feel free to replace it with whatever works for you! <2#also sorry if not everything im saying makes total sense i tried my best#this is something ive been thinking about for a while and have been struggling to articulate#i maybe should have read some theory for this abt community building but im too tired + overwhelmed w school reading right now so sorry.#if anyone has additions on that front though please do add them#also ngl im kinda scared to post this. i hope i explained what i mean well enough. like i get wanting to vent and express self hate BUT.#there is nuance to this and it is not unilaterally healthy i think. also i dont see any other online community fostering the normalisation#of selfhate the way the aspec one does! which makes me feel weird abt it especially.#anyway. this is basically my personal philosophy towards aromanticism#mossy posts#⚙️
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your mazaleian (i cant spell) smalletho gives me life, actually, do you have anything esle to share about them
thank you for asking! I did not. So here you go, some sketches fresh off the… canvas. Or something.
#sphynx asks!#sphynx sketches#smallishbeans fanart#ethoslab fanart#trafficshipping#smalletho#if you meant like. More to share as in like.. thoughts. then. Um. Well#Maybe some other time.#i’ve had a good lot of ideas circling my brain about these two lovelies but i have not yet had the time nor energy to put them to use </3#hopefully these silly little doodles suffice !#also i am sorry to the asks in my inbox that i Have just ignored in favor of smalletho#i must admit that i Am ill about them and ummmmmmm. I’ll get to you some other time when i have the energy i promiseeee <3
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I hsve an idea. Could u draw rose and ianto as besties
absOLUTELY I CAN
they’re chatting shit (lovingly) about their tall, long-coat-wearing, time-travelling, death-cheating, alien boyfriends who have spikey hair
#Jack is nursing 10s broken nose off screen from where Ianto decked him imo Ianto would not let 10s nonsense with Jack slide#jk Ianto would not punch him he would just make him instant coffee instead of The Ianto Special and then stew silently#doctor who#torchwood#torchwood fanart#rose tyler#dwmmm.ask#ianto jones#SORRY I DISAPPEARED FOR AGES EVERYONE IM BACK HELLO !!!!!!#apologies to all the people who have sent asks that are sitting in my inbox im getting to them soon!!!#also I’m working on a big cool colab which I’m v excited about >:)#this is meant to have the vibes of the school reunion scene with sarah jane and rose laughing at 10!!#Ianto would be besties with all of 10s companions actually#him and martha are already besties & him and donna would get on so well snarky secretary duo#him and rose would not only bond over stories about the 9/jack/rose tardis team but also over being estate kids !!!#him rose and martha hanging out being the only under 25s 🚶♂️#s1 Ianto is the type to still get IDed for redbull#maybe that’s why he really wears the suit so people stop thinking he’s a 16 year old#anyway I digress thank u for the ask I hope this appeases you I love this vision and also hate drawing roses hair it’s SO hard#killer side part#but I loved drawing this bc I love ianto and rose friendship#ps theye matching colours on purpose bc they’re bffs#also like ianto in the audios constantly makes friends with random side characters you can’t convince me this man isn’t extroverted at heart
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'my cousin is all stomach and no heart' is such a funny thing for illario to tell rook if he maybe is picking up on a little bit of a Vibe going on there. the 'LMAO. well good luck with that friend. better hotties than you have tried and failed and dashed themselves against the legendarily unamorous cliffs of my cousin's complete obliviousness and lack of interest to no avail. (optional 'may I suggest a more hah-hem *undoes another few buttons on his shirt that thing is open almost to his navel now it's borderline obscene* available dellamorte for your consideration. I mean if you're like in the market for one anyway' devious undertone as you see fit)' energy is off the charts.
(illario is above all a funny petty bitch and that's why I love him so indescribably. no no lucanis is right we need him around to drop shade like this he is in fact also an essential crow. we all contribute in our own ways)
#also I need to see his face when he realizes that lucanis IS in fact fucking that weird little goth twink. On The Regular and w enthusiasm#'of ALL the people who've thrown themselves at you over the years THIS is what you go for?? 'festooned in skulls' is your thing???'#(lucanis' thing is emotional security and safe sincere enduring affection but I don't think illario could grasp that in a thousand years)#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#illario dellamorte#lucanis dellamorte#rook x lucanis#rookanis#I actually think the writing as it stands for illario could work really well if the voice direction had been better#the voice actor is using such an obvious aggro Ze Evil Voice tone the whole way through I think if he was more soft-spoken#and more seemingly good-naturedly jocular and sometimes vulnerable the actual words work well enough to add some subtlety#(I mean. not a lot of subtlety. it's not like you'd wonder who the traitor is and I frankly don't think you're really meant to#that's not the point. it's a car crash you have to watch. but it would make the emotional tone a bit different and more compelling)#between that and some of the environmental storytelling -- the burned letter from zara even though the whole house is FULL#of venatori there's really no point in like. hiding evidence at this point lol vs. the one he wrote lucanis lying neatly on a table#in the same room -- the fact that he can't bring himself to hurt caterina. he seems to be staying in the room across the hall from her.#you know there are some signs here that just maybe#lucanis' hopes for him are not as completely incomprehensibly delusional as it looks on the surface haha
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On Swansea’s (often understated) role in Mouthwashing
I say this as a big swansea fan but I don’t rlly understand why ppl are acting like he’s not also complicit in what happened to Anya? AUs where “Anya tells Swansea” and he jumps to violently defend her don’t make sense to me because canonically she does tell him, as he admits to Jimmy. But swansea represents another way of interacting with the capitalist heteropatriarchy that ALSO harms victims: holistic jadedness and resignation.
Swansea is across the board unkind to the Tulpar crew. We can’t forget that he calls anya a “so-called nurse”
and says this to Jimmy, which (if unintentionally) reiterates Jimmy’s own warped perception of Anya’s usefulness and competence. This allows Jimmy to feel justified in his imagination of the nurse’s inferiority. Swansea’s clear lack of respect for Jimmy does less to hurt Jimmy than his lack of respect for Anya harms Anya, because at the end of the day, Swansea’s attitude is contextualized by the violent culture it exists in and he does nothing to reconcile with that when Jimmy becomes the captain. His resignation can thus be weaponized even by Jimmy, a man who Swansea disrespects but whose power he doesn’t try to meaningfully jeopardize, because his across-the-board disdain punches people already marginalized by the environment twice as hard as it does those with power.
Swansea doesn’t position himself as an ally, he positions himself as willfully uninvolved in everything, an observer to the shitshow ride to hell. Just because he dislikes Jimmy doesn’t mean he aligns with Anya. He makes it clear that he’s not on her side, either. After a life of doing what he felt was expected of him, Swansea on the Tulpar looks out for Swansea and Swansea’s comfort. In trying to situate himself outside of the politics of it all as an older white man, he simply allows them to play out. The toxic culture keeps existing, playing out in the microcosm that is this freighter, and Swansea in all his experience recognizes that shit has hit the fan and elects to coast through it, even explicitly numbing himself to it by breaking his sobriety. It is, of course, hard to force yourself to be sober—to see clearly. But had Swansea forced himself to get involved sooner, he might have set a precedent for Daisuke to recognize Jimmy’s abuse, which could have saved Daisuke’s life as well as created a safe space for Anya. But Swansea’s inaction forces both victims to confront an abuser on their own, unable to reap benefits from his privilege and experience.
Jimmy is clearly intimidated by swansea in a way he is not by Anya, Daisuke, or a post-crash Curly (Swansea, for example, physically manifests as an aggressor in Jimmy’s “responsibility sequences”, and Jimmy ties Swansea up to avoid what he sees as the real possibility of pushback that he doesn’t conceive of Anya being able to do). Swansea has a power he does not act on or with until it is far, far too late. In fact, he acknowledges in his final monologue that he was dissatisfied with the discomfort with opening his eyes and living an exemplary “good man”s life. The best days of his life are ones in which he’s belligerently drunk—days in which he didn’t have to hold himself accountable. He regrets the life he spent performing for higher-ups and we watch him reject it by scorning Captain Jimmy, but he also doesn’t want to be held responsible for helping other people when it’s their turn to endure the expectations and violence from similar (if not the same) higher powers. Tragically, he possesses the hindsight to recognize that how he acted on the Tulpar consequently wasn’t what Daisuke needed out of a role model, leading to Daisuke becoming a victim. His hands-off approach to emotional engagement with his young male intern (another symptom of patriarchal gender norms) may have been to avoid Daisuke turning out miserable and jaded like himself, but it doesn’t actually indicate to an already-confused Daisuke what the dangers of that attitude are. Swansea never admits his own shortcomings in a tangible way which, had they come from a man with experience and prestige like himself, may have shifted that culture that failed Anya. She comes to him with the story not because he has situated himself as any earnest friend, but likely out of desperation on a ship Jimmy now controls.
When we allow “the machine” (Swansea’s own words) to beat us down to the point that we don’t find it productive to challenge unjust power dynamics, we become complicit. I think too many people get hung up on his disdain for Jimmy and Jimmy’s fear of Swansea as a marker of allyship with Anya, but the truth is that Swansea. Is a bad ally. He’s hardly one at all. His long stint in the demanding capitalist environment molded a perfectly complicit result out of him, as it aspires to do, even if Swansea bitterly recognizes that. Jimmy’s overt violence from a position of power is a different and much more brutal approach to abuse enabled by people who have been left too tired and bitter to care that he does it. A man who could’ve intimidated and even threatened Jimmy is too resigned to try until there is literally nobody but himself left to fight for, which is an attitude carefully cultivated among the lower rungs of hierarchies to keep the top safe. Swansea in particular seems very unhappy with the capitalistic, patriarchal expectations laid out for him as a father, husband, and laborer. This becomes particularly resonant when you realize the symbolism of his role as mechanic: a job that can be deeply unpersonal, tasked with keeping the ship (the machine, if you will) itself going while other roles are more focused on managing the humans inside of it (e.g. nurse, captain). His decision to just stop trying and spare himself the grief instead of questioning why those expectations exist and how they would hurt the others onboard only delays him being directly targeted by Jimmy and doesn’t interrupt the latter’s violence.
Not a single man in mouthwashing is innocent in Anya’s victimhood. This is a statement tentatively uninclusive of Daisuke, because I think the game very deliberately positions him outside of manhood through his youth and thus struggling with the concept of “fitting in” to the patriarchy. Curly, Jimmy, and Swansea all represent different failures that ultimately perpetuate Anya’s suffering and force her to defend herself and finally take her life into her own hands. A holistic analysis of rape culture in MW necessarily engages with all three of them. Only not being a friend and ally to rapists and other male abusers isn’t enough, and Swansea proves it.
#mouthwashing#not sure I worded this as well as I would’ve liked to because I just woke up#but I’m standing by it for now#I think people don’t think enough about what swansea represents in the story and thus water him down#but with such a small cast we have to realize that everyone is deliberately written with meaning#maybe I’ll delete this later if I feel it was misarticulated#again I like swansea this isn’t meant to start some swansea hate train#I’m just glad that ppl are understanding Curly’s role as an enabler and I want that critical thinking to extend#even to characters we are inclined to like on their face because they’re also mean to Jimmy#.txt 🌊#mouthwashing game#swansea mouthwashing#this post is dedicated to my good friend al who is the resident swansea guy in my mind and talked thru this w me#ily my goat
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I find the most interesting difference between Shen Jiu and Shen Yuan isn't "malice" and "kindness" but rather Shen Jiu being a desperate-to-survive sore loser and Shen Yuan being an uncompetitive good sport, and it's interesting to see how their differences kind of flow from those two opposing traits
Both are desperate to survive in their own ways, however I guess you could argue Shen Jiu did everything to secure the life he wanted, meanwhile Shen Yuan idled and idled until fire was put under his ass and he finally had to do something to secure better living standards for himself
You could argue Shen Jiu has a stronger will to survive, but even being alive he didn't seem to enjoy it and be happy all that much. Meanwhile Shen Yuan strives for very little but generally is happy with the bare necessities and choosing to just loudly inflate his complaints about little things instead, which probably endears him to the people around him
#my text#idk just had vague thoughts about their difference in desperate competitiveness#you could also extraplate how being a sore loser didnt lend well to developing friendships or showing vulnerability#which meant shen yuan could just seemingly effortlessly develop sqq's relationships while sj suffered to do the same#maybe that lack of vunerable honesty was why sj failed to save lqg on a meta level#a man as hard headed as lqg wouldnt respond well to such an acidic sort of help that strongly tied to sj's pride and face#even if he wanted to genuinely prevent his death#i guess sj is bitterly saving any face he can#while sy is just embarrassed about losing face in just a cringe way#the ignorant insecurity-feeler vs the enlightened petty cringer. i guess lol#svsss#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#shen jiu#jiuyuan#scumcum
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Came across a post on pinterest about peonies- how they bloom for 100 years and are thus used to symbolise happy and long marriages. And I can't stop thinking about how Wei Wuxian tossed these peonies at Lan Wangji during his first life.
And I'm also thinking about how Lan Wangji pressed one of those peonies into the notebook on which Wei wuxian transcribed the Lan clan rules, on the page which explains the significance of the Lan clan forehead ribbon...
And just like how peonies are said to bloom for a hundred years, Lan Wangji's love for Wei Wuxian never withered even after all those long years...
Edit: okay guys, I just saw an old post on tumblr about the audio drama. In the AD, when Wei Wuxian tosses peonies at Lan Wangji, the music that plays in the background is called 'silent confession'
...
Yeah.
The post is from @/xinyuenii in case anyone's wondering
#and the same can be said about wei wuxian too#i think#and i don't want to make it super cheesy but#i can't help but think that MAYBE wei wuxian knew what those flowers meant#i mean#he's super well versed at poetry and everything#and he also knew the significance of the orchid flower#granted that it might symbolize smth else in chinese#anyways#wangxian#mdzs#mo dao zu shi#wei wuxian#lan wangji#i love them#sm#my rambles
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SmallFryz: NONONO– Fit, Fit, Fit– Listen, listen– We can talk this out, we can talk this out! 😨
Fit: See, that's the fighting spirit! There we go! Mano a mano!
SmallFryz: Fit– Fit, we're like brothers, man! How could you do this to me?
"There's no lore on JoeSMP" Maybe not, but there sure is drama! 🍿
#FitMC#SmallFryz#JoeSMP#Joe SMP#December 2 2024#Fit#Edited#Awh SmallFryz is a small streamer#Or at least from their Twitter it seems like that#I was immediately charmed by their cubito. And then I realized it was because he had a similar face to Pac's#OTL#Jokes aside their dynamic was very funny today. Fryz is funny. He came back and killed Fit later – I'll try and do some clips of that later#This was running too long though so I had to cut that out#Slight volume warning at the beginning#solely dependent on how loud you usually keep your headphones#I keep mine on low but YMMV#Maybe I should've lowered that more sorry#No full transcript because I'm tired and just editing this took longer than expected#Look at that sad bit at the end with him in the rain. Bruh I miss cubito Fit lore#Edit: AGH right after posting I see a few seconds I meant to trim near the start. Rats. Oh well
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tbh i think volo would have been significantly more normal and fine if he hadn’t been hiding so much of his true feelings and personality. like when you deny yourself genuine human connection to that degree you’re probably going to come off as a machiavellian monster who wants to make the world and the lives of others worse, but looking at his actual stated motivations and intentions it’s clear to me at least that the guy is deeply empathetic and idealistic and more than anything disappointed that the world can’t be better
#volo#pla#i don’t even think the game wants you to think he’s That Bad#given the way laventon discusses him talking about the pokédex and peacefully/awkwardly leaving#the way his eyes go all weird makes me think they were going for almost a jekyll and hyde psychotic break thing#but people kinda projected another kind of villain trope onto him—the calculating immoral sociopath—and that’s the common interpretation#it’s like the opposite of when people look at villains who are meant to be completely terrible and find redeemable things about them#insisting that the writers wanted people to see those things as well#i might be doing that myself but just looking at the text and themes of the game it seems to me that you’re supposed to feel bad for him#rather than like violently hate him#even just with the way the player looks at him when he walks away#and that’s not even getting into shit that happens in pokemas#like sorry man volo unintentionally and incidentally prompting arceus to separate the train guys does not make him evil#that was arceus…#same with the player character although i think volo would have had more of a reason to tell them what’s going on#ingo was accepted in hisui#they weren’t#anyway sorry i just wanted to add my take to the many floating around#maybe im wrong or you disagree! that’s fine#but yeah
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☆ de fontaine
{☆} characters furina {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings angst, suicidal thoughts, hurt / no comfort {☆} word count 1.4k
This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fair!
She thought, for one moment, she could put the mask down and breathe – for one moment of daydreaming, she thought she could just be Furina. She thought she would finally get to live the live she should've had in the first place, the life she threw away to play God to an audience who saw her as nothing but a circus animal, dancing to their whims. Furina just wanted to be selfish for one brief and fleeting moment..and it was gone before she could even grasp it in her hand. A comet soaring past far out of her reach.
She can barely keep her hands from violently shaking as she looks down at them – broken and bloody and more a corpse then a person – and she feels so numb she can't even feel the rain pelting against her back. None of this is fair, she wants to scream, why is it always me? But her voice is silent beneath the torrent of rain. She wonders if the ocean would take her if she sank into it's depths – just for a moment, she wonders how it would feel to finally be able to sleep at ease.
Furina is tired.
But Furina is nothing if not useful, isn't she?
So she forces her feet to move, dragging against the stone beneath her heels, and drags their bloodied body into the nearest empty building, letting the rain do the work of washing away the smeared blood following her path. The smell makes her feel sick, the feeling of it sticking to her hands and gloves makes her lightheaded, but she persists. Because Furina is useful, because Furina won't let them die out in the rain, because Furina won't stand by and just let them rot on the streets like some..pest.
Furina wants to go home. She wants to sleep and she isn't she if she wants to wake up, this time. But she keeps going anyway.
Because it's all she's ever done, and the habit sticks.
An Archon she may not be, not anymore, but the expectations of five hundred years still linger like eyes on the inside of her skull. They watch her, pry and prod at her thoughts, mocking laughter and judging eyes following her as she forces herself to dance to the song they weave with glee. Furina never stepped off that stage – she's still there, she thinks, watching the crowd stare at her in disdain as the curtain call looms above her like a guillotine. She still hears Neuvillette deliver her damnation and salvation with a trembling voice, still feels her hair stand on end when electro crackled like the crack of the whip, Clorinde's blade aimed at her like a loaded gun.
She's trapped on that stage and she never left, not really.
She hates it. She thinks she hates them, but it's not their fault. They didn't ask for this, didn't ask for everyone to turn against them, didn't ask for her to save them. Neither did she..yet here they are, she thinks.
She tries to tell herself she's in control this time, though. She can stop performing her part in this horrible, bloody play any time she wants. It makes her feel better, just for a little while, if she convinces herself she's still Furina, painfully human.
And Furina has always been good at lying.
It's the believing that's the hard part.
There isn't time for her to wallow in her own self pity, though. They're still bleeding out onto the dusty, creaky floorboards of some random, broken down house and she's just standing there as the blood stains the wood. She can fix it – she's good at fixing things. She's done nothing but fix things – try to, anyway – for five hundred years. She can fix a little wound, how hard could it be? Her hands are clenched so tight they ache as she kneels down, wincing at the creak of the floorboards beneath her heels– she hesitates just long enough to wonder if she's making a mistake before she peels away just enough of the outer layer of their clothes to see the deep, bloody gash across their chest. She tries not to think about it – it's deep, too deep, and she feels dizzy just looking at it, but she's handled worse, right?
Furina can fix it. That's what she's good at.
She doesn't feel so confident when she tries to wrack her brain for..something. Five hundred years, and a little wound stumps her? No, she had to have learned something, right? She's decidedly not trying to buy time because she's panicking, parsing through hundreds of years of memories like flipping through a book. Furina isn't made for this, not really – she's running on nothing but adrenaline and she's really not sure what she's doing, but she's trying. And just like before, it won't be enough, will it?
She'll fall short again – she'll be too late to fix it before she's alone again.
Furina was an Archon..used to be. What use would she have for that sort of knowledge? Which makes her predicament all the more harrowing and bleak. What was she supposed to do?
Furina had heard it first hand, that vitriol in Neuvillette's voice. She isn't sure she's ever heard him that..angry before. She's not sure he would listen to her if she tried, either. And that scares her more then anything. All of Fontaine was up in arms about this..imposter, yet here she was, staring down at them bleeding out in front of her, and she was trying to save them.
Why? Why is she throwing away her only chance at normalcy for a fraud? Why didn't she just turn them in?
They were dying – that should've been a good thing, shouldn't it? So why didn't it feel like it?
"Why you?" Her voice breaks as she speaks in harsh tones, grabbing the front of their shirt in trembling, bloodied hands. "Why now?" She wants to scream, to demand answers they can't give, to claw back the reprieve she was promised after five hundred years of agony..and all she can do is sob into their chest, pleading for an answer that will not come. "Why me?"
Silence is their answer, and it hangs heavy on her trembling shoulders as she cries.
Of course they don't, she thinks bitterly, no one has ever answered her pleas spoken in hushed sobs. Not her other self and certainly not them.
Furina has always been alone. Furina will always be alone.
Because Furina never left that stage, never left that moment when she looked at herself in the mirror and took up a mantle too heavy for her to bear. She always finds her way back eventually. There's no one on the other side anymore – she stands alone on a stage, waiting for an inevitable end she isn't sure will come.
"Please," She pleads through tears and choked sobs, clinging to them like they are all that keeps her from sinking. "Please don't leave me, too." The words burn on her tongue – how pathetic is she that she craves companionship from the bloodied body of the imposter? Perhaps she's truly lost her mind after all these years..perhaps she's finally gone mad. She must have.
But their presence is like the first feeling of gentle warmth upon her skin as the sun crests the horizon, like the gentle lap of tides along her heels, the sway of branches and leaves as the wind blows through them like an instrument all it's own. They are the soothing sound of rain against the window as she watches the dreary skies in fond longing, the first bloom of spring as color blooms upon the landscape like paint had been spilled across the hills and valleys.
They are like the faint spark she carefully nurtures and stokes, so fragile even the smallest wind could blow it out like a candle. She cradles it within her palms, pleads with whoever will listen – prays that someone finally listens, because if not for her, then for them.
She's failed to protect too much already, let too many people with so much trust in her fall between the cracks of her fingers like grains of sand. She won't let them go – she can't.
If nothing else, if she couldn't be saved when she begged for salvation from that five hundred year long agony, even if she never got that chance..
Furina will make sure they do.
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#genshin cult au#genshin impact cult au#fic tag#furina#so um. looks around. okay look. i know im like THE ts@r1ts@ dealer (censored so it doesnt show in tags. hopefully)#but the moment i saw furi in fontaine the day it released she became my fav even more then the tsaritsa SORRY SHES SO..#this is my love letter 2 furi (making her suffer unimaginable horrors)#open ended kinda in case i decide on making a sequel maybe#furi makes me feel cuteness aggression so bad i start acting like a rabid animal#furina the woman that you are. thats my girlprince meow meow id kill someone for her#playing her part as archon so well but being so horribly irrefutably human in every way..#five hundred years not even knowing what the real plan was. when it would end. knowing if she slipped up it was over.#and in the end almost no one knew what really happened. a select few people know the real weight of her sacrifice.#furina's story was always a tragedy. it was never going to be anything but a tragedy.#and thats one of the most tragic parts of it isnt it? she didnt know how itd end. she didnt know her story was always going to be a tragedy#furina never knew a thing. and still she did it for the people of fontaine and succeeded.#how do you define “yourself” when you havent existed for 500 years?#to be so selflessly human you give up “yourself” to save people who will never know of your sacrifice.#sometimes i think about the confrontation on the stage and have a week long mental breakdown#sacrificing EVERYTHING for fontaine and still. still! the people closest to you turn on you.#heavy on clorinde. she was as close 2 furi as neuvi fight me on this. i bite.#her bodyguard and friend and she ends up staring down her blade wondering if this is it. she failed. she failed them all#because even when faced with the trial. with losing everything. she still thought only about fontaine. oh furina.#do you think she has nightmares. wonders if she was never meant to win this game of g-ds. that her story was always meant to be a tragedy?#do you think she still wonders if she was ever meant to have a chance at a happy ending? a doomed tragedy from beginning to end
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One of the very first lu fanfictions I wrote (which is posted exactly nowhere and never will be) was a darksverse. It was a lot of fun to come up with! Dark Sky is Depth, and one of his big freaky traits was an awful-sounding voice :)
#I am in the mood to doodle#well maybe I still will be after sleep#if I am I might try to doodle some of the others#they were fun#not meant to be sympathetic for the most part#hehehe#my art#linked universe#lu sky#linkeduniverse#oh I should give this a tag#lu darks au is probably used already umm#lu z darks au#z for zarvasase?
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Wizard bug? Wizard bug.
#flight rising#my art#frfanart#everlux#fiddle#I KNOW HE DOESNT HAVE ENOUGH LEGS!!! i couldnt make it look right lol. hes just a kid so maybe he gets more when he grows up. idk#i just need one more gene to finish brewing for him and i will have already completed an impulse everlux project#yippie !!!!!#(well and to get the permababy scroll but he has to grow up so i can level him up first anyway)#i love to generously interpret genes in ways they were not meant to be interpreted btw. yeah i know its a cocoon thing.#but not on this little guy. on this guy its a wizard getup.
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