#and matt is absolutely a grown man who made his own bad decisions

[your-turn-to-role]

This is coming from a place of genuine confusion....but why does a sect of the fandom dislike Marisha so much?? Like, I haven't seen it for ANY of the other players. Is it a "wife/girlfriend of the DM" complex, because I've seen that before. Idk, I don't get it, and no amount of googling has made me understand lol.

yeahhhhhhh

okay, to preface, i absolutely disagree with all of the marisha hate, i think she's a great player and is really unfairly treated

but a couple reasons why this tends to be a thing:

1) just plain old regular misogyny, yeah. all the girls on cr get it to an extent, but it's stronger with marisha - the idea that dnd is inherently a man's game and therefore no woman could be good at it is pervasive even in this fandom, not outright, but in subtle things, like how people give the guys a lot more leeway to do dumb shit than the girls, and on dnd posts in the past i've seen comments like "this reads like how laura and marisha would describe dnd while their husbands facepalm in the background", which like... isn't really harmful on the surface, but i have a hard time imagining matt and especially travis ever facepalming at their wives genuine ideas? like if it's obviously meant to be something ridiculous and not taken seriously, sure, but otherwise, that subtle implication that they see travis as a better player than laura is just way off. (and matt has more dnd experience than marisha but like... she's still a very good player)

2) the keyleth instinct. so here's the thing about campaign one and the characters they chose to play - the majority of the cast played within their comfort zone. they branched out a lot for c2, and obviously they as people aren't identical to their vox machina counterparts, but they're not too far away either. liam's stated he irl would be a rogue, taliesin likes playing intelligent edgy teenage assholes bc he was one, laura is a bit more goofy than vex but she still thinks a lot the same, scanlan is very sam, travis is obviously a lot smarter than grog but he still fell very in line with the kind of character travis is comfortable playing and the things he wants to explore.

but marisha chose a character in campaign one who was completely the opposite of her natural self. marisha is confident and very take no shit and a natural leader, keyleth is awkward and shy and doubts herself and overthinks things and has really bad luck in basically everything she ever tries. and people watched campaign one and assumed all of those traits were just the way marisha was. if you aren't drawn to keyleth as a character, it's relatively easy to find ways to hate her (which again circles back to the misogyny a bit). they see keyleth constantly fuck up due to awkwardness and think "marisha doesn't know how to play the game". they see keyleth be a mess of a person socially and think "wow marisha's not a very good actor if she can't handle this", completely ignoring the fact that she is acting very well and it's proven by the fact that they think keyleth is marisha

(and while she still gets hate as either character, the keyleth hate was far worse than the beau hate)

3) people just, not getting what she's doing. i wasn't in the fandom for the early days of cr2, but i have friends who were, and they've said there were circles of the fandom where everything marisha did was in question, even people not believing beau was a lesbian when it's made obvious in episode one, because what if she's doing it on purpose as a scam? and like, to broaden that a bit, i think marisha's characters and their decisions get misread a lot. i personally happen to find both beau and keyleth very relatable, so i usually get where they're coming from (mostly, bowlgate i was more on caleb's side there, but i still don't think she deserves hate for it), but to people who don't, or just haven't put effort into trying to understand marisha's characters, then between keyleth's awkwardness and beau's abrasiveness i think the majority of what they pick up from marisha's characters is negative

which is a shame, because they're both really good, well thought out, interesting characters.

4) this is going into my own meta for a bit, but, something i've found about marisha's characters is they're quite down to earth and very easily the viewpoint character of the group, in a way? like obviously it's an ensemble cast, but like... let's take keyleth. campaign one starts and ends with her. the very first adventure is triggered by her leaving home for the first time, to start her aramente. she's led a sheltered life up to this point, she doesn't know the world she's walking into - so we learn about this fantasy world at the same time she does. she has the most linear and easy to follow development, her aramente spans most of the story, and once it's done things only get more centered on her. she's now a leader of her people, she's fulfilled her destiny, but that means she lives so long all her worst fears are coming true - that she'll have to spend the rest of her life alone. how did we learn this was her biggest fear? because she's been scared since the start of losing vax, but the reason she has him at all is she resolved to not let that fear control her. and then as the endgame comes in, she suddenly has to face that head on. vax has a week left to live. barely two days after, they run into sprigg - someone who lived so long after all his friends died that he's lost himself, forgotten them, become a hermit of a person who's just living because he's got nothing better to do - everything keyleth believes she will become, and fears so much. but he proves she can still choose to remember them, and choose to live in their absence, not just survive. keyleth is the one who seals away vecna, who's grown so much in her power since that little scared druid girl, she can banish a god. and our story ends with her, and her father, and a raven - she's moving on, she's living, she's thriving, but she'll never forget.

if i was gonna write out vox machina's story as a novel, there is no character who would better suit being the protagonist than her

it's a bit less strong with beau, but she's still one of the more relatable characters, she's a human, who had a rebellious teenage years because of shitty overbearing parents, she's not a magic user, she's from the country we start in (and doesn't have a dark dangerous mystical secret like caleb and veth), a lot of the big turning points in the story have had her take the lead, it's the relative mundanity that gives a contrast to and lifts up the others, while still being a highly interesting character in her own right. beau is a grounding force of the mighty nein.

i personally like those kinds of characters, but i've noticed in almost all fandoms with a main character and then a group of side characters, the main character is rarely anyone's fave, overlooked in favour more (subjectively) interesting side characters, but then because the story puts the focus on the main character, people get sick of them and start to hate them? and in this form of storytelling, there is no main character, but people sorta do that to those kinds of characters anyway. and in addition to all the other marisha stuff, that probably contributes

[something-tofightfor]

Just a Place - Part 3

Pairing: Ryan Brenner x Reader

Word Count: 6100

Rating: M (language)

Summary: Ryan plays his fist “big” show, which results in having to tell Georgie, Matthew and Jack about his future plans

** You will not understand a darn thing in this if you haven’t read “Neon Lights”, which can be found on my masterlist page **

Author’s Note: A long update, and we STILL don’t even get to the part that I really want to write. Whatever. This story is leading me, and I’m not about to try to fight it. 

Tag list: @agent-bossypants @ooo-barff-ooo @likethetailofacomet @traeumerinwitzhelden @mfackenthal @songtoyou @obscurilicious @elanor-of-imladris @thesumofmychoices @suchatinyinfinity @audreychaz 

Let me know if you want me to tag you in on this one!

POV: Ryan

 He was absolutely buzzing with adrenaline and the sounds of applause and cheers from the crowd were still ringing in his ears even though they’d been offstage for almost ten minutes. Ryan hadn’t tried opening his eyes once while they performed their first song, but as he’d paused for breath after finishing it, he’d risked looking out over the audience, hearing and seeing the response… and it had been positive. Ryan’s confidence had grown as they played, his eyes moving over the crowd and back and forth to the men he was onstage with, and by the middle of song three, his first original, the first thing he’d ever recorded, Ryan felt that he’d hit his stride and the nerves were gone. I love this. This feels right. Finding you again before introducing the final song as “the one I wrote for the girl I love”, he bit his lip, reached up to push the hair away from his face and then lost himself in the music as he played, Georgie and Matt and Jack the perfect accompaniment to his guitar. This is great.

 Finishing the song, Ryan hadn’t even noticed that he’d stood up and was playing your guitar hard, but the roar of the crowd brought him back into focus, and even as he raised one hand, waving at the few hundred people that were watching and thanking them for their attention, Ryan knew that no matter what he did - no matter where his life with you took him, writing and performing his own music would need to be a part of it. He turned to you again, mouthing your name and “love you” before grinning - a face-splitting smile that he could feel in his cheeks before walking off the stage. Almost immediately, he felt someone’s hand on his back, thumping hard. “Ryan, that was incredible!” He nodded his head, still trying to wrap his mind around what he’d just done, the pride that he felt in his own playing and singing - as well as that of his friends. The four of them made quick work of stowing their instruments in the room that they’d been given backstage, taking to some of the other musicians before making their way to the gate that led them back to the area where the crowd was. Gotta get back to you, so we can watch the rest of the show. Ryan was just about to pull his phone out to text you when he heard Georgie call out his name.

 “Wanna go get a beer, Ryan? We can come back for our instruments later, and we can talk about what’s next, when we’re gonna jump.” Next? Ryan turned to face his friend, brow furrowed slightly. “What? We can probably get onto another one or two of these festival things in the Midwest before the summer’s over - maybe even find some bars to play in, or venues. Maybe Kenny can get you back in with him. There are plenty of places to stop off.” Ryan licked his lips, but didn’t speak, his fingers still closed around the phone in his pocket. “We can make some money, book some more studio time, record some more of the -”

 “I’m not goin�� back to the trains, Georgie.” He spoke quietly, finally letting go of the phone and using the same hand to run his fingers through his hair. “I’m not… I’m done travelin’ like that.” Georgie’s eyes widened and Jack pressed his lips together, shooting a look over at Matt. “I wanna make music and keep playin’, but… I don’t want to live like that anymore.” Ryan’s heart was pounding but his voice was firm. “This is it for me.” Georgie didn’t respond for a moment, and Ryan looked over at the other two, watching as Jack shot him a sympathetic smile, Matt nodding once - understanding written all over his face.

 “What?” Georgie shook his head, eyes narrowing. “What do you mean you’re done Ryan?”

 “I mean that breaking my wrist really fucked up a lot of things for me and put some other things in perspective, man.” Let me explain this so you understand. Ryan shook his head, tongue wetting his lips as he continued. “I couldn’t play, but I could sing, and I felt… off. I was in one place for months, but it was nice to have a routine. It was nice to know what to expect.” Georgie just looked at him, arms crossed over his chest, eyes narrowed. “The train’s dangerous, Georgie, we know that. Bein’ alone is dangerous. I don’t want to be alone. This is.. It’s the right decision for me.” Ryan sighed, closing his eyes and taking a breath as he cracked his neck. “I can still come to you if you want to record, we can still-”

 “You gonna shack up with the rich girl, Ryan?” His eyes flew open and Ryan stared at Georgie, his mouth hanging ajar. “I didn’t think much of it after Vegas - hell, she inspired you to write that song, so you’re two for two there, but… now? You find her again and figure that you can play house with her and have that easy life, hmm? Give it all up for her? That you’re better than us because you’ve got someone to take care of you?”

 “That’s not -” Ryan narrowed his eyes, feeling his heartbeat quicken for an entirely different reason than before. “She doesn’t want to...I’m not -”

 “You tried that once before, Ryan. And look at how that turned out for you in Utah. Jackie tried to cage you, tried to give you the life she thought you’d want, turn you into somethin’ else because she filled your head with it.” Why does everyone bring her up? Georgie jabbed a finger out toward the crowd, where you were. “This one’s no different, except this one has money and doesn’t have a kid for you to take care of. after you get home from work.” He laughed, the sound cruel even over the sounds of the acoustic guitar player that was onstage. “I looked her up, Ryan. I know all about her and her life. What are you gonna do, Ryan? Move in with her? Live in that.. mansion outside of Philadelphia, get a dog, a full time job, play music on the side when she’s not tellin’ you what else to do?” The look on his face turning into a sneer, Georgie continued, stepping closer while Ryan held his ground. “She another Jackie, Ryan? You fell for that one right away too, let her charm you, and look what happened. Didn’t even take a few months for you to get itchy, to want to get back on the train and away from her. It’s in your blood, Ryan, you’ve been doing it for too long to -”

 “I sold my parents’ house, actually.” Shit. Ryan’s head whipped to the side, and he felt himself deflate as he saw you standing a few feet away, blanket folded and over one shoulder, your hands hangng at your sides. “Closing date is in a few weeks, I’m just finishing getting everything together to move out.” Ryan’s head turned back to Georgie, who still wore a defiant look on his face. “I meant what I said the other night, Ryan can do whatever he wants to do. I didn’t ask him to stay with me, or to stop doing what he loves.” He swallowed, moving closer to you, but you shook your head and Ryan saw that though your eyes were bright with anger, you were fighting to hold it together. “The last thing I want him to do is give this -” You gestured with your hand back at the stage and the crowd. “Give this up for me. He shouldn’t have to.” You shook your head at Georgie, who had yet to say another word. “I’d never let him.” You finally turned to look at Ryan, and though you held your hands out in front of you to keep him from stepping closer, he saw that you weren’t angry with him. “Make sure you get my dad’s guitar back to me, OK?” He felt himself nodding, but Ryan was numb, still in disbelief that the night had taken such a turn, that you’d denied his advance after hearing the way his friend was talking about you. “I’ll… be back in the room.”

 As you turned to walk away, Jack called out your name, stepping forward and tugging on Matt’s arm. “Hey.” You stopped, looking back over your shoulder. “Let us come back with you.” Your eyes darted to Ryan for a split second and he nodded once - just barely. “Public transportation’s no fun alone on a Friday, and we’re done here.” Ryan saw the grateful look in your eye as you accepted the invitation, but you didn’t look back at him as the three of you walked away - and that hurt worse than anything else. A few moments later, you’d melted into the crowd and he was left with Georgie, who had made no move to walk away or to back down. This needs to stop.

 “Walk with me. Now.” Ryan’s tone was icy, the words sharp. “We need to talk, Georgie.” With a chuckle, the other man gestured toward the open space of the park, and when the sounds of the concert had faded into background noise, the two men stopped. Ryan leaned against a tree, thinking carefully about what he wanted to say. “First of all.” Ryan took a breath. “You’re going to apologize to her for that.” Georgie laughed, scratching at the side of his head. “No, you are. That was uncalled for.”

 “I only said the truth, Ryan.” He’s serious right now. Ryan stared at the other man - his friend - wordlessly. “You get sidetracked when it comes to women, Ryan. It’s like you need ‘em to feel whole no matter how bad they are for you.” She’s not bad for me. Georgie shook his head again. “You were gone on Jackie from the minute she stopped and told you that you were good, that you should play your own stuff… and look what happened. You got all your shit stolen for her. You gave up months for her, and now this is… you’re gonna give everything up for this one too?”

 “I learned my lesson with Jackie.” Ryan felt himself shudder. “A valuable one.” I learned that I need to make my own decisions, that it’s gotta be me that chooses. “She wanted me to be me, wanted me to play music…” But she wanted me to stay with her more, especially when she realized it wasn’t gonna be record deals and recording right off the bat like it was for her. I couldn’t have my life, and she wanted me to take up hers. He frowned, chewing on his lower lip.

 “Ryan.” Georgie scrubbed at his face with a hand, voice incredulous. “You’re tellin’ me that this decision has nothin’ to do with the fact that your new girlfriend is loaded? Her parents were a surgeon and a lawyer for God’s sake, and the mu… their deaths? The insurance payments and what they left her and now the house? She can fuckin’ buy you a studio, Ryan. So I guess that is different from Jackie, but -”

 “This isn’t about fucking Jackie! She isn’t Jackie!” Ryan surged forward, finally at his breaking point. “It hasn’t been for almost two goddamn years! Jackie was a part of my life for a few months, months that I wish I-” He shoved Georgie back by the shoulder. “And I’m sorry if those few months inconvenienced you, Georgie, or that my choice now does, but… goddamn, this was never gonna be it for me.” Ryan groaned, bringing both hands up to his face. “You didn’t give Cowboy and Virginia this much shit when they decided to settle down.” Georgie backed away at the mention of Cowboy, eyes going wide.

 “They were gonna have a baby, Ryan. They couldn’t stay, she couldn’t jump trains pregnant.” Oh, so it’s fine if there’s a baby. “They loved each other, they’d known each other for years, it made sense for them to -”

 “So that’s it, then.” Ryan was furious, words coming out faster than he could stop them. “Because they knew each other for longer, they deserved to do what made them happy. They -”

 “He wasn’t happy, Ryan!” Georgie was yelling too, one hand at his side, the other gesturing wildly. “He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t stay, even though he loved Virginia and the baby. Cowboy left, and he came back out here and he did what made him h-”

 “And he died, Georgie. Cowboy fucking died because of this lifestyle, and no one knew for days.” Ryan shook his head. “That could have been me. I could have hit my head when I fell, I could have…” Ryan trailed off. “I don’t wanna die in a train yard and have people like you sittin’ around my coffin whenever they find me, tellin’ stories about what I could have been or what I might have done. I want a life, Georgie. I want… a life with her. I want to be happy and know what it’s like to have someone that loves me. I want to do all of those things.”

 “What about fame, Ryan? A career? What about your music? What about our... “ Georgie paused, looking past Ryan and back toward the stage. “You stop traveling, and this all stops, it just ends. What about the playin’ and the plans we made? Chicago and Texas and…”

 “Those are your plans, Georgie, not mine.” I said it. Ryan took a breath. “This has nothing to do with Jackie. Nothing to do with her or with her money, nothing to do with … lettin’ someone take care of me.” He thought of the way you’d shown him your parents house - a cold detachment to each room, except for the room in the basement. He thought about the way you’d seemed to come to life on the Strip, the happiness on your face as you’d shown him the Wynn, the fountains and even the bridges - your excitement infectious at the things around you when you were free. “I’ve gotta do what makes me happy, and it’s not the trains anymore. It’s not this.”

 “She’s not gonna make you happy, Ryan. You’re gonna want to leave and she’s gonna get mad, and it’s going to get hard and -”

 “You know what’s hard, Georgie?” Ryan stepped forward again, but the anger was gone from his voice. “Hard is returning alone to the home where you parents were killed - where you would have been too if you’d been home. Hard is staying there alone for months, cleaning it out and getting it ready to sell. Hard is not knowing what happened to someone important in your life because the fucking lifestyle that they chose doesn’t allow for safety or predictability. Hard is going through life and trying to meet the expectations of others, and it never being -”

 “It’s gotta be so hard with all that money, right?” He still doesn’t get it. “So hard for that poor little rich girl to see something that she wants and not be able to have it.” Ryan shook his head, feeling his phone vibrating in his pocket, his hand going to it without thought - but Georgie noticed. “Does she want you right now, Ryan? Is that it? Want you to come running back to her? Was it easy for her to get you into bed, Ryan? To win you over with her sob story just like -”

 “We’re done.” Ryan shook his head, the anger returning and making his voice venomous. If I don’t walk away, I’m going to hit him. “You don’t know her, and you don’t know me.” Ryan took a breath, feeling his lips curling into a snarl. “And I guess I don’t know you, either.” Ryan turned to walk away, but after taking a few steps, he stopped. “You know what, Georgie? I don’t give a shit if you apologize. She doesn’t need to hear anything insincere from you, and I don’t either.” He took one more step and then turned fully around, facing Georgie for the final time. “I made the decision to stop while I was in St Louis before I found her, even though it meant I’d probably never see her again...so think about that. It had nothing to do with her.” Georgie’s eyes widened, but Ryan wasn’t in the mood to gloat. “I’m sorry that my life choices are an inconvenience for you and your career, Georgie. I hope you find…” He paused, thinking. “I hope you’re happy.”

 Ryan turned away from the other man, even as he heard Georgie call out his name. Guitar. Cab. Hotel. One step at a time, Brenner.

 ---

 POV: You

 “You almost ready?” Ryan was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, hand running over his beard as he turned his head from side to side. Stepping into the bathroom behind him, you wound one arm around his waist, hand beneath his shirt while pressing your lips to his shoulder. “It’s fine, Ry.” The second morning in Charleston, you and Ryan were getting ready to go out and view five properties - three houses and two condos - and had two townhome showings closer to downtown if none of the morning appointments panned out. Cover all bases right?

 “I’ve never…” He paused, dropping the hand from his face and staring into the mirror, his dark eyes focused. “I’ve never looked into a place to live like this before.” Oh. You’d rented apartments, rented homes in college, booked hotels and Air BnB’s before; it was almost second nature to you, but for Ryan? Signing a lease was probably just as terrifying as making a purchase. “I want to give them the right impression.” With a shake of your head, you pulled away from him, bracing yourself and sitting on the bathroom counter so that you were facing him. He moved quickly, turning so that he could grip the counter’s edge on either side of your legs, his fingers brushing against the bare skin of your thighs.

 “Ryan, what do you mean?” He shook his head, tilting his face down to look you in the eye. “We are a couple looking for a place to rent. We met a year ago, and want to move in together.” It sounds so simple. “That’s it. Simple.” You reached out, putting a hand flat against his chest. “We’re no different than any of the other people that are looking at these places.” He nodded once, eyes darting to the counter where his hands were. Oh. “These?” You reached down with the hand that wasn’t already touching him to run your fingers over his hand, stroking along the tattoos on his fingers. “Ryan, it’s…” You made your way up his arm, touching the inked feathers with the pad of your thumb, eyes following the lines of the design. “Everyone’s got tattoos. No one here’s gonna look at them twice.” He cleared his throat.

 “You always know what to say.” His voice was quiet but he sounded more confident. “We really gonna do this?” You looked back up at him and for a few seconds stayed quiet, staring into his eyes as you watched a flurry of emotions cross his face. Fear. Anxiety. Hope. Sadness. Oh, Ryan. You nodded, watching as he bit his lip and nodded too, the expression on his face changing yet again, finally settling on resolve. “Let’s go find a place.” He leaned in, lips finding yours with a gentleness that always stunned you - soft, warm and sincere, so different than the way he kissed you in bed when he was caught up in the moment - and too soon, he pulled away, the resolve replaced with a smirk that made you feel breathless. “Our place.” Will I always feel like this with him? I hope so. 

 “Ok, Ryan.” You hopped off of the counter, squeezing his forearm once more and walked back into the main room, picking up your purse and the rental car’s keys. “But you’re driving.” The laugh he responded with - a short, barking laugh that filled the room - made you grin even as you turned to toss the keys to him.

 --

 The first place you’d looked at - the condo - wasn’t going to work. Though it hadn’t said so in the listing, it featured a shared driveway and a shared backyard - and the neighbors had kids. “He’s a musician,” you’d explained as the agent that was showing you the property asked why you were wrinkling your nose. “It’s not going to work.” Ryan agreed, though you could tell that he liked the layout of the place, and you’d headed to the second destination - the less expensive of the two homes you’d looked at online.

 “This is better.” He was standing in the kitchen, head slowly turning back and forth as he took in the space. “I like the bedrooms and the living room, and the yard is…” I don’t like it. The place was alright, but it wasn’t somewhere you could see yourself living, somewhere that you could see yourself getting comfortable, even if only for a few months, and it had little to do with the shabbiness of the interior and more to do with the way the house made you feel. “Do you like it?” You thought for a minute, looking back into the living room before walking into it, shaking your head.

 “It’s OK, Ryan, but I think we should look at the other places too.” He reached out, taking your hand and squeezing as he nodded in agreement.

 “Ok.” The real estate agent walked back into the room, and bright smile on her face. “Couple more places to go, are you guys ready?” She hadn’t asked many questions of the two of you, but seemed intrigued by the fact that you were looking to rent and not buy, that you were relocating to the area and that you and Ryan were relatively relaxed on what you were looking for… but she was also helpful and patient. “Let’s head out, the next place is about twenty minutes away.”

 As Ryan drove, he sang along to the radio and you you spaced out, hands linked between you and your thumb moving over the still faintly raised tattoo on his wrist. Charleston was nice, and the previous night, you’d spent the evening downtown, walking the streets and taking the city in. It was lively, there were a lot of entertainment options - and it was welcoming. Even Ryan had been impressed, telling you that the city was nothing like he remembered it - that it was better. It’s just temporary. But it feels… It had been easy for the two of you to walk down the sidewalks, hand in hand. It had been easier for you to find a place for dinner where you both felt comfortable. It was all easy with Ryan by your side, and you felt lighter than you had in weeks - especially following New York, when you’d thought for long moments that none of this would be happening and that he’d choose to go back out like before.

 --

 Jack and Matthew had led you to the subway station after Matthew went back to get their instruments, and though you were upset by what you knew Ryan was dealing with, you’d been impressed by their knowledge of the subway system. “I grew up here, kid.” Jack shrugged, his elbow resting on the back of the seat next to you. “It’s easy.” Neither of them mentioned Georgie, but after a few minutes, Matthew asked what you’d thought of their performance, and most of the 35 minute ride was spent talking about it and laughing. They’re distracting me, and it’s working. You promised to upload the video you took to YouTube, and that Ryan would get it to them, but as soon as you mentioned him by name, the slump of your shoulders caused Matthew to reach out, laying his hand on your arm.

 “Georgie’s just being a dick. He thought Ryan coming back would mean that he was back, you know?” You nodded, still frowning. “He’s got a lot of dreams, a lot of plans… but they all hinge on someone else. Georgie’s damn good with the fiddle, but he doesn’t sing, doesn’t write… he needs someone like Ryan, or it’s just going to be classics for him, and that shit doesn’t pay.” You agreed, and even though you didn’t want to ask, you knew you had to.

 “Do you think… I know you don’t know me, but you know Ryan, right?” They both nodded, Jack cutting in and pointing out that you only had a few more stops to go. “Thanks.” You swallowed. “Do you think he’s going to regret this, regret…”

 “Regret falling for you?” Jack shook his head. “Absolutely not. Regret deciding to stop wandering? Never.” You let out a breath, closing your eyes. “Ryan’s been traveling for a long time, he’s seen a lot and done a lot and experienced a lot, but there was always going to be an end to it, at least by train.”

 “I’ve only met him a couple of times myself.” Matthew spoke up, shifting in his seat. “No matter what, his intentions are always good. When he makes a decision, he’s making it because he feels it’s right.” What about her then? Was that right for him? “Ryan wouldn’t tell you he wanted to stay with you or that he didn’t want to jump trains anymore if he didn’t mean it.” Jack nodded in agreement. “Traveling that way is a lot more dangerous than people think, and usually by the time people realize it, it’s too late.”

 Jack stood and you followed, Matthew right behind you as you exited the train and made your way back up to street level. “He’s going to tell you that he lucked out when he found you, but the truth is that it wasn’t luck.” Jack gestured to the people streaming by, eyes moving between the men and women and children that filled the sidewalks. “All these people? All of that space? Two different sides of the country? Finding each other twice?” You felt yourself smiling. “You meet someone once, and it might be luck.” He grinned, his hand finding yours and squeezing gently. “You guys? That shit’s fate. Can’t ignore that.” Finally, you laughed, shaking your head back and forth as the three of you stopped in front of your hotel.

 “He’s not going to stop playing music, you guys know that, right?” The men nodded, eyes serious and trained on your face. “He just wants to have a… an actual place.”

 “We all do, to an extent. But not all of us are ready to do something about it.” Matthew’s words were quiet. “We all stop at some point. This is that point for Ryan. Don’t question it or him or what he tells you.” The man leaned in, hugging you tightly. “Thank you for convincing him to come here to do this with us.” Why wouldn’t I?

 You said your goodbyes and headed into the hotel while they turned back the way that you’d come from. The room was dark and quiet, and though it was barely 10, you were exhausted.  Flopping down onto the bed after throwing the blanket down, you groped inside of your purse for your phone, dropping it onto the nightstand when you saw that there were no new alerts. Shit. Ryan was likely still with Georgie, still arguing, and although you wanted nothing more than to call him, you decided not to. He needs to do this. With one more glance at the clock, you stood, stripping your clothes off and walking into the bathroom. Shower. It’ll help.

---

 “I don’t like this one at all.” Ryan groaned in the second condo;s main bedroom, which looked like it had last been updated in 1985. “This is…”

 “Yeah, I didn’t even want to show this one to you guys, but since it’s so close to the other house, I thought…” The agent was standing next to Ryan, her arms crossed over her chest. “What are you looking for exactly, Ryan? You’ve seemed… unimpressed with all of these places so far, and I want to make sure…”

 “I want to feel comfortable. I haven’t lived in a house for a long time, and I want it to feel right.” Though she didn’t know what he meant - not exactly - the woman nodded, looking over at you. You shrugged.

 “We;ll know it when we see it.” The three of you left the townhome shorty after that, heading over to the next place - the house you’d found and loved online. “This is the one I’m looking forward to,” you breathed as you pulled into the driveway. “This one…” Ryan leaned over, kissing you on the corner of your mouth before grinning and getting out of the car, eyes on the house. He waited at the front end of the vehicle, taking your hand as you walked up the driveway and met the agent. She unlocked the front door, pushing it open, and the two of you stepped inside.

 You walked through the house listening to her words as she described it, but you didn’t really hear them. This is it. You felt comfortable in each room - the high ceilings and large windows making each room feel bright and lively, the hardwood floors solid beneath your feet. The bedrooms were a decent size, and the back deck was somewhere you could picture yourself and Ryan, relaxing in the evenings or even in the early mornings. “Do you like it?” The agent’s voice startled you out of the daydream you were having  - you and Ryan, wrapped in the same blanket in a chair on the back porch - and you felt Ryan’s arm tighten around your waist as you turned. “You’re both very quiet.”

 Looking up at Ryan, you waited for him to respond, but he stayed silent, eyes moving around the room. “This is my favorite one so far, it’s great.” He finally spoke, and you heard his voice catch. “But it’s too -”

 “Did you ask the owners if they’d be willing to negotiate the length of the lease?” You cut Ryan off, hating to do it, but not wanting him to get too far into the statement he was making. “I know you said you spoke to some of them, but…”

 “Yes. Both houses and one of the condo’s owners have said that they are more than willing to work with you on the lease length and overall rental costs, especially if you’re willing to pay upfront.” Ryan stiffened next to you, and you closed your eyes. It was the first thing you’d kept from him, but you’d done it for good reason, knowing that if he’d known, he wouldn’t have agreed to look at the propertes.

 “Can we have a minute?” The agent agreed, hurrying out of the room, and as you heard the front door close behind her, you stepped away from Ryan, flattening your hand on the wall. “Do you like this one, Ryan?” He didn’t answer, stepping slowly toward the window and looking around. “I do. I think this one is -”

 “It’s the most expensive place we’ve looked at.” His voice strained, Ryan turned to look at you - but wouldn’t meet your eyes. “I can’t afford $900 a month on rent plus utilities and…”

 “I can, Ryan.” You stepped toward him, knowing that another uncomfortable conversation was coming - just like in New York. “Like I said that first night - I need a place, no matter what. I need somewhere to live. I need somewhere to… be. Yeah, if it was just me, I could get an apartment, but it’s not just me. We are looking for this. This is just to give us time.”

 “You can’t pay for everything, that’s not -”

 “Ryan.” He finally looked at you and you saw something in his eyes that you didn’t expect to see - shame. Oh, Ryan. No. “I won’t be paying for everything. But since we’re not looking to stay for a full year, offering full payment for the entirety of the shortened lease is the best way to get people to pay attention. They know we’d be here for that long, and are much more likely to let us go month to month afterward. That’s just how it is.” He swallowed, still looking defeated. “I can afford it, Ryan. If it means giving us… giving you a home, it’s worth it. We can figure out the division of the other bills later, but if you like this place, I want it. I want to live here with you.”

 “I don’t need you to take care of me.” There was anger behind his words, but you didn’t think it was directed toward you; instead, you knew that he was fighting with himself about the way he felt.

 “I’m not.” You stepped closer to him, reaching up with both hands to cup his cheeks, forcing him to look at you, his eyes filled with sadness. “I’d live in a box under a bridge with you if I had to, Ryan Brenner. I’d jump trains with you for the rest of my life if you asked me to - if it would make you happy.” You shook your head. “We talked about this in New York, talked about how you don’t need to prove yourself to me, how I don’t expect anything of you. I’m telling you that I can do this for us. That I want to do this for us. This will give us time to think, to plan, to decide where we want to go next…” If you want to go somewhere else with me… “But we shouldn’t be miserable while we do that. We shouldn’t… God, Ryan. This is…”

 “I should be able to take care of you, be able to afford this.” He wrinkled his nose, shaking his head, but even as he did that, his hands tightened on your waist, holding you close. “I shouldn’t be … Fuck.” He ducked his head, forehead resting against yours. “I’ve never needed to… I’ve never wanted … I should... “ Ryan was stumbling over his words, fingers digging into your skin. “I don’t feel like I deserve this, deserve you... no one’s ever wanted to…”

 “I want to, Ryan. I want this.” He nodded and you rose up on your toes, kissing him. “Let me use this fucking money for something that’s going to make me happy.” He nodded again at your words and you felt yourself relax, hands dropping from his face to his shoulders as he deepened the kiss, one hand sliding up your back. You broke apart shortly after and saw that Ryan’s eyes had softened again, and there was a grin on his lips.

 “I really do like this house.” I’m glad. “Let’s get her back in here so we can figure everything out.” Ryan stepped away from you, his long fingers closing around yours. “I’m gonna pay you back for this, you know that right?”

 “You don’t have t-”

 “I do. I don’t take handouts.” He squeezed your hand and you agreed quietly, content to let him do things his way. This is already a lot for him, I need to take it slow.

 An hour later, you and Ryan signed the lease for your first home, a 3 bedroom single story house in the Avondale neighborhood of Charleston, South Carolina. His hand shook as he signed his name, but once he’d set the pen down, Ryan turned his head to look at you and  there was a brilliant smile on his face. He’s so happy. “What?”

 “Nothin’” He’d refrained from responding until you were safely back in the car, away from the prying eyes of the real estate agent. “I just…” He shook his head, hair falling into his eyes. “This is real now, you know?” You nodded. “I just signed my name on a lease. I have… I live somewhere now.” Your heart swelled, a warmth spreading throughout your body. “Thank you for wantin’ to do this with me.” He leaned in, kissing your cheek, your forehead, your jaw and then finally your lips; the action full of relief. “I can’t wait to live with you.”

 “Yeah, Ryan. Me too.” You swallowed, running your fingers through his hair. He straightened up, turning the key in the ignition and backing out of the spot. “Where are we going?” It was much earlier than you’d planned, barely two in the afternoon and you’d accomplished what you set out to do on the trip. “Ryan?”

 Rather than answering you right away, Ryan simply reached over, lacing his fingers with yours and pulling your hands over and onto his lap. “Takin’ you to the beach.” He didn’t need to say anything else, and so you grinned, settling back into the seat after reaching out to turn the radio up and singing along almost immediately.

---

[karenpage]

you’re honest. you never lie to me

an essay (?)  about Karen Page + the importance of the truth.

I’m going to preface this with yes, I ship Kastle, but a lot of the details, the facts and the principles that will be shared throughout this post are some of the primary reasons I do, and not intended to necessarily change people’s perspectives to their own romantic pairings. 

We’re going to open with Daredevil s1, where it all began.

The introduction of Karen’s character is flanked by ‘guilt’ by ‘the truth’ and what it means depending on where you’re standing when you look at it. She’s framed for murder (an ultimate act of dishonesty), because she was investigating the truth - she lost her job, lost everything, in her pursuit of what was actually happening behind the smoke and mirrors of Union Allied. And at this point, it just looked like money being moved around, which, while illegal and immoral, wasn’t as violently criminal as say, organized drug trafficking and gang-related violence (like the Italians or Kitchen Irish). 

She relies on Matt and Foggy trusting her. She relies on that blind faith. And the few times Karen lies to them (and she does lie initially) was rooted in her paranoia. Her fear. Especially when you continue further on and she’s almost killed in her holding cell, and she doesn’t know who to turn to, who she can place her trust in.

Enter: Daredevil. (that’s a fine looking high horse)

He’s representative of good, working along the margins of the law (vigilante justice), but it is absolute. Of course, she has no way of knowing the shape of his moral code, but he’s the first person shown to save Karen so she latches onto that ideal fiercely. A continued theme of her thinking that Daredevil is the end all be all; he’s saved her, he does what’s ‘right’, or at least what the man beneath the mask believes to be.

Karen’s story arc through the entirety of season 1 is the pursuit of truth. It starts with Union Allied. It starts with Ben Urich. And then it twists into the guilt of Karen feeling the weight of the truth she unearths - doing what’s right, what’s just, starts to come at an incredibly high price. Karen’s life is threatened ROUTINELY, and she persists. She doesn’t stop. 

I don’t think it’s necessarily a death wish so much as it is: people have died on this journey and to stop? To give up because she’s scared? Would be an insult to them directly.

And then she’s at the business end of a gun. And then she’s got so much blood on her hands she can’t breathe. 

We now know (with the release of dds3), that Wesley wasn’t the first person she shot. That Karen Page has always been perfectly capable of handling herself but Wesley’s death is important in the shift of her reality.

It isn’t black & white any longer. 

Because self-defense has a very narrow threshold and while her life would continue to be in direct danger if James Wesley was allowed to live, right then, and after the first shot into his shoulder, he wasn’t an immediate threat. 

Karen emptied the clip into him and buried that trauma, that guilt, way down deep. 

But his isn’t the first life she’d taken. It isn’t the first ghost that sits in her shadow.

So why is Karen so interested in the absolute truth, every inch of it laid bare even if it makes her look bad? Even if it’s ugly?

Cut to Daredevil s3e10: Karen.

After two seasons of Daredevil and one season of The Punisher teasing the tragedy of Karen Page’s backstory, we’re given insight into what’s clearly a defining set of circumstances for her later behavior, for her grief.

Karen made bad choices, and bad things happened; her brother dies in an accident caused by her addiction, by her abusive boyfriend and it’s an absolute, soul-rending ache that we see reflected throughout her adulthood thereafter.

But her dad, a man who had no sense of responsibility, culpability, let his denial of their circumstances make decisions for them and was emotionally abusive -- he took away her ability to grieve. Her ability to take the blame in guilt.

He made the death of her brother about him.

Karen was CLEARLY upset when he told her that she wasn’t ‘there’, that the sheriff was going to call it a one person incident because their family didn’t need more suffering. After her mother’s death, now her brother’s, what would that do to her father if she ended up in prison? It was exceptionally manipulative on his part to phrase things the way he did and that stuck with Karen.

A lie. Not the first but the one that defined her relationship with the truth. With honesty. With justice and vengeance.

A lie that blamed her brother for his own death and a lie that haunted her each and every day, and will continue to until she’s able to come to terms with the truth of it.

We see a scene of her looking at the newspaper (a clipping about the accident), and I think there’s a deliberate parallel there to a scene in dds2, which we now segue into. (we’ll come back to dds3 after, I just thought this was a necessary bit of past information that ties into .. well .. pretty much everything). 

Onto dds2, or; the inevitability of Frank Castle.

The theme’s that tie Karen to Frank are constant, and, in my opinion, needfully heavy-handed. 

Karen learns there’s a man killing criminals, a man who sees the wrong in what people have done and is taking them out with military precision. He doesn’t miss his targets, so why is she lucky enough to get away from The Punisher? What if he knows what she’s done? What if he, like Ben or Ellison, dug a little too deep and saw why she’d come to New York in the first place? Or caught the scent of James Wesley, the gun at the bottom of the Hudson. 

What if she deserved it?

The guilt complex manifests tenfold after she kills Wesley, and continues on throughout season 2 with Karen believing that the reason Frank Castle exists as a concept, is due to the nature of the city. That really, these vigilantes are a product of circumstance. When people like Wilson Fisk rise to power, when there’s a wound in a city of that size, it doesn’t just go away. It leaves a permanent mark and Karen’s literally dedicated her energy to defending the downtrodden. To helping those who need help.

To learn the reason ‘why’ behind every defense sentencing. 

It starts with: he has to have a reason. He knows who his targets are, it’s not a madman gunning down randoms. So there’s logic to what he does, however, distorted by perception, but logic nonetheless. 

We see Karen throw herself headlong into this internal, isolated investigation BEFORE they have reason to dedicate their time and energy to finding a probable defense for Frank.

Karen goes digging before she’s obligated. 

Because she needs to know. Her truths (how many of them now?) are all buried, all dead, all six feet under so that desperate endeavor for honesty and absolution drives her to break into Frank’s house after seeing the files. After seeing what happened to him.

And it grows from there.

Karen finds the truth, wants the truth, and starts to see her grief in the haunted flint of Frank’s eyes and while all of this is happening, her relationship with Matt Murdock has shifted into something romantic. She trusts him. Gets girlish and sweet, maybe even a little vulnerable in his company. 

And in the middle of Karen talking to Frank, in the middle of Karen rooting around in a past that so many have tried to cover up, to hide, Matt is routinely and repeatedly betraying that trust.

Truth. Honesty. Integrity. Components to the walls that Karen keeps up around her, why she keeps most things, most people, at an arm's length.

They either hurt her. Or they die. 

And she wears plenty of guilt for that. Karen’s her own worst critic, her own judge, jury, and executioner. 

Now, Matt’s odd behavior is initially explained by Foggy as ‘drinking’, which wasn’t meant to be a lie that’d hurt Karen ultimately. Foggy did as Foggy does; he protects his friends, and maybe he’d panicked a little and that felt reasonable, right? Better than telling Karen Page that the vigilante she’d been enamored with is actually the blind man that she’s grown separate, and intimate feelings for. 

Again, we look into Karen’s past and we see that she struggled with addiction; pills, powder, alcohol - she’s been there. And her empathy towards Matt, all those hours spent worrying .. are housed in betrayal, ultimately. And he can phrase it like he’s protecting her but really, they both know better, they knew better, and Matt was probably afraid of what would happen if she knew.

A lie is still a lie, no matter the intentions behind it. 

Now Frank’s this sort of ... emotional lifeline for Karen after that first act of heartbreak is echoing around in her mind. Walking in on Matt and Elektra (which, and while I personally resent pitting two women against each other, I recognize the significance and circumstances of; this is all meant to dialogue about Karen Page, not to paint or argue opinions).

She turns to Frank, finds comfort in HIS justice, and it’s definitely an act of emotional projection. Her family is dead. Her family did not, and cannot receive the justice they deserved but Frank’s? That’s an honest to god tragedy (nobody comes out of that okay).

Their relationship continues in such a way that’s built on bald honesty. Even if it’s ugly, maybe especially then. Regardless of whether or not it’s chosen to be read romantically, it is significant, the line Karen has with Frank is probably one of the most important of her character: You’re honest. You never lie to me.

We know why that trait stands out among the rest. After all she’s learned about Frank, knows the skeleton’s in his closet; she doesn’t judge him. Not when the dust settles and the blood on their hands runs the same color red. 

Guilt and grief are hard to differentiate when you’re in the thick of it but Karen’s always drawn a pretty distinct line. 

No matter what, above and before all else; we are our truths. 

And when she collapses in front of her wrecked car (Ben’s, car, isn’t it?), she’s faced with two ghosts: Kevin’s, and Frank’s (he’d told her he’s already dead, what difference does another bullet through another skull make?)

And then he’s dead for real, she thinks. She’s grieving a dead man, loving and mourning him all at once. The scene with Matt hearing her heartbeat? It was done deliberately; he knows what hell he’s put Karen through by then, he knows she’s come to care about Frank in a way that he fundamentally disagrees with, but can’t talk her out of.

But Frank lets Karen know. It’s a pointed scene, on the rooftop. What is it, to be a hero? 

It’s not Midland Circle. It isn’t dying, and staying dead but living in the margins and letting your friends hurt.

It isn’t telling her: I’m Daredevil, and letting the mortification and pain and rage of the last year wash over Karen Page.

So we’re at Daredevil s3 (with an inclusion of The Punisher s1, and how loving dead men makes Karen Page switch to espresso)

We’ve already touched on her backstory, so I’m not really going to reiterate that here and now. 

But the big Lie. The big HURT for Karen this season is Matt. 

He died, but she refuses to believe it (even if she can’t know absolutely either way. Matt’s her friend. As angry as she gets at him, as dumb as he gets, Karen loves her friends fiercely). 

He’s ‘back’, but not really. Karen feels absolutely and fundamentally betrayed; if Matt was back, he wouldn’t let us think he was dead.

So much for him promising he’d stop lying.

And at this point? There’s no degree of self-preservation to it, he doesn’t mask it as keeping them safe. He just cannot live with what he’s become. Matt Murdock dies with the love of his life under midland circle and Daredevil’s fit-together broken pieces.

Karen’s don’t fit with his, but she cares, and she persists. Because that’s what Karen Page does.

She helps. In spite of or despite the circumstances, Karen Page does the right thing in the face of all the wrong. 

Her forgiveness to Matt is slow coming and hell, her defense of Frank to him at the very beginning communicates volumes as to where her headspace is. 

Karen’s tired of grief. Tired of being tired. Tired of people dying in the name of her truth; look at the Bulletin. She’d pushed the Jasper Evans lead, she’d pulled on that thread KNOWING it’d bring Fisk’s wrath -- she still has nightmares -- and that’s because discrediting her, the agent of honesty and truth, is imperative for the liars to keep good in the business of lying. 

So Karen uses her truth as a weapon when she goes to Fisk herself.

No one else gets caught in the crossfire because of her. No one else dies. this is the shape her justice takes and it is as brave as it is stupid, admittedly. 

We close the season on transparency; all seems well with Nelson, Murdock & Page. Truth sits behind her teeth at all times but lying doesn’t go away, it sheds it skin and it grows and Karen Page values honesty. Values justice.

Not how it looks to her alone. But how it fits into the to City they call home.

[danyka-fendyr]

As the Raven Flies: Part 4

I can’t even believe I made it to a part 4 of this story. I owe most of it to everyone who comments, to be honest. I’m an absolute slut for literally any kind of reaction. Like, oh? I made you laugh? Here have an entire novel have a great day thanks. Anyway, I only did lazy editing on this, but that’s because I forgot to write it throughout the week since I’m newly back to school and so I wrote this in like an hour and it’s 2:22 AM at the time I am queuing this and i’M TIRED OKAY

Taglist: @dreamwritesimagines @rhabakoli @disengagefrmreality

Word count: 2186

“See you tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry, exactly what conversation went down while I was getting an education?” Vivien stood in Matt’s living room, shocked.

Matt, for his part, was sitting at the kitchen counter looking like he was physically in pain. Well, he probably was, Vivien figured, but he also looked like there was considerable emotional pain.

“Frank made the…” Matt paused, gritting his teeth, “unfortunately good point that I may not be totally fit for childcare.”

“And so you’re kicking me out?” Vivien fought the tears coming to her eyes, fueled by her outrage.

“It’s not like that, Vivien.”

“Oh like heck it isn’t,” she spat.

“Listen, I’m not just putting you out on the streets, it’s-”

“I decide where I go,” Vivien interrupted. “If that’s the streets than it’s the streets.”

“Listen, Frank knows some very nice people,” Matt tried.

“Yeah, I’m sure he does. I don’t want to get to know them. I certainly don’t want to bust down their door demanding they give me food and shelter.”

“It wouldn’t be like that.”

“I’m no one’s charity case, Matthew!”

Matt flinched at her volume, and maybe at her words as well. He stood slowly, sighing as he crossed the room to put a hand on her shoulder. His eyes tried to focus on her, drifting over her shoulder and swimming in the flames that illuminated his world. Sometimes Vivien wondered if the fire he saw outside lit him up on the inside as well, burned through him like it burned through her, bright hot and slicing its way up and out.

“I know you’re not. I know...I know you’re not a charity case. Not mine. Not anybody else’s. But Vivien, I’m trying to protect you.”

“How is this protecting me?” A hot tear rolled down her face as she whispered the words, and she dashed it away with her sleeve.

“You and I both know this isn’t working. You survive on take out and Ramen noodles, you don’t get enough sleep, you’re permanently exhausted and you’re hurting and I...I don’t know how to fix that, Vivien.”

For the first time, Vivien saw how much the blind man could actually see. He looked so helpless like this, hands grabbing at fistfuls of his hair, scrambling for something to hold onto. And for a moment, she saw how bad she really was at hiding how much everything hurt. She had always known he caught glimpses, but now…

“I don’t know how to make this better,” he whispered, eyes dull as they watched the floor, as he felt the vibrations of the city moving around them and heard its song.

Vivien wasn’t sure when it happened, but she was crying. Gosh, she was crying like a baby, fat tears falling down her face faster than she could wipe them away, mouth twisting into some twisted version of the fake smiles she had trained herself to wear and couldn’t even escape when she cried. He was right, and she was crying about it.

She had sunk to the floor, pulling her knees to her chest, and Matt joined her, arms wrapping around her softly like he could protect her. They both knew he couldn’t, but it was so much easier to just pretend.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, rocking with her sobs. “I’m so sorry. I promise, I promise you Vivien, I am not abandoning you. We’re going to figure this out. We’re going to find you a home.”

“I don’t want a home.” Her voice came out as a high keening sound. “I want here. I want to stay here.”

“I know. I know.”

And that was all they said. For a long time, they stayed like that, crying on the floor in an ugly apartment right in the thick of Hell’s Kitchen. Vivien knew from experience though that she could only cry for so long.

She sniffled, wiping at her face again, and Matt handed her another tissue. At some point, he had grabbed a box of them.

“Does Karen know?”

Matt looked at her. “What?”

“Does Karen know?” Vivien repeated.

“Oh. We forgot to tell Karen. Huh.”

“Matt!” Vivien punched him in the arm, not bothering to go light.

“Ow! Okay, okay, we can tell her. She’s supposed to be coming over anyway. Any minute now.”

Speak of the Devil.

“Matt?” Karen’s muffled voice could be heard from the other side of the door as she knocked.

“Come in!”

Vivien scrambled to make herself look presentable, trying to hide the very obvious fact that she had been crying. Matt stood up, helping her to her feet and kindly not mentioning her bloodshot eyes that probably made it look like she’d started a marijuana garden in Ms. Simmons’ biology lab.

“Hey, you said-” Karen dropped her bag on the floor, taking her coat off in a rush so she could cross the room to get a better look at Vivien.  “Oh my gosh. Is everything okay?”

“No.”

“Yes.”

Karen glanced between the two, raising an eyebrow.

Vivien sighed. “Also yes.”

“What happened?” Karen gave her a concerned look.

“Frank Castle happened. He’s the worst, K. You don’t have my permission to date him.”

“I am not dating Frank.”

“Good. He’s a jerk and I hope he accumulates an absolutely massive amount of cabbage and then has it all destroyed in a series of unfortunate events.”

“Oh no. She’s swearing. Seriously Matt, what happened?”

“Frank pointed out that I might not be the fittest caretaker for Vivien,” Matt said, reluctant to look anywhere near where he could hear Karen.

“Well, I can see that. Poor thing. Has he even fed you yet? Do you want me to make something? You look like you need some soup sweetheart.” Karen gently wiped at some stray tears Vivien had missed.

She shook her head, sniffling again. “I can eat in a minute, Karen. It’s not important.”

“And that’s why you’re a terrible influence on her.” Karen glared at Matt, forgetting he couldn’t really see it.

 “Which is why she won’t be staying with me anymore.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“That’s what I said,” Vivien spoke up.

“Matt, as bad as you are at this whole childcare thing, I’m not sure leaving her on the streets is your next best option.”

“I am not leaving her on the streets!” Matt exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air.

“Well, then what is happening here?”

“Frank suggested he could find Vivien a better home. She could quit being a vigilante and start being a normal teenager. Frank knows a guy who knows some really nice veterans.”

“First of all, I’m not quitting vigilantism. I just got a name! Secondly, I would rather be on the streets than with some random stranger.”

“You’ve made that very clear,” Matt grumbled.

“You can’t tell me what to do Matt. Technically, I’m an adult.”

“Your legal status absolutely does not make you an adult.”

“According to Uncle Sam it does.” Vivien stuck her chin out defiantly.

Karen had been watching this whole exchange with a fascinating look on her face. If the two had bothered to glance her way they would have seen that she was clearly deep in thought. It almost looked like the face she made when she was trying to sort through all the details of a new story.

“You guys,” she said.

“Well then you can go join the army if you want to be treated like a real grown up.”

“Guys-”

“Maybe I just want to have some input in decisions that will drastically impact my life, Matthew.”

“You guys!”

Both of them turned to her, blinking like a couple of deer in the headlights.

“Why doesn’t Vivien just stay with me?”

“I feel like I’ve said this a lot today, mostly in math class, but what?” Vivien stared at her like she had grown another head.

“I mean, think about it. I’m clearly more fit to be your caretaker than Matt -not that that’s difficult-” Karen paused to roll her eyes. “I have the space in my apartment, I did the math and I make enough money for the extra cost. It would be perfect.”

“Karen, no,” Vivien said. “I can’t let you do that.”

“Why not? Sleepovers every night.”

“I know, but the money, Karen. I can’t.”

“You can. End of discussion.”

Well there was really no arguing when Karen said end of discussion.

“I guess I’m moving in.”

It was no cup of tea moving all of Vivien’s stuff to Karen’s place. She hadn’t thought she owned that much stuff, but apparently, she had been wrong. She had a habit of keeping silly things for nostalgic value. Or, in Matt’s words, “You’re a hoarder! You need help.”

Vivien yawned. It was officially way too late for any normal teen to be up, and after this day she didn’t feel so keen on stopping any crime. She just wanted to curl up in her new bed and go to sleep.

They could have moved her in another day, but Vivien had wanted to do it tonight. She reasoned that if she didn’t do it now, she would lose her nerve. She had also incorrectly presumed she owned fewer things, as previously stated. Mistakes were made.

“I am in physical pain,” Vivien groaned, slumping down on Karen’s couch. “And if I have to put one more thing in a box, I’m going to just start screaming.”

“No more boxing things. Now we just have unboxing. The good news is, we can take our time with the non-essentials. Potentially put them in a storage unit and never let them see the light of day ever again.”

“Oh. That sounds delightful.”

“How does sleep sound?” Karen sat down beside her, long reddish blonde hair spilling over the back of the sofa slightly.

“It sounds good. I love sleeping here because I get to sleep on an actual bed instead of Matt’s couch. But don’t tell him I said that.”

“You know I’m still here, right?”

Vivien cracked an eye open. “I did not know that. Thank you for all of your help Matty. Your couch was very comfortable. I will see you next week for bridge.”

“I don’t even know how to play that game.”

“Neither do I, so we’re on even ground.”

Matt just sighed, holding his arms out for her. Half-reluctant to move, Vivien dragged herself off the couch and ended up in a tight hug from Matt. His arms wrapped around her like an octopus, and she realized he was really going to miss her a second before he said it.

“It won’t be the same without you.”

“Well you’ll still see me on weekends. The only difference will be that we’re in costume. And also fighting for our lives.”

“I don’t suppose I could convince you to quit, could I?” Matt let her go, taking a few steps back.

“Not a chance.”

“That’s kind of what I thought you would say. Be good. Don’t do anything extra stupid.”

“No promises, Murdock.”

“Goodbye, Vivien.”

“Goodbye, Matty.” She smiled softly, waving him off.

Matt headed out the door, and Vivien heaved a sigh.

“I hate goodbyes.”

“Everyone does, I think,” Karen mumbled sleepily.

“K, you can’t sleep on the couch. You’ll mess up your back.”

“I can live with that.”

“Come on.” Vivien tugged at her arm, and Karen whined. “What will get you to move?”

“Tell me about your day at school,” she demanded.

“My day at school?”

“Yes. Responsible guardians generally ask that sort of thing.”

Vivien rolled her eyes. “Yes, I’m aware. It was extremely unremarkable. I did make a friend though so you can be proud of me for that.”

“Oh yeah?” That seemed to catch Karen’s interest, and she opened her eyes, sitting up straight. “Who?”

“You have to get up and go to bed first. Then I’ll tell you. Like a bedtime story.”

“Who’s the guardian here anyway?” Karen complained. Nevertheless, she stood, padding her way into her bedroom and her bed. “Spill.”

“Just some guy on the bus. His name is Hunter. James Hunter.”

“Wait, James Hunter like, almost beat you for top of the class last year James Hunter?” Karen asked.

Vivien’s eyes narrowed. “Yes. I still haven’t forgiven him for that.”

“I know. You still talk about it. You guys are friends now?”

“Well, it’s more like I’m his project. He said he would help me get Brannigan off my back. It’s a friendship of convenience.”

Karen giggled. “So you could say you’re friends with benefits?”

Vivien stared. “You need to go to sleep.”

“Maybe. But I’m not wrong.”

“The benefit is health insurance, Karen. And a 401K.”

“If you say so,” she sing-songed.

Vivien responded by throwing a pillow at her.

“Hey!”

“I’m going to bed. I’ll see you when you’re willing to be reasonable.” Vivien started her walk out to the hallway, heading to her own bed.

“Tell me more about your boyfriend tomorrow!”

“He’s not my boyfriend!” The frustrated face plant she did into her pillow might have said otherwise though.

Moving in with Karen was quite possibly a terrible mistake.

[klimpaloon-loves-superwholock]

I know this is a bit late, and I don’t usually make original posts, but I want to gather my thoughts on VLD s7, even though I literally never participate in fandom discourse lol. So I guess we’ll see how this goes. 

There were great parts of this season. Let’s start with that. 

First of all, Hunk was incredible and I’m so glad he finally got an arc where he could shine, even if I feel like it was long overdue. Seriously, I feel like Hunk was the best part of this season and I cannot state enough how much effect he had on my overall impression of the season. He basically carried the season singlehandedly and I don’t understand why searching through the tag rn I can hardly find any appreciation for him this season. (yeah jk I know why ha)

Everything they did with the Paladins’ families (from Hunk’s arc about rescuing his parents to Lance reuniting with his family and his relationship with Veronica to freaking Colleen!!!! just straight up stealing the show for two episodes!!! What an icon I love her so much!) was absolutely perfect. (I will say I’ve seen speculation that Hunk’s sister and her kids died since they weren’t there in his hospital room, which I desperately hope is not the case since that really should have been mentioned.) 

I also loved seeing Shiro take charge and become Captain of the Atlas without even seeming to realize that he was the man for the job. 

Sendak was a formidable and interesting villain who raised the stakes, which made it more satisfying when they defeated him. 

I enjoyed getting to know Romelle more and see her in action.

Coran and the mice’s team up to break out the rest of the gang was very good and funny.

KOSMO!!!!!!! A GOOD PUPPY!!!!!! HE HAS A NAME!! I LOVE HIM SO!!!

I enjoyed seeing Lotor’s ex-generals again (because I love them), although I do have some issues which I’ll get to later.

The new characters they introduced, mainly Rizavi, Leifsdottir, Kinkade, Veronica, and Griffin were all great and I loved them! They did a great job of making me care about these new people. (And Kinkade is drawn so pretty what the heck y’all sleepin on this beautiful dude)

Seriously Colleen was so great I cannot stress this enough. I’ve been feeling for this poor woman who thought that she’d lost her whole family since season 1 so I’m so glad to finally see her in action, fighting for her family and her planet.

They did a good job of setting up Admiral Sanda’s inevitable betrayal, even if it was a really stupid thing for her to do.

Ep 5 was great; I was super excited to see what the Druids looked like under their masks, Macidus and Keith’s teleporting fight was awesome, and it’s always great to see Allura’s magic develop more, even when I wish it wasn’t so unclear how/what she’s doing.

Lots of the fights were so cool, from the Voltron team taking down the Galra drones in the cave system in Ep 2 to all the MFE fights to Shiro’s rematch against Sendak to even Voltron’s fight against the Robeast. These fights, I’ve noticed, are always especially cool when they unlock a new ability like Hunk’s turrets and Voltron’s double swords. Also I forgot how strong Alteans are until Romelle just straight up ripped apart a drone.

As much as I overall didn’t like The Feud as an episode, it did have some great moments with Pidge taking down Bob, Allura and Hunk being cute in the background, and the team being overall really supportive and loving of each other. 

Shay came to visit Hunk!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, as you may have guessed, I also have a lot of problems with this season. Ones that, for me, are too serious to ignore. But let’s start with my more minor grievances, then work our way up to the big ones, shall we?

I don’t like Shiro’s new arm. It reminds me too much of Sendak’s and is too bulky/strange looking for for my taste. And for some reason my eyes have a hard time finding it? Like they’re drawn to the light emanating from his shoulder and not the forearm/hand. Idk, but I’m not a fan.

I wish Griffin had apologized to Keith for being such a jerk about his parents. I kept waiting for it since they had all these long glances with each other. I came to like him despite the bad initial impression only because he proved to be a good leader who valued every member of his team and knew when to step aside because someone else was better at a job. But I still kinda needed resolution for his rudeness, especially since he’s obviously grown since then and should want to make amends. 

Admiral Sanda’s just so freaking stupid????? Like, how did she get that high in ranking when she consistently makes such bad decisions???? Clearly the dictator who’s controlling earth who comes from a war-mongering culture that enslaves and destroys planets isn’t just gonna let y’all go once he gets Voltron. He’s either gonna continue using you as slaves because nothing’s stopping him or destroy you because you’re no longer useful. Listen to people who know the Galra better than you!!

I saw somewhere that Matt has a girlfriend now???? When did this happen????

They somehow got the ENTIRE BALMERA to Earth?!!!????!!?!?!?!? How did they build a teleduv big enough to do that!?!

Also, where did they get a teleduv? Did the Atlas have one? Or was that something that they built during the epilogue montage??

How did Keith summon his bayard telepathically?? Was that a Galra thing or a new Paladin ability?

How did Shiro manage to survive falling from space to earth on the outside of a ship while fighting Sendak?? I mean I’m really glad he lived, but??? How??

I don’t think we needed so much time dedicated to Sam Holt updating the Garrison and then the rest of earth on what happened in space. I kinda appreciated it since it’s been a long time since I watched the early seasons, but at the same time he didn’t tell them anything that was new information to us as viewers. The only things we gained from those scenes were how others reacted to this info. (And we still didn’t get to see the reaction of the person I was most interested in, Adam, but I’ll get to that later.)

This is a problem I’ve been having with the show since like season 3 or so, but how much time has passed? They actually explicitly said it at a couple of points this season, what with 3 years having gone by for most people but only a few weeks for the Voltron team, but why did that time difference happen? Also, how much time passed between the team leaving Earth and them fighting Lotor in last season’s finale? Because I could believe any time frame between 6 months to a few years for that, which makes a big difference in how old the paladins are. According to the show, Sam landed on earth 4 years before the team gets back to the Milky Way, so I guess Sam left the team a year before they faught Lotor??

I didn’t get the thing with Allura’s crown gem? Since when is that a power source? And I was really struck by the imagery of her literally throwing her crown away to help her friend, but I feel like it would’ve been more powerful if we had been given some information about what exactly that gem is and what it means for her. Just make this more clear for me. Also, Shiro has already lashed out and hurt people against his will, so I really didn’t need that angsty moment for him.

The B-plot in Ep 1 was tonally dissonant from the A-plot of Shiro’s flashbacks, and it ended up being totally useless anyway. As much as I enjoyed Romelle and Hunk’s banter in those parts, they would’ve been better placed somewhere else. They should’ve just dedicated the whole episode to Shiro’s flashbacks and given us more information about him.

If they were going to mention that Shiro had a progressive disease in his flashbacks, then they need to explicitly mention in the show that he doesn’t have it anymore. As it is, people who don’t know about the SDCC announcements are just gonna assume he still has it. If it doesn’t happen in the show, it’s not canon. Also, if he’s had this disease the whole time, then why is s7 the first time it’s mentioned? The way he held his arm in the flashback reminded me of the way he held it when his Galra arm activated for the first time. Did the arm help fight the progression of the disease like that lil wristband did? If so, that should’ve been explained and made clear a long time ago. It just bothers me that this is the first time we’re hearing about this major part of Shiro’s life that he’s been fighting with, and that in show we’re given absolutely no resolution for it.

I guess the gem powering Shiro’s arm and the Castleship diamond powering the Atlas connected somehow?? Which is how Shiro turned it into a giant robot?     ??????????????? I’m genuinely very confused on what was going on there. It needed to be made more clear. I was on board for whatever they were doing at first just because Shiro looked so pretty in that lighting, but they took it in the weirdest direction possible. Why would anyone care about Voltron anymore when you’ve got a bigger, stronger robot now? Voltron’s no longer the most powerful weapon in the universe - the Atlas is. And it only became such by coincidence. Which is just. Irritating.

The Feud episode. Oh boy. First of all, I got some serious emotional whiplash from the change to this episode. It just didn’t seem to fit in with the rest of the season at all. Second, they just really did not have to spend that much time making fun of Lance for being stupid. Especially when he’s not. Also, the first two of the people he had to identify had masks on, and Lance had only met them briefly. ALSO you’re telling me that Lance, the most social and outgoing of the Voltron team, is the one who’s bad with names/faces????? ALSO spending less time teasing Lance would’ve opened up more time for giving Hunk and Allura their own activities. ALSO everyone else on the team gets a little speech about how they’re valuable, but Lance just gets “I don’t want to be stuck with him forever”?????? That’s so freaking messed up. Third, the whole premise of the episode was strange to me. Like why would an all powerful being who tests heroes do it in this way? It seems to me that that premise fits Ep 6, where they were stranded in space, much better. They were genuinely tested then, and the forces that attacked them and propelled them through lightyears of space were never explained, so saying that Bob did it and propelled them towards their goal as a reward for passing the test could’ve been a satisfying answer to those questions. And fourth, can I also ask why Morvok was the fourth player?? Like he’s a nonentity in terms of villains. And they still didn’t have the same number of players as team Voltron. Haggar’s still alive, so they could’ve put Sendak on there too. And for the fifth player they could’ve put on a fan favorite villain character. One who showed up in more episodes than Morvok did. One who died a while back and who the fans have wanted to see again ever since. Like, I don’t know, NARTI!! Ugh.

The Robeast. I just. This season could’ve ended on a pretty high note if they had just cut that out and just went straight to the lil epilogue after defeating Sendak. As cool as that fight was at parts, it caused a pretty low finale, which is pretty disappointing after last season’s incredible finale. I get that they needed to foreshadow Haggar’s return to this fight or whatever they’re doing for next season and that she’s been working on the lost Alteans, apparently, but it was just a strange note to end on. Especially with the weird addition of Atlas to the Giant Robot Squad. And Allura’s line “Seriously? We just defeated Sendak and now we gotta deal with this?!?!” (I’m paraphrasing) was a MOOD.

Okay, so this post has gotten kinda out of control, so I’m gonna have to save the biggest issue I had (betcha can guess what it is) for another post. So. Look out for Part 2 of this nonsense. Feel free to reblog with your own ideas/input!

[wessonba]

I signed up for a Diana Gabaldon talk and book signing in Fairfax, Virginia well before Outlander Starz was a thing.  It was a sold out event and the one and only time I ever stood in line to meet someone famous. Worried about my navigating (and rightfully so) D.C. traffic, my husband drove me five and a half hours for an event he didn’t have a ticket for. Unbeknownst to him, I had put him on the waiting list and he got in!!!! He was thrilled (hard eye roll here)!!!! As it was our first time at such an event, we didn’t know what to expect and were a little shocked to see a line into the auditorium that wrapped itself through and around a very large campus building.  I was walking with a cane at the time and crestfallen, I knew I would not be able to stand in line. My big burly manly man of a husband breached the crowds of plaid clad women to secure us a place while I sat feeling guilty in a chair.  It remains one of the nicest things he has ever done for me.  Listening to Diana speak and meeting her in person was a surreal ordeal, but well worth everything we went through.  As great as it was to meet her and despite my love for the actors on the show, I can’t see myself waiting outside or inside a venue for the hours it seems to take to meet them.  However, …I swear I would for Matt B. Roberts, LOL!

What can I say?  I’m a fan of writing and Outlander and he is my favorite Outlander script writer. I feel like I “get” him and the way he thinks. Well. at least about Outlander. No, …I really DO get how he thinks BECAUSE of Outlander.  I have learned that not everything a writer wants to be said or happen on a show comes to fruition. There are a lot of voices and logistics influencing the final product.  However, it is obvious to me what are Matt’s focuses and influences when I see an episode he has written.  In my humble opinion, he truly understands why this story and its characters are special. He sees through to the heart of what is happening. He gets what the story is saying about people, life, love, and family. That he is able to translate that visually continues to be a wonder to me.  Case in point? Outlander episode 4.9 “The Birds and the Bees”.

I recently republished a blog post  in honor of the 4.9 episode. I wrote about how I have grown to appreciate Diana’s imaginings of the first meeting of Jamie and his adult daughter. In that article, I point out how the expectations of that moment would have to have been unrealistic.  The import placed on this meeting cannot be understated for either the characters or the fandom. I remember the first time I read it, I was a bit disappointed. I think I was expecting some equivalent of colonial fireworks.  Diana didn’t give me or Brianna what we expected instead she gave us what we …needed. I found myself measuring this episode against that standard.  Did Matt B. Roberts and writing partner Toni Graphia give us what we expected or what we needed?

We Needed to See Their Faces

I’m starting to appreciate how important it is for actors to emote. Not everything can be communicated in dialogue nor should it be in a visual medium.  We sometimes need to see what a character is feeling and I felt their were some really important feelings revealed in this episode.  Lizzie, Ian, Murtagh, Roger and all three Frasers told us volumes with a mere expression.

I found myself really looking at Roger’s face in this scene.  At first he seems just irritated that he still has to deal with Bonnet.  He doesn’t have time to deal with this piece of shit. He needs to find Brianna. When the reality of what the Captain is saying, he will be sailing to Philadelphia, starts to sink in you can see the resignation.  I’m not sure why, but I felt like Roger’s expression was slightly sardonic. Of course he isn’t done with Bonnet, of course he is about to get pulled away from Brianna before he can tell her he hasn’t left.  This is no idle threat. He is well and truly screwed. However, he cannot show too much emotion. You don’t want to give this monster any clues as to how you are feeling and give him any ammunition. How ironic that the one person he is desperate to protect from Bonnet is already his victim. His “especially when it comes to women” line made me cringe.  I think uttering “poor Roger” under my breath is about to become a regular thing.

Brianna. Within the span of a few minutes we see her face reveal what has to be the entire span of human emotion. I felt emotionally exhausted just watching her swing from grief to hope and back again.

I’m not sure I need to comment.  These faces speak for themselves.

We Needed to Know Roger Didn’t Leave

There were some pretty big departures from the book in the last few episodes and I have learned (not easily mind you) to be patient.  Episodic TV can try that patience when you have to wait a whole week to get answers and everyone in the fandom is speculating and spouting disappointment. There are some things I still need to know about Roger and his storyline, but the biggest thing I needed to know was if he actually left. I needed to know he didn’t. I needed to know that it was just an argument fueled by some really piss poor communication, but that it was just an argument and not an abandonment. Nothing more happened than what has happened in my own and many other’s relationships. People got angry and said stuff they really didn’t mean out of hurt and stubborn pride. I needed to see when Roger did leave it wasn’t his choice. I knew when he left with Bonnet, he was coming back.

We Needed This Scene, This Exact Scene

Jamie meets the child he sacrificed all for. The child he never thought to see. Like all important moments like this, reality is never quite as we expected.  Nothing is ever as good or as bad as we might think.  Brianna only knows what she has been told about her “father” Jamie. He had to seem the stuff of legend and fairy tales to her. Her first view of her father was of him relieving himself. That very human reality took him very quickly from fairytale hero to just a man.  It was what exactly what she needed. Her expectations needed this adjustment.  I was thrilled to see they kept this part of the book!  Well, maybe not actually thrilled, maybe a bit uncomfortable, but you get the point.  She rounded that corner looking for someone bigger than life and found a man, a man whose arms were safe place to rest.

In my blog, I point out that Brianna learned more about her father in the few minutes he didn’t know who she was than in all the stories she could have been told about him.  We know fans can often loudly complain about any changes from the book. There were changes to this scene, but none that greatly affected its impact. Brianna learns that her father is loyal, firm, but kind and most importantly that he loves her.  It was so very close to how Diana imagined it.  Creating that visual representation of her imaginings was definitely made easier by actors who seem to inhabit their characters. Sam Heughan was absolutely amazing.  Sophie Skelton played Bree’s excitement and trepidation to perfection. When she fell into Jamie’s arms all felt right with the world.

We Needed Our Mothers

I still struggle with Claire’s decision to leave her daughter in the future. I appreciate that the show allowed Claire to show us she still struggled with that decision. Although she seemed shocked and overjoyed to see Bree, I had the sense that she was also dismayed.  The past is a dangerous place for a woman and I was struck by all that happened because Bree needed her mother. I would find it difficult to reconcile all that loss and wondered at how it would affect Claire’s relationship with Jamie. Bree is obviously struggling and Claire can see it, but she also knows that Bree is a woman now and as such can no longer be compelled as a child to tell her what is going on. However, Brianna needs her mother maybe more than she ever has.  She needs her mother to draw her out and comfort her.  We needed to see that happen.

We Needed To Feel Our Way

I love that this show takes its time with people. The tender and tentative dance between Bree and Jamie was needed.  They are virtual strangers. Strangers who want and hope and long and need to find a way to a come together and build a relationship. We needed to see them tiptoe around Frank. We needed to hear Jamie’s gratitude towards Frank and Bree’s guilty feelings about wanting to be with Jamie. We needed to see Jamie’s avid attentiveness to Bree’s every move and his constant furtive glances and smiles. We needed childhood stories, working together on the ridge, and time around the table family.

We Needed to See That Bree Understood

While it was obvious that Jamie was studying Bree.  It wasn’t quite as obvious that she was studying him and maybe more importantly, she was studying Jamie with Claire.  Bree telling Claire about Franks’s knowing she came back to Jamie was unexpected. The sadness with which this news was received gave me lump in my throat. I felt for all of well-intentioned choices and unintentional pain in Claire’s marriage to Frank. I’m not sure what Claire was supposed to do with that knowledge except feel guilt and regret, but Bree’s acknowledging she understood why Claire had to return was also unexpected and a…gift.

We Needed to Share Our Feelings

The quiet conversations between Jamie and Claire were everything. I get another lump in my throat just thinking about them. Jamie sitting on the edge of the bed rubbing his aching hand, a reminder to us that he too suffered what he does not yet know Brianna suffered. It reminds us that he has known so much pain and loss in his life and Brianna’s return is an unforseen and never dreamed of reality that he doesn’t want to end. He is human after all and a father wants his child to stay. Jamie’s openness and vulnerability with Claire is one of the main reasons this couple holds a special place in my heart. He is able to share his fears and regrets and his joys with her and know she does not judge him. In her arms, he safe to be himself without fear. In return, we know that he constantly thinks of her and a large part of his joy in Brianna’s return is because he knows Claire misses her so much.  His joy in Claire’s return to him has to be constantly colored by her leaving Bree. This child was the impetus for all the sacrifice and the 20 years of loneliness. Their constant touching and silent looks communicate their gratitude for all they have. But, I also feel each touch acknowledges the weight of all they have lost. They have Bree now, but they lost 20 years together with her.

We Needed Something to be Simple

In the end, Bree’s pregnancy, Claire’s promise, Lizzie’s mistaken assumptions, Jamie’s parental protective instincts, will result in complications that will change everything for everyone and I can’t say I’m looking forward to witnessing what happens.  And so, I’m grateful that Matt and Toni gave us something else we needed. The gave us something simple. They gave us birds, and bees and a name Jamie has longed to hear …Da.

    A sweetness that cuts…a reflection on Outlander episode 4.9 “Birds and the Bees I signed up for a Diana Gabaldon talk and book signing in Fairfax, Virginia well before…

[theblacksirenx]

Ending A Date In Disaster

Who → Laurel Lance (& her guy from the library)

When → June 16, 2018. 6:00pm - 7:30pm.

Where → A restaurant walking distance from Hartenstraat, the sidewalk just outside of the restaurant.

Notes → Self Para. It’s kinda long. Laurel is reflecting on being soft and having feelings, then has a shitty date and makes a bad decision.

Feelings. Laurel Lance hadn’t done feelings since she was in her early twenties. When her boyfriend died, that was it. She had never let herself truly feel anything for another person. It was always too hard. Sure, she would share kisses with Diaz sometimes, but he was hardly the kind of man that she could like. He was dangerous and controlling, and Laurel was afraid of him. Being physical with someone and actually caring for them were two very different things.

With Matt, Laurel had both. The physical side was there and it was good. It was better than good even; Matt knew exactly how to please her. But the fact that she found herself with actual feelings for him was terrifying. She didn’t know if she even wanted to feel. She had grown to become a cold, dark woman over the years. For a long time, she was pretty sure there was no light left inside of her.

When she met Earth 1 Laurel’s father, who looked like an older version of her own deceased father, she didn’t like him. But the more time she had spent in his presence, the more he tried to help her, the more she realized maybe she did have a good side. Maybe there was a small similarity there between her and his Laurel. That was part of the reason she had come to Amsterdam; she needed to try and get away from her life of crime and start fresh. She needed to see if that was the life for her.

Of course she still had urges. She loved going off places where she wouldn’t be seen just so she could scream, and watch things crumble around her. And yeah, part of her craved to see someone cry in terror while she blasted them across a room, or brought a tall building to the ground. She was trying to keep herself under control as best as she could.

Whatever it was that she and Matt were doing concerned her a little bit. He said it wasn’t just about the sex, and that was a relief. But she didn’t know where this was headed. She was a lot of terrible things, but she couldn’t fathom the idea of entering more with Matt if that was what he decided he wanted- not while he didn’t know the truth.

It was a struggle, deciding between keeping up her lies until she absolutely had to come clean, or just telling him straight up now that she wasn’t Dinah Laurel Lance, the kind girl who went to law school or lived a life of fighting crime, trying to save the world, and dealing with loss and reincarnation. She was Dinah Laurel Lance, meta human, Black Siren, the girl who had a bunch of names on her list of people she’d killed, the girl who gravitates toward bad men, the girl who has been consumed by the darkness and struggles to find her way out.

Keeping up with the lie was just going to dig her into a bigger hole. She wasn’t an idiot, she knew that she was already in way too deep. Sometimes she wondered if when she moved, she should have just been herself. She just didn’t know when she got there if people would recognize her, given that only a few months prior she was all over Star City’s news as the girl who wasn’t actually dead for two years and was held captive. She didn’t know what these people would have known or heard about her, or her city, so pretending to be the other Laurel seemed like a safe bet when trying to restart. Real Laurel was the one people liked anyway.

Laurel knew it didn’t take a genius to figure out how things would go if and when he were to find out. She knew he wouldn’t look at her the same. He would probably look at her with anger, disappointment, maybe even fear. He had a kid, he’d want to keep James safe. She knew any trust he had in her would be lost. Laurel didn’t know if she was ready for the loss of the person she had become the closest to since her move. 

Regardless of her feelings, Laurel figured that maybe it’d be alright to play the field a little bit. Maybe doing that would help her detach herself from Matt a little bit. She didn’t even know if he really felt anything for her anyway. They never really talked about it. So there would be no harm in seeing somebody else. That was how she found herself getting ready for her date with some guy she met in the library. 

He seemed kind enough when they had met. When he picked her up for dinner, she wasn’t sure if she was excited or not. During the walk to the restaurant, she decided that she wasn’t. All he did was talk about himself, and by the time they got there, she was ready to leave. She decided to stick it out though- he had already told her all about how he was the kind of guy who loved treating a lady, so she wouldn’t say no to a free meal.

As the minutes ticked by, she found herself glancing up at the clock more and more frequently. His incessant talking about himself carried on for quite some time. Even when the conversation would start to turn to her, he’d find a way to steer it back to himself. She was a little surprised. In the library he’d seemed cooler than this, but she was starting to wonder if his personality there was just an act to get her to say yes to a date.

Come dessert, she told him she would rather just go. He seemed eager to leave, but Laurel was fairly confident that it wasn’t for the same reason she was. He paid the bill for their meals, and he guided her outside, keeping his hand on the small of her back the entire time. She breathed a small sigh of relief as they made it outside. She knew he was still going to try and walk her home but that wasn’t too far.

“Listen, baby. I was thinking we could extend the night a little, take things back to my place,” he said pulling her close. Laurel didn’t have the patience for his bullshit, but she still managed to reply softly, “I think I’d rather just go home, sorry.” She pushed him away gently, surprising herself with how gentle she actually was. 

Her library man took her by the hand and fake pouted at her. “Come on, it’ll be great. Why are you in such a hurry to leave, didn’t you have a good time?” he asked. Laurel tugged her hand from him and turned to walk away. She glared at him. “The only good thing that came from this night was the food. The company could have been improved,” she snapped, beginning to walk away. 

“I bought you a meal, you at least owe me a little more time,” he stated, beginning to walk after her. “Laurel come on. You’re cool, I just want to hang out.” 

Being pestered and followed like that wasn’t something she cared for. She was at her wits ends with this guy. She had said no, and he wasn’t seeming to understand. She whipped around quickly to face him, letting out one of her screams. It wasn’t enough to really hurt him badly, but it was enough to send him flying backwards, hitting the ground with a thud. Surely his ears would be ringing for days to come. She could have done more- she could have killed him if she wanted to, but she didn’t want to. She just wanted to get her point across and for whatever reason she decided that screaming was the only way to do it.

For a moment, Laurel forget where she was, and what time of day it was. But as she looked around at the few bodies observing nearby, and the light sky, she was hit with a wave of panic. She had lost control, and she wasn’t sure what to say. She took a moment and composed herself before shooting warning glares to the people around her, not even really looking at their faces. There wasn’t tons of people there, but for all she knew there could be other people watching from windows or around corners. She hoped that her glares would be enough as she turned back around and practically sprinted home, ready to just hide away for the rest of the night. 

[sexatoxbridge]

Simon Cowell and Louis

I just listened to Louis’ interview with Matt Edmonson (x) after reading about Louis’ story about Simon apparently flying him out to Los Angeles to give him a telling off for having a couple of beers before a show. 

Aside from the fact that a story about a grown man flying an eighteen year-old boy across the world to have a one on one meeting is so incomprehensibly disturbing, there are a couple things that lead me to believe that while I don’t doubt that Simon called Louis into a private meeting in this manner, that there were many things about this story that weren’t true. This is purely my speculation based on having worked for a psychopath like Simon Cowell as well as having dated someone who was on the X-Factor with One Direction in 2010 and who told me a very similar story, so I’ll start with that. 

During Bootcamp, immediately prior to One Direction being formed, Louis and another guy from the boys category at Bootcamp bought a bunch of alcohol and threw a party. Because the boys category had multiple boys under 18, when they got caught both Louis and this other guy were in a lot of trouble and the other guy was told that they were both being kicked off of the show. This guy was not only kicked off the show and sent home immediately, but none of the footage of his auditions was included in the final cuts and you can only see him vaguely in the background. Louis, on the other hand, was probably given a very stern talking to, but they kept him for the taping of the end of bootcamp which he was apparently being cut from anyways until Simon Cowell “made a quick decision” and put One Direction together. This is one of the reasons I will never believe that the forming of this band was impromptu. So you’re telling me that Simon Cowell decided to put a boyband together that consisted of four 16-17 year-olds and then thought, “Oh I’ll add that 18 year old kid who gave all of them booze last night as well.” I don’t think so. 

If I were to guess, and this is purely a guess, I would say that Simon Cowell himself probably gave Louis an off-screen and completely unfriendly version of what he did to Zayn on-camera when he refused to dance at the auditions. Simon Cowell is not a nice man. He isn’t empathetic, and he doesn’t give a shit about anyone. So WHY would he put a kid who got busted for getting everyone drunk and another kid with aggressive stage fright into a band if he hadn’t already formed this band prior to bootcamp even starting? 

That being said, this story that Louis told is prefaced with him saying, “I don’t think I’ve ever spoken about it before...just thinking if I can…” which to me sounds like, “Give me a second to figure out a way to tell this horrible story about Simon Cowell in a way that doesn’t break my contract that says I can never in my life say a bad word about him anywhere in this universe.” 

Louis has mentioned that as the oldest member of One Direction he was the one who stood up to the label the most when they were just starting. As previously mentioned, I worked for someone like Simon Cowell and he refused to talk to groups of people about serious issues or problems. If he knew that a few of us were upset he’d corner us individually or take one of us out to dinner so that he could gaslight you into thinking that he wasn’t the problem, that the others were just influencing you because they were jealous or he’d give you a raise or a promotion. Simon Cowell is exactly the type of man to divide and conquer groups of people who are mad at him. Look at his circulating panel of judges. He has a few loyal minions like Cheryl Cole, but it’s not surprising that Nick Grimshaw who takes a couple jabs at Simon here and there didn’t last longer than a season. Simon is not the kind of person who likes strong-minded people and Louis “can’t bite me tongue” Tomlinson was probably as big of a thorn in his side as Dan Wootton made him out to be. I think the only hint of truth that Dan has ever written was that Louis was difficult for Sony to deal with. However, I don’t think this band would have had the success they had if it weren’t for them completely breaking the mould of a typical boyband and eventually demanding that they write their own music. 

What is so unsettling about this story is that it sounds like a classic story from a victim of emotional abuse. Like, “Oh I did something wrong and then I was punished in this kind of weird, but totally okay way.” The man I worked with who was the president of the company and used similar tactics made me believe that I was the problem in every situation to the point that when he eventually got violent the first thing I thought when he hit me in the face was, “Oh my god, I’ve made him so mad. How am I going to apologise?” I was 25. Louis was 18 when this story apparently happened. 18 when Simon Cowell began these little one-on-one meetings that lead to the visible transformation of a loud and flamboyant boy to (relatively) quiet skater boy Louis circa 2014. 

Simon was not One Direction’s manager. There was absolutely no reason for him to be talking to Louis alone like that. Not to mention that, legally speaking, I’m quite sure that a minor would have to have a guardian present for any such kind of meeting (pretty sure, but not positive), but Louis being the only adult would be the only one Simon could manipulate this particular way during the early days of One Direction. 

There is just something inherently sketchy and unsettling about this entire dynamic, and this story seems like a very sugar-coated version of something much darker. 

And that’s what I think about that.

[fedoremelianenkodevoted]

Bellator 180: Fedor Emelianenko and Matt Mitrione conference call recap and full audio

Bellator 180 ‘Sonnen vs Silva’ takes place Sat., June 24, 2017 at Madison Square Garden in New York, N.Y. Today’s conference call featured Fedor Emelianenko, Matt Mitrione, Michael Chandler, Brent Primus, Phil Davis and Ryan Bader!

by SteveJuon @angrymarks  Jun 16, 2017, 5:05pm EDT

Bellator 180: “Sonnen vs. Silva” comes to Madison Square Garden in New York, N.Y. on Sat., June 24, 2017. The pay-per-view (PPV) affair is headlined by a long standing grudge between rivals Wanderlei Silva and Chael Sonnen that finally gets settled inside the confines of a Bellator cage.

Once again Bellator MMA today (Fri., June 16, 2017) held a media press conference with the stars of next Saturday’s huge event. Heavyweight co-main eventers Fedor Emelianenko and Matt Mitrione called in along with Lightweight champion Michael Chandler, his opponent Brent Primus, the Light Heavyweight champion “Mr. Wonderful” Phil Davis and Ryan “Darth” Bader!

MMAmania.com’s Steve Juon was on the line for the call, providing key updates and select excerpts of the conference call below. In addition, we have posted a full audio replay at the top of this article.

Mitrione on whether or not he has any lingering kidney stone issues.

“As far as I know I am 100% completely free from kidney stones, and I’m ready to go.”

Emelianenko on being named by Chael Sonnen as a potential opponent.

“We are in different weight categories (but) we can discuss this after the (Mitrione) fight.”

Brent Primus on whether or not he’s flying under the radar against Chandler.

“Definitely. There’s not a bunch of film on me, and I really haven’t been able to show my true potential and, there’s not a lot of film on me to look up. There’s a bunch of film on Chandler and a bunch of wars, and I think we’ve seen him fight so many times and seen a lot of what he’s capable of doing it. That’s a lot to look up and study but there’s not too much on me so I think it’s a good thing for sure.”

Emelianenko talked about facing a bigger opponent in Mitrione.

“I don’t think there��s any relevance or connection with weight difference. Each fight has its own specifics and it doesn’t really matter if it’s lighter or heavier. Each fight has its own nature. It doesn’t matter to me.”

Emelianenko on the fanfare of being in a co-main event at Madison Square Garden.

“I’m happy to be on a card with very famous and good fighters, and I can be one of them, and I’m happy and humbled to be part of such a phenomenal card.”

Bader talked about getting his title shot against Davis on June 24.

“It’s just any other fight really. After my last loss I had to look within and see what was going on. I needed to take it light, not put a lot of pressure of myself, and that’s when I fight the best. It’s just a shift in my mentality, so this fight is no different. I’m not even looking at the belt — I’m looking to win. I never got a chance to fight for a belt, so here’s my opportunity, and I’m going to make the best of it.”

Emelianenko on the changes he’s made since the fight got postponed.

“We trained in Holland to mimic Mitrione’s style. Whatever the injuries were before now, I actually feel a little bit better, and now I’m in top shape to fight Matt.”

Mitrione on his preparation for Emelianenko the second time around.

“I might be a little bit more prepared for the ground defense. We worked a lot of defensive grappling. You always come up with something new, a new kind of counter, a new angle to work on. Unfortunately for Fedor and myself we had to go through two camps, that kind of sucks. You kind of have to create something to keep it interesting, keep it fresh. Fedor was busy with his life and didn’t get much chance to train, only got a month in. Hopefully Fedor is back to 100% being the badass he’s always been.”

Fedor on the possibility of a back-up plan if Mitrione had another issue.

“Don’t worry about this. I will have my fight with Mitrione. Don’t worry about the contingency plan. I will fight with Mitrione — it’s guaranteed.”

Emelianenko on why he’s still fighting at this point in his career.

“Because I’m a fighter.”

How important is money in taking fights for Emelianenko?

“For every fighter money plays an important role because that’s what you do, that’s your job, and you have to make sure you provide for your family and pay your training expenses. Of course you’re always looking for the best financial deal you can make.”

What went wrong for Fedor in round one with Fabio Maldonado?

“Actually everything was right, but it was the second time in my fighting career where I didn’t see and didn’t feel the punch. It only happened twice. Everything else was correct that I was doing. I just didn’t see where it came from. Something like this happens. If it only happens twice in your entire life or career it’s not that bad.”

Mitrione on getting to fight at Madison Square Garden.

“No it’s like Fedor said, it’s an awesome joint, it’s great to have a fight there, I have mad family and a lot of friends still there. It’ll be a great crowd, a friendly crowd, but it doesn’t matter where you fight. You can’t get caught up in nostalgia. Maybe in a few years when I retire I’ll sit back and say ‘Holy smokes, I did that.’”

Davis on whether or not it matters that this is a rematch.

“I don’t want to downplay the fact that it is a rematch, and there’s extra effort and extra focus that goes into that, but the plan since day one was get the title and maintain it, so it all works together.”

Emelianenko on how he ranks Mitrione compared to other fighters.

“Matt belongs to a top echelon of MMA fighters, especially the elite group he used to fight, and he’s a very dangerous fight. He’s very skilled and very strong and packs a really good bunch, so he belongs to the top tier of those fighters.”

Mitrione on being rated “the hardest hitter” by Joey Beltran.

“I’m really happy that’s the case. You know what man? I’m so incredibly lucky and fortunate that I get to face a guy like Fedor. He’s absorbed the punches from everybody. It’s gonna be an awesome experience. I’ve got 11 victories and 10 are by knockout. I train everything just like everybody else, everything under the sun, but if I’m gonna win the way I want to I’m gonna do it with what’s taken me to the dance so far.”

Emelianenko on how many more fights there are for him.

“Like every other fighter I would like to fight as long as I can and as long as my body is physically capable to do it. God willing we’ll see. I have three fights signed with Bellator so hopefully with no injuries I’ll continue to fight.”

Chandler on if Primus having more film to watch makes a difference.

“Absolutely not. I think I have been battle tested. Brent and I are around the same age, he’s 12 days older than I am, and I have two and a half times the fights that he does. We both pretty much made our pro debuts right around the same time. I’ve fought for world title after world title and beat some of the best names in the Lightweight division history (and) his last two wins were split decisions. I’ve gone out and impressed over the last couple years, I’m at an all time high confidence, and I’m ready to go out there and prove that.”

Bader on whether or not Davis is focusing too much on defending instead of winning.

“No you know he’s looking to go in there and win, just like every other fighter on this call and out there. I’m looking to go in there and take that title from him. You know not like I did the last fight. I want to go in there and put a stamp on it, and get that belt wrapped around my waist in Madison Square Garden. A lifetime of work comes to fruition that night.”

Davis on where he ranks this fight compared to the rest of his career.

“I’ve already committed to this fight to being one of my best performances of all time. I’ve had a great training camp, and my skills are just, I just feel great. My all around game is just great right now, which is why we agreed to take this fight on such short notice. I wasn’t originally supposed to be on this card and I got on it on short notice for a title fight. We were completely fine with it because my game is just at another level right now. I’ll look back on this night and say ‘Man — not only was Madison Square Garden great, but I really threw down that night.’”

Davis on this being his first title defense since beating Liam McGeary.

“In my mind I was always a champion even before I was. I still have everything to prove that I always have. I’m going to put on such a great performance it will undo the bad performance I had in the past. It’s not so vindictive like I have to get him back for getting me. Every time I get in the gym, what motivates me is setting the bar even higher than I did last time. I have to raise that bar another notch and say hey, here’s a guy who defeated me before, and we’re going to have an even better performance than when I beat Liam McGeary and took the belt from him.”

Bader on having won against Davis the first time they met.

“I’m such a different fighter than I was that night. I’ve grown more in the last seven months than I did in the five years previous to that. I’m looking at this as a whole new fight, I’m a whole new fighter, and I’m sure he is too. I’m not looking in the past, I’m not looking in the future, I’m looking at next weekend.”

Bader on the change of opponents from “King Mo” Lawal to Davis.

“They both have a really good wrestling pedigree, but at that point we were kind of focusing on ourselves anyway, laying that foundation for a hard training camp. It was a seamless transition right into Phil. It was pretty easy on our side.”

Emelianenko on when he’ll arrive in the United States.

“I’m already in the United States, I came yesterday. Where I’m going to train is probably the hotel. My plan is to relax, get acclimated, and buy some toys and clothes for my youngest daughter. That’s my plan right now before the fight.”

Chandler on what motivates him as the champion.

“Coming back and proving my worth in this Lightweight division, it’s been a roller coaster of emotion, but now I could care less any more. I live this sport, I breathe this sport every single day, and there’s not a man who works harder than me. All that matters to me is winning fights and providing for my wife and future children, and everybody else can kick rocks.”

Emelianenko on whether or not his style has changed over the years.

“Everything of course depends on the way the fight will go. The only reason why you saw more striking is because I trained more in striking and because I felt I could stand up with the guys who are strikers, but to say I’ve changed my style is not true. It all depends on how the fight will go, the course it will take, and whether it’s striking or submissions I’ll take care of it.”