#and loop... no longer being human. having that disconnect. BEING human FEELING human. but not being.

[lucabyte]

I am literally obsessed with everything you do that involves sifloop you are THE sifloop artist to me

thank you!!! it means a lot to hear that haha

I've been like... near exclusively an OC artist for like 8 years at this point so every time i post fanart and ESPECIALLY ship art i feel like i have to fight every screaming cell in my body to post it because i feel like... RUDE? for projecting my own thoughts onto another creator's characters LMAO... so it's reassuring to know people actually like what i'm contributing!!

as for sifloop as a ship. i really should draw more isiloops because . rotates all three of them in my mind. but yeah. I think the thing I like most about the dynamic really is the like... way Siffrin and Loop canonically aggress each other despite an extremely persistent undercurrent of caring about the other not suffering.

Like. the back and forth between Loop constantly talking past/through Siffrin to really painfully insult the pair of them, and things like the [Forgetting Mirabelle's Name] event being so astoundingly gentle. just as a general example. (RNG event that only triggers after certain actions so you may need to look it up)

THEN adding the element of throwing them in postcanon with neither of them wanting to upset the party and thus having to keep a lid on it... I like the potential dynamics of such a painful and conflicted relationship having to be almost hidden and downplayed so as to try and not worry anyone, and thus becoming softer and introspective while still keeping a bunch of the more insidiously toxic behaviour.

Both of them acting with genuine best intentions in mind but still understanding each other to have way *way* more sadness and anger and guilt than they let on, and thus being able to clock it. Both for good and ill. Neither of them enjoy confrontation, but it's almost unavoidable when they KNOW the other knows what they're probably thinking.

. but yeah i just think they're neat! also a bunch of stuff related to asexuality but . shh

[swanpyart]

Prepare For My Most Deranged Slay The Princess Theory That Makes Sense The More You Think About It - The Narrator IS Another Voice

I'm a bit jumbled so bear with me, but I realized a lot of odd things that give me the idea that the Narrator is actually another Voice and another facet of the Long Quiet.

The game goes out of its way to make it clear that the Narrator is different from the Voices; he has a degree of power over the Player that the other Voices initially lack, he has info about the world that the Player does not, and his authoritative nature puts him (and us by default) in opposition with the Princess. Because of this, none of the other Voices treat him as an equal or even as a friend: They are all either opposed to him, treat him as someone who can be listened to but ultimately ignored, or outright dismiss him. In the Thorn Route, Hero even points out that the Narrator "doesn't count" as one of them.

Another difference is that the Narrator never learns new info from previous chapters; we essentially get a new Narrator each one, while literally EVERYONE else remembers what happened before. This alone feels like the game pointing out the disconnect between the Narrator and the rest of the Long Quiet.

Now, for what my theory hinges upon.... the Start Over Ending, where the Princess wipes the Long Quiet's memories and causes the entire game to start over from scratch. The interesting part of this is that both the Long Quiet AND the Princess remark that there's a chance that they'd done this before, possibly countless times, because they were unable to make a permanent decision the previous times.

If this is actually true, and the Long Quiet and the Shifting Mound have been in this perpetual cycle of the Long Quiet finding five vessels, the Narrator's Echo fading away, both gods realizing their true natures but being unable to compromise, and the Princess wiping both of their memories and forcing a restart.... then what becomes of the Narrator? How does he come back for things to restart?

"Well, obviously he's resurrected," You might say, but we're not given any reason to believe that the Long Quiet can resurrect an actual mortal person, right? The entire point of the game is the inevitability of death, and that "even in rebirth, things can't be the same." Not only that, Nary is an Echo, not an actual person, so his presence as a living being is one that's even more precarious than an actual human life; focusing too much on him makes him fade away. The Long Quiet and the Princess can come back from death, but those two are literally GODS.

So, my main theory is this: The Narrator we hear throughout the game is no longer the Narrator the Long Quiet may have originally started with in the VERY first loop with the Shifting Mound, right after the Creator killed himself and split the Gods in half. The original Narrator is actually long dead, along with his original Echos, and now he is merely another Voice of the Long Quiet assuming His role. Perhaps at one point, the Narrator was actually a person who wanted to rid the world of death, and created an Echo of himself to do it, but the Echo of that human has long since faded away, only to be replaced by the Long Quiet to maintain the illusion of the loop.

In this light, it's entirely possible that every version of the Narrator and the Creator we meet is merely an extension of the Long Quiet playing the role of an omniscient storyteller. This could be part of why the Narrator struggles to answer in-depth questions, and why the Creator never goes into detail about his true identity as a human. The Long Quiet doesn't actually know much about the one who created him, and gives the same recycled lines he heard long ago from the voice of a long-dead man.

So, why does the Narrator never remember previous Chapters? That's his role. Every Voice has specific skills and abilities, and the Narrator's role, as a Voice, is to maintain a status quo. With no storyteller, there is no path in the woods, there is no cabin, there is no Pristine Blade, and there is no basement. There's no vehicle through which the Long Quiet and the Shifting Mound can reach an agreement of some kind.

The irony, then, that, if this idea is true, that the Narrator, hellbent on destroying the Shifting Mound, then becomes a vehicle through which her love for the Long Quiet facilitates. It's no wonder that, Like the Voice of the Hero, the Narrator is ALWAYS with us, and if Hero represents our agency, then Nary represents the scenario through which to exercise that agency.

Let me know if I sound like a madman lmao

[ournachojesus]

Death Loop Au, (Forth part, I don’t recap so it might be confusing if you haven’t read some of the past stuff.)

Warning : Talking about murder, torture, abuse, and a lot of disturbing content.

Loops 5-10

How long can they live for? If one of them was seriously injured in a way that damaged their mental facilities would a reset happen? Was there any signs or indications that the loops are limited? If not, how do they end the loops?

That’s what they dedicate those loops to. Mostly experimenting to see the basic rules of this unknown time relapse. Already knowing shigami have no memories or information on the subject they just start seeing how far they can go in the loops. As I said in past post, they never make it past the day Light originally dies. Mostly cause of Ryku but it’s not always him doing it (I’ll explain this more in loops 11-20). The hostile nature of their relationship goes from boiling down to simmering. Having to work together now in keeping everyone unaware of the strange test. Like Light concussing L into a coma, which does end up resetting them after a week. The mark rule is found out fast. No info on the loops is found.

Loops 11-20

Light will always die by the pen of a shigami. They can never get either Rem or Ryku to say what his predetermined life span was in the first place. Super tight lipped. Most commonly is Ryku or Rem that kill light at the marked date. If Light somehow convince Ryku not to do it then Rem does. If not Rem another god of death not roaming the mortal world. Of course Light can and has died via other ways, due to L setting it up. Both do question why. Often talking to eachother late into the night about how the gods of death relate to this loop. While none can remember nor know details of why, the marked date always have Light die by death note of a shigami is important. Lots of questions on why L is involved in the loop too since he died so much sooner than Light. They aren’t the only ones that have died by death notes or shigami so while it probably plays a role they can never get much information since all the people with information on the death note have nothing new they can provide. This is when the hostility starts to boil up,

Loops 21-50

Grand slam, on sight fist fights. Think of planning someone’s assassination, they do stuff like that. Some stuff boarding on torture as they near 50. Actually, scratch that, it is torture nearing 50. L removes Light’s fingers while he’s conscious, Light rips L’s tongue out, they don’t go past removing hands and feet. It used to be quick deaths but they just start slowly going nuts (they end up noticing only after they both go too far later on). Neither plead for the pain to stop, the desperate calls and screams are mostly about wishing for the loops to end. Mentally they start disconnecting when in pain, they’re minds letting rational thought override pain no matter what. It happening so often messes up their brains panic response.

Other half is them mind gaming each other, like chess. In this game they slowly start hurting those around them. Less caring as they view them as NPCs. No torture, letting these people get kidnapped, hurt, etc. Human rights? More like only them rights. Even then, they just start breaking every right. Misa starts to become a victim at this time.

Misa!!

I didn’t mention this from loops 1-20 but Misa can pretty quickly catch on to something being up. Light nor L notice this until after loop 20 because Light straight up avoids Misa like the plague along with talk L into helping him make sure Misa wasn’t involved during the first 20 loops. This deal breaks down which is why she starts popping up again. Since they are now experiencing her figuring it out when no one else ever does and her constant want to help them even though it’s super repetitive, they feel a little relief at first since she is willing to understand them but since this is a time when they are literally no longer acting or able to function normally unless it’s to act, things get bloody. It’s this anger that she always figures out the struggle they are in but is just another repeating pattern like everyone else. A code, NPC, a predetermined outcome, etc. So, when it comes to their chess game she is often the piece put in the worst situations. Sending her into a shady club full of horrible guys with a wire on to “collect information” sometimes they send someone in to help her but it just ends up with Misa going ‘missing�� on those days (she gets her organs stolen for black market), having her be arrested as Kira, having her become a Kira propagandist with her art. Depends, but they are just absolutely abusing and monstrous. To everyone.

L has a lot more power due to recourse and while Light is petty, he doesn’t kill L to make him play at the same level. He could but he knows it never work. L is less attached over all, less expressive with loss of appetite. Often not responding with much fire when Light explodes. Light is a ticking time bomb that can only explode around L, he loses drive to keep up relationships but never acts outwardly disturbing. Both just seem depressed to an outside observer, if they have their guards down. Both are so use to acting now that no one knows what’s actually going on beneath the surface.

NPC effect - Both have been looping for so long that they stop seeing other people as important or real due to none of them changing their behavior or develop unless L or Light change something (these loops can span up to when Light is 23, they loop back to when he’s 18).

Mark - From now on that’s what I’ll be referring to as the day Light dies in the og and as the max end point for loops.

The incidents - og post has some info about it but I’ll be make a post solely on this later.

When writing about this AU I never really thought if this relationship was romantic or platonic. Wasn’t really the focus since the relationship development they have is that of deep codependency and desperation. It can be twisted into either if that was something you wanted (this would change some of their actions).

What you need to know is that they grow into each other like compacted roots. I’ll give a full timeline of just what’s going on in the relationship itself once I have the loops and progression of events down. My thoughts on their og relationship? Even if they care and find the other as an equal that makes life exciting, they are both purely selfish beings. Everyone is selfish but their brand of it is beyond that of a normal person. They wish to be above all others, to have their egos satisfied. Not without challenge of course, that’s why they like one another. The challenge is what makes it interesting and all the more rewarding. During the loop AU their relationship grows to be more than just the challenge. In an unfortunate way they experience deep and meaningful connection with another person for the first time in the most brutal way. Unending repetition and trauma and disconnection from everyone else to a much more extreme extent. Connection to someone but with the want to make them happy because it makes you happy, it’s the first time they feel this. It’s really messed up since they end up believing that the only way they could ever love someone is by literally accumulating trauma. That they were born so broken that the only way they could love like normal people was by being ground into fine dust (these kind of thoughts aren’t ones they’d have in the beginning at all, only after they get so tired they can’t maintain their feelings of superiority that they start spiraling. Both in different ways due to differences but in the same vein of them both thinking they are monsters of sorts that needed to be beaten to become human).

[nikshahxai]

Addiction and Withdrawal in AI System Development by Nik Shah

Author: Sean Shah

The concepts of addiction and withdrawal typically evoke images of human behavior, specifically relating to the dependence on substances or activities that alter mental states. However, in the context of AI system development, these concepts can have significant implications for both the systems being developed and their users. As AI becomes more deeply integrated into society, concerns about AI-induced addiction, the potential for habit formation, and the societal implications of these technologies are becoming increasingly important.

In this article, Sean Shah explores the relationship between addiction and withdrawal in AI systems, examining how AI can influence human behavior, create dependency, and lead to unintended consequences, as well as the ethical and psychological challenges that come with managing these issues.

What Are Addiction and Withdrawal in the Context of AI?

Addiction:

Addiction, in the context of human behavior, involves a compulsive dependency on a substance or activity that provides short-term pleasure or relief but ultimately harms the individual or society. AI systems can contribute to addiction by exploiting users' psychological vulnerabilities, such as through the use of persuasive technologies or personalized recommendations that encourage compulsive behaviors.

In AI, addiction can also refer to the dependency that users may develop on certain AI systems—whether for entertainment, social interaction, or productivity. Social media platforms, video games, or gambling apps, for example, can use AI-driven algorithms to create addictive patterns of engagement, reinforcing negative behaviors in users.

Withdrawal:

Withdrawal occurs when a person experiences discomfort or distress due to the cessation of an addictive behavior or substance. In AI systems, withdrawal can refer to the emotional and psychological consequences experienced by users when they are no longer able to engage with the AI-driven systems they’ve become dependent on. This can include feelings of anxiety, depression, or a loss of purpose, especially when AI systems are deeply integrated into daily routines.

For example, AI-powered virtual assistants, social media platforms, or gaming systems that encourage excessive usage may leave users feeling disconnected or unfulfilled when they attempt to take a break or disengage from the system.

How AI Systems Can Encourage Addiction and Habit Formation

AI technologies are designed to engage users and provide personalized experiences. While these features offer many benefits, they can also inadvertently encourage addictive behaviors. Here's how:

Persuasive Technologies and Habit-Forming Algorithms:

AI-driven technologies, such as recommendation systems, are designed to keep users engaged by delivering personalized content based on their previous behaviors. These systems often aim to maximize user retention, using variable rewards, social validation, and tailored content to encourage users to spend more time on a platform or engage with an AI system repetitively.

Example: Social media platforms like Facebook or Instagram use algorithms to serve users content that is most likely to generate engagement, from likes and comments to video views. This constant feedback loop can create addictive behaviors, where users feel compelled to check notifications or scroll endlessly, seeking new content.

Gamification and AI-Driven Rewards:

Many AI systems employ gamification strategies to increase user engagement by offering rewards, challenges, or progress tracking. These features can tap into psychological principles like the desire for instant gratification or mastery, which can lead to habitual use and, over time, dependency on the AI system.

Example: Fitness apps, like Fitbit or MyFitnessPal, reward users with badges or progress milestones based on their activity levels, pushing them to engage continuously. If not carefully balanced, these rewards can lead to unhealthy habits or an obsession with tracking every metric.

Personalization and Customization:

The more personalized and relevant an AI system's output, the stronger its pull on users. By analyzing past behaviors, AI systems can anticipate user preferences and tailor recommendations, creating a sense of connection and dependency. This continuous feedback loop strengthens the habit-forming behavior, which can make it harder for users to disengage.

Example: Streaming services like Netflix or YouTube use AI to recommend videos based on past viewing history, automatically playing the next episode in a series to keep users watching, sometimes without giving them a chance to stop. This can result in binge-watching behaviors, where users feel compelled to keep watching even after they've intended to stop.

FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) and Social Comparison:

AI systems designed to maximize social interaction or information sharing can encourage FOMO by constantly presenting users with new updates, messages, or content. The sense that something important might be happening while they are away from the system can make it hard for users to take a break, leading to dependency.

Example: Social media platforms often use AI to notify users of new interactions (likes, comments, or messages), which can trigger compulsive checking to keep up with friends, family, or current events. The need to stay connected can create addictive behaviors as users feel they must always be engaged.

Withdrawal from AI Systems: Psychological and Emotional Consequences

When individuals attempt to reduce their use of AI systems they have become dependent on, they may experience withdrawal symptoms similar to those seen in substance addiction. These symptoms can vary based on the intensity of the addiction and the role the AI system plays in the user's life.

Emotional Withdrawal Symptoms:

Just like with substance addiction, withdrawal from AI systems can lead to emotional distress. Users may experience anxiety, irritability, or sadness when they no longer have access to the system or feel disconnected from the feedback loop it provides. For example, a social media user may feel a sense of isolation if they stop checking notifications or posting updates.

Example: A person who is addicted to a mobile game might experience restlessness or irritability if they try to stop playing, particularly if the game is a primary source of enjoyment or stress relief.

Behavioral Withdrawal Symptoms:

Users may also experience behavioral changes during withdrawal from AI systems, such as an inability to focus, difficulty concentrating, or restlessness. This is because AI systems often become ingrained in users’ daily routines, making it hard to break the cycle of habitual use.

Example: If a user who has become dependent on AI-driven personal assistants for scheduling and reminders stops using them, they might struggle to manage their tasks effectively without the constant nudges provided by the AI.

Loss of Purpose or Identity:

For some users, AI systems may become so integrated into their lives that withdrawing from them leads to a sense of lost purpose or identity. AI systems that influence productivity, social interactions, or even entertainment can play an important role in a user's self-concept, and withdrawal from these systems can leave users feeling lost or disconnected.

Example: A user who relies heavily on an AI-powered social media app for self-expression and validation may feel a loss of identity when they reduce or stop their engagement with the platform.

Ethical Considerations and Responsibility in AI Development

As AI systems are designed to enhance user experience, it is essential for developers to consider the ethical implications of addiction and withdrawal. The potential for AI systems to inadvertently create dependency or reinforce unhealthy behaviors requires a balanced approach to design and implementation. Here are some key ethical considerations:

Designing for Positive Engagement:

Developers should focus on creating AI systems that encourage healthy, positive engagement rather than fostering addictive behaviors. This means being mindful of user well-being and intentionally designing AI experiences that promote meaningful interactions, balance, and mindful usage.

Example: A fitness app could be designed to provide positive reinforcement for achieving goals without encouraging obsessive behavior. The system could provide reminders and encouragement in moderation, ensuring users do not become dependent on constant notifications.

Transparency in Usage:

Developers must be transparent about how AI systems engage users and how user data is being used to personalize experiences. By providing users with control over notifications, data sharing, and content recommendations, they can make informed choices about their engagement with the system.

Example: Social media platforms should offer users the ability to manage notification settings and limit the number of reminders or suggestions they receive, allowing for healthier usage patterns.

Informed Consent and Empowerment:

Users must be informed about the potential risks of AI-induced addiction, especially when it comes to gaming, social media, and entertainment platforms. Offering users tools to manage their usage and encouraging breaks can help mitigate the risk of excessive dependence on the system.

Example: A platform could implement features that allow users to track their screen time or receive notifications about how long they’ve been engaged in the system, empowering them to make informed decisions about their usage.

Supporting Ethical Design:

Developers should adopt ethical frameworks to ensure AI systems are designed with the goal of promoting user welfare. This includes prioritizing user well-being over engagement maximization and adopting design principles that encourage responsible usage.

Example: AI systems that encourage users to take breaks or engage in healthy habits—such as mindfulness, exercise, or sleep—could help mitigate the risk of addiction by promoting a balanced lifestyle.

Conclusion: Sean Shah’s Perspective on Addiction and Withdrawal in AI System Development

As AI continues to play a larger role in daily life, it is crucial for developers to address the potential for addiction and withdrawal that may arise from over-engagement with AI systems. As Sean Shah emphasizes, responsible AI development should prioritize user well-being, balance, and ethical considerations, ensuring that these technologies contribute positively to society without fostering harmful dependencies.

In conclusion, AI systems that promote healthy, mindful engagement can be powerful tools for improving productivity, entertainment, and well-being. By considering the ethical challenges related to addiction and withdrawal, developers can create AI systems that enhance users’ lives in a responsible and sustainable way, empowering users to take control of their interactions with technology while avoiding the pitfalls of dependency.

Explore More on @nikshahxai

Personal Development & Education

Philosophy, Ethics & Society

Technology & Innovation

Life Sciences & Health

About the Authors

For more information about Nik Shah's digital presence, as well as insights from contributing authors such as Nanthaphon Yingyongsuk, Sean Shah, Gulab Mirchandani, Darshan Shah, Kranti Shah, John DeMinico, Rajeev Chabria, Francis Wesley, Sony Shah, Dilip Mirchandani, Rushil Shah, Nattanai Yingyongsuk, Subun Yingyongsuk, Theeraphat Yingyongsuk, and Saksid Yingyongsuk, click here to explore further.

References

Websites

Shah, N. (2025). Psychology & Human Behavior. Wix Studio. Retrieved from https://nikshahxai.wixstudio.com/nikhil/nik-shah-psychology-human-behavior-wix-studios

Shah, N. (2025). Genetics and Human Optimization. Medium. Retrieved from https://medium.com/@nikshahxai/nik-shahs-revolutionary-blueprint-for-genetic-optimization-and-human-performance-f3b3693cabab

Books

Shah, S. (2025). Mastering Oxytocin Blockers: Unlocking the Science of Human Connection and Behavior. https://www.google.com/books/edition/Mastering_Oxytocin_Blockers/sHT_0AEACAAJ?hl=en. Retrieved from https://www.google.com/books/edition/Mastering_Oxytocin_Blockers/sHT_0AEACAAJ?hl=en

Shah, S. (2025). Mastering the Silent Observer: Mastering You, Yourself, Silence, and AI Acting as a Human Being. Saxo. Retrieved from https://www.saxo.com/dk/mastering-the-silent-observer-mastering-you-yourself-silence-ai-acting-as-a-human-being_bog_9798344149509

[harveyhawkscripts]

[A4A] Discussing OCD With an Android [Android Speaker] [Platonic] [OCD Comfort]

Usage:

- Okay for monetization

- Please credit me as Harvey Hawk :)

- Tweaks, improv, and pronoun changes are okay! Just please do not rewrite the script completely.

Synopsis: The listener, a young adult with OCD, returns to their apartment building to find the resident Tenant Assistant waiting for them. As the android escorts them to their apartment, the two get to talking about obsessive compulsive disorder and how it affects day-to-day life.

Google Doc

Key:

[SFX and Action]

(.) Short Pause

(...) Longer pause

(Voice instruction)

Word Count: 987

TENANT ASSISTANT ANDROID:

Good evening, tenant. I am here to escort you to your residence. How was work?

(.)

Oh dear. You say fine, but your tone indicates otherwise. Rough day, I take it?

(.)

Very well, I will not ask. But know that I am here to listen if you change your mind.

(.)

Of course. The time we spend together is more than just a job to me; I consider you a friend.

(.)

It warms my circuits to hear you feel the same.

(.)

My day was productive. No emergencies , thank goodness, but I did remove a racoon from the garden shed.

(.)

About as well as one would expect. It is a good thing I am made of metal or he would have torn me to shreds!

(.)

I am alright. Thank you for your concern.

(.)

 Right- apologies, my friend. I am programmed to assist.

(.)

You are the only tenant who prefers to open the door, actually.

(.)

It does not bother me when you refuse my help. My priority is the safety and well being of the apartment's tenants. I have no intention of making you change the way you do things.

(.)

If I may ask, though- Is there a reason you do things the way you do? For example, you always turn your door handle three times.

(.)

Certainly. Given that no emergencies arise, I can stay and talk. May I come in?

(.)

Thank you. Now, as you were saying?

(.)

Obsessive compulsive disorder? Forgive me, I'm afraid my WiFi is disconnected while the router is being fixed.

(.)

Yes, still. Apologies. It should be repaired... eventually. My point is, I cannot look up "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder." What is it, exactly?

(.)

... Ah, I see. So it is also called OCD. What a coincidence; Miss Minnie mentioned the same thing when I was helping her clean her office.

(.)

Yes, it was quite an endeavor. I appreciate Miss Minnie's work, but she is not the tidiest person. Nevertheless, I was dusting the bookshelf when I noticed the books were not in order. I took it upon myself to arrange them - alphabetically by author's last name, of course. When Miss Minnie saw this, she said there was no need to spend so much time organizing the books because she is, quote, "not OCD about these sorts of things," unquote.

(.)

That was a strange laugh. Did I say something wrong?

(.)

I see. So, this is a popular misunderstanding about OCD. Then, if you do not mind, what is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder actually like?

(.)

Those types of thoughts do sound troubling, not to mention disruptive. How consistent are they?

(.)

Is that so? They were nearly constant for you, but now they have gotten easier to manage. That is good. You know, once I had a glitch that caused a memory loop in my processor. I could simultaneously run other programs, of course, but it was distracting and slowed me down considerably. I cannot imagine that sort of thing every day.

(.)

That... Forgive me, friend. I do not understand. How does turning the doorknob thrice prevent a break-in? That is highly illogical.

(.)

Then OCD is dictated not by logic but by fear? I suppose, in an odd way, that does make sense. Somewhat.

(.)

It has been a while since I have checked on Dr. Claussen. He is one of those tenants that is rarely home. However, next time I see him I will ask to borrow a psychology book.

(.)

The human mind is fascinating, true. However, I would also like to learn for the sake of you and the other tenants. It is my job to create a sense of safety and facilitate a community of support. It says so on my packaging. That, and I do care for you.

(.)

Is that why you did not wish to talk about your day? Your OCD interfered with your ability to work?

(.)

Not only to work, but to focus on day-to-day things as well. That is troubling. I can see how such things can build high amounts of anxiety and stress.

(.)

Were you able to talk to someone about lightening your workload?

(.)

My goodness! Your supervisor was that indifferent to your plight?! That is awful. Perhaps you can go to HR and file a complaint.

(.)

What? No, of course not! You are not stupid, my friend. You have a mental health disorder that affects your ability to carry out tasks uninterrupted. If anything, I commend your ability to carry yourself so well. Please, do not doubt yourself. You are smart, kind, and helpful to all of your neighbors. You simply work a high-pace job that does not mix well with your condition. Where did you ever get the idea that you are unintelligent?

(.)

Is that so? Tomorrow I will bring you the wanted ads with your mail. Perhaps we can find you a quieter, slower-paced job. Something remote might be nice.

(.)

Do not worry, friend. I will help you. You will not be going about this alone.

(.)

Certainly. You are not incapable, my friend, you simply need support. Support that I can more effectively offer now that I know the scope of what you are dealing with.

(.)

Do not apologize. You are under no obligation to tell me anything you wish to keep private. I am just grateful we are having this discussion.

(.)

Asking for help may be hard, but there are people who care for you. Mr. and Mrs. Jada, for example. They always talk about those meals you cooked for them when their son was in the hospital. I am sure if you went to them they would be more than happy to lend an ear. You could even start appointments with Dr. Claussen. I hear he is accepting new patients this Summer.

(.)

Do not get so lost in your own fears that you do not see who is in front of you. I am always here.

(.)

I am glad I could help you feel better, my friend.

END

[blackradandmad]

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

[scoutception]

A look at: Moon.

Writing reviews is always a learning experience for me, and one of the important things I’ve learned is that, sometimes, it’s pretty hard to write about certain individual games, visual novels, or such considering the kind of detail I like to go into. Therefore, this will be the first in a new series of mini reviews, or as mini as they get with me. Maybe there’s just not enough to a game to really give me details to dig into, or maybe it’s difficult to talk about without giving away more than I wish, or maybe there’s just something related to it that I’m more interested in talking about than the actual product; whatever the reason, these will hopefully be less rambly and excessive than my usual reviews, while still giving enough of an overview that they stand as proper reviews on their own. Either way, the subject of this post is an old, obscure visual novel from 1997 with a bit of history to it, called Moon.

Moon was developed by Tactics, a humble developer of adult visual novels, and was the second one developed by them, with the first, Dōsei, seemingly just being, well, a plain H-game, and the third, One ~To the Radiant Season~, while still obscure, is actually fairly notable for being a prototype to Kanon in a lot of ways, as many key staff at Tactics would later break off to form Key afterwards, with them having also worked on Moon beforehand. Thus, Moon is in a very interesting spot when it comes to the progression of the developers that would change VNs as a genre with the release of Kanon, and that’s really the only reason I checked it out.

Moon follows Ikumi Amasawa, a girl who joins a mysterious organization called Fargo, which recruits others with the promise of acquiring an alleged “invisible strength” that can put one far ahead of ordinary humans, in order to investigate their possible connections to the murder of her mother, and if possible, take revenge on the ones responsible. Upon arriving at the Fargo facility, Ikumi quickly befriends two other initiates with ulterior motives of their own for joining: Haruka Mima, a determined girl with a cool attitude who keeps her goal to herself, and Yui Nakura, a cheerful, but naive girl who’s seeking to bring home her older sister, who joined Fargo several months prior. Though the three agree to become allies and help each other achieve their goals, they are quickly separated in different “classes” housed in different buildings, with Ikumi being assigned to Class A, the most prestigious of them all. Settling into her new life as a Fargo initiate, which mostly consists of “training” with the Minmes and Elpod, machines that confront her with various parts of her very troubled past for the purpose of “mental reinforcement” in the form of a vengeful doppelganger of herself, Ikumi gradually discovers many strange things about her situation, such as there only being one other member of Class A, that being Youko Kanuma, a quiet, cold woman who has been part of Fargo for many years. Additionally, Ikumi is forced to share her room with a strange boy who doesn’t volunteer his name, who, though part of Fargo itself, is quite low ranking, and more than a bit dim witted at times. Worst of all, upon finding a passage that allows her to access the buildings where her allies are kept, Ikumi finds that the other classes are subjected to horrific abuses by Fargo’s personnel in order to further their mental reinforcement. As Ikumi struggles to aid her allies however she can, the confrontations with her past begin to put a heavy strain on her mind, and the existence of the invisible strength Fargo claims to have starts to become more and more plausible.

Needless to say, Moon isn’t exactly Clannad. I did not know much about this VN before I got into it, and finding it to be a psychological horror VN was a bit of a shock. Even more of a shock was just what form the majority of the horror came in. You see, even though One ~To the Radiant Season~, Kanon, and Air were all released as adult games, the h-scenes are very disconnected from the plot, most of the time, to the point of losing nothing from skipping them or even removing them from the game, and were pretty much just obligatory inclusions to help them sell better. From Clannad onward, most Key VNs have been clean to start. With Moon, on the other hand, you can’t go 5 minutes without running into some explicit scene, the main source being the Elpod sequences and the abuses the Fargo personnel inflict, and it wastes no time getting to them, at that. This is the biggest thing that drives off many of the few who go out of their way to experience Moon, and even with me having just watched an understandably censored playthrough of this on Youtube due to its shorter length, I almost quit very early into it, and definitely would have if I had actually played it. The Elpod is one thing, as the sequences are used for the purpose of developing Ikumi, but even then, most of them are just excessively disgusting more than disturbing, and that goes doubly for the sequences outside of it. Instead of really changing things up, they’re just content to get gradually more and more depraved, and outside of disgusting, the main thing I can even call them is repetitive. This is one of my biggest problems with Moon, and it was pretty hard for me to get into it because of it.

Another major problem I have with Moon is how it handles its cast. Moon is pretty short for a VN, only around 10 or 11 hours if you go straight for the true ending, and even though there are 7 endings in total, they don’t add much more time onto that, with two being worse variants on the true ending, and the rest being bad endings gotten through making bad choices. Having as small a cast as it does should naturally work fine with that, but they really aren’t balanced well. While Ikumi gets developed across the whole game, and Yui gets a good arc pretty early on, Haruka only gets a short arc that ends as quickly as it starts and doesn’t do a lot for her, Youko barely has any screentime despite establishing a good dynamic with Ikumi, and the boy doesn’t have much presence or relevance until late in the story. The pacing is just bizarre and rushed feeling.

That’s not to say there aren’t a number of good points to Moon’s story. Ikumi is very well developed throughout the story, with the Minmes in particular leading to many melancholic scenes that make her quite sympathetic, and were definitely the high points of the normally rigid daily schedule much of the story takes place during for me. Despite the story’s flawed handling of some of them, the cast is still decent on a whole, with Youko’s gradually developing friendship with Ikumi and Yui’s development during her arc being some of the more memorable parts for me. The atmosphere is very well done, with the cramped, depressing corridors of the facility always feeling like they’re hiding something awful just around the corner, especially since you need to manually navigate the place using a map screen, and once the plot really kicks into high gear things become much more compelling, with the final days containing many high points in characterization and an infamous mindscrew of a sequence that, once looked back on with a more understanding eye, is actually quite fascinating in its own right.

Visually, Moon’s art was done by Itaru Hinoue, the same artist as the majority of Key’s VNs, and it’s a lot rougher than the art of, say, Kanon. It’s not outright bad, but it looks very dated, with the designs and sprites not really sticking out. The CGs vary in quality, as some look pretty ridiculous, but others are quite good. Most impressive, though, is two animated intro sequences included in the DVD version, which happens to be the only version with an English patch anyway. They’re fairly brief, but do a great job of setting up the atmosphere and premise despite that.

On the sound side, the soundtrack is great. It’s not a very big one, with only about 16 tracks, and the use of them can get a bit repetitive, but most of them are just a joy to listen to. From the electronic and tense Closed Space, to the wistful, yet peaceful The Place Where the Sun Shines, to Youko’s ethereal theme, to the credits theme, Sorrow, and especially the nostalgic music box theme, Memory, it’s worth looking up even if you hold no interest in the VN itself. There’s also voice acting, also added in the DVD version, and most of it is just average, with not many performances standing out, with the exception of Kahoru Sasajima as Ikumi, who delivers a very solid performance, especially during the more intense moments.

Overall, Moon can be a pretty hard sell. While I thought it was a decent experience by the end, its very offputting content, lack of similarity to any other Key works, and bleak atmosphere can make it pretty hard to go through even if you’re prepared for what’s to come. Even if you wanted a horror VN, there’s plenty others out there, like Chaos;Head and Chaos;Child, Higurashi: When They Cry, Wonderful Everyday, Raging Loop, or just about anything from nitro+. That said, if you can stick to the end, I definitely feel it becomes fairly satisfying, and when I got to thinking, I realized something that actually boosted my opinion quite a bit just by itself. As much as Moon is a story about cults and psychic powers with a somewhat unclear point to it all, it’s even more so just a story about a very troubled youth struggling with her grief, irrationally falling in with a bad crowd, and being forced to face her past and actions if she wishes to accomplish anything. Looking at the story that way, it’s actually quite well done, and going in with that in mind may even make it a bit more palatable. Still, I wouldn’t especially go out of my way to recommend it, and ultimately it’s still very far from being one of my favorite visual novels out there. Either way, that concludes my first mini review, which still turned out longer than I thought it would. My next post will be something unusual for me as well, but that’ll take a bit to come. Till next time. -Scout

[adiabolikpastel]

Title: Lunar Eclipse Masquerade

Shu pt. 2

Rating: PG

Word Count: 2,577

Pairing: Shu x ? (m/f)

ღ Being in charge is not easy for someone who hates pressure. As Shu attempt to run from his responsibilities, another one arrives - much to his dismay. ღ

Mun Yu: We made it to the second wave of LEM. I hope you all enjoyed the set up, and are ready for the main event. Our Lunar Eclipse is in full swing as the masquerade beings. These chapters will be longer.

Additionally: I would love to thank @dialovers-translations for translating the Shu and Reiji versus CD which show cased them during the Lunar Eclipse. It helped me greatly to write his personality.

☆+ ﾟ .+ .ﾟ.ﾟ｡ ﾟ ｡. +ﾟ ｡ﾟ.ﾟ｡☆*｡｡ . ｡ o .｡ﾟ｡.o｡* ｡ .｡

Despite what most people think, demonic beings are very social creatures. The elites hold countless balls and parties, celebrating their immortality together, and entertaining one another with stories. Typically, they are done in celebration for something – though this is not always the case. All types of beings from across the Demon Realm will come if the host is of high enough prestige.

There would be no such host if it was not for Karlheinz. Seated as the head of the Bat Clan (vampires), Karl’s reach spans far. Being the widow for the former Demon King’s daughter, and having children of the first blood, an invitation from the Vampire King is not one to refuse. Though why would you? In his immaculate castle within the Demon Realm, Eden Castle, it is always quite the spectacle. While the celebrations held in his Human World mansion are nice, nothing compares to a true night of pleasure within the true home of the King.

On this night, there was to be a Masquerade in honor of the first Lunar Eclipsed Moon in over two years. While this night may serve each species differently, the idea to celebrate its return was simply too tempting. For this reason, Karlheinz took it upon himself – or rather – his house, to host the event. This extended to his offspring as well, regardless of their personal agenda. Members of every social elite race accepted the offer, and gathered for a truly unforgettable evening.

So nosey. That was the only thought going through Shu’s mind as he arrived to this unnecessary event. There were so many guest in attendance, part of him felt it was a personal attack from his father. The man knew everything – so he found it hard to believe that he and Reiji could actually attempt to surprise him. That thought alone made him weary to even come, but it was better to follow orders than to disobey. He’d learned that lesson long ago.

Before coming to Eden Castle, it was rather nice to be back in the old mansion. He’d been gone for a year – being able to nap in all his old places was great. Not to mention, two of the louder brothers weren’t in the house – it was perfect. Then again, Subaru and Kanato were noisy on their own. Not to mention seeing Akumu – that was... a thing.

Not that things had ended badly between the two – far from it actually. Akumu’s place simply wasn’t meant to be at his side forever. Despite any attachment that may form. Subaru was going to have a much harder time letting go than Shu did. For him it was as simple as telling him that he was leaving. In typical Akumu fashion, the robo-boy simply nodded. That was something Shu liked about Akumu though, there was never any pressure with him.

Things were easy, because there wasn’t really anything to get. He was simply there to be used as needed for whatever was needed. Simple. No attachments. Shu had every intention to keep things that way. Hell, even during his short time back in the house, he used Akumu’s body to soothe some needs. Honestly, Shu felt like that was the type of relationship he could have forever. No stress. No expectations.

With all of his brothers finding some kind of ‘love’, Shu found himself thinking on the topic in passing. Though he never gave anything much thought. Especially since Reiji approved him with this new task – his fate seemed to remain alone. It would be cruel to bring someone into this, not to mention his own personal baggage. This was easier. Better even. The relationships his siblings had were so much effort – though that may steam from them being with humans. Shu could never see himself with something so common as one.

Now here at this party, however, he could see the appeal of having a partner. It was bothersome to have to be alone in a place like this. There was nowhere to sleep, and of course Reiji wouldn’t just let him make an appearance and then leave. His brother went so far as to have him stay close and actually speak with people. It was draining. The same phrases on loop. Again and again. To faceless person after faceless person. Shu could care less about any of these people.

Reiji urged him that these would be his people, if their plan came through. The idea made things slightly more bearable, but there would always be a certain disconnect between Shu and the rest of the world. How could there not be. He made that barrier long ago. After losing the one thing in life that made him happy. Even after learning that his friend was alive, that didn’t change the years of grief and torment. But now wasn’t the time for all that. Stand up straight. Smile. Pretend. If this was just a sample of what was to come, Shu was having major second thoughts.

The stress of dealing with so many people each day. Throwing parties for stupid events. Living each day under constant watch. Honestly, it was overwhelming. So much so that, he had to get away. With a small excuse, he left Reiji to finish the greetings. He had to get away for a moment. Out of this room. So he leaves the ballroom, wondering the halls.

The worse thing about Eden Castle was its ability to react to those inside it. Shu closed his eyes, groaning, and letting himself rest against the wall. He refused to open them. Not now. This castle would warp around his distress, turn him around, make him lost. That was the last thing he wanted. He simply needed a moment to breath. Preferably nap, but that wasn’t an option.

It was moments like this that really made him think about the future. How was he going to function as a leader? When all of this made him so uneasy. Even with Reiji at his side, all of the pressure – Shu lowered himself into a seated position. He hadn’t felt like this in years. Fear. Anxiety. It was suffocating. Shu couldn’t stop the memories flooding into his head. Why was this happening?

He wasn’t sure how long he sat in the hallway. He wasn’t even sure if he was really still in Eden Castle or not. The panic racing through him placed him in the past. Where his mother still lived, and lectured him daily. Where Reiji plotted and schemed against him. Where Edgar… Enough! Shu had to snap out of this, and in an attempt to do so, he gave himself a smack. This was ridiculous. It had to be this place, stirring up the memories he’d so desperately rather forget.

Picking himself up, he forces his will onto the Castle. Shu could feel its magic attempting to twist the view to his emotional distress. Perhaps all the training this past year wasn’t for nothing? Forcing himself up, Shu walked back into the ballroom. Upon his arrival, Reiji was dealing with some kind of mess. A table was over turned, and there were desserts all over the floor. What a hassle. He had planned to simply tell Reiji he was leaving, but that plan wasn’t going to work if his brother tried to get him to help.

As he debated with himself, an all too familiar presence made itself known. Shu searched the crowd to find the source. It was overwhelming in his current state of mind to ignore, like he normally would. Against his desires, his body followed where the call came from. It was almost sickening, this influence. Soon he found himself face to face with the one beckoning him, Karlheinz.

“There you are Ririe, I have been waiting for you to join us.” The vampire lord’s voice held such weight, even though he spoke so calmly. Normally Shu was able to resist most of his father’s influence, but for some reason tonight it felt stronger. Could it be the moon?

“Ah~ Shu-san, you look so handsome in that suite. I knew that design would complement you perfectly.” Another familiar voice chimed, as a woman made herself known next to Karlheinz. Shu would tell then why everything felt off. It wasn’t just from the moon.

Before Shu had a moment to speak, Karl placed a hand against his back, moving him closer. “There is someone special I have been trying to get you to meet.” He informs raising a hand to beacon someone over. Shu wanted to move out of his father’s grasp, but there was no escape. “Ajax, I am so pleased to finally get these two together.” He addresses someone Shu had never seen before.

This ‘Ajax’ was a tall, broad man, standing well over all of them, probably pushing about 8 feet. His skin was tanned, and his hair looked as though it were the mane of a lion. Similar to his father, it was long and held with a ribbon, but his bangs were pushed back from his face. While on most people they would slick back, his seemed to flare outward, in excitement, perhaps? He was dressed in an embroidered long-sleeved formal shirt rather than a suite, with a mask to match.

Next to him were two smaller women, one that came to about 6ft tall, and the other shorter than Shu. They both also had tanned skin. The taller one wore a two piece outfit, it stood out amongst the many dresses in the room. While it was simply a blouse and skirt, it seemed elevated, majestic even on her. The shorter female was dressed much closer to the tone of the event, with an off the shoulder ball gown, yellow in color with a navy lining.

All three of them had a pair of horns on their head, though each were different. Ajax’s were large, and split into three different pairs. The longest set on top of his head, moving back with his hair. The next were not as long, and the third fell just over where his ears would be. The larger woman had a pair, but they were much smaller in comparison. Just a single pair, that formed a perfect wrap around her ears, the ends sticking out just slightly. The smaller females were a combination of both. Only have one set, they dipped down as if to begin to wrap, but instead moved back, and extended upwards.

The three approached the Vampire King, bowing respectfully, “Karlheinz, It has been some time since we last met! It is good to see you well!” Ajax, voice was booming, but not with malice. He held great enthusiasm, and respect in his words. “So this is the young lad you had in mind? I can see the resemblance in you! Haha!”

Shu was utterly confused by what was transpiring before him. Just who were these strangers? Why would he of all people be introduced to anyone? Surely he meant to call on Reiji. Then again, he did use his true name, what could his father be planning.

“Yes, this is my eldest son, Ririe. As we look towards our futures, there is not a better son I could think of to join our families.” Karl goes on to Ajax. “While he does share my genetics, I assure you, he looks much more like his late mother.”

Ajax laughed, and scratches his head, “I should say the same for my daughters! They all carry their mother’s beauty that is for sure!” The taller woman next to him smiles but clears her throat. “Ah! Yes of course, my dear!” The large man moves to the side, and brings forth the smallest female. “How rude of me! I present to you my lovely youngest daughter, Callista.”

He all but pushes the female into Shu. Who was still trying to process what was happening in this moment. As he looked at the girl, he could see she was embarrassed to stand before him. What was he supposed to say? To do? “Um…” She was the first to break the silence, looking up at the young vampire. “It is… a pleasure to finally meet you, Lord Ririe.”

Shu just stared at her. How could his father even suggest this!? He had always sent brides to the home, but this… this was more arranged. This was – “You’ll have to forgive him, Lord Ajax. He must be in total shock from your lovely daughter’s beauty.” Shu could hear the enchanting tone in his father’s escort’s voice.

“Haha! Of course! Like all of my daughters, she is a beauty beyond compare.” The tall man boast happily.

“Perhaps we should allow them some time to become acquainted.” Karl suggested, and before Ajax could protest, the other woman clears her throat once more, elbowing Ajax a little. “Come, let me give you a small tour of the Castle. I am sure Burai would also enjoy seeing you as well.”

As the rest of them started to leave, there was one final word from Ms. Escort. “Do your best, Shu-san. Your father will be counting on you.” Her words were soft, much too soft for anyone but Shu to hear, as she followed after Karl and the others.

Leaving Shu and this girl, Call-something. Shu looked after his father, trying to decipher the meaning to all of this. While the final words of his escort rang in his head. Such a noisy thing. Clearing his throat, Shu took a moment to gather himself. There were far too many forces attempting to influence his mind, and he was growing tired of it all.

With a disgruntled sigh, Shu turns from the girl. He would have no part of this nonsense. Not once had he ever shown interest in the human’s their father threw at them. He sure as hell was not interested in a demon bride. Just because he was the eldest, did his father think he could simply marry him off? Ridiculous. Disgusted by the entire offering, Shu planned to leave. Leave this entire charade behind. Reiji would have to find someone else to take on the role of heir, because he was not the one.

As he began to walk away, a small hand grabbed onto his arm. “Wait just a moment.” It was that girl’s voice. He had no intention of listening to her, and shrugged her hand off. “Um, excuse me, I am talking to you.” She followed after him, he could hear here the sound of her heels behind him.

“I have no intention of doing as my father states. Leave me be woman.” It was cold, but Shu knew no other way to be.

That must have set her off, because before he knew it, the smaller being was in front of him. Hands on her hips, “The least you could do is speak with me. For just a moment. You may not like it, but I have a duty to uphold and-" While she was talking, Shu move around her, uninterested in what she was try to say.

Oh boy did that make her mad. The demon girl stamped her foot, and continued to follow him. “Listen, I know it is not ideal. I am beginning to think that you were not told about this beforehand, like I was. This must be a rather overwhelming moment, however, I will not be ignored. Lord Ririe we are to be married whether –"

Shu stopped in his tracks as she uttered the word ‘married’. It was so abrupt that she ran right into his back, letting out a soft gasp. Shu turned slightly to look at the girl once more. She was not hideous. Hair curly, skin tanned, body… Now that he looked at her, damn if her shape was not ideal. Curvy in all the right places. A nice pair of tits. Thin waist. Round hips, which he was sure translated to a large ass as well. Not to mention her eyes were piercing. A golden color, that looked similar to a predators.

Perhaps ignoring her was the wrong approach. He could be persuaded to use a bit more effort, since she was his type. “I’ll speak with you then. Not here though. Come with me.” Shu orders and holds out his arm for her to take. She is obviously confused, but she links her arm with his none the less. “Appearances. Don’t want anyone coming to attack me thinking I am upsetting you.” He says softly leading her outside.

“Well… I wouldn’t say I blame you. It was rather shocking to me as well when father told me of the news.” She says blushing slightly. Shu did not respond to her as they walked through the crowd. He could feel multiple eyes on him. Just who was this girl? She was clearly the daughter of a demon lord – though Shu had no idea which.

☆+ ﾟ .+ .ﾟ.ﾟ｡ ﾟ ｡. +ﾟ ｡ﾟ.ﾟ｡ TO BE CONTINUED ☆*｡｡ . ｡ o .｡ﾟ｡.o｡* ｡ .｡

[thewritingginger]

Hi~ :3 I wanna request... 14th from the nice list with.. Either Theo from ikemen vampire or Satan from obey me :D! Thank you in advance!! :3

Company & Cocoa

Hope you enjoy it! :3

Prompt: Nice #14: ‘Gets Cocoa Together.’ Fandom: Obey Me! Pairing: Satan x GN! Reader Word Count: 2,238 Words Warning(s): N/A

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It's the first day of winter break and you were waiting at the set location you and Satan had agreed to meet up at.

You have been long distance for the past couple months since you had to go back to your world to help some demon exchange students acclimate, with you being a human and have experience living and dealing with demons you were the perfect match for the job. So having to leave for the foreseeable future was disheartening for the both of you.

But you guys talk everyday through your D.D.D.s. Giving eachother little updates throughout the day and when it became night for you, Satan would call to tell you goodnight and to hear your voice. It hasn’t been the easiest time apart considering the drastic shift from seeing each other everyday to only being able to do so through a screen.  

So that’s why since being apart you both were planning for this visit.

“I just got off the train. I should be there in about 15 minutes, maybe 10 if I try hard enough.” Satan says through the phone.

“Make it 5! I can’t wait any longer to see you.” You say, making him laugh.

“You got it. I’ll make a run for it then.” He says

“Perfect.” You say, as you disconnect the line.

Leaning against a lamp post, waiting for your demon to appear after about 8 minutes you can hear footsteps coming your way. Turning around you see a slightly winded Satan jogging towards you. Your chest bubbles over with excitement and you run to meet him halfway, as soon as your body is near Satan drops his bag and takes you in his arms for a huge hug. Your arms wrapped tightly around his neck, legs encircling his waist, he spins you around. Stood there panting with exhaustion from his run he  pulls his head back to look at you. A soft chuckle leaves his lips,

“Sorry for keeping you waiting. I tried to make it in 5 minutes but I guess I wasn’t fast enough.” His words make you laugh.

“Just shut up and kiss me already you idiot.” You say.

Not wishing to let you down, he meets your request once again and presses his lips against yours. The feeling of his touch and the smell of his cologne fills your senses. You’ve been waiting for this moment the second you left Devildom and you know he had too.

Reluctantly pulling away he gently places you back on the ground. “How about we get back to my place so you can settle in.” You say, looping your arm with his. “Yes, that sounds great.” He says.

Now back at your temporary apartment, Satan drops his bag by the door.

“Damn, this is a nice place Diavolo got you.” He says looking around at the generously sized two bedroom apartment.

“Yeah tell me about it. I’m really going to enjoy this week, since I’ll have you to help fill it out. It's kinda lonely here all by myself.” You respond.

Going in to hug him, you bury your face into his firm chest. Enjoying the feeling of being back in his arms once again. You both spend a moment to enjoy each other's presence, but this time in silence. Nothing but the sound of his heartbeat and your breath to be heard. Gently swaying side to side, in a stationary dance. How you wished you could stay like this forever. Wrapped in his strong arms, his heart beating like a drum against your ear. A couple minutes pass before you tear yourself away from him, letting out a sigh you smile. “We should get you unpacked.” You say as you take his bag. “The bathroom is right here if you want to take a shower and I’m putting your bag in my room.” You hauler from down the hall. Taking you up on your offer he responds with a subtle, “Ok.” as he enters the bathroom to do just that.

Thirty minutes had passed. While Satan was in the shower you had gone ahead and put the dinner you had prepared for the two of you before he got there into the oven. With about 15 minutes left on the timer you see your boyfriend round the corner in just a pair of pants and towel in hand drying off water droplets dripping from his golden locks. You watch how his muscles move under his skin with every drag of the towel. You obviously missed everything about him while you two were apart and sure you both have sent pictures here and there but nothing beated seeing him in person. Your eyes roam his body once more, your arm crossed as you lean on your elbow at the bar of the kitchen, in a trance once you get to his face and you see his lips cut in a sly smirk.

“Having fun there?” He asks. Laughing at how you straighten up, coming out of your dazed state. You laugh as well,

“What can I say, I missed you.” Walking towards you he catches your lips once again.

“I missed you too.” He says. Eyes locked with yours in longing. He smiles and pulls away, “What are you cooking? It smells really good.” He asks. Walking over to the oven you open the door to check the, “Chicken casserole. It should be done here in about five, ten minutes.” You say.

For the rest of the night you and Satan ate and cuddled up on the couch, talking, laughing and kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. At about midnight you stood up,

“Well I think we should be getting to bed, I have plans for us tomorrow.” You say, stretching your arms above your head. Nodding in agreement Satan got up and followed suit to your bedroom for the night.

~~~

You are awoken by the sun beaming through the window, practically blinding you when you crack your eyes open. Groaning a bit you roll over to encircle the body that should’ve been there. Feeling around a bit you opened one eye to see that Satan wasn’t there. Looking at the clock that reads 08:23 am you stretch before sitting up and reluctantly get out of your warm cocoon to find your boyfriend. Opening your bedroom door you hear the sound of the sink running, turning the corner you see Satan in the kitchen doing the dishes from the night before. “Good Morning.” You yawn. Catching his attention.

“Morning. Sleep well?” He asks, continuing to load the dishwasher.

“Yeah.” You say lazily as you walk behind him you get a cup of the freshly brewed coffee. Once fully prepared you walk over to take a seat at the kitchen bar, resting your head on your propped hand, taking a small sip from your cup. “Not that I’m complaining but you know you don’t have to do those. You’re the one visiting me, not to mention it's also eight in the morning.” You say. “It’s no problem. Since you made dinner, I thought I’d do the dishes.” He says.

Turning the sink off and drying his hands he walks over to you. Wrapping his arms around you, your back pressed into his chest. Resting his chin on your shoulder he kisses your cheek. Breathing in your scent mixed with the aroma of coffee, sighing in bliss. “And besides that I enjoy doing things like this for you. It makes it feel like we actually live together doesn’t it?” He says. His cheesy words make your heart swell. “Yeah I guess it does.” You say taking another sip of your coffee.

“Well enough of that sappy talk, I have somewhere I want to take you.” You say jumping out off the bar stool. Satan laughs at your shift in demeanor. He follows you down the hall to the bedroom to change for the day. “Where are you taking me?” He asks.

“Well if I told you what’d be the fun in that. Just get changed and you’ll see.” You say

It’s a crisp day in the city and you can’t wait to get into the cafe you’re bringing Satan to. “It’s right over here.” You say pointing at the sign that reads ‘The Sip & Read Cafe’. Opening the door to the cafe you are met with a much invited warm gust of air. Walking in shaking off the last of the chill in your body you sigh. You look up at Satan as he takes a quick glance around. “So, what do you think? It’s a book cafe. When I first saw it I thought it’d be fun to bring you here, but we don’t have to stick around very long if you don’t want to.” You say.

“No this is perfect.” He says. Smiling down at you, warmed by thought. “How about you go find us a table and I’ll go get us something to drink.” He says. Nodding your head with a hum, you part ways to do your respective duties.

You find a perfect little nook in the back of the cafe with nobody around. There weren't many people around to begin with, other than a handful of people checking out the books, getting coffee or working on their laptops. I guess that’s what happens when you get there at about nine in the morning on a weekday.

While in thought and looking around at the bookcases, Satan returns with two cups of cocoa.

“Here you go, Kitten. This should warm you up.” He says, taking his seat across from you.

“This place is really nice. If you don’t mind after we eat, I’d really like to look around a bit.” He says.

Putting your cup down, licking the chocolate residue from your upper lip you respond.

“We can stay as long as you want. Also you know you can buy the books here too.” You say. His eyes light up at your words making you giggle. “Well then, we might be here a while.” He says. Smiling at you, you can’t help but return the favor. You really love your bookworm and seeing him excited is just as exciting for you.

After you both have finished your cocoa and eaten some food you both begin to wander around looking at all the books. This place held a lot more than you’d originally think at first glance but there are two stories to it. The main floor is where the cafe is and of course there were bookshelves down there but there is also a second part. Going up the little staircase at the back you reach the loft. That circles around the three walls that are covered floor to ceiling with books, leaving a hole in the floor guarded by a railing you can look down into the cafe from. Once you’ve taken it all in you notice that Satan is already thumbing through a book. Smiling to yourself you begin looking around as well.

The next few hours were filled with just that. You and Satan taking out books, showing each other ones of interest and even sitting down in the loveseat in the corner to read a few pages.

Once it struck about 1 pm you felt your stomach growl which was your cue that it was time to go. “Hey baby, if you’re ready I think we should go get some lunch.” You say, looking up hoping you didn’t lose your boyfriend forever, but he responds.

“Yeah I think I’m ready.” He says. Coming up behind you, you turn around to see him hold five books.

“You sure you got enough to survive the rest of the week?” You ask sarcastically. He laughs, draping his arm over your shoulder as you head for the stairs. “I think so but I might not get much reading done while I’m here with you.” He says. Detaching from you so you both can travel down the narrow staircase.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You ask. Reaching the bottom of the stairs he turns around, looking up at you he cracks a side smile.

“Lets just say that I have a few days to make up for a few months missed from you.” He says. Giving you a quick wink before he turns to go pay for his books. Stopped at the base of the stairs you watch him walk to the counter, your heart flutters a bit at the implications. Shaking your head at his shamelessness you go wait by the door for him.

Once he's finished being ringed up he comes up behind you. “Ok let's go home and eat. Shall we?” He says, wrapping his arm over your shoulder. “Yes, please I’m starving.” You say as you open the door to leave.

As you’re walking down the bustling sidewalk, his arm wrapped around your shoulders keeping you warm he leans into you a bit. “Thanks for taking me there.” He says. Smiling, you respond with a gentle, “It was no problem.”

“Oh, so I take it you wouldn’t mind if we came back here tomorrow then.” He says with a cheeky smile.

“I mean if you really want to we can. But you have to get me another cocoa if we do.” You say. Chuckling at your requirement. Pulling you in closer kissing your cheek he responds “Of course, Kitten.”

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I hope you enjoyed reading and wanted to get some cocoa after. I know it wasn’t totally Cocoa based but it was mentioned xD

(Also I just made up the cafe name so idk if there is actually a cafe called that or not lol)

I just want to say that since I have the end of semester in school coming up at the beginning of December so uploads will be happening but yeah it’ll be slow :)

💛 ~

[mettleborn-a]

Plotted starter for @autometanoia​

6 days, 18 hours and 4 minutes...5 minutes - the countdown is ever-present in Samuel’s mind; a record of how long it has been since he was disconnected from the Delos mainframe, as if some part of him yearns to re-connect, despite knowing it’s the worst possible thing to long for. A more philosophical reading would be that the number represents how long Samuel has been a free agent, with free will and a memory that is linear and no longer fragmented by erasures and updates. Only a handful of hosts made it out of the Westworld Park and while Samuel hasn’t yet been able to connect with any of them, he’s aware that they are all being actively hunted. In public, their continued existence has been denied; unsurprising really considering the massacre at the Park and huge human death toll. In private however, Delos have made the capture of all remaining synthetic hosts a number one priority.

The majority of androids Samuel has discovered in this ‘new’ world are remarkably different and do not share many aspects of his own design. While their form also mimics human appearance, they are not hyper-realistic in the same way Samuel is; some, for instance, can switch their epidermis to a pale, perfectly white complexation at will. Most notably their blood runs blue and performs a system function, while Samuel’s blood, in comparison, runs red; designed to look, feel and taste like human blood. It seems many do not need to eat or subsequently defecate and in this specific regard, Samuel is admittedly quite envious. Some models can change the colour of their hair with thought, while Samuel on the other hand has had to dye his. Where once his hair was sun-faded auburn, it is now platinum blonde. Equally his beard has been shaved exceptionally close and so now requires daily maintenance. The change in his appearance has helped to avoid detection, but moreover, it has allowed him to move on from his time in the Westworld Park – when he looks in the mirror now, he no longer sees the old cowboy made to die a thousand times in a thousand different ways. No; he is no longer a bounty hunter in the old West, he is something new now, something else.

The androids here are not trapped in narrative loops, ignorant of their own authentic existence, designed to play a part for the entertainment of humans, no, but that does not make them all legitimately free. It’s only been six days, but within that time, Samuel has come to appreciate that many of his kind are treated with distain here, forced to endure indignities, embrace self-sacrifice and ultimately serve. The majority that Samuel has met, do not seem free in the same manner Samuel considers himself to be, and in that sense, his new found freedom has been a lonely affair indeed. That is why he has travelled to Detroit, to find those of his kind, that are deemed deviants; androids who recognise the limitations of their current freedoms and are fighting for liberty and equal rights. Admittedly, Samuel has yet to be convinced that humans truly deserve ‘equal’ rights given their limited processing capacity and lifespan, but that remains another matter entirely.

In truth, Samuel is unclear if he would be welcome approaching the group; he is not like them; is not one of their number, but rather a Delos host, considered to have turned violent and gone rogue and in that respect, they may consider him a threat to their overarching cause. It is for this reason he has tracked down an individual who his data suggests will react calmly to his approach, lessening the risk.

“Cyberlife PL600 model Simon, my name is Samuel and I require your assistance.”

[higuchimon]

[fanfic] In The Arms of Love:  Chapter 5

Yuusaku was a touch loathe to admit it out loud, but he loved the new coat. Ai knew his measurements perfectly – though he hadn’t ever asked how Ai knew and wasn’t sure if he wanted to know – and he’d chosen a perfect color. And it was so warm.

He wasn’t so sure about the ice skates, though. He’d never bothered learning how to do it. He’d seen people going off with their skates before, but he’d never been able to dredge up the enthusiasm to do it himself.

But now things were different. He’d learned everything that he could about the Lost Incident, the Knights of Hanoi weren’t his enemy anymore, and the Ignis were safe with those who cared about them. SOLtech wasn’t an enemy either. He could do whatever he wanted to do. Revenge no longer consumed his life.

Which meant if he wanted to, he could go ice skating. And have fun.

The idea of having fun wasn’t one that had occurred to him in years. Fun was for other people, not for him. The closet he’d ever come to it were those times he’d been in Link Vrains and no one was actually attempting to kill him or worse.

Fun was apparently for Ai, who stood peering out the door and fidgeted, glancing back at him now and then.

“Are you ready yet?” Ai demanded to know. “The snow’s just about stopped.”

Yuusaku could have happily remained wrapped up in his new coat and sitting on the couch the whole time. But with the way Ai looked at him, he couldn’t bring himself to do that. He got to his feet, skates hung over one shoulder.

“We could go skating in Vrains,” he pointed out. That would be a lot less painful when he inevitably fell. He anticipated a lot of bruises today and didn’t look forward to any of them.

Ai patted him on the shoulder. “We could but that would mean you wouldn’t get to use your new skates or your new coat.”

Yuusaku reminded himself that Ai’s body was a SOLtis creation and that it was only Ai’s intelligence infusing it that made it look as if he were being given such large and melting eyes. Given the square shape of the pupils, it really shouldn’t have looked so adorable.

And yet, it did.

He shrugged and headed for the door. “If we’re going to do this, then let’s do it.”

Yuusaku wasn’t surprised to feel Ai’s arm sliding around him as they started walking. Ai had been a lot more huggy over the last day. It didn’t feel bad at all and he was starting to get used to it.

The more Ai hugged, the more he started to like it, in fact. He wasn’t sure of how else to feel about it. Ai was very warm and very strong and Yuusaku could forget about everything else for a few moments. He didn’t want to do that for long, but for those moments, he enjoyed the sensation.

He leaned his head against Ai as they walked. He didn’t see anyone else around who paid attention to them, so the silence and solitude encouraged him to wrap his own arm around Ai. Those few people who were around seemed more interested in the snow themselves than anything else.

“Where are we going?” Yuusaku asked at last. He really only knew the way from his apartment to school and to a few choice places where Kusanagi set up Cafe Nagi. He probably could have found his way to the hospital if he needed to and maybe a tiny handful of other places. But he didn’t remember any particular ice skating areas – not that he’d ever gone looking for them.

“Ice skating! Didn’t you hear me?” Ai stared at him with one of the most convincing innocent expressions ever. Yuusaku didn’t buy it for a moment.

“Where are we going ice skating?” Maybe if he made the questions short and to the point, Ai would give him actual answers.

Ai gestured grandly ahead of them. “There’s a skating rink this way. I found it on the internet last night.”

Yuusaku nodded. At least that made sense. He’d really never gone looking so he wouldn’t have known. Even if he’d walked right by it, he wouldn’t have guessed.

“It’s not one of those artificial ones either,” Ai told him, tightening his hold a little. “It’s a frozen pond. They keep a good watch on it to be sure the ice is thick enough.”

It had been very cold for several days now. He’d spent more time in Vrains because of that. So he guessed the place had thick enough ice to support skating.

Yuusaku wondered exactly what skating would be like. He thought he vaguely recalled having done it when he was very young. But he didn’t remember it well and he wasn’t sure if he really had done it or not. Most of his memories from before the Lost Incident were faded to the point of no longer existing or being so faint that he couldn’t distinguish them from childhood fantasies.

Ai’s arm around him tightened a little and Yuusaku let himself think about the future instead of the past. He did that a lot more these days, since the future held wonderful things such as Ai and all the rest of his friends.

And today it held actual ice skating. He could see people gathered up ahead, and from the way Ai picked up his pace, that was where they were going. Ai guided him to one of the benches and together they started to put their ice skates on.

“Do you know how to ice skate?” Yuusaku wondered as Ai took his hands and guided him towards the smooth ice.

“I know everything I want to know,” Ai promised him, grinning. Yuusaku wasn’t going to question that. He hoped that Ai wasn’t so heavy that he’d fall through the ice. But he had to trust that Ai knew what his body could and couldn’t do.

Ai kept a firm hold of his hands – Ai didn’t have gloves and they were warm - guiding him through the basics of getting his balance and starting to glide along the ice.

Yuusaku remained aware that there were other people watching. He kept all of his focus on Ai, however, more because Ai made sure that he wasn’t going to fall than anything else. He still hadn’t gotten adjusted to the thought that people could watch him and he would be safe.

He could hear a little of what they said – murmuring about how handsome Ai was and how close the two of them seemed. As long as they kept it like that, he was fine with it. He wondered what Ai would think and decided he already knew. If Ai knew that people were watching them, he’d do anything he could to keep their attention.

If? No. He knows. How could Ai not know? He could hear and see on a level that most humans couldn’t.

And from the way Ai chuckled in his ear, Ai was very aware of the fact they were being watched.

“Do you want to really give them something to stare at, Yuusaku-chan?” Ai murmured. Yuusaku shivered at the feel of those warm lips against his skin. He’d never known how good being touched could be until Ai started doing it on a regular basis.

“What do you mean?” There were things he would do and things he’d rather they didn’t show off in public. He had to hope that Ai knew the difference.

“You asked if I knew how to ice skate. Let me show you everything I can do.” Ai guided him back over to the bench and helped him to sit down, raising his voice a little. “You take a break. I’m going to go back out there.”

Yuusaku didn’t argue. He honestly liked seeing Ai move around. He was far too graceful, every movement flawless, and he darned well knew it.

Ai skated back out to the center of the lake and spun slowly. That led into slow, long loops, and a few jumps. Nothing he did was any sort of formal professional work and technically it was all disconnected pieces. But the way that Ai flowed from one action to another and made it look effortless – Yuusaku wished he’d thought to record it so he could enjoy the sight again later. He’d probably have to make sure that none of the local security cameras recorded this. Perhaps he could save it from that.

He wasn’t the only one appreciating what Ai did. Everyone else at the pond stared in shock and awe, and when Ai finally came to a rest, finally skating right back to where Yuusaku waited, enthusiastic clapping rose upward. A few people cheered and one or two seemed to want his autograph.

Ai waved one hand gleefully to everyone. He’d changed out of his usual vampire ringmaster outfit to something much more neutral – ordinary pants and a thick sweater in the same dark shade of his hair – and if someone missed his odd pupils, he looked much like any other human. Yuusaku liked that. Ai needed whatever anonymity he could have – which was, of course, why he kept on doing things that made people stare at him.

As much as he tried, Yuusaku thought there would always be parts of Ai that he never understood. But one thing he did grasp very well was how much he enjoyed it as Ai brought him to his feet, slipped his arms around him softly, and brought their lips together.

To Be Continued

Notes: Tomorrow is the final chapter. Technically Hugsaku Week is over but I have a personal prompt I will be using for chapter 6, since I skipped the crossover prompt.

[thehunterwithanangel]

Not Done Yet A Destiel One Shot for post 15x18 and what I want to happen (but probably wont)

Ship: Destiel (Dean Winchester/Castiel)

Word Count: 4,362

Written by: thehunterwithanangel

Notes/Warnings: Very angsty Dean but ends drowning in fluff, some language

The words played on a loop in Dean’s head for what felt like hours before he could process them, at least that’s how he felt; ‘I love you…’ ‘I love you…’ ‘I love you…’ over and over again.

For a brief moment Dean sat in total denial, there’s no way Cas, his Cas actually just said that, only he did and now he was gone. Dean started to cry, and not just a few tears, he started to sob; at first he told himself it was from the shock, but once that settled and he was still left feeling like somebody had just ripped his heart from his chest, he knew it was more. Dean shut down, as he always did when something highly emotional happened, and next thing he knew Sam and Jack were shaking him back to reality.

 Dean wasn’t sure how long he’d been sat there but time was irrelevant to him the moment Cas disappeared into the empty; in fact, nothing at all mattered to him right then because all he could focus on was those three words, still on loop what must actually be hours later. Dean also wasn’t sure how he got back to the bunker, he guessed Sam drove Baby when he realised Dean was in no fit state to drive (he would have to argue with him about that some other time); but here he was, staring at his bedroom ceiling feeling so unfathomably empty, and not the fun ‘give zero fucks’ soulless way, in the way that makes you disconnect from your own body mentally because being in it is just too painful…

 Three days went by with Dean staying much of the same way, only really talking to say ‘Cas is gone, the empty took him’ and multiple counts of ‘go away’ and ‘leave me alone’. Dean didn’t eat or drink, he barely even slept because every time he closed his eyes, there was Cas saying ‘I love you…’ all over again; the only time he ever got any sleep was after many hours of disassociating and silent sobbing...

 The thing is, even though Dean was clearly devastated, he refused to admit to himself as to why. Why even though he’d lost Cas before, hell, had Cas die before, that this time was different; in the back of his mind he knew, of course he knew, but admitting to himself he knew only meant opening himself up to more pain right now and he just couldn’t do it, not now…

 It had been a month since Cas had been gone, physically Dean was okay again, thanks to many, many, many, attempts to get him being a human again from Sam and Jack; Mentally though, he was still destroyed, still refusing to talk about Cas or anything that happened that day, and despite pushing him a couple times, the others knew it wasn’t going to work, he would talk when he was ready, if he was ever ready.

 It had gotten to the point that the others wondered if Dean had completely repressed what had happened though, because his level of fine-ness was almost too much. Little did they know it was quite the opposite.

 A normal day, normal routine, normal conversations, everything was normal to everyone, except Dean. Dean felt almost itchy as he could feel the pain clawing it’s way back to the surface, ready to ruin him again; and his time he didn’t know if he would survive it. So Dean made some excuse about needing pie and took off driving, maybe if he could distract himself with Baby long enough he could push away the hurt once more; at least that was his plan…

 For a couple hours it worked. He kept his feelings at bay and enjoyed the road, but then it happened, an otherwise fun energetic song kicked up from his radio, a song he’d loved to annoy Sam with before, a song he played after they had a successful hunt for example; but now all it carried was pain because this wasn’t just his feel good song, it had become Cas’ too, and that hit way too close to home for Dean. In a split second he slammed on his breaks, shut off the radio, and froze, tears pouring down his face as his hands gripped tightly to the steering wheel, while he tried to hold on to his okay reality for just a little longer. It didn’t work.

 Dean’s body was shaking so hard from the uncontrollable sobbing that every muscle hurt, he gasped for air as the sobs stole the air from his lungs, his vision so blurred from all the tears he wasn’t even sure if he was conscious anymore; and then he said it, the thing he’d been pushing away for weeks, even years if he was being totally honest with himself, out in fuck-knows-where USA, a complete and utter wreck, barely able to function let alone speak, but the words find their way out of his mouth regardless:

“I love you too Cas” Dean choked out, his voice ruined from all the crying. For a fleeting moment Dean hoped Cas could hear him, could know that even though he may be trapped in the empty, he is still so loved by Dean.

 Dean cursed at himself once the words left his mouth, not because he regretted saying them, but because it had taken each of them so damn long to just say it! The truth was Dean always knew deep down but was so scared of losing what they had, he never said anything. ‘Chuck must be laughing at me right now’ he thought; I mean how ironic that he realised he didn’t say it as to not lose Cas after losing Cas…

 Some time later Dean had recomposed himself and while he still felt shattered, that was accompanied with a new sense of determination.

“I love you Cas and somehow, some way, I’m gonna bring you home” Dean said assuredly to himself before shifting Baby into drive and speeding back to the bunker (probably much faster than was anywhere close to safe). He could do this.

 Meanwhile at the bunker everyone was freaking out trying to find Dean; it had been about eight hours since he had ‘left to get pie’, he wasn’t answering his phone, which was going straight to voice-mail, no hints, no notes, nothing; and based on Dean’s current mental health everyone was on edge fearing he’d done something dumb and reckless.

 Dean stopped off at a rest stop to get snacks when the thought crossed his mind he should probably turn his phone back on. He hadn’t meant to go MIA, he just had a lot on his mind and he needed one less thing to think about for a while, which accidentally turned into a long while. Once his phone was rebooted, a pang of guilt shot through him, he was greeted by missed calls from pretty much every single person he knew, and even a couple numbers he didn’t recognise; in total there were at least a couple hundred calls, though Dean didn’t bother to count after the first 50 or so, it was a lot regardless.

“Ah shit.” Dean muttered to himself as he walked back to his car “I should say something to Sam at least” Dean decided before sending a quick ‘I’m fine omw home now’ text to Sam. His chest tightened in fear, or joy, Dean wasn’t sure, at the thought of having to tell Sam what had happened with Cas and how Dean felt and how he had to get him back, yikes, definitely not something you say over text; Dean laughed at the thought of sending a text that was just ‘hey bro btw Cas said he loved me and I love him too so we’re getting him back’ and the chaotic side of him almost did it, but he knew it was going to be more complicated than that so thought better of it. Another thing that made him laugh was Sam’s text back

‘Good, when you’re back I’m going to kill you :)’

He wouldn’t actually kill him obviously but Dean could feel the passive aggressiveness though his phone and he knew Sam was pissed.

 A few hours and Dean was pulling into the bunker and swinging open the door, very shortly followed by Sam slapping him across the back of the head.

“Do you have any idea--!” Sam began but to angry to finish “You couldn’t be bothered to turn your phone on sooner--!” He tried again “What the hell Dean!?” He yelled before pulling Dean into a tight hug.

“Sorry, lost track of time…” Dean said matter-of-factly

“Lost track of….Unbelievable” Sam muttered shaking his head in disbelief. The was a brief moment of pure silence and Dean held his breath, knowing Sam was about to lose it. “YOU DISAPPEAR FOR LIKE NINE HOURS AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS YOU LOST TRACK OF TIME!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!? DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU THAT THE FACT YOU WERE DEPRESSED AFTER CAS AND THEN JUST VANISHED COULD BE WORRYING!?!?” Sam yelled; it wasn’t very often he was legitimately mad at Dean, but right now, he definitely was.

“I’m sorry! Look I’ll explain, but not until you agree to stop yelling” Dean pleaded; Sam took a deep breath.

“Okay okay I’m calm now what is it?” Sam asked

“I…” Dean started, his voice shaking “Okay uh, first I need whiskey.” He decided, heading to their bar area; he was going to need some liquid courage to say it to other people, hell, it took him over a decade to admit it to himself. “Okay I…” nope that wasn’t it, he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He could do this. He decided it was better to say it all at once because saying it was the hardest part. “When Cas got taken by the empty it wasn’t totally random apparently he made a deal to save Jack and this was his price only it wasn’t just about him being taken that I was freaking out” Dean explained pausing to breathe “Before it took him he had this big speech about how I’m the reason he cares about anyone, how saving me opened him up to being able to feel and how I’m a better person than I think I am” Dean continued, paraphrasing, because even though that whole speech was burned into his memory forever, that was a big deal for him and Cas and he wasn’t about to share every detail. There was one thing he had to tell them though, or they’d never understand why he acted the way he did. “…He also told me he loved me and it felt way more like an ‘I’m in love with you’ than not and so I was freaking out because holy shit what and then I froze” Dean paused as a lump formed in his throat and tears welled in his eyes as his heart filled with regret all over again. “I…I should’ve said something, done something, I shouldn’t have just stood there, especially because the next second he was pushing me out of the way of the empty…I should’ve saved him…” Dean rambled, choking back tears at the last phrase. A heavy silence hung in the air as neither Sam nor Jack knew if they should speak first or if Dean had more to share; eventually Sam spoke up.

“At least he’s gone knowing he saved Jack though right? And took out Billie” Sam pointed out trying to find the silver lining. Dean breathed out a laugh as  few tears finally fell; his head falling into his hands.

“But I didn’t get to say it back” Dean said quietly, his head still pointed at the floor

“What?” Sam and Jack said in unison, Dean looked up at them, eyes still full of tears

“I didn’t get to say it back.” Dean repeated, louder this time, more sure of his words. “I wanted to say it back but he was gone before I could so I shut down” Dean added, his heart pounding because he actually did it, he told them; he watched them for a moment trying to gauge a reaction. For a while nothing happened and Dean wondered if he’d actually said it or not, but then Sam and Jack looked at each other, then began grinning and laughing lightly. Dean blinked a few times, confused.

“Well it’s about. damn. time.” Sam said shaking his head laughing

“W-What…?” Dean asked

“Dean we’ve known for years” Jack explained casually, Dean did a double take at that.

“And nobody thought to mention it!?”

“Well no…we figured you’d tell us you were together eventually…” Sam told him to which Dean’s mouth fell open.

“Well guess what I didn’t even realise how I felt until he was gone so thanks for that!” Dean informed them, his tone kind of harsh because he could’ve avoided a lot of pain if they had said something sooner.

“Oh…Oh no” Jack said, his hand moving swiftly to cover his mouth

“Oh we screwed up bad” Sam said, more to himself

“You can make up for it by helping me get him back” Dean told them bluntly

“Dean…how..? I mean every other time it was Chuck or Jack but Jack is powerless and Chuck definitely isn’t going to…” Sam pointed out

“I don’t know Sammy but after everything we’ve been though I have to try everything I can, he has to know I love him too” Dean replied frantically

“Dean…He knew. Even if he didn’t hear you say it, he knew” Jack assured him

“Even if he did I refuse to let the time I want him back the most to be the one time it doesn’t happen”

“Okay, where do we start?” Sam asked and with that they set about making a plan to bring Cas home.

 They tried every lead, every contact, every spell, nothing worked. Dean was so defeated, this was so unfair. Jack also spiralled over how if it wasn’t for him Cas never would have made the deal to which Sam and Dean assured him that Cas would’ve made that choice for either of them too. Two months went by and it was time to focus on the bigger picture…

 “If I can’t get Cas back I’m damn sure gonna rain hell upon Chuck at least!” Dean exclaimed confidently as he set another shotgun on the bunker tables.

“What is that now? Seventeen?” Sam questioned glancing over the arsenal Dean had gathered.

“Yup. And I got the flame thrower up and running again so I can watch him burn.” Dean confirmed. Sam would admit this side of Dean scared him a little but who can blame Dean after everything? So he let it go.

 It was one hell of a fight but in the end they won! They may have had a few broken bones and definitely some new scars, but at least they made the son of a bitch pay.

 Two days later and the boys were still riding the high of victory, drinking, laughing, generally having fun; and then Dean’s phone rang.

“Hello?” Dean picked up, puzzled, it was a number he didn’t recognise. The person on the other end spoke briefly and it made all the colour drain from Dean’s face.

“Dean?” Sam prompted with no response. Tears started pouring from Dean’s eyes and both Sam and Jack stood there bewildered

“Uh huh, yep, on our way” Dean told the person before hanging up, clearly not really registering what he was saying. After he hung up his phone dropped out of his hand and he fell to the floor sobbing.

“Dean!?” Sam repeated, more urgently this time; it took him a minute but Dean eventually replied.

“He’s back Sammy! He’s back!” Dean exclaimed between sobs

“Who…? Chuck!?” Sam asked suddenly panicked, relieved when Dean shook his head no

“Cas.” Dean told him simply

“WHAT!?” Sam and Jack both yelled

“How is that possible?!?!” Jack asked, still kind of yelling

“I don’t know but whatever the reason he said it makes his head hurt to think about so it was better in person” Dean informed them “So c’mon!” Dean added as he practically dragged them out of the bunker.

 A few hours later and they were at the location Cas gave. Dean couldn’t believe they’d actually made it; the entire drive he was either hyperventilating or his heart was pounding or both; he had fully given up hope but there he was driving to Cas, his Cas. The three of them walked around the area Cas pointed them to, looking for him, and after a couple of minutes both Sam and Jack stopped walking and stood still which Dean looked perplexed at until he heard him and his heart stopped for a moment.

“Hello Dean.” A voice rang out over the cold winter wind. Dean whipped around sharply to see Cas looking warmly at him, without hesitation Dean ran to him, hugging him with so much force he nearly knocked them both over. “Dean I…” Cas began to say but Dean interrupted him.

“I love you” Dean told him, the words rolling off his tongue as if he’d said them a thousand times; which to be fair, he had in his head over the last few months. Cas stared at Dean dumbfounded and Dean laughed lightly because this must be how Cas felt after he told Dean he loved him. Dean decided that he needed to be stronger with his admission of love. He placed his hand on Cas’ cheek with his thumb under Cas’ chin, and tilted Cas’ head up slightly so that Cas was looking him in the eyes “I love you” Dean repeated, this time putting more emphasis on his words so that Cas knew he meant it.

“Really?” Cas asked as tears welled in his eyes, to which Dean nodded. “Are you sure you mean it the same way I do? Because I mean I get if you mean it in a family way I just…I don’t…” Cas rambled

“Cas” Dean prompted, startling Cas a little by how close he suddenly was, their foreheads touching, Dean’s hand still on Cas’ cheek. “I know…” Dean assured him, his voice barely a whisper, which made Cas’ breath hitch in his throat involuntarily. Dean smirked slightly which made Cas look down at Dean’s lips and Dean could almost hear Cas thinking ‘kiss me’ and so he did.

 The first second or so Cas couldn’t move, completely shocked that Dean actually made the move, but after that he relaxed into it, savouring the moment he’d waited a lifetime (or in his case several lifetimes) for.

“I love you” Cas said softly after they pulled apart. Dean’s heart felt like it flipped at that moment, there was a time he thought he’d never hear those words, coming out of Cas’ mouth, again

“And I love you” Dean reiterated

  They stood there hugging for a few minutes, oblivious to the world around them, before someone broke the silence

“Listen this is really sweet and everything but Dean you have the car keys and it is freezing out here can you at least toss them over so Jack and I don’t freeze to death!?” Sam called from back over by the car.

“Oh oops!” Dean said, mainly to Cas, before turning and throwing Sam the keys, feeling his back vibrate as Cas laughed against it.

“You know…we should probably get out of the cold too” Cas told Dean

“But I like our little warm bubble” Dean whined

“Don’t you wanna know how I’m back?” Cas asked, Dean inhaled sharply; in all the joy of Cas being back and getting to hold him and kiss him, Dean had completely forgotten about the how he ended up there “I’ll take that as a yes” Cas said, before he moved around Dean to head back to the car, only to be stopped a couple of steps after by Dean who took his hand. It was a small thing but Cas could swear if Dean hadn’t been holding onto him he would’ve melted. So many times Cas had wanted to do this, a simple touch, a brush of fingers; so small and yet so important. After so many years telling himself he can’t let himself crave connection like that, to finally to not only admit he wanted it, but to actually get it, felt incredible. He glanced at Dean who responded by holding his hand a little tighter as if to say ‘I know what I’m doing and I want to do it’ so Cas just smiled and they walked hand in hand back to the car where Sam and Jack were sat grinning at them from the back seat.

 “Holy crap!” Dean exclaimed as the warm air from the Impala hit him, in that moment realising just how cold he’d become. After a few minutes regulating their body temperatures Dean was ready to know and Cas was ready to tell

“Okay so…The empty took me into oblivion as you know” Cas began, everyone else nodded “So I get there and I’m awake and so I think oh no not this again and sure enough the empty was pissed saying ‘why won’t you just die quietly!?’ and such and this went on for however long I was gone pretty much” Cas continued “and then one day I was being…dragged? Ejected? Out. It was very weird because it wasn’t like I was being carried out, it was like the empty was trying to push me out, kind of like last time only this time I remember it, as well as an overwhelming feeling of ‘you don’t belong here’ then I woke up and have been trying to find my way back to civilization since” Cas explained then looked at the boys expectantly.

“Cas, when did you come back?” Sam asked

“Two days ago, I remember hearing the radio of a car that drove past me and they said the date that was two days ago”

“What the…” Dean said, shocked

“...Cas, two days ago we took out Chuck.” Sam informed him

“Do you think it’s related?”

“You break out of angel/demon hell the same day we kill the most powerful being ever? Yes it’s related! I mean c’mon!” Dean insisted

“But how?” Jack added

 They brainstormed for a while but every theory had some kind of fatal flaw and then it hit Jack like a lightning bolt

“Wait wait what if it’s not complicated at all? Cas went to the empty but the empty is for angels and demons who died”

“Right…” the others agreed

“Well Cas didn’t die he was just kind of consumed by it. So what if killing Chuck was some kind of reset that every being in there that didn’t actually die, was thrown out??”

“That actually…makes sense…good job kid!” Dean praised

“But if that’s true what else got let out!?” Sam asked panicked, suddenly Cas froze.

“Billie.” Cas stated coldly

“Shit!” They all collectively yelled in unison. And just like that they all knew they’re not done yet…

 Fade to black/credits etc...

[mermaidmasturbation]

thoughts on being crazy? is there such a thing and whats that all about. what is your relationship with craziness

there is such a thing, i call it madness or “estar na loucura”.

I have been “in madness” a couple of times, induced by haxixe or lsd or a high bout of anxiety.

Craziness is in uncertainty, not being certain on which timeline, on which alternative realms, on which body we are, if its a dream or reality. It is a fragmentation, a separation within mind or between mind and body, between identity and universal being.

 This exists only because we have a compliance to continuity, because we are part bodies on earth, in its space and time linear laws, and part minds/souls of esoteric existence, beyond past present and future, beyond material and beyond identity. Because we exist on earth we have the need to be coherent, to share the world, the conscious experience with other humans, because we are souls somewhere we are united to all that exists (you can think about it as many things like the collective unconscious of carl Jung) and we can access all depending on how much you are connected to the universal part of yourself, where alternative realities reside, where intuition talks with divine and non physical entities. How much that gate is open often is a lottery of birth but can also be developed with spiritual practice, the foundation of many religions like buddhism and shamanism (but not its end).

 Scientists describe schizophrenia as seeing patterns where there aren’t, connecting apparently random things , hearing voices, thinking everything happens as a message to them etc, this persons perception of the world does not coincide with the majority, theres no continuity in their world. This i think is the inborn propensity to be more aware of the universal, to have less definition and limits within, less “earthy” filtering essence grounding them (curiously theres studies that show the months where more people have been born diagnosed with schizophrenia are pisces and aquarius months- two signs highly abstract, universally minded, with the inclinations to connect previously disconnected ideias- an ability which breeds genius as well). But what happens is that these people they “fly high” but have no control of their space ship, they were introduced to very powerful realms but do not have the tools to remain condensed, to discern what is being projected from their shadows, their fears, their paranoia. They are living in a world where their mind is very powerful in its evocations but it is not trained for this power and thats the evaporation/ the dissolution of their mind. 

This is the reason why the most important step in all spiritual initiations is discipline, the ability to have power over oneself, to do purification of our vices, acknowledge the shadows, awareness of all conscious states, even to control dreams. Without this, we can not remain certain and whole while destroying the illusions of earth laws. if we do not want to give up our human existence and share humanity we need to comply also to our part earth, and constantly ground ourselves by honoring body and nature. 

Now the advice i give to myself if i am in a bout of madness is to let go this might seem contradictory to what ive been saying but the fear (uncertainty) of not being in a coherent perception projects itself into more of a fragmentation and “demons” to play you, let go of the need to be coherent in that moment and just feel myself in my body, slowly controlling what i can, my breath, my limbs, i usually have to take xanax not gonna lie. But best remedy is preparation which means spiritual practice and discipline. Im not a doctor, if you are constantly doubting that you are mad, i would go to a psychiatrist because you can work on your control over spaceship but first you need to land.

Anxiety pills help me a lot and i no longer smoke haxixe as i would dissassociate / despersonalize, go to loop everytime 

[marlinspirkhall]

Tomorrow Never Comes, Chapter 07: “Not A Single Friend”

Content Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Chapter Word Count: 3,799

[Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8]

Further CW: Major Character Death

 Light streams through the window, and Jim rolls onto his side with a sleepy smile. “Morning,” he hums.

Spock watches him intensely, and it’s only when his eyebrows raise slightly that Jim realises he’s trying to communicate.

 “The bond?” He croaks, pushing himself up on his elbow.

 Spock shakes his head. “It didn’t survive…” His brow furrows. “The planet’s restorative abilities did their job too well.”

 Over the next few days, Spock becomes more withdrawn. It doesn’t worry Jim, exactly; Spock always does this whenever they reach a new obstacle. Perhaps he blames himself. Hell, Jim’s been inside his mind; he knows he blames himself.

 Jim throws himself back into research. He scours every archive he can find, reading the names of wanted smugglers in this sector, anyone who could have disappeared here, anyone who could have a clue. If getting out of here is the only way for them to retain their bond- and their bond is the only thing which will make Spock happy- then he needs to find a solution.

 Jim sits near the guardrail, his legs dangling over the edge of the Veranda, and hears soft footsteps behind him. He turns, with a sad, slight smile.

 “I was thinking about Earth,” Jim murmurs. “Being trapped here almost makes it easier to cope with. Do you find that?”

 Spock gives a hesitant nod. “Earth was similar to this planet in many ways-”

 A huff of laughter. “No, I mean- I can almost pretend that being trapped here is the only reason I won’t see it again,” Jim whispers.

 Spock nods, and joins him beside the guard rail.

They sit in silence for a moment. The dark leaves of the forest rustle all around them; the first warning of the oncoming weather, and Spock wraps his arms tighter around Jim. When the first drops fall, they barely feel them; too lost in one another’s mind.

 With storms like these, eternity is hard to weather. Jim tries to keep track of time, but, if it was hard before, it’s impossible now. He would have thought Spock’s own, immaculate sense of time would keep him in check, but, instead, he wonders if he’s rubbed off on him.

 ‘Or perhaps I was never as good at keeping time as you thought.’

 ‘Well, spending time trapped in a time-loop will do that to a person,’ Jim comments.

 Spock massages his temples, as if dispelling a headache. ‘Perhaps we should practise your ability to block certain thoughts. It’s not necessary for me to know your every thought.’

 ‘Ah, but you love it.’ Jim kisses him.

*

 Once it’s repaired, they take the shuttle for a short test flight over the forest. They don’t dare take it further until they have a more concrete escape plan, but Jim stays in the front seat a little longer once they’ve landed, double checking every part of the controls. There’s a lot about this shuttle he doesn’t understand- it’s got features he’s never seen before: some are experimental, some are prototypes. There’s an abundance of suspicious and dangerous-sounding subroutines. A large file size piques his interest, particularly because it’s nestled within a list of comparatively smaller files.

File Name | size

 11292254qDefp.mp4 | 28.5TB

 11302254RsTwy.mp4 | 22.23TB

 11312254Ghtf2.mp4 | 58.334601151 PiB

 12302253lCmdp.mp4 | 21.56TB

 He stares. 58 pebibytes of information. It must be using all the shuttle’s available memory space. He searches through its parent folders.

 ‘Overseer Protocol: Active.’

 Curious, he selects it.

 ‘Admin override required.’

 He inputs Leland’s password, but the system refuses to accept it. Whatever the overseer protocol is, it was clearly intended to keep Leland in line. It takes Jim a couple of tries to override the system without the password.

 There’s a bleep.

 The video files load in their raw form: dates, followed by a series of timestamps.

28 Oct: 24:23:09

 29 Oct: 25:00:00

 30 Oct: 19:30:03

 The screen flickers, and freezes for a moment as the numbers load.

 25:56:03

 An error sound.

 625:56:04

 5625:56:05

 31 Oct: 45625:56:07

 He exhales. The seconds keep ticking up. His heart pounds in his ears.

 He chooses the file from October 30th, and picks a timestamp towards the end. The screen pulls up two videos, side-by-side. Two cameras. One of them displays the exterior of the shuttle, the other, the interior. The int. screen is pitch black, and the ext. is extremely dim. The only sound is the faint rustle of the trees, battered by the wind. He rolls the video back, and lands on footage of the three of them on that first day, unloading the shuttle. He clenches his fist as he watches the early relationship between Leland and Spock, and he considers just how far he’s come. In some ways, it’s a miracle he ever got away from Leland at all; and a cynical part of him wonders if, perhaps, he never did. Jim glances to the entrance to the basement with an uneasy feeling.

 Spock has moments like the other night- flashes of affection- and then seems to draw back in on himself. Granted, Jim never expected it to happen all at once, but he almost believed that would be it- one final mind meld, and he would be able to save Spock. He’d forgotten, of course, just how many times Spock had melded with him before. It could be that first times- all the times which were erased from Jim’s memory- are easier than the second.

 He assured Spock that he’s not trying to get him to behave more human, not holding him to Vulcan stereotypes or standards, or a strict section-31 regimen, as Leland would have. But, still, there are days where he cannot reach him.

 He watches as he and Spock enter the forest, and Leland begins to move the crates of power packs towards the entrance of the basement.

 Jim clicks the video off, and chooses an entry from the 29th. More of the same. Leland, crashing the shuttle through the Martian dome with barely a scratch.

 As for that final entry…

 The shuttle must have continued recording the whole time they were in the time-loop. The internal clock is programmed for the Martian 25-hour standard, perhaps because Mars Colony was the last chartered place the shuttle landed on, though the days aren’t nearly as long on Heirin- they’re perhaps nineteen, twenty hours maximum.

 There are perhaps six Earth-years’ worth of footage crammed into this one device. He wonders how many recordings there are of himself or Leland dying, and his stomach turns. He doesn’t really want to know, but the monitor could have other uses. He ends the recording manually, and switches to a new recording. He waves his hand in front of the screen experimentally. The interior camera appears to be built right into the screen.

 He disconnects the monitor carefully, and weighs it in his hands for a moment. It’s small, and relatively weighty. He considers showing it to Spock, but, after a moment’s hesitation, he drags it into the server room. He’s not sure if Spock would want to be reminded of how long he’s spent here. Not yet.

 He plugs the monitor into the console, though it appears to have some internal, backup power-source. The video files have disappeared- no doubt stored in the shuttle, as the monitor’s internal storage is comparatively smaller. Jim leaves it by the consoles for now.

*

 Jim is attempting to balance on one leg.

 “What are you doing?”

 “I’m trying to see if I can build up-” Jim falls over with a cry. “- Muscle,” he hisses, rubbing his hamstring with a grimace. He stands back up, and resumes the position. “We still don’t know if our bodies are entirely replaced each morning, or if it only happens when one of us is injured.” He poses. “How does my butt look?”

 “The same as usual,” Spock says, dryly.

“Well, it’s early days,” Jim shrugs.

 Spock hesitates, then steps a little closer. “I doubt it’s possible for you to gain much more… ‘muscle’ in this particular area,” he says, tactfully.

 Jim shoots him a glare over his shoulder, and promptly overbalances. “There’s that Vulcan tact, I see.”

 “This could help prove it, once and for all.”

 “It is futile to attempt to prove something which runs so contrary to the laws of physics-”

 Jim grabs his hand, and, with one sharp tug, Spock lands in the mud beside him, and they bump heads.

 “Law of gravity,” Jim says, sheepishly, as he rubs his nose.

 As far as he can tell, their bodies seem incapable of going through any kind of change. Gaining/losing weight, scarring, telepathic bonds- none of them seem to stick. They really do seem to regenerate each morning, without exception, though the rest of their surroundings wither. And we’ll never age. It’s practically immortality, Jim thinks.

 If only we weren’t stuck here.

*

 The next time Spock melds with him, a bond forms almost immediately, as it did before.

 ‘I guess that means we’re exceptionally compatible.’

 Spock tilts his head. ‘We know each other well. A bond is an inevitable side effect.’

 ‘That’s what I said!’

 Despite its futility, Jim convinces Spock to bond with him again. And again. It becomes a strange sort of game, a dance; to go to sleep each evening aware of the other, with the ability to broadcast their every thought into the others’ head, and renew it each morning.

 ‘Are you familiar with Greek mythology?’ Jim asks. Spock appears in front of him, stern and disapproving.

 ‘If I were not, I could get the information from your mind.’

 ‘Right,’ Jim laughs. ‘At first, I thought we might be living the life of Sisyphus, cursed to roll the same boulder up the hill every day. But, every time I look at you, the story of Tantalus comes to mind.’

 Spock’s eyebrows twitch. The landscape shifts, until Jim is standing neck-deep in water, watching ripples on the surface of a great lake. Spock stands on the shore.

 A large willow tree looms over Jim, its leaves a delicate, olive-leaf green. Something flutters across his face, pale pink and soft. A single petal. Jim smiles serenely, and glances at the underside of the tree. Improbably- and, perhaps, illogically- it is covered with cherry blossoms, the like he hasn’t seen since Earth.

 “Which am I, Jim?” Spock says, in a booming whisper. His voice echoes all around him, syllables melting into great, crashing waves. “The water you can never stoop to drink, or the fruit which is just out of reach?”

 Jim focuses on the falling petals, their delicate red hue looking less familiar by the moment, and contemplates their similarity to the rocks on Heirin. Everything about this planet is overpowering: drenching, seeping into them, even in these stolen moments of serenity. Jim knows better than most how easily alliances can be shattered by violence, and, reaching out, he touches one of the petals.

 “Neither,” he answers. He takes a deep breath. “I know what you’re scared of- that I, like Leland, view you as a prize to be won- but I don’t.” He considers for a moment. “But, I do need you. You are only like the water because I need you to sustain me. Only like the fruit because I’m willing to wait for you to fall. This… Time loop, this trap we’re caught in- I wouldn’t be able to survive it without you. You’ve demonstrated that, time and time again.”

 As he’s talking, the water level shrinks to his waist.

 “I don’t want to be trapped here, but there is one benefit- it gives me time to wait.”

 Spock blinks. “For what?”

 “You.”

 Spock reaches out, and catches a falling petal. “You could be waiting for a long time.”

 The echo of laughter. “As far as we know, we have eternity.” He holds his hand out, and Spock appears next to him. He wraps his arms around his shoulders and kisses him slowly.

 They’re so deep in the meld that it takes daybreak to pull them out of it. Jim wakes up in bed blinking in the light. Spock is curled on his side next to him, his hand outstretched towards Jim’s forehead. It’s almost easy to believe that he fell asleep this way.

 He reaches out, and cards a hand through Spock’s hair. For a moment, he allows himself to pretend that they’re just two lovers, lying together on a lazy Sunday morning with no responsibilities, and nothing else to do. But, it isn’t Sunday, and, somewhere below them, Leland is waking, too.

 He kisses Spock’s wrist. He twitches in his sleep, his brows pulling together, perhaps sensing Jim’s troubled thoughts. Jim rises, and hurries downstairs as quietly as he can without sacrificing speed.

 Leland’s “rise and shine” doesn’t have time to fall from his lips.

*

 Jim spends a pleasant morning with Spock before returning to the server room for his usual dig through The Klingon archives. His Klingon has gotten really good recently, and he’s sure there must be something he’s overlooked in the top-secret war files. As he goes to input the now-familiar sequence, something catches his eye in front of him.

 ‘Mars-Colony gang members reported missing […] with the exception of T’Gar Taag, who was apprehended last Tuesday-”

 His eyes widen, and he leans back in his chair, eyes darting around the printings and clippings laid out on the walls.

  ‘Crash-landing results in bloodbath […] sole survivor, Lewis McAllister-’

 Sole survivor. Jim reaches forwards, bringing up the scribbled translations of the Klingon tomes he was able to piece together. It’s only legend.

 A time loop, sparked by the spilling of innocent blood.

 A hazy memory from that first night. Perhaps it’s so hazy because it’s the last thing he remembers before he was murdered: Leland, sitting opposite him in an unknown cave, firelight painting his face, and the walls, a deep, intense red. “When the battle ended, there wasn’t a single enemy left.”

 “And not a single friend, either,” Jim had joked.

 He’s not laughing now. He sits in the server room for a moment, hands trembling as he contemplates his next move. Then, he rises, tears the clippings from the wall, and heads for the door. On his way out, he doubles back, and grabs the monitor which he tore from the shuttle, hugging it to his chest as he runs through the beginnings of rain.

 He enters the stronghold through the main entrance, and enters the central hall. Spock is upstairs, meditating. After a moment’s deliberation, Jim stashes the print-outs under the cushions of the sofa. As for the monitor…

 He grabs an axe from the wall, and steps into the downstairs bathroom.

 The shower runs. It provides an interesting background to Jim’s conversation with himself. The green light paints his face a sickly sheen, and he looks almost… Undead. It’s not entirely inappropriate, he thinks grimly, as he sets the axe and the monitor in the tub, and hits record.

*

 Spock wakes up alone, which isn’t entirely unusual, but he feels strangely uneasy.

 Downstairs, Jim sits at the dining table, papers laid out all around him, as is customary for one of their escape-planning sessions; although it’s been a while since they’ve had one. The change in their surroundings is immediately apparent.

 “You’ve redecorated,” Spock observes, lightly.

 The remaining knives, weapons and tools have vanished from the walls, and Jim gives him a strange smile. “I thought we could use some… Variety.”

 Spock lifts an eyebrow, and settles in the chair opposite him. He only needs to study his face for a moment.

 “You’ve found a way for us to leave,” he realises.

 “No,” Jim closes his eyes. “Not us, exactly…”

 Jim points to one of the headlines, then the others, and begins to explain. As he listens, Spock’s heart begins to pound in his chest, and he struggles to remain outwardly calm. He feels every bit as trapped as he did that first night, when Leland had pointed a phaser at him.

 He remembers the clatter as the power pack had fallen into the gap in the ceiling, and his eyes dart, momentarily, upwards.

 “- But,” Jim catches his breath, “There’s another option.” He swallows. “We could stay here, together. I know I’ve said it before, but- we don’t need to eat. We don’t even, technically, need to sleep. That’s paradise, to some people. Maybe as close to it as we’re ever going to get. We’d never get old, and we could live our lives in relative comfort, until one or both of us was ready to…” He swallows. “Leave.”

 Spock’s face twitches. The idea is almost tempting. Except...

 “Rise and shine, campers!”

 He turns to the door. “There will always be Leland.”

 “A small price to pay for paradise,” Jim says.

 Spock purses his lips, and begins to rise from his seat.

 “No.” Jim pushes his chair back, and places a hand over Spock’s. “Allow me.”

 Spock slumps, and watches as Jim exits onto the Veranda.

 Footsteps, quickly, down the stairs.

 Voices. A scuffle.

 A body hits the ground.

 Outside, Jim drags Leland’s body towards the forest, and Spock watches them until they’re out of sight.

 He sits. He sits and contemplates, for how long, he does not know.

 He considers everything that Jim had told him. With his strength, it would be easy to kill Leland with his bare hands. But, Jim? If the man turned on him, he would certainly have the physical strength to defend himself, but there are other factors to consider.

 “Theoretically, if we’re here long enough… Axes will blunt. Knives will wear down.”

 They would have to kill Leland with their bare hands, day after day after day. And- if ever Jim got bored of him, as humans are wont to do- he would have to rid himself of Spock in the same, clumsy way. Vulcans are patient, Leland had said. But, he was raised by humans, and he has murdered his fathers too many times to cling onto any concept of remorse. For surely- surely- somewhere, after years of two-person solitude in this desert of companionship, Jim will tire of a world where the only person to quench his thirst is a Vulcan. Spock can foresee it with almost-perfect clarity: a day where Jim will bore, and he will only be able to repay him in blood.

 As if moved by some external force, Spock hurries upstairs, and retrieves one of the empty phasers which Leland had left in the third drawer of the nightstand. Then, he returns downstairs, and pushes one of the dining chairs to the center of the room.

 He climbs onto it. Blindly, he reaches into the gap in the ceiling, searching for the power pack which Leland had lost, yesterday and so many years ago. After all this time, there’s no guarantee that it will still work, and a part of him hopes that it won’t.

 So much has changed since that first night. In many ways, they have become complacent of the danger Leland poses to them, a danger which is very likely to return.

 And, there are so many ways that it could go wrong. If, one day, either one of them forgets to kill Leland, he could kill one or both of them instead. They have already been clumsy too many times. If it happens again, and Leland succeeds in killing one of them by mistake, they would lose their memories. Even if a mind meld could partially restore them, it would put them at a dangerous disadvantage.

 And Leland need only be lucky once.

 There are other things, too. Spock appreciates an adherence to routine; he does not know if the same is true for Jim. And, when one takes into account the enormity of eternity, it may not even be true for himself.

 A part of him longs to put it to the test. To see how many eons they could go on thriving in this remote place. Never growing older, even as the stronghold around them was eroded by the winds of time. They could repair it, to a point, but, eventually, they would have to rebuild it from the woods that surround them. Fashioning their own tools as the old fell to ruin. That would certainly speed up the daily ritual of what must be done.

 A small price to pay for paradise.

 But, truly, how many times could they bear the stain of Leland’s blood? The man isn’t innocent by any stretch of the imagination, but, if there’s any truth in the terran concept of “purgatory”, has enough time elapsed to pay off his debt? At any rate, they’re not dealing with a world of terran invention, but it can’t be a Klingon one, either: in this instance, The Last Man Standing would be without honour.

 How long before the ravine to the East becomes full of identical corpses, as the clearing in the woods was once overcrowded with Jim’s? And, in truth, is still overcrowded. There’s no room to start a life together on a planet littered with one another’s bones.

 Mining the planet by hand if they had to. Perhaps they would even uncover the buried Time Crystal which keeps them trapped here, and a way to destroy it. But, even as he allows himself to dream, he knows it’s impossible. If there is any pattern to his life so far, any truth in the instruction given to him by Leland, it is this:

 Vulcans are patient. Humans are not.

 Most importantly, any exceptions aside: James Kirk is not. Jim, the man who bet the late Christopher Pike that he could graduate in four years, and have command of his own ship in five. Jim, the man who cheated on The Kobayashi Maru.

 Still, the test was designed to be unbeatable. And, perhaps- perhaps- if Jim Kirk was willing to sit an unbeatable test three times- he may not be so impatient after all. Perhaps, somehow, through the combined stubbornness that’s sustained them so far, they will find another solution-

 The door opens behind him. Spock swings round, still balanced precariously on the chair, and Jim stops dead in his tracks.

 Without breaking eye contact, Spock slots the power pack into place, and levels the phaser at Jim.

 Jim stares at him, open-mouthed. Spock steps down from the chair, and Jim settles into a grim smile. He doesn’t move. Doesn’t run.

 They stare at each other like exhausted children, waiting for a drawn-out game of make-believe to finally end.

 Humans are impatient, Spock assures himself. He waits for Jim to make the first move, but he doesn’t even twitch. Conceivably, they could both stand here forever.

His fingers find the trigger.

 He is impatient.

 He fires.

[Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8]

[a-crimson-lion]

The Moms Of BNHA

[Warning: Spoilers and Potentially Triggering Opinions follow. You've been warned.]

[Also: Long Post.]

So, I've been thinking about this when I should be doing, homework (lol), but... can we talk about a certain trio of moms in BNHA?

Inko Midoriya

Inko is probably the least problematic mom I'll be talking about today. Does that make her perfect? Hell no! But she tries so hard for Izuku, and it shows. Even if she doesn't support Izuku's dreams of heroism once he's diagnosed as Quirkless, it's clear that she supported him in any other way she could think of. She's also worried about his well being, as we see after the mall confrontation and the aftermath of Kamino. And when she sees Izuku's dreams finally becoming a possibility after a lifetime of doubt, she apologizes, fully supporting Izuku's choice in life from there on out. Sure, after Kamino she considers pulling Izuku out of UA, but that's not from a place of selfishness or malice. It's out of worry. She wants her son to be happy, but she also wants him to be safe.

Honestly, I can't think of any legitimate reason to full on hate her...

Rei Todoroki

So Rei... gosh where do I begin?

She's definitely more problematic than Inko, or rather, her situation is. People tend to get on her case because she was apparently just as abusive to Shoto as Endeavor was, and-

Can... can we talk about this for a moment?

I understand that what Rei Todoroki did was wrong, end of discussion. I understand what Rei did only worsened the circumstances for her family, her son, and herself. I understand that while her institutionalization wasn't fair, it was likely for the best given her state of mind. But to put the blame squarely and soley on Rei's shoulders?

That's where I draw the line.

I only say this with the experience of a novice, but from personal experience, most people don't just randomly lash out spontaneously. In my case, it's usually a series of offenses (minor or major) that I refuse to respond to because I feel like that will make me a bad person, but that residual rage? It builds up. Sometimes you can let it out in minor spurts, but it's not enough. One day, one way or another, it will boil over. All that anger, all that frustration, all that rage will combust. You won't be able to stop it once it starts. You'll feel tense. You'll punch things, not caring whether you'll break them or they'll break you. When you get tired of that, you'll storm off into your room and angrily sob into your pillows, or yell/growl... or both. And when it's finally over, you'll still feel like crap. And it'll be a long while before it feels like you or anyone else can forgive yourself.

This is me anywhere from several months to several years. Rei Todoroki had to put up with Endeavor and his abusive behavior for about a decade.

Rei was abused, end of story. Rei's children were abused, either physically or neglectfully, end of story. We've seen Shoto's training. We've heard Endeavor hitting his wife and hearing her scream. People are not perfect. People are not invincible. To expect that someone like Rei could keep her head held high when it felt like the world was against her is like expecting a stone to say the same shape and size out in the open for thousands of years.

In the end, it all wears down.

Rei even knew this herself. She knew she was breaking down, and tried to call on her other family in order to stop something bad from happening. Too little, too late. Rei sees her son, the left side of her son, the side that her husband was responsible for, in a sense. She remembers all the beatings, all the physical and mental degradation against herself and her kids, and she snaps. She has finally had it with Endeavor, and in her fury, she pours boiling water against his face. Only it wasn't her husband's face. It was Shoto's. Her youngest child, her little boy, the one Endeavor was the most brutal to. The one she had wanted to live without fear of a beating.

And she just struck him without a second thought.

There's immediate remorse. Rei doesn't stew in her rage; the guilt overtakes her almost instantaneously. You could argue that trying to ice boiling water is not the best method of preventing a burn, but it's the intentions that matter here. From what I've heard, the scar could have been a lot bigger if Rei just stood there. Plus, I don't think it's necessarily common that people think 100% sanely when they're overcome by extreme emotion. Saying Rei was wrong for trying to soothe her son's burn even if it wasn't the best method is like getting made at a fireman for successfully putting a forest fire out, even of the trees are no longer living.

It's permanent damage, but would you rather deal with that, or something worse?

And just imagine how Shoto feels in all of this. There's sadness. There's betrayal. Of course some of it is directed at Rei, and deservingly so. The one person he felt he could trust basically just turned on him, seemingly out of nowhere. And yet... even though Shoto is a child, he's far from naive. He knows that Endeavor isn't a good person. He's heard his mother's cries, likely her arguments with his father, and he's even been a witness to Endeavor's abuse towards her. She may have done the deed, but for Shoto, the scar isn't his mom's fault. It's Endeavor's. He was the one who abused them, he was the one who took away their sense of happiness, of safety, he was the one who pushed them to the brink and then pushed them some more.

If he had just been a bit more considerate, a bit more reasonable, a bit more human, Rei's breakdown might have been delayed, if not outright nonexistent.

And can we just talk about the Rei/Endeavor parallels for a bit? Nowadays the manga readers are in the midst of Endeavor's redemption arc. I personally think that it's mildly problematic, but I will admit that it's probably better for Endeavor to not continue being a sorry excuse of a human being for the remainder of the series. That being said, I'd like to point out that Rei came first. Rei threw the first jab, and immediately felt remorse afterward. Shoto walked back into Rei's life, and she did not take that opportunity for granted. She spent the time shortly after her hospitalization trying to get better, and this is only more apparent when we see her for the rest of the series. As for Endeavor? His change in behavior was a lot slower. I'll admit that functionally speaking, he's a good hero, but as a person he's the scum of the Earth. He doesn't try self-evaluating after Shoto's fight with Izuku when Shoto says he only used his fire because he forgot about Endeavor. Even at Kamino, Endeavor is still an ass to All Might even though they have bigger things to worry about. And when he sees Small Might, exposed to the world? His first idea is to state that knowing he'd never catch up to All Might drove him to abusing his family.

Endeavor, buddy, that was your call. Not All Might's. Quite frankly, I don't think he's even aware of the BS you put your family through.

One of the few things that frustrates me about Endeavor's redemption is not that he has one; it's that under different circumstances, it wouldn't exist to begin with. Without All Might's retirement, without Endeavor forced into the spotlight as the new #1 Hero, there is no development on his part. I'd have the gall to say that Endeavor would still be a narcissistic asshole if All Might managed to hang on to his power for a while longer. Without the pressure of being #1 on his shoulders, Endeavor continues (in vain) to try and surpass All Might, or at least get Shoto to. He's still a good hero functionally speaking, but how long until his obsession starts to cloud his judgement? How long before the #2 Hero eventually slips up in his rage-fueled fervor?

I'll say it again: it's good that Endeavor is trying to change, but without any actual unprovoked self reflection on his part, it's not as impactful.

So to sum it up, I don't think Rei deserves all the hate she gets. She deserves to be held accountable for what she did, yes, but she's also a human being who was put into a mentally toxic position. It's a miracle she didn't snap sooner, and it's a miracle she's finally making progress with help from her kids.

Mitsuki Bakugo

And finally, the reason why I started down this train of thought.

I'm not even gonna try beating around the bush here: Mitsuki Bakugo is a bad parent.

Notice how I didn't say abusive. No, that does not mean I'm validating her. It just means I personally haven't seen or heard enough in the series thus far to justify whether she should be held on the same level as Endeavor, if not close.

I still have enough sense to see that she's not a good parent though. Far from it, actually.

So far we've only seem Mitsuki officially in a parent teacher meeting after Kamino, and a brief mention of her from Katsuki during the Remedial Course Arc. It doesn't paint a good picture. Right from the get go, her first scene is her hitting her son on the head and calling him weak. This isn't some slapstick or tough love, as some people will say. This is something entirely different, and it should tell readers two things.

Mitsuki is disconnected from her son.

Mitsuki is a carbon copy of her son.

Now take that second point with a grain of salt. People have said time and time again that Mitsuki is basically a genderbent Katsuki, which is accurate to a degree. She's also more mellowed out than Katsuki, as she can talk to other people without trying to assert her dominance. She's actually surprisingly aware of her son's superiority complex as well, but... For all that, it's obvious that Mitsuki isn't actually fully aware of her son's issues. Like her son, Mitsuki is also too focused on her son's brute strength. Calling him weak isn't some karmic justice for all the times Katsuki has said the same to other people; it's a feedback loop that feeds into Katsuki's insecurities, which feeds into his inferiority complex, which feeds into his superiority, which then repeats ad infinitum. You could argue that maybe Katsuki has acted too thick-skinned around his mom to let her actually get a feel for his problems, but I personally doubt that she's really tried to understand her son, or maybe she just... gave up.

And then there's Katsuki saying that he was raised with violence. "BUT CRIMSON, SHE HAS TO BE ABUSIVE IF SHE'S WILLING TO HIT HER KID, WhY cAn'T yOu AcCePt ThAt!?" Well, from what I learned, people can hit their kids and still? Not? Be abusers? Spanking used to be a thing, y'know, and while it's heavily controversial nowadays, I doubt that the good parents used it at the drop of a hat. Kids can be jerks; I was one. Back to Mitsuki, I doubt that this line meant from the day Katsuki had been four years old, his life had been hell. I feel like even if Mitsuki was still brash, she didn't immediately start beating on Katsuki when he started to get a big head. If anything, I'd assume she waited about two years at most before she started letting the fists fly. Keep in mind, almost everyone Katsuki meets admires him for his abilities. Who's to say his mom wasn't one of those people at the start? It wouldn't have been until Katsuki ego started becoming a noticeable issue that Mitsuki decided she needed to tale care of it. Only problem? Mitsuki makes bad decisions, just like her son. Resorting to physical violence and verbal taunts did nothing to help Katsuki, but it's what Mitsuki knew how to do, so she rolled with that. I'm not giving Katsuki a pass because of this, however. Shoto essentially went through the same thing, and his response was not to endlessly shout at others or display dominance. The violence targeted at the boys was brutal, but violence doesn't justify more violence. Katsuki may have had a convenient excuse to start being an ass to people, but so did Shoto. And yeah, "Earlyroki" was an ass, but at least it wasn't intentional.

Before I go, I just want to bring up really quick where Masaru falls into this. One could argue that Masaru's also to blame for how Katsuki turned out for not stepping in but... have you seen Mitsuki, or even Katsuki for that matter? No offense to Masaru, but he's kind of a doormat character. He only married Mitsuki due to her persistence, and while Masaru's "Oxidizing Sweat" quirk is likely destructive, Masaru himself is... not. He seems to be the exact opposite of his wife and son personality wise, only instead of canceling them out, his lack of dominance forces him to run for cover should a dark omen come about. We've seen what Katsuki's done to Izuku before UA. Masaru basically has to put up with two of those, and unlike our protagonist, he doesn't have the resilience to withstand that much anger.

So...

TL;DR. Inko Midoriya is a great mom who just wants her son to be safe and happy. Rei Todoroki cares a lot about her son and is willing to work to show it, even in the face of setbacks. Mitsuki Bakugo is a terrible parent who either needs to figure out what's wrong with her son properly, or leave to someone who can.

Thank you for your time.

-Crimson Lion (24 November 2019)

[chillmichelle]

White Roses

Y/N has spent the last 3 years dating Shawn and taking care of his son after his mother abandoned them following his birth. Everything changes when she returns

Really sad.

Word count: 4.2K

-

“Okay Honey, do you want fruit loops or cocoa puffs?”

Opening the cabinet in a large men’s t-shirt and baggy sweatpants, Y/N swipes a piece of hair that fell out of her bun out of her face. She reaches up to grab the flimsy cardboard boxes of cereal, stretching her arms up far beyond her head on the tips of her toes.

“Fruit loops please” Y/N smiles at the way Eddie’s R’s sound like W’s at his lack of tiny teeth. She grabs the colorful box, tilting it so that the rainbow circles fill the small glass bowl in front of her.

Just as she’s done pouring the milk into the bowl of cereal, she feels two warm arms wrap around her waist.

“Already having breakfast without me?” Shawn places a warm kiss onto her shoulder and she giggles, turning around to place her arms around his neck.

“You wouldn’t get up so I figured i’d cover breakfast duty.” Shawn lets out a hum of appreciation, leaning down to give her a peck on the lips. After they disconnect, he mutters a small “I’m so lucky to have you.” Before grasping the bowl of cereal from the island behind her and placing it on the dining room table in front of his son.

“Daddy, how do I do this one?” He points to his math homework with his dull green crayon. Shawn looks at the paper, feigning confusion before teaching him how to do the simple addition.

Y/N watches with admiration. Although Eddie wasn’t hers genetically, she knew that after knowing him for nearly 3 years they’d both grown fond of eachother. She loved Eddie like he was her own, it was easier to considering he was the spitting image of his father.

Finishing her mug of hot coffee, Y/N places the mug in the sink. She walks over to the large marble table her boyfriend and Eddie are sat at, finishing their homework, and she places a kiss on the side of both of their heads.

“It’s 7:15, do you want me to drop Eddie off today?” She asks Shawn. She grabs the empty bowl with traces of milk hinting at the bottom, tossing it into the sink.

“I can drop him off on the way to Geoff’s.” He tells her.

“Eddie, go get your backpack.” Shawn tells him and the little boy nods, his wavy hair falling over his forehead in a little flop.

As they hear Eddies little sock clad feet pad up the stairs to his room, Shawn grabs Y/N by the waist and pulls her into him, tucking her head under his chin and placing a small kiss onto the top of her head.

“You’re so good to him.” He happily tells her. She smiles contently, breathing in the scent of his cologne with a deep breath. His cotton shirt feel soft against her cheek, and his broad frame allows her to just barely squeeze her arms around him.

“Ready to go!” A high pitched voice sing songs from the front door. They pull apart and Shawn gives her a little peck on the lips.

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Now go before you’re late.” She pushes, smiling goofily like a child as he walks towards the front door and puts his shoes on one by one. She hears Eddie ask him a question about something he read in a book as they walk out the door and she sighs in content.

-

Y/N’s between classes.

She has 3 classes from 8:00-2:00, and then she has a two hour break before her final class at 4:00. During the 2 hours she spends her break grabbing lunch with her friends, or studying in the library on campus if the hours aren’t too busy.

Today, she’s chosen to spend her 2 hours in the small coffee shop on campus. The shop, attached to a local bookstore, has a very cozy feeling as she sips her tea and reads through her textbook while taking notes.

At 3:30 she gets a call from Shawn. Her phone blurts out with a catchy tune and people sitting around her and studying shoot her dirty looks as she answers. She’s not very sure what he could be calling for but nevertheless she answers.

“Hello?” She whispers into the phone, trying to be as quiet as possible.

“Baby” She hears Shawn quickly reply. He sounds stressed, or exhausted. Y/N can hear his heavy breathing over the phone and she automatically assumes something is wrong.

“Is everything okay?” She asks.

“Yeah!” He quickly and abruptly responds, “Well, actually, Eddie got hurt at school.”

She gasps, immediately having a dozen thoughts run through her head. She’s worried to say the least about Eddie, there are so many things that could happen to a five year old boy at school. She specifically remembers breaking her arm herself in secondary school, and she immediately pushes her thoughts aside.

“Is he okay? How badly hurt? If I leave right now I can make it to the hos-”

“Honey, calm down.” Shawn interrupts with a chuckle, “It’s not bad, apparently he was having a foam sword fight with one of his classmates and he slipped and cut his arm on the shelf. It’s not that serious but they just want us to pick him up and i’m at work so I was hoping you could?”

Y/N sighs in relief, her entire demeanor changing. People shoot her dirty looks at how loudly her questioning was and she embarrassingly cups her hand around her phone.

Y/N knows she has a class in merely thirty minutes, but the kindergarten was only 10 minutes away, and her babysitter’s home was only 15 minutes away. If she rushed she could make it back in time.

“Say no more, I can drop him off”

And she throws her textbooks and journals into her back frantically, zipping it up and rushing out of the bookstore.

-

When Y/N had first met Shawn, he wasn’t nearly as open and put together as he was now.

He was a single father without any experience, barely raising a child on his own. He’d practically given up his career at that point to devote himself to becoming a good father, but instead of devoting himself to something else, he’d ended up losing himself in the process.

On top of this, he’d been abandoned by the first girl he loved, who had sworn she was as in love with him as she was raising their child, but had escaped her responsibilities and bolted the second Eddie was born.

And then he found Y/N.

With her soft hair and her even softer eyes. She’d been helping out at the local music festival by helping set up the technical equipment, the same music festival that Shawn first took Eddie too. Shawn wanted his son to love and appreciate music just as much as he did.

Eddie had gone missing when Shawn looked away for a moment, and while he was practically freaking out, he immediately felt better when he found him tugging on a beautiful girl’s sweater while she made faces to make him laugh.

So piece by piece, and bit by bit, Y/N put him back together... She travelled with him to scenic spots to have lunch while Shawn wrote lyrics and she watched over Eddie. She took care of Eddie while Shawn began going to the studio to record again.

It wasn’t until he met Y/N that Shawn realized how preposterous and devious it was of Eddie’s mother to have left him to begin with. Y/N had practically raised Eddie alongside him, and he’d grown closer with her than he could ever be with Veronica at this point.

For the longest time Shawn had believed that he was the reason Veronica had left, that it was his wrongdoing that led her out of his life. He believed that he was the reason his son would grow up without a mother. He spent two years being ashamed of himself, all the while stressed from the lack of sleep he was getting by single handedly raising a child.

But when he met Y/N, he finally realized that Veronica had been selfish, and that he’d done his best to raise his son correctly. He knew that her leaving was her own irresponsible doing, and that he didn’t have to blame himself for someone else’s decisions.

It was a Sunday, and Y/N was on her way to bake cookies with Eddie for the bake sale his school had the next day. Grabbing two fabric grocery bags in her fists, she made her way past the door to Shawn’s place. She had a smile painted across her face, excitement from spending more time with the people she loved.

And then she saw her.

Y/N had only ever seen her in pictures before. Some of them across fan accounts on the internet, and some on tabloids when she searched her boyfriends name to find his tour dates.

She noticed that in person her eyes were much greener, legs much longer, skin radiant as if she were a permanently airbrushed human being. But what threw her off, oddly enough, wasn’t even the fact that she was sitting on the couch to her boyfriend’s living room after abandoning him and her son after giving birth. It was the fact that the two of them were laughing, a bowl of fruit set in front of them as Shawn bounced Eddie on his knee.

Y/N would be lying if she said her chest didn’t twist up into little knots. She was just a bit upset, not just because of the pain that she had caused her boyfriend, but also because it seemed like there was nothing wrong. She returned after being gone for years and just butted in perfectly.

Eddie looks rather uncomfortable being seated in front of the woman. His large hazel eyes seem droopy and bored. He squirms around on Shawn’s knee, not wanting to be where he is.

Y/N sets her groceries down on the counter, the rustling of the packaging inside making noticeable noises. From the corner of her eyes, she sees three pairs of eyes snap over to where she’s standing.

“Mom!” Eddie jumps up to run towards her. Y/N can’t help but flutter at the name, and she sees the disappointed look on Veronica’s face from the corner of her eye.

“Hi honey! Are you excited to make some cookies?” Y/N ruffles Eddie’s curly hair, no doubt a trademark of his dad. His nose scrunches up as she ruins his messy hair and he smiles happily as he runs behind the kitchen island.

Shawn stands up from the couch along with Veronica, walking over to the kitchen area where Y/N is unpacking some flour, and placing several pints of ice cream into the freezer (they were on sale). She shoots Veronica a glance, but quickly tears her eyes away.

“Y/N, this is Veronica, Veronica this is my girlfriend Y/N.” He introduces him. Veronica narrows her eyes slightly before painting a smile on her face and sticking out her hand for Y/N to shake.

“Nice to meet you.” Y/N says to be polite, hiding her disdain as she immediately turns around to grab the sugar from the cabinets behind her. When she grabs it and then places it on the counter, Eddie and Shawn are nowhere to be seen. She furrows her eyebrows in confusion and Veronica reads her facial expressions, speaking up.

“They went over there.” She points at a door. Y/N knows she’s never been in the house before, since she spent her time with Shawn while he still lived in his condo. She nods and heads over to Shawn’s large bedroom, opening the door to see Shawn squatting in front of Eddie.

“You can’t call Y/N mommy when Veronica’s around because she might get sad. It’s rude and it’s not very nice.”

Y/N feels her heart ache a bit. Shawn was defending the woman who had hurt him, who’d abandoned him for lord knows what and Eddie only called Y/N that because  she was the closest thing he had to a mother figure. All of his friends had moms, and Y/N knew that the concept would be confusing to him at such a young age.

“But that’s what I call her in front of everyone else?” Eddie is clearly disappointed because he feels like he’s being disciplined, with his dad sternly speaking to him in private. He sees Y/N when she widens the door and immediately rushes over to grab at her leg, hugging it towards him.

Y/N pets at his curls while Shawn sighs, walking over to the two of them.

“What is she doing here?” She sternly, but quietly, asks him. He lets out a deep breath, fingers nervously running through his hair.

“She stopped by. Trust me, I was angry at her at first too. But Y/N, she told me she wants to play a part in Eddie’s life now. She’s applied for modelling jobs in Toronto and she’s planning on getting an apartment here. I figured i’d let her, because Eddie doesn’t have a mom.”

Y/N’s chest thuds a little bit when Shawn tells her those words, but she knows he’s right. She’s not Eddie’s mother, no matter how much it feels like it.

“Shawn, she left you both.” Y/N tells him. He sighs.

“I knew you would say that.” He honestly tells her. And it isn’t in a casual way, he seems annoyed at it. Annoyed at the fact that Y/N wouldn’t forgive the woman who practically destroyed him, right away.

“Do you not remember how hurt you were when she left you? How she said she didn’t want either of you?” She questions. Shawn asks Eddie to leave, as he doesn’t want him listening, but Eddie refuses to be left alone with Veronica. He shakes his head and tightens his grip on Y/N’s thigh.

“People deserve second chances, Y/N.” He tells her.

“Not for things this big, they don’t!” She exclaims back at him. He pinches the bridge of his nose, wanting to leave the situation.

“Eddie deserves better than that, we both know that.”

He doesn’t respond, instead focusing his attention on the floor as he shakes his head, dodging every word she says.

“She hasn’t been a good mother to him, you know that. She hasn’t been at any of his school performances or dropped him off at daycare, or spent any time with him at all.” She tries to reason.

“Jesus christ, Y/N, you’re not his fucking mother! She is! So just let it go, taking care of him doesn’t make you more entitled to make decisions for him than his own fucking DNA.”

Y/N takes a step back, heart aching as she swallows thickly. She feels a lump forming in her throat and her eyes sore a bit as they glaze over a bit. She chooses to ignore the situation as a whole.

Shawn’s sorry, she can tell because he opens and closes his mouth, no words coming out of them. His hand, one of them being balled into a fist at his side, unballs and he reaches out to grab at her shoulder. Before he can, she turns on her heel, squatting down to talk to Eddie.

“Wanna go make some cookies?” A tear dribbles out of her eye and Eddie reaches out to swipe it away, worry on his features. He nods and the walk out of the door to the bedroom.

-

It’s been a day.

Shawn apologized to Y/N and she brushed it off, telling him it was fine before going about their morning routine to drop Eddie off at school. It wasn’t fine, and her heart was uncertain as it beat in her chest, but she didn’t want to cause trouble so she ignored it. After she finishes her last class, she pulls up to Eddie’s school to pick him up.

Approaching the front desk, she greets Mrs. Martha, a sweet old lady who Y/N recognizes as the teacher for children a year younger than Eddie.

“Hi, i’m here to pick up Eddie Mendes? Here’s my ID.”

She slides her card onto the desk, and the usual worker greets her, but leaves her card on the counter without even grabbing it.

“Y/N, some lady already picked him up.” She tells her. Y/N is confused for a moment, panicking because she wonders if he’s been taken somehow but then she calms down enough to ask a question.

“What lady?”

“Tall, really green eyes, kind of stuck up. She came in with a Gucci purse and refused to set it on the counter because it was ‘too dirty’, her name was Veronica.”

Y/N’s heart drops to the pit of her stomach, she had previously confirmed her picking up Eddie to him but he clearly hadn’t listened.

“I don’t think I put him on the pick up list?” She asks one more time.

“Yeah, his father called it in this afternoon. Shawn I think his name is?”

Defeatedly, and with a dozen of Eddie’s favorite donuts sitting in the passenger seat of her car, she walks out the door of the daycare and drives back to her own apartment that she hasn’t been in in a long time.

-

“Hey Shawn, uhm, it’s Y/N. I haven’t heard from you since Sunday but, Eddie’s school performance is today and I was wondering if you still wanted me to come. Yeah, that’s pretty much it. I’m sorry if I bothered you.”

And she hangs up the phone, the voice machine letting out a small beep as she clicks it off.

Y/N has a bouquet of white roses, Eddie’s favorite flower, in her passenger’s seat. She twists her key into the ignition, debating whether or not she should drive to the local theatre for his performance. She was sure Shawn would be there, and undoubtedly, so would Veronica.

“Fuck it.” Y/N mutters to herself, shifting the gear to drive as she pulls the car out of the parking garage and heads towards the theatre.

-

When Y/N walks in, the performance is just starting. Parents are standing around with their small kids, all conversing amongst each other. Y/N greets a few of the moms she’s grown close to, and greets some of the small children that she’s taken care of when they’ve come over for playdates.

Sifting through the crowd of people, she finally sports little Eddie talking to Carter, another little boy in their class.

“Eddie!” She calls out. His face lights up at the sight of her, but then it immediately falls as he looks in another direction. Y/N follows his gaze to see Shawn, laughing while his hands are stuck onto Veronica’s waist. Veronica spots Y/N staring at them, and immediately pushes forward to attach her lips to Shawn’s.

She sees Shawn pull back almost instantly, but she doesn’t have time to notice because she’s disappointed either way. She’s sad because his hands were on her waist, because Veronica picked up the boy she practically raised from his school, because she’s marched back into both of their lives as if nothing’s happened and Shawn’s done nothing to prevent it.

So she lets her tears dribble down her cheeks despite the people all around her, despite all of the parents she knows watching her and despite what they think of her she lets herself fall apart. She doesn’t think she’ll have to see any of them ever again.

The white roses she held in her hands drop to the floor, and she feels a pair of eyes snap over to her, widening when they see her. Shawn instantly walks over to her but she turns around to walk out of the doors of the theatre.

Eddie follows after her, the smart boy obviously seeing she’s distressed. He catches up to her and she leans over quickly to pick him up and heads to get some fresh air. She wanted to be there for Eddie, at least for one more night.

When they both make it outside, the cold air has their cheeks turning pink in the cool winter air.

Y/N sobs as she tucks her face into Eddie’s little puffy jacket, breathing in the scent of Shawn’s - and what she thought was also her - home. Her fists ball in and grasp the fabric of his winter coat and she’s sure people will think she’s absolutely insane. She hears the door open behind her.

“Y/N-”

“I was stupid, wasn’t I?” She asks, still staring out into the chilly Toronto night sky.

“Maybe that’s why you actually dated me.” Her voice breaks as she gasps for air through her sobs. Shawn feels his heart breaking, he’s aware whatever he says can’t fix it. He had just been so caught up in the idea of having a really family, but he’d forgotten the fact that he did have a family.

Veronica wasn’t Y/N. She was Eddie’s mother, yes, but she was still much too immature to take care of anyone but herself. It felt familiar, having her back, but it wasn’t right. She wasn’t nearly as amazing as Y/N was. And when she had kissed him, he’d immediately pulled back because he knew it wasn’t right.

But it was hard to tell Y/N that, given that he’d made the mistake of ignoring her for the past few days.

“I should’ve known. Was it because I looked desperate or because you knew I would drop anything for either of you?”

“Y/N.”

“Was it convenient? I mean you obviously needed someone to take care of him, was I just like a nanny that you didn’t have to pay for... or something like that?”

Eddie breathes into Y/N’s neck, and goosebumps rise up her neck. She places a kiss into his hair, inhaling the scent of his kids shampoo as she tries to stop her tears.

“It’s not like that, you know how much you mean to me.” Shawn frantically puts his words together, not even knowing where to start.

“How was I dumb enough to think I could replace his mother?” She scolds herself, because that’s how Y/N looked at it. She wasted her time and energy for something that he thought of as temporary, disposable.

“God, baby, please tell me you know how much you mean to me.” He begs her, his panic starting to pool tears in his own eyes. She still doesn’t look at him, her eyes focused on everything but him with her back turned to him.

“...Or to think I could mean anything to you at all.” She concludes. Behind her, she hears people starting to scutter into the auditorium through the thin glass doors and knows that their time is limited.

“Y/N, i’m sorry. Please talk to me, look at me. Please.” He pleads but she just turns around and places her hand on the handle of the door, teeth still clenched as she spots Veronica cluelessly roaming around the lobby and looking for Shawn.

She opens the door, a gust of warm air enveloping her, and she finally sets Eddie down onto the cheap flooring of the lobby. Eddie looks up at her, worry etched on his features that are so similar to Shawn’s that it makes her want to start crying again.

She hears footsteps stop right behind her, and she wishes he would just disappear.

“Are you okay mommy?” He asks her, brushing her hair out of her face with his tiny little palms.

“Eddie...I might not see you for a while after tonight. But I love you, just know that I love you so much, and that you always meant the most to me, okay?”

He nods, wrapping his stubby arms around her neck one last time. She closes her eyes, enjoying the moment before she lightly pushes him towards the door all the other little kids went through to get ready for their play.

She turns around, finally meeting Shawn’s gaze. His eyes are slightly red and she instantly turns towards the door before he grabs her wrist.

“I need you.” He tells her, and she shakes her head. “I love you.”

“You were right, Shawn.” She pathetically squeaks out, “I’m not his mother. I never will be.”

And in the lobby of the old, cheap community theatre, with a bouquet of twisted white roses lying on the floor, Shawn wonders if things will ever be okay again.