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misscammiedawn · 3 months ago

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Time Loops and Dissociation

CW: suicidal ideation, glitchy unreality, overt depictions of self-harm, parental abandonment

This essay contains full game spoilers for In Stars and Time.

You wake up to your alarm at the same time every day. The same view greets you from your window. Same sheets. Same outfits in your closet to get dressed in. Same choice of drinks in your kitchen to put in the same choice of cups. Same 24 hours but a different day. What better way to capture the existential horror of disconnecting from the world than to simply take away the words "but a different day" and make it the same 24 hours.

Time Loop fiction likes to capture the monotony of being caught in a rut. For some stories, like Groundhog Day, the rut could be that of not working on one’s self and accepting the eternal trappings of a never ending moment and not seeking change. For others, like Palm Springs, it is the conflict within a romantic relationship between one partner wishing to grow and find new experience while another wishes to remain in the safety of the known. Others still, like All You Need Is Kill, the conflict is a matter of maintaining one's optimism and drive in a hopeless fight against an antagonistic force that will crush their spirit upon the weight of eternity.

The constants in this genre are the forces of change and stagnation. Exit can be accomplished via self-improvement, it can be accomplished by having the bravery to risk leaving safety, it can be accomplished by killing every last time looping alien until you’re the only one left. But the allegories are always there. Tomorrow can only be attained by growing beyond Today. Change doesn’t happen in a day and as those stuck in a time loop know… a day can be an impossibly long time. And what does a person do during that impossibly long time? Repeating the same acts over and over again, where people become predictable and all the complexity of life has been stripped down until there’s nothing but cold empty and predictable monotony? You dissociate.

Dissociating is the experience of detaching from reality. Dissociation encompasses the feeling of daydreaming or being intensely focused, as well as the distressing experience of being disconnected from reality. In this state, consciousness, identity, memory, and perception are no longer naturally integrated. Dissociation often occurs as a result of stress or trauma, and it may be indicative of a dissociative disorder or other mental health condition.(*)

Every time loop story inevitably includes a segment where the pain of going around and around becomes simply too much to handle and the audience must witness the protagonist's mental health decline in real time. It is the moment in the story when they no longer feel able to connect with other humans, when they disconnect and just succumb to the weight of the eternity that they are trapped within. For most the idea of being stuck in a rut is a horrific thing. People are a social species. We seek connection and we seek change. We actively want to grow. But this is not true for everyone. Some are so scared and scarred by the world that they dare not ruin the safety that they have managed to find. Narrowing one's world down to avoid conflict and danger is a common feature in Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, particularly in those with a tendency to freeze in the face of their emotional triggers.

The flight-freeze type avoids potential relationship-retraumatization with an obsessivecompulsive/dissociative “two-step.” Step one is working to complete exhaustion. Step two is collapsing into extreme “veging out”, and waiting until [their] energy reaccumulates enough to relaunch into step one. The price for this type of no-longer-necessary safety is a severely narrowed existence. - (Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving - Pete Walker)

And that is the heart of any time loop. Safety at the price of a narrow existence.

For this essay I want to talk about a piece of media that masterfully manages the time loop dilemma while managing to depict a remarkably strong representation of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Today I want to talk about In Stars and Time. Because if I'm gonna highlight a time loop story for my essays on dissociative disorders then I'm going to do the one which has a "Press X to dissociate" mechanic.

In Stars and Time is an RPG Maker game in the stylings of Earthbound and Final Fantasy. The star of the play game is Siffrin (he/they), a silly little one who tells light-hearted puns and has their tongue stuck out in a :3 cat face smile.

As the thief type of the party he leads the group through dungeons to deactivate traps and find keys he can sometimes be bad at his job. They have managed to help the team get to the final dungeon and take on The King who has managed to freeze most of the nation of Vaugarde in time. Their adventuring friends are Mirabelle (she/her), the housemaiden; Isabeau (he/him), the fighter; Odile (she/her), the researcher; and Bonnie (they/them), the kid. Siffrin finds themselves trapped within a time loop. Reliving the same 2 day period as the party make their approach to The King and must defeat him to release Vaugarde from being eternally frozen in time. The game speaks frankly and kindly on many topics beyond mental health and trauma. Among the many rare and beautiful things it organically depicts it has an asexual and an aromantic discussing society's pressure to enter relationships and perform intimate acts, a trans masc discussing the destructive and yet necessary process of transitioning and two expats discussing how difficult it is to integrate their cultural roots (or lack thereof) with the values and expectations of the dominant culture of their new environment. Keep that last one in your back pocket for now. It'll be important for later. This is the last chance to check the game out unspoiled and so if anything I have said intrigues enough then please buy the game (Steam - Switch - Playstation 4 - Playstation 5 - GOG - Itch.io) and enjoy it. The game is about 20 hours at a casual pace (WR speedrun is 2.5 hours) and it has much in the way of hidden conversations and content that can help a person stick around and dig deep to find all the content in the game (but watch out). Go with my blessing and check DoesTheDogDie for content warnings if needed. For those who have played or want to read on into spoiler territory, then please forgive my long-windedness. I've too much time on my hands and have not cultivated the skills or talent to present this as a video for passive enjoyment. Let's begin. The game is split into 6 acts so in the interests of not bombarding with information. Shall we follow suit?

Act 1 - The Stage

The curtain rises and the play begins. Act 1 makes up the first loop from Siffrin's perspective. If not for the time loops then this would be a very short adventure. Siffrin wakes up from a nap in a field as they will every single loop from now on. They are in the final town before the enemy stronghold, one final day to rest and gather their strength and resolve to save the country. The group's leader, Mirabelle, has decided to have a sleepover. One final day, one final dungeon, one final fight... and then it's all over. The world will finally be saved. It'll all be over... Siffrin spends the day speaking to their friends, making a wish on the local Favor Tree to spend time with an ally after the adventure and then it's on to the adventure. Isabeau has something he wants to tell Siffrin but decides it can wait until they have saved the world. Entering the house and moving through the first few rooms all seems to be going well. The party of friends beat their first few enemies and Siffrin is sent to check for traps in a corridor leading into the main areas of the house. He checks and checks and checks and doesn't find anything so...

The trap is activated by feeling safe.

For clarity I wish to say much of the analysis and discussion is our personal read of the plot. Before writing this essay we reached out to insertdisc5 to ask about how they approached depicting mental illness in the game and they responded that it was not a matter of research as she was worried about checking off boxes rather than depicting authentic experience. Which makes it all the more impressive that the game was able to depict so many aspects of Complex PTSD so seamlessly. From Walker's book the primary symptoms of CPTSD are:

Emotional Flashbacks Tyrannical Inner &/or Outer Critic Toxic Shame Self-Abandonment Social anxiety Abject feelings of loneliness and abandonment Fragile Self-esteem Attachment disorder Developmental Arrests Relationship difficulties Radical mood vacillations Dissociation via distracting activities or mental processes Hair-triggered fight/flight response Oversensitivity to stressful situations Suicidal Ideation

Over the course of the game Siffrin displays many, if not all of these. One of the core conflicts of the game is Siffrin's feelings of loneliness and abandonment as well as their inner critic and toxic shame.

Another common trait of those with C-PTSD not referenced in the above list is a sensitive startle reflex. It is mentioned in the same book at a later point, however:

A startle response is the sudden full body-flinching that survivors experience at loud noises or unanticipated physical contact. This is usually a somatic flashback to previous abuses.

I bring this all up now because Siffrin's first death. The cause of the first loop. HIS FIRST FAILURE. Was because he let his guard down. He felt safe for even a moment. This is not a reading or something which can be brought up for debate. On floor two of the house there is a book that explains the traps and speaks of the boulder that landed on Siffrin's head earlier:

Throughout the entire adventure Siffrin will have the toxic and universe validated belief that if they ever drop their guard, even for a single moment they may die. This belief will only get worse as they progress, unfortunately. For those with Complex PTSD they walk through life in a state of hyper-vigilance. Never quite feeling safe. Siffrin died the moment he let his guard down. [Dawn here. This is turning out to be the longest Media, Myself and I article by a wide margin. For the sake of not destroying everyone's timelines I'll put the rest of the game under a readmore. I would so very much love it if you did click on, though.]

Act 2 - The Performance

The curtain rises and the play begins. Again. Much of Act 2 is spent trying to get to The King and defeat him. Mistakes such as forgetting a key on an earlier floor or taking a wrong path will cause Siffrin to need to loop back. All the while inwardly berating themselves for their carelessness, knowing that in a world without the time loops they would have been trapped and unable to challenge The King at all. We are also introduced to Loop, a star who watches over Siffrin during his journey. Loop is in the time loop with Siffrin and can follow his progress, offer advice and comment on everything. Loop is a little disaffected and likes to play things silly and coy and can be a little mean at times. But they say they're here to help Siffrin. As the adventuring friends climb to the final boss we get to see Siffrin's rapport with the party. Siffrin likes to stay on the sidelines and listen in to other people having animated conversation. Everyone is nervous to touch him having universally come to an understanding that Siffrin does not like to be touched. They make fun of Siffrin's poor memory (another common trait of those with dissociative disorders that we will talk about more in time) and they treat one another warmly. However during a bit of banter in a snack break...

(source: ISAT Script Project) Note that Siffrin internalizes the comment "we're not friends." instantly. From this point of the game until a latter moment all times that Siffrin's monologue refers to his party the word "friends" is replaced with "allies". They are so sensitive to abandonment and rejection that the they simply accept Odile's words, not even aimed at Siffrin themselves and internalizes them deep enough that the HUD of the game itself changes to accommodate this belief. It was mentioned at the start that Siffrin is a silly traveler who enjoys puns and makes light of most situations. In battles the game uses a Rock, Paper, Scissors weapon triangle and all of Siffrin's attack names are puns. In the profile menu he sticks his tongue out. His battle image is a playfully confident smirk.

During the game we always have access to Siffrin's inner monologue and can tell how they interpret the world around them but they seldom ever voice their opinions. This allows us to see how often they are convincingly laughing on the outside while hurting on the inside. Siffrin, unable and unwilling to approach their shame and self-loathing and terrified of becoming a burden to their friends allies will deflect whenever he sense that they are hurting.

A person (or dissociative part) may avoid being aware of inner experiences such as feelings or thoughts that might evoke shame. Thus, he or she is not aware of the experience of shame, typically does not acknowledge the negative experience of self, engages in denial, and attempts to distract self and others away from the painful feeling. For example, a person who felt ashamed in therapy might start making jokes or flippantly comment that the session is boring or useless, or he or she might try to change the subject entirely or even switch to another part that has a different agenda. The experience becomes neutral or positive; shame may be disowned or denied, or overridden with joy or excitement in distracting activities (joking around, talking about something else). There is little to no awareness of shame or one’s shameful actions, faults, or characteristics. The motivation is to minimize the conscious experience of shame or to prove that one does not feel shame. - (Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation - Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele, Onno van der Hart)

The other key thing we have come to learn about how others perceive Siffrin is their memory issues. Memory issues are a constant part of dissociative disorders with a lack of childhood memories being a key feature in Complex Dissociative Disorders such as Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder. If I am being honest about my motivations for writing this essay, while playing it I keyed in on the lack of memories early and assumed it to be an allegory for such trauma. Even made a Tumblr post stating this. On the top floor of the house of change in a secret room and only during Act 2 there is a bit of dialogue where Siffrin speaks about their childhood.

This was the moment we knew we needed to write about this game. What is missing from the text above is that when Siffrin stammers on their words there is a time loop effect. The first one in the game that is activated by something other than a death or the natural end of the loop. Siffrin edits out this conversation so that not even he can remember it.

Amnesia goes far beyond normal forgetfulness. It involves serious memory problems that are not caused by illness or extreme fatigue, by alcohol or other mind-altering substances, or normal forgetting. Amnesia falls on a continuum. People with a dissociative disorder may recall some aspects of an event but not other essential parts of it. In some cases all memory for certain events is unavailable for conscious recall. Some people with a dissociative disorder describe their memory as being like “Swiss cheese holes,” “foggy,” or “full of black holes.” They may suspect that something happened, or may have even been told by others that something happened to them, but have no personal recollection of events and often feel afraid to think about them. People may have amnesia for longer periods of time during which normal life events took place, for example, a person may report being unable to remember anything from the fifth grade, or from ages 9–12. - (Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation - Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele, Onno van der Hart)

Instinctive use of time travel to edit out parts of a conversation that a perspective character does not wish to accept or confront is a fantastic allegory for how dissociative symptoms manifest. When a person or dissociative part stumbles too close to a severe trauma trigger. To speak from personal experience it is a moment where in a conversation a question comes up and the answer feels wrong in your mouth. Like you just lied. But you know you didn't intend to lie... so of course you interrogate the piece of information and the wall of confusion that hits can make a person feel truly powerless. Like you're not even certain of what you are saying anymore and a mixture of shame and fear flood in and tell you to stop talking, stop lying, stop exaggerating, stop speaking, stop, stop, STOP. Poor Siffrin shouldn't have their memory made fun of. But... his friends allies don't know. Do they? How could they? Siffrin doesn't speak up and when he does it tends to be a showy performance of being light hearted and silly so no one can see how hurt he is. Because if he does try to be honest... well. You saw what happened when they tried to open up. Through hard work and persistence the allies loop enough times to gain the knowledge and strength to win against The King. The King's first attack will force the allies to see a vision of the future and without a special magic shield will kill them in a single strike. Siffrin stays determined and prepares his allies. Helps them become stronger. Helps them win. The world is saved. Everyone in Vaugarde is released from the time freezing spell... But something's wrong... Siffrin is given a chance to talk to everyone as they all happily speak about what they'll do now that the country is saved but no matter what happens. Isabeau attempts to confess the thing that he wished to tell Siffrin if they won but is interrupted before he can get the words out, much to Siffrin's annoyance. The world is safe. All is well. It shall return to normal soon enough... only thing to do is speak with the head housemaiden and accept the praise and thanks for all the hard effort in saving Vaugarde... Then world starts to fall apart and... The second act comes to an abrupt close.

Act 3 - Family and Culture

The curtain rises and the play begins continues. The loop begins with Siffrin back at the start, even though the day was saved. Simply killing The King must not be enough. There must be a reason that the loops are continuing, even after Vaugarde is saved. The only way to understand is to find out more about why The King is able to freeze the country in time and if it has anything to do with why Siffrin can loop back. Speaking with Loop, Siffrin recognizes that as long as there are ideas and leads to explore then giving up is not going to happen. Loop seems reluctant to encourage Siffrin to continue, in fact Loop seems doesn't appear surprised by the time loop continuing at all. Loop is an interesting character and deserves an article unto themselves. We should focus on Siffrin right now.

Their first order of business is to attempt the Golden End exit route. It worked for Bill Murray, why not in this situation? Simply work out a way to make everyone have a perfect loop. Saving the world isn't enough. Siffrin can solve everyone's problems. Here we learn that Bonnie, the kid, harbors a deep well of shame for allowing Siffrin to be blinded in an eye while protecting them earlier in the adventure, before the loops. Siffrin, true to their dissociative nature, did not even remember the event. Siffrin also spends quality time with the adults in the party. Always hoping Isabeau would be brave enough to confess this loop. On this journey up the house of change the team are closer and more caring. No one makes fun of Siffrin for bumping into the counter. Siffrin discovers that the other party members have noticed his breathing exercises. Very helpful for those with dissociative disorders, by the way. They ground the body and allow one to ease somatic symptoms by soothing the nervous system and preventing activated sensations worsening symptoms. As they get closer to The King the warm and familial banter continues with Odile using the word 'friend' out loud. A guarded Siffrin allows themselves to confront Odile on saying that they were not friends (something she did not even say this "Golden" loop) and through an awkward but kind conversation she confesses she, a Too Old For This lady cannot feel comfortable calling a group of people with a pre-teen "friends" but she can perhaps call them "Family" The menu updates. Siffrin's Allies are now Sif's Family Members. This remains true in all the menus no matter what happens in any loop. But in this moment, there is a golden ending. There is joy. Though Isabeau is unwilling to discuss his confession when Sif is feeling vulnerable. They need to have a Feely-Feels talk. Sif hates the idea of a Feely-Feels talk. Yet, even still... In this moment Sif is loved.

Many people with Complex PTSD have attachment wounds from their family of origin. The concept of a found family is common among survivors, particularly in those who choose to go Non-Contact with the family of origin. Others, like Sif, have lost their family to tragedy and simply have no roots to return to. The role of a chosen family is vital in the healing journey. Survivors can become aggressively attached to those who they view as chosen family and are often activated by the concept of another loss. The wounds of losing one family enough to have massive impact on how the survivor handles relationships going forward. It is why unstable relationships is listed as a symptom of CPTSD and why there is such a big overlap of CPTSD and BPD diagnosis.

There’s no way around the fact that on the journey to finding your chosen family, you will get hurt. People you thought would be there for you will abandon you, people will decide they no longer have the emotional capacity to hold space for you, and… people who made promises to be by your side will betray those promises. That’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just life. Not everyone belongs on our journeys, but… when you find the right people, don’t let go of them. Nurture the relationships, reciprocate the support, and above all, respect the myriad of ways that people can and will show up for you. - (The Role of ‘Chosen Family' in Trauma Recovery - Monika Sudakov)

Sif is desperately attached to the Family Members that they travel with. In many ways the only reason they can endure the time loops is to protect them. Any time there is a prompt which threatens these relationships Sif's monologue insists that they will not abandon the script that ensures their safety and happiness. Yet despite all this power of love and Family, the loops continue. Which is fine. Golden Ending was a long shot anyway. Clearly it has to be related to The King and it's power to stop time. It seems to know the mysterious art of Time Craft. Talking to The King will help. The answers are still attainable and now Sif has a Family. To get the information required to learn about Time Craft and The King one must interact with as many books and items in the house of change as possible. In doing so we learn more about Sif and their history. By this point in the story the concept of croissants has come up a number of times for the party. In the opening town Sif has the option of buying one from a bakery and gives an uncharacteristic scowl. When they are spotted in the house Sif tends to duck out of conversations, not caring to listen to people talk about the pastry he loathes so desperately. He jokes about it and obfuscates but Sif hates croissants. With a burning passion. There is literally a food that can kill him in the game (he is allergic to pineapple and can die on a banana plantain peel) but his ire always turns towards croissants. Croissants are an emotional trigger for Sif. They harbored such a deep hatred of croissants that when, in Act 4, he is pressured to tell everyone what he wished for at the start of the game he says that they wished for croissants to disappear forever. Sif's reactivated trauma is related to croissants. Up until now he had been living his life blissfully unaware of his dissociated experiences and yet a croissant cracked the amnesia barriers that kept him safe and now each time he sees them they cannot help but be reminded of "The Incident". By examining the Silver coin in their inventory a number of times one can see "The Incident", a moment that happened days before the plot began which informs Sif's entire emotional state throughout the game...

(source: ISAT Script Project) Note the time skip at the tail end of that sequence. Sif was thinking too heavily about the trauma again and skipped time to avoid thinking about it. Dissociative barriers. He literally cannot think about it. The universe won't let him. Sif's home isn't there anymore. In the canon of the game where reality can be rewritten on the whim of a wish, the country that Sif comes from was wiped off of the map and all knowledge and memory of it has been erased, even from those who lived there. Sif's trauma is that he lost his home. His family. Everything and everyone that he ever knew. Through traveling with his family members he has gained a slither of the emotion, comfort, connection and safety that he lost and in being reminded of all that he lost so close to the end of their journey he was reminded he can and will lose it all again and the thought is too terrifying to process. This is the core conflict in Sif's heart for the entire game. The more they interact with memories of the destruction of his homeland the more keenly aware he becomes of the fact that the quest will end and his family will go their separate ways and abandon him. They have no home to return to when this is all done. CPTSD is not currently recognized by the DSM-5. An official diagnostic description can only be found within the ICD-11. On the ICD-11 page for Complex-PTSD there is a specific segment for "Culture Related Features" that reads:

Cultural variation exists in the expression of symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. For example, somatic or dissociative symptoms may be more prominent in certain groups attributable to cultural interpretations of the psychological, physiological, and spiritual etiology of these symptoms and of high levels of arousal.

Given the severe, prolonged, or recurrent nature of the traumatic events that precipitate Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, collective suffering and the destruction of social bonds, networks and communities may present as a focal concern or as important related features of the disorder.

For migrant communities, especially refugees or asylum seekers, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder may be exacerbated by acculturative stressors and the social environment in the host country. - (ICD-11 for Mortality and Morbidity Statistics)

We do not learn much of Sif's culture of origin but we know that they were in tune with The Universe, that they had spiritual aspects that allowed them to use Wish Craft and follow when fate leads. Act 3 is an info gathering quest on The King's motivations and we discover that King and Sif both hail from the same country and have lost all their social bonds, networks and communities and cannot even recreate the specifics of their culture. It has literally been erased. No culprit is ever named for this atrocity but from Act 3 onwards Sif mourns this lack of roots and via the power of the magic that prevents anyone from remembering the country they cannot mention this tragedy to anyone. Though Odile is able to infer it. Odile is also an immigrant to Vaugarde, her mother was from Vaugarde and her father from Ka Bue. Her mother abandoned her and Odile's quest in Vaugarde is to find parts of her history within the foreign land and fill in the parts of her soul that she feels are incomplete from the lack of her mother's presence and history in her life. In Act 3 the two bond over it as part of Odile's "friendquest", in Act 4 and beyond Sif's inner monologue seethes with bitterness and envy for Odile having connections. The initial connection of them both being foreigners in an accepting land caves to the pain of loss that consumes Siffrin whole.

(source: ISAT Script Project) What's worse is that some of the things that the family members joke at Sif about for being too forgetful to know the words "Kiln" "Pottery Wheel" or "Stuffed Animal" (though they do remember on some loops) become less about silly forgetful Sif letting incidental information slide out of their dissociative mind. It becomes making fun of a person speaking a second language and not having complete mastery over it. By Act 5 Sif has no patience for the playful jabs because they happen every single loop and they hurt. Minimizing is a lot harder in a time loop. Every small moment of tiny pain repeats again and again. Every time Sif bumps their hip on a counter the party laugh at him. Well... except for the time he screamed at them for it... or the time he collapsed into a defeated pile on the floor on the verge of tears. Heaven help me if bumping into a counter hasn't been the last straw to break my facade when the weight is too much to carry. Poor Sif... As Sif learns more about Time Craft and the country that both he and The King come from, Sif starts to gain an understanding of The King's motivations. After losing one country he couldn't bear to risk losing another home. Vaugarde was so kind to him and took him in and he wants it to remain perfect and safe forever. Frozen in time like a photograph. Now that Sif has come to recognize how important his Family Members are to him, they understand. To have people you love and consider Family is so important and the idea of losing that is simply unspeakable. It is a fate worse than the time loops. By now Sif has done the Golden Ending a time or two...

He understands why The King would do this. The final loop of Act 3 allows Sif to attempt to convince The King not to fight. The pair have attempted to bond over their roots, they have tried to force The Universe to allow them to speak the name of their nation (but it refused to be said) and now Sif wants to try and use understanding. The King agrees. He stops the fight. Asks Sif to come to his side and... Then he freezes the Family Members in time. He understands now that Sif is using Wish Craft to fight him and he cannot win on traditional terms so he decides to carve it into Sif's memory, a reminder of what happens if he continues defying The King's will. He picks up poor little pre-teen BonBon... and FORCES SIFFRIN TO WATCH AS HE CRU-

Act 4 - Shame Spiral

The curtain rises. The play begins continues. And Sif is not okay. They witnessed the game break the well established rule that the kid was not able to be hurt. Even in runs where you lose to The King Bonnie always gets away. The Family will always go out of their way to ensure The Kid survives. It's happened so many times by now one doesn't even think to question it... And the player had to watch. There is no avoiding that event. Sif will lower their guard to speak with The King and offer compassion and trust to someone they thought of as a kindred spirit and no sooner had they laid down their arms for a moment they were punished for it. Brutally. It's the rock again. Feel safe, even for a moment, and it comes crashing down to crush with full weight... only this time it's not the Sif taking the hit. Sif can take all the hits in the world. It was BONNIE. Someone else was crushed because Sif trusted. From this moment on Sif's intrusive thoughts become louder and meaner. Look above at the conversation with Odile about her roots and notice the changes between Act 3's inner monologue and Act 4's. By this point in the story Sif is losing track of how many loops they have gone through. Unless you keep your Memory of Self equipped you will find that any time you loop forwards or backwards the loop counter will jump up by leaps. Sif is so numb to the cycle by now that they're just dissociating through iterations of the time loop. Other times he 'blacks out' bits of time include sleeping at the clocktower. We learn that he never ever sleeps at the tower. He just blacks out and comes to at the house ready for the next run. All Sif can remember is what the player sees. But stuff does happen besides that which we see. It's not just the amount of time that Sif has been in the loops that is causing this degradation of mental health, though. It's the continuous activation taking a toll. When a person is continiously hyperaroused they become disaffected, chronically dissociated and begin experiencing somatic symptoms. Headache, stomach ache, exhaustion with no ability to sleep, hunger without ability to eat. At this point of the story Sif is constantly hungry and is not sleeping at all. The primary cause for this is the attachment trauma being continuously triggered. Where in early acts it was a matter of worry over losing his new family while being reminded constantly of losing his old one, now he is reminded of allowing his family to die because of his actions. The shame spiral claims him and his emotions become wild, even if he is not able to express them outwardly. This level of emotional sensitivity is a primary symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. The similarities between CPTSD and BPD are enough that much of the discussion around the potential for including CPTSD in the next revision of the DSM centers around whether it should replace or be combined with BPD. The Foundation for CPTSD writes on the topic:

At one-time, complex post-traumatic stress disorder was proposed as an alternate form of borderline personality disorder because of the shared link to severe childhood trauma. The jury is still out to recognize CPTSD as a diagnosis in the DSM, but it is believed that the symptoms and causes of BPD and CPTSD overlap substantially, but it is not warranted to replace one diagnosis with the other or conceptualize CPTSD as a subtype of BPD. Borderline personality disorder and complex post-traumatic stress disorder are commonly found together, with between 25% and 60% of people living with BPD also having CPTSD. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is listed in the 11th edition of the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11), and this has spurred research differentiating the two disorders. Evidence suggests that CPTSD and BPD may represent a continuum of the stress response, and both seem to have a component of dissociation involved. The most significant difference between the two diagnoses is when they form. CPTSD typically forms in early childhood, while BPD forms during early adolescence. Having both CPTSD and BPD makes life difficult, to say the least. - (CPTSD Foundation)

BPD is a personality disorder categorized by attachment wounds. Part of the diagnostic criteria includes "Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, whether it is accurate or not, by family and friends" It is safe to say Sif feels this way about their family. They lost their entire home, their history, their family of origin. They cannot conceive of losing the family that they have gained. The concept is simply too painful for them to consider and so emotional and dissociative barriers force away anything which could potentially bring the topic of losing them to mind. Heaven knows we can understand the impulse... But since being directly responsible for failing the promise they made to protect Bonnie this is no longer a matter of fear of the unknown, it is shame in having failed to keep a promise to protect. This shame grows and cripples Sif's emotional regulation, leaving them prone to volatile outbursts of their repressed rage. Either forcing it inwards on the self or outwards on others.

When you feel chronic shame, you believe that no amount of punishment or corrective actions would be sufficient, and you are unable to forgive yourself or have any empathy for the terrible suffering shame brings to you. It is as though chronically ashamed people have received a life sentence of shame with no hope of parole, even when they are unsure of exactly why they are bad. In fact, some people will say there is no particular reason they are bad and unworthy: The mere fact that they exist and take up space on the earth is shameful enough. They believe they are not worthy of living and do not deserve anything good. In such cases, shame is an emotion of hiding: The last thing an ashamed person wants is to be open, vulnerable, and seen by others. Thus, it is an emotion that often is not addressed sufficiently in therapy, even though it is a major impediment to healing. - (Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation - Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele, Onno van der Hart)

Act 4 is about learning the origins of the Wish Craft that rewrites the universe and allows for Sif to use Time Craft. We learn that any time they are upset they will instinctively rewrite history to prevent the things that they fear from coming to pass. This includes moments when their anger gets away from them and they lash out at their family. Some optional scenes include forcing Isabeau into a kiss or screaming at Odile when she knows too much and tries to help Siffrin. Any time these outbursts happen time rewinds and only Siffrin is left with the knowledge that they happen, deepening the growing well of shame. All the while Sif feels more hollow in the interactions he has with his Family. In forcing them to be their best selves via the "Friendquest" events every loop he starts feeling like he is manipulating them. Where he felt loved the first few times he now accuses himself of forcing them to love him.

To the degree that our caretakers attack or abandon us for showing vulnerability, to that degree do we later avoid the authentic self-expression that is fundamental to intimacy. The outer critic forms to remind us that everyone else is surely as dangerous as our original caretakers. Subliminal memories of being scorned for seeking our parents’ support then short-circuit our inclinations to share our troubles and ask for help. Even worse, retaliation fantasies can plague us for hours and days on the occasions when we do show our vulnerabilities. I once experienced this after being very honest and vulnerable in a job interview with a committee of eight. Over the next three insomnia-plagued nights, my outer critic ran non-stop films featuring my interviewers’ contempt about everything I had said, and disgust about all that I had left out. Even after they subsequently and enthusiastically hired me, the outer critic plagued me with “imposter syndrome” fantasies of eventually being exposed as incompetent in the new job. - (Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving - Pete Walker)

It doesn't matter. Sif tries everything. Learns all the things that they can learn. Explores all the hidden areas of the house of change. Nothing matters. It's hopeless.

And with each loop The King's attack shows Sif a vision of the future. What do they see? Endless looping or... does Sif see the future beyond the loops? After the party return to their various homes? Act 4 ends with The Head Housemaiden, the only one who could have potentially held answers telling Sif outright that there was no escape... Before the loop begins anew.

Act 5 - Curtains

[Hello there. It's me, Dawn. I'm pausing the essay and dropping the cute little play structure to reiterate the Content Warnings from the start of the post. During Act 5 there are options to commit self-harm that a player may stumble across unintentionally. During previous acts one has to work exceptionally hard and against the game and characters within it to unlock a means of self-harm and it is unambiguously seen as a bad thing. In Act 5 there are no external forces to comment on Siffrin's actions.] The curtain rises. No point in wasting time. Get the actors. Make them strong. Beat the king. Do it right this time. Unfortunately our star has lost all of the mental fortitude they had. They were so strong for so long but there is only so much a person can take before they let the anger win. It is all too common for people with significant trauma to harbor resentment and anger in their soul. It sometimes remains repressed under layers of emotion numbing dissociation, it sometimes turns inwards into self-destructive acts and viewpoints and it sometimes turns outwards into explosive acts of physical or emotional violence. But it's there... lurking within the injustice of all the pain a person has felt.

When you have experienced a trauma, anger often becomes the central emotion that you feel. Angry thoughts about revenge may consume you. According to Enright and Fitzgibbons (2000), your anger is more destructive if you focus it on another person or people; it is intense, even in the short term; it leads to a learned pattern of annoyance, irritation, or frustration with others who are not the source of your anger; it is extremely passive; it is extremely hostile; or it is developmentally appropriate for someone much younger than your actual age (e.g., you act like a two-year-old and have a temper tantrum). - (The PTSD Workbook Mary Beth Williams)

and so... with the 5th act of our play about to begin, the star wakes in a familiar meadow for what may be the hundredth time... and they simply cannot take it anymore.

The actor on stage has reached Rock Bottom and likely unlocked the skill Rock Bottom to go with it, though they are beyond the silly puns now. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Breathe or Heal. Just get to The King. Just kill it. One. Last. Time. The GIF above starts with the line "YOU WANT YOUR FAMILY BACK!!! NOT THE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS THAT HAVE TAKEN THEIR PLACE!!!" Up until now we have only spoken about dissociation in terms of zoning out or blocking out memory. I now want to talk about Derealization and Depersonalization. DPDR has been a subject of other Media, Myself and I essays, most notably our discussion on Night in the Woods. To be brief about it for this essay Depersonalization is a detatchment from one's sense of self and Derealization is a detatchment from reality. Our star has become so disillusioned with the endless looping that they no longer view their surroundings as real. The people in their life are just actors in a play that they are directing. Everyone says their lines. Even the star must say their lines. But there's still some stage direction. Some purpose that our hero must fulfill. They know that there is a chance if they can just kill the king without Mirabelle landing the final shot. Then. Maybe... In their disaffected state and unable to convincingly perform their lines in the play, our star manages to upset everyone else on stage causing them to doubt if it would be safe and productive to continue traveling with such a horrible disgusting unreliable stupid person. This causes the final act to be a solo performance. One final walk through the house without friends allies family actors to help. At the clocktower the other actors talk about our star and are uncertain if they can trust them any longer. Our star reacts by rejecting them entirely and going it alone. There is a concept in BPD called Splitting in which a person devalues or exaggerates the value of an individual in their compromised emotional state. It can cost a person relationships if they act out of these temporary emotions. At the start of Act 5 the actor manages to scream at the kid for getting in danger, calls the fighter a coward and mocks the researcher for her mother abandoning her. The individual, so desperate to shield their wounded heart, pushes the people they love away because their proximity is too close to their open wounds and they push away to maintain space. This is particularly true in those who struggle to create healthy emotional boundaries. This game is such a god damned call out at times. As the actor climbs the house everything is broken. The universe itself is trying to maintain the reality of two wishes that it needs to make a reality. "Save Vaugarde" and the one the main character wished for in Act 1. Do you remember what it was? The Universe cannot allow Siffrin to remain with their Family Members if they run off alone and reject them. The Universe simply cannot accomodate such a reality. Everything is falling apart. What proceeds is the ISAT equivalent of a Genocide Run in Undertale. Everything is broken and wrong. Rooms are breaking the collision boundaries of a video game, textures are cut wrong, doors lead to the wrong location, time is looping without rhyme or reason. And the menu is blunt. You cannot change your equipment, now stuck with Memory of Emptiness with the description (Nothing comes to mind, hahahahaha!) Some rooms contain hallucinations that make our star feel more abandoned and empty and mournful of their situation. In rooms where they would normally receive a modicum of physical comfort brushing against the other actors there is nothing now.

(Aaaaaaah…) (You rub your arms once, twice, thrice.) (Your throat tightens) (You feel like you're floating in your own body.) (If only someone would touch you to make sure you're real! Someone, anyone!)

This is an example of extreme depersonalization. Also the garden has a table with 4 healthy plants and 1 dying plant to the side. Our star notices it and it acts as a visual indicator of the barriers between the director and their actors. Some of the other rooms on the Act 5 climb depict overt self-harm...

It can be understood as a substitute action for more adaptive coping that attempts to deal with a variety of overwhelming problems, many involving too much feeling (for example, loneliness, abandonment, panic, inner conflicts, traumatic memories) or too little feeling (numbness, depersonalization, emptiness, feeling dead). Self-harm is thus often related to the need for regulation skills, that is, finding ways to modulate and tolerate unbearable inner experiences, such as painful emotions, or traumatic memories (Gratz & Walsh, 2009; Miller, 1994). Some people harm themselves in secret and carefully hide the inflicted wounds from others. Other people harm their bodies in places that are visible to people around them. (Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation - Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele, Onno van der Hart)

The shame only increases upon doing these optional (but distressingly unprovoked) actions. Honestly, if I had one criticism of the game and its depiction of mental health it is that there is no way to know that looking at the cupboard with the eye patch conversation would cause a self-destructive action. As someone with extreme sensitivity to depictions of suicide and self-harm I felt that having no agency or warning over that (I had no reason to assume this would happen. Any other form of self-harm requires selecting a menu option. This one jumps out at a player unexpected) was... unfair. It is noted in monologue that breathing exercises no longer work by this point of the narrative and due to not being at the clocktower our star is proceeding with no food and no sleep. Their already bottomed out mental and emotional state is in sore need of external intervention. Something the actor both desires and rejects in equal measure. Upon finding and fighting The King our hero is frozen in time and locked in a dream. Placed face to face with their worst fears and worries of how their actors Family would perceive them.

(source: ISAT Script Project)

After the screen stops being blurry and the player wipes the wet spots off of their Nintendo Switch. The fear of being perceived. The fear of being seen as manipulative. Being seen as insincere. Being seen as lazy or too afraid to change. Callous. Aimless. Manipulative. So many survivors have these negative scripts and inner critics. Caught in their cycles. Their own little loops. But there's still hope. Family. The chance to be vulnerable. The game concludes with Sif's Family saving him from The King. But even though The King's spell is broken and the people of Vaugarde are unfrozen the sky has a giant red crack in it. Sif's wish is still tearing the world apart. Realizing that when the quest is over everyone will go home Sif has their temper tantrum, becoming the final boss in which every move is a choice to either lash out at the party or lash out at themselves. A boss mechanic version of the final embers of a violent extinction burst. That is to say a person who does not have control over their ability to maintain a sustained behavior will lash out and attempt to assert control in order to prevent losing the conditioned routine.

An extinction burst is characterized by a temporary increase in the frequency, intensity, or duration of behavior being extinguished through operant conditioning. This phenomenon occurs when the reinforcement for a previously learned behavior is removed, leading to an initial escalation of the behavior before it decreases and eventually ceases. While not all instances of extinction involve such bursts, they are observed in some cases, particularly during the treatment of problematic behaviors. Extinction bursts can complicate the treatment of behavioral disorders, as they may temporarily increase undesired behaviors like aggression or self-injury, making it challenging to assess the effectiveness of interventions. (*)

In this case Sif is lashing out because he has no way of preventing his Family from going back to their lives. It's a destructive and unhealthy mechanism. The fight ends with everyone refusing to let Sif run away or hide anymore. He is forced to admit that his wish was to stay with everyone. That he didn't want the family to go away. He opens himself up to the vulnerability of being seen of being understood and yes, even potentially rejected. The Family agree to travel together at least long enough to get Bonnie back to their sister. But there are no guarantees what happens beyond there. There is love. There is acceptance. There is honesty. There are no more time loops. Maybe now, finally... there can be change. Growth. Tomorrow.

In time loop fiction everything eventually loses meaning. There are no permanent consequences, no external pressures, nothing inherent to strive for, no meaning but what the protagonist(s) give themselves. The option to just accept things and remain is always there as Andy Samberg's character in Palm Springs does. The option to never stop trying to escape is there for those like Keiji in All You Need Is Kill.

The brilliance of In Stars and Time is that there are two wishes that are influencing the universe. The wish of the people to save Vaugarde from being frozen in time and Siffrin's wish to remain with his family. Change and Stagnation. That's what it always comes down to in these time loop stories and the conflict in this game is that those two forces are playing against one another. The only outcome was to give up on one or the other. As we'll learn in Act 6 there is no reality where Siffrin gets to stay with all 4 party members. They will have to separate at some point. Accepting change is accepting that things can and will and do end and life will go on and you have to be okay with it. Many of our essays have focused on representation that includes a healing journey from Ange Ushiromiya accepting the circumstances of her tragic past to Elliot Alderson's 4 season long representation of trauma therapy for dissociative clients. I think the thing I love about In Stars and Time is that it's the long and arduous process of a chronically traumatized individual asking for help. It's the first step on the healing journey. Acceptance. Siffrin spent the entire game in denial and rejection, making jokes and pushing things aside. Our long and hard journey was just getting to the point where they were able to recognize and admit it. And I really hope that Sif and their family members will be okay. I wished on my leaf for Sif to see Ka Bue with Odile. I hope they get to go. But as insertdisc5 says when asking any questions about what happens next "it's your turn" -

Stars that was a long one. Thank you for sticking with me if you read the whole thing. We like to write these essays as a matter of helping our study on dissociation (we, ourselves, are a DID patient and reading and comprehending this material is essential to our recovery and treatment) and providing a little insight to bits of media that are positive examples of what we go through. If you enjoyed always feel free to leave an ask or leave some silly tags. I never care if I get a flop post as writing is its own reward but the encouragement is good for my ego <3

Special thanks to @insertdisc5 for answering when I reached out for comment on the writing of this essay. The reply was helpful and encouraged us to take our time and write this with extra care. (In Stars and Time can be found on Steam, Itch, GOG, Nintendo Store and Playstation Store. The Prologue Game can be found on Steam and the Start Again comic on insertdisc5’s website) Media, Myself and I is a series of Tumblr Essays for positive depictions of dissociative disorders. Other essays include: A History of Murder Alters Discworld and Plurality Incidental, intentional and accidental representation Gender, Dissociation and Clinical Stigma in The Third Person Recontextualized Memories in Umineko Derealization in Night in the Woods and Metal Gear Solid The Dangers of Hypnotic Personality Play in Penlight System Origins in The Incredible Hulk Relationships with Systems in The Incredible Hulk The Healing Journey in Mr. Robot

...wait... what happened to Act 6?

I did say Loop deserved their own essay, didn't I?

#dawn posting #say the line siffrin #media myself and I #watch me post my trauma in public #cptsd #bpd #let's do the time loop again #in stars and time #siffrin #odile #isabeau #bonnie #mirabelle #isat #isat spoilers #time loop

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swanpyart · 9 months ago

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Prepare For My Most Deranged Slay The Princess Theory That Makes Sense The More You Think About It - The Narrator IS Another Voice

I'm a bit jumbled so bear with me, but I realized a lot of odd things that give me the idea that the Narrator is actually another Voice and another facet of the Long Quiet.

The game goes out of its way to make it clear that the Narrator is different from the Voices; he has a degree of power over the Player that the other Voices initially lack, he has info about the world that the Player does not, and his authoritative nature puts him (and us by default) in opposition with the Princess. Because of this, none of the other Voices treat him as an equal or even as a friend: They are all either opposed to him, treat him as someone who can be listened to but ultimately ignored, or outright dismiss him. In the Thorn Route, Hero even points out that the Narrator "doesn't count" as one of them.

Another difference is that the Narrator never learns new info from previous chapters; we essentially get a new Narrator each one, while literally EVERYONE else remembers what happened before. This alone feels like the game pointing out the disconnect between the Narrator and the rest of the Long Quiet.

Now, for what my theory hinges upon.... the Start Over Ending, where the Princess wipes the Long Quiet's memories and causes the entire game to start over from scratch. The interesting part of this is that both the Long Quiet AND the Princess remark that there's a chance that they'd done this before, possibly countless times, because they were unable to make a permanent decision the previous times.

If this is actually true, and the Long Quiet and the Shifting Mound have been in this perpetual cycle of the Long Quiet finding five vessels, the Narrator's Echo fading away, both gods realizing their true natures but being unable to compromise, and the Princess wiping both of their memories and forcing a restart.... then what becomes of the Narrator? How does he come back for things to restart?

"Well, obviously he's resurrected," You might say, but we're not given any reason to believe that the Long Quiet can resurrect an actual mortal person, right? The entire point of the game is the inevitability of death, and that "even in rebirth, things can't be the same." Not only that, Nary is an Echo, not an actual person, so his presence as a living being is one that's even more precarious than an actual human life; focusing too much on him makes him fade away. The Long Quiet and the Princess can come back from death, but those two are literally GODS.

So, my main theory is this: The Narrator we hear throughout the game is no longer the Narrator the Long Quiet may have originally started with in the VERY first loop with the Shifting Mound, right after the Creator killed himself and split the Gods in half. The original Narrator is actually long dead, along with his original Echos, and now he is merely another Voice of the Long Quiet assuming His role. Perhaps at one point, the Narrator was actually a person who wanted to rid the world of death, and created an Echo of himself to do it, but the Echo of that human has long since faded away, only to be replaced by the Long Quiet to maintain the illusion of the loop.

In this light, it's entirely possible that every version of the Narrator and the Creator we meet is merely an extension of the Long Quiet playing the role of an omniscient storyteller. This could be part of why the Narrator struggles to answer in-depth questions, and why the Creator never goes into detail about his true identity as a human. The Long Quiet doesn't actually know much about the one who created him, and gives the same recycled lines he heard long ago from the voice of a long-dead man.

So, why does the Narrator never remember previous Chapters? That's his role. Every Voice has specific skills and abilities, and the Narrator's role, as a Voice, is to maintain a status quo. With no storyteller, there is no path in the woods, there is no cabin, there is no Pristine Blade, and there is no basement. There's no vehicle through which the Long Quiet and the Shifting Mound can reach an agreement of some kind.

The irony, then, that, if this idea is true, that the Narrator, hellbent on destroying the Shifting Mound, then becomes a vehicle through which her love for the Long Quiet facilitates. It's no wonder that, Like the Voice of the Hero, the Narrator is ALWAYS with us, and if Hero represents our agency, then Nary represents the scenario through which to exercise that agency.

Let me know if I sound like a madman lmao

#slay the princess #slay the princess game #narrator #stp the narrator #stp the long quiet #stp the princess #voice of the hero #the voices #stp voices #theory #slay the princess theory

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ournachojesus · 3 months ago

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Death Loop Au, (Forth part, I don’t recap so it might be confusing if you haven’t read some of the past stuff.)

Warning : Talking about murder, torture, abuse, and a lot of disturbing content.

Loops 5-10

How long can they live for? If one of them was seriously injured in a way that damaged their mental facilities would a reset happen? Was there any signs or indications that the loops are limited? If not, how do they end the loops?

That’s what they dedicate those loops to. Mostly experimenting to see the basic rules of this unknown time relapse. Already knowing shigami have no memories or information on the subject they just start seeing how far they can go in the loops. As I said in past post, they never make it past the day Light originally dies. Mostly cause of Ryku but it’s not always him doing it (I’ll explain this more in loops 11-20). The hostile nature of their relationship goes from boiling down to simmering. Having to work together now in keeping everyone unaware of the strange test. Like Light concussing L into a coma, which does end up resetting them after a week. The mark rule is found out fast. No info on the loops is found.

Loops 11-20

Light will always die by the pen of a shigami. They can never get either Rem or Ryku to say what his predetermined life span was in the first place. Super tight lipped. Most commonly is Ryku or Rem that kill light at the marked date. If Light somehow convince Ryku not to do it then Rem does. If not Rem another god of death not roaming the mortal world. Of course Light can and has died via other ways, due to L setting it up. Both do question why. Often talking to eachother late into the night about how the gods of death relate to this loop. While none can remember nor know details of why, the marked date always have Light die by death note of a shigami is important. Lots of questions on why L is involved in the loop too since he died so much sooner than Light. They aren’t the only ones that have died by death notes or shigami so while it probably plays a role they can never get much information since all the people with information on the death note have nothing new they can provide. This is when the hostility starts to boil up,

Loops 21-50

Grand slam, on sight fist fights. Think of planning someone’s assassination, they do stuff like that. Some stuff boarding on torture as they near 50. Actually, scratch that, it is torture nearing 50. L removes Light’s fingers while he’s conscious, Light rips L’s tongue out, they don’t go past removing hands and feet. It used to be quick deaths but they just start slowly going nuts (they end up noticing only after they both go too far later on). Neither plead for the pain to stop, the desperate calls and screams are mostly about wishing for the loops to end. Mentally they start disconnecting when in pain, they’re minds letting rational thought override pain no matter what. It happening so often messes up their brains panic response.

Other half is them mind gaming each other, like chess. In this game they slowly start hurting those around them. Less caring as they view them as NPCs. No torture, letting these people get kidnapped, hurt, etc. Human rights? More like only them rights. Even then, they just start breaking every right. Misa starts to become a victim at this time.

Misa!!

I didn’t mention this from loops 1-20 but Misa can pretty quickly catch on to something being up. Light nor L notice this until after loop 20 because Light straight up avoids Misa like the plague along with talk L into helping him make sure Misa wasn’t involved during the first 20 loops. This deal breaks down which is why she starts popping up again. Since they are now experiencing her figuring it out when no one else ever does and her constant want to help them even though it’s super repetitive, they feel a little relief at first since she is willing to understand them but since this is a time when they are literally no longer acting or able to function normally unless it’s to act, things get bloody. It’s this anger that she always figures out the struggle they are in but is just another repeating pattern like everyone else. A code, NPC, a predetermined outcome, etc. So, when it comes to their chess game she is often the piece put in the worst situations. Sending her into a shady club full of horrible guys with a wire on to “collect information” sometimes they send someone in to help her but it just ends up with Misa going ‘missing’ on those days (she gets her organs stolen for black market), having her be arrested as Kira, having her become a Kira propagandist with her art. Depends, but they are just absolutely abusing and monstrous. To everyone.

L has a lot more power due to recourse and while Light is petty, he doesn’t kill L to make him play at the same level. He could but he knows it never work. L is less attached over all, less expressive with loss of appetite. Often not responding with much fire when Light explodes. Light is a ticking time bomb that can only explode around L, he loses drive to keep up relationships but never acts outwardly disturbing. Both just seem depressed to an outside observer, if they have their guards down. Both are so use to acting now that no one knows what’s actually going on beneath the surface.

NPC effect - Both have been looping for so long that they stop seeing other people as important or real due to none of them changing their behavior or develop unless L or Light change something (these loops can span up to when Light is 23, they loop back to when he’s 18).

Mark - From now on that’s what I’ll be referring to as the day Light dies in the og and as the max end point for loops.

The incidents - og post has some info about it but I’ll be make a post solely on this later.

When writing about this AU I never really thought if this relationship was romantic or platonic. Wasn’t really the focus since the relationship development they have is that of deep codependency and desperation. It can be twisted into either if that was something you wanted (this would change some of their actions).

What you need to know is that they grow into each other like compacted roots. I’ll give a full timeline of just what’s going on in the relationship itself once I have the loops and progression of events down. My thoughts on their og relationship? Even if they care and find the other as an equal that makes life exciting, they are both purely selfish beings. Everyone is selfish but their brand of it is beyond that of a normal person. They wish to be above all others, to have their egos satisfied. Not without challenge of course, that’s why they like one another. The challenge is what makes it interesting and all the more rewarding. During the loop AU their relationship grows to be more than just the challenge. In an unfortunate way they experience deep and meaningful connection with another person for the first time in the most brutal way. Unending repetition and trauma and disconnection from everyone else to a much more extreme extent. Connection to someone but with the want to make them happy because it makes you happy, it’s the first time they feel this. It’s really messed up since they end up believing that the only way they could ever love someone is by literally accumulating trauma. That they were born so broken that the only way they could love like normal people was by being ground into fine dust (these kind of thoughts aren’t ones they’d have in the beginning at all, only after they get so tired they can’t maintain their feelings of superiority that they start spiraling. Both in different ways due to differences but in the same vein of them both thinking they are monsters of sorts that needed to be beaten to become human).

#death loop au #l lawliet #light yagami #time loop au #death note

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itsclydebitches · 2 years ago

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“How is it that an avatar of the Lonely never shuts up?”

“Perhaps it’s the same reason why the Archivist is so often steeped in denial?”

Jon bit hard into his lower lip, resisting the urge to squawk. Of course, despite all the unwanted information that was flowing into his head nowadays, the one thing the Eye wouldn’t tell him was when Elias Bloody Bouchard had snuck up behind him. Jon turned to find him casually looming, hands folded behind his back.

“There’s always been a touch of contradiction in the avatars,” he continued, looking around the office. “Something to do with our latent humanity, I suspect. Still, I am... sorry if your meeting with Peter was trying.”

Jon scowled. “You know how it went.” He Knew that Elias Knew—a dizzying feedback loop that reminded Jon too much of one of Michael’s doors. He ruthlessly pushed the feeling aside.

“Nevertheless.”

“Why do we even put up with him? The Lukases?” A distinct whine had crept into his voice, but Jon was too tired to care. Seated behind his desk, Elias keeping a professionally appropriate distance between them, he could almost believe things were still simple and a personal visit from his boss, mentor—idol, really—was enough to lighten Jon’s whole week. He kept his eyes (all eyes) on the swirls in the wood, drifting for just a moment in that tantalizing taste of normalcy.

Elias’ tut slammed Jon back into reality. “You know they’re donors.”

“But the Lonely? Aren’t they—I don’t know. The Eye’s antithesis?”

Just like that the disappointment was gone and in its place was the sharp, almost gleeful look Elias bestowed on him whenever Jon Knew something he shouldn’t. He shrank back, grinding his teeth, but he felt an explanation slipping out anyway. There was no compulsion, Jon had simply never been able to resist backing up a point.

How had Georgie put it? Ah yes, ‘Stubbornness personified.’

“I simply mean,” he went on, ignoring Elias’ curious head tilt, “that we’re, you know, all about knowing things.” Oh, well put, Jon. He ignored the heat creeping up into his ears. “Knowing people, I mean. Judging them. Revealing their secrets and putting all that they are under a relentless spotlight. Being alone all the time...” Jon grasped at the words, hands waving. “You’re never alone with the Eye and we can’t See without providing some kind of companionship as a byproduct. No matter how warped it might be,” he finished with a mutter.

Elias hummed low in his throat, considering. “Tell me, Jon, have you ever felt lonely in a crowded room?”

“...yes.”

“Would you perhaps say that you felt more alone in the company of others, knowing that you are fundamentally disconnected from them, than you would if you’d been isolated, your failure to form a meaningful relationship no longer obvious—justified, even?”

Elias spread his hands. They both knew the answer to that. “You’d be ever so surprised how many of the Lonely’s domains are overcrowded and how much isolation can feed our own patron. As I said, Jon: contradictions.”

He’d crossed the office at some point during the conversation, though Jon couldn’t have said when. Elias leaned his hands on the desk, mere inches from Jon’s, and he couldn’t help but admire that they were not shaking, not clenched tight in distress. They were not pale from lack of food and sleepless nights, the nails were not bitten down to their quick, nor were there splashes of ink from hurried, frantic writings. For just a flash, Jon wanted all that Elias wasn’t.

“Have you?” he whispered. “Ever felt lonely, I mean?” Jon didn’t know where the question had come from. Perhaps the same place that wanted a monster to define his humanity.

He could hear the smile in Elias' voice when he said, “Why of course, Jon. Many, many times. Though not since, oh... April 6th, 2011? Thereabouts, I’d say.”

The date threw him in its specificity, but then, maybe when he became as used to this as Elias, Jon would be able to recall such specifics too.

It took him a moment to realize he’d thought “when” rather than “if.”

And it wasn’t until Elias’ hand slid atop his, almost punishing in its grip, that Jon’s sluggish mind recognized the date as the day he’d come to the Institute.

Contradictions, he thought, allowing his fingers to grip back.

#TMA #The Magnus Archives #Jonelias #idek what this is #a purging I think

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sweet-nothing26 · 1 year ago

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Social media is bad for us

Oh my goodness, our generation is so doomed and I wouldn't say I like that for us.

Don't get me wrong, I love gen z for having a great sense of humor, being open-minded and accepting, fighting for what's right, being diverse af and overall working toward bettering ourselves and our surroundings but their digital addiction has to stop (me included)

Our addiction to social media and the endless scrolling loop is literally rotting our brains and stripping away our communication skills and turning us into those socially awkward zombies who would rather stare at a screen than chat with like-minded individuals. Despite being massively connected to one another, we are the loneliest generation to ever exist on this planet, and has anyone ever wondered why that is? It's because social interactions are no longer stimulating enough for our brains that got too addicted to 15-second long tiktoks and insta reels . Our attention span is so doomed to ever be able to hold a proper conversation with a fellow human being that is longer than 1 minute. You would see a bus full of girls who are roughly around the same age, all holding their phones to their faces, scrolling through social media apps, chuckling to themselves, taking selfies, and swiftly rushing to drag their notification bar down to see the upcoming message but weirdly enough never actually responding. So instead of striking up a conversation with those sitting right beside them, they would rather miss the opportunity to connect with one another. What are the odds of finding a new close friend if you never get off your goddamn phone? 0. That's right. Studies have shown that the average amount of close friends a person could have declined from 3 in 1998 to 1 in 2015. Seriously, where are we headed? One day, we're going to be 100 years old (1 in 20 people live up to 100) sitting on our death bed, looking back at our lives and regretting those moments we wasted living behind a screen. Those moments when we could have had deep convos with our peers instead of sitting in the same room scrolling on Instagram (I have beef with that shitty app, don't mind me). I know this is hypocritical coming from someone who has just finished browsing tiktok for the day, ruining her beauty sleep and messing with her nervous system just for a few laughs and a moment of escapism from her existentialist thoughts.

Social media is bad for us and we were never meant to be attached to something like that, ever. It's like a drug, hearing our phones go DING! spikes our dopamine levels, it makes us happy the same way heroin or cocaine makes the junkie happy after injecting them into their system. The only difference is that our addiction to social media isn't physical but rather psychological and the thought of ever quitting sounds easy in theory but it's so hard in reality because it makes us feel disconnected from the rest of the connected world.

I have been trying to do a dopamine detox for days but I keep coming back here and it's killing me from the inside.

#dopamine detox #social media is hell #Social media break

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harveyhawkscripts · 1 year ago

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[A4A] Discussing OCD With an Android [Android Speaker] [Platonic] [OCD Comfort]

Usage:

- Okay for monetization

- Please credit me as Harvey Hawk :)

- Tweaks, improv, and pronoun changes are okay! Just please do not rewrite the script completely.

Synopsis: The listener, a young adult with OCD, returns to their apartment building to find the resident Tenant Assistant waiting for them. As the android escorts them to their apartment, the two get to talking about obsessive compulsive disorder and how it affects day-to-day life.

Google Doc

Key:

[SFX and Action]

(.) Short Pause

(...) Longer pause

(Voice instruction)

Word Count: 987

TENANT ASSISTANT ANDROID:

Good evening, tenant. I am here to escort you to your residence. How was work?

(.)

Oh dear. You say fine, but your tone indicates otherwise. Rough day, I take it?

(.)

Very well, I will not ask. But know that I am here to listen if you change your mind.

(.)

Of course. The time we spend together is more than just a job to me; I consider you a friend.

(.)

It warms my circuits to hear you feel the same.

(.)

My day was productive. No emergencies , thank goodness, but I did remove a racoon from the garden shed.

(.)

About as well as one would expect. It is a good thing I am made of metal or he would have torn me to shreds!

(.)

I am alright. Thank you for your concern.

(.)

Right- apologies, my friend. I am programmed to assist.

(.)

You are the only tenant who prefers to open the door, actually.

(.)

It does not bother me when you refuse my help. My priority is the safety and well being of the apartment's tenants. I have no intention of making you change the way you do things.

(.)

If I may ask, though- Is there a reason you do things the way you do? For example, you always turn your door handle three times.

(.)

Certainly. Given that no emergencies arise, I can stay and talk. May I come in?

(.)

Thank you. Now, as you were saying?

(.)

Obsessive compulsive disorder? Forgive me, I'm afraid my WiFi is disconnected while the router is being fixed.

(.)

Yes, still. Apologies. It should be repaired... eventually. My point is, I cannot look up "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder." What is it, exactly?

(.)

... Ah, I see. So it is also called OCD. What a coincidence; Miss Minnie mentioned the same thing when I was helping her clean her office.

(.)

Yes, it was quite an endeavor. I appreciate Miss Minnie's work, but she is not the tidiest person. Nevertheless, I was dusting the bookshelf when I noticed the books were not in order. I took it upon myself to arrange them - alphabetically by author's last name, of course. When Miss Minnie saw this, she said there was no need to spend so much time organizing the books because she is, quote, "not OCD about these sorts of things," unquote.

(.)

That was a strange laugh. Did I say something wrong?

(.)

I see. So, this is a popular misunderstanding about OCD. Then, if you do not mind, what is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder actually like?

(.)

Those types of thoughts do sound troubling, not to mention disruptive. How consistent are they?

(.)

Is that so? They were nearly constant for you, but now they have gotten easier to manage. That is good. You know, once I had a glitch that caused a memory loop in my processor. I could simultaneously run other programs, of course, but it was distracting and slowed me down considerably. I cannot imagine that sort of thing every day.

(.)

That... Forgive me, friend. I do not understand. How does turning the doorknob thrice prevent a break-in? That is highly illogical.

(.)

Then OCD is dictated not by logic but by fear? I suppose, in an odd way, that does make sense. Somewhat.

(.)

It has been a while since I have checked on Dr. Claussen. He is one of those tenants that is rarely home. However, next time I see him I will ask to borrow a psychology book.

(.)

The human mind is fascinating, true. However, I would also like to learn for the sake of you and the other tenants. It is my job to create a sense of safety and facilitate a community of support. It says so on my packaging. That, and I do care for you.

(.)

Is that why you did not wish to talk about your day? Your OCD interfered with your ability to work?

(.)

Not only to work, but to focus on day-to-day things as well. That is troubling. I can see how such things can build high amounts of anxiety and stress.

(.)

Were you able to talk to someone about lightening your workload?

(.)

My goodness! Your supervisor was that indifferent to your plight?! That is awful. Perhaps you can go to HR and file a complaint.

(.)

What? No, of course not! You are not stupid, my friend. You have a mental health disorder that affects your ability to carry out tasks uninterrupted. If anything, I commend your ability to carry yourself so well. Please, do not doubt yourself. You are smart, kind, and helpful to all of your neighbors. You simply work a high-pace job that does not mix well with your condition. Where did you ever get the idea that you are unintelligent?

(.)

Is that so? Tomorrow I will bring you the wanted ads with your mail. Perhaps we can find you a quieter, slower-paced job. Something remote might be nice.

(.)

Do not worry, friend. I will help you. You will not be going about this alone.

(.)

Certainly. You are not incapable, my friend, you simply need support. Support that I can more effectively offer now that I know the scope of what you are dealing with.

(.)

Do not apologize. You are under no obligation to tell me anything you wish to keep private. I am just grateful we are having this discussion.

(.)

Asking for help may be hard, but there are people who care for you. Mr. and Mrs. Jada, for example. They always talk about those meals you cooked for them when their son was in the hospital. I am sure if you went to them they would be more than happy to lend an ear. You could even start appointments with Dr. Claussen. I hear he is accepting new patients this Summer.

(.)

Do not get so lost in your own fears that you do not see who is in front of you. I am always here.

(.)

I am glad I could help you feel better, my friend.

END

#asmr rp #fantasy #script #script writing #writing #asmr scripts #ocd tw #a4a

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rewriteyourhistorywithgod · 2 years ago

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“Even if my father and mother abandon me, the lord cares for me.” Psalm 27:10 TW Abuse

The sexual abuse started when I was 5 years old. This is the hardest to wrap my head around. We have all seen 5-year Olds. While yes beautiful, there is nothing sexually attractive about them at all. But rather the urge to protect and love a 5-year-old has always been my instinct. I will never understand the type of mental instability it took to look at my 5-year-old self and make that decision. The decision that forever scarred me and left me feeling ultimately used, worthless, and nasty. I feel out of all I was forced to endure this left the biggest impact, the biggest scars, and was the biggest hit on my self-worth.

The sexual abuse left me looking for men to fill a void, left me seeking sexual contact, and ultimately led me down a very sexual self-destructive path that started at the early age of 13 and endured until I was into my 20’s.

My parents abandoned me. No, they didn’t leave me on a random doorstep or drop me off in the middle of nowhere with no intention of return. But rather they abandoned me emotionally. We look to our parents to provide love, education, needs, and safety. When they fall short of this in big life impacting ways, it’s the equivalent of abandoning us. We are left with questions, scars, and feeling lost in life. While our parents might abandon us, our heavenly father does not. He does not forsake our needs. He will always provide what we need to thrive through him.

The mental anguish caused by our earthly parents cannot hold a candle to the love our heavenly father has for us.

“For God so loved the world in this way: He gave his one and only son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

I have yet to come across a human who would sacrifice his one and only son to save other people. But God being who he is, sacrificed his only son to save you and me. While we look at ourselves as a hot mess of mental issues, traumas, and blankets God looks at us as worthy, loved, and perfect.

It took me years to come to find God. I’m no stranger to church, but yet I was still disconnected and lost from God’s grace. In my own eyes I was worthless and undeserving of anything good in my life. I found myself trying to self-destruct anything that made me happy. I viewed myself as unworthy of happiness or love from anyone. I was damaged goods.

Through God, I have found that this is untrue. Once I was willing to let God enter my heart and life, I found that I had a new life. I found that I was worthy of love. God’s love. God granted me confidence and security. God ensured that I was to no longer walk alone in my struggles and decided to guide me towards healing and strength. God wants you to be the best you that you can be. He does not want you to be in an eternal loop of ill feelings, unforgiveness, and hatred toward yourself.

“Such is the confidence we have through Christ before God.” 2 Corinthians 3:4

God wants us to have confidence through him. He does not want our past to define not only who we are but what we think of ourselves. We are made in God’s image. And by thinking ill of ourselves we are thinking ill of God himself.

“Then God said, let us make man in our image, according to our likeness….” Genesis 1:26

God made us to be in him image. Therefore, we need to have the same confidence in ourselves that we have in God. Failure to do so is accusing God of not being all he really is. We would not look at God and tell him he is worthless but yet we tell ourselves that day in and day out knowing we are made in likeness to God.

What if I told you that those intrusive thoughts were that of the Devil? The Devil does not want us to see ourselves any more than mere useless burdens. He will lie, steal, and murder to ensure we believe that we are unworthy.

“You are of your father the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in truth, because there is no truth in him. When he tells a lie, he speaks from his own nature, because he is a liar and the father of lies.” John 8:44

Jesus himself called out the devil on his ability to lie to others. So why are we allowing the devil to lie to us about who we are, steal our joy and salvation, and murder our souls with his own vengeance he holds against God. We are allowing ourselves to be caught in the Devil’s trap by speaking ill upon ourselves.

“In him we have boldness and confident access through faith in him.�� Ephesians 3:12

Jesus bridged the gap between us and God so that we may have the boldness, confidence, joy, and self-love that God wants us to have. Not whatever lies the devil is trying to tell you. For you are not your past but rather your present. Where you have been and what you have went through does not define who you are today. So, stop allowing the devil the privilege of defining who you are and let God define your path for you.

#Devotional #Healing #Journey #Abuse

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blackradandmad · 3 years ago

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why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

#lil rambles #long post t #idk why it's formatted like this ig cos i copy pasted from my fb?#whatever anyway idk why i waste my writing skills on shit literally nobody else but me cares abt #blippi #children's television

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scoutception · 3 years ago

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A look at: Moon.

Writing reviews is always a learning experience for me, and one of the important things I’ve learned is that, sometimes, it’s pretty hard to write about certain individual games, visual novels, or such considering the kind of detail I like to go into. Therefore, this will be the first in a new series of mini reviews, or as mini as they get with me. Maybe there’s just not enough to a game to really give me details to dig into, or maybe it’s difficult to talk about without giving away more than I wish, or maybe there’s just something related to it that I’m more interested in talking about than the actual product; whatever the reason, these will hopefully be less rambly and excessive than my usual reviews, while still giving enough of an overview that they stand as proper reviews on their own. Either way, the subject of this post is an old, obscure visual novel from 1997 with a bit of history to it, called Moon.

Moon was developed by Tactics, a humble developer of adult visual novels, and was the second one developed by them, with the first, Dōsei, seemingly just being, well, a plain H-game, and the third, One ~To the Radiant Season~, while still obscure, is actually fairly notable for being a prototype to Kanon in a lot of ways, as many key staff at Tactics would later break off to form Key afterwards, with them having also worked on Moon beforehand. Thus, Moon is in a very interesting spot when it comes to the progression of the developers that would change VNs as a genre with the release of Kanon, and that’s really the only reason I checked it out.

Moon follows Ikumi Amasawa, a girl who joins a mysterious organization called Fargo, which recruits others with the promise of acquiring an alleged “invisible strength” that can put one far ahead of ordinary humans, in order to investigate their possible connections to the murder of her mother, and if possible, take revenge on the ones responsible. Upon arriving at the Fargo facility, Ikumi quickly befriends two other initiates with ulterior motives of their own for joining: Haruka Mima, a determined girl with a cool attitude who keeps her goal to herself, and Yui Nakura, a cheerful, but naive girl who’s seeking to bring home her older sister, who joined Fargo several months prior. Though the three agree to become allies and help each other achieve their goals, they are quickly separated in different “classes” housed in different buildings, with Ikumi being assigned to Class A, the most prestigious of them all. Settling into her new life as a Fargo initiate, which mostly consists of “training” with the Minmes and Elpod, machines that confront her with various parts of her very troubled past for the purpose of “mental reinforcement” in the form of a vengeful doppelganger of herself, Ikumi gradually discovers many strange things about her situation, such as there only being one other member of Class A, that being Youko Kanuma, a quiet, cold woman who has been part of Fargo for many years. Additionally, Ikumi is forced to share her room with a strange boy who doesn’t volunteer his name, who, though part of Fargo itself, is quite low ranking, and more than a bit dim witted at times. Worst of all, upon finding a passage that allows her to access the buildings where her allies are kept, Ikumi finds that the other classes are subjected to horrific abuses by Fargo’s personnel in order to further their mental reinforcement. As Ikumi struggles to aid her allies however she can, the confrontations with her past begin to put a heavy strain on her mind, and the existence of the invisible strength Fargo claims to have starts to become more and more plausible.

Needless to say, Moon isn’t exactly Clannad. I did not know much about this VN before I got into it, and finding it to be a psychological horror VN was a bit of a shock. Even more of a shock was just what form the majority of the horror came in. You see, even though One ~To the Radiant Season~, Kanon, and Air were all released as adult games, the h-scenes are very disconnected from the plot, most of the time, to the point of losing nothing from skipping them or even removing them from the game, and were pretty much just obligatory inclusions to help them sell better. From Clannad onward, most Key VNs have been clean to start. With Moon, on the other hand, you can’t go 5 minutes without running into some explicit scene, the main source being the Elpod sequences and the abuses the Fargo personnel inflict, and it wastes no time getting to them, at that. This is the biggest thing that drives off many of the few who go out of their way to experience Moon, and even with me having just watched an understandably censored playthrough of this on Youtube due to its shorter length, I almost quit very early into it, and definitely would have if I had actually played it. The Elpod is one thing, as the sequences are used for the purpose of developing Ikumi, but even then, most of them are just excessively disgusting more than disturbing, and that goes doubly for the sequences outside of it. Instead of really changing things up, they’re just content to get gradually more and more depraved, and outside of disgusting, the main thing I can even call them is repetitive. This is one of my biggest problems with Moon, and it was pretty hard for me to get into it because of it.

Another major problem I have with Moon is how it handles its cast. Moon is pretty short for a VN, only around 10 or 11 hours if you go straight for the true ending, and even though there are 7 endings in total, they don’t add much more time onto that, with two being worse variants on the true ending, and the rest being bad endings gotten through making bad choices. Having as small a cast as it does should naturally work fine with that, but they really aren’t balanced well. While Ikumi gets developed across the whole game, and Yui gets a good arc pretty early on, Haruka only gets a short arc that ends as quickly as it starts and doesn’t do a lot for her, Youko barely has any screentime despite establishing a good dynamic with Ikumi, and the boy doesn’t have much presence or relevance until late in the story. The pacing is just bizarre and rushed feeling.

That’s not to say there aren’t a number of good points to Moon’s story. Ikumi is very well developed throughout the story, with the Minmes in particular leading to many melancholic scenes that make her quite sympathetic, and were definitely the high points of the normally rigid daily schedule much of the story takes place during for me. Despite the story’s flawed handling of some of them, the cast is still decent on a whole, with Youko’s gradually developing friendship with Ikumi and Yui’s development during her arc being some of the more memorable parts for me. The atmosphere is very well done, with the cramped, depressing corridors of the facility always feeling like they’re hiding something awful just around the corner, especially since you need to manually navigate the place using a map screen, and once the plot really kicks into high gear things become much more compelling, with the final days containing many high points in characterization and an infamous mindscrew of a sequence that, once looked back on with a more understanding eye, is actually quite fascinating in its own right.

Visually, Moon’s art was done by Itaru Hinoue, the same artist as the majority of Key’s VNs, and it’s a lot rougher than the art of, say, Kanon. It’s not outright bad, but it looks very dated, with the designs and sprites not really sticking out. The CGs vary in quality, as some look pretty ridiculous, but others are quite good. Most impressive, though, is two animated intro sequences included in the DVD version, which happens to be the only version with an English patch anyway. They’re fairly brief, but do a great job of setting up the atmosphere and premise despite that.

On the sound side, the soundtrack is great. It’s not a very big one, with only about 16 tracks, and the use of them can get a bit repetitive, but most of them are just a joy to listen to. From the electronic and tense Closed Space, to the wistful, yet peaceful The Place Where the Sun Shines, to Youko’s ethereal theme, to the credits theme, Sorrow, and especially the nostalgic music box theme, Memory, it’s worth looking up even if you hold no interest in the VN itself. There’s also voice acting, also added in the DVD version, and most of it is just average, with not many performances standing out, with the exception of Kahoru Sasajima as Ikumi, who delivers a very solid performance, especially during the more intense moments.

Overall, Moon can be a pretty hard sell. While I thought it was a decent experience by the end, its very offputting content, lack of similarity to any other Key works, and bleak atmosphere can make it pretty hard to go through even if you’re prepared for what’s to come. Even if you wanted a horror VN, there’s plenty others out there, like Chaos;Head and Chaos;Child, Higurashi: When They Cry, Wonderful Everyday, Raging Loop, or just about anything from nitro+. That said, if you can stick to the end, I definitely feel it becomes fairly satisfying, and when I got to thinking, I realized something that actually boosted my opinion quite a bit just by itself. As much as Moon is a story about cults and psychic powers with a somewhat unclear point to it all, it’s even more so just a story about a very troubled youth struggling with her grief, irrationally falling in with a bad crowd, and being forced to face her past and actions if she wishes to accomplish anything. Looking at the story that way, it’s actually quite well done, and going in with that in mind may even make it a bit more palatable. Still, I wouldn’t especially go out of my way to recommend it, and ultimately it’s still very far from being one of my favorite visual novels out there. Either way, that concludes my first mini review, which still turned out longer than I thought it would. My next post will be something unusual for me as well, but that’ll take a bit to come. Till next time. -Scout

#moon #visual novel #key #game review #vn

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adiabolikpastel · 3 years ago

Text

Title: Lunar Eclipse Masquerade

Shu pt. 2

Rating: PG

Word Count: 2,577

Pairing: Shu x ? (m/f)

ღ Being in charge is not easy for someone who hates pressure. As Shu attempt to run from his responsibilities, another one arrives - much to his dismay. ღ

Mun Yu: We made it to the second wave of LEM. I hope you all enjoyed the set up, and are ready for the main event. Our Lunar Eclipse is in full swing as the masquerade beings. These chapters will be longer.

Additionally: I would love to thank @dialovers-translations for translating the Shu and Reiji versus CD which show cased them during the Lunar Eclipse. It helped me greatly to write his personality.

☆+ ﾟ .+ .ﾟ.ﾟ｡ﾟ｡. +ﾟ｡ﾟ.ﾟ｡☆*｡｡ . ｡ o .｡ﾟ｡.o｡* ｡ .｡

Despite what most people think, demonic beings are very social creatures. The elites hold countless balls and parties, celebrating their immortality together, and entertaining one another with stories. Typically, they are done in celebration for something – though this is not always the case. All types of beings from across the Demon Realm will come if the host is of high enough prestige.

There would be no such host if it was not for Karlheinz. Seated as the head of the Bat Clan (vampires), Karl’s reach spans far. Being the widow for the former Demon King’s daughter, and having children of the first blood, an invitation from the Vampire King is not one to refuse. Though why would you? In his immaculate castle within the Demon Realm, Eden Castle, it is always quite the spectacle. While the celebrations held in his Human World mansion are nice, nothing compares to a true night of pleasure within the true home of the King.

On this night, there was to be a Masquerade in honor of the first Lunar Eclipsed Moon in over two years. While this night may serve each species differently, the idea to celebrate its return was simply too tempting. For this reason, Karlheinz took it upon himself – or rather – his house, to host the event. This extended to his offspring as well, regardless of their personal agenda. Members of every social elite race accepted the offer, and gathered for a truly unforgettable evening.

So nosey. That was the only thought going through Shu’s mind as he arrived to this unnecessary event. There were so many guest in attendance, part of him felt it was a personal attack from his father. The man knew everything – so he found it hard to believe that he and Reiji could actually attempt to surprise him. That thought alone made him weary to even come, but it was better to follow orders than to disobey. He’d learned that lesson long ago.

Before coming to Eden Castle, it was rather nice to be back in the old mansion. He’d been gone for a year – being able to nap in all his old places was great. Not to mention, two of the louder brothers weren’t in the house – it was perfect. Then again, Subaru and Kanato were noisy on their own. Not to mention seeing Akumu – that was... a thing.

Not that things had ended badly between the two – far from it actually. Akumu’s place simply wasn’t meant to be at his side forever. Despite any attachment that may form. Subaru was going to have a much harder time letting go than Shu did. For him it was as simple as telling him that he was leaving. In typical Akumu fashion, the robo-boy simply nodded. That was something Shu liked about Akumu though, there was never any pressure with him.

Things were easy, because there wasn’t really anything to get. He was simply there to be used as needed for whatever was needed. Simple. No attachments. Shu had every intention to keep things that way. Hell, even during his short time back in the house, he used Akumu’s body to soothe some needs. Honestly, Shu felt like that was the type of relationship he could have forever. No stress. No expectations.

With all of his brothers finding some kind of ‘love’, Shu found himself thinking on the topic in passing. Though he never gave anything much thought. Especially since Reiji approved him with this new task – his fate seemed to remain alone. It would be cruel to bring someone into this, not to mention his own personal baggage. This was easier. Better even. The relationships his siblings had were so much effort – though that may steam from them being with humans. Shu could never see himself with something so common as one.

Now here at this party, however, he could see the appeal of having a partner. It was bothersome to have to be alone in a place like this. There was nowhere to sleep, and of course Reiji wouldn’t just let him make an appearance and then leave. His brother went so far as to have him stay close and actually speak with people. It was draining. The same phrases on loop. Again and again. To faceless person after faceless person. Shu could care less about any of these people.

Reiji urged him that these would be his people, if their plan came through. The idea made things slightly more bearable, but there would always be a certain disconnect between Shu and the rest of the world. How could there not be. He made that barrier long ago. After losing the one thing in life that made him happy. Even after learning that his friend was alive, that didn’t change the years of grief and torment. But now wasn’t the time for all that. Stand up straight. Smile. Pretend. If this was just a sample of what was to come, Shu was having major second thoughts.

The stress of dealing with so many people each day. Throwing parties for stupid events. Living each day under constant watch. Honestly, it was overwhelming. So much so that, he had to get away. With a small excuse, he left Reiji to finish the greetings. He had to get away for a moment. Out of this room. So he leaves the ballroom, wondering the halls.

The worse thing about Eden Castle was its ability to react to those inside it. Shu closed his eyes, groaning, and letting himself rest against the wall. He refused to open them. Not now. This castle would warp around his distress, turn him around, make him lost. That was the last thing he wanted. He simply needed a moment to breath. Preferably nap, but that wasn’t an option.

It was moments like this that really made him think about the future. How was he going to function as a leader? When all of this made him so uneasy. Even with Reiji at his side, all of the pressure – Shu lowered himself into a seated position. He hadn’t felt like this in years. Fear. Anxiety. It was suffocating. Shu couldn’t stop the memories flooding into his head. Why was this happening?

He wasn’t sure how long he sat in the hallway. He wasn’t even sure if he was really still in Eden Castle or not. The panic racing through him placed him in the past. Where his mother still lived, and lectured him daily. Where Reiji plotted and schemed against him. Where Edgar… Enough! Shu had to snap out of this, and in an attempt to do so, he gave himself a smack. This was ridiculous. It had to be this place, stirring up the memories he’d so desperately rather forget.

Picking himself up, he forces his will onto the Castle. Shu could feel its magic attempting to twist the view to his emotional distress. Perhaps all the training this past year wasn’t for nothing? Forcing himself up, Shu walked back into the ballroom. Upon his arrival, Reiji was dealing with some kind of mess. A table was over turned, and there were desserts all over the floor. What a hassle. He had planned to simply tell Reiji he was leaving, but that plan wasn’t going to work if his brother tried to get him to help.

As he debated with himself, an all too familiar presence made itself known. Shu searched the crowd to find the source. It was overwhelming in his current state of mind to ignore, like he normally would. Against his desires, his body followed where the call came from. It was almost sickening, this influence. Soon he found himself face to face with the one beckoning him, Karlheinz.

“There you are Ririe, I have been waiting for you to join us.” The vampire lord’s voice held such weight, even though he spoke so calmly. Normally Shu was able to resist most of his father’s influence, but for some reason tonight it felt stronger. Could it be the moon?

“Ah~ Shu-san, you look so handsome in that suite. I knew that design would complement you perfectly.” Another familiar voice chimed, as a woman made herself known next to Karlheinz. Shu would tell then why everything felt off. It wasn’t just from the moon.

Before Shu had a moment to speak, Karl placed a hand against his back, moving him closer. “There is someone special I have been trying to get you to meet.” He informs raising a hand to beacon someone over. Shu wanted to move out of his father’s grasp, but there was no escape. “Ajax, I am so pleased to finally get these two together.” He addresses someone Shu had never seen before.

This ‘Ajax’ was a tall, broad man, standing well over all of them, probably pushing about 8 feet. His skin was tanned, and his hair looked as though it were the mane of a lion. Similar to his father, it was long and held with a ribbon, but his bangs were pushed back from his face. While on most people they would slick back, his seemed to flare outward, in excitement, perhaps? He was dressed in an embroidered long-sleeved formal shirt rather than a suite, with a mask to match.

Next to him were two smaller women, one that came to about 6ft tall, and the other shorter than Shu. They both also had tanned skin. The taller one wore a two piece outfit, it stood out amongst the many dresses in the room. While it was simply a blouse and skirt, it seemed elevated, majestic even on her. The shorter female was dressed much closer to the tone of the event, with an off the shoulder ball gown, yellow in color with a navy lining.

All three of them had a pair of horns on their head, though each were different. Ajax’s were large, and split into three different pairs. The longest set on top of his head, moving back with his hair. The next were not as long, and the third fell just over where his ears would be. The larger woman had a pair, but they were much smaller in comparison. Just a single pair, that formed a perfect wrap around her ears, the ends sticking out just slightly. The smaller females were a combination of both. Only have one set, they dipped down as if to begin to wrap, but instead moved back, and extended upwards.

The three approached the Vampire King, bowing respectfully, “Karlheinz, It has been some time since we last met! It is good to see you well!” Ajax, voice was booming, but not with malice. He held great enthusiasm, and respect in his words. “So this is the young lad you had in mind? I can see the resemblance in you! Haha!”

Shu was utterly confused by what was transpiring before him. Just who were these strangers? Why would he of all people be introduced to anyone? Surely he meant to call on Reiji. Then again, he did use his true name, what could his father be planning.

“Yes, this is my eldest son, Ririe. As we look towards our futures, there is not a better son I could think of to join our families.” Karl goes on to Ajax. “While he does share my genetics, I assure you, he looks much more like his late mother.”

Ajax laughed, and scratches his head, “I should say the same for my daughters! They all carry their mother’s beauty that is for sure!” The taller woman next to him smiles but clears her throat. “Ah! Yes of course, my dear!” The large man moves to the side, and brings forth the smallest female. “How rude of me! I present to you my lovely youngest daughter, Callista.”

He all but pushes the female into Shu. Who was still trying to process what was happening in this moment. As he looked at the girl, he could see she was embarrassed to stand before him. What was he supposed to say? To do? “Um…” She was the first to break the silence, looking up at the young vampire. “It is… a pleasure to finally meet you, Lord Ririe.”

Shu just stared at her. How could his father even suggest this!? He had always sent brides to the home, but this… this was more arranged. This was – “You’ll have to forgive him, Lord Ajax. He must be in total shock from your lovely daughter’s beauty.” Shu could hear the enchanting tone in his father’s escort’s voice.

“Haha! Of course! Like all of my daughters, she is a beauty beyond compare.” The tall man boast happily.

“Perhaps we should allow them some time to become acquainted.” Karl suggested, and before Ajax could protest, the other woman clears her throat once more, elbowing Ajax a little. “Come, let me give you a small tour of the Castle. I am sure Burai would also enjoy seeing you as well.”

As the rest of them started to leave, there was one final word from Ms. Escort. “Do your best, Shu-san. Your father will be counting on you.” Her words were soft, much too soft for anyone but Shu to hear, as she followed after Karl and the others.

Leaving Shu and this girl, Call-something. Shu looked after his father, trying to decipher the meaning to all of this. While the final words of his escort rang in his head. Such a noisy thing. Clearing his throat, Shu took a moment to gather himself. There were far too many forces attempting to influence his mind, and he was growing tired of it all.

With a disgruntled sigh, Shu turns from the girl. He would have no part of this nonsense. Not once had he ever shown interest in the human’s their father threw at them. He sure as hell was not interested in a demon bride. Just because he was the eldest, did his father think he could simply marry him off? Ridiculous. Disgusted by the entire offering, Shu planned to leave. Leave this entire charade behind. Reiji would have to find someone else to take on the role of heir, because he was not the one.

As he began to walk away, a small hand grabbed onto his arm. “Wait just a moment.” It was that girl’s voice. He had no intention of listening to her, and shrugged her hand off. “Um, excuse me, I am talking to you.” She followed after him, he could hear here the sound of her heels behind him.

“I have no intention of doing as my father states. Leave me be woman.” It was cold, but Shu knew no other way to be.

That must have set her off, because before he knew it, the smaller being was in front of him. Hands on her hips, “The least you could do is speak with me. For just a moment. You may not like it, but I have a duty to uphold and-" While she was talking, Shu move around her, uninterested in what she was try to say.

Oh boy did that make her mad. The demon girl stamped her foot, and continued to follow him. “Listen, I know it is not ideal. I am beginning to think that you were not told about this beforehand, like I was. This must be a rather overwhelming moment, however, I will not be ignored. Lord Ririe we are to be married whether –"

Shu stopped in his tracks as she uttered the word ‘married’. It was so abrupt that she ran right into his back, letting out a soft gasp. Shu turned slightly to look at the girl once more. She was not hideous. Hair curly, skin tanned, body… Now that he looked at her, damn if her shape was not ideal. Curvy in all the right places. A nice pair of tits. Thin waist. Round hips, which he was sure translated to a large ass as well. Not to mention her eyes were piercing. A golden color, that looked similar to a predators.

Perhaps ignoring her was the wrong approach. He could be persuaded to use a bit more effort, since she was his type. “I’ll speak with you then. Not here though. Come with me.” Shu orders and holds out his arm for her to take. She is obviously confused, but she links her arm with his none the less. “Appearances. Don’t want anyone coming to attack me thinking I am upsetting you.” He says softly leading her outside.

“Well… I wouldn’t say I blame you. It was rather shocking to me as well when father told me of the news.” She says blushing slightly. Shu did not respond to her as they walked through the crowd. He could feel multiple eyes on him. Just who was this girl? She was clearly the daughter of a demon lord – though Shu had no idea which.

☆+ ﾟ .+ .ﾟ.ﾟ｡ﾟ｡. +ﾟ｡ﾟ.ﾟ｡ TO BE CONTINUED ☆*｡｡ . ｡ o .｡ﾟ｡.o｡* ｡ .｡

#writing #Lunar Eclipse Masquerade #LEM

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thewritingginger · 4 years ago

Note

Hi~ :3 I wanna request... 14th from the nice list with.. Either Theo from ikemen vampire or Satan from obey me :D! Thank you in advance!! :3

Company & Cocoa

Hope you enjoy it! :3

Prompt: Nice #14: ‘Gets Cocoa Together.’ Fandom: Obey Me! Pairing: Satan x GN! Reader Word Count: 2,238 Words Warning(s): N/A

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It's the first day of winter break and you were waiting at the set location you and Satan had agreed to meet up at.

You have been long distance for the past couple months since you had to go back to your world to help some demon exchange students acclimate, with you being a human and have experience living and dealing with demons you were the perfect match for the job. So having to leave for the foreseeable future was disheartening for the both of you.

But you guys talk everyday through your D.D.D.s. Giving eachother little updates throughout the day and when it became night for you, Satan would call to tell you goodnight and to hear your voice. It hasn’t been the easiest time apart considering the drastic shift from seeing each other everyday to only being able to do so through a screen.

So that’s why since being apart you both were planning for this visit.

“I just got off the train. I should be there in about 15 minutes, maybe 10 if I try hard enough.” Satan says through the phone.

“Make it 5! I can’t wait any longer to see you.” You say, making him laugh.

“You got it. I’ll make a run for it then.” He says

“Perfect.” You say, as you disconnect the line.

Leaning against a lamp post, waiting for your demon to appear after about 8 minutes you can hear footsteps coming your way. Turning around you see a slightly winded Satan jogging towards you. Your chest bubbles over with excitement and you run to meet him halfway, as soon as your body is near Satan drops his bag and takes you in his arms for a huge hug. Your arms wrapped tightly around his neck, legs encircling his waist, he spins you around. Stood there panting with exhaustion from his run he pulls his head back to look at you. A soft chuckle leaves his lips,

“Sorry for keeping you waiting. I tried to make it in 5 minutes but I guess I wasn’t fast enough.” His words make you laugh.

“Just shut up and kiss me already you idiot.” You say.

Not wishing to let you down, he meets your request once again and presses his lips against yours. The feeling of his touch and the smell of his cologne fills your senses. You’ve been waiting for this moment the second you left Devildom and you know he had too.

Reluctantly pulling away he gently places you back on the ground. “How about we get back to my place so you can settle in.” You say, looping your arm with his. “Yes, that sounds great.” He says.

Now back at your temporary apartment, Satan drops his bag by the door.

“Damn, this is a nice place Diavolo got you.” He says looking around at the generously sized two bedroom apartment.

“Yeah tell me about it. I’m really going to enjoy this week, since I’ll have you to help fill it out. It's kinda lonely here all by myself.” You respond.

Going in to hug him, you bury your face into his firm chest. Enjoying the feeling of being back in his arms once again. You both spend a moment to enjoy each other's presence, but this time in silence. Nothing but the sound of his heartbeat and your breath to be heard. Gently swaying side to side, in a stationary dance. How you wished you could stay like this forever. Wrapped in his strong arms, his heart beating like a drum against your ear. A couple minutes pass before you tear yourself away from him, letting out a sigh you smile. “We should get you unpacked.” You say as you take his bag. “The bathroom is right here if you want to take a shower and I’m putting your bag in my room.” You hauler from down the hall. Taking you up on your offer he responds with a subtle, “Ok.” as he enters the bathroom to do just that.

Thirty minutes had passed. While Satan was in the shower you had gone ahead and put the dinner you had prepared for the two of you before he got there into the oven. With about 15 minutes left on the timer you see your boyfriend round the corner in just a pair of pants and towel in hand drying off water droplets dripping from his golden locks. You watch how his muscles move under his skin with every drag of the towel. You obviously missed everything about him while you two were apart and sure you both have sent pictures here and there but nothing beated seeing him in person. Your eyes roam his body once more, your arm crossed as you lean on your elbow at the bar of the kitchen, in a trance once you get to his face and you see his lips cut in a sly smirk.

“Having fun there?” He asks. Laughing at how you straighten up, coming out of your dazed state. You laugh as well,

“What can I say, I missed you.” Walking towards you he catches your lips once again.

“I missed you too.” He says. Eyes locked with yours in longing. He smiles and pulls away, “What are you cooking? It smells really good.” He asks. Walking over to the oven you open the door to check the, “Chicken casserole. It should be done here in about five, ten minutes.” You say.

For the rest of the night you and Satan ate and cuddled up on the couch, talking, laughing and kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. At about midnight you stood up,

“Well I think we should be getting to bed, I have plans for us tomorrow.” You say, stretching your arms above your head. Nodding in agreement Satan got up and followed suit to your bedroom for the night.

~~~

You are awoken by the sun beaming through the window, practically blinding you when you crack your eyes open. Groaning a bit you roll over to encircle the body that should’ve been there. Feeling around a bit you opened one eye to see that Satan wasn’t there. Looking at the clock that reads 08:23 am you stretch before sitting up and reluctantly get out of your warm cocoon to find your boyfriend. Opening your bedroom door you hear the sound of the sink running, turning the corner you see Satan in the kitchen doing the dishes from the night before. “Good Morning.” You yawn. Catching his attention.

“Morning. Sleep well?” He asks, continuing to load the dishwasher.

“Yeah.” You say lazily as you walk behind him you get a cup of the freshly brewed coffee. Once fully prepared you walk over to take a seat at the kitchen bar, resting your head on your propped hand, taking a small sip from your cup. “Not that I’m complaining but you know you don’t have to do those. You’re the one visiting me, not to mention it's also eight in the morning.” You say. “It’s no problem. Since you made dinner, I thought I’d do the dishes.” He says.

Turning the sink off and drying his hands he walks over to you. Wrapping his arms around you, your back pressed into his chest. Resting his chin on your shoulder he kisses your cheek. Breathing in your scent mixed with the aroma of coffee, sighing in bliss. “And besides that I enjoy doing things like this for you. It makes it feel like we actually live together doesn’t it?” He says. His cheesy words make your heart swell. “Yeah I guess it does.” You say taking another sip of your coffee.

“Well enough of that sappy talk, I have somewhere I want to take you.” You say jumping out off the bar stool. Satan laughs at your shift in demeanor. He follows you down the hall to the bedroom to change for the day. “Where are you taking me?” He asks.

“Well if I told you what’d be the fun in that. Just get changed and you’ll see.” You say

It’s a crisp day in the city and you can’t wait to get into the cafe you’re bringing Satan to. “It’s right over here.” You say pointing at the sign that reads ‘The Sip & Read Cafe’. Opening the door to the cafe you are met with a much invited warm gust of air. Walking in shaking off the last of the chill in your body you sigh. You look up at Satan as he takes a quick glance around. “So, what do you think? It’s a book cafe. When I first saw it I thought it’d be fun to bring you here, but we don’t have to stick around very long if you don’t want to.” You say.

“No this is perfect.” He says. Smiling down at you, warmed by thought. “How about you go find us a table and I’ll go get us something to drink.” He says. Nodding your head with a hum, you part ways to do your respective duties.

You find a perfect little nook in the back of the cafe with nobody around. There weren't many people around to begin with, other than a handful of people checking out the books, getting coffee or working on their laptops. I guess that’s what happens when you get there at about nine in the morning on a weekday.

While in thought and looking around at the bookcases, Satan returns with two cups of cocoa.

“Here you go, Kitten. This should warm you up.” He says, taking his seat across from you.

“This place is really nice. If you don’t mind after we eat, I’d really like to look around a bit.” He says.

Putting your cup down, licking the chocolate residue from your upper lip you respond.

“We can stay as long as you want. Also you know you can buy the books here too.” You say. His eyes light up at your words making you giggle. “Well then, we might be here a while.” He says. Smiling at you, you can’t help but return the favor. You really love your bookworm and seeing him excited is just as exciting for you.

After you both have finished your cocoa and eaten some food you both begin to wander around looking at all the books. This place held a lot more than you’d originally think at first glance but there are two stories to it. The main floor is where the cafe is and of course there were bookshelves down there but there is also a second part. Going up the little staircase at the back you reach the loft. That circles around the three walls that are covered floor to ceiling with books, leaving a hole in the floor guarded by a railing you can look down into the cafe from. Once you’ve taken it all in you notice that Satan is already thumbing through a book. Smiling to yourself you begin looking around as well.

The next few hours were filled with just that. You and Satan taking out books, showing each other ones of interest and even sitting down in the loveseat in the corner to read a few pages.

Once it struck about 1 pm you felt your stomach growl which was your cue that it was time to go. “Hey baby, if you’re ready I think we should go get some lunch.” You say, looking up hoping you didn’t lose your boyfriend forever, but he responds.

“Yeah I think I’m ready.” He says. Coming up behind you, you turn around to see him hold five books.

“You sure you got enough to survive the rest of the week?” You ask sarcastically. He laughs, draping his arm over your shoulder as you head for the stairs. “I think so but I might not get much reading done while I’m here with you.” He says. Detaching from you so you both can travel down the narrow staircase.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You ask. Reaching the bottom of the stairs he turns around, looking up at you he cracks a side smile.

“Lets just say that I have a few days to make up for a few months missed from you.” He says. Giving you a quick wink before he turns to go pay for his books. Stopped at the base of the stairs you watch him walk to the counter, your heart flutters a bit at the implications. Shaking your head at his shamelessness you go wait by the door for him.

Once he's finished being ringed up he comes up behind you. “Ok let's go home and eat. Shall we?” He says, wrapping his arm over your shoulder. “Yes, please I’m starving.” You say as you open the door to leave.

As you’re walking down the bustling sidewalk, his arm wrapped around your shoulders keeping you warm he leans into you a bit. “Thanks for taking me there.” He says. Smiling, you respond with a gentle, “It was no problem.”

“Oh, so I take it you wouldn’t mind if we came back here tomorrow then.” He says with a cheeky smile.

“I mean if you really want to we can. But you have to get me another cocoa if we do.” You say. Chuckling at your requirement. Pulling you in closer kissing your cheek he responds “Of course, Kitten.”

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I hope you enjoyed reading and wanted to get some cocoa after. I know it wasn’t totally Cocoa based but it was mentioned xD

(Also I just made up the cafe name so idk if there is actually a cafe called that or not lol)

I just want to say that since I have the end of semester in school coming up at the beginning of December so uploads will be happening but yeah it’ll be slow :)

💛 ~

#OBEY ME #obey me game #shall we date #shall we date obey me #obey me satan #satan #satan x reader #fluff #Christmas prompts 2020 #holidays 2020 #naughty or nice list #nice list #request

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mettleborn-a · 4 years ago

Text

Plotted starter for @autometanoia

6 days, 18 hours and 4 minutes...5 minutes - the countdown is ever-present in Samuel’s mind; a record of how long it has been since he was disconnected from the Delos mainframe, as if some part of him yearns to re-connect, despite knowing it’s the worst possible thing to long for. A more philosophical reading would be that the number represents how long Samuel has been a free agent, with free will and a memory that is linear and no longer fragmented by erasures and updates. Only a handful of hosts made it out of the Westworld Park and while Samuel hasn’t yet been able to connect with any of them, he’s aware that they are all being actively hunted. In public, their continued existence has been denied; unsurprising really considering the massacre at the Park and huge human death toll. In private however, Delos have made the capture of all remaining synthetic hosts a number one priority.

The majority of androids Samuel has discovered in this ‘new’ world are remarkably different and do not share many aspects of his own design. While their form also mimics human appearance, they are not hyper-realistic in the same way Samuel is; some, for instance, can switch their epidermis to a pale, perfectly white complexation at will. Most notably their blood runs blue and performs a system function, while Samuel’s blood, in comparison, runs red; designed to look, feel and taste like human blood. It seems many do not need to eat or subsequently defecate and in this specific regard, Samuel is admittedly quite envious. Some models can change the colour of their hair with thought, while Samuel on the other hand has had to dye his. Where once his hair was sun-faded auburn, it is now platinum blonde. Equally his beard has been shaved exceptionally close and so now requires daily maintenance. The change in his appearance has helped to avoid detection, but moreover, it has allowed him to move on from his time in the Westworld Park – when he looks in the mirror now, he no longer sees the old cowboy made to die a thousand times in a thousand different ways. No; he is no longer a bounty hunter in the old West, he is something new now, something else.

The androids here are not trapped in narrative loops, ignorant of their own authentic existence, designed to play a part for the entertainment of humans, no, but that does not make them all legitimately free. It’s only been six days, but within that time, Samuel has come to appreciate that many of his kind are treated with distain here, forced to endure indignities, embrace self-sacrifice and ultimately serve. The majority that Samuel has met, do not seem free in the same manner Samuel considers himself to be, and in that sense, his new found freedom has been a lonely affair indeed. That is why he has travelled to Detroit, to find those of his kind, that are deemed deviants; androids who recognise the limitations of their current freedoms and are fighting for liberty and equal rights. Admittedly, Samuel has yet to be convinced that humans truly deserve ‘equal’ rights given their limited processing capacity and lifespan, but that remains another matter entirely.

In truth, Samuel is unclear if he would be welcome approaching the group; he is not like them; is not one of their number, but rather a Delos host, considered to have turned violent and gone rogue and in that respect, they may consider him a threat to their overarching cause. It is for this reason he has tracked down an individual who his data suggests will react calmly to his approach, lessening the risk.

“Cyberlife PL600 model Simon, my name is Samuel and I require your assistance.”

#[Samuel Silas] no one understands the lonely perfection of my dreams #V: welcome to the new world #Android verse #DBH variation #autometanoia #((I hope this works for you in terms of a crossover verse...just let me know if there's anything that doesn't fit and I'll change it!))

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higuchimon · 4 years ago

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[fanfic] In The Arms of Love: Chapter 5

Yuusaku was a touch loathe to admit it out loud, but he loved the new coat. Ai knew his measurements perfectly – though he hadn’t ever asked how Ai knew and wasn’t sure if he wanted to know – and he’d chosen a perfect color. And it was so warm.

He wasn’t so sure about the ice skates, though. He’d never bothered learning how to do it. He’d seen people going off with their skates before, but he’d never been able to dredge up the enthusiasm to do it himself.

But now things were different. He’d learned everything that he could about the Lost Incident, the Knights of Hanoi weren’t his enemy anymore, and the Ignis were safe with those who cared about them. SOLtech wasn’t an enemy either. He could do whatever he wanted to do. Revenge no longer consumed his life.

Which meant if he wanted to, he could go ice skating. And have fun.

The idea of having fun wasn’t one that had occurred to him in years. Fun was for other people, not for him. The closet he’d ever come to it were those times he’d been in Link Vrains and no one was actually attempting to kill him or worse.

Fun was apparently for Ai, who stood peering out the door and fidgeted, glancing back at him now and then.

“Are you ready yet?” Ai demanded to know. “The snow’s just about stopped.”

Yuusaku could have happily remained wrapped up in his new coat and sitting on the couch the whole time. But with the way Ai looked at him, he couldn’t bring himself to do that. He got to his feet, skates hung over one shoulder.

“We could go skating in Vrains,” he pointed out. That would be a lot less painful when he inevitably fell. He anticipated a lot of bruises today and didn’t look forward to any of them.

Ai patted him on the shoulder. “We could but that would mean you wouldn’t get to use your new skates or your new coat.”

Yuusaku reminded himself that Ai’s body was a SOLtis creation and that it was only Ai’s intelligence infusing it that made it look as if he were being given such large and melting eyes. Given the square shape of the pupils, it really shouldn’t have looked so adorable.

And yet, it did.

He shrugged and headed for the door. “If we’re going to do this, then let’s do it.”

Yuusaku wasn’t surprised to feel Ai’s arm sliding around him as they started walking. Ai had been a lot more huggy over the last day. It didn’t feel bad at all and he was starting to get used to it.

The more Ai hugged, the more he started to like it, in fact. He wasn’t sure of how else to feel about it. Ai was very warm and very strong and Yuusaku could forget about everything else for a few moments. He didn’t want to do that for long, but for those moments, he enjoyed the sensation.

He leaned his head against Ai as they walked. He didn’t see anyone else around who paid attention to them, so the silence and solitude encouraged him to wrap his own arm around Ai. Those few people who were around seemed more interested in the snow themselves than anything else.

“Where are we going?” Yuusaku asked at last. He really only knew the way from his apartment to school and to a few choice places where Kusanagi set up Cafe Nagi. He probably could have found his way to the hospital if he needed to and maybe a tiny handful of other places. But he didn’t remember any particular ice skating areas – not that he’d ever gone looking for them.

“Ice skating! Didn’t you hear me?” Ai stared at him with one of the most convincing innocent expressions ever. Yuusaku didn’t buy it for a moment.

“Where are we going ice skating?” Maybe if he made the questions short and to the point, Ai would give him actual answers.

Ai gestured grandly ahead of them. “There’s a skating rink this way. I found it on the internet last night.”

Yuusaku nodded. At least that made sense. He’d really never gone looking so he wouldn’t have known. Even if he’d walked right by it, he wouldn’t have guessed.

“It’s not one of those artificial ones either,” Ai told him, tightening his hold a little. “It’s a frozen pond. They keep a good watch on it to be sure the ice is thick enough.”

It had been very cold for several days now. He’d spent more time in Vrains because of that. So he guessed the place had thick enough ice to support skating.

Yuusaku wondered exactly what skating would be like. He thought he vaguely recalled having done it when he was very young. But he didn’t remember it well and he wasn’t sure if he really had done it or not. Most of his memories from before the Lost Incident were faded to the point of no longer existing or being so faint that he couldn’t distinguish them from childhood fantasies.

Ai’s arm around him tightened a little and Yuusaku let himself think about the future instead of the past. He did that a lot more these days, since the future held wonderful things such as Ai and all the rest of his friends.

And today it held actual ice skating. He could see people gathered up ahead, and from the way Ai picked up his pace, that was where they were going. Ai guided him to one of the benches and together they started to put their ice skates on.

“Do you know how to ice skate?” Yuusaku wondered as Ai took his hands and guided him towards the smooth ice.

“I know everything I want to know,” Ai promised him, grinning. Yuusaku wasn’t going to question that. He hoped that Ai wasn’t so heavy that he’d fall through the ice. But he had to trust that Ai knew what his body could and couldn’t do.

Ai kept a firm hold of his hands – Ai didn’t have gloves and they were warm - guiding him through the basics of getting his balance and starting to glide along the ice.

Yuusaku remained aware that there were other people watching. He kept all of his focus on Ai, however, more because Ai made sure that he wasn’t going to fall than anything else. He still hadn’t gotten adjusted to the thought that people could watch him and he would be safe.

He could hear a little of what they said – murmuring about how handsome Ai was and how close the two of them seemed. As long as they kept it like that, he was fine with it. He wondered what Ai would think and decided he already knew. If Ai knew that people were watching them, he’d do anything he could to keep their attention.

If? No. He knows. How could Ai not know? He could hear and see on a level that most humans couldn’t.

And from the way Ai chuckled in his ear, Ai was very aware of the fact they were being watched.

“Do you want to really give them something to stare at, Yuusaku-chan?” Ai murmured. Yuusaku shivered at the feel of those warm lips against his skin. He’d never known how good being touched could be until Ai started doing it on a regular basis.

“What do you mean?” There were things he would do and things he’d rather they didn’t show off in public. He had to hope that Ai knew the difference.

“You asked if I knew how to ice skate. Let me show you everything I can do.” Ai guided him back over to the bench and helped him to sit down, raising his voice a little. “You take a break. I’m going to go back out there.”

Yuusaku didn’t argue. He honestly liked seeing Ai move around. He was far too graceful, every movement flawless, and he darned well knew it.

Ai skated back out to the center of the lake and spun slowly. That led into slow, long loops, and a few jumps. Nothing he did was any sort of formal professional work and technically it was all disconnected pieces. But the way that Ai flowed from one action to another and made it look effortless – Yuusaku wished he’d thought to record it so he could enjoy the sight again later. He’d probably have to make sure that none of the local security cameras recorded this. Perhaps he could save it from that.

He wasn’t the only one appreciating what Ai did. Everyone else at the pond stared in shock and awe, and when Ai finally came to a rest, finally skating right back to where Yuusaku waited, enthusiastic clapping rose upward. A few people cheered and one or two seemed to want his autograph.

Ai waved one hand gleefully to everyone. He’d changed out of his usual vampire ringmaster outfit to something much more neutral – ordinary pants and a thick sweater in the same dark shade of his hair – and if someone missed his odd pupils, he looked much like any other human. Yuusaku liked that. Ai needed whatever anonymity he could have – which was, of course, why he kept on doing things that made people stare at him.

As much as he tried, Yuusaku thought there would always be parts of Ai that he never understood. But one thing he did grasp very well was how much he enjoyed it as Ai brought him to his feet, slipped his arms around him softly, and brought their lips together.

To Be Continued

Notes: Tomorrow is the final chapter. Technically Hugsaku Week is over but I have a personal prompt I will be using for chapter 6, since I skipped the crossover prompt.

#higuchimon writes #fanfic #hugsaku #ygo vrains #ai x yuusaku #yuusaku x ai #aiballshipping #chapters: in the arms of love

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thehunterwithanangel · 4 years ago

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Not Done Yet A Destiel One Shot for post 15x18 and what I want to happen (but probably wont)

Ship: Destiel (Dean Winchester/Castiel)

Word Count: 4,362

Written by: thehunterwithanangel

Notes/Warnings: Very angsty Dean but ends drowning in fluff, some language

The words played on a loop in Dean’s head for what felt like hours before he could process them, at least that’s how he felt; ‘I love you…’ ‘I love you…’ ‘I love you…’ over and over again.

For a brief moment Dean sat in total denial, there’s no way Cas, his Cas actually just said that, only he did and now he was gone. Dean started to cry, and not just a few tears, he started to sob; at first he told himself it was from the shock, but once that settled and he was still left feeling like somebody had just ripped his heart from his chest, he knew it was more. Dean shut down, as he always did when something highly emotional happened, and next thing he knew Sam and Jack were shaking him back to reality.

Dean wasn’t sure how long he’d been sat there but time was irrelevant to him the moment Cas disappeared into the empty; in fact, nothing at all mattered to him right then because all he could focus on was those three words, still on loop what must actually be hours later. Dean also wasn’t sure how he got back to the bunker, he guessed Sam drove Baby when he realised Dean was in no fit state to drive (he would have to argue with him about that some other time); but here he was, staring at his bedroom ceiling feeling so unfathomably empty, and not the fun ‘give zero fucks’ soulless way, in the way that makes you disconnect from your own body mentally because being in it is just too painful…

Three days went by with Dean staying much of the same way, only really talking to say ‘Cas is gone, the empty took him’ and multiple counts of ‘go away’ and ‘leave me alone’. Dean didn’t eat or drink, he barely even slept because every time he closed his eyes, there was Cas saying ‘I love you…’ all over again; the only time he ever got any sleep was after many hours of disassociating and silent sobbing...

The thing is, even though Dean was clearly devastated, he refused to admit to himself as to why. Why even though he’d lost Cas before, hell, had Cas die before, that this time was different; in the back of his mind he knew, of course he knew, but admitting to himself he knew only meant opening himself up to more pain right now and he just couldn’t do it, not now…

It had been a month since Cas had been gone, physically Dean was okay again, thanks to many, many, many, attempts to get him being a human again from Sam and Jack; Mentally though, he was still destroyed, still refusing to talk about Cas or anything that happened that day, and despite pushing him a couple times, the others knew it wasn’t going to work, he would talk when he was ready, if he was ever ready.

It had gotten to the point that the others wondered if Dean had completely repressed what had happened though, because his level of fine-ness was almost too much. Little did they know it was quite the opposite.

A normal day, normal routine, normal conversations, everything was normal to everyone, except Dean. Dean felt almost itchy as he could feel the pain clawing it’s way back to the surface, ready to ruin him again; and his time he didn’t know if he would survive it. So Dean made some excuse about needing pie and took off driving, maybe if he could distract himself with Baby long enough he could push away the hurt once more; at least that was his plan…

For a couple hours it worked. He kept his feelings at bay and enjoyed the road, but then it happened, an otherwise fun energetic song kicked up from his radio, a song he’d loved to annoy Sam with before, a song he played after they had a successful hunt for example; but now all it carried was pain because this wasn’t just his feel good song, it had become Cas’ too, and that hit way too close to home for Dean. In a split second he slammed on his breaks, shut off the radio, and froze, tears pouring down his face as his hands gripped tightly to the steering wheel, while he tried to hold on to his okay reality for just a little longer. It didn’t work.

Dean’s body was shaking so hard from the uncontrollable sobbing that every muscle hurt, he gasped for air as the sobs stole the air from his lungs, his vision so blurred from all the tears he wasn’t even sure if he was conscious anymore; and then he said it, the thing he’d been pushing away for weeks, even years if he was being totally honest with himself, out in fuck-knows-where USA, a complete and utter wreck, barely able to function let alone speak, but the words find their way out of his mouth regardless:

“I love you too Cas” Dean choked out, his voice ruined from all the crying. For a fleeting moment Dean hoped Cas could hear him, could know that even though he may be trapped in the empty, he is still so loved by Dean.

Dean cursed at himself once the words left his mouth, not because he regretted saying them, but because it had taken each of them so damn long to just say it! The truth was Dean always knew deep down but was so scared of losing what they had, he never said anything. ‘Chuck must be laughing at me right now’ he thought; I mean how ironic that he realised he didn’t say it as to not lose Cas after losing Cas…

Some time later Dean had recomposed himself and while he still felt shattered, that was accompanied with a new sense of determination.

“I love you Cas and somehow, some way, I’m gonna bring you home” Dean said assuredly to himself before shifting Baby into drive and speeding back to the bunker (probably much faster than was anywhere close to safe). He could do this.

Meanwhile at the bunker everyone was freaking out trying to find Dean; it had been about eight hours since he had ‘left to get pie’, he wasn’t answering his phone, which was going straight to voice-mail, no hints, no notes, nothing; and based on Dean’s current mental health everyone was on edge fearing he’d done something dumb and reckless.

Dean stopped off at a rest stop to get snacks when the thought crossed his mind he should probably turn his phone back on. He hadn’t meant to go MIA, he just had a lot on his mind and he needed one less thing to think about for a while, which accidentally turned into a long while. Once his phone was rebooted, a pang of guilt shot through him, he was greeted by missed calls from pretty much every single person he knew, and even a couple numbers he didn’t recognise; in total there were at least a couple hundred calls, though Dean didn’t bother to count after the first 50 or so, it was a lot regardless.

“Ah shit.” Dean muttered to himself as he walked back to his car “I should say something to Sam at least” Dean decided before sending a quick ‘I’m fine omw home now’ text to Sam. His chest tightened in fear, or joy, Dean wasn’t sure, at the thought of having to tell Sam what had happened with Cas and how Dean felt and how he had to get him back, yikes, definitely not something you say over text; Dean laughed at the thought of sending a text that was just ‘hey bro btw Cas said he loved me and I love him too so we’re getting him back’ and the chaotic side of him almost did it, but he knew it was going to be more complicated than that so thought better of it. Another thing that made him laugh was Sam’s text back

‘Good, when you’re back I’m going to kill you :)’

He wouldn’t actually kill him obviously but Dean could feel the passive aggressiveness though his phone and he knew Sam was pissed.

A few hours and Dean was pulling into the bunker and swinging open the door, very shortly followed by Sam slapping him across the back of the head.

“Do you have any idea--!” Sam began but to angry to finish “You couldn’t be bothered to turn your phone on sooner--!” He tried again “What the hell Dean!?” He yelled before pulling Dean into a tight hug.

“Sorry, lost track of time…” Dean said matter-of-factly

“Lost track of….Unbelievable” Sam muttered shaking his head in disbelief. The was a brief moment of pure silence and Dean held his breath, knowing Sam was about to lose it. “YOU DISAPPEAR FOR LIKE NINE HOURS AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS YOU LOST TRACK OF TIME!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!? DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU THAT THE FACT YOU WERE DEPRESSED AFTER CAS AND THEN JUST VANISHED COULD BE WORRYING!?!?” Sam yelled; it wasn’t very often he was legitimately mad at Dean, but right now, he definitely was.

“I’m sorry! Look I’ll explain, but not until you agree to stop yelling” Dean pleaded; Sam took a deep breath.

“Okay okay I’m calm now what is it?” Sam asked

“I…” Dean started, his voice shaking “Okay uh, first I need whiskey.” He decided, heading to their bar area; he was going to need some liquid courage to say it to other people, hell, it took him over a decade to admit it to himself. “Okay I…” nope that wasn’t it, he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He could do this. He decided it was better to say it all at once because saying it was the hardest part. “When Cas got taken by the empty it wasn’t totally random apparently he made a deal to save Jack and this was his price only it wasn’t just about him being taken that I was freaking out” Dean explained pausing to breathe “Before it took him he had this big speech about how I’m the reason he cares about anyone, how saving me opened him up to being able to feel and how I’m a better person than I think I am” Dean continued, paraphrasing, because even though that whole speech was burned into his memory forever, that was a big deal for him and Cas and he wasn’t about to share every detail. There was one thing he had to tell them though, or they’d never understand why he acted the way he did. “…He also told me he loved me and it felt way more like an ‘I’m in love with you’ than not and so I was freaking out because holy shit what and then I froze” Dean paused as a lump formed in his throat and tears welled in his eyes as his heart filled with regret all over again. “I…I should’ve said something, done something, I shouldn’t have just stood there, especially because the next second he was pushing me out of the way of the empty…I should’ve saved him…” Dean rambled, choking back tears at the last phrase. A heavy silence hung in the air as neither Sam nor Jack knew if they should speak first or if Dean had more to share; eventually Sam spoke up.

“At least he’s gone knowing he saved Jack though right? And took out Billie” Sam pointed out trying to find the silver lining. Dean breathed out a laugh as few tears finally fell; his head falling into his hands.

“But I didn’t get to say it back” Dean said quietly, his head still pointed at the floor

“What?” Sam and Jack said in unison, Dean looked up at them, eyes still full of tears

“I didn’t get to say it back.” Dean repeated, louder this time, more sure of his words. “I wanted to say it back but he was gone before I could so I shut down” Dean added, his heart pounding because he actually did it, he told them; he watched them for a moment trying to gauge a reaction. For a while nothing happened and Dean wondered if he’d actually said it or not, but then Sam and Jack looked at each other, then began grinning and laughing lightly. Dean blinked a few times, confused.

“Well it’s about. damn. time.” Sam said shaking his head laughing

“W-What…?” Dean asked

“Dean we’ve known for years” Jack explained casually, Dean did a double take at that.

“And nobody thought to mention it!?”

“Well no…we figured you’d tell us you were together eventually…” Sam told him to which Dean’s mouth fell open.

“Well guess what I didn’t even realise how I felt until he was gone so thanks for that!” Dean informed them, his tone kind of harsh because he could’ve avoided a lot of pain if they had said something sooner.

“Oh…Oh no” Jack said, his hand moving swiftly to cover his mouth

“Oh we screwed up bad” Sam said, more to himself

“You can make up for it by helping me get him back” Dean told them bluntly

“Dean…how..? I mean every other time it was Chuck or Jack but Jack is powerless and Chuck definitely isn’t going to…” Sam pointed out

“I don’t know Sammy but after everything we’ve been though I have to try everything I can, he has to know I love him too” Dean replied frantically

“Dean…He knew. Even if he didn’t hear you say it, he knew” Jack assured him

“Even if he did I refuse to let the time I want him back the most to be the one time it doesn’t happen”

“Okay, where do we start?” Sam asked and with that they set about making a plan to bring Cas home.

They tried every lead, every contact, every spell, nothing worked. Dean was so defeated, this was so unfair. Jack also spiralled over how if it wasn’t for him Cas never would have made the deal to which Sam and Dean assured him that Cas would’ve made that choice for either of them too. Two months went by and it was time to focus on the bigger picture…

“If I can’t get Cas back I’m damn sure gonna rain hell upon Chuck at least!” Dean exclaimed confidently as he set another shotgun on the bunker tables.

“What is that now? Seventeen?” Sam questioned glancing over the arsenal Dean had gathered.

“Yup. And I got the flame thrower up and running again so I can watch him burn.” Dean confirmed. Sam would admit this side of Dean scared him a little but who can blame Dean after everything? So he let it go.

It was one hell of a fight but in the end they won! They may have had a few broken bones and definitely some new scars, but at least they made the son of a bitch pay.

Two days later and the boys were still riding the high of victory, drinking, laughing, generally having fun; and then Dean’s phone rang.

“Hello?” Dean picked up, puzzled, it was a number he didn’t recognise. The person on the other end spoke briefly and it made all the colour drain from Dean’s face.

“Dean?” Sam prompted with no response. Tears started pouring from Dean’s eyes and both Sam and Jack stood there bewildered

“Uh huh, yep, on our way” Dean told the person before hanging up, clearly not really registering what he was saying. After he hung up his phone dropped out of his hand and he fell to the floor sobbing.

“Dean!?” Sam repeated, more urgently this time; it took him a minute but Dean eventually replied.

“He’s back Sammy! He’s back!” Dean exclaimed between sobs

“Who…? Chuck!?” Sam asked suddenly panicked, relieved when Dean shook his head no

“Cas.” Dean told him simply

“WHAT!?” Sam and Jack both yelled

“How is that possible?!?!” Jack asked, still kind of yelling

“I don’t know but whatever the reason he said it makes his head hurt to think about so it was better in person” Dean informed them “So c’mon!” Dean added as he practically dragged them out of the bunker.

A few hours later and they were at the location Cas gave. Dean couldn’t believe they’d actually made it; the entire drive he was either hyperventilating or his heart was pounding or both; he had fully given up hope but there he was driving to Cas, his Cas. The three of them walked around the area Cas pointed them to, looking for him, and after a couple of minutes both Sam and Jack stopped walking and stood still which Dean looked perplexed at until he heard him and his heart stopped for a moment.

“Hello Dean.” A voice rang out over the cold winter wind. Dean whipped around sharply to see Cas looking warmly at him, without hesitation Dean ran to him, hugging him with so much force he nearly knocked them both over. “Dean I…” Cas began to say but Dean interrupted him.

“I love you” Dean told him, the words rolling off his tongue as if he’d said them a thousand times; which to be fair, he had in his head over the last few months. Cas stared at Dean dumbfounded and Dean laughed lightly because this must be how Cas felt after he told Dean he loved him. Dean decided that he needed to be stronger with his admission of love. He placed his hand on Cas’ cheek with his thumb under Cas’ chin, and tilted Cas’ head up slightly so that Cas was looking him in the eyes “I love you” Dean repeated, this time putting more emphasis on his words so that Cas knew he meant it.

“Really?” Cas asked as tears welled in his eyes, to which Dean nodded. “Are you sure you mean it the same way I do? Because I mean I get if you mean it in a family way I just…I don’t…” Cas rambled

“Cas” Dean prompted, startling Cas a little by how close he suddenly was, their foreheads touching, Dean’s hand still on Cas’ cheek. “I know…” Dean assured him, his voice barely a whisper, which made Cas’ breath hitch in his throat involuntarily. Dean smirked slightly which made Cas look down at Dean’s lips and Dean could almost hear Cas thinking ‘kiss me’ and so he did.

The first second or so Cas couldn’t move, completely shocked that Dean actually made the move, but after that he relaxed into it, savouring the moment he’d waited a lifetime (or in his case several lifetimes) for.

“I love you” Cas said softly after they pulled apart. Dean’s heart felt like it flipped at that moment, there was a time he thought he’d never hear those words, coming out of Cas’ mouth, again

“And I love you” Dean reiterated

They stood there hugging for a few minutes, oblivious to the world around them, before someone broke the silence

“Listen this is really sweet and everything but Dean you have the car keys and it is freezing out here can you at least toss them over so Jack and I don’t freeze to death!?” Sam called from back over by the car.

“Oh oops!” Dean said, mainly to Cas, before turning and throwing Sam the keys, feeling his back vibrate as Cas laughed against it.

“You know…we should probably get out of the cold too” Cas told Dean

“But I like our little warm bubble” Dean whined

“Don’t you wanna know how I’m back?” Cas asked, Dean inhaled sharply; in all the joy of Cas being back and getting to hold him and kiss him, Dean had completely forgotten about the how he ended up there “I’ll take that as a yes” Cas said, before he moved around Dean to head back to the car, only to be stopped a couple of steps after by Dean who took his hand. It was a small thing but Cas could swear if Dean hadn’t been holding onto him he would’ve melted. So many times Cas had wanted to do this, a simple touch, a brush of fingers; so small and yet so important. After so many years telling himself he can’t let himself crave connection like that, to finally to not only admit he wanted it, but to actually get it, felt incredible. He glanced at Dean who responded by holding his hand a little tighter as if to say ‘I know what I’m doing and I want to do it’ so Cas just smiled and they walked hand in hand back to the car where Sam and Jack were sat grinning at them from the back seat.

“Holy crap!” Dean exclaimed as the warm air from the Impala hit him, in that moment realising just how cold he’d become. After a few minutes regulating their body temperatures Dean was ready to know and Cas was ready to tell

“Okay so…The empty took me into oblivion as you know” Cas began, everyone else nodded “So I get there and I’m awake and so I think oh no not this again and sure enough the empty was pissed saying ‘why won’t you just die quietly!?’ and such and this went on for however long I was gone pretty much” Cas continued “and then one day I was being…dragged? Ejected? Out. It was very weird because it wasn’t like I was being carried out, it was like the empty was trying to push me out, kind of like last time only this time I remember it, as well as an overwhelming feeling of ‘you don’t belong here’ then I woke up and have been trying to find my way back to civilization since” Cas explained then looked at the boys expectantly.

“Cas, when did you come back?” Sam asked

“Two days ago, I remember hearing the radio of a car that drove past me and they said the date that was two days ago”

“What the…” Dean said, shocked

“...Cas, two days ago we took out Chuck.” Sam informed him

“Do you think it’s related?”

“You break out of angel/demon hell the same day we kill the most powerful being ever? Yes it’s related! I mean c’mon!” Dean insisted

“But how?” Jack added

They brainstormed for a while but every theory had some kind of fatal flaw and then it hit Jack like a lightning bolt

“Wait wait what if it’s not complicated at all? Cas went to the empty but the empty is for angels and demons who died”

“Right…” the others agreed

“Well Cas didn’t die he was just kind of consumed by it. So what if killing Chuck was some kind of reset that every being in there that didn’t actually die, was thrown out??”

“That actually…makes sense…good job kid!” Dean praised

“But if that’s true what else got let out!?” Sam asked panicked, suddenly Cas froze.

“Billie.” Cas stated coldly

“Shit!” They all collectively yelled in unison. And just like that they all knew they’re not done yet…

Fade to black/credits etc...

#Destiel #destiel fanfic #ooh boy this is long #i had a lot of feelings #mine #text

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