#and like. it's not always gonna be one and done. sometimes you will relapse and it can be for a myriad of reasons

[teruthecreator]

it's six o'clock in the morning and i haven't slept yet so pardon me if i may poke the bear a little but was just peeking at dt ao3 and boy, i really do hope roger relapsing isn't going to be a common fanon angst thing now that the dlcs out...

[stoutguts]

ADHD/neurodivergent 🧼 (💀🧼 too bc why not/it's my comfort ship and I love them)

(chock full of my own personal HCs and ideas, also mental health stuff/issues/problems heyo)

I am most definitely all for autistic Ghost, but what about ADHD brain/neurodivergent Soap? I've seen few people talk about this or explore it so here we go.

Like, even though Johnny's generally laid back, he still tends to be very hyper or high-strung. Maybe even overwhelming for some people, and is easily excited almost like a puppy (golden retriever Soap my beloved), (Ghost thinking it's literally the cutest thing ever). Bro has either the attention span of a nat or is so hyper-focused on something he forgets to blink.

He has APD (auditory processing disorder),—and will ask you to repeat yourself 15+ times before he finally understands what your saying. This is incredibly frustrating for him, but like Price will lose his shit, because having to repeat himself is like one of his pet peeves lmao. Same thing, with Yuri.

Even Ghost and Gaz get fed up with him on occasion. Though Roach doesn’t give a fuck because they’re just as ADHD as him, and just loves to talk, plus their echolalia helps to sort things out lots of times. Gaz will give him the silent treatment and refuse to talk to him. Usually when Simon finally gets irritated with him it's lead to a fight. But it isn't long before Ghost feels bad and apologizes, and reassures him saying "I know you can't help it". Simon tries to work on learning to be more patient specifically for him. 💕

He does the same things that Simon does to stim, (though particularly pacing and bouncing his leg). But he also likes to chew on everything, whether it’s a pen/pencil, a cap off a water bottle or other plastic drink bottle—(This pisses off Simon in particular, and they’re always scolding him about how he’s gonna end up choking on it. Not to mention, he always leaves the nasty ass, spit-covered things around and forgets to throw them away after he’s done with one. Either leaving Ghost to pick up after him much to his disgust, or forcing Johnny to throw his own shit away, (as he should). If he gets ahold one of those spiky silicone balls from an arcade machine he likes to bite the nibs on it, etc. Simon has even bought him some chewlery because he orally stims so much, to which Soap uses all the time and was overjoyed when Ghost first got it for him. Though his chewlery needs to constantly be replaced because Johnny has unusually strong and sharp teeth. It’s not uncommon for him to completely destroy shit that he gets his paws on. Simon often comparing him to a dog or a teething puppy.

I am also totally for Johnny being just as mentally fucked as Ghost.

He’s the four b's, bisexual, bipolar, bilingual, and a bitch.

Like Simon, Johnny has generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), for similar or for maybe even the same reasons as Ghost. Not nearly to the same level of severity, but panic attacks and flashbacks do happen on occasion. As with certain things he's easily triggered.

He also struggles with bipolar disorder and/or severe manic depression. His bipolar tendencies making it incredibly difficult to maintain relationships in his youth, among many other things, (his past drug abuse/addiction only making him worse and more unstable). Though these days he’s medicated and for the most part stable, only sometimes going off his meds, (particularly when he relapses or is heavily triggered by something).

No therapist has ever been able to help Soap, though he does see a psychiatrist regularly.

Mostly for anti-psychotics and other prescription refills and the like, but can vent as much as he likes to them. Either that, or Simon doesn't mind lending an ear to listen when he needs it.

Similar to Ghost, Johnny can have very low self-esteem, but can also be of very high self-esteem, (it fluctuates due to his manic depression). And Simon is more than willing to give him reassurance and comfort, but equally doesn't mind knocking him off his high-horse, and/or, taking down his ego a few pegs if need be. (Which isn't so bad, as Johnny just so happens to have a degradation kink). >:3

Johnny is a highly reserved person, (though he’s able to put on a mask/a show for other people and strangers), and pretty stoic (all things considered), due to his traumatic upbringing. He has a very unhealthy habit of bottling up his emotions until he quite literally explodes, though he's trying to get better about that. But he can’t help but genuinely let his guard down, and has LEARNED to let his guard down around Ghost, the 1-4-1, and his sisters (the most important people in his life).

This tidbit has less to do with mental health and rather his personality but I still wanted to include it here so…

Soap is highly perceptive and emotionally intelligent. You can't hide anything from him as he can always tell when someone's lying to him, and he always knows when something's wrong. A true empath. He's also a very good liar himself because of this, but he uses this secret power responsibly, and would never lie to those closest to him and/or his loved ones.

All members of the 1-4-1 having highly specific phobias? Yes please.

As for Johnny…

He is deathly afraid of needles and hospitals (Trypanophobia and Nosocomephobia), because when he was growing up and as a young kid he was quite sickly, and often was in and out of the hospital. He's immunocomprised and gets sicks all the time, most of the time nowadays when he gets sick it's just a small cold, with the occasional illness that may put him out of commission for a bit—Simon always doting over him and making sure he’s okay when he even so much as senses he’s got a runny nose—Johnny finding it incredibly endearing, but when he was a child it was horrible. When he was hospitalized he'd suffer at the hands of doctors and nurses much too often, going through one too many traumatic experiences. Mostly, because of incompetence or just straight up apathy. Getting his IV done is the worst, because he's cursed with almost non-existent and small veins. Oh so jealous, of Ghost's huge and bulging veins. Someone will stick him upwards of 10 times or more, or until his arms are swollen, until they finally get it right usually. Not to mention, Johnny also has Hemophilia, and so he bleeds a lot which only makes it even more distressing. Soap specifically underwent medical and first-aid training, just so he could avoid going to medical himself as much as possible. His medical knowledge and training has happened to pay off lots of times in the field, for himself or for his teammates or squad’s sakes. Despite his aversion, he's not squeamish at all when it comes to mending his own wounds, or others weirdly enough. Even if he's severely injured he refuses to go to medical. Simon used to get really mad at him for this, because of not only his stubbornness, but seemingly his cockiness was what really pissed him off. And they know Johnny’s skills only go so far, and he's immunocomprised and a hemophiliac for crying out loud. Eventually Ghost confronted him about this, and after Soap explained everything it was a lot more understanding and sympathetic. Though it didn’t change the fact that it will borderline harass him if he’s seriously hurt and won’t go help himself, or just straight up force him to go to medical. Johnny always protests but ultimately he gives in, and Simon makes sure to give him emotional support and stay with him when he needs patched up.

Thank you for reading my ramblings, next post will be about my take on Ghost, his mental health, his autism, etc, probably!

[vincess-princess]

we, the psychos

ch. 4

Word count: 2253 Warnings: - A/N: i always knew this fic is destined to be continued. the only question was when.

“You are a fool, Sixx,” Mick said tiredly as he sat down onto the bed where Nikki lay. “Plain and simple.”

“I know,” Nikki sighed, looking down at his bandaged legs and his right hand that had acquired three brand new stitches. It won’t be soon until he can squeeze his fist properly. “I just… you know how it goes. The first cut, you get scared. And then it’s down the emotional rollercoaster. Have you ever been on a rollercoaster, Mick?”

“Barely heard about it,” Mick said. “Is that something Russian-related?”

“Me neither. I’d like to take a ride on there. You’re up in the air – and then you’re falling, but it’s safe falling, it won’t hurt you. Because every time I fall, I end up in the med wing.” He waved at his bandaged legs. “And yeah, I think it’s something Russian-related. Not sure how. Could you get me a book here, Mick?”

“You know Dr. Duren won’t allow that,” Mick shook his head. “He’s already mad at you, I think. It’s been weeks since your last relapse – you made progress, and now this.”

“Oh, don’t you chastise me too!” Nikki rolled his eyes. “I couldn’t, okay? I couldn’t. I was thinking. And it always ends bad.”

“About what?”

Nikki turned away from him and said nothing.

“About what, Nikki?” Mick stretched out his hand, gripped Nikki’s chin and turned his face towards himself to look him in the eyes. Then realization dawned on him.

”Don’t say it’s that Wharton bastard!” he groaned. “You said it was over! You were done! What did he do to you? What did he say?”

Nikki looked away, lips sealed tight, afraid Mick will feel the bitterness filling his mouth.

“You quarreled?” Mick insisted, putting one hand on Nikki’s thigh and squeezing it slightly, making him wince. “What else that was now?”

Nikki swallowed forcefully. He wished nothing of his affair with Vince leaked to the rest of the asylum, but Wharton liked to brag, sometimes overlooking basic safety measures. He could be sure Mick wouldn’t tell anyone, but how long will it be before other patients or, God forbid, nurses suspect something?

“What was that, Nikki?” Mick shook his leg. “You wanna stay silent and keep wallowing in your misery or figure out what to do together?”

“Definitely the second,” Nikki curved his mouth into a bitter smile. “My, well, situation with Vin- with Wharton is none of your business. I appreciate the concern, though.”

“Oh no, that’s where you’re wrong,” Mick looked so indignant Nikki had to hold back a laugh. He’d never seen old man redden as much. “It is exactly my business, and you know why? Because I don’t wanna go to your funeral, and don’t you even hope I waste my money on a wreath for you. You get me?”

“Yeah, yeah. The usual threats.”

“You damn better believe them!” Mick rose from his chair and crossed the room, standing in front of a barred window. “You don’t wanna tell me anything – fine. I’ll find out myself. I heard Wharton is in a padded cell now, but once he’s out you bet I’m gonna ask him. And he ain’t gonna get rid of me that easy.”

Oh god. Mick considered it above himself to speak to Vince, but once he set up on something he was unstoppable. Nikki couldn’t allow him to intervene in their relationship.

“I’ll speak to him myself,” Nikki said hurriedly. “We have some things to resolve. And them I’m gonna be good. I promise.”

Mick smiled. “Now you’re talking different.” Damn manipulator. He knew how to force Nikki to do what he didn’t want to do, and used it constantly. For Nikki’s sake, of course, but what Nikki needed and what Mick thought Nikki needed were vastly different things. “You do that right when he gets out, and tell me how it went later.”

“Sure, sure.” Whatever Vince was gonna say was definitely not what Mick would wanna hear. Nikki needed to invent some palatable lie after their talk.

“Alright.” Mick turned to Nikki. “I’m gonna work the med wing for one more week. You need to come for bandaging again in two days, then in a week we’ll be removing stitches if everything goes well. After that you won’t have any allies here anymore, and the local nurses don’t really bother caring for self-harmers like you. So you better keep your hands to yourself. Got me?”

“I appreciate everything you did for me, Mick.”

“Sure you do! Now, I’ve still got a couple patients to attend. Off you go.”

“Thanks again.”

“Yeah, don’t mention it.”

Walking was painful – the bandages grinded on stitches and irritated them. Maybe it would be better to take them off altogether – when the wounds would close enough to not bleed through his pants randomly. Which they yet haven’t.

A nurse escorted Nikki to his ward. He used to share it, but his cellmates didn’t like his pacing and talking when manic, so he was transferred. Now he almost missed those manic spells – at least he was feeling great about himself during them. But the last one was seven months ago, and since then it’s only been deeper and deeper into the darkness.

On the other hand, he was manic when he and Vince decided to hook up the first time. Weren’t for that, he’d never approach the sex-obsessed narcissistic ticking bomb that Vince was. Nikki knew him better now, and that description fit even more.

He stayed in his cell until lunch, when Dr. Duren was to see him. It was boring inside, and the stitches began to itch underneath the bandages. Nikki knew better than to scratch them with his nails, but it was extremely hard to keep his hands away. The couple hours he had to wait seemed an eternity.

Hudson came to escort him.

“Yeah, man, you’re in deep,” he told Nikki right off the bat. “Dr. Duren is very disappointed.”

“Thanks, that’s very encouraging,” Nikki muttered. “What’s it gonna be?”

“No idea.” Hudson shrugged. “C’mon. He’s already pissed today. Heard what Wharton did?”

God, what was it again?

“No, I wasn’t at breakfast, remember?”

“Oh, if I’m gonna remember where all of you bastards were and when I’ll have no memory left for my stuff.” Hudson waited until Nikki shuffled out of his ward and closed the door. Together they headed down the hall. “He got in a fight! Again! And that’s right after being released from the padded cell! The fucking audacity!”

Nikki’s heart skipped a bit. “He sure has enough of that. Who was the sorry fellow?”

“The newbie. You probably haven’t seen him yet. Looked feeble, but did pack Wharton a punch.”

Was that the laughing guy? Nikki didn’t dwell on it much, though. Vince’s fate was much more interesting to him.

“And what of him?”

“He’s back to his ward. Duff said it’s real fancy, with curtains and carpet and all. Who even is that guy?”

“No, I mean Wharton.”

“Oh, him? Probably back to the padded cell. Simmons talked some about a cold shower too. Maybe that will bring him back to his senses.”

Vince underwent such “therapy” at least on a monthly basis, and it kept him relatively docile for a couple weeks after. So docile that he didn’t even want to fuck, which was always alarming. Nikki didn’t like him docile. That wasn’t what he liked him for.

“Don’t you think it just makes him worse? Being treated like that?”

Hudson looked at Nikki like he was cra- oh, right.

“C’mon, Feranna. You’re a smart guy. You should understand that some patients simply do not understand humane approach. It’s the nature of their illness. They only respect those that can show who calls the shots here. And people who treat them well – they just use them.”

Nikki knew that, yes. But Vince wasn’t like that. Or rather, he was, usually. But not with Nikki.

Or maybe Nikki was just fooling himself as usual, and Wharton just used him like Hudson said. Who knows.

Nikki pushed the thought in the back of his mind. He had other problems now. They stood in front of Dr. Duren’s door.

“I’m fucked?” Nikki half-asked Hudson.

“Thoroughly,” the nurse said honestly. “Well, in you go. I’ll wait here to escort you to the canteen afterwards.”

Nikki nodded and knocked on the door. His hand slightly shook, and he clenched it into a fist.

“Come in,” he heard. Nikki inhaled and walked in.

***

It had rained, and the garden looked especially unappealing this cold autumn day. What month was it, October? It hadn’t snowed yet, but it was already getting dark before dinner. Yeah, probably mid-October.

Mick had lost count of days long ago. It was all approximate now: snow fell first in mid-November and melted in April, the first birdsong came in March (Mick could hear it because he usually wasn’t sleeping in early morning), the sun rose before breakfast starting early May. His whole world was based on the asylum routine. It was not bad, really. Brought predictability into life. And Mick preferred to know what would happen in the foreseeable future.

Except sometimes it was disrupted. A patient would leave – some were cured and discharged, some died. The first case, those didn’t usually stay long at the asylum anyway so Mick didn’t really care. The core of the asylum population remained relatively the same for the last couple years – the sickest of the sickest, those that wouldn’t survive on their own or those that would make it hard for everyone else in the outside world. Some of them spent years in the asylum. For them, cure was considered unattainable and the only way out was death.

Mick was one of them – not the worst, though. Staff knew he was one of the calmest, most reasonable ones and were rather lax with him. Doesn’t hurt himself or others? Doesn’t shit his pants or throws plates at others in the canteen? Great patient, no special attention needed.

That’s why no one bat an eye when he wandered away from the main group that was cleaning up the yard from the fallen leaves. Nurse McKagan cast an occasional look in his direction, but that was it.

Now nurse McKagan was occupied talking with a patient. Mick hadn’t seen him here before; more than that, he wasn’t wearing an asylum robe, but rather fancy though simple trousers, an unbuttoned coat hanging loosely off his bony shoulders and a shirt with puffy sleeves underneath it. The sleeves looked ridiculous, but the guy managed to pull it off. He was young, way too young to be here, though Wharton was probably his age. He belonged here as much as a flower belonged on a heap of cow shit.

He was probably the one that arrived in a carriage at night. Mick hadn’t been at breakfast, but he heard the new guy already got into a fight with Wharton. While Wharton deserved that, it didn’t instill much hope in the new guy. He seemed to have gotten off the hook this time – though not without a bruise on his swelled cheekbone.

Well, he beat Wharton’s ass at least, and the bastard truly needed it.

Mick plucked a lone brown leaf off a branch in front of his face. It was always harder in autumn and winter – now everyone could see through the trees circling the asylum territory, and the feeling of an intent gaze on Mick’s skin intensified when outside. He rubbed the spot, but it didn’t go away. It never went away.

Mick tore the leaf into tiny pieces and watched them float to the ground. When he turned around, he saw McKagan right in front of him. He realised it was McKagan a couple moments later, after he already swung a punch.

McKagan yelped indignantly. He dodged at the last moment, and the fist barely grazed him, but it was probably unpleasant anyway.

“Deal! The fuck you doing!”

“Don’t sneak up on me! You know I can’t handle it!” Mick yelled back and breathed in deep to calm his racing heart.

“Alright, fair. I should’ve called you.” McKagan was the only nurse who could ever admit he was wrong, and patients appreciated him for that. Maybe it was because he hadn’t been at the asylum long – a couple of months at this point. He was too kind for this place. Psychos couldn’t handle kindness.

“What do you want?” Mick tried to sound friendly, to make up for his bout of aggression, but didn’t succeed much. McKagan didn’t take it too close to heart, though.

“I wanted to show Tommy,” – he pointed at the new guy standing a bit aside, eyeing Mick carefully, - “the grounds, but Stanley is sick today, and we don’t have enough staff to look after the main bunch. You’re a rather reasonable fellow, and you know everything here, so I thought you could show him around.”

“Me?” Of course, Mick was on good terms with most of the stuff, but McKagan definitely had too much confidence in him. Mick was a patient for a reason, after all.

“Yes, you.” The nurse smiled. “I’ll tell him not to sneak up on you.”

Well, that could be interesting. The new guy had hardly talked with anyone so far. Everyone must be dying of curiosity. And Mick here got a chance to learn as much about him as possible.

“Alright,” he said. “Will you introduce us?”

[whumpbug]

whumperless whump event day 5: stealing my breath (give it back) @whumperless-whump-event

wheezing / light-headed

see this post for character information!

caretaker: Cassidy

whumpee: Gene

genuinely decided while writing this about gene having asthma. it flares up in situations like this or when he's sick. Good Whump Content......

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

Sometimes, Gene wondered how people lived before having horses.

This sucked.

He silently cursed Sheriff Caufield for being the lazy bastard he was.

Gene was responsible for tracking down and arresting some members of Montana’s gang that had robbed a train car about 2 days ago. Rumor had it that the gang splintered off in order to hide, and were going to regroup in just a week. That meant it was now or never to try and find some of the more notorious offenders and lock them up for good.

The trouble was that the particular lead Gene had been sent to follow was up a complicated and winding mountain trail.

Now, Calliope was a very well trained and easy-going horse. That did not mean that she was scare-proof. If something startled her up there on the trail, and she bucked Gene off, the chance of him falling right down the side of the mountain was too high for comfort. 

So, he was forced to foot it up the steep trail.

And it was miserable.

Gene considered himself a fit man. He sort of had to be, with his line of work and all. Still, he was not this fit and he felt seconds away from toppling over on this damn hike.

One foot in front of the other. Come on, Delaney.

He used a stray root as a handle and hoisted himself up over a small ledge for what felt like the millionth time. He started to wonder if he was even going the right way.

He stole a quick glance at the sun and saw that it had hardly moved from the last time he checked.

He groaned.

Surely, it wouldn’t hurt to sit for a few moments. The smoke trail he’d been following had been steadily growing closer. If he rested now, he’d probably feel right as rain once he barged into the makeshift camp, and he’d probably perform a whole lot better too.

Without giving it too much more thought, he plunked down against a large rock to give himself some semblance of coverage, tilting his head back and trying to catch his breath.

Apparently, it was easier said than done.

Unfortunately, the unceremonious way he lowered himself to the ground kicked up dust all around him, and it was quickly becoming harder and harder to breathe around the particles.

Also, for some reason, his panting wasn’t seeming to slow down. On the contrary, his breathing only seemed to become more erratic.

He suddenly paled when a thought crossed his mind.

When he was a little boy, he remembered being rushed to the doctor after he caught a cold once. He had been struggling to breathe, and his mother didn’t know what else to do.

The doctor had told them that it had been something called an asthma attack. He said that Gene would likely outgrow it, but to be careful, because under the right circumstances, he could always relapse.

This sure as hell seemed like the "right circumstances". 

Gene scrambled to sit up, thumping at his chest with a fist in an attempt to get some air.  Strangled coughs left his mouth, returning as grating wheezes. He would have cursed if he could. 

He tried to cough again, he tried to do anything that would open his airways somehow, but it was no use. It felt like he was breathing through a straw-- like his body was simply going through the motions of inhaling without taking in any air.

He silently wondered if this was how he was going to die. There was no one around for miles except the very group of people that wanted him dead. The odds didn’t seem to be in his favor.

Still, he struggled valiantly for oxygen as black dots danced around his vision. He suddenly felt the strange sensation of his entire body tingling. He wheezed harder.

••••

“I’m gonna go check if there's anything useful down the mountain. I ain't gonna be far. Holler if you hear anything,” Cassidy called out, tucking his revolver into his hip holster and beginning down the rough trail.

The gang’s current situation was… less than ideal. The train job had gone south, and Montana made the quick decision to have everyone split up.

Cassidy ended up with mostly the women and children. He supposed Montana wanted someone he trusted with the less skilled gunslingers.

That was Montana; always thinking two steps ahead. If he trusted Cassidy enough to take care of all these people, then by God he was gonna do it.

And that started with investigating the strange sound coming from down the trail.

Cassidy hadn’t said anything earlier. He didn’t want to scare the little ones, but he was quite certain there was a dying bobcat or coyote or something just a few minutes down, and there was no way in hell he was gonna let it near his camp.

He carefully skidded down a ledge and hopped onto a little patch of dirt. The sound was getting louder now, and he reached a hand down to his hip.

He whipped out his gun as he rounded the corner, aiming it towards the sound and--

In front of him was, in fact, not a dying animal, but the last person Cassidy had expected (or wanted) to see.

And something was very wrong.

Gene was leaned back against a rock, hands clutching frantically at his chest. His eyes were wide and panicked, blinking rapidly as if trying to clear his vision. The worst part, though, were the sickly wheezes and gasps that left him. His lips were tinged pale blue as he fought for every breath he took.

“Shit, Delaney,” Cassidy hissed, crashing to his knees beside the deputy. Deft hands quickly unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt as Cassidy yanked him up to a sitting position.

Cassidy knew what this was. He was no stranger to these kinds of attacks. One of the younger boys in the gang had severe asthma as well. Cassidy was in charge of periodically stealing asthma cigarettes from the doctor when they went into town and--

Right. The box must be at camp.

“Alright, stay right here. I’ll be right back, okay?”

Gene’s eyes flashed with fear, a plea of “don’t leave me.” Another high-pitched wheeze escaped his lips, almost sounding like a word.

“S’lver,” Gene managed, trying to grab at his wrist.

“I know, I know. I’m gonna help. I ain’t gonna leave you. Just gimme a second, would ya?” He huffed, before sprinting away.

Ms. Holly, one of the mothers at camp, stepped forward when she saw Cassidy running to her tent like a maniac.

“Now just what exactly did you see out there-- what are you doing going through my boy’s stuff?!”

“Can’t talk,” was all Cassidy could manage before emerging with the box of cigarettes.

Her further questions were cut off by Cassidy bolting out and back down the mountain.

“Now what in the hell was that about?” She murmured.

Cassidy practically flew down the mountain this time, not caring about watching his step. He found Gene easily, but noted with horror that his wheezes were quieter now-- they were weaker. 

“You’re gonna owe me big time, cowboy,” Cassidy remarked, sparking up his lighter and lighting one of the medicated cigarettes.

Gene was flagging now, eyes glassy and unfocused. He hardly even reacted to Cassidy kneeling beside him and propping him up once again.

Cassidy carefully pressed the cigarette to Gene’s lips, stabilizing him with a gentle hand on his chest.

“C’mon, y’damn idiot, you gotta puff,” Cassidy urged, patting Gene’s chest lightly.

Gene coughed slightly, and attempted to do as he was told. He took a small, sputtering drag of the cigarette, coughing at the bitter taste of the smoke.

“Good, that’s real good. I know it tastes as foul as sin, but it’ll help you. Just keep goin’” Cassidy soothed, his voice surprisingly gentle.

After a few more choked drags from the cigarettes, the color began to return to Gene’s face. He was still wheezing, but he felt like he was actually taking some air in instead of just spasming. 

Cassidy hadn’t noticed that his hand was rubbing up and down the deputy’s spine the entire time.

When Gene's airways finally opened up enough to take a full breath, he collapsed listlessly against Cassidy, panting for sweet oxygen. He looked utterly spent.

“S’lver,” He coughed, reaching up to catch his wrist. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, don’t mention it." His eyes flitted up in the direction of the camp. "I assume this means you’ll turn a blind eye to this?”

Gene nodded, letting his eyes fall shut. He didn’t give a damn what the sheriff would say, he was just grateful to be alive.

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

[myfairkatiecat]

Keefe (for bingo)

AHELDHKAUSHDKJAAHJSSHAKSBDKHSKSDSHAJAHDLDUSBSKSJSHALSHDHSKA

OK I CONTRADICTED MYSELF A LOT SO LET ME EXPLAIN

this is my favorite character of all time in any media, right up there with Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars, Nicholas & Nathaniel Benedict from TMBS (showverse) and Lancelot from bbc Merlin. Actually probably slightly above all those characters which is SAYING SOMETHING.

Is he comic relief? Yes.

Would I be his friend? Yes.

Has he done nothing wrong? Yes!! No he’s done many things wrong he’s so precious to me ok but the law he’s broken the law I love him so much he literally betrayed his friends I will always love him he has sooo much to answer for I’m glad Sophie forgives him after she chews him out she should chew him out longer but I suppose Fitz does that for her He has so many apologies to make but like he’s also done nothing wrong look I’m aware of my blorbo’s mistakes he’s honestly not as problematic as the tumblr fandom makes him out to be sometimes, and I MEAN that, but he’s also not as perfect and sweet as the eleven year olds on Wattpad make him out to be. He’s a LOT okay, you can’t analyze Keefe Sencen without the everything

Are my opinions unpopular? Yep! The other keefe girlies hate my opinions bc I acknowledge his character flaws and the Keefe haters hate my opinions bc I acknowledge the fact that he’s NOT an antagonist and actually has a lot of really good traits, and that’s NOT me making excuses. Also what are y’all on about saying he doesn’t get held accountable for his actions, like yeah Sophie forgives him pretty fast but not until she’s yelled at him, and the rest of his friends do NOT bounce back to normal (Fitz)

Do I relate to him? Yes, unfortunately. I have Fitz’s trauma and Keefe’s coping mechanisms (they aren’t good coping mechanisms but they’re literally mine)

Is the fandom wrong about him? Yes, the Keefe fans and Keefe haters alike. Don’t flatten this guy there’s SO MUCH THERE. (I’m not talking about my Keefe-negative mutuals—if I follow you, you didn’t flatten his character, I am very serious about Keefe Sencen)

Do I want to adopt him? YES I mean I’m literally his age but if I was old enough to adopt him I totally would, get that kid away from Cassius Sencen and kill Gisela Sencen. Honestly tho I’d settle for an Elwin adoption, dad!Elwin rocks

Did he need less screen time? *sighs in resigned Keefe fan* probably…objectively…yes…

Did canon do him dirty? I debated filling in this one. Because Shannon has made him a SUPER complex character. But also I swear if the ending of stellarlune isn’t the last time he steals something from Sophie to carry out a reckless plan he told no one about, I’ll riot. Don’t give him forward character progress and then erase it! If it’s a momentary relapse of bad habits I’ll allow it but I’m starting to want Shannon to let Keefe grow from all of that. Cause she keeps letting him get better—and then slip back. (Which isn’t unrealistic and I can work with!! I love him! But SHANNON PLEASE)

Do I want to study him? I want to get a full on PhD in this guy’s character arc actually

Did he need more screen time? Heh. Uh. Objectively NO. But also this amount of page time has allowed us to learn so much about his character complexities?? Like I’m torn between missing the other characters and eating up his character arc. Currently I’m gonna hope book 10 expands the other characters more bc I need more of them and 9.5 can feed my Keefe brain

Would I hit him with a golf cart? Listen my friend made this bingo game (hi Bods, if you’re reading this) and I know exactly what the actual intention was behind this square. But like. I want to slightly run into him with a golf cart. Just enough to slightly injure him and make him rethink his life choices (affectionate) (actually in the words of@phtalogreenpoison “I’d like to microwave Keefe. Just shortly”)

Does he need therapy? OH MY GOSH YES. I have thought this about other characters but SPECIFICALLY KEEFE HOLY GUACAMOLE GET THAT GUY THERAPY

Is he insane? Define insane. But I love him anyway (what is going on in his head half the time 😭)

Am I rotating him in my head 24/7? WELL YOU’VE READ THE POST WHAT DO YOU THINK

Do I have so many headcanons? Oh you guys don’t know the half of it. I have. So. Many. SO MANY

Is he wasted potential? Uhhhh I have too many thoughts on this to actually put it on this post. Genuinely love what Shannon’s doing with his character, like I said. But at some point she needs to. Address the things. Or he just becomes a guy with all these complications introduced that just kinda sit there and continue to change and grow and Keefe is the complex character to end all complex characters but Shannon you need to DO SOMETHING WITH THE MASTERPIECE OF A CHARACTER THAT YOU HAVE CREATED

The amount of bingos holy moly

Anyway

Keefe means a lot to me

Thanks for the ask anon!

[eddiemunsons-missingnipple]

Pairings: Older Rockstar!Eddie munson x fem!reader

Summary: Based on this, imagine i posted a few months ago. I'm gonna make this an older rockstar!eddie x reader fic, where he still has no idea how phones work.

Warnings: suggestive language. Mention of past drug addiction. Both Eddie and reader are older in this if you don't like that then don't read it.

A/n: pretty short and not proofread

Eddie has had his fair share of scandals in his past. There was his 2 month marriage that he didn't even know about. Apparently, he got married in Vegas when he was too intoxicated and didn't remember it. He found out when he went to go Marry his second wife, and that was a sight to behold. Then it was his rehab stint when he was only 24, having done the whole 90-step program. After that, he vowed to stay clean and meet a nice girl, maybe even settle down.

That's when he saw you and immediately fell in love. He was flipping through his TV late one night and stumbled upon an episode of headbangers ball. Your band was being interviewed by the host about your new album being released soon. Eddie took notice of you when the camera kept panning over at you. He noticed your shy smile and soft voice, only speaking up when spoken to. He watched the entire thing, hoping to hear you laugh again.

You were a bass player in a riotgrrl group from Seattle. Your band emerged with other similar groups like Hole, Bikini Kill, and Babes in toyland. He fell in love instantly, having called his managers and demanding to know you. He even went as far as to have your band tour with Corroded Coffin so he could get to know you.

At first, you'll admit you weren't too thrilled to have Eddie Munson follow you around like a lost puppy. After parties, he'd follow you around and get you whatever you wanted. You knew about his reputation and all of the scandalous things he's done. You were hesitant to give him a shot worried he might hurt you. Eventually, you caved and went on that date he would ask you on every time he saw you.

The two of you became inseparable after that first date. Eddie was the type that told you he was in love with you after a few weeks of dating, and he meant it. He wore his heart out on his sleeve, always looking for love. A true hopeless romantic. Even with two failed marriages and a string of girlfriends, he finally found the one.

Being with Eddie wasn't easy he relapsed a few times and had a wandering eye for others when he was high. He tried to be a better man for you, but sometimes life got too hard. With both of you in popular bands, it was hard to really focus on the relationship. Some how though you both made it through it and are still together almost 30 years later. He still looks at you the same way he did when he first saw you in person. He was completely mesmerized like the whole world slowed down, and it was only the two of you left in it.

Which brings you to your situation now. Eddie always liked to express how much he loves you through different ways. He especially loves to spice up your sex life as well. Honestly, it even shocked you that the two of you still go at like horny teenagers. Eddie has always been attracted to you and needed to let you know at all times. He loved you and wanted to remind you of that with any chance he got. That's what got him into trouble this time.

He got a new phone recently and was still having trouble figuring it out. He was hellbent on keeping that old dinosaur he called a blackberry. Sure, they were popular at one time, but they are now obsolete. You told him to just play around with it until he gets the hang of it.

Teasing him, you sent a picture of yourself wearing new lingerie you bought for your anniversary coming up soon. Wanting to tease him and give a little sneak peek at what you had planned for the night. Eddie flips through his apps and tries to figure out what a cloud is and taps his messages to see you half naked. His eyes bug out, and he smiled, getting an idea to do the same. He figured if you were gonna tease him, he was gonna do the same.

Heading into your master bathroom he fists his already semi hard cock pumping it up and down until it was fully hard. Putting the hem of his muscle tank in his mouth, he takes a mirror selfie of himself holding his cock in his large hand. After taking a few pictures and seeing which one deserved to be the one. He decided on the third picture where you can see more details of the veins running along his shaft.

He hits "share now" and doesn't wait for your response. He tosses his phone on the bed after heading to go work out and eat some lunch, not thinking about what he had just done.

About 2 hours later, you were out having lunch with your old band mates discussing a reunion album. The vibration of your phone kept going off, and you tried to ignore it as best as you could. Picking it up, you noticed at least 50 text messages from friends and the rest of the guys from Corroded Coffin.

You saw one message from Jeff saying he needs you to call him it's urgent. Running to a secluded area, you ring him back worried something happened to Eddie.

"Hey, look, I don't know if you have seen what your husband has posted on his Instagram, but you need to look at it and head home fast." He stressed to you.

"Okay, I'll take a look and go check on Eddie. Don't worry. "

You click over to instagram and head to your husband's account, and there plain as day is your husband butt naked with his cock in his fist. He wrote the caption "Cum here often." Shocked at first but once you read the caption you couldn't help but laugh. He probably meant to send that to you and posted it by mistake.

You keep looking at the picture and notice he's also flexing his abs a little. You definitely know he did this in response to the picture you sent him earlier. The picture has now earned over 3 million likes and thousands of comments. Curiosity got the best of you, and you read some of them.

"Why is it looking at me" one comment said.

"Mom can you pick me up I'm scared."

"How does it feel to live my dream 😔" one person said and tagged you in the comment.

"Wow so when he wrote pussy destroyer he won't lying" someone else joked.

Putting your hand over your mouth, you tried to stifle a laugh. Calling Eddie, of course, he doesn't answer. You go to tell your band mates you need to head home and see Eddie. It's important. They give you a goodbye hug and send their love to him.

Walking into your shared home, you call out Eddie's name, no answer. Walking around peaking into every room, hunting him down. You eventually find him on his treadmill with headphones on blasting his music. He notices you in the doorway and smiles. Running over to you, he gives you a big bear hug.

"So did you like the picture I sent you earlier?" He wiggled his eyebrows at you.

"I sure did. As a matter of fact, me and the rest of the world did too." You joked with him.

Eddie looked totally confused until you pulled out your phone, showing what he had done. He looked horrified but then slowly became his cocky self again.

"Well, at least they know the rumors are, in fact, true."

[dragon-creates]

5+1 AU Characters as Taylor Swift Songs

I got bored yesterday and my ADHD + my swiftie brain decided to put together what says would go together with the characters of my fic. This was mostly done for fun but if you know the meanings behind these songs, I'm going to enjoy feasting on your suffering 😈

Here's the link to my fic here if you haven't read it yet.

Pomni/Penny: Mirrorball

And I'm still a believer, but I don't know why. I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try

I thought this song best fit Pomni/Penny due to her complicated relationship with her dad and how that affected her as a person, always trying to do her best despite what's thrown at her, even if it hurts her in the process and she doesn't know why.

Jax/Jack: This Is Me Trying

Could've followed my fears all the way down And maybe I don't quite know what to say. But I'm here in your doorway I just wanted you to know. That this is me trying

I mean, I think its kinda obvious (cough cough chapter 5 cough cough). Jax/Jack went through a lot as a kid before he moved in with Winter and the Alvarez's and yes while he's hurting, he wants to heal but as ya'll know, relapses happen. But he'll always keep trying.

Riley: Karma

Karma's gonna track you down. Step by step, from town to town. Sweet like justice, karma is a queen

I had fun with this one. As ya'll know, Riley is quite protective over those she cares about (she's also an FBI agent so if you hurt Penny you probably won't be seen the next day). Riley is always gonna make sure that those who decide to fuck around are gonna find out. After all, karma is a bitch.

Winter: 22

You don't know about me but I'll bet you want to. Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22

Ah Winter, my sassy lesbian queen. Winter has always been fun to write due to how positive and fun she is. Teasing Jack, being lovey dovey with Riley and hyping up Penny as well. She would be one of those people who throw the wildest parties and dread cleaning up the next day, but doesn't care as long as she and others are having fun.

Amber: Tolerate It

Lay the table with the fancy shit. And watch you tolerate it

Amber, mother of two and the ex of the man that everyone in discord wants dead. This reflects what her marriage to David was like and her releasing how awful he was after they divorced. Amber is a strong and protective mother bear, but she was hurt first emotionally to become that strong. Sometimes there will be moments will break, but she always picks herself back up for her girls, David forgotten at the back of her mind for their sake.

~okay let's focus on some duo/trio songs~

Pomni/Penny & Jax/Jack: Wildest Dreams

Say you'll remember me. Standin' in a nice dress. Starin' at the sunset, babe. Red lips and rosy cheeks. Say you'll see me again. Even if it's just in your wildest dreams

Come on, are you really surprised? It's the title of the last chapter and basically this fic's theme! Even if they don't realise who each other are, there memories stay in their dreams and their shown just how beautiful their love was!!!!

Riley & Winter: Paper Rings

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings. Uh-huh, that's right. Darling, you're the one I want

Let's go! Let's go lesbians let's go!!! The yuri deserve a nice lovey dovey song. These two are just so sweet with one another and the reason why Jack and Penny got together (much to Riley's disappointment lol) and they deserve all the happiness. And yes this song was in their wedding playlist.

Pomni/Penny & Riley: Safe and Sound

No one can hurt you now. Come morning light. You and I'll be safe and sound

This song is definitely a parallel of Penny and Riley's sisterhood, especially growing up with David still in the picture. Riley doing her job as an older sister, shielding her little sister whenever David wanted to target her with his verbal abuse. Riley hates every fibre of her father's being, it only got worse after he involved Penny in the car accident. No matter what, even as adults, Riley will always protect her baby sister from everything...until the day she couldn't.

Winter & Jax/Jack: The Best Day

God smiles on my little brother, inside and out. He's better than I am I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run. And I had the best days with you

This was how Winter viewed her and Jack when he moved in with her family. Jack is and always will be her little brother, even if they aren't blood related. She and her family give him the life he didn't and the space to thrive, and neither she or Jack would trade it for the world even after all these years.

Pomni/Penny & Amber: Bigger Than The Whole Sky

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. You were bigger than the whole sky

Hehe ya'll gonna hate me for this one. But yeah, after Penny went missing, it hit Amber like a freight train. Penny was her baby, she watched her daughter go through hell and back, and helped with her healing, watched her fall in love, comforted her through her heartbreak and the next day she disappeared, and no one can find her. She grieves her daughter every day, as though she truly passed away. She and Penny had a relationship like no other, there's nothing stronger than a mother's love for her child.

Riley & Amber: Dear Reader

The greatest of luxuries is your secrets. Dear reader, when you aim at the devil make sure you don't miss. Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

While Amber loves Penny, never once did she neglect Riley or see her problems as inferior. She loves both her babies more than anything. But she can tell that Riley has gone through a lot, watching her father grow apart from her and seeing her little sister get hurt over and over again. This song is kinda reminiscent of chapter 3 (with Amber reassuring Riley that she's not wrong to feel upset with her dad), but also Amber teaching Riley what she knows and so she doesn't make the same mistakes as she did.

Amber & Riley & Pomni/Penny: Never Grow Up

Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up. Don't you ever grow up. Just stay this little. Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up. Don't you ever grow up. It could stay this simple

Let's end it off bittersweet with our three girls. This is reminiscing over her daughters, more so the good moments of their childhood (David isn't in these memories which isn't a surprise). It kind of hits Amber when she sees her girls all grown up and living their own lives, just how far they've come since they were kids. She gave birth to them, helped them take their first steps, cried at their first words, dropped them off both at their first days at school, teasing Riley over her first crush on a girl, comforting and spending each day Penny was in hospital after the accident, letting them cry in her shoulder over David leaving, reassured Riley that she wasn't abandoning Penny once the older of the two left for college, helped Penny overcome her eating habits, watched her girls fall in love. It leaves her tearful and proud of how much they've grown.

I hope you guys enjoyed this, and keep an eye out for my next funnybunny fic on ao3 and tumblr called 'Royally Screwed'. It's a royal AU based on the ideas and art of one of my friends on discord and I hope ya'll like it when it comes out!

[mintythecuptalks]

vent

I fucking hate myself bro

Im not even gonna try hide it.

I hate how i sound, how I look, how i act, how I feel, how I even make friends. How i talk. Just fucking everything. I'm really trying to be that role model for you guys and I can't give up just like that, but it's making me wanna give up on my au, and just.. delete everything

I cant make anyone fucking proud and I'm not even good enough for anyone. Shit I say was never fucking said to me. I really hate myself, I hate how my body looks. I hate how it's shaped. I hate my hands. My face. My hair. My arms. My legs. My stomach. MY CHEST. EVERYTHING

Im just that little girl who craved the "attention" they gave me BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE. I WISH I NEVER FUCKING CAME ONTO THE INTERNET.

Its so hard to cry, my room hadn't been cleaned and it smells fucking bad in here because of the old food. My clothes are everywhere. My bedsheets aren't even on my bed. I finally showed i guess. My eating habits are coming back where I starved myself until I ended up in the hospital. I'm failing school I can hardly fucking sleep now. I'm vaping, I wanna start cigarettes again.

My whole world is falling apart and I haven't turned to anyone about it. Because I feel like I'll annoy them so much that they wouldn't respond fast enough. There was a few times where they'd stop replying because they were texting other people and forgot to text me and shit. Am I that fucking boring?? Am I not worthy enough to reply to?? I'm always told that I'm good to talk to while venting to and I'm lovely for that. But the bad part about that Is- no one ever fucking spoke to me the way I spoke to them. A few people have. But it was never said to me before I met them.

Im always compared to people who were hated on. Called dramatic. Now I'm wondering if what I'm feeling even fucking matters anymore. It's getting worse and i know it. I'm hardly trying to get better and i know I don't even deserve to get better.

I KNOW I WAS FUCKING YOUNG. I STILL SHOULDNT HAVE DONE THE SHIT I DID. I SHOULDNT FUCKING HAVE. I HURT PEOPLE. I MADE THEM RELAPSE. I MADE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE. I BROKE UP FRIENDSHIPS. I SHOULD OF FUCKING KNOWN BETTER.

I SHOULD OF. IDC IF WE WERE YOUNG. I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT I SHOULDNT HAVE DONE THAT BUT I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

i hate myself so fucking much. I wish I was never born sometimes. I really fucking think i won't make it to 18 I swear. I have been thinking about that for these past 4 fucking years. I was 11 when I started thinking that.

Im not even good enough to even do anything for myself. But I always make sure my siblings are fed. I don't make them starve.

Im a burden to everyone. Everyone

Including myself

[youngparadisedonut]

Hello 👋🏽 so this might not sound like I’m complementing you but I am

When I first found your page I just thought you were a hater with no life.. I think I found you when season four aired and I saw you talking about the Iris situation and let me just say I think I hold the crown for the biggest Carlos hater during season 4, they made me hate him but everytime I would look at your page I would be like we get it so why are you talking about him this much then. I wasn’t really involved in the fandom or has obsessed in the show back then as I am now and I have come to absolutely love tk, and I have found my group of friends on Twitter who love him also. from the moment I came into this fandom it was blatantly obvious biased towards Rafa/carlos (I mean we all saw how fast they were to never talk about ronen again..)that I just didn’t understand, it’s like they foams at the mouth anytime they talk about Rafa/carlos

The Carlos Stan’s have gotten a lot worse imo and we need tk defenders more then ever

What I’m trying to say is I used to see you and go if you don’t like something why are you talking about it but I never said that to people saying the nice things about the characters which is unfair cause we shouldn’t push people who are rightfully calling out characters too the side and make them talk about it with just there friends, if people can say good things, other people can be critical and we need people like you more then ever. Thank you for constantly calling out Carlos cause the watered down “criticism” he gets is such bs

He was not the best boyfriend, definitely not the best fiancée and he’s not gonna be the best husband in the beginning and I’m so tired of these women who are old enough too realize what he does is wrong making excuses after excuses and babying him so much. I think tk deserves way better instead of a man who constantly lies and puts things/people above him then crawls back crying when the damage is done

So just thank you for not stopping with this account cause this fandom is truly delusional when it comes to Carlos and then that fuck ass spinoff they want to do? With his partner who he has “special chemistry” with…

Thank you! I know that I can be very annoying sometimes hahaha.

I’m so frustrated about how TK is often treated by the fandom and the writers. He was criticized for not being ready for a relationship with Carlos, even if he was recovering from a relapse after the boyfriend he proposed to said he was in love with another guy (and probably cheated on him). He was blamed for the breaking up with Carlos after Carlos triggered him by making a big decision that affected both of them without talking to him first, and no one (not the fandom, not the writers) recognized that his motives for the break up were valids. The amount of hate he got just because Cooper was his sponsor was horrifying.

Carlos hiding a marriage, being so dismissive of TK with the wife jokes, blaming TK for Iris disappearance and acting so hostile towards TK was objectively so much worse than any mistake that TK did in their relationship, but I saw feel people calling him out on his bulshit. People even found Iris interactions with TK funny. Everything was fine as long as their favorite could get alway with it. The double standards where very clear.

(It’s so sad how TK has such a kind heart and loves so big)

(Yet no one ever chooses him first)

(Owen with his job)

(Carlos with Iris)

When I saw the news about Carlos and his partner who he has “special chemistry” with was the nail in the coffin for me. Like, nope. I already know where this is going. People will ship Carlos with his partner (even if he turns out to be in a happy relationship) and compare him with TK, how he is so much better and supportive tham TK and Carlos definitely should be with him instead, especially during the probable Jonah arc.I'm not gonna put myself into that.

[cupidevanesco]

Boris Pavlikovsky as your boyfriend. (headcannons) + SFW

Now before you read this, let me just remind you that this isn't sunshine and rainbows. We're talking Boris Pavlikovsky, a teen drug addict with trauma, so don't come for me for “romanticizing” abuse. Thanks!

Warnings: Abuse, trauma, manipulation, and usage of drugs.

Sometimes asks you to do things for him, including stealing; solely just to test your limits and how far you'd go for him.

Argues with you for the smallest reasons, but it doesn't take long before he absolutely loses his shit and starts begging and asking for forgiveness.

+ Whenever this happens, he always cries. ALWAYS. He hugs you from behind and buries his head on the crook of your neck despite being taller than you, then starts gaslighting you then and there so that you don't get mad anymore.

Whiny. “Wiesz, że nie to miałem na myśli, kochanie,” / “You know I didn't mean it, love,”

Whenever he's having a bad day, he'd take it out on you by giving you drugs for some reason. If you didn't take it, he'd force pills down your throat. Whenever this happens, you'd threaten to leave the house and he wouldn't care, in fact he's pushing you even more to leave.

Not a minute after you leave the house, you have 109 missed calls and over 576 texts from him begging you to come back and that he's worried and sorry for what he's done. He only does this whenever you leave the house after an argument, he never actually message or call you.

If you're not home by night, he'd go looking for you without even trying to call or message you. He always knows where you're at.

Despite being a ridiculously and relatively horrible person, he still manages to spoil you rotten when it comes to gift giving. He mostly just steals though, but you appreciate it. The first time you started dating, you told him not to steal if he's gonna gift you anything because you don't need it, but he didn't listen and you've grown to get used to it.

You're his personal therapist, but being his personal therapist makes you want to see your own therapist.

Whenever he relapses, he becomes all quiet and clingy. He'd always hold your arm or kiss the top of your hand, tug on your shirt whenever you're cooking in the kitchen, and becomes the little spoon when cuddling at night, all while frowning.

You're stuck with him. Leaving him means slowly killing yourself. He'd somehow planted this seed into your mind that you'd feel so bored and unloved if he wasn't by your side. You ALWAYS come back.

You've tried healing and breaking up with him multiple times but he just never lets it happen. He forces himself to not sleep, to look tired, wear the same clothes three days a row, and make himself look haggard in general just for you to pity him and come crawling back to him. He likes to make you think he's wrapped around your finger, but he really isn't. It's the whole other way around.

He insults every guy you used to like/date to you whenever he doesn't know what to talk about or when he's bored.

Gets jealous VERY easily. You can't even order in a damn restaurant just because he's jealous, so he does it all the time.

He surprisingly takes you on cute little dates like star gazing, picnics, a walk in cute places and such whenever he's having a good day/week.

You like to pick out his clothes for him because he's sometimes too lazy to actually create an outfit and not just grab the first thing his hand feels in his closet.

He made your parents think that he's a good person somehow. They love him.

Likes to speak different languages at once because he thinks it's funny to see you getting offended upon not understanding a shit he's saying.

Big baby narcissist. He hurt you, you reacted to him, therefore now he is the victim.

He loves your cooking.

He made a letter for you in ukrainian, a really long one, but he knew you couldn't understand ukrainian. That's exactly why he wrote it in that language.

Half of your refrigerator is filled with vodka and energy drinks while the other half are vegetables and fruits. You always cook healthy food just because you're scared that he might die from kidney failure.

You provide for him. You never complained about it though, and he never really asks for much. Although he did steal about thirty bucks from you once just to buy snacks.

When you get into a BIG argument, he actually hurts you. He shoves you into a wall, slaps you, punches you — mostly in your lower stomach, pulls your hair and such. He won't stop unless he sees a bruise.

He locks you in a room, mostly your basement, and he turns the lights off with nothing inside. You'd be banging so hard on the door but his pride is too high for him to open the door for you. You got the cops called on you multiple times but you always covered for him despite having a whole fight, and he'd say sorry and be guilty and all that.

He never thought of cheating.

He can't show love through words and he gets all shy whenever you do. You love spoiling him with words because that's only the ever time he's soft.

He's a horrible man, but he's a vulnerable boy. He can't take the topic of his parents, it upsets him.

He once got jealous of you because your parents “cared for you too much” ...they were average parents.

Whenever he gets too drunk, he starts crying and rambling about how much he hates his parents and how he's not useless. He tries to prove it to you and it just breaks your heart to see it. He gets so vulnerable and reaches his breaking point, he'd have full on panic attacks, fall asleep after, and wake up the next day going on with his day like nothing happened.

He doesn't like it when you see him vulnerable so he distracts you from it but it never really works on you. You just pretend that it does so that he won't overdo whatever he's distracting you with.

Admitted that he in fact did love you a lot when you had a heart to heart. You just spent all your time hugging and comforting him after this.

You try your best to understand him but you rarely ever do. He's misunderstood and will always will be.

He doesn't try to make people understand him because doing that would need the mention of his parents. He still can't bring himself to talk about them.

You took psychology for college just so you could become a psychologist after you graduate and be his own personal therapist. You never wanted to be one, but seeing that people like him existed made you want to.

No matter how bad your day is, if he's being sweet, you'd force yourself to act nice to him because he's barely ever sweet.

He loves you :)

Hope you guys enjoyed this! I take requests, just not NSFW. I'm getting bored, so y'all should really start requesting while I'm at it. 🤷

[cdroloisms]

is it weird that i think c!wilbur wouldn't have been able to help himself and make them start the war again eventually? bc while he recognises the harm he did c!tommy i don't think he ever acknowledges what he did to c!dream. without that, idk if he'd ever be able to resist the urge to push them back into conflict but with extra c!inniterisms driving him.

i mean ... ? like how do i say this

first of all, i dont think c!wilbur was driven by c!inniterisms necessarily in inconsolable differences. i mean sorta but like ... like look c!tommy is his kid. always was always has been. people ask why c!wilbur chooses c!tommy over c!dream and it's like. i mean, no shit. that's his kid. like sure does c!wilbur superficially choose other people over c!tommy sometimes, for sure. but at the end of the day if the danger is losing tommy there's like nothing he won't do you know like ... [keysmashing] sorry it's like. c!wilbur can't lose c!tommy, and his relationship with c!tommy is so fundamentally important with understanding both characters.

and as for like. dragging c!tommy into some kind of conflict eventually, well. that's why he leaves innit. like i wouldn't even categorize it as being about conflict, it's about the fact that he capital n Needs tommy and tommy won't ever leave him of his own volition and their relationship from the beginning !!! from the very beginning !!! has been extremely unbalanced and involved hefty amounts of c!wilbur making c!tommy go against his every instinct and pressuring him to act in the ways that c!wilbur wants him to and just straight up hurting the kid--like, c!tommy needs to be away from c!wilbur and c!tommy won't leave on his own so c!wilbur is the one that goes in boundless sands. in a lot of ways, it's kind of the most he can do as far as harm reduction goes, towards c!tommy for sure but even for c!dream as well? like shit man he's already rewritten their whole identities.

idk like i dont think that Recognizing What He Did To c!Dream is really gonna do shit for either of them, personally. c!wilbur's issue isn't his inability to recognize the harm he's done, and c!dream is just flat out delusional about c!wilbur lmao c!wilbur telling him "hey dude i'm sorry" would literally probably just make c!dream sink deeper into the feeling that he's Successfully Tricked c!Wilbur Into Being On His Side! he's got Leverage (tm)!!! and whatever.

i agree that c!wilbur staying wouldn't really be good for c!discduo like, at all, but i wouldn't say it's strictly just because he would idk eventually "give into his impulses and goad them into a fight" i guess? like as much as i am like number one "it all goes back to c!wilbur" truther, c!discduo are characters with agency and they've individually made decisions that led to the fracturing of their relationship in ways that weren't directly caused by c!wilbur, though i would argue that c!wilbur's death was the catlyst for a whole fucking lot of it. c!discduo reconciliation can't happen through c!wilbur, i'd say inconsolable differences in itself kind of proves that (because as clumsy as it was, c!wilbur did seem to be trying to End It right, for c!tommy's sake, so c!tommy would feel Safe with the discs gone and c!dream's leverage finished with) (but of course, the way it got carried out just kind of proves that c!wilbur can ummm threaten c!discduo into compliance in ways that ummm. sure were!) especially when you consider how the finale still happens with c!dream and c!tommy having conflict (cough because c!tommy relapsed after boundless sands cough) that wasn't triggered by the discs, right, cuz c!dream has no idea they're still existing. but along that same vein, id argue that c!wilbur kind of proves he idk wants to be done with it and does probably the best he could've done for the discduo conflict in that moment by leaving, because the last thing c!dream OR c!tommy really needed was his presence? idk

[borderlinecatboy]

I'm so ugh. I keep fucking relapsing an like I know I do have some of control over it I just can't stop at the same time. It's like everytime the scabs fade I have to make new ones. I feel bad or wrong when i don't have any. I can't stop until they scar but I'll never know if they do because my fucking stretch marks in the way.

And everytime I do it I feel like such a disappointment like I'm letting down and hurting my friends. Not my irls fuck those assholes I mean my online friends. I just feel like a shitty person bc what is so bad about my life that warrants taking a plastic knife to my hip? I'm too pussy to even try to cut deep, or at least as deep as you can with fucking plastic. Embarrassing.

And I'm so so afraid of my mom or grandma seeing them. They will actually kill me. My sister's reaction would just piss me off. Ik my irls will just be mad at me for not telling them, dicks. Acting like they're entitled to knowing everything about me but never telling me anything about them.

I promised myself that when i got out of this God forsaken house id do it for real. With a designated knife just for harming myself. Make it all cutesy for that twisted irony affect. I wouldn't have to hide it anymore. It'd be on other limbs too. Not just my one hip. It'd be so freeing.

Not to forget how I feel so fucking fat lately. I don't even know how much i weigh and it's lowkey stressing me out. I haven't been 100 pound in a good while n it's. Ugh. The scale in my house doesn't fucking work anymore. I think. It doesn't help that I just keep eating and eating, especially sweets I just. Ugh. I keep trying to starve myself but i keep giving into temptation. I'm genuinely so fucking upset over this why can't I just be good. Honestly i think starving myself is what gave me those heartburn problems but whatever. I just wanna be 100 pounds again. I'm only worth anything when I'm small. It's the only time people fucking say anything about my body in a nonsexual way and fuck. People always tell me I have the ideal skinny body and I need to keep it or I'll never fucking be worth anything, ya know? And at the rate I'm eating (two decent meals a day plus a handful of snacks, usually dessert type ones) I'll never get that.

I know I shouldn't 'feel' fat I'm well aware I'm still technically a skeleton but when you grow up hearing the shit I did from mainly my own mother or other fuckhead adult women you'd feel the fucking same too. I fucking hate it here.

I only got 'better' because food was appetizing again and passing out at cheer would've been fucking embarrassing. N now cheer is over I was contemplating starting again n then the other day my mom told me that my 'five course meals' so like a plate of bacon or ramen were gonna catch up to me. Pretty much saying I was getting fat which fuck shes right but I wish she didn't say it to my fucking face. God it's disgusting how I often I eat now. She just pretty much gave me a reason to start up again but I'm so fucking weak and pathetic I can't even bring myself to stop.

I just feel so alone nowadays. I have no one to talk to. So much shit bottled up but I can't burden people with it because it's all so. Miniscule that I'm just an asshole for even having those problems. I can never shut my fucking mouth I feel like I scare everyone away and it's honestly deserved. Someone as horrible as me doesn't deserve the comfort I crave. I'm so desperate for attention it's fucking pathetic. I want to cry but I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything good because I am a monster. I deserve nothing but the pain I feel everyday or just fucking death. I'm just a pest.

Sometimes I wish my ex was abusive. Not because I want a reason to hate him, if anything I'm looking for reasons *that one* encounter was just a mishap. I just crave it. I want to be hurt worse than I ever even was which isn't very fucking hard to achieve since barely anything even happened. I want horrible things done to me I crave it it's embarrassing. It's like im fucking. Romanticizing something people take for-fucking-ever to heal from for my own sick satisfaction.

That one encounter. I just don't even know what to make out of it. Haha make out. It's funny bc we were making out n I could feel his fucking erection through his pants. Presumably erection. I'm a fucking prude with a vagina and I never really did watch porn with actual dicks involved. Either way it was fucking uncomfortable and I remember trying to discretely move bc embarrassment + he was always awkward as fuck n I really couldn't I was just trapped on his lap. My problem is, I don't know if he was holding me there or if my brain is trying to turn him into the enemy. He did ask what was wrong and I said nothing so it is technically my fault. I'm not going anymore into this because I know I'll start reliving the moment (aka my body feeling like it's happening again) and I just can-fucking-not deal with that right now.

Even if i want nothing to do with my ex he was the only person where I was their number 1. He was also the last person I wanted to be that. Growing up I was my 'bffs' back up friend. When their new friend no longer wanted anything to do with them, they'd come crawling right back to me. It's been the same since elementary school and I'm so fucking sick of it. I just want to be there person someone thinks of first, their comfort zone, someone they gravitate to unconsciously. I just want to be loved the way i love others. I'll never be important to anyone it seems. It's just something about me. Maybe I'm to childish or self centered or annoying or untrustworthy or maybe I'm just a horrible person but everyone pities me too much to say anything. Like they all secretly hate me but they all know I'm pathetic and would never survive on my own so they keep me around as a safety net for when their important people fail them.

I seriously need to just stop burdening others with my existence.

[thetenamongstthesethrees]

TW: REFERENCE TO SH AND RELAPSE OF SH AND SUICIDE ATTEMPT

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Ok so ik ive been inactive for a *WHILE* and im srry for that but like i have a buncha things that happened these past 3 months that I NEED To share SOOOO....

First things first, the one im most excited abt: I DID MY FIRST PERFORMANCE!!! My school was doing little mermaid jr and I got Scuttle! I was really happy to get my first role and getting at least one solo, and Im just happy overall on how it went! I think I did really good on my first try! Only bad thing was that now im kinda going through my lil mermaid hyperfixation and have been looking up fics where Sebastian and Ariel kinda have a Father/Parental Figure-Daughter or Older Brother-Younger (stupid but ultimately well meaning) Sister dynamic and have started to write a fic on that bc no ones done it before apparently😒(im going cray cray, bonkers mayhaps)

Might've gotten my eye infected(I live in the east of the us, new york to be more specific and woke up the day after the "live vintage (BLAME CANADA/j) filter" with my right eyes nerves slightly more irritated and haven't gotten that checked out so thats fun)

FINALLY finished that one drawing ive been making for 3 MONTHS.(well, technically....)

Almost done writing my passion project, AKA the one I originally wanted to make into an animated series but have settled for a book just in case that can't happen! I still need to work out some kinks, design more outfits, get all their personalities in check, make sure the world and magic is fully fleshed out, ect.

I also do band, and while I originally thought that I would have a problem bc of both band and theatres close scheduling(i originally had dress rehearsal on june 2nd, AND my band concert on June 2nd) but it all worked out in the end! My band concert went great, and while the dress rehearsal was a mess, we at least got through it! :)

Unintentionally quit SH! I was originally only meant to stop until AFTER performances, but ive been bettering myself and learned that if I ever want to forgive myself or at least move on I gotta stop feeling sorry for myself and not forget nor forgive, but remember, i just can't let it haunt me. I know I'll relapse, I always do eventually, but I want to enjoy these few moments of mental "clarity" while I can. I've also learned that for some reason i tend to become a more terrible person and despicable person the more time I spend at home with my mother, so that's fun. God, I hate America's education system, its messed me up BAD. AND the foster care system. I just tried to kms 2 times today, and she didn't even notice, or care. How sad is that?

On a lighter note, yes, as the rest of yt and TikTok, I got a minor lil hyperfixation on the Lorax and really think ppl should make more [PLATONIC] Lorax and Onceler dynamics, mainly the type where they're like some really annoying pair of bickering siblings or a father whos sick of his adopted child's shit, like there is so much on the table for platonic fluff and angst and most of what I've seen is romantic smut and fluff like CHANGE IT UP A LIL

Also, Ive been going to karaoke centers on Tuesdays and have become a lot more confident to performing in front of ppl! So far, I've performed "All You Wanna Do", "The Ballad of Jane Doe", "Heart of Stone", and am gonna do "What the World Needs" the next upcoming Tuesday, where I'm gonna try interacting with the audience while singing!!

(Also, before I end this....I may have ADHD??? my teacher who has ADHD says some of my behavior is "similar to hers"(i feel like thats just her way of saying i reek of neurodivergency) and I also did some research and I display similar/exact behaviors listed, have taken online tests from doctorate confirmed sites and basically all of them said to go get a diagnosis. I also found I do a few behaviors similar to stimming! Also also, I kinda suspect a lil more bc my mom has Autism and apparently sometimes neurodivergency is biological (i forgor the word) but my mom is kinda in denial abt my Depression diagnosis and thinks I got anxiety "biologically", so if I tell her I wanna get tested for ADHD shes just kinda gonna gaslight me into not believing that and i already told the school therapist and basically she just told me that I'm probably just imagining things or copying behaviors from my mother and that "kids like to give themselves all these titles nowadays" so I just did what I always do which is to keep it shut and act until they think you fell in line)

So yeah, thats all! Thanks for reading, now that my schedule is clear again ima start posting more frequently again, so be aware :) <3333

[thescrewhead]

We live in a time where we are all invited to become addicted to something. These addictive behaviours release a very larger amount of dopamine and it can lower the baseline level of dopamine which may cause detrimental physiologic changes in our brain.

Sometimes people become addicted because they think their life isn’t interesting so they frequently expose themselves to high pleasurable behavior. In our brain Pleasure and pain are co-located and work like a balance, tipping inversely. So after you do something pleasurable your brain immediately compensates by downregulating dopamine. So actually what happens is Pleasure gets reduced by pain. Example : if you are using Social media mindlessly and releasing too much dopamine as it’s related to the reward system of our brain, you will have a crash right after when you close the application. You will have a dopamine deficit. And this where you have to wait, just wait. You will feel boredom or anxiety which we were referring as pain earlier. But if you don't wait you will have another dopamine deficit which will lower the baseline of dopamine. And after that you will repeat the behaviour not to seek pleasure but to escape the pain of missing the pleasure.

The easiness of our life (lack of survival essentiality and physical envolvement) has made our life boring. People tends to find more purposeful work or work which they are more passionate about. But it's a burden and hardly they can find it in this way. So stop looking for passion and do the immediate things. Things that needs to be done, not the things that you want to do. We often just look for the perfect thing to do which may be a part of escapism, but instead doing the immediate thing is the key of super performance.

30 days is the average time that takes to reset the dopamine system and break an addictive pattern. First 10 days gonna be miserable. One would feel anxiety, impulsive, physical agitation, trouble sleeping, angry etc. From 3rd week you may start feeling better.

Telling the truth in every aspect of life is the central of the recovery. Disclosing yourself can create intimate connections which stimulate dopamine release. It also strengthens circuits in the pre-frontal cortex and enhances connections to the limbic brain and reward brain.

People with severe addiction suffer from a lack of homeostasis in the pleasure-pain balance. So for them the relapse can occur anytime - maybe when they are doing great and one day they just get back to it subconsciously, or maybe it’s after 7 days or it could be after 7 years. For them its like having an itch and being told you can’t scratch it – it’s always there and maybe you’ll scratch it in your sleep because an unconscious opportunity. No matter how far you drive, you are always the same distance from the ditch.

Thinking about the triggers associated with the behaviour or thinking about the behaviour can already release anticipatory dopamine. And dopamine basically triggers the work.

“Social media is it really is a drug. And it’s engineered to be a drug.” – Dr. Anna Lembke.

And The addictive process is the same as other addictive behaviours like usimg drugs, gambling or porn etc. So use social media with intention and with planning so you don’t get sucked in and try to detoxicating social media at least for a day after a certain period of days. The collective mission should be to make sure we’re preserving offline ways to connect.

[wooahaes]

hi! (first time sending an ask so pls lmk if anyone has this emoji but-) i completely agree w/ u that writers should put a warning or smth that the fanfic will be catered to a certain body type as ive read fanfic w/o that and have felt insecure. not saying these writers are intentionally trying to make ppl feel bad, but they need to realize that sometimes their works do cater to thin/skinny body types and letting readers know that rly isnt a big deal. ty for always speaking ur truth! - 🐱 anon

hi nonny! im gonna answer all ur asks in one go <3 (no need to apologize for spamming! i had a moment of 'oh fuck did i say something wrong' but thats just anxiety brain speaking haha)

honestly! i genuinely don't mind if writers wanna intentionally write works for a thinner reader, it'd just be nice for them to write in a little warning at the beginning of the fic <3 i write chubby readers and mark 'em with chubby!reader so my audience knows, nothing wrong w doing it the other way around!

i also wanna say, i remember looking up "seventeen x chubby reader", "svt x chubby reader", or smth along those lines on tumblr but just knowing almost nothing will pop up 💔. until i saw a little fanfic called "tiger stripes" and was baffled that someone actually wrote something that had someone like me in mind. i remember feeling and being so happy about it. just thank you for your svt x chubby reader works because u make us chubby carats feel so seen 🫶🏼 - 🐱 anon

aaaa ty lovely!! im a chubby gal myself so i love writing chubby!reader fics from time to time when inspiration strikes <3 usually i try to keep everything body neutral so that anyone can enjoy my fics (even in my chubby reader fics, i try not to specify how big reader is so that anyone bigger can enjoy them), but sometimes i just gotta aim something for the chubby gals out there <3 tiger stripes is one of my most beloved fics and it genuinely makes me happy to think of my own stretch marks as tiger stripes hehe <3

ah anyway !! hope im not a bother w/ my asks !! i just wanted to tell u this despite my shyness bc idk, i rly feel like u needed to hear it 🙏🏼 anyway, i also wanna add ur a rly good writer and keep on doing what ur doing 👍🏼 - 🐱 anon

u are 100000% fine!! i love talking to anons and ur always welcome to pop into my inbox whenever you feel like it <3 + it does always help to hear that other chubby carats enjoy my work!! mwah mwah ur so sweet

tw fatphobia mentions (nothing explicitly fatphobic tho) // omg though.. i remember finding this [redacted] x reader fic and bc it appeared under the [removed] tag (smth like that) and i assumed that it was catered to fat ppl. but unfortunately it turned out to be incredibly fatphobic w/ it's themes, plot, + y/n. im not saying u have to be fat to write "x fat reader" fanfic but perhaps step away from writing for ppl u have no understanding of if ur gna write stuff like that.. - 🐱 anon

redacting the guy + the tag from your ask purely to try and avoid anyone tracking down the writer by any means! i trust my followers to not do something like that, but i'd feel better reducing that risk in any way <3

oh yikes! i think like... its worth it to sometimes address fatphobia in writing, but that kind of stuff 100% needs a warning! one of my current fic ideas involves a reader who is confident in her body but kinda relapses back to a previous mindset of 'maybe i Should be ashamed of it' after being fully insulted for being a bigger gal and the fic would absolutely have a warning.

i do agree that you def do not have to be a bigger person to write chubby/fat reader fics, but its definitely something you need to be mindful of when you wanna handle the heavier topics. im always happy to weigh in with my own thoughts + experiences, and im sure other people would be, too! no shame in trying to address it in themes/plot, but there's def a difference between endorsing those ideas and discussing them (and i'll say i have no idea which was being done in this fic)

(btw: no one go looking for this writer to say anything to them btw, we do not promote harassment on this blog--anon ur 100% fine to express ur opinions since i've seen fatphobia in reader fics, too, and it's okay to express discomfort with the idea. i'm always open to discussing things as long as they don't point too directly to anyone's work--and i'm equally open to taking down anything that pinpoints a certain writer.)

anyway ur 100% fine to send as many asks as u want!! im always happy to talk to people esp abt topics like this (or in general too!) <3 ty for being polite tho mwah mwah ur v cute

[b4n3n4]

I've vented a bit on a public server, I shouldn't have done that, but ill vent here, this is not in any shape, or form praise to my awful ex crushes, I hope those 3 actually get tortured for Infinity in hell, especially you, you know who you are, and I know you still stalk this page.

Sometimes i miss when i was at my "lowest" objectively I guess, mentally I felt happier somehow, kind of go lucky feeling, if nothing matters nothing can hurt you, I've never talked about the boys I've liked before on this page, they were 3.

I can say my first crush was probably who made me this way, he was cold with everyone, rude, misogynistic and violent, that was the first boy I've ever liked at 12, he was different, never met anyone like him before, other seemed like cowards, unable to be authentically themselves, he introduced me to gore when I was 12, way before I even knew porn was a thing, I started to cut myself around that age, he would always ask me to see, to touch the cuts, I felt like he understood me, what I wanted to say or do he said and did, when I didn't like someone I would keep it to myself, but he would be as ruthless as he wanted, pure neutrality, I fell in love quickly, would spend whole classes looking at him, how smart he was, how charismatic, well now I can see he was just a sociopath literally but at the time he was like God to me, ill never forget his smirks when I would show him my cuts or the big smile I gave him when he fell down while playing fight with a friend and made a huge scratch in his whole stomach, showing me it proudly.

i spent a year madly in love with him and lost about 14 kgs although I couldn't diet at home, I would just start to purge my food at home and fast during school, one day I discovered that although we never dated he was using me as rebound, and somehow the love broke off that day, I had nightmares with him for about 5 years after

2 years later i met my irl ex, quiet kid in class that one day said some stupid misogynistic joke and I laughed and we bonded, showed me theync, would say I was disgusting for not being as good as him in class, basically an incel when I met him but that was the part I liked, once he started to become softer with me I lost interest quickly but we stayed together as I was waiting for him to change to his before self, we broke up because he would go through my messages, make me give my phone every time we were together etc, I hate insecure men, we were together for 4 years and during all those years I would have nightmares with the first boy.

WORST ONE SO FAR, so, as im a fucking loser and don't have friends I was searching for servers on 4chan and found one lmao, owner dms me saying he wants to kill me and he's the only dude I replied to in months, lies to me, never shows his face, uses me for my body, blackmails me, etc, but somehow because I was lonely and thought I was gonna km I let that slide for a year, also I liked how fucked up he was, then he turns too nonchalant and soft for my liking, teenage girl kinda texts and I ask to break up, we fought ALOT before also, I seriously he khs because every day I find out more lies, like sending fake plushie pic (saying he got them for me) then finding those pics in a 2016 website, ALSO said he sent fake pics the first time but then that they were real the second time (gaslight and lies because they weren't) calling me insane and obsessive for not believing him, erm okay, hope you die

WELL long rant but yes during those 3 boys I relapsed, in self-harm and gore, and also lost weight with every one of them, my boyfriend who is the sweetest kindest soul on earth, and although I thought I would be interested in him at the beginning because of his scary appearance turns out I can love someone who treats me well, but sometimes I wish I was as strong as before, I feel like nowadays everything is too easy on me and I've become too soft, its been like 3 weeks without cutting and I miss it often, I miss feeling so grossed out by everyone I would hide myself in the bathroom watching gore, I miss not caring for tomorrow or what happens to me since I knew I was going to die soon, I miss it, why am I so soft nowadays, I'm supposed to feel happy I am "getting better" but feels like my destructive mindset before actually made me happier