#and like. it's not always gonna be one and done. sometimes you will relapse and it can be for a myriad of reasons

[teruthecreator]

it's six o'clock in the morning and i haven't slept yet so pardon me if i may poke the bear a little but was just peeking at dt ao3 and boy, i really do hope roger relapsing isn't going to be a common fanon angst thing now that the dlcs out...

[allfortheslay25]

Sorry to that one person who asked about more Milo in my inbox. The ask disappeared and has yet to come back after the draft refused to post so I’ll be posting it just like this.

Hopefully you see it🙏

I should probably mention I wrote this chapter years ago but only adjusted some things at the beginning of the year before January

Milo Future Spoilers

There was nothing like the humidity of South Carolina; damp, sweltering, and mouth drying.

Neil smacked his lips and wiped sweat off the back of his neck. No, nothing like it.

The press of something freezing was soothing for a split second before it was alerting. Neil flinched away from the cold glass bottle Andrew pushed against his neck before taking it.

"Thanks."

Andrew squatted next to him, picking under his armbands to collect the sweat building up under them. Neil stared because Neil liked this pair. A shade of white with the thinnest pair of double orange stripes down the inner forearm. Andrew didn't wear them for much. It didn't go with the silver and gold tone of his uniform nor the black of his wardrobe. He hadn't really put them on since Allison gifted them to him back in 2012.

Andrew took Neil's soda from him after watching the man do little to open the damn thing. He popped off the cap, licking the back before pressing it to Neil's forehead.

Neil quirked up a smile. "It's fresh."

Andrew just turned away with his own drink half done.

"Where the fuck is Nicky? It's boiling out here!" Allison shouted from where she was handing out drinks.

Aaron flicked cooler water at Matt when the man attempted to steal the last lemonade. "Probably got sidetracked talking about Germany again. He acts as if we haven't been caught up with him in the last week."

Kevin rattled the doors like a madman. "Let me in.

We're right here, let me in!"

It would have been hilarious, enough to bring smiles and teasing from the old Foxes. But recently, with Kevin's publicized relapse and his alleged divorce from Thea, well, no one was laughing at Kevin these days.

The outer court walls had seen better days too.

The orange paint had faded to a yellow hue, chipped and dusty with tagging unwashed at the corners. Neil knew the Palmetto Foxes had been on a fortunate rise and he knew sometime after his leave did it begin to fall apart. Wymack bit off more than he could chew, they said. Too many scandals, too many suicides and murders, too many delinquents being allowed on a court. But Neil supposes they did well enough to keep those doors open another year.

Neil's drink was promptly swiped from his hands, the culprit? His son, Milo.

"If you're not gonna drink it at least don't let it go hot."

Neil squinted up at the boy. He did that standing too. Milo had hit puberty and outgrew Neil sometime between 12 and 13, but then the growing never stopped. He stood now, at an even 6ft with no chance of finishing his growth spurt.

Lanky and awkward teenage limbs, freckled and messy haired, Milo somehow stopped looking like Neil. Everyone always says his baby face is nostalgic to first year Neil Josten, but if you put the pictures side by side, Milo always had something Neil didn't. There was a sharpness to him, something he couldn't hide better than Neil.

"Kevin, stop playing with the doors, you'll break them." Renee chastised. It was a miracle to have her here with them in the flesh at all. She spent most of their reunions on video chat with low internet. "I'm sure Coach will be here soon with the keys."

Milo, soda long finished, turned to Kevin with an otter pop between his teeth. "Does it bother you that much?" He mumbled.

Kevin let go of the doors with reluctance. "No... I just... I want to see it already."

Milo hummed around his treat before standing and marching over to the doors. He hip checked Kevin—an eerie sight as they stood head to head in height—and pulled something from his pocket.

Milo fiddled with the fence and it sprung open.

The Old Foxes stared in disbelief.

"You had the keys the whole time? Milo!" Dan said.

Milo shrugged, displaying a paperclip and a hairpin. He shoved the fence out the way and marched on to the doors he'd need a code for. As Milo fooled around with it, the Foxes all turned to Neil with faces of amusement and exasperation.

"He's your son alright." They said.

"Little Josten."

"Little Monster." They all cooed.

"That's 'Little Minyard-Josten' to you." Milo announced before punching a button on the door.

It beeped and clicked and Milo turned the handle to allow everyone inside.

"How did you know the code!?" Kevin wondered.

"They just had a baby, no?" Milo pointed out. "It's always been someone's birthday."

The foyer was almost the same as they'd all last seen it. Orange benches were set here and there, and the floor was white tile with orange paw prints. Orange cones were stacked in a corner, three deep and six high. A white door was on the wall to their right, and an orange door was opposite them. Only difference was there was a crack in the wall no one patched up, and the white tiles had muddled down to a moppy grey.

Milo moved past it to the gear closet. As the Old Foxes looked around and chatted about memories a decade old, Milo had suited up and stolen a racquet.

"Should we let him keep doing that?" Allison muttered to the rest.

"Leave him be, this is the most excited we've seen him since before the B R E A K U P call." Dan whispered.

"You know he can spell faster than us, right?"

Aaron whispered back.

"And you know you're a bad whisperer, right?"

Matt countered.

"Cousins!" Anything Aaron was about to say was cut off by Nicky's loud arrival. He raced towards Aaron and Andrew, bringing them into tight squeezes despite the twos wriggling.

Neil smiled because it'd been three years since Andrew had told Nicky he could hug him without asking. Andrew sometimes snapped that he was sick of it, but Andrew had also told Neil years ago that he didn't do regret.

Nicky let out a sharp gasp from his position in hugging Neil. He all but shoved the man into Matt before springing himself onto Milo. "My baby nephew! You've gotten so big! Last time I saw you you were definitely a head shorter! What are they feeding you? Is it Kevin's diet?"

Milo smiled and hugged Nicky as hard as he could despite the pads. "A mix of junk food and Kevin's dietary plan I only follow when I'm bored."

Kevin sent him a glare for that but went back to finding proper gear without a word.

"How did any of you get inside?" Wymack wondered gruffly. Standing in the flesh, was their beloved coach who hadn't seemed to age a day in their eyes. The only thing new was the baby attached to his chest.

Everyone flooded his space in an instant, cooing and awing at the little infant with orange bows in her curly hair. It was a shame Kevin had to be the one to tell them Wymack and Abby were having a baby. He was too excited to remember they wanted to surprise everyone. Sarah was adopted by them as soon as she'd been born, the baby of a previous Fox who didn't want children. None of them knew her from anything other than the tabloids that printed her face everywhere on Exy news the week after her discharge from the hospital. She dropped out of Palmetto soon after and was in the wind before Wymack and Abby could say goodbye.

"Okay you animals, get your diseased faces out of my baby's face. And Kevin, get your face out that closet and hug me dammit."

Kevin paused from where he was pulling a pair of gloves out of the gear closet to sheepishly shuffle over to his father.

"Where's Abby?" Kevin asked as he smiled at

Sarah's squinty face.

"Napping. She wanted to come by but I told her we'd be here all day and she can stop by when she's had at least an hour of sleep." Wymack said.

He tossed the court keys at Neil who used them to unlock all of the doors inside.

Before anyone finished dressing, Jeremy Knox and Jean Moreau knocked on the locker room doors. This reunion was special, a chance for Jean to see Renee, and Jeremy to see Kevin in an act of support in these dire times.

Having so many professional exy stars in one room felt charged in a way. Kevin seemed ready to cream his pants, or so Andrew commented.

Jeremy looked good in orange and Jean looked like he'd rather do the scrimmage naked. But Neil only had eyes for Andrew whose old uniform stretched on him like a wet dream.

"Can you even play like that?" Aaron smirked, silently laughing at Andrew's predicament. Aaron hadn't been on his college grind in so long, he'd lost muscle mass but gained a healthy weight that his uniform fit almost perfectly.

Andrew silently knocked Aaron on the shoulder with his racquet and clicked his tongue at the weight of it. Neil understood the feeling. Their old racquets were like feathers, Neil wasn't sure he could play with something so lightweight.

Milo was setting up cones and baskets of exy balls with cheerfulness. He was running around the court with a giddiness that rubbed off onto everyone else.

"Don't forget to stretch," Kevin reminded him.

Milo turned and threw his body into a bridge position before resting into a handstand.

"Show off." Kevin grumbled as Jeremy laughed.

Milo properly stretched afterward, first to finish as he picked up the basket of exy balls.

"I wanna show you something. Miss Renee, may you take the goal for me?" Milo asked.

“My pleasure,” Renee said with a smile. She gave Andrew a friendly pat on the shoulder and took her place in the goal.

“We don’t have all day, Milo.” Kevin complained.

“Let him do what he wants, it’s his first game playing with us.” Dan said.

“My first game playing with you guys was actually in the morning of July 14th, 2006. It was my ‘Unbirthday’ as uncle Nicky put it and Matt knocked me onto my back.” Milo said as he got into position.

“You can’t count that as a real game.” Kevin said.

Milo smiled over his shoulder, one of the ones that made the Foxes refer to him as ‘Little Monster’ at times. “Shut up, Day, and watch this.”

He looked back at Renee who nodded at him and got into position. The stance was loose but almost as sturdy as it’d been all those years ago. Milo took up a ball and tossed it to her lightly, allowing her to hit it back far enough he’d have to chase it down the court. And Milo did. He didn’t want to see where it was headed. With bullet-like speed he took off, throwing himself from the wall, flying down the court before anyone could do much as turn their heads. The ball hit a far wall and came back. Milo jumped, snatching it from the air and landing on his left foot before propelling himself forward. He made light work of the cones and within 10 steps, scored on Renee. Neil didn’t know why but when Milo had taken the ball, he waited for a pass to someone who wasn’t there. It itched at his brain in a familiarity he couldn’t place.

Andrew narrowed his eyes before his mouth quirked into one of his amused expressions.

“What?” Neil wondered a little too loud.

“He’s just doing the most for no reason.” Kevin interrupted.

“He just mimicked Neil’s exact play his first time at a Fox match.” Andrew corrected.

Everyone turned to him in confusion.

Neil looked back, running it through his head but that game had been so long ago he didn’t remember.

Dan's eyes lit up, though. “He passed to me. Neil, you did that same jump thing your first game—back when Seth was taken off and you made your debut. You passed to me because someone was on your ass.”

“There’s no way. We can’t even remember it clearly. No one can say for sure.” Allison said.

Andrew tapped his temple. “I can. Memory like a steel trap, I never took my eyes off him. I’m the one who passed the ball to Neil.”

“It’s a fluke.” Kevin said.

Milo whistled at them to get everyone’s attention. “I’m not finished.” He tossed another ball to Renee. “I’ll call it for you this time; Seth Gordon 2006.” Milo changed the grip on his racquet, hands lower as his fingers gesture higher. He straightened his back and ran a few seconds after the ball flew, watching it with his eyes and racing at a slower yet more desperate pace. Once he’d caught it, he whipped it over his shoulder with such speed and strength, it nearly clipped Renee on the shoulder.

“There’s no way to guarantee that.” Kevin hissed.

Milo tossed another ball and cocked his head at Kevin. “Really? Let’s get more famous. Let’s see…” Milo tapped the button of his racquet against the floor and passed his stick to his left hand and the movement was so specific, Jean and the Foxes straightened in disbelief. “Kevin Day, 2007.” Milo called, once again changing his posture. The ball went and Milo moved, catching it and weaving around cones with such single mindedness it was breathtaking. Renee was serious now as she waited, eager to stop Milo but incapable of accomplishing it. The ball whistled past her ear and the Foxes roared in incredulous excitement.

“Join me, will you, Mister Knox?” Milo asked.

Jeremy smirked and followed onto the court. He attempted to take up a backliner position but Milo moved him into the striker mark. He passed a ball to Jeremy and motioned for him to continue. The Foxes readied for whatever trick Milo held up his sleeve next. He moved his racquet back to his right and hunched his shoulders a bit in a way that left him open for injury. Jeremy moved to get past him and Milo hooked his foot around his and sent him stumbling. Milo then yanked his stick out of his unassuming hands with a simple twist, stealing the ball and sending it across the court to be slammed into the goal wall.

“Jean Moreau, 2005.” Milo said. Jeremy was on his ass behind him, clutching his wrist in surprise.

“That was a dirty move. I had so much faith in you.”

Milo gave him his racquet, using it to pull Jeremy to his feet. “You were expecting Jean-Yvves Moreau, 2009. But I like surprises.”

Jean frowned from his place by the Foxes. “That move is long dead. You can hurt someone with it.”

Milo held up Jeremy’s arm by the elbow, waving it at Jean. “He’s all in one piece. Now I’ve got something special for you all. Get on the court, Miss Renee, Drew, you may wait for my last demonstration off to the side.

As they all took their marks, not for a scrimmage but for shooting on the goal, Milo sauntered onto Renee’s place, tossing his racquet for hers. He spun it around and moved his hands before crouching and staring them down the court. Even with the helmet over his eyes, there was an intensity that boiled the cool air into something claustrophobic to the group. No one had to guess who Milo was mimicking now, but he still called out to them.

“Andrew Minyard, 2016.”

Neil got first dibs as he was the first to line up. He moved past Nicky and shot at the goal with a ferocity he saved for real matches. The deafening crack that boomed through the space as Milo’s racquet connected with the ball made everyone flinch in their spots. The ball sailed through the air like a jet before smacking into the other goal.

“There’s no way you did that!” Nicky screamed.

“That’s Andrew’s move. Do you know how many goalies have attempted to replicate that and succeeded?” Kevin shouted. “Eight! Only six have accomplished it in all exy history!”

“Seven, counting me.” Milo said, tossing the racquet over his shoulder. “But if I’m truly honest, I wouldn’t be able to do it again as accurately. Especially during an intense game. I’ve practiced your moves since I could hold a racquet and I've mastered your techniques in less years than you’ve all been playing. But Drew’s moves are special.”

Kevin was still staring at the ball across the court. “We need that tape. Get us that tape. You’ll need to show it to recruiters—”

“Slow down, Kevin.” Jeremy said.

“You’re turning red.” Jean said.

Kevin seemed close to fainting. When he’d had some water and Wymack promised to send him the security tape, they all got their chance to shoot on Milo who didn’t allow a single one through. After the showboating, they played a real scrimmage. Whoever won got to play with Milo next and even as Kevin lost thrice in a row, he never stopped his giddy chatter about the places Milo would go and the changes he’d bring to the sport.

[babybearnation]

think i like you best when you're just with me

⎇f1 drivers x gn!reader - you're trying to quit smoking (reactions) ⎇contains: alex albon, arthur leclerc, charles leclerc, dino beganovic, george russell, zhou guanyu, kimi antonelli, lance stroll, lando norris, liam lawson, logan sargeant, max verstappen, mick schumacher, ollie bearman, oscar piastri, paul aron, pierre gasly, yuki tsunoda ⎇author's note: this is something i struggle with so i appreciate 🔒 anon for requesting this! if you're trying to quit an addiction, i love you, i believe in you, stay strong! (kofi for long fics) ⎇content warnings: smoking/addiction/relapses (all), crying (alex, charles, logan, max), arguing (kimi, max), suggestive (lando, ollie, yuki) ⎇word count: 2.1k

alex albon:

alex is not going to judge you for struggling. he understands that sometimes people turn to shitty things to cope with life. when you confess that you want to quit smoking, alex is immediately looking up all the strategies he can. he'll find your cigarettes and keep them on his person that way he can try and stop you when you go for one, he'll convince you to put out your cigarette if he catches you with one, he'll even let you play with his hands or his hair if it means you won't think about the feeling of a cigarette between your fingers. and if you break down in tears because life sucks and you just want to smoke, he'll hold you and cheer you up until you feel better.

arthur leclerc:

monaco has one of the highest rates of smoking in all of europe so arthur is probably pretty desensitized to seeing people smoke. he'll still be pretty upset if he finds out that you smoke, though. upon discovering that you want to quit, arthur is immediately on board, helping you slowly but surely remove the desire to smoke from your life. if you ever relapse, he might be angry at first, but he soon learns that you really cannot help it. after that he becomes much better at helping you leave the cigarettes behind. any milestones you hit in your smoking cessation journey will be celebrated however you so desire because he truly believes that's what you deserve.

charles leclerc:

he might be a bit baffled as to why you smoke but when you explain to him that it helps you deal with stress, he's gonna be stressed himself. he doesn't want you smoking - he wants you as healthy as possible, thank you - but he gets it. when you tearfully suggest that you want to quit, he's helping you as soon as he can. he'll get you those patches or mints for the first couple months, and he nab and destroy any cigarette he catches you with (with permission, he does not want to upset you further), but eventually, he switches paths and tries to get rid of your stress. he'll do whatever is takes to help you quit, tbh.

dino beganovic:

he's not really happy about the fact that you smoke but he knows he can't control you, so he will just request that you don't smoke in his presence. when you decide that, actually, killing your lungs really isn't worth it, you'll ask him to help you quit. he'll be patient with you as you attempt to quit, always careful not to push you too far, but also knowing exactly when to be more commanding. he doesn't want you to experience any relapses, but he's prepared mentally and physically for when/if you do. he's really sweet about helping you quit, even if his initial reaction to finding out you smoke was one of pure disgust.

george russell:

there's actually a pretty big smoking culture in the uk so i wouldn't be surprised if george has encountered many smokers in his time as a brit, but he's a bit shocked when he discovers you're one as well. he won't be completely disgusted - people cope in a myriad of ways, after all - but he will push you towards trying to quit. when you eventually agree, he's laying out all the options towards cessation that exist, giving you the pros and cons of each one. he's done his research, which means he's really good at helping you fight your cravings and preventing any relapses. if you ever do relapse though? it's okay, he won't judge. he gets it and he will help you get back on your feet so you can try again.

zhou guanyu:

he thinks its a dirty habit and will say as much to you, but in a much nicer way than that seems. when you ask him to help you with fighting your addiction, he's there instantly. you want his help? you'll get it! he's not going to let you suffer alone. he's very patient in the early stages, understanding that relapses are bound to happen. if you get really distraught over these relapses, he will do everything in his power to cheer you up, even if that means he has to ruin his cool guy persona and embarrass himself to make you laugh. he will do literally anything to make sure you go through cessation without too much trouble.

kimi antonelli:

he's young and been embroiled in the world of motorsport for a very long time, under heavy watch from mercedes, so he's probably never even considered smoking before. when you confess to him that you smoke (probably since before you were legally able to), he's gonna be upset and this might trigger an argument between you two but it comes from a place of love and concern for him. the second you suggest quitting and finding other coping mechanisms, he's there. he'll think of every single way he can to prevent you from smoking. if that means you have to travel all around the world with him so he can keep an eye on you, then so be it!

lance stroll:

i would not be surprised if this man has smoked before and hated it. he gets it though - he deals with perpetual stress in his line of work and he has plenty of coping mechanisms. he's gonna be a bit upset that you chose smoking of all things, but he'll happily let you do whatever you want because he gets it. when you say you want to quit, however, he's there. he's paying for all the expensive alternatives and treatments, getting you all the therapies. hell, if he can, he'll even pay away your stress. your job is your stress? okay, well, your new job is as his full time SAP so. enjoy it. anything he can do to make your life easier and to reduce your stress so you'll stop smoking, he'll have it done by the end of the day.

lando norris:

whilst he might find it hot that you smoke, he's also gonna be a little bit concerned because he's fully watched you chain smoke three cigarettes before and that surely cannot be good for your lungs. when you tell him you've started the process of quitting, he'll be so proud of you and he'll offer to help every single step of the way. it's really hard to relapse around him because he'll shoot you with a water gun every time he catches you smoking. despite being a chaotic gremlin most of the time, lando really does understand stress very well and so he'll understand your cravings and relapses. he'll never make you feel upset. if its the feeling of something in your mouth you crave, well... lando's got that covered ;).

liam lawson:

he's not happy about it, but he understands that you smoke because you're stressed. he may accidentally push you too far when insisting that you try and quit, but when you come to him and say that you wanna quit because you yourself has decided to, he feels a little victorious knowing he played some role in that. he can be a bit too aggressive with you at first - demanding to know why you thought relapsing was okay - but he quickly researches more into nicotine addictions and realises you really can't help it. after that, he becomes much more helpful and your path to cessation becomes much easier.

logan sargeant:

if anyone understands stress, it's this man, so when he catches you ripping into a new pack of cigarettes as tears stream down your face, he gets it. he might try and stop you that first time but ultimately, he wants you to make the decision to stop. so when you ask him if he'd help you fight the addiction, he's obviously saying yes. he's there to hold you when you cry and try and stop you when you relapse, but every month you pass without smoking, he'll buy you something nice. a little material motivation/incentive never hurt anyone, right?

max verstappen:

he loves you, he really does, but he isn't entirely sure if he can handle your smoking. it might cause a rift or an argument, but eventually he realises how deep your addiction is and offers to help you get out of it when you end up crying during another argument. he helps you with alternative products (patches/mints/e-cigs), or he'll pay for group therapy or he'll snatch any and every cigarette he sees you smoking out of your hand. whatever it takes for you to quit, he'll do it, because he wants you to be happy and healthy and he doesn't believe any amount of cigarettes is good for either of those things.

mick schumacher:

it breaks his heart to know that you turned to smoking because you were too stressed about life. his heart is well and truly broken. he's very kind and patient with you though, and if you're really struggling, he'll go out and buy you cigarettes, but he hates seeing you smoke. when you tell him you're quitting and that he has to hold you responsible, he does. he takes his job very seriously and will help prevent, or at least soften the blow of, any relapses that may happen. when you get to one year cigarette free, he celebrates in a way that suits you because that's an incredible achievement that deserves to be celebrated!

ollie bearman:

i think ollie would be so torn on this. on the one hand, he hates that you're smoking because you're stressed. he hates that you're hurting. on the other hand? you smoking is fucking hot. when you tell him you want to quit, he might playfully protest but when he realises how serious you actually are, he'll put the jokes away and asks how he can help and support you. every step of the way, every stumble and every success, ollie is there to help you. some people might think its weird how overprotective of you he appears to be, but he refuses to let you get hurt and sink back into that place of smoking ever again.

oscar piastri:

he's soft yet blunt on his thoughts regarding you smoking - he hates it, but it's your life. when you tell him you want to quit because you refuse to let stress and smoking control your life anymore, oscar's on board basically instantly. he's researching the best strategies to fight a nicotine addiction and he's slowly helping you implement them into your life and test the waters to see if they help. he knows there will be bad days and he's always willing to hold you through all of them, but he can't help but be so proud when you hit milestones, no matter how many times you've hit them before.

paul aron:

he seems very strict about taking care of his health and being at peak performance so realising he's dating someone who smokes might jolt him but he's never once gonna be mean to you about it. people have different ways of coping and he won't shame you for yours. is he gonna pounce on the idea of you quitting the second you hint at it? of course he is, but he's not pushy. he's only ever pushing you to stop when you tell him to because you know he can help prevent a relapse or help you deal with something stressful. if you ever slip up, he won't hold it over your head. it happens. he'll pick you up and help you carry on or start again.

pierre gasly:

another one who might be a bit upset at first but quickly learns that you are deep into addiction and aren't able to just up and quit like other people can. he'll be there to guide you through every step of your smoking cessation, always cheering you on when you do well or comforting you when you slip up and relapse. he'll never make you feel like you're wrong or dirty for smoking. he's just so supportive!

yuki tsunoda:

yuki might find it hot at first but those feelings are very quickly washed away by panic and concern. why were you smoking? did you want to quit or was this something you planned to do for the rest of your life? when you tell him you want to quit, yuki will try his best to cheer you on. he offers to cook for you as motivation but like.. he always cooks for you. luckily, he's cute enough that it's fine, but you do have to find a proper source of motivation to keep you going. and seeing the way yuki's eyes get brighter with each milestone you hit, you quickly realise what that source is.

© all rights to babybearnation 2025.

[whumpbug]

whumperless whump event day 5: stealing my breath (give it back) @whumperless-whump-event

wheezing / light-headed

see this post for character information!

caretaker: Cassidy

whumpee: Gene

genuinely decided while writing this about gene having asthma. it flares up in situations like this or when he's sick. Good Whump Content......

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

Sometimes, Gene wondered how people lived before having horses.

This sucked.

He silently cursed Sheriff Caufield for being the lazy bastard he was.

Gene was responsible for tracking down and arresting some members of Montana’s gang that had robbed a train car about 2 days ago. Rumor had it that the gang splintered off in order to hide, and were going to regroup in just a week. That meant it was now or never to try and find some of the more notorious offenders and lock them up for good.

The trouble was that the particular lead Gene had been sent to follow was up a complicated and winding mountain trail.

Now, Calliope was a very well trained and easy-going horse. That did not mean that she was scare-proof. If something startled her up there on the trail, and she bucked Gene off, the chance of him falling right down the side of the mountain was too high for comfort. 

So, he was forced to foot it up the steep trail.

And it was miserable.

Gene considered himself a fit man. He sort of had to be, with his line of work and all. Still, he was not this fit and he felt seconds away from toppling over on this damn hike.

One foot in front of the other. Come on, Delaney.

He used a stray root as a handle and hoisted himself up over a small ledge for what felt like the millionth time. He started to wonder if he was even going the right way.

He stole a quick glance at the sun and saw that it had hardly moved from the last time he checked.

He groaned.

Surely, it wouldn’t hurt to sit for a few moments. The smoke trail he’d been following had been steadily growing closer. If he rested now, he’d probably feel right as rain once he barged into the makeshift camp, and he’d probably perform a whole lot better too.

Without giving it too much more thought, he plunked down against a large rock to give himself some semblance of coverage, tilting his head back and trying to catch his breath.

Apparently, it was easier said than done.

Unfortunately, the unceremonious way he lowered himself to the ground kicked up dust all around him, and it was quickly becoming harder and harder to breathe around the particles.

Also, for some reason, his panting wasn’t seeming to slow down. On the contrary, his breathing only seemed to become more erratic.

He suddenly paled when a thought crossed his mind.

When he was a little boy, he remembered being rushed to the doctor after he caught a cold once. He had been struggling to breathe, and his mother didn’t know what else to do.

The doctor had told them that it had been something called an asthma attack. He said that Gene would likely outgrow it, but to be careful, because under the right circumstances, he could always relapse.

This sure as hell seemed like the "right circumstances". 

Gene scrambled to sit up, thumping at his chest with a fist in an attempt to get some air.  Strangled coughs left his mouth, returning as grating wheezes. He would have cursed if he could. 

He tried to cough again, he tried to do anything that would open his airways somehow, but it was no use. It felt like he was breathing through a straw-- like his body was simply going through the motions of inhaling without taking in any air.

He silently wondered if this was how he was going to die. There was no one around for miles except the very group of people that wanted him dead. The odds didn’t seem to be in his favor.

Still, he struggled valiantly for oxygen as black dots danced around his vision. He suddenly felt the strange sensation of his entire body tingling. He wheezed harder.

••••

“I’m gonna go check if there's anything useful down the mountain. I ain't gonna be far. Holler if you hear anything,” Cassidy called out, tucking his revolver into his hip holster and beginning down the rough trail.

The gang’s current situation was… less than ideal. The train job had gone south, and Montana made the quick decision to have everyone split up.

Cassidy ended up with mostly the women and children. He supposed Montana wanted someone he trusted with the less skilled gunslingers.

That was Montana; always thinking two steps ahead. If he trusted Cassidy enough to take care of all these people, then by God he was gonna do it.

And that started with investigating the strange sound coming from down the trail.

Cassidy hadn’t said anything earlier. He didn’t want to scare the little ones, but he was quite certain there was a dying bobcat or coyote or something just a few minutes down, and there was no way in hell he was gonna let it near his camp.

He carefully skidded down a ledge and hopped onto a little patch of dirt. The sound was getting louder now, and he reached a hand down to his hip.

He whipped out his gun as he rounded the corner, aiming it towards the sound and--

In front of him was, in fact, not a dying animal, but the last person Cassidy had expected (or wanted) to see.

And something was very wrong.

Gene was leaned back against a rock, hands clutching frantically at his chest. His eyes were wide and panicked, blinking rapidly as if trying to clear his vision. The worst part, though, were the sickly wheezes and gasps that left him. His lips were tinged pale blue as he fought for every breath he took.

“Shit, Delaney,” Cassidy hissed, crashing to his knees beside the deputy. Deft hands quickly unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt as Cassidy yanked him up to a sitting position.

Cassidy knew what this was. He was no stranger to these kinds of attacks. One of the younger boys in the gang had severe asthma as well. Cassidy was in charge of periodically stealing asthma cigarettes from the doctor when they went into town and--

Right. The box must be at camp.

“Alright, stay right here. I’ll be right back, okay?”

Gene’s eyes flashed with fear, a plea of “don’t leave me.” Another high-pitched wheeze escaped his lips, almost sounding like a word.

“S’lver,” Gene managed, trying to grab at his wrist.

“I know, I know. I’m gonna help. I ain’t gonna leave you. Just gimme a second, would ya?” He huffed, before sprinting away.

Ms. Holly, one of the mothers at camp, stepped forward when she saw Cassidy running to her tent like a maniac.

“Now just what exactly did you see out there-- what are you doing going through my boy’s stuff?!”

“Can’t talk,” was all Cassidy could manage before emerging with the box of cigarettes.

Her further questions were cut off by Cassidy bolting out and back down the mountain.

“Now what in the hell was that about?” She murmured.

Cassidy practically flew down the mountain this time, not caring about watching his step. He found Gene easily, but noted with horror that his wheezes were quieter now-- they were weaker. 

“You’re gonna owe me big time, cowboy,” Cassidy remarked, sparking up his lighter and lighting one of the medicated cigarettes.

Gene was flagging now, eyes glassy and unfocused. He hardly even reacted to Cassidy kneeling beside him and propping him up once again.

Cassidy carefully pressed the cigarette to Gene’s lips, stabilizing him with a gentle hand on his chest.

“C’mon, y’damn idiot, you gotta puff,” Cassidy urged, patting Gene’s chest lightly.

Gene coughed slightly, and attempted to do as he was told. He took a small, sputtering drag of the cigarette, coughing at the bitter taste of the smoke.

“Good, that’s real good. I know it tastes as foul as sin, but it’ll help you. Just keep goin’” Cassidy soothed, his voice surprisingly gentle.

After a few more choked drags from the cigarettes, the color began to return to Gene’s face. He was still wheezing, but he felt like he was actually taking some air in instead of just spasming. 

Cassidy hadn’t noticed that his hand was rubbing up and down the deputy’s spine the entire time.

When Gene's airways finally opened up enough to take a full breath, he collapsed listlessly against Cassidy, panting for sweet oxygen. He looked utterly spent.

“S’lver,” He coughed, reaching up to catch his wrist. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, don’t mention it." His eyes flitted up in the direction of the camp. "I assume this means you’ll turn a blind eye to this?”

Gene nodded, letting his eyes fall shut. He didn’t give a damn what the sheriff would say, he was just grateful to be alive.

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

[angiiepaniic]

🧠 💫🍿 for the asks! 🥹🥹💚💚💚💚

MY BELOVED HELLO!!! gonna save 💫 for last cuz it’s gonna be SAPPY

🧠 ~ What sort of things do you like to imagine yourself doing with your f/o?

as always bill and i love movies, as i’ve mentioned a few times before! we’re generally pretty lazy people so we’re big ‘’snuggle in bed all day’’ kinda people

im a big gamer, i’d say - nothing crazy, but sometimes i’ll play minecraft or roblox in bed, or i’ll play something on my ps4 - we like doing parallel play a lot! bill might scroll through his phone and show me tiktoks while i play, or we’ll yap aimlessly

weirdly enough, i’ve been playing video games my whole life and im pretty shit at them - but when i ask bill to complete a level for me he gets it in ONE FUCKING GO even tho he’s never even been around a video game until 5-6 years ago. magic.

i haven’t done this yet but i love the idea of bill and i cooking together! neither of us can really do it, so i think it’d be fun to learn that skill together <3

something else we like doing (as cheesy as it is) is dance in the rain together! or sometimes on more sentimental days we might light some candles and slow dance in the kitchen (i even have a playlist for it <3)

bill is typically a bit insecure when it comes to his masculinity, which is ok! he’s learning! but when we’re alone together he really does get soft and sappy, and it’s absolutely my favourite

🍿 ~ It’s movie night for you & your f/o, what film are you gonna snuggle up & watch?

i personally think action films are the most fun! i like the guns and explosions, bill definitely likes the guns and explosions - there’s nothing like cozying up on the couch with a jason statham film with a bunch of snacks and some soda :3

but i also like horror movies! bill gets scared shitless (as do i) but he likes suggesting horror movie nights solely because he knows im gonna screech and jump into his arms, and whenever i do he has the biggest cat-ate-the-canary look on his face. dork (/affectionate)

💫 ~ What would you consider your relationship with your f/o to be? What does it mean to you?

the first parts easy - bill and i are married! perhaps not in the traditional way, there was no fancy wedding, just us and a couple friends (we don’t like crowds. and bill hates wearing suits), but i fully believe that we’re soulmates - we’re meant for each other

what it means to me? absolutely everything. i mean everything.

(content warning for this bit <3)

i struggled a lot when i was in high school, i was super depressed, super lonely, i struggled with an addiction that i won’t name - but when i fell for bill i found that shipping him with an s/i was incredibly helpful, made me feel less alone - especially since he was struggling with an addiction of his own

because of him i stopped relapsing, i went back to therapy, and overall im just… happier, thanks to him. and i know he’s happier, too. we help each other: heal each other. hell, he was the one to point out that i could be non binary, and even helped me with coming out

i don’t use a self insert these days since im over eighteen, and frankly those early self shipping days are v awkward to look back on - but i look back on them fondly, because, in a way, bill saved me. and i can only hope i can do the same for him, too

i love him more than anything, and nothing’s gonna change that. i’ll be old and hagged and i’ll still adore him <3

[vincess-princess]

we, the psychos

ch. 4

Word count: 2253 Warnings: - A/N: i always knew this fic is destined to be continued. the only question was when.

“You are a fool, Sixx,” Mick said tiredly as he sat down onto the bed where Nikki lay. “Plain and simple.”

“I know,” Nikki sighed, looking down at his bandaged legs and his right hand that had acquired three brand new stitches. It won’t be soon until he can squeeze his fist properly. “I just… you know how it goes. The first cut, you get scared. And then it’s down the emotional rollercoaster. Have you ever been on a rollercoaster, Mick?”

“Barely heard about it,” Mick said. “Is that something Russian-related?”

“Me neither. I’d like to take a ride on there. You’re up in the air – and then you’re falling, but it’s safe falling, it won’t hurt you. Because every time I fall, I end up in the med wing.” He waved at his bandaged legs. “And yeah, I think it’s something Russian-related. Not sure how. Could you get me a book here, Mick?”

“You know Dr. Duren won’t allow that,” Mick shook his head. “He’s already mad at you, I think. It’s been weeks since your last relapse – you made progress, and now this.”

“Oh, don’t you chastise me too!” Nikki rolled his eyes. “I couldn’t, okay? I couldn’t. I was thinking. And it always ends bad.”

“About what?”

Nikki turned away from him and said nothing.

“About what, Nikki?” Mick stretched out his hand, gripped Nikki’s chin and turned his face towards himself to look him in the eyes. Then realization dawned on him.

”Don’t say it’s that Wharton bastard!” he groaned. “You said it was over! You were done! What did he do to you? What did he say?”

Nikki looked away, lips sealed tight, afraid Mick will feel the bitterness filling his mouth.

“You quarreled?” Mick insisted, putting one hand on Nikki’s thigh and squeezing it slightly, making him wince. “What else that was now?”

Nikki swallowed forcefully. He wished nothing of his affair with Vince leaked to the rest of the asylum, but Wharton liked to brag, sometimes overlooking basic safety measures. He could be sure Mick wouldn’t tell anyone, but how long will it be before other patients or, God forbid, nurses suspect something?

“What was that, Nikki?” Mick shook his leg. “You wanna stay silent and keep wallowing in your misery or figure out what to do together?”

“Definitely the second,” Nikki curved his mouth into a bitter smile. “My, well, situation with Vin- with Wharton is none of your business. I appreciate the concern, though.”

“Oh no, that’s where you’re wrong,” Mick looked so indignant Nikki had to hold back a laugh. He’d never seen old man redden as much. “It is exactly my business, and you know why? Because I don’t wanna go to your funeral, and don’t you even hope I waste my money on a wreath for you. You get me?”

“Yeah, yeah. The usual threats.”

“You damn better believe them!” Mick rose from his chair and crossed the room, standing in front of a barred window. “You don’t wanna tell me anything – fine. I’ll find out myself. I heard Wharton is in a padded cell now, but once he’s out you bet I’m gonna ask him. And he ain’t gonna get rid of me that easy.”

Oh god. Mick considered it above himself to speak to Vince, but once he set up on something he was unstoppable. Nikki couldn’t allow him to intervene in their relationship.

“I’ll speak to him myself,” Nikki said hurriedly. “We have some things to resolve. And them I’m gonna be good. I promise.”

Mick smiled. “Now you’re talking different.” Damn manipulator. He knew how to force Nikki to do what he didn’t want to do, and used it constantly. For Nikki’s sake, of course, but what Nikki needed and what Mick thought Nikki needed were vastly different things. “You do that right when he gets out, and tell me how it went later.”

“Sure, sure.” Whatever Vince was gonna say was definitely not what Mick would wanna hear. Nikki needed to invent some palatable lie after their talk.

“Alright.” Mick turned to Nikki. “I’m gonna work the med wing for one more week. You need to come for bandaging again in two days, then in a week we’ll be removing stitches if everything goes well. After that you won’t have any allies here anymore, and the local nurses don’t really bother caring for self-harmers like you. So you better keep your hands to yourself. Got me?”

“I appreciate everything you did for me, Mick.”

“Sure you do! Now, I’ve still got a couple patients to attend. Off you go.”

“Thanks again.”

“Yeah, don’t mention it.”

Walking was painful – the bandages grinded on stitches and irritated them. Maybe it would be better to take them off altogether – when the wounds would close enough to not bleed through his pants randomly. Which they yet haven’t.

A nurse escorted Nikki to his ward. He used to share it, but his cellmates didn’t like his pacing and talking when manic, so he was transferred. Now he almost missed those manic spells – at least he was feeling great about himself during them. But the last one was seven months ago, and since then it’s only been deeper and deeper into the darkness.

On the other hand, he was manic when he and Vince decided to hook up the first time. Weren’t for that, he’d never approach the sex-obsessed narcissistic ticking bomb that Vince was. Nikki knew him better now, and that description fit even more.

He stayed in his cell until lunch, when Dr. Duren was to see him. It was boring inside, and the stitches began to itch underneath the bandages. Nikki knew better than to scratch them with his nails, but it was extremely hard to keep his hands away. The couple hours he had to wait seemed an eternity.

Hudson came to escort him.

“Yeah, man, you’re in deep,” he told Nikki right off the bat. “Dr. Duren is very disappointed.”

“Thanks, that’s very encouraging,” Nikki muttered. “What’s it gonna be?”

“No idea.” Hudson shrugged. “C’mon. He’s already pissed today. Heard what Wharton did?”

God, what was it again?

“No, I wasn’t at breakfast, remember?”

“Oh, if I’m gonna remember where all of you bastards were and when I’ll have no memory left for my stuff.” Hudson waited until Nikki shuffled out of his ward and closed the door. Together they headed down the hall. “He got in a fight! Again! And that’s right after being released from the padded cell! The fucking audacity!”

Nikki’s heart skipped a bit. “He sure has enough of that. Who was the sorry fellow?”

“The newbie. You probably haven’t seen him yet. Looked feeble, but did pack Wharton a punch.”

Was that the laughing guy? Nikki didn’t dwell on it much, though. Vince’s fate was much more interesting to him.

“And what of him?”

“He’s back to his ward. Duff said it’s real fancy, with curtains and carpet and all. Who even is that guy?”

“No, I mean Wharton.”

“Oh, him? Probably back to the padded cell. Simmons talked some about a cold shower too. Maybe that will bring him back to his senses.”

Vince underwent such “therapy” at least on a monthly basis, and it kept him relatively docile for a couple weeks after. So docile that he didn’t even want to fuck, which was always alarming. Nikki didn’t like him docile. That wasn’t what he liked him for.

“Don’t you think it just makes him worse? Being treated like that?”

Hudson looked at Nikki like he was cra- oh, right.

“C’mon, Feranna. You’re a smart guy. You should understand that some patients simply do not understand humane approach. It’s the nature of their illness. They only respect those that can show who calls the shots here. And people who treat them well – they just use them.”

Nikki knew that, yes. But Vince wasn’t like that. Or rather, he was, usually. But not with Nikki.

Or maybe Nikki was just fooling himself as usual, and Wharton just used him like Hudson said. Who knows.

Nikki pushed the thought in the back of his mind. He had other problems now. They stood in front of Dr. Duren’s door.

“I’m fucked?” Nikki half-asked Hudson.

“Thoroughly,” the nurse said honestly. “Well, in you go. I’ll wait here to escort you to the canteen afterwards.”

Nikki nodded and knocked on the door. His hand slightly shook, and he clenched it into a fist.

“Come in,” he heard. Nikki inhaled and walked in.

***

It had rained, and the garden looked especially unappealing this cold autumn day. What month was it, October? It hadn’t snowed yet, but it was already getting dark before dinner. Yeah, probably mid-October.

Mick had lost count of days long ago. It was all approximate now: snow fell first in mid-November and melted in April, the first birdsong came in March (Mick could hear it because he usually wasn’t sleeping in early morning), the sun rose before breakfast starting early May. His whole world was based on the asylum routine. It was not bad, really. Brought predictability into life. And Mick preferred to know what would happen in the foreseeable future.

Except sometimes it was disrupted. A patient would leave – some were cured and discharged, some died. The first case, those didn’t usually stay long at the asylum anyway so Mick didn’t really care. The core of the asylum population remained relatively the same for the last couple years – the sickest of the sickest, those that wouldn’t survive on their own or those that would make it hard for everyone else in the outside world. Some of them spent years in the asylum. For them, cure was considered unattainable and the only way out was death.

Mick was one of them – not the worst, though. Staff knew he was one of the calmest, most reasonable ones and were rather lax with him. Doesn’t hurt himself or others? Doesn’t shit his pants or throws plates at others in the canteen? Great patient, no special attention needed.

That’s why no one bat an eye when he wandered away from the main group that was cleaning up the yard from the fallen leaves. Nurse McKagan cast an occasional look in his direction, but that was it.

Now nurse McKagan was occupied talking with a patient. Mick hadn’t seen him here before; more than that, he wasn’t wearing an asylum robe, but rather fancy though simple trousers, an unbuttoned coat hanging loosely off his bony shoulders and a shirt with puffy sleeves underneath it. The sleeves looked ridiculous, but the guy managed to pull it off. He was young, way too young to be here, though Wharton was probably his age. He belonged here as much as a flower belonged on a heap of cow shit.

He was probably the one that arrived in a carriage at night. Mick hadn’t been at breakfast, but he heard the new guy already got into a fight with Wharton. While Wharton deserved that, it didn’t instill much hope in the new guy. He seemed to have gotten off the hook this time – though not without a bruise on his swelled cheekbone.

Well, he beat Wharton’s ass at least, and the bastard truly needed it.

Mick plucked a lone brown leaf off a branch in front of his face. It was always harder in autumn and winter – now everyone could see through the trees circling the asylum territory, and the feeling of an intent gaze on Mick’s skin intensified when outside. He rubbed the spot, but it didn’t go away. It never went away.

Mick tore the leaf into tiny pieces and watched them float to the ground. When he turned around, he saw McKagan right in front of him. He realised it was McKagan a couple moments later, after he already swung a punch.

McKagan yelped indignantly. He dodged at the last moment, and the fist barely grazed him, but it was probably unpleasant anyway.

“Deal! The fuck you doing!”

“Don’t sneak up on me! You know I can’t handle it!” Mick yelled back and breathed in deep to calm his racing heart.

“Alright, fair. I should’ve called you.” McKagan was the only nurse who could ever admit he was wrong, and patients appreciated him for that. Maybe it was because he hadn’t been at the asylum long – a couple of months at this point. He was too kind for this place. Psychos couldn’t handle kindness.

“What do you want?” Mick tried to sound friendly, to make up for his bout of aggression, but didn’t succeed much. McKagan didn’t take it too close to heart, though.

“I wanted to show Tommy,” – he pointed at the new guy standing a bit aside, eyeing Mick carefully, - “the grounds, but Stanley is sick today, and we don’t have enough staff to look after the main bunch. You’re a rather reasonable fellow, and you know everything here, so I thought you could show him around.”

“Me?” Of course, Mick was on good terms with most of the stuff, but McKagan definitely had too much confidence in him. Mick was a patient for a reason, after all.

“Yes, you.” The nurse smiled. “I’ll tell him not to sneak up on you.”

Well, that could be interesting. The new guy had hardly talked with anyone so far. Everyone must be dying of curiosity. And Mick here got a chance to learn as much about him as possible.

“Alright,” he said. “Will you introduce us?”

[myfairkatiecat]

Keefe (for bingo)

AHELDHKAUSHDKJAAHJSSHAKSBDKHSKSDSHAJAHDLDUSBSKSJSHALSHDHSKA

OK I CONTRADICTED MYSELF A LOT SO LET ME EXPLAIN

this is my favorite character of all time in any media, right up there with Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars, Nicholas & Nathaniel Benedict from TMBS (showverse) and Lancelot from bbc Merlin. Actually probably slightly above all those characters which is SAYING SOMETHING.

Is he comic relief? Yes.

Would I be his friend? Yes.

Has he done nothing wrong? Yes!! No he’s done many things wrong he’s so precious to me ok but the law he’s broken the law I love him so much he literally betrayed his friends I will always love him he has sooo much to answer for I’m glad Sophie forgives him after she chews him out she should chew him out longer but I suppose Fitz does that for her He has so many apologies to make but like he’s also done nothing wrong look I’m aware of my blorbo’s mistakes he’s honestly not as problematic as the tumblr fandom makes him out to be sometimes, and I MEAN that, but he’s also not as perfect and sweet as the eleven year olds on Wattpad make him out to be. He’s a LOT okay, you can’t analyze Keefe Sencen without the everything

Are my opinions unpopular? Yep! The other keefe girlies hate my opinions bc I acknowledge his character flaws and the Keefe haters hate my opinions bc I acknowledge the fact that he’s NOT an antagonist and actually has a lot of really good traits, and that’s NOT me making excuses. Also what are y’all on about saying he doesn’t get held accountable for his actions, like yeah Sophie forgives him pretty fast but not until she’s yelled at him, and the rest of his friends do NOT bounce back to normal (Fitz)

Do I relate to him? Yes, unfortunately. I have Fitz’s trauma and Keefe’s coping mechanisms (they aren’t good coping mechanisms but they’re literally mine)

Is the fandom wrong about him? Yes, the Keefe fans and Keefe haters alike. Don’t flatten this guy there’s SO MUCH THERE. (I’m not talking about my Keefe-negative mutuals—if I follow you, you didn’t flatten his character, I am very serious about Keefe Sencen)

Do I want to adopt him? YES I mean I’m literally his age but if I was old enough to adopt him I totally would, get that kid away from Cassius Sencen and kill Gisela Sencen. Honestly tho I’d settle for an Elwin adoption, dad!Elwin rocks

Did he need less screen time? *sighs in resigned Keefe fan* probably…objectively…yes…

Did canon do him dirty? I debated filling in this one. Because Shannon has made him a SUPER complex character. But also I swear if the ending of stellarlune isn’t the last time he steals something from Sophie to carry out a reckless plan he told no one about, I’ll riot. Don’t give him forward character progress and then erase it! If it’s a momentary relapse of bad habits I’ll allow it but I’m starting to want Shannon to let Keefe grow from all of that. Cause she keeps letting him get better—and then slip back. (Which isn’t unrealistic and I can work with!! I love him! But SHANNON PLEASE)

Do I want to study him? I want to get a full on PhD in this guy’s character arc actually

Did he need more screen time? Heh. Uh. Objectively NO. But also this amount of page time has allowed us to learn so much about his character complexities?? Like I’m torn between missing the other characters and eating up his character arc. Currently I’m gonna hope book 10 expands the other characters more bc I need more of them and 9.5 can feed my Keefe brain

Would I hit him with a golf cart? Listen my friend made this bingo game (hi Bods, if you’re reading this) and I know exactly what the actual intention was behind this square. But like. I want to slightly run into him with a golf cart. Just enough to slightly injure him and make him rethink his life choices (affectionate) (actually in the words of@phtalogreenpoison “I’d like to microwave Keefe. Just shortly”)

Does he need therapy? OH MY GOSH YES. I have thought this about other characters but SPECIFICALLY KEEFE HOLY GUACAMOLE GET THAT GUY THERAPY

Is he insane? Define insane. But I love him anyway (what is going on in his head half the time 😭)

Am I rotating him in my head 24/7? WELL YOU’VE READ THE POST WHAT DO YOU THINK

Do I have so many headcanons? Oh you guys don’t know the half of it. I have. So. Many. SO MANY

Is he wasted potential? Uhhhh I have too many thoughts on this to actually put it on this post. Genuinely love what Shannon’s doing with his character, like I said. But at some point she needs to. Address the things. Or he just becomes a guy with all these complications introduced that just kinda sit there and continue to change and grow and Keefe is the complex character to end all complex characters but Shannon you need to DO SOMETHING WITH THE MASTERPIECE OF A CHARACTER THAT YOU HAVE CREATED

The amount of bingos holy moly

Anyway

Keefe means a lot to me

Thanks for the ask anon!

[cupidevanesco]

Boris Pavlikovsky as your boyfriend. (headcannons) + SFW

Now before you read this, let me just remind you that this isn't sunshine and rainbows. We're talking Boris Pavlikovsky, a teen drug addict with trauma, so don't come for me for “romanticizing” abuse. Thanks!

Warnings: Abuse, trauma, manipulation, and usage of drugs.

Sometimes asks you to do things for him, including stealing; solely just to test your limits and how far you'd go for him.

Argues with you for the smallest reasons, but it doesn't take long before he absolutely loses his shit and starts begging and asking for forgiveness.

+ Whenever this happens, he always cries. ALWAYS. He hugs you from behind and buries his head on the crook of your neck despite being taller than you, then starts gaslighting you then and there so that you don't get mad anymore.

Whiny. “Wiesz, że nie to miałem na myśli, kochanie,” / “You know I didn't mean it, love,”

Whenever he's having a bad day, he'd take it out on you by giving you drugs for some reason. If you didn't take it, he'd force pills down your throat. Whenever this happens, you'd threaten to leave the house and he wouldn't care, in fact he's pushing you even more to leave.

Not a minute after you leave the house, you have 109 missed calls and over 576 texts from him begging you to come back and that he's worried and sorry for what he's done. He only does this whenever you leave the house after an argument, he never actually message or call you.

If you're not home by night, he'd go looking for you without even trying to call or message you. He always knows where you're at.

Despite being a ridiculously and relatively horrible person, he still manages to spoil you rotten when it comes to gift giving. He mostly just steals though, but you appreciate it. The first time you started dating, you told him not to steal if he's gonna gift you anything because you don't need it, but he didn't listen and you've grown to get used to it.

You're his personal therapist, but being his personal therapist makes you want to see your own therapist.

Whenever he relapses, he becomes all quiet and clingy. He'd always hold your arm or kiss the top of your hand, tug on your shirt whenever you're cooking in the kitchen, and becomes the little spoon when cuddling at night, all while frowning.

You're stuck with him. Leaving him means slowly killing yourself. He'd somehow planted this seed into your mind that you'd feel so bored and unloved if he wasn't by your side. You ALWAYS come back.

You've tried healing and breaking up with him multiple times but he just never lets it happen. He forces himself to not sleep, to look tired, wear the same clothes three days a row, and make himself look haggard in general just for you to pity him and come crawling back to him. He likes to make you think he's wrapped around your finger, but he really isn't. It's the whole other way around.

He insults every guy you used to like/date to you whenever he doesn't know what to talk about or when he's bored.

Gets jealous VERY easily. You can't even order in a damn restaurant just because he's jealous, so he does it all the time.

He surprisingly takes you on cute little dates like star gazing, picnics, a walk in cute places and such whenever he's having a good day/week.

You like to pick out his clothes for him because he's sometimes too lazy to actually create an outfit and not just grab the first thing his hand feels in his closet.

He made your parents think that he's a good person somehow. They love him.

Likes to speak different languages at once because he thinks it's funny to see you getting offended upon not understanding a shit he's saying.

Big baby narcissist. He hurt you, you reacted to him, therefore now he is the victim.

He loves your cooking.

He made a letter for you in ukrainian, a really long one, but he knew you couldn't understand ukrainian. That's exactly why he wrote it in that language.

Half of your refrigerator is filled with vodka and energy drinks while the other half are vegetables and fruits. You always cook healthy food just because you're scared that he might die from kidney failure.

You provide for him. You never complained about it though, and he never really asks for much. Although he did steal about thirty bucks from you once just to buy snacks.

When you get into a BIG argument, he actually hurts you. He shoves you into a wall, slaps you, punches you — mostly in your lower stomach, pulls your hair and such. He won't stop unless he sees a bruise.

He locks you in a room, mostly your basement, and he turns the lights off with nothing inside. You'd be banging so hard on the door but his pride is too high for him to open the door for you. You got the cops called on you multiple times but you always covered for him despite having a whole fight, and he'd say sorry and be guilty and all that.

He never thought of cheating.

He can't show love through words and he gets all shy whenever you do. You love spoiling him with words because that's only the ever time he's soft.

He's a horrible man, but he's a vulnerable boy. He can't take the topic of his parents, it upsets him.

He once got jealous of you because your parents “cared for you too much” ...they were average parents.

Whenever he gets too drunk, he starts crying and rambling about how much he hates his parents and how he's not useless. He tries to prove it to you and it just breaks your heart to see it. He gets so vulnerable and reaches his breaking point, he'd have full on panic attacks, fall asleep after, and wake up the next day going on with his day like nothing happened.

He doesn't like it when you see him vulnerable so he distracts you from it but it never really works on you. You just pretend that it does so that he won't overdo whatever he's distracting you with.

Admitted that he in fact did love you a lot when you had a heart to heart. You just spent all your time hugging and comforting him after this.

You try your best to understand him but you rarely ever do. He's misunderstood and will always will be.

He doesn't try to make people understand him because doing that would need the mention of his parents. He still can't bring himself to talk about them.

You took psychology for college just so you could become a psychologist after you graduate and be his own personal therapist. You never wanted to be one, but seeing that people like him existed made you want to.

No matter how bad your day is, if he's being sweet, you'd force yourself to act nice to him because he's barely ever sweet.

He loves you :)

Hope you guys enjoyed this! I take requests, just not NSFW. I'm getting bored, so y'all should really start requesting while I'm at it. 🤷

[dragon-creates]

5+1 AU Characters as Taylor Swift Songs

I got bored yesterday and my ADHD + my swiftie brain decided to put together what says would go together with the characters of my fic. This was mostly done for fun but if you know the meanings behind these songs, I'm going to enjoy feasting on your suffering 😈

Here's the link to my fic here if you haven't read it yet.

Pomni/Penny: Mirrorball

And I'm still a believer, but I don't know why. I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try

I thought this song best fit Pomni/Penny due to her complicated relationship with her dad and how that affected her as a person, always trying to do her best despite what's thrown at her, even if it hurts her in the process and she doesn't know why.

Jax/Jack: This Is Me Trying

Could've followed my fears all the way down And maybe I don't quite know what to say. But I'm here in your doorway I just wanted you to know. That this is me trying

I mean, I think its kinda obvious (cough cough chapter 5 cough cough). Jax/Jack went through a lot as a kid before he moved in with Winter and the Alvarez's and yes while he's hurting, he wants to heal but as ya'll know, relapses happen. But he'll always keep trying.

Riley: Karma

Karma's gonna track you down. Step by step, from town to town. Sweet like justice, karma is a queen

I had fun with this one. As ya'll know, Riley is quite protective over those she cares about (she's also an FBI agent so if you hurt Penny you probably won't be seen the next day). Riley is always gonna make sure that those who decide to fuck around are gonna find out. After all, karma is a bitch.

Winter: 22

You don't know about me but I'll bet you want to. Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22

Ah Winter, my sassy lesbian queen. Winter has always been fun to write due to how positive and fun she is. Teasing Jack, being lovey dovey with Riley and hyping up Penny as well. She would be one of those people who throw the wildest parties and dread cleaning up the next day, but doesn't care as long as she and others are having fun.

Amber: Tolerate It

Lay the table with the fancy shit. And watch you tolerate it

Amber, mother of two and the ex of the man that everyone in discord wants dead. This reflects what her marriage to David was like and her releasing how awful he was after they divorced. Amber is a strong and protective mother bear, but she was hurt first emotionally to become that strong. Sometimes there will be moments will break, but she always picks herself back up for her girls, David forgotten at the back of her mind for their sake.

~okay let's focus on some duo/trio songs~

Pomni/Penny & Jax/Jack: Wildest Dreams

Say you'll remember me. Standin' in a nice dress. Starin' at the sunset, babe. Red lips and rosy cheeks. Say you'll see me again. Even if it's just in your wildest dreams

Come on, are you really surprised? It's the title of the last chapter and basically this fic's theme! Even if they don't realise who each other are, there memories stay in their dreams and their shown just how beautiful their love was!!!!

Riley & Winter: Paper Rings

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings. Uh-huh, that's right. Darling, you're the one I want

Let's go! Let's go lesbians let's go!!! The yuri deserve a nice lovey dovey song. These two are just so sweet with one another and the reason why Jack and Penny got together (much to Riley's disappointment lol) and they deserve all the happiness. And yes this song was in their wedding playlist.

Pomni/Penny & Riley: Safe and Sound

No one can hurt you now. Come morning light. You and I'll be safe and sound

This song is definitely a parallel of Penny and Riley's sisterhood, especially growing up with David still in the picture. Riley doing her job as an older sister, shielding her little sister whenever David wanted to target her with his verbal abuse. Riley hates every fibre of her father's being, it only got worse after he involved Penny in the car accident. No matter what, even as adults, Riley will always protect her baby sister from everything...until the day she couldn't.

Winter & Jax/Jack: The Best Day

God smiles on my little brother, inside and out. He's better than I am I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run. And I had the best days with you

This was how Winter viewed her and Jack when he moved in with her family. Jack is and always will be her little brother, even if they aren't blood related. She and her family give him the life he didn't and the space to thrive, and neither she or Jack would trade it for the world even after all these years.

Pomni/Penny & Amber: Bigger Than The Whole Sky

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. You were bigger than the whole sky

Hehe ya'll gonna hate me for this one. But yeah, after Penny went missing, it hit Amber like a freight train. Penny was her baby, she watched her daughter go through hell and back, and helped with her healing, watched her fall in love, comforted her through her heartbreak and the next day she disappeared, and no one can find her. She grieves her daughter every day, as though she truly passed away. She and Penny had a relationship like no other, there's nothing stronger than a mother's love for her child.

Riley & Amber: Dear Reader

The greatest of luxuries is your secrets. Dear reader, when you aim at the devil make sure you don't miss. Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

While Amber loves Penny, never once did she neglect Riley or see her problems as inferior. She loves both her babies more than anything. But she can tell that Riley has gone through a lot, watching her father grow apart from her and seeing her little sister get hurt over and over again. This song is kinda reminiscent of chapter 3 (with Amber reassuring Riley that she's not wrong to feel upset with her dad), but also Amber teaching Riley what she knows and so she doesn't make the same mistakes as she did.

Amber & Riley & Pomni/Penny: Never Grow Up

Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up. Don't you ever grow up. Just stay this little. Oh, darlin', don't you ever grow up. Don't you ever grow up. It could stay this simple

Let's end it off bittersweet with our three girls. This is reminiscing over her daughters, more so the good moments of their childhood (David isn't in these memories which isn't a surprise). It kind of hits Amber when she sees her girls all grown up and living their own lives, just how far they've come since they were kids. She gave birth to them, helped them take their first steps, cried at their first words, dropped them off both at their first days at school, teasing Riley over her first crush on a girl, comforting and spending each day Penny was in hospital after the accident, letting them cry in her shoulder over David leaving, reassured Riley that she wasn't abandoning Penny once the older of the two left for college, helped Penny overcome her eating habits, watched her girls fall in love. It leaves her tearful and proud of how much they've grown.

I hope you guys enjoyed this, and keep an eye out for my next funnybunny fic on ao3 and tumblr called 'Royally Screwed'. It's a royal AU based on the ideas and art of one of my friends on discord and I hope ya'll like it when it comes out!

[cruorcrave]

17 December 2024

Today was actually... good? Weird I know.

Mentally, in general, I'm still not doing great. But everything that happened today made me feel kinda hopeful for once.

This morning I woke up early to an e-mail from a job I applied to, and within an hour I was on the phone doing an interview with them. It was absolutely terrifying and I was shaking a lot but I just went and did it and got it over with. I think I did okay but I definitely didn't do the best I could've. It's my first time applying for a job like this though so I'm pretty happy with myself all things considered. I had a celebratory Dr Pepper (yay!).

My older sister and I did a TONNE of Christmas shopping, to the point where I only need a few knick-knacks and I'm done. One of my aunts is coming down sometime in the next few days and she's great so I'm glad she's staying at our place.

I'm looking forward to Christmas this year despite it's usual stresses. I always love Christmas but I'm especially excited this year because, being 18, it's my first year really buying people proper presents rather than half-assing it with a minimal budget, and also it's at our house which I like. I'm gonna try my best to ignore the comments on my eating and the typical dramas.

I got a decent amount of sleep last night! My sleep has definitely been getting better. Still having nightmares but at least they're not night terrors, and whilst the tactile hallucinations are annoying, I can deal with them well enough.

The heat makes it hard to stay motivated (I despise hot summer days AND warm summer nights) but I'm doing what I can. Such as: I got a drawing out! Not a very interesting one but I got it out nonetheless!

Today I'm happy for a lot of things; I feel accomplished and proud of myself because even though I'm still struggling, I'm finding a way to get through it. It's still hard and I have a really long way to go before I'm healed from this, and I'm sure there will be many a relapse to come, but I really wanna get better. I need to. I have so much life to live and I don't want some stupid autovampirism shit to take that from me. I'm thankful for this blog and the people I've met because of it being such a good support for me. Thank you guys if you read this, Zakariah, Person I Am Still Unsure Of The Name Of So I Shall Refer To You As Colonel Ives You Know Who You Are, and Royce. I know you all at varying levels of closeness but y'all are seriously the best no matter our friendship level.

I know I'm repeating the song of the day but it's meant to be symbolic, I'm trying to start something here lol

Song of the Day: Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park

Clean since 16 December 2024

[mintythecuptalks]

vent

I fucking hate myself bro

Im not even gonna try hide it.

I hate how i sound, how I look, how i act, how I feel, how I even make friends. How i talk. Just fucking everything. I'm really trying to be that role model for you guys and I can't give up just like that, but it's making me wanna give up on my au, and just.. delete everything

I cant make anyone fucking proud and I'm not even good enough for anyone. Shit I say was never fucking said to me. I really hate myself, I hate how my body looks. I hate how it's shaped. I hate my hands. My face. My hair. My arms. My legs. My stomach. MY CHEST. EVERYTHING

Im just that little girl who craved the "attention" they gave me BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE. I WISH I NEVER FUCKING CAME ONTO THE INTERNET.

Its so hard to cry, my room hadn't been cleaned and it smells fucking bad in here because of the old food. My clothes are everywhere. My bedsheets aren't even on my bed. I finally showed i guess. My eating habits are coming back where I starved myself until I ended up in the hospital. I'm failing school I can hardly fucking sleep now. I'm vaping, I wanna start cigarettes again.

My whole world is falling apart and I haven't turned to anyone about it. Because I feel like I'll annoy them so much that they wouldn't respond fast enough. There was a few times where they'd stop replying because they were texting other people and forgot to text me and shit. Am I that fucking boring?? Am I not worthy enough to reply to?? I'm always told that I'm good to talk to while venting to and I'm lovely for that. But the bad part about that Is- no one ever fucking spoke to me the way I spoke to them. A few people have. But it was never said to me before I met them.

Im always compared to people who were hated on. Called dramatic. Now I'm wondering if what I'm feeling even fucking matters anymore. It's getting worse and i know it. I'm hardly trying to get better and i know I don't even deserve to get better.

I KNOW I WAS FUCKING YOUNG. I STILL SHOULDNT HAVE DONE THE SHIT I DID. I SHOULDNT FUCKING HAVE. I HURT PEOPLE. I MADE THEM RELAPSE. I MADE PEOPLE UNCOMFORTABLE. I BROKE UP FRIENDSHIPS. I SHOULD OF FUCKING KNOWN BETTER.

I SHOULD OF. IDC IF WE WERE YOUNG. I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT I SHOULDNT HAVE DONE THAT BUT I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

i hate myself so fucking much. I wish I was never born sometimes. I really fucking think i won't make it to 18 I swear. I have been thinking about that for these past 4 fucking years. I was 11 when I started thinking that.

Im not even good enough to even do anything for myself. But I always make sure my siblings are fed. I don't make them starve.

Im a burden to everyone. Everyone

Including myself

[youngparadisedonut]

Hello 👋🏽 so this might not sound like I’m complementing you but I am

When I first found your page I just thought you were a hater with no life.. I think I found you when season four aired and I saw you talking about the Iris situation and let me just say I think I hold the crown for the biggest Carlos hater during season 4, they made me hate him but everytime I would look at your page I would be like we get it so why are you talking about him this much then. I wasn’t really involved in the fandom or has obsessed in the show back then as I am now and I have come to absolutely love tk, and I have found my group of friends on Twitter who love him also. from the moment I came into this fandom it was blatantly obvious biased towards Rafa/carlos (I mean we all saw how fast they were to never talk about ronen again..)that I just didn’t understand, it’s like they foams at the mouth anytime they talk about Rafa/carlos

The Carlos Stan’s have gotten a lot worse imo and we need tk defenders more then ever

What I’m trying to say is I used to see you and go if you don’t like something why are you talking about it but I never said that to people saying the nice things about the characters which is unfair cause we shouldn’t push people who are rightfully calling out characters too the side and make them talk about it with just there friends, if people can say good things, other people can be critical and we need people like you more then ever. Thank you for constantly calling out Carlos cause the watered down “criticism” he gets is such bs

He was not the best boyfriend, definitely not the best fiancée and he’s not gonna be the best husband in the beginning and I’m so tired of these women who are old enough too realize what he does is wrong making excuses after excuses and babying him so much. I think tk deserves way better instead of a man who constantly lies and puts things/people above him then crawls back crying when the damage is done

So just thank you for not stopping with this account cause this fandom is truly delusional when it comes to Carlos and then that fuck ass spinoff they want to do? With his partner who he has “special chemistry” with…

Thank you! I know that I can be very annoying sometimes hahaha.

I’m so frustrated about how TK is often treated by the fandom and the writers. He was criticized for not being ready for a relationship with Carlos, even if he was recovering from a relapse after the boyfriend he proposed to said he was in love with another guy (and probably cheated on him). He was blamed for the breaking up with Carlos after Carlos triggered him by making a big decision that affected both of them without talking to him first, and no one (not the fandom, not the writers) recognized that his motives for the break up were valids. The amount of hate he got just because Cooper was his sponsor was horrifying.

Carlos hiding a marriage, being so dismissive of TK with the wife jokes, blaming TK for Iris disappearance and acting so hostile towards TK was objectively so much worse than any mistake that TK did in their relationship, but I saw feel people calling him out on his bulshit. People even found Iris interactions with TK funny. Everything was fine as long as their favorite could get alway with it. The double standards where very clear.

(It’s so sad how TK has such a kind heart and loves so big)

(Yet no one ever chooses him first)

(Owen with his job)

(Carlos with Iris)

When I saw the news about Carlos and his partner who he has “special chemistry” with was the nail in the coffin for me. Like, nope. I already know where this is going. People will ship Carlos with his partner (even if he turns out to be in a happy relationship) and compare him with TK, how he is so much better and supportive tham TK and Carlos definitely should be with him instead, especially during the probable Jonah arc.I'm not gonna put myself into that.

[cdroloisms]

is it weird that i think c!wilbur wouldn't have been able to help himself and make them start the war again eventually? bc while he recognises the harm he did c!tommy i don't think he ever acknowledges what he did to c!dream. without that, idk if he'd ever be able to resist the urge to push them back into conflict but with extra c!inniterisms driving him.

i mean ... ? like how do i say this

first of all, i dont think c!wilbur was driven by c!inniterisms necessarily in inconsolable differences. i mean sorta but like ... like look c!tommy is his kid. always was always has been. people ask why c!wilbur chooses c!tommy over c!dream and it's like. i mean, no shit. that's his kid. like sure does c!wilbur superficially choose other people over c!tommy sometimes, for sure. but at the end of the day if the danger is losing tommy there's like nothing he won't do you know like ... [keysmashing] sorry it's like. c!wilbur can't lose c!tommy, and his relationship with c!tommy is so fundamentally important with understanding both characters.

and as for like. dragging c!tommy into some kind of conflict eventually, well. that's why he leaves innit. like i wouldn't even categorize it as being about conflict, it's about the fact that he capital n Needs tommy and tommy won't ever leave him of his own volition and their relationship from the beginning !!! from the very beginning !!! has been extremely unbalanced and involved hefty amounts of c!wilbur making c!tommy go against his every instinct and pressuring him to act in the ways that c!wilbur wants him to and just straight up hurting the kid--like, c!tommy needs to be away from c!wilbur and c!tommy won't leave on his own so c!wilbur is the one that goes in boundless sands. in a lot of ways, it's kind of the most he can do as far as harm reduction goes, towards c!tommy for sure but even for c!dream as well? like shit man he's already rewritten their whole identities.

idk like i dont think that Recognizing What He Did To c!Dream is really gonna do shit for either of them, personally. c!wilbur's issue isn't his inability to recognize the harm he's done, and c!dream is just flat out delusional about c!wilbur lmao c!wilbur telling him "hey dude i'm sorry" would literally probably just make c!dream sink deeper into the feeling that he's Successfully Tricked c!Wilbur Into Being On His Side! he's got Leverage (tm)!!! and whatever.

i agree that c!wilbur staying wouldn't really be good for c!discduo like, at all, but i wouldn't say it's strictly just because he would idk eventually "give into his impulses and goad them into a fight" i guess? like as much as i am like number one "it all goes back to c!wilbur" truther, c!discduo are characters with agency and they've individually made decisions that led to the fracturing of their relationship in ways that weren't directly caused by c!wilbur, though i would argue that c!wilbur's death was the catlyst for a whole fucking lot of it. c!discduo reconciliation can't happen through c!wilbur, i'd say inconsolable differences in itself kind of proves that (because as clumsy as it was, c!wilbur did seem to be trying to End It right, for c!tommy's sake, so c!tommy would feel Safe with the discs gone and c!dream's leverage finished with) (but of course, the way it got carried out just kind of proves that c!wilbur can ummm threaten c!discduo into compliance in ways that ummm. sure were!) especially when you consider how the finale still happens with c!dream and c!tommy having conflict (cough because c!tommy relapsed after boundless sands cough) that wasn't triggered by the discs, right, cuz c!dream has no idea they're still existing. but along that same vein, id argue that c!wilbur kind of proves he idk wants to be done with it and does probably the best he could've done for the discduo conflict in that moment by leaving, because the last thing c!dream OR c!tommy really needed was his presence? idk

[akatsukicatboy]

I'm so ugh. I keep fucking relapsing an like I know I do have some of control over it I just can't stop at the same time. It's like everytime the scabs fade I have to make new ones. I feel bad or wrong when i don't have any. I can't stop until they scar but I'll never know if they do because my fucking stretch marks in the way.

And everytime I do it I feel like such a disappointment like I'm letting down and hurting my friends. Not my irls fuck those assholes I mean my online friends. I just feel like a shitty person bc what is so bad about my life that warrants taking a plastic knife to my hip? I'm too pussy to even try to cut deep, or at least as deep as you can with fucking plastic. Embarrassing.

And I'm so so afraid of my mom or grandma seeing them. They will actually kill me. My sister's reaction would just piss me off. Ik my irls will just be mad at me for not telling them, dicks. Acting like they're entitled to knowing everything about me but never telling me anything about them.

I promised myself that when i got out of this God forsaken house id do it for real. With a designated knife just for harming myself. Make it all cutesy for that twisted irony affect. I wouldn't have to hide it anymore. It'd be on other limbs too. Not just my one hip. It'd be so freeing.

Not to forget how I feel so fucking fat lately. I don't even know how much i weigh and it's lowkey stressing me out. I haven't been 100 pound in a good while n it's. Ugh. The scale in my house doesn't fucking work anymore. I think. It doesn't help that I just keep eating and eating, especially sweets I just. Ugh. I keep trying to starve myself but i keep giving into temptation. I'm genuinely so fucking upset over this why can't I just be good. Honestly i think starving myself is what gave me those heartburn problems but whatever. I just wanna be 100 pounds again. I'm only worth anything when I'm small. It's the only time people fucking say anything about my body in a nonsexual way and fuck. People always tell me I have the ideal skinny body and I need to keep it or I'll never fucking be worth anything, ya know? And at the rate I'm eating (two decent meals a day plus a handful of snacks, usually dessert type ones) I'll never get that.

I know I shouldn't 'feel' fat I'm well aware I'm still technically a skeleton but when you grow up hearing the shit I did from mainly my own mother or other fuckhead adult women you'd feel the fucking same too. I fucking hate it here.

I only got 'better' because food was appetizing again and passing out at cheer would've been fucking embarrassing. N now cheer is over I was contemplating starting again n then the other day my mom told me that my 'five course meals' so like a plate of bacon or ramen were gonna catch up to me. Pretty much saying I was getting fat which fuck shes right but I wish she didn't say it to my fucking face. God it's disgusting how I often I eat now. She just pretty much gave me a reason to start up again but I'm so fucking weak and pathetic I can't even bring myself to stop.

I just feel so alone nowadays. I have no one to talk to. So much shit bottled up but I can't burden people with it because it's all so. Miniscule that I'm just an asshole for even having those problems. I can never shut my fucking mouth I feel like I scare everyone away and it's honestly deserved. Someone as horrible as me doesn't deserve the comfort I crave. I'm so desperate for attention it's fucking pathetic. I want to cry but I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything good because I am a monster. I deserve nothing but the pain I feel everyday or just fucking death. I'm just a pest.

Sometimes I wish my ex was abusive. Not because I want a reason to hate him, if anything I'm looking for reasons *that one* encounter was just a mishap. I just crave it. I want to be hurt worse than I ever even was which isn't very fucking hard to achieve since barely anything even happened. I want horrible things done to me I crave it it's embarrassing. It's like im fucking. Romanticizing something people take for-fucking-ever to heal from for my own sick satisfaction.

That one encounter. I just don't even know what to make out of it. Haha make out. It's funny bc we were making out n I could feel his fucking erection through his pants. Presumably erection. I'm a fucking prude with a vagina and I never really did watch porn with actual dicks involved. Either way it was fucking uncomfortable and I remember trying to discretely move bc embarrassment + he was always awkward as fuck n I really couldn't I was just trapped on his lap. My problem is, I don't know if he was holding me there or if my brain is trying to turn him into the enemy. He did ask what was wrong and I said nothing so it is technically my fault. I'm not going anymore into this because I know I'll start reliving the moment (aka my body feeling like it's happening again) and I just can-fucking-not deal with that right now.

Even if i want nothing to do with my ex he was the only person where I was their number 1. He was also the last person I wanted to be that. Growing up I was my 'bffs' back up friend. When their new friend no longer wanted anything to do with them, they'd come crawling right back to me. It's been the same since elementary school and I'm so fucking sick of it. I just want to be there person someone thinks of first, their comfort zone, someone they gravitate to unconsciously. I just want to be loved the way i love others. I'll never be important to anyone it seems. It's just something about me. Maybe I'm to childish or self centered or annoying or untrustworthy or maybe I'm just a horrible person but everyone pities me too much to say anything. Like they all secretly hate me but they all know I'm pathetic and would never survive on my own so they keep me around as a safety net for when their important people fail them.

I seriously need to just stop burdening others with my existence.

[wooahaes]

hi! (first time sending an ask so pls lmk if anyone has this emoji but-) i completely agree w/ u that writers should put a warning or smth that the fanfic will be catered to a certain body type as ive read fanfic w/o that and have felt insecure. not saying these writers are intentionally trying to make ppl feel bad, but they need to realize that sometimes their works do cater to thin/skinny body types and letting readers know that rly isnt a big deal. ty for always speaking ur truth! - 🐱 anon

hi nonny! im gonna answer all ur asks in one go <3 (no need to apologize for spamming! i had a moment of 'oh fuck did i say something wrong' but thats just anxiety brain speaking haha)

honestly! i genuinely don't mind if writers wanna intentionally write works for a thinner reader, it'd just be nice for them to write in a little warning at the beginning of the fic <3 i write chubby readers and mark 'em with chubby!reader so my audience knows, nothing wrong w doing it the other way around!

i also wanna say, i remember looking up "seventeen x chubby reader", "svt x chubby reader", or smth along those lines on tumblr but just knowing almost nothing will pop up 💔. until i saw a little fanfic called "tiger stripes" and was baffled that someone actually wrote something that had someone like me in mind. i remember feeling and being so happy about it. just thank you for your svt x chubby reader works because u make us chubby carats feel so seen 🫶🏼 - 🐱 anon

aaaa ty lovely!! im a chubby gal myself so i love writing chubby!reader fics from time to time when inspiration strikes <3 usually i try to keep everything body neutral so that anyone can enjoy my fics (even in my chubby reader fics, i try not to specify how big reader is so that anyone bigger can enjoy them), but sometimes i just gotta aim something for the chubby gals out there <3 tiger stripes is one of my most beloved fics and it genuinely makes me happy to think of my own stretch marks as tiger stripes hehe <3

ah anyway !! hope im not a bother w/ my asks !! i just wanted to tell u this despite my shyness bc idk, i rly feel like u needed to hear it 🙏🏼 anyway, i also wanna add ur a rly good writer and keep on doing what ur doing 👍🏼 - 🐱 anon

u are 100000% fine!! i love talking to anons and ur always welcome to pop into my inbox whenever you feel like it <3 + it does always help to hear that other chubby carats enjoy my work!! mwah mwah ur so sweet

tw fatphobia mentions (nothing explicitly fatphobic tho) // omg though.. i remember finding this [redacted] x reader fic and bc it appeared under the [removed] tag (smth like that) and i assumed that it was catered to fat ppl. but unfortunately it turned out to be incredibly fatphobic w/ it's themes, plot, + y/n. im not saying u have to be fat to write "x fat reader" fanfic but perhaps step away from writing for ppl u have no understanding of if ur gna write stuff like that.. - 🐱 anon

redacting the guy + the tag from your ask purely to try and avoid anyone tracking down the writer by any means! i trust my followers to not do something like that, but i'd feel better reducing that risk in any way <3

oh yikes! i think like... its worth it to sometimes address fatphobia in writing, but that kind of stuff 100% needs a warning! one of my current fic ideas involves a reader who is confident in her body but kinda relapses back to a previous mindset of 'maybe i Should be ashamed of it' after being fully insulted for being a bigger gal and the fic would absolutely have a warning.

i do agree that you def do not have to be a bigger person to write chubby/fat reader fics, but its definitely something you need to be mindful of when you wanna handle the heavier topics. im always happy to weigh in with my own thoughts + experiences, and im sure other people would be, too! no shame in trying to address it in themes/plot, but there's def a difference between endorsing those ideas and discussing them (and i'll say i have no idea which was being done in this fic)

(btw: no one go looking for this writer to say anything to them btw, we do not promote harassment on this blog--anon ur 100% fine to express ur opinions since i've seen fatphobia in reader fics, too, and it's okay to express discomfort with the idea. i'm always open to discussing things as long as they don't point too directly to anyone's work--and i'm equally open to taking down anything that pinpoints a certain writer.)

anyway ur 100% fine to send as many asks as u want!! im always happy to talk to people esp abt topics like this (or in general too!) <3 ty for being polite tho mwah mwah ur v cute

[b4n3n4]

I've vented a bit on a public server, I shouldn't have done that, but ill vent here, this is not in any shape, or form praise to my awful ex crushes, I hope those 3 actually get tortured for Infinity in hell, especially you, you know who you are, and I know you still stalk this page.

Sometimes i miss when i was at my "lowest" objectively I guess, mentally I felt happier somehow, kind of go lucky feeling, if nothing matters nothing can hurt you, I've never talked about the boys I've liked before on this page, they were 3.

I can say my first crush was probably who made me this way, he was cold with everyone, rude, misogynistic and violent, that was the first boy I've ever liked at 12, he was different, never met anyone like him before, other seemed like cowards, unable to be authentically themselves, he introduced me to gore when I was 12, way before I even knew porn was a thing, I started to cut myself around that age, he would always ask me to see, to touch the cuts, I felt like he understood me, what I wanted to say or do he said and did, when I didn't like someone I would keep it to myself, but he would be as ruthless as he wanted, pure neutrality, I fell in love quickly, would spend whole classes looking at him, how smart he was, how charismatic, well now I can see he was just a sociopath literally but at the time he was like God to me, ill never forget his smirks when I would show him my cuts or the big smile I gave him when he fell down while playing fight with a friend and made a huge scratch in his whole stomach, showing me it proudly.

i spent a year madly in love with him and lost about 14 kgs although I couldn't diet at home, I would just start to purge my food at home and fast during school, one day I discovered that although we never dated he was using me as rebound, and somehow the love broke off that day, I had nightmares with him for about 5 years after

2 years later i met my irl ex, quiet kid in class that one day said some stupid misogynistic joke and I laughed and we bonded, showed me theync, would say I was disgusting for not being as good as him in class, basically an incel when I met him but that was the part I liked, once he started to become softer with me I lost interest quickly but we stayed together as I was waiting for him to change to his before self, we broke up because he would go through my messages, make me give my phone every time we were together etc, I hate insecure men, we were together for 4 years and during all those years I would have nightmares with the first boy.

WORST ONE SO FAR, so, as im a fucking loser and don't have friends I was searching for servers on 4chan and found one lmao, owner dms me saying he wants to kill me and he's the only dude I replied to in months, lies to me, never shows his face, uses me for my body, blackmails me, etc, but somehow because I was lonely and thought I was gonna km I let that slide for a year, also I liked how fucked up he was, then he turns too nonchalant and soft for my liking, teenage girl kinda texts and I ask to break up, we fought ALOT before also, I seriously he khs because every day I find out more lies, like sending fake plushie pic (saying he got them for me) then finding those pics in a 2016 website, ALSO said he sent fake pics the first time but then that they were real the second time (gaslight and lies because they weren't) calling me insane and obsessive for not believing him, erm okay, hope you die

WELL long rant but yes during those 3 boys I relapsed, in self-harm and gore, and also lost weight with every one of them, my boyfriend who is the sweetest kindest soul on earth, and although I thought I would be interested in him at the beginning because of his scary appearance turns out I can love someone who treats me well, but sometimes I wish I was as strong as before, I feel like nowadays everything is too easy on me and I've become too soft, its been like 3 weeks without cutting and I miss it often, I miss feeling so grossed out by everyone I would hide myself in the bathroom watching gore, I miss not caring for tomorrow or what happens to me since I knew I was going to die soon, I miss it, why am I so soft nowadays, I'm supposed to feel happy I am "getting better" but feels like my destructive mindset before actually made me happier