#and like. i understand that really. my data and stuff is already probably being used without me even knowing it

[katierosefun]

officially deactivated my twitter account :(

[linawritestwst]

(a very late valentine's day special) how twst characters would fall in love with you!

okay, so when i created this blog last year, i didn't have much time to write something for valentine's day, but i thought that i should try and write something for it this year!

at first i wanted to write something like "how twst characters would confess their love for you", i wanted it to be a reference to the "how twst characters would react to your love confession" series i made back when i just created this blog and i still only have the heartslabyul, savanaclaw and octavinelle hcs. i am sorry. but to be honest, i didn't have a lot of ideas and it was hard to find inspiration, so i decided to go with something different. but who knows, maybe i'll actually write it one day! also i know that this idea is very basic and i'm sorry.

this post has all nrc students (except ortho) + rsa and nbc characters, so GET READY BECAUSE THIS IS GONNA BE A VERY LONG POST.

also i'm having some really bad internet problems rn and even though i can use mobile data, EDITING ON MY PHONE IS A PAIN. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING. and idk when wifi will start working again and i'll be able to use my computer again, so sorry if this post looks weird, has typos and stuff like that, I JUST WANT TO POST IT ALREADY. I'M SICK OF SEEING IT IN MY DRAFTS.

heartslabyul.

riddle rosehearts.

♡ he doesn't understand you at all. you should be afraid of him, you should actually hate him for what he did and how he acted earlier. he was the first to overblot in front of you, he's sure it was quite a traumatic memory from you. and it's not like he treated you better than he treated other nrc students, he was just as willing to punish you for any "misbehavior". so why.. why do you still want you and riddle to become closer? you simply don't think that riddle actually had bad intentions, he just genuinely thought that everything will be okay if he just follows the rules and makes others follow them. so.. you don't think he's a bad person or anything like that. just someone who has a lot of issues and doesn't know how to deal with them properly. and after you say that.. riddle starts feeling very strange.

♡ falling in love with you feels so sudden, riddle doesn't remember being this interested in you when he first met you. he has to admit that he even kind of.. looked down on you back then and didn't think you were that special. though the case of you being the only magicless student here really was special. he also was angry at you because of you being so close with ace and deuce.. but now, he feels different. as he learns more about you and starts getting used to your company, he realizes that he actually likes you a lot. he even admires you, because it must be hard to deal with so much stuff as someone who's magicless he's sorry for being the first to overblot btw. he's always here if you need any help.

♡ why did he fall in love with you? well, you're certainly a very smart, strong and kind person, but the main reason was.. he was just happy to be understood by someone. he didn't expect you out of all people to forgive him, but it sure was a nice surprise. you're always here to calm him down when he's close to using his unique magic or yelling at someone for breaking the rules again, however, you don't blame him for acting like that and you say that his feelings are valid, he just has to find a better way to express them and process them. so.. it probably just feels nice to be seen as someone other than a rose-red tyrant.

ace trappola.

♡ as someone who said some pretty bad things about you and grim when you first met.. wow, it feels embarrassing to admit that he has a crush on you now. imagine making fun of a magicless human and then falling in love with them. yeah, that's ace. so, how did it happen? he's not sure when exactly he got feelings for you, it just.. happened. you two became so close, he actually couldn't imagine spending a day without you. everything just feels so boring when you're not around. pranking you or showing off to you or just talking to you makes his day, even if it's just you going "ACE D:<", he loves seeing your reactions.. and maybe, he loves you.

♡ it's hard to notice him acting any different when he's in love with you, but if you pay closer attention, you can see him blushing after you praise him for something or you can notice him asking you to hang out with him more often. he also sometimes freezes for a moment when you call him your friend, it's almost like he's asking you ".. but are you sure you don't wanna be more than friends?". but right after that, he goes back to his usual behavior and he's surprisingly good at hiding his crush on you.

♡ falling in love with you feels fun and kinda sad at the same time, because even though ace tries so hard to act confident and he claims that you love him just as much, he's actually not sure if you love him back or not. he doesn't mind being seen only as a friend, being friends with you is cool, but also.. yeah, he wants more. and he's not sure if he's ready for a serious relationship, considering what he did in the past to that girl he used to date. he knows that he would never do that to you, because you're so much cooler than that girl and you're much more interesting, but he also doesn't want to let you down. but if you do love him back.. he will try his best to treat you right, though it doesn't mean that you will be safe from his teasing and his pranks.

deuce spade.

♡ out of all the heartslabyul boys, i imagine deuce being the one to get a crush on you earlier than all the others. you're just so nice and sweet and understanding.. you also didn't judge him after you heard about his past and even said that you're proud of him for trying to change and become a better person. after that, deuce couldn't get your words out of his head and became extremely loyal to you, he's always here if you need any help and he feels so happy when you praise him or want to spend time with him.

♡ it's very easy to notice him having a crush on you, honestly. he tries really hard to hide it, but he fails and ace laughs at him every time. he can't say anything properly when you compliment him or smile at him and he starts stuttering, giggling like an idiot or he simply runs away and ends up tripping and falling. it makes him even more cute though and you can give him more attention to get more reactions like that from him or you can pretend not to notice on purpose.

♡ falling in love with you feels like something completely new and that's understandable, deuce has never experienced a feeling like this before. and even though at first it was just a very huge crush, now it actually feels like something more deep, it's like.. he really is in love with you. spending the rest of his life with you sounds scary and he's not sure if he's ready for something like this, but when he imagines it, it makes him feel soft and even kind of excited. he will understand if you reject his feelings, he has not the best past, but if you say yes to him, he will try to become the perfect boyfriend for you. he already knew that he wants to become a better person for his mom, but now he has two people in his life that he wants to change for.

cater diamond.

♡ when cater first met you, he thought you were cute but.. that was it. he didn't think much of you, honestly. don't get him wrong, he thought you were very cute and he would love to be friends with you! but.. he really didn't think that he's gonna fall in love with you later. he just enjoyed hanging out with you, talking to you, he loved the way you smile, he loved the way you laugh and.. wait, that's just him thinking you're cute, right? but not, like, in that way, right? because cater doesn't think he's quite ready to admit that he has feelings for you.

♡ cater is not sure how exactly it happened and why he got a crush on you. it's like.. he just feels more safe around you. it's like he can actually show you his real self and you won't judge him. of course, he's still not sure that you would actually be okay with him acting like his real self and he doubts that you would even like that side of his.. but for some reason he still feels like he can trust you. so he may or may not drop a few hints that make you go "cater. dude. are you okay." no, y/n, he's not okay, this poor man needs a hug.

♡ falling in love with you feels exciting and terrifying at the same time. cater feels truly happy when he's with you, he manages to forget about his problems at least for some time and his smile looks a lot more sincere than usual. but he's also.. scared. he doesn't think that you will love him back once you find out about his real personality, maybe you will accept it, sure, but would you really want a boyfriend like that? honestly, he should be grateful for you wanting to spend time with him even when he's being his "fake" self. he shouldn't ask so much from you, he should thank you for even just being friends with him. so whenever cater hears you laugh at his jokes, he feels genuine happiness but only for a second before he remembers that you will most likely never love him as much as he loves you. or will you?..

trey clover.

♡ just like cater, trey thought you were a nice person, but he didn't think you were.. you know.. his future love or something like that. he thought you were cute and he was always there to suggest his help if you needed it, but he really just thought that you two are gonna be friends and that's all. okay, maybe you two will be close friends. like, very close friends. but that's it. trey gave you so much attention and he had a habit to get a little bit too worried about you for no reason at all, but he thought that you're just.. well.. another younger sibling figure to him (your actual age doesn't matter). why else would he care so much about you?

♡ but oh no. it looks like you're actually something more to him. you're not just another younger sibling figure going "trey, i need your help!! ><". he would seriously think that he just likes you platonically and if it wasn't for cater, he would never realize that he actually likes you romantically. so what if he blushes a bit when you compliment his baking. so what if he thinks about you so often that it distracts him from his vice dorm leader duties. so what if he imagined spending the rest of his life with you- okay. okay, he understands what cater means now. maybe he really is in love with you.

♡ falling in love with you feels confusing for sure, but it also feels soft and sweet. trey may be a local mom friend who's always here to help his underclassmen out, but he has no idea what to do with his own feelings. should he just confess to you already or should he wait a bit? wait, do you even love him back? he has so many questions but almost no answers. but if you do love him back, trey will most likely notice it eventually. he's a smart boy, he had no idea that he actually has romantic feelings for you, but if you have a crush on him, he will definitely find out about it and when he does, he might start teasing you even more often.

savanaclaw.

leona kingscholar.

♡ oh boy. this guy definitely didn't expect to fall in love with you. no, he didn't expect to even become friends with you. you were just a weak little herbivore to him, nothing special, nothing out of ordinary. you were very a bit annoying sometimes too. but when you started saying things like "i want to get to know you better" or "i want to talk to you more".. that's when leona got very confused, though he didn't show it. why would you say things like that? what do you even want from him? is it because he's a prince? oh well, sorry to disappoint you, but he's actually a younger- "i just want to know why you're so lazy all the time.".. okay, this wasn't the answer he expected. he will tell you to go away, but don't pay attention to that, he's actually more interested in you now.

♡ leona just can't understand why you're like this. why do you spend so much time with him? why can't you just let him nap in peace? he actually jokes about you having a crush on him once and he expects you to go "h-how can you say things like that so casually!..". but you manage to surprise him again. "well what if i do? what are you gonna do then, huh?" okay, maybe he did underestimate you a little. just a little bit. you're slowly becoming more and more interesting and he hates to admit that he wants to know more about you. why? well.. he wants to know why you're so annoying all the time.

♡ falling in love with you feels weird, but also surprisingly entertaining. leona never knows what you're gonna do next and for some reason he even finds it exciting. he somehow manages to act like a tsundere and flirt with you at the same time. yes, he will go "ugh, why do you have to ruin my day like this" whenever you step on his tail while he's asleep, but he also will say things that make other savanaclaw students think that he's about to confess his feelings for you OR you two are actually already dating. does he know that he's in love with you though?.. he will need some time, but he will eventually realize it. and he's not gonna be happy about it.

ruggie bucchi.

♡ ruggie didn't really pay much attention to you at first, but he has to say that you're really fun to mess with. he never gets bored of seeing your reactions and sometimes he would steal stuff from you just to make you look at him. he knows that it probably sounds weird, but don't worry, he definitely doesn't have a crush on you, haha.. hey, why are you being so kind to him? why do you cook/buy food for him? why do you keep asking him if he needs any help? ah, maybe you just want a favor from him? you want him to help you with something, don't you? why would you have any other reason- "i'm just worried about you, that's all." oh no. oh no he's about to catch feelings.

♡ your kindness scares ruggie a bit, but he also keeps wanting more. he doesn't understand your motives, he doesn't understand why you're so worried about him. you just say things like "oh, i thought you were tired from doing leona's job all day" or "i thought you looked tired, so i just want to help you out, if that's okay". they may sound like nothing special, but ruggie feels weird whenever he hears you say stuff like that. he just jokes about you being too pure for someone like him, but he's actually kind of serious about it. are you sure you want to be friends with him? or.. maybe you're actually in love with him? don't worry, he's just joking around~

♡ falling in love with you feels fun at first, but it slowly starts becoming more and more scary when ruggie realizes just how deep and strong his feelings are. it's not just a small crush, he really is in love with you. he can't stop thinking about you and not a day passes without him wanting to see you. it feels strange to be treated so well without any reason at all, but ruggie just can't say no to your kindness. even though he keeps trying to make it look like it's nothing serious and you're just friends, he's actually this close to crying because he feels like he will never have a chance to be with you and you will never love him as much as he loves you. why would you even have feelings for him anyway?

jack howl.

♡ savanaclaw boys wouldn't find you that special when they first meet you and jack is not an exception. he thought you still have a long way to go and you have to put more effort in what you do. he also thought you looked too weak and "fragile", so he made sure to remind you to train more often, if you can, or to just take better care of yourself. i-it's not like he's worried about you. it just bothers him that you always look so tired all the time and it doesn't look like you get enough sleep too..

♡ however, you manage to impress jack and he's surprised to find out just how hardworking you really are. no matter what happens or how hard your life in twisted wonderland may get, you still try to achieve your goals. sure, you may whine a bit and say that it's unfair for a magicless human like you to go through so much, but you still do what you have to, no matter how weak you look. jack sure finds you more impressive than leona and he doesn't even notice how fast he starts to admire you and even fall in love with you.

♡ falling in love with you doesn't feel like something special because jack isn't even aware of his own feelings at first. he just thinks you're very cool and he respects you a lot and wishes to help you whenever he can. he just always wants to be by your side and support you when you need it. you're much stronger than he thought you were when you two just met, but he still thinks that in a world like twisted wonderland.. you deserve to be protected. and he's more than willing to protect you from whatever life throws at you. he realizes that he's actually in love with you when he notices that he feels a bit weird when you're around. this feeling is warm, but also so confusing.. and whenever you say goodbye to him, he doesn't want you to leave. b-but that's just because he admires you a lot, right?

octavinelle.

azul ashengrotto.

♡ azul didn't think you'd be that useful to him at first. it's not like he can make a deal with you or take your magic.. but still, being friends with a ramshackle prefect might actually help him in the future. so yes, he will try to become closer with you anyway. he's sure it will be easy to make you trust him, he just needs to make you believe that you can rely on him and who wouldn't want to have a friend like azul in such a scary world, especially as a human who has no idea how twisted wonderland works?.. well, it's actually not as easy as azul thought it would be.

♡ sure, you do want to become friends with him, but whenever he tries to help you with whatever you're struggling with (for a price, of course) or he tries to make himself seem as a kind person who genuinely wants to help others, you simply go "thank you, but i'm fine".. what do you mean, you're fine, y/n, he knows what crowley makes you do, just ask azul for help already! but as time passes, azul starts to notice that he actually wants to help you not because he needs you to make a deal with him.. but just because he really does feel bad for you and he wants to make your job at least a bit easier.

♡ falling in love with you feels strange and unexpected, azul wasn't prepared for this at all. he didn't think that he would actually become so attached to you, you were supposed to be another student who he can manipulate, so why do you feel like one of the most important people in his life now? he doesn't think that it's love at first, him thinking of you as his actual friend is already too much for him.. but then his overblot happens. and you forgive him for everything. and you tell him that no matter what, you accept him and even though he still has some.. um.. not so good qualities to work on, you'll be there to help him and support him. okay, maybe he actually is in love with you.

jade leech.

♡ jade thought you were an interesting and unique person right when he met you for the first time, but you were just that: an interesting and unique person. nothing more, nothing less. he would love to know more about you though, so don't be surprised if he starts talking to you more often or asking you more questions. this man wants to study you in a lab, okay. oh, and even though he sure does seem suspicious, he actually doesn't have any ulterior motives, unlike azul. he just can't go "hey, i like you, let's be friends', no, he has to act like his usual self that sometimes seems more dangerous than floyd.

♡ he doesn't even notice falling in love with you, but he sure notices becoming more interested in you for some reason. he always wants to know what you're up to, he wants to know more about your interests and he's always here if you need someone to talk to, whatever the topic is. he only starts thinking more about his feelings for you when floyd mentions jade being "totally in love with you". jade thinks floyd is just joking at first, but then floyd says that he was serious and jade's crush on you is more obvious than he thinks. and the funny thing is that.. jade is surprisingly casual about it. he just goes "oh. so i have a crush on them. okay". he never felt like this before, so he's a little confused, but it's not like he's about to have a breakdown because he just realized he's been in love with you this whole time.

♡ falling in love with you feels sweet and exciting. jade just thought you were a fun person when he first met you, but now it's hard for him to imagine his day without you. you've made him feel emotions he has never/rarely felt before. it's so unusual for him to worry about you, laugh at your jokes or be angry at someone who ruined your day. and trust him, all of those emotions are sincere. he's not pretending, you really made him feel all of this and even though he's not used to feeling this way, he can't wait to find out what else you're going to make him feel.

floyd leech.

♡ just like his twin, floyd already thought you were interesting when he just met you. he always followed you everywhere, he kept pranking you just to see your reaction and he thought that you getting annoyed with him was cute. and he found you even more interesting after he realized that even though he kept messing with you, you still let him hang out with you and didn't ask him to leave. huh, so you actually like his company, shrimpy? well, he's glad to hear that~

♡ floyd's feelings for you don't feel like a crush at all at first. he just thinks you're cute and that's it, really. but for some reason, he really hates it when he has to leave or when you don't give him enough attention. sometimes he takes a break (he doesn't tell azul anything though) from his work at mostro lounge just to hang out with you and he feels bored whenever you're not around. he has no idea why he feels like this, but.. who knows, maybe he really does like you, hehe.

♡ falling in love with you feels fun and full of surprises. floyd has never felt this way before and even though this feeling can be kinda annoying sometimes and it doesn't go away, he wants your relationship to become deeper and he wants to have more fun with you. just being friends is not enough for him anymore. you became an irreplaceable and extremely important part of his world and he hopes you feel the same about him.

scarabia.

kalim al-asim.

♡ kalim is kinda oblivious when it comes to crushes.. no, he's very oblivious. he really does believe he just likes you as a friend and even though it's true at first, as time passes, literally anyone can see that kalim treats you even better than people who he calls his friends. and considering how kind and friendly he is, this guy basically never leaves you alone even for a second and you get gifts from him every single day. he's constantly trying to come up with ways to make you happy and he thinks you have the most beautiful smile in the whole world. but yes, he definitely doesn't have a crush on you <3

♡ you and kalim would most likely have that friends to lovers dynamic. he's very easy to get along with and even though his energetic personality may be overwhelming sometimes, if he sees that you're tired or sad, he will tone it down a bit and ask you what's wrong. if you're not doing so well, he will genuinely worry about you a lot and he's okay with doing anything to make you feel better. he doesn't understand why your happiness matters to him so much, but.. maybe he just doesn't like it when someone is sad. and when YOU are sad, he feels like it's the end of the world and he has to do something about it immediately.

♡ kalim almost doesn't notice falling in love with you. he just thinks your friendship is becoming stronger and that's it. it's okay if he wants to hug you for a little bit longer, that's just because you're his best friend! it's okay if he wants to hold hands with you, he just doesn't want you to get lost and he's worried about you! it's okay if he wants to kiss you- oh. uh.. oh, you know, he means it in a platonic way! it's not like friends can't kiss each other! but if he actually wants to be more than friends with you.. would you be okay with that? wait, what is he even supposed to do with his feelings? maybe he should ask jamil for advice..

jamil viper.

♡ jamil's case is actually even worse because if kalim at least knows that you two have a good relationship and that you are friends, jamil is like "?? idk who you are to me. can i trust you. can i call you my friend". he thought you were okay when he first met you, but didn't pay too much attention to you, though he certainly appreciated you being.. you know, a more "normal" person than most nrc students (especially kalim). he actually feels like he can rely on you, honestly. he won't talk to you too much though, who knows what you're really like jamil if you're hiding something it doesn't mean that everyone around you is like that

♡ jamil doesn't understand why he feels so strange around you. at first he feels like he can trust you, even though he still tries to stop himself and tells himself that you can easily stab him in the back. and why are you so nice to him? you're probably just trying to become friends because you think that having a close relationship with someone like him could be useful, right? well, he's not gonna fall for that. and stop praising him all the time already. he told you that he's just a vice dorm leader and his abilities are not that special- wait, why does he feel good after hearing your compliments. oh no. oh no, he doesn't want you to stop.

♡ falling in love with you feels scary and jamil doesn't want to admit that he sees you not only as a friend (though he won't tell you that), but also as someone who he loves and wants to be with. you actually listen to him, you give him love and attention that he always wanted and you recognize his talents, but you still think that they are not the only good things about him and jamil is also just a very good person who deserves to be loved. jamil doesn't feel like he's ready to open up to you just yet, but he really doesn't want to miss a chance to finally find someone who will care about him as much as he cares about them.

pomefiore.

vil schoenheit.

♡ your relationship with vil definitely had a rough start. he criticized you a lot, he told you to take better care of your appearance, health and all of that. you felt like this guy hates you and tried to avoid him as best as you could. however, you were wrong and even though vil still thought that you could do better and you have some things to work on, he didn't hate you. in fact, he thought you were an interesting person who has their own talents and abilities, but they have to work on them more so that they can achieve their goals faster. so yeah, he basically tried to motivate you, but he probably didn't do a very good job.

♡ other people can notice vil giving you quite a lot of attention but not in a good way. it means that he's especially harsh on you. most students start to agree with you and think that the guy hates you, but his vice dorm leader knows that it's not true at all. rook is sure that vil is being so rude just because he believes you're better than most nrc students and he wants you to reach your full potential. but wow, it really feels like vil is almost obsessed with you. rook mentions that vil almost never stops talking about you lately and vil says that it's not true- no, rook, don't even joke about vil having a crush on you.

♡ even though vil sure has a lot of braincells, he almost doesn't notice falling in love with you as well. he really thinks he's just mad at you for not "trying hard enough", but this guy actually cares about you a lot. it may seem like he's angry at you and he hates you, but he's actually just very worried. what do you mean your sleep schedule doesn't even exist. go to sleep already, don't you know what happens to your skin if you don't get enough rest?? no, he's not worried about your health, it's just. uh. anyway, what about your hair-

rook hunt.

♡ finally. finally someone who actually knows they have feelings for you. though it may take some time for rook to realize that he's in love with you and not just admiring your beauty, he still would understand his feelings for you earlier than most characters here. he understands how romance works better than them, okay. very chad behavior of him sure, he thinks all people are beautiful in their own way, but you feel a little bit more special to him. his heart beats faster around you and he finds it hard to take his eyes off you. he never felt like this before around other students or people in general.

♡ rook would be very affectionate with you, however, he would take his time and wouldn't confess his feelings for you that early. he wants his confession to feel unique and special, he has to be prepared for that moment! he also needs some time to learn more about you. he wants to get to know you better, he wants to know what kind of person you are, how you see the world and he hopes that this way he will be able to predict your reaction to his confession. but of course, he doesn't do it just to earn your trust, he really is curious and wants to know more. you're just so interesting to him, he wants to know what exactly made him fall in love with you this hard.

♡ falling in love with you feels like a fairytale. it's so magical and exciting, rook wishes he never stops feeling this way. you are everything to him, all of his thoughts are about you and he's not complaining. he may joke about you distracting him from everything else, but he's actually more than happy and he doesn't mind being obsessed with you at all. yes, he may still compliment other people's beauty and talents, but don't worry, he has eyes only for you and he's more loyal to you than you think he is.

epel felmier.

♡ unless you make fun of his height, call him cute too often or refuse to take him seriously, epel wouldn't mind your company at all. who knows, maybe you two can actually become friends. and you do become friends! how fun! epel didn't expect to get along with you so easily, but he's more than okay with it. he's glad to have someone he can trust enough to talk about his true feelings and show his true personality to. he's more open and honest with you and he feels like you would never judge him no matter what he does or says.

♡ this feeling slowly starts turning into deep love and affection for you, though epel doesn't seem to notice that and still thinks you're just a friend to him. but he does notice feeling a bit more anxious around you now. why? well, it's like.. he wants to become better for you. he wants to impress you. h-he doesn't have a reason for that, really. he just.. wants you to notice how great and talented he really is. he wants you to praise him and smile at hiim while saying that what he did was amazing. again, he doesn't have a reason for that. totally.

♡ falling in love with you feels sweet and bitter at the same time. epel feels safe when you're around and he feels like he can tell you anything, but he's also scared that you actually don't think he's that special. he does slowly start to realize he's in love with you and that makes him feel even more scared. he needs to become a better person for you, he needs to become stronger, he wants to become someone who can protect you, who can impress you and who you can rely on. so forgive him for taking some time to work on that, he promises that he will tell you the truth when he's ready.

ignihyde.

idia shroud.

♡ idia genuinely doesn't understand why you're so nice to him. it actually scares him a little and he never knows what to expect from you. you're not as extroverted as some other nrc students, like kalim for example, but you still always run to idia whenever you see him and try to talk to him more. what do you want from him? you're just doing this out of pity, aren't you? it's okay, you don't have to give him so much attention, idia loves being alone, also he has online friends, so it's not like he's a complete loner or anything.

♡ you still try to get to know him better. you just want to help idia get out of his shell and become more confident. you don't think that being an introvert is a bad thing at all, but you still think that idia should start socializing more anyway. and you're sure that idia wants to make more friends as well, he's just afraid of being rejected. no, idia, you don't think that all these people are normies, you're just scared of them and trying to come up with an excuse so that you don't have to talk to them.

♡ falling in love with you feels sudden and predictable at the same time. of course idia shroud would fall for a person who's always there to support him and genuinely wants to become friends with him. he's affection-starved, okay? he may say that you can be really annoying sometimes, but he actually waits for you to text him or say hi to him every single day and if for some reason you can't talk to him, he feels lost and.. sad, even? please, don't leave him alone.. he knows that he's most likely too lame or boring for you, but he can't stand the thought of you leaving him.

diasomnia.

malleus draconia.

♡ i wouldn't call it love at first sight, but right after malleus met you, he knew that you're gonna become someone special to him. you didn't know anything about him. you didn't know his real name, status, his real identity. you didn't care about his reputation and you simply thought he seemed like an interesting person to talk to. he also seemed a little lonely too and you really could use a friend in a world like this, so yeah, that's how all of it started. he thought that the nickname you gave him was cute too.

♡ malleus gets used to your company too quickly. in fact, he can't imagine what he would do if you suddenly disappeared or simply lost interest in him. he got used to your kindness, to your smile, to your laugh, to your affection. his world becomes more warm and fun when you're around. but of course, he doesn't want this relationship to be too one-sided. he would do anything to protect you, help you or simply make you smile. you deserve the same happiness that you give him.

♡ falling in love with you feels soft and sweet, but also.. scary. malleus feels so happy when you're around, whenever he wakes up, he immediately thinks of you. you're everything to him. so if he loses you.. he will lose everything. he can't let you leave him. of course, he knows that you come from a different world and twisted wonderland isn't your home. he knows that you will leave him sooner or later. but.. is it selfish of him to want you to stay here for as long as possible? maybe you don't even have to leave?

lilia vanrouge.

♡ lilia thought you were cute right when he first met you. your reactions to his sudden appearances were so funny, it was hard for him to stop surprising you like this. at first your relationship dynamic was just like that, lilia kept surprising/scaring you, you screamed, he laughed and asked you to not be mad at him, he just likes your reactions too much. but as he started learning more about you, he realized that there are so many things he likes about you and it's not just you being an adorable scaredy-cat.

♡ for some reason, even though you wouldn't be able to tell from his behavior, lilia feels very calm when you're around. it's like his thoughts about his past and everything that he had to go through during his very, VERY long life can finally give him a break when he's with you. he doesn't have to worry about that, he can just stay here in present. and actually, he likes staying in present much more now thanks to you. but you're so naive, so innocent, so fragile, lilia thinks it's cute but he's also extremely worried about you because of that. you weren't made for this world. no matter how much you get praised for your job as a prefect, twisted wonderland is still too much for someone like you.

♡ lilia falls in love with you slowly, but when it happens, it feels so overwhelming, lilia has no idea what to do. he knows that having a romantic relationship with you is probably not the best idea considering that you'll have to leave this world someday and even if you don't.. he also doesn't have much time left. but if it's possible, if there's at least a tiny chance of him being in a happy relationship with you, he doesn't want to miss that chance. he may not have much time left, but he would do anything to spend all of that time with you.

silver.

♡ you and silver become friends surprisingly quickly. he knows he can trust you to wake him up when he falls asleep again, even though you think he looks very cute when he's asleep and you want him to get enough rest. whenever silver blames himself for being too lazy or incompetent, you're always here to remind him that he's already doing his best and he doesn't have to be so harsh on himself. he definitely will become a great knight one day no matter what, you believe in him!

♡ your kind words and your support make silver enjoy hanging out with you too much. he lets you watch him train, he finds it relaxing to take a nap when you're there with him and you run your fingers through his hair while he's asleep. even though he seems like a chill guy, he's scared of letting his father and his master down, but he always can rely on you when doesn't feel confident enough and he needs someone to tell him that everything is gonna be fine and lilia and malleus are already proud of him. and you're proud of him too.

♡ falling in love with you feels like a dream that he doesn't want to wake up from. he never thought his life was that bad, but it surely got better thanks to you. he wants to thank you for everything you did for him, he wants to protect you from all the dangers of this world. he knows that he wanted to become a knight so that he can repay lilia and malleus, but now.. he wants to be your knight as well. no, please, don't worry about him, he genuinely wants to do it. you always give him motivation to keep going and it would be an honor for him to become someone who can always protect you.

sebek zigvolt.

♡ yeah, your relationship with sebek wouldn't be that good at first. you two would argue a lot, he would never stop calling you a "lowly human" even though he's a half-human himself. and if you even think of saying anything bad about malleus, that's it, he's this close to killing you on sight. and you did hate sebek for acting like that at first, but as time passed, for some reason you actually started finding it.. entertaining? you loved to make him angry on purpose and then you decided to start teasing and even flustering him. yes, you did flirt with him multiple times just to see what kind of reaction he would give you, so what?

♡ sebek doesn't know how to feel about you. he knows he's supposed to think you're weak and pathetic because, you know, you're a human, but.. why does he feel so weird when you throw your dumb pickup lines at him? and why he feels like he actually wants to be praised by you and he wants you to notice how talented he really is? he knows that you're most likely not being serious most of the time, but he really wants you to be serious for once. uh, he just wants to be praised by you because he deserves it and that's it. it doesn't mean he wants you to be serious when you flirt with him, haha..

♡ sebek really didn't want to fall in love with you and he didn't expect to catch feelings for someone like you, but it still happened. he just doesn't understand why you still hang out with him even though he doesn't treat you that well. and how is he supposed to react when you tease him like that? he knows he should stay serious, but for some reason he just can't control his emotions when he's around you even though he's never that good at controlling them. he also realizes that even though you're a human, you're capable of doing many things and.. ugh, he really doesn't want to say it, but you're actually just as good as some magic users. y-you still have a lot to work on though.

royal sword academy.

chenya.

♡ you and chenya first met during that one unbirthday party after riddle's overblot. you were surprised to find out that a guy from a different school (and a rival school too!) was able to get here so easily and didn't care what nrc students will think of him. and also you thought that the way he could easily appear and disappear as he pleases (or he could just stay as a floating head) was funny. so yes, this guy managed to pique your curiosity.

♡ chenya himself thought you were quite interesting and he was even more surprised when he found out that you came to rsa secretly from other students just to see him. haha, you really betrayed your own school like this for him! wow, y/n, that's something only a lovestruck person would do! but he has to admit, he likes you even more now. just what kind of person are you? you're so full of mysteries and chenya isn't sure if he wants to know all the answers or it would be more interesting to keep it this way.

♡ falling in love with you is fun and exciting. you keep spending more time with chenya no matter what other nrc students think and chenya likes to make jokes about stealing you from nrc students so that you never have to leave him. is he just joking though?.. well, it doesn't matter. what matters more is that you both always end up having so much fun and you feel so comfortable with each other that there's been multiple times when one of you was very close to kissing the other. and lately, it's been very hard for you both to control your feelings.

neige leblanche.

♡ when you first heard of neige, you couldn't believe that someone like that actually existed. i mean, someone more beautiful and popular than vil? is that even possible? and when you finally saw him for the first time.. you were a bit underwhelmed. yes, neige is definitely very pretty, he's adorable, actually, but.. is that really it? but when you actually meet each other, you find it surprising just how nice neige really is. he's very polite, he treats you with kindness and makes sure you're comfortable. oh no, he's so cute, you're about to fall in love-

♡ you actually feel kind of pathetic for getting a crush on neige. it's just.. so predictable, you're really not that special and you're not any better than his fans. you doubt that he will ever notice you, you're just a magicless human from a different world, you don't deserve to be with someone like him. but what you don't know is that neige fell in love with you right when he first saw you. not because of your appearance, even though he thinks you're really pretty, but because of your personality, the way you treat other people and stay kind and patient no matter what. it's very impressive for someone who was basically forced to stay in this world against their will.

♡ falling in love with you feels like neige's life turned into an actual romance movie, but this time he doesn't know anything about the plot, especially the ending. he sure hopes you two will get your happy ending though. neige loves his fans and he really doesn't want to make them sad, he knows that dating someone when he's this popular is not the best decision, but he really, really wants to be with you. this is what true love feels like to him.

noble bell college.

rollo flamme.

♡ you were a bit intimidated by rollo when you first met him, you just.. thought he was a bit scary, haha. but then you noticed just how kind he is to you and that even though he's polite to all nrc students, you're a special case and you certainly are his "favorite". he also was the first person who actually thought you didn't deserve to go through all of this and that it must be very scary and overwhelming for you to have no other choice but to stay in this world full of danger and.. magic. so yes, you got used to his kindness pretty quickly, even though you still had a feeling that something is not quite right.

♡ and yeah, it turned out that rollo really wasn't the best person to trust. he hated magic with all his heart and he wanted it to disappear. and it was hard for him to choose between his growing love for you and his hatred for magic, but then he managed to convince himself that he's doing all of this for your own good and in the end you'll have no other choice but to agree with him. after rollo is defeated, he expects you to hate him as much as others hate him, but to his shock.. you forgive him. you had to deal with six overblots, even though nrc students saved the day this time, it's not like they're much better than him. so yes, you think rollo still can change and you want to give him a second chance.

♡ after that, rollo's love for you becomes even stronger. he can't stop thinking about you and it's hard to tell if he's in love with you or he's obsessed with you. when you have to go back to nrc, it gets even worse and everything around rollo reminds him of you. he really wishes you could spend more time together and he wasn't so focused on his plan. he's gonna be honest, he doesn't really regret doing.. well, all that, but the fact that he could use that time to talk to you more makes him think that maybe.. maybe trying to steal everyone's magic wasn't a good idea. yes, he thinks so only because he could spend more time with you instead of taking everyone's powers. listen, he needs some time, he will change. probably. maybe.

[badaziraphaletakes]

Hello!

Omg yes, thanks for bringing that out. The fact that Aziraphale was already aware of the dangers of Heaven as early as Before The Beginning is SO important for the story imo. It really bothers me that ppl's selective memory tends to forget that scene when analysing s2. It feels like they're cherry picking evidence to build a version of Aziraphale that fits their opinion instead of collecting all the data to try and understand his actions.

If you look closely, Before The Beginning and The Final Fifteen are parallels of each other up to some point: in the former, Crowley is saying that he can make a difference ("if I was the one in charge I'd like it if ppl asked questions", "hey boss this is a really terrible idea", "how much trouble can one get into for just asking a few questions") and Aziraphale is saying it's dangerous. In the latter, their roles are reversed, Aziraphale is saying they can make a difference and Crowley saying it's no use bc they're toxic (and it IS dangerous). It's funny bc Aziraphale is agreeing with angel!Crowley now, and Crowley is agreeing with cherub!Aziraphale now (showing once again that aziracrow are one and the same), but they're probably not seeing it.

Aziraphale never had this never-ending belief in Heaven ppl attribute to him (he probably thought that he should have that belief, even pretended to sometimes, but he didn't, his actions show us that he didn't). If anything, angel!Crowley trusted Heaven much more than Azi ever did, bc he was sure nothing bad would happen to him. BUT I also don't think he was naive for that, bc he was trying to make a positive change on things, and that's NEVER a stupid thing to do. He also didn't believe Heaven was always right just bc it's Heaven (his questions are evidence of that), even if he trusted them. For characters like Aziraphale and Crowley, in a situation like theirs, we must look at what they do, not at what they say.

Yes, it also bothers me that some ppl think he's always wanted to go back when in s1 we've seen that he was miserable when he was there, and not wanting to go back to Heaven was the reason for him to help stop Armageddon!! It makes no narrative sense. AND he said it in no uncertain terms "I don't want to go back to Heaven." He said it to the Metatron, but he was retelling this conversation to Crowley, so he said that in front of Crowley, with his own mouth. Crowley knows.

As for not loving Crowley as a demon, I absolutely agree with you and it's all part of the last thing you write about and I think it's an absolutely on point badass take, and it's:

You are SO DAMN RIGHT about this and it grinds my gears. We are supposed to analyse The Final Fifteen using the whole context of the story we got in the previous eleven and a half episodes! We're not meant to re-contextualise the rest of the show bc of The Final Fifteen? That makes no sense in this story?? Especially bc The Final Fifteen is full of biases. Us being heartbroken, the characters being triggered and emotional, the storytelling trying to hide stuff from us, the fact that they were threatened... There are Clues there, I'm sure, but we have to know the whole context of their relationship to understand them.

It's like trying to analyse your whole self when you're having a panic attack. It's not an accurate depiction of who you are. Analysing a couple using only one of their fights and erasing all of their good moments bc of it is pretty fucking dishonest to them.

Thanks so much for your take, I really, really loved your last paragraph and be sure I'll use it again to comment on other takes here 😁😁😁

[shazzbaa]

[sighs tiredly]

WELL.... obviously im not thrilled about the AI deal tumblrs involved in, or the fact that you have to opt-out manually rather than existing accounts being automatically opted out.

I understand the idea of leaving/deleting in protest, sending the message that this kind of behaviour will discourage people from putting content on your site. And I respect that, I don't think it's necessarily misguided. Here's my cohost, for people who'd like to find me elsewhere! At the same time, protest seems like really the only reason to do that -- like, I don't think doing so preserves your stuff. My art is likely in the machine already, not because automattic made a deal with midjourney, but because my tumblr posts come up on google image searches -- they are not hard to snag. AI companies have already pulled content that was freely accessible and put it into their machines without asking; that's like 80% of my problem with AI art in the first place!

So, like, if I go "I'm moving to my own site" or "I'm only posting on cohost from now on!!" then is my data or my work any safer, beyond security through obscurity? It's wrong to use my work without consent, but practically, I'm not gonna be able to track down every generative model that uses my data to train without asking. As much as "we're making a deal to give your data to an AI model" sucks, especially when it's done so sloppily..... a situation where there's an explicit contract in place where the AI company (theoretically) has to get your agreement to use your data IS... WEIRDLY, a tiny step closer to what I want to happen???? Like it's not... GOOD..... but I dunno if it's actually Worse Than It Was Before? IDK....... just turning it around in my brain while I try to decide and I can't make a strong case for packing it up atm

I'm not a professional artist rn, I'm just here for fun, and I've opted out all my blogs, so for now I'll probably stick around and just keep an eye on everything and see how things go. BUT YEAH, if you're skeedaddling and want somewhere else to follow me, my cohost is shazzbaa and I have a carrd over here that I try to keep updated, so feel free to find me there too!!

[professorspork]

Hey, a little while ago, you reblogged that post about AI learning when people insert fics into AI text generators, and I wanted to offer good news and bad news: the good news is that AI learning models mostly don’t work like this. The publicly accessible text generator isn’t the whole learning model, it’s a single machine that the learning model generated. It won’t get fed directly back into the AI.

The BAD news is that there’s not really anything stopping them from saving that information separately to use later, and (much worse) anything that’s publicly available has probably already been scraped and saved. The good-in-this-context-but-depressing-overall news is that these models operate on the scale of billions of words, so, like. Idk. Individual fics ending up in a database mostly isn’t going to matter. That’s part of why the data-scraping isn’t something devs think about, ethically. This info is a paraphrase of another post I’ve seen going around saying the same thing, but I can personally corroborate it; before AI was a “crypto people hate when artists can earn a living” thing, I took some college courses on it and followed blogs about AI stuff for years. The last year or two of AI news has been really shitty :P It’s been really cool to me for a long time, but it is now clear that it’s even-more-vulnerable-than-usual to “capitalism uses every tool for oppression first” Knowing how it works is exhausting because anti-AI people are sometimes not all that much more accurate about how it actually works than the fervently pro-AI “I think chat-gpt is a person and human-generated art is dead” people, and then both of them skip talking about the more concrete problems like the “chat-gpt is propped up by slave labor” stuff.

I really appreciated this series of asks and wanted to make it available for all!

I think what we run into here is where like. A rhetorical device to invoke a sense of stakes and a bit of a guilt trip ("this is plagiarism because it feeds the AI" and its many permutations) can run up against misinformation (it's not literally becoming part of the AI's knowledge base, though as you noted it certainly COULD.) Because like

Where that post was coming from was someone being like "but why shouldn't I do this?" and the answerer resorting to "because it takes my work away from me" and this is still true in like, the rules of community and creativity if not necessarily in the hard lines of code. it's harder to articulate "this makes me uncomfortable because it's violated my ineffable sense of mutual belonging with and ownership of my own work, which I already felt on shaky ground on because it's fanwork but still FEEL with my WHOLE HEART" than it is to say "this concretely makes my words fuel for the machine" which I think people grok as a more sort of understandable breach of that social contract.

Which is why I like this post a lot because it gets at the WHY of why this is so perturbing and violating and isolating

Fandom was never meant to be a solo endeavor! when I write fic and put it out into the world, it's like echolocation. the words I put out are only half of what gives it shape and meaning to me-- the other half is the sound of it reverberating back to me as it bounces off the people it hits by way of comments, tags in reblogs, and DMs and they tell me their reactions and interpretations. that's what makes it a complete picture and not just screaming into the void.

to be removed from that process at all is a heartbreak to me; to have my words taken without my consent is insulting and misses the point and just. ultimately makes all of us that much more alone. which is to say that it's factually correct to say individual fics ending up in a database won't matter because it's probably already been scraped anyway because that's true for the AI and for the data. but individual fics DO matter insofar as like, these are choices people are making about what this hobby is and means and why they like it and what they think it's for and how they enjoy it, on a communal and social level, and THAT matters to me a great deal, in the same way that like, people now might end up getting videoed for a tiktok without their consent or whatever. it's about the erosion of privacy and respect.

but also yeah ChatGPT also runs thanks to exploited and underpaid workers, consumes horrific amounts of water in a time of increasing drought crisis and emits tons of carbon to boot.

[itsbenedict]

okay, so- the past three days have been pretty insane, hence no to-do lists. did not know hour-to-hour what in the hell i'd have to do next.

monday morning, there was a company meeting, and it was announced that we were being sold. this was not... the most surprising thing in the world, because about a month ago there was this sudden hasty push by the top to reorganize the business into distinct independent units that didn't depend on shared services. like, what else would the point of doing that be, if not to sell off pieces of the business? sure, they said that wasn't happening, but who the hell was fooled by that?

so i used to do most of my work on these projects for this one specific business unit, building and running a bunch of middleware API integrations for our learning management system. but my boss, who used to be in charge of the dev team generally, got assigned to this totally different unit- and she liked me enough that she pushed really hard to get me reassigned to her unit.

so i was already conflicted about that:

i really like my boss- she's really understanding of my need for flexibility to work on my side projects, she only cares that i get the work done (and even with many side projects, i still consistently exceed expectations and get a full-time workload done ahead of schedule), and she was pushing hard to get me a raise against upper management who'd taken to using covid austerity as an excuse to never give anyone any raises ever. and the team assigned to this unit didn't have any senior devs who could handle a big infrastructure transition, and i'd just become AWS certified, and without someone like me, my coworkers assigned to that unit would be in some hot water. plus, after the transition, maintaining a reduced suite of products would probably be easier day-to-day.

but on the other hand, all my projects in the other business unit, with the LMS- those are pretty vital, and the nature of the contracts with those clients necessitates frequent maintenance and changes. my code for those integrations is bad, for various reasons but mainly that there is no dev environment for testing changes. it's fundamentally about managing production data in databases we don't directly control, so every change has to be done very quickly and carefully, with no room for big refactors to clean things up (and risk breaking stuff). it's a mess, and no one in the other business unit is prepared to take it over. plus- i liked working directly with clients, doing work where if i did the work someone was appreciative of the work. it was motivating!

ultimately, i decided to trust my boss and follow her to the other business unit. we weren't completely splitting from the rest of the business- i'd still be able to train up someone else to take over my projects, we'd still have the shared customer accounts management software, and- crucially- i'd still have the boss who understood my needs and had no interest in squeezing value out of me.

so i went on vacation for a couple weeks right after committing to that decision- and then i came back on monday, and that day they announce we're being sold.

also that my boss is fired and being replaced by someone from the new company.

also that we have two months to completely disconnect all our products from shared service infrastructure and rebuild our own.

also no takesies-backsies, the acquisition agreement included terms that the former company not hire back any of the sold-off employees or even discuss the acquisition with them at all. no chance to react to the new information except to sign the new offer letter by close of business on Wednesday.

i was unhappy about this! can you tell???

so my first thought was- okay, this is bullshit. i still want to work for the LMS people, the LMS people still want me to work for them, there has to be a solve here. so i go to the guy in charge of that division, who also wants me to keep working there, and he says okay i'll have our lawyers look into it.

and then... he gets back to me sounding like a robot, "i am unable to discuss this further with you at this time", which is so obviously out of character for the guy that i can tell legal's thrown the book at him. i talk to legal myself- it's a dead end. they can't- they're unable to even talk about why they can't talk about it, because obviously this deal was engineered to prevent me from doing exactly what i'm trying to do here.

so i go at it from the other angle. president of the sold company, now a wholly-owned for-profit subsidiary of a nonprofit organization (is that even allowed???), i explain to him, hey, this is a mistake, i'm only here because my old boss really wanted me to be on her team, surely you can let me go continue doing my actual job?

nope.

so then i start playing hardball.

the salary they're offering me is, adjusted for inflation, less than the salary i was offered two years ago, which had come with the (entirely failed) non-promise that i'd be bumped up to a certain level very quickly after some formalities re: the employment structure. i explain, in detail, how upset i am with the entire state of affairs- and i threaten to walk, which i am allowed to do. i'm not required to sign their new contract- i'd need to go job-hunting, sure, but i have money in the bank, i can afford to do it, and i could definitely get a better deal somewhere else.

this is a tense situation! my old boss knew this team needed me- but they unceremoniously fired her while she was on vacation, so her opinion doesn't mean dirt to them apparently. it's unclear how vital i really am to this- they could maybe train up one of the other devs to handle the AWS stuff.

and on my side- if i walk, that's it. all that horrible messy code for the LMS stuff- i don't get two months to train someone else up and write documentation and do some housecleaning. i'm gone! my horrific dirty laundry (and hours and hours of regular maintenance work) gets handed off to some other dev who's totally unprepared for it, and that person inevitably puts a curse on my entire family line as retribution for me leaving them holding that intolerable bag. i don't actually want to walk, because then i end up the bad guy in the eyes of people i respect and care about.

(also i'd have to do a job hunt and that shit is so god damn annoying you have no idea you probably have some idea.)

so i tell the guy, look- i can do better. i'm basically starting over doing harder work at an unfamiliar company, and if i'm doing that anyway, why not do it for someone who'll pay me? if you don't give me X amount of money, i'm walking out, and now you don't have an infrastructure guy during the two-month window you have to migrate a shit-ton of infrastructure. i am a serious dude and you can't just fuck with me!

(and inside i'm like:

because oh god i am not a serious dude i am so easily fucked with what if i'm pushing my luck too hard)

and he lets me fuckin' stew. 5:00 on wednesday i need to have either signed a contract or not signed a contract, and he hedges and goes to talk with the higher-ups and makes no promises, and i have no idea whether it's because i scared him or if he's trying to work out how to replace me or what. all this negotiation has been eating my brain for the past couple days and it's coming down to the wire-

and then a couple hours before the deadline he gets back to me with a counteroffer. it's less than i was asking, because that's how negotiations work, but it is more than i was making when i was brought on, by a good 10k.

so now it's on to round two. i'm gonna stick around for this two-month period, make this transition work, clean up my mess and take care of things with my now ex-coworkers- and then if they haven't either proven their management is tolerable or given me a crystal-clear path to advancement, we're back to the standoff- except this time, they'll have a good idea of exactly what it is they stand to lose.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. okay. okay. yeah. so that's dealt with for the time being. i can breathe now. we'll see how it goes. fuck.

[aj-lenoire]

holy fucking shit i am losing my mind over the hbomberguy vaccine video

(yes i know it came out almost 2 years ago i only just got into his stuff alright)

like i knew andrew wakefield's original study was bullshit; when i did a module on autism in undergrad, one of the first things my professor said was that this study was bullshit—it was only done on 12 kids, he owned the patent for the seperate vaccines, it was later retracted for being total bullshit and wakefield wankfield lost his medical license; HE IS NO LONGER A DOCTOR

we were not told:

the study didn’t even FIND anything!! even after wankfield tweaked data, lied about what parents said, his conclusions were that he hadn’t found any actual evidence BUT he really thought there might be a link between the MMR vaccine and autism

(that, for those of you not in the know, is not how academia works, you need evidence)

some of the children in the study weren’t even autistic

of those 12 children, only about half of the parents were reported as saying they thought the MMR vaccine caused their kid’s autism (BASED OFF NOTHING BUT SPECULATION, I MIGHT ADD) and at least one of the fathers has said that wankfield straight-up lied about him saying that

wankfield was hired by a lawyer to ‘‘‘find’’’ evidence of autism so that lawyer could launch a class action lawsuit on behalf of like, 12 parents who thought their kids’ autism was caused by their MMR vaccinations

in the same journal edition the original paper was published, there was another paper by other doctors saying that wankfield’s assertions seemed deeply fishy

the parents were not able to give informed consent to their kids’ medical examinations because wankfield didn't list the risks of the procedures on the ‘consent’ forms

let me say that again

the parents were not able to give informed consent to their kids’ medical examinations because wankfield didn't list the risks of the procedures on the ‘consent’ forms

honestly, if you haven’t already, you should probably just watch HBomberGuy’s video. he cites all of his sources and there is so much more insane stuff i’m not even getting into here

but like, i get parents being scared of medical stuff they don’t fully understand, i get wanting nothing but the best for your kid because they’re your kid and you want to protect them, that is a noble and reasonable thing to want to do!!

however. the SLIGHTEST glimpse at this ‘‘‘study’’’ and it becomes painfully, dangerously clear that there is no and indeed never has been any link between vaccines and autism. by refusing to vaccinate your children, you are actually putting them at more risk and in more danger.

if there’s one thing people need to understand about vaccines, it’s that they weren’t created on a whim. measles, tetanus, polio, mumps, rubella, used to KILL hundreds if not thousands of people a year:

the vaccination rate in france for measles fell below 90% around 2008 and it caused an outbreak in the population that killed at least 10 people

the effects of long-COVID are only just becoming apparent, and even young and healthy people are getting seriously harmed by infection

herd immunity is about 95% vaccination in the population, and it is so, so crucially important that everyone who can get vaccinated does get vaccinated, because people with weakened immune systems (like very young or old people, or people undergoing chemotherapy) will be relying on herd immunity to stay safe. so it isn’t just your kid you’re putting at more risk, but other people’s kids, too

and, also, one final lil’ note:

EVEN IF VACCINES DID CAUSE AUTISM (and they don’t) IT IS MUCH BETTER FOR YOUR CHILD TO BE AUTISTIC THAN TO BE KILLED BY A COMPLETELY PREVENTABLE DISEASE

other informative links in addition to HBomberGuy's video below the cut:

[keystone8379]

keystone you should talk about something in regards to kirby fighters 2 community edition

Oh you're right I haven't done that yet! Regarding Kirby Fighters 2: Community Edition, there is a metric TON of stuff to talk about here. The dev team is some of the closest friends I've ever had. Smash Tactics is a thing because I was able to test the game over and over again with the members of the dev team. We've spent many hours sharing progressively crazier character ideas. We have created some warcrime moves. (or, well, more warcrime moves. KF2 already has plenty of those) I think, however, the best place to start for CE on the KF2 lore account is probably just a development history.

So it's late September, the year is 2020. Kirby Fighters 2 was leaked, got a trailer, and released all within the span of 24 hours. Soon after that, firubii (you might have seen her before) shows her findings from a Twitter datamine, that being evidence of a 3D Kirby game. "Wow! Awesome! I sure hope it's nothing like Battle Royale!" I say at the time. But I digress.

A few months pass and eventually fish gets in touch with Firubii for I believe checking hitboxes and frame data? We get a few things for some of the weirder moves from characters like Ninja, but the fact that a modder was among us got people excited. The prospect of a balance patch mod was an undeniably appealing one and could breathe new life (and a time) into the game. And one that Firubii was interested in.

March 16th, 2021 rolls around and Fish pings everyone saying that they had set up a poll for balance suggested for Firubii to implement. They also got an all star cast of top players and fighting game expects and colgate and me. because I "have lots of opinions." We're all put into a dev chat and poll responses start flowing in.

This poll was crazy. You had Ninja downplaying Mag like crazy. You had Celica Trying His Best. You had nonsense adjustment suggestions like "Not really that effective." But my favourite would have to be probably Qwertz saying to EVERY balance suggestion box "The game needs no balance changes, only quality of life changes."

So we all in the chat start throwing around ideas while not really getting anything done. This will be a running theme. About a month later I was like enough is enough and starting pinging people for proper balance discussions and locking in changes. There's a few notable things we did for v0.1, including making Sword a LOT faster, giving Hammer Palutena's Lightweight, (the s4 custom move) making Bandana Dee's spears stick into the ground for a few seconds, and making Cutter's boomerangs bounce off walls. That last one was our first real criminal change, as Cutter could effortlessly lock down the entire screen. I spent hours labbing counterplay only to find none and grew to despise the character and suggested massive overcorrections for v0.2. Oops.

Overall v0.1 was pretty good! It had some iffy stuff and launched with a Whip desync in game but other than that it was a success I think. It came out during July of 2021, a little under 4 months from the initial announcement. There's a few public tourneys with good turnouts but run via Parsec and Parsec makes me want to commit violent crimes. Progress on 0.2 also goes fairly well. There's some bad ideas in there like making MK not very fun but overall it's not so bad.

Until development just HALTS. To my understanding, I believe it was something personal Firubii was going through but I don't have all the info. Then again, I didn't ask. Like sure, I'd like to have the new CE versions as soon as possible, but ultimately the well being of the people actually making the mod is the top priority, it's why it's so irritating when people are jerks about CE's slow development. Obviously I want the new versions out. But we all have lives outside of this and sometimes other things need doing.

Eventually 0.2 gets out, at the start of Febuary 2022. It's solid but still has some things that irk me. After a few months, we ask for player feedback on overall balance and specific changes and get not many results. Granted, CE doesn't have much players so balance discussion is somewhat meaningless for a game this unexplored. I think 1.0 fixes all of the glaring flaws though.

At some point, once again, development freezes, and this one was rough. No communication from Firubii led to a lot of dooming, especially with how close we got to actually launching 1.0. We DO actually know why she vanished for so long this time, it's because her house caught fire. It didn't burn down don't worry! But this still caught us all SUPER off guard.

Anyway, CE resumed development and went for a little while, but hit a brick wall when trying to add training mode. I'm not an expert on the inner workings of KF2 but I know Firubii talked to Ryn (yes, the goku in strive Ryn) about it a little bit. I actually posted about this to my Threads account but who gives a shit about threads. That's more or less where we are now. It's been a while since the last tester build but what can you do.

There's also a few other things but there wasn't really a good place for them. Colgate thought it was a good idea to make a tierlist video for a game no one could play. It wasn't. I had to spend the days after that video doing damage control. There was a playlist where people could suggest songs to add to CE, but tbh it was more just an excuse to listen to music in VC while we could still do that. We were gonna move off Gamebanana because the site is run by N*zis but this was during the fire arc so didn't happen. AV also thought it'd be a good idea to shittalk CE and ask to join the dev team in the same day. There was also the time we had to rush out a trailer for Savi's Dream Display but I have a few criticisms about that which I'll share with him one day.

I think that's it? If you wanna download the mod I'll link it right here: https://gamebanana.com/mods/303920

[autogeneity]

Hi, I was looking into computer science and I wanted to ask you what drew you to it and how you feel about it as a career choice?

I don't think my reasons for getting into it are likely to be very helpful to anyone else because they are very specific to my life at the time and not actually much about computer science at all. Skip to the last section for more relevant things.

But here is my story —

I went into university with a starry-eyed idea of understanding the True Fundamentals of Everything and was majoring in maths, physics, and philosophy. also my brain was broken and I had a very fuckd't relationship to reality as a concept (mega derealisation with substantial perceptual distortions and potentially some delusional features) and some part of me saw this as Deep Philosophical Insight, while another hoped getting The Answers would solve it.

after a year it became apparent that this was probably at least a little silly and not going to happen, and I didn't actually see myself being a professional physicist irl.

additionally, I felt more drawn to doing something with more tangible outcomes in the real world rather than chasing maximum abstraction. I had a growing interest in neuroscience and AI and simulation, but also could maybe see myself becoming a professional mathematician. so I kept the maths and switched the others to computer science and psychology.

I guess the specific CS appeals were: I already knew some programming and had found it basically trivial to learn, so I sort of figured it is probably a good match for my brain. and I like puzzles (actually when I first got to uni all the departments were doing little recruitment speech thingies and the CS department actually gave us puzzles! I somehow imagined this would be representative of literally anything (it is not)). I still find those, like, code challenge type problems a lot of fun though.

the final thing that sealed the deal was the availability of a scholarship for maths+cs major, and the fact that it could provide a backup plan if my academia plans failed.

---

As for how I feel about it — well, my academia plans did fail so I am very glad I had a backup in place. Even if they hadn't gone wrong at the time, it's pretty clear to me now that the many mental health issues I continued to deal with in the time since would have led to me fucking up in academia sooner or later in a way they did not in my job. There is much, much more latitude here.

And it's pretty alright as a job; I'm not ecstatic about it but I don't really mind overall and it is sometimes fun. I actually like bug-fixing, lol — the kind where there's an immediately-obvious mistake and I just gotta correct it is boring but the hunt is fun. In general I dislike the amount of small, tedious tasks where I just gotta do some obvious thing, but I like it when I get to build something more substantive that requires more figuring out. I am somewhat fond of the way the shape of the things feels in my brain (not sure that makes any sense lmao). Albeit there are not really many puzzles. :(

But I'm not intending to stay in my current work. I worked briefly in data science and found it much more engaging. I plan to move towards that and/or stuff in the direction of bioinformatics or scientific computing or computational neuroscience. Which is all still computer science but not. software development.

---

Which is probably the biggest thing I would want to highlight for someone considering computer science. In general working in software development (the most typical career path) is very different to working in computer science. Very often someone interested in the one will not be very happy with the other. I would encourage identifying which is your interest, and seeing what they both actually entail, before pursuing anything.

Because like, if you want a run-of-the-mill programming job, in many places it might be worth considering just doing some sort of bootcamp and projects. The company I work at gets probably like 20% of their graduate hires from that stream. Much cheaper and faster than a degree! Or for various other types of work certifications might be a good approach.

If you like mathy things, you probably want computer science proper. If you like engineering, tiny technical details, performance focus, etc, you probably do want formal education and may want to look at things requiring low-level languages, e.g. embedded software. I think people who like twiddling and configuring enjoy cloud shit? or infrastructure and ops work more generally but I think these days most places that looks like cloud shit. If you like the big picture, modeling, and the human side, you may be interested in systems analysis (I find this Very Shaped tbh but am not up for the human side and honestly don't like making big judgement calls).

Somehow I don't actually know what the people who like everyday application development actually like about it specifically lmao? even though they are surely the majority. But ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[39oa]

hi! i’m slowly getting interested in f1 but i don’t really know how to start. so i was wondering if you had any content to recommend (except for the races of course) to get into the fandom, or anything else that could help, really.. thanks :)

oh anon i would love to help!!! are there any drivers/teams you're already particularly fond of or things you want to learn more about? i feel like it'd be easier to narrow down content if i understood your interests better since it's really something you can mold entirely to your own tastes and there are a million different ways to Enjoy and Consume the sport LOL. tbh i call myself an f1 fan but i mostly just rep oscar and in reality enjoy junior formulae more as a whole because i find the process of getting to f1 more intriguing than actually being in it... so it's really whatever you make of it! i'll try to divide my notes categorically so hopefully that helps a little bit but lmk if there's anything specific you're looking for :') and as always apologies in advance for my rambling 💔

getting into the actual sport

having a baseline understanding of the sport is obviously useful but i'm not sure how much you already know so i'll assume you can find super basic info about how seasons and points work! if you want to delve just a Bit further then:

i think chain bear is a decent youtube channel for easy explanations on some technical aspects and little things you may not have picked up on yet that will help when watching races

drive to survive is of course Not Great but it can be a nice and quick window into learning names and faces, even if a lot of it is ridiculously simplified or overexaggerated. it's basically like using duolingo for learning a new language in that it should be regarded as a semi-reliable supplemental material readily packaged for convenient consumption. if there are specific drivers you're interested in you can always pick and choose eps to consume decent Background Lore for, e.g. you can just watch s1e8 if you're a sharl fan

honestly not to shill for official f1 media but i do think f1tv is a pretty decent streaming platform when getting into the sport... definitely not saying you should subscribe to it (if it's even available in your country!) but just as an aside and maybe for future reference i do believe it's very friendly for new watchers because live races have different feeds that let you track race data (gaps, tyre usage, granular sector data during quali, etc.) and it also lets you switch between driver onboards which can be cool. moreover it has pre-race/post-race shows, technical analyses, archives of past seasons, all the f2/f3 content, documentaries, etc. so it's a pretty complete package! although a good amount of stuff gets x-posted to the official youtube channel so it's not a big deal

if you like podcasts, i think beyond the grid is cool because it has a fun variety of interviews (current drivers, retired drivers, tps, engineers, etc.) about both past and current events so you can basically seek out whatever you're interested in learning more about. otherwise i don't really listen to f1 podcasts regularly because i have weirdly low patience for them compared to hockey, but my friend told me that shift+f1 does yearly primers so that could be something useful to check out! (here's the 2023 season preview, i haven't checked it out but i thought i'd link anyway)

keeping up with news

obviously an important part of fandom is trying to keep up with current affairs, so if you haven't already then i would of course follow the f1 youtube channel + twitter account (or whatever other social media you use), f1 nowadays is extremely effective at marketing itself so it's not like hockey where you're fighting for your life waiting for the unfunniest puck personality video in existence to drop every 8 months. not that all f1 driver content is necessarily funny but there's probably a touch more investment in maintaining the illusion! anyway.

if you use reddit then r/formula1 is honestly probably the best aggregate source of f1 news and up-to-date info, i don't read everything there but it's pretty useful and easy to navigate. plus sometimes when i want to cause myself irreparable psychic damage from something that already pissed me off i can venture into a 500-comment section to get my blood boiling even more... 10/10 would recommend

other than that it's really like — follow official channels for any other drivers or teams you're fond of tbh, i do have a few motorsports journalists in my twitter list but since i respect the fact that some people don't enjoy endless news spam i'd maybe just recommend chris medland if you want a succinct live feed during races for the moment? f1 journalism is kind of godless so you don't *need* to follow that many reporters on a whole.

driver personality content

unfortunately i'll be showing my age when i say i don't have a tiktok account but now that i think about it that's probably a great source of information because it seems like f1 fandom is thriving over there!!! regardless the official f1 youtube does have a lot of little driver personality videos you can watch to get to know them more, and again i'd recommend checking out official team + driver channels for more tailored longform content. for ex just from very recent mcl fan pov they have an unboxed series with behind the scenes of select races and also loads of fun minigame content; every team should have at least SOMETHING to nibble on but certain teams are definitely more marketing-savvy than others (aka big 3 + mcl) 🥲

official f1: f1 has a yearly series called grill the grid with just mini quizzes that all the drivers compete in, some are less interesting but it's overall not bad content. the channel has a playlist for the 2021 gtgs which includes the iconic sebvettel world champion video LOL... actually if you sort the f1 channel by Most Viewed there are probably some fun classic videos in there (looking now it's a lot of crashes but you can ignore those lol), like press conference highlights and other convenient top 10 lists. for a random rec i was just nostalgically revisiting the 2019 rookie of the year video and it was getting to me a little bit!

sky sports f1 will also occasionally have good interview/inside content that you can check out, a lot of it is geolocked though (same with canal+ content in france). but for example i felt so much experiencing this random alex interview from last week... he is truly guy of this world

fan compilations: again if there are any drivers you like then you can just search up their names and there will be a ton of comps with Funny MomentsTM, sometimes it helps to just pick a guy and see how you feel about him as you consume content because your true interests will organically develop and surface eventually... sorry i feel like i'm writing a manifesto on fandom in general which is definitely not what you asked for LOL. but like twitch quartet (aka charles, george, alex, and lando) have a ton of silly streaming highlights you can find on youtube, lando has a gaming company called quadrant that he does videos with which can be uhhh hit or miss depending on how much you enjoy Lad Culture, etc...

really it's so easy to get hyperspecific with content once you pick a team or driver so i'm not sure what else to recommend on a general level but that's what i've got off the top of my head! fandom definitely skews a lot toward rb/merc/fer/mcl so it's easiest to consume both video content and fic for them, but if you're willing to go trawling for interviews then you can really get invested in anyone... fandom culture also varies so wildly depending on how you follow the sport and which drivers you invest in emotionally. my closest friend is a "chirlie" as they say and it really is an experience rife with organizational trauma and TFW You're Beholden To The Stranglehold Of Your Legacy so that's always a great pick if you're craving maximum narrative evisceration, or if you're in it for the fic then you could literally just get really into maxiel, but i'm basically chilling in my land of rookie stonks and sit down to watch non-mcl content maybe once a month.

honestly i only follow like 3.5 f1 fans on tumblr because i'm objectively terrified by the size of the fandom HLSHDFLKH so i mostly consume things in a vacuum and talk to like one friend 😭 but there loads of cool creators out here and you can always find a few gifmakers/fanartists/etc. and just follow the rabbit hole from there!!! best of luck and hope this helps >__<

[bloodgulchblog]

PLEASE tell us your thoughts about whatever the hell is going on with Chief's hallucinations(?) in Halo 3 and Arbiter's perspective on the matter. please. please.

Alright I have two things to talk about and I'm putting it under a readmore bc I got longwinded like I always do.

OKAY SO-

We actually know what the hell is going on with the Cortana moments.

Here's a mention of them in one of the Halo crate data drops because of course that's where they revisited this:

The earlier explanation for them (courtesy of "Human Weakness" by a certain Halo author you all know I have problems. No, not that one, the other one) was that they're messages that the Gravemind used its increasing infiltration of Cortana's systems to send to convince the Chief that she was too far gone in rampancy to recover. (Basically. Through a couple layers of interpretation probably, I was using the Internet to refresh my memory because I don't feel like reading that again.)

I'm not actually super invested either way in the interpretation of what the Cortana moments are in literal terms myself.

But my thoughts about the Arbiter's perspective (which is, to be entirely honest, very colored by my own fanfiction bullshit) are:

It's funny to read the Chief and the Arbiter's interactions as Chief just ignoring him, and that's definitely how it feels when running through. The obvious answer for why Chief doesn't respond is because it's how they usually handle the Chief in Halo, especially earlier Halo: he's the player's avatar and they have him say very little so it's easier for people to project onto him.

But, my personal read really is that the Chief says nothing in those spots. It's consistent with his characterization and the situation. So, that raises a question for me:

Why does the Arbiter tolerate the Master Chief not answering him?

And I was thinking about this because I've been thinking a lot about how do we know these characters actually became friends when we get so very little of the process?

The Arbiter was an important man for many years, and he is used to immediate response and compliance. He has to notice and feel something about this, but we never see him pursue the Chief for an answer when the Chief is silent. It doesn't piss him off, and all his later appearances indicate he thinks incredibly highly of the Chief.

He's not the only character who has interactions with John like this. Johnson also isn't bothered when the Chief doesn't talk back to him, and the Chief frequently doesn't respond verbally to Cortana either.

So.

A critical thing for other characters coming to understand John is being able to read his silences. This is personal character read stuff here, but I really think a lot of the Chief's quiet is a line of self defense because talking opens him up in ways he doesn't like and/or wastes time. He's bad at talking and doesn't have a "good" response to a lot of things, and has learned that he can often get away with not responding at all.

John is weird, but a person can get used to how he communicates without taking his weirdness personally.

When dealing with the Cortana moments, John is already distracted and not in a good place to even explain what he's responding to. When the Arbiter asks him what he sees, he doesn't say "don't worry about it" but he communicates "don't worry about it" by moving on without comment.

That Thel 1) understands and 2) accepts this answer is, if you want to overengineer a red string conspiracy diagram based on video game nonsense with me, readable as evidence that Thel has gotten to know the Chief a little over the course of the weeks they've had to work together. We see John and Thel look at one another and silently coordinate in I think at least a couple cutscenes.

Also... Thel knows that the Master Chief is not doing great. He's seen how the Chief responded to the message from Cortana. He's seen Johnson, who does absolutely know the Chief, talk to the Chief about the situation with her.

They're in deep shit, the Arbiter knows the Chief is not doing particularly great, and he understands how the Chief communicates (in his stupid weird Spartan way) about the situational information he asked for. It's not worth pressing him to reply like someone else would, it would be a waste of time and needlessly antagonistic in this shitty situation they're trying to survive.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 2/21/2023

despite two sections clocking in at one sentence each, i had a lot of thoughts about a video game so this one is the normal creeping-up-on-2k-words length

listening

brian david gilbert's rgss must be presented without comment.

-

reading

earlier last year a regional gas station chain offered a whopping twenty five cents off per gallon. many terms and conditions applied. the one that made me scoff and delete the app right there at the pump was that location data had to be on at all times. not just when you were using the app or in a geofenced area around the gas stations, all the time. i hate people knowing where i am. i despise my data being sold. do not advertise to me. fuck off.

last year this made me briefly wonder about the loyalty programs i have with the regional supermarket chains, big y and stop & shop. i don't even want to think about whatever instacart was collecting on me much earlier in the pandemic. unfortunately i can choose not to drive as much but i really should not eat less and i do love a loss leader sale. and then i had to move again and forgot about it. earlier this week my favorite data scientists at The Markup dropped a...upsetting article on kroger's data practices, which can include in-store tracking, biometrics, facial recognition, and when shopping on kroger.com: "Third-party trackers send your product page views, search terms, and items that you have added to your shopping cart to Meta, Google, Bing, Pinterest, and Snapchat." did you know they have their own spinoff data company? for why, you might ask?

Experts told The Markup that companies that sell products in grocery stores don’t have much visibility into what happens after their items are placed on shelves. These brands want granular shopping data that only supermarkets have in order to gauge the success of the brands’ products. In recent years, this data has become harder to come by and therefore more valuable. 

i try very hard not to be be doom and gloom about tech bc reporting already tends toward the hysteric, and usually there is stuff i can do or a different option i can take to avoid a package of my data being sold and linked to other packages of my data. however, it is unrealistic to leave my phone at home and pay with cash, and financially i can't afford to opt out of these loyalty programs. sucks! sucks real bad! The Markup articles are pretty good at making the american senate take notice, but they are very slow and do not always fully understand tech abuses, bc their average age is sixty fuckin three.

-

watching

im ticking along in adventure time, in the middle of season six, the last real long season before we get down to twenty and fourteen episode seasons. there has been an amusing string of episodes where finn and jake aren't present or are only present briefly. this show will wander off to tell the most heartrending story about a character you will never see again, and this episode will stick with you for ten years.

ive also been looking at the fandom (i know) wiki page for each episode, bc why not, and it is a very funny fan wiki. a great deal of emphasis on animation errors with the caveats that maybe the miscolored arm of a princess in episode whatever actually means there's two princesses of that kingdom and we're only seeing the second one for the first time now. whenever the show references a classic work, the note in the wiki has the tone of "ugh this weird old thing why is my show making a joke about it". if an episode won an emmy (this show won fifteen emmys btw) it is usually the very last thing on the page bc that's not lore or errors or connections to other episodes why should you care??? either a very specific type of guy or a bunch of young teens wrote this. probably a bunch of young teens that grew up to be a very specific type of guy.

-

playing

thank u for all ur open world rpg recs, i think horizon zero dawn is the closest thing to what i want but i will probably end up playing Prey first (which has exactly one of the many qualities i want and is not open world even a little bit) bc it is a game i actually own. but im here to say i know im having a depressive episode when im listening to a lot of mother mother and playing f/allout 4. anyway we're back at it again in far harbor, which at least contains the most interesting storytelling in the game. can we all say hello to andre, bethesda's eleventh first gay character?

coming up on this drive-in theater with an incongruous neon heart looming out of the mist and spooky music plus screams from the horror movie trailer that's been playing on loop since the bombs dropped is SO fun. nothing on the mainland is quite this atmospheric. the fog really does heighten the fun of exploration. i know dead money did it first and better but this is less dire than dead money. usually.

also i forgot they're showing a western staring Legally Not Lee van Cleef if u switch the reels. this is not even getting into the delightful enemy encounter at this location bc i have a different location i want to talk about

GOD the MS Azalea (the one screenshot that isn't mine and is from the wiki) is so fun to run around. a rusted out, ripped in half cargo ship with five different sections (guardpost, top of ship, shipping container apartments on top of ship, inner sheltered harbor within ship and floating kitchen/pool table parlor, floating bar and clinic lashed to ship entered by swimming or elevator down from the top of the ship, sheltered harbor between two halves of the broken ship. each of these sections uses vertical space in interesting ways bc the ship is so fucking big. there is a straight up House underneath that boat. and everything feels very lived in, there's clutter and signs of life everywhere. these guys are just vibing with their little stores and their little apartments. a smarter game or a game with more time would have leaned into "you were sent to kill these guys by the townsfolk bc they felt threatened by an unaffiliated settlement" but alas. the trappers on the boat are just xp.

it is very funny that the lighthouse on the south end of the island refuses to load in properly, no matter where i am

this dlc, more than anything else in the game, actually does feel like my choices matter. i do the missions for the mariner and the barricade physically changes. i do enough fairly complex quest chains for enough of the town and they decide they like me enough to go build settlements. seeing the settlement fog condensers off in the distance from across the island feels very different from the mainland, where generally your settlement's buildings don't pop in until you're pretty fucking close.

i really don't care about how big the map is, i want the main game to be this dense and this bold in telling a stories, start to finish, that feel very interconnected and grounded to its location. i am feeling a little conflicted with my playtime, bc i gotta lotta fucking bones to pick with this game, but i am having fun with this dlc. part of it is "what if fallout/the rest of the game was good" and part of it is the depression making any scrap of delight feel weird. so it goes. february will end eventually.

-

making

did my taxes.

[earlgreytea68]

Okay, I really came over here to post about artificial intelligence and not algorithms but those are one and the same, really, and illustrate the shortcomings of artificial intelligence.

I had a couple of people ask me what I was writing about with artificial intelligence and the truth is that I don't know. I actually find it difficult to even read artificial intelligence discourse because it all just sounds absolutely terrifying to me wrapped up in "if you find it terrifying, it's because you're old." But this is also my field and I feel like to be a responsible scholar I should have coherent thoughts about artificial intelligence, and so I keep trying to make myself learn more. But I don't know if I am at all sensible or logical about AI or just an absolute mess.

So, anyway, I'm in the process of brainstorming what my thoughts are. I am THINKING initially that my approach isn't really going to be "is this good or bad" or "is this legal or illegal," because I think a lot of people who understand the tech much better than me are having those debates. What really caught my attention is how whenever people talk about the ChatGPT type of artificial intelligence, what they say is, "This is just what people do! People read stuff and then they take what they've learned from that stuff and create new stuff!" And yeeeees, absolutely, that is exactly what people do, but when people do that stuff, like, when fans consume a bunch of stuff and then make something new out of the object of their affection, traditionally the legal system has been like, "ewwwww, what lazy hacks." So suddenly we've all discovered that this is how people work? And we're all cool with it now because we've taught some computers to do it? Are we still going to be cool with it when people like fans do it? Or no? Like, that's what I think I kind of want to point out and highlight? Do we let machines get away with things we wouldn't let humans get away with? Is a machine even "like" a human in the first place? Why are we framing this discussion this way? Idk.

Other thoughts I've had while researching:

People analyzing AI tend to treat it VERY technically. Like, "Well, obviously using all these works for input isn't copyright infringement because technically speaking no copies remain because they get broken down into data points," blah blah blah. It's just VERY fine-toothed-comb, this kind of analysis.

On the one hand, people talking about AI are like, "This is just what humans do!" And on the other hand, people talking about AI are like, "This is a revolutionary tool that will change the world!" And, well...which is it? If this is just what humans already do, why is it so revolutionary? Presumably because of the speed and size and scale of it, that THAT'S what's revolutionary. But I also think it's wrong to be like, "AI is just REALLY FAST human creativity," because AI knows everything, and no human does, and at the same time I cannot shake the idea that humans are different from machines, but maybe that's me being hopelessly naive. BUT I think it's a different type of naivete to be like, "Exactly, humans are different from machines, so machines will never replace them!" because...there is literally nothing about modern society that makes me think every industry everywhere won't jump on the ability to replace workers with machines. (This might conflict with my "make people miserable" economic theory except no, depriving people of jobs they want will definitely make people miserable, which is why I suspect AI will only replace the jobs people actually want to do.)

Copyright law mostly only works if you presume that everyone is out to monetize all creativity at all times. Some people are like, "We don't need to modify existing copyright law, because AI will fit into our copyright law model," so that must assume that AI will also be inevitably exploitative. Which is probably right, let's be honest, this is a capitalist society we live in. But allowing people to break out of exploitative models (reach audiences with the gatekeepers of traditional publishing / music labels / movie studios) has caused humanity to explode with incredible amounts of creativity. So being like, "Let's just use AI to exploit things again" seems weird to me. At the same time, though, much of AI stuff right now is not necessarily exploitative and still seems to be harming artists, so maybe this thought of mine is going nowhere. But I feel this little nibble of suspicion that we'll land somewhere where AI will be legal / accessible as a tool only to those paying for it and thus extracting a price for the output in order to justify the cost.

People keep saying that artists will learn to use AI so it will all be fine. Idk how I feel about the best outcome we can imagine being "creative people will adjust the way they create to accommodate new machines." Like, some people will learn to use AI and they will love it and it will be exactly how they want to create, and that's great! But some people will never want to create using AI and we should make sure both ways are okay but we are generally not good as a society at doing stuff like that, so. And when people say stuff like this, they never say, "Some artists will adjust," they say, "Artists will adjust," with presumably that implication that artists who don't will no longer be considered artists.

I keep coming back to: Why did we ever need AI for creative purposes? Like, I get why we need AI to be chatbots or do algorithms or go through predictive data or all this other stuff which suffers from the human limitation of not being able to be 24/7 calculating all the human knowledge in the world. I guess I just don't understand what about creativity humans weren't handling well enough on their own, that we needed computers to do it for us. I saw someone say that AI is not going to be used to make our lives better. This goes back to my theory of capitalism: AI will not be used to replace the drudgery thoughtless tasks nobody wants to do. AI will be used to replace the creative work that people actually desperately want to do. I don't see any reason not to think that's true, Idk.

I also understand that there's no way that I talk about AI and don't sound like a hopelessly old person upset about the invention of photography or something, so I really try really, really hard to view it as positively as I can. I think that AI is probably incredibly useful for people who struggle with expressing themselves through words and so AI can help them with that, or struggle with drawing and so AI can help with that. And so I don't want to discount those positive aspects of AI, either. (At the same time, I thought about using AI to help me draw stuff, since I can't draw, and found the idea deeply odd, but that's probably because the reason I can't draw is because I'm not a visual thinker, period, and for that reason I just never felt confident that what the AI gave me would be anything that would come out of my own head? If that makes sense?)

I just feel like we're standing here on the precipice developing this incredibly powerful tool and we have a terrible track record with basically any incredibly powerful tool we have ever developed sigh.

So yeah, no coherent thoughts. Idk if I ever will have coherent thoughts lol. I might end up abandoning the project.

[mycptsdrecovery]

To the person who sent this ask:

https://at.tumblr.com/mycptsdrecovery/hi-im-sorry-to-ask-this-really-because-it-feels/fepccd6vfm9e

So first off I want to apologize because this message is probably gonna fuck your shit up a little bit. But for me at least, clarity brought peace. I hope this helps you put the pieces together and can bring you some comfort to know that you are not alone, what happened to you was very real and incredibly traumatic, and that you are incredibly strong for living through that. You’re obviously very smart and you’re asking the right questions- keep it up.

I read your post and I know exactly what happened to you. You had a VCUG. I had it done too, multiple times when I was 3. It took me literally 20 fucking years to figure out what that was and what happened to me. When I read the Wikipedia page, it was like I got hit in the head with a brick so brace yourself before you look it up. The procedure has literally every characteristic of a sexual assault, and I have lifelong sexual trauma from it. It’s used as a tool in research for studying memory related to CSA, because ofc you can’t abuse children to get data- but the VCUG is “medically necessary.” I think it’s almost worse in a way because it’s more like a gang rape WHILE YOUR PARENT IS WATCHING, and you’re not even seen has an object of attraction- it’s dehumanizing, and the denial of autonomy over your own body has serious, long term effects. It set me up for a lifetime of other sexual trauma- by the time I was 6 I was already showing hypersexual behavior. I never learned how to set any boundaries. Period. If you learn as a child that you don’t even have privacy *in the bathroom by yourself*, layered with the confusion and embarrassment of the experience (I was being potty trained, and then all of a sudden I’m in a radiology room and my mom is telling me I have to pee on this table in front of all these people??) seriously fucked me up, at least.

I spent literally my entire life not knowing why I was so fucked up, not knowing why I was so deeply traumatized when nothing (that I knew of) happened to me. It’s agony, and I blamed myself and lost myself in addiction and anorexia. Funnily enough, Ive always gravitated towards people who had serious childhood trauma. I’d hear their stories, and understand the feelings, but I never had a “story” of my own. It made me feel like an imposter, because it wasn’t like I got raped by a family member or something more “textbook”. Nobody talks about VCUG trauma even though thousands of kids go through this every year. It’s a faceless trauma, there’s nobody to blame (which makes it even more difficult to cope with imo)

There’s like one (1) support group on Reddit with 70 members, which is the largest to my knowledge. I was thinking of maybe starting a blog because there’s a lot of older people on reddit (like 5-10 yrs older than me at least) and I think that growing up Online with that trauma and 24/7 access to violent adult content is a totally different experience. But all of the emotions they talk about are the same, I’ve always kinda felt like nobody could understand what it’s like to be in my head, but reading that subreddit made me realize that I’m not The Most Fucked Up Person Who Has Ever Lived. And I learned how the trauma has formed every facet of my personality. Like I’m an anxious control freak who feels no sense of ownership over my body- surely that has nothing to do with this foundational traumatic memory of being denied control over my most basic bodily functions, right? Much to think about lol

You’re not crazy, and what you went through is unfortunately very real. I’m assuming that you’re still a teenager or a very young adult so you may not have gotten a yeast infection since you were a kid, but I think that the white stuff/medicine you were describing was monistat for a yeast infection. It’s a suppository, so there’s a like plastic plunger you put this white egg on, and then you put it in your vagina and push it up to your cervix, and the medicine leaks out over the course of a couple days. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that you would remember that, someone put a foreign object inside of you that was itchy and gross.

And for the record, your parents are *Very* Bad At Boundaries!!! If they can’t be the adults and set healthy boundaries, you have to. Its perfectly okay to say “I don’t want to talk about that” or “you’re making me uncomfortable, please stop touching me”. You didn’t have a voice when you were a kid, but you have one now. Trust me, I know it’s fucking scary and feels impossible- but do it once, and you’ll be hooked on the feeling forever.

I figured everything out last year (I’m about to turn 24), and I’ve been in therapy which has been super helpful. For me at least, EMDR has really been great for reprocessing those memories, and so has hypnotherapy exercises for being able to get into my subconscious. If you’re gonna look for one, you need a trauma specialist. Don’t fuck around with like a school counselor who mainly does “I’m depressed sometimes” therapy. If you’re anything like me, you need Serious Help.

I love you internet stranger- everything’s gonna be okay. You’re not alone, and it is possible to heal ❤️ I hope this brings you some peace

.

[sparrowsgarden]

As someone with a passing knowledge of how AI/computer image generation works, I really wouldn't have minded my stuff being plugged into an engine before a handful of months ago.

That isn't to say that artists shouldn't have control over whether their content is used as training data (the general lack of discretion in the data sets is a whole issue of its own), but up until recently these programs were a lot more of a novelty, and also commonly acknowledged to be very bad at what they were trying to do. While stable diffusion has made the outputs scan better, they're clearly still lacking a lot. Of course, I've never been personally at risk, because I don't have a singular distinctive visual art style - I have a good handful which I apply depending on my mood or what the project demands. My writing, also, is geared toward clear and concise communication, and that simply can't be imitated if the engine doesn't understand the concept behind what it's trying to communicate.

But moreso, it seemed absurd to me that image generation in its current state could compete with actual artists, and I still don't really see that as being as much of a concern as some people think. The people who understand the value of human-made art will still want it regardless of replicability. Anyone willing to substitute it for something that gives them much less flexibility with the final output probably either wasn't compensating artists fairly before, or wasn't buying art at all. I'm not really convinced this hypothetical guy exists who previously would have paid full price for a work by a popular digital artist, but won't anymore because they can generate a facsimile of the artist's style. I think the problem is way more with the general devaluation of art and design work.

There certainly may be less commercial work, but the survival of artists shouldn't depend on their commercial viability. In our capitalist hellscape those corners are liable to be cut when any substitute is available. That could be computer image generation, or it could be a guy who can whip out a barely-passable Photoshop job in 20 minutes where an artist (or a designer who cared and was paid enough to make it more than barely-passable) would spend hours.

Anyone who's argued for modern art before - or on the other end of the spectrum, for photorealism - knows that art shouldn't be valued only by how easy the image is to replicate, and I feel like the emphasis on commercial viability really flattens the discussion on how this technology actually has the capability for harm.

My concern is not about the artists not getting paid for jobs in industries they were already being cut out of. My concern is about how our world might get measurably worse because some people have decided that "actively garbage but scans ok at a first glance" is good enough. Or they don't know enough about what they're doing to discern whether the output is good quality, which is uh, horrifying in some of these contexts. But again, those people were already cutting those corners - it's just gotten way easier to point and laugh at them.

So really, if we want to protect ourselves, I think the main thing that we can do is point and laugh. This won't guarantee that they'll change anything meaningfully, but it'll at least show them they can't get away with making these changes without anyone noticing. It'll hopefully teach people who have not figured it out that these tools are not smart and essays are not an appropriate use for them. And it'll give us some pretty guilt-free schadenfreude to tide us over.

[elthadriel]

writer ask meme: 13 + 29?

Hey!

13. How much planning do you do before writing?

It really depends on the length of the fic but I always do some. For shorter fics it's often bullet points of the beats I want to hit and the longer the fic the more in depth those will get. With very long stuff, <20k, the planning process is a whole thing. I make tables and charts breaking down thematic plot lines and how they relate to each other vs the driving plot.

I don't have a good one to share just now, but once I finish my big bang I might share the outline for it.

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

Have the opening 800 words from the Fox/Thorn fic that I started almost two years ago and just never seem to have the time to crawl back to.

-----

Thorn comm’d Fox about two minutes form his office, which was enough time for Fox to send a reply that Thorn would ignore, Fox to realise he was being ignored, send a second, ruder message that Thorn would also ignore, and finally resign himself to his fate.

The office wasn’t locked when Thorn arrived, and he let himself in.

“I brought you a present,” he announced, placing the bottle down on Fox’s desk, finding space between a stack of filmsi, two data pads, and five empty cups of caf. At least some of the caf looked like it had been sitting for a while and Fox hadn’t downed it all in the last couple of hours.

How much did Fox need to piss?

“You know, when a senior officer comms you, you are expected to read and obey them,” Fox drawled, somehow eyeing the bottle up suspiciously even through his helmet.

“Would you believe me if I said I didn’t understand the message?” Thorn sat in the seat across from Fox, wondering if Fox would be genuinely annoyed if he put his boots up on Fox’s desk or just pretend to be.

“You’re right, this is my fault. I forget you were trained by Alpha-31. I’ll use smaller words next time. Is asshole still too long for you?” Fox hadn't put his work down, but he had lent back in his chair and Thorn could hear the smile in his voice even if it was hidden by his helmet.

“I don’t know, Sir, maybe if you attach a picture?”

Fox snorted and Thorn beamed. Success.

“Seriously though, the drink, Fox. I had to pull rank on a whole squad of troopers to get it for you.” All he’s actually said was that Fox might like the last remaining bottle and all competitors had abruptly lost interest; they were a good bunch.

“What is it?” Fox asked, still not reaching for it.

“Not a clue, some fruit based soda. It's very popular on [planet]. The senator’s nephew gave us a crate.”

“Uh huh.”

Thorn sighed, plenty loudly enough for Fox to hear.

Fox glanced back down at his datapad and there was no way Thorn was letting that fly. He popped the seal on his helmet and pulled it off, dumping it onto the ground by. Checking Fox had looked up again he pulled the tie from his hair letting it fall around his shoulders. It probably looked awful, it had been tied up all day and was still half holding that shape.

Fox didn’t move, except a slight lift of his head and Thorn wished he’d waited until Fox had removed his own helmet.

His hair was very much not regulation and if any other CG officer tried it Fox would hold them down to shave it off himself if he had too. Thorn worked his hands through the loose curls, trying to pull his hair back into a half decent shape.

“It’s against the regs for a member of the Guard to remove his helmet while on duty—“

“Not on duty,” Thorn pointed out.

“—Or otherwise representing the Guard including but not limited to wearing other pieces of his armour or in areas under CG jurisdiction.”

Thorn rolled his eyes, a big obvious motion. Fox never mentioned his hair length though.

“Report me if you want, I know the man in charge and he’s a little bitch,” Thorn said and, stars, he could picture exactly how Fox would be smirking at the challenge.

“Need me to come over there and spank you, Commander?”

Thorn’s mouth went a little dry. He wasn’t even into that shit.

“Big talk for a man too scared to drink a soda he hasn’t heard of,” Thorn said and decided Fox would probably only pretend to be annoyed and placed one boot and then the other up onto Fox’s desk.

Fox lent back in his chair, tossing his datapad onto his desk. Thorn tallied that up as his second win.

“Thorn, the last food you brought me gave the worst shits of my life, the time before that was, according to Prayers, literally poisonous,” Fox pointed out.

“I had both just fine,” Thorn said, “It’s not my fault your delicate constitution can’t handle anything with more flavour than a purple ration bar.”

“You know that excuse won’t hold up when your dragged in front of a tribunal for murdering a superior.”

“There’s just so few chances to advance my career, sir.”

Fox snorted and rolled his shoulders in a way that suggested he’d been sitting still for far too long.

“How was I supposed to know it would make you sick? They told me it was a delicacy.” Thorn had certainly enjoyed it.

“To [aliens], sure. To humans it’s a chance to explain to your medic that trusting you doesn’t require brain damage and regular stupidity will do the job just fine.”