#and like. i am proud of myself. im not fucking happy about it but ya know

[darkwehl]

January was not kind to me. Good fucking riddance

[ragingjuggalette]

GAMZEE X RECENT BREAKUP! READER

rating, fluff. Little bit of lime with warning so you can stop reading you just want fluff!

I knocked on the door of Gamzee's hive, waiting for an answer. I wasn't doing so great, my boyfriend had recently broken up with me. I'm not taking it lightly, it affected me greatly and I need some support.

He opened the door and gestured for me to come in. I walked inside his home and as I walked in my hands brushed against his fingers, I blushed, then held my hand.

We were now in his room, as usual it was quite messy but not enough for me to mind.

"Hey lil mama, you don't look so good. Somebody bothering you?" He says, his voice raspy yet sweet. You looked away and nodded your head slowly, his expression changed to a slightly concerned look.

"What happened?" He places his hands on your face and looks into your increasingly watery eyes. Soon tears streamed down my face as a choked sob left my body. Gamzee wiped my tears and looked genuinely upset.

"Darlin' don't despair, I'm here! Jus' tell me what's botherin' ya.." he smiled, the same goofy smile he's given you since you guys met, it was sweet, you really appreciated it. You took a deep breath before opening up.

As you explained the situation, and your currently catastrophic state he took a minute to absorb it, soaking in the information before giving you some advice. He hugged you and you were kind of shocked, gamzee had taken a break from being so clingy so it felt strange feeling his affection, nevertheless happy.

"I gotsta be honest wit' ya, he wasn' the one. I understan' that it's hard to get over that shi' so is there anythin' i can do for ya?" He says in his silly voice, and a slightly western accent. He closed his eyes and smiled once again, he looked so kind your heart could melt.

"Ah, I know this is a big commitment, but.. will you be my boyf- matesprit?" You corrected yourself when you remembered that he wasn't so savvy with human lingo, and enjoyed his flustered face.

"W-woah, ya sure? I mean i aint complainin'.." he twiddled his thumbs and looked around, waiting for approval. He was so cute, and you had been in love with him for way too long.

"Im sure." You rested your arm on his shoulder, and watched him blush. He then held the sides of your head and leaned in for a kiss, you reciprocated it of course and desperately ran your hands across his body, looking for something to hold onto as the kiss because more of a makeout session.

××××BONUS LIME (not lemon, sorry!)

As you kissed his soft lips, and touched his body subconsciously, you started to become aware of how heated the makeout session was. You didn't mind but, what about him?

You heard him moan into the kiss, and you felt yourself become weak. You were so desperate for gamzee now, you could even forget about your boyfriend for a while.

His hands started traveling north, arousing you greatly. His hands were smooth, lanky, and perfect. The kiss ended and a line of spit connecting your mouths quickly broke as his breathing went heavy. You then looked into your eyes once again.

"God gamzee.. keep touching me like that and i'm gonna make a mess of myself.." you admitted. He looked at you all smug and spoke up.

"What if thats my goal?" He tried his best to have charisma, and because of how aroused you where his line sounded so smooth. You then looked back at him.

"Then who am I to stop you? Plus, I don't wanna think about my ex anymore." You said with a proud smirk. His hands traveled down your pants after you said that.

"Oh trust me, im gonna fuck you so good you won't even remember his name, let alone yours." At this point all self respect you had has now been absolutely trashed. But hey, at least you're not thinking of your ex boyfriend anymore.

[sweetvictorie]

ik i hardly Blog so this is weird but i just want a place to put some thoughts about my Life so here ya go. very stream of consciousness

i have been struggling so much in the past year or so with drawing for fun and in trying to figure out why that is, im reflecting on all the changes in my life, and im starting to get really scared that like. what if i just outgrew art (in the form that i usually make it). like i grew up in Fandom and thats what motivated me to draw, loving characters and ships and such. and i still do love shows and stuff obviously but i havent hyperfixated on something in a long time and like. in the past few years ive started working, started college, discovered im bisexual and fell in love with my boyfriend, he moved in with me....... and i just dont interact with media the way i used to bc i dont have the time. im busy doing adult things and having normal people emotions. and i still WANT to draw, i still think its fun and i love the feeling of making cartoons that im proud of!!! but the Ideas are gone. so thats what i mean when i say i might have outgrown drawing. i dont do it like i did when i was a teenager simply because ive grown up. but it makes me worry, because 1. thats my main fucking hobby that i love so much, and 2. im a graphic design major and my goal in life is to be a storyboard artist. this is like my whole THING. and what if i just dont have the passion for drawing anymore? then im fucked. idk. i want to get back to drawing for fun cuz then ill remember why i chose this career path in the first place. drawing is so central to who i am and i just dont wanna lose it. i already feel like ive lost so much of myself in growing up (i love my bf to death, but going from an obvious lesbian to straight-passing has been really fucking weird for my self image). i just wanna draw some funny cartoons it makes me happy

if u read all that, ty for lending ur ear. im open to any thoughts/advice but not necessarily seeking it, i just wanted to put my own thoughts into the world so they didnt stay trapped in my brain

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3273

i gotta tell ya. i love my job. my new guy coworker and i KILLED IT today. our afternoon actual-employee buddy called out today, so the two of us ran the show on our own! for four hours!!! it was GREAT. we got a car towed and got buildings alarm systems back online and i got to tell some jokes and i'm very pleased with my lot. i find that he and our daytime actual-employee buddy say things that sound one way but as they keep talking it makes it more acceptable. like commenting on how more and more movies are have characters that are, like, one's ethnically ambiguous, one's trans or nonbinary, and one's REALLY gay, and how that's not a combination you usually see. and i got a little defensive, thinking of nimona and knowing HOW GOOD those movies are for representation, and he goes "yeah, that's exactly why it's important" and i'm like "oh good, i can put the knife away."

for legal reasons, that was a joke.

but the day was good. i got more used to using the radio and i realized i need to keep my radios on different sides of me to be able to determine which one goes off.

but today was great. i'm happy. i feel accomplished at the end of a day. not exhausted and drained. pleased. proud of myself.

that shit's fuckin RAD.

anyway, it rained on my way back home, and i think it's raining now. yes. it is in fact raining quite heavily. nice. there's lightning. but we had thai food for dinner at my request and i'm so happy.

i'm just a happy clam. a little broke, but definitely happy.

joel is away again, so i am without my joel. he laughed when he came to bed this morning at 3 and i was sleeping on his pillow. im glad he finds me endearing. he makes me happy.

ALSO! today's CLOAK brand drop was MOTHMAN. and nessie, i'd be remiss not to include nessie, but i am legally obligated to talk about mothman first. i fucking love mothman. the designs they have are SO GOOD and i love the colors of stuff and im DYING i love it. so i told lisa and joel and they bought me stuff 😂 without prompting, like lisa saw it already and got things. joel collaborated with his mom after i texted him. he's like "maybe i'll save something for your birthday" and i laughed.

but all in all today has been a spectacular day and i need to go to sleep.

[theyellowgal]

september 16, 2024

its been so long lmaooo

I've been a busy girl okay y'all. a busy woman :)

been dealing with class, work, stressing, getting annoyed, trying to eat enough. its just a lot of things happening at one time.

I know straight A's in nursing school is kinda crazy and I definitely haven't achieved that thus far, but I really am trying to get as close as possible. we've had 2 exams so far and I got an A on the first one. we took one today though that was farrrr from an A. idk my exact score yet but I know it wasn't an A lol.

girlhood wise....

I wish I was taking more time for myself and self care ya know...ive been struggling to do so lately because school is taking up so much time. but I have 2 weeks to study for my next exam so I'm gonna do my best to study early and not rush during my last week. but while studying I want to add in some time for myself. especially this week.

I also want to have a date night with my bf. I know he'll probably pay buttt I wanna wait until pay day so that I can at least offer to pay yk lol.

I need to get more sleep. I need to wash and retwist my hair. I need to get a wax.

yall

I want a wax so fucking bad omgggg. Ive had the money to do so but like....ugh idk.

speaking of money. I feel like ive been managing it pretty well tbh. I am just now running out of money since my last really paycheck which was over a month ago. still wish I had more so I could do more BUT ive been doing a very good job and im proud of myself. that includes putting money away for my savings and my hospital's version of a 401k. so everyone clap it up for me lmao

anyways im in class right now so im gonna wrap this up :)

I hope you all have an amazing day. eat good food. drink some water. get good rest. take care of yourself.

lmao

I just remembered

my birthday happened and I never said anything about it...

well happy late birthday to me :) it was a good one lmao. some of the pics here are from then

[trans-harlequin]

okay ya know what? At some point, im gonna make a big post relating to this. I should probably let my followers (who for some reason like me, you're making a big fucking mistake) know what's going in my life right now. Here's a sneak peek: I cry myself to sleep every night, my father's physically abused me three times in the last 2 months, and I haven't felt safe or happy since last year. Believe it or not, being called selfish finally triggered me to speak out about this. Because I am selfish. My pursuit of a safe place to live and the ability to be proud of myself have led me into pushing away my father. I should just try and forgive him, because his transphobia and homophobia is probably just because he loves me or something, and i'm likely just escalating this too far. I'm only stressed because I try to have time for myself, and that's my fault. I genuinely should just prioritize school over all of this useless "free time" because none of it makes me fucking happy anyways. Doesn't help that I keep trying to throw myself into one romance after another and I always come out dishevelled and heartbroken. Doesn't help that I don't feel loved, and that all my irl friends don't talk to me anymore, and it doesn't help that people only act nice to me online when I make music for their characters. It's my fault and I just need to keep punching myself and punishing myself until I get the point. Fuck anyone who dares say I'm "being too hard on myself" or something. genuinely FUCK you because i'm FINE and EVERYONE does this. I just need to keep pushing myself because I don't deserve any breaks and i'm not even a good friend so why does it matter if I never feel like I have any huh? why does it matter that making music doesn't make me happy anymore and i dont feel safe anywheer huh??? HUH????? WHY DOES IT FUCKING MATTER HUH??? I"M SICK OF THIs shit i'm honestly going to fucking kill myself it's not like anybody likes me here aside from my stupid fucking deltarune memes

someone remind me to not talk to people again i just end up wanting to actually fucking kill myself because of how much i live up to the "clown" in my username

[thebuttsmcgee]

Happy Pride Month!

[smutty-ki113r]

Hello! Could I please have a nsfw cp matchup?

I go by they/she pronouns and am pan sexual with most experience with/leaning towards men

I have shoulder length light brown hair that’s usually up in some type of braid because it’s easier with my work. I’m more on the small side of the spectrum in like every way possible with my 5’3” self

I’m mostly insecure about my shoulders and my voice cause my shoulders look like they belong to a man and my voice sounds like a small child- it’s very complicated lmao

I work within environmental and conservational science so being outdoors and doing fieldwork are what really make me happy. In my spare time I do help out in my community and rescue animals, I currently have 2 horses, 2 cats, 4 frogs and a lizard so they’re pretty much my biggest soft spot

Weird shit i do is my joints pop out a lot so I have to see a chiropractor every few weeks and get them back in place but in the meantime i just crack them myself so I’ll just like stop in the middle of a store aisle and do a backbend because it hurts. I also have a speech impediment so I tend to not speak that much if I’m not comfortable around people but once I am I do not shut up and sometimes mix up syllables or word placement in a sentence and will not notice unless someone tells me. A fan favorite is “I the lawning was mow”

Mega introvert

I am an aquarius sun with a cancer rising and moon

An ideal date would be to let me take them out to a park or something. I find sitting across from someone and doing a traditional dinner date very nerve racking no matter how close I am with someone so like just let me take you on a hike and don’t complain then I will marry you on the spot. Bonus points if you let me ramble on about different plants and stories about random shit my friends and I have done( kind of like I did in this request, sorry)

NSFW

I don’t know if I’d go as far as to call myself a pillow princess but i’m definitely a sub and i cannot make decisions for my life. Will never be able to take control please tell me what to do or else I will not be able to move. Degrading is hot and I like it but praising is just *chefs kiss* I would die. Could be coerced into a ddlg relationship. I am the type to just hide kinks and never say anything and then you mention it once and suddenly im an interesting person. Jealousy, being protective and bREEDING. Those are my big three let me tell ya anyone who got those immediately hot to me no matter what. Breeding is strangely fun to me

A COMPLIMENT! FOR YOU!!

You are doing so well my friend!! Idk what you do outside of tumblr but I am proud of you! ALSO you’re writing! I love it. It’s hard to find writing like this especially from these fandoms that aren’t written by strange horny children and yours are gold!! Thank you for blessing us with such great thoughts!! 💕

I match you with…..💕EYELESS JACK💕

NSFW bellow~

I think Jack would be a great match for you, similar interests and also good for your personality.

Mega introvert you say? Yes well EJ is quite reserved so you don’t have to worry about too much wacky behavior scaring you off. This man absolutely adores you, thinks you are the center of his world, a breath of fresh air from his messed up life. The braid thing is adorable, I know Jack would spend hours learning to braid just for you. If you take him to a park he will try to weave in flowers into your hair, he’s extremely delicate to not hurt you.

The fact that you rescue animals is like WOW for him, he admires you to another level. Thinks your kindness is unmatched. He knows you are special, he will bring you a lizard as a gift too. Probably takes a liking to the lizard and talks to it when you’re not around, refers to you as ‘mommy’ when talking to it. As if you, Jack and the lizard were a little family. Fucking adorable. “I’m gonna give you a treat but you can’t tell mommy ok?” He says, giving it a cricket, as if the lizard could understand.

He gets so worried about your joints, probably nods disapprovingly. Don’t worry about the dinner date though, he might try that further in the relationship but he dosen’t want you to see him eat another human’s kidneys. He does love to hear you ramble, sits patiently and is invested in what you’re saying. If you apologize he probably say “for what? I like hearing you talk”.

(Side note: Don’t you dare fucking apologize for asking something, there’s nothing to be sorry for, I love getting to know my readers)

For the nsfw, he likes to play around and find out what you like. You say you like jealousy, protectiveness AND breeding? Oh damn you’ve got the right guy. He loves watching his seed just settle in your cunt, does not let you move until it’s made it’s way into your womb. He praises you for taking his big cock so well, even though you squirm he will kiss away your tears and tell you how good you’re doing for him. Just for him.

Hope you liked it! Btw, you are valid, and amazing. THANK YOU! You’re too kind, I love uuuuu. Outside of tumbler I write- other things, more stories. A book, my feelings, and make a shit ton of picrews. I’m so proud of you

[1smolbean]

ok rant (? started out as a rant but descended into chaos) time

no but I find it absolutely fucking hilarious that my parents are like "oh just move on from your trauma" and then don't tell me how to do that, trigger me even when I've told them about my triggers, make me talk to people that trigger me, and make me go to places that trigger me. like...ya think maybe, just maybe, that, idk, I might have trouble moving on from those events if I have to relive them all the time? and I've explained it to them but they just refuse to understand it and they don't understand the word "no" either and I just,,,find this the funniest thing ever cause like they don't fucking understand! they don't! and I've told them but they refuse to! and I'm laughing this is so funny they refuse to understand

I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING I'M SORRY THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE THEY REFUSE TO UNDERSTAND IT AND I,,,,,I JUST JKDJFKDLSJFLDKJFD THEY REFUSE TO GET IT AND THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER THEY REFUSE TO HELP THEIR CHILD LIVE A HAPPY LIFE

what kind of parent does that? a shitty one. they're the most hypocritical people I've ever met cause THEY'VE moved on from their trauma and they respect each other's triggers and my brother's triggers but like,,,not mine and why? CAUSE THEY'RE BAD AT THEIR JOB. THEY'RE BAD PARENTS and I'm literally laughing so hard this is so funny to me and my mother has said before that she is proud of me for not skipping school because she assumed I would but she's proud that I haven't. like,,,,wow okay I literally have no reason whatsoever to skip school though??? why would you assume that? and idk I just find it hilarious that my mother both expects me to get an A+ on every subject and also skip school. like bitch excuse me? that's...HHJFDHSFKHFDSKH THAT'S FUNNY IT'S FUNNY THIS IS FUNNY. I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY THIS IS HILARIOUS TO ME AND I WROTE OUT A WHOLE GODDAMN RANT ABOUT THIS BUT IT'S JUST THREE PARAGRAPHS OF ME BEING LIKE "MY PARENTS' HORRIBLE TREATMENT OF ME IS FUNNY" AND LIKE...IT IS THOUGH!

I feel like Alvar Vacker and Winter Schnee right now. like I just,,,this is so funny but I also want to stab something right now. is this normal? I don't think this is normal. I should talk to a therapist or doctor but I'm my own therapist and everybody else's too and idk it just seems...wrong to burden people with MY problems when they have their own. i should stop telling people when I'm sad, they don't need that. No, no but they care. why do they, though? my parents "care." they yell at me, say I'm not enough, tell me it's hard to take care of me, but they care. I guess. i think they care. caring is bad. caring for someone is bad. i shouldn't...i shouldn't trust people, because trust gets you hurt. and i hate being hurt. and i shouldn't care about people. i shouldn't care. do i even care? did i ever care? yes. but i won't anymore.

I have gone back to wishing I could acquaint a ridgdly edged object fundamentally used in the construction of walls with my biological father's facial structure. (translation: ok nvm I wanna hit my dad in the face with a brick)

maybe if you didn't yell at me i wouldn't listen to music so loudly. father

father (derogatory)

i am going to lie down on the floor and listen to Special Girl by dodie until i die

i'm the eldest daughter but I'm not a daughter i'm a son but my parents don't care

i feel nothing but the crushing weight of responsibility on my shoulders

I believe I need a counselor, or therapist, or- no, I have one already, I'm my own therapist

I can deal with this on my own

hey mother when you look through my tumblr and read this PLEASE GET ME SOME ANTIDEPRESSANTS OR ADHD MEDS IM NOT DOING TOO GOOD

the powerpuff girls reboot script made me speedrun the five stages of grief I hate it so much

cats opening partially closed doors with their FACES is wild and I love it

I want more soda.

everything hurts and I'm dying

Okay so what the hell happened here Nina please get yourself into shape you need to figure out why you did a 180 from being sad to being angry to being sad to being angry and also that gender can fluid you really be switching from "gender is for mortals" to "none gender left boy" with your emotions too

this picture of Winter Schnee perfectly encapsulates my mood right now

im in pain everybody! were in pain! specifically in my chest! what the hell is happening with my lungs

nevermind we're good now

YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HURT THE WAY YOU KNOW THAT I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I FEEL LIKE I'LL BE OKAY AND I HOPE I CAN JUST MAINTAIN IT I WILL NOT LET MYSELF BECOME MY PROBLEM

AND I'M JUST WAITING FOR THE DAY YOU SAVE ME FROM MYSELF 'CAUSE I CAN'T HELP THE WAY I FEEL FOR YOU FOR YOU

AND WRITE IN EVERY SPACE THE WORDS "I LOVE YOU" IN REPLACE THEN MAYBE TIME WOULD NOT ERASE MEEEEE IF YOU COULD ONLY KNOW I'D NEVER LET YOU GOOOO AND THE WORDS I MOST REGRET ARE THE ONES I NEVER MEANT TO LEEEEEEAAAAVEEEEEEEE UNSAID EMILYYYYYYYYYY

*muffled sobbing*

it's projecting onto fictional characters with trauma hours everybody

DO OR DIE YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME BECAUSE THE WORLD WILL NEVER TAKE MY HEART GO AND TRY YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME WE WANT IT ALL WE WANNA PLAY THIS PARY I WON'T EXPLAIN OR SAY I'M SORRY I'M UNASHAMED I'M GONNA SHOE MY SCARS GIVE A CHEAR FOR ALL THE BROKEN LISTEN HERE BECAUSE IT'S WHO WE ARE

hey remember that "fuck therapy I'm becoming a knight" post I spam reblogged yeah that's my current mood rn

anyway that concludes round one of my annual mental breakdown don't worry I'll be back in approximately five minutes after drinking an entire bottle of soda

[seedleaflesssapling]

Ver 2.0? Turning Point?

I can't really identify to which point in my life that i started to doubt myself but im pretty sure that it was because of UP. Damn, that school, my uni. It do really have the ability to make you feel small; i was in a disadvantaged side when i entered it, you know. I was acquainted, no we did not really talked one-on-one, but i heard when we did introductions - Pisay, UP High, science comprehensive schools, Xavier University, who wouldn't be intimidated by that when you came from Col. Ruperto Abellon National School (who would know where that is? I was lucky enough for a teacher recognized it and my classmates be like 'ahhhhhh,' .....really?! I dont even know where xavier is, it just sounds cool). Another thing is that, i wasn't a stem shs graduate - a leverage(?) or excuse (?) that i always use for them to know that i am at disadvantaged side here, not their competitor, probably a NOBODY. They, being stem graduates, have capstone projects you never thought that they have at that age, but i would hear them saying that it was publish in this journal (whatever, idk the journals lmao, i dont even understand their studies 2nd lmao, but that was some smart shit you know, a shit that makes me feel pathetic for being too proud of my what? Correlational study from inconsistent surveys?!!! Wtf, wtf, wtf). But it was a very good peer pressure you know, i kinda turned it that way. Being left behind, being on the rock bottom, i have no other place to go but up. It wasn't the goal, like making or taking the top spot, i just need to survive.

Inevitably, the exams came. I had hard time adjusting chem but math was kind to me. Who would have thought that i would get two 1.0 at my math subjects for the first semester, the sem that i thought i would barely pass. I was even a CS for that sem. Who would have thought? Our first chemical engineering subject that involves computations was on the list the next semester and the first exam, out of 100 i got something like 20ish. WTF. THAT WAS MY FIRST FAILED EXAM. but no, never did cry but tears were flooding inside. So apparently, i have to focus more on this subject and i did. Some were still failing, but i raised my average up. We also had physics, my first ever physics. I really love physics that time or that sir rommel is just a very good professor. I got the highest score on our second LE, everybody else did fail. Small victories. Not that they lose, but i just won. But i heard one time they were talking about me re: passing the physics exam and even getting a high score. They were uhm.. a guy i really look up to cause his good, the other was a girl that idk but i think she didn't like me back then. They were friends but eventually the girl transferred uni because who cares why. i heard the guy saying something like sin.o gid na si franklin nga taas iya score man, maybe even worse than that, i still look up to the guy even until now. But wtf. I really took it in that time, like i wanted to cry but did not. With all that, i got a fair grade at physics. I still got 1.0 at maths that sem and even maintained being on the CS list. S M I L E. BECAUSE WE HAVE A MIDYEAR CLASS. VERY EXHAUSTING FOR SOMEONE WHO DONT WANT ANYTHING BUT JUST ADJUST, SURVIVE, AND FIND MEANING OF BEING A UP STUDENT. It was just one subject and it was math, but i got 2.0?!!! I have no excuse to that, i am very grateful for the family who accommodated me. After midyear class, i did got sick, it sucks, really sucks. I wanted to file an LOA for the next academic year, it is the only thing i can think of for me to go back on track (i haven't said that my parents pushed me to graduate with latin honor and i wanted to also for my resume to look good because everything else in me is effed up). I really wanted to pause and be free for a while but i also wanted to graduate on time (mostly because i want to give the bitches who dared to have expectations be put on my shoulders not the satisfaction, but the audacity to tell them 'i aint did it for ya') so i asked mama. THANK GOD, SHE DID SAY NA KUNG ANO LANG KAYA MO, AMO LANG DA IH 😭😭🤧🤧 so i enrolled, but went to school late, haven't attended the school opening but all is good. I did kind of reset, just enough for me to face school again.

Second year, it was fucked. I did really love coding on octave and doing sheets at ms excel though. On that year, we have formed the che 103 bagsak group. Together with two of my classmates on 103 and math 55, we became buddies after failing che 103 on the first LE, another 30 over 100 exam hahahahaha. We made bawi just enough for us to pass the subject hahahahahuhu. I have thermodynamics sub, i barely pass. Thank G na wala ko nag removal. If ever i did, i am so sure that i wont make it. My GWA for that sem was not enough for me to be a CS. Who cares? I still did, actually but mama was never been too pushy since then, even since after midyear, after getting that 2.0 grade from the only subject i am good at. Btw, my math 55 for first sem, second year, was 1.25. Not a 1.0 but still, it's good. Second semester that year was when pandemic hit so there's nothing much to tell. I was, sorry but i was really, glad to be away from school for a while, not until for a while became forever. Virtual university set-up was very hard. With too much from taking in whatever i see and hear on my surroundings, even just at home, everything is difficult. It is very hard to find motivation and discipline in studying when i was surrounded with people who do nothing. Even to this point i am writing, everyday is like a battle, but is mostly an internal one. Self vs self, a war no one knows who will win. So the confidence, the tower of knowledge i did build, exponentially went down. I did really well when i was in grade 10, i did my best that time and it can be seen at the achievements i had that year. Being consistently on top 1 the whole year, placing second on division MMC (even getting the highest score on the written elimination round for the whole cluster), doing well sa physics under maam andico, placings on cluster journalism competitions - it was like a record best, best record (?) Whatever. But it wasn't enough you know, i eventually came fourth like wtf. I had read from somewhere Newton saying like the two years when he did write the three laws of motion and the calculus stuff were the two best years of his life, and it kept me thinking that what if mine already passed? That it was when i was in high school?

But, back when i was in school, every time that i was belittling myself or even at random times that i would feel nervous for nothing, my classmates and close friends would say na:

Uno mo man ang Math, uno mo na na (it was a one or two time thing, what if chamba lang to???)

Ikaw man highest sa first le sa thermo (it was really an absolutely one time thing, i barely passed that sub)

Alam ka man sa physics (i was just invested on physics and maybe nachambahan lang na ang ginpractice ko solve kay parallel sa exam ni sir)

Alam ka, d ka lang confident (OKAY???!)

I was ignoring those shit cause who cares if i did really good that time. Yeah, it felt good but it wasn't fulfilling. Satisfied but not happy. But with recent events, i think i would be changing. This post will be a written contract that i will push to be better, to start trusting myself, and build that confidence glow behind me; to believe that i am bright and i can hack it, whatever it may be.

For coherence, i would itemize na lang all of the events that brought me to epiphany lol

It was Friday, 17 Sep, when Dean, in our plant design subject, gave an activity for us - to come up with solutions that would address problems he presented. 1 off grid island community (either you address the water, electricity, and phone reception/signal problem under a 100k budget) and 2 vinegar packaging with a 500 mL volume and should cost less than the cost of vinegar. The due's on Monday, 20 Sep. The challenge is that you should come up with an idea that is not the same with those who already turned in their proposed solutions. I haven't turned in mine until Sunday afternoon. We are 23 in class, hence there should be 23 proposed solutions for each problem. However, only 20 or 21 turned in their solutions and as a student who decided to do it three days after the sheet was given, i was at the second to the last of the entries hahaha. I have limited choice since a lot have been proposed. And ngl, i did entered my idea for the first problem at Sunday evening and for the second problem it was on the afternoon of the next day. Those were basic solutions cause who am I? Am just your basic guy.

Tuesday, 21 Sep (#NeverForget #NeverAgain), class again for plant design (PD). Dean discussed stuffs which im ngl, i did not listen because im bored (not until he said 'we'll have a 5-min break and we'll have a quiz after that' like wtf, how will we do our quiz???!). After the short break, I did study cause i panicked as hell, he presented the prospects of the course, that we will be divided in groups and that the leaders were chosen based on the solutions they turned in the activity previously given. So there's no quiz, i was calm the whole time after that until my name was called. Like wtf??! Your basic guy will be a leader???! Hello!!! So i chat people, asked them if it was a good thing (course it was!!!? So dumb right?!). And then, i asked another leader and she agreed to my argument that we should only be divided into six instead of seven as what dean has decided. So i chatted dean (pic below). I just accepted the role half-heartedly.

As leaders, we should be hiring people for our team and we should make pubs. I dont have a canva account to help me do pubs. I made mine at MS ppt HAHAHAHAHAHA but im good so its cute. We were assigned with projects and i get to have the 4-member team. The vacant roles were project maven and liaison officer for a 3-member team. In my pubs, i included scrummaster as position to be filled, cause who am i to lead?! So yeah, that's it. I did the pubs Wednesday and I submitted my resume Thursday (third to the last hahahaha but my resume's cute hahaha).

Thursday. So i had this invite by a classmate to join the Shell event long time ago. He was reaching out for someone to ask Dean for his approval because Dean did not replied to the email he sent. So, i volunteered. I really want this competition cause this will be my first and maybe last competition as a UP student. So i DMed dean and blah blah blah he asked for selection process. I relayed the message and apologize to them for being me because i was thinking that it was me who made him come up with the decision of having the team be selected. Like, wtf i was just asking for his approval. Getting kicked out of the team was not my intention. Those whom i chatted that night were telling me that it wasn't my fault blah blah blah. So i half-heartedly agreed to them.

Friday came, yesterday, the interview. I am very anxious for someone who will be the one asking the applicants lmao. I already have been interviewed before for college applications and somehow remember the feeling, nerve wracking, whatever. To calm my nerves, i listed questions which i never got to ask properly btw, but at least i have concrete ideas on what to ask. The first interviewee was my very closed friend and so we just laugh and laugh and laugh HAHAHAHAHA. IDK if dean saw it but who cares. And the next and next and next. 3:30 passed by fast and guess what??? YOUR BASIC GUY HAS THE MOST NUMBER OF APPLICANTS TO THE POINT THAT DEAN CUT MY LIST. IT WAS EXHAUSTING BUT VERY FLATTERING. I FEEL SO HONORED. i really thought and very scared at the thought that no one will apply to me but wtf, just wtf. Ranking my applicants was damn hard. 1 i have a dream team but one was cut by dean; 2 this could make my friends mad; 3 this will be the group for the whole year; 4 i am really exhausted. But still, i submitted the list. I was hoping for the people i chose to choose me back. Only two out of three did, i am forever grateful.

Still on Friday, the classmate who invited me to the Shell thing and Dean had a zoom call and discussed about the competition. That classmate told dean what i told him the other day that i might be the reason for the decision of having the selection process done. He told me this through a voice memo, katamad daw magtype. A voice message that i played over and over again. Dean actually find me interesting (?), Invested (?) Idk exactly but the classmate told me na 'may nakikita daw talaga sya sayo. Na grabe ka ka-practical as a person like yung ideas mo daw sa plant design napakasimple lang pero napaka practical to the point daw na madami nag apply sayo kanina. And then, you need more confidence lang daw talaga' so ig, you basic guy is a practical guy now. It's just flattering.

Now, whatever happens, i must meet those expectations right? This could be a lousy motivation but what is if there's none? I dont know why im writing this. I just thought i should get my thoughts out. Ver 2.0? Turning point? Let's just do good 😌

PS I put this on my bio on FB, guess im getting more public, and if you happened to read this because you saw the link on my bio, send me a message about you thoughts.

PPS if your initials are JTZC, these have been my week and i miss you even though you're not interested in me anymore, you are hard to forget

[mel-street]

hi guys!  happy new year and here’s hoping that 2021 is a better year for all of us. during quarantine i did what a lot of you guys did and turned to social media sites and fanfiction. (the amount of fanfiction i’ve read this year is INSANE and we’re not going to talk about it)

my usually nerdy self immersed myself into fandoms and along the way i met some of the most important people in my life now. these people have taken me in, broken me (im dramatic kay deal with it), and been there to huggle me when i cried over random shit. so this is for you guys. these are for all the internet weirdos that my teachers and parents warned me about, but that i ended up being closer to than some of my irl friends. these are for the people who have influenced me and shaped me into the weird fangirl stabby bad boi simp that i am starting into 2021 (im aware that this entire thing makes no sense but just pretend that it does)

@ohh-deary-me RAVEN (ok that was weird to call you, but im not going to name reveal you for a third time so yee)  aksdjflkdsjfd i love you way to much. we first met on a pintrest group chat for some project thingy on wattpad and ended up fighting over tom holland which says something about both of us. you’re so incredibly amazing and im so proud of us for how much we’ve grown and you’re amazing, and a literal copy of me which is scary, but you’re so amazing and beautiful and i love you so fucking much and i’ll never leave you <3

@wildfleur-dreams DOT! you’re my huggable smol bean sister whom i love with all my heart and one day i will meet you and i will hug you and pat you on your smol head even though we’re pretty much the same height oop-. you’ve been there for me ever since i told you to read my my shitty grishaverse fanfiction and commented on it. and i love you so so so much *huggles* <33

@asterani sdfjasf raffe. you’re literally the sweetest human bean in the world. i love talking to you about random shit and thirsting over disney characters. asdkfjsd you’re so amazing and i hope you know that *Huggles* also hehe im glad you like the mandalorian. we need to fangirl together sometime. i love youu.

@doublerainbowsss NOMI!! my bts obsessed older sister by like 6 days. you’re so incredibly talented and funny and amazing and sometimes im immensely concerned for your mental health but that’s only because i love you lmao :) thank you for always being there for me and thank you for making my little sister into a bts stan *serene smile* im not mad about that at all- ily hon

@brekkerstan *waves* hiiii. i love how we bonded over some completely random grishaverse post and then ended up writing some completely crack headcannons. you’re so sweet and im so glad that you messaged me a few months ago. thank you for always being there for me and always fangirling about six of crows with me (except there’s like a huge time difference between us and you’re always messaging me at like 2 in the morning and you need to SLEEP) <33

@sincerely-milli MILLI BBY. i knew you for a while on wattpad, but it wasn’t until we both got tumblrs and both got way to obsessed with vlv that we became close. you're the most amazing beautiful talented human to ever exist and i love freaking out about mechfall with you. ily <3

@nostalgiconism IKKKA. i’ve known you for a while on wp, but i just wanted to tell you that im so grateful for you. you were one of the first people i ever followed and one of my first online friends and you’re literally so sweet and idk what i’d do without you. ily

@illavarasi KIRI!! ok imma be honest i was completely intimidated by you when i first met you, but now i know you as an amazing chaotic bean/clown/hooman and i love you for that. thanks for always being there and always making me laugh. ily

@lochscinders hey cece. im sorry you had to put up with my dramatic ass for so long. thanks for ruining every single disney movie for me in one night while we both wheezed hysterically. that was possibly the most iconic and scarring moments of 2020. thanks for putting up with me thirsting over stabby bad bois and my endless spamming of anakin gifs. love ya <3

@mintyvolt ok this is the most talented human in the world. like seriously volt i don’t understand how you manage to juggle school and other stuff while writing and posting incredible vlv chapters every week. because of you i’ve cried over a certain golden boi’s death, shipped my murder beans to an uncomfortable extent and fallen in love with a murder. (i swear im still writing that melfall fanfic i just happened to forget about it) thanks for being so amazing and creating vlv. you’re going to be famous one day and then i’ll be able to brag that i knew you then. ily

@rosy-drxxmer KIRI. im so glad you’re reading soc lmao. i’ve known you for a while, but thank you for always being there for me and continuously spamming me with six of crows memes and edits. i love freaking out and fangirling over kanej and the grishaverse here’s to another year of fangirling. ily kay? you’re amazing and beautiful and talented and deserve the world.

@sitaarein hi isha yeah idk which blog you use anymore but imma just tag this one. you were friends with some of my closest friends a while ago and then you left wp for a while and i didn’t know what happened to you. we all moved to tumblr and i found you and im so happy we started talking. you’re so amazingly talented and have somehow managed to teach me how to use photopea (which btw is pronounced photo-pe-a) so thanks for that. keep being amazing <3

and lastly @YOU if you’re reading this

thank you to all my followers who followed me for some random fandom and then had to put up with me spamming you with something completely different from what you followed me for. i really appreciate all of you *hugs* i hope your 2021 is amazing.

aksjfksd i l love all of you guys so much. HAPPY NEW YEAR I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD YEAR (or at least a year better than this one)

[samthemarvelfan]

One Last Time (Part 2 of 2)

Summary: ModernAU! Mini Series! With her best friend’s wedding around the corner, Ella Monroe is bound to run into people from her past. While she may have left her old life behind, it seems as though her heart hasn’t.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC, feat: Wanda Maximoff, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Sam Wilson

Warnings: Swearing, heavy angst, infidelity, mentions of drinking, implied smut.

A/N: Part Two is here! (It’s long and im sorry lol) This idea was so much fun to write! Thank you as always for all the love on Part One, I’m so honored you’re reading my work! Buckle up, y’all. You’re in for quite the ride. <3 (taglist is still open, just send an ask!)

Taglist: @iheartsebastianstan @jjlizz @stuckysbabe @sk493494 @lefoutoir @nickangel13 @marvelismysafezone @lilulo-12 @warmvanillafeels @star-spangled-beard-burn @ravenesque @pinknerdpanda @wintersoldierissucharide @snapcapquartet @ellen-reincarnated1967 @unlistedpond @my-drowning-in-time @supernaturalwintersoldier @kimvmarvel @roseboho @disaffectedbarnes​ (strikethrough means the tag didn’t work! I’m sorry!)

“I was wondering how long you were gonna avoid me.”

Your breathe caught in your throat. Suddenly, it felt like ice water was rushing down your spine.

You couldn’t think—couldn’t move. You had to will your brain to function again.

“What exactly makes you think you’re worth me avoiding?” You hissed.

Bucky’s voice was ingrained into your memory—you’d know it anywhere. The biggest crowds or the largest rooms, you could pick out his tone.

He let out a small chuckle. “It’s good to see you, Els.”

He was sat in a shadowed part of the patio, it’s no wonder you didn’t see him when you came out.

You scoffed, “Is it? Wish I could say the same there, buddy.”

The shock of seeing him had faded; how were you this composed? You’d always thought you’d be putty in his hands if you ever saw him again.

Turns out your backbone was made of fucking steel.

Bucky stood, gripping onto what you assumed was bourbon—his go-to drink.

On the rocks, three fingers high. You thought, hating yourself for remembering.

When he stepped into the light, it was clear why your backbone had been strong; you hadn’t seen his face yet.

You’d be a liar if you said he looked bad. He was still handsome as ever. He had a bit of a beard now, the stubble of one at least, and his hair was shorter thank you’d ever seen it.

“Wanda said you asked if I was here.” You crossed your arms, shielding yourself from him.

He nodded, taking a sip of his drink. “I did.”

You waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. The only sound between the two of you was the ice clinking against his glass.

“You gonna tell me why?” You sneered.

Bucky smiled and shook his head. “Just curious, Els. Just curious.”

Why is he smiling? What the fuck does he have to smile about?

“Right, I’m sure curiosity is what made you hide out here. Alone.”

He finished his drink with one final toss, “Actually, I was with Steve, but he said he was grabbing drinks for you guys, so...figured I didn’t wanna intrude.”

Your arms fell to your sides, “Intrude?” You asked.

Bucky nodded, “Yeah. On your date. Personally, I don’t see it, but if he’s what you’re into now-a-days, then...” he drifted off.

Your blood began to boil. “What I’m into?” You echoed. “I’m not here with Steve, James. Even if I was, I don’t think that’s any of your fucking business.”

His eyes widened, confidence drained from his face. “No, no, Els I didn’t mean—“

“And another thing, what makes you think you have even the smallest right to make that comment? Or any comment! It’s been 5 years, James!” You’d shouted, grateful for the music bumping inside.

Bucky scrubbed a hand down his beard, “I know, I know...shit. This isn’t how I wanted this to go.”

“This?” You asked, “There is no this. Hasn’t been for a long time, you made sure of that.”

When he didn’t reply, you scoffed, rolling your eyes.

“Ya know what? You’re not worth the aggravation. I’ve been there with you and there’s nothing good in it for me.” You start heading towards the doors to go back inside.

“Enjoy the wedding, James.” You say without looking at him.

Your hand touches the door, when he calls out to you. “Ella?”

Your gaze is returned to him once more.

“Y-you look beautiful, Doll.” He says.

You, on the other hand, don’t say anything.

Once your back inside, you find Wanda and Sam and Steve and finish the rest of your night in the company of your friends.

All while wondering if that crack you heard in Bucky’s voice was real or not.

“Vomit. I’m going to vomit.” Wanda said, fanning herself.

You rushed back to her with a glass of cold water. “Oh no you’re not, not in this dress and that makeup. I won’t allow it.”

She sipped the cold drink, “I’m starting to regret having no one up there with me.”

You adjusted her veil, primping the last bit you could. “No shit.” You joked.

She let out a long breathe, and then inhaled deeply. “I’m getting married. God, this is crazy.”

You smiled softly, “It’s not crazy. No one, and I mean no one deserves this more than you.”

Wanda’s eyes landed gently on yours, “You do.”

You sat with that for a moment. Your best friend is standing here, minutes before she walks down the isle, trying to get you to understand that you are worthy of love, and that you deserve your happy ending.

“I love you, Wan.” You choked out. “But if you make me cry I’m gonna kick you ass.”

You both laughed out your nerves. “Whew...okay, distract me. I can’t sit here for 10 more minutes in silence.”

You waited a moment, thinking on what to say, before you blurred out what was weighing most on your mind.

“I saw Bucky last night.” You whispered.

Wanda eyes expanded, “What? You didn’t tell me!”

You roll your eyes at her dramatics, “There’s nothing to tell, Wan.”

“Well what did he say?!” She prodded.

You recounted the small interaction to her. Her face making the funniest expressions with each added detail.

“Then he said ‘this isn’t how I wanted this to go’...whatever that means.” You said, handing her her bouquet.

“Anything else happen?” God damn this girl could read you like a book.

You cleared your throat. “I was uh, I was walking back inside and he stopped me and said ‘you look beautiful, doll’...”

Her jaw dropped, “He so wants you back.”

You laughed. Genuinely laughed. “Wanda, you’re psychotic.”

She slapped your shoulder, “Am not! He obviously regrets what he did and how things ended. Maybe he wanted to use this weekend to apologize?”

You shook your head subtly, slipping your heels back on. “James Barnes does not apologize.” You stated flatly.

5 Years Earlier, before the breakup.

“Buck, please stop.” You whispered to him.

He was being brash, loud, and boisterous at the very first work event you’d been invited too.

Oh yeah, and he was piss drunk off of the open bar.

“Stop what? I’m just telling stories, Doll.” He said, louder than he realized.

You colleagues all gave you looks of pity. Your boss Pepper was watching you with a curious eye, not judging, just taking in your interaction.

That was somehow worse.

“Bucky, please...everyone is looking at you. This is my job. You’re—“

“I’m what, Els?” He slurs loudly.

Your feel the blood rush to your face. “James...” you warn.

“What is it? Am I embarrassing you? I’m not fancy enough to hang out with your work pals, is that it?” His words are laced with venom. How long had he been feeling like this?

Your face softened looking at your boyfriend. About to speak, you notice Pepper making her way through the crowd.

You panic, “Alright, time to go.” Quickly, you grab Bucky’s hand and yank him toward the door.

You don’t stop walking until you’re a safe distance away from the building where the conference was being held.

“What is the matter with you?!” You shout unable to keep composure any longer.

Bucky’s face is stoic, and unfazed by your outburst.

“I was trying to have fun, but those uptight douchebags wouldn’t know fun if it—“

“I work with those people, James! My boss was watching you make an ass of yourself the whole time!” You can’t help the anger settling in your bones.

He scoffed, “So you are embarrassed of me. Noted.” He said walking past you.

But he paused, turning on his heel to take a few steps back to you. “Ya know what, Els? I didn’t have a fancy education and I don’t have a big, cushy job. I’m just an average fucking guy. I can’t fit in with these people, I don’t belong with those people.”

You cross your arms. Have you really become this couple? Fighting on the streets of Manhattan in the freezing cold?

“Have I ever asked you to be someone else? I invited you because my Boss told everyone to bring their spouses.” You take a step toward him.

Bucky sighed, running his hands down his face. “We’re just...two different people, Ella.”

All at once it feels like the winds been knocked out of you.

“Yeah. Yeah we are. But unlike you, I don’t see you the way you do. I see a hardworking man. A guy who has taken care of everyone else his whole life, and who deserves to have someone finally take care of him. I see a man who takes pride in his work and enjoys what he does. I see a guy who pays his bills on time, and who always manages to surprise me with even the smallest of gestures. I see the man I love, James.”

You were crying. How long had he felt so inadequate? It broke your heart to think he didn’t feel as important as he was to you.

“I can’t help my job. I can’t help my education. But don’t you dare throw those things in my face. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am, and I’m damn proud of myself for it.

He watched you for a moment, his jaw clenched tightly. Bucky shoved his hands in his pocket before hanging his head low. “I’m...I don’t know what to say.”

Damn his pride. You thought to yourself.

You reached out to him, cupping his cheek in your hand. “I know. It’s okay.”

He kissed your palm, before pulling you into him. “I’m not good enough. I know I’m not. Not for you.”

Bucky kissed your forehead, and for some reason, you weren’t sure why, it felt like he was saying goodbye.

The wedding was beautiful. Not a dry eye in the house—certainly not from you.

“Nat was a blubbering mess.” Sam jested.

“Excuse me for being over-emotional!” She said gesturing pointedly at her stomach.

You laughed, “I cried too, Nat, don’t worry.”

“Hey, got your table cards, guys.” Steve said, walking over to the three of you.

“Thank you,” you said with a smile, “She seat us together?”

He nodded, “Sure did, thank goodness.” Steve smiled, handing you your card.

“I need to go sit and eat and eat some more—in that order.” Nat said.

You walked to the beautifully set circular table, walking around to find what seat your place card was on. That’s when you noticed the fifth seat at the table.

“Who else is seared with us?” Sam asks.

Picking up the seat card between your seat and Steve’s, you felt you stomach do a back flip.

“Is that my seat?” A voice asked, approaching you from behind.

Not a voice. His voice.

You spin to see him. Bucky. Standing there with a sheepish grin on his face.

Practically throwing the place card down, you swiftly take your seat. “Looks like it.”

Wanda, I’m going to kill you. You think to yourself.

Bucky said his hello’s to everyone, taking his seat. “I didn’t know about this, I swear.” He whispers to you.

“It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Just...don’t talk to me.” You whisper harshly.

From the corner of your eye, you can see the defeat on his face as he sinks back into his chair. Since when does he have feelings?

You perk up at the clinking of a fork against a crystal glass. “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen? We’re going to have a few words from the Bride and Groom before dinner is served.” Wanda’s brother announced.

Vis went first. He spoke about how he and Wanda had met, and how quickly he fell in love with her. He spoke about what he loved about her in more detail than I’d ever heard some describing anything.

He loved her. He was in love with her.

It warmed your heart to see how safe and happy your friends heart was. A soft smile landed on your lips as you watching Wanda stand and join Vis to speak.

“You ever want something like this?” Bucky whispered to you as their speeches continued.

You glance at him quickly, shocked at the ease in which he spoke to you. His face was gentle, his eyes seeming desperate for an answer.

“What, a wedding? Sure I did.” You said earnestly.

He paused for a moment, clearly nervous to speak again. “D-Did you ever want it with me?”

You hesitated. Why is he asking you this here, now? Was Wanda right? Was this all a big plan to apologize?

You sighed, turning away from him slightly. “You were my everything at one point, Buck. Future included.”

You wondered if that sentence had hurt him the way it hurt you.

Wanda continued her speech. What she was saying you weren’t sure, your mind was exactly where you didn’t want it.

With Bucky.

Despite your back being to him, you felt his stare. The heat coming off of his body, ironically enough, made you shiver.

“Ella...” his voice strained from behind you.

You did a half turn to see his face. His eyes were watery with tears, and his jaw was locked. “Can I—can we talk? Please.” He begged.

You don’t know how it happened. Maybe it was the sincerity in his tone, or the loss of hope in his eyes, but before you know it, you’re following him out to the hallway, into an empty stair well.

“I just wanna talk, I promise.” He confesses.

You roll your eyes, “You said that already, James.”

Bucky groans. “For Christ’s sake, will you stop calling me that?”

A scoff passed your lips, “It’s your name. If you’d like, I’m sure I can come up with some other things to call you.” You quipped.

He stood still finally, “It makes it sound like we’re fucking strangers, Ella .”

“That’s because we are!” You shout. “It’s been five years, probably more since I’ve seen you, let alone spoken to you. You don’t know me anymore, and I’m fairly certain I never actually knew you.”

The feeling of your heart beating out of your chest took over. You were allowing yourself to feel for the first time in all these years. All the hurt and the pain and the rage he’d caused your heart was being laid bare.

“Yes you did. You were the only one who ever saw the real me.” He said somberly.

You scoffed, “Good to know. The real you is a cheater and a liar. Noted.”

He groaned furiously, “No! For fucks sake that’s not what I meant.”

You watched the struggle happening within him. Bucky was never a “good talker” as he used to say, that’s why he always wrote letters. It was obvious he was trying to piece together some kind of coherent thought.

“Just say what you wanted to say, James.” You urge him, crossing your arms.

He shook his head. “I’m not...fuck, I’m still not good at this. You’d think I would have learned how to fucking apologize by now.”

Your breathing hitched, “What did you say?”

He sighed, “I’m taking a really long time to...just fucking say...I’m sorry. God, I’m so fucking sorry for what I did to you.”

Suddenly ice water was coursing through your veins. He said sorry. James Barnes said he was sorry.

You couldn’t speak, and even if you could, what would you say?

His voice was shaking as he spoke, “I was so fucking selfish and blinded by my own insecurities, that I let it ruin the best thing in my life. You were...God, you were everything I could have ever wanted.” He smiled, presumably getting lost in his memories of the two of you.

He stepped closer to you, and to your surprise, you didn’t back away. “But just cause I wanted you doesn’t mean I deserved you, and I guess deep down I knew that. Hell, I wanted to break up after that disaster at your office party. Remember that? That’s when I knew if we stayed together, I’d just drag you down with me.”

His words broke—re-broke your heart. The tears stinging your eye were begging to be shed. But Bucky was speaking without hesitation now, so you let him.

“I tried, Doll. I tried so many fucking times to be a man and end it. But then you’d come home after a long day and look so fucking happy to see me,” his voice cracked with emotion, “and I couldn’t do it. You were so perfect, and so good to me. I was a selfish prick who wanted to soak you in a little more before I knew I’d have to push you away.”

“You had no right to make that decision!” You sobbed.

Bucky reached out and wiped your tears off your cheeks. Why don’t you push him away?

“Honey, I was a broken, immature boy pretending to be the man you deserved...” a tear fell down his cheek as well.

You finally pushed him back, wiping your own eyes. “So you decide to fuck another girl in our bed? That was your great plan to push me away? How about be honest, Bucky!”

He stood there, taking his verbal beating. “You could’ve told me how you were feeling. I would have told you how ridiculous that was--how much I fucking loved you! How I would have helped you in any way you needed me too. But you decided to fucking kill me instead. You broke me, Bucky. The life we had wasn’t perfect, but it was ours.”

He scrubbed his face with his hands, sniffling when he shoved them back in his pockets. ��I know. I know what I did. I see your face every God damn day of my life. That look on your face when you saw that girl in our house.”

You bit your lip, the painful memories of that day making your stomach churn.

“I never slept with her, though.” Bucky says plainly.

You scoff, “and here I thought for one we were finally being totally honest with each other.”

He put a hand over his heart. “On my life, Doll. I didn’t. Had I planned too? Yeah. But you came home that afternoon and thankfully I never did.”

“James...” you scold, “I saw her! She was pretty much naked in our bedroom!”

He nods, “She had gone to the bathroom to look for the condoms I hid in there. She couldn’t find them though, that’s when she walked out and you walked in.”

As you pieced together his story, your eyes flitted from side to side. “So..so you never cheated, you just intended too. But you never actually slept with someone else.” These were questions from you. They were statements. You were trying to make sense of all of this.

“Not that it makes any of what happened better, but I was gonna tell her to leave as soon as she came outta the bathroom. Honestly? I couldn’t get it up at all.” He jokes to ease the moment.

“Buck...” you chided

“I’m serious! I felt so fucking guilty, Els. I couldn’t do it. Besides she...” he drifted off.

“She what, Buck?”

His cerulean eyes met you for the first time. “She wasn’t you, Baby.”

Baby.

He’d called you that so many times. This time it felt different, it felt familiar. It felt right.

You shook your head, “Stop it, James.” Your lips quivered as you spoke.

He refused, “No. I lost you once, because of my own arrogance and stupidity, I’m not gonna do it again. Do you know how many times I wanted to write you? I have so many letters written, all of them unsent because I knew you’d never wanna see me again.”

He’d written you? He’d thought about you? All these years and you’d thought he’d forgotten you.

“I’ve loved you...what seems like my whole life, Els.”

You sniffled, “So what do you expect? Us to fall into each other’s arms and pretend like the last five years didn’t happen?”

He shook is head. “Of course not. I don’t even know what I was hoping for, really. I just needed you to know the truth, and for you to know how deeply and wholly sorry I am.”

In an instant, the world had changed. You were no longer holding onto the bitterness that had seeded itself into your heart. You’d seen Bucky in a new light, granted not a flattering one, but a true one.

One that showed he wasn’t the heartless monster you’d been believing he was for years.

“I forgive you.” You choked out.

A muffled sob snuck past his lips. “C-Can I hug you?” He asked timidly.

You hesitated, but eventually nod. In an instant, Bucky’s arms are enveloping you. His warm chest comforting your shaking body.

He held you for what felt like hours, inhaling your scent, and caressing you’re back.

But you didn’t mind.

It felt good to be held again, and to be held by Bucky felt familiar.

He pulled away slightly, to look at your face. His eyes roamed over every detail, like he was afraid he’d forget something if he’d never see you again.

“Buck.” You practically whisper.

He smiled, “I can’t kiss you...right?”

You bit your lip. “No...no. Definitely not. Right?” You reply weakly.

He stepped back, “Yeah, that’s...that’d be too much.”

You smoothed you’re dress down, and tucked some hair behind your ear. “Exactly. Yeah.”

“We should get back out there anyway. I have a feeling we’re missing that very expensive dinner.” He laughed.

You smiled softly, “Don’t wanna miss that.” You jest.

Bucky let you walk in front of him, leading the way.

You grasp the door handle, but before you can swing it open, Bucky grabs your hand and twirls your body into his.

Without missing a beat, his lips are on yours before you even have time to think. Like second nature, you melt under his touch.

Mouths moving with a remembrance and familiarity that you hadn’t felt in forever. Hands searching for changes in each other’s bodies—there were none.

“Bucky. Buck...stop. Stop.” You moaned.

He did as he was asked, “What—what’s wrong?” He breathed into you.

“We can’t do this...not here.”

He pulled back, hesitantly, but he does. “You’re right. Shit, I’m sorry.”

You laugh, “Don’t be. We just...we can’t just jump back into things like that. We gotta get to know each other again. Okay?”

He smiled whole heartedly. “Really?”

You nod. “Just...don’t make me regret this, Bucky. Please.”

Bucky grabbed your hand, bringing it to his mouth. He placed a chaste kiss on your palm, before closing it and returning it to your heart. “I promise you, Ella. I promise I’ll make this right.”

And you believe him.

Is it against your better judgement? Maybe. But you know the old saying, ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...”

As you walked back to the reception with him, you saw Bucky with new eyes. You no longer looked at him with disdain and malice, but instead, you saw hope.

Hope for not only your future and his, but hope for one you can build together.

In the end that’s all you wanted, something that everyone in your life seemed to have and believe you deserved.

A happy ending.

Part One

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

[selfcareparker]

LMAOO I WAS GONNA BRING UP FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLIDER BUT I WASNT SURE IF YOU WERE WATCHING IT HSKAJ (are you liking it? i know it’s only the first episode but ya know, another one tomorrow night- well tomorrow night for me, and did you like wandavision?? i loved it!!)

oh my goodness i’m watching lion king while writing this and i haven’t seen it in a while and i am..... emotional. but anyway, i love that streaming services think that imma pay for them while they charge $50 a month. like yes of course i have that kind of money and i am going to give it to you to watch tv 🙄 that $50 is budgeted to sims thank you. (ALSO SIMS!!! i’ll get to that in a minute) now see if i don’t google levidia right this minute LMAOO, not that i’m gonna use it.. just for the research...

AND HDKSHS SEND THAT CHAOS WALKING LINK LMAO i saw it for the third time with a different one of my friends and she wasn’t the best one to see it with? she literally was on her fucking phone and i was like ok whatever her loss not mine, and idk if you’ve read the books or if you’ve seen it by now, but by the end of the whole movie, after they’ve confirmed THE THING throughout the whole movie she asked the dumbest question and i’m like diD YOU NOT WATCH THE MOVIE, and i guess she didn’t. so. this sounds so vague but i don’t wanna spoil the movie for you just in case lol.

THE STORY LMAOO, so A DIFFERENT FRIEND LOL, like my oldest bff, we had a day together and we wanted to go see chaos walking. and i honest to God thought that no one would be seeing this movie. like NO ONE. every day, i checked the theater seating and no one was there right? plus i really wanted us to have the theater to ourselves. so we sit in the wrong seats, the row in front of us, STILL THINKING WE’RE ALONE. and then these 3 older people came in AND IM ABOUT TO SCREAM FHSJSH AND IM LIKE “are we in your seats?” and they we were like uh yeah, AND IT WAS SO BAD LMAOO , we’re moving and everything would’ve been FINE but my friend’s reclined seat was going down so slow and as it’s going shes LITERALLY SAYING ALOUD “awkward awkward awkward” so she thinks forget it, lemme just get up. HER BAG GETS CAUGHT ON HER CHAIR AND HER FRIES AND THEY SPILL ALONG WITH HER HONEY MUSTARD 😭😭 ALL OVER THE FLOOR! so i’m trying not to laugh lmao but those aren’t even our seats and we just made a mess, so naturally, i get on the floor and start cleaning it up with my napkins (this is going for too long) AND MY FRIEND IS STILL SAYING “awkward awkward awkward awkward” and i’m really abt to crack up bECAUSE LIKE SHUT UP HAHAHA and we’re cleaning it and shit and the oldest lady is gonna say “yeah you’re not gonna make an old lady get on the floor, are you?” AND I WANTED TO LAUGH AND SCREAM AT THE SAME TIME BC DID WE ASK YOU TO, NO, so then i had to get the manager and she helped us clean it, we got new fries and everything was fine, it’s just a crazy story bc LITERALLY WE COULDVE AVOIDED IT AND EVERYTHING BUT THESE ELDERLY PEOPLE HAD TO COME AND SEE THIS MOVIE😭😭 at least the gentlemen was nice.. he helped us clean. but then his wife was like “i aM nOt siTTiNg tHeRe” and at first i thought she was a teenager bc of her stink attitude but her husband was nice. and it’s not like we weren’t cleaning it up, we were!!! like i was so apologetic- anyway.

about sims! do you play console or pc? wait,, you already told me you play pc bc your computer was broken, i’m glad you can play now though :’)) litetally when i read in the tags that you’re playing sims !!!! and are you hyped for bunk beds? i have cc so i’ve had them for a bit, but they were glitchy... but i’m so excited we have them now! i should really play sims today...

GURL IM SO PROUD OF YOU 🥺🥲 i know you aren’t fluent in everything and you aren’t a linguistic genius LMAO but it’s still soooo amazing :’) here i am reading the captions while ur just going hahah, yea i tried duolingo but.... i didn’t stick to it HDJSH talking to you though makes me so interested because you know all these languages, not even studying them like that, but you have this foundation and ahh it’s just super cool. LOL YOU DONT SOUND LAME HAJA IM TELLING YOU ITS SO SO COOL, i’m loving this lesson btw oh my goodness- HSKAJS YOU THOUGHT I WOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT??? HDYSJHS MY ONLY ENGLISH SPEAKING ASS??? HAHAHAHHAH i find that word (Rindfleischetikettie- i’m not gonna write the whole thing i’m sorry) very interesting... like... wow. did you have to google that or did you just know lmao

OKAH THE WATER THING HDKDJDKS UR GONNA TERRIFY ME HAHAH OH MY LORD- first of all CROATIA 😍😍 but thinking about it like that, I WOULD FREAK OUT TOO HAHSGSG i never go that deep into the water, or if i do i have my dad with me lol and i kind of hold onto him bc ive seen/heard too many things about people being dragged into the sea. but i loveee the water (i wanted to be a mermaid soooo bad ohmigosh)

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW ONE CANNOT LIKE MUSIC ITS AWFUL !! lmao yeah i haven’t even listened to harry’s his first album, everyone says they love it more. I WAS GONNA SAY IMMA LISTEN TO ONLY ANGEL BUT THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE IT HUHAHAH also i have never listened to anything by mgk (i actually had to google who he was IM SORRY😔) i’m tempted to listen tho lol PLEASE JUSTIN BIEBER- I PROMISE IM NOT LAUGHING AT U IVE JUSY NEVER HAD SOMEONE SAY THAT B4!! like i don’t know many people who’ve liked him bUT NOW IM GONNA LISTEN & the cardboard cutout- okay. 😭😭😭

oh my goodness to see the vamps live 🤧 TO SEE ANYONE LIVE PLEASE JJDGSHAHGD and little mix is so good oh my goodness- i actually haven’t been to that many concerts.. i was at my first one, elsie fest (it’s like a broadway thing really) in uhhh october of 2019, yea i took my mom for her birthday bc she loves darren criss and i’m obsessed with glee lmao OH MY GOODNESS YOUVE BEEN TO SO MANY!!! and those are such great artists 😩😩

LMAO UR FINE, hamilton is a musical that lin manuel miranda wrote and i think generally made? i’m obsessed, but basically it was on broadway and then recorded and put on disney+ ... idk i guess it counts a film bc it’s like a movie really cuz it was recorded but in what 2018 or 2016? i don’t remembers the date that is on disney+ but it’s strange how i got into it, a lot of my friends were obsessed and i was like uhh why? and while researching it and watching it, trying to figure out why people love it... i fell in love with it LMAO but the music is FANTASTIC and lin is incredible😭 but yes yes yes i loveeeee high school musical!! my dad actually took my cousins to see it on ice or something (i absolutely forget lmao) but i don’t know how people don’t know hsm. it upsets me.

OKAY IM DOWN TO THE BOTTOM HAHAHA (it takes me so long to respond, now i’m on lion king 2 WHICH IS SO GOOD PLEASE FHHSSHHSHSH) i could respond in chunks but i kind of enjoy responding like this? it feels a bit like a letter but if this whole thing is overwhelming i’ll cut it up lol

+ yes that was me about your fic and sleep and everything lol but it was so good😭 i don’t understand how you write peter so well like you have this ability to capture his.. everything? i’m crine. all the time. over your fics. & i cannot describe my happiness for youuuu :’) i’m so happy you’re writing again 🥺🥰 the thing about how you only want to write the long peter fic but you don’t know how to continue... i feel that so so so hard, i don’t think i told you but ughh i was so blah bc of that feeling of having pent up inspiration for only one fucking thing and not being able to write it. it’s so frustrating 😭

not to add more to this but i need to vent a bit? the situation is definitely different bc with your major it obviously requires for you to ya know, know english lol, but uhm bc i’m homeschooled ive been cheating on all my work SHSHDHSJ like i google the answers but i’m still learning! it’s just..... i find it so unnecessary, like going for an audition no one is gonna say to me “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” like tf??? there’s literally no point. i’m gonna be getting into voice lessons again soon and i’m already doing dance, AND i’ll be doing this summer camp program (more hamilton lol) and thinking about school is only making me stress more, like i haven’t been able to rehearse dance at all this week bc of it...... so

hahaha reading your tags, lonely anon would still be accurate HAHAHHAHA // another add: yea i love ur current theme, i’ve gotten used to “seeing you” like this, but anything will look super pretty :)) ALSO HOW IS IT STILL SNOWING THERE, i swear it’s getting warmer and warmer by the day here 😭🤧

these long ass posts, my gosh🥲 lonely lovely anon <3

Omg yes it does feel like a letter sldkdj and then the few days of waiting also make more sense okay i love this ❣️💕❤️💓❤️💞🧡💜💘(wtf)sksjhz

Dear lovely anon,

ALSKSJVKD yes i‘m liking falcon and winter soldier dlkdh i haven‘t watched the second episode yet but i‘ll watch it tomorrow! but i didn‘t watch wandavision........ eidislskks i was going to but idk i wasn‘t that interested in it and watching series is already too much of a commitment (what can i say i‘m a Sagittarius—🤧 (no i’m joking i actually know NOTHING about starsigns)) didjj that i couldn‘t force myself to watch it, ALSO i hate (idk if this is an unpopular opinion) when every episode is like a whole hour. i‘m rewatching an old series today (it‘s german so i won‘t even get into it) and the episodes are 25 mins each and i‘ve already watched 8 episodes today ridlndjdjd,,, and i feel like if the episodes were an hour each i wouldn‘t have gotten past episode 2 today like idk.... even if series had the same length in total, i prefer when the individual episodes are shorter idk why tho tbh (so yeah i already wasn‘t 100% convinced about watching wandavision so i just couldn’t make myself watch a bunch of 1hour episodes— i‘ve heard that it‘s good tho- but i‘m not much of a series person so. Dldkk (have we talked about this already??? sorry i don‘t remember what i said lol and i couldn‘t find my own post anymore so dkdjsh) (WAIT I JUST CHECKED THE WANDAVISION EPIOSRDES ARENT EVEN THAT LONG??? Okay wait i might watch it now - did you like it? let me know if i should watch it— why did i think they were 60minutes???)

okay another confession i‘ve never watched the lion king????? i mean i watched it when i was a child but i was too young to actually pay attention to any kind of plot i just liked the songs lol sldkdj i‘ve been meaning to watch it for years tho 🦁 (idk it just felt appropriate to put a lion emoji lmoaoo)

OH MY GOD THE CHAIS WALKING/CINEMA STORY AHSJSKKS😭😭😭😭 NOOOOO (very fitting that there was so much chaos when you were watching a film that has chaos in the title loool) and the “awkward awkward awkward“ SAME SKSKSLSKDJ, that‘s literally me 24/7 ahajshshhshshsh. Like i was so skdjdjdkdllsldksnsnsnsb while i read what you sent me djslslsjdjdbdn why are old ladies always so grumpy btw 🥲🥲🥲 at least the man was nice tho! and wait did i read that right... you have fries (which, to me, are called chips dusuusldk) at your cinemas?? (Movie theatres sorry sksjsh) we just have popcorn and nachos and drinks i want chips too when i‘m watching a film what😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺

Also i still haven’t watched it so thanks for not spoiling it!!! (idk when i’ll watch it i’m so bad with films and even worse with series💀💀💀- same with cherry. i literally forgot all about cherry, i was SO hyped when the trailer came out like i’ve never been so excited about a movie... and then it came out... and i still haven‘t watch it like what‘s wrong with me???? Dkdjdjdjdklsl i feel like i‘m not gonna watch it anytime soon tbh, but i wanna watch chaos walking i just have to find the time

Okay and @ your other friend who wasn‘t paying attention like why are you even watching the film then???? but ok (omg this sounds so mean i‘m sure she‘s very nice but in this situation just like❔❔❔)

SIMS ahhh, BUNK BEDS, ahhhh sdljdjdjdkdkdldksj i actually haven‘t played it since the update 🤧🤧 i made both of my sims (enisa (bestselling author already, thank you) and michael (aspiring doctor)) go to university and bro it takes so long 😭😭 and you can‘t do anything else if you want them to do well so literally the last three times i played sims i was just constantly clicking their homework and computerd to write their assignments (i play it in german so idk what its called on the sims) and do their presentations and do them all over again so that they get better or whatever for HOURS, but imma play again soon

also i‘m living my fanfiction life loool, so i made my two sims neighbours (on the same plot tho but i made two small separate houses lol, i still wanted to control both of them at the same time but i made sure they didn‘t interact before i wanted them to skdjdjdk). and first they both experimented and got some experience in the love department you know (all genders, cause i have to live my sexuality even in a pc game slskdjh— wait, i‘ve never lived my sexuality irl like i‘ve done NOTHING nothing with guys nothing with girls (🥲) but maybe that’s why i want to do it even more in the sims) and then they met at uni and realised like hey we‘re neighbours and now they‘re together (but michael accidentally had an alien baby with another woman (who was an alien which i was not aware of) cause i wasn‘t paying attention like i said woohoo not try for baby like michael why is your pull out game so weak tf LSHDDHDJDJSKKDKSKDKS okay but making out and flirting and doing all the fun stuff in the sims turns me on way more than it should PFAHAHHAHSH) so idk why i told you this but I’m creating that neighbour!au in the sims lmaoooo

i did not have to google Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsübertragungsaufgabengesetz (just did it again😌 sisjshhs) but i might have mixed up the words überwachung und übertragung or i might have even forgotten a word skskks but in the end it doesn‘t matter (by linkin park- ok i‘m so sorry it‘s 2 am and i have a headache from having waveformers in my hair all day but i still wanted to reply to this now so sorry if i‘m not making any sense right nowbahahshah)

i wanted to be a mermaid too dldjdksksj like h2O and all those series convinced me i could be one like. i remember i‘d always go in the deep pool and attempt to swim like them in all the series with that wave motion i must have looked so crazy with my goggles as well dkdjsksöksj (i was like twelve but still)

so mgk has two sides one is hip hop/rap which is like ~~~~ idk he has good and bad songs, but his latest album is like punk pop snd I LOVE IT SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, so if you like punk pop I’d recommend his album tickets to my downfall (i don‘t blame yoj if you don‘t like it tho like about a year ago i would have HATED that type of music dkdkdkkd)🥴

Okay talking about music, there‘s this german rapper and he is... not a good person. he‘s literally a criminal and extremely sexist but to me he‘s still hot???????? he‘s even cute at times even tho he has tattoos everywhere and is like 6‘5 and is super aggressive but i see him and i‘m like 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 my heart beats only for you💘💘💘💘and he released a new song today and i watched the video and i‘m wondering wtf is wrong with me 😃 (he did look particularly cute cause he was high so idk he wasn’t really aggressive in this one) 😭 so i thought i‘d share that LMAO IDK

(not saying tattoos aren‘t cute btw i LOVE tattoos imma get some soon, but you know he looks like someone your grandma would be afraid of (and in his case rightfully so💀)

okay wait i‘m getting so tired it‘s 2 am i think i‘ll have to do the rest tomorrow but i wanted to do it now😭🥺🥺 see you tomorrow

it is now 3:42 am and i couldn‘t sleep so here we go again

girl you can laugh at me for liking justin tho skskks i wanna laugh at myself idk, like i said i really really really liked him a few years go, basically my life was at least 50% justin and then he went on a break for a while and released an album last year which i hated 🥴 but this album is wow. (Still weird to me because it‘s literally the definition of pop and i don‘t ever listen to pop?) and it‘s so weird because i used to know so much about justin and had so many friends who loved him as well and now it‘s like I’m listening to someone new? Don‘t get me wrong i never KNEW justin and i never will and i‘m aware of that shahsh but yeah i used to be soooo used to him and it‘s like reconnecting with an old friend and you realise you don‘t know that friend anymore- like you don‘t know them anymore at all. I mean justin is weird nowadays 😂😂😂 so pls laugh at me tbh dskksjsjsh

awww it‘s so wholesome that you gave your mom tickets to the concert 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i gave my mum tickets for pink like 2 years ago and she loved it so much and i was like 🥰🥰🥰 (i went with her) AND OMG GLEE ok so unfortunately i barely remember glee, but i used to watch it too!!!! And it‘s actually on my list of series i wanna watch (again) so youre making me want to watch it even more (but like i said i‘m bad with series so 😩😩😩 who knows when i‘ll rewatch it)

When all this pandemic shit is over (let‘s be hopeful <3333) then you need to go to as many concerts as possible!!!!! i‘ve been to SO MANY and it‘s literally one of the things in my life i‘m the most grateful for, concerts are some of the best experiences i‘ve ever had in my life especially the ones that are in smaller concert halls where you can feeeel the vibe and everyone‘s energy (and that sounds awful thinking about it mid-pandemic 😐) anyway—

Okay omg you‘re absolutely making me want to watch hamilton right now like omg i WANT TO WATCH IT NOW but it‘s 4 am sodndkdldl

what you said about my peter fics🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺like omg i love these emojis they literally just describe how i felt when reading what you said so, yes, 🥰🥺 + thank you :) it really means a lot <3

and no omg i totally get the studying thing. like last year before i graduated .. was that last year? yes wtf omg okaykdjdj, so the last three months before i had my final exams we were just in a lockdown and we didn‘t even have online classes. We had nothing except one teacher who left our group chat (😭) because she was mad at us (?) and one maths teacher who did an online ““lesson““ once a week. he‘d ask: so does anyone have questions. us: . Him: okay, bye then. So. Yeah dndldldj. But we had one online test and it was in german and like i read the book wee were supposed to read? but the questions on the test were all unanswerable (is that a word?) and i had to google everything (got an A tho 🤪 but only because i googled everything so i was so scared that i wouldn‘t be able to get a good result on the final exam because what if i‘d gotten used to just googling everything and i couldn‘t do it by myself anymore? anyway it was all fine in the end but yeah at times i couldn‘t even study because i had so much anxiety about studying and yeah- like this whole annoying cycle. but you said you‘re still studying———- okay wait 👁👄👁 i forgot what i was going to say??????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like wtf. Is wrong with me? And i‘m reading what you wrote again and i just don‘t know what i was going to say? Like i get what you‘re saying obviously but i‘m like? Idk 4am brain ayeee, please vent more if you need to and elaborate further because right now i‘m???? Too dumb to respond to this right now wtf. I‘m so sorry lmao ddlkdjdjd what is even going on like i‘m sitting here open mouthed just like ? But btw the fact that you have Voice and dance lessons is like SO FUCKING COOL like oh my god that is sosososos cool wtf, i was thinking that when you first talked about it too

And “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” ODHDKSLDBDJDOFIDKDNDLDK

Yes i know about the weather dkdkdkjd but it‘s getting (a lot) warmer here too and where i live we kind of get a weird type of wind called föhn (which literally means hair dryer but idk if that‘d the reason why it‘s called that, i‘m too tired to think of whether it makes sense rn) and it gives me headachesssssss and the changing weather is also giving me headaches 😭😭😭😭 so this season right now is just headache season and i hate summer so i wish it would just snow again lmao (okay it‘s getting so late that it‘s early already snd i can hear this bird chirping so fucking loud wtf i‘m also getting a headache 🤧🤧🤧) but at least i can do my new theme soon (i hope it‘ll look good🥺 and omg thank you for what you said about my current theme- i always feel like i‘m so bad with aesthetics, i obviously like my theme but i feel like every single person on tumblr has a theme that is prettier than mine so it was very nice to hear you say that you love it👉🏼👈🏼 (i‘m so used to it by now that i actually hate it lmao so it‘s getting yeeted soon and i‘m making megan thee stallion my pfp 🤪 (if the graphics and shit works out skdjdjdj)

[water--gang]

HI LOVE IM HERE SORRY IM LATE I HAD A WEEK IF U KNOW WHAT I MEAN

LOOK ITS A HUG

LOVE YOU ALSO I HAVE ICE CREAM

Only QUALITY in this house my sweet look how Epic and Zesty these look I low key want ice cream 🥺

Also NO WORRIES ON A LATE REPLY I fully understand that ur busy and stressed, I don’t have a problem with that!!

I’m sorry life hasn’t been treating u well :(( I hope the upcoming holidays will do their part in letting you breathe and feel better!! If nothing in particular has made u smile, that’s fine!! Though it might make you feel better to start paying attention to those things, as scarce as they might be. Maybe they’ll help cheer you up at some point! I know you made me smile a lot while I was in the UK and it really helped keep me going a lot!! You matter and I’m sure that you’ll find reasons to smile soon! You better or life can catch these hands fr I��m smol and as intimidating as a swarm of butterflies bUT that shan’t stop me and it WONT

and please make sure to get rested!!! Again I hope the break will give you more opportunities for sleep and I understand how tough that can be but I’ll cheer for you anyway!

And bc you asked, I’m doing okay! My assessments got a new due date for June so I have the weeks before the second semester to get some rest myself, and my cats bc I got CATS AND THEYRE AMAZING AND I LOVE THEM have been a big comfort to me!! I love them so muc 😭😭 and while my mental health is still on the brink, I’m in a better place now- so that’s good!! I’m seeing a counselor too now! I have a session tomorrow actually!! I got him to listen to seventeen dude I can’t he’s like in his 50’s right and I got him to listen to kpop he’s so wholesome 😭

BUT THIS IS ABOUT U

I saw ur post! Thank you for taking care in letting me know! I also won’t judge u if u like dreamsmp if that’s what ur referring too, I don’t watch it myself but I can definitely see how funny it is, I love watching quackity lmao he’s in it I think lmao

I’ve been referring to you as they/them since i saw ur bio (i talk about u to my two irl friends lmao) but thank you for letting me know!! I’m happy to use ur preferred pronouns, and if they change for any reason just lemme know and I’ll respect that too!!

LOVE YOU, I HOPE YOURE DOING OKAY AND THAT YOU’LL GET BETTER SOON ❤️❤️❤️ YOU DESERVE TO FEEL BETTER AND TO GET GOOD THINGS IN LIVE LOVE, PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF (you’ve been doing an amazing job!! Please keep it up I’m really proud of you!!) 💖💖💖

hey you never have to apologize for that yea? cause i mean look at me, i take fucken ages to respond

thank you for the hug, love!! consider me sending two right back:)) <3

ahhahaha daaaamn Three ice creams? what did I do to deserve so many

heh you say that yet you yourself apologize, let's just make a deal to not apologize for any of our late replies okay? cause we both can be stressed and busy and tired and who knows what and that's fine

i don't remember what holidays you meant but I'll go ahead and assume i was semi okay during those and then went right back to being fucked jdnfnd thank you tho:')

aww... i did? really? that's... that's really sweet. that makes me happy:') I'm glad i could do that

ahhahahaha looks like life has some hands incoming! and hey maybe life is afraid of insects and such in which case a swarm of butterflies would be terrifying, especially when it's coming straight at ya

awwwww you got cats!!!! what are their names??? awhh I'm glad you have them:'))

ohh glad to hear that! i hope your sessions have been going well and you've converted him into a proper kpop stan ahahah no but really i hope they're helping and you've managed to stay in a good place cause that's the least you deserve after enduring so much shit

you're welcome! you're my friend so I wanted you to know, yea hahah. aw what you've been talking about me to your friends??? ..... i don't know why that makes me so soft, i just.... didn't think anyone would consider me interesting enough to talk to other people about ahah thank you:') also i didn't think anyone would notice the change in my bio so the fact that you did and have been referring to me as such makes me really happy:'))) thank you so much, thank you for being so supportive and accepting <3 (fun fact, i got a haircut hehe i went from long hair to super short and honestly it feels so much more like me:') )

yep! i was in fact referring to the dream smp hahah, I'm... I'm deep in the dsmp hole jdnxkd all i know is sleep eat and watch dsmp ahahhah it's like really angsty as well tho, not just funny, i have cried multiple times watching it:)) ah yess quackity is one of the members! i recently watched his outlast vods

:')

can I just give you a big ol'

<3

heart, since i can't give you a hug, i am very upset it can't get bigger but we gotta make do with what we got, just imagine it's much much bigger altho that wouldn't capture all my appreciation and love anyway

unfortunately I'm bad with words so just: thank you. love you. i care about you and i hope you're doing well or will be soon. i appreciate every word you tell me. thank you so much. take care of yourself as well <3 thank you

— admin

[knightofameris]

you doing good? just checking up on ya and seeing you’re doing! drink water n stay hydrated bby! 💗 -ann (anntidote)

hi bb!!! @anntidote 🥺 i hope you dont mind me using this as essentially an update for my followers too adlsfjaljdf. but i love you so so so much <3 your initial message i read when i was feeling so shitty that i cried even more but out of happiness 🥺 im repeating it again, i LOVE YOU AHHHH

but first things first, i’m doing alright! i’m doing my best to take care of myself in the midst of midterms but damn i’ve never expected my life to turn out like this when i first decided to take a break off of tumblr. 

this is a long boi because i think part of me just wants to vent it out. and it’s under the cut. it doesn’t deal with too much?? heavy stuff??? but it does??? idk. i “ran away” from home if that’s any indication LMAO. just be cautious, please.

i went off tumblr for a bit because i think it was causing me too much anxiety to get something written out. i was also going insane with everything when it came to school and, honestly, i still am. i hate school so much because i don't even want to study physics but i feel like its too late and with how my life is, im sticking with it just so i can ensure having a job out of college to gain that financial independence. 

i went into a really bad depressive episode....? or whatever for a while and it took me a while to get out of until i reached out to my oldest brother after isolating myself from friends and family. and things were looking up a bit. and when things were looking up that’s when i got that one suga fic done, the one i’m most proud of. 

but something happened with the current family members at home and im no longer at home for now, im with my sister in the meantime because i literally couldn’t take it. i’ve never been put into a situation where i had such a physical reaction to something so emotional. i felt so sick and terrible and i couldn’t eat or drink water and it felt worse than when i was recovering from my jaw surgery and i hated that time of my life. 

im going back home soon but i don't know what the environment will be like when i do go back home. my family’s a fucking mess and i think if you really want to try understanding it, my brother got married a year ago and my parents didn’t want to go despite all of us thinking our parents would approve of her. the reason why? is because it wasn’t a catholic wedding and my brother and my sister-in-law didn’t want a big wedding, just a small one. and my younger older brother is on the side of my parents and since he’s the one living at home with me, we’ve had a strained relationship despite the fact that he was my biggest role model growing up so i’ve been coming to terms that he’s not the same brother i looked up to anymore. 

as of right now i do have money saved and im planning on moving back to my college campus and living with some friends. and i’ll be job hunting soon as well. 

i know i’ll be okay. 

and i know i have so many people who care about me, maybe even moreso than my family. im not saying my family doesn’t care about me, the toxic ones. i know they do but i am also aware that the way they care about me isn’t healthy for me especially if i want to grow. 

i never expected myself “running away” or doing whatever. it’s kinda crazy to me and i’m so anxious about going back home. it’s been a crazy ride but i hope y’all are doing well 🥺 i hope to be back and writing because i know i stop writing when im in a bad place and any pieces i do write aren’t even ones i’m proud of but i write again when im in a good place and those pieces are always the ones im proud of. 

i hope that one day i can fix my relationship with the younger older brother, and even my parents. i just know that i can’t do that right now and i need to stop thinking so idealistic like i have been the past few years. I've been so stuck as the baby of the family being the glue especially since i’ve been the most consistent presence with my parents and im the one who talks the most to each sibling rather than them to each other. 

anyway one fun thing is im proud to know that if i ever do go off on my own i apparently have the balls to steal my dog with me because i know for a damn fact that my brother wouldn’t take care of her and my parents work out of the house so they definitely won’t.