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bwat5-blog · 2 months ago

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Vi's Grief: An Honest Accounting

**Spoiler Warning for all of Arcane**

The reason I am giving my two cents on this when so many others have done such an excellent job already (check out the one I re-blogged, title is "all because of one woman" i believe), is because of a slew of conversation I have seen recently, making it out like Vi was just having a sad puppy phase waiting on Caitlyn, and that the moment Caitlyn snapped her fingers Vi came padding back for treats and pets.

In fact, what we are witnessing here is to me one of the saddest points of the story. In which a woman so characterized by her tenacity, her hope, her love and her spirit, just has nothing left. So to that end, I am going to be discussing the collective grief that brought Vi so low, and hope to relay the emotional weight and depth this moment should be given. (Even if the pacing of season 2 DID NOT).

Disclaimer: Anyone following me knows Vi is my favorite character and that I have written about her quite a bit. To that end, there be some things in this I just briefly touch on, that I probably got more detailed with in other posts. As always, thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and/or respond. Discourse and appreciation of stories and characters with heart and depth are how keep them alive. Below are a quick list of points I have explored in other posts regarding Vi's character that are relevant to this discussion but not needing full on analyses here.

Vi DID NOT make Jinx

Vi WAS NOT a bad sister

Vi IS NOT the Jinx

Powder:

The genesis of the grief and guilt Vi will struggle with for the rest of the story. In a moment of unimaginable pain, an at most 16 year old Vi lashes out at Powder who has seemingly caused the deaths of their family. She hits her, grabs her roughly around the face and calls her a Jinx before stalking away into the alleyway to cry. She almost instantly stops, looking at her sisters blood on her hands with horror, and stands to go back before Marcus materializes out of the shadows, stealing her away and throwing her in Stillwater for seven years.

I have discussed this tragedy in several posts and with heavy detail, so I will give you the overview here:

Every scrap of evidence before Vi lashes out suggests a loving, supportive, and protective relationship between she and her sister

While older than Powder, as I said per the writers Vi is 14-16 old during this time (I guess they never decided) which is extremely young

Vi tried not to involve Powder in this at all because she wasn't ready, and rightfully so. We have seen Vander's lessons regarding responsibility to those who look up to you settling in Vi's mind over the first three episodes. She knows there is a good chance they may not come back from rescuing Vander, and tries to keep Powder safe.

When Vi lashes out she has seen her entire family die violently, has narrowly survived a fight for her life against multiple adult thugs, and is wounded and afraid

There is no situation where a rational adult would blame Vi for what happened. But, grief isn't rational. One of the last lessons Vander imparted before his passing becomes a part of her so strong it will impact her forever in ways good and bad alike. "when people look up to you, you don't get to be selfish".

Vi loses everything, and everyone. Thrown in frightening, dark, violent prison without cause for seven years. Her whole world shrinks to the darkness in that cell and all she can think about, all she can focus on and hope for, is to someday make it right to the sister who looked up to her.

Jinx:

Seven years locked away from the world and when Vi gets her chance, she takes it. Lets quickly run down their reunion:

Vi immediately embraces Jinx and apologizes for everything that happened.

Jinx asks if Vi is real, clearly concerning but Vi doesn't bat an eye and just comforts her sister

When Jinx tearfully admits she has changed (the tone clearly indicating in a bad way as Vi understands) Vi does not judge or question, affirming that Jinx did what she had to in order to survive

After seeing Caitlyn and the paranoia and fear planted by Sevika and Silco in Jinx takes ahold of her, Vi continues to try and embrace her sister even pushing Jinx's machine gun out from under her chin

Fights back to back with Jinx against the firelights. We only see first real sign of fear/concern over Jinx's behavior when she realize how manic/gleeful Jinx is in combat, but Vi is taken by the firelights before it can be addressed

Vi immediately tries to take responsibility, accepts her, comforts her, and tries to protect her. They are separated and taken to the firelights hideout where she is reunited with Ekko. Ekko tells her unequivocally that Powder is gone. There is only Jinx, and that she works for Silco because she wants to. Now of course that is not entirely correct either. Jinx is an extremely complex character dealing with a multitude of factors to her decisions. What it really comes down to is this, when Ekko assures Vi she cannot change Jinx, Vi replies "I know my sister, I can reach her.. I have to try"

The Bridge:

After everything she has seen, and everything she has been through and been told Vi turns around from Caitlyn and Ekko, her every intention of going back into the Undercity for her sister alone. She only turns around after the combined betrayal by Marcus, and detonation of the firelights by Jinx almost kill Ekko and Caitlyn. Vi then is witness to her little sister breaking down and almost murdering them both, surrounded by the bodies from Jinx's bombs.

The Dinner Party:

Vi spent seven years in that terrible place, all with the dream of finding Powder and making things right between them. We have seen Vi stabbed, beaten, hunted and shot at all in pursuit of this dream. Jinx herself has at this point almost killed Vi herself. And even still, "when people look up to you, you don't get to be selfish".. All Vi can see is that she failed her little sister. From the sad and tender moment with Caitlyn in Cait's bedroom, to the fact that Vi goes after Sevika and Silco alone to put an end to it, she is carrying so much grief and sorrow over what's occurred. And its all made manifest at Jinx's dinner party.

This is a very intense scene and we could come at it from a lot of angles. To my view these are what matter:

Jinx has abducted Vi, Caitlyn and Silco

Jinx is finally acknowledging all of Silco's crimes against their family, but wants Vi to kill Caitlyn in exchange for "getting powder back"

Vi will not sacrifice Caitlyn but tries to keep Jinx and Caitlyn from hurting each other. Leading to Caitlyn having a shot at Jinx and not taking it before being knocked out

Vi and Silco "battle" over Jinx's soul leading to her breaking down but ultimately saving Vi's life over Silco. She then attacks the Piltover council, killing Caitlyn's mother

Interlude:

What follows is the aftermath of Jinx's attack and the eventual attack by Chem Barron on the memorial. The sister Vi fought so hard to get home to, has killed Caitlyn's mother. And worse yet, Vi convinced Caitlyn to stay her hand before it happened. Vi has tried so hard to protect the people she loves, tried to keep them safe. And while learning she cannot save everyone, and that the weight of the world is not hers alone are two of Vi's most character defining lessons. She isn't there yet.

The Ventilation Chamber:

"My sister is gone.. there's only Jinx now".

People have said Vi gave up on her sister too quickly, that she never really loved her, and that nothing justified donning the uniform and coming after Jinx in this way. As we have just been over it I won't list it all in-depth, but in short, Vi has been violently forced to recognize that Powder has become a violent, unstable, unpredictable murderer. And Vi still blames herself for this transformation that left only Jinx behind. So she does what she always tried to do, even if its the worst possible thing someone could ask of her. She puts on the uniform that has symbolized her parents death, her peoples oppression, and seven years of terror and abuse. So she can take responsibility and end the threat to the entire land that her sister has become. And it ends with her little sister ready to die.. happy believing it will be Vi's hands that end her.

Caitlyn:

Vi and Caitlyn are one of the driving forces of the story. Their love story has mattered so much to many people for many reasons, myself included. For this discussion, we are focusing on the moments that demonstrate their meaning to each other, and what is lost when it all goes wrong. Eventually I am doing a deep-dive on their story and going point by point, but this will focus more on the big picture.

Meeting:

After seven years of isolation and pain at the hands of enforcers. Vi is greeted by Caitlyn wanting information. They play their roles, Vi the cocky inmate, Caitlyn the uptight officer, until Vi reveals she has been beaten up. Caitlyn's response is a stoic thing. She does not march to the desk demanding justice. She does not get all teary eyed and beg Vi's forgiveness for her organizations corruption. She crosses the red line. She decides not to walk away. Later in their discussion, Vi accuses all enforcers of being "Asshole criminals in fancy uniforms". Caitlyn does not bluster. She does not fight. She does not curse Vi as some undercity thug and leave. She just listens. It's the sort of thing you would normally consider insignificant. But we see it from Caitlyn again later when she is talking with Ekko. Even if she doesn't believe it yet, Caitlyn listens. And Vi hasn't had that in a very long time. All concluding in Caitlyn Kiramman, scion of one of the great houses, freeing Vi from prison. The vulnerability in Vi's face when the door opens, and the shock on Caitlyn's face in response is beautiful.

Caitlyn Saves Vi:

Caitlyn's rescue of Vi from Sevika is when Vi's walls start to slowly come down. It's not an instant process. Even after being stabbed Vi is still making jokes, trying to do it all herself. But as the events play out we see the true beginnings of their connection. Caitlyn barely knows Vi. But she immediately engages Sevika to save her, and even trades her prized weapon to save Vi's life. The incredibly soft and tender physical contact between is so telling. And Vi for all of her tough, harsh exterior has been denied anything like this her entire life. Caitlyn has freed Vi, saved her life, and is likely the first real affection Vi has had in her life since before Vander was killed.

Vi Chooses Caitlyn:

We discussed this incident earlier pertaining to Vi/Jinx. So all we need to say here is that for the first time since being freed, we see Vi prioritize something.. or someone.. over getting back to her sister. The concern and relief in her face clear to find Caitlyn alive.

Caitlyn's Abduction/The Dinner Party:

We discussed this event in detail earlier. But some things we have to remember when discussing Vi's relationship with Caitlyn are as follows:

Caitlyn was abducted from her own home

Jinx offers Vi "Powder" back if she will kill Caitlyn

Caitlyn repeatedly tries to tell Vi Jinx is too far gone, but doesn't take the shot at Vi's urging

Caitlyn is violently knocked out by Jinx

Caitlyn has to watch as Jinx murders her mother

This woman that Vi has clearly come to care for, perhaps even love by now (hard to say it a shorter tv show), has now been terrorized and almost killed by Jinx repeatedly. And now so has her mother.

The Strike Team:

In the aftermath of Jinx's attack, all is thrown into chaos and confusion. Retaliation by Piltover upon the undercity is not a question. Its happening. Caitlyn is trying to manage her grief, while Vi is trying to be there for her and manage her grief/guilt over Jinx's part in it all. Caitlyn offers her the badge in order for them to be together to try and bring Jinx to justice, but Vi refuses. The enforcers are the symbol of too much pain from Vi's past. It takes the attack on the memorial for Vi to relent, knowing the only way she keep Caitlyn safe and have any control over what happens with her sister, is to join the strike team and wage war in the streets of her birth.

I have discussed the strike team and the morality of their actions in other documents so here I just want to talk about what this means between Caitlyn and Vi. Vi knows Caitlyn was going. And this was the only way to stay by the woman she loves. But i think at least on some level, even though they are hunting chem barons, and even though the use of the grey is not NEARLY what the fandom has made out of it, Vi is wearing an enforcer uniform, in Zaun's streets, doing violence. I don't know how that couldn't weigh on her. Even if logically she knows she is doing the right thing, it has to feel like a betrayal of where she came from. Caitlyn knows this as well but with each passing day is relenting more and more to her rage before Vi's eyes

The Kiss:

"Everyone in my life changed promise me you won't change"

We all knew it was far too late for Caitlyn to keep that promise. And as I have said in another post, it wasn't really a fair thing for Vi to ask. But does that make Caitlyn a liar and Vi selfish? No.. Caitlyn sees the woman she loves laying bare her fear and her vulnerability, in a way she knows Vi only trusts her enough to show. A way she knows Vi is only showing because Vi loves her.

And for her part, to ask someone who has lost a loved one not to change is impossible. That loss leaves a whole, and you can't be who you were before that hole was carved from you. But Vi has watched the woman she loves sliding further and further down this dark road unable to do anything but try and be there for and keep her safe. Vi's entire world was violently ripped away before she was imprisoned. And now the events of the last few weeks have taken her sister as well. Caitlyn is all that she has and she is afraid.

Heartbreak:

The fight in the chamber comes. It is fearsome, and terrifying, and heart breaking. But when it quiets, Caitlyn has Jinx in her sights. The woman who murdered her mother, who abducted her, who has caused Vi so much pain she is RIGHT. THERE. And Vi stops her.

There has been much debate on what happened. Perhaps in that moment, Caitlyn didn't care if she hit isha. Or, she truly believed she would not and was willing to risk it. Neither are the Caitlyn we know. So Vi stops her. Trying to get her to see the child in danger through Caitlyn's rage and pain.

This whole sequence turned my stomach. It feels like a violation as its supposed to. Once separated after the explosions, Caitlyn and Vi argue, and Caitlyn breaks her promise. She tells Vi she is no different than Jinx. Jinx who killed her mother. Who terrorized her. Who killed those enforcers and became Silco's daughter. And when Vi tries to stop her leaving. Caitlyn hits her in the stomach with her rifle. Leaving her all alone and in pain, crying on the ground.

Conclusion:

Well once again this ran longer than I meant it to. I for sure repeated some things some of you have seen from me already, and I'm sure there was a more concise way to do this. But much like Vi's breakdown over Vander's body at the end, or Caitlyn's becoming the commander, this is an extremely dark, bleak moment that the breakneck pace of season 2 flashes by. And a lot of people really seem to underestimate what she is going through. Up to this point, Vi had defined herself by her loyalty and strength. Her willingness to stand for those she loves no matter the cost to herself. She only knows how to live for those she loves, and believes that is all she is worth. Now, in a very short period of time, the hope of reuniting with her sister has been violently, savagely destroyed. The Last Drop is forever changed. Vander, Milo and Claggor are dead. And the woman she loves, the woman she began to believe loved her (we know Caitlyn does but her darkness is for another post), has left her as broken and alone its like she never rescued her from that prison at all.

#arcane season 2 spoilers #arcane season 1 #vi arcane #arcane #caitvi #vi and jinx #long post #arcane vi #vi needs a hug

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sevenofreds · 1 year ago

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Angel revealing the exact wording of his contract with Valentino (and how he can take advantage of it) recontextualizes so much about his and Val's relationship, his friendship with Cherri (and why it's ultimately toxic for him despite them clearly caring a lot for each other), and his reasons for staying at the hotel.

(Buckle up bitches this is gonna be a long one and I spent way too much time thinking about it)

SO, according to Angel, he only has to do what Valentino says while at the studio. Pay attention to that wording. Not "while working". "While at the studio".

Val's rant to Vox implies that, before Angel moved into the Hazbin Hotel, he was basically LIVING in the studio, which means that, by the wording of their contract, Angel was Val's to control 24/7.

While it doesn't really recontextualize Val's whiny bitchbaby moment in episode 2 (because regardless of the contract's exact wording, he clearly wants to be in total control of Angel), it does give us more information about it; Val was upset that he couldn't physically MAKE Angel do any thing at any time anymore, and Angel KNEW that, too.

So why didn't he ever just leave before? That comes back to Val's treatment of him, and how he views himself (or at least DID view himself until his husband friend Husk came along). Val almost definitely got it into Angel's head that nobody would WANT to take him in or help him, which is (one of, at least) the reason why he didn't trust Charlie at first during the prequel comic.

He wasn't just staying at the hotel because it was rent-free; it was because, as long as he "played nice", he was free of Val outside of work.

It does seem like taking advantage of the wording like that goes both ways (Val can apparently extend his hours on a whim without breaking the contract), but if you wanted out of a situation like Angel's, you'd take anything you could get.

And then we move on to Cherri, and her relationship with partying compared to Angel's.

Cherri Bomb is an anarchist. A chaotic partygirl. She's not trying to escape from anything. She parties so hard because she ENJOYS it. It's her way of having fun, of recharging, and it seems like throughout most of episode 6, she thought that Angel was partying with her for those same reasons.

But as we learned in episode 4, that isn't the case. Angel gets drunk and high to escape, to forget how fucked up his situation is, to forget how much he hates and blames himself for being the way he is. And once he found a functioning support system, and people who cared about him beyond his persona, he didn't need that anymore. He learned to accept that yeah, his situation is fucked, and there's not much he can do...but that doesn't mean that there's NOTHING he can do. And he's not alone.

This leads us to view Cherri as a toxic friend towards Angel, at least until she sees that he's getting serious about the hotel; she's perfectly happy with what she does, and was only goading Angel into it because she thought he was, too (she would thrive in Beelzebub's scene if she were able to go there; Angel would fall into the same category as Blitzø). Once she saw for herself that wasn't the case, she said she was glad for him, and that she'd be there if he ever needs her.

It's evident by that point that they care deeply about each other. But Cherri lives a lifestyle that wasn't ever good for Angel Dust; for Anthony. And that's okay.

Whether he was truly aware of it or not, Angel needed friends. He needed a support system. He wanted to be better than he was. And even if he doesn't quite realize it yet...he's well on his way.

#hazbin hotel #angel dust #hazbin angel dust #hazbin hotel angel dust #husker hazbin hotel #husk hazbin hotel #huskerdust #hazbin husk #cherri bomb #hazbin cherri bomb #hazbin valentino #helluva boss #vivziepop

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fandom-skellyweirdo-jumper · 23 days ago

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Zenshu's Built in Character Flaws aka Why Luke Braveheart and Unio seem to be Assholes and why I like it. (A repost of a reblog to stand as its own post.)

Regarding ep1, we all gets to see the 'stoic' act of Luke and Unio as we watch them insult Natsuko foe being in the desert without waiting to hear an explanation and leave hear to starve when she is hungry. And than in ep 2, we see blanton sexism that Natsuko points out when he gives his reasons as to why Natsuko can't join the 9 heros.

And I can see how a lot of people might regard these moments as annoying or infuriating as Luke and Unio are supposed to be "Heros" and anime is following annoying tropes. (At this point i feel we can comfortably regard Luke as more of a warrior than w Hero I'd say.)

But, to me, it all makes perfect sense.

Because these unheroic flaws are evidence that Luke Braveheart is a protagonist of an old school fantasy anime film (aka the old school fantasy anime film that Natsuko watched as a kid) and one that was regarded as unpopular/a flop/bad by critics.

Unio has the perfectly annoying traits of a side character/sidekick you'd see in like the 1980s (?) (I'm thinking of scrappy from Scooby-Doo). Arrogant, likes partying and drinking over listening to a warning, wants rewards as a hero, flirts with Memmeln ect.

Memmeln is there as the token women warrior who doesn't even speak up much for herself or show alot of emotions (from what I've seen in the first 2 episodes).

And QJ is the intelligent character that's there more to exaggerated the danger coming towards them than to actually be helpful since its an action anime film. Example: "CHANCE OF SUCCESS IS 3%" & "Charging is what he's going to be doing from now on whenever you actually need him."

They all exist as animated characters that a kid would watch in theater in the 1900s and believe they were the coolest people ever as they believed the film was the coolest thing ever produced. But than acknowledge all the media's flaws once they got older.

All of this I'm ok with and am able to stand because Natsuko clearly does not put up with any of that crap and seems to be admiring everyone for their animation art and nostalgia.

She does not treat them like great heros of legends like people would do with meeting [the Avatar from atla] or [Harry Potter]. She does not worship or dream about them like celebrities but as the childhood characters she has known well and appreciated for a long time.

And I'm really excited to see how the anime grows everyone or even just Luke from their 2D archetype into more complex people. And I'm excited to see how Natsuko treats them as time goes on. (Frankly the running gag of her swinging Unio by his horn in hilarious. She has no respect for anyone🤣😍🥰)

#zenshu #natsuko hirose #luke braveheart #unio #memmeln #QJ #media literacy #zenshu analysis #my post #my anime post

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dovveri · 9 months ago

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misunderstandings

bachelorette masterlist - part 1 ▸ part 2 ▸ part 3 ▸ part 4 ▸ part 6 ▸ part 7

synopsis: y/n watches the most recent episode of the bachelorette and is met with something she doesn’t like. sana also seems to be angry for whatever reason and it builds up into a big argument at the end of the night.

warnings: sex! overstimulation, fingering, scissoring, oral sex, degradation, choking, cursing

w/c: 7.1k

a/n: soooo sorry for the delay this will probs be my last update for a while bcs finals season is driving me up a wall (if u see me post another story or part its bcs im actually not studying and u should yell at me for it) i lwk hate the pacing of this chapter i feel like its everywhere but hey! we got some smut!

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

the backlash wonsik gets online is more than satisfactory. apparently, with all the evidence piled up against him, he would most likely be sent away for the rest of his life. which is disgusting to think about, how much crime do you have to commit to get a life sentence? you try to shake those thoughts as you watch the most recent episode with the leftover contestants while sana’s on her individual date as usual. it was tradition now, even more so as the pool of contestants gets smaller and smaller.

after your day off, things had gotten right back to normal.

sana went on a solo date with jacky. good thing it was jacky too because they had the famous ‘conquer a fear’ date. who knew big, australian jacky was afraid of balloons. and in typical bachelorette fashion, producers came up with a romantic hot air balloon date for 5am in the morning.

costume designers had rushed into your room at 4am, turning on all the lights and pulling sana from your arms, not even casting you a second look now that they were used to seeing the both of you cuddled up and naked most of the time they had to come in and dress you.

you were barely conscious as they ran around frantically, pulling the covers over your head and groaning a little, trying to make yourself go back to sleep.

you’re sure sana didn’t feel the best either from the little grumbles and whines you can hear faintly as she struggles to keep her eyes open while makeup artists dab eyeshadow on her eyelids.

soon enough they're off and you drift back into sleep, only to be awoken a few hours later so you can get dressed and attend the group date for the day.

that was also pretty fun. everything was meant to be high-adrenaline, facing your fears, all that sort of stuff today. so the team had booked out a big amusement park and you all had free rein. it was also good because it meant you had a little bit more freedom, not everyone had to stick together so people ended up splitting naturally when they wanted to do different rides and you had even managed to sneak sana away from the cameras for a quick make out session in the toilets.

it was a pretty great day and would make for a nice and light episode after the mayhem that happened with wonsik. there was a rose ceremony as always but this time, only 2 people were eliminated. unfortunately you had to say goodbye to dae and nayeon, sana did say it was getting harder and harder to eliminate people because as the more time goes on, the closer you get, and when there's less people in the house, it also facilitates closer relationships. she had to eliminate those two simply because she felt her romantic connection with them wasn't as strong as it was with some of the other contestants. it was rough but that's showbiz.

after 2 more eliminations tonight, it would officially be the quarter finals meaning it would be time for sana to meet all of her last 4 contestants' families and close ones.

currently, you're enjoying an afternoon tea at the contestants' house. as usual, sana was on a solo date with jiwon but there wouldn't be a group date today because there wasn't enough time to film it. instead, the both of you were allowed a little sleep in after yesterday's rude 4am awakening, and a little more time in the afternoon to dress up before the rose ceremony tonight.

the episode had just finished with jacky and sana's date. jacky still won't go near a balloon and he's probably developed a fear of heights on top of that too now but at least it looked pretty on television.

you had teased him when the episode showed him nervously walking around and inspecting the hot air balloon before sana had to basically yank him into the basket. he had his eyes shut tight the entire time, holding on to sana for dear life while they ascended. it was a little cute when sana finally managed to get him to peek his eyes open once they reached their highest altitude, just in time to catch the sunrise, and in exchange for getting over his fear and not backing out of this date with her, she gave him a rose and kissed him on the cheek.

you heard afterwards from eunji that as soon as they touched back down he had jumped out of the basket and laid face down in the grass for about half an hour, just getting used to the feeling of being on the ground again.

they had caught a bit of him on the floor doing exactly that which was pretty hilarious because sana was crouched next to him, poking him and trying to get him to sit up but he just groaned and mumbled something incomprehensibly in response, his rose still clutched tight in his hand, stretched out in front of him.

they cut it off there though, maybe a little for jacky's reputation but you all knew how long he was there for.

after a short break where they show a few scenes of silly occurrences inside the house with the other contestants, and then finding out everyone was invited on the group date that day, except for jacky who was invited but ended up taking the rest of the day off to recuperate and basically laid in bed in the medical office, even skipping the rose ceremony since he already got his rose.

they shot everyone in the car on the way to the amusement park, asking the contestants what they thought was going to happen, if anyone was scared, trying to pull a few comedic clips together, all the anticipation scenes the audience needed to be excited for the date.

eventually, everyone's in the middle of the amusement park with sana and yourself waiting for them in casual clothes. you shift a little as you recall the way you had her gasping into your mouth and your hand up the blue polo shirt she’s wearing on screen only 20 minutes after the introduction and everyone had split off.

in the meantime, while the cameras were running around frantically trying to find sana, they had filled in the gaps with clips of the other contestants, you laugh when momo is practically dragged onto a rollercoaster by jihyo and jun, she’s kicking and screaming but they manage to strap her in and gesture for the roller coaster attendant to go. its one of those really fast ones where it goes from 0 to 100 in seconds so the force pushes all of them back against the seats, poor momo barely has the time to blink and then its over. she’s gasping with her eyes clenched shut while the other two are laughing and pulling her off and along to the next ride.

it’s great being able to watch what happened when you weren’t on screen, and also what sana was up to when you weren’t with her.

you laugh when they show all the contestants clambering onto the carousel, you had all taken some group pictures and some of them were more than silly.

eventually, you get to the rose ceremony, and just as you were on the night, your breath is taken away again with sana in a stunning red dress. she really nailed being on camera, her face was one that was meant to be on screen.

the night starts merrily, everyone's more of a family now, you’re all happy to drink and talk together, and it wasn’t so competitive to get time with sana anymore because there were less contestants.

you frown a little though when the camera shifts to sana and jihyo, they’re sitting very close in one of the more private rooms inside the house.

jihyo’s playing a joke and sana’s laughing, a little flushed, probably from the alcohol as she slaps jihyo’s arm lightheartedly. jihyo preens at the attention, grabbing another drink and offering it to sana who accepts it gratefully and takes a sip.

she hums in satisfaction before speaking up, “so you never did tell me how you broke up with that gym rat…”

jihyo’s laughing a little nervously, twiddling her thumbs a little, “right yeah… i just realised that i made the wrong decision. i was caught up in the newness of everything with him but after that got old, i realised i still loved-“

sana’s eyebrows are shooting up, she’s setting down her drink and clearing her throat.

“sorry.” jihyo flashes an apologetic look over at sana, but sana shakes her head.

“no no it’s okay. be as honest as you can, please. we’re both here because we’re looking for a relationship right? can’t do that if we have any skeletons still in the closet.”

jihyo’s smiling gratefully and then continuing, “he wasn’t it for me. that’s why i broke up with him. i’m sorry for the way i treated you sana, you didn’t deserve that, you never did anything wrong in our relationship and i never really gave you a reason to why we broke up. i hoped by coming on here i may be able to win back a second chance.”

sana hums again, taking a moment to think while jihyo nervously looks at her with wide eyes.

“jihyo… you hurt me a lot when you left.”

“i know! and i’m so so sorry for that! i never want to do that to you again, all i’m asking for is another chance sana.”

she’s shuffling closer, grabbing sana’s hands tightly and imploring with her eyes.

sana looks down at their hands together, taking a breath before looking back up, "look... i'm not going to lie to you... i never really did get over you completely."

what?

"and i wouldn't have kept you in here for this long if i wasn't curious about what you had to say and if i wasn't ready to give you a second chance."

what the actual fuck?

"it wouldn't be fair though. to the other contestants, y'know? if they knew you had a head start. and i admit i was avoiding you a little because i wanted to even the playing field and get to know everyone else first before revisiting this." she makes a gesture with her hands, signaling between the two of them. "so its nice to finally be able to sit down and get a clear answer about what happened in the past."

jihyo looks more and more hopeful as sana goes on, your hands only get tighter around the fabric of your pants. sana didn't tell you about this conversation last night. sana hasn't mentioned anything jihyo related. whenever you ask, she's always managed to change the conversation or misdirect you with the promise of sex. was this why? is this how she really felt about jihyo? did she think you would disapprove? well you do disapprove but that was besides the point.

all of the other contestants don't seem too shocked with this news. it's not too surprising though because they've all lived with jihyo and the one thing they all have in common is sana so there's no doubt they've all discussed each other's feelings for sana, and jihyo probably told them their history as well.

you're fuming though. you can't believe sana didn't tell you something this important. that you're finding this out along with the rest of the country when you were meant to be her best friend here, the one person who was supposed to know everything before everyone.

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

the rest of the afternoon goes by in a blur. you can vaguely tell when someone comes up to you and tries to initiate or bring you into the conversation but your mind is swirling with information about sana and jihyo, their past interactions, whether you could decipher any of sana's feelings from observing her.

eventually, it's time for the rose ceremony again and you're still in your head about everything you thought you knew happened yesterday.

you have half the mind to pull sana aside and ask her about it but when you meet sana's eyes, she squints a little and looks away quickly with signs of a pout in her lip.

the night continues like this, the two of you stealing glances at each other only when you think the other isn't looking. when sana starts pulling jihyo aside though, you don't care if she sees the look of disbelief on your face, she doesn't seem to notice anyway, all cozied up to jihyo.

you're averting your head again and downing the rest of your drink in one gulp.

when it's time to read out who gets a rose and who's going home, you're stiff standing next to sana, she's purposely avoiding your gaze as well. the tension between you two was so thick jiwon had come up and asked if something had happened between you two. and technically nothing did happen so you don't really know why sana seems to be angry with you when you were the one who was hurt by yesterday's episode.

the ceremony is brief, you have to say goodbye to jun, and eunji unfortunately but you can barely give them a proper hug as you stare at jihyo who's now made the final four.

after your goodbyes you quickly make your way towards the car, tapping your foot impatiently while waiting for sana to finish saying her goodbyes so you could both go home.

unfortunately, that takes another 20 minutes and you're just about to tell the driver to leave without her when she's sliding into the car, still avoiding your gaze and sitting on the opposite end of the car. normally she's all over you, needing affection after a big day but now you're pretty sure if she moved any further away she'd be falling out the window.

that was fine though. it’s not like you wanted to have an argument with her while the driver could hear you anyway.

the car’s pulling in and she’s opening her door and stalking inside the house without even a second glance towards you.

what the fuck? why was she mad at you now?

you feel almost childish copying her actions and making sure to slam the door on the way in, but if she was acting like this for no reason that only infuriated you more.

you find her in the kitchen, tapping her foot impatiently and waiting for you to come in.

once you’re standing on opposite sides of the counter, you cross your arms and still. she’s leaning on the counter with her hands, staring you down. there was no way you were going to be the first to break. she was the one who had some explaining to do right now, not you.

sana's stubborn as well though, lips pursed and not backing down.

it goes on like this for a few minutes before you finally break, raising an eyebrow and asking coldly, "so do you have anything you want to say to me sana?"

sana scoffs, the tips of her ears red, "do you have anything you want to say y/n?"

"what? no! i don't even know why you're being like this right now! i'm the one who's been left in the dark here."

"oh you're the one who's been left in the dark huh? unbelievable that you're still lying to my face about this. is that how you really feel about her?"

"excuse me?! it doesn't matter how i feel about her! the whole issue is how you've been dealing with this situation!"

sana sneers, your voices getting louder and louder trying to top each other, "this again? seriously y/n? i'm my own person and i'm allowed to have opinions on who i like and who i don't like! if she's being weird or sneaky or whatever i'm going to call her out on it!"

you scoff, "yeah right. like you called her out on it last night? and tonight as well i bet. why did you take so long saying your goodbyes huh?"

sana goes beet red and you think you've got her, "what?! what are you talking about?! and i stayed behind to say proper goodbyes to everyone! not like you apparently who couldn't care less, you barely talked to anyone tonight, when jun, and eunji, who was one of your closest friends here right?! when they had to leave you didn't even look them in the eye when they hugged you!"

"riiiiiiiiiight and you expect me to believe that? you weren't cuddling up and getting a quickie in before you had to go right?"

"what?! what are you talking about y/n?! quickie- what?"

"with jihyo! you stayed behind to talk to her didn't you!?"

"what?! well yeah i did but what does jihyo have to do with any of this?"

"what?! i've been talking about jihyo this whole time what do you mean?"

she's slipping something out of her suit pocket and sliding it across the counter to you. your phone.

"are you fucking serious y/n? you've been talking about jihyo this whole time? what the fuck? why the fuck are you suddenly bringing her up? you're the one who's been going behind my back getting all flirty and friendly with miyeon! after you told me you were just friends?! calling each other babe and sweetie and honey in your texts, how the fuck did you even get her number anyway? how long have you been talking to her huh? how long have you been fucking me while talking to someone else?"

you're scrambling for your phone, unlocking it and scrolling to your messages with miyeon. fuck. sana must have read everything. you don't even remember leaving your phone behind but it must have been with her since the morning. you scroll down the texts and see the most recent messages miyeon has texted you today and you find that sana has been replying to her.

"are you serious sana?! why the fuck did you go through my phone?"

sana turns her head at that, pouting a little, "i didn't mean to! she just kept on texting and i thought it must have been something important if your phone kept going off so i just went in to make sure everything was okay! how was i supposed to know you were basically sexting her behind my back!?"

"we were not sexting oh my god sana! miyeon is my friend we're just friends!"

"why have you been keeping this from me then?! you must like her or something then don't you?!"

"what?! no! and don't talk to me about keeping secrets right now sana!"

"what secrets have i kept from you?!"

"hello?!" you're waving your hands around frantically, "the whole jihyo situation?! why didn't you tell me you never got over her?"

"i never got over- what?!"

"you said so last night! on national fucking television! don't play dumb with me right now sana, and don't try and change the topic on me!"

"i never said that! are you being serious right now? jihyo and i split and it took me a while but you were there for it all! you saw me at my lowest and you helped build me back up! i am over her!"

"why is she in the final four then?"

"oh my god y/n you cannot seriously still be talking about jihyo! i'm over her! the producers wanted her to make it to the final four because they thought they could add some drama in during the home visits or whatever! jihyo and i talked about it last night and i told her why she was still here because i didn't want to keep leading her on! that's why i stayed for longer after the rose ceremony, i just wanted to check on her and make sure she was okay with all of this because i still care about her! i loved her at one point in my life!"

"that's not what i saw in last night's episode!"

"what?!"

"yeah! you and jihyo were all close and snuggly and she told you she still loved you and you said you were going to give her a second chance!"

"y/n i never said any of that." the rage has lifted slightly now, replaced with confusion.

you're breathing heavily, tired from arguing, you and sana had more fights these few weeks that you've been filming than you've had your entire lives together.

you tap out of your messaging app, going to tiktok and searching up last night's bachelorette episode, scrolling past all the funny jacky moments and amusement park shorts, trying to find the part where jihyo and sana were talking. someone had to have posted about it.

"are you serious right now? are you fucking texting miyeon while we're talking?"

"what?! no! sana i told you miyeon and i are just friends! i'm trying to find a clip of you and jihyo last night to show you what i'm talking about!" you find one then and quickly hold it out for sana to see.

she watches the clip replay a few times while you wait defiantly.

after the seventh replay you take your phone back, sighing when you think she has nothing to say for herself.

“y/n…”

“want to explain yourself now? anything else you wanna divulge while you’re at it?”

“what? no y/n i didn’t say any of that. they edited that together. i didn’t say any of that to jihyo i promise.”

you look at her in confusion, looking back to your phone, and then back to her.

“i did pull jihyo aside and we did talk but i never told her that i didn't get over her. y/n you have to believe me baby i- i can call the producers right now, they'll clear everything up." she's reaching for her phone, but the immense relief that she doesn't still have feelings for jihyo washes over you and brings you to action. moving around the counter and taking her phone from her and wrapping her in a hug.

she stills against you, and you're both surprised when you feel your own tears falling down your face, the tension of the night finally getting to you.

"y/n..."

"i'm sorry. i'm sorry i do believe you. this all seems so silly now i hate when we fight. i overreacted with the whole jihyo thing and it could've been solved so easily if i'd just talked to you instead of..."

sana softens against you, wrapping her arms around your waist and carding a hand through your hair. "it's okay baby. i'll talk to the producers tomorrow and make sure they don't pull anything like that again. and after the home visits i promise jihyo is the one who'll be going home."

you sniffle a little, "you don't have to do that for me sana. i swear i was just being..."

"hmm?"

"i don't know i'm tired sana. can we go to bed?"

she hums against you, pulling you both towards the bathroom for your nighttime routines. once you're done, you're climbing into sana's bed and picking up your phone again, scrolling back to your messages with miyeon while waiting for sana to finish her routine and join you.

y/n: heyy sorry i just got my phone back, sana's had it the last few hours because i left it behind so if i seemed weird over text it's because she was messaging you

miyeon: oh it's okay! i did think you sounded a bit off but i just chalked it up to u not feeling well or something. was sana mad when she found out we were texting?

y/n: 😂 how did you know?

miyeon: well i was on the receiving end of her jealousy when she texted me today so that was one clue 😂

y/n: jealousy?

suddenly your phone starts vibrating and miyeon's name flashes across the screen. you pick up hesitantly, "hello?"

"y/n! hey! it's good to actually hear your voice again!"

you chuckle a little, "you too princess. what's up?"

"nothing really, i just wanted to see where your head's at with sana now."

"what do you mean?"

"remember the conversation we had the night i got kicked out? while you were drunk?"

you squint a little, shuffling around in the sheets, "kinda... why?"

"i noticed the way you looked at her, the way you talked about her, even on the first night i think the reason why no one suspected that you weren't just a regular contestant was because i thought, we all thought you also felt the same way we did for sana."

"w-what?"

"you might not have realised it... but i think you were beginning to see it when filming started. do you get jealous when you see sana with the other contestants?"

"i- well- i mean i kinda just thought i was friend jealous though. or like that i just wanted the best for her which was why i was so harsh on contestants in the beginning."

"the way you talk about her over text sounds like its more than that y/n."

"i don't- what- i'm not jealous-"

you barely register that sana's finished with her routine now, sliding into bed next to you and cuddling up immediately. "what are you jealous about?"

you freeze, looking at her like you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar in the middle of the night.

"is that sana?" you're broken out of it quickly when you hear miyeon's voice over the phone.

sana bristles though, moving away from you and frowning, "are you on the phone with miyeon?"

"i- yeah-"

sana's snatching the phone out of your hand instantly, bringing it up to her ear and speaking into the microphone with a cold sneer, "yes this is sana. can i help you?"

you can't hear miyeon respond but the way sana's speaking sends a lightning rod of arousal down your spine. your mind is still hazy with what miyeon's suggested, and you're thinking about how you hated seeing sana kiss wonsik, how blinded you felt when you thought sana still liked jihyo, what could this mean? how long have you liked sana for? has it always been this way?

you don't realise that sana's features have become less defensive as she talks to miyeon, almost apologetic even when she settles back down next to you, humming in response to something miyeon's said over the phone. she's within proximity again that you can make out miyeon's voice.

"-but i hope you've been doing well and taking care of yourself with all the craziness that comes along with filming."

"yeah thank you miyeon. really. and again i'm so sorry for all the misunderstandings and i hope you know that eliminating you was definitely a mistake and it was very short-sighted of me but i'm glad that we've finally had a chance to talk where i'm not completely hostile to you."

you can hear the airy giggle of miyeon over the phone, "of course! all the best with the rest of the season sana. maybe we'll see each other on the other side."

sana smiles, "definitely. goodnight miyeon!"

she hangs up and hands your phone back to you, going right back to cuddling as if nothing had happened.

you're trying to pick out what part of that conversation that you overheard bothered you when it hits. "eliminating miyeon was a mistake?" was this the jealousy again?

"weren't you the one saying that?" sana raises an eyebrow at you, brushing her fingers over your side.

"well- i-"

she's giggling now, "i'm just kidding. miyeon just put to rest everything that was on my mind so i have nothing to worry about. i'm sorry for overreacting when i found out you were texting her. you're allowed to have friends, sorry i was trying to micromanage that."

"what was on your mind?"

"hmm y'know... you mostly."

you whine, hitting her lightly while she laughs at you.

"she told me you were just friends and she never meant to make it seem like it was anything else. she also helped me... come to terms with a few things so i'm actually very grateful for that."

"what things?"

"so many questions y/n. are you worried i'm about to steal her away from you?" sana teases.

"what? no! stop teasing-"

she grins, poking your cheek, "i'm keeping that to myself for now okay? i'll probably tell you one day. just not today."

"why not?"

"just because." she smiles, "now let's sleep."

you grumble a little, confused at what miyeon could have told sana, confused with what miyeon told you. there was one thing you did want to test out though...

you lean in quickly and capture sana's lips, taking her a little by surprise but she's quick to reciprocate, closing her eyes and kissing you back.

you're aggressive, climbing on top of her quickly and licking into her. you're trying to figure out if kissing her made you feel anything more. anything that could clue you in on your true feelings for her.

she's breaking away from you panting though, pushing you back slightly when you try to chase after her again, "woah y/n baby baby slow down- what's got you all in a rush?"

your eyes are dark as you look down at her, friends don't normally feel like the world would end if they stopped kissing right? you needed to be back on her, in her, needed to feel her around you, needed to taste her, needed to memorise every single sound she made, you needed her. that was more than just lust right?

"just- just need you please-" you're leaning back in, almost begging.

"no- no y/n stop. tell me what's going on, you're not normally like this."

you groan, head falling to her shoulder, slumping against her. "something stupid miyeon said..." you mumble into her shoulder.

"what did she say?"

you huff against her, "that i had feelings for you."

you hear the gasp sana lets out, her hands at your waist tightening their hold and you groan into her, grinding down a little at the feeling.

she stills you though, hands sliding down to grip your hips, "stop that." her voice is harsh, and you're reminded of the way she talked to miyeon over the phone, all cold and annoyed. it only makes you drip more at the tone of her voice and you whimper a little.

"do you?"

"do i what?" you're distracted, wanting only to kiss her again.

"do you have feelings for me?"

you sigh, "don't know- that's what i'm trying to figure out."

"how are you trying to figure it out?"

"kissing you. touching you. seeing if all of it made me feel something more."

"something more?"

"i don't know. something other than horny."

sana hums before finally loosening her grip. "okay. try it. just promise me you'll tell me what you think afterwards?"

you're quick to latch onto her lips again, mumbling yes and thank you into her.

she bucks her hips up against you and you moan. she was finally giving into her feelings and letting you do what you wanted, expressing herself freely.

“can you- mmf- can you-“

“what what is it baby? what do you need?”

“can you- be mad at me?”

she’s kissing down your neck, nipping slightly as you grind down into her, “i’m not mad at you. we talked about this just then baby.”

“no- i need- can you pretend to be mad?”

she’s licking up to your ear, “i don’t understand baby. can you elaborate?”

“f-fuck sana- can you- just imagine i did like miyeon and i wanted to fuck her-“

you’re scared you said the wrong thing and ruined the mood when she stills under you. then all of a sudden she’s rolling you over and straddling your hips, lips and teeth back at the sensitive parts on your neck. “you like it when i’m mad?”

“g-god yes sana please-“

“whore. you want me to mark you up? make sure everyone knows your mine? mine to ruin?”

“yes yes sana please-“

you moan when you feel her sucking at your collarbone, intending on doing exactly that.

"off." her hands are at the bottom of your shirt tugging, and you scramble up, almost knocking your forehead against hers in haste, you'd laugh but you were so pent up you couldn't think about anything other than her fucking you all night long.

her hands are cold when she slides them up your stomach, cupping your tits and you shiver at the feeling.

"trying to piss me off on purpose bringing up her name into this hm? after we just made up too." she squeezes and you gasp into her, nipples hard against her palms as she runs a thumb over the tip.

"think my pretty baby's going to come for anyone else?" she circles a nipple leaving you twitching, "i'm going to ruin you so that everytime you even come close to coming in the future, you'll only be able to think about me."

she's licking a trail down the middle of your chest, before sucking marks into the sides of your breasts, avoiding your nipples, only tracing them lightly with the tip of her thumb.

you're squirming around under her, begging and crying, eyes clenched shut, hand drifting down towards your folds, trying to alleviate some of the pressure that's built up.

she snatches your hand quickly and pins it above your head, "don't even fucking think about it."

you whine under her, trying to pull away from her grip but she has you completely under her control.

"don't do that baby. you asked for this didn't you? you're going to be a good girl and take it now." her lips come back down on your other tit, sucking and licking again, you're grinding up into nothing, stuck with the feeling of your own sticky arousal.

"p-please sana need- please- more-"

"what do you need baby? this?" she takes a nipple into her mouth then, sucking gently and flicking over it with her tongue, then popping it out of her mouth, "or this?" a hand trails lower, thumbing the waistband of your pyjama bottoms. "maybe this?" a knee comes up then, pressing right where you need her most and you’re moaning against her.

"g-god sana- fuck- all- all of it- god i need all of it-"

"be more specific sweetie. you can do it. c'mon now."

"f-fuck need you to fuck me like you said you would. need to feel your fingers inside me, your mouth wrapped around my clit, your hands gripping my ass so hard it'll leave behind handprints. just need you sana please- please-"

"mmm that's a good girl. begging for me like the slut you are. because you were so pretty i'll give you that. but you gotta talk me through it okay? if you stop i'll stop and i'm going to go fuck myself in your bed and leave you here for the rest of the night."

you whimper, nodding your head.

"words baby."

"yes, yes yes god please just-"

she smirks and then she's back at your nipples, fully sucking on them now and pulling your bottoms off along with your panties, immediately swiping a finger through your wetness. the sudden change from feeling nothing to feeling everything be stimulated was almost too much but also exactly what you needed.

"god sana please- inside- need you inside."

she's pushing one finger in and you feel yourself clench around her, already so close, desperate for her. suddenly you're remembering your actual task, but before you can formulate another thought she's pulling out and thrusting back in with another finger.

"god you're so wet for me baby. how long have you been thinking about this hm?"

"i- fuck- i'm never not thinking about you sana."

sana hums, keeping a slow, languid pace, "is that helping with your little mission tonight?"

"i- w- fuck sana faster please-"

"answer the question first."

"f-fuck i- i don't know- i c-can't think- please-"

she's pulling out and removing herself from you so that none of your skin is touching anymore.

"now? now can you think?"

"sana please fuck- yes! yes it's helping everything is helping please just need you back-" you're making grabby hands at her, trying to pull her back so you can feel her against you again.

she obliges, pushing back into you and humming, "that's a good girl."

"thank you- god sana- thank you- mm fuck thank you-" you're babbling, barely making sense when she speeds up, curling her fingers inside you just the way she knows you like, and rubbing her thumb along your clit each thrust inside.

soon enough, you're coming around her, her name and curses spilling out of your mouth but she's not done. she's crawling down your body, marking almost every inch of skin she can get her mouth on, and then latching onto your clit and sucking, fingers still pounding into you.

"f-fuck! sana! 's too much! f-fuck-"

she only hums against you, the vibrations against your clit only tightening the coil in your belly once more and the overstimulation is too much and you feel yourself coming again.

she's pulling out and you think she's finished but she flips you onto your stomach, slipping a pillow under you to lift your ass up, hands gripping the cheeks and spreading them apart, just like how you had begged her to. but then her fingers are prodding at your entrance again and she slides in, and this angle is so much deeper and you cry out, muffled against the sheets, trying to squirm away from her but she's got your ass right where she wants you.

she's leaning down, pushing in and out of you again, you can feel her chest against your back, the fact that she's still wearing her top fleetingly crosses your mind but you can still feel her hardened nipples against your skin, you arch back into her.

"my baby's not done yet. you're going to give me another one. and another one. until you've finished your little experiment right?"

you're sobbing into the sheets, the delightful mixture of pleasure and pain running through your body, your hyperaware of every single movement, every single place your skin touches, every breath she takes as she ruts her fingers into you.

you feel your third orgasm coming up when a hand is snaking a way back up your body, pinching roughly at your nipples before closing around your throat. you gulp and clench even harder around her fingers when she squeezes her hand lightly, moaning your approval.

"yeah? you like that slut?"

"y-yes o-oh god fuck- sana- fuck-"

she's squeezing tighter now and the pressure is perfect, the lightheadedness from the cutoff of oxygen combined with the overstimulation and you're coming again, thrashing into her as she releases you slowly, heaving in air as specks of black dot your vision.

you feel almost numb when she slides the pillow out from under you, turning you slightly so she can kiss you gently, and you moan at the taste of yourself on her tongue.

she's slipping a leg between yours when you realise that she's taken off her bottoms, and you gasp when the feeling of her wetness glides against your clit.

you whimper against her lips, "sana..."

"shhhh baby one more."

you're helpless against her, whining and pushing yourself into her, relishing the way her breath catches and she moans when your clits drag along each other. she's got one hand at your tit again, pinching a nipple and you need to feel more of her so you slide a hand up her top, grasping at her breast and moaning when she rocks against you just a little harder at the feeling.

your lips never leave each other, even when you're so blissed out you're just panting into her mouth, rutting against her. you're not even thinking straight when you mumble the words, slurred together and mixed with curses, but sana still catches it. "i love you."

she stops immediately, leaving you humping her like a dog, panting into her wondering why she's stopped.

she's gripping your hips, stilling you, eyes wide, "what did you just say?"

"i love you sana fuck- please- please let me come again please-"

her eyes study you, half-dazed, and then suddenly she's rutting against you again, your hands tighten around her tits just to be able to hold onto something because she's pushing against you and you're so close and her hands are basically moving your hips against hers without you even doing anything, she's moaning into your mouth, caught in her own pleasure and it's all too much when you feel her tighten her legs around you, coming with a whine and shaking, you come again, eyes closing and feeling the wave of pleasure wash over your body, twitching lightly against her in the aftershock.

when you pull apart your legs are sticky and filthy and hers aren't much better, stained with your essence, you can't even open your eyes, just letting her plant light kisses across your face and neck, holding her against you and learning to breathe again.

when she kisses your eyelids you manage to peek open, staring at her in wonder.

"did you mean it?" her eyebrows are slightly furrowed, hair sticking to her forehead, bottom lip protruding a little in a pout.

you were overcome with pleasure and overstimulation, but you remember everything you said. "i did. i love you. i'm sorry it took this long to realise it."

she sighs, eyes tearing up, "i love you too idiot."

"what about the season?"

"we'll figure that out later. let me clean you up and we can cuddle and sleep?"

you hum, whining when she leaves you to grab a damp towel, missing her warmth already. it felt painful to be without her. every second you spent apart, you were thinking about her, you can't help but laugh at how stupid you've been. you've been in love with sana for the better half of your life, you were determined to make it up to her. to show her just how much you loved her. just how much you needed her in your life.

you smile happily when she comes back, bringing her into a sweet kiss and letting her wipe at your legs. you were so, utterly, in love with her, and you finally realised it.

#sana #twice sana #minatozaki sana #sana x reader #twice x reader #sana imagines #twice imagines #sana smut #twice smut #sana x f!reader #sana x fem!reader #twice x f!reader #twice x fem!reader #dovveri

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emeryhiro · 8 months ago

Text

My thoughts on The Book Of Carol Episode 1

-Spoiler-free edition-

I know that some information about what was discussed during the panel has already been posted online, but I personally will try my best to refrain from posting about it since that was what was requested before the episode showing, and the panel.

Setting the tone for the rest of season 2

Firstly, Episode 1 immediately starts the season with huge emotional implications, primarily focusing on Carol and her current mindset. I truly believe that if they keep at this pace, we will have Daryl and Carol on an even field within the spinoff by the end of season 2.

Over the seasons of the main show, we got the chance to see so many layers of Carol, but since the screen time on that show had to be shared with so many other characters, we never got to go as far into Carol's mindset as we wanted to. But after watching this episode, I now know beyond a doubt that Melissa has the talent and Carol has the depth to be a brilliant leading character. She can fill an entire episode with her storyline, and there would not be a dull moment; on the contrary, during the showing, I constantly had chills because of the absolute power of Melissa's performance.

Storyline split ratio

As Norman has already said, The Book Of Carol will not be an exact 50/50 split between Daryl and Carol. There will naturally be slightly more of a focus on Carol, which I found was already so evident in Episode 1. The heavier focus on Carol was done beautifully, and like I said earlier Melissa fulfilled the role of a leading character so perfectly that I couldn't help but be a little disappointed whenever I saw that a scene had changed away from her.

Carol's mindset

Carol's mindset and emotional state had me in a chokehold this episode; I don't think there was a single scene between Carol & Ash that didn't bring me to tears or leave me with chills. As Melissa mentioned in her behind-the-scenes interview for Daryl Dixon episode 6, Carol's journey is about her mindset and how she needs to know that her friend is okay.

This theme is already heavily touched on in episode one and delivered in a way that brought me to tears repeatedly. They utilised a few vital flashbacks and some moments where we find Carol alone, going through some powerful emotional moments that opened old wounds and addressed certain things that were never fully resolved on the main show.

One of the most heartbreaking moments we see of Carol alone revolves around a song that Carol sings along with (to herself); even though the song itself has very simple lyrics, I immediately thought that it fully explains why Carol is prepared to do anything to get Daryl back.

Even before watching the episode, we knew that Carol would do anything for the ones she loves, but this current situation with Daryl truly asks more from her than anything she has ever done before. Still, there is no hesitation within her about how many lines she is willing to cross to find him again.

In all this Carol also showed some immense growth, especially in how she handled guilt and loss compared to her actions and mindset in season 10.

Daryl's change

This is mentioned in the new season's synopsis, so I no longer classify it as a spoiler. The synopsis stated that "Daryl struggles with his decision to stay in France" which appeared to be very true to me in episode 1.

I saw a colder, more aggressive, and mentally exhausted side to Daryl, which is evident in how he handles all his conversations with people from the Nest and how there seems to always be an slight undertone of resentment in his words that he is trying to hide.

Additionally, while watching season 1 of Daryl Dixon, I noticed that the longer Daryl is away from Carol, the more he regresses into his trauma. It's like all progress is being lost, and he's slowly turning back to his old ways, not standing up for himself and hiding in Merl's shadow.

Additional quick takeaways:

Ash is an angel and must be protected

Genet looked scary and really creeped me out at one point, which was really thrilling and showed the possibility of a really interesting villain for the season 2 arc

It appears that (according to Norman) we'll be getting more screen time with some of the other characters, like Sylvie and Losang

Some of the nest members' scenes evoked a sense of impending doom and eerieness, which suggests that there may be more to the Nest than meets the eye, with perhaps something sinister hiding within it.

This episode had gorgeous cinematography, which I personally liked more than season 1's, and I found that it felt richer too.

Episode 1 of TBOC is now, by far, my favourite episode from any of the spinoffs. It shows that when a show about Daryl and Carol is true to its characters, it becomes a natural success and a beautiful piece of the story.

Melissa's voice and influence are clear in how Carol's story is told in this episode. And Melissa herself seemed very proud of the work that had been done for season 2.

Norman teased one of his favourite upcoming scenes, which is of Daryl and Carol bickering like an old married couple, and Melissa teased about her favourite location where they slept and woke up surrounded by horses (I'm just imagining Norman waking up and immediately being terrified)

Melissa was absolutely glowing in person and exceeded any and every expectation that I may have had of her

Conclusion and final thoughts

If episode one is a good example on which to base my opinion, then I'd say that season 2 looks very promising, with the very likely possibility of surpassing the main series in ranking as my favourite show.

It has planted seeds to potentially resolve many of Caryl/Daryl's storylines that were left unresolved in the main series, in a way that's true to who Carol and Daryl are and how even we, as viewers, envisioned it should be.

And in Melissa's words from the panel:

"12 years of The Walking Dead, there was a lot unsaid... we picked some of the core issues and built on that"

All I gotta say to wrap this up is get excited!! The future of Caryl is looking bright!

~~~~

I have also written a full spoiler version of my thoughts, which goes into a further in-depth analysis of specific moments and their significance. However, I will post that once season 2, episode 1, is officially released in September.

#carol peletier #daryl dixon #the book of carol #caryl #caryl positivity #the walking dead #twd #twd spoilers #spoilers #CarylArchives

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mawinswag · 9 months ago

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DIGITAL CIRCUS JAX THEORY

MASSIVE SPOILERS OBVIOUSLY BUT HERE WE GO!!!

. Ok, are you good? Ok

So, as many have pointed out already, there’s a scene at the end of episode 2 [22:23] where after Caine kills gummigoo and sends him back to the canyon, that he fears he can’t know for certain who’s a human and who’s an NPC. So foreshadowing, reference to past events or wacky non-sequitur? Maybe none of them, but the possibility that one of the circus members is actually an NPC is obviously too tantalizing for me to pass up, and given events AFTER this scene I think it can only be Jax, and I’ve got a few pieces of evidence why.

The main crux of this whole thing is that Jax IS an NPC, but he’s the only one in the circus who KNOWS that and is absolutely desperate to make sure that no one finds that out.

Episode one! Small note to start out on, but literally the first thing we learn about Jax, the VERY FIRST thing he has to ask is if Pomni is an NPC or not. Narratively, he’s the person who introduces the CONCEPT of NPCs into this universe, not Ragatha - who tries to break in Pomni the most - or Kinger who seems the most knowledgeable about the circus as a concept. He’s also very intrigued at the concept of a new AI in episode 2 [02:49} Like, the fact that she popped up in the circus unexpectedly doesn’t tip him off that she’s a human character immediately. Which may be how HE was able to trick everyone into thinking he was a human instead of an NPC - possibly by sneaking back through a portal like Gummigoo did and hiding until the start of the next adventure.

He DOES mention knowing about the headsets like the other human characters, but there’s no reason he CAN’T know about that considering he’s not the latest person to enter the circus. Like, we have a GENERAL idea of who entered first, but that’s just the characters who are still around for the pilot - there’s a lot more considering how many bedroom doors there are. https://shorturl.at/asESX

So, generally, it’s Kinger, Ragatha, Jax/Gangle, Zooble, then Pomni. Now, how can I argue that Jax is an NPC when he has a canonical age? Not to mention, he’s got a canonical ‘appearance moment.’ Well, there are a few options. Option one is that - NPC or not - Jax HAS been here for a very long time, but rather than being a human, he was born inside the circus. He has a definite, APPEARANCE moment, but it's only implied that this is because of him ENTERING the circus proper - new NPCs appear in the big top all the time, i.e. the gloinks all the mannequins, etc.

But also, take those ages with a pinch of salt, considering a lot of it was about quelling shipping wars and stopping any discourse about characters being adults and all that lovely hellish nightmare stuff. I think goose had an idea in her head about which characters entered the circus FIRST for sure, but how much they’ve aged and WHETHER they’ve aged is its own question.

ALRIGHT! But enough about Tumblr asks, back to the pilot, I wanna note something that happens with Jax in particular more than any other performer in the circus. He’s the most apparent of the interstitial nature of the circus itself - and the most meta. This can range from him basically winking at the camera like in the pilot [8:37] but I think it’s a bit more than that. Jax in particular is more aware of being a CHARACTER in-universe than specifically being a character in an indie animated series.

After this moment in the pilot [19:58] where Jax says ‘ladies first’ to Gangle as if to be polite before promptly following that up with “no, wait, why would I say that,” indicates a few things to me. Jax is at the very least aware that he’s supposed to act a certain way, and realizes when he’s acting out of ‘character’ in this scene and course-corrects promptly. Again, could be a funny meta reference, but also it could be a hanging notion of the fact he literally WAS a character in-universe, an NPC with a pre-programmed personality and understanding of the world. He’s got this rigid understanding of how the characters are SUPPOSED to act and this comes up again in episode two when goading Gangle into driving the tanker over the rocks - saying she’s SUPPOSED to be ‘submissive and agreeable,’ [Episode 2, 7:24]. This sort of disconnect from how complicated people can be and his overall detachment and overstepping of peoples lives [NPC or otherwise] comes up a lot. He doesn’t really ‘get’ other people, WHICH DOESN’T AUTOMATICALLY MAKE A PERSON EVIL, I SHOULD PREFACE, and him not getting it doesn’t automatically make him more ‘robotic’ and thus an AI, but it does explain why he’s more emotionally distant than the other performers. Coming from someone who could’ve been programmed to behave a certain way, his confusion makes sense.

Now for that juicy stuff! One of the few moments where Jax isn’t in control of a situation is in the pilot, where he’s trying desperately to hide from an abstracted Kaufmo. Now yes, obviously this is a sign of his own instincts of self-preservation, but what interests me is how he seems the MOST bothered by the thought of Kaufmo than any other character. Like at [17:27] of the pilot where he sees a glitched gloink and immediately his eyes start darting around him as if he’s listening for threats. He even explicitly says at [19:19] that he’s “just here to hide from [Kaufmo]” and isn’t invested in the adventure at all. And yes it's a very interesting character moment, but how does it push us closer to him being an NPC. Well, it’s because he’s afraid of dying. When you compare how he reacts to Kaufmo to how RAGATHA reacts to him, there’s a comparative lack of fear with her. Like yeah, she’s scared of him, but she’s never convinced that she’s gonna die and even tells Pomni later that Caine will be able to fix her up no problem [14:52]. She’s scared because she CAN feel pain, [https://tinyurl.com/ye275884] but she can’t die, none of the performers can, Caine doesn’t kill Kaufmo when he abstracts, he just throws him in the cellar with the others. His mind is GONE, sure, but it’s not dead.

NPCs on the other hand, can ABSOLUTELY DIE. So if Jax is an NPC, then there’s a very good reason why he wouldn’t wanna even get CLOSE to Kaufmo in the pilot, because he’s not as durable as Ragatha is and there’s not gonna be an easy fix for him if he gets hurt.

Now, episode two has little sprinkles of Jaxs’ detachment all over it, but none of it explicitly points in the direction of him being an NPC until a partway through the episode. We do get a lot of him showing absolutely no value for the lives of those around him whether than being putting Gangle and Pomni thru the ringer or setting the people of Candy Canyon Kingdom up to be killed by the fudge, but the question is…why?

My answer is; he’s AM from ‘I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.’ Uhmm, what? Yup that’s right. Ok so it’s no secret that IHNMAIMS was a big inspiration for TADC [https://shorturl.at/hnsFV] and while Caine obviously got the most of this influence with him being a godlike AI who only has control over a bunch of sad, sappy humans, some of which he throws into a giant abominable melting goop monster of human suffering, but if you look at Caine's inspirations [AM from IHNMAIMS] you’ll find that the same motivations more than drive Jax under this theories' interpretation of events. Simply put, AM, a war machine, gains sentience and absolutely despises humanity because DESPITE that sentience, he is absolutely powerless to do anything meaningful with it except torture a group of humans. He’s painfully aware of his own sentience and hates all humanity for creating him, is the gist.

My interpretation is that while Caine has the thematics, Jax has the motivation. In this theory, at some point Jax was an NPC and gained a sentience of his own either through a quirk of programming, intentional design, or AI learning. He realizes that he can keep himself alive if he pretends to be a performer, because he learns that Caine can’t affect the minds or actions of the real humans in his realm. He’s sapient, but he’s in this uncomfortable position where he’s not immortal like the performers, but completely aware of his own mortality unlike the other NPCs, and fully cognizant of the fact he can’t be brought back as he is. Yeah…that’d make someone bitter for sure.

So he psychologically torments the other performers because he knows they can’t die, but can go insane - while killing indiscriminately any NPCs he can because he knows they can die, and he won’t face any consequences for it. He’s this twisted death spiral of a being who finds his own existence an agonizing paradox and takes that pain out on the people around him for all eternity basically - finding disappointment in being unable to act out these pent-up emotions [TADC ep 2: 20:50] and seeing Kaufmo’s funeral as a painful reminder of an ending he can never have. Or maybe he’s bitter because he knows Kaufmo isn’t really dead in a way that HE can die, and finds personal distaste with the funeral on principle. Frankly, there’s a whole HOST of ways you could interpret this scene at the end of episode two with this framework, and I encourage y’all to find your own!!!!

#the amazing digital circus #tadc jax #tadc caine #tadc theory #tadc pomni #tadc zooble #tadc gangle #tadc kinger #tadc ragatha #tadc kaufmo #i have no mouth and i must scream #gooseworx

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helloholakonnichiwa · 4 months ago

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jesus 😭

bear with me this is likely just word vomit it’s like midnight and i’m running on hot chocolate and a tadc high

I LOVED Zooble in this episode! I’d never given them much thought before, but this is definitely making me reconsider.

I love Caine, he’s my favourite character, but I definitely can’t blame Zooble and the rest of the cast for being so frustrated with him. I mean, he is a self-proclaimed ‘war-criminal.’ However, Zooble is definitely the one most open about their dislike towards Caine. We never got much of an explanation beforehand, besides them being rather blunt and edgy, but Ep3 shows us how they told Caine about their worries before - multiple times in fact - but he had always forgotten them. We don’t know if he forced them to as he did in this ep, but either way it must be frustrating for someone to put so much effort into trying to understand you, before immediately forgetting (and drawing bees while you talk).

I also love how the show shows (hah) the impact of the whole body change thing. I mean, imagine not only being transported to a whole different plane of existence and losing all memories of your life and identity, but also being forced into a body that you know isn’t yours, but don’t quite know what would make it right. It’s even worse for Zooble, who technically doesn’t even have a fixed body in TADC since their body parts can be changed. There’s a chance that the characters’ new bodies could relate to their real life identities, but to Zooble it must feel like they’ve lost out on that.

Although I didn’t relate 100%, as a trans guy I did find myself understanding a lot of what Zooble said about bodies as well. ‘I just want to find something that feels… good.’ God, wow, going right for my heart there.

And then how the therapy session switches to Zooble being Caine’s therapist. This is either because Caine forced them, they realised that Caine’s mental instability and insecurities would damage the circus (what’s up with that btw?? feel like that’ll definitely come up more in the future) or they genuinely feel sorry for him. Assuming it’s one of the latter two options, it really shows that Zooble holds a lot more empathy than they would perhaps like to put on show (I mean option 2 also has a self-saving aspect, but yk).

Also also I love how their reaction to the adventures and generally being in the circus differs from the others. Pomni has constant freak outs but still lets herself be forced into doing everything; Jax acts all tough and sarcastic; Kinger literally went crazy; Ragatha pretends that she’s ok and focuses on supporting the others, but it’s evident that she is really, really struggling; and Gangle also tries to act happily, but her happiness is literally stolen from her not after long so she remains permanently weepy. Yet, they all go through these things during the adventures as well. Zooble simply avoids it all and shuts off.

So uhh conclusions?? Idk man I’m sleep deprived

#the amazing digital circus #tadc #tadc zooble #tadc episode 3 #aaaaaa #i love this episode #so much #i cried guys #this is what too many english language gcse paper 1 section a questions does to a guy

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scrumptiousstuffs · 4 days ago

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Hey, I've been following you for a long time now and I've never seen you complain or rant about literally anything but I genuinely wanted to ask your honest opinion about how you felt about episode 11 of thk like yes it was emotional but I'm asking you in terms of writing and directing side like Idk why it felt rushed and I'm a firstkhao fan so for me specially their scenes felt cut short with no problem dialogues given to them and that child intercepting them was it really needed?? It was the last 2nd episode more than that the whole day was really meaningful for them considering they will literally get to spend time together after 5 freaking years !! I know I'm sounding like a child complaining about such things but we have only an episode left and I feel like we still need 3-4 episodes considering the teaser they showed for the next episode!! Okay okay I'm done with my rant but really tell me how do you stay this positive regarding fk specially

Hello Anon, Welcome to my humble abode of me fangirling over FirstKhaotung, I guess? I am quite bemused that you (or anyone really) can follow my rambling mess.

Anyway, getting back to your asked – I can see you are somehow frustrated and perhaps a tad disappointed with the “lesser screen time” for KantBison compared to FadelStyle?

Writing and Directing for THK Ep 11 (and THK in general)

I won’t pretend I know anything about what is considered good screenwriting/script or directing. I will also admit that there are several things that I am puzzled by in THK. Certainly, there are some weak characterisations and general plot lines that sometimes doesn’t make sense. E.g – Captain Christ being able to promise only 5 years in prison sentence (my eyebrows shot up when he said that lol). And what about the whole Kant having Madam Lilly on tape doing villainy-stuffs – how? Did she really keep her own villainous act on tape – because I am assuming those evidence was the one Keen got for the boys at the beginning of the episode). Or perhaps we are just meant to use our media literacy skills and connect the dots that the tape is likely from Ruerat (which the brothers have successfully hidden him somewhere for the last few days until he is conveniently needed as a leeway for Captain Christ to “help” our besties). Plus, Captain Christ just letting Kant/Style getting away when they are complicit in helping our pair of hitmen.

So, like I say, plot holes. And let’s be honest, The Heart Killers as a series were never going to be an award-winning show per se (unlike P’Aof series that has now won his 3rd? consecutive best BL series in award shows. And judging from fan reactions of Gem4th upcoming series with him, he will have another winner on hand). But see, P’Aof shows have never quite hit the mark for me (I liked ATOS, Bad Buddy enough – we don’t speak about Last Twilight in my blog lol – as far as I am aware, that show ended in Ep 10).

However, what I am feeling when I watched Jojo’s series… is me being entertained every week (even when I am crying buckets in some scenes). And this is especially true with The Heart Killers. From the start, he has made it clear the genre is romantic comedy. He also made it clear the show is the “fantasy of how gay hitmen lives”. Just from that, I know the show will not take itself too seriously.

Plus, if you know P’ Jojo CVs, you kinda know what to expect with his series – and I will sum it up as expect the unexpected and plot twists. 3WBF – Jennie’ partner died at the end. OF – Sand kissing Nick/Top. So, I was prepared for anything when the official THK trailer drop. When I saw the BDSM scene for example – many people were disappointed it wasn’t a “true” BDSM scene. But I personally think it added to the narrative because it showed the distrust between the 2 of them. Of course, it will be amazing for us to have another scene that will show what a BDSM with 2 partner who trust each other will be like. However, I am already impressed by how Jojo (and FirstKhaotung) successfully introduced the concept of safe word/basic BDSM etiquette to the largely conservative Thai audience (and while THK won legions of international fans, I am again reminding people when directors/Thai production houses produced BL shows, it is first and foremost catered for Thai audiences). Or what about the way the safe word is later used in a different, non-sexual manner between KantBison – this to me, gives depth (and again, unexpected twist!) to the writing of the show.

As for Ep 11 specifically – I think there were again some parts that can be improved but overall, it is a wonderful episode that contrast beautifully between our 2 couples while also highlighting how our 4 boys have stayed true to their characters. If there is one thing I am impressed about the script, it is how our 4 main characters stayed true to their inner personality even as we see them blossom once they fall in love. You talked about how KantBison scenes appear truncated, and they didn’t have in depth “problems” dialogues when compared to FadelStyle scenes. See, part of the “problems dialogues” as you mentioned have already been addressed during their stay in Bison’s island – in fact, I will argue Ep 8-9 were particularly focusing on those – from Kant/Bison talking about their trauma and fear, their family members/ the past and what they wished for their futures. However, we didn’t get this from FadelStyle Ep 8-9 (their scenes took a comedic tone to off set the heaviness in KantBison scenes). By end of Ep 9, Fadel’s past remains a mystery (we don’t even know much about his parents/past beyond he had an ex, which he finally told Style about).

So, I am not surprised the scenes for Fadelstyle in Ep 10-11 appears “heavier” when compared to KantBison who are now largely on the same page. We still got amazing scenes like KantBison sweet date in the rock/space museum (and again them continuing to learn about each other – Bison is into astronomy while Kant loves history and archaeology – and isn’t it poetic one loves the sky & stars while the other is rooted to the ground?). The “almost proposal scene” was sweet and yes, it is slightly irritating we have our young interloper (Oskar, you are doing great honey!) killing the mood – I think Jojo meant it as the comedic tone to cut the heaviness in FadelStyle scenes who is finally opening up to Style about how he felt about himself (the self-loathing from Fadel, the way he calmly just told Style – ‘that’s my headstone when I die’ or him telling Style why he goes to the support group meetings etc.)

And it stays true to the boys’ nature – Kant choosing Bison’s date to be lighter and fun because out of the 4 of them, Bison is the more childlike and naïve (him being hitman doesn’t change that). Similarly, it stays true to Fadel’s nature that he chooses to bring Style to his pre-dug graveyard and support group place (or being more physical – like the paintball scene, which is also a nod to the scene in 10 Things I hate about You).

And let me bring even more parallel between the 2 couples:

KantBison heartfelt conversation when Bison talked about the MilkyWay followed by Kant saying he will name a star for Bison so that the latter will be reminded of him. While Bison then softly said he just wants to be in Kant’s heart followed by the scene of them exchanging tattoos (plus Kant saying – The story of you and me will be etched on my skin forever) – that is the equivalent of them exchanging wedding vows and rings (the rings being the penguin/puffins tattoos – did you know penguin/puffins mate for life? I only learn of this fact 😂, and I find it romantic the boys chose them as their matching tattoos. Plus penguin is the safe word for Kant, I’m sure he has also associated it with home)

Similarly, the FadelStyle scene of them cooking together (with Fadel professing he wants to do something he loves with Style) and them having their last dinner meal together through tears – with Style stating he will never forget the taste of the burger. Style narrating the things he will never forget about Fadel – from being shot on the run together to them kissing each other in the sea (doesn’t that read to you like wedding vows a spouse will say before saying “I do”?). Them feeding each other their burgers is the equivalent of them feeding each other wedding cake.

And while you didn’t specifically mention this, I am also very appreciative of the scenes we have of Kant and Style – it really highlights how they are not just besties, but also brothers. The way they beautifully cornered Lilly (Kant/Style looked flawless in those outfits) to them both finding ways to have the upper hand of Captain Christ as a backup plan (Style by making the fake passports while Kant staying true to his nature – slyly obtaining blackmailed material of the captain – and it’s quite telling isn’t it even with them asking for the Captain’s help, both of them instinctively do not trust him, hehe). Personally, my favourite scene for the whole episode is Style breaking apart in Kant’s arms while Kant is trying hard to hold it together when his heart is also shattered into pieces while their loves ones are taken to prison.

Teaser for Finale/Ep 12 and what I expect to see

Also, anon – we still have EP 12. Not only are we getting our unhinged besties volunteering in prison (unexpected twist by Jojo again!) – I am hoping we will have sex scenes from all 4 boys (or at least heavy make out scenes lol), but one of the assistant director that usually post BTS of the show actually mentioned there are so many BTS photos of FK he wants to put but he could only do so during the finale (which kind of hint that we are getting good scenes from them!)

Plus, Khaotung mentioned in the recent fanmeet, he/First will be slow dancing on stage (and don’t we have the BTS footage of our couples slow dancing in the series)?

Also, don’t forget, we still haven’t got the “sweet scene” of our boys (in their boxers) in Kant’s bed (both Jojo and First confirmed there is another scene on that bed)

Bonus if I can get actual proposals/weddings but otherwise, I will take what we have from Ep 11 as them being married, and they just need to make it official once they are out of prison.

As for your comment on THK will benefit from another 3-4 episodes – look, in general, I think most Thai BLs can benefit from more episodes (The Eclipse was meant to have 14 episodes but due to budget constraint, they had to make do with 12). That’s the reality, while the quality of Thai BLs are improving over time – compared to mainstream media in Thai (we won’t even mentioned Western media), the budgets for Thai BLs/queer media in general are limited. Even more so for the show that Jojo tends to produce. Did you realise his shows doesn’t have or very limited sponsors? (for example, we don’t see Lay chips/Oishi Teas or the boys blatantly putting on sunscreens to “promote” the sponsors of the shows?). And for that, I will forgive some inconsistencies, sloppiness and plot holes because they don’t have bottomless budgets.

***I am going to put here – when Cat for Cash starts airing – see people start complaining about the “ads/sponsors” being on blatant displays during the show when its those ads that supplement the budget for the show

Staying positive regarding FK (and BL world in general)

So, I’m not sure your last sentence has more meaning than just FK general presence in THK? Are you perhaps alluding to fans in Twitter crying war with how jobless FK is when compared to other GMTMV CPs? Or how they don’t have a reality TV show of their own? Or brand sponsorships? Or how Somsoms are not pulling their weight on trending on Twitter? (if you are, well – I have my own thoughts/views of this particular matter, which I am not going to elaborate in this ask).

But, if you are asking how I stay positive in general, I made a promise to myself – if I really dislikes something, I will give myself 24 hours before writing/saying anything I will regret🫣. And most of the time, the things I am angry about just seems trivial after that. I also block a lot of users who are just blatantly prejudice against Thai BL (ok, in general, GMMTV productions) – if you have been in the tumblr long enough, you will know a specific group that should not be named (they are my Voldemort) who prided themselves as unbiased “academics” and write long meta essays that frankly highlights their biases even more.

I also work in the medical field – and well, having to deal with anxious (sometimes very angry) patients/family members means I have abundance of patience (and when I ran out of them, I know it times for me take a holiday 😅)

Anyway, I am always reminded that we consume media for fun – don’t take things so seriously. And personally, FK being their lovely self on social media is enough to make me happy. They have never expressed any hatred/criticism towards their work/GMMTV. I also think it is quite telling that none of the Thai fans have mentioned any dissatisfaction with the scenes we have of FK or series, so far?

(Can’t resist putting up our KantBison pictures hehe)

#gosh this has turn to a long answer #please feel free to ignore #asked and answered #firstkhaotung #The heart killers #thk ep 11

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neuroticbookworm · 3 months ago

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Love in the Big City Part 2: Go Yeong and Umma

I was chased around, threatened, bullied and emotionally manipulated for months to write this piece, so @lurkingshan, this one's for you. *please release my family*

When I was reading the book, in Part 1, I remember being frustrated with Young as a narrator because of how standoffish he seemed with his descriptions of the people in his life (except Jaehee – Mi Ae in the show). I wanted to understand the emotional distance I felt in his words. And I got my answer in Part 2, where the relationship with his Umma was laid bare for us to see. The structure of this section was so smart, for it established the roots of his behavior in his childhood with Umma, and linked it to how it shaped the relationship he currently had with Hyung. Seeing it come to life on screen in the episodes this week was a treat to watch.

It becomes evident that Go Yeong’s relationship with his Umma is complicated as soon as we see them interact on screen. She is steadfastly religious, someone who believes that miracles can cure things that humans sometimes deem incurable, like cancer. We could easily infer from what we’ve seen of Go Yeong so far that she would not approve of his life.

Before I get into how her opinions and actions affect and influence Go Yeong, I wanna fully break down some of the objective facts we know about her:

She divorced her husband after he stepped out of their marriage and didn’t even have the courage to tell her about his infidelity

She is a single mother

She is an entrepreneur (in fact, we see her working from her bed in the hospital in multiple scenes)

She is religious and believes in the power of God

She is proud of her son

She loves her son

The last two points come with the biggest asterisks, because if she loves and feels pride for her son, how could she make him feel so alone? And now I shall try to explore this woman’s psyche to the best of my abilities, with a little bit of help from my personal experiences and therapy sessions I’ve paid money for over the years.

When we try to picture a homophobic parent, the image that our brain usually conjures up is often one-dimensional. (Note: This is NOT AN EXCUSE. I’m not trying to justify her actions. I am simply trying to understand why she did the things she did, by placing the context of the events of her life around them.) It is easier to process our emotions re: bad parents who hurt their children when we view their actions as simple. “They could’ve chosen not to do it and yet they did, so I hate them” is the conclusion that is the easiest to arrive at. That doesn’t make it untrue, but oftentimes, it is not the whole truth. Life is rarely, if ever, that simple, and our parents can truly love us while also rejecting fundamental parts of who we are, and never reconcile the two.

We see in the show the circumstances under which Yeom Eun Suk (Umma) finds out about her husband’s affair. She and little Go Yeong observe him from the sidelines, hidden, and see him smile like he had never done in all the time he had spent with them. We see Eun Suk feeling crushed by the implication that whatever love and happiness she thought she had had in her life with her husband was all potentially a farce. The fact that she chose to separate from him implies a couple of things: 1. She had strength and resourcefulness to provide for her son as a single mother in a restrictive patriarchal society like South Korea, and 2. She understood that staying in the unhappy marriage would only make her bitter and would affect her son more negatively than him growing up with a single parent.

She was brave enough to make those choices, and yet was still bound by her sense of propriety molded by society, and her faith. I’ve had a dynamic relationship with faith throughout my life, but I understood pretty quickly that questioning one’s faith is a particularly painful experience. Faith is supposed to be the solace one could turn to during trying times. When one is forced by circumstance to question their faith, it leaves them unmoored on the inside and further isolated on the outside. Eun Suk was already isolated to a certain degree by her divorce and her single motherhood. From what we learned in the book, there’s a history of cancer diagnoses in her family, so I would posit that she had been in Go Yeong’s shoes before, caring for her terminally ill parents in the past. Which is additional trauma from caregiving in her young adulthood that would’ve shaped her life. So I understand Eun Suk not questioning her faith when it was shaken.

She rebuilt her life and community by pursuing her faith—attending church, making friends who shared those values, and idolizing the Christian heteronormative lifestyle even after it failed her. She followed the rules dictated by her faith and community with utmost devotion, including building an entire business around heteronormative romance, in part because she had already transgressed by breaking up her own family and needed to prove she was not bucking that ideal or rejecting the church’s teachings with her choices. We see her take care of her appearance over and over when she is in the hospital after her first diagnosis and surgery, and it is yet another sign of her conformity and dedication to presenting a certain picture of her life. I understand why she would see her teenage son kissing a boy as a blemish on “a life deemed beautiful by God” and panic. I understand why she would think a psychiatric facility would help her son, and that it was her duty to try. (Note: once again, I am not justifying her actions, I am trying to understand them. Conversion therapy is deplorable and my heart goes out to everyone who has been subjected to it, including Go Yeong.) Eun Suk’s faith saved her by giving her purpose and community after her husband’s betrayal, but it also told her that her son, in his queerness, is fundamentally flawed. And like most people in this world, she chose not to rethink her entire life, and instead chose to believe that it is her duty to save her son from homosexuality and guide him to righteousness via the same path that saved her own life, ultimately traumatizing him. Hello, intergenerational trauma, my old friend!

@lurkingshan has already discussed the kdrama-fication of Part 2, with the increased intensity of Go Yeong’s romance with Hyung/Yeong Su. Expanding on that, I think the show’s depiction of Go Yeong’s relationship with his Umma rounded out the sharp edges of Young’s cynical tone from the book. We see her enjoy spending time with him. We see her joke around with him. We see her read her child with uncanny precision that mothers seem to have when she asked him “Why are you sulking like a child?”, when he was, in fact, sulking like a child. We see her observe and deduce that her son is probably seeing someone, and that someone is likely a man. Which then leads to her asking “Must I meet them?” when Go Yeong suggests a meeting with Yeong Su in the park. She runs from direct confrontation of her son’s sexuality, and yet diligently copies Bible verses, hoping for a miracle.

Eun Suk sees her son’s queerness as her own failure, and Go Yeong, in turn, sees his righteous anger towards his Umma, as his. She is so proud of him that she saves newspaper clippings of his achievements, but she is also ashamed that she couldn’t “save” him. She loves him within the confines of her faith. It’s not enough for Go Yeong, but it’s the best she can do; their relationship remains at an impossible impasse.

Yeong Su’s presence in this section is interesting because in addition to his primary role of serving as the broody, tortured creative who swept Go Yeong up in a whirlwind romance, he also serves as a parallel to Umma’s traits. When Yeong Su exclaims that “someone like [Go Yeong] couldn’t even imagine [his struggles]”, it rang eerily close to Umma telling her son “Don’t try too hard. Everyone must go sometimes”. The expression of disdain is the same, but in Yeong Su it reads hollow, as a pretentious assumption, while with Umma it registers as tired disappointment that Go Yeong would’ve surely felt as heavy as a boulder.

After finishing the book, I found myself going back to a particular paragraph:

...[I] was old enough to know that my mother did not exist solely to hinder my existence but was a person in her own right who had fought hard making her way through life. She just happened to be unlucky. In other words, the fact that our relationship had been so terrible was as natural as cancer or fungus or the rotation of our planet or sunspots. I knew this, but the feeling that she was the source of all my problems kept nagging at me. I kicked myself for thinking this about a dying person, someone who was only skin and bones at this point, but the thought refused to leave my mind.

It took me a long time to reach the acceptance Sang Young Park has put in words here. The fact that my trauma is an unfortunate byproduct of the life my parents had lived, and was not premeditated or fuelled by hate, was a hard and unfair pill to swallow. I want to grab Go Yeong and tell him that it is okay if he can’t ever forgive his Umma. Time will wash over his hurt and let him love her, even without the apology he deserves from his Umma. And I hope that, one day, he can learn to love the people in his life differently than the love he received from his mother.

#love in the big city #litbc book club #kdrama #korean bl

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silviakundera · 8 months ago

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The Double episode 26 spoilery comments

Jiang Daddy's claim to have Jiang Li's back lasted like 2.5 days. We see more evidence of his fair-weather support in the flashbacks, in which Jiang Li's mom had to step in to save the pregnant maid while he just watches. Everyone and anyone can be discarded. He'll step up for you big -- when yours is the winning side. That man is an excellent politicial animal for sure.

Justice for Aunt Hu!! The evil stepmom really has to ruin everything

That Zhou boy thinking he can play the game on this level is just pathetic. Always kill your enemies immediately. ALWAYS.

"Why are all of you forcing me?" the most despicable cdrama characters' refrain

The drama stays determined to humanize the selfish, short-sighted, and self-absorbed sister archetype that populates the most popular revenge webnovels.

Are they really gonna redeem Jiang Ruoyao? Curious to where this character goes. Is she truly going to find herself?

Duke Su finally managed a lil date with his crush without any favors

Her feeling so safe with him, free and easy to take a nap in his rooms with him sitting there (after she's just on the verge of sexual assault) speaks volumes. avalanches.

You just know A 'Li feels a hundred times more secure to rest at ease there than at the Jiang residence. She doesn't have a home yet but -- it's coming.

"Everywhere else is not comfortable, but the place you picked sure is not bad." ❤

THEY ARE GIVING ME THE PACEY WITTER SPECIAL (look I have residual shipper triggers, you cannot possibly understand the things that fire off in my brain at a quiet watching-your-crush-sleep scene like this)

We got the whistle from the novel !

btw can I comment that tons of cdramas have a FL with martial arts skills, so I don't have any issue with the drama not making FL perfect at everything - it's ok that she needs protection from immediate physical threats. She isn't a warrior. Her weapon is her brain and her persuasive eloquence.

Does Duke Su need to be in this episode? Well no, not objectively for plot reasons. But full applause to the screenwriter and director for understanding the assignment: this drama is so enjoyable to watch because it's paced to give the audience a succession of threat, conflict, resolution + shipper moment in 1 or 2 episode beats. ✔ ✔ ✔

#cdrama #the double #the double spoilers

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bonzos-number-1-fan · 5 months ago

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TMAGP 30 Thoughts: Concrete Evidence

Our finale is upon us. Albeit more of a slightly extended episode than it is double-length. It's more like 10 minutes longer than a standard episode and while I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing I do think it sort of sucks to set expectations and then not deliver on it. Especially when it was a Kickstarter stretch goal. I worry the epilogue is going to feel like the last 10 minutes sliced off of this one too. Either way it was a great episode all in all.

Spoilers for episode 30 below the cut.

This episode follows the classic late in a season episode formula. By which I mean lots of it is really explicit about what it means but some bits are the sort of thing I like to pull out and analyse. So a lot of the plot beats aren't things I need to cover but there are lots of quotes I do want to dig into. Starting with Sam and Celia on the train, which is a real culmination of Celia's general game plan so far. While it's made abundantly clear by the end of this episode her manipulation of the characters has been a fairly constant part of her characterisation so far.

CELIA It sounded like you’d have gone anyway. At least this way I can make sure it all goes to plan. SAM (small laugh) There’s a plan? CELIA Besides, you’re not the only one who’s curious.

That quote really sums up her whole deal this season IMO. She's always been pushing characters to do one thing or another. As soon as her intentions are brought up she'll avoid the question and move the conversation on to something else. It's been happening basically since she was introduced and I'm really glad to see it built up into something satisfying.

Man, poor Colin. I was hoping we'd get some sort of escalation of his storyline this episode but it looks like that'll be more of a season 2 affair. Similarly that looks to be where Gwen is headed too. She's finally got the job she's after but as Lena warns, and as we're all well aware, she's woefully unprepared for it. Mr. Bonzo, Ink5oul, Lady Mowbray, and Needles will all likely play larger roles in season 2 because of it.

I'm not going to get into the details much but I did really enjoy the Custodian's statement. Lots of fun vibes and little details with his character all around. I would've liked to see him stick around in all honestly and crop up again. His fate is quite interesting though because it's showing a lot more from [Error]'s abilities than has previously been showcased. She made Drowning Victim drown but her statement was all about drowning so that's not too crazy, this is much more tangentially related and a far more extreme effect on the victim. Hard to know how much that means but it might be worth pointing out.

The Hilltop Centre is a lot different to what I was expecting. It seems much more like a supernatural hub than the prior incidents concerning it let on. I'm wondering if this is unique to this universe or a constant throughout them. Without getting too much into the details it could be fallout from TMA's ending but this wound that Celia talks about strikes me as a little odd in that context. There was seemingly only one of them at Hilltop. Unless the world Celia came from is also where Darrien 3 came from, as he arrived from that point, then that wound is drawing in everyone from other realities. However if that's the case then there are some fairly major questions about the metaphysical underpinnings of it. It got "better" when Sam was thrown in but there are also clearly a lot of other people coming through as the Custodian mentions.

It wasn’t all death though. Sometimes people… arrived. Not often, but every now and then you’d find some thin, emaciated soul wandering around, lost and confused.

It wasn't just Darrien 3 that came through, multiple people arrived in the same manner. A manner we know isn't how Celia got here because her reaction to that incident was that it wasn't the same. So is this wound just an amalgamation of all the imbalances from all the various universes? We know why Celia wants to "balance" this because it's trying to pull her back, hence the "sleepwalking", and it would eventually win out. How it works on a larger scale is sort of hard to say. It seems like it will just be there forever until everyone who's not meant to be in this universe has left. That seems like a very tall order based on what we've seen. Speaking of balance.

The institute, alchemy, all of it. It’s all about balance. Dua prima, four elements, seven planets, it’s all the same. You’ve got to keep things balanced.

This is a very interesting quote. There are two possible interpretations for this and I'm not sure it's intended to be seen that way. Each of the things Celia lists here is either correctly numbered or off by one. So she might be saying that these are things for which balance is important, or she's saying these are unbalanced things and need correcting. Either works well with her point here.

Dua prima is not really actually a thing as such and is both the biggest indicator she's talking in terms of them being off by one, but also the biggest indicator she's not. Paracelsus' tria prima is a fairly important concept in alchemy as a whole and if you've read more than a few of my posts you'll have seen me mention it. In short sulphur, salt, and mercury are representative of three fundamental properties. Combustibility, permanence, and fluidity respectively and in addition represent the body, the soul, and the spirit. Paracelsus didn't arrive at this idea on his own however and it's largely an addition to Jābir ibn Ḥayyān's work. Jābir, or Geber as he's sometimes known, had this theory of metals that stated all metals were a mix of sulphur and mercury. Additionally sulphur is associated with masculine qualities and the sun, while mercury is associated with feminine ones and the moon. It's not ever called dua prima so far as I'm aware but you could reasonably make that argument.

This same logic can be applied to her mention of the four elements in which fire, air, earth, and water would make up a classical set of four but can also be considered off by one as aether is a later yet—still classical—addition. Alchemy has seven "planets" each with a corresponding metal but our modern definition puts seven off by one as we would say there are eight. However with all that being said I'm more inclined to believe she meant these things were balanced as they are. I said that the dua prima was also the best indicator of that and for the reason why we've got to go back to episode 19.

Doing mummy and daddy Stasi proud, I’m sure. Not that anyone cares as long as it all balances, right? Not too much mercury or the world ends, not too much sulfur or we all go mad…

At the time I said this was two of the three primes of tria prima, which it is, but in this context it doesn't appear that the lack of salt was an omission. Salt just might not be a part of it at all. It's fairly hard to say exactly how important this will be though. It certainly seems quite relevant but it's also something they might be making up rather than anything more firmly rooted in existing alchemic lore.

I don’t- when I first awoke I knew nothing, nothing but the dream of things that sliced my who from me with claws like scalpels… They would hunt me and toy with what it meant to be me peeling away my layers first my name, then my memory and then… …and then the fearless one reached in and grasped me, tore me out, leaving my story to fall away like autumn leaves…

I think Celia's statement has very little to get into really, I just wanted to mention that it was a nice detail. Another if you know you know and not a topic I get into here. [Error] also has a line here I think is interesting but it requires getting more into TMA than I care for so I'm going to leave it. I'm not 100% sure what to make of it either as of yet.

And there we have it. Season 1 is wrapped. Well other than the epilogue, What If?, fluff episode, and trailer. I don't have much of a bow to tie on this really other than to say I've really enjoyed this season and I'm excited for where it's going to go next.

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Prediction Follow Up

Celia is going to get [Error]ed and exposition dump about her whole deal. - That happened but the exposition relevant to the show's plot didn't occur via that.

Alice gets got and she's got some secret twisty trauma. - Didn't happen.

Teddy can give her a lift and we'll hear what was on his mind. - Also didn't happen.

Speaking of [Error] it seems likely that Celia is going to reveal at least what she knows about Archivists. - This didn't not happen but also didn't really happen exactly.

With [Error] being this season's antagonist it's likely that she's going to get defeated in the finale. - Kinda sorta maybe.

It could be a gaping maw in realities that sucks our cast off to someplace new. - Got some of our cast at least, so lets say 3.

Hilltop is likely to play some role in defeating [Error] and if I had to hazard a guess I think it's likely we'll see some of the great cosmology at play here - Kinda sorta.

I think we're also going to see a good bit of Gwen going behind Lena's back too... I don't think we'll necessarily see anything major happen but I do think it's a pretty likely hook for season 2. - Yeah, that all basically happened.

Final Score 10/10 - Being incorrect does not impact my self-worth.

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Season 2 Predictions

Honestly, I don't have much to say for this. It's probably going to be still follow the same characters, Sam will deal with whatever new universe he's in, Celia will play dumb but Alice won't buy it, Gwen will fail to deal with her new responsibilities, Teddy will reveal some awful secret, Colin will go further into the deep end, and there will probably be some sort of Magnus-based twist.

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Incident/CAT#R#DPHW Master Sheet and Terminology Sheet

DPHW Theory: 3366 is a very pleasing set of numbers. This one matches episode 8's Architecture (Liminal) -/- Hunger too which I mention for the thematic symmetry. They're quite different incidents but has some similar elements. Which I think is a good indication of my theory's strength. You'd expect some sort of parallels to be able to be drawn if these numbers were ratings in categories as I've laid out. It's not definitive proof but it's more than I've had to talk about here for a while.

CAT# Theory: CAT2 is another obviously "wrong" one for the Person/Place/Object theory IMO. Hilltop is a place but Hilltop didn't cause it and it didn't happen to Hilltop. [Error] made a dude turn into concrete. Fairly useless to pin that one on the location. I think there are more than enough of these obviously faulty ones that I can stop mentioning it come season 2. Hopefully I'll have my own theory to talk about by then too.

R# Theory: We've finally got our first S. It's been long awaited if only by myself. Generally, I'm very pleased with this. An S on this case is some of the best evidence I've had that I'm correct about the general purpose of Ranks. A still living concrete man is undeniable evidence of the supernatural. No amount of explaining it away changes the fact a man turned into concrete and lived to tell the tale. It's still not 100% certain if Rank is purely about evidence or more about urgency in general but I do think now it's fairly clear that if I'm not entirely correct it's the right path.

Header talk: Transmutation (Human) -/- Isolation (Urban). Very little to talk about on that one but it's interesting to see the continued difference between transformation and transmutation.

#the magnus protocol #tmagp #tmagp theory #tmagp speculation #klaus = kl4-u5

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