#and like as a disabled person i found it to be a poignant moment because its reminiscent of how abled people have requested me to not

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

On one hand, I have very complex feelings about the most recent episode of mismag regarding bodily autonomy, self harm, and the dignity of risk, and I want to write it all out.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I'll be able to actually put my thoughts into words without said words being unclear, and also it is tumblr where you know, we piss on the poor and a lot of people find it difficult to talk about the dignity of risk.

[tuiyla]

Do you fast forward through all male plot lines on Glee? Do you like any of their stories? What do you like about the main male characters?

I don't fast-forward anything and I do like a lot of the boys' storylines. I swear I'm not a misandrist y'all lol, just because I generally much prefer the girls' characters and stories I can still enjoy and appreciate the boys. It's just personal preference, partly stemming from my interest in the ignored perspectives in all stories and that tends to be the girls in Glee.

That said, here's the boys’ version of mainly thematic things I like about Glee characters:

Finn Hudson

I make it no secret that Finn's a very frustrating character to me but I do genuinely like a lot of things about his basic concept as a character and his journey. The Finn I choose to like in my head has this contradiction going for him: he's the beloved All-American quarterback on top of the high school social hierarchy but, as the series goes on, he's acutely aware of how little that means in the real world. He often leans into his popularity and is just as concerned about status as chs like Quinn or Santana but there's this sense of dread when it comes Real Life and post-high school. Because Finn knows this isn't all there is to life but he's terrified that if he's not the quarterback or even the leader of the New Directions, he's just a big aimless loser. His fragile sense of identity is fascinating in all his flaws and triumphs, if only Glee had explored that more. It's a shame tragedy struck and we never got to see how he would grow as a teacher and leader. I think his arc of finding meaning in not being the star but helping others with their dreams was poignant.

Kurt Hummel

Kurt's story is easily the most well-developed in the series and the care with which his story was formed is evident. I've said it before and I'll say it again, his season 2 arc in particular is the best of Glee (along with Santana's, but then hers wasn't followed up on in s3). If I had to choose one aspect for him it's for sure his compassion and how it shines through in a lot of story beats. Kurt can have an air of arrogance about him but I think he more than most has amazing moments of compassion. He really defies "hurt people hurt people" and shows there's another way because where others lash out he reaches out and tries to make it so others don't have to feel the way he did. A good heart is the best trait to have. A standout moment is him forgiving Karofsky and helping him after the attempt because really, it would have been understandable if Kurt didn't want to ever see him again after s2. But he found it in himself to realize Karofsky was also struggling and helped Dave while also acknowledging that he didn't deserve to be hurt by him. And that's called healthy.

Artie Abrams

I think Artie was done dirty in terms of storylines compared to his overall presence and just looking at things like how well featured his voice was, but there’s still stuff to like there. I have to admit that I’m perhaps the least invested in him as a character but I see his main arc being that of limitations and overcoming them. And that can mean limitations because of his disability of how people perceive him as a disabled person, and even limitations he sets for himself. It’s not just that he’s in a wheelchair but he’s a self-described nerd and loser as well, and I think towards the beginning he really leans into that role. But as he goes on and gains more confidence, largely due to his relationships with women, he interestingly goes a bit too far much like Tina did with her newfound confidence. What I’m referring to is things like his womanizer are in season 5 and how easily he casts Kitty aside, even though he once worried so much about cheerleaders being out of his league. His sexism is where he loses me but I also do see some of it as just overdone and misplaced confidence and as a whole his arc about outgrowing limiting labels is interesting. Justice for Wildebrams though, damn shame.

Noah Puckerman

I always struggle with Puck because I actually really, really like so much about his character, themes and journey but then the icky things overshadow that. Still, focusing on the stuff I like, I think Puck's relationship with people's expectations of him, like with all the popular kids, is super interesting. (Seriously, I need to write about the Finn-Quinn-Santana-Puck quadrangle one day.) He pretends like he loves beng the resident bad boy but he’s actually really hurt when people assume the worst and has this deep-seated fear of being a loser, much like Finn does. He’s terrified of becoming exactly like his father but it’s often as if he can’t help but double down on worst expectations because it’s easier than proving he can be better. He, like Santana, proves how much it can mean when there’s just one person who believes in you and how it makes all the difference in the world. I really think Puck doesn’t want to be a bully or a bad boy or a bad student, he just defaults to it when he thinks it’s the best way to navigate social hierarchies. The way season 3 handles this in particular is really interesting and I wish what little he had in later seasons was more in line with that and just in general better.

Mike Chang

Mike, like Tina when it comes to the girls, is given by far the least and though I still think there’s much to like about him, so much of it is confined to the background. He only has one real storyline that is truly his as a main character but luckily I do like it. Mike’s plot about going against his parents’ wishes and pursuing the arts instead of a ~better~ and more stable career is imo well done. Do I love that according to Glee only a career in the arts is one worth having because otherwise you’re settling, no, but it works well for Mike. Here we have this quiet but popular guy who’s good at football but not the best or anything, and who carries much of ND without the appropriate appreciation. And he skates by being the one in the background but he does learn in that choir room that he loves performing so much and, with some prompting, stands up for that passion. Contrast is always nice to see in stories so contrasting Mike’s overall chillness with him ultimately standing his ground and wanting to dance is interesting. Sadly, we never get to see much more of his story and how life goes after graduation. The single most underutilized character.

Sam Evans

Sam’s tricky because, and I think many can agree, he changes a lot throughout the series and so I don’t always know where I stand with him. I’m gonna have to get back to you after I rewatch the whole series. But overall I think people don’t give him nearly enough credit for stepping up and looking after his family at such a young age. I don’t think the storyline was particularly well done for many reasons - in Rumours it’s not even really about him, rarely mentioned again, being an underage sex worker played for laughs, and only Chris Colfer even remembered it all happened by season 5. But still, it gives his character depth and him having to grow up so fast but then also having this himbo vibe is an interesting concept. He can be goofy and even seem immature while also being emotionally intelligent and looking after his siblings. It should have been explored more but ah well. As another thing, his relationship with his own body is also an interesting one and I guess more comes of it but not by much. Sadly, for being so relatively well featured Sam doesn’t actually get to tell his own story often so even though I do like him, I don’t have as much to say as with others.

Blaine Anderson

I talked about Blaine a while back but basically, I most appreciate Blaine when it comes to his flaws. Personally, I view his story as a deconstruction of the dreamy boyfriend he was in season 2 and the gradual peeling back of layers until we get ananxious and imperfect boy. The thing with Blaine is that his character was built almost retroactively, at first mainly just being a jukebox and Kurt’s amazing boyfriend, but still there is a story there and imo it’s a juicy one. He’s somewhere in the middle in terms of how much there’s to analyse: you have to read into it more and put the energy in more than with Kurt, Finn, and Puck, but Blaine certainly has more going for him than Artie, Sam, and Mike do. For me, the thing I like about him is how he turns out to not be perfect, because of course, and is instead grows into his own as just another messy teenager who makes mistakes but loves his friends and is just trying to his place in the world.

[the-dragongirl]

Hello tumblr. I have returned from a long period of inactivity, because I must bring the good word to the corner of the Star Wars fandom that used to be my main fannish home: there is a new era of Star Wars canon that was made just for our taste. It is called the High Republic.

WHAT IS THE HIGH REPUBLIC?

The High Republic is an giant multi-media project being carried out by the Lucasfilm story group to create a brand new era of Star Wars canon. It is set a few hundred years before the prequel era (so, a long time after the Old Republic era), in a period of peace and stability within the Republic. It currently includes several English language adult novels, a YA novel, two serialized comics, a manga, some short stories, and some short video blurbs published on facebook and youtube. A TV show for Disney+ has also been announced, but is a few years off. This project is unique in Star Wars, in that all of the different parts are being written together by one writing team, and are coordinated to tell a cohesive story. Also, what has been announced is just the beginning – they have stated that there will be three different sections of the High Republic, and everything we have had announced so far is just part one. As a note: this is an era for which there was NO pre-existing canon in Legends, so it is totally new territory.

OKAY, THAT’S NICE, BUT WHY SHOULD I BOTHER TO CHECK IT OUT?

There are SO many reasons why the High Republic is worth your time to explore. I will try to outline some of them here below the cut (without any significant spoilers).

IT IS A LOVE LETTER TO THE JEDI

This is the era for everyone who loves the Jedi and wants to understand how they got to the point they did in the prequel era. It shows Jedi at their best: saving people, working together, being completely in tune with the Force (in so many beautiful and original ways), demonstrating creativity and flexibility and being rewarded for it, actually thinking through the ethics of things like the mind trick, and DEALING with their emotions rather than repressing them. It shows us how the rigid Jedi culture was saw in the prequels was a corruption of something that was originally healthy and uplifting. Jedi in this era are allowed to be flawed, and to grow, and have a community that supports them in doing so. This is the Jedi culture so many of us created as fix it fic for the prequel era, but made canon.

IT IS AN ERA OF HOPE

There are some serious problems in the High Republic Era. Without spoilers, the era opens with a terrible humanitarian crisis, laid over the Republic equivalent of the New Deal from US history.  We see a lot of examples of people doing their best to be good to each other, and working for a more just and kind galaxy. They acknowledge that things are not perfect, but people from many different backgrounds (Jedi, politicians, farmers, pilots, business people) work together to try and make things better. I don’t know about you all, but with the darkness we see in the world today, I NEED some of that optimism in my escapist media. The High Republic provides that.

IT WILL GIVE YOU FEELINGS

The existing material so far is structured to really let you emotionally invest in the characters and their struggles. Unlike with many eras of Star Wars canon, characterization is not sacrificed for the sake of plot (though never fear, there is PLENTY of plot). That means there is huge scope for empathy. I’m not going to lie; I cried within the first three chapters of Light of the Jedi, as did several other people I know. It is POIGNANT in a way that feels truly genuine.

IT IS FUN

The writing team understands that, in the end, Star Wars is space fantasy. If your space fantasy is nothing but serious, gritty grimdark, it becomes pretentious and unbearable. So, for all that there is some heavy content in the High Republic (VERY heavy content – the Nihil should really have their own content warning), it has many moments of levity that keep it from taking itself too seriously. For example, the High Republic made Jedi bodice rippers canon. Also, characters like Geode exist (yes, that rock there is a CHARACTER). The result is something which honors the spirit of Star Wars, and keeps you engaged without being tedious or ridiculously depressing.

THE WRITING TEAM HAS DIVERSE PERSPECTIVES

The main writing team consists of five people: Justina Ireland, Claudia Gray, Charles Soule, Daniel José Older, and Cavan Scott. You will note that includes two people of color, two women, and one out Queer person (in fact, one of the writers is all three of those things). This is a far cry from the white-cis-straight-man-dominated writing teams we have seen in the past. And when they bring in other people to the project, they make a point of looking for perspectives that aren’t represented on their team – for example, the manga is being co-written between Justina Ireland and Japanese writer Shima Shinya, and Ireland has stated in interviews that Shinya is taking the lead on the writing.

IT VALUES MEANINGFUL REPRESENTATION

That diverse writing team means a cast that looks WAY more like the real world than any other era of Star Wars we’ve seen, in terms of representation. There are multiple characters of color, who are both heroes and central to the story. There are at least five canonical queer characters to date (a MLM couple, an Ace character, and two NB character).  [EDIT: Thank you @legok9​ for letting me know about the NB characters]. Among binary gendered characters, there is a very even balance of men and women. The writing team has also stated that they will be incorporating more representation of disability in the works to come. And the story is so much better for it – representation is included here BECAUSE it makes for more creative, believable, and original storytelling.

IT IS ACCESSIBLE

Because of the multiple formats, and the fact that it doesn’t rely on you knowing any prior lore, the High Republic offers many avenues to engage for people with all kinds of needs. Know nothing about Star Wars canon and feel intimidated about catching up? The canon is all new in this era anyway, so you’re fine. Can’t handle flashing lights? No problem – the little bit of video content that exists is totally free from the strobing effects that caused seizure and sensory issues. Need purely audio content? You can still have a full experience of the High Republic with the gorgeously sound-scaped audiobooks. Don’t have the attention span for books or long movies? Then the comics are your friend.

THERE IS SOMETHING FOR ALL

Between the books aimed towards adults and teens (and their respective audiobooks), the kids books, the comics, the manga, the short stories, AND the eventual TV show on Disney+, there is going to be content in the High Republic that suits most audiences. And that is just what has been announced so far – there is still more to come for phases II and III. This isn’t Star Wars written towards one group or demographic – it is Star Wars for everyone.

DID I MENTION THE FANCY JEDI UNIFORMS?

Because cosplayers and fanartists? This is the era for you. We are getting Jedi in silks with elaborate gold embroidery. Jedi with jewelry other decorative elements. Even the practical field uniforms have tooled and embossed leather. If you want to draw or make Jedi that have some of that that sweet LoTR-esque high fantasy aesthetic, the High Republic has your back. (Not going to lie – I am ALREADY imagining the time travel AUs. Put Obi-Wan in fancy clothes!)

OKAY, YOU’VE SOLD ME. WHERE SHOULD I START?

I strongly recommend everyone looking to get into the High Republic (who is old enough to be on Tumblr) start with Light of the Jedi by Charles Soule. I alternated between the physical book and the audio book, and found it delightful in both formats. After that, you have a lot of options. You can read or listen to the audio book of the YA novel A Test of Courage by Justina Ireland. You can check out the currently running Star Wars: The High Republic comic from Marvel, or the Star Wars: The High Republic Adventures comic from IDW. Or you can skip straight to Into the Dark by Claudia Gray. Honestly, there is no wrong order to try out most of the High Republic.

IN CONLUSION

The High Republic is Star Wars written for people who DON’T want Star Wars to be a good ‘ol boys club for salty white dudes who don’t want to see anything but more of Luke Skywalker. It offers broad representation, and optimistic narrative, and whole bunch of awesome Jedi content. If you are someone who fell in love with Jedi in the prequel era, the High Republic will give you more of what you loved. And if you are totally new to Star Wars? The High Republic is here for you too.

So, go check it. And then go write fic for it (please, there are only, like, 14 fics on AO3, I am dying).

[lizziestudieshistory]

Books of 2021 - July

I read a lot this month! I’m not even sure how I managed it, especially when we consider I’ve read another 850 pages between Anna Karenina and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on top of this lot!

I’m just going to apologise now for not proof reading this... I’m finishing this off at 2 in the morning to schedule and I’m sick of looking at my own writing at the moment.

Amnesty by Lara Elena Donnelly - Technically I read this at the end of June, however, I was on holiday so couldn’t include it in last month’s wrap up.

I’ve already spoken about the Amberlough Dossier and anyone who’s been around my blog for longer than about 10 seconds knows I love this trilogy. Amnesty was no exception. We have the return of Cyril, he and Ari working through their relationship (or not quite understandably), and the fall out from the fall of the Ospies - this world’s equivalent to the Nazi party. It’s not an easy book to read and the glamour of the first installment is completely stripped away to deal with very complex moral and political questions. I don’t necessarily agree with Donnelly’s answers, however, I do admire her for really delving into these very difficult topics. She used the speculative nature of the Amberlough Dossier to come up with a sensitive and interesting discussion on a very difficult period in history.

I’m hoping to write a proper review for the whole trilogy at some point (once I’ve finished the monstrosity that is my Words of Radiance review) so I don’t want to say too much more here. However, I do want to say I really enjoyed that Donnelly found the space to continue looking at the smaller, private, and interpersonal consequences of the Ospies’ regime, particularly for families. It’s a sensitive look into this situation and I loved every second of it - I also adore Cyril and Ari’s relationship, but I’ll dig into them in my proper reivew.

Master of Sorrows by Justin Call - this was a slightly underwhelming read for me, although I did really enjoy it. I’ve seen Master of Sorrows praised everywhere, I don’t think I’ve seen it given less than 5 stars? Yet, for me it was a solid 4 star read. I’d wanted a 5 star read (I’ve been sorely lacking them) but something was holding me back with this one - I do think the series has 5 star potential though and I’m going to read Master Artificer soon!

This is a book clearly embedded in a love of mythology and fantasy. It’s dark and gritty, especially in the second half, with plenty for the reader to sink their teeth into. I’ve also never seen such a strong focus on physical disability in a fantasy novel - it was refreshing to see and led to an interesting use of the magic system to develop ways of overcoming physical disadvantages. Although I’m hoping this is going to be explored further in later installments as, for a large part of this book, Annev was essentially able bodied due to a magical prosthetic he never takes off.

Unfortuantely the most interesting part of this book, for me, was the mythological world building at the start of each part in the book. The myths, clearly based on Norse mythology (I’m sorry but “Odar” was a bit obvious), were fascinating, particularly as they started to have an influence on the events of the main narrative. I just wanted to know more about the gods than the actual story, this is probably a me issue though... The main plotline felt generic: Annev is a boy in a coming of age story, complete with a magic(ish) assassin school, a wise old mentor, and a destiny/prophesy surrounding him. It’s a typical fantasy story, so far, and while I do really enjoy these plotlines (I read enough of them!) it’s not exactly the most original. Nevertheless, I am excited to see where Call goes with this as I do think the rest of the series will start growing into something much more interesting and I look forward to Master Artificer.

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte - this is one of my favourite books of all time, we all know this by now... See my full review for Bronte’s masterpiece here.

The Bedlam Stacks by Natasha Pulley - July has been the month of Natasha Pulley for me because I’ve rediscovered just how much I LOVE her books. I first read Pulley back in...what, 2017? (It’s been a while...) with her debut novel, The Watchmaker of Filigree Street which I remember loving, but I never continued with The Bedlam Stacks, the only other available book by Pulley at the time. To be frank with you, it’s because at 18/19 I wasn’t that interested in Peru. However, I now really want to read The Kingdoms, Pulley’s new release, but I felt obliged to read the books I already owned by her and hadn’t read - so I picked up The Bedlam Stacks as it’s the one I’ve owned the longest without having read it...

Not reading The Bedlam Stacks back then was the best decision I’ve ever made because I know at 18 I wouldn’t have appreciated what a stunning masterpiece this book is - it would have flown over my head because, at the time, I just wanted more Thaniel and Mori. At 23 I ADORED this book. I absolutely fell in love with the subtle whimsy and quite, understated beauty of this story. Pulley has such an elegant way of writing, it’s never overdone - she has a way of playing with words which reads beautifully but doesn’t feel like too much. She’s never flowery or purple with her prose, but she does create a work of art.

Unfortunately, The Bedlam Stacks is a book I think a lot of people may struggle with - there’s not a lot of plot, everything is a bit weird, and it’s largely a character study for our two main characters: Merrick Tremayne and Raphael. Merrick’s journey to Peru to find quinine - a cure for malaria - for the British Empire is really a set up to allow the rest of the book to focus on these two characters. It’s centred on the very slow development of their relationship together, coming to understand each other, and eventually open up about themselves - well this is more in Raphael’s case. It’s a poignant story about two people finding a home with each other that will endure across time and distance - it’s not quite a romance, but it’s certainly more than a friendship. Personally I read them as ace, but there is definitely scope here to read them in a variety of other ways depending on your own experiences. But what is certain is their deep connection, and that their love (platonic or otherwise) is what drives the outcome of this story.

It’s beautiful, poignant, and slightly tragic when you think about it... I loved every minuet of it and just wanted the book to continue, I was genuinely sad it was over! It’s not a novel for everyone, and I do think the opening section needed some more work as it did feel like Pulley was saying ‘lets get over this necessary but boring set up’. However, it was exactly what I wanted and I’m so happy I’ve finally read it.

I’m also much more interested in Peru now, so that’s something else to hold in it’s favour!

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street by Natasha Pulley - I’m falling slightly out of order here but it seems better to continue with Pulley’s books. Most of the same praise I gave to The Bedlam Stacks can be repeated here - Pulley’s writing is slightly weaker here but it’s only really noticable because I read both books one after the other and I was thinking about her prose. The same whimsical, poetic, and understated style is used in both books and it really suits the type of stories Pulley like to tell - and again it’s a style that really works for me.

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street I think is a slightly more universally likeable story - although I would argue Pulley is an acquired taste. There is a bit less whimsy, and the relationship between Thaniel and Mori is more easily quantifiable for readers. There is also a more obvious plotline to follow, whilst still developing three compelling characters with Mori, Thaniel, and Grace. Personally I don’t love Grace - I find her brash and callous - however, she does have as good of an arc as Thaniel and Mori, she’s also someone who regularly get overlooked when people talk about this book. She’s not someone I like or approve of, but I do really understand where she’s coming from and can appreciate her growth. Pulley doesn’t need us to like Grace - or any of her characters - she presents them as they are and lets us cast our own judgements on them, and I sincerely love this about her. (I’m also so up for reading more about Grace and her relationship with Matsumoto, they’re fabulous together!)

The main draw to this book is definitely the relationship between Thaniel and Mori - how could you not love them? They’re fascianting to watch - together and separately - and throughout the course of this nove you really feel them grow into their relationship. It’s beautiful to watch and feels genuine. Their bond is earnt, not just presented to us as a fact. However, what I really love about Mori and Thaniel is the slightly sinister route Mori takes to make sure he meets Thaniel. Honestly, in any other book Mori would be horrifying with his slightly callous use of his abilities to manipulate the world around him to achieve his own ends. However, with the narrative framing here he’s slightly toned down, it’s a spectacular example of framing shaping audience perspectives on a character. It’s great and I appreciate the sensitivity Pulley used to shape Mori and the relationship between him and Thaniel. I’m also really looking forward to seeing how they develope in The Lost Future of Pepperharrow.

Henry V by William Shakespeare - I don’t really have a lot to say about Henry V... I’ve never felt that strongly about this play - it’s fine? It’s a FABULOUS play to watch (I’ve partial to the Tom Hiddleston version in The Hollow Crown) but to read it’s merely okay. There are some fantastic and very famous speeches - and I absolutely adore the Chorus. However, as a whole the play is merely a decent one. I’m always left a bit uncomfortable with how Shakespeare treats the French, and I’m yet to work out where I stand on Henry as a person and the morality of the war... It’s something to ponder and maybe write something on at a later date.

Unfortunately, this one falls into a similar issue as the Henry IV plays - I just don’t like the common men plotline within this one... It’s slightly better because Falstaff isn’t in this play, except in name (I have an absolute burning hatred of Falstaff... Like we could burn him out of English literature and I’d dance on the ashes level of hatred, it’s perhaps sllightly irrational but I loathe him. I’d otherwise like the Henry IV plays but I see Falstaff and I’m immediately full of seething rage. It’s apparently very funny for my best friend.) However, I just find the common men a tedious distraction from the rest of the play. I switch off whenever I’m watching the play and they’re on stage/screen. I know why they’re there I just don’t care - it’s a me issue, I’m well aware.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K. Rowling - okay I’m not going to write much on Half-Blood Prince as a whole becasue 1. Rowling herself, and 2. I’m going to rank the Harry Potter books when I’ve finished with Deathly Hallows. Overall, I loved this book, it’s always been one of my favourite Potter novels and my reread only cemented its place. The plot is genuinely interesting and well thought out, it’s one of the best books for exploring Harry as a character (I adore seeing his darker side!), and the set up for the finale is excellent. I actually perfer it to Deathly Hallows because the promises it makes are more interesting than the actual execution of the book.

However, I do want to say that this book made Snape my new favourite character - I won’t explain why yet, I need to do a full spoiler discussion of ALL the Harry Potter books, including Deathly Hallows. But Snape is by far the best drawn character in the Potter series. He’s certainly not the nicest, kindest of most likeable. Snape’s not a moral paragon, neither has he ‘done nothing wrong’ as I’ve seen argued. But he is the most interesting and morally complex.

Everytime I’ve read Potter before, Snape’s a character I’ve not really thought about - which is shocking considering how much he’s in these books, the role he plays, and the discourse around him in the Harry Potter fandom. I’ve always just gone along with the face-value presentation of his character. Yet on this reread I’ve paid attention to Snape, not deliberately, it just naturally happened. Anyway, to cut a long story short - Snape is my new favourite character! Yes Lupin is still my irrational, undying favourite. But, in terms of having a genuine interest and reason for loving him Snape is my new favourite because he is so complicated! He’s someone I’ve come to understand and sympathise with. I don’t condone Snape, I still think he’s a piece of work who should NEVER be allowed around children. But he is a good person. Again not nice, likeable, or morally sound. Yet he does spend the best part of 20 years working tirelessly for good without praise, acknowledgement, or recongition.

He’s a fascinating character and I’ve adored diving into his mind, as much as you can in this very Harry-centric series, without the accepting bias of a child’s eyes. Snape’s one of the few characters in Harry Potter I’d like to read a book about - I’ve neber been one to want a Marauder’s spin off or Hogwarts founding story. But I think diving into Snape’s mind would genuinely be worth it and an interesting experiment, I just don’t think J.K. Rowling would be the right author to do it.

[sun-undone]

You asked for Druck opinion questions - so here goes one: What are your 3 favourite Druck seasons and the best things about each one? Plus, one thing in each you'd like to change/improve?

ooooooh thank you for this! 

my top 3 druck seasons are hands-down 3, 5, and 6, in that order

i’m gonna talk a lot from memory and not really looking back at any notes that i have for these seasons so i apologize in advance if i forget about some things

let’s start with the best things from each of those seasons first

season 3: it’s really really hard to choose just one thing as being the best from this season, cause there’s just so much good in it. but i think i’d have to say that the thing that really makes druck season 3 stand out so so so much to me is how the writers really said “okay we see isak and even, we see them, we appreciate them, and we’re going to respectfully do our own thing thank you very much”. they completely switched up their isak and even characters, not just by making david trans instead of bipolar, but by changing their entire personalities and dynamic together. it’s so DIFFERENT and fresh and hits me in a personal way that i have to say has been even more poignant than how isak and even hit me when i first got into skam all those years ago. matteo and david really just feel like they are characters that have been specially made with my personal tastes in mind, and i KNOW that i’m not even close to being the only one who sees so much of myself reflected in parts of both of their personalities. i love when remakes switch things up, especially with the beloved isak season, and druck really went there with no fear. they made that shit their own, and the ways in which they did so just happen to pluck at my heartstrings so perfectly.

season 5: this season is just so well-crafted, i think a lot of people would agree in saying that it’s druck’s most well-written season. you can really tell that a ton of work went into the overall story arc, properly addressing very touchy subjects like alcoholism and mental illness, introducing all of these new characters, just EVERYTHING. and what a huge fucking task that is, putting out a new season almost completely from scratch right after pissing off all of your fans. but they fucking delivered. there’s so much good in this season, too, so it’s tough to pick just one element to be the very best. but honestly, i think i’ve gotta say mina’s acting??? i was WORRIED about what the acting would be like in the new gen because i was so impressed by the old gen actors and their ability to really make each of their characters so distinct and personable. so going into the new gen, my expectations were already low for a lot of reasons, and i was kind of expecting to just not be as convinced by the actors and therefore not be able to fall in love with most, if any, of the characters. AND BOY WAS I WRONG. i do think a few of the actors were a bit rocky at first, which was also the case with the old gen so i’m not bothered by that at all, but damn they really stepped it up and blew me away once they all found their footing and chemistry with one another, especially mina. i think she’s the second best actor in all of druck (behind michi and maybe tied with or just above anselm), which is insane considering how young she is. she absolutely killed everything she was given and completely drew me into this season that i was fully expecting to not be able to connect to. i really do think that if someone else had played nora, season 5 and the new gen in general would’ve had a much rockier start. she led us into this new generation of characters with such warmth and natural, charismatic talent, and she deserves so so so much credit for that. she had great material, yes, but she really put in the fucking work.

season 6: okay so i still haven’t rewatched season 6 cause i’ve been a tad preoccupied with a different obsession at the moment, BUT i still just know that this season is fantastic and groundbreaking by giving us a biracial couple with no white person in it, a black lesbian main with a learning disability, and tackling performative activism and racism in a really grounded, realistic way. other remakes could never. just like in other druck seasons, it is incredibly obvious that the team worked their asses off to make this season, especially in light of all the covid restrictions. i'm hesitant to name the best thing about this season because i haven’t rewatched it, so i don’t wanna miss something. i WILL say that the soundtrack for this season is fucking phenomenal and has introduced me to so many new artists, particularly artists of color, which i appreciate so much. druck’s soundtracks are always amazing imo, but fatou’s just has something extra to it that i can’t quite put my finger on. maybe it’s just simply most aligned with my own personal tastes, i really don’t know, but it’s fucking brilliant. i also do have to say that i really appreciate how fleshed out kieu my is as a full character, not just as a love interest. she definitely has an advantage from being introduced in the previous season, but the writers could’ve easily made her stagnant once she and fatou started getting together. but NO, they made her even MORE interesting. she really got a full arc along with fatou, and i just love her so fucking much. once i rewatch, maybe i’ll make another post with a more complete answer, but that’s what i’ve got just from my memories of watching the season live.

now onto the thing i would change/improve for each season (i’ll try to keep this more brief because jesus christ why do i talk so much)

season 3: it’s obvious, isn’t it? david’s outing was done poorly, the execution of episode 8 in general was weird and out of place, it’s the only time that i really felt like the show was relying on shock value and drama (maybe even trauma porn) instead of good writing and conflict. there was a way to teach the audience about trans issues and experiences without subjecting david to that pain and also without having him just be absent for so much of the season. in conclusion, the season needed more david but never at his expense.

season 5: i really think that this season is druck’s absolute best in terms of writing and pacing, so it’s hard to find something that i was disappointed by (i would put this season above season 3 if i wasn't so damn emotionally attached to 3). i’m really racking my brains trying to think of something, anything, that bothered me, no matter how small it was. the only thing i can think of is that i remember a few music moments that felt forced or badly edited to me, but that’s literally all that’s coming to mind right now.

season 6: this season definitely wasn’t as well-paced as season 5, but there’s still not many glaring narrative issues that i can remember. there were a few smaller things throughout the season, but nothing too major. the one that i would most like to change is the stupid tinder/”cheating but not really” thing at the end of episode 8 (i think that’s the right episode number). it was just unnecessary and then completely forgotten about by the writers and characters, which shows how unnecessary it really was. 

ask me some opinions about druck, wir kinder vom bahnhof zoo, or really anything!

[sienna-writes]

3, 9, 13, and 15 pls!!

—3; what order do you write in? Front of book to back? Chronological? Favourite scenes first? Something else?

Oh gosh... My writing process is so messy! I do, primarily, write linearly. However... When I get stuck/I'm finding a scene or chapter difficult I move to later events in the novel or more exciting scenes. Sometimes this even helps me work through the block! I pants, so sometimes the future scenes help me figure out what might have happened in the previous scenes I'm stuck on!

As I say, I do tend to write linearly. However, for context, the first 21673 words are chronological, and the next 7223 consist of future scenes, and a half finished chapter :")

—9; what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

listen to music! brainstorm! romantisice my characters and plot in my head to hype myself up! go through my pinterest boards! watch writing vlogs!

—13; your strengths as an author!

Imagery! My poetry is very imagery heavy, and my prose is too. Maybe too flowery?

It's simultaneously my strength and weakness, I've been focusing lately on fine tuning and cleaning up my prose so I can strike the right balance. I'm really happy with my writing style at the moment. It's undergone alot of change in the past months, I feel like now I have the time to write (and read!!!) I've been improving rapidly.

—15; why did you start writing?

This question doesn't really have a distinct answer! When I was younger before I could write properly I was obsessed with the idea of being able to write, and I still have a notebook from that time (I must have been five or six) full of scribbles. My parents told me I would look around me and scribble as if I were a reporter, which I thought was really funny.

When we were learning how to write in school, whenever I got home I would spend hours and hours and hours practising my handwriting, copying out entire books (mainly Dr Seuss because I loved him), and doodling and writing completely incoherent stories.

I would devour books when I got better at reading, and then I'd just write constantly whenever I had the time. And then, honestly, I kind of... Stopped? When I got to high school I was so paralysingly anxious and dissociated and going through stuff that I didn't have time or the energy to write anymore. The only thing I'd write were journal entries trying to make sense of what I was going through. Then I found POETRY!! this is so cringe, and everyone says this, but it saved me somewhat! I absolutely adore poetry! It's my favourite form to write in, for SURE.

The only prose writing I'd do until I was about fifteen (we took a three fuckin year break lads, whEW) would be for school. Eventually, I got back to it, and started writing flash fiction and short stories, which I also love. And now I'm writing SO much! literally SO MUCH! I'm so proud of myself, I've improved alot, I'm finally finding my style without the restrictions of assignments. I'm writing my first novel! I've finished the poetry collection I started in January!

I'm an incredibly anxious, underconfident person. I am terrible in social situations, I don't really have any close friends, I've left high school now (onto college for me thank GOD!) but I would eat my lunch in the toilets alone to escape the noise and *bullying*. Email is the only way I could talk to teachers, for a long time. Writing has always been my safety net, the way I could communicate, and my teachers have always complimented me on it. (Bless all English teachers honestly, absolute SWEETHEARTS!)

sorry for rambling, woAh!

(This ask was from a while ago, sorry to the anon who asked these, I didn’t feel it was right to post writing related stuff while much more poignant and important discussions were being had. That being said, the black lives matter movement needs to maintain momentum, even if its not a “trending” issue. People should always be active in standing up against injustice or predjudice etc. I haven’t been as outspoken on this platform as perhaps I should have been, however, I have been donating, signing petitions, and speaking out primarily on my instagram where I have a much larger following than I do here. Only 49 people follow my tumblr (I’m a newbie writeblr screaming into the void), whereas 853 people follow my instagram. I have been doing my bit, I promise, and I will continue to do so, as my platform on Instagram is generally where I am most of the time. It’s also where I share posts related to feminism, lgbtq issues, disability, mental illness, poc issues etc.)

[atamascolily]

lily liveblogs “terminator: dark fate”, part four

In which Sarah Connor suffers for the cause in the most ironic way possible.

(one, two, three)

I've already waxed poetic elsewhere about the "My entire body is a weapon"/ "Save it for the ladies" exchange, but let's just say the Rev-9's claim of "Metal hip - two tours in Afghanistan" is a) a great manipulation, and b) might even be true - certainly the part about the metal hip is! And the "thank you for your service," / letting him pass through is just... the irony... I can't even...

(and also, this MAKES SENSE when you realize that Legion was designed to process people and manipulate/control them and THAT'S why he's so good at it).

Sarah Connor gets picked up by a smarmy dude named Officer Rigby. "You belong in your own private cage," he tells her. He's probably going to die soon, and we are not supposed to be sorry about it. (And meanwhile, some random dude yells in the background, "I want to go, too!" No, you don't. Trust me.)

Grace does not believe in bureaucratic bullshit. And she won't accept "detainees" instead of "prisoners". YASS. At least there's fresh meds for her.

Oh! I just realized why she steals the guy's clothes.. it's because nothing else would fit her. It's tough being so tall.

Grace pulls the fire alarm and Sarah recognizes an opening when she sees one and manages to kick Rigby in the groin and take him and both her guards down with both hands in cuffs behind her back. LEGEND. Kyle Reese would be so proud of her, especially since he pulled the same stunt back in T1 in the police station sequence. 

Grace starts opening doors and people rush to get out, oh please let this not be a slaughter.

The dude who was with them (Flacco?) slams the door into the Terminator's face and he gets punched into a wall for his trouble. I hope he survived...

The Rev-9 jumps UP into the rafters, holy shit, and is scrabbling over the metal fence like the Rev-7s in the future scene, and it's so a) predatory and b) so feral and inhuman... and that guard who sassed Dani looks terrified as hell as she faces him down.. and gets slashed for her troubles.

Slaughter ensues, but only people in official uniforms thus far... Every one of them is mobbing the Rev-9 and just getting stabbed.

Oh, good, they found a helicopter. Someone gets punched out the door after them, and you think it's the REv-9 who did it, but it's actually Sarah! YASS. Dani wants to wait for her and Grace wants to get away. Dani doesn't want to leave Sarah (hey, callbacks to earlier!) and jumps out of the helicopter with the gun as the REV-9 runs at her. Dani starts shooting the REV-9 which is very cathartic for her, but Sarah tackles her and pulls her into the helicopter. The REV-9 jumps for it, but misses, and falls the ground and just looks... annoyed despite having no expression whatsoever.

The REV-9's accent with the sheriffs is interesting. There's the same "good ol' boy" attitude as "That's a nice bike" in T2 and the same cut back to our heroes that speaks volumes.

Cut to a forest in Texas. I have no idea if this is botanically accurate or not because I have no experience with Texas flora. But there are pine trees and maple trees, I can tell you that much.

I like how Sarah and Grace are ready to draw when they knock on the door of this ordinary-looking house in the woods, and Dani just looks at them like they're crazy.

Hey, and it's the same music as in the prologue, as Sarah recognizes the Terminator! He says her name and she raises her gun to shoot him except that Grace intervenes and she hits the ceiling.

“My name is Sarah Connor, you killed my son, prepare to die...” No, okay, she doesn’t actually say that, but I’m gonna do it for her.

Sarah stalks off when they won't let her shoot the Terminator. Dani and Grace exchange a look, and Dani goes after Sarah while Grace deals with Carl (his nom de... paix, I guess). They have the ... "So you're a cyborg, too?" talk, which goes about as well as you can expect.

Poor Sarah looks so broken sitting outside alone. Dani uses her people skills to rally her. Sarah's admission that she never took photos of John is a) heartbreaking, and b) good tactics, especially given how previous Terminators used photos, and how the REV-9 uses facial recognition software.

Sarah's sarcasm as she contemplates Carl's family photos is biting and hilarious and poignant especially given what she just said to Dani (and how a photograph was what brought Kyle to her in the first place). MY HEART.

We are meant to parallel Carl's treatment of Alicia and Mateo with Sarah and John, and Sarah and Carl in "Without purpose, we are nothing". The irony that Carl understands Sarah in this way, and that Sarah has been getting her raison d’etre from a Terminator the whole time... way to lay on the pain, writers!

I've heard a lot of critique of this film claiming that Terminators just wouldn't act like Carl, and I think that's not accurate. What exactly do people think a Terminator WOULD do after they finished their mission instad? It's not like Skynet or Legion or whatever gave them any other programming, and we know from T2 they can't self-terminate. So what are they supposed to do, just stand there??

Even though Carl doesn't have his chip removed the way the T-800 in T2 did, Terminators are very accomplished at learning and mimicking humans. They are adaptable. And I think the filmmakers are right that the T-800 would try to find a new mission--paralleling the old one--to give his life purpose. I think this is a very plausible plot device, and also a great opportunity for irony and parallels, which this franchise thrives on and I personally love.

(There's great fic from Carl's POV on A03 by Tyellas that expands on this that I LOVE, so you should all go read it RIGHT NOW.)

I also LOVE the growing parallels not only between Sarah and Carl, but Carl and Grace that the film keeps emphasizing YASSS.

Sarah is NOT PLEASED to learn she's been manipulated the whole time by the robot who killed her son.Understatement of the year. I was wondering when she was going to shoot him!

"Do you believe in fate, Sarah?" OW, MY HEART.

Oh. Interesting. So when Sarah destroyed Skynet, she released Carl from his programming, thus allowing him to learn?? Okay, I'll buy it. Which means that Carl was released at the same time as the other Terminators in all three films (though we get into the simultaneity problem, but that's a headache for another time). It's plausible if I don't think too hard about it, so I'll buy it. I wish people would stop calling plot elements they don't like/agree with "plot holes". That's... not what it means.

[so who is sending the other terminators? Are they from Legion or Skynet? what is their purpose? Since Sarah is a wanted woman in America, it makes sense if she was killing Terminators in Mexico, which makes me wonder if she's been protecting Dani until now???) I have a feeling the film will not answer this question.]

There's a dog curled up at Carl's feet when they cut to the next scene. This is NOT a plot hole, as some people have claimed. This is actually a clue that Carl IS as human as he claims to be... i.e, he seems to have mastered whatever subtle cues that makes the dog recognize him as human, and not a foreign predator. Obviously, YMMV, but I don't see it as a plot hole.

The secret storage armory is de riguer for a Terminator film, but I also enjoy the deadpan social commentary about human barbarism coming from a reformed murderbot. "And also, this is Texas." He's definitely living in the right state for that.

Wow. The training lesson at the shooting range was everything I could have hoped for. I love Sarah's wry smile as the watermelons explode.

OF COURSE SARAH CONNOR "KNOWS A GUY" with an EMP, lol...

Kudos to Carl for getting his family out of the way and for preparing him for this day. But it's clear he won't be back.

... how about that leather jacket and sunglasses? because he's about to start being way less human and way more machine.

oHHHHH he leaves the sunglasses behind, I was NOT expecting that. NICE WORK.

hello rev-9 smashing the family photographs, that's not symbolic of anything at all.

Hey, did they take all the guns with them or is the REv-9 going to use them against their owner?? was leaving the photo of the van on the fridge intentional? Too early to tell! Either way, ironic given Sarah's caution with photos earlier!

Sarah's withering expression as Carl lectures about interior design is GOLDEN.

I now want a road trip movie about this dysfunctional found family. I cannot believe they are only together for less than 24 hours. Thank goodness for fic.

"I don't commit treason for just anybody," is such a great line and one of my favorites in this film.  

Of course the EMP is probably going to disable/take out Carl AND Grace AND the Rev-9 because that's just how this kind of movie works, but there you go.

Sarah telling Carl to shut the fuck up is GOLDEN, they work so well together. Mommy and Daddy, indeed.

AHHH, the major bringing them the EMP on the sly gets shot. It's tough being a minor character in these films. Dani pulls him into the van but I can't help but notice in that position he's a human shield.

Okay, so leaving photos on the fridge was NOT intentional... maybe Sarah should have had an op-sec chat with Carl about that??

Oh, hey, the flesh-like bit of the REV-9 jumped out of the copter while the chassis keeps flying. That's a neat trick. And the moment where the fleshy bit jumps in and they merge is always cool.

Okay, so they're going to the air base. I guess another fight is in order. Ah, this is where the planes are coming in. Apparently, Grace is piloting. That answers my question from the trailer.

They just run the van right up the ramp and the Major is there to take awkward questions. "District contractors" indeed. I hope he'll survive this movie, but I have my doubts. Oh, he's not going with them - I don't know if that increases his chances or not. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO HE AND SARAH HAVE ANYWAY??

They didn't bother to close up the back before taking off??? Wow. Okay, I guess that works...

Carl uses himself as a shield for Sarah, which just makes her mad...

The Rev-9 flips out of the burning helicopter onto the ramp, and Carl just takes him down and shoots him. It doesn't take, but it's pretty glorious. SARAH AND DANI ROLL THE VAN OVER HIM OH MY GOD.

Needless to say, I'm pretty sure the Rev-9 will be back... in an EVEN BIGGER PLANE.

Oh, so the EMP is dead...? Maybe they can improvise something.

Flasback! Dani beats the punks that are harassing Grace and talks the last guy into not shooting her because "this is what Legion wants us to do". FUCK YEAH.

"FUCK FATE" is basically the motto of this series (and a slightly more concise, if vulgar, reframing of "no fate but what we make for ourselves" or "no fate" in T2).

OH MY GOD THAT LOOK ON FUTURE!DANI'S FACE WHEN SHE RECOGNIZES GRACE...

"You are the future" - okay, this is very moving and dramatic, but I feel like Grace should have mentioned this back on the TRAIN why the fuck did she wait this long.

"You're John..." Sarah gasps... and just adopted a kid. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, Y'ALL. Carl was right, she needs a purpose or else she’s just going to self-destruct.

YESSSSS, I love it when movies answer my questions: apparently future!Dani told Grace not to mention it earlier, because younger!Dani wouldn't be able to handle it. Ah, the ouroboros of causality... I'll buy it, but I still think the film would have been stronger if they had had this conversation earlier on the train.

plane vs. plane hijinks ensue. Grace puts the ship on autopilot so she can actually do stuff. There's a lot of flailing as the ship starts to explode. The REv-9 climbs aboard and uses his oozy bits to rip all the flesh off Carl's hand. There's a humvee with a parachute, but the way the scene is laid out, it's kinda convolunted, but okay.. ... They bust the door open so the humvee can drop out. Carl pins the chassis to the plane but the oozy bits escape and go running free towards them. The plane explodes seconds after the humvee pulls free and parachutes to the ground.... okay.

Sarah Connor's "Aw, fuck," as they land on the hydroelectric dam is GOLDEN.

[justherefortaylorswift]

soooo who else remembers these amazing ASL interpreters at tour???

this is probably one of my favorite videos I took from the Seattle show. We had two ASL artists performing throughout the entire concert and I thought it was so cool. They were pretty incredible. Like, not ONCE did they waver in enthusiasm, expressiveness, or energy. These ladies were poignant and they PERFORMED. Each and every song throughout the entire 4+ hour show (opening acts included!). I can't imagine how exhausting that would be!

If you happen to be someone blessed with the ability to hear music (such as myself) it's natural to initially see this woman and just kind of think to ourselves "oh that's nice", and quickly move on. We acknowledge her, sure. However, ultimately it becomes a trivial detail that's relatively easy to overlook if you’re not impacted by a physical disability.

As humans, we have a tendency to avoid what we do not understand.

Not because we're heartless assholes, but because it's not easy or natural to discern or elicit empathy for stuff we don't “get”.

I'm guilty of this myself. But I've also found that by taking a moment to pause and empathize without sympathizing (NOT the same thing!) is incredibly helpful and makes all the difference. These professional ASL linguists were able to give those who are hard of hearing such a BEAUTIFUL GIFT in helping them experience Taylor live in concert, and to deeply connect with her music and emotions. In addition, the attention to detail with the inclusion of the ASL program in turn provides extra comfort in relieving any feelings of exclusion, apprehension, or fear of ostracization a Swiftie may feel as a result of their disability (which in my opinion, is much more important). It's the best part, because it essentially sends the message of:

"hey, we see you. we care about you! we want you to be comfortable and we REALLY want to make sure you have the time of your life and enjoy the show just like everyone else!”. I'd imagine that the impact that this extra compassionate effort goes far beyond basic "standard accommodations" or "basic convenience" in the eyes of a disabled Swiftie. It likely transcends into something most of us cannot even begin to imagine or comprehend in regards to the significantly more positive difference it makes in the Swiftie's concert experience from beginning to end.

Alright. OK. Yes, I'm fully aware that I'm rambling (again) and have unintentionally written yet another essay... 😩😂

listen.

i just feel like this is a really important topic that kind of doesn't get enough attention so i felt compelled to share.

and to give a "slow clap" to Team Taylor for being freakin' awesome and working so hard and being consistent in their compassion and thoughtful attention detail.

@taylornation (+ crew) we love and appreciate y'all 4 realz💜

*I'm fairly confident that I'm the first person to legitmately use the adjective "bravo!" in a sentence with 100% seriousness since 1952. so there's that.

love,

crystal

@taylorswift

@taylornation

[novantinuum]

jen’s doctor who s11 review

On the whole!

I really enjoyed series 11 for its nice change in pace and especially the relationship built up between Graham and Ryan. I really liked how many of the episodes were lighter and kinda more adventure-y in nature than in past, instead of constant “the world is gonna end” danger. Like I love those kinds of episodes, believe me, but the lighter tone is very welcomed after many series of heart wrenching angst ahahahah! 

I loved how they handled the historical episodes this series, and really dug into the truth of human condition within those time periods, and took risks there. I actually learned a lot about the time periods they visited- for example, I never really heard much about the Pakistan partition in school. 

Thirteen is precious and I want to hug her. She’s so full of hope and that makes me so happy! :DDD I love how she’s a sciency tinkerer and likes cobbling stuff together out of whatever loose ends she can find. I’m still waiting for her to snap, though- maybe that’s just me as an angst lord talking, but I want to see her super super angry. The scene in The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos with her sternly disagreeing with Graham was very good though. But anyways, I love her positivity and her quirky alien charm, and her character feels like a natural progression of where the Doctor left off at the end of Twice Upon a Time. The Doctor has gone through a lot of healing since the Time War, a lot of self reflection and forgiving themself, and Thirteen is absolutely a product of that and it shows. It’s so nice to see them back on their feet, unshackled by that guilt finally, just wandering about the universe like they always did. 

Yasmin is so sweet and so loyal, and h o h boy if there’s anyone I can see sticking with the Doctor until the bitter end out of this crew it’s her. (*nervous laughter*) Out of all the crew she’s the one who’s had the least development though, so I’m looking forward to seeing where she goes as a character moving forward. Also, I hope we see her family more, I like them! Maybe in the New Years special, we’ll see. I’ve absolutely hit the “ADOPT KID” button on Ryan, the more I think about him the more I love him- just, all this time he’s been looking for belonging, for people who aren’t gonna leave him behind like his dad, and he had that with his nan Grace- but he didn’t know if Graham was gonna be the same or if he was only there for him bc of association with Grace. But now through all these adventures through space and time he has absolute proof that Graham will be there for him, and so he’s made the conscious decision to make Graham his family. And Graham, hhh... his grieving throughout the series, while not acting as a shadow on it, was always woven through and it’s nice to see both him and Ryan actually make peace with things through seeing Tim Shaw again and giving him his humble pie. 

In the end when it comes to this series, I love the strong found family vibes it gives. Graham and Ryan and Yaz, they all knew each other in some way before, but they didn’t truly know each other. And through being thrown together with the Doctor, entering her wild adventurous life, they got to grow closer as friends, but more importantly, as a family. The whole series the Doctor was looking for a word to describe her little ragtag group, and she wasn’t exactly sure if “fam” was the right one, but in the end it’s what she settles on because this has become a family. 

Now, what I’m hoping to see more of in the future! 

1) I’d love to see more extended domestic-y TARDIS scenes! We’ve got a lot of pre/post endcap TARDIS scenes, but I’d love to see more small little convos between characters on the way to their destinations, in between, etc. For as long as these episodes were I feel like so much time was spent providing exposition and story for the plot, but I’d love to see more fun nonsense. More glimpses at what they get up to in between, if that makes any sense. (As an example of what I mean, we got a bit of this in The Tsuranga Conundrum, at the very beginning when they were just poking about a junkyard planet, and I quite liked that.)

2) As the characters keep developing I’d love to see more conflict arise between them to test their friendships. We saw some good moments of this with the Doctor telling Ryan to stay behind with Hanne in It Takes You Away after he made a kinda narrow-minded comment about her disability, and when the Doctor flat out told Graham that if he killed Tim Shaw he wouldn’t be traveling with her anymore in the finale. I’d love to see more of this.

3) This may just be because I’m really queer, but I want the Doctor to snap and yell and get really angry at something. That’s the ONE thing that felt entirely missing from this series. In the end I get the sense that this Doctor has a far greater reign on her emotions and self because she’s healed quite a bit, but I still know she’s capable of that righteous anger and I’d love to see Jodie show off her full range with a scene like that.

4) We’ll probably get this in the New Years special, but I’m super anticipating Thirteen facing the Daleks. This is a quintessential thing for every Doctor, in my opinion, and I can’t wait for when they (hopefully!) eventually do that.

5) More of a plot arc. I definitely know the lack of a tight plot arc was because they wanted it to be more accessible for people to just tune in and watch without context,, as they’re gaining some new fans, but I hope that there’s more of a return to an ongoing series plot arc with this next series since everything’s been established. I personally really like those, because I get to be a plot arc detective! I will say that I’m very pleased that Tim Shaw was brought back for the finale, though- that acted as a very nice bookend and helped tie up all the emotional threads.

6) Also not exactly anything I can fault this series for, because I can tell one of the points/themes of it was “not everything is what it seems on the surface” and “sometimes the real monsters,,, are humanity” and I very much respect that, but I do wanna see some more just... alien baddies who ARE baddies and not misunderstood. Listen,, I’m a simple minded person. Love me some monsters! 

My rankings! 

For context, I’m generally very easy with my ratings. I’m not rating them on how critically perfect they are as plots or anything, this is purely based on how much I enjoyed them. I’ve only actually rated nine episodes of Doctor Who 2005-present with scores of 6 or below.

10- Absolutely SUPERB  9- Excellent! 8- Great! 7- Good 6- Okay

1) Demons of the Punjab    (10) This ep made me cry more than any episode of Doctor Who has in a very long time. Incredibly poignant, stunning music and cinematography. Taught me a whole lot I never knew about the partition and how it affected everyday people. I liked how the Doctor assumed the whole time that these aliens were  A good Yaz centric ep, too. It ranks 7th in my list of all-time favorites.  

2) It Takes You Away   (9.5) Wowee, another very poignant one! Some FANTASTIC acting from Jodie in this ep, and a very trippy concept with the sentient universe. Loved getting to see each companion getting a good role to play. ALSO CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH I STAN THAT FROG??? AND THE DOCTOR SEDUCING AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE???? B R U H. Hanne’s actress did a wonderful job too! 

3) Kerblam!   (9) What a heckin fun episode! This one will definitely become one of my comfort eps, I can already tell. The secondary characters were all lovely, and the bots were delightfully unsettling too! I spent the whole thing going “wow I totally experienced this working at Amazon” and I thought that was pretty funny. Also, I might highlight all the wonderful Graham snark we got in this one. 

4) Rosa    (9) Gahhh this was a hard one to watch, but very truthful in its depiction of the time period, and a lovely tribute to an incredibly courageous woman. Shout out to how the ep forced Graham to recognize and accept his white privilege (and the Doctor too for that matter), the scene with Ryan and Yaz discussing racism they’ve had to endure, and also for the scene with the Doctor making jokes about Banksy. That made me laugh. “Banksy doesn’t have one of these! Or do I?”

5) The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos    (9) I was VERY glad to see Tim Shaw return for some finished business, and how it allowed Graham and Ryan to finally get a bit of peace for what happened to Grace because of him. This was a solid ep, with some SOLID character moments between Graham and the Doctor and Graham and Ryan. The Ux were interesting, too.

6) The Woman Who Fell to Earth    (8.5) Solid, fun episode. It wastes no time in setting up who Thirteen will be. Still one of my favorite scenes in this whole series so far is when she builds her own sonic screwdriver- GOD the music there is so damn iconic. And gahhh I love Grace so much. How dare they make me love a character so much and then let her die? Rude. That’s homophobia. XD

7) The Witchfinders   (8.5) The Doctor gets dunked in water and has soaked hair. Dare I say more? No, but I was glad to see an ep with an alien danger that actually IS an alien danger that seeks to destroy and conquer, I always love those- and this one, with weird sentient mud that can fill corpses, was delightfully grim. Willow was a great secondary character, too- loved her especially. 8) The Ghost Monument   (8) Okay so I really loved how slice-of-life this episode was? We actually got to know our secondary characters Angstrom and Epzo and I appreciated that. The bit with the Doctor thinking the TARDIS was gone forever at the end... hhhhhhng... that was such a good scene. You could just see the hope drained from her face, and then to see it all rush back as she finally found her?? W o w I’m so emo, y’all ;D;

9) The Tsuranga Conundrum  (7) So I enjoyed this one, but there were some kinda oddly phrased bits of dialogue in it that marks it down for me. The Pting is a delightfully weird and cursed creature, 10/10, would yeet out of a spacecraft. I already mentioned this, but I LOVE the scene in the junkyard and how slice-of-life it was. I also appreciate how someone called out the Doctor on being selfish during this. 10) Arachnids in the UK   (6.5) So this episode was riding right on the edge of “ehh” for me, but it still has some great moments in it, with the Doctor awkwardly interacting with Yasmin’s family and all those heckin spiders bee-boppin down the hallways to the tune of rap music. XD I can’t exactly pick out why it was an “eh” for me, but it just didn’t click. Maybe I was just hoping it’d be an alien thing and was kinda left wanting with the way the episode felt kinda... unfinished. Like, there’s still a bunch of giant spiders? They didn’t solve that. They just- trapped them and left. I dunno I was left wanting with this ep.

[mychemicalrant]

Getting it on Both Ends

There’s kind of a weird emotional set of walls that someone with aspergers has to walk between. On the one hand, we are visibly set apart from everyone else through our appearance, behavior, interests, etc. On the other hand, we’re not visible enough, so we get accused of all manner of ill intent. This plays out in the following ways:

Wow, you’re autistic.

So I recently went on an interstate trip that, while challenging in many respects (lots of socializing with strangers, changing sleeping environments), went surprisingly well. My dad and I then met up with some old family friends of his, people who had known me since before I was born. They have a stunning, beautiful, amazing, accomplished, incredibly gifted and experienced 19 year old neurotypical daughter who they couldn’t be more proud of. Like, this kid was a superstar in high school and in their little community with friends, boyfriends, admirers from all over. Now she’s working with children and going to college for a degree in Awesome Incredible Career. I...am a 30+ year old job-challenged newly diagnosed autistic with few friends, no car, and have just moved back in with my parent. Suffice it to say my self esteem was a little low. I’ll admit, by this part in the trip I was incredibly weary of traveling and socializing. We had taken this very cross-country trip 15 years ago to see these same people and I remember having a panic attack the whole week from being so far from home, but that’s another story. My point is, I was visibly off. I went outside to spend time by myself, I stimmed like crazy, I drank ungodly amounts of beer, I ate a ton (because eating is readily available and encouraged in that part of the country), and I hyperfocused on a few of my travel interests. I’m a huge fan of collecting things and I like to collect certain things while I’m on the road, so I ended up dragging everyone along to search for these items.

Things were going pretty well, I guess, but in the back of my mind I was stressing. Was I coming off too weird? Too excited? Too distant? Too uncomfortable? I didn’t want to embarrass anyone but I knew I was slipping into the end of my rope. I had just spent one and a half weeks in hotels/stranger’s houses meeting an endless stream of new people in a strange area I wasn’t familiar with. And, like it or not, I’m autistic and always have been even if I didn’t always know it. But there’s something poignant about growing older and still seeing yourself acting outside of your age-appropriate behavioral expectations in front of people much, much younger than you who are absolutely nailing maturity. After all my worrying and insecurity about this...I overheard a conversation I probably wasn’t supposed to hear. The daughter was talking to her dad who has, again, known my parents since before I was born and visited frequently when I was a child. He knew my mom before she died. And he said “...ever since [my mom] died mychemicalrant’s been....weird.” And his daughter said, “Oh, I thought mychemicalrant was nice!” It was a very humbling moment, I guess. I am really nothing at all like my mom, which I think is part of this observation, but the fact of it is that I have had my weirdness blamed on my mom’s death since I was ten. And that never feels good. Because I know I’m really being blamed for autism, and that is something that I can’t help. Getting over tragedy is something that society expects you to do and also provides a context for my inappropriate level of development, but...that’s not what it is. So, ouch.

You can’t be autistic, that’s bullshit!

Anyway. So I’m licking this wound slowly on the drive home. My dad doesn’t say anything to me about my “behavior” (like he would have had to do when I was growing up) so I figure the moment has passed and he’s unaware of the whole thing. See, my biggest fear is my dad getting blamed for my behavior. Like, my parents were always critical of me to a point, but my dad is an Enneagram 9 and he lets things be what they are for the most part. But being a single parent and having a “troubled’ child attracts unwanted attention, and I’m scared to death that my autistic presence will cause some of the legal ruckus it caused when I was a kid. That’s...well, that’s another entire story, and maybe entirely TMI for tumblr. Back to the present: I get home and call my friend to tell her of this experience and how it made me feel. She was sympathetic about it, which encouraged me to share some really good news from my vacation:

I made a new friend who is really fascinated in me (cool) and this person friended me on FB. In doing so, she found my months old Autism Diagnosis Coming Out post and commented on it, which bumped it up to everyone else’s timeline. I had thought everyone had seen it and chosen not to say anything, but suddenly I was getting a stream of supportive and loving messages from old friends, including a friend of mine who is pursuing their own diagnosis right now. !! I was very excited about this, and mentioned it to my friend on the phone, who knows this person. And suddenly all of the polite, restrained, “You’re undergoing a spiritual journey right now that means you will overcome your autism when you’ve learned XYZ spiritual lessons” in regards to MY diagnosis became “There is no way they’re autistic, they’re a fucking spoiled only child who got everything they wanted from their mom because they threw a tantrum if they didn’t, they are autistic like I’M autistic, please!” Me: This friend got along with their mom as well as you get along with yours?? My friend: Yeah, exactly, [Friend] is exactly like me! A spoiled only child who didn’t learn social skills because their parent didn’t teach them! Me: ...You know I’m an only child too, right? My friend: Oh, but your situation is TOTALLY different, I mean, blah blah blah...

Yikes. This conversation has stuck with me. First of all, I’m really proud of my other friend for seeking a diagnosis. I have always known they struggle with some form of executive dysfunction and a diagnosis makes that make so much sense. I’m super proud that they are pursuing this path. Also, it does not surprise me that my friends might also be on the spectrum or otherwise neurodivergent because these are the people I was closest with. I um...don’t have the heart to tell my friend in the aforementioned conversation that I strongly suspect she may be somewhere near the spectrum, too. My point is, not everyone believes me when I tell them I have autism because they have a built in, violent, cruel, irrelevant stereotype of autism in their minds. (My friend worked with troubled children from broken homes who included kids with autism, and naturally these kids looked/acted nothing like me.) But it was the vitriol with which she body slammed our mutual friend while pretending to begrudgingly accept my diagnosis that took me aback. It made me think a lot: if my friend who is seeking a diagnosis doesn’t have autism and is instead a spoiled only child who didn’t learn to socialize (this person is actually extremely empathic, generous, and creative), why does my other friend think they are pursuing a diagnosis? I didn’t have the energy to ask, but I had a few guesses. And none of them reflected well on my friend’s feelings towards me and my diagnosis. So, there you have it. On the one hand, I’m so “weird” I’ve had the cops and CPS called on my family to investigate potential abuse because my behavior indicated that something was seriously wrong at home, and growing up I was a constant source of embarrassment for my parents. On the other hand, I can’t possibly be autistic because only little boys who bite and scratch and hit their moms with broken bottles are autistic. It’s an uncomfortable place to be. I’ve had legitimately had my feelings hurt by being called out for being autistic and called out for "not really having autism” in the same week.

I think this is not unusual for those who would otherwise have fallen through the cracks, diagnostically-speaking. But, here’s where I’m at right now emotionally. I am trying to adjust to life in a new place (that part is going really well) and adjust to my new understanding of myself as autistic. This isn’t easy when I have to oscillate between shame (I really am autistic and this does have social consequences, not just for me but for those around me) and worry that I’m not “autistic enough” and I’m somehow defrauding those who are truly disabled or lying to everyone about my condition. In other words, I am still trying to define my relationship to autism. I have a lot of pain and shame to wander through first.

[tragicbeauty1991]

POTC 5: Barbossa, Salazar, and an Alternate Ending

WARNING: SPOILERS

I have been a big fan of the POTC franchise since the beginning, and while I honestly think that Disney is trying too hard to milk every last penny from it and that POTC 5 should be the last of the series (or perhaps that it should have ended before now), I will say that, despite its flaws, the most recent installment wrapped up a lot of loose ends nicely and gave us some great additions to POTC lore and character development. While Jack, unfortunately, suffered a bit in this film--his usual wit and charm replaced almost entirely with attempts at comic relief--Barbossa and Salazar generally make up for it.

Throughout the series, Barbossa has been, in my opinion, one of the most morally ambiguous and well-developed characters, and this installment only furthered my convictions. Originally viewed as a villain opposite Jack, Will, and Elizabeth in the first film, by film number three, he has teamed up with the main couple to help rescue Jack and fight against the "bigger" Big Bads Davy Jones and the British Navy. Here, he is portrayed as being a bit more noble (well, by pirate standards, anyway) and shows great respect for Elizabeth as the Pirate King when she steps up and leads them into battle. By film number four, he has apparently become a privateer (though primarily out of a desire to hunt down Blackbeard in revenge for taking The Pearl, and with it, his leg) but this endeavor doesn't last long, and as soon as Blackbeard is off the radar, he goes back to his pirating ways. And even AS a privateer, we see a moment of what cruelty he is capable of when he leaves his crew to die at the hands of the mermaids. Nevertheless, he pretty much fully redeems himself in the most recent film through his relationship with his daughter. While, admittedly, it was a bit cheesy and perhaps somewhat out of character at times, I loved the implication that there was once a woman Barbossa genuinely loved and that, upon her death, thinking himself incapable of raising the child, he was actually strong enough to do the right thing and find a place to take her in. It was strange yet incredibly touching getting to see this softer side of Barbossa. The moment Carina slapped him for (supposedly) insulting her father, you could see it in his eyes that he was torn between feeling hurt and ashamed of what he was and simultaneously being proud of her for having the guts to stand up to a pirate of his stature in defense of her father. I would honestly have loved to get an entire film's worth of father/daughter moments between these two, and after seeing him come so far as to be willing to sacrifice himself for her safety, I really hated to see him go. More on that later...

As for Salazar, I am not yet quite sure what to think about him or how to categorize his character. On the one hand, we have to remember that we are (technically) rooting for the "bad guys" by society's standards, and while we all love Jack & co., pirates were a real and troubling threat to merchant vessels, the navy, etc. Not everyone they attacked deserved it, and not all pirates are as morally decent as Jack, Will, Elizabeth, etc. usually are. In his mind, Salazar is doing his duty to society and protecting the innocent. Yes, we get a glimpse of him refusing to show mercy to a group of pirates who have surrendered, but to be fair, had their roles been reversed, many pirates might not have shown mercy either. Additionally, Salazar has a personal motivation to dislike pirates, as they were responsible for the deaths of both his father and grandfather--men whom he looked up to, respected, and probably loved. We don't know exactly how old he was when this happened, but if he was still a child at the time, it would have been EXTREMELY difficult for his mother, as a single woman during a time when most respectable women were not employed much outside the home, to support him and herself. Furthermore, Jack--as a boy--both humiliated him and doomed him to what must have felt like an eternity of a ghostly/undead existence trapped in the Devil's Triangle. I was reminded, here, of a parallel between the Salazar/Jack relationship and that of Captain Hook and Peter Pan... Jack, much like Peter, is the young, cocky boy who somehow manages to get the best of the more experienced, older sailor. In the original novel, there is actually a line about how Hook (who is stuck in a place which for a child is paradise but for an adult is a living nightmare) feels like a lion in trapped in a cage into which a sparrow has flown. Similarly, Salazar himself tells us that he is the one who gave Jack the surname "Sparrow" because he was "up in the crow's nest...like a...like a little bird." Whether or not the parallels were intentional, I don't know, but as a long-time fan of Hook, it definitely made Salazar a more interesting and sympathetic character to me. On the other hand, Salazar is incredibly legalistic (like Inspector Javert on steroids), obsessive, merciless, and unnecessarily cruel. I realize the Spanish and English navies weren't exactly friendly toward each other, but you have to admit, Salazar and his crew slaughtering the members of the British navy who enter the Devil's Triangle was rather uncalled for. It's like he did it just because he could. He is also so focused on ending Jack's life that he leaves his newly un-cursed crew to drown at the bottom of the sea. Then again...Barbossa did almost the exact same thing with his privateer crew in the previous film when he left them for the mermaids, and we still root for him... Why is it that when Will Turner seeks revenge on Davy Jones for cursing his father or when Barbossa seeks revenge on Blackbeard for stealing the Pearl and the loss of his leg, we root for them, yet when Salazar has an equally legitimate reason to hate Jack, he is a villain? (I know, I know... Because it's Jack's story and you can't really dislike the protagonist. But still...) Salazar is an interesting guy, and it just seemed WAY too easy to have him turn mortal for all of five minutes and then immediately kill him off. Plus, I felt bad because DID YOU SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE TURNED HUMAN AGAIN?!?! He was practically on the verge of weeping for joy! I really wish they would have allowed for him to potentially return in human form for future films. I also have to wonder, having earlier mentioned his likeness to Javert, if put in a similar situation in which the pirates shattered his illusion of the world as morally black and white, he might have had a change of heart (or ya know...a mental breakdown...). Either way, I wish we got more Salazar.

...Which brings me back to the point I was making before... As moving and poignant as Barbossa's death was, I don't believe that was actually necessary. Realistically, with Salazar mortal and his entire crew swept away by the sea, it would have been easy for Jack's crew to take him out once the anchor was raised and everyone was back onboard the Pearl. He would have been severely outnumbered, and they could have easily killed him or taken him captive. True, you could argue that Barbossa was worried Salazar would get to Carina first and harm her before they were back on the ship, but with him in mortal form, all Carina would really have to do to disable him is give him a swift kick in the face. Besides, if she hadn't been so overwhelmed in the moment, I don't think Carina would have willingly let go of her father's hand. She literally JUST found out that the man who saved her life, the infamous pirate captain of Blackbeard's former ship The Queen Anne's Revenge, is the man she has spent her entire life searching for. You can't convince me that she wouldn't have clung to him for dear life if she had been in her right mind. I don't blame her, mind you--it's a lot to take in in such a short amount of time, and I don't think she had time to fully process it all, but if she had thought about it, I'm certain she would have refused to let him go.

So imagine it, for a moment....

xxxxx

Barbossa guided her hand to the chain, telling her to hold on as he began to loosen his grip, a sad smile on his face. He only just met his daughter but he was already so proud of her. It was a shame he wouldn't get to spend more time with her, but perhaps it was better this way.  She had slapped him when he had insulted her father before she knew who he was. If she had known then, he thought, she might have slapped him a second time. Perhaps now, at least, she might see him as something more heroic than the disappointment that he was.

It didn't take long for Carina to realize what he was doing, her face turning white with horror as his fingers began to slip.

"NO!" she screamed, latching onto his wrist. "I've spent all my life searching for you, and now I've finally found you! I'm not letting you go now!"

He had not planned for this. He had hoped to go out in figurative blaze of glory, hoped that in his death he might redeem himself in her eyes and make up for the years he had left her alone in the world. But she wouldn't let him have that satisfaction. She wouldn't let him go that easily. There was a fierce determination in her eyes, eyes that remind him of another woman he had once loved. And so for her sake, he held on--tighter than he has ever held onto anything in his life.

As the anchor rose from the water, he saw the crew of the Pearl coming to their aid.

"Hector!" Jack shouted down at him from the deck where the others have helped him aboard. There was genuine worry in his voice.

Strange, he mused, how far they have come. For as long as they had known each other, they had always alternated between being at each other's throats and being brothers in arms. He had once gone to the ends of the earth--to hell and back, as it were--for the Pearl...but also partially for Jack, he admitted. And seeing his current expression, he had no doubts that Jack would do the same for him because, at the end of the day, pirates though they were, they would always have each other's back.

He climbed aboard, soaked to the skin and looking far more like a wet rat than the fearsome captain that he was, Jack and Gibbs each grabbing an arm to steady him while Henry helped Carina. He recalled, for a moment, the highly unorthodox wedding ceremony he'd performed on the deck of this very ship all those years ago and smiled almost fondly at the boy, wondering if perhaps he'd be performing another in a couple of years. He had missed so much of his daughter's life... He hoped it wasn't too late to change that.

Apparently, it wasn't because the moment her feet hit the deck, she was embracing first Henry, then him.

"Father," she whispered.

And for the first time in many, many years, he felt the sting of tears behind his closed eyes.

But the moment was cut short as the last few feet of the chain holding the anchor rose from the depths of the sea, carrying with it a final passenger who hoisted himself over the railing and onto the deck--Captain Armando Salazar, in the flesh, at last. Long strands of dark hair, no longer floating freely as they had in his ghostly form, were plastered against his face, but his uniform--though stuck to his skin with the weight of the water it had absorbed--was as pristine-looking as ever. His face had a bit of color now--more olive than the ghastly chalky complexion they'd seen before, but it hardly diminished his intimidating presence, his eyes still hard and cold.

But intimidating or not, he was no longer immortal. And without a weapon in his hand or at his side--the sword he usually carried having been lost to the sea in the midst of all the chaos--he was, for all intents and purposes, defenseless. He was outnumbered, out gunned, and on a ship which was not his own. He was at their mercy.

Almost immediately, there were a half a dozen swords pointed at his throat and nearly twice as many pistols aimed at his chest, no longer permeable as mist but made of flesh and bone beneath which lay the beating heart of a man. His weakness became apparent at nearly the same moment that he felt the heat of the sun upon his cheek and the gentle sea breeze ruffle his hair for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. In the span of seconds, his face displayed a vast array of emotions almost too quickly for his mind to keep up--the proud, determined look of a hunter having cornered his prey replaced instantaneously with that of immeasurable joy, realization, fear, rage, and defeated resignation.

Surprisingly, Jack was the first to lower his weapon, but it wasn't so much a gesture of mercy as it was an insult. There was no need  for a weapon now. The Spaniard had climbed aboard the Pearl without any men of his own and was now its captain's prisoner. His only choice was between Jack's crew and the sharks...and the latter would be much less forgiving. Having experienced death himself before, Jack knew that no sane man who had escaped such a fate would ever take his own life, no matter how desperate. And even if he had considered it, Salazar's pride would not allow it.

"It would seem," Jack said, striding across the deck, "that El Matador del Mar has once again met his match. The butcher's bill has been paid in full. You and your crew have had your humanity restored--that counts for something, I should think. I took your life once. I've no desire to take it again, so what say we simply call it even and agree to disagree until I can drop you off on some nice, deserted island, savvy?"

"My crew," Salazar spat, "is at the bottom of the sea."

"Well, that's not my problem, now, is it? I'm not their captain who left them there to drown."

The Spaniard took a step toward him, forgetting for a moment that he no longer held the sword which often doubled as his cane. He stumbled, then, landing in a heap at Jack's feet, as his knees buckled at the searing pain that shot up his leg. He was spewing curses, swearing like the sailor that he was in a garbled mix of Spanish and English so viciously that an onlooker who did not speak a word of either language wouldn't have needed a translation.

"You...!!!" he seethed. "You took EVERYTHING from me!"

He was clawing at the deck, trying desperately to pull himself up, but his leg was too weak. His mortality had returned in full force, bringing with it the fresh pain of an old wound that he had not been able to feel for years. He dragged himself over to the mast that he might have something to brace himself against, crawling on his hands and knees.

"My pride, my ship, my crew, my family, my life, my very soul..." He propped himself up against the mast, too tired and too ashamed to struggle any further. "What more do you want from me?!"

Jack's gaze softened. "Nothing," he said quietly. "I never wanted anything from you but my freedom. I wanted you out of my way, I wanted you lost at sea...but I swear on my life I never intended for you to end up..." He gestured to his face, trailing his fingers in lines of imaginary squid ink dribbling down his chin, smacking his lips as though even the thought left a horrid taste in his mouth and shuddered. "Wouldn't wish that on anyone."

"You have no idea what sort of hell I have been through."

"Oh, I think I can imagine..."

It was not Jack but Barbossa who had spoken.

Perhaps it was only because Carina was watching and being a father made him want to be a better man, but for whatever reason, Barbossa felt compelled to take pity on the man. Jack had been to The Locker, it was true. And that in and of itself was enough to drive a man to madness... But he had not spent years cursed in an undead state like he and the original crew of the Pearl had. That was something entirely different and drew forth memories of a time which Barbossa did not recall with any fondness. He stepped forward, his own bejeweled peg leg dragging slightly as he walked--another area in which he could all too easily empathize with the man propping himself up against the mast.

"Ye're always starvin' but food turns tah ash in your mouth. Always dyin' of thirst, yet nothin' ever quenches it. Ye cannot feel--not the sun or the rain on yer face nor the softness of a woman's touch nor the fiery sting of cold steel slicin' yer skin. Yer heart no longer beats, yet somehow ye're still alive. Everything that once had meanin' is empty and hollow. Ye're a dead man walkin'."

Salazar bore a pained expression. For a moment, he could not find his voice. Then...

"How...?" he croaked.

"Yer not the only man what has been cursed in such a manner and lived to tell the tale. Or rather...come back from the dead to tell it."

At this, Carina gave a start. Realizing that the undead were real was one thing. Realizing that her long-lost father (who also happened to be a pirate captain) had once been among them was quite another. But that, she supposed, was a story for another day. She had so many questions already. Life with her father, it seemed, would be much more complicated than she had anticipated. Yet she could not deny a slight thrill at the thought of more adventures at his side.

"'Twas our greed and our pride that did us in," Barbossa continued. "Aztec gold, cursed by the pagan gods... We were warned of the consequences, but we heeded them not. 'Twas yer own pride that did ye in as well, I suspect. Nothin' would do but tah take yer revenge on every last pirate sailin' in the Spanish Main for the deaths of yer father and his father before him. I can't rightly say that I blame ye for that... Ye say that we're not worthy of bein' called men at all, that we are loathsome creatures lower than the bilge rats and the barnacles on the hull of a ship. That may be so. I am hardly an honest man."

He glanced briefly at Carina, looking somewhat ashamed, then returned his attention to Salazar.

"Yet ye do it in the name of honor and justice. But if it's vengeance yer seekin', then ye ought to at least have the decency tah call it what it is like the rest of us... There's as much blood on yer hands as there is on ours. Perhaps more. If ye be satisfied knowin' that, then by all means, continue yer reign as El Matador del Mar--that is, assumin' ye make it off this ship alive. But if ye want tah keep tellin' yerself yer better than us humble pirates, now's the time tah prove it. Not all men make it to hell and back alive, and one thing I can tell ye, when yer given a second chance at life, ye ought not tah waste it."

He looked back at Carina.

"Take it from someone who's wasted too many second chances already."

The Spaniard laughed bitterly. "You think that by sparing me you may spare yourselves of my wrath when I am free? My life was devoted to hunting down men like you--murderous thieves who take what they can and give nothing back. Without that, what am I?" He glared at Jack. "Give me a weapon, and I will fight you to the death. Or kill me now, like a man. But stop this foolish pretense! We both know what you are, Jack Sparrow!"

"Firstly," Jack replied, "there should be a 'captain' in there somewhere. Secondly, despite what you may think, I am neither stupid enough to give you a weapon nor cruel enough to kill an unarmed man. So it seems we are at an impasse."

He began pacing the deck.

"You know, I once knew a man who thought like you."

He paused to glance at Henry.

"His father was a pirate...AND a good man. Took him awhile to accept that."

His gaze returned to Salazar.

"Truth is, the world's not all black and white, mate, and thank goodness for that because it would be a dreadfully dull place if it was. For example..." He spread his arms wide, taking a mock bow. "I am a pirate. I admit to that. But I am not a cold-blooded killer. You, on the other hand..." He pointed at Salazar with the tip of his sword. "Well, let's just say they don't call you 'The Butcher' for nothing. Now tell me, mate, which one of us is the better man?"

For a moment, Salazar was silent. Then, he looked to Henry.

"You, boy...your father is the captain of the Dutchman?"

"Yes, sir."

Salazar nodded soberly. "A good man."

"And a former pirate, I might add," Jack interjected.

But a deadly glare from the Spanish captain quickly silenced him.

"Right," he apologized. "Sorry. Continue."

"He tried to come for us, once. To ferry us to the next world...to set us free from this curse, that we might be at peace." He laughed darkly. "But there are some places too cursed for even the Dutchman to go."

Henry nodded soberly. "I'm sorry. He would have done more if he could have, I'm sure."

Salazar returned the gesture. Though he could not fully explain why, he had a great deal of respect for the boy. He had seen the terror in the boy's eyes when his crew attacked the British naval ship, yet despite his fear, he did not run but looked death in the face. He was confident, yet not cocky like Jack; quiet, yet he did not hesitate to speak his mind when necessary. And there was another quality the boy had which he did not expect of one with such close ties to pirates--honor. Possessing the boy had given him a glance into the heart and soul of the young man before him, their consciousness merging until one man's thoughts and emotions were barely distinguishable from the other. He had seen Jack, then, through the boy's eyes...and he had seen the monster he had become--internally as well as externally, his humanity all but gone. It had been deeply disturbing. Recalling the boy's thoughts now, he remembered something which he hadn't taken notice of before, a troubled frown forming on his lips. His eyes shifted tentatively to Jack, and for a moment, he merely held his gaze, causing the pirate to squirm uncomfortably.

"While I was controlling the boy's mind," he began, "I saw something...not a memory--at least, not a memory of his... More like a dream...like visions of a legend...a story he had been told as a child.... His father was still a mortal then.... He was dying. You had the heart of Davy Jones in your hand, ready to become the next captain of that otherworldly ship that you yourself might gain immortality.... But you chose to save him instead.... Is this true?"

"Well, now, 'saved' is a rather strong word, given that becoming the captain of said ship comes with its own curses which is how we ended up in this bloody mess to begin with, searching for the trident...."

Salazar scowled impatiently.

"But technically speaking, yes."

"I see..." The Spaniard looked to Henry. "You trust this man? This...this pirate?"

Henry slowly lifted his eyes to Jack, then smiled. "With my life, sir."

Salazar grunted.

"Captain..."

"Yes?" Barbossa, Jack, and Salazar answered simultaneously.

Realizing the need for clarification, Henry started again. "Er...that is...Captain Salazar... If I may ask... While I was subject to your power, I endured a nightmare like nothing I had ever experienced before. I felt...so cold, so isolated... It was as if I were drowning in a darkness and despair so deep that it smothered everything else--all thoughts and emotions consumed by what must have been the last thing that you felt in life...a burning, blinding rage. It was suffocating, as though I was so far removed from humanity that I had forgotten everything and everyone else in the world... My entire identity was gone, my own memories were unreachable--a distant, foggy dream. And yet...one name remained on the tip of my tongue, a name I do not know...."

"Maria," Salazar whispered reverently.

"The Silent Mary.... It isn't just the name of a ship, is it?" Henry asked. "Who was she?"

There was a wistful gleam in his eyes. It was the most vulnerable, the most human, he had looked since regaining his mortality.

"The most beautiful woman in all of Spain...my wife." He smiled sadly. "She was with child when I left. She didn't want me to go. Of course, I told her not to worry, and I promised her that that mission would be my last.... But then...I never came home." He looked at Jack. "That is why I was so angry." He sighed. "I do not know what became of them. She has probably long forgotten about me. If she is even still alive...I doubt she or the child would want to see me now. They would not believe my story...and if they did, they would be repulsed by what I became. I have nothing now. Nothing. No crew at sea, no one waiting at home...." He eyed Jack's sword almost pleadingly. "What is left but to fight one last fight and at least die with a little honor? Perhaps this time, I will have peace."

"You do your family a great disservice, sir." This time, it was Carina who spoke. "If she loved you as much as you love her, then I am certain she never gave up hope. Nor did her child."

"Oh? How do you know that?"

She was addressing Salazar, but her eyes were on Barbossa, bright with unshed tears.

"The same way that I knew someday, somehow, I would find my father.... And if you truly care about them, who you are...or who you were...none of that will matter when they finally see you."

"Ah, but you forget... I have neither ship nor crew--"

"We'll help you find them," Henry blurted.

"We will?" asked Jack.

"Aye," Barbossa slapped Jack on the back. "We will."

"Wait a moment! Wait a moment!" Jack waved his hands. He gestured to Barbossa. "You're a pirate." He pointed to Salazar. "He's a pirate hunter. You want to help him, yet he wants to kill us. DID I BLOODY MISS SOMETHING?!?"

"Well, seein' as we are aboard MY ship, I don't see why it should concern ye, Jack," Barbossa grinned.

"I believe you mean MY ship," Jack corrected him. "You may have your Queen Anne's Revenge, but the Pearl is mine. I saved her from Blackbeard's stash of shrunken ships and protected her with me life."

"Aye, but I'm the one who freed her for ye. Mister Gibbs," he addressed the first mate.

"Aye, sir?"

"Set a course fer Spain. We've a long journey ahead of us, so we'd best be gettin' started."

Gibbs, who had long grown used to the two captains bickering over the ownership of the Pearl, nodded, assuming they would eventually come to some sort of agreement, as they always did.

"Aye-aye, sir."

"Oh, and Gibbs?" Barbossa stopped him. "Don't fly the colors."

"Do I get any say in this at all?" Jack protested.

Barbossa, Carina, and Henry answered in unison. "No!"

Jack sighed. "Alright... Well, then..." He offered Salazar his hand. "I suppose we have a truce?"

Salazar hesitated, then grudgingly accepted the offer, bracing himself against the mast as he pulled himself up to his full height.

"Truce." Salazar leaned in so his mouth was just above Jack's ear. "But know this, Sparrow... If I happen to end up on the seas again, if you ever attack a Spanish ship...."

"I know, I know.... You'll hunt me down and destroy me." He grinned. "Wouldn't expect anything less from you, Captain."

He turned to leave but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

"Sparrow...."

Jack looked back at the man who had spent a lifetime of hating men like him and saw the faintest gleam of something that almost resembled respect.

"Gracias."

Jack nodded. As he walked away, he breathed a sigh of relief, striding up beside Barbossa. "Hector, you owe me one for this," he grumbled.

Barbossa, who had uncorked a bottle of rum, took a large swig and offered a sip to Jack, who graciously accepted.

"Go easy on it, Jack. We've naught but a few barrels left, and as we be sailin' away from the Caribbean, it may be awhile before we get the chance to restock."

Jack sighed again and shook his head, looking sadly at the bottle. "Why is the bloody rum always gone?"

[ficdirectory]

The Fosters: Our Thoughts on Episode 5x08 “Engaged”

Time for another twin recap with me and my sis, @tarajean621.  Truth time?  These are getting tough to do.  I guess it’s a good thing that there’s only one more week?  :(

FAMILY DINNER - KITCHEN:

Mariana: We moved prom up this year, so we don’t have to compete for venues, but now we’re way behind.  So I was hoping my lovely family could pitch in?

Jesus: Can I even GO to prom?

Callie: I’m probably not gonna go...  Aaron’s in college.  

Brandon:  Yeah. Same here.

Tonia:  So...is no one gonna answer Jesus’s question?

Tara: It is referenced later that Moms have been actively avoiding conversations that may lead to “outbursts.”  However, in doing so, Stef is literally pretending Jesus does not exist here.  Please don’t be like Stef.  All people appreciate being acknowledged and feeling heard - disabled people included.

Brandon:  I know this is kinda last minute but Dad and Ana’s engagement party has to be this weekend.

Jesus: Uh, can Emma come?  Come on, it’s been a week.  So I can see her, right?  

Tonia:  I was surprised to learn Lena specified a time limit on banning Jesus from seeing Emma.  It’s been a week since Jesus has been threatened with institutionalization.  A week since Lena started her scary-as-hell search for cures for him.  We know they’ve gone gluten free for him, controlling what he eats, already.  I guess I should be glad he’s eating spaghetti with the fam?

Tara: It has also been a week since the 3.5 - 7 hour proficiency test and less than a week since the neuropsychological assessment that took “all day.”  It is a fact that these tests took place within days of each other.  I am so horrified.

Lena: Honey, it’s a family party, so no girlfriends or boyfriends.

Tonia:  Since when don’t Moms allow SO’s at parties?  (Just since trying to control every move Jesus makes?  Yeah, I thought so...)

Jesus: [scoffs]  Uh... Emma’s not just my girlfriend...

Mariana: [teasing] Right.  She’s your FIANCEE.

Stef: Mariana...

Jesus: [puts his napkin down, gets up from the table]  I’m done.

Tonia:  This stuck out to me when we watched.  The re-emergence of “I’m done” which we heard Jesus say really early on in his recovery.  He’s clearly stressed.  And Mariana just gets a mild reprimand for totally mocking the legitimacy of Jesus’s engagement to Emma.  No wonder he’s done...

Tara:  Aphasia worsens with stress.  Aphasia worsens with stress.  Aphasia worsens with stress.

Moms and Mariana do not take his engagement seriously.  

Jesus is forced to revert to what he can say, which is “I’m done.”  It is important to note that this is not an issue of impoliteness. 

Also, remember that with aphasia, the phrase “I’m done” might communicate more than “I am finished with my dinner, and I would like to be excused.”

Other possible meanings include but are not limited to:

- “I’m frustrated, and I need a break.”

- “I’m overwhelmed, and I need a break.”

- “I’m upset about Mariana teasing me, and I need a break.”

- “I’m upset that Moms won’t allow me to see Emma even though I’m not grounded anymore, and I need a break.”

Lena:  Hey.  Could you please ask to be excused?

Jesus: Yeah.  Can I be excused?

[pause]

Lena: Yes, you may.

Jesus: Thanks.  [Jesus leaves the kitchen]

Tonia:  My favorite thing about this is the way Jesus asks to be excused, because as words on the page, his tone might read as Jesus “being good.”  Quiet.  Obedient.  But there’s an urgency here.  His tone of voice communicates so much more than his words.  He’s losing patience.  Can’t put up with being treated like this.  Nor should he have to.  

Tara: Lena does treat this as an issue of politeness.  She is policing Jesus’s speech and forcing him past his limits.

In this instance, Jesus has enough framework to be able to complete the required exchange, but the fact remains that Forcing “Acceptable” Speech When Confronted With Someone’s Limits Is Abusive.  

Consider what may have happened if Jesus had been unable to ask to be excused:

1) He may have been forced to sit with the family, while stressed and physically unable to take a break.

2) Jesus decides to leave the table without being excused, prompting Moms to reprimand him.

If either one had happened, Jesus would be receiving punishment for his communication disorder.  

As the scene played out, Jesus’s limits were not respected.  He was treated not with understanding, but as someone being willfully rude.

Tips: 

1) Accept the communication the person is able to give you.  (Remember that behavior is communication.)

It may not be pretty.  It may seem “rude.”  But give them the benefit of the doubt.  Chances are high that they are using the only words available to them at a given moment.

2) Ask clarifying questions that the person in question can say/indicate yes or no to if needed.

3) Set aside a time (ideal for the person with aphasia) to discuss how you can best support them communication-wise.  Realize that this will likely be an ongoing conversation.

4) Be patient.  Know that the person with aphasia is doing the best they can.  

Mariana: Is he ever gonna be normal again?

Tonia: Okay, Moms you seriously need to derail this ableism train.  I’m not kidding.  Jesus is normal.  It’s normal for someone to want to get away from being consistently dismissed, controlled and not taken seriously.  The fact that Stef and Lena are just letting comments like this slide and not taking anything Jesus says seriously is only hurting him more.

Tara: This notion hurts not only TBI survivors but disabled people in general.  Our brains and bodies will never conform to a nondisabled standard.  To ask us to “be normal” is asking us to hate ourselves.

JESUS AND GABE - GARAGE APARTMENT

Gabe: [eating a plate of spaghetti]  Mmm.  Thanks for the food.

Jesus: Yeah, it would’ve gone bad anyway.  So, we’re having a party on Saturday for Mike and Ana...

Gabe: I know.  Ana invited me.

Jesus: Yeah, well, you gonna go?

Gabe: I don’t think Mike would want me there.  I know her parents won’t.  

Jesus: But they wrote you the letter.  To get you off the sex offender list.

Gabe:  It’ll get awkward.  Trust me.

Jesus: Why?  ‘Cause you still love her?

Gabe: I never said that.

Jesus: Yeah, you did.  You said she’s the only woman that you’ve ever loved.

Tara: (What was that about Jesus having trouble with memory and recall?) ;)

Gabe: Okay.  But she’s marrying Mike, so--

Jesus: Because she doesn’t know how you feel about her!  Maybe.  I--

Gabe: Well, neither do I.  But I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t make a difference anyway.

Jesus: Okay.  Well, they’re getting married in a MONTH.  So just...if you figure it out?  Don’t wait until it’s too late.

Tonia:  So much about this exchange stands out to me.  First, I just breathe a giant sigh of relief that Jesus and Gabe are having a legit conversation where Jesus’s words have weight.  

But also?  Jesus only knows one way to relate to his bio parents (referenced in season 2) and that is to take care of them.  Here, he brings Gabe food.  This always feels especially poignant knowing how thoroughly the twins were neglected as babies and prior to foster care at age five.  He’s looking out for Gabe.  Taking care of Gabe.  Making sure he has enough to eat, and also trying to ensure that Gabe’s relationships are repaired and he has no regrets.  

Because if Gabe is happy, then he won’t leave, and Jesus won’t be abandoned again.

STEF AND LENA - THEIR ROOM, BEFORE BED:

Stef: How long are we gonna let Jesus think that he’s engaged?  I mean, I say we go in there right now and tell him that he’s not getting married.  He is going back to school or I WILL arrest him.

Tonia:  Oh that sounds like a perfect plan, Stef <--- Sarcasm  Also, newsflash?  Emma accepted the ring! 

Tara: Jesus does not think he’s engaged. He is actually engaged.

Lena: That’s not gonna work.  Trust me.  I’ve seen it.  The more we demand, the more defiant he gets.  Besides, does it matter what the motivation is if it gets him back to school?  

Tonia:  OH MY GOSH MOTHERS.  

Maybe you could try this thing you seem to employ with all your other children?  And instead of assuming Jesus is automatically going to get defiant you sat down and talked with him.  

Since his brain injury, I have not seen one conversation that is just them checking in with their son because they genuinely want to know how he is feeling emotionally.  Even the conversation when Jesus found out about Emma’s abortion was brought about because he came to them, and they were checking in with him to cover the fact that they already knew about the abortion...

I wish they would just respect him enough to talk to him...

Tara: I don’t even know what to say.  Stef thinks the engagement is a figment of Jesus’s imagination. Lena doesn’t care that he (thinks he’s) engaged as long as it gets him back to school? 

Stef: What does Emma think about all this?

Lena: Well, you said yourself she’s got a good head on her shoulders.  And for all we know, with Jesus’s TBI?  This whole thing could be in his head.

Tara: Dismissal is ableism.  

Lena:  I seriously doubt she agreed to MARRY him.

Tara: Wow. And here we have the notion that Disabled People Are Unattractive And/Or Unworthy Of Being A Spouse.  By Jesus’s own mother. A kick to the chest would hurt less.

Stef: I think that we should find out.  

Tonia:  I can’t explain how painful it is to see, so consistently, how little faith Moms have in Jesus now.  Just how little they value him and respect him as a human being.  

This is a very real depiction of ableism that people with brain injuries can and do endure.  But it’s also shown that Moms are right in treating Jesus so terribly, because he has a brain injury.  And that is just plain dangerous.  No matter what disability someone has, always presume competence (assume they are capable of understanding you, of making decisions, etc.)  A brain injury is not a free pass to abuse someone.  Being family to someone with a brain injury is not a free pass to control and dismiss them.  To threaten them with institutionalization and look up torture methods to “cure” them.  That’s not love.  That’s not help.  That is ableism.  That is abuse.

I guarantee you, though, if the ableism around Jesus were not a thing (even just from his family) he’d feel that.  His stress level would go down, and then, maybe, he’d be able to open up to his family when he needed to talk, or needed advice or help with something.  Jesus would be able to start to come to terms with what’s happened to him.  And he’d be able to feel loved while he did it.

Tara: These types of comments chip away at the self-worth of the disabled community.  

LENA AND EMMA - LENA’S OFFICE AT SCHOOL, THE NEXT DAY:

Emma: You wanted to see me?

Lena: Oh, Emma.  Hi. [Lena walks over and takes Emma’s hands, looking to see if she is wearing Jesus’s ring.]  How are you?  [Emma isn’t wearing the ring.]

Emma: Is everything okay?

Lena: [Lets go of Emma’s hands.]  Yes.  Everything is fine.  We just wanted to let you know why you haven’t been allowed at the house.

Emma: [nervously] I get it.  I told him, he shouldn’t have gone to that party.

Lena: Well, we didn’t want you to think it had anything to do with YOU.  And we are so grateful for how supportive you’ve been of Jesus and his recovery.  Thank you for convincing him to come back to school.  Honestly, we don’t know what he’d do without you.

Emma: I--I’m happy to help.  Whatever it takes.

Lena: [nods and smiles.]

Tonia:  Of all the comments I have seen on this scene with Emma and Lena, none have addressed how truly gross this scene is.  

To call Emma down to your office just to tell her how awesome she is and how grateful you are for her to be there for Jesus.  Like, would they do that for any of their other kids’ SO’s?

Making a point to praise a nondisabled student for being a friend/SO to a disabled one (and your son at that) communicates that disabled people are hard to be around and hard to love.  That we are burdens and that it takes someone heroic to “put up” with us.

Moms truly think so little of Jesus, it’s breaking my heart.

Tara: Let’s also not forget that the real reason she’s checking in is to check the legitimacy of the engagement.  Jesus has told her that they are engaged, but Lena needs the Authorization of a nondisabled person to make it true.  Jesus’s words do not carry weight on their own.

STEF AND LENA - THEIR ROOM, THAT NIGHT:

Lena: So...Emma is not wearing the ring.  I called her into my office today just to, you know, check in, and thank her for supporting Jesus.

Stef: Well did you happen to ask if they were engaged?

Lena: No, I didn’t want to embarrass her.  But she seemed perfectly fine.  Everything between her and Jesus seemed status quo.  You know, I really just think this whole engagement thing is all in his head.

Stef: Alright.  Good.

Lena: Oh, also...I invited her to Mike and Ana’s party tomorrow.  

Stef: Oh?

Lena: If she’s the one keeping Jesus on track, I really don’t think keeping them apart is the best idea, do you?

Stef: I guess not.

Tonia:  Emma’s keeping Jesus on track?  So Jesus gets no credit for his own progress?  (And way to micromanage everything Lena, after you said that Emma couldn’t come to the party...)

Tara: Notice how Lena is concerned with not embarrassing Emma.  She is unconcerned about embarrassing Jesus because she feels he is not himself - just a pile of TBI symptoms. 

JESUS AND EMMA - FRONT DOOR, AS EMMA ARRIVES FOR THE PARTY:

Jesus: [smiles] Come in.

[They kiss]

Jesus: I missed you so much.

Emma: I missed you, too.

Jesus: You look amazing.

[Emma laughs as Jesus looks at her in her dress.  They are still holding hands]

Jesus: Oh.  You’re not...wearing...the...ring?

Emma: Oh, yeah...  I was worried about your moms seeing it.

Jesus:  Don’t be.  They know we’re getting married.  And they’re totally cool with it, too.

Emma: [looks freaked out] Really?

Jesus: Yeah.

[Emma searches her purse, finds the ring and puts it on]

Jesus: Come on.

Tonia:  Really, though, what else is Jesus supposed to think?  When Moms don’t talk to him.  They haven’t said a word to him about his being engaged.  I’m sure he figures if they didn’t approve he’d know it.

And Emma accepted the ring!  (I know I said it before, but it bears repeating, especially as Emma’s carrying it around in her purse!)  I resent the fact that Moms are persisting in believing it’s “all in Jesus’s head” when no one around him has given him a reason not to think it’s not true.

Emma said, “I can’t marry someone who isn’t going to school.”

Not, “I can’t marry you.”

So of course Jesus thinks if he goes to school, Emma will marry him!

Tara: Right.  These are not Unreasonable Assumptions.

ANA, MIKE AND ANA’S PARENTS, VICTOR AND ELENA AT THE PARTY:

[Victor spots Gabe across the yard]

Victor: Is that...?

Ana: Yes.

Elena: What’s he doing here?

Mike: Oh good!  Gabe decided to come!

Ana: Stef and Lena are letting him live here while he helps Jesus with a school project.  Please be nice.

Tonia:  A reminder that Gabe is here only and essentially as a pity gift for Jesus and that as soon as Moms are tired of having him there (which, they were from the start) Gabe won’t be there anymore :(

JESUS ARRIVES AT THE PARTY IN THE BACKYARD:

[Jesus spots Gabe across the yard and acknowledges him happily.  Then, he stops to say hi to Victor and Elena]

Victor: Look at this guy!

Elena [hugs Jesus] So handsome!

Jesus: [hugs Victor.  Poses for a picture with Victor and Elena.]

Tonia:  The moments with Jesus, Victor and Elena were very much background, but I noticed them, because of how happy Victor and Elena were to see Jesus.  How warmly they received him.  How, to them, he is the very same boy.  With the very same worth.  To whom they give the same love and the same respect they ever did.

Especially as Jesus missed out on spending time with Grandma and Grandpa Adams, it was nice to see him being loved on by Victor and Elena.

Tara: This was a much-needed breath of fresh air.

STEF AND EMMA - PARTY:

Stef: Emma.  Hi. [hugs her.  Emma looks uncomfortable probably because she knows Stef is not a hugger.]  How are you?  

Emma: Good!

Stef: Good to see you!  Thanks for coming!

[Emma gets water from the water cooler.  Stef sees the ring on her finger]

Stef: Oh!  The--  That’s the, um, the ring that Jesus gave you?  

Emma: Yeah.

Stef: [takes Emma’s hand] Oh, it’s--that’s--  Wow, that’s very pretty...

Emma: Thanks.

[Stef tries to catch Lena’s eye across the yard.  Eventually gets her inside with some excuse about Stef having something in her eye.]

Tonia:  Again, Stef can barely disguise her disgust for the ring Jesus made.  She says it’s “very pretty” but her tone says the ring is dirty, cheap, and worthless.

Tara: I think it may have been less disgust and more Oh-My-God-I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-True-I’m-Freaking-Out.

STEF AND LENA - KITCHEN, CONVERSING IN HUSHED TONES:

Stef: She’s wearing it!

Lena: What?

Stef: The ring!  The engagement--it’s out of Jesus’s head and on her finger!

Lena: [sighs] Well, maybe she doesn’t think it means what JESUS thinks it means.

Stef: I think we need to ask her: ARE THEY ENGAGED?

Lena: Right now?  In the middle of the party?

Stef: No, not now.  But soon.  Very, very soon.

Tonia:  Because God knows now that Jesus has a brain injury, he clearly does not know what being engaged means... <-- Sarcasm  Moms, please stop this nonsense.  You need to start accepting the child in front of you.  Because your ableism, your lack of confidence in him, your abuse of him is harming him more profoundly than his brain injury.

Tara: Um yeah. It was out of Jesus’s head the moment he proposed.  Catch up, Moms.  And stop being gross.

JESUS AND GABE - PARTY:

Jesus: Hey!

Gabe: Hey!

Jesus: Did you talk to Ana yet?

Gabe: What?  No!  No, I’m not going to, Jesus.  This is her engagement party.

Jesus: Maybe that’s why she invited you.  So that you’d realize that this is happening and you would say something.

Gabe: [considering]

Jesus: Come on.  What’s the worst that happens?  She says no?  [Ana walks up, Jesus tells Gabe under his breath] Say something.

Ana: Hey!  Glad you came!

Gabe: Yeah, I’m not so sure your folks feel that way...

Ana: Oh, they’re fine.  I promise.

Jesus: I am gonna go grab some food.

Tonia:  Jesus, still working so hard to make sure Gabe is happy.

Tara: In this week’s episode of AfterBuzz TV, Brandon Quinn who plays Gabe was being interviewed.  He made a point to say that the episode made it seem like Jesus was leading Gabe, but that actually those thoughts had been in Gabe’s head all along.  Jesus is not being Unreasonable here.

Adriana (Jesus and Mariana’s bio cousin, and the official photographer for the party): All right!  Let’s take a birth family photo!  Come on!

Jesus: Come on! (Jesus, Ana, Gabe and Mariana all stand in a line, arms around each other)

Adriana: Okay, everybody, get close!

Victor (looking on with Elena) They are a beautiful family.

[Stef and Lena look uncomfortable and do their best not to watch as Adriana takes the picture.]

Adriana: Three, two, one!  Perfect!  Oh, it’s so cute!

[Jesus takes the camera and shows the picture to Ana, Gabe and Mariana.  Jesus and Mariana are really happy.]

Tonia:  Moms’ reactions to this picture is just aggravating to me.  Your kids have biological parents.  One of those biological parents is getting married to Stef’s ex.  You both agreed to host their engagement party at your house.  So your twins’ biological family is going to also be present.  

We saw back in Quinceanera, that Jesus and Mariana have very few pictures of themselves from when they lived with Ana.  Mariana kept one in her room in the pilot, that Jesus ripped.  In the Quinceanera photo montage, there is one baby/toddler photo a piece for the twins.  They go from being babies to five in no time flat.  They had maybe one picture with Ana.  They have no pictures with Gabe, and certainly none of the four of them together.

in short?  This picture is important to Jesus and Mariana.  Moms have a ton of pictures with their twins over the last eleven years.  You can’t let Jesus and Mariana have this one with Ana and Gabe?  It’s probably the only one they’re ever gonna have.

Stef and Lena have had the privilege of having family pictures.  They have so many they probably don’t even consider it a privilege.  But to be photographed with a biological parent or parents is a privilege.  To get to see your own features reflected back in someone’s face. To have proof that you look like them.  You came from them.  To see your smile in their faces.

Jesus and Mariana look so happy that this picture is being taken.  I wish Moms at least tried to act supportive.  After all, when the party ends and everybody goes home?  Jesus and Mariana are their kids.  The twins know it and so do the Moms.  I just wish they could have been happy their kids get to have this moment with Gabe and Ana, and this picture, which, they might never get an opportunity to get again.

And particularly after Victor and Elena talk genuinely about “what a beautiful family” they are, Moms’ reactions just seem rude and immature...

Tara: Yes, it is a shame that they seem so threatened by something so small that will mean so much to their kids.

JESUS AND EMMA - PARTY, LISTENING TO BRANDON AND GRACE SING FOR MIKE:

Jesus: Someday soon they’re going to be throwing a party like this for us.

Emma: [looks uncomfortable] Be right back.  [She walks in the house.  Lena sees this.]

Tonia:  Ugh, Jesus is so happy.  And again, no one is telling him the truth.  Stop lying to him, please.

Tara: She still can’t treat him as fully human by giving him the dignity of the truth.

MARIANA AND JESUS - PARTY, TOASTING ANA AND MIKE:

Mariana: Hi!

Mike: Hi!

Mariana: That was beautiful, Grace and Brandon.  Ana, I just wanted to say congratulations.  I’m so happy that you found Mike.  He’s an amazing guy.  And you guys are totally soulmates so... I’m so happy for you!

Jesus:  Uh, yeah!

[crowd laughs gently]

Jesus: So, I, um--  Well, I guess I never really...uh, thought that I’d be at an engagement party for my birth mom.  I never really thought that we’d have a relationship with you.  Or you, Gabe.  But um...one thing that I know is that it’s never too late.  Even if you think it is.  So, yeah, that’s pretty much what I wanted to say...

[crowd laughs again]

Tonia:  I was so secondhand embarrassed when Jesus was giving this toast, but it wasn’t out of bounds. 

It annoyed me, though, that we heard Stef say: “Hear, hear!” to Mariana’s toast and when Jesus is speaking, she and Lena are just standing there with their arms crossed.  Like they are waiting for him to say something wildly inappropriate...

Tara: Very sweet toasts. 

[Brandon shepherds Jesus aside, whispers]  What the hell was that toast?!

Jesus: What do you mean?

Brandon: This is my dad’s engagement party!

Jesus: Okay.  Look.  Brandon, if Gabe and Ana still have feelings for each other?

Brandon: It’s none of your business!

Jesus: Do you really want your dad to marry Ana if she still loves Gabe?

Brandon: You’re unbelievable.  Just stay out of it, okay?

Tonia:  One of the only moments in the episode where ableism was not at the center of the family’s interactions with Jesus.  But he’s still shown to be out of line here.  Like he needs to be taken in hand.  So maybe the ableism isn’t so distant as I thought?

Tara: Just because Brandon read into the toast doesn’t mean that it wasn’t completely sweet and appropriate.  Jesus does not need scolding. Ana, Mike and Gabe are all grown adults.  Let’s just take a breath.

LENA AND EMMA - LIVING ROOM:

Lena: Hey.  What are you doing in here all alone?

Emma: [tearfully]  Sorry.  I was just taking a break.

Lena: Honey, are you all right?

Emma: [nods, holding back tears]  I really want Jesus to get better and go back to school, but I’m not ready to be engaged.  

Tara: Emma is verbalizing the trope that Romantic Love Cures Disability.  She thinks because she agreed to marry Jesus, that he will not only go back to school but Get Better.

Lena: Jesus’s recovery is not your responsibility.  It’s his.  And it’s mine and it’s Stef’s.  And I’m so sorry that I didn’t think about the burden I was putting on you.

Tonia:  Lena!  Seriously? Jesus’s recovery is his responsibility?  What kind of ableist ridiculousness is that?  Your son has a brain injury.  No matter how hard he works, he will always have a brain injury.  You cannot change him.  He cannot change himself.  Please stop trying and start being there for him.  He doesn’t need a drill sergeant, another doctor or another therapist.  He needs a mom.  

He is not a burden.  He’s your son.

These kinds of depictions of disability...they like...slowly seep in. And when we must watch them over months?  Without a single contrary voice daring to speak up and say, “This is wrong?”

It feels like Moms are right.

And that is devastating.

Tara:  re·cov·er·y rəˈkəv(ə)rē/noun 1. a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.

Again, usually there is a certain amount of improvement to be expected post-brain injury.  A certain amount of recovery, if you will.  But the brain injury will never go away.  

Burden, Lena?  Kick me in the chest again.  As disabled people, we are constantly expected to justify our existence because of ableist beliefs like this.  The belief that disabled people are burdens leads to the justification of our murders at the hands of our caregivers.  

Emma: So you’re not okay with us being engaged?

Lena: No.  No, of course not.  Honestly, honey, we just thought that maybe it was all in his head.  We should have asked you.

Emma: It’s okay.  I think it sort of IS all in his head.  I never said that I would marry him.

Lena: We’ll talk to him, okay?

Emma: Would it be okay if I talked to him first?

Lena: Yeah.  Yes, of course.  Come here.  [Lena hugs her]

Emma: Thank you.

Tonia:  Emma, you gave Jesus a nonverbal yes by accepting the ring.  You didn’t give him solid no, verbally or otherwise.  You put the ring on today in front of him.  That’s not in his head.  It’s a reasonable conclusion to draw.

Tara:  Lena tells Emma OF COURSE WE DON’T APPROVE, but has said nothing to Jesus over the past week to indicate this.

[Stef comes in, Emma says “hey” as they pass.  Stef comes to join Lena in the living room]

Lena: Maybe my mom was right about indulging Jesus.  

Tara: Indulging him how? I am seriously asking. 

Lena: I can’t take the path of least resistance just because I’m afraid of the outbursts.

Tara: Hello Ableism, my old friend... It’s the tried and true TBI = AGGRESSION stereotype.  Can’t say that I’m happy to see you.

Stef: Hey.  There’s no “I” in this.  It’s “we.”  We’re not giving up, okay?  We’re not giving into this thing with Jesus.  We’re going to fight to get our boy back.  Whatever treatment it takes, we’ll try ‘em all until something works.  Okay?  When are we gonna see that doctor in LA?

Lena: In a couple weeks.

Stef: Okay.  So in the meantime?  We take away that treehouse and whatever else we have to, to get his attention.

Tonia:  So many things disturb me in this conversation:

The notion that they are in a “fight” to get “their boy back” when Jesus is literally right there in front of them.  He did not get body-snatched or stolen.  

That they are cavalierly going to try “all” the treatments.  Including shock therapy, because that’s what’s in LA.

Their method of “getting Jesus’s attention.”  Perhaps the treehouse was a project that Moms let Jesus do out of pity or indulgence, but that is not on Jesus.  He has done nothing that would merit their arbitrarily revoking the one thing that’s giving him any joy.  It’s been days and I still, truly don’t know what Jesus did wrong that would merit such a crushing consequence.

Also?  By taking away the treehouse?  They will be sending Gabe away.  The only person other than Emma who Jesus has felt like he can confide in.

I keep saying this - but it keeps being true - I am so beyond devastated for what this will mean for Jesus.

Tara: This “thing” with Jesus?  It is called disability.  It is not something to fight, but rather something to accommodate. His brain is not holding him hostage.  It is working overtime to create new pathways - trying to help him.  

There is no cure for brain injury.  There is adaptation.  Accommodation. Apology when you make a mistake. Patience. Presuming competence. Respect. Love. 

Shock treatment  is abuse.  It induces seizures and causes subsequent brain injury.  To continually pitch this as a legitimate treatment option is irresponsible and harmful.  

It makes me sick that while Moms would never consider ECT for each other or Jude to cure their homosexuality, they would jump at the chance to use it on Jesus. 

Please writers, value disabled life more than this.

And as if the looming threat of torture is not enough, Moms are now taking away the treehouse and presumably Gabe.  

Because existing as a disabled person is wrong and apparently requires punishment.  

JESUS AND EMMA - JESUS’S ROOM:

Jesus: [smiling]  There you are.  Should we, uh--  Should we shut the door, or?

[Emma does]

Emma: I love you.

[Jesus smiles]

Emma:  But...  But I can’t wear this if it means what you think it does.  [Emma takes off the ring and gives it back to Jesus]

Tonia:  It means engagement, and you knew that when you accepted the ring, Emma.

Tara: Yes, let’s not keep up the facade that it’s all in Jesus’s head.  Just admit that you didn’t want to hurt his feelings and that’s why you accepted the ring.  Tell him you don’t want to marry him.

Jesus: Wait.  Wait, wait, wait, um...  Are you...breaking up with me right now?

Emma: No.  I’m...not.  But we’re too young to be engaged, Jesus.  And I can’t be your only reason for going back to school.  You need to do that for yourself.

Jesus: Wait.  I’m sorry.  So that’s why you said yes. [He drops the ring on his desk]

Emma: I never said yes.

Tonia:  OMG Emma, just say you’re breaking up with him!  Stop pitying him.  You’re not doing him any favors by staying with him because you feel bad for him.

Tara: The truth’s out. Even accepting Jesus’s proposal was a manipulation.

Jesus: Well, if that’s how you feel then maybe we SHOULD break up.

Emma: Jesus.

Jesus: No, I’m not a charity case!

[Mariana overhears, comes into the room]

Emma: I never said that you were!  

Jesus: Well you think that I can’t survive without you?!

Emma: That’s not what I meant!

Jesus: You know what, Emma?  I don’t need you.

Tonia:  Yes, Jesus!  So happy to hear him tell Emma he is not a charity case!  It feels so beyond gross to know that you are a “project” to someone, not an equal.

Tara: Trust that we can tell when you hold these beliefs about us.  And consider whether you would want someone to hold these beliefs about you, right now, as you are.

Mariana: Yes, you do, Jesus!  She stuck by you this whole time!  She’s been, like, the best girlfriend ever!

Tonia:  Again with the Nondisabled Savior nonsense.  Stop it, Mariana.

Tara: You do not get to tell Jesus what he needs, Mariana.  He can figure that out for himself.

Jesus: Oh, and now, all of a sudden, you like her?  You guys are friends again?  Well, that’s great, but you know what?  Leave me the hell alone.

Emma: Jesus.

Jesus: I mean it, okay?  Let’s just call it.  

Mariana: Don’t do this.

Jesus [to Mariana] You need to stay out of this.  [To Emma]  And if you don’t want me forever, then I don’t want you at all.  So just go.

[Emma and Mariana stand there as Jesus turns away]

Jesus: Just GET OUT, Emma!

[Emma leaves]

Mariana: You’re so stupid.  [leaves too]

Tonia:  So again, we have Emma and Mariana not taking Jesus seriously.  He has to tell Emma to leave four times - has to raise his voice and yell before she will.

Tara: And stupid appears to be Mariana’s go-to insult for Jesus these days.  This word is second only to the R-word in terms of the harm it does to those with disabilities, particularly those with brain injuries.  She does not respect him or his decisions. She does not view him as competent.  It is heartbreaking that even his twin thinks so little of him.

Jesus [slams his hands on his desk.  Looks up and out his bedroom window to see Moms talking to Gabe and Gabe walking away from them]

Tonia:  And cue my heart breaking some more, because this moment?  Is Moms telling Gabe he has to move out because they are taking the treehouse away from Jesus.  And Jesus has no idea yet. :(

Tara: This just keeps getting worse.

MARIANA AND EMMA - FRONT STEPS:

Mariana: Emma!  He doesn’t mean it!

Emma:  I know.

Tonia:  Ladies, lets have a talk:  Jesus does mean what he says. Feeling like a charity case sucks and it’s completely reasonable for him to want to break up with Emma after finding that out.  

Tara: Yet another version of Not Presuming Competence.  Saying Jesus “doesn’t mean” something because he is disabled takes away agency over his own life.  It is another means of nondisabled control.

Mariana: He’s gonna get better.  He really is.  

Emma: When?

Mariana [hugs her]  I miss him, too.

Tonia: Jesus may make more progress, he may not.  He has a brain injury.  That did change him, but not the way you think.  Because it did not steal him.  He is not gone.  He’s right in front of you.  And he’s rightfully angry that no one is treating him with any dignity or respect at all.

You both are the ones who need to change.  Accept Jesus as a person.  Talk to him, don’t just react to what you think he might do.

Tara: This conversation spoke to my worst fear post-brain injury - that I was a different person.  An unlovable burdensome shell.  

I felt so different in my brain and body that I could not fathom that my family’s love for me had not changed.  Despite their reassurances, this is still something I am struggling to come to terms with almost 20 years later.

Mariana and Emma don’t love Jesus for who he is now - they tolerate him.  

They’re waiting for the “old Jesus” to come back.  And that specific version of Jesus does not exist anymore.  This is a new version of the same person.  

And the notion of “getting better” in the colloquial sense will not happen with Jesus.  His brain is injured.  And while the brain is able to make new pathways, the injury itself will never go away.  Waiting and expecting him to “get better” in the way one “gets better” from a broken leg is an exercise in futility.    

JESUS AND MARIANA - HANGING POSTERS AT SCHOOL, THE NEXT DAY:

Jesus: You know, Stratos doesn’t even care about Anchor Beach Academy.  He just wants revenge against Anchor Beach ‘cause of Nick!  

Mariana: [shakes her head]

Jesus: I mean, it’s crap! If anyone deserves revenge, it’s you and me because of what Nick did to us.

Mariana:  You’re right.

Tonia:  It’s interesting.  This is the first time I can recall that Jesus has mentioned Nick and what he did to both of them.  (Previously holding Mariana at gunpoint and then in a later episode, knocking Jesus out, causing his TBI.)

Tara: This strongly mirrors my experience.  It took months for me to 1) heal physically enough and 2) to even begin to come to terms with what happened to me to be able to discuss it.

[Jesus and Mariana continue down the hall]

Jesus: I gotta go to the bathroom.

[Jesus stops short of the bathroom to look at the model of Anchor Beach Academy]

LENA AND STEF - KITCHEN:

[Mariana and Jude walk in]

Lena: Hey!  How’d it go?  Did you get the posters hung?

Jude: Yeah.

Mariana: No one was there.  It was perfect.

[Lena’s cell phone buzzes with a call from Drew Turner, principal at the kids’ school]

Lena: Hello?

Drew: I need you to come to the school now.

LENA AND DREW - AT SCHOOL:

Drew: So, I come in today to get a little work done, and I find this.  [Drew gestures to the model of Anchor Beach Academy, smashed]

Lena: Oh my God.  Who did this?  Why would someone--

Drew: No idea!  So I checked the security cameras...and your kids were the last ones in the building.

Tonia:  I don’t like the insinuation that Jesus hulked out and smashed the Anchor Beach Academy model.  And it makes me really nervous because I still feel like Moms have it in their back pocket to send him away, especially if they are sure it will “help.”

Tara: Hmmmmm... I wonder who will be the fall guy? :/

JESUS - GARAGE APARTMENT:

Jesus [knocking]  Yo, Gabe!  

[Jesus opens the door to find Gabe gone.  His stuff is gone.  The bed is stripped.  Blankets folded on top.  There’s a letter left behind, Jesus’s name is on the envelope.  He sits down, holding the envelope.  His face is stunned and sad.]

Tonia:  No matter what that letter says, you can bet Jesus is going to take Gabe’s leaving personally.  

(And I love how Moms did not even bother telling Jesus and Mariana that Gabe moved out.  So Jesus - and eventually Mariana - will have to find out whenever and however, and be shocked and hurt.) <-- Sarcasm

So now, Jesus doesn’t have Emma or Gabe to talk to and confide in.  I am so worried for him.  I hate that Moms did this.  :(

Tara: This show gets harder and harder to watch every week.  We feel a sense of duty to speak out against the horrific offenses against our community.  

Representation matters.  

TV teaches people how to treat people who are different from them.  

But we are hurting.  And we are tired.  And we have never been more glad that the hiatus is just a week away.  Because we need a break.

And during that break, we will hope that our words have made a difference.

For more: Fosters Recaps

[fallxnprxnce]

Reasons why I am not a Princess Nuala fan...

As I was taking screencaps to make other posts, I was reminded time and time again of why I have always intensely disliked Nuala. So here comes a post to get this out of my system so I can get rid of these feels, haha.

My complaints with Nuala are as follows. I got this vibe of underlying manipulative cruelty at several points that I just cannot shake. It makes me never want to trust her. Besides that, her treatment of Nuada was appalling even despite his behavior. Her supposed love for Abe makes no sense whatsoever. And finally, she does not behave like an ancient elf. She behaves like a twenty year-old elfling. And it just irritates me.

Here are a few of the points during the movie where I found myself getting particularly annoyed with Nuala. Comments are welcome, by the way, if you disagree with anything I write here.

The Forest God’s Death

An elemental creature capable of seeding and spreading an entire forest on its own and completely reshaping and taking back the landscape, and that was supposedly the last of its kind, was just defeated and killed. So… a species of ancient elemental creature just went extinct before Nuala’s eyes. Not only that, but she has to know that what little of New York City the creature was able to take back for Nature will be promptly killed, ripped up, cleaned, and otherwise removed, so that the humans’ precious apartment buildings and roads can be repaired. So… not even the last efforts of a lost creature will be preserved. This is an extremely sad occasion, and should be fairly soul-crushing to any ancient elf who should care deeply for Nature and her creatures. So what does Nuala do?

She plays with the creature’s seed?/spore? like tee-hee, look at the foofy, floaty thingy-thing! Um… really? She should be in tears. She should be scrambling to save and collect the seeds/spores. At the very least, she should be somehow be mourning what has just occurred. This is not a beautiful thing, it is tragic. Instead she’s obliviously playing with stuff like she’s at a theme park.

Nuada’s Invasion of the BPRD

This was the scene that gave me the biggest vibe for Nuala being manipulative. First of all, she knows Nuada will not hurt her very much at all. He can’t for two reasons: 1) killing her means he dies too, which he doesn’t want, and 2) if he injures her too much he also injures himself, which will affect his ability to fight. So where does this fear come from? The tears, the whole damsel-in-distress act?

I think she is trying to play to Nuada’s emotions, except it doesn’t work. She can close herself off all she wants but he’s still not buying her crap. So what does she do when it doesn’t work? Her affect completely changes. The fear is gone. If she can’t make Nuada go away on her own, then she’s gonna get people who can. So she pulls the alarm, and then gives him the coldest, cruelest, borderline bitchy-sassiest look ever. Where has the fear gone?

Everyone says Nuada’s cold and cruel and whatever else but at least he can defend himself instead of calling for the help of younger and possibly more vulnerable people to assist you. Let me get this straight… instead of handling her problems herself, against a brother who would never harm her beyond a paper cut to the cheek, she appeals to other mortals who can easily die in battle trying to help her. Including one Abe Sapien, whom we’re supposed to believe she has feelings for, but I’ll come back to that later. All of a sudden her affect changes again, and she’s helpless, afraid, the damsel-in-distress once again. 

Ever see the movie The Hole with Thora Birch? Thora’s character was a manipulative sociopath who could turn on and off all manner of emotions and basically act in whatever manner she wanted/needed to in order to appeal to different people around her. Playing the damsel-in-distress to avoid being charged with murder was her specialty. That’s what this whole scene made me think of as far as Nuala’s character. Watch it again. Watch her turn the emotion on and off and on again. I don’t buy for one moment that she’s actually afraid of Nuada. She just wanted this fish guy she was leading on to get him to go away. Playing a frightened and helpless victim would do the trick, she thought. Too bad she didn’t plan on Hellboy and Abe being drunk as door nails, haha.

Nuala’s Suicide and Nuada’s Murder

This. Pissed. Me. Off. So. Much. Whether or not you agree that Nuada was trying to stealth kill Hellboy (I think not, if he was, he would never have made the dagger that obvious and would’ve moved a lot faster), and whether or not you wanted Nuada to be stopped because of the whole kill-all-humans thing, one thing is abundantly clear. Nuala had no respect for her brother, for warriors, for her people, for battle etiquette, or for Elven life in general.

Hear me out. First of all… she is supposedly an ancient Elven princess. She should be experienced in life at least through reading and observations if not action. She should be wise. Most of all, she should understand and advocate Elven life. I mean, it’s clear that she doesn’t along with her father, since both of them are content to just let all elves fade rather than seeking any type of mildly better solution than living in a New York sewer. Accepting that there are cycles to Nature and that races come and go is one thing, but actively doing far more to protect and respect humans and going out of your way to uphold their laws while simultaneously choosing to actively work against the future of your own people is quite another.

But, I digress. My point is, she should never have wanted to kill Nuada (and herself too, of course). Killing either one of them would be a tragedy. Like the death of the forest god. They are so incredibly old and have seen so much of the world through the centuries, that to lose perspectives on life that are that deeply rooted in antiquity would just be devastating. Or at least it should be. Some might argue here that she had to in order to stop him. No. She. Did. Not. She could have stabbed the hand holding the dagger. Not enough? Stab an ankle. Hell, stab both ankles. Disable him to stop him, do not kill him. Personally, I think interfering in the battle at all was extremely dishonorable for her to do. It was a duel. You do not step in and interfere in a duel. Unfair. Bad form, Nuala. But besides that, there were so many ways she could have stopped him besides killing him and herself and she immediately chose to do that anyway. Wtf.

Some might say here that Nuada was a warrior and dying was better than having him live as a cripple. He died a good warriors death. Um. No. He. Did. Not. Nuada was robbed of a warrior’s death. He didn’t die in battle fairly. He died because his sister was hateful of him and apparently out of ideas. He was killed… by someone and something he could not control at all, by someone he trusted, by someone who should have respected not only his life but Elven life in general as well as a warrior’s honor. It was incredibly emasculating and dishonorable for Nuada to die as he did. 2K+ years of surviving countless battles and honing his skills only to be killed by someone who used what should have been the most beautiful, personal, and sacred thing – their soul bond – against him. Disgraceful. Disgusting. He was robbed of a warrior’s death, and if she had decided to suddenly enact Balor’s decree on him, she should have at least allowed him to keep his dignity in the process. Imagine his pain at not only falling, but being robbed of a warrior’s death, and dying not for your cause, really… but because your sister whom you dearly love hates everything about you. If those are some sad, sad feels then I don’t know what are.

But to keep him alive as a cripple or unable to fight would have been unbearable to him. Anything… would have been unbearable to him other than all humans everywhere dying, and that was never going to happen. He would have been stopped by someone, somewhere, if not there and then. So which is the better solution? To kill two ancient elves? Or to stop this one now when he might just recover and be fine later, and then hey, I don’t know, maybe trying to act like a freaking sister for once and talking to him while he’s down instead of shutting him out which, because you’re soul-bonded to him – you already know is slowing killing him? (sigh) yes, I am bitter, thank you, haha. At least that way she would have lived, if nothing else. Just… just such a poor decision, Nuala, really. How did you survive this long making horrible decisions like this?

Nuala’s Death in Abe’s Arms

This was supposed to be poignant and beautiful, I know, but I just found it awkward. So… (sigh) She’s 2K+ years old. She has known Abe for… what, a few days? So the Elven equivalent of approximately 8 seconds, heh. And I’m supposed to believe that she is somehow in love with him and that they have this deep, unshakable connection simply by virtue of the fact that they both seem to have the same hand-thingy that they do? You know, the… I’m-gonna-feel-your-hand-and-suddenly-know-what-you’re-thinking thing. First of all, no. Just… no. Second of all, if anyone should’ve had the ability to do the hand thing along with Nuala, it should have been Nuada. But they never went into that in the movie at all (even though I headcanon and write him as being able to do it too, and that he was doing it in the library when he laid his hand on her chest). Instead they made this ability out to be something that deeply bonded Nuala to Abe.

Uh… whut? So for all those Abe x Nuala shippers out there (and surprisingly in favor of Nuada x Nuala shippers), you’re telling me that 2K+ years of knowing someone as you know yourself, growing up with them, and knowing every reason why they smile, laugh, cry, ache, etc. is not reason enough for any sort of love to develop between Nuada and Nuala… but… she knows a fish dude for a couple days and it’s true love? Nuala. Sweety. Um. Are you just not that deep? Is it about looks? Does he wear mind-altering cologne or something?

I just literally have no idea why Nuala x Abe makes sense, and frankly, I found her death scene after she murders Nuada to be seriously irritating. Nuada is dying. Whatever gripes she had with him should now have been placed aside. Do you seriously feel that little for a brother you’ve been bonded to for millennia that you’d rather instead continue to lead on a fish instead of hmm… comforting your brother? Listening to his final words? Acknowledging his pain? Maybe finally opening your heart to him since it really doesn’t matter anymore. Nope. Gonna totally pay attention to the fish instead. Nuada is thinking dear gods… all that’s lost, all that won’t be done, all that needs to be done, what does this mean for the fate of the world? Meanwhile, Nuala is like wow I can tell you totally dig me but I have to die now. I mean… how detached from any sort of deep thought was she? (angry facepalm)

Ahhh… I feel so much better now that I got all of this out, haha. As always, these are only my opinions, and I realize that they may go against other people’s headcanons or opinions and I know Nuala is very popular in the fandom and that she has a lot of fans. That’s great, really. I’m not trying to make anybody mad, I’m just ranting on some feels I had while watching the movie. So please don’t take offense, but please do comment if you wish to. I love debates, heh.

{And really, rants like these prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I should be a mun for Nuada, haha. No wonder he likes it in my brain so much heh, given my random opinions on him, his father, and his sister. The humans thing though, that’s where you lose me bud. But it’s okay, we’ll work on it together. XD}

[toldnews-blog]

New Post has been published on https://toldnews.com/world/can-you-murder-a-robot/

Can you murder a robot?

Image copyright Ryserson University

Image caption The road can be a lonely place when you are a little robot

Back in 2015, a hitchhiker was murdered on the streets of Philadelphia.

It was no ordinary crime. The hitchhiker in question was a little robot called Hitchbot. The “death” raised an interesting question about human-robot relationship – not so much whether we can trust robots but whether the robots can trust us.

The answer, it seems, was no.

Hitchbot has now been rebuilt, at Ryerson University, in Toronto, where it was conceived.

Its story is perhaps the ultimate tale of robot destruction, made all the more poignant by the fact that it was designed to be childlike and entirely non-threatening.

With pool noodles for arms and legs, a transparent cake container for a head, a white bucket as a body, and resting on a child’s car seat to allow anyone picking it up to be able to transport it safely, it was cartoon-like. If a child designed a robot, it would probably look like Hitchbot.

The team deliberately made it on the cheap – describing its look as “yard-sale chic”. They were aware that it may come to harm.

In order to qualify as a robot, it had to have some basic electronics – including a Global Positioning System (GPS) receiver to track its journey, movements in its arms, and software to allow it to communicate when asked questions. It could also smile and wink.

And, of course, it could move its thumb into a hitch position.

“It was extremely important that people would trust it and want to help it out which is why we made it the size of a child,” said Dr Frauke Zeller, who led the team with her husband, Prof David Smith.

The adventure started well, with Hitchbot being picked up by an elderly couple and taken on a camping trip in Halifax, Nova Scotia, followed by a sightseeing tour with a group of young men. Next, it was a guest of honour at a First Nation powwow, where it was given a name that translates to “Iron Woman”, assigning it a gender.

The robot picked up thousands of fans along the way, many travelling miles to be the next person to give it a lift.

Sometimes, the robot’s GPS location had to be disabled so that those who took it home wouldn’t be mobbed outside their houses.

Image copyright Hitchbot

Image caption Hitchbot was given a First Nation name, which translates to Iron Woman, assigning it a gender for the first time

The robot certainly appealed and the team behind it were swamped with international press enquiries from the outset.

Hitchbot was given its own social media accounts on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram and became an instant hit, gaining thousands of followers.

“People began to decorate Hitchbot with bracelets and other jewellery. This little robot with its simple design triggered so much creativity in people. And that was one of the biggest takeaways of the experiment, that we should stop telling people what to do with technology,” Dr Zeller said.

But Hitchbot’s adventure was about to come to an abrupt end.

“One day we received images of Hitchbot lying in the street with its arms and legs ripped off and its head missing,” Dr Zeller said.

“It effected thousands of people worldwide. Hitchbot had become an important symbol of trust. It was very sad and it hit us and the whole team more than I would have expected.”

Image caption The reborn Hitchbot shares a biscuit

Now, the team have rebuilt Hitchbot, even though its head was never found. They missed having it around and had been inundated with requests for Hitchbot 2.0, although they have no plans for another road trip.

BBC News joined Prof Smith and Dr Zeller to take Hitchbot 2.0 on one of its first outings, to the safety of a cafe next to the university. The robot was instantly recognised by passers-by, many of whom stopped to chat and take a Hitchbot selfie. All of them seemed overjoyed to see the robot back in one piece.

The Ryerson team is also working with Softbank’s Pepper, an archetypal big-eyed childlike robot, on another test of the trust relationship with humans. Pepper will be used to talk with patients about cancer care. The theory is that patients will communicate more openly with Pepper than they would to a human carer.

Beating up bots

Image copyright Innvo Labs

Image caption Could you harm a dinosaur robot?

Hitchbot is not the first robot to meet a violent end.

Prof Kate Darling, of Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), encouraged people to hit dinosaur robots with a mallet, in an experiment designed to test just how nasty we could be to a machine.

Most people struggled to hurt the bots, found Prof Darling.

“There was a correlation between how empathetic people were and how long it took to persuade them to hit a robot,” she told BBC News, at her lab in Boston.

“What does it say about you as a person if you are willing to be cruel to a robot. Is it morally disturbing to beat up something that reacts in a very lifelike way?” she asked.

The reaction of most people was to protect and care for the robots.

“One woman was so distressed that she removed the robot’s batteries so that it couldn’t feel pain,” Prof Darling said.

Prof Rosalind Picaurd, who heads up the Affective Computing Lab, also based at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, thinks it comes down to human nature.

Image copyright Ryerson University

Image caption Perhaps the most revealing image of Hitchbot’s travels was this one, where its temporary “owner” decided it would need dinner and assumed batteries would be a good robot treat. The dog is not so sure

“We are made for relationships, even us engineers, and that is such a powerful thing that we fit machines into that,” she said.

But while it is important that robots understand human emotions because it will be their job to serve us, it might not be a good idea to anthropomorphise the machines.

“We are at a pivotal point where we can choose as a society that we are not going to mislead people into thinking these machines are more human than they are,” Prof Picaurd told BBC News, at her lab.

“We know that these machines are nowhere near the capabilities of humans. They can fake it for the moment of an interview and they can look lifelike and say the right thing in particular situations.”

“A robot can be shown a picture of a face that is smiling but it doesn’t know what it feels like to be happy.

“It can be given examples of situations that make people smile but it doesn’t understand that it might be a smile of pain.”

Image copyright MIT

Image caption Prof Picaurd admits even engineers become attached to the machines they work with

But Prof Picaurd admitted it was hard not to develop feelings for the machines we surrounded ourselves with and confessed that even she had fallen into that trap, treating her first car “as if it had a personality”.

“I blinked back a tear when I sold it, which was ridiculous,” she said.

At her lab, engineers design robots that can help humans but do not necessarily look human.

One project is looking at robots that could work in hospitals as a companion to children when their parents or a nurse is not available. And they are working on a robot that will be able to teach children but also show them how to cope with not knowing things.

We may have to limit our emotional response to robots but it is important that the robots understand ours, according to Prof Picaurd.

“If the robot does something that annoys you, then the machine should see that you are irritated and – like your dog – do the equivalent of putting down its tail, put its ears back and look like it made a mistake,” she said.

Killer robots

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption War robots are unlikely to be actual robots and instead will look like conventional weapons but with autonomy

Roboticist Prof Noel Sharkey also thinks that we need to get over our obsession with treating machines as if they were human.

“People perceive robots as something between an animate and an inanimate object and it has to do with our in-built anthropomorphism,” he told BBC News.

“If objects move in a certain way, we think that they are thinking.

“What I try and do is stop people using these dumb analogies and human words for everything.

“It is about time we developed our own scientific language.”

To prove his point, at one conference he attended recently he picked up an extremely cute robotic seal, designed for elderly care, and started banging its head against a table.

“People were calling me a monster,” he said.

Actually, Prof Sharkey is much more of a pacifist – and leads the campaign to ban killer robots, something he thinks is a far more pressing ethical issue in modern-day robotics.

“These are not human-looking robots,” he said.

“I’m not talking about Terminators with a machine gun.

“These weapons look like conventional weapons but are designed so that the machine selects its own target, which to me is against human dignity.”

Prof Sharkey listed some of the current projects he thought were crossing the line into unethical territory:

Harpy – an Israeli weapons system designed to attack radar signals, with a high-explosive warhead. If the signal is not Israeli, then it dive-bombs

an autonomous super-tank, being developed by the Russian army

an autonomous gun designed by Kalashnikov

And he has been working at the UN for the past five years to get a new international treaty signed that either bans the use of them or states that they can never be used without “meaningful human control” – 26 nations are currently signed up, including China.

Listen to more on this story: Can you murder a robot? The Documentary, BBC World Service, airing 17 March

[switchedatbirthspoilers]

Switched at Birth Boss Breaks Down the Sentimental Final Episode

Switched at Birth began with a pretty insane premise -- two teenage girls discover they were sent home from the hospital with the wrong parents and attempt to get to know their biological families.

It sounds like a soap opera of epic proportions, but in reality Switched was a simple family drama that explored the difficulty of forming relationships in adolescence and trying to find where you belong. The show forged a unique relationship with the deaf community by making several of its core characters deaf and most of the cast fluent in American Sign Language by the end of the series.

The show told stories about coming of age, family, first loves, trauma and strength over the course of five seasons and over 100 episodes. In the end, after all of the drama and the tribulations, Switched at Birth came back to its core family to show the power of love whether you're related by blood or not.

TVGuide.com talked to Switched at Birth creator Lizzy Weiss about the final episode, the show's legacy and where she sees Switched ending up in the future. See her answers below.

TVGuide.com: You didn't have a lot of notice that this season would be your last. What was the most important thing for you to wrap up and address in the final episodes to give the series proper closure?

Lizzy Weiss: First off, it was important to send Daphne off on the doctor path. I flirted briefly with taking her off that path - simply because people do change their minds in college or soon afterwards - but it just felt like it'd be a huge letdown for Daphne Vasquez not to fulfill that lifelong dream. She really is an inspiring character and I do want a legacy of the show to be a deaf woman who becomes a physician. As for Bay, I also wanted to send her off on a career path that felt right - if not forever, then for now - and tattooing is the perfect mix of art and East Riverside and entrepreneurship. That's nature Bay - not nurture - taking over. That's where she was destined to end up no matter who raised her. And then of course we had to answer the Bay Emmett Travis triangle...

As for the adults, John and Kathryn were always the Eric and Tami Taylor (Friday Night Lights) of the show -- the couple who always held it together. They were the central Mom and Dad in a traditional home and Christmas hearth way, and it always felt like we could throw ripples or even tidal waves their way, but they'd never waiver in their long-term love or commitment, and I wanted to reiterate that.

It felt right to point Toby towards a brand new career path that is defined by his child and disability and a path that began in the pilot of the show with meeting his biological deaf sister. And I loved the twist we came up with for Regina - giving her long-term love and commitment but never sacrificing her morals or strength to get that love. We gave her a series of men but Eric is just so solid and sexy and kind, despite his complicated back story, that they always felt right together.

TVGuide,com: I loved the symmetry of Travis and Emmett going to Japan together after Bay and Daphne's life changing trip to China. What inspired that? Do you think that could have spin-off potential?

Lizzy Weiss: Ha! Spin-off, I love that! It was a way to honor the friendship and the brotherhood and the thematic concept of siblings brought together by unique circumstances. It was also a way to send Emmett off into the world on a new adventure. I think photojournalist is an awesome profession for him and I'm excited to imagine him off on that journey. The whole idea of them starting out their careers in a foreign country with each other to lean on just feels open and fresh and fun and difficult and funny and crazy and right.

TVGuide.com: It was really emotional to see Daphne ask Kathryn if she could call her mom for the first time. When do you think that turning point came for Daphne and do you think Bay feels the same way about Regina?

Lizzy Weiss: That was a moment that was in my back pocket for a long time and I always wanted to wait until the end for it. I think Daphne slowly began to think of Kathryn as her other mom enough to call her 'Mom' awhile ago but she held off because she didn't want to upset Regina. And then in that moment, with the nostalgia and the emotions running high, it just felt right and she knew Regina would understand and not be threatened. It just means a lot to Kathryn to hear that - she's that kind of person; being a mom defined her for a long time and the loss of raising Daphne was seriously profound for her. But Regina isn't as traditional and for some reason, I just picture Bay calling Regina 'Regina' forever. It's just a personality thing for them both, plus their initial relationship was always more fraught and more big sister/little sister or aunt/niece.

TVGuide: I am an unapologetic [Bay/Emmett] shipper. If you had more episodes do you think they could have found their way back to each other or does it feel more fitting they accept they were first loves and move on?

Lizzy Weiss: This was the right ending, whether or not we had more episodes. Maybe it's because Bay met (or started dating) Travis later in life, after a lot of the terrible stuff happened to her, and it was just timing - as is so much in life. But the penultimate episode (Travis telling his mom) showed that Bay and Travis are tight. They're strong. They've got the goods to go the distance. Big romantic moves are wonderful but can you go through incredibly hard stuff together and come out stronger? That's an adult relationship.

That being said, the Bay/Emmett montage was really emotional for me. I did it to honor the relationship and its importance to the show and the character and the fans, even though they don't end up together. There are a lot of intense Bemmett fans and I understand the passion because the Bay/Emmett relationship was so specific and unique - I don't think there's ever been a teenage love story between a hearing girl and a deaf boy on TV before so it was in itself romantic and fascinating and delightful. And then of course Vanessa and Sean had such great chemistry; it was undeniably special. But it was a first love and most first loves do not last and that is what makes them so potent and poignant. That first love and first broken heart defines your youth and brings you right back to that time. And when you think about it, it's delirious and erotic and excruciating and wistful all at once. So that final look between them was supposed to be all of that - 'I am remembering all of those moments that no one knows but us - and the power they had in shaping who I am today, and I will always carry you in my heart, even though we go our separate paths'.

TVGuide.com: Is there anyone you wish you could have invited back for the final episodes that you didn't have time to include?

Lizzy Weiss: Yes! We tried to get both Wilke and Ty back, but for scheduling reasons, that wasn't possible. In fact, the creation of Mingo originally came out of a desire to get a ridiculous Wilke energy back for Daphne, and then along the way, Mingo became his own adorable self and, of course, 'the one.'

TVGuide.com: If there's a Switched at Birth reunion in 10 years, where do you see your main characters being?

Lizzy Weiss: That's a great question but one that I will keep to myself for now. I think touching base with this family again would be lovely, but if they go off into the sunset of the fans' imagination, I can live with that too.

TVGuide.com: What has being captain of this show for five years meant for you?

Lizzy Weiss: I talked about Bay and Emmett and first love above, and how intense it is and how fresh and open and present you are, and this feels the same to me. This show was so personal to me. I was there from the first noodle of an idea scratched out on a piece of paper to the last shot of the finale. So sometimes I wonder if any other show will ever mean this much to me or be this magical or intense or bring me this much joy, but that's how you always feel at the end of a relationship, right? No one will ever love you like that again. But then you meet the right person, and they do, and you do, and it's just different.

Which is all to say, it's been transformative, and I'm incredibly grateful to my partners - the writers and actors and the network, and my actual partner on the show Paul Stupin - who was also there every step of the way, as my co-captain. We had a total blast doing it. And we just all feel really, really lucky.

TVGuide.com: Is there any final message you want to give to the Switched viewers and fans?

Lizzy Weiss: Thank you not just for watching and loving it and keeping it on the air for 103 episodes, but for telling me all of the ways in which the show impacted you, both tiny and profound. To all of you who chose a profession from the show, or who spoke to someone at Starbucks for the first time in sign language, or who continued your cable TV package just to watch a show with a deaf protagonist for your deaf daughter, or who said 'my brother has Down Syndrome,' 'I was assaulted in college,' 'I'm black and that is exactly what it feels like to walk across my campus' - I'm so glad you felt heard and seen and validated. The door is open. Keep making your own stories about your own unique perspective on the world. There is so much left to say.

x

[hotmealfund-blog]

Susan

This is the first of the entries/interviews conducted under The Hot Meal initiative.

Note: Q&A portions are direct quotations transcribed from recorded portions of the interview, with permission in advance.

I met Susan on Monday morning as she sat outside the Harvard Square train station. I approached her and asked if she had eaten breakfast to which she responded no. When I asked if she wanted to go somewhere to eat she said she couldn’t because she had to watch over her things. However, she said she would love a bacon, gouda & egg sandwich from the Starbucks a few feet away to which I eagerly agreed to get for her. As I exited the Starbucks and handed her the bag, she immediately apologized for any perceived rudeness for refusing to eat somewhere and explained how important it was to watch over her stuff.

As I explained who I was, and what I was doing, Susan was receptive to the idea. At the mention of the 2 shelters nearby, HSHS and Y2Y, Susan immediately pointed out the small capacity of the shelters and the fact that they’re not open year-round, just during the winter. She gave a simple, yet poignant explanation for why they should always be open, “It’s still cold at night,” she stated.

Winter Storm

As we talked about the blizzard expected to hit on Tuesday, she described her options for the snowstorm, which consist of two inns.

Elmer: Can you go over the housing options you have for the night again?

Susan: There’s the Farrington Inn [Boston] and the [Cambridge] Gateway [Inn]. The Gateway doesn’t really like to serve homeless people because a lot of them do go in there and get drunk and, you know, break things you know, so they pick and choose who they want to let it, you know what I mean. And um, I like to go to the Farrington because they’re not as judgmental. I think they just want uh, they just want their money for the room.

Elmer: How expensive is it?

Susan: The Farrington is $85 a night, and Gateway is $110 plus a $50 deposit, you’ll get that back if nothing’s broken. I don’t mind doing it [staying in a room] like on, you know, occasions like, like a blizzard, you know what I mean. Or 20 below zero weather.

Susan’s Interactions with the Community

Our conversation shifted to how people view the homeless, and my desire to bring their stories to others and give them the respect and dignity they deserve. Susan recalled an incident from a day earlier, on Sunday. As she stood with her husband, and two sons by the escalator at the entrance of the train station, a woman yelled at them for blocking the escalator, crying, “Just because you’re homeless you think you own everything!” This baffled Susan who says she responded by telling the woman that all she had to say was “excuse me.”

Elmer: You’ve mentioned people giving you side eyes, or being rude. If you had to give a fraction of people who are rude, compared to people who are nice and want to take the time to talk, what would it be?

Susan: More than half are rude I would say. But the people I find that are really nice are like my weekday people. You know, the workers. The working-class people. I find that the more people– the wealthier they are, the more ignorant and just mean. The majority of people that give to me are the working-class people that know that they could be here in any given moment. I never thought I would be homeless– [Woman hands Susan a cigarette] Thank you honey.

Woman: You’re welcome.

Susan: This is Kelly [as Kelly stands there]. She works at Starbucks, she’s my friend, she’s cool people. [Returning to question] You know so it’s a give and take, I find that the weekends are more challenging. There are more tourists and the workers aren’t here. A lot of them aren’t here, there are a few that work on the weekend. Like I said, I like my Monday through Friday people. Like I became, you know on a first basis with a lot of them and you know they do come and talk to me and ask me about my life. And you know, I know a little about their lives. And they come and tell me their problems all the time.

Kelley: She’s our personal therapist

Susan: So you know, it’s nice to have that. They look at me as a person, not just someone on the street.

Kelly: Did you go by Insomnia and talk to the manager?

Susan: I called. I gotta to go in tomorrow.

Kelly: For like an interview, or just –

Susan: Just to go in she said, “Just come in.”

Kelly: Well, look nice. [Laughter]

Susan: Thank you.

Susan: [Turning towards me] Yeah I was out here [sitting] and one of the managers from Insomnia Cookies wanted me to go in there and talk to her. They had a position open for late nights as a baker, late night. We’ll see, we’ll see, because I have like a lot of people offer me jobs and then fall through and it’s just been major disappointment, one after the other. So I’m not even going to be too enthused right now until it has the possibility of going through.

Susan’s Family

What I found most unique about Susan’s experience is that she’s not the only one who is homeless, instead it’s her and her family. She has a husband and two boys in high school who she worries about and prioritizes keeping them well-groomed for school.

Elmer: Is your husband somewhere else also trying to get some money, so you can put it together?

Susan: Yeah. And he’s not doing well either you know. He feels bad because he was– he worked as a truck driver for 33 years and he has a lot of guilt, because I was a stay-at-home mom. I never had to work. I’m the one that just–  you know family. You know he wanted me to –  and I wanted to be with the kids. He worked as a truck driver and I didn’t have to work. He provided for us. And um…he lost – he wasn’t able to work anymore because he got hurt and then he got hit by a car. And um, he wasn’t able to work anymore, and like he’s still fighting to get his disability and it’s like, it makes me angry that there are so many people out here that are able to work and have that [disability]. And so, he can’t even bend, he can’t do a lot of things. He feels guilty, he feels you know like he’s to blame for it. But it – you know you can’t – you know I tell him all the time that just, shit happens and it’s not our fault. So, he has that guilt. But like we just tried to stay in our place as long as we could, using his 401k and all that went to paying bills, paying rent, food, and everything for as long as we could. You know, we had two motorcycles, we had two cars, we had to sell all that just to try to try to stay afloat a little longer. And it just– it’s gone…That’s how we got out here.

Elmer: How do you keep it together? Keep your family together?

Susan: Oh god…I don’t even know. It’s, well because, you know we had that strong family bond before we became homeless. Like we would constantly– [Someone puts money in her plastic cup] Thank you so much, have a good day. [Returning to question]–like um, you know, we were always close. I think that had a lot to do with it you know. And they [children] had for a lot of years like without this, this is our first experience [with homelessness]. It was hard for them at first you know but they got to know, you know life happens, you know shit happens. Um, you know, they’re just, they’re just good boys, they want to help out as much as they can but I’m more on their education. Just focus on school and you, things like that, we’ll do the rest. But um– it’s just– whatever I ask them to do, they’ll do it. And they know that things are hard, so they’re not going to make it any harder than it has to be. They’re in a program actually– they’re in a shelter– it’s for homeless teens. And you know I see them every day. It’s […] Bridge Over Troubled Waters, and they go to go to school and have a place. So that’s good for them. Me and my husband have to stay in different shelters. It’s just, you know we’re all like apart, but together, you know what I mean.

Elmer: Would you say your boys give you hope?

Susan: Oh yeah, always, always.

Elmer: Do you have family –

Susan: I do, but I’m not close to them.

Elmer: Are you from here?

Susan: I am from here. And um, they [family] know the situation, and you know, they don’t care. They never reached out. Whatever…

Relationship with Other Homeless & Stigmas

Elmer: Do you find that people who are homeless help each other out

Susan: Oh boy…yeah…yeah, they do. But, there are those few that have addiction problems and alcohol problems and you know, just the young ones you know, they’ll befriend you and then try to steal from you. And they do steal. So you just have to basically pick and choose who you want to spend your time with. Basically, you have to sleep next to these people too, a lot of the time. They’ll take from you and not even care. I told a lot of them [the homeless] you really have to pick and choose who your friends are.

Elmer: Talking about addiction, there’s a common idea of, “Oh if you see someone who is homeless and wants money they’re going to use it for alcohol and drugs.”

Susan: Some of them, some of them will. Yeah, but they’re people too. They need to eat, they need to clean themselves although a lot of them don’t look like they do. But um, they need things other than alcohol too. But I get that, but not all homeless people are addicts and alcoholics. That’s that stigma that every homeless person is – I mean everyone has their own story and it’s not generalized homeless people are substance abusers. I’d like to get that across, that’s my biggest thing, they judge you without even talking to you.

Passerby: Stay safe tomorrow, there’s a huge blizzard.

Susan: I know, be good.

Susan: [Returning to question] Some people will be like, “Do you drink? And do this…” No I don’t. And you know, it’s… I mean I get it, they want to make sure their money goes to good use and I understand that and that’s what I do. I mean I have phone which I need for housing, for my kids, and what have you. I have the cheapest plan on Earth. I was on the phone the other day talking to my son and a woman walked by and looked at my sign and she’s like, “if you’re homeless you should not have a phone!” I looked at her and was like, “Oh my god lady” Like, just because I’m homeless I shouldn’t have a phone? Okay, I shouldn’t have that luxury. They consider that a luxury. No, it’s a necessity. It is a necessity. You know you need a way for the housing authorities to get in touch with you, a shelter, or to call for a bed. A lot of people just don’t realize you know. You need your T pass–

Woman 2: No granola bars today. [Places cash in cup] But not for cigarettes! If I can’t smoke, you can’t smoke [looking at cigarette in Susan’s hand].

Susan: Someone just gave this to me.

Woman 2: Okay maybe you can treat them. But I was once was a happy, thin smoker too.

Susan: I’m not thin.

Woman 2: Neither am I cause I stopped.

Susan: I don’t buy them [cigarettes], I do not buy them.

Woman 2: I know. Stay warm, it’s a tough week. [As she walks away:] I’ll have granola bars next week.

Susan: Thank you. [Returning to question] See, you get a lot of, “don’t do that”– I had a life before this. I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink alcohol. That’s my vice right there [lifting cigarette]. You caught me, so like kill me. [Laughing] I get it, they’re expensive. I don’t buy them, but if someone gives me a cigarette I’m going to smoke it. You know what I mean. I don’t do anything but that. And I don’t get a check. And a lot of people out here do, get like SSI [Supplemental Security Income], disability, I don’t know how but they do. And um, yeah, it’s crazy. And like they’ll be out here doing this [asking for change] but they get their money on the first of the month, or the third, or whenever they get it, and um like 2 days later they’re doing this [asking for change again]. I’m like “God if I had that” [Laughs] I would stretch it out. But they have problems, you know, they have, they have their addiction or whatever and themselves I guess so. So, this is like basically what I have, to provide.

Memories & Uncertainty

Elmer: What would you say is your happiest memory has been recently? Or just a happy memory?

Susan: Oh my god, a happy memory…It’s been so long. Um, I don’t know, just, just like being at home, having family dinners. Like, I cooked all the time at night, you know we sat around and we talked about, just our days and how they went. Just, you know, being, being, being happy. You know I miss that. I miss the holidays with my kids, you know, watching them open their presents. Yeah so that’s it…You’re going to make me cry.

Elmer: I’m sorry, I just want to bring some positivity back because I feel it’s important. I can only imagine, you know, I feel like I’ve been so lucky. My parents have worked so hard for my brother and I, and I know the challenges they go through for that reason – they want to give us a home and food, so I can only imagine how hard this can be.

Susan: Yeah…yeah…

Elmer: You mentioned that now you’re just waiting for housing – waiting to hear back from that

Susan: Yeah, it’s just – it’s a long process. You know they have their requirements, who fits, who’s their highest priority. My kids aren’t young, young and not their top priority.

Elmer: Do you feel that because the process is so long and it’s so tedious, there are all these steps, does that discourage people who may otherwise have the willingness to apply?

Susan: Mhm…it does [Sigh]. You just gotta pray – I pray every day I get that phone call. Like, is today going to be the day? It doesn’t happen that way.

After thanking Susan for her time and her willingness to talk I placed a few dollars in her cup and made my way back home, with her story lingering in the back of my mind. And as I sit here writing, I can only hope the best for Susan and her family, knowing that the blizzard will be here in just a few hours.