#and just get stuck ruminating
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i’m looking at 7s vol 1 ch 7: “the morning dew” (ch 28-32) which is actually proving fairly enlightening?
in short: from the information in this chapter, we can safely place nmj’s and jgs’s deaths in the second and third years after wwx died (or more specifically, during lwj’s seclusion). nmj probably died towards the end of the second year, and jgs has a window of just over a year after that, but is definitely dead by the end of the third year.
i was only looking at this chapter for now, so others may be able to provide more details, but it’s 2:30AM and it’s not happening right now
specific details/quotes under the cut
i’m measuring approximately in “years After [wwx’s] Death,” aka AD
p.300—lwj says xxc emerged from the mountain “twelve years ago.” narration confirms that this would be the next year after the siege of the burial mounds (1AD)
per villainous friends, xxc first meets xy while xy is still working on the yin tiger tally (ytt), and before the slaughter of the chang sect. xxc is already friends with sl at this point, and has a shining reputation, so it should have been at least a few months since he descended. (~1.3AD)
p.307—wwx theorizes that xy slaughtered the chang to test the power of the restored ytt. as of villainous friends, ytt incomplete, so we’ll assume he spends at least another month working on it (~1.4AD)
p.303—the time between the slaughter of the chang clan and xy’s capture was min ~two months; “half a month” + “period of mourning,” which would be ~49 days if my google search is accurate, =~65 days (~1.6AD)
p.308-309 talks about nmj’s role; p.309—nmj died “not long after” the debacle over xy’s sentencing. (i would estimate minimum 1-2 months, ~1.8AD)
it also notes that it was specifically jgs who was shielding xy, though it doesn’t indicate how long it took for xy to be released and go do another slaughter. (min est ~1.9AD)
p.313—after xy’s revenge on baixue temple and sl, xxc takes sl to baoshan sanren’s mountain. “another year passed before Song Lan also emerged” (~2.9AD)
also on p.313—“Song Lan had wanted to seek revenge against Xue Yang, at first. But by then, Jin Guangshan had already passed away.”(~2.9 AD)
and it turns out we do have pretty solid bookends on when these events could have taken place: p.311 talks about xy’s slaughter of baixue temple, no evidence left behind. wwx thinks lwj “would not have sat back quietly” and wonders why he didn’t do anything, then remembers lwj’s discipline whip scars; concludes “these incidents had probably happened when lwj was being punished” (p.313)(0AD—3AD).
but really just years 2 and 3, since it was a year before xxc descended, and shit didn’t start hitting the fan until after that.
i personally think the timeline is too squished in general, so my personal headcanons are actually that this shit took WAAAAY longer (like, sunshot lasted like 5-6+ years, postwar lasted at least 3+yrs, all these events during the timeskip happened over like 5yrs, etc.) but i tried to rein in my hcs here.
(i refuse to believe that xxc became famous overnight tho, i don’t care what this chapter says. ya boy was a 17yr old vigilante who grew up on a hippie commune, for crying out loud let the kid learn what money is before he’s thrust into stardom)
..... I think Jin Guangyao must have killed his father and Nie Mingjue around the same time.
The Villainous Friends extra ends with the fateful "not worth mentioning" that drives Jin Guangyao to kill his father, and earlier in the extra, Xue Yang asks if it was Nie Mingjue who gave Jin Guangyao his bruises, indicating that Nie Mingjue was still alive.
But at the stairs, the moment he decided to kill Nie Mingjue, their argument was kicked off by Jin Guangyao continuing to follow his father's orders, and it was important to the argument that Jin Guangyao was in an unstable position, not yet the sect leader/chief cultivator, so Jin Guangshan was clearly alive and kicking when Jin Guangyao made the decision to kill Nie Mingjue.
The song of turmoil took about a month or less to really do Nie Mingjue in, but we don't know how much time elapsed between the "not worth mentioning" and Jin Guangyao killing his father, so my best guess at a timeline is that "not worth mentioning" happened while Jin Guangyao was playing the song of turmoil, before Nie Mingjue died of it, and Jin Guangyao took maybe a few weeks to plan and execute his scheme to kill his father, during which time, the song did its job.
Still, that's two sect leaders, both of whom Jin Guangyao was known to be afraid of, dying in a very short amount of time. Unless he waited to kill his father until the timeframe wouldn't be suspicious?
#i think in your tags you mentioned how jgy might have heard this phrase over and over#which i love the idea of#but also i think jgy would also absolutely fixate on it on his own#and just get stuck ruminating#:)#jgy tag#mdzs talk#mdzs book ref
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ཻ۪۪♡.
#i want to learn how to vent healthily#bc i have this incessant pathological need to like share every thought i have#and if i dont i get this restless uneasy feeling in my chest and i get restless and worried and like wtf?#whats wrong w me? maybe it has smth to do w that during my entire life i have never been listened to or been helped#like during my life i've asked for help repeatedly but when i have i've only been dismissed or not believed etc etc#so maybe that translated into my head to just feel the need to share it in a public space.....#bc i used to write rverything in a diary but i filled them too quickly and i cant afford the money or space to do that#so i started using twitter and now tumblr... but that has only resulted in me like feeding into it?#it's not healthy to feel the need to share EVERY thought or else u feel crazy. i also shouldnt focus or dwell on thoughts sm#i do have issues bc of my disorders and anxiety. plus avpd in swedish is literally called 'anxious personality disorder' 💀#so it is in me to be anxious and worried and neurotic#but still i want to learn how to not be fixated on thoughts and feelings (also a challenge bc bpd makes feelings feel all consuming)#if i think smth - that also can be totally untrue and only based on my worries -#i can just think it and let it go. idk have to dwell on it and obsess over it. (im trying mindfulness for years lol)#bc most of my venting is like me getting stuck in feelings and idk why i feel the need to express it constantly?#it isnt worth it. bc actually it has caused rifts and missunderstandings in multiple connections i've had online...#i do feel like venting isnt smth bad.. and i think emotions are PERSONAL and like completely unrelated to truth and other ppl#but i get it.. esp when u only know eo online and dont know everything going on in eo's heads#then u only get that as a full image when it isnt the whole picture#so like idk. i WANT to be able to get a healthier outlook on it.. bc this isnt working#both bc of myself and for myself but also in relation to others#and like. why do i like never see anyone else on thmblr/twitter that post EVERY thought like me???? (i dont think its wrong to do bc *i*#have a different pov on it and idc abt other ppl's vents but .. yeah idk why do i do this but no one else does it at the level i do?#so idk i've just been thinking of this lately bc yeah.. yeah i just dont know i dont know.... :///#i actually want to be able to not ruminate and get stuck in it but idk how to break free?#plus expressing positive emotions & thoughts is terrifying to me like idk why but i cant????#why??? i feel like im undeserving of good things that i cant even express smth nice bc im like .. i dont deserve to think/feel that??
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yknow when my therapist closed last week's session with a "so next week is the election please talk to me before considering dying" talk I kinda brushed it off but now it's two days away and there it is, that funny feeling once again.
#my diary#(feeling the need for a trip to inpatient amirite)#nah I'm fine I just wasn't expecting to dread it this much this time around#the amount of cognitive dissonance required to survive american politics is truly incomprehensible#the closest I've ever coming to understanding eldritch horror#there's a post that goes around here periodically that talks about how americans don't really have a cool kaiju like japan has godzilla#and I'm not really into kaiju media much but my friends are so I've been seeing more of it#and idk that post got its hooks into my brain and I got to wondering how a kaiju would manifest here#like what would that look like#but brother I think the kaiju is us#the american empire is the kaiju being inflicted on the rest of the world#and we're in-the-hills-in-the-cities-style bound to this unstoppable empirical monstrosity that's consuming and destroying the whole planet#and at this point in my life I feel like I woke up from the matrix but am still stuck and plugged into the battery pod#too weak to break free but you can't un-awaken (at least not entirely)#so you're just....... stuck in the pod and forced to occasionally re-enter delusion land to cast a ballot#like the ballot is going to affect the giant squid robots back in the real world somehow#this metaphor is getting away from me which means I'm ruminating so I'm gonna go play splatoon now#all this to say I hope kamala harris wins#and ha ha hee hee hoo hoo my therapist was right I'd get weird about the election even though I thought I'd be normal and fine
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my ocd is actually going SO CRAZY RN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#actuallyocd#minnie post#omg i just found myslef ruminating over if im a good dog owner or not for Reasons and then i realized what was happening#then now im like. uughsudhfihsdf CAN THIS SHIT FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF#i swear for like 3 whole months ive been stuck in the same rumination then reassurance cycle#im the most self aware person EVER. but god i just cant get out of this no matter how self aware i am its like. BRUH#my ocd ruminations always attack the things that mean the most to me#and its making me feel guilty and wrong for just being happy when#i think abt and engage w the things that make me happy .#cuz like i hyperfixate on fucking everything and my interests reflect my soul#but ocd is like. no ur dumb. and u shouldnt feel happy and u shouldnt engage w this#instead u should think abt how miserable u are bc its good to be self aware!#im soooo sick of this DISORDERRRR#TAKES MY ENERGY FOR EVERYTHING#I am so tired all the time#and sometimes im like damn i dont do shit all day why am i so tired#mb its bc your brain is in overdrive constantly idfk#im so tired yall#how do i DIY a lobotomy in my bathroom#send answers QUICK
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#aaaand thats a 3rd doctor. a psychiatrist. who listened to me ans thought: mm sounds like bip0lar lol#me: wow its so easy to get diagnosed as bip0lar. thats bc u r exhibiting lots of depression and a limit amount of mood elevation. that's#like. thats what bip0lar is. she was like yea ppl with bip0lar 2 spend like 75% of time being depressed and a lil elevated mood... which#sounds like what u r describing. me:#...yeah. but again its complicated by the 0cd and spectrum issues. but she independently brought up 4dhd. just when i was like no its all#0cd. here we r again. stuck back in the messy overlap. but whatever i got proscribed bip0lar medicine. lam1ctal. we'll see#bc everyone i talk to is like. we need to control the mood 1st. like so u dont die. and im like hm yeah good call lol#she seems super cool tho. like i would love to just talk to her. ugh. she wants to get a handle on the mood and then maybe add a stimulant#bc shes had it happen in thr past where someone comes in with debiltating 0cd and got treated with lam1ctol and a stimulant and the#obsessive rumination stopped. so well see. idk if ill actually qualify as 4dhd enough. well see. fingers crossed#my mood is a lil elevated rn so its all fun. well see if we tip off a cliff bc im getting less sleep and go go going#unrelated#ugh im scared to start the medine tho bc the ssri i got proscribed fucked me up so much. which is also an indicator of bip0lar#god dammit. if this works im gonna have to actually accept the idea of being bip0lar. i mean. it makes sense being on that spectrum#is just sounds insane and i was not expecting it despite my fucking obsession with understanding wtf my deal is#idk. whatever. doesnt matter
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#horrible awful no good very bad day#apparently last night the apartment below ours caught fire and we were out of town#and we didnt find out til several hours later from our neighbor who had to track me down on facebook- we didnt hear a thing#from the apartment in any official capacity until like? 10 hours after the fire?#anyway we rushed home supremely early from a friend trip that was like#meant to be very good and fun#anyway so we rush home because no one can tell us if our cats are okay#and they were but our whole apartment is supremely smoky and all of our possessions are extremely smoky#and we cant stay there or let the cats stay there because of the smoke and soot and particles it just doesnt feel safe#so now im in my partners familys house which is like#fine but its full of people and i dont feel fully comfortable and i cant fully relax and and and and and etc etc etc etc#and tomorrow i have to wake up early and go over there and find out what if anything the complex plans to do about it and how long its gonna#be until we can come back safely. or more likely get more noncommittal answers and be unsure#and i dont know how long i can stay here and be normal#AND to top it all off i paid like 60$ to go to an aquarium i didnt even get to go to . but yknow. all of my friends got to !#and like im happy for them but no one was excited as i was and now i get to ruminate on how everyone got to do the fun thing i love#while i was stuck doing 17 loads of laundry and bathing the soot out of my cats fur in someone elses house#certainly it could be worse and im glad my cats are fine and im glad its just smoke damage and not yknow. Burn damage#but im having a sad little pity party anyway because i was supposed to have an amazing beautiful day ending in a relaxing evening#in my own home#and now i have to cope with all of this instead. all i want to do is cry#and also like. im scared we will have to move#but im also scared we wont... because like#i think it was a gas issue. and knowing that that happened in my building? and also knowing how much landlords love to halfass#repairs and everything else#i just dont know how safe i will feel there#even if they tell me its fine#anyway sorry for the tag vent post again my old ways will never die#ghost posts
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sometimes i think maybe it's a good thing i'm so traumatized and fucked up mentally and emotionally bc then i never expect ppl to be kind or even just plain old nice to me, so when they ARE kind or nice i feel overwhelming gratitude and almost a sense of awe HFDSJKL like... i dont know if i would have had this appreciation for each little piece of kindness if i wasn't the way that i am. but also i know thats kind of an absolutely wild way of thinking about this LMAO
#but then on the other side of things i still get really hurt when ppl are cruel or just the usual flavour of mean#like i had a mother with a stroller get huffy and aggressive w me yesterday as i was getting off the bus and that rly stuck w me#idk what else i could've done in that situation except control my tone a little better maybe but i was really anxious#because her stroller was in the way of the aisle and i was trying to figure out the fastest way to navigate around it to exit#bc the bus drivers are always in a hurry so i didnt want to keep anybody waiting while i got around her stroller#so i just said ''sorry i just need to get by'' and i think my tone was not Perfectly Pleasant bc i was really anxious and unsure#but i meant it as a ''sorry if i touch ur stroller as i squeeze past'' dsjfkl i didnt mean it like ''u need to move ur shit for me''#alas. i think she took it as the latter. also im pretty sure she was on edge already bc she knew her stroller would be in the way#anyways i said that and she did the thing where ppl throw up their hands in a really quick defensive/aggressive half-shrug gesture#where they're gesturing like ''what the fuck !!! what are you doing !!!'' idk how common that gesture is dsjkl i see it a lot around town#and i just quickly squeezed past her stroller and tried not to touch it as little as i could and then said thank you and scuttled away#BUT IT REALLY BOTHERED ME THAT SHE GOT SO HUFFY ABOUT IT. i've been trying to figure out what i could've done differently#unfortunately i think its just one of those things where we were BOTH anxious or on edge so she was just assuming i was being aggressive#bc she probably expected ppl to be rude about her stroller so... when u expect that it'll colour ur perceptions of ppls behaviours#so i am not even upset w her at all fsdjkl i simply wish it had gone better. alas!! what a silly little encounter to be ruminating over#ANYHOWDY... I am glad that i can have such appreciation for kindness when it happens fdsjkdl#like i had a little snippet of small talk about bananas with a stranger in the grocery store last year and i still think about it happily#bc idk. it means so much to me. making little connections w ppl! its very very important to me bc i dont get it very often!#and theres some kind things ppl have said to me online that have stuck with me or will stick with me for honest-to-god years fdsjkl#and perhaps i am a sap but ... I'm just glad i can hold these small bits of goodness so close to my heart bc it makes life a little nicer#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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#the amount of compassion you have to pour directly into a bad-faith asshole's mouth without knowing whether there's even a point#in order to get them to the point where they're willing to engage at a level where they actually take your feelings & words into account#the point where they even start hearing you and seeing you as a potential equal in conversation#the point where learning and growing becomes a possibility#is fucking exhausting. and i understand why a lot of people refuse to do it. i understand why some people dont practice what they preach#because sometimes the congregation in question is just there to throw tomatoes without any intent of listening#but idc! idc! im not gonna let a bunch of assholes close my heart off. id rather be naive but kind and get taken advantage of#if the alternative is leaving people behind or making a single person feel the way i have felt#having good intentions but being unable to express it w/o negative emotion or without the correct words or not being given a fighting chanc#to never be seen as a person or heard or listened to is so hurtful#i never want to do that to someone#and if i have parted ways with you or made you feel like that at any point please know it is only when i have no other options left#i know it's an autism thing to be so utterly gutted at being misunderstood and i'm most likely giving energy to people who don't deserve it#but i dont care! i dont care!#my compassion IS a renewable resource because i keep feeding it hope and humanity#i get mad sometimes but please know every angry word i've ever said has stuck on my mind like a glue trap#i remember every fight i have been slightly too aggressive and potentially awful in since the fifth grade and i continue to ruminate#on harm i have caused however big or small#i feel so surrounded by hate and anger and i just want to be that person who doesnt get caught up in it and can be compassionate no matter#lots to think about today ...#x
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girl who probably has avoidant personality disorder it's fine
#I SAID I WASN'T GOING TO THINK ABT IT BUT LIKE. WELL#something that stuck in my brain whenever i heard it was like#social anxiety gets better the closer u are to people and avpd gets worse? or something?#aaaaaand i guess the latter is true for me recently. whatever!!#it's just like bigger stakes if we're closer and i fuck up and they don't like me anymore so it's scarier#buuut it could also be a bpd thing Maybe?#bpd being like a silly little mix of symptoms from so many things bcuz its literally Emotionally Unstable PD n wtv#but i dont rmbr enough at this point since bpds so obvious i havent needed to ruminate over having it in at least a year -w-#this makes me sound so fake. sorries.#diary
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I’ve been spinning fresh start in my brain like a rotisserie chicken and the timer just dinged because I suddenly understand what needs to emotionally happen next
#I’ve been feeling a bit stuck for a while#I know where we end up but I don’t tend to map everything out in advance#even if I try to it just ends up changing lol#so sometimes I hit a roadblock where I don’t know how to get us there#but anyway I ruminated on it long enough that I just unleashed a flood in my drafts
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i need to go back to the counseling center so bad because there's no way that I can go on like this 😁
#idek if itll work. going back there and trying talk therapy again#this time im at least trying to get medication too. but wow dude when you have nothing else in your life going on#its so easy to just ruminate all day for hours. and being unable to like snap myself out of it is so ridiculous#im so stuck in shame and guilt its insane. i should be at the club. not pondering ways to die lol.#idk. i k ow i need to start some hard conversations too but when youve just adjusted to 'knowing' youll never get better#and youll be stuck like this forever thinking youre a terrible person to be around/in relationships with it does permanently alter you ig.#sometimes i just want to be told thst im worth the hard work but idk. im doing just fine without reassurance so maybe its a me problem.
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‧₊˚ ☽ ⋅
#also i wanna learn how to just like...#not unload on someone when i'm triggered and emotionally volatile and upset#and im stuck in like this little 12yr old kid's intense and overwhelming and confusing feelings#thats also mostly are rooted in self hatred and low self worth and an inferiority complex and just like yeah so insecure#bc when i say those things it's just a pained agonized scream and all of those things#are just what me skewed with emotional pain is thinking#not what the actual me feels#bc yeah that isnt what i actually mean or want to say#and most of it is also missunderstood bc im not able of delivering it how i mean it#so yeah i just so badly wanna learn how to just wait and hold my tongue#take a step back and take a breath and just think ruminate reflect etc etc and then calm down and feel less crazy#and get out n the other side of that pain induced little space in my head :////#bc i end up saying things that just are not what i mean and are riddled with insecurity and just like not a good or rational place#bc u cant take it back#bc u have already vomited all of these skewed things u've said out of pain and low self worth#i just dont know how to regulate my emotions#and idk what the line between venting and unloading is#but yeah omfg when i do calm down i feel so ashamed of everything i've said and i've also hurt someone and im just like#fuck why did i say that???? what??? and like just bc i feel smth in a moment bc of pain doesnt mean that is the conclusion i'll come to lat#after i've thought abt it and thought abt reality and what is important etc etc#just life FUCKKKK!!!!! i wanna scream im so frustrated w myself but idk how to learn this??? idk how!!! :(((
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god i cant wait until next WEEK
#ive never been so excited for my period#have an mf panic attack bc the pharmacy told me to get vaccinated wtf 😭#i got that text 2 hours ago and im literally not capable of just letting the thoughts go#i am still thinking about ‘well what if’ and no matter how i try to not engage#like its been two fucking hours and im still nonstop ruminating on am i gonna get cancer or not#its like i think i live in a fucking uranium mine or something#also i have scrub gang by insane clown posse stuck in my head. idk which is worse honestly.
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another obsessive trait is me deciding not to reblog my writing anymore but making an exception for maisy and harry because otherwise it will aesthetically deeply bother me
#like i dont know how to explain it#it's something to do with organization like#up until now ive been rb to reply#so if i stop doing it now it will just look different and i dont like it#and in my mind it makes sense bc it's one single post so it starts and ends with it#but for a toast to the future for instance i dont really care if i dont rb part 1 anymore bc ive decided to stop since part 3 (i think?)#and it's all the same thing so it wont bother me?#lmao do you see the kind of things my brain decides to SPEND TIME RUMINATING ABOUT#and the way it will get stuck in my head if i dont do it that way it's soooooo annoying
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I have started associating the ritual of brushing out your hair with forgiveness
#partially bc I always forget abt my hair and then it becomes very tangled#so it feels like a fresh start whenever I brush it out#and the longer I do it the more it's like#youre consistently forgiving yourself I guess and restarting the day through your hair#something something forgiveness gets easier over time the more trust is built#and it can be a constant process#it is a good practice for me bc I think looking for small was I can practice forgiveness rlly helps my ADHD brain not get stuck in#rumination mode#its also like you know grounding since it's a sensory thing#it is just a good reminder to trust myself in the present#also something that's very good for me with art is just 'forgiving' whatever else is going on with my day for a couple hours#and telling myself I can be fucked up abt it again after those hours#but not during and it helps me focus a lot better#not to be pro Disney but the sign that says#here you leave today and enter the world of fantasy the future and the past or whatever#i don't really remember#is like actually so helpful#anytime I went to Disneyland I made sure to read that sign bc I felt so much more in the present than if I didn't read it
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bones is waking up in a cold sweat stumbling into the corner of the room like i cant go there.......i cant end up there u know what they do to people there????do you know????????and spock is lying trapped underneath jim with one eye open like "leonard your culture's mythologisation of hell is based on a valley surrounding jerusalem where mass human sacrifice once took place. I can suggest this location for our next shore leave if you would be interested in seeing it for yourself. the atmosphere is quite pleasant
there's something so good about mcspirk just being this dude with his evangelical ocd and the 2 jewish boys that calm him down
#the first time bones learns abt jewish hell hes on his hands and knees begging to go#like please god spin the torment out of me scrub me like an old pair of pants on a medieval washboard pleas#my full hc btw is that he's an appalachian animist and probably also follows gaelic pantheon but continues to#sporadically believe in the god he grew up with bc of lasting trauma and paranoid delusions despite not actually religiously believing#like he has panic induced psychosis so when he gets stuck in the religious rumination spiral he fully#1000% believes in divine punishment rapture god and flaming sword carrie jesus until he can get his heart rate under control#and then hes fine#he is generally heavily medicated but chooses fast acting prns over repeat dose because he cant perform surgery while medicated#cus he needs a steady hand but then has to take them immediately after#because his biggest ocd theme is somatic and is heavily triggered by gore but hes an extremely high functioning insane person#whos like its fine this is all fine i will bottle everything up now and be calm and breathe normal and explode once everyones fine and safe#he and spock have a lot of similarities in terms of the ways they cope emotionally and thats why bones was so shitty to him abt it#cus he does the exact same thing just in a different way and he loves taking his shit out on people who remind him of himself#ocd bones#speaking of gaelic polytheism i just. love the idea of him praying to miach and airmid every morning before going to work#like yes#he has little herb jars dedicated to each of them and asks miach to bless his tools before he goes in for surgery#i love religion. love it
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