#my ocd ruminations always attack the things that mean the most to me

[minnieposting]

my ocd is actually going SO CRAZY RN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pure-o-soft]

i’m really scared and i need help. somehow a memory from a few months ago came into my head - basically, i was having sexual thoughts. it was pretty normal for the most part, but suddenly remembered that towards the end, i got a random thought that came into my head without warning that played on the sexual thoughts i was having - it was just a quick thought, and nothing graphic, but the contents implied that it was non-consensual. and i’m really scared. - 1

that has to have been an intrusive thought, right? i would never have done that. rape has always repulsed me. the idea of it disgusts me. i would never think about doing anything like that. but i can’t remember anything after that. that’s the thing that scares me. surely if it was intrusive and i remember it, i would have immediately catalogued it as intrusive and remembered it as that instead of freaking out about it like i am. - 2

what scares me even more is that my first kneejerk reaction was to try and justify it to myself like “i probably wasn’t imagining it like that” but like how else could you interpret something like that? i feel bad for even sending this because the hunch in the back of my head is telling me that i know i really did do it intentionally and i’m just desperately looking for a way out. but i could never have been attracted to that. please, give me some advice here, i’m really scared - 3

hi there!

I’m really sorry to hear how this experience has affected you and caused a lot of anxiety. But I’m glad you decided to write in, and I hope I can tell you something helpful.

Intrusive thoughts are any unwelcome and involuntary thought, image or idea. It can often feel like something that randomly “pops” into your head. They’re commonly sexual, violent or blasphemous in some way (but not always).

Even though almost everyone experience intrusive thoughts, not a lot of people really know what they are or why they happen. Rarely do people have an intrusive thought and say “oh! An intrusive thought!” There are two reactions to intrusive thoughts, one is one without and with OCD.

Someone without OCD: “oh, that was a weird/gross thought”

someone with OCD: “why did I think that? Did I think that on purpose? Did I enjoy that? What does that mean about me?”

When you feel as though your identity and character is being attacked, it’s very normal to try and defend yourself. Trying to prove the thoughts wrong can actually be a compulsion (compulsions are symptoms of OCD, a response to the anxiety that obsessive thinking causes). It’s called rumination.

Guilt and shame are another big symptom of OCD. These feelings can make it very hard to talk about your struggles and get help, but you deserve help, and you won’t always struggle with this. If you’re continuing to struggle with this, I definitely think it would be worth your time to talk to your doctor about it. You don’t need to talk explicitly about what the thoughts are if that makes you uncomfortable, but you can talk about how these thoughts are affecting you.

In the meantime, I think it would be a good idea to try a coping mechanism when you experience these thoughts. So if you get a thought that says “you liked that thought” you can reply with something like “ahuh, whatever you say sweetie” with as much sarcasm that you can muster! It can feel weird at first but it helps take the power back from these thoughts and make them feel less scary.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me sometime! You can get through this.

[trasheddie]

OCD Crash Course

OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (I have said disorder).

The way my therapist described it to me was like this:

Everyone has intrusive thoughts. For neurotypical people, the thought comes, there is momentary confusion, aka “wtf was that about?”, the thought passes fairly quickly and they move on. 

For people with anxiety disorders, the thought comes, hits a mental wall and gets stuck there. With OCD specifically, the thought refuses to leave until a physical/mental action occurs to wipe it away. If the action doesn’t take place, it causes a disruption of the system, and therefore ends in extreme discomfort and/or a panic attack.

The repeating thought = obsessive component 

The action = compulsive component

The way OCD is portrayed on t.v. is very two dimensional for the most part. It is usually made out to be almost a quirk. Characters who display these tendencies are people who are obsessed with being organized/clean and it doesn’t really extend past that (see Monica Geller from F.R.I.E.N.D.S). While these are real compulsions, they aren’t the only ones that exist.

Many compulsions can be violent/damaging to either a person’s body or life. It is a very time consuming disorder, because you often have to do the compulsion until it “feels right”, which could end up being only twice or it could be twenty-five times. And depending on the action, that could take anywhere between a couple of minutes and a couple of hours. (I personally used to spend forty-five mins washing my hands back when I was first in therapy, and some of my mental compulsions can continue for the entire fucking day).

OCD/anxiety disorders can also include regular ruminating, which is basically just repetitive thoughts. Sometimes these are harmful and scary, and other times they are just really stupid. For example, today I kept repeating the Norwegian word for “just” for the entirety of my trip to Walmart. Other times I have a single line from a song playing as a constant backing track in my brain,(there have been times where a song has been playing in my head before I go to bed, then it continues to play in my dream, and I am still singing it when I wake up). 

Things that need to be cleared up:

1. People with OCD/anxiety disorders know they are being illogical

2. That doesn’t mean they can stop it from happening

3. You can learn to manage it, but it will always kind of be there

4. As frustrating/annoying as it might be for you to be around it when you are neurotypical (which we know it can be), it is ten times more frustrating for us, because we deal with it constantly and we can’t escape it

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 49

I walked in and Lynn was coming out with a pitcher of water. She said that she was going to finish what she was doing but that I could have a C. I sat down and she came back with the water and put it in her diffuser. She left and apologize because her office smelled like chili and she said she had literally just taken her lunch out but that it had obviously smelled up her whole office. I laughed and said it was fine and my nose would adjust in a few minutes but it did smell like chili. She asked how I've been and I said that I was good currently but that I had had a crappy week. She asked what was going on and I started by telling her about the comments from my old nutritionist in an email. To my surprise Lynn got really defensive of me and really visibly mad at the nutritionist for talking down to me. I said that I wasn't sure if I was overreacting or taking it too personally or miss reading it, but Lynn was like no she was definitely talking down to you and being condescending and treating you like a baby and she said that I needed to confront her on that and that she would sit with that and figure out a good response for me LOL because she didn't want her to keep treating me that way. I explained that I had written back and said that in my experience with other providers we typically talk twice a month that way she was aware that I have done this before with other providers so I am not actually new to the field. Lynn said that she thought I handled that perfectly so never mind she wouldn't need to come up with a response for me. I said that I wasn't sure if the nutritionist is even aware that she talks down to people because she used to talk down to me a lot in treatment and that I had brought it up to the treatment team but nothing was ever really done about it and it didn't really change so I'm not sure if that's just how she communicates and she doesn't realize just how condescending she is. Lynn said either way she needs to learn that that's not professional, and As Lynn pointed out whether or not I'm recovered isn't any of her business at this point anyway. She was like if I were to share a client with you at this point, I would never bring up anything from our past treatment. I laughed and was like so you mean you wouldn't talk down to me, and Lynn laughed and was like no I would never do that and it wouldn't be any of my business whether or not you are doing well after leaving because ultimately your contact is to be as professionals. I said that definitely made sense, and I proceeded with my list. 

I told her about the fights that my husband and I had over the weekend and how upset they had made me. I told her about how my husband had reacted and we just kind of talked about what happened and how I was feeling. I also told her about how I was frustrated because I had suggested that my husband taking anxiety medicine since he was super anxious about his interview, but then he didn't do that and it's like I'm trying to be helpful but he doesn't want my help. I don't know. I told her about the kid throwing up at the baseball game and how for the first time I can ever remember, I didn't actually run away or attempt to run away when someone near me threw up. I told her that I definitely still felt anxious and that the girl had it made the sound that makes me anxious, but that it was big progress that I didn't run away. She said that was huge progress and then she went off on this tangent about how she thinks gagging and those sort of gagging noises are more of a dramatic kind of anxiety response because for most people if you are really sick once it happens it happens and you can't really stop it but with the gagging a lot of times you are sort of almost trying to make yourself throw up at that point although not necessarily intentional but that it's a matter of the vomit isn't ready to come out in that second. I told her maybe but I didn't really now. She was like well your brother would gagging gagging stuff and then your parents to be freaking out right? And I was like no not really, he would always have the bag with him because they were always prepared for him throwing up because it was such a common occurrence and they would end up yelling and freaking out at me because I was freaking out. I said I still don't know what it is about the noise itself but something about it makes me really anxious and her perspective was that maybe it had to do with gagging being anxiety provoking because it signifies that someone is going to throw up but who knows. 

I told her about how I randomly had a panic attack at the suicide prevention conference and that it had really caught me offguard because I wasn't expecting it and I was literally just eating lunch and I wasn't able to pinpoint why it happened. She asked me how I had slept the night before and I said I thought I had slept just fine and then I generally sleep pretty well. She asked me about if I have any suicidal client and I explained that I actually have three currently and that one is a pretty serious suicidal person who has a plan and a way to do it and a history of an attempt which is scary and another one who also has a history of attempting and a current client being hospitalized today for suicidality but that the last client happened after the panic attack did. I ended up telling her about the three different clients, including how that last client has the perfect adoptive parents Who literally responded perfectly. She asked me what was going on at the conference and if there was any possibility that the material was triggering me and I was like no I wasn't even paying attention and she was like OK so there's the problem you were avoiding it and surprise surprise he came up in a panic attack and I was like oh OK I guess that does make sense LOL. She was saying that if I avoid the anxiety around suicide then it makes sense that it would come up in a panic attack. She also point out that panic attacks somewhat normal to experience in life. She asked me if I ever had a client commit suicide and I said no and I asked her if she had it happen to her and she said that she had a past client he had committed suicide. She explained that the person had some serious personality disorder issues and OCD but that it's sometimes really challenging to know whether or not somebody will really follow through with suicide. I told her about how my supervisor in graduate school had said that I can basically expect that at least one of my clients or former clients will commit suicide at some point. She said that her client had switched back to her old therapist and that she had committed suicide then and it wasn't predictable at least not to her, but that she said it was really really hard for her and it was the type of scenario that makes her question whether or not she wants to have this job but that ultimately she of course did decide to stay with this job. She said that most of her coworkers had lost a client or a former client as well and that it had helped to talk about it with everyone. She said she can see where being out of suicide event would cause a panic attack though because realistically especially with me avoiding all of it, suicide is essentially the most out of control thing that can happen and ultimately neither me nor my clients families can really prevent someone from doing something like that if they had their mind made up. We were talking about my team client and how she said that there seems to be this comment thread of really successful people who will say they were suicidal as a teenager but then they seem to grow out of it. I pointed out that it would make sense that when you were a teenager the ability to have abstract thought and reasoning and future planning isn't really there, so it would make sense that they are more prone to being impulsive and attempting suicide. I told her that I was suicidal and 12 grade, and outside of telling my friend Amanda that, I don't really think that I've told many people that or anyone else that I can't even think of. But within the context of seemed super normal and Lynn didn't ask any questions LOL.

I told her about how my body image lately has been crap and how my client had made the comment about not wanting to be a size 5 jeans and that that would make her fat and then I got anxious because I'm a size 5 and I was ruminating about thinking I was fat and how I also had a client who always looks skinny to me but that she told me she actually weighed more than me and we are the same height and it made me think that maybe my perception really is just completely off because logically it doesn't make sense that I would be bigger than this client if we are the same height. I told her though how I have been generally just feeling really down for the few days after our session and then I wasn't sure if it was because of what we processed or what, but that on Saturday I had basically just laid in bed and not done anything or even until 5 o'clock. She pointed out that I have tools and skills that I can use and then I need to do them. She pointed out that I am more prone to overthinking than most people, which she laughed and said not most people then some people and I was like no I don't know that people are normally as anxious as I am and obsessively think like this and she was like well looking at the people you work with and I was like yeah but that's not the normal population that's a clinical population and she pointed out that she thinks they are the norm because it is somewhat of a continuum and people who aren't in therapy don't necessarily not struggle with these issues, but that they may have the tools to deal with it or have figured out alternative ways of dealing with it.

So then she rambled about Mindfulness for a few minutes and how she thinks that if I could really master at it would really help with my obsessive thoughts, and that if we all focus more on Mindfulness, there would be less of a need for therapy. She laughed and said that I read the article about the nothing space and I was like yeah. I said it was hard but I laughed and said that ever since she got me into dear Evan Hansen, I have been listening to that Pandora station and I am less prone to obsessively thinking or ruminating about the past if I have Broadway musicals on in the car because I am more inclined to sing-along. She laughed and said how great that was and joked about how she is going to make me a Broadway playlist. She laughed and said that probably wasn't the most orthodox thing for Therapist to do, and I laughed and said to consider it that she is making me a coping skill list and also that narrative therapists are often writing their clients letters to reflect on their progress so it's really not that out of the box. She asked me about the color purple and some other song from that show and also another one that I don't remember but she was saying that they have a kind of blues feel. She said that her daughters favorite soundtrack is waitress and that because of her daughter she has really grown to love Broadway musicals and really appreciates them.  I asked if she had gone to see waitress and she said a few times yes and that it's one of their favorites. She also said that her daughter gets to go see shows a lot because their school option makes it an option to be able to go to shows at discount prices. I laughed and said I guess it's built into the tuition then two and she laughed and said yeah definitely but that her daughter had gotten to see dear Evan Hansen for five dollars.She said just thinking about the color purple gives her chills and that if nothing else I need to go listen to that one. I was like OK I will listen to it.

Lynn said she would count this week as a win because of the lowered anxiety around vomit and I was like eh I wouldn't say that because I didn't really have any say in the matter or it didn't feel like intentional progress. To which she laughed and said so no co from over it and that no one plans to deal with someone throwing up anyway so I could never intentionally plan to cope with that anyway. We scheduled for next session and I paid her. 

[meanwhileinoz]

10+ Misconceptions About Mental Illness Need To Be Cleared Up Right Now

Mental illness is a myriad of conditions that appear in different ways. Moreover, because of the constant misinterpretation of mental illness on social media. Mental illness is often misunderstood.

Therefore, to inspire a more positive discussion on mental illness, here are a few anecdotes to clarify the confusion:

Depression comes with a mask.

I have depression. People don’t believe me because I appear outgoing and gregarious in social situations, but it’s just a large coping mechanism and something I need to do in many cases for client meetings and gatherings and such.

It’s exhausting. I’m drained and many times feel horrible afterward. I wish people knew that just because you appear happy or content on the outside, you can still be the opposite on the inside. Many people with depression go to great lengths to disguise or mask it, which makes it all the more difficult for others to see that there’s something wrong.

– ldn6

The intricacies of Mental health.

Mental Health is a spectrum. It’s extremely unlikely that any one person is 100% Mentally Healthy, and it’s unlikely that they’re the opposite. The  U.S. Department of Health and Human Services estimates only about 17% of adults are in a state of “optimal” mental health.

Just because you may have an issue though, doesn’t mean that you’re spiraling and unhealthy. Much like a physical health issue, a single episode isn’t the end of the world. – (Source)

Dispelling the ADHD myth.

ADHD; it DOES exist, and it’s not just about looking at squirrels outside the window.

And we’re not just seeking stimulants. Many of us hate taking medication because it makes us into zombies that can barely function and choose to deal with the symptoms of the condition rather than take Adderall or any other pills. – willflungpoo & Ketrel

Bipolar disorder needs to be understood better.

Usually when you say ‘I’m bipolar’, you get odd responses from either a) the people that think you are this rabid psycho bouncing off the walls one second and is dangerously suicidal literally the next second or b) the people who think “bipolar” is a normal, quirky personality trait. You know the kind: “you’re bipolar? me too! I’m so damn emotional all the time.”

I simply try to explain it to people as best as I can with a metaphor I came up with once: It’s not a balanced, steady rollercoaster of emotions, that most people experience and enjoy. It’s also not a rollercoaster that does 60 loops in a row, derails and explodes onto the ground below. it’s more of a rollercoaster that goes too high up with a bit too much energy and then gives everybody really bad whiplash when they drop to the bottom of the ride over and over until it’s too much.

The metaphor is kinda dumb at not completely accurate, but it just helps people understand better.

– zapsquad

Mental health and crime do not correlate.

Some people have an inherit fear of others who suffer from a Mental Illness. The media over-sensationalizes the effects of Mental Illness to a point where it seems that crimes are only committed by people who suffer from it.

This is completely untrue, as the American Psychological Association found that only 7.5% of crimes are directly related to Mental Illness.

– (Source)

Depression is not an illusion.

Depression.

“But you don’t have anything to be depressed about, sweetie.”

That’s like saying, ‘But you can’t have asthma! This room is full of air!’

– kernunnos77 & eeyore102

The importance of decreasing stigma.

Mental Health affects everyone. Research estimates that 1 in 5 people experience mental illness in their lives. So even if you aren’t suffering from it, someone you know might be suffering.

This is why it’s so important to decrease a stigma about Mental Health and open up a conversation about it. Everyone will experience the effects of it and the more we are able to understand and communicate about it, the more positive our relationships can be.

– (Source)

Psychologists are really trained professionals.

On the heels of that, it’s important to talk to a medical professional about your mental health instead of just your close family and friends.

Treating Mental Health takes more than just ‘Talking and Listening’ and the techniques that Psychologists use are developed through years of education and training to positively impact their patients.

– (Source)

I think you deserve that rest.

I have severe anxiety. So much so it’s developed into agoraphobia. I stay in my apartment most days, and only really go outside in public accompanied by my safe person. The common misconception is that I’m lazy. I don’t have a life. Because I stay inside all day, most days, and I’m content not leaving. But I do a lot. I draw, I’m learning how to sew, and I try to get out a little more every day but it’s baby steps.

People also think I’m lazy because I sleep a lot. I have regular panic attacks. At least 3 times a day. It’s rather exhausting. My brain feels like it needs rest after having one.

– MetalMaiden420

Misconceptions about Anorexia.

I have anorexia. I think the most common misconception is that it is about being thin. I have honestly never met a person who developed an eating disorder because they wanted to look like some photoshopped model. For us, it’s about perfection and control, it just so happens that thinness is a trait that our society admires, which is why we strive to achieve it. At a certain point, you are intellectually aware that you are not attractive and dying, but this irrational little part of your brain won’t let you eat because you’re still too big. There is no such thing as “small enough”, once the disease takes hold no amount of weight loss can satisfy.

– purpleelephant77

Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness.

For some reason, even with this debilitating stigma that people dealing with Mental Illness face, it’s still seen as weak to look that in the face and say: “I’m going to go to a therapist anyways”. That doesn’t make sense at all.

But for people with Mental Health issues, opening up emotionally is a very trying experience. That’s exactly what happens in therapy, you open up your emotions and face your mind at its worst.

How could that be seen as weak? – (Source)

Yeah, just stop thinking like that.

OCD isn’t about being organized and anal. It can be overwhelming and paralyzing at it’s worst and telling us to “just not have those thoughts” isn’t helpful.

– mycatisawh***

Another great analogy for anxiety.

Anxiety is that unwelcome, creepy stranger at a party that won’t leave you alone.

One thing people don’t get is how debilitating mental illness can be. With anxiety, it isn’t simply just worrying too much about a deadline…that’s stress. Stress is good. Anxiety is bad. Anxiety starts with automatic thoughts that ruminate into something bigger. It’s worrying about things out of your control. I’ve been told more times than I can count to “just quit worrying so much.” I don’t think people realize how much effort I have to put in to getting myself into healthy thought patterns. It is a daily battle to fight off thoughts like “everyone hates me” and “you’ll never amount to anything”, and not let them ruminate to the point where I cancel my day and crawl back into bed. – frazzled_wumbologist

When people think your illness doesn’t even exist.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Easiest way to explain it is that I’m so good at compartmentalizing, the compartments can’t all access each other (work-me can’t access school-me can’t access home-me). And since people are kind of the sum of their experiences, my different ‘mes’ seem different from one another.

Did you know DID affects from 1-5% of the population? That’s the same as depression, schizophrenia, and a host of better know physical illnesses. Did you know that doctors trained in trauma only find the CATALYST for DID to be controversial? In other words, they know it exists, they just don’t know why only some child abuse survivors end up with it. Most people think the existence of DID is controversial when it really isn’t anymore.

And the really bad part is, abuse is always denied, always minimized. To come out from that scarred, with a mental disorder that was, in essence, thrust upon you by others when you were too young to resist, and to then be denied or minimized….there is a reason only my spouse and my therapist know I have this disorder.

– ThrowawayDIDhardenuf

Maybe people are actually sick?

People who really are suffering from a Mental Illness aren’t faking it for the medication. I can’t understand why this is such a permeating thought. Mental Illness is such a debilitating condition and the stigma is so overbearing that it would be completely undesirable to fake it.

These are real medical conditions that are treated by real medicine and real doctors. Ignoring a broken foot and continuing to walk on it won’t let it heal

– (Source)

Misconceptions about Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline personality disorder does not mean I am an axe-wielding homicidal bunny boiling stalker. Never have been.

Therapy helped massively with my emotion regulation and crisis management skills. Also suffer from depression, so life is a constant juggling act and some days are better than others. I’ve been mean, manipulative and suicidal and I self-harmed. The guilt of the way I acted is what usually drives the depression. Many people make the assumption that all borderliners are evil, usually because of bad experiences.

There are bad people with BPD. But there are also good people who want to change their lives for the better.

– Welshgirlie2

Clearing up more misconceptions about OCD.

I have autism & OCD and as soon as people find out, they start making Sheldon Cooper jokes and asking if my pencils not being aligned perfectly on my desk makes me freak out. OCD does not universally equal being a neat-freak, and autism does not universally equal being a socially stunted outcast.

My desk is a disaster and I can function fine in most social settings, but I can’t drink out of a cup without rinsing it out first(even if it just came out of the dishwasher), I pick my bottom lip till it bleeds, I can’t look people in the eye, I add up number sequences(like totals on receipts) till I’m left with a single digit number and if the number isn’t “good” I get uneasy, and I have horrifying intrusive thoughts that replay in my head for sometimes weeks at a time.

The autism isn’t so bad, but the OCD is really bad. It sucks and I wish I didn’t have it.

– Lydious

No one is immune.

Children can suffer from Mental Health problems too. It’s also not just a product of a bad childhood experience or a bad parent. These things just happen to everyday people.

In the UK, 1 in 5 children have been diagnosed with a Mental Health problem, and 1 in 20 teenagers suffer from depression specifically.

– (Source)

A personal account of the stigma people face.

High Functioning schizophrenic. Being close to 40, I’ve lived with the stigma of not being able to be trusted, that it’s just an overactive imagination & that I have more than one person living inside of me since I was a teenager. But mostly it’s the overactive imagination one that really bothers me.

– iwsnvrhr

Stop saying this please.

Having suffered from both Anxiety and Depression, many times I’ve been told to just “snap out of it”, which obviously isn’t possible. I’m not sure people always realize how debilitating these illnesses can be for people.

– Anonymous

Maybe don’t judge people by their medical history?

People with Mental Health concerns can absolutely hold a job. Like we mentioned before, these people aren’t violent or constantly having manic episodes.

In fact, studies have shown that employees with Mental Health issues are just as punctual, motivated, and work at a level on par with or greater than other employees.

Misconceptions about Tourettes.

It really drives me nuts when I say I have Tourettes to someone and they immediately let out a string of swear words.

Yeah no. If you told me you had alcoholism, my immediate reaction wouldn’t be swaying back and forth and slurring my words. Thanks for belittling my issues.

I wish there was more awareness about Tourette’s outside of the Hollywood version of it. It sucks living with constantly twitching, but it sucks telling someone you have it and having them think you have a hilarious malady and making a joke about it. I’m easy going, but for some reason, that really gets under my skin.

– my_Favorite_post

Although, there are some terrible people out there.

PTSD is something that stole certain joys away from me (shooting guns, fireworks, etc.) And it really sucks. To see people fake it and use it to get notoriety and discounts makes me sick to my stomach. I can only trust therapists or doctors with my issues. Not complete strangers.

– nessn12

We’ve been talking a lot about the debilitating effects of Mental Illness, but the truth is it’s not a life sentence. People can recover completely from their Mental Illness with the right help and medication.

Some issues aren’t curable, but they are treatable. Again, with proper medication, it’s entirely possible to live a happy and positive life.

– (Source)

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[pure-o-soft]

hi! i’ve suffered from pure o specifically harm ocd for many years now and my obsessions have always been about hurting a loved one, however now i’m dealing with a very difficult colleague at work that i really despise and the anger and resentment in me really scares me and makes me worry I’m more likely to do a violent thing because I actually really dislike this person. I tried googling this but didn’t find any experiences :/

Hello angel

I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with pure-o for so long. I know it can be frustrating and frightening when you’re looking from that reassurance (from google or another person) and you don’t get it. 

It can be nice to have others to share experiences with. I totally understand the need to feel like you’re not alone and not a monster. OCD can do that to a person. At the same time, it is really good to be aware of you’re compulsions, the behaviours that this anxiety and fear is making you do.

I would love to resolve this fear you have with your colleague, but unfortunately, things aren’t so simple. Even if you get temporary relief from this fear, OCD has a way of coming back if you don’t attack it at it’s roots. What i mean by this, is that compulsions are what keep the obsession going. 

It might be a good idea to write down the compulsions that you do most often, and the situations that you often do them in. Like reassurance seeking, checking, rumination, avoidance, mentally undoing things, confessing, and other rituals that you do when you’re anxious. That way, you can be more aware of them when they happen. They can definitely be hard to recognize sometimes. For many people, it takes the help of a professional before they notice and are able to resist doing these compulsions. Here are some examples of resisting compulsions: you have the urge to google something, but you put your phone away until the urge subsides. You want to avoid your coworker because you’re afraid of either hurting them or the intrusive thoughts that will come up if you see them, but you go up to them and say hello anyways. OCD wants you to reroute your life, put things on hold, pay attention to the anxiety and listen to what these thoughts are telling you. It’s very tempting to do these things and very hard to stop, but you can get there. You can get your life back, and not be afraid of your own two hands. 

You don’t need to do this alone either. I’m not sure if you’ve tried therapy or have spoken to a professional before, but I definitely think that you would find it beneficial and worth your time! There is no problem too big or small that isn’t worth get help for. You deserve it, and you don’t deserve to suffer with this. If you ever want to chat or rant, or if you have any question, please feel free to message me. I’m wishing you all the best