#and idk. theres a lot of queerness in my thought process but

[reality-of-woes]

Best part about shifting is that the people you love are literally like. Specifically predestined by you to end up finding you one way or another. It's like you called out for them over some vast expanse of ocean and they found you because how could they not and honestly?? That's very lovely to me

[phagodyke]

weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

[cannidol]

ahhhm how do u do an intro???

𐔌ྀི　　૮ › ༝ ‹ ྀི)ა ALL ABT BECK !!!

my name is beck!!! i dont rlly label my gender but im pretty fem presenting :p i am a woman, but like… also a boy. a man sometimes. a girl. a swamp creature? i use they/them n im queer. im 16. i probably will mostly post complaining about my freakin uh. health issues. but also im very into fandom so i might post some of that,,.,,

im diagnosed with dysautonomia, hypermobility, general weakness in my legs especially in my hips & ankles. theres probably some other stuff going on there? but im not too worried about it since i can mostly cope rn. those factors combine into chronic leg pain. i also have chronic headaches.,,. i think those r diagnosed?? idk i looked into them years ago and they couldnt figure it out but they were like yeah something is probably going on!

im in the process of being evaluated for adhd and autism! adhd is currently in progress, and i have a referral for autism but there r health insurance issues that wont be able to be resolved until next year 😑😑😑 which is annoying cuz im rly only getting the diagnosis for school,,,. uhhm i also have gad, episodic depression, n dermatillomania

FANDOMS IM IN!!!! UHHHH. ok big fixation rn is one piece. other rly big ones r scp, marvel n creepypasta. and then other fandoms im just generally interested in… would be very long. erm. im too lazy for that rn ill do it later

general interests!!! i will probably go into computer science in the future, so i. have a lot of interest in that. plsss talk to me abt stuff like ai and shit because i have OPINIONS . anyway. i write a little bit, i code a little bit, i draw a teeeeeenny bit cuz i am not very good…. i love love love science, especially quantum physics !!!! ask me about my clock time dilation thought experiment. i LOVE art. all kinds of art. i like history, queer history, cryptozoology, greek mythology, mythology in general, the ocean, and whatever general topic jacob gellers videos fall under. i am fascinated by religion, specifically by the history of and stories or myths from religions. i really like analog horror.

creators i like!!!!! coffeezilla, bdoubleo100, jacob geller, wendigoon, kurtis connor, matt bernstein, sad boyz, funkyfrogbait, hbomberguy, doctor nowhere, d’angelo, smallishbeans, fd signifier, knowing better, drew gooden, danny gonzalez, kwite, and probably more. jesus christ theres like no women there. i need to go read my books on feminissm written by strong women.

im so normal

ꕀꕀꕀꕀꕀꕀꕀꕀꕀꕀꕀꕀ

[jemmo]

For the ask game: 14?

thank you sm for the ask ☺

14. bl you think is underrated

ooh this is a tricky one, bc i can definitely tell you what i think is overrated (but thats not the question...), plus im always gonna think my favourites are underrated bc everyone should love them but i digress. i wanna highlight 3 shows/things bc the first one is a short series and then a movie and thats his. idk if it's bc its a few years old now but when i watched this show and then the film i just adored it. first of all, the show is the perfect kind of chill watch where not really much happens and yet a lot happens?? thats how me and my sister affectionately describe our favourite kind of shows bc they deal in the normal and everyday and manage to make it seem huge and beautiful and this series does that with one of my favourite tropes that i love to see crop up in j-bls which is an escape to the beach (and later the countryside), plus the show has the most awesome and well done early 2000s aesthetic that just fills me with nostalgia. but the film is a whole other thing. it pulls an old fashioned cupcake/cherry magic and gives us adults but unlike them shows us a story that is very grounded and real and serious, like they really said lets take this bl and actually make it a story about parenting and what a family can be and show just how complicated it all is and sometimes there is no winning and thats life. god its just beautiful, and theres still a deep and meaningful love story at the heart of it. just go watch it now if you haven't, or rewatch it if you haven't for a while.

second im picking eien no kinou and im prefacing this by saying i get why less people talk about this bc its not fun and some people dont wanna watch a story they know will be sad, but its also so important that it exists and i think it touches on some really tough topics and manages to tell them beautifully. and bc i havent seen much of what ppl say about this, idk what any consensus takes are but i felt very emotional watching this through the lens of erasure of queer relationships when it comes to loss, how sometimes when people aren't out or cant share their relationship, they become lost, or invisible, when someone is lost. and i mean... the queer experience is all-encompassing and such grief is something that should also be talked about when queerness can affect that process in a specific way, and while i dont think its easy to watch or revisit, its nevertheless important and beautiful

ive talked about some more heavy shows so i'm ending with if its with you, which is recent but even i pushed it to the side a little bc i liked i cannot reach you so much, but this show is kinda like the opposite to the ones above. i feel like people like a middle ground in their shows between drama and comfort, so while people dont talk as much about serious or sad shows, they also dont talk about the shows that are just nice. and this show is just that, bc its all about teaching someone thats had a bad experience that there is simple kindness in the world and its so heart-warming. i'll never forget the way ryuuji responded in that last ep when amane got nervous around the other kids, how he thought it would be this big think that he'd be mad about bc that's what happens in every show, but ryuuji was just like yeah its ok i understand and im not mad. just the pure kindness this show has to people feeling the way they feel is so refreshing and beautiful and it captures the high school simplicity of it all in a way that makes you step back as someone older and think huh yeah it really is just that easy, its just about happiness.

anyway, between this and the last response, i think by j-bl bias is jumping out a bit too much but thats the end of my rant, thank you for coming to my ted talk

❤️🧡💛bl ask game💚💙💜

[matrixwhore]

15 Questions 15 Mutuals

hiiiii 🫶🏾💕

tagged by @medusadeux & @demonicgodarmand 🫂💕✨🥹

1. Are you named after anyone?

i gave myself my current name first, middle and last. but my birth middle name is really special to me and it was after my grandma, and an aunt that passed 🤍

2. When was the last time you cried?

i’m not a big crier. but when i do get into those moments it really all comes out. i think the last time was a week ago or two weeks. idk, time is doing a thing rn. but i was by a lake it was beautiful and i was talking to someone incredible and processing some things. so it was good.

3. Do you have kids?

no, i love kids, but no i dont.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

not often, or at all really. i like really clear communication. sarcasm makes things confusing for me sometimes.

5. What sports do you play/have you played?

i wanted to be a cheerleader. i loved playing volleyball for fun. i had hops for a while, and im tall, so my gym teacher asked me to join the basketball team, but i resented being asked about it all the time so i didnt. the jump i did that got his attention went crazy tho. whole room slowed down and got slient. i think i would have been good at it tho.

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

kindness and if theres an oddness to them. i like odd ppl.

7. What's your eye color?

brown. not the darkest but close.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

both, just depends on what im tryna get into. but rn im fascinated with horror.

9. Any special talents?

singing i suppose. dancing, while i still have my megan knees. and lot of art stuff.

10. Where were you born?

Nairobi, Kenya

11. What are your hobbies?

reading, writing, singing, dancing, drawing, cooking

12. Do you have pets?

yes. this little bean [Korra Lula] is my best friend. i love her so.

13. How tall are you?

5’10” / 177.8 cm

14. Favorite subject in school?

history, english, science, i loved all the gender studies and queer study classes i took too.

15. Dream job?

i want to be a writer. i want it to supplement my life enough that i can just have a simple tasking job like within my community, something local or something and work part time. and i can volunteer to. like thats my ideal situation.

i tag anyone who wants to and you can say it’s me. i hate choosing between y’all. i thought abt all the people i missed for days last time 😭🥺

[ravenlunaticart]

14. Any favorite motifs

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

Ohooh! A triple threat!

14.) Fav motifs are def things I pull into my own stuff so Aesthetically? Moons, halos, Christian imagery, arrows, and fire to name a few. Thematic ones would be queerness and parody, monstrosity and nature being deified. I like taking things seemingly mundane and making them something more. I like taking uncommon subjects and giving them a kind of transcendence cause I think there is something so remarkable about just existing sometimes and is easily forgotten in the day to day. Overly poetic and sappy? Perhaps! Haha

16.) Ohhhh hmm this is interesting cause I will admit I'm fairly critical of most steps of my process so there isn't a lot I honestly believe I'm good at. And even less that I don't enjoy doing 🤔 maybe uh lineart? I don't hate it tbh I often do enjoy it but it's kinda a necessary evil now? I don't think about lineart too hard but I do get a lot of compliments on it as well as my sketches. I do enjoy those things but I guess they become a bit second nature or monotonous haha. Though I could say the same about shading sometimes. Idk adhd, baby I'm easily bored hahaha!!

This piece is a good example in the sense the lineart was a means to an end in the sense that I drew the lineart first then played with it to create the melted effect then redrew it to nail down the lines. This one also has a nice bit of line weight variation which is fun.

20.) Idk if everyone finds it hard but I know a few of my peers really don't like doing realism in anatomy or life studies, which is totally fair! But I adore it. Theres something very satisfying about staring at a reference for a few hrs and trying to draw it with accuracy. I find a lot of inspiration from old school scientific drawing and had thought of studying it as a discipline too for a bit. I was trained in drawing first and it has become a comfort zone for me so I often do it to relax which some of my friends find insane haha! That said I really do just love investing time into a detailed drawing and see it develop. For instance this old moth drawing from 2020 I spent like uhhh 6-8 hours on this. I used a hb mechanical pencil 0.5 and did ever teeny little scale texture abd I loved every second 😅 Good to listen to podcasts too.

[transmascore]

hi, its the same anon who asked about if its possible for sexuality to change. just wanted to thank you firstly for your answer. it really got my gears turning about who i am so thank you

if i could ask another question ....(sorry if its a bother)

is it possible to experience a kind of internalised homophobia but because youre an unrealised transmasc/trans man who is attracted to men?

like, and i know this will sound really weird so i apologize in advance but, whenever i see any mlm content, whether its art or books or movies or pictures or anything that shows two young men being happy and in love, i just feel so.... like.... annoyed? by it??

idk if its an internal sense of denial making me push away thte thought of being masc presenting/transmasc/a trans man and in a happy relationship with another man who sees me as another man but... it happens all the time. and i dont feel this deterance from another other kind of queer media. just mlm.

i have a suspicion that its because im transmasc and have an unacknowledged growing attraction to and desire for men that i just subconsciously refuse to accept because im clinging to lesbianism for dear life and then theres internalised transphobia going "i cant actually be a gay if im transmasc/a trans man" but....

is this an actual thing other people deal with? or am i just strange and need help with that?

thank you (again) (and sorry)

I'm glad that I could help!

And to answer your question: once again, yep! It's extremely common. Internalized transphobia and internalized homophobia are something a LOT of us experience and have to work through bit by bit. It can manifest in different forms. For some it's seeing any representation at all, for others it's situational.

Something I always recommend when it comes to internalized transphobia (and I'd recommend the same for internalized homophobia) is to really immerse yourself in art, writing, poems. To recognize that discomfort and face it head on. But also, take care of yourself? Don't try to speedrun it or overwhelm yourself. Just do a little bit of exposure therapy at a time. And think of it less as "I'm learning to tolerate this" and more of "I want to understand more about myself and who I am as a person."

It also helps, too, to talk about things with other people. It's funny to admit, but I became a lot more comfortable with myself as a trans man after friends and I talked about trans headcanons we had about fictional characters, and we would explore scenarios about these characters and how they would interact with one another. And it wouldn't surprise me if the same process, of talking about fictional characters you like and exploring a relationship between them, might help you to feel more at ease.

Also I think you might benefit from reading these articles about Transmasc Comphet, even if you are also attracted to women, because it goes into more detail about how gender and sexuality can be intertwined and how the way we understand ourselves can change with time.

I wish you luck on your journey of figuring stuff out and I hope that you get to a place where seeing mlm stuff doesn't make you uncomfortable. If I can make a personal recommendation? Our Flag Means Death helped me a lot. It's a pirate comedy show and it also features two MLM romances and one NBLM romance, all of which I feel are handled quite well. And I will say, this show helped me recognize and feel more comfortable in my identity as a gay man.

[ttlmt]

The supernatural thing bugs the hell out of me. Like, they’re really going to give in to a decade of shipping and finally make it canon and then immediately send the guy who just professed his gay love to Ultra Mega Hell while the guy he confessed his love to can barely refrain from calling him a slur? Nobody wanted that.

i have seen a lot of posts similar to this, and while i see the point i honestly didn’t read the scene as that way.

dean is really bad at showing emotions. he just realized everyone is going to die, he had sam at gun point earlier in the episode, like a lot was going on. as a viewer it did feel kind of out of the blue in the moment, but since that whole ‘cas true happiness’ bit got introduced i had a pipe dream it would be this. so here we are, literal death is about to breakdown the door and kill them, and cas does his confession. and honestly i think dean reacted like dean would? like if youre ‘straight’ dean who has difficulty showing emotions and your best friend of 11 years just suddenly confesses he loves you its gonna take a second to process. he was confused, this was sudden, he had no time to react, and then cas is just gone. and i think the part thats really telling is afterwards when he just fucking breaks. theres not a lot of times we see dean break. so idk how dean feels tbh, and maybe its the fact that i’ve been here for ten fucking years of my life but i think that was the break of someone who realized fuck my best friend is in love with me i thought i was straight but fuck maybe i love him too but now hes gone.

now on to sending gays to hell. again without context thats what it looks like but like this was cas’s moment of true happiness. god himself and plenty of other divine people have even made talked about how cas is in love with dean. like besides the occasional snide comment and bad joke from 2010, the show has never indicated that gay people go to hell (i actually feel like theyve said the opposite but im not looking for quotes rn). and dean, if he was homophobic, hasnt shown it in years. literally the episode before hes talking with charlie about her girlfriend. dean has grown a lot as a person. so again i think his reaction was purely just the shock of the situation.

now the kills your gays situation is a dick move. and im pissed about it. but also like they told us cas was gonna die after his moment of true happiness, and thats what happened, so it wasnt exactly a surprise in that sense. but i will form a proper opinion when the show is over cause stupid me still has hope. eileen is also supposedly super gone, destroyed by god, but i cant see them ending the show with just sam and dean (and possibly jack? Idk) alone. like that has zero growth in it. they wanted their whole lives to be out of this shit and for it to be over and all the reasons they wanted to be out of it to be gone like thats an awful ending. i guess i wouldnt put it past them but like again stupid me with the hope.

i am also not sure about jensen’s feeling about the situation, because he has not been very positive in the past and idk his opinion about things so that might have played a role, but he played the breakdown really well and very dean in my opinion and misha’s performance was great.

obviously, i could be wrong. i could be reading into it and putting too much faith in actual good storytelling. i’m also aware of the connations of everything you said, with the kill your gays and the hell and deans reaction, without context. and yes i think it could have been done better. i think a lot of the jokes are being made out of context, and they might be warranted, but again stupid me with the hope that the way that i read the scene before i checked tumblr was real.

anyway, people are having fun. yes the ship was bad and was a lot of queerbaiting and a lot of fetishization from a lot of people. but it was also important to a lot of queer people like me. supernatural is still important to a lot of queer people like me. its a found family show. people are just having fun, and outside-supernatural-tumblr got involved for better or worse. and the whole world situation is happening at the same time.

edit: this is not to discredit the queer fans of the show who are mad. they have every right to be mad. and this is not to forgive the writers for what they have done. they have been awful about this for years. this is just my opinion as a fan of the show. for me, it was exciting and i couldnt believe what had just happened. as a fan of this show for nearly ten years and fan of this ship since the beginning, i just didnt see it in the negative way a lot of people did.

[bi-lesbian]

i think i may possibly be a bi lesbian, but im pretty confused. i used to identify as a nonbinary lesbian, and i was 100 percent not supportive of mspec lesbians. i had an account and was friends w lesbians who also disliked mspec lesbians. im inactive on the acc now, and i identify as possibly bi/pan. i feel fake, since i have a major crush on a boy atm. im also nonbinary, possibly genderfluid, but im afab and female presenting (and p much okay with being that way). any advice??? idk.

you should use whatever labeling feels right for you! theres no "being fake" when it comes to queer identities, and ive never liked that sorta thing pushed by exclusionistic people, bc it just makes the questioning process/changing labels very stressful :O so try to get that sorta thought outta your head! trust your feelings, got to live and learn!

(fjkdjf sorry ! im absolute sonic trash and had an overwhelming need to put the escape from the city lyrics when i typed "trust your feelings" gkdjgk BACK to being serious-)

only you know what your feelings are, so only you can decide what feels accurate for yourself. and if youre unsure on your feelings/are questioning? then just use what feels best for now! use multiple labels! switch between several labels! use vague ones! super overly specific ones! whatever floats your boat!

since it sounds like you were in a more exclusionary environment, its important to just try to get in the thought of feeling anxious about questioning or changing labels out of your mind. exploring labels and your identity is supposed to be solely your business, we are all complex and forever changing beings, you shouldnt be made to feel stressed over a natural and common human experience!

its okay to question. its okay to be unsure. its okay to change, to be complex, to be fluid- aka, to be human. its even okay to have exceptions to your identity, if thats something you are worried about as well. exceptions are common in our lives- doesnt apply to everyone, but applies to some!

if you are thinking about using bi lesbian because you have very rare attraction to men (like homoflexible), are questioning whether youre bi or lesbian, or other things, thats really valid! you should use what feels best and right for you in the moment! and if you decide later youd rather use something else thats valid too! just let yourself feel open to exploring yourself and your labels! also you can check out my #explanation tag to see if your feelings feel reminiscent to things others have said for why they use the label, if you think thatd help!

and since it seems youre more accepting of mspec lesbians now, im glad to hear that :D! thank you for being more open to accepting the labels!! and also- female-presenting nb/genderfluid afab solidarity ! you are HELLA valid!! theres no right way to be nonbinary, and theres a lot of nonbinary genders! you dont need to strictly present anything But your assigned gender to be nonbinary- theres no need to present only in certain ways for any genders! i hope all of this helps at all ♡!!

[flockofdoves]

I totally get ur post in re Gerard and labels but as someone who is neither cis nor het, is it wrong for me to wish they were less subtle about it? Like I wish there was a resounding "heck yeah" when "is Gerard queer/w.e" came up and not a "well they demonstrated attraction to men and attachment to the female gender but they'd rather not label themself so....." Like. There's nothing not queer about saying you don't wanna label urself but I also can't call it queer :(? IDK if I'm making any sense

i get what you mean! i feel similarly sometimes

i think its a complicated thing with like. what is it that motivates some lgbt people to label themselves or not in various ways. i don’t want to be invasive and say people Have to label themselves a certain way because i know its frustrating when people do similar to me. its inherently tricky to navigate lgbt identity in this patriarchal world because literally lgbt identity derives from not conforming to the constructs of gender patriarchy uses to perpetuate itself, so we’re in a weird place of having to navigate our lives and how we describe ourselves and are perceived by others within that same system that can’t give us any real space to begin with.

so with that in mind, even if i personally have somewhat found solace in certain specific labels for gender/sexuality for myself, i really can sympathize with how a common trend for many people is to just not even bother with that.

but then also of course there can be other factors to why people choose to do that, like internalized homophobia/transphobia/biphobia/etc, or using it as a stepping stone for testing out waters before being comfortably open about anything more specific.

and i think a lot of times multiple of those factors can exist at once (not just talking about people who don’t use labels, but the reasoning any one lgbt person navigates their identity any specific way) and thats not even to say people should dissect all that, sometimes nothings really gonna be satisfactory, but one compromise is more appealing/comfortable/safe to live with compared to other ways of navigating stuff.

so with that in mind i always think like, i can’t claim to know whats best for other people but at the same time of course theres been plenty of people throughout my personal life i’ve gotten the sense were lgbt and maybe could benefit from being more overtly aware of it or challenging certain internalized notions they had.

gerard is a celebrity i don’t know personally at all, so its a bit different (although i guess i don’t have access to extensive interviews and live footage of people in my daily life lol. so its a different set of things to get intuition from) and what i tend to think is like. i respect that they are a grown adult further along in life than me and who obviously knows themself better than any fan does. i get the sense they probably at this point in their life have more of a grasp on their own gender/sexuality stuff then they’ve let on publicly (whether that means using more explicit labels or just articulating it more abstractly) i don’t want to disrespect what i see as them expressing publicly stuff they’ve clearly put thought into (they’ve stated they don’t even like labels in other contexts, so i don’t think its entirely fair to chalk it up just to being evasive about lgbt stuff) but also i think its a pretty normal thing for lgbt people empathizing with fellow people they perceive as lgbt (whether that be peers or celebrities) to speculate beyond the surface. i think its fair to speculate that with various things theyve said and done that maybe they will open up further someday (like saying

or how the way they used to go about certain things even if they were comfortable expressing gender/sexuality related stuff in certain ways/contexts, some of it was through a lens that demonstrated some internalized stuff (like for ex. the whole concept of prison) so maybe even if thats not the only or even main reason they don’t label themself, processing that (ofc they might have already! i don’t know them. they def have in some ways comparing recent statements wrt gender vs early interviews mentioning it) could change how they go about stuff publicly)

but yeah, i’m bad at saying things briefly, but i don’t think you’re wrong to wish that they’d be more explicit about it sometimes, or to speculate that someday they might be more open about certain stuff. i feel similarly a lot. basically like. if they’re satisfied where they are now then i’m happy for them. i can’t know one way or the other what their inner life or wishes/comfort with this stuff really is and am not gonna pretend i know whats best for them, but i do know speaking as a fan, it would make me really happy to see them as a celebrity i looked up to in part as a gender/sexuality role model back when i was a tween be more open about it in a way that people would have a hard time denying. they don’t owe that to me of course, that might not be what they ever want to do, but i think its fair to say it could be a possibility, and its okay to be interested in that prospect.

edit: also ftr i think its fine to refer to them as lgbt, thats more of a general classification than a personal label. and even like. casually referring to them as like. ‘functionally bi’ or nonbinary i dont think would be a big deal unless they some day became vocally against that. bisexuality specifically has an interesting history with its use as a term to describe anyone whos actively attracted to any gender vs many people who technically fit those qualifications preferring to personally express that in different terms but not necessarily having that mean they want to distance themselves from bisexual communities/discussions/etc

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride 

[sundrenched-smilez]

odd numbers for the lesbian asks! (if it's too many just do every 4th one maybe?)

1. Femme or butch? 

for type, im vry easily wooed by butches tbh

as for myself, im genderfluid + heavily lean towards butch-ish for one gender + have been gettin more comf w that term for myself. the 3 genders i switch between, ive described as sharp, dainty and tired, for reason of not really being comf w gender labels aside from nonbinary. sharp/tired r kinda butchish, moreso sharp. like leather jackets, ripped jeans, dress pants/shirts, defs flannels (which r a given for any mood im in tbh) while tired is like mb softer, more focused on flannels + loose tank tops/shirts, shorts + certain skirts, comfy clothes, and the like   

ive found that i’m leaning more towards butch lately too, like i’ve been a lot more comfortable with pants and a nice top than i have w dresses or most skirts + im wondering if i was just hanging on to femininity for sake of society, so those r things 2 think abt. i still feel comf in them sometimes, but it’s getting much less often. gender’s weird, i still cant cling to one bc of how pressuring that is so genderfluidity is still smth for me + it shifting to different percentages is okay (im thinking out loud @ this point, but its helping so i hope its interesting to read)

3. Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

both, but primarily flannels/plaid buttion-ups

5. Describe your aesthetic

aaahh theres a lot of diff aesthetics i could go into, but i have a tag if ur interested in a visual representation? basically, cosy homes, forests, wooden steps and bridges, cats, girls/nbs, water, plants, and old video game stuff, and clouds/skies. i’m sure there’s more in there, but for a good rule of thumb !! as for like dressing aesthetic, i like to look rly gay + attractive and a lil showy? like my shorts r Short and i love crop tops + a lot of my shirts show my bra thru them, + i like showing it when i can, like sports bra + a tank top is a fav look of mine bc i can make it look like my bra is a trim on the shirt + it’s cute. i’ve been wearing dresses less often, but occasionally, i like to rock one. id love a pair of combat boots but i have like size 11/12 feet + most stores dont carry that size + im hesitant to buy some online. 

7. Favorite pair of shoes?

its rly hard to find any, i have like walmart converse knockoffs atm + theyre a beige/grey color im not that huge on, it kinda reminds me of sandalwood but depressed

9. Any haircut goals for the future? 

there was the undercut!! and i have that down now c: next step is to dye it blue and mb some purple. i wanna bleach it if i’m gonna dye it, but im hesitant to do that bc of how damaging it is, but since my hair’s been cut a cpl time almost all the color is out now, so i think itll b ok if i take good care of it. 

11. Describe the worst date you’ve been on

i went to a cafe w someone (i think they were nb but i cant remember, it was like 2 yrs ago about ) and they were impossible to talk to bc they just kept saying “im awkward sorry” @ everything and like any conversations i tried to maintain were all one-shot responses, and like that was a lil frustrating. like i dont hold it against them or anything, more in a sense of i was rly tryin 2 carry it and just couldnt 

13. If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

whooh i wish i was taken, i need affection + to b cute w someone 

15. Describe your dream wedding

hmmmm i havent thought much about it !! i know when i was younger i wanted to wear a black wedding dress but now im thinkin mb a suit that switches to dress @ the bottom?? that could b cool. I’d be happy w anything tbh, if im getting married, i’d just b happy to be w my wife/spouse. mb somewhere in a forest or on a boat would b cool, defs lots of good food and colorful flowers. I’d like a lot of color, most weddings ive been to are just b/w and bland for my taste (they’ve also all been straight tho so theres that.) it’s kind of wild to think that i might b married someday, but it’d b rly nice. i just haven’t thought much abt the planning of one. it’d b rly gay tho, probs give out tiny gay flags at each seat, and the cake could b lesbian flag colors. im rly drawing a blank on this, but i know id want all my friends around the country + world to be there. 

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

i definitely want to live in a port town at some point !! idk where i’d like to settle down, ideally somewhere that doesnt get much hotter than 90 degrees + has lots of parks + is big enough for some events, like pride stuff, little festivals, a farmer’s market, and places to do things, such as a movie theater, bowling alley, mb an aquarium, if not one in a nearby town. hiking trails r also good. 

19. Favorite lesbian novel/story?

on a sunbeam!!! its a huge inspiration for me, and i love it so much. it always puts me in such a good mindset when i read it, and the artist is my age, so it makes me feel like I can also accomplish great things if i rly put my heart into it!! which is such a good feeling, and it has great representation + characters that i love, and its rly gay, and in space and theres ships shaped like fish + its gorgeous : D i could go on for hrs abt it + how important it is to me. theres an nb character too, and like the aspect of found families is one that rly hits home and it helped me get thru a rough time of my life + better accept myself as queer/gay. 

21. Favorite lesbian musician?

adult mom (tho i think they’re bi but still gay), or hayley kiyoko

23. Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i think so, but i can’t place when, it’s been a bit. 

25. Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

talking abt being gay w other girls/nbs is lovely and cathartic, i never got to growing up bc i lived in a homophobic town + i was like dealing heavily with internalized homophobia and body/gender dysphoria so i was ace for a bit. talking more abt like sexual attraction + aesthetic attraction is new to me, and that’s been a process to get to, but it’s nice that I can now do so w/o being belittled or barraged by insult. i also just love the thought of being w someone, and daydreaming abt when that happens is really nice. also,, girls + nbs r a blessing and brighten my day and im so glad im attracted 2 them 

27. Turn ons?

absolutely communication, that’s a need. i had a bad experience w someone bc she wasn’t communicative at all, and failed to tell me that we weren’t dating despite us going on several dates + kissing??? like i wont go too into it, but hatchi matchi it was a mess. so yeah, communication, affection, and like reassurance that they actually want to be with me, and that my presence is wanted and enjoyed. I got a lot of “i dont care”s for answers last sort-of relationship, and that was rly discouraging. another turn on is for them to initiate talking and things, like holding hands or planning to hang out + such. consent is another big one. 

29. Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

i usually tend to ask them out, but im still dealing w internalized junk, so its difficult. i also havent any situations in which they liked me back, which is frustrating. like i got lead on earlier summer for abt a month until i asked what we were doing + didnt rly get an answer, and it was this whole mess. i generally try to make the first move tho, bc i know firsthand how difficult it is, but that being said, it’s still hard for me to know for sure if theyre interested + i dont wanna make things uncomf w them, so i’ll wait until i think there might b attraction. that being said, once that’s all out of the way, i like to consider myself a good flirt when im trying. 

31. Talk about your interests or hobbies!

i have lots of interests!! im obsessed w steven universe, its my fav show (and if u ever have time, we should totally watch it together sometime, i rly think you’d love it, it’s super gay + heartwarming.) i really love playing music and learning new songs, which im rly great at memorizing. talking to friends + gettin 2 know them better is always nice and fun. i like to draw new things + see the different ways ppl draw, so seeing art on here is always fun for me. i’m also rly into polygon videos (it’s a youtube channel, not like videos abt polygon haha) and this podcast called the adventure zone. season one just ended, so i might start listening to another one called friends at the table. i rly wanna start a podcast w someone, but can never find anyone to start it with. idk what I’d talk abt but if i could find a partner for it, i think it’d be a lot of fun. mb smth abt games or books/queer representation in media. doing a dnd podcast would also b rly fun, but a lot of work + editing so mb later down the road !! im blanking on other interests atm, but animations and cartoons r lovely and i aim to make something in that field one day, if not just a comic.

my hobbies r mostlyyyy drawing, dnd things now every thursday, hanging w my friends, playing video games, sometimes writing (i rly wanna start a comic, and im tryin to get my butt into gear on it), goin to parks, listening to music, and goin 2 events w roe + cesar, two of my friends. sometimes ill play music!! i need to get more than the keyboard i’m lending, but i love performing. ill also watch leg birds on youtube, theyre a lesbian couple that plays gams + theyre rly sweet. 

33. Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

its easy for me to love friends, doesnt usu take me more than a few months of knowing them if were talking a lot. as for falling in love, that takes me a lot longer. ive never rly been in love w someone. i thought i was once, but rly it was just my first gay experience w someone and i wanted it to be perfect so i projected a lot of things + made it better than it seemed to myself for the duration of it, which wasn’t healthy, so i wanna avoid doing that again, + take things slower next time. or at least for what they are. 

35. Ever fallen for a straight girl?

a few times, they were just crushes tho, so it wasnt too too bad

37. Favorite comfort food?

hot cocoa or tea. as for food food, i dont think i have one. mb french toast or cinnamon rolls. 

39. Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

i used to be a vegetarian!! for like a yr, but it was difficult for me to eat and feel full, and i was pretty underweight, so i stopped. 

41. Early-riser or night-owl?

both, i tend to stay up, but getting up early can be nice if i dont have to do anything. like just gently waking + making some tea and a nice breakfast + sittin around for a bit. 

43. What is your Myers-Briggs type?

enfp-a 

45. At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

i think like 16-17? it took me a bit to get words for identity, like lesbian/nonbinary and the like, but i always knew, like id call myself an individual as opposed to gendered terms that i was referred to, and always felt rly yucky w deadname + the wrong pronouns

47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

ive got one crush atm !! and another person who seems nice, but i wanna hang out w before like thinking abt a crush (im poly, which perhaps goes w/o saying, but i always like to state it when talking abt these things, jic )

49. Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

i’d like a partner or two, to get some bongos- i got to play some a couple weeks ago, and it was the most fun i’ve had playing anything!! having smth with an instant response that i could make up rhythms with was really rewarding and so much fun. i know i want a cat at some point, to go on cute dates + cuddle and kiss a lot w someone, to visit my friends in other places, dye my hair, get a better job, to travel a bit, make a comic, go to college for animation and storyboarding, mb go to camp at some point, and I’d like to make some more friends here, i’m already making some, which i’m super happy about, but it’s always nice meeting new ppl 

thank u for asking!! this was relaxing + fun, and a lot of the topics were cathartic to talk about, and i needed it. so thanks for listening too kinda

also im queen of commas, i’ve discovered while typing this