#and just focusing on the attention and good stuff
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‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ . ₊๋˚˖𓍢ִ໋🦢˚ ‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋
Let's get you home, detective.
Note: mentions of alcohol, getting drunk, confrontations, slow burn but not really?, angst if you squint, tension, sapphic stuff ykwim, jealousy.(!!??), misunderstandings.
Pairings: Alexandra Cabot × detective reader
.𖥔 ݁ ˖𖦹⭒°。⋆
“You are under arrest for the rape of Kendall MacKenzie, you have the right to remain silent and to refuse any questions. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you....”
“Great job out there, you've really outdone yourself for a rookie.” well that was something you didn't expect, especially coming from the captain himself. Even the others praised you, and it made your stomach feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Being a rookie meant that you were prone to criticism, which meant that everything you did was monitored. Especially your job now in the Special Victims Unit police department (SVU) was no joke. It takes a lot to have the guts to work in there, good thing for you, you were not one to back out so easily.
As of now, you've already tracked down the suspect after days of trying to pin which one of them raped the poor girl. You were alongside munch and tutuola, which meant that you were always in between their daily banter and side comments. It was amusing, really. But most days, you prefer working alongside elliot and olivia. But that also meant feeling like you were third wheeling, which made you feel like you didn't belong anywhere. Still, that didn't stop you from tracking them all down alongside them. You were adjusting quite well, surprisingly you still haven't vomited from extreme nausea and punched someone in the face for being a straight up asshole.
...
Busy monday, tons of evidences yet still not enough to send that man to court. Everyone was getting frustrated, especially you. You were so focused on going over your papers over and over again, trying to see if you missed something small that can potentially help you make sense of it all that you didn't even realize someone was standing behind your back, talking to detective benson and stabler. You jumped from your chair, immediately flipping through the pages as you ran to olivia's side, pointing at every possible thing they missed during the investigation. Explaining in great detail on how you connected every clues and minor details, leading to you rummaging through your desk for more information. It was all finally adding up, you were so close.
“That's a good observation you have there” she paused, “I'm afraid we haven't met yet. I'm Alex Cabot, a pleasure to meet you.” introducing herself, she extended her hands to shake yours. While you were in a daze, just staring at her like a lovestruck fool, causing you to stammer. The papers and your pen falling on the floor from nervousness as you mentally cursed yourself as you picked up your things from the floor. Alex also crouched down, helping you as you introduced yourself, still stuttering. Olivia side eyed you, asking what was that all about when Alex was whisked away by Elliot and Cragen for a talk.
“No, I should be the one asking. What was that? That's Alex?” you asked in disbelief, you've only heard whispers about the ADA but you've never met her in person, that was, until today. Olivia has never seen you act this way, that's when it finally clicked.
“Please don't tell me you like Cabot.”
“I mean-” she cut you off “I'm not hearing you out, kid.”
“Oh come on!”
“You cannot be serious—”
“Oh you're one to talk” you interrupted, then gulped when she gave you a disapproving look. You felt like you were walking on thin ice, so you dropped it.
...
You're in awe while watching Alex in action, feeling massively intimidated by the older woman. Her voice alone, sent shivers down your spine while you paid attention intently on how she delivered the case.
“The defendant was charged with heinous crimes, the murder victim was seven weeks pregnant.”
“Objection!” a loud bang echoed in the court room, making you slightly wince.
“That was a nice try, counselor. Don't do it again.”
“My apologies.” alex replied sheepishly
...
Months have passed and still, you haven't made your move yet with her. Many have tried pursuading you but you've always avoided Alex like the plague. Something about that woman was making you stammer all over your words, so you decided it was best to keep your distance. But the latter seemed to take that you just generally disliked her, enough to keep your distance and put a wall in between you both before you even got too close. Of course at first alex went out of her way to befriend you, but realizing that no matter what she does, you would always end up avoiding her. She tried asking what was wrong, but you gave her no straight answers. Elliot watched as you fumbled over alex, he and olivia knew better than anyone, and by that I mean they know that you liked alex. It was painful to watch, to say the least. The amount of headache you've put them through, stressing them out just because you're too much of a coward to confess.
“Why do I do this? I always mess up, now she thinks I don't want to be her friend.” you pouted as you took a sip of your drink, it was a long exhausting day from work as usual. It was stabler's treat, just you and him. You reminded him so much of his daughter, and you needed a friend. Only, you suck at making friends so you just whisk off any parental figure you see to rant your heart out over some woman that you can't seem to get out of your mind.
“I really don't understand how you expect anything to happen when you ignore her” he started, then shook his head in a disapproving manner when you started to sniffle quietly.
“I'm scared, okay?” you tried to reason out
“Kid, you've handled crimes harder than this. Confrontation with cabot surely wouldn't kill you.” he said, taking a sip of his beer.
“But what if I mess up?” you said weakly, your eyes glassy from crying.
“You won't.”
...
You really didn't have any choice, not even a week later and you're whisked off to interrogate a suspect alongside cabot. Cragen specifically tasked you to stay by her side and when you tried to protest, that's when he changed his mind about letting olivia and elliot come with you. So now you're stuck with Alex, and you didn't know what to do other than fumble over the hem of your sweater. It was awkward at first, neither one of you spoke to one another, that was until Alex initiated first. You really didn't want to be rude so you tried to talk and keep your composure intact for your sake. It was by far the longest conversation you've had with her, and since then, you both went out of your ways to make small talks whenever you can.
The squad seemed impressed with the progress you had, and you were also quite proud of yourself for not being as nervous and cowardice before. That was, until you saw Alex with a man at a restaurant, where you were invited by your college close friend for dinner to catch up. The whole evening, you could barely focus on your conversation with your friend, you were practically fuming at this point. The way he held her hands, the sound of alex's laugh and her smile. It looked more genuine than when she was with you. And that hurt you deeply, and your friend seemed to notice the change in your demeanor so your dinner was cut shortly when he offered to take you out to get some ice cream. You agreed and you both exited the restaurant once he paid for everything.
Alex watched as you exited the restaurant with a man, holding you by your waist and guiding you out. Her heart felt heavy at the sight, almost forgetting that she was on a date with a guy. Now it felt so wrong to entertain him, alex felt sorry for using the guy, but she can't seriously let herself fall for the younger detective.
...
There it was again, and everyone seemed to notice it. Another growing tension between alex and the stubborn young detective, just when everyone thought things were going well, they were now back to avoiding each other like the plague. Olivia tried talking you through it, but you shut her out. It was a jerk move, yes, but olivia understood where you were coming from. So she dropped it, knowing that it was best to leave you to it. After all, you insisted that you're old enough to handle this.
But it also greatly affected your performance at work, you've grown more impatient than ever and whenever someone pokes you too much, you explode and storm out of there. You can barely focus anymore, but you're trying your best to maintain everything in control. It was painful to watch you go through this, benson, stabler, munch, tutuola and cragen. It didn't take long enough for them to figure out why you were acting this way. You're not even surprised anymore when you got called up in cragen's office by the end of the day.
“What's with you, detective.” he started off while you looked at the ground, feeling guilty for how you've been acting lately.
“I'm sorry..” your voice cracked, choosing not to answer his question. Apologizing instead, after all, it was your fault for letting your feelings consume you whole.
“Look kid, I understand that you might be going through something serious, but what's happening? It has to be something big that you're letting it get to you.” you couldn't answer him, it sounded too childish to admit why you acted this way.
“It won't happen again, sir.” you closed your eyes, feeling like you're getting scolded by your father for misbehaving.
“I'm not mad, if there's anything you need, don't hesitate to come to me. Take care of yourself kiddo. You're free to go.” you silently thanked him as you exited the room, bumping into someone.
“Oh I am so sorry—” you began, only to cut your sentence short when you realize it was alex, standing close to you. You cleared your throat, as stepped away. She didn't even spare a single glance at you as she entered cragen's office.
...
Alex wouldn't mind falling in love with you, if it didn't mean being in love with a girl.
You wouldn't mind falling in love with a girl, if it didn't mean falling in love with alex.
...
You visited Alex's office, alongside munch and tutuola to discuss something. You barely spoke a whisper, not even a sound came out of you, when asked, you would just nod or reply non verbally. The amount of times you caught alex's intense gaze at you, was more than you could count. Or at least her eyes never left yours the minute you stepped foot inside her office. When it was time to head out, you were the first one to leave but was stopped when munch told you to stay back. They'll just get something and will be back in at least 15 minutes, you were about to protest but they didn't give you a chance, they were already out. You stood in the corner, refusing to acknowledge Alex's presence. Her telephone rang, as she got up and approached to answer it.
“Alexandra Cabot” she answered, then her face lit up when she recognized the voice, belonging to her guy friend. It wasn't your intention to eavesdrop, but alex seemed excited talking to him. The sight alone was enough to pierce your heart, lucky for you, munch came back just in time to pick you up.
...
“You didn't tell me she was invited too.” you mumbled, gulping as you watched Alex from afar, talking to cragen about something. You scoffed when you heard elliot chuckle, having the urge to elbow his face for finding this amusing.
“Does that bother you?”
“You know damn well it does.” you murmured, drinking your cheap beer.
“Snappy.”
...
You were now left alone in the bar, while the others chatted in the corner. A guy approached you, while Alex watched from a distance. She overheard you refusing the man's offer to buy you a drink, standing up from your stool as you tried to wobble away from the man. You were evidently drunk, but the stranger was persistent. Before he could even grab you, someone already did, holding your waist protectively as they put themselves in between you and the man harassing you.
“Get out of my way, woman—” he tried to snatch you away when alex slapped his hand away and kept you close to her.
“I suggest you get out of my face before I put you behind bars.” alex calmly stated, holding you close as you rested your head on her neck, mumbling something incoherent.
“And who are you to tell me what to do, you little—”
“Her girlfriend, now if you may excuse me, don't ever come near her ever again.” she snapped at him before pulling you gently away from the bar, going straight to your colleagues as she offered to take you home.
You protested incoherently, you were talking nonsense at this point as you tried to identify who was this woman holding you close.
“Who are you?” hiccup.
“It's alex” she gently murmured against your ear as she led you out of that place.
“My alex or other alex?” she laughed at that, shaking her head as you addressed her as 'your alex'. Or is it her?
“Well how many alex do you know?” amused, she asked the younger detective.
“Only you” you shrugged.
“Let's get you home, detective.”
...
Fortunately, you were sober enough to inform her your address. Which led her to driving you to a dark and dirty alley, which looked very unsuitable for any woman to walk on, it was so dark that she doesn't know how you manage to go home safely in this alleyway. Once you arrived, alex saw a few gang members outside the building, as she immediately turned her car back around and drove to her house instead.
“Absolutely not.” alex muttered under her breath, there was no way in hell was she going to let you stay in your apartment knowing that those men were lurking outside the building, not to mention at an ungodly hour considering it was 1 am.
“Hey, this is not the way to my apartment.” you sulked, as alex rolled her eyes. Of course it wasn't, she was not going to let you step foot inside that building after what she saw.
“I know, we're heading back to my place.” good thing alex stayed sober.
“At least take me out to dinner first, miss cabot.” you scoffed, not noticing how alex blushed from your absentminded words. Still, she didn't comment on it.
...
You can't really recall what happened, but you somehow found yourself in Alex's guest bedroom, in her pajamas, wrapped under her blankets, inside her own home. You walked down the stairs, only to find alex with her hair up in an apron, cooking breakfast. She glanced up, her pair of blue eyes, staring directly at you as she smiled softly.
“Good morning, how do you feel?” she asked as she opened one of her cabinets and grabbed painkillers for you to drink, as you slowly approached her in the kitchen, sitting on one of the stools.
“Like I just got hit by a thousand bus.” you managed to croak out, good thing you brushed your teeth using the spare toothbrush she left for you upstairs. She chuckled at your antics, placing the painkillers in front of you, as well as a glass of water.
“That's what you get for drinking too much” alex said in amusement as she watched as you drank the pills, groaning at your headache. Plating your food, she sat next to you, turning your head to face her.
“Can you eat?” she asked, her voice gentle as she cupped your cheeks. You nodded, accepting the plate of food from her.
...
After eating, you're both silently looking at each other. The plates long forgotten on the table, her blue eyes scanning over your facial features, wondering how could someone be as angelic as the younger detective in front of her.
“Why do you hate me?” that question caught you off guard, your eyes widening. Her voice sounded weak and defeated, almost as if she was in pain, the thought alone, sent shivers down your spine.
“What? I don't hate you, alex. Who told you that?”
“No one did, it's just that..” she paused, then sighed. “Why are you avoiding me? Have I done something wrong?” she asked.
“No, you didn't do anything wrong.”
“Then why are you avoiding me? Why do you always run away from me? I can't understand you, one moment we're okay, and then the next second I get too close, you run away from me!” she snapped.
“Alex-”
“Why are you treating me like this?” her voice cracked, her eyes slowly becoming glassy.
You gulped, not knowing what to say. For as long as you can remember, you've always thought that alex couldn't care less if you ignored her, that it didn't hurt her one bit, but seeing her like this. It felt like a stab to your heart.
“That day at the restaurant, I saw you with a guy.” taking a deep breath, you paused. Then continued. “It broke my heart, alex. I saw the way he held your hands and how he made you laugh, I wanted it to be me.” you sniffled.
“I always thought I was out of your league” you let out a dry chuckle. “Is it selfish of me to admit that I'm jealous? Why couldn't it have been me? But then I figured, maybe you didn't like me that way so I distanced myself. Do you know how hard it was to watch your smile? Knowing that another man is making you happy, while I stepped back because I'm too much of a coward to admit that I have fallen for you. Can you believe it alex?” choking on a sob, you tried to contain your emotions as you wiped away your tears.
“I'm not a very religious person, but God, I dropped to my knees and prayed. I asked him why he was doing this to me and why does love come easy for other people, but when it comes to me, it felt like sin. I can feel my skin burning with every cry that I let out, this guilt is eating me inside and I don't know how to feel about it.”
“I like you, alex. No, I love you. And that's what hurts the most, because—” before she could finish her sentence, alex kissed her. Effectively shutting her up, her tears coming to abrupt, the kiss almost desperate as you closed your eyes and kissed back.
Pulling away felt like such a crime, but you had to eventually. Resting against each other's forehead as you both tried to catch your breath after kissing so intensely. Then alex chuckled, trapping you in her arms as she pressed a soft, tender kiss on your cheeks.
“Idiot, I love you more.”
#wlw#wuh luh wuh#alex cabot x reader#alexandra cabot#alex cabot#law and order special victims unit#olivia benson#john munch#fin tutuola#donald cragen#elliot stabler#drunk confessions#sapphic#slow burn#jealousy#wlw yearning#good luck babe#in denial#misunderstandings
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eh, I'm kind of tired of the relentless promotion of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood as feminist when all those female characters exist in relation to men, and that was the message I felt it sent to me: women are great but only if they don't forget their place. Those women are just better written than most because the original mangaka is a woman, but I've read a lot of Arakawa's stuff and it feels like she's really into this kind of promotion of traditional women in a way that has its pluses in showing how fully-faceted those women are, but never seems to really question those roles in a larger sense. I get why it appeals to people but I wouldn't exactly call it "feminist."
(I also have longstanding beef of how people use that to excuse the really fucked up messages about race in that show/manga, especially to dump on the original FMA anime which does that aspect much much better and whose female characters felt a lot more genuinely independent to me, but whatever. Neither is a bastion of feminism lol and don't want to make this about fandom beef)
It's also not necessary because there are a lot of anime that are outspokenly feminist and center women. Revolutionary Girl Utena being the obvious one, and got me through the 2016 election aftermath with episodes like when Utena beats Touga after he defeats her the first time, showing how women can triumph eventually even when the odds are wholly stacked against us. And it has a really probing analysis of the patriarchy and heteronormativity woven throughout the whole show.
A whole bunch of magical girl anime (not the entire genre, some suck and are made for gross dudes, but a lot of them, especially the 90s ones are aimed at women - Sailor Moon and Cardcaptor Sakura etc). Sayo Yamamoto's stuff that isn't Yuri on Ice - not that that show isn't great and gay and cute and doesn't say interesting things in its occasional one-off subplots about women, but it's obviously focused on men. But people who liked it who want great women-centric stuff should watch her Lupin III: The Woman Called Fujiko Mine and Michiko and Hatchin, both centered on women and very feminist in their themes, albeit in a way that requires you to pay attention and think and watch the whole show so you occasionally get Tumblrites without reading comprehension missing the point of them. I was really surprised, given the kind of trashy title, by the anime Maria the Virgin Witch, which is all about fighting patriarchal ideas about sex in fantasy medieval Europe. Also, Yurikuma Arashi by the same creator as Utena is a really good analysis of the ways that lesbians are portrayed in Japanese media and by the broader patriarchy.
For as much misogyny as there is in anime, the stuff that does engage with feminism can often be pretty radical and smart and does it better than you'll see in a lot of other media. It's like having that low hum of misogyny in the medium as a whole builds up a rage in some of its creators that just explodes in the stuff they make. Same with how it often engages with queer themes, tbh.
And then there's just that anime has a lot more female-character-centered stuff even if it isn't "feminist" exactly. Like stuff about women where the story and world is centered on women that you can just put on as a comfort watch. Love Live or something lol
you do bring up a good point about fma, i kinda forgot about that bc i watched it like a decade ago. rgu is really great and i defo recommend it even tho it was directed by a man. yurikuma is actually my fave anime of all time but does seem sexist and fan servicey on the surface. and i love love live and the other cgdct anime but it feels like there is always an underlying misogyny of that genre, knowing how the male fans and creators are. if i were to recommend a comfort watch i would go with k-on bc it has a female director.
thanks for the recs!
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thought about having a gf again *sighs*
#i’m made the same post about 50 times#you’d think i’d run out of shit to say on the subject#but nah#i think about being in love and i Yearn#but it’s not entirety possible ://#everyone i find attractive lives on the moon#or is far too out of my league even if they’re irl/on DAs#but still i YEARN!!!#idk just been feeling really low lately#and just plain unattractive and unworthy and it’s like…#i miss being flirted with#i miss actually believing ppl found me cute and funny and all the things they say#and it’s like every time it could be something it feels like it gets fucked up#idk like i don’t wanna rush into things anymore but still#and i don’t wanna date just to date#i wanna actually fall for someone again#even tho it’s scary#i wanna feel the butterflies in my tummy and be excited!!!#tho maybe i’m romanticising the idea of romance ya know?#and ignoring the more complicated parts of a relationship#and just focusing on the attention and good stuff#what must it be like to be pretty and have ppl fawn all over you?#must be nice#i don’t know if this is even coherent#does it matter?#i’ll probably get annoyed and delete it anyways lol#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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Should make a pain killer that actually kills (or even touches) pain
#not that I have access to ultra hardcore stuff#but even when I had... pretty sure it was vicodine for my wisdom teeth; it didn't do a thing for me#cbd based stuff seems like it maybe helps; certainly does more than nsaids which do nothing for pain (great for inflammation though)#but I just... I'd really like something that actually makes my muscles and joints feel like... good; unpain#I'm sure it would be classified as addictive whatever it was but like... fuck man... I just want to not hurt#I can't tell if I have chronic pain cause... I kinda forget to pay attention when I'm hurting a lot of the time#I'll just... kinda realize I've been hurting bad all day and just not really focusing on it#and I also don't know how often it happens; if it's once a day or once a month or what; not great at noting that stuff down#but man... I don't even like most meds; so many meds either do nothing for me or make me feel like shit#like... benedril? however you spell it; someone gave me some once said it would help me sleep... help me be awake feeling like ass more lik#but like... love to see if muscle relaxants actually like... relaxed my muscles; but you get it; you get why I'll never be able to try it#though honestly I think therapeutic massage might help me a lot#but my doc says that really only gets authorized by physical therapy and... well for me physical therapy is useless#cause I forget to do the exercise; like it's me failing a physical therapy; not a probably with physical therapy#if I ever think I can keep up with it I'd love to try physical therapy for my back again; but I don't want to waste all my chances at it#not when... I descriptively didn't do it when I was in it before; I'd never remember to do any of the exercises#anyway; bonus story from when I was in urgent care when the infection came back (that's still never been solved)#I tell the doc 'last time it tore open a drainage hole it was the worst pain I've ever felt'... cause it was#I said 'I'll need something a bit stronger than an nsaid cause the nsaid did nothing but cut inflammation last time'#she's like 'don't worry; I got you'... wanna guess what she gave me? a newer nsaid#it didn't do shit; I was just lucky and it wasn't as painful... maybe the old drainage hole tore open easier this time#but I didn't even take the nsaid she prescribed; so I'm gonna say it wasn't that med helping#like I get it; you don't want to give opioids... and would it shock you to know that wasn't what I was looking for either#there's gotta be something between nsaid and fentynol man#...well... maybe the cdb has almost got my muscles... hurting less at least; only taken all this time I've been writing#they still hurt for sure... I don't know... get tired; you know?#mm tag so i can find things later
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tag ramble
#not to sound like an attention seeker But does it sometimes feel like you're work is ignored if you're not already like. a big creator#this is about gifmaking yes. again -_- i do this every few months#im just dejected a little i feel because i think my gifs are good. i am very proud of them. i think they are good quality and i like my#colouring etc etc. Which is why i want people to see them. because i like them so much :D#but it feels like there's nooooo point if you're not already like. big. doing numbers. it feels like there's a wall between me and 90% of#other gifmakers and idk what it is#like what is itttt. am i not personal enough on my account? i don't think it's that. it's an interest focused acct like everyone elses#i make text post sometimes with thoughts and stuff#i try and interact with other people's gifs and stuff. i keep adjusting my queue time cuz i feel bad when stuff takes a bit to#come out and i want them to know their work is seen and i like it#outside of like. tkd lol. i gif stuff i know people like. well i gif it for me of course but i know other people on tumblr like it#and then i scroll thru the network tag for that group and every post around mine is doing numbers and mine is just. there#idk sorry for whining i guess. im just sad. i like my gifs too much If i liked my stuff less i'd care less i know#i appreciate the tags i get from friends. i really do. and i know that should be enough for me#but i also have this little ache all the time >_>#been gifmaking for 15 months now and ive yet to crack the secret
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tbh video games are a weird exception for me where i can't stand other forms of media having reactionary politics, like i can't look past it to try enjoy it despite the politics, it just ruins the experience for me, but for video games idgaf lol as long as the gameplay is fun i'm good. i mean i did write like 10k words criticising the reactionary politics of life is strange but that's different cause lis is a telltale game and basically just an interactive movie like there's not much gameplay to compensate for the writing and the politics of the writers. normal games are mostly gameplay and you can kinda ignore the writing if you don't like it. not that gameplay is apolitical, obviously the way the gameplay is designed is political too, but ig it's easier for me to ignore it if i can be distracted by the fun-ness of the gameplay? idk. but generally i'll play games with whatever strategy is most successful for the objectives of the game, like if the goal of the game is to make the most profit possible i'll play as a capitalist, if the goal of the game is to conquer all the land i'll play as a coloniser, if the goal of the game is to overthrow the bourgeoisie i'll play as a communist lol. anyway my main source of income in my rimworld games is harvesting and selling prisoners' organs
#tbh i only wrote that lis essay bc i enjoyed the games enough to pay attention to them and care about the fact that the politics sucked#dont ask for a link to that essay it's on a deleted blog and missed out a lot of things i would include now if i were to write the same#essay. also it focused more on the like coexist trump is a cheeto type liberalism in the game when i think the bigger problem is honestly#the kinda manifest destiny portrayal of turtle island in the games + racist portrayals of indigenous turtle islander spirituality#<- dont take that as some serious crit to argue with i would need to replay the games if i wanted to criticise them properly#also the rimworld example is a joke i dont think thats an example of reactionary politics bc the whole like.#organ harvesting and human leather chairs aspect of the game is like just a morbid joke#the messaging isnt that organ harvesting from prisoners is good#for rimworld it's probably the base assumption of space colonisation taken for granted w/o ever considering the exploitation necessary for#that to be possible. & portraying the places where u settle ur colony as being uninhabited; a land without a people etc#they did add pollution to the game in the latest dlc but it's only for if you use the like mech robots to work/fight for you#not for space age stuff in general#still the funnest game ever tho honestly
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I SWEAR I KEEP TRYING TO DO ART BUT THEN SOMETHING GETS IN THE WAY AND THEN I PROCRASTINATE AND THEN SIX MONTHS PASS
#this has been happening for like TWO YEARS BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TRYING.#my usual art motivation (my webcomic idea) has been put on hold for a bit and because of that i forgort... everything#my will to draw specifically#but in my defense i have been writing k*arlach / oc indulgences and i've been VERY focused on finishing it#i also got a marketing manager (my friend <3) to help with advertising my comms and stuff so uh... look forward 2 that#i might need to start posting all of my art on a sideblog so she doesn't have to log into my main though#so there might be some changes#but i promise i want to do art!!!! but there's always something to do first and then months pass :(#or i get the urge to draw and then life is like ''have a cancer scare'' lmao...#(ended up being cancerous actually </3 but because it's skin stuff it was easy to remove)#(but that really took the piss out of me for most of july... not to mention that ffxiv released a new expansion and i have been...#having a good time with my new friends doing content and stuff!) i also made a friend irl after like 3-4 years of total isolation#we feed ants and watch them move around together and comment on their behaviour patterns...#but like when i say this takes literal hours.#we just sit out there and talk about random shit and watch ants walk across the floor. both of us hate ants btw.#like we don't like having them ON us so it's a bit like playing with fire.#but anyways yeah i've also been really low energy recently too bc of the heat and burnout from college...#but the good news is that i'm transferring in fall to a much more relaxing college & courseload!#i'm hoping it'll stop me from feeling so... awful ?? i guess ??#like i was taking classes i didn't need to that were really difficult & punishing#not to mention extremely boring & hard to pay attention to when dealing with literally anything. i did not want to be there.#my next college is much more interest-oriented so i will finally be able to take classes i want to and learn from them...!#and then maybe i will feel a bit more in control of my life / more encouraged to draw#anyways thank u for reading my ramble. hoping it all comes together soon.#i need to do a lot of work but most of it is so i can sell commissions again#but once the karlach fic is done we're so back on the webcomic train !!!!!!!!
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Going to forever keep advertising my shit with tropes because do I have to? No. Am I too "stupid" to do it another way? No, not really. And as you've all seen, I also am perfectly capable of writing real blurbs and do write real blurbs. But I think it's fun to make the pic with the tropes anyway and have that around too. And also it keeps the pretentious people away. The sort who don't understand reading is not always for taking a "discomfort" vitamin because they A) are privileged enough to not have discomfort every day of their life to need to escape from or B) are fresh out of college and haven't discovered the joys of/have been shamed OUT of reading as a fun low pressure thing they can do to escape when they're fucking tired (and they think this sort of thing is new with fanfic and not more or less how "trash" lit like romance novels are marketed), as opposed to reading as some sort of Moral Duty To Be Deep that was instilled in them by a middle aged straight white English professor who thinks one can fulfill this by writing 10 pages about books where people scream at each other, have affairs with young women, or Make Up A Guy to warn people about things that Could Happen (that *cough* already happen to marginalized people *cough*) Anyway it's my version of a scarecrow. Firing shots to keep the rent low. Come take a seat next to me in the dumpster my fellow raccoons.
#Doing this for music of my heart for one day when I cram it all into a delicious tropey collection#God the only thing I hate about this post though is how the length of that sentence reminds me of Charles Dickens I fuckin hate that guy#I love being a shallow gremlin it's part of my brand#I jest but tbh I just am so over that stuff#It's another version of trashing romance novels or pop music or whatever to feel deep#Like if you were really deep#You would conceive of the breadth of humanity - only a fraction of which is inherently graspable by you on a deeper level#You would conceive of the fact that the experiences of the collective of humanity amount to 8 billion inner universes#You would conceive of how the ultimate 'depth' is accepting that you will only ever dip your finger into the surface of the lake#Of human experience#And that nothing hints at the existence of this lake more than someone being able to take joy in or find value#In something which you are fundamentally incapable of inherently ascribing value to - a truth that there's absolutely no fault in#aside from the fault of believing a value is universal because you possess it#This is also sort of like that thing where I talk like a caffienated teenager in a 2003 deviant art forum#But I can whip out the 'correct' grammar and spelling as needed to shut someone up who's being needlessly pretentious#I know this will get no notes and you'll think me a fool shooting myself in the foot but I really don't care#1) I have a day job so I can afford all the attitude I want#And 2) I feel like the people who like my stuff get it....and that's fine with me#if my friends and regulars like things that's good enough for me#Also sorry while we're at it we should probably talk about how thinking fanfic is inherently stupid#Or not a valuable form of reading material#Is deeply linked with homophobia and misogyny#There are a LOT of problems with fanfic but they mostly have to do with people focusing on derivative work at the expense of#Indie creators getting attention for original work that doesn't benefit from a corporations' billions of dollars of marketing
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after six years of the game being out and after three and a half years of me actually playing the game i have finally beat botw. did u know finishing video games is. fun,,
#hey its not as bad as norn9 where im only a third in after six years. and rhythm thief took me a genuine decade#im very good at taking my time#MY IMPRESSIONS its a good game :) i think i had a little over 100 hours by the end. one thing about the final boss fight though -#it made me kinda miss like true classic zelda scripted boss fights LOL but lots of fun!#some of the dlc stuff i couldnt do like the champions ballad and the sword thing RIP had to look up the cutscenes later~#theyre tough! but also my playstyle has always been a bit of. just run and go for it#planning and stealth is not my strong suit. by the end i was running directly up to guardians and just killing them before they killed me#i can eat kebabs faster than they can shoot lasers. i am unstoppable#the soundtrack was nice! subdued obvs since its open world#but the standout tracks are really standout. of course i love rito village night ver being dragon roost island#and the hyrule castle theme turning into zeldas lullaby in the internal parts hit me#and of course the main theme is iconic. i like the version with the hard break in the middle the most i love that cut so much#i know people edited it out and in the live version its not as harsh because its live#but i LOVE IT i love it so much. mix of synthetic breaks with a fantastical and traditional sounding theme. awesome#that whole 3 and a half years before i got a copy of the game (i wanted to beat skyward sword first) i didnt look up like anything#didnt pay attention to anything people were saying. heard something about it being open world. heard some speedruns were like an hour#and i heard the theme. and i listened to that theme on repeat for all those years. so so good#now i will probably do that for totk- not knowing anything about it for three years until i finally play it LOL thats how it is so far#people have told me about it. but truthfully i wasnt really listening. sowwy. i was focused on botw orz#but i wanna play something different now. take a break. also wait until i can find someone selling totk used for under 70 cad KJDLJFKDSJDKS#i am NOT paying nearly a hundo for a videoed game nintendo you cant make me#maybe now i should finish all the other games in my backlog. or i could start 5 new ones. hmmmmmmmm
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Consider Machines Over Customers
don’t know how useful this is, but for people who hate the customer interaction part of their jobs, like, if you think that is the worst part of your job, consider looking for a job that does not involve you interacting with customers. the hard part is that all the “basic job that you don’t need a college education to get” kind of jobs that I could think of to look for on job sites were like call center work and waitress and hotel staff and front desk work and retail and, you know, customer service positions. so I was searching job sites with those key words and did not know about a lot of other options. namely...machines. yes, that’s right. turns out there are so many machines out there and they all need people to operate them. there’s also warehouse stocking jobs but i haven’t tried one of those so I can’t endorse or diss them. BUT...I am working a machine operating job right now and I actually love machines. they are great. they also have yet to yell at me about an expired coupon. i mean, sometimes they do complain about thread breakage or refuse to read a positioning mark that is RIGHT THERE, but still...I love machines. I also do not have to see customers at all. like, I know the orders go to customers eventually, but I do not need to help them place the orders or receive the calls when their package does not arrive on time. I just need to fill the order and I’m done. whatever happens next is out of my hands. actually...the delivery workers might be another “customers are not my problem” option. they pick up orders from us and I think they just need to whip those at the front doors of customers, but they don’t actually need to talk to them.
just...the main point is that I spent a long time stuck thinking that all the “non-career” jobs I could get required customer interaction. unless you were, like, a cook in the back or stocking jobs, and i can’t cook or lift that much. so my advice is...just try getting creative with the keywords you plug into job sites. I hit on my current job by pure chance, no idea why it showed up when I was typing in stuff like “front desk” and “call center representative.” If you want machine stuff, try typing in “manufacturing” or “assembly” or “operator” or “production.” I am mostly just throwing this out there into the void in case it helps anyone. I spent way too long doing customer service and hating how draining it was and how much I would dread going to work. but now I am shocked that I actually do not mind going to work. it is tiring, but only physically, and otherwise actually enjoyable. so...consider machines over customers.
#job stuff#i don't think most ppl are generally aware of these kinds of jobs#especially since whenever i mention that i'm an industrial embroidery machine operator#people tend to have no idea what that means or what i do#i literally needed no experience or education either. i think these type of jobs have a lot of entry level positions#and they did train me to do it and there's nothing that would require college education#i am not saying this is true for all jobs like this but i did spot some similar jobs on Indeed#usually it looks like they just require high school education#some look like they're more high end than others and give benefits but might require prior experience#if you wanted one of the nicer higher paying jobs that say 'prefer 3 years of manufacturing experience'#i feel like you could easily do a few years of a lower-paying 'no prior experience necessary' jobs like the one i have#and then upgrade once you've got the experience#also this may or may not be a factor in how much i am enjoying my new job but i am very autistic#so a job that focuses on attention to detail and sorting and matching and also colors and lots of repetition...#yeah it's like they made this job just for me as a treat#and i'm not saying your jam is definitely machines. just that i really love them but i never thought they were an option#for like your average person who did not get some kind of welding certification or engineering degree or something#because i did not do any of that. they just let me touch the machines right away#i'm not even good at math this feels like a sin#but i love these machines way more than i've ever enjoyed a customer interaction#so i highly recommend trying to look for more 'obscure' jobs that you didn't hear about during school job fairs#also some other jobs i did know about w/no customer interaction but have not personally tried#are data entry clerk and transcriptionist#also i love animals so i looked for jobs where i work with animals but no dice for me#i don't really want to work at a doggy daycare that's too high energy and lots of cleaning but i did consider it#my friend was a dog groomer for a while but that is also not my jam#oh and a lot of teaching assistant/teaching positions don't actually require an education#they seem to be always hurting for staff#my sister is an aide at an elementary school and she didn't go to school for that#hmm...janitorial jobs. landscaping. delivery
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everyone’s talking all these sophisticated points about Glass Onion but i personally cannot get over the lingering camera shot on the ass of the statue Benoit hides behind to eavesdrop on Miles and Peg
#shhh sharkie#i s2g they spent longer focusing on the ass than on Benoit’s reaction#trying to finish watching this tonight! i started yesterday but then K called and we were on the phone for like an hour and a half#fun convo very good to talk but at the end i was like ‘welp i just used up the energy and attention span i had been devoting to this movie’#and went to bed. so finishing it today hopefully#idk how like adhd motivated i am to watch it but im tired of seeing gifsets and posts about it and not being able to interact#i think i ended up seeing the first Knives Out in theaters but i had waited long enough that i was almost fully spoilered at that point#which like to be clear: i don’t care THAT much about spoilers#cause usually all the important details for the spoilers aren’t in the actual spoilers#it’s like I got the beginning and the end of the puzzle but all the steps to make that puzzle make sense are missing#but with the OG I waited long enough that I did end up getting spoiled for those middle details#and I spent more of the movie looking for those subtle clues instead of just letting myself experience them#anyway! i also took my adhd meds today cause i had work so we’re still in the timeframe for a slightly more neurotypical attention span#did not take my meds over my weekend cause i wasn’t sure i was going to be able to get them refilled before work#so this weekend was kinda a total write-off wrt actual productivity.#i did fun stuff but not important stuff#*stares at the giant pile of clean laundry that has not been put away*
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"As mentioned above, many neurodivergent people find it challenging to feel internal physical sensations at all. In addition, many neurodivergent people need external stimulation to help themselves feel regulated. Eating without distractions could be quite uncomfortable and even painful for this reason."
For years I would look at posts and questionnaires about neurodivergence that takes about being so focused on something that you forgot to eat and be like, "Couldn't be me. Being hungry is so uncomfortable! Your stomach is growling and cramping? How do you ignore that?"
Then someone informed me that neurotypical people have a whole bunch of "hungry" sensations before they get to that point.....
#that's absolutely on point#and likely why I've always had such a strained relationship with traditional mealtime and have struggled with meal-focused social outings#conversation is a bit *too* attention grabbing- I'm that person who will talk bunches and finish eating last#but if I'm forcing myself to just eat- the possibility of me feeling ill skyrockets#I've found I eat best when watching a movie or writing- it's a good middle ground#anyway seeing them describe this concerted effort to eat as 'uncomfortable and even painful' is just so true#my other stuff
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not my new co teacher being a literal high school meangirl tiktoker 😬
#she's just filling in thank goodness but she's worse than useless lol#i heard she was from the other classrooms she's usually in tho#she's kind of nice but she's literally sitting there on the phone or texting while she's supposed to be watching the kids#she was on the phone at naptime yesterday and i could not get her attention for my life to get her to settle one of the kids#bc i couldnt make noise and no amount of arm waving could penetrate the tiktok hypnosis she would not have looked my way if i died#phones are allowed at naptime but you still need to be aware of your surroundings and no calls but she did take a call too and was unaware#also she's constantly texting when the kids are awake?? i would get fired for that idk how she's getting away w it#but when ur watching 17 toddlers you're basically a lifeguard you're not supposed to take your eyes off them even to speak to other teachers#bc even with 3 or 4 teachers watching there's always something out of sight thats going to go wrong#its impossible to watch all of them#and they will get hurt#and thats when you're all focusing#also when she does witness unsafe behavior she doesnt move#she just sits there and says no dont do that#but doesnt physically remove the 1 year old who does not listen to verbal correction from the unsafe situation???#she just sits there and scolds them until another teacher intervenes physically every single time 😭#not once has a child stopped because she told them to#anyway#not to be a bitter adult shaking my fist at The Youth but she's so bad lol#i hate to be correcting her all the time so im letting her get away w stuff i would be executed for#and i did 3 of our 4 rounds of diapers yesterday bc she doesnt know how#she's nice to your face basically but she's really gossipy and mean abt others so you know she's speaking badly abt you too
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taking a break from cleaning because i need to 1) pace myself and 2) spread this out over 2 days so that it doesn't get a chance to get too dirty again before i gotta do final tidying and pickup before the chaos ensues, but i've gotten a surprising amount done for like 20 minutes of clean and 10 minutes of Silly Shit.
#the whiteboard to-do list has been a game changer for me in general#like i don't often have a lot of stuff to put on it#but when i do it's really good at keeping me on track/focused#without being too overwhelming to look at#(or while it might be overwhelming as soon as you knock something off if the list looks too cluttered you can just erase it)#(and then bam less shit on your list both physically and mentally)#my productivity hack is 1) erasable to-do list and 2) find a 15-20 minute video to pop on and work to#you don't gotta pay attention to it but finding something you enjoy listening to is a key#i don't wear headphones while working because i don't have wireless ones and i rarely wear pockets indoors because fuck that noise#so i just pop my phone in a central location to where i'm currently working and let her go#if i have to leave the room i can hear it going and i know i gotta go back for it when i'm done#you just work for the length of the video and assess where you're at when you're done#if you did extra stuff that wasn't on your to-do list#write them down and cross them off - or just pretend you've already wiped them off the list because you did them#and since it's not on your list *now* you don't have to worry about it#i used to work almost exclusively to markiplier's prop hunt playlist but i've expanded for shorter bursts#because that's what i put on if i think it's going to take all day (and then i get about 45 minutes in and go alright i finished)#anyway ymmv if you even got this far or were thinking about taking my advice#i'm just telling you what works for me#and of course it's really mostly onlyhelpful if i've already got the spoons for doing shit that day in the first place lmao#speaking of which i did figure out where the extra spoons came from earlier this week#bad news boys: it was the hormone cycle and now i'm bleedin' out me vag again#okay real sorry if you got this far on the tags thank god this is my own post lmao
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afab!reader, no prns, praise, edging, wet&messy, könig using ur clit as a fidget toy <3
könig, a trained lethal soldier, who suffers from anxiety. you would never know if you didn't know what you were looking for.
his biggest tell, for you, is the way he fidgets. with you.
you're like his own personal little fidget toy. his hands are always on you, kneading and squeezing your skin. most times you don't mind, you rather like having him touching you — your thighs, your waist, your butt, wherever he can get his hands honestly.
but sometimes...his hands wander. it's mindless, truly.
his eyes fixated on the tv playing some random show he decided he wanted to watch. but you couldn't pay attention, not when one big hand was shoved up your shirt groping your breasts and the other was haphazardly stuffed into your sleep shorts and under your panties.
he's toying with you so mindlessly, callused fingers sliding over your clit that has grown increasingly slippery with how wet you've become. occasionally he dips down to prod at your slick entrance.
his movements have no rhyme or reason. he's not even moving very fast. just sloppy back and forth flicks and occasionally he simply taps his fingers against the little bud that has grown so sensitive from his playing. sometimes, when something interesting happens on tv, he stops completely until the desire the fidget returns to him.
you're sitting with your back against his chest, situated between his spread legs sprawled cozily on the couch. he can't see the heated, dazed look on your face from the come-and-go pleasure he inadvertently gives you. he's edging you without even realizing it, full attention still focused on the damn tv. he isn't even hard.
that thought alone is enough to make you clench around nothing. he's really just playing with you like a little toy and that thought is so hot to you. it makes you cheeks burn in embarrassment as you continue to leak into your panties.
if you listen close you can hear with wet clicking noise that comes with his movements. your eyes roll back in your head as that sound alone has your back arching but you quickly settle yourself down, not wanting to tear his attention from the tv — he so rarely had time to settle down and just enjoy tv, you didn't want to disturb him.
the episode he's watching ends and you cast a hopeful glance up at him but he's waiting for the next episode to start and it makes you whine against your own wishes. but your clit is so hard and twitchy from being edged that it's actually hurting and you're so wet now that your panties are uncomfortably sticky.
it's your whine that gets his attention, pretty blue eyes flicking down to your face where he finally sees the desperate way you're looking at him, teary eyes and swollen lips from biting them to keep quiet. you can see in his eyes when he registers how soaked you've gotten his fingers and he has the audacity to look sheepish.
"ah, my sweet..." he whispers, ears tinged pink, "i-i'm sorry, i did not realize..."
he moves to pull his hand out of your panties and you whine again, grabbing his wrist with both hands to stuff him back down. your nails bite into his skin and he stops trying to pull away, instead pushing his hand back down and it's then that he fully resisters how wet you are.
"don't stop, please...i-i've been so close..." you pitifully beg and he takes pity on you. how precious of you, he thinks.
"i'm sorry, my love," he coos, fingers starting to work once again — properly this time with quick little circles on your clit, "i'll make you cum for being so good for me."
you can't even formulate words, instead nodding and spreading your legs even further apart, your feet on either side of his legs. he hums softly in your ear, chin hooked over your shoulder as he watches his hand move under the fabric of your shorts.
he spreads your sticky folds apart and begins to swirl messily around your clit, occasionally lightly tapping against the bud just to watch the cute way your thighs twitch at the feeling. you reach back and clutch his t-shirt in your fists to ground you. his cock throbs, churning up quickly, at the loud, wet noise of him playing with your cunt.
it doesn't take long at all before your stiffening against him and twitching in his lap as you cum with a cute little gasp of his name. he moans softly in your ear as he feels your clit throb under the pads of his fingers. you let out the loveliest moans that has his cock hardening fully against his thigh.
when you slacken against his body, aftershocks making you twitch periodically as you pant, he's tempted to stop but the fact you had sat there so sweetly and let him practically torture you while he watched his show made him want to make it up to you.
he sees the excitement in your eyes when his fingers dip lower and begin to press into you and he can't believe just how sweet you are. your so sticky and wet with the amount of cum he worked out of you with such ease.
"let me really make it up to you, my little one..."
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i survived the day. contemplating ranting abt the dog training podcast i was listening to all day to keep ne awake.
#like this podcast. it is good. but a decent chunk of it in my personal experience is not applicable to most everyday ppls lives/dogs#like theres definitely stuff to learn from it. but then you also gotta know like what stuff just will not work#& i dont mean that in a way where like ‘meh that sounds hard i dont wanna try’ but like ik from experience that thats just not how it goes w#every day dogs ykwim#& there were these few things that were fr ticking me off bcuz i was like how are u gonna say that this thing is bad so u should do this#instead . when that other thing u should do is just the first thing in a trenchcoat#like !#ok so thing she was talking abt was how she doesnt like luring bcuz blah blah blah ritght but u should do shaping 8nstead but then the#shaping was just luring with more steps!!#& then this one thing that was like ‘i dont use a voice cue for hand touch bcuz i want my dog to be paying attention to me at all times on#walks’. & it is like. why. why do u want ur dog only looking at u for the whole walk. thats not fun for the dog. why not let ur dog look &#sniff around & then when u say ‘touch!’ they come laser focused back in on you. & then you get to release them & they go back to having fun!#like idk! i think the second thing is just better !#idk. im a hound person not a border collie person. so ik thats part of it#but i have more to say on that that i will probably never actually get the courage to post. so.#dog posting
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