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puppywilliams · 2 days ago

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just to ruin things.

summary: you and ellie’s cant run from your past forever.

warnings: toxic!ellie, mentions of drugs (cocaine), mentions of alcohol consumption, mentions of relapsing, angst, implied bi reader

a/n: hi! ive been sooo very busy but heres a little smth i wrote! this might be boring but i need to post </3 also listened to memories by conan gray while writing this if you care

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some stupid party got you exactly where you always ended up. in ellies truck. it made you so fucking angry the way she always swooped in to save that day like she was some superhero, like she was doing you a favor. you couldn’t blame her too much, you always gave in like a lost dog finding its owner.

part of you Needed her to save you, the unfortunate truth you weren’t ready to unfold, its one you couldn’t face in fear of what it might do to the wall you’ve spent Too long already rebuilding, 7 months and 13 days of rebuilding to be exact. you tell yourself you’re not counting, its just an estimate. like this, its just friendly, this is what friends do. they drive you home. you’re not even that drunk, you knew you were getting into her car, you knew you were letting her right back into the place you needed to keep her out of the most.

her eyes were straight on the road with her knuckles around the steering wheel. you looked at her, freckles splatted across her face like god himself hand picked each one. “youre a fucking idiot you know that? all over that guy? you dont even know him. he couldve slipped something in your drink, youre gonna get yourself killed.” she spat venom through the atmosphere, turning everything sour like she managed to do every damn time.

“fuck you.” you spat back. it wasnt worth it, never was nor ever had been. but ellie argued either way.

“what? you still cant handle the truth?” she piled on, it was like a never ending mound of what you did that she didn’t like or approved of, it pushed your buttons in a way ellie knew it would. when you spend enough time together, the memories you’ve engraved into your head don’t expire. ellie knew you like she practiced your coding. every nook, every cranny, every corner, every place she knew and altered as she pleased. ruining you every time without so much as an apology. it angered you so much, for someone who swore she didnt care, it hurt.

you looked down and fiddled with the hem of your dress, hyper focusing in on one thing so you didnt burst like a can of shaken soda, youd been on the edge of your breaking point since you had broken up. so many words you didn’t say, so many words you wish you didn’t say.

“cant speak now? what? have too much to drink? bet you remember that guy you were all over. probably remember him more than you remember anything about me.” she pierced daggers right into your pressure points, only fueling the fire that endorsed your temper.

you took a breath before turning your head to look at her. “you dont have the right ellie. youre a fucking loser. you know that?” you looked right at her. the way you knew she despised when she couldn’t meet your gaze. “i dont Need you to save me, we’re long past that. what i do and who i do is none of your god damn business!” you threw your hands into the air finally letting yourself lose your calm facade, not missing a beat in fear she might cut in and ruin what you know you Need to say, for yourself and maybe its a plead. you dont think, only spoke.

“youre acting like when we were together you didnt drink your ass off every fucking night. sitting on My couch, watching My tv, crawling into My bed pissed out of your mind, you dont have any idea do you? none?” you breathed heavily with tears in your eyes looking Right at her before moving your gaze again to meet the hem of you dress. knowing the battle you say is with ellie, is actually with yourself. its one you always lose. “im so fucking m-mad at you still..i dont need this, or to see you at all…id listen to silence and see nothing but black just to know id never get confirmation you still existed..i cant stand you..” ellie stayed silent, the way she always did. white knuckles gripped over the steering wheel, her jaw clenched, but you see the gloss over her eyes. you see the way she breathes like shes making sure its the perfect rhythm.

you closed your eyes, the silence was so deafening you thought you got your wish, but she opened her mouth proving you wrong and teaching you once again to not get your hopes up.

“you want me to got care anymore? you fucking got it.” she put it simple, you should be grateful but you cant seem to be. its your weakness, and its one you’ll never strengthen, her weight always dragging you back down like a purgatory, but your shackles will never be lifted, so potentially its a sugarcoated way of calling it hell.

you turn to look out the window. “thank god.” you utter under your breath, a chunk of your soul hopes she doesn’t hear, of course she does. “dont ask me to pick you up at 11pm anymore. im not coming.”

she makes a good point, a great one even. one that not even you could manage to figure out if you tried.

“then stop picking up.” its all you say, its all you Needed to say. you glance at the way shes losing internal fight in the torn up seat of her truck.

“you know i cant do that..” she whispers as a single tear falls from her eye. she tries to wipe it away with the knuckle bound to her thumb before you see. “i know.”

“then why? why pull me in to push me away? why?! why do you do it?” you fall silent, its a conversation you hadn’t prepared for, but its a hole you dug so long ago it feels like centuries, but like every past, it catches up to you. its something so long overdue it churns your stomach like a knot in a rope you cant seem to unravel. “what am i meant to do ellie? come crawling back to your doorstep and repeat everything i spent so long trying to mend myself back together over? seeing your face is the worst kind of relapse. its a reminder of what i worked for, to self sooth for months and act like kissing someone else doesn’t still feel like cheating. i do what i Have to do ellie, i cant plead with you, not when youre not mine and im not yours, because just like you. i have no fucking right..” your voice shook with emotions you didn’t know you we’re still capable of feeling.

ellie doesn’t try to hide her tears anymore, its pointless. its something rare, something you so selfishly cherish. its like feeding a sweet tooth that cant be settled unless you have empathy, you crave it every day knowing you never got it. you tell yourself shes crying for You and not yourself, its the fix of what will get you through this conversation, through tonight, and through next week.

“you think thats what i want?” she dryly chuckles before scoffing, using her pointer and thumb to wipe at her tear ducts. you fucking hate it. “you think thats what i want? i want you to be happy believe it or not, even if its not me. but god damn, it kills me seeing you with someone else and you dont even Care.”

you take her words as something thats malicious, but deep down somewhere in your heart you know its just the truth, maybe you’re not ready for this, you might never be. “you made that decision a long time ago. its out of my control now.”

her face hardened and her eyes stayed put on the road ahead. “you gave up on me. you put everyone else and everything else before me, was i supposed to stay?” she breathes out through her nostrils. you looked at her like she had said something outrageous, like it was a life altering claim.

“thats what you think huh?” you scoffed rolling your eyes and crossing your arms over your chest looking back out the window.

she raised her voice, her temper always did run thin. something you didn’t miss. “yeah, it is!” she bit the inside of her cheek and took a deep inhale.

“no ellie. i tried, and thats what you never give me credit for. i tried to help you get sober, i payed for your rehab bill so you could come back home to me, but the first thing you did when you got home was snort a line before you even looked my way. we’re not dogs, i cant lick your wounds and tell you they’ll heal, i had myself to worry for. you put drugs above me, so i stopped trying. i stopped begging you.” she fell silent for what you hoped would be the last time tonight, you watched the way she went to speak but shut herself up.

her voice still appeared a few seconds later. “i know i was an addict, i know i fucked up but you gave up on me regardless.” you looked at the tense expression she had as she drove, not even sure if she was driving in the right direction anymore. as much as you

wanted this to all be over you couldn’t bring yourself to care.

“you gave up on yourself. i didn’t even get a sorry.” you said dryly, looking back at your feet. everything seemed to consume you. “well im saying sorry now. and for the record i still love you.”

you wanted to recoil, to scream at her and tell her to fuck off, but you softened. you wiped your eyes, sniffling. “i still love you too, it drives me crazy.”

it was the truth, one you ran from. something you denied to your friends and family, knowing if you said anything remotely to the truth you’d see the way their face morph into an disapproving expression.

“i know ill never have you again, but for what its worth i’m thankful you were mine.” its something ellie never intended to say out loud but she used every resource she could.

you gave in to something she wasn’t even asking for, just something you needed to ruin you.

“for what its worth if you asked me to be yours again i don’t think i could say no.”

“then dont say no.”

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calamitoustide · 4 months ago

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Lily, oh Lily I just loathe you lately...

microfic - jegulily/regulily - 1.7k

It started with a kiss.

One Regulus wasn’t even included in. He wasn’t even there, he didn’t see it, and yet he replays it in his head almost constantly. It’s the first thought he has in the morning, he carries it with him through lunch. White knuckles braced against the table as he stares longing towards the other side of the hall, his ears ringing and he can’t hear anything anyone is trying to say to him. His friends all make comments but he doesn’t notice them. His mind is too loud, thinking of soft skin and eyes that bite. He forgets his notes, it doesn’t matter, they’re not even there. He lays awake at night unable to close his eyes without thinking, thinking, thinking.

He should be thinking about James. He should be obsessively counting his every step. It’s how this whole thing started. James is everything, he hung the moon, and every single star in the night sky. He walks around the halls calling out to everyone by name, his smile hung wide across his face. And yes, Regulus thinks of him. He thinks of his sweat covered skin as he skips off to the locker rooms after practice. He thinks of him drunkenly coming up to him, leaning close to his ear to whisper nonsense. Even if he can’t understand it Regulus clings onto every single word. He thinks of how he looks in the morning, a sight Regulus has only seen a handful of times and yet he cherishes it like it’s the world. He thinks of his hair all messed up, and his eyes wide and soft like an infant. He thinks of him stretching out his exhaustion and the little moment his shirt lifts up to reveal what’s underneath. He thinks and he thinks and he thinks, but he’s not looking over at him. He’s looking at her.

The rumors of James Potter and Lily Evans finally working it out spread like wildfire. It’s embers branching out until there wasn’t a single person who didn’t know about it. Their kiss happened in the middle of the Gryffindor common room, apparently no one was there, but there are always sources. Always whispers. Regulus woke up to a burn to his cheek, and a crackling outside of his window. His friends looked over at him, pity drowning in their eyes, but none of them said anything. None of them knew how. It was Pandora who finally brought him over, holding his hands gently as she broke him the news. He can’t remember his reaction. He just remembers the moment his face dropped, but he wasn’t thinking of him, he was thinking about her.

He never minded Lily Evans before, he barely gave her a second glance. He saw her sometimes in the library, she always sat alone, pushed in the back. Even in the darkest parts of the castle the sunlight always tended to reach her. It covered her and highlighted every freckle on her face. Her eyes were always soft with contemplation, but Regulus didn’t care for her much. He always heard about James’ crush on her, of course he did, but he never cared. He didn’t think it would go anywhere. He thought to himself Lily Evans was as blind as a person can be for rejecting James. He could never understand it. How could she get James to even so much as look at her and not truly understand what that meant. How much other people would die for him to look at them like that. Resentment climbed in his liver, it overwhelmed him. Before it was a scoff at any remark. It was an eye roll at the stupidity of Lily for thinking James would just be there when she realized how daft she was truly being.

Though the only stupid person truly was Regulus, for James was there waiting for when Lily finally opened her eyes. He was there to chase after her, like the tail-end of a shooting star. James ran circles around her, watching her like she was everything, like she was his entire world. He held open every single door for her. He’d make himself bleed for an ounce of her attention, and she never never cared. She never cared before now, but Regulus has been here. He’s been here and Lily just walked the epitome of angel dust to smile and beckon James over to her like he’s a dog on a leash she’s holding.

“Regulus,” Pandora’s voice catches him out of his retched mind.

“What?” Regulus snaps, not taking his eyes off her. Her with her perfect skin. Her with her perfect everything.

“You’re going to drill a hole in her head, you know,” She comments.

Regulus finally releases his gaze, “What are you talking about?”

It’s just the two of them. Barty and Evan ran off somewhere, and Dorcas well she’s always with Marlene now anyway. Pandora looks over at him softly, her eyes filled with pity, “You don’t have to pretend you’re looking at James when it’s just me.”

Regulus furrows his eyebrows, shaking his head, “I’m not just looking at her.”

“You’re looking at both of them?” Pandora suggests.

“Yeah,” Regulus answers, lies dripping from his mouth.

Pandora smiles, “James walked away five minutes ago.”

Regulus head whips aside to find her right. It’s only Lily, laughing at something one of her friends are telling her. She throws her head back like she’s a little kid. Coated in innocence in a kind of nostalgia not many people can reach towards. Sunlight nips at her face as her nose crinkles in a laugh. Her beauty endless, it’s like a knife to Regulus’ skin. Every perfection he finds in her is a scar on him.

“Regulus?” Pandora calls out again, as if she’s talking to a child. “Is there something you need to tell me?”

“Like what?” Regulus grumbles, looking back down at his plate, trying to fight the pull to look over at her. It’s like he’s under a spell, he’s certain she’s behind it. She wants him to look at her. She wants for all of this. She’s out to get him. He looks up again. She’s still sitting there. Why is she still there? Shouldn’t she be off chasing after James? Shouldn’t she be at his feet beck and call? Shouldn’t she be giving him the world right now? Why is she still just sitting there?

Pandora hums, “Nothing.”

Regulus looks over at her, “What’s your problem?”

“You’re torturing yourself,” Pandora tells him.

Regulus hesitates, he opens his mouth to speak but no words come out. In any other world this would be torture. He’s staring off at the girl who’s got the one thing he’s been begging for his entire life. He’s never wanted something as much as he’s wanted James. Looking over at Lily should be torture. It should kill him. It is. It’s the sweetest kind of torture. It’s a twisted lullaby. It’s a stinging on his cheek.

“Unless,” Pandora starts, “You want to be looking at her.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Regulus says quickly.

Pandora reaches out to grab his hand, “I’m gonna hold your hand while I tell you this.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Regulus tries to cut her off but when Pandora gets something in her mind it’s hard to resist it.

“I did it with James,” Pandora explains quickly. “I’ll do the same now. You’re in love with Lily Evans.”

“I am not in love with Lily Evans,” Regulus argues.

Pandora narrows her eyes, “You’re not?”

“No.”

“Why are you staring at her?” Pandora asks.

“She’s with James,” Regulus answers weakly.

“Why aren’t you watching him then?” Pandora questions. “Do you even know where he is? You used to always know, you used to have his schedule perfect.”

Regulus shrugs, “I’ve gotten busy.”

“Right,” Pandora scoffs. “So you wouldn’t mind if I called her over here.”

“Pan—“

Before he can even finish Pandora is raising her hand. Shouting out across the hall, “Hey, Evans!”

Regulus scrambles for something to hold, to bring Pandora’s hand down and stop her from this, but it doesn’t do any good. Lily’s already looking over, her eyes dazzling in the sun. The rest happens like a dream as she leans over to her friends explaining that she’ll be going. She walks over on clouds and then she’s in front of him. His stomach ties itself together. His mouth opens but nothing comes out.

“Hey,” Lily says, leaning across the bench to put her hands on the table. Her perfume reaches Regulus’ nose and it’s overwhelming, it’s making him slip back, like he’s in an ocean, drowning in all the waves.

“Hi,” Pandora replies.

Both of their gazes go towards him, but Regulus is only looking at her.

Lily smiles with his silence, he wants to kill her. She looks away and he wants to kill her even more, “You still working on that potion?”

“You know it,” Pandora tells her. “It’s close to being done now.”

Regulus doesn’t care what they’re saying. He just watches Lily. He can’t look away. She’s the greatest thing that’s ever existed, and she’s got James Potter wrapped around her finger. Its should be him.

She doesn’t stay long. Before she leaves she looks back over at Regulus, “Goodbye, Regulus.”

“Bye,” he forces out, his tongue resting uncomfortably in his mouth.

She laughs, it’s as soft as fresh daisies and she’s doing him in, “You’re cute,” she says, like it’s nothing, like it’s not eating Regulus whole. “I’ll see you two around.”

Then she’s gone again. Walking down the hall, her hair blowing behind her like a fucking magazine ad. There can’t be someone that perfect. She’s just a person. She’s nobody. She’s the one James wants. She won his heart over. She’s the one lying beside him. And all Regulus wants is to lie when she lies. Lily Evans is poison and it’s slowly driving Regulus mad. She’s everywhere, like a call of the wind. He’s nothing worshipping at her feet, it makes him uneasy.

“So,” Pandora breaks the echoing silence. “Not in love.”

Regulus swallows thickly, his eyes still stuck in the last place she was, even if she’s moved on, “Not in love,” he forces out.

The ache is endless, and bullets line his skin. A scar for every beauty, for which Lily Evans has infinite.