#and ive been trying to help her find out if she has a medical issue sure but i always tell her

[vamptastic]

just being bitter but it's annoying to see my mom worried about my sister's eating habits and her self-image around weight when at her age i was skipping meals and strictly counting calories but my mom didn't gaf because i was still gaining weight and my behavior was 'normal' dieting.

like i would be fasting all day come home from school at like 5pm break and eat a sandwich and she'd be screaming at me about eating a 'second lunch' and not believe me when i said I hadn't eaten lunch at school. that kinda thing. and she gave me shit about using too much butter and oil in my cooking and it being sooo unhealthy without me actually doing that up until i started college and i could literally show her the empirical amounts of fat in my cooking. like i basically got treated like i had a binge eating problem when i was actively fasting and eating like 600 cal a day and still not losing weight. exhausting.

she's come around a lot on it and is much cooler about it now that i know i have PCOS, because a very close cousin of hers also has it and has had issues with weight her whole life and ended up getting a gastric bypass with some unpleasant complications, mostly due to societal pressure more than like, mobility issues. i think she realizes on some level that for me it's medical and i would be 'scary' fat if i didn't get treatment much younger than her cousin did. even if she can't get that it doesn't matter if it's medical or not bc fatness isn't inherently bad.

but like seriously i'm glad she's worried about my sister i'm glad my sister got treated better and that she didn't let our doctor give her shit for her weight but she's not blameless here either. my sister has a genuine issue w binge eating or at least used to, like eating to the point of being sick, and the way my mom handled that was basically to call her a pig all the time and not do anything about it. and my mom will literally show us pictures of herself and tell us how fat and disgusting she looks. i mean i feel for her i get that this isn't easy to unlearn but at a certain point can she at least stop acting like i'm some horrible influence for being fat when she's the one that gave us both body image issues. peace out.

[copperbadge]

How did you find the doctor(s) who assessed you for ADHD? Im looking into the process of getting diagnosed because (although ive suspected I might have adhd for years now) I've been struggling a lot more lately and i want to try medication to see if it helps at all. Im trying to search for psychiatrists through my health insurance portal but the the results im getting are all for child/adolescent psychiatry specialists, and I dont think that'll be much help for an adult adhd assessment? Did you have an established therapist to refer you for your assessment or were you able to find a psychiatrist independently?

I actually just kind of had to freeform it, but that does mean I have some tips to share!

I will say, I have never once used a health insurance portal to find someone to treat me for anything. Often their search engine is fucked up and the information is sometimes out of date. I almost always either ask someone who I know has had similar issues if they have a recommendation, ask my treating physician if I have one, or just google until I find someone reputable-looking; any qualified medical center or professional will list what insurance they take anyway, and you can always ask when you make the appointment.

So here's the process for how to do that!

When I was first considering it, I asked a friend who'd had an evaluation that came back not-ADHD, which I liked because it meant we knew it wasn't like, a weird Adderall pill mill or something. I really wanted to have a professional and thorough evaluation because I knew myself and knew I was capable of gaming a questionnaire. The place she had her evaluation was unfortunately having some staffing issues; part of the reason it took me so long is that I played phone tag with them for ages -- I'd call, and regardless of what time of day I called, their scheduler would be "out", so I'd leave a message and never get a call back. Ultimately I said "I really need to talk to a human, because your scheduler has not returned any of my numerous calls" and they said they could transfer me to another office outside of Chicago (in the burbs). That was not going to be accessible to me, so I told them thanks but I'll go somewhere else. Then COVID hit and I was not going to go anywhere near a medical center unless I had to for about two years.

So, when I was making my second serious run at getting evaluated, I did what might be expected of me by longtime readers of this blog: I made a spreadsheet.

I want to caveat this up top with REALLY IMPORTANT CONTEXT: I did not do all of this in a single day. The process from starting research to making an evaluation appointment took about a month, and probably would have taken longer if I wasn't getting somewhat desperate. Do not push yourself to do this as a single act. Research alone is a multi-day process; some days I looked at the open tabs and only entered one tab's worth of information. It took me quite a bit of time to write the form email I sent inquiring about an assessment. It took me time to call the clinic back when they asked me to call to book the appointment. This is a series of steps, not a single leap.

So!

I was looking for a clinic rather than an individual, in part because I'd heard a couple of horror stories about people who went to a psychiatrist and just got argued with for an hour instead of actually getting evaluated. So I googled, and here are some key terms for you, chicago adult adhd assessment. Chicago obviously for the region, but "adult adhd" (putting it in quotes will help) is the important term that will help you filter out a lot of child psych stuff. A lot of what I looked at did included family or child assessment/therapy but were clear that they also evaluated adults.

Then I went through every legit-looking search result and noted down, in my spreadsheet, the name of the clinic/company, the contact phone and email, the URL, the physical location (I needed to be able to get to it fairly easily) and whether they took my insurance. Even if they didn't take my insurance (all but one did) I still put them into the spreadsheet so that if I found them again I could check the sheet and know I didn't need to investigate further. I also tended to bump more legitimate and friendly-looking places to the top of the sheet. And if I were going to do it again I would also look for one specific thing, which is an assessment guide of some kind.

The assessment guide may be something they only give you after you speak with them, so it's not a no-go if they don't have one on their website, but it basically tells you what generally will go on during the assessment, how long it will take, and what you should bring. A full assessment like I had is estimated to take 4-6 hours and they recommended I wear layers so I wouldn't be overly cold/warm in their office, and to bring a snack. That's the kind of information you want, duration of the assessment and what they recommend for you, to ensure that you're working with people who are thorough and care about your comfort.

So, I have this spreadsheet now of places to reach out to, which I know take my insurance and do adult assessment. In the spreadsheet I also had columns for what date I contacted them and whether they'd responded. I started reaching out via email, one per day, with the form email I'd written.

The form email basically said "I'm 42 with no previous diagnosis but I have a family history of autism and dyslexia. I've been told I should get assessed for ADHD, so I'm looking for a clinic that will do the assessment and takes (my insurance). I prefer to be contacted by email but if need be, my phone number is (phone number). Please let me know if you have any open appointments and what information you will need from me to book an evaluation with you." (You can always ask for more information about the actual evaluation process once they respond.)

If I didn't get a response within 24 hours, I moved on to the next, but I only greyed out the text in that line of the spreadsheet; I didn't disqualify/remove the nonresponsive ones because again, I wanted to make sure I kept that information in case they eventually did respond. I did this with about ten clinics, because I figured I must be able to find at least one in ten who could do the eval, and I could go back and research more if necessary.

I think the third or fourth one I reached out to was the first to respond, and I ended up going with them; I had a very positive experience in the assessment itself but it was a real pain in the ass getting the documentation from them -- they took about a month to go through the evaluation data (this is not abnormal but is rather longer than usual according to my psychiatrist) and they gave me an in-person-by-zoom report once it was ready. That said, it took another four months and the threat of reporting them to the state to get them to send me the text of the eval (in part because the evaluator left the clinic unexpectedly with my formal report not yet written). But that's something that's truly impossible to know until you're working with them, and highly unusual, so don't let concerns about that deter you. If you end up in that situation come hit me up and I'll tell you how I dealt with that.

My eval recommended an executive function coach, but if I haven't been able to func it by now I never will, so I thanked them for the recommendation and went looking for a psychiatrist unaffiliated with the clinic to prescribe me meds. There, the key words you're going to be looking for are again "adult adhd" but also "adult disability" and if you want medication that's less likely to be a huge fucking hassle, "medication management". My psychiatrist and I meet every two months to reup my prescription, but he doesn't require me to take a regular drug test or meet him in person in order to get a new scrip, as some people have encountered. We meet in person once or twice a year (I can't remember, it's due to a legal requirement in Illinois) but otherwise it's over zoom.

So yeah -- it's a process, but there are ways to streamline and manage it, and a few tripwires in place to make sure you don't end up screwed by the system. Definitely feel free to ask if you have questions, either here or if you want a more indepth conversation you can email me at copperbadge@gmail.com. GOOD LUCK!

[polyhexian]

TW: Suicide

You've got that headcanon that Hunter makes a few suicide attempts after Belos's defeat; how would that factor into the eventually au?

Does he not attempt it cuz instead he just shoves so much of his self-loathing onto Jasper that first year after? Or cuz having his dad around in general just helps somehow?

Does he try it like he did in your Loving is Letting Go fic but instead of calling Camila he calls Jasper? Does he still call Camila, but she calls Jasper instead of Darius? Does she still call Darius and then Hunter doesn't want them to tell Jasper this happened because he feels awful about it but it's like, dude, there's no way your dad isn't going to find out about this?

Jasper having to deal with the realization that while he feels like he's dead, and he wishes he had died, and he's so, so tired of existing, he can't stop yet because apparently his son is having some similar issues and if this happens again Jasper is probably the only person who'd be able to locate him, teleport to him, and heal him all in 60 seconds tops.

OKAY SO IVE BEEN ROTATING THIS IN MY HEAD ALL DAY

There's a couple of sort of "Nate draikinator fanon canon" things like, hunter has killed three people and who they are, vee tried to kill him once, he tried to kill himself that one time and called Camila for help when he changed his mind. Lots of little things that I generally repeat unless I have a specific reason to change them.

I definitely think he still does it. He's come out of an extreme trauma and he's adjusting to a new normal and it's completely to be expected he's going to have wild and violent emotional swings as he tries to come to terms with everything that has happened to him. A lot of it IS guilt, that he feels like a massive burden who is never going to recover and he's just going to ruin the lives of anyone who cares about him (just like he ruined Jasper's) and that's terrifying and heavy and soul crushing and miserable. And one bad night he just snaps and makes a very poor spontaneous decision in a manic depressive spiral of self destruction. But he still changes his mind at the last minute and calls for help.

And I think he's still calling Camila. He's not thinking clearly but she's an emotional rock for him he relies on and he's going to call her. Then we have her dilemma: call Darius or Jasper? Both can teleport, but jasper is an incredibly skilled healer.

But he's also incredibly unstable, and she doesn't know if she can trust him to keep his cool jumping into the old throne room when it's covered in hunters blood. So she calls Darius. And when HE gets there he realizes it's Pretty Bad and calls jasper. Even tho hunter is like noooo noooo don't call him noooo. And jasper pops in and there's only like one second where Darius actually recognizes him as present and afraid and himself before he fully locks down into serious GG mode and drops to his knees.

So MEDICAL MAGIC STUFF he tells Darius to hold pressure because he can't heal the wounds yet until he gets as much blood as he can back in him, because you can't just regrow blood, so he's immediately drawing circles so that blood gets pulled off the ground and out of his clothes and he's basically picking it apart to filter out particulates and dirt or anything before he can put any back in, and only some of it is good since some is already old cuz hes been here awhile. And hunter is crying and apologizing and jasper literally is not even acknowledging him. He's fully 100% on task. Refills what he can and heals the cuts but advises Darius that he could still die of exsanguination without a blood specialist, and then says he is too low on magic to translocate two people so he has to take hunter to the hospital without him, and tells him like "you're going to tell them he's a stage 2 triage, massive blood loss from radial artery damage, and that you want to see [name], the resident blood specialist and NOT [name] because she hates him and can't be trusted with his life" and Darius obviously has like a moment he tries to argue but jasper like. He's in GG mode. He knows how to deliver an order.

Which leaves him sitting there on his knees in front of the throne in the dark soaked in hunters blood

Just like. Staring at nothing. Because jasper is 100% not home right now

Or also maybe he's fixing up hunters blood and realizes there's not enough clean blood here to save his life so without even missing a beat he tears off a sleeve, ties a tourniquet around his arm and pulls it tight with his teeth and then cuts himself open just to get some for him. Darius horrified like the fuck are you DOING and jasper just completely deadpan informing him that their blood is completely identical like twins so he can safely use his and he can safely lose quite a bit of blood himself before hes in trouble, so it's only makes sense. And besides he can heal himself when he's done. It's not a big deal. Obviously.

So like. Hunter's good. He's safe. Darius is gonna bring him to a hospital anyway tho. Obviously. But jasper is just like. Not fucking home rn. He's truly going through it. He's already convinced HE'S dead. And jasper has never struggled with suicidal or self harm thoughts in his life, any time he has ever hurt himself was for a reason. He can't possibly fathom what hunter is going through because it is so DIFFERENT from his experience. But he knows he waited too long, he didn't even save hunter, Luz did, and it was too late because he has everything he needs now and he still wants to die. He should have acted sooner. He should have taken the risk that hunter would get killed if he tried to liberate him sooner because he waited too long and it's too late.

And also hunter called CAMILA and Camila called DARIUS. Not him. Hunter didn't call him even though he can teleport and heal. Not even Camila called him despite the fact he can teleport and heal. Hunter is dying and he doesn't call him for help. He calls his mom who can't even help him instead. He's just going to be so utterly crushed by this. Meanwhile Hunter is struggling with the kind of overwhelming shame and humiliation that comes with an aborted suicide attempt. And he doesn't want to see jasper because he's terrified to see him, he feels like- like he broke his whole life and he can't even be grateful for it, jasper sacrificed everything for him and Hunter tried to just throw it in the trash and he's ashamed of that and guilty and miserable.

And jasper is STILL just sitting where he got left staring at the throne and sitting on his knees covered in his and hunters blood.

I literally cannot give eventually jasper a fucking BREAK, can i

[itsaspectrumcomic]

hi im really sorry to bother you, and obvs you dont need to answer this at all im just some internet guy lol but do you think i could get some advice?

so ive been diagnosed with autism for like, 5 years (was diagnosed p late, in comparison to others) and im beginning to have some real goddamn big suspicions that i Also have adhd (because. yaknow. the gift that keeps on giving yk? lol). i have a lot of really major issues with executive dysfunction that is directly impacting schoolwork and also a lot of stuff in my life, generally. ive also got a lot of memory issues nd junk

and the thing is; ive got a therapist, but due to a whole slew of things im really scared to like, bring this up with her yk? and, like, im a minor so i cant exactly just seek it out myself yk? and i cant really talk to my parents about it because my mom is a very specific kind of vaguely ableist and my dad generally just isnt involved with that whole section of my being, yk? like, he doesnt manage any of my therapy, aside from bringing me to appointments when my mother isnt available.

and like, ive brought certain things UP to my therapist before and it went mostly ok, aside from one pretty distressing misunderstanding but it feels different for this one because i really do need medication for this, i feel. and thats a whole thing with my mother specifically, since at the start of the whole diagnosis process she outright refused the idea of medication and like. idk man, im so super sorry to write a whole bullshit essay when you're literally just vibing but yk. idk who else to ask lol, and you seem like you know what youre doing i guess?

real sorry. thanks in advance. insert other applicable signoff message here

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Your therapist should be someone you can talk to about things like this but I understand being anxious about it. Are you afraid to bring it up because she's said ableist/anti-adhd stuff in the past or you have reason to suspect she won't help? If that's the case I really recommend trying to get a different therapist if you can. You deserve a therapist you feel safe sharing things like this with.

If it's impacting schoolwork it might be worth talking to your teachers to see if there's any additional support you can get from them. You don't have to tell them you suspect ADHD if you don't want to, you can just tell them you've been struggling with certain aspects of school and hopefully they can help. School is hard for lots of people so know you're not alone.

It might be different where you live, but in the UK you're able to make your own doctors appointments if you're over 16 so asking a doctor about getting a referral for a diagnosis/medication could be an option as well. Although waiting lists for that are incredibly long at the moment - I've personally been waiting nearly a year just to get an appointment 🙃

In the meantime, have you heard of How to ADHD on YouTube? Her channel has lots of videos with advice and various discussions about living with ADHD which you might find helpful.

Sorry I don't know if that helped much but I hope you're able to get support soon!

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen, i just followed you and this is really random but ive seen some of your posts helping younger people and it really struck a cord and i need to just let the words fall out of me.

ive been having issues with my girlfriend she cheated on me but this situation is very complicated and we're both fucked up people but i know she still loves me and i really love her. but my anxiety and our lack of communication is really bad right now and im so worried she might not love me the same anymore

ontop of this im 18 and for the past id say 5ish years my mental health and family life has been getting worse, getting diagnosis is hard especially with mentally ill and just overall bad parents that somehow dont understand or believe. i know im deppresed and have been i have anxiety, sever paranoia maybe bpd and bipolar and autism and everything is just so much. now the one person i had is something thats making everything hurt more and i just don't know where to go, im trying to get help but its so slow in this country and i feel so lost and tired i barely eat now and when i do its ether rare or unhealthy and everything is so much i want to collapse.

i hope this isn't to much to randomly send anonymously but you just seem really kind and helpful. thank u for your reply if you do

HI and please accept my apologies for the delay on answering this. I am sorry you are going through so much. My kids are adopted from foster care and I had many kids in my home for up to 5 years who eventually went back home. That is to say I have a lot of experience with mental illness, the systems that treat them, trauma and kids who came from unstable home lives.

At the ripe old age of 18 you have plenty of time to find love and contentment but right now might not be the time. I understand there might be odd circumstances that caused your girlfriend to cheat on you. If you feel betrayed and lost trust that is a feeling that is next to impossible to overcome for people with no comorbidities let alone a teen trying to figure herself out and deal with navigating the broken mental health/care system.

It is actually quite normal for young love to change and get redefined into friendship even when the circumstance are the best. Her cheating on you might very well be a sign that your relationship is in flux and not what you thought it was. A romance that has run its course is not a failure, relationships do not have to last forever to be important and real and worth having had.

It might be scary to think of not being with her, of not having your "one" person that you can count on but I do believe you can get farther working on yourself if you put time and energy into you and not dividing it up between you and her.

There is a lot of precedent set for women to set aside their romance and intimacy in order to be just friends while one or both does some work on herself. Sometimes it is necessary to stay involved for emotional support or financial support, that is just the reality of our world. Living single can be very difficult.

Please consider letting go of the relationship in its current form and putting your energy of yourself. Letting go of the stress of trying to repair what you had with her will remove so much pressure from you and from her that you will feel much more ready to tackle your mental state.

I promise. You are not a failure, she is not "the bad guy" in this story. Take all the wonderful things you shared with her keep those with you when you want a reminder that it loving her was worth your time even if it didn't end like you planned.

Seek mental health help but starting small. A therapist can help you begin to talk through things and often she can help you find additional resources like a medical Dr, public subsidies for insurance or free clinics to assist you in getting medication and mental health support. Most counties have a social services office and those employees are a wealth of information.

[friendlyengie]

Heyo thought I’d drop some random tf2 hcs and stuff cause of ur post :D

- scout and Pyro get along really well and scout will draw for pyro. Scout likes them cause he seems to actually listen to scout talk

- Engineer is pretty oblivious when it comes to people having feelings for him and hes (kinda accidentally) decent at flirting tho

- Engineer is like a father figure to scout and it makes spy really jealous lol

- Demo is really good at karaoke

- Since spy is good at finding this out about people based on body language etc. he knows exactly who has crushes on who in the base and he thinks it’s SO OBVIOUS but it’s not to the rest of them and he’s really close to just screaming at everyone that they’re blind and to just kiss already. He’s just forced to watch all these pining idiots dance around each other and he hates it

- Heavy and Medic have a book club that is just the two of them

- Scout would be a good dad later in life if he had a kid

ohohhoho interesting. Cracks my knuckles.

-scout and pyro friendship truther until I DIE. I find the idea of scout going from being terrified of this weird “thing” to just being besties with Pyro kind of hilarious. I think they can both do art pretty well actually! I like to think they run around towns and do graffiti together.

-Nodding at this. I also think it helps that (to me) hes naturally very friendly and polite because of how he was raised and like half of the people on his team havent heard anything nice from another human being since they were actual children (if that.) Is he good at flirting or are your standards dangerously low? Is it both? Great question!

-Ive always seen engineer as more of a low-maintenance uncle figure to scout If That. They’re just kind of a pretty standard close older dude with a lot of life experience and younger dude with fuck all going on friendship to me. and tbh ive never. Really been able to get behind the idea of spy being “jealous” of any sort of relationship Scout has with other mercs. Whether it’s him being weirded out by father standins or judgemental of potential partners. I don’t think he doesn’t have a weird relationship with seeing scout bond with the other mercs but i feel like it’s just sort of. Idk. A little more of a unique issue for him.

-Accepted. Though i think “good” for him ranges from “genuinely good singing” to “loud, overconfident, and having a great time getting half of the lyrics wrong.”

-As much as I think it would be fun if spy was surprisingly emotionally dense, i cant deny his canonical skills in that sort of field. That’s like. His whole game. I think his approach to trying to help anyone with romance is “he wont unless youre prepared to basically just inflate his ego for the sake of a few tips.” A la expiration date.

-no doubt in my mind that heavy and medic dont agree with a single thing that the other gleams from reading books. Said with love. They will argue about meanings and subtext and the value of interpretation until it sounds like someone’s about to file for divorce and then end with “so same time next week ^_^?”

-I will be so honest with you. I do not know if i could ever see scout being a father, much less a good one NDGSKHJDKNJJ.

Actually . Hm. Thinking about it. I could. SEE it in a sense. I think he would have some good steps to go off of because of his Mom. Unsure of how good his ma’s parenting was but she at least was very caring toward her kids. He’d have that. But i think he’d have to be a lot more emotionally mature to be able to process how his own current issues with dads and fatherhood would healthily translate into being a dad himself. I could see him being really laid back and maybe a little too “im not just your parent, im your friend,” and any hypothetical kid he has would Not take his ass seriously. I think having to parent a teenager would kill him.

[ressing]

More about mass effect ocs pls?

ah right, thank you for the reminder sorry im so late lol i cant remember their names or if i even thought of names for any of them, but i was super into them for a time

human spectre because of course, didnt like how things devolved into politics too much with the council, spectres werent just spies they were also sent out on help missions and were like the vigilantes of the galaxy, or so she had thought but then it was red tape and you cant do this or that because itll look bad toward potiental allies blah blah so she stole her own ship back from dock at the citidel and basically went off on her own to form a crew and try to help like she always thought they were supposed to. side note 3 characters in and i remember the basis, its after me3 and shepard has destroyed the reapers and now while the galaxy and the citadel are rebuilding opportunistic space pirates start entering the system and taking out refugee convoys and medical ships and the council instead of doing anything refuse to try to fix the problem because any acts of aggression in the newly reforming civilizaed galaxy will almost guaranteed to result in a all out war.

the asari, the tech specalist who cant do much biotics unlike most asari, was passed up as a spectre due to a hot streak and just worked for c sec or whatever they were called ill be real its been YEARS since ive really written them all dow, but when the human spectre gets thrown in the brig for telling the council off and basically going rogue in their eyes they meet because she in charge of the cells that day lol, but some big speech about justice and being able to tell your bosses to fuck off shouldnt land you in jail and she agrees and helps the spectre break out but they both kinda realize that this is like... the end of their lives on the citadel and will be wanted fugitives from here on out but its better then sitting twiddling their thumbs while the galaxy goes to shit.

the turian quarian, quarian fleet finds a turian ship adrift and are going abuot searching it and clearing it out to add it to the flotilla as a new ship (i dont know if quarians actually do this but yolo) and onboard they find a baby turian and one of the search party kinda.. adopts her, doesnt wanna give her up due to her own issues with having kids and wanting to have a family she sorta puppy dog eyes everyone into letting her keep this baby, but of course being kept in sterile enviroments all the time your immune system tends to shut down and she started needing the full suits like quarians do. she joined the crew after on the citadel (during the daring escape/steal a ship mission the spectre does) after being saved by a different quarian and then talked into joining. was getting a lot of shit about her being a turian playing dress up as a quarian but shes fully like "uh but i am a quarian see the suit i was born on the flotilla?" joins the crew as a way to help find who she really is (soul searching quest)

the other quarian, this quarian is a biotic (which i also dont know if quarians can be but yolo) and only found out when he and his like best friend are sent on their quarian life mission thing to bring back to the flotilla, but his best friend came onto him and when he rejected her she flipped and like attacked him and he was just trying to hold her back honest he didnt mean his biotics to go off like that she was his best friend of course he wasnt TRYING to kill her it was an accident! so then hes on the citadel hiding in shady bars and back alleys kinda stepping into random muggings and assaults to try to redeem himself to himself and steps into the turian quarian getting mugged and saves her and is afterward also recruited to the ship by the spectre.

THE KROGAN now this one im upset about because i cant remember his name and its so GOOD HES THE BEST him and the turian quarian are my favorites. he was doing that puberty ritual against the giant worm, you know grunts best mission, and like during three when you walk through old krogan ruins and you find out they were this smart race before destorying themselves and their world in nuclear war? yeah well this krogan found out the same thing, during his giant worm fight it caused an earthquake and he was swallowed up into the ruins of his homeworld, thought dead his teammates left him and he just sorta steeled himself and went about trying to survive and get out. took a while for his eyes to get used to the darkness and after years and years in the dark his eyes are like only used to the dark now so he wears riddick style glasses. but he also found all these old ruins and books and poems and writing and religion and after years of being down there he suddenly had found a den of those weird lizard dogs vulvas or whatever their called vespas thats it, he managed to like tame the pack using recovered knowledge from the ruins and used them to lead him back out of the darkness through their own tunnels. hes now a messiah like dude on the citadel doing preaching about non violence but uh.. isnt against using violence to achieve non violence. argue it with him and he will headbutt you until you agree not to be violent, see there he was right all along, the strongest gets to say what goes and hes stronger and he says get the fuck along. his name was a one word holy esqe word like redemption or resolution or something and IM SO MAD I CANT REMEMBER HES THE BEST ONE just picture a big krogan guy in heavy armor but also draped in like a toga with a pack of VARREN (i remembered) and also little black sunglass/goggle thing. he joined the spectre on the promise that theyre gonna make the galaxy safer and better for everyone

the salarian, female salarian which are usually guarded on the homeworld for breeding or whatever that lore was, really hated the whole idea of being kept safe or like doing medical or science work, so she sorta jumped ship and became an arms dealer, you see this huge hulking krogan sized armor walking toward you and the visor opens up and its this fucking frog thing half your size and not even half the size of a krogan, jumping around doing scrobatics is boring and tiring and really if i can just wear my huge custom made armor ill never be hit by a bullet ever!

a biotic volus who works like a merchant for the group offering quests and discounts to friends (the crew) just asks for passage occasionally, always seems nervous and kinda shady, just wants to be safe from pirates stealing his goods and wants the galaxy back in working order and these guys seem to be doing a better job making space safer for someone dealing in moving vast quantities of merchandise around.

and finally on the ship are the stoways; a batarian and a "freed" (hacked) geth, they are actually kinda up there in rank space pirates in their own regard and realized when they were in a bad spot so played along as crew members wanting to bring peace to the galaxy too while sending out info to the space pirates they know will be around and tip them off something is happening

the geth has stickers all over it and graffiti and is only like half itself, its like half locked down by the batarian chick to be a body guard thing, if it could control itself it would most likely stick with her as it does actually like her but would probably be more vocal about disagreeing with some aspects of their "jobs"

the batarian was just some girl because i went "you dont see females of these species often so ill make one of my ocs that, and she will be a cool lesbian pirate hanging out with a cool geth"

[aroace-poly-show]

tell me everything about your ocs. please

YES OMG

so we have a few choices here!!! some are more developed than others simply bc i thought about them more but theres at least a little bit of lore for everyone here!! ill add an asterisk* besides those who arent fully fleshed out :]

ill be adding a summary of them beside them :]

notes: its a fantasy world (bc i find them more fun to do since i can just go apeshit with designs and loreand shit) so very few of these guys are just human, most are some kind of species which ill specify beside them so just ask for more details if you’re curious!!

these are also not *full* summaries im leaving out some stuff so ask if you want anything specific elaborated on!! (please ask im so so happy to explain ive had this in my head for months and ive told exactly one person so im more than happy to keep ranting)

—————

vesper: one of the first ones i actually thought up, pretty traumatized older brother to rumi!! has issues with dealing with grief and guilt over his dead bf. tree/plant person (i never gave any official names, but just think of those “[insert thing] as a person” designs!!), specifically based off a cherry blossom tree!! (im planning to draw his quick ref sheet next :D), has a big big sword!!

rumi: vesper’s younger sister!! also traumatized lol, main event that caused it was the same thing as vesper (it was this big deal i can go more into detail on later, its their motivations for like 90% of what they do), dealing with issues after essentially being left to cope and (try to, it didn’t exactly work out the best;;) all by herself/growing up too fast after mentioned event. even though shes younger shes taller than vesper and will never not make fun of him for it. very playful with her brother!! has a big big battle axe that i had so much fun drawing. also tree person, shes based off a willow tree :D, but shes missing her branch/antler thingies.

unma*: dead bf. liiiiitle bit of a femboy. he was really kind to vesper and loved him a lot and FEELS SO BAD about what happened. literally all he wants in his afterlife is for vesper to MOVE THE FUCK ON. desperately just wants vesper to be happy again even though hes dead and gone. honestly same goes for rumi, even though they werent as close as vesper and unma had been, rumi still really cared for him and looked up to him and feels awful about his death, and unma here just wants them both to stop holding on so tight to what happened, move on as best they can, and be happy again. (they’re both getting there eventually tho <3)

dorian: friends with ebony!! also vespers new very very loving bf (although where i left off in my lil imagined storyline theyre not OFFICIAL just yet bc technically in the storyline i havent gotten to that point, but i do already have many interactions imagined already lol), also in turns becomes friends w/ rumi :D. really nice guy, a wandering medic/healer who generally prefers to not kill anyone or attack unprovoked (but he will make exceptions,,,), has some guilt associated with those he couldn’t save, but handles it MUCH better than vesper… (but to be fair its not a very high bar to cross), carries around an umbrella that doubles as a fighting staff. really devoted to helping as many people as he can. as shown in the ref sheet, while i, again, dont have like any official name for his kind hes got those horns and a tail!! (mostly bc i enjoy drawing them hehe)

ebony*: very shy and really really sweet spider girl who lives in a library with a ghost boy!! shes actually trans :D. honestly a little bit of an anxious mess, similar personality to sucrose (genshin) and kohane (project sekai). aside from the ghost kid she lives with, she doesnt talk to many people, and doesnt have much contact with her family since they didnt have a great reaction to her coming out. theyre also kind of overbearing. for her design, honestly shes incredibly similar to muffet from undertale.

ghost kid*: sorry i have like,,, so little on him. i swear i had a name for him but ive COMPLETELY forgotten. if you have name suggestions give me them pls. i do remember how he died though, feel free to ask about that since it technically involves the town ebony lives in too. i do know he has a cute lil paper crown though <3

weiss: mature lesbian gal. shes pretty smart and serious and especially enjoys working with mechanical stuff. literally made herself a fucking gun. what a girlboss. she used to work as a doctor bc she really wanted to help her partner who has a pretty serious illness, but the place she worked for ended up doing pretty fucked up stuff “in the name of research” and she unwittingly helped in those projects. feels really guilty for it but shes still determined to find someway to save her partner. technically on the run with said partner, and they do lil shows together!!

jex: weiss’s partner!!! originally they were inspired by that specific kind of childish character where theyre like “lets play a game heehee!!!” *tries to fucking murder you* “what a fun game :D” (i love these kinds of characters), but theyre not exactly that extreme. however they do really enjoy doing incredibly risky things acting like its a game. just straight up gambles with death constantly bc they find it exciting. their illness really held them back when they were younger, pretty much never allowed to do anything by their parents since they were trying to extend their lifespan by as much as possible, and they felt like they missed out a lot on just enjoying the life they did have, so thats their goal for the rest of their life. they’ve mostly accepted their inevitable death (which pisses weiss the fuck off) and they really just want to enjoy the time they do have with their loved ones doing what they find fun. they also have a big fucking double scythe. because i was gonna give somebody here a synth and rumi already had the battle axe.

—————

those are all the characters that i can remember so far, if im missing one ill do an update lol

THIS IS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT ITD BE HELP

again, feel free to ask any questions id love to answer them

[raspberryconverse]

Poly RomCom Moments: Beau #1

I met Beau #1 on Feeld (because that's where I meet most of the people I date). We had been talking for awhile and he actually became sort of my poly mentor. We finally met IRL the day my spouse almost divorced me (long story, we're fine now) and he bought me tacos to comfort me, kissed me in his car after I assured him it wouldn't be weird even though I was having marital issues (and it definitely wasn't). He was the first person I slept with after my spouse and I opened our relationship.

Our second "date" was not really a date. He texted me to tell me he was in the hospital. He has an autoimmune disease and asthma. He was having a really bad asthma flareup that landed him in the hospital (the man needs to quit smoking!). I work from home, so since his wife was at work, I took my laptop with me and kept him company that afternoon.

The thing was, they had him on a ton of medication. I'm not even sure what all he was, but he was really high. And really horny. He spent most of the time I was there trying to convince me to have sex with him. We did make out a little and I let him feel me up a bit, but there was no way I was having sex in a hospital.

"But [girlfriend] had sex with me in the hospital once! [Wife] wouldn't do it, but [girlfriend] did!"

"Hey, now that they don't have me on an IV, I can actually use the bathroom! I could really use a shower, but I think I might need help..."

I ended up meeting his wife that day. We hadn't been seeing each other that long and she was really sweet about it. She didn't want to come by if it was going to make me uncomfortable. The day had already been interesting, so sure, why not meet the wife? After all, she gave me detailed instructions on how to find the reception desk so I could visit him in the first place.

When she came by, she brought him a sandwich from somewhere and actually brought me a root beer. I don't like root beer, but I really appreciated the sentiment. She noticed I was wearing a shirt from the Windy City Rollers (local roller derby league) and we chatted about it. I used to play for the Brewcity Bruisers (Milwaukee) rec league. She thought that was pretty badass. All in all, she was really lovely and made meeting my first metamour nowhere near as awkward as I thought it was going to be, especially since this was literally the third time I had seen her husband.

He was released the next day and I saw him the day after that. It was probably not a good idea because I nearly killed him 😂 He had to take a break and use his nebulizer. There have been several times he's had to stop and use his inhaler, but that's really because he needs to quit smoking.

I totally brag about that all the time. I mean, when you literally take someone's breath away during sex, it makes you sound pretty skilled.

[brokebuckkmountain]

I'm gonna bitch under the cut cause I think I met an actual evil nurse today and I've been in pain for hours

I've had an ongoing medical issue for months. Been to the doctor and ER a ton of times, today one doc even expressed concern over how many CT scans I'd undergone in such a short period of time and how much blood I've had drawn. I've just moved, so I've been going to ER's until I can get in with a primary care physician.

A few days ago, the doctor at the clinic near my home had to cut open and clean out the part of my body where I've had ongoing issues. That's about as vague as I can keep it. They numbed me, gave me morphine, and told me even with all of that, it would be a super painful procedure because of how sensitive this area is and they were really sorry. I kind of teared up but toughed it out because I have a thing about crying in public.

Today I had to go to a different location for my check-up. Everything went well, but it was the end of the shift change, and the nurse helping me told me her coworker was in a massive rush to get home and kept stopping her from being able to do my paperwork. This guy comes in the room and says he needs to re-pack my wound. I told him my OG doctor said I didn't need to re-pack it (she actually said "with this sort of thing, normally you have to re-pack every few days, but I won't have you do that, that's just cruel, this is such a sensitive part of the body"). He said I had to do it anyways and I "was tough enough to handle it", reclined my seat and started immediately (first nurse was literally still in the middle of removing my IV).

I cannot describe to y'all how painful this was. I had told them about the morphine and numbing shot last time, but he kept insisting I'd be fine. This was the second most painful thing I've ever experienced (real ones know when a surgeon left a cotton swab inside of my face after a surgery 11 years ago). I was full body shaking and crying uncontrollably, the original nurse dropped what she was doing and ran over to hold my hand and tell me to breathe and try to talk me through it. My brother was in the room watching and holding my other hand; he agreed this guy was being extremely aggressive and just shoving the shit under my skin. He used significantly more of the gauze than the last time and just kept fucking shoving. Then he stood there holding the gauze and going "I don't have scissors, go find me scissors", talking with his hands and thereby yanking the gauze around inside me and causing even more pain. He grabbed a pair of pliers and said he would just twist the gauze with them til it broke, the other nurse went "NO!" and darted off to find actual scissors. Then, as they were bandaging the area, he starts asking my brother "how did they do it last time" "what material did they use" "does this like right to you". Like he- doesn't know how to dress a wound? Every time I could catch my breath I was apologizing for crying so much and the other nurse was really sweetly trying to cheer me up while this dude just stared blankly at me. The weirdest part was, even after I was done and all packed up, at random points he would walk up and just shove on the gauze to really pack it in I guess? And I would have to stop talking mid-sentence (answering discharge questions) because the pain was so overwhelming. At one point he mentioned how some of the gauze has to be left out, and I half-heartedly joked to my brother "oh I have a tail again huh?". This man flicked the gauze "tail" and went "yup". This was around the point I forced myself to stop crying because every part of me was thinking "this sick fuck is doing this on purpose". I don't know if he was, or if that's just my past experiences rearing their ugly heads up, but I refuse to cry in front of someone who's getting off on it. Finally the dude looked at me for the first time, and really coldly said "wow I guess that really hurt you. sorry" with a shrug. Just very insincere, like he thought it was funny.

My OG nurse was super sweet, kept throwing compliments at me and trying to cheer me up, and I just tried to wipe away with mess of tears off my face and went home.

This was weird, right? Like, maybe the guy wasn't intentionally causing me as much pain as possible, and he really just wanted to up and go home, but he was still so unnervingly aggressive. Even my brother was really upset at how unnecessarily rough it was. I don't know what to even think. I've been in physical pain for hours and I also feel just, emotionally drained. Like I've always been kind of freaked out with doctors offices and dentists and this just made it so much worse. Like, am I overreacting or does this seem like really bad practice. Idk.

[skadee17]

IV- Far from everything

Self-reflection, that really characterizes my life. The past year has been catastrophic; between medical school and the end of the world, I would have preferred to stay at the university. Working, helping people, that's what helped me cope after my father's death. I missed him so much that I immersed myself in studies. But what good did it do, after all?

Now, I'm killing more people than I'm saving, and sometimes, I even wonder if the medical student Bella still exists. That girl, that's not me anymore. She disappeared a long time ago, yet I keep clinging to her. At least she was human. Even though life was complicated, she kept hope and tried to get through it.

Human? Am I still one? Are all the problems we face simply the result of our actions, and if the people we were simply hid behind this survivor label? And what if? Damn it, Bella, you think too much. Stop thinking, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I've been anxious since I was little, and nothing has ever been able to stop this torment. Over time, I learned to live with it, and I spent the following years trying to tame it. But no one can, and it's really awful. I have to stop dwelling like a lunatic escaped from the asylum. Although, maybe I would have fit in there, who knows.

Alicia entered the cabin, pulling me out of my thoughts. I thanked her inwardly; she just saved me from an infernal psychosis. Then Nick entered, as if they had coordinated, or as if there was a meeting I wasn't aware of. I'd prefer they just get bored and seek my company, but I doubt it. Nick sat on a bunk, and Alicia took out her knife, spinning it around in all directions. If I thought I was the only one with a psychological issue, I now realize it's definitely a family thing.

It didn't take long for my mother to arrive, her forced cheerfulness visible on her face, as stiff as someone working in a morgue.

It was Nick who broke the ice:

"These people don't want us."

"Most don't care," replied my mother, "we'll convince the reluctant ones."

"You want to convince Troy?" I teased her.

"I'll eventually get there," she continued, "in the meantime, keep your distance from him."

"I'm not sure I can do that, and you, Bella, I don't like how he looks at you," growled my brother.

I knew my brother was protective of Alicia and me, but that remark bothered me. I'm not five years old anymore, and I know who I'm dealing with. I've encountered guys like Troy a lot in medical school, pretentious jerks convinced they're the best human beings on Earth. And on top of that, an ego bigger than the moon, unfortunately.

"Well, you'll have to make an effort. He can get angry for no reason; you've seen it, he can't control himself," said my mother. 

"Okay, but if we stay, we have to find a solution," he demanded. 

"What does that mean? Don't do anything stupid, Nick. He's already got you in his sights; don't give him another reason," I warned. 

"I'll find a solution," pleaded my mother. 

"Wait, explain it, Nick. What's your solution? Do you want my knife? Are you going to use it?" asked my sister. 

"All I'm saying is we should start over somewhere else. We could find a house, cultivate the land. We don't have to stay in this place, that's all." 

"You're a farmer now?" I mocked. 

"We're not going to leave," insisted my mother.

 "Why?" 

"We're not leaving!" she insisted. 

"Why are you so convinced that we have to stay here, Mom?" 

"Because it's our only hope, because we won't find anything better, because we pulled you out of that hole, and it cost Travis his life," my mother exclaimed.

My heart shattered into pieces. I never thought she could say something so horrible, and the worst part was that I didn't even know if she meant it or not. We had all changed; we had become ruthless beings, but family was all we had left. Sometimes, I felt like I was facing strangers, especially my mother. She had a knack for destroying everything she touched, which is why I had decided to go as far away from her as possible for my studies. But despite everything, we were still a family, for better or for worse. It was a pact, whether we liked it or not; we were together against the hell of this world.

Alicia left first, and I followed closely. That meeting had come to an end. But before passing through the door, I turned around to warn my mother:

"Never say something like that again, because we all know it's false. You want revenge? Fine, me too. But look your son in the face and question yourself. If you think it's his fault, then you're no better than those who actually killed him."

Without a word, I walked out the door, a lump in my throat and a pain in my chest. What had we become?

A few minutes later, Alicia and I were outside by a paddock with horses before Nick joined us.

"Are you going to ride?" I asked my sister. 

"Dad often took me to the equestrian center," she sighed, "no, I don't feel like it. I'm waiting for Gretchen to go to my first Bible study class. If we're staying, efforts need to be made. You're both invited," she clarified, looking at both of us.

"So, that's it? Is that what you both want? You want to stay?" 

"No," I replied, "but we don't have a choice. You know how it is outside, and I don't want to lose someone else I love. So maybe it's not so bad," I hinted.

"Sorry for what Mom said," my sister added. "She's not wrong," replied Nick. "It's not the time to have a conscience."

With these words, Alicia turned around and headed towards the group of young people. I knew she was no longer a little girl; she was strong and independent. But every time I heard her say things like that, I couldn't help but think that I hadn't managed to protect her from all of this, my little sister...

Nick and I remained together for a while before I decided to leave. I think the three of us needed some time alone. Things seemed so complicated; the more time passed, the more I felt far from everything. Far from myself, far from who I once was, far from who I could be.

While walking, a woman approached me to ask for help with the crops. Having nothing else to do, I agreed and followed her towards the fields. During the journey, we talked about us, our lives, and mainly about her children, whom she introduced to me right away.

Once we arrived in the fields below the ranch, I saw Jack talking to a man who was partially hidden by him. I didn't pay attention and went to get my gardening tools from a nearby shed.

Upon my return, I finally managed to distinguish the man Jack was talking to, and it was none other than Troy. With him around, I would feel completely confident. Is it wise to leave tools in the hands of that lunatic?

We exchanged a glance; he had an inquisitive look. What could Jack have told him to put him in that state?

The woman named Nella explained to me what I needed to do. I immediately started the task after her instructions and took no breaks except to hydrate. It was hot in that region, so I decided to take off my shirt and stay in a tank top.

But from being crouched down to unearth the vegetables, my knees were on fire. So, I decided to stand up and glanced at Troy, but he had disappeared. Good riddance, I despised that guy.

Suddenly, a man stood in front of me, quite tall and muscular, wearing military attire. Probably a militia guy. I asked him: "Can I help you?"

 "It's for you to tell me," he replied. 

"I don't understand? Where are you going with this?" The man looked me up and down, licking his lips as he did so. What a pig!

 "I'm a little hungry, you see, and you're like a little candy," he insisted.

Feeling uncomfortable, I moved away from him. "Go to hell, you pig!" I shouted.

Damn jerk, he wasn't even trying to be respectful. What did he think? That making more than inappropriate insinuations would drive me crazy and make me sleep with him?

I walked back up the ranch road when a hand grabbed my wrist and led me into the stables. Panicked, I tried to struggle before hearing:

"Calm down, it's me."I turned around and saw Troy, his hand gripping my wrist. 

"Damn it, Troy! Are you out of your mind? You scared the hell out of me!" I attacked. 

"Calm down, Bella, it's just me. Are you okay? You don't seem alright," he asked concerned.Was he worried about me? Definitely not, not a sociopath like him. 

"I'm fine, let go of me now!" 

"What's wrong? You seem annoyed," he irritatedly asked. 

"Not at all, everything's fine. What's it to you?"He stared at me for a few seconds, and I saw anger in his eyes. Then, in a dry tone, he replied: 

"Absolutely nothing."

I stayed there, in the stables, alone with myself, and of course, the few horses in their boxes, who also didn't understand this altercation. He seemed angry, worried, but why? Certainly not for me; he couldn't have seen the scene with that creep; he wasn't there. What just happened, exactly?

[enigmasalad]

I want to reblog with my experience cause seeing these things horrify me and I am so grateful with the way my mother has handled stuff with medical stuff.

So a bit of Info, I have a rare autoimmune disorder called hyper IGE, aka Jobs syndrome. Growing up Hyper IGE didn’t have a lot of studies and info until my mid to late teens. So basically age 2-16 my mother was told I was going to not live to thirty. However we found out in my mid to late teens that I have the kind that you don’t die early. So for a big chunk of my life my mom was told one of her kids was gonna be gone before thirty, so you’d think she’d be intense when it came to medical stuff.

She wasn’t unless it was defending me or getting me the help she needed.

With hyper IGE comes skin issues, including insanely thick skin that’s seen as “scarred skin” despite it not being scars. When I get blood work I have to have an ultrasound on my veins because 9/10 medical professionals can’t find a vein. I’m usually stuck 4 to 5 times before people give up or find something.

When I was 2 (I don’t remember any of this btw I was 2 for goodness sake), a pediatric nurse at a hospital where I was getting lab work done was angry and she squeezed my face and shouted at me while trying to stick me. My mom lost it and went mama bear and got me out of there while telling the other doctors and medical professionals what happened.

My mom after that had always been supportive whenever I felt discomfort with bloodwork and needles and after four sticks she always let me call it quits and we try again another time, or until the doctors got something to numb it.

She also was always supportive whenever I got vaccines and medicine via injection. She would hold my hand whenever I wanted it or she would try to distract me and sometimes made me laugh cause I was a weirdo who had to watch the doctors put it in me.

One time in third grade I got really bad strep and we went to the doctors as a last ditch effort before I would have to be admitted to a hospital. I wasn’t eating, drinking or sleeping so my mom was willing to try whatever. The only thing they could do (and it worked) was give me an injection. I, being a child and the sickest I’ve ever been (traditional sick that is), was throwing a massive fit as a sick kid could throw. I was refusing the injection . My mom explained that I could take this one injection and get some orange Powerade and start to feel better, or I’d be in the hospital getting a lot of injectable medicine (don’t know how medically accurate that is) and have an IV (which I had trauma from and still do from an allergic reaction to eggs in kindergarten) in my arm. I decided to take the injection and of course I got better.

I still hate injections and blood work, but because of my family’s patience with me and this, I am at least able to get it somewhat done.

Patience and explanation does wonders. Trust me. Kids brains are small and still developing but they aren’t stupid. If they see the logic behind something in their own kid way, most times they stand behind it. Or at the very least voice when they’re uncomfortable and why it makes them uncomfortable.

It’s not worth it to traumatize a child or not respect their bodily autonomy over.

Also on topic of Consent: whenever somebody says "Kids should have bodily autonomy!" some guy always is like "You are too unrealistic. What will you do when a kid is seeing the doctor and doesn't want to get a shot? Would you just let them refuse the shot?"

Yeah I probably would. You're straight up asking the wrong person if you want the nice normal answer here. Doctors and nurses forcibly doing (relatively routine) things to my body against my protests when I was a small kid fucked me up so bad that as an adult anything medical related is a huge trigger for me, I've had persistent intrusive thoughts and recurring nightmares about medical procedures, and I can't have even the most basic tests and health checks done on top of it.

I hate talking about it because I can't get comfortable calling it "trauma" and I don't have any other words that are useful, but it's made my life so much harder and really scary since if I start having a weird symptom, there's nothing I can move myself to do about it.

I figured out a loophole where going to a pharmacy instead of a doctor's office for vaccines reduces some of the stress, but I was still in stress and misery for days before I went to get my tetanus shot. The repulsion is so intense it feels like I literally don't have control over myself, it feels like I can't make appointments or plans about such things out of my own free will, and so every year I have guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt about how I should get the flu shot, and it does nothing but ineffectually hurt me.

Vaccines save lives and all that, but when it comes right down to it, I don't think it's actually a net benefit to public health to give any percentage of kids lifelong psychological scars so deep and painful they're almost completely barred from accessing health care as adults.

I know I'm not the only one, far from it.

[flockofdoves]

finally finally finally(!!!) got to go to have my first appointment with my new primary care doctor after her having such a long waiting list (even though it still was way shorter than other doctors ppl in a local lgbt fb group recced as being good with fat patients) and then having my first scheduled appointment last may canceled due to her having a family emergency

and god. started tearing up afterwards. ive never had such a good doctors appointment in my life.

she ordered the tests i asked about and gave me the sleep doctor referral i needed but then also went above and beyond and was thorough with ordering even more tests for stuff that occurred to her

it was so validating like i was trying to step around like ‘a friend with sleep apnea really encouraged me to look into getting a sleep study done and i already did one of those take home ones where you tape a little thing around your finger last year and it was negative but idk i thought maybe if possible i’d want to look into it still in case its something beyond obstructive sleep apnea’ and she was like yes of course! but then also asked ‘did the test you did at home come with any head gear?’ and when i was like ‘no just the finger thing the uhhh. blood oximetry light thing’ she was like ‘pshhh the only decent at home tests have head gear, thats nothing! and of course even then it doesnt look into a whole lot of other sleep issues’ which god. was sooooo affirming

and she was so upfront about the referral like ‘look. most sleep specialists around here are old cis white men who can be super intimidating and i’ve had issues with them misgendering my patients, if you tell me something like that happens i’ll always advocate for you, i’ve done it before, but just know that even if they dismiss you in the moment, while you shouldn’t have to go through that, you’re just there to get the results of those tests and i can help you advocate for what you need from there. not saying that to scare you off from doing it at all i’m writing the referral right now! but just i feel like to be responsible even if i know that type of doctor isn’t something new to most people, i still should give you that warning. i’d definitely recommend bringing a friend to your appointment with them if you can’

i know from people saying in the fb group that she is lgbt herself, but in addition to that the way she mentioned neurodivergence and me being autistic when referencing my medical history and also connecting it to other stuff i feel like she also has personal experience w that herself it was really cool

and god i still eased into it a bit despite literally going to her bc ppl said she practices HAES but the way she just seemed to totally Get all my stuff with my atypical restrictive eating disorder and experience with fatphobia in recovery and never mentioned my bmi and unprompted (when describing another medical concept with it as a relevant example) dismissed the idea of intentional weight loss diets as healthy for anyone

and both was really responsive to and appreciative of me just coming with a list of stuff i was thinking about and advocating for myself but then also suggested certain diagnoses as stuff to look into based on just like. normal listening to me without me even trying to feed information to passively hopefully get care which was so affirming bc it was all stuff i’d been curious about if could be the case for me but didn’t want to prioritize to look into above the main stuff i came with after not having a doctor for so long

also found out she also specializes in obgyn stuff so i dont even have to find another doctor for that!!

its slightly nervewracking that my follow up can’t be til december (also between that and her being pretty late to my appointment to help another patient, it makes me feel like. god. this system isn’t set up for good caring doctors to succeed. i hope she never gets burnt out or anything) fortunately i can at least do some of the blood work basically any time i’m free so thats cool

but god im just so grateful!!! holy shit!!! :)

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Love and Medicine ~ 15

MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 4,365ish

Summary: The divorce papers are still an issue. (Grey’s Anatomy 2x05) [Finally! I know. Thank you for being patient with me!]

You grabbed your things and rushed out of the bar. Steve quickly did the same.

“Y/N,” Steve called.

“No. I don’t want to talk about this,” you replied, heading down the street. “Not now. Not with you.”

“Y/N…”

“You didn’t sign the divorce papers. Fine. I get it. End of discussion.”

“Y/N.”

“What?!?” You finally spun around to face him.

“Oh… I usually just say ‘Y/N’ and then you yell at me. I haven’t really thought past that point.” You scowled and shook your head. “I actually didn’t have anything planned.” You hit him with your bag. “Hey!” He rubbed his arm. “What is with that?” You did it a few more times. “Hey stop it. Ow.”

“Seriously?! Seriously?! You know what, just leave me alone.”

Steve reached for you. “Y/N—“

“Stop it! I said leave me alone! I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

You stormed off, heading to find your car so that you could go back home. You were pissed at Steve and, mostly, yourself. How could you let yourself believe that he would be so willing to sign those divorce papers to be with you?

~~~ 

All you interns had just finished rounds and Gamora had you all in the hallway for assignments. Before she could call them out, Peggy interrupted.

“Has anyone seen Dr. Rogers this morning?” She wondered.

“His name is on the OR board,” Gamora answered. “He should be here somewhere.”

“Thank you.” Peggy swiftly walked off.

“Quill, Lang, you’re in the pit today. Val, there’s a cardiac patient waiting up for you on 2. Barton, they need help in peds. Romanoff, keep an eye on the Longs. And L/N, you’re with Rogers. I don’t want any problems. Go.”

Everyone hurried away while you stayed put. “Rogers?” You whispered. “Uh, I guess, which one?”

“Steve.”

“Uh, I don’t think—“

“Hey, life is short. Times are hard. The road is long with many a winding turn,” Gamora sassed. “He actually asked for you. Take it up with him.” Gamora walked away.

“Shit.”

“Shit? Oh no,” Tony showed up beside you. “It’s only morning. What’s wrong already?”

“Steve didn’t sign the divorce papers.”

“Oh,” Tony grimaced. 

“And now he’s asked for me to be on his service today.”

“Well, maybe he will sign them. He just has to think about it.”

“But I don’t want him to think about it. I want it… I want…”

“You want to be the obvious choice. I get it.”

“Yeah… how’s trying to get Pepper going?”

“I think I almost have her. I’ve been in on all her surgeries that I can be. Fury and Hill are even making it work.”

“Wow. I wish I had everyone on my side. But… I don’t and it doesn’t matter anymore. It has to be his choice, not mine, not me pleading or begging. It needs to be all him.”

“Wise,” Tony nodded. “I still think he’ll choose you.”

“We will see… we will see…”

~~~

“Y/N,” Steve greeted when you found him.

“Your wife is looking for you,” you responded.

“Oh, my gosh,” he sighed. “This is hard for me, Y/N.”

“Well, let me make it easy then. I’m not gonna be that woman. The one who breaks up a marriage or begs you to want me. You can sign the papers or you cannot. The choice is yours. Either way, when it comes to this relationship, I’m out.” Steve’s eyes widened and he went to speak but you quickly cut him off. “Nope. We aren’t getting into it anymore. Now, where’s this patient I’m supposed to be helping with.”

Steve pointed behind him. “Down there. But, Y/N—“

“No.” You walked away, Steve following.

“Y/N—“

“No.”

Finally letting it go, Steve sighed and followed you into the patient’s room. There was a young woman on the bed.

“Good morning,” Steve greeted.

“Morning Dr. Rogers,” she responded.

“This is Dr. L/N.”

“Hello,” you greeted. “Can you tell us about your pain?”

“I’ve had a twinge in my back for a little while,” the young woman explained. “I thought it would go away, but then last night my legs went numb. And this morning my back… the pain is just too much.”

“Miss Yang, we’re going to put you on a PCA pump,” Steve said, “give you some morphine which should help control the pain.”

“Thank you.”

“Okay, but there is a bigger problem here. I’ve just take a look at your MRI—“

“Cris!” A man exclaimed, him and a woman rushing into the room and to the young woman’s bedside. “Why didn’t you call us before coming down here?”

“I’m sorry,” Cris said. She turned to look at you and Steve. “These are my parents.”

“What’s going on?”

“I was just about to explain that Cris’s MRI has shown that she has myxopapillary ependymoma,” Steve answered. “It’s a tumor in her spinal canal. But the good news is that we can operate. You have a 95% chance of fully if we get you into surgery as soon as possible. We can’t wait another moment. With a tumor this aggressive even waiting another day puts you at risk of permanent paralysis.”

“Father?” Cris questioned, looking to the man.

Mr. Yang shook his head. “No,” he said. “No surgery.”

“Mr. Yang, without surgery Cris will be paralyzed, probably within the next 24 hours,” Steve said.

“There will be no surgery today. We’re taking her home.”

“Cris needs the surgery,” you pressed.

“And she can have it at another time.”

“Look,” Steve tried again, “Mr. Yang—“

“We are taking our daughter home.”

Steve looked at Cris. “Cris, you are over 18. You don’t need your father’s consent.”

“I am Hmong, and my father is the elder,” Cris explained. “He says I go home, I go home.”

You could tell that Steve was holding back from a harsh reply. He gave Mr. Yang a nod before leaving the room, you following after him.

“Hmong? Let’s find out what that means,” Steve said.

“Do I continue to process her discharge?” You wondered.

“Yeah we have to. It’s insane, but we have to. It reminds me of this case I had one time and this woman came to the office and—“

“Look, do you need me for anything else work related?”

Steve looked around the hallway before pulling you into an on-call room with him.

“Look, I was married for 11 years,” Steve began. “Peggy is my family. That is 11 Thanksgivings, 11 birthdays and 11 Christmases. And in one day, I’m supposed to sign a piece of paper and end my family? A person doesn’t do that. Not without a little hesitation. I’m entitled to a little uncertainty here! At least a moment to understand the magnitude to what it means to cut somebody out of my life. I’m entitled to at least one moment of painful doubt. And a little understanding from you would be nice.”

“I am not fighting you on this,” you responded, opening the door. “Not anymore.”

You stormed away. Leaving both you and Steve in an confused state of anger.

~~~

Bruce was walking down the hall when he noticed Peggy.

“Dr. Rogers,” he greeted. “Still here, I see.”

“I couldn’t leave you,” she responded with a smile. “Have you seen the other Dr. Rogers by chance?”

“I’ll tell him you’re looking for him.”

“Thanks,” Peggy walked off and Natasha walked up.

“So, um, thanks for, uh, being there,” she said softly.

“No thanks needed,” Bruce responded.

“Okay.”

“So where are we?”

“Uh, the north-east corner of a medical center.” Bruce glared at her. “Oh, I’m, I’m getting back on my feet.”

“Fine.”

“That doesn’t mean that—“

“Natasha.”

“It’s my first day back, I’ve… I’ve got—“

“I’m not waiting forever.” The lights flickered, causing the two of them to glance up. “And, apparently, I’m not the only one.”

“Dr. Banner!” Nurse Vision jogged up. “There’s a problem with the elevator!”

“And?”

“Dr. Quill and Dr. Barton are stuck in it with your GSW patient that they were bringing up to the OR.”

“I should have fought harder for the pit,” Natasha grumbled.

~~~

“Lightning hit a sub station,” Maria Hill told Fury as they walked down the hall with Peggy. “We’re running on back up generators.” The medical center had lost its power. “One of them is down.” 

Fury stopped, causing the others to do so as well. He rested his hands on his hips, annoyed.

“Breathe, Nick,” Peggy guided. “Breathe.”

“Don’t tell me to breathe, damn it!” He exclaimed. “The only direct means of transporting from the ER to the OR isn’t working. I’ll breathe if I wanna breathe.”

Fury huffed before making his way to the elevators. Gamora and Banner were there, watching some men pry open an elevator.

“How bad is it?” Fury asked.

“Two interns and a GSW to the chest,” Bruce explained.

Fury closed his eyes and put his hand to his forehead.

“Good air in,” Peggy coaxed, doing it herself. “Bad air out.”

Fury gave her a look before turning his attention back on the elevator. “Come on people! Get those doors open!”

The men working on the elevator doors, finally get the door partially open. Revealing that the elevator car was caught between floors. Peter and Clint were in there with their GSW patient.

“It’s jammed,” one of the workers said. “It won’t open anymore. This is as wide as it will go.”

“What did you two do?” Gamora asked the interns in the elevator, kneeling down to see them better.

“Nothing!” They both exclaimed.

“How’s the patient?” Bruce asked, getting down beside Gamora.

“He’s not looking so good,” Clint answered.

~~~

“Why do the lights keep flickering?” Cris asked.

“Something about a backup generator,” you answered, finishing up hooking the morphine up to her IV. “This pump will provide you with a morphine drip and should stop your pain.”

“I told you, I don’t need it. I’m going home.”

“You realize you’ll have to sign an AMA form stating that you’re leaving against medical advice.”

“Fine,” she nodded.

“I know this is new and confusing. I actually called a social worker, they’re willing to come down and talk to you—“

“Spare me the cultural divide, love. I grew up from the street down here. I play in a band. I get it. My father doesn’t. He says no, it’s no.”

“We’re talking about your ability to ever walk again.”

“That’s what you're talking about. I’m talking about my family. Have you ever even heard of the Hmong people?” You shook your head. “Our religion has got rules that are way old and way set in stone and way spiritual and you don’t mess with them.” She sighed. “You don’t anger the ancestors. Even if you pierce your tongue and play in a band.”

“What are the rules exactly?”

~~~

“Rogers!” Gamora shouted as she headed towards Steve. “You’re wife is looking for you.”

“I know,” he responded.

“Are you actively avoiding her?”

“Maybe,” he shrugged.

Gamora scoffed, shaking her head as she walked away. “You’ve got to deal with your problems before they all blow up in this medical center!”

“Steve,” you called, coming up beside him.

“Yes?” He replied, turning to look at you.

“You need to talk to Cris’s father. I’d do it myself but I guess having testicles is a requirement.”

Steve sighed. “Did you try social services?”

“They can’t help us. Mr. Yang believes that Cris is missing something that she needs for surgery.”

“Missing something? Missing what?”

“One of her souls. We don’t need someone from social services. We need a shaman.”

~~~

Peter and Clint were still stuck in the elevator with their patient, Tommy. The patient was getting delirious, trying to sit up and pull out the tubes and wires.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Peter asked, trying to stop him.

“I have to get home,” Tommy said.

“Tom, you’re in the hospital.”

He sat up. “Need to get home.” Clint and Peter quickly worked to restrain him. “No. Need to get home.”

Dr. Banner, hearing the commotion, peered through the small opening of the elevator doors. “What’s his blood pressure?” The attending asked.

“It’s not reading,” Clint informed. “He’s too agitated.”

“How’s his pulse?”

“Thready but it’s still there,” Peter answered.

“Do you have any instruments?”

“Uh, we have…” Peter quickly looked around. “Uh, just a code box and some gloves.”

“You didn’t bring an open chest tray?”

“No. We thought—“

“You don’t have time for excuses. Barton, blood pressure.”

“I’ve taken it 3 times,” Clint replied.

“And?”

“I can’t hear systolic over 50.” Clint looked down at Tommy, who is really pale and wheezing. “He’s gonna die.” Both interns look at each other, scared.

“Intubate him,” Bruce ordered. “I’ll be right back.” He went to push himself up off the floor.

“Wait! Where are you going?”

“To get an instrument tray. You guys are going to have to open up his chest.”

Clint and Peter looked back at each, minds going a mile a minute as Banner stood up. Gamora was behind him, having heard the whole thing.

“Are you sure about having them open his chest?” Gamora asked.

“No,” he answered before he hurried away.

~~~

Chief Fury and Dr. Hill were walking down the hall together.

“This is incogitable,” Fury said. “There’s not enough power to move those elevators?”

“They’re doing what they can to replace the back up generator now,” Hill responded. “Fire department is standing by.”

“All critical patients?”

“Moved to the south wing.”

“Incoming trauma?”

“Re-routed to the other medical centers.”

“That damn back-up generator should’ve been replaced last year.”

“Yes, sir.”

“So why didn’t it happen? Dr. Hill, you know everything. Tell me whose ass I need to kick.”

“That would be your ass, Chief. You didn’t authorize the replacement generator to save money for the new MRI machine.”

Not wanting to show weakness, Fury walked away. Grumbling under his breath as he went.

~~~

It didn’t take long for Bruce to return to the elevator with the things the interns would need.

“This isn’t gonna be too sterile,” Bruce said as he got down to hand them the tools, “but we can still try. Prep and drape the patient.”

“On it,” Clint responded, quickly getting to work.

Peter stood there for a moment, nervously staring at Tommy. Eventually, he snapped out of it, shakily helping.

“Okay…” Peter breathed out once they were finished. “We’re really going to do this.”

Clint just looked at him, both interns feeling completely unprepared, as he kept squeezing air into the patient. Bruce stuck his hand back through with a pair of scissors and a scalpel in it. He hands them towards Peter, looking at him expectedly.

“Take these,” the attending said. Peter just looked at them, remaining still. “Quill, take the scalpel.” Peter just continued to stand frozen.

“Come on, Peter!” Clint exclaimed. “Take the damn scalpel!”

Dr. Banner looked at Peter, completely confused as to way the intern wasn’t moving. Bruce shook his hand to signal for Peter to take the instruments. But the intern looked away.

“Ventilate!” Clint demanded, annoyed at Peter as he shoved what he was holding into Peter’s hands. “I got it.” Clint swiped the instruments from Dr. Banner. He shot Peter an angry look. “Okay,” Clint looked to Dr. Banner. “What do I do?”

“Make a large anterior, lateral, mid-auxiliary incision in the 5th intercostal space,” Bruce directed.

“How—how large?”

“As long as possible. You need to get 2 hands in there. It needs to be long and deep. Use the scissors if you have to.” Peter then made eye contact with Bruce. “Quill, hold a light up for Barton while you’re ventilating. You can do that, right?” 

Peter nodded, grabbing a flashlight from Banner. Clint took a deep breath. He was about to cut when Bruce startled him.

“Barton, be sure you don’t cut into the lobe of the heart,” Bruce warned.

“Uh… how—“ Clint paused to clear his throat. “How can I be sure of that?”

“You just have to be sure.”

“We’ll, uh, we’re definitely not in Kansas anymore,” Clint tried to joke before cutting into Pete’s chest.

~~~

You walked up to Cris’ room. Steve was standing outside, watching the patient and her father interact.

“Is the shaman here yet?” You asked.

“He’s late,” Steve replied. He glanced down at the watch on his wrist. “We need to get her into surgery right now.”

Before you really thought about it, you put a comforting hand on Steve’s arm. “It will work out.”

Steve looked down at your hand and then at you. You two stared at each other, lost in the others eyes. It was too long before you realized that you two were too close for your liking and that your hand was still on his arm.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, stepping back.

“Y/N, please just—“

You shook your head. “I’ll see how far our shaman’s out.” And you hurried away.

~~~

Bruce hadn’t moved from his viewpoint of inside the elevator. It had been a while now since Clint had cut into Tommy, but Bruce couldn’t see exactly what was going on.

“Barton, how are you doing down there?” He asked.

“Bruce,” Maria Hill said before Clint could answer. “The fire department’s here. They can get the doors open.”

“No!” Bruce turned to look at the crowd behind him. “Nobody moves. Nobody works not he elevator. I have an open chest and a very nervous intern in there. Keep them back until I give the word.” Dr. Hill nodded, motioning everyone back, before Bruce focused back on inside the elevator. “Clint.”

“I didn’t cut the heart or the lungs,” Clint answered, clearly surprised. “Dr. Banner, I didn’t cut the heart or the lungs!”

“Good, good. Very good. Now check for injuries and do a pericardiotomy.”

“Uh, I’ll need some lap pads, forceps, Metzenbaums and Satinksy clamps then.”

Bruce gave a light smile and a nod. “Yes, you will.”

Clint was quickly given the supplies and got to work. 

“Okay… I’ve removed the small clot from the pericardium,” Clint informed Dr. Banner. “No obvious cardiac injuries.”

“Any change in the vitals?” Bruce wondered.

“BP’s still too low to register on the monitor,” Peter spoke up.

“We need to cross clamp the aorta.”

Clint grabbed the clamp from a tray next to him and put it through the opening.

“Stick your hand in and bluntly dissect down until you feel two tube-like structures,” Bruce guided. “The esophagus will be more medical and anterior.”

Clint stuck both his bands in the open chest. “Ah, I feel one tube that is easily collapsible and the other I store muscular, spongy. I can also feel the spine, just underneath it.”

“Yes, you’re touching the aorta.”

The intern grinned. “I’m touching the aorta.”

“Wrap the index finger of your left hand around it and apply a Satinsky clamp with your right hand.”

Clint put in the clamp. “Got it… Wait, I… I think I can localize the bleeding. I… Well… I think it’s coming from the inferior vena cava.”

“Can you find the lesion?”

“Yeah. Yeah… I think I can feel, ah—it’s too far in to repair.”

“Can you tell me how big it is?”

“Small, maybe… like, smaller than a dime.”

“Okay then Barton, I want you to take your finger and plug the hole.”

Clint nodded and did as directed. “I think I can feel his heart… it’s… it’s starting to fill more. It’s beating a little stronger.”

“Excellent. Keep your finger there.”

“Okay. Now what?”

“That’s it.”

“Really?” Bruce turned to lay on his back in relief. “I just stand here with my finger plugging the hole?”

“Yes. Until we can get you out of that elevator and into the OR.” Bruce lifted his head and looked at Dr. Hill. “Tell the fire department to get them out of there.”

“On it,” Hill responded.

Bruce rolled back over and looked at Clint. “Barton.”

“Yes, sir?” The intern replied.

“You just flew solo.”

~~~

“Okay, Cris. We’re going to shut off the PCA pump now,” you began explaining, “which means you will be in a lot of pain for the duration of the—“

“The healing ritual,” Cris interrupted.

“Are you going to be okay with that?”

“Yeah. I can’t find my soul if I’m medicated. No pain, no gain, right?”

“Just, tell me this… you believe in it all too, right? You’re not just doing this for your father.”

“I know it sounds like a load of crap but… just watch the ritual. You’ll see.”

“See what?”

“The moment it happens.” You nodded as the shaman came in with Cris’ family. She looked at them. “I’m ready.”

To give them some room, you and Steve watched and waiting from outside the room.

“How long do you think it takes to retrieve a lost soul?” Steve asked.

“I don’t know,” you replied.

You and Steve carefully watched the healing ritual. And you did see what Cris was talking about. The moment it happened. You didn’t have to believe in it, but you did find a new found respect for her beliefs.

~~~

During Cris’ surgery, you and Steve worked in tandem. You felt weighed down the whole time though. Peggy stood watch in the gallery, smiling down at Steve. He looked up every so often, always looking at his wife. You noticed each time.

You had already finished scrubbing out of surgery by the time Steve started himself. You were outside the scrub room, pacing. You couldn’t do this, this whole pretending to not care thing. It was too hard. You burst into the scrub room, Steve immediately looking at you.

“I lied,” you said. “I’m not out of this relationship. I’m in. I’m so in, it’s humiliating because here I am, going to beg—“

“Y/N,” Steve interrupted quietly.

“Just shut up. You say Y/N and I yell, remember?”

“Yeah.” He leaned away the sink, listening.

“Okay, here it is,” you took a deep breath. “Your choice. It’s simple.” You started to get emotional. Damn it, you loved this man too much. “Her or me. And I’m sure she’s really great. But, Steve… I love you… in a really, really big, “pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window”… unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me.”

Steve was staring at you lovingly. He moved to touch you, but you pulled away.

“I’ll be at Happy’s tonight,” you continued. “So if you decide to sign the papers, meet me there.”

Then you walked out. Steve, distressed now, sighed. What was he going to do?

~~~

“Do you think he’ll show?” You asked, doing a tequila shot.

“He’ll show,” Happy said.

The door opened. You turned to the door hopefully, but it’s just Tony walking in. He came over, took off his suit coat and sat next to you at the bar.

“I got your message,” Tony said, motioning for Happy to get him a drink. “You gave him a choice, brave.” He nodded. “But he’s not stupid, though love does make you stupid sometimes. He’ll chose you.” Happy handed him a drink. “Thank you.” 

“Are you sure?” You questioned. “I… I literally told him that I loved him. I’ve… I’ve never done that before.”

“He loves you too. He’s just an idiot.”

~~~

Steve was sitting in a doctor’s lounge at the hospital, fidgeting with a pen. The divorce papers were in a manila envelope on the table in front of him. Gamora entered the room, dressed up.

“How’s your patient?” Gamora asked as she put some things away. “The one who got her soul back?”

“She’s gonna be fine,” Steve responded. He looked up at took Gamora in. “Look at you. I’ve never seen you dressed up.”

“Yeah, well, I’m suppose to have a date tonight.”

“Yeah? Anyone I know?”

“Like I’d tell you.” Gamora noticed the pen in Steve’s hand and the envelope on the table. “You haven’t signed those divorce papers yet, have you?” 

Steve shook his head. “Gamora.” He looked at her, pleading. “Tell me what to do.”

“Not a chance.”

“Why does this have to be so hard?”

“It’s not hard. It’s painful, but it’s not hard. You know what to do already. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be in this much pain.”

“I guess you’re right.” Steve sighed. “I shouldn’t keep you. Good luck on your date.”

~~~

Natasha found Bruce in the stairwell, as he went to find an on-call room.

“Hey,” Natasha stopped him, “I… So…” She sighed. “Here’s where we are. I work too much. I’m competitive. I’m always right. And I snore.” 

Bruce looked at her confused. “What?”

“I’m trying here.”

Still looking confused, Bruce took a moment to think it out. “Oh! Ohhhh…”

“Yeah.” 

“So?”

“Okay. We’re a couple. Whatever. DOn’t make a big deal about it.” 

She began walking away. Natasha quickly paused though and turned around. She hurried to Bruce, kissed him, and hurried down the stairs.

~~~

Peggy found Steve in the doctor’s lounge.

“There you are,” she said. “I’ve been looking, well, everywhere for you.”

“Well, you found me,” Steve responded.

“So?” She glanced down at the envelope. “Are you going to sign those divorce papers or not?”

~~~

You were still waiting at the bar. Tony was there, but so was Pepper. So as he flirted with her, he kept an eye on you. Val, Clint, and Scott had joined you.

“He’s not going to come,” you sighed. “You all don’t think he’s coming.”

“He might come,” Val said.

“Yeah, you never know,” Scott agreed.

“He’s definitely coming,” Clint said. Val quickly kicked him from under the bar. “Ow. What? Do you want her doing tequila shots all night? I’ll be the one cleaning up the vomit. Besides, I feel good. I touched a heart today.”

The bell on the door went off again. They all turned to look, but it wasn’t Steve. You sighed and turned back to Happy.

“Pour me another one.”

next chapter >

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[juseki-taisen]

Ive watched the anime and that was some good shit right there. the mix of 3-D and 2-D animation is wonderful too! I would love to know how the 12 would treat their recently transitioned or in transition S/O because I hear “trans rights” coming from them

You bet your bottom dollar that they all scream TRANS RIGHTS!

Updated: Because I did Sharyu twice and forgot Nezumi. Sorry!

Inounoshishi

Dating Inounoshishi while transiting is actually ideal

Not only does she support you and whatever gender you want to be, but mama has money and is going to pay for it

You're her darling, why wouldn't she pay to keep you happy?

She's also going to take you shopping. She loves shopping and the idea of getting you a whole new wardrobe is to good.

Just be nice and say thank you, and show how much you appreciate her

Honestly? She never got to figure out who she really was/is as a person since she was always trying to please her parents. Seeing you figure out/announcing who you really are is really motivating for her.

Dotsuku

Doesn't have a problem with it.

May occasionally slip up on your pronouns, but always corrects himself immediately. After a week? Doesn't mess up again

Dog. Loyal. He's not about to let something like you being who you really are affect what he thinks of you.

Added bonus: His daughter just rolls with it. Kids aren't as stupid as people make them out to be. If you used to be a princess/prince, you're now the opposite. The real question is, what kind of super hero cape do you want?

Dostuku will help with your medical bills. If doctors give you shit for it, the man has connections. He will find a good doctor who respects you and get your surgery (if you so choose) taken care of

Niwatori

The whole idea of being trans is a little confusing at first for her, but it takes about 000.1 seconds for her to decide it doesn't really matter?

Her whole life she's been a tool for the family, with you she's a person. In the end, no matter how you identify, as long as you still love her that's what matters?

Does a TON of research. She gets books, medical journals, ect. She uses her contacts to find doctors for you, and don't worry. Cost isn't an issue.

Anyone who tries anything just...vanishes. You know from that weird smile she gets she 110% had something to do with it

If you ever feel ad or dysphoric about your body, she's very supportive.

Sharyu

She already knew. She's very perceptive, and was just waiting for you to be comfortable telling her.

The most supportive.

Does whatever she can to make you comfortable. If you want new cloths, she'll shop with you. If you're to embarrassed to go to a store, she'll order online.

Never uses the incorrect pronouns for you.

Will put one of those little trans flags in the window of her apartment.

If there's a pride event, will go with you.

Arranges a good doctor for your transition when you're ready, and will go to appointments if you're nervous

Hitsujii

He's old, and has seen it all. He may be older, but he's not going to question it.

One of those "Whatever makes you happy" people

Doesn't understand a lot of surgery details and hormone stuff. He'll try to research it, but you may have to help him learn terminology. He does catch on fast

The idea of surgery freaks him out because he has no control. He’d help you, but he is going to be silently panicking on the inside

Uuma

Actually really cool with it? Just tell him you still love him. The first thing he worries about is that you’re going to become this amazing you, and the you that loved him wont love him anymore

Really supportive? Doesn’t know a lot about trans issues, but he tries

He will probably buy you anything with the trans flag on it. 

If you have surgery, he’s going to make sure only the BEST doctors do it

Listens when you talk if you have feelings to get out. It just makes him really happy you’re confiding in him

Takeyasu

Trans? Cool. Fine. Help him pull off this heist

He really doesn’t care, if you’re happy he’s fine with it? 

Actually brings up frogs that can change their gender, and that there’s a species of lizards that reproduce without asexually. If reptiles do it, why can’t people?

Gives you money for surgery if you wanna get it. Worries through the entire thing, but only Nagayuki knows about his brother internal freak out

Also, shopping spree. Criminal shopping spree. grab and RUN

Has trouble using the correct pronouns, but tries really hard and corrects himself. 

Nagayuki

He already knew way before you told him. He’s perceptive, smart, and also finds your online content. Really, he was just waiting for you to tell him yourself

Probably gets you a tray of cupcakes with the frosting colored with the trans flag colors. He likes snacks, any excuse to get snacks and make you happy? Killing two birds with one stone

Master of your pronouns and possibly your new name

You know how hard it is to change your name? This dude hacks into the systems and does it in a night. 

Helps you get surgery if you want it. Not emotional about it, but will hold your hand if you want him to. 

Ushii

Help him. He doesn’t understand trans when you first bring it up, but when you explain it clicks

Now he is fully on board and ready

While he can’t keep up with a lot of LGBTQ+ terms, he supports you and what makes you happy. You want to be the gender you’ve always wanted? No problem. Just tell him what he needs to do

Has fought someone who purposely misgendered you before. 

Will take you shopping if you’d like

You want surgery? He knows people. Honestly? He’s so well known that the doctors are volunteering to make sure it gets done properly.

Never once messes up your pronouns.

Tora

She’s seen so much on the battlefield that when you tell her, she’s not that concerned. It’s great that you trust her, and she will support you but...You’re not going to leave her, right? 

Cuzz she loves you with all her heart and if someone like you can become every more yourself (and therefor more amazing) why would you stay with a screw up like her?

After she gets past her insecurities, Tore is very supportive of you

Has punched a guy in the face for being rude to you. Maye have started a street brawl over it, it’s fine. She won.

Surgery freaks her out no matter what is it, but she’s going to be there if you want it. She may just cry when you can’t see her. What if something goes wrong???

It wont and you’re fine but you wake up and she’s crying like a BABY

Usagi

This...is kind of a disaster? Not in the way you’re thinking

He gets all your pronouns right, and quickly is VERY excited to call you his new girl/boy friend. 

But uh...people may die...A lot of people

If he notices that people give you weird looks, they’re dead. He will FIGHT and MURDER people who are transphobic (but what’s the loss really?)

Loves to shop with you, and tries to pull things he thinks you’d like (probably kills people there too, RIP)

If you want the surgery, you have to do the research. Usagi doesn’t get it. HOWEVER he will help pay...sort of

“It’s expensive”

“Will this cover it?” Proceeds to pull out diamonds and gold bars, and...is that a rare species of monkey? WHERE DID HE GET A MONKEY?

How do you even exchange that for money?

Imagine going to pride with Usagi. 

Snuggling with Usagi if you have body dysphoria. Him not really understanding everything but 110% being willing to support you. 

Neuzmi

Already knew. Not a huge deal for him. 

Supportive, but really casual about it

He’s great with pronouns, and does use his ability a lot to try and make sure he doesn’t say something to make you uncomfortable

always quick to apologize if he does. 

[palmtreepalmtree]

Further to my last post about surprise medical billing, I just wanted to share my experience in case it helps anyone in the meanwhile.

In the fall of 2020, my sister was diagnosed with something pre-cancerous that needed to be removed. Her doctor informed her that this was hereditary and has a high incidence, and I should be checked immediately.

I found a doctor who was in-network for a consultation, and he agreed that even though I was a little younger than is usually necessary for screenings, I should get a colonoscopy. I share these details for later relevance.

Before my procedure I checked to make sure that the out-patient facility my doctor used was also in-network. The facility also called my insurer for pre-approval.

The day of the procedure, I did the usual intake. The first time I met the anesthesiologist was when I was already in a gown, post-pregnancy test (ladies amirite?), on a gurney, with an IV in my arm.

Fast forward to a month later. I get the bill from the doctor who performed the colonoscopy -- like a $25 co-pay if I recall correctly. And then I get the bill from the anesthesiologist -- $700 because apparently he's out-of-network.

I call my insurer. At first, the billing person tries to explain to me that the anesthesiologist was out-of-network. Which was just *crazy* to me. Was I also supposed to check who was going to be the anesthesiologist on duty that day? The doctor was in-network, the surgical center was in-network, but not the anesthesiologist they have on staff?

Then the billing person changes their mind and says the reason the anesthesiologist wasn't covered was because my exam was "diagnostic" and not "preventative." Because I needed to be checked based on what my sister had, the procedure wasn't covered in the same way. So the doctor was covered, but not the anesthesiology. For a procedure which, as I understand it, typically requires anesthesiology. So like, again, WTF!?

The billing person reassures me that she will change the characterization of the procedure to "preventative," and the anesthesiologist will be covered. Great. Whatever bullshit box-ticking y'all need to do, I don't care, just get this bill off my desk.

Fast forward another few months and I get a re-issued bill from the anesthesiologist's office. $700. Insurer declined to cover.

I call my insurer again. They see the record of my appeal of the decision and they don't know why it was declined. I again, recount the scenario for the billing person about how there was no way for me to know I was supposed to clear the anesthesiologist for being in-network separately from the surgical center which was in-network.

This time, suddenly, the billing person says that the anesthesiologist is in-network. The anesthesiologist was in-network the whole time!? This new billing person again reassures me that the $700 will be covered.

I spent the last two months, regularly calling the anesthesiologist's billing company asking them not to put the bill in collections while my insurer took its sweet time figuring its shit out, and trying to assure the collections people that my insurer said it will be paid. Yesterday, after receiving a threatening letter from the medical biller, I was finally told that the account had been zeroed out -- which I guess is medical billing for 'paid' or otherwise accounted for.

I'm still waiting on my mailed confirmation. And I still don't know why the initial bill was declined by my insurance. Was the anesthesiologist out-of-network? Was anesthesiology only approved for this exam if it's "preventative" but not if it's "diagnostic"? Did I need to get pre-approved separately for the anesthesiology? I don't fucking know.

A $700 bill wasn't going to break me. But considering how much I pay for insurance each month, it would have been absolutely bullshit to owe that full amount for one doctor on top of it. And if my finances were tighter, that bill could have been a pretty serious problem.

I don't know if anyone finds this helpful, but fucking hell, if you get a bullshit bill, fight it. Fight it forever.

In the end all of this was a fucking waste of my time, and I'm glad to hear that this practice will no longer be allowed.