#and ive been personally sayin' that for years

[drchucktingle]

dear buckaroos. chuck woke to find that CAMP DAMASCUS has remained steadfast on USA TODAY BESTSELLER LIST for a second week. first week includes preorders which means most books drop off suddenly yet camp damascus remains and this is ONLY because of one thing: YOUR word of mouth.

so thankful buds are resonating with this story and  recommending it to buds who need it. i have given my art and you have given me this love and kindness in return. you have seen my outsider way and STEPPED UP to say 'i sign off on this too' and for that i am awash in gratitude.

for years ive talked on buds sayin 'i love chuck tingle but i would never read his books’. well meaning buckaroos say this because what i do has a specific ‘queer outsider way’ and there is a subconscious block to proclaim: ‘YES I PERSONALLY AND PROUDLY SUPPORT THIS UNIRONICALLY’

but no longer. i am so moved and impressed with way that TOGETHER we have shifted this timeline towards love and acceptance of UNIQUE TROTS. of the way i have been embraced. so this one is for the 'strange buckaroos' because ultimately we are ALL strange buckaroos in our own way

so support of camp damascus is officially no fluke and we have remained on the dang bestseller charts for a second week. the strange and unique and joyful trots are here to stay. the queer and neurodivergent trots are here to stay. THE BUCKAROOS ARE HERE TO STAY. LOVE IS REAL

[ranfordgallus]

I have...a guilt thats been on my mind for months now and i have to spill it all out so i could finally feel some peace maybe...this is also kind of a vent so..yk

...FUCK, i feel so embarrassed and...a bit ashamed, 1 year ago i got this...HUUUGGGEEE hatred for proshippers, nd i mean...not tht i feel sympathetic for them i still do not fuck with those weirdos and im a weirdo myself so thats sayin something...but that hatred boiled over me so much i started harassing them alot and tell my insta followers to report them..i mean..i dont...exactly feel bad for that but i do feel bad for not minding my own business

Instead of me being calm and..yk just block the person while having a stink face, i just got too angry and just sent threats to them, majority of proshippers that ive met are usually young people who are influenced by..yk the internet of those who do these stuff as a coping mechanism (though, i dont think its a good way to cope and justifying it as a coping mechanism doesnt excuse or make you free of consequence or judgement, i feel like proshipping makes your mental health worse as people hate on you and..idk i feel like romanticizing trauma isnt healthy in general..anyway back on topic) and...i just.. don't get it, or didnt get it

Now ive changed and, i still hate darkshippers and proshippers they can go fuck themselves honestly, if they get hated I wouldn't care less because its your own consequences for posting that shit in public instead of keeping it to yourself, in private...but i still feel guilty for sending threats instead of trying to be calm, understanding what they're going through, and talk through it when they have a conversation with me (only applies to people who use it as a coping mechanism or is a young person, because people who do this for fun isnt worth talking through)

This hatred back then was a cause from my own experience, how proshippers influenced my mind and..led to me making terrible decisions and thoughts that costed my mental health, granted i was too young to be in the internet but still.. i still feel guilt for harassing them instead just blocking their asses, could've saved so much stress to me

And have been feeling this guilt and embarrassment for a year not knowing how to get it out and be honest, but here i m typing it out..and i feel alot better now that i finally released this feeling in me thats been building up so much

Edit: ykw i do feel bad actually for the proshippers that i harassed that never came up to me and sent people to report them, i was too angry to care but the more i change the more i felt really bad for them, i really shouldnt use my following to attack other people, that was really immature of me honestly

[skzhua]

BESTIE SJSJSJ FIRST IMMA SAY YOUR ANGST WITH THE HAPPY ENDS? ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL LIKE IVE READ PLENTY AND NEVER COULD FIND ONE THAT SCRATCHED MY ITCH (or whatever they say)😭 SOOOO I SAW UOUR REQUESTS WERE OPENED AND I RAN HERE😭😭😭 i don't have a very ... Particular request like idk the exact word but it's basically just a smol thought you can write if you like💀

So basically stumbled upon a video of Binnie talking about how memebers are when angry and him sayin all it takes for him to calm down IS ANY SORT IF PHYSICAL TOUCH

Simply shakes me to the core every time I think about him being putty in my hands 🫦🫦 (no calling me out for being delusional i will police and jail)

Idek know how to base an entire one shot around just this tiny thing so let's just pretend i was gushing if you can't either 💀💀💀

The Three Times Changbin Got Mad, and the One Time He Didn't

MASTERLIST

Pairing Seo Changbin x Reader

Genre: Angst, fluff.

Word Count: 1,777

Warnings: Swearing. (not proofread yet!)

A/N: Like you said, extremely hard to base off an entire imagine just from this so I'm sorry if this is shitty. I tried real hard for inspiration to come but Changbin is such a soft person in my mind that I genuinely can't wrap my head around him getting angry lmao. I hope this does the trick!

In the few years you had been dating the man, Changbin liked to consider himself as a calm person. In fact, he only got angry a few times. But those few times were intense.

one.

JYP criticized his song. By then, it was no surprise to anyone that Changbin had some dislike towards his big boss. However, it was not the first time he got some harsh reviews on a demo. So why did this one in particular made him especially pissed? Because he wrote it about his lover, you.

When he wrote it, he hadn't seen you in days and missed you terribly. He gave his all to this song as he arranged and composed it only a few days after writing it. Once you finally found the time to see each other, he was so proud to show it to you. Of course you loved it and almost cried because, come on, how sweet is it that your boyfriend loves you so much that he makes a song about you?

Apparently, it was not enough to be released as an SKZ-RECORD.

"Is it the melody? I could change the hook for-" Changbin started, but Chan put his hand on his shoulder as to stop him from speaking any more.

"It's not just the melody. The lyrics are very explicitly directed to a significant other and some fans might react poorly to it. Plus, it doesn't sound like the kind of music you'd release. Your tone is too soft unlike usually."

Changbin was baffled. "Too soft? What about it? Do you expect me to sing about the love of my life while growling?"

Chan felt the tension growing. "Bin, it's not-"

"You think it's bad too?" he scoffed.

"I didn't say that but-"

"No, I get it." he cut him off again. "Thank you both for the feedback."

And just like that, he stormed out of the room, heading straight to the gym. It was the only he thought of letting out the build up rage his coworkers had caused. Music blasting in his headphones, doing his nth squat, he still couldn't calm down. As he dropped his dumbbell in front of him, his attention was drifted to the door opening to his left. Jisung stood there with a small smile. Changbin removed turned off his music and greeted the younger man with a wave. Jisung dropped his things in the corner of the room where the lockers were located before he joined him.

"You started without me?"

Changbin nodded, sweat dripping on his face. "I left the company early."

"Chan told me."

Not wanting to discuss about what had happened, he turned his music back on and went on with his workout. Jisung got the message and didn't bother him any further. They exercised together in silence.

An hour later, they left to go back home. It was no surprise for anyone when Changbin didn't take the time to greet Chan when he walked in the dorm as he went straight to his room. He pulled out a bag and then dialed your number.

On your side, you were doing nothing but watching a movie. Not having gotten the proper sleep for a while, you were dozing off easily. The ring coming from your phone woke you up immediately. Recognizing the contact picture of your boyfriend, you wasted no time to answer.

"Hey." you answered with a yawn.

"Hey." Changbin said softly. "Did I wake you up?"

"No." you chuckled. "What's up?"

He sighed in hesitation. "Can I come sleep at your place tonight? Something happened at work and I can't seem to calm down."

"Of course you can, but I might be already asleep when you come."

"It's fine with me, I just need a break from the guys for a bit."

Although he couldn't see, you smiled sadly. If he needed a break from the boys, it meant something really bad happened. Otherwise, he would try to fix things instead.

"Alright. If I don't answer the door, just come in, okay?!

And that's what he did. He did argue a bit with Chan whether it was a good idea sleeping at your place when they had an early practice the next day. Still, he left harshly and went to your apartment.

As you had predicted, you had fallen asleep already. His heart did get lighter at the sight of you, but he still had this knot inside of his stomach. In silence, he slipped under the covers and closed his eyes.

two.

Changbin was already having a bad day. Not having slept much the night before, he was most definitely exhausted. So when Minho pointed out that he did not do a move the right way, it only fed his anger.

"We've been doing this choreography enough times, you should be able to do it properly." Minho sighed. "Can I see it again?"

Changbin suppressed any sign of annoyance and did as told. And he made the same mistake again.

Minho shook his head. "Try again."

And again, same thing.

"I'm sorry." he apologized in a small voice.

"We have a showcase tomorrow, you are supposed to master the choreography." Minho exhaled. "Again."

And it was the same. Maybe having called you until late at night was not a good idea after all.

"What is it with you today? Stop think about Y/N and focus."

That reached Changbin's limit. He would take any criticism or even insults, but he would never accept someone bringing you up for no reason.

"You know I can do this move normally, can't we just move on?"

"I'm just saying if you weren't so distracted with her-"

Changbin scoffed. "Don't go there, Minho."

"Am I wrong, though? I get you have your own little adventure with her, but I still expect you to be doing this properly."

"We're only practicing."

"And we visibly need practicing here."

Chan walked to stand between the two men. "Alright, I think this is enough."

"Tell that to him." Changbin nodded his head at Minho.

"I'm sorry for wanting us to be at our best."

"So the best would be for me to break up with Y/N and miserably work non-stop here?"

Minho's jaw clenched, Changbin could see it. The lack of answer was his cue that he had enough of the day. With a decided walk, he took his belongings and didn't forget to slam the door behind him.

He would have called you, but you had gone back to your parents' home for the weekend and he knew how much you missed them. So he went to the studio and drowned himself in his music. Oddly enough, he had enough inspiration to write a song. It was mostly spiteful so he would never actually put it out, but it did help. Still, even after hours submerged in sound mixing and some recordings here and there, he could get rid of the anger Minho had grown in his core.

He really wished you were there.

three.

Jeongin stole his protein shake. For anyone else, this was not an issue at all. However, Changbin took his workout very seriously. So much so that it was almost to the point he'd pass it before the members. In this case, it was definitely that.

"It's half empty." he said through the phone.

The younger man having left to start his day already, he tried his best to justify his action from afar. "I stayed over last night and woke up late, this was the only thing I could digest quickly for the day. Anyway, you told me you'd make me one at some point."

Changbin scoffed. "I told you I'd make you one on the day you stop being a little shit."

"Hey, I have been nice for quite a while now."

"Congrats? What do you want me to say? Jeongin, this was perfectly mesured for me to get through the day and I was running out of protein powder so I was kind of counting on this one for my diet."

"Sorry, I didn't know."

"You could've asked at the very least."

"I said I'm sorry, really."

"Yeah right."

And he hung up, steam coming out of his ears as he stared at the shaker.

four.

The slam of the hotel room's door made your heart stop for a second. When your eyes laid on your boyfriend coming in, you calmed down immediately. Still, the look on his face didn't scream happiness and that perked some worry in you.

"Hey, baby." you said softly while he was taking his shoes off.

"Hi."

He didn't speak any more and dropped down on the chair opposite to where you were. You knew him better than anybody else but the expression on his face was unreadable. It was negative for sure but you couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly.

"How was the concert?" you finally broke the silence.

"The usual." he answered boringly.

"The fans?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "The usual."

Something was off and it annoyed the shit out of you. "Alright, what happened?"

"Nothing."

"I'm not taking this as an answer."

He sighed, already feeling defeated. He couldn't hide anything from you, even the slightest thing. He went up to you and sat on the bed.

"It's not that big of a deal but my mic was cut and I missed a whole rap verse."

You let out a breath. "That's a shame... They fixed it at least?"

"Yeah but I got nervous after and messed everything up. Chan was on my back for the rest of the night and it pissed me off. Like, I don't know, I was trying."

You shushed him quick by stroking his hand with your thumb. Instantly, you could see his whole body relax a little. You didn't need to ask for him to crawl next to you, allowing you to engulf him in a cuddle. Rubbing the sides of his body, you kept quiet as your sole goal was to comfort him.

Changbin felt his heart pound less and less as he melted under your touch. Affection has always worked on him as a way to relax but you were a special one. Your presence could be enough for him to forget about anything remotely frustrating. You were his safe space and he felt so much love for you, no shit he would calm down so fast.

"Thank you." he whispered with a smile.

"It's nothing. Now, how about I order us some food and we go to bed?"

He moved around so he could see your face and smirked. "Are you paying?"

"Don't push your luck, Seo."

@lenilla15 | @muddy-waters | @nanaspalette | @nattisbored | @popcatx0 | @vanblack95 | @aestheticsluut | @thanxxskz | @minhoino | @taetertotsv | @luvscrazy | @lethallyprotected | @foxinnie8 | @jisuperboard | @jihanlovic | @soobin-chois | @jinxwhore28 | @purplelandsworld | @yeojoongiee | @smugrogerina | @jaehyunicecream | @urmomlikeslinotoo | @syprosight | @thesassy-mia | @chaotic-world-of-the-j | @heartsforlevi | @miyakoa | @seungincore | @skzsilentcryy

Copyright © 2023 skzhua. All rights reserved.

[kenzan-brainrot-mp4]

ill be honest. 'you never could give up on that one' is going to be living rent-free in my head forever. this is my 'i wish i knew how to quit you'. crying screaming yelling ect

GOD RIGHT? RIGHT??? THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYIN

I've already said this before but while I was watching the cutscene I genuinely thought they were just going to keep dancing around mentioning Kiryu's name directly until Saejima and Majima finally went to his hospital room or we saw him in-person. So when Saejima just dropped "Kiryu Kazuma. You never could give up on that one." So straightforwardly it was genuinely like being punched in the gut. I Gasped bro. Also the close-up on Majima’s face was Crazy they really just called him out for his 20+ years of chasing hopelessly after Kiryu like that. That was history in the making right there (To me at least lmao). Screaming crying yelling thinking about this forever and ever

[a-s-levynn]

@lovingache @reveries-of-my-mind @sleepanonymous Sorry you had to wait this much but i fell asleep and then work happend and i rewrote the entire post because it made so little sense and yeah..

I certainly can't be brief with this so i'm gonna insert a cut but if you are interested, this is what ST helped and still helps me work through during my still ongoing journey of selfacceptance.

It is kind of messy, there is a lot of rambling and wandering of thoughts but finally here it is.

A lot of this is, i'm sure of it, is going to sound very familiar to you because there is a reason we gravitate towards Sleep Token. Yeah memes are fun, much shapes, the guys are cryptids, Vessel has a nice body, III is the fun chaos noodle ballerina whatever, II is cute how he simps for Vessel from behind the drumkit when he isn't destroying it, IV is obejctively the sexy one and all the shenanigens. Whatever. We all know. BUT. If we are honest we love all of it because how it was built up. Because we are all a bit broken inside in ways. And we have a way to channel it in a way many of us never been able to before. We are allowed to be broken and exist in a space where it is okay. It is understood. Like.. Never in my entire life been so comfortable with the scars on my arms as is was when i was waiting in que before an ST ritual. Just sayin..

But back to the topic. Sorry i'm prone to wander.

It's hard to get this together in a way that isn't too much about me but it is not an easy task let me tell you. I'll put a link to an abbreviated version of how i got to be the person i am because it retrospectively will add some additional context to this entire thing, but that's fully optional. But first:

a little context on how i fell into the ST pit anyway: I first found them when the second ep released. I liked the look, i checked them out solely because that masked look interesting, but i really did not vibed with the music. I wasn't listening to the lyrics.

Next time they came into my field of vision before the release of TPWBYT. I still wasn't fully sold but there were a few tracks that got trough to me from Sundowning. Still not all of it. I wasn't paying attention still.

And then the end of last year came and something started an itch in my brain to take them out again.. and i finally sat down and read the lyrics properly. I never in my entire life sobbed so uncontrollably like when i first experienced Atlantic with actually paying attention to the lyrics.

And then the TMBTE singles started to release, then the album came. It's not a coincidence i said it's akin to a pilgrimage. It was an emotional pilgrimage to me, and still is every time i do it. And i was fairly normal about all of it. It hit me for sure, but i actually was lost when i finally saw them live. It just broke through like a dam in a flood. That concentrated energy is something that is hard to describe. Anyway. Now here i am.

So the things Sleep Token helped me with, that 10+ years of objectively unsuccesful therapy miserably failed to achieve.

being able to cry properly

being unapologetic about what i like

being able to start to feel my feelings

being unashamed by feelings that are generally considered problematic

being able to process in a much more healthy way if something is not okay in my head

ST gave me a healthier coping album to listen to when i'm on my lows

I'm not saying i'm perfectly fine by a weave of a magical drumstic, what i'm saying is that i stab myself significantly less when i can't focus for the life of me.

So maybe go over the bulletpoints i guess?

1. crying

With ST i felt finally seen in a way i never had before. I never was a cryer, but since i actually got into ST, i do sometimes. Not all the time but probably a far healthier amount then before. Because not crying is unhealthy. It doesn't make you strong and all that crap. It just adds to the unnecessary weight you carry. Some realize this sooner and i'm so happy for them beause it is important.

2. being unapologetic of my interests

I meantioned it before, an it was what sprang this entire long ass post to existance, but let it be here as well: i was unlearning a lot of thing and being apologetic over what i like is one for them. And i was progressively better and better at it, but like lately it just blew through the stratosphere because one cannot talk about Sleep Token and not sound kind of mental at least a bit. And at this point i don't give a shit. I like what i like, it doesn't hurt anyone. If someone laughs at me for it? Good for them at least i made them smile.

The context of this is a friendgroup i was in from around 14 to 20 and it had good paarts but ultimately was an emotionally controlling one, which i realized far too late. And it already created patterns and habits. Needless to say, i don't talk to any of them anymore.

3. feeling the feelz

This is where i'm going to start to sound really weird i think but who knows.. maybe more of you are in the same shoes than i would think.

From a considerably young age i was repressing basically every strong emotion possible. Happyness, sadness, excitement even anger to a certain degree. It started with the sadness, and emotional pain but as with everything it spiraled out to the rest of my emotions. I was also basically in a constant fight or flight mode which just propells you forward at any given time, when you should have stopped to feel shit.

And after a while that creates this weird dissonance of not really feeling anything and at the same time having the empathy, emotional maturity and social awareness to understand how others feel in given situations. Moreover i was acutely aware how i should feel in certain moments, it just.. never really happend. I knew the correct answers to the proverbial questions but my brain just put up a wall and never let me actually feel anything. I was simply empty.

This created the perfect blank slate for me to be the quote on quote emotional mirror for all my friends and even family at times. So usually people came and still come to me to be a sort of free therapist or something like that. Just spitballing what they are going through and reflecting it back to help them understand. And don't get me wrong i love helping people, i really do, and also when the conversation is over, some of their relief is left behind for me and it was at least something.

But at the end of the day i was constantly left with this feeling of "who am i in all this?" , "where is the person whom i can call me?" and that is a very lonely place of being. Especially when you are younger. (This is i think, at least partially, why i may have caught on to the vibe what Vessel supposed to be about. Because either i like it or not, i get what it's like. At least a version of it. To be so empty that anything and everything that creates the illusion of feeling something, anything, it is good enough for the moment.)

And here comes Sleep Token again. Because the songs are highly, highly emotional. And here comes the brilliance of Vessel as a character because by design a vessel is a blank slate. Could be anyone, because it is supposedly empty. Which is a very familiar state of being for me. And that is what made for me so easy to connect and by proxy going through the motions and start to get eased into being comfortable with feeling things again.

It still in it's infancy, that is why i'm a wreck at days, because i'm still relearning stuff that was last natural for me around two decades ago. But i wanna get there. When i can just feel, without guidance. But this is something none of my supposedly professional therapist knew what to do with.

And here comes this british sadboy with his masks and bodypaint and i'm finally nudged away from point zero? Yeah, you can bet your ass i'll take my chances and be grateful for the rest of my life no matter how far it gets me. If it is a tenth of an inch than it is a tenth of an inch. It is still more progress than i ever had before.

4. being unashamed of feelz

Sounds contradictory to the previous point but not really. If you ever felt.. for example let's say obession, true obession you know it's not like any other feeling. It works differently. Not easily controllable and it could lead to anger and rage, end in agression, all sorts of not so great things.

These are stuff we all try to repress for understanable reasons. This is the stuff we know are bad because they usually can lead to bad things. We hear it all our lives. They aren't bad. Not necesseraly. So we shouldn't be afraid to feel them. Not without understanding they are there, either one wants it or not. These are just as natural than any other feeling and no less dangerous than the rest.

They are part of the human condition. But we need to learn to live with them and control them. Repressed things tend to just explode one day and that is when the damage happens. When something can exist in a controlled enviroment, and can be observed from different angles it can be understood. And we are usually not afraid of things we understand. We deal with them. That is the whole point.

And yet again, obsession is a heavy and somewhat recurring theme in ST lyrics either actually or on a meta level if you pay attention. And the way it is presented and integrated into the whole of the story created with the discography is what solidifies it as, a thing than can be observed. It can be understood.

And the honesty of how it is presented what makes me comfortable with the fact that no, i'm not a freak, i'm not abnormal because of it. But there is a conscientious choice to be made how i deal with it. How i learn to direct it to something positive and create something with it, insted of going the other way.

It's like murder. Everyone thinks about it. It doesn't mean everyone is a potential murderer waiting to snap. Fuck no. But we do think about it. Is it okay to think about it a lot? It's not my place to decide how much is too much. But thinking isn't the problem. It is how we talk about the fact that we think about it, can be a problem. Anyway i'm diverging to much into philosophising territories. It happens, sorry.

5. processing the mess in my head

This is a pretty straightforward one actually. My mind is a mess. My long term memory is patchy, the short term one is barely existant. I understand a lot of the world in certain ways but i know so little in others. ST makes me think a lot more.

I always catch a word or a phrase or a line, maybe a verse, that lodges itself behind my eye for a time and i just keep it rolling. Associating on it, connecting it to other stuff. It stops me for a minute and forces me to roll an idea over and over and over and over again in my head and just run with it until i end up with some sort of epiphany.

It doesn't have to be a big thing, it can be the smallest thing, something like a shiny glass ball in a box of far more interesting toys. But it is my glass ball, I picked the colour inside.

6. a healthier coping album

Yeah this one.. So for the longest time when my mind got murky and getting too lost into the void, music was what could drag me out of it. Since i was a kid, the album that could kick me back towards the tracks was Phobia from Breaking Benjamin. I put it on an usually by the end of it i sort of was back on a functioning state. Not a good place but a functionig one. But if you ever heard the album in it's entirety, it is hardly an uplifting one.

Now when i feel low i roll the first two ST albums in sequence. By the time i reach missing limbs i feel actually better. My mom put it to words really well when she said "I don't understand the words of what this man is singing about but i can guess he is not happy. Is it about sad things right? I feel that. But i like it because it feels more comforting instead of making me sad as well." And that i thinks sums it up pretty well. Because it is no longet the outstreched hand of you-are-not-alone but the outstreched soul that cries you-can-find-yourself-in-me. And that is the definition of comforting for me. (Yes i love that phrace because it fits, let me be proud of myself for saying something that sounds good for once.)

And that is pretty much it for now. There should be a few more things ST is a reasonably large part of my self-journey but i've gotta think on it more i think. I'm not even sure i realize all of it.

I'll link a separete post here at the end which sums up how i got to this place i am. It is heavily abbreviated but it is still feels too long. It is certainly far more personal than this but i think it adds context to what was written above. But i don't want to clutter this one with that kind of personal stuff, also it's just an optional thing for anyone who wishes to maybe understand me a bit better and where i come from. [link to said post] Just for the record: this post does mention mental a physical abuse (no sexual one), self harm, mental issues, so all the fun stuff, but does not detail it.

[jazzy-art-time]

I didn’t post about it on my mod blog because I didn’t want to dampen the spirits that everyone else was having but I’ll mention things.. briefly here before the year ends.

If you just follow me for art then you prolly wont know what I’m sayin!! Carry on soldier. I will post more art again soon, it’s just time for me to post a long text post that prolly 90% of the people here wont know wtf I’m on about!!

Putting under the cut to avoid long post/put that negative crap under wraps

This year was horrid for me. In many ways but.

The entire thing with the stalker/doxxer went.. a lot deeper than people realize it was. That’s due to me just not mentioning what happened directly but It wasn’t just hate and harassment and doxxing it was..

Abhorrent. I’ll spare the nitty gritty details, to be Frank idk what good it would do to mention it all.

But even so, I was not the best person this year due to this.

I became irrational and paranoid. I left places suddenly without a word (or was being told to and did so out of fear). I stopped talking to a lot of people and became more of a concept than a person to many. Got snappy and bitter a lot of the time as well. Just overall became afraid of everyone and didn’t trust anyone at all and it made me someone I didn’t want to be.

Regardless of the situation I was going through, I shouldn’t have acted in a lot of ways I did. I can play the “I was being abused so wehh it’s ok how I acted” card all I want but the reality is.. it wasn’t really cool of me. I’m a grown adult, I’ll own up to that.

And I know I caused a lot of people worry by my sudden disappearances or mood changes. I was too focused on trying to protect myself and those I cared about that I became a bit?? Of a prick. And honestly I feel like I caused more damaged trying to “protect” other people from the situation. Irony is a cruel mistress.

I let someone else get too much control over me and my actions and let them use my own mental illness against me and make me somewhat nasty.

But it wasn’t right of me, no matter the circumstance.

But it’s all over now! All over now… for now anyways. But I still have to look at the mess left in the wake of everything and try to reassemble what I can.

So, if you were someone who was effected by my irrational and erratic behavior.. I do apologize. Idk what real “good” me saying that does.. but I don’t want to just not say anything at all.

I’m not saying all this as a like NYEHEHE IVE APOLOGIZED AND NOW I EXPECT EVERYTHING TO RETURN TO NORMAL that’s not what’s happening trust me lol. This is just my own guilt welling up a bit and me chucking it out into the world for the time being

I’ve been drafting and deleting a post like this all week because I didn’t want to go into a new year just brushing everything aside. But kept wondering what good it would even do or who would even give a shit.

But. Here is this post! It exists, for now! Who knows I may wake up tomorrow and go WTF NO and delete outta paranoia. Idk!

All in all…

I’m going to spend 2024 trying to rebuild myself. I haven’t been.. myself in nearly 2 years due to everything (and IRL circumstances as well that I won’t get into).

I have a better support now. So that helps me and has been helping me get better again. Not just in recovery and help with legal things but like. Just emotionally keeping me in check lmao

So I hope in 2024, things will be better. If not for me, then for others at the very least.

I know this post was long and negative and repetitive, but if I spend too long revising it I’ll just delete it again.

Idk if anyone will actually read this but??? Shrugs. Oh well. If anything I’m being selfish and just posting this for my own personal “”closure”” if you will

Happy new years, see you all around.

[morethananhour]

putting all my concert thoughts in a poast before i forget. here we go mucho texto warning. also setlist talk is gonna be out of order probably

the drive to the venue took longer than anticipated, traffic was so backed because dfw is just Like That. dont come here. and ft worth especially oh my GODDDD but we made it in time for the maine. i missed the first opener again its fine

ive only listened to the maine casually over the years and i like them but THEY WERE SUPER FUN LIVE????? the energy was so high for such a short set and they honestly sound better live than album recordings. i may have to stan

also Bassist Hot whats his number

theyre all kinda hot really. from my distance at least. sorry

robby energy

the sound at dickies arena in general is just soooo much fucking better than an outdoor stadium the guitars and drums were up to 11, ppl werent wrong abt the sound quality in this venue. sux its in ft worth though ONE MASSIVE DOWNSIDE kfmjsdkglafk

amazing sound at the cost of my hearing because. i forgot to buy ear plugs again it hurt just a lil bit. especially the pyro. at least its only been 2 times so far I WILL LEARN MY LESSON NEXT TIME LOL

i accidently sat in the wrong section but the my actual tickets i bought were closer so WE TAKE THOSE!!! not close enough to see skin pores but still very much enough

jimmy sounded great!! didnt know most of the songs despite doing a bit of listening but i got bleed american and the middle at the end which both ruled so. worth it

kinda wanted the maine back but ITS OKAY NO SHADE

patrick message on the projector. which is funny for anyone at home but FOR ME THERE I WAS LIKE [DREAD] [DREAD] [DREAD] FUCK DFW WEATHER

imagining patrick doing vocal warmups in the car by himself did lighten my mood just a tad. i had no proof but a feeling he did that

and then the pete images. only got a glimpse thru shitty venue connection but that made me laugh

and my battery was already low so the waiting and stalling was painful 😭

i was directly diagonal from the guy in the east wing lower bowl that started a monkey-see-monkey-do light show thru the whole stadium while waiting for fob and i just love the goodness of people at concerts its everything to me PEOPLE ARE GOOD

the woman next to him also danced like a beautiful drunk swan the entire show and idk if i wanted to be her or be her friend

also if u saw plain ol me clear glasses brunette hair tourdust shirt and bracelets HI YES WAS I

i didnt feel like going around to trade bracelets again as nervous anticipation set in but i DID pick out an american psycho bracelet from a person who came up to me so i completely unknowingly manifested there holy fuck. im cherishing it forever thank u to that person

WRECKING BALL. LMAO

also i sang along to Thats What You Get by Paramore playing in overspeakers because thats my fucking band but I HEARD MORE PPL IN THE CROWD SING ALONG TO OLD PANIC WHICH PERSONALLY OFFENDED ME JUST SAYIN

wdstf singalong was everything. again the energy at concerts <3333 my people

LIKE 30-40 MIN LATER FOB IS ON FINALLY. i did not cry this time to lftos i was just glad they were there the worry Dissolved

joe and andy were so visible from my seats i stared at them both nearly the entire show. patrick brain out the window they are SO MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE IN PERSON IM TELLIN YALL 4K HIGH DEFINITION THRU MY EYEBALLS GOT MY BRAIN IN A. TORNADO!

photos and videos were not fantastic my phone is nawt the latest model so nothing worth posting here sadly. but for myself? everythang

IM KICKING MYSELF because i so clearly had andy in view for HIS DRUMSTICK THING DURING SUGAR but MY FINGER DIDNT PRESS RECORD BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

please. please if ur close to andy, video that for me i need it for no reason other than its my favorite lil thing that nobody at tourdust shows. thank u so mch

NO CHICAGO FOR ME THIS TIME getting doa twice is kinda crazy ngl

patrick apology (no tears) for grand theft autumn was funny

andy and pete had cute smiley interactions around disloyal order during the set. or before that idk. i know a bubble hit andy's drum kit (or he swatted it away himself?) and they were smiling at that 😭😭😭 theyre litrly besties do u understand.........

of course p squared still did their signature scissoring techniques thank u for that old men

NO HEAVEN IOWA. THEY SKIPPED HEAVEN IOWAA FOR DOLDRUMS. i still went hard of course but CONSIDERING HOW GR8 THE SOUND WAS I WAS ONLY SLIGHTLY BUMMED

you dont even wanna know how estatic i was for hum hallelujah. i had to get myself proof of it for it to be real. tahnk u. ill never recover ever. peace and love in my brain

i dont rememebr certain songs where joe had this very specific swagger but he so very much did i saw him. with my own eyes. (in the voice of the luke skywalker tweet) dont worry joe i'll appreciate ur cuntiness

headfirst slide. in this venue.

oh my god bro

both p squared riffs <3 especially the one near the end where pete saw someone watching shit on their phone nd said it was basketball JEYDEUGHEKDLK patrick chiming in w something about dont make fun of his step-dad. gold.

saying smfs reminded him of texas #TEXANPRIDE #COWBOYS

PATRICK DURING RIFF SAYNG HIS GLASSES ARENT CURRENT PRESCRIPTION. THE REVEAL THAT HE STILL CANT SEE. WE LOST

medley was like. a relief to me because i expected it it was like a cool towel in the midst for what was about to come. cant blame the guy for getting literally zero practice beforehand fmdsjfdslg

the 8 ball.

i cried BIG PHAT BABY TEARS

i love them more than words can say. i didnt know i needed it but i did

im still emotional thinking abt it

saturday aftercare cured all (even though i was WOOPED from going so hard EVERY SONG. couldnt scream anymore my voice is still shot. i refuse to NOT go as hard as i do)

i think that is all the notable stuff i remember i wish i couldve written down stuff on the ride home BUT i will add more if i think of it. overall its hard to say which show i liked better they both meant the absolute world to me!!! FALL OUT BOY FOREVER

[freebooter4ever]

I think a lot of the dweebyness came from his early years during his shy, awkward, aww-shucks era. once he got more confident with english, he shifted to a more jock-y vibe

Haha, sorry yall are never gonna convince me that malkin was ever dweeby. Jock is winning the poll btw:

I do, however, totally buy that an american audience mostly comprised of sports fans would look at a teenage boy struggling with a language barrier and immediately label him as 'different' and 'awkward' and 'quiet' and 'dweeby' and a whole bunch of other labels that shoves him into a box and then expect him to stay in that box because they've already decided on what kind of person he is.

We know how our (US) culture works, there's hundreds of american high school movies testifying to the sports/popularity hivemind.

But thats a temporary ostracization. It doesn't feel the same as the more personality-based, more permanent ostracization of the stereotypical 'dweeb' in high school. It's very different to grow up with a bunch of kids in the same neighborhood and watch yourself slowly become excluded and ignored as you get older. that wasnt me - my mother was my bully and from elementary school on she forced me into a form of social normal that made me invisible rather than a target for school bullies. (I dont know if i would reccomend this parenting style though). But i was friends with most of those kids - the ones who nobody would talk to and everybody would make fun of behind their back (we were post c*lumbine so outward bullying was frowned upon). That boy in my square dancing class was one of the few male dweebs, his name was yusef - like joseph but with a "y" and "you" sound. And im not kidding, i dont think the poor kid ever had any friends? Even i couldnt get him to talk, and ive always been pretty good at drawing people out of their shell. Most of the dweebs were girls - colleen, diane, stephanie, alicia - all my friends, all of whom i remember better than the jocks at our school. And absolutely a conscious choice on my part, i remember the point in elementary school when i was walking home with a few girls i knew and they saw colleen and diane a half block ahead of us (within hearing distance), and immediately started pointing out everything that made the two 'dweeb' girls weird and what was wrong with them. And i didnt even say anything i just glared at the girls i was with and ran ahead to walk with colleen and diane instead. And that was that, i knew i had picked sides, i wasnt ever going to join in with the people who make fun of those that are different \o/

aaand now im dealing with a total new form of social ostracization here in LA that feels eerily familiar, but whereas in school you could ignore the social game playing and succeed in spite of them, here suddenly what job you get hangs on who you know. Everybody always used to bug me like 'why are you staying in pittsburgh so long, why havent you tried to make it in the real industry yet' and my answer was always a) i loved my team and they needed me and b) i was art director so had more creative freedom (and my own office) than i could expect to have anywhere else. But i think truthfully in the back of my mind i kinda knew - there were enough hints over the years - what this city would be like and that i would be abysmal at fighting to survive in it.

Anyway im just sayin i dont think malkin - or any of these hockey players - has ever dealt with that level of social ostracization. Its nice watching these guys be nice to other people they consider on their level, and really cute and enjoyable. But for me at least there's always that awareness that if any of them met me, im not the type of person they'd consider worthy of time or attention - probably wouldnt be outright mean, but absolutely would be trying to avoid any lengthly association lol. I think its one of the main differences between being in sports fandom vs books or movies.

ALTHOUGH god, i will never ever forget the day i met one of my biggest childhood heroes - an author about my age 24ish. Who i idolized because she was living my dream - getting to write and create for a living and starting at such a young age. And she was mostly indifferent to me, didnt say much, didnt interact, just signed the book. And i shrugged it off. But then this teenage girl came up, just radiating what we'd call dweebiness. Her hair was a mess, face full of acne, awkward, but loud and really enthusiastic about the book, and desperate for someone to share that enthusiasm. And the author was mean. And cold. To this teenage girl who obviously idolized her and would have killed to have some sign of approval even if it was faked. Anway, instead this teenage girl latched onto me and i had to try to make up for the bitchy author but i knew my approval wasnt worth nearly as much and it broke my heart. I havent read or bought a single one of that author's novels since.

so yeah, its not just jocks, but they have the worse reputation in media.

[sixflame438]

yup basically some people do gap years as a breather yk just to let loose but yeah. hands on stuff is always the way to go but yk different strokes for different folks. personally interested in the most random things ever. currently into photography (just a hobby i would never pursue it as career no hate just not my thing) but cameras are just fascinating 😔 like from the output and just how the mechanics work like science is just 😚👌 also been into other things they’re just meh ig. i try to stray away from the things that are related to my degree. hbu, any interest other than writing? and honoured to be kiwi anon 🙂‍↕️

- 🥝 (?)

no u right for photography tho like its real cool how it can capture moments forever and stuff. also cameras just look so cool (both professional and vintage)

you know i still dont think of writing as my hobby, maybe i will one day. Like i dont do it much and ive never been a fan of english at all, writing paragraphs aint fun at all but yet here i am enjoying it to a degree.

hobbies are my life i tell u. i had a cardboard era where id make random ass shit from it, swords, vending machines, pinball machines, trucks and trains etc. strangely enjoyed learning the mechanisms behind vending machines in particular dont know why. more current tho id say collecting kpop albums / pcs , building lego and every now and then i have this random arty project i work on in the side. used to game a bit, not as much anymore oh and im a pokemon fan so i used to collect the cards too

BRO so this lady walked into work today and after ordering she started preaching about how bad the gov is and how the pm is gonna take everyone down w him. like im sure theres some truth to what shes sayin but i dont even know who the current pm is or what the state of the gov is like so im the wrong person to talk to but its not ok bc she proceeded to repeat the same thing to any and every person in the building. what shes on idk but i do know she was interrupting my music listening experience (missed yujins chorus line to TKO :(( )

[thingsdontgetbetter]

yeahh anyway part 2/x

end of that rant and onto basically i guess my suicide note for my dear friends! i left a note for the apartment people that is intentionally very vague because my past attempts have always failed and its the worst feeling in the world to try and explain the note to whoever stops you or finds you, and i dont want that at all, which is why i can delete this if i live through this somehow, and on top of that, i dont think most of the people i know will ever find this. its basically to just you three. if you want to share this to anyone i guess go ahead because if this gets posted i dont think im around to care about it

ive thought about where ive been this exact day each year for the last 10 years, and each year its with someone i had i was super close to that i dont have anymore. and for this entire time i can say specifically this person was really bad to me, this person was harmful to others, what we had was temporary, or whatever, but the idea it is a theme that keeps repeating until i have no one left and no ability to let someone like that back in, i think more than anything is a signal of me, in the possibilities of like, maybe i am not a good person to be around, maybe i attract these kinds of people, maybe i in a way are also these people, maybe i cant keep anyone around, maybe i am the common denominator in way you cut it. and i think one if not all of these is true. i think i have some kind of deep dark evil hatred like super deep ingrained in my heart that will never be gone. i think i find comfort and similarity in finding things to hate because thats all ive known growing up, i think i am happier when im upset, i think i use that to manipulate people to whenever i need something to hate making them think im a victim somehow, and i dont want to and i dont mean to, but i know my elder relatives were like that and im never in my head to verbalize in my mind thats what im doing, i dont do it consciously, but in that way still, i take and i hurt everyone i care about. i wont let myself or others be happy. it will eventually always happen that i make a falling out with someone because if that doesnt happen im unfamiliar with whats going on i dont know what is happening.. and i make whatever needs to happen to feel that cycle again. in the period before i do this i get seriously codependent on a single person, to where i live my life for that person, and my being is made to cater to whatever that is, and i do that i think in response to the feeling of not wanting to be alone, to finding a person that makes me happy and wanted, to never ever wanting to let that go, selfishly, until it finally boils up to constricting that persons abilities, and when they start freaking out for needing space, i cant take the rejection of losing that, and make myself the victim. i wish i couldve broken this down in therapy, but the last 6 months have been mostly figuring out short term disability. i figured out i was not getting paid for the disability about 1-2 weeks ago, sometime at the beginning of june, and i knew then there was no getting out of needing to off myself. the reasoning for their rejection is that i didnt provide my hr with all the documentation for my leave, which they never said they needed, and i did provide my hr with that information, but the way short term leave works with my job is in periods of 2 weeks at a time, and since i missed sending them the same paper that they requested for 2 weeks in februrary at a specific time (i sent it to them after when i realized it worked this way but it was too late for it to be recognized) they never accepted it, they just had it under a status of documentation not found. and im technically still with my job, but if i said ok stl over im coming back tomorrow, my manager would say we dont have that documentation youre fired. i cannot go back, i cannot send them the documentation, and im stuck in this kind of limbo. ive honestly been waiting for that email saying "youre fired!!" if it had come especially earlier i couldve at least applied for unemployment benefits or something, which would not have been a lot a week, but it still wouldve been something.

[yamchaas]

Man I love the tag system on this site it is just such a nice feature <3

[cheapcookiez]

(/^▽^)/ - Smooool pewdieken doodle ‘cause i saw those awesome gifs by @xcaptainhannax

(thankies a lot !there not a lot of gifs of them !)

-From this video -

___

Bruh,Sorry btw!i’ve not drawn this bro’ship since a while! Hope i’ll find some time for drawing them later. Or maybe make a smol comic book.who knows... The smol piece of kakez i am is in their pewdieken mood again!( ƅ°ਉ°)ƅ

[gokugf]

well i think i have something to say

(tw under the cut!!)

a year ago this week was when i had my..... attempt and had to go stay in the hospital and do therapy school and all that and while i wish i could say i am doing better now, im not sure that i can

but. i can say that instead of filling out a hospital meal plan sheet, tonight i was sitting in orchestra playing music that i certainly hadn’t practiced and i dare say that might be something a little better

[iliveinprocrasti-nation]

things i did in first grade (ages 6-7) because i just remembered how i was kinda weird:

- would constantly drag my mum outside to play frisbee with me. it did not matter the weather. i remember playing frisbee in snow that was almost knee deep. Frisbee Was Required

- our house had a frog pond (although the frogs had literally taken over everywhere like we technically had a pool too but it was really just a second frog pond). i taught myself to hand catch the giant bullfrogs we had, some of which would be about as big as my face. pretty much all of my time that year was spent catching frogs. i would get home from school and be out for multiple hours until the sun went down

- brought both my pet venus fly trap plant and my own teeth (not baby teeth, i had to get my 6 year molars out so the teeth were relatively huge and kinda gross, especially to first graders) to class show and tell

- dressed up as wednesday addams for halloween. i had my mum dye my hair for it. i chose this costume on my own and refused to go as anyone/anything else

- my favourite show was a canadian show called mystery hunters which, among debates like aliens and ghosts, also went over things like the romanov assasination and bog bodies and strange murder cases. i would watch it daily and was incredibly invested

[splatoontimothy]

if i never see another Ace Discourse™ post again it'll be too soon so like hey if u plan on posting something of that nature if u could just do me a favour and block me,, that'd be just swell