#and its stupid and very bpd of me to feel the way i do about that small thing they said

[peri]

the urge to contact everyone youve ever cut off is so strong all the time 24/7

[synthetic-sonata]

really awesome day to think everythings going alright and then you wake up and get hit in the face twice in a row

[323cutie]

makes me love you even more. | jyh

pairing ୨୧ yunho x reader

word count ୨୧ 800

genre ୨୧ fluff, hurt/comfort

warnings ୨୧ mentions of breakdowns/feelings of inadequacy/like everyone hates u, the like! very bpd coded reader <3

author's note ୨୧ hi guyz. had a rough night the other night and well ! i just think yunho would be very kind and understanding. hehe.

You wish being self-aware made your breakdowns easier.

Maybe breakdown is a strong word. It all came on so quickly, no build up, just open floodgates. One thing that probably doesn’t even mean what your cruel brain wants you to believe it does… and still. Still. You’ve spent the day in bed, scrolling on your phone in silence. Thinking and thinking and thinking…

Maybe no one really likes you. Maybe your friends just felt bad for you all those years ago, and you latched on and won’t let go. Maybe they see your messages and grimace at their phone, leave you on read because they don’t want to talk to you. Maybe they’re sick of constantly having to reassure you – 

A little voice in you says, ��that’s not true.” Whatever hope in it is crushed by the weight of thoughts that aren’t your own.

Curling yourself into a ball in your sheets, you contemplate running away, starting a new life. Let your eyes water thinking about how it might be better for everyone you know, let a few tears slip before you can stop yourself. But you wipe your face as fast as you can even though you’re alone like it might help you feel more put together.

You hear the jingle of keys right outside your door followed by the lock clicking open. You know who it is, but even if you didn’t, you’re not sure you’d have the energy to do anything about it.

“Heyo,” Yunho’s voice echoes through your apartment, followed by a singsong drawl of your name. You don’t bother calling out to him – you’re sure he’s seen your car in its parking spot, and your bedroom door is open anyways. He’ll find you.

One second he’s in your doorway. You blink and he’s crawling onto your bed with you.

“Hey, sweetpea,” he murmurs once he’s close enough, hands finding your body under the duvet. His voice alone cools the red-hot dread in your veins to a low simmer. His fingers grab for your arms, your waist, your hands. They turn you around until you’re face to face, trail up and down your silhouette. Yunho’s eyes are full of concern and love, and you feel so stupid.

You hear him sigh when you push your face into his shoulder, feeling his arms come around you to hold you to him. You spend a while breathing him in – the mix of his soap, the freshness of what you can only imagine is the new cologne he was telling you about a few days ago. There’s something else in there, something particularly Yunho. Familiar, and warm, and comforting.

You don’t know how much time passes before you finally will yourself to distance yourself from his embrace, but when you do he still holds you close. He’s worried, you know. You would be too. If it were him, well… 

“Bad day?” is all he asks when you don’t say anything, and you breathe out a shaky sigh with a nod. His hands squeeze your waist like it pains him, too. 

“Really bad,” you say. Your voice is rough and wavering. You hope he doesn't notice the tremble in your lip. “It just feels like – like… no one really – cares, or –”

Your own gasp cuts you off and Yunho coos, murmuring words you can't really hear. He strokes the back of your head and presses his lips to the tip of your nose and lets you gather yourself. 

You finally get air back in your lungs, vision a little less blurry. “I won't make you say anything, you know that,” Yunho whispers. His fingers trace random shapes on your skin, wherever he can reach. “Take your time with it. I’ll be here.”

And the way he says it just about brings you back to life – an understanding. He knows how you work, how your brain conspires against you sometimes, that you know it too, but it's hard to bypass. You feel stupid for ever doubting it. Awful for ever thinking of him in that way, so cruel to you, when he's here picking up your pieces.

“Sorry,” you say. Yunho looks at you like you’re crazy and you can't help a little giggle, but it eases the crease between his brows. “For crying. And for thinking you hate me.”

He softens at your words, practically wraps himself around you. You hold him just as tight, fingers curling into his hair, splayed along his back. “Could never hate you, sweetpea,” he says, nose buried in the crook of your neck. His voice is muffled by your skin, but you hear him loud and clear.  “I think it’s impossible.”

You breathe him in as deeply as you can, commit all of this to memory to revisit on your worst days. Take note of the glimmer in his pretty eyes, hair tousled from your fingers and your pillow, curve of his lips when he tells you, “I love you.”

You believe him.

[drdemonprince]

Autistic friend anon here — thank you so much for your answer and the substack post. I was kind of stuck in the “rejection” feeling of “wait but if being autistic isn’t a bad thing then why are you so upset at the idea that YOU might be autistic”. I took it really personally and wasn’t really thinking about how much it sucks when someone acts like they know you better than you do. I’ll have to keep working through that.

I also often get stuck in the idea that “well if someone had just TOLD ME I was queer/trans/autistic then I could have figured it out sooner and life would be better” or whatever. But after many years of being out as queer/trans, I think that isn’t actually true and even if it is, I don’t interact with other possibly queer/trans people by “diagnosing” them with queerness/transness any more. In my head it seemed like autism was different for some reason, but of course it is not.

Anyway, your answer was really thoughtful and diplomatic, while also being very clear about what is bad behavior on my part. It is genuinely going to be a big benefit in my life.

Hey, nice to hear from you again!

I totally feel you. When I told a friend years ago that I thought she might be a BPDer, I was incensed that she ended up not taking that comment well. I meant it in an affirming, pro-Mad-Pride kinda way! I was a BPDer too! if she thought it was bad to be BPD, what did that mean she thought about me?

But I was looking at it the wrong way. I had just hurled a still very stigmatized label in her direction as a response to her complaining about real relational struggles in her life, which felt diminishing and presumptive. Telling various people in my life that I'm pretty sure they're Autistic can have a similar effect, even if they're on board Autism acceptance as an idea.

I used to fixate on the time I lost not realizing I was trans or queer or whatever the fuck I am yet. I had a vision of an older me materializing before me at age 16, specifically on the corn-lined roads I used to bike up and down furiously, and imagined telling myself the Truth of who I was and what I had to do to be happy. I believed that if i had known I was trans younger I would have avoided a lot of upsetting relationships, eating disordered periods, and general angst.

Now. I am pretty damn sure that is not true. It turns out that being trans was not a solution to all my problems, it was just another problem that I had. In the sense that it's a challenge to navigate on this bitch of an earth. if i hadn't chosen to be trans i would have chosen some other shit to do that also would have been a major pain in the ass i'm sure. that too would have been an interesting back story.

I dont think I was ever going to be outgoing and unneurotic and breezily well adjusted. That's not my lot in life. Feeling a little uncomfortable in my body and around other people is as definitional a part of me as my wit or my weird laugh. I can kinda love that about myself now, or at least accept it. nothing and nobody actually could have saved me. its just not that simple. but it's been a pretty interesting life.

i think we tend to impose our self-narratives onto other people when we are not happy or we are harboring deep regrets about having gotten something wrong or missed something in the past. but we cant spare our friends those journeys. they should get to have them. it's interesting and enriching to get things wrong, be in denial, cope in elaborate stupid ways, soul search, change our minds, miss something, find something, never know what's true.

[mochamoth]

Hi here are some cringey ooc headcanons of Samarie because she's my favorite character.

(Ever. Like out of every franchise to exist.)

-She's autistic and has BPD.

-Her voice is very quiet and deep. She often speaks too softly to be heard unless the person is fully paying attention.

-She's picky with food because growing up she mostly ate the same food every day. That being said she is more opened to try sweet food, she likes sweet flavors.

-She's surprisingly decent at makeup, she just doesn't like wearing it (besides her lipstick). It's mostly because she's insecure about her face, plus she fears it'll draw attention.

-Very sweaty and clammy. It's her constant state of being it can't be helped unfortunately.

-She has a special interest in bugs, specifically moths.

-Despite hc she has a deep, creepy voice I think it'd be funny to make her sneezes overly loud for no reason.

-She likes reading, art, and collecting weird shit. She has a collection of (humane) taxidermy insects, bones, stuff Marina left lying around in the open, gifts from Marina (she cherishes those), and TONS of books about moths.

-This mf can't smile to save her life. They always either looked way too force or downright creepy.

-She didn't fully speak until she turned around 14 maybe 15. She knew how to speak she just didn't see a reason to do so outside of spells. She only started speaking because she planned on greeting Marina properly (never happened, she freaked out last minute and couldn't go through with the plan).

-She enjoys doing seemingly immature activities. Like making friendship bracelets or playing field games. She didn't have much of a childhood (if at all) so she's grown fond of the idea of doing all those fun, childhood related things.

-I see her and Abella being friends. This is mostly related to OC stuff I don't feel like yapping about, but basically I think Abella helps Samarie get more confident in herself.. Or at least give her the nerve to speak up (and actually say hi to people instead of oh idk following them around cough COUGH).

-She sleeps a lot. That's all.

-Rip Samarie you would've loved Monster High 😔🙏.

-I doubt this is a hc becuase pretty sure its canon, but she has an asymmetrical face. Which I love.

-She enjoys singing. It's not a hobby or passion of her's, more just something she does whenever she's painting or showering, even writing.

-Oh yeah speaking of she has a diary. She's been writing in it since she was very little and it one of the few things she managed to keep after (eventually) getting out the Ninth Circle.

-Best case scenario she gets the help she needs and slowly heals. Ik she is dying and that canonly she WILL be dead soon no matter what. This is MY out of character headcanon list, let me be cringe and stupid in peace 😔‼️

-She's a light weight. Just a feeling.

-She can be extremely paranoid alone in public places, she's either worried she'll get taken or worried people are judging and staring her down. Either way not a good time.

That's it for now, I'll make more if I come up with more and if I feel confident enough to post them 🙏

[cowchickenbeefpork]

Ummm thoughts about Ed’s NPD and BPD? Interested to hear especially after reading your fic

AAAAA THANK YOU FOR READING IT!!!!! with my worldview of Ed having both I feel like his NPD is more prominent and noticeable, it's his first go-to when it comes to his defenses even if he is hiding it (aka season one, I would say he is more overt in his narcissistic vulnerability while covert in his grandiosity in that season, he flip flops around a lot in his presentation on his narcissism in the series buttttt from what I can remember he goes back and forth from hiding his grandiosity but not hiding his vulnerability to hiding his vulnerability but not his grandiosity.) his bpd came first to me, and since most people dont like those traits and he often gets maniuplated for them, he tries to repress it and focus on his narcissism. his npd also keeps him from splitting on himself more often too, both borderlines and narcissists often times see everything as either good or bad, you either are all good or your all bad, which is why treatment is often very hard for both of these groups because no one is all good or all bad. this is why narcissists try to avoid anything that shows a flaw in how they view themselves, they cannot have done a bad thing, since doing a bad thing means they are a bad person, their defenses are more stable and hard to overcome than a borderlines because of this.

i think a easy way to tell is how people with npd and people with bpd split. since npd is more so focused on the self and maintaining the ego, theres three catergories of viewing relationships instead of just two. the first one is someone to perform to, someone to get easy praise from and being able to keep your self essteem in check so you can still feel good about yourselves ( i dont think i need to state here that narcissistss dont actually love themselves, only the image they are trying to contain, this kind of splitting can also be seeing the person theyre performing for as a equal but its not really close, its more superficial ). the two other types are more devaluing, the second kind of narcisstic splitting is seeing someone as someone to inghore, someone who just does not get it and is too stupid too ever get it, the thrid one is the most simliar to borderline splitting since it sees the other as a predator, someone trying to sabotage and hurt them and trying to vitcimize them.

bpd splitting is more so focused on the other, seeing them as someone who is just perfect and you want to know everything about them and always make them happy and how they're just perfect, to them being someone being an abuser manipulator who never cared or loved them in the first place. both of these kinds of splitting are similar in structure but still different, narcissism still mostly focuses on the self while borderline focuses more on the other, narcissism as a defense mechanism is more so focused on the superficial while borderline is more focused on the personal.

when you apply this logic to how ed splits on people, then you kinda start to see this way of performing to keep his ego in check just does not apply to how he treated oswald! his attempts to please him and to help him were exteremly self sacfricial and often put his life on the line! he didnt need to do all of this for oswald to get oswald's praise and admiration, what he does for oswald is more simliar to a borderline wanting to do anything for their favorite person and showcase how much they care for them than a narcissist thinking they met an equal which brings their self essteem up! in the end of how the riddler got his name ed said he based his whole self worth on oswald, and instead of letting himself grieve normally, he tells himself he doesnt need anyone anymore and that hes fine now. the narcissism took over, it didnt even let him fully grieve. he didnt see oswald as just someone to bring his ego up like he did with kristen he didnt reduce oswald's existence to just that, oswald was the only person who ever loved or cared for him and was this amazing figure who ended up being someone who never actually loved him and was only using him in ed's eyes.

i would argue his relationship with lee was more so borderline too, she was the only person he was close to and was the only person who could take his shit during that whose collapse of his ego. he genuinely cared for her and was willing to kill himself out of paranoia he would hurt her! that is not narcissism, he did have narcissistic intentions with their relationship at the start of season four, but it changes into the codependency similarly to what he had with Oswald, only this time being a bit more one sided

That's why ed sticks to his narcissistic defenses more, because, to Ed, this is the only way you can love someone! you can only ever fully love someone if you would basically cut off your whole arm for them just to give them a gift, there are no boundaries! if he only acts selfish in his relationships then he will end up killing them like he did with Kristen too, so as a cope he pretends he doesn't want or desire close relationships during the later seasons, trying to paint himself as a cold logician just so he can have some admiration and praise and love but only from a distance since he knows if he gives too much, something like what happened with Oswald might happen again, and if he takes too much, something like what happened with Kristen might happen again. an Oswald will lead him into being weak and dumb, and a Kristen will lead him into being a monster who only exists to leech off and hurt others. if he just doesn't date then he can never experience either event again and can brush them off like they say nothing about him.

IDK if this whole thread makes any lick of sense, I don't think he was being borderline with Kristen but I do think he realized she was a real person with her own beliefs and opinions only after he killed her, which caused him to panic and repress any guilt or grief he had for the incident and convince himself it was no one's fault and was just destined to happen. Edward is terrible at accepting he did something awful or has emotions and needs, so he represses whatever he feels that conflicts with the image he has of himself and thinks that will be his permanent solution when it always fails him after a few months. he basically ignores and represses his borderline until he finds someone who seems like they are amazing to him which is just. kinda explodes all over the place I AM SO SORRY THAT HIS WHOLE EXPLANATION SUCKS ASS I HOPE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR ASK QUESTIONS IF I WAS UNCLEAR!!!!

[qoldenskies]

Donnie changes so much from the beginning vs the end of Caged lungs, I cant help but wonder how he'd FEEL if he saw into his future and saw how he turned out/interacted with him…. like how would he react if he saw?

he would not believe it.

the implicit message of the scene above (or not so much, its not super subtle or anything) is "if i was in that situation, if someone hurt me and lied to me so directly and obviously, i would not fall for it." he says this, not knowing that thinking this way is the exact thing that dooms him to being unresisting towards the abuse. i was also kind of drawing a parallel between splinter not seeing anything in big mama and donnie not noticing the obvious signs in his own brothers (in both cases the red flags were RIGHT THERE. from an outside perspective, DUH, especially because in both cases the audience goes into it knowing that the turnout is going to be negative. easy for you to say. easy for donnie to say), even if the context/type of relationship is different, because i love paralleling the boys with their dad and i cant help myself

is it hubris? partially. but more than anything else its this unshakable pride in THEM. donnie feels like he has to earn their love, and always outdo himself, even if logically he knows better, and knows that they're not going to drop him the second he messes up (its why i mentioned bpd coding in the tags, sometimes the mental illness will just do that to you no matter how well you rationalize it). they took advantage of this. donnie's self-worth centers around his family, and their approval is where his confidence is born from, and having his pride in THEM broken is what breaks him.

if you told donnie at any point before CL's events what would happen, he would not believe it. if you told him about the curse, he'd say he knows them well enough to know that something would be wrong, not knowing that even when it happened he DID. the whole time he knew something was wrong. but they twisted it to make him think something was wrong with HIM.

he'd think the very concept would be ridiculous. i think he knows how well his family could break him if they really wanted to, because he knows deep down how fragile he's always been. but the illusion hasn't been shattered, it wouldn't process to him how possible it is. he'd know better. it's his job to know better! he's the smartest, he's not that stupid, wouldn't it be obvious? they wouldn't hurt him like that anyway! not like that! (and deep down he thinks: yes they would. it was only a matter of time.)

but through time travel fuckery (or alternate universe fuckery if we're talking about canonverse) if he actually MET cc!donnie? immediate shock and horror. then probably adoption. this is a version of him that has been reduced down to what's essentially the soft underbelly he works hard to protect, the weakest and most vulnerable parts of himself that he's afraid of speaking just in case his worst fears come true, and once he gets over the initial shock and shame of having to confront this part of himself, he would guard him with his life.

[notjennyfromtheblocked]

Im deliberately sending this off anon so you can see that you arent being 'attacked' by 'Anne', and the fact youre even discussing it that way is ableist as fuck. Im going to start this by making it clear, I have BPD, Im also trans and you will not be knowing my AGAB. You are the asshole in this situation.

We're going to start off simple, you are not an expert on BPD, google and tiktok is full of misinformation and harmful stereotypes about Borderline pplo. BPD is not an 'abusive person' disorder, there is no such thing as a condition that makes you an abusive person. BPD does cause intense, deep emotions that can shift quickly and be hard to control; often this includes having intense feelings for people around them and being scared of losing them/them not being who you thought they were. Because this condition comes from trauma (usually from family/relationships) there are often amplified feelings around abanonment and betrayals of trust especially from ppl you thought were your friends. It is in fact common for some of our nost intense lifelong interests start bc of stupid reasons, but starting bc of a stupid reason doesnt mean the interest isn't genuine. Have you never done something bc your friend wanted you too and you ended it up loving it? Why is it any different bc it was a crush not a friend? BPD doesnt make you a manipulative person, nor does it make you gaslight ppl and seeing as 'anne' has a psychiatric degree Im sure he understands his condition better than you do.

Secondly, 'Anne' is allowed to be trans in whatever way he wants too, she doesnt have to bind, or pack, or change his appearance for anyone. I have a beard, long hair, wear any kind of clothes I want, have tits, have bulge, am hairy and wear a full face of makeup. Some of those things are part of my agab, some of them a part of my transition. And its not a single iota of your goddamn business whether youre friends or not. Gender is a performance and you get to choose the outfit and 'Anne' is deciding what she want his to look like.

Thirdly, you do not seem to understand that part of the reason you very clearly show yourself to be the asshole is the way you speak about others. Describing being an introvert as being more sophisticated or above extroverts is just ridiculous, you are not superior bc you dont go out to parties. I don't either, I find them uncomfortable and loud, but that doesnt make me sophisticated. You talk about 'Mike' as if he cannot be the arbiter of his own interests or relationship, that hes just stupid and couldnt piece it together if 'Anne' was 'faking'. You talk about 'Anne' like she's some master manipulator but you did everything that happened to yourself, you went to the GC and convinced them that something was wrong, you took a group of ppl who didnt know 'Mike' to 'Anne's' house to confront him, you made a callout post about 'Anne' on facebook, you tried to immediately go running to 'Mike' for damage control when your 'intervention' didnt work and you are the person that blasted it all over facebook and now tumblr. And now you are the one losing friends and family, and you deserve it, because the ppl you convinced to attack 'Anne' realised wtf they'd just done and how fucking horrendous that is. You have no evidence of any manipulation, or that 'Anne' is faking, or that 'Mike' isnt happy, you just presented your prejudice. 'Mike' and 'Anne' realise what youve done and they have enough proof to convince a judge or they wouldnt have gotten that restraining order. You are the person behaving manipulative here and everyone can see it except you.

I've tried writing a response to this so many times but I end up deleting it because when I try to explain myself it just sounds like I'm going in circles. There are tons of other asks I've tried answering and rewritten like seven times each before giving up. I've been writing over and over trying to explain like how while yeah technically Mike never told me word for word that he was T4T, when he told me I wasn't his type and then like two days later came out as trans it felt very, very much like he was coming out specifically to let me know that's why I wasn't his type. Or how I was trying to explain how look I know it might be controversial but the constant "main character syndrome" of extroverts just gets on my nerves and is supremely selfish in general and also the truth is you're just GOING to be more intellectual if you spend your free time actually expanding your mind instead of smoking pot and grinding against strangers and how someone like Mike who prefers the same free time activities as I do is just not going to work with someone who would rather party and get wasted than pick up a book, or how Anne is pretending to be trans and I know this because she isn't changing ANYTHING, and I was going to explain that the group chat was full of people she didn't know because it initially was a fandom ship discord from a show she doesn't watch but eventually when I started getting concerned yes it kinda became my "complain about Anne" vent place because nobody there really knew her well enough to go tell her what I was saying and it was a safe place for me to vent and explain why I thought she was abusive and cheating and they would actually listen instead of tell me to knock it off like others, and obviously OBVIOUSLY I thought her and I were close enough as friends she wouldn't mind me using her spare key which she kept under the doormat so it's not like I searched hard. I've written all of that so many times to so many different asks I can't even count and then i just end up deleting it because it feels pointless to even try because I know people will just keep sending asks so why bother so I never wrote it til just now unless I deleted it.

Im gonna be totally fully honest here I woke up and I saw the 99+ notifications in my inbox and I haven't been able to stop shaking because I'm so fucking angry because nobody is on my side, I literally scrolled hoping to find at least one person who was agreeing with me and nobody was and honestly I was so mad I couldn't even see and then I finally found a couple of nice asks and they were signed and I was so excited someone finally agreed with me and when I checked on their blogs they were all fucking terfs. All of the people who were taking my side were fucking terfs. And like I'll be honest with you I have two very close family members who are trans and honestly they've both blocked me recently and even though I tried to contact them they didn't respond and I seriously hate hate HATE terfs because they've been so cruel to my two family members. And I'm so angry. But then I found your ask and at first I was so angry and I tried to reply but I just deleted it because I was getting angry. But then I found more terfs in my ask and then even more hateful anons from non terfs.

But then I kept thinking about how conservatives will literally LITERALLY have Nazis agreeing with them and dig their hills in and in like wtaf how are you not seeing that NAZIS are agreeing with you? But literally the only people agreeing with me are terfs. And honestly that's the last shit I want, I luterally hate terfs. I'm not even exaggerating when I say this is the nicest ask that WASN'T from a terf so I've just. I dunno. I am freaking out because this did not go the way I planned. I knew some people wouldn't agree with me but I thought it would be more split, like some YTA but mostly JAH and NTA. And then when I saw the poll for a hot minute I thought maybe it might veer ESH but obviously that isn't the case. It's just like have you ever really cares about someone, really really cared about someone, and he says oh please don't hug me and pulls away, and then other people hug him so you think I better tell these other people "don't hug him, he doesn't like hugs" and then he says its fine and then starts hugging other people but not you? And you realize at no point did he ever say he didn't like hugging, he just asked you, specifically you, not to hug him? Well imagine that but with Mike, and he stopped wanting to hang out with me and told me not to touch him but whenever I'd remind Anne not to touch him he'd say it was fine and I guess when he came out as trans it was just easier to believe he didn't date cis people than he didn't want to date me. And there were times I thought man I wish I were a trans person so Mike would notice me, and then it seemed like Anne was doing just that because of COURSE it crossed my mind to pretend just for a little while, because if he just gave me a chance he'd realize that we are compatible. Honestly I'm just freaking out because I made this blog a month ago after sent the ask to the aita blog but then it didn't get answered so I started the blog to get all this off my chest. And bam suddenly I was bombarded a month later and it took me a minute to realize the aita hadn't deleted it. Honestly none of this went according to plan and nobody except people I fucking hate want to hear my side. And I dunno. I just don't know. Bur if the only people agreeing me with me all day are terfs then obviously I need to think things through.

[drifloonz]

your steven interpretation is boring and fits into the fanon characterization of steven, i wish you would be a little more unique with how you write him :(((((((

i do Not feel like this is true bc fanon steven is like nothingburger sexy guy or yandere... esque?? or things like that that make him very shallow and one note . And not super depressed and mentally ill as he would be. literally like Fanon Steven is Not my steven and my steven is also very near and dear to my heart bc hes a comfort character who i had when i was going through a lot of shit! Like Actually! I think about him a lot! And a lot of the things i do w him are lifted from canon and the ways i interpret and analyze the og story. not a lot of the fanon or fandom stuff ... Does that. a lot of it is very divorced from stevens struggles and story and the fact its a tragedy in favor of shipping or whatever else. they do not give steven realistic struggles.

also bc i havent properly written steven in ages. idk if you read my headcanons or analysis'. Read Those if so. I dont actually write shit almost ever especially now i do not write him as a character bc i like to think about him and how hed do things, i dont like to Write him.

my keyboard is broken i am tired and depressed and dont really have many ideas for things to write with him bc i exhausted a lot of them. i still think about steven daily though, im mostly focused on my self indulgent shit i write because thats all all of this was. sharing my self indulgent shit with people who are fighting for Crumbs of steven.

i think ab him more than almost anybody else seems to in this fandom other than a few people i personally know ( shout out to like 3-4ish people ) and a few others i dont personally know. There are not many people i know who have the same headcanons and a lot that did i think took it from me? which is kinda funny. i dont own steven having bpd but i think its a thing i popularized more for example afaik. i see little bits of my headcanons rippling into other peoples and its fun

Also what the fuck do you mean 'boring' what do you want the depressed adult ass man to do when hes isolated. Sorry that he is not dancing for ur entertainment? Sorry that hes not a crazed serial murderer!!! when... he.. Wouldnt be he only really killed mike and nobody takes doors open as canon ever bc its stupid. I have no idea what you mean by boring. the fuck would an 'interesting' interpretation be. i am not interested in entirely redoing his concept as a character or his story nor am i fucking rewriting strangled red or am ever interested in it bc i think its fine on its own and whenever anyone tries its usually... Not good. Even ( and especially ) when smr did it LOL ( thankfully he never got to strangled red proper ).

i dont like a lot of people that do that unless it has a reason because i think the og story is perfectly fine untouched even if some parts could be elaborated on or explained better, but i dont think you have to shove super big changes to things like 'missingno is actually a conscious entity that talks to him!!! mike DID kill her' Like this detracts from a lot of the story and things that do that at least in my opinion make it.. more boring. its fine if people like that but its not for me. you dont need to make strangled red more dramatic and explain away everything. some of the vagueness is the fun of it.

i just wanted to share headcanons and my own projections that i think would fit him to the world bc nobody really thought about steven in the way i did.

i know a lot of people really love my steven interp and think hes unique so i think you just dislike it. Which can be a thing you can do i dont give a shit. I would also probably dislike whatever yours is! Im very picky with steven interpretations! ok not really people just dont genuinely write him as a full-fledged character very often. i am not making 'content' for people. im just sharing what i want to. if that doesnt appeal to you make your own shit! You probably wont find a lot of people writing whatever you want steven to be so you should do it for yourself bc thats how i got here.

if im taking this very personally or sound like it im mostly jsut really confused. and also bc i half-am but i dont care that much. Bc like. What do you want me to do...? Im not going to suddenly rewrite the entirety of my own personal interpretation of a character ive loved for almost 2 years straight now for someone else. i barely use this blog anymore! except when i want to post analysis or headcanons. its self-indulgent! but i still sure do think about steven deeply and intimately even if it for some reason feels like i dont. i think the autistic analyzation of the og writing should paint that im like serious about it.

anyways, there was not much of a reason to send this if youre so upset i dont write steven content the way you want ( and you probably would also have a lot of ideas i wouldnt agree with. ) Then send me 50 dollars NOW! [ if it wasnt obvious this is a joke. ]

[eddiegettingshot]

this might sound deeply weird but i feel like buck is a bpd coded character?? i say this as someone with bpd. fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, reckless behavior (this can also include risky hookups, the stuff buck does on calls, etc), mood swings, even a bit of a temper. suicidal ideations and self harm are also pretty common. tw for self harm but i used to actually do that for my mom’s attention in high school. buck begins in some ways felt like looking in a mirror.

now bpd is actually much more of a spectrum than people realize (my case is pretty mild and im in recovery personally) and i see a lot of myself in buck, especially with how he tends to fuck up and then overcorrect and how he behaves in ways that are meant to make people stay but actually end up causing them to leave

theres a lot of misconceptions about bpd though, especially being that we are always abusive people who cant have stable relationships. those cases are definitely out there but many do still lead pretty normal lives once they get help!! i have many stable friendships (even funnily enough my best friend of 7 years like buck) but avoid dating because its a trigger for me. 704 DID very much remind me of some of my more erratic behavior before i was diagnosed and medicated — doing stupid shit for someone’s attention because even though i do understand people can have other friends, im convinced they’ll leave me anyway.

i really doubt theyd ever address it this way because bpd can be an INCREDIBLY taboo thing to talk about for a lot of people (ive lost friends for just mentioning the diagnosis) but i find it so weird to see how people kind of ignore buck’s behavior. i love him and i love that he has flaws and how i identify with him, but as a person with this mental illness i still WANT people to call me out on my mistakes and allow me to learn and grow from them. that’s why ive kept my friendships, especially with my best friend, and thats why i like buddie so much. eddie doesn’t just tell him what to do but calls him out on things and allows him to correct himself. that’s what i think is healthy

idk if this is a strange take or not but as a person with bpd i really identify with him 🤷‍♀️ and as someone with bpd i think the tommy stuff is still him continuing the pattern. i hope buddie does happen, though. itd be really nice to see someone identify with end up in a healthy relationship (also eddie is my favorite character and i want that for him too because he deserves it. especially with the trauma he’s been through) i think its nice to see characters that are so deeply fucked up in so many ways just be there for each other. not try to fix each other, but to sit there with them in their mess. to break down the door and sit with them while they cry and then help them patch up the holes later

anyway sorry for the novel lol i hope you have a good day hima and enjoy the episode tonight!!

i agree that it would be surprising for them to actually diagnose him like this on the show but i certainly think it’s fair to approach his character with this lens especially if you see so much of yourself in him. i don’t think this is strange AT ALL and i totally see what you’re saying!

and you’re so right. my favorite part of buddie is that they’re both fucked up and love each other for it. thanks for taking the time to share this with me 🤍🤍🤍

[dollcherray]

Hehehe I’m back to torture you:3

Sooo I was scrolling and on my fyp I saw you do matchups and my silly little brain went skxlend

ERMM so I was wondering if I could get a matchup for tadc😋 (fem pref but not necessary)

Soo my names Kathryn (or Kat for short) and I’m in school for graphic design and communications — I originally wanted to go into cosmetology to become a desairologist, but I didn’t get in. I play piano, dance (hip hop, ballet, tap, and jazz), and sing. I also produce my own music.

Idk how to classify my style so I’ll say it alternates between morute, gloomy coquette, dollette, gothic, and alternative

I practice witchcraft and I’m also a Christian. I have a weird fascination with dolls and I collect them, specifically porcelain dolls. Like, it’s so bad LMAOO my friends are scared to come into my room atp!!! Literally I’m probs on someone’s rob list I have one worth $400😭🙏

I also collect vinyls. I have over $600 worth of them save me…

Some of my fave music artists are Bambi Baker, Melanie Martinez, Solya, Baby Bugs, and Mercy Necromancy. I also like a lot of rock; AC/DC, Scene Queen, Ashnikko (she’s sometimes rock), and Ennaria

My humors honestly really weird. I can laugh at bread falling but find a really good dad joke stupid and unfunny. I also tend to match the personality of the person I’m speaking to.

I took a state personality test and I’m 50% INFP and 50% INFJ. Legit confused the test and it gave me both 💀

Im diagnosed with anxiety & depression. I’ve been told I might have OCD, BPD and some sort of depersonalization/derealization disorder. I believe I could have autism or ADHD.

Idk what else to say so uhhhmmmm YEAHH ty babes!!💗

i match you with...

✧₊⁺ GANGLE

⋆.˚ Now playing: Crybaby

Congratulations, Gangle is also someone who likes to do art, you two have very creative minds, ideas and whenever you guys merge your ideas its always a blast, its beautiful, it really is!

You two are quite the duo, Gangle understands you and you probably understand her too, you both always try to merge your hobbies together as some sort of bonding, it sounds weird but, its pretty cute when you put it into paper.

Gangle and you always have each other's back whenever any of you get too anxious or overwhelmed in any way, because you both know how bad overwhelming feelings are, and she gives you her shoulder to cry on and you give her yours.

You guys hobbies are your therapy basically, and you both like knowing about each other's hobbies, while you show her your doll collection, she shows you her figures, and while you admire her collection, she adores yours.

You two just match in almost every aspect.

She likes seeing you dance, you like to see her drawing, she likes your musical taste, you like her cinematic preferences, she matches your personality and you match hers.

Not mentioning the kindness you both got in your hearts, it's so much that it might not even fit in, maybe you guys could be a little less kind with others and save some space for yourself.

how funny is that you both actually complete each other so well, you might almost be the perfect duo.

Gangle would really like you.

(but in all seriousness now you are single handedly the most fun person i've seen)

[genderfluidrika]

Long unfocused rant abt the yandere trope (and how its affected bpd overtime)

I'll never hate myself for being mentally unwell as a kid but and I'll never regret that I latched onto harmful things to feel normal and to validate how I was, but I will advocated for the like denormalization of those things or at least having those things in spaces where minors can access it.

When you're a child desperately trying to figure out whats wrong with you and whether or not the way you think and feel is normal you'll take anything that people seem to like and support. for me that was the yandere trope, and it mostly only made me worst for the longest time. yes it eventually lead me to finding out abt bpd but only starting with the stigma. I didnt realize/find out that it was something to be worked through until I was in junior year of hs. and I found out abt yandere trope all the way in 6th grade.

While the yandere trope most likely wasnt invented based off of bpd its very very hard to say that it doesnt effect and up hold a stigma around it nowadays. it pushes harmful stereotypes about mental illnesses and the main one that gets it is bpd. shit like 'i want an obsessive partner' 'I want a partner thatd do anything for me' 'I want a girl like (anime girl that fits the yandere trope here ex. himiko toga or misa)!' has become stupid common

ive seen yandere aus for ships making a comeback lately and when I point out how we shouldnt be bringing it back people excuse it with 'its just fictional' or 'its not hurting anybody' when it has a long history of doing so. not to mention we hate 'booktok' girlies for liking basically the equivalent of the yandere trope in their books (those theirs is typically more sexual obviously) with like stalker or possessive male characters but at least they keep their shit in adult spaces (most of the time...)

let me get back to the bpd thing. for so long it was the closest thing younger people with bpd had to explaining how they were and it was HEAVILY romanticized and even came with a little made up disorder called 'obsessive love disorder' that some people STILL used to this day. ive come across accounts on both tumblr and twitter where its basically people feeding and feeding and feeding into the users bpd and shitty thoughts that come with it when it comes to love.

my cat distracted me and ive kind of lost what little focus I had on this subject but I hope at least a few people get what I mean when I say that the yandere trope and tropes like it have had a severe effect on people with bpd and that its not something that should be popularized and romanticized again AT THE VERY LEAST not in spaces where minors have easy access.

[dogcodedcatboy]

❣️ 🫂 💔 💘 :33

HI JERM !!!! thank u for sending me asks as always u are very. kind and im glad to see u in my notifs my beloved mutual!!

aaroman pining is haunting bc they're just both so fucking Weird to eachother especially when they first start 'hanging out'. their relationship starts off purely sexual and then turns in to something else (this post is something btw). roman cant be gay for real so he microdoses it with a cool rando, much less risky than doing it with people adjacent to the company (ie. 'you hired your personal trainer to jerk you off' via succession canon). no feelings involved. the idea of *romance* is far too actually gay and stupid and he would /never/ do that...he just thinks aaron is cool and wants to see him all the time and maybe kiss and etc etc etc WHATEVER. so very in denial. ANYWAY the actual questions

❣️describe a time one of you almost took a chance at making a move on the other, only to chicken out.

for the purpose of their whole thing im narrowing this to mean like, an exclusively romantic move. roman would worry about this more actually. aaron has done hookups and can (sometimes begrudgingly) navigate around those boundaries. roman is less experienced. wondering if it'd be weird of him to buy aaron...flowers? its corny but it's a thing people do, maybe a nice way to say 'thanks for blowing my back out, my good sir'. he'd spend a great deal of time looking at rose bouquets online before eventually feeling stupid and worrying that aaron would also think he was stupid.

🫂 what's one significant moment of physical contact you had during the pining stage

ough...first time aaron stays the night in whatever hotel they meet up at...he's used to the pump n dump and just like, ubering home. maybe roman would call him a ride, if he's feeling generous. but one night its just so late, and theyre both just tipsy enough to not want to fuss about cars and shit, so aaron stays over. they share the bed and keep a little valley in between them. roman's not a cuddler and he's made that clear. but that hotel ac is COLD. and maybe he can stand to warm his feet up on aaron, maybe he should just scoot back a little for maximum body heat theft. aaron allows this, of course, falling asleep butt to butt with their legs tangled together.

💔 were there ever any moments of angst or jealousy thanks to the hidden feelings?

aaron is a beautiful BPD princess ... and roman is a traumatized abandonment + daddy issues princess... the weird jealousy despite having what starts as a no strings attached thing is absolutely bonkers. roman hates that hes not the only person aaron has this arrangement with but literally cant do anything about it. aaron is much more jealous during their relationship but in the beginning as he's starting to catch feelings he still gets weird about stuff. (once aaron lays eyes on stewy and sees him put a hand on romans shoulder casually in conversation one time its literally world war three in his mind. getting his gothgirl bff to cast evil spells)

as far as plain angst...i mean its roman there's so much angst and denial and trauma to work thru. and aaron as well. i can hardly go in to detail or this would get even longer.

💘 (if applicable) what moment made them realize they were in love with you?

this is difficult bc i think roman is horrible at figuring out his own feelings. i think he realizes hes in love with aaron like 4 times before he lets it stick. just like catching a glimpse of aaron laughing with a group of people across the room..caught off guard by aaron's stupid sexy voice and the way the light makes his brown eyes look like that and the way people can't help but stare at him because he's so magnetic...and then hes like. fuck. what. no. what was that. i was possessed. but eventually he can't ignore it.

theres a rlly great prose bit i wrote w the help of a friend abt roman having a shitty family thing happen at some kind of family/waystar event. he finds aaron and the two of them sneak out of the thing. aaron taking roman for a walk around the city. they stop at the restaurant aaron works at and he sneaks in the back to make them fancy pesto grilled cheese sandwiches and they sit by the water and talk about life and /feelings/, in the limited way that roman can talk about that stuff. he ends up opening up more than he thought he would. and i think he realizes then that he Really loves aaron and doesnt want to just be fuckbuddies or whatever they are

[c0pernicus]

I feel like I never really see people talk about just how bad the long term effects of prolonged abuse, or C-PTSD can really be in people, especially young people, and I wish it was talked about more.

I pretty much never talk about my own experiences for safety reasons, because I would always receive a whole mess if I did choose to try and tell others what I went through, and maybe that's what has made my experience with C-PTSD so bad, but its genuinely so debilitating.

The burn out, the exhaustion, the body aches and horrible sleep schedules and inability to maintain a job because my emotions and brain had really never recovered even years- half a decade- after everything stopped. The digestive issues, the memory problems, the entire lack of a sense of identity and self. The lack of want to put effort into my identity and self.

I feel like I'm chronically searching for someone that's supposed to be me. Constantly, I'm stuck now trying to validate a sense of self I no longer possess. Old passions, old hobbies, old things I liked and enjoyed- It feels like I've been stripped down to bone and nothing sticks anymore. If I have an interest it's very fleeting and I usually will drop it once I find I start to enjoy it, as if its been so heavily ingrained in my brain that peace and happiness and to just enjoy things isn't something I'm allowed. I've become incapable of thinking anything even neutral about myself at this point. I don't believe nearly anything anyone else says to me, and I feel very passive towards others in general if I'm not terrified of them instead. I lack friends and connections, and I constantly hide away from others.

I'm constantly frozen. I can't function on even a basic level if someone else is present in my home; I have to be doing what they're doing, or engaged in some way with what they're doing (Watching, observing, next to them at the very least and quietly doing something unobtrusive) or I can't do anything at all. If I am left alone I'm riddled with anxiety and my mood plummets, my intrusive thoughts are constant and like a horrible movie montage I can't turn off. Trying to lay down and sleep is no better, for years I've been stuck having to just occupy my brain until I pass out.

It's a constant ghost I just can't seem to exorcise from myself. No amount of trying to forgive or forget or let go or move on or accept has made a pebbles difference in the mountain I'm stuck under. I forget everything and anything except for what caused all of this; my wife and friend constantly cut me off to tell me that they've already heard what I'm telling from before from my own mouth, and they I know there are times where they let me continue like it's the first time I've ever told them the fact or the story and I'm simply none-the-wiser. I can't remember things I've done, things I need to do, events or recent days even. I feel stupid and airheaded on the best days, and I know it shows to others because they've told me before.

Work is hard because of the anxiety, the agoraphobia, the memory problems, the health problems. I'm sick constantly; I can't eat or retain food, I have the flu, I've caught Covid for the 8th time despite trying to be good about cleanliness when I leave the house and return. I can't eat a lot of food without being in pain, with it going right through me or sitting like a rock in my stomach for several days. My joints ache more often, my muscles are sore, my traps are solid to a concerning degree from the daily stress of just living with it all. I can't remember the last time my eyes weren't sunken in and purple-blue.

Therapists have only wanted to slap me with a diagnosis and an array of medications- none of which have worked. I've been told it's depression, it's anxiety, it's PTSD, it's bi-polar, it's BPD, it's psychotic depression, it's schizoaffective, it's DID. The DID one threw me for a loop, I'm not going to lie, but the rest were believable enough. I don't look at my medical charts anymore, so I don't know what I have or haven't been branded with by now. The meds and talk therapy never help, I never feel release, I don't believe words anymore- especially from strangers. The meds make the brain fog worse, or I feel numb, or people don't like the person I've become, or my self harming gets much worse, or I just want to kill myself enough to really try to.

Stress tips me over the edge so easily. The hallucinations suck and I resent them. They're a one way ticket to being unemployed and unfunctional for potentially months at a time, and it's humiliating after the fact as well. The last time I had a bad episode I believed there was a man living in my closet, and I couldn't go inside of it. I would hear him moving around inside, he'd yell and get so angry if you opened the door. I've thankfully forgotten the name I gave him; it was something stupid for sure.

I've become a miserable ghost, and I don't see any light at the end of the long tunnel. There is no way back to my body. I'm just lost and wandering and witnessing but never participating. It hurts the most to think of how I was before too many things piled up; the passion and the drive and the creativity. Always making something, always doing something, there was always some project or plan or thing I was doing that I felt pride for. I didn't care if I was weird to others, because I was confident in myself.

I just lay down now, when I can. I do my dishes and my laundry, I try to shower when it doesn't make me nauseous to. I take care of my cats and I work jobs infrequently. I sit with my parents disappointment in who I've become like it's an old friend, and we share coffee and reveries.

I exist, begrudgingly. That is the only thing I try to take pride in now.

[silverdragon128]

It’s way too late at night for me to be posting something this stupid but I’m also very autistic rn and I need to talk about this. Which means I’m gonna need to make something clear before I say this, my blog is NOT for kids. I know I’ve been posting about Sonic recently because hyperfixation go brrrr but if you’re under, like, 15 I don’t consider my blog safe for you. This is primarily a mental health blog, focused around my bpd. I’m saying this all at the start because… this post is gonna tackle some pro-shipper stuff that I’m definitely thinking about due to my own trauma, and I don’t think this is a good post for a kid who loves Sonic to read.

About Surge and Kit. I see them like Ashley and Andrew from The Coffin Of Andy And Leyley. Deeply fucked up and codependent, to such a degree it becomes incestuous. Yeah, as I said, fucked up. The writers will obviously never confirm this (in fact they’ll vehemently deny it, and for good reason) but the evidence is in the text. Surge and Kit are simultaneously toxic sibling coded AND toxic couple coded. I don’t believe that’s a mistake (much like Rouge gives off some heavily uncomfy vibes in the early days of Flynn’s run on the Archie stuff). And I don’t at all think it’s there to be duplicated in real life. Flynn and Stanley, from what I’ve read from them, seem to have a solid grasp of the line, but that line is older (age-wise) than you might think. Take one look at the Metal Virus Saga and you’ll see what I mean. I think they wanted to depict a horrible toxic and fucked up sibling relationship, much like The Coffin Of Andy And Leyley, and the most powerful way to do that is to cross that relationship into something else. Something darker. And personally, I appreciate it. I think it’s important to show how trauma can twist relationships like this, and it’s particularly important for kids to know what abusive dynamics look like. That’s part of why Tangled is one of my favorite Disney Princess movies (feel free to silently judge me, I’m an emo alt girl who likes Disney, I’m used to it). Plus… it’s an interesting wrinkle on (particularly recent) Sonic and Tails stuff. I’m a firm believer that a big part of the reason Tails was so out of character in Lost World and Forces was there was a SonicxTails shipper on staff. This takes that to its logical extreme, and contrasts it phenomenally. Sonic and Tails are brothers in all but blood, they have a healthy distance, rag on each other a bit, but ultimately are always there for one another. It’s literally the dream sibling experience. Surge and Kit are… Surge is constantly dominating Kit, and Kit is more than willing to serve her however she needs. He has always loved her deeply and wanted the best for her (because of how Starline fucked with their brains), even once he’d learned he’d been brainwashed to feel that way. At first Surge had shown zero care for Kit, but now she seems to love him too. Wanting to actively involve him in her plans to rip apart Sonic and friends. She still constantly demonstrates her dominance over him, but no longer in a hostile way (most of the time). It’s more… loving. It’s fucked as hell but she gives off rough mommy domme vibes for him (as I said, this post is fucked up). I mean, there’s a reason Mimic made the “shared room” joke in the latest issue, it’s not subtle.

Sorry about the hella long posts btw… my ADHD is ADHDing

[peccatula]

politely requesting any and all of your thoughts about heathcliff ^w^

THANK YOU FOR SENDING THIS IN IM DOING THIS ONE NOW theres like 20 before it but idc

THIS IS KINDA LONG SO ITS UNDER A CUT. i have a lot of thoughts because holyyyy shit this guy is me. they put me in limbus company

warning for discussion of self harm and self destructive tendencies but its not too in depth

heathcliff is transmasc genderfluid bisexual because i am and im projecting. he's gotten top surgery but it wasnt by the best doctor so it looks a bit odd but hes got enough scars all over that it doesnt rly matter. and hes on testosterone, how he managed to secure it living on the backstreets i dont CARE im not here to figure that out

genderfluid not in the male female nonbinary way but in the I dont fucking know sometimes im a guy sometimes im something else but usually a guy kinda way

he has borderline personality disorder, not even just me projecting here though thats a part of it

he's impulsive as hell, does self destructive things because ^^^^^^^ bpd. this is exacerbated by the fact that he can just Come Back To Life so he doesnt need to be careful anymore. he doesnt like pain but he also doesnt like himself and feels like he deserves pain + he just doesnt care to be careful and not self destruct because Oh i can come back so its fine

sneaking suspicion some of his scars are not entirely inflicted by other people. even if he doesnt like. Do it himself he throws himself into dangerous situations as a way to self harm

he's got all that bpd shit goin on including dissociation/emptiness, mood swings, he struggles with his sense of self and identity and worth and hes fucking terrified of abandonment to the point he will sabotage his own relationships because it hurts less to do that than to be left behind or hurt

he's also autistic! i havent done as much thinking on this its mostly just projection here honestly

i dont wanna go too heavily into speculation for his chapter because i hate the idea of being wrong about it but i think he and cathy had a really turbulent relationship that was not great on both sides. i havent read the source material but i think its like that in the book as well. i dont think its gonna be a relationship that you would want to root for

he gets angry a lot because like, he takes things very personally and has very bad self esteem so anything you say to him he will not take well and instead of getting sad about it his brain defaults to anger because Can't show weakness in front of others. he's competitive as a result because he wants to prove to others and himself that he's not a trash heap of a human being and actually has some worth

not a headcanon but hes not fucking stupid can the fandom stop calling him stupid f or one second and read the goddamn dialogue. he's highly observant and street smart and when he's not being impulsive he has good ideas and thinks things through