#and its so weird that it triggers my ibs????

[mueritos]

maybe its cuz im crazy and decided to get not just my flu shot, but also my COVID and tdap booster...all at the same time....but i have been fighting a fever since a few hours after I got the shots, been having body aches and the chills like crazy, and the concoction has given me slight nausea and just bad shits man. not even the first versions of the vaccine did this to me. like im fighting demons and am having to take acetaminophen every few hours just to feel alive....

[chronic-gastro-illness-culture]

Ok this is legit the first place i see that is dedicated ro people with conditions like mine ? Makes me feel less alone .

now if venting is ok , i feel i am just getting worse again , my diagnosis has been so weird, rn what sounds to fit is ibs and chronic gastritis , i have been sick ever since i was around 5 , i have periods of time on which im ok then periods of time in which my heakth goes to shit , people shun me for having to just lay down and sleep most od the time on my worse days because the stomach pain is so terrible and unbearable.

people love to make my situation about themselves and yet i am not allpwed to tlak about what originated all my issues , i keep getting promises of how "this time around you'll get cured !!" But even my main doctor has said i will never be fully cured , and when i acknowledge that my family scolds me for being "a negativist" , its tiring , and i am just affected by this all over again bc i can tell i am already showing symptoms again :/ , srry if this is a lot , i have been holding most of this and bottling up for 19 years

its not a lot its the reality of living w a chronic illness

thats rlly rough to not have much of a support system n can definitely make things worse . stress is a major trigger for a lot of digestive disorders n getting stressed abt getting a flare up can compound the issue

unfortunately a lot ppl dont understand the chronic part of chronic illness . its not like a digestive disorder is a stomach bug or food poisoning or smth else that causes a temporary bout of digestive distress . its long lasting as in life long . its not fair for u to be judged as an abled bodied person when u have a chronic illness or chronic illnesses n it sux u gotta deal w that esp from family

i hope one day u will be able to surround ur self w a proper support system of ppl who give u understanding n compassion n dont pass judgment

this blog is always here for u if u need to vent

[funshinebf]

dude when i was younger my mom used to get REALLY mad at me cause a lot of times where she was having us clean the house i would need to stop and go use the bathroom, and id end up in there for a While. she got really mad and accused me of just hiding in there to avoid cleaning. but like i really was just having stomach problems. but i just realized like.. i have dealt with anxiety related stomach issues for Years. there is a very good chance that was what was happening then too. i had a Lot of anxiety surrounding the times where my mom would make us do chores (for several reasons, most of which being that things always piled up, so they took hours to get through, and my mom has pretty bad anger issues and problems with perfectionism, so any time we had to clean it was very hard not to do something the 'wrong' way and upset her, triggering her to verbally abuse us) so like. its literally not a stretch at all to assume that this was an early case of my anxiety related stomach problems... i also very frequently would start feeling sick before any kind of social event, such as going to a friend's house, which was AWFUL because then i'd either have to leave early or use their bathroom, which was hell for me. its gotten a lot better as far as anxiety induced problems go, i dont deal with that sort of thing very often anymore, its only occasional. but instead now i just have a Very sensitive stomach, and i think IBS or something similar. on a regular basis i deal with constipation, and i dont shit more than maybe 3 times a week, which ive been told is Not Normal, and that people are supposed to shit like once a day. but then also every few weeks or sometimes months i get horrible diarrhea that traps me on the toilet for at least an hour every time, or sometimes takes me on and off it all day. its not fun! i feel like the diarrhea episodes are like... my body cleaning out after the long periods of constipation. its like dude this has to leave already. get rid of it ALL right now. and its awful and i hate it. but my mom has told me that if i try to pursue an IBS diagnosis that itll be a pain in the ass, cause they make you take certain things out of your diet for a while to try and find the cause. im not sure if thats fully accurate but my mom IS a nurse so she's usually pretty right on that stuff? but ive also heard other people say getting an IBS diagnosis was really simple and easy for them, so i dont know... ive been told by my dr before to start taking mirilax (powder that gets mixed into a drink) every day, but 1) im really bad at remembering to do it 2) when i had my mental hospital stay they had me take it and it made me miserable cause it was just making me have the diarrhea episodes for several days on end instead of my usual once every now and then. (this especially sucked cause the hospital only had one bathroom we could use during the day, and we werent allowed in our rooms unless we were going to bed. plus the room doors had to stay open, the room bathrooms only had this weird half-door foam thing for privacy. all the other kids with rooms in my hallway could hear me shitting my guts out. it was insanely embarrassing.) and 3) the mirilax label says that you arent supposed to take it for like more than i week i think it is? like its not meant for every day use according to the directions?? so it confuses me lmfao. like my dr says every day but the label says not every day so what is the truth. anyways im rambling about my shitting habits. again. whatever you all love me

[rielzero]

Man. Begin of summer is always very difficult for me.

I wake up feeling sick from the heat and lack of rest, despite being pretty much knocked out at night.

IBS and stomach bloating is easily triggered. So I was having abdominal pains and just spend my morning reading comics while waiting for the pain killers to kick in. Sitting just made it feel worse, so I had to lie down and distract myself.

On top of that, its easier to feel paranoid and anxious due all the stress the heat and lack of oxygen is causing. As well as exhaustion.

At the very least we're having rainy weather at the moment. Is it weird that I love stormy weather in the netherlands? Yesterday the sky looked very green, it was really pretty. Maybe I should try and draw something with that kind of mood when I feel better.

My plan was to color this adopt batch today. I could still do it, after dinner. But we'll see how far I can get.

Its just annoying that it takes time for me to get into the flow when my body is so fucking sensitive to every single thing. I can't fight it, it'll just make me feel worse.

Being sick very often is something I'm used to. I'll be okay. Sometimes its just relieving to complain about it. You gotta do something with those feelings.

I'm excited once I can draw again without any of that pain.

[anzu2snow]

Today’s Agender Pride Day. This isn’t very well known, and I tend to forget until I look at facebook memories or a page might post on the day of about it. I realized I was agender a few years ago, but always knew I was ‘different’ gender wise. By the way, it means I don’t have a gender. It’s not a political statement or anything. I simply don’t have one. One of the questions I asked people when I was questioning, was what does gender feel like? The answers were either vague, I couldn’t relate, or they couldn’t answer. I can see it in other people, but for me there is literally nothing there. It’s like I’m an alien observing other people. Some agender people lean masculine or feminine. I don’t. I’m neither. I view those as styles, and like nice fancy masks but I don’t feel like I can relate or are them. I think my ideal gender expression would be a mix of those ‘styles’. Not sure if I’d call it androgynous. Some agender people experience dysphoria, and some don’t. I do. Basically anything gendered has potential to trigger it. That’s a lot of things. Body wise, I feel like a patchwork doll. My chest, facial hair, ‘downstairs’ (although vague), wide shoulders, etc. get to me. My chest is probably the source of most of my dysphoria, and I might not get top surgery. It’s up to me, but it could make my cancer progress. Anyways, it’s great there’s a pride day for us.

Today’s also World IBD Day. I was diagnosed with IBD (Inflammatory Bowel Disease) in July of 2015. It often gets confused with IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), but they are very different. They never were sure whether it is UC (Ulcerative Colitis) or Crohn’s Disease. UC only affects the colon and rectum, while Crohn’s can affect the entire digestive system from the mouth to the anus. In both cases the body is essentially eating away at its own digestive system. That’s why it’s considered an autoimmune disease. Mine had signs that it slightly affected my stomach and duodenum, and that’s why they were leaning towards Crohn’s. Plus, my symptoms lined up more with it. The only reason they aren’t sure is because of an IBD blood test that came back saying it was UC. My entire colon was affected and has been scarred pretty badly from it. When I saw the pics they got from the first colonoscopy, I thought it looked beautiful. My colon looked like an angry red sky with tons of bright yellow stars. Those ‘stars’ were ulcers. Not good. The ‘red sky’ part was the inflammation. Before being diagnosed, the scariest thing was not knowing. I had symptoms of it as early as January that year. I had malabsorption problems at one point. There’s no cure for it. It can only go into remission with meds, and even then it’s really just slowed it down to a crawl. I haven’t been on any meds for it for a few years now. I’ve been told that I’ve been in remission during this time, but I think I’ve had brief flares of it since then. Diet doesn’t affect the disease itself, however it can help with symptoms/side effects. I’ve figured out some of my trigger foods. That being things like popcorn, corn, summer sausage, and more. While in remission, some foods can still irritate the scarring in my colon. So, I try to stay away from insoluble fiber, and eat more soluble fiber. I eat more cooked/peeled vegetables and some fruit. Soups help a lot this way. I’ve figured out some of my soothing and calming foods, too. That helps when I feel like I’m in a flare. Things like eggs, fish, oatmeal, potatoes, bananas, ice cream and cheese (most people have dairy as a trigger, so I’m weird this way), challah (a type of bread), plain chicken, and more. IBD can affect other things outside of the digestive tract. For instance, bones, liver, eyes, teeth, skin, and more. It’s not just a ‘bathroom’ disease. Before getting the cancer diagnosis, IBD was the biggest thing I was going through.

[purelafemme]

Mid 2020 reflections

The older I grow, the more important I realize it is to extend myself grace, and to practice patience. All the pieces of my life will come together. This pandemic has taught me to be still. 

A few days ago I woke up in a grumpy mood. Over the last few months, some days will go by and I will feel fine. Others, not too hot. Recently, I decided to practice a tip from one of the former therapists. I took the time to “check in” with myself and pinpoint all the reasons I was feeling so out of tune. 

A big reason for this “out-of-tuneness” is coming from my job. I don’t feel as connected and engaged to my work, as I would imagine it would be if we were in the office. Its difficult for me to focus and relax in my room. All my life I have struggled with performance anxiety, which has become heightened due to my experience in the AEA program. Teleworking has blurred the lines between my home life and my work life, making it difficult for my brain to separate the two. Also, I feel cramped and restricted due to the lack of independence and freedom I am experiencing living in my parents house. I miss my freedom and independence of living in my own apartment. I’m going to stay here until January to try and save more money (at least $8,000). Just like I felt with Morgan back in fall of 2017, I can feel that I have outgrown living in my parents house and living in Baltimore. It’s time for a new beginning and a fresh start. I don’t want the pandemic to prevent me from pushing back my plans further, or allow it to cause time to get away from me. It’s important that I take this step towards moving out for me.

 A second reason propelling my dismay comes from a realization that I had realized over the past weekend. I have a strong tendency to over give in a lot of the relationships I have. I went out of my way to plan something to do with my estranged friendship group from middle school, and I am not too pleased with how it went. In Boston, I didn’t have many friends nor did I engage in many social activities. One of the reasons I wanted to return back to this area is so I could hang out with my friends and resume social activities again. Earlier this summer, I started putting a lot of energy into hanging out and doing things with and for my friends. But after these two-three years of me being away, I’ve realized that some of my friend groups/dynamics are not the same. Honestly, I feel like a big part of the reason why I started hanging out a lot with my friends is because since my love life is not going the way that I want it to, I want to keep people around me a lot to avoid feeling lonely, to mask the loneliness. But I want to shed those feelings and really take the time to get into myself. One of the reasons I delayed grad school was because I really wanted to take space for myself to develop myself (Develop myself spiritually, mentally--develop my fashion, my interests, my personality, knowledge). This has made me realize that I want and need to feel more comfortable being alone, which is another reason why I think living alone would be good for my personal growth. Additionally, even though things didn't work out the way I intended them to with my partner earlier this Spring, that situation has finally taught me, after 24 years of age (8 years of dating), how I deserve to be treated and what qualities I want in a partner. Given this, I think I need to now branch out and truly get comfortable with being alone. Over the last couple of years, I have struggled with being alone and I realized that I will go run to go hang out with people to avoid that feeling, or I will spend my time being alone and wishing I laid up with a nigga. I want to truly embrace the idea of just truly being alone, and being happy and content. 

Sometimes I experience a weird sadness about me not following through with my previous academic plans, which causes me to feel like im a funk. I went to research conference today where my peers who have continued with their academic plans were present, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge bit of sad that I didn't continue mine. This month would have been the month I would be starting my PhD program if everything had went as planned. Although I realized this was not right for me, I am still kind of bummed in a weird way about it. I worked exceedingly hard and invested a lot of time and energy into this goal, and now that things haven't gone as planned and I have seemingly abandoned my PhD dreams, I feel a weird sense of sadness about it. I may be still interested in research, but honestly, I am not sure. From doing the AEA program twice, witnessing the AEA Climate Survey, surviving the Harvard program, and reading Claudia’s blog post, I feel kind an overwhelming sense of jadedness by this whole thing-- and now I cannot seem to make up my mind about an exact alternative career path or graduate degree. All I know is that I would really like to have a concrete plan once this job is over, because I am not getting any younger and I want to have security when it comes to my career goals by the time I approach my mid thirties. 

Now that I have just written a list of reasons why I am in a funk because I am not where I wanna be, I want to take just as much time to reflect on all the reasons why I am proud of myself. I am very proud of myself for landing my current job opportunity. It took me over six months of applying to land my current position, and there was several times over the course of those months where I was bogged down with anxiety and self-doubt crept it! Literally the day I got the offer, I was laying in bed CRYING because it was April and my program was going to end in May and I hadn't secured a reasonable opportunity yet. My God is good, and he for sure came right on time. Of course, there are some days where my performance anxiety at work is on high, but  really in those moments need to take a step back and praise him for granting me the opportunity to get a job in my field, with a nice salary, with nice people and meaningful, clear growth opportunities. I am so grateful, and I need to acknowledge this more as well as congratulate myself for this. Even though things didn’t go as planned with the whole PhD thing, I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be in my life, and that is a beautiful thing. I am proud of where I am, and I know this opportunity will give me the tools to make the best career decision for me moving forward. I am claiming it now. Honestly, this is my first time since I graduated undergrad where I feel like I can breathe. 

I am also proud of myself for giving myself the space to develop ME for ME. There is so much other parts of life and myself that I want to explore, and now that I am no longer suffocated by the pressures of academia, I am excited to dive in ! I recently hired a trainer, and started my own business! Being in grad school is a huge educational investment that comes at a cost. The stress of that program didn't leave time for me to dedicate to other parts of my life, which I realized I did not like. My twenties are my formative years. So yeah, it does suck to have invested so much time in doing all those things to be a perfect PhD applicant and then to not even apply to PhD programs lol, but I am soo proud of myself for listening to my gut, taking a step out on faith and choosing a different direction! It wasn't an easy decision at first, but I am excited about where this side business will take me, and I am happy that this will be a chance for me to explore my artistic side more! I have always had this side to myself, but never fully dived into it because of the lack of time and resources. So I am proud of using this space and time to unlock a new side of myself. I also think there will be a lot of personal growth opportunities that will come from being a small business owner, which I have confidence I can tackle and that it will make me more mature, and help develop sounder financial practices ! :)

I am super proud of myself for taking charge of my health!!! My weight is something I have always struggled with since elementary school. I was never particularly fat, but I was never as skinny as people like my sister and my cousins. From a young age, I internalized a sense of being uncomfortable with my body, which has followed me into adulthood. However it wasn't until the later half of high school when I started to develop some health problems as a result of my poor diet and lifestyle habits. My period has been irregular since 2012-2013, which I am sure was triggered by the anxiety I faced from switching schools, eating predominantly restaurant food from working at Charlestown, and having a poor sleeping schedule. After four years or random, scattered periods, I got diagnosed with PCOS in 2016. In 2017 I turned 21. I started drinking alcohol a lot more, causing me that fall to weigh in at my biggest size ever--over 180 pounds. Since the middle of high school, my weight had always been in the 160-170s range. That spring, I was able to get serious about diet and exercise and shed some pounds due to my leave from school. However, over the past two years in the Harvard program, I have not been able to manage my weight properly, causing me to explode to the biggest size I have ever been--195.. And im not sure what’s going on with my hormone production now, but I know my gut is a hot mess. (This spring I just got diagnosed with IBS.) Since the pandemic started, I have tried to work out consistently and eat a balanced diet. However over the last five months I have not seen many changes in my body which has been disappointing. This week on impulse, I made the decision to hire a trainer-- this is going to be the first step towards making some serious lifestyle changes for me and I am excited to get into the best physical shape I have ever been in! Regardless of the number on the scale, I really want to do this for the improvement of my overall health. I want to develop a healthier relationship with food (stop binge eating/seeking food as comfort) and I also want to train myself to not only eat out of boredom, or because food is available. I know developing this habits will help me develop more discipline! Also, I think our bodies as humans are capable of so much, and I really want to treat my body good so I can get the best use out of it ! I want to learn how to swim, I want to build endurance and start running, I want to be able to sustain my own body weight, and become proficient at aerial yoga! Also, sometime in the future I want to have kids and before this happens I want to already be in shape and be in the position to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Being a mother is one of my biggest aspirations in my life ! I am hoping that this change to my lifestyle will support better hormonal health and regulate my menstrual cycle, which would actually help me get pregnant easier in the future. I am also tired of having all these stomach problems (indigestion, acid reflux, constipation, etc)--clearly something inside of me is inflamed and thats why I am having these issues. Overall, I am very proud of myself in taking these actions and I am excited to see how my body will look, how I will feel, and in what ways I can grow mentally and financially with my business ! 

One last reason why I am proud of myself is because I have been making small strides to become more money conscious. However, I know I can definitely improve in this area over the next couple of months, and it is important that I tackle this since I have my first real job, (plus a side business) and I want to live on my own. I have always struggled with managing my personal finances, so I am excited to learn tips and develop practices that will help me be smarter with my money. This is also very important to me because one day I would like to have a family, and I want to be able to provide for them. So it is important that I take the steps now to ensure that I am living below my means, and that I can set myself up to be financially comfortable and not cash strapped. 

I was inspired to write this post because I woke up one day in a sour mood about my current circumstances and the fact that I am seemingly not where I want to be and I felt down about it. But then I woke up the next day and realized how much I really had to be grateful for, and how proud I am of myself for all that I have accomplished throughout my life even with various obstacles I have encountered. God truly has favored me. Even through this crisis, God has found ways to bless me and I have taken actions to better myself. For that I am super thankful for. There are people that have lost their life and their livelihoods in 2020, but for some reason God still choose me to protect, and to take me to the next level. So I want to take this time to publicly thank him for all that he has done on the inside! Instead of focusing on the all the areas of my life that I am not too satisfied with, I vow to constantly cultivate a heart, mind and spirit full of gratitude and praise. 

Other short term goals I want to accomplish 

- Join a church home/integrate other practices into my life to develop my relationship with him in addition to keeping the prayer journal (reading the bible, starting a gratitude book)

- Take better care of my hair: be more consistent with protective styles, trims, and deep conditioning! 

- Read more books (I have watched too much TV this year lol) I especially want to read more books written by Black women and the experience of Black women!

-Try new hobbies (in addition to swimming, I want to go horseback riding, etc)

[bumble-booty]

Commissions Are Open! (New and Updated Version!)

Commissions are currently Open!

My writing background and preferences!

My Nickname is Bumble Booty or Baby Blue, feel free to use either! My specialty is dark/gore, body horror, psychological horror, and NSFW! However, I will absolutely do non-dark as well, so if light and fluffy is more your preference- I’m still interested in writing it! 

I have a Bachelors Degree with a Double Major and a minor- Psychology (specialized in abnormal), Philosophy (integrative study with Psychology), and Criminology (minor and main focus being crime and homicide). As for other useful background, I actually work for a movie store (and one other place, but that one doesn’t give me plot bunnies)! 

What that means for you is- don’t be shy with any prompt. I’ve probably been in contact with it before through my studies, personal research, or work-related exposure!

My specialty is Transformers, but I have recently fallen for the Hazbin Hotel fandom. However, I have not written for the latter as of yet. I will most likely get into Hazbin Hotel very soon though! If you want something outside of these fandoms, please expect a slight delay as I research the fandom. Please ask though, as I may still take it on with sufficient info!

Disclaimer: On most occasions, I typically stick to more canon-style fics. It is simply easier for me to work with plausible situations that can expand out from there- however, I might still do more crack-style if I feel confident enough. I will also do original works if I have enough information!

What I will Likely/Certainly Reject: These are subtypes I do not feel confident in/have had bad experiences with/ will not touch with a 10 foot pole. 

Pedophilia. 

While age-differences are perfectly okay, molesting a child isn’t. All characters in my work WILL be 18+ for NSFW fics, or you can politely take your business elsewhere. 

Because sometimes this apparently needs to be said, Age Regression is not Pedophilia. If your preferred characters are of consensual age and this is a psychological fic where the boundaries are CLEARLY set, please feel free to message me. If your character is a child being abused as an adult, do not. I can tell the difference. 

Farting/ Flatulence fics. 

This is a strange one, but I have had strange experiences with this subtype and those that request it. I have no opinion on your kinks or likes, but I will no longer be accepting fics with this as a PRIMARY FOCUS. 

If it happens to be something that might come up- for instance, an IBS coping fic, a period fic, an autopsy/drowning fic, etc- I will happily discuss this being an option as far as accurately describing the symptoms/struggles of those that suffer with these conditions/fates. Do not hesitate to discuss it with me, the worst you will be told is no. 

Unusually Predatory/ Targeted Hate Fics.

I am well aware of the trend of shaming someone/ channeling a targeted threat through popular media, and I will not help damage someone’s psyche. If I have reason to believe you are using this fic to try to shame a previous significant other/ trying to use your fic and its exposure to target/mislead someone into what could be a psychologically damaging situation, I will not be working with you. Deciding this is my discretion, and if it is truly not your intent I apologize but stand by my decision. As mentioned prior, If it is not your intent go ahead and email me with your prompt anyway- the worst you will be told is no! 

 Any Other Fic for Personal Reasons. 

I am a person with my own history, and I reserve the right to deny a fic if it strikes too close to home. 

My Pricing, Payments, Refunds, and Alterations!

Pricing: I charge in USD on a rising scale for minimum word counts. 50 cents per 100 words, up to $4.50 for 999. After that, it's a flat $5 for 1,000-word increments. So: $5 for 1,000 words, $10 for 2,000 words, $15 for 3,000, etc. Final Pricing will be established before I start working, but I am very flexible! Should you want something changed/altered while I’m working on the draft, please contact me! 

Payments: Payments are accepted through Venmo upon completion AND APPROVAL of your work.

Refunds: Refunds will not be served, as I usually don’t accept payment until after the work is completed and approved. 

Alterations: If we decide on an alternative prompt after or during the first draft, I will consider this the new commission and write with a new/altered price agreed on by both of us through DM/Email. I will mostly stick with my standard pricing, but any oddities will be discussed privately should something happen on my end to cause a delay. 

Side note: I do not have a maximum word count, and if I go over it's ON ME. My Prices are for a minimum, not a maximum.

Request form!

When contacting me about a commission, please send me this general format for ease of keeping everything straight! If you do not, I will reply with this copied in so I know exactly what you want and can ask for more information wherever needed!

Characters: (This is who you want to see! If you want couples, please mark them in the x/x format, with non-couples listed singularly and separated by a comma.) 

EX: Prowl/Jazz, Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Unnamed Mecha.

Basic Plot: (SFW/NSFW, what you want to happen. This is the main idea I’m working with!)

EX: NSFW, Jazz returns from a mission in a dangerous head space. He is fairly violent to everyone, and is searching for Prowl due to his ability to calm his coding. Optimus and Bumblebee are helping Prowl contain the rouge Ops mech before he offlines half the base. 

Sub-Plot: (Kinks/Small Details/ Triggers you want to see. If going into more detail on a particular thing, put a hyphen after the general descriptor and continue. End this with another hyphen, then continue listing if you have more!)

EX: Pinning, Biting, Clawing, Mild Body Horror- Maybe Optimus gets some tubing cut loose? Or a random, unnamed Mech meeting a foul end after startling Jazz?  I just want it to be obvious how dangerous Jazz is in this state!- Feral Behavior, Aftercare, and Post-Recovery Apology.

Other: Things you DO NOT WANT TO SEE AT ALL. Please clarify in the same way you clarified in Sub-plot. This is especially important if you are requesting Gore/Trauma fics.  

******Please be clear on this!!!! This can be as broad as "no gore" to as specific as the word "moist". Please understand that it is not necessary for you to explain why, nor do you have to give me any reasoning should I ask for you to expand/elaborate. I do, however, reserve the right to ask if similar words/situations would also be off-limits. As mentioned in the personal background, I have studied Psychology and I do not want to be the reason you expand a phobia or traumatic event.  PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS A SERVICE YOU ARE PAYING FOR, AND IT IS MY DUTY TO FILL THIS SERVICE IN A WAY THAT YOU ENJOY! Not put you in a bad head space or trigger you!******

EX: Gutting, Descriptive Bone/strut snapping, Overly Possessive Language- especially the word ‘pet’ or other dehumanizing possessive language along those lines- Unsanitary, and the word “Moist”- similar words such as ‘damp’ or ‘sweltering’ are acceptable (I just don’t like that word). 

How To Reach Me!

Email: My work email is “bootybumble@yahoo.com”- please put ‘commission’ somewhere in the subject line so I know to look ASAP. I usually respond pretty quick, but I do hold two jobs. Expect an answer within 24 hours. I will reply to the email you contact me with if I have further questions and clarification, or if I’m accepting/rejecting the commission right away!

If you do not receive an answer in 24 hours, feel free to email me again and explain you did not get an answer- it might be a filtering problem that I need to fix! 

DM: Direct Messages are also acceptable here, but I will warn that I often forget to check! Email is more reliable for a faster reply, but I will do my best do accommodate those that don’t want to/ can’t email! 

Please keep to the same format as you would for an email, but feel free to break it up into sizable portions since messages read a bit weird. I don’t mind the spam messages, I'm that kind of texter myself!

Priority/Timeframe, Rejecting, and Posting/Delivery! 

Priority/Timeframe: Commissions will take top priority over other writing work, and if I happen to get two at once it will be by order of receiving. I strive to have 2,000 words and below done per a one week period, anything more than that I will discuss with you over email/pms due to job balancing.

Rejecting: I would like to mention that I still reserve my rights to reject commissions if I feel I am unable to complete them in a manner worthy of accepting payment, or if I feel I cannot give enough personal effort due to work/personal qualms.

Posting/Delivery: Upon completion of the first draft, I will send you the draft script in a downloaded document (usually .docx format) if you like the draft/bones, please respond with any alterations you would like to see! This is additions, subtractions, substitutes, or changes! You can do anything as small as a word, to as large as the entire fic as long as it is agreed upon. 

After this is cleared, I will go back through the fic and add flourish and final details. After that is the proofreading phase, then I will send you the completed fic. If you are not happy with the final fic, please respond with what you would like changed and I will GLADLY fix the issues!

DISCLAIMER: I will not post your finished product without your permission if it is a payment-finalized product! This means that if you have paid for it, it is yours to keep. If I really liked the fic, I might ask your permission to post it to my AO3 Account with it either listed as a gift fic to your AO3 account, or with a notice placed in the notes at the top of the page that this was a commissioned piece, followed by your username/"anonymous" if you would not like it known that it was yours. 

HOWEVER: I ask that you do not post these works as if they were your own! I work very hard on my commissions and put substantial research into each piece, and I am more than willing to signal boost you on the work as well for sponsoring it! If you have a private archive or something similar that you intend on posting it to, please mention it to me during the initial emails/dms and we can discuss it. (I highly doubt I will mind though, I can understand some organization quirks!)

Samples!

If you would like to read some samples of my works, Check me out on AO3!

http://archiveofourown.org/users/BumbleBooty 

Here are some samples of my personal favorite works within my most popular word count brackets!

Less than 1K- http://archiveofourown.org/works/13413417

Thuck! E's Thuck! - Bumblebee/Grimlock, NSFW, Vore 

1K- http://archiveofourown.org/works/13445199

Those Who Need Us The Most- Bumblebee/Grimlock, SFW, Comfort 

2K- http://archiveofourown.org/works/13356138

The Sweetest Melody- Tarn/Pharma, NSFW, Body Horror

3K- http://archiveofourown.org/works/12662973

Detecting the Undetectable- Jazz/Prowl, NSFW, Heat Cycles

4K- http://archiveofourown.org/works/12275850

SCP 3262- Bumblebee, Original work, SCP Crossover

Just under 5K- http://archiveofourown.org/works/12199893

All For You- Jazz/Prowl, NSF, Candy Armour Vore Style

6K+- http://archiveofourown.org/works/13407669 

Pretty Kitty-Prowl/Jazz/Smokescreen, NSFW, Neko/Werewolf Heatfic

[chasing-rabbits]

What made you go vegan originally?

Well I was vegetarian after being basically woken up to the truth. I was quite naive and sheltered I guess? Maybe cos I saw cows grazing outside my window we lived next to a small farm and all I ever saw was animals grazing never saw anyone take them away from the field outside my window.Then honestly by this point I was 18 when I went vegetarian. at 15ish I had been seeing doctors I saw 3 different ones I was underweight the dentist thought I was bulimic due to the damage on the back of my teeth from throwing up so much. I complained that when I even try to drink cups of tea I’d often lose the ability to swallow. It didnt effect breathing or anything just I couldnt swallow properly.They said there is nothing for it. Its IBS by the time I saw the 3rd Doctor. When I went vegetarian for the animals some of my symptoms improved I later found out my mum was intolerant to meat and so am I. However when I went to university I went vegetarian the summer before uni started.I ended up eating more junk food and more cheese based foods. At home not by any conscious means but I guess i was eating no where near as much dairy as at uni. I was getting so sick then one day I looked up milk allergies and how they diagnose it. I found out they get you to go dairy free for just over a month the time required for your body to completely get rid of all dairy traces and then they reintroduce it. I didnt exactly plan to reintroduce it as I was eating plant based for just over a month when we went away on holiday to bruge now this was around 5 years ago. They barely understood vegetarian let alone vegan. One day I gave up after literally a few hours finding some where to eat. I ate a bite of cheese pasta and felt light headed dizzy and was wheezing worse than my mum who has asthma.At that point it was clear I have a dairy allergy which has recently been confirmed by a dietitian I am seeing for possible celiac now. Just got the blood test done on that earlier this week.Anyways around that time I was looking into veganism just anything I could find out about it from nutrition to the why. I was genuinely unaware of the baby chicks getting killed for eggs or the dairy cows being pregnant continually to produce milk and the calves being killed as veal and such as ‘waste’ products.I saw Earthlings I cried a lot and that was it really. Because i mean i couldve still had eggs as a vegetarian and be no dairy. But seeing what happens to one day old chicks even now I just want to just no...it makes me teary eyed thinking back to what I saw happen to them. So since then really i’ve been vegan there have been two times where I broke this both times mostly affected by my mental health. I have bipolar and borderline PD and uhh I have issues surrounding certain things and I made poor decisions for about a week or so the two times it happened.Some people cuss me out for this and shit on me but I feel like look whilst mental illness is not an excuse when you’ve developed an unhealthy relationship with food due to years of being scared to eat and being accused of having anorexia. becoming obssessed and fixated on calories and food and intake. When that turns dark and goes the opposite and becoming obssessed with losing weight and then you get put on medication that makes you go from 7st 5ish lbs to over 14 and a half stone in less than 6 months.it’ll fuck with you. I was very underweight and to go from that to double it almost in such a short amount of time I guess just triggered that past behaviours in me. To do anything to lose weight. The medication made me so hungry and I’d get so upset I’d binge eat my emotions away. Then I saw Keto and thought okay I’ll do this. Actually my reasoning behind it was because I am intolerant to meat and I used to think to myself if only I could get the same effect as I did when i ate meat. And then i ended up doing keto and eating meat. See meat would bloat me up after a couple bites i physically couldn’t eat more. I had some really destructive behaviours and thought patterns back then. I basically wanted to make my body bloated and in pain and sick so that I couldn’t eat and would bypass binge eating emotionally and lose weight fast. It didn’t last long before i woke up and was like holy shit Erin not only are you damaging your body you’re hurting animals and I snapped out of it. The other time I dont remember what happened I think it might’ve been when I was manic. Unfortunately when I am manic aside from last year every other year ive had a manic episode ive not been lucid Im very much not as aware or in control in that I feel like im almost an outside watching in but i cant keep up. And then even now I cannot remember the mania I had the year before last its so hazy to me I remember very little of it. Last year was the first year i was with it lucid and able to remember it. Which honestly was weird because its like you see yourself doing the stuff except you still struggle or cannot stop it. So its still really odd and because youre aware of what you are doing but lack the ability to often prevent the actions people don’t quite get it its like how can you be so aware yet keep doing it.Anyways I got sidetracked! I guess i feel i have to explain why I ended up twice in the 5yrs ive been vegan going back to meat. But yeah I am not at that point anymore in my life where I have those negative behaviours surrounding that particular issue at least thank god. So I found veganism through health issues and stayed for the animals and ethics. Honestly though if someone watches Earthlings and doesn’t go vegan I dont know how that even happens its so the most upsetting unsettling devastating video to watch and a real reality check to what truly happens.

[wlwdjh]

hi. i think i might have some early fibromyalgia but the internet isn't helping me too much. how did you get a diagnosis? how did it feel for you in the beggining? please i need some help i have been struggling with health for a few years but lately its gotten worse and neither my mum (undergraduate in medicine) nor any doctors ive been to know whats going on. Ive been on antidepressants for a while but stopped them. i cant say they helped. do you have any experience you can share?

Hi hun. First I want to preface this by saying I am in no way a medical professional so all I can do is share my experience. I also am located in the United States and have health insurance, which is going to make my experience different than a lot of others. I’m gonna put the rest under a cut just in case anyone has trouble reading about medical issues.

Fibromyalgia is a weird diagnosis, in that it’s a diagnosis by elimination. Before I was diagnosed by a Rheumatologist (a doctor who specializes in diseases of the connective tissue like arthritis) I spent years working with my doctor to figure out the source of my chronic pain. At 19 I was in a car accident and my doctor checked me over and took x-rays, all of which came out completely normal. Slowly over the course of the next few years though my health started to deteriorate.

At first I thought it was only mental. I was having major anxiety, to the point where I couldn’t go to school, and depression severe enough that I couldn’t get out of bed. I was sent to a psychiatrist, who listened to my symptoms for 15 minutes, diagnosed me with a panic disorder, and prescribed me Fluoxetine (Prozac) and sent me on my way.

Here’s the thing with meds - they work, but it’s often a struggle to find the right one. A lesser known symptom of Fibromyalgia is medication sensitivity. While Prozac works wonders for millions of people, it was way to strong for me, and left me feeling like a zombie. So after a few months of this drug, I went back to the same doctor. He maintained his previous diagnosis but switched me to Buspirone, a medication that is used just for the treatment of anxiety. I definitely think that it helped, but it didn’t do anything for my depression or any of my other symptoms.

While I was trying to figure out my mental health I started having more severe chronic pain. I was a dancer from twelve to twenty, and was in the best shape of my life when I started having severe joint and muscle pain. I thought I was just pushing myself too hard honestly, and just tried to slow down on my classes. I went from dancing 8-12 hours a week to not at all.

I also was having issues with memory - I was losing gaps in the day and couldn’t focus on things I used to love like reading. I was also exhausted 24/7.

It’s around this time that I dropped my psychiatrist and went without medical intervention for about a year. I realized at 21 that my depression was getting worse and worse - that summer I spent an entire week in bed, and my best friend had to come and make sure I was eating. I started seeing an MFT, and going through my own journey to mental health.

When I finally (through tons of incredibly hard work) pulled myself out of that hole I stopped being emotionally stoic and started noticing hey, my body is getting worse. My IBS symptoms started around the age of 23, and I lost quite a bit of weight just by not being able to eat anything. I also, through the encouragement of my therapist, started going back to my primary care physician, and he started trying to puzzle it out with me. First we thought the symptoms were depression related, so he put me on Welbutrin (which I still take to this day). It was unlike the other drugs in that taking it actually gave me energy and cleared my mind, rather than fogging it up further. Then he sent me to Physical Therapy. The PT was horrified at the state of my back at this point and put me through 8 weeks of grueling therapy. I would leave in incredible pain every day and then have to go home and do more exercises. While it wasn’t pleasant I can say that it gave me some of the knowledge that I use now in trying to treat my Fibro.

I also went through an elimination diet to try to find my trigger food for my IBS. I had never before in my life shown signs of dairy intolerance and then here at the age of 23 I was developing a rash on my arm any time I tried to eat mac and cheese lol. Cutting that out of my diet made a big difference in my gut health.

This whole time I was doing lots and lots of internet research on my own. I remember coming across an article about Fibromyalgia and its symptoms and how my heart stopped when I read it. I took it with me to my next doctor’s appointment and he admitted that he didn’t know much about the disease but that he could refer me to the doctor who did. In the meantime he put me on Gabapentin for my pain (which just made me feel drunk and dizzy half the time, not my fav).

The first appointment with my Rheumatologist was terrifying. I kept thinking that all my symptoms were just caused by my depression, that I was faking, that here I was about to be laughed out of another doctor’s office as a liar and attention seeker. Instead my doctor sat me down, asked me about my mental illness, my family history, my lifestyle, my diet, how bad my pain was, where it was located, and never once suggested that any of my symptoms were in my head. I went home and cried that night - I had never felt more validated in my life.

Before I could get my diagnosis we had to run some tests. My Rheumatologist had access to all of my results from previous x-rays and tests but had to run some blood tests to rule out anything else. I also underwent a physical test where she checked for trigger points - they’re basically small points on your body that cause intense pain when pressed. Almost all of the points hurt me haha. After a few weeks, at 24, five years after my initial onset of symptoms I had my diagnosis. I was prescribed Cymbalta and told to stop eating gluten, start exercising more, and to take care of myself. That’s the hardest part of this condition for me - the only way to treat it is by living a healthy lifestyle, which is incredibly difficult to do on my own due to my mental health issues.

It’s been a journey for me, and I’m sorry to say that everyone I’ve talked to with Fibro has had a journey as well. It’s just not a condition that doctors are quick to diagnose patients with. I know it can be hard but self advocacy is going to be your best bet towards getting a diagnosis. Remember that even without one your pain is still real.

[flockofdoves]

literally so grateful i just found this???? this has been a huge wall in front of me these past few days since realizing how much disordered eating over the past few months has affected me, having to start entirely reevaluating how i’ve been approaching my relationship with food in the name of not neglecting my chronic illness stuff and how that exact same attitude of trying to make myself better actually just made me fuck up my digestive tract by avoiding certain foods (and food in general bc theres so much its so overwhelming and also now i’m too nauseous and weak to have an appetite!) and by extension make my chronic illness worse. and then now reading about refeeding i was worried because so much refeeding stuff seems to recommend a lot of dairy products and i even before these last few months dairy hasn’t been good for me for over a year (although not just lactose i was thinking it was casein too but also like . lol idk maybe its just another one of the phenomena thats talked about here) and wasn’t sure how to balance that when avoidance of foods i see as triggers for health got me here in the first place and at this point literally anything is gonna be too much for my gut and i gotta tough through that

uhhhh turned into a rant/vent about things unrelated to the article under this

kinda distressing though tbh to think about what IBS even like . Means . lol like it does make sense to see it more as a small part of the bigger picture of all my stuff and how my nerves and shit or w/e are wired as someone labeled in contemporary times as/with autistic/adhd/ocd/schizo/anxiety/fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue and its comforting to see it more as a symptom of how i can easily get out of wack from there instead of just. eternally always bad (although i was getting okay with that too like i value parts of myself enough i could deal with that being reality without too much mourning beyond how i have no accommodation under capitalism. but still this is better than that even) but its weird finding ways of saying i don’t have to lean into it too much that don’t kinda just trigger me thinking about doctors/peers/etc whove more just saw me as a burden and didn’t care to listen to me before dismissing things as all in my head thus i was exaggerating and not deserving of compassion/care/etc. i know i don’t mean that towards myself but the nuance is a lot to deal with after so recently having that used to hurt me all over again and then in trying to take care of myself actually hurting myself worse. so that adds a weird layer to things i hope i won’t get a complex about lolol but also i guess thats cool i don’t have to beat myself up for not sticking to a fodmap free diet or deciding it wasn’t worth trying to see if i had a gluten intolerance because the food i’d be avoiding would make me more upset than any pain i deal with. like ... whoa.. i wasn’t actually being unreasonable or ridiculous when i thought that or being self destructive?? and i started considering otherwise when i now realize i was already dealing with ED symptom stuff so like . i can tolerate most foods i think at least some of the time??

really curious if i can regain my lactose tolerance considering i only starting being intolerant in the past year so it wasn’t a primary lactose intolerance thing maybe?? and i had some on and off symptoms of my current behaviors that lead to this that whole time so that’d be really cool actually lol i miss just being able to enjoy dairy products (and in retrospect my aversion to even tasting them even with lactaid pills or somethign definitely was liek...... disordered eating stuff lol) 

also curious if my ED stuff had anything to do with my tremors or brain fog getting worse. i defintiely think at least somewhat like yeah. the timeframe makes sense. idk if thats the primary reason for those symptoms because i’ve had them at various points in my life in that combination but the recent upsurge in them and also the fact that most of those days were right after really bad nausea days and also how today i realized i was tremoring a lot in ways i directly associated with feeling weak because of trying to deal with ED related stuff i think that definitely will at least become less constant of a problem in getting over this. those are all symptoms i exhibit in various contexts with various physical and emotional pressures so i don’t think thats their only cause but i think that really does make me so much less worried about why the hell i’ve gotten so much worse so suddenly

scared about how long this will take i feel like i’ve only really had my eating become consistently disordered over the past couple months but idk i’ve had weird episodes for ages and if i really didn’t recognize this was even a problem til right this week idk if i’m thinking back accurately enough. its definitely worse in that period though bc my doctor 2 months ago (also wait... i guess that means its been even longer lol?? no way i lost that all in the couple weeks i really can look back and see my behavior as disordered before that appointment) remarked i lost like 15 pounds since my last visit 3 months ago (they also remarked like that was a good thing lol.) so i guess i’ll keep figuring that out its wild though reading that apparently just getting your stomach back to normal can take at least 2 months like it makes sense but like . jeez. hard to process that i did that and didn’t realize i’d like to think i’ve become so much more in tune with my body these past few years but i guess i’m not doing it the right way even if i’m glad i no longer just stay quiet and tough things out while suffering and dismissing it with no idea whats going on or why and feeling too ashamed and guilty to make it anyone elses problem and not pushing back when others dismiss the slightest thing i bring up. but yeah like i did a lot more than i thought i did with this but also i’m glad i caught it so early i feel almost too weird about saying i have an eating disorder like its like i acknowledged that this week and now i’m trying to recover so. thats good. idk i’ll see i’m sure i have a lot to learn and that kinda sucks i had enough to deal with already without this as a factor but!!!!

[msrachelflowers]

Finding out you have allergies at 30 by almost dying.

Having your first severe allergic reaction when you are almost 30 is a weird experience. I've never been allergic to anything. I was even positive it was an allergic reaction.

I mean first its, "the food must be too spicy." Then its, "I guess I'm sick. Like strep throat." But, I'll be fine is at least my normal response.

But, once I could barely breathe I knew what it was. I was suprisingly calm. But, when I think about it not even a week later, I have more anxiety. "How could I have been so stupid to watch a movie while I could barely breathe.

When I decided to go to the er that was it. I hate the ER because no one has ever really believed me. Suprisingly the doctor did this time.

I cant work atm because it was possible allergens and I got a mild reaction just from being around the food cooking and etc. That wasnt fun. I could either stay and suffer or go home unemployed. I stayed.

The next day I saw a doctor. The first one I could get. They gave me allergy pills, an inhaler and hooked me up with an allergist.

Thankfully the allergist had an opening today. Friday. Not even a week later. I scarily had an almost anaphylactic reacton during the second part of the test. I didnt realize it was so serious until the dr. And nurses worked on me and gave me I a lot of stuff to help my breathing.

Then a blood test. No serious allergies came to light from the over 40 scratch test on my back and over 20 mini shots in my arm. My skin just doesnt react crazy to them.

So, a blood test. To test the food that could have caused the first one, and possibly the second. Also to see if I have a rare disease that causes allergic reactions without a outside trigger.

I have almost died 2 maybe 3 times in less than a week. I'm very tired, sore and just wanting to know what is my real cause. I've struggled with ibs, gerd, hernia, and lots of reproductive issues. But, this is a different level. I have had lots of pain and called out of work but, I wasnt ready for this.

The only thing that is helping me get through and not be so scared is my wonderful husband and friends. They have always been here for me. Well for as long as I've known them.

I know there is someone who had it worse. I am not denying that. But, my struggles are very real to me. Facing my mortality is really a big thing. Suprisingly my DnD campaign has helped me with this more than anything.

Anyways. Rant over. Sorry guys. I just needed to get this out of my system.

[leirathemartian]

Am I too old for tag lists? :P

@raesand tagged me and I’m kind of in a procrastinating depression funk, so why not. 

basics what’s your name ➔ Hayley do you have a nickname ➔ nope, although a lot of people call me Leira do you have a middle name ➔ mmm too much sharing do you like your name ➔ It’s ok do people often mispronounce your name ➔ No, but they almost always misspell it  do you like the meaning of your name ➔ Well. The Anglo-Saxon meaning is pretty boring (”hay meadow”) but when I was a kid I was told/had a cross-stitch thing that said it meant “Lover of the sea” and I really like that. when is your birthday ➔ 11/22 how old are you ➔ 25 do you like your age ➔ Honestly, I don’t know. Every age has its pros and cons, I guess. I miss not being as stressed when I was a teenager, but I haaated high school. So, I don’t know. It’s stressful because I’m working on graduating and then I’ll have to get a job and be, like, a real adult and shit. what’s your zodiac sign ➔ Scorpio/Sagittarius cusp apparently

appearance what’s your hair colour ➔  Light brown/dark blonde is your current hair colour your natural hair colour ➔ Sort of, but the ends are bright blond do you dye your hair ➔ Yeah every so often I enjoy changing it up do you have natural highlights ➔ I did when my hair was long enough for it to absorb sun before I cut it off when was the last time you had a haircut ➔ A couple months. I need one, badly, lol what length is your hair right now ➔ Longish pixie do you have straight, wavy or curly hair ➔ Wavy/curly do you have frizzy hair ➔ 100%. It’s better than when it was long, though do you use a curling iron ➔ No do you use a hair straightener ➔ No do you braid your hair ➔ Sometimes. Used to all the time when it was long what’s your eye colour ➔ blue do your eyes change colour ➔ lol no 

do you wear contacts ➔ Only when I’m dressed up/being active if so, do you use colour contacts or regular contacts ➔ Regular do you wear glasses ➔ Indeed do you have naturally long eyelashes ➔ Mmmm not really do you wear braces ➔ Nope do you have dimples ➔ Nope do you have moles ➔ All of them do you have outstanding cheekbones ➔ Lol no my face is too round to have outstanding features. I also have no chin. do you have freckles ➔ Yes indeedy do you have piercings ➔ 8, all in my ears. Two lobe piercings, helix, daith, tragus, flat. do you have tattoos ➔ Yup, I have a Water Tribe tattoo do you wear make up ➔ Occasionally do you paint your nails ➔ Yes, fairly often do you wear jewelry ➔ Well, I always wear earrings. Plus usually my wedding band and an ourobouros ring. are you happy with your height ➔ It’s fine personality would you consider yourself outgoing or shy ➔ Neither  are you sarcastic  ➔ It’s my love language what’s your biggest fear ➔ Failure. Also heights and snakes, which are my actual phobias. are you religious ➔ Not anymore do you get easily along with people ➔ Ehhh. Depends on the person. do you cry easily ➔ Sadly

school do you go to middle school ➔ No do you go to high school ➔ No do you go to a private school ➔ No are you home schooled ➔ I used to be have you graduated from school ➔ From many schools, lol.  what grade are you in ➔ Errrr. 5th year PhD student so... 21st?

have you skipped a grade ➔ Yes, I skipped 7th grade. It was a bad idea, I wasn’t socially prepared for going to college early. have you been held back a grade ➔ No have you ever failed a class  ➔ I got a C- the first time I took Fluid Mechanics, which is failing in grad school, although I maintain that was because of bad teaching, because when I retook it I easily got an A.

have you been sent to the principals office ➔ Homeschool doesn’t have principals :P

have you skipped school ➔ A lot in college/grad school, usually for mental health reasons have you cheated on a test ➔ Not that I can remember

family do you live with your biological parents ➔ dear god no not anymore do you get along with your parents ➔ Ehhh. My mom and I are good, but my dad still likes to try to control me. do you tell your parents everything ➔ Fuck no. do you have strict parents ➔ Yes.

do you have siblings ➔ Two brothers are you the oldest ➔ Yes. are you in the middle ➔ ... are you the youngest ➔ ... are all of your grandparents still alive ➔ No, one of my grandfathers is dead friendships do you have a best friend ➔ I do! Friends since we were 12. And my husband is up there too. do you have more than 10 friends ➔ I don’t think so, not close ones anyway. do you have at least 2 friends you can trust with your life ➔ Yeah, probably do you have a lot of guy friends, a lot of girl friends or equal girl and guy friends ➔ Mmmm.... slightly more women. do you text with your friends a lot ➔ Not particularly relationships what’s your relationship status ➔ Married have you ever been in love ➔ Quite a lot do you believe in love at first sight ➔ I love all animals at first sight :P

have you ever been in a relationship ➔ Am in one, lol have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ I don’t think so. Been one, though. have you ever been asked out on a date ➔ Yup!

have you ever been kissed ➔ Yes have you ever made out with someone ➔ Yes have you ever been cheated on ➔ Also yes, he was an asshole have you ever been proposed to ➔ Yes do you want to get married ➔ I’d hope so, since I am do you want kids ➔ Eventually, once I have a real job country where were you born ➔ USA where do you live right now ➔ USA have you ever been out of the country ➔ Not as much as I’d like but yes. do you prefer country or city ➔ Country do you like sightseeing ➔ Haha yes, I am unashamed that I enjoy being a tourist is one or more of your parents from another country ➔ No what places would you like to visit  ➔ I’d like to go back to Scotland/Ireland. Also Iceland, Sweden, Thailand, South Korea, Greece, .... etc. are you fluent in more than one language ➔ Sadly, no. what languages can you speak ➔ English and I still retain enough Spanish to say hi to someone/read signs. Same with French. I know a tiny bit of Swedish.

health do you have any allergies ➔ No are you lactose intolerant ➔ Slightly. I have IBS and sometimes it’s a trigger. IT depends on the amount. have you had surgery ➔ Fix a broken elbow, another to fix a deviated septum have you had stitches ➔ Not that I can remember have you broken a bone ➔ Said elbow has someone close to you died of a disease ➔ My grandfather died of cancer do you exercise a lot  ➔ Hahahahaha no. I used to LARP/do archery, but sadly drama ruined that for me. I also many moons ago rode horses (and owned them!) but now I’m poor. experiences have you ever had a near death experience ➔ No have you ever been on a plane ➔ Yup quite a lot have you ever had an allnighter ➔ God no. I need a lot of sleep. have you ever been to school/work after a sleepless night ➔ Yeah have you ever been in a physical fight ➔ See above re LARP. We literally hit each other for fun. Also, used to do Muay Thai. have you ever been to a wedding ➔ Yes, including my own, lol.  have you ever been to a funeral ➔ Yes have you ever lived in a different country ➔ Maybe one day have you ever been drunk ➔ Ugh yes. Lately every time it gives me a migraine, though. have you ever been trick or treating ➔ Yes, I miss being a kid and so that wasn’t weird. :’D have you ever been in a school play ➔ Yes, I was a theater kid in high school have you ever been to a camp ➔ Horseback riding camp have you ever driven a car ➔ Own one, so quite often skills how many languages are you fluent in ➔ One have you ever read a book in another language ➔ Does Beowulf count? can you roll your tongue ➔ Yes can you braid hair ➔ Yes. Regular, french, dutch, and fishtail. can you do a handstand ➔ Haha no, I’m fat and unathletic. habits do you crack your knuckles ➔ Mhm do you bite your nails ➔ You caught me doing it right now do you bite your lips ➔ Sometimes, I’m an anxious biter/skin picker

favourites

what’s your favourite movie ➔ Hmmmm. I honestly don’t know. Star Wars is up there. what’s your favourite tv show ➔ Avatar, Parks and Rec, Steven Universe, House what’s your favourite book ➔ Hahahahahaha I have like, no joking, 50 favorite books. It would be easier to do favorite authors: N.K. Jemisin, Ann Leckie, Tolkien, Robert Jordan, Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman, Jacqueline Carey, Brandon Sanderson, Douglas Adams, Robin Hobb, Margaret Atwood... ok I’ll stop there. I’ll put it this way. I regularly read 150-200 books a year so there’s a lot I like. what’s your favourite song ➔ I don’t really have one, I guess. what’s your favourite colour ➔ Purples/blues what’s your favourite animal ➔ Catsssss what’s your favourite season ➔ Autumn!

this or that summer or winter ➔ Winter, I love the cold and hate the heat. It’s miserable right now and humid as fuck.

day or night ➔ Ehhh I mean I’m always exhausted so. Neither :P cats or dogs ➔ Cats but I also love dogs. rain or shine ➔ A balance of both. coffee or tea ➔ Coffee. Black. reading or writing ➔ See above re reading 200 books a year. Lol. I mostly associate writing with work. humorous or serious ➔ Humorous, especially with TV

brown or blue eyes ➔ Idk eyes are pretty

single or group dates ➔ Meh kind of over dates. I’d rather hang out with friends and play board games. texts or calls ➔ Texts. Calls exacerbate my anxiety. driving or walking ➔ Driving. I’m lazy. last

last phone call ➔ My vet checking on my cat, who has a cold. Lol. last text ➔ My dad asking me to come down tomorrow last song you listened to ➔ Something from the Star Wars soundtrack last thing you ate ➔ Chicken curry. last thing you drank ➔  Water. I’m boring. last purchase  ➔ Chips and dip last time you cleaned your room ➔ Couple days ago, I guess?

People to Tag I have no idea, lol

[lesbianworlock]

List of things my family did before I went to the mental hospital that made my anxiety way way worse because I feel the need to publicly shame my family since I’m mad at my mom for saying my phone causes all my health problems and my dad for similar reasons:

1.) my mom consistently told me I was faking absolutely everything. Every massive screaming panic attack I had when I was literally rubbing the skin on my arm raw, since I rub my arms when I get anxious, was just me faking. The migraines and stuff I get three times a week, she told me I faked those (because she used to get nine and that’s much more realistic and obviously not anything I could inherit) and that I was doing everything to get out of school

2.) spent the entire summer telling me I could do online school and then took me to enroll at a physical school. I had saved the money for the first few online school payments (I planned on getting a better job after my summer one ended) on my own and was working at a job that treated me like shit for it and when she did that I like weird panicked and stopped saving money and blew through it.

3.) when my mom called the school and had them block my car in with the school cop after my dad said I could go home which triggered a second panic attack and the assistant principal at my school had to watch me drive heave on the pavement and rub my arm to bleeding before he called my mom to tell her he sent me home

4.) after that incident I decided I couldn’t go back to Staley and my mom told me if I didn’t go to Staley, not even if I transferred to a different school in the district, that I would be forced to sell ALL of my instruments (20 of them are mine personally and this one is particularly mean since she knows I’d never be able to afford to buy them all back and a few of them belonged to family members who’ve passed), and I would have to start paying her rent, she’d take my car and phone AND I’d have to quit my job (which hello how would I pay rent?) none of it made sense and when I explained this to her she said she’d never said that

5.) everytime I’d panic, no matter where I was or why I was panicking I’d call my mom because I just wanted to talk to someone and couldn’t think well enough to remember to call anyone else but instead of talking to me she’d start fucking screaming at me and when I confronted her about this she said “well your anxiety triggers mine” okay? And your reaction to anxiety is to call your child a faking bitch and tell her that she doesn’t deserve to feel better? Likely. Those are direct quotes btw she really called me names when I was at my mental lowest!!!!

6.) I once texted my dad a full explanation about why I was so upset once and it was really long and he chastised me for sending him anything and said to talk to my mom, after telling me I could just talk to him since mom didn’t react well to me when I was upset and I told him this and he responded “I’m not reading that book. I don’t care that you’re upset.”

7.) I asked my dad why he constantly sided with my mom about things (like when I was 16 and she kicked me out for a month because I told her she couldn’t do my laundry, that’s a story. Or when I was fifteen and she beat me with a wallet, another story) and why he let her scream at me when I was panicking and why he let her threaten to take away my things and even things they provided that I didn’t care if they took away and he said “she’s my wife and she’s the adult so I don’t care what you’re defense for yourself is even if it is correct. She’s right”

8.) when I went to enroll in my senior year I kept threatening to do things that would hurt or threaten my life at school while we were there if my mom didn’t take me home and she didn’t put me in the hospital till almost October because I was clearly just “being dramatic”

9.) the last time my mom threatened to take away my things, including all my clothes and bed sheets most of which I paid for, and the only stuffed animals I still really have which is a big pillow I’ve had since birth and a pink hippo me and my great grandma both had that my aunt Kathy bought us when we thought my grandma was gonna die in the hospital but she didn’t die for like ten more years (you understand why that would be upsetting for her to take), I took 100% of everything out of my room and dropped it in hers and told her if she wanted it she had to find space for it because she couldn’t store her things in my room and she got so mad she called my grandma and they both said “she didn’t say that that isn’t what she meant” and got pissed at me for doing that, but like why were you threatening to take my fucking clothes away Bitch? My grandma showed up at our house even to help me put things back in my room and couldn’t understand why I was upset since my mom hadn’t said she was taking any of my things. She had. Explicitly.

10.) my mom called my grandpa to come physically drag me out of bed during a panic attack while my dad was out of town, my grandpa got there and saw what was wrong with me and refused since clearly I was upset, I was crying and asked him if he knew the time because I was late for school and needed to get up and get ready but I was too upset to just then and he gave me a hug and left my house after telling my mom to let me be, and so my mom went in and tried to lift me out of bed so hard it bruised me, and then my dad got home cause his flight had come in and the airport is close to my house and he went and screamed at me for panicking and didn’t understand why I was so upset that she’d grabbed me and was mad that I was missing school. I was already panicked I didn’t need to be grabbed and yanked because I was running late to school

11.) I’ve no idea if this actually happened but in an attempt to make me go to school my favorite sister who did very little wrong actually told me that my oldest sister wasn’t going to let me see my nieces ever again if I didn’t graduate from Staley. Both my sisters after my oldest either dropped out or flunked out of college, one of whom worked part time at sams club at the time and the other worked as a waitress. My oldest sister tho thot “well the two sisters that dropped out of school are fine but fucking Cassie wants to do online school so she’s a bad influence.” I’ve no idea if my oldest sister said that but it literally fucked me up so bad

12.) none of my grandparents, including the grandma and grandpa who live up the street from us and were already mentioned, did anything to help or stop my parents from doing what they did because I was am only eighteen, and was seventeen when all that happened and so they weren’t bothering to ask for my side since my parents are the adults and just assumed the narrative of me constantly screaming at my parents and being incredibly rude was true. It was to a point, because I get black out when I panic bad enough and would text my mom big long messages about why I was upset and then she’d start screaming at me and I’d tell her “you’re no fucking help don’t sit there and be a fucking bitch if you aren’t going to fucking help” I know that cause texts but I also don’t remember sending those and have profusely apologized. But my mom would only show them that text and not the text where she was screaming at me and playing the victim and turning it into “so I’m just the worst fucking mother ever huh?” Like I didn’t say that I said I’m upset stop turning the attention to you and please help me calm down

13.) got me a therapist that refused to see me after I got violently ill and called to reschedule an appointment the day before the appointment and then didn’t get me another therapist

14.) literally let me take two ssri’s at once and when I got seratonin syndrome (which can fucking kill you) didn’t take me to the doctor for a week until it was obvious that something was actually wrong because, and I quote, “well Cassie you have such a history of making things up I didn’t even know you weren’t lying.”

15.) again, saying I lied about all of my health issues. I have anxiety & depression, and migraines. Tied to the anxiety is ibs but that’s stomach issues. My depression probably would’ve developed on its own but. The anxiety, especially at school, was because I was missing so much school with stress induced migraines, my junior year I almost flunked out because I had teachers flat refusing to give me homework because they thought I was skipping, teachers never called my parents to ask what was actually wrong, they never asked me what was wrong, they just assumed I was skipping class when I was really sick. That coupled with depression and stuff caused me to develop really intense anxiety around going to school because no matter how hard I tried my teachers weren’t going to let me catch up and so while I did have anxiety before, the migraines didn’t help the situation. All of those issues are on my medical records too. I have been diagnosed with those issues. But I made them up. Obviously.

16.) didn’t take me to the hospital until I said “I’d rather be dead than feel this way.” I said way way way way worse shit before that but they told the doctors they were trying their hardest and that that’s why they brought me in.

Genuinely there was much more but the only person in my family who I have no memories that make me start crying to recall from August to October of 2018 with are my sister Cayla and her mans because they both had a lot of issues with school and never told me anything upsetting outside of letting me vent and offering advice when asked.

A lot of these things are said in favor of me and I still love both of my parents but you have to realize that even as the child in this situation I didn’t deserve anything they were doing to me. They could’ve sat down and talked to me and told me I wasn’t doing online school instead of letting me think I was. They could’ve been caring or not told me I was lying 24/7. Like idk how to paint my mom texting me, there are actual records of her saying directly, “you have to give me all of your things if you don’t do this and I will make you wear one outfit every day. You have to pay rent and sell all your instruments, because none of them can stay in the house. You also have to quit your job, but if you can’t pay rent I’ll kick you out.” In favor of my mom. I don’t know how to say that in a way that makes her look good without 100% denying that she did it. Which is what she did. A lot of the stuff that happened that I didn’t mention doesn’t sound bad but it just builds up and stuff. Like this is a really long post but I’m really upset because I’ve been waking up early and not sleeping well so no sleep which makes me upset and while everyone is asleep right now (I’m on vacation in Minnesota but everyone else in the room is asleep) I’m making a post about this because this morning my dad told my grandma I didn’t actually have insomnia, I had a phone addiction and wouldn’t admit it and he took some digs at me in the car when he thought I couldn’t hear and I’m still really mad about it.

Also I did graduate from Staley so I guess I get to see my nieces still.

[chaosorchestrator]

RPG maker (and similar) games I recommend

rpg maker has been used to make a lot of really cool stuff and these games need some love so check them out under the cut

The Witch’s House.

alright lets start with some horror, this is one of the scariest games i know of in many parts, the pacing is great and the scares are very well executed. The puzzles can be obtuse at times, and the plot, while very solid, is somewhat simplistic, but the scares and atmosphere are definitely worth it.

Potential Triggers: gore and potentially scopophobia

jumpscares: major

Ib

Ib’s strongest points are characterization, dialogue, and creative puzzles. its branching narrative can be difficult to understand at points, and leads to different endings so expect to do multiple playthroughs. i dont personally find it scary but it does have some creepy imagery in places. Check it out if youre interested in exploring an art gallery gone very weird.

Potential Triggers: none notable that i can recall

jumpscares: minor to moderate

Mad Father

this one is another entry with very good writing and a very well developed plot and cast of characters. It has some trouble being scary but the writing is very solid. the game has an in-depth exploration of several forms of madness and is a wild ride. do note that the secret ending is very difficult to get, and has major plot elements

Potential Triggers: gore

jumpscares: moderate

Misao

this one is an interesting point of contrast with mad father actually. they were both made by the same person. this one’s subject matter is significantly darker but the execution makes it difficult to take seriously at times. the story is creative and well thought out, but the puzzles can be obtuse and the translation is very poor in places (in at least one case they say moisturize when it should really be hydrate) but its well worth  your time egardless, the failed horror moments are often unintentionally hilarious.

Potential triggers: Gore, Implied rape, severe emotional trauma

jumpscares: major but frequently funny instead of scary

Blank Dream

this one is very slow paced and introspective, there’s a lot of allegory in the gameplay, and the puzzles are tied to the story. it’s not quite as scary as the witch’s gouse but it has it’s moments, its a truly surreal adventure thar rewards exploring the narrative

Potential Triggers: Rape mention, Incest, drowning

jumpscares: minor

Mogeko Castle

ok so this one is a truly surreal horror game. it involves a girl escaping a castle full of tiny yellow creatures obsessed with high school girls and prosciutto, and along the way she meets a wide variety of entities that want to harm her in a bunch of varied but similarly horrifying ways. the game doesn’t really have much in terms of puzzles, the items serve seemingly no purpose, and the tone varies wildly from light hearted comedy, black comedy, exestential horror, and psychological introspection and everything in between. i wouldnt say this is the best rpgmake game but you certainly won’t be bored

Potential Triggers: rape, gore, incest, scopophobia, probably a bunch of others this game gets dark and weird

Jumpscares: very minor

OFF

from surreal horror to just surreal, this is the only game on this list with actual rpg mechanics. This one has a pretty substantial following a while back but its always worth recommending in case it passed some people by. This game is truly unique and has a distinctive art style that stands in contrast to many of the other games here, and most rpgmaker games in general. i wouldn’t classify this game as horror but it is creepy at times. keep in mind that the game frequently uses obscure words and odd turns of phrase so it might be challenging to someone who isn’t a native english (or french in the original) speaker. oh, and the game has some great music.

Potential Triggers: None notable that i recall

jumpscares: none

OneShot

definitely the cutest protagonist on this list. I won’t say too much about this game because it’s the kind best experienced blind, but i will say that the art is very pretty the world is well built and its relationship with the player is unique. There’s a free version available but i strongly recommend you play the steam remake instead, it’s only 10$ and it improves a lot and adds quite a bit to the story compared to the original. If you liked undertale you will definitely like this one, trust me.

Potential Triggers: none in the traditional sense, but some of the games features may be alarming to some people. Remember that it’s all part of the game.

Jumpscares: none

And thats my list that i can think of, Please feel free to add more and do let me know if i missed any triggers or anything

[endlessparty-blog1]

list of RP favourites and least favourites !  tagged by: stolen from @fortunasua​

first name: gabe

favorite fcs to play: i don’t use icons much anymore and when i did, i never had a favorite. i just pick up muses that i think i can help flesh out a little.

favorite ship you’ve ever had: ships with @filumessentia​ / @xanadere and @fortunasua​ , @kunori​ , @valkya​ , @helmsplit​ / @gamedrowned​ / @chickenwuss​ , and my bf @jihykims​. these blogs are all over the place but the muns are my favs to ship with in every fandom i’m in. i know if i wanted to write something romance i will have a blast with them, regardless of the characters we play.

favorite fandom you’ve been in: pokemon!! i keep going back. started up my protag calem again the other night. shameless plug. i also have much fun in the jojo fandom.

favorite song to give you muse: this is embarrassing but higurashi ost lol

least favorite fcs to play/play against: youtubers... i never rp with a yter blog but... i really dont see the appeal.

least favorite rp experience: forced nsfw but also. people like. not talking to me beforehand and then taking something from my about page and running with it. like for example a few years back i had a poke oc who was a part of the Lost Parents Club and someone made a blog for his mother and tried to rp with me. like im flattered u like my character that much but damn send me a message or SOMETHING do you know how weird it is to randomly get an ask or a stater from ur ocs dead mother. wtf. also that same oc got straight up stolen but they used him under a “crack” version i mean like i wasnt too offended but it wasn’t a great experience to see ur oc being misconstrued for the lols and u dont even know the person whos doing it

least favorite genre of writing: i like to write everything. i can tell you my favorite genere is adventure / romance / horror hybrid. i guess boring tropes like.. i dont know. i don’t really like highschool aus. private school / college is cool to me but highschool is so zzz....

least favorite fandom you’ve been in: my relationship with pokemon is complicated. also the ib fandom was wild but thats because when i joined it was mixed in with f/naf and like.... the f/naf rp.... i was only there for like 3 weeks but there are Stories to be Told...

least favorite thing people assume about your character:  LOL I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING THIS FOR SOME REASON i guess it bothers me that people say she didn’t get help when she went to therapy for about 3 weeks and quit. like obviously its not the type of help she needed but at the same time it’s not like it wasn't addressed idk 

other characters you’d like to play:  i play 707 and i also play saeran on LINE sometimes... if i were to pick up another m/ysmes muse it would probably be some version of the mc or i’d make an oc. 

muse preferences

females / males / canons / ocs / corrupted / good / live action / animated / human / supernatural / other species / hopeless romantic / averse to love / younger (15-25) / older (25+) / easy for you to relate to / hard for you to relate to.

plot ideas

accidentally married / affairs / age gaps / angst / apocalypse / arranged marriage / boarding school / college roommates / criminals / enemies to lovers / enemies with benefits / exes / fake relationship / fluff / forbidden relationship / friends with benefits / online relationships / pregnancy / prison / professor/student / road trips / rich kids / royalty / smut / supernatural / toxic relationships.

possible triggers in plots you’re okay with

abuse / bdsm / daddy kink / drinking / drugs / dub-con / gore / incest / kidnapping / murder / non-con / prostitution / stepcest / stockholm syndrome / torture.

italics are conditional, strikeout is a no. both means i’m okay with mentions of/allusions to, but i’d rather not actually rp the mentioned content.

[butterflies-in-my-tummy]

Fatigue, Fighting & Future

It has been a funny few weeks and when I say funny I mean a little tough and unusual. I was certain that despite being exhausted and a little off-kilter, that I was fine and with rest I would soon be back on track, I was desperate to feel a sense of normality and I craved it more than anything else. I was extremely confused then when I came to the realisation that I wasn't fine, that the anxious knot had grown and tangled in my chest and was weighing down on me uncontrollably, I was floored and I hadn't even seen it coming.

When I started this blog I promised to be frank and document every aspect of my life with mental health, I write this post hoping that, as always, my openness serves to help just one person see that they are not alone because I know that being transparent in these matters is not something that comes as easily to others as it does to me. That being said, we must all cope and manage ourselves as best helps us to live everyday.

So here it is, it was a Wednesday night and I had had too much time alone with my thoughts, I had been spiralling for days without realising and then I hit the bottom. It was ugly and I felt ashamed that I was so weak, that I was so unable to cope with life and I was utterly disappointed with myself. Luckily for me my husband is my guiding light and despite being screamed at despairingly, he held me until the tears stopped falling and I fell asleep. The next day he encouraged me to go to the doctors, I did so and decided to start on medication to help get me back on track, I was very resistant but the Doctor being sensible said to me “we all have our breaking point, being able to accept help is the hardest thing on the journey to recovery”, I may be paraphrasing slightly but the point still stands.  

I was signed off from work for a couple of weeks, a fact which hardly anyone knows about, as you know I pride myself on my honesty and openness in all matters and so for me to keep this so much to myself is testament to the depth of personal struggle that I was experiencing. The problem with having such strong beliefs in transparency and truth is that sometimes you end up feeling guilty or uncomfortable for not sharing every aspect with the people you know, but sometimes thats exactly what you need to do and of course you should never feel conscience stricken for keeping your own counsel. Sometimes the best way to be kind to yourself is to do so and to not open yourself up to the opinion or judgement of others - no matter how kindly it might be intended - when you are vulnerable it may only make matters worse.

I was as mentioned, in shock and so more determined to get passed this moment of struggle, I allowed myself a couple of days in my safe place (my bed) but made sure I created somewhat of a daily routine, including eating my three meals and showering (these sound obvious but the hardest thing to do is care for yourself when your mind is not working as it should be). The few days later I started making sure I got up and out of bed and did at least one craft a day, this is both something I find therapeutic and gives me a sense of achievement in a relatively easy way. After this I progressed to going for walks, when you are mentally exhausted it is astounding how heavy your whole body feels, like each limb is weighed down and like your head is heavy and fuzzy and all the while the little voice is screaming ‘I can't do this’. Imagine walking through a wall of water with dumbbells attached to every single part of your body and you have a migraine and you can just about imagine how intense the feeling can be. With my body engaged I wanted to bring my mind back up to scratch and so I started an online writing course and read a few books. Before long I was desperate to get back into my regular routine of life but I still had to be careful and so my first week back at work consisting mostly of shorter days. It just so happened that I then had my holiday abroad and so off to Poland I went - I hate flying at the best of times so I was fairly nervous knowing it wasn't the best of times for me. We had a lovely time and by the time I got back I was feeling ever more capable of committing to my normal life. Determination and commitment are all very well, but I didn't get through with sheer force of will.

Its never an easy decision to start on any kind of medication for any kind of illness, but if you had an infection you would take antibiotics and if you had IBS you would take anti-spasmodics, why would it be any different for an illness in your brain. This is the most important thing to try and remember and it is often the hardest thing to do, what with the self-deprecating thoughts flying through your mind and the overwhelming urge to stay and hide in the safeness of your bed. Its not pretty at first, they make you feel woozy and detached from life, you might have headaches and feel nauseas but over all these are small side effects; if you decide to take medication and feel anything more severe then it is important to tell your doctor ASAP. The good effects start almost as instantaneously, first there is this sensation of release in that broiling knot in your chest, this leads to an overall sense of calm and after a week or so you feel more level and able to cope with life, the fogginess disperses and you are in a better place. It is temping at this point to stop taking the medication, don’t. Everyone knows the phrase ‘Don’t run before you can walk’.

The second most important part of rehabilitation is therapy, its easy to assume that there is always a reason for a rise in anxiety or depression and sometimes there is an over riding issue, sometimes its many little things that have mounted up until you reach breaking point, sometimes its something in your past that is so engrained in your being that there are simply triggers and sometimes its a bit of all of the above. The point is, no one person or situation is the same and so no single form of therapy is best, I have been to a handful of university or NHS councillors in the past and as valiant and genuine as those efforts are, they are limited to their six week time limit for therapy. In my personal experience they do not have enough time or resource to heal and reprogram a lifetime of a persons experiences and habits. This for me is an important part of my recovery, there is so much of my reactions that are habitual and so the hardest part of this journey is retraining my mind to respond differently.

Re-trainng my mind is incidentally something I had already taken steps to do as I have been partaking in daily meditation with the app ‘Headspace’ (something I would highly recommend for daily anxiety or just for a daily sense of balance).  On this occasion I decided to pay for private sessions with a recommended therapist, bearing in mind that in this point in my life and career it is the first time I can afford the luxury to do so.  Unlike previous experiences, my therapist has had the time to get to know me and my past more intimately and I strongly feel that her methods (CBT as a leading form) are bespoke to me; pair this with my absolute determination that I want these long term anxieties to evolve and change and I am more hopeful than ever that I will reach a place of clarity and of a calmer and more resilient mind.

I am still working on all of the above but I am in a completely different place to any that I feel I have so far experienced in my life, there are things I need to work particularly hard at, my appropriate emotional responses, catastrophising and assertiveness are but to name a few. The difference is that with the combination of aspects mentioned above, I feel more sure than ever that I am on the right and longterm path for me. I want to be clear that I relay all of this to anyone reading in the hope that it might help and not for self-gratification or pity. I know that what has worked for me may not work for everyone, but what I will say is that what I have learned this time is that to make a long term change you have to make it every single day. I am blooming tired to be quite honest, because everyday I challenge my every thought and feeling and its both very self-revealing and very arduous but at the end of the day, better mental health is absolutely worth it.

I also know that paying for therapy is not a luxury that everyone can afford, I know it is hard to ask for help but there may be a member of family or a friend who would love to help but doesn't know how, be it by being a helping hand or helping financially. Whatever it is just be sure to be grateful but not dependant, the journey is yours and so all of the hardest decisions must be made by you and you alone. I also cannot recommend meditation enough, you might think ‘but she was doing it for months before and it still didn't make a difference’, but its a long term commitment, changing the way you mind works isn't going to happen over night. I have twenty eight years of bad habits, expectations, judgements and mental scarring to work through, everything that is worth doing takes time and this is no different. Meditating is not that weird way of having a nap whilst sitting cross legged and humming randomly, sure you can do it that way but it is a very personal thing. When you wake up and you are still tired, when you are already worrying about the day ahead and feel hopeless, then why wouldn't it be a good idea to quiet your thoughts, focus on your breathing and calm your body before starting out for the day? I use headspace which has guided meditation with a chap called Andy and its almost like a small session of therapy every day, you can choose from ten, fifteen or twenty minute sessions and after you perform the thirty day foundation you can choose from a range of packs including; balance, self-esteem, anger, stress and so many more. Its all about taking time for yourself and being kind to yourself.

Once again I am sorry it has been a while since my last post, there is certainly a sense of irony when you consider where my mind was at then, to where is has been and to where it is now, but I think that shows the pure unpredictability of mental health. I would also like to say that I do not feel ashamed or embarrassed as I did at the lowest point of this period, those are thoughts that are indicative of anxiety and depression, they are not my real thoughts, they belong to the illness. So next time you are hounded by such thoughts consider if they are the black dog (reference to a wonderful video of expression you can find on youtube) rearing its ugly head or if you are just surrounded by arseholes.