#and its like. i cannot even explain myself to people who dont experience it because theyll never understand

[misfortunegirl]

bpd really does make you the worst huh

[last-flight-of-fancy]

I would love to hear your trans alphinaud and lesbian alisaie headcanons or more about the subtext you see! Especially alisaie.

AHHH oh gosh i would love to answer!! Though I must admit that these are built from many (MANY) small moments across the whole game more than a few easily pointed at examples, which means its.. kind of difficult to pull up (and remember) all the evidence.

That being said, i do still have Many Thoughts about it :DDD

First off trans Alphinaud was set into my mind very early on by one simple fact: identical twins are almost always born the same sex. like almost invariably, with the very rare exceptions needing some wild extenuating circumstances. and you cannot tell me those two are fraternal.

now ofc this is fiction, and a fantasy world besides. who's to say the writers knew that particular fact? well good news! alphinaud presents a *lot* of other common trans experiances, which are scattered throughout the msq and optional side dialogue.

(shoutout to me for having the exact same thought four years apart before and after playing the game myself. i have absolutely no memory of the first post at all because i also have no memory of watching my partner play shadowbringers even though i definitely did. rare adhd memory loss win! i got to experiance my favourite thing for the first time twice!)

post 1: dated 2019, talking about how alphinaud is extremely trans coded, being an identical twin of a different gender to his twin, cannot swim, is body shy and *extremely* hesitant about using public showers, and having interests that are traditionally coded as feminine in fiction.

post 2: dated 2023, the same thing but this time talking about how wonderfully alphinaud and alisaie are made to complement each other in opposite ways.

he cant swim: related to the body-shyness and hesitance around the showers, its VERY common for trans people to experiance these things due to dysphoria and societal perceptions. i myself started experiancing this (even though i LOVE swimming) when pubescence started to hit. (it sucks!) alphinaud was probably one of those ones who realised VERY early what he was (logic boy who is too dang smart for his own good) so he just.. never learned to swim at all. kept his nose buried in books instead.

traditionally feminine interests/abilities: sure it could be trope subversion, but personally i think theyre also things he just enjoyed before transitioning and thus continued to do.

and one more that i can remember off the top of my head: alisaie's reaction to estinian mistaking her for alphinaud.

"but alphinaud has no problem with being mistaken for-" let me explain, i swear it makes sense.

see, alphinaud is a little logic boy at heart, we know this. he knows he and alisaie share their features, that is simply a fact. alisaie though? alisaie is ruled by feeling, and reacts accordinly. most notably the Incident when she first meets estinian.

what i find especially interesting about this is that prior to that moment with estinian, neither of them appear to have much issue with their similarities. it's only after shadowbringers that alisaie reacts with such contempt

(probably not helped by her not liking estinian much in general lol)

what this says to me is that some time before or during ShB, alphinaud told alisaie that the way people mistake him for her does bother him, but he can't blame them for the mistake considering the circumstances, so he just doesn't mention it.

alisaie however can and will blame them and thus the next time someone mixes them up (rip estinian) she EXPLODES. because it's not about her. if it was about her i honestly dont think she would care nearly as much. but it's about her brother, and how dare you hurt her brother's hidden feelings by not being able to tell them apart.

(completely seperate headcanon but i do think that estinian is faceblind as fuck, which means he never stood a chance on this one, poor guy)

okay now for lesbian alisaie <3

what WAS it that thancred said about battle scars and maidens? and whyfor are you thinking about this alisaie? :3

also: Tesleen.

also also: Emery (A Malm in her Shoes short story)

fr tho alisaie pays attention to and talks about girls a lot. in a way she never does about boys. bringing up my complementary opposites wrt the twins thought from before, it honestly could've been another way the writers COULD have done that, having alisaie attempting to impress boys with her athletic skills the same way alphinaud tried to impress girls with his artistic ones (something he is teased about repeatedly). like the absence of this potential parallel is almost suspicious tbh...

once again, any one of these things in isolation is probably simply a choice in writing, but all these things together spell out to me one thing: alisaie likes girls. exclusively.

(im sorry you wanted lesbian alisaie thoughts more and i have less of that than the trans alphinaud ones, but if you come back in 3-5 years when i've finished my second msq run i will have compiled a far more complete list of evidence for both complete with screenshots, probably lol)

[miiilowo]

what's endogenic if you don't mind me asking? i have seen that as a dni in a lot of blogs and idk what it is

note: this does get sort of ranty as i explain, sorry about that. im not upset with You or anything im just upset about the subject in general

its a term that describes systems (e.g. DID or other similar things; when theres a bunch of personalities living in the same brain) that formed without trauma being the inciting factor in them being plural. Typically, systems are formed because some traumatic incident occurred (usually in early childhood) that caused their brain to sort of section itself off for protection. great, good, whatever. a lot of people dont like the idea that systems can exist without that trauma being there. and while i can see where these people are coming from, its generally an assholeish move to deny the existence of a large swathe of people & invalidate their experiences on the basis of them not fitting their idea of what they should be.

im not a system myself, but i am friends with a few & am dating a member of a system, (both traumagenic & endogenic) and i can confidently say that people who are anti-endogenic are kind of stuck in the same mindset that transmeds/truscums are. the idea that you have to meet THIS SPECIFIC LIST OF REQUIREMENTS for your experience to be valid is dumb as hell and i simply do not agree with it. ive known endogenic systems who were presented this diagnosis by mental health professionals, which kind of proves in of itself that 1. this can happen. not every system has to be formed through trauma. sometimes people are just like that 2. to assume we know everything about the human brain and how it works is absolutely ridiculous 3. clearly, not every non-traumagenic system is faking it. which leads into my next point

a lot of people who are anti-endo think that all endogenic systems are faking it for attention (which is, of course, not true). im sure there are some people who do fake being a system, but imo, its 10000000000x worse to be an ass to a bunch of people on the basis that some of them might be faking it.

i would rather be kind to 99 people faking a disability or illness, than deny any sort of courtesy or help to the one person in that group of 100 who is genuinely disabled. and being a dick to endogenic systems falls under that most of the time. like, its kind of hard to miss when youve got a whole bunch of people milling around with you in your head, you know? and its a lot harder to keep up that act in a convincing manner

even those who are "faking it" aren't harming anyone, at least, not on the scale that anti-endos seem to claim that they do. theres subreddits dedicated to bullying these people just sharing their experiences and it is deeply fucked up. hope this helps genuinely. sorry for ranting this just genuinely bothers me as someone who is close to so many systems

edit: (pasted from replies)

im turning off reblogs because i cannot handle any kind of discourse To Be Frank and this is gaining more notes than i'd like it to + some of the stuff said here was slightly wrong, though the overall point is not

[thelureking]

LILIUM'S 2023 GAME LIST:

Hey! Better late than never! I actually have been editing this list since november, but I lost some of the things I said about the last games and it took me this long to remember what I had written. The risks I run because my mind flows better when I write with pen and paper. So, seeing how well the last list did on my memory, and because I got bored of talking to myself, I shall torture the unlucky ones who have found this post with both my video game taste and my rambles about them. I am so sorry in advance.

It's the same as before: they are ordered chronologically, from first played/finished to last, not ranked in how much I liked them. If I dont say a lot its not because I didn't like it, or that it was bad. At times I didn't want to give too much away. This time I tried to write each segment right after finishing them, or the following days, so that's why I talk way more or in more detail about each game and my own opinions. And who knows, maybe this will be a yearly thing. I like it, I'm Having fun. And hopefully some of these games get the love they deserve by whoever reads this.

So, once again, and now with more words:

1) Mothmen 1966

Mothmen being in the title was enough for me to give it a go, so it's good to say that the game is also good. It is divided by chapters, each one from the perspective of one of our three protagonists, showing the perspective of these vastly different people even if they are connected in some way. The game goes from a visual novel style to changing the gameplay to be interactive while also maintaining its format, something that I found entertaining. Its visuals are a treat, and I believe they enhance the horror presented in the story. All of the parts in this game work in its favor. I cannot believe I am actually saying this, but to get an achievement you need to take an L. I am not joking. It is part of a puzzle and me being good at it made me miss an achievement. No hard feelings, I had a good laugh about it as I was going back to the save file and doing it again. Sometimes, sucking is the way to go. I may have spent way too much time trying to win the Impossible Solitaire. But I will, one day, you'll see.

2) Roadwarden

You know a game is good when I play it for hours uninterrupted and is the main reason I turn on the computer.

Roadwarden is, as the title image says, an illustrated text based RPG, in which you take the role of a Roadwarden who is tasked to explore an unknown peninsula to expand a merchant's guild's influence, establish its safety, and find out what happened to the missing previous roadwarden.

Let me tell you, this game is amazing from both a mechanical and storytelling level. Mechanically because the game keeps track of so many things, it will remember even an answer you gave at the very beginning, and it'll become an integral part of your character. Even little thoughts as you are about to sleep will shape who you are playing as. On the story telling level, so many of the quests and towns are interlinked that holding back on finishing certain quests is the way to go, although in some cases having as many done as possible will no doubt help. The characters and towns are all unique and memorable, each with history that shapes them and how they interact with each other and you, the outsider. Both gameplay and story service each other to present an experience unlike any other, enhancing each other at every opportunity. The art and soundtrack set the perfect atmosphere for each moment. And the world building. Man, the world building, it's just. So well done, you actually believe this is a real place that existed before you arrived, and that it will continue to do so after you leave. It wasn't waiting for you, it did not kick into gear just because you showed up. It has its own issues, its own history, its own people, nature, culture, and you can feel that with each written word, each piece of information. I can't even explain properly just how good the world building is.

I just really fell in love with being a guy on the road taking care of these settlements' problems, getting to know their inhabitants and gaining their trust, all while falling in love with the game. There is one quest that I do not want to spoil, but the ending was so. Fitting, in a way, that I was surprised I didn't see it coming. Even as I saw the achievement name once I completed it, I looked back and just. I just smiled like damn, good job.

If you want to really take in this entire world and its people, I would personally recommend playing in Casual, since any other difficulty setting will put a limit to the days you'll be allowed to stay, and I must stress that this experience must not be rushed. Unless you dont mind a time challenge, in which case you do you. Also don't know about your memory, but I needed to take notes, and some highlights are: "Efren marry me", "We should have all stabbed Thais full Julius Caesar style", "Eudica and Efren my beloveds" and "Thyrsus is my Warlock Uncle". With that being said, the Journal mechanic is a god sent, and I can't be more grateful that it exists. Finally, a journal that doesn't get stuck in the first sentences of a quest from when you first got it.

Oh boy, those are a lot of words. Can you tell I really liked this game? I can't wait to see more from this developer.

EDIT: THE GAME HAS RECEIVED A HUGE UPDATE THAT I HAVE YET TO PLAY, BUT OH BOY IT'S MAKING ME WANT TO REPLAY THE ENTIRE GAME AGAIN.

3) Exhibit of Sorrows

A short game set in a clown exhibit, with a point - click and drag gameplay. I'll keep this one short, since this game can be played for free in both browser and for download in Itchio, and it is a neat little thing that you can beat as fast or as slow as you want. You interact with each exhibit, clicking and dragging the mouse depending on what you need to do, each with a little buddy that you need to help or have fun with to get the key, and proceed to the next screen. Its length and artstyle make for a fun and interesting experience, pacing itself beautifully. It is effective in every way. And come on, they are clowns, they are so cute and look like plushies. I love them all.

4) The Firebrand

A game about a detective interrogating a woman with different word prompts that he writes down in his notebook, all which branch into more questions and answers. You'll uncover the story and the truth of this conversation as you play along, finding out stuff about the woman, the detective, and even the world they live in. It is an interrogation against a clock that keeps on ticking, and luckily the developers give us the chance to check out a dialogue tree and how to get both the Normal and True Ending. With that in mind, the questions that don't lead to either of these are worth reading, as they serve to paint a bigger picture. And hey, you can also get the Bad Ending while you do it.

5) Royal Alchemist

Royal Alchemist is a visual novel in which you, the protagonist, are tasked with tutoring the three princes of a nation. You will fight for your life against the challenges this new position presents and also the stat checks you will have to pass at different points of the story, both of your character and the princes. Speaking of, each one of them represents a different route, with their recommended order (which I highly request following as stated by the creators: Aurelius, then Serin, and finally Nazir. Trust me, they were made to be experienced like this, you wont regret it). You will experience the constant back and forth, the battle of swords and wits with Aurelius, the emotional build up with Serin, and to describe the main appeal of Nazir's route before playing it would be a spoiler. The romance in this VN is some of the best I've experienced. I have never read about two characters holding hands in such an intimate way, it made the pure build up of a route worth every second. And the Princes aren't the only interesting characters, this visual novel is full of fun and complex characters, all with their own personalities and roles. From Raphael, the butler who might as well be the patron saint of patience, to Viola, the infamous head merchant. It has a mechanic of stat raising and, as stated before, there will be points in the story where you will need to reach a certain level of a skill to be able to pass. But don't worry, there is an official guide made by the developers which is a life saver, which not only has each stat requirement for each route, but also with neat additions like character profiles and more. The only criticism I'll give it is that some scenes are cut short when they could have been expanded on and it would have had a better effect, not only in terms of an emotional connection, but also to further enforce the bond between the player and the relationship developed in the route. But besides that small complaint, this visual novel is one I would gladly recommend.

6) Fear & Hunger

God, this game. This game hates you on a mechanical level. This game will put the fear of god in you every time you get further away from a save point, every time you think "yeah I can take this enemy no problem" and next thing you know you are eating dinner with your creator; every time you think "oh neat, a new area" and proceed to eat shit and die for the next hour because you just lost a fucking arm and a leg and can't outrun your enemies anymore. And you refuse to start another run because you are just that stubborn, and you will suffer through the consequences of your early game actions. No this is not my personal experience what are you talking about. It is a bleak and grotesque horror rpg game, made with RPG Maker. You will accompany whichever poor soul you choose as your playable character in their trip to the dungeon of Fear and Hunger, for whichever the reason their story presents. Should you play this game? Be mindful of the triggering content, first and foremost. This is a dark game, and it does not shy away from depicting it. From enemy designs, gameplay mechanics, to the way of worshiping gods, to specific game overs, and so on. Its hard and you will feel it unfair. This game will not hold your hand, and when you think it does it will put its teeth around your wrist and tear it off your body, its saliva infecting your wound with poison and leaving you to rot. I love this game.

7) Clash: Robot Detective

Fun fact: I never look into games that much before playing them, which in this case led to the asssumption that I was going to play a robot. So I named my character Flesh, because I thought a robot named Flesh was funny and also cool. Turns out, I ended up playing a human named Flesh. Which was somehow even funnier, and ended up becoming a pattern when I played the extras, which have a different protagonist, and I decided to commit to the bit and named them Blood. Flesh and Blood, my favourite human beings.

You play as the extremely new assistant to our titular detective Clash, who asks for your help in solving a mystery taking place in the cruise ship you are vacationing on. Depending on the different dialogue options, you can play as the good or the bad cop, and Clash will balance you out in this act, which leads to different and interesting outcomes.

I have to say, the artstyle drew me in. I am a sucker for these types of illustrations, and I'm glad that the writing and story were as good. I was invested not only in the case, but also on Clash as a character, who I will longingly stare at from a distance because I respect his boundaries and preferences.

Keep on going, you majestic robot detective, I can't wait to see what kind of trouble you get into in the future.

8) EXCUSE ME SIR (Demo)

Long awaited (at least for me) DEMO from Airdoft (creator of FAITH) and , and it all came about because of her videos and a single tweet.

The demo is short, but it shows the great potential of what a game like this could grow into, and I cant wait to see it become a finished project.

EDIT: Sadly, the game has been canceled, so we won't be able to see this concept grow into a finished game. Hopefully it'll inspire others with its style and presentation.

9) (Don't) Open Your Eyes

In this room, you know how everything looks. Does that include your midnight intruder?

This entire VN is a one sided conversation between you and something that may or may not be there, shaped in the darkness of your closed eyelids. Both of you are gripped by the same question, the intrigue eats away at you. Your imagination runs wild trying to give shape to this anomaly, and it is so desperate for you to find out.

There is only one way to do so:

Don't open your eyes.

10) Fortress

Man, short and effective is the way to describe this one. It has such a fantastic grip on atmosphere and tension that I admire. It truly captures the feeling of returning to a place where an impactful childhood memory took place.

Using the same location and making you play through it at different times of the story was done so well. I was ready for things to happen just because they did in the past, the first half of the game, and expected them to happen again.

In the past, I was ready to shoot on sight. As an adult, I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger, not even to see if I could. I don't know why, months after playing it, this little thing has stuck with me the most.

11) The Shadows That Run Alongside Our Car

You leave the gas station with a stranger, either on the wheel or sitting next to you. The silence hangs heavy between you two, the road is empty, the sun is setting, and the end of the world is now. Time to break the silence, you get to choose who. In this visual novel you get to decide how this conversation at the end of the world unfolds, a game of perspective between our two characters, who may hide certain details about themselves or reveal them, if they give you the choice. After all, what would you gain by hiding a secret in this car ride? It could be your last.

12) Attack of the Murder Hornets

Hornets are evil, evil things of nature. They are coming for your bees.

They are coming for you.

BE READY

13) Baldur's Gate: Enhanced Edition (+ Siege of Dragon Spear)

There has to be a saying that goes: If you can't play the game everyone is talking about, go play every single game in it's series that came before it. Because that's what I did, even if I already wanted to play the Baldur's Gate games before the third one came around. But it was definitely a good push. The game's story has a much smaller scope than I expected, or maybe that's just how I feel now that I am currently playing the second game, but I think it works in its favor.

I think the reason I don't have much to say, besides the fact that I had lots of fun, is because my head is still processing Siege of Dragon Spear (with its much bigger scope) and what I am currently seeing in the second game. What all I'll say about that one now is man, what a way to start a sequel.

My suffering came mostly from the ruleset used (which I was unfamiliar with) and the fucking paralysis spell. Fuck it. ALL MY HOMIES HATE THE PARALYSIS SPELL.

In terms of characters, I didn't end up using most of the available NPCs in my party, even if I made the effort of recruiting them all, mostly because the ones I had I liked a lot. I liked Rasaad and I was pleasantly surprised he had a romance in the expansion AND the second game, which I am enjoying a lot. Jaheira and Khalid never left my party, same with Imoen who I kept treating like a sister because come on, the setup of being raised in the same city since birth and being childhood friends was perfect. I love Baeloth an unhealthy amount, he is so perfect in the expansion I made an effort to keep him in the party even if I had high reputation. In the expansion my party was insane looking. Like Oh yes, the Hero of Baldur's Gate, her monk companion Rasaad, Jaheira and... a gnome nobody knows why he is around, Baeloth the entertainer I guess, and a GOBLIN? At one point I did switch Jaheira for Viconia, only because Baeloth was one point of reputation away from leaving the party. I swear, the grip that man has on me. The story from Viconia's POV must be so funny: She gets recruited and instantly tells me she is fucking off, gets recruited again only because I dont want an idiot entertainer to leave; and then when she is about to be killed, who comes to her rescue? THIS DUMBASS. She must be like: GOD, DAMN IT, I CAN'T ESCAPE THIS BITCH. I am her surface curse.

My closing thought for this game is: Whoever made the TOSC maze... Who the fuck hurt you? Same goes for whoever made that final boss. WHY?!

[urfavisapermaregressor]

This blog makes me feel disgusting as a permaregressor. It's honestly weird that you'll put permaregressor headcanons onto young children such as Ash or Kanna, they wouldn't even know what regressing is let alone permaregression. They're still KIDS. God, I agree with that other anon. You making permaregression seem like something fun and cute and desirable is putting actual permaregressors back. I hate having the mind of a child forever. I hate how you and other age regressors act like I cannot be an adult because I'm mentally stuck in adolescence. I hate how you're putting aesthetics on something that's honestly debilitating. Permaregression should be studied and marked as a mental illness for fucks sake, it kind of feels like you're not actually a permaregressor because of how you infantilize it and turn it into something cutesy and soft and uwu baby hehe haha. Fucking hell dude.

ok if you're gonna be rude to me im gonna be rude back. my life is ruined because of being permaregressed. ive set myself back, ive missed out on so many opportunities, i will never feel adequate or equal to anyone "my age," and on top of that i have been depressed and suicidal because of this and how much it has affected my life. do you think i wanna be a kid forever? genuinely, do you think im trying to make this seem desireable? bc if a headcanon for a fictional character makes the people you've made up in your head think "hm maybe permaregression isnt serious bc someone said ash from pokemon is a permaregressor" you AND them must be extremely fucking stupid because it's an image of a character on a flag. thats not setting anyone back, also we can't be set back bc we're not oppressed?? yeah we're different but holy shit we aren't having a movement/revolution. like this isn't hurting anybody. i shouldn't have to explain shit to you but i have cried so many tears and have trauma due to this shit. i never got a chance to grow up. i am stuck as this hurt child for the rest of my life and im forced to be someone i mentally am not able to be. i wake up and cry, i avoid my parents because im so ashamed i cant be the daughter they wanted. this obviously isnt "cute" and i would kill someone to not be this way, to have a chance at being somebody who's able to function through life properly so for you to say this shit just because i put a banner with stars and hearts is fucking ridiculous you piece of actual shit. not once on this fucking blog did i say it's fun being a permaregressor because it's NOT. dont tell me that it isnt. you dont know me, you dont know who i am, and you sure as hell aren't gonna tell me how my life is and how my experiences make me feel. it's hell. and i know that, and if you wanna get pissed at me for something as unharmful as headcanoning my favs for comfort then go ahead. i really don't give a shit.

i agree with you that permaregression should be studied. i headcanon a lot of my favorite characters have adhd or are autistic becahse it brings me comfort seeing my traits and disabilities in other characters. how is this any different? its not, so get the fuck over yourself. if i and many others have to live life with this painful mental space, being an age that physically and societally isnt acceptable as my true age, then im going to find comfort in seeing characters with the same traits as me. and i can assume that goes for others as well. the headcanons make me happy and find comfort. what do you have to say for canon permaregressor characters you dumbass?

and need i remind you that ash and kanna were requests, THIS IS A HEADCANON REQUEST BLOG. if someone wants to say ash is a permaregressor that's fine. it's not canon, it's not hurting you. you will live. and also who gives a fuck?? ITS A HEADCANON OF A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. and i will direct you back the last damn anon reply if you're gonna bitch about me matching the banners i put on my posts to the color of the flag and me using kaomojis and shit. if my blog disgusts you so bad block me. if you don't and keep fighting me over literally nothing, get off anon or just fuck off pussy.

[jokestodiefor]

Kind of annoying how a lot of anti psych seems focused on not liking how mental illness is categorized and labels, as if thats the issue and not the inherent power imbalance between doctor and patient. Labels that talk about clusters of symptoms that appear together commonly are actually incredibly helpful for finding community and resources from people who also experience those things, and you can pry the NPD label from my cold dead hands.

Not to mention that not using categories will not reduce stigma or abuse, since the problem is the behaviours and symptoms themselves are stigmatized, and the psych industry is inherently abusive no matter how they talk about us because of the ungodly power they are given over us. Taking away my label just takes away my community and ways to cope which I only found once I realized it was NPD. Before that i had no framework to understand my symptoms and was having a much worse time and thought I was just abnormal and hated myself.

Focus on the actual issues of doctors having too much control over patients and patients having things done to them involuntarily or not being listened to and not being able to make their own treatment decisions. Destigmatize the labels, don't try to destroy them. Because I and many others are going to continue to use them regardless of whats in the official diagnoses books. And people arent going to not be ableist bc I lack a label. Lacking a label in fact makes it worse, because otherwise they go 'oh its bc they are crazy!!' But if you have a label and know how that disorder works it can be explained to them. Sociatally we need to promote compassion and understanding for different disorders and taking away the language just makes it harder to do that because we wont have a way to talk about it.

It does need to be recognized more that these things are often caused by trauma, the lines between labels are fluid and arbitrary, and people with these labels are not monsters, but that doesnt mean that they are never useful and cant be a tool of liberation and self identity for many people

Its fine if you dont want a label and want to be symptom focused but thats really not what the source of ableism or psych abuse is even though diagnoses can be used as a tool to abuse someone. But any thing can be used that way. We need to take away their control over us entirely so they cannot use anything to abuse us no matter how icky they think we are. Bc they are going to judge us for our symptoms even without a diagnoses. And i am never going to stop using a label that helped me find community, resources, and the ability to treat myself with love and respect for the way that I am.

[nahalism]

i just quit my job, that drained me. It feels both bad and good, because I don't have another one lined up, but it takes out all my life energy. The energy of my coworkers is dark and bullying, it's disrespectful. One of them is giving me the chills since day 1 and has dark energy. I don't know if witchcraft is a thing, but I randomly saw a video about it, i think it was wizardliz and how she said you take that energy and get these thought w you, even if you don't want it, i was like, ok this is exactly this person. It's hard to explain. Anyway, in the end it's me allowing myself getting disrespected. It means I'm not in the right place. The darkness that it gives me, is pushing me to see the light. But still I feel bad, cause a lot of people need a job, want a job, and I threw it away after 4 years. I'm sorry for ranting in your inbox. I didn't tell anybody, because I know people talk me out of it, cause it's a good job and you need money right. But i feel like i'd hang myself, being around these people a day longer. I don't wanna say there's bad people, but it felt lke that and i know everybody that puts darkness on me, needs to find their own light and pushes me to find mine. But man, idk, i can't believe there are people like this. Who constantly talk and judge others, never check the mirror. I don't like labels ,but I use to question myself if I'm anti-social, autistic, weird, but I believe I'm sensitive to a point that it doesn't matter what anybody says or does, it's what i feel and if that isn't good, i can not be around you. I know someone who hurt me, but i know in my heart she didn't mean to. I guess she didn't know better. Despite that, I feel pure about her. Safe around her and I know she does with me. And then there're these people who claim to be good, acts of kindness, trynna hang w you, but then it feels off. Not pure. Not safe. Does it make sense? I know I will face more situations like this, but how do I deal with it. Do you have tips? Don't feel obligated to answer. I hope you are doing good x

heyyyy, first of all!!! congratulations on making a decision that makes you happy. you did something brave and took your future into your own hands. dont let outside noise, guilt, or fear move you from acknowledging that. there are always ways to make money, but our time here and what we do with it is finite so the quality of your experience matters.

i think you did a powerful thing trying to find how those negative experiences could teach you something or push you toward an experience of life you would rather have. as im sure you know, negative experiences are half the battle. mastering ourselves and our response to them is often the harder and more necessary task. however, knowing that can make leaving harder, cause not being able to 'rise above' and endure something tough can often feel like a failure to master yourself or those circumstances. that said, i think you did the right thing leaving a space that doesnt make you happy. as much as we can change ourselves, its not our job to change people, and at a certain point we have to believe and trust in what we feel. our feelings toward things are some of our indicators toward whether or not what we experience is aligned with us.

in terms of witchcraft. i know juju is a real thing but i dont give it much weight or credence simply because i believe like frequencies latch on to like frequencies. if its true that the universe is mental and we create our realities then those things that manifest in our lived experience have their root within us. — this is why 1) theres a deep meaning to 'no weapon formed against me shall prosper'. when you have conviction of yourself and your path, wayward energies cannot get to you or conquer you. if someone would wish you evil, but you hold no resonance toward that evil, or you have no fear/insecurity concerning their power over you, that evil cannot latch on to you and returns back to sender. — 2) (this relates to how you conduct yourself in the future), practice stilling yourself, knowing where you are going, and what your experience of where you will to go looks and feels like. then go forward. when you encounter people you disagree with, who trigger you, or who give you a similar vibe to the people you have just left, you can do one of two things. seek the aspect of you that identifies with them. (if you didn't identify or fear their ability to rub off on you, you would be able to tune them out or brush them off. soon they would cease to exist around you whether its them getting moved to another department, or you getting promoted etc) orrrr. choose to see them. understand that beyond the face they show you, they have different faces and aspects to them. who are they to their mother? their brother? their children. by seeing them in the full scope of their humanity you can remember that they are more than the aspect of them you see that aggravates you & in doing so treat them as you would treat someone you love. its a funny thing, cause that person could be an asshole to everyone else, yet the softest most generous person to you, because when we see people for who they are or even more than what they are, they usually respond in like mind.

wishing you so much luck and good fortune in your future endeavours. your effort will not betray you 💋

[unityrain24]

rambling ahead

so on any of my fics that i write about something significant that i haven't personally experienced, i always put something in the notes saying something along the lines of "i tried my best to write this, but i don't personally experience it, so if you are a person who has experienced this, please let me know if i wrote anything incorrect/offensive so i can fix it!".

Most commonly, i do this for genderfluidity, as the character i write about is loki (who is. genderfluid). While I myself am queer, i am not genderfluid, so I cannot have first-hand experience. I feel it is important to let people know they can correct me if i unknowingly wrote anything incorrect/offensive. (which has not happened yet, in fact i've gotten various assurances from genderfluid commenters i am doing a just fine job). The note i leave isn't asking for an in-depth lecture, as i'm not a completely clueless person looking desperately for knowledge, it's just a little short thing telling them to let me know if I made a small mistake somewhere.

Anyways, today i got a comment on a fic i posted a year or two ago (it was my first published fic, actually), which was about loki & genderfluidness. The comment was on the routine note i was just explained, and the comment was:

heyy, maybe i could help you with some stuff, im just a beginner myself, but i see things very fast, so i could help with that, and to make the genderfluid thing more realistic, my friend is genderfluid, so i have some experience with it. its okay ifyou dont do anything wit this, wut if you do, feel free to message me:)

Which just seems like... a sort of strange comment?? (also i do feel bad putting their comment out here so i might delete it)

i wasn't asking for help

while i may have been a beginner when i wrote the fic, that was a year or two ago?? I have written plenty since then. While i am by no means a seasoned writer, i am hesitant to call myself a beginner beginner, at least in fanfiction terms (especially when this commenter only had three fics, all from this year, one of which was actually written by/with an ai, so even if i am a beginner, objectively i would still have more experience than them. we would not be the same level of beginner)

how would you have experience with being genderfluid if you aren't genderfluid.

'i am experienced in genderfluidity because i know a genderfluid person' would honestly be kind of funny if things like that weren't said all the time about various subjects (example: "is an expert on autism because my son is autistic" or "i can't be racist, my neighbor is black") (not perfect examples but)

again how would your view of genderfluidity be any "more realistic" than mine if neither of us are genderfluid

also the implication that mine is not realistic/ or at least lacking quality, while theirs wouldn't

also this assumes i don't know any genderfluid people myself?? which isn't true. i have met numerous genderfluid people. that doesn't give me experience

again i wasn't asking for help in my note, and if i did want help, i would just... ask a genderfluid person?? Or read things by genderfluid people? If i wanted help understanding/writing genderfluidity, why would i ask a non-genderfluid person?

also, i made this fic a year or two ago, and it's completed (and marked as such). Offering help on a completed fic is a bit strange?

also, what does "i see things very fast" mean

Now i'm not posting all this because i am mad or super-offended at the commenter!! Honestly, the comment was from wattpad, not my usual ao3, so the person very well could have been a middle schooler or something. And even if not, they seemed like they were trying be very nice/helpful. The post is long not out of anger, but because i found it a bit strange and also i have the inability to shut up.

Also i have no clue how to reply to this person

[chi1d0fcain]

As someone who have literally witnessed this, your feelings are beyond valid. I love u so much. Preacher’s daughter and everything you have ever made mean so much to me and they are literal masterpieces. Honestly, i mostly like the jokes in hopes of them reaching a bigger audience simply because i love u and i h8 how rare it is to find ethel stans in real life who know the lore and obsesses over it as much as me. And sometimes one reel could be the spark that starts all that. Giving u more streams and hopefully more money to fund more projects and hopefully physicals because i NEED IT. Is that selfish? Probably. Does it come with negatives? Absolutely. Is it worth it? As a barb first and foremost I think it totally is. Nicki is such a perfect example. Because she decides how seriously to take us. And treats the fans as literal children when they go crazy yet we always feel like we can joke with her and always appreciate her genius work all together. I feel like it’s something that all public figures have to deal with once famous enough and cannot be avoided.

I can never understand how you personally feel about this from your pov, and all the comments u receive but i find its very important and healthy for u to just simply filter these unserious people out whenever youre not in the mood and like. Log off. Or move to a different platform like nicki with queen radio which was literally the point of these radio shows that have now become as simple as ig lives. Not everybody has the energy to keep up with those esp if theyre boring in the beginning or maybe just stick more to tumbler or alt accounts whenever u want to discuss your art and those who care WILL be there to give u every ounce of support. But honestly these jokes are just another way of showing support and love. To these people and meme pages this is charity and their way of helping u gain more global attention and success which we all believe you deserve because of the greatness of your art. Whether u agree or disagree. I really appreciate the new album title and hope it shoos away the unserious children. But it is what it is. While we who care about u most will take these rants very seriously, those same people you complained about wont even read it. So yeah. Try these things. When u see something blown out of context yell at us in a simple story. When u wanna get serious, simple address the fans seriously just like a parent does. This way u ensure control over the fandom and maintain mutual respect and support! Those of us who love u wont go no matter how much u cuss us out. So let your emotions out. And we will always try to make fame a more pleasant experience. But as we all know its a curse. That also comes with benefits. Not saying this just as a barb, but everybody envies the relationship we have with nicki. She was literally in the middle of the street with fans surrounding her and she was doing a better job than crowd control + cops. And i know you are as great and as capable of such things despite how difficult it may seem. Keep reminding yourself that you have all the power over us. You can punish us with delays reward us with surprises etc. this is literally what nicki does. Like actual. Kids. And when u do that, us real fans feel entitled to play the big sister role, and we start individually making sure the childish people who don’t appreciate your art stay in their place. I hope u get my point. I love u so much. I wish i could elaborate more but i fear i already wrote too much and i really want u to read it so i dont want it to be overwhelming even tho its very messy and all over the place and i suck at explaining myself i really hope you see where im cominh from as i can literally go on about this for hours. Really wish i could help more. U got this tho! Love u to the moon and back.

Sincerely, a fellow child of cain.

P.s. even after all this i WILL add that i STILL would d13 to get my hands on your entire discography even unreleased pressed on vinyl. Not because im not taking u seriously, but because this is sooo important to me and we feel like the more we ask the more demand the higher the chance of getting what we want! Again, if this bothers you, you MUST go the parent route. Address the subject. Say that youre working on it. Or not interested in it right now. Show us that you hear every single one of us and simply respond accordingly instead of bottling it up and let it get to u. I promise if u address the issue once twice and thrice u will feel it go away. I know that it can be overwhelming as im neurodivergent myself, but its the most effective way to tackle this and to make this a better experience for u. After all you are the head of the snake and u have all the power. Do not. Forget it. Most of us real fans would bend to your will so fast. U simply need to own it and believe that you deserve it. Which you absolutely do. Speaking from nothing but experience as a barb for more than 10 years, and someone who had a fanpage was friends with big fan pages and knew the owners personally and a recovering chronically online member of many fandoms. Trying to drastically limit my online time but id do anything to even attempt make u happier and try to be of help

Hello very much :)

I thought about making a video on this topic but I decided to just write it out in a post instead. Either way, I'd like to speak a bit more specifically about a drunk rant I made on a separate account the other day that was not as well put together as I'd like to stand as my viewpoints on the subject.

tl:dr, I just feel as though there's a lack of sincerity in the world these days. I speak from personal experience as an artist putting things out into the world, yes, but also as a human being interacting with other human beings on the regular, and I have had my sentiments echoed by many other friends of mine over the past year or so, both artists and non-artists alike. Most of this will be framed through the consumption of art, because that's my own personal passion in this life of mine, but also the way we interface with each other and process the world around us. Now, don't get me wrong, I love to laugh. I love a good joke, and I love lightheartedness as much as the next person. But I saw someone this morning put it very succinctly in response to my rant, something along the lines of "don't let the joke about it overtake the source material." It feels as though it's a common occurrence these days to take a pinch of something with a lot more weight to it, often a humorous bit, and then run with it. Everyone then gathers around the pinch to ooh and ahh and consume it as a whole. Context is immediately lost, the legacy of that body of work becomes its own caricature, and anyone discovering that body of work via said caricature may forgo a piece of art they would otherwise love because "there's nothing there". And don't think this is me griping at those making jokes at the expense of my art. I make jokes about my own art. But when the joke dies, yet continues to grow, and spread, and finds its way back to me both on the internet and off for months (or, God forbid, years) to come, I can't help but say to myself; what the fuck is happening. Artists have fled the public and all their outlets for personality and expression outside the medium because they feel ridiculed. It's not even just their art. Katya comes to mind, speaking on how she went on youtube live a few years back in literal tears talking about police brutality and the injustices marginalized communities were facing at the hands of the government. Meanwhile, the entire comment section "yass" and "mother"ed her in barrages, not paying attention to anything she had to say. I get asked about when I'm dropping Preacher's Daughter vinyl en masse in response to my Palestine fundraiser links. It's everywhere and it's inescapable. No one can be serious for even two seconds.

This may all sound obnoxious; so be it. I tie strings from this central problem to many other complaints I have heard repeated ad nauseam the past few years. For example; the death of subculture. Goth, punk, whatever, you name it. People who built an underground counterculture movement with a rich history based on a love of art, community, and otherwise misunderstood worldviews and experiences deemed foul or inappropriate. Now we see bits taken from it, the terms and the looks, without any of the meat, spread thin across society as a whole. Words mean nothing anymore. One can rest on history and say they were a part of it when in fact, they did nothing. No appreciation or understanding to be had for the love and passion that built it. No serious interaction with the culture's very real confines and boundaries, just mindless co-opting. This has just as much to do with late stage capitalism as it does with excessive humor in lieu of sincerity, but it's certainly both. Again, this may sound like a silly complaint, but I don't care. The collective ennui we're all experiencing has a very real reason, whether we're ready to acknowledge or not.

In a twisted thread, it's even tied to our lack of care to change the world around us. People cheer on the idea of communism, but who among us is ready to give up the convenience of society as it stands? Amazon prime, doordash, fresh fruit out of season as I saw someone mention in a similar post last week; the marvels of modern technology. Do we really think these things can last in a society that isn't actively destroying the planet? We talk about the idea of something all day long but have very little to do with the actuality of what we're talking about. And don't think I consider myself exempt from this problem. I couldn't even try to claim to be. It seems nearly silly to be complaining, then, about the way people consume the art around them these days as we creep towards what feels like the end of days. But as long as I still draw breath, I must complain.

I miss genuine passion. As an autistic individual, when I'm alone, sometimes I cannot contain myself with how things make me feel. The music I listen to, the video games I play, the books I read. I almost feel the need to run through the house and scream in everyone's face how I'm feeling. It feels good to love intensely. Now, I won't pretend like autistic people haven't been bullied for this since the dawn of time, but there is surely a noticeable lack of passion in everything these days. Everyone can feel it, everyone is talking about it. Everything now is "cringe", or "doing too much", or "not that serious". Actually, it is that serious. Insecurity in one's own deeper feelings may not be a new thing, but a culture that seems to promote this eschewing of them does seem to be a new evil. The tone of the internet has completely shifted. I spent most of my time here when I first discovered it a little over a decade ago on Zelda forums and other chat-based websites, talking about how much I loved whatever fandom I was in at the time and having genuine and memorable interactions with like-minded individuals who felt the same way I do. Now, you have two options; if you hate media, you rip it to shreds, and if you love it, you word-salad it to death and parrot a joke about it that someone else said. I'm not saying people don't still talk seriously in a heartfelt way about the things they love, but it does not seem to be the initial reaction anymore. Do I have a solution to this problem? Of course not. I'm a 26 year old girl posting on a tumblr blog. If I had a solution, this is not where I would be dropping it. But conversation is God to man, and I believe in the ability to change things from the inside out. We make the rules, and we can change them.

Before I go, I'd like to just clarify that I am very grateful for my career, grateful to anyone who has ever given me and my art the time of day, grateful to anyone who has ever come up to me and connected with me over my work, and grateful for a life where someone making too many jokes is the worst part of my day. I do not think I am better nor smarter than anyone on or off the internet. I am simply a girl with big feelings and I enjoy talking about them with other people with big feelings, and it makes me sad when something avoidable or unnecessary gets in the way of that.

All in all, I love to love, and I love all of you, I love my life, I love this record, and mi amore vo- i mean.... oh, whatever.

(Feel free to sound off in the comments and please be nice to each other)

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

its really hard not to get angry sometimes

i know im a full time college student so doing classwork and networking and whatnot is my job. but like i have two jobs, and im taking 16 hours of classes, and one of my professors is the worst.

this man told me he wouldnt excuse any absences for a surgery i was supposed to have this wednesday. but since i had sepsis and could have died i GUESS i can have that excused.

im on a very liberal campus. and i am a very liberal myself. but jesus christ i'm starting to get why disability gets denied so often and why nobody believes me when i seek help.

im sure some of it is just my anger spilling over, and i feel the need to get angry at people with less severe symptoms than me, but there are also just so many people here who don't have what they claim they have.

you would think as people studying mental health and illness and the brain you would know that not having any sensory or social issues prior to college means you dont qualify for an autism diagnosis. but that just slips right over so many people's heads.

im not even kidding, i had someone tell me that because im diagnosed autistic that i cant make autism jokes because it isnt fair to the people who self diagnose.

it isnt fair to some of the people who take the resources i need and delegitamize my illness.

ok!

and ofc not everyone who self diagnoses is wrong. i mean i cannot tell you the amount of people i know who suspected autism, saved up their money, and bam, autism diagnosis. Even those who can't go get a diagnosis are often correct, they have the symptoms!

but these people literally cannot stop themselves from divulging information about their pasts that proves they just have ADHD and social issues.

if you take psych classes in college people will trauma dump. its inevitable. but to trauma dump, give us a full look at you and the issues you've had, then claim a disability you don't have the symptoms of makes me upset.

i think its hard for me too because i want to pretend that autism is becoming more socially acceptable but it really isnt. the idea of "quirky childlike autism bean" is becoming popular. i miss a lot of social cues, and sometimes i say things that are not appropriate because i misread the room. accepting autism would be like my friends who explain to me why what i said isnt appropriate and help me understand nuance. accepting autism is understanding that i cant go to every social event we plan because i cant handle new people, so you plan events just for us.

it isnt people who coddle my destructive symptoms and let me get away with stuff because "well you have autism."

no autism isnt an excuse you can use for stalking someone. (yes someone tried this excuse after i reported them to administration for threats/harassment)

its not an excuse you can use for why you dont do chores or help around the apartment. (seen this one on our college yikyak)

its not a badge of honor that grants you access to some secret club.

its got perks but its got a ton of downsides. i have to consciously manage my symptoms daily. and its exhausting! but thats what its like to have something like this.

i dont wanna devalue other people's experiences, and i really just want to know why people think its so cool to be disabled. i guess i just wish i could be them. that i could have something mild or not at all and just get to claim the title and manage a couple symptoms.

but that wasnt what i got.

i think everyone who suspects a disability of sorts deserves recognition and the access to doctors who can help them for cheap or free.

even if you dont have what you think you do, you might have something else. or maybe you are even atypical!

i just get upset because i had to jump through all of these hoops and have so many people treat me different just because of some words on paper that i had to pay for. i mean seriously testing is expensive and its all for what? a piece of paper that says i cant make eye contact or handle loud sounds (/s)?

that i had to be so uncomfortable and treated so badly to find out thats whats wrong with me.

and some people just dont have to go through that.

im angry that i did and they didnt.

but thats life. its different for everyone. and i know that. i just wish i didnt get so angry sometimes.

[thedevilandhisbride]

White people don't need a positivity post like what alternate universe are you living in

everybody needs positivity in their life, especially over things they cannot control like race. i assume you havent read the other stuff ive posted about this, so let me just explain:

race is a morally neutral thing. nobody, and i mean nobody, should be attacked, put down, or shamed for their race.

now, this is not to say that black and brown people do not experience much much MUCH worse racism than white people. i would never say that, and to imply such a thing is historically and horrifically untrue.

what i am saying is that in the fight for racial equality, people (online and offline) have turned to putting down white people to lift themselves up. historically, yes! white people have been the oppressors, and i dont disagree that they are now, but blaming an entire race and calling the entire race of people names doesnt help anyone.

on top of this, being "white" is a very large category. according to the wikipedia page on "Caucasian Race" (which, is a whole other racist issue), white people (typically) come from "all or parts of Europe, Western Asia, Central Asia, South Asia, North Africa, and the Horn of Africa." according to that source, that is 152 countries, to be exact. according to The Global Economy, the average population size of a country in 2022, based on 196 countries, was 40.31 million people.

now, ive seen and experienced racism my entire life. ive been told that its my fault for slavery because i have white skin. ive been thrown around and mocked relentlessly for having white skin. when i was in the church, i prayed every night and every day, and everytime i went to church and asked to be blessed, i begged endlessly to look more like my hispanic dad. to maybe even be able to tan. to not be white. because where i grew up, i was the only white kid. my mom grew up there too, and so did my dad, and my brother, and my sister. i was barely 5 years old when i realized that everyone at my neighbor's quinceañera didnt want to be around me because i was white, despite them literally being there and meeting me when i was born. when my brother was born. knowing my dad and his family their entire life.

i know intimately well that this is not a common experience, and it never will be. but i also know, intimately well, that everytime i heard one of my black friends after i moved states tell me they wish they were white, or light skinned, i didnt understand why they would want to be white. i hated being white. being white could very easily turn into my death where i grew up. but i understood their want, their sad want to be like everyone around them, even if it meant hating themselves for something they couldnt change.

my experience is not universal, and i bet its even a rare one. does that mean i dont deserve positivity? do i not deserve to be told i am allowed to love myself for things i cannot change? we do this with gender, sexuality, disability, and so much more. we do this with race too, but for everyone but white people.

i think there should be an equal amount of positivity for everybody of every race.

i am not in the wrong for thinking that white people deserve some positivity.

the whole should not be at blame for the individal.

and i say all of this as someone who is mixed, and HAS experienced racism for being hispanic, on top of racism for being white.

everyones experiences deserve to be heard. shutting down anyones voices on the topic of experiencing racism of all things, is a straight shot to shutting down EVERYONES voices about experiencing racism.

(small edit, added a link i missed regarding the global economy website!)

[pinkhutia]

Okay to go with every other terf version transphobe tonight I want the justifcation for your content vs trans people? The actual factual justification, you want to sound educated well then explain to me in factual honesty how can you justify your transphobia and content ethically? I'll take silence on this the same as the other two.

i said this in the tags of my reblog but ill reiterate here that i am a believer in dialogue and therefore dont like to shut down discussion when it seems to bear potential. i engage with ideas that i don’t anticipate myself to agree with, and try to keep an open mind. i used to be very liberal with gender ideology but have since shifted away from that. im very sorry that i wont provide sources like i enjoy doing because it takes an effort to make so comprehensive a post that i dont have the energy for (it’s late evening in my timezone)

for starters, “transphobia” is a… well i’ll say it’s an odd term to throw around. i certainly dont hate trans people, though i may express frustration with some of their ideology at times. i use the pronouns people ask me to use because i fundamentally believe in respect for people and their humanity, which contains nuances i may not always personally grasp. i empathize deeply with the struggles that many trans people report

my opposition to “gender ideology” (which i admit is a term radfems and conservatives alike tend to throw around without a clearly consolidated definition) stems from an acknowledgement of the material reality of sex-based oppression. it is the sole quality that unifies the experiences of women worldwide. womens’ expression of gender is not the source of universal female oppression because gender varies so much from culture to culture and from woman to woman

in my time being very pro-trans—which had been practically since i became politically conscious—i was presented with and espoused what was basically the idea of a “gender essence” that people had, which determined their identification with a gender identity. however, since becoming interested in feminist theory, that idea became clearly “problematic” (for lack of a better word) in its perpetration to traditional gender roles which assign “feminine traits” to xx chromosomes and is used to justify women’s oppression. “gender” since time immemorial has been used to tie an immaterial dimension to sex that solidifies spiritual and ideological misogyny. it dissociates women from their material state as humans

there is something very attractive about the promise of gender-fluidity. we can be men one day and women the next, whenever we feel associated with one side or the other. but this is a denial of the historical reality of sex and the material present for so many worldwide. women do not “feel” female, by and large, they simply accept it as a layer of their existence, in the same way i am latina and cannot deny it. “latina” identity may be very nuanced, and i may agree with people who reject the label, but it is an immutable facet of my being that has real implications

i detest gender. i detest the expectations of it, the roles i am forced into by it, and i wish to abolish it. but that does not entail a dismissal of sex, for, just like any other variable dimension of biology, it has implications on my existence. to deny it would be escapist and counter-productive

i realize many trans rights activists wish for the abolition of gender as well (i used to be one, after all). i disagree with their approach to gender abolition, which seems contradictory to me, but i can still discuss that with them as it’s clear so many of us share a common goal

there is much more i could say concerning the material implications of “gender ideology,” especially concerning the predatory nature of “big pharma” (as it’s so lovingly called) toward transgender people. however, like i said, it’s 10pm and im sure youve heard the arguments. i hope this makes sense and familiarizes you with sincere gender criticism, which is truly more nuanced than so many seem to think

[neverbethat]

An angel that protects me and possesses me to be better, gracious, careful, conscientious, and observant. An angel that has possessed me and only goes dormant when i myself am doing well. 

Like i am the alien and she is the angel and i feel like a ghost because i am a primarily metaphysical human, explaining the dissociation which is also explained by my trauma which also logically explains all this shit

“Logic” to me is just the thought process i assume humans to have. I am smart so i picked up on it and i can have an average conversation while hiding that im simultaneously watching their soul crawl out of their throat and wiggle at me. I can be very analytical by their standards and say yes this resulted from trauma, yes it is delusional. But as humans could never fully grasp what experience, they will have to receive a less honest version of myself. I do not entirely believe that i am delusional, but i have this existential dread that causes me to worry if i really am just mistaken, if im just uniquely fucked in the head and im kidding myself

I dont think im necessarily very smart, but i know that im smarter than i think i am by the observations ive made since i was a child and by people telling me so. But i think people are just surprised by the way i can understand things. I cant articulate myself properly, and ive never actually been outstanding in school, maybe sometimes one among many with decent grades but never excelling to the point that people seem to want me to believe i am. Maybe it is pity, maybe it is self righteousness. I dont understand the point of telling someone something that isnt true, and still i get the urge to do somyself

Maybe human life isnt about what is true or real or and maybe whether or not something is “supposed” to happen makes  no difference at all, because who is to say what is supposed to be? The government? The church? My parents? All of these people i vehemently disrespect and distrust? That is who we count on?

Part of me believes that when i die, nothing else will happen and i will be dead forever. There are many things that bring me to question this idea, like our apparent loneliness in this universe, the unmistakable call of beings from beyond this realm… i sometimes get to questioning everything this way. Like, if me being forced to take meds makes me simultaneously sick/unmoving and horribly depressed and the only “good” effect is a lack of “hallucinations and delusions” - you know, what am i supposed to make of that? If i have the capability to be perfectly happy off of medication?

And i saw something i resonated with today. The whole treat the symptom and not the disorder thing. Or the so called disorder. I feel like having my diagnoses lifted off of my shoulders would change the world for me. So often i pretend i was never diagnosed. Pretending i was never diagnosed and that everything i feel is normal has been a great comfort to me. I occasionally indulge because if i show too much denial they throw me in a fucking loony bin. It sounds dystopian when i put it this way

Okay, so what? I dont understand why its so important to label me with a sickness, why the sickness is more important than the fact that i am legitimately audibly communicating with spirits and interdimensional creatures (one in the same on some level) and why is it so hard to believe when psychic shops line the streets of urban areas and suburban areas alike, when its so common in history to have mediums, psychics, ghost stories, alien abductions, etc. of course these things are hard to believe for people who cannot experience them, but certainly im not alone. I could google a zillion anecdotes about the exact things that get me put on brain atrophying sedatives. Angel encounters and possessions, alien abductions and spiritual connections with aliens, being undead as a human spiritually, ghost encounters. Almost everyone you meet has a ghost encounter. Why am i different? Im hardly even fixated on it. Im not really different than these people. 

Sure the dissociation/ptsd and mood swings are a problem but imstarting to have a hard time understanding why any of my other diagnoses are relevant.

[uzumak1s]

Its so sad when i want to find and love a good man but i cant even trust in my owm brothers anymore.

It pains me to no end. How can they think and say such cruel things? Without a care in the world.

I just want somebody whos kind and sweet and doesnt hate women as a whole. This underlying disdain for women and anything feminine and anyone in defense of women. This filth of a realization that even these men who were birthed from the most incredible woman who has faced unspeakable things in her lifetime and has sacrificed everything for them; that even they think to speak of women in such an ugly and saddening way.

I cant do it. Call me weak and a coward but i cannot sit down with someone and explain to them why they should care about other people and treat everyone with kindness. When did it become desirable to be a bad person? When did it happen; the moment when people lost all sense of community and manners and understanding and, rather, turned to arrogance and ignorance and hate.

It makes me sick and its too much sometimes. And i always have to remind myself: theyre my brothers and i really love them and theyre troubled and theyre going through a rough time and theyve made some unpleasant experiences in the past.

But its not always easy and i just want to cry and i just want them to magically see women in a kind light again and i just want them to see through my eyes too, or at least try to.

They dont see what theyre doing to those around them. They cant see what theyve made themselves turn into and they dont want to see what theyve also put me through.

Because i always appreciate them and what they do for me and i have understanding for their hardships and pains. Even when they dont talk about them.

So why is it that none of the things that have happened in the past years, none of the things which make it so hard to live with them, none of the work i have put in from a much younger age, none of the things ive had to understand, none of the ways in which i have tried to be perfect to make up for their struggles, none of their emotional unstableness, none of their aggression, none of my repression and reclusion in turn, none of my pain is met with understanding.

And that can be fine. But then they go ahead with their misogynistic mindsets and it makes me feel sick and panicked. Like theres no hope. And theres no love left in the world and maybe im too late and ive missed my chance.

Because i cant put up with that for the rest of my life. And i want forever. I want it so bad. I want that someones so bad and im waiting for them and when i see them i want to take a breath and turn around and ask them where they have been all my life.

Dear god. Tell me now if im a fool. Tell me now so i can rest assured.

Or dont tell me. Dont tell me because through all of that i still retain hope. A little sliver of it. And ill keep it close to my heart and try to remember it in times like this.

[problematicfactive]

Look what I got (there's no way I can image ID all of this, I'm sorry)

My name, as well as the name of the person I explained faitive to has been censored.

Here are direct receipts of what happened. It's still on the server so you can see for yourself

So that's the literal action of what got me banned

Here's what they said about me after I left. Inactive 4 now is the person who wrote the manipulative little vent that I dissected here

My pronouns don't have anything to do with the situation, they're just reaching for shit to make fun of me for now

I use my name and an icon of myself because those are the only things that ground me as a person. I dont enjoy or have any sort of connection to killing people, I dont lay in my bed and think about it and smile. But having a name and an apicture of myself makes me feel like a real person. It does make my smile. My bot makes me happy every time I see it.

"Kin hate" implyong they dont even know what the fuck thyre doing

By this servers definitions, nobody should be allowed to use a proxy bot. The point of a bot is to showcase yourself as who you are. You don't have to use your own face as a faceclaim or use your own name, but many chose to.

If you cannot use your bot to showcase yourself, there is no point in having it. And another person's triggers are not your responsibility. For the victims and their families, yes, but these people don't give a shit about the victims and their families, they aren't mentioned once. But if you're triggered over a picture of Disney actor Ross Lynch and a name that an estimated 1,150,000 people in the US ALONE have, that is your issue.

To say if your name or pfp makes someone uncomfortable you SHOULD have to change it is the most shitty entitled mess I've ever heard in my life bro.

We're auditioning for a character named Nathan. Nathan is a trigger word for oneof the hosts exes because he had a really really horrible experience with a guy with that name. I'm so, genuinely sorry it happened, but I am not going to demand the characters name be changed became it makes someone uncomfortable.

We have cynohobia. I'm not affected and actually really like dogs, but imagery of dogs make the whole really uncomfortable. We don't ask people to change their dog alter pfp, we just don't interact with them.

I'm also really interested in the "being interested in a story (is not equal to) needing to have an entire fictive/factive" what they're saying seems to be that its fine to enjoy the story of the person for the fun of it, but not fine to gain a factive of it, meaning they believe you can chose who you do and don't introject, which is interesting to me as this was a truamagenic only space. Especially because they "understand having fixated and spliting" because introjects only form from hyperfixations, not truama.

Their rules were not changed and so nowhere in their server does it say problematic factives are not allowed and you can see easily where they broke their own rules

(I dont have enough room to show a picture but it's a public server just join if you wanna see)

And, yk, unrelated, but since you wanna jab at my pronouns, these are your roles.

N knee Wayz I'm in that server on my alt now if you wanna join n chat (alts are against the rules but I think the rules are just for show)

"Our goal is to make each and every system feel welcomed"

I just got kicked from a server for existing lmao

"Our goal is to make each and every system feel welcomed"

Here's what went down :)

I joined and said "hey there" I proxied and engaged in the beginnings of a little conversation with someone

Someone else responds to my message and asks if I am a factive on insert person

I explain that im technically a faitive, explain to someone who was confused what a faitive is. I clarify my connection to source and don't get a response from the person who was asked.

My boyfriend has a bot on discord as well and I like for him the be able to use it so I clarify that there's another one of us and I need to know if that's not okay. After a little, someone responds "Yes, get help." And I'm BANNED

IN A SERVER FOR TRUAMAGENIC SYSTEMS ONLY LMFAO THIS IS THE TRUAMA RESPONCE

They did not have a rule against problematic factives and they did have a rule saying not to hate and judge people on their source. Here's what they said after I was banned

I censored my name, sorry.

"Our goal is to make each and every system feel welcomed"

[nash-21]

Manisha? Or should I call her mine?

okay so here am I again. Its been a roller coaster ride for few days now. Its about her again as I am going to rant and rant about her for few days now...reason?..I think something is wrong..I don't know what but something is. I feel this after 3 yrs.. I met a lot and lot of girl but this feeling has not been for a single one of them. She is different.. Have been talking to her for a while and the feel i get from her is different.

She finished her exam and msged me. I was furious on her as she was acting wired all these days..No doubt she is a topper and toppers do like this that they dont keep anyone in-front of their studies but I felt I am different and can be close to her. I was continuously talking to myself all these days about how I am not going to talk to her even if she msges me because It was a complete disrespect for me and I don't talk to people who do not respect me. I have only 1 problem if she had any problem she could have atleast told me that she is busy with studies I couldn't have even disturb her a bit. I snapped at her a little when she came back as I didn't wanted to talk to her but she understood my anger and explained me. See nowadays I have been like "I dont want any explanation" but she calmly made me understand which I loved about her. I have been into a very bad position in my life were I was totally alone and handle myself all by my own. Mom,dad,sister all were their but personal problems cannot be shared with them as they will never understand.

Eventually when she explained me I was its fine she alteast accepted her fault its better to stop and start having a convo which is more important than anything else. So we had a good conversation and with that we forgot about the exchanges we had.

Cut to 30th when I went for the trip i realised nothing but a absence of her. I was constantly thinking about what would have happened if she was their with us. I couldn't have left her side for a sec also. It was a awesome trip but she was missing and to make her feel in..I video call her and tryed to make her a part of it. I felt good when she was on call with all of us talking. What if she was their infront of us....OH GODD ALMIGHTY!! thinking about it gives me butterflies. She is a mature girl and emotional instinct. But I always feel she can be a good guide and a person I can rely onto. You know what? I never felt that for someone cause I always feel I have to rely on myself and on my decisions and the consequences will be handled by me only.

So on 31st I hinted her with a developed feeling for her. And acted like I was in the influence of alcohol..she got that i guess so but then she said about someone she likes.I was like fuck..Im not the guy but then I realised she was hinting me. But I didn't go in dept cause it was like something which need special time and space which at that time i didn't had. And also i cannot let her feelings be like "isko toh koi value nai hai". So I didnt go in dept and kept it for some other day and guess what we had this discussion on 3rd of JAN. It was quite a convo we had but at the end its all for nothing I was continuously hurting her and she was crying because she confessed her feelings for me. She said me we dont have a future but I would love to experience love in present. Now I want someone whom I can be with in future. Now looking at the possibility I was skeptical that she wont be their in future why to waste time. But then I also want to experience the immense love she can give as people crave for that. YA I DO AS WELL ;D... but then I told her that I need some time to actually think and to know her well enough so that we'll be smooth for the yrs to come. And you know what? AS EXPECTED she understood. SHE GETS ME... No one ever get me so easily like she does. I really want to meet her and the craving for meeting her is going up everyday. When I think about holding her from her back and be close to her and dance something happens to me. This feeling is... what I'll say.. leave it its not explainable. So for her i wrote something which I guess she'll like

here it goes...

The smile and beauty of you is simply breathtaking.Your smile is contagious, spreading joy and happiness to everyone around you. It lights up your entire face, revealing your kind and warm heart. And your beauty is more than just skin deep. It radiates from within, emanating from your positive spirit and inner radiance. Whether you dressed up for a special occasion or simply wearing jeans and a t-shirt, You always look beautiful. you are confident and comfortable in your own skin, and this shines through in your every move. Manisha you are truly a beautiful person, inside and out. The person who gets you will never want you to go as he'll get a gem out of the fake gems in the world.

Thats it :D

-Nash