#and it's sick. fucked up. i hate that mental illness and how it just won't fucking go and at the same time i feel like

[erraticroses]

...........

[inkskinned]

i love my therapist but i hate being in therapy. 10 minutes before my appointment, i'm in a meeting with my boss - we discuss my artistic choices; my boss recommends i artistically choose less. 10 minutes after therapy, i wash my hair and think about everything that was said, and then i have to switch it off, like a lamp, and go back to work again.

i was on a walk the other day and someone had the perfect combination of his cologne and whatever-else. it was almost exactly his scent. i fucking hate that. after all these years, i remember that? i tell my therapist - i feel like a fucking wolf. try telling a middle-aged blonde lady. oh i scented him on the air. i'm 30, and i'm having a panic attack over something that would be a plotline in the omegaverse.

what they don't tell you about mental illness is that if you are lucky enough to survive it into adulthood; it becomes a weird slice of your life. because you do, eventually, have to build a life. i realized in a panic somewhere around 22 - oh. i don't know what i'm fucking doing, because i always assumed i'd just go ahead and die. i didn't die, and i'm grateful for that, and i'm very happy about that choice. but it does mean that i am an adult in an apartment, living with my conditions side-by-side like. oh, that's my roommate, adhd. ignore the glass, bytheway, that's ocd.

so you pick your stupid life up by the scruff of the neck and you're, like glad for it (so much laughter and light and friends you would have never thought possible, when you were in the worst of it). but it feels so strange to be dancing around these odd little microcosms, these patchwork moments of your symptoms. if you have a panic attack at night, you still need to wake up and walk the dog in the morning. if your depression is making everything boring, well, you don't have any sick days left, and a job's not really supposed to be that exciting anyway. your ocd tears out each individual leg hair, and then, an hour later, you sigh, patch up the bloody bits, and go get dinner with friends. and the life is kitten-quiet, mewling and pathetic, but it's also like - it's yours, so you're fond of it.

and it's like - you're real. so you still enjoy pushing the shopping cart really fast and then riding on the back of it down an empty aisle. and you're not, like, so sick anymore that when you accidentally drop a mug you burst into tears (except for the days you do that. which are bad). and no, you're not allowed around certain items anymore. oops! but you've learned to be good about brushing your teeth most days of the week. and yeah sometimes in the middle of the day you have a little freak-out about how fucking unfair it all is, how fucking hard, how other people can just do this without having to fucking hurt the whole time. and then you sigh and force yourself to sit down and fucking journal about it so you can tell the nice middle-aged blonde woman yeah i had a hard day but i practiced grounding. you still sometimes want to burst out of your own skin, but you force yourself to eat kind-of healthy and to take your vitamins. you let yourself chop off all your hair in the sink in a dramatic poetry of control and relief - and you also have developed good hobbies that help you move your body more frequently. you feel helplessly behind, lost in the shuffle - but you also practice gratitude, taking stock of what you have garnered. because you're trying. even if you're never gonna be normal, you have something... close enough.

and the little kitten of your life, this mangy, starlit tigercub, this thing you expected to rot so young: in your arms, it turns itself over, belly-up. exposing this new soft part, all the organs and guts. like it's saying i trust you now. you won't give me up.

[powerpolyculeshowdown]

A vent about the poll runner that got doxxed:

I was originally going to reblog the post, as many people have - and I don't blame anyone for doing so, it's something people will want to spread awareness about, especially among other poll runners, because the stakes just got a lot higher. It's not just worrying about mean and hateful people in your inbox or your notes - which can be extremely harmful on its own and has led some mods to abandon their polls - but it adds a new layer of concern.

doxxing is very serious, it comes with it's own mess of fears to the victim: there's the same psychological harm you might get from the hate, but also a physical danger, because letting someone know you have their address is a threat. It's a very clear and serious threat, even if you don't say you'll do anything. It can be traumatizing, a lot of us are already neurodivergent and/or mentally ill in ways something like that can cause more harm than it would to a mentally healthy/neurotypical person, and those would probably be heavily affected by it as well. If you struggle with paranoia as a symptom of anything, or just very high anxiety, this could change your life drastically. If you don't struggle with those, you might start to. I don't know what kind of sick fuck would doxx someone without knowing how awful their action is, but on the off chance there's people out there that would do it and somehow don't realize the gravity, please have some compassion. You don't even need empathy, you just need common sense. Think critically about how you're going to hurt that person. Hurt people around them. Why do you want to do that?

In the end I decided against reblogging the original post. I don't know OP, i don't know how they're feeling right now, I can only hope they're as okay as they can be, and they're safe. But I know that in their place I wouldn't want notifications reminding me of the whole thing. I know you can turn those off, but I felt more comfortable not reblogging it. I also won't say who the victim is, I don't feel comfortable exposing them like that, but there's lots of other poll runners reblogging it* and you might find out through them.

*to clarify, i'm not trying to claim me not reblogging it is somehow the "morally correct choice". its not a matter of what's correct, it's just a personal choice. In fact, i'm thankful that people are reblogging it because I was made aware of the danger, as I didn't follow op. There's pros and cons to either decision, mine was to not reblog.

And not to make this about myself, that's really not my intention, but i'm fucking terrified after reading that. I haven't given up on the poll, but I might need some time to recover because i'm not exactly the most stable person and shit like this rlly messes me up. I hope you can all understand if the round one polls don't come out on sunday. I won't apologize if they don't, cause i think this is a pretty good reason to need a break.

Once again, I hope the mod for that poll is safe, and i hope they can recover from this soon.

[yanny-77]

20 Questions for Writers tag game!

Thank you for the tag @witch-and-her-witcher! I have been waiting to get tagged in this one!!!!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 19!! 13 of them have been updated in 2024. I've been busy!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 377,473 words

3. What fandoms do you write for? I have works for A Court of Thorns and Roses, Crescent City, and Throne of Glass, but these days, I primarily write for Fourth Wing

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? - The Underpants Heist: 332 - Sweet Waters of Spring: 236 - I Don't Feel Safe With You Anymore: 153 - A Tragedy of Fawns and Fate: 134 - Dear Brennan: 116 - Me, You, and My Roommate: 86 (honorable mention since SWOS is no longer available on AO3)

5. Do you respond to comments? Yes! It might not be right away but I will respond to them. Seriously comments make my day and I read them over and over again before I respond. I went through a period after I got sick where I didn't respond to comments and this is one of my only fandom regrets.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I Don't Feel Safe With You Anymore is my Post-Iron Flame Xaden POV fic. The ending is ambiguous and neither option is happy.

Honorable mention to my ToG Epilogue: The Ice King & The Witch Queen

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? You, Me, and My Roommate is a threesome based on HOSAB where everyone finishes. I'd say that's a happy ending.

Honorable Mention: Tell Me a Secret, a cute Bodhi/Ridoc one shot

8. Do you get hate on fics? My SJM fics got hate on the r/acotar subreddit and now I don't go there anymore. Never on AO3 or tumblr

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I do write smut! I primarily write M/M smut but I also write M/M/F threesomes and M/F smut. I am open to other combinations too, if the right story strikes. I usually write Porn with Plot rather than just smut for the sake of smut so I need compelling ideas first.

I'm most proud of the smut in Pink Pony Club. It's Fourth Wing fic but @suebswrites requested that I make it like the Court of Nightmares scene from ACOMAF

10. Do you write crossovers? Yes. I have two fics with Crescent City/ACOTAR crossovers and I am planning a crossover for The Empyrean and All For the Game thanks to @hoeelliexx. I just can't start it until I finish TUH.

A Day to Remember: Flynn x Gwyn A Tragedy of Fawns and Fate: Flynn's Dad x Elain

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Nope

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? I am not cool enough for that ahahaha

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? YES. I love co-writing. I've co-written with @suebswrites and @korrinamoe

Dear Brennan Garrick's Snorkel The Moment I Knew

14. What is your all-time favorite ship? Either Azris or Bodoc...Or Tristan Flynn x Me.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? A Tragedy of Fawns and Fate. I recently revived this fic and published five new chapters so it's not impossible, but I won't make any promises. There's a lot of baggage with this fic because I was very sick while writing it and went through a very difficult time mentally as I struggled to cope with chronic illness. It just brings up a lot of feelings when I work on it

16. What are your writing strengths? I get comments on my dialogue and authenticity and those are both things that I'm really proud of in my writing.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I get caught up in the dialogue and actions and forget to set the scene. I think this is because I don't need a lot fo details to generate a vivid image in my head so it's not a priority when I write. I think people are seeing what I'm seeing until my betas say "Hold up? Where the fuck are they right now?"

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I only read English so it can be difficult for me to follow fics with large amounts of untranslated dialogue. This is 100% a me problem though. I took Spanish for eight years and the best I can do is "Más cerveza por favor" and "¿Dónde está el baño?" I don't even drink so that first one is completely useless to me.

That being said, if you include context clues or translations for me, I'm golden. It can be a really fun way to add characterization to fics.

19. First fandom you wrote for? ACOTAR. I've written fics in my head before but it wasn't until I read ACOTAR that I started writing them down. I think I first published in 2022?

20. Favorite fic you��ve written?

Pink Pony Club. If you only read one of my fics, let it be this one. I put my entire heart into this one and I'm so stinking proud of it. This fic features Drag Queen Bodhi Durran and his journey to self-acceptance.

---

Tagging: @sarahydeart @alltoowellread @suebswrites @hoeelliexx @sarcasticmothwrites

[theygender]

Been going through it for over a month now and let me tell you. I'm not having a good time

Early-mid July a heat wave knocked out our AC and me, my partner, and the cats were stuck in an apartment with temps in the high 80s for about two days

I got some minor heat sickness and my cat started coughing

Heat sickness kicked off my IBS which dehydrated me and eventually led to migraines which all lasted for over a week after the heat wave ended

Took my cat to the vet (while still dealing with sickness + migraines) and found out she probably has asthma which was set off by the heat. They gave her a steroid shot

Went to the doctor for my own sickness and decided to ask about my severely ingrown toenail at the same time. I'm told I need toe surgery

Got toe surgery the very next day and it turns out recovering from toe surgery sucks

Cat has stopped coughing but is instead having intense sneezing fits now and pawing at her nose constantly, clearly much sicker

Took her back to the vet (while still recovering from toe surgery) and learned that cats just inherently have dormant hepatitis, and stressful situations/other illnesses can cause a flare up which leads to an upper respiratory infection

They prescribe nose drops + medicine treats for me to give to her 3-4 times a day. Surprisingly (/s), she hates the nose drops

File claims for both of those appointments + tests + medicine with my pet insurance

Endometriosis sees me dealing with all this and as a disorder that's made worse with stress it decides to join in on the action. It resurrects my period from the grave that my meds dug for it over two years ago

In case that wasn't bad enough, it also gives me a yeast infection. I go to the doctor and get medicine for it

As soon as the yeast infection symptoms start to go away they're replaced with what seems to be UTI symptoms. UTIs generally devolve very quickly into non-stop vomiting for me. I'm living in fear until I can get a test done

(UPDATE: The tests don't work when you're on your period apparently. Guess I gotta go back to the doctor again before I can get any answers)

I haven't even looked at the bills for my own medical tests or the toe surgery yet and frankly I'm scared to. At least I should be getting some money back from my pet insurance claim

Pet insurance tells me that they won't pay out my claim until I provide proof that the pet insurance policy I had with a previous company over FIVE YEARS AGO was canceled. I don't keep records longer than five years. I don't even remember the name of the company

All of my coworkers got laid off last week so I'm sad and lonely at work now and I have to adjust to a new work environment during all of this and I can't really take much time off anymore

I'm still sick and worried I'll get sicker but I don't know how to ask my new boss "hey what should I do if I hypothetically start projectile vomiting tomorrow" without it sounding suspicious

With all this other stuff going on, my college semester also started back up TODAY

I got a notification from my school that I have over $5000 due bc the company that pays for my tuition as part of my employee benefits just. Didn't pay off my spring semester it seems. So now I gotta figure that out

Somewhere in the middle of this I had some sort of mental breakdown and discovered that my normal-level nervous anxiety has evolved into critical-level constant terror anxiety

Reached out to my mom who had anxiety so bad when my brother and I were growing up that it played a large part in ruining our childhoods. She confirmed that it sounds like what she has

It started when she was just a few years older than me and she still has it at the age of 55. Normal anxiety meds don't work for it. I may have to convince my psychiatrist to prescribe me narcotics now if I ever want to go back to normal again

This has all been so much. Like can I PLEASE just get a fucking break here 😭

[glamorousnightmares]

TW: g0re art, f3t1ish art, mental illness

Hello everyone, it's been a while since I've made a sincere post and really been on here. I apologize to my online friends who I feel like I've abandoned, my irl life has gotten quite busy.

It's taken me too long to make a post about this but I think it's time to finally face my fear and admit to somethings I never even wanted to think about again. No one made any callouts or did anything to scare me into this, I just want to rid myself of feeling so guilty about the things I've done. It isn't easy to come on here and talk about it, but I need to address what I've done so that I won't hide it any longer than I have. All of everything i talk about is public and I'm mixed on if i will take it down just so I can be reminded of who I was before and to never, ever return to anything like it again.

A few years back, 2021 I think, I got on Tumblr for the very first time. I was not ready for anything like this and I should have waited until I got right in the head space to get on a platform like this. Before then, I had a discord, which I spewed so many words I no longer agree with or stand by. I have changed and grown over the years, almost a new person but with the scars of my past always leaning over me. I didn't fully understand what I was talking about or what I said. To be clear, it wasn't a slur or something, it was a really shitty take on something I thought was right but now I see is severly fucked up. I no longer stand by what i said. I won't get into the details, but if you want them just dm me and ask. If nothing else, this is a callout to myself and who I was before.

Now the worst part and what still haunts me to this day. (To preface, this is where the tw starts, tread carefully.) When I first got my tumblr, I didn't know the dangers of the internet fully. I didn't think about any actions I did, I just wanted to be seen. I will be blunt, I reblogged g0re art and f3tish gore art because of multiple reasons. (None of which are right don't get me wrong)

1. I was not and will never EVER be attracted to anything like that, it was NOT a f3t1sh thing, my brain was just attached to it because of some fucked up things of my past. I won't get specific, that's just what I wanted to see and reblog at the time. I've blocked out a lot of it to be honest, so i don't remember some of why I looked at/ shared such horrible images. Thinking about it now makes me sick and I want nothing more than to bring to light what I've done and seen so that no one will use something like this against me or hurt others with it. It was a sort of "comfort the disturbed, disturb the comforted" type thing.

2. It would shock those I talked to and make me look "insane" and "crazy" so I could be different. I hate those people now and I refuse to ever be like that again, and remembering who I was and how it affected others makes me steer clear of ever even considering being like it again. G0re art and f3t1sh g0re art will never ever be allowed on my blog or anywhere near it again. I wish I could go back and erase all of it, and I have done my best to do so. If you see anything like that, please for the love of God don't interact with it. If you are hurting to the point where you feel as if you need to or are hurting others, please seek help. You are not alone and there is always a brighter day. If you are thinking about doing anything like what any of those pictures showed, please tell someone close to you and do not hurt yourself or anyone around you. Someone will always listen and cares about you, I promise.

Another thing was the way I treated others back then was shitty, and while I had so much fun with everyone that I met, talked to, or just had a few interactions with, I hold all of them incredibly close to my heart. I will try to interact on here more and do my best to be a better person with strong morals and the best intentions.

Saying all of this leads me to one thing I should have said more back then; I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was like that and how I treated others. I'm sorry I had to put all of you through that just because of things going on in my own life. You all deserved better and I needed to be better.

Living with what I've done, said, and shown had been tough, I'm not going to lie. I'm not trying to make it a sob story, I'm just being honest. But it was important to who I am today and what it makes me as a person. Was it right? No, it never will be no matter how much I try to justify it. But learning from it and taking away the lessons is more important than anything. I hope this could clear some air and shine light on who I was so that I will never become like that again, hurting others and only showing and being the worst the world has to offer. Making not the world, but at least some corner of it brighter and better than It was will be my main goal now. I no longer want to be hurtful, I want to help those who need it. If there is one thing I will strive for, it is to be better.

With love and high hopes,

-Glam☆

[the-prophesied-disco-gay]

CW frank mental illness breakdown vent. OCD to be specific. Also mention of sick pet and financial issues. If any of that is potentially an issue for you right now, scroll on by friends. Not an ask for money please do not offer.

Two days ago we found our daughters cat on the floor, listless and barely responsive and hypothermic in a warm room. It had been less than 2 hours since we had last been actively interacting with him. We rushed him to the vet and they sent us home with him in critical condition. He was full on in shock, had thrown up all the water he had drank that day and peed out the rest and was massively dehydrated, was hypothermic and seizing.

And we had to go home and....wait.

He made it through the night and has been improving since, though he still won't eat and they still don't know what happened. We scoured this house, no unsecured meds or trash, no houseplants at all because we have cats, no spills of chemicals or cleaning supplies or any of those accessible to the cats. No access to outside. No contact with strangers. This looks like a poisoning of some kind, most likely accidental ingestion of something, but we have no idea what and they haven't figured it out yet either.

He will probably be there a few more days. The entire household is worried sick about him.

I can't afford any of this. I've already paid $400 and we live on $1200 a month. The rest of however much this ends up being will be due before they will release him back to us. We don't have it. Our families don't have it. We are in a poor area of one of the poorest states in the country, no one close to us has it.

And I can't make a crowdfunding campaign.

Because my brain is very very convinced that if I do that he will die.

I *know* this is the OCD. I know how and why this happens. I know several excellent coping strategies. I have medication and my therapist's phone number and even my psychiatrist's number, I could ask for an emergency script for a dose of a stronger med.

None of that is helping. Can't do it. It doesn't seem to matter how much I know this isn't true, isn't based in reality, I cannot make myself do it. I can't ask for meds because that would make me more likely to do it and my current brain, that I am living with in this moment, considers that a catastrophic possibility.

I know higher stressors will elicit more extreme responses from my brain, especially the OCD. I know my coping strategies are good and usually work well. I know why this is happening, but none of that knowing changes the fact that my child will never see their very much beloved pet, who they raised from a kitten, ever again, if I can't sort this out. And that pressure makes it *worse*. Spiraling cycle of knowing I know better, knowing this is a perfectly reasonable thing to happen *to a person with even well managed OCD*, none of that actually helping the actual situation at hand, stress of that adding to fixation strength, repeat.

I couldn't just let him die. And he absolutely would have. He is alive and slowly recovering because we got him there in time. That was, without question, the right choice.

But because my brain was severely damaged by trauma, and my body is now equally damaged and we lost 80% of our income, that choice may have cost my child one of their best friends.

And I had a procedure on my spine the day before all this happened. I pushed more than I should have just doing the drive to the vet, but I didn't care and I don't regret it. But now I'm stuck in bed, managing maybe 20 steps at a time with hours of rest between attempts. So lots of time to sit and. Well. Spiral. The distraction game isn't going well.

I try so hard to be encouraging and positive, but right now I hate my life so fucking much. It hurts so much, all the time. Sometimes, like now, it's past the breaking point. The pieces will settle and I'll put them back together, but right now I am very much broken.

[helpimhopelesslyinlove]

I know its ooc for this acc, but i need to vent, or ill do something stupid and potentially dangerous, so im here, baring my soul to stangers on the internet ive never met irl before-

I think I got too close to the sun becuase I feel like I'm in a free fall rn and I can't get a hold of anything and I know I'm about to hit the ground, hard, buti don't know when or how far the ground still is or if I'm even going to land on spill ground because what if I fall into a bunch of rocks and die or fall into the ocean, I never learned to swim properly, I can BARELY keep myself afloat, and I know I'm going to die anyway from how high up I'm falling but I don't know when it's gonna be and everyone keeps telling me that I've got this all I have to do is open the parachute but the cord isn't working my parachute isn't working I don't know what to do some of the people who are supposed to be here for me are sitting on the ground watching me fall with a smile and a bucket of popcorn, the others who would catch me can't because they're all the way across the world, and I don't know what to do but everyone expects me to, I should have my life figured out already, everyone else my age seems to, why can't I, why am I like this why can't I just fly like everyone else why did my wings have to fail so miserably when my support system is down and will take at least two to three years before they're back up I need help someone send help please I need to talk to someone and I can't bc the people who'd want to can't do anything about it and the people who could help are convinced I can do it myself I hat being the oldest daughter and the oldest cousin, why do I have so many people looking up to me as a role model I'm a terrible role model if anything I'm more of a warning Hazzard don't do that sign why do all the adults keep saying I need to be perfect so my little siblings and cousins have a role model why where was my role model because my parents sure as fuck weren't it and they're always saying they didn't raise a quitter, well no shit they didn't raise me I fucking raised myself I'm at a point where I can't even talk about this out loud without crying I litterally had a three hour anxiety attack+mental breakdown and my parents still think I'm perfectly fine why did I have to move everyone's always telling me to believe in God and I have but if not a single thing I needed went right how do I keep believing I don't feel like the sky or the statues are listening anymore and I'm happy they do listen for others and I'm glad other people have a good relationship with their religions and their parents and people in general becuase I feel like crying whenever my favorite teacher used to say I did a good job at an event or said she was proud of me becuae she's said, word for word, many many times "I know it's not my place to tell you, but your parents won't, I know, so I will tell you- I'm so proud of you" and i- thank you you have no idea how much it means to me, but much as I appreciate it, you're not who I need to hear it from and it makes me cry because my culinary teachers were better parents to me in the one year I knew and had them than my parents were my entire like and I don't think that's okay, or that i should feel like crying evrytime I see my friends or anyone having a good relationship with their parents and I can't take this anymore please save me from school I know I used to complain but I've never actually hated it and now just the thought makes me feel sick and I used to love going to school and learning but now I'd litterally have take prometheus' placement eaten alive by vultures everyday than go to school again please help i can't live through another year and a half of this torture please help I can't do this please

[that-weird-skeleton-bastard]

More psychonauts incorrect quotes?

Ford: You have any sunscreen? Milla: You can't get a sunburn from a bonfire— Ford: It's for my marshmallow ya dummy.

*****

Raz: I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t gotten arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet. Ford: Nat 20 Charisma. Raz: That is NOT how that works-

*****

Lili: I’ve only ever said ‘I love you’ to two people in my entire life: Raz and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Raz.

*****

Ford: How would you like to live forever? bobby: I'd hate it. Shut the fuck up.

*****

Raz: Oh my Sasha . Ford: Don't you mean 'oh my god'? Raz: You worship your god, I'll worship mine.

*****

Lili: Astrology is fun because i can pretend that all of my behaviors are just a result of being a Gemini and not symptoms of mental illness. bobby: Being a Gemini is a mental illness. That’s not hate it’s just a fact.

*****

*Sasha and Ford are texting* Sasha : Who are you? Someone changed the names in my phone. Ford: What did they change my name to? Sasha : Chosen One. Ford: Don’t change it back. Sasha : BUT WHO ARE YOU?!?! Ford: I’m the chosen one.

*****

Ford: A stake to the heart won't kill a vampire if their tits are big enough. Raz: Yeah, you just catch it. Milla: Nah nah nah, deflects it. Stake? Just bounces right off. Done. Back to doing hot girl shit. Sasha : Then I just use a spear instead. Ford: You are trying so hard to kill a vampire with big bazongas, and for what? Why would you do that to the ecosystem?

*****

Ford: So I have made the decision to trust you. Raz: A horrible decision, really.

*****

bobby: Yeah, I don’t like people. Milla: Oh, well now that’s not fair bobby. Have you met all of them? bobby: I’ve met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!

*****

*Raz sneezes* Lili: Raz, are you sick? Here, let me wrap you in a blanket and hand-feed you some warm soup while singing you a lullaby! *Ford sneezes* Lili: Oh my god. Shut the hell up.

*****

Raz, looking at the squad: Okay, so I need to become a therapist faster.

*****

Sasha : What do we say when life disappoints us? Raz: Called it! Sasha : No.

*****

Lili: Why are you like this?? Sasha : I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a kid and I haven't felt a single emotion since.

*****

Sasha : Hello all, it is I, your favorite person. Raz: Actually, Lili is my favourite. Sasha : Okay then, it is I, that bitch.

*****

Milla, teaching Raz to drive: Okay Raz, what does a green light mean? Raz: Go! Milla: A red light? Raz: Stop! Milla: And what about a yellow light? Raz: If you floor it, you can make it! Milla: …No—

*****

Raz: The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable... ...and also assault with a deadly weapon.

*****

Sasha : Today at 7 am, Raz poured a Monster energy drink in their coffee, said "I'm going to die" and drank the whole thing. Ford: I watched Raz brew their coffee with Monster instead of water. Three cups in two hours. I think they ascended into the astral realm. Sasha : The survivability of the human race never fails to amaze me.

*****

Lili: I'm very scary. Ford: You're about as scary as a wet kitten. Lili: Wet kittens are cute, at least I've got that going for me. Ford: And small. Lili: Lili: ...Yeah, yeah. I guess.

*****

Milla: What’s wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone’s throat out. Lili: Fucking Raz and Ford were trying to invoke one of the minor gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their bloody chanting.

*****

Sasha : Helpful grammar tip: “farther” is for physical distance, “further” is for methaphorical distance, and “father” is for emotional distance.

*****

Ford: *gets a text* Oh! It’s Raz. Milla, excitedly: Did they get me the stuff? Ford: Yeah, they say they got you the clown costume, the power drill, and 12 gallons of blood. Milla: Wow! Where’d they find 12 gallons of fake blood? Ford: You wanted fake blood? Milla: Ford: I’ll go call Raz.

*****

Ford: Do you think different paints have different tastes? Raz: They do. Sasha: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

*****

bobby: Anyone d- Raz: Depressed? Ford: Drained? Sasha : Dumb? Lili: Disliked? bobby: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people...

*****

Lili: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

[waitingforwinterwinds]

Game of Thrones - 67 SANSA VI (pages 716-725)

Sansa struggles emotionally and mentally in the aftermath of her father's death. Joffrey stops pretending he's any kind of decent human being.

-

Perhaps I will die too, she told herself, and the thought did not seem so terrible to her. If she flung herself from the window, she could put an end to her suffering, and in the years to come the singers would write songs of her grief. Her body would lie on the stones below, broken and innocent, shaming all those who had betrayed her. Sansa went so far as to cross the bedchamber and throw open the shutters... but then courage left her, and she ran back to her bed, sobbing.

Ummm, holy fuck?

Well there's something the show cut out, but I suppose D&D aren't the kind to let us sit with the grief of a young girl unless it's immediately turning her into some kind of badass.

Poor Sansa. I remember having those kinds of thoughts 'dying would be easy' and 'this will punish them' and 'they'll feel bad about it when I'm gone' but it's bullshit. The kind of people, who hurt others to that point, do not give a fuck what they do to others, don't give a fuck what their actions make others do to themselves. The only people who get hurt or punished by those choices, are the ones who love you. Joffrey and Cersei? Definitely won't feel shamed, just aggravated they've lost a valuable playing piece.

The best revenge, is living (well). It's the living who can make people pay for their crimes.

Once Grand Maester Pycelle came with a box of flasks and bottles, to ask if she was ill. He felt her brow, made her undress, and touched her all over while her bedmaid held her down.

Fuck off and die, both of you. Bad Touch!

Sansa stared at him, seeing him for the first time. He was wearing a padded crimson doublet patterned with lions and a cloth-of-gold cape with a high collar that framed his face. She wondered how she could have ever thought he was handsome. His lips were as soft and red as the worms you found after rain, and his eyes were vain and cruel. "I hate you," she whispered.

Yeah, it's a little hard to see the world through rose tinted glasses when someone splattered them with blood. I'm so sorry you had to have your world view shattered like this. In a fair world, people would have been kind and just and righteous like you always believed. But this isn't a fair world, because GRRM is a sick and twisted man. (joking)

When the time came to dress, she chose the green silk gown that she had worn to the tourney. She recalled how gallant Joff had been to her that night at the feast. Perhaps it would make him remember as well, and treat her more gently.

Yes, good, use what you know, use what you've got. Ihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethis Association, good, now if only he had ever actually been what you thought he was, this would have a good chance of success. Though, the success would still be mild.

This is a good use of defensive manipulation, subtle, using something associated with a better mood, to subconsciously promote a better mood. ... but iirc, that feast ended with Cersei in a row with Bobby B, so... *sigh*

Kinda odd that she refers to him as Joff here though, it may just be a way to separate the idea of him from the reality of him. Like the inverse of what we saw Dany do a few chapters ago, when she tried to psych herself up for cruelty and her narrative voice referred to her as Daenerys, instead of Dany.

"Did he instruct you to hit me if I refuse to come?" "Are you refusing to come, my lady?" The look he gave her was without expression. He did not so much as glance at the bruise her had left her. He did not hate her, Sansa realized; neither did he love her. He felt nothing for her at all. She was only a... a thing to him. "No," she said, rising. She wanted to rage, to hurt him as he'd hurt her, to warn him that when she was queen she would have him exiled if he ever dared strike her again... but she remembered what the Hound had told her, so all she said was, "I shall do whatever His Grace commands."

That has to be so terrifying, to be faced with someone who has such apathy, to know you aren't even seen as human. Her threats wouldn't have held water even if she'd said them, she'd be queen (if the dissolving of the engagement hadn't happened in the future) but queen by marriage, all her power would come from her husband, she'd have no say in anything if he disagreed. Maybe if she had a loyal following within the court, had her own power, but right now her only power comes from the fact Cersei can still use her for political plays, from being a hostage.

But a voice inside her whispered, There are no heroes, and she remembered what Lord Petyr had said to her, here in this very hall. "Life is not a song, sweeting," he'd told her. "You may learn that one day to your sorrow." In life, the monsters win, she told herself, and now it was the Hound's voice she heard, a cold rasp, metal on stone. "Save yourself some pain, girl, and give him what he wants."

Oh, sweetheart.

I hate that she has to experience such an enormous mental reset, but if she doesn't get this sorted away, she's not going to have the wherewithal to get through this.

"You truly are a stupid girl, aren't you? My mother says so." ... "I'll get you with child as soon as you're able," Joffrey said as he escorted her across the practice yard. "If the first one is stupid, I'll chop off your head and marry a smarter wife. -"

Says the boy-king who can't even form his own opinions without his mother spoon feeding them to him, unless it's in the name of unnecessary levels of violence on his behalf.

"Do it, girl," Sandor Clegane told her, pushing her back toward the king. His mouth twitched on the burned side of his face and Sansa could almost hear the rest of it. He'll have you up there no matter what, so give him what he wants.

mmm, and there's the rub. There's where people look and say 'Sansa's a completely passive hostage, she never fought back' like they were paying zero attention.

She's facing an opponent with such a different level of power to her own, she has no way out, no resources, effectively no allies, she has to pick her battles knowing she is always going to lose. Any strike she makes has to be done with delicate precision and any defiance done knowing she will get away with it, because she isn't going to get away with anything. She knows what Joffrey is now, she's beginning to truly understand the kind of situation she's in.

The bamboo bends, so it does not break. (but even bamboo has a breaking point.)

The heads were mounted between the crenels, along the top of the wall, impaled on iron spikes so they faced out over the city. Sansa had noted them the moment she'd stepped out onto the wallwalk, but the river and the bustling streets and the setting sun were ever so much prettier. He can make me look at the heads, she told herself, but he can't make me see them.

This whole section you can sort of feel the vibe of her starting to almost intentionally disassociate. ihatethisihatethisihatethisihatethis

A kind of madness took over her then, and she heard herself say, "Maybe my brother will give me your head." ... The outer parapet came up to her chin, but along the inner edge of the walk was nothing, nothing but a long plunge to the bailey seventy or eighty feet below. All it would take was a shove, she told herself. He was standing right there, right there, smirking at her with those fat wormlips. You could do it, she told herself. You could. Do it right now. It wouldn't even matter if she went over with him. It wouldn't matter at all. ... The moment was gone. Sansa lowered her eyes. "Thank you," she said when he was done. She was a good girl, and always remembered her courtesies.

Ooph, she snapped a bit. I hate that she was struck bloody and it's a situation where "thank goodness that didn't end worse" is an applicable statement. I know "maybe he'll give me yours" is treated like her big bad girlboss moment, but looking at this as 'a victim and her abuser,' fuck that was dangerous, especially with someone whose ego is that inflated, and their power that unquestioned. That wasn't even something she meant to say. Think it, sure, but out loud?

Kinda icky circle with this chapter, ends where it began, with Sansa being suicidal, and shrugging on her courtesies to protect herself even though she really doesn't want to.

(I have mentioned in a previous chapter review, the 5 F's, those are Fight, Flight, Freeze, Flop and Fawn, they're the inherent trauma and fear responses of humans, Fawn is also called Friend, and it's the trauma response Sansa is exhibiting, also being forced to exhibit. This trauma response is less physical in its characteristics, and plays to the emotional side of the threat. (Think of scared side kicks of villains like LeFou to Gaston in Beauty and the Beast, or Shang Qinghua to Mobei Jun if you're into SVSSS) the idea of Fawn is "I'm not a threat, I'm your friend, I'm not prey, I'm helpful.")

[cupuacu]

ed and mental illness talk

was trying to find any kind of log of my past weight so i could have an idea or an average of it all but i dont rmr using any apps for weight tracking, even in the height of my e.d. back in 2011-2015 lol. the farthest i could go was july 2018 where i logged my weight on flo along with my period (59kg....!! and my period wasn't as irregular as it is now!!). idk if it's my memory deteriorating but i genuinely don't remember weighting that little. kinda interesting that by 2020 i was already over 69kg, eating VERY well because i was dating at the time lol.

and sure i havent been able to eat normally bc of my stomach & since december from last year i've lost almost 8kg. not even doing anything. last week however i got anemic and very very weak because my body has not been able to absorb anything at all and these tummyaches have become unbearable so i finally got an appointment to check it out🙏

might be a mix of depression and the e.d. coming back and feeling sick all the time and not eating right but it all came down to the realization of oh this is a easy way to lose weight maybe if i lose weight i won't feel so miserable maybe all those people telling me i look bloated were right maybe if i look thinner i'll feel better about myself. which is all a lie i know but i need to feel Something i just feel so bad all the time about everything. plus when i do top surgery i'll have to lose weight anyway. i don't want to go back to >70kg i literally hate the number 7 so much it's unreal. if i lose 6kg i'll be back to the 59kg i had at 18 but i dont like the number 5 either so i'll have to lose 11kg to go to 48kg at least. it's a beautiful round number. or if thats too hard 55kg is also a round number in my head, although not nearly as beautiful

i don't plan to get that weight by the end of the year ofc lol realistically i want to build some muscle instead of straight up losing all fat. my body has gotten soooo weak bc i'm not athletic At All. genuinely if i knew it'd come to bite my ass this hard when i'm not even in my mid 20s i'd actually try to get good at sports when i was a kid. i can't walk or stand or sit for long which is so fucked up, like how did it get this bad 😭 shouldve taken unsolicited advice from my family and done ballet or something. well but the past's past so whatever i gotta deal with what i got now. hopefully it'll all work nicely.

[misscammiedawn]

Personal post - I lost an evening to a gray haze caused by my therapist yeeting me into a fire full of tumultuous emotions yesterday and I want to rant about it.

One thing that really annoys me about traditional Talk Therapy is the assumption of a continuity based narrative journey through therapy.

Ups and downs, there's always the path forward. To better.

I have told my therapist, who I require to maintain my alliance with for surgical reasons, that this doesn't work for me and have done the introspection and reading as to why. Yesterday I lost my temper and yelled at them for a good 35 minutes because we have had this conversation 4 times now and it always goes back to Patient Lead Therapy.

The issue, as I see it, is that in any given moment I am **CERTAIN** of my values, beliefs and drives. So when we talk about them in therapy I will engage actively and perform MY SIDE of the therapeutic alliance like a good mentally ill girl. But the issue is, my mood changes, my thoughts and opinions slide and suddenly I am not even concerned about the thing that caught me for 2 months, we're on to a new obsession and emotional permeance doesn't even let me remember what it was I was so proud of or angry about last month. I know I performed the actions, I know I was "writing for a project" or "upset that I hurt a friend's feelings" but I no longer identify with the person going through that and it can be frustrating. Because I liked how I felt when I was writing every day and now I cannot summon that energy or emotion and it makes me feel worthless.

I would hope a therapist who cared and understood the condition would try to find the root of these breakdowns that cause the sense of self and priorities to shift and try to map out ways to either stop it or identify it so we have a better roadmap to understand our condition.

My therapist would focus on the word "worthless" and say "...it makes you feel worthless...?" and we'll spend another $260 talking about my EPHEMERAL AND IN THE MOMENT emotion which is neither the problem nor a roadblock to my life.

It feels like paying $1000 a month for a personal trainer who you expect to hold you accountable for what days you're supposed to work on what body part, what weight is effective for your body type and experience, teach you how to use the equipment and educate you on how these exercises need to be maintained, when to rest, what to avoid eating etc.

And instead you get a person who just spots you and counts your reps. No guidance on what to use, no education on the way the body works, no telling you when working the legs 14 days in a row might yield diminishing returns.

Just someone who will watch you to make sure you don't pin yourself under a weight that's too heavy and will tell you when time's up.

I'm just...

I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of struggling to tell my PAID PROFESSIONAL that I do not experience continuity of experience in the way a neurotypical person does and LITERALLY AM INCAPABLE OF LEADING THIS PROCESS. I need structure. Accountability. Defense against my brain's gleeful joy at being able to distract a session for 50 minutes to avoid talking about the proper things.

I once saw a seminar on Carl Rogers therapy where the speaker joked "if you get a narcissist then you're set for life, they'll come in week after week happy to just talk about themselves and fill an hour of your schedule." and fuck it haunts me.

On some level, whether it be delusional paranoia, blinding rage or terror-- I think of that when I see my mental health journey ally.

Someone who is satisfied to KEEP me distracted so I keep paying week after week. Which is likely not true, but my horrible goblin brain won't stop whispering it to me and suggesting ways of punishing them for it.

...god I hate mental healthcare so much.

[greatfruitboo22]

I'm going to rant because I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about anything, really. I don't have money for a therapist, and I don't want to be a burden. I have been struggling and honestly the urge to just disappear is so fucking strong. First my mental health is pure shit right now. My depression at an all time high. All I want to do is is sleep. I have no motivation to eat, or do anything honestly. I can't sleep through the night. The only peace I have, no people to bother me and no one to prove myself to. Then I sleep all day, avoiding my responsibilities and others. I know part of it is because of my ADHD and Autism. Which until recently, I didn't realize I had both. And when I talk about it, I just get push back from my mom saying, "You aren't autistic I would know if you were. Or It only works if you have an official diagnosis, "but that means that it could be used against me because it's on a document that others can see. And that scares me. There are still so many places and people who use that against you. I'm scared that while I'm re-learning how to function without masking and not pushing myself back into burnout that someone will use it against me. I have gone back to a dark place where I want to die because I have lost my footing, and because I don't know where I'm going, it feels like a never-ending pit. I feel nothing and everything all at once. I don't feel like I have support anymore. Since my burnout, I quit my job that I liked because I couldn't handle being a mask, and getting statements like your face needs to show more emotion. I'm sorry that in order for me to function, I can't make faces. I don't want to smile to appease someone. Because I left that job, I have no money, one of my accounts negative, and when I think I fix it, it just gets worse. I started a new job, got two weeks in, and missed an entire week because all I could do was sleep. Depression isn't a real illness, so why did I miss it right? Jobs don't allow for mental illness days. Only sick days. But I am sick. Mental illness is a sickness of the brain. My brain that tells me these people can hear you make calls, they are judging you. They make fun of you behind your back. People are hard for me. I want friends, and I want to be kind, but eye contact makes me anxious, talking makes me anxious, and keeping conversations makes me anxious. I get anxious getting out of bed each day. I get anxious about eating in front of people. It's overwhelming. I am also dysforic. I started using they/them pronouns about a year ago, and only like five people in my life made an actual effort to use them. I am non-binary and while I still prefer femme presenting, I don't feel like a female. My family won't use my pronouns. My dad was confused and didn't try. My mom gets mad when I correct her. So many times I say those aren't my pronouns I get back no one will use those for you, how do others know, you aren't correcting them, you are my daughter. My aunt barely accepts I'm bisexual. My sister tried for a little while but stopped when it got too hard for her. I just want to feel like me in my skin. I am dealing with weight gain due to PCOS, and I hate it. I feel like I can't lose any weight. I want to live somewhere without the rest of my family, but I cannot physically afford to live on my own. Everything is so expensive. It feels like all these things are just piling on, and I want it to stop. I want to feel some freedom. I feel so isolated in the place I am in right now. Everyone around me is growing up and moving on. I don't feel like I have friends anyone. I don't know who is there anymore. Not that I would ever say anything about how I feel. I just wish I could breathe.

[s0ngsandstars]

hiya!! 1, 6, and 8 for the disability ask game, if you haven't already done them :3c

Putting it all under a read more because I do a lot of talking and I forgot how Tumblr deals with long posts. sdkjdfjgkdgn Also I apologize for how negative the last question turned out.

1. What disability/ies do you have? (and are they mental, physical, or both?)

Mental health wise I'm an absolute wreck. The things I consider disabling are DID (mostly the dissociation, I like my headmates), OCD, ADHD, Agoraphobia, Depression, and social anxiety that I heavily suspect is actually AvPD. C-PTSD is also awful, but it's like. Not as bad as the other stuff in terms of how much of my life and time is taken by it. Also like, all the sensory issues that come with being autistic is just awful. Other things too, but like. mostly just more anxiety stuff. sdkjndfgkjngjn I am a very anxious human being.

Physically I have FND (it manifests primarily as movement problems, and sometimes takes away my ability to move some or even all of my limbs entirely, though most usually my legs), arthritis, something related to hypermobility, and I heavily suspect POTS, but my doctors won't test me for it. *makes a peace sign* Also I'm deficient in vitamin D but my doctors won't prescribe me anything for it (idek why, it's been brushed aside like 3 times though even though it's been deficient for multiple tests of it). *makes a second peace sign* I also have glasses because I'm moderately near-sighted, but that's a very common thing.

I also have GERD and don't have a gallbladder, so food hates me sometimes, but that's like. So mild in comparison to other things. The worst part about that is that I have to wait a few hours before going to sleep after eating or I'll get sick. I almost forgot, I have NAFLD and so I'm banned from alcohol, even though I've never gotten drunk in my life, so that's a missed opportunity.

Probably something else I'm forgetting but, eh. sdkjndfgljdgn

6. What’s something good that’s come out of being disabled?

I feel like I'm more understanding of people? Like, it's definitely helped me with being more readily accepting of other people's experiences.

Also can I count synesthesia as a sometimes positive to my senses being fucked? Some sounds smell wonderful. I love the colors I see for people and things. Like, yeah some sounds can smell literally like burning rubber, but other sounds can smell like chocolate or sour candy or mint chocolate-chip ice cream, etc. etc. and it's lovely.

Fun thing too is my cane can double as a weapon if I need it to. So like, that's kind of neat.

8. Does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity? (gender, queerness, culture, even hobbies/life goals you’re very passionate about)

Yeah, definitely. DID made gender and attraction rather difficult to figure out, because of the bleed through of others' emotions and like blending etc. I went through quite a journey before deciding on just non-binary for gender. AroAce was also tricky to figure out, but I got there eventually. But I'm really happy with it, and now it's like, one of those questions I can answer if we're really dissociated and trying to figure out who's out. Narrows it down a little if I can answer the gender/sexuality questions. Not a whole lot cause we're polyfragmented, but hey, we'll get there eventually. sdkjndfgkjn

As for gender expression, I can't wear some things that I really want to. Like my movement issues make wearing certain shoes potentially dangerous, and I can't be in long or tight skirts. I don't have the energy to put on makeup any time I want to.

And it definitely effects my hobbies. I don't have the energy to draw most of the time now, and when I do I can only do it for short bits at a time. It's really frustrating, because I want to, I want to so much, but as soon as I get my tablet set up, I'm so exhausted I feel like crying and I have to lie down for a while or I'll feel ill. I have to jump on when I have the energy to do things like draw or cook. I do read a lot though (mostly fanfics). Reading doesn't require much energy, so reading is fantastic.

Life dreams, definitely. I can't go to school right now, I can't get a job, I can't travel.. My life is limited, and I can't do some of the things I dream of doing. I want to be a planetary meteorologist. I want to travel and see places. I want to do so many things. But I can't.

--

Trying to end this on a positive. I'm proud of what I've been able to do, even if it doesn't seem like a lot to someone who's abled. I've missed out on so many things, but that makes the things I've been able to do mean so much more.

[sugaglos]

in my experience marginalized people with "disgusting fetishes" sharing them online are usually not the ones doing messed up thing irl. the people you should be worrying about are the seemingly well-adjusted "normal" people, because that's usually in this category that you find truly messed up individuals. even people that ARE into actually problematic stuff and talk about it online are RARELY the perpretrators of those actions, they're often victims that are trying to cope with trauma. do you see where i'm getting at? saying that marginalized people should all be eradicated because they seem sick to you because of shit they post online is absolute bullshit. it's like people saying that a very small group of people identifying as animals or trans or whatever is what is causing the downfall of society. it's not. i assure you mentally ill people existing in their own space is not the main issue at hand, no matter how uncomfortable they make you. again, do you truly work with lilith?

Yes, but so many people live double lives and no one will ever know, even the closest people - Chandler Halderson being one example who seemed like a "normal" person but was living a double life and was totally fucked up in the head(but this case wasn't about fetishes, but an extreme one to show that "normal" people are not normal). But, there was another one where a father had a disgusting fetish and kept it a secret and his minor son found evidence of it and the father killed him. Also, there is all known Lota Volkova who on IG is publicly posting child abusing photos and dates people who support this kind of actions. She is disturbed both in private and on social media. She has long put her IG on private after the Balenciaga scandal since she's a part of it. Her friends are not better. 4chan, the website, is full of disgusting fetishists and messed up people in general who talk about it out loud and engage in these actions.

If you think sick fetishes are good coping mechanisms then idk what to tell you to not offend you. All these people need is waaay better help than doing sth thst could have the risk of repeating a cycle, imo.

Okay, let's assume I'm a white person and I identify as black or any other race (and no I would not have relatives other than white one), would that make sense to you? I'm referign to identifying as an animal. Without agrressions, give me a reply. The problem with identifying and why people don't like it is because of them pushing this "you gotta accept this/that whether you like it or not or I'll cancel you/ruin your life; you gotta respect everything!!! about me even if I don't respect you" narritive and people who don't agree push back. People have different pov, it's always been like that. You can't be liked and you needs cannot be met by everyone, it's not possible. So instead of calling everyone who isn't being aggressive or disagrees with your pov a transphobe(which is a fear not hate), just accept that people won't always agree with you. And usually these type of groups work based on fear, because the moment one of their group members will show doubt about the ideology that the group is aggressivelly pushing, the rest will eat them without salt (like feminism and certain things I've seen on tumblr).

Yes, she has helped me in many, many ways. She's a mentor of mine.

[bpdiary00]

Why can't I be normal?

I suffer from bpd and bipolar disorder. no matter how much progress i make i will never be able to be "normal" and that really hurts me. It hurts me that I live in a world where I feel insane and I have to conform to the standards of society or i'll be ostracized and shunned. i sometimes treat people like shit, i tell myself i just can't help it but what if i can and i'm just making excuses for myself and my behavior? i also get mad at myself for crying about things so often and i have these little thoughts in my brain saying "you're just doing this for attention" or "you can stop you just love to make yourself and everyone else miserable" i mean god even writing this i just keep thinking "stop putting on a fucking show, stop telling a story, just feel sad and get over it"

i just wish my mother and i had a good relationship. growing up my mother abused me and i always get mad at myself for saying it was abuse because i was just as bad as her growing up. but she has drilled it into my head that im the abusive, aggressive, crazy one and i don't know if this narative is true. i hate myself so much because i really can't tell if i'm a horrible person because of the way i treat people and have treated them. i try so hard to distance myself from my mental illness and the way my mom treats me currently/treated me growing up, but it's a never ending cycle, it is my own personal hell.

I can never stop being mentally ill. no matter how much therapy i get, no matter how many drugs they give me, i will always be mentally ill, even when my episodes aren't bad, i permanently am this way.

i must be toxic, that's why i have no friends, that's why i drive people away. i know some day my boyfriend will see my mental illness in action and the way i act and he will probably just leave me. he's too good for me. i want him in my life forever but i fucking suck. he always sees the best in me, but idk if he will forever. :/

today I looked at my cat who comforts me when I cry, and I thought wow no one has ever loved me this much, no one has ever sat with me and comforted me like this while I just poured my heart out to them. I love my cat, but he's not really mine. My mom won't let me keep him when I move out and quite frankly I'm worried because I don't know if I can survive without him. it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach when I think about not living with him. it might sound stupid that i feel like i can't live without my cat, because cats don't live forever and he won't always be able to be there for me, my mom said this and acted like i was stupid for being so attached to an animal, but i love my cats. i genuinely don't think i'd be alive if i didn't have them growing up.

i just feel like i'll be alone forever, i mean i have people in my life but i think i'm preventing myself from connecting with them on the deepest level because i'm always trying to hold back my emotions.

i need to go back to therapy, but i probably won't :/