#and it's BECAUSE he's seen all these insecure and vulnerable and ugly sides to him

[waitineedaname]

feeling completely insane about The Author And His Protagonist™️ this morning and now I'm thinking about bingqiu too, and like. Airplane of course wrote Luo Binghe to be everything he wasn't, this cool and powerful stallion protagonist. And he also wrote him to be what the readers wanted, especially as time went on. But there's bit of himself embedded in Binghe -- his insecurities, his fear of abandonment, his loneliness, his hunger for love. Those vulnerabilities are hidden away under layers of strength and stallion badassery in PIDW, but for Bingmei, they're laid bare and ratcheted up to eleven

And then Shen Yuan. He of course loved Luo Binghe The Protagonist™️ but he fell in love with Luo Binghe, the real person with insecurities and fears and strange ugly edges to his personality. He saw this carnival mirror reflection of Airplane's flaws, and he wanted nothing more than to wrap Binghe up and love him and care for him and soothe those insecurities

If I was Airplane, bingqiu would be like therapy for me

[ofourlee]

satoru x reader

you have never gone out without a full face of makeup on. even with your lover, you always wear beauty products. you say to yourself, "i can't let my boyfriend have an ugly girlfriend"

so, whether you're at his apartment, outside, or on a date, you're constantly wearing makeup. not till…

your boyfriend, satoru, offered for you to sleep at his place. a sleepover, with your boyfriend. he figured that since you're both free for tomorrow, it'd be nice for you to stay over. and you being you, you couldn't refuse such an offer.

it's 9:30 p.m., and you are seated on your vanity. yes, satoru has a vanity for you in his own home incase you come over. he is well prepared.

so you're sitting on your own vanity, removing your makeup as he rests on the bed. little did you know, he had been watching you the entire time.

satoru's lips curled into a sweet grin as he watched you take off your makeup. "she's beautiful with or without it," he thinks. however, seeing your natural face causes his heart to constrict.

he continues to observe you, his gaze following every line and feature, taking in your inherent beauty.

he admires the way the moonlight dances over your skin, creating beautiful shadows and highlights on your face. he notices the curvature of your jawline, the slope of your nose, and the fullness of your lips.

very detail is seared in his mind, a snapshot of you that he is certain he will never forget.

he watches you, a mixture of adoration and affection welling up within him. he feels honored to be able to see you like this, because you usually refuse to show him your bare face when he asks.

you appeared so vulnerable and unguarded. it's a part of you that hardly everyone sees, and he's humbled and glad that you trust him enough to share it with him.

he had a lot on his mind. he is captivated to your innate beauty. the absence of makeup shows your features even more prominently than before.

he fights against the urge to reach out and touch you, not wanting to disturb you as you finish removing the remainder of your makeup.

his glance sweeps across your face, taking in every subtle detail. the little blemishes, the small laugh lines, the natural blush of your cheeks all appear to contribute to your beauty in his opinion.

he can't help but feel a strong feeling of care and sensitivity as he watches you, falling in love repeatedly.

he wonders why you've always felt compelled to wear makeup around him. perhaps you were insecure, perhaps you were simply used to wearing it.

but now, without it, you appear to glow even more, and he can't help but believe that he is blessed to glimpse this side of you.

so, after a few seconds of silently eyeing you, he eventually talks. the sound of his voice bursts through the silence, and you startle slightly, your attention drawn to him. he smiles as you react, his words calm and soothing.

"you look beautiful without makeup."

he rises up and reaches out, his fingertips lightly stroking your cheek, almost reverently.

that sentence appears to fluster you, forcing you to glance away in embarrassment.

he chuckles softly at your reaction, his palm still resting against your cheek. he can see the blush rising up your neck and the way your gaze shifts away from his.

"now, why are you looking away? are you…embarrassed, baby?" he murmurs.

ugh, that damn nickname. it always appeared to weaken your knees, no matter what. and it doesn't help that he's calling you that when you're still recovering from his compliment.

he softly tilts your chin upwards, pushing you to meet his eyes. he grins at you, his eyes are warm and friendly. then he continues:

"don't be. there's no reason to be. you're stunning, with or without makeup. i think you look even more beautiful without it, actually."

"you are glowing."

"i love you so much"

"you're divine, i can't believe i have you all to myself."

"i have never seen a more beautiful woman."

"why were you so scared of showing your bare face to me?"

"you're so gorgeous"

"you have the prettiest eyes, but i like it when you wear contacts too"

"your beauty is so natural"

he pampers you with flattery. it makes you want to wrap yourself with a blanket. he leans closer, placing his forehead on yours.

he can feel the heat radiating from your skin and watch the fast rise and fall of your chest as your heart rate increases.

he looks at you, taking in your natural beauty. he has to acknowledge that there's something unmistakably seductive about you even without makeup - simply the essence of you.

your lips, glossed with strawberry lip oil, appear extremely inviting, and he has to fight the impulse to kiss you right there.

"I'm so lucky" he says.

his gaze sweeps over your face again, soaking in every detail. your cheeks have a little blush, your eyes sparkle and your eyelashes flutter softly when you stare at him.

"toru, don't stare so much. the more you look at me, the more ugly i become," you try to shoo him away.

he chuckles quietly, the sound deep and full in his chest. he shakes his head, smiling affectionately.

"you could never look ugly to me, baby. in fact, the more i look at you, the more beautiful you seem to get."

fuck, this man is gonna be the death of you. you can't take it anymore, the words are too endearing that you're so close to melting. 

he moves in closer, his lips just brushing over your forehead, temple, and both cheeks. he gives you delicate kisses and pecks, punctuating each touch with a quiet murmur.

he continues, "you're a goddamn vision, you know? you're a beauty, and you're all mine."

[mykoreanlove]

fitting room.

“Wait – you want to come inside with me?!”

Panic flooded your whole body as you realized that Felix was about to enter the fitting room with you. He smiled at you broadly: “Of course pumpkin! I want to see how you look in those clothes.”

Your boyfriend, whom you started dating a couple of weeks ago, took you out shopping on this warm summer night. You welcomed the idea as you loved spending time with him, but you dreaded the thought of him seeing you change.

“Wait… don’t you want me to come with you?”

His pained expression tore your heart apart. Of course, you wanted to be with him. If it was up to you, you would spend every minute of your day with him. This dark-haired personification of sunshine stole your heart the minute he smiled at you.

But you were hesitant at the idea of him coming with you into the monstrous invention that were fitting rooms. Those small spaces always made you feel insecure and ugly. The bright lightning highlighted all the parts of your body that you wanted to hide so badly. You had no intention of taking him with you in there.

Felix noticed the war you fought internally, so he grabbed your hands and squeezed them, hoping to distract your inner monologue. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

His eyes held so much compassion for you, he was dearly worried about your well-being. Realizing how much he cared for you made you beyond happy. You took a deep breath before confessing your insecurities to him. “I don’t want you to see me change…”, you mumbled silently.

Felix frowned as he did not understand your discomfort. “But why? It’s nothing I haven’t already seen, pumpkin.” He smiled again, hoping you would make it make sense to him.

You huffed out in despair: “Lix, those fitting rooms are every woman’s worst nightmare. They are super narrow so of course you naturally feel like a fat giant. And that hospital lightning – I mean you will see every lump, every dimple and all of my stretch marks. I don’t want you to see my flaws.”

Felix had wondered why you would always turn off the lights when you got intimate with him, but he never dared to ask. He fought his own self love battles a long time ago, but the memory of the shame that came with it was still fresh in his mind.

He never wanted to rush you, but he just did. Guilt was flooding his body as he saw what his careless remarks did to you.  Felix squeezed your delicate hands again and apologized.

“Pumpkin, I am sorry. I had no idea you felt that way about your body. Just so you know I don’t agree with you, but I don’t want to pressure you into anything you don’t want. Go ahead and change, I’ll wait over there with the other boyfriends.”

He was about to turn around when you stopped him. “Lix, wait!” Felix turned around and looked at you guessingly. You had never been with someone like Felix before – someone that understood you and let you breathe. You were used to guys that criticized or ridiculed you for your body, so you never had the courage to open up to them.

But not with Felix – it was as if he grasped your every concern with his whole being. You felt safe with him, so you tried to show him more of your vulnerable side. You grabbed him by his hand and ushered him into the next dressing room.

It was just as you had dreaded – narrow, brightly lit and full of mirrors positioned on every side. You watched yourself mortified before your gaze landed on Felix.

Felix, who was looking at you as if you put the stars in the night sky. Felix, who hugged you from behind and whispered into your ear: “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, pumpkin. Because you��re marvelous.” He placed a sweet kiss on your cheek. His love gave you the courage to undress in front of him.

And now you were standing in this small space, exposed in nothing but your underwear, displaying all of your flaws to your godlike built boyfriend. Your bravery ended at stripping down though; you couldn’t face him right now. You felt Felix’ hands caressing your hips and crossing in front of your stomach as his soft lips found your ear. “Now tell me, baby, where exactly are all those flaws you mentioned?” You felt your cheeks fill with heat as you sensed his hot breath on you. “Well for starters, you’re holding one of my flaws right now.”

This was killing you. Your insecurities were eating you from the inside. You already started imagining the worst he could say. “You’re right, y/n. Your stomach is horrific. Why won’t you lose some weight? It’s not that hard.”, followed by him looking at you disgusted and leaving the fitting room.

Felix’ snort let you come back to reality.

“You think this”, he was applying pressure on your stomach as he was talking, “you think this is a flaw?” You nodded your head in agreement. “Oh pumpkin, you little fool.”

Felix turned you around and got down on his knees. Looking up at you he flashed you a warm smile before pampering your stomach with sweet kisses. His actions made you laugh, so you ushered him to stop. “Lix, what the hell, stop.”, you giggled in front of him. He had a devilish smirk on his lips as he looked up at you again.

“I love your stomach, y/n. I love how it holds all of your organs for you. I love how it lets you eat and digest and breathe in deeply. I love how it looks. I love your little navel. I love to kiss it. I love to lay my head on it. I love feeling it rise with every breath. I really, really love your stomach, pumpkin.”

Tears started to form in the brink of your eyes. No one had ever adored your stomach like that, not even yourself.

“What else?”, he whispered. You took a deep breath before pointing out the stretch marks on your hips. “I hate them.”

Felix’s hands landed on your hips again. He was tracing the outlines of your stretch marks, touching the skin cautiously. “Maybe I shouldn’t call you pumpkin anymore.”

Panic arose in your body once more. You knew it. You were disgusting. Of course, he wouldn’t want to be with someone like you. The tone of his voice getting more playful with every touch: “Maybe I should call you tiger instead. Look at the swings of those lines, they are impeccable!”

You felt like an idiot. Here you were being worshipped by your perfect boyfriend, yet you played out one worst case scenario after the other. You looked down at Felix as you grabbed his dark hair, pulling at it lightly. His eyes sparkled with desire for you, they always did. “Where else, baby?”

With a heavy heart you turned around. You grabbed your ass and squeezed it lightly for him to examine. “Do you see all this cellulite?” Due to the many mirrors in the stall, you were able to see Felix’ expression firsthand. His eyes wide from excitement, his tongue licking his lips and hands ready to grab your ass, as well.

“Babe, all I see is your fantastic bubble butt. Do you really think I care about cellulite?” He squeezed your butt eagerly which caught you by surprise. You squeaked and jumped up, only to land in his arms again. He joined in on your laughter and held you close.

“Y/N, I think you’re beautiful. Like all of you is beautiful. I understand that it’s hard to see your body go through changes as you get older but that’s not a bad thing. Baby, you get to get older, not everyone does.” You shared an intimate look with each other in the mirror in front of you.

„Why don’t you think of age as levels? With each passing year you get up one level in the game of life. And getting dimples or stretch marks means you get to wear a new armor. Isn’t that exciting?”

You loved the way he saw life. You knew that his mindset was built on many hours of struggle and hard work, which made you love him even more. You still looked at him in the mirror, but this time you smiled. A whole genuine smile, one that reached your eyes, as well. Felix smiled back at you before ushering you to move your head. “Gimme a kiss, pumpkin.”

You two kissed, tenderly and sweet, while being embraced in the small confines of the dressing room. “Now, will you put on the clothes we’ve picked out for you? I wanna get out of here and show you how much I adore your body in private.” He smirked one last time before kissing you again.

[endearng]

Solace

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader Summary: A particular case with the BAU makes you relive old, painful memories. Spencer holds your hand as you share them with him. W.C: 1.8k Warnings: This is sort of platonic fluff with a dash of hurt/comfort; maybe they're in love but don't truly know it yet; mentions of loneliness during childhood, canon cm type of violence (domestíc violence and mísogyny). A/N: Took me very long and I don't know if I like it enough, but I hope you guys do. Feedbacks are highly welcomed and appreciated. Enjoy! Masterlist

"Hey," Spencer approached you carefully, smiling softly. It didn't quite reach his eyes, though. You knew the reason why.

You were best friends with Spencer Reid. It was easy, being around him. You felt connected as you got to know each other because you could relate to him so much and so did he to you, so you always relied on him during tough times. This time would almost feel different, because you felt scared of exposing yourself to him. Not because of his reaction, of course, he wasn't one to judge you even if his life depended on it, but because it made you feel vulnerable for him to see the pieces of you that you didn't appreciate all that much. The insecure, bad, ugly and mistrusting sides of you.

"Hey yourself."

You had just finished a case that involved children and domestic abuse. A group of men founded some sort of cult that preached hatred towards women — a motivation that had to do with fractured childhood and trauma related to their parents' broken marriages, of course. What a bond. Situations with kids were always more sensitive than anything else, and this one in particular brought back some bittersweet memories. You had had several nightmares during the investigation, but Spencer had been the one to wake you up from one of them because you were sharing a room. You were glad he did.

You were standing in a familiar street, but the darkness of the twilight made you feel uneasy. As you walked, a trail of both sadness and worry lingered behind you — feeling on edge, as if something was about to happen. Little did you know, fate had already made up its mind. And you couldn't change it.

It was hard to breathe. Your lungs felt like they were full of smoke, so much was the sensation of your chest being squeezed and with no room for air. You sat down on a sidewalk, dizzy, afraid to fall if you stayed on your feet. As you did, you noticed a big house across the road, pristine white walls and soft yellowish lights cleared one of the rooms in the first store, where you saw a couple holding and smiling at each other. Despite the feeling inside you, you smiled, too. Like their love made the air around them change, such intense feelings made others feel loved, welcomed and safe. In the greenest grass you've ever seen, even if the absence of light stopped you from seeing everything clearly, was a blonde girl playing all by herself. As you tried to calm your breathing, you noticed another girl joining her to play in a pink and purple princess castle outside the house. For a moment, you felt calm just watching the two girls sharing the most ordinary moment of any girl's childhood. An ordinary — or so you thought it should be — childhood surrounded by love, company and, most importantly, trust. Still, a sense of dread tugged at your heartstrings.

Then, everything happened so quickly. The blonde girl's dad, who just seconds ago was with his wife, now had a hard expression on his face. Anger seeped out of him. He approached them and told his daughter that playtime was over, which made her expression, which was so full of life, change abruptly. She entered the house, now looking down at her feet. Not daring to look, let alone say anything to her father, even though she was smiling so hard with her friend moments prior. The other girl didn't even have the time to bid her friend goodbye. You were too caught up trying to understand the suddenness you just saw to pay attention to the other girl, who was now in front of you, ready to confide something with a frown on her face, "He’s always mad."

And right as he finished her dark sentence, whose intonation and weight of the words chosen sounded like an adult, you heard the shots inside the house. Unable to run. Unable to breathe. Unable to react. Unable to undo fate's ugly decision.

Then, Spencer woke you up. You were tossing and turning on the bed and he noticed it because you were sharing the bedroom. Gently, he said you were having a bad dream and that you kept murmuring a female name. You thanked him for interrupting your nightmare, but didn't really talk about what was plaguing you. He felt like his hands were tied when days passed and you kept going as if nothing had happened — you didn't let him in, which was unusual for the both of you. Nonetheless, he knew you were avoiding falling asleep.

"Is everything okay?" Spencer asked, his tone caring.

"I don't know how I feel." You answered, looking out the jet's window, even if it was pitch dark. "I know I should feel good now that those kids are not under threat anymore, but, how many other creeps are out there? Will it ever end?" You asked, more to yourself, or the world, than to Spencer.

"I wish I could have that answer."

You glanced at him. His furrowed brows and sympathetic eyes met your defeated face. His caring nature around you made something in you snap. Maybe the need for reassurance, for safety. You finally thought you didn't have anything to lose, so you poured out your heart.

"Back when I was a kid, I had this friend. She was new in the city, so I met her when she joined our class in the middle of the school year. She was pretty reserved but I was pretty annoying and I wanted to get to know her." You sighed. Spencer let out a soft chuckle at the thought of you as a kid. Sweet, persistent and lovely. Just as you are now. "We would have lunch together when she was there, because she used to miss school a lot. I remember asking why, but I can't remember the answer."

You weren't looking at him. Guilt and embarrassment were trying to take over your emotions, your watering eyes intensifying feeling sensitive, like a being that was stripped off its skin. Walking around bare, shieldless. Come to think about it, it was always like that around him. No walls were needed to protect you from him.

A deep breath. It was just Spencer. He would listen. He would understand. "I remember that it took a lot longer for her to come back this one time. I asked the teacher what had happened and she only told me that she had left. I didn't know where to and I didn't know until years later. I was heartbroken because I had lost a friend. I know it seems dumb, but I really enjoyed spending time with her. We talked a lot, I learned the name of her friends and family, we played pretend, tag, hide and seek... We'd take our dolls to play with and talked about the cartoons that we both watched. It was nice to finally have a friend."

"Some time later, I found out by eavesdropping a conversation between my grandmother and a friend of hers that my friend's father had killed his wife, her mom, and then himself. He told her to wait outside the house so he and his wife could talk." You sniffled, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. "What kind of person does that?" You asked, tone exasperated, voice cracking, barely a whisper. Spencer looked at you longingly, patiently waiting for you to finish. He wouldn't dare to speak unless he was sure you were done. "So, I guess this case really triggered that memory. I remember grieving because I'd thought she was dead. I had nightmares for years, but never told anybody about it. In my dreams, I always watched her dad calling her back inside the house."

"What was her name?"

"Jane."

A beat of silence. He looked down at his lap. "That was the name you kept calling when you were... you know."

"Yeah. I know, Spencer." You swallowed the lump forming in your throat. "I know..."

Spencer looked utterly lost and heartbroken for you, but he was willing to try to be good for you so that you kept trusting yourself to him. "I'm sorry you had to go through that by yourself," was what he said. You smiled, albeit sadly.

"I'm sorry too, but at the same time, thankful that now I have you to share it with."

"You don't have to thank me."

"I want to. It feels like it was such a brief moment, but I guess it still haunts me to this day. I just felt, maybe feel, powerless over it, you know? I know I couldn't have done anything, heh, I was a dumb little kid. But still. Guilt is a bitch." You voice, your eyes that were unable to stay focused on a spot for too long and your fidgeting hands revealed your anxiety.

He put his hands on top of yours. You froze, finally looking at him again. "Pablo Neruda said that love is so short, but forgetting is so long. I guess that applies to you. You were just a kid trying to make a friend, and in a way, your company made her feel safe." You brows furrowed, tears rolling down your cheeks. His hands on yours stopped you from wiping them. You didn't want him to let you. "You were a curious and annoying elementary schooler who made sure your friend had company, even though it wasn't your main concern at that time, or you didn't notice it was. Maybe it could have been. Maybe she skipped school because of the problems at home, we know now that, sadly, it does happen. And, when she did go to school, she had your company to play and forget about all of that — she had a friend. You were her solace."

Just like you are mine, his mind screamed.

You were full on crying, silently. Your grateful glance never strayed away from his; you took it that he knew everything you wanted to say but couldn't.

Thank you for saying this.

Thank you for offering me a new, better perspective.

Thank you for being my friend.

I love you.

I wouldn't know which path to take if I didn't have you.

Actually, I do. I'd take the one with you in it.

Instead, "I wish we knew each other when we were kids. Either way, I know we were destined to be in each other's life."

He laughed softly, saying your name, “That’s a nice thought.”

The love you shared changed the atmosphere around you, too. But you didn’t feel overwhelmed with a feeling something would go wrong. If anyone asked if there was something right in your life, you’d say, in a heartbeat, that it is Spencer Reid.

[1kook]

commercial break: eleven

this is a netflix & chill drabble <3

SUMMARY You’re too bright, too… there. His shell is too small.

WARNINGS sadness, vulnerabilities, insecurity, self confidence issues, an idea of “feeling ugly”, tw // mental breakdowns and feelings of regression, crying, jk doesn’t want anyone near, oc tries her best to comfort him

RATING e for everyone

WC 1.2k

NOTES i love the idea of jk being the perfect man, but I also want to show moments where he isn’t so perfect and where he’s not the mature man oc thinks he is… I love my boy so much 😭😭 also it’s 1am helloooooo ALSO it’s formatted ugly bc I’m posting this from my phone 😀 I’ll fix it tmrw promise

Jungkook hates to admit it, but some days are harder than others.

Some days, Jungkook wakes up with an uncomfortably stifling feeling in his chest, one that threatens to wiggle its way into the loneliest parts of his heart and find permanent residency. A drowsy one, makes him linger in bed well past his preferred wake up time, the blackout curtains in his room ensheathing him in a sea of darkness that his heart is adamant on replicating. But it’s worse than drowning, because his lungs are clear; it’s just that he doesn’t have the strength, the willpower to force another breath— he just wants to lay there and do nothing.

“Good morning,” he hears from beside him, and a different weight presses against his side. You’re warm in the morning, soft too. He likes how you feel, he always does. But not today. Today, he doesn’t know how he feels about the overwhelming presence at his side. You’re too bright, too… there. His shell is too small. “You sleep okay?”

Jungkook doesn’t answer. The words don’t catch in his throat, but in the recesses of his mind instead, overlapping and overflowing until it feels like tv static, fuzzy and blurry— confusing. You shift beside him, and his heart kicks up an anxious rhythm. It’s not the normal butterflies that beat their wings against the walls of his rib cage when you smile, nor is it the thundering gallops of a dozen horses when you touch him just so. It’s this nauseating, terrified feeling, one that screams at him to answer lest he upset you with his silence.

There’s a hand on his chest, and he doesn’t like how it feels right now, just another suffocating layer to add on, but even worse he doesn’t know how to tell you that.

Luckily, he doesn’t have to. It slinks away, but that warning bell in his head is going off anyway, makes him look over at you in panic, only to find you propped up on your elbow, inquisitive eyes focused on him. Your features are still soft, and Jungkook is pretty sure there’s traces of last night’s makeup clinging to your lash line. You’re so pretty— you always are. Jungkook can’t handle this right now. You’re too pretty, and Jungkook feels ugly. (Ah, so that was the feeling.) You can’t look at Jungkook when he’s ugly, you won’t want Jungkook when he’s ugly.

“Hey,” you say softly, gently. Jungkook’s heart aches. A pair of fingers brush along his cheekbones, drag through the wetness that escapes the corners of his eyes, trails down toward his ears—when had he started crying?—where you delicately tuck his hair back. “I’m gonna get started on breakfast,” you tell him, voice hushed, whispering. Jungkook is hanging onto every single word, feels like you’ll disintegrate before his very eyes if he isn’t careful. You can probably tell. “You don’t have to eat right now, but it’ll be down there if you want, okay?”

You move to get off the bed, scooting away from him, leaving him behind. He’s fine with it until he isn't, until your hand touches the door knob to his room and a shameful sniffle escapes him. Loud too, loud enough to make you turn back in surprise. And that alarmed look on your face is enough to make Jungkook want to hide, hurriedly rolling over onto his stomach, burying his face into his pillow, arms clutching at the softness as he cries. You hurry back. He doesn’t want you to leave, but he doesn’t want you to see either. He doesn’t know what he wants.

“No,” he begs, turning the other way when your face comes up beside him, kneeling beside his side of the bed. “Don’t look at me— please.”

There’s a hand on his back, and Jungkook hates how much he loves it, hates how much he instinctively yearns to find comfort in you at a time like this. He was getting better, he’s been getting better. He swears he has; he has journals full of feelings to prove it, vulnerable text message threads with Namjoon to prove it.

But he won’t lie. The Valentine’s Day incident had left a bad taste in Jungkook’s mind, and these past few months have been hard. He feels like he’s regressing, like he’s back to being a teenager all over again. By itself, that knowledge sucks. Combined with the warm palm on his back and the loving voice calling his name— combined with the fact you've been watching Jungkook these past few months each and every time he’s woken up like this… it’s humiliating. “Don’t look,” he chokes out, each drag of your fingers through his hair sending a confused pang of emotions straight to his heart.

“Why can’t I look?” you ask quietly, toying with the strands of his hair. He sniffles. “What would I see?”

“Me,” Jungkook sobs, wishing the mattress would just up and swallow him.

You’re silent, a fact that Jungkook wishes he could appreciate had it not made the sounds of his anguish even more obvious. It makes him self-conscious, more than he already is, so he forces himself to quiet down. It doesn’t feel better, but it does let him hear your next words. “I like looking at you,” you tell him, and the bed dips down beside him. After a moment, you speak again. “Do you feel ugly today?”

Careful, calculated. Like he’s a ticking bomb and you don’t want him to blow. Briefly, he had explained it before, skirted around it in embarrassment as he talked about the way he felt. It had been months ago— maybe the weekend after Valentine’s —so he’s surprised you remember. Jungkook nods.

“Then I’ll wait,” you announce, and eventually he feels you settle in beside him. His head is still turned the other way, hiding shamefully, but he can feel your warm breath against his skin when you slowly cuddle in close. An arm wraps itself around his back. He doesn’t mind it this time— he just wants to be held now. “I’ll wait until you feel pretty again.”

Part of Jungkook wants to snap at you; he doesn’t want to feel pretty, he’s never felt pretty. Jungkook felt average at best, and on days where you stroked his ego, maybe even handsome. But pretty? That’s not something that’ll ever happen, and he doesn’t want you to waste your hopes on a possibility that does not exist.

But that’s mean, and he doesn’t want to chase you away, scare you away, even if he doesn’t want you to see him like this. So Jungkook shuts his mouth, stays still, tries to match the soft rise and fall of your chest against his side instead.

Some days he’s fine in a few minutes without a single tear shed. Other days are long. Other days are so painful and uncomfortable, he just wants to hide. He wants to climb into his shell and never come out, hide his ugliness from the world and never have to worry about being seen again.

You don’t lie to him, don’t feed him empty promises while you wait. You just lay silently at his side, pulling him closer when his sniffles get louder. You don’t say anything unnecessary and you never make it about yourself.

Lately his shell has grown bigger, wider, comfier. Big enough for someone else to squeeze in, hold him close when he doesn’t feel like himself.

He doesn’t hate it.

[illuminiscentboba]

[𝟐:𝟑𝟔 𝐚𝐦] ; another step into his galaxy

warnings; previous bad relationships, self doubts/insecurities

Oikawa laid awake staring at the luminescent green stars encompassing his ceiling.

It wasn't the first time he was up in a half awake, half asleep daze past midnight or the first time he suddenly desired to do something about his life in the middle of the night. But during this sleepless moment he found himself thinking about you.

You were another brilliant star in his galaxy, except you were brighter than anything else he's ever seen, bright in ways light and space couldn't compare, the star that fell from the sky and found him. Too cheesy, makki would remark.  

But it was true. He thought that about you every time you laughed, smiled, the way you would look at him, even blinking brighter as you teased him, stirring laughter from his 'friends' who were too amused to find someone that could keep up with him and keep him on his toes.

He smiled at the very thought, waiting.

Waiting, as his eyes flitting from one star to the other. Waiting...for what wouldn't come.

Here past midnight tooru was waiting for the negative part of his mind to work into overdrive, to supply him with something to worry about, something to disturb his peace, to tell him that his happiness was wrong. 

But surprisingly, he felt ok. He felt alright, better than other nights. Nights years ago before he met you.

The nights that he felt even the darkness coiling around him and his mind eating itself alive, he felt bitter, anxious, frenzied, and then before he knew it, it would be morning again.  

Tonight on the other hand was peaceful, like he was bouncing along the planets in space. The space called his room, gazing at the green stars with love.

He didn’t feel like the small insecurities that sporadically crept over him in relationships. The small worries of ‘will they like this?’ ‘What if this is too overboard?’

Those "what ifs" kept him up, holding him back on a lot of things, like sending a message because ‘what if I’m bothering them?’ ‘Am I too clingy?’ 

And god, the heavy thought that brought tears to his eyes as he tried to argue with the negative side of his mind, ‘am I good enough for them?’

You see, it took Oikawa maybe a bit too long to discover that his significant other had to also be his best friend.

A lot of long months and a lot of years of fighting himself and about everything in to stop running away and avoiding his feelings.

He was afraid.

Afraid of a lot of things but most of all, afraid of being honest, of people seeing who he truly was. A vision even he was wrong about with how distorted he would think of himself as.

But you, thank you. Thank you for giving him room to be honest, for being patient, for having deep late night conversations with him and then laughing with him about his most recent shower thought moments later.

Thank you for celebrating his small and big achievements with him, spoiling him when he felt down and going out of your way to make him feel special.

Tonight his mind was clear of negative thoughts, and his heart felt a little lighter. 

You were a treasure, easily the kindest star he's ever known. Around you, he didn't have to fight to prove his worth. He could talk in high and low pitched voices, he could wear that ugly outfit and wear matching boas and goofy sunglasses as you guys did some chaotic karaoke.

You guys could laugh at each other getting brainfreeze over slushies, text each other all night and regret it but never trade it for anything else.

Everything was okay around you, no more than okay. It was timeless.

He could be honest, vulnerable but feel so safe. He felt like he was on cloud nine and instead of being afraid of getting attached to you and having to push you away he felt like he was dancing on mars, fingers intertwined with yours as he spun you, in a melody only you two knew.

It was funny how the small details could pile, the small acts of caring and loving others and yourself made everything so different.

He got to feel excited, almost like a gradeschool kid with their first crush. This wasn't his first crush, first time liking anyone or anything, firsts no longer held a special ring to him.

Or that was what he thought until he realized that he wanted to be around you forever. It would be the first time he wanted to fight to keep someone around. 

And the first time he also picked himself first. He wanted to remind himself that he was enough, to take care of himself, to smirk at the mirror, to say his affirmations and to believe them. 

To polish not himself, but instead polish his love through his actions, to wipe off the dirt on his heart and practice self care, not polish his personality. Another late night aspiration.

But he was looking forward, and that was a start. 

That brought a smile to his face, one of relief and genuine happiness, a rare one.

Happiness that grew as he lifted his phone to his face, squinting against the brightness as he skimmed through the photos he took today. You were grinning up at him, sitting at a table with your drink before he got there.

And he continued thinking as he scrolled through the other photos suddenly remembering...THE EMBARASSING THING HE SAID TO YOU TODAY JESUS CHRIST, WHY-

He pressed his face into the pillow resisting the strong urge to scream into it, eventually resorting to sitting up with his legs crossed, uncurling his spine in a form that vaguely resembled meditating as he breathed in slowly and carefully, mentally warding away the embarrassment.

That was another thing he had to deal with for a short while that he expressed his feelings and communicated. Embarrassment.

 But he was tooru, oikawa, a little embarrassment was to be expected, right? Surely he could endure it, alongside all the other embarrassing things that's happened throughout his life. 

And maybe he really was getting better at enduring it because he didn't feel embarrassed about being vulnerable as much anymore.

Because when he talked with you about his feelings and was honest with you, he felt relieved, seen and loved, wondering why he agonized by himself for so long with someone like you around to listen and reassure him with full confidence. There was nothing better than feeling loved, cared about and connected with someone. 

Perhaps he was as down bad as Mattsun claimed he was.

Maybe his head really always was up in the clouds like dear Iwa-chan insisted it was.

And maybe for once his heart and mind had settled down like Makki concluded it did.

It made him a little too happy that his friends were happy with him about him thinking of trying to get back into seeing someone after a bit of self doubt and overthinking. 

Ah, overthinking...but what if it could all work out like this? What if all the heart break and pain was preparation for something better? What if his messy love life would finally warmer, sweeter and as loving as you?

What if he was to find someone with room in their heart they’ve made themselves on purpose to love him? With full intention to and without regrets? 

He didn’t wish for a lot of things but he made a prayer deep in his heart. For that someone to be you.

But he knew better than to sit around and daydream. Positive results didn’t come from doing nothing.

And so with lots of hope, a random bout of courage and a lot of other emotions, he dialed your number, on purpose, will full intention of loving you as he pressed the phone to his ear. 

And so when the ringing ceased, and you picked up, that was how tooru oikawa made one of the most special late night decisions of his life, and said the words he's been wanting to for a lifetime. 

 "Hey y/n?"

"I love you."     

-

a/n; I’m alive guys 😭 and I can’t believe that this is the first thing I’ve ever wrote for oiks 😵‍💫🧍‍♂️ tho after reading it, it felt less like the fluffy piece i expected, more like an oiks mental health and struggling and wanting to and making steps towards the life he wants- if the text starts repeating pls tell me 😭

[mizunetzu]

Can I request a Iida x male reader with a skin problem? Like every time they finish training or after a stressful event the reader's skin would inch then they would scratch it, red blotches would appear on their chest, stomach, back. The reader insecure about them and hate their body, so in the locker room Denki points them out which they realize and start to become insecure and the itching becomes unbearable. They make an excuse then Iida becomes worried about his classmate then hears quiet cries in their door, Iida asks to come in then sees them curled up on their bed scratches their skin harshly which Iida quickly stops them. Iida confronts them and tries to comfort them.

🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰LOVE YOUR WRITING BYE THE WAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaah thank you! This request was very fun, and I do love me some iida~ I feel bad for antagonizing kaminari once again in my fics tho 😅😅

——————

Iida x reader - Don’t Itch Your Neck

⚠️warnings - two (2) mentions of itch attacks, one in the beginning and one at the end (sorry, didn’t know the word for it) kaminari being insensitive to reader.

Pronouns - male, he/him

——————

‘Please don’t compare me to a villain.’

It should be common sense. Why would you ever compare someone to something as wickedly as a villain? It’s rude and distasteful, and you’re practically saying they’re just as bad as illegal thugs and murderer.

But as (Y/n) mindlessly scratched the itch on his neck, a normal itch, not one caused by his skin condition, a villain who terrorized their school at USJ suddenly popped up on the news channel he was watching on his phone.

“-Villain known as Shigaraki Tomura, the alleged ring leader of the League of Villains, has last been seen atop of a high building.” His phone buzzed. He stopped writing answers onto his notebook, as well as unconsciously scratching harder at his neck while turning his attention to the news channel on his phone propped up on Iida’s bed.

Iida would come back any second, telling him to get back to studying, but hey, he’s doing something productive like watching the news, right? Watching news is productive, right? Apparently, it was a special on Shigaraki, and knowing more about villains as a future hero is good, right?

“Shigaraki is estimated to be in his 20’s, and he is commonly seen in disputes against U.A, especially first-year hero class 1-A.” Yep, that was them alright. The news castor continued.

“It is also estimated that Shigaraki has some sort of skin condition, or due to his quirk his skin seems to be very dead and brittle.” The screen cut to some surveillance footage zoomed in on Shigaraki, clawing at dry blotches covering his neck.

His scratched-up, blotchy neck looked uncannily similar to (Y/n’s), especially with the way he was scratching it while being confronted by heroes. It must’ve been caused by stress too. (Y/n’s) skin would burn under the pressure of stress, and he couldn’t help but scratch all over.

(Y/n’s) neck decided to flare up at the sight of Shigaraki. Does that mean he was similar to a villain? He had some sort of trait that was identifiable with a villain? One that attacked his school, no doubt? He scratched his neck harder, bringing up his other hand to scratch the other burning side. Does that mean he was like Shigaraki?

(Y/n) let out a whimper. The itchiness would only scream more if he retracted his hands from his neck. He rubbed his skin raw, scratching so hard he could’ve swore there was blood starting to seep out from his neck.

The door to Iida’s dorm room clicked open silently. (Y/n) paid no mind to it, more focused on the unbearable itch on his neck and the tears clumping at his eyes.

“...(Y/n)-kun? Are you alright?” Iida’s voice broke through the small breaths and scratches of (Y/n), making him look up slightly with blurry eyes. When (Y/n) said nothing, Iida immediately dashed into his bathroom, looking for a small container of ointment.

Iida timped back into the room with a tiny white container in his hands, unscrewing the cap and placing it on under the container. He sat down on his bed, next to (Y/n).

“(Y/n)-kun...I need you to remove your hands, please.” (Y/n) whimpered out a weak, pained “No...” Iida pursed his lips.

“I promise it’s only for a second, it won’t itch.”

“It-it won’t stop-!” Blood was starting to drip down (Y/n’s) nails. Iida winced, quickly shuffling to the bedside table to grab a tissue from a half-filled tissue box. He returned calmly, sitting down next to (Y/n).

He gently set his hand on top of one of (Y/n’s), testing the waters and gently urging him to pull away. “It will only be for a second, love.” He said, with the tissue in his free-hand and the cream resting on a book laying on the bed.

(Y/n) let him pull away his hand, and Iida immediately went up to dabbing the tender, red area of his neck. There wasn’t much blood to begin with, only a few drops, but Iida didn’t want to take the risk of rubbing in the ointment while there was blood on his neck. He dipped his fingers into the white cream of the container, gently cupped (Y/n’s) cheek with his dry hand, and blotted the reddest parts of his neck as gently as he could.

(Y/n) eventually cooled down, the cold substance of the cream as well as the medicine inside it enough to soothe his nerves. Iida hummed.

“How are you feeling?” Iida earned a hum of satisfaction in reply. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

(Y/n) paused for a second, before patting the bed around for his phone. His hand eventually landed on it, and he turned on the newscast in hopes they were still playing the same topic they were on to show Iida. Iida bent over slightly to examine (Y/n’s) phone screen.

“...a villain? The one who attacked us at USJ?”

(Y/n) nodded. “He also probably has a skin condition that makes him all itchy too....the news said it and they played a video of him scratching his neck—and I don’t wanna be like that-“

“Ah...I understand. I understand how upsetting it must be to share something in common with a villain.”

“It’s not just that, though...” (Y/n) sighed. “Because of the scratching, I have all these ugly red blotches on my body...and it makes me look scary...I don’t want my skin to end up like his either...”

Iida hummed. He set a hand on (Y/n’s) shoulder. “I can assure you, you are nothing like a horrible villain such as him. I’m sure there are many heroes with conditions such as your own!”

(Y/n) bit back a smile. He downcast his head, trying to avoid touching his sensitive neck as much as he could.

“Thank you...”

——

Hero training.

(Y/n) dreaded hero training.

The class itself wasn’t so bad, no. No, it was before and after hero training. Where he’d have to change into his hero costume, and change out of it after class was done.

When he did that, everyone could see the ugly red splotches or red scratch marks that made it look like a cat attacked him nonstop. He always made it a point to get in and out of there as fast as he could so no one would ever bring up the rough skin plastered on his body.

But luck didn’t seem to be on his side today.

(Y/n) tore off his hero costume, eager to get out of there as soon as possible. Or at least have something covering him by the time every one else arrived. Of course, Iida was there—he could never beat him first to the locker rooms somehow—but he trusted his boyfriend enough to let him change in the locker room while his vulnerable, spotty body was exposed.

But just as he had every single article of his hero clothing off, leaving him in his underwear, he heard footsteps rattling closer, before the door to the changing room swung open. His stomach dropped.

“Yooo! (L/n)! What’s-oh?” Kaminari’s boisterous voice dug pits in (Y/n’s) guts. He slowly turned around, doing his best to cover his torso with his U.A button-up shirt as he did so. He saw Kaminari standing a few good feet away from him, as the boys of 1-A began filing into the locker room. (Y/n) glanced at Iida, his anchor in a situation like this, before catching his apologetic expression.

“Dude...did Tokoyami really fuck you up that bad in trainin’ today?” Kaminari pointed at the red marks nipping at (Y/n’s) forearms and legs. Sure enough, he sparred with Tokoyami today, but that wasn’t really the cause.

Tokoyami turned around. He shook his head. “Dark shadow cannot inflict such...scratches. And if he did he should be in Recovery Girl’s office instead of the locker rooms.”

(Y/n) silently wished Tokoyami would just take the bait and say it was Dark Shadow. Because Kaminari wouldn’t be rubbing his chin and saying,

“So then what’s all that?” While gesturing circles to the rough, red skin on (Y/n’s) body.

“S’nothin...that’s all...” (Y/n) quietly mumbled. He turned around swiftly, shrugging on the button-up of his uniform and trying to button it up with shaky fingers.

Hands reached down from behind (Y/n) and grabbed his wrists, lifting them high above his head and twirling him around.

“Duuuude! They’re all over your stomach too!”

“Please...lower your voice, Kaminari-kun.” Iida voiced as kindly as he could, not facing (Y/n) to at least spare him one less pair of eyes that were staring at his red-blotched body.

Kaminari’s eyes were plastered onto the red scratch marks and flaked skin on (Y/n’s) barely-buttoned shirt, while (Y/n) wriggled his hands free from his grasp. He completely ignored Iida’s request.

He unconsciously brought his hands up to his neck, still sensitive from yesterday’s...incident and certainly still itchy. The itch was coming back.

He started pawing at the growing itch on his neck, his back pressed against the locker door as he tried to reach for his pants with his free hand.

He started pulling them on the best he could with one hand, not hearing the growing voice of Kaminari asking about why he was itching his neck; or the quiet protests from Iida. Once his pants were sloppily hanging from his waist, his hand flew up to scratch another forming itch right under his eye.

Kaminari suddenly clapped his hands together, looking very appealed all of a sudden. “Dude! I just realized who you looked like!”

“Kaminari-kun, thats-“

“Remember that villain who attacked us at USJ? Shigaraki? The one who kept scratching at his neck and stuff? I think they did a special on him on the news yesterday!”

“Kamina-“

“You look exactly like him!” Kaminari chuckled. “The scratching-“

Iida abruptly slammed his locker door shut. The loud bang it produced shook waves across the locker room, loud enough to silence every one there. Kaminari flinched in surprise, along with everyone else in the changing room.

“...Shut the fuck up, Kaminari.”

Silence ensued the once talkative changing room. All eyes fixated on Iida, a dead scowl on his face that replaced the mighty rule-abiding gaze he wore. The use of no honorific for the first time was absurd, but hearing Iida tell Kaminari to ‘shut the fuck up’ really took the cake. Iida was glaring dull daggers at Kaminari, who was standing there staring back with awkward eyes.

(Y/n) took that opportunity to mumble a quiet “I have to use the bathroom..” and slip out from in front of Kaminari, and slink out of the changing room. He buttoned up his shirt as quickly as he could, not caring about his long forgotten tie or blazer with the burning, unbearable itch that pulsed from his entire body.

He figured he couldn’t last in class like this.

——

Iida sped-walked all the way to the U.A heights alliance. He was worried when (Y/n) didn’t show up to afternoon classes, but didn’t want to run in fear of immodesty on school grounds.

Though, he supposed it hardly mattered anymore, especially after his spiel in the locker room. He was so irritated he didn’t think to apologize until they got back to the classroom. And boy, did bowing hundreds of times, chittering “I apologize for my rude behavior!” Millions of times over again count as an apology.

Iida started sprinting, before ducking into the door and up the stairs.

He ran around the whole dorm building, in case (Y/n) was hiding in someone else’s room or the restrooms. No luck.

And he had no further luck until he passed by (Y/n’s) dorm room, hearing soft sobs and skritches from inside the room. Iida hummed, knocking on the door.

“(Y/n)-kun?”

The sobbing from inside (Y/n’s) room went silent. Iida set his hand on the doorknob.

“Please open the door. Or let me in, please.”

Iida was trying his best to keep his voice level, but inside he was probably just as panicked as (Y/n). Even though he knew (Y/n) kept his medicated cream in his room, Iida had grabbed the spare laying in his own just in case. The soft whimpers from inside the room resumed. Iida sighed.

“I’m coming in. Pardon the intrusion.”

The door the (Y/n’s) room softly clicked open, the light from the outside casting a strip of yellow light into the dark that was (Y/n’s) room. Iida took a moment to let his eyes adjust, before his red eyes fell onto the curled up ball of itching that was (Y/n).

Iida quietly sat down next to (Y/n) on his bed, who paid him no mind. He kept sobbing into the school uniform he never bothered to change out of, one hand under his button-up and the other scratching at the back of his arm. Eventually, his arms switched to scratch at his legs and his neck.

“It burns...it-it burns, Ten-“

“I know, I know,” Iida refrained himself from patting (Y/n’s) back, in fear he’d accidentally inflame that area. Instead, he calmly rose from the bed, walking briskly to (Y/n’s) closet. He opened it gently, shuffling through clothes and picking out a loose shirt and basketball shorts.

He laid them out on the bed. “Do you think you can put these on for me...? Oh, but before you put the shirt on, please allow me to apply your medication onto your stomach..”

(Y/n) briefly looked up to see Iida squatted down infront of him through his tucked-in knees. He looked from Iida to the clothes waiting for him on the bed.

Iida set a hand down on the mattress next to (Y/n). “I can turn around if you would like me to.”

(Y/n) nodded, and Iida stood up and faced the opposite side of his room. Waiting as he heard shuffles of clothes being removed and slipped on, accompanied by more itching, he alas heard the dry “m’done..” from (Y/n) he turned back around.

(Y/n) was scratching at his arms, his head turnt down and tears still cascading down his face. He was holding the shirt in in between one of his armpits. Red blotches and scratch-lines littered (Y/n’s) chest, arms, and legs. The irritated skin looked even more irritated as (Y/n) scratched and clawed at them even more.

“Thank you, handsome.” Iida cooed. “Are you comfortable with me applying it to your chest or would you like to do that on your own?”

“You can do it...I don’t...” (Y/n’s) voice died down, but Iida got the gist of what he was saying. He set (Y/n) back down to his bed, drawing the cream out from his possession and popping off the cap.

After smearing on a generous amount to his chest, his forearms, and his calves, (Y/n) was able to stop scratching for just a bit. It soothed the burning itch for only just a bit, though.

Iida brought his cream-covered fingertips to (Y/n’s) red neck. He tilted it up, giving Iida access, as he rubbed gentle circles around it.

“Would you like to talk about what happened?” Iida said, not taking his eyes off of his current task. (Y/n) sniffed.

“...Do you think I act like Shigaraki? I know you said I didn’t...but you were just being nice, weren’t you?” (Y/n’s) voice was barely audible over the sounds of his sniffles and hics. Iida pressed his lips into a fine line, making sure to coat every area of his neck before retracting his hand. “S’ok...you can tell me, I won’t be mad.”

“(Y/n)-kun...darling, you know that’s absurd.”

“But it isn’t!” (Y/n’s) voice cracked. “Y’know-my body’s already all ugly and disgusting, I might as well become a villain especially because I look like one.”

“Just because you have these splotches on your body doesn’t make you any less handsome.”

“Stop lying, Tenya.”

“You know me, I don’t lie.” Iida placed his hands on his lap as (Y/n) carefully slipped on his shirt. “What kind of class representative would I be if I were a liar? I’m just stating facts like a good civilian.”

“And it’s a fact that (L/n) (Y/n) is the most beautiful, handsome, alluring boy I have ever laid my eyes on. Kaminari-kun took his ‘joke’ too far, and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as a joke in the first place.”

Iida finally set his hand on (Y/n’s) shoulder. “Please don’t let his words get to your head. Your nothing like a villain, nor is your skin any less beautiful than you think it is. If you can’t love it yourself, I will just have to make sure to love you just as much to make up for it.”

(Y/n) stayed quiet for a second, before shifting closer to Iida and laying his head down against his shoulder. Iida smiled, reaching up to pat (Y/n) appreciatively on the head.

“Thank you, Tenya.”

‘Please don’t compare me to a villain.’

Because (L/n) (Y/n) was far from it.

——————

I apologize if I got any information wrong, I am not the best educated on topics such as skin conditions :((

[corpsedaydream]

point of view

corpse husband x reader

word count: 2.4k

_______________________________

pov

Growing up, you’d spent so many afternoon and nights in your childhood bedroom scribbling down notes into diaries. Some of it was reality, some of it was fantasy, but all of it was you. Once you were done, you would hide the journals all over your room, they were for your eyes only but your brother use to have a habit of finding them and reading them and teasing you if you happened to write about a boy you had a crush on.

Ironically, when you’d first started talking to Corpse, before he became your boyfriend, your brother had caught you sending him some heart emojis, and even as grown ups, he still teased you about it.

You weren’t surprised that hadn’t changed, but something that did change that did take you by surprise is how that hobby of writing brought you to where you were in your career.

You were on your way to your boyfriends place and in the passenger seat of your car was a CD. In a very early 2000s style, there was writing scribbled onto it done with a black sharpie and the letters read, ‘POV demo’. You could feel nervous butterflies gathering in your stomach as you neared closer and closer to Corpse’s place.

You’d had an incredible past few days. Writing always felt like something for fun, never something that would actually be a career prospect but when your YouTube videos of you sharing your original song ideas started to take off, people started to notice. Someone in particular being Ariana Grande. She’d fallen in love with your writing style and wanted to work with you to create a song for her next album, so of course you graciously and excitedly agreed.

It seemed you and Ariana were in similar phases of your life, both falling in love with someone who seemed so perfect for you. So the song came so easily for you, all you had to do was think of Corpse.

Your car came to a stop out the front of his place and you took in a few deep breaths as you unbuckled your seatbelt and picked up the CD from beside you. You’d written about Corpse before, but never something that was as confessional and honest as this song was.

Will he even like it? You thought to yourself and for a second you contemplated placing the CD under your car to run over it to destroy it. But you wanted him to hear it before it was released to the world. So with one last deep breath you shook your head to try to send the nervous thoughts to the back part of your brain as you exited your car with the disc that had the song on it in hand.

The time between knocking on his front door and him coming to open it had never felt this long before. You were chewing on your bottom lip and your forefinger was picking at the corner of your thumb nail as you anxiously waited. Then when the door opened, you spoke up before Corpse even had a chance to greet you. “I have a surprise for you!” You blurted out as you stepped inside and avoided bumping into him.

Corpse had a humoured yet confused expression as he watched you slip past him, usually you greeted each other with an exchange of touch, but you were barely looking at him right now and seemingly keeping your distance. “What-”

“No, please don’t say anything.” You held your hand up that wasn’t holding the CD as a signal to shoosh your boyfriend. “I have to show you right now before I change my mind.” You were visibly nervous, he could see it so clearly in you right now, so he listened and kept quiet. He wanted you to feel okay, but now you had spiked his curiosity, he had to know what the surprise was. “Can I put a disc in this?” You asked as you walked to a laptop that sat on his coffee table and sat down on the floor to place the CD beside it so you could inspect.

“A disc for what?” He was puzzled by the question.

“Just answer!” You didn’t mean to snap at him, this was supposed to be a good surprise, but god your heart was beating so fast and it felt like it was lodged in your throat. You were about to spill your heart out to him like you never had before and you were terrified of a potential rejection if he thought it was too much. Instead of questioning or arguing or snapping back at you, he neared you instead. Corpse could see your hands shaking a little and you were hunched in on yourself. Usually you were the confident one of the two of you so seeing you in this insecure state was something he wasn’t exactly used to. However, he had seen it before, but only a very few times. As confident and bright as you were, he’d been slowly learning your more deep seeded fears and vulnerabilities, so he was learning how to handle it when you were in a state like this.

“Hey,” He called for your attention as he crouched down beside you his voice ever so calm, one of his hands coming to land on the small of your back and his other grabbed hold of one of your hands. “Look at me.”  Finally, you did. With your bottom lip caught between your teeth you turned your head and found his gaze, your eyes flickered between his, you were still so nervous. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“I mean, yeah, I am. I’m just-” You cut yourself off and you broke away from his gaze.

“Just what?”

“Scared.”

At that answer, his hand on your back rounded around you further as he let go of your hand so he could instead shift closer to you again and use that hand to bring it to the side of your face, encouraging you to turn to him again. “Why are you scared?”

“I’ve really just got to show you this.” Was the only answer you could give him without spoiling what the surprise was.

“Do you want to?” How badly he wanted to know what the surprise was, but he wouldn’t push for it if it caused you to be more on edge.

“Yeah.” You answered him and he smiled before leaning in to kiss you.

“Go ahead then, baby.” Corpse told you after you broke apart, his hands falling from you as you scooted forward to be in front of the laptop and he leant back against the couch.

One last time, you looked back at him over your shoulder, you were more in front of him now, but he was still within an arms length. He nodded fervently at you, watching with interest as turned your attention back to the laptop and opened the device and inserted the disc. With a few clicks, the beginning of the song started to play and you dropped your vision to your hands that sat in your lap before the first lyrics were sung.

It's like you got superpowers Turn my minutes into hours You got more than 20-20, babe

Hearing this, Corpse sucked in a quick breath, it was clicking in his mind what the surprise was.

Made of glass the way you see through me

He directed his gaze to the back of your head, how he wished he could see your face right now, but he knew you must have needed to be facing away from him right now to feel okay with doing this.

You know me better than I do Can't seem to keep nothing from you How you touch my soul from the outside? Permeate my ego and my pride

You spent so much time laughing and joking around, you were a very playful person and sometimes, you found it hard to get more serious. Corpse had been one of the only people to be able to see through this, to be able to reach a more exposed part of you. And as he listened to those lyrics, he recounted a time the two of you were wine drunk and and it was one of the first times you’d ever really opened up to him. But then right after, you’d attempted to laugh it off and he stopped you and made you feel okay with not having to seem like you were at 100% all the time, especially with him.

I wanna love me The way that you love me Ooh, for all of my pretty And all of my ugly too I'd love to see me from your point of view I wanna trust me The way that you trust me Ooh, 'cause nobody ever loved me like you do I'd love to see me from your point of view

The chorus played and Corpse couldn’t help himself, he leant forward slightly to make contact with your elbow. And even though nothing was said, you understood fully what he wanted, because you did too. Your hand left your lap and without turning your head towards him, you reached your arm behind you, he grabbed your hand once more, intertwining your fingers with his.

I'm gеtting used to receiving Still gеtting good at not leaving I'ma love you even though I'm scared

These lyrics caused his hand to squeeze tighter around yours. It was only a few weeks ago the two of you had a pretty big fight, although it was only born out of fear and it ended in tears. When you were apologising, you’d told him you were so happy he was still with you and you’d also opened up to him about how with every past relationship, you never let yourself get in too deep, you always made a run for it before your heart was too in it. But you didn’t want that to happen with Corpse.

Learning to be grateful for myself You love my lips 'cause they say the Things we've always been afraid of I can feel it starting to subside Learning to believe in what is mine

The chorus began to play again and Corpse tugged on your hand.

I wanna love me The way that you love me Ooh, for all of my pretty And all of my ugly too I'd love to see me from your point of view

At first, you didn’t respond, and he really didn’t want to interrupt the song, but he wanted you to be in his arms so badly. “Come here.” He tugged again and this time, you finally moved. Your hands broke apart as you scooted back to sit beside him where he was still leaning against the couch and as soon as you were there, his arms came around you, pulling you in so close.

I wanna trust me The way that you trust me Ooh, 'cause nobody ever loved me like you do I'd love to see me from your point of view

Your heart was beating so hard and your cheeks were flushed as you nestled your head into his neck.

I couldn't believe it, or see it for myself Know I be impatient, but now I'm out here Falling, falling, frozen, slowly thawing, got me right

His arms were around you so tight and your emotions were running so high. Tears were pooling in your eyes as your hand grabbed ahold of his shirt, the material pulling taut as your hand tightened into a fist over the material.

I won't keep you waiting All my baggage fading, safely And if my eyes deceive me Won't let them stray too far away

Corpse turned his head in order to be able to press his lips against your forehead as the chorus begun to play out one last time.

I wanna love me The way that you love me Ooh, for all of my pretty And all of my ugly too

Just like earlier, one of his hands would come to cup around the side of your face, encouraging you to look at him again. With his aid, you’d move your head out from the hiding spot you’d found in the form of his neck.

I'd love to see me from your point of view

Corpse swiped his thumb across your cheeks upon seeing that a few tears had spilled over the edges of your eyelids, you were still keeping your eyesight down.

I wanna trust me, ooh The way that you trust me, baby

He’d dip his head then, still trying to connect eye contact. You’d glance up and much to your surprise, tears had begun to bubble in Corpse’s eyes too. You’d let out the softest gasp and your hand would lift to grab a hold of his wrist of his hand that was still cradling the side of your face.

'Cause nobody ever loved me like you do

As the songs last lines were playing, the two of you moved your faces closer together to meet for a passionate kiss.

I'd love to see me from your point of view

The both of you poured every emotion you were currently feeling into the physical display of love and adoration. Deepening the kiss, you’d kneel up briefly so you could climb into his lap and sling your arms around his neck and his arm would tighten around you.

When you both parted to catch a breath, you’d have your foreheads resting against one another until you lift your head back up to look at Corpse properly.

“Did you like it?”

He smiled and shook his head in disbelief at your question, how could you not know that the answer already? “I loved it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“It’s everything I’ve always wanted to say to you.” Yet again, you moved your eyes away from his.

He could see that still, you were feeling vulnerable about sharing the song with him. “Baby,” And once again, he was using his hand against the side of your face to coax your eyesight back to his. “It was perfect.” He assured you and he would feel so pleased to finally see a smile appearing on your face. “Should we only communicate in songs now?” He’d joke and he’d feel even more delighted to hear you laugh.

“I love you.” You’d tell him.

“I love you, too.” He’d reply.

“No, like, I really fucking love you.”

“I get it, because I really fucking love you.”

The both of you would laugh again and when it subsided, you shared another kiss.

“Play the song again.”

[bokebelle]

just like the stories - armin arlert

WARNINGS: none, just a ton of armin fluff. 

PAIRINGS: armin arlert x gn!reader

WORD COUNT: 1.7k

a/n: this is my first time writing something this long and i’m very open to feedback and suggestions as to how i can improve! 

requests: OPEN

Armin was 18 when he first started falling for you. It was all innocent at first. He loved the way you smile was brighter than the sun, and how your eyes shone brighter than any star in the sky. But as time went on and he grew older, the love he felt for you ran deeper than any ocean he could read about.

He fell harder for your bright smile, knowing that there were days when you just didn’t feel like smiling. He fell deeper for the spark in your eyes, remembering the days he wiped the tears that threatened to douse their light. You made him feel like he was on cloud nine, but kept him grounded with your gentle words and soothing touch.

That's why 2 years later, Armin was where he was now: sitting on a bench, with you beside him, reading out loud a book he had carefully picked, hoping you would read between the lines and figure out he was in love with you.

“And it was in that moment her heart had felt the thrill of being in love.” he couldn't stop himself from looking at you. He couldn’t help admiring how you leaned your head back and closed your eyes, taking in every word that came from his mouth.

"It was intoxicating, almost addicting. She allowed herself to drown in the scent of her lover, she simply couldn’t get enough. She wasn’t afraid to be burned by the fire that bloomed in her heart when their lips were locked in heated moments of passion. Despite the pain, she wasn’t afraid if one day, her lover decided to seek shelter in the arms of another, for the love she felt was enough to make her feel alive for a lifetime and a day. She wasn’t afraid to love.

She realized that through it all, love was the thrill that made her feel alive. It was the promise of a love that made life more beautiful that made her hope and dedicate her heart no matter how many times it broke. 

In her beloved she saw the farthest of galaxies and the deepest of oceans. In their promises of love, she learned the truths of life and the secrets of the universe. As she locked eyes with the one that held her heart, she saw that the beauty in it all, in the good and the bad, was knowing that at the end of the day, she was loved and that she was in love.” Armin concluded. “The end.”

“That was such a sappy ending” you say, finally opening your eyes to look at blue eyed boy before you.

Armin was always cute, with his button nose, ocean blue eyes, golden fluffy hair, and optimism that made you think he was like the sun. The more time passed, the more you realized the word “cute” didn’t fit him anymore. He was kind and friendly, with a sharp mind and quick wit. You started to think maybe he wasn’t like the sun, maybe he was brighter than the sun itself. But the more you got to know him, the more you understood even the sun bowed to the darkness of the night.

 Armin was insecure about never being the obvious choice. He was smart, yes, but he was worried about never being as funny as Connie, or as charismatic as Jean, or as strong as Mikasa. You always assured him that he didn’t have to be like them. He didn’t need to be like his friends to be enough. To you, Armin was always enough. You were always too scared to tell him how you really felt. You were afraid he would push you away, thinking he wouldn’t be enough for you, thinking you’d ruin everything if he didn’t give you, or himself, a chance. And so you kept quiet for both your sake and his and kept your feelings hidden in the deepest corners of your heart. But despite wanting to shout the truth into the world, you felt okay keeping it a secret if it meant having him by your side a day longer. He was your bright sun that shone in the summer sky, and even in his dark moments, he shone like the moon on a clear night.

You always found Armin cute, but when you learned about the ugly things he had a hard time loving, the parts that you loved for the both of you, you started to think differently. And in this moment, as the light caught in his blond hair making him glow before you, you can’t help but think how beautiful Armin is.

“Well, I liked it.” he said, closing the book and setting it on his lap

"I’m not saying I didn’t like it. It was just sappy. And besides, you’ve always been a hopeless romantic so maybe that's why you liked it.” you tease him with a smile.

‘Hopeless, maybe’ he thought. He took a deep breath and hoped he had it in him to be romantic.

“to be loved and to be in love sounds nice though, doesn’t it?” his heart drums in his ears, a faint blush painting the apples of his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. “To feel so strongly about someone and knowing they feel the same way about you.” 

You simply smile at him, and he takes this as a cue to continue. “Imagine finding someone who makes the world make sense. Someone who makes you feel safe, and welcome. Someone who makes you feel like home wherever you go.”

“That would be nice.” you agree as you entertain his train of thought, ignoring your own thoughts of what it would be like to hold his hand, or kiss his cheeks. “But they’re works of fiction for a reason. I’m not trying to be a downer but not everyone finds love and gets it in return. Sometimes you just have to be happy watching from the sidelines.” 

Armin felt a twinge of doubt in his heart. Maybe you’re right. Maybe he should be happy watching you from the sidelines. However, he managed to stop himself before he let his negative thoughts take over. 

‘Better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all’ right? He took a deep breath and shook his doubt away. He would never know if he had a chance of winning the game if he always resigned himself to watching from the sidelines. 

“It may be fiction but it’s possible.” He counters. “It’s possible to find someone has all your words and promises but leaves you speechless. To know someone like the back of your hand, but they keep you guessing every time. Someone who makes life exciting but makes you feel at peace at the same time”

“And how do you know it’s possible, Mr. Romance expert? You in love with someone?” you manage to joke despite an ugly jealous feeling starting to bloom in your gut.

“It’s possible because that’s how I feel with you.” Armin confesses, and you could swear in that moment time froze. You suddenly became hyperaware of how he was fiddling with his fingers, how his eyes were fixed on you. His cheeks were turning pink, and he nervously licked his lips. He was flustered. More flustered than you had ever seen. 

“Just hear me out okay? I like you, I like you a lot. You make all the romance books I’ve read make sense. When they talk about that warm feeling in your chest, or the feeling of being home, suddenly I understand them because of you. Cliché and sappy words make sense because that’s what I think when I look at you, that’s what I feel. I’ve been in love with you since I was 18, you know? I don’t know when it started, but I don’t regret it one bit. And if you give me a chance, I hope you don't regret it too. I know I’m not the strongest or even the tallest, I don’t have a lot to offer except my heart that chooses you every day and my arms that were made to hold you. It’s corny, I know but that’s all I have to give you and I hope that’s enough.” 

You keep quiet for a moment before letting out a small giggle. You had spent all this time keeping quiet only to realize he felt the same way. And top it all off, after he poured his heart out to you, saying the words you always wished he would tell you, the words you were always too scared to admit, Armin was still worried about not being enough. It was in the vulnerability in his beautiful blue eyes that you finally found the strength to do what you’ve always wanted to do, to say the words you’ve always wanted to say.

“Gosh Armin, for someone so smart you can be really dumb sometimes.” you tease, accidentally giving him the wrong impression.

Armin felt numb. You didn’t feel the same. He was dumb for thinking someone like him had a chance with someone like you. But before he could feel his heart break in two, he felt your lips gently on his.

You were kissing him? His mind couldn’t process everything that was happening fast enough so that by the time he was ready to kiss you back, you had pulled away.

“Armin you’re always enough for me, you’re more than enough. I don't care about what you're not, what matter is what you are, and you are always enough” You whisper, holding his beautiful face in your hands so his eyes meet yours. “and if you still don’t believe then that's fine, I can love you enough for the both of us.”

Armin’s brain finally caught up with what was happening, and his heart had started beating to the promise of your words. He was enough. He was enough for you, and he was enough for himself. For once, his words failed him, so he decided to kiss you back, knowing that was enough for you both.

No love story could ever describe the way his lips felt against yours. No poem could detail how lovely his fingertips felt as they traced gentle patterns against your skin. The greatest novelists or poets would never come close to describe what it felt like to have a love like this. It was a love meant to be preserved in the stars. A love considered fictional by most, and rare by few. It was a love one could only dream of having, a love only you and your beautiful blue-eyed boy lived out everyday. 

You lived a love so great and pure, would happily spend all your lifetimes and more, knowing what it’s like to be loved by and to be in love with Armin Arlert.

[anime-academix]

Scars

Headcanon

Characters: Midoriya, Todoroki, Aizawa, Shigaraki, Dabi

Midoriya:

You know how hard he trains to become the number one hero and you’re his number one supporter!

But because of that, he usually ends up hurt as a result

You’ve lectured him several times that he needs to be more careful when training

He tries, he truly does, but he gets so into becoming stronger, a lot of the times he slips up

Whenever you’re made aware that he’s injured and in the infirmary, you almost always see a new scar forming on his body

Everytime he sees you, he can’t help but be ashamed of himself for getting himself hurt yet again

He gets kind of insecure of all the scars he’s accumulated over his time at UA already

It happens when you two are hanging out--after a major injury on his arm from the fight at the training camp--that you see the sleeve covering his right arm

You can’t help but trace the sleeve on his arm

He takes notice to where your eyes are and shifts uncomfortably, holding his arm with his opposite hand as he looks down

“Can I see it?” You question and he’s taken aback.

He hesitantly nods and lifts his arms up ever so slightly toward you.

Delicately, you pull off the sleeve only to reveal a huge scar, purple in colour, starting from the top of his shoulder to the bottom of his elbow

He will be on the verge of tears because he thinks his scars are ugly

You’ll put his hand in yours and plant kisses on the huge scar gently and work your way around to kiss the other scars on his arms

This boy will straight up start crying, which may even lead you to tear up a bit

You’ll ask him why he’s crying and attempt to wipe away a few of his tears

“My scars are so hideous...and I j-just have so many of them and--”

“Izu, listen to me. Sure, I don’t like the fact that you have scars because it’s a reminder of how much you get hurt. But that doesn’t mean they're hideous. They’re beautiful. Yeah, it’s a reminder of pain, but it’s an even bigger reminder of your strength and bravery. And I am so proud of how far you’ve come. I know I can’t heal them like Recovery Girl, but I will kiss every single one of them everyday if I have to. I love them and I love you.”

Hugs the life out of you while crying into your chest, repeatedly telling you how much he loves you

Todoroki:

Ever since you and Todoroki started dating, you knew he was insecure about the scar on his face

He’s only insecure about it because of the memory attached to the scar and it brings him great pain

You were the only person he could trust enough to talk about his past and this insecurity

Whenever the two of you are together, you can’t help but occasionally steal glances at it

You don't stare at it in disgust, it reminds you of the stories he’s told you of his past and you can’t help but feel a slight pain in your heart when you think of everything he’s gone through but also awe at how much strength and courage he has

He’s truly brilliant

He catches you staring at him

“What're you thinking about?”

He will immediately catch on that you’re looking at his scar and will subtly look away

“You...Shouto, will you look at me?”

He’s taken aback but hesitantly turns to you, exposing his scar again

“Can I touch it? Your scar?”

Doesn’t know how to respond to this unexpected question but nods his head slightly.

Trusts you with his whole entire heart

Your hand cups the side of his face as your thumb softly caresses the bottom of his scar

Instantly melts into your soft hand, finds comfort in your touch

Eventually you’ll find yourself sitting on his lap with his arms wrapped around you and your hand cupping his face

“You’re beautiful.”

A small smile appears on his lips as he looks up at you

“And your scar is beautiful” You added, pressing a soft kiss on his scar

The kiss will cause his cheeks to heat up which leads him to hug you tightly, his head against your chest.

“Thank you...I love you.”

“I love you too, Shouto.”

Aizawa:

It doesn’t bother him that much that he has an obvious scar under his right eye so he doesn’t think about it too much

He doesn’t think about it until he’s with you

But, it’s not a bad thing at all!

You’re a very affectionate person, especially when the two of you are alone

So when he comes home from doing hero work and/or teaching, he can almost always expect to come back to cuddles and kisses

It happens when the two of you are cuddling that you’re pressing kisses on him but stop when you get to his scar

Aizawa LOVES when you kiss his scar

No matter how many times you do, each time is always so special

You’ll trace his scar with the pads of your fingertips while his arms rest lazily around you

Your soft caresses are honestly enough to make him drowsy as his eyes close

You run your other hand through his long black hair, humming softly

A few soft kisses are placed on his scar

That’ll earn you a small smile from him as he opens his eyes

Will begin peppering soft kisses around your neck which will cause you to move your other hand and place it in his hair

He’ll remove his lips from your neck before passionately pressing them against your own lips

A hum of satisfaction will be heard from the two of you

You both adore these moments with each other. When the two of you are close, intimate, vulnerable but in each other’s arms. The moments where you both give and receive confirmation that you love and adore every single part of each other

Shigaraki:

Extremely shy when it comes to physical intimacy/affection

You're almost always the one to initiate it

Because you’re immune to his quirk, it’s a relief to him that he can touch you without having to worry about you turning into dust in his hands--that is WHEN he decides to be bold enough to touch you

Didn’t really care about his scars until you came into his life and he became self conscious about it

He honestly thought you’d think his scars were ugly so he would try to avoid moments of vulnerability with you

But you though the complete opposite

You can honestly see right through him

Happens when he gets severely injured after a failed mission that you have to patch him up

Kurogiri will bring him to your room where he’s in pretty bad shape

When it’s just the two of you, he’ll remove all of the hands from his body

Despite his injuries, he’s INSANELY nervous to be this vulnerable around you

No matter how many times you’ve seen him without the hands, he still gets anxious

Freaks out a little when you sit beside him to tend to his wounds

Becomes even more self conscious showing the scars on his face, especially the ones on his lips. He will shake his hair slightly to cover his face

At this point, you’re a little fed up with your own boyfriend avoiding you constantly

“Tenko…will you please look at me?”

The use of his real name will catch him COMPLETELY off guard 

Can’t help but turn to look at you, his head slightly tilted down

You’ll cup his face in your hands

“Will you stop hiding from me?”

“I have to...I need to.”

“No you don’t. Why are you saying that?”

��Because...I’m...not...I’m not attractive enough for you.”

“What? That’s bullshit. Why would you think that, my love? You’re beautiful, even more than that.”

Stares up at you, would honestly want to cry right then and there at your words

He was always so used to people calling him horrifying because of his skin and scars, therefore he became disinterested at what others thought of his looks because it was always the same. That is, until he met you

You’ll kiss the scar above and below his lips softly. You’ll brush the hair out of his face and place soft kisses on his cheek and below his eye

He didn’t mean for it to happen, but he’ll actually start crying. He will wrap his arms around your waist softly, moving his head to rest on your shoulder.

You'll wrap your arms around him, running your fingers through his hair softly as he sobs quietly

“Shh...I’m here. You’re safe.”

It was then he would know that no matter how many scars he had, you would love him and all of his imperfections

He would genuinely feel loved by you, a feeling he was not familiar with

Dabi:

I mean, Dabi’s scars are more than quite obvious (due to...A+ parenting, thank Endeavour!)

He honestly tries to act all tough, like his scars don’t bother him and pays no attention to it

Happens when he exits the bathroom from showering, shirtless and wearing a pair of sweatpants

He won’t say it aloud but you’ve observed that he’s more comfortable showing the entirety of his scars around you

You’ll wrap your arms around him from behind and begin kissing his scarred shoulder

Will genuinely think that you’re just being a little frisky, but that thought will be put to bed when you whisper that you think he’s beautiful

This will catch him entirely off guard

He’s never been called beautiful before

Turns around and looks down at you with soft eyes

“What are you talking about?” Will honestly try to laugh it off and pretend like it doesn’t mean everything to him that you just told him that

But you can read him almost too well so you know that actually has an affect on him

You’ll smile and gently cup the side of his face

You won’t say anything but kiss the scars on his face

He’ll roll his eyes, but you both know that he secretly loves your touches on his scars

[ships-bynoa]

The Titans are almost back, bitches. aka 3x06

Guys, literally every time the titans are together-or even paired up-the episode gets ten times better, but in 6 episodes there is simply not enough Kory and Gar. I can easily forget that when I’m basking in the episode they are in, especially when they’re giving us family dynamics.

Kory:

“You’re not mad that I left. You’re mad I came back.” Kory’s face tells us Blackfire is right on the money, and who would know her better than her sister?

So, Kory, oh boy. Our girl is on edge. She is slowly unraveling and is super vulnerable and raw with Kom around and little sister is going to exploit it and her guilt, which I think she’s carrying a lot of. So far their dynamic has been fascinating because there’s so much to read between them and so many accusations being flung back and forth, from both. From Kory; you sense guilt and even contempt and from Kom there’s envy and resentment, but also there’s a sense of idealization for her older sister, too, which of course, with younger siblings, there always is an element of that. And as an older sibling, there is always an unspoken and sometimes spoken responsibility placed on them for their younger siblings. Parents often don’t realize it, but they can create a lot of tension within siblingships by assigning roles.

They remember home and family very differently, which is often the case, too. Kom was often thrown in the pit and to that, Kory attributes her sister’s constant rebellion as the reason, and yet, Kory herself was a bit of a rule breaker, sleeping with her guard, Fiddei.

Kory was being suffocated by the laws and customs of her home planet; one could say she rebelled by going on a mission, to escape her duties. Home did neither of them any favors because while one rebelled because she did not fit in, the one who did fit in was dying inside, surrounded by little robots and becoming one herself. Being told what to eat, wear and who to love or be friends with is yikes.

I was thinking Kom began her game of manipulation in the bunker, but she really started before that when she sent Fiddei to bring Kory home when she probably intended to kill him all along. After all she would’ve castrated him if she’d had the chance to for sleeping with Kory in the first place. Shortly after Fiddei’s death, Kory flamed out. No powers. Emotionally wrung out from the news her family was dead and now the culprit is here. These two know each other very well and know exactly how to get underneath each other’s skin. Right now Kom is getting underneath Kory’s and our girl is losing patience fast. 

I’m wondering when exactly Dick will tune into Kory’s anxiety-ridden state and step in to support.

Ultimately, I just want to see what truly happened to the girls on their planet and how we have the versions we have now. Like, Kory said to Rachel, “No one is born good or bad, we are defined by our choices.” I get the feeling Kory has given Kom so many chances to make a different choice and has become disillusioned, meanwhile Kom believes nothing she does will give her the respect she feels she deserves anyway, so she may as well blow shit up, figuratively and literally. At least then she’ll have Kory’s attention.

Gar: 

Gar losing it on Dick was so cathartic and yet he could’ve gone much further, considering Dick abandoned him last season to go jail and hallucinate Bruce. It ultimately led to Gar (and Conner) being kidnapped and experimented on by Mercy. It’s actually all the adults fault this happened, but as the leader promoting his family everywhere he goes, he needs to keep his eye on the ball. He would know if he spent five minutes at home with them that Gar is struggling. Last season Gar was #OperationSaveTitans and this season he’s #ThisFamilyIsDying. He’s doing what the adults should be doing, or at least leading the charge on it. He’s the glue, but who will hold him together?

He’s carrying too much emotional responsibility and Dick’s dismissal, because he is fully locked into Gotham and being Batman, makes me mad. Get your head in the game, Grayson. Gotham is going to eat your family while you retread the nostalgic steps of your past.

We all know Dick’s not good at expressing himself emotionally, though he’s usually forced to express something when talking to or being confronted by Kory, so I was proud of him for giving Gar the floor to speak. I just wish Gar spoke about himself, but then again, he needs more time and consistent offers to be heard. I’m happy Dick followed up the conversation up with a bonding/training session. There was definitely pride in Dick’s face because Gar really has come a long way in this group, but he needs MORE SCREEN TIME. I’d like to see the two of them out in the field together the way we’ve seen Kory this season with Gar and Conner. 

I wonder if Gar losing control is the start of all his trauma bubbling up to the surface, will being in Gotham, hunting down a friend be too much?

As a side, has the CGI tiger face gotten worse?

Kom (and Conner):

First thing’s first, what music are we thinking Kom listens to? Probably the kind of music she can break your tailbone to, like, Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole and Jay Z, or Prince, Jimmy Hendrix, Stevie Nicks and Led Zeppelin? Rihanna?

Kom is absolutely a villain this season and if she isn’t, what a waste that’ll be. A mastermind at mind games (see, her picking up the chess piece), who is going to drum up Kory’s paranoia and anxiety around her being there. Trying to kill her suspicion by guilt tripping her while simultaneously being a do good-er to the group, feigning interest in helping the Titans to earn her way in, a tip from our boy, Conner.

She says she wants acceptance and I believe that’s absolutely true, but she doesn’t know how to get that without using power, so she’ll continue to covet acceptance through and with power because according to Kory, she’s always been a climber. Add to that, being born the cursed child and the only royal member born without the gift of fire, something that differentiates them from the common folk, being too frail to participate in the same games as Kory, having a speech therapist be her only friend while being the object of ridicule and you have a villain origin story nicely set up.

I really enjoyed Conner and Kom’s exchange. The boy lit up when he spoke about seeing his family happy and it made me light up. He’s so genuine and has a big heart and Kom is going to take advantage of it, that’s not to say she won’t develop real feelings for him, but she can like him and still use him.

Conner’s “you have to earn your way into the family,” is perhaps an internal and personal struggle he has from sharing blood with Luthor. I think it may come from an insecure place because he was made a titan as soon as he woke up and no one questioned it, but as he’s only half of superman, he’s constantly trying to prove his usefulness for good, which losing Hank has rocked, leaving him vulnerable to Kom’s recognition for his otherness. Their otherness.

She gave us insight into her mind, but also she has likely seized an opportunity to use the vulnerability against Conner and to her favor by making him her kindred. Outcasts. Will she gain influence over him? He’s still young and learning, and trusting, too.

Her interest in him felt layered, ignoring the ugly customs of sex servants, she was also observing Kory’s relationships and ranking them in her sister’s life. Her being able to determine who may have Kory’s interest (which Kory gave away with her vulnerable display of worry over Dick’s welfare in front of Kom) will surely come into play at some point, right? After all, Kom did kill Kory’s last lover/royal guard. This may be me projecting. LOL.

Romantically, I’m waiting to see how they play it before I decide if I like it or not, but so far, they have a nice chemistry. Friendly.

Dick (and Barbara) :

What a lovable dumb ass. 

I was so happy Kory lost it on him and called him on his lone ranger shit, at least when it’s her, even when he’s being an idiot, he’s still listening. “Let’s go.” and I thought it was hilarious that he tried explaining himself, but when Gar called him out, he got all huffy with, “Excuse me, young man.”

Gar asking Kory not to have words with Barbara over Dick getting shot was so funny because Dick’s face seemed to ask the same when she asked how it happened. We love a protective Kory. I’ll be looking at him when it’s his turn to reciprocate.

I don’t like him dismissing their concerns about his personal safety and how it affects them, it’s like he’s learned nothing after running off alone to battle Trigon, or rather has unlearned his lessons of S2. I’d like to see some more permanent emotional growth from him by this season’s end. In his current state, he’s not an exuding leader. He can’t be when he’s still wrapped up in Bruce and all things Gotham. He’s not tuned into Kory’s anxiety, or Conner’s grief and insecurity, or Gar’s emotional burden. 

He’s started making it up to him, but he has much to do in taking Gar’s concerns and emotional needs seriously.

I’m not even going to try and work out the timeline between Barbara and Dick and Dick and old Titans in San Fran and S1. But it doesn’t bode well that Dick’s dream with Barbara ended in a nightmare. 

I wish they’d never did the whole Dick and Dawn relationship in S2 because they’re basically repeating some of the beats in showing us how they don’t work as a couple, only his relationship with Babs makes a lot more sense even though I don't care. Dick has unfinished business with that relationship, Bruce and Gotham and I can only hope he’s wrapped it up for good by this season’s end. I want to see relaxed, smiling and happy Dick in THE PRESENT. I still Babs will be the one to notice and point out Dick's feelings for Kory.

Barbara (outside of Dick) is being downplayed a little, no? Dismissing Dick’s suspicions about Jason when he arrived, showing no knowledge of Jason’s visits to Crane and then taking the bait and moving Crane after he got a light beat down. A commissioner who was also a very capable vigilante is tricked by a recording and goes to meet “Bruce” on her own. I really enjoyed that she could hold her own and the fight scene was really good, but it was a bit baffling that she fell for that ruse. So far, she’s not entirely good at her job.

Dick’s a distraction in his own right and her feelings clearly get in the way, which is why she keeps asking him to leave the precinct and Gotham; because she’s pining a fantasy and he’s ruining it. Lastly, I really like the way Savannah plays Barbara.

Why’d they do that to Tim?? :(

Overall, it was a better episode and I enjoyed it more than latter episodes, but they’re not quite there yet for me. I’m  still waiting for Team Titans.

[plaidbooks]

SFW Alphabet - Rafael Barba

I’ve been meaning to do this for forever--it was bugging me having the rest down and not Raf’s (I still need to do Mike’s at some point, too whoops).

Taglist: @witches-unruly-heart @beccabarba @thatesqcrush​ @itsjustmyfantasyroom​ @stardust-fray @permanentlydizzy​ @infiniteoddball​ @ben-c-group-therapy​ @glowingmess​ @whimsicallymad​ @lv7867​ @storiesofsvu​ @cycat4077​ @shroomiehomie​ @glimmerglittergirl​ @alwaysachorusgirl​ @dianilaws​ @averyhotchner​ @mrsrafaelbarba​ @crowleysqueenofhell​ @detective-giggles​ @dreamlover31​ @prurientpuddlejumper​ @madamsnape921​ @joanofarkansass​

(gif by @minidodds)

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Rafael shows his affection in a different way than most. He’s slow and unsteady while trying to open up to you. He needs your help (and patience) to let more of his affectionate side out. He’s definitely a gift giver, showering you with expensive gifts, or a fancy dinner, or a high-class show. But the more he gets used to you, the more he’ll switch from gift giver to physical touch. Cuddling with you, rubbing your calves or shoulders, playing with your hair.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

It started at work, whether you’re a paralegal, lawyer, or detective. You had a particularly snarky response to Rita, leaving her speechless (for once), and Rafael was quick to find out if that was a fluke or if you were that quick-witted. As much as Rafael seems like an egotistical jerk, he’s actually a very good friend. He’s the one you can vent to, or go get a nightcap with, no matter what time it is. He also has amazing advice for almost all situations.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

At first, you have to initiate it. Rafael does love it, but he’s afraid of looking too soft. Once he realizes you’re not running from him, then he’s incredibly touchy, wanting to hold you or be held by you at all times. He’s a big fan of laying on the couch, with you laying on top of him, your body weight comforting.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Rafael wants to settle down, but he needs to be absolutely sure that you’re not going to leave him. He’s afraid of his heart being broken again. But, once you’re in, he’s in, too. He’s been used to cooking for himself for a long time, so he begrudgingly likes it. That is, until he sees how you light up at eating his food; then he likes it more. He hates cleaning—his motto is if nothing is dirty, he doesn’t have to clean. He’s very much a “clean up after yourself” person, his loft immaculate. You don’t mind doing dishes, since he cooks, and you normally do the laundry, but only because Rafael barely has dirty laundry. And if he does, it goes to dry cleaning—except for the odd polo shirt or sweats.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

In person. Rafael has a tight-lipped grimace, upset that it didn’t work out. He’ll stay strong, but you can tell that this hurts him as much—if not more—than it hurts you. He’ll also go to your place to do it, so that if you cry, you’re not out in public, nor do you have to travel home.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

It takes Rafael a while to get married. He moves much slower in a relationship, afraid that if he goes too fast, you’ll be close enough to hurt him. But, once you get past his walls, he’s pretty quick to do the other things, such as moving in together and planning a future.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

At first, Rafael’s not gentle. He doesn’t go out of his way to hurt you or anything, but his sarcasm and arrogance has been a defense mechanism for so long, it’s hard to abandon it. Plus, his public self is what he thinks people want from him, so he hides behind that façade. But again, once you can get him to lower those walls, then you’ll find a hurt, emotional man. That’s when he’s most gentle; when he’s vulnerable.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Shockingly, Rafael is a big hugger! Since he’s too afraid to cuddle too quickly, he makes it up with hugs. He wraps his arms around your shoulders, tugging you against his chest, nuzzling into the crook of your neck. His solid body is comforting, especially with that citrusy cologne he wears.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It takes Rafael a long, long, long time for him to admit he loves you, even to himself. You can say it, and he’ll get choked up, hugging you close and kissing your cheek. He mutters something, and you assure him that he doesn’t have to say it back if he doesn’t want to; you understand. But he shows you that he loves you in every little thing he does. He may also write it down on a sticky note—left on the mirror when he goes in early—before he says it out loud.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Rafael gets very jealous, but it quickly changes to insecurity. What do they have that he doesn’t? Then he’ll start listing his faults in his mind, and it makes him even more sad. If he gets you back before the insecurity happens—while he’s still jealous—then he’s pushing you against the wall and reminding you who you belong to. If you come back to him when his insecurity is running wild, then you need to remind him that you love him, and only him.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Rafael’s kisses are soft, tender, and somewhat desperate…as if you’re going to pull away from him at any moment. (I wrote a HC about his kisses here). He likes to kiss your forehead; he feels it’s more intimate. But also your spine; he loves the feeling of you moving against his mouth. He loves when you kiss his tum—he’s a little insecure about that section of his body, so when you kiss him there? He melts.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Babies…not great. Rafael has no paternal instincts at all and he doesn’t know how to interact with them. But once they start talking, and understanding what he’s saying, he’s better. He’s the type of guy that talks to children as if they’re people, treating them with respect. And he loves to teach them things (especially things that will shock adults).

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Usually, you don’t spend mornings together. Rafael is a “sleep as much as possible, shower, work” person. He’ll kiss your shoulder before rolling out of bed, and he’ll have coffee ready for you for when you get up. Though, if it’s a day off, then Rafael stays in bed with you, cuddling, kissing, and whispering sweet words.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

You both take nights to catch up with each other’s days. One (or both) of you will massage the other’s neck, since that’s where all the stress builds up. And then it’s cuddles o’clock, both of you wrapped around each other as you eat dinner and relax.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Rafael holds his cards close to the chest. But, by doing that, you start to learn about him indirectly. You notice that he only ever talks about his mother, and never mentions his father. You notice that he’ll apologize for something that wasn’t his fault. You notice that he tries a little too hard. You never mention these things to him, but you tuck it away, and are patient with him.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Rafael is easily annoyed but not easily angered. He’s very much a logic > emotions person, and will try and tackle any argument head on, using logic and facts. The things that get him angry, though, are usually work related. He may snap at you after a particularly rough day, but you know he doesn’t mean it.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Contrary to popular belief, Rafael’s mind is a steel trap (in Twenty-Five Acts, the belt thing was mentioned once in passing, and Rafael quickly moved on to something else without even acknowledging it). His downfall is remembering what day it is. He may know your birthday is June 3rd, but when he looks at the calendar and sees it’s June 2nd, he panics and calls in favors to make sure he has a reservation at a fancy restaurant.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

When he took you to a Broadway show. He had his arm wrapped around you, holding you to his chest as you watched—a show he’d seen a thousand times, but loved. But, when he heard you quietly singing to yourself, his heart melted. He had no idea you knew the songs, and afterwards, you both walked down the street, singing the songs together. Rafael only ever sang to his mami and abuelita…and now you.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Rafael goes above and beyond for dates and anniversaries. They’re few and far in between, and it’s to make up for ignoring you during the work week (not that you see it as him ignoring you; he’s just busy. But he thinks the worst). Every day tasks aren’t super over-the-top like dates, but he enjoys your company; you calm him after the stress of his work.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Rafael’s list of importance goes; 1) work, 2) family, 3) you. He’ll always choose work over you (unless you’re in the hospital or something, but then he uses work to get the bastard who put you there). And he’ll always choose his mami over you, as well. This has never been a problem (except for maybe some missed date nights), but the quicker you can accept that, the better.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Rafael is a fashionista at heart. This poor boy growing up in the Bronx, and now shining as a Harvard grad, has an appearance to maintain. He never felt like he “belonged” with the elites he often sees at parties and galas, but the longer he can fool them, the better.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

At first, he doesn’t need you. He’s too afraid to give you so much of himself, and he’s afraid to let you in. But once you make your way into his heart, he finds himself depending on you more and more, whether as just someone whose arms he can collapse into, or someone who will listen to him rant.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

One of Rafael’s favorite things is at night, when you’re in the kitchen (whether doing dishes or getting a drink), he’ll wrap his arms around your waist. He rests his chin on your shoulder, then sways with you. He kisses your neck and chin, making you giggle and melt further back into him. He’ll keep it up until you stop what you’re doing and turn in his arms, giving him a kiss and dancing with him.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Rafael doesn’t like clingy. He wants someone independent, as he is. He works a lot, and won’t always be there, so he wants someone who has their own life outside of him. He also doesn’t like messy people—he’s a bit of a neat freak, and he’s not going to be cleaning up after you.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Many nights, Rafael will work until he’s exhausted. He’ll go through his nightly routine before murmuring a “goodnight” and collapsing onto the bed. Though, nights like those, if you lay down close enough to him, he’ll eventually find you in his sleep and wrap around you.

[betelguwuse]

I’m starting to think maybe I don’t want to get married. Hypothetically I’d love to be in a godly marriage with a man who respects me and sees me as the person that God does (and not only me but women as a whole), but realistically do christian men like that even exist? Mainstream christianity, especially gender discourse, is so watered down and twisted into something that’s more political than biblical. I feel like this is gonna piss off both the christians and feminists, even though I’m both (though some might say I’m not a real feminist, whatever idc lol). Might also tag as Side B because I feel like this is also maybe a Side B mood? But here goes.

Color coded by vague topic, bolded so it’s easier to read.

Like I recently heard of a pastor being criticized for saying it’s a woman’s duty to look good for her husband, and the boomer conservatives were acting like criticisms of this pastor was the end of christianity. There’s no way “looking good” in a biblical sense was anything more than basic hygiene, nowhere near the beauty standards of today; and that is if the idea of looking good for your husband is even in the bible. These people siding with the pastor were saying that any woman who doesn’t shave or hide her “flaws” with makeup or basically completely embody the tradwife meme are bad wives. Like what the literal hell.

Honestly the entire tradwife aesthetic seems to be the goal for a lot of young christian couples, when it’s not inherently biblical. I used to be into it myself because heck yeah staying home, housekeeping, taking care of children, and wearing cute flowery dresses sounds like a dream. But my goals aren’t universal! Some women don’t want kids. Some women want to work. Good and God-honoring women of the bible didn’t all have kids and stay home. I mean the timeline of the bible spans so long, so yeah maybe there were times when most women did. But that doesn’t mean women who didn’t were bad wives or lesser women. Not to mention there’s such a blurred line currently between cute tradwife lifestyle and creeps who fetishize the idea of a traditional (and by traditional they mean submissive) wife. Gross.

Another thing too many christian men do is say women can’t be in any position of power in the church. There is the whole specific issue of whether or not women should be the highest up actual pastor of the church, and I don’t know enough about that whole debate to validate or debunk it, but I’m not talking about that specifically here. Aside from that one position, a lot of christians think women can only teach other women and girls but not guys, even like literal child boys. That’s so weird, like imagine thinking a little boy has more authority than, or even equal to, a grown woman? Couldn’t be me. And this whole idea comes from an out of context “I do not permit women to speak in the church” from a regular human guy. And the reason he said this was that the women around him were spreading heresy. I still think it’s flawed logic to exclude all women from speaking in that situation just because most of them were wrong, but again, this wasn’t a command from God. This was just a guy recording his church experience and doing his flawed human best to manage it. Various women throughout the actual bible outside of this one leader’s timeline held positions of power in various churches. And modern day american christian men think biblical womanhood is all about subservience? Bro what bible are you reading?

I just want to make it clear that these are all just generalizations, but having been in various actual biblical communities and conservative christian communities, I can kinda pick up on the general sexist behaviors of the latter. But unfortunately in today’s political climate more and more young christians are only being exposed to political opinions that are surface level americanized good christian morals, but not actually biblical.

Even on top of that, even if a man knows of these biblical misconceptions, we live in a society. Like we’re constantly exposed to women’s sexualization, and it’s pretty impossible to escape that. I don’t want to spend my life with someone who’s grown up in a world where women are seen as weak, objects, pleasure machines, etc. And yeah we can unlearn these biases (honestly I hate the word unlearn but I can’t think of a substitute rn), but it feels like a hassle to casually figure out whether a guy can make an effort to understand what women go through, and if I were to just bring it up I’d scare them away. And that’s not to say I’m some perfect person who’s never sexualized men, we are all sinners after all and we live in a fallen world etc etc. But a whole society where women are so objectified that it’s normal for little boys to be watching porn, that just doesn’t really happen with little girls. I can’t speak for all women, but when I started seeing men sexually it was in my late teens when I realized like ‘oh I can sexualize men too? wild. ok I’m an adult lemme check it out’. Still sinful, but not ingrained in me from porn ads as a kid the way most young boys have been since like the creation of the internet.

Even the men currently in my life who genuinely want what’s best for me are so incredibly misogynistic it’s baffling. My male family members see any woman who breaks an imaginary dress code or ideology is some kind of deviant. I just want to make it clear that this is MY family and I’M the only one who gets to complain about them. We all love each other here even if the males are horribly wrong.

So I shaved my head for halloween and my dad could barely look at me, not because he was exactly mad or anything but just because I looked ugly to him. He always says ‘close the windows in your apartment because men will spy on you changing’ but after my hair was gone he was all ‘actually don’t bother because nobody will look at you looking like that’ like wow I wasn’t aware men only sexualized women for their hair. Like you really think a gross creeper is gonna be turned off by a fully naked oblivious vulnerable woman just because she’s bald? That’s not how any of this works. And just today my sister was watching a goth youtuber egirl or something, I didn’t see her makeup but my dad said stuff like ‘ew why does she look like that, maybe it’d be cool as a costume but how is she going to get a job’. Like, I’m not one to go ‘women don’t wear makeup for men’ (because most women who only use makeup to hide their insecurities and follow beauty standards very much just do it so they don’t get backlash from others, if not directly to please men), but when it’s a fun crazy look that’s not meant to be pretty, I’m all for that shit and generally I hate when men lose respect for a woman just for wearing something they don’t like. Like fashion isn’t real and your appearance should be as costumey or weird as you want without people losing respect for you. Also like...do men know that makeup isn’t permanent?? Like if she wanted a job that required no makeup she could easily wipe her face off and get one?? Not only that, but people can work from home and/or be self employed. Maybe youtube itself was this girl’s job. Who the hell cares man. And the worst thing here is my brother outright said one time “the root cause of feminism is pride”. B r u h. And this was back when I considered myself an anti-feminist, even then I knew that feminism started for good reason and I was absolutely furious. I think I kept it to myself like a coward lol, but if anyone said that to me now I’d tear them apart. In a debate I mean, not like literal violence.

Tldr: I’m not trying to say men are inherently more evil because there’s evil in everyone, but the way it takes shape in men in most societies is so insidious and inescapable. I love my family and guy friends, but I don’t want to deal with one in a romantic/sexual relationship because I don’t know if even the most educated and goodest christian boi in this world can see me as a true equal. It sucks because I want sex and children, but when the mainstream idea of hetero sex is female submission, it just makes me shrivel up and contemplate becoming a nun. I’m not even catholic. But even nuns are sexualized and degraded in coomer’s disgusting brains. In conclusion I’m going feral and starting my own woman-only church in the woods let’s go ladies.

[youwontlikethisblog]

I'm not a woman of my word lol

LMBO SCREW IT I'LL TALK ABOUT MORE THAN ONCE SCENE JUST DON'T EXPECT IT TO BE GOOD(honestly I want to binge watch the entire show but then see one thing and I'm like this deserves an entire post!)

Betty brings him his caldo and he gets in the way and takes it from her hands and thanks her. The phone rings and she rushes to her office and Mario mocks him by saying "Oh but she spoils you" Armando then turns to look at Betty's office like he realized that she is like that with him.

However the moment is ruined, remember again how when Mario told Armando that Nicolas was after their money even then Armando didn't want to continue with the plan but now that he hears Betty's conversation with Nicolas all of a sudden 'it's for the good for the company I must make her fall in love'. This clashes stupidly with the actions before.

"Ay Betty, I don't know if I woke up with my liver or brain because everything is still party, praty, point is I woke up with a pretty bad hangover."

Betty not once has gotten mad, showed annoyance or really indicated to Armando that she personally cares about him and his hangover as she tells him that the caldo is only because he needs to be on his best for the sake of the company's benefit.

Now Armando hears Betty upset with Nicolas over his drinking as she says:

"Ay no, Nicolas. Don't tell me you started to drink with him."

Nicolas goes on to say he is an easy prey to peer pressure and that the word no is not in his vocab that if she sees it floating around there to send it his way.

"I just don't like for you to go into those kinds of places where you spend it drinking." now Armando seems annoyed and Mario looks at him shocked at what he's hearing.

Armando and Mario have now first hand witnessed the dynamic of Nicolas and Betty in the work world. Nicolas informs Betty of the situation Eco Moda/Terra Moda is facing and Betty calls the shots. Just like Betty had told them two days before.

So it shouldn't be a cause of concern as now Betty proceeds to tell them exactly what went down, again showing that they are trustworthy.

I don't have to explain once more who is concerned and worry about who and what. *See the Betty, My Betty posts 1-3

Mario then tells Armando(After he[Mario] sent off a guilty Betty to get some paperwork from Marcela) that he doesn't like that Nicolas is becoming friends with the lawyers and he needs to prepare for a sober night with Betty.

Armando doesn't say anything.

Again, it could not be more clear who is actually distrusting in this situation.

Betty walks into Marcela's office and after she sees she's busy she goes off on a daydream, more like a day-nightmare as we see the penance of her guilty conscious accuse her in the form of Marcela.

As Betty returns to their offices Patty stops her and asks when she's getting her paycheck, to which Betty replies that she doesn't know but sometime that weekend and goes to Armando's office.

In there she gently shuts the door and in a low tone tells him that Marcela didn't have the papers. Armando now turns away from her and gives her his back, again this could show guilt but also anger(that she showed more concern over Nic being hungover than him) as he doesn't want to see her. Betty then proceeds to ask him if he's alright to which he replies that he has a hellish headache.

Betty tells him she'll get him some pain relief and picks up the tray of dishes to take with her. In this moment as Betty nears the door Patty opens the doors loudly and starts to yell.

Betty looks mad at Patty as she is yelling at Armando.

Why does she?

Betty has been very, extremely, attentive to Armando, more than the usual. She's taken notice of his demeanor, respected his evasiveness, spoken in a more hushed voice, gotten him food to get him to feel better, hasn't made much noise knowing that he's hungover and trying to keep his office peaceful and calm as well as instantly telling him she'd get him some relief for his headache but in an instant all of her efforts to keep him well are brought down by Patty who goes to at yell at him for her paycheck.

One: well she legit threw away all her work to keep Armando at peace

Two: she doesn't like that Patty is yelling at him and accusing her.

"[...] Betty when will it be possible to pay this...bleach blonde?"

Betty clears her throat and gently speaks "until this weekend. I had already talked to her about it, Sir."

More talking, Armando asks Betty to bring him what she promised and she tells him "right away" and leaves, Patty then pushes her away and Betty gently shuts his office doors.

She returns with the alka-seltzer and a glass of water for him and sets it in front of him. He once again keeps his eyes low.

Betty jokingly tells him that she warn him not too drink too much and now he's got a bad hangover and she laughs lightly. She then tells him she'll go get the paperwork from Marcela once more and asks if Mario has his too.

As she leaves the office Armando looks in pain because of his headache and again, guilty.

Betty stands outside Marcela's office door as she hear her and Patty talk bad about how she's dressed and how embarrassing it must've been for Armando to be seen with her the night before. They start to insult her and downplay Betty and she visibly looks upset but not in a sad way but angry.

This pushes Betty to not feel guilty over the entire situation(affair to be) with Armando.

This is her first mistake.

Her second being she is permitting herself to be involved and a willing participant in an affair with an engaged man. Armando isn't the only one to blame about this. They are both responsible and at fault for the dissolving of a (toxic) relationship and engagement. Did he make the first advances? Yes but at the end when the ball was in her court she willinging decided to throw her shot. This was her biggest sin, up to this point.

Betty is now talking about the sales report that Marcela gave her and the money they have to pay the banks. She then tells him that she'd like to talk to Mario regarding his reports. Armando has his shades, covering with his hand around his eyes, again he isn't able to make eye contact with Betty and doesn't want her to see him.

He then removes his shades and while explaining that Mario might be busy he tries to make eye contact but again looks away from her.

They both agree to wait for Mario and FINALLY after everything that has happened they make eye contact.

The previous times that Armando and Betty have had to wait for someone to call, or show up to the office Betty stared at Armando who would then catch her and tell her to get going or basically kicked her out of his office however this time it plays out differently.

They make eye contact for a minute or so.

While Armando is tense but staring at Betty she starts to get fidgety in her seat and says "I'll go wait in my office, Sir."

This time Betty is the one that removes herself and not Armando basically kicking her out or sending her away from him.

(I just realized I finished my cheese crackers and this makes me sad)

Armando then calls Mario to please get to his office that he can't be by himself with Betty anymore.

Now something happened with Sofia bla bla bla.

Mario shows up at Armando's office and asks if anything has happened, if she has exceeded herself with bla bla bla and Armando tells him that nothings happened.

"She talks about the banks, the payroll, about the loans, she talks about everything minus what we need to talk about." Armando (WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE KISS WITH BETTY HE WANTS TO BE VULNERABLE WITH HER. Okay now that my irrational side has let lose let's get to the objective writer side.) displays a classic behavior of confusion and sadness.

"Which is?" Mario shrugs.

"Well what happened last night. Calderon, I don't know if this is right or wrong but I'm starting to feel really awful. I feel really uncomfortable when I'm by myself with her. The only thing she's scolded me for is this hellish hangover I've got."

Armando isn't scared that Betty is going to take advantage of him or cross lines. He feels uncomfortable because Betty won't talk about it, like it's not a big deal or important to her. He feels uncomfortable with the silence of it all and he's having to fill in the blanks.

Now Marcela and Sofia are talking about about Jasmine and Sofia getting fired.

The other day I was writing a draft for Armando's toxic behavior(I said I'd write a post dedicated to just his toxic/abusive tendencies) and hit this wall of realization. While to some degree I connect with Marcela being a victim of gaslighting, to another it's really hard to understand why she is in the relationship even though she shows no sign of insecurity or bad self-image/worth or threaten to stay. See when I was in this terrible toxic friendship I was gaslit to the point that their perception of me became mine I still remember the exact day I looked at myself in the mirror and broke down in tears calling myself ugly(I'm fine now lol) and I still remember the feelings I felt every time I was given the cold-shoulder and silent treatments as a form of punishment for calling the out on their lies while having witnesses(Now I wasn't a saint sometimes my anger would blind me and I'd say pretty mean stuff. This is why I call it a toxic friendship). To this day I feel shame for that and find ways to blame myself for it all. Gaslighting isn't just manipulation it is the warping of someone's reality and their understanding of the world surrounding them. It really messes you up.

So as much as I want to be understanding of Marcela and find excuses as to why she stays that don't have to do with her ego, I can't.

The thing is that when you are a victim of abuse you don't have an ego. You don't stay with the person because you believe they're the only person you'll ever love, no, you stay because you believe they are the only person who will ever love you and these are two very different mindsets.

In this episode you can see that. Marcela doesn't have bad self-image or self-worth. She thinks she's above the women that Armando sleeps with. She believes she's above Betty. She has a pretty big ego. She often places herself before anyone. She takes Armando's decisions as personal attacks which means she believes to be the center of his universe. All of these are characteristics of someone with a big ego. She doesn't compare herself to Armando's conquest but rather blames them for his affairs. They're the bad ones because they decided to sleep with him(yes they are to blame because they are aware of his relationship statues but so is Armando and she needs to hold that fool accountable as well) because Armando is just a fool who likes to shove it where he can, as long as they've got statues. She knows Armando has a strict palate for women and the fact the he is marrying her means she's the best of the best, even with affairs being involved.

I can go on and on about this which is why I'm dedicating a post to Marcela just about this(It's in my drafts. I need to watch the rest of the show to really understand her character. I don't just want to be like "Marcela is the only abuser" because she's not. ) Anyway this scene just reminded me of that because here she displays that boastful attitude as she tells Sofia to behave and have dignity regarding Jasmine working there and that she'll talk to Guti Guti regarding the cuartel being fired for standing with Sofia but that she'll accept Betty's resignation letter.

(Honestly watching Bertha eat Ruffles makes me crave them rn)

The ending of this episode is Marcela kissing Armando good-bye and telling him she'll wait for him at her apartment.

This wasn't a heavily emotional episode so there isn't much to breakdown however the small bits we do get move the plot forward and are details that are important to the coming episodes.

The one scene I am really looking forward to breaking down, that totally highlights this whole "Armando is in denial" plot is the one where he fights Roman and his friends.

But until then I'll see y'all next time!

[everafterkeiji]

Song: This Love by Camila Cabello

Summary: Love has so many definitions yet Oikawa never gave you the right ones.

Pairings: Tooru Oikawa x gn!reader

Word count: 4.5k

Tags,Genre: toxic relationships, angst, dozens of cuss words, manipulation

A/N: i promise i love oikawa- pls reblog & comment if u enjoyed!

Was it one of those nights again? The nights where everything is crumbling apart and you're holding onto someone who is broken as well.

Still, you find yourselves testing what it means to be in love.

"I can't keep watching you destroy yourself, Tooru!" You shout as he stands up from the bed then standing in front of you, his power towering over you.

"I'm doing completely fine, Y/N! What part of that don't you understand?!" He shouts back, with a tone stronger and louder one fighting yours.

I'm tired of meeting in the middle.

"Tooru- I support you but if I have to see you fucking lose yourself over a game then I can't handle it anymore!" He lets out a bitter laugh, backing away from you to stare you down. Each part of your body was trembling and his did the same. His body was drained from exhaustion and yours reeked of pain.

"Support me? Then fucking stop already! You said you'd always be there for me and now you're switching shit up?" He says, the drug in your veins fading while your hand trembles at the peak of his voice.

"I stuck to my promise Oikawa! What about you? Didn't you promise you'd always make time for me?" You asked- a slight crack in your voice remembering how tender he used to say these pretty promises.

"Well isn't that just so fucking selfish of you to assume I could make that happen."

He turns his back to you while your jaw was down to the floor, your eyes wide with tears streaming down every second and a heart snapped in half.

"You don't get to call me selfish when I was never a priority to you in the first place!"

Oikawa hesitates to look at you.

He knows what he'll see. A sight of you he's seen multiple times yet it always punches him in the gut with how he's aware that it was because of him.

How many broken pieces of your heart did you have to walk on for you to admit that he never puts you first?

If it was a battle on whose selfish, the king knows he's at the top.

"What the fuck? I tried Y/N! I'm always coming to your fucking rescue and it makes me hate the way you need me." He pities himself. He knew how low it was for him to say, your emotions are always valid to him- he treasures them because you hid them from him when you met, how hard it was to be open to these emotions with one person.

He was that person that you regretted ever being vulnerable to knowing he turns them like knives, striking you in each body part.

"Do you know how many times I had to ask myself if I needed you? God- you were so busy all the time I had to push away my own feelings for you, Tooru!" Your knees felt weak when you remembered how many times you've broken down without a shoulder to lean on. He should've been there- a call away whenever your tears came to you but knowing how he'd never let the game go, you threw away your sorrows to make sure his smile stays on.

"If you needed space, then just walk away!" He shouts, he runs a hand through his locks as he takes a seat back onto the mattress.

I did and each mile I went, I returned to you.

"Go on then- cause it's obvious we need it both!" You closed your eyes as you gripped the strap or your bag, ready to turn your heel on him.

But the flow of love in your veins insisted you to stay, to fix the relationship that was never complete.

"Tooru." You called out for him, desperate to touch him and forget everything.

But he pulls away.

"Just go, Y/N." He whispers, finally the soreness of his throat was growing on him. He still couldn't dare to look at you, he knows that his eyes would give away that he wasn't man that you wished him to be.

For the first time, loving him wasn't something you could endure anymore.

-

The next day comes in and Mattsukawa finds you in the corner of the empty classroom, with your sobs resonating in his ears.

"Y/N?" He calls out for you while he immediately rushes to your side, gripping both your arms, fearful that something happened to you on your way to school.

"I-Issei- hi." You stuttered in finding a way to replace the sadness in your voice.

"Did something happen? It's just me, Y/N." He says softly, caressing your arm as you wipe your tears with the sleeve of your uniform.

Oikawa wasn't there to walk with you in the morning.

What makes it better is that you couldn't sleep last night.

Now, you were scared. When somebody finally shows you concern, you want to cower away thinking that it'd be a waste of their time.

Selfish, is the first word that comes into your head.

"Nothing happened. I didn't get any sleep last night- I'm just really stressed out I'm so sorry." You said looking down, while Mattsukawa sighs sadly, taking you in his arms and patting your head.

"That's fine, Y/N. I can always help you with your studies if you really can't do them anymore."

What help is there for a heart covered in thorns?

"Thanks, Issei." You whispered while he pulls away from the hug, to rest his hand on your shoulder.

How easy it was to mask your feelings.

"It's nothing, I'll walk you to class." You nodded as he protectively walks in front of you knowing no one would want people to see how they broke down.

Oikawa sees you and Mattsukawa as he walks with Iwaizumi. He notices the way your orbs looked lifeless with heavy bags underneath, the paleness of your lips and how you constantly look down.

He's in it for it again.

"Did you two fight?" Iwaizumi asks, Oikawas eyes met with yours and you look away instinctively while he feels a sting to his heart because your eyes held fear.

Iwaizumi let's out a sigh, the silence was enough to give him an answer. Hanamaki meets with you and Mattsukawa while Oikawa wondered if he should even approach you.

He's reached the line of boundaries where everything was just filled with pain. Exhaustion never mixes well with insecurities. A hard working person like him makes unchangeable decisions, like last night and maybe several weeks before that.

There was just a massive difference between his love for volleyball and his love for you.

But the amount that he gives to volleyball, should be the same amount that he gives to you.

This is what he struggles with the most.

How can he juggle all the things he love to meet at one point? He can't just expect you to be on the court while his passion drives the ball, and he can't have the ball in his hands when you're in class with him.

It's possible to meet in the middle, but he chooses not to.

As classes went on, the gap between you and Oikawa grows bigger. During lunch, where were you? With Hanamaki and Mattsukawa. Even a glance from him would hurt you and now he can see a clear view of how perfection turned into wreckage.

By the time, practice was about to start he jogs up to you in hopes of talking things out, even a way to just get a response from you.

It was completely unfair. He'd call you so many names without reason while you fought and never even named him a single ugly thing. It's all his fault. For being up in the gym too late, for loosing his appetite and his energy to the point where he drowned you in his challenges.

"Y/N hey-"

"I'm gonna go, Oikawa." You cut him off before he can even say anything else. He feels his the way his breath gets caught in his throat. You didn't even spare another second before turning your back on him with the intention of walking away.

His eyes widen before grabbing your arm softly as he tries to pull you to his embrace you stood your weight to the floor.

"Y/N- c'mon love.. talk to me." He whispers, his hand shaking as it held onto you. You tried to rip him off but instead he surrounds his arms around you, his head leaning on your shoulder, tears forming as he feels the cold atmosphere of your body.

"I can't keep waiting for the time where loving you doesn't hurt me, Tooru." You said quietly while he harshly closes his eyes and holds onto you even more.

"I'm so sorry- I promise I'll be here and you don't even need to question yourself- I- just come back to me..please." He pleaded, desperation in his voice while his tears streamed down on your clothes. You too looked away as a pool of your own tears were resurfacing.

"Tooru-"

"I'll be better- no I'll be the best for you. Everything Y/N- you're not selfish, never- I'm so fucking sorry." He digs his head into your neck even more while you tried your best to not let out a sob.

"You promise?" It was so little, like you didn't even want to say it because your expectations of love never met with reality. Sadly, Oikawa heard it yet there was a second where he hesitates and you took notice of that. How tiny of a detail makes you hold back on everything you wanted to say.

He removes his arms from behind you while he stands in front of you, now opposite to the power he had last night. It seems like it was your turn to have him this intimidated by the tension.

He takes your hands, caressing them, then holding them up to his face as he places sweet kisses on them. Some of his tears fell on your hand and he let them stay, while you hated how it was a genuine sign that he could be honest.

"I do, Y/N." You stared at him while he begs with his eyes. A single tear escapes your eye as it cascades down your cheek and wipes it away with his finger leaving traces on it.

You give him a nod and this sets his heart on fire.

His lips tug into a sad smile while he gently meets his forehead with yours, closing his eyes. He was more than thankful for another chance.

"I love you." He says, still with eyes closed, only focused on the beat of his heart syncing with yours.

Once again, the drug of love leaves a reaction in your body.

"I love you too."

-

Then the next few days, there was an ounce of hope.

Oikawa's nights were full of sleepless hours and what makes him stay awake is you, or at least how broken you were.

He couldn't help but imagine how you were in deep helplessness and you couldn't even gather the courage to call him because you thought he was more important than your own emotions. He imagines how you'd rather push your screams onto the pillow instead of voicing them out or even how you chose to smile for him after heavy hours of being accompanied by stress and insecurity.

It haunts him how he called you selfish, how he made you think that it was your fault for even being his- supporting him even. He needed you- he did but this thought is always surpassed by the fact that he always wanted to be number 1, to beat his own demons and the ever mocking Shiratorizawa.

He couldn't even remember where he took off practice to stay with you. He often visits your room to rest for a while but he barely gets to do that nowadays. During the mornings was his opportunity to give you a fraction of his time but something so simple he still forgets.

So, he makes up for it.

Even with the help of Iwaizumi, Oikawa goes home by 6pm so he spends the night with you even if it's for a few hours only. If he was going to prove himself to you, he'd do with a 100% of his body.

He was on the brim of losing you and he wasn't going to let himself be the reason for you to walk out of his life.

"What's wrong?" You asked as he laid in your lap, stroking his hair.

"I'm just happy that's all." You leaned your head on the pillow as he takes your hand, intertwining it with his kissing it once again.

There it was, the bad kind of butterflies that swarmed around you.

You wished you didn't forgive him that fast, it was nearly a day when you forgave him. The space that he mentioned basically meant nothing as he also gave in to it. He struck a nerve that day yet you went and took his apology like you've begged for it.

You did wanted to avoid him at all costs because there was never a moment where his insults didn't replay in your mind. You needed for him to realize that he had caused another split to your heart, what you didn't expect is for it to happen within hours.

You thought that Oikawa would've argued with his ego before he could talk it out but it happened so instantly that it didn't give you enough time to rethink your decision of forgiving him.

Oikawa held onto his ego but he had to remember his heart or else he would've dropped yours instead.

"It's getting late, Tooru. You should go." You said sighing before planting a kiss on his forehead. He smiles before sitting up and embracing you tight like you could slip any moment now. You had your arms wrapped around him as his slow breaths rested on your neck.

"I love you, Y/N." He says, holding on to you longer.

"You need to go Tooru-"

"Why don't we go on a date on Friday?" He asks pulling away from you. You raised an eyebrow at him as he chuckles.

"I need to spend more time with you." That's when it was your turn to smile, it felt so good to lift the heavy feeling off your chest, seeing that he's genuinely trying to be the best for you.

Your hand reaches for his cheek, your heart swelling with joy as you look at him while he leans in to your touch.

"I'd love that." He grins as he pampers your face with kisses at how excited he was to see the smile on your lips return. You let out fits of giggles as he continues to cover your faces with delicate pecks.

"Tooru- baby!" You shout as he laughs before placing both hands on either side of your face.

"Good night love, hopefully you don't dream of me this time?" He teases making you roll your eyes as you sneakily land a peck on his lips.

"That isn't too bad." You said chuckling as he kisses your lips while you smiled before allowing your lips to move with his. You pull away, flicking his forehead with your finger.

"Go." You said laughing, he gives you a pout before sighing and taking his bag from the floor.

"I'll see you on Friday then?"

"You'll see me tomorrow, Tooru."

"That's even better." He leaves with a smile on his face while what remains on yours were heated cheeks.

It was good to feel how love flowed in your bloodstream again, it wasn't bad to take in some of it's harshness from time to time.

-

"Really? Oikawa hasn't brought that up." You pout as Iwaizumi shrugs beside you, it was Friday and your boyfriend decided to miss it for some odd reason.

Iwaizumi brought up the topic of an upcoming match and that Oikawa saw an article of how Ushijima takes the crowd by storm again. He's never mentioned it to you but you did notice how he'd walk you home and instead of staying, he'd leave for some specific reasons.

"Anyway, will you be there?" Hanamaki asks, biting into his apple. You nodded of course. You couldn't miss the opportunity to see him outwit the opposite team again.

"I just hope he doesn't go crazy with training again, Wakatoshi taunts him even through a photo. I don't wanna see him- forget about his health." You wanted to say how you wanted to avoid arguments but the boys seem to agree to what you said knowing Oikawa oversteps his strength all the time.

"I'll watch over him." Iwaizumi says looking at you while you smile at him, grateful that if you weren't always there- it was Iwaizumi that you can count on.

"Thanks, Haji."

"Are you not worried about my health, Y/N?" Hanamaki says pouting making you laugh while Mattsukawa flicks his forehead with a straw.

After classes, home was calling your name for you to get ready on your date. There was the familiar feeling that kicks in, how you got excited when his name on your phone lights up the dark room, or when you see his jacket on your bed- it was back. The love bug has returned, how the first bite felt like love was overwhelming but you wanted to handle it.

God, you felt so silly- acting like one of his fan girls who got noticed by him. You were lucky enough to even obtain the title of being his so of course your heart nearly leaped out of your chest when he admitted his feelings to you. Though, it felt good. After the whole argument, you were scared if that feeling can ever come back now that it did- you were more than relieved.

-

The clock goes on as you wait for him to arrive.

Sure, it had been a good 20 minutes that passed but you were assuming that there'd be a meeting since there was a match coming up so you let your patience take over for a while.

But 20 minutes grew into an hour, and an hour turned into 2 more.

You couldn't even cry because you knew, it was too good to be true. Storming out your house changing out of the outfit you initially planned, you chose to dress into something more comfortable knowing it wasn't going to happen anyway.

You knew where to go.

As your feet lead you to the Seijoh gym, your heart was growing darker with each step.

Hearing the sound of volleyballs impacting on the floor, you already knew.

"Oikawa! Go home!" Iwaizumi shouts while the stubborn setter shakes his head, spiking another ball, out of breath as he do so.

You heard Iwaizumi loud and clear, that was enough for you to run back home, to never face his lies again.

Maybe you were a fool for lovebugs- but the bite wasn't to make you fall in love.

It was for you to stop.

"Go home, Oikawa. C'mon." Mattsukawa says sighing while the first years were already bidding them goodbye. Iwaizumi waves them off and tells them to rest well while Oikawa was still spiking to no end.

"I can't- I need to beat them." He says panting while the other third years share a look, remembering your words.

"What about Y/N?" Iwaizumi asks and it seems like this doesn't hit Oikawa like it's supposed to.

"Yeah, isn't it Friday? Aren't you guys supposed to be on a date?" The moment it leaves Hanamakis mouth, Oikawa stops. Iwaizumi sighs in annoyance when he sees the way his best friends expression drop with shock.

"You forgot didn't you?" Mattsukawa asks and suddenly he's brought back to the moment where he found you crying, now realizing that it was to put up the fact that Oikawa was the only reason.

Suddenly, the silence of the gym surrounded him like a tight space while his mind went at war for his mistake.

"Fuck! I- I have to go." Oikawa stutters as he immediately grabs his bag but before he leaves, he sees how disappointed his teammates looked at him. He looks away as he runs to cut the distance between you and him.

"This isn't going to be good for the both of them." Iwaizumi says sighing before picking up a few stray balls. The other two agree sadly but they hope that you two would be able to withstand the issue.

But Mattsukawa feels like you were at the tip of the cliff already.

After a few minutes, dozens of knocks awoke you from your corner as you knew who was at the other end.

"Y/N? Let me in please.." He begs through the door as you felt the tears continue to drip down your cheeks. You closed your eyes as Oikawa leans his head on the door, praying you'd open it.

And you did.

Your heart was numb, your eyes were giving out but watching him stand there made you feel alive, because you knew this was the last time you'll ever let the drug of love fool you again.

"Y/N- I'm so sorry I just we had a project and-"

"I didn't think you'd still lie to me." You said with a dry voice as his heart was pinned by your words.

"I didn't even know there'd be a match." You added, chuckling bitterly as Oikawa bites his lip looking down. You let out another laugh, the red hue of love was fading in your system turning into a deeper shade of how you've let the toxicity slip from your notice.

"I'm so fucking sorry-"

"Tell me then, can beating Ushijima bring you everything you've ever wanted?"

He was quiet. You put him in a spot where he shows too much hesitation that you wished you didn't even ask in the first place.

"And if you won, I guess that's when you can realize to put your health first." You continued stepping forward as his eyes looked at your exhausted ones.

You surprised him by tugging onto his shirt, gripping it with every might left in your body. You held him because there was nothing else for you to hold onto.

You tried to grab the last thread of love strapped in your body but it seems to have been cut when you saw him at the gym.

He didn't know if he could hold you because this a whole other side of you he prays to never see again. He just wanted the warmth of your skin on him but why was it that you felt the coldest to him?

"So please tell me, what do I have to do for you to stop choosing me?"

You said this with every timbre of your voice trembling as you land a firm punch to his chest then turning your back to him, letting out a sob.

"I understand, Tooru. God- I always have and it fucking sucks that I know I can't do anything about it." Oikawa looks at you, adrenaline rushing to his heart when it sinks in.

"I can't choose, Y/N. You're making this hard for me because I love both." His voice cracks at the idea of choosing between you and a sport he's loved since he was a kid. His dreams that he wants nothing more then to happen, while he visualizes a possible future with you.

"I've always known what you'd choose, I just wish I fucking knew when I needed to stop believing that it could be me." You were defeated and naïve, you should've known that it would bring you to this conversation over and over again. You tilt your head, harshly gasping for air as you sniffle, the heaviness of your eyes taunting you to sleep the pain away in hopes it'd be a dream instead.

"Y/N stop fucking saying that- you're acting like I didn't try and give you everything that I could!" He yells, his own eyes brimming up tears. You were surprised to hear this but seeing how his cheeks and ears were painted red, you knew that he's been trying to release all the things he wanted to say.

"And I did the same yet you always turn it on me, Tooru! All I've been saying is that I just wanted you to make me feel like I could be at the top of your list- even for a second but I just keep getting played over and over again." You rambled on and what makes you crack under the pain was a scoff.

"You knew what game you were playing, why didn't you stop?" He didn't attempt to stare at you since his question felt like it was mocking you.

You should've left. The moment where the crowd cheers for him while your shouts became the weakest, you should've known.

Oikawa did too.

He thought you would've gone and walked away when you had the chance but what shocks him is that you stayed. There's a voice in his head that tells him that what you two had can never remain permanent but he held onto his beliefs that he could make you stay no matter how difficult the game was.

"Because I fucking love you too much Tooru! God if I could just- get it out of my fucking veins then maybe I could realize how I've gone into a trap instead." You shouted, walking towards him with both your eyes wishing for it to be over.

"What trap are you talking about Y/N! I love you just as much as you did and I tried to make things work but it- isn't working anymore." His voice fades with his ending sentence while you've gone to a corner, sobbing and sliding off the wall, sitting on the floor as every ounce of love dies on you when you hear him.

"I don't know- it's a word that I can never know what it means- I can admit that it is scary." You said looking at the night sky, with your knees to your chest as Oikawa smiles fondly at your words.

"What's so scary about falling in love?"

You look at him before answering.

"Everything."

"Maybe I can show you that it can be beautiful." He says, staring into your orbs. You smiled at his words before resting your hand on top of his while he blushes before intertwining them.

"What if it hurts?" You ask him, adjusting your position as you listened to his convincing words.

"Love always hurts." He says sadly, chuckling in order to ease how bitter it was. He sees how your reaction didn't falter because you knew it was true, so with his hand lifting your chin to meet his eyes, he speaks.

"But that doesn't mean I can't take some of the pain away."

You felt Oikawas presence beside you as he leans his head on your shoulder closing his eyes as two people were tired of ripping each others heart.

"Maybe you should set me free." You whispered, your voice gave out, like your last words. Oikawa sucks in a harsh breath as you close your own eyes and he sees the final tear fall from your cheek.

"But I really don't want to."

[jennana501]

Attachment and the Jedi Way

SPOILERS FOR THE MANDALORIAN AND STAR WARS REBELS

I always know a story is quality when what I want to say about it to my mother and sisters is too difficult to text, and I have to drive over and talk with them in person. Such was the case when I watched the Mandalorian Chapter 13. There were so many juicy details, plot developments, and general excitement about the long awaited appearance of one of our favorite Star Wars characters that I couldn’t stand being restricted by phone when I wanted to gush a million things. We were all so stunned with the emotion of her appearance. Truly a moment I will remember for the rest of my life. 

But after all the sweet outer frosting on the Chapter 13 cake had been licked clean, I dove into the center of this delectable episode and began to savor in its indulgent but substantial core. I have many thoughts about Thrawn, where Rex can be (is he dead or alive?) and where the season is going to go from there. What has interested me the most is Ahsoka’s reaction to our newly named green baby friend, Grogu. 

First I must say how much I love Rosario Dawson’s performance. I feel she knows who Ahsoka is and what she has gone through. I am reminded of little ‘Soka in her very first appearance in the Clone Wars animated movie when she takes care of the way less loveable baby Hutt. Seeing that she is  charmed by Grogu and that she clearly thinks he is cute makes me feel all sorts of warm fuzzies. Their very mythical and silent conversation in the moonlight shows how in tune with the force Ahsoka has become and that Grogu himself is much more than meets the eye. 

And yet when it comes to it, Ahsoka says she cannot train Grogu. The reason: his attachment to Din. I was surprised at first. Ahsoka does not see herself as a Jedi, at least as far as her association with the order that raised and trained her. I didn’t think I’d hear about attachment from someone who has forgone the Jedi way, especially since Ahsoka appears to have indulged in an attachment or two.

I immediately realized she was on to something. I recall Grogu’s moments of using the force: saving Din from the mudhorn; using the Force to save everyone from a giant fireball; Force healing Greef Karga; and Force choking Cara Dune. The latter example stands out to me as being the most violent use of the Force we see from little Grogu. He perceives that Din is in danger and acts against what we now know is his training to hurt someone in a manner that is often consistent with the dark side. 

Sure he is innocent and adorable. But he is also dangerous. And Ahsoka is right. It’s his attachment to Din that turns him from benevolent force using baby, to emotionally fueled deadly force bomb.

But I’ve seen Star Wars Rebels. I know that a Jedi can have relationships with other people and not turn to the dark side. You can love and still listen to the will of the Force. The Jedi were wrong. So I’m here to look into what attachment is, how you can love and not have attachment, and how Grogu might still become a Jedi, or at least the new wave sort of Jedi. 

First we must look at the poster child for attachment issues: Anakin Skywalker. The Clone Wars TV show could be renamed- Star Wars: Attachment and How it Disrupts Nearly Every Mission the Republic Assigns Anakin. He prioritizes Padme, Ahsoka, R2, and even Obi-wan over everything else. He is constantly  defying the orders of his commanders and putting the mission in danger. 

This all comes down to what happened to Anakin’s mother. 

When Anakin is taken from Tatooine, he has to leave his mother behind, with whom he shares a strong bond and attachment. When he is brought before the council and they say “he is too old”, what it really means is “he has already attached himself to something other than the Force.” Why else would being “too old” matter? The Jedi prefer blank slates for a good reason. Very small children have not developed strong attachments.

Anakin does turn into Darth Vader, after all. 

It would appear the Jedi are very right to say that Anakin should not be trained. He is ripped away from his mother; the man who believes in him is killed; and he is forced to be trained by someone who treated him with bitter indifference. After losing his mother he has no help, no advice, no direction other than to stifle his negative emotions. 

So instead of processing his grief and finding peace, he latches onto Padme. This attachment he will never abandon. He trains harder and becomes more powerful to always be able to keep Padme alive. The guilt Anakin feels for not being able to save his mother gives fire and passion to his obsession with Padme. And this obsession slowly erodes their relationship. 

Anakin says things like “There’s nothing more important than the way I feel about you.” (Hostage Crisis) During the Mortis Arc when he sees a vision of his mother, they have this conversation: 

“The only love I feel in my heart is haunted by what would happen should I let go.” 

“Then it is not love. It is a prison.” 

“But I have a wife…she’s everything to me.” 

“She’s not your destiny.” 

“But I love her.” 

We see the very ugly side of Anakin’s obsession and jealousy in the arcs that involve Clovis. Anakin's insecurities are valid, but they simply drive home the point that his attachment to Padme will eventually unravel him and lead to violence. 

Anakin and Obi-wan have a very interesting conversation during the episode “The Rise of Clovis” that reveals that Obi-wan is worried for Anakin and senses Anakin’s anger pitted towards the man he perceives as his rival. 

Obi-wan: Master Yoda is feels that your judgements concerning Rush Clovis are clouded. 

Anakin: I believe he can’t be trusted.

Obi-wan: Yes, but there is more isn’t there? I sense a deep anger in your by my simply saying his name. 

Anakin: He almost got Senator Amidala killed and I would have been responsible. 

Obi-wan: The Senator has risked her life many times. She’s quite capable of taking care of herself. 

Anakin: They had a relationship...once. I simply feel she is vulnerable to her emotions. 

Obi-wan: She is, or you? 

Obi-wan then empathizes with Anakin, telling him that he knows what it’s like to harbor feelings for someone. He tells Anakin to not be ashamed of these feelings, but that he must make the rights choice “for the order”. The conversation ends with Anakin becoming very angry, asserting he knows what his responsibilities are and Obi-wan leaves the room, leaving Anakin to deal with his distress alone. 

 And since Anakin is denied the support he needs, he resorts to controlling, intimidating behavior. He commands Padme to stay away from Clovis, is cruel to him, and chooses to punish Padme emotionally for Anakin's own insecurities. When tensions reach their peak, he attacks Clovis. This fully expresses Anakin's own fear and rage at the idea of losing Padme to another man. 

Anakin’s unchecked and untreated attachment to Padme, as we all know, results in the ultimate ruination of the both of them, the Jedi Order, and the Republic. He will never out anything about her. She is his center. Nothing else matters. 

This is not Anakin’s fault. This is the fault of the Jedi. Their teachings about attachment are unhelpful at best, and this stems from their crippling confusion over the difference between “attachment” and “love”. 

It makes me wonder if they even know what they are talking about at all. Their advice about attachment involves regurgitating confusing platitudes.  

In “The Revenge of the Sith"; Anakin goes to Yoda to seek his counsel. Anakin is told that “attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is.” When Anakin asks what he must do to overcome attachment, Yoda tells him simply to “train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose”. 

Thanks Yoda, I’ll get right on that. 

Anakin needs to “let go”, apparently, and if he is holding onto something dangerous, what should he be holding onto instead? No one ever explains. The Jedi simply tell him to “let it go”. 

It’s no wonder that Anakin can’t ever consider letting go of Padme. For all he knows, that means cutting her out of his life and never speaking to her again. Or worse, does that mean letting her die the next time her life is in danger? Does it mean he should replace love with indifference? He has no idea. As he is given no tools, Anakin fixes nothing and plummets to his unavoidable demise.

Divorce papers and deleting Padme’s number isn’t how Anakin is to overcome “attachment”, and it was never going to be. Obi-wan tried this method with Satine, and though he didn’t fall to the dark side, he never recovers from the bitterness and regret he feels.

In “Voyage of Temptation”, Anakin and Obi-wan discuss his and Satine’s relationship. Obi-wan explains his Jedi duties forced him to leave Satine after forming a strong bond and love with her over the year they were together on Mandalore. The Jedi teachings dictate that he let Satine go. So, obedient Padiwan that he was, Obi-wan cuts off his relationship with Satine. The results show that this was not the way. If the goal of the Jedi is to avoid negative emotion, then this technique fails and perhaps cripples Obi-wan forever.

Anakin: “As Master Yoda says: ‘A Jedi must not form attachments.’”

Obi-wan: “Yes, but he usually leaves out the undercurrent of remorse.” 

I’m here to tell you today that Obi-wan perhaps gets screwed over by the Jedi Code more than any other Jedi. Obi-wan does not have an attachment to Satine. Sure he says “Had you said the word, I would have left the Jedi Order” but that’s only because that is what he has been taught. He is taught you only have two options: love someone or be a Jedi. 

Obi-wan loves Satine. He has a relationship with her. Some even think, myself included, that he is physically intimate with her. Qui-gon no doubt encouraged this relationship. He probably carefully nurtured Obi-wan during this time, helping him be able to love without forming an attachment. But Obi-wan is not able to see that he could love Satine and still be a Jedi. Leaving the order means that his Jedi journey would be over. If he had realized love and attachment are separate things, he could have been a Jedi and could have had Satine's love, too . 

Qui-Gon nearly convinces Obi-wan to be different: Obi-wan could have been a Jedi with feelings and love. Satine is a person who values duty above all, just as Obi-wan does. She respects that he answers to the Force. They would have been able to perfectly rule together with that mutual understanding. He could have been her force wielding husband without being attached to Satine and falling to the Dark side. 

True attachment is so dangerous to a Jedi because if they attach to a person, an idea, or a cause then they are not attached to the will of the Force. 

This is the missing detail Anakin and Obi-wan needed. Obi-wan could have been completely attached to the Force, even while loving Satine and even becoming her husband. Anakin needs to know that he could attach his center to the Force, and that this would not interfere with a deep and meaningful relationship with Padme. While centered in the Force, Anakin could be Padme’s husband loving and living with her, but ultimately his duty is to the Force, just as her duty is ultimately to the Republic. 

We know all of this is possible because of two characters from Star Wars: Rebels. Kanan Jarrus and Hera Syndulla share what is essentially a marital bond. They love, live, and lead together. They are physically intimate, but they do not have each other as their centers. We see evidence of this in the episode “Call to Action”, when Hera leaves Kanan in the hands of the Empire. She  knows that if she risks saving Kanan then everyone else will be killed. 

If Hera had an attachment to Kanan like Anakin had to Padme, she would have risked everything to get Kanan back. Since Hera is not one of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy, she would have failed and the rebel cell would have been stopped dead in its tracks. 

We also see evidence that Kanan is not attached to Hera. At the very end of their journey, after Kanan and Hera have fully expressed their feelings to each other, Kanan sacrifices himself for Hera and the others by using the Force to hold back an explosion. Though it appears as  Kanan is doing this because of his love for Hera, that is not the true motivation. If Kanan has an attachment to Hera, things would have gone differently. 

It is heavily implied leading up to this event that Kanan knows it is the will of the Force that he is to die. He knows this because the Force is his center and not  Hera. If his center is attached to Hera, I believe two things would have happened. Kanan would have tried and failed to save himself along with Hera and the others.  His actions would have been motivated by selfishness and desperation to extend his time with Hera. If Kanan tries to save himself, the conflagration consumed them all. The only way Kanan can prevent this is to draw upon the dark side of the Force. This would have thrown Kanan out of balance with the Force, and put him in very real danger of falling to the dark side. 

Instead, Kanan allows the will of the Force be done: he dies and his time with Hera comes to an end. Hera knows this about Kanan, and has always accepted the possibility he would choose the Rebel cause over their time together. Kanan knows the same of Hera. This mutual respect is the foundation of their love for each other. A Jedi can have a love and a bond with someone as long as they understand that ultimately, if the Force wills them to do something they must do it, regardless of how that affects their lives together.

So, can Grogu live like Kanan? The issue with Grogu, however, is that he already has attachment. His center is his adopted father, Din. Grogu is currently like Anakin, and if Din hands Grogu over to Ahsoka, they will have very Anakin-like troubles. From whom is Grogu going to learn? Ahsoka is unable to teach Grogu how to let go of deep attachment and center on the Force. Ezra Bridger can. 

In the second part of this post, I will discuss how Ezra Bridger is one of the most important Jedi who has ever lived, because he will be able to Grogu learn to let go, attach to the force, love and live, and yet do what needs to be done.