#and it’s really hard it’s about a lot of stuff that feels hard to fully articulate
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Not really sure what incongruous means so I'll look it up after but it does feel like as i get older life gets more complex theres more things i understand now that sure i knew about them before but not in great detail but it feels like I've become so fucking complex as a person that if i tried to explain what i actually think and feel it would just overwhelm a person so i try and section myself off into pieces and just use different parts of me with different situations or people and it may just be because ive spent most of my time these past 2 almost 3 years now alone with nothing to do but think and figure myself out that when im asked what i think about something slightly personal its kinda hard to say it just got lost in my head somewhere and that whatever i think will change at a moments notice like i can bring up memories of lots of things and remember nostalgic times but i spent so long thinking about why i feel a certain way or what makes me feel a certain way in order to try and get a better hold of myself that ive kinda forgotten alot of my past like so many memories that i made are just gone because remembering them made me feel a way i dont want to feel like i remember realizing the beginning of 6th grade that i had completely forgotten 5th grade and the reason why was because that time i had was so nice yet not at the same time my brain just frogot because it didn't want a reminder of how good yet not something can be like great teachers who for the first time ever actually seemed to care as far as i could tell class mates who were generally friendly and occasionally checked on me if i seemed off yet i felt so alone cause nobody there really seemed like a real friend like the friends i had before who even when we were in deep trouble wouldn't rat me out and would stick with me who genuinely cared and missed me if i was sick getting older and not having anyone to socialize with for really formative years off my life has made understand those really old dudes who are nice and always up to make friends but just seem extra lonely for some reason despite knowing so many people i guess technically being that alone did hurt me but i kinda learned that im just not alone ever when im outside theres always some squirrels birds or plants nearby that make it more lively its why ive grown so fond of certain forested spots they are always lively and it feels like hanging out with all my friends its also why i enjoy making things like with metal or wood stone or even writing and painting those things feel alive in a way same with music and having time to think so much has made me reflect and realize that no day is the same and even when something changes something else stays the same or gos back to how it was in a weird cycle like growing but remembering where you were growing older for me anyways is like gaining more skills and more knowledge not just on the stuff around me but on myself too obviously people change sometimes pretty quickly too but getting older makes you learn more about yourself which duh that how life works but still it feels weird to be aware of it at 17 when it feels like i should still be trying to figure out my favorite youtuber or something not contemplate who i am as a person and what makes me feel the way i do but its a good kind of weird and theres always more to learn and find so i still have plenty of room to learn more about myself still not being able to really fully let a person know you kinda sucks but to be fair that is a rather special thing its also nice being able to put into words why i feel a certain way so that i can actually explain myself instead of just going quiet cause i dont know myself that well still kinda funny to know your own problems but not be able to jusy fix them when you know its a very deep problem even when it seems surface level and damn i got kinda personal there woops also just noticed that im shaking so might be overwhelmed remembering 5th grade which is probably why i frogot it or at least thought i did
anybody else feel that being human is like being a long-time syndicated cartoon character watching the world get more complex while your own design stays the same until youre incongruous with the reality around you??
#Anyway im gonna see if i can calm down and mabye froget 5th grade again#not remembering stuff can hurt sometimes so dont try it i already fucked up learn fro. my mistakes
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I found your missing cat
It had taken a lot of work but about a month ago Danny finally got deep enough into A.R.G.U.S to be allowed into its Black Room. and my, what a treasure trove it is.
In the following weeks Danny has spent a lot of time finding all the lost Infinite Realms artifacts he was supposed to locate and return, as was part of his kingly duties. The Observants had been constantly on his ass about this but now that the results of his efforts are actually visible they have finally shut up.
Today though something new has gotten brought in and he’s eager to take a proper look, he could feel the Tyrant king’s influence from a distance emanating from it after all.
While on his way he noticed one of his colleagues, Miss Barbara Minerva if he remembers correctly, talking to who looks to be Wonder Woman. Danny hasn’t had the chance to do so himself yet, he’d love to introduce himself properly but he’s also a little worried about all the knowledge he has on Amazons from Lady Pandora (which he very much shouldn’t have) coming out the moment he tries to have a proper conversation.
Still he hopes nothing bad comes from those two ladies being on friendly terms. Miss Barbara's vibes are all over the place, and most often nowhere good, but who knows, maybe her being around Wonder Woman more will fix that.
He gets to his little section in the compound with the big examination table all decked out and ready for whatever. Today he gets to look at one of Pariah's lost blades, the godslayer sword.
Danny is working on getting all the murderous enhancements off of it and depowering it into something nowhere near so dangerous and deadly when something perks up within the weapon.
Sensing a kindred protection spirit it leaps up from the blade and into Danny, happily nestling around Danny's core and starts purring up a storm.
Danny however is violently startled out of his work. It's hard not to notice the sudden claws he feels both on his hands and feet. The spotted fur that covers seemingly his whole body now, his shifted ears, eyes and nose. And the fact he's now sporting a tail of all things.
The Cheetah may be pleased with this new development but Danny is certainly not.
Footsteps thunder his way, followed by a shout, "what is wrong!? I heard sounds of distress and- oh!"
"Uuuhhmmm..." What does he say!? How is he supposed to explain all this to Wonder Woman!?
She marches forward and firmly grabs his clawed hands in her own, not worried in the slightest about his now razor sharp nails, "worry not, we shall break this beastly curse that has befallen you, you have my word"
She gives him what he thinks must be a reassuring smile, "I am Diana of Themyscira and-"
Danny isn't really listening after that, she's probably just giving him more reassurances. It's nice but she's also pretty intense. And Danny is still freaking out a little.
"- so no need to fret"
Danny blinks,"Uh thanks, I- I'm Danny Fenton"
"It is most pleasant to meet you Danny Fenton, even if the circumstances are quite unfortunate"
"Yeah uhm, just Danny is fine"
"Very well you may call me Diana" She nods and lets go of his hands.
Diana then wishes to see the artifact that cursed him so, aka the blade (which didn’t curse him), Danny thankfully already fully depowered the damn thing safe for some minor traces of whatever Pariah saw fit to stuff in it.
By now Steve as well as Barbara have come to take a look themselves and though they appear startled at his new catlike appearance they are mostly just worried once Diana tells them he's cursed.
Which he's not, this isn't a curse at all. The big cat spirit still tightly curled around his core is clearly a blessing of some sort, that'll make dealing with it all so much more complicated...
But at least Danny got to meet wonder woman right? That's cool.
#dpxdc#dcxdp#danny phantom#danny fenton#dp x dc#dc x dp#dp x dc crossover#Wonder Woman#diana prince#barbara minerva#DC The cheetah#a bunch of artifacts (crap) from the Infinite Realms gets misplaced#And Danny is tasked with fixing that mess#He got his grades up#makes his parents and sister proud by getting to work for/with Argus#he hopes that eventually with those credentials he'll be able to move further up into the stars#but with his luck some bullshit was bound to happen eventually#he didn't notice the protection spirit haunting Pariah's old butcher knife
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Transcription of my 3 blogs yesterday re: 1992 HIV test results
11/24/2024
I decided to type out the contents of the three blogs that I posted yesterday re: February 10-12, 1992 entries concerning HIV test results. The way that I posted them yesterday made it hard to follow the story line. I've include some editorial notes as points of reference.
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Page 1: 2/10/1992 Monday
First day back. Has a good feeling to it—fully alive—robust. Trials stretching out to mid April Two preliminary hearings tomorrow. It’s all wild, wooly, crazy stuff. (This is in regard to the Deputy Public Defender job that I had in 1992.)
Dinner with Anne and Steve tonight. A lot of talk about HIV (HIV-AIDs virus). Anne tests again tomorrow. I get my HIV test results at 10:30am Wednesday.
Arturo and I discussed the possibilities (of my HIV test reults). He told me that when he found out (he had tested positive with the HIV virus) he could not sleep all night..
My feeling is—if I got it, I got it. That bugged Steve. I just wanna snuggle and sleep. Nite.
2/11/1992 Tuesday
Just now our wind—is silent…a mournful train whistle speaks through the space that the wind has left behind.
Tomorrow, the HIV test results. I don’t really think about bit too much. Maybe, deep down, I do a lot.
2/12/1992. Wednesday
Test results were “non reactive”…thank god. “You can test again in 3 to 6 months if you want to.
‘ Eg: from late last November , point of last possible transmission via Alan.
The negative results makes me feel more solid about life.
Steven gave me a hug saying “I’m glad you are OK.” Suprized me.
And, the beat and rhythm of life goes on. I’m really glad that I tested, for the experience, to say I diid it. I did my rhythm dance up to the time of it and found that there was no way to be prepared. All I asked was “as much as possible, be open to the feelings, whatever they may be."
“The game is not to get it” AIDS… instruction to 9769. Today, we were all numbers…0033, 00 this, 97 that—waiting (for the HIV test results) in the (hospital) hallway with the cemetery (across the street) view. “Is my trip shortened?” Is my journey lighter by time and distance?”
For me, for now, the answer is No, in this odd world where negative is good and positive is bad.
I feel an underlying joy, but a surface level melancholy…Why? For those who have gone before? I don’t know.’
End of entries
#my 3 blogs posted 11/23/2024 transcribed#11/24/2024#Deputy Public Defender#journaling#writing#gay#HIV testing in 1992
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i have been a ball of depression lately as well as my physical health worsening pretty severly this past week due to stress and so my friends have been. trying so hard to get me to get out and do things and its very sweet but i feel bad because the whole time i’m just a total mess
#they say they dont mind but i need to really. stop#im stuck.#and i know it’s hard on my friends to see me like this since i’ve been doing a lot better and now am back to my old habits#but i felt bad because they took me out shopping and to dinner tonight and i just had a headache and was limping and couldnt stop talking#about the recent death in my family and all the stress from classes and socially and how lost i feel#and i just wanted so bad to just. enjoy myself but i couldnt#but my friends know about how severe my depression is and are all very used to it#its in fact more normal than not. but i was really. feeling at my best for several months so the crash back down to not eating and sleeping#and being unable to fully tidy my room and all that stuff has been. difficult for me as well as those around me#it’s been normal for me for so long to live terribly that taking care of myself for a while and then losing the drive to has been. hard#im trying to get better but i slide back down#i need to work on my constant self loathing but i keep walking around just. conviced im such a burden and being sad makes it even worse#i just. am always overcompensating for my lack of#ability to love myself with just. constantly showering everyone around me with love and its. hard for me when i dont have the energy to do#even that anymore. its hard to let people take care of me when i just want to take care of them all the time
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More stuff for class
#uhhh heres the text if you want it#its supposed to be hard to read but here ill save you some time sofjskdh#reduced (in the text bubble on the demigirl flag)#below and left to that the big one:#can i tell you? will you understand if i do? do i have to make myself palatable for you? simpler. smaller? in the end will i be brave enoug#?*#w the two figures it says “2:” and “me”#on the pride flag rothko reference it says: how do these colours make you feel? do you recognize them? do you bother to?#and on the portait is says: braver than i think#anwyay#yeah just a bunch of hogwash. emptying my brain into my art#a dialogue about my identity with my parents and the world at large. not being at the same level of understanding abt queer identity stuff#as the gays on this here site.....#and my parents (mom) not fully being accepting andddd lots of more stuff aahh whatever#anyway really like the colours on here yea#traditional art
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#ALL POWER DEMANDS PAIN AND SACRIFICE: musings.#okay but this made me laugh so hard just because of how much it reminds me of misao JSJSJ LOL because she has had like casual 'flings'-#with people and is an addictive personality as i've talked about here once which includes her being a love junkie + getting into-#relationships with people because she is in love with the IDEA of being in love though falling in love with someone can't just happen-#like magic as it involves a bunch of hormones and stuff but misao kind of somewhat hopes that this person of interest to her will somehow-#complete her life anyhow which... yeah can definitely raise a few problems as people with a love addiction often attract love-#avoidant people because both of these types of people generally have a fear of being abandoned and controlled.#but whenever it comes to love-avoidant individual's they're also emotionally unavailable so 😬#it's unfortunately kinddd of a recipe for an unhealthy relationship that could very well lead to the both of them being in a bad place-#once they break up as misao as a love addict is constantly seeking out new love in particular as a lot of excitement and good feelings-#come with this particular type of love in particular. so yeahhh - i know that this may be a bit of a weird picture to do a meta to but-#SHHH lol i just thought it could possibly relate to her more long-term relationships that she's had with people as misao-#tends to avoid feelings of vulnerability with people as you may all know and so this leads to both her + the other person not really-#knowing what they are BC they haven't really established that deeper connection even though they've been together for a while.#not to say that i'm trying to blame misao for having problems with opening up or anything like that but she has a very disorganized-#attachment style i think and that leads to her often doing this continuous 'push and pull' thing in her romantic/sexual ships#where one moment she will want to be attached to the hip to them but the next she will be cold and distant from them.#so yeahhh. misao is honestly kind of like what i've said barton is before: a cake inside of a cake because i feel like she's got sides of-#herself that she doesn't even know about because she's been scared of being fully emotionally vulnerable with someone for a while now sadly#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.
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i want to be more open to anything and everything and i’m scared
#i’ve just felt at a sort of breaking point for a few weeks#and it’s really hard it’s about a lot of stuff that feels hard to fully articulate#& i don’t really feel like i can talk to anyone fully about it because it’s hard#to describe the extent of constant grief & also like. neurotocisms that have woven their way into my understanding of like#*neuroticisms#my own fate fundamentally yknow#there have been many moments of beauty and stuff i feel my hand is still in the weave sometimes#but i really need some things to feel different and be different#i have lost so much and so many people the last few years and literally ALL of my relationships have changed#and i feel like i’m really searching for sometning that i lost#and i have been missing my mom#i lack any sense of deep comfort in my life and i want to just feel held and understood even for a moment#and i don’t feel like i have anyone to point me in a direction that i agree with it’s hard to know what to want and how to want it
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#long talk in tags incoming i guess#i don't understand why people keep following me when everything i do is complaining lately#and not about dnp per se. but about how the work is done and how their team *coughs* martyn *coughs* is handling stuff#i'm just looking at all this mess and i can't agree with basically anything#everything goes against my beliefs when it comes to work organisation. customer focus and etc.#and i'm trying SO hard to mildly help for free. and i'm just getting ignored. but that's like.. basic fixing and shit#any decent company would do it and say thank you for noticing and letting us know#but not irl merch lmao#and it all feels and looks like a massive joke#and i'm so so tired to basically pay for existence of this mess#i'm rethinking a lot of tour related decisions i made. and i know the reason i made them was about travelling more than the show itself#so i don't completely regret it#i'm just so tired of being spat in the face (figuratively speaking) over and over again#and tired of no one taking their job seriously ffs#neither martyn nor dnp nor their fucking editors#and i'm doing all that not for attention or whatever. but because I really care for the words to be correct and for the fucking text..#.. to be in the middle. like idc about the credit or WHO i need to ask for it to be fixed. i just want it to be fixed#so it looks good and how it should look#like. it's not that hard to put a little care into the things you do and getting paid for#I don't understand how it became so normalized. how being a bad manager is okay if you work with a fanbase and you're a 'small company'#a small company who has more than enough money to hire people to check things btw. if only anyone cared#i'm just so so tired of caring. because apparently it's not something everyone else does.#and i can let it slide when it comes to dnp. they are not being literally hired to do it. but others..... yeah#today was a moment when i thought 'that's a perfect opportunity to leave. enough.'#but the tour is in 1.5 months and i have tickets so i can't leave lmao#what kind of joke that is? oh and i know i'm fully responsible for this mild breakdown#personal
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hey. immortal fears
on the sideblog
on ao3
#im only posting this cause 1. im very tired and 2. i really need my motivation to continue this story#ive been craving so much to write this again recently but i have huge mental hurdles and i feel like nobody cares anymore#so like.. give it a peep? lemme know what you think?? anything???#i love this story a lot and would love to get back to it. i have the next three chapters fully planned. i just need to write...#and i have most main bits planned as well so its mostly planned out. just. writing. its hard when i dont know if anyone is interested#anyways. i wanna post this today as ive been thinking a lot. so. here#please read immortal fears#(theres also a lot of other stuff in this timeline/au but im just gonna stick to the main story in this post ough)#ALSO FEEL FREE TO SEND ASKS ABOUT THE AU!! i would love to talk about this ;;#night is an absolute mess on main
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I have… lots of thoughts on milsiril and kabru and the commentary on mixed-race family/adoption, in particular white parents with children of color. I think it’s really cool kui incorporated this into the story because lots of (particularly white) people just think adoption is this pure altruistic thing and don’t think about the negative affects it has on kids (again, kids of color) to not have people of their own culture to grow up with.
#I’m white so I can’t pretend this is something I am able to fully understand#and I feel like it’s not my place to write an essay on it? I’m sure poc could do it a lot better than me#but someone who is close to me is a poc in a kind of kabru adjacent situation#and I don’t want to give details bc this is personal and (obviously) not just to me so I don’t really want to talk about it too much#my point is. kabru ans milsiril just hit me really hard#I really love that kui made their relationship a relatively good one for the most part but she doesn’t just pretend it’s perfect#because it’s like. even if your parents are the best they can possibly be.l#if they don’t understand your culture that’s still a huge loss isn’t it?#and milsirils parenting skills….. definitely need a lot of work even if she means well#and the description of her adoptions as a ‘hobby’ makes it seem rather flippant imo#(not sure if that was just a translation thing tho)#but my impression is that kabru does still think of her fondly and is grateful for her taking him in and teaching him things#at the same time he does voice his frustrations about the cultural disconnect between them and her being ‘overprotective’#but yeah#like that kind of thing needs to be talked about I’m grateful that she not just doesn’t shy away from it but puts it in your face like that#.txt#dungeon meshi#oh also clarification#when I say kui talks about this stuff I do mean as an allegory#bc while I don’t think it is at all a coincidence that kabru is dark skinned and milsiril is white (coded?)#their skin color doesn’t really come into account here#it’s really the disconnect between elves and tall-men#but look me in the eye and tell me that’s not what she was going for
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Hrmm... Revising my game and I feel like there's still sooo much writing left to do, for something that probably won't even amount to much, so.. I do want to narrow my focus more (especially given my health problems seeming to get worse/less energy the past few years), but I'm not sure how would be best to...
I currently have 5 characters as the Main ones with full planned questlines and such, with each character having 6 quests you can do for them. But I haven't really started the writing for the 5th main character. So then I was thinking, if I were going to write 6 full quests worth of content anyway... is it better to allocate that time on just doing a Complete 6 Quests for ONE single character, OR would it be better to do something like.. choose THREE side characters and do 2 quests for each of them? So that people have a wider variety to interact with and sort of sample around (of course with the idea that, once the first version of the game is released, IF people actually care about it enough to make it worth the effort, I would then add additional content to complete those 3 characters stories as well)
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SO... If you were playing an interactive fiction sort of game centered around talking to & doing quests for a cast of characters (like there's no larger plot, more it's just about interacting with people, every character kind of has a self contained story, the focus is just learning about them and the world and exploring the area) --- Which would you rather have?
(and of course it would be stated up front which characters have only partial questlines, so people don't expect them to have full quests like the others and then get disappointed, or etc. etc.)
Basically, is it better to just focus in specifically on having one fully complete questline? Or for there to be a few stories that are not complete yet, but have more initial options available?
#I guess I just feel weird about investing too much into characters if possibly nobody will like them. so the idea of being able to sample#around a wider variety opens up the option of like 'hey even if neither of these 4 are your favorite - you have 3 other options soon too!'#or whatever. BUT I also am very anti-the trend of releasing half finished games or shit like that where people preorder and then#the game sucks on actual release and isn't fully playable or good until 5 updates later#HOWEVER.. those are giant companies with hundreds of employees and millions in funding. I feel like it's different for someone#if they're just like ''hey I am getting zero money for this and doing it entirely on my own in my free time and before I do like 50+ hours#of work on top of the 100+ hours of work that I already did - I would like maybe to at least see some proof#people are interested in this - so I'm releasing the game with like a small amount of the originally intended content removed#that I still have planned out and hope to add later and the game is still entirely done and completely functional#except for just a few quests I might add later.. sorry'' etc. etc. ??? like I think that's different. but maybe some people dont see#it that way and would still be like 'grrr.. how dare there be unfinished options..>:V" idk#And the nature of the quests is such that it's not weird to have it be partial like.. again.there's no major plot. it's not like the quests#are leading up to some dramatic thing and having them half done would make it feel like a cliffhanger. It's meant to be very casual just#chilling and doing little tasks and such. And last thing to clarify I guess - by 'side character' I don't mean taking some unimportant bac#ground character and forcing them to have quests. I mean like.. originally the game had 8 full characters and I thought that was#too much so I cut it down to 5. So I still had everything planned for all the side characters too. Id' just be like.. re-giving them#quests and focuses that were already planned from the beginning but that I got rid of.. former main characters banished to the side lol..#ANYWAY... hrmm... hard to decide... It's just so niche I think. I feel more and more like I should just get it to a 'proof#of concept' state and get it out there to interest check rather than invest in it soooo much for nothing. Because I really do not have the#tastes other people do or interact with games or have interest in things in the same way. A lot of the stuff that I love (slow. character#focused things with basicaly no action or plot where its' just about getting to explore a world and learn about#people in a casual low stakes setting but ALSO not romance) I think people find very boring so... lol...#This year as I try to pick the project back up again after abandoning it for like 3 years I keep looking at stuff and going.. ough...#yeah... cut this maybe.. I should cut that too.. I should make them a side character.. remove this.. blah blah..#Though I did ADD a journal and inventory system and other things that like People Expect Games To Have so.. maybe#that will count for something.. hey..you can collect items.. it's not just 'talking to elves for 600 hours simulator'.. are you#entertained yet? lol.... When I was making my other tiny game for that pet website and I gave it to the play testers and someone was like#''it should have achievements so I feel I'm working towards something concrete'' I was literally so blindsided like..??... people WANT that#in games..? is the goal not simply to wander aimlessly &fixate on world/character lore& make your own silly pointless personal goals? I did#do them though because it IS fun to make up little achievement names and such but.. i fear i am out of touch so bad lol..
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Yeah. Man. I'm just sitting here remembering I've been doing this my entire life. I feel like there was a patch I wasn't, part of the teen years, and that's either I've forgotten because trauma orrrr something else but
No wonder I've never felt anchored on this plane. But it doesn't matter, well, no, it matters a lot, but this life is just constantly isolating in how it works so I will keep the talk of not fitting in here and what being weirdly one got in one foot out has done to talking to myself lmfao but... I remember. I remember being in the garden as a really young child and I'm not a young child. I'm this chimaeric fairy-type thing of swirling and bulging colours like a psychedelic faceted-insect-eye's led trip, four or more wings of different types that are again, so ungrounded, so psychedelic, vivid. Not uncertain. Not half-formed. Fully formed, the starbeing in me just barely contained in the shape of the human-pretending-to-be-a-fae it's pretending to be
I remember so much, actually, and it's. it's just weirdly melancholic....? Maybe not melancholic, but it's so sad and I don't know why. Actually. I mean I've been trying to piece it together for like twenty minutes now but... People get a little irritated at me for being very "you don't understand and no one sees me" but like. I have lived an entire life walkinv streets where no one sees me. It's very complicated, there's. mental health stuff in there because of course I've come across a lot of spirits but I have bad issues seeing people as real but like. Man yeah no I am a snail and one part of me can be physically seen but the other has always been on the other side
#There's a lot to this that I just don't want to get into because it's no ones business irt mental health issues influencing#isolation and then trauma and stuff. It's not a matter of ''I was involved in astral stuff and no one else in the world Ever has been''#lmfao like it's just that. Astral self is still me and man. Idk. Realising these past few years constantly the Trauma(tm)#And it makes so many physical events now make sense where like I felt like I could (do astral stuff) and#Man. It's just. There's so much melancholic distance in these astral memories kept behing the Mask Face expression#it really is like. you ever have to leave someone at a bus stop or airport and you're not sure you'll ever see them again#It's this weird heavy and distinct feeling looking at myself like this astral body is a family dog I've just left in#à forest at night and I'm driving away from them and they just know. It's not like Tears Flowing sad it's this. the entire form#just swallows existence. It just is eternally falling away from the world and swallowing it as it goes#It's not a dog left at the roadside its the goddamn ghost of one left years ago. You see it and you aren't sad about leaving your#dog you're like wow. That dogs still here. I don't know what to do. It's image is burned into my retina. It's looking at me#I can see it getting further away in the rear view mirror and no one would ever believe me I'm seeing a ghost so this moment#is etched into my mind now. Except. The memory fades anyway when you look away. It's so like....... It's not even sad#It's just a ghost. I was worried about connecting astral and physical bodies and starting this journey to projection#fully consciously because I knew there'd be a lot of Trauma but this isn't even trauma it's just... My god. I've existed my#entire life as a ghost. like. /ghost/ ghost. Ghost. haunting my own existence. And it's again not just sad it's this weird...#I feel like I've only ever been able to exist off this plane. I exist in this liminal state I exist most freely when unwanted#Not because I need to be unwanted but because what I am freaks people out#Yeah that. vision. that vision of my astral form in this weird obscure unplaceable large animal with a blurred#mask like face in the headlights or tail lights of a car - it's hard to know because it warps reality. I don't know what direction#I'm travelling. I don't know what this thing is. but it's on this forest-flanked road in these lights and it's looking and#there's no one around that can elucdiate the situation and............. Yeah. Man. Yeah.#ramblings //#Astral body //#Astral diary //
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The anguish I feel knowing no story is ever gonna have characters as good as the letter 😔
#the letter#yeah yeah im having a moment rn#this game is a major influence on how i write inner monologue and characters in general#cuz damn its hard not to come out of it changed as a person#like damn idk its like. ive not found much other stuff that can just perfectly encapsulate relationships and the people within them like#the letter does like every character has so much nuance and depth and such complicated feelings about the other characters#and everyone just meshes together so nicely like both in conflict and in agreement#the main friend group is so well written like theyre all their own fully realized characters and they have different bonds with each other#and some of them kinda fight a lot#but you can tell just how much they care about each other and love each other like they really do feel like close friends#with ups and downs and when one person is going through something it affects the group in such a realistic way#and they all get good moments together like as a group and also one on one#its great and the issue is every other piece of media looks like garbage in comparison lol#i dont care if my stories are airtight as long as the characters are what i want them to be
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Are there any visual novels that you are interested in playing?
Yeah, I feel like there’s a lot I want to read but I only ever have so much time. I do intend on getting through them eventually tho. Im even currently on one now along side a friend. Oddly enough I’ve done a little bit of research on VN history and watched videos on some stuff as research BC I’m also just into old video games (like if you wanted to learn about dante98(the first rpgmaker) you might want to know surrounding culture of pc98 vn stuff and the effects games like Portopia had). There’s also many interesting ways western CRPG and Classic point and click games intersect with VNs as a concept (lotta history won’t elaborate now)
TLDR: yeah.
Also the vn I’m reading is Tsukihime, I’ll prolly read more nasu works at some point after I’m done.
#naderamblings#reading tsukihime not because of the Venn diagram of interests not because I felt I needed to not because I want to but because#I got complimented for a cosplay of something at a con once by a hisui cosplayer and felt awkward that I hadn’t read tsukihime#what percentage of that last statement is a lie is up to user interpretation#I hope I don’t come off as pretentious in this I just love learning and talking about things and having information#I wouldn’t call myself a good source as I don’t know everything I only know what I know (meant unironically)#this was all kind of a nonsense answer that didn’t really answer the question but it’s kinda hard to quantify the exacts for this for me#I feel like because I can so easily passively get interested in a lot of stuff and learn a lot but don’t always fully commit I’m#I’m kind of a fake#so I can’t call myself a true fan unless it’s deliberate
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I’m just having a shit time and feeling pretty miserable lately and I’ve been trying to not think too much about it or let it soak but it still gets in through the cracks. And earlier today I was reminded that 1 year ago today I got out of the hospital after my suicide attempt. Which just kind of makes me feel worse. I was miserable then and I’m still miserable now. Almost nothing has actually changed since then, both within me, personally and my life, and outside of me. It’s still the same
#this is brought on by the last post I reblogged#I already rambled about this in my mood tracker journal thing but . damn. is this just forever#it’s so hard to believe I’m ever going to ACTUALLY get better. or that things will ACTUALLY change#the only main difference between a year ago and now is that I dropped out of college. that’s about it#and the thing is that there’s stuff I could (and should) be doing to change stuff. I need to try harder#but it is so difficult for no reason at all. I can barely even take care of myself lately#so so so much of my life is fully in my hands and I just need to TRY and START and GO. I know this. I’m incredibly aware of this#I just can’t fucking get myself to do anything or feel anything or care enough to make a good consistent effort#I want to!! I really really fucking want to do things and change things and Get Better and Make Progress#god. anyway. the post I reblogged before this made me cry because of my recent attempt and thinking about how I’m currently fairing#but also because of how my parents are handling how I am right now. and I do think it’s justified. but it still hurts#I barely got that kind of response (like the post) from my parents after my attempt#although I’m not sure what I expected. or even what I wanted from them#sometimes I still think about how my mother acted/responded to me both before I willingly admitted myself and during my attempt#it hurts. it hurts a lot. I still feel so fucking stupid for thinking she’d react in a sympathetic or empathetic or kind or compassionate#and then last month was she said something about me killing myself in an almost mocking way. as if it’s something to make light of#I feel like screaming. I feel awful and nothing is different and I know I need to make it different myself and just try harder#but sometimes I think that if I could actually get better then I would’ve by now. or at least would’ve started improving somewhat#I have tried. there’s a lot of things I’ve tried. and I really want to get better and not be like this anymore and have things change#nothing ever seems to help or stick or do enough though. I throw myself at a wall and when I can manage to stand I do it again#ok. ending this post now. I wrote a lot#dead text
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How about monsterfcking with Neuvillette? Him in his dragon form pounding and breeding reader's pussy until his cum leaks out and when Neuvillette saw his cum leaking out he tries to push it back in using his thick fingers but it just won't stay inside, a lot of his cum wasted so he fucked Reader full again with a new batch of cum and cockwarmed him after their down<3
(What if after they have sex, Neuvillette carries Reader to the bathroom to clean both of them and Neuvillette still inside of Reader but ended up fucking when Neuvillette and Reader are inside of the bathtub)
Sorry if my grammar is wrong! English is my third language hehe and I'm still learning
🔞minors dni
warnings: afab reader, breeding, creampie, multiple orgasms, squirting, tummy bulge, size kink, mosterfucking
// note: no worries anon I could understand perfectly <3 thank you for the request this was fun
he's bigger than you even in his more human form, but like this, arms and legs covered in light blue scales, thick horns crowning his head, he's just. huge. straight up huge. he has you in a mating press and your face can barely reach his pecs, your legs can't even hook on his shoulders, they're ramrod straight as he grips your ankles in his big hands.
his cock is a really tight fit too... your pussy is stretched to the limit as he pounds into you, leaving you gaping each time he pulls out before slamming back inside with full force. now you can really understand why he decided to fuck you on the floor this time, putting down soft blankets and pillows so that you'd still be comfortable, but simply refusing to do it on the bed: he would have destroyed it in minutes, his strength and stamina in his half dragon form is insane!
when he finally cums inside you, when you're well on your way to a fourth orgasm, you think maybe he'll calm down a little but nope... he just changes tactics, never pulling out completely again, bc he doesn't want his cum to leak out of you :(
he keeps fucking you with really shallow thrusts, just as fast as he did previously, praising and encouraging you to just hold on for "a little longer" bc he needs to cum again, to claim you fully and stuff your cute little pussy to the brim :(
your eyes are tearing up a lil by then, but it feels so good that you can't find it in you to complain... so you let him pump you full one, twice more, until you hear him grumble and mutter something under his breath, until his huge fingers replace his monstrous cock, trying to fuck the cum back inside you. "what a waste" he complains. in his lustful haze he doesn't understand that your pussy is way too small to hold on to all that cum, so the only solution he can find is to fuck you again...
except this time, after pounding into you so so roughly, making you squirt on his cock for who knows how many times, he doesn't pull out after cumming... he just makes you cockwarm him, thinking that there's no way it'll leak out if he keeps your pussy sealed off like that!
it's hours before he allows you to move, but he still doesn't let you go, carrying you to the bathroom with his rock hard cock still buried snugly against your cervix, an evident bulge in your tummy. he summons enough warm water to fill the tub before lowering the both of you inside, effectively making you straddle his hips as the new position allows his cock to reach even deeper inside your womb.
it'd be relaxing, the warm water soothing your sore muscles, if he didn't grab you by the hips to move you back and forth on his cock :/ he uses you like a fleshlight, bouncing you up and down and jerking off inside your pussy as you desperately clutch to his shoulders, moaning and babbling, and when he doesn't stop even after cumming one more time inside, you just accept that you're going to fall asleep in his arms, and he's probably going to keep fucking you through it until you wake up in the morning🥺🥺
#genshin smut#genshin impact smut#genshin x reader#genshin impact x reader#neuvillette smut#neuvillette x reader
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