#and it wouldn't start working UNTIL I was asleep so I'd usually end up drinking like half a bottle of wine to get there

[cookinguptales]

*stares at the camera in ehlers-danlos syndrome*

[catierambles]

Emma got out of bed the moment she was able, her husband falling to the side in post-coital bliss. For him, anyway. She wasn't even halfway to the bathroom to shower before she heard his snores and it made her roll her eyes.

As they always did, reflections of how she got here crossed over her mind as she washed her hair and body, any and all traces of him going down the drain. What happened to them? How did they go from college sweethearts who loved spending time around each other, to her being perfectly fine when he left her alone for weeks at a time when he went on "business trips"? How did they go from loving newlyweds to her turning her brain off and just waiting for it to be over when he got in the mood, not wanting to deal with his petulant whining if she turned him down?

Even when he brought her along on his business trips, they barely spent time together and he usually just left her in the hotel room by herself for hours, coming back smelling of cheap perfume. She knew he was cheating on her, and honestly, she didn't care. Let him, and let some other poor woman deal with his selfish rutting.

He was still sound asleep as she got dressed and did her makeup tastefully, and he would be until morning. She doubted he would even realize she had left. Slipping on her heels, she left the room, heading down to the bar, making sure she had her room key in her clutch bag before she left. Would she get any satisfaction from one of the men at the bar of this overpriced hellhole? Probably not, but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

She was on her second glass of wine when the bartender slid a third towards her.

"Bit soon?" She asked.

"From the gentleman down at the end." He said and she huffed a small sigh before looking towards the end of the bar where the bartender had pointed. Probably another greasy, sleezy--

Oh.

Oh no.

"Mustache?" Please say yes.

"That'd be him." The bartender said and the man gave her a small smile that softened his handsome face. On any other man, the mustache and heavy stubble would have looked ridiculous. On him, it was perfectly masculine. The dark suit he wore did nothing to conceal the width of his shoulders and she watched as he slid off the stool, grabbing his own glass, noticing how the jacket hugged around his chest and was buttoned to a tapered waist.

"I'd ask something cheesy," He started when he got to her and she saw how his blue eyes sparkled in the low lights, "Like "what's a girl like you doing in a place like this", but I have a feeling I'd be wearing that merlot if I tried."

"Good call." She said and he sat on the stool next to her, turning to face her and offering a hand.

"Jason." He said and she placed her hand in his, expecting a shake, but he turned it, bringing it to mouth to brush his lips over the back.

"Emma." She said, her skin tingling as she pulled her hand away, and not just from the whiskers that had rasped over it.

"Your husband know you're down here accepting drinks from strangers?" His tone wasn't accusatory, it was amused, and it took the edge off the words.

"What makes you think I'm married?"

"Tan line of a wedding ring." He said and she looked at her left hand, seeing the faint lines around her finger. "Either married, or recently divorced."

"Divorce is in the works." And it was, kind of, if her husband didn't keep threatening and bribing lawyers to drop the proceedings.

"My condolences." He said and gave a small laugh at the look she gave him, "Yeah, that was a lie. If you had a picturesque marriage, you wouldn't be here."

"Accepting drinks from strange men?" She asked, picking up the wine he had sent her and taking a sip.

"Exactly."

His lips were soft against hers as he backed her into the hotel room, kicking the door closed behind him. Turning, he pushed her against the wall, catching the small moan that left her as he pressed a knee between hers, his fingers pulling up the skirt of her dress so he could palm her thighs. She knew exactly what he wanted her to do and hopped as he lifted her, wrapping her legs around his waist, feeling him behind the zipper of his slacks against her lace covered center. Fuck, he was big.

"Jason." She whimpered as his lips went to her neck, mouthing along her throat as he pushed the strap to her dress aside, running his lips over her collarbone.

"Fuck, you're sweet." He whispered, his voice low and rough with desire. Tilting his head back up with her fingers in his hair, she kissed him, offering no resistance as he pushed his tongue into her mouth to slide against hers, a fire building in her core. Pulling her away from the wall, she felt his fingers pull down the zipper at the back of her dress, rough fingertips moving over her skin and deftly undoing the clasp to her bra. He carried her into the bedroom, letting her go to her feet, the dress and bra falling to the carpet before he pulled her in again, his hands smoothing over her bare back and burying in her hair as he kissed her.

"You're too dressed." She said and he nodded, shedding his coat as she unbuttoned it, his hands curling around her hips as her own pressed into his chest, kneading the muscle she found there under the dress shirt. Dropping to her knees, her palms moved over his slacks, grabbing his thighs and she saw how his pupils had blown, his lips parted as he looked down at her. She deftly undid his belt as he worked on his shirt, throwing it to the side before pulling the undershirt over his head. Emma couldn't stop the grin that curled her lips as she saw his muscular chest covered in a layer of dark hair, staring up at him as she undid the top button of his pants and pulled down the zipper, letting his pants fall to the floor.

He was hard and massive in his boxer briefs, straining against the fabric and she hooked her fingers in the waistband, pulling them down his thighs and allowing him to bounce free.

"That's a good girl." He whispered as she took him in her hand, pumping slowly. She kept eye contact with him as she dragged a flat tongue over the head, his hand going to her hair and he guided her mouth onto him. She took him as deep as she was able, pumping what she couldn't fit with her fingers. Her movements were quick and soon he was pumping into her mouth, his fingers tight in her hair. "Fuck, I want that pussy." The dirty talk only increased her arousal and she moaned around him. He yanked her to her feet, turning her and pushing her down onto the bed face down. She stretched with her arms above her, pulling her knees up. The first smack of his hand against her ass made her yelp, but he passed a soothing hand over the red mark, pulling the lace panties down her legs. "Fuck, you're wet." She mewled as he pushed two fingers into her, "Wet and tight."

"Please, Jason." She whispered, pushing back against his hand and she felt his lips touch her back as she also felt him nudge at her.

"Ready, baby?" He asked and she nodded. With his hands around her waist he pulled her back just as he surged forward, pushing inside her to the hilt with one fluid movement and making her cry out. He didn't give her time to adjust, pumping into her hard, his hips slapping against her ass. "God fucking damnit you feel good."

"Please please please." She didn't even know what she was begging for, but his hand wrapped around her throat and he pulled her up against his chest as he continued to pound into her. His other hand cupped one of her breasts, squeezing, rolling the peak between his fingers. The drag of him inside her made her eyes roll back and her mouth fall open in heavy pants.

"That's it. That's my good fucking girl." He whispered in her ear, "Take my cock. You take it so well."

"I'm gonna come."

"Fucking come." He hissed, "Come on my cock. I wanna feel you, come on." Her hand covered his at her breast but in contradiction to his command, he pulled away, pulling out of her. He flipped her over easily and leaned over her, his lips taking hers in a kiss, swallowing the sound she made as he pushed into her again, restarting his relentless pace. Her fingers wove through his hair, holding him to her as he pressed his forehead against hers, his eyes closed and his breath hot as he panted against her face. She started pressing featherlight kisses to his eyelids, his cheeks, his nose, ending with his mouth and he grabbed her hands, holding them above her head with his fingers tangled with hers.

"That's it." She whispered, "Just a little further."

"You like how I feel in you?" He asked, his eyes opening and she nodded. "Tell me."

"I like how you feel in me."

"Tell me you love it."

"I love it."

"Tell me you want more."

"I want more. Please, give me more."

"That's my good girl." He said, his hips speeding soon it became too much and it pushed her over the edge, her legs wrapping tight around his waist as her orgasm ripped through her body. "Fuck! So fucking tight." A few more savage thrusts that drove noises from her lips and he joined her, slamming into her one last time as he released inside her.

They laid there for a long moment, his hands softening in hers, squeezing her fingers.

"Jason, huh?" She asked and he chuckled.

"First name that came to mind." He said and took his face from her neck, kissing her deeply.

"He has a meeting with Hamas leaders tomorrow morning." She said and he nodded.

"When?"

"Ten, according to his cell phone. I cloned the SIM card, it's in my bag."

"Good girl." He said, "It'll be over soon, I promise."

"I'm not worried, August. I'm really not. Not about that, anyway." Emma said and his eyes opened to look at her curiously. "I'm more worried about what happens to us when it's all said and done."

"The only thing that will change with that, is that we won't have to meet in hotel bars with fake names."

"I kinda like the anonymous hookup game, though." She said with a smile and he snorted, pressing a gentle kiss to her lips as her hands slipped from his, her arms wrapping around his chest. "I love you."

"I love you more." August said and he meant it, he really did, otherwise the ring he had for her when this was all over would be for nothing.

[ah0minecchi]

𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐒 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐒 - eren j. ࿐˚ . ✦

A/N: OKAYYY so i wrote this back in 2021, so it MAY OR MAY NOT be shitty asf, but pls bear with me while i write smth better (ノД`).

CW: use of alcohol, mentions of nsfw, angst

NOW PLAYING! 💿 mistakes like this - prelow

<𝟑.𖥔 ݁ ˖

he never voiced whatever was in his mind. that is something i will never be able to stand about eren.

things haven't been the same for months now, we barely spoke to each other when hanging out with friends, and our apartment lived in a constant and cold silence.  it's almost like every breath i took just annoyed him even more. i've tried convincing myself that maybe i was just confused and things were just complicated that day, and the next day, and the next day. but no. im not confused, i haven't been for a while now.

the only times we would direct minimum attention towards each other was on fridays when we would hang out with armin, mikasa, jean, sasha and connie. that was the only day of the week we could forget whatever that was going on between us. get drunk, have fun then go home and have the only type of interaction that worked between us, even if we weren't even really conscious about it.

i wanted to know what has been holding him back from being the way he used to be around me. i wanted to know what crossed his mind whenever he thought about me. what was he dreaming about. what was he whispering to himself when i was asleep. maybe i have taken something from him, something i don't know how to return. i hoped he didn't care, but whatever was lost between us clearly did matter.

this friday wasn't any different from the previous ones. all six of us were hanging at armin's , laughing at some stupid joke jean would say or making fun of connie for boxing himself, not like i'd remember anyway, i was too drunk. everyone was. i decided it was a good idea to get some fresh air so i went to the apartment's balcony. i noticed how all voices and noises from inside would shut down and be drowned by the sound of wind and cars driving around at least 30 meters below my feet as i closed the door.

suddenly i started feeling heavier, my senses started to feel more real and i started to perceive everything that was happening around me. for the first time in the last months i was able to realize what was going on in our usual friday hangouts.

we were here just trying to pretend that everything was still the same, that we were the couple we've always been. i felt the urge to drink something, anything that could make me go back to my careless state, but what did i win from that? what did we win from that? i wondered if i should just tell eren that we were leaving, but how could i take from him the only thing that makes him happy nowadays?

maybe that's all i have been doing this whole time, holding him back. even if i still wanted him to be with me, i was more concerned for what he'd leave if he stayed. it killed me to know that what we had wasn't enough to make him happy, in fact, that it was was what taking his happiness away. watching us get so drunk we wouldn't know where we were even standing made me want to take the bottle away from his grip and hug him so tight until he sobered up.

i asked myself what was the reason for me to do this to him. why did i still want him around me physically if he wasn't able to be around emotionally? i felt like some lost puppy, what would i do without him? was letting him go the best thing i could do? maybe we didn't work together and that was it. but it felt a lot deeper and complex than that. i started to see some of our memories together in my mind. how we would talk hours on end without getting bored. at some point i used to think eren was the only person that was able to understand what happened inside my twisted mind (and the only one willing to), but now it felt like he was the type of person that would never be able to empathize with me.

suddenly i heard the glass door being opened and a very drunk eren asking me to go home. we said our farewells to armin, sasha, mikasa, jean and a passed out connie as we exited the apartment. on our way home eren had his arm losely around my waist and would giggle at something random every 10 seconds or so. he would also leave happy kisses on my cheek now and then. is this really how things have been every time we did this? was getting drunk what we needed to be around each other the way we used to?  it felt impossible to believe that at some point we would do the same things without the necessity of alcohol. tears started rolling down my cheeks as i listened to eren's laugh. all my makeup's running by now. everything felt so fucking fake and empty.

as soon as we entered our own apartment he pressed his lips against mine desperately as he pulled me to our shared room. he gave me that look. the same look he gave me everytime we would trust the other with something so intimate. but for the first time i didn't give him the look i would usually have on my face in that occasion. i did want him, but it didn't feel right. i looked at him with my tear stained gaze to which he just stared at, his eyes drowning with desire. i hated being like this, feeling so weak for him. all i could think about was him, and his lips. i kissed him with every drop of passion that was left in me, because it would be the last time i'll be doing it. it surely didn't feel as every other time we did this. i won't make the same mistake again. i was too damn sober for mistakes like this.

and i soon as he fell asleep i packed my bags and left our apartment silenter and colder than ever.

tysm for reading, likes & reblogs are appreciated!! <3

[listwjanka]

Dig Deeper

When I was a young boy, I had a tough time making friends. Mother always said that it's important to have friends, but the other children swerved around me like I was roadkill.

I think they suspected something. Like, children are attuned to the spirit world, it's always in the movies. The kids get possessed by ghosts and demons because they're more sensitive to it, like dogs are. I think they sensed that I have no soul.

As far back as I can remember, it's always been just mother and I. Once or twice I asked about my father and she grounded me. She didn't usually drink alcohol, but she did whenever the topic came up. It's not something she ever talked to me about, like she thought I wouldn't be able to tell that she was drunk during her prayers or that I wouldn't see the bottles. Her big, wet doe eyes would always cloud over when she was drunk, like an unlit room. Maybe she just didn't care if I knew.

We lived in a two bedroom house, slightly off the end of the road. It broke the symmetry of the neighbourhood. Mother said it was because the house was older than the rest of the street, that she'd inherited it from her mother who inherited it from her father and so on.

Once I had a classmate over for a school project - always hated those - and he was a huge bitch about it. He kept asking if it was my grandma's house, complained about the musty smell and how the Holy Marys were all staring at him. It's true, there were a lot of portraits, statuettes, icons and such of Holy Mary around the house, on desks, shelves, walls. If you took a piss on the floor, a stray droplet would inevitably hit some sort of catholic iconography, that's how many there were. That and crosses, rosemaries and books and bibles too old for me to care about. I asked him if there's houses without all this stuff. He looked at me really weird, I can still remember that, and just put his head down to work on his part of the project.

His father was waiting in the parking lot for the entirety of his stay.

While we did have television at home, I couldn't always watch because of mother. Usually I was only able to catch the night program when she was asleep. So most of the time I would be out back in the woods.

The town was like a secluded island surrounded by a wooden ocean. There was a highway that ran straight by, but it didn't make much of a dent in the forest's density. If you had a really bad sense of direction, you could easily get lost there.

I have a lot of memories of that forest.

When I was eight, I caught Mrs. Martens, my PE teacher, having sex with an older student. He was one of those stupid high school meatheads so I didn't think much about it. I don't know how old Ms. Martens was at the time, all adults are really fucking old when you're eight. I knew to hide behind a tree and not draw any attention to myself, so I just stood there unblinking until they were finished.

The same year I found a whole deer skeleton. I don't know how I missed it before, but it laid in perfect serenity on autmun leaves. Its bones were clean-picked and slightly green from moss or lichen that had begun to grow as nature worked to reclaim its due. The hooves though, the hooves still had a ring of that soft, yet firm fur around them.

When my fingers touched that fur, I felt an intense longing, strong enough to etch itself into my brain, a mark fresh even all those years later. To touch something that had long since died, but was still tethered to the world of the living, by the faintest of threads - how death impresses itself upon the living, how it impressed on me, and let me feel something for once. I felt a fire behind my eyes.

I mentioned the deer skeleton at school. I was so enamoured with my find that my bet was, surely the other kids would be too.

Most were grossed out that I'd touched the hooves and even took one home. They started screeching when I showed them that I had it in my pocket.

Others were less squeamish and liked the story and my souvenir, but insisted that I probably put the hooves in my mouth and licked the bones because my family is poor, whatever sense that was to make. When I asked why I would do that, one of the boys stepped forward, knocked on my forehead and asked "Anyone home? How are you this ret***d?"

So I didn't show anybody my skeleton, but the school called my mother to voice their concerns over my behaviour. At home, she made me throw the hoof into the garbage and beat me with a belt until we were both crying.

After that, I stayed away from the forest for a long while and stopped talking to any classmates for good. There was this impassable barrier that everyone felt, but could not break through. Some of my teachers would, every once in a while over the years, gently knock from the other side and talk at me about someone who could help me. When I refused, they would call my mother, who refused treatment much less calmly.

When I was 11, mother began taking me to church more often, until we went nearly every day there was service. I never quite got the hang of it or understood what I was supposed to do or feel and just followed mother's motions. She kept insisting that we were going to save my soul, but I had no idea how repeating the same few dozens of verses every day would heal me from the inside.

There was this part of the service where congregation members were to stand up, go to the front and accept the body of Christ, rather a stale, tasteless waffle. You had to do it in a specific way and I didn't care to learn. I don't know or care if I laid my hands wrong, knelt wrong or said the wrong things, either way, the pastor started whispering to my mother after services.

He would say things like "The boy is simple" or "I believe his soul is gravely ill" and my mother would stand there with white knuckles and tears in her eyes, struggling to speak.

We talked less and less the more services we attended together. When I was 13, she stopped making me go. The other boys were preparing for confirmation.

Now it wasn't just my classmates treating me like a leper - it seemed as though ever since my voice had cracked and my limbs elongated like unfurled colons, adults eyed me with hesitation, their words and movements calculated as though handling a snake.

Mother would lock the door when I came home from school. I wouldn't stay home long anyway and retreat back to my childhood sanctuary: the woods.

I'd always bring a pocket knife to take home any souvenirs, any gifts that Nature would give to keep me company. The deer skeleton was long rotten away, but plenty of other friends took its place.

At age 14 around spring, I found a small pond full of frog spawn. The frogs themselves had long left their offspring to fend for themselves. The spawn felt good in my hands and I started crushing the eggs like bubble wrap.

If anyone asked me why, I wouldn't know how to answer. It just happened. Every pop made my bloodflow more audible to my ears. For the first time in years, I could feel the strength in my fingers, the pressure in my eyeballs, the heat of my guts. I wondered how much life was in those tiny gooey balls. Whether my squeezing the wet contents out of them let me absorb their energy. Whether those still-developing creatures felt anything at all. Would they feel anything later? How much sentience could I ascribe to the goop in my hands?

That summer I went to hunt frogs. I saw and understood that they ran away from me, perceiving me as a considerable threat - much like the humans in my life. But they weren't strong enough to fight back and were easily skewered by my pocket knife.

Frogs have such big, lively eyes. People would sometimes tell me my eyes were lifeless and dull. In movies, people would say "There's no life behind his eyes." when describing bad guys or demonic possessions. Maybe, I thought, maybe. Maybe if I dug a little, I could find their souls.

Mother always spoke of souls, so matter-of-factly that it did not cross my mind to doubt her. Until I knew better, I figured souls were much like the other organs - and that they must be quite small, because I never found them in the biology books at the school library.

A frog is much larger than a tadpole or an embryo, I figured, so their soul should be visible somehow. Perhaps it would be small and hard like a seed. Maybe it was more all-encompassing, but very thin like a stretched patch of skin on the inside.

I remembered those frog dissection classes from movies and improvised my own. Its guts weren't nearly as colourful as textbook illustrations had me assume. There were some orange cords nestled in its insides by the leg, an olive-green organ reminiscent of a pinecone seed and what I assume was punctured lungs. The sight made me think of strange european dishes that I saw on the TV sometimes.

Since the body was too tattered to tell much from its shredded insides, I spent the rest of the afternoon hunting for frogs - but I would not find salvation in their tiny corded guts that day. There was no shining pearl, no glowing patch, no tiny seed out of place. Try how I might, I did no find their souls.

The next day, however, something unusual happened: At school, my teachers would comment on my "rosier complexion", how there was a spring in my step, a light in my eyes. I was taken aback - indeed, I was in a much better mood than usual after yesterday's efforts.

After what happened with the deer skeleton, I chose my words more carefully to avoid trouble and said, yes, I had a lot of fun working with my hands yesterday. I said I'd been woodcarving.

The teachers seemed pleased with my inexplicable shift in demeanour. Their words rolled around in my head like lost marbles - there was no space for pleasantries in my insides. No suitable place to stow away marbles behind lightless eyeballs.

I began thinking. Maybe, a frog's soul is fluid? Or maybe it's microscopically small and absorbed into my skin through the fingertips while I was carefully pulling muscle from bone in my search. Maybe, I'd made their life, mine.

It was an invigorating thought. I looked around me and noticed hair fractures developing in the barrier that had barred me from the others for all these years. Maybe I had to work hard, much, much harder than others had to, to break through.

I did take up wood carving. My first attempts weren't good. Then I took one of the myriad of crosses from our house and started mimicking its grooves and cuts, however crudely. I left the finished cross and the emaciated, wooden Jesus nailed to it wrapped in linen for my mother to find.

When she did find it that evening, instead of bolting right away into her bedroom, she sat still at the kitchen table, holding the gift so delicately as if it were a premature stillborn, sobbing quietly. I knelt next to her and she gently ran her fingers through my hair. Her big, wet eyes didn't dare meet mine.

Still, I didn't give up on finding the soul, but I started searching larger animals. I was on to something. The fractures in my barrier were nearly thick enough to break it and I could nearly taste the crisp air of the outside world.

When I couldn't find it in a rat, I searched through a bunny.

When I didn't find it in a bunny, I dug through a cat.

When the cat's body bore no fruit, I set eyes on Prometheus.

Prometheus was a large, black mutt, some sort of sheepdog with big, sharp eyes. He was smarter than his two trash owners combined, so luring him was no easy task. Fortunately for me, he'd also just barely stopped being a puppy and wasn't quite as serious as his older peers.

If any animal in the vicinity had a soul that could be seen with one's bare eyes, it was Prometheus.

I'm sure he was a fighter, a brave boy, but anyone struck with a hardwood plank to the head wouldn't have much time to recover from the impact. He didn't have the chance to make much noise. The woods were silent that night.

Sometimes, I do wish he'd managed to run away - and I don't want to go into any more details out of respect - but as my gloved hands carefully mapped out Prometheus' viscera, his sacrifice was well worth it.

Right there, on his left kidney, was a splendidly white growth, the likes of which I'd never seen in the schoolbooks. In the beam of my flashlight, it seemed to still be alive, to pulsate. It was the size of a rosemary pearl, firm to the touch and still warm, exuding a mist in the cool night air.

Prometheus' soul.

Awestruck, I reverently cut out the kidney and carefully placed it in a ziploc bag. Weeping in total silence, I stared into the great dome of stars above and felt how each and every twinkling light above was the eyes of God looking at me with great love and benevolence. I searched and found. A bloodied lamb, its wool now washed by God's gentle hands, held in a warm carress. You did it. I'm so, so proud of you.

As luck would have it, when Prometheus was found, it seemed that some woodland animals had gotten to him. The hunter said his innards were fully consumed by the time he found the dog and the soft belly flesh torn and gnawed on. God was looking out for me that night, I knew it.

Our school had a Thanksgiving festival that year and I carved wolf and dog figurines out of wood for the occassion. Surprisingly, they sold very well and were well-received. Mother's parish seemed especially taken with my effort - or rather, me. I was ecstatic about my findings and radiated religious enthusiasm. I listened ravenously to their retellings of biblical tales of men who braved great despair and made great sacrifices, only to emerge holy in the eyes of God. I saw myself in those men and could not help but choke up with them over God's boundless grace. For once, mother's eyes weren't so sad but betrayed a great happiness in their hazel warmth and radiance.

I felt connected.

Then Mrs. Martens came over.

She hadn't been my PE teacher in seven years and I had not paid any attention to her in just as long. Her auburn locks were now slightly streaked with silver and she wore a smile that didn't quite reach the rest of her thin face. She said my name as if it were a spell.

"We're so happy to see you getting on with our flock now, dear. Your mother's always been so worried about you, but turns out you're just an artist!"

She leaned in closer. Too close.

"I won't fuck you, Mrs. Martens."

The crowd around the stand fell dead silent. The only sound was the rush of blood in my skull.

I'd never seen someone turn so sickly pale so quickly. The white of her bulging, veiny eyeballs reminded me of the surface of Prometheus' soul.

She started staggering and stammering about how she didn't understand and didn't know what I was talking about. So I explained how seven years ago, she had a student raw her against an oak tree. How she yowled like an alley cat as a boy half her age fucked her from behind and how she sardonically implored him to stay quiet afterwards. How I thought it was disgusting and how I didn't want her near me, lest she touch me like she did with him.

There was a great chaos afterwards and a lot of it is a blur to me. I remember mother grabbing me ere anyone else could, dragged me home and barricaded the door with a musty sofa. We'd never run so fast and I'd never heard her scream like this before.

She screeched about baseless accusations and embarrassment and how she could never show her face outside again. I was deeply confused - wasn't it proper to be honest? Didn't Mrs. Mathers defy God by forsaking her husband, shouldn't her sinfulness be known?

Mother was frothing at her thin-lipped mouth, her skin red and blotchy from the blood pressure building just behind her skin.

"You RE*****D! You GODLESS FREAK! STOP PUTTING HIS NAME IN YOUR MOUTH! YOU'VE RUINED ME! RUINED MY LIFE!"

It hurt. She was very wrong, but it still hurt. I explained how God favoured me. How I found Prometheus' soul in his guts after believing and searching for so long!

Mother stared at me with an ineffale fire behind her eyes, an intensity defying that of anyone I'd ever seen: "You blithering moron; animals don't have souls."

She had to be wrong. Her words split my insides. Was that true? What was I missing? I'd found his soul, right? It was a soul, right? Could I actually make sure? Was I sure? Are you sure?

In those torturous moments, I begged God for guidance - and He answered me with mother's burning stare. Her big, soulful eyes, coals burning in sockets.

I understood that I needed to search once more.

The pocket knife wouldn't cut it this time.

[chefdoeuvre]

Aftermath

Jay Halstead

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Sister!Reader

Description: People always tend to forget about the aftermath.

Words: 2,122

Requested: yes by anonymous; second, if it's ok i wanted to request a part two to the imagine? i was wondering if you could just explore the aftermath of her assault, as she continues to heal and accept what's happened to her. by this i mean experiencing ptsd and having nightmares, flashbacks and dealing with certain triggers. also, maybe she could still sometimes turn to substances as many survivors do, and just break down sometimes. obviously since it's a halstead sister fic and i love the support system in the last story, i'd love to see jay helping her through everything and being super protective + some scenes with the rest of intelligence? but it's obviously up to you. thank you so much <3

Warnings: mention of drinking, sexual assault, drugs, language, PTSD, Jay Halstead and all of Intelligence being the best.

A/N: This is the long awaited part two to Infliction, and by long-awaited I mean like a month later. I tried to make the end light hearted because it seemed like a good way to go. I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors.

—

It had been a few weeks since the party and things were beginning to look up. You and Brayden started hanging out more and it was safe to say the two of you were on your way to becoming best friends. The group of guys had all been arrested and sent far away from you. You, Jay, and Will have been having more frequent family movie nights instead of them heading out to Molly's every free night they got. Intelligence had basically adopted you as one of their own and even went out of their way to hang out with you. Kim and Hailey had girls nights away from the ever-annoying guys they work with. Adam and Kevin practically chauffeured you to hangouts with Brayden and took you out to your favorite diner on the weekends. Even Hank had called you once in a while as a check-in and to keep you informed about your case. Overall things seemed to be getting better for you.

Except for one little detail. Your PTSD was hitting you like a truck. Of course, the only person who even remotely knew what was happening was Brayden because he was the one person you spent most of your time with. Thankfully he was there to help ground you and calm you down when it all became too much for you. This wasn't sudden, it's been building up since it happened and clearly you needed to work on accepting it rather than shoving it all down. That's one thing you and Jay had in common, the two of you always had trouble addressing your problems no matter how big they became.

Currently, you were laying in bed and staring up at your ceiling that Jay had covered in stars for you. If there was one thing about you is that you still are a child at heart. You had been shocked awake by your recurring nightmare. It always followed the same premise of the night of the party but every night there were either different people, points of view, or different actions you took that still led you to the same outcome. There were dried tears staining your cheeks that you hadn't bothered to wipe away and every few moments there would be a soft sniffle to break the eerie silence.

Having enough of staring up at your ceiling you let out a low huff and pushed yourself up to a sitting position. You turned to the side and looked at the clock resting on your nightstand. The clock read 4:19 AM which was clearly too early for you to be up but too late for you to try and go back to sleep before Jay's rustling while getting ready would wake you up. Reaching over to open the drawer in your nightstand you checked the small bottle hidden under the glasses case that held your blue light ones. It was three-quarters full of vodka you had inconspicuously stolen from Jay's cabinet. You kept promising yourself that you wouldn't drink anymore, but clearly, that wasn't really panning out in your favor. Sure you would have a swig or two before braving yourself and heading off to school but it was to take the edge off, not to get drunk.

If Jay were to check through your drawer he'd probably think otherwise. You had stopped with the pills since he had found you, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him so you continued to drink. Obviously, it wasn't a lot and definitely not enough to get you drunk off your ass. You just wanted to be buzzed enough to have the courage to walk into your dreaded school every morning and deal with the numerous triggers you kept on discovering.

Eventually, it was time for you actually start getting ready for school. Jay had already left for work a while ago, leaving a kiss on your head before stepping out the door. You pulled on a random outfit that was comfortable and your usual pair of shoes before throwing your backpack over your shoulder and walked downstairs. Deciding against your worst judgment you made the choice to brave the day without the buzz of alcohol. Waiting at the front entrance of your building was Brayden. Like every morning the two of you would walk to school together if Jay had to go into the district early. If Jay only had paperwork that day he would drive the two of you to school instead, but that didn't happen very often.

The two of you walked to school silently, only exchanging a few words of greeting. Once you had made it to the large building you both had to split up for your classes. The day went on like usual, boring teachers droning on about upcoming assignments and tests. Lunch had arrived after what seemed like forever and you sat at an empty table practically half asleep. You held your head in your hand as you kept your eyes from slipping shut at the exhaustion.

"You not feeling too hot there?" One of your classmates from English asked as he passed by.

You froze at the familiar words before shaking yourself out of the memory.

"Fine, just tired." You brushed off their comment as he nodded with an understanding smile before continuing to his table.

Moments later the door opened and you picked your head up reluctantly. It was a few guys on the football team.

"You not feeling too hot there?" One of the seniors asked you.

You simply shook your head which only worsened the pain in it. The boys walked a few steps closer before placing their hands on your shoulders. They shoved you back onto the bed and immediately your body began to react.

You kicked and punched aimlessly to get them off of you but your movements were uncoordinated and your mind was foggy. There were too many of them and they began to overpower you, their hands wandering to unwanted places.

“Y/N?” Brayden’s voice pulled you out of the flashback.

“Huh?” Your teary eyes darted around his face before focusing on his concerned expression.

“Let’s head to the library, all right?” Brayden suggested already standing up from his seat across from you.

You nodded silently before hiking your bag over your shoulder and walked to the library beside him. Luckily at your school, they were lenient enough to let you head to the library during lunch. Usually, the kids didn’t take advantage of it but it was an unspoken spot of peace for you and Brayden.

The two of you sat at a table near the back and Brayden pulled a chair up beside you.

“Want to talk about what happened back at lunch?” Brayden asked softly.

You bit your lip in contemplation. This had been happening for weeks and every time you’d shake your head and change the subject. But the fact was it wasn’t getting better and you just needed to tell somebody that you weren’t okay. A few tears slipped out of your eyes which led to quiet sobs escaping from your lips. Brayden offered you a hug with outstretched arms, making sure to check if you were okay with it. You leaned forward into his embrace and squeezed his waist tightly. He held you there while rubbing soothing circles on your back until your cries stopped. You lifted your head off his chest and wiped away the remained tears on your cheeks before speaking up.

“Uh, flashbacks. I’ve been getting them for a while. I thought they’d go away, but they haven’t.” You explained with a sigh, avoiding his gaze and instead taking interest in your hands.

“Okay first, if they happen again tell me, or pull on my sleeve and I’ll get you somewhere quiet. Got it?” Brayden bent his head to try and get into your eye line.

You nodded your head with a hum before he spoke up again, “since they haven’t gone away maybe you should talk to someone. Preferably a professional, but if you’re only comfortable telling me then I’m all ears. Although, I’m not sure that I can cure you with magic, wish I could though.” Brayden tried to lighten the mood with his magic comment.

“Thanks, Brayden. Jay actually has been bugging me about seeing a therapist. Said it helped him with his PTSD, I think I might take him up on it.” You looked up at the boy with pursed lips.

“That’s good. Just know we’re not trying to force you into anything, we just want you to feel better however long that may take.” Brayden gave you a soft smile.

“You are wise beyond your years, you know that?” You smiled back with a small laugh.

“I try, I try.” Brayden shrugged nonchalantly.

“Can you come with me to the district after school?” You asked cautiously.

“Of course, not like I’d rather do my homework.” Brayden laughed.

“And there’s the Brayden I know.” You smiled widely.

Soon enough you and Brayden had been making your way to the twenty-first district to talk with Jay and probably the rest of Intelligence. The air was lighter between the two of you once you had finally started to open up. Of course, you hadn’t spilled everything but the little you had told him made the weight on your shoulders lessen slightly.

“Ah, baby Halstead and company, what brings you here?” Trudy greeted from the front desk with a tight-lipped smile. Even if she didn’t want to admit it, she had a soft spot for you.

“Can you ring us upstairs? I need to talk with Jay.” You asked.

“You’re lucky they haven’t caught a case today.” Trudy walked out from behind her desk and led you and Brayden upstairs.

“Thank you, Trudy.” You smiled and followed the woman.

“I have a special delivery for Detective Chuckles.” Trudy spoke up once the three of you reached the top of the steps.

Jay’s head snapped up from his desk with a look of confusion when his eyes landed on you. He quickly stood up and scanned you over for anything.

“What happened, are you all right?” Jay cupped your cheek in concern before sparing a glance at Brayden for any sign of something bad.

“I’m okay, I just needed to talk to you.” You reassured him.

“All right. You wanna head into the kitchen?” Jay asked.

“No, we could talk at your desk. They’re all gonna find out anyway.” You gestured to the rest of the unit who was watching the two of you intently.

Jay nodded his head and led you to his desk. You reached out and held onto Brayden’s arm as you pulled him along to take a seat and sit beside you. Of course, at this, the entire unit had gathered around with concerned faces once you started to explain to them. Jay’s expression was held with soft eyes as he listened to you agree with wanting to try therapy and asking for help.

Once you were done Jay stood up and placed a kiss on the top of your head before whispering into your hair, “I’m proud of you.” Jay pulled away to give you a warm smile.

“All right come here you little muffin.” Kim held out her arms with a smile.

You stepped forward into her embrace as she squeezed you tightly, she rocked the two of you from side to side eliciting a small giggle out of you. Hailey joined the hug with a laugh once Kim pulled her by the arm.

Antonio placed a hand on your shoulder once you, Hailey, and Kim pulled away, “I’m proud of you, kiddo.” He offered you a kind nod.

“So proud.” Kevin gave you one of his signature bear hugs.

“Okay, it’s my turn.” Adam squeezed his way to stand in front of you. Which caused everyone to laugh at his eagerness.

“I could never forget about you, Ruz.” You wrapped your arms around his shoulders as he lifted your toes off the ground.

“Are we done yet? You guys are treating my sister like an attraction.” Jay sassed.

“You’re just mad that you only got to kiss me on the head and not a hug.” You retorted from leaning back into Brayden with a smirk.

“No, not true.” Jay shook his head with furrowed brows.

“Yup, totally jealous.” You nodded convinced.

“How did we go from a serious topic to Halstead and mini Halstead having a sarcasm battle?” Adam questioned with a confused expression.

“I learned to stop questioning it.” Brayden shrugged from behind you.

“It’s how we cope. Halstead thing, I guess.” You said with raised brows.

“Fair enough.” Jay sighed.

[shadow-night]

Bounty Hunter in the Shadows Chapter 1

More chapters here on Ao3.

Story Tags: Erasermic, Friends to Lovers, young Aizawa Shouta, young Yamada Hizashi, Slow Burn, Slice of Life, Hurt/ Comfort, Angst and Feels, Comedy, Fluff, mental breakdown, PTSD, flashbacks, self-medication, drug use, homelessness, homeless Aizawa Shouta, unhealthy coping mechanisms, survivor guilt, cats, growing gp, character study, character development, recovery

Chapter 1: Aizawa and Yamada

Finally graduation day arrived. Aizawa held his UA high school diploma in his hands. This was a joyous occasion – or at least it should be. He should feel proud, which he did to an extent. Aizawa could not help but find the entire event nostalgic before it was even over.

He was a little proud he managed to pull through and finished school, graduating from the most famous hero school in Japan no less, but he also felt a deeply routed guilt. Yamada was joking and laughing with friends. Everyone was loud and happy, yet someone was missing.

Yamada tore Aizawa from his thoughts as he excitedly called out to him. Aizawa put on a teasing smile, silencing him with a quirk and vanished. It was meant as a joke but it also was great to escape his classmates.

Aizawa rolled his eyes at the endless amounts of texts Yamada sent him. He could practically hear the disappointed yelling while reading about how he had missed all the group photos. He didn't even bother to listen to the voice messages or pick his phone up when it rang. Aizawa went home and relaxed on his bed, knowing his foster parents wouldn't get home until later.  He wondered what would happen if he left right this moment without another word to anyone. His suitcase was already packed.

A new message lit up his phone's home screen. Aizawa reached for the device, only now bothering to look at the chat.

Yamada:

We're all going out to eat tonight. Will you come?

Aizawa:

No. I promised them dinner.

It was true. He had promised his foster parents a ‘goodbye dinner’ before moving out. It was the reason why he didn't leave right this afternoon. They were decent people and were kind enough to give him space and not pressure him into spending more time together, so when they asked if he would have dinner with them tonight he couldn't say no.

Yamada:

But you're leaving tomorrow morning, right?! When will we see each other again??

That was a good point. It still hadn't quite sunken in that they would not be back at school again soon. They wouldn't just leave school for a weekend or a holiday, but forever. Aizawa almost regretted not staying longer at school now, though he also knew that it wasn't his thing. Seeing everyone excited for the future and sad they would part would have been a little too much. He was happier alone in his bedroom.

Yamada:

Can I come over?

 Aizawa:

What about dinner?

 Yamada:

We meet later. I'll come over.

Well. Now that that was decided all there was left to do was to wait for the energetic blonde. Wherever Yamada had been, he couldn't have been too far from his home. He was out of breath when, ten minutes later, he rang the doorbell non stop until the door was opened for him.

"Come on in." Aizawa said and they headed over to the brunet's room, where they sat down on the bed. At least Aizawa sat down. Yamada flopped onto the mattress still trying to catch his breath.

"You could have walked here." Aizawa noted.

"Yeah, but I didn't want to miss any more time! Who knows when we'll see each other again!" Yamada said.

"You're the one who wanted to work in America." Aizawa reminded him.

"I knoooow." Yamada whined, but then a grin returned to his face. "But I'm sure it's gonna be awesome!" he said determinedly.

"Just don't start talking to me in English all the time." Aizawa said and realized that he really would miss Yamada.

During their first year at U.A. he did not get particularly close with anyone but Shirakumo and  Yamada. In their second year Aizawa had allowed himself to befriend Kayama a little. The cat Aizawa and Shirakumo found and gave to her had helped a lot in terms of befriending the girl who was a grade ahead of them.

After Shirakumo's death Aizawa made sure it stayed that way and distanced himself from others. He couldn't bear the thought of getting close to someone again only to loose them later. He looked at Yamada who lay on his back next to him on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Aizawa didn't want to think about how he would react if anything happened to the blonde.

"What train will you take tomorrow morning?" Yamada suddenly asked.

"Why? Don't tell me you want to meet me at the station." Aizawas tone was flat and seemingly uninterested.

"Ehhhh? Why not?!"

"You'll be hung-over." Aizawa stated.

"What? You really think us aspiring pro heroes will succumb to underage drinking?!" Yamada called out in mock surprise as if they hadn't- together in fact- gotten drunk before. Then he turned more serious. "I'd still come if you told me what time the train left." Yamada claimed.

"At 8:00 in the morning? Are you sure?" Aizawa said, a small smirk ghosting on his lips.

"Damn. That's early. Why are you torturing yourself like that?" Yamada asked, knowing how much Aizawa hated getting up early himself. Though, to be fair Aizawa seemed unhappy about getting up at any time. Insomnia was a real pain in the ass.

"I'll still come." Yamada said.

Aizawa just gave a low hum.

"You don't believe me! You'll see. I'll be there!" Yamada bumped his fist into Aizawa's shoulder.

"I didn't say anything." Aizawa said, raising his hands, showing his palms.

"Anyways." Yamada huffed. "You'll have to send me pictures of your apartment when you get there, alright."

"It's shitty. Nothing worth showing off." Aizawa protested.

"I don't care. I just want to see pictures."

"I'll send you pictures of the cockroaches I'll room with." Aizawa teased.

"Please don't!" Yamada looked horrified.

"You get those or nothing." Aizawa shrugged. This was nice. It was easy banter, just the two of them, nothing too overwhelming.

They fell into a comfortable silence, Yamada's eyes landing on Aizawa's packed suitcase.

Yamada had been surprised when Aizawa told him he would leave Musutafu the day after their graduation. He himself would travel to the US soon after the school year ended, but his flight went a week after graduation, giving him enough time to say goodbye to classmates and family. Well, Aizawa could count the friends he had on two fingers and he also did not have much family. Yamada did not know Aizawa’s host family particularly well but the few times he met them they seemed nice. Yamada could not help but wonder if Aizawa left so soon because he felt uncomfortable around them or if it had to do with Aizawa's general attitude and mood ever since their work study ended in their second year.

Yamada had a great support system at home but it was difficult mourning their dead friend himself and helping Aizawa at the same time. Shirakumo's death hit them both hard, though Aizawa definitely had a less healthy way of coping and far less support or people who didn't offer the support he needed which ended in him changing host families a month after their work study. It had been painful to watch Aizawa train in the Gym to the point he was so exhausted he fell asleep in their classes. Yamada had done his best to be there and watch Aizawa as often as he could, sometimes even training with him. It made them grow closer over time.

"You've got to take care of yourself." Yamada broke the silence.

Aizawa frowned, then looked away from the blonde. "You too."

"Hey, you missed out on all the pictures we took, let's take some now!" Yamada changed the subject. They wouldn't see each other in quite a while so they shouldn't just mop around. Aizawa was not impressed by the idea, but when Yamada sat up on the bed and sat right next to him he tilted his head towards the blonde as he held up his phone. Within minutes Yamada's camera roll filled up with new pictures of them both.

"You should leave soon, if you don't want to be late." Aizawa said eventually as he took notice of the time.

"I guess." Yamada said and sat up on the bed. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, alright?" He reminded Aizawa.

"Don't trouble yourself. It will be fine if you don't." He said.

The door fell shut and Aizawa stood alone in the quiet house. Dinner with his foster parents also was a quiet affair. He appreciated that. They did not try to get him to talk more than usual or try to talk him out of things last minute. They asked if he finished packing and if he still needed something, as if anything was worth the trouble of going out this late at night. There were plenty of stores with the same products where he moved. He let them know he had everything he needed and stayed seated at the table after dinner. They drank tea and let it sink in that things would be different from now on.

The night seemed to drag on forever and Aizawa barely slept. He got up early, even earlier than he had to, so he could make breakfast for everyone. He made his host parents favorite tea, put six slices of bread in the toaster oven and got out a pot to make miso soup. He didn't have to cook but even he could make something as simple as miso soup with tofu and seaweed. He set out the jam for the bread and got out some plates when his host parents came out.

Aizawa checked his phone when he got his suitcase after breakfast. No new messages showed up. The blonde sent him a few photos during the night, so Aizawa knew his classmates drank alcohol and stayed up until the early morning hours. He tried to ignore the slight pang in his chest. It was good Yamada had fun last night. He should rest now. They could talk over the phone later, he told himself pocketing his phone. He looked around the room one final time. It was clean and he already pulled the sheets off and put them into the washing machine.

"Remember you can call us anytime." His host mother told him as they stood in the entrance. Aizawa gave a slight nod to signal he heard her as he tied his shoes.

"Don't hesitate to ask for help." Her husband added.

"Thank you. For everything." Aizawa said, looking them in the eyes. He even gave both a hug before he stepped outside and pulled his suitcase to the station.

When Aizawa arrived at the nearest tram station, he realized he gave Yamada the time his other train would leave from the bigger train station. So even if the blonde intended to come he might have thought of the wrong place. He checked his phone but no new notifications showed up. Aizawa pocketed his phone as the tram came to a stop. The small tram was packed with people going to work and Aizawa shuffled to the door, pulling his suitcase as close as possible. He gave an apologetic nod to an older lady close to him. Aizawa focused his eyes outside the window looking at the familiar houses and stores passing by.

Finally the tram reached the central station. He arrived with some time to spare and checked his phone while he stood waiting at the platform. He felt a little forgotten but tried his best to push the feeling aside. He told Yamada not to worry about coming, so it wasn't fair to be mad at him for not showing up.

He could hear his train enter the station and then, even louder than the arriving train his name. "Aizawaaaaaaa!" He knew that voice.

Aizawa turned around to the direction the call had come from and saw Yamada running into the station. Several people held their ears and stared at the blond in irritation. He would have to get to this platform, but the train just arrived so there was enough time. Aizawa couldn't help but smile.

When Yamada finally came running down the stairs he looked like he would throw up any second. "The things I do for you." he huffed out of breath when he came to a stop in front of Aizawa.

"I told you, you didn't have to come." Aizawa said, but his smile gave him away.

"Please just tell me you are happy to see me so that it was worth coming." Yamada begged. He wore a t-shirt with an unidentifiable stain on it and one of his shoelaces was open. He was very pale and his unstyled hair hung in his face.

"Yeah. I'm happy." Aizawa gave in. "Thank's for coming." He said just as Yamada stepped away from him and threw up over the other side of the platform where no train was.

"Are you alright?" Aizawa asked, holding the other's hair back. Other people were stared more or less subtly.

"Ugh..." Yamada groaned. Aizawa glanced at the clock, "Wait here. I'll be right back." He said and jogged to a vending machine to get some water.

"Thank's." Yamada said after he washed his mouth out and took a sip. "Sorry about that." He said, rubbing the back of his head.

"Do you need money for a taxi back?" Aizawa asked.

"No, no! It's fine. Keep your money! I still have some." Yamada said. He pulled his walled out in demonstration. He knew Aizawa did not have much saved up and he doubted he suddenly accepted more from his host family.

"If you're sure." Aizawa said.

"Actually, let me pay you back for this." Yamada held up the bottle Aizawa just got him.

"It's just water." Aizawa shook his head.

"Alright. Thanks." Yamada put his wallet away again. They stood in silence for a moment after that.

"Well...-" Yamada tried to break the silence.

"I have to get on the train soon." Aizawa said at the same time.

"Ah...right. Well...I'll hear from you soon right? Send pictures!"

"Of roaches. Sure." Aizawa couldn't help but tease with a smirk.

"I got up and came all the way here and this is how you thank me?!" Yamada said so loud he winced himself. He hadn't even spoken that loud but with his head already pounding every decibel felt like too much.

"We'll see." Aizawa said and reached for his suitcase. Should he give Yamada a hug? His arms twitched, though he kept them at his side. "Get some rest." he said, taking a step back.

"You too!" Yamada nodded, wincing once more at his own volume.

"Thank's for coming." Aizawa said, standing in the train's doorway. "Bye."

"Bye." Yamada said a little quieter now, but with a smile on his face while he waved. The blonde was always so positive and energetic. It was nice. Aizawa waved as the door closed, then moved to look for his seat.

It was a window seat and he waved once more once he sat down. Yamada waved with two arms as the train began to move.

This was it.

Aizawa's chest felt tight as the train drove out of Musutafu. So many memories were connected to the city. Good, as well as bad. He gulped down the lump that formed in his throat and pressed his shirt's sleeve against his eyes. A new chapter of his life started with his move to Naruhata. There was no turning back now.

More chapters of Bounty Hunter in the Shadows on Ao3 :)

[itsadamcole]

all i want (for christmas)

fem!reader x roderick strong

it’s been four months since reader and roderick strong broke up. It’s been four months since they last talked, until they’re both invited to the same Christmas Eve party ... “all i want for christmas is for you and me to fix this”

word count: 3k+

warnings: angst, a little fluff, sad!reader, cheating accusations, mentions of cheating

— this is kinda based on liam payne’s “all i want (for christmas”. i love this christmas song so much —

masterlist || part 2 || request an imagine here

***

"Yeah, of course," you say, forcing a smile as you talk to Adam Cole. "I'll be there. I'm not going to let what happened get in the way of holiday celebrations."

Adam smiles, happy. "Yay," he says. "I'm sure the guys wouldn't mind see you there. It's been a very long time. Britt's even been saying how she misses hanging out with you and seeing you."

You give a little laugh and say, "Maybe I'll just steal her away from you for the night."

His smile fades and he jokes, "Don't you dare. I'd like to see my girlfriend at some point during the party."

"I'll think about it," you say. "See you in a few hours then."

Adam nods and walks off. The smile you've been managing to force drops immediately after he turns his back to you.

You would rather do anything else then attend a Christmas party that you know your ex-boyfriend will be attending. It's the Undisputed Era's annual Christmas party. They wear their green Undisputed Era sweaters and rent out a rental hall for the night from about seven until midnight the day before Christmas.

It's about three in the afternoon and there are four hours until the Christmas Eve party. You leave the Performance Center gym at four after you're done working out your anxiety about the party.

You head back to the house that you bought with said ex-boyfriend. You never found a place to move to after the breakup so you've been living here for the last four months.

After showering and blowdrying your Y/H/C colored hair, you curl your long locks and do your makeup. You do a dark red eye shadow with matching lipstick.

Once your hair and makeup are done, you walk to your closet. You look for anything that you could wear to a Christmas party. You find a dark red sequin dress.

The dress is short. ending about halfway down your thighs, with three-quarter sleeves. The sleeves cut off about halfway down your forearm, not quite reaching your wrists. The neck cuts right across your collarbone area, not showing a hint of cleavage. Usually, you'd wear something that shows off your chest but you decide against it tonight.

To complete the look, you put on a pair of dangly red diamond earrings and a silver bracelet. You wear a pair of dark red heels to match the sparkly dress.

As you finish getting ready, your phone begins to ring. You walk over to see that Kyle O'Reilly is calling. You sigh and answer the phone, saying, "Yes, Kyle. Relax. I'm about to leave to go to the party."

"Adam made me call," he says. "I told him to relax and that if you said that you would be there then you would. You're not one to back out on promises."

You close your eyes and sigh. Adam didn't make him call. You one-hundred percent knew that it was Roderick who made him call. You also knew that it was Roddy who made Adam ask you if you would come to the party.

"Tell Roderick that I'll be there," you say. "And don't tell me that it was actually Adam that made you call. I know it was Roddy."

Kyle stammers, "It definitely wasn't, uh, Roddy. He's, um, busy?"

You roll your eyes and say, "Sure. See you in a few, Kyle."

You hang up the phone and make sure you have everything you'll need. You take your car keys and leave the house.

The drive to the rental hall isn't that long. Well, it's close to forty five minutes that's not long enough to calm the anxiety you're feeling and the butterflies in your stomach.

It's been four months since you and Roddy broke up. You see each other at work all the time but something about an unprofessional atmosphere that is sending you into an anxiety attack as you drive.

Your hands are sweaty and your breathing is a little labored as your mind races. You have no idea what could happen tonight. You're terrified.

After you pull into a parking spot, you sit in the car watching several other wrestlers walk into the large building. It's close to seven before you get it together.

You form an objective as you click into the building. Find Britt Baker and don't leave her side.

Britt is your friend outside of WWE. You met her through Adam. You have several other friends that wrestle in AEW because of Britt introducing you since she wrestles for the brand. You hope that they're here too.

Christmas music blares from almost every direction of the room. You spot several pieces of mistletoe hanging on the ceiling as you look around at the decorations.

The boys definitely go all out but it's mostly Britt that makes them go all out. If it were up to the boys then there's be one tree and a few lights. But the room is full of decorations. A few trees are stationed throughout the room with bright bright lights. Gold garland is draped throughout the ceiling, almost hiding the green mistletoe.

The tables have red and green covers on them and each table has a little winter or Christmas themed figure in the middle.

"Ahh, Y/N!" you hear someone shout. You look to the left and see Britt Baker walking toward you with her arms out. She hugs you. "It's been too long, Y/N."

You smile and hug her back before you say, "It definitely has."

Britt pulls back and asks, "You holding up okay? I know how hard it must be to be here."

You nod and say, "I'm okay, I think. I'm just going to hope that I get through the night with no tears."

She smiles and says, "Well, you can stay by me. I was just hanging out over there with Reba and Brandi until I saw your cute ass walk through the door. That dress looks fabulous on you."

"Thank you," you say. "That dress looks good on you too."

Britt's wearing a strapless form-fitting red dress with a black belt around her waist. The top of the dress and the hem of the skirt is trimmed with white fluff. She's definitely dress as a more modern version of Mrs. Claus.

Your best friend smiles and says, "Thank you. Okay, lets go back to Reba and Brandi. We'll make sure you have fun tonight. No tears shall be shed while you're with us."

You laugh and walk over with Britt to Reba and Brandi Rhodes. Both Reba and Brandi both compliment your outfit. "It was a very last minute decision," you'd say when they compliment you, making both of them laugh.

As you're drinking and laughing with the girls, Adam walks over. He hugs his girlfriend from behind and kisses her cheek. "I hope that Y/N will let you come see me eventually," Adam says. "I'd like to spend some time with you."

Britt laughs and says, "Now now, Adam. She's having fun and that's our goal for tonight."

Adam nods and says, "It is." He looks at you as you take a sip of your egg nog. "He wants to see you at some point tonight, Y/N. He's sulking and staying away from you though. Please just go say hi to him and say thank you to him for inviting you."

You give a shaky sigh and glance around the room for your ex-boyfriend. You find him in a corner of the room as he talks to Kyle, Bobby, and one of the new girls that have started training at the Performance Center.

He's laughing at something the girl said and your heart wretches in your chest. "I think he's fine," you state. "And I think I'm gonna call it a night."

All the fun you were having for the past hour or so has washed away and now all you want to do is curl up on the couch with hot chocolate and watch Christmas movies on Netflix until you fall asleep. You don't want to be here anymore. No, you can't be here anymore.

As you start to get up, Adam says, "Y/N, I didn't mean to upset you."

You look at the leader of the Undisputed Era and say, "No, it's okay. I just promised myself no crying and if I stay then that's what's going to happen if I stay so I have to go."

Britt looks at you and says, "I'll come outside with you. Maybe I can convince you to stay."

The walls begin to close in on you and you shake your head. "No, that's okay," you say. "Enjoy the party."

You take once last glance at Roddy to see that he's looking at you before you start to walk toward door.

Your throat has closed up on you as you hold back tears. You walk to your car as you remember the laughter coming from Roddy as the girl said something.

"Y/N!" someone calls behind you as you reach the door.

The voice makes you almost lose it right then and there. You turn to see Roderick Strong walking behind you with a concerned look on his face. You shake your head and walk out onto the balcony area. On either side of this area are stairs that lead to the parking lot so technically you're just outside. The cool breeze whips through your hair and hits your face as you walk outside.

Roddy follows you. "Y/N, wait," he says. You sigh and look at your ex-boyfriend.

"What?" you ask, voice cracking. "Are you here just to walk out of my life again?"

Things didn't end very nicely between you and Roddy.

***

"Baby?" Roderick asks behind you.

You stand in your shared bedroom, holding his phone in your hands. Tears falling down your face as you look at the text notifications from his ex-wife on the lit up screen.

Roderick says, "Y/N? What's wrong?"

You sigh softly and read, "Roddy, love, when are you coming over? We want to see you tonight. Please text me when you get these." When you're finished reading, you look at your boyfriend. "What the fuck, Roddy? You told me it was over with her."

Roddy says, "It has been, Y/N. For two years."

"'Love'?" you say. "It's over but she still calls you 'love'. Okay, Roderick."

He walks over to you and he says, "It's not what it looks like, Y/N."

You cry, "I don't believe you, Roddy. I don't. I've seen you around her. You're happier when you're around her then you are with me. You constantly flirt with her and you disappear for days on end right after you talk to her."

Roderick says, "That's to see my son. You know that, Y/N. Do you really think that I'd cheat on you?"

"I don't know," you say. "You never let your son come over here and you just go over to her house. I've never even met your son after close to two years of dating. What's your lie for that?"

He looks slightly hurt as he says, "Because he's only three-years-old and he doesn't understand that his parents aren't together anymore. Adding you in there will only confuse him more. I've been waiting for the right time to introduce you to him, Y/N."

Things start to come together in your mind. That's a perfectly valid excuse. Troy is only three. He would be confused if you suddenly appeared in his life. He wouldn't understand why his parents aren't together. Roddy and his wife split shortly after Troy's first birthday and they've been co-parenting for years.

"I can't believe that you'd actually think I'd cheat on you," Roddy scoffs. "After two years, I thought you knew me better than that."

You immediately jump into defense mode as you say, "I'm sorry. I just never thought about how me being in Troy's life would confuse him. You're just gone for days on end and I-"

"Apparently don't trust me," Roderick says. He walks to the closet and grabs a suitcase. He puts clothes in it. "You don't trust me when all I do is go see my son, who I rarely get to see in the first place."

You say, "Roddy, please, I'm sorry. Please stay, let's just talk it out." You walk up to him and wrap your arms around his waist, not wanting to let go.

Roderick looks at you and says, "You don't trust me so why would I stay?" You look up at him and stay quiet. "Exactly." He takes his phone from you and walks toward the door.

You stand in the middle of the room, tears falling down your face. He stops, with his back turned to you and for a moment, you think he'll stay.

Your hopes are diminished as he walks down the hallway and down the stairs. Once the front door opens and closes, you start to cry. He left. He's gone.

***

You and Roderick stand face-to-face, alone for the first time in months.

"I never left," Roderick says. "You didn't trust me when all I did was leave to see my son."

Guilt hits you instantly and you say, "You could have stayed and we could have talked. I could have explained why I thought that you were cheating."

Roddy crosses his arms and he says, "So explain."

You say, "It's been four months, Roddy. What's the point?"

"I want to know if there was a reason behind why you thought that I was cheating on you," he says. "So explain."

You lean against the railing and you sigh. "It's because it wouldn't be the first time," you say. "When I first started in NXT, I met this guy and he would leave for a few days every few weeks. He would tell me he was visiting family. I received a DM from a girl who told me that she just found out that he was dating me and told me that him and her were dating each other. She had no idea about me. That's why I freaked out like I did because all I could think about was that message. I'll admit, I freaked out more than I should have but I was scared that it was happening again."

Roderick's expression and posture has softened as you explain your reasoning behind your freak out a few months ago.

Your words hang in the air for a few moments and you avoid looking at Roderick as soon as you're done talking.

Roderick finally breaks the silence when he says, "Kyle told me that you knew it was me that put him up to calling you earlier and that it was me that sent Adam to ask you to come. I wanted you here tonight, Y/N."

You finally look over at Roddy and ask, "Why? I thought you wouldn't want me around anymore after what happened."

"Because all I want this Christmas is for you and me to fix this," he says, reaching out and taking your hand. You look up at him with tear filled eyes. "I've missed you, Y/N. These past four months have been hell for me. I haven't gone a day without thinking about you and what would happen if we fixed things."

The tears start to fall down your cheeks as you listen to Roddy talk. You wait until he's done talking before you ask, "Why did it take you so long to try and fix this? Why did it take you four months?"

A car door closes and Roderick looks at the car. I look to see Roddy's ex-wife holding her son's hand. Her and Roddy's son. Troy.

Roderick says, "I've spent the past four months talking to Troy with Marina. We've been trying to get him to understand that his parents aren't together but that we're still his parents. Marina was talking to him about you, Y/N. She's been trying to get him to understand that she's his mother but that I'm with someone else."

Marina and Troy walk up the stairs and you look at Roddy. He looks at you before walking over to Marina and Troy. You stand in the same spot as Troy is picked up by Roddy. You see Roderick say something to Marina as she hands him a bag that was on her shoulder. She walks away and Roddy walks over to you with Troy.

Troy is looking at you and Roderick says, "So, Y/N. This is Troy. My son. This is the reason I left for a few days every few weeks."

You look at Roddy and ask, "After everything, you still want me to meet your son?"

Roderick nods and says, "I'm hoping that we'll fix things and that the past four months wouldn't have been a huge waste."

Troy says, "Y/N."

You raise your eyebrows and look at Troy. He smiles and holds his arms out to you. Roderick hands the toddler to you and you look at Roddy as you hold Troy in your arms.

Roderick smiles at the sight in front of him. "So what do you say?" he asks. "Give me a chance to fix things with us?"

You glance at Troy before looking at Roderick, saying, "Yes."

[taetaesbaebaepsae]

@thecozywhaleshark and @lvupmushroom @ddaengbaepsae helped me with this one

Seokjin

You walk in, exhausted, and you're shocked at the mess in the kitchen.

Flour everywhere, empty bottles of wine, and just so many pies and cakes and cobblers, muffins stacked up in a basket, all your favorite things.

He is asleep at the dining room table, flour in his hair, head on the table, and you walk over and touch his shoulder.

He jerks awake and when he sees you he just buries his face in your stomach, arms so tight around your waist and he's crying so hard.

You stroke his hair and start trying to explain. "My phone, I-"

He shakes his head, looking up at you with wet eyes.

"It doesn't matter now. You're home."

You smile at him, fighting back tears of your own.

"What happened to the kitchen?"

He chuckles, sniffling. "I just kept baking all your favorite things. While I was baking I could forget you were gone, could imagine you coming home to eat them..."

His voice breaks and he buries his face in your stomach again.

He holds you so tight in bed your ribs ache the next morning and you wake up when he brushes your hair out of your face.

"I'm so grateful you're home."

Namjoon

He just stares at you for the longest time.

You explain everything but you aren't sure he's heard a word you said because he just keeps staring at you, almost blankly.

He doesn't say a word until you say, "I'm okay, now." and then he's kissing you so deep it makes your head spin.

He's tearing off your clothes, tugging off his shirt between kisses and soon he's buried to the hilt inside you, holding you up against the wall, murmuring in your ear.

"I didn't know if I'd make it without you, baby. It felt like my heart was caving in. I love you so much. I'm so glad you found your way back to me."

You can't even speak for the tears clogging your throat and you feel his tears hot against your throat when he kisses you there.

For days after he doesn't take his eyes off you, as if he's trying to memorize your face.

Sometimes he'll look at you and suddenly his eyes go all soft and wet and when you ask him about it, he just shakes his head.

"I just can't believe you're here, and you're mine. I can't believe how lucky I am."

Yoongi

Yoongi stays drunk the whole time you're gone, locking himself inside and ignoring everything.

When you use your key to get in he's standing at the kitchen counter, pouring another drink.

His eyes are big and glassy and he just looks at you for a long moment.

He's unsteady when he walks over to you and he takes your face in his hands.

"I know you aren't real, but I need you to know I love you so much. I miss you so bad."

"Yoongi...baby, it's me. I'm here." You reach out to touch him and he flinches.

"God, it's so vivid." He says, voice hoarse, eyes wet and searching your face. "I can feel you."

He's stroking your face, eyes so full of love and pain and you start to cry.

"I'm really here. I was lost and I didn't have my phone but..."

He listens to you explain but he just keeps touching you everywhere, hands rubbing your arms, your back.

"I know I'm dreaming but I don't care. I'll take whatever I can get. I hope I never wake up."

It takes you all night to convince him you're real and you're lying in bed and his eyes are drifting shut but he keeps waking himself up.

"Get some rest, baby."

"No." His voice is slurred from the alcohol and exhaustion. "No, if I close my eyes, you'll disappear."

"I'm not going anywhere. Never again." You climb on top of him and rest your head on his chest and finally he falls asleep with his arms tight around you.

You wake up with him crying into your hair.

"You're still here. You're really alive?"

You smile at him. "I kept trying to tell you!"

"I've never been so happy to be wrong."

Hobi

You go to his place but instead you find Namjoon there, checking his mail.

He is shocked to see you, asking all kinds of questions, but you just want to see your boyfriend.

"Where is Hobi?"

"No one knows. He just...ghosted when you went missing. I talk to him maybe once a week. Fuck, I gotta call him."

You wait patiently while he talks on the phone but it turns into an argument.

"I wouldn't lie to you about this!" Namjoon looks at you helplessly and you take the phone.

"This is fucked up, Joon. I know you want me to come home but this is cruel-"

Hobi is ranting so you just cut him off.

"Hi, baby."

The phone goes dead silent for a moment.

"You're at my place?" His voice is low and hoarse.

"Yes."

"Stay there. Don't fucking move a muscle."

He almost sounds angry with you so you're nervous while you wait.

When he shows up Namjoon leaves quietly. You're still standing in the hall.

He looks like he hasn't slept in days, clothes rumpled, hair messy. He's lost weight, jaw sharper than you remember.

His face is dead serious as he walks toward you.

"Do you have any idea what I've been through? Where the fuck have you been?"

You're angry suddenly.

"What do you think, I've been on vacation? I was trying to get back to you-"

He grabs you around the waist and pulls you to him, breathing in your familiar scent, and his shoulders are shaking.

His voice is choked with tears when he's finally able to speak.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you."

Once you're inside, he holds you for hours, looking at you like you're something so rare and precious.

He listens to you explain what happened with tears tracking down his face.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so angry. You've been through so much. I just...I stopped functioning while you were gone. I left my brothers, I left everything behind because I couldn't face my life without you in it."

"Baby, it's all okay. I'm back now, and you don't have to do any of this alone. Not ever again."

That's when he breaks down, big, chest heaving sobs, face in his hands and you crawl into his lap and his arms go around you and he rocks you back and forth for a while before he can compose himself.

"I love you so much. I'm so grateful to have you in my life."

Jimin

You walk in and it's so dark, all the lights shut off.

He walks into the front room and just stops there, stock still.

You rush into his arms and they go around you slowly at first and then he's holding you so tight you can barely breathe.

He's sobbing so hard you worry he'll make himself sick, you try to pull back to comfort him but he crushes your head against his chest.

When you finally get him to the bedroom he still can't stop crying, kissing you all over your face, choking out "I love you I love you I love you" like a mantra.

He finally dozes off and you sneak to the bathroom.

You're washing your hands when you hear a panicked cry of your name.

You rush out and he's scrambled up on the bed.

"What's wrong?"

He's grabbing at you, desperately, pulling you down onto the bed.

"You can't go. You can't ever go again, please..."

"Baby, I was just in the bathroom..."

But you trail off when he starts crying again, pulling you close and burying his face in your hair.

He's tugging your shirt off and you expect him to kiss you but he doesn't, just pulls you flush against his chest, skin to skin.

He lets out a sigh that almost sounds relieved.

"There. Now you're right where you're supposed to be."

Taehyung

You have to knock on the door because you've lost your keys, you've lost everything but the clothes on your back.

When he swings open the door he doesn't look like you'd expected.

You'd expected his big, boxy smile, but his eyes are almost...empty.

Then realization dawns on his face and fat tears are rolling down his face.

"J-Jagi?" His voice is so low and hoarse you wonder if it hurts his throat to speak.

"It's me, Tae. I'm sorry-"

Your words get muffled by him yanking you inside and crushing you to his chest, arms roaming your back, checking for injuries.

You've got bruises on your inner forearms from the accident and he kisses them soft, almost reverently.

He kisses your mouth, deep and slow, and so sweet it makes your heart ache.

You end up in the bedroom with him taking off your clothes slowly, checking you for injuries and kissing you all over.

He makes love to you so gently, crying the whole time, looking into your eyes and whispering words of love and comfort in his deep, soothing voice.

"You're safe now, yeah? You're home, and nothing will ever take you away from me again."

Jungkook

When he opens the door and you're standing there his eyes widen but he just pulls you inside and asks you what happened.

He's calm and stoic about the whole thing, holding you close and helping you work through your emotions about the accident.

It's almost a week later when things change.

Traffic is awful coming back from work and you've still got your phone on silent from work and you don't think anything of being a half hour later than usual.

Until you almost slam into Jungkook rushing out the door.

"Oh, thank God! Where the fuck have you been I was about to come and look for you?"

You come inside and throw down your keys.

"It was just traffic, Kook, why-"

You look over at him and realize he's trembling all over.

You take his hand and sit down with him on the couch.

"I thought...I thought I lost you again. I can't lose you again, Y/n, it felt like I was drowning, every day..."

His voice cracks and you hold him while he cries, burying his face in your neck.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think about how much this must have affected you, too."

He pulls you close.

"Just be careful, okay? I can't lose you."

[skittles1229]

Old Expectations Die Hard (Dashie x Reader Fanfic)

Chapter One: Weird Circumstances

You know your life is complicated when the friend you always complain to says "you never have a dull moment do you?" I sigh as the weight of the world seems to make it impossible to breath. You see recently things have been rough. I lost my job and my fiance all in the same day, that itself was an unbelievable story. I was so upset and strung out on thoughts of what to do that once i got home early from work i didn't notice the extra car in the driveway. i stepped into my home and my own floors felt as if they'd given way when i saw the guy i thought i'd be spending my life with in bed, with my sister... my sister and i hadn't been on good terms for a while and for a good reason! The drugs she took either made her unreliable and selfish or crazy and murderous. He, of course, pulled the its not what you think, id never hurt you, it was a mistake, and honestly i could write a book out of the excuses i heard in the time of two minutes but maybe another time. Needless to say i left. I never thought about going back and to be honest my sister looked more hurt then i was. I took a job in California a few weeks ago and moved in with my friend (BFF Name). They always seemed to know what to say and honestly i truly believe They  knew me better then i know myself. 

California gave me the biggest culture shock I've ever had. I came from Mississippi, the bible belt and the most rural part of the world. California was sooooo different then what i was use to. The weather is awesome. There's lots of jobs for technical people, at least until you're 45 and then you're considered ancient and you can't possibly know anything when some 23-year old out of Stanford tells you that they know it all. (a little bit of sarcasm there) It's a great place to start a new company, money is available as is talent. The risk of starting a company is lower since you can always find a new job The politics are insane, if you aren't towing the progressive party line you should just STFU. If you even once say that Trump has done something positive, or that Obama did something negative prepare for the wrath. Read the stuff behind the recently filed lawsuit against google for a taste of what it's like. Seriously, don't say a word. The state if structurally bankrupt, although the finances look good because so much stuff is off of the balance sheet. The public pension liability dwarfs the "good" part of the budget, and some day it is coming home to roost. Watch out when it does. The cost of living is absurd, really absurd. I'm not talking just a place to live but gas, electricity, haircuts, milk, pizza, you name it. The traffic is absurd too. (can you tell i like the word absurd) The public transit, although usually on time, is a mess. People are pigs, they throw trash everywhere, the cars are overcrowded almost all the time. 

I've got to say, from how much it sounds like i hate California, i actually don't.  Mainly because its so far away from my original family, leaving really helped me start to grow up and feel like maybe i was getting a hold of my life again. Only problem has been getting to my new job on time. I work as a barista and a waitress at a brunch place a good minute away from the apartment. The money is good, otherwise i wouldn't waste my time with the commute everyday. i keep being late to work because i still haven't adjusted to how terrible traffic is and so my boss was "nice" enough to switch me to the later shifts. The hours are long and boring because my shift starts in the middle of rush hour to the slowest hours at the end of the day meaning you have to find things to keep yourself busy with. the only good thing is, we can wear pretty much anything we want as long as its black. all i wear is dark colors so i didn't have to spend any extra money on a uniform and i didn't have to wear the same thing everyday. Today i decided i wear a v-neck shirt that with an emperor waist (body forming) with black skinny jeans and my regular converse. i decided against driving to work and decided it would be far smarter to catch a bus to the nearest destination. My (hair color) hair was done is a fishtail messy braid, i always liked this style because it made me look like i had a head full of hair when in reality i thought i was going bald. 

My personality was a little odd, you see some days i felt like the beautiful nerd who has no confidence and wants to hide away in a hole. other days i feel like a model from Victoria secrets, of course those are the days i get the most tips. today was honestly a mutual day, where id rather be at home in my bed asleep, or listening to music. The bus finally stopped a block away from my job and i sighed obviously not wanting to go into work. surprisingly there wasn't nearly  as many cars as there usually is around this time but i wasn't complaining. i walk in to see that most of the downstairs was empty but whoever was upstairs definitely had a loud mouth. i walk to the back in order to clock in and i bump into melany ( the girl im shifting with). "wow you actually got here on time! Maybe the boss's mood will cheer up." i huffed a little. "yea, i dont know why i thought id need a car in California, say whats with the low level of customers? its NEVER this slow." she looked at me in disdain, "some guys reserved the entire upstairs and we had to make this huge table out of all our tables up there, glad im not gonna be the one fixing it later." i rolled my eyes, i hated when a huge family came in and they just had to move everything around because little johnny wants the sit next to suzzie and suzzie HAS to sit by her parents bc she likes to throw her food on the floor, all fake names but a real situation ive been in before. "well have they at least been fed so that i only have to clean up after them?" she shook her head while hanging up her apron. "nope, they've only ordered their drinks and they are getting those onto trays now." so today was gonna be like every other day. "guess i better go help them take those upstairs then, have a good rest of your day." i walk away and slip on my apron, grabbed one of the trays of drinks while another waiter grabbed the rest of the drinks. Once i got upstairs, that's when i met him...

Chapter Two: Last Will and Testament

          He was sitting on the far end of the long table of people laughing and joking. everyone seemed to be loud and all had their own inside jokes. This guy, he stuck out. i changed my attention to the task at hand, finishing this shift. i hated when people moved all the tables and seating around. all the waiters and waitresses have to go back behind them and look at the layout of the floor to put them all back exactly as they were before. it was a struggle and because of this nobody actually wanted that job so usually the manager gives it to her least favorite workers and i happened to be one. "who all had coke?" nobody answered me so one of the men bellowed out the same line and somehow was able to get a show of hands. i walked around handing  out drinks, catching the lingering smell of strong liquor. i could tell by the end of tonight they would all be wasted and loud. please, just don't make more of a mess then you have to, i thought to myself. i had one drink left on my tray, "sweet tea?" the guy i saw before at the end of the table waved his hand and i dreaded going over there, i always seem to make a fool of myself when it matters. 

     i make my way slowly down the table with the tray under my arm and the tea in my hand. i lean over to sit his drink on the table.."here's your t-" *CRASH* while joking with one of his friends his elbow crashes into my hand sending the tea flying all over me and the cup crashing to the floor, thank god i wore black. he turned around and looked more horrified then i did. "i'm sorry! i'm so sorry!" his voice was deeper then i imagined it'd be. "no, it my fault i'm sorry ill get you a new one." i turned away to hide my embarrassment and walked away really just trying to get away from the situation. i could tell from the silence behind me that all eyes were on me. i ran to the back where the lockers were for the service. i went to the bathroom and stripped the sticky clothes off throwing them aside. i sat on the toilet  trying to catch my breath, my social anxiety had struck me  hard. a feeling of worthlessness and dread fell over me like a blanket. after the past few months i've had just one day without something terrible happening would mean the world to me. i heard a knock on the door, it was melany, she walked in with a towel from the kitchen. "hey, i heard what happen upstairs are you ok?" i covered my breast trying keep myself as unexposed as possible. "oh yea im fine, im just cold, and sticky, and... covered in tea." melany and i made eye contact and both laughed just to lift the dread in the air. "let me guess, all the guys are getting a kick out of watching me fumble again huh?" i said a little less concerned and more annoyed. she rolled her eyes "they are boys, they get a kick out of picking their own nose. we both slid to the floor beside each other, she hands me the damp towel. i get most of the sticky off as possible, throwing my hair up to make it look less clumped together by the sugar. "i have an extra black t shirt in my locker but i don't know how it will fit you. your breast are at least a size larger then mine." i shrugged my shoulders, "who cares ill make do. thanks for your help melany." she smiled her weird anime girl smile and ran to get the shirt from her locker.

     ill have to admit, she was right about the size thing. it was far to small around the chest area but the rest fit fine. after the incident my boss stuck me down stairs wiping tables and sweeping the floor, i dont mind though because i get to experience the day coming to an end with a beautiful sunset over California. i secretly kept the the window to watch as the sun fell from the sky. the sky seemed to burn and darken while the clouds began to glow with the last bit of sunlight left. the sky filled up with burning Burgundy and faded orange and yellows, the tallest buildings seemed to reach for the skyline as if it were a sunflower moving to the last drip of sunlight. moving here had been hard, and this had become one of the things i looked forwards to. living in the apartment with my friend was nice, buts its not the same as coming home to someone you use to lay with every night. sleeping alone seemed so much colder and emptier then i remembered from childhood. my mother would be so disappointed in the way i turned out, in the places id gone and the decision to spend my life with someone who was most obviously the wrong one. she would have told me to slow down and to take my time, that growing up wasn't everything. she would have said love isn't something you just wake up and have, its something you make. i wasn't anywhere close to where i thought id be by now, and i could see that. it tears at my heart everyday, not being able to see her or any of my family. sometimes it felt as if they'd all died in the fire that night. 

     i suddenly heard a boom of voices making their way down the stairs, i hadn't realized how close to closing time it had become. all of them walk out stumbling and laughing at their own jokes, seems they all got a good bit of drinking in, all except one. The guy i ran into on accident seemed as sober as ever, designated driver i think, he was much taller now. he seemed muscular but in such a fitting way for his body. his teeth sparkle because their so white, his smile complimented him best. his high cheekbones made his chocolate brown eyes his best feature. His skin was glowing with a sweet honey hue and before i could notice that i was staring he turned his head. his eyes met mind before i could think twice and that's when i felt the heat rise to my cheeks. weather it be from embarrassment or silly school girl shyness i didn't know . i turned my face away but it was too late, i turned my face a little just to catch a glimpse of him before he made his way out of the door and that's when i noticed his cheeks had gone from a burnt caramel to a rosy color. i felt my body shiver at the thought that maybe, just maybe he found me as attractive as i found him. i shook the thought from head realizing they had began locking the place down. as i helped close up shop and wash dishes i couldn't help but to let my mine wander to all different kinds of thoughts, funny thing was they always fell back to him and his rosy  cheeks. i couldn't help but smile as i felt my heart race at the thought of him, even though id made a fool of myself today i was glad i hadn't ruined my chances. Even if he'd never get with me or i wouldn't ever see him again, i'd still take it as a compliment that he even looked my way. 

     before long we were all outside laughing and talking about today. The manager locked the doors and said his goodbyes. i turn to walk towards the bus station when i see a man standing aside awkwardly between the restaurant and the parking lot. suddenly my eyes adjusted and once they did, the joyousness butterflies came back and the blush suddenly reappeared on my cheeks..

There are lots more chapter after this if you are interested you can find them here

https://my.w.tt/sosFRmianbb

[girlwithshipsshitshow]

Part 15

(Rose and Eri sat on the beach, their hands laced with each other, they watched the waves crash onto the sand. Eri pushed up the sleeves of her light white hoodie she was wearing, and dug her toes into the sand, her black leggings were rolled up to her knees, Rose wore a similar outfit, a light red hoodie and blue leggings).

Eri: (Picks up a clump of sand and throws it towards the water). This is nice.

Rose: Yeah, its feels good outside too.

Eri: Hey, I had fun last night.

Rose: Yeah, so did I. Want to come spend the night again?

Eri: I can't, I have to work tomorrow, Isaka only let me have a few days off and I promised I'd come back tomorrow to get some stuff organized.

Rose: Okay, I understand. I go back to night shifts this weekend.

Eri: Maybe we can do Lunch friday?

Rose: Yeah, sure!

Eri: But, hey it's only noon, still early, we have the rest of today!

Rose: That's true! What do you want to do? you hungry?

Eri: Sure, lets go get a burger.

Rose: Yeah, I know a great Place, it's called "Blacows" it's about twenty minutes from here.

Eri: Sounds great! (Stands up, pulling Rose up with her, they grab their sandals and wipe their butts off, then they head up the beach to Rose's car).

(Misaki walked out of the bathroom towel drying his hair, he peeked on the couch, good, Usagi was still fast asleep, he quietly walked up to the the his bedroom, he loved that he moved into Usagi's bedroom, at some point they wanted to knock the wall down and expand into the extra bedroom so they'd have more space. Misaki, threw his towel on the floor, slipped on blue boxers, Black sweatpants, and a white tank top, and white pullover, he walked down out of the room down stairs and looked through the pile of take out menus, he really wasn't in the mood to cook, and they were running low on food that isn't junk. Misaki found a menu for Priya Japan, they hadn't had indian in a while, it sounded really good in fact, Misaki picked up the food, walked outside to the balcony, and leaned over the brick wall).

Priya: Priya's how can I help you?

Misaki: Yeah, I'd like to place an order for delivery?

Priya: Sure, what can I get for you?

Misaki: Can I get an order of chicken Tikka Masala, two orders of Palak Paneer, four orders of garlic nan, two orders of cheese nan, and two orders of basmati rice.

Priya: Is that all?

Misaki: That's it.

Priya: Okay, your total comes to nine thousand eight hundred yen.

Misaki: Okay thank you.

Priya: And can I have the address?

(Misaki gives the restaurant the address, hangs up, and puts his phone in the pocket of his hoodie, it's twelve-thirty, he hopes Usagi will be up in time to eat, but he also wants Usagi to get his rest, Usagi also need his nutrients. Misaki sighed he looked out into the city, it was a beautiful sunny day, tomorrow would be cloudy an awfully bad day to take a test, but at least it was a his last test on a thursday, and he was definitely prepared for this test, he loved psychology sometimes he regretted not going into that field. After this test he had friday and the rest of next week to relax before his graduation March twenty second, the only thing that would suck his figuring out what he and Usagi would do, it's not like they only had sex, but a lot of their relationship consisted of it, and until the day of his graduation, they needed to find something else to do. Maybe they could play cards, he recently learned a card game called "kings in the corner" It's like solitaire but multiplayer. Misaki heard the the door to the balcony open, he didn't turn but he waited for Usagi to come beside him).

Usagi: (Groggy voice). Hey, what are you doing out here?

Misaki: I was ordering lunch, You were still sleeping, I didn't want to wake you.

Usagi: (Pulls Misaki into a hug, gives him a kiss on his head), thank you Misaki, but you could've made the in the house.

Misaki: I know. (Turns to face Usagi, he puts his arms around Usagi's neck, smiling at him). Look, I just want you you to get your rest, speaking of which, tomorrow is my final test, are you going to be okay alone for a few hours?

Usagi: (Usagi put his arms around Misaki, pulling him closer to him). Misaki, I think I'll be okay on my own for a few hours, plus it's your last test, you have to take it and pass so you can graduate and we can go on a trip.

Misaki: What kind of trip?

Usagi: Well are you sure you don't want to go on your graduation trip with your friend?

Misaki: (He shook his head and looked up at Usagi), No I want to stay with you Usagi. So if you want to plan a trip for us after my graduation you can, just keep it in tokyo. I don't want to go far, maybe for our honeymoon.

Usagi: (Takes a hand off of Misaki's waist and holds up a finger) Wait a minute, you're saying that when we go on our honeymoon, I can pick the place and you won't yell at me about the expense?

Misaki: Yes Usagi.

Usagi: I'm going to need to get that in writing.

Misaki: Ugh, whatever.

Usagi: Um, but you can get mad at for our trip after you graduate because I already got the tickets, but I did keep it in Tokyo.

Misaki: Fine, but we need to go inside because i'm sure the food will be here any minute.

(Misaki grabbed Usagi's hand and the second they closed the back door, the bell rang, the food had arrived, they spread the food on the table.

Usagi: Oh, Indian smells amazing, we haven't had that in a while.

Misaki: Yeah, I was looking through the take out menus and had the same thought. (Looks up at Usagi) Why do we even have take out menus when everything is on our phone?

Usagi: Because, the ones we have here are from our favorites.

Misaki: (Laughs as he walks into the kitchen), Usagi there's like twenty, we don't have that many favorites. do we?

Usagi: Well of we have that many menus we have that many favorites.

Misaki: Okay Usagi, do you want something to drink.

Usagi: Wine.

Misaki: What kind?

Usagi: Red.

Misaki: Okay, (He grabbed some plates, a bottle of wine and two glasses).

Usagi: ( Takes plates from Misaki, distributes food on the plates while Misaki pours the wine, they sit down in their normal spots). This looks good Misaki.

Misaki: (Mouth full), It taste good.

Usagi: So, what's bugging you?

Misaki: (Shit, Usagi always knew when something was on his mind) How'd you know?

Usagi: Misaki, no matter how much you try you try to hide it, I can always tell when you're upset about something.

Misaki: Well, it's kinda a few things.

Usagi: Okay, (Takes a sip of wine) what are they?

Misaki: Well at some point we need to, um-

Usagi: Tell the public about us? Aikawa is working on setting up an interview unless you want to, it will be part of your job?

Misaki: No, she can do that. When is she planning on doing it?

Usagi: After graduation, before our trip. Is that okay?

Misaki: Yeah.

Usagi: Is that what the problem is?

Misaki: My problem is what will happen if we tell the public? What if people don't accept you, I mean you know how the ladies love you, Usagi you could lose a lot of fans, this could end your career.

Usagi:(Rolls his eyes) See this? (Holds his hand out with his engagement ring).

Miskai: Your engagement ring?

Usagi: Yeah, this bonds us Misaki, you knew that when you proposed. So that means when we come out to the public, whatever happens, happens. I've always told you, I don't care what happens as long as I have you.

Misaki: I know. I love you so much Usagi, everything will work itself out. (Places left hand on top of Usagi's left hand).

Usagi: Yes it will. So what's your other problem?

Misaki: Oh, it's really dumb.

Usagi: What is it?

Misaki: Well, tomorrow is my last test and after that i'm going to be around for a week and a few days, which usually isn't a problem, but since we can't have sex for a while we have to find something to occupy ourselves, like playing cards or something, so while i'm gone tomorrow, you need to figure that out. Make a list of stuff okay?

Usagi: Yeah, I was actually thinking about that too, but I was really hoping you would bring it up first so I wouldn't have to.

Misaki: Well thanks. Anything you want to talk about?

Usagi: Nope, I just think we should eat before this food gets cold.

Misaki: Agreed.

(Rose stood at Eri's apartment door, their hands laced together)>

Rose: Are you sure you can't stay at my house again tonight?

Eri: (Grins), I wish I could, but I have to work tomorrow.

Rose: I thought Akihiko had like four months off.

Eri: (Laughs) Yeah, well Akihiko isn't the only person I edit for, but he is the main one, plus I have four months of transcripts from him that I have to edit, if I get them out now, well that will be huge for the company and him and Misaki.

Rose: Oh, yeah well that's awesome, when can I see you again?

Eri: We can meet for lunch tomorrow?

Rose: Sure, yeah I start back at work again tomorrow, but I should be able to make lunch before my night shift.

Eri: Okay cool, i'll see you around noon?

Rose: Sure.( Smiles and softly kisses Eri on the lips) i'll see you tomorrow.

Eri: Okay.

(Rose kisses Eri one last time before walking off, Eri sighs and walks into her apartment, sit her turns on her hall light, slips her shoes off, she walks to her couch flipping on the telvelstions before flopping on her couch. It was two pm, the time of day when nothing good was on. Eri sighed and flipped on her side, she decied she needed a nap).

(Misaki sat on the opposite couch while Usagi laid stretched out on the other one, he typed away on his computer looking for property).

Misaki: (Sighs, glances at Usagi whose focused "Greys Anatomy, which he was currently binging again. He sighed louder hoping he would get Usagi's attention, but he still didn't. He loudly cleared his throat).

Usagi: Misaki, what's wrong?

Misaki: What if I was dying, and you just now noticed that I needed you?

Usagi: Well you aren't dying, you're on the computer, what are you doing anyway?

Misaki: That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about, I was thinking, have you ever thought about selling this place?

Usagi: It's crossed my mind a few times why?

Misaki: Well I was thinking (He gets up and sits on the edge of the coffee table taking Usagi's hand). I Want us to buy a house, a-a-and not just buy a house, I want us to buy some property and build a house, or at least design it and have people build it for us.

Usagi: (His blue purple eyes lit up, he gave Misaki a half smirk). You wanna buy land a build a house together?

Misaki: Well yeah. Why, is it dumb? it's dumb right? Look, nevermind, it's just I found this amazing property in Kanagawa and its sixty two acres, the going rate is one hundred twenty-eight thousand three hundred eighty-nine yen. It's huge Usagi, and it could be perfect for us.

Usagi: Really? (He sits up grinning at Misaki), what makes you think that?

Misaki: Us getting married, and I had a dream about us buying land and building a house, and I want us to have a family, plus I love this house, but it's not mine it's yours, I want us to have a house together, one that we can grow old together in.

Usagi: You've really given this a lot of thought haven't you?

Misaki: I have, Look we have until June before we really start work again, and Maybe we can look at the property on friday?

Usagi: And where does that leave us the rest of the week?

Misaki: Making design plans, on pintrest.

Usagi: Pinterest? Like that dreamboard app thing?

Misaki: Yeah.

Usagi: Okay, I'll call my realtor tomorrow and see if he can help us.

Misaki: Really?

Usagi: (He smiled running his hands up and down Misaki's thighs) I think us buying land and designing a house together is amazing, I mean we need people to help us clearly because we don't know how to do that.

Misaki: I know, I said that earlier.

Usagi: Let's start by looking at the house.

(Misaki grinned, and leaned forward kissing Usagi softly).

Misaki: I'm going to start making pinterest boards.

Usagi: Have fun with that, I'm going back to watching Greys.

Misaki: have fun that.

(In the early hours of the morning, before Misaki raced to get ready for school, Usagi pulled him close, kissing his head, running his fingers through his soft hair, this always relaxed him, and even though Misaki was extremely confident about this final test, he wanted to stay in Usagi's arms for as long as he could, especially since they couldn't have sex, it felt nice just to cuddle, their body heat filling each up).

Usagi: Misaki, are you sure you'll pass this test?

Misaki: Why are you doubting me, you know psychology is my favorite.

Usagi: Still, I just want to make sure you're prepared.

Misaki: (flips on his side to face Usagi), I am, why don't you believe me?

Usagi: I do, but sometimes overconfidence doesn't mean anything you could still fail.

Misaki: Why are you being mean to me?

Usagi: I just need you to pass so you can graduate and we can-

Misaki: Can what?

Usagi: Begin our lives together.

Misaki: Beautiful save, but I already know about the trip you're planning for us after I graduate because you told me.

Usagi: Oh yeah.

Misaki: What time is it?

Usagi: (Reaches behind him and raises his phone to check the time), six.

Misaki: (He groaned burying his head into Usagi's chest) I gotta get up. I have to shower, my test is a eight.

Usagi: So why aren't you moving?

Misaki: You're comfortable.

Usagi: Go shower Misaki, go to school, kill the test.

Misaki: What are you doing?

Usagi: Going back to bed. I Love you.

Misaki: I love you too.

(Usagi sits up up giving Misaki a small kiss before he walks into the bathroom).

(Usagi leaned back in his chair, his phone ringing, wating for the person on the other end to pick up).

Ren: Akihiko Usami, it's been awhile.

Usagi: Yeah, what thirty two years?

Ren: Yes sir, are you moving out?

Usagi: You didn't think I was just calling to check on your kids did you?

Ren: (Laughs) No sir, so what's making you move, you've lived in that space since you were sixteen.

Usagi: My fiance and I want a space, well he wants to build a space or a lot to build our dream house.

Ren: Wow, Akihiko getting married, that's something I never thought I'd hear.

Usagi: Yeah, well he found a place, can I send you the address, we want to look at it tomorrow.

Ren: I think I can work that out.

Usagi: Well thank you, and we might need some carpenters.

Ren: I have people to help build your house, and interior designers, anything you need to help you build your dream house, my company and I can help you.

Usagi: Thank you Ren I appreciate it.

Ren: Of course.

(As Usagi hung up, another call came through, it was Misaki, Usagi grinned, even though they've been together forever, his heart still raced and he got butterflies whenever Misaki's name came across his phone).

Usagi: Hey you.

Misaki: Hey Babe.

Usagi: How'd your test go?

Misaki: Great, it's being graded now.

Usagi: Ah, and how long will that take?

Misaki: Not sure, it's a small class so maybe twenty minutes at most? Enough about me, how was your morning?

Usagi: Well slow, I had enough time to talk with my realtor, we might be able to have a look at the property in the morning.

Misaki: Oh that's awesome!

Usagi: (Chuckles) I'm glad you're excited about it.

Misaki: I am, I'm really happy.

Usagi: Okay, well i'm on my way to come get you, we can grab lunch.

Misaki: Okay, i'll see you soon.

Usagi: Alright, I love you.

Misaki: Love you too.

[averagesmw]

DC Girls x Reader- Christmas time! (2/3)

DC Comics (Comics, not the movies)

A/N: This is a small one-shot collection, with the theme being the holidays!

I don’t own any of the images, they’re just so you can identify the characters easier

CHARACTERS:

-HARLEY QUINN AND POISON IVY

- KILLER FROST/ LOUISE LINCOLN

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Harley and Ivy

If there was one thing you swore to do was protect Gotham City, even on nights like this one, where most spend their time with their loved ones and get together to eat and party

But the moment you walked into the door, the guys at the GCPD stopped you on your tracks, all insisted that you take the day off, especially since you had covered for a few of them in the past. Normally, you wouldn't agree to it, but when the commissioner himself told you to go home, there was not much to do about it

You got a call from Harley inviting you to Pamela's apartment not so far away from yours. She said she wanted you all to get together for the holidays

It would have come as a surprise if she hadn't talked about it for weeks, even arranging a Christmas exchange between the three of you

And so, with your wrapped gift on hand and a couple of drinks, you walked to the building Pamela lived in. It wasn't hard to spot, it had a greenhouse on the roof

You got to the floor she lived in and knocked on the door, all the noise suddenly coming to an end when you did

Then, Harley herself opened the door, her eyes going wide when she saw you

"Y/N!!"

Was all she said before launching herself at you and trying to start a make-out session, but a vine wrapped around her leg and forced her down. Honestly, the sight was kinda funny

From across the room, Pamela stood there with a smirk and her palm raised to control the vine, making it drag Harley to her

It had quite a few plants, but not too many either. There were also festive lights hung across the walls, probably Harley's idea

It was cozy, to say the least

"Now now, give them some space"

Harley pouted, making you chuckle. This same sound made the redhead look at you with a smirk

"And you, you're here early. Not that I'm complaining"

"Yeah, we thought you'd be working your ass off 'till noon!"

Harley added, still on the floor and you placed the bottles you brought along in the counter nearby

"Well, pretty much the entire police force told me to take the day off so...here I am! Hope it's alright with you girls"

"Are you kiddin'? It's even better!"

The clown girl finally got up, sporting a huge grin as she did. Ivy herself walked closer to you as well

"Yeah, it was about time they recognized what you do for the city"

She then placed a hand on your shoulder and slid it to your cheek, her eyes filled with worry too

"I still don't know why you waste yourself in that place"

With a sympathetic smile, you put your hand on hers and reassured her with your voice

"Someone has to keep the people safe. You know, when the bats aren't around, they deserve some happiness too, you know"

The redhead was about to say something when your mutual lover came through talking from the kitchen

"That's sweet and all, but tonight you ain't a cop, sweetie"

Then she showed up with glasses filled with some of the wine you brought, raising them as if they were an award

"You're Y/N, the sweetest guy/gal in town, and who deserves a drink more than anyone else in here!"

Before any more of the liquid spilled into the floor, Pamela's vines snatched the drinks away and placed them back on the kitchen counter

"While I agree with you, Harls, it's way to early to get wasted. Don't you want to be sober for the exchange?"

Harley began arguing with Pamela about it and all you could do was stand there and smile. Their dynamic was so cute, it was so easy to forget their background sometimes

"Y/N, tell Red I can handle it!" Harley's voice stopped your train of thought with the attitude of a child

"Pam's right, Harley. There's still a long night ahead of us"

And you weren't wrong about it. The dinner was just the beginning, there was a bit of a dance party and of course, the gift exchange

Pamela bought you a package containing all the seasons of your favorite series, suggesting that you watch it together some time

You gave Harley a couple of new roller skates, she wouldn't shut up about how amazing they were and she also wouldn't let go of you until her time was up to bring her gift

It was a plant that had traveled all the way from Asia and into Ivy's arms. You had never seen the girl happier for a gift before

Harley suggested that you should start watching your newly acquired series, but after a couple of episodes, she fell asleep on your lap...and Pamela's

Maybe if you hadn't been stroking her hair she wouldn't have fallen asleep so early, but it didn't matter. The redhead asked you if she could talk to you in the balcony, she said it was important

Upon agreeing to talk, Ivy used her vines to gently lift Harley enough for you to stand up from the couch and as the plants took the girl to sleep, you met the retired supervillain at the terrace

It wasn't that cold, but it was certainly more fresh than inside, a bit darker as well

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

"I just wanted some fresh air, to be honest"

You couldn't help but chuckle at this turn of events. Both of you looking over the city from the balcony with a cup of coffee in hand

"Yeah, it's nice to take a break from everything"

She nodded before taking a sip from the cup

"You said it, a hell of a life we got"

As you looked at the city, you were surprised by her scooting closer to you and trying not to blush about it

"But at least we're in good company"

You chuckled while pulling Pamela close to you, making her yelp by this gesture, but she didn't comply either

"Yeah, we are"

Returning the gesture, Pamela held you closer as well, placing the cups of coffee away before doing so

As for the embrace itself, it was soft, silent for a good couple minutes until you heard her giggling

"You know, I didn't notice until now, but Harley placed some mistletoe here"

She pointed at where the small plant was and smirked at you, making you laugh in the process. It was honestly hard to believe it wasn't Pamela's idea

"You got to respect the tradition"

With your hands on her hips and with hers around your neck, you proceeded to do the only logical thing when faced in this situation. Her lips were so soft, it was addicting

...or at least it would have been if a certain someone hadn't shouted from across the apartment

"IT WORKED!!!"

Harley was peeping just around the corner of the room, and her child-like excitement might have come as annoying, but all you could do was laugh about it

You knew that

Pamela did too

And so did Harley herself, but she was the first one to stop laughing to look directly at you

"...but seriously, I want one too"

Louise Lincoln/ Killer Frost

Arkham Asylum was many things: the home of madmen, the place with the worst security on the planet, and so on but if there was something it was not, was heartless, and Louise soon discovered that the moment there was a knock on the door to her cell

Soon enough, a guard opened the door as well as a psychiatrist. The noise was loud enough to wake her up and sit down on her bed, growling at the poor souls who dared wake to end her sleep

"Good morning, Louise, I trust you sleep well?" The psychologist asked with a kind tone

"Until you came here, yeah" Her answer was weak, but just because she had just woken up

She yawned as she turned around to face the staff, rubbing her eyes

"What do you want?"

"Well, today's a special day. You'll be allowed a complete meal and two extra hours"

Louise looked at the staff in disbelief. They had hardly ever been that kind to her, and they just come to her saying this out of the blue

Better not to joke about removing her inhibitor collar now

"What's so special about today anyway?"

"Well...It's Christmas"

The girl felt her eyes go wide with the realization of the date. Being a resident in Arkham does take away any real sense of time and while the date was meaningless to her, it still felt like a big revelation

"But before you can go on, there is still the daily check-up with Dr. L/N"

She tried her best not to smile at the mention of that name, barely able to maintain her facade

"Fine, take me to them"

Without further due, the guard escorted them to the next room. Along the way, however, Louise found a wide array of different scenes that honestly, were not something to forget

Some of the walls were decorated with ribbons or lights, some of the staff were using Santa hats and hell, even some of the inmates were acting less creepy than usual

It almost felt...peaceful

"Alright, we're here"

The voice of the guard brought Louise back to reality, standing just outside of the room where her interviews tend to take place.

Upon being asked to enter, she stepped into the place to find out that even you were infected with some of that "holiday spirit", the Santa hat and the red/white cup with hot chocolate gave it away

Regardless, what caught her attention the most, was your smile

"Hello, Louise! How are you today?"

You invited her to take a seat across the table, which she did (but her gaze remained just as confused)

"I'm...fine, thanks for asking"

You gave her a nod whilst opening her file, taking out your pen to start taking some notes as was the standard procedure

"Before we begin, I just want to tell you, merry Christmas, Louise"

While the tone alone was enough to make anyone smile, this wasn't the case with her, not even close

"Yeah...you too"

Picking up with her reaction, you immediately shifted your topic of discussion

"Hmm...rocky relationship with the holiday?

"I'd rather not talk about it if that's okay"

Her eyes moved to the side, looking down in an attempt to hide the memory. While it was a trauma worth exploring, it would have to be another time

She barely had any joy in this place, it wasn't proper to ruin the only day she could be happy by forcing her to say it

"It's alright, Louise. We'll begin with our session so you can leave early"

She nodded and without further due, you began asking questions about her state, some opinions on different topics to understand her current pattern of thought and later compare it to the previous evaluation

It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, if anything her answers seemed to be improving, but ever so slightly. And so, in a matter of minutes, you had written down her answer to the final question

"Alright, thanks for your cooperation"

"Wait, that's it?"

"Yeah, you can enjoy your day now"

Instead of showing relief or anything of the sort, you saw her gaze sadden. This little hint of emotion would not go unnoticed

You stooped storing away your material to look at her and softly ask:

"Is something wrong?"

"Well, it's kinda hard to explain, it even sounds weird..."

A sympathetic smile formed across your face. To be honest, such a thing sounded even insulting considering the kinds of things you saw on a daily basis

"There is no such thing as weird, Louise, you know you can trust me"

"That's the thing. You're the person I've spent most of my time with in this nuthouse and now that I got a day to myself I..."

A deep sigh left her lips when she found herself unable to continue. You, on the other hand, said nothing, giving her a chance to gather her strength but also, to appreciate the fact that she was actually being honest for a change

"Can...can I ask you a favor?"

She looked back up, straight into your eyes for that sentence, her confidence being nowhere near where it was, but none of the rudeness was there either

This was... something else

"Of course, what can I do for you?"

You answered almost out of pure instinct, unsure of whether saying yes was the right thing to do, but you had never seen Louise act like this before. You had to discover the cause

"Listen, can...Can you stay with me, just for today?"

All the intrigue, the curiousness, and even fear disappeared with that single request

No longer did you have a metahuman criminal whose attitude made treatment difficult

Now you had a person as fragile as anyone else and just as alone that, in that moment, was asking for your help

This moment of silence brought doubt into Louise, she quickly tried to look away, only for a hand to rest above hers to catch her attention. When she returned her gaze to you, she saw you smile

Not the professional, polite kind of gesture, but a genuine one

"Sure, I'll stay with you"

[stateofgrace1303]

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)

[linkispink1995]

Better as friends (23) the facade crashes

Previously

Series Masterlist

Chapter warnings:language,drunkenness and Alison

~~~~~~~~~

Steve's p.o.v

It had been a few weeks since Y/n and I's conversation and it also happened to be the last time Y/n and I spoke since whenever she'd drop Jackson off and pick hi up she'd be really quiet. I was starting to worry that it was maybe my fault , I knew that I shouldn't have asked her that but Alison being Alison continuously asked me that. Speaking of Alison she was now at the 5 month mark and by this time Y/n had a bump and an attitude and Jackson would move around and kick to the sound of voices but Alison so far had no bump unless she did and was just hiding it very well and never ever wanted to talk about the baby or her doctor's appointment. I felt like I was being so let in the dark with Y/n I'd roll my eyes and shrug the things off that she'd tell me and I definitely feel like this was payback. I couldn't belive it , I was scared I was missing thing or that some things just didn't add up , I was currently sitting at my cubicle at work stairing at the clock counting till I could go home. Alison wouldn't be home till late because it was her cousins bachelorette party and she'd be having to drive them since she couldn't be drinking anymore , except for her small glass of wine at night which I still wasn't sure to believe that or not. I had almost fallen asleep in my desk for the third time today when there was a phone call , I sighed before picking the phone up and answering "Hello this is Harrington-" I was cut off by a voice saying. "Yeah whatever listen we need to talk" it was my sister Polly , I sighed saying "I'm not talking to you" before I could hang up she added. "Are you dating Alison Martin" I sighed again saying "why" she responded saying "answer the question" I huffed saying "yeah I am why" Polly was silent before finally saying "do you remember when I was a junior and they put me in a dorm with a freshman" I rolled my eyes as she added. "Now do you remember how I said she was this rich and entitled mean girl who was always out partying and lied like a rug" I answered saying "yeah I remember you nagging about it" she responded saying "it was Alison". I rolled my eyes saying "Polly this is just sad okay stop calling" before she could respond I hung up the phone.

After the ridiculous phone call with Polly I came home to a dark and empty apartment I knew Alison was still out but usually she'd leave a light on. I entered the kitchen to grad a drink out of the fridge when I noticed a small take out box from some restaurant I didn't recognized maybe Alison went out to lunch but when I knew she had classes and a doctor's appointment. I shrugged that off before exiting the kitchen only to be stopped by a shopping bag in the trash and with closer examination I saw that a movie ticket stub was tucked in the bag. Again I brushed it aside thinking it was just paranoia that had been amplified by my phone call with Polly , after a shower and putting on warm close even though it was june the apartment was ice cold per Alison's request and I knew that when Y/n was pregnant that the word no wasn't one she liked . After settling on the couch I sat there before see there was a star wars marathon on tv , as the movie began to play I couldn't help but feel somewhat grateful that Alison wasn't home since I knew by now she'd turn the tv of and give me the speech about it rotting my brain or her speech about how nothing in star wars actually made sense. About half way through the empire strikes back I got up from my seat to open the cabinet above the fridge were I store (hid) away my junk food from Alison since shortly into are relationship she disposed all of mine and insisted from then on out she'd do the grocery shopping.

I awoke to the sound of the front door opening and practically slamming , I sat up to see the ending seen of return of the jedi was playing. I wiped some of the chip crumbs off of myself before hearing noise come from the kitchen , I entered to see Alison standing by the kitchen sink with a glass of water in hand. She was silent except for the small sounds of hiccups coming from her , I spoke saying "are you okay" she ignored me and instead began walking or should I say somewhat stumbling out of the kitchen before she finally spoke to me saying. "Goodnight" alchohol I smelt alcohol on her breath so strong I could almost taste it , I felt nauseous like my whole world had crashed down before I spoke saying "you lied to me" she turned before busting out into a strong laughter before she walked towards me with her finger placed on her mouth saying. "Shhhhh you can't tell Steve okay , it's a secret" she was so drunk she couldn't tell it was me I knew I had to confront her but I wanted to know what the secret was so I asked. "I won't tell him" she responded saying "I'm not pregnant" my heart fell as I began to feel nauseous before she added. "I don't know why I said it It just sorta fell out , but he believed it and I'm so screwed i have no clue what I'm gonna do". I felt my legs become uneasy at her confession as she continued "and I mean I just feel so bad you know he's a really nice guy he deserves someone who doesn't lie to him , he deserves someone who writes him these letters. You know he had someone like that , he had Y/n and you know what after all the stuff he's said to her Y/n still comes back just for that kid. Let me tell you something okay when I was his age my dad left and do you know when , he left on Christmas eve." My face fell in shock before saying "but Steve meet your dad" she chuckled again before saying "who Robert , Robert's my stepfather he's the only decent person in that family. My sister's a nightmare and I won't even get started on my mother , listen I'm tried I'm gonna to bed and don't tell Steve about are little talk." I ignored her words before as she entered the bedroom I didn't know what to do my instinct was to kick her out but I wasn't doing that to someone blackout drunk so instead I sat at the dinning room table to think until I knew I needed to talk to someone. It couldn't be Y/n because it was two thirty in the morning and God only knows what she'd be doing with Stewart. It couldn't be Robin since she left a few days ago to visit Helen up at school , Matt and Collen were definitely a no. I was blanking totally blanking until I knew the one person would wouldn't take my crap and would tell me how it is which is exactly what I needed right now.

I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital before walking in , I walked in before getting to the receptionist saying. "Hi I'm looking for Paige Walker" she nodded before I heard a voice say "Steve" I turned to see Paige in her scrubs before I said "can I talk to you". She huffed before saying "fine" after walking down a hallway to sit on a bench Paige spoke saying "whatever nonsense this is I will take Y/n's side cause you-" I cut her off saying "Alison is lying a being pregnant". Paige's face fell saying "oh Steve I'm sorry" I shrugged saying "whatever it's payback from how I've treated Y/n". She responded saying "you know you might've been a jerk and I'm just saying that word cause I'm at work right now but you never treated Y/n horribly when she was pregnant I mean you stayed there and-" I cut her off again saying "Paige did Y/n tell you I was there when Jackson was born". She nodded before I added "God she really is a good person I mean she must've told you the story she's told Jackson". Paige's face feel in shock before I added "I wasn't there when he was born , I wasn't there when my son took his first breath or opened his eyes for the first time , do you know how long it took for me to realize my son's eyes are brown". She frowned saying "oh my god she protected you from the group cause she knew we'd be mad" I nodded as she added "so why didn't you go to Y/n , why here". I sighed saying "didn't wanna bump into Stewart" she shrugged saying "why would you run into Stewart he's in Florida and they broke up you know that right" . I shook my head as she added "yeah it was mutual I guess" I frowned thinking that was what had Y/n so down these past couple week , why she was so quiet. I spoke again saying "thanks Paige" she nodded saying "sorry I didn't invite you to my wedding" I shook my head saying "don't be it's okay". Paige and sat there in silence before I added "and I really miss hanging out with you guys so-" this time I was cut of by Paige saying "make things right with Y/n and you can hang out with us" I nodded before saying "your right I know exactly what I have to do"

The following morning

It was the next morning and I was running on zero sleep except for that small nap I had during the movies last night. I was sitting at the dinning room table ready to talk to Alison like an adult , as soon as I got home from the hospital I took a seat exactly where I was and rehearsed exactly what I was going to say. My a millionth rehearsal was interrupted saying "don't worry I can hold my own hair up when I'm sick" I ignored her words as she entered the dinning room saying "what". I responded saying "you

Iied to me , to me the person who chooses your side over my own sons , the person who turned his back on his family for you the person who was actually excited to have a baby with you , but it isn't true. You lied to me Alison" she scoffed saying "I don't know what your talking about" I sighed saying "you know what drunk Alison just tells people how it is your not pregnant are you". She had a blank expression before she spoke saying "no I'm not I-" Alison stopped she completely blanked on words before I decided to ask another question. "Did you ever have a roommate named Polly Harrington" she silently added before I continued with my questions. "Did you steal the letter for Y/n , the letter meant for me , did you take it and did you read it". She silently nodded as I added "you know I didn't read it right" she scoffed saying "oh please you had that in your pocket and you don't want me to believe you didn't read it". I rolled my eyes before pulling a sheet of paper out of my pocket saying "you mean this" she nodded as I added "this is something I wrote for Y/n what did you think it was". She responded with "That's it Steve I can't take this anymore" I huffed saying "are you kidding me your upset .She rolled her eyes at my words saying "you Steve I'm upset with you" I huffed again saying "me what did I do , you faked a pregnancy and it doesn't just hurt me it hurts Jackson-" she cut me off saying. "That's it , it's all about the kid" I sighed saying "he's my son what do you want me to do". She then crossed her arms saying "choose" I shrugged in confusion as she added "it's either me or the kid , choose" I couldn't belive it , she sounded like I did when Y/n and I broke up and I then remembered what my mother said "sometimes we need to see someone make the same mistake to know that's what they were". That's when I knew the answer to Alison's question was "Jackson , Jackson Michael Harrington will come before anyone including myself and if you don't like it that's just to damn bad". Alison frowned saying "but I'm your girlfriend" I nodded as she added "and I love you" I nodded again saying "I know but-". She cut me off saying "no buts Steven I'm your-" it was my turn to cut her off saying "Steve my name is Steve not Steven okay" she huffed saying "I love you" I nodded before saying the words that were wanting to oze out of me , "and I love Y/n", her face then twisted into anger saying "excuse me" I nodded saying "I love Y/n" she then sighed saying "but-" I cut her off again saying. "Alison your a horrible person , you attacked Y/n several times , you turned me against my parents and my best friends but not only that you tried to get in between my son and I oh and am I forgetting something else yeah you pretended to be pregnant" before she could say anything else I added "we're done Alison".

Please don't plagiarize my work , stay safe and feedback is appreciated - thanks Meg

Taglist @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @queenofthehairharrington @charmed-asylum

[motleyfuckingcruee]

Rocket Queen

0.1: The Beginning

Henley's P.O.V

It's another day in this hell hole. I'll be completely honest, I deeply miss Los Angeles. I lived there for three years until my parents decided to uproot our lives entirely and move here to Seattle. I'm not happy with this at all. I miss my best friend, Athena Bass. I was incredibly close with her and her brother Thomas Bass. Or as the world knows him, Tommy Lee.

I met Tommy first. He was sitting on his porch, playing a guitar as loudly as he could. It's like he wanted to show off to everyone that he had a guitar. He wasn't that good, but he was practicing. He looked up as I slammed the car door. My parents had promised me and my little brother Nico that we wouldn't move anymore. Little did we know then, that was a lie. Anyways, Tommy walked over to me as I grabbed some boxes from the back of the minivan. I remember being shocked with how tall he was. I nearly had to look all the way up to see his eyes. He had this adorable smile that was contagious.

"Need any help?" He asked, a grin on his face.

I was in a very bad mood, so I ended up snapping at him. "I'm perfectly fine, now fuck off."

Luckily, my parents and Nico were inside, so I wouldn't get scolded for using that language. I was only thirteen then. The friendship grew after that. We hung out everyday, then when I went to school, I met Athena who's my age.

It would be lie if I said I didn't have a crush on Tommy. He was two years older than me, and a very affectionate best friend. Me being young and naïve, thought he was flirting with me. I never confessed my feelings and before I knew it, him and his band, Motley Crue, were off on tour. I gave up on the dream that Tommy would ever look at me the way I did at him. He calls every day, even when he's super busy. He keeps asking if I could come out and visit him, but I doubt my parents would allow me to do that. I asked, and they shot down the idea immediately. They never liked Tommy, but they loved Athena. I was thinking I could try to convince them to let me go visit her, then we could go see Tommy in his new apartment. The lucky bastard.

I've been in Seattle for only four months. In those four months, as Nico would say, I had lost my goddamn mind. I'm constantly sneaking out late at night when I know my parents are asleep. I've mastered the ways of sneaking out of my bedroom window and shimmying down the drainpipe. I usually get one of my new best friends, Madeline Love, and we go to one of the dingy bars that we can find.

She's probably the coolest person I know, other than Tommy and Athena. She's the only one that knows where I go every night. There's two other people in our small friend group; Jake Love, Madeline's brother, and Evangeline, or Eva for short. Jake is a real sweetheart. He's the first guy I talked to when I arrived in Seattle. Well, he approached me. He said I looked lonely, which I was.

Eva is sweet too, just very dramatic at times. This one time, I accidentally slapped her arm and she acted like I punched her in the nose. She was mad at me for two days straight. The whole situation gave me a huge headache. We all laugh about it now. The more she got comfortable with me, the more she calmed down with the dramatics.

"Henley!" Eva nearly yells, causing a few nosy teenagers to look in our direction.

I glare at them before turning to Eva. "Yeah?"

"You should come over tonight! Mads and I were talking about having a sleepover at her place, and you know it's not the same without you!"

I smile at her. That sounds fun, but Madeline and I already had plans. I look around the crowded lunchroom. Three and half more hours and I can finally go get ready for our big night on the town. I'm fucking excited. "Sorry, I can't tonight. What about tomorrow?"

"That works too! We could go shopping and all that." Eva takes a sip of whatever organic drink she bought overly priced. She's into that hipster shit where she only eats and drinks 'organic' things. I think it's just a waste of money, but whatever.

Madeline smiles, pushing her light brown hair behind her ear. "Actually tomorrow works better anyway."

Eva's smile doesn't falter. Madeline and I know that if she knew we were hanging out together without her, she'd have a hissy fit. Eva just isn't cut out for what we do. I love the girl, but if any of our parents were suspicious about what we were doing, she'd crack under pressure and tell them immediately. Then we'd all be fucked. My parents would never let me out of the house again.

"Okay so we'll all meet up at your place tomorrow at like five?"

"That works," Madeline responds, looking as Jake finally sat down.

His sandy hair is falling in his face, making him look like he just rolled out of bed.

"Why're you so late?" I ask.

His face turns red as he looks down at the food he won't eat. "I-uh-fell asleep in class and no one woke me up. I was almost locked in the classroom."

I laugh, shaking my head. "The classrooms lock from the inside. All you had to do was open the door."

Jake's eyes widen. "So you're telling me I didn't have to climb out the window?"

I shake my head. "I wish I could've seen it though."

Madeline busts out laughing. "You're an idiot, Jacob."

"Shut up, Madeline," Jake sighs, his face turning even more red.

"Aw, poor Jakey is embarrassed in front of Henley," Madeline teases.

I giggle, brushing off her remark. She always teases poor Jake for having a crush on me. I don't think he does, but she's hell bent on believing he does.

"Madeline, I will break all your records when we get home if you don't stop," Jake warns.

"Don't take it out on the music," I say, crossing my arms. "They're just beautiful masterpieces. Take your anger out on something else."

"Like what?"

"I dunno," I respond. "Anything but the music."

"You really love music, don't you?"

I nod. "It's just about the only thing that brings me peace since I left Los Angeles."

"I noticed you have a lot of Motley Crue albums," Eva says. "What's that all about."

I know that I can't tell them that I know Tommy personally. Either they won't believe me, or they'll bug me until I let them meet him and the band. I can't let that happen. I'm not going to let Tommy be bothered all the time all because I let it slip. They only just started touring with Ozzy Osbourne, but they've gained a shit ton of popularity in only the few weeks they've been on tour with him.

"They're just my favorite band. Always have been. I used to watch their shows at the Whiskey before they took off," I explain.

"They allowed you into the Whiskey?" Eva asks.

"I wouldn't say allowed. I'd sneak in through the back door. I was friends with the bar tender so she let me stay." I take a sip of my tea. "Besides, they didn't care as long as I didn't drink."

Eva opens her mouth to ask another question, but the bell rings. I silently thank whoever is above. I didn't feel like getting grilled with more questions.

Me sneaking into the Whiskey is true. But after a while, Tommy just started bringing me into their dressing room so that I wouldn't have to go through all that trouble. It was a lot of fun when I could convince Athena to come along. She tried to act like she wasn't having fun, but I knew better. I miss those days.

As I settle in my seat in the AP English classroom, I start to think about tonight. I just have the feeling it's going to be different than usual. That something is going to happen. Whether it's good or bad, I have no clue. Only time will tell.

TAGS:

All fics: @the--blackdahlia @sugar-content @sharon6713 @siliwanoel @charlyallise @lo-bells @lauravic @livingdeadharley @kawennote09 @ozzypawsbone-princeofbarkness @hllywdwhre @abbysdogcollar @nikkisixxwiththebass @waywardprincess666 @tommyleeownsme 

@rock-n-roll-soul-frankie @unholy-brat @eak1996 @madsthegroupie @sinningsixx

Duff: @daisystuffsstuff

[spookysanta]

miss you. (g.d.)

part i of ii.

Summary: long distance relationships suck; but especially for (Y/N) and Grayson.

Pairing: Grayson Dolan x Reader

WARNINGS: mentions of sex (not yet), angst??????????????????????????, fluff, bad writing

UNEDITED

YUH look at me on a writing streak :) and let’s all reminisce on fetus baby boy by these precious “date” snaps:

(@trapezoidmouth on IG)

***THIS TAKES PLACE AROUND APRIL/MAY***

i only mention that bc it’s talking about graduation and it’s july so i didn’t want people to make a big deal about it

***

"So," she told him with a big sigh on the phone when she got home from class. "I did my presentation today."

"Oh, really?" he replied, while cooking himself an omelette. It was three o'clock her time and noon in Los Angeles, where he was; so it was brunch time. "How'd it go?"

"It..was awful." She tried to force herself not to cry, because when she cries, Grayson is quick to get up and go wherever she was to comfort her. Which might be good in the moment, but she doesn't want to do that to him (anymore--this would've been the fourth time he'd done that). "Gray, I did everything my teacher told me to! I added the information I needed to, took out some stuff, and I even memorized everything! But when I got up there...I couldn't do it."

"What was your topic again?"

She recited her research question as if it were read out of a book. "How listening to music during pregnancy helps a baby's development in the womb."

"Really? That doesn't sound hard at all."

"It wasn't that my topic was hard, it was that the questions I got asked were too hard for me to answer, and how I answered questions was a big portion of my grade." she was getting a little misty-eyed. She'd been working on this project for months; she thought she'd learned just about everything there is to know about music's effects on child development. "Gray, I really thought I had it until then."

"Listen, baby. Regardless of how you think it went, I'm sure you did better. Because I've heard your presentation and you sounded like you knew exactly what you were talking about. I think it's all in your head, angel." He sighed, flipping his omelette in the pan. He liked omelettes when she made them for him when she visited, because she knew exactly what he wanted, how much of each ingredient to add, and she makes sure they're always cheesy and delicious. But when he makes them, sometimes they're a little...underdone.

"I can't focus." she put him on speakerphone and took off her top, pants, and bra, opting to wear one of his t-shirts for comfort. She has a few of them, but her favorite one to wear is the black crew neck. It's plain and simple, and it fits him like a god. But she managed to take it when she left L.A. the last time; and honestly, she took a little vile of his cologne, too, to spray on the shirt after she washes it. "It's so close to graduation, baby, and I know you're gonna call me a loser for saying this, but I can't do this anymore. I want to drop out." she groaned.

"You're a loser either way, in my opinion." he heard her laugh on the other end of the phone. And that laugh was like air to his lungs, if he's being completely honest with himself. He hadn't heard that angelic laugh in months. The last time they'd been together was when she visited him the last few days of her Winter Break--and that was in January. "But you literally graduate in a month. Shut up."

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaay." she groaned again. What she wouldn't give for his bone-crushing cuddles right about now. That's all she wants. She'd been feeling weepy and anxious and a bit sad all day, but now that she's talking to her man, she's starting to feel the heavy weight of her stress lift. "I miss you." she confessed. "I know we agreed that we wouldn't get all sappy like this but I'm wearing your shirt right now and all I smell is you."

“I miss you, too.”

She heard noise on the other end and nearly vomited at the sound. "Move your mouth away from the receiver, Gray. I can hear you chewing."

He chewed louder, his mouth hovering over the phone's microphone. "Like this?"

She hung up the phone.

***

He called her again later, at around four o'clock his time. He and his brother were outside and he was about to grill some steaks for dinner. "Hello?" he greeted into the receiver. "Baby?"

"Hey." she groggily replied. She'd fallen asleep while talking to her best friend on FaceTime and she woke up about five minutes ago. "What's up, boo?"

"Just checkin' on you. I wanted to make sure you're in better spirits than earlier."

"Yeah, I'm fine." She sat up and stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen , finding a box of Kraft mac and cheese in the pantry to cook. "I'm just glad everything’s over with."

"I understand. I just don't want you to be all sad and mopey."

"I'm not sad and mopey only because of my presentation, I'm sad and mopey because I miss my boyfriend." she sighed. "I really don't think I can wait until my birthday to see you."

"So what do you want me to do? You want me to come there, or fly you out here?"

"It doesn't matter, honestly. I just want to see you." she stirred some salt in the pot of boiling water, then poured the noodles into the pot, turning down the heat, and shutting the lid. "Doesn't even have to be long. I just want cuddles and kisses."

"I'd be glad to give you that, and you know I would come and see you right now if I could, but I can't right now. We're filming all week this week and both of us need to be here for it."

"I'm dying without my fuckin' cuddles, man." she drained the pasta, hissing to herself when a little bit of water got on her brown hand. She cursed quietly, already assuming that Grayson knew she'd injured herself somehow--as she usually does. She put the pasta back in the pot and added butter, almond milk, and the powdered cheese, stirring it and letting it cool a bit before pouring it in a bowl next to the stove. "I wanna see your pretty face." she spoke, holding the phone to her ear and with her bowl in one hand and a bottle of sparkling water in the other.

"Hold on a second." she heard shuffling on the other end of the phone. He was making a space on his desk for his phone to sit on, but she already knew that that'd been what he was up to, because his desk is constantly cluttered with papers, receipts, pens and pencils, etc. His desk was riddled with stuff. She heard the quiet his of "ah dammit", and then she finally saw it. That gorgeous grin that makes his hazel eyes crinkle in the outer corners. "Hi, honey."

And as happy as she'd typically be to see his face on FaceTime, all she did was sob. "Hey." She grabbed her food and her drink and with cloudy vision, she guided herself to the couch to eat.

His face fell. "What's wrong? Did I catch at a bad time?"

"No." She sniffled. God, she was so emotional today. "I just...I want you."

"Oh, babe. I wish there was something I could do about that but right now my hands are completely tied."

"I just want cuddles and kisses and hugs! And I want to wear that new shirt you just bought because it looks comfy and I bet it smells good."

"Baby I promise—hold out a little bit longer and you can have whatever it is you want." He paused. "Except for that shirt.”

"Why?" She whined.

"Because I bought that shirt last week. It's still new."

"So? I want it."

"You can have every other shirt except that one. At least not for a while."

"Ugh!" She groaned. "You're the worst."

"I've been told."

She looked away from her phone that was propped up on a pillow and turned on the television, turning to a DVR recording of Botched and settling into the couch, fully accepting the fact that she had to cuddle with the pillows next to her instead of her boo. She picked up her fork, sadly poking the orange-dyed macaroni noodles and putting them in her mouth. "I don't want this anymore." She muttered to herself, catching the attention of the boy on the other end of the phone, who'd only just found something to do on his laptop to distract himself from looking at her tear-stained face.

Because if he did, he'd be at her every beck and call and give her exactly what she wanted. And he was a busy guy; he didn't have time to fly across the country to snuggle her like he has the slight habit of doing.

As much as he craved her—her body, her mind, her laugh, her smell (God, the way she smells? Absolutely intoxicating. He finds himself thinking of the inticing scent on the days when he misses her the most, and it's almost as if she infiltrates his nostrils. Ergo, causing him to miss her 1000x more.)—he cannot leave Los Angeles for at least the next week. If he leaves, then that means Ethan would be left with editing their upcoming video's footage, and that's the last thing he needs right now.

"Why not? When we texted earlier, you said you were hungry."

"Yeah. I was. But now...I don't know." She shrugged. She stopped the recording on the TV, picking her bowl back up and setting it in the microwave for if she wanted it later. Then, she trudged her way back upstairs and got in her bed. She sighed, feeling the lump in her throat form again.

[bloggingwithmattporter]

My Relationship and How It Ended

All through our lives, we wonder who our partner will be and how will we find them? Going out with friends, talking online for a while or just simply a bump into each other. At the age of 20, I was amazed at the thought of how i'd meet someone I could be myself around. Myself having an incredibly outgoing bubbly personality, I always knew that I could be seen by many people, but never knew that I would find someone who I'd consider to be perfect for me. For years I've been independant and achieved things by myself with no partner by my side, I didn't want anyone nor was I looking for someone. But yet, I always thought to myself "I wonder if my future girlfriend would be proud of me", which actually makes you realise you're more lonely than you thought, but hey, that's okay because you know one day you will find her.

Everything changed for me one night, a few weeks after I started a new job. I decided to go out one night, which i remember fondly enough that I would've rather stay in and watch some films, but decided it would be a great time to celebrate the job I acquired. When you were like me and decided to drink yourself silly every single week, you had to find reasons to go out. Little did I know, going out that night would change my life in millions of great ways, which is now terrifying to think about.

 After a fair few drinks, I decided to go out into another area of the club to share my loud obnoxious personality around. The moment I walked down there, was like a movie. I saw a girl, even in my intoxicated state, I could tell she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever laid my eyes upon. I instantly came up with a goal to make her laugh. It takes a lot to make me nervous, it was trait that I never had. I went up to her and at that exact same time, she walked up to me and introduced herself. You know how I said it was like a movie? I said that because when I looked into her eyes, everything around me froze, I was just standing there. After what felt like thirty minutes, I introduced myself then we sat down and had a drink. I wouldn't be able to tell you the exact conversations that we had, but I can tell you I interrupted her to inform her that I needed to do a pee followed by what I thought to be an FBI cross Ninja jump over the table, but according to her that was never the case... I still stick with what I thought it felt still to this day. When I returned we had another drink and spoke some more and introduced us to each others friends. One of my friends, Jordan, looked at me when I introduced her and smiled at me, for some strange reason, he knew I was interested, suppose I've never really introduced a girl to my friends before. As this night drew to a close, I lost her and eventually stormed out of the club because I had enough. Little did I know, she was asking about me when I left. I got home, surprisingly, and fell asleep.

I woke up to a message from her asking me out on a date. I immediately felt emasculated, but that was okay. Obviously I said yes. We went to a Shannon Noll concert, it was a perfect time spent together and the happiest i've been in a very long time. I still remember how it felt to feel true happiness after such a long time of being alone.  

As messages upon messages went by between each other, it was suddenly a week or two later. We had organised for me to stay over her place, have a couple of drinks and listen to some old school music, the best kind. As she's on the floor choosing the songs to put on and I am sitting on her bed, that strange feeling erupted in me again, true happiness. I didn't know at the time, but she was radiating something I haven't felt before, whether it was her great music choice or just being around her. As the night progressed, next thing we know we were in bed together 'cuddling'. We were talking about something that made me laugh, which at the end I did something I couldn't take back. I laughed and then said I love you, which i quickly recovered by saying "lol jokes, you wish". Yes, I actually said that and it turned out more funny than what we were previously discussing. This became a running joke for years to come. I remember laying there thinking "Why did I say that", I was confused about how it happened because it just completely slipped out, I didn't mean to say it but knew I felt it. This was when I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. In the end, it was a perfect night spent by someone whom I believed I loved very quickly. I had never felt this way about another person before. 

A week at work progressed and we decided to stay over again, same music, but this time we felt closer than ever. It was an amazing feeling for me and I was honestly just falling harder and harder for her. I knew the next time I saw her, I wanted to do something special, so I surprised her with a little getaway to a nice resort at the Sunshine Coast. When we got there, we checked in and went across the street to Woolworths to stock up on food and the dinner I was going to cook for her, Beef Strogonoff. When we returned, we got the keys and went to our apartment to find out that there was in fact, no kitchen. So it turned out to be a KFC night. This was when I knew she was the one for me, as we finished eating, i decided to rip the KFC bags and dress her up.. it was incredibly hilarious at the time and damn she could pull the look off. We got into bed and watched Eurovision trying to understand the words they were singing, it was great and it was definitely a great weekend. Once again, the kitchen became a running joke too, I could never escape it. After this weekend away, we sat down and decided it would be best if I moved in with her, as I’m always there anyways. So a month after dating, we were living together and I’ve never felt so much happiness, everything was perfect and working out for me.

Months and months went on, we sat there laughing about the possible arguments we would have because we have never argued before. I knew for a fact that I was so in love with this woman that I never wanted to lose her. We were perfect for a very long time. I’d get lost in her eyes every time she would laugh, or how her eyes opened wide when she was explaining a story or a topic she was passionate about. She has the most incredible smile with a beautiful laugh.. which includes her little snorting she does when the laughing can’t stop.

Every morning I would wake up, give her a kiss on the forehead and say good morning. Every night, I’d give her 10 kisses on the forehead, we both made sure to count as it all became a ritual. There were so many memories, inside jokes and little rituals we had that we got so used to that it all became normal. I was still in love with this woman at the age of 23.

Suddenly, cracks started to appear because of my inability to talk. I know, how does someone not know how to talk? That was and still is the hardest thing for me. I am so used to not sharing my feelings about negative things and instead keep it bottled up inside, its a very unhealthy thing to do and still to this day I'm slowly learning.

We were having many fights, breaking up but working our way back to each other every single time. We knew we wanted to be together and we were too stubborn to admit it at times, we were an incredibly competitive couple. Ask her about the monopoly game, she'll tell you she won..... thats because she did but I can assure you we never played monopoly again. I cannot elaborate on the amount of fights and quick break ups we had, we had a severe rough patch. But everything was perfect and I was still the happiest guy in the world.

The last time we broke up was around May 2018, the month we got together in 2016. This was a tough break up but we got back together a week later. I know, people may think how is this healthy, but when you're in love with someone, you'd do anything to make sure it works. Everything was perfect for many many many months. We discussed getting our very own place and we started to buy furniture each paycheck so we would be able to move into a house that wasn’t partly furnished, having kids (even agreed on some names to respect my mother which meant a lot to me) and more importantly, the engagement I was going to do at the start of the year.

I started an incredibly bad addiction to video gaming every day for hours on end, instead of the usual couple of hours a week. I became lazy and didn't appreciate what I had right next to me the entire time. Nearly 3 years we spent together, you would think that I would be more attentive. I just forgot about every thing in my life and was just committed to video games like the person I was long before I met her. I stopped wanting to have sex and I stopped wanting to go out on weekends with her. This all hit home and completely shattered me after she told me she was getting male attention elsewhere. I stormed out with all my stuff and didn't look back once.

A week has gone by and I just sit here in silence every single day. I've eaten half a sausage roll that made me vomit, a few chicken balls and a handful of chips, against my will. During my silence, I realise how much I have changed. I have gone from the alcoholic version of myself to a guy who found out he was ready to settle down, the mature Matt I thought I wouldn't find until I was very much older. I'm not going to lie, this last paragraph is hard to type because I just fall back into the ifs and buts. I know for a fact, all I had to do was to get off that Xbox and give her attention, clean the room when she asked, give her the intimacy that we both required but I slacked out on and most of all, show her the amount of appreciation I have for her since we got together. I feel as though I never want to show another woman intimacy or become close again, unless it’s with her. The constant knot in my stomach won’t dissapear. The world knows just how much I do love her and all my good friends know how much I appreciate and love her, it just turns out I forgot to reassure the most important person to me.

I realise that I don't blame her for any of this because I guess it is all my fault. Every girl in a long lasting relationship needs to know that feeling that their partner does in fact care about them. I just guess for me, it is too late for that. I would do anything to go back to the life we had with me bringing an insane amount of changes that would make any girl feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Not only did I lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend and the only person that knew exactly who I was and who I am still to this day. She knows more about me than anyone else on this planet and i'm not afraid to admit that. She was my definition of a soul mate. I've never felt more comfortable and open with someone in my life and I highly doubt I'm going to find that feeling with anyone else for a very long time and even then, the chances are slim. All our inside jokes and memories haunt me every single day because they were the happiest times of my life. Every song that comes on the radio, its hard to listen to. All the songs on my phone, I can't listen to because each one takes me back to a time with her. It's hard to watch Netflix alone because I watched basically everything with her many times over. It's hard to get up in the morning and go to work, because every morning I would drive there knowing how close our future home was and how ready I was to propose to her, she was the reason why I got the new job a few weeks ago. The memories are suddenly everywhere and every day you're just caught up in constant nostalgia. The pain doesn’t disappear.

If I could go back in time and change everything, I would in a heartbeat. If she messaged me and told me she wants me back, I'd be there in a heartbeat too. With Christmas and New Years coming up, this is going to be a hard problem for me to recover from for the rest of the year. We had so many plans, I had many plans she didn't even know about. Nearly 3 years down the drain because I was too stupid to show her the amount of love and appreciation I have for her.. it truly fucking hurts. Being so ready to settle down, just for it all to come up above your feet isn't the best feeling.

The hardest part about break ups, is trying to forget about the imagined future you two had planned together. Our future looked so perfect. Going from being so happy, to suddenly depression hitting you straight on the head. The emptiness and loneliness is something I haven't felt in my life and I wouldn't wish it upon my worse enemy.

I don't expect many people to read this, but if you do, thank you for letting me vent and taking it on board. If you're in a relationship, please, tell your partner you love them and that you appreciate them, that's all it takes. Listen to them, talk to them and be there for them through everything life throws their way. Don't get caught up in technology or social media, they can easily become the source of break ups in this generation, which fucking sucks. Put your phone down and just show your partner that you love them. Never would I have thought I’d lose the one piece of me that meant more than anything else on this planet.

Most importantly, to her. If you're reading this, please know that I love and I miss you more than words can explain. I'm sorry that I didn't show you just how much you meant to me and just assumed you knew. You were, and still are, my world. The things we have done together are things I'll forever cherish and miss. You were my soulmate and I wish I could just show you all the changes I'd make to prove just how happy we can be. I would do anything to have you laying in my arms again and hearing you laugh. You are the only person in this world that I need and I’m honestly shattered to know I wasn’t that person for you. My friends keep telling me to move on.. why would I want to, and how could I move on when I know I’ve already met my soul mate? I’ll forever miss and love you.

I honestly thought typing this would make me feel better, even in the slightest amount, but in the end I guess it just made things worse for me. The hardest part for me was leaving someone who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I don't know where I would be or the type of person I would be if she didn't enter my life. She brought out the best version of me that was possible.

 If you're going through a rough time, talk to a friend or family member. Please know, it's not embarrassing to seek professional help.