#and it wont tell me what the issue is
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Youre totally 100% correct but consider this:
I forgor the difference between FX and Swing
~~~
Bro i hate that java is the language im best with. Its like saying “yeah im an artist. My favorite medium is duct taping garbage together”
This is why Microsoft said fuck it and remade all of Minecraft in C++.
Im a decent coder. I have 6 years of experience. I call my java code spaghetti code because i whole heartedly belief all java code is inherently spaghetti code. I felt more confident in my all Assembly Language projects than my comparatively simple java projects.
im tired of scrolling through my code because java sucks
im going to use evil programming methods
edit: predictably, this broke my code
#i should probably refresh myself on Swing#before starting my important#term long project for college#but also i could just make it an affront to god#if i accidentally add the same object to the group twice#the entire project breaks#and it wont tell me what the issue is#its like whispering ‘what is it boy?’#to a timid dog#~~🍒🌹~~#java coding#java#programing#coding#comp sci#computer science#game design#🍒🌹 rambles
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Steve, Gareth and Chrissy are cousins AU (sad edition) [prologue] [part 1] [part 2] [part 3] [part 4] [part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Final Part]
"So," Robin says after they clink their molotov cocktails together, "do we also get to talk about the whole cousin situation now?"
Steve looks across the field, where Eddie and Dustin are defending themselves from invisible enemies. Gareth and Lucas are swinging the finished spears at each other while Erica shakes her head at them, working on a third. It looks like Nancy is showing Max the proper way to hold a shotgun, which isn't nearly as bizarre as it probably should be.
"What's there to talk about?"
"Are you doing okay?" Robin asks.
Steve doesn't mean to making a scoffing noise. It just leaves his body involuntarily. "No. But I'm not the only one not doing okay. Now that we know Vecna doesn't have to do the whole weeklong build up to murder town, that he could get any of us, as any time and he's just being a sadistic bastard-"
"Steve. He'll take the bait. If nothing else, we have to believe that."
Steve looks from Max to Gareth, then back to Robin. "Yeah. Right."
Robin is quiet for a moment, before her eyes flick away and back to him again. "Do you want to talk to Gareth? He was... God, Steve, it was awful, hearing him scream for you. While Vecna was... Anyway, I know you two are like avoiding each other for whatever reason, but I think you can let go of whatever it was."
"I just wanted to keep them safe, Robbie," Steve swallows down the sob that wants to break free. "I never wanted them involved in this. I was so scared that I'd somehow infect them with the Upside Down that I just kept them away and it took Chrissy anyway. It-it-"
"It hasn't taken Gareth, though," Robin says softly, cutting Steve's spiral off. "It hasn't taken him. But he needs you. I think you need him, too. You should talk. Before we drop him at the Creel house. Because."
She doesn't finish, but that's fine. Steve knows what she's saying. They could die today. Any one of them. Chrissy died without Steve making it right. He'd started to work on hanging out with Chrissy again, but it was all surface level. He didn't even apologize. With Gareth he could justify, however shitty that was to do, that he was staying away because Gareth asked him to.
Chrissy hadn't asked for Steve to step out of her life. He'd done that himself in '83.
He can't do right by Chrissy anymore, but he can try with Gareth.
He stands and Robin gives his knee two solid pats before he walks away.
"Dustin, you piss off Steve somehow?" Eddie asks.
Gareth, in the middle of facing off with Lucas, pauses to look around, which gains him a light tap to his side by Lucas' spear. Sure enough, Steve is stalking their direction with a grim determination on his face.
"What, why am I the one getting the blame?" Dustin says, offended.
"It is usually you," Lucas adds, which earns him a squawk of indignation from Dustin, who shoots back, "he could be coming to lecture you for making Erica do all the spear making!"
Steve doesn't approach either boy, though.
"Hey, can we talk?" Steve asks once he comes to a stop in front of him.
"Got some end of the world regrets, Harrington?" Gareth says, trying to keep his voice lighter than he feels. He wants to tease Steve, not bully him.
He must succeed because Steve gives a chuckle and says, "I don't think we have time for all the end of the world regrets, so, uhh, just the one for now."
"We're cool, dude," Gareth says, eyes flicking from Steve to Eddie. The kids know, Gareth told them himself, but Eddie doesn't. "I started it."
"Yeah, but I graduated and still pretended you didn't exist. Which isn't what you asked for."
Gareth shrugs, because he doesn't know everything but he knows enough. Learned this isn't anyone else's (besides Eddie and his) first rodeo or whatever. That there have been other times, dating back to the year Will Byers was lost for a week. "Dude. Seriously. We're cool. You've been dealing with... whatever the fuck this is. So, just, like promise to be around more once we all survive this."
Steve looks pained but before he can reply, Eddie cuts in, "I'm sorry. How do you know each other?"
Gareth looks to Steve, who just shrugs as if to say your friend, you responsibility and honestly? Fuck Steve Harrington. Keeps traumatizing secrets and pushes Gareth away and also throws him to the wolves. Except, this is the secret Gareth has been keeping from Eddie. He sighs and turns to Eddie. "Well, uh, Steve's my cousin. We used to be super close before I started high school. Actually, Steve here is the reason I joined Hellfire!"
Eddie seems to go through all 7 stages of grief before settling into a confused. "I'm sorry. Steve talked you into joining Hellfire?"
"That is not what I did!" Steve defends himself.
"God no. He just went into great detail about how loud and obnoxious and attention-grabbing the current president was, as if that would make me want to not meet you for some reason."
"It was a warning!" Steve yelps at the same time Eddie sing-songs, "You think I'm attention-grabbing, Harrington?"
Dustin, Lucas, and Erica are all laughing at Steve has he tries to sputter through what he meant by attention-grabbing ("It's hard to not pay attention when he's shouting from the top of a lunch table!"), and Gareth just watches on, amused.
After they fight an... evil wizard? Vecna or whatever his name is. Once this is over, Gareth is going to sit Steve down and make him tell him everything, but that can wait.
He wants to watch Steve flounder trying to defend himself from the accusations of watching Eddie just a bit too much back in high school.
Later, as they all pack up and load up in the RV, Nancy stops Steve from entering the RV, ushering everyone past until Gareth and Steve are the only ones left outside.
"Are we acknowledging that you're cousins, now?" she asks.
"You knew!?" Steve sounds surprised. Gareth's surprised, too.
Nancy just rolls her eyes. "Steve, I've been to your house." When that just makes Steve look confused, she rolls her eyes and says, "there are family pictures covering almost every inch of your living room."
"Why didn't you say anything sooner?" Robin pipes in, appearing in the doorway with an angry expression.
"It wasn't really my thing to talk about, was it?"
"Yeah, but did you even check in with Steve? If you knew, and knew what happened to Chrissy- you didn't even ask if he wanted to go to the funeral!"
"Robin!" Steve hisses.
Nancy doesn't look upset by whatever accusation Robin seems to be trying to make. "If Steve wanted to go, he could have said something. We aren't his keepers. But, also," her gaze goes from Robin to Steve, "I didn't want to pry or seem pushy. I figured you'd tell us when you were ready."
Robin frowns but doesn't say anything else, disappearing back into the RV. Gareth gestures for Steve and Nancy to go first, and then he's closing and locking the door behind him before heading to sit by Eddie along the back bench seat. A bunch of shit has been piled there, so Gareth shoves it off the seat and to the floor. The pile of things ends up being a hazard and he almost brains himself while turning to sit down; something under his foot slides and Eddie saves him, yanking him to fall onto Eddie. After some fussing and laughter from those around, Gareth gets seated and looks down to see what almost killed him.
It's a phone book.
Eddie leans in close once they're back on the road to town to whisper, "so, you just let me go on all those rants about King Steve and never once thought to tell me you were related?"
Gareth just gives him his best impression of a King Steve smirk and says, "I would have hate to have deterred you from talking about your favorite school subject."
It's worth seeing the scandalized look on Eddie's face, even as the man socks him in the leg for the comment. "I hate you, man."
Gareth rubs his leg and says, "you don't mean that."
There's a long silence from Eddie after that before he says, "you're right. I don't mean that. And. Uh. In case I don't- in case it goes south down there but ends up fine up here, I just-"
"No," Gareth growls. "Fuck you, Eddie. We're going to be fine. All you gotta do is shred on your guitar and get the hell out. You're going to be fine."
"You didn't see the bats."
"Eddie."
"Fine. It's gonna be fine," Eddie agrees and falls silent.
Gareth frowns at that. Eddie must really be worried, to not argue back like he usually does. Gareth's worried, too, but what can he do?
He thinks about his mom. When did he last tell her he loves her? If they don't succeed tonight, will he get a chance to say it again? Will anyone get a chance to say it again?
Gareth looks down at the phone book at his feet.
"Wait, does anyone have change for a payphone?" Gareth asks from somewhere behind him. Steve turns in his seat to look into the back of the RV.
"Uh, yeah," Robin digs into her pockets, but then narrows her eyes at Gareth and asks, "wait. Who are you calling?"
"I have to let my mom know I'm alive. Just... hear my voice," Gareth says. "She needs to know I'm okay. It's already been too long since last we talked and... after Chrissy she was..."
Robin's face drops into the guiltiest look Steve's ever seen on her face and she produces her wallet, dropping the whole thing into Gareth's open hand. "Yeah, no. Sorry. There's still plenty of time for a phone call before the end of the world. You better return my wallet, Cunningham."
"I'm not going to rob you, Buckley," Gareth says before ducking out the RV with Max, Lucas, and Erica.
Steve tries not to let the guilt well up in him as they drive away. Gareth had wanted to come with Team Kill Vecna but Steve had quickly argued against that. He wasn't going to let Gareth anywhere near the Upside Down.
So it was decided. Max, Lucas, Erica, and Gareth at the Creel house, Dustin and Eddie on distraction, and Nancy, Robin, and Steve were going to face down Vecna.
There was still hours to go before they'd try, with a time set for 9:20ish, since that's the time Vecna's been enacting his curse according to Eddie's broken watch. Plenty of time to fortify Eddie's house in the Upside Down, plus the almost 40 minute walk to the Creel house from Forest Hills.
This was going to work. It had to.
Max and Lucas opt for hiding around the back of the house, waiting for time to pass until it's closer to dark, and Erica said she was going to snoop around the abandoned playground, so Gareth decided to head to the payphone a couple of blocks down the street.
He makes it halfway there before Erica scares the shit out of him by saying, "why do you need a phone book?"
Gareth yelps and spins, stupidly trying to hid the book behind his back even though he knows she already saw it. "I- uh, no. No reason."
Erica eyes him and he's suddenly very aware of whatever Eddie saw in her that night at Hellfire, that let her join the club. She's pretty scary for a middle schooler. "Do I look stupid? Who are you calling." It's not a question. It's a demand.
"I'm going to try and get a hold of Eddie's uncle," Gareth answers, trying to sound like an authority figure. "Tell him he'll find Eddie at his home at eight tonight. I know you all are so used to not telling people but this is- we need a real adult and Wayne's an army vet. He'll know how to help. He'll want to help."
She purses her lips, stays quiet for a moment before she nods. "I'm usually surrounded by stupid people, but you're kind of not one. I've got more change if you need it."
Gareth calls the plant and asks to speak to Wayne Munson. It's a bit of back and forth before the secretary agrees, but only if Wayne agrees to speak to a Gareth Cunningham. The plant must be getting calls from angry locals.
"Are ya really Gareth, or are ya just wantin' ta yell at me for helpin' raise the devil incarnate?" Wayne sounds tired and Gareth feels bad for him.
"Eddie would love for you to call him that to his face when you see him again."
"Thank God, son," Wayne sounds relieved. He must recognize Gareth's voice. "Ya okay? No one's harrassin' ya, are they?"
"No. Listen Wayne, I'm going to say something crazy but please just listen and do your best to be casual. I know where Eddie is. Or, where he will be at eight tonight. He's.... not physically hurt but he's going to need you. He might hate me for telling you this but I had to."
There is a pause where all he hears through the phone is a long inhale followed by a slow exhale. "Mmm hmm. I appreciate yer concern and glad ta hear no one's botherin' ya just for knowin' Eddie."
Gareth is only confused for a moment before he realizes Wayne is trying to make this conversation sound routine from his end. "Just. He's going home. But please don't show up until after eight. If you... if you beat him home he might run. Try to keep you out of this, y'know?" Gareth is just lying now, but he's a teenage boy in a garage band that plays in a dingy bar at the edge of town. That is to say, he knows how to lie off the cuff.
"I read ya loud and clear. I'll let ya know as soon as Eddie's been found safe so ya can quit worryin'. I gotta get back to it, but thanks for reachin' out."
Gareth hangs up and looks to Erica. "Well. Let's hope I haven't ruined everything."
"Let's hope that you know Wayne as well as you think you do."
#steve‚ gareth‚ and chrissy are cousins au#my fic#everyone is like “wE cAnT tElL aNyOnE wHaT wE aRe DoInG” and gareth is like “i think u are all stupid and also i havent signed an nda and#i know what my best friend looks like when he needs support and since yall wont let ME go with to kill vecna for revenge for chrissy#(thanks no thanks STEVE) im going to sick eddie's uncle on you" and i think that's very smart of him#gareth has zero issues asking for help when he thinks everyone he loves could DIE
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can i be fr for a minute?? sending abuse to people online for holding different views than you is not activism and in fact actively hurts your cause. most people are not extreme in their viewpoints, you can give them a new perspective if you're willing to spend some time explaining shit. if someone is saying something you disagree with and you rush in there to condescend to them and call them disgusting and subhuman and dont even TRY to explain calmly why their views are harmful, they're going to shut you out instantly and double down on their views.
most people are simply genuinely ignorant to the issues they're talking about - they just pick their views up from the news and the world around them and express opinions because that's what every person does. if you run in there and tell them they're scum for it, what then? if someone does that to you, are you going to think "maybe i should do some research" or are you going to think "this person is an asshole, im blocking them." a lot of you think you're activists and then refuse to do any kind of actual WORK to support your cause.
#this is not about the isr*el thing even tho thats obviously a huge issue rn#its just a pattern ive observed online#im not saying you have to be kind to people who oppress you dont twist my words#but if youre trying to support any cause and you think calling people names is going to help#youre a fucking idiot lol#people call themelves activists and pro-X cause because they called their opposition dirty c*nts online#how the hell is that meant to help anyone? theyre just going to retreat into their propaganda chambers because you proved what the leaders#of those spaces have been telling them#you can obvs block people if you dont want to deal w them but thats a neutral action. sending abuse harms ur cause.#text#like educating ignorant people is hard work! yeah! its also the entire fucking point of activisim#and if you think its too much effort then just stop pretending you give a shit tbh#like my parents managed to change our neighbour's very xenophobic stance on migrants with a calm conversation#some people will listen and some wont and shes not exactly going out to protests for migrants rights but shes not hostile anymore#and a lot of yall think that isnt good enough but let me tell you it IS good because these things take time!#unlearning things is MUCH harder than learning them in the first place and a lot of people grew up in environments that taught them#very discriminatory and conservative views and its actually not their fault. and its hard to educate yourself differently on something you#have no idea is not true. where do you start w that?
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˖°🦇ִ ࣪𖤐
#ok .. the appt wasnt as bad as i feared. and the therapist wasnt at all as i had imagined#he was actually one of the more easy ones within the psychiatric dept i've talked to#it was still a bit uncomfortable for me to open up esp when i got certain feelings...#but... what actually was good is that when i did that he pushed just a tiny bit and remarked on it and asked my further#(which works bc he also accepted when i just didnt know what to say or didnt wanna talk abt smth)#it took 2hrs omg.. but felt like 20 minutes.#i could notice that he actually is specialized on personality disorders lol. like he actually got what i said etc (which most havent)#so yeah. not as bad as i feared at all. he was quite good to talk with. this appt didnt feel at all as bad as i thought it would#but ofc he couldnt decide immediately if they'll take me on as a patient. bc they gotta have the required team meeting and discuss etc etc#he did say that he thinks my personality disorder is definitely causing me issues and that even if they dont take me on as a patient i#still need help. so that's just nice to hear#even if bc of cutbacks and such i know that the chances of me actually getting help are slim :(#IF i do tho i wont squander it#anyway it's just nice now bc i was SO tense and stressed and scared but it went absolutely fine#and now i'll just wait until they get back to me. and i dont have any expectations or hopes that they'll accept me as a patient.#so if they dont - as i expected. if they do - nice surprise and actually a real chance for me to get help#for today i feel ok about it phew#i cant help but be anxious abt how at the end he asked me for feedback akskskskks and i was like umm i dunno...#bc it's difficult for me to talk abt a person to that person T-T#but really i wanted to saythat i thought it was really good that he sometimes asked me if he understood smth i said correctly#and explained how he interpreted smth i said. & when i was like oh idk how to explain it idk if this makes sense. he would tell me if he#didnt understand exactly but know where i was going w it etc etc. which honestly most of the therapists i've talked to have not done that#so ughh now im like.. he's one of the few ones who does that i want him to know thats a good thing why didnt i say this T-T noooooo. regret.#oh well....
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wrjrithi gon the greind THE COICES THE VOSIBCE THE COICESSSS
haha ha haha what if i rewrote. all. of voltron.
#i wont#but what if i did#i really want to#i wont tho#but i really want to so what if i did#haha#i really fucking want to#i have commitment issues#it wont ever get done#but what if i DlD#hubris is kicking in#i could do it so much better#i could give them the character development and ending they all deserved#someone please tell ne to shut the fuck up#someone help me fight the voices#vld#voltron#voltron legendary defender#voltron legendary disappointment#lance mcclain#keith kogane#pidge gunderson#katie holt#hunk garrett#takashi shirogane#klance#obviously id include klance#what kind of person would i be if i didnt??#they were literally set up from the start#as a writer it just makes sense
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i need to consume something or my thoughts consume me
#all my therapist telling me she wont treat me until i go sober taught me is to lie to the therapist#and it made me question therapy altogether but all my friends swear by it#but now i already told everyone im going sober so i fucked myself 😑#well i should learn how to be sober during the week so i can get back into fitness#i have to call the drug counsellor she referred me to and see what she says#something has to change for sure… but im starting to think some people just arent meant to be fully sober#a lot of people dont see through or dont care about the bullshit but i do#and the bullshit just doesnt stop#i just need to be on top of that and have more self discipline and thats what i need to learn#how to not give into my impulses… and then i can do recreational substance use or something instead of abusing them#personal#but at the end of the day its about emotional regulation and self discipline and creating a better life for myself#because when its not substances then its the tv or food or shopping like the general issue is my lack of impulse control#so i dont really see how sobriety will solve all that it will just make me wish i had substances to ease my mind
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on that subject, obsessed with today when i was like "hey guys, can you two stop playing the jumping game for now because it's giving caden a headache" and my 6 yr old cousin is like "you mean 'me'. it's giving 'me' a headache, because your caden". it's like yeah man ur right. my bad . and then they stopped jumping. it was awesome
#the thing is like. the jumping hurt my headright away#but i let them do it for a while before they told them to stop. and then they did#and i think thats part of it too. for somw things you have to wait and let kids have whay they want for a while before swooping in and#asking for them to stop#so they dont feel super controlled#and like. as an autistic person I HAVE TO DO THAT ANYWAY USUALLY#there's so many adult people out there who i have to put up witj their noises because i KNOW if i ask for them to stop theyll get mad#or even on a lesser extent. like as an autistic person w my sorta issues. you have to a let a lot of things go that are genuenly painful#and stressful. bc if u ask people to do things too much they often get upset. even if theyre overall nice#same with kids#but with kids you get to ask them to stop way more and you get to ask earlier than you would with most adults#like. ill be trying to put up with somethinf and struggling and get to the ppont where im visibly shaking and stuttering and on the verge#of tears#and the mere request of 'could you turn the tv ofd#still gets whole ass adults telling me im entitled and bossy#meanwhile child will hear 'thats making me feel bad' and theyll hear that and theyll think about it#and often times theyll stop#and even when they dont they dont insult you!#and people still say little kids are annoying????#when i tell a little kid 'could you turn the sound off on the video game or take it to another room the sounds its making are upsetting me#they LISTEN.#adults have a strong tendency to#use the ironicallt imature logic of ' i like this thing. so it dosent matter if it is upsetting you. i like it so i want to have it. even#though we are in a shared space together. i wont change what im doing because i want to do the thing i like. and thats more important than#not upsetting you. because doing the thing i like makes ME feel good.'#like. litterallt this mindset is easily more promient in adults than small children 100% . on god#and its just about the most childish thing ever.#its understandable. but its immature#and with something this simple its silly people cant let that go. its not complex at all. its stop making noise it is hurting me. easy
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I need to be put in a waffle iron or something
#i am. really stressed!!#i hate being online i keep losing friends#Majority of them did shitty stuff to me and it makes me so sad#I already have trust problems so when people come and say theyll always be here for me and then the next thing i know im blocked because i#Expressed my discomfort about something shitty they did it makes those trust issues even worse#We were pretty close and now i regret telling him shit because he could use it against me#And im starting to fall out with my “best friend” irl. Everything is making me sick#I can’t do this anymore I really want to disappear#There has to be something about me so repulsive to people#That i just turn them away#its gonna be like that for the rest of my life isnt it? I probably wont even get a partner in the future#I just don’t know why I fuck up every friendship so bad even if it wasnt. My fault#I shouldve kept my mouth shut even if i was uncomfortable#my last friendships ended like this too#I caused a huge server fight by saying I was uncomfy and I’m pretty sure everyone hates me now because of it#even though some said they werent#I am just really lonely and feel like a piece of shit#Because I am one#I don’t really know if I want to keep being here anymore#I genuinely think nobody likes me#Even when I was in school nobody liked me#I was the “weird girl”#I just wish I was normal and likeable and then maybe I’d have friends irl#I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I’ve considered suicide over it multiple times#I ruin everything#My friendships. My life. My parents marriage. My art. Everything.#I doubt anyone will read this or gaf so just. ignore me
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You ever just not sure if people are lying when you ask them if it's okay to talk about your interests, and they say yes?
#so maybe they are annoyed but dont have the heart to say no?#one time i had a friend who I got along with but the one day they broke up the friendship and was telling me how I'm annoying and weird#they gave examples of why they hated me. but not examples of how i was annoying and weird.#i dunno#that story is not related to my original point that much#but now i have issues thinking people think I'm weird and hate me but won't say it to my face#but i dont understand the faces people give me so i don't know if theyre faces of annoyance or what#but then if they DO hate being around me#why wont they just say it?
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#my mom hasnt decided about driving to Toronto#i told her i need an answer#ideally now. but i feel bad bugging her#she thinks i should wait and see if prices go down#and she thinks i shouldn't spend so much money on a concert ticket#and i agree. i dont want to. i think its insane that they resell them for so much.#but its my money. and i get to decide what this concert is worth#i was telling her the prices are going up and i dont want them to turn impossible.#and she kept asking how much are they how much are they how much are they#i didn't wanna tell her bc i knew shed judge me but i did. and she did#i almost feel like she thinks she'll be doing me a favor by not helping me get there bc i wont spend the money#but she really really wouldnt be#i was hoping i could buy one for tomorrow and just go by myself and not make it her issue#but theyre more than im willing to pay for crappy seats#and she said i dont want you to go at any cost and like!!!! im not!!!!!#i hate myself for stooping low enough to accept resale prices but im not spending all of my money#and i have standards for prices for where the seats are#i made the decision to sell my vienna ticket before the shows were canceled bc i knew it was thr responsibile thing to do!!!!!#i will not drive 12 hours to toronto by myself!!!!!!#im doing it at more cost than i would like but not any cost. and id also like to not be judged for it#and also. its so important to me. and if i explain how important it is. id probably get judged for that too#idk man. she said she's gonna look some now at Toronto traveling expenses#she didn't say she would have an answer by tonight#you would think if she doesn't want me to spend a crazy amount of money she would have some urgency about answering me#ig she just doesnt wanna tell me no.#idk. idk. idk. maybe i will figure out some way to go to Toronto by myself if she says no#maybe ill buy an even more ridiculously priced ticket for tomorrow#idk. ahahhahahajahahahahah
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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WE HAVE TO FUCKING NORMALIZE PEOPLE WITH PERSONALITY DISORDERS AAA (runs into oncoming traffic)
#wow this person is fucking terrible. how can we help them--#--be happier and not hurt people?#watchnig some good videos on deconstructing the current content mill trends#neither of them gets into the psychological stuff tho#and sometimes often comes off saying “dont call random people the evil pd that a) isnt real or b) is ACTUAL dangerous”#one vid even had someone underneath saying “ah this makes me feel better as someone with npd traits”#and then the replies are trying to save their damn soul#PEOPLE HAVE ISSUES AND PROBLEMS#THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ARE NARCISSISTS AND THEY ARE SHITTY AND MEAN AND NASTY#as the incredibly professional language of the dsm will tell you#the point is that they are people!!!#“worst person you know” disorder is real to some effect because there are people who act like shit because of whatever is going on for them#the point and what psychiatric and common language should orient to is#IT WONT BE EXORCISMS OR TRIGGERING THEIR TRAUMAS IT WILL BE COMPLEX ENGAGEMENT WITH THEM#not for everyone cause yes these people can be draining assholes who hurt you but we need to build a society that will care for them!!!!#if you ever think of a group of people whom you strongly dislike interacting iwth personally and your thought is to socially sanction or--#--“remove them”. brother get it together#they deserve a service that respects them and their complexity and will let them live their damn lives in some form of piece#what is that solution -- very complex. ill get back to you once ive earned my doctorate#BUT WE NEED TO FUCKING HELP PEOPLE EVEN IF THEY ARE TERRIBLE!!!!!!#psychology stuff#PDs#mental health#shut the heck up#tag talking
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#personal#please this is the fourth appointment ive had just to try and get the fucking doctor to sign my stupid form properly#please give ya girl tips. i cant walk away without my papers today this has gone on so long#too long!!!! please please anyone give me tips on how to make the fucking stupid doctor just write some words on a fucking piece of paper#please#literally all she has to do is write the words already written in my other dx boxes onto another piece of paper for me#why is it so fucking hard for her. dont doctors have to go to school for a long time why cant this one read and write???!#internet please im begging you here if you know the exact right things to say to make it happen please tell me!!#or i might start screaming at this idiot woman its been one of those days/weeks. i dont want to be the one yelling at the doctors office#i just want my fucking papers in order. which since ive got the last decade of paper trail already organized#SHOULDNT BE THIS FUCKING HARD SHOULDNT TAKE THIS LONG OR THIS MANY APPOINTMENTS FUCK#im already so mad and i havent even got dressed yet 😒 idk if thats better than the mute medical alter#is pissiness better than silence? does it work better on the self appointed smartest people who wont fucking listen?#self appointed self entitled self centered. doctor doctor im dealing with genuine medical issues that effect my everyday fucking life#i actually dont have time or patience or energy to make sure you still feel smart and big and important#just do your fucking job. write whats already written on a new piece of paper and we can both go about our lives WHY#ARE YOU MAKING THIS SO HARD THERE IS NO REASON
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ig i just personally dont rlly vibe w ppl who think that merely saying 'i wish they died' just to lighten the heavy weight of their overwhelming emotions (that they cant control may i add) is the same thing as actively actually murdering someone 💀
#did u know that venting can actually make someone feel a bit better and less inclined to act on thoughts.....#when u create environment in society where u force everyone to supress and hide all their ugly thoughts and emotions#those feelings will grow stronger and stronger and poison you#and that's why ppl eventually explode when it cant be contained anymore#ppl expressing things - that they prob dont even mean or want to be true or a reality#is nowhere near the same thing as ppl acting on it or causing others harm#but then also i am of the opinion that *everyone* deserves help and treatment. ppl shouldnt be discarded and labeled as broken or crazy#sm ppl have overwhelming emotions they cant control bc all of our brains are different. there should be *quality* help available for everyo#instead we live in a society that shames ppl. that push ppl into boxes and say#if u dont fit into this tiny neat little square u are ugly broken disgusting and reprihensible!!!#then they just banish u to the shadows where they dont have to see u or look at u#anyway this is a whole society thing that is connected to this issue in my braib#brain*#what i was gonna say was that i personally think venting and expressing your thoughts - no matter how ugly they are#is necessary for humans. esp when it's in a space where the potential target of the thoughts wont see#esp when there are no plans of taking yhe thoughts into action#asl long as u can separate complaining and venting ur frustrations and causing someone (undeserved) harm irl#thats just who i am and this is my blog and i dont appreciate ppl telling me#that i have to shove it all back inside and im not allowed to express anything#if you're a wasp who thinks everything should be bottled up. that everything should be expressed delicately#then u do you. but you do not tell me that i have to conform to your ways. i find your ways harmful and regressive#so maybe we should just go our separate ways huh? everyone arent meant to get along#theres no use in arguing or fighting or reprimanding ppl everytime u see smth u dont agree with#esp when all u see is a *thought* that causes no material harm to another person. then u should just be on ur merry way
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#horrible awful no good very bad day#apparently last night the apartment below ours caught fire and we were out of town#and we didnt find out til several hours later from our neighbor who had to track me down on facebook- we didnt hear a thing#from the apartment in any official capacity until like? 10 hours after the fire?#anyway we rushed home supremely early from a friend trip that was like#meant to be very good and fun#anyway so we rush home because no one can tell us if our cats are okay#and they were but our whole apartment is supremely smoky and all of our possessions are extremely smoky#and we cant stay there or let the cats stay there because of the smoke and soot and particles it just doesnt feel safe#so now im in my partners familys house which is like#fine but its full of people and i dont feel fully comfortable and i cant fully relax and and and and and etc etc etc etc#and tomorrow i have to wake up early and go over there and find out what if anything the complex plans to do about it and how long its gonna#be until we can come back safely. or more likely get more noncommittal answers and be unsure#and i dont know how long i can stay here and be normal#AND to top it all off i paid like 60$ to go to an aquarium i didnt even get to go to . but yknow. all of my friends got to !#and like im happy for them but no one was excited as i was and now i get to ruminate on how everyone got to do the fun thing i love#while i was stuck doing 17 loads of laundry and bathing the soot out of my cats fur in someone elses house#certainly it could be worse and im glad my cats are fine and im glad its just smoke damage and not yknow. Burn damage#but im having a sad little pity party anyway because i was supposed to have an amazing beautiful day ending in a relaxing evening#in my own home#and now i have to cope with all of this instead. all i want to do is cry#and also like. im scared we will have to move#but im also scared we wont... because like#i think it was a gas issue. and knowing that that happened in my building? and also knowing how much landlords love to halfass#repairs and everything else#i just dont know how safe i will feel there#even if they tell me its fine#anyway sorry for the tag vent post again my old ways will never die#ghost posts
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Audio
YouTube link // SoundCloud link // Part 1
#sonic the hedgehog#sonic frontiers#i'm here#evanescence#bring me to life#wake me up inside#wake me up (wake me up inside)#undefeatable#giganto#mashup#mashups#sth#frontiers#frontiers spoilers#sonic frontiers spoilers#my edits#me talking#so mad that soundcloud wont let me post the first part. its like telling the punchline of a joke but not the setup#ive seen someone put BMTL's vocals over His World and thats been up for years. whats the issue#audio#jams#my mashups
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