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#and it makes me feel like its just everyone's way of telling me I'm not their friend
authorhjk1 · 11 hours
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Punishment
(Handong X Male Reader)
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"So what? It's not like you're my boyfriend."
"You're right. I'm not."
You take a good look at Handong's stage outfit. It was already slutty to begin with. A sports bra, a see through jacket, loose pants and even her panties sticking out.
"But I don't want everyone to stare at what's mine."
"Yours?"
Handong furrows her brows.
"Yes. Mine."
You take a step closer, the two of you standing almost nose to nose. Well, if Handong was taller.
"I might be Jiu's boyfriend. But you all agreed to satisfy me, whenever and wherever. And I don't like you showing off what is only ment for me."
"Really? What about Yooheyon then?"
Handong's snappy tone makes you roll your eyes. Here we go again. With this never ending I-throw-another-member-under-the-bus-so-I'm-not-the-only-one-getting-punished thing.
"I will take care of Yooheyon's ass later. But I'm here for yours now."
Handong's cheeks turn pink. She always becomes this shy and pure whenever you tell her that you want her. It's cute, no doubt. But it's the total opposite of who she really is.
Her eyes wander to the bag in your hand, which she glanced at occasionally since you walked into her room. And finally you open it up. The young woman can feel her whole body becoming warmer as you take out a big bottle of lube. You put it into her hand without looking up, too busy with taking out the next item.
Handong herself is still looking at the bottle, too focused on imagining if she can take your punishment. That's why she doesn't see the push coming. With a yelp, her back hits the sheets. You quickly get on top of her and turn her around. Stripping her off her jacket is just a matter of seconds. When Handong finally starts to struggle, you've already tied one of her hands to the bedpost.
"What aree you doing?"
"What does it look like, princess?"
Her cheeks flush once more, but she keeps up the struggle. Sitting on top of her, you press her into the sheets with your own weight. Handong is completely helpless as you tie her second wrist to the other bedpost.
"Wait. Can't I make it up to you?"
"Oh, you will. Don't you worry about that."
Your tone makes Handong fight back harder, but to no use. Moments later, her legs are all tied up too.
"Oh come one. It's not like I had much of a choice. The company gave me the outfit."
You don't answer, but instead raise her hips with one hand and pull down her pants with the other. Revealing the rest of her already partially exposed panties, you let Handong's body fall back on the sheets.
"I promise I'll be good from now on."
Despite being completely tied up, Handong still pulls on the ropes on her wrists.
"I recognize that bottle. Yooheyon said you used it on her when..."
She comes to a hold, once again putting on a shy act. You let your hands roam her cheeks, giving them a squeeze here and there. It makes her lift her hips off the bed involuntarily. In a swift motion, you pull off her panties.
You hear her gasp as you are greeted with Handong's ass and pussy. The latter already visibly wet.
"When you tried out that your new toy on her. She said she couldn't leave the bed that day, because she couldn't walk."
You place your hand on of her cheeks and reach down with your thumb to play with her folds a little. Handong's breath hitches at your touch.
"A-Are you going to use it on me too?"
"No, princess."
A harsh spank hits her completely by surprise. Her mewl makes you smile.
"I need to punish you properly."
Reaching for the bottle, you open it and tilt it on its head. The clear liquid hits Handong's cheeks soon after. You wait for a good while, probably emptying one forth of the entire bottle. Once you're satisfied, you let it fall next to you.
Handong lets a moan slip out of her mouth as you massage the lube into her cheeks. Her porcelain like skin starts to glow in the light of her room. Her ass looks so much better this way. You can't help but bite your lip. More moans leave her lips as you keep coating her ass with the lube.
After quickly getting rid off your clothes, you coat your cock in the same liquid. You scoot a little closer, now almost sitting on her ass, pressing her cheeks upwards a little. It makes them look slightly bigger as you push your cock between them. You see her grabbing onto the ropes, bracing herself for what's to come.
"Damn, princess."
You groan as you push your tip into the ring of tight muscles. Handong let's out a deep moan. You don't need to slowly ease her into anal anymore. By now, Handong is almost taking you inside her asshole on a daily basis. It's just the first time you've tied her up.
"Oh, gosh."
Her eyes are shut tightly as you push further. The lube making it easier for you, but you still have to come to a hold eventually, waiting for her ass to get accustomed to being filled. But eventually, you can start to fuck Handong properly.
Her mewls and whines echo through the room as you pound her ass from behind. She doesn't have a choice. She can only take it. Like the good little princess she is. Or at least that's what she is supposed to be.
You hold onto her cheeks for now. Slightly spreading them apart, the oily skin still glistening in the light. A gorgeous sight. You watch your cock going in and out of her ass, her tight muscles already loosening up. Shortly after, you can fuck Handong's ass as rough as you would fuck the other's pussies.
Too focused on her cheeks, you only notice after some time that her moans have become quieter. Looking at her, you see that her head as dropped. Face first into her pillow. You reach forward, grabbing her pink pigtails.
"Oh god, yes!"
Handong's cry makes you fuck her harder as you you use her pigtails as handle bars. Her tight ass squeezes your cock. Unlike Yooheyon, Handong can actually take quite a lot. So you don't have trouble speeding up, making sure your hips clap against her cheeks.
And idea comes to mind. You take both her pigtails in one hand and reach with the other for her phone, which she put down next to her on the bed, when you entered her room. Handong suddenly becomes quiet, when she hears the calling sound.
"W-Who are you calling?"
"Don't worry, princess."
"Hello?"
You hear your girlfriend's voice through the phone. Instead of answering, you place it right in front of Handong's face on the pillow. Taking her pigtails in both hands once more, you start to fuck her again.
"Hello?"
Jiu asks again. And despite her desperate efforts, Handong soon answers with a string of desperate moans. She is turning into a mess underneath you, while her leader praises her on the other side of the line.
"Good girl, Handong. I hope you're satisfying my boyfriend? Just take it and be good. You know how much I love you, right?"
You can't see her face, but you would bet everything you have on the fact that Handong's embarrassment is at an all time high. You bite your lip, feeling a familiar feeling in your stomach at the thought. You let go of her pink hair, making Handong's head fall back into the pillow and with that onto her phone as well. Her nose touches the screen, cutting Jiu's praises short.
Sooner rather than later, unfortunately, you find yourself nearing your orgasm. You wish you could fuck her tight hole for longer, but you know you can't take much more.
"Fuck, Handong. I'm gonna creampie your ass."
Only a moan leaves her lips, but that's confirmation enough for you.
You go faster and harder for one last time. Doing your best to properly pound her ass.
With a groan, you come to a hold. You lean down on her as you feel her ass milking your cock. Handong gasps as she feels your cum fill her puckered hole. After a couple of moments, you thrust into her a couple of times, making sure you push your seed as deep inside of her as possible.
Eventually, you climb off her used body. Handong doesn't move. Her face once more in her pillow, her face red in embarrassment. You find it cute that Handong becomes shy when you cum inside of her.
But when she hears the door open, she finally looks over her shoulder.
"W-Where are you going?"
"Like you said, Yooheyon needs to be punished too."
"And you're gonna leave me here?"
"Did you think your punishment is over already?"
-------------
Hi guys!
Just a short fic for Handong. I needed to get this out of my system, so I can get back to writing SNSD Village. Hope you guys enjoyed it.
Stay healthy everyone!
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throneofsapphics · 2 days
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let our bodies talk
Rowan x Reader x Ruhn
summary: Rowan and Ruhn help you deal with your guilt around sex, and take your virginity
warnings: virgin!reader, raw p in v (wrap it up everyone), religious guilt/shame, light hair pulling
word count: 3426
a/n: based on this request!
“Do you want us?” Ruhn finally asked, running a hand through his hair, the other toying with his lip ring. He pointedly ignored the silver-haired male staring at him like he wanted to chop him into bits and either sell them at the Meat Market or feed them to the creatures at the bottom of the Istros. 
Rowan had more patience and experience with immortality than he did. If you wanted him to wait another hundred years, he would, gladly, but he wanted to know what page you were on and he was ... well, he was used to having rather forward partners, he supposed. 
It started with him as an emissary to your world, and ended with this relationship he never could have expected, but would never change for a thing. You were everything he’d ever wanted and more. 
Your mouth parted, skin flushed, and eyes widened slightly. One of his favorite looks on you. “Of course,” the words came out quickly. Adorable. Everything about you was adorable. Cthona, he really was obsessed with you. “We’re together, aren't we?” You gained back a little bit of that attitude he loved. His mouth curved into a smirk. 
“Yes, love, we are.” 
“Ruhn is asking if you want to have sex with us,” Rowan grunted from behind you. You whirled around, not having seen him apparently. He shot you a slightly apologetic look. You were the only one who got those kinds of looks out of him, and it made Ruhn respect you even more. The male would bend over backwards for you. 
“I m- I mean yes, I do, I just ...” you trailed off uncharacteristically. 
Ruhn leaned forward in his chair, forearms bracing his thighs, Rowan rounded the couch to sit next to you, leaving a careful foot or so between the two of you. This conversation didn’t need touch, not right now at least. Ruhn stayed in his seat. Just talking about this, the idea of it, was making all sorts of unproductive changes to his blood flow. 
-
You sighed, glancing between the two of them. You wouldn’t get out of this conversation right now, at least not without them getting an acceptable answer. How do you even begin to explain your relationship with sex? When it's so complicated you barely feel like you understand it yourself? 
“Just listen to me, please,” you half pleaded, half ordered. They glanced at each other before turning to you and nodding. “I grew up with a lot of ... shame surrounding sex,” you could tell Ruhn was ready to interrupt and say fuck that, but Rowan fixed him with a look and although the male glared back he kept his mouth shut. Another time you might have laughed. “So as much as I fucking crave both of you, those thoughts are still trained into me. That its dirty, bad, against the gods wishes.” 
Rowan pressed his lips together at the last one, you knew it was ridiculous too - some of the gods were notoriously horny, after all. 
“So I'm a little ... behind because I avoided everything for so long.” 
“Are you a virgin?” Rowan asked, tone carefully neutral. If they cared either way ... well, then they wouldn’t be the males for you. 
“Yes,” you lifted your chin just a tad higher, trying to imbue yourself with some sort of confidence. 
“That’s not a problem for me,” Ruhn said, almost soothingly. 
“It shouldn’t be,” Rowan sent a warning look your way at the snip in your tone, and you glared right back at him. He held both hands up placatingly, almost in a ‘not policing you, I'm just trying to keep the peace,’ way. 
Ruhn caught your gaze, and you both burst into laughter, eyes lighting with mirth. Rowan snorted. Basically a roaring laugh coming from him. 
“Come here,” the unintentional dominance in Rowan’s voice bent your knees before you could think better of it. Not that you wanted to, not really. He patted the area next to him, giving you the option to close the distance. You did. 
You felt more than heard Ruhn move, as the couch dipped on your other side. You liked it here, pressed between them, your legs lining up from thigh to hip, just a few layers between your skin and theirs. The desire to remove the layers was there, but that old guilt crept in and tainted it. Your hand brushed the back of your neck, head tilting down, eyes trained on the floor. 
Ruhn caught your hand, bringing it down to rest on his thigh. You flexed your fingers, exploring the feel of the corded muscle beneath those jeans. His leg tensed, keeping hand settling over yours, keeping you still. 
“However long it takes,” he kissed the exposed side of your neck, “I'll teach you to not be ashamed of what your body wants.” 
“Of what you want,” Rowan added, running his thumb over your knee, his hand cupping your leg. 
“I want both of you,” you said the words quickly, as if they might never come out if you didn’t say them as fast as possible. 
“You’ll need to be a bit more specific than that,” Rowan’s eyes trailed you from head to toe, taking in every inch of your body. A hunger that you either hadn’t seen or noticed before flared. Tightness coiled in your stomach, you could arouse those kinds of feelings in them. You found you liked that power. 
“Relax, Rowan,” Ruhn drawled. The other male tensed. You smiled. “I think we can ask some questions, can’t we?” 
A muscle in Rowan’s jaw flexed, but he gave a short nod. 
Sometimes you wondered if you were the glue bonding them together, but they had a bond of their own outside of the one the three of you shared. Not sexual, but almost ... you couldn’t quite find a term to describe it. Maybe you’d invent one later. For now, they were capturing all of your attention. Questions. You knew what kind of questions they’d ask, but it didn’t leave you feeling any more prepared for it. 
“Has anyone touched this beautiful body before?” Ruhn breathed against your neck, his hand running down your thigh indolently. 
“You,” you said, a touch of something like defiance in your tone. One of them pinched your thighs lightly. Rowan. 
“It doesn’t work if you don’t answer our questions, love,” he said. 
“Not very well,” you sighed, throwing your head back to look up at the ceiling. Why did this have to feel so ... 
“These conversations aren’t meant to be smooth,” Ruhn reminded you. It gave you a bit of much-needed courage and you gave yourself a reminder. You loved these males, trusted them, and knew they’d never do anything to intentionally hurt you or make you feel upset. In fact, they’d usually do their best to make sure the opposite happened. 
“Did you like anything about their touch?” Rowan’s large hand covered part of your thigh, tips of his fingers digging in light enough to add a pleasurable pressure but avoid that edge of pain. Regardless, each of their touches felt like fire in your current wound up state and you doubted anything could douse it right now. 
“When it was over,” you said, honestly, and drew a laugh from each of them. 
“I promise you won’t want this to end,” Ruhn said. Tilting your head, blue eyes peered intently at you, full of heat and passion and desire. “I think we can figure out how to ask these questions without speaking,” he brushed the top of your thigh, playing with your hemline, “hm?” 
You arched towards him, hands reached out to grasp at his arms, tugging him closer, closer, closer, however you could get any contact with him. Something about his tone and words awoke a new desperation in you. The time for talking, for thinking, was over. 
Ruhn caught your hands. You frowned. He switched them to one of his and used the other to tilt your chin up. “If you want this to stop at any time, just say the word. Or tap a few times if you can’t speak.” 
“We won’t be angry or upset,” Rowan added. 
“If you were, I'd kick your asses. Before leaving them,” you grumbled.
Ruhn held his hands up. “I’m terrified,” he deadpanned. 
The pause gave space for ugly emotions to rear and infiltrate, invading your headspace. 
You heard the words of the priests and priestesses from your childhood, of your mother and father wondering what the hell you were doing before damning and cursing you. Doubt had no place in this room, but it found its way inside anyway. 
“I don’t think she wants this,” you heard Ruhn say, and your head snapped up. 
-
Ruhn hoped his gamble paid off and Rowan played along, that they could draw out your competitive side. 
Green eyes narrowed, but he said, “I’m afraid you may be right.” Rowan Whitethorn wasn’t afraid of a damn thing, but that wasn’t the point. 
“Yes I do,” you spluttered indignantly. That was the point.
“Show us,” Rowan challenged you. 
“I don’t know how,” your voice dropped to a furious whisper, and he wondered if you might call everything off. 
“Ask for help,” Rowan countered. 
“I thought we would do this without speaking,” Ruhn interjected. 
In unison, both you and Rowan replied, “that’s what you said,” and he bit back a grin. 
“One question then,” Rowan continued, “do you want us to fuck you tonight?” 
“Yes,” there was no hesitation, in fact eagerness in your tone. Bringing out your competitive side did work, and he noted that for later. 
“We’ll be gentle,” Rowan told you. 
You huffed. Ruhn titled his head, Rowan raised a brow at you. 
“I want you, not some watered down version of you - both of you.” 
“As you wish, my love,” Rowan murmured. 
“Your funeral,” Ruhn joked. 
“But I have one rule,” he sat up a little straighter at your words. 
“What is that?” 
“No magic,” you glanced between both males. “I just want you. Both of you.” 
-
“Very well,” Rowan acquiesced, not sounding too put out. “Come here,” he patted his thighs. After checking for Ruhn’s agreement to your ‘rule,’ you did. 
This part, this first step, you knew how to do. You’d kissed both of them before. Straddling him, you balanced yourself on the middle of his thighs. His fingers trailed up and down your sides, front, back, everywhere he could reach, brushing sensitive areas over your clothing. Brushing too lightly for how drastically your body seemed to react. Or maybe that was the point, less is more. 
‘Let go, stop thinking,’ you reminded and reprimanded yourself. 
It took you a minute or two to realize Rowan was waiting for something. For you to initiate. 
Leaning forward, you brushed your lips against his, mimicking the featherlight touches he was leaving on your body. Rowan wasn’t having it, and gripped the back of your head, winding his fingers through your hair before bringing you together. 
He stood, mouth still on yours, and you tightened your legs around his waist, locking your ankles, he wrapped one arm around your lower back, and snapped at Ruhn with his spare hand. 
The other male, understandably, snarled in return and you broke away from Rowan to hide your giggles into his shoulder. 
It broke the tension, and after a few strides from Rowan you were bouncing back on your bed, thrown there by him. Catching yourself against the headboard, it was your turn to glare. 
“That’s what you get for laughing,” Ruhn shrugged out of his shirt, and fuck your mouth watered. “My eyes are up here,” he teased you. 
“I thought we weren’t talking,” you snapped back. 
Not Ruhn, you could see all of him, but you felt another hand on the back of your neck. Rowan. Lips brushed against your ear, “I should just bend you over our bed and fuck you, but I think we can make it a little more enjoyable than that.” 
That sounded very enjoyable to you, and maybe scared you just a tad but not in an unpleasant way. Involuntarily, your thighs clenched. Ruhn’s chuckle told you he noticed. Heat seared your cheeks, the back of your neck, your chest. 
Half-naked, he climbed on the bed after you. Rowan stood next to the footboard, seemingly content to watch just for the moment. 
They seemed too coordinated and organized, in your opinion, and alarm bells flared in your mind and you scrambled with your hands to sit up. 
“Are you speaking to him?” You couldn’t fight the hint of accusation in your tone as you asked Ruhn.
“We’re making this enjoyable,” he pushed down lightly on your shoulders, “let us.” 
“Let go, love,” Rowan encouraged. 
You pursed your lips together in a frown, but nodded. You could let go, for tonight. Letting your hands slide out, your back hit the soft duvet cover again, the fabric silky against your skin. Relax. You were entirely capable of letting go. 
Ruhn’s lips hit your shoulder first, a soft and gentle kiss, before trailing down over your chest. The longer he went on, the firmer, you wouldn’t exactly call it rough, he got. Each touch grew more intense, his hands on your ribcage, pushing you down into the mattress as his lip ring flicked over your nipple. Teeth lightly grabbing the now swollen peak, tugging it up, drawing a gasp, before releasing. Testing how each part of your body reacted to different pressures and sensations. Learning you. 
He was good at this, you realized, with a hint of jealousy you quickly tamped down. Here and now, you reminded yourself. Focus. Capable. 
Lost in his touch, you didn’t notice the other male sliding in behind you until you were rising, your back pressed against his chest. Ruhn made a noise of discontent, like a kid with his candy taken away from him. 
“Ruhn’s going to fuck you first,” Rowan murmured in your ear, stroking down the side of your arm. “And when he’s done, I'll get to fuck that pretty little pussy, how does that sound?” 
“Great,” you barely managed to say. 
Then he was gone, out from behind you, and you were lowered onto the duvet again, head propped up on a pillow, Ruhn’s head between your - fuck. You lost all train of thought, all capability of thought as his tongue flicked your clit. Your voice left you as his lip ring, that beautiful thing, slid across your clit, a finger slipping inside and curling, putting just the right amount of pressure - and throwing you over the edge. 
Ruhn slowly worked you through your orgasm, adding another finger and twisting. You winced slightly at the stretching sensation. He stopped. 
“Just a little,” you panted, “uncomfortable. Keep going.” At the uncertain look on his face you added a, “please,” and that did the trick. 
He kept watching you intently, looking for every little change that might tell him something is wrong. But ... you didn’t feel the need to put on a performance. Instead, you found you liked the intensity he looked at you with. It made you feel wanted and desired in ways you never had before. It was bringing you to new highs. With another scream, your body melted into the mattress, legs falling limply to your sides. 
“I think she’s ready,” you heard Rowan. You nodded your agreement. Just a taste and you’d grown greedy, wanting more, more, more. All they would give you, all you could take. 
A belt clicked, clothes rustled, and you sat up on your elbows, impressed that even with the slight shake in your arms you could still hold yourself up. Maybe it was sheer determination to see Ruhn getting undressed that did it. It was certainly worth it. 
Licking your lips subconsciously at the sight of him, you realized he was pretty everywhere, including his cock. Near the same color as his skin, but with a glistening pink tip and a bulging vein running down the side, you wanted him in you. Now. 
“Get over here,” you breathed. 
“Bossy,” he said, raising his brows, but didn’t fucking move. 
Pressing your lips together, you saw a few avenues in front of you, and picked the one you figured would light a fire under him the best. 
“I guess I have to do it myself,” you sighed and let one arm slide out, snaking its way towards your center. 
It didn’t make it, not as Ruhn was there, catching your hand. “Not this time, princess.” 
His hand splayed against the backs of your thighs, pressing them up and to the sides as he knelt between your legs. 
“Breathe,” he ordered, and you’re glad you listened as he first pushed past your walls. Sharp pain hit your abdomen, catching your breath in your throat. 
An icy wind found its way down your throat, and you decided you’d thank Rowan, mentally, now and yell, verbally, at him later. 
“How are you feeling?” 
“Keep going,” you hissed through clenched teeth. You might’ve had a lot of ... conflicting feelings surrounding sex, but that didn’t mean you hadn’t educated yourself. All the bodice rippers told you that the pleasure would kick in soon, that before you knew it you’d be overwhelmed by the “feel good” hormones. Gods you hoped they were real. 
He moved, but slowly. Lifting your hips to switch the angle, you gasped as he hit somewhere deep inside of you. That felt good. 
“That’s the spot, then,” he murmured, more to himself. 
“Fuck you feel good,” you moaned, nails clawing at his shoulders, searching for some kind of grip or anything to hold on to. He chuckled and lowered himself just enough you could grab them, before his hands spread against your sides, gripping you firmly. 
“Remember what you said earlier,” he paused inside of you. You wanted to scream at him. Instead you were left looking at his dumbly, eyes blinking. “About not wanting a watered down version of us. You’re still sure?” 
“Yes I’m sure, just fuck me or I'll-”
You didn’t get a chance to finish your words as he moved again, tilting your hips to that perfect angle before driving into you, over and over again. 
Not quite rough, but certainly not gentle, whatever he was doing was absolutely perfect, and as his fingers found your clit, you had your third - or was it fourth? - orgasm of the night. 
You actually whined as he pulled out, his eyes still open and fixed on you. He hadn’t finished. A pout started forming. 
As if he read the words in your eyes, he said, “someone else has been waiting for their turn, I’m sharing you tonight princess,” and jerked his head to the side. You followed the motion, and Rowan stood there, looking at you with pure hunger in his eyes. 
You swallowed. Louder than you intended to. Ruhn moved off you. 
“On your knees,” Rowan said roughly, but didn’t give you a chance before he gripped your hips and flipped you. Squeaking, your hands scrambled and slid before you landed on your elbows. His hand twisted around your hair, not pulling but gripping and tilting your head to look at him. “I still want to see your face, but it’ll be easier for you this way.” 
Easier? Just then, you realized you hadn’t gotten a good look at him, but based on how Ruhn went first you could put together a few things. 
“Alright,” you breathed. 
There was no hesitation from either side as Rowan slid in you, your body both welcoming and protesting him, your hips and thighs already beginning to ache, but you wanted more. A greedy little monster had begun to bloom in you. 
Both of them just felt right, in different ways, and you - 
“Eyes on me,” Rowan snapped. Your eyes flew to him, and his mouth indented at one corner in the way the stoic smile. “I said I wanted to see your face, love.” 
His hands gripped your hips. 
“See your pretty little face as you take my cock so well.” 
The words drew a moan from you, sending pleasure from the tips of your fingers to the bottom of your toes, making you push yourself back on him. Green stared at you, unrelenting as each slow, hard thrust nearly bounced you off him 
“Look how perfectly you’ve opened up for me,” he sounded almost teasing, “just like you were made for me.” 
Maybe you were, made for both of them as they were for you. 
-
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Note
Y'know, if Lila was just a one-off character for Volpina and we never saw her again, a few tweaks in that episodes writing could have made it a good lesson about not letting your temper get the best of you, even in a situation where your anger is justified
This is in reference to the post where I discussed how terrible Volpina's lesson is and I agree with the proposed change. If Marinette has to be in the wrong here, that's the only way to make it kind of work. In fact, this is what I thought the episode was trying to do on my first watch. When the next season started with Lila gone, I thought, "Okay, so that episode was supposed to be about being the better person and having a more measured response when you've been wronged. I don't think it did that lesson super well, but I can see what they were going for and we'll give them some grace. Definitely one that I wouldn't just give to a kid, though. Way too high a risk of them internalizing a very wrong message."
I only gave the writers that grace because I assumed that Ladybug had truly humiliated Lila out of Paris off screen (remember, we only see Ladybug out Lila to Adrien even though Lila was lying to everyone) and that is a pretty extreme punishment for a teenager making a dumb choice. Even then, saying that Ladybug was in the wrong feels a little too victim blame-y for my tastes. Lila was the one telling the lies and using Ladybug's name for clout on a city-wide scale or possibly even a national/international scale depending on the Ladyblog's viewership. By telling those lies, Lila was harming Alya's credibility and presenting herself as a sort of authority on Ladybug, a position that she was going to use to her advantage as we saw with her manipulating Adrien. She was also putting herself at risk if Gabriel or other villains believed the lies and saw her as a way to get to Ladybug.
That means that the lies Lila told aren't exactly minor, victimless crimes like the lies Marinette and Adrien tell to hide their identities. Lilia's lies needed to be outed on the same scale that they were broadcast and there's no kind way to do that. It's going to have a brutal edge no matter how pretty the words are.
There are times when it's right to be "the better person" and let a thing go, but it's hard to view this as one of them because this was not a nuanced situation. There was no reasonable option other than issuing a public retraction and Ladybug didn't even go that far! She had a single, private confrontation with Lila and then let the matter rest. A better version of this episode might see Alya and Marinette giving a really mean retraction on the Ladyblog that they then feel bad about because they should have been more professional, but that's about it as far as possible improvements go.
If we look at what the episode actually gave us, it feels like another Gamer situation. An episode that blames Marinette for impure motivations while ignoring anyone else's faults, creating a nonsense moral that just makes me mad. Ladybug-is-wrong-for-confronting-the-liar-for-impure-reasons is certainly a take. It's just not one that I'm ever going to agree with. To give a recent, real-world example, do people really feel that James Somerton was the wronged party because his many, many lies and instances of plagiarism were outed in a brutal public takedown? (Context part 1 & part 2, though part 2 is the one to watch if you only want to see why letting lies from respected sources go unchecked can be so messy.)
To be clear, I don't think that Lila's lies were Somerton bad in Volpina, but they were starting to go down that road and they arguably reached Somerton levels by season five. Fakes identities, almost getting Marinette expelled, using her lies to get social power from Gabriel, the list goes on, which is yet another reason to hate Volpina. Its nonsense moral is a big part of why Lila could do all of that. Ladybug should have outed Lila! Society suffered and will continue to suffer because she didn't. That's why you have to stop misinformation as soon as you possibly can, but that wasn't actually the moral of Volpina. The moral was that Ladybug was in the wrong for being mean to the liar. Maybe if she'd been nicer, then Lila wouldn't be so evil now which is a very gross moral! Volpina really does feel even more victim blame-y now that Lila is the new big bad.
That's a good segue to circle back and finish off my original topic: I gave the writers grace for Volpina until Lila returned and established that she'd never been publicly outed. At that point, Volpina lost any chance at me giving it charity. The lesson was worse than I thought and I was fully justified in hating it. It's one of the ones I use when I explain why I wouldn't want a child getting into Miraculous because the problem with Volpina's moral is pretty straightforward.
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bd-wlf · 2 months
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something about Maurice(1987) and how it made me realize i do not want to spend my life alone and that i do in fact crave deeper more emotional bonds with those around me, the type of bond that blurs the lines of platonic and romantic like i want to know who I'm spending time with. some homoeroticism bullshit yknow?
and something about Sherlock Holmes(specifically Elementary) that made me realize I'm actually aro-ace and that I've been repressing those feelings. and more so that i really really want a QPR, someone to go crazy for in a platonic way yknow? someone who just gets me yeah?
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autisticlee · 3 months
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no one knows just how hard I work at things. how I have to work 1000000x more than the average person to compensate for being autistic and adhd and probably other things i'm working out with therapist, and having a sort of physical disability i've not received any help or treatment for. everyone assumes I don't try or give up too soon. they think I just started, need more practice. they think I expect everything handed to me immediately with no work or effort and don't acknowledge the multiple years i've put into things. they think I have no right to be upset about still failing to get where I want even after working my entire life to get there, while watching people around me surpass even my meager goals within a fraction of the time and work i've out into the same thing. constantly getting surpassed by everyone around me who seem to barely do any work to get there compared to me. it's all handed to them and falls into their lap so easily. all because they don't have the extra obstacles to overcome and work around that I do. while they go from point A to Z immediately with no major stops in between, I have to go through every single letter and then some, often getting sent back to the start. but it's always *my* fault, according to everyone. it's not the fault of those around me who ignore me, don't support me, don't help me, don't believe in me, etc. it's my fault they don't do those things. because doing the work of 10 people in one isn't enough, just because it's me. and not reaching Z as fast as everyone else means I don't deserve any of the support or help or anything else and means i'm not trying hard enough. it doesn't matter that I *need* to work harder than 100 "normal" people combined to get even half the result! Just because I can't reach what they do means i'm not trying hard enough! ugh.
#it's like they WANT me to give up!#they sure act like i'm not trying to give up/not trying if I mention how hard it is/how i'm upset I cant reach my goals after years of work#if someone tells me to just do the thing/stop giving up/try harder/practice more/it takes time/dont expect it to be handed to you/etc#ONE MORE TIME. im going to fucking lose it. in fact im losing it right now hence the rant im writing!!!!!!!#can someone for once tell me its ok to feel frustrated and they know how hard i work and try and deserve better or something idk#ugh i hate this life. sometimes i hate being neurodivergent because it stops me from doing all the things i want#and no one is willing to help because they blame me and say im not trying hard enough when EXISTING takes more work than they realize!#for fuck sake im losing my mind here. not having any support and not being able to support yourself because none of your needs get met#and you have to try to do life with higher support needs and are denied any support. its so fucking hard. idk what to do#lee rants#autistic#autism#actually autistic#adhd#neurodivergent#audhd#and probably other things that could be tagged but im exhasuted. writing this was hard and took so much energy to make words happen#words hard. how get across what want to say?????? dont know#but why is it always dismissive comments and no one offering any actual help or support that would benefit me in any way#but everyone else gets so many opportunities and support? i guess if you need extra support you arent worth anything#IM ALLOWED TO BE UPSET AND FEEL BAD. PEOPLE NEED TO STOP DISMISSING MY FEELINGS AND TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT FEELING BAD.#WHAT DO YOU WANT AND EXPECT FROM ME FOR FUCK SAKE. HOW DOES ONE TRY HARDER THAN THEIR BEST!!!#HOW DOES ONE DO SOMETHING THEY PHYSICALLY CANT IF THEY ARENT ALLOWED THE HELP AND SUPPORT REQUIRED?!#HOW DO YOU EXPECT A BIRD TO FLY IF IT WAS BORN WITHOUT WINGS#ok im done
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acerikus · 1 month
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Someone being extremely annoying in the replies of my flowey and clover gif and I'm running out of patience 😭
#'well I THINK theyd just kill everyone then never reset in neutral' 'WE decide who clover is at heart' can you not#like. this is a piece of fanart. did you really just reply to tell me you don't like my headcanons or what#like... at least mention the art of you're gonna go on a several reply stint of this...#and im sorry but mmmmh... bad takes. frisk is morally ambiguous and its impossible to know what they'd do without our influence at this tim#but its a. fucking HUGE plot point in yellow neutral that we know what clover does without influence. without us. without flowey.#they stay w toriel indefinitely...#there's wiggle room for why and that's interesting. but its very clear vengeance wouldnt normally be their driving force#and that in itself is interesting! do we make them give into their anger? warp their sense of justice?#are they just going through the motions of getting this done now that they've ended up on this path?#that's all way more interesting to discuss than what feels like just treating them as a nothing character to treat as an insert#they did say its bc they dont like considering vengeance canon but that stumps me even more#why do you think we mold them then????#and idk if the devs said anything about it being noncanon but i haven't heard so#(and the devs also said Clover's gender is 'up to interpretation' and that's stupid so i also just don't care I'm sorry)#I'd rather embrace all routes and consider what that can mean for the characters#vengeance being unrealistic for ut means nothing when NONE of uty is realistic for ut#it's just a cool what if kinda story
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piplupod · 3 months
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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.
#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more#but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse#i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society#and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this#but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on#and everyone else is just painfully oblivious#I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao#when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak#and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much#i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind#and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it#im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings#but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel#and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard#and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person#i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time#like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people#i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe#Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything#and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly#like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl#i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well#my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things#and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!
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anastacialy · 4 months
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y'know, i keep making a habit of swinging my bat at hornets nests, but i have to say i'm getting so, so tired of people complaining about shows not making perfect sense when they aren't even close to done. we're four episodes into this season of doctor who. we're four episodes into this season of bridgerton. and yet in both fandoms i keep seeing people whine that such and such didn't make sense or it wasn't explained all the way and by god you guys i think maybe explanations might come later in the season. this is something most viewers will recognize as being called a 'plot.'
#like maybe a tiny bit of media literacy... might save you#and if you think i'm being mean like. its okay if you don't get it at first. it's okay if you don't understand the themes. but maybe#instead of stamping your feet and saying this makes no sense and i hate what they're doing and and and#maybe you could try listening to other people's interpretations of things and you'll find that what the show is trying to tell you becomes#more clear! would you look at that. wild how that happens#like im sorry you're entitled to your opinions but calling things bad writing just because you don't quite get it or it doesn't resonate#with you personally... i don't think you should just say this was shitty and worthless#the examples im using are because both resonate with me btw. 73 yards was existential horror it was hill house and bly manor#(im going to write about this in another post btw bc it compels me so)#it was about the way fear of abandonment can haunt you how mental illness can haunt you how you feel like you can drive people away#just by being yourself (the Woman was Herself what caused ruby to be abandoned was Her it's about her feeling as though she was the cause#of everyone who left her even as a baby even the people who loved her most could decide to not love her at the drop of a hat)#colin bridgerton is masking and faking a personality because it has been proven that time and time again#being Himself is Wrong that he annoys people he makes himself into what people expect of him because he's tired of being abandoned too#his family ignores and does not reply to his letters this season PEN stopped replying to his letters#his brother was cruel to him for being a romantic his friends LAUGHED AT HIM for saying sex is meaningful to him and don't they feel lonely#his Fake Rake persona makes viewers cringe because! its!! fake!!! he's faking it! HE GETS CALLED OUT ON IT TWICE IN EP ONE#if you don't understand he's faking it then that's on you at that point! i don't know! maybe take a minute to sit in the discomfort and ask#why did this show make me react this way and do you think maybe it was on purpose#''73 yards was confusing'' do you think confusion may be one of the ways ruby feels about her abandonment?#there is a theme in all of her episodes so far is it ''badly written'' unclear to you or do you just refuse to think critically about it#txtly#and im sorry for tagging this its just for my blog i kinda wish they still didnt show up in tags if i tag them all the way at the bottom#[old lady ruby voice] ''i used to be able to tag things just for myself once upon a time''#bridgerton#bridgerton spoilers#doctor who#doctor who spoilers
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walker-lister · 8 months
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I just have to remind myself sometimes that no matter what anyone else says, the way a piece of media makes me feel and the positive impact it has had on my queer identity is valid, and that tearing myself apart thinking I have to defend it or questioning my own place within queer communities is not at all important when compared to the almost tangible sense of 'rightness' that piece of media helped me to feel about myself.
#just something i've been pondering the last few days#kind of like no matter how much people debate or i suppose theoretically deconstruct media featuring queer stories#the most important thing is how it makes a queer person feel#and I do think it is of course a good thing to ensure queer stories are executed with respect and authenticity#but there's this grey area in fandom spaces in which people may have found rep from a 'unreliable' source i suppose#or something which is queerbaiting- sherlock springs to mind for example yet if people have been able to explore and nurture their own#queerness through that media does that therefore mean their experience is invalid? i don't think so#and my worry is the more we focus on theory the less we focus on emotion and therefore the actual queer experience itself#and sure theory can inform the queer experience and ensure the media is a 'healthy' site of queer identity formation and identity aid#but at the same time scorning or being rude to those who have found certain media an aid is not the right approach to be taking#especially as queer experiences are so wide ranging that one person's idea of 'good' representation is someone's else's of 'bad'#and that unless a piece of media is clearly offensive in its portrayal of queer experience there has to be some benefit of doubt#I think we're still in a period of progression in media espc tv where queer creators are coming to the fore of their own stories#and we've got to 'live and let live' a little about where people are finding sights of queer validation and joy#and perhaps this a naive and simplistic way of thinking but i think queer people can either recognise when something isn't the best rep#but was helpful for them anyway and therefore in a way confer 'ownership' of the media to themselves in how they engage#or there is variety in queer experiences represented in media so that perhaps not everyone finds a 'site' of rep but that does not#therefore invalidate it or make it 'bad' representation#this is just my opinion and it'd be hypocritical for me to not now mention this is only formed from my own queer experience lol#so i'm not trying to tell anyone how to feel or anything just something i'm pondering
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sketchy-tour · 1 year
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A silly thing to randomly say maybe but I was thinking about it again. Yall are always free to take silly inspiration from my artstyle/the way I draw. I feel like trying to imitate cool things you see others do in art is a big part of the process in learning how you like to create and do things. So ye, if you ever feel bad for taking some light inspo off of my art aesthetics, don't! As long as you're not outright tracing or reposting, I really don't mind!
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Me: I'm fine about my autism now btw, like I've come to terms with my fixated interests, limited tolerances and social inabilities. The alienation it brings is not ideal but it's just a reality I've gotta deal with now that I know it's just a part of who I am. I mean, it's not like an awkward conversation is gonna ruin anyone's life, is it? We'll both move on from it eventually. This is fine!
Also me: physically unable to watch beyond the first word of the first question of The Assembly because oh my god what if someone says something awkward or controversial or someone can't make themselves understood people are gonna get mad and scream about it online and I will freeze up and be stuck in the backlash forever I don't know how to handle conflict AT ALL let's just hide in the corner behind the sofa instead wait what if I became a hermit actually yeah yeah yeah that sounds good let's do that
#unresolved trauma? never even heard of her haha 😅#maddie debrief#that 2-minute intro/taster did nothing to calm me down either btw#I'm never comfortable around the types of shows where 'difference' becomes the core conceit of the premise#oh. so you've created a format dependent on making a socially alienated group face the social rules that made them alien in the first place#and then deriving your conflict from the 'natural contradiction' between the two?#sounds like the exact kind of conflict-seeking environment where I can let my normal guard down enough to meaningfully challenge#my deeply rooted feeling that people generally find me cumbersome to be around and mostly just tolerate my presence out of necessity#lovely that#(like i say I haven't seen the show#so idk if it is actually like that or if it's just the promo material stirring shit up as per usual#but as of rn I do not feel welcome in this room)#why does the 'we're not so different after all' always have to come at the climax and never the midpoint of the story?#why can we never find more than personal gratification in that realisation?#why do we always focus on the difficulty of coming to the realisation rather than the conflict of putting the realisation into *practice*?#I know why#it is because the human imagination is far more limited than we like to believe#and we find it hard to even *imagine* a world that we haven't seen functioning for ourselves yet#let alone find a purpose in *acting* on the idea#(especially if we ourselves currently feel dependent on the status quo for our personal welfare#which is why shows made to depend on 'difference = conflict' make my blood run cold)#so if we have to see to believe - how many cases of real world functioning equity does the average person understand?#very few. so let's instead lazily invert the state of power in an existing dynamic that people are familiar with#thereby reaffirming its false dichotomy through perpetuating what is essentially the same old conflict#while claiming to subvert it when in fact all we have done is reverse the dominance while keeping everyone locked in their roles#can someone just put some thought into how we might create a format that aims to loosen up the underlying skewed power dyanmic#so that everyone has to work together to prevent the elevation of a single way of being over all others#because that just becomes suffocating to *everyone* in the end#and that can still *acknowledge difference* but not as a source of conflict - rather as a source of collective strength?#but the story of changing one perspective will always be easier to both tell and enjoy than the one about building something new
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#i hate that i'm like this but the girl we're hosting used my mug and it makes me irrationally angry#like#i didn't ever tell her ''hey don't use this mug because i have my own stuff and i don't like cross contaminating''#so i KNOW i have no right to be angry#and it coooouuld have been one of my family members who used it but i doubt it because they know i don't like sharing mugs and glasses etc#but either way this is just a symptom of how chaotic i feel in my own house and i hate myself for being like this#i never say anything because i KNOW its crazy people talk to be like ''hey that's my seat. why? because i always sit there and like it?''#and i know it doesn't affect anyone how the spoons are organized and how the plates are stacked and where the pots are stored#but its just infuriating to see things in places where (in my mind system) they don't go#i know it's the autism but that has never found me any sort of sympathy in my family (diagnosis or no diagnosis) so i can't say that#and if i skirt around it and say ''i like things a certain way and not having them like that causes me severe emotional distress''#it makes me seem controlling and abusive (which are things my mom has implied i am when i explain these things to her)#i know the real reason for these issues isn't our guest but also at this point she isn't our fucking guest because SHE'S BEEN HERE A MONTH#and she is clearly overstaying her welcome imo#i don't say anything because i'm not a mean person but i'm sure everyone around me can tell i'm stressed about something#i just need my space back but i don't even feel like i have a claim over that cuz mexican families are full of the ''my house my rules'' bs#which is untrue because a) the house isn't even owned by my parents anymore#(they made some stupid financial choices years ago and my uncle had to buy the house from them or risk foreclosure)#and b) we're all adults (except my brother obviously) and we all contribute however we can#so i should have some say in how i feel if i'm living here imo#and i am trying to make money however i can so i can move out soon#but just going out twice a week has me like this i can't imagine working a traditional job atm#(i did apply for a grant for autistic people of color so hopefully something will come of that)#anyways that was my rant i'm just really stressed and constantly on the brink of a meltdown#it's not this random girls fault#she just happens to be the final drop in my very very small bucket very often these days#(y'know because she's a fucking stranger in my house and i hate having to mask in my own home idk i'm awful i probably won't post this)
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arcaneyouth · 7 months
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started making a power point presentation about my ocs, made 2 slides, and then just stopped. i <3 creativity
#vent post#negative#mainly for the tags. heres your warning i got sad#to be fair. MOST of the problem is i want to make a power point presentation studying the themes of the story and every characters arc#which is a lot of fucking things! and i don't know how to organize it at all. and it of course has to touch on spoilers#but the other problem is overwhelming thoughts of 'nobody wants to see this' 😔#which is so frustrating cause i have so much proof its not true#people tell me they love my stories and characters all the time. i'm so lucky for that#oh wait lol figured it out. i don't want to make a power point presentation actually#it just feels like the only way i'll ever be able to get across all the thoughts i have without being a bother#but i have a difficult time actually working with power points so it's not actually that fun to make#so i'm not even doing this for my sake i'm doing it for everyone else again god damn it#huh. i don't even really want to ramble about The Themes and the character arcs#i think i just want someone else to do it. to prove that i'm not the only one that sees it or something#to engage with my story and show me They Get It#it feels unreasonable to want but i do want someone to point at the themes and point at specific panels and give me their ideas on it#so we can bounce back and forth discussing the meaning and how the story functions which is my favorite thing ever#but i can't ask people to do that. that takes a lot of effort especially Right Now when everything is awful all the time#and i accept that cause jesus christ everything is awful all the time#but boy can i yearn#hyperfixating on my ocs is very cool. i do love it. i love caring so unbearably much about some guys i made#it does get lonely sometimes tho
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mental breakdown in the tags incoming scroll past for your own well being
#so like im just WORRIED#cause like what if ive fully just convinced myself i think he's attractive but I actually dont think he is and I'm just jerking him around#and actinf like i think hes cute cause hes the first guy im not even joking basically ever since the ripe old age of 9 except for cameron#idgaf about his privacy he can fuck off but anyway he is like the first guy other than tiny little awkward 9 year olds to show me any form#of attention. and what if im craving it so bad im just convincing myself that i like him? like am i doing that? cause never in my life have#i gotten like those fucking butterflies or whatever around guys cause ive never been around them much so ive always felt so awkward around#them and just ignored them. like i even have a hard time talking to my male coworkers and looking them in the eye. and i just make up these#scenarios where every single male coworker that ever showed me any form of attention is actually secretly going to fall in love with me and#its like FUCK is that just all I'm doing? pretending? on both ends? but then i have to tell myself that my anxiety is more often than not#full of shit. but like ive craved attention all my life and what if im juat latching on to the first guy that gives that to me? i don't#wanna be that asshole. im just scared. how does everyone just date people? i thought for a while i may be ace in some way#but im also just wondering if i repressed myself that fucking much from literally age 6 that it did that much damage to me? cause ive always#been weird about myself and my body and things like that and i vividly remember wearing a tank top at age 6 in school and being freaked out#the whole day that i would get dress coded. i need to unpack this in therapy hardcore. cause i was also sa-ed when i was younger but i can't#exactly remember how old i was.#but i just think ive always repressed myself and pushed all of that down to the point that i dont know what it feels like? cause i watch#movies and read books and listen to music qnd im like hmm thats never happened to me something must be Wrong With Me.#thanks for coming to my ted talk#im so fucking nauseous#is that butterflies lmao#🎸
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libraford · 3 months
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Today I was helping run the booth for the local queer non-profit at the farmer's market and a woman told me that she would like a flag, pointing to our little bucket of flags. So I picked up the bucket and I brought it over and asked her which one she'd like.
"Well, tell me about them!"
"Oh! Okay! This one is the inclusion flag- its for everyone, including allies."
"What's this one?"
"That's the bisexual flag: it represents people who are attracted to two or more genders."
"Hmm... what about this one?"
"That's the nonbinary flag: it represents people whose gender isn't strictly 'male or female.'"
"Hmm... what's this purple one?"
"That's the asexual flag: it represents people who may not feel sexual attraction the way that others do."
She put her hand to her chest and got this really curious look on her face. "Tell me more about that!"
"Oh, happy to! So like if you're out with your bestie and someone real fine walks by and she's like 'omg look at him' and you're like 'girl get a grip?' Or like you just don't get what the 'big deal' is about sex or why everyone is so weird about it? But there's also room for like- you don't fall in love with the way someone looks, you're attracted to the person- their sense of humor and their kindness, or there's something about their personality that just makes it click for you? That's asexuality, too!"
And she got real quiet and seemed to think about it for a minute. So I grabbed our little informational sheet about different queer identities and handed her a copy. "If you want to do some research, this is probably a great place to start."
She thanked me and took an ace flag, stuck it in her hair.
Sometimes when you're online all the time, its easy to think that 'everyone knows about (topic), there's no reason to keep talking about it so much.' But while the people on the internet are real people, the internet ISN'T real life. And there are lots of people who do need to know that they do have community!
One of the jokes is that I'm a lot of people's 'patient zero' for discovering that they're queer. This is why.
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beatbawksradio · 1 month
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slán
#i think im done actually. i think im gonna throw in the towel#i dont think this is working out for me#i think the world of the online public is just too hostile. too violent. too uncaring#i dont belong here. i wasn't built for this world. its not ready for someone like me and I'm not ready for it#the internet is a world where human interaction is filtered through words on a screen. what kind of interaction is that#you cant see how you affect people. you don't know what people are going through. you can only judge by the words they let you see#that's not how humans were meant to exist. we're meant to see each other. care for each other. feel each others suffering and support#but that doesnt happen here. this world is designed for those who thrive behind a mask. those not afraid to hurt others who take theirs off#and anytime someone does take off the mask. the reaction is to twist anything they say or do into how theyre actually bad#everytime i post in public i worry about that. how is this going to be purposefully misinterpreted. how is this going to be used against me#how are the people who hate me going to use this to further make even more people who don't know me hate me#and that's not healthy!! that's paranoia!! mental illness!! im putting the symptoms of my abuse on display and it only hurts me more#no one cares about caring though. its all about how this person just wants more attention than everyone else. they just wanna be special#i can tell people i don't wanna see g*ns and theyll act like im a baby for it. i tell them ive had my life threatened & they think I'm lying#bc that's what you do on the internet. you don't trust people. you don't validate them. you abandon them when they're opening up#bc all you see is a screen and not how the person is actually reacting in real life to these things. its just words#and if anyone comes along trying to just be a nice person. then its either “they must not actually be nice and I'm gonna expose them”#or they just get abused by the people not afraid to abuse nice people. its all the same. there's always another war. peace doesn't exist#violent people arent afraid to be violent. they're not afraid to hurt someone getting in their way. peaceful people dont stand a chance#the only way to survive the game is to not play the game. find a pocket somewhere and stop existing to the world.#thats the only way to make everyone happy when everyone hates you. there is no redemption. this is the land of careless wolves#and I'm just a rabbit telling the wolves to stop being wolves. of course ill be killed. that's what happens to rabbits#so i hope all the people still reading this who used me as entertainment or as a stepping stone for their own manipulation are happy#ill be gone. i won't be here anymore. i won't be something that you ever need to think about anymore. you can go ahead and celebrate#tell everyone you've won. the evil is defeated. you killed the person who you and everyone else hated so much. go ahead and be a hero#ill be dead to this world. and that's okay. bc ill be living a much better life in the real world#ive had my time in the spotlight. now it's over. now it's time for a different chapter. yall can go ahead and enjoy your spotlight#go ahead and keep proving to everyone how good and nice you are by screaming at everyone who opposes you and destroying their lives#im sure you'll be proud of the legacy you leave behind. im sure you'll be proud of how much peace your violence brought into the world#im happy with the people i love. and ill continue to find my happiness away from this deplorable hostile world. ill be floukru
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