#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly

[piplupod]

feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.

[reluctantlyanimating]

BOOK ELEVEN BOOK ELEVEN AAA

BIG SPILLERS FOR BOOK ELEVEN

OK I WARNED YOU

AAAA

I had two things for book eleven but like cmon

Had to share this one, and i can use the other one tomorrow since i don't have anything epic for it otherwise sob

I drew this when i thought his hair was black for some reason bc despite my 800 rereads idk i just

Nothing clicked.

Then for a while after that i thought he was blonde bc blonde moustache and i kinda like that idea but then the wiki says he's also a redhead so like

Yeah, ANYWAY

How to Betray a Dragons Hero is my favourite one of the books i think 🫶🫶 from start to finish it's just such a masterpiece of an emotional rollercoaster. The moment it starts we see even more the devastation Furious and Alvin's war has wreaked, the dragons having caused forests and cities and islands to be reduced to ash in their rage and the Alvinsmen having driven these dragons further into their rage by killing them and stoking their anger every single day.

And then there's Hiccup and i just

The poor boy ok

I look back at how young he was through the series and find having started as younger than he ever was and now being older than we ever get to see him (excluding the epilogue) it feels like I've grown up with him.

And with Fishlegs.

I may resonate with this book most bc we all have an idea of what it is to be othered by society. The loneliness Hiccup and Fishlegs face, the isolation Camicazi faces for truly her first time now standing with these two boys, and the hope for better resonates deep in me.

I love how Cressida, in all her novels, seem to center around this quote of hers from wizards of once.

"We have to trust in the children and hope for the best."

She puts so much emphasis on the childlike hope, the lack of cynicism and the reality that change IS possible if you're willing to chase it. And even if you don't see it come to fruition, it's a matter of two steps forward and one step back.

Hiccup makes it to tomorrow (literally lives another day) because of Snotlout realizing that no matter what, you can start to fight for the better. The war ended because of Snotlout's act of selfless bravery even though he never saw the end of it.

I think another reason these themes resonate with me is it also aligns with some biblical aspects. How Jesus said that children would inherit the kingdom of God, and how childlike faith is necessary.

These are definitely thoughts i wanted to tack onto book/day twelve but oh well, here we are.

I really love these books and hopefully have some musings left for book 12 tomorrow. Happy Doomsday!!

[jwirecs]

Recommended BTS Fics of November 💖

hello, hello! here are my bts recs of november! hopefully these beautiful stories get more recognition as well as the writers 💝

** anything in parentheses and bolded are my thoughts that can be disregarded if needed **

🔞smut || 💔angst || 💕fluff || ✅completed || 🔄ongoing || 💯favorite

10 Hours || @angelikook​​💕✅

↳ When your three best friends want to stay at school overnight, you can’t say no. After all, nothing will go wrong, right? Well, everything goes wrong, actually, but in ways you never imagine.

Fall Back In Love || @bukguhope​​ 🔞💕💔✅

↳ jungkook somehow grew a reputation of sleeping around on campus, leaving him lonely and inexperienced with relationships. so when you, his old childhood best friend moves onto campus, he discovers what a relationship can feel like as he finds himself falling in love with you

Matilda || @babystrcandy​🔞💕💔✅💯💯

↳ Loneliness had always been a constant for you, haunting you like a ghost; until your older brother’s best friend, Min Yoongi, came into your life. You both promised each other something back then - you’d always have his support and he’d always have yours. But with time and age, you weren’t sure how much that all still stood to be true.

The Lucky One || @babystrcandy​​🔞💕💔🔄

↳ Growing up you only had one goal: beat Jeon Jungkook. Sometimes you’d win, other times you’d lose. Sometimes he’d lose, other times he’d win. But you’d both walk away from the match thinking the other was the lucky one.

Vows || @hamsterclaw​​🔞💕💔🔄 (not too sure if it ended at part 2, but just incase its still ongoing)

↳ You've been in your arranged marriage with Yoongi for five years, and he's never once retaliated for anything you've done to him. One day you realise you've lost your appetite for provoking him, and you set about trying to win his heart instead.

Already Mine || @i-am-baechu​​🔞💕💔🔄💯

↳ “I do.” Two simple words that changed her whole world. The man that gave her love that she never had before and a child that looked just like him with her eyes, a story for the ages. It wasn’t until the mornings changed and the warmth he once had turned cold. Nothing made sense but at the same time everything did. All she wanted was him but maybe that's not what he wants...

Rope Bunny (Helping Hands Halloween Special) || @euphoricfilter​​​​​​🔞💕✅💯

↳ Yoongi had never been too fond of Halloween. Hated that one tacky day of the year with every fibre of his being. All it takes however, is your little surprise to convince him that maybe, just maybe, Halloween isn't all that bad.

On Camera || @agustdiv1ne​​​​​ 🔞💕✅💯

↳ jeon jungkook, also known as kookiemonster97, was a youtuber and, more importantly, your boyfriend. your sex life was great, amazing really, but what happens when he asks if he can film you two one day? he did have the equipment, after all.

90 Days || @ttaehyungtrashh​​​​​💕💔🔄💯

↳ All you want is for your new cat hybrid friend, his unwilling older wolf hybrid brother and his other 5 brothers to keep safe and warm during the winter.

About Love || @mochiimac​🔞💕💔🔄

↳ Becoming a best selling thriller author? Part of the plan. Living in the city and isolating yourself from everyone? Part of the plan. Inheriting your late uncles home in the woods, his sassy assistant and fortune after he died mysteriously? Not part of the plan. Oh, and he failed to mention the 7 ‘surprises’ he left you as well.  And come to think of it… was his death an accident? Or is your imagination going wild again?

Daddy’s Money Makes The World Go Round || @underthe-northernlight​​​🔞💕💔🔄

↳ The daughter of a filthy rich businessman is gifted hybrids by her father. But if only he knew that would lead to her gaining the confidence she will need to break free from what he deems the right place for her. Follow her as she learns to navigate the worlds and stay alive.

Pet Food || @moonlightkoo​​​​​💕💔🔄💯

↳ Taehyung never wanted to own hybrids. Jungkook just wanted to be independent. You didn't want anything. But somehow you all ended up together, and nothing better could've ever happened.

Purrfection || @moonlightkoo​​​​💕💔🔄💯

↳ Bangtan-Mansion’s security camera footage shows something very interesting.

Things That Matter More || @leewriting​​🔞💕💔✅

↳ At first, getting a new roommate after your friend had moved out appalled you. Just thinking about sharing your space with a stranger put you on edge, but as the weeks went by and the rent went up you had no other choice but to post that stupid ad. In many ways living with Jungkook is perfect for an introverted med student like yourself. He pays rent on time and is seldom home leaving the apartment quiet and clean. On the other hand, there is the small problem of him stumbling in at three in the morning, hurt and letting blood stain your new carpet.

Chronicles of My Witchy GF || @yoonieper​​🔞💕✅

↳ Just Jungkook and a few cute tales about his witchy girlfriend~

Claret Cravings | Skin Of The Mother, Mouths Of The Babes || @vvh0adie​​💕✅

↳ Emotions run high when you tell your lil’ vampire bats that they won’t be drinking cow’s blood this week. It stresses you out, and they unfortunately feel the brunt of it.

Forever || @oddinary4bts​​🔞💕💔✅

↳ three years ago, your relationship with jin ended in fights and tears. When life puts him back on your path, you catch a glimpse of light in his eyes that you thought had died when you broke up. Will your relationship blossom into a well-deserved forever or will you lose the love of your life again?

Repeat Offense || @gimmethatagustd​​🔞💕💔✅

↳ The are only two constants in life: the promise of death and the infuriating existence of the man who ruined your life. Will your immortal punishments keep you in an infinite loop, or will you one day be able to rid the world of the evil that is Kim Seokjin?

Resurrection || @bonny-kookoo​​​💕💔🔄

↳ In which you’re saved by the very thing that’s been trying to kill you.

Sunrises & Liquor || @aamalaaa​​🔞💕💔🔄

↳ after a failed academic pursuit and a few meaningless and disappointing relationships, you decided to go back to what you never thought you would: the bar industry. There you find a family, friends, heartache, misunderstandings and one particular barman who just won’t get out of your head.

Three Tangerines || @kithtaehyung​​🔞💕💔🔄 

↳ “when yoongi told you he would be there if you needed anything, this isn’t what he had in mind”

Til Death Do Us Part || @justimajin​​​🔞💕💔✅

↳ If someone told you that you’d be marrying the Kim Namjoon, you would think you were being lied to, or worse, that you were hallucinating. However, fate seems to have it’s own ways of making the impossible possible and before you even know it, the title of Mrs. Kim is bestowed onto you. There’s just one problem: you’re not sure if Kim Namjoon is the person he says he is and the truth of your own identity is dangling by the strength of a mere thread.

Turn Back Time || @raplinesmoon​​🔞💕💔✅

↳ After total humiliation at his middle school baseball try outs, Kim Seokjin wants nothing more than for his awkward years to fade away until he’s thirty. Cue a magic baseball glove, and his wish is finally granted. Seokjin suddenly wakes up seventeen years later, now the star pitcher of the team he’d always dreamed of playing for. Confused and overwhelmed at the prospect of the new life waiting for him, he turns to the only person who seems to understand him — you. Will Seokjin learn what it truly means to be thirty, flirty, and thriving? Or will he find himself wishing he could turn back time?

The Art Critic || @mooniyooni​​💕✅

↳ (just yoongi being a dad)

Midnight’s Minuet || @bangtansmauyeondan​​ 🔞💕💔✅💯💯

↳ While gallivanting around the world pursuing his love for music and architecture, Yoongi was forced to come back home when Seokjin, his older brother, asked him for help to run the family business. Having been born with a silver spoon, Yoongi longed for a bit of normalcy and independence; hence, agreeing with Seokjin’s request didn’t come without any of his own conditions— first, he’s going to oversee the hotel’s kitchen; second, he’s gonna let him live a normal life— no luxury cars, no high-rise building apartment, no special treatment. Yoongi was pleased that everything seemed to be going well with his return… until he met you, the roadblock to everything his brother has agreed to.

Camboy!Tae Mini Series || @hisunshiine​​​🔞💕💔🔄

↳ (tae being a wonerful camboy. thats it, we love that.)

Compromise || @here2bbtstrash​​🔞💕✅

↳ you're torn between the two loves of your life - but maybe you don't have to choose.

Red Riding Hood (Petrichor Drabble) || @purpleyoonn​​💔✅

↳ It was Halloween in Seoul and you were talking about your home traditions compared to South Korea’s with Haneul and Kingpin when you were interrupted. Now, your mates tried to tease you, but you were the one doing the teasing.

Do check out all of the other BTS Fics that i have reblogged as well!!

** if there is any fics that you guys would like to recommend, please do! i am slowly running out of fics to read **

[utilitycaster]

The wildest part about the reaction to Ashton’s comment is that Laudna herself didn’t even seem to take it personally? Her reaction to it seemed more like “ok that’s not true and I’m going to push back on it, but you’re clearly having a self destructive dark night of the soul and I want to make sure you’re okay”. Like give our girl a little more credit here.

Hey anon,

Hope you don't mind but you are getting a heavily edited and more measured part of the threatened rant because like. Yeah. That's the thing isn't it? Laudna is the one who sought out Ashton while they were drinking. And when he slips into self-pity, she tells him to snap out of it, but she's not mad. I happen to agree with this meta that Ashton isn't saying "I know loneliness and you don't"; they're saying "I know the very specific loneliness of not knowing where I came from". (I also think there's a possibility that they're saying "I know the loneliness that comes from knowing the people who weren't there when you came back to life could have been and chose not to"; it's not that Laudna didn't wake up alone the first time, it's that she was alone because everyone else was dead whereas the Nobodies could have chosen to stick by them and did not.) And then, the next day, he apologizes (something Imogen does not do), and she tells him not to be too hard on himself.

Laudna clearly looks on this conversation positively. She even brings it up when she talks with Imogen in that manner - she doesn't say "wow can you believe what that asshole said?" but rather focuses on Ashton's compliment to her. I mean, it's nothing new, for people to carefully ignore any context that might more sympathetically frame a character they hate, or to defend how perfect and traumatized their Mary Sue-ass interpretation of a female character is in such a way that it denies the actual agency and emotions of that character as portrayed on screen, but it's just as stupid every time, as is the constant insistence that the best way to have a ship is to isolate two characters such that they only have each other, that they're the only ones who can ever truly understand each other.

You know, I've seen people draw parallels between Laudna telling Imogen the choice is up to her regarding how they proceed tomorrow, and Imogen telling Laudna that the choice was up to her during her resurrection. And here's the thing: Imogen's appeal to Laudna during the resurrection failed. The goal of bringing Laudna back succeeded, but Imogen's specific attempt was a minor hindrance, not a help.

I can't help but wonder if Laudna leaving things to Imogen might end up the same; that they keep going on, together, but these hairline fractures keep building up and never healing, and perhaps one day there will be too many.

Shippers keep saying this is so beautiful because it's about giving each other choices when they've never had any, but that's patently untrue. Laudna had no choice in Delilah, but really, given how normal people even in small towns like Heartmoor Hamlet have been towards her, or the fact that she's not significantly weirder than Weva Vudol, or the fact that every shopkeeper in Exandria is, canonically, fucking bananas, there's a lot she could have done in those 30 years. I mean, she somehow made it to Gelvaan which is not exactly something you fall into from Tal'Dorei without making some kind of decision. Imogen had no choice in her powers but otherwise she's had no shortage of choices. In fact, that's quite literally what Laudna is saying: Imogen always had the option of going to live in a cottage and raise horses. Imogen has always had choices, and doesn't need to kill the gods to free herself.

For that matter, could you not draw a similar parallel between Laudna's transformation at the hands of Delilah without her choosing, and Ashton, who was part of a ritual as a young child below any reasonable age of consent that permanently changed them physically? Or FCG, who was quite literally programmed to be who they are? If you take off the shipper goggles and actually remember that there are five other characters, suddenly these parallels become far more widespread.

But also: here's the thing about leaving all the choices up to the other person. It protects you from the possibility that they might say no to you. It reframes things: had Laudna not been successfully resurrected, she's not saying no to Imogen; she's making her own choice, even though the result is the same. If Imogen goes with Otohan now, well, then Laudna can tell herself that it was Imogen's choice to side with the woman who murdered her, but at least she has the thin comfort that Imogen didn't exactly say "no" to a direct appeal; that it's merely an implied rather than explicit betrayal.

It's just...I know this campaign is a little weird in that this massive world-ending event is happening comparatively early; but also, Imogen and Laudna have known each other for two years. And obviously Imogen isn't Vex, she isn't Vax, she isn't Fjord, she isn't Beau or Yasha, but like, you know what all of those people did when they were facing a dangerous situation and thought death was imminent? They, through word or action, looked at the person they loved and didn't just say "I love you", they said "I'm in love with you", "can I kiss you," or opened the door naked. They said "I might die tomorrow and I cannot go forward without telling you that this is something more than just friendship to me," knowing that it was possible that, on the last night of their life, the person they loved might turn them down. Hell, Keyleth did initially turn Vax down, and he still did it.

Imogen and Laudna? They spent the night the same way they might have at the very beginning of the campaign - before the campaign, even. Laudna said she loved Imogen in what, episode 6? They've been sharing rooms and beds for two years. Nothing has changed in their relationship. And it is my suspicion that nothing will, until one of them actually asks something of the other. And again - that's all it will take for me to go from "this is boring and empty" to "ok, this is a ship" - for them to be able to take a risk.

I could quite honestly go on but like...this reply, which I got shortly after Laudna's death (when I said there was value in a story in which she remains dead) has haunted me since.

It really explains everything, doesn't it? It's why people were mad when I said it was valid for Imogen to be upset at Laudna about the gnarlrock; it's why they were mad that I said that there was no canonical basis for the people of Gelvaan or Relvin mistreating Imogen (in fact, it outright contradicts what we've seen in canon); it's why they hate Ashton right now. It's why if Imogen is interested in the gnarlrock as a way to find relief from her powers and gets mad at Laudna for breaking it, she sucks, but if Imogen considers starting the apocalypse to find relief from her powers it's totally fine. It's why they'll harass people for saying "you know, it could be an interesting story if Laudna dies permanently," and then turn around and offer more sympathy to Otohan - the character who would have been responsible for that permanent death - than they do to Orym, the character who has lost two family members and nearly his own life to her. Because Otohan might have murdered Laudna, but damn, at least she seems to ship it.

They don't see Imogen and Laudna as separate characters who can grow and change - they don't even refer to Laudna as her own fucking name, just as part of a portmanteau - and they are terrified whenever the two have even the slightest conflict (not unlike Imogen and Laudna themselves) because it means that the characters interact with people other than each other. Laudna dying permanently isn't a character death to them - it's "throwing [the ship] away." Laudna having other conversations and relationships is a threat to the ship, even if Laudna enjoys it - in fact, especially if Laudna enjoys it. Other people coming into Imogen's dreams with the express purpose of helping her is a threat. Because if either of the characters ever realize that this codependency isn't serving them, and that they have other people who will stand by them and won't leave them to their loneliness...well. The constant reassurances that they have each other might no longer be enough if they have other people.

That's why the shippers are mad at Ashton. Yes, because it's a possible competing ship; but also because they pointed out that Laudna had six people by her when she woke up, not just one, and that opens the door to Laudna realizing she has other people who will stand by her, and who aren't openly and repeatedly entertaining an alliance with her murderer. They do not actually give a shit about how Laudna feels.

[firequeenkitty]

I really really really love and appreciate Chainsaw Man. Not just because the story is great, the art is top tier, and it can go from hilarious to thrilling at the drop of a hat and not come off as silly or insincere but because of the feelings put behind every character and their arc.

The way it sometimes puts feelings into words that I can't seem to find myself. Especially as someone that went through a lot of trauma growing up and has had a lot of struggles with anxiety and depression due to it.

Sometimes I found myself reading manga and watching anime and feeling a bit empty inside. I'd look at Sailor Moon, Bleach, Cardcaptor Sakura, Hero Academia and think damn I don't just want to be nobody doing nothing with my life. I want to be someone. I want to make a difference. And I know that these shows have made differences in other people's lives but they just wound up making me feel worse and worse about myself. Because I was doing nothing. I wasn't following any dreams. I wasn't pushing myself.

Then I discovered Chainsaw Man. I started it sometime last year and wound up finishing part 1 in three days. At first it felt really good and light. "Haha Denji doesn't have any lofty aspirations. My man just wants to touch some titties". But it became so much more than that. And even now into part 2 it continues to do so for me.

His dreams never really changed from chapter 1. At the core he really just wants to live a happy peaceful life. He wants someone to love him. He wants to eat good food. And that was refreshing for me to see. He wasn't some normal dude that was thrust into the extraordinary. He was a kid who suffered and wanted to just be happy.

It's okay to just want to be happy. To want to live a calm peaceful life with your pets, your found family, whoever.

Then to be honest part 2 hit me even harder. I look at Asa and see myself. I've always felt isolated due to my suffering. Sometimes my rigidity makes it hard for me to get along with others. There's so many times she's said and thought things that really reflected feelings of isolation, sadness, loneliness, and especially the fear of being alone while having the contradictory fear of opening yourself to others.

I really hope for a happy ending between her and Denji whether romantically or platonically. And it's not about needing someone else to save you. It's about having the support to see light and hope beyond the crappy circumstances of life. Even if it's just cats, dogs, ice cream, or sex.

[shifuto]

felt like writing an actual post after getting through the entirety of Sadistic Beauty + the 2 epilogues in one sitting.. and this is going to look pretty rough because I've been awake for 2 days lmao

(this will be mainly about the Side B story)

the whole series basically revolves around Byun Minho. He's a piece of shit. He's insecure and immature as fuck, he has an inferiority complex and won't measure his words when putting others down so that he can feel better about himself (spoiler alert: it doesn't make him feel better). Every single person in his life dislikes him or come to dislike him at some point. He is utterly alone, but he still brags and cusses, manipulates and lie so that he can get on top. Cool

the long story short of how everything came to be: he and Duna end up dating at some point (because she used to be insecure as hell and, naively, took his "critique" to heart - when he was just doing that out of jealousy since she [and literally everyone else] was a better writer than Minho), he shit talks her in front of others behind her back and that's it for their "love". Duna end up involved with Wookyung (who was eying her from the start and hated Minho's guts) and gets into BDSM thanks to him, yay \o/. Stuff happens and Duna ends up getting an award and, instead of feeling happy for her, Minho is sulking and crying like a baby because he lost. Wookyung sees that and flips the fuck out: that starts this 7 years long obsession of his

throughout the whole story Minho is an absolute piece of shit, who doesn't change, then it looks like he changed, but then it does it all over again. He's impulsive too and that's why he's broke, he keeps on wasting money he doesn't have, he's hoping to get a job if he keeps on buttering his boss up

enters Cha Wookyung, again. He's also a piece of shit. He's a batshit insane piece of shit. He knows Minho's strengths and weaknesses and just exactly how to strike his ego to get him. Without him knowing his involvement, he gets him to quit his job, traps him with promises of money and fame, isolate him from others and strikes. He rapes Minho once but Duna saves him. They get back together briefly, but Minho distances himself when Wookyung revealed he slept with her back when they fought. And this whole drama helped Duna to actually break free from both of them. She never felt loved and she knew she deserved better

at one point, Minho is completely screwed. He has nothing and no one to turn to, and he has no money so he would end up in the streets. Wookyung promised he would help as long as Minho reached out first, which he does

their descent into madness is steady then..

Wookyung thoroughly breaks Minho, physically and mentally. He pushes his "love" and affection as much as he could, through violence and money and more, but he couldn't have Minho's heart - at first because of Duna, but then he realizes that he never really stood a chance (Minho is straight) and he would not have him if not by force. Minho fall into a depression that drives him to attempt suicide, and Wookyung deals with feelings he couldn't understand, things that could not be quenched by power and money alone: how could he make Minho love him back, even though he thought Minho's feelings towards him didn't really matter as long as they were together?

both were deeply lonely, and there was some comfort knowing they had each other but this was not enough at all. Wookyung can't stand the thought of Minho dying (considering he had to see his body) and set him free

but it was already too late. They were already enmeshed irreversibly

there's no happy ending for them. And how they have "changed" happened in such way that would leave them in a codependent relationship with each other because they both feel isolated from their peers, and being together was better than loneliness, even if they were bad for each other

Minho doesn't love him back, but I can see Wookyung becoming someone even more important to him over time, even though he was coerced the whole time

it's likely they'll never experience this kind of twisted connection, devotion and obsession with anyone else but each other, it's likely they will never find that kind of unconditional "love" in other people, either. They can heal, for sure, but that would mean part with each other and I don't think they would want that after everything

this is a great example of two fucked up people so bad for each other but it's best that way so they don't get anyone else involved in their relationship or with themselves

...

I ran out of batteries but I really loved their characterization. Minho is a prideful arrogant dipshit who's turned into a submissive through violence and humiliation; Wookyung is a possessive sadist who people-pleases and pushes his affection forcefully onto whoever he is obsessed with

it's interesting seeing their personalities changing as the story goes on.. a lively Minho eventually stops resisting or caring, falls into addiction, eventually tries to kill himself; a confident Wookyung becomes more and more insecure and unstable, throwing his own career away, much like what he's done with Minho

and another surprising aspect is how, as the story progresses and their feelings get more complicated, the S&M aspect fades away - understandably so, considering a lot of the BDSM in this story is not truly a kink but a tool used for control, coercion and violence. With less need for control, submission and dominance are not as necessary or visible anymore

[musedriven]

@dnangelic said // ' towa! ' his mother and father are out, and his grandpa is resting in the mansion someplace. it's only the niwa and the guide to eternity that he hurries towards, then hesitates before, then decides to embrace anyways. here, in the house where he didn't have to keep any secrets, he could hug and hold someone for as long as he wanted or needed, or at least for as long as they would allow it, and he says nothing either as he squeezes, even as it makes him transform. ' i'm sorry, ' his flush only comes afterwards, soft and summery across dark's usually colorless cheeks. his whispers too lull in a soft, bashful fluster, black wings reaching out, stretching free behind him. ' i know it was a little sudden, but i just wanted ... i was starting to feel a little --- ' he tries, then gives up the endeavor of explanation. loneliness did not seem palatable at a moment like this, so he gathers himself up and tries again, this time smiling, soft and bright with comfort and sincerity. ' i'm happy you're here, towa-chan. i'm really happy. that's what i wanted to say. '

she looks up from her dusting when he approaches; a question upon her tongue as to why he called out for her but the answer is made clear before she can even form the sentence. a hug. something so simple and trivial yet so powerful. a hug needs no words to accompany it to convey so many different things. a promise, a declaration, a show of vulnerability, a question that could not be asked yet still begging for an answer. a cry of loneliness and a cheer of love. and if she is being honest to herself; she needed it just as much as he seemed to. it was isolating being atop her tower for so long always looking in on yet never truly being apart of every adventure and life that passed around her.

so when he grows in her returned embrace she simply smiles wider; holding just as tightly even as she adjusts her position to better accommodate the change. the apology promptly swept away with a flutter of her duster near his face. he does not need to explain. not to her. neither of them do, really. because in her own way; she knows. and she will never ask him to be anything more than what he is. a person who longs for belonging just as everyone else. " oooh! you're going to make me transform too if you keep being so sweet! " she teases, stepping up onto her tip toes to place a kiss upon his temple. she loves him too. " i'm glad too... I was so happy when you found me; and being here, getting to know you, getting to be known... it's the greatest gift I could have ever hoped for. I will always be here for you, whenever you need me. and for whatever you need me for, guide, maid, or friend... "

[patheticlittlemen]

WORK WIFE

[Edward Nashton x male reader]

Chapter 1- Do You Ever Get Scared?

Drinks with coworkers won’t change your life. Right?

Words: 1880

Warnings: None

A/N: Reader is FTM and autistic (not huge plot points but may be mentioned in minor ways)

Being a receptionist wasn’t really the plan for your future. Honestly, you’ve had stars in your eyes since you were a child and finally getting out of Gotham made you believe you could maybe, just maybe, leave a mark on the world. But eventually, it all came crashing down, and look where you are now. Working a receptionist job at a forensic accounting company in Gotham.

You hate this city. Getting out and going to college was supposed to be your salvation, but if there is a God, he is a vengeful one. So here you are, working at a company you couldn’t give less of a shit about. You lost all your friends when you moved out of Gotham, so when you came back all you had was your mom. The most exciting Friday night plan was binging TV and eating takeout.

Today was no different from any other. It’s Friday, so of course you’re excited for the weekend but are also dreading the terrible loneliness that came with it. Lost in your own thoughts and mulling over shows to watch tonight, you spot movement in the corner of your eye.

You look up and jump at the sudden appearance, relaxing when you see that it’s Edward Nashton. He’s an accountant in the office and probably the closest thing you have to a friend. You only see him at work but enjoy every conversation. Edward smiles at your surprised expression.

“Hey. I brought you some coffee.” He says, placing a paper cup on your desk. “Cream and sugar just how you like.”

You smile thankfully at him and take a sip.

When you first met Edward, he was shy and tensed up any time you talked to him. After working together for a few months, he finally loosened up and became more friendly. You’re glad he did because if he had kept his distance you probably would have had a psychotic break due to isolation. You will admit you’ve grown a crush on him, but you’re too afraid of rejection to make a move.

“I hope you know when I get rich and famous, I’m gonna pay you back for all the coffee you’ve made me.” You say jokingly.

“I’ll take it. What would you get famous for though?” Edward leans against your desk.

“Hmm.. probably for being the best receptionist in the world.” You say overdramatically as Edward lets out a chuckle.

“You’re definitely the best at this company.”

“Well, I’m flattered.”

The sound of the door opening catches both of you off guard as someone enters the building. You shoot an apologetic glance at Edward, who smiles understandingly and walks off while you deal with the guest.

After sitting for hours and greeting maybe two more people, you get up to stretch and go to the bathroom. You smile at your coworkers who were talking in the break room and go to do your business. Once you exit though, someone in the break room stops you.

“Hey Y/N, we’re going out for drinks tonight and want everyone there. You interested?” says Benjamin, someone that you didn’t know well but was always cordial to you.

“Oh! Yeah, I’ll go,” you say, excited for the chance to be around people outside of work.

“Awesome. I’ll text you the details.” He said, smiling as you turn to walk away.

You begrudgingly walk back to your desk and prepare to waste more time. About half an hour passes when Edward comes back to your desk. You look up, once again surprised to see somebody.

“Oh, hey Edward. What’s up?” you say, looking back to the intense game of solitaire you were playing on your computer.

“Nothing really, I was just… wondering if you were going out tonight. To the thing. I mean, drinks with everyone.” he seems uncharacteristically nervous and stumbles over his words.

“Yeah, planning on it. You?” You glance up at him and his cheeks turn red. He mumbles something in response but clears his throat and speaks up.

“Yes, I’m going. I was just asking because I think we live in the same area. I thought we could carpool.”

“Oh, that’s right. That works for me, who do you want to drive?” you say, feeling eager that he wants to go with you.

“I can. I don’t drink much anyway.”

“Sounds good. Here, give me your number so I can text you my address.” You say, opening your contacts and passing him your phone.

Edward accidentally touches your hand while grabbing your phone and you could feel that it was sweaty. Luckily your hands don’t sweat much otherwise you’re sure he would feel the same thing from you. He hands your phone back with an awkward smile.

“Awesome. I’ll text you after work.”

“Cool. Uh, I guess I’d better get back to… what I was doing.” Edward says, nervously shuffling away, which makes you laugh a little.

Edward hasn’t been this timid since you met him, which confuses you a little, but you brush it off as him being nervous for tonight. Speaking of, your phone buzzes and you see a text from Benjamin.

Benjamin: We’re planning on meeting at Gotham Trade around 6:30 PM. Hope to see you there :)

The rest of the day drones by with you passing the time thinking about what you might wear while playing (and losing) games of solitaire. Finally, the clock hits 5 and you quickly gather all your stuff and practically run out the door. The promise of human interaction with anybody outside of work, let alone Edward, made you giddy.

After arriving home, you realize you haven’t texted him yet. You pull out your phone and open your contacts to Edward’s page, trying to ignore any nervousness you had about texting him while clicking the message button.

Y/N: Hey Edward, it’s Y/N. Just wanted to send my address and let you know I should be ready around 6 or so.

After sending the message and your address, you drop all your stuff and make a beeline for the shower. Admittedly, it had been a while since your last one. At the moment dry shampoo was your best friend.

After calming yourself down with a warm shower, you try to choose an outfit. Gotham Trade isn’t a very fancy place so you don’t want to wear anything super nice. Still, you want to look good so you spend a little extra time digging through your closet and eventually settle on a white button-down under a sweatshirt. Not too nice but a little more than casual. While grabbing a pair of jeans from your floor and checking to make sure they still smell clean, you hear your phone buzz.

Edward: Sounds good. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.

You feel butterflies in your stomach at the thought of Edward coming to pick you up. Pushing the intense feelings down, you continue to get ready. You decide to use a nice cologne that had been sitting on your dresser for a while. It was a gift from your mom for your last birthday and it made you happy that you finally had a reason to use it. You spray some on and grab your phone to check the time, seeing a message from Edward.

Edward: Heading out now.

You didn’t even realize how close to 6 it was and frantically put on a pair of shoes. Using the last few minutes to mess with your hair, you pray that it would stay neat as your phone buzzes again with a message from Edward letting you know he was here. You double-check to make sure you have everything you need as you leave your apartment, breathing deeply in an attempt to calm your racing heart.

It’s just Edward. It’s just a work get-together. It’s not that serious.

The chilly wind bites at your face when you step outside and you wish you had put on another layer before you left, but it’s too late for that now. Edward is parked next to the curb, anxiously looking around. You wave to him and his face relaxes a bit as you walk up to his car and open the door.

“Hey,” you say, settling in the passenger seat, “thanks for driving me.”

“Oh, it was no problem. It’s nice to see you outside of work, plus we live close so it made sense to me.” Edward says, pulling onto the road.

While Edward focuses on driving, you took this opportunity to get a good look at what he was wearing. He had on a button-up shirt like he did to work but had jeans and a dark green cardigan on as well. You notice that his hair looked a bit wet, he probably took a shower after work too. Suddenly you were pulled out of your observations as he glances over at you. Blood rushes to your cheeks as you look away.

“Keep your eyes on the road, Edward.” You mumble, trying to alleviate the embarrassment of being caught staring. He chuckles at your statement.

You stared out the window for a moment until gaining the courage to compliment him.

“I like your-”

“You look-”

Both of your sentences die out as you wait for the other to finish. When neither of you continues, you laugh and speak up.

“I just wanted to say I like your sweater. Green looks nice on you.” Edward smiles at that, letting out a sheepish “thanks”.

“Um, I think you look nice. You smell good too.” Edward’s brows furrow a bit at the last comment as if he didn’t mean to say it out loud.

“Thanks! It’s a cologne that was a gift from my mom and I’m glad to finally use it.” Normally when you got nervous you had a tendency to ramble but luckily you were able to stop yourself there. You feel kind of silly about how anxious you were. It was as if you were a middle schooler going on their first date. You struggle to come up with something to break the silence until Edward speaks up before you.

“Have you ever been to this bar before?”

“Once or twice, with my mom. I’m not a huge bar person.” You admit. Edward smiles, nodding.

“I’ve never been there. I just don’t get out much I guess.”

“Well, this is a great time to start. Maybe you’ll meet some pretty lady tonight. Or a man, you do you. I know I sure wouldn’t mind some company tonight.” You joke. Edward laughs nervously and glances at you.

“I doubt it.”

“Who wouldn’t want a piece of you? I know I’m holding back every time you come to my desk.” You say, regretting the sentence the minute it comes out of your mouth. It came out as a joke, as you had a tendency to jokingly flirt with your friends but you still hope any sincerity in the confession was hidden.

Edward doesn’t say anything for a second but his grip on the steering wheel tightens. He then lets out a chuckle, shaking his head as his car approaches the warmly lit building. You look out the window at the buildings and hope you’re able to make it through the night.

[kalevalakryze]

Inkblots

Pairings: Bo-Katan Kryze/The Armorer, Bo-Katan Kryze & Din Djarin, minor Din Djarin/Cobb Vanth/Boba Fett, Bo-Katan Kryze & Grogu, Din Djarin & Grogu Characters: Bo-Katan Kryze, The Armorer, Din Djarin, Grogu, Cobb Vanth, Boba Fett Warnings: s/h scar mention, scars, past violence, past abusive relationships, Pre Vizsla mention, Moff Gideon mention Notes:idk it’s the way I absolutely live for these tattoo au’s where The Armorer fixes Bo’s Death Watch Tattoos and turns the designs into something beautiful, also, kind of based around my own tattoo situation? Very loosely Summary: “Have you ever thought about getting that tattoo covered?” Din questioned as they sat on the dock, her boots just brushing the surface of the lake. “I used to think about it,” Her eyes trailed down to the inky scar tissue across her forearm, the shriek hawk that had been shoved into her skin as a teenager, ink bleeding out to practically give the long white and purple scars a dark backdrop as they wrapped around her arm. “Too much work, I guess. And it’s part of who I am.” “If you’re ashamed of it, why carry around the guilt?” “I’ve done a lot of things, Din Djarin. Sometimes it’s the reminders of who I was, and who I am, that help me get up in the morning,” He seemed to ponder this a minute, as he tossed a crumb from his sandwich into the water, a fish breaching the surface to swallow it. “What if you have it turned into something new?” He suggested as he brought his boot to scrape the rotting edge of the dock. “I guess I haven’t met the right artist in a long time, it would be hard.” Pre was the only one she’d let touch her skin with the tattoo gun, she’d avoided all kinds of artists who’d talked about fixing the work or blown out ink for years. That kind of trust was hard to come by these days, especially for her. “If you ever change your mind, my mom’s good,” “Yeah? Maybe I’ll check her out,” AO3 Link: Here!

Loneliness was not a new concept for Bo-Katan Kryze, it was just another long line in the list of consequences for the actions of her youth. Except, through the darkness, there had been a light. Din Djarin, a younger man, a good dad, and a pillar of support that Bo had wanted nothing more than to leave her alone. Still, every day she spent in her isolation, he would visit, he would even bring his young son, Grogu, and as much as she didn’t want to admit it, she loved the kid, and he had been absolutely obsessed with her.

Each day, the clan of two would show up at her door and take her with them on some wild adventure. The amusement park had been genuinely fun, and she’d gotten a lot of pictures, and when they’d left that night, she couldn’t deny that going through them had brought a smile to her face.

When Din had introduced his partners, she’d been a little more on edge. She hadn’t exactly been the best to the Fett kid, but even with their rocky past, he still saw past it, had been polite, and had welcomed her into their game night. How Cobb managed to turn Dungeons and Dragons into a cowboy themed role-play game was lost on her, but it had been fun nonetheless.

It was just Din that day, when he’d showed up and asked her to go to the lake with him. He’d seemed contemplative, far in his own head, and she’d felt that herself, hadn’t wanted him to lean into the isolation like she had, so they’d went on their way.

The docks were old, the city abandoning the property it was on when they figured the wastewater drained into the body of water anyways. It hardly counted as a real lake anyways, and they hadn’t been able to stop the dumping, so it had been left alone and marked an overflow reservoir. No one really ventured out that way due to the decomposing conditions, which made it a perfect place for the two Mandalorians, who found a stable piece of the dock to settle on.

Din hung his backpack on a rusty nail sticking from one of the wooden posts, which seemed in much better condition than the rest dock. “How’s Grogu?” Bo questioned as she dropped herself onto a seemingly dry plank that didn’t try to cave in with her weight pressing in on it.

“He’s doing good!” The younger Mandalorian always brightened up when he got to talk about his family, it was a good look on him, seeing him happy, especially with what she’d told him about his recent troubles with his adoptive family. “Cobb and Boba took him to the farm for a few days while things got sorted out,” His brightness slipped, arms crossing his chest as he looked out across the small lake, still standing, he let his boot kick a small rock on the dock.

The dock creaked as the rock tumbled, though he didn’t seem to notice. “I love them, I do, My mom, and Paz… It just doesn’t feel fair, that I try to do something right for Grogu, and-“ He never got to continue, when his weight shifted next, the rotting boards under his feet splintered and broke, and he was being swallowed by the dark, murky abyss of nasty lake water.

Before she could even fully process what had happened, Bo-Katan was already shoving herself off the dock, headfirst into the water that Din was thrashing for purchase in. The water was too dark to see in, and when she tried to open her eyes, the chemical waste stung. She had to focus on the movement of his thrashing to find him, and when his fist met her arm, she was able to grab a hold and start shoving him to the surface.

He hadn’t made it easy for her however, thrashing the entire way, inexperience in the water evident as he kicked his feet with no direction. They breached the surface and he managed to just barely keep himself afloat long enough for her to give a hard shove to his back. “Grab the dock!” She sputtered, directing him to the intact wood she’d been perched on moments before.

Swimming around him, Bo grabbed a hold of the old wood, hauling herself up and swinging her leg over until she could set her knees into damp wood, grab a hold of his forearms, and yank him up and over as well.

The lake went still, both of their ragged breaths filling the late afternoon air as they sprawled across the dock, absolutely drenched and dripping excess through the slats in the planks, back into the water. “I’m gonna smell like sulfur for weeks,” The damp redhead complained after minutes passed, her nose crinkling at the scent that wafted to her nose.

Every gust of wind had her shivering, despite the heat, so the redhead yanked her sopping wet shirt over her head. She trusted Din enough, at this point anyways. He was doing the same with his own shirt, trying to drape it over any available dry spot so the beating sun could work at least some magic on the clothing.

She had never told Din too much about her past with The Death Watch, had mentioned her involvement in passing, but he’d never seen the tattoos, or really, any of the ink or scar tissue that adorned her body. Neat lines of old scars decorated the insides of her forearms, making stripes in the different art that wrapped around her skin, the ink had never held up for very long, always bleeding out of the textured skin after a few years. Pre had offered to touch up her first piece, once, but then he’d died, and all thought of letting anyone near her with a tattoo gun went out the window.

She had the black shriekhawk inside her left arm with a patchwork of Nite owls and her family’s crest scattered across pale skin all the way to her shoulder, with blacked out tribal bands and thick geometric designs along her right. The paleness of her skin showcased light freckles across her shoulders and back, blue, green, and purple veins just barely visible around her wrists and neck. Scars were smattered randomly across the canvas of her back and torso, fingernail imprints on the side of her throat, a scratch mark across her shoulder blade, a burn on her hip, and other smaller pieces that she only barely remembered the stories of. The Shirek hawk was torn by lines of neat scar tissue, when the goal had been to try and erase the visage. The ink bed out, but the design was still unmistakable where it remained.

She was a walking storybook of her tale, of why people like Din Djarin had been warned to stay far away. She’d only given him glimpses to who she truly was, had revealed parts of her story in slow increments, to try and scare him off, a warning to the true woman he was trying to befriend.

Like her, however, Din also wore his story on his sleeve. His shoulder was decorated with designs of a mud horn fossil, and while he also adorned the mark of the shriek hawk, it had seemed more evolved, reborn, like the Children of the Watch had been. They did not use the design often in their teachings, but with the beasts’ role in the tales, she had understood why they’d felt the need to reclaim it. A winding view of the Mythosaur of Old stretched across his back, tusks wrapping around his sides to tickle his ribs. There were designs that had floated on the backwater cities, back when Separatists marched the streets, spreading filth.

He never talked much about how he was brought into their culture, and she didn’t ask. Just like, as dark eyes followed the trail of ink and scar, the roadmap of her own story, he did not ask. The two settled in against the dock, while he dug through his thankfully dry backpack to toss her a wrapped up sandwich.

“Have you ever thought about getting that tattoo covered?” Din questioned as they sat on the dock, her feet just brushing the surface of the lake.

“I used to think about it,” her eyes trailed down to the inky scar tissue across her forearm, the shriek hawk that had been shoved into her skin as a teenager, ink bleeding out to practically give the long white and purple scars a dark backdrop as they wrapped around her arm. “Too much work, I guess. And it’s part of who I am.”

“If you’re ashamed of it, why carry around the guilt?”

“I’ve done a lot of things, Din Djarin. Sometimes it’s the reminders of who I was, and who I am, that help me get up in the morning,”

He seemed to ponder this a minute, as he tossed a crumb from his sandwich into the water, a fish breaching the surface to swallow it. “What if you have it turned into something new?” He suggested as he brought his boot to scrape the rotting edge of the dock.

“I guess I haven’t met the right artist yet, it would be hard.” Pre was the only one she’d let touch her skin with the tattoo gun, she’d avoided all kinds of artists who’d talked about fixing the work or blown out ink for years. That kind of trust was hard to come by these days, especially for her.

“If you ever change your mind, my mom’s good,”

“Yeah? Maybe I’ll check her out,”

They spent hours at the dock, that night. Both of their phones were good and ruined from the water, so he’d never heard his partner calling him. Neither of them had a single thought about going on their way, drying off in the sun as they passed stories of what they’d been taught about their people, putting similar stories together to see the other side.

Headlights flashed as someone pulled into the empty parking lot nearby. Soon, the babbling of a child and two sets of adult footsteps filled the clearing, until Di’s partners, and his son were visible.

“Patu!” Grogu warbled, before his small legs had him running towards the two Mandalorians. It was not Din that he ran to, but Bo-Katan, who, with minor hesitance, picked him up at his insistence.

“Hey bud, did I keep your dad too busy?” She questioned as she balanced the small child on her hip, who seemed very interested in following the path of the scar that chased up her shoulder.

“Patu,” He nodded his head, as his face tried to form something akin to seriousness, though a crooked smile took over, before the boy was breaking out in laughter.

Bo handed Grogu over to Din, before she moved to grab her now, thankfully, dry clothes and tug them on.

“Went for a dip?” Cobb questioned as he moved to greet his partner.

“A little bit,” Din replied with a soft laugh and a shake of his head, shifting Grogu in his arms. “Bo, do you need a ride back?” He questioned, jabbing his thumb towards the lot.

“No, I’m good, let your mom know I might swing by soon, though? The Forge, right?”

“That’s the place,” They bid their farewells with the promise to see each other soon on the horizon, with Bo-Katan’s thoughts churning a hailstorm in her mind around the winding ink across her body.

[winns-stuff]

LO VENT:

Okay yeah, for once it’s finally time for me to vent about LO. I know, you probably thought that it’s kinda what I’ve been doing but honestly all of those rants were just me lightly rambling, yeah I was a little annoyed but it was nothing to where I was actually hurt if that makes sense. But I’m really hurt about this, I know it’s going to be small and stuff but I’ve never been so heartbroken about something happening in LO ever since I discovered it so long ago. Like I feel like someone just reached into my chest and ripped out my heart, there’s nothing in the world right now at this moment that could really console me about this.

Okay, before I get too into my feelings and such I’ll tell you what’s going on since you’re probably confused. I would be too honestly, the opening was kinda much, but I just had to get my emotions out there first. As many of you know I’m very passionate about this webtoon because as I said before I found it when I was younger, it was at a time when I was facing big changes and I grew very vulnerable to them. I felt so alone and misunderstood by all my peers even family isolated me in my loneliness so you could imagine how happy I was to be reading a story about a young woman finding herself and growing into her identity after being lost in the identities others gave her, I felt seen and understood and I finally felt like everything I was feeling was valid, that I wasn’t as alone as I felt. I used the series as an escape from my reality and I enjoyed every bit of someone facing similar problems such as mine being able to solve them with the help of her peers and even gaining someone who loved her unconditionally like I wished and hoped someone would do for me one day.

At least that’s what I thought but after I grew tired of the slow pacing and irritating personalities I decided to take a step back from the comic as a whole. That’s when I started noticing people who did the same and soon after discovering this whole community built from opinions I’ve never even seen about Lore Olympus. I was intrigued at first and then the more I read the more everything made sense, I started to tear down the pastel colors and gooey moments that Lore Olympus presented me at first and saw just how disturbing it is at times.

Alright, now you may be wondering “winnie what does this have to do with anything that you’re feeling right now?” I’ll tell you why I decided to write that now. I wanted to emphasize how connected I felt with Persephone’s character, I wanted to show how much I really cherished and adored every aspect of her and her character. Truth is there’s still part of me that simply cannot let Persephone go, there’s still something that’s so sacred about her for me which is why the recent episodes are affecting me so much. I feel like we’re getting closer and closer to sex scenes that the fandom and characters in the webtoon have been dying for and I hate it so much, I hate that Persephone has just been destroyed and made into this walking sex doll. The character that I adored so much and related to so heavily has been deemed only important because of sex.

I know it’s not a big deal to many people and there’s probably going to be people out there who won’t understand why I feel this way no matter how many times I explain it to them but I’ve never been so distraught about a character being changed like this. It hurts that everyone keeps pushing Persephone to do such inappropriate and sexual things for a man she knows nothing about, why must she give up everything for a man who does nothing but lie to her and manipulate her? Why does everyone only care about her because she’s going to give up her virginity? Why can’t you appreciate and love her intelligence, why can’t we appreciate her kindness and nobility, why can’t we just appreciate her for existing? Why must everyone have so much excitement for Persephone only having sex. I’m so incredibly upset over that, there’s nothing more harmful to me than this.

She was so amazing she had her whole life ahead of her, why did she have to get her character defiled for a damn sex scene? She has so much more potential there’s so many things Persephone can do, so many things that would’ve been amazing, motivating and all. Why is her development, her maturity, her journey to womanhood ending inside of Hades’ bedroom. Is that all she’s good for? Is that all she was ever created for? The eyes of men to sink into her day in and day out, the sexualization and inappropriate comments, the fetishization and infantilizing, the isolation and utter loneliness she must feel because every single time she’s shown on screen she’s being exploited sexually, everything about her always has to be emphasized sexually and made the most important thing about her. She’s so much more than that, she’s so much more why why does it have to come down to this? Why is this the end of her story? She’s a goddess why is she having to forfeit everything just for him?? Why? Why?? Why???

[zhuhongs]

dear god, i’m going to lose my mind. 我為什麼是這樣的人！！！

I can’t do it. No matter where I go, I can’t connect with others. I try and try but I cant fucking do it. I try my best, I know all the correct answers. I know how to make people like me but still I can’t manage to do it. It almost feels like it’s too late. I’ve established myself as the person who keeps to herself and only knows how to respond, never initiate. i want to change. I want to do better but why am i scared. Why do i care what other people think?!??! In 6 months time I won’t know absolutely any of them!! Why should I care? I shouldn’t yet I hesitate. I miss out on potentially finding a good friendship because I refuse to put myself out there. I always do this, nothing has changed at all. Just like with teaching, I thought if I forced myself into an environment where I would be uncomfortable, i would find it easy to change. But I can’t. I’m to comfortable staying as I am to make any meaningful change. I scrutinize those around me when i myself am just as pitiful. I laugh at my roommates who spend so long getting ready when in a way I wish I was like them. But in a way I don’t want to be them. I know the way they talk about others and I think that while on the outside they seem nice and agreeable, they are very judgemental, cruel people. They’re the exact kind of young woman I hate the most. Yet I live with them so I might as well be pleasant, and they will be too even though I’m sure we have a mutual unspoken dislike of the other. But still, why can’t I just stop caring?!

 I feel the overwhelming need to scream. I’m so painfully lonely even though people are around me at every waking second. Some days are good and I can be myself and not care. But the days that are hard are very hard. I want to do things and be amazing, and social, and enviable. But I cannot do anything. I’m always isolating myself somehow, and I don’t even realize it. I came here to run away, bc I mistakenly thought that it was just that my area didn’t suit me, surely I’d thrive elsewhere if I gave it a shot. But as I should’ve known from the countless books, and movies, and media I’ve consumed before -- I cannot run away from myself. My sadness will not change if I move, if anything it may only get worse. I mean think about it? Where I always lived may have been lonely at times, but it was a loneliness I knew how to manage. I had a support system, we just only met briefly due to life. But here, everything is lonely. Everything is knew and hard, even the things that I should know how to do. It’s difficult to buy food and get from school to home sometimes. That’s really hard on a person, to go from knowing your world like the back of your hand just for everything to be pushed to the right. It’s just similar enough that you feel like an idiot for not knowing how to do it, but different enough that everything is hard. And add onto that, I don’t have a space of my own to call home -- god. Yea. It’s difficult. 

But I feel like a spoiled brat saying this is hard, knowing that it’s an experience very few get to have. It’s a privilege. I know that. Back in High School I had a close friend that lived in Hong Kong for a year, and she talked about how difficult it was. All the adults praised her for being so strong to navigate hong kong alone as a teenager that didn’t speak cantonese. But I remember thinking that she was lucky. She got to live there because her dad was a rich pilot, sure she was alone but that was the experience of a lifetime, she should’ve taken advantage of it and enjoyed it more. Now here I am, doing something similar. I mean, I am learning the language. But sometimes it really is hard. I feel like going back in time and slapping my past self for being so ignorant. Thankfully I never said that thought to my friends face. I get it now, I mean, she was still a spoiled rich kid, but I get it. There really is a special kind of loneliness living alone in a foreign city that’s so different from your own. Right now I want a friend so bad but it frustrates me to no end how hard it is for me to make any sort of bond right now. 來慢慢的，慢慢的。

I feel like I used the fact that my cousin lives here and my two friends will be returning next year as a crutch to shield myself from making any real friends. Now I regret that, but it’s also nice to have. Maybe I would’ve been like this anywhere, so at least having them is a saving grace. I don’t know, I just feel so strange about everything. Almost helpless. I feel like I’m constantly waiting for someone to approach me, even though I know I need to grab hold of what’s in front of me in order to get what I want. Why can’t I make that step forward. Why can’t I throw away my pride and just become shameless for a second. It doesn’t even matter in the end. Why not treat this as a trial run for all the potential versions of myself I can become without any of the strings attached. 

I hope someday soon I can do that, but for right now I keep running and running trying avoid others. But my efforts of running away will always fail me. Just like right now I went to a cafe to try and get some peace and quiet but turns out my roommate went to the same cafe and now I am awkwardly trying to avoid her despite being 10 feet away from her. And I even tried to ask her which cafe she was going to, to avoid this sort of situation. My intuition never fails me. I know it. i fucking know itttttt. Life is so funny is it not?

[maryelizagreg]

You had me swept away

I almost forgot what I was doing

All the charm, suave!

What could I of done to resist

Lucifer is back at it again

Waiting by my window

Will I ever find my gatsby

Do I really wanna be a daisy?

We’re all drowning in madness anyway

Who cares about decisions and opinions these days

Everyone’s so unmoored and unhinged

What gratituence do I have to cling to but the things I learned when I was young

And now that I’m older you’re asking me to change, my brain

All in exchange

For what you wanted

I wish I could say it’s all for him

I’m not that stupid

Self aware and self conscious

I’ve confused my isolation for confidence

Maybe that’s all it’s all about anyways

Wanting to feel brave feel free and all my emotions

Wrapped up in them and at the end of the day

Do they get me anywhere, does it result in anything

No, because life, and people are often disappointing

All I have to really depend on is me

I’ll call my good friend and he can rely on me

For a good time when he needs

But it’s just not in my philosophy

To be so easy to please, capture me like a bird in a cage that sings-

Just so you are pleased

Cat and mouse and then the chase is over

And it’s just left to us to destroy each other

J know one day I’ll end up devoured

And all I wanted was to be wanted…

Girls don’t know the rest of how it goes

And men don’t have a clue

Just looking around, following each other

Making things up to create confirmation bias

And a safe home in our brain- in my heart, in another humans hands

how can I trust you with this.

It was easier to fall asleep

To light gentle local anesthetic

You made my whole body feel like I took narcotics,

And that’s not something to glean your confidence on

But no one’s ever made me feel that way

Always had a thing for an older guy,

I like it when you explored my body

But the rest of you was so strange

It’s like you’re from another planet

Ethereal celestial being, I always know you’re really something- if I question if it’s real or not

You felt heaven sent

And so did all the rest of them

But it’s brought me nothing but hell

So now I live in purgatory

And sometimes I think about girls

What’s the ending to this story

This isn’t a fairy tale…

With enough money you can live every fantasy

But it all comes at a cost

Time runs out quick and then the ride is over

Fall into a collective consciousness

You are me and I am you,

So you lied to yourself- with god watching

I am your fire and final judgement

God gave you plenty of warning you took no credence

Indulgent hedonist

Your character flaws aren’t any worse than mine

Together we’ll die, become skeletons ljke corpse bride

And the music we made will be no more

As if all of it was for nothing and no one

Sometimes it feels good to be in loneliness

He was so codependent…

Lion and his lioness,

I was your greatest desire, and your greatest weakness

And that’s all it is

Your shadow side, hides in the night

And I never saw you in the day light

It would of been nice

Thanks for introducing me to

To your dark side

[gayspock]

ok night night

genuinely fuckingmadness what doesnt set me off what doesnt make it worse. i knowisound so fucking stupid and i start to go nuts sobbing thinking about how fucking little i must seem. then its like who is even caring that much. then i go nuts BECAUSE nobody is caring that much. then i realise none ofitwill change anything regardlessand it passes me by and im just fucking nobody and nothing. where was i. yeah what doesnt set me the fuck off i dont know i think everything just makes me melt down and i cant find anything. that even remotely fucking offsets it or anything that helps or anyhting at all that i can fucking hold onto like a fucking lifeline that i dont fuck up. and it doesnt matterhow much im exposed to it it just gets worse and worse and worse. i htink its the only thing i can ever fucking do. i think ican do nothing but rememebr the times ive tried to fuckingtalk to people in the past and howmuch of a frustrating fucking force i am but i genuinely donot fucking have anything else in me but fucking rot and even that is a fucking groanworthy fucking melodrama but its fucking true i cant fucking responmd to anything i just fucking let everyone dwn but theres nothing else there to do or to giveand if there really fucking im desperate to fuckingknow but i feel like its jsut circles . every attempt jsut feels like a resounding fucking rejection or fucking failure heres another thing that doesnt work thatmakes it worse thats this thats whatever let me rub it in for you like salt in the fucking wound i think

if eel sick iwth myself and start to go nuts htinking about how fucking hard it is to ever talk to people how fucking little there isleft to even try to do so how fucking isolated i am how little energy i have left in me how theres nothing for anyone to fucking latch onto how even if i somehow summoned enough energy, the sort ive not fucking managed in years, to somehowfind some sort of companionship in even the vaguest most distant of senses something something the loneliness that sets in isnt just that i dont think i can ever fucking try to make a connection anywaybecause i cant fucking do anything but tank it all and insert a fucking litany of otherbullshit and knowing if i could even manage to not be alone for a seocnd it would be gone sof ast when everyone fully fucking understands hoiw muych of a lost cause i am , like the actual fucking anger at how fucking incompetent a person could be and i fucking feel it and iknow its there and no matter how hard i try to fucking fight it because it doesnt matter itnever matters notihng means fucking anything and it hasnt for s so fucking long andi just breakdown i getupset and nothing shifts and its so so fucking pointless how hard it fufcking hurts and it never means anything its jsut so fucking trivial at this point try to fuckign find some fucking thing

i keep jsut getting so angry and hateful in response to everything to evertything and god help me i am trying to fucking bite it down please dont fucking be a cunt and take it out on everyone else but i cant fucking suppress it i fucking want to snap at everyone like who fucking caresany more its fucking nasty and its pathetic butevery time i see anyone else happy i just start to get so so fucking . bitter inside like its not fucking fair type bullshit i fucking hate everyone that has someone else in their life that they cant count the number of conversations theyve had on their hands outside of a work context in the past few years thattheres things they want to live for and things theyre excited about or things theyre even good at and have some fucking purpose in and i start to get fucking angry and upset knowing everyone else just fuckinggets to experience the world even its fukcing hard sometimes but ijust cant even figure out whatswrong with me knowing damn well its just nothing i jsut. pure fucking inadequacy pure fucking emptiness that nothings ever going to fucking fix it and i know nothings ever going to fucking fix it and i try to fucking just letmyself go sofucking much but i just get so fucking mad and uspoet like its anyone elses fucking problem and i cant . seem to fucking getanywhere or do anyhting or feel anything any more i think about howmany days ive just lost to jsut trying to make it fucking go away and somehow thats the best i have thats the best i can do or have ever managed to do and i thinki about the fucking way thats all im capable of i really fucking resent every fucking day i seriously do is anyone else crazy or like

[rsrandomthings]

I’ve come to realize that I’m a very romantic person. The things i like, the characters i make, they’re all romantic. I write poetry. I write short stories almost formatted like poetry. I like romantic songs.

Let’s start with some of my characters.

Keirth and Asinir. They’re a dichotomy, light and dark, so similar and yet such opposites. That’s romantic. They’re gods, time travellers, able to rewind and replay time, making changes. They’re shapeshifters, powerful. But that’s not what’s romantic. The two are both immortal. They’re trapped together. Even if they split apart, sometime in their infinite lives they’ll meet once again. They’re in love. They’ve set up a system, where older non-important memories eventually get deleted, so the two never get bored. They always remember how they met, though. And the really good times. But i just think it’s romantic. Two beings of near-infinite power, in an intricate circling dance. Every few quadrillion years, the cycle starts anew, and they start revisiting the timelines and stories they’ve forgotten. They’re in love, forever, even when their day of meeting stands oh so far in the past. And it keeps getting further.

Let’s take the clockwork’s friend. He’s trans. And not the original. The original clockwork’s friend was human, and never satisfied with his body. Unable to properly medically transition due to living in isolation, he builds an ideal body for himself, and a brain scanner. Perhaps out of desperation, or out of hopeless optimism, he believes (or perhaps more accurately, wishes) that when he loads up the brain scan, his soul and consciousness will transfer over too, and his original body will die. It doesn’t. He’s stuck with a clone in the body he so wishes he could have. He’s jealous, but like a kind older brother, never shows it. The current clockwork’s friend, the robotic “clone”, knows the original is jealous. And he’s guilty. Even past the original’s death, the clockwork’s friend never takes the original’s name. Perhaps out of guilt, perhaps out of respect. Even after centuries pass, he will never forget the original’s name, and he will never take it.

Last two characters, this time more of an aesthetic romance. The lone traveller is a, well, lone traveller. Exploring hillsides, with storms rolling in and nothing but a cloak, scarf, map, and compass. They’re happy with it. They’re pale, like old faded photographs. They’re a mythical being of sorts, no one sees them for more than a week, and no more than twice a year. It’s beautiful, but oh so lonely. The other, garden deer. He’s a watchman in the night, silver-embroidered cloak flowing behind. He stares at the stars. There’s no one around. It’s peaceful, but yet again, oh so lonely. Hmm… i feel like that’s a theme in my romance. A light loneliness. Like the romance of a lone lighthouse keeper, doomed to maintain the light in even the stormiest of weather.

Now for media. Night in the Woods. It’s just a small town life, but oh so romantic. It’s normal. There’s none of the worries i worry about. There’s no future, nothing to look ahead to. Just the next day. One of the most prominent songs is about just wanting to die somewhere else. Anywhere else. Just not in the dying coal town, with no opportunities. No chance for growth. Everyone knows everyone, and in a way, that’s lonely. There’s effectively nothing else but the little town. And the people inside, and the history of the town, soon to be lost to time.

A song that i like. “Expert in a dying field”. About a dying friendship, being the expert about all the inside jokes, their mannerisms. And it’s fading. They’re growing further apart, slowly, slowly. Lonely.

A short story I’m writing. About an automated world, that suddenly loses all its technology. The inhabitants work together, learning once again what their ancestors knew, but forgot. It’s not lonely, but the way it’s written, is. It alienates the reader. It alienates the narrator. You are not a part of this. This world is doing just fine on it’s own. You’re just watching. You’re watching them make friends, support each other. No matter what you do, you can’t do the same. You’re stuck watching the party from the corner, and you know every single person, you just can’t talk to them. They can’t see you. And they’re having fun.

It’s lonely. It’s romantic. There’s a romance in loneliness.

And i think…

I think that’s alright.

[eisheartoffantasy]

Entry #12. Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" This quote from the famous fairytale Snow White keeps popping into my head lately, though with a one-word difference.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the loneliest of them all?

Being anything but "the fairest of them all", I'm not someone who likes to keep a mirror right next to my computer screen, so quite contrary to the title of this entry, I haven't been spending an increasing amount of time staring at my reflection.

Not in the real physical life, at the very least. On the inside I've been looking at one a lot. I've been...reflecting, I suppose.

For a brief several days, I thought I had found my way out of my depressive period, only to fall right back in. I mean, I wasn't surprised or shocked, just disappointed in myself, which is nothing new. Of course I would keep failing, wouldn't I? This was a given.

So why have I been feeling number than ever?

The voice in my head that tries to cheer me up, tries to give me a crucial amount of encouragement, has been fading away. On most days I don't even hear my own positive voice anymore, and that's worse than never hearing a positive word from others. Yes, I've always been lonely, but not quite like this. The old loneliness I experienced came from external sources. This new loneliness comes from within.

I get left behind again and again, and now, even I myself have left me behind, haven't I?

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the closest of them all?

Closest to what? I don't know, perhaps closest to giving up... Actually, no, I might already have given up. I haven't been taking care of myself, haven't made enough efforts to catch up with school, haven't tried hard enough to fix my habits, haven't gotten back in contact with people in my life — I've been doing even worse somehow, completely isolating myself from everyone, avoiding everything.

But what's going to happen when I can't run away anymore? And in addition, have I really given up if I still wonder something like this?

Maybe I haven't given up completely just yet, but at this point I'm fully relying on luck, aren't I? Ugh, it wouldn't even be so hard to put in a little more effort...and yet...

Mirror mirror on the wall, how can I escape from them all?

I want to leave. I want to go away. I want to go somewhere as far as possible. I want to be in another world. I want to leave the people I care for. I want to leave my identity behind. I want to leave this life. I want to leave. I want to leave. I want to leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave!!!!!

When you think about it, it probably doesn't make sense what I'm saying here. Ei, what do you mean exactly? You just said you're lonely, now you're saying you want to leave? Won't you just be lonelier? To that I say, no I won't; I'll be more alone, but definitely less lonely.

Did you know? The loneliness you feel from being alone is nothing compared to the loneliness you feel despite not being alone.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the loneliest of them all?

I don't know if it's me — see, I haven't met every single one of "them" after all. There's got to be someone lonelier than me, right? Dead or alive? Are the deceased more or less lonely than the living?

Ah, so many routes for my mind to wander off to in the middle of the night. I'm so tired. I'm always tired. Can this change? All these things, external and internal alike, can I get through them?

Mirror mirror on the wall, how do I overcome them all?

The mirror in my heart doesn't answer my questions like the one in Snow White does. My mirror isn't a magical one. Because I'm lonely, aren't I? The evil queen at least had a companion, but not me.

With warmth and hopefulness,

Ei

[tavarillasgalen]

I have never been someone who had a lot of friends and many years, I have had no friends at all. It is painfully lonely, and made all the worse by public perception of people with no friends, how, if you do not have friends, you are someone to be avoided, there is something wrong with you, etc. I do not know how to make friends, not really - I was homeschooled for all of my school years but one, and I did most of my undergrad online. I'm used to being alone, to only having myself for company. I am used to it, but it would be a lie to say that it is not hard and that I do not yearn for connection all the time.

With no one to talk to or spend time with, my characters became an outlet, of sorts. Writing books allows you to live lives that are not your own. It allows you to write friendships and relationships you wish you could have, go places you always wanted to or that do not exist. It's a way to create some semblance of connection in a world when you have none. It is a way to feel less alone, even though it creates another sort of loneliness - wishing you had people to share your work with.

I always wonder how much of my depression is brain chemistry and how much is circumstantial. How much is do to being so alone and feeling like you fail at every attempt you make to change things, to make them better. I suppose the only way to know would be if circumstances changed, but they don't, even when it feels like I'm doing everything right.

There has been so much talk about how social media isolates, how it creates a false sense of connection. There is some truth to that, but social media, movies, TV shows, books, art in general, it helps people without social lives feel less alone. If ever I get a book published, I hope it helps others find escape and connection the way that reading and writing help me.

This is sad, I know, but it is true. Too much of social media is all highlight reels, which can make you feel worse if you have nothing to highlight. People should only share what they like, of course, but it's important to talk about things that are not fun, too. Otherwise, such issues only end up more stigmatized than they already are.